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#hate having to be stuck inside
coneygoil · 9 months
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It’s mornings like this when the humidity is low and temperature is perfect that it feels like life isn’t fair because you have to be stuck in a building until lunch 😩
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lovesickeros · 9 months
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☆ even the gods bleed [ pt 2 ]
{☆} characters furina, neuvillette {☆} notes cult au, imposter au, multi-chapter, gender neutral reader {☆} warnings none {☆} word count 1.9k {☆} previous [ 1 ]
This had to be a punishment of some sort – some kind of divine punishment.
She was bored out of her mind just watching the sleeping body – she hadn't blinked once in the past five hours, her eyes were really starting to hurt. Yet they still hadn't moved so much as an inch since she sequestered them away to the only place she had known to be safe.
But it'd been almost a week since then.
The only solace she found was that Teyvat had seemed much less hellbent on collapsing in on itself like a dying star.
That counted for something.
Not much, but something!
..Even if their position was no better then it was a week ago.
There was, after all, still the issue of what to do about the false Creator – the actual imposter – and the Archons following them like blind lambs. The other Archons wouldn't listen if she tried to reason with them, and it would only risk the life of Divine One if she spoke of their location to anyone else.
She also was pretty fond of having her head still attached to her shoulders.
So she avoided them all together. Partially because she wasn't sure she wouldn't have a breakdown at the sight of them..she'd never been a fighter, and fighting an Archon? Easy pass.
Instead she was forced to babysit the sleeping Divine until they woke up while Neuvillette handled taking care of the nation and dealing with the other Archons – and by extension the false Creator.
Really though, she would almost think them dead if not for the subtle rise and fall of their chest.
Though..this also left her with a lot of time to herself. A lot of time to think.
She really didn't like it.
There wasn't a lot to occupy her mind and what little there was only distracted her for a scant few moments before her eyes drifted back to the Divine like she was locked in their orbit, unable to escape.
She closed the same book for the twelfth time – she kept count – and returned it to it's meticulously designed place within her bookcase. A low, barely audible huff of frustration escaped her lips before she could bite it down, her stare boring a hole into the body of the Divine One with a sharp intensity she rarely showed.
She was tired, bored and constantly on edge, fearing that at any moment someone would find out about their presence here.
That, at the drop of a hat, she would be powerless to stop the greatest tragedy of her time play out before her eyes.
Neuvillette would have scolded her for being so petulant, especially around the Divine One, if he were here.
But he wasn't.
He was out running her nation, instead.
And what was she doing? Nothing!
She grit her teeth, nails digging harshly into the palm of her hands as she took a deep breath – now was not the time to think about that. She had..much more pressing matters. Sulking and letting her thoughts spiral helped no one, least of all herself.
Yet her attention was caught by a harsh inhale, the rustle of fabric – were they finally waking up? She was exhausted, but it all vanished at the sudden drop of life within the otherwise deathly still body of the Divine.
Her eyes followed the subtle twitch of their fingers, watching as their brow furrowed and their features twisted in something almost like..pain.
..She wasn't ready.
What was she supposed to say?
Should she even say anything? Would that be considered impolite? Does she wait for them to speak first? Should she kneel? Bow?
She doesn't get much time to find her own answer before their lashes flutter, chest heaving with every strangled breath. Every single thought vanishes from her mind the moment she meets their eyes.
For a long, silent moment she thinks that her heart must have stopped.
Their eyes glow like the cresting of the sun over the horizon, painting the world in hues of gold – yet it also reminded her of the dipping of the moon below the waves, casting the briefest, most gentle of lights upon the world engulfed in darkness. In the depths of their eyes was the birth and death of stars in the infinite cosmos – glittering stars in a sea of empty, blank space that left her feeling lightheaded and breathless.
Beneath the splendor is a spark of recognition in their eyes so vibrant it was like a shooting star piercing through the dark night sky, leaving nothing but the wonder in the eyes of the observer as the only proof it ever existed – brilliant in it's beauty, however brief.
It is the most beautiful thing she has ever seen.
"Focalors?"
The lilt of their voice nearly made her knees buckle beneath her – euphoria so consuming it left her feeling she was starving swallowed her whole, her mind blanking in a moment of utter bliss. It was..an indescribable feeling that she doubted she could ever hope to put into words – not in a way that could properly express it, try as she might.
She swallowed the words that threatened to spill from her lips – she couldn't make a fool of herself. Not in front of them of all people. She'd never forgive herself.
"Divine One," She rasps, clearing her throat and covering her mouth with a hand to mask both her nervousness and the small smile that creeps across her face. She quickly regains her composure, hand resting on her hip as she puffs out her chest with every bit of pride she can manage. "I am sure you must be confused, but worry not– your most loyal acolyte has seen the truth!"
The silence is deafening.
She opens one eye, peaking at the bewildered and almost distraught expression of the Divine.
"What the hell are you talking about?"
That..she was not prepared for. Surely they knew who they were! Surely they knew. They had to– she's been praying to them for as long as she's breathed, she's dedicated every hour of her life to living up to their ideals, they can't just–!
"Lady Furina?"
Neuvillette, thankfully, spares her the embarrassment of having a meltdown in front of the Divine, the gentle rap of his knuckles against the door making her and the Divine pause, the soft lull of his voice soothing her nerves and yet setting her on edge at the same time.
"Neuvillette." She clears her throat again, her steps hurried as she marches to the door and pries it open none too gently, a forced smile pulling at her lips. She wastes no time tugging the man into the room, shutting the door behind him with a short huff. The silence is, somehow, even worse then before as the three of them stare at each other in absolute exasperation.
Neuvillette, for his part, manages to get his act together with a sharp clearing of his throat, bowing so low even she looks unnerved. She steals a brief glance at the Divine, and she's taken aback by the uncomfortability twisting their features into a grimace.
Their expression is schooled back into one of empty apathy when he stands back to his full height, but she saw it – she knows she did! Did they not like their worship? Were they not respectful enough? For a moment, she feared the Divine would smite Neuvillette down on the spot..but they just stared at him like he was a ghost.
"Why aren't you killing me?"
The defeated, resigned tone combined with the way their voice cracks makes her heart ache in her chest – it feels as though her entire world is crumbling down at her feet, and she cannot explain why she feels such emotions so strongly, but it is suffocating. It is almost as if Teyvat itself is weeping, bearing down upon her shoulders like a heavy weight.
She feels the urge to weep herself, but she powers through, gritting her teeth long enough for Neuvillette to take his place at the side of her – though it feels more like their – bed, kneeling like he was going to pray.
"Divine One," He offers a hand with a quiet rumble of his voice, the words slipping off his tongue like honey. It's like trying to soothe a stray cat..though she'd never voice such comparisons of the most Divine out loud. "I..we mean you no harm. I swear on my authority as the Iudex of Fontaine and Chief Justice that you are safe with us."
The skepticism she expected, but the reverence in which Neuvillette must convince them – or perhaps they are simply so tired that they simply did not care any longer if it was all some ploy to drive a knife between their ribs. She didn't expect them to actually place their hand in Neuvillette's.
He didn't either, judging by the way he visibly brightened – not that they'd notice, but she did.
..Not that she could really blame him, her heels clicking against the floorboards as she shifted her weight to the other foot with a nervous energy that was practically bursting at the seams, more then a little jealous of the attention he was receiving. She was the one who found them, she was the one who stayed with them the entire time..but he gets all the attention?
How unfair.
"O-of course! We would never lay a hand on our creator," She adds, her voice a little higher pitched then she would have liked as she placed her hands on her hips, puffing out her chest and brushing off the sting of jealousy. "Least of all I– your most loyal, most devout acolyte!"
She felt baffled when she heard the sound of their laughter, her shoulders hunching and her cheeks flushing on mere instinct – she was expecting mockery, but the look in their eyes, still dulled by a pain she cannot even begin to imagine, made her hesitate.
..It was, perhaps, the most genuine thing she'd heard from them ever since before the hunt began.
She wasn't sure why her heart hurt at such an idea, but it was enthralling to see the beginnings of a half hearted smile on their lips.
For a moment, her mask of theatrics was forgotten as she stared at them in a mixture of awe and adoration– and though she didn't look at Neuvillette, she could imagine he must've shared such an expression.
Had she any doubts that they were her Creator, that they alone were the most Divine..they would wiped clean now. There was no mistaking the way the world itself seemed to grow clearer as they glanced up at her like she was worth something.
For a moment, she realized how cold the false Creators gaze had been now that she has felt warmth so gentle it almost made her knees buckle beneath her. It felt like a pale imitation, now.
Nothing could compare to the warmth that spread through her body at the mere semblance of a smile upon their lips. She didn't even mind if it was her they were laughing at anymore, she just wanted to hear them laugh again.
She'd make a fool of herself, if she had to.
She'd never felt so..ravenous for such a thing, but just the briefest glimpse was addictive.
She simply couldn't help herself from striding across the room and clasping their free hand in her own, her smile wide enough to unnerve as she leaned her weight onto the bed. For a moment, she considered pulling away at the way they startled, but her mind was made up by then – there was no going back.
"Again."
#sagau#genshin sagau#self aware genshin#genshin impact sagau#self aware genshin impact#fic tag#neuvillette#focalors#furina#dont ask what happened here idk#this was. also supposed 2 be neuvi focused and then i.#dont talk 2 me abt focalors i wont ever shut up#got a 300k word essay on hand abt how i feel abt her character/how i interpret her personality and her story#focalors jsut like me fr fr (cries at the slightest inconvenience or the slightest mean comment)#shes so pathetic girlfail im gonna chew on her#what happens when reader gets stuck with two emotionally repressed french bastards?? hell#neuvi is the “emotionless” flavor of emotionally repressed in that hes HORRIBLE at showing emotions at all#ask him to smile and its incredibly unnerving and theres too many teeth but hes trying his best please call him pretty or he will cry :(#furina is the flavor of emotionally repressed where she makes it up by having Too Many emotions#using theatrics and masks to show everyone what they want to see but inside this girl is a MESS#constant anxiety and panic 24/7#will do random shit and look at you and if u dont compliment her she will think u hate her and cry#compliment her and she'll do even stupider shit to try and impress you more#i love my scrunkly little babies they r so stupid and mentally ill someone get these bitches some THERAPY#i want 2 put them under a microscope#watch this be ooc fr furina when more of her lore drops if shes not girlfail im leaving#anyway see u in a week im going on a trip ill get back 2 u in 6-7 business days
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idlenight · 10 months
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opens-up-4-nobody · 5 months
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#sometimes i find the degree to which i cannot concentrate very alarming#like bro i canno read. i have so much to do but i wanna sleep forever#i just have to get up and go somewhere else. normally id go transfer algae or run but im stuck inside and .y fingers r all cold#usually its just in the morning that I get thr high distress so its prob the meds#but yesterday was kinda fucked. ugh.i just need to run around but i cant#i have such a sinister combo of: brain stops me from being able to b productive and if im not productive i am compelled to do horrible#things. mood issues and 0cd is horrible. horrible feedback loop#i just wish i could breathe. itll b fine. eventually itll b summer again and itll b fine#its like someone's squeezing my throat. like im sick but i kno its just that im anxious#i was doing so well the past few days in terms of reading and productivity despite the distress#and im trying to b kind and roll with the punches but its so hard#like i kno i need to relax and not resist bc resistance makes it worse but it's just hard and im worried this is how itll always b#i wish i could go back on lamicta1. i felt way better on low dose of that then i do on low dose of abi1ify. its so hard to stay on this#just bc of how my head works. and like things were complicated with the lamicta1. maybe i wouldnt habe had a reaction if i didnt get a#tatto0 while upping the dose but now im marked as allergic so i prob wont b allowed to try any of thr anti convulsive type antidepressants#ugh. i hate this. its so frustrating#unrelated
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cultivatingyourfuture · 5 months
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im losing my mind waiting for my last class to start and I've just been drawing ev over and over again so. here are the best three i had all shoved over to the side
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mad-hunts · 2 days
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i honestly feel like even going to a rage room wouldn't help barton because, since people would still be watching him in a way (through the cameras and such) he'd feel like he'd have to hold some of his anger back and thus, the whole thing wouldn't feel anywhere near as cathartic to him as it should be. no... barton just needs to be able to go back to his childhood home and smash everything. and i mean, of course it wouldn't solve everything, but in his mind — at least it'd make him feel a little better.
#OF MONSTERS AND MEN: musings.#i woke up today and chose violence y'all. i'm sorry about that JSJSJ#it's just that i really do think that barton has thought about it multiple times because he hates the fact that he quote unquote-#'wasn't good enough to receive his father's love.' but in reality it didn't have anything to do with him and maybe visiting his old house-#would make him realize that in a way because thing's are still exactly the way they were. like it's honestly haunting how untouched-#everything is. and so barton would finally be ablr to venture in places that he was never allowed to as a kid like wesleys bedroom-#for example and he'd be able to see physical evidence of him just being SO cruel somewhere maybe which would absolve him of this feeling-#that HE is to blame for not being 'lovable' to his father. because as long as he holds onto that belief i feel like barton is not going to-#heal from it at all and it just causes him suffering in the present so it's one of those things that needs to be remedied you know?#because whenever you have ideas like that stuck inside you it's just going to make you feel awful and plus barton has NOT been able to cope#with his death because he has no idea WHY wesley was so monstrous to him. but in this case there wasn't a reason why it was just kind of-#who he was. barton wasn't to blame for his father's behavior for he was a fully grown adult and should've at least tried to reach out to-#someone about his own mental health slowly but surely being on a steady decline bc that was his responsibility and he should've-#treated barton a lot better. but unfortunately he didn't.#tw: child abuse.#tw: mental illness.#tw: violence.
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partywithponies · 1 year
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The most compelling part of my incredibly elaborate Alison Corruption Arc AU™/Alison Stranded in 1993 AU™ is definitely Alison just becoming an accepted part of Julian and Margot's marriage. The Cooper-y filling in a Fawcett sandwich.
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goodnight<3 meeting up with friends tomorrow and i know for once i dont need to set an alarm because my phone bouncing around the room from all the messages calling me old will be plenty to make my awake. oh and birthday texts from family i guess
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lobpoints · 9 months
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some boring lc thoughts in dm with friend ig
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#i was telling my friend that I had some lc thoughts lately which they asked and I responded like a day after (distracted by yuri sorry)#also because I feel like I cannot articulate my thoughts without sounding like an inherently hateful or annoying person about it#there are more to this being that I talked about Benjamin pre LC behavior in the text but benjamin in LC loop behavior evolved#into a state of helplessness complacency state where he held the belief that his and A relationship only last inside the loop#which metaphorically meant that he believed A will have to remain as a hurtful person for their relationship to last#so Hokma's story just have his behavior toward A have this bit of him condemning A's behavior and go on his poor angela speech#and later on dwell into how it is actually OK for A and everyone to keep living like this because A could NEVER change anyway#and if A argues that he could that just mean that he COULDNT BE serious about it because lol something something repeated hurtful pattern#this is something he has in common with Angela as well because Angela's dialogues toward seed of light progressions express this exact#and it is when his meltdown come in where he poses as protector to protect whatever A hasnt destroyed yet#which later just dwell into him admitted that he was just being overly vebrose about his intention but in reality#it was mostly because he couldnt bear to part with A again#I do absolutely think what Benjamin/Hokma feel toward A is romatic attraction like he is literally gay so yeah#and the fact that in QnA PM has answered that Benjamin wasnt in the loop before Angela killed him and put him in so that why he got older#which makes sense because this place into the thematic that when he wanted to escape the loop or fix thing he actually#growing up#while as Hokma stuck in the loop and dealing with the above issues he started being ''stuck'' in a loop#like I cant with the popular fan theory of Benjamin is killed each loop and how tragic it is like#no it didnt happen and it would be frankly kinda lame im sorry#ok im being a hater again#there are more I wanted to say but I forgor them after writing till this point so uh
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mrsmarlasinger · 2 years
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Hmmmmmmmm quick question! What do you do when your executive dysfunction has reached such a critical state that you:
are actively ignoring things you desperately need to do
are ghosting your employers (even though you can make it all go away by doing the one thing you most need to do: send an email and QUIT)
have almost three dozen notifications that you can't even bring yourself to look at
completely unironically have done nothing but sleep and flip between two apps for days
are fucking up your professional/financial future even though you need to move out in a matter of months
✨and✨
are paralyzed by anxiety that keeps mounting to increasingly unsustainable heights
YET
you GENUINELY CANNOT figure out how to PHYSICALLY FORCE YOUR BODY to do the (extremely short, extremely important) list of things you keep telling yourself you're going to do
because at this point you can't even shower or change the clothes you've been wearing for days on end?
Asking for a friend. I'm the friend.
#i'm actually really really scared at this point#i don't know what to do i can't get unstuck i feel like i'm being fucking possessed by a demon of sloth or something (idk i'm not catholic)#the last time this happened THIS badly was a year ago in my last semester of college#i literally was not going to graduate bc I couldn't finish my online course and i was every day paralyzed with fear but i COULDN'T#eventually i sat down once for 8 hrs straight and once for 27 hrs straight and knocked it out in two sittings. how did i do that#i feel like i have no control over myself. all i am all the time is tired and miserable and scared and i can't stop sleeping i just can't#i sleep through every single day and i can't stop it. i can't even stop myself from eating chips and candy and fucking bullshit like that#i'm literally just in what feels like a crisis but it's the most static passive crisis on earth and looks from the outside like NOTHING#like you talk to me and think i'm fine and just being really lazy but inside i am panicking and i hate myself but i'm STUCK#idk what to do like i honestly wish i had meth or coke at this point lol. anything to force my brain out of this fucking static haze#i think i'll pound some kratom. red to gloss over the anxiety‚ white for energy. just parachute a couple grams and cure it. i hope.#god you have no idea what i'd do just to get off tumblr and reddit for ten minutes#personal#executive dysfunction#adhd#depression#actually adhd#actually depressed#untreated adhd#vent#vent tw#vent cw#tw vent#cw vent#mental illness#mental illness tw
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elegyofthemoon · 5 months
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today was good!!!! but i am!!!! very tired!!!!!!! :D
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nightfallsystem · 1 year
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i forgot humans are social animals and that having like 0 irl friends is killing me mentally
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quietwingsinthesky · 9 months
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🌹:O
:3c
Lucifer doesn't care how the labcoats say it works; he knows there's no such thing as a clean break from a drift the minute the plug is pulled. Instead, Michael goes from a second consciousness beside his own to being dragged out of Lucifer the further Lucifer gets from him, both of them gripping tight to the connection until it slips, until it snaps, with a violent recoil that knocks Lucifer's brain out of alignment and reminds his legs that they don't work. His next step falls too fast, too heavily, and refuses to take his weight. It's only Michael, now only a voice outside of Lucifer's head yelling his name, catching him from behind that allows Lucifer to collapse to the floor with his dignity intact.
#is this more than one sentence? yes. yes it is. because tumblr deleted this post once and pissed me off.#i had so many tags about lucifer already and boom. gone.#anyway. tfw you see your boyfriend get severely injured during a battle and this makes you panic so bad you manage to make it a few meters#which is a lot for a guy who can't actually walk.#lucifer's got a whole Situation. turns out plugging a guy's brain up to a giant robot is not without its bugs.#especially when said guy was one of the first to be stuck inside the giant robot with his brother. and testing was a lower priority due to#everyone wanting a faster solution to the Giant Fucking Monsters. so lucifer's brain got overloaded and can't send signals to his legs#anymore to move right unless he's hooked up to a mech. technically when this first happened the doctor told him 'well if you stop doing mec#shit you can walk again.' but 1) he's not doing that. and 2) that was years ago. just because that recommendation is still on a file#somewhere doesn't mean it would actually work for him. or even that it would have back then. it's still the official answer for 'fixing' hi#because that's better optics than the truth. which is that he can't walk.*#(technically. technically. if he was left disconnected from the mech for a week he could walk. it would also be exhausting. and painful.#and slow. this is not something lucifer considers to be helpful information when he moves faster and with more ease in his chair.#this is something other people like to point out about him that makes him want to start hitting them. and it's not even really true anymore#the 'a week disconnected' thing. again. was a long time ago. it would take over a month for him to stand nowadays.)#(v few people Get all of this but like. michael is one of them. he's in lucifer's head enough that it would be weirder for him not to get i#add to that him being one of the few people who has seen lucifer walk nowadays and focused more on 'hey he looks like he hates that'#than praising it. and he gets it. and is also the requisite amount of annoyed when lucifer *runs off* before michael can help him into his#chair!! not the first time this has happened and will not be the last. michael's used to catching him.)#ask#oh my god that was so much rambling. this isnt even the point of the fic btw. this is just. backstory. worldbuilding.
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mars-ipan · 9 months
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let's see if i can not have a late assignment already :]
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nullcoast · 6 months
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The world is fucking disgusting
#i think a lot about ppl who grew up thinking the world and how it's organized is fundamentally good#to a degree this is still me bc I'm white I grew up suburban#but I always saw and hand understanding of both a. bad things from trauma and b. my mom taught me about systemic racism in like 4th grade#and we were poor and shit in a rich area so I was excluded a lot#like. inside bo burnham is a good example and I saw a YouTuber talk about this in a really interesting way can't remmeber his name#but he was saying like. there's a certain nihilism of white ppl who end up realizing things are bad when they didn't already#idk interesting topic I can't stop thinking about#bc it's the only way I have to explain how ppl are so godawful stupid and why it's so difficult to explain institutional issues#bc ur basically trying to tell them yeah the world is not actually good. and that's. a really big thing to change in someone's mind#that things are good is the root of a lot of miseducation and support for harmful structures#so much propaganda goes into convincing us that everything is good#and that nihilism that guy talked about. like yeah the world is disgusting but it's more. and that's why like#Angela Davis said it well that the revolution starts inside#and that self love and care and doing good things to a body unwanted by a bad world. that is rebellion that is revolution#so nihilistic white ppl who hate the world are still failing to see the point of counter action#that it's about love + goodness and that's the bedrock#and I find myself stuck there mental illness wise where I believe that you have to emphasize and bolster as much happiness and goodness#but it's fucking hard man#anyway. clearly I took an adderal#gotta take some ethics courses with intersectional lens I have no one to talk about this shit with#Palestine is really fucking me up like. all day I just imagine how many children have died#like what can I do. nothing. i can do nothing. and people who don't deserve it continue to live in terror#the average fucking age in Gaza is 18. they're all just kids like me and my brothers#it's not fair
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uselessnbee · 2 years
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it's a constant battle between i don't want Will Byers to suffer anymore. he's been through enough and he deserves a break and i want Mike Wheeler to suffer. i want to see him break down to completely fall apart. i want him to get vecna'd or kidnapped to the UD. i want near death experiences. but Mike's suffering would bring Will more pain then if he had to go through all that bullshit himself. seeing the love of his love in pain is the worst suffering for Will Byers.
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