#i feel like i really did just waste this day but i've felt so drained

[tvrningout]

i genuinely don't know how it's almost 8 o'clock ;;

#i feel like i really did just waste this day but i've felt so drained #definitely gonna try to sleep at a decent hour tonight unu #for now i'm gonna try to do some bingo sheets and maybe answer some #honestly doing might be easier than answering rn bc my head feels incredibly empty asdfgh #tomorrow i'll be more active -- sorry y'all ;v; #get ready to ramble | ooc

[amomentwiser]

"Why don't you spend time with us?" they say, "Keep your phone away at the table."

Parents say they want to talk — until it's about anything real.

They don't want to know about how their plans for your future make you feel.

They don't want to know your fears, hopes or dreams.

The things you're interested in — your favourite music, games and movies;

Or the things you've come to believe.

Sometimes it feels like parents don't want to get to know you as a person. They only see you in relation to themselves.

Or sometimes they do talk about music and games and movies, and it's even worse — because the conversations you want to have are serious.

And it's worse because it becomes very clear, that they don't want to have conversations that matter. That, god forbid, make them feel.

They want to avoid talking about all the times they yelled at you. No apology, no acknowledgement. Just glaze over those parts and pretend everything's normal. Neither guilt nor remorse.

And you're left wondering whether this thing you have a memory of actually happened, because everyone is acting like it didn't. And whether your anger is warranted, because everyone is acting like it isn't.

An unspoken decision: "Yes, we were harsh earlier, but we felt bad and are being nice now"

The implied demand: "...so be grateful,"

The undercurrent of a threat: "...or I'll get angry again."

And a push to move on: "Why do you bear grudges? Leave the past in the past."

All these little clues, that you learn to read in their body language and their eyes and their vibe.

And then they balk when you don't call them. Or jump at the chance to spend time with them — or even have a relationship.

It's weird, loving people you don't like. That you'd never choose of your own volition; that you'd never be friends had you met in the real world. People you're indebted to anyway, because they took care of you your whole life and changed your diapers and drove you to school, and what friend would ever do that?

Had they been overly abusive I would've cut them off without guilt; if I didn't know that despite it all, they really did love me, I wouldn't have cared about hurting their feelings.

Some people... you love them only because they are family. If they were a boyfriend, I would've broken up with them; if they were a spouse I would've divorced them. Alas, they are my parents, and I'm destined to love them. To give up a kidney for them if need be, but not any days out of my workweek.

I don't have these conversations with my family because I've come to realise that this is something they're not emotionally equipped to handle. Too much self-awareness would bring out memories not only of the mistakes they made with me, but also all the times adults in their childhood failed them; of all the ways they themselves were wronged; all the years they wasted because of choices they didn't know they had; and all the things they wish they'd done differently. So I understand; the flood of anger and regrets it brings to the surface must be draining.

But that also means that I'll distance myself from them, because for me, their misunderstood love is draining. And because this has to stop somewhere; someone has to start choosing differently — and I've decided it'll be me.

#the daddy's girl to daddy issues pipeline #brown parents #break the cycle #strict parents #toxic family #brown people problems #self love #self care #quotes #writers on tumblr #desiblr #desi culture #desi girl #indian writer #desi parents #dysfunctional family

[bcdrawsandwrites]

Day 9: Scar reveal / Interrogation / Presumed Dead Characters: Sheegor, Truman Warnings: References to abusive relationships, depictions of anxiety Summary: Sasha, it turns out, was not strictly allowed to hire people on the spot, and Sheegor realizes her employment must be cleared with the Grand Head of the Psychonauts. Which is... fine. She's not worried or anything. Or missing Mr. Pokeylope. It's fine.

Sheegor wished Mr. Pokeylope were here.

She also wished she could have done her hair better.

She hadn't exactly had the luxury of being able to do anything with her hair in a long while—it wasn't like they had a lot of usable hair products in the asylum, and it was a miracle she managed to keep it clean at all. Miss Vodello had offered to style her hair for her, but she'd refused—Miss Vodello had been more than kind enough to take her out shopping before they'd arrived (much too kind, and she didn't want to wear out that kindness so quickly), so she could get a nice, clean outfit and new gloves. (The gloves felt so nice—she loved her mittens, but she could move her hands more freely in these, and they felt so comfortable.)

Suddenly realizing she had been wiggling her fingers in her gloves again, she put her hands down firmly in her lap, sitting up as straight as she was able.

Meanwhile, Mr. Zanotto took a seat on the other side of the table, and straightened up some papers. "Soooo Miss... Delucca, is it?"

"Yes!" she exclaimed, only to cover he mouth when Mr. Zanotto leaned back in surprise. "I-I mean, yes, Mr. Zanotto! Um..." She wrung her hands anxiously, her gloves squeaking in the process. "Um... you can call me Penelope if you want, or... or Sheegor."

"Sheegor?" he repeated, brow knitting.

Feeling her stomach beginning to tie into knots, she shook her head. "I mean! You don't have to call me that! I mean—c-call me whatever you want!"

Mr. Zanotto frowned at her, and she winced. But he went on: "Well, Miss Delucca, as you know, Agent Nein is not technically supposed to hire people on the spot."

Sheegor shivered, nodding. Oh yes, Sasha had admitted such to her before they'd left, and she hadn't stopped thinking about it since.

"We're fortunate that I have to be the one conducting this interview rather than Hollis." The man chuckled, and Sheegor wasn't sure what that meant. "I'm sure she'd love this situation if she heard about it first."

"U-um..." Sheegor swallowed. "Wh... what did you need to know?"

Mr. Zanotto chuckled again, shaking his head. "Of course, I'm sure you don't want to waste too much time with this."

Wait—did she hear that right? Did he... think this was a waste of time? That she was a waste of time?

"So, let's get right into it!" Settling back into his chair, Mr. Zanotto held up the short stack of papers in front of him. "Let's see... So you're applying—or, well, Sasha offered you the job—for lab assistant." He looked up at her with a raised brow. "Why do you think you're qualified for this job?"

Sheegor gave a start—was that an interview question, or was he really questioning her? (Why couldn't Mr. Pokeylope be here...?! He would know what to do!) "I-I... I am qualified, sir! I really am!" she replied, gripping the edge of the table. "I can work really, really hard!"

"I'm... certain you can," Mr. Zanotto said, leaning back. "But could you give me some specifics?"

"Um—I—uh... I-I did a lot of work before! I'm really, really good with brains!" She tried to smile at the man, but quickly took note of his shocked look. "I-I mean—I don't have to do anything with brains! I'm not going to steal any! Oh—I mean, not that I've stolen brains before, that was just Dr. Loboto, but I don't work for him anymore, and um—I mean—!" The blood drained from her face, and she clamped her mouth shut.

"It's all right, Miss Delucca.” Though Mr. Zanotto's expression seemed to be very clear that it was not all right. "Perhaps you can tell me about some of your other previous work history?"

"Um... uh..." She wrung her hands, looking left and right as she tried to remember. Work history—she worked for Loboto for so long, but before that she'd worked... at the Asylum? But should she say that? Maybe he wouldn't want to know she'd worked at Thorney Towers—there was a reason it had closed down, after all. And before that she'd... been a patient there, and before that... she... she didn't remember, but she'd worked somewhere, probably, right?

It took her a moment to realize she was staring down at the floor, her hands gripping her head. Frantically she sat back up in her seat, looking Mr. Zanotto in the eyes, but he looked so horrified—of course he was, she couldn't even tell him her work history. This was a disaster—

"...Miss Delucca," Mr. Zanotto said slowly. "You should know that this is just a formality."

Sheegor took a shaky breath, trying to fight back the sobs that choked her throat. "Y-yes..." she squeaked with a little nod. "I understand..."

"There's no need to be—"

"I know, I know!" she cried. "There's no need for this..." Sniffling, she backed away from the table. "I'll tell Mr. Nein that I wasn't hired."

To her surprise, Mr. Zanotto stepped out from around the table, holding up a hand to stop her. "Wait," he said, and she stepped back. "Miss Delucca—or, would you prefer I call you a different name?"

Looking away, Sheegor wrung her hands. "I... um... you can call me whatever you like."

"But is there one you would like to be called?"

She couldn't wrap her head around why he was asking this, and the question itself made her head hurt. "I-I don't know. I think... I like..." Her voice went quiet. "...Sheegor?"

"Then that's what I'll call you." Mr. Zanotto went on: "Sheegor, when I say that this is just a formality, I mean you've already got the job. I trust Sasha's judgment—most of the time, anyway—and I just wanted to make sure we have all the paperwork, and that I can tell Hollis that we've conducted an interview so she'll be happy."

Sheegor blinked, looking back at Mr. Zanotto, who was staring at her with a look that was still definitely not happy—a look of... concern?

He sighed, glancing out the window and down at the atrium. "Sasha told me that you've been working for Dr. Loboto—"

"Not anymore!" she cried, shaking her head. "I never want to work for him ever again! I-I can't, anyway... now that—"

Mr. Zanotto held up his hands. "I know, I know. He told me about the hostage situation and that you'd had... a rough time under his employment."

"Y-yeah..." Sheegor admitted, looking down, only to stomp her foot. "He was so mean to Mr. Pokeylope! And to the patients, and to the brains, and—"

"And to you," Mr. Zanotto finished.

The rage Sheegor felt quickly drained, and she looked down at the floor. "I... um..."

"This will take some getting used to, I know, but here, you won't be treated the same way you were under his employment. We want you to be happy, as well as safe."

She looked at him again, and he looked so... serious. Like he really meant what he was saying. It was like... Mr. Pokeylope.

Were there really that many other people... like that?

Sheegor stared at Mr. Zanotto for another long moment before slowly nodding. "...Okay, Mr. Zanotto. I hope you're right."

He placed a hand on her shoulder and smiled. "Welcome to the Psychonauts, Sheegor."

#sheegor #truman zanotto #psychonauts #my writing #fanfic #have another one of these #(it's an interview rather than an interrogation) #(but poor Sheegor FEELS like it's an interrogation) #i still have like 17 more of these to post #plus multiple more polished oneshots

[skepticalarrie]

ALLIE!!!!

I used to follow you here when I was reallyyyy active in the fandom, always on top of everything. But being on twitter made me realise how much of my time and life I was wasting away on social media. Then suddenly life got busy last year and I took an impromptu break from all my socials and completely fell out of the circle. 2 days ago I decided to read y&b again on a whim and I realised just HOW MUCH I MISSED EVERYTHING!!!! It led me to watching an update video of larry on yt and I FOUND OUT HARRY HAS A NEW STUNT NOW?? LIKE CMON!!!!! I genuinely never thought I would fall so out of touch with the fandom. Ig there's still a part of me that really likes staying out of the drama and the pr and just wants to enjoy their music without delving too deep into anything, but I missed this too. So ofc I made a new tumblr account and followed you first haha!! I'm never (hopefully) going back on twitter now. I want to just be a tumblr larrie for life lol.

That being said,, this'll sound weird buttttt ummmm as a maybe big sister can you pretty please give me a few tips on how to stay updated on everything and not waste my life away on social media? 😭

You don't have to obviously, but I will absolutely kiss the ground you walk on if you did 🙈

Hi anon, welcome back! Fandom experiences are always so bittersweet, right? While you feel good and feel like you belong somewhere, it's also a very tricky and toxic environment. It's nothing like twitter or tiktok, but you also need to be careful with tumblr btw 🤧🤧 Anyways, I'm happy you were able to step away and now you're looking for a more "healthy" approach with social media.

But I don't know how I can help you, I think just following the right people around here who also match your vibe. Like people that you know that they will be posting updates without making a big drama out of it, and with a quick scroll you can take everything in. People usually don't like following "discussion blogs" like mine because of that sometimes, which is very understandable. Now I've been mostly inactive for the past 6 months, but I always talked about stunts and stuff like that on my blog, and that can be super draining and time-consuming for myself and for others reading it. So it was very good for me to step away and completely ignore stunts and any other stupidities that were happening, and I plan to stay like this for a while because for me is not worth it. I didn't exactly feel like I was "wasting my time" here or on social media in general, but I definitely felt like I was worried about stuff that simply didn't matter and I could use that time better. I hope that helps, anon, it wasn't the best answer LOL sorry!!!

#ask #I don't know the first thing about hussel and honestly that's the best thing I ever did during my time in the fandom lmaooo

[amywhereyouwant]

WORK IN PROGRESS FANFIC!!

Hey so I've been working on a TOH fic for a couple days and I thought I would post the first Chapter, feedback would be appreciated!

The Hexsquad has just been thrown into the Human Realm, and everyone is pretty shaken up, but Luz is especially so.

(Fic is under the Read More link! ^.^)

Luz was lying in her bed, staring at the ceiling. She didn’t know how long she’d been lying there for. There was no way this could’ve happened. She squeezed her eyes shut. Maybe if she opened her eyes, she’d wake up back in the Owl House to that familiar scent of fried Griffin Egg she’s come to know and tolerate, with Hooty’s assorted hoots and screams sounding from the window…

Nothing. She was still in the top bunk of hers and Vee’s bed, she was still staring at the shoddily put up glow-in-the-dark stars still on the ceiling from when she was a kid, there was still that faint ringing in her ears, there were still those words…

“Luz, I’m so happy I had you as a Big Sister.”

Luz didn’t want those words to be the last she heard from King, but they were. And now she wouldn’t see him again.

Everything was wrong. Luz knew that. Camila had tried to comfort her earlier, but there wasn’t any doubt. Her friends had been violently tossed out of their home, and Luz couldn’t help but think that it was her fault. She couldn’t stop going through it all in her head. She should never have tried to meet Philip, she should’ve known better, she-

“Luz?”

The voice was just a whisper, but she could instantly tell who it was. Amity was peeking her head over the bunk’s railing, it was hard to see faces in the dark, but Luz knew that it was her Girlfriend.

“Are you alright?” Her voice was as warm as it always was, but there was a shakiness to it.

Luz couldn’t respond, of course I’m alright, she thought sarcastically to herself. It's not like I’ve ruined all of my friends' lives and forced them away from their homes. Even though she hadn’t said anything, it was like Amity knew what was going on in her head.

She gestures up to beside where Luz was laying. “Can I come up?” Luz nodded, and the Witch slowly clambered up the bed and nestled in. It was hard to admit, but the strange amount of comfort that Amity gave to Luz by just being close to her felt like it was about to make her melt into the mattress. The two just laid there for a moment, before Amity spoke up.

“I know how you feel right now. I never really thought about how it felt for you to be launched into the Demon Realm without any warning, you must’ve been so scared”

Luz sighed, If only you knew, she thought. Then it hit her. She doesn’t know. Amity had no clue Luz chose to stay on the Boiling Isles. She wasted every opportunity she had to go home and meet her mom, she had all the time in the world to go back. And she didn’t. For what? To play around and do Magic? What was wrong with her? Had she just left, none of this would’ve happened, she could’ve-

It must’ve shown that Luz wasn’t paying attention, because Amity spoke again, cutting Luz’ overthinking off. “Whatever you think about yourself because of this, stop. You did what you could to help us, to help me. And it… could’ve been worse, we could’ve failed to stop the Draining spell completely and… a-and..” Amity was trying to sound reassuring, but her voice betrayed her, and tears started forming in the girl’s eyes.

“Amity...” Luz brushed away a bit of hair that had fallen in her girlfriend's face. She wanted to say something, but the words got stuck in her throat. Amity sobbed and forced out a slight whisper. “I’m scared.”

Luz had nothing she could say. What could she say? What would make this whole situation get any better?

All she could muster was a small “Me too.” It felt pathetic. She felt bad for saying it, but it was true. She was afraid. For the first time in a while, she’d admitted that she was scared. She was scared for what might’ve happened to the rest of the people on the Isles, she was scared for what would happen to her friends now that they’re here…

Amity sniffled. “I’m scared, but I think… I think I feel a little more brave when I’m with you.” The Witch wiped a tear, then hugged Luz. A warm embrace that felt like getting hugged by the warmest, most comfy and emotional pillow ever to be made. Luz didn’t want to cry. She couldn’t cry. She had to stay strong. 

But she cried. She cried deep into Amity’s arms, bundled up in a mound of blankets and tears, they laid there for a while, letting the tears come out for the first time in what felt like ages. And it felt better. In this upside down world where nothing felt like it was going to get better, they had each other.

_________________________________________________

Hope this was any good, thanks for reading!

#toh #the owl house #toh fanfic #the owl house fanfiction #luz noceda #amity blight #luz x amity

[gageblackwood]

So, many folks with ADD have found that they have trouble doing chores for themselves (Hi, I'm talking about me) but have an easier time doing them for someone else. I have found this to be true as I've helped out a family friend with dog sitting and then various chores like laundry. I cannot do laundry reliably for myself, but it's somehow easy to do it for them.

For quite awhile this was actually relaxing! Like, I was helping someone out, I was getting things done. It helped to have a list, written out by someone else and an external deadline (since deadlines I set myself rarely work for me), and it felt good. Even if I was just sitting on my computer, I was doing it while waiting on the washer, so I didn't feel like I was wasting time.

Sadly, it turns out that this relaxation and feeling good only really works if I'm alone in the house, to be able to complete the list on my own terms and timetable.

When someone is in the house, my brain insists I'm being judged, to say nothing of the way my social battery is drained. Being at the house with just the dog, who as an old boy doesn't require much more than someone to sit beside him while he naps, is a vastly different experience than being there while someone is there. And is also a different experience to when the person I'm doing chores for is there!

Like, one day I was supposed to take the trash out, but the appointment that said family friend was going to go to was canceled so they were there too. And that's fine, it's their house! But then they started gathering up trash and bagging it, and I felt judged.

Because now it wasn't enough that it was done by the time they got back. Now it felt like everything on the list needed to be done right away, or I was slacking. Even if, as before, I was waiting on the washer to finish!

I have no idea how to end this really. Maybe it's just that it's frustrating to find something that works only to have circumstances change, maybe it's how stupid ADD feels sometimes, maybe it's even just a tip that could help someone else get things done if the setup is just right. But getting it typed out has helped me come to grips with it better and to relax a bit again, so if nothing else there is that.

Lastly a picture of the sleepy boy himself, just cause I feel like it:

Yes, he did fall asleep with a greenie in his mouth.

#ADD #dog

[2af-afterdark]

Oof, it's been a hot minute since I've sent you an ask... Sorry 'bout that and also for not sending you any New Year's wishes, irl stuff kept me pretty busy lately. I hope you had fun celebrating! <3

...Admittedly, part of the reason for my absence was that I've also been feeling unpleasantly drained by the Nightmare Pass missions, on top of everything else. I feel a little bad about pretty much coming here and complaining, but I'd like to hear your opinion since you have the Pass activated and I'm f2p, so I wonder how our experiences differ.

I feel like the rewards are.. lackluster, in all honesty. The yellow keys are nice, the frame is pretty... And that's about it. Aside from a small bonus of getting some gems after completing the daily missions, there's really not much to look forward to. It feels like there's far too much effort required and not enough rewards.

Not to mention the missions themselves. God, the missions. I hate the way they work with a passion. The fact that you need to log in daily is fine, the fact that you need to grind a bit is also fine... But then there's shit like "claim a likeability reward" which I'd love to do, except I only have one left over from Andrealphus and still half a Pass to get through. I remember you writing that it feels like being punished for unlocking content, and I completely agree. That's exactly how it feels. I am not going to waste all of my red keys in an attempt to get a new L-grade card since I have all S-grade devils maxed out already.

And speaking of wasting red keys! The "special draw" missions also leave a bit of a sour taste in my mouth. I remember making those single-pulls while sighing deeply because, well, it just doesn't feel like all of the resources I'm consuming are going to be compensated. I spend Solomon's tears, both types of keys, a lot of energy (in-game and irl) and most of the time I get... A few boxes of randomised jellies? That I can get extremely easily through other means? At least make them select-type like the ones in event shops, damn it!

Basically, I'm salty and kind of sad. I love the game dearly, but I think I'm going to give up on the Nightmare Pass. Once I hit a likeability reward mission that I cannot complete, I'm out. The frame is pretty, but getting one from an event shop is going to be way easier and less stress-inducing. I don't want to burn myself out (any more than I already did) by trying to complete it.

So sorry for such a long rant, I ended up getting a bit carried away... I'm really interested in how the effort/reward ratio feels like with a purchased Pass. I'm not really active in the fandom (I pretty much only follow you and the official acc, lol) so I haven't seen people speak about it yet. Hopefully, at least some people have a better time with that hell of an event.

— 💛

So, I used my premium pass from the pre-order rewards on the Nightmare Pass so I could study the way it works from a p2p perspective. I must say, the reward you get in p2p are much better. I received many yellow and red keys, Solomon's Tears, Puddings, Books, Coins, etc. I had unlimited auto-fights in the nightmare dungeon so I can grind coins for the shop easily. Over all, the amount of rewards you get may justify the $60 price tag IF you can afford it and you want the card at the end. Also, this assumes they do this within limited quantities. Like, I would say once every few months at most. Maybe very 2-3 months at most. Still sucks you can only get the card if you're willing to pay out the nose for the rewards. I did look at the f2p rewards and... yeah, not worth it. That is a lot of grinding for very little payoff. I was getting 2-4 reward every day because I was getting the rewards for every tier so it felt more worthwhile.

Also, yeah. I have been playing the game less since the Nightmare Pass started because I was afraid of locking myself out of future requirements for the missions. I had trouble with likability (something I usually max out within 2-3 days of getting a new unit), I was afraid to level up characters and their skills, I wasn't promoting anyone, I wasn't doing anything because I was so afraid I would screw myself by playing the game.

That's why I think Nightmare Pass kind of sucks the most. I felt like I was being punished for having played the game up until this point. Some missions were, as you said, fine. Any missions involving pleasing someone in the Secret Club were fine (not the unholy board because some of those I had maxed out already and it was pain to advance them more). Any missions where I had to fight were good. That I can always do. But missions that have finite end points are terrible (there is a max number of levels characters can have, a max amount of promotions I can do, only so far I can go on an unholy board, likability stops at 100%, characters can only evolve 5 times before they are maxed). Those missions suck because I can screw myself by actually having invested the time into the game before the Nightmare Pass is even out. It actually sucked to basically stop playing this game because I was afraid to play and screw myself out of getting Gabriel.

And the missions are kind of sucky too. Because each stage only unlocks after the previous one is completed, it's hard to know what is coming up and easy to screw yourself. Not everyone has 20ST available multiple times. Not everyone hoards their keys to do the multiple draws over and over again. And having 25 stages that can only be unlocked once daily rather than continuously (since the one mission on each day is to login) it means that if you miss a few days, you are screwed. You can pay to unlock the path with Nightmare Coins, but that assumes you have enough (and each reward gets more expensive as you go).

Overall, Nightmare Pass feels like the kind of event that is aimed toward people who dedicate time to the game to complete the rewards, but those same people can easily get screwed if they put in all that effort too early. The nightmare Pass isn't terrible, but it definitely needs some tweaking. It's the kind of event I would only continue in the future if I really want the card/haven't invested so much I screw myself. Honestly, it feels like the kind of event you finish and only debate purchasing the other rewards after you see how far you've managed to get to see if you can justify the expense.

Also, never feel like you can't rant to me. I rant all the time. Goodness knows I rant all the time... I don't do it because I hate the game. It's me trying to point out issues for others and because I want to see things changed for the better.

#❖ 💛 anon #love letters ❤️ #talkin' whb

[theultracharmingladynoire]

This has been a rant building up for a while now and I just need to put it in here but it's that. I remember the joy and excitement I felt when I watched y/o/i ep 1 - 10 because I literally. Knew nothing about the show except for the fact it was gay?? dvsjgshd but it just was so GOOD but then I. Came across a couple of interpretations of ep 11-12 (which I hadn't watched by then so I had no idea what went down) which was just people being disappointed, people thinking the ending was changed for a season 2, people thinking it was out of nowhere (especially V/ictor's comeback?? I guess??) And that really. messed up my perception of the show?? Like upto then I was forming my own interpretations of the characters and after this I. Was lowkey scared to watch the last two episodes because I was afraid of it being bad™ (if that even makes sense) and then one day even when I did watch them I didn't watch them properly?? Like I even missed a lot of scene and dialogue because I was too nervous about what I had read about it before.

And like. I don't even think those interpretations are entirely wrong for record. I understand that especially when there was a whole week between episodes and when the fandom was so huge and active people might have a very different viewing experience which directly plays into how they interpreted the character arcs! And those interpretation are extremely valid even though I disagree with them. The show definitely leaves a lot upto intrepretation of the viewers so there isn't any interpretation that is necessarily wrong™ (Idk how to phrase this sorry)

But it's just that I wasn't able to form MY own interpretation properly because I was influenced by others' ?? (In lack of a better way to word it) and I just. I've been mulling over this for a whole MONTH and going back and forth and back about the ending. And it just feels very draining when I go out to look for meta and people who had opinions similar to mine and find...like what ten people?? it kind of makes me feel like I am looking at things wrong, and that probably the finale WAS just bad or whatever (which seems to be a more common idea in what I've seen)

I do think there were pacing issues, and I do think the character arcs CAN be interpreted differently than what they are in the finale but I also am a bit sad that not many people tried to recontextualise the show in light of the finale (again, it isn't a MUST But I really wish people tried to if I am making sense?)

And it's sad because I know this can be fun if I just created my own bubble without all the meta and opinions I disagree with but it's hard when that is somehow always what I come across? And I KNOW I should stop reading a post when I see that it may suggest something towards the opinions that I disagree with (because that'll just waste my energy), but then what if I AM wrong? What if those posts are right and I am willingly closing my eye towards what the characters originally are or something?? Is what perplexes me out and really makes me sort of nervous and uneasy(?)

And now it is getting worse and I feel like I am slowly losing all the love I had for this show and it absolutely SUCKS because I just want to enjoy this silly little show and now this is all....just a mess

#N rambles #I feel like I am just repeating things at this point #I've been trying to hold back a lot from venting about this on the main because it just plainly seems like a very trivial thing to be this #upset about #But after weeks of ranting in tags I just feel I really HAVE to say this because it is actually really making me sad #Like. I thought maybe after exams I wouldn't be upset? And I was so excited to do a lot more things for the show #I was so excited and looking forward to this #Especially since I have TOO much of free time now so I also am prone to overthinking in such a situation #And I did and this just sucks and I am fed up with just overthinking and keeping all of this to myself and getting too upset #so. yeah. I still feel very bad but I also think it's probably due to a lot. Of other factors #and this one is not helping #And for one thing: I am actually really nervous about posting this because this seems to be such a dividing topic #And by no means am I saying people shouldn't have been upset - but...yeah #I just. Don't know. I really do wish I could find more people who are active and who liked the finale?? I really want to talk about #The character arcs and themes and ramble about them but there's no one to. talk about it to positively??? #I also want to rewatch the show. It would actually just solve this problem but #I am low-key scared??? I don't think this would be a right time to do it because I am just really confused about this whole issue and it #Will definitely reflect in forming my own opinions and I don't want that #like at this point I just want to discuss about the finale with people who also didn't feel it was too off or ooc or something #And just tried to intrepret it in good faith #Again I don't really care about people disliking it obviously #It's just that*I* wish I could find more people who liked it #(sorry for the weird phrasing in this whole post I am trying to express what I feel but idk how to do it exactly) #Also I used the slashes because I don't want this to turn up on search sorry

[busyfish]

.

sometimes i wish i had never asked you to hang out with me

i wish you would have just said no instead of like getting my hopes up. i wish you hadn't lied about things too when you finally came back.

i spent about a week hyping myself up before i actually like asked. i honestly thought i was going to throw up like every single day before then. i'm a little surprised i didn't after i did even though i was actually pretty proud of myself for actually going for it. it's odd to feel like that is now kind of like the best and worst day that i can remember in a very long time. it took a few weeks to sink in before it felt like the worst. and then a few months before it hit me in the face. i think that is part of what's made it so hard for me to like let go of all of this. why? i want to know why you did everything like this?

you could have just told me you changed your mind. i know that's scary. i know even saying no is scary. but i was VERY scared to even ask. doing the scary thing a lot of the time is the right thing.

i still cannot bring myself to really be upset with you. i miss seeing you around here. even if you never messaged me again i would be so happy just to see you posting. i like seeing the things you like, or even the things you dislike, seeing your thoughts and feelings and things.

i wonder sometimes what you thought of the new mitski album. i wonder if you listened to the new beach bunny album. i wonder what you're reading right now, watching, playing. Are you excited for tears of the kingdom? what version of pokemon are you going to get?

i feel so messed up. i really wanted to be someone that mattered to you. for a while i thought maybe i did. i wanted to be close, really close, maybe even some day your closest friend. maybe that's selfish of me. you said a lot of really sweet and kind things to me. we had some really nice interactions. i was feeling really down and lost and everything around me was crumbling and you were just so sweet and kind to me. you made me feel special and like i was worth something to someone and now that's just gone without any real explanation, probably no closure, and you probably don't even think about me. i feel like such an idiot. i've thought about you every single day since december.

i don't even know what i'm doing. i just have A LOT weighing on my chest over this and i just want to maybe just get it out there somewhere. i'm really tired. today's been draining. i have to hang out with someone tonight and i'm already tired from it. don't get me wrong, she's nice but i don't know, she's just a real big try hard and wants to be an influencer and all that and it's just such draining energy to hang out with someone who's putting on a face for an audience all the time. every time i end up doing something like this it makes me think about you, how i wish i was giving you my energy instead. i would gladly give you my time and energy and i feel like a lot of the time i'm wasting it on other people. i don't relate with a lot of them, even though they're nice and all that, i just wish it was you instead. i have a couple of friends that i do enjoy hanging out with but it's just i feel so often there's people who i'm just wasting time with. i think about the song geyser a lot when i think about that. there's been a few hands that have beckoned. i turn them down. my heart's not into it.

it's really stupid right?

you don't even know. you have no idea how much of a devoted friend you have just waiting here for you, like a dog. i made you a few playlists. i wish i could give them to you. sometimes i feel like they can say more than i can put into words. or at least blurt out. i did blurt out some things to you but it's so withdrawn and i held back because i didn't want to seem weird or crazy. i have promised myself though that if i ever get the chance, i'm going to say the things i've wanted to say. i mean beside liek here just embarrassing myself. i know that this is such a misunderstood thing and i hate explaining it to people because i feel like there's a lot of misconceptions. i've had someone tell me that i'm not being honest with myself or whatever and i've been bullied from feeling or expressing or whatever about you. i do feel a lot of heartbreak. i had really hoped we'd be able to be closer and it looked like we were going to finally walk down that path or whatever. but now i'm here by myself wondering why you chose to do things like this.

#personal #long post #just ignore this if you want to continue having a positive opinion of me

[annesthaeticc]

just wanna get this out of my chest.

okay friends, this is where i get personal now. i just really wanna get this off my chest cause i thought that i'm fine, but i'm actually not. forgive me for the long read.

WARNING : mentions of suicide attempt, and domestic & emotional abuse.

so, some might know, or no one might know, that i'm actually turning 20 this july. and i'm about to study psychology for the second year. basic facts, yeah. the fun thing is, i've always wanted to study in a far away place, and move the fuck out of my parent's house. i've always wanted to separate from them because i've always felt abused, i've always felt the trauma that never seems to leave me.

luckily, i managed to enroll in to a university that's located in the province. at least an 8 hour drive away from 'home'. but now, since we're in a pandemic, i'm stuck here, studying through remote means. and i can't wait to move out and relocate, and live on my own.

see, i'm starting to realize that i might actually be better without them. without their incessant nagging, their secret disappointment in me, their pity, their tiptoeing when it comes to my emotional fragility. i feel like i could live on my own, take care of own. and i'm confident on this. i've made plans on how am i going on with my life; like take a jog in the park near the university, eat breakfast, take a shower and get to school in time, go home, study for a bit, watch a film, then sleep, and then repeat. and do more adult stuff in the coming days. i don't tell them this, of course. i've decided that my life away from them, is my life. no one should dare to place their opinions on how i should live it.

i'm coming to realize that, as long as i stay here at 'home', i'll never be free. because i'll always be reminded of the times i got shouted at that got me into severe panic attacks. i'll always be reminded of the bruises my dad inflicted on me through his belt beatings, that not just left be bruised, i wasn't able to sit for a week. i'll always be reminded of what i did to harm myself; the cuts, the poison i ingested, because of them. i'll always be reminded of the times i cried myself to sleep, hoping, wishing, i could fucking disappear.

they never apologized for those. and even if they did, i'll always always remember. i'll bring those memories til i die.

until recently, i got diagnosed with depression and anxiety. that's when the tiptoeing started. i feel like they're treading on thin ice when they're with me. and i've got this sickening feeling that they're probably talking behind my back. they're probably talking about how i'm wasting my life; instead of going to a driving school or doing these amazing things that i'll never achieve.

they're probably talking behind my back about how i'm wasting my time by watching films or writing; the only things that make me happy right now. and that hurts.

what hurts more, is that i can't tell them this: "don't worry, i'll get my shit together, once i'm out of your 'home', once i'm out of your lives"

anyway, main reason i'm writing this is because i'm in the middle of doing an edit when they decided to give me a talk about not religiously attending church. and all of my creative energy just got washed down the drain. i'll have a hard time recovering from this. main point is; i cannot wait to move out.

if u ever make it her at the end, i wanna say thanks for reading/indulging me during my mini rant session. i appreciate it.

sending u hugs, anne. <3

#anne says hi #anne shares stuff #lol anne is not foinnee

[lifewithoutmeds]

February 26, 2024

feeling better, in general, about things, thankfully.

quick ... month's recap: Monday, February 5th: went to visit caroline in the hospital. also met up with grace, her husband, and patrick. grace brought delicious burritos from sonoratown and we chatted with caroline as if things were normal despite the fact that she had had a seizure, was hospitalized, and more recently, we learned that she had a large brain tumor that would likely need removing. i teared up seeing her in the hospital bed, in the hospital gown, but i eventually was able to stop. Tuesday, February 6th: Lorena swung by on the way to work and we chatted and caught up a bit. Later that day i went to a 6:30 showing of Poor Things at the local theater which i didn't love, but am still glad i saw, just to see. Wednesday, February 7th: In the office. It says ... lunch with Lana. what did we eat? Hmm, strangely no idea.

Friday, February 9th: Doctor's appointment, dinner with Lana, as she swung by with fish king poke and salads and we ate a nice healthy protein-filled dinner. then we ubered to Hot Goss in ... Cypress? and we watched Sophie Santos again and some other queer or allied stand up comedians, and it was great. i a bit avoided sophie as i had recently learned that she was in a serious relationship with a very reputable and older director, and so i wanted to stay out of the way, out of respect.

Saturday, February 10th: Matt K came over with some e-waste and we dropped it off in sunland, then went to Barcade to meet up with his friends, and then i rushed home to sprint out again for a speed dating event downtown. traffic and parking was horrible, but i met up with steph, met some nice people, and then we kinda went to town, eating at sushi gen, and then winding up at Eighty-Two, drinking too much, and making a new friend, who in retrospect I don't think i care to keep in touch with. Sunday, February 11th: No church as I was just too tired to do anything. Probably did nothing the whole day and regretted how a few hours of fun at night did not equate the entire waste of the subsequent day. Monday, February 12th: worked from home, then went to CVS to pick up photos of Rafa for grace's surprise visit. Wednesday, February 14th: In office.

Thursday, February 15th to Tuesday, February 20th: a whirlwind of airbnb's, hotels, meeting up with grace, her family, and her friends, antoinette, her family, and her friends. lugging a heavy duffel bag everywhere, taking endless subways and buses, taking my heavy jacket on and off, sweating, then shivering. there was some fun, but more crying, which i'm a bit too tired to get into at the moment and which i've rehashed enough to kind of be over talking about for now. i also watched three episodes of The Curse, and decided to watch it once i got home, even though it meant subscribing to the Paramount Plus channel. Wednesday, February 21st: In office Thursday, February 22nd: Dr. Sobhani appointment at lunch and Kelda afterwork. Dr. Sobhani was rather pleased at my progress so we pushed our next appointment out further than usual. i also felt some progress with kelda and i was calmer than usual, which was nice.

Saturday, February 24th: Just slept, for hours and hours. i think my mom briefly came over with some bread/pastries, and i ate it, chatted a bit, then went back to sleep. i felt a bit bad that i wasn't productive and didn't check off anything on my list, but i also felt that i really needed rest, and that my past week had been super draining and i kind of enjoyed just lounging about, knowing i had no real responsibilities, and zoning out to meaningless things on youtube.

sunday (yesterday), i didn't end up going to church, but a bit at the last minute, hung out with tracy, who is still reeling from the unexpected passing of her mom. she picked me up as i've been having car trouble, we went to Gap outlet in burbank so she could return something, meandered about the mall, did a brief hike nearby, and then got some sugarcane drinks and wandered a bit before she dropped me back off. it was weirdly ... like comfortable, and not stressful. it was ... easy. i think there are so few people i can be like that with. lana. maybe nida. and i guess her, which is weird because we've known each other for just under a year but somehow we're pretty similar and/or she's just so empathetic that she gets me regardless of how different we are. i also watched In the Mood for Love at the local theater at 7 and was struck by how much i still enjoyed it, and how it dragged less than i remembered, how effective the music was, and how gorgeous maggie leung was. new crush. although now she must be in her 50's or 60's.

today is monday, February 26th, and it's been a productive day of dishes, work, dropping my car off at the mechanic's, getting picked up by my mom, and treating her to pho. i just agreed to get dinner with Patti even though i subsequently remembered that i don't have a car, but I do have uber, so i'll just get driven over.

i'm feeling weirdly ... calm. is it the drugs? am i getting exhausted with the sadness? within a week the Sophie storm that had raged through me just as suddenly calmed down. this morning i took a brief walk in the morning as the sun rose, and i think even made my bed almost as soon as i woke up. i've been weighing myself daily and committing to losing a healthy and hopefully attainable 1 pound a week. i bought some apples and i ate one yesterday and one today. i'm trying to get in 1-2 servings of fruit/vegetables a day, and average 10,000 steps/day/week. i walked close to 20,000 steps yesterday, but today was significantly less, partly due to taking my car in during my lunch, and partly due to some random rain that prevented me from going after work.

but in general i feel more calm, less frenzied. i'm journaling, as can be seen, and i watched 1-2 episodes of The Curse each night until i finished it. i read a bit yesterday too and think that i might be able to finish this book by the end of the month, which would be fantastic as I started this in August or September and i've been having so much trouble reading, and just focusing on anything but my own misery in general.

although i'm almost always focused "on myself," i'm trying to just be mindful and intentional with how i spend my time, with my diet, my exercise. i'm trying to decrease screen time, see more shows, and experience things outside of my head, and outside of my condo. i've eaten at a bunch more restaurants and bars so far, so think i'm okay with that aspect, but am thinking now that instead of a bar/week, maybe i could switch it out occasionally with a coffee shop/weekend, and i'll sip some coffee and read a book for 30 minutes or so. and just be. that might be nice.

i'm also cleaning more, and noticing that there are things that could use a deeper cleaning. my flatware. the little dirt trapped around my windows that make it harder to open and close. my laptop. just finding little projects around the condo that make me feel mildly productive but also maddeningly dull.

and i'm remembering .... that i'm feeling more like a former version of myself, but one that i don't find so despicable. yes, i kind of just endlessly scroll for things i might like to buy at REI and random camping goods that once i purchase, i immediately forget, but i'm also enjoying movies again, i'm tracking things, which i weirdly like doing. i'm watching minimalism and frugal living videos instead of police body cameras. i also feel like i'm a bit funnier, a bit lighter, a bit more appreciative.

i'm hoping i'm on a bit of an upswing and this isn't just the minor blip before the inevitable fall. i want to be more disciplined, and feel like the central character in a story, in my story. i don't want to feel ashamed of the way i look, and want to be in a body that i'm proud of, and in clothes that i think flatter me. i want to make sure i get regular haircuts and massages and exercise and just ... all of the things. i want to feel and be healthier.

i think i'm doing a bit of a better job in trying to clean things up in my condo. i got rid of a few bags of e-waste, like jadai's old vacuum and my robot vacuum, some wires, batteries, etc., just things i've wanted to get rid of for a long time. i took some stuff over to goodwill, and to the animal shelter. there's a lot that i've left undone, that i just .... lost the motivation and lacked the wherewithal to address, but i can feel myself gradually starting to care again, noticing things that need repair and/or attention. like getting rid of the old line in my fishing rods, and giving them a rinse as they haven't been used since last june. steven t has been reaching out and updating me on his kids, and wanting me to spend more time with them. grace k's family apparently has lice right now, so can't be socialized with, but once they are, i'd like to see them too. i'm just .... feeling things other than negativity, which is such a relief.

[lightadarttomendyourheart]

i'm tired. its almost 3am. but i had a really, really good day today. one of the best weekends i've had in a really long time in terms of feeling good and being at home. i didn't feel like i didn't do enough. i didn't feel like i wasted the day. felix was so sweet and spent most of the entire day with me, near me, cuddled up, being cute.

the countdown says 17 more days until ADE. it's coming up quick.

i ordered my halloween costume today finally, i just need to get 2 more things and i'm set.

i hope we get to speak tomorrow. it's been fine while you were away but i miss you. it's so crazy to think if things had worked out you would be here right now. we would've had the best weekend, but i would've been tired lol. obvs whatever we did would be good, but i really needed a day like today for a long time. i feel like i haven't had a proper weekend that i felt rested in a long time. always waking up early and just not feeling fully caught up on sleep. i had the most glorious lie in today. i just always feel like if i sleep in past 11 i'm wasting time, but today i let myself sleep until 1pm and honestly, i should do it more often. i'm letting myself sleep tomorrow too. i need it. i deserve it after the hellish last few weeks at work, especially last week. so emotionally draining.

and then only 2 more weeks of work until we're off to amsterdam and ADE and seeing you and iyad and pati and lena. and europe. and amsterdam in autumn, one of my favourite things is europe in the fall. anywhere in the fall, really, but especially europe.

#personal

[frogsandfries]

I have had possibly the longest week of my life.

I couldn't do laundry on memorial day.

I had to run to the clinic for my blood test. Got a fairly heavy package yeeted at my head before, while I was at work, so I was getting dizzy while I walked to the bus and the clinic. Looked at Arby's and for the first time in my life I was like 🤢.

I didn't want to waste my time at the ER--I wanted my laundry done for this move which I was looking forward to happening this weekend. I'm going to have to wait till next week, to wait for the new apartment to be in livable condition. So I did a really rudimentary pupil response test in the bathroom. The results seemed normal to me. When I finally got some rest, I felt better, so any confusion may have just been down to fatigue. I got the laundry done Tuesday, and folded and packed most of it Wednesday.

My ex has been harassing and bullying me all week. I take cold comfort in the fact that she blocked me. It means nothing. But I'll admit that being gaslighted that hard, it was triggering and without the tools to handle it myself, or a friend who one of us could easily go to the others' place to ground me, all I could do was seek out a completely objective third party to help me get grounded again. I didn't realize that was a mental health concern I needed to have, so I will happily work on that in therapy.

See what I'm saying? Of course you don't, I didn't mean for that post to go live and my ex was stalking my Tumblr to catch me. I don't know if they screen shotted the post; I don't know what kinds of records they've been keeping.

By the way, reading those messages outside of the moment, the gaslighting seems fucking nuts lmao. It's like when my womb donor used to gaslight me verbally (that person used to also move my possessions) and I was like, this is nuts, is this shit supposed to work?? But then they hound and badger you, upsetting you, and as an authority figure in your life, they really get you going. It was having my shit moved as a kid though. That has really had far-reaching impacts on my life.

Anyway, likewise, they don't know for certain what all I've been documenting. And I sure as fuck won't make the mistake of sharing that. Nobody wants to see that shit. Everyone I've entrusted to hold copies of these images gets angry on my behalf.

Additionally, according to my ex, they didn't throw a box, it's my word against theirs. According to my ex, they've been nothing but cool and kind and so helpful. Y’know, except draining the joint account--it was my stupidery to put my tax money in the stupid joint account--but like, I totally chose to just gift them that money, I should have been more specific about how I wanted the money used 🙄 riiiiggggghhhhht. They've never respected me in three years, why would they start after the dissolution of the relationship. I could have put it in my personal private savings. I should have put it in my personal savings. Personal funds henceforth become personal investment or savings. I will decide what happens to these funds.

Apparently, I didn't need my two thousand dollars, I wasn’t using it. She needed it sooooooooooo much more than I did, so she could properly court her new plaything. 🙄 I would say, I wonder how it feels to have fun with stolen money, but most likely, she's convinced the plaything that either it wasn't stolen, that I'm crazy, and/or somehow, my ex deserves that money. Like, maybe I've been preventing them from getting employment somehow. It's always like that with this type, they're being prevented--not by their own brain, but by a person who might be begging them to get a job because two fully grown adults who can and are earning money makes life easier for both.

I could do a whole post about how I was lied to my entire relationship "I'm trying" "I'm working on it", as told to me with eyes glued to a fucking video game. Even the recent admission that they didn't give a shit what was in my dating bio. They didn't give a shit how many times I hounded them. They didn't give a shit how much it stressed me out and frustrated me. They clearly, very obviously didn't give a shit about the clear, obvious impact letting this place be covered in spilled food and drink and dirty dishes and dirty counters would have--is presently having. They never. Fucking. Respected me. Of course I fucking saw this. Of course I felt stuck. I couldn't get rid of them; how was I supposed to get the money together to move out?

Anyway, since my ex already knows:

I got detectives to remove the computer, so the computer is in Big Timeout and neither of the children get to play with it. If the plaything didn't bring her computer, I'm sure my ex bullied her into buying one so they could empty the hard drive. Or maybe they just trashed it. Who knows. My ex lied to me for three years, so who even the fuck are they? But I keep referring to a hard drive, so I think it's some kind of felony or something if they destroy the hard drive so it can't be searched. Not my problem. I told her I didn't want that shit in my house. I just wanted it to stay an obnoxious meme. I don't know why I imagined she might respect me/my wishes.

I hope with all this drama and stress, the new plaything is seeing more than I was able to. She'll probably just think whatever my ex tells her to. She's super young. Younger than either of our youngest siblings. Which I think, knowing my ex, is weird and gross. But nobody asked me, "age is just a number". My ex doesn't seem to comprehend that most people, normal people, look up to people significantly older than they are. Most people are easily influenced, by their peers.

So anyway, my ex's inability to share the computer with me is really going to come back to bite them. My womb donor's brainwashing is coming back to bite me because I'm sitting here thinking, like, I'm crowing so loudly for this computer if I can't have my cash money back. But I'm also complaining--fairly--that I never get to use the damn thing. What if I sound solely like a bitter ex who just wants to pawn my bullshit off on my dumb ex? That's so dumb. It's pretty obvious I never use the damn thing. Look at my chrome history if you want to see my patterns of use. Looottttttttttssss of image searches for random shit--flowers, poses, I think if you know that I'm a visual artist, it's pretty obvious I'm looking for studies. If you don't know, I'm just super fucking random. But I have nooooooooo idea what my ex's internet history looks like, just that it would be completely different from my own, a digital thumbprint as different as a whorl is from an arch.

Anyway, she's got the two thousand dollars. She can't give it back because she doesn't have a job and there is nothing to give back. She can afford a few more days of Airbnbs or motels or I don't fucking care. I have no sympathy. She had dozens of opportunities to put the money back and cause me to leave the apartment. I'm not leaving the fucking apartment. I work here and I'll be damned if I get fired the same week I get my own apartment. It's not fucking happening.

Every time she has given me information about moving out, I have gone back to the office, physically, my god damn self, to fact check: she cannot change the locks. That's a violation of the lease. The lease does not end until the 18th. She can change the locks at the change of the lease. I don't care; property management will even send maintenance to do it properly. She cannot throw me out, the lease is not being terminated by property management. Her guest is not on this lease. I'm not fucking staying here because it's fucking fun. I'm staying here because I don't want to lose my fucking job.

I think my final point is, I am pretty confident in saying, I could piss a negative pregnancy test and I am genuinely concerned that my ex would do their best to keep an eye on me by whatever means possible for at least a few years. For my own privacy and safety, I will just keep my fertility journey to myself, at least for a while, until everything has settled.

[wokesoul999]

healing my trauma : part one

I used to be just a little girl with high hopes for myself once I became older. I couldn't wait to grow up so I could get away from my not so awesome home life and all the people who never really appreciated me or even really gave a shit about me and my well being to begin with. Those people consisted of my "family". I had friends I went to school with growing up that had great home lives with both parents and got everything they ever wanted because money was never an issue. I also had friends that grew up in the same neighborhood's I did that had very similar lives to mine. I grew up with an Opioid addicted mother and a step father that did not help my mom with her addiction, just made it so much worse. Other than my mom being married to my step dad she had different men come in and out the home every couple months. Sometimes she landed a boyfriend for a couple years but never longer than 3+ years. The men she dated was always the same. Barley holding a job or no job at all, did drugs or sold drugs or both. They were all wanna-bee white "thugs". Knowing damn well they couldn't last a day in a real Gantsa's life style. They all had "mommy" issues which isn't a shocker considering my mom had "mommy" issues too. Every single one of those men put their hands on her. Yelling and watching things fly across the room or hallway was the norm for me. Hearing all the bad things you do but never the good was the norm for me. I was a child being brought up in a home with no hope, no promise, no positivity and damn sure no love. The closest thing I ever got to "Love" was when my mom was loaded up on pain killers and gave me love every once in a blue moon when she felt like being motherly. I never made good grades throughout school, my mom was even a school teacher and I was failing every subject.. that's wild.

At a young age I always got very easily irritated and through a fit if something wasn't done the way I thought was correct. I remember being very emotional as a child not really understanding how to handle all the emotions I was feeling. I often asked "why me" as a child. I hated my life. I never understand how I could be delt such a shitty life. All I craved was happiness and peace and love growing up.

I have always loved hard and always saw the good in people no matter how many times they showed me the bad in them. I always gave people chance after chance. I never understood how I could give my all to the people I cared about but I was never enough. Every single person I've ever loved has left me. I ended up developing Abandonment Issues at a very young age because of everyone leaving me even though I loved them uncordially no matter how messed up they were.

I was S/A by my Grandma's second Husband. I was just a toddler when it started and it finally ended when I spoke to a friend about it at the age of 10 ,she was immediately concerned and told her mom about it. Her mom called the police and they picked me up that night. I was placed in Foster Care shortly after. They placed me in Foster Care due to being "Neglected" and "Abandoned" not once in the report did it mention S/A. I never was asked any questions by the police when I was taken from my grandmothers home. I had some therapy sessions about it , I went to 5 different offices that had this picture of a girl body (pg. rated) and they would ask me where I was touched and would want me to go into full detail about what took place. I repeated the story to so many professionals it started to get draining and I had to re-live it in my head every time. I realized quickly that these people keep asking me about a situation that they are going to do nothing about. I was just wasting my breathe explaining my traumatic experience to people that really didn't give a fuck. I never really gave a fuck until I was older. I grew anger at the fact that nothing happened to that man for doing what he did to me. How is it fair that I end up stuck with the trauma that comes from being S/A and the man that did it got to continue to sit in his musty ass chair and live his distrusting life with my grandmother that thought I was lying about the whole thing.

I've been misunderstood my whole life. I always heard something like..

"She is just a trouble making child."

"That little girl doesn't respect anyone."

"She is nothing but a liar."

"You were such a bad child."

"You never listened."

I was such a "troubled" child because I endured so much Trauma it developed into BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) I didn't become aware of it until I was 22 years old. I realized their was something wrong with me upstairs. It was more than just my shitty basic child hood or how I was never taught to express my emotions. I was always told to "suck it up" , "stop crying before I give you something to cry about." I never was able to feel what I needed to feel. I had to suck it up and hold my emptions in. I always had to be someone I never really was. I was a bad child because I craved Love, Affection and Appraisal. I saw that I got attention when I did bad things, even if it was not the attention I was seeking, at least I was getting something.

Today I am an adult who struggles with my emotions and expressing why I feel the way I feel. I don't trust anyone, because everyone always leaves. I struggle with not feeling good enough for anyone and then somedays I feel as if I'm too damaged for anyone to want me anyways. I come with a lot of baggage. I know this. I'm at a point in my life that I am completely aware of how I am and why I am the way I am, and yet that doesn't help me at all. I struggle everyday with who I am and my identity. I'm a mom of 3 young children. I don't want to mess them up because of my Trauma. I try everyday to make sure they don't go through anything I went through as a Child. Yeah I think I'm doing Okay with making sure I raise decent happy humans. I'm proud of the mom I've become. I learned at a young age what type of mom I wanted to be just by watching how my mother was. I never wanted to be anything like her. I would be a greater mother to my children than she ever was to me.

to be continued...

#BPD #mystory #childhood trauma

[through-thorns-to-the-stars]

So... Yeah, it's been a long time since I posted anything here. A lot happened in my life, so much got messed up in the process, during those years of break. I moved out, lived with the person I spoke about in one or two posts before. Turned out badly, we broke up and live separately right now.

It's not like any of us were bad people. But we're both people with big issues we didn't knew or still don't know how to fix properly. I learnt something about myself, that I actually don't know how to and if I can fix at all. Currently I'm on the wait list for psychiatrist appointment to diagnose with autism spectrum disorder in mind. Not really fond of the word "disorder" but well. Along with that comes my issue, that I tend to swing around a lot. From feeling lonely to being overwhelmed by social interaction and someone's presence in the same space. It was a nightmare living with someone, but it doesn't mean that I wouldn't want a romantic relationship with someone sometime in the future. Not sure how to handle this and I feel lost.

Other than that, I've come to terms with the fact that I never really overcome my depression. It just became more functional, that I can manage on my own, but it still makes my day to day life hard. Mood swings are the worst, from feeling relatively fine to not being able to leave the bed. Suicidal thoughts never quite came back, but desire to just stop existing appears frequently.

My self esteem is still fragile and unstable, I realized most of my life have been driven by codependency and trying to make other people happy, to the point I was denying myself boundaries and neglecting my own needs. It led to frustration, that combined with my partner's issue caused us to break up. Maybe for the better since now we at least aren't making each other unhappy.

But what do I really want? I don't know. I dropped out of university in the last year, right before my master's degree. I work a job that's not fitted to my needs and drains me every day. As the end of the year is approaching, I think more about the future and realize that in fact, I don't have any goal to look up to. All this time, at least I had some milestones to achieve that society set up for me and even if they were giving me false sense of achievement and fulfilment, I felt like I was doing something and not wasting my life away. Now it's gone and I'm struggling to find my own way and my own place in the world.

Finishing highschool, then going to study on university, then finding stable work, moving out, living with a partner I set up future goals with, with who I planned our future. All of it is gone. In the meantime I failed some relationship with people I cared about, lost contact with two friends and now I'm not sure if I can ever rebuild that. I regained contact with one really important one from years back... But as much as it fills me with joy and love, it fills me up with fear.

How do I not fail another person? I'm scared about messing up again like I did with my partner. I struggle maintaining relationships and past experience with my partner fills me with huge doubts. It was a person I knew for almost 13 years of my life, almost half my lifetime, I was in relationship almost three years. I thought we were in it for the rest of our lives, never thought we could really split... Thing like that makes you thinking. If it didn't work out with someone who knew me for so long, who had a lot of patience to stick with me, then how is that supposed to work with someone who knows me less? How to not hurt another person like that ever again? I overdo, I overcompensate, I tend to doubt my judgement, I put another person above myself and then struggle with frustration, my emotions, burn out, till I snap. I need regular therapy but I cannot afford it right now with inflation and costs of life spiking in my country.

I guess... That's it... It's just a huge complaining post.

[pandemellia]

Ugly thoughts #1: Your suffering is the ✨highlight✨of my day

On Monday, my ex's partner that he cheated on me with and left me for in March tweeted about how upset they were with getting dislikes on a video they posted on Youtube.

And for those that may have stumbled onto this post and don't know my story:

It's in my carrd in my pinned post and If you don't wanna read that; long story short, when I tried to kindly warn them about how my ex cheated on me, they just blocked me. Therefore, that means they knew he was in a relationship with me when they participated in the emotional affair. I know cheaters in these situations should get most of the blame, but you're also a horrible person if you're like this. I absolutely loathe anyone who supports cheaters, are homewreckers, those who jump into one relationship to another way too fast, or rebounds who are aware their partner just got out of a relationship. So I think I have good enough reason to hate this waste of space bitch. I don't personally know them, but them blocking me when I tried to tell them the truth is all I need to know about them.

Back to this rant, they also bitched about this on Instagram where let's say the likes to dislikes ratio wasn't going in their favor. They said they were happy they got so many views on it, but the dislikes made their self esteem plummet. Now I'd like to think that I'm a decent person. I try not to hate on people for no reason. I don't go out of my way to hurt people, and I keep to myself in real life. However, situations like these really make me wonder if I'm just a horrible person who fakes kindness. Because when I read this, I felt so great. Like, wooww you're upset that something you worked hard on was received poorly? HA! That's how I felt when I tried my hardest not to be consumed with resentment for my ex cheating on me. I really wanted to save the relationship, and not throw 4 years down the drain. I tried my best to suppress my jealousy, and get over what he did was quickly as possible. And what was he doing? He never once reassured me that it wouldn't happen again. Instead, he lead me on for two months on a "break", where he essentially ignored me and started an emotional affair with your useless ass. He even had the audacity to use me for sex less than a week after he broke up with me, and then made it "official" with you a few days later. Aww you really thought you found your "oNe tWu lUv"? Bitch, he wanted to fuck me; and when I refused, he ran to your easy desperate ass. You really thought you were special.💀 Your self esteem plummeted? I felt fucking worthless when I found out he shared nudes/suggestive pictures of some hoes (including YOURS) on Discord and exchanged nudes with people. My self esteem went to a whole new level of low when he used me for sex, only to find out he left me for YOU. That's why no bitch can tell me that getting mad that your partner liking another girl's pictures is "iNsEcUrE" or "cOnTrOlLiNg". Fuck that, because this is what'll happen when these assholes do shit like that. And fuck your self esteem. I hope it falls so fucking low, the self-loathing will get to a point where you think the world would thrive with out you. 🌺 Because that's how I felt (sometimes still do) when he abandoned me. And you'd best believe that neither you nor him would survive the pain for long, not at the intensity that I'm suffering. I hate when people play the oppression Olympics, but I think I could win a gold medal on this one. The pain you felt the feedback on whatever shitty video you made ISN'T EVEN A FRACTION of the unbearable pain both of you worthless idiots have caused me. Doesn't even compare to the suicidal, thoughts of self harm, and depression I've had as a result of this. But you know what? You being upset was the motherfucking highlight of my day. ✨ Any fucking pain you feel just gives me a boost of happiness. The more severe, the better. 💖 As mentioned before, I question whether I'm a good person or not for feeling this way; but on the other hand, the satisfaction I get from seeing people who've hurt me suffer feels so great. Sometimes I feel guilty for this, but then I remind myself that these people CHOSE to be the scum of the Earth. They deserve any horrible shit that comes to them.💙

#mentally ill #vent post #personal vent #heartbroken #i hate my brain #mentally fucked #hate feelings