#i’m kind of disconnected from all that

[braisedhoney]

in judgement and in apathy

#tsp #tsp fanart #the stanley parable #the stanley parable fanart #tsp narrator #tspud #the stanley parable ultra deluxe #narry is so near and dear to my heart at this point he really is like my old man son #he’s hilarious too bc he’s so uncompromisingly aroace #but also by far has the most simps of any character i’ve ever drawn #uh. as far as i know #i’m kind of disconnected from all that #… like father like son. or something. apples and trees. whatever floats your boat #been enjoying taking a break from super rendered pieces #but i think part of it is bc i don’t lose as much of the sketch/lineart #anyway w/e take this pic of my old man son <3

[nuppu-nuppu]

Ignore if you don’t want to read about me being stupid once again

#pls dont read if you cant handle venting and whining #once again i am here to say that i am the loneliest person alive and i feel like i can’t grasp the basic consept of friendship and do it lol #like idk how to be friends #i feel like i will forever be sad and lonely #and i know everyone will say you can talk to me and i know that but i’ve just been by myself for so long that i don’t remember how to have #actual conversations with people i feel like i am disconnected from reality #i feel like i am an extremely unlikeable person and that’s why i was all alone in highschool and idk i am oversharing on the internet again #because it’s the only place i kind of feel safe doing it #pls take care of yourselves first before comfoting me or anything im sorry i sound very pathetic #how do i start living again #how does one live anyway #im just in my head all the time #this was supposed to be hot girl summer but it’s once again summertime sadness #im so stupid!!! #im so anxious and depressed that i dont know what to do with myself #im so sorry for oversharing i have a therapist dont worry im kind of taking care of myself #but the eternal loneliness just wont let me go #idk how to be a person anymore #i’m just sad #thinking of going to a church and pretend to be a believer so i could have a community again lol

[babyfairy]

it takes about 5 seconds of thinking about my personal life before i start to cry now i think that’s really cool and good. fun too

#said literally 3 words earlier to my mom and started to cry so i stopped immediately like i’m so tired dude. #i don’t want to think about any of it anymore. i wish i could just go on autopilot. i’m so mentally checked out #from everything and everyone. i feel like i’ve given up on almost everything i enjoy doing #i just work go home watch tv sleep and then repeat it all over and over. i can’t be still. i can’t live in the moment anymore really even #because that means i have to be present and absorb what’s actually going on around me. all the change #i feel like i’m fading into the background more and more every day #i don’t even care either it’s just kind of like …? good lol #the more i fight my grief the worse it gets #if i can outrun it until my time here is up then that’s fine. i’m sure i won’t but. lol #anyway if you read all this i’m fine i just don’t really like being alive it’s whack imo nothing brings me joy long term #it’s all fleeting. mostly i just feel blank and disconnected #and that’s it. and tired lol

[disasterhimbo]

Being marginalized, especially in multiple ways, is just learning most people don’t give a shit about your happiness, health, or safety. It hurts the worst imo when even people in one marginalized group you’re a part of don’t give a shit about you bc you’re part of another marginalized group they don’t care about. And they’re not even honest about it, they pretend to care, and they think they’re good people as they’re hurting you.

#I’m just disappointed in most people at this point honestly #but it’s getting so hard to act normal around most people even for brief interactions #just got a haircut and the hairdresser refused to wear the N95 I brought in favor of a surgical mask and said she knows she’s not sick #and then give me bullshit health advice like that sunlight before noon is really healing and something about negative air when it rains #and then say how excited she was to see Dave Chapelle live #and she knows I’m trans and I’m sure she thinks of herself as an ally #this also goes for all the queer people who aren’t covid-conscious #and all the covid-conscious people who aren’t for disability justice #and racism in the queer community and pretty much any intersection of marginalized identities #I just don’t understand how people can care about one marginalized group and be completely disconnected from the others? #not being intersectional feels like it almost defeats the point #my post #original post #personal #a secret third kind of post #leftism #intersectional leftism #marginalized people #marginalized groups #socialism #communism #anarchism #anarchy

[szczylpierdolony]

life is falling through my fingers more that usually

#i’ve been in a pretty much constant state of panic since january #and it’s gotten worse recently bc of 1. thesis writing (or lack thereof) #2. administrative problems at uni that i caused due to the constant state of anxiety and depression #like whyyyy do things like going to the uni office send me spiraling like nothing else #and i’ve been feeling weird and disconnected for a while now and nothing seems to interest me anymore #like i’m light headed in the worst way and i think if one thing goes badly i’ll genuinely fall down crying #and i can’t seem to do anything productive bc of the anxiety either #ok i checked usos. the administrative problem got more or less solved #oh thank god #i love depression loveee it love causing problems for myself that i later have to bother other people about bc i can’t solve them by myself #esp when you have to admit to them that mental illness is what caused them bc even when they’re sympathetic and nice about it i still feel #like such a pathetic idiot my god #also i’ve been thinking a lot abt how a pattern that repeats in my life is the lack of closure #from silly things to more serious ones #like how i didn’t attend my elementary school graduation nor the hs one #the first one bc of travelling and the second bc of covid #so i just closed my laptop and then went to pick up my diploma after matura results and that was it i never saw any of my teachers or #thanked them etc #and how all my friendships that died out were this kind of sudden drop like nothing happened but we just stopped talking one day and that #was it and idk where we stand #and how i seem to leave loose threads everywhere i go and i can’t tell if it’s just a coincidence or if i do that on purpose but #unconciously so as to not have to deal with things ending bc that scares me #i’ve never felt grounded in any moment and it’s so strange #also yeah yeah weird behaviour meant to save me from abandonment whatever #📓 #niedziela wieczór i humor popsuty co mogę powiedzieć

[mieldelsol]

#going crazy going crazy I neeeed that stage NOW #i don’t even know when gayo daejun is lmao #man. now that day6 is back and active I’m just overwhelmed (in a good way) like let’s gooooooooooo #and also not to get emo but back in 2019 I was going through stuff and kind of disconnected from my interests but day6 was always there 🫶🏼 #I was scared like ‘2024 is when they’ll all be back.. that’s such a long time from now.. who knows if I’ll still like them..’ but I’m here!!

[latinokaeya-moving]

semi related kinda actually. one of those super common fat stereotypes that didn’t really stick/make sense to me until i grew older was the idea of fat equaling weak or pathetic like. that’s a really common association right in both media and the average consciousness of ppl. but it was never something i learned to internalise as a kid bc a Lot of ppl in my family including myself had always been built big and broad and everyone was always just so physically strong??? like looking back not in an unnaturally impressive way or anything but just so many of them had been manual labourers in some way in colombia and then they came here to do cleaning and even though it might not seem it that’s Such a physically taxing job especially if you’re doing it for 12+ hours every day and like. the strength that built Showed in the roughhousing at home so clearly ?

like as little kids me and my brother would gang up on my grandma to play wrestle and she would sooo soundedly defeat us each time like she had such solid grip and weight behind her arms even as an old lady she was short but broad and Sturdy and physically strong!!! and my brother is huge and tall and Fat he was the biggest kid in secondary school i’m so sure and he could pick up and manhandle and throw other kids even older than him with ease. he played rugby with these fit lanky guys i knew in my year who would tell me that they would stay the Fuck away from him when they played bc they knew he was unmovable and Would slam them to the ground without breaking a sweat. hell he could right now pick me up and physically slam me on the ground if he really wanted to and im big! i’m heavy as hell! i weigh almost as much as he does!

so growing up surrounded by my family i just. kinda got used to associating fatness with physical strength as this obvious innate thing so when i sorta expanded my horizons n saw the way it was used in popular media as visual shorthand for like. laziness And Therefore weakness it was just very. unintelligible. it didn’t make sense to me at all. i didn’t get it lol

#x #i know it’s a double edged thing right. like fat r both weak/pathetic but also these huge intimidating monsters to the dainty thin ppl #but while the monstrous association w fatness was Very much instilled in me the weak part was Not At All. it’s possible that being nonwhite #affected that for me in some way but u know. whatever. #it’s just a really strange disconnect i still have w the way fatness is perceived and portrayed #a lot of stereotypes i like. know them and am aware of them and. not necessarily Understand them obviously but like. i have reasonable #common knowledge of them that i picked up as a kid right #but this is just one of those things that continues to be rlly jarring when i see it #even if logistically i understand where the ideas n ideology behind it comes from #weird right. it might be a kinda ‘cultural’ thing of like. valuing the look of ‘real physical strength’ / sturdiness as well i guess #but even in theae cultures there still feels like there’s a kind of Obvious divide between the perception of fat ppl as Strong vs as Weak #and it just wasn’t something i ever caught onto lol. i guess i was too in my own feelings about feeling monstrous/inhuman bc of my fatness ? #idk man. does anyone get what i’m saying please tell me i’m making sense sndksndjd

[galaxywhale]

friend organised plans for today on the 16th of march

we’ve talked about the plans at least once since then

we talked about the plans last Thursday

we talked about the plans this Thursday (though one friend wasn’t there tbf)

friend send reminder about plans yesterday

friend sent another message this morning with suggestion for dinner

two friends pulled out today at 5 hours then 4 hours before

and idk I know people are allowed to pull out at short notice if they need to but this continues an ongoing pattern with no apparent good reason and I’m just. tired. Especially when these are some of my only (basically are my only) irl friends

#one can’t come because her parents have a family member visiting from the uk next week #and they want her to help make sure the house is ready #which ok surely she could help do that in the rest of the time this weekend other than Saturday night…? #and the other didn’t give a reason #and like I said neither of them are obligated to come but idk I’m just tired of not feeling like spending time together is a priority #especially when im struggling so much rn with feeling disconnected from people and never feeling like any kind of priority for anybody ever #idk if priority is even the right word but I just want to feel like people /want/ to make time for me or find energy for me #ANYWAY #I have sorta made some new friends w my book club people but they’re still in that I like you and we hang out sometimes but idk if I’m fully #comfortable around you and if we’re ‘friends’ yet? stage #but other than this group + them that’s literally all my friends #a group of people who feel so unreliable I wonder if they spending time with me #(​sometimes anyway) #and a group of people who idk if I can consider friends yet and don’t feel entirely comfortable talking to yet #and idk i guess it’s not the end of the world bc these 3 people are the ones I’d pick to come over the others anyway bc we get on better #but hey #anyway there’s my tag essay stream of thoughts lol

[gilligans-islands]

Sometimes I think back to season 1 of ofmd, during the time when ep 7 and 8 had just come out and we got the “You came back?” “Never left.” scene and it hadn’t been confirmed yet that Ed and Stede were gonna get together.

I just remember how scared so many of us were, how little hope we had that anything would really come of the next episodes besides maybe, hopefully a confession scene.

I look back now amazed because of how openly queer this show is now in its 2nd season. How openly queer it was then too despite many of us being too caught up on being burnt by previous shows to really trust it.

If you had told the me who was avidly waiting for the final eps to air—

No, if you had told the me after the final episodes of s1 aired that in season 2 we’d have the main couple—who is GAY—have a scene where the love of one literally bring the other back to life, have a scene where one confesses his love to the other albeit in a roundabout way, kiss not just once but TWICE within 4 episodes, pretty passionately might I add, AND have SEX?! All the while that’s not even all of the explicitly queer relationships and characters in this season by a great margin??

I really don’t think I would have believed anyone, not even my future self.

I don’t know maybe I’m being overdramatic but it just feels so big. They don’t make it a big deal in the show, everyone is just queer in some way. It’s such casual and yet wholly encapsulating representation.

I’ve never felt more represented and I guess normal than when I watch this show.

#there’s always something about lots of shows marketed towards queer people that like they feel genuine and are good rep #but I’ve always felt so disconnected from them in a way? #and that’s not me saying like #oh it wasn’t written by queer people so it’s not accurate enough that’s not what I’m saying #many queer shows are entirely written by queer people #i always kind of feel bad when I don’t want to watch the like big hit queer shows or movies that come out #but I just don’t find them at all relatable #somehow they don’t represent ME #they don’t resonate for some reason #even though they do for many many many other queer people out there #I don’t think I could ever properly explain why #so I will not try to #all I know is that watching this show #this stupid gay little pirate show that I love so fucking much #i finally see #me #I can see myself in these characters #i can relate to them #I’ve genuinely never seen more of myself in a character than I do in Ed #I like to bring up the example of kinning when I think about this #I’ve never really been into kinning characters much #but if ever there was a character that I could say I quote unquote kinned it would be Ed #it’s a wholly new experience being able to actually think that #to see that in a character for me #it just- it means so much #I don’t know if I have the words #I’m running out of tag room and I’m rambling so I’ll wrap this up #I always ramble when I talk about this show #ofmd #ofmd spoilers

[danzainosolitude]

Is there a gender for cis girls who want to be girls

#I’m disconnected from my own body and desperately desire the comfortable-ness other women have in their bodies #I wish I would fit in and communicate with women but we feel like two different species despite being born the same way #I wish I was born a male so these feelings could be diagnosed and fulfilled #I do not feel like a woman but hate the idea of being anything but one #I don’t have a good reason for being divorced from my femininity either it’s not like it’s been forcibly taken away from me due to my race #I played with girls I wore pink I wear skirts and cute dress but I cannot see myself as a woman #even when naked with everything exposed I still don’t feel like a woman #even with a desirable female body I can’t find much feminine about me #recently my concerns with fitting in have started to leech itself into my daily life #I’ve started to worry about my weight and build. even on games I’ve unconsciously been making my avatars trendy to fit in #my sister said everyone feels like this but I can’t help but feel alone in my misery #I hate the idea of sharing this feeling with another person #if I’m more unique people will notice and pay attention to me #it’s not really happening because I just stay inside all day #I don’t have friends a lover or any kind of group #If I didn’t live in the same house as my family I think I’d die from loneliness #rant

[arthur-r]

also this song is hitting me in the face so bad right now i’m not used to wanting sexual autonomy that’s a new college experience and this song is ringing in my ears about it

#tell me baby baby do i walk like a boy do i speak like a boy do i stand like a boy sorry babe you keep asking #do i kiss like a boy should i spit like a boy may i fuck other boys???? #idk. feels like disability and transness are trying to take me away from myself. and it’s a weird like #this is not a dilemma i’ve really had in the past?? like i was pretty happy with being infantilized and de-sexed #(that’s a lie it still feels bad shdhdf) but like i don’t know like i’ve never been LOOKING for attention like that but now it’s like #i dont know. like now im receiving it and i want it but it feels wrong #like i’m an attractive girl or like i’m a tragedy to be rescued and held close or like i’m a piece of fucking meat #depending who i am talking to. i just want to take the reins back i want to be the person who defines myself???? #have never felt as strongly that i want to be a gay man. but im just being compartmentalized and it makes me uncomfortable #anyway i want to feel strong and competent. and soft and kind but i want to be a fucking man about it you know???? #i want to be myself without that making me into a woman in other peoples minds. and i’m really struggling with that #straight men being into me = not fun. the gay guy who liked me was creepy and the bisexual guy im hanging out with worries me slightly #but that’s not his fault you know?? but like i felt so much more secure when i thought he was gay because now i can’t escape the idea that #he likes me in the way he likes women. and that’s internalized transphobia that’s externalizing into biphobia like it’s really not good #but it is. scary and weird. idk i kind of just want to go back and back up and save all of this for after midterms shdhdhf #i dont know. i’m gonna go to sleep for real now but the point is this is a good song and it’s the struggle i’m having right now #and it’s what i was feeling during my flare-up last week that made me feel so broken and disconnected from myself and my sexuality #i dont know. i really like the first guy and we should hangout later. i’m gonna have a nap and figure out later what i’m doing today #but yeah everything is just weird. my flesh to jail my soul i just feel like i could fall!!!! #in the meantime im just gonna focus on experiencing depression. and have a nap about it. wish me luck shdhdf #me. my post. mine. #delete later #friends only #nsfw-ish #???? #ask to tag #vent cw #(sort of. just feeling weird)

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

#I feel very disconnected today #maybe it’s because I’ve been working so much #or maybe it’s because I’ve had to really start masking and tempering my personality around him because I’ve made him uncomfortable too much #maybe it’s everything and all of it #but it’s kind of hard to focus and my mind is just wandering away from me #thinking thoughts that aren’t really making me happy but what can you do #and something inside me just aches right now #part of it is missing my connection with him the way it used to be #not being able to get over him and my stupid crush and the fact that it’s still killing me #part of it is not being able to connect with my coworkers very well #I get along decently enough with the nurses but not enough to sit and talk with them or be a part of the group really #so in almost all aspects of my life I’m just alone and lonely and it’s really starting to affect me in a bad way #I’m just sad and anxious and I feel like these things aren’t getting any better #and I want to be able to talk about my anxieties with this person I consider my best friend #but I’m worried that almost anything I tell him will just upset him and start another fight between us #I already feel like shit since apparently I’m the only reason he stays here #so I feel like a burden and I don’t want to make that worse for him #but fuck I’m really suffering sometimes and I don’t know what to do about it #I don’t know who else to talk to so I’m basically just locking everything up inside me #it’s becoming exhausting #especially because I’m getting burnt out from working so much to help cover for an injured coworker #I mean I don’t have much of a life outside of work but I still kinda want to rest here and there #I just keep trying to read and distract myself in other ways but nothing is really working #I kind of want to just go cry somewhere but I can’t since I’m working #when’s this all gonna get better you know? #when am I gonna have friends and a partner and someone I can talk to about everything without judgement or fear #when am I gonna have a normal life like everyone else? #I’m tired of things always being this way my whole life #why do I deserve to be lonely while everyone else has a jolly old time of life? #why do I have to suffer and be depressed and deal with this bullshit?

[voiceshearingyouloud]

You know it’s bad when you’re crying to Taylor Swift and the song is ‘Teardrops On My Guitar’

#man I don’t even know what the fuck is wrong with me right now #like. I think the stuff with my sibling and my gf nearly dying and my phobia and all that has been under the surface since the weekend #but it took a backseat due to My nearly dying from asthma and bronchitis #god is out to get me for real #or at least out to give me ptsd for the third time #I just. my relationship anxiety is up so high with like oh I love my partner but I don’t like them and everyone says that’s the worst #and I find them annoying and bla bla bla with more idiocy that is not true #yeah maybe I find some of the things they do annoying but doesn’t everyone especially if you’re living with each other? like come on #also I’m always hungry and tired when that comes up so it’s not really a surprise #oh and I have like. kind of an addiction; it’s hard to explain and I don’t want to go into it but it’s stressing me out because it makes me #really grouchy afterwards and I had that right when I was calling my partner and that was stupid as hell because now I feel even more #disconnected and I could’ve maybe fixed almost all of this if I wasn’t such an idiot. #but what I need right now is to sleep and maybe also to text my gf and tell them how I’m feeling #and I have therapy tomorrow morning thank fuck so I’m gonna just spill my guts I think #anne speaks

[braveveth]

realllyyyyy curious to hear if they talk about the choice to change the ending in the podcast. cant imagine they won’t tbh it’s so bewildering. and honestly i can’t think of a good reason to except for maybe?? possibly?? the visuals of ellie outside in the snow covered in blood. but for how much they’ve (sensibly) been changing things for the sake of real world logic vs game logic the ending of this one felt a little off

#tlou #tlou spoilers #i kept thinking as they were walking away ‘is no one gonna SEE YOU THERE???’ #main hub of this town is on fire and there’s no one around???? #and this made joel feel kind of disconnected from everything #acting still stellar of course they’re all so good #but yeah i’m curious to hear them talk about this one