#i'm super late but this is the first time i've used tumblr for the whole year 😭

[graysturns]

𝕗𝕚𝕥𝕥𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕣𝕠𝕠𝕞 | 𝕞.𝕤.

note: hey guys this is my first time posting my actual work and i’m kinda new to tumblr so pls be nice or i will cry ok thanks bye

warnings: idk smut ig

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"babe please hurry up, we're already running late," matt sighs as he shuts the car door.

"i just need to get some shorts or something, i can't show up to your mom's house in these jeans, look at this" i lift the sweater wrapped around my waist, revealing the rip around my inner thigh.

he rolls his eyes and sulks behind me as we make our way inside the old navy in our hometown. i begin to scan the various women's clothing, looking for something basic, because it's too late to go back home and figure out a new outfit.

"will you hurry up and pick one? please, y/n. chris is texting me wondering where we are. they want to start eating without us and he's most definitely gonna eat all the mac and cheese."

i roll my eyes at him. "first of all, never call me by my government name. rude. and second, we just got here, breathe. we wouldn't be here if you hadn't grabbed my ass so harshly when we stopped at the gas station. you caused this by manhandling me, matthew." i shot back.

he sighs again as i grab a few different options in my size and head towards the fitting rooms. upon arrival, we notice there aren't any employees so i pick a stall and wave matt into the small room.

he looks up at me, then around at our surroundings, "are you sure? i don't think they allow multiple people in at once, i'll just wait here."

i roll my eyes again. "matthew! get in here! i need your opinion. this store is basically empty anyways. it's not a big deal, you've seen me naked before. let's not act so innocent."

he follows me in and takes a seat on the bench facing the door. i untie the sweater he lent me and throw it at his face. "rude!" he exclaims sassily, throwing the wad of clothing to the ground.

"uhm, excuse me, you're rude. you're the whole reason we're in this mess." i begin to remove the ripped pair of pants and pull a new one off its hanger.

facing the mirror on the door, i begin to pull the pair of mom jeans on before matt looks up from his phone and stops me.

"baby, i've never seen these panties on you before, are they new?" he smirks at me. i nod, swatting at his hands.

"wait stop, they're super cute, why haven't you shown me?" he looks up at me with those hypnotic blue eyes, brows furrowed.

i turn around, with the jeans still around my ankles and my hands on my hips. "do i need to inform you every time i purchase a new article of clothing, matt? it's just panties."

he wiggles his eyebrows at me, "when they make your ass look like that, then yeah, i must be notified immediately." he places me onto his lap, pulling the jeans all the way off my ankles so i can straddle him.

"baby we're running late, you're the one who keeps insisting, as much as i want to, we don't have time to fool around" i say to him between the open-mouthed kisses he begins to place on my neck.

he starts to take my top off, then gasps. "fuck the mac and cheese! it's a matching set, now i really can't believe you kept this from me." he drools at the sight of the lacy see-through bra, rubbing his thumb over my visible nipple. he yanks down the thin fabric, causing my boobs to spill over. with one arm wrapped around me, clutching my ass, he uses the other to massage my breast, all while kissing my neck. i feel myself starting to give in, biting my lip to stifle a moan. "matt, i-i don't think we can do this here." i slightly protest, but he reaches up to kiss me, and bites my bottom lip.

i'm done for.

he's kissing and grabbing and rubbing all over me and i'm a mess. i can never say no to him, he knows how to manipulate my body to want exactly what he wants. i can feel his bulge through his jeans, and i grind on it slowly, making my clit throb against it.

suddenly, he lifts me and flips me around so im sat on his lap, and we're both facing the mirror. he's unbuckling his belt, then his pants. he wraps one arm around my waist and lifts me slightly while he pulls down his pants and boxers, revealing his dick, standing tall and proud.

he makes eye contact with me in the mirror and grabs my face, smushing my cheeks together, and whispers in my ear, "i want you to watch baby, watch how good you can take my whole dick inside of you, pay real close attention."

he smirks at my widened eyes, and moves the panties to one side, rubbing the wetness all around and then on my clit.

"you normally get to scream all you want, but not this time baby, okay? you need to be really really quiet for me, got it?" he covers my mouth.

i nod quickly, and without warning, he picks me up and thrusts his entire length into me. i hold back a scream, and i feel tears falling down my cheeks. no matter how many times, how long we've been together, i'll never be used to his size.

he gives me a second to adjust, and then begins to pound into me over and over again, my back sliding up and down his clothed chest. i'm watching as my breasts bounce up and down and his dick glides in and out, in and out. he uncovers my mouth, keeping one hand on my waist, and starts to rub circles on my clit with the pad of his thumb, making me roll my eyes back further in pleasure.

he begins to nibble on my ear, then moves down to suck the spot right underneath. as he kisses down, i feel him bite down on my shoulder to suppress a moan.

"matthew!" i hiss at the pain, but it feels so good.

"shh!" he pinches my nipple, causing me to let out a whimper.

i grab his wrist, stopping his movement, and smile at him, "my turn." i bend down slightly, still facing the mirror so he has a full view of my ass while i bounce on his dick. he presses down on my back, sliding his hand down to secure a firm grip on my neck. he curses under his breath, trying hard not to make any noise while i'm aggressively riding him. he places both hands on my ass grasping and slapping occasionally, until i sit back up and we're making eye contact in the reflection. he's rubbing on my clit again, using his other hand to massage my left breast and i can feel a knot forming in my abdomen.

i turn around so i'm straddling him, and continue to bounce up and down. he grabs me by my throat and kisses me roughly, before planting a hard slap on my ass. i move faster, and he groans, grasping my ass tighter, leaving hand-shaped bruises for him to stare at later.

"i'm almost there baby. fuck, you're the most beautiful thing i've ever laid my eyes on." he whispers in my ear and i close my eyes, feeling my climax creeping close.

we start moving in sync, until my legs shake, and i feel his dick twitch, then shoot his load into me, causing me to finish as well, leaving me trembling on his lap. i drop my head forward onto his shoulder, desperately trying to catch my breath

he wraps his arms around my shoulders, kissing the side of my head. "wow, what we just did was probably super illegal, " i laugh at his comment, but then frown when i realize what we've done.

"fucking hell, matt. we can't buy pants now, i feel too awkward going up to the register after we've been in this fitting room for so long, they probably know what we've been doing!" i cover my face with my hands.

"baby that's alright," he grabs my wrists, pulling my hands away from my face. "just put your clothes back on, we'll go back to the car, and you can just borrow some sweats when we get home."

i stare at him, mouth gaping in realization. "are you serious? we could've just done that in the first place! i'm so dumb, why didn't i think of that?"

he stands and helps me put my shirt on, followed by the ripped jeans, "it's alright y/n, i didn't think of it either. let's go home, i'm starving." he smiles at me, rubbing small circles on my back.

"i love you, matt" i look up at him, with red cheeks, wondering how i'm going to leave this dressing room with any dignity.

"i love you. don't worry, i know what you're thinking. just hold my hand and we'll walk back to the car, c'mon." he laces our fingers together and kisses me on the forehead, unlocking the door and stepping out of the changing room.

luckily enough, nobody seemed to even notice us weaving through the aisles and exiting the store. we managed to get back in matt's car without a single interruption, and soon after arriving at his house, where chris had demolished the entire dish of mac and cheese.

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ahh can’t believe i’m posting this but fuck it we ball

#matt sturniolo #matthew sturniolo #nicolas sturniolo #christopher sturniolo #matt sturniolo smut #matt sturniolo fanfic #sturniolo triplets #smut #fanfic

[wishingstarinajar]

I know, I know I'm a scratched record

But I'm dying to hear your thoughts on the Wakfu finale when you get to it!

I just finished watching it and it's uuh... hmm. I read people saying the finale was "satisfactory" but I am not fully on board with that sentiment.

Too much left unanswered, not enough wrapped up, too rushed to get to the end.

I know the Waven game is a continuation of sorts, it takes place decades after Wakfu's conclusion so that game might hold some answers or closure, buuuuttt... I'm not interested enough in the game to play and find out. I guess I've grown a bit tired of the whole cross-media info/lore some franchises love to do (like Blizzard and covering important info across the Warcraft games, books and short stories).

Wakfu season 4 obviously has an open ending, no matter that it is the final season, so who knows what might follow. I'm just a little saddened that the story picked up a little too late this season but the animation, particularly during action scenes, was pretty great... when not using the same static images of characters xDD They loved that a little too much but I understand the budget wasn't that big so I can't really fault Ankama for it.

Did I like this season? Mmmyyeeaaah, it's a mixed bag. Better than season 3 but not better than the first two seasons or even the OVA episodes. Glad it exists but I don't feel super satisfied with its conclusion.

HEAVY SPOILERS ahead, so be mindful but gonna share some thoughts:

Seeing Joris play a bigger part in the second half of the 4th season, and him vibing with Adamaï made me very giddy and happy. Love that for them, hope they become good friends. And thank fek neither of them died. RIP, Qilby, Armand and Brakmar (maybe?). The guys who needed to redeem themselves got their chance, at least.

Goddess Eliatrope was a big disappointment and an unlikeable character but I guess that was kind of the point...? Angry that she totally ignored Chibi and Grougal, like what the fuck even? Didn't even show a hint of acknowledgment towards them. What if they wanted to meet mom, huh?? And what even happened to Baltazar and Glip, who were in Emrub with the same kids that were asleep in Goddess Eliatrope's belly? What did she do with them?

But hey, at least my headcanon that the Sadida and Eliatropes will combine into a single kingdom/people (which I also wrote about in my Rebirth fic) actually happening was pretty satisfying x'D It even has Wakfu-infused trees, om nom nom.

A little frustrated with Necroworld (not the same Necroworld from the Transformers: Lost Light comics) because it's supposed to be a different planet in some other universe but it had dofus (dragon eggs) and races of the Twelve like Sadida, Sram and Sacrier. It was pretty confusing... Imo, it should have been something similar to The Upside Down (Stranger Things), or an alternate version of the world of Twelve rather than a completely separate place. But eh...

Why did nobody care about the state Inglorium was in, or that the Gods have disappeared? That bothered me so so so soooo much during the first two episodes; nobody non-Eliatrope or non-demigod cared that their God/Goddess was... well... gone. Aside from God Iop, where are they?? Hated the disinterest, hated the silence around it. Guess that's a mystery that will be unraveled in some other media.

Yugo grew tall and handsome and I'm not afraid to say it. Happy for him, though him suddenly growing so quickly was a bit silly. I figured there would be a time skip to justify his 'growth' that we saw in promotional images and teasers. Won't complain though, he deserved to finally be in a body that reflects his actual age, it took him long enough!

"Bootleg Alys" from the Dofus movie made a cameo in episode 11 which made me snerk. (I noticed a few more background characters from the movie that were re-used in episode 11.)

And that's all I have to say, at least here on Tumblr. It was quite a ride.

A big thanks Ankama and all the Kickbackers that made it possible; this show had its ups and downs over the past decade but it was enjoyable and loved. It still holds a special place in my heart and I will keep a tiny eye out for more Krozmos stuff in the future (like Welsh & Shedar, gimme!!).

#wakfu #wakfu season 4 #spoilers #q and a

[happiness-of-the-pursuit]

WIP Wednesday: But Make it Different

Hi y'all!

First off, thanks for the tags! Second, this is going to be a bit of a different WIP Wednesday post.

@affectionatelyrs and I are planning to post our epistolary roommates fic VERY soon. I wrote part of a message from Henry to Alex that had to be deleted, but instead of it living forever in a doc, I've included it here. I felt they were important to share, because they're actually useful resources :)

I had to cut a few because of Tumblr's limit on links. They're below the cut because they make the post super long, but this does give you a sneak peak into the fic :)

Thanks @sparklepocalypse @affectionatelyrs @xthelastknownsurvivorx @magicandarchery @captainjunglegym @leojfitz @junebugclaremontdiaz @14carrotghoul @violetbaudelaire-quagmire @wordsofhoneydew @suseagull04 @itsmaybitheway @bigassbowlingballhead @firenati0n @eusuntgratie @leaves-of-laurelin for the tags!!! I've been enjoying your snippets so much in my email and I need to go interact with them here now :)

I'm late, so I won't tag too many people, but here you go @read-and-write- @kiwiana-writes @littlemisskittentoes @cactusdragon517 @emmalostinwonderland @msmarvelouswinchester @rockyroadkylers @gayrootvegetable @gay-flyboys @inexplicablymine @galitzine-nick and @songliili :)

Bisexuality Resources:

Queer Community 101:

Dating Apps:

Sex-related resources:

#rwrb fanfic #red white and royal blue #firstprince #rwrb #fanfiction #rwrb fandom #wip wednesday #resource list #happinessofthepursuit writes

[non-bionical-mecha-dude]

Hello! I saw that your requests were open I think. . . Anywhizzle. I have asked this to a few people already but I wanna see what different people will think and write. Could you write a Rise tmnt x gn yokai reader where the reader is maybe a dragon or some reptile with scales but the readers scales are always itchy? How would the turtles treat that? Also it was my birthday on the 25th and a lot of my friends forgot that. It would be a nice present is all I'm saying. Idk if you did a request just like this or anything already but I'm bored so ima follow you now. Bye for now!

HI! I know it's been like, idk, a year since I did one of these?? I'm sorry, I forgot Tumblr existed! Also, I'm very very sorry that you're friends forgot! And I'm very sorry, but, HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY! Anyway, let's get this started! (I'm gonna assume since you didn't say, Headcannons, I'm sorry if you wanted a one shot. Also, this idea was creative and cool!

ROTTMNT BROS X REPTILE ! READER

❤️❤️Raph❤️❤️

He totally understands

At first when he saw you get super itchy, he thought you were itching cause you were nervous or something, but that ain't the case.

When he later figured out that your scales needed some sort of moisture, he bought like, 10 bottles of different kinds of lotion

Boy didn't want his lover to be all itchy and uncomfortable, but he didn't know what kind/brand was best

Constantly reminds you to moisturize your skin

He drags his fingers along your scales sometimes, which is kinda sooth tbh

Sometimes his skin gets uncomfortable and dry and itchy (since he's a more aquatic type turtle, his skin needs a lot of moisture) he'll borrow some of your lotion

One time you were itchy, and just started rolling on the carpet cause that was the only thing that was helping your itchiness...but Raph almost stepped on you and shrieked before he did

It was kinda funny, but ever since then, he's banned you from any carpet rolling.

Sometimes he boops his beak against your scales, everytime you ask why, he dodges the question

He knows exactly how many scales are on your body (not in like a creepy way, more like a "I find myself gazing at you so often that I've found myself unconsciously counting your scales.)

Would definitely let you use his shell spikes as a back scratcher.

💙💙Leo💙💙

This dude is super confused as to why you keep on violently scratching your scales

At some point, he just kinda starts scratching your back, like, you'll both be sitting on the couch on your phones, and he'll just put his hand on your back and scratches in small circles.

Eventually he learns about your whole skin thing, and he tries to set up a skin care routine for you

(you CANNOT tell me this fruity ass turtle doesn't have a skin care routine)

Man hooks you up with the best lotions and moisturizers

He reads to you each of the French brands of lotion he has, but he isn't pronouncing any of them right

Helps you put on the lotion in hard to reach places, like your back

He finds it excellent bonding time to talk about whatever while you both do your skin routine thing

He likes to tap your scales, feeling the texture of each of them.

You bought yourself a back scratcher and he immediately stole it

"Is that my back scratcher?" "Ok, in my defense, have you EVER, tried to scratch the back of a TURTLE SHELL??? YOU CANT REACH BACK THERE!"

Yeahhh, took you a while to get it back

You had to buy him his own

💜💜Donnie💜💜

He definitely understands

As a soft shell turtle who needs moisture on his shell from time to time, he can understand the uncomfortable-ness it comes with your skin/shell drying out

Has his own special moisturizer he uses for his shell, and most likely won't share

But he will recommend you a lotion to use

Sometimes he'll hold your arm in his hand, examining your scales

DEFINITELY FOR RESEARCH PURPOSES AND DEFINITELY NOT BECAUSE HE LOVES YOUR SCALES, ABSOLUTELY NOT (wink wink)

He has S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N remind you of your moisturizer

One time before he knew about your itchy skin, saw you almost scratch yourself to the bone and was very concerned

He definitely makes you some sort of mechanical back scratcher (that definitely doesn't have a flame thrower build into it, that would be crazy (wink wink))

He asks you a hundred questions when it comes to your scales, like, are they water proof? What kind of tissue/material is it made of and do you have to eat specific foods to get the nutrients to continue to take care of said scales, ECT ECT

He'll find himself sub consciously staring at your scales and denies anything if you catch him

Whenever you start to itch, he sometimes looks away, cause just seeing you itchy makes his shell feel itchy and it is not a good feeling.

🧡🧡Mikey🧡🧡

Is very very worried when he sees you scratch yourself so violently

At first he thinks you've got fleas or lice or something, but when he figures out your scales make you itchy, he totally understands

Dude tries to hook you up with some good lotion (the first time he accidentally almost gave you bacon grease and mistook it for lotion, it was kinda funny)

Sometimes when he's bored, he'll ask to paint on your scales using body paint (if your scales are very irritated)

He makes simple stuff on them, painting sunsets, gradients, sometimes little icons or patterns, whatever keeps him busy and happy

He'll scratch your back for you sometimes, and at first it was ok, until his arm started hurting from scratching you for so long (it was only five minutes) and he had to stop, still, the thought that counts.

Will go Doctor Delicate Touch on you if you refuse to use your lotion/moisturizer for whatever reason

Will run your scales on your arms if it makes you feel better

And sometimes he'll nuzzle his face on them.

He tries to count your scales while you try to count his spots (he gave up lol)

If you say you're itchy, he'll try to distract you by doing something with you, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

#headcannons #fanfiction #rottmnt #fanfic #save rottmnt #self insert #tmnt #rottmnt headcannons #rottmnt raph x reader #rottmnt mikey x reader #rottmnt leo x reader #rottmnt donnie x reader #rottmnt raphael #rottmnt michelangelo #rottmnt leonardo #rottmnt donatello #rottmnt raph #rottmnt mikey #rottmnt leo #rottmnt donnie #tmnt x reader

[drawsdenfiles]

I don't use tumblr a lot, but i check your blog all the time now and I wanted to ask what your process is for desiging Butcher's characters?

Aw, thank you for your question! I have way too much to say about this, here we go.

I started drawing them just based on how I imagined them while listening to the audio series, but lately I've tried putting more effort into actually reading Butcher's descriptions. It's his series, man, it's important to me that the characters look like the characters. ♥ Also, putting in that extra effort gives you a better chance at achieving a design other readers might've imagined too. ♥

After reading the descriptions, I'll try to incorporate more personal stuff into each character based on their personality, actions, and/or whatever, like, team they're associated with. For example, Lasciel's a Fallen Angel, right, so I've been giving her a pretty, albeit shattered, halo lately. Namshiel, too, has a broken halo in the form of some curved horns and floaty, magical gemstones. This part's really, really fun and an awesome creative exercise.

Next thing is to not settle on a design until it feels right. It's an amazing feeling and you'll know it when it hits you. I can't tell you how long I thought about Kincaid's design and how hard it was for me to see him as a blonde. I don't know why! Kincaid took a super long time and I also ended up looking for outside inspiration- I've been playing the Witcher 3 a lot lately and you can totally see that guy in the Kincaid drawings I made recently. Always keep playing around with stuff. It's so fun. Dresden Files is the first book series I've actually gotten really into- seriously, I'm not much of a reader at all, but Butcher's descriptions of characters and scenes give you so much to work with. Aaaand, while I have you... If you're looking for some art-related advice-- studying anatomy/photo books and redrawing the pictures in them have helped me out a whole bunch. I spent hours and hours studying/sketching the shape of the collar bone back when I was in middle school. Really look into proportions too. An oil painting class I took in community college has REALLY helped me appreciate colors and shapes- I've never oil painted before and maybe the supplies can be expensive, but God, it's so worth it, man. My teacher was, and continues to be, a master. OH- and a color theory class too! It was kind of tedious, but I can see color in a totally different way than I used to before. These classes are your tools, man, whether you do traditional or digital art. Did any of that make any sense?? Thank you for your question! I love talking about art- I think it may be difficult for a lot of people, especially nowadays with the introduction of AI, but nothing beats creating something all by yourself, whether it's writing or drawing, etc. Putting in the work and getting that good feeling- it's super cool.

#See???? I have way too much to talk about. #I think a lot of this advice can be used for your own stuff too- if you're ever writing/drawing your own series.

[annerbhp]

Oh are you working on any fanfic ?

Yup! Thanks for asking!

I've got two primary fics in the works. One I am already posting wip-style up on my A03: break upon your shore which is a canon-divergence story for The Untamed. I feel like I am super close to getting the next chapter done! Of course, if I am brutally honest, that is a fic I started writing with no clear idea where the heck it is going. That is not the way I usually work, so it's making me a little nervous. But I needed to just give myself space to try something. I've been getting in my own way when it comes to writing lately.

The second thing I am working on is a curse!fic. Again in The Untamed. It's at about 85,000 words already and should be 20 chapters or so. I've been making moderate progress on it lately. Finally worked out some tangled plot threads and thematic structures on a really long hike a few weeks back. This project in particular is really tickling that part of my brain that likes writing long, sprawling fics focusing on character development and relationships. With slow, slow burn of course. And I am trying my best to finish the whole thing in at least rough form before I start posting. But those polished first three chapters are looking really tempting! (Can I follow through on a long project like this without any external encouragement, not even the help of a beta, squee or otherwise? Only time with tell.

I have about a dozen other fic ideas in various states, so it would be nice to get one of these finished, both to make space for more ideas in my brain, but also to prove to myself that I can actually write and finish things. I haven't really done that since I finished in my head we do everything right back in early 2020. I've almost forgotten I used to write things and actually finish them.

Thanks for letting me blather on about this. It's been a little isolating writing for a new fandom. I'm not sure creating a second tumblr to put all my new obsessions on was the right call, but I didn't want to bore you all with something you never signed up to hear about. *shrug*

#i write therefore i complain #the untamed #cql #wangxian #my other tumblr is #@i-ship-therefore-i-am #for the record

[gloomysoup]

Gloomysoup Updates:

i've come to the realization that i posted exactly One (1) thing ab kinktober a few weeks ago and then never said anything ab it again.. oops. ima be honest i kinda forgot..

i will finish organizing and have something resembling a masterlist for the month up here in the next few days. it may change as the month progresses, depending on what my work schedule looks like, but i will hopefully be able to stay on track and actually post real content 🫡

i'm also hoping to start getting some one shots up that i've been working on, but those will likely go up starting in november, cross-posted on both tumblr and ao3. i have a few half-finished things i've been playing around with and getting feedback from friends on.

ALSO per my chaptered fic ideas:

typically i wait until i have the whole thing almost finished before i do much else with it, however i'm anxious to get things posted sooner rather than later. i know i've gained quite a few followers thru my little peeks at bts of several wips. i've been posted snippets on and off for a while now without actually giving any real content... and honestly i feel really bad ab it. i appreciate the traction i've gotten on this app and i really do want to give everyone what they came here for, despite how i may feel ab putting things out there right now.

i have a few wips that are making decent progress. i have a handle of first chapters almost completed. i MAY start posting them here in the near future, mainly with fics i already have fully plotted out. the others are still being worked out plot wise and i don't trust myself to stick w original ideas enough to post them anytime soon, but i may be able to get first chapters of secrets, stepdads, and daycare out once i'm satisfied with where they wrap up.

all this being said, my work schedule lately has been super fucked up. everything is a big mess and there's little consistency in anything. by the time i get home, i'm completely drained and usually go straight to bed just to get up and do it all again the next morning. we're severely understaffed and the owners are expecting those of us on day shift to pick up evening shift's slack every single time (as if we're not already there all day doing our jobs AND theirs, they expect us to do it on days we're supposed to be off). it also doesn't help that i'm still living w my parents in a sort of toxic environment and desperately trying to get out.

thankfully, things should be getting smoothed out soon. i'm hoping to make more progress on writing and getting things posted as soon as possible. i promise i'm trying. if you've stuck around this long, thank you. i truly appreciate all of you.

that's all for now. keep your eyes out for more updates and master lists to come :)

- gloomysoup

#gloomysoup #gloomysoup writing #gloomysoup writes #gloomysoup ao3 #stranger things #steddie #steve harrington #eddie munson #steve x eddie #omegaverse steddie #alpha eddie munson #omega steve harrington #steddie fic #stranger things fic #steddie fanfiction #steddie au #steddie fics #steddie dads #stranger things fanfiction

[spynorth]

little health update under the cut bc it is going to affect my activity levels both writing wise and ooc. mention of heavy subjects so. you don't have to read <3

so as some may remember from my hook blog, i got super sick in late 2021. It carried over into '22 and eventually led to me finally getting a lot of bloodwork, x rays, an echocardiogram .. literally all kinds of things. the only thing anyone could tell me was i was definitely sick and it was probably something 'minor' (i'm using that term so loosely) like a disorder or something that was no big deal. I've gone in for frequent labwork and things keep getting worse. It was actually my psychiatrist (not my gp. what a shock :| ) who looked closer and referred me to a hematologist oncologist. Sadly, the trend in my blood is getting worse. Despite meds, everything that should be going higher is still getting lower and everything that should be getting lower is going way higher. I got a test back yesterday and I more than likely am going to have to have a bone marrow biopsy (which. don't look that up. fuck.). They are thinking i have Primary Polycythemia which is a rare disorder (for my age group) classified as a blood cancer (again. perfect. not escaping the word lmao) since it involves mutated cells inside the bone marrow fucking up and going on the fritz. Thankfully, I have the best oncologist in the world and she's very thorough and though there are outliers .. survival rate if you get treatment is 14-24 years. That's not bad. It's 14-24 years of chemo rounds and blood transfusions and sometimes removing the equivalent of a blood donation every 2-3 days in the worst case scenarios but like .. you're not dead. so. i think that evens out. The unfortunate thing is survival is 1.5-3 years if untreated/treated improperly and I'm at 1.5 years since everything started. I have headaches, blurred vision, exhaustion, aches, bruising, incessant itching, constant nausea and I'm overheated like all the fucking time. poor hunter is always wrapped in blankets because when we turn the heater on it becomes unbearable for me. My blood pressure sucks for the first time ever in my entire life (I've gone from 109/60 to 150/100 this past friday) and when it pounds in my temples, it's hard to write. and to top it all off, my platelets are so damn high thanks to my bone marrow being fucked up and overproducing that I have to constantly worry about a stroke or embolism or something else just as sinister. So, hopefully, the plan is to get this show on the road and alleviate a lot of things and reverse what's been done.

My point in this is that I'm tired. I want to do things that sometimes my body won't let me do. I have moments where the little box in the corner of my mind I've stored everything in opens and I panic a bit. Am I gonna be grumpy sometimes? fuck yes. I'm not magic. Everyone has bad days/bad moods and you add stuff like this and sometimes i just want to punch things. so i ask for patience. both in replies and ooc communication. I want to talk to all of you. I want to hear about everything same as always, but sometimes I just don't have the energy to reply as quickly as I once did. throughout this whole thing, tumblr/writing has sort of been my getaway because its an escape that I can do while house bound .. and there's this little tiny part of my brain that keeps saying if I'm not active on the dash or making people laugh as much, that I'll fade away and be forgotten about. so i'm just asking that people please not let that be the case. i love you all <3

#medical // #cancer mention // #health // #ask to tag // #psa ; #yall don't have to read this. #the gist is suck it up bc i'm gonna be gone a lot but also love me pls #also if i hyperfixate on somethign and bug you about it like a desperate man trying to find some happiness #i'm apologizing now sjhfjfhghj lmao

[starry-mist]

I've actually finished s4 today and all my half-finished post-episode drafts are sitting in queue. I wish I had this much writing inspiration when it comes to fic right now. Sadly, I have none, so you get this dumping of Tumblr posts instead.

S4e13 thoughts:

This is an underrated episode with a ton of subtext.

Early side note: There was a series of four TV movies called The Love Club released...two Christmases ago, I think? Anyway two of the three Roses star in them, and Andrew Bushell (Michael) is a supporting character. They're cute. Very Hallmark-esque, but fun.

This script has a ton of subtext that I won't go super in-depth with.

I had a whole post written about potential episode order flips which somehow got flagged as mature...anyway, I dumped it, but in my mind, this episode could actually have come after the season finale. Since it doesn't, I am going to point out that in this episode and in 15 (and really in 12 also) Charlie and Sarah are very much having an emotional affair.

"Best friends working together...it's a lot more complex and nuanced..." or whatever Charlie's line is right before it cuts to Sarah smiling knowingly at him. We get it. You're secretly hot for each other but neither of you know how to USE YOUR DAMN WORDS.

Rex bringing up the pillow could have been a "hey Sarah, you should just sleep here" nod. (Okay I'm reaching, it's actually because he wants Charlie to go to bed, but it's cute.)

Sarah dancing with Rex while Charlie gazes lovingly at both of them...sigh.

The pillow Sarah throws at Charlie (while sitting extremely close to him on his couch) at the end...thanks, Rex, for getting in the middle of those two before they had YET ANOTHER MOMENT OF WEAKNESS BECAUSE ARGH THEY ARE SO FRUSTRATING.

Have I mentioned lately how much this season destroyed me the first time around?

Same actor, different character: I believe we last saw Dana Puddicombe as a food truck owner in s1, and here she's a nail salon owner. She'll reappear in the s5 finale.

#hudson & rex #charah #charlie hudson x sarah truong

[unknownths]

GET  TO  KNOW  THE  MUN.

WHAT  MADE  YOU  PICK  UP  THE  MUSE  YOU  HAVE  ?   autism probably

IS  THERE  ANYTHING  YOU  DON'T  LIKE  TO  WRITE  ?  aside from the like. illegal and morally reprehensible stuff i'm not very good at writing action since i don't do it often, so i skirt around it lol. if i were going to write for more than a hobby i would probably practice and get better at it and hate it less. i also just don't really find cheating as a plot device interesting or sexy lol but i can't really think of anything that's a super hard no for me

IS  THERE  ANYTHING  YOU  REALLY  ENJOY  WRITING  ?   hurt/comfort makes me want to eat glass /pos

HOW  DO  YOU  COME  UP  WITH  YOUR  HEADCANONS  ?   autism again. no uh i just. idk exist. i'm possessed or something probably. my mind just wanders. sometimes i black out and my phone notes are full of headcanons. i'm super normal about it

DO  YOU  WRITE  IN  SILENCE  OR  LISTEN  TO  MUSIC  ?   varies based on how overstimulated i am LMAO a lot of the time i'll write on my phone just in notes or on a google doc because that's what i have energy for, so that's usually silent. if i'm sitting down to knock out a bunch of drafts i'll usually pick a playlist of the character i'm writing to get me in the zone :)

DO  YOU  PLAN  YOUR  REPLIES  OR  WING  THEM  ?   i want to say i wing them but truthfully i think i plan most of it. not like hardcore planning, but if a thread is going somewhere i've usually had some sort of conversation with the other writer about the general direction of the thread or our muses' relationship whatever that may be. i don't like to have everything super plotted out usually because at that point like.... why am i writing it if i've already let it rotate in my head for 10 million years, but sue me i like some structure

DO  YOU  ENJOY  SHIPPING  ?   I'M A WHORE. LET THEM KISS.

WHAT'S  YOUR  ALIAS/NAME  ?   My middle name technically haha. I used to go by the name of one of my first ocs, but then i started writing her on tumblr and it got weird, so i started using my middle name which then got shortened to christie. since i'm a performer i've also had to think about my stage name a lot, and i ended up including it in that which is kinda fun

AGE  ?   22 baby let's gooo

BIRTHDAY  ?  September 29, same as my Aether and also Annie @actstogether <3

FAVORITE  COLOR  ?   It used to be orange but tbh? Green has kinda been the vibe lately

FAVORITE  SONG  ?   it's either francesca by hozier or fake out by fall out boy, i don't think anything else even comes close to those

LAST  MOVIE  YOU  WATCHED  ?   dune part 2! for once i've seen something recent lmao i don't watch a lot of movies but my dad loves dune so i had to watch the first one and then he dragged me to the new one last week

LAST  SHOW  YOU  WATCHED  ?   like casually i think it was psych, as far as like binging a whole series i'm not sure

LAST  SONG  YOU  LISTENED  TO  ?  red wine supernova by chapell roan don't look at me like that

FAVORITE  SEASON  ?   i dont even know anymore bro. spring maybe?

DO  YOU  HAVE  A  TUMBLR  BEST  FRIEND  ?   i have a crew :^) my little gay people in my discord server <3

tagged by: @mischiiefs hi mak xx tagging: well u see. mak also tagged the rest of the aforementioned crew so if you wanna do this go for it i can't stop you-

#ooc › christie ╲ i don't even have my own attention.

[gurugirl]

OH MY GOD

Ranch Hand Harry was one of the best things I've ever read in my life. And that's not an exaggeration. You really have made it worth it to be a member because you continue to just hit us with these amazing stories. No offense to your tumblr fics but every patreon exclusive of yours is better and better. I get why you keep these behind a paywall.

I know it's a one shot but I would love to see little blurbs of them as their relationship grows. I can tell everyone over on patreon agrees.

But let me swoon over ranch hand harry for a mo.

First of all he's so patient with her. He sees her with her boyfriend but yet he's still so sweet to her in every way. And I love how he puts Jessie in his place every time. The one liners are genius and it just makes Harry so hot that he's so confident. At first I was like - oh Harry's kind of rude to her boyfriend but that changed fast when I realized her boyfriend was an abusive douche. So then how could we not root for Harry?

This whole part 🥺

“Love you in a sundress,” his mumbled, breathy words spoken against your lips had you grinning widely as his big palms kneaded at the outer plush of your thighs. “Yeah? You love me?” Your giggles belted louder when his fingers found your ribs higher up. “Sweetheart, you know how I feel.”

And when Harry says this to Tyler

“Better be nice to your girlfriend or someone else’ll do it for you,” Harry stepped right in front of Jessie as he put his hat on his head.

The whole thing just had me giggling and grinning like an idiot.

The tension between them was perfect. You always do tension so well in your stories. I love how it feels so natural and as if I'm going through all of this as if you've written me into the story.

oh! And this is a little off top but that reminded me I have been meaning to mention this, that as a dark skin girl this means so much to me when you refrain from talking about YN blushing pink or her long soft hair or whatever things I'll never have/do. Not that I don't enjoy the physical description of a white girl cause I don't actually imagine myself as the reader normally, but I can tell you are conscious of this and I want to thank you, especially with all your writing lately you are very inclusive.

Back to ranch hand harry. I need to ask too, do you know much about ranching or that lifestyle? I felt like I was reading an experts take on some of the things. Also the way they talk you can tell they have that country thing going.

I keep getting off subject and now I've lost track but I just wanted to tell you how much I love that one. I love Harry in this so much. Love how you built the story up and made the characters all feel unique and fresh.

Never stop doing what you do. You make my whole day when i see that you've posted. Thank you so much.

AHhhhhh!! When I saw this feedback I had to read it over and over again just to be sure I was reading it correctly because I'm in awe. Like this doesn't feel like it's meant for me but you are talking about the fic I posted so it has to be right? 🙈

Okay... so wow. I am super flattered you loved it so much. I absolutely loved writing it. Very much had fun with the whole thing. I don't know a lot about ranching but I did grow up in the southern midwest in the US and cowboy culture is a big thing from where I grew up and I know a few things but I was never into it that much. Most of what I wrote was googled or something I saw on TV 😂

And as for trying to be inclusive - that's so good to hear you feel this way. Someone left a comment on one of my tumblr fics kind of a while back pointing out something about how I described Y/n and it made me realize I need to be careful of how I do that when I write her if I have her as reader insert and not an OC. So I appreciate you've noticed this! It's always my intent to make everyone feel seen.

I'm over the moon with this feedback. Thank you so so much hon. Absolutely blown away by how nice this is. You have no idea how much this just made my day 🥰

ps... tehe!! I think you meant jessie when you said tyler - tyler is from ex-boyfriend's dad but i get the mix-up. there are so many loser boyfriends i'm writing lately 😂

xoxo

#ask #patreon ask #cowboyrry #cowboy!harry #ranch hand!harry

[animehouse-moe]

Time really flies, huh. And here I was just thinking that I wasn't feeling like talking about today's Frieren episode, but still wanted something to chat about.

So I'll talk about this for some fun as I look back on what's already a year.

It's kind of crazy that Twitter's just been in a complete state of disrepair for so long. Truthfully, I didn't expect it to last this long, nor do I really think that Elon has much time left. But I was wrong before, so I'm probably wrong again.

Anyways, in the past year, I've really found my passion for anime and manga to grow and develop much more thanks to Tumblr. Getting more space, and better organized tools to express my thoughts has really done a lot for how I approach these things.

When I first started out I was always just doing a sort of play by play of my thoughts on an episode or volume. "I really liked this moment, but then they went here and did this before doing this which I didn't like", that kind of thing.

Of course, I was better than that by the time I got to Tumblr, but I feel like since that November a year ago now, I've gotten even more efficient with my thoughts, even better at breaking apart what I like about something.

And I really, really enjoy being able to see that progress. I want to share all the cool and good pieces of something, and be able to point out why I don't like something or it's not good, so making so much progress just feels really good.

Another thing that I've really enjoyed about Tumblr is that I don't feel the need to post about things that I don't want to. Case and point, I didn't really feel like I had anything to add to today's Frieren episode (aside from gorgeous walk cycles), and I don't feel the pressure to do that so that I can continue being active and involved. I'm a part of the community and hobby, not the other way around. Being on Tumblr where discoverability is far more fine tuned than on Twitter where it's "did you post as soon as possible and use enough sensational words?" just makes it far easier to not worry about "falling behind". If I wanted, I could post a week late about the episode and still feel good about it versus how I'd approach doing that on Twitter. And then there's the whole blue thing which has just completely kneecapped the platform.

It's also made me take a look at how I express myself and my interest in the hobby. I would have never really properly considered making videos on the subject (hence why I write so much), but here I am with a TikTok account, and even making a pass at a YouTube video. All because Tumblr's allowed me to better express and explore my interest in the hobby and community.

It's all very cool stuff, and I very much appreciate the platform for affording me these experiences, and the confusingly large following I have on this account. I'm really not well versed in Tumblr stuff (even after a year, I know. I'm not super big on social media, truthfully), so I have no idea how many followers is considered "a lot" on here.

Also, for those still reading, I'll be doing something a little fun over on Twitter next week. This is just a heads up, but I'll be sharing the information here as well for people that may or may not be interested.

#tumblr anniversary #1 year tumblrversary

[demonscantgothere]

hey there! in light of the recent negativity, i just wanted to say how much i appreciate you and this fandom as a whole! i was super shocked when i heard about what was going on, and it made me all the more grateful for the amazingly positive community that has formed around this crazy ship (which is what drew me to tumblr in the first place). this fandom is an incredibly special place, and people like you are a HUGE part of that! you've brought countless smiles to my face with all of your posts about Haladriel, whether they're on the more serious end, just plain goofy, or even snippets of fics that you're working on. i've had such a wonderful experience in this fandom, and that is largely because of blogs like your own. you are so supportive and kind, and just as enthusiastic as the rest of us!

anyways, i know this was kind of long and sappy, but seriously, it breaks my heart to see people behaving so negatively towards people who are just passionate about something they love! it's so encouraging to watch this fandom just surround each other with love and support! so i guess i just wanted you to know how amazing you are! i was going through my history on AO3 the other day (a disastrous rabbit trail), and the first haladriel fic i ever read was one of yours! i mean, i think that's pretty awesome, if i do say so myself! and on top of that, Though The Gods has become one of my all-time favorite comfort fics, and i have revisited it MANY times, especially when i'm feeling particularly sad or upset. it's like getting a big hug in the form of a fanfic, and i will forever be grateful to you for that! sorry for making this WAY long, but i think it's important to spread love and kindness, especially when there's so much negativity going around. sending me best wishes and vibes your way!💕

It means so much to hear you say all of that, so thank you! I've been a little quieter than usual as of late, but I am trying to take some time for myself. Fiction and fandom are places of escape, and I want to protect that for myself as much as possible.

I know my fics aren't everyone's favorites, and they don't have to be, but I hardly ever hear that, so when I do, it means so much to me, especially in the face of all this going on lately. Though the Gods has a special place in my heart, and I'm so, so happy it has moved you in this way. It held a lot of meaning for me when I wrote it, so to know it's an all-time favorite comfort fic for you means the world to me, so again, thank you so much. ❤️❤️❤️

And to know that I was the first one you read! How awesome, thank you!!! I also wanted to tell you that you are a bright spot in this fandom for me, and I always love talking and interacting with you. You're so sweet, positive, encouraging, and uplifting! Never stop!!! ❤️

#shia-the-buff #ask me things #my fic

[sadi-fics]

New Official Sadi-Bloodmoon rp rules/fandoms post!

Oh boy, things have finally calmed down in terms of rp, a lot of my other stuff has died down, and my life is relatively calm as of late, so I figured "Time to lose some hurhurhur".

That being said, I deleted my old post in favor of using this one from here on out. I'll semi frequently update my profile status to say " rps open/closed" in the future to avoid confusion. Now let's get onto the fandoms section of this post!

The main fandom I'm looking to be involved in rps with is JJBA, and it is my hyperfixation at the moment, but I'll list a few other things I want to try just for the sake of building bridges.

-JJBA parts 1-5 (Burnt out on this one right now, Sorry)

-Helluva Boss/Hazbin Hotel

-Super Mario Bros

-Star Wars (closed due to lack of interest)

-Kuroshitsuji/Black Butler (CURRENTLY CLOSED, I'M BURNT OUT ON THIS ONE, WILL UPDATE WHEN I FEEL READY FOR GRELLE AGAIN)

(Edit: Adding a section about AU'S and crossovers...) Yeah, in general, just ask me if you have any ideas, but I've done several au related things at this point, and a few crossovers, and I feel like some that I can handle are as follows:

-Old West AU

-Mermaid / Sea Life AU

-Cottagecore AU

-Modern AU

-Fairytale / Magical Creatures AU

-Gods / Demigods AU

-Mafia AU

And in general, I'm open to new things as long as you ask me first!

And now for the most grueling part! The rules!

Please don't approach me for an rp if you're underaged, I'm not looking for an rp with minors, or to go to prison. And please don't lie about your age to get into my DMs, that shit's not okay.

As stated previously, you must be 18+, the reason for that is that I want the content of our rp to contain smut, but it won't be immediately, there should be a build up to smut between two characters.

Tell me about any and all triggers or sensitivities you might have so I can avoid triggering topics, our rps are meant to be a safe space for both of us.

No scat, vomit, or diaper fetish.

No pedophilia ships, incest ships, zoophile ships, or proshipping in general.

I'll be checking your profile to see if you're a proshipper, map, zoophile, terf, or anything problematic, I tend to form friendships with my rp partners, and don't think I can be friends/rp with bad people for the sake of my own mental health. You should also have your age in your bio so that I have confirmation that you're a legal adult.

Active hours really don't matter all that much, replies can just be whenever you're able to write, my reply schedule will probably be inconsistent too, so you don't have to feel bad if you fall asleep or have to work. But, please let me know if you're going to be inactive for more than 2 weeks, I would greatly appreciate it!

I only do OCxCanon ships, and prefer to double up, you do my crush, I do yours, equivalent exchange!

I'm not too picky about reply lengths, but more than 6 sentences in a semi lit to literate writing style would be ideal. I don't do illiterate roleplay, sorry.

If I happen to be inactive for more than 2 weeks, feel free to poke me, I really don't mind.

I only roleplay on discord, sorry

Where to contact me?

If you dm me on either of my Tumblr blogs, I may take longer to contact you back due to notifications on here being silly for me, so here's my discord info.

Shoot me a message or a friend request or something if you're interested! Don't just comment on this post saying "interested", you little dorks. If you read the whole post, include the word "fork" in your first message, that's the secret word.

#i roleplay with my ocs and some canon characters #roleplay #looking for rp #semi lit rp #literate rp #jjba roleplay #jjba part 4 #helluva boss #helluva boss rp #star wars #star wars rp #kuroshitsuji #black butler #super mario #super mario rp #I wanna frick Bowser okay?!?! #FUCK

[harringtontmaa]

coming off anon because I can. I meant every single word about how much I adore your Steve. I have been tempted time and time again to return to the rpc. I feel like so much has changed though.

ah, hello ! i'm glad you did come off anon, it's nice to meet you ! & i definitely understand your hesitance. as someone who has been in the tumblr rpc in general for a decade now, & involved with the st rpc since 2019, it's absolutely different now than it has been in the past. especially with st it can be overwhelming sometimes, because there are a lot of people in the rpc, which means a lot of opinions. & just like all parts of the internet, people can struggle to coexist with others with clashing opinions. i've mostly managed to avoid friction with others just by staying in my own lane, but conflict does happen sometimes in such a large community of people online.

there's also been a bit of a transition period in the community lately with formatting for rps using the new editor, but i've actually mostly figured it out despite my irritation at needing to lean a new method, with the help of people who have been super helpful with putting together tutorials & answering questions. i do also want to say that some people get really invested in their rp graphics & themes & icons, & so feeling like you need a bunch of graphics to rp can be a big challenge for some people who want to join. but while i definitely understand the appeal of having a pretty blog & decorating your posts ( & absolutely have no issue with those that do it ofc ! ), i don't really do it, & i think it's important to remember that you don't actually need all those kinds of things to rp. all you really need to be part of the rpc is the urge to write a character & the willingness to collaborate with another person & their character to make a story !

all that being said, & in spite of the issues that the tumblr rpc has, i am clearly still here ( in spite of my bouts of low activity or hiatus ) ten whole years later, so i can confidently say that there are many things and people to love here ! if you do decide to return, i encourage you to do it on your own terms & in whatever way makes you feel comfortable & supported so that you can be creative. don't feel pressured because you feel like most of the community does something a certain way — on your blog, set your own rules based on your comfort levels. & always feel free to reach out to others for help, either directly or on the dash ! i have had really amazing luck with finding partners who are wonderfully invested as they are patient, & i do believe that the vast majority of the rpc consists of kind & good people who just want to write — and would love to write with you if you ever did decide to return !

thanks so much for the message & for the kind words ! i realize you didn't explicitly ask for advice, but i hope my experience as a veteran roleplayer gives you a little more clarity. if you end up coming back to the rpc, let me know ! i'll be first in line to welcome you back, friend. 💗

#rainbowscoopsrobin #⚡ — ooc / answered. #also sorry for the delay in responding to this !

[mllemouse]

2022 holiday card

hi friends.

I've been feeling like i can approach tumblr from a healthier perspective lately, so

i thought I'd write you my version of like those family newsletters you get in holiday cards to keep everyone in the loop.

Uh, TW for like terrible mental health issues and sexual assault.

I last posted in October 2021, so to cover that bit as well...

that month i set my hair on fire over my stove and had to cut it up to my chest to get rid of all the singed bits. I was sad that my long long hair was gone, so I had my coworker shave me a raddddd undercut

In November 2021 i started seeing a few therapists after spending almost the entire year trying to get started with one and increasingly relying on friends and crisis lines to keep myself here. I settled on one therapist i really liked and still see him weekly.

In December, my coworker began sexually harassing me. It's still an issue and I no longer work with him one on one. Its brought up a lot of past trauma. My mum came to pick me up and bring me home for Christmas, but instead got COVID and had to quarantine in my studio apartment with me for three weeks. I didn't get COVID, but between that and the coworker stuff, i felt pretty traumatized by January. Thank God i got the therapist thing covered in november.

In January one of my coworkers quit, leading to a mass exodus over the course of the year. I'm so proud of my coworkers for pursuing new positions and getting out of this poorly run organization. My visa renewal application also began in January and was approved a few weeks ago, meaning i can stay in the country until 2025! And my employer has agreed to sponsor my green card app, after which I too am outta this place. I've learned a lot about distancing myself from work when the situation is so far from ideal. I also opened up to my closest coworkers about being queer, my history with sexual assault, and what had happened with our coworker in December (which continued into January), and we came up with a safety plan, plus i felt a lot closer to them.

in March i was still really struggling and my therapist recommended medication. I got a wonderful psychiatrist who gently introduced me to the appropriate drugs, not so gently introduced me to the pathological understanding of my mental illnesses. The first week I was on meds my best friend from undergrad came to visit for a week and we saw Tame Impala, which was incredible. Plus did a whole bunch of other fun stuff. I hadn't seen her since like... 2018? Despite the side effects of meds, being upset over my clinical evaluation, and overwhelmed at getting back into like going out in public and doing things, being able to wake up without immediately feeling suicidal was a huge relief.

April I went to Philadelphia TWICE in two weeks. Once to cheer J on in a half marathon and then with my coworker to a conference and sightseeing. I had really wonderful visits and can't believe I had never visited before then!!!

In May, my best friend from grad school and I rode the five boro bike tour. I made a goal at the beginning of the year to ride across the Tappan Zee Bridge and back, which is over 100km (aka a century ride) from my house. This was supposed to be one of my big rides to gear up for the century. This ride was not as fun as 2021, there were so many people and dangerous casual riders on the route, then we spent four and a half hours trying to get home cause the ferries we're overwhelmed. I had fun with my friend but I'm not so sure about next year.

In June i visited J's beach house after a gruelling exhibition schedule through May and June. i had a lovely time until i had a meltdown on the third day. I went to the beach in a binder for the first time and decided to just wear my board shorts instead of taking them off to swim, which was nice. J and our other friend began using they/them pronouns and my nicknames L and LG when they were talking with me in person, and it was super heartwarming and exciting to experience. It made me feel very special.

In July, i had my first appointment for HRT. They prescribed me testosterone right away, but it took around a month to get a response from my insurance, which denied the claim. I was crazy busy at work from August to the end of September and things really fell apart for me. I hired C as my freelancer to help on the exhibition be sure now there was so more staff left, which went really well. However, i stopped taking my meds and all of my good habits fell to the wayside.

In August i went back to Canada to photograph my uncle's wedding WITH COVID. My mum insisted that i travel even though I was sick and then didn't let me stay home for the wedding, because they had asked me to photograph it. It was really uncomfortable, but they were happy i got their wedding photos. Although, i still have not found time to edit and send them. Ugh.

In September i completed a 75 mile (100+ km) ride, meeting my goal of doing a century, but it wasn't to the bridge! i did it alone and it made me super depressed during and after the ride. I'm still evaluating what i want my relationship with cycling to be now, cause long rides by myself aren't really conducive to good feelings for me rn.

when the show at work opened in October, i went to J's parents' house for a Canadian thanksgiving/harvest feast weekend, met their dog, sister, and parents, and had ANOTHER meltdown. They told me they were dating someone--and it was incredibly upsetting, but i didn't know how to bring up my feelings about this. After my month off meds, i was a mess again. After this weekend though, i opened up to many more people because I felt like I needed to extend my support network.

I came out as trans to all my friends and close coworkers (mostly now former coworkers) in the city, let them know I use gender neutral pronouns, that I enjoy my nicknames, and that I was beginning HRT. I went to the pharmacy and got my prescription filled even though I had to pay out of pocket. I started testosterone on October 14th!! I cannot overstate how incredibly important this was to me. It felt like the most meaningful thing I've done for myself in my life. Coming out to people who i knew were safe helped me feel closer to them, and almost everyone was amazingly supportive about hrt.

In October i ALSO officiated my best friends' wedding. It was incredible, and really one of the best days of my life. Everyone in attendance was lovely. My speech and their vows went swimmingly. Everyone had so much fun and enjoyed ourselves into the early hours of the morning. My friends have the most wonderful community of people around them and I'm so glad I'm a part of their lives.

In November I got a new psychiatrist after my old one left the practice. She's ok, and urged me to get a primary care doc to begin keeping track of my blood work, so I'm building momentum for care in the new year. I scheduled an appt with a PCP at a queer-focused clinic in January. after a real scheduling snafu i got a follow up appointment for HRT in mid-December. I ended up missing two weeks of T because of this, which triggered a massive horrible period the day after my birthday. I missed two days of birthday celebrations, but the night out i did have with friends was pretty fun. Idk, i have mixed feelings about it.

things came to a head with J a couple weeks ago where they asked if I had romantic feelings for them, and when i affirmed that, they rejected me before i could say i didn't want to discuss it cause I couldn't handle the rejection in a healthy way. We haven't spoken since and I've been in a pretty bad place despite sticking to meds. However, I've been working through this stuff with my therapist since the incident in October and idk... learning about how fucked up i am is tough. I'm really sad about it all and still figuring out how to move forward.

I also tried to go to Canada for Christmas and couldn't because of the blizzard in buffalo, so I spent the holidays in my house again. at least my mum wasn't here this time.

I've been a little suicidal over the last couple of weeks even though I'm on meds, and only skipped a day recently. I skipped a few days right after the stuff with J happened and ended up going into withdrawal pretty bad, so I learned that lesson. So idk. I'm still trying to muddle through.

To end on a positive note, this morning i noticed that the hair around my belly button, the kind that like makes you the line down the centre of your torso, is getting darker. I feel a little bit scared but also excited. I love a lil bit of tummy fuzz and find it endearing that i can have some for myself. I've also gotten a bit more muscular just from the furniture lifting I do at work, and a few weeks ago I did planks for the first time without any shoulder pain since I injured it in 2012. I've picked a gym in my neighborhood to sign up for when i can get motivated to leave the house and return to strength training. One of the best things about being on T so far has been that it has virtually erased my chronic low body temp and reynauds symptoms, and is supposed to help alleviate my anemia, easy bruising, and PMS/PMDD (which have all been weakened but not yet eliminated). Like all this shit I've been told just sucks and I have to deal with is just disappearing. So eventually i can just be like, a person without symptoms of these conditions?!

Also, Fred and George are sliving. I found shelves on the street for them to climb way up high, and I started feeding the birds and squirrels from the windowsill. They love bouncing around the room and watching the backyard happenings.

I'm not sure I'm hopeful about the future yet cause things are still really hard, but I'm at least learning how to begin living on my own terms.

Fred

George