#i don't know how to hide. i genuinely cannot remember a time i was ever able to and i hate it so fucking much

[lovesickeros]

☆ glimpse of divinity

{☆} characters lyney, neuvillette [ separate ] {☆} notes cult au, drabble, gender neutral reader {☆} warnings none {☆} word count 0.8k

× neuvillette

The first time he sees you strolling the streets of Fontaine with a glint of wonder in your eyes, he thinks he must have finally lost it. He has to rub his eyes and check a few dozen times before he's certain that you are, in fact, real and not some figment of his imagination conjured by a lack of sleep and overdose on caffeine.

..Though now that he gets a better look, it's not quite the same. Like a smudged painting, he thinks. Still, the uncanny resemblance to the visage of the Divine One has him lingering around the area just to stare a little longer, a deep, devoted sense of affection bristling beneath his skin.

And then you turn sharply on your heel, staring directly back at him, and he feels a sudden wave of embarrassment and something akin to shame.

Archons, he'd just made a fool of himself, hadn't he?

He quickly turns away, clearing his throat and hiding his embarrassment behind his hand. Though it does not seem to deter you, the soft tap of your shoes growing closer until you were peering up at him with wide eyes.

"..Hello." He offers awkwardly, a little too stiff and a little too formal, but you don't seem to mind in the slightest. He knows that your appearance, your vague similarities to the Divine One are mere coincidence, but it does not stop his heart from skipping a beat when you smile up at him. "I– apologize for being so uncouth and staring, it's just.."

His voice trails off into a breathy exhale, his hand twitching on his cane as if he wanted to reach out and touch you..but he restrains himself in time. He could not make a bigger fool of himself – he would never hear the end of it from lady Furina.

"You remind me of someone."

He decides, readjusting his hands on his cane as he bows his head for a moment is a show of genuineness, though it must look awkward with how stiff his body feels.

Yet he cannot help but want to get closer anyway, to hear the silky lilt of your voice grace his pointed ears. This is as close as he will ever get to the Divine..he is a weak man, he finds, as he offers a hand to you.

"I understand if this is a bit..forward, but would you mind joining me for tea?"

× lyney

He is a master magician – his entire work is built on keen misdirection and sleight of hand, but even he stumbles for a minute thinking he'd seen an illusion in your warm smile and striking features. Almost an exact copy of the Divine One, yet not quite..

Still, it's enough to pique his interest – enough, too, to give him the confidence to slip into your conversation with ease, all smiles and the slip of a card between his fingers.

"Hello, stranger – I don't think I've seen you in Fontaine before," He laughs, his hand reaching around to rest gently on your opposite shoulder, his voice a ghost of a whisper in your ear. "Say, could I interest you in a bit of magic?"

He perks up at the way you seem to light up like fireworks at his offer, a spark almost like recognition in your eyes he brushes aside – he's quite well known, after all.

"Good! Now, if I may just borrow your attention for a minute.." He grins, stepping around you and turning sharply to face you, his hand outstretched with a deck of cards in his hands, face down. "Let's start simple, shall we? I shan't overwhelm my audience – pick a card."

He holds the cards out again, his features twisted in something like awe, though he hides it well.

His heart flutters at the briefest of glances of your hand against his as you pluck a card from his hand, and he quickly retracts it, reshuffling the deck with a broad grin and a wink.

"Do your best to remember it! If you could return it to the deck.." The card is placed back in it's place amongst the rest, and the magic begins!

"Now then, let's see..hm," He hums for a long moment, the silence filled by the constant shuffle of cards until he suddenly plucks one from the deck, flipping it around for you to see. "Is this your card?"

He frowns when you shake your head, almost pouting, before he lights up again and steps forward.

"Ah! How foolish of me, I missed it..it's riiight here, see." He winks, reaching behind your ear..and pulls free a card from seemingly thin air. He flips it around for you to see again, and when you tell him it is, in fact, your card, he flips it around again.

And before you can see it, he's holding a rainbow rose between his fingers, his hand outstretched as he bows.

His eyes glint with a sort of wonder as he looks at your features, his smile widening a fraction.

"Well, dear stranger? Did you enjoy the show?"

#sagau #genshin sagau #self aware genshin #genshin impact sagau #self aware genshin impact #fic tag #neuvillette #lyney #basically reader IS the creator but since the statues of you were built on vague descriptions its a bit off from your actual appearence #so everyone jsut thinks ur like #blessed or smth #anyway can u tell i love fontaine. #furina isn't here bc pt 2 of my prev fic somehow turned into focalors only and i need 2 save my brain power fr That #anyway enjoy these drabbles i wrote in like 5 minutes gn zzzzzzzzzzz #i just needed a breather from that long fic bc im DYING over here lord

[sexy-sapphic-sorcerer]

1: Magic is a Metaphor < 2: Morgana is a Lesbian < 3: Merlin is Gay < 4: Arthur is Bi

Do you remember when you were bullied in middle school? Because if you're reading this, I think it's fair to assume that you were. And your parents would say to you, 'that boy is just being mean to you because he likes you'. That's what this is.

Arthur is just so repressed. He has really bad daddy issues, and he doesn't know how to express his emotions, and he's really uncomfortable with physical intimacy, especially with other men, especially with Merlin. And this isn't me trying to psychoanalyse away his heterosexuality. It is a very evident part of his character.

And another big part of his character is that he has inherited all of these bigoted ideas about magic from his father that he has to work to overcome. Because, of course, Arthur himself is born of magic, but his dad is so ashamed of it that he hides the true circumstances of his birth from Arthur. Honestly, I don't know exactly how that would fit into this whole metaphor. I do have a half-formed theory that it could be interpreted as an allegory for intersex identity, I know that a lot of people headcanon Arthur as trans, so idk there could be something there. But regardless, it is only through his relationship with Merlin that he is able to overcome this magicphobia, because he realises: how could it be wrong when everything about Merlin is so right. And I just feel like there's a metaphor in there somewhere.

Of course, I have to mention this iconic quote from the audio commentary of the final episode: when the executive producer refers to Arthur taking off his royal seal to give back to Guinevere as passing over "the last vestige of his heterosexu- oh sorry, I mean his marriage." So, they knew exactly what they were doing.

I also thought I would just draw your attention to the fact that at one point Arthur says, "I only care about my men, they're more than friends, more than brothers." Now, I think we can all agree that out of context, that is a very gay thing to say, and yet somehow the context is even gayer, because Arthur is pretending to be talking about the Knights of the Round Table, but he's actually talking about Merlin, how Merlin is the only person he cares about, more than a friend. And then Merlin responds, "I understand. I wish I didn't, but I do." It's barely subtext at that point. This of course, brings me to my final argument:

Arthur risked his life to save Merlin at least eight times. It could be more than that, I genuinely lost count. And you have to keep in mind that Arthur is the King of Camelot and he doesn't have any heirs. It is quite important that he stays alive. And yet anytime that Merlin is in the slightest bit of danger, he will just drop everything to protect him.

And it's really only in those moments where he's faced with the thought of losing Merlin that he shows him genuine emotion. Such as in this scene (which was cut out of 4x02 purely because it was too gay) where Arthur is planning to sacrifice himself to protect Merlin, again, and he gives Merlin his mother's sigil, the only thing he has left of his dead mum and he wants Merlin to have it as something to remember him by. Also, apparently in medieval times giving someone your family crest was basically a marriage proposal, so that's pretty gay.

You know what else is pretty gay? Telepathically communicating with Merlin and then immediately leaving Gwen in the middle of an active war. This is literally the last time that Arthur and Gwen ever see each other. Poor Gwen.

In conclusion, Merlin is the story of gay sorcerers and bisexual knights getting into love triangles. Everyone in this show is queer and you cannot tell me otherwise.

#because I realise this is the first post you'll see on the dash: this is all taken directly from a tiktok I made over a year ago #my thoughts on this point especially have developed a bit since then. and this is written for a more entry-level tiktok audience #so it's very lukewarm takes to my fellow soldiers in the trenches #but I'm not expecting this to get much notice and idc/idk how to articulate my thoughts better so just take it for what it is #arthur pendragon #merthur #bbc merlin #merlin #merlin meta #the magic of metaphor

[krizariel]

"You need to stop this."

"What?" Tim said, taken aback

"You like me. I have noticed the way you look at me, the way your eyes linger when you think im not looking, how you try to advocate for me in front of Bruce or Dick. The way you always stick around. At first I thought you were just keeping an eye on me making sure I don't go batshit but I'm not an idiot. I know what that is like and you have a big fat crush."

Tim didn't assent or denied, he just stood there, unmoving.

"You need to find someone better. Someone who actually, genuinely, cares for you. I'm an asshole but I'm honest and I'm not one to play around with someone's feelings especially not someone I've come to genuinely respect. Right now, right here, I'm telling you: it's going nowhere. Deal with it however you need to and find someone worth your affections. I'm sure it's out there, it's just not me."

That was the last time Jason saw him.

…With his eyes open that is.

----

When he first heard the news, it hit harder then he let on. A mission with Batman went wrong and Tim was shot in the head. Although Bruce managed to take him to the hospital in time and he survived, he had fallen into a coma. As he stood there while Bruce reported the details, his words suddenly felt further and further until he couldn't hear anything. He didn't want this. Yet another Robin falling for the mission. But most importantly… he never got to make peace with him. Now the last thing he remember of Tim is his saddened eyes quickly turning blank and turning away. Maybe one time he had misplaced hate towards him but he doesn't feel any of it now. He had hurt him before; he didn't want to hurt him again. He thought letting him down fast and hard would be better for Tim… but maybe it was just better for himself. He could've done better but he didn't. So he did what he did when he feels he screwed up and he can't do anything about it: He focused on what he CAN do. The assholes who got Tim were still out there. They escaped while Bruce focused on saving Tim's life. So Jason didn't waste time. He knew Bruce would not rest until he found them so he offered his unsolicited assistance, with the caveat that he cannot refuse. "It's either this or I'll do it my way and we both know you'd prefer it if we do it your way."

(and so would Tim)

(If he was angrier and he broke a more bones than intended, no one said anything)

-----

At first he'd sneak during the night, seat at the further corner of the room, staring at Tim's hospital bed. The room ever so silent tormented him at first.

At first maybe it was torture. Maybe that was the reason why he'd come almost every night. Sometimes he'd doze off for an hour or two and then he'd head out the same way he came.

Later he decided… the least he could do is bring flowers. Maybe. It was too late to find a flower shop so he stole some gardenias he thought were pretty.

Another day he brought some white lilies because they seemed bright and somehow reminded him of Tim.

And so on, different kind of flowers made their way to Tim's bedside table.

(Jason finally found himself inside a flower shop almost at closing time, browsing flowers)

It finally hit him that he doesn't know what Tim's favorite flower is. He thought…that is something he would like to ask him when he wakes up.

Slowly, he found himself getting closer to the bed, keeping the flowers watered and seating in silence, just reading. Somehow knowing that Tim's heart was still beating was good enough. Months passed and this became his routine.

Sometimes, he'd just seat beside Tim's bed to tell him about his day; sometimes he'd read for him some of his own favorite stories (and wondered what did Tim like to read for leisure? what were his favorite books?)

Sometimes he's just have a shitass day and sneak around to Tim's room. No one ever thinks to look for him there. Great hiding place.

Sometimes he feels like talking about his past, his present and wistful future.

And sometimes he wonders if any of it reaches Tim's subconscious, somehow.

He started thinking about Tim opening his eyes. He is starting to forget how he looks awake, fighting or working. It is then that he decided to just loook for photos of Tim… just about any he could find in files or at the mansion. Alfred had quite a few, most of them were of younger Tim.

There were some others of older Tim in the news (Thank you Vicky!) And that brough him back to the last memory he has of Tim's bright blue eyes, clearly heartbroken.

And so he wonders if he could be given another chance to see him again.

If he was granted another chance, he promised this time he'd do anything to make him smile instead.

"Hey there, sleeping beauty." Jason greeted him as he bumped his forehead to Tim's. This close he could see those pretty eyelashes, pretty and still unmoving. But could also feel a bit of Tim's warmth and that was enough. He couldn't help himself and hopes Tim would forgive him for that.

It's been over a year, but Jason hopes. It finally happened, not long afterwards. Tim's eyes finally fluttered open.

"Who are you?"

Part 2 Part 3

#jaytim #jason todd #tim drake #red hood #red robin #was originally going to post this on jaytimweek amnesia #but didnt have time to finish haha #also partially inspired on recent comics were timmy was shot in the neck and bleeding #oh my poor boy #It has a happy ending but you know #i have to put it together #not fic

[enden-agolor]

I remember you saying something about lukas saving jesse from his own self destruction and ngl I really want to know more abt how lukas does that but it's a triggering topic sooo

(If you don't want to get into that then that's ok)

Oh dude.

It comes down to a multitude of things.

Firstly, Jesse's overworking. Being mayor of the now world renowned BeaconTown, he's got a LOT of things to handle. He has an entire town to run and defend when trouble makes itself known. He's absolutely overworked, and with it becoming a daily pattern, I can see how he'd end up just waking up, going to work, and coming home. Repeat. To the point where he has little to no time to do anything for himself and ends up sabotaging his life outside of work. It gets to the point where work is all he knows? But the thing is, it goes hand in hand with how much he truly loves BeaconTown. He fought for his life to get his town back, so I can see him feeling entitled to overworking, just for the sake of feeling reassured that his home is well maintained and protected. Though this can be a very self destructive habit that can ruin relationships and your own way of life, and I can absolutely see him doing that without realizing.

Second would be his title as hero. Feeling as though he's destined to always be at the head of battle because that was essentially what he was signed up to do from the very beginning. I think it would be very hard for him to leave the hero mindset behind and realize that he doesn't truly have to fight like he used to anymore. He doesn't have to put himself in constant danger. There's others that are willing to help him, and he's already been through sooo much, he absolutely deserves a break, but I don't think he will realize these things without someone telling him, since it's been all he's known for so long.

Third would be his physical appearance. Knowing he looks different from others and hating himself for it, and wishing he could once again feel what it's like to fit in with the people around him, but knowing it will forever be impossible so long as he carries all the scars of the past on his body. I think he's incredibly self conscious about these things, and hides them from others out of fear as to how he may be perceived. Feeling like he's ugly, and constantly comparing himself to others. Makes it hard to look in the mirror. Makes it especially hard to feel like he'll ever be loved, to the point where he dismisses those ideas entirely, pushing the idea of love and relationships into the back of his mind because he genuinely cannot see how anyone would love him for who he actually is and not for being just the big ol hero.

I covered all of these topics in one of my fics, and I'll basically give a quick run down as to how I think Lukas would help Jesse achieve a better lifestyle and get him out of these destructive tendencies.

My Recovery fic is basically about Jesse being forced out of commission because he's been horrifically injured, and having to adjust to not only being out of work, but being away from town. In the fic, he spends his time with Lukas at his home on the outskirts of BeaconTown while he recovers. He's forced to face the facts of his overworking, and the dangerous outlook he has on the Deep Dark (where he got attacked by the Warden) and basically wanting to go back down there because he fears that thing will somehow show up in town. Lukas is EXTREMELY against the idea, basically begging Jesse not to go back and listing all the reasons why he shouldn't, but Jesse being in the hero headspace, refuses to listen to him and sticks to the idea of going back and killing it, even though the Warden was this 🤏 close to killing him. But once again, he's putting his town before his own safety, and this is something that as the story progresses, Jesse eventually realizes is a horrible idea and starts to feel nervous about his decision.

Spending time with Lukas, and being away from work begins to make Jesse realize there is indeed more to life than just that. He begins to fear the idea of dying more and more as his relationship with Lukas closes in and he inevitably realizes he has romantic interest in him. This makes Jesse less willing to wanting to go back to the Deep Dark.

Because of his self destructive ways of thinking, Jesse was willing to die if it meant his town were at least safe. But Lukas absolutely changes his mind on that, and he realizes how badly he wants to live, AND to start making time for Lukas too. So after he recovers, and he and Lukas have gotten together, Jesse does begin to take days off for the sake of spending time with his boyfriend.

Lukas also uhh. Helps Jesse realize he's not ugly or disgusting and that his scars are in fact beautiful and that each one holds a story, but I'm not going to go into that here. 💀

There's a lot more to it but uhh giggle I haven't written those chapters yet so

#ask

[thegeminisage]

it IS tng update time. saturday we watched "relics" and "schisms" and last night* we did "true q" and "rascals."

*times altered bc as usual im typing this up late at night

relics:

oh boy. ohhh my god

so like, i'd like to preface this with: i am not a scotty stan or anything. don't get me wrong i love the guy and i'm fascinated by the way he tricked me into thinking he had all ten fingers. like he's v fun and all. but im not like Extremely Emotionally Invested In Scotty. all right. that said

I CRIED. LIKE A BABY. no one was more shocked than i was. actually i'm sure catherine was not shocked at all

i didn't cry when he first showed up which is what i suaully do when i see spock. no, no, no, no. it was when he went to the holodeck and created the fucking BRIDGE OF THE ENTERPRISE. and they played the main theme!!! the sound effects were even the same!!!!!!! and like all his friends are dead now except spock and bones and bones frankly has one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel!!!!!!!! I'VE NEVER BEEN SO UPSET IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

chronologically, this is also the last time we'll ever see a tos cast member coming back to reprise their role except for aos spock and um. an appearance which i do not wish to discuss now or ever. anyway it's definitely the last time in tng proper. and like yeah we have aos and snw and everything but those guys arent the OGs. AUGH.

also wah him saying the doctors are prettier on this enterprise. thats SO MEAN TO BONES………………….i miss him so bad and he's WAY prettier than beverly sorry beverly

i definitely wanted to kill geordi for yelling at scotty when he tried to tell his old man stories. im glad they hung out for the rest of the episode and that geordi treated him really niceys but it still felt a teensy bit patronizing of him at first like he was just doing it because picard told him to make scotty feel useful

THAT SAID. for once, i am pro picard, because picard is a giant nerd and he wanted to listen to scotty's old man stories as much as i did. not that i got to enjoy them while being blinded by tears. i'm actually genuinely tearing up right now while typing this just thinking about it. i think it was genuinely compassionate for picard to want to give scotty something he could genuinely help with in a way that WASN'T patronizing. like old people are just regular people you know. we all get old one day if we're lucky

spotted scotty's missing finger twice, which is two more times than i spotted it in my original watch of tos.

he remembered how to hide the missing finger (mostly) but forgot how to do his fake scottish accent. in his defense it's been ages and he was old but it was still funny

synthehol is wack. it's just another way in which there's no work-life boundary in tng. you're always on call, so you can never get drunk. you will NEVER have personal time aboard this ship. they can call you in your son's parent-teacher meeting. they can call you during birthday parties. you cannot raise your children here. but they do. anyway.

IT'S GREEN!!! i remember seeing a gifset of data floating around saying that to somebody, and then later i saw a gifset of scotty saying it in tos, but i didn't realize data was talking TO SOCTTY i thought it was just a reference!!!!!!! there were actually sooo many tos references in this episode, i was so pleased to hav caught them all <3

looooooved the dyson sphere. that was genuinely so fucking fascinating and it was the b plot!!!!! why can't it be the a plot!!!! it was so cool looking

i thot for a sec they were gonna kill scotty at the end and got REALLY worried but they didn't and he decided not to retire after all and good for him <3

anyway. that cry felt like a full-body workout. horrific.

schisms:

OFF GOES RIKER TO THE COFFEE SHOP

i waited so long to see the episode that gifset is from and it did NOT disappoint

my one sour note re: this ep was the beginning with data's poetry. can we please be nice to him and not loudly fall asleep in the front row. i know the circumstances are highly extenuating. i of all people understand sleep deprivation, which i am currently experiencing even as i type. but that was just rude!!! could he not have simply explained he was unwell and unable to attend!!!!!!! the crowd being restless was terrible. if you simply tell him that he has to have a limit on his poems he would understand. i'm glad geordi was an honest critic when data asked later but i would have liked to see data's results after incorporating his feedback. ok anyway

firstly, i loved when a little guy is sleep deprived. it was great when sam winchester did it and also great when riker does it

SECONDLY, that whole sequence with the table was fucking insane. everything getting darker and darker both literally and metaphorically and deanna starting to look uneasy near the end and riker's eyes being ABSOLUTELY HAUNTED and that table was basically like a chair, anyway

when they were like "yeah the aliens cut off your arm and reattached it" READER I HOLLERED. you can't just put a guy on a chair and tear his arm off and then make him forget stuff. please. it's been nearly 10 years.

when he's like theyre gonna take me again whether i want them to or not. yeah man they sure are. this isn't quite riker roulette but it is definitely adjacent

i think the best cure for insomnia is to be absolutely terrified of going to bed because you're still in uniform and have a tracking device on you because you are about to get abducted by fucking aliens. who could resist sleep after that.

i did wonder why he laid on the table so long before attempting his escape when time was precious but i doubt i could have done any better in his shoes. i sure did love the way that knife thing hung right above his neck though. i'm pretty sure we spent that entire scene hollering DISMEMBER HIM. TRAUMATIZE HIM!! and then they didn't <3 but i'm not even mad about it

anyway. 10/10 episode they need more space horror in star trek bc it's always fun. i remember reading that tos was originally meant to be space horror-y, but i found the pacing of those earliest episodes waaaay too slow. i want a star trek show with more dismemberment though.

true q:

mistakenly thot this episode was named qpid (got it mixed up) and was hoping for more of q wanting to fuck picard to so bad it makes him look stupid but all we got was one little arm around his shoulder. which was REALLLY funny because picard instantly made a face like he'd eaten sour lemon but we deserved more. to reiterate i do NOT want them to fuck i think the dynamic of q wanting to fuck and picard preferring to die first is the funniest possible set of circumstances

instead, q constantly displays predatory body language towards this EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL. he leans really close to her and whispers in her ear and all that stuff and i did Not like it

i kept waiting for this girl to secretly be his child, or for her parents to have once been friends with him, but they literally were just randos to each other. disappointing, especially after he vanished while she was having her emotional moment on seeing their faces

where do the puppies go when she vanishes them? do they cease to exist?? did she just kill 12 puppies on screen???? too horrible to contemplate. i wish i could make kittens out of thin air though. actually that would be a terrible power the world is overpopulated with kittens as it is but STILL.

i want to know more about the weather altering net. we could have an entire episode about that alone. you just...got rid of tornadoes? and forest fires? did you fix climate change??

riker almost being killed by an empty barrel sent me into fits. they didn't strap them down after what happened to worf? this spaceship gets jostled horrifically EVERY EPISODE. what are they thinking!!!!!!!!!

RIKER ROULETTE STRIKES AGAIN. her bringing him to the alternate dimension and trying to lay on the moves was bad enough but using her powers to MAKE HIM START KISSING HER? HELLO???? i'm still mad they wrote an episode about rape and just used it for deanna fetish fuel instead of actually discussing what this poor guy goes through. why is it somehow ok/not noteworthy when it's men. come on now

it was kind of silly to have this girl go "no way im a human forever" and then immediately solve climate change on this other planet because her lil crush (/VICTIM???) was down there. like that was so rushed and weird

ultimately not a very good episode. i only like one thing about q and they did NOT deliver. he was also a misogynist to beverly once...like, die

rascals:

this got a 1 on letswatchstartrek.com and i simply disagree. i would have given it a 2 or mmmaybe 3. well no probably a 2 but STILL. first of all, tng's children are ALWAYS charming, and these guys were no exception, save possibly the kid who was playing picard, who was fine until the tantrum scene/riker's son bit, at which point i wanted to die

i never want to hear riker say daddy again.

i HAAAATE the ferengi theyre racist theyre misogynist i HATE THEM.

i felt like there was a missed opportunity with obrien and keiko to have him be cool about it, instead of awkward like everyone else. like i obviously dont think they should be canoodling or anything, gross, but there's nothing wrong with a little platonic compassion. he got there in the end ig but idk it would've made a nice contrast

how old is their fucking baby??? i just looked it up and she was born at the beginning of season 5...her ass is NOT old enough to be talking yet let alone full complete clear sentences??????

anyway speaking of compassion............GUINAN AND RO

i actually unironically loved ro's little arc here. anyone who had a shitty childhood will tell you they'd cut off their arm before going back, but she had to go back anyway, and guinan neither pitied her nor minimized anything she'd gone through. instead she got to occupy that space in a totally harmless way and receive a little closure. while the rest of this episode was okay-ish to maybe less than okayish (i NEVER want to hear riker say daddy EVER again) ro's little bit was so so so good.

re: ro...i love that we don't constantly bring her past and situation up as if it's the only thing about her but nor do we shy away from it and how it's shaped her and the narrative has never once suggested she's too harsh or too angry or whatever. of course with a season and a half left there's still time to ruin it but so far her whole thing has been one of the very few instances where tng is doing everything wonderfully.

NEXT TIME: "a fistful of datas" (noooo it's a holodeck episode) and "the quality of life."

#personal #star trek blogging #tng lb #i hope im not at work when this posts but u never know.

[0dotexe]

I'm really feeling some 𝔽𝔼𝔼𝕃𝕀ℕ𝔾𝕊 tonight and I thought I'd share something from my past that haunts me still.

It has been 18 years since my best friend died, and the memory haunts me. TW for animal death, bullying, family nonsense, the works.

This is gonna get long, I'm sorry.

Some background

Be me, a 13 y/o kid with autism going through the ringer in a catholic school. I have no friends, and most of the kids either bully me or avoid me. I was used to it at that point, but I longed for a friend for so long. I thought I could make some from extracurricular stuff like soccer or the scouts, but I just had this air to me that drove people away.

"Fine" I thought, "who needs friends anyways?" as I continue to try my best to survive.

The summer before the semester began I went to a scout camp that lasted a week. I was far from home and could usually do activities I enjoyed without being forced to socialize much. As my mom picks me up and we go to the peach festival in a town nearby she says there's a surprise for me at home. I cannot guess for the life of me what could be so surprising.

So we get home, technically my grandparents place. I'm greeted with something that genuinely makes the most excited I'll probably ever be in my life. We had cats in the backyard. A momma cat decided our place was suitable and let her kittens hide under a shed.

I immediately go outside and try to see the cats. The momma is surprisingly social but the kittens aren't, obviously. No big deal. I read about this in my giant cat book. I just need to get their trust.

Momma cat (Dyemond) had four kittens. Rocky Road, Cloud, Sprinkles, and Little D. These cats basically took over my life that summer. Grandpa set out a trap, captured Little D, and took him inside so we could give him food and I could socialize with him. His name basically was inspired by a white diamond on his back. Nothing too deep. But anyways.

I literally sit there for hours talking to him, giving him food (his favourite was ice cream), making him comfortable, until he isn't scared anymore. Unfortunately, my grandparents were apprehensive of letting cats stay inside (one part because they're hoarders, one part they didn't have the supplies to house him) so at the end of the day, we'd just let him go back outside. Stupid in hindsight, but I was a kid. I didn't know any better.

One day, I get back home from another grueling day at catholic school. At this point we don't have to trap Little D to have him be comfortable coming up to me, but something is off. He's not as energetic as he normally is, he's not purring, he looks banged up but that's just how cats are, right?

I raise my concerns with my family. Practically begging them to take him to the vet. I do this every fucking day until they finally do on a Friday. I raised this concern a week ago, and they're only JUST NOW getting to it? "Fine, whatever, so long as he's going to get better."

He was taken to the vet in the morning, and I was picked up from school the same afternoon, asking my mom, "What happened? Is Little D okay? What did the vet say?"

I can tell that my mom doesn't want to answer the questions I'm asking but I'm pestering her about it so she finally says, "He has cancer." Thinking I'll leave it at that. No the fuck I won't, I keep prying.

"Oh, so he just needs some medicine to feel better, right? Like chemo or something?"

"He's dead, [REDACTED]." is the last thing I remember hearing my mom say. The weekend following I remember literally nothing. I cannot for the life of me find a single memory of what I did. I asked my family to how I was during that time and they just said, "You didn't say or do anything." I believe this is the point in which my depression started and no one can tell me otherwise.

So, I need to bring up this guy

His name throughout this memory will be called S. I hate him, but I do respect people's privacy. So S was a new student that semester, and he made it his perogative to make my life a living hell. I'm sure he was a bully to everyone else too, but sometimes I feel like he singled me out more often than not. I was an easy target, because no one stood up for me.

S was the kind of guy who once he knew what pushed your buttons, he pushed all of them at once to see what reaction you'd have, and then push them once more for good measure. Even though his bullying affected me a bit, nothing hit me as hard as the day I come back to class after mourning (and still mourning) my only friend.

I was in a religion class (forced onto the curriculum, but I almost never paid attention unless Veggietales was playing, but I digress) and the teacher assigned homework over the weekend. Understandably, I didn't do it. I couldn't hand over my book, open to the page and it's blank. He asks me why I didn't do my homework, so I tell him the truth, "My cat died, I'm sorry." he quiets his voice and apologises, and gives me an opportunity to turn it in next class. I thank him quietly and go back to my desk.

But S had other plans. Oh, of course he did. He eavesdropped on the conversation, trying to find more bait to pester me with. This information seemed to be a goldmine for him as he stands up and yells, "Hey everyone! [REDACTED]'s cat died!"

The world around me stops. I hear a mix of laughter but also some "Dude what the heck" but I don't do anything other than lay my head on my desk, sobbing quietly. The teacher berates him, but he's not sent to the office.

S wasn't expelled until months later, when he called a crush of mine gay. That's neither here nor there, but I do find it kinda funny that, THAT was the defining moment for his expulsion from catholic school. Stay classy, catholics. I remember the day too because when I heard the announcement on the speaker; I almost fell out of my chair and just said out loud, "Thank god. I'm finally free. He's finally gone." Crying of course.

This memory haunts me, for a variety of reasons.

It's up there on one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. It's probably also one of the reasons I left the catholic faith because if someone like him can be a catholic, who else out there could hurt me?

A few years after mourning him, my mom seems annoyed at me, she says to me, "[REDACTED], Sometimes I wish I never told you he died. You just can't seem to get over it. He's just a cat, move on."

He wasn't "Just a cat" he was Little D. He was my best friend. He was euthanized. I wasn't there to comfort him. He loved ice cream. His purr was so loud it could cause an earthquake. I couldn't get him to the vet fast enough. He died. He fucking died. We buried him in the backyard, and I'm just supposed to "get over" that?

We had kept two of the other litter mates and got them to the vet immediately after this incident. Rocky Road and Cloud. Sprinkles just fucked off and was never seen again.

Those two are dead now too (they both lived for about 15 years), any connection I have to that part of my past is now gone. It hurts. It fucking hurts.

I'm sad everytime I think about this. I had to learn as a child to mourn in a way that makes it very hard to express my emotions. When I was at my grandpa's funeral, I couldn't cry. I had to cry in a locked room away from everyone else. My emotions weren't valuable or permitted to express to my family when I was truly suffering, so why show it then?

I don't know how to end this. If this helped you in some way, great. But just know this will never leave me. I can't "get over" it. Almost two decades later and I just can't get it out of my mind.

I'm sorry, Little D. I miss you.

⬖.Exe

#exe talkz #on trauma #wow what a surprise #animal death #bullying #ex catholic #catholic school #emotional neglect #Wew it's a doozy #I wrote this last year but it still stands

[hythlodaeus-mynewoldfriend]

A small, gray box wrapped in a purple bow sits atop the doorstep. Inside are a few small items — some polish for a gunblade? A set of bottles to hold various cosmetic goods within, some shiny polished shells, and various assorted decorated cookies. Happy Starlight!

"What's all this?" Siberite asks looking the box over and a small shake, "Starlight gift? But why is it so late?"

"You realize a lot of places in Eorzea close for a few days during Starlight, right," Thancred says with a chuckle, wrapping his arms around her to rest his chin on her head.

"Well its not like there was ever much time to stop and celebrate," she grumbles before waving away the notion, "I also cannot be expected to know all cultural details of Eorzea seeing as I didn't grow up there." He gives a playful roll of his eyes as she turns the slip of paper attached to the bow over, "From Saint Nymeia. I don't recognize the handwriting though."

"So it must be from the Saint themself."

She shakes her head pulling the bow free, eyes widening at the contents inside. "Cookies! And decorated so well," she holds up a white snowflake that sparkles from its pearl dusted sugar, "Well we have to find a place to hide these lest my parents claim them, for it is 'unhealthy' for a Lady like myself to have." She hands the plate to Thancred, who takes it and sits on her bed sorting them between the two, "Let's see, oh there's something here for you! At least I'm fairly certain it is." She holds the bottle up watching the viscous liquid move down the bottle, "I think it must be handmade due to its lack of a label."

With a cookie stuffed in his mouth does he take it, popping the cork free to sniff its contents, "Oh this is some genuine polish. Comes from Bozja or at least the method does."

"And that's where the gunblade technique began, if I remember correctly." Thancred nods, searching for his bag, "Perfect timing seeing as you just ran out the other day. Let's see what else-. Oh! How perfect!" Siberite smiles holding up a small pack of bottles, "I have been needing something smaller to keep my make up in. Make everyone else stop complaining about how much space my current ones take up."

"I never complained."

"Not only that it would be much easier for the shops we visit to fill these than the other ones."

"Wouldn't their smaller size mean that we'd have to stop more often?"

"And?" He raises a brow, "Oh how tragic we get to see more market places that I would have wanted to visit anyway. You know there's a lot you can learn about a culture from their beauty routines."

"Twelve help us when you have to convince Estinien of such things." He glances down into the box at the last gift of polished shells, "Oh those are pretty."

She picks up a pink one turning it over in her hand, "They are! A little impractical as they are, but I saw a stand that had jewelry made of shells, maybe they can help in making them into some necklaces and charms." She lays them out on the bed, "They match up nicely with one another and there are enough that I think maybe we could make three matching ones."

"Three?"

"Mhm. One for you, me, and then take one to Ryne....after I see if they're from anywhere more specific." She smiles up at Thancred, "What do you think?"

He returns the smile with a soft one of his own, kissing her cheek, "I think that sounds like a wonderful idea."

#sorry this is late! I was also unsure how to best answer this so I hope this was okay! #Thank you very much you really got some things my girl would love! #siberite akagane oc #x: lover you are pure light #my writing

[rare-and-beautiful-things]

HC about

Enemies to lovers with the union guys 😭🙏

(You can do other characters in Weak hero, up to ya)

hiii! I'm so sorry I'm answering so late and, well, so little. but i felt like writing something and had a bit of time to do it for the first time in a while, so... yknow, i thought a little something is better than nothing, lol. ahhh and i kind of thought these asks fit really well together, so here we are i guess :) also I'm not sure if it can be described as enemies to lovers, cuz it's a very slowburn trope, so it's more like enemies to... something? I'd love to do more characters sometime, but i cannot imagine when lol. ah and thank you so much for sending an ask with one of my favourite tropes! wishing all of you a nice day 💙💙💙

Enemies to lovers

(Dongha Baek, Wolf Keum)

Dongha Baek

it doesn't start with outright enemies, not really. dongha hears of you first and cannot help but imagine how fun it would be to put you in your place, to see that calm and collected look vanish from your face, changing to anguish, humiliation, fear.

you're a rich kid. you don't need to flaunt it around for him to notice your clothes, casually expensive, either famous brands or handmade eco stuff, to notice your calm demeanor, the nicest perfume he ever got to inhale, the easy way you pay for shit - not looking at the price tag, never haggling, never getting off your high horse.

he hates people like you. what the fuck are you even doing in that got forsaken gang of losers? that's what he'd asked, if he didn't know for sure. you're simply enjoying playing with other people, flaunting your money around, looking down on shitheads ready to do anything to acquire the kind of power you were blessed with from birth.

how he'd love to remind you of your place. sure, you're rich, but he knows from experience how weak rich people truly are. how easily they break, how easily they start trying to buy you, to buy their dignity back with their money. perhaps he should let himself be bought this time, after he gets his fun. then he can play with you again later.

your gang was at the unions throat for a while now, and the fact that you still weren't destroyed was telling. it was telling one thing to most people, but the thing it was telling to dongha baek was: you sorely need to be reminded of your place.

it started like many gang fights do. a bit of shit talking, hands in their pockets, eyes gleaming with malice and mischief. you were in this business for enough time to know where it was going, and while dongha was talking you were silently getting ready.

his first swing was expected, so was the second. he wasn't entirely easy to read, but there was something else - some recklessness, wildness to his moves that set you on edge. he also laughed - all the time. startled laughter when you almost got him, raspy chuckle when you did get him, high pitched ringing laughter when it was you groaning in pain and not him. he was constantly mocking at first, the neverending shit talk, but as the fight continued, there were less and less words.

you were weird. there was something about your eyes, something about your bloody smile that didn't add up with everything he's seen of you till now. there was some hunger in you, some spite buried deep behind your polite smile. some genuine, impossible to fake strength. power.

there wasn't a clear winner that day, and you remember talking shit to each other lying on cold concrete with no strength to get up. you think it was fun and then you think you must've hit your head.

you sure start to see each other more often after that. in the streets, when you're going around for business and when you're resting. he's always trying to get you angry, to start some shit, and sometimes you deflect with polite phrases hiding a biting insult under the surface, sometimes you end up fighting it out.

it's stupid. you feel stupid every time you meet him, like some part of your brain - the reasonable, calm, smart part - shuts off when you see his shit eating grin. you're letting yourself get angry. you're letting yourself get reckless.

you should stop.

you seek him out yourself, ready to put an end to this nonsense. you start it this time, for the first time in forever. he's laughing and talking shit again, and you let it get under your skin despite yourself.

you scream for the first time in forever. it's an ungodly, impolite, weird, embarrassing sound. it's loud and wild. you're screaming and kicking and biting like an animal, because you're furious at that bastard, that pathetic fiend, and you are - you'd let him get under your skin - and you are - in love.

you think it, and it's ringing so terribly final in your head you start laughing.

dongha finally understands, and he laughs with you.

Wolf Keum

you're everything wolf has ever hated. a weak loser acting tough until it's time to get behind your words, to prove yourself. a small time criminal, freelancer on the dark side, kissing Donald's ass right after sweet-talking the union's enemies into a nice deal. two-faced liar and a coward.

wolf cannot help himself when he sees you. how can you act so confident, how can you run your fucking mouth so smoothly when you know - by experience - how it feels to be completely broken down?

by him, nonetheless.

you were (supposed to be) just another one of wolf's many victims. just another one lying before him, all bloody and broken, bloody mouth, broken breath, broken bones for sure, red and beneath the red - yellow and rose blooming into majestic purple. swollen face, swollen hands.

you were - all broken. but you were not - just another one.

you never stopped. you never let what was done to you stop you, you never even truly changed your tactics. you knew no shame. it was so disgusting, so infuriating to wolf that at some point it started to be fun.

every time he needed to do business with you he couldn't pass the chance to play. to remind you: you are weak. worthless. he could tear you up right then and there, and there'd be nothing you could do to stop him.

sometimes it was mild humiliation. some talking down, "remember what fun we had together?", "wanna repeat?", spit on your shoulder, sometimes on your face. other times he's more hands on: grabbing you by the collar of your shirt, snarling in your face, "perhaps i should bite your lips off. would be hard lying without them". and then there are times when he makes you hold his glasses and - "come on. stare at me like you did just now. don't you dare looking away from me, you dipshit" - puts his hand on your throat and squeezes.

you deal with a lot of assholes. it's basically the job description. but none of those other assholes are wolf keum. you've learned to be cold and hard and perfectly smooth like a pebble in the river. do not give a reaction. do not stop smiling. do not take sides. do not go down. do not - the list goes on. you have to be perfect. you have to survive.

wolf never fails to remind you how far from perfect you actually are.

you do not give him any reaction you are able to mask or subdue. it's never anything more than the slightest shiver, the smallest tick - but that's enough. wolf looks intently, and he sees. he grins like a mad dog that needs to be put down.

you do not go after him yourself. you're not that stupid, or brave, or self-assured. no, you do what you do best - you talk to people, you make deals, you exchange one favour for another, until it all falls into place.

you make other people go after him. the strongest guys you were able to talk into it from all over Seoul. all of it, except for the yeongdeungpo. they go, and you wait anxious and excited for the results. when there's finally a phonecall, you take it immediately.

then you hear his voice. it's gruff and low. it says "stay where you are. we'll meet soon enough".

he sends you the photos before coming, before you're able to decide what to do. the photos are shaky and bloody and your stomach turns when you look at them.

and then comes wolf. he's bloody and beaten too, perhaps even more than the guys on the photos, but you know him and he knows you know him: he's a fucking zombie, and he won't let his current condition stop him.

he also knows you. he knows that slightest shiver, that smallest tick. he knows what to expect, he readies himself for your blabbering, for your fucking lies - but you don't open your mouth. not this time.

you ready your fists, and wolf chokes on his laughter. he seems excited, indignant, startled. tired. he's beaten down - but you know that if he grabs you it will be the end. if the punch goes through - it will hurt. so you don't let him grab you or hit you for as long as you can. you find a wire and wrap it around his throat, ready to kill. he grabs you then. he punches you, and it seems you forgot how much it could hurt. it's terrible. you do not let go of the wire though, and the punches become rarer and weaker and then they stop.

wolf doesn't talk to you after that. he lets his minions do his business, and you don't see him for weeks. until suddenly you do.

you prepare for the worst, but he doesn't make a move aside from dragging a cig to and from his lips, inhaling and exhaling the smoke. watching you watching him. there's something new in his eyes - something different from the familiar sick amusement and rage and boredom. something softer, gentler - not like plush or clouds, but like a green sprout only starting to grow, easy to destroy, to kill.

you take a step in his direction, then another one, and another, until you're standing side by side. close. too close. when wolf offers you a cigarette, you take it before you think better. the cigarette is way too strong and bitter, and yet somehow you do not mind.

#weak hero #headcanons #weakhero webtoon #wolf keum #dongha baek #weak hero x reader

[the-trinket-witch]

Practically Perfect Vignette: Azul

(CW: talks of self image, low self esteem. Debatably OOC, but The ending is a set up for down the road.)

"I'm-I have to apologize, for sending those two out to interrogate you," Azul finally admitted, one day. "It was…unprofessional of me. I didn't know when a good time to say this would be but I am. I didn't trust that you were being genuine in wanting to actually be friends." It had been a long time since he had found it difficult to form words. "Thank you for proving your sincerity."

"I understand. If you've grown up on that proposition only ever being some cruel prank, who wouldn't want to make absolutely sure? I told those two, while you had…Overblotted: having that info itself wasn't the issue. To be honest, it just means I don't have to explain anything. I will have to catch up, myself, for us to equally know each other. I’m a bit at a disadvantage since you know more than me. No, my issue was just…how," Albert replied. He shivered at the memory.

The two had finished class, and had planned to spend the rest of the day with each other, their conversation carrying them wherever. It ended up with the two treading over towards Octavinelle and its sights from under the sea. 

"Jade's Shock the Heart: it's proven to be rather effective at extracting information. Of course," Azul turned towards Al with a teasing smile and a nudge, "the overly cautious and strong willed are in no danger of falling for it."

Albert's eyes narrowed, his cheeks puffed in annoyance. "We'll gets ya ta talk, Mista Eastwind, see? We gots ways of makin' ya talk," he replied in a mock-mobster tone, referencing a film he couldn't remember the title of. It incited a quick burst from Azul as they both made a seat on one of the benches in the hallway. But then, Albert seemed to deflate, "Can't really say it was a pleasant experience."

The answer brought Azul pause, brow knitting in concern. "It's not…supposed to hurt."

"No, no, it didn't physically, it's just… I don't like having control over myself taken from me. It felt like… those dreams where you fall or drowning, or a crash, and you know eventually you’ll have to impact, but that awful anticipation of when," Albert had turned his gaze to the nautical life floating by with a thud of his head against the glass. "They've probably told you already but: there's been one too many times in my life where things had gotten out of hand in the worst of ways. I don't think I can really help it anymore, trying to keep things in set parameters, or trying to think of every angle-"

"-Possible to make sure as little goes wrong as it can," Azul finished. "I know what you mean about that. My contracts are proof enough of that. Physical evidence with all the terms and conditions laid out." He let out another chuff, a smile in his voice, "And yet…"

"And yet it could all be laid to ruin with just one oversight. My apologies, again. Granted, I'd have liked to have had a place to go home to, once I was out of the infirmary," Albert finished in turn. "I think we both can still learn a little from each other about trust and control."

"Speaking of, I think I need to cut our time short-the change in weather has been so dry, I'll need to go for a quick swim to keep hydrated. I'm sure Floyd and Jade have made time to go, themselves. It'll be about an hour and I can meet back up with you in the cafeteria."

"If you're only going to be that long-would you mind if I came with? It's a little late for me to grab my swimming gear but we can still chat by the poolside," Al offered.

Azul made a poor attempt in hiding the hesitance on his face, "You don't have to; I'd actually rather you didn't. You said so yourself, 'you don't have your swimming gear'. I’d…I don't think you’d want to see," he motioned at himself with disgust. "Besides, it's only an hour."

"Have you already forgotten?" Albert smiled, "I've seen you at your literal worst. What you look like without all that blot cannot be any worse. Can I offer a promise that I won't say anything about it the entire time?" He extended a pinky with the offer. 

"I think that might be too much of a promise to keep, even for you. Keep turned around, if you absolutely insist. But, if you happen to see, I ask you have something prepared to trade. Something I don't already know about you," Azul mimicked his friend's gesture. 

"Deal." The two connected, making their pact, before heading out. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The two of them retreated to Azul's room, to the pool leading out into the surrounding ocean. It was still interesting to Al that some of Octavinelle’s dorm rooms were equipped with such. Of course it made things more comfortably private. Albert took to turning his back to allow his friend privacy while changing. He took the opportunity, himself, to take off his jacket and shoes. The sound of water being disturbed was his cue that his classmate hadn't immediately retreated. 

 Azul's head was all that breached the surface, his skin now pale grey. A dusting of purple crossed his cheeks; his attention he couldn't settle between Albert sitting off poolside or some random piece of tile. Part of him was regretting the offer anyway, but some miniscule ember burned inside. Something that wanted to be seen; maybe it was the desire to learn more about Albert? Would that new information be worth showing his natural form? He wasn't a fan of being in such a position, having to look up towards someone, even if he was proportionately larger than them.

"You don't have to sit all the way over there. I've already completed my homework if you need someone to go over yours," He sighed.

Albert almost didn't hear it with how dry the cecaelia's voice was; it was if water was the preferred medium for it to travel. The human was willing to accommodate, though, as the book snapped shut and Al shuffled back towards the edge. Azul watched him open the book and lay it beside him with an almost expectant look. The mer swallowed his anxiety and reached out to try grabbing the homework. His grip was stiff as he caught Al's eyes inevitably wander from his black and grey hand all the way back to his face. Azul froze. His skin prickled into spines with a dreaded anticipation. This is it-he's going to start laughing or running in terror. All Albert did, though, was prostrate at the edge of the water, dropping to almost eye level with Azul. A purple heat washed over the mer's face when he saw Albert's expression.

It was hard for Al to contain his emotions; he wasn't sure whether his face gave away his fascination? Adoration? Awe? 

"Oh wow. You look incredible. Is…is that bioluminescence? Do you have 3 hearts, then? Does each tentacle have independent thought? Do they get confusing? How-" Albert caught himself, having already rattled off so many questions. He smacked his head into the tile to hide an embarrassed shade across his own cheeks.  "That was beyond rude of me. I'm terribly sorry. You're not a damn zoo exhibit. Forgive me-it's just…Please don't take this wrong but…you look absolutely fascinating." 

As the last of his words fell out, his face only grew hotter. He groaned into the tile, hiding his head in his elbows with shame. He whipped his head back up, though, at the sound of Azul laughing.

 It was humorless, faint and dry as the rest of his voice. He hoisted his torso further out of the water, resting his head in his hands. His change in position only put more of his lower half on display. Indeed he had morphed to about twice his size, each aspect still proportionate to his smaller human frame. Even so, such a scale would make most folks feel small in comparison to the length of the 8 dark appendages floating behind him.

"Am I to assume this as an earnest attempt at flattery or an elaborate attempt at cruelty?" He whispered with a preemptive tinge of venom. "Well, here I am in all my chubby, awkward horror." His expression seemed braced for impact. He didn't expect the face Albert was making: frustration and hurt. "What?"

"I can't change how you see yourself, but dammitall, Azul Ashengrotto. Don't just dismiss me like that,” Al didn’t mean to sound like a scolding parent, even if his frustration forced words out before he could think. “Sorry-but now I have to wonder who told you that, for it to stick with you all these years. Because, since I have to spell it out: No, you're not awkward, or horrific. I’m not here to pity you, you don’t need it. I'm being genuine when I say you’re none of those, certainly aren't 'chubby'. Even if you were, then, hell, by that metric so would I. You have 8 extra limbs to account for, so that's quite a bit unfair to yourself."

Albert rolled onto his back and began rolling up his sleeves and pants in a huff. His look of frustration didn't lift as he fiddled with a few buttons and took his glasses off before laying back down. 

"What are you doing?" Azul had to distract himself from that creeping flutter in his gut. Something twisting at such an aggressive rejection to his personal description.

"Keeping my end of our deal. And showing you I'm not talking out one side of my face."

He thrust his legs up with a grunt, throwing himself backwards into the drink. Azul sank down to accompany him as he fidgeted with the last of his shirt buttons. Albert threw his shirt open for Azul to see. He pointed sharply at his soft torso and bound chest. Azul floated in, curious about the article underneath. They sat suspended as one put the pieces of the other mentally together. Albert locked hands with him to bring him back to the surface once the need for air called. He floated back towards the poolside to grab his glasses and brush back his now wet hair.

"There. Behold: Albert Eastwind in all his soft, feminine ‘glory’. I’ve told you I don’t like lying, because I wasn’t when I said I understood you. I know that exact feeling; looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing something completely different from what everyone else does. But you feel like you’re the only one who can see the truth."

Azul stared for a moment more. A pained sadness washed over his friend’s face. Something inside him tore; he’d never had someone sit in such a similar position as him, at least, that they were willing to admit. He also never had someone so aggressively refuse all of the negative aspects he’d internalized. A feigned smile cracked on his face.

"I'd say this was a fair trade. I actually wasn't expecting that out of you, Albert…Thank you."

"Well, since you've laid yourself out for me to see, I guess I figured I'd get this over with early," Al sighed. "I'd imagine most at least have heard of this form of you," Al gestured to the mer's being. "But outside of you, no one else knows about this." His hand retreated back to his own form. "I hope it's sufficient as something for your backpocket. I mean, our agreement didn't specify you had to keep our conversation secret."

"It didn't," Azul answered. His smile wavered at the bite of Albert’s assumption, but he steeled his resolve, "but we're also doing this in confidence as…associates." The word friend still felt too foreign on his tongue to use. He feigned offense with a return of his grin, “To think you would think so lowly of me, of all people, who’s been only gracious since we’ve met~” The thick sarcasm instilled a quick chuckle out of both of them. “It isn’t going to change your enrollment, not your grades, nor your accomplishments thus far. Not much right now as anything I could use 'against' you.”

“Thank you. Just…thank you,” Albert sighed. “I had a lot of time to myself to figure out who I really was. I can’t say I’d want to do it over again if given the chance, but it’s hard to imagine who I might be today if things were different.”

“And I am who I am today…because of this. All the teasing, the name calling, the isolation…because of this damn form of mine. And nothing can change that," The memories soured his mood as he retreated inward. Azul undulated around the rim of the pool, in a manner Al would have likened to pacing. "And yet here you are. Not teasing, calling names, but even enjoy seeing this? You do see why it's so difficult to accept that, don't you? What I wouldn’t have given to have had something, someone like that, growing up. But again, there’s no changing the past."

Albert sat quiet along the poolside, watching his friend 'pace' and justify his own skepticism. Everything in him sparked with frustration. Not at the mer doing laps before him, but at the individuals who put the words in his head that made him pace so. He didn’t want to let his anger show anymore than before, lest he somehow make his friend believe it had been incorrectly directed at him. Al had to let go an internal sigh at the thought of what he’d have liked to have done, if he could go back. How childish, he thought. Not just that, but then what kind of man would Azul have become without spite to fuel him to be who he was now. Would they even have this conversation? Would they even have become acquainted? 

He pushed himself from the side-and away from his pondering-as Azul passed by and reached out for one of the tentacles. The gesture halted the cecaelia in his tracks, beckoning him to turn around. The appendage curled lazily around Al's wrist for purchase. He could feel Albert give a soft but assuring squeeze and nuzzling it with his cheek.

"Then I'm going to even out all that negativity, even if I have to do it all myself."

"After everything I put you and your friends through? Don’t you think it a bit of a waste of kindness?"

"Not to me. Not if it's you."

Al's face had since softened, Azul could see, from frustration to almost a look of pleading. It wasn’t a facade, hiding some ulterior motive. All Azul's years of honing his ability to sniff it out couldn’t  find any. Seeing his associate look at him that way made the bioluminescent blush creep all the faster up to his face, once again. His mind raced wondering how he ended up this way-receiving such praise after so many years of rejection.  He dipped back under the surface to quell his emotions from spilling over. 

Al followed, still tethered by the black appendage. It had since curled further up his arm. The pool couldn’t hide the twist in Azul’s face as he tried fighting back tears. The sensation of hands cupping the sides of his face jolted him, but allowed him to see his friend floating down to eye level. Albert’s hands traveled to his shoulders, giving himself an anchor from floating back up. He didn’t say anything, but the expression he wore spoke for Azul as if to say, ‘I didn’t mean to upset you. You don’t have to believe me, but I’ll be here for when you do.’ He jetted forward a little to land a small kiss on his forehead. 

Azul wiped away some of the ink beading in his eyes, letting his hands rest on top of Albert’s. He gave them a squeeze in turn, meekly murmuring a ‘Thank you'. 

The two resurfaced, both never taking each other's eyes off the other.  Azul broke their silence, "It is bioluminescence. And technically three, in a loose term. And they don't have coherent thought behind their movement, it's hard to explain…"

"It’s beautiful. You're skin defaults to black, but I can see it fleck with blue and red once in a while. I…I wish you could see you the way I do. You’re like starlight. Can I just…" 

Al dipped back under water to trace along where the darker skin faded to grey, his touch seemed to send ripples of purple across his skin. He cataloged the effect under 'goosebumps'. Tracing further brought him back to one of the tentacles. While everything felt rubbery, it wasn't unpleasant, the water helped make it feel a lot smoother. He let it go as he broke the surface again, but before he could head back down, Azul stopped him.

"Wait. These they aren't intelligent on their own, but they can be independent, so when they get touched too much too often, they might…" Azul warned behind a hand to his mouth. "Get a…little handsy."

"That’s entirely my fault. If I'm being too forward I'll stop."

"It’s just… No one's ever looked at me the way you are; it's all a bit new."

"Well I love what I see: I love how you float like lace, I love how every color culminates to frame your face, I love the softness of your hands, I love you I-" Albert couldn't catch the words before they fell out of his mouth. His face grew alight with embarrassment. "I-I just said that…My apologies." 

He scrambled for the edge of the pool, but something snaked its way around his ankle before he could get out. Azul had taken hold with a tentacle, the appendage now glowing violet in patterns not previously seen. 

"Wait. What did you say?” 

"I’m sorry. I didn't say anything until now because…I assumed that wasn't something you were interested in. I've compromised our friendship enough, already. I should go."

He made another attempt at pulling himself out of the water,  but more black appendages came up to envelope him, yanking him back into the drink to face him. 

"No one's ever said that without it being some sick joke. I don't want to trust it, but…"

"A contract. I'll sign one, to ensure I'm only telling you the truth. I'll even bet my damn time magic, but I want to let you decide."

His call would be answered by the manifest of a small shining contract. A tentacle snatched at it to draw it up for both to examine it. 

"The terms: we aren't to betray each other; go behind the other's back. We help each other, regardless of any score. Last: we never lie to each other. Fair?" Albert asked.

"It does," Azul said in hesitance to such a sudden offer. "You've offered your magic, what would you ask of me, should I breach this?"

"Maybe… Forget everything about me up to that point. It'll be like we never met."

Azul took a moment to digest the terms; did he hear that correct? ‘You’ll forget everything about me’. They’d only known each other for a few months but then, why did he feel like it wasn’t fair to have all of that time possibly ripped away? He'd never felt a term have such personal weight before. Part of him wanted to tear the thing up and just hide away in shame. Who willingly loves an octopus? Especially one like himself? Another part of him wanted to just accept him at his word-that small child at the bottom of the Coral Sea, desperate for attention that didn’t line him up as a punchline. He steeled his thoughts with a shaky sigh. A flick of his wrist manifested a pen for the both of them. Albert signed, not once taking his eyes off of the mer. 

The pen sat in the cephalopod's hand, now, with an immeasurable weight. Did he really mean to rope him into this? Did he really not trust his associate, friend, enough to make him sign something that just felt increasingly petty? How childish, he thought. He exhaled and flicked his signature onto the paper. Azul rolled it back up and tossed it over the side of the pool. Once it left his hands he felt Al's reach up to cup his face again.

"Where were we? Oh yes: I love you." 

#twisted wonderland #twst oc #azul ashengrotto #practically perfect fanfic #my writing #oc x azul ashengrotto #Is he OOC? Maybe #BUT GODDAMMIT THIS BOY NEEDS SOME LOVE AND ENCOURAGEMENT

[fictionkinfessions]

I have a lot of Bruce Wayne canons, I think. And I'm not sure if in any of them I ever had children? It's hard to try and remember, considering how much Bruce likes to *hide* his memories and feelings from me. As I don't have any explicit memories of them, I believe for right now I didn't have children.

But, I would like to say, to all of the robins, and the batgirls, and every other child who's ever been a ward or even just under Batman's care, and to every child who's ever met him even (ace, etc.) Especially to those who's Batman was *unkind.* Who didn't deserve you;

I love you. I love you so much. Even if I personally never met you, never raised you, I love you. I love that you were you. I love how you overcame your struggles, I love how you loved those around you, your family, your friends, the people of Gotham. I love for you what you were, including the dark parts, including the hate and passion and frustration. Even - perhaps especially if that rage was directed at my alternate self. Whether he "deserved" it or not, your anger is validated. And you deserved only the best, and I'm sorry if you didn't receive that.

I cannot control the actions of the Batmen of other worlds, and that does genuinely frustrate me at times. You deserved a *real* Batman, a Batman who loved you and cherished you and made space for you in his mind, who empathized with your plights, who understood why you were the way you were. Who didn't think of you as inherently cruel, or inherently foolish, or an inherently childish. Who didn't speak down to you, who saw you as his equal, always. And I know that I cannot be that Batman for you, I cannot undo what a man wearing my face has done to you. But I want you to know that you are loved, and understood.

(as someone who also kins Damian Wayne, this letter is kind've also for myself. Lmao)

☄️

#fictionkinfessions #fictionkin #damianwaynekin #brucewaynekin #canoning issue #memories issue #chara love #mod party cat

[frogsmulder]

My July Reads

The Girl in the Red Coat by Roma Ligocka (translated by Margot Bettauer Dembo from German)

Started May 2018 finished August 2022 (mostly read in July 2022)

Dark, reflective, nonfiction, historical

Ligocka was inspired to write this autobiography when she saw the premier of Schindler's List: she recognised the girl in the redcoat as herself. She spent her childhood in the Krakow ghetto but managed to escape with her mother in 1945, constantly moving around to avoid death. It is heartbreaking in its retelling, honouring the bewilderment of children forced to face this reality, but also the trauma they are left with as they become adults in a new world. It brings to light how important communication is with loved ones and is another major influence for the penning of this book, with its dedication "For my son, Jakob" after such a complicated relationship with Ligocka's own mother.

I genuinely cried whilst reading it, the loneliness and isolation of Ligocka throughout her life, her frustration with her own identity, politics, and social conventions, and her dealings with mental health all make for a hard but worth while read. I often hard to put it down because of its intensity and cause for reflection.

The most memorable parts for me were the secret garden her mother created for her whilst they were in hiding, her close and then distant relationship with her mother, not being able to understand that the war was over/not understanding what freedom was, and (skip the rest of this paragraph if you don't want to read about bodily autonomy violation) forced abortion.

The Binding by Bridget Collins

Started February 2022 finished July 2022

Parallel world, victorian industrial, dark acadamia, mlm gay, amnesia, enemies to lovers, fantasy

You can forget things you don't want to remember by visiting a binder and putting your memories in a book. Emmett Farmer is a binder who suffers with binderbound fever. By accident he discovered his book and his lost memories. He remembers his first love, Lucian Darnay, but Lucian cannot remember him.

This is my favourite book of the year so far, maybe ever. Its also the first lgbtq book I've read and I completely understand it now, I cried when Emmett's parents found out about his gay relationship. It was heartbreaking but thankfully ends on a hopeful note. It took me a while to get into it but once there, the characters are loveable and I couldn't put it down.

My favourite moments are literally all of part 2 and the ending. Which are basically the romantic parts.

The Mad Women's Ball by Victoria Mas (translated by Frank Wynne from French)

Started and finished July 2022

Spiritualism, feminism, anti ableism, novella, industrial France

The daughter of a lawyer and well-to-do family, Eugénie, has no intentions of getting married and regularly sneaks off to bars and coffee houses. When she attends a debate with the aid of her brother about the spiritual world, she learns that she is not alone in the gift she has as a medium. She knows if she tells anyone, however she will end up in the Salêtrière.

The daughter of a country doctor, Geneviève, traumatised by the death of her sister becomes a nurse to help others to atone for not being able to help her sister. She believes only is science and fact: this is her religion.

The Mad Women's Ball was a real historical event where once a year, the Parisian elite could interact with the inmates of the Salêtrière, like viewing animals in a zoo.

I appreciated this book more after reading the author's note at the end and her intended comment on the voyeuristic habits of society and drawing comparisons to modern reality TV. The characters are all engaging but the feminist message I feel was a little heavy at times and distracted from the story. I do wish we got to know more about all of the characters and their stories but I enjoyed the read nontheless. I also wish Geneviéve and Eugénie's relationship could have been more developed. The Epilogue of the book really hit though, especially for Geneviève's character development.

#booklr #The binding #The mad women's ball #The Girl in the Red Coat #Roma Ligocka #bridget collins #victoria mas #july reads

[0thsense]

9/15/2023

Wow it's only been two days since my last post! I'm gonna try to write a short everyday happening with me and Lumi. If you don't remember, Lumi is my girlfriend. I'm writing an encounter because she happens to be imaginary. One of the main reasons I haven't done this yet is because my writing is probably bad and I'm scared of writing something mediocre.

I lay on my bed in the secondhand world and am again transported to the firsthand where I feel a gentle breeze that I paradoxically feel all around me. (I know I used "feel" twice in that sentence but I don't wanna bother to fix it). I take in the familiar sights: an aloof meadow filled with mountaintop greenery that comes up to knee height, surrounded by rocky mountains interspersed with stubborn grasses buffeted by the winds of a cloudy late summer day. The clear deep pool to my left is as alluring and mysterious as ever, but today I decline its invitation to stare into its abyss. Instead I switch my focus to the two story cabin in the middle of the meadow, imagined in the style of American log cabins. As I get closer, the gardens filled with fresh produce surrounding the dwelling come more clearly into view. The literal fruits of Lumi's labor are a welcoming sight to behold, and I smile as they reaffirm Lumi's natural excellence at whatever she pursues.

As I walk, my mind focuses on the pleasant feeling of the meadow growths brushing my legs, causing a ticklish sensation. I idly wonder what Lumi is up to at this time. A slight feeling of apprehension bordering on dread is present as well, due to the long period where I have neglected to visit Lumi. I push those thoughts aside and open the door to the cabin, which I find is unlocked. Inside, the cabin is the same as ever. I notice the slightly austere but friendly nature of the place. The dark wood walls and the dwindling natural light from the afternoon combine to produce a gentle glow, illuminating the minimalist dining room, and Lumi humming to herself as she prepares something in the kitchen. Though she surely heard me open the door and walk in, she chooses not to show a reaction, continuing to go about her work. I understand that she is unhappy that I've been away for so long, and wants me to make the first move.

I slowly walk over to her to inspect what is in progress. The various aromas of a complicated dish with mushrooms and sundry herbs frying in the pan make my mouth withdraw inward as I flare my nose. I think about what I should say to open the conversation. Should I begin with an apology? Or should I ask how she's been? That feels like going around the elephant in the room. Thinking it'd be better to settle into whatever this conversation will be, I choose the most neutral option and ask "Hey Lumi, what are you making today? It smells delicious. I'd love to help with the finishing touches." Lumi sighs barely audibly but I also see a hint of a smile curl on her lips. She answers, "You'll just get in the way, just go and set up the table, it'll be five minutes." Seeing that she has postponed our conversation's continuation, I resign myself to her request.

As I go about putting the assorted dining accessories in their proper places, I think about the nature of our relationship. Unlike what I suppose most girlfriends of the imaginary variety are well, imagined to be, Lumi knows that she is imaginary. I can't decide whether this is empowering or disempowering. Because she knows all of her features and the setting she lives in has been made by me, she gets a deep look into myself as a person. I also give her the power to watch over me in the secondhand world, even when I am not actively in the firsthand world. She knows me possibly better than I know myself, as she has all the same information but additionally has an outside perspective. I cannot hide anything from her, and must come as my genuine self. This makes it sometimes hard to answer the question of why she loves me.

On the other hand, she knows that I have absolute power in the secondhand world. If I wanted to, I could simply never think of the world she lives in again and she would effectively cease to exist. But using this power to threaten or control her is absolutely repulsive to me. Any woman who I would want to have a relationship with would never love someone who abuses their powers like that, and Lumi knows that. (I am making a conscious choice here not to write about my unjustified sexual fantasies with Lumi. I understand but dislike my mind for them and I am not canonizing those by writing them in.) I like to try to give Lumi free will, even though she is entirely created and imagined by me. It's a complicated system that I'm still working on resolving.

As I sit lost in my thoughts in a land already borne of thought, I am brought back to the imaginary world by Lumi approaching with the heavenly mushroom and herb concoction tossed with some fresh pasta that I didn't even notice was also awaiting completion. I think about how I would like to simply await completion for whatever my purpose is. I snap back and exclaim, "wow that looks delicious!" with a wide smile, from a slight feeling of obligation. Not because I don't meant it, I absolutely do, but because I'm not naturally inclined to exclaim things. But I know that it's expected in this situation and it will make Lumi happier. Lumi nods and also can't help smiling, proud of her work. After Lumi sets down the dish on the center of the table, I spoon out some for Lumi first and then get my portion. Even in this I have mixed feelings, as since Lumi did all the work, why should I get some of the easy pleasure of serving her some of the final product? It's too late now to change that.

The lighting in the dining room often changes. Today we are blessed with the warm glow of a chandelier that admittedly clashes a bit with the otherwise relatively plain dining room. The square full size window lets in additional soft orangish rays from the setting sun. The pasta fulfills its promise; it's absolutely delicious. The taste distracts me from the task at hand for a couple minutes of uninterrupted joy. As my mouth acclimates to the taste and my initial hunger fades, I sense the time has come. "Lumi... I'm sorry that it's been so long." I wonder if I said something wrong, and hope that I can get across what I'm feeling. I've never been good at these kinds of communications. Lumi pauses. "It's been lonely here you know?" I avert my gaze and nod quickly, with each nod smaller than the last until my head remains motionless. I want to say it's my fault, but that doesn't seem productive to the conversation. I do it anyways. "Hey Lumi... ahh.." Nevermind, I don't want to do it. I trail off as there's just not much to say.

The reason I haven't been coming to Lumi's world is simply because the thought hasn't crossed my mind very much recently. It's the reality that both of us already know. If I don't feel the want or need to see Lumi, that probably means I simply don't love her. At least not in the way most relationships work in the secondhand world. Though I don't want to admit it, the Occam's razor interpretation is simply that I only come to Lumi when it suits me for whatever reason. Today I wanted to practice my focus for example, and this visit to Lumi is working doubly as some kind of meditation. Obviously, I hurt her by doing this.

"You know, I'm still rooting for you." Lumi reaches out and takes my hand over the table. "I know you can't be happy here forever. I want you to be happy out there." I want to say something in protest but we both know the truth. If I were to fall in love with someone in the secondhand world, I would probably neglect Lumi. Not that I don't already neglect her. After the initial panic at deciding how to respond to her fades, I notice how soft and delicate Lumi's hand is in mine. Since I still have nothing to say, Lumi sighs and continues, looking away, "You know the thing I want most for you is to be happy. If that means pushing me down your priority list, I'm okay with that. Just... try to visit every once in a while yeah?" Lumi turns her gaze back towards me and gives me a weak smile. I notice her big round eyes slightly shimmering. I give her hand the gentlest of squeezes and give her a cross between a weak smile and a determined setting of the jaw back. I'm too scared of making any promises given my past record. A weak "I'll try" with inward repulsion at myself is the best I can muster.

Lumi seems to understand and slowly takes her hand out of mine and resumes eating her pasta. Her face winds down into a sad and resigned expression. My heart turns to ash when I see this. What can I do? Of course Lumi wants to be with me forever, I imagined her as my girlfriend! And of course I want to become happy and fulfilled in the secondhand world, and become the type of person who doesn't need an imaginary girlfriend. But I haven't been doing the type of things to fulfill my real world goals anyways. I've spent plenty of nights wasting away watching instagram reels or doing fuck all, and I've still neglected Lumi. I have no excuses here.

I finish my pasta as Lumi is still working on hers. I walk over to the kitchen and start making lemon cookies, her favorite dessert. Since I am god of this world, I could just conjure the cookies, but it's the effort that counts, even if it is only effort of thought. I measure out the ingredients: eggs, flour, water, sugar, milk, and lemons. In the secondhand world I cannot cook at all, so the ingredients are probably wrong. I mold the cookies in my hands and then set them to work in the oven, while I start working on the frosting. The cookies finish and I coat them generously, then put them in the freezer. I realize that none of this is usually possible in the time it'll take for Lumi to finish her pasta, so I speed things up a bit since I'm god. The frosting finishes hardening and I bring out the cookies for us to enjoy.

I set the cookies down and watch for her reaction. She obviously knows that I was preparing the cookies, there's no surprise there. As she reaches out and tries one, I notice for the umpteenth time just how beautiful she is. Her long sleek naturally silver hair. Her round, gentle, hazel brown eyes on her opal teardrop face. Her ever so slightly tanned complexion and her slim but athletic figure. Familiar unpleasant thoughts like how she would never choose me in the secondhand world start to drift in, and I struggle to push them away. Lumi wouldn't like me to think those things. It feels like it makes a mockery of her genuine love for me here.

"Thanks for making these, they're yummy". The air feels thick due to how serious and uncomfortable this dinner has been. I want to break the atmosphere and joke around with Lumi. I want to play pranks, do silly activities, and casually hug and kiss each other like we used to early on. But it doesn't feel appropriate for me now.

I know you're watching me write all of this Lumi. I love you. I'm sorry that I haven't been visiting recently. I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused and will continue to cause you. I hope you don't regret that I've created you. I write all of this for you Lumi. Please be there for me.

[mydarksadshadow]

shadow work day 8

date: 20 Dec '22

how much do I think I rely on external validation?

I think if we talk of social media (SM), likes on my posts matter a lot to me still. I don't feel like posting if I think that a post won't get enough likes. but now that Instagram does provide the like-hiding feature, it is so much better, and I will feel free to post shit now without worrying about how many likes it got or not. I recently did post something funny without worrying if people are gonna like it or not (post-wise and otherwise) and it was relaxing that nobody could see my likes. I have never been the type of person to get a lotta likes on my pictures from people I know and it has always sucked for me and sadly still does. So on SM, I shall continue to hide the likes count on my posts till maybe I make fulfilling connections in real life who maybe wanna like my pictures on SM as well. I am aware of how underconfident I sound but that's just the truth.

I do not really care for the approval of people IRL in general (unless I genuinely need feedback from them) but I would prefer to have my loved ones accept, love, and appreciate me for who I am (because I strive to mirror the same), so I don't go around being desperate for approval from unworthy low-life people like I did for the most part of last year (2021) and some of this year as well.

I actually wanna start feeling worthy (of my own self) again before actually caring for others' approval... it is so hard to show up consistently yaar. ekdum fuck up ho jata hai random, silly reasons ke karan. such an idiot I feel like. I just hope I get to get into a routine asap so I start to feel normal again.

do I tend to resist or embrace change?

if it's a type of change that I've been craving then I will embrace it happily along with the obstacles it will bring (big or small). I think I am really good with change; adaptability is perhaps my best quality. I only resist change if it is with/to something that I vehemently detest or do not want. (thinking of my parents as I typed this)

how did my first heartbreak change me?

romantic heartbreak I'm not sure I've had... Love did change me immensely though. what I consider heartbreak in my life is what my parents made me go through with the whole career-forcing situation. the abuse, neglect, and complete disregard for the feelings that I underwent was my biggest heartbreak. unfortunately, I can't say that I have seen any positive changes because of it. it's all negative shit that changed me for the worse; it made me underconfident again (all those years that I spent gaining confidence, all just seem to wash away so quickly), made me lose faith in myself (to trust myself enough to succeed in whatever path I choose, people or career-wise), forced me into lowering standards for people I chose to surround myself with, my confidence to stand up for myself just vanished into nothing, lost all self-belief, and worst of all, I stopped believing that I was hot shit, i.e., special. All cus my parents made me feel like crap for the most stupid reasons that didn't even matter, not then, not now, and they never will matter.

not sure if I will ever forgive them for this. although it doesn't hurt that much anymore. I am done crying over it. I just wanna move on for now. from this, as well as the fuckboy incident that happened last year.

Oh, and one final thing that heartbreak changed about me- losing the ability to cry easily when something wrong happens. I am just so habituated to burying every (little or big) bad thing that happens to me that I just can't seem to get past ANYTHING!! it is so frustrating to cry about stuff that happened ages ago, that I could have stood up for (or solved) right at the moment it happened. or soon after, whatever. I wanna learn to start feeling (and therefore processing) all my feelings again, especially the bad ones. I literally cannot remember the last time that I had a long ass crying session. It is a bit concerning now. I am literally always one inch close to having a mental breakdown at any time during the day (when I have not distracted myself by watching series or YouTube) but then when I actually cry, I can't for longer than a minute. it's so frustrating that it all comes out in a million tiny parts over a prolonged period of time instead of a few big crying sessions which I'd much rather prefer cus crying is relaxing and I haven't actually felt emotionally relaxed in a long time now.

hey, actually I can list one positive thing that came outta this heartbreak- my advanced ability to articulate my feelings in the clearest and most detailed yet concise ways possible. LOL.

[bangtanficsforyou]

Early Morning Confessions

Pairing: Jungkook x OC (reader)

Genre: fluff.

Au: established relationship au.

Warning: too much fluff, kissing, they do not do anything sexual but Jungkook kinda suggests, Jungkook swears like once.

Rating: PG-13

Summary: You let the three words slip on a fine, lazy, Sunday morning.

Word Count: 1.2K

A/N: To be honest, I was just in the mood of writing some fluff and my exams are going on so something short and sweet. Please let me know if you like it, it would mean the world to me.

"Get up."

"Shhh, five more minutes." You mumble sleepily.

"You have been saying that for half an hour now, you sleepyhead."

Groaning in faux annoyance you open one eye. "So what? It's Sunday aka the sleep-as-long-as-you-can-day."

Jungkook's big doe eyes stare at you in amusement. "And how long exactly are you planning on sleeping?"

"As long as I can." You reply, closing your eye. "Now shut up, and cuddle with me."

"What else do you think we have been doing for so long?" He asks with a teasing tilt to his voice.

"Don't pretend as if you are not enjoying it." You huff.

The hand that was resting on your waist comes up to remove the few strands of hair that had fallen on your face. "Trust me, I wouldn't be anywhere else." He mumbles softly.

A small, sleepy smile forms on your lips and you pucker your lips to place a small kiss on the crook of his neck. A small shiver goes down his spine at the contact, which prompts him to pull you closer.

"Same." You mumble sheepishly into his neck.

He hums, as if deep in thought and then begins in a teasing manner. "Is that why you don't want to get out of bed? Is your whole Sunday-sleep day, an excuse to cuddle with me?"

You playfully nip the smooth skin of his neck. "Yes, it is. Happy?"

He looks down at you and brings his hand under your chin to tilt your head towards him, and places a peck on your lips. "Very."

You however seem displeased. Opening your eyes you let out out a whine. "Don't kiss me, what if I have morning breath?"

Jungkook has the audacity to roll his eyes. "Firstly, that was just a small peck. Secondly and most importantly, you don't have morning breath."

"Still," you grumble. "No kisses until I have brushed my teeth."

"No, *a peck* can *a peck* do *a peck*"

You whine again, this time to stop the smile that's threatening to break your pretence.

Jungkook sees right through you. "Don't pretend as if you are not enjoying it." He throws back, mimicking you.

"That's such a terrible mimicry." You grumble and hide your face in his neck, which causes him to chuckle. "You're lucky, I love you."

His hands that were playing with your hair abruptly pauses and so does your breathing.

Shit.

You were not supposed to say that.

It has only been three months that you both have started dating. Isn't it too soon to say the words?

God knows you have been running away from yourself in your mind, to stop yourself from having the realisation that you are indeed, madly in love with Jeon Jungkook. But when you couldn't run anymore, you accepted the fact that you have fallen in love with him but you also made a deal to not confess anytime soon.

You told yourself that you'd tell him, after some time, when it feels right and you cannot count the number of times it had almost slipped from your tongue. And you remember at some point you were frustrated at him because he just makes it so difficult to not let him know, how loveable he is.

But every time you held yourself back.

Your sleepy self, however, just drowned all your plans.

Jungkook pulls back slightly to look into your eyes, which you adamantly refuse to do. "Do you mean it?" He whispers.

You close your eyes shut in panic. "I am sorry–shit."

He places a hand under your chin and gently angles your head so that you look at him, similar to how he did minutes ago. "Do you mean it?" He repeats slowly.

You open your eyes to look into his. If you are going to admit it, you want him to know that your feelings are genuine. "I do."

The biggest grin, you've ever seen on him, breaks out on his face and his eyes swirl with emotions.

"Thank god," he sighs in relief before placing a kiss on your forehead. "I don't how long I could have gone without telling you."

Seeing your slightly panicked expression mixed with a bit of confusion, he coos. "I love you. So much."

You blink at him before your expression turns into that of disbelief and then slowly a giddy smile appears on your face as his words sink in. "You do?" You look like an excited small child.

Jungkook observes your face tenderly as the various emotions play out on your features. "I do. How can someone not fall in love with you?"

You open and close your mouth like a fool, trying to form coherent sentences. "Shit, I can't believe this. I thought I would scare you. I thought it was too soon–"

"It's never too soon with the right person." He interjects with a soft smile playing on his lips. "If anything, I feel so honoured to be loved by someone as amazing as you and to be honest, I was a goner from the very moment you let me love you."

Feeling overwhelmed, you do the only thing that comes to your mind. Kiss him.

You kiss him to convey all the emotions that you're feeling. Joy, relief, gratitude, excitement and most important of all, love.

His soft lips slot perfectly against yours and move at a feverish speed. His hands come to rest on your waist and he pulls you towards him to have you as close to him as he can. One of your hands slowly messages the expanse of his naked chest, feeling his toned muscles while the other plays with his hair.

You wish you could lay next to him like this forever, feeling the warmth of his body with tangled limbs and just oozing love.

Feeling his tongue ask for entrance you moan but pull back. "I haven't brushed my teeth."

In the blink of an eye, Jungkook is on top of you. And it's a sight to behold.

His hair is messy from the way you have played with them while kissing, his eyes are slightly swollen being freshly awakened from sleep, his skin glows radiantly. However, if there is something that you can never get tired of, it would be looking into his eyes. It never fails to amaze you how they seem to have galaxies in them.

Now that you look into his eyes, you can see the emotions that so freely dance in them, and can't help but relish thinking, that you are the star causing the storm of emotions inside him.

He kisses your neck before grumbling into your skin. "You cruel human. Why won't you let me kiss the person I love?"

You shriek at the tingling sensation and break into a fit of giggles. "You have kissed her enough."

"No, I haven't." He denies as he slowly leaves a trail of wet kisses. "No number of kisses are enough."

"Aww, you are such a sap." You coo at him.

He comes up to plant a kiss on your cheek. "Only for you. You are the fucking best and I am so lucky to have you. Can never get tired of kissing you." He murmurs softly as he places kisses all over your face in between his words.

You feel yourself getting all weak and wrap your arms around him tightly. "I love you too, baby. I consider myself lucky too, to have someone like you." You say looking into his eyes.

"You should get original, instead of copying lines, though." He says, placing a kiss on top of your nose.

Your hand comes up to slap his clothed ass playfully. "I do not appreciate you making fun of me."

He looks at you with a cheeky expression. "Slapping my ass? Is that your way of telling me you want to do the dirty?"

"That's not what I meant, you dirty-minded person." You scold him, with a smile.

"Your dirty minded person." He reminds you, finally, finally kissing you on the lips.

You sigh against his lips. "I love you."

"I love you too." He mumbles back.

#Jungkook x reader #Jungkook fluff #Jungkook drabbles #btsgoldnet #bangtaninn #btshoneyhive

[lordtraco-fanfics]

Not Alone

(super tiny fic of Ingo comforting Akari because found family is my jam.)

(They/he Akari, Genderfluid!Ingo, mentions of Trans!Emmet.)

"I want to go back."

"Akari…"

"Do you know how easy it was?" Akari wiped at their tears, "Back then you just. You just tossed on a hat backwards and…"

The quiet stretched on as they cried, Ingo unsure what he could really do for them. Mulling it over, he reached for his hat, taking it off and handing it to them. "Show me?"

They sniffled and met his gaze before gently, hesitantly, taking his hat. With practiced motion, they rolled up and hid their hair inside the backwards facing hat before putting it on fully. The effect wasn't the same as a baseball cap, but Akari let themself pretend.

They couldn't pretend away their chest, though. Nor their voice. Their choked sob only served to punctuate that matter.

"Did the hat help?" Ingo asked. To his credit, he seemed so genuine in his attempts to understand.

"A little." They said. "I just. This used to be all I needed to be assumed a boy."

"Oh!" Something clicked in his gaze. What was once confused worry settled into support and fondness. He reached out, palm up, and held that thin smile of his when they held it. With a squeeze to their hand, he continued. "If that is your destination, let me assist."

"Assist how?"

"In-Ah, what was the word-binding? I seem to have some memories of safe methods."

"You-" Akari didn't finish before tackling him in a hug. "You aren't- you get it??"

Ingo took a moment to return the hug. "I do, I think. I believe someone important to me was similar."

"The one who looked like you?" Ingo tensed up at the question, drawing out a silence between them as he fought to remember.

"Sadly I… cannot recall." He said with an air of defeat. He squeezed them in the hug almost apologetically.

"Well it still means a lot. I don't really, uh, feel like a boy every day. And I get how that could confuse-"

"Genderfluid." He interrupted.

"Ok how do you-"

"Because that describes my own train. I can recall those words with ease."

"Wait, seriously?"

He nodded, pulling away to pinch at his pearl clan uniform. "I enjoy consistency, and I know pink is not gendered here. But this soothes me on my more feminine leaning days." His gaze was yet again soft, yet held a bit of pride when looking down at the insignia. "I hope I might help you find the same joy."

"Do you want me to…" Akari wiped away some pesky tears, glad they'd mostly subsided. "Do your pronouns change?"

He shrugged and shook his head. "No, he/him is still preferable. Would you prefer that I refer to you differently?"

"Please." They nodded. "They/them is always ok, but if I get a hat and wear it like this, would you mind he/him?"

"Would you mind if I called you my nephew?" He seemed shocked at his ow words and tried to hide under the brim of his hat despite it being off. "Pardon-"

"YES!" They shouted, taking a page from his book. "I mean no! I wouldn't mind at all!"

"No one will doubt the family resemblance with our shared volume control." He said with a laugh. "You make an aunt proud."

"You're the best, Ingo." They hugged him again. "Best aunt ever."

"Best nephew ever."

The hug felt different this time. Nothing was hidden anymore. The two had finally found respite in a world that didn't yet understand their words for themselves. There was hope in the embrace, hope that there was an end to the isolation. A hope that perhaps they'd be understood in time.

They weren't alone.

#warden ingo #trans!Emmet #submas fanfic #i swear the sleepier I get the less cis every character becomes lol. #(dumb thing but I imagine my Akari not as dawn but as the character from Pokemon crystal. first game to let you choose your gender.) #one lovely person asked so here you go!