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darknessismynewfriend · 6 years

Text

I Am So Empty I'm Just Running On Fumes

I feel like I can't breath all the time

If I do anything I get reminded of him

If I look at my bed directly on

I remember him laying there as I'm about to lay next to him

If I'm already on, no matter what position I'm in, I can picture him next to me smiling

I look at the T.V I think of how we would always watch movies when he came over

I smell something I get reminded

I sometimes pass a random stranger on the street and smell one of them wearing his cologne

I know logically he's not there but I still look anyways to pinpoint the person wearing a similar cologne

I'm even tempted to go up to them and ask what they're wearing to see if it's the same one he said he wore until it discontinued

That way if it's the same he'll have another bottle and a place to buy it

Or if it's different he'll have a new cologne that smells almost the same

Then maybe when he gets back I could give it to him as a present

Even if we're just friends...

And if I never see him again...

I could have it just for me to smell occasionally when I really miss him

That's another thing

When I went to his house last I was really warm from taking the buses and walking there so I had sweat a lot and made my shirt kinda wet

Then spent the entire time either laying on his bed, cuddling him or hugging him

So inadvertently I had made my shirt smell like him because the moisture soaked up all the scent

A fact I had realized when I came home and changed having pulled the shirt over my head and immediately getting an overwhelming smell of him

Causing me to freeze then press the shirt to my nose

Yeah I know

Amazing how creepy love can make you right?

To add to that I keep the shirt in a safe place so if I actually have the courage to be reminded I can smell it again to reminisce and feel contented by it

It's funny

I didn't realize it at the time but that wasn't the only thing that got his scent on it

About 3 days later I kept smelling him all day in my house

It was driving me fucking crazy!

I couldn't figure out where the fuck it was coming from!

I was already feeling bad enough at the prospect that he didn't want to talk to me at the moment and may never again that remembering him was a difficulty, let alone smelling him everywhere I turned

At one point it got to be too much that I broke down and started to cry, putting my hand to my mouth to stifle the crying, getting the scent once again

I started to smell my hand only to end at the hair tie around my wrist

Belatedly realizing I had wore it around my wrist to his house

I stared to laugh at myself and my own stupidity

I having forgot about it and was starting to think I was going crazy and hallucinating smelling him everywhere

There are certain things I can't do anymore

I can't watch certain movies and shows

Like The Princess and The Frog or one of my favorite movies Strange Magic because those are the movies we watched when he first came over

I can't watch Inuyasha because that's what we watched when we first kissed and decided to date, being each others boyfriend and girlfriend

I can't watch Little Witch Acadamia because I was starting to get him to watch it, reluctantly mind you, but he was staring to like it

I can't watch Hot Fuzz because he was getting me to watch it

I can't watch El Dorado because we watched it when he came over for a date at my house

I can't watch Wakfu because he was trying to get me to watch that too

I can't watch Rio the movie because it reminds me of how he was born in Brazil and how much he loved it there

I'm cautious of Glitter Force and Supernatural because I was going to start getting him to watch that too but never got around to it

I can't watch Deadpool or even look at something Deadpool realated because it reminds me of he and I

I can't look at my own bed because it reminds me of him

I can't look at my drawer holding his sunglasses that he said he would get back next visit because he forgot them

Their glowing metallic yellow eyes shining up at me everytime I look down into the depths of the drawer

I can't look at nor hold the bottle that contains the spell he made for me to help my anxiety lest I want to increase it instead

I have difficulty going to the chinese food place I love at all because everytime he came over we'd get two orders of potstickers and share

I can't watch anything involving addiction, the military; specifically the Marines, anything Brazilian or voodoo or it'll remind me of him and the need to cry will rise yet again, thus I try to avoid them

I can't look at things with weddings because I'm reminded of how he said he might have to propose one day and I tried not to get my hopes up

And failed spectacularly

I can't look at couples, especially if married, whether it be young or old, I'm reminded of how much I loved being with him and wanted to marry him then grow old together

I can't look at babies or toddlers with their parents because I'm reminded of how I was already looking forward to having a baby and raising kids with him

I can't listen to This is America by Childish Bambino because it came out the day he broke up with me

I can't listen to Dua Lipa New Rules or the Cups When I'm Gone song because he sang them a handful of times

I can't listen to Ispy by KYLE or Animal by the Neon Trees because he sang them at the audition I went to with him

I Cant listen to Little Do You Know by Alex and Sierra because it fits too well with the situation and makes me slightly hopeful that the males part is true for him too

And I sure as shit can't listen to I Like Me Better by Lauv because it's our song and will overwhelm me with memories of when we first met then got together and how happy we were then immediately break down and cry

I can't take off the braclet he gave to me on my birthday because I feel anxious and scared to lose the last thing he gave to me with love

But on the same coin I can't stare at it too long or I'll start to remember that he said he put as much love as he could into it to show me how he felt which just ends up making me cry because I don't know if I'll ever see him again

My mind is my own enemy

I can't think of the good memories too long or I'll cry for what was and what I may never have again

I can't think of the bad at the very end and how besides those last two days he had never done anything to hurt me before or I'll cry

I can't look at his picture

Or watch his videos

Or I'll cry

I cry for the loss

And for missing him and wanting nothing more than for him to be here so I can hold his face in my hands, kiss him and say how much I love him

I can't look at his Tumblrs

Or his texts

Or Snapchats

Or I'll remember how happy we were and then how he blocked me

Then only reversed it because I begged

How I felt like he was just using me like a toy when I visited his house last because he was trying so hard to be detached

How I want to talk about what's wrong but fear being seen as complaining or a martyr

How I'll cry because it's been a month and I don't know if he'll send me a letter from bootcamp if at all

How I don't know if he'll text or call now that he has his phone since he posted something on Tumblr and that maybe instead he's going to ignore me the entire time which is painful to think on as well

How whenever I see something involving the Marines, addiction, anything Brazilian, or voodoo randomly I'm suddenly stuck to the spot with my throat feeling tight at the sudden reminder of him

I feel empty all the time so I attempt to distract myself

But the problem with that is that I don't want to do anything

I don't want to do chores

I don't want to go out

I don't want to talk to anyone

Even through text

I don't want to play with my dogs

I don't want to draw

I don't want to listen to music

Or watch Youtube

Or T.V

Or Netflix

I don't want to sit

Or sleep

Or eat

Or even live

All I want is him

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our-lovely-universe · 7 years

Note

All the numbers, punk!!!

1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now? lol I'm not really?2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone? my girlfriend sends me good morning snapchats everyday 💞💞3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care? No, as long as it's not all the time.4: Do you find it easy to trust others? Oh yeah for sure! My uncle always says I'm super naive and need to stop trusting everyone I meet lol5: What were you doing at 11PM last night?sleeping 😴😴😴6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you? Hopefully someone that isn't drunk and knows where we are going haha7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on? Dump that person.8: Are you close with your dad? No not at all, I haven't seen my bio dad since I was 3 and then the man who basically raised me (who I call my real father) left me when I was 9 or 10, we only just now reconnected last year and we are still not close.9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right? Umm no unless you count kissing my little cousins goodnight 😂😂10: What are you listening to? New rules by dua lipa11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it? Tea! I'm addicted to it lol12: Do you like hickeys? Heck yeah! Lol which is really weird for an asexual but I think they are more intimate than sexual.13: What time do you go to bed? If I have work I like to be in bed by like 10:30 cause I have to be up at 5:30 am but if I have nothing to do I usually don't fall asleep until 3am.14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down? My mother. I don't know how many chances I give her and she still disappoints me..15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both? Yeah I think I can, though my texts are more sloppy lol (I did this one with one hand)16: Do you always answer your texts?I do but it may take forever. Sometimes days!!!! I forget about texts all the time hahaha17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for? Well I choose not to hate people, but I don't have respect for that person. They lied to me and always found a way to make me be the bad guy in a fight.18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? Well I Snapchat my best friend everyday (even tho she is terrible at keeping a streak!) but it's been awhile since we have seen each other 😭😭19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them? My littles cousins. They are the light of my life 💞💞20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? Well I like to go over everything in my life that is stressful at night because why the fuck not?!?! So I was probably thinking about all the shit that happened yesterday 😒😒21: Is anyone else in the room with you? Nope, I'm alone, or at least I hope so!!22: Do you believe what goes around comes around? I mean I guess?? I never really thought about it. I mean I always say be kind and kindness will come back so I guess that's the same lol23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now? Honestly no. Probably the same maybe a little worse.24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with? My dad. Even after him leaving me for another family, I really want us to be able to work things out.25: In the past week, have you cried? Oh yeah, I've cried in the last hour lol26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing? Blue27: Do people ever call you by your last name? Yeah but they usually call me flawless lawless.28: Is anyone ignoring you right now? Not that I know of?29: Do you have a best friend? Yeah grace, we've been friends since we were little. And then also my girlfriend!30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed? No not at all.31: Who was your last call/text message from? My aunt just texted me a picture of my cousin, today was her first day of kindergarten.32: Are you mad at anyone? Does myself count?33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you? Yes.34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday? I don't know.... barely knew the person.35: How many more days until your birthday? Tomorrow it will be exactly a month!!!! So excited!!36: Do you have any summer plans yet? Summers over yo! Start school next week!37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex? Sure I have one or two, use to have more but most my friends and I have grown apart due to distance.38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now? Yeah.39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone? Yes.40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone? Yes.....41: Do you think age matters in relationships? No, as long as you love the person and have a healthy relationship.42: Are you available? No I am very much unavailable.43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended? Um no one?44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get? I had my nose pierced a couple times but I don't think I would get anything else pierced.45: Do you believe exes can be friends? Sure as long as you guys are both respectful of eachother.46: Do you regret anything? I choose not to regrets my choices in life.47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now? Nothing really, my thoughts are pretty muddled today.48: Did you ever lose a best friend? Yeah kind of, it's complicated.49: Was your last kiss a mistake? Wait wasn't this asked earlier? Idk but yes my last kiss was def a mistake50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like? Well I mean I already got her lol51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? No.52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed? Jesus Christ it's hard answering these last person you kissed, since the last person I kissed forced me. But no I do not!!53: What was the last thing you ate? Idk, I haven't eaten since yesterday.54: Did you get any compliments today? Yeah I got one from someone on Tumblr lol55: Where are you going on your next vacation? Idk but I would like to go to Canada to meet my gf or meet halfway somewhere with her.56: Do you own anything from other countries? Well most the stuff in America is made from china so yeah 😂😂57: Are most of your friend guys or girls? Idk I would say it's 50/5058: Where have you lived most of your life? Kansas59: When was the last time you took a long drive? 2 weeks ago to see my sister.60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle? No61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house? No that's mean!62: Who do you text the most? My girlfriend.63: What was the last movie you saw? I'm watching a lifetime movie right now about a teenage murderer.64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex? Idk, I mean I know nothing about their exes, but I have faith in my partner.65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011? Um none probably. I didn't date a lot.66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you? No.67: Do you curse around your parents? Oh yeah.68: Are you happy with where you live? I mean I'm content but it's not where I want to be for the rest of my life.69: Picture of yourself? Idk how to add pics to a answer thing? Lol70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships? Def monogamous!!71: Have you ever been dumped? No I'm usually the dumpee.72: What do you most like about making out? Well I'm not a huge fan of it, I mean it's nice but Idk lol73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with? Yeah like one girl but I was trashed 74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other? Usually the other person 😬 I don't normally initiate the kissing.75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive? Their minds 😅😏76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed? Holly77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour? No.78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name? No.79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face? My significant annoyance 😂😂 no but for real they make my life so much better. 80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already? Yeah definitely.81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you? Yeah.82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush? No I tend to keep to myself.83: Do you miss your last sweetie? No84: Last time you slow danced with someone? Prom.85: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met? Well I've never met my current gf.86: How can I win your heart? It's pretty easy, I have a big heart that loves everyone I meet. Buy me some Starbucks and we good 👌🏻👌🏻87: What is your astrological sign? Virgo88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM? Sleeping!89: Do you cook? Oh yes! I love it!90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication? Yeah my first girlfriend, we are kind of friends now, but only on social media, we don't talk much.91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship? I am in a relationship.92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly? I swear this has already been asked hahaha93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest? I don't really have a type. Though I think tattoos are really attractive.94: Name four things that you wish you had? 1. A dog2. My own place3. Some coffee4. A blanket (it's always across the room)95: Are you a player? No.96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day? No.97: Are you a tease? No.98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr? No99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone? Yeah. Once before and right now.100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with? My gf101: Hugs or Kisses? Hugs!!! 102: Are you too shy to ask someone out? No.103: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Um idk.104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe? Idk I think it's my least favorite just because my step sister and her fiancée always call each other babe and nothing else and it's the most annoying thing ever! Me and my sis make fun of them all the time for it! 105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it? Nooo!!!106: Do you flirt a lot? Yeah I guess!107: Your last kiss? Don't want to talk about it 👌🏻👌🏻108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012? No.109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month? No.110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be? My gf111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next? My gf112: Does someone like you currently? Hopefully a lot of people like me, I try to be a like-able person.113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone? My gf114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? Serious relationship.115: Ever made out with just a friend? No.116: Are you happier single or in a relationship? Relationship obviously, she makes like so much happier!!

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