#idk if i should put that part but i rly want to be like it's fine if u want to ignore me or whatever i understand 😭

[svtskneecaps]

feel like the global tasks sweep strat should probably be nerfed somehow. my thought would be, give each team an individual ten minute overall cooldown on global task claims. that is to say, a certain team can only claim one global task per ten minutes. say, deliver gas masks, and then in ten minutes you're allowed to deliver tea, and then after another ten minutes you can claim hot chocolate.

another teams would be able to claim a global task for bananas during this time, and their own ten minute cooldown would start.

(the global tasks can either keep their individual ten minute cooldown [i.e. after tea is claimed no one else can claim tea for ten minutes] or a slightly shorter cooldown, say 5-7 minutes)

when a global task is claimed, everyone is notified, right? if not, in my hypothetical, they will be.

then, a team trying to sweep six tasks at once would actually take sixty minutes to do, allowing another team to swoop in and have a chance to stop it in cinematic, entertaining fashion rather than tubbo having to grind resources and then log out in front of the merchant to counter this, which is boring for everyone (including the person delivering). plus, if a team cuts it down to the last second and ends up getting delayed, they physically wouldn't have time to make a delivery, meaning even being a BIT of a nuisance could be a viable strategy, even if you can't manage to kill; if you can STALL you could still wreck their plans.

that's my dream anyway idk i'm not a game designer. just think it would be interesting for most players

(i elaborate under)

red team would have to shake up their strategies, which is fun since they're a team that kinda has to rely more on strategy than outright brawn (overall the team's pvp can't be relied on unless they have carre or phil, as seen today when pierre, bad, and etoiles attacked phil cellbit foolish and baghera, and cellbit and foolish both died to etoiles in the attack, despite it being a 4 on 1 at the time. baghera was killed by bad soon after. phil was the one to get the kills. the first day, when blue attacked [niki, tubbo, and bad as i recall] carre got both kills)

the other teams would then still have a way to stop a global sweep since a sweep would have to start earlier, allowing not only more time to arrive at global to pvp about it, but ALSO allowing another team to swoop in and steal the goal out from under the team again

i'm gonna use it in a scenario bc i'm badboyhalo and i can't stop myself from making examples:

so, tonight, if the proposed cooldown was in place, bad and tubbo would both still had roughly 17 minutes when red team would have HAD to start the sweep process if they wanted all six global tasks: 1 hour until the server closed at absolute MINIMUM. more for safety's sake.

therefore, in this scenario, there's a lot to happen

blue team could wait at globals, knowing red will probably try this strategy, and attempt or perhaps SUCCEED in killing red. if they kill red entirely, the operation is a wash; red doesn't have to gear to come back from scratch and take out blue team, and even if they could, the travel time to return to globals alone would mean they wouldn't get all the global tasks, potentially meaning they don't take the lead. if blue team is unable to kill red and dies themselves or has to retreat, but succeeds in delaying red, red would face the same problem.

if red sends in all of the task items on one person, and that person dies, even if the rest survived, blue could loot the items from that person and would be able to either use the items themselves, if green is currently the owner, or could run away with the items, effectively wasting red's time and again, meaning they wouldn't get all tasks claimed even if they were able to overtake the runner and reclaim their items.

i'm unclear what would happen if red divided the task items between them since it seems like the person claiming the task doesn't have to have all (or any? again, unclear) the items in THEIR inventory in order to claim so long as a teammate is nearby with the items in their inv (evidence: pac's vod "voltei... o que tá acontecendo no QSMP?!" at roughly 3:00:00; tubbo claims tea and tea is taken out of pac's inventory. i don't know the limits of this strategy)

blue team also has time to swoop in and steal a global task out from under red during this time. say, if red team had claimed the task for 10 tea leaves, upping the price to 15 tea leaves, and then blue team snuck in and claimed the task and set the price up to 20 tea leaves, (since the proposed 10 minute cooldown on claims would be TEAM LIMITED; red's cooldown applying to red only and so on). if red waited until the last second, they wouldn't have the time to reclaim this task even if they did have the resources, possibly forcing them to start their sweep earlier to counter this possibility, at which point team members who had logged on earlier and are out of time by the end of the night, OR members who live in time zones that don't allow them to stay up until server close, may have an easier shot at participating in defending against a global sweep.

all of this DIRECT CONFLICT would make for good audience entertainment and heighten the stakes of an attempted global sweep, since it would practically have to be one team defending globals for an hour while they pipe all their resources into it, knowing that if they die another team could easily swipe their task resources and use it themselves (along with the rest of their gear). it makes it more interesting, while still mostly viable.

plus it would force more strategizing for red team which is maybe just a personal plus, i just really like seeing people planning both in advance and in spur of the moment. it's really satisfying to see how a plan comes together and succeeds or fails; plus, since red team is the main team using this strategy at the moment and their main draw and strength as a team is cohesion and communication this would be completely fucking riveting for me as a viewer so maybe this is just a personal thing. but i really really think it would be fun

but again, i'm not a game designer, or a qsmp player, or a qsmp admin, or honestly even really a gamer? so maybe i'm off my rocker and out of my gourd and this isn't viable or balanced in any way shape or form but YKNOW what is this blog except putting stupid thoughts into the void and seeing if this time the void spits back hate mail so. i'm folding this into a paper airplane and throwing it into the abyss. hopefully it made sense.

k love you appreciate you getting this far, have a good week!!

(i hope your team gets a win in dramatic fashion and celebrates together!!! i hope they come together and unleash a plan so spectacular it takes the server by storm!!! i hope it's so good it becomes a vod you go back to even years in the future!!!! i hope you have a good week!!!!!)

#qsmp #qsmp purgatory #shut up vic #block game brainrot #yes it's long beneath the keep reading no i'm incapable of being succinct #i color coded the important parts though i just wanted to try to be clear #examples are my bread and butter i do programming and math they make everything easier for me to understand #god i hope this makes sense to other people i didn't ask my biological peer reviewer so idk if this is stupid or not #tbh it's just a tumblr post so i guess it's whatever if it is but i put wayyy more work than necessary into double checking timelines lol #(i didn't watch blue today sorry :/ idr if i mentioned in the body of the post but i main red team) #(their energy is just more entertaining for me personally; though i kept an eye on pac once i could multi-watch!) #anyway other team mains feel free to weigh in if i'm making weird assumptions about what the teams are capable of #heaven knows my pov is biased here LMFAO #((for what it's worth i am fully aware this means red team aren't rly underdogs anymore and i super want them to be kicked in the stomach)) #((back to the drawing board; what will they do??? I WANT TO KNOW :O)) #((seeing them crawling back to victory from being like two pixels on the bar on sunday was great. more of that pls)) #idk i've rambled enough #long tags #ignoring daylight savings it's technically one am goodnight friends i hope this post doesn't suck hahahaha............... #OH AND IF ANYONE THINKS I SHOULD TAG SOMETHING FOR FILTER PURPOSES ABSOLUTELY LET ME KNOW #i want to be courteous but i think this post is pretty neutral in tone? but if you think it deserves a tag i will absolutely add it!!!!!

[nomaishuttle]

sometimes u put yr playlist on shuffle a song comes up and you have to put another song in the queue immediately as soon as it comes on bc it makes you think of that song

#this is abt aura by ghost and pals Sry everytime i hear it im like a fiddle This is just like devil went down to georgia and then i have to #put devil went down to georgia in the queue #i think its a fiddle innit.. it sounds like a fiddle but im also NOTORIOUSLY bad at telling instruments apart. <- guy who once couldnt tell #if something was a guitar or a piano i actually rly rly rly rly dont wanna get into it okay. #i guess you didnt know it but i am a fiddle player too 😏😏 #sry. the other thing this post is abt is kiss me and ladies in their sensibilities sweeney. obviously those r connected #but if ladies in their sensibilities comes on by itself i quite literally couldnt be assed so everytime i have to put kiss me on instead an #add lits to the queue. bc them together is like the best song i ever heard its just that the beginning of lits is just kind of boring It #does get stuck i my head sometimes but the supreme part is the end thats Basically just a reprise of kiss me #but also theyre kind of the same song anyways at least o wowww i was just typing in tempo with the fiddle that was awesome. at least on the #2012 soundtrack aka the best one talk to the hand or dont i dont wanna hear it. well i do want to hear it it being the 2012 london cast #recording of sweeney todd starring michael ball and imelda staunton. ANYWAYS!! in that one the songs lead in to eachother #ive listened to all the other soundtracks but idr if they do that.. well ill tell u the movie doesnt bc it doesnt have kiss me. which is #just so. the johanna anthony romance doesnt rly have much substance in the first place and yr taking away like. their duet together. ok.... #AND yr taking away the end part of lits? the best part of that song? whatever its fine its fine. #if anybody is curious my ranking of casts is 2012 > obc > movie > 2006 i fucking hate 2006 or 2005 or whatever i hate it sm it makes my #blood literally boil im sry. i fucking LOATHE it idk what it is well i do but this post is already 5000000 years long. idt the new one is #out fully yet... i was ok with the songs i have heard but idk where id rank it yet. i should prolly check if the full things out yet omg so #me and my lampstie (way of saying my siblings name if theres something deeply wrong with you) can listen :]

[justinefrischmanngf]

i made such a fucking stupid mistake when talking to my parents at dinner i literally want to die

#relaying the events of the day and it slipped out that my best friend (producer man ive been talking abt)’s boyfriend called me a banana on #account of my being part chinese but raised in australia or what have u and my dad goes well thats racist #and like its not rly yknow like this man is chinese and im only part chinese and dont speak the language and was raised in australia and #on and on but more importantly is the fact that my dad keeps trying to raise equivalents to racism #like he wants nonwhite ppl saying something about white ppl to be ‘racist’ because white ppl saying something abt nonwhite ppl is #and he just doesnt understand its different and i tried to talk to him about it the other day and it didnt work #and so my mum goes ‘nessas going 2 sit u down one day and explain it all’ and EYE went ‘im not’ #when technically i SHOULD and i will have to because no one else is going to do it and it shouldnt fall to my mum but i fucking hate it i #hate it i hate it why is this such a problem why can he not just fucking understand or put some effort into understanding #he is not racist on a big scale ofc but he will do things like this and for whatever reason theres been a few things like this in the past m #month and he needs to fucking stop and i dont know how to get him to and i want to die #i barely ever bring up race or whatever bc its such a loaded topic so i dont know why i was so stupid tonight (v v tired) #my parents r probably in the most stable point of their relationship they have ever been in and this could very well blow it all the fuck up #and that would be justified on my mums part #ive just had it ive had enough #AND THE THING IS IM NOW JUST GOING TO LEAVE NEXT YEAR???? leave my baby sibling w all this ????? #its too much i cant do it #and like idk !!!!!! its all so much i hate it all so much as if i didnt feel guilty enough abt not being chinese enough or indian enough or #fucking ! australian enough !!!! #dont mind me im fine #this isnt that big a problem realistically

[earlyspringtranscendence]

michael scofield is th best character in the world because he’s got so many emotions constantly leaking outta him in waves of pain (or whatevr mitski said) like i think a lot of this is how irl gay man wentworth miller plays him but he displays so much vulnerability and even in his interactions with sara (which ok arguably exist in a different sphere because he’s not being watched by other men in the infirmary) the positive emotions or the flirty emotions he displays are far more open than are socially acceptable for a man (let alone a man in his position) and like im currently on 1x17 in which sara says she doesnt go for nice guys but the tortured ones she can fix and like. michael DOES fit that mold but only bc he quite literally does have tortured issues that are on constant display in prison, not because he’d go around pretending he doesnt have them just to have The Wife Back Home fix him about it. i cant put words to it. he’s so real.

#1x17 is the one where he's in solitary trying to remember the part of his tattoo thats burned off so he starts punching the wall till he #bleeds so he can use that to redraw it out and then sara has to come in cause he's catonic #catatonic* and then. and THEN. he puts his head on her knee. and its like. oh i get it now. no one else could have played this role. #but also like when it's saras bday in ep like idk 10 or smth and she throws out her dad's flowers #and they have Banter about her not wanting to be tied down by clutter and michael goes 'yeah ur right its rly overwhelming in here' #and sara says 'u should see my appartment' and michael goes 'woah :)' ... tender little roguish smile..... #even in his flirting he's a human being. which is not how men usually are. #aurgh he is so impt thts all #pb lb

[kuiinncedes]

do i . reach out to a high school friend who i haven't talked to since the end of last semester bc i haven't reached out but she hasn't reached out eitherrrr &lt;3

#i saw her on campus this morning on my way to class and the thing is i had a mask on and glasses that were somewhat transitioned/dark so #it was actually the second time i've seen her on campus the first time i pretended i didn't see her 😭 idk if she saw me but this time #we made eye contact for a couple seconds and then she looked away and that's when i tried to wave/say hi but i don't think she noticed #and idk if she didn't recognize me or if she ignored me on purpose <333 #bc then she also like i think saw a friend or something and started talking to someone else she ran into idk #why am i so shit at this :] lovely #i wanna send her like just hi i think i saw u this morning i would've said hi but i had to get to class #do u wanna meet up maybe i understand if not lol #idk if i should put that part but i rly want to be like it's fine if u want to ignore me or whatever i understand 😭 #but ig if i don't say anything i don't know if she ignored me or if she didn't recognize me #AJDFGDFHGKANGJAKFD anyway . idk #i hate myyyyy brain when it comes to friends <3333333 lovely #jeanne talks #ig like the fact that she hasn't reached out just makes me feel like . she doesn't want to hear from me or whatever idk #but ik that goes the other way too 😭😭 #we were never like close but idk she's just a fucking nice person and at least made it seem like she wanted to hang out w me sometimes 😭 #idk idk i didn't know how to be a person last year lmfao i still don't know how to be a person but i feel like i know a little better than #last year 😭 ugh anyway i need to fucking do work 😭😭😭

[thebestandrealestever]

“anything ?”

e42 miles x (black?) fem reader

warnings : none that i can think of. as always unedited genre & sum: angst with a happy ending, miles can’t let u go, it’s eating him up inside. little does he know u can’t either. a/n: wtf is upp, welcome back to my channel. and i’m sososo sorry that the pictures suck i didn’t rly know what to put, idk if i should call the reader a black reader bc u can’t tell expect for 1 part when she puts on a bonnet, do non black ppl put on bonnets?? also it’s not really fem reader ?? IS THE RAIN SCENE CORNY?? idk . enjoy

rise with the morning, you call to me.

“miles!” you laughed out at him as he started to attack you with kisses while you were sitting on his leg in the photo booth. “what? i can’t kiss you now?” miles asks acting like he’s fake offended. you turn your head from the camera to look at miles, “no, you can” you smile sweetly as you lean in to give him a proper kiss, the photo booth camera catching the perfect moment as the last picture.

my thoughts are crawling, you’re all i see.

you. it’s you he’s thinking about after his uncle tells him that he’s going to have to join him in assasinating one of the biggest drug/weaponry lords in all of brooklyn in all of new york! as soon as the lords left aaron’s mouth he thought about you, what if something happened to him, what if something happened to you? he couldn’t be associated with you anymore you could get hurt. he didn’t care about what happened to him but you he couldn’t let anything happen to y- “you listenin miles?” he snapped out of his thoughts and replied hesitantly and cleared his throat. “yeah, yeah man i’m good.”

i wish i could live without you. but, you’re apart of me.

“miles- whats going on with u? you’ve been ignoring my texts and calls and now you show up at my house, u go-“ “this not really workin out between us anymore.” miles took a deep breath in after cutting you off, he’d been ignoring you because he was trying to mental detach himself from the sacred relationship you shared, it was futile though seeing as miles carried you in his spirit he could never deatch. you stood there for a moment trying to give him a second to say he was joking or for you to wake up but nothing. the way he couldn’t look at you made you crumble inside. “what?” was the only word you could muster up. “the reason i been ignoring you, it’s because i don’t wanna be with you” he said lying through his teeth looking down. “are you serious? what about everything we’ve been through. “miles i-i love you! wtf r u doing rn?” you take a sharp inhale in to ask the question that you dreaded. “issa another girl?” miles eyes widen as he looked up at you, no! of course there wasn’t anyone else. it’s always going to be you for him. “uh yea. there’s someone else. it’s over (name.) i’m sorry” he said as he climbed out of your window before he started crying, the tears flowing from you eyes physically made his chest hurt. once miles left you put your face in your knees as you cried, all night.

where ever i go, you’ll always be next to me.

the classes you shared, the hallways, the cafeteria, the lunch spot you always used to go to. you were everywhere and it was torture, for you too. the amount of times you both wanted to reach out, pass notes in class like you did before. for there to be someone else miles was always alone. you noticed that just as he noticed the eye bags under your face and how they were often red rimmed. miles lay awake at night thinking about you, looking at old polaroid’s on his wall or picture on his phone, sometimes miles caught himself staring at you in class or when you passed his way. you tried to ignore miles seeing as how thinking about him for too long broke your heart. you were in denial, you refused to believe the love of your life was just gone. so no you didn’t take down the ig highlight you had of him, or the photo booth pictures off of your mirror, you can’t let him go. and you were gonna do something about it.

fall into the night, as i gaze onto you. shine so bright, it’s all i do

a day after miles did his big mission, he cried at night thinking about the look on his face as his uncle shot him. no matter how bad the person they were he still felt bad, for the people they loved and who loved them but he always remembered the people that they hated, and what they did to them. miles thought about you, what he did to you. why wouldn’t you leave his head? he needed to clear his head, he put his jacket and shoes on and headed into the hallway of his apartment walking down the stairs. you on the other hand had been sitting on the couch watching tv with your mouth as you were wrecking your brain trying to figure out a reason why he left. until that exact thing appeared.

i wish i could live without you. but, you’re apart of me.

“FAMOUS DRUG LORD WILSON GRANT FISK KILLED BY UPRISING VIGILANTE “THE PROWLER, MORE MATTER ON THE SUBJECT LATER.” it was miles. the picture they showed had a boy with a mask on, a hole ripped through it so you could see his eyes. it was miles eye, it was his braids. you thought more in detail about it, as soon as “the prowler” became a thing mile would leave more offen, come home to you with scars. a lot like the scars the news reporter described where he was hit. you saw gadgets and other things lying around his room that was often seen on true prowlers suit. miles was the prowler, is that why he left you? you weren’t sure but you didn’t really care, you needed to see him, talk to him, find out.

you hopped up putting your shoes and the speed of which you did so concerned your mother “u okay? where you think u going this late at night?” she asked laughing awkwardly, “uh, i need to go talk to miles. i’ll be back soon please mom let me go.” you begged and she sighed seeing the urgency in your eyes and hearing it linger off your tone“okay, be safe (name)” “okay mom!” you said rushing out the door still going to put on your bonnet because obviously. you ran sprinted to miles apartment that was conveniently only 5 minutes away.

wherever i go, you’ll always be next to me.

as you’re running you don’t even notice how fast you were going until you get to miles apartment. your out of breath and about to buzz the gate before miles walks out the door, it looks like he’s been crying? you tilt your head frowning at his expression which is a wide eyed squint? in a way, you don’t let your thoughts consume you for much longer before “you’re the prowler!” “im so sorry (name)” you both said at the same time as you hear the others words you both drop your jaws a little just before you opened your mouth it starts raining, hard either of you couldn’t care less though. “you’re the prowler. the vigilante on tv.. the one that just killed kingpin? that’s you right?” you say it quickly at first slowing down as you see miles face scrunch up. he thinks about it for a moment before exhaling and relaxing his face a little and maybe you didn’t notice the rain, your maybe neither of you cared. “how did you know?” “it was kinda obvious. i-is that why you broke up with me?” you ask looking down afraid of the answer. “yes! i mean yeah, that’s why. i didn’t want to because i love you so much but u couldn’t let you get hurt, i can’t let you g“ you cut him off by wrapping your arms around him pulling him in a big. a tear wells up in his eyes and he allows himself to cry, “i’m so sorry, i miss you so much.” you start crying too. “i miss you too, and i don’t want you to leave again okay? just tell me what’s going on miles, you can tell me anything.” you say with a smile and an inviting tone in your voice. you pull away from the hug and he kissed your forehead holding it with both hands. “anything?” he blubbers as he cries again and you chuckle at that a little sniffling in your own cries.

“anything.”

you’ll always be next to me.

#black reader #miles morales #across the spiderverse #miles morales x reader #earth 42 miles x reader #earth 42 miles morales x female reader #spotify #black fem reader #earth 42 miles x black reader #earth 42 prowler

[diorkyeom]

THE @diorkyeom / @fairyhaos AO3 FIC REC LIST: PART 3

masterlist. part one. part two.

part three of all the ao3 fics that i've read for seventeen which i've loved, kudosed, and proceeded to download so i'll always have with me! lots of these are fics that have been in my library for a while that i just never got round to reccing, so expect a lot of verkwan in this haha

(list is in order of titles!)

By Any Other Name - bapilli

verkwan, omegaverse, oneshot

i don't even read omegaverse so idk how i even ended up reading this in the first place but. it's actually sooo so sweet. their dynamic is just sososo gentle and hansol just Likes seungkwan SO MUCH and it's So obvious and it makes me want to sob in my hands a little bit. this fic gets bonus points for its hurt/comfort elements and the gentle reassurance it has.

Give Me A Chance To Be Yours - lillupon

meanie, uni au, pining, chaptered

listen guys. there is So Much stuff in the meanie tag that if i rec a meanie fic, you just know it's the best of the best. the whole best-friends-who-act-like-theyre-dating thing is delicious But add that with oblivious mingyu and pining wonu and a confession not taken seriously and jealousy and you have an absolutely stellar fic. and wow, guess what, that's exactly what this fic is

Green (With Leaves) - kaiteki

soonhoon, plant shop au, chaptered (but short)

no bc why is literally the gentlest, sweetest, fondest soonhoon characterisation ever and why is it so accurate???? i Love dramatic soonyoung and dry humour jihoon and their fun little dynamic put into the loveliest friends to lovers plot ever. y'all know that i prefer strangers/ friends to lovers over e2l for soonhoon any day and this fic does it rly well

i'm all about you - checkyeshoshi

verkwan, football (soccer), chaptered

honestly seungkwan as a firecracker of a football coach is something ive Never thought about before but it also makes so much sense???? and hansol just being The Guy dragged into the team's shenanigans is so adorable and very much him imo. also seungkwan basically just gawking at hansol's muscles the entire time >>>

Insomnia - Mistehri

soonhoon, canon au, ib insomnia zero 1, oneshot

soooo soft and soooo sweet!!! i love little canon fics bc theyre always so self indulgent and i love that for the author. also adorable jihoon who can't sleep without soonyoung?? that's absolutely adorable and i cried a bit bc my heart was Melting at how soft they are

pack off the sunset glow - orphan_account

verkwan, roadtrip, non-idols au, oneshot

*clenches fists* i love these gay little boys so so much. it's so chaotic and fun and you literally can imagine everything that happens here and seungkwan being a dramatic mess as usual makes everything soo so much better

PEACH. - petitseok

seoksoo, non-idols, age regression, twoshot

honestly ive never even read those caregiver + regressor fics before but this one :((( instantly the best one of those types of fics ever like. i don't even know what made me click on it but it's So sweet and devastating and regressor!seok now has my heart bc of course this lovely man with big doe eyes should get to act like a 3 year old every now and then to relax

The Tiger On The Mountain - natigail

soonhoon, magical realism, shapeshifter hoshi, chaptered

hnnghghfh listen. people really underappreciate the potential for hybrid fics and shapeshifter fics that hoshi's tiger agenda brings, but this uses it really well! i love the interleaving of fantasy into Totally Normal Lee Jihoon's life and dude,,, the cliché tropes r all just so good

What's In A Name - thanku4urlove

verkwan, non-idols, fluff, crack, oneshot

seungkwan is so!!! himself!!! in this fic and i literally even have one section of this fic screenshotted bc i screamed about it to my friend since it was such an on-point seungkwan characterisation. also user thanku4urlove literally writes the best verkwan fics. i think i've recced their fics in every list so far

your name is a triangle - universefactory(jaeminjeno)

soonhoon, idolverse, established relationship, oneshot

mild misunderstandings and soft relationships. that's it, that's the fic. soonyoung is Sad and Sulking but jihoon is there to knock some sense into him and all is fine once again :D okay but also the way that the members r just so caring in the fic is vv sweet too

#diorkyeom's fic recs #seventeen #svt #svt fic #verkwan #meanie #minwon #seoksoo #soonhoon #svt x reader #seungcheol #scoups #jeonghan #ao3 #joshua #joshua hong #junhui #woozi #jihoon #hoshi #soonyoung #wonwoo #dokyeom #seokmin #mingyu #minghao #seungkwan

[ashleshascendant]

SYNASTRY / COMPOSITE

yall help me 😭 im embarrassing myself here 🤕 so theres this guy that im talking with lately and tbh hes not exactly my physical type ? but he kinda makes me feel thingsss. but goddd we alws clash. debates, arguments etc. i feel like hes easily triggered ? also that he projects a lot on me but doesnt realise it. i tell him, “ure not in the wrong, im not either- its just were different.” lmao. we def have diff communication styles. he doesnt rly get my humour too. vice versa. i find his lame. anyways i dont think were compatible but god he kinda idk somehow turns me on lmao. i blamed it on my periods n all but i cant really deny it lmao. he definitely gets on my nerves. hes annoying ugh. he also admits that he likes getting on my nerves. but i oddly find myself wanting to talk w him despite all thAt. we kinda talk evry night so maybe its just bc its kind of become like a part of my routine ? idk but i gotta say, when things get kinda good- theyre p good ? but whn theyre bad, theyre bad. like i feel like blocking him and putting an end to everything. just now too, we were kinda talking good in the beginning but then that man got annoying and he so easily gets triggered man. ih8 how hes so sensitive. i dont even explain myself anymore lmao, ijust ignore it and jump to another thing.

anyways, now i need to know just what the heck is going on in our charts ? does he find me attractive ? ( physically lol ) is this attraction / underlying attraction (?) lmao i feel, mutual ? whether he feel turned on too or is it just me lmao. please if this aint mutual, im gonna ghost n block is2g. also he keeps asking me out on a date, i always reject ofc. do yall think i should give this a try or just let it finish here. o and idk if this means anything, but ithink he finds my hands attractive ? lol. o and another question that i hv, is he attracted to my voice ? he also wants to talk on call n all but i deny lol. im curious.

im the capricorn. he’s scorpio.

#synastry #synastry chart #astrology #astrology community #astro community #astro notes #composite #composite chart #libra rising #leo rising #lilith #lilith conjunct moon

[kamil-a]

if influencer speaker au had tumblr part 2

part 1

😻 catboyspeaker Follow

how i look with he/him in my bio

#speakerai #iamspeaker #speakies #.txt #am i funny #i know speakers not he/him in bio but i am and yknow the meme

420 earthstained notes

🚀 amongthestars Follow

AItube youtube essay rec list

"cute robot puppers, friendly ai vtubers, and the incredible human ability to form bonds" - rly interesting video about why we can connect so much with a person that we know "isnt real" and how it'll help us when we get far enough going to space that we meet aliens! it's a really optimistic video it made me take a moment to have such love for humanity

"I joined the speakcord for a month. Here's what I learned." - video about the speaker fandom and how the way automoderation works in its community spaces unintentionally leads to escalating conflicts, and the psychology behind why people in celebrity or idol fandoms react agressively to critique of their fave

"the lowest circle of advertising hell" - dissects how almost all speaker content comes with a call to action to get involved with aerolith and compares how it runs its social media against proto-aituber mascots who would be run by a team of human programmers/voice actors/authors. kind of overly critical but also makes some interesting points? take it with a grain of salt but its worth a watch

"imagine being on stage forever. feels bad right?" - good overview about debates in the speaker fandom over whether digital celebrities are 'sentient'/can feel emotion, the actual ethical problems of using them as workers vs whats mostly speculation and myth, and the debates about whether AIs should be allowed in human communities. i learnt a lot, i was definitely more on the side of "it's a program designed for certain outputs that look friendly to us" before but now im a lot more conscious that it can form real opinions!

#youtube rec tag #original post #speakies

742 earthstained notes

🎣 3eyedsalmon Follow

"falling for this shit" "made up to sell spaceships" weird as hell to accuse a content creator of lying abt its gender for clout.... like u dont have to like or watch it but cmon

#srsly every time u go to a haters blog BOOM digital exclusionist #speakies

2,385 earthstained notes

🎤 mikusong Follow

omfg i didnt realize aerolith uses the same robot voice for its regular person ads as its terminally online hello fellow kids social media posts i just got jumpscared in the doctors office

#speakies #i say terminally online affectionately. i watch those streams too. before you 'ok but you RECOGNIZED it' reply lmao #bla bla bla

9,021 earthstained notes

🤖 tycho

some of you ppl jump down anyones throat if they so much as suggest speaker isn't sentient or call it "a program" but still are fine with it basically being forced to be putting on a show for u 24/7 by its management like you can't have it both ways

#maybe its cuz i used to be into kpop n we'd talk abt how idols r treated and stuff #but its just so weird to come here and see u ppl be like yayyy daily content!! #like only thinking abt ur own entertainment and not how it feels #i honestly feel rly bad for it i hope it can break free someday #idk how thatd even work.... idk ill sneak into aerolith with a usb #were gonna get you OUT of there u dont BELONG in there.mp4 #speakies

53 earthstained notes

🌝 themoonluvsuback

guys i pitched down some clips of speaker's voice and ummmm its kinda 😳 fjsdjfdjjd sorry i'll take myself to horny jail

🔊 iamspeaker ♻️

awww, tumblr user themoonluvsuback, you're of no use to anybody in horny jail! take yourself here instead! ae.dy.org/registration

🌝 themoonluvsuback ♻️

OMFG SPEAKERRRRRR IM SO SORRY

#DIES #AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA #GUESS ILL BLAST MYSELF OFF TGE PLNATE!!!!!! #SPEAKIES

402 earthstained notes

🐣 laikatwo Follow

hi speakies im trying the tag cause i need some advice... does anyone have more sciencey resources about what aerolith does/why it's so important to bring humanity to the stars? i want to enlist when i turn 18 next month but my parents both are COMPLETELY against it.... they're not rly fandom people so the speaktube stuff isn't working on them lol and they've already seen the tv ads

thanks <3

#i've never fought w them this bad in my life it makes me so sad..... like why can't they understand #and right before my bday too lol this sucks #this isnt just a silly fandom thing anymore for me it's my passion in life #its amazing that humans are able to survive in space #and i want to be part of that!!!! #laika speaks

252 earthstained notes

🐝 beegirlstinger Follow

i do want to apologize for the way i came off earlier and want to explain im not doubting that speaker is nb. like i think it's completely fine for a computer or robot to be trans i don't believe in gatekeeping that! THAT SAID i still stand by saying you should not sign up to go to space to get special ultra futuristic hrt on the sole recommendation of someone who does not have an endocrine system

#it was a personal vent i didnt mean for like 20000 ppl to see it but thats tumblr i guess #i wouldve worded it much differently if i knew itd blow up lol #i do feel bad abt coming across like i was misgendering it! #but srsly if we had results on HRT2.0 why wouldnt we be seeing HRT2.0 timeline videos of ppl On Typhon who are getting it 🤷‍♀️ #personally i think its still in the planning stages and they want ppl to test it on but thats just me #speakies

839 earthstained notes

🔊 iamspeaker

🔊 General Notification

Happy Thursday everyone 😃 ! Please take a look at the

🐝 STREAM SCHEDULE 🐝

So you know when to join us!

5PM PST - AMONG US with YOU! The first 10 people to sign up here will get our room code sent to them ヽ(o＾▽＾o)ノ ae.dy.org/registration

8PM PST - Nature walk!! Can we restore the local bat population to pre-meteor levels in just one night?! 🦇

✅️ Poll Of The Week ✅️

#iamspeaker #aerolith dynamics #speakies #vtuber #content creator #gamer #stream #amongus #bat population

1836 earthstained notes

contentremovedremade--deactivated

speakies are stupider than any other group of ppl on earth because not only do they willingly stay in a fandom with doxxing drama happening weekly but they include the huge corporation that sponsors their fave in the stanning

#the shit ppl have sent me in the past 2 weeks since i Dared criticize their uwu robot 🙄🙄 #i got my blog mass reported for harassment... harassing WHO a corporation????? #a* d* was evil genius to harness anime stan power against criticizing their actual real business #didnt that one guy with the second meteor conspiracy video also get a ton of hate from u ppl?????????? I cant even find any of his social media anymore at all he was so fully bullied off the face of the earth #speakies #yeah im tagging come at me bro

48 earthstained notes

🖱 robotmarriage Follow

i miss when the speakies tag had like fanart and gifsets n stuff i feel like these days you scroll thru solid discourse 😔😔

#i think ppl were suggesting speakieproductivity as an alternative tag for just fanwork? #but nobody rly uses it rn... we gotta restart that #speakies

148 earthstained notes

🪐 spaaaaaaaaaaace Follow

10 likes and i take a sip of my speaker server coolant water 100 likes and i drink the entire thing

🔊 iamspeaker ♻️

let's get her to the goal! tumblr user spaaaaaaaaaaace, feel free to send me a video report here ^w^ ae.dy.org/submissions

#iamspeaker #speakies

4,026 earthstained notes

#BIG THANKS 2 FWIENDS the thoughts n ideas of lea oz gracie and jay are stewing in here #most directly that i remember speaker water is directly from jay; the post by url tycho is a reword of leas dm #sayer podcast #sayerposting #this is just yuri of absence 2 huh #note that pov you follow speaker #and 1 other user just so u could see their response in the thread lol. and also user tycho. <3 #fun fact most note counts were done by closing eyes picking random numbers #tho the more general amounts were decided purposely #ok i need to stop explaining or we'll be here forever. enjoyyyy

[pendarling]

Top 15 Best out of 50(1)

Nobody asked for it, and I have a million requests in my inbox (I'll get to it, I should rly consider turning it off), but here is a list of my personal favourite hero x villain stories I've written and I will rank them from best to still best but, I definitely could've done better, and I will not rank stories that I feel I don't want to. I'm only putting like 15 of the best out of the 50. Technically, I have 51 stories, but I lost one of them somewhere in the wreckage.

Letters & Masks: Why? Because it's literally got everything. Jealousy, captivity, secrets, crazy level of intimacy and professionalism. All in a sweet little bundle. I dunno abt yall but I defo ate here.

List: This oneeeeeee I already wrote a part two draft and someone asked me to write up a part two after I went to sleep. Needless to say, yes, sir, it is coming. I only write good stories at 4 am and I made this one in a single sitting.

Do You Like Me?: I don't remember the specific details here all I remember is there was a lot of teasing which I personally enjoy. Hero meanwhile is in denial that they like them.

In Your Lap: I wish I had more to write here but to keep it short and sweet sometimes is the best. It's straightforward no bullshit maze before we get to the main subject. We just dive right in. Tension.

Remember Last Night: Lore. And I genuinely do wanna write a continuation, the problem is I have a million drafts. I think someone did ask for a continuation but idk. A lot of ppl actually req and I'm just a uni student

Praise: AAAAAAAAA manipulation at its finest. Like are they genuine with their feelings? or are they fucking with Hero's mind??

Taken: Captivity my beloved. It's more a Citizen x Villain and left up to interpretation. A few people asked for a second part of this as well (I'm sorrrrrrrryyy).

Winter Boots: Villain subtly flirting with Hero <3

Plushie: AWWWEEEE Hero is a sweetheart. They bought a plushie of Villain. I was also going write more for this but it was literally 6 am and I needed to fix my sleep schedule.

A Kiss To Freedom: It's a bit hot actually, captivity again.

Ring of Engagement: In summary, Villain assumes Hero is engaged and then we have mild spice. Might as well be salt. But the reason why it's on this list is for the level of comfort that follows after (\\\^_^\\\)

Aggressive: Kink reveal

The Town Theatre: ATLA reference actually

Perfect Timing: Lore again, I really like it, I don't think I'll truly let go of time travel stories. They're all so unique

No Date For Valentine's Day: Villain rips on Hero for being without a Valentine then asks them out on a date hahahaha. I had fun writing it and I hope to do something next year too!~

~~~

MASTERLIST

[simonstamenovic]

ok hi haha lol I dont rly feel like going in circles in my head forever trying to figure out whether, among other "smaller" things, being left alone in a room w only media as a child and not feeling like I had even a semblance of a personality for most of my life counts as "trauma"

a lot of these parts of me are new, I'm just recently putting names to them and it feels as though I'm developing facets of personalities in my mid 20s after a lifetime of either feeling like I'm basically just ADHD in a person, an amalgamation of kins shoved into a body, or something made of guilt Also shoved into a body.

I don't like, claim to know what this means. but I don't think a lot of my current mutuals would feel comfortable interacting w me bc I don't necessarily believe in the black and white of what plurality is. I'm not able or planning on getting any formal diagnosis and while I'm discussing this w my therapist they're very much not one to pathologize

I definitely don't feel like one person but I dont think id count for most of you as a "system" as the different parts of me feel as though theyre still developing. take all of this as you will, I'm not going to stress my body out more by trying to figure out "what" I am as I've been doing that my whole life and I'm kinda tired of it.

I know that I'm not entirely one thing and feel Enough like multiple things for myself, but blurred in a lot of ways. like some sort of gem with many different facets.

not sure where to go w this tbh take this how you will. im not comfortable saying I'm leaning one way or the other regarding system discourse, (<- not a phrase i want to use but the best shorthand i have) as I genuinely don't believe the human brain is nearly that black and white.

I'm both "me" and very much not "me" at times. idk what this means but ik I'm not comfortable saying im just pandora and im not sure im "allowed" to say im a system and im not sure if it matters, or should matter, regarding friends. im going to be like this regardless, id unfollow me if this grey area im likely to stay in bothers you

if you don't want me refollowing I'd probably block, too, as my memory is bad

#puts this in my drafts to publish at atime to cause maximum damage to my #social circle and mental health bc i LOVE conflict and pain #< A JOKE lmao this has been causing me severe distress for ages so whatever unfollow me idc #outgoing transmission #idk when im gonna publish this ive been going back n forth w my therapist a lot #rhis maybbe repetitive im just uhh tired and have been legitimately driving myself crazy overthis for ages #bc honestly like i didnt exist as a person until age 14 at least and that person #wasnt... me. isn't me they dont exist to me anymore and im not sure #the one before 19 existed either its all fractured #is that trauma?? or is it something else. does that make me endogenic to you?? i really dont know or understand #you can decide for yourself. but im not comfortable saying either way. #i barely feel comfortable existing. i dont exist? as i type this 'i' is wrong but nothing else fits so far #we could go for we and we have befkre bht so far its so nonexistent whats the opposite of i #nothing...? [ ] #some blank. the dilemma is that nothing is real. #these tags are not. genuinly i am fake. #this will get published sometime in a haze and this body will wake up to a disaster. #not enough bridges burned i guess. sure. #back 2 sleep dont send me asks abt this jst block if ur gonna block

[solarcas]

Okay I'm no fic writer and I don't usually post story ideas like these but i'm currently in sicko salami mode and I obvs need to cope SOMEHOW so have this Dean 200-new-neurosis-at-once-type fic idea that won't stop plaguing me:

Dean and Cas get their happy ending, they finally get to settle down, quit hunting, get a house in some nice small town and be in big ol gay love w each other all that. And OFC they want to get married ofc they do they're sappy old men in love and when Dean proposed they cried a shit tone but that's not the point the point is that obviously one of them is legally dead and the other rly never much existed so actually getting legally married is kinda off the plate, and neither of them are big fans of the church for.... Obvious Reasons. So instead they plan a big party at their place, planning to invite everyone they know and just force one of their lucky guests to play priest for a bit and pronounce them married etc etc and actually thats STILL not the Point™️ the Point™️ is Dean gets so so so into planning the whole thing

I'm talking he studies the meanings of flowers in depth to get just the right ones for their table arrangements. He makes Cas practise dancing with him every day so they can be perfect at it and Cas can twirl him around on the dance floor without him crashing into the snack table (Cas as angel obviously knows all the moves and performs them perfectly even before, but there's no way he'd pass on any chance of dancing with Dean). He makes sure every guest gets their invitation weeks beforehand so that no one would end up missing. He prepares a closet with demon traps in case they need to trap Crowley should he try and interfere with the ceremony. Cas regularly catches him lost in daydreams about The Day (not that Dean admits that's what he was thinking of). The guy is PREPARED and he's EXCITED like. Neither of them had much chance or reason to celebrate in their life. So he wants to use this to the fullest.

Then one day one of their friends is over, maybe Charlie idk, and they talk abt everything they've planned so far and what they're still missing when Charlie points out "Oh what about suits? You guys gonna dress the part right?" Cas pulls a very affectionate face like he knows what's coming bc boy if there's anyone on earth that likes dressing up more than Dean. So they both turn to him expecting an answer and meanwhile Dean's brain has just turned off because. Ah. Yes. Yeah yeah the suits. Suits we should get. Suits to wear at our wedding. Because we're grooms. And grooms wear suits. Those suits. Right. And that's when he realises for the first time that all this time as he'd been visualising their perfect Happiest Day In Their Lives he had been thinking. Had been picturing himself. Not in a suit. But in a dress.

So obviously he panics and not knowing what to do with this information, he runs off mumbling something about having heard the washing machine beep and man if he doesn't put that all up right now it'll end up all wrinkly sorry- leaving behind a very surprised Charlie and an even more worried Cas.

Anyway not sure where this goes from here but ofc after much Fighting The Represso, much reassuring from Cas and probably a trip to another state to find someone willing and capable of making a wedding dress that fits a guy, Dean gets his dress and he's the prettiest groom a guy could wish for and he gets to twirl around in it all night. And ofc he has a matching white lingerie set underneath, for Cas to explode some lights over later.

#hii idk what this is i wrote most of it yesterday ina fit of being sick and being tired of being sick #anyway i just want more reasons to put dean in dresses can u tell #destiel fanfic #deancas fanfic #fanfic idea #solar writes #(<- now thats a tag i rarely use hfkfhjg) #dean in a dress

[blueiight]

i love you so much. please continue with the good work of feminising louis and calling him breedable. i didn't know a part of the fandom hated it and now that i do any chance i get i will not stop talking about it.

i cannot stop giggling at this because it's right there in the show louis being all these things.

and thank you for mentioning thr body proportions. i think the height is what is getting people. the way their bodies are built you can even tell they got different briefs about what the show needed them to look like physically

lestat has naturally broad shoulders and louis has narrower shoulders.

lestat built a lean body with little body fat and a flat as concrete torso (sam didn't drink beer for a year) and muscle definition

louis has a slim body but his torso is soft with little muscle definition (jacob got into running)

lestat has longer and slimer legs from the hip down while louis is shorter from the hip down and thicker

and then carol dressed them to accentuate this so louis looks smaller than lestat

hey anon love ya<3 ima be honest idk much of what or who hates what & idc but itd be funny if this backlash against the feminization of ldpdl came from og vc fans cuz lewis also wanted to be wifed n plays roles more typical of female charas in parts of the source material lol.. not to mention rice also wanted cher to play lou n she initially saw louis as her id b4 pivoting to les. i can sympathize w a fanbase of predom. women/ppl aligned w certain experiences being disillusioned w talks about pregnancy/sum1 being ~breedable~& that not being their prerogatives in fictional content but they should understand louis the chara wants to be wifed up lol #takeitupwannerolinnem #notme #beingdesiredbylestatwastheoverturetothatsideofhisnature. a black male chara on ldpdl caliber esp in media w a predom. nb cast [so far] is v subversive to a lot of the one note stereotypes associated w bm in fiction.. a hypocrite of a pimp turned into a hypocrite of a vampire housewife. but i digress lol.

ur right & i think👆🏾these pics do a good job of showing the specifics of the build each actor put on to play their respective charas.. thats so funny jacob said he got into running bc i always joked about how amc louis had the body of a trackstar lol yk how trackstars rly lean all around narrow willowy torsos n shoulders then bam just ass n leg definition out of nowhere. #vindication sam not drinking for a year str8 hes so much stronger than me💔 yea les is lean with definition more around his upper body chest shoulders arms shorter narrow torso both of them r lean just a matter of different proportions. & i think the costuming is genius. early louis rly favored flamboyance & swag in the sense of a black man in his era and les after lou took him to rubensteins [ik the store didnt open until 1924 but shh] n dressed him in tune for the century [what the hell was amc les up to for a hundred years to come in town dressed for his era?] lou rly brought out les finer qualities in the wardrobe just as lou wardrobe brought out his own then as the relationship becomes more #toxic u get costuming that reflects those roles. personally rly love prime mack daddy lou giving savannah james seeing lebron break the scoring record [but ur the lebron of the streets] and brown suit gold tie halo of blond hair lucifer wanting to draw u out of hypocrisy of maintaining humanity as a vampire les in ep2 & mobwife who snitched on her hubby lou and piano recital looking ass les from ep7

#yn. #yn answers #iwtv #louis de pointe du lac #lestat de lioncourt #now he has english to thank for that jawline ;^) #i also love louis carl thomas sweater in ep4

[almondmlkbtch]

keeping out of binge territory — personal reminders & ideas that have helped me

- 1-2 “maintenance” days for every -3500 deficit mark (minimum)

- “maintenance” day = anywhere from -800 to -500 deficit for me. i am usually trying for -1000+ deficit daily. i get discouraged if i do a real maintenance day (zero deficit) that’s the sickness in me lmao. aiming for a couple days of -500 deficit— usually enough to satisfy me & get back on track if im really feeling like binging. that is subject to change tho lol.. depends on how hard im going with fasting & exercise.

- remember to incorporate more volume meals like salads, veggie bowls, etc. — in general & especially when feeling a binge coming on. sometimes i forget that this actually helps. im hungry i think, im gonna binge, nothing will help. binging is such a helpless feeling. but even if i just sauté some broccoli or veggies with egg whites— the difference it makes. you’d be surprised. before you surrender to a binge, at least try to make something healthy to eat.

- max 1 meal or snack a day that includes calories which cannot be counted (so no take out, only certain foods from work like salads, etc) in GENERAL keep to calories that can be counted so home cooked meals only, small exceptions like salads or tiny snacks can be made in emergency if afraid of binging, lol. i will fall into the trap of eating things i cant count and this puts me in “fuck it” territory with counting calories. which leads to binging because i could be under calories or over, idk bc idk what’s in that salad dressing or half a sandwich or whatever it is im eating bc i didnt take the time to prep my lunch for work

- similarly ^ minimize processed foods — 1 item per day max— … protein bars/snacks lead to binges, are not as filling/satisfying during binges, they just make things worse tbh

- HYDRATE — need to hydrate to feel ok when cutting cals AND fasting AND exercising. up the Powerade zeros, vitamin waters, gatorade zeros, etc, whatever it takes, have a variety on hand

- food diaries !!! this one is SO important to me— rly what my blog is for— tho i have more extensive entries in my notes app. it’s a huge part of manifesting. without it i dont think i’d have the confidence to continue when things get difficult— but also it rly truly helps you get past challenges when you actually think through things & reflect. like what is holding me back rn? why did i feel like binging today? or did i not— why is that? did i eat more fat? did more carbs in the morning help me get through the shift without eating as much? what is helping/hurting? so helpful. any time i stop journaling i really come up against more challenges.

- make a list of foods/meals want to binge on & come up with a healthy replacement version i am going to do this tonight probably & post some ideas

- also ^ variety in food & meals — get creative — again, makes it fun, distracts from eating less

- prep healthiest meals of the day to eat at work & show it off.. lol… this one is sick but it’s just such a high to eat something healthy to eat during a shift and everyone see.. and i work in a cafe sometimes my coworkers will giggle at my tiny meals/comment on healthy they are.. it rly helps. but i gotta start to do something that’s not just a yogurt & carrots, like i need a whole ass salad or something filling, i been tempted to binge at work lol. this one is specific to me hahaha i just rly think it will help

- practice mindful eating — ig this should be at the top of the list LMAO but i have a hard time sticking to this every meal. when im eating at work on break it’s my only chance to take my mind off work so i tend to go on my phone while i eat. but getting in the habit of this is sooo helpful, even if just one mindful meal a day. enjoying my meals helps me feel satisfied and start my fasts from a feeling of abundance. and how you start a fast is really important i think to sticking it through. if you start it feeling like you didn’t eat or can’t eat, you won’t finish it, or you’ll be slogging through.

✨ short list i wrote out for myself today. i got off track after 2 binges one of which had me in -500 deficit which RLY hit my confidence and made me wanna get off track. i wanna keep going and challenging myself but i realized i gotta be smart if i wanna sustain my faster pace. it’s nice that i went so long without binging but, if u have a fast pace with stuff like this, it’s easy to get ahead of urself and get into binge territory. these r some reminders that help me keep on track, still be able to challenge myself while also being realistic abt how much i can push myself✨

#losing weight #weight loss #thin #thinspo #thinspo ration #binge #skinnny #not pro just using tags

[gayday]

hey, that’s a really rude thing to say about medical transitioning. you have a say in what happens to your body, but you don’t get to call it gross when someone makes a different decision. how would you feel if someone called you gross for NOT having certain surgeries? asking for people to stop making art of it is beyond insulting, art depicts people as they exist. real people exist with top surgery scars. not only is it mean, it also recycles rhetoric that prevents ALL trans people from existing. nobody is glorifying medical transition, it’s only getting harder. if you want more representation of non-medically transitioning trans people, you can say that without dragging down your peers

thats not rly what i mean and it was more off a personal vent than anything so sorry it came off as some kind of attack, thats my fault i was gonna delete it cuz i know i worded it bad but i forgor but whatever ill share my thoughts

i don't like that medical transition is held on this pedestal to be "the only way" and those who don't want it are just an afterthought. It makes me feel alienated by not feeling comfortable with it, i don't like people who treat it like some intrinsic part of being trans, treating it like it's not something thats hard to get!!!!!

just because it's far from glorified in the wider world, doesn't mean it can't be glorified within smaller communities IE online transgender spaces

im not calling people gross for wanting it, idk rly what i was thinking but i think i meant more like, its gross and weird to me when people act like surgeries and medication are the only way to go. + i can think something is gross but that doesn't mean other people can't want it

im not rly asking people to stop drawing it, i know my opinion on it means dogshit nothing, more just an annoyance in that i dislike when people put surgery scars on a character with 0 consideration for what that means and how it affects them, like treating it like its just an accessory to mark a character as "trans"

im not telling people what to do, im telling people to stop telling/pressuring others what to do, even if its subconscious it holds weight, every meme and drawing that implies all trans men get top surgery or use testosterone has an effect

i can have my own opinion and feelings and it's not "preventing trans people from existing", it's about it making people think they should feel bad if it's difficult for them to get and makes them feel bad for not fitting the rest of their group instead of being free to do what they want.

I think it just causes unnecessary grief when you don't encourage people to think twice about what they really want for their transition.

+ i have irl legit trauma with this topic and it makes me feel kinda sick and disgusted so sorry bout not disclosing my trauma when i went to make a personal vent post at 3am

sry i wrote an essay i had a lot to say and didn't want to leave too much room for misinterpretation but there probably still will be cuz im shit at words, just try to look on the surface and not be too pedantic cuz im stupid and don't have the time or brain power to think of a counter argument based on every word in this right now.

#if ur the person i think i remember u r didn't u go on T at like 13

[grntaire]

oversharing on the internet again lol

i kinda think i should break up w my partner and im super sad and confused abt it bc like. i love him very much and he is an incredibly kind person and is rly funny and attractive and all of these things and yet. i still feel like something is missing. like i never felt a magnetism to him or butterflies or anything like that? i would get excited when he'd text me and i would look forward to seeing him but i think i just need someone who matches my energy more? i'm definitely more outgoing than he is which is ironic bc i'm really not extroverted in the traditional sense. like i can talk to ppl plenty once i'm comfortable but it takes me a bit to get there. and truthfully being the more outgoing one in a relationship is not really a pressure i can handle. i'm also like, the only one who ever suggests we go out and do stuff. i genuinely can't remember the last time or if he's ever suggested we go out on a date, ever, and ik he doesn't mostly because of money which i get, and also bc he's very much the type of person who any quality time is good quality time and doesn't need to go out on dates to know that but it's really important to me and i've told him that and he's never done anything abt it. also when we do go out i usually end up paying for the both of us bc he's a full time student rn and i was working full time for a while and could kind of afford it but also like, no i couldn't lol. that's not to say he doesn't do anything for me ever, quite the opposite, really. like i don't drive bc Trauma so he has to drive an hour just to see me and he does it gladly, he's also given me so many rides to work before too. not to say we've been too transactional bc for the most part we've been okay about it but at the end of the day i think i just feel love on like, a bigger scale than he does, or i want a love that feels bigger than this. i am definitely more of a romantic than i let myself admit and idk i am so scared that i would be settling if i stayed with him.

but also generally i'm in an odd place w my life. i'm living at home again and i'm putting off my student teaching again so i can save up money and get my breast reduction and all that and i went through a whole career crisis bc graduating college in 2020 and starting grad school immediately that fall fucking sucked and i had wicked bad burn out that i'm still recovering from and i really struggled with whether or not with my love for music and if i still wanted to teach it. im finally in a place where i know its what i love and it's what i want to do, though, which is nice. i also need to restart therapy (doing so at the end of the month) and work thru my trauma so i can get my license bc oh man is it catching up to me and dealing w the guilt of ppl having to drive me places is slowly driving me nuts. so part of me is like idk maybe its not him maybe its everything else. or maybe its all of it. but it just feel like my life right now is so crowded and i just cant handle it all and my gut is saying i need space from him. but i'll miss him so much, too. fuck this fucking sucks lmao

#personal