OMG YOU SAYING KYLE WAS LOOKING FOR HIS RAVEN WAS SOOO CUTE I WANTED TO CRRYYYY😭😭😭😭 omg we always ask u sm ab him finding out ab stan I DIDNT EVEN THINK AB HOW CUTE HED BE BEFORE HE KNOWS AB STAN AND JUST LIKES RAVEN FOR WHO HE IS😭😭 BC OF COURSE KYLE WOULD LIKE RAVEN BEFORE HE KNOWS ITS STAN THEYRE SOULMATES AND FUCKIGN ADORABLE
no...because, when i tell you that of all the sun and moon boy phases, devHellopments & outrageous stages of Ravesey's RealHat(e)ionship
( this includes the pre!rm!flashback and post!rm!ravesey!hating, which is reeeally saying a lot bc i am obsessed with those sections... )
my favorite part of RM is watching ravenstan go from 'crow' or that cocky bleach blonde bastard, tmz bad boy and asshole lead singer raven tiny pants no last name of crimson yawn/harlot sunslut to Just Raven ( i think the 'corbeau' nickname develops here ) to...His Raven.
from jersey's POV, ofc, who is an unreliable narrator because of his mental instability/all the post traumatic stress/sedative medication he's on, but also because his fear of emotional intimacy means that this section is The Jersey Kyle Having A Fat Crush On Raven Phase except kyle is completely in denial abt it...tho it's Pretty Obvious.
-- to everyone But him, naturally. ;)
***this is a long post, my apologies in advance, darlings.
if our re(memory) serves us right, we might recall that for The Hate, ravenstan gave jerseykyle his personal phone number and that is pretty important because they have...Frequent Text Conversations.
not like...That, you guys! they are friendly or the closest kyle can get to being friendly/casual ( which, is all an act of course, and a very badly rehearsed one bc kyle is internally screaming the whole time. ) So, my friends and contemporaries, I will say that, similar to Pep!Kyle, Jersey does also type in complete sentences and use perfect grammar. He is a robot. Beep boop. and ravenstan, like pep!stan, does type like he's being chased by zombies allsklike this lmaooos!
however, despite the eye n brainsore that is having to decode raven's mindblowingly misspelled, emoji-ridden text messages from hell, jersey kyle...does feel alight with joy every single time he gets one.
ravenstan sends the Dumbest things too like, kyle while grabbing something from the back at grounded on the clock, will hear his phone chime ( he forgot to turn it off, yaknow, bc hes forgetting shit ) and his eyes will light up because he thinks it's raven texting him. and he's distracted like his entire shift and is almost burning himself with the big scary coffee machines because all he can think about is how badly he wants to check his phone ( WHICH IS CRAZY IF YOU THINK ABOUT HOW ADVERSE JERSEY IS TO TECHNOLOGY )
so when his break comes around, he literally SPRINTS!!! to the break room to go check his phone, which DIES!!! so he has to plug it in and wait five minutes...only to find that the text message was just one of those credit card scams, BUT THEN!!!! right before he's about to toss his phone back into his bag & scream loudly into his hands...
...bc what the fuck Why Was He Waiting For Raven's Text Message??? ( emphasis on mess ), kyle's phone chimes ang raven sends him 'this u' and its a super blurry picture of a super tall, bushy tree with an out of focus tan-raven-hand peeking out of the corner of it, which you can tell is his because of all the silver hot-topic rings.
the tree was mostly irrelevant to kyle, because he does think raven has pretty hands and was staring at them and NOT the part of the picture he was supposed to be staring which...when he realized that he was like aaaaahhhh! fuck! and Literally Spent His Entire Break googling pictures of trees so he could send one where the leaves were all yellow/dying so he could faux-a(pathetically) text raven back "Haha. Very funny, asshole. This is you, Blondie. Bad roots and all."
and sat there refreshing his phone, five whole minutes late to clocking back in because he was waiting for raven's response ( overthinking it so hard like -- oh god, was that too mean? nice? oh god, what if he thought that was lame? how do u unsend-- ) who just sent back 'lmaaaaosojdsods jajaja' w/ the laughing crying emoji.
...and let me just say that kyle could not even Hear his supervisor yelling at him to get back to work because he was just admiring raven's lame ass reply, feeling a huge surge of pride swell in his chest.
speaking of things swelling in his chest, namely his cold black heart, kyle does feel it literally skip a beat everytime raven sends him something like 'i saw this and i thought of you! <3' kyle thinks that's so nice, his lovely boy truly <3333 who jersey will find any reason to text like sometimes he's literally down so bad that he started giving ravenstan upHates on how suzie is growing.
for example, once kyle texted him ( trying to be chill ):
"Well, she's still alive...I guess."
w/ a picture of her and kyle flipping off the camera n raven texts back a golden retriever boy 'omgomogm shes so tall & red now! looks like her dad more n more everyday lmaoaoa!!! so pretty! ur doing such a good job with her! i knew you would <333' which...okay one praise kink kyle brain go burr bad kyle...but also a heart emoji?
that made him Blush!!!! so naturally he's gotta send back
"Whatever. Fuck off now. Stay tuned next week when I kill her and send you a picture of her CORPSE."
...then his heart hurts because he knows that is going to make raven sad and stressed out and god forbid he start Crying so kyle amends his original Hatement to "Yeah, whatever. Stay tuned next week."
which is worth it because stan sends back:
'looking 4ward 2 it xx'
GAAAAAAAYYYYY
so ky sends raven suzie upHates & curb upHates...raven sends back a lot of excited emojis: he Frequently requests curb pics. on a more frequent and serious note tho, they do ask each other how they're doing a lot. sometimes raven sends 'ugh, sorz 4 the late response. suuuper late day in the studio today. sooo exhausted ://'
kyle literally frowning at his phone!! hes so :(((( his baby whos Naught his baby!!!! he wants to respond so bad/be like rlly overprotective and worried and shit, but he has to be Aloof And Cool and Uninterested so he literally waits like ten minutes exactly to respond just to say 'That sucks, dude. I'm sorry they have you working so late. Don't worry about the late response. I hope your night gets better."
i???? HOPE???? YOUR NIGHT??? GETS BETTER???? LIKE!!! HELLO!! OKAY WHORE!!!! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NEXT!!!! ASK TO HOLD HIS HAND AND KISS HIM ON THE LIPS??? SHUT UPPPPP
raven and kyle also do send good morning/good night texts sometimes omg ( the first voice message on kyles phone is raven singing 'kyyyyleeee broflooovski, get ur ass up and go to school~" which was the most beautiful sound in the world to him aaaa he literally almost wanted to make it the alarm on his phone ( hes down so bad i am in pain ) but blonde squad would give him shit abt it.
they do...ofc...give him SO much shit about it. because kyle broflovski, who literally only used his phone to make necessary phone calls or check his bank statements, during the secret crush yearning phase, was GLUED to his phone, smiling and giggling omg. and they know who it is but that doesn’t stop bebe going 'who're you sextin', kylie? ;)" like the most annoying little sister in the world smh and kyle is just like 'Your Dad, Barbara. Fuck Awhff."
when blonde squad + kyle and craig are hanging out and kyles NOT on his phone, sometimes he's like nervously looking around and craigs like 'what's his deal?' and marjorine is like 'he's waitin for his lil ol band boy-boyfriend to text him back' aND KYLE IS LIKE HES NOT MY BOYFRIEND AND I DON'T CARE IF HE TEXTS ME!!!
then his phone dings and kyle LUNGES for it because oh my god It’s Raven and its just tweek sending him 'SIMP!' in all caps SMHHH they got his ass oh my god...LISTEN GUYS!!! MEN WHO GO TO WAR & DIE HAVE BEEN LESS DEEP IN THE TRENCHES THAN KYLE!!!!
who...oh my god, once he develops the raven crush...ends his manwhore era? LIKE HELLO????? because he literally isn't turning the blondies house into a brothel of dumb disposable for the streets one night stand men bc he is up all night texting raven in the cd hoodie he left, knees to his chest, smiling at his phone.
which!!!!!! it's not just texts tbh!!! the worst part about stan's death was that kyle had virtually ( literally ) no pictures of him other than the polaroids, school pictures, the newspaper clippings of his death. but raven of crimson dawn...HIS DIGITAL EMO BOY DOC MARTEN COMBAT BOOT SHAPED FOOTPRINT IS HUGE OMG!!!! there is so much raven content on the internet both commercialized and fanmade, like there are so many pictures and videos of raven.
and jersey...does fall down The Raven Rabbit Hole...smh.
he is in class watching crimson music videos, grades slipping, he's at home in his room watching interviews ( but not even for the parts where he's being sexy and cool -- he's watching them for that five seconds where raven laughes or drops something and swears really loudly and aggressively in spanish and then goes 'fuck! i'm sorry' and then is like 'wait, Shit, i said it again' 'oh FUCK i--can you edit this out please?' and hes so embarrassed omg kyle is like cutecuteCUTE )
on a down horrendous note, raven does upload a lot of videos of him doing toolshed!stan things where he fixes up crim, his motorcycle, and sometimes is on live just working on her answering questions aaa smh THE AMOUNT OF TIMES KYLE HAS WATCHED THE RAVEN OF CRIMSON DAWN TATTOO TOUR VIDEO????? specifically this one part where raven pRETENDS TO LIFT HIS SHIRT UP? and then is like woops ;) just kidding. that's a secret <3 AND KYLE FALLS FOR IT EVERYTIME!!!!! WHEN I TELL YOU HE WAS REWINDIN!
kyle....needs to go to horny boy AND SIMP JAIL!!!! RN!!!
okay, last thing about the simp era and texting is that even tho there's a ton of pictures of raven on the internet, hes...moderately possessive im so sorry, so when he gets pictures of raven that raven just sent to him and no one else has...he is like Feral omg.
( theres also a nsfw hc abt this but again, more on that later smh... )
but they're the most cryptid pictures ever of him like in a face mask or like crying bc someone let him pet their dog and took a picture of him w/ them, or omfg, like ravenstan being like ew management sent these pants over but they make my legs look really weird idk ( this is not bait btw he literally is just self concious ) what do you think and kyle is trying to fight the urge to send BARK BARK BARK WOOGA AWOOGA shdlkshds lmaooo and is like 'They're just pants. Get over it. You look fine." then is like fUCK AAA. 'Your PANTS look fine.'
-- but yeah...simp kyle...i love you.
my fave versions of jersey are simp jersey and slut jersey.
OKAY GUYS, i'm actually done now, i just really wanted to show y'all the Raven of Crimson Dawn vs. 'My Raven thing is extremely real bc
because there is a vapid, airheaded celebrity boy who does whatever management tells him, has no original thoughts, is constantly wasted and on some fuck shit, a total degenerate, bag of wet bleached hair, a corporate manwhorbrat sellout who is nothing but trouble aka lead singer of crimson dawn raven too tight pants no last name lip ring
aaaaaaaaaaaand there is a sweet, lovely boy who holds the door open for fifteen minutes because he wants to make sure everyone gets inside safely, swears really loud in spanish when he drops something as little as a plastic fork, knows the scientific name of like every plant and also has stupid little names for all of them, sings to them every morning and every night, has adhd but remembers kyles crazy class schedule, always asks if he's eaten or drank water, was voted people magazines sexiest man alive and thinks hes absolutely hideous in every conceivable way, cries and dyes his hair frequently, bites his lip when nervous, is super lame, believe in true destiny, fate and true love, loves with his whole soft, marshmallow heart, and that is...
...His Raven. :')
-uncle nina who may have a Branch in her eye ;-;;; </3
p.s. last last last thing, liking raven does also make kyles ptsd really really bad so like stan is causing the episodes, but then where jersey would usually whip out a cigarette, he just texts stan or watches a video of him laughing or something and puts the box down AAAA
( he do be watching those Raven Of Crimson Dawn Being Cute For Fifteen Minutes Complications on youtube...smh...SIMP!!!!! )
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