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danny-chase · 2 years

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Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Nightwing (Comics), Batman (Comics), Robin (Comics) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Dick Grayson/Roy Harper Characters: Dick Grayson, Bruce Wayne, Tim Drake, Roy Harper Additional Tags: Dick grayson centric, Dick Grayson Needs a Hug, Hurt Dick Grayson, Coma, Infinite crisis fallout, Teen Titans as Family, Bruce Wayne is Bad at Feelings, Bruce Wayne is a Bad Parent, he's trying but he is not succeeding, Tim Drake Needs a Hug, canonical character deaths, A lot of them - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts, i finagle the timeline Series: Part 23 of Bad Things Happen Bingo Summary:

Bruce, Dick, and Tim in the aftermath of Infinite Crisis, in which Dick wakes up from a three week coma after nearly dying from Bruce as the world rapidly changes around them.

For @paladin-of-nerd-fandom65 who waited a ridiculously long amount of time for this

Fic under cut

The eighteenth floor of S.T.A.R. labs wasn’t supposed to be a hospital, but through the years of partnering with the Titans, the wing of labs and cubicles has been slowly taken over and converted into a fully equipped functioning medical facility. What used to be advanced cybernetic laboratories are now highly equipped operating rooms, an old hallway filled with cubicles has been converted into recovery rooms, and the filing rooms are full of patients requiring twenty-four hour critical care.

Bruce sits just outside the door of one such room. He visited this floor when he was a mere child, marveling at new technologies alongside his father. Thomas was a doctor, and a doting father, who loved to share his interests with his son. “This is the future of medicine.” He’d said. Their tour guide smiled brightly, eager to please (eager for donation pledges, he understands now), and hurried them along. He’d forgotten all about it.

Years later, Dick responded to a crisis at S.T.A.R. - an extremist group holding a group of scientists hostage, demanding their members to be released from prison. By then he knew S.T.A.R. labs had studied them and could list their products alphabetically, but didn’t make the connection - it’s different not being inside a place and either way he was more concerned about Dick’s mysterious hallucinations he reported taking place after entering the building. “I’m fine though.” Dick had said. “I just need sleep.” The nightmares continued. Days later, Dick left home, pursuing a new group of Titans.

And deep down he knows the nightmares weren’t the only thing driving Dick away. “You’re wasting your life, you can’t do this forever! You have so much potential, Dick!” Another slammed door after another. “I don’t need a partner, I need you to focus on school!” Another failed exam after another. Dick trying to split time between school and vigilantism wasn’t working. “I don’t get it.” Bruce had said, tight lipped after Dick bombed his finals. “You know the material better than your professors! You could be teaching these classes, you could answer these questions in your sleep! What’s going on with you?!” Dick shrugged. Then dropped out.

And Bruce was pissed. And he made it known. And Dick moved out. And Bruce… was alone. Again. With mistakes and regrets. Dick visited, but never stayed, all too soon the little kid he’d taken in ten years ago became his own man. With his own life. And Bruce was only a limited part of it. For the most part, he was alone.

He wasn’t sure what about the little twelve year old with a tire iron calling him a ‘big boob’ made him think it was the time for adoption. Maybe it was the black hair. Or the blue eyes. Or the massive chip on his shoulder and unimpressed nature. Either way, he’d learned one lesson with Dick - don’t let your family slip away. And so he’d signed the adoption papers as soon as he possibly could. And Jason was ecstatic. And then he died.

Bruce held his tiny broken body in his arms. His son. Pulled him from the rubble. He lashed out at the world and himself, striking down anything in his path in a fit of rage and fury. He wanted desperately to die, but didn’t have the courage to kill himself or didn’t think he deserved to end the pain. He doesn’t remember much of the time. Cases blended together like the faces of those he pursued. He destroyed anyone and everything that stood in his way.

Then there was Tim. And Tim had a dad already. And the responsibility wasn’t the same. But the damage was already done and he snapped under the pressure, leaving Jean Paul Valley in charge and manufacturing his own disaster because he didn’t know how to pick up a telephone and call the one person suited for the job. The one person he didn’t deserve to call, couldn’t face, after how he acted following Jason’s death.

And still, Dick came back to Gotham, took on the Batman mantle at his whim, and bent over backwards trying to help at every opportunity, angry that he hadn’t been called in sooner. He can’t remember ever saying ‘thanks’. He can’t remember telling Dick what it meant to him. Just that that’s the way things are between “fathers and sons”.

He remembers the way Dick’s face lit up when he called him his son. A hope sparked deep in the back of his mind, one no amount of denial could squash out. It took him years to build up the courage. Years of the paperwork sitting in the top drawer of his desk. Years to trust that he could have a family again, of Jason’s ghost sitting over his shoulder, sending shivers up his spine at the thought of adopting another son.

But Dick was already his son. Just not officially. So he justified it; he asked. And now all he can remember are the words that Dick said, just before he called him his son. “I’d die for you, Bruce.” He’d said, with conviction. Until then it was unspoken. But Bruce had known since Dick was young that he would. “I’d die for you, Bruce.” Dick had said in all earnesty. With the cowl pulled down, staring him in the eye. Bangs falling haphazardly in his face, the room silent around them.

Bruce sits outside the makeshift hospital room. Doctors and nurses change shifts, taking over for one another, monitoring Dick’s condition. The Titans file in and out, looking at him with a mix of pity and blame. “I’d die for you, Bruce.” The words ring in his ears. He sees Dick jump in slow motion, as he turns, too late to stop the laser from cratering into Nightwing’s chest. The shot was aimed at him. Dick was always too fast.

“He would have done the same for anyone.” Clark reassures. He’s not sure when Clark showed up. He’s not sure how long he’s been here. He feels like vomiting. “You should go in. He likes the company.”

“You don’t know that.” Dick was unconscious before he hit the ground. A mess of charred flesh and blood tangled in black and blue. He looked dead. He wasn’t breathing. He looked like Jason. He looked like his parents.

“They say sometimes people can hear you when you’re in a coma.” Tim was sobbing as Diana took Dick away. Bruce couldn’t bear to look. Somehow, he followed along, and made it up to the eighteenth floor and stopped just outside the elevator. The hours Dick spent in surgery were agonizing. Tim fell asleep on the floor next to him, mask and all, and Bruce just stared at the ceiling. The last of the Waynes. Again and again.

“I can’t.” Not again. “Not like…” Jason. If he doesn’t hold a broken body in his arms, if he doesn’t look, if he doesn’t see it happen, then maybe it won’t.

Clark stares at him sympathetically. He doesn’t deserve sympathy, and they both know it. “You need to be strong. For him.”

When Dick was twelve, Two-Face beat him within an inch of his life, the moment he handed Dick over to Leslie he left to track him down, and avoided him for the next month. When Dick was sixteen he got shot and Bruce screamed at him for it and Alfred kicked him out of the room. When Dick was twenty-two Bruce broke his back and nearly died and no one bothered to pick up the phone to call him. When Dick was twenty-three, Bruce sent him to Blüdhaven and watched him take on too much and flounder and didn’t step in because he didn’t know how. Two weeks ago, Clark told Dick he would die if he went back to Blüdhaven, and Dick went anyway. Bruce pulled him out of a radioactive wasteland and dragged him back to the world of the living. And then yelled at Dick. For forgetting the value of his own life. Because that’s all he knows how to do. He’s made so many mistakes.

“Go.” Clark says, more forcefully, pulling him to his feet. Bruce’s mouth goes dry. Clark half drags him forward, through rubble and sand. It’s hotter than it should be, hotter than it is, and Bruce digs what’s left of his chewed-off fingernails into his palms, trying desperately to stay in the now.

“Not again.” He grunts out. Never again.

“Dick’s strong.” So was Jason. “He’ll pull through.” Jason didn’t.

The door opens, and Bruce looks. Long enough to catch a glimpse of the mass of wires and tubes keeping his son alive. And his son, with black hair, blue eyes, and a massive chip on his shoulder, too-still and too-small in the center of a hospital bed. “No.” He squeezes his eyes shut. If he can’t see it, it’s not happening. The machines whir and beep, piercing through his mind. He turns and runs, disappointed angry eyes burning on the back of his neck. Clark doesn’t stop him.

It didn’t take Dick long to catch on. When he was twelve, he didn’t understand. He thought Bruce hated him for failing. Thought Bruce didn’t care about him anymore. The instant that he wasn’t perfect, he was broken, and thrown away like a child’s plaything. The thoughts were only reaffirmed when he was sixteen. But as he matured, spending time with the Titans - he came to terms with Bruce’s fucked up way of showing affection. Affection buried under layers of anxiety and fear. At least… he told himself that’s what it was. Maybe he’s kidding himself. Bruce hasn’t visited. Maybe it’s better that way.

“You can leave.” He tells Roy, once he’s able. He knows it’s hard to be here. Roy shakes his head and scoots his chair closer. “I’m fine.” He tells Donna, when he wakes after a nightmare. She raises a single eyebrow in disbelief, then moves to hold his hand. “If you have more important things-”

“Shut up.” Wally says. “You’re important things. I’m not leaving you here by yourself. We’re not- we’re your friends and we care about you and-” He cuts himself off, then starts rambling about the reconstruction, slipping in little bits of outside information rationed oh so carefully out so that he can’t get a full picture of what’s going on. No one’s told him how bad things are, but from fragmented memories… he can guess.

“Who?” He asks, when Tim comes to visit. Tight lipped the kid blinks back tears and shakes his head. Someone died. “I was there.” He crawled out of wreckage and approached someone kneeling on the ground. The memory ends there. “I’m sorry.”

Tim wipes his eyes. “Wasn’t your fault.” Dick struggles to sit up - whatever hit him fucked with his nervous system - his limbs aren’t listening to him. Tim pushes him back down. “Don’t.”

It’s something he’s considered. A vague possibility in his mind, but one he doesn’t really believe. But he needs the possibility ruled out. “Where’s Bruce?” Tim bites his lip.

“Tracking down Joker. Staying busy.” Dammit to hell, the clown got out in the chaos. “He’d be going after Alex but well uh-” Tim quiets down before saying anymore.

“Vic?” Dick prompts. He hasn’t seen him, but Donna and the Titans would be more upset if he was dead. He needs confirmation.

“Don’t make me.” His hands are shaking, fidgeting wildly with the end of the shirt. That doesn’t bode well. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“Okay.” He’ll have to press someone else. “But I’m here if you need to talk.” It’s not like there’s much else he can do. Tim nods, his gaze boring a hole in the space above Dick’s head. “Tell me something good.” He suggests. Tim sobs through a memory about the time Jack took him fishing. A trip he complained about endlessly leading up to it, but holds close to his heart now.

Dick swears he only blinked, but the lights different and Tim is gone, and Roy’s dozing off in the chair beside the bed. He can’t tell how long it’s been. “Roy?”

“Hm.” Roy snaps to attention. “Hang on.” He walks to the door. “Lian! He’s up!” She comes bursting into frame and leaps into her father’s arms. Roy grins apologetically and carries her in. “She wanted to see you.”

Dick looks at Lian, and watches her shyly bury her head in Roy's chest, sending him the tiniest peaks out from his side. Dick remembers being ten years old, and watching Bruce come out of surgery. “No.” She’s just a kid. He was just a kid. “Roy why-”

“Dick.” He levels his gaze. “She was worried.” And Dick remembers being nine, and the bedroom door being locked so he couldn’t see Bruce in such a state, and crying until Alfred let him in.

Roy sets Lian on the ground, and she reaches out. Dick’s hands shake as he raises them, but he meets her halfway in a very careful hug. “Thanks.” He mumbles. Then rolls his eyes. “Everyone else is afraid to touch me.” He whispers, and winks. She giggles a little, and it’s more out of nervousness than anything else, but he’ll take it.

“We are not.” Roy drawls, proving his point by ruffling Dick’s hair. His hands betray him; Dick can feel them tremble.

“I’m sorry I made you worry.” He says, looking at Lian, but directing it to them both. “I promise I’ll be fine.” He takes Lian by the pinky, and they shake on it. Roy can’t look him in the eye. Dick tries sticking his pinky out to him, but his arm uselessly flops on the bed as the muscles in his arm seize up.

“Shit.” Dick hisses. He’s on a fuckload of medications, but the muscle spasms still hurt like hell.

“I got you.” Roy’s calloused thumbs press into his forearm, kneading out the muscle. “Lian, go back to Uncle Ollie, Uncle Dick’s fine, he’s just being a baby.”

“Think I’ve earned the right to be a bit of one.” Dick grunts as Lian leaves.

“Not after the stunt you pulled.” Roy tenses. “Do you even remember?” Dick grits his teeth. It’s hazy. And his head hurts when he thinks too hard about things. Which hasn’t stopped him from trying, but to date he’s had little success. “Relax.” Roy chides gently. His hands move up to his bicep, and Dick tries not to think about how obvious the loss of muscle mass is.

“How long?” He looks at Roy pleadingly. Roy refuses to meet his eye. “No one tells me anything. You always give it straight, come on Roy. You of all people know-”

“How important the truth is. Yeah Dick, I know.” He finishes calmly. Roy looks at him. Studies his face. “You almost died.” His voice is small. “You were out for three weeks. We don’t know what hit you… but you… you… goddammit Dick, you’re really gonna make me say it?” Roy swallows.

“Please.” He needs to know.

“It’s not fair.” Roy starts. “I know you’d do it for anyone but-”

“What?”

“You almost threw your life away for him. Dick-” Roy swipes at his eyes. “It’s not fair. Not when he treats you like-” He puts his hands back in his lap. “Not when he hasn’t shown his face around here since the day you came in it’s-”

“Bruce.” Dick pieces together. A bright purple flash streaking towards him. He hadn’t even thought before he jumped. “I jumped in front of him.” He recalls.

“It’s not fair.” Roy holds his hand. “I almost lost you because-”

“You didn’t.”

“Shut up. Just. Don’t. Say anything.” Roy takes another swipe at his eyes. “It’s been hell, Dick. Never do that again.”

“I can’t-”

“Pretend you can.” Roy begs. “I know you can’t but just tell me you won’t. You’re worth so much more.”

“I won’t.” Dick doesn’t feel like fighting. And neither does Roy, so he lets that be good enough and presses a kiss to the crown of his head with a tenderness Dick hasn’t felt in years. Something he’d thought was lost after too many rounds of pointless arguments escalating into fistfights that paled in comparison to the insults slung between them. He’s made so many mistakes. He just hopes he has enough borrowed time to make things right.

“I know it’s not a lot.” Tim’s skin crawls as he steps into Dick’s room. Dick’s been looking better, getting ready for discharge, but it still hurts seeing him this way. He carries a cardboard box carefully. “Bruce had some stuff you left after you filled in for him.” It’s a lie, and Dick immediately catches it. They both know Dick wouldn’t leave any of his stuff lying around the manor, he spent half the time there cleaning obsessively and making the floors sparkle.

“Tell him thanks.” And that’s that.

“Okay?” No questions about what Bruce thinks? No interrogations on if Bruce sent him here? No getting weirdly defensive over accepting help?

Dick sighs, and shrugs. “Yeah.” He opens his arms and accepts the box. “I’m not exactly in a position to look a gift horse in the mouth.” He starts listlessly rifling through it, then looks up with a wry half smile. “I don’t have anything left.”

“Oh.” Open mouth, insert foot. “Uh. Sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Dick pulls out a pair of pajamas. “It was just stuff. Stuff’s replaceable.” For the most part. There are things that Tim would miss if his house blew up. Things he can’t replace. He pictures the Flying Graysons poster that used to hang in the center of the apartment, just above the sofa. Stuff. Just stuff. He’s shaken from his thoughts by a whistle. “What he’d do? Go through my credit card records?” Dick holds up a t-shirt that matches one he wore a couple months ago to a Knight’s game they went to together.

“He talked with Barbara.” She’s about the only one of Dick’s friends that’s still on speaking terms with him. Dick snorts.

“And she recommended him this?” He pulls out a Crocky plushie.

“I might have made a few suggestions.” Tim adds innocently. “It’s just stuff.”

“Brat.” Dick tosses it at him and misses by a mile. Tim’s heart sinks. Dick roles his eyes. “Tim, I’m fine. I wasn’t trying to hit you.”

Tim blinks. A mess of twisted charred flesh and blood mixed with black and blue covers the ground. Dick looked dead. His nose wasn’t in the right place. He wasn’t breathing. His pulse was- Tim fixes his eyes on the heart monitor. It beeps steadily, the pattern’s normal. Dick follows his gaze and thrusts out his arm. “Here.” It feels stupid and he’s glad no one but Dick’s here to see him take his pulse. It’s not weak and thready. It’s not so light he can hardly feel it. It’s real and it’s firm and things are fine. His brother isn’t dead.

But Conner is. And Dick still doesn’t know. And Steph is too. And Jack. And he can’t be thinking about this right now because it’s not fair for him to be upset in front of Dick because Dick needs to focus on recovering and that means not bothering him with stuff that he’s fully capable of handling on his own. He needs to be happy right now. So he smiles. And feels like death.

He wishes he could talk to Steph about this, he used to be able to tell her anything. Maybe she and Conner will get along better in the next world than they did in this one. Maybe Jack will take them fishing. Maybe there’s nothing out there. Maybe they’re all laughing at him. Maybe he needs to get it together and say something because Dick is staring at him and-

“You okay?” The question means Dick knows he’s not. His face is getting hot and he tries to breathe and it’s just making things worse and- “Take a minute.” Dick squeezes his hand and Tim lets his wrist go, not realizing he still had hold of it. Tim slumps to the floor, curling up by the side of the bed. “You’ve been through a lot.” Dick ruffles the top of his hair. This isn’t how this was supposed to go.

“‘M fine.” His voice cracks and he pulls his legs in tighter to his chest, trying to sink into the floor. He can’t be doing this right now. It isn’t fair.

“I’m sorry about Conner.” Dick says quietly. Tim cries harder.

“You know?”

“World’s second greatest detective or something like that. Process of elimination.” It was stupid to think they could hide it. “He was a good kid.” Dick says simply. Tim laughs and sniffs.

“He was an asshole.” Who hated Kansas and highschool. Who thought being a Titan was lame. Who never followed orders and lept in without thinking… which is half the reason Donna got killed. “You never liked him.”

“He saved me. I half remember that. He was a hero.” Dick likes to remember the best in people. And all Tim remembers is pointless arguing over who should lead Young Justice and beefing over stupid things. And all the mean-spirited things he said to Steph. And all the secrets he kept from his dad. All the fights. He has so many regrets. He’s made so many mistakes.

“It’s just a lot.” All at once.

“I get that.” And he means it. Dick gets it more than most people do. There’s about a zillion statues in the Titan’s memorial to prove it. And half of those people have come back to life. There’s always hope. But somehow that makes it hurt more. Everytime he sees a blond ponytail in the corner of his eye, or a black shirt, he hopes. And immediately it’s wrenched away from him as he tumbles back to reality. “I’m here if you need to talk.” Dick offers.

So Tim pulls himself off the floor and into a chair and talks. And Dick listens. And it feels like old times but everything’s worse. “It gets better.” Dick says at one point.

“Do you really believe that?” After everyone that’s died. After Blüdhaven was blown to bits. It doesn’t seem like anything in their lives is getting better.

“I have to. I need to keep moving. I have people I need to live for.” Tim nods, and is silent for a bit and stares out the window of the eighteenth floor of S.T.A.R. labs. He knows the building’s history. Knows what started here. And what started before that. And what continues with him.

“I get that.” Cassie’s been calling him. Bruce is twisted up in knots over everything. And Cass is all mixed up over everything that’s happened. “I’m here if you need to talk.” He parrots, with realization.

Dick laughs. “With you, I’d rather listen.” Tim half smiles, then goes on and talks until his throat goes dry and feels a little bit less like death for it.

#dick grayson #bruce wayne #tim drake #my writing #bad things happen bingo #i will finish one day #i'm so close i can taste it

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lewdlucidity · 1 year

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there's nothing that takes me longer to do than the last 10-20 photos of an editing set. idk what kind of cursed mental block i have on them but i physically cannot focus and power through them. uuughhhhhrrrrgghhhhhhh

#i'm so close i can taste it #so close #photographer problems #photographer #photo editing #audhd problems

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egophiliac · 1 year

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Are you excited for Malleus to read us all his Fanfiction?

Malleus making a perfect dreamworld for all of us to live in like

#art #twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland spoilers #twisted wonderland episode 7 spoilers #twisted wonderland book 7 spoilers #it's SO CLOSE i can TASTE IT #tastes like delicious angst >:)#and this probably isn't even the RESOLUTION it's just going to end on another MASSIVE CLIFFHANGER and MURDER MY SOUL #i am not ready. i'm not.#on the other hand i am SO READY to meet ortho's puppies!#they have names now! KB-RS01 & 02!#and you can have them in your guest room?! what?! i need to get back into doing that

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thickenmyblood · 2 months

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why did laurent start dating / having sex with maxime, even before nicaise found out? maybe this is something we find out in ch. 20, but throughout hiuh i’ve really struggled to understand or empathize with laurent in this area. you’ve mentioned him being self-destructive, or how it was good for his ego to bring a date in front of damen. but why did he feel the need to throw it in damen’s face when damen was the one who got dumped? why would he let maxime call him baby and walk all over his boundaries when this guy is a total stranger? i know some people have speculated that maxime is a uncle-stand in, but to me that doesn’t parallel bc there the abuse happened because laurent did (unfortunately) love and trust his uncle at the beginning, which enabled his uncle to abuse him. i’m honestly really trying to see where this sexual self-harm aspect of laurent comes from when it’s with a complete stranger who doesn’t seem to like laurent as a person or give him any real affection. he said sex was the foundation of their relationship, which seems odd for an ascetic person like laurent who even in hiuh canon doesn’t seem to have engaged in that kind of relationship before dating damen, when he was in a way worse physical and emotional state, unless i’m wrong.

i really, really hope this doesn’t come off as criticizing or accusatory in any way — it is your story and you can characterize laurent any way you want! to me it’s felt like this is the one area so far where laurent has been extremely defensive and refuses to take responsibility, even though it really hurt damen — not just being jealous, but being compared to maxime over and over again by laurent’s friends and implicitly by laurent himself — not to mention how it hurt nicaise. yes, damen had flings, but he didn’t try to replace laurent after two months or ever shove it in laurent’s face. and yet it feels like damen over-apologizes for ever asking about maxime or suggesting laurent’s behavior was harmful. i don’t see how damen could get over this massive insecurity when laurent appears to ridicule or dismiss him for bringing it up, like with the condom conversation or the pet name issue.

feel free to ignore this message, but always appreciate hearing why you chose a particular characterization!

hello! i get this question every once in a while so i thought i'd answer it today since we're about to be done with the story. i didn't take it as an attack or anything and it's a very cool question!

but why did he feel the need to throw it in damen’s face when damen was the one who got dumped?

in a way, reading your ask, i think you answered some of these things yourself. why did he bring maxime to a bunch of events knowing damen would be there? because he wanted the upper hand, he wanted to be seen as having moved on (remember that he thinks damen has moved on, too), because it's an ego thing. but why do it if he was the one who dumped damen? same answers, but i'd add that it's implied in the story that laurent was surprised and hurt by how easily damen went along with the break up. laurent brings it up, says he can't do it anymore, and damen just goes to work and never comes back. once again, in a toxic and insecure way, there was a part of laurent that wanted damen to fight for it, to say "wait, let's turn things around" or something. obviously, that didn't happen, and laurent interpreted that as confirmation of a lot of negative thoughts he was already dealing with (damen wants out of this but he doesn't know how to do it, damen's too "nice" to say that he wants out, damen is looking for excuses to start arguments bc he's trying to get me to end this, etc.)

this is not me justifying laurent in any way. was it childish and immature to bring maxime to events bc he knew damen would be there and he wanted, along with all the reasons listed above, to make damen jealous? yes, probably. is it petty? yes. is it ooc? i don't know. i think laurent does exhibit some pettiness in the books.

why would he let maxime call him baby and walk all over his boundaries when this guy is a total stranger? i know some people have speculated that maxime is a uncle-stand in, but to me that doesn’t parallel bc there the abuse happened because laurent did (unfortunately) love and trust his uncle at the beginning, which enabled his uncle to abuse him. i’m honestly really trying to see where this sexual self-harm aspect of laurent comes from when it’s with a complete stranger who doesn’t seem to like laurent as a person or give him any real affection.

this part of the question is a bit more complicated for me to explain. i 100% agree with people's complaints that in this aspect hiuh laurent is ooc (compared to canon laurent). in the books, he doesn't sleep with anyone but damen, so everything regarding laurent/other men is always going to be ooc in some way (unless it's non con, i suppose).

maxime has to be a stranger. maxime has to be someone laurent doesn't care about, doesn't value, doesn't respect. it would never work between them if maxime was not a stranger, which is ultimately what happens in the fic (let's, for a second, ignore the fact that they also don't work out bc lamen are in love lol). when maxime wants more, laurent cuts him out.

why does he have to be a stranger? because hiuh laurent's biggest issue in this story is that he can't be vulnerable enough to be loved and accept that love. he loved damen, but he couldn't get to a level of vulnerability that allowed him to explain himself, to show himself to damen as he really is, and without that a relationship can't last. when you feel like you have to hide parts of yourself from the person you love, eventually that turns into resentment and anger and hurt.

when he starts sleeping with maxime, he's not looking for another boyfriend. he's not looking for love. he's not sleeping with maxime because he's too horny to function either. he lets maxime fuck him because there is something to prove. and here I have to apologize because to me this detail was so clear during my writing process that I'm only now realizing I did not do a good enough job of integrating it EXPLICITLY into the story. what is there to prove? laurent has only ever slept with two people in his life and only damen was a pleasurable, consensual situation. so, here's the setting: laurent and damen break up, they go no contact, months pass, laurent is STRUGGLING (nicaise mentions this time and time and time again in the fic), laurent has no way of knowing that damen is also miserable, laurent has no way of knowing that damen hasn't moved on (damen is, actually, at this point in time, fucking other people). laurent isn't looking for love or dates or romance, but then maxime shows up and he gives laurent an opportunity to prove to himself several things:

he has effectively moved on from damen (in his mind, having sex with other people = the ultimate 'i'm done with damen" move)

he is in control. he has only had consensual sex with one person in his life, which gives damen symbolic power over him in a weird, fucked up way. or... maybe the word isn't power, but status. damen has a status in laurent's mind and memories because he's the first person laurent CHOSE to have sex with, the first person he loved and showed him it could be good, etc. as long as damen maintains that status, laurent will never stop thinking about him, will never have anything to compare damen to and say "see, it wasn't that big of a deal". which brings me to...

he wants to minimize damen. he wants dismiss what damen meant to him, what their entire relationship meant, so it can be easier to move on. how do you move on if you're thinking "oh I broke up with the love of my life lol"? laurent needs to tell himself what he had with damen wasn't unique, wasn't that special. he can have it again (the SEXUAL part).

needless to say, this fails. he has sex with maxime and finds that it's nothing like it was with damen because it's WORSE, because having sex with damen was having sex with someone who knew him and loved him and respected him. laurent has sex with maxime but he's still thinking about damen, he's still in love with damen, the same way damen is having sex with kyra or trying to date iris while thinking and missing laurent.

once this realization sort of sinks in (yes, he can have sex with other people, yet that doesn't erase damen's status in his brain bc damen was special for a bunch of reasons I'm not gonna type in here - THEY'RE IN LOVE, YOUR HONOR) that's when the self-harm comes into the picture. (this is discussed a bit in ch20 so SPOILERS but)

what kind of sex are maxime and laurent having? it's not the slow, gentle, love making stuff damen knows laurent was into. it's rough, it's degrading, it's not as pleasurable, it's a chore, it leaves marks. does laurent want those marks? we don't know. does maxime ask him if he does? we don't know. you can make it as non con as you want because the text doesn't go into detail.

the petnames. "why does laurent like it when maxime says it but not damen?" I don't think he does. he never gives damen a straight answer on this, but he does say that it makes him feel like a bimbo. it makes him feel slightly degraded. he says it wasn't terrible, but he never says he wanted it or that it was good. it's implied that damen tried it once or twice at the very beginning of their relationship, and I think we can all tell why laurent didn't like it back then with him either (bimbo feelings, laurent using him for money, the power imbalance, etc.)

uncle parallels. okay, this one's a bit tricky. yes, you're right to think that the abuse laurent's uncle subjected him to is nothing like his relationship with maxime for a plethora of reasons, but I think the narrative supports some people's opinions that maxime does resemble uncle in some ways (older, brunette, has a beard). i did not write maxime as a literal uncle stand in, so of course it's not going to be a perfect comparison. i wouldn't even call maxime and laurent's relationship abusive.

he said sex was the foundation of their relationship, which seems odd for an ascetic person like laurent who even in hiuh canon doesn’t seem to have engaged in that kind of relationship before dating damen, when he was in a way worse physical and emotional state, unless i’m wrong.

i tried to mirror canon in hiuh when it comes to laurent's... choices? in canon, damen is the first person he's with after his uncle because he's the only one laurent trusts. i don't have any doubts that canon laurent was terribly lonely and probably wanted to be loved waaaaay before damen came into the picture (post uncle, I mean) but his context and environment were so violent and dangerous that he couldn't let his guard down. similarly, in hiuh, laurent leaves his uncle's house without any money and in a very vulnerable position. he's not exactly carefree and happy and able to be like "oh I wanna date and fool around!! explore my sexuality!!!!" - in fact, this is a pretty big plot point in hiuh: laurent did contact damen out of pure necessity.

and yes, sex is the foundation of maxime/laurent for all the reasons I stated above, but at the same time it's not all about sex. it's not even about sex. it's about control and self-punishment. it's about self-hatred. we also don't know what state laurent was in when he started seeing maxime because we don't have his pov, but we do have nicaise's testimony. again, this is briefly mentioned in ch20, but it wasn't exactly pretty.

however, having said all of this, i'm not blind or dumb enough to think oh hiuh laurent is sooooo canon laurent, not a trace of ooc-ness. i get where the characterization issues are coming from. at the end of the day, I have to say that this post summarizes a tiny bit of what went into creating hiuh laurent. i tried to make him as canon as possible, but I'm not pacat and so my characterization is different. my setting is different. the modern au is different. it is completely fair to read hiuh and think as a reader "i would not have gone in this direction, i don't think laurent would ever be with someone who isn't damen, i don't think it's consistent with his canon self". i accept those comments in the same way i accept those that say they love this laurent bc of XYZ.

this is the one area so far where laurent has been extremely defensive and refuses to take responsibility, even though it really hurt damen

i understand this, but at the same time i don't know how much responsibility laurent can take over that when it's... just dating/fucking someone else after a break up. he should apologize for making damen feel bad on purpose (perhaps taking maxime places), but the rest of it... damen also fucked and thought about dating other people. the comparisons you mention were cruel, but they were made, for example, by characters like aimeric (removed from the narrative entirely later on) and ancel (who tells damen he was wrong, who tells damen he thinks laurent made a mistake letting him go).

i don’t see how damen could get over this massive insecurity when laurent appears to ridicule or dismiss him for bringing it up, like with the condom conversation or the pet name issue.

i understand that, but i also think damen's insecurity wasn't born just from this issue. he is an insecure person throughout the fic. his toxic masculinity is one way this insecurity and lack of self-confidence manifest, for example. his fixation on penetrative sex. his fixation on performance. his fixation on parenting like laurent because his own way is wrong. his fixation on never thinking about the things and people he lacks because he can't take it.

yes, laurent played a huge role in feeding that insecurity, but I'm failing to see where he is ridiculing damen. during the condom conversation, laurent snaps because he feels judged and attacked, not because he's making fun of damen's pain. during the pet name conversation, the same thing happens. and in both instances, damen is judging laurent. he judges laurent really harshly in other scenes, too, like when they find out about claude.

some of these issues are talked about in ch20, but I don't think there is a scene where laurent addresses everything. perhaps he should. i just didn't write it.

#anon #hiuh #ok so this got out of hand lol #hopefully this made sense?#i do think a few scenes in ch20 help us see that laurent is sorry and he says so but i dont know to what extent youll be satisfied with it #also i am working my ass off lmao im editing i promise i'm trying to finish it IM TRYING kjbsdkgbdskjgbkd it's just so long dudes #pray for me #pray for my ass bc im editing six hours a day #im so close to the end i can almost taste it #and YES FFS IT'S HAPPY stop doubting me #plot twist they dont end up together

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zephyra-in-the-house · 7 months

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Second Chances Update

Chapter 26 Update: 75% finished!!

I am slowly inching closer and closer to the finish line my dudes bear with me I should be done in just a few days *fingers crossed*

#shadowpeach #second chances #lego monkie kid #I'm so close #I can taste it #I just have to finish the actual writing portion #This one is going to be very emotional #Fair warning

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reviewdiaries · 9 months

Text

Nancy x Ace and the conundrum of pain in 4x12

Alright kids, buckle up for one last time. Don’t worry I will absolutely be back next week for more, but this is the last one where we still have some story left to discover, and I am all up in my feels about this.

There are definitely storytelling choices that I feel are ahem, slightly misguided, but as ever I’m focusing on the Nace of it all, and despite another painful episode of heartbreak, angst, and shouting, I genuinely think we’re making progress. And gosh there’s a lot to unpack from this last episode - it gets long under the cut.

We finally know what the sin was, and we’ve seen them get their memories back. But I still think there’s something else at play here. Because we had heart eyes adoration. We had heartbreak and pain. We had breakups and desperate longing and despair. But then we suddenly shifted to indifference in the wake of that phone call and Nancy’s trip to the Yacht Club. Which either is terrible writing, or it’s some other puzzle piece at play here that we have yet to see. I’m still clinging to the latter. I think there are a few more revelations to come, and I don’t think Nancy and Ace are operating with their full range of memories and emotions yet - hence the anger, indifference, and general out of characterness we’ve been getting.

These last few episodes have served a really interesting purpose though, untethering Nancy and Ace and allowing them to stand on their own. It’s highlighted how much Nancy needs the support of those around her - forcing her to acknowledge her feelings and how important this found family of hers is. But it’s also given Ace the space to breathe, to try and work himself out, to learn to trust himself, to stand up for what he needs and wants, and how he functions as an individual instead of just constantly in service to others. That’s been hard to watch, but it’s been important.

The Nancy and Ace we saw at the start of this season were amazing, yes, look at the yearning! The pining! The heart eyes! But as a couple they were going to run into problems really quickly. They weren’t managing to communicate well - Nancy has slowly been learning not to close herself off since way back in season one where suddenly she wasn’t the only one invested in solving the Tiffany Hudson murder. And Ace has always been supportive of her, quietly there ready for when she finds the words. But they have always struggled to actually communicate effectively, particularly when things are going badly. Nancy takes everything as a rejection and abandonment, Ace actively puts his needs to the bottom of the pile in favour of protecting those he loves. This isn’t healthy, and it isn’t the foundation of a good relationship. And we want them to have a good relationship, we want them to last, because even now for me, they are still endgame.

They have needed to have that time and space to work some of their own issues out so that they can come back to each other on a more equal footing. To be able to say absolutely I want this, I deserve this, and we can do this together.

And it’s always been up to Ace to come back. He is the one who walked away, who committed the ultimate abandonment as far as Nancy is concerned. He’s the one that said stop, no, we’re not doing this. And partly as respect for his wishes, and partly because he’d basically just put a fist through her heart by saying that and then leaving, Nancy has stopped. She’s been devastated, broken, looking for something easy that doesn’t hurt as much, but she has respected his wishes. Which is why it’s up to Ace (hey Ace you’ve done some really excellent growth and learning to stand on your own and have your own boundaries and needs, time to put that into action) to come back. To admit he still loves her, he still wants her, he still wants to make this work.

Do I think the writers are waiting until the absolute eleventh hour and really making this pivot a hard one to pull off? Absolutely yes, dear god this feels a little unnecessary. But I do still think we’re getting this pivot. Nancy and Ace have needed to have that space and individual plot lines to come back together as a stronger whole.

Which is why this revelation about what actually happened the night of the boat trip hits that much harder. This is the very first time we’ve seen Ace beg Nancy to come, to be there. She’s the first person he calls. He just needs her there because something awful has happened and she is his safe space.

GIF Credit @thatonekimgirl

This is huge, life altering vulnerability from Ace in a way we have never ever seen. In all the tragedy, she is his first thought. Not to fix anything, not to make it go away, just to be there with him, hold his hand and smooth his hair away from his cheek and hold him steady in a world that feels like it’s falling apart around him.

GIF Credit @thatonekimgirl

And any other night, Nancy probably would have made a different decision. But she’s emotionally wrecked from her mum’s memorial. She is adrift in grief and fear because those first weeks after her mum died are a haze of darkness and pain, and on this anniversary night she feels the closest to that pit of grief than she’s felt in a long time, and it would be so easy to tip back into it. Shut her eyes and let it consume her.

And Ace is there and he’s panicked and desperate and she’s never seen him like this - never been allowed to see him like this. He is vulnerable and trusting in a way she has never witnessed.

GIF Credit @thatonekimgirl

And she just wants him to be ok. She can’t bear the thought of him going through a fraction of the pain she experienced with the loss of her mum. The guilt, the despair, the anger. She wants to spare him as much pain as she can because she loves him. It’s never about thinking he isn’t strong enough to hold it, it’s not about selfishly trying to keep him as he is. She is, in that moment, so full of love and desperation that she would do anything. And she’s not thinking straight, she just wants him to be ok. Isn’t that all we want for the ones we love?

So she leaves him. Breaks every speed limit getting to the yacht club, just wants it done, wants to take the pain away, smooth the lines from Ace’s brow and wipe the tears from his face. Heal the pain bracketing his mouth as he bites his lip trying to keep the grief at bay. He knows he did the right thing, but it still hurts, still feels like it carved out a piece of him to leave someone to a death like that to save his father. And he’d do it again, even though it would kill him a little more, there’s no way he would change what he’d do, no way he wouldn’t save his father every time.

She isn’t thinking, not really. Panicked by the vulnerability, the fear, the pain, the tidal wave echo of her own grief. She can’t take that away, hasn’t even thought to, can’t imagine herself with the grief hollowed out of her bones. But she can do this for Ace, help him, save him. Doesn’t think through the consequences. Doesn’t think through what else might be taken. What this house of cards might look like when it begins to crumble down. This isn’t Nancy thinking clearly, this is Nancy acting purely on instinct - fear, grief, pain. Her own and Ace’s. And if she can’t be with him at the very least she can take away this burden, ease it for him, shoulder some piece of the load.

But he’s right to be angry once he understands. He’s right to call her out on it. She had no right to do what she did, particularly without telling him what she was going to do. There’s no way he would have let her. And maybe that’s partly why she didn’t say anything to him before she left. Because she didn’t want him to talk her out of it, didn’t want him to have to understand what loss feels like. What regret eating you away from the inside can do to a person.

This is where my comment from last week comes into play though. Ace has been so bad at standing up for himself, for calling Nancy out before this season. We’ve had odd moments - the Aglaeca and how angry and scared he was to be caught up in a death curse. But he’s always kept his feelings quiet and bottled until the odd moment where they explode out (see 4x02 and the passive aggressive snark and withdrawing we get from Ace). But last week we saw him standing up to Nancy, arguing, fighting, getting what he needed. And it’s left a muscle memory path for him to follow so we get not one but two fights this episode. And sure, I’d much rather there were heart eyes and curse breaking, but honestly? The fighting gives me hope. It tells me there’s still something there, there are still messy tangled feelings mixed up in all of this. And it starts to offer a more solid foundation, an equal footing for them to build off.

To say the things they’ve kept bottled up inside, to actually call out what’s upsetting them. That it hurts that each of them seem to have moved on even though neither of them actually have. That it hurts to be around each other, to be so tied up in each other because they can’t bear to be apart. That they’re afraid, so so afraid of what might happen next - of losing each other, of trying and failing, of the possibility not living up to the reality.

GIF Credit @livelovecaliforniadreams

And the sucker punch of realisation that Ace has that Nancy isn’t moving on or as put together as she’s seemed. That they’re both still such a mess over each other and putting on a front that is far too effective because they’re both too blinded by the pain.

GIF Credit @livelovecaliforniadreams

But the real pain, because this episode is just a heaping plate of pain after pain, comes with that final confrontation at Icarus Hall where Ace finally calls Nancy out for what she did. Because it feeds into everything he already fears, that he isn’t enough as he is. That Nancy would do something to change him, to remove his pain, his grief, the painful experiences that ultimately are part of him.

GIF Credit @livelovecaliforniadreams

But with the darkest low points come a turning point, because Nancy needed to be called out. She needed to be told her actions weren’t acceptable, no matter that they came from a place of love, of trying to protect him. She has to have this moment of understanding, of Ace putting it in terms that she could understand so that she can see the damage that has been done.

GIF Credit @livelovecaliforniadreams

They can’t start anything without getting this poison purged, without fighting their way to the truth, no matter how badly it hurts, to start from somewhere clean and whole.

Whilst I know most would rather pretend that kiss at the end didn’t happen, I would like to make one comment on how it evokes Ace even when he’s not there.

Tristan comes to Nancy filled with emptiness, not knowing who he is, something she can entirely relate to - she’s just been rightfully chewed out by Ace who has broken her heart into even smaller pieces than previously thought possible, and walked away again. And then Tristan tells her exactly what she has only ever wanted to hear from Ace - that he feels connected to her, and he kisses her. And she tries, gosh she tries to get into it. Her hands go into his hair and then jerk back out when it’s not the expected softness of Ace’s hair. She tries again and still can’t. You can see on her face that this isn’t the fireworks and mind melting best kiss of her life. This isn’t even close. But then he says “But I know I can’t walk away from you” and it immediately taps into that memory. The heartbreak is on her face and it’s not Tristan she’s thinking of then, it’s another kiss in this space, and another person’s hair, and someone she desperately wants to stay, to choose her, who has walked away from her and broken her heart so many times over these last few weeks. There’s a breath of relief when her phone rings and offers her a way out of this. Because she thought this would be easy, that this would be better, good for her. And all it’s done is serve to highlight that there’s no one but Ace for her.

So we leave them with one episode to go, broken but healing, finding parts of themselves they hadn’t realised existed, and slowly coming back to their love. Always their love, it’s tangled into everything, and we’re finally going to see that play out next week.

On a personal note, this season has been a curious one for me. I’ve overall really enjoyed it, and I think a lot of that is down to doing these analysis posts. It’s forced me to go back over the episodes in miniscule detail, and to really examine what’s happening and why. Believe me there were weeks where I finished my first watch and wanted to post this gif and be done with it.

GIF by lecoeurasesgifs

But doing these posts has pushed me to unpick what the writers have been trying to do in a way I wouldn’t normally have engaged with. So thank you for feeding the meta beast.

I can really understand why people have found this season frustrating, there have been a lot of shall we say interesting choices, for lack of a better word. Part of that is down to the completely broken system we have where shows kinda have to act like they’re about to get cancelled at any moment, which inhibits really thoughtful, interwoven long form storytelling, or they do what Nancy Drew have done and desperately hoped they will get to keep telling these stories and then have to pivot if they’re given any sort of warning that it’s over. And in this case, means we’ve had to have a hard pivot which has shafted a lot of storylines and left a lot of fans (myself included at points) wondering what the hell is going on.

That said, I’ve still really enjoyed the journey. Not just of this season, but the whole show. It’s given me a found family to root for, supernatural shenanigans, thoughtful and well plotted storytelling, and a romance for the ages. Yes I still think we’re going to get that, despite all the roadblocks in these last few episodes. It’s been my spoopy little comfort show through some really difficult years, and I am going to miss it hugely. Thank you to anyone who has read and engaged with these posts, it’s been such a joy both writing them and then talking with people afterwards about them. We’ve got one more wild ride to see how Horseshoe Bay and the Drew Crew will be left, and I cannot wait.

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