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homomenhommes · 2 months

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THIS DAY IN GAY HISTORY

based on: The White Crane Institute's 'Gay Wisdom', Gay Birthdays, Gay For Today, Famous GLBT, glbt-Gay Encylopedia, Today in Gay History, Wikipedia, and more … March 7

U.S. Marine Drummer 1811

1811 – Ensign John Hepburn and drummer Thomas White are hanged for consensual sodomy by the English Navy before "a vast concourse of spectators" including nobles.

1855 – Count Robert de Montesquiou-Fezensac was a writer during France's Belle Epoque, but he is best remembered as a dandy and an aesthete, who inspired the literary creations of others.(d.1921) Born in Paris into a family that traced its nobility back to the early middle ages, Montesquiou boasted (quite truthfully) that he was "allied to the greater part of the European aristocracy."

Montesquiou was equally proud of his intellectual and literary achievements, which, at least in his own eyes, were considerable. He published eleven volumes of symbolist poetry, but contemporary critics found his verses overly "precious" and posterity has been no kinder. Montesquiou also wrote two novels, three volumes of memoirs, and a great deal of literary criticism.

He befriended, encouraged, and supported numerous artists: painters such as Gustave Moreau, Edgar Degas, and James McNeill Whistler; poets such as Paul Verlaine, Stéphane Mallarmé, and François Coppée; and prose writers such as Adam Villiers de l'Isle-Adam and Marcel Proust.

He crammed his home with so much artistic bric-à-brac that fellow aristocrat Boni de Castellane remarked that he showed "less taste than imagination." as an interior decorator.

Montesquiou was a well-known figure in Parisian high society. He entertained lavishly, although, as he confessed, "I preferred my receptions to my guests, who may have noticed. . . . I gave parties for selfish reasons, less to satisfy my guests than to please myself."

In sum, Montesquiou's contemporaries generally considered him a dandy, an aesthete, and a snob. They admired his stylishness, but found him pompous and even ridiculous; they flattered his ego because they feared his savage wit, but they mocked him behind his back.

Montesquiou's homosexual tendencies were patently obvious, but he may in fact have lived a chaste life. He had no affairs with women, although in 1876 he reportedly once slept with the great actress Sarah Bernhardt, after which he vomited for twenty-four hours. (She remained a great friend.)

He had aristocratic women friends, but much preferred the company of bright and attractive young men. In 1885, he began a close long-term relationship with Gabriel Yturri (1868-1905), a handsome South American immigrant who became his secretary, companion, and possibly lover. After Yturri died of diabetes, Henri Pinard replaced him as secretary in 1908 and eventually inherited Montesquiou's much reduced fortune.

Montesquiou inspired the peacock in Edmond Rostand's play Chantecler (1910), who pompously announces to the other barnyard animals: "I am pleased to represent that Good Taste of which I am . . . the guardian."

However, Montesquiou is most remembered as the principal model for Baron Palamède de Charlus in Marcel Proust's great novel, Remembrance of Things Past (1913-27, recently translated as In Search of Lost Time). All Paris recognized Montesquiou in Charlus's arrogance and insolence, mannerisms, and voice inflections.

Montesquiou pretended not to notice and even praised Proust's work for its realistic treatment of homosexuality, but he was in fact mortified, writing to a friend: "I have taken to bed, sick from the publication of three volumes that have distressed me."

Montesquiou died in Menton on the French Riviera on December 11, 1921. He was buried in Versailles next to the faithful Yturri.

1875 – One of France's most distinguished composers, Maurice Ravel (d.1937) was a prolific and versatile artist who worked in several musical genres, creating stage music (two operas and several ballets), orchestral music, vocal music, chamber music, and piano music. His unique musical language, employing harmonies that are at once ravishing and subtle, made him one of the most influential composers of the twentieth century.

Ravel's sexuality has been the subject of intense speculation. Although it is not certain that he was gay, he was rumored to be so. Fiercely protective of his privacy, his most significant emotional relationship seems to have been with his mother. At the same time, however, he embraced a public identity as a cultured dandy, a dapper man-about-town of refined taste and sensibility.

A life-long bachelor, Ravel had several significant relationships with men, including one with pianist Ricardo Viñes, a fellow dandy and bachelor, but it is not certain whether these friendships were sexual.

As a young man, Ravel joined a circle of avant-garde writers and composers called Les Apaches. This group included Viñes and the composers Manuel de Falla, Florent Schmitt, and Stravinsky. Several members of the circle, including Ravel, developed an interest in the new American form of music, jazz. Not surprisingly, jazz rhythms entered some of Ravel's compositions, such as his late Sonata for Violin and Piano, which includes a jazzy movement called "The Blues."

Ravel's most familiar work to contemporary audiences is the Boléro of 1928, which he considered something of a well-orchestrated joke because of its constant repetitions of the same melody. Commissioned by the dancer Ida Rubinstein for a ballet choreographed by Nijinsky, the Boléro is a bravura work built on a relentless rhythm that culminates in the wild abandon of Dionysian revels. It is certainly one of the most widely performed and recognized pieces of classical music.

Ravel's career and life can be divided into two parts, separated by World War I, which had a traumatic effect on him. Before the war, he was an important presence in French musical circles, often conducting his own works, giving piano concerts, and collaborating with Sergei Diaghilev on commissions for the Ballets Russes. After the war, however, the composer's physical and emotional health deteriorated. He retreated from Paris and spent the last decade of his life in semi-retirement.

In 1928, Ravel made a triumphant four-month tour of the United States, where he met many musical notables, including George Gershwin, whom he admired greatly.

In his final years, Ravel suffered a series of health problems and gradually lost the ability to communicate with others. He died in Paris on December 28, 1937 after a series of strokes and an unsuccessful brain operation.

1900 – The British/Grenadian jazz musician Leslie Hutchinson was born on this date (d. 1969). Known as "Hutch", he was one of the biggest cabaret stars in the world during the 1920s and 1930s. He was born on the Island of Grenada as Leslie Arthur Hutchinson, he took piano lessons as a child. He moved to New York City in his teens, originally to take a degree in medicine as he won a place due to his high aptitude, and began playing the piano and singing in bars. He then joined a black band led by Henry "Broadway" Jones, who often played for white millionaires such as the Vanderbilts, attracting the wrath of the Ku Klux Klan. In 1924 he left America for Paris, where he had a residency in Joe Zelli's club and became a friend and lover of Cole Porter. He was for some time the highest paid star in Britain and was one of the biggest stars during the twenties and thirties in the UK.

"Hutch" was believed to have had relationships with Ivor Novello, Merle Oberon, and actress Tallulah Bankhead. The rumors include affairs with Edwina Mountbatten and members of the British Royal Family which supposedly led to his social ostracism and the destruction of his professional career.

Encouraged by his lover Edwina Mountbatten, he came to England in 1927 to perform in a Rodgers and Hart musical, and soon became the darling of society and the population in general. "Hutch" was a favorite singer of the then Prince of Wales (later King Edward VIII). He was regularly heard on air with the BBC. One of his greatest hits was "These Foolish Things". He was a much-loved wartime entertainer. As well as being a friend and lover of Cole Porter, he recorded several of his songs, including "Begin the Beguine" and Porter's list song "Let's Do It (Let's Fall in Love)", to which he supposedly made up some 70 new verses. He later married and had a daughter. He would go on to sire six further children to five different mothers. Hutchinson died from pneumonia in 1969. Only 42 people attended his funeral.

1934 – The Soviet Union reinstates consensual sodomy as a crime, with a penalty of up to five years in prison, if with consent, and eight years at hard labor, if without

1964 – Today's also the birthday of American writer Bret Easton Ellis. His books include: Less than Zero (1985), The Rules of Attraction (1987), American Psycho (1991), The Informers (1994), Glamorama (1999), and Lunar Park (2005) When asked an interview in 2002 whether or not he was gay, Ellis explained that he does not identify himself as gay or straight. He explained that he is comfortable to be thought of as gay, bisexual or heterosexual and that he enjoys playing with his persona, identifying variously as gay, straight and bi to different people over the years.

In a 1999 interview, the author puts forward that his reticence to definitively label his sexuality (in his own words, he is "very coy and weird about it") is for "artistic reasons", because "if people knew that I was straight, they'd read [my books] in a different way. If they knew I was gay, 'Psycho' would be read as a different book." In an interview with Robert F. Coleman, Bret refers to his as an "indeterminate sexuality", and said "any other interviewer out there will get a different answer and it just depends on the mood I am in".

Ellis has long acknowledged having had gay sex, but for most of his career he unequivocally claimed he was not gay. Then, in 2005, he began to discuss having had a six-year relationship with a man ten years his junior who died tragically young.

Ellis's fiction roughly mirrors his biography. His first four novels and one book of short stories are filled with sexually ambiguous characters. Then, in Lunar Park (2005), Ellis himself appears as a character, a middle-aged writer, who, just before the novel ends, begins a relationship with a younger man.

In a 2011 interview Ellis again states that his answers to questions about his sexuality have varied from interviewer to interviewer, citing an example where his reticence to refuse the label "bi" had him stuck with it and it was published that way. "I think the last time I slept with a woman was five or six years ago, so the bi thing can only be played out so long," he clarifies. "But I still use it, I still say it." In responding to Dan Savage's It Gets Better campaign, aimed at preventing suicide among LGBT youth, Ellis tweeted "Not to bum everyone out, but can we get a reality check here? It gets worse."

1974 – Darryl Stephens is an American actor. He is best known for playing Noah Nicholson on the television dramedy Noah's Arc.

Stephens was born in Pasadena, California. He grew up in the Altadena and Pasadena areas of Los Angeles, California. He attended the University of California, Berkeley where he studied sociology and ethnic studies along with drama and dance before earning a Bachelor's Degree in American Culture Studies. He performed for four years in San Francisco with the cult theater troupe Sassymouth before returning to Los Angeles to pursue a film and television career. He also worked with the Berkeley Black Theater Workshop.

Back in L.A., Stephens appeared on the sexy late-night serial MTV's Undressed, the short-lived series That's Life, and VH1's Red Eye. During the same period, he was also appearing in various commercials for products such as Dockers and performing in small theater venues and scene study classes. He also played in a Hollywood revival of the well-known play Bent.

Stephens had supporting roles in the films Seamless, Not Quite Right, and Circuit. However, his breakout role came in 2004, when independent filmmaker Patrik-Ian Polk cast him as the lead character for the new series Noah's Arc. The original intention was for the show to be released direct-to-DVD after it had received rave reviews at various film festivals. However, in the fall of 2005, LOGO picked up Noah's Arc, which debuted on October 19.

In August 2006 the second season of Noah's Arc was televised. By the end of 2006, Stephens had completed roles in the comedy Another Gay Movie and the drama Boy Culture, the latter alongside newcomer Derek Magyar.

In October 2008, a feature film version was released. Noah's Arc: Jumping the Broom picks up where the show's second season left off and tells the story of the marriage between Stephens' character and Jensen Atwood's.

In 2010, he guest starred in an episode of Private Practice, playing a pre-op transgendered character. His next film, scheduled for release in 2011, is Bolden!, a bio film about jazz great Buddy Bolden starring Anthony Mackie as Bolden. Stephen's role is of cornet player Frank Lewis.

Stephens released a self-published novel in 2011, entitled Shortcomings, which weaves together short stories he had written previously. He is also a singer songwriter.

Although Stephens is reluctant to discuss his personal life, he is openly gay and his roles address issues of classism and sexuality.

1985 – Guy Benson is a columnist, commentator, and political pundit. He is a contributor to Fox News, political editor of Townhall.com, and a conservative talk radio host.

Benson lived much of his early life overseas, then grew up in Ridgewood, New Jersey, where he attended middle school and Ridgewood High School. During high school, he was known for broadcasting sports on local television. While working toward his bachelor's degree at Northwestern University, Benson worked for the campus radio station, WNUR, broadcasting sporting events and hosting a political talk show. He also interned for two summers at Fox News, working primarily with Hannity & Colmes, before assisting the channel with its coverage of the 2004 Republican National Convention. Benson also reported for an NPR station in South Florida, broadcast summer baseball games in the Cape Cod Baseball League, and interned at the White House.

After graduating with honors from the Medill School of Journalism at Northwestern University in 2007, Benson served as the producer of The Sandy Rios Show, then a local afternoon radio show with Christian Right commentator Sandy Rios on WYLL-AM in Chicago, before Rios moved to Washington D.C. in July 2010 to host Sandy Rios in the Morning on AFR TALK on American Family Radio. From to 2008 to 2015, Benson also hosted his own Sunday night radio program, The Guy Benson Show, on AM 560 WIND in Chicago and AM 1260 WWRC in Washington, D.C.

In 2010, Benson became political editor at Townhall.com, where his columns had been published since February 2008. Benson also contributes to Townhall's sister site, Hot Air. He previously wrote at Andrew Breitbart's "Big" sites and National Review Online's Media Blog. In addition to serving as a regular guest and substitute host on The Hugh Hewitt Show, Benson is a frequent guest on cable news networks, including Fox News and CNBC. In May 2015, together with coauthor Mary Katharine Ham, Benson published his first non-fiction book End of Discussion: How the Left's Outrage Industry Shuts Down Debate, Manipulates Voters, and Makes America Less Free (and Fun), a critique of political correctness in politics, media and culture from the point of view of two Millennial conservatives.

In April 2008 Benson discovered video from a 2007 reunion of the Weathermen, a radical left-wing group from the 1960s and 70s. The footage included quotes from two members, Bill Ayers and Bernardine Dohrn, defending their actions. Since Barack Obama was criticized during the 2008 presidential campaign for associating with Ayers and Dohrn, the clips made national news. Benson garnered national attention during the 2008 presidential race on two other occasions. In August, after the Obama campaign attacked WGN radio in Chicago for allowing Stanley Kurtz to appear on their station, Benson—who was in studio during the interview—detailed his experience. Then, two weeks before Election Day, Benson joined with Mary Katharine Ham and Ed Morrissey to pen "The Comprehensive Argument Against Barack Obama," released on Hot Air.

Benson's brother is actor, writer, and director James Benson. Guy Benson came out as gay in May 2015 by announcing in advance of publication that his new book, End of Discussion, would include a footnote: "Guy here. So, I'm gay." Benson told an interviewer that "gay rights is not something that dominates my attentions — or my passions." In September 2019, Benson married Adam Wise.

2014 – Jamaica: Police attempted to evict homeless LGBT youth from the sewers of New Kingston. A judge ruled that since sewers were a pubic place, and the youth had nowhere else to go, they could stay there. Youth who were arrested were charged with swearing and had to pay a fine.

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kahran042 · 8 months

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Adrian's Adventures in Time!

Lately, I've been wondering what one of my OCs would do if they were chosen to take the place of the protagonist in Pepper's Adventures in Time, so I decided to go with Adrian "The Anti-Fraggle" Bernhardt because I can't imagine any of my OCs who's less like Pepper, but still has a beloved pet. I hope I didn't make him too unlikable here, but considering who he's interacting with… at any rate, enjoy, and let me know what you think!

Adrian: Uh-oh. Liberty Bell? Hare Krishnas? This looks familiar. I'm… trapped in Pepper's Adventures in Time, perhaps one of the worst edutainment products ever released! NOOOOO! Narrator: Out of curiosity, how do you know about Pepper's Adventures in Time? Adrian: Mom got it for Kiera when she was nine. She didn't like it, either, and we made fun of it together once.

Narrator: FALSE. No way! These guys are totally un-colonial. The Hare Krishnas, a cult stressing devotion to the Hindu god Krishna, first appeared in the United States in 1966, and they DIDN'T crack the Liberty Bell. The Liberty Bell was actually cracked at the foundry or forge. Adrian: No, it wasn't. They wouldn't have let a cracked or broken bell out of the forge. The Liberty Bell was forged by abolitionists to be rung whenever a slave was freed, but because said abolitionists were almost as cynical as yours truly, it was made of substandard materials, and it was cracked by its own clapper while being rung sometime in the early 19th century. Narrator: Well, excuse me, Professor Know-It-All. By the way, that was a demonstration of the Truth Icon. Use it often! Now back to Pep--er, Adrian's Adventures in Time…

Poor Richard: Prithee, lass--my, but thy clothing is odd! Oh, I am rude. I do not mean to offend, stranger. Prithee, have mercy! Adrian: Okay, you have to be one of the ugliest people I've ever seen. And I'm not a lass. Poor Richard: I have commited no crime, lass, and my name's not O'Kay. My ancestry is English, not Irish. Poor Richard, at thy service. Adrian: If you haven't commited a crime, then why are you in the stocks? Poor Richard: Well, 'tis a long story, but I am at thy mercy. You see, something awful has happened to Benjamin Franklin. He once led the people of our fair city to be wise and good and frugal. Now he gives them ridiculous, silly advice, and they follow like a flock of sheep! Adrian: If you ask me, it's what they deserve for never learning to think for themselves. Poor Richard: Foolishness and frivolity rule our once fair colony, thanks to Ben! Adrian: Ben probably isn't totally innocent, but like I said, if the colonists weren't so stupid, none of this would have happened. Poor Richard: For pointing out their folly, my friends and neighbors have clapped me into these stocks. Please, lass, I need thy help most desperately! Adrian: For the third time, I'm a lad, not a lass. And why should I let you out? You could be lying about being innocent. Poor Richard: But thou must! Adrian: Well, maybe I just don't feel like it. Poor Richard: But thou must! Adrian: This is starting to seem familiar. Poor Richard: But thou must! Adrian: … Poor Richard: But thou must! Adrian: … Poor Richard: But thou must! Adrian: …FINE. I'll let you out. does so

Narrator: It's Terra! Twenty-two ounces of musteline attitude, and LOTS of teeth!

Watchman: Here now! I saw what you did! You let that criminal go! Adrian: To be fair, he wore me down with incessant "but thou must"-ing. Terra: starts sniffing the watchman's feet Watchman: I'm the King's own watchman, I am, and you're under arrest! Adrian: For what? For tampering with the King's justice, for outlandish dress, and--HEY! Yer a girl, are ye not?!? Adrian: Trust me, you're not the first person to make that mistake. Watchman: Ye can't fool me, you're a girl! You're also charged with wearing trousers in public! C'mere, you! Let's just empty those pockets! Watchman: tries to grab Adrian Adrian: dodges the grab, then throws the watchman to the ground with a swift nagewaza Narrator: Adrian wins. Flawless victory. Adrian picks up Terra, who is sniffing at the unconscious watchman Adrian: And now we just need to find some way back to our own time. C'mon, girl. Wait, what's that!? A carriage pulls up, and Adrian hides in a nearby alleyway. Suddenly, a cat appears out of nowhere, and Terra leaps out of Adrian's arms and starts doing the weasel war dance Adrian: Terra! NO! Terra bumps her head on the side of the carriage and faints Pugh: Oh, bother, what is it now? Some snot-nosed colonial brat, I suppose. I just had these wheels polished, you know. Percy: It appears to be some sort of cat…snake…thing, General Pugh, sir. Ima: A kitty! Oooooh! The watchman enters Watchman: 'Ay! Has anyone seen a strangely clad young girl about? She's a felon, and that rat-like creature over there is her accomplice! Adrian (thinking): Wait. Didn't I just kick that guy's ass? Percy: Well that hardly matters, does it, you malodorous fellow. That cat snake is dead. Watchman: It is not! It's just stunned, it is! Percy: See here now, man, that creature is stiff as a board! Watchman: That creature was stiff before it ever hit your carriage! See there, he's looking at you! Hello, whatever kind of creature you are! Percy: It is NOT looking at me because it CAN'T look at me! That cat snake has perished! It is deceased! Defunct! It is an EX-CAT SNAKE! Adrian (thinking): Judging by their desecration of a classic comedy routine, I'm assuming that these are the bad guys. Hope Terra's all right. Terra gets up Watchman: See! I told you! I told you! Percy: Oh, why don't you just shut your gob and find this mysterious girl, you fatwit! Watchman: Yes, sir! Right away, sir!

Adrian: Why hasn't anyone done anything about that bastard General Pugh? Quibble: Because everyone in this town is a spineless coward, that's why. Have you ever seen more worthless men in your life? Victor: Who asked you, toots? Anyway, there WERE some people who wanted to get rid of him. Especially Ben Franklin! But when he changed his mind and said "Everybody do your own thing", I guess we all changed our minds, too. Quibble: That would be a nice theory, dear, if you had a mind to change. Adrian: Hey, you stole my line! At any rate, you aren't doing your own thing. You're still marching in lockstep with Ben. Victor: Zip it, babe. Quibble: In your dreams, weasel boy. Adrian: What's with all your weasel-bashing? If Terra were here, I'm sure that she would be deeply offended.

Adrian: What's your name? Quibble: I'm Quibble Quabble, and this thing is the love of my life, Vicar Victor Bicker. Adrian: I'm sorry to hear that. Your parents must have really hated you… both of you, actually. Victor: I can speak for myself, dearest. Quibble: Put a cork in it, dearest. Adrian (thinking): Yeah, yeah. Just fuck and make up, already.

Adrian: What's up with Ben Franklin? I've heard that he might be disturbed. Quibble: Oh, Ben's not disturbed! He's really cool. He's the one who taught us to, you know, let all your feelings out. Adrian: …Because Ben would normally support repressing one's emotions? Victor: "Ben"? "Cool"? You like him, don't you, Quibby! You have a crush on Ben Franklin! I knew it. I just knew it! Quibble: Helloo! Why don't you come and live in this world with us, Victor? Ben is married! Geez. Adrian: Never stopped Ben.

Adrian: Why hasn't anyone done anything about the Pughs? Quibble: Hey, they're a pain and all, but most of us have our own problems. We don't have time to save the world from British generals, you dig? Victor: What, you're too busy doing your nails? You have no sense of social injustice, Quibby. Quibble: Oh, go tell it to the chickens in the henhouse, weasel-boy! Adrian: Seriously, at least TRY to come up with some new insults.

Narrator: TRUE. Most colonial women sewed clothes for themselves and their families, but upper-class women often had their sewing done elsewhere. They had really important things to do, like painting china and learning to dance. Adrian: But would a colonial shop really be called "Ye Olde Sew and Sew"?

Narrator: TRUE and FALSE. Colonial bakeries certainly had signs, but they didn't have names like "Ye Olde Sprouts and Rice". The concept of health food wasn't around yet. Adrian: So, you'll point out the anachronism of a health food store in 1764, but not the inherent anachronism of a store in olden times being called "Ye Olde Whatever"? Narrator: Come to think of it, that's actually a wicked good point. Adrian: Thanks. Wait a minute. What do you mean, "actually"?

Tattle: Hello? Oh, 'tis a fine young girl. Can I help you, lass? Adrian: Where do I start? I'm lost in time, the Pughs stole my ferret, everyone seems to think that I'm a girl, and I don't know what to do. Tattle: Now, just relax, lassie. My name is Tattle Taleteller, and I know everything about everyone! Just tell me what you want to know! Adrian: I said this to that other lady, too, but your parents must have really hated you, even more than mine hate me. Also, I am not a "lassie". I'm 100% man, despite my androgynous charm.

Adrian: Have the Pughs always been like this? Tattle: Oh, yes! When old Hugh Pugh I was here, things were even worse. I guess we're just lucky that Hugh Pugh II spends so much time powdering his wig instead of making us miserable! Adrian (thinking): That has got to be an innuendo. Wait, did they even have innuendos in colonial times? No, they must have had them. After all, Shakespeare used them.

Adrian: Ima Pugh stole my ferret! Have you heard anything about that? Tattle: What's a ferret? Adrian: It's pretty much hamster hardware running cat software. Tattle: Oh, that's right. I heard just a little while ago that the Pughs got a new pet. I'm so sorry, little girl! You'll forget about him, in time. Adrian: In case you haven't noticed, I'm not a girl. And my ferret isn't a "him", for that matter. At any rate, I can't just forget her. She's one of the four things I love. Tattle: Oh, didn't you know? Animals who go into Penn Mansion NEVER come out, dearie. At least not…the same way.

Adrian: What can you tell me about Ben Franklin? Tattle: Ben is perfectly fine. After all, he did give us the excellent Doctrine of Personal Mellowness and all. But that's not the whole story, no ma'am! I heard that Ben and his wife Deborah are having problems! Yes ma'am, she's always leaving the house to go somewhere! SOME people say she's seeing another man. Adrian: Hey, what's a relationship without a bit of mutual adultery? Tattle: SOME people say it's that Poor Richard! Adrian: Poor Richard? Having sex? With another human being? Right, and I'm Matthias Corvinus, King of Hungary and Croatia.

Narrator: TRUE. A colonial bakery might have been run by a woman. It didn't happen that often, but it wasn't unheard of. Adrian: Yes, but that's not a woman. It's some sort of anthropomorphic pig creature.

Adrian: Can you help me? Goody: Certainly, child! What do you need? Some soy flour? Some tofu? A nice cabbage cookie, perhaps? Adrian: No, thank you. shudders Goody: Well, you don't seem to be affected by the mass lunacy that's plagued this colony! I believe you actually shuddered at the mention of tofu! Adrian: It was the cabbage cookies that made me shudder. Honestly, I kind of… like tofu if it's cooked right. I'm guessing you haven't been affected by this "mass lunacy" either, then? Goody: No, thank heavens. Nice to meet you. I'm Goody Gumdrops, and I own this once fine establishment. If there's anything I can do for you, let me know. Adrian (thinking): And that's three! Three women in this town with unbelievably stupid names! At least this one seems nice enough.

Adrian: Is it true that Ben Franklin is responsible for the weirdness going on here? Goody: It is! He came into town dressed like a fool, all covered in beads. Then he started passing out his foolish Doctrine of Personal Mellowness. Adrian: Hey! Don't insult fools. That's the freakin' 0th Major Arcana of the Tarot you're talking about. Goody: My friends and neighbors BELIEVED it! Before I knew it, they were ALL dressed like Ben! Adrian: Has it occurred to you that your friends and neighbors might be mindless sheeple who can't think for themselves? Goody: Then they started talking strangely. Everything was "Groovy". And it gets worse! They all stopped working, and developed bad habits almost instantly! Now they're all as worthless as a bunch of lame oxen! Adrian: Sounds like it's butchering time. Goody: You seem like a sensible lass. You should go to Ben's house and try to talk him out of this foolishness. May you have more luck than I did. Adrian: I'm not a lass. And wouldn't it be a better idea to teach these idiots to actually think instead of just blindly following what Ben tells them?

Adrian: Was this always a health-food store? Goody: Heavens, no! You could get anything you wanted here, from strawberry tea cakes, to airy cream puffs, to chocolate bonbons! Adrian: Anything except healthy food, apparently. realizes he's drooling, wipes his mouth Goody: When the town went mad, they stopped eating sugar! All they wanted was tofu and brown rice! They BURNED my bonbon recipe! Adrian: Yeah, totally sounds like the "let it be" attitude of the hippie movement. These are clearly not normal hippies. They're poorly-written strawman hippies created with the express purpose of initiating a tedious fetch quest! Goody: They even made me change the name of my store from "Goody's Delectable Delights" to "Ye Olde Sprouts and Rice". HMMPH! Adrian: Both of those names sound pretty anachronistic, if you ask me. Goody: I can't even get chocolate anymore. Oh, how I miss the smell of baking chocolate! Adrian: By "baking chocolate", do you mean chocolate made for baking or chocolate that's being baked?

Narrator: A swarm of pesky flies are buzzing around Goody's shop. Adrian: Shouldn't that be "A swarm of pesky flies IS buzzing around Goody's shop"? And isn't "pesky flies" redundant?

Adrian: Did you say you were a gamer? Roland: Indeed I am, lass! My name's Roland Bettmuch, and games are my life. Interested in a game of chance, or a game of skill? Poker, perhaps? Adrian: You do know that poker won't be invented until 1829, right? And I'm not a lass. Roland: Oh, drat. Those uncool Pughs took my deck of cards. Darts? No, they took those too. Let's see, what do I have… Jacks? No. Chess? No. Checkers? No. Horsehoes? No… Hey, I know, do you have a horse? Adrian: No, but-- Roland: Total bummer! My aura is turning dark! Adrian (thinking): ♪ Without your light, and I will sing no requiem tonight. ♪ Roland: Oh, wait, I know. We'll play marbles. I've got them right here… Adrian: This had better not be going where I think it's going. Roland: AAAAAH! I'VE… Adrian: Finish that sentence, and you'll regret it. Roland: If you find them, let me know, okay? Later, Cosmic Cat.

Adrian: Here are your stupid marbles. That will be one shilling, please. Roland: Ha ha ha! You are a little sharpie, aren't you, kid! Tell you what. You give me the marbles, and I'll teach you to gamble with the best of 'em. Adrian: No. No money, no marbles. Roland: MONEY?!? But kid, where's the sport in that? Where's the action? Where's the thrill of the Game? Don't you have the Game in your heart? Adrian: Yes. My games are Magic: The Gathering and Super Smash Bros. I need a shilling to get back to a time when those games exist. Now hand it over. Roland: Oh, all right. Here's a shilling. It's all I have, you little robber. Adrian: Thanks. Roland: Oh, go fly a kite. flicks a shilling to Adrian, who catches it Adrian: Way to get crap past the radar! I hate to say it, but thumbs up.

Adrian (thinking): Wow, and I thought that baker lady was fat. Lee: Yes? (Chomp munch) What can I do for you, lass? (Belch!) Would you perhaps like to groove on a nice leg of lamb? (Urp) Adrian: No, thanks. I'm not really hungry, and I'm not a lass. What I'd-- Lee: WHAT?!? Not HUNGRY? (Whuff!) Good grief, girl, how can you not be HUNGRY? I'm hungry all the time. Adrian: Like I said, I'm not a girl, and I'm too sad to eat. My ferret has been kidnapped. Lee: Hmmph! I never understood the point of having a pet. They just eat all your food, and they never bring you more. (Ack) But I suppose you are upset. Poor lass. Adrian: For the third time, I'm a guy. And you could help me by answering a few questions… Lee: Oh, certainly! (Belch!) By the way, my name is General Lee Stuffed, retired from His Majesty's Royal Army. So what do you want to know about, lass? Adrian (to himself): One. As I believe I've told this idiot three times now, I'm not a lass. Two. It's the British Army, not the Royal Army. Three. It's good to know that unbelievably stupid names aren't reserved for women in this town.

Adrian: My ferret was stolen by the Pughs! Penny: I'm telling you, girl, a person has to protect his or her property. I suggest you get a cannon for home protection. Adrian: Guns are for idiots who are too stupid and lazy to learn to use real weapons or martial arts. Besides, I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want my ferret back and to go back to my own time. And I'm a boy, not a girl. Penny: Oh, you can forget that. Those Pughs never let go of an animal, once they have it. Totally bad karma, little dudette. Adrian: If you're going to get my gender wrong, you can at least learn the correct vocabulary. The feminine form of dude is "dudine", not "dudette".

Adrian: My ferret was just snatched right out from under my nose. I don't know what to do. Are there any cops in this town? Penny: Cops? I don't follow your groove, kid. What's that mean? Adrian: Oh, you know, people who are nominally intended to make sure people aren't breaking the law, but are in fact more invested in upholding the status quo. Penny: Oh, THOSE cats! Well, there are those awful redcoat sentries all over the place--have you ever noticed how they all look alike? Adrian: Well, that is kind of the purpose of uniforms, hence the name. Penny: Anyway, General Pugh owns those dudes. They're useless. Adrian (sarcastically): A general commanding soldiers? What a twist. Penny: So is the Watchman, for that matter. The Pughs bribed him as soon as they got to the colonies, and he does anything they want. Adrian: Does the Watchman have a name, or is he just "the Watchman"? At any rate, I kicked his ass once, and I can probably do it again if needed. Narrator: NOTE--The Watchman will not be seen again for the rest of this game, so it will not be needed.

Adrian: Can you tell me anything about yourself? Penny: Well, as long as you're not trying to sell me anything, I guess I can. My husband's name is Eggbert. We own this carpentry shop. Adrian: Eggbert Pyncher? It's a terrible name, but at least it's not a pun. Penny: We used to spend our money on all kinds of foolish things, like food and clothes and things. Now I've discovered the virtues of saving! Adrian (thinking): Lesson learned. Thrift will turn you into a timophiliac straw miser. Penny: I can make a week's worth of soup out of one cabbage! I save every penny, every single one! Adrian (sarcastically): And I'm sure what you do with those pennies is totally family-friendly. Penny: Ben Franklin says it's okay, so it's okay! Adrian: Isn't Ben Franklin the one who said "A penny saved is a penny earned"? Of course, Adrian M. Bernhardt is the one who added "…but you can't buy jack shit with a penny" to that particular pearl of wisdom.

Narrator: The brass plaque by the collar says: "My beloved Fluffum Foo, All I did was shampoo you. Shave your paws, Pierce your nose. Put rings upon your little toes, So why oh why did you run away, And jump into the sea that day?" Terra may only have a tiny little ferret brain, but even she knows that Pennsylvania is landlocked, so she wonders how Fluffum Foo jumped into the sea that day.

Adrian: Can I see your husband? Deborah: No. Adrian: But I really need to see him. Deborah: No. Adrian: But, you don't understand. I'm trapped in 1764, and my ferret's been kidnapped by the Pughs! Somehow, I know that I need Mr. Franklin's help to rescue her and get back to my own time. Deborah: Lass, I'm truly sorry about your "ferret", whatever that is, and there WAS a time when Ben could have helped you, but not now. He can't even help himself. He's gone 'round the bend, filling the colonists' head with all sorts of silly mush. I'm allowing him no visitors. If I let you in to see him, he'd just be a bad influence on you, too. Adrian: As I believe I've told everyone in this fucking colony by now, I'm not a lass. And since I'm not a dumbass like the rest of the colonists, I could be a good influence on Ben. But you'll never know unless you let. Me. In. Deborah: If you could help Ben, get him interested in his experiments, perhaps I'd let you in. I'm sorry, but you have to leave now. Goodbye. Adrian: How the fuck am I supposed to help Ben if I'm not even allowed to see him? Deborah: That's your problem. slams the door in Adrian's face

Adrian: Please, Mrs. Franklin, if you'll just let me-- Deborah: ABSOLUTELY NOT! slams the door in Adrian's face Adrian (thinking): Are all women named Deborah such bitches? Because she reminds me of a slightly less evil version of my mother. Come to think of it, she looks sort of like that Poor Richard guy, but not quite as ugly. Hmm…

Narrator: TRUE. Ben loved sunlight and fresh air, and would never live anywhere that he couldn't have a window. Many people in the 18th century felt that outside air, particularly night air was bad for you and caused illness. Ben didn't believe that. Sometimes he took what he called "air baths", where he would lie outside in the shade naked. Adrian: Hey, my girlfriend Karin does that… except that she's not naked… and she does it at night… and she calls it "moonbathing". So, I guess it's completely different, then. Narrator: Shame that she's not naked, eh? Wait, is she hot? Adrian: Frankly, it's none of your business whether or not my girlfriend is hot. I love her, she loves me for some reason, and that's all that matters. She's one of the three reasons I want to get back to the present so badly. Narrator: What are the other two, if you don't mind my asking? Adrian: My sister Kiera and my car Alcyone. Narrator: You have a sister? Is SHE hot? Adrian: …She's FIFTEEN. If I could find you, I would punch you in the face right now.

Narrator: For the answers to the following questions, look in your documentation on page 19. Adrian: Ah, copy protection. My old arch-enemy. Narrator: I thought I was your arch-enemy? Adrian: I have a life outside of you, unnamed narrator.

Adrian: Thanks again for dinner. Young Ben: I'm glad you enjoyed the mush, my friend. Mother would have made roast beef if she had been expecting you. Adrian: Pro tip…to make it seem more appetizing, call it "oatmeal" or "porridge" instead of "mush". Young Ben: 'Pro tip'? You say things strangely, friend. But speaking of sweating, I'd better start making candles. The Night Watch put in a huge order this morning, and they'll be expecting them tonight. Ugh, the smell! I HATE candlemaking! Adrian: Night Watch? Sounds pretty cool, kind of like something out of a fantasy novel. Young Ben: The Watch will pick them up here. I'll just light the fires, get out the wicks, and then-- OH, NO! Adrian: What? Young Ben: Shh! I forgot to buy wicks in town today! My father'll skin my hide if he finds out! I'll just sneak back out for a few minutes, and-- Adrian (thinking): …'Skin my hide'? Paging the Department of Redundancy Department. Josiah: Benjamin? Young Ben: (Yikes!) Y-Y-Yes, father? Josiah: You did buy wicks when you were in town, didn't you? Young Ben: Uh, well, I… Josiah: Benjamin Franklin, if you forgot again, so help me, I'll switch you 'til you can't sit down for a fortnight! Adrian (thinking): Wow, that's pretty damn harsh. And I thought my parents were bad! Young Ben: Uh, just a moment, father, I'm looking for them… Friend, I don't suppose you have any wick, do you? I'll be eternally grateful if you can help me! Adrian (thinking): Yeah, right. 'Eternally grateful'… and I'm a sea monkey. But yet, I can't help feeling an urge to help him out. After all, his dad makes my mom look like… Karin.

Adrian: Some people might say Ben Franklin is the cause of all this, but I'd say that it's more the fact that the other colonists are spineless idiots who can't even use the chamber pot without Ben showing them how to do it. That being said, was his change gradual or sudden? Poor Richard: Oh, it was sudden! The old gent fell over, and when he got up he had all these wild ideas in his head! Uh, or so his wife tells me. He's my--my oldest friend. His plight grieves me more than I can say, as does the fact that I have to speak against him publicly.

Adrian: Is there any way you could let me have that key? I need it to rescue my ferret and get out of this crappy-ass time period. Poor Richard: I will give thee the key, if thou will help me distribute these proverbs. I fear the time is growing short. Adrian: Proverbs? You mean "clichés", right? Poor Richard: A proverb is a saying that points out the error of a person's ways. I hope they'll cure my fellow colonists of their follies. Will'st thou help me? Adrian: I have a better idea. You give me the key, and I don't snap your neck like a toothpick. Poor Richard: Such is my offer, lass. Adrian: For the millionth time, I am not a lass. And there is no way in fucking hell that I'm brainwashing these idiots with your stupid "proverbs". They're already brainless enough, thank you. Poor Richard: Read each proverb, and judge which colonist could learn the most from it. Adrian: No. You see, according to string theory, time is composed of fixed points, so altering history would only create a secondary timeline where America is still part of the United Kingdom, and my timeline would remain unaffected. I have no interest in how this particular timeline turns out, so I have no investment in forcibly "improving" the colonists. I just want to save my ferret and go home, and I need that key to do so. Poor Richard: But thou must! Adrian: Fine, fine, I'll do it.

Adrian: Here. It's a proverb. I'd suggest giving it away. That's what I did. snickers Quibble: A present? For me? Oh, how sweet! Let's see what it says. "Quarrels never could last long, if on one side only lay the wrong." What's THAT supposed to mean? Is it supposed to mean that Vicar (sic) and I are BOTH wrong?!? Well, that's ridiculous! That's stupid! That's…that's true. Oh, dear! (Sob!) Oh, Victor, how could I have been so mean to you? Victor: Oh, cookie ears, I'm SO ashamed! I behaved like a beast! (Sniff!) Quibble: Victor-poo! Victor and Quibble embrace Victor: Quibby-wips! Quibble: I'm sorry, sweetums! I wuv you! Victor: No, I'M sorry, sugar-toes! I wuv you, too! Adrian: Glad that Karin and I are never like that in public. retches

Adrian: I finished passing out the proverbs. Now key me. Poor Richard: Did thee, lass, truly! Tell me, did they work as I hoped? Adrian: Yes. Frankly, it was wicked scary how quickly the people realized their faults after reading them. It's like the "proverbs" were actually some sort of mind-altering charms or something. Poor Richard: The news gladdens my heart! Here, I have finished with the next three. I pray they are as successful as the first trio! Adrian: Seriously? More proverbs? Oh, well. Might as well brainwash some more colonists. But while I'm here, could I ask you a few questions, Deborah? Poor Richard: Deborah? Who is Deborah Franklin? My name is Poor Richard, and I have never heard of this Deborah Franklin woman! Adrian: Suuure…

Adrian: Have you heard anything about my ferret? Poor Richard: I've heard nothing, but if I were thee, I would try to save him. Terrible things happen to the cats Ima casts her beady eyes upon! Adrian: Um… SHE'S a ferret, not a cat. Poor Richard: Anything that is not a dog is a cat to me.

Adrian: Have you heard anything about the Pughs? Poor Richard: Lass, it is the Pughs that I fear will end my proverb-carving endeavors, once and for all! Adrian (thinking): And good riddance, if you ask me. Poor Richard: I'll not waste my time talking about them. Adrian: And yet, you just did.

Narrator: This proverb says: "Early to Bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise." In other words: "You'll do well if you work hard and don't party too much!" Adrian: Counterpoint: "Early to Rise and early to bed, makes a man healthy, but socially dead." In other words: "Working hard is fine, but if you don't make time for fun, your life will be dull and empty." Narrator: …Good point.

Throckmorton: Hey, little dudette! You wanna play? Adrian: Thanks, but no thanks. I need to find my ferret. You haven't seen her, have you? Throckmorton: No, I haven't seen her. Don't worry so much, little sister. Maybe your ferret will find peace, love, and happiness with the Pughs. Adrian: That's what I'm afraid of.

Throckmorton: Wow, that was heavy! Do you think she means us, Marty? I mean, we don't usually go down 'til the sun comes up! Marty: I totally think so, brother. I feel way stupid. Throckmorton: You're right, brother. We have been a couple of silly dudes. I think we should get back to our studies, you dig? Marty: I hear you, dudette. We've wasted too much time already. We thank you from the bottom of our hearts, little lady. You've shown us the error of our ways. Adrian: …I'm not a "dudette" or a "lady". As I believe I've told everyone in this town at least once, I'm a guy. Marty: (Sigh.) I just wish I knew what to do about the Pughs. I wish Ben would TELL us what to do next! Adrian: Showing that you have officially learned absolutely nothing. Marty: Ah, well. Let's go, brother! The world of medicine awaits us!

Narrator: This proverb says: "Beware the Gossip who speaks ill of thy neighbors. With thy neighbors she likely speaks ill of thee." In other words: "If somebody tells you gossip about someone else, you can BET they're spreading gossip about you, too!" Adrian: Why does only the proverb about gossip use "she", anyway? Sexist, much? Narrator: What did you expect? It's 1764. Adrian: …Good point.

Adrian: Here. You're next on the brainwashing list. Tattle: Oh, boy, what is it? Somebody's mail? Papers from somebody's garbage pail? Let me see! Beware the Gossip who speaks ill of they (sic) neighbors. With thy neighbors she likely speaks ill of thee." Oh, what is this? I'M not a gossip! You can't possibly mean ME! Adrian: Technically, I don't mean anyone. The village idiot is forcing me to hand these out in exchange for a key. Tattle: I never talk about anyone! It's not MY fault that my neighbors are all weird! Adrian: Hey, I'm not arguing with you there. If I spend one more second with those people, I'll go insane, which is why I need to get back to my own time. Tattle: Did I tell Nellie to be a grouch? NO! Did I make Penny be such a miser she won't even buy food for her husband? NO! Adrian: Why can't her husband buy food for himself, anyway? Tattle: Did I--Oh, dear… I…I guess I might be a gossip, after all. Oh, I'm so confused! Excuse me, little girl. I want to think about this. Adrian: You know I'm not a girl, right?

Adrian: throws a proverb through Nellie's window Heads up, bitch. Nellie: So what is THIS? One of Poor Richard's stupid proverbs? No thank you, young lady! In fact, you just tell Poor Richard to come stand under my window! I feel like bouncing potatoes off of somebody's head today! Heh heh heh! Adrian (thinking): I hate to admit it, but I'm starting to like this lady.

Narrator: This proverb says: "Wealth is not his who has it, but his who enjoys it." In other words: "Don't waste your money, but DO have fun with it! Don't be cheap!" Adrian: Wow, one of these that I actually completely agree with! Money wants to be spent, after all.

Adrian: Here. You might be interested in this. Penny: What is it? Gold? Silver? Oboy, Oboy! --Shoot, it's just a proverb! Oh, I guess I'll read it. Here goes: "Wealth is not his who has it, but his who enjoys it." Now what's THAT supposed to mean? You can't mean ME. I enjoy my money. Adrian: Yes. I've noticed, and frankly, it's disturbing just how much you "enjoy" said money. Penny: I'm not a miser! I'm not a skinflint! I'm-- Oh, who am I trying to kid? Moths fly out of my purse every time I open it! (Boo hoo!) I'm a cranky old miser! Well, I'm gonna change my ways! What will I do first? Maybe I'll go shopping! Yeah, groovy! I just wish I knew what to do about the Pughs. If only Ben would give me some advice! Adrian: Wasn't Ben the one who told you to save your money? Penny: Oh, well. I'll see you later, little girl. I'm going out on the town! Adrian: …Is it really that hard to tell?

Adrian: This had better be the last batch of proverbs. Poor Richard: What?!? Oh, tis (sic) thee, lass! Adrian: Just give me the proverbs so that I can brainwash the rest of the colonists. Or you could hand over the key right now and save us both a lot of trouble. Poor Richard: I'm nervous because the Redcoats have been watching me, that's all. Here, take the last two proverbs. Off with you, before they arrest you as well! Adrian: And then I get the key, right? Poor Richard: Lass, thou art kind as well as brave, but I must stay and close up my stand. But fear not, for I am quick and quiet as a shadow! They'll never catch me. Adrian: Oh, really. You didn't look so shadowy with your head stuck in the town stocks. And I'm not a lass. Do I have to strip naked to prove it or something? Poor Richard: Ha, ha! Well, I've learned from my mistakes, thou sharp-tongued rascal, so off with thee! Adrian: How come no one else in this town talks like you, anyway? And why don't you stand under Nellie's window for a while? I'm sure she'd enjoy it.

Narrator: This proverb says: "Tart words make no Friends: A spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a Gallon of Vinegar." In other words: "Don't say mean things to people. They'll like you better if you're nice." Adrian: Who the fuck wants flies? Besides, you'll catch even more flies with a Lump of Manure, but you won't hear any proverbs about that.

Adrian: throws a proverb through Nellie's window Here you go. Nellie: What is it, what is it? Oh, it's just some stupid wooden carving. Let's see what it says… "Tart words make no Friends: A spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a Gallon of Vinegar." Oh, dear. I suppose this means me. It must! Oh, no, how could I have been so mean to everybody? I'm sorry, little girl… Adrian: Boy. Nellie: Sorry, little boy. I've been just awful to you. Adrian: I'm eighteen. Nellie: What? Adrian: I'm eighteen. I'm not "little". Nellie: Well, I can't just call you "boy". Adrian: Well, you could say "Adrian". Nellie: I didn't know you were called Adrian. Adrian: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you? Nellie: Excuse me, I think I need to go inside and figure out how to apologize to everybody. Oh, if only Ben could give me some advice! Adrian: You want some advice? Try thinking for yourself for once. Nellie: Ah, well. I'll see you later!

Adrian (thinking): Oh, no! Someone trashed Poor Richard's stand before I got a chance to! Come to think of it, where is the little prick, anyway? And, more importantly, who cares?

Narrator: That's a good idea, but there isn't enough water in the bucket to fill the jar. Why don't you look for water somewhere else? Adrian: …So, there's too much water to carry, but not enough to fill one jar? Guess it's kind of like the aquarium in Zork Zero. Narrator: Huh? Adrian: If you ever get a chance to play Zork Zero, go to the Parlor in Flatheadia, save your game, and type "take aquarium", then "enter aquarium". Then restore your saved game and enter those two commands in reverse.

Adrian: What are you working on, Sally? Sally: Oh, 'tis nothing. Just a sampler. Adrian: A sampler? Sally: Tis (sic) a bit of cloth, embroidered with a saying. This one says "Honor thy Father and Mother". (Sigh) Believe me, I'm trying. Adrian: Hey, at least you don't have my parents… or your grandfather, for that matter.

Narrator: Adrian only likes cabbages when they're made into kimchi. There's NO WAY he's going to take one. Adrian: Well, at least they aren't radishes.

Narrator: It would be rude of Adrian to go back into the Franklins' private rooms. Adrian: So? In case you haven't noticed by now, I'm not exactly a polite person. Narrator: All right. We were just too cheap and lazy to make a set for the private rooms, and there's nothing in there that you need, anyway. Are you satisfied now? Adrian: Yes, very.

Adrian tries to use a tomato on himself to fake an injury Narrator: Adrian doesn't want to get tomato juice on his favorite hoodie. Adrian: Good point. I guess they had to get me into those stupid colonial clothes somehow. All right, but I'm changing back as soon as I'm done with this mission. Narrator: Deal.

Adrian: returns the colonial clothes to the clothesline where he found them, albeit with a tomato-juice stain on the shirt, then changes back into his hoodie, jeans, and headband

Ben: Okay, child, let me clue you in on what's gonna happen! With this experiment, we're going to prove that lightning is actually MADE of electricity! That cosmic lightning is gonna be drawn to this kite--because lightning can't resist anything that flies around next to it, you dig? Adrian: "Cosmic lightning"? Sounds like a good name for a rock band. Ben: Besides, lightning loves silk. Fabric of the gods, remember? Once the lightning gets close to the kite, the electricity will groove its way down the string, and hit this key, you dig? Then we put the key on the bottle, and we have a jar full of lightning! Totally groovy, huh? Adrian: I have to admit, that's actually… pretty cool. It's literally catching lightning in a bottle. Ben: Of course, if lightning STRIKES the kite, things will get a little hotter! In fact, we may end up looking like baked yams! Here it comes… Yahoo! Adrian: …"Yahoo"?

Adrian and Ben are surveying the lightning-struck remains of Ben's hot tub Adrian: What a mess. Ben: Ah, well. 'Twas a noble experiment, anyhow. Good gracious! Is that the "hot tub" I've been spending all my time in? Adrian: Yes… or, at least, it was. Kind of a shame, really - it was a pretty cool hot tub. Ben: Aye, 'tis nothing but a mess now. Help yourself to anything you may find in the wreckage, lad. Deborah will have my head if I don't clean this up soon. Adrian: Thanks. I hate to say it, but you look… better. Ben: Better? I suppose so…At least I'm no longer wearing those ridiculous clothes. Adrian: I wouldn't say "ridiculous". If nothing else, it looked pretty comfy to me. Yellow isn't my color, so I wouldn't wear that exact garment, but if something similar were available in a dark and/or cool color, I'd wear that. Maybe not in public, though… Ben: Oh, I can't wait to show my darling Deborah that I've regained my senses! Excuse me, boy. Adrian: You know I have a name, right? It's Adrian. Adrian Bernhardt. Oh, well. At least someone actually recognizes that I'm a guy. Ben: Deborah! Oh, Mrs. Franklin! Adrian: …You call your wife Mrs. Franklin?

Adrian: I'm here to get you out of here, if only so that Ben will stop moping and help me rescue my ferret. Poor Richard: Get me out of here! Hmmph! And how do you propose to do THAT? Those guards may be idiots, but they're not fool enough to let me out! I'm going to rot in here, and I hope the man who's responsible--that pig-headed Ben Franklin--rots somewhere else for all eternity. Adrian: You mean hell? Poor Richard: He's lost his mind, girl, and he's taking the whole of the British colonies with him! Adrian: I'm a boy, as I've told you more times than I can remember. At least you're talking like a normal person now… Poor Richard: My mother always warned me about him, but did I believe her? Oh, no! Of course not! BAH! Lazy, good for nothing…! Sitting around in that hot tub all day…! Never a thought about what he's doing to fair Philadelphia…! Never a thought about what he's doing to ME! HMMPH!!!

Adrian: I've uncovered your secret, and am, frankly, surprised that I'm apparently the only one. You're really Deborah Franklin in disguise! Wait… you have a daughter, which means that you've had sex. And since you're also Poor Richard, I guess that makes me Matthias Corvinus, King of Hungary and Croatia. Deborah: Oh, so you know who I am, do you? And what of it? Those fools out there will find out soon enough as well, and wait till you see the headlines! "Wife of Famous Inventor Arrested while Dressed as a Man!" The British will get a fine hoot out of that, and then they'll stretch my neck, just the same! Adrian: But…we can escape now! All you have to do is-- Deborah: What would be the point? To go back to my worthless husband? I'd sooner hang than see that pitiful excuse for a man again. Wretched beast! Rotten old ninnyhammer! Addle-pated fatwit! Mangy old goose! Pathetic waterlogged warthog! Adrian (thinking): What does Ben see in this bitch, anyway? If I were married to her, I'd want to spend as much time away from her and her nagging as possible! He must have jumped at the opportunity to become ambassador to France.

Ben: Come in, lad. I've been trying to write a new pamphlet. I must help the people get back to the good old colonial ethics of hard work and diligence! But don't worry your head about that. What are we going to do about that ferret of yours, lad? Adrian: Terra is probably in Penn Mansion. Can't we just go ask for her? You're a pretty important guy in Philadelphia, right? Ben: Well, I suppose so, but that wouldn't help us anyway. I have never had any influence with General Pugh. I never liked the fellow, nor he I. Adrian: Then I guess we'll have to break in. Ben: Ha ha! I appreciate your enthusiasm, lad, but we'd need an army to take Penn Mansion. It has more guards around it than Ima has dresses in her closet! Adrian: How many guards? Ben: Six, lad. Adrian: Quite a lot of guards, then. Still, I bet I could slip past them--if only I could get across the river. Ben: I think we can take care of the river. I know we can get you in--it's getting you out I'm worried about. If only we had someone to back us up… Adrian: Ceiling H. Cat. I sense another fucking fetch quest coming up. Ben: (Sigh.) I am quite sympathetic to your plight, lad, but I don't think the colonists are likely to take on armed redcoats for the sake of a ferret. If only there were another reason for them to gather at Penn Mansion… well, if you think of anything, let me know. I'm going to work on this pamphlet.

Adrian: Here. Take this. Quibble: Oh, all right. Let's see it. Come on, Vicar (sic), look at this with me. Then maybe she'll leave BOTH of us alone! Victor: Whatever you want, my little squirrel-lips! Quibble: Okay, let's see… WHAT?!? The Pughs have been LYING to us? How COULD they! Oh, and Ben's changed his mind about the New Ways! Y'know, they did seem kind of silly…but those rotten PUGHS! How COULD they! GRRRR! Oh, Vicar (sic), how could we have been so silly? We have shirked our duties to this colony! Victor: Indeed, my love. We must fly to Ben's side, and join him in protest! Little girl, you've done us a great service, and we thank you most sincerely! Quibble: Tell me, girl, what is your name? I want to tell my own daughter all about you, when I have one! Adrian: First of all, I'm a boy. Second of all, my name is, uh, Richard Garriott. Victor: We'll always remember you, Richard! We'll see you at the protest! Quibble: Yes, farewell, Richard!

Adrian: Has anyone ever told you that your head looks like a balloon on a stick? Goody: Lass, is this from Ben? Oh, it IS! Let's see… WHAT?!? Those horrible, terrible, sneaky PUGHS!!! Ooh, what FIENDS! I'm GOING to that meeting. We'll just GET those Pughs, that's what! Adrian: Wow, do you think you used enough capslock in that sentence? Goody: …Do you suppose I should bring my big, heavy ladle? Heh heh heh… Adrian: Well, I know it's tempting, but we don't want to resort to violence. Not right away, anyhow. cracks knuckles Goody: Oh, all right. I'd best close up the shop and get ready. Just come by if there's anything you need…Oh, by the way, lass, what's your name? Adrian: I'm not a lass, and my name is, um, Adam. Adam Lovelace. Goody: Well, I thank you, Adam Lovelace! I'll see you at the rally, if not before. Excuse me!

Adrian: Here you go, Tattle. Unfortunately, it's not an application for a name change. Tattle: Well, the last thing you gave me was pretty special! Let's see what you have for me now! Mm hmm… Mm hmm… Oh, dear! WHAT?!? You don't say. …Oh, MY! OH, DEAR!! Imagine that! Ben Franklin really WAS sick! Oh, I can't BELIEVE those awful Pughs! Tell you what, little girl, I'm going to that rally! Adrian: Zip-a-dee-freakin'-doo-dah. Tattle: I owe a lot to you, lassie. You showed me the error of my ways. Thank you--Oh, my! I don't know your name! Adrian: Considering that you don't even know that I'm a boy, I'm not surprised. My name is, um, Nikola. Nikola Tesla. Tattle: Well, it was a pleasure to meet you, Nick. See you at the rally!

Adrian: Here, catch. makes a pamphlet into a paper airplane and throws it through the window Nellie: Whee! That was fun! All right, let's see what we have here. Uh-huh… sure… What?!? WHAT?!? WHAT?!?! NO WAY!!! It's INFURIATING! To think, the Pughs have been taking advantage of us all this time! Well, I'll just go to that rally and give those Pughs what for! Thank you, Adrian!

Adrian: What's up? Roland: Huh? Oh, nothing much, Cosmic Cat. It feels good to be virtuous. I just wish I knew what else I should be doing. I'm bored, you know? Adrian: Well, this might interest you. Roland: Cool! Sock it to me! 'Kay, let's see… WHOA! HOLD THE CARRIAGE! Is this TRUE? And I thought I was a dishonest, sneaky street weasel! Adrian: Don't insult weasels like that. Roland: Those rotten Pughs! They were taking money from everybody before I had the chance to! We'll put a stop to that! I'm goin' to the rally! Hey, Cosmic, you never did tell me your name. Lay it on me, so I know who to thank! Adrian: It's…Gary. Gary Gygax. Roland: Well thanks a million, Gary! I'll see you at the rally! Adrian: Bye.

Adrian: Here. It's from Benjamin Franklin. Lee: For me, hmm? Oh, bully! Let's see. I just hope it doesn't have anything to do with tie-dye. Oh, my! Oh, MY! WHAT?!? I can't believe it! I just can't! Oh, it's wonderful to know that Ben is back to his old self! And as for those Pughs…If only I still had my cannon! I'm going to that rally, young lady! Thank you! Adrian: Is that "cannon" as a singular or a plural? Lee: Well, I'll be off then, young--oh, what IS your name, girl? Adrian: I'm a boy, and my name is, um, Douglas. Douglas Adams. Lee: It's been a pleasure, Douglas, lad. I'll see you at the rally! GET THE PUGHS! TALLY HO! YOIKS AND AWAY! Adrian (thinking): I just hope he can fit through the pub door.

Adrian: Here. Penny: Ooh, what is it, what is it? Oboy, a Special Edition from Ben! Let's see… EEK! I… I can't believe it! Those--those PUGHS! How COULD they! OOOH! Just wait until I get my hands on that rotten General! I'll take that Bavarian lace shirt Nellie made for him last week and STRANGLE him with it! Or maybe I'll just bring him back to the shop and saw him in half! Yeah, that's the ticket! Adrian: Your penchant for gratuitous violence is disturbing, and that's coming from me. Why not just go to the freakin' rally, like everyone else? Penny: Okay, I'll look for you there! I'll just go change out of these ridiculous clothes, then I'll go to the meeting. See you later-- say, what IS your name, child? I'd like to properly thank you. Adrian: It's, er, ah, it's Shigesato. Shigesato Itoi. Penny: What an exotic name! Thank you, Shigesato. I'll see you later!

Adrian: Here. It's a flyer from Ben. Billy: Ben, huh, little dudette? Let's see what he has to say… Yeah… Uh-huh… Yeah… Uh-huh… HOLD ON A MINUTE! Oh, MAN! I can't BELIEVE those… PUGHS! They've been robbing us blind! I'm glad Ben is better, kid, but I'm so angry right now I could spit nails! Hidel: Indeed, nails! Billy: We're going to that rally, lass, and you better believe it! Adrian: Oh, and mail out the rest of these flyers to the sheeple, er, colonists, okay? Billy: You bet! By sundown tonight, everyone in Philadelphia will know what a rat that wretched Pugh is. Come on, Hidel, let's get moving-- Oh! by (sic) the way, what's your name, lass? We really owe you one! Adrian: As I've been trying to tell you, I'm a lad, not a lass. Oh, and my name is, um, Richard. Richard Garfield. Billy: Fare the well, Richard! Godspeed! If you'll excuse me, we must get these flyers into the mail, and prepare for the meeting. Goodbye! Hidel: Right, bye!

Adrian: This is the last one. Finally, I'm done with this fucking fetch quest! Marty: Let's see now… What!?! General Pugh's been swindling us out of our money? The Stamp Act never even PASSED! That total worm-dude! Ben goes on to say that we should all stop dressing, acting and talking like ninnies! Hey, Throckmorton, are we ninnies? Throckmorton: Well… Marty: I fear we are, brother. See here, Ben is organizing a protest against General Pugh! We must show our support! Throckmorton: Yes, let us make haste! Marty: We thank you most sincerely, lass. You have done us an immeasurable favor. Tell, (sic) me, what is your name? I want to remember you always. Adrian: Uh, David. David…Sedaris. And I'm a lad, not a lass. Marty: Well, best of luck to you, David! Throckmorton: Yes, farewell, David-dude!

Adrian: Now that the warp in the spacetime continuum is fixed, I should be heading home soon. Terra: (ferret noises) Adrian and Terra begin to warp back to the present Ben: Lad? LAD?!? Adrian: Goodbye and good riddance to all of you. I'll remember you in therapy. Marty: Goodbye, David! Quibble: Goodbye, Richard! Nellie: Goodbye, Adrian! Tattle: Goodbye, Nikola! Lee: Goodbye, Douglas… Adrian and Terra return to their own time, but can never scrub their minds clean

#long post #really long post #don't click the keep reading unless you have time to spare #pepper's adventures in time #my ocs #adrian bernhardt #mst #sort of

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