Ladies and Gentlemen, we caught them.
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What did I interrupt?
Guess I'm not using the toilet.
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absolute monster mode. he is beastly.
love my terrible son.
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hmm. had an actual conversation with nightmare coworker today that seemed mutually productive. she apologized for saying some bullshit that hurt my feelings and i clarified that my intentions are to help not to undermine her, and we both agreed that there's no competition against each other and that it's the lack of growth in our role that's the problem. it was...productive.
and further cementing for me that it is time to begin making my Exit. i will be sending out my resume to a few places this weekend.
i'm still processing the conversation, and am struggling to place myself in where i am responsible to better my behavior. because i genuinely don't want to be an ass, even though i really don't like this lady and will jump for joy the day i never have to see her again. she stated that she knows my intentions aren't to hurt her, and that she thinks i'm very kind. i apologized for if my behavior came off as undermining her, and said that my intentions are only to better my own growth—and that i know she's trying to succeed too. i validated her feelings, and complemented the effort she is putting in.
where i'm struggling with is: am i in the wrong/causing harm and needing to change if the issue is that her feelings are incongruent with what she knows of my intentions? her feelings are her responsibility (WOW i almost typed "her feelings are my responsibility". i feel like that's a freudian slip) and she states that she knows i don't mean to hurt her. i'm going to try to be more clear in wording my intentions with her (she feels like me trying to take work off her plate is to undermine her. when really, i'm caught up and see her getting overwhelmed, and i want to help and also have something to do since i'm bored).
but i'm really struggling to look at my role in this and pass judgement on myself. i can and want to do better, and i don't think i did anything wrong, but i'm always so hesitant to say it's not my fault or i didn't do something bad. like i can't trust my judgement on that. my intentions were good, her bad feelings are ones caused by her insecurities, which she more or less has expressed to be aware that they are not true—the hurtful thing she said to me, she acknowledged was said out of hurt and not what she actually thinks. so, is it fair to say i'm not the bad guy? i'm not in the wrong? i know good intentions that still result in harm don't absolve anyone, but when the things that are clashing are insufficient communication and reactive insecurities... i'm not a monster, am i?
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Oh my gods just had my going away party at the pub and we had it in a special event room and it was all done up like Jesus’s last supper
I sat in the middle with a crown on and broke a roll of bread and spread it around and then I was showered in gifts and they even “borrowed” a podium from a church with holy water on it, but it was polluted river water instead (a staple of the town)
I have no idea what the fuck just happened but it was glorious, we all drank, I felt like Joffrey Baratheon in my golden crown and we took a final photo posed as the Last Supper
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the old, “caught in the act” stink eye. 2023
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15. What’s the most obvious difference between their behavior at home, at work, at school, with friends, and when they’re alone?
(( Been kinda away from Tumblr for a bit, so I'll answer some old stuff! <3 ))
For Jak, she's mostly the same in any public scenario! She has no friends to be different around anymore really, and the face her Yakuza family sees is the face the rest of the world sees, as well - her business face. I mentioned in another post recently that she presents herself as an experience - not a person. And that stands true, still - she's literally referred to herself as a force of nature - neither truly bad nor good, but chaotic. She's pretty cold to the rest of the world - calculating, deal-oriented, and incisive ( a little more kuudere than tsundere I think). She's learned to read people, and then force them to face the things she's gleaned about them... and it's a lot like a house cat toying with a mouse. It's fun! They don't really contemplate/realize the pain or horror of the experience for the other creature - "What is normal to the spider is chaos to the fly", as they say. She likes to see you squirm as she points out all the subtle body language you thought she'd politely ignore like everyone else does!
With her lover... it took at least 2 years to get there, but she's a lot more like who she was 'supposed' to be before the Garleans: J'kesri. She's always been family oriented, and I love the concept of a family-oriented character left untethered by the loss of as much; but having a lover (who sticks around and supports her) is a new thing for her, and she's a very 'acts of service' oriented person! A lot of that is rooted in culture, and how important it is to lift up and support those in your Tribe - it's important to celebrate the contributions of each to the whole... and it's led to her being a very action-oriented person in almost every aspect of her life, and affection is no different! She likes to cook for him, and tend to his wounds, and even scrub him in the bath! Baths are her favorite, and baths with her partner are the best! Words are great, and she loves wielding them with precision - but actions speak loudest.
With friends, she's still pretty dedicated to acts of service (she's...very possessive of those she grows close to, when given the opportunity to), but also very 'motivational' encouraging... so much so that it can be quite un-motivating with how hard she leans on those she actually likes to continue improving themselves just like she strives to do. Jak has extremely high (and often unhealthy) expectations of herself... which tends to bleed over onto others she keeps close. Maybe one day that'll get addressed - but people tend to run, instead of just talking to her about the extreme expectations. xD
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