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thegraveyardjohnsongrey · 1 year

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April 2021

April: Convos of the Day

+ Started Cera Ve Overnight Cream + Getting Water intake back togetha + G Little’s IG Reveal! + First Time Working out at Cortland 2 Floor Gym!

+ started doing fruit/oat bowls again + #Wicked4Whitney “My Future is Unlimited” + Caden’s 1st Birthday & Baptism in Kissimmee !!!!!!!! + Set Gym Schedule for Cortland! + Back to Jurassic World on Netflix?

Said no and created boundaries (tina - health law paper)

Stay away from ranch? (Black pepper?) ORRRR sarku Japan (?) had bad reaction day of 4/22 from day before

4.1.21

Body: Noticing a sexier slimmer back (that goes down to my waist) - which is surprising, considering my workout plan has been non existent the past month. Also loving my smooth skin (knock on wood), my former chest, and my tan from the pool day

+ As always, I love waking around during errands and making myself laugh

Dropping off errands to tita emma and tita Cris. It always gives me a weird feeling bc it reminds me that time is passing and we’re all getting older.

It’s not that I’m ungrateful or anything. It just makes me reminded that I just want my own life. I want my own space, I want my own routine. I want to be beholding something that’s mine. And I’m just not doing it quite yet. I want a job and a commute and routine thats lie and makes me excited Bc it’s mine. And I want to be fulfilled in having my own life and a new group of friends to have and rely on and like.. idk. I just think it’s passed my time here in Tampa and I think I’m just ready to experience something new. Whew, 2018 me, whats good

4.2.21

+ Tommy making the lineage diagrams was pretty cool

+ So Emotional by Whitney Houston is such a slept on bop

+ My chest be looking good in this light blue workout shirt

+ Getting into your clean car when you forgot it was cleaned is such a satisfying feeling

I can’t wait to work again one day. To have a stable source of income again. I meant granted I know it will come with us own fair share of bullsht. And that eventually I’ll get sick of acting like I have it all together and that stress is a normal thing to suffer from in a legal office. But... idk. Theres Something about me being excited to prove that I’m indispensable and that I’m valuable to a legal team. I can’t wait for it. (And that first paycheck, gurl)z

I think what I did msyelf really insecure about these days is not having the means to throw down money whener I want to. Or to buy whatever I reasonable thing I’d like to at a given moment. I mean sure, I can buy my little sum sum or my Glittle his tiki. But there’s just the weird not-right feeling that — yes, it’s my money that I’ve saved - but it came from my parents. So I really just feel like I’m spending my parents money. Which, actually yes I am. But. Gah. I guess I just miss not feeling guilty about spending - bc I know that I earned it and that I ***suffered*** for it lmao

+ Feeling amazing after I journaled and revised my March 2021 journal entry

+ Playing with Caden and everyone in the home; watchijg caden walk circles and explore while we laugh at his antics

+ Reallzing now what makes people old - and that is - when they gotta focus all their attention on their career and bodily health (Aka less on fun and being reckless 😭) I understand now 😭😭😭

4.3.21

“Let it live. But let it live in the past.”

Energy spent trying to remove it from memory and to convince yourself it wasn’t real. Well, it was real for you. And it made you happy. And there’s no denying the butterflies you still get when you revisit it. But there’s also a part of you that is now ready to move on with the idea - that you can have these things. You can enjoy these things and appreciate them. But only from where they exist. And that’s in the past”

Omg my new leather bag from Dan!!! Totally sick

4.4.21

+ G-Littles IG Reveal awwww

The nerves/being on edge about jokes going well lol about RV being “scarred” - also the Psis are really funny wtf lol

4.5.21 + Got $8 from my Plato’s Closet

+ FT w Shawntel being a little weird but that’s also bc it went really late and im just tired lol #Publix?? #Absolutely Not #ForMyHealth

There’s this weird feeling that I can’t seem to shake off. Where… I’m happy bc - looking back I know that ive accomplished so much - and that ive lived out so much and done so much- but I can’t seem to shake off the feeling that Im not as hpy as. I once was> And I think that has a lot to do with the fact that my life is at a stand-still and im kinda left to my own thoughts and my own critiques of where I am in life - and thats constantly replaying in my head. And im at a time where everything that set studying or interviewing or working on apps is hindering my progress and my life. its just a tough spot to be. And I wish I were out of it. Because while im here, I can’t help but feel like the best days of my life are behind me and that everything else is moving on and changing without me. Without my input or participation.

Whitney Houston, Demi Lovato, etc.

“I feel like a star who’s light has dimmed. Like a star that’s run it’s course.”

Everyone is allowed to have different seasons

“This isn’t it” - there’s lots of life and love and projects to be had”

4.6.21

Mayo = Joshs trigger word #CincoDeMayo

Purged & dusted my closet

Found $16 Target gift card from 2006; used it for my eyebrow pencils

Vacuumed mommy’s car

+ Cold Shoulder Ep 3 with LongLee

“It is so important to remember your best days, on your worst ones. -> importance of “Words of Aff” and why I made them; kinda wish I had done them regularly in undergrad when I had tours and asian community and a seemingly endless abundance of affirmation; but I know that I wrote the most important ones down and maybe.. maybe the best ones are the relevant ones. And I probably don’t need to gas myself up more than I need to haha

4.7.21

+ Boba Lounge with LongLee

+ “I’m not going cold or being cynical; I’m just trying not to over romanticize love and the idea of it” —- thank God I went through that. If I had to go through that, I had to go through it. I keep debating with myself if I was someone who “deserved” to have gone through that. But I do. I feel like that’s futile bc it happened anyway. Maybe life had to humble me down and provide me with a more realistic picture of human love and relationship. And now that the filters and fluff are off, I’m realizing that:

I don’t want it lmao

“Remember that Jean Grey’s transformation into the Dark Phoenix happened over time”

4.8.21

string of bad luck just trynna get to Ates gym after dropping off mom. BAD LUCK FTW #HumbleLiving amirite

“Be obsessed with your progress, and not with what you have left”

One part can not be loud enough for the whole thing (earbud problems. Stupid mplow)

+ burned 200 Calotes in under 20 min (and 600 overall at the Cortland 2 Floor Gym! Will most def be back. Haha) - Lo fi while music is definitely the vibe (lets me know Issa time to be productive henny!)

4.8.21

+ Full & Productive azz day

+ “Do you miss being young it hopeful?” - something about Greek probate / reveal videos. Something about being young and having everything waiting in front of you

Not feeling the weight of the real world , or the mundane repetitiveness of the average day

Goal: to have fun and to find youthful hope in my reality as a working adult

4.10

Waiting and wishing so hard for my next thing in life. I’m so tired of feeling like I’m mourning the shadow of a life I once lived. One with excitement, optimism, and memories, progress, growth, and evolution. It wasn’t to a point where I was suicidal or anything, but it was definitely a time in my life where inwas like, “wow. Life is not exciting at all.”

I really really really hope that by next Christmas I allow myself to enjoy the season’s festivities. I hope that- no matter where I am in my paralegal/pre-law school journey, that I can still find a moment to reflect on what’s truly important and how to celebrate the people in my life.

These days, I feel like it’s so hard to just sit still- and to enjoy the moment. Im so wrapped up and obsessed with trying to build my career as my life - and it’s like this constant and endless video that plays in y head of how far I have left and how hard it’s going to be. And I’m always having this voice that tells me how much time is passing and much I’m losing in the meat of it.

But I don’t want that to be the case. I’ve learned that if it wasn’t one thing, jt will be another. And contrary to my own romanticism times before, I’ve always had SOME form of stress to eat away at me. And now that we have bigger responsibilities and bigger things to deal, I want my coping mechanisms and my forms of personal management to be just as healthy and responsible

I’m not a kid anymore. And I don’t want to be. I can’t say I’m 100% adult yet either (even tho I’m 25 lol)— but I still won’t let that sense of displacement shake me. Am I too young? Am I too old? — bEtch maybe I’m both. And today is the day I would like to stop attacking myself and allowing my own fears to make me insecure.

We are going forward. whether we like it or not. Whether how far is up to us. Whether it’s in the direction or way we want, that is also up to yes. Maybe not completely, but. When we make it - one day -

We will know that we will have played a significant role in that success.

PDPsi, CFCY USF, Concordia, SPC/Raving. All of that stuff is behind us now. And we honor it best when we step into the next phase of our life- stronger, Wiser, and more Judsy than ever.

Let’s try a different approach?

Somethings I don’t want to feel rn:

Like I messed things up with S and that it was my fault (and my fault alone) that it ended. And along with it everything that could have been and what made me happy

That everyone’s lives are moving on and changing without me. And that I’m here yet again - wasting time and making progress so small that it doesn’t matter

That I’m fat and out of shape and unlovable

That I’m wasting my potential

That I’ve always been naive about life and too optimistic about a God who could care less about me, bc he doesn’t exist

That it’s up to me to make my own happiness. That happiness is something you convince yourself you have - and not something you genuinely experience

Calling: to take an active and combative role in steering my thoughts and where I slow them to go and make me feel

At the moment, I feel very frozen in my disposition. I’ve been finding lately that I don’t have a lot of regular motivation - LOL. And that it really is my default state to just.... sit in contemplation and comfort. Lol. it’s really only until the last minute when I feel the pressure of time winding down that I really start moving.

But here’s the thing

I wanna start viewing my days as investments again.

I wanna see my days and weeks as tools I sing to build a tomorrow that’s I want to see

I’m not going to stay here forever

And if I pity myself and let fear swallow me alive, I KNOW that’s how I will stay here forever.

And I’m not doing it.

I want to view my days with purpose, investment, and opportunity.

Not as things to just “get through” or be over with. But to really put fort my best. Whatever that looks like

4.11.21 + me feeling a rush from having a new bag and filing “productive and professional” and shiiiii —> feeling like machine; thinking about what Allyson stoner said about being a money-making machine at such a young age and having money generation as the top thing on your mind; “pardon my confusion, but. I thought life was about living - not about money making”

+ would really like to be healthy/hot/fit AF for my next festival (will it be in 2022? EDC? We don’t know. But please have law apps done by then!!! *fingers crossed) + reviewing old paralegal stuff is nice (ordinances, statutes, writing, etc.)

why do I have so much anxiety over how people see me and think of me? Well let me rephrase. Why do I

Maybe it’s something that I feel I actually have control over. Maybe it’s something I’ve always wot I’ve excelled at. Interpersonal skills, meeting with people, creating a bind with them, and perfecting how I come across. Maybe I’m so obsessed with it Bc it’s the only fmaklaor thing that I feel that I have. And maybe it’s time to take healthy steps in alleviating that insecurity

4.12.21

+ First Day going back to weights

contrary to what we might think, the “heavy” weight we put on actually doesnt make us look all that bad. I mean granted, we’re bot as “lean” as we were in Jan and Feb (Aka the onset of “Abs”) BUT- out arms and biceps were starting to look MAD nice after our pump! Haha. Maybe this idea to focus on arms for the next 2 months (and less on eating “Minimal” calories won’t be such a bad idea)

4.13.11

Health Notes: Skin has improved SIGNIFICANTLY from increased and ample water intake (gallon a day) - very smooth and less irrritated

Concerns still: dry hair and uneven skin (even though skin is b soft and smooth)

Ya def add a little eyebrow on top to add more for nights out or Special occasions

5 responses from South America/Philippines story

7 hour lunch catchup w Kyle!!!!! - maybe God showing me that my situation wasn’t all that bad; and that maybe my having lack of conviction from S was actually a blessing (can you imagine howbmichbharderbjtnwoidve been if you were in kyles shoes???? From the outside looking in, she sounded like the perfect MATCH for him. I hope he’s ok. As much as we were laughing and trolling I could tell he was listening in on the parts where I was serious and warning him against falling for someone who doesn’t exist (whomp me and my experience). But anyway it was really nice t catchup w Kyle. Even tho I could feel my social battery lowering throughout, I’m really happy that I have a friend lie Kyle who WANTS to hangout with me and make time to see me and catchup with me. Someone who I have so much history with and was REALLY my first new and close friend at USF. Anyway rooting forward him and his future!!! He’s got his nursing degree in the bag, and I’ve got mine coming soon w law!! To Coachella 2023!!!!!!!! #lol

Dissatisfied with the way I look. Especially my face. I’m kind sad that I don’t see the sharper and more defined face that I saw from July - January. I’m kinda bummed that I feel like all my progress from Pandemic is now gone and that I literally look more or less the same since last year (my insecurities tell me that I’m fatter bc I’m older and/or bc my body rebounding from losing so much weight the first time around). Well either way,

Was really happy with my skin color after my shower! Dare I say.. it looked... smooth? And shiny? But I really wanna help my skin and my face. And make it look less “tired” and worn out. Most of my insecurity about my face come from it being discolored, uneven, dry, and scarred :( (oh, and fat. But I guess that isn’t a skin concern lol)

Things that kinda weight me down rn:

being over Grk life and my quick obsession with it

Not being close to rna

Being fat again and feeling like all my progress is gone

Law school apps, NALA

Feeling like I won’t be excited again the way I was from festivals and 2019 (lol super dumb, I know) - why do I always over romanticize the season I’m not in?

Allergies: actually had a small reaction from black pepper, skin is red and irritated (like purply) and sensitive. Like the usual burning sensation. I also have a headache and wonder if that could be from allergies? But also could be from needing water?

4.14.21

Health/Appearance: Low Taper Fade with Triangular bush-up; how to grow out hair evenly again?

Aino Men’s Fashion ideas (pero unfollowed on IG bc it didn’t give me anything on the regular LOL)

New shampoo!

Revamp overnight routine! Started with Cera Ve overnight cream, but would also like to start eye cream

“What if you had a choice to choose what reality you lived in?”

What if, this singular plane of existence, IS the multiverse. It is a multiverse - simply foe the fact that it is comprised of different realities - in the minds of millions of people.

“What if you had a choice? What if you had that power?” What if you saw it? What if you used it?”

“I choose to live in THAT one”

4.16.21

+ feeling persistent waves of happiness and relief and pride and joy #NALA #Alowingyourself just to feel good

+ feeling myself after my haircut #Brows #ChapstickLips #SilverGrayOutfit #BodyOdy

Cool Airbnb and vacay vibes!!!!! ✌🏽

Lil & Glil bonding and partying it up 🥺💙

2021: The Year that I ... found a greater appreciation for my time as a Greek in undergrad and for all that it’s brought me after. Closer friendships with Josh, Calvin, and Thomas. A greater understanding and deeper bond w Greek friends, and my little and GLil! I think through Derick picking up Harvey, I found yet another appreciation of my time in PDP and how much I made out of undergrad. After everything and looking back, I really don’t regret making that last minute decision to go to rush and pledging/crossing when I crossed. I wouldn’t have the lineage I do now without it, and so if that isn’t a reason to trust Gods timing and how much meaning He can bring to your situation then idk what

4.17.21 HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CADEN!!!!!!!!!

Honestly, im having so much time just being here with family. Relaxing, enjoying the vacation vibes - laughing, eating, not being compressed by a time or pressure to be anywhere. Just - being! lol. I wonder if this is how God meant for people to live once in a while (hashtag Sundays?) Also anyway, can we just. Talk about how cool this house and backyard is?????? Qorl. 4 Playstations, a themed rooms, a TV in each one, a bomb jazz backyard. Like uhm??. AND. EVERYONE gets a bathroom. Im like— !!!!! UHM? lol. wow. Like this is a vacay home. Enjoying the mf pool and the bomb jazz backyard! LIKE WOW RICH. I felt so bougie and relaxed and on a high from enjoying the sun lol. Being on instagram, enjoying people’s reactions from my WAP video, out wholesome story about Caden’s duck pool party….. I felt such a swelling of happiness and joy that Caden/everyone had so much fun from the Ducy pool!!!! aww. WORTH EVERY CENT, TBH. And Caden can share it with Liana!

Frustration and annoyance w having to deal with the company of the sm*hs. are they hard to work with, yes. Does it make loving them hard, yes.

But I think. When we think about the world and much God actually loves, and how there are many reasons why it shouldn’t work in our favor - and yet it still does, we should operate from a place of gratitude. And being grateful is serving as an extension of His grace. That is the challenge and that is the stuff of life, isn’t it

+ Sirius XM radio is IT henny

Soul cycle radio and their top 40 trap top 40 and throwback hits??? WOw

Happy Baptism Caden!!!!

Caden’s Baby Raddle Rosary was a success!!!!!! #daww

Enjoyed backyard and vacation vibes once again!

Green lizard 🤢🤢 #TitoToTheRescue

Mickey Ice cream with ate Lee #MickeysSyrawBERRYgoodicecream

lowkey highkey burned myself

LOVING my face and my nose and my eyebrows and my cheekbones. Even though I KNOW I’m getting rounder and putting on more weight from my diet, I still love how I look and how I’m “rocking” the petite and chonky aesthetic

Going to start dieting and working out again for May!

I have a lot to be thankful for, Dont i?

I really can’t believe how fast he’s learning and growing and HOW CUTEEEEE HE ISSSS

Pa Cute

Ash Whole

Toll toll TIKA

body parts: beautiful eyes, tongue, hands, feet, tummy etc

Is it selfish of me to be fulfilled in every way in the sense of my family, but am never satisfied in terms of feeling lonely?

“Is this not enough to convince you that I love you? And mean every ounce of joy for you? In the way that I had always dreamed and intended?”

I doubt the idea of what Gods image of joy is for me a lot, simply bc I’ve been hurt. And I’ve been discouraged from trying to convince myself that I like Gods idea of joy for me. And sometimes I’m just not convinced.

“Why was I made to disobey you?” /// “You were made to choose me from Grace.”

Pinky Analogy - shower door handle - could not by itself open the shower door. Questioning the ability of my kinky and why it could bot - by itself - enact what I needed it to do in that moment. And by the time I have it 4 seconds of angry thought, I came to the realization: is this fair ?

I thought about how much expectations I placed into this one singe part of my bday - one that is (to my knowledge) fully able - and completely placing all of my anger on this one pinky - not even considering how my arm was angled, where I was pulling from, if I had even the right part of the handle TO pull. This brought me to the realization that: we do that all the time I’m society. Ensuring that everyone recognizes the power of their presence and role - and to not blame things on one particular thing. Maybe it’s time we stop placing the weight of a community on an individual- maybe we ought to refrain from .. what SHOULD be the weight and responsibility of a community. One that is healthy vibrant and functioning. (Br

Grace depends on what we do based on what we know. In times when we KNOW something is off, and can recognize our role in it, that is when we can be loving instruments. Instruments of Grace, forgiveness, and patience

officially weigh 180 :( LMFAO * as of 4/20 evening • I feel very guilty for gaining weight and having erased all my progress from the past 4 months. BUT if anything: im also hoping top use this time to experiment and focus on biceps, chests, and thighs --- I wanna see if doing more weights will improve my appearance more than doing mostly cardio!!!!!

Although I’ve lowkey been feeling my “thick” aesthetic, i dont want to wait until i get to appoint where i absolutely loath the image i see in the mirror. BUT at the same time I wanna get a head-start on being the healthiest version of me again! Im happy that vacation time has really given me a time to relax and to enjoy and to indulge! But now its time to get back on the other season of life - which is to find balance and grind and to fill myself with motivation!

ALSO I AM 175/180 AS OF APRIL 20TH OMG WTF

Maybe we need not weigh ourselves down by everything we’ve done in the past.

Maybe we are allowed to move on- free of any expectations that we might’ve set for ourselves and what our lives should look like by now

I wonder what would life would look like without my worries. I wonder what life what feel like free

4.21.21

I hate it when I dip into my lows.

I hate it... when I feel like all my motivation has run out. And.. when all my doubts kinda sneak up on me and attack me all at once. Like it’s been waiting until I’m tired and worn out to pounce.

I hate feeling like all my best days are behind me, and that there’s nothing else that will give me the excitement and feelings of importance i once had before. I hate seeing what others are currently doing (or have already done) in the undergrad years and comparing it to mine - a journey that I thought was so fitting and perfect and FULL- only to now feel like my story isn’t going anywhere anymore and that my story wasn’t all that great , and that I could’ve a lot more make my undergrad experience even BETTER (at least professionally).

(S hall of fame, that lambda Hal of fame, Vitoria yang 25 under 25)

I hate having this same story of worry, dread, guilt, and fear.

I hate whenever I feel like I’m “dumb” for having hope that I’ll get into Nova or anyother law school out there, and I hate feeling like people will look down on me for wanting this the past 3 years- yet still amounting to nothing.

I hate when I convince myself that every victory I’ve had so far in my post-grad journey doesnt matter.

I hate feeling like my story isn’t going anywhere soon.

I hate having to put a name to all of the anxiety in my head and all of the weight in my heart.

I hate that I fear that I will never make my parents or my siblings proud - and that I won’t be able to give back to them in the same way that have endlessly done so for me.

I hate that I feel like I’m never growing up (at least — not in the way I shoul have been right now)z

I hate that this has robbed me of time, confidence, and gratitude. I hate that it robs me of joy, and I hate that I feel like less of myself whenever I’m in pain bc of these doubts.

I hope to look back on all of this and to smile and to be proud of a Judsy that never gave up.

Paralegal Career

So in my current regime of YouTube playlists, I have lots of things: self-improvement videos, the View, Social experiments, fitness and cooking videos, Relationship advice, EDM, Zach Campbell music reviews, etc. And most esp right now is the Paralegal Career advice ones!

4.22.21

+ Overall, getting better at being more straight to the point and less wordy; I recognize now how truly TIRING it is to have to look at a huge chunk of passage and feeling compelled to read all of it(unless its like super interesting). getting straight tot the point is actually a very important thing and it’s actually very professional and efficient. As a potential future lawyer (or any kind of legal professional) in the future, this is something that I want to practice and perfect as time goes on

+ Got 65 wpm on typingtest.com #yey lol

Feel so weighed down by living at home!!!!

Let me put the disclaimer up front: that I love my life at home and I love my family

But I can’t express enough how - it is SO effing hard to set boundaries and a pace for yourself A when you SHARE that space and schedule with other people. ESP your family!

Conversation of

I pride myself on being a joyful person and a a an optimistic one (by default). But lately the conversations that I’ve been having in my head is: Who am I when I’m not that? And will people still want to be around me when I’m not that?

Skin being irritated and not happy w me - confidence going down and feeling all my efforts are to waste

But I dnt want my confidence and my ego to be so MF fragile!!! Like ugh

Talk about tree of knowledge

omg Thomas tea (but I’m really happy we talked 🥺) it’s been so long since we genuinely caught up and it was really nice to have that with lammy again

“Where is my reward” - Shawntel

4.24.21

+ Beach Day for TD Bday

+ Mortal Kombat with the Calotes & Smiths and Long

+ Putting Caden to sleep after dad was having trouble

+ FT w Little

4.25.21

I don’t want you to feel bad.

I think that this is a time about accountability? Not feeling bad. I don’t think much good can come from placing your mental default at sad. And discouraged.

I think what recognize how important these next few months are going to actually be, and I think that we’re realizing how much we actually don’t want to drop the ball on this.

Action & accountability. This is going to be the mental state that is going to drive us from May into June.

Also looking forward to Dose #2 on Friday!

Sometimes I feel lonely, and I think that’s ok. Sometimes .. sometimes you have to remind yourself that not every waking moment needs to feel like a perfect high or a smooth movie. Haha I think I often forget that’s normal

“When will you give yourself peace?”

I think there comes a point where you HAVE to be ok with what you can give. Like... that’s the most destructive part of being a perfectionist isn’t it? Like... hat feeling of wherever you do or whatever you put forward- HAS to be perfect and it HAS to be flawless

And as much as that offers a lot of drive and inspiration for you along the way, I think there comes a point where you have to be ok with the occasional limitation and how that affects your performance. Like girl

Sometimes you just gotta do it.

And so I’m proud of you today. I know that you’ve been feeling down a lot about your body and all the obstacles that stand in the way of you working out as much as frequently as you used to. And how all the birthdays and fun festivities have been making you feel like you haven’t been studying or working on applications and doing anything productive, really.

But babe, celebrating life is productive.. celebratory your family is Productive

So be gentle. don’t beat yourself up for having lost time. God replaces what has been lost, and you most certainly have all that much time to improve and to grow and to be on the right track

Embrace every moment as it comes, and remember that right now is a time of accountability not punishing or belittling yourself.

Being harder on yourself than life is not going to make life any lighter.

It’s all about action, accountability, peace, and acceptance.

I’m proud of you. Those 500 calories burnt on the treadmill were FIRE as all Fuq. And you look good while doing it.

Have fun at universal with the Vus tomorrow :)

4.26.21

vent to cam about being sick and tired of such a “meh” season in my life

Happy I got to see the development of the Velocicoaster today :’) - I CANT WAIT TO RIDE IT ONE DAY

Happy I got to see Caden and laugh and play w him today. He is getting so effing bug (like - a REAL adult sized toddler boy!) and my heart can’t take how sweet and smart he is :’(

Looking forward to the days when I know I’ve been accepted to law school. And knowing that my life will have a set direction again. I feel like it will be such a sweet peace. And tbh I can’t wait to wild out and to celebrate all my tears and worry and freedom from all this old fcking anxiety

Thinking about how the things I say about P*lina echoes advice that I ought to listen to as well: Your trauma is not your fault, but your healing is.

Maybe it’s time to start waking up at 7 and giving myself more time to do/fit more into my day! — ESP if I feel that family/mom is a large distractor of those things

“An artist sometimes never gets to choose how their day goes. But, for the sake of people’s enjoyment and foe the fulfillment of that artist soul — they grind through it. They make a way. And somehow they make it work”

4.28.21

uhm. Why tf am I not on the website? I understand if I were a volunteer or whatever, but the fact that im on the actual board and am actually putting in time for this and submitting things - and I don’t even get a formal recognition on the website? Like not even a picture? ok.

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