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#i dont even wanna write anymore
vinnystarxx · 8 months
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I despise my school... the fuck you mean I have ISS for being late...
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an-theduckin · 5 days
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Why am I not good at anything I do :(
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kineticallyanywhere · 11 months
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the amount to which I am furious on Normal's behalf is perhaps too much but also this that this kid is going through with no emotional catharsis or support from the people around him is awful. perhaps there's my "odd one out of the friend group" experience bleeding in here but like. hhhhrrrrrraaaaaaggggggggggggggggGGGGGGGGGGG if he doesn't keep throwing hands or start throwing words at everyone (except probably Scary right now) next ep I might start doing it for him
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handgiven · 4 months
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i sent in my essay !!! now they can tell me to fuck off or tell me that they accept it !! either way i am somewhat free !!
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bisolationist · 2 months
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I love bi people I love bi people so much but I can't see this topic coming up every day in the course of looking at bi blogs. I feel so fucking insane rn and I'm probably being at least partly unreasonable but fuck it's just EVERY DAY now.
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vampirebiter · 2 months
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ive been a dick about horror since childhood. i distinctly remember being a kid watching the nightmare on elm street movies and being like "wow these arent scary at all and i dont really like them" even when i had basically no point of comparison besides reading goosebumps and scary stories to tell in the dark. i did still watch all 8 of them though.
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phantom-does-a-thing · 2 months
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bleg
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saeshiraw · 9 months
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tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry
#tw rant#studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not#its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels#so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday#i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me#n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone#yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my#friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep#of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle#but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today#i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts#and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics#just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people#im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier#im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk#and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know#but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac#h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe#ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch#people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and#seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want#are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to#spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was#i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next#“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes#me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good#but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im#intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout#but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one?#the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone
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whispers-of-masser · 11 months
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Poor Form
✧ Nebarra x human!LDB, ft. Xelzaz & Khash ✧ Fluff, maybe angst (if you squint), slow-burn with tension; 2k+ word count ✧ Mentions of blood, (poorly written) fantasy violence ♫ "Ritual" - AWAY, Echos ✒ @dalishthunder come take responsibility for this
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It was the grey hour when you woke, the quiet lull between full night and the oncoming dawn. From where you lay in the tent, the only sounds you could hear were the steady breaths of your companions, the breeze rustling by outside, and the lone call of a bird, faint and dim in the distance.
Slowly, you sat up, grimacing at your sore neck and shoulders – though you had long since grown accustomed to sleeping on the ground, that didn't mean you, or your body, appreciated it. You'd have to look into getting some bed cots instead. Until then, though...
At least we stay warm through the night. The oiled leather tent kept out most of the wind, and the beasts you'd felled along the journey had long since become the bedding everyone slept on.
A sudden snore drew your attention to where Khash lay, bundled in her sleeping bag beside you, red eyes shut tight and jaw slightly parted, her sharp little teeth on display. Across from her was Xelzaz, sleeping quietly on his side with his back turned towards you; you could just make out the lump of his tail beneath the blankets. And next to him...
...was an empty bed roll, the fur still fluffed, apparently untouched through the night.
Frowning, you pushed back the blankets, habitually reaching for your sword as you rose – just in case, always just in case – and, taking care not to wake Khash, crawled quietly out of the tent.
The morning had teeth. You felt it the moment you stepped outside, the cold biting into your bare arms, gnawing through the fabric of your tunic and raising goosebumps across your skin. Your breath plumed white amidst the grey, and the dirt underfoot was cold and hard; not even the morning dew had loosened it. You found yourself wanting retreat back into the tent and burrow under your furs once more, pulling them all the way over your head and falling asleep beneath their warmth. Any other morning, you might have done just that. But...
The empty, untouched bedroll.
You squinted into the mist, eyes searching, searching... there. A figure, seated on a rock several metres away, smudged and blurred in the gloom, but glinting a familiar gold.
As you lowered your sword, a sigh slipped from your lips, drawn from some strange mix of frustration, concern, and relief.
"...How long have you been out here, Nebarra?"
"Morning to you too, guar-face," the elf drawled, and though he didn't rise, his helmeted head turned towards you. A thin layer of condensation covered the metal, droplets falling at his movement; his bangs, escaping through the visor, were damp and plastered to his helm. "And all night, to answer your question. Somebody has to keep watch."
"Obviously. But you volunteered for the first shift last night." Frowning, you looked him up and down, not bothering to mask your concerned displeasure. "Why didn't you wake me or Xelzaz? We could have relieved you. We were supposed to relieve you."
"Oh yes, a human and a lizard! I'm certain I'd feel very safe with you two on watch. Your species' eyesight is so much better than an Altmer's, after all."
Your frown deepened, brow furrowing as you stared him down. It was too early in the morning for his snark.
Wordlessly, you brought up your sword and levelled it at his throat. "I can see that gap in your armor just fine. I could kill you right now – and the same goes for whatever may have come up on us in the night."
Nebarra gave a disdainful snort, gloved hand clamping down on your blade and giving a sharp tug. Unprepared, reflexes still sluggish from sleep, you stumbled a whole two steps forward before managing to check yourself.
"Poor form," the elf sneered. "You won't be killing anything like that."
Your nostrils flared, a dozen retorts surging to your lips, but you held them all in.
He's right, and you both know it.
"I wasn't ready", "I'm still waking up", "I wasn't serious" – excuses that could get you, and maybe the others, killed. How long had Nebarra seen this in you? Why was he only mentioning it now? Why hadn't you realised it on your own, that despite your confidence, your skills, your strength – you were still very much mortal? And when had that confidence become something more dangerous – arrogance?
"...What?" Nebarra asked suddenly, drawing you from your reverie. "You have that expression again. The one where you're about to do something stupid."
"Spar with me."
"Terrible idea, absolu... wait. What?"
"Spar with me," you repeated, staring into the black of his visor. "I'm getting rusty, fighting nothing but bandits and mindless undead. This just proved it."
Nebarra was silent for a beat, his head tilting to the side. Something about the motion reminded you of a bird; the eagle-shaped helm only added to the effect. You waited patiently for his answer, wondering what exactly he had to consider –
Metal, arcing toward your sword arm.
You barely managed a dodge and a weak parry with the flat of your blade – you'd been holding it low, unready. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Clearly, Nebarra was done thinking – the two of you were sparring now.
Fair enough. Enemies wouldn't be so polite as to give you time to gear up, either. And now, for once, the odds weren't in your favour: a fully-armoured Altmer veteran with decades of experience, versus you, young, disoriented, and unarmored, only a single blade in hand.
It was thrilling.
You sidestepped another swing of Nebarra's blade – only to connect with it a moment later, coming out of the feint you had failed to read.
Sharp, stinging pain. Scarlet, dripping from your arm.
He was trying to hurt you. And you were giving him ample opportunity.
You needed to ground yourself, regain your rhythm – something you couldn't do without an opening, and Nebarra wasn't giving you any.
A glint of metal on the left – block, step back. Movement overhead, an oncoming blow – raise your sword, throw your weight behind it, disrupt his momentum.
At least, you tried. Fully armoured as he was, Nebarra had an extra thousand angaids of weight behind his swing, if not more. The sheer force of his blow knock your sword out of your hands, sending you staggering back. But the grass underfoot was slick with the morning's dew, and you were moving too fast, too unsteadily. Before you knew it, your back was colliding with the ground, and all you could see was grey sky overhead – and a golden sword coming down.
Careless.
But there was still a chance.
Contorting violently, you grabbed Nebarra's arm as the blade sailed by, nicking your face as it passed. You didn't let go of his arm just yet, though. Instead, you pulled, leveraging your weight against his, abdomen taut as you used him to haul yourself upright. Nebarra, clearly not expecting such a move, found himself betrayed by his own momentum, drawing him forward and down, aided by your weight. Gravity took care of the rest, and he crashed towards the earth, twisting even as he fell to avoid face-planting into the ground.
As he struggled to right himself, you rushed to retrieve your sword; Nebarra was already rising by the time you turned back to him.
"No you don't," you growled, charging the mer, sword raised.
His hand shot out, a ward rippling to life, though it buckled slightly under your sword's impact. Nebarra staggered, his half-risen stance precarious, unbalanced.
Now. Now. Now.
Once, twice, thrice more your sword glanced off the ward – and on the fourth blow, it shattered, leaving the Altmer open to your assault.
Metal clanged as you brought your sword down, colliding with his gauntlet as he struggled to block with it, not given enough time to raise his own sword in defense. You let the blade slide off, intending to follow up with its momentum, but Nebarra didn't give you a chance. The moment the sword glanced off his gauntlet, he lunged, catching you in the abdomen and bringing the both of you to the ground.
The tussle that followed was a blur.
His sword arcing down, yours blocking. Hilts catching, blades flying, yanked out of your grasp and his.
Panted breaths, heaving chests, grappling and rolling across the grass.
A glint caught your eye – your sword and Nebarra's, just within reach.
He saw it too, the both of you reaching out in unison for your weapons, desperate to be faster than the other.
Leather-bound metal brushed against your palm – the hilt. Your hand closed around it, drawing it in close. Brought it swiftly upwards, blade against Nebarra's neck.
At its touch, he froze – and so did you. Because resting against your own neck, biting into the tender flesh, was the edge of Nebarra's blade.
Stalemate.
Ears ringing, heart racing, you shift your gaze from the sword to the one holding it.
Hunched over and straddling you, a leg to either side of your waist, there was hardly any distance between your bodies. The beak of his helm was close enough to brush your nose; your breath fogged on the metal. His gasping breaths may has well have been your own – you could feel them, swift and hot, slipping through the gold feathers that covered his face, carrying the faint scent of wine.
Of course, he'd been drinking. It had probably kept him warm through the night – and he'd still managed to keep you off-balanced for most of the fight.
You were in worse shape than you'd thought.
That, or... maybe Nebarra was better than he'd ever let on.
"...Tonight," you breathed, staring up at him. "Let's... spar again tonight."
Nebarra grunted; you could hear the sound echo faintly in his helmet. "Fine. Don't expect me to go easy on you."
A smile tugged at your mouth – you could feel your lips crack and stretch at the motion, dried out in the cold; you gave them a brief lick before answering. "What, and this was?"
Another affirmative grunt. "I'll be sober by tonight. Unfortunately."
You snorted, then fell silent once more. With your eyes, you found yourself tracing the curves of his helm, pausing at the sight of his bangs peeking through, dark and tangled threads of gold. Something about them was like an itch you couldn't scratch, and you had the sudden urge to brush them aside, or at least tuck them back into his helm.
As your gaze drifted upward, toward the visor, a glint in its shadows caught your eye. Again, you paused, staring intently into the dark.
A reflective sheen, a gleam of crimson –
"Are you done breathing on one another, yet?"
Xelzaz's voice shattered your focus, and both you and Nebarra snapped your heads toward the sound.
The Argonian stood just outside the tent, arms crossed, head bare of its usual hood, scales shimmering in the pale light. Beside him was Khash, a shadowy smudge in the mist; her wide red eyes seemed to float amidst the grey.
"Good morning," you said stupidly, even as Nebarra scrambled to get off you.
"Why were you fighting?" Khash asked. "Did something happen?"
"For your – obviously necessary – information," Nebarra sniffed, dusting off his armour, "we were sparring. And you had better get used to it. Our dear Dragonborn and I will continue to do so, apparently, starting today."
As you sat up, you distinctly heard Xelzaz mutter, "By the Hist." When he turned his head to you once more, there was something incredibly deadpan about his gaze, an unspoken, "Really?" in his eyes.
"What?" you mouthed back, blinking at him in confusion. He only shook his head, and have no answer.
"Right... Well, let's get the fire going again, and I'll see about getting us all breakfast."
At that, Khash's gaze snapped towards him. "Ohh, Xelzaz, can I have some Hackle-lo with it?"
"Khash, you've eaten almost my whole stock."
"Oh..."
"...I'll see if I can't spare a few more."
"Yay! Heh."
"Horker stew for you, Nebarra?"
"I'm too tired to say no... but I'll watch you every moment of its making."
"Yes, yes, as usual. And what of you, friend?" Xelzaz turned towards you, and for a moment, you couldn't answer him – you'd been too distracted watching the scene unfold, a smile on your face.
"Ah... it doesn't matter to me, I suppose. Surprise me."
And so, thirty minutes later, as the sun climbed through the sky and burned away the mist, breakfast was served.
But for some strange reason, all throughout the meal, you found your gaze drawn... repeatedly...
...to Nebarra.
#nebarra#nebarra skyrim#skyrim nebarra#skyrim#i havent written action in YEARS i hope its passable#i tried to remember what my two whole gumdo lessons were like back in high school :DDD#also fyi i know ZILCH abt tes lore n stuff so uhhh pls be gentle w me on that front#i literally spent ten minutes looking up tamrielic weight measurements and then trying to convert that it to pounds and back#and apparently its only referenced in a book that appears in like four of the games so its clearly an OLD book#likely that tamriel doesnt even use that unit of measurement anymore but damnit i wanted to get SOMETHING accurate#anyway that was quite enough research for me tyvm#like mate i just wanna romance this sardonic sunflower#speaking of which i wanna give him flowers?? dont ask me why i just do#give him a boquet of yellow mountain flowers like#'i saw them and thought they looked like u'#to which he scoffs and VERY GRUDGINGLY accepts ONE#prolly tells us to give the rest to khash or xelzaz#fast forward several to months later and somehow we find that one flower v carefully pressed n preserved amongst his belongings#dont touch me i just made myself sOFT thinking about this#im literally gonna have to write it now dammit#dali this is all ur fault u have unleashed the floodgates of my garbage bin brain#........thank u :D#anyway yeah this was originally written for my ldb oc which is why the personality of the ldb here may be a bit.... specific? idk#just swapped pronouns to make it more self-insert/other people's oc friendly#anyway thank god its finally done; only took me three days#not super happy with the ending but oh well#'swhat happens when u dont write for over a year#rUST#rusty as lbd's fighting in this fic#whisper writes
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bryndeavour · 5 months
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I live inside my own world of make-believe Kids screaming in their cradles, profanities I see the world through eyes covered in ink and bleach Cross out the ones who heard my cries and watched me weep
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frostedpuffs · 1 year
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im having a hard time wanting to create content these days
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archirdarchernar · 4 months
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#vent#it feels awful#not knowing what the fuck to do#i WANT like a fucking gluttonous beast#i wanna be good at everything#i wanna be good at art and singing and worldbuilding and writing and editing and animating and academics#and i never feel satisfied#and no ones forcing me to do any of this#i just fucking want to for some reason and its destroying me#i just end up being not good at anything. im shit at studying and sleeping and keeping to deadlines#i want there to be enough time for me to explore everything#for me to learn everything at my own pace and perfect my skills#but it just feels like i have no time for myself anymore#everything i have i must dedicate to studying for a levels and its so tiring. i wanna draw and be creative too but theres so much course#content that its killing me. i want my free time back#and im forever thankful to my parents for moving with me all the way to the uk so i can learn about things that actually interest me but#even that doesnt really mean anything anymore thanks to the standardization of education and especially exams and exam boards#so my parents spent all that effort and money for nothing and i really just want to break down and cry and say sorry#but that would just hurt them even more and even i dont have the heart to do that so im stuck with this and im so goddamn tired#and of course by spreading my attention and efforts so thin everything i do is lackluster so of course my grades are shit#and i get sick often so my attendence record is also shit#it just feels like im a burden for existing like a malignant tumour#and i have to relearn how to cry. imagine that. a grown adult not knowing how to cry#i never knew there was supposed to be emotional relief when crying sometimes because whenever i cry when im overwhelmed...or anytime really#i get told to stop immediately so i got trained to hold everything in.and i get that its easy for the adults to deal with a not-crying child#but i kinda feel cheated#i want that emotional catharsis that comes with crying your feelings out and i have to teach myself how to do it#how pathetic is that#had to get this out there its just too much for me#arc 3am logs
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tokyoteddywolf · 3 days
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Urgh
I'm debating posting The Fic, the fixit for the Teal Mask arc of Pokémon Scarlet/Violet. I've already written a sort of self insert slash fix it for the main game, and I was working on the second part, the Kitakami first part.
See, the problem is the fact that me and the guy who edited/helped/has a main character in the story are... no longer friends, to put it plainly. Ended badly, too, which I regret, but not like there's much I can do about it.
So do I rename the character? Leave it to rot in my docs? Keep everything and finish and post it? I don't know. And I can't exactly ask him. Like I said. We ended it very badly, and I regret it some, but the damage is done with no way to fix it, so we shrug and move on with our lives.
But anyways, my main deal is I don't want to leave my lovely labor of love to stagnate in my Google docs. I want to finish and post it. I want to make the story mine again, since it was my idea in the first place. Regardless of dead rotting friendships still freshly murdered and cooling, burned bridges and all that.
I'm gonna leave a poll then, yall decide what I should do. But I do plan to finish that fic and post it to my AO3 account. Peace.
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gifti3 · 14 days
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violetueur-archive · 5 months
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i might just remake this account/start fresh on a new one?
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moononastring · 2 years
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Just because your personal headcanon doesn't line up with what happened in the actual book doesn't mean the book is bad/wrong. It just means the author wrote what they wanted and what is true to the character and not what you wanted.
You can make your guesses and yell all you want about what you think is right but canon is canon whether you like it or not. Your headcanon is not canon so rereading the actual books might be helpful to differentiate between what is true and what you made yourself believe is true. The author will always know their characters better than you think you do since those characters wouldn't exist without the author.
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