#i don't know what the fuck i am supposed to do anymore

[cosmicjoke]

Eh, well, that was disappointing. Or at least, it would be if I actually thought Gojo was magically back to life, which I never really did. I guess it's appropriate and supposed to be a reinforcement of the bleakness of JJK's underlying message, or whatever, that Gojo's body, even in death, is still being used as a weapon. It's just such a bore, is the problem. This whole manga has become a hideous bore with the way it's all been executed.

But I swear to god, if this doesn't kill Sukana and the stupid fight continues on with Yuta dying for nothing, and Gojo's body being desecrated for nothing, I'll call this the worst fucking trash I've ever read and it won't even be an exaggeration. It's already practically there with the god awful pacing and dropped plot points and foreshadowing that seemingly went nowhere. But we'll see.

I'm just done. I've been done for a while.

I mean, it is sad that Gojo's entire legacy is just one of being seen and used as a weapon, even by his own students, whom he cared for so much and wanted to preserve the youth of. That's definitely a tragedy. It's just... the whole build up to this moment, the execution, the horrible pacing and fake-out cliffhangers (including this last one, which anyone with any familiarity with this manga and the way Gege writes should have seen coming)... it's too exhausting and too cynical to feel like any of it matters or to want to become invested. It's honestly awful. Maybe I'm too hard on this story. Maybe I'm too dumb and my inability to enjoy all the complexity of the CT's and what it all means made it impossible for me to enjoy the story the way someone smarter might be able to. I really loved it at first, and anyone who knows me knows I'm never opposed to tragic endings. And it seems inevitably that JJK will have a tragic ending. I'm not opposed to cynicism or tragedy, if it's done well. Even if they beat Sukana, the way it seems they're having to go about it, assuming this actually works (which, again, I'm not holding my breath), it will be a tragedy.

It's just, between the convoluted, unending explanations of cursed techniques, the boring, meaningless, dragged out fights that went nowhere and meant nothing, the foreshadowing for certain confrontations and revelations and characters that have yet to be resolved or touched upon, even... I don't know. It's just not doing it for me, anymore.

I am sad about Gojo. What a shit deal he got. Maybe Gege really hates him, or maybe he just feels sorry for him. Either way, it's pretty heartbreaking. Well, hopefully the story will end soon, because I honestly don't see where else it can go from here.

#jjk #jjk 261 spoilers #jjk spoilers #Gojo Satoru

[alice-after-dark]

Vox as an Abuse Victim

So here is that massive Vox post I promised, a day late for...reasons. I swear I have been working on this post for days, even before that StaticMoth discourse influx in my inbox.

After making my post about Vox and Angel and reading @deeply-unserious-fellow's post about a similar topic, I thought it might be finally time to make this post. Most people who have seen my content know how I typically portray StaticMoth. I have mixed feelings about Valentino at the best of times and outright dislike him at the worst. But frankly this post isn't actually about him (well, mostly). It's about Vox and why I am really hoping that Viv keeps the angle of Vox being an abuse victim.

TW for domestic abuse, physical violence, implied sexual abuse, abusive relationships, gaslighting/victim-blaming, and other canon-typical triggers. Contain abusive StaticMoth.

Honestly? The primary reason I hope she keeps it is because it would make him an even more complex character and bring attention to a criminally underrepresented group: abuse victims who are also bad people.

As pointed out in the post I tagged above, the world has become obsessed with this idea of a "palatable" victim, the poor suffering cinnamon roll. An abuse victim is expected to look like a victim. You're supposed to instantly feel sorry for them and want to protect them...but that's not so easy when the victim is someone who also hurts people, is it? It's not so easy to pretend they didn't do bad things too...but they are still a victim. That does not change just because they are a bad person. And thus it becomes complicated and interesting. Because it's not so easy to root for the victim when they're also victimizing others, especially when those others are people we care about...like Angel Dust. At the bare minimum, Vox is doing nothing to stop Valentino from abusing Angel or any of his other employees. Having Vox be a victim of the same abuse that Angel Dust suffers (at the hands of the same abuser no less) and yet also being someone who enables Angel's abuse creates a very complicated situation.

In a most media, the discovery of a mean/bad person being abused is frequently portrayed in a "well, they were abused so you can't be mad at them anymore" kind of light. Like "see? They're just an asshole because they were being abused! Now that we know, they're suddenly a good person!" Except that's not how it works. Someone can be a bad person and also be a victim. And even if them being an asshole was the result of their abuse, those behaviors and the consequences of those behaviors don't just vanish. They still hurt people and frankly I would riot if it came out that Vox was being abused by Valentino and then everyone in the show just up and forgave him for being an asshole. Like...no? He would still need to make up for his own shit and actually work towards being a better person. I like this character because he's an unapologetic asshole. If making him a victim takes that away, then that would be such a missed opportunity.

In fact, one thing I find interesting is that I definitely believe that Vox would have no problem admitting to being a bad person, but would rather fight an exorcist alone than admit to being a victim. His ego won't allow for it. He would probably laugh in your face and call you delusional while literally having a broken screen. Because he can't admit it, even to himself. He would see it as a sign of weakness and that's not acceptable to him (side note that being a victim does not make you weak, that's just what Vox's toxic mindset tells him). While I am fairly certain that he would have moved on from most 1950s mindsets since he is all about the future and progress and moving forward, toxic masculinity is still very much a thing today and I can definitely see him embodying it in some aspects, like needing to appear strong and in control at all times (and Hell's power hierarchy definitely encourages this mindset, so...). Fuck, even now in fucking 2024, men still have a hard time being taken seriously as the victims of abuse. Unless of course you fit a certain mold.

Angel Dust is the perfect example of this. He is a palatable male victim. He's effeminate, he's funny, he's friendly, he's caring, and we actively see him miserable in his suffering. Despite being in Hell just like the rest of them and having been a former mafia member and clearly able to stand on his own two feet it combat, his victimhood is constantly on display and the audience wants to protect and save him. On the opposite end, Vox is shown in a position of power that is constantly reinforced. He's an Overlord, he's manipulative, he's cruel, he's greedy, and he enables abusive behavior from others. He is not a palatable victim, which is why it's perfect.

Now let's get into what I believe is the actual evidence that this dynamic could still be present.

Something I see people commonly say is that Vox being abused by Valentino doesn't make sense because why wouldn't Vox just fight back? He could just shock Valentino into next Tuesday? And to these people I kindly say fuck you. Because while physical strength can be a factor in abuse, it is very rarely the thing that keeps the victim from leaving. Abuse, even when physical, is heavily psychological. It's like telling a victim "well, why didn't you just leave?" It's not that easy. Abusers tend to target those with low self-esteem and it's made pretty clear that Vox is a very insecure person (I feel the need to point out that having an ego and having high self-esteem are not the same thing, in fact having a big ego is typically a side effect of very low self-esteem). It's entirely possible that Vox makes the conscious decision not to fight back because he's afraid of what will happen if he does. He's afraid Valentino will leave. We know Valentino is just as mentally and emotionally abusive to those around him as he is physically abusive and we have actively witnessed him playing into Vox's insecurities and mentally messing with him (specifically in the events leading up to "Stayed Gone").

So let's talk about the scene leading up to "Stayed Gone," because I also see Vox's behavior towards Valentino here used as justification for why it's not possible for Valentino to be abusing Vox. Full disclosure, I myself in the past have even thought that it demonstrated them being mutually abusive towards each other, but have since changed my opinion after reading more takes and doing further analysis. Having rewatched this scene many times now, I have some observations.

There's a small moment that always caught my attention when I watched this scene because I wasn't sure what it meant, but looking at it in the context of this post, I think I can see a possibility. When Vox goes to see Valentino, he approaches the doors and they are opened for him by Valentino's servants. Vox pauses in the doorway, glances at them, then continues on inside.

What was the point of this moment? It seems out of place. Surely Vox has gone to Valentino's room before? Surely this door opening thing isn't new? And looking at Vox's face here, he looks...concerned? Like...they might hear what goes on inside? And he maintains that expression even as he enters the room, like he doesn't like that those two are out there and might hear them.

It also makes the entire situation feel so routine. Like Valentino is upset and these girls just expect Vox to show up and take care of it. And the scenes prior to this also sets it up as a normal occurrence. Vox rearranges his entire schedule to deal with Valentino, like he absolutely expects this situation could take up the rest of his day. And Valentino clearly doesn't listen to Velvette in this regard as she had to call Vox to come deal with Valentino despite him wrecking her department. Her comment even further establishes this as normal when she tells Vox that Valentino is "up in his tower, waiting for a flat-faced prince to calm him down." And when Vox arrives? "FUCKING FINALLY!" All of this sets up a standard situation: when Valentino is upset, it is Vox's job to calm him down and make him feel better. Valentino is a full grown adult and yet he has made it someone else's problem to manage his emotions.

Then of course we have the classic moment of Valentino literally throwing his glass at Vox only seconds after Vox has arrived. And this has to have been a conscious decision, because right before that, he throws his first glass on the ground before demanding another. So if he wanted to just break something, he didn't need to throw it at Vox, but he did. And I definitely don't think he cared if Vox got out of the way or not. But how easily Vox moves aside tells us that he fully expected to have things thrown at him and was ready for it. Now, I do believe that Valentino would throw shit at literally anyone when he is mad, but the key here is that Vox, his supposed friend, on-and-off lover, and business partner, is not exempt from this behavior. He even breaks Vox's phone when he realizes Vox is not paying attention to him. He has no qualms breaking Vox's property just to soothe his rage (I would also like to point out that he fucking obliterated that thing; just how hard did he fucking throw it?!).

Something in this scene that did initially throw me as I was writing this is that Vox doesn't seem particularly afraid of Valentino. Not the way we see Angel is when Valentino gets angry. We also see him actively get angry with Valentino, get in his face, and manipulate him. In the past, I believed this behavior from Vox to have established their relationship as mutually abusive. However, after reading yet another post from @deeply-unserious-fellow, I realized that everything Vox does here is only in direct response to Valentino's tantrum.

So let's go through some things here. When Vox initially tries to tell Valentino he can't go to the hotel, Valentino straight up ignores him. Does not respond to Vox's words, completely carries on like he didn't even speak. From this point on, Vox takes an entirely different approach to the situation. He manipulates Valentino into thinking that not shooting up the hotel is his idea and even offers further appeasement in the form of shooting his own employees as a method to satisfy Valentino's temper. I admit to initially viewing this as Vox being abusive, but frankly, when your options are being manipulative or letting your business partner go shoot up a hotel that houses the literal Princess of Hell, yeah, I'd take the manipulation route. Because, as I pointed out above, Vox cannot actually control Valentino. He tries to give him an order and is completely ignored. And even when he does successfully manipulate him, he still has to appease him in some capacity.

Now, there's also something here that is often played for shits and giggles, but I'm taking it 100% seriously right now. Many people point out that Vox's screen gets brighter when he gets in Valentino's face. Valentino is a moth demon and after Vox does this, he seems to be dazed for a moment, enough for Vox to rapidly switch back into manipulator mode and does his thing. It seems to have snapped Valentino out of his rage and I literally can't help but think that Vox has learned this as a defense mechanism. Valentino can't see very well, so it's very likely Vox's hypnotism doesn't work on him, so Vox had to find other ways of manipulating him and calming him down when he's in one of his rages.

Something I also want to point out is that it is made very clear through a single solitary moment that Valentino is in no way afraid of Vox. When he tells Vox about Alastor, Vox screams in his face, manhandles him, and Valentino just...pushes him off and saunters away, grinning like the cat that caught the canary. He doesn't even look upset or concerned when Vox grabs him. He just...laughs it off...like he knows Vox won't actually hurt him. Because I genuinely think Vox won't. Later in the episode, we hear Valentino's voicemails to Angel Dust and how he's emotionally manipulating him, telling him he can't really get better. I wouldn't be surprised to find that he's given Vox a similar treatment, especially considering that it's obvious Valentino knew what kind of reaction he would get out of Vox by bringing up Alastor. And sure, he brushes it off with a kink joke, but in all seriousness, why did Valentino keep Alastor's return from Vox? We know Angel has been at the hotel for a little while and Alastor has been involved with it as of a week prior to the beginning of season 1, so why suddenly bring it up? It's almost like he was specifically holding onto this information, waiting for the perfect time to use it that would be the most beneficial to him.

There's also another little scene that always caught my attention. It's when Valentino is getting pissed about the shadow construct that Angel Dust is flirting with.

Valentino starts getting pissy again, demands Vox's attention, gets annoyed when he doesn't get it, then immediately switches to mocking and confident when Vox starts bitching about Alastor. Like...he's so fucking proud of himself for getting Vox all worked up over Alastor. Like it's some kind of game for him. Riling Vox up and messing with his emotions is fun for Valentino. Alastor dredges up some real shit for Vox and Valentino exploits it. And from here on, he just keeps egging him on. Now, I'm pretty sure "Stayed Gone" would have happened with or without Valentino, but the point here is that he is definitely playing with Vox's emotions here.

As for the not being afraid aspect, again, Valentino hasn't actually threatened him with something that truly scares him. I don't think he's afraid of what Valentino could physically do to him. It's more likely to make him mad than anything else, even if he doesn't fight back (he'll probably go take out his anger on someone else). The thing about Vox is that we see that he does not like to appear weak in any capacity and I think this extends well into his own psyche. If he admits, even to himself, that he's a victim...to him, that's admitting weakness and he just can't do that. So Valentino's not abusing him, they just had a fight. He didn't hit back because he's in control of himself and he knows he could totally toast Valentino. It's Vox's own fault for pushing his buttons when he knew Valentino was mad. It wasn't rape cause he never said "no".

TLDR: Vox can be both an asshole and an abuse victim and it would be a really interesting aspect to his character as long as the show does it right and doesn't scrap his assholeness to make him a more palatable victim. Show him being a victim and also victimizing others. Show him not wanting to accept that he has been abused. LET PEOPLE BE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH FEELING SORRY FOR HIM.

(that's all for now, I have literally been working on this post for days and I'm exhausted)

#hazbin hotel #hazbin vox #hazbin hotel vox #vox hazbin hotel #alice rambles #hazbin valentino #staticmoth #hazbin angel dust

[mochathelion]

hey goopers and gunkers, here is, drumroll please

All of them council quotes from my quotebook (ft markiplier)

"Your blood is worms" -slimecicle

"Eenie meenie miney fuck you" -gillion tidestrider

"This is not the becoming of a prince. This is the becoming of a monster" -shilo bathroy

"I have a lot of opinions, none of them matter" -chip

"You must have confidence in yourself peter. Only then will you slay pussy like you slay gods" -thanatos

"IM GONNA MIGHTY BLOW YOU" -slimecicle

"PRETZEL! JUST A FEW MORE FEET PRETZEL! ITS NOT EVEN A MULTIPLE OF FIVE PRETZELLLL!" -gillion tidestrider

"I've never met God, but when I do I'll break him." -William wisp

"Great rune of the unborn? What is that, like an abortion perk?" -slimecicle

"What if you were like oh let me just check if the floor is real and you kicked it one day and it just disappeared, you'd probably be like of fuck I shouldldnt have done that" -slimecicle

"What do you really want? And just say it so I can fight for it" -gillion tidestrider

"Welp, you know what they say! When life gives you wolves, kill them. Also what? " -slimecicle

"Oh my Lord I smell estrogen" -slimecicles chat

"I'm beans mother fucker" -slmccl

"I'VE MET WAR CRIMINALS MORE DELIGHTFULL THAN YOU" -bizlybebo

"Two Mommy?"-Gillion Tidestrider

"This Jesus guy seems really cool!"-Gillion

"I can't wait to k*ll myself!" -Jay Ferin

"That girl just bit me. and I think I was into it?"-Jay Ferin

"If you zoot one more time im gonna choke you."-Rumi

"…Zoot~"-Peter

"Yippe"-Dakota Cole

"I'm just gonna kms and its gonna be your fault!" -Bizly ooc

"Ahhghduhiejbagci wa"-Kian Stone

"Julian the groomer… has a nice ring to it" -julian

"Its.. sewer ravioli!"-Dakota

"i didn't really think destiny was a thing before i met you, you know everything i had in life was just kinda a shitty hand . i really think it was you that made me feel like we were right where we were supposed to be, you're my friend you know- id drown the world for you" -chip

"CPR THREE LETTERS, WHAT DO THEY MEAN? COMBAT. PATIENT. REPEATEDLY. KICK HIM THREE TIMES GET HIM BACK UP, HE'S GOOD. CURED. Think he had cancer, not anymore" -slimecicle

"That must have been a slant rime because she seemed pretty tilted" -slimecicle

"Be the beans you wish to see in the world" -slimecicle

"A vagina with fangs? Bitchin… What? It sounds stimulating" -grizzlyplays

"Even If it was all inevitable… I'm glad we were written into the same story" -Gillion Tidestrider

"Niklaus is making a deal with russian Goku rn"-Bizly i believe ooc if not Chip

"PRIME DEFENDERS AT THE CONSTITUTIONAL CONVENTION" -William Wisp

"Fuck my fucking gay ass life" -condifiction

"SKIBOMBAY" -gillion tidestrider

"I WAS DRINKING YOU PRICK" -bizly

"He looks like a stop sign and has an ass disorder Its not my fault" -William wisp

"Dude you've GOTTA get advantage on this, dude is built like an among us" -slimecicle

"Beans. Beans. I grow my own beans. They are local and they are green. If you taste them you won't be mean. Come on now and try some beans. If you mean business, then trust my bean business. Have a legume, it won't be your doom. Have a legume, you will enjoom. I see your attitude is kind of mean, but you know what cheers me up? My beans. I grow em in the garden, they don't grow far from my home. Beans. I'm in the BEAN ZONE." -slimecicle

"WHAT THE FUCK??!!! FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDY'S?!??! AEEEEEE AEEEE AE AEEE" -slimecicle

"NO NO NO NO YOUR NOT REAL GO AWAY! AMOUNGUS????!! GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD" -slimecicle

"I am weaponless but not defenceless" -slimecicle

"Don't play the game, eat the dirt, win." -slimecicle

"FATHER, SON, HOLY TROUT COME ON GET US THE FUCK OUT" -gillion tidestrider

"I WILL ABSORB THIS DEMONNNN. IT IS MY MEALLL!" -dakota cole

"You underestimate the power of SEX" -slimecicle

"aHgiA- FORTNITE" -slimecicle

Demonic rambling -slimecicle

"People will say eating chicken nuggets is bad for you, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS BAD FOR YOU? BEING A LITTLE BITCH. WHAT ARE YOU SPONSORED BY SALAD?" -grizzlyplays

"That's right I got two extra hearts and a wooden sword what the fuck are you going to do about it god" -charlie slimecicle

"I'm grabbing bed knife and I'm grabbing bed spear and I'm duel wielding that shit" -markiplier

#jrwi #gayyyy #jrwi podcast #just roll with it #slimecicle #jrwi prime defenders #jrwi gillion #jrwi riptide #grizzlyplays #markiplier #jrwishow #jrwi show

[veganslenderman]

I hate everyone now. Yes, that includes you (the girl reading this).

#the girl reading this #i am so done with everything #i don't know what the fuck i am supposed to do anymore

[an-assortment-of-forks]

there are doctors there are hospitals there are specialists there is medicine there are systems in place so people do not have to suffer and be tortured under their own chronic pain daily and yet. they're all fucking inaccessible to the people who need it most!!! to what I would argue is most disabled people!! I'm so fucking done with the medical system.

#today is an absolutely wretched pain day that makes me want to not be here anymore but guess what! #wasted a whole year trying to convince my doctors I was in significant and disableing pain daily and the best they could do #is tell me to go to PT and to wait 6 months and tell them if it gets better #to prescribe some shit like gabapentin or otc pain meds and write me off #tell me they'll get new X-rays to see if it got worse by the summer #disability exists!! specialists exist! good doctors fucking exist!! somewhere!!! I'm sure!! #but here I sit. in excruciating amounts of pain unable to convince any fucking doctors of anything #and that year I spent pushing myself to the limit is wasted bc at the very end of it all only one guy listened to me #and he said no one in their giant ass facility could diagnose me #so I'm back to square one bc I got a new job which means new insurance and new doctors to try and convince again #I just want to be on disability so i can want to be alive again #I'm so frustrated and in pain constantly #what are people like me who have to work 40hrs to afford to live but don't have any family to rely on supposed to do?? #just die? am i supposed to continue to work until im too disabled to move and be profitable unless i get lucky? #bc some fucking doctor finally decides to actually listen??? #ive tried ALL THE DAMN TRICKS TOO. telling them a friend has it and thats how i found out. that my previous doctor was looking into it #etc etc #I'm SO done living like this i am exhausted. #and to know that i COULD BE HELPED. RIGHT NOW. is the worst fucking part #these systems are in place so people like me dont have to fucking suffer. #but i cant even do anything about it bc i have a cat.

[vraska-theunseen]

im genuinely so frustrated right now the way i always am about this one thing but i can't even sustain the misery right now because i've never been able to come up with any kind of answer no matter how many miserable drafts i write and hours i stay up thinking so it's just making me laugh how the posts im writing to keep in my drafts keep turning into my fucking. autobiography. "...i remember a stage kiss with a tall girl in theater camp (her name was ashley or jennifer or something she could do the splits)" that's literally so funny. jennifer or ashley do you remember playing spin the bottle at the arden theater camp in 6th grade it's apparently pretty core for me

#guys its just literally so stupid bc i have a concern but i don't know if i even want it solved or explored it just makes me feel so fucking #lonely! so im stuck in this place where i dont want to go out and figure it out i just want things to happen to me but i also am scared of #things to happen to me and i also know that its not just a happening to me thing it's a thing i have to feel and pursue but man how am i #supposed to know how to do it if i can't like. literally so dumb i don't even know #i want to have already experienced things i and i want to already know things and how i feel about them because it feels too embarrassing to #be having a go at it now like im a little kid because i'm not anymore but man what am i meant to do just shoulder the whole weight now when #im an adult why couldn't i have it before. why couldn't i know how to do it. and no matter how many tv shows and movies i watxh i'll never #get anything like that bc that's not real. that can't be my bar that's not real! this is so stupidnobody read this nobody read this #alex talks

[grapestones]

The thing is that I'm starting to have feels with Eren and my response is to ship him with Jiang Cheng, too

#help #mr stark im not doing so well #but they would be cute #mdzs #snk #eren yeager #eren jaeger #these fucking names and their changes #what is the truth guys how am i supposed to spell them. i don't know anymore. #jiang cheng #aot #what should their shipname be... #erencheng #i guess #cause it sounds better than erecheng imo

[blue-jester]

I feel sick

#kosa. this. #my entire life has been art #why does everything hate me #I can't do anything else. i don't know anything else #sell my hard work off without paying me to something I didn't concent to #spit in my face #they might start censoring us. Taking away our freedom to express ourselves online #tbh I don't want to live in a world like this anymore #what's the fucking point if they're going to keep taking everything from me #I can't just start over. I can't go back to being nothing #I like it here. But I can't stay here- with my art anyways #how the fuck am I supposed to join a community #on other sites #and if kosa passes.. #will they tare me apart from my friends? Will they sensor everything? #why do they hate us so much. Why does every rich person hate us so much #what did we do to deserve this. #vent

[running-in-the-dark]

I know I've been particularly incoherent for the past few days (again), and it's so dramatic and ridiculous but it seriously feels like something is punishing me. I just want to like things a normal amount. I just want to like people and characters a normal amount.

I don't want to become so fully obsessed that literally nothing else exists and thinking about anything else feels like my brain is being stabbed with a thousand tiny knives. I don't want to need to find every piece of information I possibly can on whoever it is this time. I don't want to feel like I'm (literally) losing my mind when I see them. I don't want any of this!

I can not believe that I exist as a human being on this stupid planet just to get obsessed with people over and over and over again forever.

#like it's not. fun. it's not 'oh haha I just like this guy a lot :3' no it feels like. dying. #like I said I know it's fucking dramatic I know. but it feels SO BAD #and sometimes SO GOOD because nothing else gives my brain that feeling but god damn it most of the time it's just painful #maybe I should try drugs #probably. #maybe I should start drinking again #that made it bearable #but no that's. stupid #but my god how am I supposed to go through this again and again and again so many times in a row #I don't know how to explain how fucking devastating it is to attach yourself to. some stupid idiot (I'm sorry I don't mean that.). only to #not really care anymore after a couple months #what do you MEAN. I literally love this person with every stupid fibre of my stupid being and now he's just. some guy again?? #I don't know. how. not to do this. it's not a choice! it's not something I DO. it HAPPENS to me. #and it only doesn't happen when I'm so depressed that I want to actively die. #anyway yeah it's about John Larroquette and Dan Fielding and Jenkins and yeah I'm the fucking stupidest fucking dumbass on earth #someone hit me in the head to fix my brain please #and seriously this is not normal. it can not be normal. this is not how normal people feel about stuff. it can't be #I think this is why I don't get fandom culture. and shipping specifically. like. no I'm not. I'm not enjoying these characters. I'm not #watching this show and thinking aww these two should kiss :) #I'm. not there anymore. I don't fucking exist. all I do. is think about this person. I can't stop it. #I am not a person when I don't feel like this. I'm not even real. I'm just whoever I'm obsessed with. I say that so much but that's how it #feels! I'm not real. #so anyway when I say 'haha I'm fine' what I mean is no I'm not someone make my brain work right please #I just. see him and start crying. because it's so overwhelming. #maybe I should find a therapist and hope they speak English and show them this post :) #haha no that's ridiculous I could never mention this to a normal person #guess I'll just keep driving myself to insanity with this crap. #personal

[cryptojuice]

take this with a grain of extremely drunk but at this point I'm my journey? now? I'm like literally the idealest person in the world and I think everyone else has something wrong with them

#is it autism? is that why people don't just fuckin communicate with me? #my autistic superpower is im TOO GOOD at communicating and everyone else is behind me. #im already in the 'so how do we meet our needs' stage when other people are in the avoidance stage or the self awareness stage #idk. idk. fuckin tired of it #tired of games tired of excuses tired of IMMATURITY #tired of being more grown than people in their mid 30s. tired of being more grown than my parents in their mid 50s #tired of being the ONLY person i know ACTIVELY working on their flaws and making progress #maybe others are just working on things i dont notice and maybe others dont notice what im doing. but idk. people have seemed to notice. #is it because im becoming buddhist? am i like more fucking enlightened or something? #i would hope that wouldn't be the only thing causing such a disconnect cause that sounds fucking pretentious #im drunk cause i was upset. remember yhis if you're reading these tags #im not upset anymore cause i got drunk. and made a really good omelette #but yeah i feel so different from other people. so much better and also so much worse. hashtag paradox #best communicator deepest thinker most compassionate soul. also most horrible awful sinner #↑obsessed with the concept of sin in a fascinating way for someone who doesn't Believe in it #yes im a sinner yes im a real sex demon from hell no hell doesnt exist yes reincarnation is real yes i am buddhist yes i believe in ghosts. #i contain multitudes #anyways #i was supposed to *** ** ***** *** today and i didn't so I got grumpy i guess #i really need to practice the principles of detachment #I've gotten a lot better at patience and calm and meditation but i still care so much about inconsequential shit. enough to drink it away i #i should sleep i was trying to fix my sleep schedule the last two nights #but i don't want to. i want to drink and have fun and maybe cry #we'll see #doubt anyone is gonna read this it's mostly for me #gonna tag this #therapy #so i can find it if i need it #i just miss my girlfriend man. but she stood me up again without a word and it's disrespectful #and i know I'm gonna forgive her

[inrainbowscd]

person who "can't" (aka doesn't want to) be with u gives u lil gifts and hugs everyday and u (who are in love with him and heartbroken over the fact he doesn't want u) are supposed to be normal abt it. ok!!!!!!! i will literally rip my heart out

#i don't know what to do wtf am i supposed to feelllllll im still heartbroken over the entire thing #and then he acts like this..... what are.u trying to say. pls don't fucking say anything anymore don't do anything anymore but also do #im dying over here..... #ele.txt

[brightside-brigade]

Oh good Gods I'm gonna throw up. I saw it. There's a live stream going on about it I'm gonna throw up.

I'm gonna unsub from that channel. It was supposed to be a safe channel. It was supposed to be silly reddit and 4chan stories.

They're talking about it. It's happening again. It was an unrelated channel. I'm not safe. It's not safe nowhere is safe. Did he know I watch? Is that why it happened? Does he know? He knows. Everyone knows. I'm not safe. There are eyes on me everywhere. Everyone knows who I am. They know when I'm around and they all want me dead.

#scp fictive #scp 963 #Don't fucking touch this if you're gonna say shit too. #i can't fucking do this #i can't i can't #I can't interact with my source anymore. I'm scared. I'm so alone. #The paranoia is killing me. I constantly worry people are gonna hurt me. Everyone hates me. #I can feel their eyes on me. No where is safe. I was supposed to be safe. #I don't wanna be here. I wanna go home #Please let me go home. Or die. I don't know which would be better. #I isolated myself from the community. I stopped talking about myself. What more do you want from me?? #An overdose? A noose? A deactivation? #I'm so sorry I'm still here. #I'm so sorry I'm me #I am so so scared.

[synonymroll648]

⚙️

“Dex,” Keefe says, soft as the perpetual gentle whirrs of the noisemaker that keeps Dex’s room from being overstimulating or understimulating, broken as the mirror Vespera threw Biana through. 

#qpr keefex fic #ask #winterfireice #this was supposed to be fluffy. this was supposed to be a FLUFFY fic. i repeat. FLUFFY #and now i'm writing existential crisis angst that's making me sit down and go oh shit oh fuck #bro i don't even really know what the hell the solution is here #dex how dare you make me confront my workaholic issues >:( i'm a recovering workaholic but i've still got tendencies idk how to shake yet #and writing this was supposed to be EASY and something i am WELL EDUCATED in :(((( #dex buddy why couldn't we have just stuck with comforting keefe and exploring how neurodivergent coded he was in unlocked :((( #ik we're still doing that but throwing this into the mix Was Not The Plan bro :( #why would you do this to me ;-; #(ik why. it's because people in canon don't value dex much outside of his ability anymore and the story said enough exploring keefe's #issues it's dex time and it was such a good argument that i couldn't argue with it. the story's writing itself man i'm just the middle #man now)

[gaystardykeco]

not ready to go back to work tomorrow but luckily im so not ready that my brain isn't letting it fully process and so im just kind of numb except for little moments when the panic breaks through again

#feeling more and more like a robot and less and less like a person the emptier my life gets #the future is so empty like its just work and isolation forever #i have one thing left at the end of this week and then after that its just work and family and alone #and i think numbing out completely is really the only way ill be able to cope at all #i didnt used to really be able to do that but maybe now im to the point where i just have to so its become an option #idk i also might just be lying to myself and be about to get hit really hard with how bad this all is tomorrow #job interview friday. but plausibly i dont think i can take the job even if i get it bc i just dont think i can move to nyc #i just feel like ive hit a dead end #like i was a side character in someone elses story and that person has moved on so im just like floating in stasis #bc my part of the story is over i wrote myself out of their lives so i don't really exist anymore #idk my brain is telling me all these things that i know are silly but feel so true and i just am tired and empty #sorry to be dramatic and complain again just dreading work so bad #i just dont see any path forward thats not this forever loop like i cant make or have real connections with other ppl #and thats whats supposed to make a life real and worth living #but ive never had the capacity to connect right and ive never had passion for anything and ive never been able to really love and be loved #and i dont know how to fix any of it bc honestly i dont think any of its fixable #ill always be an emotionally harmful drain on anyone i think i love and ill always be left when they realize that #and then ive just hurt another person and i dont want to be a person that just hurts people so i cant be around people anymore #but its so empty and its so lonely and i hate myself so fucking much #anyway. i sound like a pathetic whiny teenager lmao sorry i know how stupid it all is i promise

[tardis--dreams]

One thing you need to know about me is that I will never reblog anything that has the addition "this should be reblogged by everyone" or anything of the like.

#unless it's like #really funny and not a guilt trippy kind of bullshit #i can agree 130% with a post and then see that comment and I'm like #yeah no. go fuck yourself. #(this point has been made so many times but people don't get why it's annoying apparently. people don't dislike your stupid addition #because they secretly disagree with the post but because now it seems like some weird social obligation to rb is #rb this or you're a bad person is a clever marketing strategy but it's quite stupid because it weakens the original point #oh you're saying everyone should rb this? well now it looks like the ppl rbing actually just do it out of some feeling #of social obligation. not because they really want to but because they want to fulfill the arbitrary standards you just made up for being #a good person #and don't get me wrong most certainly are most people rb these posts still out of agreement with the original statement #but it's still annoying as fuck and also you'd think ppl would know by now that people don't generally like being told what to do #so my hypothesis is (and i won't do any research to prove or disprove it (i might be very wrong and most people don't mind obviously)) bjt #but my hypothesis is that people who originally agree with the post but have a strong desire of being free in their choices #won't actually end up rbing bc it's just not that free of a choice anymore bc you just had to make it 'obligatory' but we all know #nothing is obligatory on a stupid webbed site like this so they scroll past while people who maybe would have scrolled past now feel #like they might actually be a bad person if they don't do as it says but without actually caring about the content. which diminishes #the positivity the post originally was supposed to spread bc how do you tell ppl actually mean it now when they rb these things #anyway. am i ranting about something completely asinine phenomenon on tumblr.com? yes. #would it be better to not dedicate my time and energy into making a 'hate' post? absolutely. but that will never stop me from doing so #(also works for things like 'you guys HAVE to do xyz [for your (mental) health/etc]'. literally the best advice phrased like this #is counterproductive. post something that doesn't sound like you're judging everyone who does otherwise and maybe ppl will be more inclined #to believe whatever your point or statement is) #ok I'll stop #shut up amy

[arr-jim-lad]

at this point im so mentally worn out that it genuinely feels like im about to have a minor breakdown in face of the smallest possible inconvenience

i've been so consistently feeling so miserable that i feel like my hair being pink is the only thing keeping me within any semblance of sanity

#2 days ago i almost cried bc i really wanted to make a paperdoll for my DIO zine but i hated everything i drew #i spent 3 hours almost finishing one just to realize i fucking hated it #so i decided to drop the entire thing because i physically and mentally just Couldn't Do It Anymore #i'm so exhausted at this point. this project has completely drained me. im so tired im so tired im so tired #i thought to myself like ok so the special edition zine won't have a paperdoll i still have other stuff #i thought the paperdoll was a really fun idea and i felt so fucking upsetting to let it go but y'know there's the other things #....... so today i got the prototype keychains. #which i needed to make promotional photos on monday #so that people who want to order the special edition zine would know exactly what they're buying #and of course: Vograce Printed The Keychains Wrong #the design was supposed to have some see-through layers which were even clearly included on the design proof THEY sent me #but the keychains just... don't have it. there are no see-through layers. they are just normal coloured layers. #so now i have keychain prototypes that don't look as they should and ok sure i CAN technically still do the photos with these #but the keychain won't look as it should and that bothers me #and i dont want to wait anymore bc i really want to open preorders next week #but i'll have to order prototypes AGAIN bc i still really need to see how the actual keychain would look when it's done right #i'm so tired i am so fucking tired i am so exhausted #i am just. fully expecting to see my printer on monday just to be told he hasn't even opened my email and hasn't printed anything #i was waiting all day for a guy to install better internet for me #i was told he will come today at 11:30 #at 1PM i call my internet provider to ask them where the fuck he is #they tell me. 'oh did you not get a message that his visit was rescheduled to 21st?' #i did not. i received no such message. i've already been waiting A MONTH for this faster internet. and now i'll be waiting another 10 day #btw these keychains? i was also waiting all day for the postman to call me and let me know he's at my building #so that i could go get the package #bc our postmen decided that actually they don't want to deliver packages anymore YOU have to go out and get them #he did not call me. he had my number btw. he just didn't call me. he just left a note in my mailbox #meaning that i had to go to the post myself like 5 hours later because that's when packages return to the post office #there were like two more vents in the tags but tumblr nerfed me #bitching about all this in the tags made me feel a little better tbh