#he’s so covered in litigation right now and he’s so fucking stupid that he’s going to lose all of them TERRIBLY

[chewwytwee]

I hope he kills himself next

#.txt #this isn’t even the election suit OR the suit in Georgia #he’s so covered in litigation right now and he’s so fucking stupid that he’s going to lose all of them TERRIBLY #not to mention his lawyers aren’t even good because he can’t get good lawyers to work with him #even like conservative powerhouse law firms refuse to work with him #he literally is stuck with the bottom of the barrel #there’s a leaked group text where one of trumps close advisors called them the Star Wars cantina LMAO #them being the dogshit lawyers trump is trapped with #go watch legal Eagle that’s where I’m getting all this from #pog YouTube channel

[bemusedlybespectacled]

Hi! I'm in law school rn and having a lot feelings and thoughts about it. Would ou share some thoughts and positivity? Am I in the right path? Cries and panics in finals are coming and I don't know if this is for me

IMO there are two potential reasons for these kinds of feelings:

You don't feel like this is the right path for you because you feel incapable/incompetent and lawyers are supposed to be Very Very Smart And Capable And Good At Shit All The Time.

You don't feel this is the right path for you because you just genuinely don't like law: you don't like compiling big piles of data into neat bins that match the elements of a particular statute or a specific holding or a coherent argument.

(The third potential reason is for later in your career, in which case it might be that you don't like certain elements of the practice of law: dealing with needy clients, meeting a billable hours requirement, working long hours, etc. In that case, you can always try changing the type of law you're doing - like, if you hate litigating in courtrooms, you might prefer going in-house, or becoming a law librarian, or being a clerk.)

If it's that you don't like law, you do not have to keep doing it. You are allowed to find something else that you like better. A couple of people in my law school class dropped out to be teachers; my clinic partner has a law degree and a PhD and has only ever taught as a professor; you do not have to throw good money after bad on a career that you don't like.

If it's that you feel incompetent and stupid and not like A Lawyer™ because lawyers are geniuses: first of all, I bet you are perfectly fine and can totally do this, because you got all the way here and that's pretty fucking hard already. But let's pretend that fear is actually true and you really are that bad (I doubt it): I promise you, I promise you that there are people practicing law right now who have no idea what the fuck they are doing. Not even in a cutesy "we all get imposter syndrome sometimes" way, I mean "holy fuck how are you still practicing" way.

The CPS attorney I worked across from in my old job did not know any of the rules of evidence, had no legal writing skills whatsoever, and couldn't handle making or defending objections to save her fucking life. She was the attorney for the entire fucking county.

I once got a response to a multi-page motion (like four pages of argument and another 25 or so of exhibits) that was two pages with enormous fucking margins and paragraph spacing, spelling errors, and no actual argument from a guy who had been practicing longer than I've been alive. I actually saved his reply (and the judgement with the footnote that says "as Attorney Bespectacled correctly notes in her brief") as a pick-me-up for when I'm feeling like a fucking idiot.

There are lawyers with a shitload of experience, who make millions of dollars taking on high profile cases, who fucking suck at it. Seriously, watch either of the Sandy Hook trials on the Law and Crime Youtube channel (or listen to any of the depositions that get covered on the Knowledge Fight podcast - they're all titled "Formulaic Objections") if you want to see just how bad a person has to be at being a lawyer in order to get sanctioned.

At one point when I was studying for the bar exam and panicking over it, my partner said, "Michael Cohen passed the bar exam, and I know you're smarter than him, so if he can pass it, so can you." I'm certain you're both smarter and a better person than, like, any of Trump's lawyers, or even a good chunk of my law school classmates (like the entirety of FedSoc cough cough).

But even if you're not, remember: there's only ever one CALI winner per class, so most people aren't going to ever get one. Most people who graduate law school and pass the bar and practice law are just incredibly fucking average. Like, that's just math. You're not a failure if you aren't the best, because most people aren't the best. You can still do very well in life as a lawyer even if you're just Some Person, because that's what most lawyers are.

(Also, sidenote: law school and actual law are very different environments. How you do in one has very little bearing on how you do in the other.)

tl;dr: You're going to be fine no matter what you end up deciding.

#eloonie #lawblr #real lawblr #law school #askbox #personal #bb is a lawyer

[redjaybathood]

Jason calls CPS on Bruce and Alfred and through a ton of money under the table, he gets custody of Damian and Duke, he even manages to get Tim, an emancipated kid, in the deal. He takes them out of Gotham and gives them a chance at being normal teenagers and in retaliation, they teach him how to feel normal again. Crazy it may not be but they are leavung everything they know behind and they get to be thselves.

I read a similar fic once; only Jason wasn't after the custody, but CPS was involved. It was a part of an awesome series that started, I think, with Red Hood being killed. (I think)

I can't remember the name of it right now but if I find it, I will link! Or if anyone knows what I'm talking about, please share the link in a reblog.

Look, your story idea is pretty much perfect.

I don't know what to add. Except that maybe Jason wouldn't necessarily have more money to bribe CPS than Bruce Wayne.

But okay, let's see. All the instances of missing school, inexplicable injuries, Tim having to assume an official position at Wayne Enterprises at 17 while their dad was off gallivanting the world; Richard Grayson who moved away the second he hit eighteen; it all comes together when Jason Todd comes out from wherever he was holed up these years and claims he was afraid for his life. But he can't just, you know, stand by and watch the things happen to other kids.

Look. His allegations are so serious that it's not only CPS that's working on this case, it's GCPD. They can't build a case on Jason's says so and circumstantial evidence (and the boys are denying everything — but then again, they would, wouldn't they?). But the youngest — Damian and Duke — are removed from his custody and placed into state's.

Jason and Bruce are involved in heavy litigation though, Bruce suing him for libel, defamation and god knows what else. Jason — for child endangerment, and his X-rays paint a picture that isn't pretty. How the fuck did he get a gunshot in the stomach while he was fourteen? Why the only hospital's records are the charity clinic in Crime Alley, sponsored by Wayne?

Ric Grayson, who at this point is living in Bludhaven and wants to have nothing to do with Waynes, has no comment.

Tim has a PR nightmare on his hands and a mental breakdown.

It isn't Duke's first stint in the system, but he honestly does not have any positive feelings about Jason. It wasn't necessary, he insists.

Damian just wants to kill him.

Meanwhile, they're distracted by uncovering and dismantling a child-trafficking ring that spread out through Gotham, involving even group homes under Martha Wayne's Foundation patronage. They also, surprisingly but relatedly, get good, if mandatory, counseling.

Jason manages to win the custody because, honestly, the evidence against Bruce is overwhelming. Jason, on the other hand, has a stable government and law enforcement-related job (a contractor for several government agencies including something called Taskforce Z; the courts know not to ask); a 5-bedroom house in a neighborhood with a good school district; and a winning personality: serious and earnest-looking, whereas Bruce has a Brucie reputation behind him.

So, the kids move in with Jason. Tim, by the way, follows voluntarily. He wants to protect the kids against whatever nefarious scheme Jason Todd is pulling. He also wants to annoy the shit out of him in a "you asked for me to be here, pal" way, though, he will find out pretty soon that Damian and Duke got it covered.

What Jason's scheme is:

1) Enroll them in school. Even Tim, who got GED. He's going to the community college now.

"I can get into Princeton, you know," he says when he finds out, baffled.

"Prove it," Jason crosses his hands on his chest, goading.

Tim points a finger at him. "No. Your reverse psychology does not work on me."

Jason shrugs. It infuriates Tim, because, actually, he can't get into Princeton, unless he's paying stupid money, to which he now has no access. His GED is so-so, doesn't have extracurricular, and so on, so forth. If he gets a year in this community college, with good grades, and then transfers, it would be actually doable, though.

2) Damian has so many extracurriculars: art club, drama club, Youth Naturalists Program (which is kinda like scouts, but less camping, more taking care of pets and plants), swimming. What he does not have: time for patrol. Because while no school or club activities take place during the night, he needs to sleep sometimes.

3) Duke is pissed at Jason the most, actually. Him being out of Gotham makes it harder to visit his parents. Besides, he was never really in danger, and Bruce never acted against him in any way, much less what Jason accused him of. Or Tim let it slip. Or Damian indicated. The point is: it did not happen to Duke, and he doesn't appreciate a random dude coming to his life as some kind of savior and making decisions for him.

Jason enrolls Duke into the chemistry club. Maybe, he suggest, if he studied chemistry really hard, he could crack the secret of Joker toxin and cure his parents. And, well. Duke still pissed at him for involving him in whatever bullshit war he has with Bruce. But. Some of his attention switches to that club, and his basketball team, and the girl from his class.

4) They meet up with other Bats in Blud, in a bar where Ric's girlfriend works, sometimes. Only Jason, Cass and Ric are actually old enough to be there, but, hey. Nobody is checking ID in Bludhaven. Ric wasn't thrilled at first, but they just hang out, for a long time, with no pressure and, "No expectations," Jason said to them, and especially to Tim for some reason, before they even got into the car. Tim was offended. Damian was Dick's favorite, why it's him who gets a stern look?

But yeah, it hits Tim hard when he sees Ric behaving so differently from Dick. But eventually, as they all get to know each other, and get to like each other, things look up.

When Scarecrow attacks the Bludhaven and it turns out that he was brainwashing Ric into self-isolating all along... the . They suit up and fight him off. Ric isn't going back with them or anything, but they start talking on the phone and video calls, more frequently. When they visit, they don't always hang out at the bar but also movies, or parks. It's nice.

5) Bruce is doing therapy, as mandated by court. So much therapy. He does make an effort, though it doesn't really help. Time away, more stable, less violent life, their own therapy, gave kids somewhat more detached and objective look at their old live, and wow, was that fucked up.

Bruce tries to re-establish contact, and it seems like he really, really tries. So nobody knows what exactly to do with all of this.

Even Jason. Jason, maybe, is struggling most of all, with an idea of Bruce who changed, who loves him back and will take care of him and is safe. It's complicated, and they are doing things step by step. Eventually, Bruce and Alfred just visit very very often. It's been decided that it would be better for kids to stay away from Gotham and vigilante life, so they're not moving back home. But Bruce is back in their life, if in a limited way.

He's like a weekend dad, you know? After divorce, when the mom gets the custody and has to do all the boring and hard parts of parenting, deal with tantrums, teenage angst, rebellion, grades, etc, and the dad gets the kids on weekends and does fun and easy stuff.

He does give them money, though, so they get a dog, and Tim is totally going to Princeton (even if he isn't sure he wants to), and there's a new chemical lab at Duke's school...

I've noticed that i didn't talk about the girls. Well, they're not really present in the boys' lives anymore, with the move and all. Cass and Steph rarely visit, but they have a guest room with their name on it anyway. Steph is mock-offended Jason didn't want to adopt her, but Jason says it wouldn't go over that well with her girlfriend. He says he offered Cass to join them, back at the beginning, but she declined.

That's basically it. Jason is a suburban single dad of two children and Tim, dog-owner, PTA committee member, neighborhood baking association's president, and, sometimes, the government sends him with a team of zombies to do stuff for them.

Tim is a college student and even likes it.

Damian gets a first prize at an art competition.

Duke wins a state Olympiad in Chemistry.

Ric is still a cabbie, but he's happy about it.

Cass marries Steph in a June wedding. They both continue to be vigilantes, but then again, now they're both legal adults. So what Jason can do about it?

#jason todd #tim drake #damian wayne #duke thomas #dick grayson #bruce wayne #fic ideas #asks

[diaryofabeautyfiend]

This is two parts because I got carried away. I wrote this on my phone and proof read as much as I could.

Warnings: cheating, male masturbation, m/f sex, minor spoilers for “Defending Jacob”.

——————————————————————————————

Plain Gold Ring

“Plain gold ring on his finger he wore

It was where everyone could see

He belonged to someone, but not me

On his hand was a plain gold ring”

-Nina Simone

When the Barbers moved to your building every old bitty in the place was buzzing with excitement. You had loosely followed Jacob Barber’s case as it played out on the evening news. The whole thing was bizarrely too neat and tidy for your liking. You tried to stay out of idle gossip as much as possible. But, when you heard Andy Barber was interviewing for a senior position at your firm, you had questions.

Andy was brought in to interview for a position that you were also interested in. You requested a meeting with your boss and you went in guns blazing. Your poor boss was not ready for all the excitement.

“Am I still being considered for junior partner?”

“Y/n, calm down.” When he saw you winding yourself up, he popped an antacid an a few ibuprofen.

“Calm down? Calm down he says. I’ve been with this firm since I clerked for you in Law school, Stan. I’m the best fit for this role and you know it.”

“I know you are, kid. I’ve been out voted.”

It’s common knowledge that the partners don’t want too many women gunning for their jobs. They already have one token female partner. They didn’t feel the need to add another. You were infuriated. You stomped back to your office and slammed the door.

All of the work you put in. All of the late nights. You don’t have time to even date. And all for what? You had to calm down now because you were starting to cry out of sheer frustration. You took a deep breath and started going through your to do list. With a relatively light schedule you decided to leave for the day. You mumbled something to your assistant about a doctors appointment and headed for the elevator.

You saw some of the senior partners headed your way shaking hands with Andy. You pressed the elevator button furiously trying to avoid them. Could you make it down seventeen flights of stairs in your stilettos? The elevator dinged and you jumped on just as Robert called your name.

As soon as you put your car in gear, your assistant called. You sent her to voicemail. She called again. Declined. Finally she texted call me back ASAP. Emergency. Fuck.

“Caitlan I said I had an appointment. What’s the emergency?”

“Sorry. Mr. Cramer insisted I call. He’s standing by my desk” she whispered. “They want you to have lunch with them today. Maybe it’s about the job.”

“Did you see guy shaking hands with them? That’s the new junior partner. They are asking me to lunch to reject me. Fuck! Where?” You rested your head against the steering wheel.

“Commander’s at 1:00.”

“Fine.” you groaned.

You went home to freshen up and send out your updated resume. You made sure to include “Willing to relocate” at the end to broaden your prospects. You had a friend in Chicago who worked for a very high profile firm. They were always looking for new blood. You shot her a text to let her know you were looking then emailed your resume. The prospect of starting over completely made you nauseous. You would have to go through the ranks and probably waist another five years to get exactly where you were right now.

When you arrived at the restaurant the maître d brought you to the table where Stan, several other senior partners and Andy were waiting. Andy stood up to pull out your chair.

“Gentleman. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Sit down, Y/N. We wanted to introduce you to Andrew Barber.”

“Andy. Please call me Andy. It’s very nice to meet you, Y/N. These guys haven’t stopped talking about you all morning.”

“All good things I hope.” The men laughed and ordered a round of martinis. Good thing you ate a big lunch at home. No one likes a sloppy drunk girl.

“Yes. Well, Y/N, as you may not know Andy has accepted the junior partner position. We would love if you brought him up to speed on anything you’re working on and show him the ropes.”

You were seething. “Of course Mr. Cramer. Happy to.”

“Oh. Good. Let’s order huh? I’m starving.”

You were silent for the rest of lunch ordering two more martinis very dry and a salad. Dressing on the side of course. The men spoke loudly and never even tried to include you in the conversation. You excused yourself to use the restroom. Andy, ever the gentleman, stood up at the same time.

You didn’t go back. Not that it would have mattered. You ordered an Uber and checked your email. You didn’t notice Andy at the valet stand.

“I’m headed back to the office. Need a ride?” he called to you.

“No. I’m good. Thanks though.”

“Are you sure? I don’t mind.” He watched you pace back and forth reading a message almost out loud.

You didn’t look up from your phone. “Shit.” You scowled looking at the screen. You dialed Caitlan’s extension. “Caitlan, Sloan Treadaway’s deposition was moved to today. I need it pushed to Monday.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. I figured you would be coming back so I told them it was ok to push it up. I can call them back.”

“No. Don’t bother. I’m on my way back.”

“Looks like you can use a ride after all.” Andy was grinning from ear to ear.

He held the door and rushed around to the other side. You pulled a small bag out of your purse. You freshened your hair, popped some breath mints, lotioned and spritzed away the smell of booze. Andy thought this must be commonplace for you. It’s not easy trying to run with the guys. He could walk into this deposition piss drunk and most people wouldn’t care. You had to be perfect. He always hated that aspect of working in a big firm like this.

“Sorry. I’ll pay to have your car cleaned.” It smelled like you now. Expensive perfume and minty breath. Sweet but not sickly so. He inhaled letting his nostrils flair breathing you in. “Don’t want your wife to be pissed.”

“Lori? Don’t worry about her. She’ll understand.”

“How is she doing with her job search?”

“Doing ok. Thanks for asking. She’s interviewed with a few places.”

“She worked for a non profit right?” When he looked at you quizzically, you quickly explained yourself. “I hear things. Anyway. I know the director of a non profit organization that might be a great fit for her. I’ll pass along her information.”

“Thank you, Y/N. I really appreciate it. Stan told me you were the front runner for this position. I know how hard it is for women in this industry. I want to say how sorry I am…”

“Let me stop you there. First of all, don’t be sorry. You’re high profile and a damn good litigator. They would be stupid not to offer you the moon. You’re over qualified for this job. You didn’t come here gunning for me. I’ll be fine. Besides, a few of these old bags have one foot in the grave. It won’t be long for me.”

Andy smiled at you but still kind of felt like shit at the way the firm treated you. When you pulled into the garage you offered a quick thanks and rushed into the building to prepare.

Andy stayed behind for a bit. He spent a few precious moments breathing in your scent, letting it linger and wash over him. He hoped his clothes would smell a little like you. Stan said you were a “fire cracker”. Andy always hated that analogy. He knew by the way the group of men talked about you that he would like you. Your quick banter in the car confirmed it. Throughout the rest of the day you would invade his thoughts. He and Lori were still married but their relationship was long over. You had excited him more in a couple of hours than she had in years. When he got home he didn’t eat dinner or speak to anyone. He went right to his room where he replayed your exchange over and over. The ghost of your perfume lingered on his shirt. Both of your scents mixed together gave him a raging hard on. He kept your shirt over his face while he fisted his cock.

——————————————————————

The next morning you decided to face the day with a fresher attitude. Sometime yesterday you heard from your friend. She was thrilled that you reached out to her. She has been trying to get you out there for a while. Knowing that you had a solid backup plan was giving your hair volume and clearing your skin.

You thought you were early but Andy was already in your office waiting for you.

“Morning, Mr. Barber.” God he loved how you said that.

He scoffed, “Andy. Please. I brought you a coffee. I hope it’s ok. I got your order from Caitlan. I thought we’d order in lunch today. We have a lot of ground to cover. You should probably let your family know you’ll be missing dinner.”

“I don’t think my dead ficus will worry too much.” Your tone was dry.

“I apologize for the assumption.”

“Not necessary. Though my mother and my therapist would both be pleased to know that I look like someone who could have a family.”

You were funny. You seemed to say whatever thought popped into your head. You had one hell of a poker face though. He didn’t know if you were trying to be funny or if this was just you. When you didn’t look up from your computer screen he didn’t laugh.

As the day wore on you warmed up to him a little. You filled him in on the three big cases you were working on. You were actually going to trial on a very important case soon. He insisted you rehearse your opening statement a hundred times.

During the third run through Andy’s phone was blowing up. He finally turned it off and told you to keep going. He watched you pace around the room and coached you on your stance. “Stand with authority not arrogance.” He chided. He showed you himself then, asked if he could touch your shoulders. “Round them out like this. Good. Back straight. See?” he pointed to your reflection in the window, “It’s not menacing or arrogant. But you look like you’re in charge. You look perfect.” Hell. Was he flirting with you? By the time you looked at the clock it was 9:30.

“Fuck is that the time?” he said with a boisterous yawn.

“Shit. We should pick this up tomorrow.”

“Let’s go get a drink. I’m buying.”

You quirked your eyebrow, “I’m sure your wife and kiddo are dying to see you.”

He stacked some folders neatly on your desk and looked up at you through his lashes, “I’ll be sure to tell my therapist that I look like a guy who has a happy marriage and a good relationship with his kid.”

Your cheeks heated. The way he was looking at you made you sad but it also warmed your insides. “I’m sorry.” you mumbled.

“Don’t worry about it. We said we would stay together until Jacob went away to school. He pretends to ignore the fact that we have separate bedrooms. We put on happy faces everyday. We’re a typical American family.”

You laughed at his admission. His whole story was so fucked up. You wanted to know everything about him. “You know, I think I will let you buy me a drink.”

“Good girl.” he said in a low voice that went strait to your core. The whole way to the car you repeated a mantra in your head reminding you not to get involved with a married man. It didn’t matter how unhappy they were. But you wanted him. Every time he touched you, your insides would quake.

The bar was packed with regulars from the DA’s office and other firms. You introduced Andy around. The guy was a legitimate pro. He was so smooth working the room. The whole time he kept finding small ways to touch you. The brush of his fingers on your arm his breath against your ear when he asked if wanted another drink. Your heart nearly stopped. You stuck with him for a while until your feet couldn’t stand anymore. Every time he caught your eye from across the room he winked at you.

For the first time in a long time Andy was enjoying himself. Your friends were fun and not at all stuffy like he thought this crowd would be. You were adorable. Your laugh was cute. The way you brushed against him on purpose was cute. You were openly flirting with him the more you drank. He had a massive crush on you. What grown man has a crush these days. He thought maybe if he fucked you and got it out of his system he’d get over it.

Your friend Liz sat down at your table trying to talk to you for a solid minute before you noticed. “Sorry. I was distracted. What were you saying?” She threw her head back laughing at you.

“I said you two would make a gorgeous couple.”

“Stop. He’s married.”

“Happily?”

“That doesn’t matter. Married is married.”

“So that’s a no. He’s been eye fucking you all night. Shoot your shot, darling. We get so few in this life.” The light hit his wedding ring just right making you feel horrible for even entertaining the thought. Do not get involved. You kept chanting it in your head over and over until Andy slid in the booth next to you. He leaned over so he could talk over the din of the crowd.

“Hey, you. Wanna get out of here?”

“You don’t need to bring me home, Andy. I can catch an Uber.” That was such a ridiculous statement since you lived in the same building.

“That’s not what I asked. I said do you wanna get out of here?” His eyes were fixed on your mouth. A salacious grin splayed across his lips just knowing you’d give in.

“Andy. I….” You stuttered over your words. Your brain stopped working when you felt his warm breath on the shell of your ear. “Let’s get out of here.” Your breath hitched in your chest when he touched the small of your back. He payed his tab and lead you out of the bar.

You held hands in the car. His thumb rhythmically traced patterns on your knuckles. Every touch sent bolts of arousal to your aching cunt. It felt electric. You were ready to crawl into his lap by the time you made it into the garage. He parked in his spot and followed behind you to the elevator. You lived two floors below him. You glanced back at Lori’s sensible suv next to his car and felt embarrassed. He caught you looking and stopped you in your tracks. He took your chin in between his thumb and index finger forcing you to look at him.

“I understand if you don’t want to invite me in. I’m asking a lot of you. But I really like you, Y/N. You are funny and intimidatingly smart. And, fuck me, you are fucking stunning. I can go to work tomorrow like nothing happened. Don’t worry about Lori. Worry about what this means working together. Can you handle this?”

Your brain was no longer working and deferred to your pussy for any and all further decisions. You had not had even mediocre sex in six months. You just knew Andy was going to blow your mind. All day you have been working together so well. You challenged each other and he encouraged you when you faltered. Would this change the dynamic at work? Absolutely. Could you handle it? You’re damn right you could.

“I can handle it.”

“Good girl.” You all but sprinted to the elevator. He wouldn’t touch you until you actually got inside of your apartment and closed the door. When you did, he pushed against you and covered your lips with his.

You tasted the golden flavor of beer on his tongue as it probed your mouth. He unbuttoned your blouse and pushed it over your shoulders letting it hit the floor. He kissed his way down the column of your neck to the swell of your breasts. You panted underneath him raking your nails through his hair.

“God you smell incredible. At any point if you don’t want this….”

“Andy, shut up and fuck me.” He growled low in his throat before he picked you up and carried you to your bedroom. You could see how hard he was through his impeccably tailored slacks. You unzipped his fly and took the whole throbbing appendage in your mouth.

“Fuck, baby yes.” he hissed. You relaxed your throat muscles and swallowed him deeper. “You look so pretty with my cock in your mouth.” He moaned your name over and over soaking your panties. “Stop, honey. Let me see that pretty pussy.”

He eased you down onto the bed and undressed you painfully slow. It had been so long since he was intimate with someone, he wanted to take his time. He started with your feet removing your heels and massaging your insteps. His hands ran up the length of your legs to your skirt. He took off your panties first letting the skirt material pool around your waist. “So wet for me. So beautiful.” He slipped two fingers in between your folds hitting everywhere but your clit. He built up a tortuous rhythm that had you begging for relief. He smiled down at you watching completely fall apart. When he dipped his fingers inside of you, you were done. Your orgasm spilled out in one glorious cry. Before you could catch your breath he pulled off your skirt and unhooked your bra. His cock was weeping at the sight of you. A large hand held the back of your neck holding your head in place so you could look at him. Your eyes locked as he buried himself inside of you. There were no more words as he moved inside of you. Only breathless moans and sighs would escape your lips. He increased his pace and your orgasm started building again.

“Fuck. Andy, I’m….fuck!”

“I’m with you, honey. Come with me.” His words were your undoing. You latched your whole body onto him. He held you tight whispering praises in your ear. He kissed you slow and deep easing you back down to Earth. “You ok?”

“I think so.” You both laughed at the sight of yourselves. Sweat glistening off of your skin, lips puffy and kiss swollen. He eased off of you and rubbed your thighs to relax you. You thought he would get dressed and rush out but he crawled under the covers instead.

“Can I stay for a while?” Big arms pulled you down to his chest. He stroked your back softly to help you drift off to sleep.

“I’d like it if you did.” He pressed a kiss onto the top of your head and let his eyes flutter closed.

When dawn found you a few hours later, you were still tangled with each other. You jolted awake panicking because Andy was still in your bed. “Andy, wake up. You stayed all night.”

“I know. What time is it?”

“6:45.”

“Then we have time. Go back to sleep.”

“But Lori…”

“I told you not to worry about her. Get back on this pillow and let me hold you. Please.” The poor guy was so touch starved you guessed. Andy Barber was not a man who did well being single. He loved being in love. He longed for a connection. For passion. He knew those things would sometimes fizzle out of a marriage. But, with you, he couldn’t see that. Your fire matched his fire and Lori was the wet blanket that always snuffed him out.

He supposed that wasn’t really fair. Two people were in their marriage. He worked long hours and spent very little time doing anything but being an ADA and being a dad. He didn’t give the same dedication to being Lori’s partner. The stress of this past year pushed them further apart. He felt obligated to be with her. It was his idea to stay together for Jacob’s sake. He regretted pushing for it.

He pulled you close to his body and wrapped an arm around your waist. He nuzzled your hair and fell back to sleep. You did too.

#andy barber #andy barber x y/n #andy barber smut #defending jacob

[slashbitch2]

never judge a mom by their car

this was entirely self indulgent but enjoy :)

Carla Dunkler hated you. No, scratch that. She wanted to fuck you. Or both maybe?

Every morning you'd drive past in your perfect, not dented, car and parallel park like it was the easiest fucking thing in the world. It was hot, and infuriating. Then, she was subjected to your kid (adopted, so no mom bod) and his impeccable manners. He'd get out the car, go to your window to say goodbye, then stroll into school like he owned the place. Which he might've, because you were loaded.

Carla didn't consider herself a particularly self-conscious person, yet seeing your perfect parenting induced a certain amount of self-doubt. In comparison, her son still ran into school like he was ten years old, barrelling through the groups of students without so much as a "Thanks for driving me, mom" or "See you later".

To be fair, she could just stick him on the bus and save herself the trouble of waking up early for an ungrateful son, but then she'd miss out on her favourite part of the day.

"Morning!" After saying goodbye, you'd always get out the car to watch your son walk away, and without fail, would call out a greeting or wave politely. Only to Carla though, never anyone else, like you were mocking her.

She hated to admit it, but you'd gotten into her head. It made her feel special, and simultaneously ridiculed.

In response, she'd wave back and usually mutter something insulting under her breath. Today's was, "Go back to fucking your yoga guru or something." Chosen simply because you looked like the kind of person to do yoga, and because she could totally imagine you with a fit, younger man.

The image made her more envious than she'd anticipated. Envious of the imaginary supermodel guru, or you? She wasn't sure.

Now, at this part of the routine, you'd hop back in your super-car and drive to your super-job. Probably to earn more in a day than she did in a week (judging by the suit you wore). Meanwhile she'd be at the spa, waxing god knows what.

---

Somehow, Carla's day had gotten progressively worse, which only encouraged her reckless driving. Perhaps if she were lucky, the car would crash and she'd be saved from suffering through another stupid fundraiser. Maybe she'd get stuck in traffic and arrive so late that the bake sale would've already ended. But then Amy and Kiki would be disappointed. It was a lose-lose situation.

As she pulled into the school car park, you crossed her mind. It was likely that you were already inside, selling some homemade cake that looked to be straight from Pinterest. In comparison, she had nothing to contribute. Although, even if she'd stopped to pick up a store bought cake, it would've surely been put to shame by whatever you had made. Stupid, fucking perfect-

An ear-piercing screech tore Carla away from her stream of insults.

"Oh, shit."

She'd turned too early, ramming straight into the side of another car. A flawless, not dented, perfectly parked car. Double shit. It was yours, she realised with a sigh.

The realisation was the final nail in the coffin, in her coffin. You probably knew some fancy lawyer and were about to sue her for everything she had, which wasn't much currently. Sighing, she let her head fall forward onto the steering wheel with a surrendering thud. Of course it was your car. Fate just had to do her dirty.

She had two options:

Commit a hit and run. Pretend she never made it to the damn bake sale.

Find and confess. Pray that you'd avoid litigation.

However, one thing she didn't count on was that you were leaning out the car window, looking directly at her. It'd have to be option two, then.

Taking a deep breath, she stepped out the car, braced for the worst. Walking shamefully through the car park with you watching her every move, she grew embarrassed. Why the fuck was she still wearing her work clothes? Why was she walking so stiffly? How the hell had she managed to hit your car?

Neither one said anything until she was stood next to you, crouched down to peer through the window.

"Guess that's what I get for hiding in the car." You cackled, completely unexpectedly.

Carla chuckled in relief. You didn't appear mad. "And that's what I get for arriving late, apparently."

You continued to laugh. The carefree, gleeful gesture had to be the best thing she'd seen all day. She liked seeing you happy, wanted to make you laugh again. Though, now wasn't the time for it.

With much difficulty, she fixed her image, regaining some sense of cool indifference. "We should probably exchange insurance details or whatever-"

"Oh no. Don't worry about it." You waved a hand dismissively, reaching to grab your bag from the passenger seat. "I hated this car anyway. Been looking for an excuse to get rid of it."

Carla jumped back as the door swung open suddenly. You paused, placing a hand on her shoulder, demanding eye contact. "Seriously, you did me a favour."

Before she could process anything that'd just happened, you were walking away. In most situations, Carla would've just taken the win and mentally repressed the event. But not this time.

"What even are you?" She called, chasing after your ridiculously fast pace. "How are you so casual about this?" She finally caught up as you were opening the door. God, you smelt so good up close.

You pursed your lips thoughtfully. "I'm a little high right now. That might be why." Without another word, you left her standing in the doorway.

She hadn't been expecting that. This was a whole new side to you, a whole new you. An example of 'never judge a book by its cover'. Or more accurately, never judge a mom by their car. Although she loathed to admit she might've been wrong about you, showing up high to a bake sale cleared any previous assumptions that you were a snob. In fact, Carla Dunkler didn't hate you at all.

And she definitely wasn't about to let you get away.

#carla dunkler x reader #carla dunkler

[leeeeona-blog]

[Tony/Peter]Finally they become one of these lovers

Warning:English is not my first language,so if there are any grammar mistakes,SORRY...AO3 link：

Tags：Happy Ending

Finally They Become One Of These Lovers

Then,hope you guys enjoy it!

1.

For Peter Parker,this is the most unique school year.

Although graduation is near,and he haven’t even got his dissertation topic confirmed;though these couples on the lawn gave their mercy stares into the classroom once in a while.But the leaves turned red,and his mood’s getting better with the gentle wind.

Half of his face was basked in the autumn’s gold sunshine,he bit his lips and was trying to concentrate on the blackboard,but couldn’t help smiling when he lower his head down,and subconsciously read out sentences on his book.

“Hey...dude.”

The boy next to him,Ned,was trying not to sleep.At the end of his forbearance,he clapped Peter on his shoulder:“I can really get his number for you,after class.So stop daydreaming now and keep silence,please.”

Peter was almost frightened to death by Ned’s words,and he asks:“Who?!”

“Don’t be silly,I’m not a dumb.”Ned rolled his eyes:“You whispered ‘Stark’ three times during you read these fucking sentences,I’m done enough.This freaking damn gentleman on the platform was torturing me all the time like a...Okay,I call it a ‘haunted’.”

“Haunted?”Peter repeated,confusedly.

“Yeah,I mean,where you exist,he exists.”Ned suddenly squeezed his chin,acted like a philosopher.“He exists in your mind, thoughts can turn into entity,and me - your clever pal - will feel it.”

Peter lower his head,and soaked in the silence for a sec.He hit his fist with Ned,and say:“Don’t forget what you’ve said.Clever pal.”

Ned pretended that he have forgot everything:“What?”

“His number!”Peter winks.

“Hello Mr.Parker.”The man with beard on the platform knocked on the blackboard:“

If you can stop whispering,these subjects would provide some inspirations for your dissertation.”

2.

“Hey,hey!Just listen to me,Ned!”

Peter crouching on the bed,tossing and turning,trying to get his roommate’s attention:“He knows!He knows that I’m bothered with my dissertation!”

“Everyone knows that he was just meant to sarcasm.”Ned had no idea what to do with Peter could just stop him from thinking about Tony Stark,but turned around from his armchair and looked right at Peter:“A teacher,who you were not really familiar with,knew that you haven’t started writing your dissertation.Do you really think that’s a thing which worth you feel proud?Mr.Graduate?”

“No...that’s different!”Peter immersed in the imagined happiness.

The room became silent again.While Ned just started to do his own things,Peter jumped up from his bed and started yelling.

“I’ve got a plan!”

Ned was so frightened that he deleted two lines of computer code.He looked at Peter angrily,seemed like warning him - If Peter couldn’t say something special,he would kick his head away.

“I wanna invite him,to be my guidance teacher!”

Peter’s eyes were shinning,with his lips pressed together.But that didn’t work - to hide his dimples on cheeks.

3.

“So...Peter,right?”

Gentleman’s good-looking right hand lifted a goblet on the table,tasted the gold wine in the glass.

“Y...Yes,sir.”

Peter was so nervous that he nearly couldn’t breath.He wiped sweat on his clothes.

The man just played the glass goblet,with a smile on his face:“Why are you coming to me?You just got your attention wandered on my class.”

Peter was suddenly panicked:“No...No Mr.Stark,I didn’t...Sorry I did.But I was just...Don’t be misunderstanding...I’m pretty sure that I really like your...”

Tony placed the goblet to his table again,and took back his bantering look:“Shh...I’m not blaming you.”

Not...Blaming?

Peter thought about the words,and got truly confused.He didn’t know if this words were meant to refuse his request.He felt like everything wasn’t going as they supposed to go,and rarely,feeling himself like a dumb without a word to say.

“Come on,tell me,what were you thinking on my class?”

Tony’s tone had always been so unclear to his inner thoughts.

You.

Peter muttered in his heart - I was thinking of you.

The man’s manicured beard didn’t look as stiff as others, instead,it was reflecting the warm light,and made people feel comfortable.And his silver glasses - seems to be the standard of a professor in his age, but when it was wearing by him...

Well,all because of the gentle eyes.

"You were watching me." Tony said surely.

Peter was frightened again,and recovered his burning gaze almost instantly, his cheeks flushed in a sec.

"Alright." Tony gave some knocks on the table: "Talk about your dissertation."

Peter's reaction center seemed to become duller, and his ability to receive information had become so weak for some time. He didn’t even understand the instructor's positive answer, only fearing about his little thoughts will be exposed in front of the litigant.

There’s still a lot of things that Peter didn't know.

Such as, the fluff on his face which haven’t faded with ages outlined the shape of his rounded lip.

But even if he knew this, he would have no doubt that the light was not from the sun, but from the man sitting at the table.

　　

4.

Everything seems to have gone too far.

Unexpectedly,this seemingly unreliable man is a strict instructor.

But...

Different from the students who were painfully revising their essays in the library, Peter was delighted,whom looked a bit strange,as if the essay in front of him wasn’t a tough work,but a gentle love poem.

"The power of love, hum."This was the evaluation of Ned.

But recently,Peter, who was usually unable to stop working for Tony, has recently become a little ‘lazy’.

Even Tony himself realized it.

"Stupid little mistakes, huh?"

Tony lied in his comfortable armchair,frowned slightly and reading Peter's essay.

"Brilliant.You can always make another dozens of mistakes when you correct one,aren’t you?"

Peter stood beside Tony awkwardly,didn’t dare to say that he was willfully making these mistakes.

For...Having more chances to see his instructor.

“If you were in my time,”Tony knocked his table:“You would be pressed on this table and took your punishment.”

“Will you?”

Peter asked.

Even the old-school threat like that seemed a little lovely from his mouth.Peter couldn’t imagine how many students had a crush on him during these years.This thought didn’t make him feel better,but like a ghost chewing his little heart.

Tony shrugged,and took a look at Peter:“I don’t wanna be charged with abusing children.”

“But I’m not a child.”Peter says.

“What do you mean ‘not a child’?”Tony raised his eyebrows,with a mysterious smile on his face.

“No...No!”Peter shook his head like a fan,didn’t know what he’s actually denying.“I just wanna tell you that I’m not a kid...”

Damn it.

His silver tongue couldn’t even bring out a word now.

He just meant that he’s a legal adult and he’s old enough to do some grown-up things.Such as fell in love with his teacher,and belong to the warm embrace of Tony - which he always imagined at night.

“Go and modify your paper,young man.”Tony stopped this conversation.“I don’t want to see any low-level mistakes again,understand?”

Peter nodded and turned back,the shadow of his eyelash covered his tearful red eyes.

He was disappointing.

Then he heard someone said something.

“You can come to me anytime,don’t be a dumb,Pete.”

Peter suddenly raise his head,with overflowing hope in his eyes.

5.

That must be the most terrible option he’d ever chose.Tony thought.

The kid,which was usually careful about everything,became a real wild person since then.Tony had to turn off his SMS ringtone,or he must have got a mental-weakness.And for this,he missed several messages from Nick Fury,which made him had to listen to Fury’s furious word for 2 hours.

But that didn’t really matter,he always ignore Fury’s useless messages.

Once in a while,he would be willing to read Peter’s messages one by one.That’s always not contained any big things,but it’s always fun.Such as Natalie and Banner,majored in Russian,had a fight with the famous detained student Bucky.And end with Steve Rogers,the teacher,dragging Bucky away from them.

Sometimes,to his surprise,he found that the boring school life was so colorful in Peter’s eyes.And suddenly,he understood what were the students crying about on their graduation ceremony.

Red leaves turned into white snow,and flowers came out.The day to say goodbye was coming closer and closer.

Suddenly and finally,he picked up his phone and called Peter.

“Mr.Stark!”

The sound was so familiar and delighted,sounded like the boy was a little bit surprised.

But Tony,who gave this phone call,didn’t know what to say for a while.After a long silence,he said:“I don’t know where you are,but I found a little calculation mistake in your paper.So...”

“What?!”

The boy on the other side yelled out desperately.

Tony coughed to cover his embarrassment:“Whatever,I need you to come to my office right now.”

He ended the call almost flustered.

When the sweaty boy showed up with a big full-filled sports backpack,Tony’s regret reached a higher level.First time in his life,he spoke in an embarrassing tone:“Sorry,I...I did it again,there’s no mistakes.”

Peter:“...?!”

He turned his head and looked around the office,found that the handwriting on the whiteboard were still as the same as last week,and suddenly realized that Tony was lied to him.

He almost laughed out loud.Pretended to wipe sweat,he made his smile under the cover of his clothes.

Did Tony made up a lie just wanna see him?

The man obviously heard the boy’s laugh,which made him felt more embarrassed.He touched his nose,brought a cigarette from his pocket,and lighted it immediately.The smell of high-grade tobacco filled the air.

“I wonder.”Tony said.“Will you wanna be a postgraduate?”

“Umm...Maybe It’s a little bit late to consider about that.”Peter pressed his eyebrow.

Of course too late.

Tony regret again,for starting a topic like that.

He asked the boy to get out of here annoyedly,enjoyed the rest of the cigarette with a messy brain,until the spark almost burned his valuable finger.

6.

The graduation party arrived on schedule.

Fury was wearing a new suit,standing on the rostrum,giving out a passionate speech.He said from the graduation to an advanced topic,ended with a tearful sentence:“There’s no person in the world worse than homophobia and racial discrimination.”Then he didn’t feel like it,added a new sentence:“I hope that every student from this school could make a little effort for equality.”

Peter got a pair of wet eyes in the enthusiastic applause.

Tony Stark personally awarded him his diploma,took out his handkerchief and passed it to him quietly:“Wipe your tears,and drink with your friends.”

Peter smiled again.

“By the way,your suit really doesn’t fit you.”Tony says:“Did your sexy Italian aunt pick this up?”

Peter rolled his eyes:“I picked it myself!”

He bought a larger-sized suit just want to be looked maturer.

But he don’t know that it’s more important to be fitted.

“Rolled your eyes to me?That’s not polite.”Tony says:“You were not behaved,boy.”

Fuck.

Peter’s ears was redden with Tony’s words at once,but this warm wave didn’t seem like stop there,but led its passion straight to a secret part of Peter’s body.

He...

He nearly got wooden,for these words.

Almost ran away from the stage,Peter got back to his seat,and started excessive drinking.Ned asked confusingly:“What’s wrong with you!Don’t be overreacting!Tony wasn’t gonna take off your trousers!”

Peter took a deep breathe:“But I wanna take off his,now.”

“Oh...”It took some time for Ned to react:“These words didn’t sound like having any deterrent force in your mouth.”

Peter drank another cup of Mojito,trying to calm down.But these ice blocks and mint leaves didn’t seem to be helpful,so he took them again and again.

Just like declaring that he is an real grown-up now.

Time to say goodbye to the school life,time to leave teachers and friends,time to...

Get into the society.

All of these seems should start with alcohols.

...But the truth is,they taste bad.Finally They Become One Of These Lovers

Warning：Teacher-Student

English is not my first language,so if there are any grammar mistakes,SORRY...

Tags：Happy Ending

(I wanna make friends who are on the Starker ship!just give me a comment or contact me through a chat!)

Then,hope you guys enjoy it!

1.

For Peter Parker,this is the most unique school year.

Though graduation is near,and he haven’t even got his dissertation topic confirmed;though these couples on the lawn gave their mercy stares into the classroom once in a while.But the leaves turned red,and his mood’s getting better with the gentle wind.

Half of his face was basked in the autumn’s gold sunshine,he bit his lips and was trying to concentrate on the blackboard,but couldn’t help smiling when he lower his head down,and subconsciously read out sentences on his book.

“Hey...dude.”

The boy next to him,Ned,was trying not to sleep.At the end of his forbearance,he clapped Peter on his shoulder:“I can really get his number for you,after class.So stop daydreaming now and keep silence,please.”

Peter was almost frightened to death by Ned’s words,and he asks:“Who?!”

“Don’t be silly,I’m not a dumb.”Ned rolled his eyes:“You whispered ‘Stark’ three times during you read these fucking sentences,I’m done enough.This freaking damn gentleman on the platform was torturing me all the time like a...Okay,I call it a ‘haunted’.”

“Haunted?”Peter repeated,confusedly.

“Yeah,I mean,where you exist,he exists.”Ned suddenly squeezed his chin,acted like a philosopher.“He exists in your mind, thoughts can turn into entity,and me - your clever pal - will feel it.”

Peter lower his head,and soaked in the silence for a sec.He hit his fist with Ned,and say:“Don’t forget what you’ve said.Clever pal.”

Ned pretended that he have forgot everything:“What?”

“His number!”Peter winks.

“Hello Mr.Parker.”The man with beard on the platform knocked on the blackboard:“

If you can stop whispering,these subjects would provide some inspirations for your dissertation.”

2.

“Hey,hey!Just listen to me,Ned!”

Peter crouching on the bed,tossing and turning,trying to get his roommate’s attention:“He knows!He knows that I’m bothered with my dissertation!”

“Everyone knows that he was just meant to sarcasm.”Ned had no idea what to do with Peter could just stop him from thinking about Tony Stark,but turned around from his armchair and looked right at Peter:“A teacher,who you were not really familiar with,knew that you haven’t started writing your dissertation.Do you really think that’s a thing which worth you feel proud?Mr.Graduate?”

“No...that’s different!”Peter immersed in the imagined happiness.

The room became silent again.While Ned just started to do his own things,Peter jumped up from his bed and started yelling.

“I’ve got a plan!”

Ned was so frightened that he deleted two lines of computer code.He looked at Peter angrily,seemed like warning him - If Peter couldn’t say something special,he would kick his head away.

“I wanna invite him,to be my guidance teacher!”

Peter’s eyes were shinning,with his lips pressed together.But that didn’t work - to hide his dimples on cheeks.

3.

“So...Peter,right?”

Gentleman’s good-looking right hand lifted a goblet on the table,tasted the gold wine in the glass.

“Y...Yes,sir.”

Peter was so nervous that he nearly couldn’t breath.He wiped sweat on his clothes.

The man just played the glass goblet,with a smile on his face:“Why are you coming to me?You just got your attention wandered on my class.”

Peter was suddenly panicked:“No...No Mr.Stark,I didn’t...Sorry I did.But I was just...Don’t be misunderstanding...I’m pretty sure that I really like your...”

Tony placed the goblet to his table again,and took back his bantering look:“Shh...I’m not blaming you.”

Not...Blaming?

Peter thought about the words,and got truly confused.He didn’t know if this words were meant to refuse his request.He felt like everything wasn’t going as they supposed to go,and rarely,feeling himself like a dumb without a word to say.

“Come on,tell me,what were you thinking on my class?”

Tony’s tone had always been so unclear to his inner thoughts.

You.

Peter muttered in his heart - I was thinking of you.

The man’s manicured beard didn’t look as stiff as others, instead,it was reflecting the warm light,and made people feel comfortable.And his silver glasses - seems to be the standard of a professor in his age, but when it was wearing by him...

Well,all because of the gentle eyes.

"You were watching me." Tony said surely.

Peter was frightened again,and recovered his burning gaze almost instantly, his cheeks flushed in a sec.

"Alright." Tony gave some knocks on the table: "Talk about your dissertation."

Peter's reaction center seemed to become duller, and his ability to receive information had become so weak for some time. He didn’t even understand the instructor's positive answer, only fearing about his little thoughts will be exposed in front of the litigant.

There’s still a lot of things that Peter didn't know.

Such as, the fluff on his face which haven’t faded with ages outlined the shape of his rounded lip.

But even if he knew this, he would have no doubt that the light was not from the sun, but from the man sitting at the table.

　　

4.

Everything seems to have gone too far.

Unexpectedly,this seemingly unreliable man is a strict instructor.

But...

Different from the students who were painfully revising their essays in the library, Peter was delighted,whom looked a bit strange,as if the essay in front of him wasn’t a tough work,but a gentle love poem.

"The power of love, hum."This was the evaluation of Ned.

SEE MORE IN AO3：

#spiderman #tony stark #peter parker #tony stark/peter parker #starker #iron dad #iron man #spider son #avengers

[theliterateape]

I Like to Watch: The Rock (1996)

by Don Hall

With the slowly creeping reality that Hollywood isn’t making a lot of new movies just lately and having already watched fucking everything out there twice, the re-watching of those films you remember from decades prior to pandemic is exactly what streaming provides.

Back in the days of Chicago, at one of the many BUGHOUSE! shows, Joe Janes and Brian Sweeney debated on the topic “Michael Bay: Hack or Genius?” This is not to re-litigate that debate but I highly recommend you listen if you’re so inclined. It’s flat-out hysterical.

I’m not what you’d call the biggest fan of Bay’s oeuvre but when Bay is at his most Bayness, he can create some truly remarkable cinema.

The Transformers was a blast up until the Shia LaBouf character was aged out. Giant robots fighting over dominion of the Earth? That magically turn into vehicles created by humans? From outer space? C’mon!

The Bad Boys trilogy was an exercise in the chemistry between two incredibly charismatic actors with some of the most badass car chases and explosions known to film. Scorsese might have cornered the market on brilliant storytelling, amazing and creative camera work, and the best use of scoring in history but you aren’t gonna find a single Humvee chase in Cuba that destroys an entire five blocks of buildings while the leads trade comic quips throughout in Age of Innocence.

I loved The Island just because the whole thing was so completely ridiculous and fun.

Bruce Willis playing hardcore driller-dad to Ben Affleck? Billy Bob Thornton as a crippled NASA scientist? Steve Buscemi doing a callback to Dr. Strangelove? Strippers, outer space Evel Knievel, and blue-collar morons saving the planet? Huge destruction of Paris, Hong Kong, and Wall Street by asteroids? Few hunks of cheesecake laden with sugary strawberries and rich chocolate sauce covered in Reese’s Pieces chased by a Peanut Butter Chocolate shake couldn’t top Armageddon.

But the sheer out-of-body beauty and over-the-top ridiculousness of 1996’s Nicholas Cage/Sean Connery spectacle The Rock is the pinnacle of machismo Michael Bay genius.

I’m from the eighties. While not nostalgic for those myriad badass men kicking ass and making jokes about it films, I still grew up with them and can’t help but love them in some way. Explosions and cars and impossible accuracy with weapons that are huge and stupid are quintessentially juvenile joy. The tale that spins the hero saving the world (in whatever parameters the tale decides is “the world” — destroying a globally killing asteroid or saving 70,000 people or taking out the vicious bad guys) is all myth but they’re myths that posit that we sacks of meat and nerves have some control of the events that surround us.

There is a moral code in these things. Sure, lots of killing but in an almost Looney Tunes sort of video game death. Plenty of shit blowing up. Amid the controlled chaos is a code of good guys and bad guys. Extremely binary. Simple. Good guys do all the same things as bad guys do but for the right reasons. Good guys gun people down for love or freedom, they sacrifice themselves for a greater good even when it does not serve their best interests. Bad guys do it for filthy lucre. Bad guys kill for selfish reasons. Monetary gain.

The truth is that we humans are far more like Woody Allen (for the intellectual class) or the idiots from Dodgeball than John Rambo or John McClain. We are beset by complexity, bills, random injuries, and anxiety. Rarely are we challenged in that do or die scenario except for when we pay for it (no one is required to do the Tough Mudder or go skydiving). In the life of the real, there are no genuine action film bad guys or good guys. So we live vicariously by watching them.

In The Rock Ed Harris plays a general in the special forces whose motivation for stealing biochemical weapons and rockets, infiltrating and taking hostages at Alcatraz (by now a tourist attraction), and threatening to murder San Francisco is all about the military’s blatant covering up of covert deaths of American soldiers. His methods are that of a villain but his intentions are honorable.

Sean Connery is John Mason (a character that is no less James Bond if he had been captured in the sixties and imprisoned for 35 years). Mason is a criminal. An escape artist. An enemy of the state whose only motivation for the first half of the movie is get free and create a relationship with a daughter he had with a one-night stand because “she is the only evidence he ever lived.”

Then there is nineties Nick Cage. His character is named Stanley Goodspeed. Stanley Goodspeed. Despite his ability to drive a Lamborghini like an adrenaline junkie on meth and shoot with deadly accuracy when necessary, he is a nerd. A scientist. Awkward and goofy. Despite his girlfriend being super hot and, unlike any nerd in the history of geekdom, his propensity to sit shirtless on his couch, drinking wine and playing the guitar and looking good doing it, Goodspeed is a nerd because Bay tells us he is. And because he tells us he is repeatedly.

Throw in some extraordinary character actors and go to action stars — Michael Biehn, William Forsythe, David Morse, Tony Todd, John Spencer, John C. McGinley — and there’s enough goddamned testosterone in this thing to melt your fucking face.

Three scenes. Twenty minutes to set up General Hummel’s plan (with an incredible action sequence of him stealing the weapons and the obligatory fuck up that lets us see how horrifying the chemical is), Goodspeed’s nerd status combined with his almost godlike ability to handle the pressure of diffusing a bomb in a container while having poison gas shoot all around him, and Mason’s backstory as the British Intelligence guy captured and then the one guy in history to escape Alcatraz (the rock of the title).

From that point, every scene is a ridiculous, masterfully executed action sequence. Non-stop action. I remember reading a blurb about Neil Simon’s The Odd Couple on Broadway that boasted ”a laugh every six seconds. This film can boast a giant action boner every two minutes.

A haircut turns into hanging John Spencer from a clothesline over a building which turns into a massive car chase in San Francisco (like 30 cars are destroyed in this thing), which turns into the Navy Seals dropping out of a plane into the waters surrounding Alcatraz. Then we have Mason navigate the Galaxy Quest back entrance to Alcatraz (Best Moment: Connery opens the door and says, in all his Scottishness “Gentlemen, welcome to The Rock.”) followed by the bad guys slo-mo gunning down the good guys from an elevated position in a prison shower.

All the while one sits in amazement at the glorious weirdness of Nicholas Cage. I wonder what Harris and Connery thought about after each bizarre line reading of lines like:

"I’d take pleasure in guttin’ you, boy. I’d take pleasure in guttin’ you... boy.” What is wrong with these people, huh? Mason? Don’t you think there’s a lot of, uh, a lot of anger flowing around this island? Kind of a pubescent volatility? Don’t you think? A lotta angst, a lot of “I’m sixteen, I’m angry at my father” syndrome? I mean grow up! We’re stuck on an island with a bunch of violence-for-pleasure-seeking psycophatic marines, SHAME-ON-THEM!

and

“What do you say we cut the chit-chat, A-HOLE? You almost got me killed twice! And my jaw hurts like hell.”

and

”How, in the name of Zeus's butthole, did you get out of your cell?”

Once everyone is killed and then only two of the good guys left are Connery and Cage, we are treated to lots of showpieces — a gun battle that ends with a bad guy getting his head crushed by a hanging air conditioner, an improbable ride in metal hanging buckets, a show down between Hummel, now reluctant to actually kill 70,000 people and mercenaries he hired (see? Filthy lucre).

Of course, the two of the really bad guys get respectively shot in the chest with a rocket and one of the biochemical pearls shoved in his mouth and everyone wins.

Michael Bay might be a hack. He might be a genius. All I know is that The Rock is the Citizen Kane of a very specific genre of film and it will remain in my movie collection right next to Goodfellas, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Breathless, and Vertigo.

#I Like to Watch #The Rock