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eclipsedshadowk · 2 years

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What is it that you like about Salieri? When I was still in school it was mandatory to watch amadeus in music class and he was not really depicted in a favourable light imo, but I may have also forgotten some crucial parts. So what is it that you enjoy about him? (This is by no means shade)

First off, same with the mandatory watching of Amadeus. I honestly slept through it when I was 13-14 years old because I was depressed bean stuck in a toxic environment. I hate to admit that I wasn't a fan of the 1984 movie, though I don't mind watching it.

Second, it was Mozart L'opèra Rock that made me love Salieri so fucking much. I don't remember what made me love and hyperfixate on the guy. Salieri in Mozart L'opèra Rock has a kind of poetry to his character, even though it has some basis on Amadeus. His vibe somehow captured me and maybe the fact that his songs were easy to play on guitar kinda helped with that. He was enigmatic when he first appeared, @antoniosalieri's analysis on the guy made me open to the symbolisms of his songs and the guy was such a distinguished bi disaster, even though they made him quote on quote "sexually ambiguous".

But it was my curiosity on what's up with him and Mozart made me want to learn more about him and his life.

I learned that he was a crucial part of the entire history of classical music, being the teacher of such people who became famous like Beethoven, Schubert and Liszt, he taught people who aren't royalty for free, he handed out golden buttons to children who were impoverished as a roundabout way of helping. I learned that despite the rumors of him "poisoning" Mozart and their professional rivalry, they were still friends and Salieri still taught Franz Xaver, who was Mozart's youngest son. I learned that he became a father figure to his students and he was a loving father to his son and daughters (the death of Alois Engelbert in September of 1805 affected him so much that he became paralyzed and mute with grief). I learned he was taught of music by Gluck, Gassmann and his brother, Francesco, how as a child he seemed to have had a love for music and how likely it was that he had a prodigal talent of his own. I learned of how he is often tossed around like a hot potato before landing to Vienna when he became orphaned at 13-14 years old. I learned of other things too, like how he had a sweet tooth (to the point there were instances of Mozart calling him 'Signor Bonbonière'), how he sneaked out to see his brother perform in festivals which lead to him getting locked up by his father, how he jumped onto an old spinet because the owner was too frugal to replace the broken thing, how he often joked about having terrible German despite having lived there for most of his life ever since he was fifteen, small moments like him treating Schubert out and buying him ice cream.

I like some of the other interpretations of Salieri as well. Fate/Grand Order has an almost similar characterization to Mozart L'opèra Rock's, except more edgy and I love how Lostbelt 1 handled him. Classi9 clearly has an inspiration to Amadeus' but I somehow want to see more of this Salieri. I would like to know of Crash Fever's Salieri, but I like how Alice Fiction's Salieri is a break from the edgy anti-villain that was inspired by Amadeus, which in turn was inspired by Pushkin's. Alice Fiction's Salieri may look like a generic anime girl, but she's adorable and soft to me. Rhythmstar's Salieri may have kept the poisoning rumor, but I love how they kept him as a teacher and I can't wait to see the spin-off game where he is the main character, I kinda want to see ANB elaborate on him.

There's even a fucking musical on Salieri, but it's in Korean, with no subtitles and there's only clips of it available, so it's kinda sad, even though I want to see its story.

I don't quite remember what made me so hyperfixated on him, but damn do I love Antonio Salieri so fucking much

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nightofnyx8 · 7 months

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I wish I could say I was totally productive and planned out all my lessons during my three-day weekend but I honestly just slept for most of it and finished a crime series (my darling Bones). I did finally get around to updating my demi loid fic, which always gives my week an extra boost. Honestly sometimes writing on my days off keeps me sane. I do love my middle schoolers, but by the end of the day my energy is completely zapped.

In other news, I'm enjoying the cooler weather and getting my kids ready for their first concert. I'm a little nervous as the previous teacher kinda just...had them sing karaoke on stage and here I am forcing them to learn from actual sheet music, but I'm excited all the same :) Getting back into teaching has really made such a difference in my daily life.

I'm currently reading "The Nightengale" by Kristin Hannah. The prose is quite lovely and the character work is very impressive so far. I love seeing the gray complexities of ordinary people, especially in such bleak circumstances like WWII. I also keep buying those cute little pumpkin candles from Target to the point where is husband is already 100% over Halloween in September. <3 Ahh well, such is marriage. Wishing you all a lovely week!

#personal #also impatiently waiting for Oct 7 for the new season of spy x family to come out #apologies for the absolute psycho i will be when it does

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howieabel · 10 months

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Autobiography by Nâzım Hikmet Ran

This autobiography was written in east Berlin on 11 September 1961.

I was born in 1902 I never once went back to my birthplace I don't like to turn back at three I served as a pasha's grandson in Aleppo at nineteen as a student at Moscow Communist University at forty-nine I was back in Moscow as the Tcheka Party's guest and I've been a poet since I was fourteen some people know all about plants some about fish I know separation some people know the names of the stars by heart I recite absences I've slept in prisons and in grand hotels I've known hunger even a hunger strike and there's almost no food I haven't tasted at thirty they wanted to hang me at forty-eight to give me the Peace Prize which they did at thirty-six I covered four square meters of concrete in half a year at fifty-nine I flew from Prague to Havana in eighteen hours I never saw Lenin I stood watch at his coffin in '24 in '61 the tomb I visit is his books they tried to tear me away from my party it didn't work nor was I crushed under the falling idols in '51 I sailed with a young friend into the teeth of death in '52 I spent four months flat on my back with a broken heart waiting to die I was jealous of the women I loved I didn't envy Charlie Chaplin one bit I deceived my women I never talked my friends' backs I drank but not every day I earned my bread money honestly what happiness out of embarrassment for others I lied I lied so as not to hurt someone else but I also lied for no reason at all I've ridden in trains planes and cars most people don't get the chance I went to opera most people haven't even heard of the opera and since '21 I haven't gone to the places most people visit mosques churches temples synagogues sorcerers but I've had my coffee grounds read my writings are published in thirty or forty languages in my Turkey in my Turkish they're banned cancer hasn't caught up with me yet and nothing says it will I'll never be a prime minister or anything like that and I wouldn't want such a life nor did I go to war or burrow in bomb shelters in the bottom of the night and I never had to take to the road under diving planes but I fell in love at almost sixty in short comrades even if today in Berlin I'm croaking of grief I can say I've lived like a human being and who knows how much longer I'll live what else will happen to me

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sunny-downpour · 8 months

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~✧°+* 24/100 days of doing better*+°✧~

27.08.2023

In the context of this challange I'd like to forget about the past four days in their entirety.

I haven't necessarily been feeling bad, but I was in a constant state of stress and overstimmulation that didn't allow me to function normally, like... at all.

Today I arrived at my parents'. I'll be staying with family until mid September. I have a few things planned, like my siblings' birthday party and a DnD session with friends, though fo the most part I'll be focusing on finishing my assignments and finding a rhythm again. I honestly think that not being around people (other than my family) will do me good.

Positive things I did today:

cleaned my apartment

did laundry

Hours slept: ~9hrs 30mins Screentime: ~3hrs 30mins Steps taken: ~600

#100 days challenge #100 days of doing better #studyblr #mental health

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thestarfishdancer · 9 months

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tagged by the delightful @shineyma - thanks for the tag, it's nice to have fun things to think about!

name: Myranda. Often misspelled, most recently as Moiranda by the Starbucks barista who asked "Is is Mir?" and got the reply, "Myr, actually, but it doesn't matter!" and yet neither of those were used!

pronouns: she/her

where do you call home: Northern Canada. Yellowknife, if you need more pinpointing but honestly I usually just get ??? after that so... Northern Canada. Above the 60th parallel Northern.

favorite animal: Like @shineyma who tagged me, also tiger! I like the way they stalk about and their stripes. I also like dolphins though.

cereal of choice: I actually rarely eat cereal! When I do, I tend to weirdly like the "boring" grownup granola kind I would have turned my nose up at as a kid.

visual, auditory, or kinesthetic learner: Some combo of auditory and visual, not entirely sure. I can remember a lot from what I hear without notes, but I also recollect a lot of what I see/read, so...

first pet: A couple of tetra fish.

favorite scent: A light floral jasmine.

do you believe in astrology: I think anything that you can use to help discover more of yourself is interesting and that there's validity to it. I read my horoscope now and again to see what resonates, but really I can take it or leave it.

how many playlists on spotify/apple music: Several! I love exploring playlists, but I'm also lazy. Periodically I made a new one for myself or do one for a friend, but when making a "real" playlist I'm also obsessed with the flow being JUST RIGHT so they take forever (though I do also have "dump songs in playlists". My friend Emily makes incredible playlists though. She used to live above me when we both lived in a different building, and once there was music playing loudly and I messaged her and was like, 'hey, what are you playing???" and she was all "I'm sorry, I'll turn it down!" and I was like, "No! I'm not complaining, I am chilling to this hard!" So she burned me a couple of CD (this was like 10 years ago) of the playlists she'd made: "Love Songs For Lonely Foxes" inspired by the foxes by hour house and "I Miss Pear Crisp". She still sends me an excellent playlist now and again. Here's one: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3d0aHp9eEttSA1GZ1E8lcp?si=e1bd2c36dfc14869

sharpies or highlighters: Sharpies, but only for writing the address on packages. I like pens with really fine tips.

songs that make you cry: I can't really think of any that make me cry on my own. Music on its own not yet a tear trigger for me.

songs that make you happy: So many. I just love discovering new music. Or old music. I was Teamsing with an HQ colleague lately about The Rigs, The Civil Wars, The Weepies being a vibe I like, so thinking of those artists is making me happy lately!

do you write/draw/create: I do write, though I haven't been lately. I have been taking on some editing projects outside my day job. BUT my best friend and I did write and publish a kids' book this year, and we're both off in September (she's a constituency assistant so our territorial election means no job in September, so I planned some Leave With Income Averaging to coincide) so we are going do a writer's retreat for just over a week together to work on more... then I'll be hanging around BC for a few more weeks on my own to get inspired by the ocean and work on some of my own writing. Hopefully the Muse will appreciate the setting and become a little more activE

tagging but no pressure: @dresupi, @meghan84, @treaddelicately, @sapphireglyphs, @ANYONE who wants to! My brain is too tired to tag more! I'm an old potato who slept poorly, and needs to get a few more braincells back to rub together.

#tag game #tag meme

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atinycupofpositivitea · 9 months

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Journaling our 🍵 life tea 🍵

Today in a nutshell 🥜

I'm not feeling great although the day wasn't that bad. I haven't slept well, I haven't moved my body since the start of June, I am eating enough but not having good meals, I am crushed my anxiety, it is way too hot for the human body to function, and the only hobby I have nowadays is watching TV series in the hopes time passes soon. I have things to do but can't do them because I feel like one of those Sims with low score on most bars. I am doing pretty bad honestly and it is not helping because I should be doing so much or at least prepare mentally for September.

Things we feel grateful for ��

I am grateful for sources of inspiration.

Positive affirmations and self-love 💖

Days aren't good or bad, they're just days.

Things we hope and look forward to ☘️

I hope I have a nice dream.

Date: 24/07/2023

#positive mental attitude #positive thoughts #positivity #note to self #self love #mental health #self care #positive #self healing #2023 journal

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yr-obedt-cicero · 2 years

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Hi, yes, hello, I come with more questions. This one should be easy, unlike last time

I was watching a video on the burial of Mary Queen of Scots and that, for some reason, made me think, "Oh, I wonder where Burr was buried!" (Mary was buried twice, for those of you wondering).

So yes, that's my question. Where was our chaotic boi buried and what was his funereal like? I mean, most of his contemporaries were already dead.

He died in a pretty miserable way, honestly. His family was dead, and all that he had was Eliza Jumel, who of which; had stayed by his side during his ailment and helped nurse him, she did also immediately leave him upon recovery as the divorce would be finalized on the same day of his death.

This newspaper, Sacramento Daily Union, Volume 90, Number 33, 28 September 1895, gives a decent retelling of his — also miserable — funeral. Apparently, Port Richmond was careless with their funeral fundings and planning, and Burr's funeral was nothing extravagant, nor did anyone really notable attend. Aside from a interesting pair, a little girl, described as being twelve years of age, and what is believed to be her mother, whom were so devastated about Burr's death it is also believed they were relatives of his. As the little girl had referred to him as “grandpa”, and if I was to make a guess the woman was probably a mistress or somebody Burr had slept with, and the little girl was his illegitimate daughter. But there's nothing to classify who these people supposedly were, or if the girl was truly related to him, or anything. The story is hella vague. Anyway, he was buried at Princeton Cemetery;

“The funeral services at Port Richmond were very slimly attended on the day succeeding his death. No relatives or distinguished men were pointed out among the attendants at the funeral, and the services were very simple. His remains were taken to Princeton, N. J., where Colonel Burr's father had been a college professor and where more pretentious funeral services were held. On the day following Burr's death, and shortly before the funeral, a touching incident occurred, as related by the undertaker. Among those who came down from New York to Port Richmond on the early morning boat was a closely veiled lady in black, accompanied by a beautiful little girl of 12 years of age. They seemed to have come unaccompanied, and hung back timidly while the other visitors were passing into the room. When an opportune moment was reached and the lady thought she could do so unobserved, she turned and asked the undertaker if she might enter. The man said of the in-cident: "They both fell to weeping and sobbing unrestrainedly, the girl in a child's way and the woman passionately, as though her heart would break. She had raised her veil while giving way to her emotion, and showed the features of a still beautiful woman, on the near side of 40. I judged, after they had some-what composed themselves, that they were relatives of the dead man, and was confirmed in this belief by the remark of the child to the woman, as they were passing out of the room: "We will never see grandpa any more," which the woman, agonized voice, replied: "Hush, hush, my child," and they hurried away together. The lady may have been Theodosia, Col. Burr's ill-fated daughter. It may have been another daughter and grand-daughter, who cherished his memory, and may have been disowned, but that these two were relatives I have no doubt."”

(source)

#amrev #american history #american revolution #aaron burr #history #cicero's history lessons #asks #empressbitch

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someone-give-me-a-hug · 10 months

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update timeeee

Ello there guvnor! tis I! Huzzah!

Yeah i dont know what that was either. hello hello! much better. it has been a little longer than expected to update but i wanted to wait until after my exams finished to give you a reply!

first of all, i think I've only ever had a tomato once. my grandma gave me one and i felt too bad to say no after absolutely hating it. But hey maybe I’ll try it again! Beans however? well i could live off of beans on toast, which granted aren’t the beans you are probably on about but omg maybe its that British in me but beans on toast is an absolute banger of a meal (and was the first thing to come to mind after Bean Crock, which we eat in the winter, another classic).

To answer your very valid question about the number of exams i had, it was 21. 21 exams :) In all fairness exams sorted out my sleep schedule like a charm. i decided to get up at 6am everyday i had an exam so i could have breakfast and revise the content. which then meant i went to bed earlier (around 23:00) and slept like a log the whole night! the longest exam was 2 hours and 30 minutes. and let me tell you, i made a big fat mistake; i decided to take my friends advice and go through the paper backwards. what an oopsie that was. I ended up forgetting that the outside world even existed during that exam, it felt like lifetime! but honestly, oh well too late to change it now.

We had a BAV (Beliefs and values) exam (3 actually, catholic christianity, judaism and then philosphy and ethic) becuase it’s required to learn. we needed to use a source of wisdom and authority in most answers and the one i mustve used a hundred times was ‘Love thy neighbour’. I’m also pretty sure I made a few up but hey ho it’s done now.

It’s officially the summer holidays and school doesn’t start again until September so I’ve got so much time on my hands I have no clue what I’m gonna do! when I go back though I’m doing my Level 3 certifications (A-levels) in history, English lit and philosophy and ethics!

on the note of wildlife, there are so many birds in my garden it’s insane. I’m starting to think they’re building an army to come hunt me down and peck out my brains. although i doubt they eat brains, maybe I’ll have to stuff my pockets with seeds as a sacrifice. Also i had to search up what a bull moose was but oh good heavens THEY ARE HUGE!? I swear i’d literally cosplay Jesus and ascend to heaven if i saw one of them. I love the fact that you get to see wildlife, it’s so cool! I once got chased by a flock of geese and that was scary enough. I think geese talk to each other because they always seem to stare me down. Now listen, I may have a seriously moody resting face but come on! I just want to go about my day and here I am getting glared at by the most viscous bird ever. unfair if you ask me.

Oh oh oh! about the tumble drier situation, I have been known to lack common sense at times. For example, when i start a task and don’t plan ahead. Imagine I’m baking something and as I wash up i haven't got out a tea- towel to dry my stuff. i will freeze like a moose in headlights (see what i did there? eheh funny). It’s like i have no issue remembering what the emergency quota act did during the red scare in USA history yet if something is missing or new my brain just grows legs and goes on holiday.

In the words of my grandmother, if brains were made of dynamite i wouldn’t have enough to blow my cap off.

Random thought I had the other day to finish off: the saying ‘Hold you horses’ comes from literally slowing down a horse. like ‘stop, slow down’ ‘Hold your horses!’. it has taken me an unbelievably long time to realise that. like what else was ti meant to mean?! I’m literally as thick as a plank of wood sometimes.

Anyway, I hope you are well! I hope everything is good and that you’re good!

Love ya! Little sib!

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navi-tales · 7 months

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Happy 1st Anniversary

Sunset, Beach, Candlelit dinner, Fairy lights, I remember so vividly how I always dreamed of having this kind of date, but it was with a faceless person, I actually never see a specific person but I just knew in my heart that one day, it will happen. And then there's you and it feels like every dream that I've been dreaming of, I cannot think of anyone to fulfill it but with you. No matter how little or huge it may be, all I know is I just want it to be you.

We planned this date few days ago and I always look forward to this day, aside from of course, it is a celebration of 365 days of love, it is also a living proof that hope is still alive and dreams do come true.

We started the day with a full rest because we had a very good massage last night and we agreed not to plan anything today aside from the dinner at night, we had a wonderful breakfast and we slept, we had a little argument because some things didn't work out the way we planned but glad that we were able to solve it right away.

One of the highlights of the day was, weeks before this day, we are already monitoring the weather because September is rainy season in Krabi, Thailand, but of course we manifest and hope that it will be a good weather. For the last 2 days that we were here, the weather was really good, so we're kind of confident that the Sun is gonna do its thing to make it work for us. HAHAHA

But, at 3pm, heavy rains start to pour and we received a message from the staff of our dinner that since the weather is not good, they have to move us to the restaurant or pavilion. It was a bad news of course, honestly, I really feel bad because we really want this but I also need to feel okay cause I don't wanna ruin the day because of that and what really matters the most is we're here and I get to celebrate this day with you regardless of where we are and what we do as long as I'm with you, everything is gonna be okay.

So we went to Tubkaak, it's a known resort in Krabi for its prestige ambience and for its beach candle lit dinner setup. As we walk going to the pavilion, heavy drops are still falling from the dark skies but it wasn't pouring as scattered as it was an hour ago. The staff welcomed us, we noticed that they are still setting up the table in pavilion so we decided to walk around the beach, it was really beautiful, even though there's still a bit of a rain, the sun didn't hide itself as the darkness tries to consume all its lights.

As I watch the sunset slowly diminishing in the clouds towards the infinite ocean touching the sands on my feet, I stare at you in the most unobvious way, and I just saw everything in your eyes. I saw everything that I needed, everything that I wanted and every little thing that I prayed and hoped for and the only feeling that is consuming my soul is gratefulness, Yes, I am forever grateful for having you in this lifetime, in this world where you plan things and there are times that it didn't work your way but only to figure out that better plans are ahead of you.

Like how this day worked out for us, Just when the moon is about to shine and the sun was totally covered in darkness, the rain stops. The sand was dry and all the candles and fairy lights were lightened up and the brightness glares on your beautiful face and I was in full awe. The staff quickly setup the beach table like how we planned and It was so dazzlingly spectacular.

The dinner went so well, we had an exquisite dinner, we exchange gifts, we looked back on our first dates and conversations and how we started. We also reflect on the matters that kept us moving and ignite our union, it was a bewildering feeling that I get to do this with the right person, with the love of my life, with no one but you.

I look forward to many more anniversaries with you and of course we have to beat this one, but this will definitely one of my favorites. I love you so much My Love.

You have my heart until the universe meets its ends.

-R★

#navi-tales #navitales #kismet

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kinetic-elaboration · 8 months

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September 9: Thoughts

Just got out of the shower. Surveying the wasted wreckage of this week.

I feel like I should have taken yesterday off. As a sick day. I sort of knew it at the time but I felt so guilty for being a big part of the reason I felt as bad as I did, but honestly, who cares? I had no business being at work. I did almost nothing. Most of what I did is probably riddled with errors. And also most importantly, I’m a human being, and I am in such bad shape right now.

Anyway, I don’t mean to complain. I’m just… not really sure of anything right now. I know I’ve done damage to myself and I’m not sure how much or how to fix it. I slept for 14 hours last night. I woke up and thought it had only been 1 hour (it was raining at the time so there wasn’t much natural light). I got up to get a painkiller for my headache and then lay back down, but then I was like, why am I so awake if I only slept an hour? And then I realized the real time. So that’s a lot of disorientation.

I have pretty well decided that it’s not possible to finish my Troped fic on time. I know I still have a decent chunk of time and so that might sound very defeatist but I also know how much of the outline I have left and… it would really take a lot to finish. Maybe I’m not at the point where it’s impossible but I am at the point where it would require a gargantuan effort to finish on time, more than I have expended yet probably, and the amount of effort I want to spend is actually trending in the opposite direction. I think that this challenge has been good for me: writing a lot, prioritizing writing—my word count for August is probably equal to my whole writing word count for the calendar year so far tbh. But I think I’ve gotten to the end of the benefits. I don’t want to stress about it. I don’t want this hobby to be a problem or a burden.

All of which probably sounds pretty obvious. You don’t feel like you’re having fun anymore doing something that is not in any way a requirement for you? Then stop! But I do feel guilty. I am disappointed. And I do worry that if I slow down TOO much, I’ll lose the thread or just not finish or end up with another WIP haunting me on that list I’m trying to whittle down.

I don’t want to stop working on it. That’s not the plan. The plan is just to stop worrying about the dates, to work on it with some speed and as a priority but not to completely give up doing anything else and to also take my time to edit and so on. One thing that’s becoming tough is that, as it’s a time loop, I have to re-write scenes and I’m… not interested in doing that and I also worry that that is coming through. I wasn’t worried about it but I’ve started editing and I’m on the first loop and I feel like it’s not sufficiently clear what is happening physically, since I’m so deep in a character’s head, trying not to be repetitive but to give a point of view on the whole thing.

So. I still have a certain fire to get it over with because I want to move on to other things and I want to post but I don’t think I can continue t care about the deadline. Have I convinced myself yet? I still do want to write tomorrow and I am still excited for these next scenes. I think I might… still toying with this… post the first part toward the point where the deadline hits. It’s a gamble: if people like it, it could inspire me to keep writing. If there’s just crickets, it might demoralize me. We’ll see.

#the year 2023 #2023: rl #2023: writing thoughts

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tkswlsk · 8 months

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3rd September 2023

3:32 am

To you

Quite honestly, my life has absolutely fell apart since you left, i am left in shambles with no one i can speak my mind to, so i text you in between busy days, "Do you miss me like i miss you?"

In my last letter to you, i wrote I didn't want to name what we had, it was beyond anything a mere word could hold. We were not friends, we were not lovers, I wouldn't dare call ourselves soulmates either, we were two people so completely absorbed into the other that when you left,i believe a part of me left with you, i'd say the very best part.

I often read our old texts, i try to make myself understand that nostalgia just makes everything feel a hundred times better. I lie to myself. I go through our texts, i go through your letters, i go through the story you wrote me before you left, i go through the books you left, i see the bizarre things you'd do on a daily basis for me, painting me or writing me a poem, sending my name to mars lol, open fan accounts for me, and just think only how much of your life was about me. And just how much was mine about you. You were always there, through every heartbreak and every ignorant man i fought online, you were with me. Making sure you never slept without having me fall asleep, making sure i wasn't suffocating myself with my thoughts.

Of all the years i've spent intertwining my life with yours, my favourite bit has to be the last. as memorable and fun in the most childish way we were before, after your mother died something changed in us, both of us. Do you remember you calling me from the hospital balcony? It was during the pandemic, and i'd stay awake all night in case you'd call. I knew, you were alone in the hospital room. I remember how you said you couldn't cry, i remember asking your friends to visit you, i even remember consoling your girlfriend when she complained she hadn't heard from you. I remember everything, and i remember everything way too much to let anything go.

After the December, i tried to create a balance in my university life and my life with you. After what happened, i didn't have the heart in me to leave you alone for a second. I remember missing classes to watch movies with you, or sit silently in daylong calls with you. I didn't want there to be a moment when you needed me and i wasn't there. So i did my best. And as time went by, you healed, very slowly but you started making jokes again.

May happened, i remember sitting on a call prior to leaving for rs with you. i remember almost crying thinking i will not make friends, i'd keep asking you to keep texting me, you promised you would. And you kept it, even on days that were painfully lonely, i had a text from you. on boring afternoons you'd ring up my phone. There was not a moment when i needed you and you weren't there. but thing was, i was purposefully cooped up in my self build cage all my life, the new version of me surprised me. I had never opened myself up so much, the new, the exciting got the best of me. And for most part, i wasn't even me. Consequentially, with you i was absent.

Do you remember the afternoon you called me to let me know you were leaving later that month? T heard the whole conversation and said "No one will find anything like the two of you". i silently nodded.

i remember your sniffles and i remember wiping my tears aggressively so that my roommates don't see. I remember you, as i remember me. I felt betrayed, ever since we were teens we planned on going abroad for college together and now you're leaving, you're leaving me behind. i knew just like me, the new the exciting will also be the reason for your absence in my life, i was being selfish, i wanted you to stay right where you were, right where you always had been. i knew i won't have your unopened text every time i checked anymore, i won't have your missed calls on my call logs no longer.

So, we drifted apart, just as i expected. I never actually found someone like you, but then again it'd be impossible to. Unless i take birth again and spend the most vulnerable years of my life, sharing every single detail and thought with someone like you. I still listen to bestfriend on the days i can't seem to grasp the idea of losing what i had. I still read Eleanor and Park and the note i wrote for you, i wish i could've given it to you.

I think i'll fail tomorrow, but i couldn't sleep without writing to you.

Love

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mylifeonprivate · 10 months

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07.05.22

I’m going to start journaling again. I did it on an app on my phone the other day but Tumblr is just easier for the handoff capability between my phone and my laptop. I’ll copy here the brief summary of the events that have transpired over the six months after Andrew and I broke up.

“Where did that leave me? I was absolutely devastated. I gave my virginity to this guy, shared so much of myself, introduced him to my family as the guy I’d marry, and now I’m all alone. I never felt more alone. I felt a certain kind of “alone” during the relationship but this post-break up state of being alone made being alive the most exhausting thing I could think of.

I started using the dating apps. It was nerve-wracking but weirdly entertaining. It got me out of the house for sure. At first I was hesitant and shy, and mainly just talked to guys, but I started going on dates in June. I really wanted another boyfriend so I was trying to be meticulous about my choices. By the end of the month, I was already kind of fatigued with the dating game. Having the same conversations over and over took the fun out of it.

I went on a date with Joseph during the first week of July but I was so in my head about it that I didn’t give it the credit it deserved. He really was the only one I felt like I could speak honestly about the dating lifestyle with. Probably part of me thought that merely having that conversation made him not into me. Either way, my dad got his cancer diagnosis the week after that.

Joseph and I fell out of contact and I went on other dates. I almost slept with a guy named Andrew. He made me watch two horrible horror movies before trying to get me to spend the night. I regret going on that date but I’m so glad I didn’t sleep with him.

Joseph snapped me again after a little while and I asked if we could go on another date. We had said we would hang out on Sunday but he forgot, and offered to hang out with me that following Thursday. It was the best date I’d ever gone on. We talked so long at dinner that we almost missed the movie. I enjoyed the movie so much, and made a move in the theater. We made out in his truck afterwards and I asked if he’d let me stay over. We went to his place and had sex, after which he told me he wasn’t really looking for a girlfriend. That was a blow. I’ll never forget that feeling. I’d just given myself to a guy again and this time was instantly punished for it. At that point, I said fuck it and slept with the next three guys that I vibed with. Joseph and I were hanging out and having sex, but I never forgot that he’d said he didn’t want a girlfriend. So I continued seeing the other guys too. I looped in my friends at work. They all had their opinions and comments. I was just living it up, I told them, having my hot girl summer.

At the beginning of September, Joseph blindsided me by asking me to be his girlfriend. Of course, I said yes. He was clearly the favorite and everyone at work knew that too. It was too good an opportunity to pass up, despite how wildly unready I was. I was in no state of mind to be a girlfriend. So painfully unprepared, I slept with two more guys in that next week. Why did I sleep with them, when I knew Joseph was the one I wanted? There’s a million possible reasons. I didn’t trust Joseph with my feelings, and I wanted to hurt him before he hurt me. I was running on pure impulse. I didn’t want to cancel the plans I already had with the others in case something went wrong with my relationship Joseph. There’s no good answer. I cheated on him. TWICE. He found out that I’d seen someone else about two weeks later after we had sex on the day I got my IUD placed. I’d never had anyone yelling at me like he did that night. He called me a whore and made me feel disgusting for seeing other people while I was seeing him. And after going through my phone, he found out I went on a date after us becoming official. He pushed me out of the way, left my place after I chased him out, but we stayed together after that.

Every now and then he’d get angry about that. He found out about how I’d woken up naked on the couch after hanging out with a friend from high school. Then finally in December, before we were going to the Trail of Lights, he found out about the second date I went on. He really lost it then. He hit me for the first time.

We were already planning on taking a trip to Boston to spend Christmas with his family. He was so distraught over the idea of breaking up before this trip that instead he decided to relapse to cope with his emotions. So he was actively relapsing and physically abusing me when we went on this trip.”

He admitted one of those nights when he was really drunk that he’d slept with a few transgender women. I wanted to thank him for being vulnerable so I admitted that I slept with a guy in that first week we were dating and I went on two other dates.

It was supposed to be a really special time but it was completely overshadowed by the fact that I’d been hiding so many details and lying and gaslighting him over and over again. He’d be very vulnerable and honest with me about it and I’d still lie because I couldn’t afford to feel the way I felt before him and after Andrew. But the fact is, I never processed that breakup and all I was doing was hurting him and myself by letting that shit just sit and rot within me. I would tell him I knew this fact, but still kept lying. This was coupled by the fact that he was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusing me and I was traumatized, which made me want to come clean even less than I already did.

He went out with his friends in March and got drunk and high and ended up in a strip club. He had told me his battery was dying even though I knew it was a lie. He messaged me from his friends instagram telling me to come get him from the strip club. I’ve never been to a fucking strip club. We went in and he paid for me to get a dance and then for us to get a dance as a couple. He said he’d slept with two strippers and I got really uncomfortable and we left. That night he kept doing coke and went through my phone and found out about the other guy I slept with during the first week of our relationship. More abuse came from that.

He went to detox following that episode and decided that he really wanted to be with me and that we could work on this.

A week later at the beginning of April, shit blew up again after we went to the movies, but he got appendicitis and I had to take care of him.

A week after THAT, he started drinking again. His birthday was ruined because we were fighting. I came home after he’d kicked me out and really broke it down that I knew I needed to put in more work. He seemed to have a change of heart after that conversation and really tried to focus on getting better. We even got a dog.

A month later, he relapsed while on work trips and had a horrible episode at the beginning of May related to some texts I had deleted from my coworker. He started drinking that Sunday morning and continued into the evening. He told me to take the dog out and snuck out of the house to go get cocaine. I tracked his location going back and forth between strip clubs. I called him and he said he was dealing and wouldn’t be back until late. He came home at 11 and told me he loved me. He had blood on his shirt and told me he’d had a gun at his head twice that night.

A day or two after that, he said it’d probably be best for him to go back to rehab. I told him I would fully support that. His mom helped us out and I dropped him off that Wednesday. We wouldn’t be able to talk or text so we started writing letters. Since he decided to go in, he was really positive and has been that way even through the last month that he’s been home.

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minnasankyuu · 11 months

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Everyone, thank you!

Welcome everyone!

I'm making this blog in an attempt to discuss a lot of things I thought I'd actually be creating and making to share with the world. My ultimate dream of creation, if you will. I'd be making videos on YouTube or already have my art posted honestly if I had the energy to do so.

Which is why I'm here. I haven't had the energy to really create in the medium I'm used to. At a time in my life where I should feel the most energized, I'm not working a soul sucking job, and I'm at the most peace I've ever been... my health is what's turned on me. So, I have to discuss that first unfortunately before I dive into what I want to be a wonderful world of creativity and better discussion.

The TL;DR: I'm not sure what it is, but it's been debilitating. I'm worried it may be something serious.

The long story: Sometime back in September 2022, I felt rib pain at work. A few days later, I'm still not sure what happened but it felt either a heart attack, panic attack, or stroke. I could see fine, limbs were still working, I could talk, I just felt like I really needed to throw up with a general sense of I need help. Urgent care said I should go to emergency. Emergency showed I was normal.

I lived. But my body felt really weak and fatigued over the next few days. I felt constant shocks and tingling sensations in my right face, right arm, right ribs, pelvis, and left leg. I could see out of each eye just fine, but at certain times, I could feel it kinda' going in and out. You know, like that feeling you get when you're just not really focused on any particular thing or you're spacing out? That feeling. I went to urgent care to see if they could do something, then I went to a doctor for blood tests... all normal. So, I didn't think much of it. I was still able to go and work, but it was a chore. I had drank so much water and my body still felt drained. I couldn't even eat. I had dropped like 5 pounds not by choice, but because eating felt like I had to force it. I was light-headed and just in pain.

Then, one day, trying to do a push up, I felt so frustrated at how tired my body was that I started to cry on the floor. It felt like I messed up something bad. But then, I grabbed a Gatorade out of the fridge and felt like I had energy again that I hadn't felt in days. I could eat normal. I thought maybe I was overhydrating to compensate for what happened.

Still feel the weird nerve pain for a few months, I went to the ER before I finally started my new job. I had to know if I messed something up. How bad was it. And... my tests came back normal. I was worried about gallstones, liver, kidney, kidney stones... and nothing. CT scan came back normal. It was a relief. So, I thought maybe it's just something that happened that day that would just get better over time.

As I adjusted to not constantly being on my feet and forcing myself to push through on my foot I had broken years ago, the nerve pain started to... get better/change. I also noticed that as I started sitting more, the nerve pain moved. Almost as if I was pinching something or maybe a disc slipped. It would make sense, my gait worsened over the years and I have gotten to a point where my right shoulder is slumped bad and forward (even before the incident). My right hip sits very high in comparison to my left. When I plant both feet on the ground, my left sits comfortably where at times, my right foot is either tight or my heel is raised.

One day, I realized that where I slept on my bed wasn't great: I actually had my right side somewhat off the edge and close to the wall. Tired of all the pain, I adjusted my body started focusing on my posture. I slept in the middle of my bed. And boy... what an experience that was. My rib cage felt like it inflated and swole up and for the next few days just a wave of pain moved from there, to my shoulder, to my face and felt like it was going to take over my brain. It was very creepy and frightening. I had tension headaches and weird nerve shocks crawling in my lip and neck. But, my doctor told me once I told him I adjusted how I slept maybe this was all just musculoskeletal.

Well, that might be right, I'm not sure. Suddenly however, I remember feeling really chipper and good about work. I went to go plop down in my seat and as I did, it felt like a bolt or shock ran down my left arm. Suddenly, my work felt clumsy. I was typing things that used to feel automatic incorrectly. And all I could think about was my left arm now getting this pain.

I went to ER that day and talked about the pain I had been feeling because I was in fear of this being something serious. The triage guy was in a mood that day and was really rude to the lady before me who had broken her ankle and to me when I explained the pain. I spent 6 hours waiting (most likely because the triage guy classified my pain low) and all I got was an anxiety/panic attack diagnosis. They saw my previous CT and based it off that. I asked if they could at least examine my spine and got a no. So, I went home, out $300, disappointed.

I stopped by CVS and got one of those electrolyte mixer things, chugged one before I went to sleep, and just passed out. I actually slept nearly on my stomach, I was that frustrated. And suddenly, four hours later even without food, I felt like nothing in my body was wrong and I could run a whole marathon. It was surreal. So, I bought packs of them thinking maybe there's just an electrolyte imbalance. But... that would wear off. What I found was that actually, sometimes depending on how I slept, my body would react differently.

So, things were well enough that I fought through it. Then, May... things got weird. I started feeling more queasy at work. Sleeping posture stopped mattering. I started therapy (which I wanted to do to talk about my life issues anyway, but this ended up being a bigger thing that my doctor sent me to because of his anxiety conclusion). But the therapy person scared me off so hard from going there ever again (I think she had the idea that my depression was from a mental thing, not that I'm in literal physical pain and it's been affecting me). She suggested Desvenlafaxine to start (she did explain the side effects, which scared me even more) and then said the worst thing she could have: the possibility of going to ketamine. Fuck no.

I never found more will power in my life, but I still felt ill. I just powered through a lot of it. Until we went to a fun little golf thing where you just tee off and hit a ball as far as you could. It was a lot of fun. Except, I realized something: my peripheral vision in my right eye was weird. Like, I could see the field just find but I was really looking hard to the right to look at anything that way. Not only that, but after all the swinging, I felt super queasy. We all sat down to eat (and let me say it now, I could throw down. You could put a 1/2 pound burger in front of me and I'll still probably eat even more after) and I grabbed a small, small plate of food and I started to eat and thought I couldn't fit anymore. Thankfully we were all talking so I used that as an excuse to not really eat as much. But it took me 30+ minutes to get through it.

I called out of work and told them I was going to the doctor the next day because I felt like hell when I came home from it. Just felt like a bunch of gastrointestinal stuff just made me feel like crap and my nerves were acting up again. I begged for a neurologist during my visit (which hopefully I can see next month) and I also scheduled a visit with an ophthalmologist about the vision.

Welp, go figure that out of all the doctors I've seen, the ophthalmologist was somehow the most helpful and caring. They did initial testing and he heard out the incident in September. He looked puzzled at first, but I know what that look is because I do it sometimes: he's trying to understand why something is off. He did some testing based on what I said and finally, he found something and I didn't feel insane. All the Simmons that I brought up concerned him unlike the other doctors who just said I'm normal. I have convergence insufficiency, which made a lot of sense with how I felt my vision felt like fine yet off. But he noticed how off it was and genuinely asked did I have any difficulties learning growing up. I laughed and told him it was such a non-issue I nearly got skipped from first grade to fourth grade. He said I should be seeing a neurologist ASAP and how I hadn't been to one yet. I had to explain my PCP never referred me and instead suggested therapy for the nerve pain because he thought it was depression/anxiety.

Which leaves me here now where my sleep has been very off. It's difficult to rest, I feel like I can hear everything in my body, and I'm kind of waiting to see doctors who can diagnose what's wrong. My fear is it's serious and man, I don't want to never get out thoughts and creations I've thought about out without actually sharing them. Even if writing is the only way I can do so.

So, that's why we're here. I know this is a rough introduction for what I promise will be way more constructive and fun, but it's the reason why I'm here. Enjoy my musings and writings. It's what I have the energy for. And I hope someday I can actually create some of these and make them reality. And also that some thoughts I have are provoking and help open up a better world.

Thank you for reading!

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squirrel-the-adhd-mom · 2 years

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Chapter 3- Uh oh… The fuck??

9/28/2022

Wednesday the 28th of September, the year is 2022. HUMP DAY. Or in my current state of mind fuck this day.

Waking up overstimulated. Why does this happen? I honestly don’t know why it does for others but for me it seems to be because I was sleeping incredibly well (everyone in the house was) and my alarm went off before my body was ready to wake up. This means that for the remainder of the day my normal triggers will be extra sensitive and things that normally don’t bother me probably will. Theme song for days like this is “Break Stuff” by Limp Bizkit.

Bugs. I do NOT like bugs. Specifically grasshoppers, moths, earwigs or other jumpy bugs. So you will laugh at me when I say panic set in after I felt something on my foot inside my shoe. Maybe a piece of lint? Don’t over think it Mikayla. Then I felt it again so I took my shoe off to remove it. Shoe off, looking down and to my surprise.. more like nearly my demise. A god damn EARWIG. Don’t scream Mikayla, don’t scream. Deep overstimulated breathes. I am still alive.

Easy does it, right? Maybe for some but lately it’s like calm and collected is the opposite of what my son needs to achieve the day. So I mentioned everyone slept really well! That meaning Theo too. So guess who also got woken up before he was ready? Yep, Theo. Which means this morning is going to be TOUGH. Think positive, Mikayla. That’s the only chance you’ve got. Calm and collected.

“Mom I want to wear shorts!”

“Okay! These are the two pairs you have that are clean.”

Instant whining, crying, pouting

“Mom, those do not fit they are for fat boys. I am not a fat boy.”

Brain: “where in the hell did he learn this statement?”

“No, Theo they are not. That’s how boys shorts fit and even if they are a little big there is a draw string!”

Screaming, yelling, fighting.

Okay, I left Theo to his devices again. After 30 minutes of temper tantrum he came down stairs in sweatpants. Mind you after throwing a fit because they were to hot. Lord help me. Deep breathes. He is dressed!

After dropping the kids off at school I am headed to drop the babies off at Brandis house. On the way the their I could sworn I heard Ryann (2) say “fuck.” I ignored it so it wouldn’t turn into anything and it didn’t. I just responded with “uh oh.” Kids man I swear they are little sponges. That being said I mentioned to me words are words. This is also how I parent because they word bitch, ass, fuck, shit or whatever wasn’t a swear word u til it was labeled one by someone else. There is a time a place for such words and this is what I teach my children also. I will be the first to tell you that sometimes, actually most of the time “frick” doesn’t even begin to cover the way I am feeling. So when my kids get home from a crappy day at school and they want to scream the f word in their room, so be it. I feel you kid. Not to mention there are so many positive uses of the words to, for example: “I had the best fucking day!” Or “I am a badass!” I could name many more more but you get the gist.

Wow. My Addi threatened somebody at school today… That is unheard of. It takes a lot for that little girl to get so mad that she threatens them. It was justified, sort of, and she felt terrible about it. I’m still just shocked. Well and a little proud that she stood up for her self. I may teach her “sticks and stone break my bones but words don’t hurt me” although I know words are hurtful, instead of “I am going to break your arms and legs.”

Currently I’m sitting on the side of the road waiting on our mechanic to bring me more straps. Because this load fucking sucks. I fell on my ass tightening these god damn straps and I am not going to get home till like 9pm at this point. FUCK.

9pm… I would’ve taken that. It’s 10 now and my wind down phase is barely started. Blah. You’ll probably hear me say this more than once but sometimes people truly SUCK. Today was one of those days. I got to location and the spot I had to lay my trusses was not that great. Mind you i was damn near 80 ft long tip to tail. The trusses themselves were 62 ft and I’d be damned if i was lucky enough to have a first time back in and a decent offload considering I don’t drive this truck but once a month anymore. Well you’ll be happy to know I am not damned and well backing in and offloading was nothing short of a nightmare. Not to mention the damn home owners showing up and panicking thinking I was going to break all their trusses. Alright tanto relax if one truss breast you still have 79 more that are still useable. Needless to say my blood was boiling ramming it into reverse trying like hell to get there to roll. It was NOT happening. So half of them fell off the wife thought I was going to run them over. RELAX people I know how to do my job. At this point I’m in boarder line tears right simply from being over stimulated. Mind you I don’t cry. When I cry something is wrong. Luckily no one was around to see that fuckery unfold and the truck was loud enough to muffle my screaming.

Kids were in bed when I got home so not much to report there. Happy to be in bed so I am going to try and let the shut down phase finish up so maybe, just maybe I can sleep. Goodnight.

#adhd brain #adult adhd #living with adhd #mom life #successful #trucknation #cdllife

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storiedtreasures88 · 2 years

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Looking back... I think what I remember most was the 'Peace' that prevailed... yet then again I was so young and naive. One could hardly blame anyone, not even a kid, for taking this worldview for granted. Yes, there was peace... a strange, subtle, 'even' sort of peace... Not much to speak of that I can recall honestly... . The old war movies I watched with my Grandpa were just that... movies. The only notion that the world was in any way shape or form a destructive & evil place came in the form of a bomb attack on a US Navy ship (Cole) yet still there was nothing that could have prepared me, as I slept on September 10th, 2001 for the world that was to be come morning. . When I look back, I remember the events of THAT day quite clearly, the sights, sounds, and emotions all permanently ingrained within... but when I think back to the day BEFORE... I cannot help but be reminded of a poem, by Titanic survivor Jack Thayer... of which I will paraphrase... .. "There was peace, and the world had an even tenor to its ways. True enough, from time to time there were events -- catastrophes & tragedies like great floods, wars, great earthquakes, random acts of violence, or building unrest in the Middle East-- which stirred our sleeping world, but not enough to keep it from resuming its slumber. . It seems to me that the tragedy about to occur was an event which not only made the world rub its eyes and awake... but woke it with a start! Keeping us moving at a rapidly accelerating pace ever since, with less and less peace, satisfaction, and happiness.... . "In my mind... the world of today awoke September 11th, 2001." .. Didn't have to paraphrase much... . September 11th is a day that will long be remembered... and which will always be FELT long after I, and all those who can remember the horrors we saw that day, have passed over into that eternal realm... the realm that saw the sudden arrival of so many of our fellow Brothers, Sisters, Wives, Husbands, Sweethearts, Children, and loved ones. . As long as I live... I will ALWAYS remember the 11th of September, 2001. . #remember911 #september11 #2001 #patriotday #rememberourfallen #worldtradecenter #iremember #911 #nyc https://www.instagram.com/p/CiYGAr8vQM_/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

#remember911 #september11 #2001 #patriotday #rememberourfallen #worldtradecenter #iremember #911 #nyc

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