#i lost a part of myself when we seperated

[katandsquad]

.

#today was hard #today is my moms death anniversary #i miss her #i was shopping with my boyfriend because a colleague of mine is turning 32 on saturday and i wanted to get her gift #the shopping was stressfull as hell #and just now I was on tiktok and saw a video where a guy asked "if you had 5 minutes left to live #whith which person would you wanna spend them #the only person on my mind was my ex bestie #i miss them and i hate them #i dont wanna see them ever again because they hurt me so so much #but i just want to get a hug from them #i will never someone like that ever again #they were everything to me #i loved so much #no one will ever come close to that again #i lost a part of myself when we seperated #i have been happier since we went no contact #i actually have proper happy times now but when the bad times come #they are even worse than before #i just want to scream. i just want to hug them. slap them. yell at them. kiss them #they were my one true love. even if it was only platonic

[commonghost]

100 Epitaphs thoughts!

Alright, so like I said yesterday, I unfortunately did NOT have the time to write out all my thoughts and had to wait until tonight to do so. No particular order to these, it's word vomit time.

(warning: this is LONG. it's not even all my thoughts. i cut myself off at parts. this song is so good guys.)

1) YURA AS THE SUN!

I'VE BEEN FUCKING SAYING AND IT KEEPS BEING THERE AND I KEEP GOING INSANE ABOUT IT. especially in conjunction with the fact that, yknow, the sun hurts sanya. the icarus symbology is THERE it is PRESENT i KNOW this is gonna down that awfully (sanya please dont die. but also that would be the perfect resolution. GOD) and i'm so ready for it.

ALSO: "ready to be blinded by the breaking day" -> "the visionless (sergei) leading the blind (sanya)", and we know she's got bad eyesight. doesn't mean it couldn't get worse. the lines "loose compromise / where the sun won't set / as long as i can set the stage" are also interesting wrt yura-as-the-sun, as you can take it both as sanya saying that as long as she has any kind of control she will stick with yura and help him in whatever insane plan he's got going on, but it's also her saying that she will always, always make the choice to put herself in danger.

yura is the bright relentless sun, and sanya's got very sensitive wings.

2) the parallels between sergei and sanya!!!!

i think what really fucks me up about them is that, at their core, both of them just want to keep the people they care about the most safe. for sergei, that's sanya (and olga, but she's a grown woman who makes her own decisions while sanya's his little sister and also his only remaining family, so it's different), and for sanya it's yura (who, to her, represents freedom—"but the wiser you is [FREE]"—and an escape from her current life, which is everything she dreams of.) and it absolutely ruins their relationship!!!! and it ruins me!! every time!!!!

and on that note, "the tepid autumn day is starting to thaw" is 1. a genius a callback ("a thousand years ago it was a tepid autumn day" + "a day will come warm and bright when i tear down these dismal shelter walls"), and 2. a signifier that shit is about to Get Real. even if you don't read the explanation in the doc, we still understand that the action is going to pick up like crazy very soon. i believe someone also mentioned how it could represent sergei and sanya's relationship going downhill, although im not the expert on that so i wont do more than mention it.

3) this was SUCH a good dive into sanya's character.

honestly her songs have consistently been my favorite of the lot and i think it's because her personality and her character are just. perfect for these kinds of character studies.

this entire song is at once her forcibly entering herself into the narrative after being so completely seperate from it for like, the entire series up to now (there were some very good posts by some very skilled people on this exact topic but alas i have lost the links to it, if anyone has them lmk) and ALSO an exploration of her trauma (almost everyone she knows seemingly dying on her or disappearing from her life in another sense) in such a fascinating way.

there is such a depth to all her actions here and the song explains why she clings on to yura as much as she does, and it's because he's (along with sergei, but she resents him for isolating her) all she has left, really! of course, there are the BG gang, but they aren't as involved in the story and sanya doesn't seem to be as close with them as she was with yura. it also gives another dimension to her wanting to join in rescuing KT: this isn't just her wanting to rebel and/or do something with her life (both of those things already being associated with anya & yura respectively) but her having the chance to get someone she cared about back into her life after they were taken from her. of course she'd want that, after a lifetime of losing people.

a bit of an extension to that last point, i think it's also really incredible how ferry manages to portray how complicated sanya's relationship with yura is. i find these two shots in particular ->

<- really interesting, because they are actually really similar! i think it's a great way of showing how sanya is both angry and resentful of some of yura's worst traits and refuses to stand for them, but that they are still at the end of it all friends who have fun together. they're just kids who have no idea what they're getting into! if you look closely at the second one, she's shushing him for being too loud. (hell, i'd be willing to bet that she probably felt similar to how she felt before yura snuck her out to her first party right then.)

her (budding) dynamic with dima is also quite fascinating, and manages to say so much about her, her thoughts about KT, and dima all at once. it's just masterful. her segment with him displays:

the fact that she deeply cares about KT, and wants this to go as perfectly as possible, even going so far as to put herself in more danger than necessary.

her absolute determination to get this done, even though she knows she won't make it out unscathed ("i'm aware no soul can enter / roam its halls / and come out clean")

her feelings about her family and how she perceives herself and the legacy she has been given ("and it's like that / and i'm like that / and i'll always bear this stone")

dima feeling actual empathy after meeting another mutant! poor guy has no idea what's going on. but i think it's a really important step in his character and might even get him to actually open up.

i need to stop with this section before it takes over the whole post.

4) KATA-FUCKING-BASIS! (and eurydice!)

(thank you light for teaching me that word)

not much to say about this one but the descent-into-the-underworld vibes are off the fucking charts! we got death imagery with katya already with THIS:

and so, in a way… whoever makes the trip to the facility? to retrieve katya? the metaphorically dead girl? that's a trip to the underworld, baby! that's katabasis!

and you know who else goes through katabasis to retrieve a girl from the underworld and bring her back out?

that's right!

ORPHEUS!

which. like. we already kind of knew it, but.

this plan isn't gonna work out well, is it.

#pafl #parties are for losers

[caus34concern]

i don't think i've seen people talk about jeremy's practically unhealthy idolization with christine and so i will talk about it myself because he is just like me .

since more than survive is literally just jeremy's brain, jeremy basically portrays christine to be this perfect girl who is the center of attention. she's always in the spotlight in his eyes, whenever she walks in, the music switches to a theme jeremy has specifically catered towards her. near the end, when jeremy sees her signing up for the play, he sees it as everyone surrounding and supporting christine because in his eyes, everyone loves her. but the truth is, they don't. there's the part in more than survive where jeremy is getting caught up in his head trying to figure out whether he should walk to school or take the bus, and in those moments where he's lost in thought, the others start entering what we can only assume is the bus and christine is shown being pushed around in the background by chloe and then rich respectively. she always has her head shoved in her book and no one really notices her until jeremy notices her because.. she's an outcast! she's probably a "loser" to everyone else too. she isn't popular or anything and it's not like she has any friend/s (or at least she wasn't shown to have any) like jeremy does. the only people who she really had a friendship with throughout the show are jeremy and jake and mind you, those two were literally trying to date her sooo...

jeremy's always had her up on this pedestal, believing she was too far away from him. that was until the halloween party. when jeremy found her all alone on the couch. without jake. and when she starts talking about her problems then he realizes in that moment "oh, she actually isn't all that perfect. she's here alone despite being at a party just like me. she isn't this flawless girl i envisioned." he realizes that he doesn't need to put her on a pedestal because they're not actually all that different. the only reason she was so hard to reach for him was because he kept believing that she was. which was why in that moment, when he felt so close to her (literally and figuratively), he confessed. (and honestly am i the only one who thinks that was kinda insensitive of him considering the fact she just poured her heart out about breaking up with jake)

and then there's that backstage scene with the two of them where jeremy is trying to get christine to take a squip, and he goes back to his "christine is too far to reach mindset" but instead of putting christine on a pedestal, he puts HIMSELF on a pedestal (because of the squip). he realizes christine isn't perfect, and it kinda makes him go "huh. christine is a loser like me. maybe i can 'fix' her."

i'd also like to say i think christine and jeremy are a good example of "two sides of the same coin." they're both going through the same thing. they're losers, outcasts, not popular, go unnoticed. they just deal with it differently and prioritize different things. jeremy prioritizes being cool and fitting in. he takes being an outcast to heart and believes there's something wrong with him while christine prioritizes being herself. like, yeah, she still wants to fit in but she wants to be herself more than anything. she believes that if people don't like her for her then they're not worth it. extra thing to mention is that they both change for the people they like (christine changing for jake, jeremy changing for christine)

i honestly don't know if any of this makes sense but WHATEVER! i love stagedorks both together and as their own seperate characters and they are so so important to me

#be more chill #bmc #jeremy heere #christine canigula #stagedorks #oh my god they make me so sad #jeremy heere you are just like MEEE #cause for rambles

[rin-and-jade]

Okay, so we've tried several times to write an ask, and each time we just..stop ?? So this time instead of explaining in detail n shit and saying how much we're sorry if this isn't appropriate to ask, I'm just gonna write :/

So, we're kind of stuck, in the sense that idk if I'm/we're(both pronouns feel wrong lol) a system anymore and,wdk what to do about it.

Because basically 5-6 years ago, when we were around 10(i think, but at this point i only know the story through the "telephone" of our retellings) our brain tried to just.. get rid of most of the DID. I'm not even ducking kidding, i think it tried to lower barriers and smush most of us together, to the best of it's ability. From what I've gathered, it planned on shoving all our trauma deep down in the innerworlds, and hiding them from the main kid. Like, getting rid of thousands of fragments, banking them in little crevices of our brain etc.

That procedure was supposed to make it so the main kid could have more of their life for them- without access or even knowledge of the sheer size of the abyss and pain in background, and thus being less affected by it till they were old enough to deal with it. Idk how to explain really, especially since i myself barely understand.

In any case, it went wrong. I don't know why much, as our memory has increasingly deteriorated since to the point i have nearly no knowledge left. I'm not sure even all that ever happened, because maybe I'm just inventing stuff and creating a story were there is none, and I'm scared that what i know isn't real and just my imagination or smth

And what's left is..me i guess. I kinda feel like a fragment in the sense that i have limited consciousness and just..person-space(if that makes sense ?) I'm not sure if I'm several people, one person, an eldritch entity of kinda seperate kinda not glued together entities.

Idek what i want to be. I want to be a full person, that's for sure, but other than that ? Idk. I'm lost, I'm a mix of tons of different opinions and vague, weak, feelings, and flashes of blurry memories and desires that don't belong to me.

So.. i know you probably can't help, but do you have.. any idea on what I could do ? Or if others have been in similar situations and if it got better ?

This is a very long ask x knows, and it's desperate, and you aren't our/my psychs so I shouldn't just dump this and hope you have answers, and I'm so sorry if this isn't appropriate to ask, but yeah.

I'm sorry.

Dissociative disorders do the job, but not perfectly, what you're explaining from the words of "nearly no knowledge left" sounds like retrograde amnesia, where it is near to impossible to remember anything from the past.

I also get a bit on what you mean with not knowing who you are,, that is usually close to a blurry moment? Because everything feels jumbled, its not clear, it is hard to discern wether there's multiple or not, etc. That could sound like it;

Have you been exposed to stress? Especially long term? Has anything awful been happening? Many factors can affect memory and recognizing who you are that can stem from basic needs that are neglected like sleep or rest if you're working for long periods, or deficiencies on vitamins/minerals/nutrition because they also play a part on fending off brain fog which can cause many issues like memory recall or trouble focusing,, or it can be to even deeper issues like stress as i said before, or if it is related to trauma, or any sustained physical injuries but it could be anything really.

Im guessing this is something that didn't happen in such a short time, but i do can give you some stuffs to do for starters:

Write down everything you can notice those feelings, those lingering sense of identity, or vibes, or thoughts, they are truly jumbled and it helps you organize and recognize your situation better if you have a physical record of what you're experiencing

Find the cause of problem If you can, try digging up anything you can find that could be the culprit, maybe before things get too foggy to remember that could serve as clues, and by checking with your current health (physically and mentally and emotionally) and see what could be fixed.

For sense of fulfillment It is overwhelming to know which or where you have to start from if you want to learn more of yourself, while you can do number 1 to jot down things you don't align with, this also gives you some ideas on what could be yours. Start somewhere small, like, how you like your daily morning, or preference in eating food, or the colors you think it looks cool.

It would also be great if you can leave out the tiniest bit of context next time, so my answers for now are rather vague and less pinpointed/specific. Though atleast still can suffice as a starting point to tackle your issues.

You can contact me anytime via ask box or DMs, let's see how things go for you okay?

- j

#did #actually did #did community #did osdd #did system #dissociative identity disorder #janswersask

[kidney9-9]

Cold Love - Elsa!Reader x Loki, Dr. Strange, and Bucky

@stygianoir asked: What about loki, Dr.Stange and Bucky (seperately) with a female reader who has powers like Elsa? Like she can make outfits and buildings fluff plz

Hi @stygianoirir I hope you enjoy this! Thank you for sending in the request! In this, Asgard is still around and Loki's family is still alive! My requests are open and my masterlist is linked in bio.

Elsa!Reader x Loki, Elsa!Reader x Dr. Strange, Elsa!Reader x Bucky [Fluff, Angst, Smut] Warnings: Smut, angst, fluff, cursing and brutal violence, injuries (i am serious, please do not read if you do not care for violence) Word Count: Loki: 1.3k, Dr. Strange: 1.1k, Bucky: 1.7k

-

When Loki first met you, he was so confused. He was strangely comforted by the fact you didn’t say anything about his past intentions with Earth.

Everyone on Earth usually shouted at him or pointed out that he lost his chance, just as the Avengers did frequently. After a few times of bumping into you at the library, he finally asks you, “Why aren’t you being like every other mortal here?” You gave him a weird stare and told him to shut up because you two were in the library.

When he finally convinced you to talk to him (outside the library), he charmed his way into making you smile so much. He found himself warmed at the sight and he had quickly come to terms with the fact he was starting to care about you. He wasn’t going to let you go though, he wasn’t going to mess up, like he did with everyone in the past. He practically studied you for a whole two years, being your close friend and then when he found out you liked him, he made his move.

It wasn’t until a whole year later that you revealed your powers to him accidentally. It was some little argument about meeting your family, which you kept telling him not to bring up.

He didn’t think your family could be much worse compared to his, but you were keeping something from him by not telling him about your family and it made him push past your boundaries momentarily. He had used magic, transforming into your younger brother after he saw a photo of him locked away in a box you tucked deep into the closet.

You instantly froze his feet, stopping him from moving, “What are you doing here? You’re not welcome here, and you know it!” Loki couldn’t stop the gasp as he took the spell away from his body.

“Darling, what…” He’s so shocked and hurt and so are you. But he knew he was in the wrong, and after begging you to talk to him for weeks, you finally let him come back to your place.

“It’s just a curse… I can’t let you see them because I can’t go near them. I won’t allow myself to. I might hurt them with this curse and the last time I saw my brother, I did accidentally hurt him. Just a little, but it was enough. I purposely made them hate me when I left, so they wouldn’t come after me. That’s another reason why we can’t go meet them.”

Loki can’t let you do this.

He’s been down a similar path before, and he knows how it ends. He pulled you into a hug and in his head he made a vow to always protect you, and to try to fix this view of your power.

In the next few months, he managed to make you feel more comfortable about your power. He always asked you to make the room cooler because he loved the cold, even showed you some parts of his past of when he discovered his true nature. He pulled out the most hidden part of you and had slowly made you feel alright about it.

And he really loved it, he truly did.

Eventually, he asks you to bring out some powers in the bedroom and wow, does he really have fun with it. And so did you, it slowly became a must have in the bedroom, using some ice to press up against his hard dick before you go down on him with your warm mouth, and wow does he love temperature play. Or how you would quickly make some type of bed or prop to help you two in the moment, even in the most random places.

When he asks to see the extent to your powers, you really show him everything. You flew up into the air with him, ice supporting you up and snow slowly building in the area around you. You did your best to recreate Asgard, or at least the castle, from what Loki showed you of his memories.

He cried when you took him to his old room, it was exactly how he remembered, but it was all ice. You even created an old outfit of his, one of the royal ones, that were so formal, and you created a perfect dress to go with it.

He started to tell you more and more, and it suddenly all poured out of him when he realized that he had finally found his one person, the one that he loved, the one that loved him back.

He loved you so much and when your cold spread to him, he couldn’t help but smile. His trust in you was so strong, and whenever you displayed your love to him, it made his heart beat out of control. He wanted to keep you to himself most of the time because it meant more time to be with you, to love you.

When he introduced you to his family in Asgard, Thor immediately welcomed you as a sister. It was quite hilarious when he saw you and said, “My dear sister!” You had gasped at him and looked back at Loki with such a funny expression of “what the hell?”

His mother, Freya, loved you so much. She also welcomed you into the family, but not as publicly and loudly as Thor did. She instead would pull you away from Loki at times, dragging you to the library to teach you some of the things she had taught Loki when he was younger.

She would take you to the gardens and even held a party in your honor, after you had trusted her and showed her your powers. She and Loki started to call you the Goddess of Snow and Ice (and Loki also called you Goddess of his heart).

She held your secret in, and helped you keep it, just like Loki did at times. She waited until you were comfortable and when you finally were, she supported you publicly just as she did privately.

Odin was such a hard one to please, especially when it came to his son, Loki. The one who was so mischievous all the time, the one that strove to perfect all the time, even though Odin did not care for his actions.

He quietly judged you, over the years you spent with them. He watched as Loki would smile at you, unbashful and so full of love. He watched Freya love you in her own way, and how Thor would try to drag you into duels or how he would ask such strange questions about human love, so he could care for Jane in the best way.

He concluded that you were the glue that mended Loki.

The one that put him together again, without intending to and without knowing. He had thanked you immensely for this in his mind, but he never spoke it to you. One evening he saw you stare up into the snow that drifted down onto a private balcony, and he swore just for a moment the snow gravitated towards you.

His fatherly love came in a way that shocked both you and Loki, allowing a royal marriage between you two. He would send notes to the guards that stood in front of your room, to allow you to roam the castle and kingdom. He would let you sneak into the dungeons, just as Loki did as a child, and he quietly came to know you from afar, knowing that if he ever tried to speak to you and Loki in person, then he would fall into tears. There would never be a time he could forgive himself for what he did to Loki and his eldest daughter.

He failed as a father earlier in his life, but he was going to make it up to Loki by allowing you two to love each other.

-

Oh boy, this man is in for a surprise when he opens up the door to see you and Wong chatting it up.

He ignored you for so long, not intentionally, but he ignores everyone. He doesn’t notice you really until you start challenging things, just like he did when he was training.

He’s a little bit impressed to say the least. Wong starts having arguments with you about everything, and you end up finding a way to win every single time during training, and it makes Strange want to know more about you.

He starts watching you.

He makes sure you know it too. He’ll sit in your room there, waiting for you to get back, hoping to catch you do something unexpected. Each time though, he’s met with your shy smile, and you tell him that you’re just eager to learn more about sorcery. When he starts watching you outside of the Sanctum, you slowly start to slip up.

Somehow, you are never affected by the cold at all. You never shiver, you never sneeze at the cold, you never wear an extra layer… Strange starts adding it up.

He’s so intrigued with you.

One day, when he’s so intent on watching you, he gets caught by surprise. Someone from another dimension had slipped through, without him knowing, and attacked him.

The attack is so sudden and hard that he loses his upper hand in the fight, and he has to run away. You didn’t even know about the fight until you’re called to the Sanctum and see Strange hurting.

There’s a long deep cut on his face, and bruising appearing on his neck and shoulders. You can’t help but feel a deep sting in your heart, making you feel so angry that someone would do this to him. He didn’t deserve any pain, he was a good man. You learned so much about him from how often he’d go to you in the Sanctum, and you admired him.

You thought it was a bit foolish, but you developed feelings for him.

When Wong finds the person responsible for the attack on Strange, no one could stop you as you threw an attack with ice into the man’s face, and then you pushed a surge of snow into his mouth, making the man choke on air.

Your powers are suddenly out in the open, and everyone freaks out, except for Strange. He’s just sitting there, twiddling with his thumbs all of a sudden, just blushing as he’s watching you. Now he knows and even though he sees your secret, he wants more. And a lot more.

There’s a bit of time until you two are finally alone in a room again. He’s so ready to see you use your powers again, even though he knows that you only used it because you’re angry. He wants to see you riled up again, and he knows that is dangerous, but he can’t stop.

He does it so fast that he even surprises himself. He kisses you so deeply and then he pulls away and he smirks.

God, he’s such a jerk.

You freeze at the kiss, you freeze at the smirk, and you can’t stop yourself when you finally push out of it, and then pull him back and kiss him again.

He takes a moment before he kisses you back.

He calculated this all wrong, but he’s glad he did, because wow, you like him back, and wow, you are an amazing kisser.

He thought you would use your powers again and freeze him and then he would have a chance to examine it, but no, this happened. He’s so damn happy about it and he pulls you closer to him even more, it leads to you two stumbling to an empty room, not caring if anyone walked in.

“Please, dear, show me. I need to see, you know I need to.” He’s begging you when he starts fucking you and he’s pretty sure he’s red in the face, lips swollen and that he might just start drooling at how fucking good you’re taking him. Your hips meet up to his and finally he sees you use it again, and you turn the room into solid ice.

If anything, that made him hornier for you.

It’s pretty obvious that you two fucked since the next day, Strange was so glued to your side and you were swirling up some pretty ice sculptures for him, even though you told everyone else you would never use your powers again like that in front of them.

He makes the jump by assuming you two were together, when he talks to Wong about what “his girlfriend” would like for dinner one day. You’re so surprised that your eyes widen, and you tripped over a chair you didn’t see in front of you. You knew he was talking about you because he was detailing your favorite meal, to the exact tablespoon of an ingredient in the recipe.

That’s what made you feel even closer to him and later on, you tell him why you hid your powers in the first place. You teleported with him to a snowy beach, and you even gave it your all into your powers, showing Strange how far you can really go.

“I never liked them. They made it so hard to be normal and when I finally found the Sanctum, I thought I had found some place that would help me with it but that wasn’t what happened, and I’m okay with that. My entire life… everyone around me was so scared that I would lash out and hurt them. I knew I could, and I did eventually hurt someone. Just some guy in the neighborhood, you know, the asshole that everyone hates. I froze his hand when he tried to do something way worse – he tried to hurt my friend.” You paused, watching his reaction to your words. He was absorbing it all, eyes searching your face too.

“And I didn’t realize how angry I was – how much power I put in that. His hand fell off! It just fell and scattered across the floor, and everyone started to scream, even my friend, even me. I ran after that. I had to. Everyone I loved was scared of me, I was scared of myself at that point. My family was terrified when I got home that day to pack up and leave. When I finally left and started to trust myself again with the power, I found this place. I found you, Strange. I promised not to use that power though, because I knew it was too much. I’m still a little worried about it but you’re helping me. I can see you’re not scared of me, even now after all you’ve seen.”

Strange loved you more than he could explain. He continued to kiss your lips, and hold you, and it felt like he was drinking you in, as a part of his knowledge and love. He couldn’t stop his obsession with you either, he always wanted more of you, and you always gave yourself to him, and he loved it.

-

As a result of Sam’s teasing, Bucky had finally started to go out by himself. It was a slow process, but he finally started to go out every other day. He would frequently go to the park, sip on a coffee that he bought across the street and look at the birds and the lake.

When he started to notice that you were the only constant thing that was at the park, he was curious. You seemed to love the birds just as much as he did, as you stared at them and cheered them to fly up into the air, even though that meant you wouldn’t see them for much longer.

He would start gazing at you for a few minutes, kind of grinning as he sipped his coffee, and he didn’t realize that you had noticed. When you finally started to stare back at him, his eyes popped open in shock, but he didn’t move his gaze. Instead, he stayed there, watching you as you watched him.

Huh.

Interesting… girls weren’t like that nowadays. Not to him at least. He finally got up and sat next to you, and the two of you jumped into an easy conversation. It was so much fun for Bucky that every time he’d go to the park, he’d automatically gravitate to your spot. You two liked the same kind of things, which he thought was incredible.

He liked talking about the action movies he was catching up on, and you would always respond with some catchphrase from the movies, it was adorable.

When Sam caught Bucky smiling more often, Bucky admitted it was because of you and Sam insisted on having you join them for lunch. It was then that Bucky realized he should probably look into you before he did anything more. He wanted to be as cautious as possible with you, to take things slow and everything would turn out fine.

When he looked into you, there was just one thing that sparked his mind.

You were declared missing.

And he was suddenly very cautious about this. Were you kidnapped and raised to think the kidnappers were your parents? Did you get caught by an agency like HYDRA and your family reported you missing?

He looked more into it without telling you or Sam and found that it was your family that reported you missing. He wasn’t sure what to do and then the day before you were supposed to have lunch with him and Sam, he found himself dragging you away from the park and into a more secluded area, away from walkers and kids.

“Are you aware you’re reported as missing?” He asked you quietly and you blinked at him, so surprised he brought that up.

“Uh, yeah… I just need to be away from my family. You’re not going to turn me in, are you?” Your question threw him off guard, at how innocent you sounded. He suddenly felt so bad at how he dragged you away, and he apologized deeply, and he admitted to having searched you up.

You laughed so hard and admitted the same thing to him, but he didn’t care that you did that. In fact, it encouraged him to ask you out on a real date and eventually you two started to date. Everything was going so well between you two but there was something that you both were hiding from each other, and Bucky still felt so suspicious about something.

He couldn’t understand why you needed to be away from your family, without telling them you were okay. He didn’t report you at all, but he kept close tabs on your family, watching to see that maybe there was something wrong with them that made you leave, but the more he learned, the more he felt confused.

Your family was incredibly normal. And you were normal too, right? He started to ask around and then somehow he found himself in front of an old friend of yours, that thought you were missing. He knew he shouldn’t be doing this, but he questioned the friend.

She warned him… of all things, she warned him. “Look, she’s a good person. One of the best people I know. But she probably got herself involved in something scary because of how… intense she can be. If you see her and talk to her, you should know that she might be dangerous. That’s what her family told me at least.”

Finally he felt so guilty that he confessed to you that he was searching for this answer to a question he didn’t know. Things hadn’t really moved forward in the relationship other than some deep kisses and some grinding too, it made him confused that you weren’t moving forward with him.

Sure, he loved it.

He liked watching you become so horny that you had to drag yourself away from him. It looked so difficult for you to do it, and he knew you wanted so much more, just like he did.

He wanted to watch you moan his name from your lips while he held you close and fucked you hard. That was what he dreamed about all the time.

“What are you? Why are you hiding from everyone you knew when you were younger? Why are you hiding something from me and why is it I feel like you’re holding back?” He questioned you after apologizing and instantly you became cold to him.

You tried running away from him, telling him that it wasn’t his problem, that you didn’t care about him anymore, but he knew that wasn’t true. You were crying! You were sobbing when you told him that and you were getting ready to run away from a relationship again it seemed like.

“And you, you’re hiding something from me. Don’t think I can’t see it. I know when someone is hiding something so serious, because I am too.”

All of those hurtful things you said, he pushed aside and he pulled you into a hug you couldn’t escape. You were sobbing so hard, in his bedroom and he dragged you to lay down in his bed with him, cuddling him. He didn’t let go of you until you stopped crying, and when you did, you felt like a wreck.

“You have to tell me first. I can’t… I’ve never admitted it to someone so willingly before.” You told him and he opened up.

“There’s something wrong with me. Still. After everything… I know you said that you researched me but public records only show a bit. I’m a monster. Still, after they changed me and it haunts me to feel it in my head. It haunts me in my actions, everything I do, I’m reminded of how they broke me down and bore me into this thing. I was only meant to destroy for them and I did, and I continue to destroy, even though I’m not with them anymore. I feel like that’s my punishment, for being me. That I have to know that I cannot move past destroying things, because the only thing I am is a monster.”

You wanted to smack him when he told you that he was the monster here. That wasn’t true, at least to you.

“You can’t be a monster, Bucky… You never were. I was born one.” You told him that he would never be a monster to your eyes. It was true. And you were the one that was the actual monster, you believed.

You told him everything, it poured out of your lips about how you were always so focused to never hurt the people you love because you knew it could happen at any moment.

You told him about your accident when you caused a branch to freeze and snap, and cause your friends to fall. One of them broke their leg, and the other one became a shell of a person, it made them snap in some way. That friend had become so distant after the accident and then blew up in anger at everyone in town, causing her to become an outcast.

It was all your fault, and they never knew.

Your family of course knew of your powers and thought you were in control of them but you never could fully control it. And they made jokes about your powers among themselves, about how easy it must be to freeze someone and they’d laugh, but they didn’t know that it was hard to control your feelings and powers at the same time. You could have accidentally frozen someone! You could have killed someone accidentally! It was terrifying and you left, feeling disgusted at them for joking about it and at yourself for knowing you were a monster.

Bucky promised you that day that you two would work together to change. He didn’t see you as a monster either, but no matter what he said to you, he knew you still saw yourself as one.

The relationship got better. He began to fall in love with you, after knowing your true self, the real and full and true you. And he felt so incredibly lucky that you were falling in love with him as well.

The physical part of the relationship was also much better. You two were quick to have sex, after everything was out in the open and your powers would come out whenever Bucky made you cum. He loved it so much, watching you cry, and the entire room would freeze over. You would focus your attention all on him too, not realizing that you let go of everything you were holding in.

It took a while for you two to start training together. You suggested it to Bucky to help him with his missions and he thought it would be a good idea since he would see the rest of your powers. And boy, he quickly just fully fell for you right then. It was so hot, watching you become so powerful and every time you trained together, it would just turn into another night of sex.

He’d fuck you on almost every piece of equipment in his personal gym. Each of you crying out your love for each other and he would be so surprised and happy to find more of your power pulsing through you with each orgasm.

A lot had happened since you two had met each other, but it was safe to say that Bucky had become a better person with you around. He grew to understand things that he refused to think about before, and he had loved you so much for everything you did and everything you are.

-

Thank you! Hope you enjoyed reading this!

#loki x reader #bucky barnes x reader #stephen strange x reader #dr strange x reader #marvel x reader #marvel smut #thanks for sending this in!

[loquaciouscat]

Who wants to listen me as i write a. Whole essay on Shigeo's mental journey and how it can be parallels with DID by someone with diagnosed DID!!!!!!!!! 😋

(pls ignore all the grammatical mistakes, im too lazy to correct all rn maybe later)

CW: trauma, bullying, dissociation, derealization, discussion of neurodivergent struggles. Please be aware it might be upsetting to some before reading 🙏

Neurodiversity changes how you process trauma. Keep this in mind!! I can point out so many moments where Shigeo is nd-coded, especially autism. We can see people calling him "hard-hearted", "numb" and "incapable of showing emotions". He lacks showing his emotions with facial expressions. You can see how much it upsets him when people assume he doesn't feel anything, getting heard "Get a clue." etc. (Keep this in mind, %??? is quite expressive)

Quoting from @lost-caticorn 's wonderful post that explains more about Shigeo's possible autism (I'll be linking below)

"In the anime this line is translated by “get a clue” but it doesn’t really match the Japanese words used here “空気を読む” which means “read the situation/sense the mood”. Also I think it’s worth mentioning that in episode 4  he literally names it the “reading-in-the-mood technique” (空気を読む技術). This just illustrates how non-natural this is to him."

Autism joy is something many neurotypicals cannot grasp nor understand. We see Shigeo was not scared of showing these, sharing his ability, talking about it constantly (this can be interpreted as special interests within daily life). He was not afraid of himself, nor minded his difference than others. You'll understand in a second but I believe these were the times Mob and %??? Had a peaceful connection with each other. Like I mentioned a second ago, %??? is a lot more expressive, powerful and stronger part of the mind. I can see myself associating this with autistic joy! Even they are on opposite sides as a character, both Mob and %??? Had moments for themselves to share their joy and happiness.

Then the snapping point of Shigeo, first time ever. %??? Causes harm, which makes Mob scared (like a meltdown!)

This is the point I'll start rambling about DID.

DID, dissociative identity disorder, is caused by repeated childhood trauma. Basically, in a normal setting, you have one prime identity, it can be followed by "sportive" you, "parent" you, "friendly" you etc.

For DID, brain puts amnesia barriers between those parts, which is followed by dissociation and derealization. These "parts", which are called alters, develop their own identities, completely seperate from each other. Alters usually have so little to none connection with each other. They all have their own "jobs" in brain, making sure the child doesn't get affected by the trauma. Some keeps the trauma away "memory holders", some are more agressive and try to protect the kid from outside abuse "protectors" etc. So many roles, I cannot explain all here!

WHAT I ABSOLUTELY LOVE ABOUT THE MANGA COMES FROM THIS!!!! %??? and Mob are the same person, yet so disconnected. Mob associates %??? as an evil, wishing it never existed. Yet we see %??? Taking control whenever there is an extremely stressful/dangerous situation, protecting Mob.

But on the final arc, we see %???'s frustration towards Mob, angry about how he is so repressed, while also explaining he doesn't approve the way Mob chooses to live.

"You always do that, convincing yourself that you understood. And it always out me at advantage."

As much as Mob doesn't like it, %??? is still a huge part of the mind. We all know how we saw Mob doing nothing but hating %??? Because he is "evil, bad, trying to hurt others". Yet all %??? Did was to try to protect Mob.

%??? insists on how he is himself even without power, showing how helpless he felt while holding all the repressed feelings the mind had, getting used as a weapon and Mob using him to "for the sake of others". Mob never truly acknowledged %???, Yet he accepted his help all the time while hating %???.

We see %??? Trying to remove Mob's existance from mind space. Although, can he really do that? I would say no, not really. They are both a part of something bigger, the mind and the body. Mob tried to remove the existance of %??? From the mind, miserably failed.

%??? Tries to do the same thing to Mob. Understandably Mob is terrified, just screaming and crying out of terror. Actually they just switched places, and %??? Was treating Mob how he treated him for so many years. Nothing changed except %??? Got to be in charge after many years.

At the moment Ritsu got hurt, the peaceful connection between other two was gone. This made them get seperated, aware and unaware of each other at the same time.

This is why I believe how there are parallels with DID, especially on the final arc. %??? had the role of a protector alter. Mob doesn't have any memory of the times %??? front (taking control). They are all blurry memories, you can see Mob is confused whenever he gains fully control of the mind and body, not knowing where he is or what he is doing. I also absolutely love how Ritsu getting hurt as a kid is not shown us to completely, because Shigeo doesn't know either. I believe %??? Has those memories locked away, yet still got evilized by Mob for years.

At the end, they both accept each other, making peace between each other. Honestly, what you might see as those kind of "fighting for gaining control of mind" happens a lot to people with DID. Alters might believe they are the most suitable to protect and control the body and mind the best way, causing a chaos in mind space.

I really do see parallels of DID especially on final arc! I don't know if I would headcanon Shigeo as a DID system, but I just really appreciate some representation for dissociation and memory issues 💕 it's a lot more than a losing control situation. I am neurodivergent and with undiagnosed autism, and I see a lot of myself in Shigeo.

Super long post i know but I really wanted to talk about it! Rambling over

Ps: Please also read this, it's amazing 🙏 I strongly believe Mob is an accurately autistic coded character. We need many others like him in mainstream media 💕

#mp100 #mob psycho 100 #loquacious cat rambles #long post #mp spoilers #mp100 manga spoilers #mob shigeo #mob psycho shigeo #mob psycho 100 spoilers #mob pyscho 100 #mp100 analysis #kageyama shigeo #mp100 shigeo #mob psycho spoilers #mp100 spoilers #dissociative identity disorder

[zyris]

Late to posting this (my first draft got deleted and I lost motivation lol) but wow the new episode was amazing and I shed some tears Honestly I just wanna give a little love letter to Teruki's character because he's one of my favorites and I always just appreciated him being on screen as a support cause he's just an absolute sweet heart and seems like someone who seems like a pleasure to be around. And I wanna appreciate how far he's come cause this character conclusion was so good for him

One thing I always loved about him was his constant drive to genuinely want to improve himself as a person.

I think we all know him trying to humble himself after having such a heavy superiority complex is a big part of it. But I feel like we don’t remind ourselves enough that Teru’s superiority complex stemmed from trying to hide an inferiority complex. It’s not JUST a struggle about going over your head even if that’s apart of it. But it’s also a journey of discovering what it truly means to be equal with others. It’s a concept I really appreciate being explored here because it’s something I struggle with myself. And while his arc is subtle for a lot of the series. It’s definitely there.

This is why his dynamic with Mob is so important. How he feels about Mob throughout the series perfectly captures his character arc. Seeing him as a threat to his ego and life and needing to establish “the hierarchy” but then putting him on a pedestal and admiring him greatly and essentially labelling Mob as someone “Above him” There’s still a lot of little things in the series that adds up to him still viewing the world through this hierarchy he’s made in his head even if he’s trying to rid of it.

This moment was really great and you can see the horror in him as he truly has to take in what’s happening and the dangers with it. I adore that the way Teru finally sees Mob as an equal is also seeing him at a very low point in his life. He’s not above mistakes, and everyone has their bad days and things they want to hide about themselves.

Calling himself a common constantly is pretty blunt and perhaps harsh in some peoples eyes. But it means what it means, he’s not above or below anyone, he’s just like everyone else.

Also note I’ve been anime only for Mob Psycho since I’ve started watching in middle school though I have read a few chapters of the manga and plan to do a full read when the anime is done. But for this arc I’ve been reading the manga chapter right after the episode and I just wanted to talk about this line that was cut

(The last panel) I’m really sad about this change because it really says how much Mob hates himself and all it does is break my heart and make me reflect on how innocent all this started. He spent so much time trying to gain the courage to ask his crush out flowers and everything and he ended up with a near death experience and destroying everything around him and hurting his friend. I might make a seperate post talking about him in this episode or perhaps wait for the next to do so.But Teru refusing to hurt him and claiming his victory through saving the people around him is honestly so amazing so many ways. Not only is he easing the pain of his friend and making sure his worst fear doesn’t happen. But it truly speaks where his values now lie.

Originally a gang leader drunk on power and participating in fights because it was the biggest boost for his ego to someone who wants to whole heartedly help other people.

Those other psychic kids from the awakening lab in season one he took upon himself to train, he always tries to help take claw down, his absolute refusal to be brain washed and let that happen to the city, he always tries to help Mob out when he’s in trouble.

When Teru says “I win” he did. It’s an amazing victory for him because he accomplished his goal of protecting others and wants to make the world a better place and he’s become a true leader in the process.

I can’t help but think back to season 2’s Toichiro when thinking of Teru. The idea of being so drunk on power and dismissing the importance of others he expresses. Human connection is a very important theme in Mob Psycho and I think human connection is also very important to Teru’s arc for the reasons stated above

A while back my friend showed me some things in the fan book that didnt contain manga spoilers and I think the last line stuck with me because of this idea. It also took me back to that omake with him and Reigen of him having a fun summer after seeing them as boring.

I’m very very proud of him for not closing his heart off. He did a great job.

#mob psycho 100 #teruki hanazawa #mp100 #txt post

[metacrisisdoctor]

love your takes soooo much!

i can't help but notice astrid and joan redforn were very rose-coded love interests (astrid was just a bit of flirting but still), if you ever have the time (and wanted to) i would love to read your thoughts on what role they play in ten/tentoo and rose's relationship...and if you think he ever told her about them 👀

if not, i did also want to thank you for helping me appreciate tentoo and rose so much more than i did when i first watched :)

aw thank you! 🙈💗

oh god, do not get me startedd you will regret this 😂

i don't think joan is rose coded at all, honestly. i think she's rather the opposite of her. racist, judgemental, boring. but that doesn't really matter because the doctor did not love joan because he is not john smith. and more so, joan did not love the doctor. that's the important part of it. i think joan is, honestly, a stand in for rose to show the audience that he wants to be human, that he actively craves that. it's not about joan as a person, which is also part of the problem.

a really interesting parallel to me is when he asks joan to look into his eyes and see him, but she can't and looks away. just that stark contrast to rose putting her hand over tentoo's heart and looking into his eyes, seeing him and obviously believing him. because rose intristically knows him, remember "rose would know." is about rose knowing the right thing to say, it's about her understanding him even if she doesn't know every little aspect of his traumatic past and how she made the present and future have value and excitement.

in s3 the doctor is absolutely drowning (which is why he needs a break from being himself) in his grief of having lost rose, to him losing her was essentially a death and him inviting joan, to me, reads as him searching for rose in other people, because he didn't take the chance to offer his hearts to her when he had the chance and for what? he loved and lost anyway and that is absolutely something he carries with him up until his regeneration.

i can see him telling rose about joan and the entire situation if/when she ever worried about him feeling "trapped" or wanting to leave (which i can see jackie putting in her head bc of her own insecurities which we hear in the audios) but i think there is a lot that isn't focused on, especially his journals:

i absolutely lose my mind at these. especially "i find myself wanting to draw a perfect rose over and over." and "i know face, i know she is my-" this is something that is glossed over but my god, think how massive this is. he had his memories wiped so deeply that he forgot himself, that he can't even remember what the tardis is called, but he remembers HER name. he cannot stop dreaming about her, drawing her. even here he could not escape his love for her, even here there was no respite. THAT is what i think he would tell her. and yes, about joan in the reality of it - how it never occured to him that john would fall in love because he was already so in love with her. but all those things he wanted as john smith are things that live inside him and always did BECAUSE of rose and because of how human she made him, and that's why rose is the only person he could ever live a happy human life with.

i think rose would be jealous and maybe a little hurt, because that's who she is, but i think she would also feel like... how could someone NOT want him? that would floor her. because she doesn't just want the john smith bits, she wants the doctor. she wants all of him and that's what makes them special.

(and tbh, i headcanon that before the cannon started working rose had a meltdown and gave up for a few weeks and had a one night stand with a guy that sort of reminded her of the doctor from a certain angle and was nice but it was unsatisfactory and left her feeling even lonelier- so they're kinda even. remember rose is around 24 in journey's end. they were seperated a while, esp on her end 😭)

i think astrid would be more amusing because she definitely IS rose coded and a lot of it is her flirting with him and him sort of floundering about it, but it being nice to not wanna die for a second too and he enjoyed her company because she reminded him of rose. which i think rose would probably preen about until she finds out astrid also died 💀 like my man COULD NOT get a win!

tldr, i think for their relationship to work (and of course it does) he would have to be honest with her about everything: from her making jack immortal, to donna losing her memories, to everything that happened while they were apart with her being honest about her life in return, BUT i also think that their relationship is largely about healing and living in the present so i don't think they would dwell those things per se. i think their hardest obstacles would be the ptsd they both probably still have about being seperated/apart and, for a while, the fact that ten is losing his absolute mind while they're so happy together. that would be hard. but i think they're just so magnetic and drawn to each other that they can't help but find themselves happy and wrapped up in each other.

#reply

[butchbarbieagainstterfs]

ok, here we go: Breakfast Anons Experience in Radfem/Terf tumblr (long post) (tw terf/radfem ideology, transphobia, homophobia, sexism, mentions of rape/SA)

so, earlier this year, i got pulled into the terf/radfem side of tumblr and was active in it, on and off, for about 3-4 months. i dont remember how i got in but it was lilwly something inoffensive that most would agree is a fundamentally good and important perspective to have, like how damaging the porn industry can be, female genital mutilation and abortion rights. looking back, i think it was that unrestrained defense for women that made me start going through their blogs because of course i dont think women should be mistreated or abused simply because they are women. i was never able to be pretty and easily feminine like the girls i grew up around so seeing that comradery around women who felt like i did made me feel seen.

unknowingly, that arguement for women spiralled into men being the sole problem, then men being useless scum that only perpetuate the patriarchy and then it was "all men are monstrous, porn-addicted, misogynistic, rapists in waiting who will do whatever they can to belittle, abuse, use and destroy women whatever chance they get so they should be eradicated for the greater good".

the radfems, the small circlejerk group that they are, would all reblog from and follow one another, and when i eventually got convinced to join the circle by making a seperate account for my own blog (yeah it was that bad) i found myself seeing the same posts over and over from the same 30/40-odd blogs that all agreed with each other and said the same things. that blatant and unquestioned hatred for men is extremely central to their beliefs, which i understood because, even besides the radfem mindset, im generally uncomfortable around men too, and they gave tangible reasons why i should be.

near all of them are lesbians or febfems (female exclusive bisexual females) and being a lesbian myself, the idea of being with a man romantically or sexually repulsed me like it did them so i felt accepted, finally, for who i was. theyd post and repost articles upon articles of "men pretending to be women" who had been charged with assault or rape of children and women and female prison inmates; they'd post and repost pdfs of famed radfem theory by Adrienne Rich (?) and books like The Scum Manifesto which is essentially their "bible"; theyd explain and reexplain society, the patriarchy and the world according to their logic, and because of that, I didnt question their calls for womens seperatism, for women to only be in relationships with other women (romantically/sexually or platonically), for male babies to be aborted without second thought and for all men to be wiped out from existence entirely. and of course THAT spiralled into trans women also being a big problem.

they preached that men are rapists and abusers who get off to it, and trans women are also rapists and abusers who get off to it so much they need to "pretend to be women" or, even worse, "pretend to be lesbians" to force "actual lesbians who dont like dick" to sleep with them. but at the same time, they kept preaching that trans men and afab nonbinary people are lost, innocent, manipulated, self hating lesbian girls/women who couldnt deal with the internalised homophobia and internalised misogyny so mutilated themselves to pretend to be men. and the trans men who "called themselves gay" are homophobic straight girls who have an addiction to gay porn and want to force "actual gay men who dont like vaginas" to sleep with them. there were even some "tehms" or "trans exclusionary homosexual males" in the group but they were few and far between.

the ideology is a self consuming and never ending spiral of despair, hate and misery. and one thing i learned from it is it is so, so easy to hate.

while in it, as much as part of me felt understood and finally seen by other women who experienced certain things and had some of the same thoughta as i did, i also felt so grimy from all the hate and bitterness and cruelty i was reposting and eventually posting myself towards trans and nonbinary people. i would log out and go back to my normal inclusive blog and feel so much guilt and disgust, partly for thw reasons i mentioned but also because i knew i was attracted to trans women and nonbinary people (not that i ever made that clear), both things of which the terfs claimed made me actually bisexual "because trans women are actually men" when i know for a fact im not. im gay through and through.

i knew it was all wrong but they explained awat my guilt too, one of them told me the guilt was because id been brainwashed to blindly support "trans activism" so it will feel incongruent but what im doing is in fact the right thing. so i couldnt or didnt do anything. i felt part of a community that was actually fighting for something tangible, something rooted in apparent reality. i felt like what i was doing was important for society. i was speaking out for the rights of women. how could that bw wrong? it's wrong, but doing so at the expense of others is wrong

eventually, the guilt got to me more than that self-appointed importance did and i ended up deleting the account after it spiked my depression. i couldnt believe what id done, couldn't comprehend the hate id perpetuated and the people i may have hurt. i felt horrible being part of a movement that attacked innocent people who just wanted to live for the sole reason that the way they wanted to live was different from the assumed norm.

and then, by some magical move by Fate, i came across a recently published horror novel by a trans woman named Gretchen Felker-Martin called Manhunt, which is the story of two trans women, an indigenous trans man, nonbinary people, a black female doctor, and a terf who all have to live, fight and survive through a biological apocalypse where men and anyone with high testosterone become cannibalising monsters. and it literally changed and saved my life. i mean that with all seriousness.

now my favourite book of all time, it opened my eyes to so much internalised transphobia i didnt know i had, gave me actual pride about my gender and sexuality and, despite how brutal and painful the novel is (while i highly recommend the book SERIOUS tw for rape, intense transphobia and general crimes against trans people and people of colour), it gave me hope beyond anything id ever felt. i felt truly seen, understood, and loved as a trans and queer person, and a person of colour (i am black), by that novel and it was the key to me finally leaving the radfem/terf mindset and ideology behind. and while im still on a journey towards healing, i am now of a mindset and belief that is inclusive, kind, loving, exalting and full of love for the ENTIRE intersectionl lgbtqia+ community.

and, scene.

Thank you so much for sharing! I’m glad you were able to get out of that space ❤️

I feel you on the guilt element as well. I wasn’t ever a full blown TERF, always respected trans folk for who they are, but I was an ace exclusionist and a “queer is a slur!” person - both of which terfs are often involved in - for a while up until I saw the damage that was going on, stopped and reanalysed. Now I’m way happier and a better, more inclusive person ❤️

Thanks for the book rec as well! I’ll deffo have to look into that ❤️

#anti terf

[black-salt-cage]

I'm sorry that others in the TMC fandom are already giving you grief over your personal decision to not interact with the series at this point. This fandom has been a hellhole since day one and I don't see that changing any time soon.

Some of us may have chosen to separate the art from the artist, but you're not wrong for wanting to distance yourself from the series and if people are going to take that personally then they can go fuck themselves. I know you're not looking for the validation or anything but I wanted to throw my support for you out here, since people want to act immature about this.

I used to be pretty in the fanbase myself during the time when volume one was being released. I kinda knew what to expect in a way but ngl most people who are into it here are so chill that I was hoping it'd be pretty understood. And for you it's completely acceptable to seperate the art from the artist and I hope you can enjoy the series peacefully. honestly a part of me is mourning the lost potential of it and I hope at the very least other artists are inspired to take the good from it and make something greater. And it may go back to the whitelist if I'd like to engage with it again. though ngl I feel like a big part of that is going to depend on how the fanbase chooses to handle this (aka: don't jump me and others for a disagreement)

I'll just add another reminder (to others/the general person not you lol) that just because something isn't an acceptable request DOES NOT mean that I have any issue with you for liking that thing. and if you guys wanna discuss analog horror with me that isn't tmc, do it! I'm a huge fan of the genre. I love analog horror. I adore it. it's a genuine passion of mine. I'd much more prefer to talk to people about what we have in common rather than argue about what we don't. let's all just agree that we want the best for the analog horror genre and call it a day

#and ngl to you if you think I have strong unpleasant opinions on tmc don't get me STARTED on the painter/urbanspook's swill #I will downright obliterate that shit if you give me the chance lmao #talk tag #saltcourse #💌.asks #💌.drinksglue #Shio.txt

[guppyclato]

Jameson

The bar smelt like every other. Alcohol, sweat, people. It had been one month since I left the house. My room really. One month since I was a dead man and now my brothers had the delusion of bringing me back to life. They'd thrown me out of the house, though I couldn't really fight back. I'd lost parts of my physical strength. Not that I cared.

I didn't need to be fancy or attractive. I had no one to impress. I had planned on drinking the bar dry, teaching my darling brothers a lesson to not leave me to my own devices, when I saw her.

She was standing in a corner watching everyone and no one. A wave of pain crushed through me. I figured it would go away at some point, but it didn't. After a while I just gotten used to the numbness.

Longing flooded my veins, straight to the heart. I could practically smell her spicy but soft scent across the room. Did she still smell like that? Delicious. Alluring. Just her.

I didn't know how I got there but suddenly I was in front of her. Only a few feet seperating us. "Hello Heiress", I forced. It came out more like a whimper. At the mention of her nickname, she looked up at me. Her eyes we're completely black, shimmering with longing. " Jameson." A whisper. A prayer.

She took a step forward. I stood, frozen. I wanted to back up but my body only saw hers. "Hi", she whispered coming straight at me until we were chest to chest. Her scent filled my lungs, and I physically had to keep myself from burying my head in her neck and breathing her in. She seemed to have no such restraints.

"You smell soo good." She don't slur her words, neither did she stutter them, but something was of in her voice. It was absent, like she had no will and was just babbling whatever her brain came up with.

She brought her face up to mine. "I missed you. Where have you been?" Her words broke my heart all over again. Seeing that she put her hands on my cheeks, her tone becoming pleading. "Don't cry. Don't be sad. I hate it when you're unhappy, love." Her thumbs trailed over the outlines of my lips. Her touch was blessing and torture at the same time. I wanted nothing more than to kiss her beautiful face.

That was when I smelled it. Sick understanding hit me like a truck. "You're high." I'd thought she was mad with grief the way I was. That I was some illusional fantasy of hers. How stupid I was. She couldn't mourn what she didn't want in the first place. Couldn't long for anything she'd gotten rid of herself. And she didn't want me.

"I love you." She whispered directly into my mouth. I felt myself let loose. Let myself give in to the belief that she was sober and had any control over what she said. "You don't mean that. Any of it." I leaned into her nonetheless. "You won't remember any of this." Her lips searched for mine and when she didn't find anything, she started squinting.

I wrapped my arms around her waist, keeping her close, watching frustration wash over her face. "Jameson!" She whispered, her breathing hollow.

"Tell me you love me." I pleaded. She didn't even think twice. "I love you." She begged, leaning closer licking her lips. Waiting for a kiss. "Say it again!" I ordered. She did and I closed my eyes savouring every syllable.

She came at me more desperate this time. Needier. "Jameson." I gave in, let her lips guide me, pin me, hold me. I felt her wanting me, whimpering at the thought that she wouldn't remember anything had happened.

Her touch burned my skin, the way it had with our first kiss. "I love you too." I murmured, reaching into her ponytail, "I love you, Avery."

#avery grambs #the inheritance games #the inheritance trilogy #grayson hawthorne #jameson hawthorne #the hawthorne legacy #avery kylie grambs #the final gambit

[poohsources]

WE DID IT!   honestly, when i first started this blog, this was basically just me doing something on a whim. i liked making memes and spent a lot of time just playing around in photoshop and figured that maybe i could use this to give some more resources to the rpc. after all, i’ve been part of this community since 2017 and decided now would be a good time to use some of the things i’ve learned during that time ( because rping is what actually got me more into photoshop ). i did not think it would take off like it did nor that i would still be here one year later. but alas, here i am thanks to all of you. i can’t thank you all enough for the support you give me ― in whatever way it may be ― and i am so incredibly grateful for each and every one of you here. so thank you from the bottom of my heart.

now, as i mentioned in a post i made a while ago, i did have a few things planned for this blog’s anniversary. unfortunately life got in the way, and to top it all off i unexpectedly got called into work this weekend so i lost some precious time i wanted to use to work on some more stuff for today but it’ll come in due time. in the meantime, there are some announcements i wanted to make about my plans here for the next year(s). 

i’m gonna start doing commissions ! i’m still working out some of the details on this one ( and convincing myself i am actually ready for this because let me tell you, perfectionism and very low self-esteem is an absolutely terrible combo when it comes to any kind of content creation ) but i will make a seperate post about this once i’ve figured it all out. might not be tomorrow or even next week but i promise you it will come this year still.

i wanna involve you more. now, you may be asking how i wanna do that and if i’m being honest, i don’t fully know that. all i know is that i want to make more stuff you actually want to see ― whether it is creations following a specific theme / aesthetic, things made specifically to fit one show / movie / character, whatever. i mean it’s fun to do random stuff and things i personally want to make, and i’m gonna continue to do this as well, but i also want you to have more input on the things i create.

i’ll try to be more communicative. i’m always ( but especially over the last few weeks ) very bad when it comes to any social interaction probably a result of social anxiety and my dendency to get distracted pretty easily and i’ve been trying to get better at it but it’s honestly still a constant up and down. nevertheless, i will be trying to respond to messages and asks more on time. on that note, i am still gonna reply to most of the asks i have ― i’m just not sure when.

i’m gonna reorganize this blog a bit. these will probably only be some minor changes, updating my tags, changing some aesthetic things, etc. just cleaning everything up a little.

anyway, that’s all i have for you for now. again thank you all for being here, and for supporting what i do. 🧡

#pooh speaks.

[kebriones]

are you against mythology retellings? if yes, would you mind telling me why? (in my opinion they are harmless and each one of them adds something new to the ‘source material’) just asking since i’ve seen a lot of classicists harassing people just minding their business and having fun 💀

-Absolutely not at all! I came very near to spending all my savings to go watch hadestown a couple years back, and at the very beginning I even enjoyed lore olympous (the story lost me at some point).

-Do I think they're harmless? No story is harmless and all of them are. It depends on what you consider harm.

-I don't think they add to the source material. If we're talking about ancient greek mythology specifically, it's been dead and burried for centuries. Whatever new is created, is a modern thing and seperate, in my opinion.

-However, it is the very nature of mythology, that people are meant to make their own stories inside it freely. If anything, I enjoy retellings, and even more than retellings I absolutely love the taking of characters (heroes gods, whatever) and making completely new stories with them. "retellings" as a concept can fall into the trap of trying to fix myths, to make them more palatable and enjoyable to a modern audience, which is what rubs me the wrong way.

-But there's no storytelling police so that's up to me to avoid reading those stories of course. Others may enjoy them, and not everyone has to care about the historical contexts or original messages of specific myths. I certainly think there are benefits to it and personally I find it adds to the enjoyment , but each person enjoys different things. I have spent many years stewing in my overprotective feelings towards ancient greek mythology but recently I decided I just want people to have a nice time. I'm also trying to teach myself to understand that other people are completely different to me, so if I find somethign sickeningly bad and others like it, that's just how subjective things work. So I might complain, half-jokingly always, about stuff but it's just to blow off steam and deep down i'm chill about everything.

I specifically don't like what I've heard about the song of achilles, plus I'm extremely, extremely biased when it comes to the iliad, so I am very picky about retellings for that specific part of mythology. the iliad has been my baby since I was very young and it's the one thing I allow myself to be completely crazy over, so when I say I cannot get through the movie troy because it's too painful, I 100% mean it. if you enjoy it, that's great. I will complain and bitch about it forever. I slept with that book under my pillow for my entire childhood and to have some randos come and spend millions to butcher it and drag its corpse like achilles dragged hector, for the whole world to see is too much.

As a last point. I think sometimes with retellings, especially of ancient greek mythology, we're a bit too sensitive because it has been too oftenly taken out of its cultural context and used willy-nilly to tell stories that reflect nothing greek, be it modern or ancient. It is a flashy topic for people to use however they want, and it's been changed to fit western cultures so so much, that I wish people would just leave it alone. Ancient greek mythology isn't about flashy god powers, it's about the values and experiences of a culture (or more correctly, multiple cultures), whether those align with modern ones or not, but when "retellings" are first and foremost made to be sold as products, the stories have to be altered to hell, to be nice and tame for the audience, to sell well. Which is a whole other discussion.

so yeah that's why I prefer all-new stories that maybe use mythological characters, over straight up retellings. But, as most ancient greek myths were very regional, had a million variations of which we know a tiny amount of, and were told and made for a long period of time, I don't think that retellings now are in any way inherently bad. But all the nice marble aesthetics (tm) and hot dudes will not fix a bad story, is what I wish people understood. Also I wish they didn't think they know or even claim to like the mythology from having read only retellings.

Anyways I am not a classicist, I am a fine arts student, so I might be saying absolute nonsense, my brain is too fried. on the other hand, i am born and raised in greece, and I have grown up with these myths everywhere around me and I really like them, so I have a lot of feelings about them, but that doesn't really mean anything. And I haven't noticed much harassing going on (lots of complaining, but that's the lifeblood of the internet) but then again I'm here on tmblr only a very short time. That all said, I absolutely do not condone harassing people for what they enjoy, especially for things that can only "harm" the person doing it, like reading stories.

#on a scale of 1 to 10 #how off topic did I get this time

[monsterwithasweater]

Monster Replays The Truthful Route: Part 3

Will Ryo live? Will Ryo die? Only the affinity decides.

Warning: Here be spoilers! Read at your own risk!

OMGZORZ KAITO AND MIU SPOTTED

It could just be me, but the localization of Miu's dialogue feels wonky here.

Miu: And sure, maybe we got lost somehow, but don't you think that's kind of exciting?

Kaito: Exciting? What is wrong with you?

CYCLONEMOOOON!!! 😍😍😍

Ah, yes, my favorite magic trick; the Mysterious Disappearing Miu!

I remember being on Facebook after about 5,000 years, and I saw a really sexist comment against Saki in regards to the seperate rooms scene. Oh, don't you just love the smell of sexism in the morning? It smells like turds!

Also lol at Agumon and Labramon thinking that that deviant means something that changes from one thing to another XD

Lopmon: No! Don't do that! Can't you read the room?

Agumon: The room!? How? You can read rooms!?

Ryo's just like me fr.

Aoi: ...I'm having a hard time staying calm. I know I need to relax more, but...

Aoi again: It's like how I always blank out on tough questions.

Wow, Aoi's also just like me fr.

I really like seeing Saki and Shuuji interacting with each other. Kinda wish we got to see more of their dynamic.

Minoru: The truth is I've got a rotten personality. I get along just to get by. It's nothing to be proud of.

What is it with these characters and being just like me fr?

Lopmon: I went to get some nuts...

No, Monster. Don't laugh. That's not the kind of nuts Lopmon is talking about. Be mature here...

*wHEEEZE*

Saki: It's funny, though. Talking with you feels like talking to myself, Floramon. It's weird.

I like how, even this early on in the game, you still get hints that the kids and their partners are connected in some way (well, besides the totally obvious evolution stuff, but you get what I'm trying to say, right?).

Saki: Whatever happens is gonna happen. What matters is how we act when it happens, right?

I now have yet another Gomamon! :D

Agumon: Oh, right! A RAY-dee-yo TA-WAH!

Agumon again: I wanna be super big, just like that bridge!

AGUMON WHY ARE YOU SO PRECIOUS????

If I'm gonna be 100% honest here, if I were stuck in an alternate dimension with weird creatures that could kill me at any moment, I'd probably be just as uncooperative as Ryo (not to mention the fact that I absolutely hate working in groups in general).

Kaito: Stop lying, I know you're a monster in disguise!

The Digimon! More than meets the eye! The Digimon! Monsters in disguise!

Omgzorz Dracmon?

Random thing I noticed: In Part 3, there's a big deal about Miu losing her purse and the 'Unfamiliar Woman' having it, while in Part 4, the purse isn't mentioned at all, and Miu is already shown having it.

Floramon: Hahaha, that's a funny face you're making, Saki! It's all scrunched up!

Have I ever mentioned how much I love how Minami Takahashi voiced Saki?

Something I noticed: If you choose to believe Kaito, he will smile a little before getting pissed at everybody.

Dracmon joined the party! :D

Haru: Hey, what do you think that cloud looks like?

Miyuki: A... cloud.

Haru: Then how about that one?

Miyuki: A... cloud.

Haru: This rock sure looks weird.

Miyuki: Yeah... weird.

Haru: What's it look like to you?

Miyuki: A... rock.

Minoru: Well, just look at Ryo. He seems to have warmed right up to her.

Ryo, clearly not the right person to be used as an example: Mommy... Hehehe...

(Taking a picture because I'm too lazy to type down the whole thing. Probably gonna do that more often.)

I find it interesting that Kaito says that Miu used to be 'just like that.' I think it gives more insight into Miu's character (or, at the very least, how Kaito thinks of her), and it also serves as fuel for my Miu-Miyuki friendship headcanons >:3

Another thing I find interesting: While on the cable car, Shuuji says that everybody should try to stay alert, while Lopmon just flat out says that they hate heights.

I really wish that we got to see Dracmon's evolution scene to Sangloupmon, but then that would mean that we wouldn't get such masterpieces like this.

Kaito: Can I trust you, BoltBoutamon?

BoltBoutamon: Of course, Kaito... This power... I wield it for your sake!

Putting the entire Harmony route aside, this conversation is oddly wholesome. I'm just glad that, this time around, BoltBoutamon is 100% Dracmon (and probably won't kill Kaito and the Professor, either!).

It's also similar with Aoi and Plutomon!

Aoi: Plutomon... I can... trust you, can't I?

Plutomon: Of course, Aoi... I am your ally.

Anyways, I actually really like the battle conversations the Survive gang has with each other and their Kemonogami.

Love it when the traumatized teenager has a mental breakdown.

Shuuji: Ow! You didn't have to hit me!

And if he lives, he'll do it again!

Ryo（πーπ）

I'm probably the only person that actually likes Cyclonemon.

Vegiemon: My strength matches what's in your heart!

Also Vegiemon: *main attack has them through their shit*

Man, if I didn't relate to Ryo before, I certainly do now...

Thanks to the power of friendship, cool monsters, and tackling, Ryo lives! Hooray!

Unfortunately, the threat of death still looms over Takuma and his friends. Will they survive? Will they ever make it out of this strange world? Find out next time on Digimon: Digital Monsters!

(Except they aren't really all that digital. And if you're reading this, you either already know what happens next, or you're getting a hell of a spoiler.)

(Consider yourselves lucky that I didn't make a Kemono Monsters joke like last time.)

#digimon #digimon survive #monster rambles #monster replays the truthful route

[bafflement]

Deaged Oz AU - Atlas Hospital Scene Part III

Oz swam back to consciousness slowly, still lying in the comfortable bed he had been in when what he was certain had to have been a dream happened. The room still smelled like all hospitals, but his fingers were clutched around the hilt of his cane, which he knew he hadn't had when he arrived here. Did that mean this was real, then? That they forgave him? Surely not... he'd lied to them. Lied to himself, tried to make the best of an impossible situation and an impossible war. Salem could not be beaten. She could not be defeated, the others hadn't signed up for this. They were just going to get themselves killed. 'Neither did you' a small voice seemed to echo in his head, but he shook it. He was what he needed to be, it was his fault after all. Everything was, hadn't those in the Vale told him that enough times?

How much of what he remembered had been a dream and how much of it reality? Surely he could not truly be the kidnapped Schnee child? They would have found out by now, right? Someone, somewhere, would have checked? The thought of being related to Jaques Schnee in any way, shape or form was deeply disquieting to him. He wasn't used to hating anyone but Salem, but that man certainly made it to the same exclusive little list.

There was a sound as several people filed in. Oscar, James... Winter, Weiss. Qrow! Qrow was here. He'd actually come back, he didn't hate him. He wasn't sure what he would have done if Qrow hated him, ran away again, perhaps? Not that that had worked last time, but there were more places to get lost in Atlas, it would be far easier to hide. He swallowed, bracing himself to be yelled at.

"Oh, Oz..." Qrow sounded sad, noticing how tense he'd become. "You're safe, I promise, okay?"

"Qrow? I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

"Yeah, pocket sized, so am I. Never should have reacted like that, but the circumstances... it won't happen again. I've said that already, but I'm not sure how much of that you remember. They had you on a lot of the good stuff and I know how much that messes you up."

Oz's head did feel far clearer as he turned to gaze at the others. James and Winter seemed to be staring at each other as though having a silent conversation. James sighed, seeming to have lost the argument.

"We need to talk. Whether you should be or not, your body is currently that of an eleven year old boy and as such you are highly vulnerable."

Oz opened his mouth, about to protest, but James just raised an eyebrow at him.

"None of us want Jaques Schnee to find out that you used to be Winter Schnee, since his marriage to your sister would technically mean that you would fall under his control. None of us are going to allow that. Therefore, you have something of a choice."

"A... choice?" Oz really didn't like the sound of this.

"As to guardian. Myself, or Winter. She has the added benefit of a blood relationship but I could probably protect you better. I assume you don't particularly wish to be seperated from Oscar? He claims you as a brother, after all."

"I don't need a guardian, James. I'm not actually a child."

"Yes, Oz. You are. More, you are incredibly vulnerable at the moment. If Salem or one of her people find out about you, as an unaccompanied eleven year old you would make a prime target. You have, after all, been kidnapped before."

There was a flash of hurt in Oz's eyes and James looked like he regretted the phrasing of his words, but he kept on anyway, voice stern. "I will also be taking temporary custody of Oscar. He has no real Huntsman training and you are far too young to be expected to have any real proficency."

Oz blushed at that, glaring up at James. Winter interrupted.

"It's not that you're not fully capable, uncle. But whether you like it or not, you are currently a child. While you are here, it would be far better for all involved were you to have at least nominal protection."

"Think of it this way. While you are under my care, so is Oscar. Wouldn't you prefer to have him protected?"

"You're starting to sound like you wouldn't protect the pipsqueak if it wasn't for Oz, Jimmy." Qrow's voice carried a warning. "That's not a good look."

"Of course I'd protect Oscar. But like it or not, he's far less important in all this than Ozpin is."

"Oscar. Matters." Oz bit out, his glare icy now.

James sighed. "I never stated that he didn't. I'm not actually that good at this, Oz. I have never been in this situation before. Can you at least agree that keeping you out of Jaques Schnee's hands is by far the best option here?"

"I think if I was forced to be in close contact with him, something regrettable might happen. Probably to him. Okay. What exactly do we need to do? And have you asked Oscar's aunt, yet? She is his guardian, after all."

"Both of ours, technically." Oscar sounded amused. "Or did you forget that... Tip?"

Oz winced. "My question stands."

"Yes, I talked to her. She agrees that you two need the extra protection while you're here. Besides, I have access to a great deal of training scenarios both of you could use. We might even be able to source a better weapon for young Oscar."

Oscar's eyes lit up and Oz sighed. He was likely going to regret this, wasn't he?

Qrow looked briefly regretful. "Sorry I didn't volunteer, pocket sized, but..."

"But it would be highly inappropriate, considering certain other considerations. It is fine, Qrow. That you're here is enough."

Winter stared at the two of them, a look of mild horror on her face as the Lien finally dropped. Weiss looked like she really needed some form of brain bleach at the imagery, though thankfully it seemed to entirely go over Oscar's head.

James filled out the paperwork then and there. He was the temporary guardian of Oscar and Tip Pine less than five minutes later.

Although part of James, too, worried that he may end up regretting this...

#james ironwood in dad mode #he protecc #friendship #brotherhood #winter schnee #james ironwood #ozpin #oscar pine #qrow branwen #guardianship #temporary adoption? #oz is not amused #since he doesn't need protecting #or thinks he doesn't #he smol #tiny cute boy ozpin #cloqwork

[system-of-a-feather]

how can you tell the difference between co-front/co-con and a temporary(?) fusion? mostly just curious

-💥🎮

Hmm like a lot of dissociative experiences, its kind of hard to put into words, but one of the "flags" so to say that makes them distinct is often a sense of separation and occasionally addressing / it feeling more natural to talk about both parts involved in third person despite it "definitely being you".

Like I'll use the example of the recent one that incited some of this talk, but Lucille and I were in the car (ignore my symptomatic ass forgetting we aren't literally two different people in a car) we were sitting in the car with our fiance listening to an organ performance of Bach Tocatta and Fugue in D Minor and Fugue in G Minor and for those that don't know, Lucille is a part that is a mega pretentious classical music and somewhat music history nerd who really loves the piano; I'm a huge instrumental (leaning late romantic era, soundtrack music, and brass) nerd who really loves the organ

When we are co-front, which we were vaguely before we temporarily fused, there is a distinct feeling of "me and him", I'm right here and this is my line of thoughts and he is right there and there are his line of thoughts. We function and exist in parallel to eachother and my sense of self remains "here" and he is "there". I can clearly identify that this thought is obviously mine because of course it is, and I can hear he thought / comments as him because "hes right there". This is to the point where we actually have three way conversations with our fiance from time to time because we are both just here. Co-con is similar but just one part has the front and the other is "back there" rather than "right there sitting with me". This might be different for some since we actively and regularly co-front especially around our fiance, and Lucille and I are both some of the best connected parts in our system + also charted to fuse formally at some point when the time is right

However, when we opened our mouth to start a ramble / info dump on how Bach is absolutely amazing and rolling down on a ramble about Bach and Baroque music, we had to pause for a moment because as we started the ramble, we had lost track of who was speaking and whose opinion this was which was largely distinct from blurriness as whoever WAS speaking still felt like a whole and specific defined alter and there was very little of that confusing dissonant dissociative feel in compared to blurriness which often feels like a fog, feeling a bit lost / confused, and increased dissociation.

We took a second to pause and sort it out - since we like to keep track of that and were like "Well this is obviously coming from Lucille because no one else has this much knowledge on the history of Bach and Baroque music other than him plus I am talking in his dialect and partially his accent; but also >I< definitely am still speaking and Riku definitely doesn't disagree and... hmm, odd I guess I'm both right now" which is a result of the fact that I absolutely could not pull apart which was more prominent and both part's "wavelengths" melded together well and comfortably that whatever standard I was operating at was comfortably functioning as a single identity.

At that moment of time, we were neither just Lucille or Riku, but we were some weird state of "yes". It stuck around for the remainder or the point we wanted to make across and then like 10 minutes later before we ended up phasing back apart to Lucille and Riku respectively.

I'm not sure if that makes sense cause describing anything dissociative always is difficult with how much it feels kinda metaphysical but its really the lack of seperation between entities and often "Ah did I just talk about both parts in third person while talking about myself in first person huh, go figure - ANYWAYS About Bach..."

Hope that answered somewhat?

-Riku

#alter: riku #ask #asks #fusion #fusion tw