#don't fucking say anything to my mom

[inkskinned]

this is sort of pathetic, but when you were younger, you were sort of puzzled by the cartoon representations of fathers: how a kid would be outside with a mitt, waiting to play catch.

it's not that your father never played catch with you, but you also didn't like when he did. something about a hard ball coming quickly towards your face doesn't seem exciting. not that you'd ever say you don't trust him. you trust him, right?

it's not like he never tried to teach you anything. or never tried to parent. on rare days, a strange person would walk in your father's skin. bright, happy, magnificent. this version of your father was so cheerful and charismatic that you would do anything to keep him. and this is the version of your father that would laugh and gently coax you try again. this is the version of your father that would break down the small elements of a problem and point them out so you have an easier time with them.

as a kid, those days happened more often. but somewhere around 11, you started being too much of a person, and he was often cross about it. when he'd try to sit you down to learn something, you spent the whole time with your shoulders around your ears, nervous, uncertain. terrified because you didn't immediately understand how to navigate something. worried you will run out of his goodwill and then you will have the Other Father back, and you will have ruined a good day for your entire family. something about you being visibly afraid - it just made him angry. he would accuse you of not wanting to learn and storm away.

on tv, it's not like there's a lot of versions of men-who-are-mostly-fathers. they can be good dads, but usually their stories are not told in the household. so it's normal that your father is there, but he's never around. you know he was in the house, somewhere, it's just not that you guys ever... "hung out". he just seemed to get kind of bored of you, annoyed you weren't made in his perfect image. frustrated with how much energy it took to raise a kid. over time, you kind of adopt a bittersweet band around your throat - he knows nothing about me. he says at least i never abandoned my family.

and it's technically - technically - true. he was there for you. sometimes he even made an effort and made it to the big moments; the graduations and the dance recitals. he grins and tells everyone that he taught you. it almost erases the days in between, where he complains because you need a ride to school. the weeks that go by where he doesn't actually ever speak to you. the times you say i am struggling and he says figure it out on your own. i can't help you.

and that's fine! that's all fine. you can call him if you are having a problem with your car. or if you need a ride to the hospital. he loves playing hero, he just doesn't like the actual work that comes with being a father. and you've kind of made your peace with that; because you had to, because you don't want to live your life like he does; the whole world at a managed distance, a little rotating and controlled orb he can witness and take credit for but never truly love.

as an adult, you are rewatching some dumb cartoon - and again, the child standing in the rain, with a mitt, waiting for their father to come play catch. as an adult, there's this strange creeping dread - this little thing? this little thing, and their dad can't even show up for that? oh god, holyshit, it's not about the mitt, is it. oh god, holyshit, your father spent most of your life leaving you hanging.

#spilled ink #writeblr #:) lol . anybody notice how i write about dads in second person exclusively #me: haha silly cartoon #also me: ): this child is not getting what they need #also btw this is about a father but it might apply to any parent or caregiver #there's a really weird space of like #''this person was technically around me but either ignored me or was actively harmful to me'' #and like u learn this very strange ritual of like... this person is my parent/caregiver on a technicality #that you almost spend all ur time with them like... tiptoeing and acting as THEIR parent so u don't upset them. #like you're 17 and ur mom is suddenly hit by a wave of wanting to talk to you so she's like :) lets make breakfast together :) and ur like #uhhhhhh okay?? bc you feel like this is absolutely going to go wrong and is why u usually make breakfast alone #and she starts being like: THIS is called a TEASPOON ... & u know all this stuff but you also know to just be very quiet #bc if you say like ''mom ive been making this breakfast every day since i was 13'' she would FREAK OUT and be like #DONT ACT LIKE I NEVER DO ANYTHING FOR YOU DONT ACT LIKE I DONT CARE ABOUT YOU. FUCKING DISRESPECTFUL . #so u have to smile like ur a preschool teacher and be like. OH COOL! i didn't know A CUP existed! tell me MORE! :)

[avocado-frog]

Man I hate being able to read

#average wattpad behavior tbh #someone typed that with their hands #on a separate note i hate the delulu thing #my mom said delulu to me and i made it my mission to make her regret it #it's fun when people say that sort of stuff because you can make them explain what it means and watch them Squirm #but like if you make it say real words it says the solution to your delusional like WHAT does that MEAN #if anything booktok recs make me worse off in life #colleen fucking hoover and shit #call me old and out of tune with the Youth but i think it's stupid #''ooh isaac why don't you just let people have fun??? :((( it's harmless :((('' i am actively making pottery out of your bones #delulu #tiktok #anti tiktok #booktok #there that way my target demographic will see this post #god i hate having eyes #maybe im the only person in the whole world who thinks it's dumb but that's ok i can accept that

[makorragal-312]

Season 2 Buck: "At least when I date someone, I date them."

Season 7 Buck: "I'm keeping my options fluid."

#911 #911 abc #911 on abc #911 s7 #911 season 7 #911 spoilers #911 7x04 #evan buckley #911 buck #buddie #911 buddie #bi buck #bisexual #he's bi mom #I'm sorry #but you cannot have this man say such gender neutral lines and expect me to believe he's anything but straight #this is literally the way I talk when im on the topic of dating and love #the bi coding to bi confirmation pipeline is so fucking strong #please don't let this be bait #and even if im tripping #game recognize game #and this man is looking oh so familiar #excuse my manic posting #im just posting out my anxiety #but where's the lie

[shopcat]

omfg people really need to calm the fuck down about people disliking some characters like it's not always a deep seated prejudice or an inability to empathise it's because we are human beings with our own experiences and normal biases and fictional characters are not real and it doesn't matter if you don't like them for pretty much any reason at all and doesn't make you suddenly x just because the character is y it just means you don't like them. obviously other indications of actual prejudice or a repeated pattern mean something else entirely but you can just dislike a character because get this they're a character and not a real person. you can dislike real people too even it's almost like we've got free will. please oh please can we get out of the torture chamber together.

#🐾 #just saw the dumbest post ever i wish you could take away someone's keyboard #saw someone say it was inherently misogynist to not like zuko's damn mom like omfg #she's literally a 2 dimensional nothingburger i'm sorry i don't give a FAUCK 😭 people are so damn annoying #i don't like her cuz of the way she treated azula and OBVIOUSLY!!! because my own mother hates me and abandoned me but loves her other #children. and OBVIOUSLY!!!! this means i seriously don't give a fuck about her and honesrlt wish she (ursa) were dead and You know what.. #it doesn't MATTERRRR SHES NOT REAL. GET A FUCKING GRIP 😭 FICTION IS A REFLECTION OF REALITY #obviously i would and do feel differently about complex family dynamics irl but you know what's not real irl either. FIRE MAGIC #YOU BRAINDEAD IDIOTS SERIOUSLYYY #every actually ridiculously insane motherfuckerrrr who claims all ursa ''haters'' are inherently morally Wrong just make me hate her more #like awww yeah it is so sad. it's so sad to abandon your children and favour one over the other and also enable all of your husbands #actions that's so sad #ngl i don't really care that much but people who act like the wife of the colonist is 100% innocent is crazy #and treating her like some sad trapped victim who also has no free will is like... Well it's not NOT racist #like she was not actually trapped considering she you know left and was always fully capable of doing so #okay this was obv a rant i won't delete it but like tldr harmless biases like this seriously don't hurt anything and don't make ppl who #don't like her Woman haters. esp bc most ppl who don't like who do it bc they Do love azula 😭 but for me personally it's just like sorry #she's a bad mother. and i have no mother anymore. So i'm allowed to hate her. ..

[carlyraejepsans]

don't you love (hate) being at your relatives' and trying to write with no headphones (pure hate) while having to hear your family talk shit about you (blind fucking hate) out loud in the other room knowing perfectly well you can hear them (hate. hate. H. A. T. E. hate.)

#you know those moments where you're like ''oh so I won't ever tell you anything about myself ever again. cool'' #i was having a good day. i was having a good fucking day before this. #like i was actually happy with my achievements in school but sure. sure. tear into it like wet paper #I don't care about anything anyway you convinced yourself of that. sure. #heard little bro take my defense at some point and i was about ready to run out there and wrestle him into a bear hug #i should stop coming. no better. i should start coming with my own car. se when they start acting like jackasses i can make my little scene #where i pick up my things and leave. while also getting to say hi to my grandma. who's done nothing to me ever. #i love my mom. not like she makes it any fucking easy #aaaand there she goes again. god shut the fuck up.

[radmista]

Sowing seeds of discontent and disharmony by hanging up on my parents birthday phone call the second my mom asked if I gained weight. Hope that sits badly on their minds while they think about how that's the first call I've engaged with them in 2 months and it was for the dogs birthday. Dad scrambling to text me for my mom that she didn't mean it. Like fuck I told her I've been having a rough month and day. She couldn't keep it to herself that badly. Fucks sake

#was already not in a great place mentally but i entertained the call and was actually feeling okay talking to them giving them an update #she just hits me with that. and I'm not normally sensitive about my weight even when my mom harped on me for gaining some a few years back #i genuinely normally don't care bc I'm happy with myself. but i know ive lost weight because I've been on icu and we don't have time to eat #im so fucking mad and im even more mad I'm crying about it #bc what the fuck #i was actually feeling like momentarily safe talking to them and being vulnerable about working on my next life stages #and she just ruined the call. i wanted to talk to my mom and dad more. i do miss talking to them about some things. #i was happy to get to see my family all together even if it was for the dogs birthday. and people were smiling and shit #and ik theyre gonna say i ruined it by being sensitive but jfc #it was literally the 2nd thing my mom said to me on the call after we sang happy birthday #why couldn't she just shut up. why couldn't she have said anything else. why did i let it bother me so much i hung up #I'm just fucking tired and sad and now feeling even lonlier than ever #i just wanted a nice moment with my family god fucking damn is that too hard to ask for #and im even more angry and sad now that i cant call them back bc my mom will get on me about smth else we were previously talking about #that phone call was supposed to be a neutral zone just for the birthday song. and i was going to ride it out but fucking hell #why didnt i just put up with it so i could have talked to my family #and no calling them back isnt an option. they haven't apologized and it would be an un neutral call #which gives them space to harass me about work and shit

[hwanghyunjinenthusiast]

I hope we all know fanfiction is fanfiction, right? Like I (and all authors tbh) am not here to be your mother. Obviously don't raw dog with strangers. Don't cheat on people. Don't fuck in public parks. I strongly hope we all recognise that this is all fantasy and fiction lol.

#that's honestly why i don't say anything beyond my tags and warnings #I'm not here to be your mom lol #no shade to writers who put (don't do this irl) alongside the warning of unprotected sex I'm always kinda like ??? yeah obviously lol #if shit makes you uncomfortable even within fiction scrolling past is free 👍🏾 #I'm not here to discuss the importance of safe sex and realistic places to fuck #because i assume you're aware of all of that and recognise this is fantasy #by all means write as much protected sex and sex within bedrooms as you please #this is just a thought that's been brewing for some time #rj talks

[astridthevalkyrie]

everything you see ab being the oldest daughter is true btw why am i the family therapist AND punching bag smh

long ass depressing rant in the tags srry i got a wee bit emotional

#my dad has something going on where there's a ringing in his ear my mom has tendonitis and neck pain now #and i feel for both of them i'm goin to cvs to get the meds giving my mom massages every night talking to my dad to distract him #they're both going to the correct doctors #but just throwing it out there i have had tendonitis and chronic upper back pain for 5-6 years and no one gave a shit most i've gotten is #jokes that i'm faking it #i'm in physical therapy for my back NOW but that's bc i finally crawled out of the depression long enough to do it myself #which is fine whatever i'm 22 i should be the one making my own appointments and it'd be weird if i wasn't #but when i was 16 or 17??? #being hospitalized for STRESS HEADACHES at 14 too??? #who gets hospitalized for that shit and how were my parents not concerned that i at the age of 14 was #so stressed out that my head was pounding all the time #and bc i'm the third parent who has to be the only emotional safe space #i don't say anything if my sisters are rude to me bc at least they feel safe enough around me to be rude to me #i have to listen to everyone and their momma's problems #i'm in law school!!! i do not need this i'm anxious all the time!!! #and if i'm not anxious i'm depressed!!! #my therapist point blank tells me shit like 'you're incredibly lonely' or 'you have way too much on your shoulders' and it makes me CRY #the most basic fucking observations that i KNOW but hearing someone else acknowledge it and not berate me fucking sends me into TEARS #i get messages from online friends here like 'hey i saw your post you don't deserve that' i physically cannot keep my eyes dry!! #every time i have any interaction ever i am at least a little uncomfortable bc i am always trying so hard to make sure i come off as kind #and not awkward or mean #i feel like everyone around me was given some kind of how to manual on life that i wasn't #and i KNOW this is not unique tons and tons of people feel like this #i know this is the depression and the anxiety and the possible autism i'm well aware #but then every couple of days my mom gets the brilliant idea to tell me i'm rude or lazy or whatever and i lose my shit #i just wanna sleep and write fanfics in the nicest way possible i hate everyone #i will try my best to not be mean to anyone bc no one deserves it but i am angry and i am constantly feeling the hurt of my inner child #my MOTHER threw a hardcover book at my HEAD when i was ten bc i had been reading and hid the book under the pillow #what the actual fuck???? #my dad's response to any and everything is to deal with it

[love-has-a-way-ofgrowingbackward]

everytime i take a tiny triangle out of the cake i made my brother comes in and cuts off a trapezium, making the cut a single clean line. it would be vaguely funny but like i made the thing and like could he not eat it all without leaving some for me

#rant #i guess #it really fucking annoys me how i have to cut off my share in everything that comes in this house ever #like always stay on alert for your food and stash away your share or its gonna be gone by morning #i dont even know why its making me frustrated enough to cry #its just. nice good food has always been a treat and motivator for me and my brother has a habit of always grabbing my share too #it sounds so silly out of context but like. ive had a lifetime of going through a bad tiring day with nothing to look forward to but #a nap and something i like to eat. and always opening the fridge to an empty container #or worse the box is there but then i get in bed with a book and open the damn thing to find half a spoonful inside. #it would be annoying once or twice but its just. all the fucking time. #i hate this survivalistic shit #its not long before i move out thank god but still #he always did it when i was young and my mom hardly ever said anything #like now if i want i can get myself some treats but when i was younger i didnt have much choice. #i havent had the time to bake in two years and prep plus baking the layer cake took two days. i put so much work in it. #and he ate half of it by the time i came back from fucking peeing. i cant even say anything because he gets fucking angry and aggressive #at the drop of a hat so im. crying in my room about it. look my feelings are not as drownable and consuming now. i generally dont #let things like that affect me too much. but i feel so young again and like the entire world is so unfair. i don't know #writing my feelings out on a tumblr blog is so much better than journalling they should recommend this shit in therapy

[bread-of-death]

Keep having to remind myself that not only can I not eat I can't drink for the next twelve hours :((

#I want waterrrrr #but I also don't want to die in surgeryyyyy #that would suckkk #I actually had to move all my water bottles into a corner behind my sax case so I would remember I can't drink anything #I still think I'm gonna fuck up and drink something without thinking about it #anyways yeah I haven't mentioned it but I'm getting my wisdom teeth removed tomorrow #I'm scared that I'm gonna like #come out to my mom or say fuck in front of her or something while I'm high off anesthesia #:// #we'll see how it goes #whatever happens happens and I'll deal with it after I'm not needing to sleep the world away

[sherlock-is-ace]

.

#not to be depressing in new year's eve but i feel so shit right now... #all year i've been so out of myself not enjoying anything #and what i do manage to enjoy takes up like an hour of my life and then it becomes disappointing #that's how i would describe the past few months... disappointing #everything feels flat #I can't manage to hold on to a good feeling for more than an hour or two #i have absolutely no hope for the future and I don't even care about that anymore #nothing feels worth anything anymore #and what's really solidifying that feeling today of all days #is the fact that every year since before I was born my family celebrates new years eve #a few years ago the celebrations changed since my extended family decided to cut us out a bit but my mom brother and i still celebrate #we get yummy food play fun games and just spend the night together until midnight when we toast and go to bed #well this year it's 10:30 and we're already in bed doing the same things we do every day #being on our phones or watching a movie or whatever on our own #and it's just disappointing again #idk if it's the break of the tradition or the fact that the new year doesn't feel important this time #but i feel so fucking sad and numb and depressed #i hate it #I don't even feel like saying the usual ''hope 2024 is better'' shit #i just don't care and i don't think it's gonna be better... it's gonna be the same old shit and it's gonna be disappointing #nothing matters anymore and i don't think anyone fucking cares #i feel so numb... #i don't even know what the point of this post is... sorry about that #hope y'all's new years eve is better than mine (or new year's day idk your time zones) #angel talks #personal

[angered-box]

yknow realizing my family was super fucking mean to me for no reason before i turned 18

#no cause. why did my parents threaten to beat me for having a low C almost D/ any missing assignments. but now whenever my mother finds out #about it she like. actually asks if i'm doing alright and not yelling at me to turn them in (she still wants me to do good but like. there' #no more threats?) i mean my bio dad might still do that but i don't tell him anything about my classes anymore #AND ALSO HOW I USED TO BE PICKED ON BY MY BIO DAD AND MY GRANDPARENTS WHEN IWAS YOUNGER FOR HAVING TEXTURE ISSUES BUT NOW THEY'RE LIKE #“oh yea i can't eat this food because i just don't like it” AND UNDERSTAND ME WHEN I SAY I CAN'T EAT CERTAIN THINGS. #i just GAHHHHHHH WHAT THE FUCK #i still remember when my mom and bio dad thought i was lying to them about losing my glasses when i was FUCKING 9-10. they thought i #hid/threw them out!!! and when i found them like a few years later because they were in a spot in my bag young me never really used #MY MOTHER STILL THOUGHT I PUT THEM THERE ON PURPOSE. THIS WAS YEARS AGO BUT I'M STILL MAD ABOUT IT #I HAVE BEEN TREATED LIKE A LIAR ABOUT THINGS FOR SO LONG TO THE POINT THAT I CAN'T HANDLE JOKES ABOUT LYING AND ALSO GET SCARED THAT #I'M NOT BEING TRUTHFUL EVEN IF I AM!!! #anyways :D #i'll probably delete this later idk i feel bad right now

[moonscape]

palkia you son of a bitch

#bwark #when the bw anime was first coming out i was watching it subbed and it was actually my first exposure to subbed anime #and my dumb little 10 yr old brain was so confused by the process at the time #and the subs i watched made ash say damn all the time #and it scared me i was genuinely like he would not fucking say that #it got even worse when my mom got the official manga for giratina and the sky warrior because i remember him saying damn in that too?? #and looking back on it im like. was that really official? because i doubt pokemon would allow that to be said in official merch #but i also frequently gaslight myself into thinking weird things about media are true when they're not #like when i could've sworn that if you lost to koffing and zubat in explorers of time (but not sky i don't think) koffing would literally #say hell #or how you could make link eat worms in twilight princess (honestly still haven't fact checked this and i can't find anything about it #online but i'm choosing to believe that tp link does eat worms regardless of if it's true or not) #but anyway back to my point. ash saying damn was like the scariest thing to me as a kid i literally couldn't finish that manga because of it #it didn't scare me when i got to the bw subs but i would still clutch my pearls at it #and now ash calling the god of space a son of a bitch is so fucking funny to me

[none-tadashi-left-hiro]

oh I forgot abt that

#cw family trauma #cw abuse #cw guns #haha so I just remembered the time my mom confessed to me she got so frustrated with my oldest brother she felt like she wanted to #'just shoot him' #what the fuck was that #i don't remember how old I was but I was def a minor #oh and the time said older brother said he was glad there weren't guns in the house otherwise someone would have used them by now #him having been the most likely to resort to physical violence during that time #like #theyre just white suburban idiots #and it's never been consistent physical abuse as much as emotional #my mom is not an aggressive person #she just victimizes herself to hell and back #but like #what the FUCK #people talk abt suppressed memories but I don't think any of mine were #my oldest brother slapped me once several years ago #and punched me on the shoulder another time #but never anything where I was injured or in pain #he's not bonkers or anything #just #white suburban toxic families are fucking wild #how can you SAY that about your own son #like yeah he's an asshole sometimes but he's not like THAT kind of asshole #holy fuck #i don't think anyone here would actually resort to actively harming someone #theyre just #white #idk

[edwardshundredyearoldspunk]

…

#i hate that i'm like this but the girl we're hosting used my mug and it makes me irrationally angry #like #i didn't ever tell her ''hey don't use this mug because i have my own stuff and i don't like cross contaminating'' #so i KNOW i have no right to be angry #and it coooouuld have been one of my family members who used it but i doubt it because they know i don't like sharing mugs and glasses etc #but either way this is just a symptom of how chaotic i feel in my own house and i hate myself for being like this #i never say anything because i KNOW its crazy people talk to be like ''hey that's my seat. why? because i always sit there and like it?'' #and i know it doesn't affect anyone how the spoons are organized and how the plates are stacked and where the pots are stored #but its just infuriating to see things in places where (in my mind system) they don't go #i know it's the autism but that has never found me any sort of sympathy in my family (diagnosis or no diagnosis) so i can't say that #and if i skirt around it and say ''i like things a certain way and not having them like that causes me severe emotional distress'' #it makes me seem controlling and abusive (which are things my mom has implied i am when i explain these things to her) #i know the real reason for these issues isn't our guest but also at this point she isn't our fucking guest because SHE'S BEEN HERE A MONTH #and she is clearly overstaying her welcome imo #i don't say anything because i'm not a mean person but i'm sure everyone around me can tell i'm stressed about something #i just need my space back but i don't even feel like i have a claim over that cuz mexican families are full of the ''my house my rules'' bs #which is untrue because a) the house isn't even owned by my parents anymore #(they made some stupid financial choices years ago and my uncle had to buy the house from them or risk foreclosure) #and b) we're all adults (except my brother obviously) and we all contribute however we can #so i should have some say in how i feel if i'm living here imo #and i am trying to make money however i can so i can move out soon #but just going out twice a week has me like this i can't imagine working a traditional job atm #(i did apply for a grant for autistic people of color so hopefully something will come of that) #anyways that was my rant i'm just really stressed and constantly on the brink of a meltdown #it's not this random girls fault #she just happens to be the final drop in my very very small bucket very often these days #(y'know because she's a fucking stranger in my house and i hate having to mask in my own home idk i'm awful i probably won't post this)

[todayisafridaynight]

grabbing the ichi plush by the neck and death gripping it like 'good things are to come its all going to be ok good things are to come' like its a lucky amulet

#snap chats #i didnt even pre order the ichi plush but spiritually i did. good luck charm. #anyway rant time look away from here. Im At My Limit <- i say this every week #I DONT EVEN KNOW WHATS WRONG <- lying. my moms home #i just feel terrible again. i feel so awful i gave myself a headache from being upset #do you know how upset you have to be to give yourself a headache just sitting and thinking #that happened when i was taking a spanish test once but i think i was just so stupid my brain actually started to hurt trying to think #i also remember being sad as hell that day tho so....... maybe it was both #everyday it feels like im sad thats so fucked up and theres nothing i can do about it #ALSO IT'S RAINING AGAIN rain never promises anything good unless you're a plant #im working but i should have this done in. idk a few hours #and then its the weekend right.... there's no limitations for sadness though brother doesn't run on a schedule #unless we're talking about seasonal depression but we know what i mean #ew im supposed to go to that con tomorrow i dont even know if i want to go anymore #i just don't want to do anything anymore ig is the vibe #idk i have a journal to whine bout all this in ╮(╯-╰)╭ squeezing ichi plush is a mood tho so im still posting #maybe if i play a lil y7 ill remember theres good things to wake up for.. #also i gave myself another headache OWOWOWOW STOP when will it end #wait let me be sad again because my dad said we'd hang out today or tomorrow #but i just know that's not happening and now im even more sad WEHHH no one loves me etc etc die #sometimes you just need a melodramatic teenager moment i think we're all due that right like once a month #ok i have to stop my head really hurts ☠️☠️☠️