#i feel like ive been at a 10/10 on the pain scale for months i cant take this anymore | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

justcaytlin · 1 year

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How It's Going

So I figured it would be worthwhile to talk a bit about all the procedures and stuff I've been undergoing. Keep y'all in the loop, as t'were.

Background

To start, the reason I've been in and out of doctors so much lately is that I have fibromyalgia, which means my nervous system thinks every stimulus should be reported with Pain. Are you excited? Pain. Cold? Pain. Tired? Pain. Digesting? Pain! And it's always pain in weird areas. Did you use your wrist too much while you were drawing? Enjoy your left foot hurting, buddy. Or your knee. Or your temple. Quite literally, I did not know that people could be Not In Pain until a conversation with my husband a few years ago.

(Note: Fibromyalgia is not a disease so much as a bucket of symptoms with a variety of causes. One person's fibro may be very different from another's; this is how mine works.)

Generally, after years of hunting down med combos and enforcing lifestyle changes (regular sleep schedule, eating well, maintaining a schedule, etc) I had been sitting at a respectable 4/10 pain scale day-to-day, which is pretty mild all things considered.

Pain is easy to deal with. Unfortunately, fibromyalgia also comes with brainfog, where you can't remember things, and everything slips your mind constantly, and you feel like a sieve and you constantly worry you have early onset dementia. It also comes with chronic fatigue, much like when you have the flu. So you get up to do something and it feels like all of the energy drains out of your muscles and you feel heavy and slow and like you want to lay down just to get enough energy to move again.

As an example, showering has been very hard on me. Usually after a shower -- a quick shower! Or even when using my shower stool! -- I am shaking and weak for up to an hour afterwards.

Reason for Going

In the last six months or so, both the brainfog and the fatigue were getting increasingly bad, so that I could barely do anything at all. I was falling behind on a lot of work-related things, I couldn't help my husband with chores or food prep hardly at all, I couldn't even deal with the energy sap of seeing people very often.

Finally, my friend was going to a research institute nearby for Ketamine-Assisted Psychotherapy. And I thought, man, I've been wanting to try ketamine treatment for years. I've heard it works wonders on chronic pain. I should try it.

So I did a lot of research, and I dove in.

Phase 1

I contacted the institute about their ketamine infusion therapy, which is geared toward chronic pain relief. Ketamine's underlying functions are still not completely understood, but in layman's terms, it seems to give the nervous system a chance to reset and relax, undoing a lot of that sensitivity that makes fibro so hard. This sounded amazing and like it's exactly what I need.

So I went through several intake and screening appointments. I was approved, but both doctors recommended that I was a perfect candidate for KAP -- Ketamine-Assisted Psychotherapy. After all, my fibro is almost guaranteed to have come from trauma: when your flight system is active 24/7 for almost a decade, it makes some fundamental changes to the wiring. Plus, I've been diving deep in therapy for the last couple of years, and it's helped a bit on the pain side as well.

But I wasn't certain the ketamine would work on me -- there's never a guarantee -- so I wanted to stick with what I signed up for, for now.

I went in for my appointment, got the IV in, laid down, and was whisked away into a nice little trip for an hour and a half or so. Sounds smeared together. I felt out of my body, yet in it. Time smeared and collapsed in on itself. I felt disrupted, but gently and kindly, taken away into another timeline. I saw lots of shapes and patterns -- subtly, on the back of the eyelids.

I went home after that, and I rested. And the next day, my pain was reduced. It felt like there was a little bit of a cushion between the pain and my senses. My energy was back! I went from "maybe I can stand long enough to cut up a tomato for dinner, I'm not sure" to "okay I've cleaned two rooms, we should be good for guests now." I wasn't 100% by any means. I still fatigue early in tasks, I still felt pain. But it's like the clock turned back months or even years. Holy shit!

Phase 2

I decided that if I was going to do this, I was going to go all in. Therapy had worked wonders before; I was gonna switch to KAP like they suggested. The doctor also suggested I try a Stellate Ganglion Block, wherein they bathe your nerves with anesthetic, which gives your sympathetic nervous system a *direct* vacation. I signed up for that too.

Unfortunately, switching to KAP meant that I needed to undergo more screenings and intakes. And the Ganglion Block also required more screenings and intakes. So my actual healing journey was put on hold for two weeks as I attended more doctor appointments.

Finally, I was able to do my first KAP appointment. You basically go into an office and get set up in a reclining chair full of blankets and pillows. They give you a special eyemask that is raised, so you can keep your eyes open if you want, but it'll be completely blacked out. You wear headphones with music playing. The doctor/therapist stays in the room with you, and if you happen to say anything during your trip, they record it. But otherwise the purpose is just you laying back and letting the medicine do its work. A nurse comes in and administers the ketamine -- for KAP it's intramuscular injection instead of IV. And then in 2-5 minutes, you'll take off. I think for me it was 1-2 minutes.

Ketamine is weird, man. The main *feeling* I take away each time is that I've jumped timelines. The person I was going in is not the same person coming out. It's always a benign feeling (so far?) but it takes you so completely out of your body, your self. Who you are dissolves for a while. It's wild. There's a big chunk of time I don't remember, and then I remember wondering who I was, what I was, what I was doing, where I was. Not fearfully, just, "huh, I should probably know this, huh". Then there was a lot of beautiful imagery of dancing in nature, vibing to the music, twirling in leaves and on lakes. Lots of imagery that is, like, hand-picked to be something I'd paint from scratch. There was some spiritual stuff too, but that's personal.

After a while, I was a tree. I had this feeling that even though part of me had rotted (the good kind of rot, somehow), I was providing lots of ecosystems for others. There was this overwhelming feeling of even though there may not be a reason for something (having fibro), we can still find meaning in it. That was valuable.

The other feeling that's still echoing through me right now is the feeling of being a seed. Like, I'm currently in incubation. There's a transformation coming but right now I'm storing all of my energy and taking in the change.

As I started coming out of it, there were two amusing things.

I could still feel parts of my body as being a tree. I was fully cognizant at this point that I was me, on ketamine, in a doctor's chair, but I was waiting out the rest of my body feeling like My Body again. Like, okay, my body ends at the elbow there, but the rest is branches. Better wait til I feel my fingers again.

I was wondering what I was supposed to do when I came around? We hadn't discussed this. Do I say something? Do I pull off my mask? Do I make a grand announcement? What if I just lay here for hours and avoid this confrontation entirely? What if I was under way longer than anyone else? #social anxiety lol What I ultimately did was I listened to the music and visualized things until it felt like the "soundtrack" was winding down and I could pick out a "credits" song. When the credits song ended, I made myself pull off my mask, and the doctor greeted me.

(One good thing about therapy, medication, and experience with social anxiety is you can feel those thoughts, but also go 'bro it'll be fine lol' and your system largely believes you.)

Anyway, after, the doctor asked me some questions about how I was feeling, what I saw or felt or experienced, etc. She took notes, then let me lay there alone for about twenty minutes to come more fully back to myself. Then she helped me waddle to the bathroom (ketamine messes with your inner ear like crazy) and took me downstairs to meet up with my friend for the ride home.

A week later, I had another appointment with the doctor to integrate everything, talk about everything I experienced or said in the sober light of day.

Phase 3

After that, I got the first Stellate Ganglion Block done. It's done in two phases, your right side and your left side. I wrote about this experience already, but I will say now, a week out from it, that this was a fucking miracle. The KAP and the IV helped a lot with energy and such but the block took my ambient pain from like a 3 to a 1-2. I genuinely wonder if this is what normal people feel like most of the time?

I can tell there's a difference between my right side (that had it done) and the left side (which hasn't been done yet). The left is far more sensitive. But, for example, my sciatic nerves are extremely sensitive to the touch, and generally if I press on them a little bit, I will legit want to cry. (I have very high pain tolerance; i would call pushing on them like an 8.5 on the scale, where 10 is when I was at the hospital for a kidney stone, screaming and crying and thrashing while I was waiting for pain meds :') )

They still hurt, but my right one is more like a 6 instead! That's HUGE. That means I can actually tolerate it long enough to roll out my nerve with the foam roller.

I'm getting my second block done tomorrow. I can't wait to see how it feels after.

Phase 4

After this week, my appointments should slow down a lot. My KAP appointments are two weeks apart, to give ample time to reflect and integrate and let my malleable brain resolidify. The downside is this is slower than I expected -- I thought it would be 1 a week -- and so I'm not positive I'll be back off hiatus on my birthday. It depends on how the next week or so goes.

Right now, I've just been hanging onto the bumper of a car speeding down Appointments Highway and I have barely had time to gather my energy enough to think about much else (besides D&D apparently lmao). By the time I'm done with KAP I will have knocked out some 20 appointments or so in a month and a half. Considering in the past I had to restrict doc appointments to 1/week due to how exhausting and hard they are for me, That Is A Lot.

But they're doing me some good. I'm incubating. I'm percolating. And soon I will sprout.

#ketamine #drugs #ketamine assisted therapy #fibromyalgia #chronic pain #chronic illness #integrative medicine #cayt speaks

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cheemken · 7 months

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Actually, yeah you made me like the concept where they’re the most recent hosts for the dragons. I never watched any venom movie so I never made that connection but that’s actually cool :)

My idea for that concept was when the dragons got to switch hosts, they begrudgingly turn into stones or hide out somewhere safe. But they try do it in a place that regularly has humans come by. Or they’ll sometimes fuse with a Pokémon so they could still move around, and it gives them a better chance to find a human they want to fuse with. So the twins became the new host for the two dragons when they stumbled upon the stones/Pokémon by accident during the first few days of their journeys

As for Iris, idk if she would’ve found Kyurem in the Giant Chasm, or if Kyurem decided to hide in Challenger Cave since it’s closer to Opelucid City. But she does eventually find him by accident, whether it’s in his own form or in a Pokémon body, and Kyurem just takes the opportunity to fuse with Iris the moment he sees her

Idk how Venom fuses himself with someone. But I think the three dragons could like..turn their physical body into energy and forcefully fuse themselves with a host. And I also don’t know if the dragons would be mean to their hosts or if they try to explain the situation and why they need to fuse with them. But I think the first few months/years would be the host and “parasite” (as said by Hilbert) getting used to each other and figuring out how to live like this

OUGH but yeah, Iris is just young when she became the new host. Kyurem really saw a 10 yo and decided she was good enough. She DEFINITELY suffered the most out of the three cause I can actually see Kyurem being a bitch to her

Also yeah. Dragon scales, sharp teeth, claws, different coloured eyes. Cool shit right there. Yet Iris hates them and wants Kyurem out of her

In addition to these physical changes I imagine the three would have other changes. Like Iris’ body is cold to touch despite the effort to keep warm, Hilda’s body feels hot to touch, and Hilbert…idk actually lol. Man can cause static everywhere and electronics fuck up around him

But Kyurem wanting to fuse with Zekrom and Reshiram again and having the insane luck of choosing Iris as a host. Cause she’s gonna be responsible for the DNA splicer in a few years. The very item Kyurem needs to fuse into the original dragon again

And she’s the final gym leader in Pokémon BW. She’s going to eventually meet Hilda and Hilbert

GOING FUCKING INSANE AT THE IRIS ANGST CBMXBXND

Ive been thinking abt Iris angst in the next gen champs too and oughffhcjdjdjdjd

Your honour PLEASE homegirl can NOT catch a break like she's just ten in this au😭😭😭

No but that's fucked up imagine manipulating a child😭 Kyurem what are you doing cbxnxb

But also the features thing would be dope tho, cause like,, yeah Hilbert's w Reshiram in my hcs so imagine him having white streaks on his hair, and then w Hilda she'd have black streaks. Idk it'd be cool hahah which means Iris would have grey streaks lmfao pls homegirl deserves a break bcmxndn

SHIT THE DNA SPLICERS imagine how fucked up cjdmdbd imagine Kyurem going on abt how Iris should take the Splicers from Drayden, that they're one step closer to being fused with Zekrom or Reshiram, if they get the Splicers, then the only thing left is for them to find the other dragons so Kyurem can fuse with them again

But damn Iris almost didn't want to, and Kyurem can make her feel some sort of pain y'know, Iris is prolonging the inevitable, and Kyurem has no problems making her feel the pain of not complying to his wishes. Like she's really trying so hard, making up excuses, fighting tooth and nail so Kyurem won't just take over her body and look for the Splicers himself

Ough,,,, her meeting the twins, and Kyurem within her just going fucking crazy, telling her he senses Zekrom and Reshiram within the twins, how they're so so close, how he can finally achieve his goal in becoming the Original Dragon again, and god Iris is also trying so so so fucking hard not to show the twins that she's in pain, that everything feels so fucking cold, that Kyurem is surely gonna fucking kill her if she won't do what he wants, and how much longer is she gonna try and suffer just to stop him? A child can only take so much

#your honour the iris brainrot is so real tonight fr😭😭#watch me make angst for iris now in the next gen champs au too hahaha #but fr kyurem wtf are you doing💀#pokemon au #an ask and an answer #jerseyk112

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artificialqueens · 3 years

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Me and You Together, 4/10 (Taywhora) - Ortega

fic summary: The cardinal rule of having flatmates is that you Do Not Catch Feelings For Your Flatmates, because everything inevitably goes to shit and gets made horrifically awkward. A’whora and Tayce both know this, but being in first year of uni and making good decisions have never really gone hand in hand.

a/n: fam this response is crazy it really is…thank u all so much for the love, kudos and comments, i’m so sorry if i’ve not managed to reply to urs yet but know that i’ve read them all and cherish every one and i will get round to replying and yelling some love and thanks at u soon!!! pls enjoy this chapter in which A'whora does not possess the flat’s shared brain cell at any point. that being said, i wish all the readers of this fic a very pleasant italicised ‘oh’ xo

last chapter: January-Tayce and A’whora still had unfinished business from a night out and a hungover morning in December.

this chapter: October- The gang make plans for their first year together, Tia gives everyone plans for the evening, and A'whora has a realisation that will change the dynamic of her friendship with Tayce forever.

***

“Bimini, what is it you’re actually doing?”

A’whora’s intrigued by the way her flatmate’s sitting on the sofa: legs crossed, notepad in one hand and a cigarette in the other, and looking deep in thought. They’ve not long since stretched over the smoke detector with a sock, having long since established nobody in the flat minds them smoking indoors as long as the windows are open. Lawrence is beside them on the other end of the sofa having been to all the lectures that’re required of her already today and has got a bright pink, blue and purple-flecked ball of yarn hanging from two knitting needles, with which she seems to be knitting some sort of cosy accessory. It’s a wholesome picture that’s playing out in front of A’whora, one that’s miles away from the raucous, drunk nights they’ve all shared in the first month of uni so far.

“Okay, here’s what it is,” Bimini starts, clicking their long nails together. “I am making us a freshers bucket list, and I want your input.”

“Ooh!” Lawrence perks up beside them, and A’whora, interest piqued, picks up the bowl of pasta, butter and cheese she’s spent all of five minutes making and crosses the room to sit beside her flatmates.

She knows it’s only been a month so far, but she really loves everyone she’s living with. For a start, there are four of them that take classes at the art college (the ‘art hoes’, as Tayce calls them), so they all get to walk to lectures together and hang about between classes and workshops with each other depending on how their days are going. Bimini is almost always in the flat, with not a lot of contact hours making up their journalism degree, so they’re a comforting presence for A’whora to come home to at whatever hour of the day, always asking how she is and always offering to make her coffee. Tia is sweet and funny (if ever-so-slightly grating to her at first) and they’ve bonded over being the only two flatmates seemingly able to keep the place clean and tidy. Lawrence is endearing and big-hearted, if A’whora spends half her life hoping that her next prank isn’t involving her in some way (Ellie is usually the butt of them). Ellie herself is one of A’whora’s closest flatmates; they’ll often stay up half the night finishing prototypes or assignments together, all while watching a film which they have spookily similar taste in- they’ve agreed on 101 and 102 Dalmatians, Hocus Pocus, and The Wizard of Oz so far.

And then there’s Tayce, who A’whora thinks is both the absolute carbon copy of herself and yet also so different, the yin to her yang. Tayce has been her closest friend in the flat since day one when she booted the door to her room down and dragged her out of her emotional stupor, and that’s really what’s set the tone for the rest of their friendship; Tayce, upbeat and motivating, constantly and infectiously helping A’whora feel the same way even when she doesn’t want to go out, or doesn’t feel like dragging herself out of her room for a chill flat night with the others, or even when she just feels like a heap of shit. She’s such a fun and positive person to be around, relentlessly optimistic and goofy, and she brings out that side of A’whora too. As opposed to during sixth form and high school, where she’d put up a front to make sure nobody fucked with her, A’whora finds that at uni she can be the person she truly is and let her guard down a little.

This includes being open about her sexuality for the first time ever. She’s out to her family (for the better or worse), but nobody else back home knows (not even her friends) and she wants to keep it that way for now. But at uni things are different- nobody knows her here, nobody has these preconceived ideas of who she is and who she has to be, so she’d taken the plunge and been open about everything. None of the others had cared of course, in fact they’d all been too excited about the fact there’s not a single straight person in their flat comprised of four lesbians (Tayce, Lawrence, Tia and A’whora), one bi (Ellie) and one pan (Bimini).

“What’ve you got so far?” A’whora asks Bimini, sitting down on the sofa opposite her two flatmates.

Bimini reads off their notepad. “Casino night, bottomless brunch…get the train down to Newcastle, have a big night out, stay out all night an’ get the first train home-”

“Christ, that’ll be a challenge for me, you know I get sleepy around midnight,” Lawrence chuckles.

Bimini shrugs. “We’ll just get you an IV drip of Ellie’s Monster, you’ll be alright.”

“What else’ve you got?”

“That’s it so far.”

A’whora spears a pasta spiral, tilts her head in thought as she eats it. “Get drunk in a lecture.”

“Aw, good one!” Lawrence cries enthusiastically. Bimini, for their part, frowns with disapproval.

“Wait, no! Not a good one. Not a good one at all. It’s alright for you art school bitches, you’ve got some lectures together and you can coordinate, where does that leave me n’ Tia?”

“I guess that leaves you…downing a bottle of five pound chardonnay on the back bench of a lecture hall like a tramp with a drinking problem,” Lawrence shrugs, A’whora yelping out a laugh as Bimini shoves Lawrence with their foot.

Just then, there’s movement in the hall and as A’whora turns around she’s greeted by the sight of a tired-looking Tayce and Ellie walking into the kitchen. They shrug off their coats and take off their shoes and dump their bags on the kitchen table with a huff before they walk over to the others. Tayce spreads herself out over the sofa that A’whora’s sitting on, thudding her feet onto her lap without asking permission, to which A’whora instantly pushes them off her and gets a glare and a smirk in return.

“Lawrie, are you knitting?” Ellie laughs, sitting on the arm of the sofa beside her.

“Yeah? And?”

Ellie snorts in amusement. “Just didn’t realise we were living with a wee granny.”

“Well actually, bawbag! I was in the middle of making you a scarf because I can’t stand to listen to you talking shite about how you’re cold every time we leave the flat, but I can leave it if you want,” Lawrence explains. A’whora thinks it’s funny how Ellie backtracks immediately; she can’t tell if she’s blushing or just out of breath from scaling their block’s stairs. Bimini gains control of the conversation, tilting their head in intrigue.

“How were your lectures, huns?”

“Shit, thanks for asking,” Tayce groans, thudding her head down dramatically against the sofa cushions. “I don’t know, I just can’t concentrate when I’m getting talked at for an hour at a time. I need to be doing stuff, you know?”

“Feel that,” Ellie joins in, deflated. A’whora can sympathise- she loves the practical elements of her course, but not so much the lectures. She’s glad she shares a lot of them with Ellie, and the two of them can dick about and text each other and doodle designs in their notebooks while keeping one ear on whoever’s speaking.

“Well if you want to be doing something, you can help us with this,” Bimini suggests, explaining the bucket list they’ve been making.

The girls get settled and the ideas start to flow, Lawrence putting her speakers on for background noise as they all come up with new and increasingly more chaotic exploits. Ellie suggests trying every cocktail in Levels which gets scribbled down into Bimini’s notepad, and Tayce suggests going to Levels sober, which doesn’t get afforded the same appreciation. A’whora comes up with crashing the catered halls for breakfast one day, which they all agree is a good idea but the chances of it actually happening are low considering the earliest riser in the flat is Tayce and even she doesn’t waken up til half nine on a weekend.

“What’re some clubs we’ve not been to yet?” Bimini asks, shrugging. “Could put those down, try an’ visit every one in the city?”

Lawrence snorts derisively. “You go to Underground if you want your phone stolen, Velvet if you want to be bullied by fifteen year olds in the toilets, and Crystal if you want to subject yourself to painful misogyny and probably some light sexual assault.”

“So none of those, then,” Bimini murmurs.

“Those are all really het as well, though,” Ellie wrinkles her nose up in distaste. Then her face lights up as she gets an idea. “Oh! Put down Pride in July.”

“Nice one,” Bimini nods as they scribble down Ellie’s suggestion, the others making little hums of approval.

The conversation goes on for quite some time. Halfway through it Tayce seems to decide she’s bored of lying down and instead moves to sit on the floor between A’whora’s legs, asking her to play with her hair. They’ll do this sometimes- it’s a routine they fall into, A’whora being able to style Tayce’s endlessly long, straight hair and Tayce finding the whole thing therapeutic. They have a lot of little routines like this: they’ll sit close together on the sofa during a flat movie night and take turns leaning on each others’ shoulders, spontaneously give each other hugs at random points throughout the day, trace patterns into each others’ palms when the other seems stressed.

It’s nice. A’whora’s never really had a friendship like this, soft and caring and kind. In school her group was the kind that made catty jokes about each other then buffered them with a “love you!” afterwards and took kissy-face group selfies only to bitch about each other on a private group chat mere hours later. If it was a wolfpack then it was rabid and cannibalistic, and it had seemed like a full-time job ensuring she was never the runt of it. What she’s got with all her flatmates now- especially Tayce- makes her feel like she can finally breathe.

“What about the Centurion Challenge?” Lawrence suggests with a small gasp, breaking A’whora’s reverie as she expertly twirls Tayce’s hair into a loose and chunky French plait.

“Jesus Christ, Lawrence,” Ellie mutters in amusement.

“What’s the Centurion Challenge?” Bimini asks, pulling a face.

Lawrence gives a blythe shrug as she elaborates. “A hundred shots in a hundred minutes.”

A’whora ruins Tayce’s braid in shock, her hair untwisting itself from the braid as if it’s outraged too. The cry she gives joins in harmony with that of Tayce’s and Bimini’s. “A hundred shots? You’d fucking die!”

“Not of vodka! Obviously not of vodka! I know we all have one communal brain cell between us but Christ, can one of yous not use it?!” Lawrence protests. “It’s a hundred shots of beer. Don’t shit yourselves.”

“Aw, well that’s alright then,” Bimini pipes up sarcastically. “What’s actually wrong with Scottish people? Is your breastmilk spiked with whiskey? What d’you get instead of Cow and Gate formula, just cocaine?"

“Actually, a hundred shots of beer sounds more doable to me,” Tayce shrugs, and A’whora can feel her relax against her lap.

“I’d need to change it, I can’t stand beer,” A’whora considers. Ellie cocks her head in consideration.

“Well what alcohol do you like?”

“Fucking none of it,” A’whora laughs. “Cocktails. Vodka cokes. Anything where there’s juice to cover it up.”

Tayce twists her head to look up at her, a little twinkle of mischief in her eye. “I think the challenge ceases to be a challenge when it’s reduced to one hundred watered down shots of Woo Woo, Rory.”

As the others blurt out a laugh A’whora glares down at Tayce, but she can’t help but break out into a giggle too when Tayce grabs her knee and gives it a playful wobble, letting her know she was only joking without even having to say a thing.

A’whora’s not sure what time it is when she hears the front door swing shut and Tia emerges from the hallway, her long hair all messed up from the seemingly ever-present wind outside and almost obscuring the bright smile plastered on her face. “Hey, huns!”

“Oi oi,” Tayce greets her from her position on the floor. “What’s got you so smiley?”

“Nooothing,” Tia smirks, dragging the word out playfully. “Just got an invite to the night out of a very cute girl in my MT society…and she said you guys can all come too. Pres at her flat and then out to The Avenue. Evening plans sorted?”

“Oh, love that!” Bimini gives an enthusiastic clap. “Go on then, who’s the girl? Whose night are we crashing?”

“Her name’s Veronica,” Tia smiles bashfully. “She’s so lovely. Honestly, she wouldn’t mind you coming! She’s got one of the big flats over at Gourock Court so it’s not like it’ll be packed.”

“You don’t exactly want to go to a party that’s not going to be packed,” Ellie screws up her nose. She looks unimpressed and her tone is flat. “And even if it is, I don’t know if I’m in the mood for a flat party with a ton of new people, Tia.”

A’whora’s face drops and she locks eyes with Lawrence simultaneously, who’s got an equally incredulous look on her face. “Els, are you unwell? You never turn down a night out.”

Ellie shrugs quietly, not giving much away on her face. Tia, obviously keen to move to the girl she’s crushing on, carries on persuading her. “C’mon, Eleanor, don’t be such a fucking…square! It’s the musical theatre society, we’re just a walking Pride festival who all happen to be able to hold a tune. There’s loads of fit lesbians?”

“Well if I wasn’t convinced before, I sure am now,” Tayce purrs, a little smile appearing on her lips and a cheeky twinkle in her eyes. A’whora feels her laugh come out weakly. She doesn’t know why, but an odd, uncomfortable feeling lodges itself in her gut. She can’t quite put her finger on what exactly it is or why it’s put itself there.

“And there’s gonna be so many musicals on the playlist!” Tia continues to insist, despite being met with Ellie’s sour face. “I know you’ll love it! They’d probably even play stuff from Shrek if you got them drunk enough.”

A’whora can’t help but scrunch up her nose in distaste. “Hey, I’m only coming if they play fucking…normal people music as well. I’m not gonna be sat in a room with twenty white kids trying to rap to Hamilton or whatever the fuck it is.”

Tia rolls her eyes, plants her hands on her hips in exasperation. “Calm down, A’whora, you’ll still get all the top 40 dance-pop shit you love so much.”

“To be honest, it sounds class. And The Avenue’s always good,” Bimini cuts in calmly. A’whora does have to agree with that. They’ve not been there in a while- the bar across the road from the city’s most popular LGBT club- and its selection of early 00s pop princess tracks combined with its deal of two vodka mixers and a shot for a fiver makes it a guaranteed good night out.

“Well it seems like we’re all down, even if this stroppy cow isn’t,” Tia smiles happily, sticking her tongue out at Ellie for good measure. Ellie finally heaves a world-weary sigh, rolling her eyes dramatically as she relents.

“Ugh, fine! Fine, but this Verruca or whatever the hell she’s called better be the hottest bitch on the planet for you to drag us all out with your MT weirdos, Tia Maria,” she grumps. Tia ignores her bad mood and lets out a cheer which the others join in with, and A’whora resolves to interrogate Ellie about her Bitter Betty attitude later on. Preferably when they’re both drunk. That always makes things easier.

In the melee of excitement, Tayce twists round from her position on the carpet, folds her arms and rests them on top of A’whora’s thighs. “Right. You need to come help me choose an outfit if we’re going out. I need to look fit.”

A’whora smiles with pride. “Ooh, personal stylist duties? I’m honoured.”

“Well I’m hardly gonna ask Tia, am I?” Tayce giggles quietly, and A’whora joins in like it’s a little secret they’re sharing. “Or Ellie. She’d just send me out in one of her bodysuit/skirt combos. I swear to God that girl is like Marge bloody Simpson. Open up her wardrobe and she’ll have twenty sets of the same outfit. Serial killer behaviour, that.”

At this point A’whora is laughing so much that it draws the attention of the others, who eye them with suspicious stares. “What the hell’s so funny?”

A’whora gives Tayce a mischievous look. “Tayce just called Ellie a serial killer.”

Tayce yelps in outrage at having been called out, and as Ellie narrows her eyes Tayce leaps up from the floor and tugs A’whora off of the sofa with her. “That’s taking it out of context, you absolute hound! Come on, help me pick something.”

Tayce’s fingers stay curled around A’whora’s hand all the way down the corridor and into her bedroom. It’s a feeling that A’whora likes because it makes her feel close to her friend, and Tayce taking her hand is like an affirmation and a reassurance all in one; that she likes her, that their friendship has reached the level where hand-holding has become acceptable, that A’whora is worthy of being liked, of being someone’s friend- their real, proper friend. The validation sets her heart off like a flare. It’s nice to feel wanted.

A’whora perches on the edge of Tayce’s bed as she scrapes the coat hangers in her wardrobe and throws outfits onto the bed like a tornado, each more gorgeous than the last and all ones Tayce would look stunning in. That’s something that always strikes A’whora about Tayce; just how beautiful she is, how absolutely blessed with the God-given good genes. The way she looks serene and ethereal without makeup, walking to lectures in the morning with the sun hitting her face and giving her skin a glow. The way she paints for a night out and knows how to accentuate everything about her face that’s already perfect, a feat that would seem like an exaggeration if A’whora hadn’t seen it for herself to confirm it’s true. She frequently finds herself having to hold back from giving compliments to Tayce because if she started she’d never stop.

“Okay, first thoughts are…” Tayce announces unnecessarily loudly, and A’whora laughs at the way she’s talking as if she’s a stylist on a morning TV show. “…I’m thinking something black.”

“Of course you are,” A’whora interrupts with a laugh. “Tayce wearing black. How predictable.”

Tayce gives her a shove on the shoulder that’s too hard and makes her fall back against the mattress. “Shut up! I’ll wear something other than black when Lawrence wears something other than purple, how’s about that?”

The pair of them giggle at the joke as Tayce rifles through the clothes she’s shortlisted, holding up a black leather jacket and a black bralet with an intricate lace hem. The combination makes A’whora’s eyes fly wide open in appreciation.

“This?” Tayce raises an eyebrow at her inquisitively. The fact she’s obviously seen her reaction makes A’whora feel a little self-conscious and she doesn’t particularly know why. “Because I’m wanting to wear either my wet-look leggings or my black vinyl skirt with the zip up the front, and I don’t know if that’s too much leather effect stuff?”

“It’s too much,” A’whora nods, physically unable to help her honesty. “Also I think you should wear the skirt because you’ve got good legs and you should get them out any chance you get. But also the bralet won’t go with it because it’ll make your proportions all wrong.”

Tayce smiles appreciatively as she throws the bralet back into her wardrobe as if A’whora’s given her a command and not a suggestion. “See, this is another reason why you’re the queen of outfit advice. Bimini wouldn’t give me this level of honesty, they’re too nice.”

A’whora feels a warmth spread in her chest at the compliment, but she doesn’t show it. Instead she snorts, nods in agreement. “Yeah, because you could come out dressed in a pair of child’s pyjamas and they’d still say they love it. They’d say it’s very Y2K or something.”

Tayce lets out a cackle before holding up the skirt and leather jacket, humming in thought. “Okay, so you’re saying ditch the jacket but keep the skirt.”

“Yes.”

“And ditch the bralet.”

“Yes.”

“So you want me to go out in a skirt and a pair of heels and nothing else,” Tayce raises an eyebrow at her, and as A’whora bursts out laughing and protests she has to fight off a blush at the thought of her best friend topless in heels. Topless in heels and a vinyl skirt. Topless in heels and a vinyl skirt with a zip that could just be pulled down to leave her in-

The heat floods A’whora’s face like she’s been smacked and she shifts on the bed in an attempt at dissipating the feelings that’ve hit her like a tsunami. Inappropriate. Weird. Way too weird. Don’t do that again.

“What about the bright blue fur coat you’ve got? Because you could have an all black outfit with that as a bit of colour,” she suggests, shrugging lightly in an attempt to pretend that she hadn’t just been thinking about Tayce in the way she had.

Tayce’s face lights up and she points at A’whora with one hand and reaches into her wardrobe with the other. “Love that. Okay, top?”

“Are you addressing me? I’ve never topped for anyone,” A’whora attempts a joke. If Tayce can make jokes like that to her then she can do it right back.

“That’s very clear, baby,” Tayce shoots in response without missing a beat. Before A’whora realises it, she’s flexing her toes. What the fuck is happening to her? She needs to steer this conversation back on track.

She thinks for a second. “You’re a size eight, right?”

“In theory. The amount of pot noodles I’ve been chucking down my neck since I moved in is very quickly rendering that a distant memory, I’ll tell ya,” Tayce says, as she leans against the door of her wardrobe and folds her arms.

“I’ve got a black lace bodysuit that would go with that. It’s a ten so it’ll fit. D’you want to try it?”

“Well despite the fact a skirt and a bodysuit was the very thing I just roasted Ellie for always wearing…that sounds lush. Thanks, Rory Roo,” Tayce agrees, the nickname-of-a-nickname setting off the click of a small pilot light in A’whora’s heart. She’s about to ask if she wants to come try it on just now when she hears both their names being yelled from the kitchen.

The pair of them head back through to find that Tia has changed the playlist on the speakers from the chilled-out, calm acoustic one that had been playing to her early 00’s tunes. Combined with Bimini half-singing, half-yelling along to Murder on the Dancefloor and the blast of the extractor fan as Ellie stirs something in a big metal pot at the hob, it’s a far cry from the calm, cosy scene that A’whora had witnessed in the kitchen some hours prior.

Ellie had been the one who had shouted on them, and she whips around from the cooker when she realises that Tayce and A’whora have come through. “I’m making dinner for me, Bims and Tia, you wanting some?”

“Depends what it is. Come on, talk it up, Ellie. Give us some options,” Tayce shrugs with feigned disinterest, and A’whora can’t help the bubble of laughter that bursts from her mouth as Ellie narrows her eyes at her.

“It’s spaghetti and meatballs, and your alternatives are fuck off or die,” she shoots back savagely, and the whoop of shock and laughter that goes up from the others soars above the music and the fan. Tayce laughs good-naturedly in spite of the barb.

“I’m joking, ‘course I’ll take some.”

A’whora wrinkles her nose. “You’re making meatballs for a meal that Bimini is gonna eat?”

“They’re not real ones, dipshit,” Bimini pipes up from over on the sofa. “It’s that Birdseye Green Cuisine shit, innit.”

“Birdseye Green Cuisine shit,” A’whora repeats disdainfully. “If you ever go on The Apprentice, Bim, Alan Sugar’s gonna shit himself at your selling abilities.”

Tayce snorts, tries and fails to cover it up. When her eyes rest on A’whora they share a little smile, and A’whora’s grows bigger when she thinks about the way they’re both so in sync all the time.

“They’re nice, I promise! Veronica’s talked them up loads, she told me she’s been trying to eat more veggie things,” Tia insists, with an entirely unnecessary namedrop of her crush. A’whora relents and says she’ll have a small bowl before jumping out of her skin as Ellie bangs the spoon against the pot somewhat aggressively with a face like thunder.

Before A’whora can ask Ellie about her bad mood, Tia speaks again as she scrolls her phone to change the song. “Honestly, Ellie, you’re a star for doing dinner. Thanks so much.”

“Aw, don’t be silly, doll! It’s nothing!” Ellie turns around from the hob and bats the compliment away, shooting Tia a dazzling smile in return. It’s funny the way her demeanour seems to instantly do a complete 180 at the praise, and it makes A’whora wonder what’s changed.

She’s distracted, though, by the way Lawrence enters in her dressing gown with her hair up in a towel, obviously having come straight from the shower. She pouts and whines in a very un-Lawrence way as she lingers at the doorframe between the hall and the kitchen.

“Guysss, does anyone have an ID they can give me for tonight?”

“What about your friend? Who was it…Rosé?” A’whora shrugs, and Lawrence fixes her with a wide-eyed stare of incredulity.

“Oh my God, A’whora! I never thought about asking the girl I’ve been borrowing ID from since the start of uni! Thanks for that!” she says sarcastically, Bimini giving a yelp of laughter and A’whora leaning off the countertops and swiping at Lawrence in retort. “She’s using it. She asked her girlfriend and her flatmates for me but they’ve all got plans. I felt like a fuckin’ daytime TV charity advert.”

“For just one pound a week, you could help an underaged child get blackout drunk on triple trebles,” A’whora puts on a dramatic, concerned voice, proud of the way it makes Tayce blurt out a laugh.

“It’s such fucking bullshit,” Lawrence huffs, leaning against the fridge and folding her arms. “I mean my eighteenth’s in five days and I’ve been drinking in parks since I was fourteen, how can I not just be let into a fuckin’ bar?”

“Grow up and order a fake one,” Ellie shakes her head with incredulity, smashing the wooden spoon against the pot again with a bang-bang-bang to get the excess pasta sauce off.

“Just you pipe down, hen, you shouldn’t even be at uni. In fact, have you even completed primary yet?”

The two girls stick their tongues out at each other, a mirror-image of petty bickering that makes A’whora laugh. Luckily Bimini steps in, shrugging as they open their purse.

“Here, babe. I’ve still got my course friend’s provisional from when she dropped it on Gordon Street when she was off her face. I ain’t given her it back yet an’ I’m sure she wouldn’t care if you borrowed it. She’s chill.”

Lawrence accepts enthusiastically, bouncing over to Bimini and thanking them gratefully. A’whora watches her face drop, though, when she takes a look at the photo.

“There’s no way this’ll work.”

Bimini tuts and shakes their head, the picture of casual composure. “It’s fine, babes, they never look properly anyway.”

Lawrence drops the hand that’s holding the license to her side and fixes her friend with an astounded glare. “Bimini. This girl is black.”

As the others screech with outrage and mirth, Bimini waves Lawrence’s concerns away blithely. “It’ll be dark! It’s fine! Asttina an’ you have both got similar…well…you’re both girls, an’ you’re about the same height. Give or take a few inches.”

“Christ. I’m going to have to just forward roll past the bouncers, aren’t I? Then draw a fuckin’ club stamp on my arm in Sharpie.”

“Oh my God, stop moaning!” Ellie sighs from her position at the hob, bangs the spoon again for emphasis. “Look, I’ll ask Pippa from flat 2, alright? You both have brown hair, so…that’ll probably be enough.”

A’whora thinks it’s interesting the way Lawrence doesn’t shoot something back in her foghorn of a voice like she normally does. Instead she smiles warmly, dashes over to the kitchen where she hugs Ellie from behind, squeezing her tightly at the stomach and making her flinch in surprise.

“Thanks, Ellie-Bellie,” she sing-songs, swaying her aggressively from side to side until Ellie bats her away, flicking the spoon in a way that threatens to shower them both in marinara sauce.

“Right, that’s plenty. Don’t even do things I enjoy for that long.”

“When’s this gonna be ready, Els?” Bimini shouts through as Lawrence lets go. “ ‘Ave I got time to do my makeup before it?”

Ellie shrugs. “If you can do your makeup in ten minutes.”

A’whora kicks her leg out in Tayce’s direction and jerks her head towards the hall. “Do you want to try on that bodysuit before tea?”

Tayce nods enthusiastically in agreement, so they go back along the corridor with a shout to the others telling them they won’t be long. A’whora holds the door of her room open for Tayce and her heart sinks in embarrassment when she realises she forgot to make her bed this morning.

“Sorry about the mess,” she apologies, to which Tayce gives a cry of a laugh in response.

“A’whora, have you seen my room? You’re fine, kid, don’t worry.”

A’whora thinks that’s true- Tayce’s room is a state, but somehow it seems to suit her. Tayce’s room with the crowded bulletin board, desk covered in sweet wrappers and sketches, floor carpeted with clothes that need washed and outfits that didn’t make the cut. The cracked picture frame on her window-sill of the first selfie the six of them all got together on the first night of freshers and the huge cheese plant that sits next to her bedside table, Tayce’s pride and joy. They’re all little intricate shards that join up to form a perfect picture of her personality, and A’whora thinks it’s sort of perfect.

She looks out the bodysuit from its neatly Marie Kondo-d place in her wardrobe and hands it gently to Tayce. “Try it and see. It’s a small 10 anyway so it’ll probably be fine for you.”

Tayce accepts it gratefully and hooks a finger around both of the straps, letting the rest of the material fall out of its perfectly folded little parcel. She gives a little gasp of appreciation as she looks at it. “Oh yes, baby. I think this’ll do just fine.”

A’whora feels good- proud that she’s managed to find the perfect piece for Tayce’s outfit, to help her look as inevitably gorgeous as she knows she will. The smile on her face falters, though, when Tayce shoots her a wink and leans against the wall with her shoulder. “This is gonna get me someone I can pop off my acrylics for, I can tell. You’ve got the best taste, girl.”

“Are you actually going to try and get with someone tonight?” A’whora injects a laugh into her question that she’s banking on sounding genuine, otherwise it comes across as accusatory and that’s not what she means it to be. Or is it? She doesn’t know. “You know how messy nights at The Avenue always get. Last time we were there Lawrence got so drunk she told us she couldn’t see, remember?”

Tayce laughs her off with a shrug. “Well then I’ll just have to be careful with my drinks, won’t I?”

A’whora gives a false laugh, tries so hard to get it to meet her eyes. Why is she so pressed about this? She gets with girls on nights out too, she’s brought the occasional one night stand to the flat. Tayce is allowed to do the same.

So why does she feel ever so slightly gutted?

If her smile looks fake (which it is) then Tayce doesn’t notice, and she only shoots her a smile as she opens the bedroom door. “You’re an angel. I’ll pop this on then be back in five.”

A’whora takes the opportunity of Tayce having left to make her bed, and as she does so she feels lots of little thoughts dart around her mind like minnows, none of them staying in the same place for long enough to be able to be deciphered. She manages to catch a few before they flee away and she clings to them, turning them over in her head: why does she feel so bothered about the prospect of Tayce finding a girl at the party, talking to her and making a connection and laughing at her jokes? Why had it felt like a punch to the gut when Tayce was joking about doing so? Why does she have this part of her that feels like an idiot for setting Tayce up to look her best and knowing that it’s for the benefit of somebody else, somebody that doesn’t know her like she does?

And then her bedroom door opens and A’whora turns around and lays eyes on her best friend. Tayce in her high heels and bare legs and the skirt with the zip. Tayce with her baby blue fake fur coat and her straight, dark hair tumbling over its shoulders. Tayce in the bodysuit- A’whora’s bodysuit- with the lace and the mesh that clings to her chest like it was designed just for her. There’s something about the fact that she’s wearing something that belongs to A’whora that makes something inside her chest tingle, the fact it’s a little piece of her in Tayce’s jigsaw puzzle that seems to fit regardless of the difference.

“What d’you think?” Tayce smiles, all too aware of how drop-dead stunning she looks.

And then the realisation hits A’whora like a train.

Oh.

Fuck.

She’s screwed.

#rpdr fanfiction #rpdr uk #ortega #me and you together #taywhora #uk2 #lesbian au #university au #british au #college au #freshers au #roommate au #tayce #a'whora #friends with benefits to lovers #lawrence chaney #ellie diamond #bimini bon boulash #tia kofi

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oliviastan17 · 4 years

Text

Just a dream (5/7)

Warnings: 18+, all the fluff in the world, language, smut

Length: 3.6k

A/N: I am a nurse so this is way more medically accurate than what is needed for the story. I just started typing and all this nurse stuff came out (#nurselife) and I took a lot out but sorry if it’s too much. There’s nothing graphic though. I put a lot of gifs in because I don’t feel like I can accurately describe what I dreamt. I own none of them. DO NOT POST ON ANY OTHER WEBSITE! Please reblog and I love reading comments!

It took 2 months but today was the day. It was packing day. Your brother needed to drop Harper off because she had a fever and couldn’t stay at daycare. She seemed to be feeling okay after some ibuprofen and was playing with some toys with Sebastian (or so you thought) while you worked on packing.

You walked into your bathroom to find Sebastian sitting on the floor facing away from you and Harper brushing something on his face. Wait, is that my makeup brush?

“When did you guys come in here?”

“He’s almost ready,” Harper informed you.

“Ready for what?”

“The party. Auntie, you sit there,” Harper commanded.

“Okay then,” you said sitting on the edge of your bathtub. Harper had been really into makeup lately so you exactly what she was doing and couldn’t wait to see her masterpiece.

As Sebastian turned around you gasped, “Oh, Harper! He is so beautiful! You did such a good job!”

He had red lipstick covering his mouth and part of the stubble on his chin. There was charcoal grey sparkly eye shadow all the way above his eye brows and his cheeks were a bright pink. Sebastian just looked at you and smiled as he held up his hands.

“Oh, you did his nails too? They look amazing!”

“It’s your turn!” she exclaimed.

Just then your brother walked through your door effectively saving you from a makeover.

“I hear your daddy,” you said and then Harper ran out to see him.

You and Sebastian followed and as your brother took in the sight of Sebastian and laughed.

“Hey kiddo! You feeling better?” he asked as she ran up to him.

“She had motrin at 4:30,” you informed him.

“Thanks Y/n,” he said looking around at all the boxes. “Man, it’s weird to see this place packed up. Am I seeing you before you leave?”

“Probably not. Did Mom call you to have you help move what I don’t take into storage?”

“Yeah, we’re coming on Saturday. Well drive safe. Call me when you get there.” He offered a handshake to Sebastian and said, “Sorry about all that,” he said referring to the makeup.

Sebastian shook his hand, “It’s no problem.”

Harper gave Sebastian a hug and then you knelt down to hug her. You didn’t want to let her go. “I love you forever.”

“Love you!” She said laughing while you kissed her cheek and then blew a raspberry making her laugh. You had tried your best to prepare her for not seeing you as often but you weren’t sure how much she actually understood.

Your brother came over to give you a hug.

“Thank you. I don’t know what I would have done without you,” he said as he hugged you.

“Love you. Have Noah FaceTime me later okay?”

“I will,” he said as he turned and he and Harper walked out of your house. You closed the door behind him and Sebastian wrapped you in a hug. He was trying to say comforting things but as you looked up at him you couldn’t stop yourself from laughing.

“I can’t take you seriously when you look like that,” you said laughing. “There’s makeup wipes in my bathroom.”

“No, I think this is a good look. Get used to the new me,” he said leaning in to kiss you but you playfully dodged it. He had too good of a grip on your waist so you ended up with lipstick all over your face.

“You want to order in? I’m not taking you anywhere looking like that and you just ruined what little makeup I had on.”

“Sure. Whatever you want,” he said.

As he walked away you took a look around at all the boxes around the house. You were definitely sad to be leaving but you were also excited about your future. It was scary but it would be an adventure. Everything with him was an adventure. Even something as boring as packing was fun with him.

After one more day of packing, you did it. You packed up your car and drove (well Sebastian drove) to New York. The drive up went as smoothly as it could. Between his carpool karaoke and the games you created on the way it really was fun.

On the second day of the road trip your brother called you to inform you that Harper was put on antibiotics for strep throat and that she also came down with bronchitis. Great you thought as you remembered her coughing directly in your face.

Three days later and you were at the doctor for the same thing. Nothing was able to stop you from coughing so the doctor gave you some cough medicine. The good kind with codeine.

Sebastian was doing a great job taking care of you and went to three different stores to find apricot nectar because that’s what your mom would give you when you were sick. When he got home the first thing he heard you say was, “Oh my god, Chris! Watch out!”

Why is Chris here? He rounded the corner and found you on the couch watching Civil War stoned out of your mind.

“What are you doing?”

“That’s not your ass,” you said pointing at the screen.

He just laughed, handed you your nectar and went into his office.

His office was very close to the living room so he could hear every comment you made even though you were hoarse and could not stop laughing.

“Oh, that was so hot!”

“It’s not Bucky’s fault Tony!”

“Back the fuck off T’Challa!”

He finally gave up and walked out of the office and over to the couch. He lifted your legs up, sat down and laid your legs across his lap.

“I thought you didn’t want to watch?”

“I want to hear your commentary.”

“Hey, can you introduce me to him?”

“Downey?”

“No, Tom. Cause if I was 10 years younger…”

“Get out,” he said pointing at the door.

You laughed and grabbed his shirt to pull him closer for a kiss but then you stopped yourself.

“No, I don’t want to get you sick,” you said as he kept moving closer to you.

“I’ll take my chances,” he said before he kissed you. You fell asleep soon after.

Living together came easy. Everything was going great. You had found work doing some consulting for a production company and could mostly work from home. He had a few months until he started a new project so he was home. When you finished work you two would go explore the city. Some mornings you would go for a run, some you would stay in bed and just be together.

You hadn’t felt up to running the last couple of weeks. You just felt so tired but now you felt like you were gaining some weight because you spent the last 2 weeks being lazy around the apartment and eating crappy food. Today when Seb got home from his run and you were still laying in bed curled up he got a little worried.

“It’s probably just a stomach bug. I’m fine. I just need to rest,” you reassured him.

The next day you weren’t much better but you still got up and did some work in his office. Then the following day Sebastian wasn’t going to take no for an answer.

“Alright, that’s it. We’re going.”

“No, I’m fine Seb. Really. I promise I’m…” your sentence was cut off by you taking in a sharp breath as you grabbed your stomach in pain.

“No, you’re not. It’s been 2 days Y/n. Let’s go,” he said as he reached for your hand to help you up.

After a short cab ride you arrived at the hospital and were in with the triage nurse.

“Any chance of pregnancy? Last menstrual period?”

“I’m on birth control. They are really light if I even have one at all. I don’t really remember.”

After a ton of other questions and taking your vitals she brought you back into a room.

“Just change into this gown and the doctor will be right in.”

You rolled your eyes at the gown.

“Just put it on. Humor me,” Sebastian said.

“This is stupid. I’m fine,” you said but you had your hand resting on your stomach.

“Stop being so stubborn, babe. Just do what they tell you to.”

“Hi, are you Y/n?” a nurse asked walking into the room.

“Yes,” you said as you sat on the bed. You weren’t going to put the gown on unless they absolutely made you.

“And your birthday?” she asked looking at your hospital bracelet.

“Y/b/d.”

“Okay, I’m Caryn and I’m going to get a blood sample and put an IV in. On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the absolute worst, what would you rate your pain at?”

“Maybe a 6.”

“Is it constant or does it come and go?” she asked while getting the supplies out of the locked drawers.

“Comes and goes.”

You answered all of her questions. It’s been 2 days of intermittent cramping, no bleeding. You were tired and felt kind of bloated and were sure this was just a stomach bug.

The nurse drew your blood and put the IV in then walked out of the room. Sebastian stood up and leaned over to kiss your forehead. He started walking around the room snooping in the cabinets and drawers. He pulled the otoscope down from the wall and turned the light on.

“What do they do with this?”

“Have you ever seen a doctor? That’s what they use to look in your ears.”

His mouth pulled up into a frown as he nodded his head. He put it back and then started to pull the covers for the otoscope out of the dispenser and placed them on his fingers.

“It’s like those me me’s of Chris with the fingernails.”

“God, my boyfriend is a 12 year old. And it’s meme. Not me me.” You knew he was just trying to distract you and it was kind of working because he was so adorable.

The doctor then came in the room and introduced herself.

“Okay, so we got the results of your tests back and it seems you are pregnant.”

“I’m sorry…I’m what?”

“Your blood tests came back positive for pregnancy. I’m guessing you didn’t know?”

You and Sebastian looked at each other in shock.

“No, I’m on birth control.”

“Birth control is only 99% effective so becoming pregnant when taking it is rare but not unheard of. Have you been on any antibiotics recently?”

“Yeah, like 2 months ago.”

“That could definitely be a factor as well. Some antibiotics lessen the effectiveness of birth control. Now you have had no bleeding so that is a good sign but I’m going to do an ultrasound to check on everything okay?”

Frozen in disbelief you didn’t answer so Sebastian did.

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

You had stopped listening and weren’t sure when exactly when she left. Sebastian brought you out of your haze. Sitting on the bed he grabbed your hand and said, “Hey, look at me.”

“This can’t be happening. How did I not know?” you asked. As you looked at his face he seemed so unbelievably calm.

“Whatever happens, we’re going to get through it. We are going to be okay. I’ve got you, okay?”

You took a deep breath and closed your eyes.

“Yeah, okay,” you agreed.

“Come on,” he said as he pulled you into his arms. He lifted your head up to kiss you.

“I love you.”

“Love you.”

The doctor came in bringing in an ultrasound machine and you laid on your back. Sebastian was sitting in his chair next to your bed and was holding your hand between his and resting them under his chin.

As you turned your head and looked at him he smiled and said, “I’ve got you.”

You forced a smile. The room was quiet with the lights turned down and you were holding your breath for what seemed like an hour while the doctor started the ultrasound. You were too scared to look at the screen so you just stared at Sebastian.

“Okay, so based on the measurements I would say you are about 7-8 weeks along. If you look here, this is the amniotic sac and this is the baby right here,” the doctor said pointing at the screen. You turned and looked at what she was pointing at. “And this flickering here is your baby’s heartbeat.”

You stared at the little moving black and white form on the screen and you brought your free hand up to your mouth while Sebastian let out a breath and kissed the hand he was holding.

“Is the baby okay?” Sebastian asked the doctor.

“I would say so, yes. The heart beat is strong. You’re still going to want to go see an obstetrician as soon as you can but I think everything looks great here. Some women experience pain in the beginning of pregnancy because their body is preparing for the growing uterus so your pain is not unusual.”

You were ugly crying at this point but you didn’t care. You had gone from being in pain to being a mom not knowing if her child was okay or not to being the happiest you have ever been.

“I’m going to print some pictures for you and I’ll get you started on some prenatal vitamins. You can take tylenol for the pain. The nurse will be in shortly to take out your IV. Congratulations!”

“Thank you,” you said as she walked out of the room. You looked at Sebastian and started to say something but were cut off by him crashing his lips against yours.

“You have no idea how happy you just made me,” he said hugging you, then kissing you, then hugging, and kissing and all over again. You had never seen him this happy before. He looked like pure joy wrapped in bliss and covered with all the love in the world.

“Oh my god…Oh god. What if I’m not ready? Oh my god, I’m not ready!“ you started freaking out and panicking.

“Are you kidding? You’re going to be the best mom. I’ve seen you with Noah and Harper. You always know what to do and they love you so much. You’re going to be amazing. I have no doubts.”

“I have doubts! Me! I have doubts!”

“Y/n,” he said holding your face and looking deep in your eyes. “Let’s go home and I’ll tell you 1000 reasons I know you are going to be a good mom. And I’m going to tell you over and over until you believe me.”

His eyes always had a way of hypnotizing you and calmed you down.

“Ok,” you said as you wrapped your arms around him and he held you tight.

“I love you so much,” he said.

“I love you too. You better be right or I’m going to be so mad at you.”

It took him 2 days but he eventually convinced you. Then it was his turn to freak out. It was so nice of you two to take turns. He had been so busy keeping you calm and convincing you that you would be a good mom that he didn’t even think about what this made him.

“You know how I know you are going to be a good dad? You don’t give up when things get hard. You let Harper put makeup on you. You fixed her toy that she broke. You love me so you are obviously smart. You are so wonderfully caring and considerate. And your mom raised you right. You’ll know what to do by just being her son. I have no doubts.”

“None?”

“I have zero doubts,” you repeated as you put your arms up around his neck and kissed him. He had his arms low and around your waist. “We have 7 months to prepare. We are going to be fine.”

“You better be right or I’m going to be so mad at you,” he repeated your words back to you. Even when he is scared he is still trying to make you laugh.

With both of you finally done with your freak outs you decided to keep the news between just the two of you for a little while. It was sort of fun keeping a secret. You had both known for about a month so you were now 12 weeks pregnant and definitely starting to show.

You and Sebastian FaceTimed with your family and told them to which your mom cried happy tears. You and Sebastian went to dinner with his mom and stepdad and told them. They were thrilled of course. His mom told you, “Good luck with finding a name. Nothing goes with Stan!” You told a couple of your close friends back in Atlanta and they were sworn to secrecy as were Seb’s close friends.

They all had the same follow up question to the news: when’s the wedding? You never really gave Sebastian a chance to say anything because your response was, “I have bigger priorities right now.”

Everyone asked. Everyone except Chris. God bless him.

“Not drinking Y/n? Are you pregnant or something?” he asked jokingly when he met you and Sebastian for dinner while doing press in NYC.

When you said nothing and Sebastian just smiled Chris turned into a child on Christmas morning.

“No way! Seriously? I’m so happy for you! This is so great!” He stood up and hugged you and then Sebastian. “So I’m like the godfather right? I mean I’m the reason this is happening at all.”

“Yes, Chris you will be the one doing all the hard work,” you sarcastically responded.

“Well, Chris…it’s a great name. Something to think about,” Chris offered.

“Yeah, not happening. Sorry man,” Sebastian said

Dinner was spent catching up. You hadn’t seen Chris in at least 5 months and probably only talked a few times. Sebastian talks to him more. You and Chris were weird. You could work together every day for months and then not see or talk for months but you always picked up right where you left off.

After telling Chris 3 more times that he would not be naming his child Chris, Sebastian looked at you and asked, “You ready?”

“Yeah, let’s go. Chris…thanks for dinner.”

“I’m so happy for you guys,” he said giving you a huge hug and then one to Sebastian. “Hey, I’m back in New York in a few months so if I don’t see you before then just do me a favor. Promise me you’ll think about the name. Middle name would work!”

“Quick. Just walk away,” you said grabbing Sebastian’s hand and walking away.

Once home you went straight into the shower while he returned a call to his manager. You were in there for maybe 5 minutes when Seb walked into the bathroom on the way to the closet. As he walked in he saw you through the steam and the glass doors. Your hands were running through your wet hair and your stomach was beautifully plumped out with his baby.

When you noticed him standing there you simply opened the door and asked “Are you coming in or not?”

He immediately undid his belt and zipper and walked out of his pants while taking his shirt off. Stepping in to join you he walked you backwards until your back hit the wall. Despite it being a hot shower the wall was cold and you took in a deep breath as the temperature change shocked you. His lips were on yours while his hands were massaging your breasts as he leaned against you. You brought your hand down to stroke his cock and he sighed into your mouth.

He slowly moved his hands down your sides stopping at your hips and tightening his grip to pull you even closer. One hand continued to trail down your side to cup your ass and the other reached up to move your stroking arm up around his neck so you would have something to hold on to. With both hands on your ass now he lifted you off the ground and your legs were hooked around his waist.

Wasting no time he lined you up perfectly and with one thrust he was in. He gently moved his hips so he was moving in and out while his mouth was on yours. You broke the kiss when he began to speed up his rhythm and he buried his face in your neck. Your grip on his shoulders was getting tighter and he knew you were close so he didn’t hold back. Giving you all he had he felt you tighten around him as your back arched and his name passed your lips. He loved hearing you say his name and it took only a few more thrusts for him to come.

You brought your hands up to cup his face and kissed him as he set you back on your feet. He told you he loved you as his hands rested on your stomach.

“I love you too. I’d love you even more if you went out and got me a cheesecake.”

“Whatever you want,” he said with a loving smile.

Next Chapter

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@superhero-missouri

@stuckysbabe

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#sebastian stan #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan x you #sebastian+stan+fandom #sebastian stan smut #sebastian stan fluff #sebastian stan fanfiction #chris evans #pregnant reader

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chasseurdeloup-retired · 4 years

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Taco Bout Hospital Service || Queenie and Kaden

TIMING: The late night after the mime stabbing incident PARTIES: @drqueenieking and @chasseurdeloup SUMMARY: Queenie babysits Kaden in the hospital. There’s sass.

Waking up in the hospital sucked. Kaden wasn’t getting used to this and he hoped to god he wasn’t going to, either. “Regan?” he said her name before he turned over to see if she was there. And, when he looked over, there was no one there. Fair enough. There was no reason she should be chained here just because he was, even if he sort of hoped she’d be there. That said, this might be the one time he had the chance to make a break for it. He did a quick look around. Seemed clear enough. He’d have to figure out where his clothes were, he wouldn’t make it far in just this hospital gown, but fuck if he was staying in this place any longer than he had to. Kaden reached over to yank the IVs out of his arm dramatically as fucking possible for the tenth time tonight. And then someone walked into the room. Putain, hopefully it wasn’t a medical professional. His hand shuffled quickly away and he sat up like nothing at all happened. Then his brow furrowed when he realized the woman in the doorway wasn’t at all a doctor. “Uh, can I help you? Who the hell are you?”

Sure, Queenie had missed date night for this. But despite the antagonistic relationship that she shared with Regan, she did consider her a friend. Plus, she knew how proud Regan was. It wouldn’t have been easy for her to ask Queenie to look after this man. Or to admit that she trusted her to keep him safe. Queenie wasn’t sure that she could have admitted it herself. Luckily, her husband had understood the situation. Queenie hadn’t had time to stop home before grabbing her stuff, so unfortunately she had come into the hospital in her jeans, converse and a hot sauce taco bell shirt that had “I may be hot, but he’s fire” written on it. She got more than a few odd looks as she rushed through the hospital to grab a lab coat and check on Kaden. Once she took a look at him and determined that he wasn’t going to bleed out, she had left him unconscious in the room for a few hours while she went to grab food from the cafeteria and call her husband. She lost the lab coat somewhere in this process, and walked back in with perfect timing. Just as Regan had warned, the man didn’t like hospitals. He perked up when she walked in, but it wasn’t hard to tell that he had been fiddling with the tubes sticking out of his arms. “You can help me by not messing with your Iv’s” She glared at him, closing the door behind her and making her way over to the counter. “I’m your doctor. Well, unofficially I’m your doctor. Trust me, you’re better off with me. My name’s Dr. Lin-King. Considering my attire, you can call me Queenie” She pulled some gloves free and pulled them on. “How are you feeling?”

Was this lady in a fucking orange t-shirt and jeans seriously trying to tell him that she was his doctor? “Unofficially? What the fuck does that mean?” Kaden asked. He was tempted to hit the nurse call button bullshit to see what was going on but the last thing he wanted was to have two medical professionals in his room. Or three, who knew. When she turned around and headed to the counter, that’s when he finally saw it. “I’m sorry, does that shirt say what I think it does? Are you actually a doctor, what the hell is going on here?” Oh great, and now she was putting on gloves. His eyes grew wide as his mind raced through what the fuck she planne on doing. Putain, he just wanted to get up and leave right then. Bolt. He could take her. Hell, he probably killed a guy earlier that night. This would be nothing. Even with the stab wounds and blood loss “I feel like I got stabbed, doc. But I’m fine. All sewed up, ready to be anywhere but here.”

Queenie sighed, Regan had given her a forewarning but hadn’t mentioned just how bad Kaden’s attitude would be. He was a real charmer, just like Regan. She understood why the two were so important to each other. “It means that Regan asked me to keep an eye on you.” She answered nonchalantly. Speaking of their mutual friend, she could only imagine how horrified Regan would be to know that Queenie was working without the proper dress attire. “Depends on if you can read or not, but I hope we’re reading the same thing.” She came over to Kaden’s bed and checked the screen for any changes in vitals. She ignored the clipboard, she had spent enough time staring at the thing and memorizing everything earlier in the night while Kaden was still passed out. “Sit still, you’re knocking your IV’s loose.” She warned him, grabbing at his arm to make sure that nothing had fallen out during his failed escape attempt. “Of course I’m a real doctor. Regan interrupted my date night. She’ll be back, by the way. She just needed to take care of a few things. She was very adamant that you are taken care of. And that you listen to whatever I say.” He definitely wasn’t going to make this easy, was he? “Stating the obvious doesn’t help me. Try a scale. Pain, 1-10.”

So this was Regan’s doing. Suddenly it made a lot more sense. Kaden wasn’t any less annoyed, however. His mouth spread in a thin line across his face as he held out his arm for her while she poked and prodded. Every part of him wanted to yank his arm away from her. But he also wanted her to leave already and Regan was right that cooperating was the easiest way to do that. He really hated that. “Yeah well I’d feel bad but a mime with a knife interrupted mine. Wait, that’s what you wore to date night?” He grumbled as she made sure all the needles and whatnots were back in place and not going anywhere. “Did she say when she’d be back?” Fucking soon, he hoped. He sighed. Seemed he was stuck with this Queenie for the moment. Great. “A one. Can I leave now?” Her face said no pretty clear as day. “Fine. Six. Maybe 7. But I have a high pain tolerance. Animal control. I’ve survived worse than this. Do I really need to be here for days?”

“A mime with a knife? I knew they couldn’t be trusted. What a wasted career path.” Perhaps Queenie would be driven to madness and have stabbed somebody too, if she had become a mime. Though obviously Queenie never would have never chosen to become a mime. “Never mind my attire. I’m not the one in the hospital bed.” So it had been a date? Queenie had some theories, considering Regan’s state of mind when they met up at the hospital. “No, but I assume it will be soon. She didn’t want to leave you alone for too long.” She didn’t bother gracing Kaden with a response. Clearly he was lying. She didn’t care how badass he thought he was. Bumping into a wall was a one, stab wounds were at minimum a five. “You can leave as soon as you’re healed up. However long that takes.” She did feel bad for the man. Being stabbed could not have been fun. And being stabbed by a mime just added insult to the injury. “We stitched you back up when they brought you in last night. You had some internal bleeding, but with some rest and these IV’s you’ll be good as new. Maybe a couple new scars. I need to check the wounds, sit still for me.” She made ready to peel it back the bandages to get a better look, but she wasn’t going to waste her time alone with Kaden without some questions. “How long have you and Regan been seeing each other?”

Kaden was oddly relieved to hear her distaste of mimes. At least they could agree on one thing. He was less thrilled about her attitude at the moment. It seemed like Regan had the better bedside manner, who knew. Still, didn’t like her answer to how long he was stuck there. However long that takes. Well, shit. That was going to be less than they anticipated. Kaden wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. “Well hopefully it doesn’t take long,” he grumbled. Kaden already wanted to squirm away from her as she went to look at his wounds; her questions only made it worse. He could run, right? Just roll right off of the bed and bolt out of this place. That’d be fine. It could work. No one would stop him. “Depends.” He sighed and lay still as he could fucking manage while she checked his wounds. He might as well cooperate. Not like he was going anywhere anytime soon. And he had a feeling she was the type to demand answers eventually. Might as well get it over with. “A few months. Why are you asking? How do you know her anyway?”

“Technically by law I’m not allowed to hold you here. We could be charged with false imprisonment.” Queenie felt obligated to tell the man, whose mumbling and grumbling certainly made Queenie wish that he would refuse their services and stumble out of the hospital so she could get home and go to sleep. But she really didn’t need him bleeding out and Regan holding that against her. “But we’d both have to put up with Regan then. So pick your battles.” Not to mention Queenie wasn't especially good at following the rules anyways. “I can see why the two of you get along. You’re both stubborn as hell.” She rolled her eyes, peeling back the first bandage to get a better look. No sign of infection, which was a plus. But more than that, the wound looked surprisingly good for being less than a day old. It was still there, but the length of it had shortened, as if some of it had already begun healing. A puzzled look on her face, Queenie pushed at the some of the areas around the wound, “Do you feel any pain when I do this?” When she was done with the first, she swapped the bandage out for a clean one and moved onto the next stab wound. Same thing there as well. “Either I must be better at this than even I thought, or you have an extraordinary amount of red blood cells. This wound is healing surprisingly fast.” She explained absentmindedly, rebandaging the second wound and pulling her gloves off of her hands and discarding them in the trash. “We went to med school together. Haven’t had a lot of contact until I moved to Maine a few weeks ago, so I’m very curious about her life now. You’re an animal control officer? Does that mean you partner with the police department?” If so, very curious that Regan would find herself in a relationship with what could be construed as a coworker.

“Point made.” Kaden was sure even if he left, Regan would drag him back kicking and screaming. He didn’t know how, but he trusted she’d find a way. His heartbeat picked up as she looked at the first wound. This might have been the first time he wished that he didn’t heal quite so fast. Maybe she wouldn’t notice. Merde. The look on her face said otherwise. She definitely noticed alright. Kaden winced at her touch, but it honestly wasn’t that bad. He tried to exaggerate it a bit. “Oh, yeah, it hurts, alright. I just got stabbed in the chest.” He fixed his gaze to the speckled shitty ceiling tiles as she moved on to the next one. He knew it wasn’t going to be any better. Fuck. This is exactly why he hated hospitals. Shit like this. Having to explain it and hoping no one noticed. “Red blood cells, yeah. Must be that. Guess that means I’ll be out of here sooner than you think. Can’t wait.” Thank god she was covering them back up, he didn’t need her prolonging this any longer. If only that meant she’d leave and stop asking him fucking questions. “Med school, huh? You know you could just ask her instead of grilling your patient.” He had to wonder how the two of them got along back in the day. Something about the way Queenie worked seemed diametrically opposed to how seriously Regan took every little rule. “I am, yeah. Technically have a badge and everything. So yeah, I partner with them but I’m not exactly knee deep in murder investigations or shit like that. Mostly it’s just a lot of actual shit.”

A promise was a promise. From the looks of it, Kaden was going to be just fine, but Queenie wasn’t going to leave his side until Regan was back. Hopefully that was sooner rather than later. Kaden clearly didn’t want Queenie there any more than she wanted to be there herself. But she wasn’t exactly mad at the opportunity to question someone so personal to Regan. Regan had always been so stoic, she wondered if that translated into her romantic life as well. Kaden seemed very shocked that his wounds had started healing so quickly, but perhaps the relief at the idea of getting out of the hospital was enough that Kaden didn’t actually care. Still, it was peculiar. But Queenie was just here to make sure that Kaden survived and left the hospital, the rest didn’t matter as much to her. “Well, I’m sure you know how Regan can be. It’s much easier to pry this information from a friend that has nowhere else to go right now.” Queenie grabbed the chair from the other side of the room and dragged it over closer to Kaden’s bed. She still kept her distance, they weren’t friends or anything, but she figured since the two were stuck they may as well talk. “Fascinating. A couple of people asked Regan out back in school. She never wanted to mix business with pleasure.” She reached into one of the drawers and pulled out a stack of magazines, flipping through them until she found one that interested her and she fell back into the chair, haphazardly glancing at the pictures as she flipped through. It was peculiar. He must have been someone special for her to break her own rule. “So what’d you do to piss that mime off?”

“Right. Pretty sure I’m a little more than a friend but sure. I do. Still trying to figure out why you care.” Kaden sort of wondered if he should really be telling this woman all this about Regan. Then again, she had asked her to watch him. She must trust her well enough, right. “What kind of friends were in school anyway? Didn’t even keep contact?” Part of him wanted to ask more about what she’d been like in school, find out how much had changed since then. He figured he’d have to play along a bit longer til he got to ask the fucking questions. If he could last that long talking to the doctor. “Good to know that’s a long standing thing with her.” Was she fucking settling in? Shit. Regan really had put her on babysitting duty. And she had magazines? For fuck’s sake. He was finding it harder and harder to believe the two of them had ever been close. Still, had to admit he was a little jealous she had something to occupy herself with. He’d take anything at this point. A coin to flip, paper clip to bend, rubber band to fucking snap, anything he could do with his hands beyond fiddle with the edge of a sheet. Or contemplate trying one more time for the IV. Sitting still with nothing to do was going to fucking kill him soonere than any stab wounds. He turned and shot her a look while she continued to flip through her magazine. “I’m sorry am I fucking boring you?” He sighed and went back to counting dots on the ceiling tiles. “And yeah, trust me, she told me all about how she doesn’t make friends at work. Let alone date colleagues. She’s also said she doesn’t consider our jobs to have enough overlap for her to worry too much. Considering I don’t normally deal with human death and cant’ even make arrests, she’s probably right,” he said with a small shrug. He wasn’t sure how much of that he really believed but at the same time, it was hard for him to think he was some sort of exception. There was no way Regan would break her self imposed rules for the likes of him, right? He turned back to Queenie at her question, eyes narrowed and face scrunched in incredulous confusion. “Putain, really?” He groaned. “I did not piss off a mime, he barged in the restaurant and attacked me out of nowhere. The hell kind of doctor are you anyway? Asking shit like that.”

More than a friend? This was even better than Queenie had imagined. To think, Regan had neglected to mention this when the two were reconnecting. She would just have to ask her about this Kaden fellow. Maybe invite them over for a double date night. After Kaden was released, obviously. Though she wasn’t sure how well her husband would fare against Regan and Kaden. Regan didn’t have much of a funny bone in her body, and Kaden didn’t seem particularly chipper. And that was coming from Queenie, who had often been described as a mixture of both of those same qualities. “Yes, well the two of us were more focused on the educational aspects of Med School. We wanted to be the best. In a way, that kept us from making a lot of friends. And also made us… unique friends ourselves.” Any of their classmates may have assumed that the two hated each other or at the very least competed with each other for top spot. That was true, but throughout that they also developed a sort of kinship. Queenie was flipping through her magazine when Kaden asked if he was boring her. “Well you certainly aren’t the friendliest conversation. But I’m multitasking.” She shrugged, reaching over to hold up the stack of magazines, “You want one too?” He probably was going a little stir crazy in the bed, though considering the look of the wounds he would probably be here for another day or two max. All things considered, for two stab wounds to the chest that was a short trip. “Right, of course.” Queenie didn’t believe it and she didn’t think Kaden did either. But Regan was fantastic at rationalizing things to herself. Of course she would find a workaround in her own logic to date Kaden. “Hey, I’m here off duty. Usually I couldn’t care what brought someone into the hospital unless it pertains to the operation. We’re stuck here until Regan gets back, figured I’d ask some questions. We can sit here in complete silence if you’d rather have it that way.”

“Guess that doesn’t surprise me. With how seriously she takes work and all,” Kaden responded. He was still curious what kind of friends that made the two women if they were always competing against each other for the top spot. “I’d ask who ended up being the best in your class, you or her, but I have a feeling you’re not going to give me the unbiased take.” Not that it mattered much to him either way, he just wanted to see what kind of response he’d get; what else he could dig out of her. He still didn’t like how quickly she'd settled in over there; “Yeah well Regan asked you to be here, not me." He raised a brow as she handed him a stack of random magazines. He didn’t really want to read a single one but he was desperate. "Fine," he said as he reached out and took one off the stack and started rolling it into a tube in his hands. Less reading material, more fidget device at the moment. It felt better already just having something to do with his hands. Didn't do a whole lot to lessen how much he wanted to get up and run out of there, but it was something at least. “Again, I didn’t ask for a babysitter.” He sighed and the room was quiet for a moment, nothing but the hum of the fluorescent lights and the occasional drip from the bag of fluids. She may have had a point. “Fine. Anything else you want to you know?”

Queenie nodded in agreement. Of the two, Regan would most likely win that battle. Both took their jobs seriously, but Queenie had always been more open to more rule bending than Regan was. In that sense, Regan was about as serious as they came. “That doesn’t matter.” Queenie shot a look over at Kaden. At the end of the day, how the two fared in med school didn’t matter at all. Because neither of them had ended up at the top. Dr. Chonksky had swooped in under their noses and stolen that from the two of them. And look how she had ended up. What a wasted career. “Another doctor ended up at the top of the class. Shame what happened to her.” She shook her head and flipped another page in her magazine. Kaden messing with the pages of the magazine was slightly irritating, but Queenie relented. Queenie didn’t reply to Kaden, just sat in silence for a while until he finally spoke again, a knowing smirk crossing her face. Just as she had figured. “I’ve covered my bases. I won’t hound you too much for information. I’ll leave some of my interrogating for Regan herself. You got anything for me? It’s only fair.”

Kaden’s brows furrowed. “Uh, what happened to her?” Not that he sincerely cared but the way she said it, it was hard not to be even a little bit curious. He drummed his fingers on the magazine before flipping through to see if there was anything remotely worth looking at. Couldn't say he was impressed. He turned to her at her question. “I mean, you covered a lot.” He paused to think if there was anything more he wanted to know. Then he caught a flash of orange. “That’s right. I need to know. You really went out in public in that shirt?”

Queenie shook her head at Kaden’s question, deeply sighing before answering him. “She became a plastic surgeon.” There was a hint of disgust and disappointment in her voice. Perhaps her tone had made him believe she had died or something. But some things were worse than dead. Queenie was still bitter that she had wasted all of her talent to become a plastic surgeon. What a tragedy. “I’m thorough” Queenie grinned, proud of herself. She had to admit that Regan fascinated her. Though it seemed that much had stayed the same with her, so much had changed as well. Of course, that was to be expected with anyone over time. But Regan had always seemed so opposed to change that Queenie honestly thought the woman might never age through sheer stubbornness. “Of course I did” Queenie glanced down at her shirt, wondering what could be wrong with it. “Oh, you must be confused because there’s no fire, like the joke implies. My husband was wearing the fire shirt. Make more sense?”

Kaden’s face scrunched up and his eyes narrowed. Plastic surgery? Was… was that supposed to mean something? “Oh. Yeah. Of course. Plastic surgery. What a failure.” At least it was nice to learn that all doctors were weird and intense and not just Regan. He wasn’t sure if that was comforting or not. Or that he really needed two people like that in his life. Granted, at the moment, it seemed like he didn’t have a choice, Just when he thought he couldn't be more confused, she explained the shirt. Well, she tried to explain it at least. His head tilted as he looked over her outfit again. “Yeah I got that much. More confused why you both wore matching shirts in the first place. Is that a thing? That you do?” Oh god, did couples do that? That sounded awful. Maybe a death curse was preferable to that. Mimes, maybe not.

Queenie nodded as if this was completely common knowledge, “I’m glad you agree with me. No wonder Regan likes you.” There were a lot of reasons that Queenie could see the two together. Ironically, there were also a lot of reasons why she was still seemingly unable to shove the two of their puzzle pieces together. She was still having a hard time processing the professional and personal mixing of the two. Definitely something worth discussing with Regan at a later date. Once her boyfriend was out of the hospital. “How are others supposed to know that we’re w- a couple if we aren’t wearing matching shirts?” She had almost said winning but changed her mind at the last moment. She needed to calm herself down, she didn’t actually know this man. “Every date night we usually wear something coordinated. It’s like our thing.” She added as if this was the most common thing in the world. “Okay, fine. Admittedly I thought it was a bit weird at first too. But after a while it really starts to grow on you. Just wait until the four of us go on a double date and we all wear Taco Bell shirts. You and Regan can be mild.”

#wickedswriting #writing #chatzy #drqueenieking #queenie #Taco bout hospital service #YES I CHANGED THE TITLE DON'T JUDGE ME

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kuvirametalbender · 4 years

Note

1, 2, 3, 4, 7, 10, 18, 23, 25, 73, 84, 89, 100 😳

1.: When was the first time you had sex with someone?

urgh embarrassing, sophomore year of highschool with an old childhood friend. vwe where playing video games and everytime someone lose they had to do a dare and things escalated from there

2.: When you had sex for the first time, was it intended or spontanious?

I guess spontaneously intentional? tensions had been growing for several months prior to that.

3. 3.: Have you ever had sex with someone with a vagina or boobs?

Nope, only make out sessions

4.: How would you feel about being someone’s first sexual encounter?

I don’t have any thoughts whatsoever except i hope i make it a pleasant experience, Im acutally my current boyfriend’s first

7.: Do you prefer rough sex or soft sex?

I like both! I prefer softer sex when topping and rougher sex when bottoming but i like to switch it up. In fact even during an encounter i usually switch between rough/soft because i just like too many things lmao

10.: Where do you stand on the monogamy/polygamy-scale?

It depends really, but i definitely favour monogamy a lot more

18.: Do you like it when your sexual partner moans?

Of course! vocal partners are the best

23.: Are you into threesomes?

I’ve only had one and it was fun, wouldnt mind doing it again but i dont think i could do it with my current boyfriend. I’d have to be single again or something.

25.: What are your thoughts on double penetration?

exaggerated porn nonsense that seems more uncomfortable and outright painful

73.: What are your hard limits when it comes to sex?

Things that have to do with bodily waste, blood, Medium to Big amounts of pain (I dont mind small tiny bits of pain).

84.: What kind of porn do you like to watch?

I have like 15 porn videos that ive been rewatching for the past 10 years tbh i like a lot of broke “straight” boys, and college parties

89.: Do you have any favourite porn stars?

Nooo, i prefer amateur porn

100.: What was the strangest object you used to masturbate?

I dont usually use objects, i have two dildos and I guess in my teenage years i used the handle of a hairbrush :P

#me #mail #Anonymous

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nevertellmetheodds2017 · 4 years

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sorry for the interruption

So, just a few hours after I said “nothing much to report” .... my fevers spiked high, I started feeling really sore and having deep bone pain. No es bueno. It was a crappy afternoon, then I took all my meds and sort of slept through that night but Sunday was miserable. I was essentially bedbound for Sunday & Monday, & part of Tues which would have been maybe fine if there was an actual comfortable bed position but nope. Nothing I tried felt good, not heat, not cold, not propping, not flat, not prone, not supine, not lateral recumbent, nothing. Sitting, standing, walking were all big NOPE. Sleeping became difficult also. I couldn’t really distract myself with tv or music or anything because of the pain. Speaking of pain, some humor from Hyperbole and a Half:

“You've probably seen some version of that chart before. You may also have noticed how inadequate it is at helping you. Based on the faces, this is my interpretation of the chart: 0: Haha! I'm not wearing any pants! 2: Awesome! Someone just offered me a free hot dog! 4: Huh. I never knew that about giraffes. 6: I'm sorry about your cat, but can we talk about something else now? I'm bored. 8: The ice cream I bought barely has any cookie dough chunks in it. This is not what I expected and I am disappointed. 10:You hurt my feelings and now I'm crying! None of that is medically useful and it doesn't even have all the numbers, so I made a better one with all the numbers:

0: Hi. I am not experiencing any pain at all. I don't know why I'm even here. 1: I am completely unsure whether I am experiencing pain or itching or maybe I just have a bad taste in my mouth. 2: I probably just need a Band Aid. 3: This is distressing. I don't want this to be happening to me at all. 4: My pain is not fucking around. 5: Why is this happening to me?? 6: Ow. Okay, my pain is super legit now. 7: I see Jesus coming for me and I'm scared. 8: I am experiencing a disturbing amount of pain. I might actually be dying. Please help. 9: I am almost definitely dying. 10: I am actively being mauled by a bear. 11: Blood is going to explode out of my face at any moment. Too Serious For Numbers: You probably have ebola. It appears that you may also be suffering from Stigmata and/or pinkeye.” Original from Allie McBosh & why her pain scale is not used in every medical setting is beyond me. Also once you see the ‘haha I’m not wearing any pants’ on our pain scales you can’t unsee it and you giggle if a patient chooses that number....

And now, back to our story. This was my treatment without prednisone & it is quite likely that the pred had been holding some of that pain at bay in previous treatments. My MO thinks it was the atezolizumab - the very fancy immunotherapy which costs $$$ - that is the culprit, more than the taxol. Taxol causes a bit muscle and bone pain but not at this scale. Atezo meanwhile likes to do that. And it does it randomly, so next treatment might have not much pain or same, or completely different symptoms. Because it does crazy things to the immune system, any of the autoimmune system disease symptoms can appear. I wonder if Atezo affects women differently from men, since women are more prone to auto immune diseases (one theory is that the second X is interfering/amplifying certain immune responses)

Anyway. Tuesday I was able to make myself some tofu french toast but my legs were so weak that I had to grab a chair and finish cooking sitting down. I thought I was so proud of ticking that ADL (activities of daily living for nursing care) task that I took a photo of it but I must have imagined that because I have no photo. But I made it! My poor jello legs. I have muscle atrophy already and 3 days in bed w/ almost no activity barring bathroom visits and flopping around the bed just made everything worse. But every day is a bit better. On Wednesday I had blood work and a visit with my trial nurse (which involve a fair bit of walking through clinics) and then the MO gave me a scrip for hydrormorphone. And then she warned me that if it is Atezo pain, this might not work & then she’ll think about next options. Anyway, my blood work was ok and I had treatment yesterday. It’s Day 8 of Cycle 3 so taxol only. I got the choice of a bed or chair this time & I picked the bed thinking it would be more convenient for icing but it sort of wasn’t. On the one hand there is more room and I can spread stuff out, but on the other hand, reaching the cooler was more cumbersome. Also, the IV infiltrated, ie, poked out through the vein. Thankfully it was an infiltration during a saline flush and not extravasation during any meds because THAT is a way bigger deal. My nurse extra gowns and gloves to hang my taxol because yeah, it’s poison. It was a bit wonky to start with; it was low on the wrist & I had to hold my wrist in a specific position or it would sting so I wonder if it blew out the back during insertion. My veins are super scarred from chemo now and the wrist ones are tiny as it is. I think I really blew it though because when I’m trying to get my icing packs on I end up bending it. My nurse needed to re-site the IV and from then on I was trying to put stuff on one handed. I have some ideas for how to make it work more easily next week. Here I am in my chemo bed. So thrilled, lol.

Today is the day after chemo. The dexamethasone IV from yesterday is still in my system and I’ve been puttering around for hours. I’m being careful to take it easy though & not overdo my cycle day 2. No zumba for me. No Zumba for Al either - she’s officially an RN at Fraser Health and is at a workshop today. So proud of her. She’ll be working on a surgical unit and is on a list for PACU training in the upcoming months. With all the elective surgeries being rebooked, surgical units will start being busy and we are of course hoping that they stay COVID free on the surgical wards.

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coridallasmultipass · 4 years

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Tmi / personal / endometriosis and menstrual issues / surgery / long post / venting ... I finally had a laparoscopic surgery done yesterday and they were able to confirm for me that i have endometriosis and it feels like a huge weight has been lifted! All my fucking life ive dealt with excruciating cramps and heavy bleeding during menstruation and i just wish i could go back in time and give a big 'fuck you' to everyone who ever told me "cramps are like this for everyone!" Or "just exercise, it helps!" Or "orgasms help with cramping!" Like hooooooh boy I knew it and im so glad to have all the cysts out of me now. I had previously tried numerous birth control options to prevent cramping and bleeding and got excruciating cramps with literally All of them and constant bleeding with the depo shot. (I had a very painful internal ultrasound done, to hopefully diagnose endo by that route, but it was inconclusive - variations in the thickness of the endometrium, which could be endo or it could just be normal...) Most recent birth control was an iud and i had to go to the er the same evening because my body couldnt stand to have it in there causing so much pain, i couldnt stop screaming and it sucked. The iud was a few weeks ago ((and the proceedure to insert it was the worst pain ive ever felt in my life, and the same sharp pain continued through the following days until i got it removed) and i havent been able to sit straight since, i have to keep sitting to one side in order to not feel like having an ice pick jammed in me. Its gotten better since the iud was removed, but i still get a sharp pain when i have to sit on something hard. My doctor recommended me to have a diagnostic laparoscopy with cystectomy ASAP because of the iud problems and all my failed birth control attempts. Everyone in my family freaked out and kept pushing me to not go through with it, but I knew i needed to know what was causing me so much pain, like tbh, as a trans man, id prefer just a straight up hysterectomy, but yknow either way this is a step in that direction anyway. I have an aunt who had to have the same proceedure twice because of complications, and kept telling me her horror story about how painful recovery was and i was like 'trust me its not going to be worse than an iud because i thought i was dying' and she blew me off like 'its going to be wAY worse' like uh no bc an iud was 666/10 on the pain scale for me, i genuinely thought i was dying or would have a heart attack with how bad the pain was; plus ive had surgeries before and was completely fine after... Anyway fuck what my family said i went through with it anyway and it wasnt that bad of a proceedure to wake up from! My first thought was 'oh no, did they hospitalize me? I feel like ive been asleep for weeks!!' But it was just the recovery room. Ive usually done pretty well with recovery, and this was no different. The worst part of the recovery room was the sensation of needing to cough from where they had inserted the breathing tube for anesthesia. (Today my throat is still a bit sore, and my voice hoarse, but warm mint tea has been helping a lot for that.) I was also feeling cramps similar to mild-moderate menstrual cramping, (no where near the sharp shooting pain of the iud, and no where near my normal, unmedicated cramping which has had me doubled over screaming in pain until the medicine kicks in in the past), and of course a bit of soreness from the incision sites and the general soreness of having gas trapped in my body. (They have to pump a bit of gas inside you so its easier to look around, and some of it stays trapped in you after.) Its a pain similar to what ive felt before just from my fibromyalgia in general, so i was very relieved for the most part. I also felt myself bleeding a bit while i was still in the recovery room. (Gross and tmi, but im still having a spot of blood only when i wipe today, so thats a relief after having been bleeding a majority of the days over the past few months trying different BC options.) Strangely, when i got home i didnt feel groggy or in need of a nap like i have for surgeries in the past. I was also warned of having nausea from the anesthesia, but i had none at all!! And i was warned by multiple sources that i wouldnt have an appetite, but boy i ate almost Everything in the kitchen yesterday im pretty sure ive gone through a whole box of protein bars since yesterday too. Multiple sources (including my family member who had the same proceedure) warned of a sudden bad mood drop immediately after the proceedure, And i dont wanna jinx it, but I have been in such a good fucking mood since i got home yesterday, but maybe thats just the painkillers talking, but still I was at a total low point, like, cant-get-any-lower low point in terms of mood, but i just... feel so good (besides the aching and incision site pain lmao) On to the pain now... The worst of it was waking up this morning after the surgery day. I had quite a bit of the trapped gas pain when i first lied down at night (and when i tried to lie on my side) but the feeling doubled when i tried to get up. Im very bloated still. While the bloating itself isnt very painful, it feels like the stretching of my stomach is pulling at the medical tape covering my incisions which is making them hurt. Im not getting the trapped-gas-roaming-my-body feeling As Often, but its obviously still trying to dissipate. I feel it most while trying to take a deep breath like a bubble pressing against my ribs, but easing a deep breath slowly in and out moves it around and makes it less uncomfortable. Light exercise, like slow walking, is supposed to help your body absorb/dissolve/release the trapped gas. So i did 5 minutes on, 5 off for 3 times on the slowest treadmill setting earlier and im going to try again tomorrow for the same. (I feel like it made my bloating worse, so i had to go back to resting after, but ive been getting up and down to get food for my insatiable appetite lmao) Now the actual tmi and gross stuff: It is really fucking hard to pee. Straight up i have to concentrate so hard. Normally i lean over on my arm to help push it all out at once, but i cant do that with the incisions over my belly lmao. Shitting is just as hard, but the Shit Gods have blessed me with the Antibiotic Runs this morning so im all set for today lmao. Im really bummed tho they put a bandage over where my belly piercing is supposed to go, so i couldnt put it back in after the surgery. The whole, not being able to bend over thing, is reminding me of what its like to have a fresh belly piercing, and im groaning bc im gonna have to go thru with it again to get it back.... and i feel like i jUSt got it done... (it was summer last year) ughhhhhh.... oh well, like at least this time it should go in straight i hope? Also, obligatory vent that... having a fucking uterus does not make me a woman i wish doctors and nurses would use gender neutral language... TLDR; had a laparoscopic surgery to diagnose endometriosis and remove the uterine cysts caused by it, having a great recovery so far!! Still waiting on follow up from the doctor for my next step, but im feeling a lot better than when i was suffering cramps from every birth control i tried to get Rid of cramps

#endometriosis #endo #chronic pain #fibromyalgia #menstruation #surgery #tmi #personal #vent #Cori.exe #Post.exe #long post

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scige-archive · 4 years

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welcome 2 my twisted mind ex dee ?

PREFERRED NAME — james uwu

PRONOUNS — she/they

AGE — 20

TIMEZONE — est

HOW OFTEN ARE YOU ONLINE? — everyday all day usually hjfdnkmg

HOW DID YOU HEAR OF WATERSHED? — i actually first found lockwood while going through the recommended blogs on mobile when you search up things via it (i think it was ‘new rp’ tht i searched) n then the next i checked they’d gone ovr to watershed n then there were Other Things bt i didnt end up joining until a few weeks or like a month later impulsively n now its been many months n im still here BJDNSKFMG love u guys

DISCORD — sniff #3644 where im also always online

OTHER SOCIAL MEDIA YOU’D LIKE TO SHARE — musing @svrgcnts n my pinterest is ‘big tid’ or offbrandsodapop uuuhh i dont think theres anything else!

MYER-BRIGGS — infp turned istp we call tht character growth

HP HOUSE — i honestly dont know anymore ive gotten all of the houses before bt ive just taken a test n i got slytherin so like :///

ZODIAC — aquarius!

DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY? — not to the point where it dictates who i like / dislike

DO YOU ENJOY ASTROLOGY? — ya im a slut for when things tell me what im supposed to be like bc i dont have a sense of identity

HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU STARTED RPING ON TUMBLR — uh like 19 bt ive been rping since i was 10

WHAT YEAR WAS IT? — early 2018 so actually i might’ve been 18 for a lil bit DJNKFLG

NAME A RANDOM ROLEPLAY THAT STICKS OUT IN YOUR MEMORY — listen i’ve had many, many good experiences bt for some reason what came to mind first was a weird owner/slave smut rp tht i stumbled across (never joined bc im ... not like that) n i was just rly baffled by the concept even tho ik its a Thing bc i thought smut rps died out like in 2017 BJDNFKMG

WHAT WEIRD ANIMAL WOULD YOU HAVE AS A PET IF IT WAS REALISTIC — i want a fucking capybara

WHAT PET DO YOU GENUINELY CONSIDER GETTING SOMEDAY? — i want a cat even though im rly allergic to them

NAME THE FIRST SONG ON YOUR DISCOVER WEEKLY ON SPOTIFY OR THE FIRST SONG THAT COMES ON APPLE MUSIC / ITUNES SHUFFLE — the apocalypse made me brave by girlfriends

NAME A BOOK THAT YOU READ IN SCHOOL THAT YOU SURPRISINGLY LIKED — um probably like ,,, the crucible ,,,

NAME A BOOK YOU HATED THAT MOST PEOPLE LIKED — god i dont know i’m not hard to please bt i wont lie i also like ... didn’t finish half the books i was supposed to read in high school. of mice & men maybe ... i hated books that didn’t do much n just wrote a whole bunch of nothing even tho i like those books now ... i think bc they were for school ... outside of school i hated the hazelwood n i think that the grisha trilogy is a bit. weak. bt i love six of crows. n also the um. theres this one YA series tht i never read bt i can tell i dont like NJKSMDFFDG

WHAT TV SHOW DID YOU RECENTLY BINGE? WOULD YOU RECOMMEND IT? — schitt’s creek DSJKNFDGF um i’ve also been watching gossip girl a lot & also asoue & also also i just started watching um end of the f***ing world n its very good so ?? i watched the first episode of his dark materials n i liked it n i havent finished looking for alaska bt its also very good

WHAT FILM DID YOU LAST WATCH? DID YOU LIKE IT? — uuuhh i think it was scream tbh ??? and ya it was p swell

FAVOURITE QUOTE — im a slut for anne carson bt i cant name any quotes directly rn i have rocks for brains

LINK TO A VINE / TIK TOK / VIDEO THAT EXUDES YOUR ‘ENERGY’ — this immediately came to mind

DO YOU WRITE OUTSIDE OF RP? WHAT DO YOU WRITE? — i used to write outside of rp bt i havent in ages bt when i do its usually like modern magic / urban fantasy / whatevr those kinda elements n abt faeries bc i like faeries

THREE YOUTUBERS YOU STILL LOVE & TRUST — jenna marbles, micarah tewers, and uh ,,, claire frm bon apetit

A CELEBRITY CRUSH THAT JUST WON’T QUIT — cary elwes ... andrew scott ... anne hathaway ... first three tht came to mind

EVER MEET A CELEBRITY? SHARE YOUR STORY — no bt david dobrik was in miami and i was NOT and im UPSET bc i want his MONEY

WHAT’S YOUR PICTURE-PERFECT NIGHT? — i am not in pain. thats it thats all

A CONSPIRACY THEORY YOU KINDA BELIEVE IN — jeffrey epstein was murdered haha jk thats not a conspiracy theory thats FACTS

ARE ALIENS REAL? — ya sure why not

PLAY ANY PHONE GAMES? WHICH ONES? — lily’s garden please play im level 1241

PLAY ANY OTHER GAMES? WHICH ONES? — i played all the bioshock games n rly enjoyed them ... deponia the entire series which is still my favorite video game 2 this day

WHAT’S A FILM YOU LOVED WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG AND RECENTLY WATCHED, ONLY TO FIND OUT YOU DON’T ANYMORE — i never finished my rewatch of the golden compass bt thats just bc i didnt feel like finishing it uuuh ... i dont know i enjoy things too easily

DO YOU COLLECT ANYTHING? — buttons n seashells and rocks and flowers until theyre dead and then i collect dead flowers and then empty glass bottles that look kinda cool and jewelry boxes or tin containers and i used to kiss an index card every time i wore lipstick and kept it, i had over 100 filed away for no reason at all bt i lost them & then i also collect condoms :/

WHAT’S SOMETHING YOU WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT BUT YOU’RE TOO LAZY? — i wna learn how 2 make jewelry n like ,,, embroidery bt i know how to embroider i just wanna get back into it n i wna learn like. knowledge. academic stuff too bt im also too lazy and im just a dumb old horse so :/

THREE LANGUAGES YOU DON’T SPEAK, BUT WISH YOU COULD — italian n french n ig spanish too

MOVIE YOU’VE WATCHED MORE THAN 5 TIMES — shrek ? austin powers ? princess diaries / elle enchanted ?? halloweentown n all the sequels ??

NAME A FICTIONAL CHARACTER FROM TV/FILM/MOVIE/GAME/BOOK THAT YOU FIND YOURSELF PROJECTING ON / YOU RELATE TO — shawn spencer frm psych, veronica mars, penelope garcia frm criminal minds, mike myers’ cat in the hat, dr. evil frm austin powers bt also his son scott evil, scooby doo probably, daria ??? i relate to my dog bodhi :/ puddles the clown

IS THERE ANY MEDIA (BOOK/MOVIE/GAME/TV SHOW) YOU FEEL CHANGED YOU IN SOME WAY? — six of crows / fleabag / deponia theyve all made me cry before bt like. continuously cry.

DO YOU FOLLOW ANY SPORTS? WHO DO YOU ROOT FOR? — no.

HOBBIES BESIDES WASTING AWAY HERE? — um. redacted

PLUG A TV SHOW / MOVIE / BOOK / VIDEO GAME / ETC… YOU WISH MORE PEOPLE WOULD CHECK OUT — big fish directed by tim burton go stare at danny devito’s bare ass do it do it do it i never even finished the movie i dont think BJNSKDMLFG

TEAM EDWARD OR JACOB? (IF NOT APPLICABLE, WHO DO YOU LIKE MOST IN THE TWILIGHT SERIES) — edward

LAST MOVIE SEEN IN THEATRE — um thts rly hard bc i dont know bt i have a ticket so let me just check ,,, the joker i went n saw the joker

DO YOU STILL READ FOR FUN? — occasionally bt i dont have motivation so

IF SO, WHAT ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING? — n/a BDKFJ

ON A SCALE OF 1-10, HOW MUCH DID YOU HATE FILLING THIS OUT? – 5 bt thats just bc im not feeling gr8 today

#wshtask #wshtask001

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disabled-queen-hc-blog · 5 years

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I haven't seen an ED hc on here yet and I need to project a bit so here's this: at the begging all the queen boys were skinny as hell but as time went on the only one who remained that way was brian. and everyone assumed that it was all natural. what they didn't know was that brian consciously started eating less when he got to the age where people's metabolism usually slows down. he was well aware that his skinniness was part of his trademark look and decided he needed to keep it that way (1/3)

he started cutting down the amount and frequency of his meals but the others never noticed - brian had always been peculiar with food (not eating meat or unhealthy things etc.) so they assumed he ate at home whenever he refused the takeout they had in the studio. in the mid 80s they slowly start noticing that brian’s no longer just skinny, but also sickly looking but still don’t say anything, assuming he might have a stomach bug going on (touring can bring that on quite easily after all) (2/3)

then, a couple of months later, brian passes out in the studio and the boys finally connect the dots. they feel incredibly guilty for not noticing the signs and are determined to help brian recover. (3/3) //if you could please write something where the boys realise all this had been going on without them noticing and then try to figure out how to help brian out of this mess while he refuses to believe that he needs help at all (can be gen or you can add a ship if you’d like)

TW explicit mentions of Eating Disorders, Disordered Eating, Anorexia, Orthorexia, Hospitalization and excessive vulgar language.

All your letters in the sand cannot heal me like your hand…

For my life still ahead, pity me…

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17,18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24

Again.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17,18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24

One more time. So you remember how you fucked up.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17,18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24

24 ribs sticking out from grey ashen skin.

Brian’s bony finger traced over each one as he counted outloud, eyes focused on the full body mirror in front of him.

You remember how handsome you used to be? Remember when theyjutted out like a fucking Greek god? But you ruined it. You ate that chocolatecupcake like the pig you are and now you’re fat again. Fat and disgusting.

“One, two, three, four, five…”

It doesn’t matter if you cry about it. It won’t make you anyskinnier. Put on your running shoes, fat ass.

“Twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two…”

RUN!

Brian wiped his face free of the tears, eye’s falling downto his bare feet. Skeletal but most people’s standards but bloated looking tohim. He had blisters on his heels from running a mile every morning, but itdidn’t matter. Pain was beauty, right?

♚

Of all the numbers, zero is the most beautiful. Brianthought that to himself as he ran around his neighborhood, the sun dipping inthe sky, crickets already chirping.

His knees hurt so bad, his chest was on fire and he was surehis blisters had reopened, but he had done this to himself. If he only atethings that were good, he wouldn’t have to run this second mile. If he juststopped inhaling anything that came into sight, he could be home right now,settling into a night’s rest.

But he was out here. In the cold English sunset, wearinglayers of jogging clothes to try and keep warm. He deserved this. Briandeserved this.

The day he hit his goal weight, he’d never have to do thisagain. He’d be doing zero laps.

♚

It was nearly midnight before he tempted to step on thescale.

The bathroom was so dark. Only trickles of moonlight pouredin from the window. He refused to turn on the lights since he weighed himselfnaked. Having to see his bare body was revolting. There was so much wrong withit. His legs were too chubby. His stomach so round. His cheeks akin to a hamster.It was better in the dark.

The cold metal of the scale sent a shiver up his body as hestepped onto it. He had to squint to see the number, but he was sure it hadgone up since this morning. That fucking cupcake.

8 stone.

Tears pricked his eyes. The number had gone down. Why was hestill so big?

So big.

Who could like someone so grotesque as him? With so muchskin? With so much fat?

Brian hugged himself, elbows tucking into his concavestomach.

He was disgusting.

♚

“You’re drinking your coffee black, Bri?” Roger asked, nosescrunched up as he peered into Brian’s coffee mug. Brian pulled the mug closerto him defensively but smiled and lolled his head as if nothing was wrong.

“You know I don’t drink milk, mate,” Brian said, taking asip of the acrid brew, forcing his brow to stay unfurrowed.

“Since when? Thought you were vegetarian, not one of thoseweird animal hippies,” Roger said eyes narrowed.

“Well, I’ve decided through research that the milk industryexploits cows. Did you know that mother cows and their c-“

“Yeah, yeah, alright. You could at least put a sugar or twoin there, you mad man,” Roger said with the wave of his hand, Brian’s plan atboring him with animal ethics having worked.

Brian smiled to himself, taking another sip. Roger was outof his mind if he thought he’d ever put sugar in anything he ate. Might as welleat straight fat. At least his little plan worked.

♚

“Brian, sweetheart, you look absolutely pale! Have you caughta cold?” Freddie said, a hand pressing against Brian’s clammy forehead. Brianducked away from the touch, laughing nonchalantly as he did.

“Perhaps? I feel, uh, fine. Maybe I’m just low in something,”he said as convincingly as possible. His fingers started to twiddle with the sleevesof his shirt that was far too big.

Freddie gave him a look he couldn’t decipher but he nodded.

“Well, you better rest up. Can’t have our main guydeveloping an ailment before our show tomorrow, huh?” Freddie said, a handstraying onto Brian’s bony shoulder. The touch made him erupt into goosebumps.

Did he know?

Does it matter?

♚

“Brian, we need to talk,” John said, his grey eyes big andstormy.

His gut dropped to the floor, heart pounding so hard itechoed in his ears. Was the gig up?

Brian wouldn’t go without a fight.

“What about?” he said casually, crossing one leg over theother, leaning back on the couch backstage.

John sat down next to him, uncomfortably close. Brian didn’tlike people touching him. It made it all the harder to hide.

John looked around to see if anyone was around before heleaned and whispered, “The crowds really big tonight. I, um, I’m kinda nervous,”

Oh sweet jesus. Thank god. Thank god.

The anxiety melted from Brian, a small smile growing on hisface.

“John, how old are you? You silly man,” He said jokinglybefore pulling John in for a hug.

The bassist grew rigid, not reciprocating. It’d only been a second,but the atmosphere grew bleak and heavy. John pulled away, face tightened infear. He looked over Brian for a second before he left in a hurry without somuch as a word.

Did he feel how skinny fat Brian was?

Who cares?

♚

Just because you finished a successful tour does not meanyou get to pig out. Look at all this food. It’s disgusting. Unhealthy. Do youwant to be fat? Don’t you want to be the skinny boy everyone knows and loves?

But I’m so hungry…

Hunger is good. Hunger means you’re strong. Hunger means you’rebeautiful. Hunger means you’re worth something.

I don’t feel good.

You won’t feel good if you get fat. If you stay fat.

I really don’t feel good.

Put that carrot down. Do you know how much sugar carrotshave? Do you want to poison your body with junk?

I think I’m gonna…

The after party for The Game fell silent. They’d all beendrinking, laughing, eating and a few other illegal activities when they heard athud. Hundred of eyes searched the room for the source of the noise untilsomeone spotted a collapsed Brian by the single veggie plate in the corner ofthe room.

Flurries of bodies and voices, yells and whispers erupted,some rushing to the phone, some running over to Brian.

Roger, Freddie and John surrounded their guitarist, panicfueling their every move.

“He’s bloody cold! Has someone called 999?” Roger shouted,rolling Brian over so he was on his back. It was a frighteningly easy task todo, the guy being light as a feather.

“Brian, sweetie, wake up please. Help is on the way, love.Stay with us, please,” Freddie pleaded, eyes misty as he held Brian’s handbetween his own, hoping to warm it up some.

John just stood next to the three, mouth and tongue seized,body trembling uncontrollably.

This is good. This is really good. Maybe soon you’ll benothing. Zero. A beautiful number. A beautiful state to be in.

♚

“…He was in fucking heart failure…”

“…electrolytes too low…”

“…emaciated…”

“…bone’s of a 60 year old…”

“And if he had died?”

“…you never said anything!”

“…was I supposed to know what this was?”

“He’s alive no thanks to any of you…”

♚

Brian’s eyes opened sluggishly, theonly thing he could seeing being an intense white light.

Was this it? Was he in heaven? Was allof this finally over? The pain and the cold and the empty stomachs and the migraines?Was that all gone now?

“He’s awake,” a mousy voice said.

Brian’s vision cleared, revealing awhite ceiling.

So he wasn’t dead.

He looked in the direction the voicecame, shivering when he saw it was John. His face was so swollen and so redfrom crying. It looked like he’d done a week’s worth. When their eyes met, Johnlet out a heart shattering sob, burying his face into Brian’s bed sheets. Theywere soaked.

Why was John crying so hard? He justpassed out was all. Nothing to be bent over.

His eyes scanned the room for other faces.

He found Roger’s. His eye bags wereunprecedented. His hair mused like he’d been trying to pull it out. Rogershrunk back into his chair, looking down at his shoes instead.

He didn’t have to look for Freddie.

Freddie walked up to Brian’s bed, hisface untelling. He looked at Brian’s IV, which he just now noticed he hadbefore he opened his mouth to speak. He faltered for a moment but spoke.

“Brian, I am so, so sorry,” he said,voice cracking, throat dry. He reached for Brian’s hand, but Brian pulled away,shaking his head.

“For what, Fred? I just passed out! It’sno one’s fault,” he said incredulously. They all looked like train wrecks for asimple blackout?

Freddie recoiled at Brian’s wordsbefore he softened again. His eyes parted from Brian’s, licking his lips. Whydidn’t anyone want to look at him?

“Brian…you didn’t pass out. You wentinto heart failure. You were in the ICU for 3 weeks in a coma. It…they had touse the electric paddles on you on two separate occasions,” his voice grewthick, obviously trying to push away the urge to cry and scream.

“They thought you weren’t going to makeit,” Freddie mouthed, his shoulders caving in as a few tears escaped down hischeeks.

Brian blinked before finally look downat himself.

Various bruises on his arm fromdifferent IV’s and blood draws Burn marks on his chest. And a line running downhis chest, all stitched and taped up.

A number 1, almost.

Not a zero.

He looked up to Freddie, jaw hanging.

“You needed a bypass, Bri,” Freddiesaid, a nervous hand rubbing his neck.

“W-Why?” Brian choked out, his mindhaving gone blank.

Roger snorted from across the room. “Youknow why,” he said bitterly.

And it was true. Brian knew why.

The room was quiet except for Deacy’smuffled sobs.

“I…I…the…I..can’t bloody think withyour crying, John!” Brian snapped. He didn’t mean it, he really didn’t.This..illness made him do horrible things. Nasty things.

John responded by growing smalleralthough his crying didn’t. Freddie wanted to bark back, but this wasn’t right.None of it was. Instead, he grabbed John and left the room. Roger was the onlyone who could talk to Brian about serious stuff anyways.

Brian gulped when the door slammedbehind the two. Now it was just him and R-

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Rogerasked, playing with the hem of his shirt. There was no malice in his voice.Just a simple question.

“I..didn’t think anything was wrong,”Brian said, which was the truth.

This, whatever it was, made the worldsplit in two. Reality and what went on his brain both felt real. He knew he wassick, but he wasn’t. He knew he was skinny but he wasn’t. He knew he was dyingbut he wasn’t. It was hard to know the truth sometimes. All the times. It washard to reach out when everything felt both okay and crumbling. Which was thetrue one?

Roger let out a puff of air from hisnose, eyes fluttering shut, desperate for sleep. In times of crisis, he seemedto be the only one capable of keeping their wits about, so he’d been on babysittingduty for nearly a month. He wanted his bed so bad.

He wanted his best friend too.

“That’s fair,” he said with a sigh.There was another silence between them before Roger got up and padded over toBrian’s bed side. He plopped himself onto the uncomfortably wet sheets but paidthem no mind, instead looking at the skeleton before him.

“We’re all really sorry, Brian. None ofus knew you were fighting a battle alone. We just thought…I don’t know what wewere thinking. But we thought you had a handle on whatever you were doing and thatwas wrong of us to just assume,”

“You needed us and we weren’t there.There’s only so much we can do about the past though, right? But we’re gonna behere for you from now on. When they send you to the psych w-“

“Psych ward?” Brian spat out, sittingup straighter in bed.

That’s where crazy people go. I’m notcrazy. I’m fine. I’m fine. I don’t belong there. They’ll make me eat. They’llmake me gain weight.

Roger just took in Brian’s anxiety, an uncharacteristicallygentle hand laying onto Brian’s bandaged chest.

With the sincerity and sweetness of amother, Roger said, “We almost lost you Brian. We almost had to bury you. We’renot going to let that happen again. You’re not going to leave us like that,”

Brian laid back against the bed, hisonly veiny and pale hand going over Roger’s.

Nothing felt real. Nothing made sense.Nothing was good. But he knew he could trust Roger. That infernal voice buzzingin his head might have been his constant companion, but Roger was his bestfriend. And best friends don’t lie.

Brian blinked away a few tears, hiswhole body tired, in pain and in a mental tug of war, but he said, “Okay,”Roger collapsed for the first time in weeks.

♚

John held onto Brian so tight, his faceburied into his neck. He would prefer to never let go, but he knew he had tosoon.

“Brian, I lo- you’re my best friend,okay? Get better?” he said before letting go. Brian smiled, patting his back.

Freddie came in for a hug next, meltinginto Brian’s embrace.

“I need my guitarist back. My soul brother,”Freddie said, kissing Brian’s cheek.

Lastly was Roger who just held out hishand for a shake. A firm one.

“See you soon, mate.”

Brian looked at all of them, taking intheir faces before he had to go. Wheeled out from the hospital and into the vanthat’d be taking him to the psychiatric ward.

The future ahead was scary and unknown,but he wanted to charge ahead. He wanted to live. For his friends, his family andmost importantly, himself. He wanted to play guitar and sing and eat and neverworry again.

All he wanted was to be four again.

Not zero.

Never zero.

Take heart my friend we love you

Though it seems like you’re alone

A million light’s above you

Smile down upon your home

#tw eating disorder #tw ED #tw ED mention #brian #anorexia #orthorexia #anorexic!brian #Anonymous #tw disordered eating #long post #longpost

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suchdan-veryphil · 5 years

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Two Worlds Collide - Dan Howell Imagine Part 15

Word Count: 1,417

Trigger Warnings: pain, swearing,

A/N: I have been waiting forever to write this and it took me forever to write this because depression sucks, yall. This is not the end of our story, though! I’m excited to keep writing and even create some new stuff. I know this one is wordy but this is what we’ve been waiting for right???? Anyways, I hope this does Dan and the reader justice. xox

Part 14

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“It’s been nine minutes since your last contraction, Y/N. I think it’s time.” Dan said as he began to gather the materials that we planned to bring to the hospital. I shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut as the pain began to subside.

“No, Dan. I’m not ready yet. Not at all. See? All gone.” I breathed out as I stood up straight again and rubbed the small of my back.

He hadn’t looked up from the diaper bag as he went over the mental checklist that he’d made all those weeks ago. “I think it’s time to go, sweetie. We don’t want to wait too long and then she’ll come here at home.”

“People have home births all the time, right?” I half-joked and ran my hands down my stomach as I glanced at Dan.

“Not funny. Let’s go, Y/N. I really think it’s time.” He looked up to meet my eyes.

“The books say 5-7 minutes. Nine is more than those.” I put a little whine in my voice in an attempt to show Dan that it wasn’t that my body wasn’t ready, but that I wasn’t ready. I had gone an entire pregnancy convinced that my baby wouldn’t make it to term, and here I was, about to give birth absolutely terrified out of my mind. I had spent so long preparing for the worst case scenario in my head that I had failed to prepare the best, most beautifully painful case scenario.

Dan rubbed my stomach as I rested my hands on my back and leaned into them a little. “You’re doing amazing. She’s going to be here and we’re going to have an itty bitty baby girl to hold and to love for the rest of our lives. Isn’t that beautiful?”

I couldn’t help but smile a little and nod my head. “Yea. I just- I feel like this isn’t real and that if I have her, I’m gonna wake up in my bed all of those months ago and none of this is going to be real. We’ve come so far and I don’t think I’m ready.”

With a sigh, Dan lifted his hand to rest on my cheek gently. “Unfortunately, love, it doesn’t matter if we’re ready because she’s ready.” He kissed my forehead as I closed my eyes and squeezed my eyes shut.

I sniffled in an attempt to hold back any tears and fears I had. “You’re right.” I paused. “Let’s go have a baby,” I said softly and looked down at my stomach, one tear escaping my eye. After taking a moment to take a breath and let everything sink in, I stood and looked at Dan.

“Let’s go have a baby,” he kissed my forehead, took my hand and picked up the bags that held baby Gwen’s things. I squeezed Dan’s hand out of nothing but pure anxiety. I had no idea how this was going to go and for some reason when I thought about having a baby in my arms, our baby, my heart started to beat three times as fast.

Once we were at the hospital, the nurses got me into a wheelchair and began to ask me basic questions. I knew they were just trying to keep my mind off of the pain that was coursing through my body, but I was really tired of being asked: “on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the most, how much pain are you in?” The answer was ten. Every time. Ten. I was about to squeeze a watermelon out of my very private area. Dan just held my hand and let me answer the questions. His gestures of affection were cute, but they weren’t taking the pain away.

“Are you sure you don’t want the epidural?”

“No, I just want her to be here so I can finally hold her,” I softly said and closed my eyes as my free hand made circles on the surface of my stomach.

A nurse approached the side of the bed to check my IVs before she smiled at me and Dan. “Hopefully you’re at 10 centimeters, you’ve been waiting a while, mom.” She made her way around the bottom of the bed and helped my legs go up in the stirrups. I looked at Dan who was watching the nurse with such great intensity.

With her help, I got my legs up on the stirrups and let our nurse examine my dilation. I could only look at the very intricate way that Dan’s jaw clenched as he waited for any word. The nurse soon stood up and walked towards the garbage can to toss the gloves.

“Well?” Dan asked and glanced at my legs.

“Get comfy, momma. You’re about to have a baby,” she replied and smiled at me before winking at Dan. I let a deep sigh escape as I pulled my legs back onto the bed and closed my eyes. “I’ll go get the doctor and we’ll be back in a moment.”

As she left, Dan leaned over and kissed my head. “Are you ready to meet her?”

I took a deep breath again and stared into the eyes of someone that I never expected to be taking this journey with. The man I spilled my drink on, the man who endured the most traumatic event of my life with. Dan was the man I pushed away and repeatedly gave reason to never speak to me again, and here we were, about to have a baby. Our baby.

I could feel Dan wipe my cheeks as I smiled and nodded my head. “I’m ready for her.”

The doctor and two nurses came into the hospital room that seemed to continue to shrink with every moment that passed. They spoke amongst themselves and I could feel my hands begin to get clammy as the nurse helped me adjust my posture. Dan just rubbed his thumb along the back of my hand as he stood beside me for support.

“Alright, momma Howell. Are you ready? On your next contraction, I’m going to need you to push until I tell you that you can relax, okay?” The doctor instructed as she sat between my legs and nodded up at me.

“Next contraction in 3, 2, push!” the nurse instructed excitedly.

The only way I can think to describe the next thing I felt was red. I saw red as the pain rushed over me. I cried out and pushed as hard as I could. This could not last another minute. My baby was ready for me, and goodness knew that Dan and I were ready for her. The minutes felt like hours as I pushed and pushed and breathed and breathed. I had directions and encouragement coming at me from all angles. Overwhelming is a nice way of putting how the room felt.

It was one hundred minutes of pushing my baby girl out, but after those hundred minutes, the room filled with a high pitched cry and my body flooded with relief and love. Dr. Atwood laid her on my chest and that was it. I lost my control and I just started to cry as I held her close to my heart. Guinevere.

“You did it, love.” Daniel kissed my head and leaned down to look at our beautiful girl in the eyes. “You did it, Gwen!” his eyes teared up. As I watched the interaction take place, my heart swelled and I couldn’t help smiling so widely that my eyes were almost closed. I went to cuddle Gwen closer, but our moment was cut short by the nurse approaching and explaining that they were going to take her and clean her up quickly before returning her to us. I bit my lip and nodded my head as I watched our tiny baby being carried away to be cleaned, weighed and swaddled for us.

Resting my head back on the pillow, I could feel Dan wiping the sweat off of my forehead before pressing his lips to my temple. “I’m so proud of you. She is absolutely wonderful.”

I nodded my head and held back the tears as I thought about it. “Yea, she’s perfect. I can’t believe she’s ours. We get to spend the rest of our lives loving and spoiling that little girl.” I wiped my tired eyes dry before I glanced up at Daniel and smiled. It seemed impossible to do anything else.

Everything was alright. Just like Dan had promised.

#two worlds collide #dan howell #dan howell fic #dan howell x reader #dan howell fanfic #dan howell imagine #daniel howell

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egotisticalee · 4 years

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angelii-ii replied to your post

“angelii-ii: ok but them talking about pain reminded me of some of my...”

oh I'm down if you want to talk about them dude fdjhgfdjh

you know what? its pain story time gsdfdsfsdfsd ill put em all under a read more. tws for a couple vague mentions of blood, some unsanitary kinda stuff, menstruation, brief mention of surgery (not in any detail) and some detailed descriptions of a whole lotta pain.

okay so in remembering all my pain stories, ive remembered quite a few injuries i got when i was little, that i dont really remember the pain of, i just remember that it was painful, including

falling (with extra momentum) and splitting my gum open on cobblestones

getting smashed in the face with a dodgeball

that time i got a throat infection so bad that breathing hurt and i sat in the school office for several hours before my mum picked me up

falling off monkey bars, landing on my butt and being so winded that i couldn’t speak for ten minutes

being pulled over by my nana’s dog, landing on my shoulder and yet again being winded, this time so bad that i couldn’t breathe in for about ten seconds and for those ten seconds i genuinely thought i might die

that time i got a bladder infection - i remember writhing in pain in the backseat of my mum’s car as she drove me to A&E but i don’t really actually remember the pain

the chronic stomachaches i would have that i recently realised might be connected to my possible lactose intolerance/sensitivity and the fact that i pretty much only drank milk as a child (can you guess how the bladder infection happened)

with doing pole, i constantly get covered in bruises and such and a lot of moves cause some low-level pain but that’s because of the grip - the pain is mostly due to like, the pulling on the skin and its never really more than a few bruises and some tender skin on the thighs (except for that time where i somehow tore the skin of my thigh... underneath the top layer of skin fsdsadsa). the closest i’ve gotten to a proper pole injury is falling out of a duchess onto my arse and being a little more bruised that usual, and the several times in the past couple months that i’ve smashed my head into the pole whilst doing a flying cat at full power.

and honestly pole has done a lot for my pain threshold. it’s like, i notice the pain is there, but it doesn’t bother me because i’ve felt it so often. and its also because i know that the pain of keeping this grip is way way less than the pain that i will feel if i let go sdfsdfsdfsd i find myself with so many small bruises now that i know aren’t from pole because of the position of them but i cant think where i got them - because they’re probably from bumping into things and that pain is so small and common to me that i immediately forget about it

on the other hand i also have. really bad hips. and sometimes when im just moving, ill catch a nerve and a shot of pain will go through my entire leg and that shit hurts. ive noticed it most commonly happens if i twist when im stepping somewhere but i dont turn the leg thats planted. i was also once balancing on one leg whilst putting a sock on and my hip just. popped out. and i think it immediately went back but i couldnt properly move that leg for ten minutes and i was in a fair bit of pain

my worst pain experiences though... hoo boy. i kinda narrowed them down to three.

im afab and i have periods so of course i gotta deal with cramps every so often, and they can get pretty bad - just like, doubled over, seeking out anything warm to put on my stomach. i’d say about a 5 on the pain scale. but after my gsce exams (exams that uk kids take in year 11 which is the equivalent of sophomore year of high school. they’re the first exams you take that you get an actual qualification from) i didnt have my period for 3 months. and if im late on my period, my cramps get bad. so on the 17th august, a week before my 16th birthday, ya boy was in fucking agony and for some reason in my brain i was also vehemently against taking any painkillers. eventually my nana convinced me to take one of her morphine tablets though and i felt way better hdfgdsff

theres also the time last november when i got an ear infection. earlier that day i had had a massive nosebleed that lasted for about 20 minutes and made me feel super woozy, so along with all the shit that came with dealing with that (i had to go to A&E to get checked out) it was already a pretty rough day. and then that evening my ear started hurting real bad and it just progressively got worse, and i hardly slept that night at all. i was in pure agony by like. 1am and it lasted the entirety of the night, no matter that i took painkillers. the only reprieve i got was at one point, i was watching yt videos and an ad for headspace came on, and i listened along to the meditation thingy it was doing, but of course once the ad was over, the pain was back full force and i could do nothing but cry (so of course i started to get a headache on top of all of it). thankfully once i got to the doctors the next day and got some antibiotics, it cleared up super fast. i was also talking to darkwarf (i wont tag him so he doesnt have to read this fdsffds) and funnily enough our talks that night were what birthed his character teddy.

and then what i think is officially the worst pain ive ever been in, was the first time i got my tailbone infection. me and my mum went on a coach to a roller derby game and at the end of the day my tailbone was aching quite a bit, as if i’d bruised it. i brushed it off as just being the fact that i had sat in shitty coach seats for several hours, then uncomfortable plastic chairs for more hours, then shitty coach seats again. the next day though. ya boi was in agony again. i could not find any way to be comfortable - the closest i could get to comfort was standing. every movement of my hips was pure pain and i couldnt walk properly. the pain was so bad i just could not put one foot in front of the other and i ended up walking by essentially swiveling on each foot and keeping my hips as still as possible. the worst part was when my mum drove me to the walk in centre - although i knew that i was going to where i would be helped, the car. oh, the car. somethign about that seat - and since this infection has recurred several times, i know it is a feature of all car seats - maybe it was the angle, or whatever, but it was pure agony to sit in. i spent the whole car ride with my arm on the car door and my other hand on the car seat, holding myself up to make it not so bad, but with every bump of the car, pain was fucken. shooting through me. it would take me like 10 full seconds to lower myself into a chair or push myself out of one. sleeping was awful cause i sleep on my side and i turn quite a few times before i can get to sleep - and of course turning with my hips how they were was incredibly painful. im not very vocal when it comes to pain but this thing had me yelping and everything. plus the antibiotics i had to take were fucking miserable. they tasted absolutely disgusting and i had to have them 4 times a day on an empty stomach (no food 2 hours before or 1 hour after) for 2 week and it was awful. this bastard is also recurring. the last time it got super bad was funnily enough about a week after my ear infection. honestly yall. late nov-dec 2018 was the worst fucken time for my physical health. but actually! in 2020 i am hopefully getting a surgery to stop the infections once and for all! but with the way the NHS is going, honestly who fucking knows. i do know that i will hunt down and kill boris johnson if he stops me getting this surgery.

#angelii-ii #lee talks #i mean damn yeah i fucken #talked there huh #when ive verbally recounted that infection i have teared up because the memory of the pain is that fucken bad gfdsfdsfs #also the read more better fucken work this time #dont wanna curse my mobile followers gsdfdsfdsfsd #long post

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whatshehassaid · 5 years

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I honestly cannot believe it’s been a year since I had emergency surgery. At the time it was happening so fucking fast and they were plying me with IVs and antibiotics and steroids and morphine trying to stop the sepsis from getting worse than it was (yeah, I know right? My grandmother literally died from sepsis by the way)... I think in total I was in the hospital for like, a month on and off ‘cause I was in so much pain I couldn’t even eat. I kept having to call ambulances to come bring me in and the last time was a damn nightmare.

That was when they realized I was in septic shock. I had a PIC line (my second one in a month) inserted the last time I was in the hospital so that I could receive antibiotics (they thought I had an abscess in the wall of my small intestine, honestly still not sure if that was what it was... It may have been what caused the septic shock)... So I was legitimately bed ridden and I felt like.... I was dying essentially. I went to take a shower to help with the pain (which was a bad idea) ‘cause I ended up blacking out and almost fainting in the shower and then getting sick (and it would NOT stop). Had to call an ambulance... Paramedics were trying to get my heart rate AND put an IV in the opposite arm so that they could give me something for the nausea... but I kept puking everywhere. It took them like 10 tries to get an IV in (I have really small veins that roll)... the puking stopped.... I think an hour after I got to the hospital. They had to give me constant morphine because the pain was so bad it was causing the nausea.

Then they tell me (I barely remember, I was half out of it at this point) that they’re going to have to do emergency surgery (which I’d been dreading) and they couldn’t do a laparoscopic surgery cause it was in a scary place near blood vessels and major organs.... so lucky me had to go in blind without knowing how much was going to be taken out, didn’t know if I was going to wake up with a colostomy bag (jesus christ, that was terrifying lemme tell you - luckily that DIDN’T happen). I’d actually never had major surgery before (amazingly) so my anxiety was spiking crazy, panic attacks and abdominal pain don’t mix by the way.

GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT? I wake up in the recovery room... and my epidural had slipped. This was 20 minutes after they had finished cutting me open from above my belly button to my pelvic bone and removed 22 inches of intestine (ew, gross I know). I could feel EVERYTHING.

The doctor had to come in (I was laying on my back, obviously) and ROLL ME RIGHT AFTER I’D BEEN CUT OPEN..... (That was the WORST pain I’d ever felt in my life..) so that he could readjust the epidural in my lower back. I actually started convulsing from the pain and I... was already sobbing pretty hard. (Pretty sure if I ever have children it won’t be as painful as that was).

THEN, I started having issues with the drain they put in during surgery. (I know, gross, get over it)... It was causing even MORE pain.. (I was already on my max dose for morphine and it was still 20 on the pain scale)... They ended up having to take it out early cause it was causing my abdominal muscles to convulse which in turn pulled on the staples/stitches. THEN (yeah I’m not done, it gets worse) because I was on steroids not long before the surgery, my body wasn’t healing properly (it’s about to get really gross right now be warned) They had to remove the bottom 7 staples because... leaking. The wound was healing over on the surface but it was tunneling underneath and because they had to take the bottom staples out I had a silver dollar sized (or maybe even bigger) hold in my stomach which tunneled underneath the whole wound and ended up having to be stuffed (with uh, I think it was like... gauze that was infused with silver or something to dry out the wound so it would heal?) I’m talking like, 8 inches. During ALL of that I had to start walking again or I’d get pneumonia.

If you didn’t already know, when you have a fresh wound that’s like, 8 inches long and you have to roll over and sit up and then WALK.... it’s not fun.

I was in the hospital for longer than I should have been apparently... and then when I finally was able to get home I still had the tunneling wound so for the next 4-6 months I was pretty well bedridden because it hurt like a bitch. Nurses had to come to change the dressings.... I could barely walk... it was a whole fucking nightmare.

I never wanna go through that again... and the fact now that I have the ugliest scar I have ever seen (they really did me no favors) just.... pains me even more.

So, yeah. If y’all wanted to know what the past year of my life was like minus the depression, anxiety and fibromyalgia....

#chronic illness #crohn's disease #surgery #tmi #surgery tw #gore tw #long post ts #personal #hey lemme rant about the hell I went through I think I deserve it

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lenin-it-to-win-it · 5 years

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just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)”

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class”

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!!

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

#vent #rant #i sincerely doubt anyone will read to the end of this but whomst knows #besides it feels nice to just scream

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missjackil · 5 years

Text

My 14x13 Opinion

Lebanon The 300th Episode

I am so proud of this episode and so blown away by how awesome these last 4 episodes have been! Might be an unpopular opinion guys but I really like this season! Sure its had some duds like Optimism and The Scar (Though The Scar had a great broment) but I thought we’d be getting Leader!Sam this season but we have emotionally wrecked!Sam instead, and Im here for that! Needless to say I LOVED this episode, I was so pleased with pretty much everything and I have no big complaints, so lets have at it! I enjoyed the lightness of the beginning, and getting a look at the town. Im so pleased they FINALLY noted that Lebanon KS is the geographical center of the country! So the boys can get anywhere in the country within a day and a half. Its kinda weird though that Lebanon seems to have 3 different post offices. The one from Something About Mary, the one from The Spear, and now this one. LOL thats no big deal so lets move along.

It was funny that the dude in the pawn shop committed suicide by Winchester, which of course is trying to, or successfully killing one gets you killed by the other, and Dean acknowledges that they all talk too much LOL.

The kids talking about the rumors about the boys was fun but I really wasnt impressed by “cool chick” Max. I liked the boy in the hat though, he was great. Stealing Baby is also suicide by Winchester but Sam and Dean dont go around killing teenagers so, they got lucky.

I was amuzed by the ghost of John Wayne Gacey clown, and Dean being all “You love serial killers but hate clowns!” and Sam being like “I get it Dean” but Im really glad they didnt make Sam act like he was scared like the other times before. It just wouldnt have fit well into this episode I dont think. Saving Dean is more urgent than a clown fear right?

Moving on to the meat, and this was as meaty as an episode can get! Dad comes because Dean makes a wish. It seems Dean’s desire to have his family together is more of a desire than getting ole Mike out of his head, and thats really pretty sweet. Dad recognizes the boys right away, which is cool especially since Sam looks NOTHING like he did back in 05, let alone 03 but John says “What happened to you?” I reckon they aged 15+ yrs Pops!

The boys give Dad the nutshell version of their lives over shots of whiskey, because, how else could you do it? But man, John’s face when he hears Mary’s voice was amazing! And I dont even like Mary but, good lord if she didnt nail these scenes! My hear crumbled, their reunion kiss was completely believable even though we never saw them kiss on the show before. I saw some of you whine that John didnt ask permission first... really? I could see if they were gonna have sex, but when does anyone on TV ever ask to kiss someone?? Not very often. It was by far the most romantic thing Ive ever seen on this show,

Like typical Winchesters, Dean is sucked into whats right before him and Sam is worried about the big picture. But Sam doesnt lean too hard on Dean about it, lets all have the nice family dinner we’ve never had.

While compiling a shopping list with Mom, Dean leaves Sam alone with Dad. This scene was .... WOW... so well written and brilliantly acted. I had been wondering how Sam and John would hash things out and this was so much better than I invisioned. Its so in character for the Sam we have watched grow over the last 14 years to get over the bad and focus on the good, because those you love can be taken away in a heartbeat and being left with hard feelings is the worst. All he can think of is seeing Dad dead on the floor and he never got to say goodbye. and he never got to smooth things over. Sams emotions were raw and real! Jared really let Sam feel it, all the regret and anger and loneliness, melts away and turns into “but you loved us.... and thats enough” It was so refreshing to get so much emotional POV from Sam. Something we;ve gotten more of this season than we ever have. It hurts like a mother... but its worth it.

After the heart shattering talk, Sam composes himself and tells Dean hes right. This was a good thing even if its jut temporary. He asks Dean if he wants company for shopping, and this is like Sam wanting to hold on to his rock (Dean). This is precious.

The boys leave Mom and Dad alone, and go shopping. Now we discover that the timeline has shifted and they have alternate selves. Dean is a wanted criminal and Sam, omg lol Sam is flaming TED talking douchebag that wears turtlenecks, loves Kale, doesnt drink coffee, and doesnt see the need for hobbies or family. But, I gotta say hes lovely in glasses 😎

This inevitably means that not only will Mom disappear, but the boys wont have the relationship they do, and we know, thats a fate worse than the universe exploding. Meanwhile we get a guest appearance by Zachariah and Cas, and Cas is back to S4-ish Cas and possibly even more of a dick. Sam and Dean find them as theyre about to kill the teenagers from earlier and save them. Cas of course doesnt know them from Adam but Zach does. A fight ensues and I just have to state very clearly that Dean went after cas with the angel blade with no second thoughts. Zach attacks Sam and tries to kill him, but Sam kills him instead. Now thats poetic to have been killed by both Winchesters at different times!

Now Cas is trying to kil Sam, which as we know, never goes over well with Dean, but Cas really nails Sam HARD in the face and Sam spews blood all over! That was pretty graphic and dramatic! Well full strength douchebag angel or not, Dean doesnt let you beat on Sam. so heattacks Cas, and Cas is about to kill Dean. There is no “Cas its me!! Fight this!! I love you!!” like all the hellers wanted and predicted LMAO instead Sam writes a sigil with his blood and zaps Cas away.

Back at home, yet another highly emotional scene as Sam tells Mom why they have to let Dad go... she would just fade away and they would become their “other” selves. Mary cries real tears. and Sam overflows again. God my heart!! Dean talks to Dad and Dad is more than willing to lay his life down for Mom. They all sit solomly at the dinner table. Oddly enough Sam is the only one eating, and Im sure theres meta in there somewhere.... all I can think of at the moment is that hes distracting himself from the painful slence, and hes the only one who never really had Winchester Surprise. John decides to lighten the mood and be grateful for this time, and they all follow suit. And it was glorious!! My boys laughing and eating and enjoying themselves with mom and dad, I just dont know what words to give this scene!

Afterwards, Sam and Dean are washing dishes together #husbros and they briefly discuss keeping it the way it is. I mean really.... Mom may disappear and they wont be insanely co-dependent, but Michael wont be in Dean’s head anymore, because nothing leading up to it would have ever happened. Dean says hes good with who he is, and hes good with who Sam is, and hes just too old to want to change it.

The farewell scene was nothing less than earth shattering painful. Dean was surprisingly calm and stoic, though he had many tears. It was as if on purpose, he let Sam and Mom have all the emotions. John hugs his sons one last time. and tells them he’s so proud of them, Poor Sam is gutted. He cant even pretend he isnt crying. Dad tells them he loves them. Dean says he loves him too. Sam cant get words out so he wipes his face and nods. In a beautiful paralell from the old days when John told Dean “Take care of Sammy” and Dean answers “I always do” John says “Take care of each other” and Sam answers “We always do”😭😭😭😭😭😭John takes Mary’s hand and Sam in obvious pain crushes the pearl and Dad fades away. He wakes up in Baby back in 2003 believing he had a good dream.

Now we have to wait a freakin month for the next episode. But Ill be ok. I think I need a break from all the emotions of the last several episodes because the next couple will probably be less dramatic. This is ok, if every episode was this emotional, even that would get old fast. We only have 7 episodes left and I dont want to rush to the end of the season for a freakin 6 month hiatus!! AGGGHHHHH!!

Overall I am in love with this episode. It may have moved itself into first place but it has at least tied. This episode definitely met and exceeded my expectations, and last week I thought it wouldnt be able to beat that one. Im so proud of SPN, the writers, and the cast of this episode Ill give them all a standing ovation 👏👏👏👏👍💖 I think its abundantly clear now that Dabb DOES care about the brother bond and doesnt give a rats ass about dean/cas in fact it looks as if the next few episodes might be Dean lite... but we never really know till we watch the episodes.

In conclusion. on a scale from Bloodlines to Who We Are, Lebanon is a 10. Well done show.... well done! Now onward to the 400th episode!!

#14x13 spoilers #spn 300 spoilers #best episode ever

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