#i think it would be very hard for me to start an actual anorexia relapse

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

about that weight regain post you made, I'm asking myself a lot...

I asked my doctor if it would happen (and if yes, how, would it reverse...) and she said it would not happen(?). I don't know if I can trust her ?

I did not lose a lot of weight and almost stabilized my alimentation, but it seems that I don't really gain weight. I don't weight myself on a scale, but there are no signifiant changes. I mean, I look better than I did at my lowest, but I still look like I weight less than I did before my ed.

My mom found out some people actually struggle to put on weight in recovery, have you seen that happen, and why ?

I'm trying to listen to my hunger and I'm often nauseous before finishing... I'm also quite active and I wonder if I need more calories than before or not.

I'm really unsure of what to do and what to expect, but I guess it depends of several details. I haven't lost half my weight and slowly increased my intake, and even though it is not as high, I don't see changes. It really stresses me out and makes me want to have a really controlled diet to make sure everything turns out okay.

My dad recommended weighting myself and my mom the advices of a dietetician. I don't weight myself since my relapse but do you think it would be a good idea ? (I'm scared I already gained too much and that's why I don't want to).

I also developped anorexia around 17 years old, and am entering my 20s. My dad thinks my body will start to become it's ''adult self'' when I'll eat enough and I don't know what to expect, if it means it will be different and how. Right now my chest is nearly non existent, less than an A, and I don't have période.

Sorry, this is a lot of questions and I'm not very fluid in english.

Hey there! I know it took me a minute to get to this. I got hit by life again. But to answer your question - it is hard to know how your body will respond to recovery. If your doctor says that gaining back more weight will not happen, maybe you could ask the doctor why they are so certain, and if they have experience with others who've suffered restrictive EDs. Your doctor may be able to give you more insights into what they think recovery might look like for you and why.

As for having trouble regaining weight in recovery, I think I might have an idea as to what could cause that. Have you been to recovery treatment, or been through any kind of nutritional meal plan to eat enough to gain back weight? I know I push intuitive eating a lot, but in early recovery, a lot of people in restriction recovery do have to eat a bit more than they're comfortable with. This is because, after lengthy restriction, their stomachs may have shrunk, and their GI tract has become unaccustomed to handling the portions they need. Your hunger cues might be affected too. So you may need to slowly push yourself to eat a little extra, with a doctor's guidance, if your doctor does not feel your weight is progressing at a good pace. Try resting immediately after eating a big portion so that your body can focus all its energy on processing the food. It's okay to be highly active the rest of the day, but let your body readjust to digesting after a big meal.

It seems like it might not be a great idea to weigh yourself right now. If you trust your doctor, perhaps your doctor could keep track of your weight for you and help you to understand if you are gaining at a good pace, without giving you the numbers?

As for your period, that's harder to answer because it really depends on your experience. Did you have a fuller chest and a period before you started restricting? If you have never had a period in your life, there might be something else going on there medically and you may want to bring up concerns to your doctor. If you had a period before restriction, and now you don't have one, I would again recommend you ask your doctor for a time estimate for when you think it might come back after restriction. But as for getting an "adult body..." adults come in all shapes and sizes. Some women are just naturally very slender and don't have large breasts. Even if you do gain a bit more, your chest may never get very large and that's okay.

#body positivity #ed recovery #restriction recovery #menstruation cw #menstruation

[neurodiversebones]

i'm sorry you're having a hard time :( recovery is tough, but i believe in you! if you're comfortable, do you wanna share your recovery headcanons for those characters?

i hope things get better for you soon 💖 you've got this!

thank you !!! i hope things get easier soon as well bc . hhh !!! this is a Lot !!! you are so sweet <33 as for the headcanons i would be Delighted to share them (i am always so nervous to talk abt ed hc's , even if it's recovery related bc i am So Scared of being accused of romanticizing it 😭) . obvious tw for ed's below the cut !

cam :

in recovery from anorexia (AN-R) !

she is like me frfr in that recovery is a Long road for her . she's struggled for a long time, and so recovery is kind of a lifelong process rather than something she can simply Finish and be okay

her ocd has contributed a lot to her ed, and so ed recovery goes hand in hand with ocd recovery. with this, her anxiety starts to go down a Lot !

she has . a lot of guilt pertaining to her ed . guilt over having it, guilt over getting better, guilt over literally Everything . this is something she is Working On in therapy but boy is it a big hurdle

she . really never learned how to cook much , and so something that is helping her associate food with Good Times is learning how ! arastoo is teaching her a lot- these are her favourite nights, being in the kitchen with him and learning how to make something new. he shares his cultural dishes with her and she is so excited about this <3 (she is still not a very good cook because that is just how cam Is . takeout girlie for life .)

brennan :

in recovery from arfid ! as well as orthorexic tendencies

her arfid is specifically related to both sensory issues (hello fellow autistic arfid havers) and trauma (foster care = unreliable access to food)

trying new things is really hard for her- she has a very strict list of foods she eats and has very rarely strayed from that over the years. it takes a few tries before actually being able to eat something new- she needs to be able to look at it, feel the texture, experience the smell and other sensations that come along with it .

her arfid did go generally unnoticed because her safe foods would be considered "atypical"- she doesn't eat highly processed or packaged foods, and almost all of her safe foods are considered "health foods" (thank you orthorexia) .

booth tries new things with her- when she challenges a fear food, he'll try one of her "healthy" foods that he usually wouldn't be a fan of . it helps her to recognize that balance is both possible and healthy , and they are both finding new things they enjoy ! she learned that she rlly enjoys popcorn and sour candy , and he is surprisingly into quinoa now

hodgins :

recovering from ednos / osfed !

his ed was very heavily based in his gender dysphoria , so being able to transition has helped a LOT . a big part of why he recovered was so he could get top surgery without it posing a risk to his health

[SEASON 3 AND SEASON 11 SPOILERS HERE] trauma also plays a big part- he really, really struggled after zack was sent away, as well as after his accident . it's a coping mechanism for him- so in times of stress, he's prone to turn back and relapse

his relationships with others help- his love for angela, his love for his kids, his love for his friends at work- they all keep him grounded and give him something to live for. he wants to be around as long as possible to spend more time with them <3

angela is literally the most patient EVER and it makes him feel so loved and supported (tbh . i have angela headcanons too but my brain is telling me that's Too Many . let me know if u wanna hear those too .)

[TRIGGER WARNING : SH MENTION] he is also in recovery from sh and is almost a year clean which is such a win jack hodgins so cool era

that is all !!!!! i Think about them a lot because all of the bones characters are my comfort characters , so thinking abt them dealing w the stuff i am helps me through a Lot . i love these guys so much they deserve the world

#tw ed #also zack has arfid i Know it #these hc's are so important to me but they're scary to talk about bc . Judgement . #but !!! woo #my headcanons #bones headcanons #mental health headcanons #recovery headcanons

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Appointment - Thursday 20th May 2021

I had a check-in with my consultant today which, in all honesty, I was dreading. Really dreading. It really didn't help that I cancelled the one we were meant to have 2 weeks ago because, well...I have no good excuse...and then I couldn't make it to the rearranged one that was meant to be on Tuesday as our internet had been knocked out by the storm. So yes, I was already on edge, expecting the worst and terrified of being judged and knocked down as I hadn't managed to implement the changes that were discussed weeks and weeks ago....

I don't quite know what has happened but she way NICE?!

Our history is not the most positive to say the least. She has previously told me that I would never recover, assigned me to the SEED pathway and tried to send me to a long-term care home facility (I am not that there is anything wrong with these places, I think they do incredible work and have a place for some people, however it was not what I wanted or needed at the time), as well as eradicating all/any hope that my parents held and telling them that it was all their fault that I was unwell...so no, not the best.

But today I actually felt like she was listening to me and, dare I say it, that she might have cared a little bit too. In all honesty, things have not been going very well as I have been struggling to get out of this relapse. I know the ins/outs of what I need to do and why, I can plan it and talk about it but when I try to actively challenge the behaviours and face the anxiety, I end up hitting brick wall after brick wall. It is like a literal road block - I go completely blank, which then means that I end up going around in the same loops/cycles that I have been stuck in for years....which is exhausting. Really exhausting. As well as frustrating and just damn annoying. Because I do not want to keep doing this - I do not want this existence anymore. Yet the excuses pile up and, to be honest with you, they all have Anorexia written all over them, so I won't even give them space on here - and I suppose that is why it has been so hard recently, because Anorexia has had a really tight grip over me. Today though, instead of over-intellectualising and talking/worming myself out of it like I usually would, I was honest. Honest about how hard it has been and how strong the AN is and how annoyed I am about it. And because I was honest with her instead of being scared of letting people down/failing/messing up etc etc, this meant that we could actually explore it a little bit more, as well as discussing how therapy was going and trying to work out what was/wan't working for me and where we go from here.

In short we have decided to arrange a proper review with my therapist so that we can all be on the same page and talk about what I might need right now. Another SEDU admission was mentioned but, as she so rightly said, they can be very disruptive and she was also concerned that I would leave and relapse again, so we are trying to find the right level and type of support that I need to stay in the community. Which I am relieved about. Therapy is on the line at the moment as the physical side of things have deteriorated to the point where I'm only just about able to engage with the work we are doing - and I really don't want to lose my therapist as we have been working really hard on that side of things - I understand why it is and that the behavioural/physical side of things have not been on the same page for a while, so I need to use this as a kick up the bum.

I cannot afford to lose this. Not like has always happened in the past (starting therapy, doing a bit of work but then losing it because of my physical health. I need this time to be different).

She must have been in a good mood today though as she even started reminiscing about how much I have matured/grown as an adult over the past few years and said how hopeful she was for me with the upcoming apprenticeship (who is this woman?!). Then, whilst dictating the letter to my therapist, she even backtracked and said "no, I am not going to be negative" and reframed her message - I never thought this woman was capable of smiling (a real smile, not one of those fake ones) but today she actually took her time to talk to me, instead of jumping to her own conclusions, listened to me and tried to offer some reassurance.

Today I don't feel very strong but the meeting actually left me feeling a little bit...dare I say it...hopeful?

But at the same time I know that there is no magic answer/pill/treatment coming. I know it has to come from me, that no one else can save me. I am never going to feel "ready" or "want" to change. Anorexia will never willingly let me walk away. It will always move the goal posts to work in its favour, never mine. So I need to dig deep. I need to find it inside of me to TRY and push forwards no matter how shit or horrible it feels. I need to give myself this chance but surely anything would be better than spending the rest of my life in this limbo, surely?

#personal

[vonholten]

welcome aboard, eden von holten, student #30. we are excited to set sail with you !  has anyone told you that you look like elle fanning? according to our records, you hail from linz, vienna, prefer preferred she/her, are cisfemale, and are here to study astrophysics. we also see you received a spot on the ss university because of money — we won’t tell anyone. during your first few weeks here, other students said you were + warm, + loyal, but also - approval-seeking. it sounds like you spend most of your time at the arcade. upon checking your luggage, we noticed you packed a pair of earrings brought from home. hopefully your roommates don’t steal it!

ooc info

hello, my name is ana (she/her) from gmt+1 and i’m happy i found this roleplay because it looks amazing! okay so i’ll stop talking about myself and get onto eden’s bio. if you wanna plot feel free to send me a message or ask for my discord.

stats

NAME: eden viktoria von holten

NICKNAME: e

GENDER: cis female

PLACE OF BIRTH: november 9th, 

DATE OF BIRTH: july 6, 1998

AGE: twenty-two

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: bisexual

MAJOR: astrophysics

information

eden was born and spent the first ten years of her life in linz, austria. her father is an architect while her mother is a former housewife turned real estate agent.

the von holten last name was a distinguished surname back in the day as they were part of the austrian nobility. however, eden never really enjoyed the lavish life of being part of royalty as her part of her family is known as the descendants of ‘bastards’.

this meant that while her family could carry the von holten surname they didn’t have access to the family’s wealth, except for a trust fund to cover college expenses.

despite this, eden had a rather comfortable life as her father was a young promising architect that through his hard work managed to provide a good life to his family.

when eden was ten years old, her parents divorced and her father decided to leave austria to work in the england. 

her father eventually remarried and eden would spend her time between england and austria. 

many would think that eden had it easy, no event in her early life was enough to cause what would happen in the following years.

at sixteen, eden made the decision of finishing her schooling in new york, against her parents’ wishes, but being the supportive pair they were, they had no choice but let their daughter move to the big city.

tw eating disorder

something changed in those first weeks in new york, maybe it was being surrounded by the royalty of the city or the constant bombarding of slim models that prompted a switch in her.

at first it was not obvious, she reduced calories and signed up to the gym but as the months went by her obsession with calories and exercise only increased in an alarming way.

the teachers at school were the first to notice. and when they told her mother, she became very angry as she didn’t want to accept the fact that she had a serious illness and needed help.

the summer before starting at columbia, her parents took her to the doctor where she was given an ultimatum, either she gained weight during the summer or would be sent to an eating disorder clinic but that didn’t change anything and eventually was sent to the clinic, causing her to lose her first semester.

eden pushed herself to fight her anorexia, not wanting to be hospitalized and manage to be discharged before the start of the semester. despite her parents’ reluctance to let their child alone again, she started studying astrophysics at columbia.

for the next three years have been difficult for her, many times she has relapsed but on her own, she has managed to pull through but the increasing anxiety only gets worse, especially in finals time.

end of tw

at one point the stress got so high that her parents just made her drop out and go back to vienna. she did and spent a year working at her mother’s company before she made the decision to give university another chance.

she took the decision to attend seas because her step sister was here and this is her first semester

she’s doing a lot better now and she sees this as her chance to prove herself that she is healthy now.

headcanons

from a young age, eden has felt a fascination for stars and space. she never thought of studying anything related with that until she was interned in the clinic and spent most of her time reading books about the subject

speaks fluent german and she still has a slight austrian accent as she speaks in that language with her family

loves Pomeranians, and if you see her Instagram is filled with pomeranians blogs

she’s been to fourteen Elton John’s concerts, the last one a few days before her birthday. safe to say she is a fan

fan of any hgtv show

she has 'bought’ stars for herself since no one does it for her lmao

betelguese is her favorite star

actually believes in horoscope

favorite song: freaking tiny dancer ofc

has watched the theory of everything too many times

used to firmly believed she was anastasia as a child, now she is happy watching the movie or musical

connections

former best friend of cassidy silva

step-sister of student mack gallagher

childhood friend with minjun "micah" jin

wanted connections

best friend; if you are her best friend she’ll name a star on your behalf and also look what it could be: x or x

enemies: i mean she’s not one to create them but she cannot be liked by everyone and i need someone to get out her sassy side bc it’s probably rusty from being nice

roommates: self-explanatory 

first love; maybe it happened during her first year, you know i’m a hoe for angst so we can make it angsty af

friends with benefits; but really they would be very good friends that ended up sleeping together because she would need that sort of emotional connection to do it

awkward date; they went on a date that was so awkward that now they avoid each other

unrequited love; she could either have a crush on your character or viceversa, but lemme tell you that my girl can be shy so she probably just suffer and admire your character’s perfection from afar

tutor or study buddies; someone that helps her in some of her classes or the other way around

#seasintro #tw eating disorder

[kodokushicat]

The diary of hindsight: how I survived my worst relapse in 2020

At my worst last year due to anorexia nervosa (in addition to health complications beyond my control) my options were either A. figure out how to stop downward spiral and get to a slightly higher weight, B. keep losing weight and die, or C. keep losing weight and extend a possible future hospital stay by weeks or months. Option A was not foolproof and could/will lead to B eventually regardless of weight and behaviour stability, just more slowly but it is better than the alternatives. Not gonna lie,  B sounded very appealing (had I been too ambivalent to care about it), or preferable to getting the eating and weight changed. I knew if I didn't improve that I would regret the ramifications of doing nothing. I always presumed I'd be dead by a certain age and that it wouldn't matter, but that perspective just trashed my long-term physical/psychological health and future prospects to bits. Don't count on expected death estimations as a guarantee or a justification to be passive about damage control. It's incredibly easy to tell yourself that you'll do this or that baby step that barely makes a difference, procrastinate a day that becomes another that becomes another-- but the weight I was at + the "can't stop even though I want to" mentality is a point where you've got to get real serious in one way or another, real fast. I didn't want force feeding or hospital intervention so the best option for me was a magical change of heart towards a slightly higher, safer weight by slowly increasing calorie intake. The weight I was at in July, August and September 2020 (no I won't mention numbers) was horrific for me physically and mentally. The physical symptoms go hand in hand with the mental and bounce off of eachother. It's was a scary situation to be in, and yet somehow doing something about it felt infinitely scarier. My body was exceptionally fragile, and consequently my brain is traumatized from what I went through, even if it felt like my " normal " at the time. When you're at that point, you're not able to think clearly. But I told myself, this (changing things) was really worth it, as I knew that the out-of-control spiral downwards was just going to continue until I either changed it or someone intervened or my body called it quits on me. I knew deep down that the lower my weight would go, the worse it was going to be for my mental health in the long run. I had to get real honest with myself about what I was capable of changing on my own and so I did it. I knew I was at deaths door, he just didn't let me in yet. So I couldn't count on dying as the way out. I guess I am now living proof of that. I decided to change things for my future self which is now my present and future self. I have undoubtedly been left with some permanent damage that I have to live with, and I am going to kick myself over and over forever for treating my body how I did. At first when I managed to increase my intake, my body had been so "damaged" from the calorie deprivation that it barely makes a difference and it's actually really hard to gain weight so you start doing the bare minimum to maintain a weight that your body struggles at, which is why I had to try even harder to gain a few kg to be more stable. Like many mental illnesses, it's not a question of willpower, and you can't "stop" when you want to. It's never low enough, even when you hate your reflection, even when you know you're actually emaciated and feel so much numbness and physical agony, even when your weight is even lower than the one you had as a child... For anyone reading this, if you don't care about your now self, you owe it to the slightest chance of your future self to do something to better your life, in whatever way that applies to you

#me #my post #disordered eating tw #tw eating mention #eating disorder #anorexia #anorexia nervosa #tw ed #ed mention #recovery #harm reduction

[koreanoreo]

So I Made A Tumblr...

Hi! I’m KoreanOreo from Ao3, Wattpad and Fanfiction.net. If you’re here than you probably know that, if not then Hi! I write fanfiction to improve my writing so I can eventually, hopefully, publish a real book.

If you’re here then you’re probably wondering what’s going on with my on-going stories.

It’s been a while since I’ve updated any of my stories besides Hinata!!! on Ice and I left a some pretty cryptic posts on my Instagram about what’s going on. Unfortunately, Instagram isn’t really useful for long-winded explanations which is what lead me to creating this account.

The short version is that last week (March 31, 2021), my uncle unexpectedly passed away and I need time to deal with that (mostly by avoiding my very family/relationship centric fanfictions and fanfictions that deal with very sad character deaths). I’ve mostly been dealing with it through drawing.

The long version is a bit heavier.

Despite that, this account isn’t to talk about my mental health or vent to cope or post depressing content all the time. It’s to keep you guys up to date on where new chapters are and their progress.

For sure I won’t be writing anything for at least the month but I will be drawing more so I implore you to check out my side-blog for my art @artsaura and if you wish to support me further, please consider purchasing something from my redbubble

Before proceeding, I’m offering a bit of a content warning: The explanation below is extremely long and talks about heart attacks, depression, eating disorders, anxiety, family death, and mentions of self-harm. It gets fairly graphic and detailed. If you are triggered by any of this please don’t read on any further. If I sound a bit detached, it’s because it’s easier for me to deal with all this.

On the evening of Wednesday March 31, 2021, my uncle suffered a massive heart attack while he was alone at home. His wife, that he recently married in August of 2019, was at work and she came home to find him on their couch not breathing with only a faint pulse. She had him rushed to the hospital and my dad (my uncle’s younger brother) and my aunt (their younger sister) rushed to meet them at the hospital. 

At the time no one really knew what was going on or if he was going to survive but I didn’t actually think he’d pass away. I was worried about it but it was mostly just my anxiety. At worst I was expecting him to slip into a temporary coma or suffer some minor cognitive impairment.

About an hour and a half later we got the call. I was in my room and my sister came in sobbing saying “We lost him.”

At first I was numb, I didn’t cry, I didn’t really feel anything. None of it felt real and I a big part of me didn’t believe it. When I finally started cry even that felt fake. I felt like I simultaneously couldn’t stop and could stop easily if I needed to. It was strange. I had a hard time smiling and even things that would normally crack me up couldn’t make me laugh for a while that night. At the time, we still didn’t know what was going on or why he’d passed away.

When my father got home from the hospital we finally got an explanation.

At one point, either in the hospital or in the ambulance, his heart and stopped and they managed to resuscitate him. When they did he was completely unresponsive and had no brain activity. Based on some quick research I assume it was caused by going too long in cardiac arrest before getting help. He wasn’t breathing when his wife found him and we have no idea how long he’d been in that state. The hospital kept my uncle alive long enough for the family going to the hospital to say goodbye. My dad, my aunt and my grandmother decided that keeping him a vegetable for the rest of his life isn’t what he would want and decided to pull the plug.

I made the mistake of doing some research on brain death which ended in me becoming more depressed because everything was basically saying that he might’ve gotten better if he was given a bit of time. All of this happened within hours and everything I read said that people supposedly brain dead should generally be given a few days.

Over the last few days it got a bit easier to talk about, planning the funeral and all that and at the moment I feel okay. But I know as soon as I walk through the doors of the funeral parlor I’m going to break down again.

About 15 months ago, just before Christmas is 2019 my paternal grandfather passed away. It wasn’t necessarily unexpected, he’d been sick for years and had only been getting worse so it wasn’t really a surprise--although the timing was especially terrible. It felt a bit different than this. We had been waiting for it, even expecting it--it didn’t really make it easier but it felt less wrong. 

This was completely unexpected. There was no warning. About 10 days earlier I’d seen him at my cousin’s 21st birthday celebration. We were joking and everything was fine. In the days leading up to his heart attack his stomach had been bothering him and the day before he’d said he was feeling better. Aside from that he was a mostly healthy man, a bit overweight but otherwise he took care of himself--especially since we’re all aware that heart problems run in the family. He ate healthy, he was semi-active, he took care of himself. We really have no idea what caused it or if it could’ve been prevented.

Going a little further back, in January my dad and I caught Covid and were pretty sick for about 2 weeks. My dad’s sister called us just after New Years saying her and her husband tested positive and since we’d celebrated Christmas Eve with them, we all planned to get tested too. The next day I was hit with symptoms. In the days leading up to it I’d had some minor headaches, but the day after learning my aunt had covid it got especially bad. My sinuses felt like they were the size of grapefruits, I had full body aches I couldn’t really breath, at one point I had a minor fever (never exceeding 100℉/37.7℃) and I couldn’t taste anything. I couldn’t focus on writing because of the headaches and it was just overall a bad time. Even now, months later, I still have breathing problems from it which only makes my insomnia worse (along with the anxiety of suddenly not being able to breath in my sleep).

On top of that, back in November I relapsed in my eating disorder (if you want to get technical, I was just dealing with BED in between bouts of anorexia but that doesn’t make a difference) and for the past year or so I’ve been fighting the urge to start cutting again. The emotional drain my uncle’s passing is putting me through is only making it worse and my only semi-healthy release (weed) isn’t readily available atm (and my parents don’t really support it so I can’t do it at home anyway).

That’s pretty much everything important. If you made it through my emotional rant then thank you for listening. Thank you for all the support you’ve given me over the years. I’ll be back in a month or two.

Again, if you wish to support me and my work further, please consider buying from my redbubble.

~KoreanOreo

#personal #journal #life update

[royalpains-roleplay]

Hey lovelies! Just some friendly reminders about roleplaying triggers. If you need any resources to help you play them please let me know. Possible trigger warning as it goes into some details and symptoms.

Addiction - A big one I see a lot in roleplay - I don’t mean in this group but I haven’t seen a lot of addiction storylines played all the same - is people who claim their characters are addicted to something but then they get ‘help’ and are able to casually do so afterwards. The things is, say your character is an alcohol dependent character, they can’t just get treatment and be able to have a glass of champagne. Once an addict, even when you’ve recovered, you will always have addiction thoughts and won’t be able to just casually drink without relapsing. Same goes for drugs, gambling, etc. Any addiction you cover, follow through with the storyline, don’t just drop off half way because it bores you. If you don’t think you’re ready to take on a big storyline of the sort, don’t take the character. You’re not a bad person because you can’t do the storyline, it’s just not your style.

Sickness (Cancer, etc) - If your character has a severe illness of some sort, like cancer for example, or they had cancer, there are going to be things to be included. Your character is going through treatments? Maybe they lost their hair, or are seeing thinning in it. They’re probably feeling weaker than they usually are, maybe you just kinda make it so they’re out of breath and need a minute to sit down. Maybe they wear a certain makeup to hide paleness. Small things like this are easy to include in your writing. A character suffering from a debilitating illness will probably not be perfectly capable of looking super model ready every five minutes and being able to just get up and run. Again, most people do an excellent job but even I, myself as a writer forget that sometimes that Ana is in remission but her body is still permanently affected. Things to remember is say like alcohol might hit the character quickly, or depending on how long it’s been since the treatment, the character might be struggling with fertility, all things to take into account. Think about the kind of treatment they’re receiving, don’t be scared of details. 

PTSD - It is so, so easy to stick this claim on your character. I’ve seen it done a hundred times (I’m a dinosaur whose been roleplaying for like 12 years now, don’t mind me). It’s fashionable at this rate, all those television characters. But in reality, it’s not fashionable. It’s not just a breakdown that fits the storyline, it’s inconvenience. It’s anger you can’t control, flashbacks, nightmares, irritability. You can personally come to me and I can give you a whole list of things to attempt including into your storyline if you need it. But don’t just claim your character has this and don’t go anywhere with it. Follow through is so so important for everyone. It’s not just a fashion, many people know this, so don’t treat it as such. It’s important to think about whether they would display symptoms as CPTSD, PTSD or even Borderline Personality Disorder.

Mental Illness - This is not a fashion. Any illness you put on a character of the sort is going to affect themselves in one way or another. Maybe they’re having a hard time socializing, maybe they can’t get out of the bed in the morning. Or maybe they are really bottling it so it comes out physically. Nausea, headaches, vision problems, etc. Make sure you find a way to include the diagnosis of your character. (Not as detailed because there are so many of them. If you need more info on a particular character’s illness, inbox for more info).

Miscarriage - This is a really hard topic for a lot of people. It’s painful, brutal and can shake an entire family. Don’t take the topic lightly. There’s nothing wrong with covering this particular topic, what’s wrong is addressing it once and then calling it the end of the storyline. It doesn’t mean you have to constantly have your character be a mess. It can be a lot of ways. Anger, irritability, losing sleep, over-productivity, under-productivity, dissociation. Or maybe your character is okay with it, but always make sure you say why. The why is so important in those cases. You can never just sweep this storyline under the rug. 

Sexual Assault - Another storyline that has really made a dramatic spike over the years. Which isn’t a bad thing. The more people who write about it, the more awareness that is spread that this is real and it happens. Maybe your storyline encourages someone to do some research, to study and look it up. Maybe someday that means it helps a person. However, this storyline is not something to be taken lightly. It’s not something you just write once and never ever address at all again. This sticks with you. This is not something you can just kind of sweep under the rug. Surface wise, your character can seem well adjusted, but as a writer you have the ability to show it in the little ways. Yes, you might get the few people who have recovered perfectly fine without therapy. But this is rare. So remember not to ditch the storyline without finding closure for it. 

ED’s - This is a really common one. Especially in the media. For example in Gossip Girl where they addressed Blair’s eating disorder for about three episodes and never really showed any big struggles afterward. A lot of people can do that with characters. One thing to remember with severe eating disorders is that it’s not just something that’ll make you thin. It’s not just some increased diet, it’s about psychology. Control, etc. And it’s not just presenting by thinness. Characters with severe eating disorders are going to show signs. Some things that are small to add in would be yellowing teeth. Purging strips a lot of the protective layers from your teeth and can make them yellow and in severe cases can rot them. So if you’re wanting to address this, maybe your character is buying white strips to counteract? Maybe they’re buying dentures. There’s also like callousing of the fingers, sores, scabs on the knuckles, etc. Sore throats are also common as a mix of stomach acid burn and scratching of nails. Maybe the character has a raspy voice because of it. Maybe they have cracked nails so they wear fake ones. Always find ways to include this in your storyline, because if you’re making it purely that your character is just dramatically losing weight, you may be accidentally “romanticizing bulimia”. This is not to say all bulimics purge in that way, but there’s always some kind of sign or symptom you can incorporate. Anorexia is a lot harder to hide visibly. In drastic cases you’re going to see sunken faces and eyes, yellowing of the skin and eyes, dramatic hair loss and so much more. Low blood sugar would cause passing out. Not eating would cause weakening of muscles. Blueish fingers and toes because the blood is all going to your body core, linugo. Even calloused knuckles and worn teeth from purging. Anorexia can cause excessive bruising as well. Again, this is all very very important to include. Maybe your character is wearing a wig, maybe they use filling make up to hide the sunken face and yellowing skin, maybe they’re wearing dentures, or they see regular manicures. Maybe they carry glucose tablets to bring their sugar up in a pinch. This is all very very important to include. Because an eating disorder isn’t pretty. And it’s not just being thin. Now it’s not to say you have to include everything, but try to include some. Just like with illness/cancer, you’re probably looking at more easily affected by alcohol, more prone to alcohol poisoning, and it’s very commonly known that anorexia patients tend to struggle fertility wise. All things you can include. (This one was so long because I wanted to cover the two commonly known ED’s in length because I know they’re very different. Though if anyone starts to take on a Binge Eating Disorder or the ARFID I will also do research and come back with more info. ) 

Abuse - Abuse storylines can be quite common. Especially things like abuse from parents and what not. I’ve seen it a lot in my time. In roleplay, books, movies, television. Things to remember is that sometimes, abuse victims don’t actually know that what they’re going through isn’t normal. Some do, others don’t. But that doesn’t mean there won’t be symptoms. Some might have wet the bed as children, some are more violent. Some flinch when others are approaching, some suffer from perhaps substance abuse. Others who are aware of what they’re going through being wrong could probably be better at keeping secrets, more paranoid, etc. There are a lot of things to think about in regards to abuse storylines.

I know there are a few triggering storylines I left out. It’s not to say they don’t exist and if you want me to cover another topic, just let me know and I definitely will go over it. This isn’t calling anyone out, it’s not criticizing anyone’s writing, it’s just some things to take note of, and think about when travelling down roads for your characters.

[masonsfm]

better late than never , am i right folks ! 

。· . ˙ ☀ ⌈ madelyn cline + cis female + she / her + the maverick ⌋ yo , have you meet that POGUE , mason sterling , yet ? — no ? well , to give you a little heads up before you do , they’re a TWENTY-TWO year old , FREELANCE PHOTOGRAPHER / BARTENDER , and have been living in coston for TWENTY-TWO YEARS . since i’ve known them , they’ve reminded me of GRAINY PHOTOGRAPHS DEVELOPED ON FILM, LIGHTENING BUGS MAKING THEIR FIRST APPEARANCE OF THE SUMMER, NOTES SCRIBBLED IN THE MARGINS, WHITE COTTON SHEETS ON A CLOTHESLINE, AND A MIDDAY NAP UNDER THE SUMMER SUN . usually they’re quite INTUITIVE & EMPATHETIC but just make sure you keep an eye out for them around town because i heard can be quite RESERVED & UNFORGIVING as well so here’s hoping they aren’t the ones to undo this whole peace pact they have going on this summer . but just between you & me , i kinda hope it all falls apart . the rivalry keeps this whole boring town interesting 

hi kids! i’m b and this is my sweet mason who is a lil too curious . . . a lil too stubborn . . . and prob shouldn’t be climbing trees anymore . i’ll tell you why in a minute .

BACKGROUND.

near the muddy waters of the cut, surrounded by tangled woodland, there was a two-bedroom house with a leaky roof and an old dog named arlo constantly snoozing on the front step. the sterling residence was nothing to look twice at, but it was home for the first eleven years of mason’s life. she lived there with her dad, matthew, and her mother, charlotte, and things were never quite easy.

mason was a save the marriage baby, a last ditch effort to rekindle love that was slowly fading to nothing... and it worked, for a little while. but as she got older and the novelty of a shiny new baby wore off, things between her parents got rocky again. they were constantly fighting over, well, everything, but money was the root of a lot of it. her dad worked two jobs and still didn’t make much, especially when her mom had a habit of blowing it on things that were far from necessary.

everyone in the cut knew it, too, the way the sterlings were falling apart.. mason knew it was bad when her friends parents’ started bringing it up to her, just checking in to see if she was okay. and she was, for the most part, until the other shoe drop and her mom moved out, revealing she’d been having a long term affair with someone on the other side of the island.

charlotte (mason’s mom) moved out and went full kook in no time. she remarried in a lavish summer ceremony, taking on two picture-perfect step children who were just a little older than mason, and beginning her picture-perfect life in an old plantation house turned mansion. back in the cut, matthew (mason’s dad) still struggled with two jobs and was rarely home, but if you asked, mase would’ve told you she was perfectly happy with that.

a judge presiding over the custody battle for mason, however, was not, and due to her father’s work schedule and lack of supervision in the cut, her mother was granted nearly whole custody of their daughter and at twelve, she moved to the figure 8 and, for five days out of the week, wasn’t allowed back on the rougher side of the tracks.

they called her macy and insisted she always wear shoes when leaving the house. she had a new room, a new wardrobe, and come fall, a new school. her mom signed her up for piano lessons and shoved her back into ballet classes, to keep her occupied, and without any subtlety at all began molding mason into the kind of kook princess that her older step sister was. one day she’d have a coming out party. she’d wear a white dress and take a knee on the stage as a debutant. high school would come and she’d be a cheerleader, a prom queen. her mother had what’s best for her planned out to the very last detail.

her only saving grace was weekends with her dad. she got to head back to the cut for two or three days most weekends, and there she could be whatever she wanted with her father’s full support. unfortunately, though, a lot of her friends noticed the prim and proper new clothes and the perfectly manicured nails. those who didn’t know better saw mason going full kook as well.

with the friends she grew up with slipping away, and the first year of a new middle school being an absolute nightmare, mason decided to give in... mostly because her father, whose heart is too big for his body, asked her to. she was macy, kook princess in training, taking after her older step sister and quietly doing as her mother said. she kept to herself, for the most part, ran through the motions with only so much as an occasional eye roll, but as time passed, it became more difficult.

she missed the cut. she missed friends that liked her for her. she missed having weightless shoulders. it seemed that everyday she was trying to live up to expectations her mother had that she could never meet, that she would never meet because they just weren’t her. so if she couldn’t be prim and proper, she could at least be pretty, right?

tw eating disorder, anorexia

early on, around the age of 14, she started to become hyper-critical of how she looked . . . and how it wasn’t reflective of this older stepsister her mom was in awe of. over time she developed anorexia nervosa, which took form in habits of rarely eating, at first but then progressed into compulsively exercising. it took a toll on her physically and mentally, and eventually she was just kind of the shell of who she used to be.

her father was the first to notice, and thus began a fight that would last two years between her parents. custody was called into question again, all while mason was in therapy and on a prescribed diet to get back to normal weight.

by 15, her father had accepted a newer higher paying job as a director the wildlife center, and he’d stepped back into the dating game. mason spent every other week with him, and her mental health seemed to only increase when she was back home in the cut.

by 16, a final decision was made, granting matthew full custody of mason after a judge took her health and wants into consideration. this was the same time that they moved in with the bauers , and none other than miss finley bauer became, after a little bit of a rocky start, the sister she’d always wanted.

things were good for a long while, and they’ve stayed that way for the most part. heading back to school with the pogues had its hitches, and there are still people who think she might’ve gotten a little too close with the kook side of things, but for the most part, mason moving back was a homecoming. she saw her mother every other weekend and on some holidays, and though she wasn’t made to be a deb, she still had to participate in a few things like midsummers and what not. this time with a little more of a mason spin on it, quietly causing a little trouble where she could. 

she did exceptionally well in school, and by the time she graduated high school, she’d saved up enough and snagged enough s

cholarship money to attend columbia university in new york where she studied journalism. she loved the schoolwork but sorted hated the culture of the city and struggled to find her place. sophomore year she had an ED relapse, but got through it with the insistence of her family.

she recently graduated from columbia with honors, and now she’s back in pogue territory with no idea what the fuck comes next. she doesn’t know where she wants to live, or even if she’s ready for the real world. with grad school and a big girl job on her mind, she’s preoccupied and lost in her thoughts a lot of the time, but she’s happy to be home and happy to be taking a year off to figure it out in coston.

PERSONALITY. 

mason’s got a quiet sort’a nature about her. she’s never the center of attention or the star of the show, and she doesn’t really care to be. part of that quiet nature comes from the unacknowledged lack of self confidence that still lingers under the surface, but most of it just stems from the fact that she was an only child or a misfit child for a long time, so she’s used to keeping to herself. quiet gives her the ability to observe.

that said,.. she’s a bit of a nancy drew type. definitely intuitive, definitely curious, definitely a little too nosy for her own good. it’s what makes her so good on the journalism front, her need for answers and her ability to act on a hunch. if mason’s gut is telling her something, it’s generally right.

she’s an introvert for sure but that doesn’t mean she’s... not friendly. she might not be the first to strike up a conversation, but she’ll hold it for sure. with a bit of a dry sense of humor and a straight faced delivery, she might even shock you. overall, she’s very sweet. very easy to be around.

being observant and intuitive really leans into her being empathetic in that she’s . . . good at people. again, you might not know it since she does a good job of keeping to herself, but she’s very easy to be comfortable around, very easy to spill your secrets to, very easy to trust. which is fair!! because she’s quite trustworthy

though she doesn’t give out her own trust so easily and that absolutely stems from her mommy issues

she’s quite .. .. unforgiving with that sort of thing, too. once you lose it, it’s gone. once you break it, it’s broken. 

super laid back which occasionally looks like apathy . . . but. that’s far from the truth

she’s passionate about a lot , but she’s not going to waste her breath arguing with someone who isn’t willing to learn or compromise.

fearless in a very quiet way like . . . the way i explain it is this: if a whole group was arguing ab who was going into a haunted house first, she wouldn't participate in the argument. she'd just kinda .. . blink . .. and then turn her flashlight on and walk in first

always up for adventure. that little shrug and ‘why not’ sort’a vibe when you ask her to do something is actually a hard yes from miss mason

level-headed as fuck, will keep you sound of mind in a fight

loves being outdoors, especially by the water

rides a longboard everywhere despite having a car

has broken her left wrist twice due to falling out of trees. still has not learned her lesson and will continue to climb trees bc it’s a nice place to sit and read ig chill out tarzan

super mellow. if she were music, she’d probably be a bob marley song

will answer your question with a question bc one: she doesn’t like talking about herself and two: she’s genuinely curious

honestly very smart . . . like clever as the devil and twice as pretty but book smart too . . .. good for her bc her mun could neVer

will not take help if her life depends on it i s2g this idiot could be sinking in quicksand and she’d be like ‘it’s fine i can gET OUT ON MY OWN’

freelance photographer, mostly for the coston paper

bartends at a local dive on fridays/saturdays, otherwise catch her in an ugly tennis skirt lookin uniform at the clubhouse serving old men shitty bloody marys and wishing she could commit murder when they hit on her 

loves her people relentlessly but chooses them very very carefully

did not like living in new york one bit lemme tell ya

always carrying around a film camera. always. 

writes in the margins of all of her books... and even in the margins of her own notes for annotation purposes

brain always running at 139871 mph which is why she’s in her thoughts a lot like she rly is just trying to sort it out

CONNECTION IDEAS.

childhood friends . . . that stayed friends even as she crossed into kook territory . . . and that didn’t stay friends and have since drifted 

the one (1) kook that prob welcomed her and honestly is still pals with her because there’s a genuine friendship there not just a toleration

a skinny love that was at it’s prime during childhood like these two were gonna grow up and get married, had their first kiss on a dare while sitting in a literal tree, old old friends that idk mayb they’re still pining because that like never went away!! or maybe ‘you’ve changed’ and now it’s uhhh.. different

an ex on the kook side would be a fuckin adventure especially if it was after she moved back to the cut and was like i waNT nothing to do with ANY of them . .. , except that one i like that one

an ‘enemy’ aka someone she just never clicked with and they’ve been at each others throats since high school

u KNOW miss mason sterling is all about her girl gang shit so gimme that

the brother she never asked for! never really wanted! but, begrudgingly, needs

ANYWAY THAT’S MASON!!! overall. . . .. she's mellow. v calm, v levelheaded, v to herself. observant and a lil nosy. fearless to a fault on occasion, and stubborn in her independence. loves her people, but chooses them carefully. shouldn't be climbing trees. uHhHhhHhhH hit me up on discord or like this and i’ll come bother u for PLOTS so we can get this thing poppin’ ok that’s all

#coston.intro #LOOK AT THAT #there she is

[nikoalaa]

usually this is something i’d post on a side blog with no tags or followers (just to get out of my head), but i think this time i want the possibility of someone helping. idk how long this will be but i’ll put it under a read more when i’m on my computer.

i’ve been struggling more lately. idk if it’s just the pandemic and quarantine and everything getting to me, but this has all been happening before too, just maybe not as often. i’m more anxious, i’m more depressed, i want to shut myself away from friends and not leave my house much unless it’s a quick trip somewhere by myself. i’m so tired all the time. i’m just so, so exhausted. and since i’m home a lot with nothing to do, i’ll sleep. my schedule is so messed up. i sleep basically 5am-2pm and then sometimes still take a nap. like today i slept 5 or 6 am- 2, woke up and had something small to eat, sat at my computer and then slept again 6:30pm-9pm. i jokingly call this my “unemployed schedule” with my parents, but i think they just think i’m lazy.

and speaking of them, i think a lot of my problems i have with myself would be nonexistent if i just had good parents. my crooked teeth wouldn’t be an issue if my dad didn’t hate doctors and was scared of the dentist, therefore never making appointments for me or my brother, resulting in us both not having good teeth. my weight and unhealthy relationship to food wouldn’t be an issue if my mom would have just made me eat a god damn vegetable when i was a kid instead of just giving me chicken nuggets so i would stop whining. and when i was chubbier then other kids, instead of herself trying to fix my diet by actually cooking healthy food and making me eat it, she made me see a doctor and go to group sessions of other kids in similar situations (that i was very uncomfortable going to, to the point of me crying, but she forced me to go anyway). which none of that helped anyway, it just made me self conscious about eating so i now hate food and when i do eat in public, i feel gross and that people are staring at me. and now my body has tricked itself that if i’m out in public, i can only eat very little or else i get sick and throw up. and my mental illness could be in check if my parents just put in any effort. they’ve been aware of my depression since i was in 3rd grade (which my mom would phrase as “you don’t seem as happy anymore”) and i recall having anxiety since kindergarten. i get that we didn’t have a lot of money when i was growing up, so maybe they just made me see the guidance counselor every friday for two school years. which is fine, that’s what they could do and it was at least something idk. but after that it’s like they stopped caring. i went on to public school after that and i hated it. i constantly would go to the nurses office in 5th grade and pretend being sick so my mom could pick me up or some how get me home. that should have been a red flag. or whenever my dad asked me how my day was and i never said “good”, another red flag. i was so depressed for the rest of my time in public school, and they didn’t do anything. sure i would join clubs or play sports to try to make myself happy and have fun, but it wasn’t ever enough. high school was even worse. i was angry all the time. just that angry emo kid sat in the back of the class. and eventually i lost almost all my friends. i started cutting, but i kept it hidden until i got changed after gym class one day. someone i was kinda friends with spotted the cuts on my upper arm. they gave me a knowing look and asked what happened. i said my dog scratched me. but it was way too many cuts and too dark to be dog scratches. but they didn’t ask again and i was grateful because i didn’t want help at the time. rest of school went on, the cutting stopped (or at least stopped being as frequent. relapses now and again), had panic attacks before and during school (that i always seemed like a burden for having when my mom had to deal with it), then i had a manipulative friend/ex gf i’m not even going to get into rn. long section short, my parents knew i was struggling. they would mention it off handedly. “you didn’t seem as happy” “we saw their was something going on” stuff like that. but they did nothing to help me. never asked questions, never talked to me, never asked if i needed help or someone else to talk to.

after highschool the panic attacks weren’t as frequent, but the depression was there. and they knew it. because even now and then i would bring it up, especially when i was having a breakdown. i would tell them i need help, i need a therapist and i need medication. she said (because it was always my mom i would go to) that she would see what she could do. then nothing happened. another time, full break down, and i fully told her i am suffering and i need help. she made me feel like such a burden and an inconvenience. she said she had no idea how to get me a therapist. no idea where to start. so i told her, mainly yelled, to ask this one lady we know (someone who had actually done more for my mental health than my own mother) for advice because i know her two kids go to therapy and stuff. she said she would try but she never did. few weeks ago, i have the biggest panic attack i’ve had in a while. full hyperventilating, almost going to throw up, all because there was a bug in my room trapped under a bowl. that is not healthy. i’m sobbing and gasping for air as my dad is trying to get the fast bug off the floor but not lose it, and once it’s gone i’m in bed sobbing and heaving and my whole body is twitching uncontrollably. she thinks she’s hot shit because she did that “5 things you can touch” bull shit once i was starting to calm. nothing again after that. what they did, they bought a hand vacuum so i could catch bugs myself. i guess so i won’t have to bother them at 4 in the morning and again freaking the fuck out. all in all, if they got me therapy as a teen and i had meds, i probably would be much much much better off. i won’t even go into the trans stuff rn. i think they think it went away because they ignored it and i don’t talk about it with them. even tho in the rest of the world away from family, i go by my chosen name and my friend calls me “he”. but it’s been almost 4 years, if not already 5 years, since i came out to them. they said they looked up therapy and stuff but again, nothing ever happened. i joke with my parents and say they’re lucky i don’t steal my dogs prozac and they laugh. i know it’s exactly the one used for people because it’s the same exact one my ex took. these days i’m starting to see things out of the corner of my eye, but nothing is there. i tell my mom i think i have adhd or something because i’ve read symptoms and it would make sense. and i also don’t remember a time where my head wouldn’t just be quiet. even now. it never is. but she says i was tested and they didn’t say i had adhd. when i was 7... and it’s misdiagnosed in afab people... and especially since i was anxious as a child.. and nervous around the lady who tested me. when. i. was. 7. shit develops later in life. but she won’t believe me because she says she’s trained to see the signs for her work. but then she’ll bring up how my uncle, grandma, and dad, are like the poster kids for adhd. and she just won’t believe me.

i’m really struggling with just everything. and i feel guilty that i’m even struggling and “feeling bad”. i’m a white kid from the philly suburbs. everything could be much much worse for me. but then again, i know thinking like this isn’t good for me. just because it could be worse, doesn’t mean it still can’t be a hell of a lot better too. i just want to be okay. i want to be healthy and happy. i’ve never really gotten to experience it all. my happiness seems fake and it fades away. my idea of health is “going to the gym and the right amount of anorexia.” i know that’s not healthy but that’s just the only way i know. my mom doesn’t seem to care anyway. i tell her that when i am working or i was in school, i would only have like one meal a day. she didn’t say a thing. i just want to be happy. i don’t want to die. i really don’t. i hate being alive but like, i’m already here. i’m not going to take myself out. but it’s just so hard to exist a lot of the time. idk how i’ve done it this long. and i can tell it’s gonna get bad again because i tried to cut myself a few nights ago. the knife wasn’t sharp enough to really make a mark but i had no energy to keep trying. i really need help but idk what to do anymore.

#im so sorry this is so long #it took me an hour to write #ill put a read more later #im so sorry #tw depression #tw anxiety #tw eating disorder #tw anorexia #tw self harm #tw cutting #ask to tag #just in case #im gonna try to sleep cuz its now almost 5:30 am

[chuffyfan87]

Growing Pains. Part 15a (NSFW)

Cowritten with @disastrousintention. Trigger warning for discussion of eating disorders.

-x-

It had been a turbulent few months but somehow they had made it through so, despite the fact that, like his father, he was no chef, Peter had decided to cook Holly a romantic meal for her birthday. He also tried to make her a birthday cake in a flavour that was her ideal cake.

He was getting a little stressed, how did his mum make this look so easy?

It bloody wasn’t easy! He was about to do something else when the doorbell rang, signalling the arrival of his visitor.

Holly couldn't help but giggle as Peter opened the door. "Why are you covered in flour?"

“I’m trying to make you a birthday cake.” He said with a small pout.

Her eyes lit up. "Really?" She let out a little squeal of delight.

“Yes.”

"You are just so adorable!" She giggled as she entered the flat.

His placed his hands against her hips.

"I got the card from your parents in the post this morning." She smiled.

He nuzzled his nose against hers, “That’s nice of them.”

"Yeh, made a nice change to get cards on my actual birthday." Her bright smile briefly wavered before returning. "The sketches with the card were amazing."

“That’ll be Em. She’ll be thrilled you love them.” He smiled brightly, “Everything ok?”

"Yeh." She gave him a quick kiss. "You should get back to that cake."

“Before it burns?”

"Yeh, cake is always better when it's not burnt." She chuckled.

He laughed softly and kissed her nose again. He went back into the kitchen to finish making the cake.

Holly lingered in the kitchen doorway. "Am I allowed in or is it all a surprise?" She giggled.

“You can come in, I suppose.”

She walked in and made herself comfortable on one of the stools by the counter.

“Have you brought yourself a new dress?” He asked.

"Yeh. I'm impressed you noticed." She smiled.

“Of course I noticed, you look beautiful by the way.”

"Thanks." She blushed.

Peter’s attention began to focus on making the cake filling but he was beginning to get distracted.

Holly got up from the stool to help herself to a glass of wine from the fridge. Pouring a second glass for Peter she reached around him to place it on the counter next to him.

“I love you.”

"I love you too." She kissed his cheek.

“Making a cake is harder than I thought.”

"Would you like me to give you a hand?"

“Hmm, if you want to.”

She started to help but very quickly couldn't resist the urge to flick a blob of the mixture at his face.

He pouted, “That’s not nice.”

She giggled as she licked the mixture from his cheek.

He swallowed, suddenly becoming very hot and bothered.

"Mmm, tasty!"

“You having fun there?”

"Yep!" She grinned as Peter took the cake from the oven.

He chuckled softly, “I thought you were.”

"So what shall we do now while that cools?"

“What do you want to do? It’s your birthday.”

"We could watch a movie?"

“What kind of movie?” He winked.

"Something that's not all blood, guts and explosions?"

“A romantic film?”

"Do you own any?" She asked, her eyebrow raised.

“No. I don’t think so, shall we look?”

"Good idea." Her eyes danced with mischief wondering how long it would take him to notice the addition she'd make to his dvd collection.

He went looking through his dvd collection and pulled out a dvd he’d never seen before. He held it up, “What’s this one?”

"Fancy that, my favourite film!" She gasped dramatically.

“I wonder how it got there?” He smirked.

"I wonder..." She giggled.

He shook his head fondly, “I never noticed.”

Holly continued to giggle as she took the dvd from him, placed it in the player and made herself comfy on the sofa.

He sat down beside her and reached around the back of the sofa for a blanket.

She snuggled into him as the movie started.

He wrapped the blanket over them and kissed the top of her head.

About half an hour into the movie the timer beeped.

“I should go and finish the cake and check the food.” Peter smiled as he gently moved Holly from his arms.

"Do you want me to pause the movie while you do?"

“No no, it’ll be fine.”

She chuckled as she continued to watch the film in his absence.

By the time he'd finished the cake and prepared the meal the film had almost finished.

He took a deep breath as he lit some candles around the table before calling her into the kitchen.

Holly gasped as she entered the kitchen.

“Happy Birthday babe.”

As she sat down she realised that not only was there a meal waiting for her there was a beautifully wrapped present too.

“I didn’t really know what to buy you.” He smiled shyly, “I hope you like it.”

She excitedly ripped the paper off the present. The box inside contained a crystal pendant. "Its beautiful!"

“I’m really glad you like it. Would you like me to put it on you?”

"Please." She smiled.

He gently took the crystal pendant out of the box and moved to stand behind her. Gently, Peter moved Holly’s hair out of the way and gently put the necklace on. He kissed the back of her neck when he’d finished.

She held the pendant in her hand. It shimmered in the candlelight.

He kissed the back of her neck again. “It suits you.”

"You did good." She smiled.

“I’m really glad you love it.”

The conversation lulled at they began to eat. "This is delicious." Holly uttered after a few mouthfuls.

He breathed a sigh of relief, “That’s a relief. I feared it may be atrocious.”

"You should have more confidence." She smiled. "Oh yeh, I dropped the kittens off to your parents house yesterday."

“How many kittens are there?”

"Two." She giggled.

He shook his head fondly, “Mum’s terrible. What mum wants, mum usually gets, dad rarely says no to her.”

"I guess he was trying to cheer her up. She was really quiet and didn't look at all well when I went round yesterday."

He sighed sadly, “My mum’s got anorexia. Least she did, years ago. But it doesn’t go away, does it?”

"I didn't realise. That must be hard for all of you."

“It’s tough. More for mum than us really.”

"She's had a relapse?"

“I think so. I’d guess so. She’s gone really skinny again. And pale.”

"Is there any way we can help?"

“I don’t think there is.” He paused briefly, “Did you notice they’ve got a new kitchen table?”

"Yeh I did. Looks really nice. Antique pine I think your dad said."

“Tilly said they’d broken the last table doing a spot of exercise.” Peter laughed.

"You're kidding me?! But your mum's tiny! How the hell did they manage that?!" She gasped, choking slightly on her wine.

“I think it was wobbly anyway.” He sipped his wine.

"Are you sure Tilly wasn't just winding you up?"

“About them breaking the table whilst shagging?”

"It sounds like something she'd think was funny. Like the other week when she told everyone that your mum was pregnant."

“That’s what I thought, that she’d been winding me up. But on the same day, I got a text from Jake, practically confirming what Tilly had said.”

"Ah. What did he say?"

“That our parents are an embarrassment.”

Holly snorted.

“I’m just glad I don’t live at home anymore.”

"Yeh, it's probably not as cute to you lot."

“The worst is when you’re trying to sleep!” He laughed and met her gaze.

"Is that why you sleep with ear plugs in?" She teased, reaching over to boop his nose.

“Yes.”

"Shall we go back to the sofa to eat cake?" She suggested.

“Yes we can do if you want to?”

Holly giggled as she moved to grab the cake and a fork. "Grab the wine." She told Peter.

Peter grabbed the wine and they headed into the living room.

After they sat down on the sofa Holly cackled as she moved to dig into the cake with the fork.

He watched her.

She grinned as she took a large scoop out of the middle of the cake and placed it in her mouth.

He smiled as he watched her, biting his lower lip.

"Would you like some?" She asked, her mouth still full of cake.

“Please.”

She scooped another forkful of cake and held it to his lips. She giggled as she placed the cake in his mouth.

“Mmm, it’s quite nice. I’m impressed.”

"Would it be bad if we ate the whole cake between us?" She chuckled.

“No, we can always burn it off later.” He winked.

"Now that sounds like a great idea..!"

He rubbed her thigh and grinned. “I hoped you’d say that.”

"I think this may go down as the best birthday ever."

“I hope so.”

#chuffy #charlie and duffy #charlie fairhead #lisa duffin

[versary]

i am talking about food again sorry

it really astonishes me that i only have to eat a little bit less than what i normally eat for me to lose my absolute shit and start old behaviour patterns again. i mean really only a tiny bit less than usual. i guess i’ve been unconsciously restricting these last few weeks - sidebar: when i’m out of my usual routine i am really bad at making sure i eat enough food, and when i’m in an unfamiliar environment and/or don’t feel comfortable getting food/am unsure how/where to get food i’m even worse, so brisbane was okay because it was my house with my family and i’m very comfortable and safe there, but when i was in apollo bay there wasn’t much in the way of actual food in the house (lots of crackers and cheese but, like, no protein sources) and i’m unfamiliar with the place and like the protocols of the family (e.g. i didn’t really feel like i could go and buy my own food? but that’s me being weird rather than being actively discouraged from buying food by others), SO ANYWAY i really wasn’t eating enough and then my routine got out and then when i got back to canberra i didn’t automatically go back to how i would normally eat et cetera - which means that i’ve started unconsciously wanting to restrict more and paying a lot more attention to how my body looks. and that’s what really clued me in - i couldn’t figure out why i was feeling so off; i was spending way more time fixating on what i looked like and just generally hating my body and i’ve worked hard over the last few years to be body neutral and to see myself as a whole so i knew that something was wrong for me to regress that much.

it’s easy to fix; i’m good at fixing it now. i just have to be a little more conscious around grocery shopping and making sure i have enough food in the house for meals plus snacks, and giving myself time to make proper meals, especially breakfast; i’ve been pretty slack in the mornings recently. that’s all fine. i’m not worried there.

what’s kind of scaring me is how easy it was to just slip back into old habits. i always say that i would never relapse because i’ve seen how good life is and i’m not willing to give that up, but it made me realise it’s not a hundred percent in my conscious control. for better or for worse (for worse) this eating disorder is part of me and could very well be something i have to manage for the rest of my life. when i started to think of myself as in remission i pictured my anorexia as a volcano: it wasn’t active, but it was dormant, and i shouldn’t think of it as as extinct because even though it might never erupt again, the possibility is real so i should live accordingly. that doesn’t mean that i should view every experience through the lens of anorexia because you do have to move on (i believe that dwelling on it makes it worse, so i’ve worked on not thinking about it constantly) but it does mean that at the moment i still need to consciously pay attention to my food. i still need to make food and eating enough my number one priority because i am not in a place yet where i can be totally ~~intuitive about eating. maybe i never will be. that’s fine. i’m prepared for this to be something i have to spend the rest of my life working with and managing. it’s been about four years since my last psych appointment and i’ve spent that time getting better and better at spotting things i have to work on and then doing the work. i’m not afraid of the work; i’m in this for the long haul because i have to be. what i’m afraid of was how it took one week for me to get a little out of routine to then spend the following two weeks doing weird shit because i wasn’t eating enough.

i’m not going to always be here in my lil apartment in canberra where i know everything that’s going to happen today. there are going to be periods of my life where things change. i’m probably going to move house a bunch more times, maybe even move to different cities. i’m going to start and end jobs, i’m going to start and end relationships. i’m going to experience grief and change and upheaval. if i can’t keep my eating in check enough in those big difficult times then it’s going to make them so much harder to get through. to do that i have to make sure it’s in control during the normal times. if i go away for a week i still have to make sure i’m eating enough, and that might mean making myself slightly uncomfortable and awkward around people i might not know very well. i still have to practice being okay.

but, like, god, there’s literally nothing i hate more than being so preoccupied with hating myself and my body i can’t do anything else. extremely unpleasant. i did not enjoy doing that this week at all!!! i definitely did not want to bring that into 2020 with me!

#tw: ed #back on my bullshit #dw i'm fine actually

[juupajaa]

A rant

Sorry this might get long but it's my blog and I vent if I want to.

So like I'm so sick and tired of being anorexic. I relapsed last fall and this has been such actual shite that I'm tempted to say it's been even worse than what my binge&purge cycle was back in my teens. I was so fecking hurt all the time back then and I remember feck all about it, except for that one day when I was crying in a ball on the floor bc I was so scared that now I had done it and ripped my fecking stomach apart like an idiot. I know that was worse, so I won't say it's that bad right now but it sucks plenty.

Right now I'm just so hungry all the time it's frying my brain. It's not like ' oof my stomach grumbles, I should eat a meal' but like such blind Hunger that I know there is no way for me to eat and feel satisfied anymore. I know that if I take one bite of anything now, I'll start eating and it won't stop until I'm literally about to burst from the seams and just spill all over. So I'm too scared to eat feck all. It hurts like mad to eat yourself into that state and it hurts for days and let's not even talk about the shame and guilt that comes from it as well.

The only thing that keeps my head in the game is the fact that I'll go to a residential in a few weeks. I'm so scared of it but also can't wait bc at least someone will fecking feed me. I just can't do it on my own, I'm so hungry and there's no amount of food that would fill me, so I won't eat at all. In a few weeks someone else will decide what I eat and how much and that is honestly the best thing I can imagine right now. I will gain weight and that's scary, but honestly, my weight and size mean very little compared to how hungry I am. I'm starving and I hate it.

I hate this disorder so much and I want to eat again so bad but I'm so scared of everything. I want to workout again. I used to workout and go jogging with my dogs everyday but now I'm lucky if I have the energy to walk to my car and in my car I'm barely paying attention to the road. I hate being so foggy all the time, not being able to think further than a few hours ahead, disinterested in all my hobbies and everything that would require me to get up. God what a shitshow.

I'm so ready to just get over this and I pray that I do and the help I'll get works out and I get some of my health back but ya know what's really crushing about this?? I'm so worried that I'll just relapse again. Me and my mom have already spent so much money on my recovery and we'll spend even more, but it just drives me off the fecking walls to hear that low bitch in my head say that 'we'll just get skinny again once we get back home' like no, piss offffffff??? I'm trying to fight my own head and I have no idea at times who is talking, me or the anorexia, but I sure am pissed at this bitch. I wanna just strangle that cunt and get back to being really cool and awesome but god damn it.

I like myself a lot ok? I'm really proud of my growth and how I've turned out so far. I've done a lot of work to fix the shitty parts I had and to get my life on the track I want it on and then this cunt just walks in and ruins everything bc I was a bit stressed for a while.

Honesty I have so much I look forward to and I don't want to die. I love life and the world and I know I have people who love me. I hate the fact that I've lost so much time to this crap and that I've likely taken years off my lifespan with this. It's so hard to fight this cunt and it often feels like I'm my illness, as if this is what I want.

Ya know my mom asked me the other day why do I want to kill myself and honestly I didn't know what to say to her bc it was so absurd. I don't want to kill myself. I'm just so scared that I can't move from the spot. I see the train coming and I know it will hit me if I don't jump off the tracks but I'm petrified. God I hope it'll be ok. I wanna live and be fine, I've a lot of stuff to do.

Rant over, I'll go drink some water. Be cool babes. I hope y'all be doing ok 🌺🍵

#ed talk

[lammermoor-lace]

I really hate my parents, my mom especially. I don't know, it's just that you'd expect them to be more careful when discussing things like weight, being fat, eating too much etc. They KNOW I'm vulnerable when it comes to these things.

Today for example I wore shorts for the first time this summer to go out with my father, and as soon as I left the house I immediately started feeling like shit. I felt how ugly I looked. 

And then my dad basically tricked me into meeting with my former gym's owner, whom I'd been avoiding for months in order not to let him see the change my body has gone through since I left the gym. I literally wanted to die afterwards, but he didn't even notice the tears on my face... which were not very subtle, I guarantee it. 

Then tonight we were talking again, and my mum was saying that she'd like to go to the pool or something, and I half-heartedly said something along the lines of: “not before I lose 5 kilos”. At which point she said that no, I should do both things instead: go to the pool with her AND lose 5 kgs.

I felt horrible. How could she say that to me? How could my own mother not understand that I needed her to say that I look fine just as I am, that losing weight would be unhealthy and completely unnecessary... which is the DAMN TRUTH. 

I am NOT overweight, I know this. In fact, losing about 2 kilos would put me in the underweight range.

And even if it didn’t, well, I’ve fucking lost at least a year of my life to ANOREXIA, fucking hell. How’s everyone forgotten about that already? I surely haven’t. And lately I’ve actually been feeling very conflicted, because I kinda want to starve myself again, just to feel in control, in the hope that it’ll make me beautiful again (as if there ever was a time when I was beautiful...)

The thing is that everyone in my close family is stick thin, literally. They eat whatever and never gain anything. I'm the only one so far that has struggled with being a little bit softer and plumper since a young age, and that's beacuse I'm fucking emotionally repressed and I eat to compensate the   lack of valuable relationships, the misery &  pain, the self-hatred, the insecurities which have been crippling me since I can remember.

They don’t understand how I feel. My mum isn’t capable of actual empathy. She sincerely doesn’t care, maybe even thinks it’s funny, I don’t know. She’s certainly at peace with herself about this. After that answer she gave me I immediately stopped talking, went to bed and cried like an idiot, muffling the sounds so that nobody heard. 

How do I learn from my past? I know that relapsing isn’t gonna take me anywhere. It’s not the right thing to do.

But on the other hand, gosh, I just want to punish her, to show her how bad her indifference can hurt her daughter. But then again, I know that she’d make up some sort of excuse in her mind (the cognitive dissonance is strong with this one), and wouldn’t feel any guilt for my situation.

It’s just... I understand that the only real solution for me is to move beyond my family, to emancipate myself from them, look for love somewhere else. They’ve shown me many times now how they can’t give me what I need. They’re the source of most of my problems; they can’t solve them. It’s just logical.

But I feel bad for giving up on them, they’re my parents. I can’t believe they would hurt me in such a way. If I didn’t care about them, I wouldn’t hate them this much.

In the end, I’m alone. And I’m lost. What should i do with myself? 

I let go of all my childhood dreams: I don’t draw, nor sing, nor write poetry anymore. I’ve killed those passions I had, for them. Because they were afraid that I’d pursue them, and never get a serious job, become delusional and frustrated or something.

And sooo here I am. Studying law at university, getting the (usual) excellent grades. If I keep this up for another 4 years I’ll get a master’s degree in Law, and then I’ll be on my way to a prestigious job of some sort, I guess. Sounds fun.

This is all they hope for me. Not that I love myself. Not that I feel beautiful. Not that I find friends, or love. They never cared about these things, and as a result I never considered them important as well. 

I’ve always been weak, I think. I find it hard to stand by my own ideas when others have different opinions. I always doubt myself. 

How do I stop, then, being my own worst judge, and become my own independent lawgiver?

#personal #tw: anorexia #woah look at me being shamelessly vulnerable on main

[letsdiscoverkitty]

CPA update (30th August 2019)

I did not plan to write this this evening but I needed to get this out somewhere.

I know I haven’t been very present online and I can only apologise for that but as you can imagine things have been quite challenging since being admitted. I had my first CPA so I thought I would make a little post to help me begin to process it/get some thoughts down....(warning: very long post ahead, snacks may be necessary, and I am sorry if it does not read well/make much sense, I literally just typed my heart out)

For those who are not sure of what one is, a CPA is basically a care plan review where your treatment team review the past few weeks/months (time since the last review) and then start to plan the next stages of your care. It is a chance for different members of your treatment to meet and make sure that everyone is on the same page. Today my CPA consisted of my consultant, one of the nursing staff from the ward, the OP ED nurse I was seeing before I came in, myself and my parents. The first half of the review was just between professionals, I was then called into the room for a discussion followed by my parents nearer the end.

It is hard to remember what I have shared online so I am sorry if some of the things I mention do not make sense but I will try to cover most of what happened. I had my ward round on Thursday (due to the bank holiday weekend just gone), in which a lot of new ideas were brought to the table as, well, no one really knows what to do with me… A week or so ago I wrote a letter to my consultant as I was beginning to worry about what the plan was for when I was discharged (as it was being implied that I was to be discharged over the next few weeks)/that my community team were not replying to any messages and that I was concerned about going back home to live at my parents house.

My main worries with returning home were mainly because it is a place where I have been unwell for many years and I find that when I go back there it is almost like anorexia snaps back without me realising it/I can’t control it. Sadly due to being unwell at home for years, I do associate home with bad things, I also do not currently have no goals or things to be working towards (i.e. I have no education to go back to, no job lined up or thought about to go back to) and the worry is that I would be going back home to just anorexia and relapsing backwards. Throw into the mix that my mum retired last week, as well as the family dynamics always being quite rocky (along with being geographically being incredibly socially isolated), I think it is fair to say that I was extremely worried about the prospect of home leave let alone moving back home permanently and with very limited outpatient support.

A long story short, my consultant agrees that going back home is likely not going to help me move on/recover/give me a chance of living a life beyond this, however she also does not believe that staying in an acute EDU will help (which I do understand). In terms of why she thinks that being on the unit for longer might not help include that my weight has not been reaching the targets that are expected, I am struggling on leave/when I get given more control, as well as the usual pitfalls of being on an EDU like being trapped around a lot of other acutely unwell people, having the identity reinforced and the lack of responsibility/it not necessarily coming from me. I floated the idea of going to live in Reading with Andi however she shot me down straight away at that stage saying that I was far too unwell for that…

Anyway, to get to the point, she wants to apply for funding for me to go into residential treatment. This is not something that I know much about, although I do know that getting funding for a place is very very hard and that there are very few places that offer it in the country….from what she explained to me it is a more holistic approach, with the focus on helping you build a life beyond anorexia whilst also supporting you nutritionally. (it sounds far too fairytale-esque for my liking…)She said that as I have had a lot of psychological input and have been under services with very few gaps over the years, that it was obvious that a new approach was needed and that this style might be that. Apparently I have incredible insight/understanding however because the anorexic neural pathways/cognitions have become so strong and rigid, I find it near impossible to force myself to follow through with the theory that I know so well.

I honestly have no idea how I feel right now. I am utterly lost and confused and don’t really know what to do with myself. I feel like no one knows what to do with me/what will help and they are just trying to get rid of me. I want to recover, I really do.  My consultant said that it is not that I don’t want to or don’t have motivation, but that it is the degree of severity of the illness and the complexity of my case, which kind of helped but also left me feeling very broken and hopeless.

She tried to explain all of this to my parents today and I am actually relieved that she was able to speak to them about it as there is no way that I would have been able to approach the subject. She explained it in scientific terms and tried to be realistic about the whole process (which could likely take months to apply for funding, let alone get on the waiting list/pass assessments).

My OP team are apparently supportive of this and are going to work together with the IP team, my consultant and the therapist I was seeing as an OP to put together a proposal for the CCG. Sadly, as I have mentioned this is going to be quite a lengthy process and I don’t really know where it leaves me…If this were not being explored then I would be getting discharged to the same very minimal support that I have had over the past x years, which has not been enough in the past.

So what now? Good question. Basically I have been told that I have to “prove” to the CCG that I am not just in need of an acute EDU admission and that the funding would not be going to waste…this means that I have to show that I can maintain my weight in the community (or gain if possible) as if I were to relapse they would likely just say that I need an acute admission and refuse the funding, leaving me back at square one.

This admission was never going to be a long one, I knew that, but part of me was hoping for a bit longer…I suppose it has brought to the surface the necessity for a different approach to be explored, which I hope means something. Basically my admission can’t be extended, that has been made clear, and I now have a discharge date for two weeks time…with little to no idea of time length beyond that in regards to this talk of residential.

I honestly don’t know what to think or how to feel right now, I really don’t. Part of me thinks that they are making a big fuss over nothing and that there is no way that I will get funding as there are so many people out there with far worse scenarios than mine who need it more. At least I have a home to go to, I know there are many people who dont, so I should really just suck it up and try and do what I can at home with the support that I have.

I have no idea what the residential would entail practically but I am worried that it could end up feeding into my eating disorder even more? I know the reason for the admission would be to help me build a life beyond anorexia, but surely being stuck in a place like that almost reinforces that identity? I dont know, I am very confused about everything right now :(

Short term plan: I have an appointment set up with the ED nurse I am to see in the community for Monday morning and have been given a bit of extra leave this weekend to make it possible for me to attend. When I return to the ward on Monday afternoon I will be moving onto transition and have been promised that I will have a number of appointments with the dietitian over my last two weeks in order to create a realistic maintenance plan for when I go home (as well as trying to get my mum to attend an appointment with the two of us). I am also trying to get an appointment for my mum to come to a family therapy session (they have pretty much written off my dad as someone who can be supportive for a number of reasons which I do not want to go into right now) Being on transition hopefully will give me a bit of an opportunity to self-cater some meals and practice before I move back home for the foreseeable future.

It all feels very rushed and uncertain and I was not expecting to get this much leave this weekend so don’t really know what to do with myself but yeah I suppose this is where things are at. The ward has been quite a tricky environment so on the one hand I am glad to have some space, however Im also worried about it too.

I am sorry, I realise that this whole post probably comes across as extremely selfish and stupid - I wish I could shake myself/pull myself together and just do what I know I need to do but whywhywhy do I keep ending up back in the same place time and time again? I have tried so bloody hard over the past x years but it has never been enough….I do not want to end up being sent to a unit where I will spend months/my consultant briefly mentioned that admissions are usually between 1 and 2 years long…I really dont. but I dont know what else to do with myself when so many options have been explored. I am tired of it all, of everything. It is like I dont know where to turn anymore. Part of me feels like I am just getting palmed off from place to the next because no body knows what to do with me. sigh. I am sorry for throwing this pity party. I wish I had some more positive news to share with you all. I suppose yes I have made some progress since I was admitted. I have gained weight. I am no longer in as much danger as I was. I have had to face a lot of changes in terms of routines, eating different foods, times, I can think a little clearer, I have more concentration etc. Things are just very hard at the moment and having everything in terms of my treatment thrown up in the air like this has made me feel even more unsettled and uncertain about everything. I have no idea what the next few weeks/months may hold so for now I am going to have to continue to take each day as it comes and see where it takes me. Sorry again for the ridiculous  length of this post, you genuinely deserve a gold medal if you have stuck with me through this.

#personal #tw #tw just in case #long post #I am sorry for being so rubbish and not updating or posting much #things havent been very good #and I am struggling more than I care to admit #thank you for sticking by me though #you have no idea how much it means to me #sorry if this does not make sense

[insvisiblestrings]

A Chat About Mental Health

So if you didn’t know it is mental health awareness month and I happen to be diagnosed with a few of the most stigmatized illnesses as well as a few that typically aren’t stereotyped as belonging to people like me. So I want to.. talk about it. In hopes to break some stigma, break some stereotypes, and maybe even inspire someone to hold on? That’s asking a lot, so, let’s just see where this takes us.

I was a sad anxious lil kid. I was praised for being so polite and mature and in reality I was being hit at home and I wasn’t shy, I was anxious. When I went to my grandma’s after school I would eat and eat until I could feel anything at all, anything other than the shame of having no friends. I will skip the triggering details but I eventually saw a psychologist who did horrible things to me, I was seven. So at the age of seven I was anxious, I was traumatized, and I had been engaging in disordered eating for about 3 years. I also had the perfect storm of genetics and a bad home life where my brain just went bad. Not bad like evil, more like an avocado you forgot about in the fridge. I was a good kid, a good thing. But the mush inside was not good. I had violent, angry outbursts. I started self harming when I was 9, banging my head into walls and touching radiators too long. At 10 the panic attacks started and to cope with them I would count anything and everything, obsessively. If I was interrupted I would panic even more. At 11 I graduated to other types of self harm, mixed with too many pills, and at 12 I went on my first diet, which involved a sticky note on my bedroom door saying “do not go get food”. Looking back I see my diagnoses plain as day, a neon sign above my childhood memories of “this is when you started!” and other times just a question mark of habits I don’t ever remember living without. 

I do not remember my teenage years. I remember bits and bobs, but not the way I remember my childhood, which is so cleanly divided by year. It is a blur of “why are you like this” and “maybe this time the treatment will work.”

Things I do remember: the first time I threw a fit in the school cafeteria because my friend put her cheese into my salad (14), passing out and hitting my head on the stove on christmas morning (15), having a heart attack in 4th period english (16), long nights of texting my friend how scared I was the blood wouldn't stop (17), crying as I walked across campus (18), the onset of kidney failure from dehydration (19), and lying to my loved ones (14-19).

My teenage years were a blur of waiting rooms and bathrooms and my bathroom scale, the nutrition facts of my favorite foods and the taste of Kim K’s diet pills (grape, blegh). I saw a lot of people who didn’t do a lot to help. I got diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, Bulimia, EDNOS, and social anxiety. When I got to college I tried to commit suicide... four times. I got hospitalized and tried so hard to do better, to be better, to get better. It did not stick. I saw a psychiatrist on campus, we tried on a lot of diagnoses. I drank a lot of Ensure, I cried a lot. I screamed at her for daring to tell me what I did not want to hear. 

She diagnosed me with: Anorexia Nervosa (purging type), Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, ADHD, and the cherry on top: “Parker I’m afraid you’re on the path to becoming an alcoholic.” 

Life with these is not easy. For one, people are annoying as hell. Joking about having OCD when you mean, “organized.” Thinking that people with personality disorders are “abusive and scary.” Or, and this is maybe the worst one, thinking that only combat veterans get PTSD. Eye. Roll. Also the “you’re not thin enough to be anorexic” and “you don’t seem crazy.” But what is life actually like when I am, lowkey, crazy? It is listening to Taylor Swift while eating a meal I really do not want to eat. It is learning to plan for down the road, because I will be alive many years from now. It’s trying my very best to put kindness into the world despite the horrible things in my mind. 

I saw that psychiatrist last in June of 2018. Since then I went off my meds, attempted suicide twice, contemplated suicide a thousand times, went through another traumatizing event and got PTSD: The sequel, and also I relapsed with my eating disorder like, a billion times. I made a post on here in August about being 10 months into recovery. I relapsed the very next week. Then again. And again. This is when my kidneys almost failed, and I was told “you’re going to treatment” and my insurance said “no he isn’t” and I had to not die at home. and also it was Thanksgiving. Anyone else in recovery from an ED: you feel my pain on that one. I also celebrated a very happy christmas, I baked a lot of treats and I actually ate them!! I went vegan for the best reasons and I did not lose weight doing so. I cried in a very fancy restaurant but I ate my whole freakin meal and that became a favorite spot for us. I stopped telling people “I’m bipolar, not borderline” and admitted that I am, indeed, borderline. OCD is still a bitch, I need to be back on prozac. My room is a mess, just saying! But I think that my loved ones will die in a crash if I do not say “drive safe” and close the door 3 times and count the minutes until they get where they are going.

In short: Life went on, and had very happy moments. Life dragged on, and left me feeling miserable. At this point in time I am 3 months into recovery from my eating disorder and I am struggling but I want to get better, truly, and that’s something. I am kind of suicidal lately, to be honest. I have angry outbursts and I cried in public the other day. But I’m about two months clean from self harm, and I told my boyfriend that I was feeling rough and needed extra support. I got told the other day that I look like I’ve lost weight and I tried so so hard to stay off the scale. I caved. I have lost a little weight. I can recognize that isn’t something to be happy about, even if I am a little bit happy. I am still struggling, that I can say. PTSD is here to stay, as is BPD. Manageable but not curable, that’s just my life. I am moving forward beyond the years of waiting rooms and hospital walls. I smile every day. I struggle, but I am miles away from where I was at 10, 15, 17. 

That’s my mental health story. It’s still in progress, but I hope it can show that some form of upward movement is possible. I am both a “it gets better” moment and in need of some “it gets better” inspiration. Thanks for reading if you did :) If you ever have questions about how I try to get better, or about my illnesses please send me an ask! I love talking about it, I needed someone to tell young me that I wasn’t ok and there were answers and help out there.

#mental health awareness month #anorexia recovery #borderline personality disorder #actuallyocd #ptsd

[anothergirlrecovering]

Dietician day 10

Yikes is sort of the only way I can really describe how my session with Peggy went today. I got there and put my stuff down and she weighed me . She said she liked my being boots and brought up the fact that her daughter has a pair and apparently doesn’t wear them because she doesn’t think they’re comfortable and she called them duck boots and was like is that what they are actually called and I was like I think duck boot is the style of boot but been booed is the brand and I said I agree that they weren’t necessarily the most comfortable of shoes but that was mainly because I have such a narrow feet so I have a lot of wiggle room in there but my other pair that has the fleece lining inside to keep my feet warm are super comfortable I think it’s just because my feet fit it correctly. She said she’s told her daughter to just wear them more often to break them in because she thinks that the problem but she said that’s my daughter who is just strong-willed and that’s just how she is. And then we came back in and sat down together and she asked about how things are going and I said they’re OK and she said well talk to me we can talk about the food after but how is everything going and I said I guess it’s going and I mentioned how I have that exam today and how things have felt OK for the last few days because I’ve just sort of been focusing all my energy on studying and my husband was away from the weekend and I said that he and Peggy had talked and she was like yeah did you guys talk about it and I said yeah and she asked how it went and I said it went fine and I think he was sort of relieved that I wasn’t telling him one thing and telling her another but that he was kind of surprised by her treatment recommendations because I made it seem like it was lightly suggested and he said that it was definitely suggested and she was like yeah and we are going to take some more time today to talk specifically about that and I said so I guess everything has kind of been OK just sort of up-and-down. She said she thinks that I know that I need treatment and she brought up whether or not I had been in treatment at this way before and I just sort of nodded. I brought up how the last time I was in treatment and I have been purging like nine times a day and they didn’t refer me to a higher level of care and they just discharged me and so when I compare it to that it’s like this is no big deal and that back then I know based on the DSM was severe and this now doesn’t even meet criteria for mild and she pointed out that I had lost weight really quickly and then I clearly have a lot of other behaviors that do you qualify for treatment and she was like you can’t use bad treatment in the past to justify not needing help now. She asked me if I had looked into treatment options and I said no and she took out a piece of paper and started writing down different treatment centers that are within a few states away and she asked me if there were any others that I would be thinking of and whether or not I would want to stay somewhat close to home and I didn’t really say much in response to anything other then I said yeah and she just kept writing a list and then she brought up seeing and eating this order therapist and what my thoughts were and if I had talked to Lynn and I said yes and that Lynn pretty much said that if treatment was the recommendation by Peggy then we needed to have me at least get an assessment by needing this for a therapist and Peggy said that she really thinks I need it and so she started writing a list of different eating disorder specialists and the first when she asked me about was Stephanie and I was like that’s Amber‘s therapist and I feel like it would be a conflict of interest and she was like OK well I see Amber too but it’s fine and I was like well I know that she’s talked about me recently and I just feel like I’ve been awkward position to be in because I’ve had that happen with clients and It can be hard to navigate and she pretty much said that would be Stephanie‘s job to determine and not mine and it’s her call as to whether or not it is a conflict of interest and I don’t need to worry about that and that she may not taking New people anyway but she put it on the list and then wrote down a few others and then she asked me about things with food and I said I think they were going OK some areas better than others and she was like we really need to be looking at treatment options and I was like why and she said that my weight did go down again but again very marginally and I was dumbfounded because I expected it to be up and I haven’t been weighing myself so I wasn’t really aware of my weight. She brought up feeling like my anxiety is just too high to do this at the outpatient level and she asked him anxiety has been and was like a lot of people talk about their anxiety preventing them from doing that hard at work and she checked my chart to see if I was on medicine and I was like I’m not but I started the CBD oil and that actually has helped with a lot of the physical anxiety that I would normally be feeling but not so much with the ruminating thoughts which she was like with eating the ruminating thoughts get better right and she was like do you remember when you started to get better last time and I was like I don’t know I feel like I’ve always had a problem with ruminating thoughts and I don’t necessarily mean like around food and body image because yes that gets better with eating and was an issue before but like at this point I just constantly end up ruminating on things that can’t be changed and are in the past and I don’t know why and I can’t seem to really stop thinking about them I just got lost in my head a lot. I ended up explaining that I have a hard time thinking that this is a big deal because I’m like I don’t feel like I’m severe enough to even need treatment because when I think back to like the last time that I left IOP it was like I was throwing up nine times a day and somebody should’ve sent me impatient but they didn’t and even then where I’m like on a criteria level that meets criteria for Severe and right now while I know that I’m underweight I don’t even need the BMI criteria for mild anorexia and she was like that’s not the only criteria that goes into whether or not somebody goes to treatment she was like you know that you have a lot of behaviors that warrant being in treatment and she was like all so you dropped weight so quickly and when you factor that in you know that was what like 1516 pounds pretty quickly and difficulty increasing weight and we’ve been sort of hovering around this point now for over a month. I said I understood and she said that she wants me to call treatment centers and do an assessment and schedule with an eating disorder therapist before our next appointment in two weeks. I was like I don’t mean to be contentious or aggravating but like honestly why do I even need to gain weight like it’s long as I’m eating like 2000 cal a day which is like what I’m doing I mean why does it matter because I was like honestly like my labs came back fine and I haven’t lost my period and I don’t feel like I look sick and I feel fine so it’s like why does it matter why can I just continue at the rate I’m going and if that means really slow weekend then who cares how slow or fast it is if my body is clearly fine and she was like it’s not fine and she said my height and then I definitely need to be eating more than 2000 cal and she was like you’re an active young adult you need to be eating more anyway and then now we are currently trying to restore. You give me a long lecture on restoring weekend and she asked me what I was hearing her say because I was just staring at the floor and I was like basically that I need to eat a lot more in order to gain. She pointed out that I wasn’t really following the meal plan and eating enough. She reminded me that the structure of being inpatient would be helpful with that because I would have to sit there and eat and if I didn’t then I would have to supplement and she was like short of hiring a babysitter to eat with you that’s just not feasible at the outpatient level and so she said she really thinks that I need to be in that higher level of care to at least get some traction going which I was like a Man why I just disappear for a month and then which how do I even manage that because it could be more than a month because Amber scared me and was like laughing about how I would need to be putting on at least like 25 pounds to get to that like healthy middleground ideal weight and so that would definitely be more than one month so what am I gonna call all my clients after one month and be like oh hey by the way I need to stay for an extra two weeks and then into weeks be like oh hey by the way I need to stay for another two weeks can’t give you an ideal timeframe on when I’ll actually be coming back and then when I show up again I’m gonna just magically be 25 pounds heavier and she was like and so what if that was the case and I was like people are going to know and she was like so what if they do that means you are taking care of yourself and I brought up the fact that I have a lot of doctor clients and she was like then they should understand because they are in a position where if they are struggling with something they are supposed to go get help to because if they don’t then what they could have a medical lawsuit when they have a malpractice issue come up because they weren’t taking care of them selves. She said basically if people do you know then that’s a great model for them to recognize that it’s OK for them to get help and I was like I don’t want to be that model of like relapses OK because what kind of message of recovery and hope does that promo and she was like one that says that it’s OK to take care of yourself and take some time away to do that just let people go to therapy at all different points of their life and I was like yeah or it promotes the idea that you could be totally seemingly fine for like three years maybe half assed recovery for one year and then end up in a full-blown relapse and she was like you can hang onto that narrative all you want but you can’t project an answer for your clients you don’t know what they are going to say or think or feel or do you and I was like they might not want a therapist who was actively struggling or they may be mad about it and she was like and then they’ll leave and that’s that but if they have been receiving the quality care that they’ve needed I doubt they are going to change therapists over something like that and if they do so what. She said that I’m hanging onto this narrative that I’m worthless and she was like it’s just not true she was like you need help and that’s OK. I just kind of sat there bordering tears and she said that she could tell that I was sad and she was sorry and I said it wasn’t her fault and she said she knew but she hates that I’m feeling so bad about everything and I just kind of sat there staring at the floor. I said that I get stressed out over the different food groups and not wanting to repeat the same ones and she was like why and I was like I don’t know it’s just like if I’ve already had Allman butter breakfast and I feel like I shouldn’t have been better at lunch because those are basically the same thing and she was like they’re not the same thing and it’s completely fine you could literally have both of those back to back an hour apart if you want it I don’t really care I just want you to be eating like a lot more you can have as much as you want I have giving you permission. I asked her if she had ever heard of the blue zones and she was like yes I know what it is but I haven’t actually read the book and I was like I get so anxious about eating meat because I want to live a long healthy life and she was like youre not eating enough to live a long healthy life and I was like OK but when I think about like actually eating I get so stressed about eating meat because the only thing they found in common with their diets was little to no meat an average of once a week and a lot of beans and legumes and she was like well do you already don’t eat a lot of meat and right now you eat a lot of protein and it’s fine if you want to be eating more beans and legumes but the reality is that right now you are just too underweight to be eating so much fiber and feeling so full all the time and we can’t be on the blue zones diet. If that something you want to shoot for much later on fine but right now we can’t be going that route. She started going over the meal plan and changing the exchange is to increase even more and started writing things down and looking for an exchange sheet that explained sugar is making up one of the green servings because she was like I need you to have 12 g and I was like that’s like 12 slices of bread and a day and she was like well not entirely and when she explained that sugar is counted as a green like maple sera up on pancakes it made a lot more sense. She was like I know I’m overwhelming you in this probably feels like a lot of food and I was like yeah and then a point I had deep side and she mimicked me and I was like I couldn’t help but laugh but I also couldn’t tell if she was joking about the fact that I was being dramatic but I also know that I have a tenancy to deep sigh when I’m feeling really anxious because I don’t pace my breathing well and then I end up having to take a big breath to compensate. At a point I felt myself closing off and I hugged my knees to my chest and normally I keep my feet on the floor because I am fairly cognizant of the fact that that’s clear body language that indicates that you’re closing yourself off but it was like I couldn’t help it and she was like what’s going on you are clearly closing off right now are you feeling overwhelmed and I said can I ask you something and she said sure and I said are you going to stop seeing me without warning if I don’t go to treatment and she was like no absolutely not I never do that to people and she said basically that she’s had it happen once were somebody did that to her but usually people are pretty good about telling her that they are feeling overwhelmed and not ready to do the work or that they need to go to treatment first and then come back out and she was like because you know it’s just a lot of work to do and most people can’t get better from all of this without having to go to treatment because of how hard it is and it’s not that it’s impossible as much as it’s just easier with the right support and she paused and was like why are you worried about that and I was like yeah and then I started to tear up and I explained that Amber had told me that she was going to stop seeing me without warning and she was like no we might have that conversation at some point where if things become so dangerous that it would be unethical to see you at the outpatient level then yes I would need to stop seeing you but that has only happened to me once and thankfully that person did go inpatient after her therapist and I both said we needed her to absolutely go to a higher level of care. She brought up my trip this week and if I had gotten snacks to pack and I said yeah and she asked how I was feeling about it and I said OK and she hoped it would be a good conference and she was excited for me to learn a lot. I told her about how they don’t actually provide meals and so I’ll have to just figure something out because they give you like a two hour gap to go get lunch but there’s plenty of food options there so I’m sure I will figure something out. When talking about treatment she asked what I was thinking about actually going and I was like I mean I’ve thought about it but not seriously considered it and I explained that my parents would be coming in April to visit that first week and pretty much my husband and I basically agreed that if I wasn’t gaining weight by the way in that week with Peggy then we would tell my parents while they were here that I was going to go to treatment again. I don’t member how it came up but I do remember that I said I was like I just wish that everyone would just ignore it like I feel like a not not a big deal and I’m think I was just kind of hoping that with enough time passing that everyone would kind of see that things are fine and just ignore it and she laughed and was like I appreciate the honesty around that and I was like I know it’s not rational but I really just wish that I could go back to everybody ignoring it and not caring. She asked me if I had been this much in denial and minimizing the last time I was in treatment and I was like no and she’s like is it because you feel like you’re so much more at stake this time and I was like I don’t know I think it’s because comparatively speaking like when I think of somebody struggling with anorexia he needs to be impatient I think back more to like the first time and that I even went to treatment and it’s like my husband and I were dating and fighting all the time and a totally different type of fight we would be like my stomach would growl he would insist I was hungry I would adamantly denied that I was hungry and then I would cry and have a breakdown over being given an apple to try to eat and she was like well you’re still having breakdowns and struggling and I was like not in the same way and I explain that like I’m not sitting there obsessively anxious and crying over calories and it feels so different that it’s easy to minimize and be like I’m fine. I walked with her to the copy room where she was making copies of my goals for the week which made me aware that I weirdly felt dizzy and kind of lightheaded although it could be because I actually hadn’t eaten my breakfast with her like we normally do and I don’t know if she just forgot or wasn’t going to push it because she wanted to test me and see what I was going to do I don’t really know about whatever the case I hadn’t eaten with her and I stood there leaning on the table and she was like I know that you’re upset and I just kind of didn’t really say anything and she said you really do need to eat more and I was like but why it feels like everything is honestly fine. She was like is it fine and I was like yeah and she was like I don’t think that’s what everyone else would say and I was like it’s not fine for you or my husband but for me like yeah I feel fine my labs came back normal I haven’t lost my period and it’s like so if I’m healthy then why is it such a big deal to everyone and she was like those are just a snapshot of what’s going on and I was like and the EKG was normal and she was like you’re not fine and I was like it just feels like it is fine. We walked back to her office and I sat down with my paper. She printed me a bunch of blank and meal plans and I said that it might be easier to follow through with it now that the exam will be done after today which hopefully I will pass but then I’ll be able to actually allocate more time to recovery and planning and she was like does that mean that you haven’t been doing the actual meal plan the day before and I was like shook my head and was like honestly no and I explained that once I had missed one it was easier to just keep missing them and I just got so burnt out on trying to make everything work and do it right and I just said never mind and since I was still packing food the night before I kind of just ignored it. She said she wanted me to continue with not exercising and with a not weighing myself. She said that she would be out of town next week for spring break and so we scheduled for the week after