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c1oud999 · 5 months

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i just wanted to come on here and talk about my experience with spirituality. warning: longggg post ahead.

basically ive been in the spiritual community for YEARS now. ive had existential crisis since the age of 11 and ive gone through many phases of many different spiritual trends. from law of attraction, to witchcraft, to religious devotion, to law of assumption and now finally non dualism. i read books, meditated for hours and hours, talked to spiritual ppl from all walks of life and watched all the episodes of ganga upanishad (a show i still highly recommend, you can watch on youtube). all this childhood trauma and mental illness made me crave for sweet relief. but nothing really made sense until law of assumption. i thought that that would be it yk. i thought i was done searching but i think that was when i was searching for things the most. i do know i have it in my 4d, when will i see it? i thought i would get all my desires but did not meet success. and then the non dualism trend began and i hopped onto it like pretty much everyone else. i was bewildered at the stuff teachers kept saying. what do you mean everything's an illusion? there's no way that's true. my very real surroundings are causing me VERY real pain and suffering. oh no no there must be a deeper meaning behind all this. and so i read all the books in 4dbarbies drive, but nothing clicked. yes it made sense intellectually, but i didnt want to believe it bc where is the materialisation satisfaction here? also i felt none of the euphoria that was supposed to come with self realisation. which means i must not be a realised being. and then i cried and cried and cried, isolated myself, literally stopped going to school and just lay in bed all day. but ofc, i continued to read the tumblr posts like i had been doing for the past several years. and yesterday i read 4dkelly's post about giving up. it made sense. by the time i had finished reading the post i had truly given up on everything. on wanting, hoping, fearing, striving etc etc. i was SO tired. so i gave up. fell asleep. i woke up really late as usual and missed the school bus. i ate breakfast in silence, switched the tv on and lied down on the couch like always. and like always out of compulsion and force of habit i reached for my phone and looked up non dualism on twitter. and then i came across a tweet that said a simple sentence only- "nothing is ever actually happening." woah. that kinda drove me to the edge of the cliff i desperately wanted to jump off. i turned on some dnb background music and turned the shower on. i stood under the boiling hot water like some dramatic bitch and started piecing together the "puzzle". it all made so much sense now. i got out of the shower and left the house for the first time in months with a cute outfit and makeup on and everything. i went to the mall, bought candles, stickers, eye masks, coffee, and a doughnut with absolutely no social anxiety at all. i sat by window, read some poetry on my e-reader, cried, peered down at the floor below me and cried some more at the sight of little kids sitting on santa's lap and taking pictures and marveled at all the christmas decorations around me. it was insane. i decided i was going to be neutral towards everything but im in love. maddeningly so. in love with this dream that i thought did not love me back. but love is all there is. I AM ALL THERE IS. and i need you to take this literally. there is nothing happening. there is nothing here except you. nothing to fear, nothing to desire. ik a lot of people are going to dismiss this post because it's not a "materialisation success story" but i honestly dont think i can ever want anything physically bc in all its true essence, what is there to materialise? i am already whole and complete. i am lying on this cold hard floor, but i have never felt warmer. also ik there may be a lot of things ive written you might not agree with but again, this is NOT REAL. I AM. i hope this post helps you.

thank you to all the blogs ive come across and all the pointers they have shared: @se1f @realisophie @itgomyway @4dkellysworld @4dbarbie-backup @infiniteko @iamthat-iam and many more i cannot thank enough.

lots and lots of love (more than you can ever imagine), and good luck.

#nondualism #consciousness #advaita vedanta #awareness #advaita #non duality #law of assumption #manifestation #manifesting #neville goddard

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kanonavi · 3 months

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hello tumblr user kanonavi who is 1/3rd of the reason i started rereading tgcf. i have come to collect my personal apology for the emotional damages inflicted upon me for the past 5 days. and i have also come with THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS (mostly feelings)

- icb i put off this reread so long hualian are so romance. theyre jsut Romance......... absolutely floored by every throwaway bit of dialogue they had....... in shambles forever....,

- sqx arc was not as painful as the first few times i read it bc i now stand with my cancelled wife (he xuan) I STILL LOVE SQX AND THEY DESERVE EVERYTHING GOOD. BUT HX WAS REAL FOR ALL OF THAT. i love revenge

- i wanna know your thoughts on ling wen bc u mentioned having mixed feelings on her but i loved her so bad all the way to the end so im curious ljdkdjf

- i am not immune to backstory arc pt2. read it last last (?) night at like 3am and cried myself to sleep its just so gutting every timeeeeeee.... the hc plot that builds in that arc is ofc one of my favorites in the entire novel though :')

- the chapter w the cave of statues took me like 2+ hours to get through because i was feeling so insane abt it

i feel bad dropping this block of text in ur askbox sorry. will leave it there for now LOL

Omg hiiiii tumblr user stardust-make-a-wish welcome back from the yaoi cocaine pit :3 I know you're here to collect emotional damages, but I must make it known that I'm not even remotely sorry <3

Also you should feel bad for yourself instead of for me because I can only respond to huge blocks of text with even bigger blocks of text, so (TGCF Spoilers Ahead) and also I am so sorry lmaooooo

UGH you're so right that hualian is the most romance forever they are just so *clenches fists and sobs*....... They're always there for each other and they're so in love and they've been through so much and I just want them to be able to rest because it's what they deserve.

I will never once say that Hu Xuan wasn't justified in everything he did cuz like. Shi Wudu had it coming what a piece of shit. But at the same time Qingxuan is my wife and I will not tolerate my wife being harmed. So like revenge slay yes but also I am still cancelling He Xuan and spraying him with the water bottle (even though he is already very very damp).

Yesyesyes Ling Wen. So my thought about Ling Wen is that she kinda girlbossed a little too close to the sun, but at the same time you look at her circumstances both past and present and have to understand why she did all of that. It already would have been hard enough for her to gain any kind of recognition as a woman, much less in the Heavenly Court, so her ruthlessness is completely understandable. But at the same time, I don't really think the Brocade Immortal deserved what she did to him nor was taking Bai Wuxiang's side in the final conflict a real cool thing of her to do. I can't fully be a hater though because her own thoughts about everything are clearly so nuanced (See: The final convo she had with Xie Lian about the Brocade Immortal, which I am still thinking so incredibly hard about to this day).

I think that Ling Wen is interesting in the same way that I find other characters like Mu Qing, He Xuan, and Yin Yu interesting. It's in the sense that even if I don't really agree with all of the actions that they took, it's very easy to look at them and come to an understanding of why they did what they did. And I have varying degrees of like for all of the characters I just listed, but that doesn't change the fact that they're all Compelling. So it's almost like a begrudging respect that I feel for Ling Wen, if I were to boil it down into simple terms.

aaaaaaaaaa The Horrors(tm) :sob: Even though I could talk about Xie Lian's arc through that part of his backstory for a million years, you're so right that Hua Cheng's arc through it is also so interesting to watch. It really goes to prove that Hua Cheng is different from everyone else in Xie Lian's life up until this point, because yes there's the very obvious throughline of Hua Cheng wanting to protect Xie Lian (rather than expecting his protection), but even more importantly that feeling never changes even when Xie Lian has his mini corruption arc.

Like, Hua Cheng fell in love with the pure and virtuous Crown Prince of Xianle but not for that quality. Instead of being ashamed and looking at Xie Lian with scorn when he was like "What if I kill everyone actually" Hua Cheng is like "Then let me be your sword". There's the element of not wanting Xie Lian to dirty himself that Hua Cheng carries for the entire story but the point is in that he is not a voice who would tell Xie Lian to stop having those thoughts if it's truly what he wants (Unlike what his parents or Feng Xin and Mu Qing would probably say).

I'm going to write an essay about their character dynamic one day istg I am chewing through the drywall

The cave statues chapter......... *passes away*. Like on one hand that chapter is so funny because yes Hua Cheng is just an absolute certified freak (POV my roommate telling me earlier on in my reading that HC is a porn addict and me being like "pssht noooo" but then getting to this chapter several months later and being like "O h.") but on the other hand THE CONFESSION??????? Like. All I can do is gesture wildly at the storyboard animatic that someone made of that scene on YouTube while absolutely fucking sobbing. There is a reason why the cover of volume 6 felt somehow more intimate than the cover of volume 4 where they're literally making out.

Anyway I'm patting Hua Cheng on the head like It's okay buddy Xie Lian loves you because you're a certified freak, he's seen too much of this world to be weirded out even a little bit. Which is why those two are perfect for each other <3

I'm glad you had so much fun on your reread, have fun with the brainworms :3

#navi answers #stardust-make-a-wish #Once again I am so sorry for my ability to Talk lmao

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babyraccy · 1 month

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you cannot separate the abdl and little aspects of me from myself. without them then i am still somebody, but there will be a huge chunk missing from me. i probably make it sound super serious but that's bc it is to me. this year will be the third year anniversary of me coming out as an abdl (before you get upset at me using coming out here: you try telling your close friends who know you as just some vanilla-ish guy or in one case your literal mother that you like diapers. go ahead.)

i am so happy. i know so many amazing wonderful people in all sorts of places, even irl!!, who share the same interests i do. i love to look at art, read stories (there's some amazing abdl original fiction out there), talk with people!! i love to talk with people!!!!

being an abdl and a little literally made me come out of my shell and open up! im no better at talking than i was before but i dont feel so pressured or nervous because i know everyone around me is just as weird as i am!!! and i know it was this specifically because i feel like i still struggle in other spaces im in relating to other "weird" things about me

i feel like i was always kind of meant to be this way, too. when i remember things about being a kid relating to diapers obviously there were swaths of tv shows with regression episodes, but i would get physically nauseous with embarrassment if someone saw me watching them. i always thought they could read my mind and knew i was watching it because i really liked when characters were babies/got turned into babies/etc. and wished it would happen to me. it sounds cliche but i still get embarrassed like that because NOW i know people know

ive always been kind of obsessed with babies and baby-related things. i would sneak into my sister's room when she was a baby/toddler to play with her toys; a couple times i climbed into her crib while she wasn't in it (and a couple times i got in trouble). i loved looking at baby clothes, baby toys, etc.

diapers i think was a slow-build that suddenly exploded into real desire when i was... probably fifteen, i can't remember exactly but i think fifteen. and from fifteen to nineteen i denied being into ANY of that so hard im sure it definitely tipped some people off. i forgot it was on my f-list as a teen when i showed it to my best friend. at the time she was like loool what the fuck but um. jokes on her. i can't wait to hang out next weekend and go look at baby things and pet things (ageplay4petplay friendship ftw)

at twenty i made an agere account, and in june of 2021 i abandoned that account and joined some diaper forums, which is when my anniversary is! its actually june 3rd!!

anyways, that's about it for this mountain of a post. im gonna go lay down before bed

i love being an abdl and an ageplayer and a little and a babyfur. peace and love on planet earth and beyond

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natsmagi · 2 months

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tbh you should just sexualize your fem Tsumugi more. I'm talking full on fetish hentai style. Put her in the open boob sweater. Have her accidentally flash while leaning fowards. Have her slip and show pantsu. Full kink with no breaks. Please shut these anons up. People trying to police your creativity like it has some sort of reflection on your morals or beliefs. I also wish you would stop answering them? or at least tagging it as anon hate because it's so sad to keep seeing people be so mean to you over and over when most of us just want to enjoy your big brain takes and drawings. Maybe I'm getting parasocial bc I get so sad seeing people hate on your Tsumugi I love her she's just like me fr!!! All that matters is that you enjoy how you draw her and I hope you don't feel pressured to change your headcanons.

HWEISUHRUHKDHG I SHOULDDDDDDDDD I SHOULD UR RIGHT ive been too prudish as of late. need to be insane again. Tbh ive made some art that was made purely bc i am a freak and insane but i feel like its never the art people would expect it to be. And thats really funny to me. like my more explicit stuff is just drawn for fun But if uve ever looked at a drawing of mine and gone "this seems kind of freakish conceptually even though the execution isnt super weird" Well thats probably bc it actually is freakish. sorry. My suggestive art is usually just for the vibes tho i DID also like. yesterday?? discover a twt acc that will sometimes post various lingerie fits SO!! MAYBE ILL DRAW SOME SOON 💪💪

AND AUGHHH I KNOWWWW in the beginning i thought itd be worth replying to people bc i was like "well this is all kind of niche. im sure they have good intentions so we might aswell talk it out" But as things progress its been made clear thats doing me or anyone else no favors. i love having discussions, so i reply to most of my asks! but i do hope that ive made myself clear enough and that we can all just continue doing our own things im sorry to hear its made you sad though!!!!! rest assured its not something that demotivates me, nor is it something that makes me feel i need to change how i draw. i do what i do because i enjoy it! and i know others enjoy it too! i will never be able to appeal to everyone, and that has never been my goal. i like having fun with others though, which is why i enjoy hearing why others might think differently than me!

but yes! i already feel ive said my piece on the whole discourse thing by now and i hate walking in circles, so even if i get negative asks about it i likely wont answer unless i feel its warranted. but! if that does happen, ill be sure to tag it! you can mute "#discourse tag" ahead of time incase i ever end up using it

#btw about the lingerie thing one thing ive thought about doing is like #lingerie designs of some of their idol outfits #just bc i think that would be SO pretty #but i havent done it yet bc.............. designing lingerie seems hard KUASHDFKAHSDKJGHJK #BUT AUGHHHHHH I SHOULDDDDDDDD that would be so fun.........#and also a challenge for me #ask

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sucker4sixx · 21 days

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Raising hell

Pt7

Writers note: sorry the last chapter was so small i just wanted to make this part separate because i was wanting to write a chapter that went along with the story of “public enemy #1”. Enjoy :).

Plot: “You and me, We're gonna escape tonight . On the run, Under the moonlight. Don't think about nothin'. Dont think about nothin’.”

Warnings: none!

Nikki randomly tells the taxi driver to stop and pays him, both of you running through the streets that were completely unrecognisable, both feeling like giddy teenagers again. You ran past people who didnt even take a second look, the freedom exhilarating. “Ive not felt this alive in years!” You exclaim as you chase after him, nikki ahead of you since he has long legs.

He suddenly stops and turns right, running straight into a dark forest where he just disappears “nikki!” You laugh, running in behind him, looking for him as your vision goes black. “Nikki! Its not funny your scaring me!” Your laugh turns more nervous as the silence fills your ears. You hear a crack of a stick and jump, your laugher stopping “nikki?! Cmon, stop it!” You breathe out a breath you didnt even realise you were holding in “n-nikki?” You ask quieter, your heart beat louder than the cold dark forest.

“AA!” you scream, feeling a tall warm body pulling you into them suddenly, nikkis devilish laugh filling your ears “nikki you bastard!” You pant and cuddle in close, nikkis hand moving your head into his chest. “Oh darlin im sorry, i couldnt help it” he chuckles, kissing your forehead. He lifts you up so your being carried like a baby, leaving the forest to get back to the street, the street lights making his tall frame visible once again. You cuddle in closer, his gaze falling down to you “dont get sleepy on me now” “i cant help it.. your so warm and cuddly” he rolls his eyes and laughs. “Its been ages since ive just gotten out.. lifes been so much recently” “too much” you agree and he nods “i mean.. its a struggle, i know how quick great musicians are forgotten so i need to constantly, 24/7 try my hardest to stay relevant.. i miss when i didnt have that overbearing pressure.” You listen in close, its odd hearing someone your supposed to hate having the exact same issues as you.

“Have you ever thought of what life would be like if we werent famous?” He nods “i always said i would be in jail but.. honestly, i really dont know.. im not the smartest” you giggle and lean back to look at him “hmm.. i bet youd be a male model” nikki smirks and scans your face but sees honestly “honestly? Me? A male model?” He laughs “i mean it.. your so handsome” he leans in and pecks your lips parking onto a small bench, you still on his lap. “So what about you? Where would you be?” You think, nikki taking your hands. “I always wanted to be an artist.. like i really really did but, i lost myself to music” nikki smiles, squeezing your hands softly “i always knew you were a clever girl..” you lean down and kiss him with more passion but its still gentle as his hand slides down your back. “My pretty girl..” he mutters between kisses. You eventually pull away.

“What if we just run away?” He asks with a cheeky grin “we would always find our way back to music.. its all we know” you grin, laying onto his chest. “I dont wanna go back to the hotel, i dont wanna deal with everyone knowing” nikki chuckles, scratching your scalp “i know.. i know..” you stand up, feeling the sudden urge to make the most of this situation “cmon, try catch me.. like youd do when you were a child” you get exited. “Try chase you?”

Before he could finish the sentence your bolting down the street, nikki chasing behind you, coming in fast but you make a turn into an alleyway, catching him off gaurd. You both run crazy round the small village untill he catches you, biting your shoulder to act like an animal “ow! Nikki!” You pant and laugh, his small nibbles trailing up your neck as he pants in your ear

“We should go back” you pout “i dont wanna..” “but we gotta..” he mimics you, his large hands brushing up and down your hips “i just wanna be free longer” you sigh “maybe we can do this more often.. run away..” he dreams, catching a taxi pulling up on a street just in view. He picks you up and walks to it a sit sits idle, waiting for a hire. He sits in and says the name of the hotel, you cuddle in close and fall asleep. Even when he leaves the taxi your curled up asleep on his chest and he cant find your room key on you so just decides to take you to his to sleep.

He carefully strips you to your underwear so you can sleep more comfy and he strokes your hair, falling asleep himself.

#80s #motley crue #mötley crüe #nikki sixx #tommy lee #mick mars #spotify #vince neil #nikki sixx fanfic #nikki sixx fanfiction

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severussnaperevived · 10 months

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Snape X OC fic

Requested fic by @brittanymarieeee, @eve-sick-blog

Description: A young witch decides to have a drink at the bar when she is approached by an elderly witch trying to get her friend a date only to find he's done a runner so she is invited to dinner with her to meet him only to find if she wants anything from him she has to be bold.

Word count: 1299

Warning: NSFW, sexual content

I walked threw the cold snow covered village, it was Christmas eve so it was full of careful people, i notice a bar up ahead and think what the heck.

I entered the crowded bar and found an empty seat at the bar, “what can i get you dear?” asked the bartender, “one firewiskey please” i replied.

(Man they are going to so angry especially my father when they find out I’m gone, my grandmother might calm them down i did let her know, she is so chill she just said ok love have fun, she’s so chill its unbelievable) i was so lost in my own thoughts i didn't notice an elderly woman sit next to me, “hey my friend over there really likes you and would love to get to know you” said the woman as she points, i look in the direction she is pointed to see an empty table, “what friend?” i ask, the woman looks at the table with a mixture of shock and embarrassment on her face, “would you like to come to the great hall for dinner tomorrow at Hogwarts and I’ll introduce you to my friend then?” she asks, “sure” i reply with a smile.

The air round me was cold, (i’m inside the middle of this bloody castle why is it so cold) i think as i reach the entrance to the hall, i look around the hall until my eyes land on the elderly woman as she waves me over, i walked over and sat next to her, she was sitting at a huge table in the middle of the room, she was sitting talking to some children, “oh dear you made it” she said with a smile, “i guess i did” i replied, she got up “follow me” she said, so i got up and followed her to another table where a man with black shoulder length hair, a hooked nose and wearing complete black, (i’m going to call him batman) i thought to myself, “my dear this is Severus, Severus this is” she froze, “oh dear i forgot to ask your name” Severus smirked while shaking his head at the elderly woman's stupidity to invite me here without asking my name, Severus looked up at me with his black obsidian eyes, “my name is Destiny” i say as i sit next to Severus, i notice he tenses up maybe i sat to close for his comfort so i wriggled closer to him until we are touching each other just to make him tense more but he stiffens completely, i notice the woman who's name i forgot to ask for giggles as she walks away.

We sit in silence what feels like forever before i try and break the ice. “so you don’t date people often” i said, “indeed” he replied, (oh god his voice i could listen to that all day) “your friend sais you like me?” i asked, “i am now questioning my friend choices” he replied, “i’m questioning my life choices” i said, i notice he is still stiff, (he's probably nervous or uncomfortable with all these people around) “why don't we go somewhere more private” i whisper to him, he suddenly looks you straight in the eyes with a facial expression that looked like he was trying to process what you are saying but he cant process it but in his eyes you can see lust, i get up and motion him to follow as i walk out of the hall and into the corridor, “follow me” he says as he walks quickly past me, we walk around a few corners and down some stares i notice we are now in the dungeons, we stop outside a door and he whispers Lily, i don't think i was meant to hear it nut i have exceptional hearing, the door swing open and we walk inside a living room that has a huge bookshelf, a desk, some chairs with a couch and coffee table and a desk, (dark, creepy and cosy) “make yourself at home” he says, (i can sense he is to nervous to do anything so im going to have to do something and I’m going to have to be bold on what i want because just looking at him is making my horny as fuck.)

“When was the last time you got fucked?” i asked, he looked at me like a was growing a tail, i felt my butt to make sure, there was silence for awhile i could tell he didn't want to answer or didn't know how to, “i don't see how that is any of your business” he replies, (yup its either been so long he doesn't want to answer or he's a man whore) “well im heading to the bed and I’m going to have an orgasm with or without you” i say as i head into the room and jump onto the bed, he stands and at the doorway trying to process what is happening in his bed, i strip and begin to play with myself while keeping eye contact with him, i notice he shifts and looks uncomfortable i look down and notice his pants have become extremely tight which makes me almost climax, “i want to join: he says in a shaky voice, i stop what I’m doing and approach him as he is trying to remove his clothes i notice he does a concealment charm but decide not to ask, i notice he is struggling with all his buttons from the shaking so i help him out of his clothes.

We stand and stare at each other for a moment, he had scares on his chest, (sexy body and look at the size on that, wow that is going to hurt) i grab him and push him on the bed, i climb on top of him and look into his eyes to see fear, “its your first time, isn't it?” i ask, he tries to respond but no words come out, i lean close to him a whisper in his ear “its my first time too” he looks at he with shock but i can sense he's just that little bit more relaxed, i smash my lips to his and kiss him passionately pushing my tongue inside his mouth while i press my body against his, i begin to kiss down his neck which causes him moan, i grab him and guide him to my entrance and slowly lower myself on him, pain shoots through me but i do not show it, when he is fully inside me i stay still waiting to adjust, as the pain calms down i begin to move, i know i wont last long as he feels so good inside me and judging by his face he's trying really hard not to cum to soon, “don't be afraid to cum, im close to” i say, he opens his eyes and looks at me as i grab his hand and place it on my breast.

I feel my orgasm hit me hard my body shakes as i cum on him, moments after i hear him groan and he shoots his load into me, we are both breathing heavily as we come down from our highs, i lie down next to him and he clears his throat, “so how long are you staying?” he asks, “actually I’m starting school here in a couple of weeks” i reply, he shoots up into a sitting position, “what do you mean starting here in a couple of weeks?” he asks, “well I’m joining in for my sixth year after Christmas, Dumbledore mad an exception and let be come half way through the year,” Severus looked like he had just been shocked then he yelled “FUCK”

#severus snape #pro snape #professor snape #snape #harry potter #snape community #severus snape imagine #snape imagine #snape smut #snape x oc #snapedom

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aita-blorbos · 6 months

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(tma oc ask content warning for canon typical levels of buried fuckery)

am i the asshole for driving away my friend?

hey reddit . im posting from a throwaway bc i dont want people connecting this to my work (though i doubt youve heard of me anyways) but i think i messed up terribly and i want to know if this is something i can still fix

also sidenote sorry if my grammar or punctuation or word choice or anything of that sort are poor. i have not been sleeping well for some time

i (19m) am a video game developer. its been my passion for years now and i am currently in uni studying computer games development and programming and level design . although i have considered dropping out but thats a point for later . i post on itch io and such and sometimes i make flash games but idk if anyone reading this has played a single one

its been a bit of a hard time for me, if im being honest. i really like games and i really liked making them but i dont think im very good at programming or art or level design or any of the other things that go into the process of making a game . at least a profitable and fun one .

so i ended up coming to this computer science study group in the hopes maybe someone could teach me to be better at programming. and i met this girl. i dont know exactly how old she is, but i want to say she was maybe two or three years ahead of me in her schooling, so probably about 22. anyways lets call her E

E was studying pure computer science and wanted to do it at a high level . so of course she was pretty good at helping me with my really rudimentary programming stuff . and she was friendly and funny and we liked hanging out so we ended up being good friends . she actually complimented my games, once i got them to function, and said my pixel art was cute . my point is we were close . maybe we wouldn’t have been so close if we had anyone else, but i was still new and she was pretty lonely .

really shortly after i met her though i started having fucked up dreams. ok that’s not entirely accurate because i had been having fucked up dreams on occasion for a while . but they got worse and she showed up in them. it was all me locking her in stairwells hitting her over the head and piling earth over her body filling her mouth with mud and cement. terrible things

so i stopped sleeping. i tried not to at least. im pretty sure most uni kids pull all nighters. i know i did even when i was younger. but i wasnt studying for exams or whatever. i was just trying and trying to force myself awake and i started to lose it a bit. my grip on things. it felt like i was sleepwalking through classes and even like i was dreaming when i was awake. id nod off for a moment in a lecture and id feel dirt caked on my hands under my fingernails. and no matter how much i scrubbed and how much i knew with my eyes it wasnt there it just. refused to come off . and it felt like her blood

i don’t remember how we got on the topic but i remember she told me how she always worried a little bit about being trapped . like claustrophobia of a flavor that shows itself in locked doors and thick walls and collapsing underground stations. that made me feel even more odd about the whole thing . of course i felt awful about hurting her but that part of it was like a joke i didn’t get

and then weirdly enough i got really into nineties 3D games. they have these skyboxes that make it really obvious they’re not actually infinite . and i thought that was kind of interesting in context. like the whole world is a box you’re in so why worry so much about if the stairwell door will lock behind you

i kind of started thinking that was something i would like to replicate with my art . like if i put all my issues into one game they would be out of my brain and gone . maybe it could even be pleasant without the whole preying on my friends terror thing

so now we get to the part of the story where i fear i really really messed up . i made this game . and honestly i dont remember the development very well . sleep deprivation is a dreadful thing . i remember again and again while i was making it kind of coming to my senses not knowing where i was and finding massive parts of the game that i didnt remember making at all.

it was set in a stairwell but i dont remember buying or making the models for the door . there was a really weird kind of way the game functioned with an infinite path going up but how that functioned i couldnt tell you . and i dont remember composing the audio or where i might have downloaded it from except that i never liked to listen to it for very long . i dont know why i kept it in the game

i always showed my games to E but i really wanted her to see this one in particular. so she came by my flat and played it and then i remember she just glared at me . there was something to the look she gave me . it was like she was completely horrified and was trying to pretend she was just angry instead

she hasnt spoken to me since . and i think i fucked up . i knew it was playing at her issues and i think maybe i even made it at least subconsciously to pry at them. like the same part of me with dirt under my fingernails was also sitting there typing away on that keyboard .

but at the same time its just a game . and im better at programming now too . like something just clicked there

honestly though development lately has been weird. its been hard trying to go back to the old sort of pixel art platformers and shoot em ups and that kind of thing i used to make. every time i open any program its like im just staring at it and imagining skyboxes. putting it all in a box imprisoning every world i make that kind of thing. like i said earlier ive been considering dropping out. but i dont know. i think id need to sleep on it

i still have weird fucked up dreams but E isnt in them anymore . i dont know where shes gone . i think maybe my idea worked somehow and i did transfer all that shit to my art . and then that just all went right to her . but i dont know if i like that idea or hate it

anyways reddit am i the asshole?

#aita #am i the asshole #unreality

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youremyheaven · 11 days

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I’m a Chitra girly. I’ve been a virgin for 22 years. (All my life basically) I do have urges where I wouldn’t mind having one-night stands, but I want it to be with someone I trust for my first experience. Although, I’m kinda over it now because I just wanna experience s*x. I’m getting older!! 😫 Also… I wouldn’t mind using my body to get what I want, but I obviously never done that. (yet 😜) It’s just a thought, like for example I rather have s*x with a sugar daddy or a ceo to boost my career instead of having s*x with a flop ass dude. My mentality is that instead of giving myself for a “normal” dude, I rather just use my sexuality for my benefit. Like, women get slut-shamed for using their sexuality to get where they are. Like don’t hate the player, hate the game.

i feel like a lot of Martian women think this way. they either hate men and sex or they use it to their advantage.

so many women famous for their sex appeal (Marilyn Monroe, Brooke Shields, Adriana Lima, Denise Richards) have Mars ruled naks but they've either avoided men and used their sex appeal to their advantage or really suffered in love and romance.

even though you say you wouldn't mind sleeping your way to the top, I feel like Mars women are better at seeming sexually enticing than actually sleeping around to get their way, yk?? everybody wants them but no one can have them type stuff?

the reality is that life is not a movie and men in powerful positions are often complete assholes. if things were so simple, then we'd surely have more women making $$$ and being girlbosses but that isn't the case. things seldom go well for women who choose this option bc at the end of the day sleeping with rich assholes is 100x harder than actually doing the work you need to get ahead. everybody is all about casual sex and using their body to make moves until they've been treated like scum by some asshole who uses them and is left in the dust. bc trust me, rich men will treat you like you're a cum dumpster

ill say this again and again, casual sex is a myth. there is nothing cAsuAL about this arrangement. men want a sex doll and a babysitter who will do all the things expected of a girlfriend without returning anything. its literally just a way for them to use women and get away with it as you cant be the bad guy if you aren't even in a relationship. dating apps and porn have ruined the game.

the biggest flaw in the way Mars women think is this tendency to believe that they have no emotional attachment to sex so it doesnt mean anything to them if they can just bang someone for the heck of it. BBG ITS A JUNGLE OUT THERE,,, the most worthless you will feel is when you realise how little you mean, sexually or otherwise to someone. you may not be emotionally attached to sex but you will suffer emotionally from disrespect you endure.

i dont mean to sound like im from the 1950s or anything but trust me, if a man is only attracted to you sexually, he will immediately lose interest in you once you bang. and those monkey brained assholes are def the ones who dont deserve to experience your body. pussy trapping a guy into being with you is a delusional lie.

edit: since you're a virgin you should be extra careful bc men go ape for virgins 😶‍🌫️ but tbh some guys won't fck with you bc it's too much responsibility as men often think women fall in love with their "first" (there is some truth to this tbh)

#mars

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pigeonwit · 6 months

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thoughts on billie the kid: act 1

this is by no means a synopsis or a review, just my thoughts and things i wanted to share while i was watching. it will cover a lot of the plot though, so spoiler warning!!

the whole cast was on stage for gez and conway’s pre-show speech and when they were done they all filed off for olivia to take centre stage, all giving her little shoulder pats – and then jodie steele fully slapped her ass with her binder.

‘poor white trash girl’ the ballad of my fellow working class bitches who were always just normal enough to be tolerated as long as we didn't complain too much.

right off the bat we see billie is popular, but… no she's not. her friends clearly love her - they seem to get along and kelly, her best friend and school valedictorian, is very humble and proud towards billie upon finding out she's shooting for a scholarship at a community college despite kelly herself having been early accepted to duke. she even shuts down another of their friends, candy, when she tries to make a subtle dig at billie’s first choice being a community college. but that’s just it. billie IS different to these wealthy ivy league girls, from her hand-me-down jacket to working nights at a truck stop to keep the lights on. they get to giggle at her adorable dreams of going to a community college. they get to smile approvingly at how hard shes trying. they get to say ‘did you tell them about your moms… SITUATION?’ as if the only reason billie could get a scholarship is because shes a sob story. and kelly stops this - when she sees billie as an ally. when she doesnt, shit hits the fan. but thats getting ahead of myself.

brodie is a genuinely kind and doting boyfriend, and im really glad they went that route with him. there are so many characters where it would have been easy to follow the tropes, from brodie to billie's mother to mrs banks. but brodie is such a sweet guy - he takes care of billie, keeps her books and ‘emergency yoghurts’ (i think i heard that right?) in his locker, he makes up silly cheer routines to make her laugh. im glad they made brodie this kindhearted, softspoken boy whose only crime is being FRIGHTENED. and also betraying billies trust but we’ll get to that.

in all the plans billie and brodie make together, its clear brodie’s taking a backseat. billie makes the plans. billie's getting them both out of here. brodie’s just along for the ride. now you can absolutely read this as billie being taken advantage of, because with how scared brodie is, i do see that as part of it - but i think it also goes to show how stifling your own queerness creates a lack of awareness as to who you are and what you want from your future.

when billie finds out about the sexting, shes obviously horrified and devastated. brodies her one support in such a chaotic life, and we’ve seen firsthand how much he loves her. we also see firsthand how much billie trusts kelly, to share her deepest embarrassment with her and trust she wouldn't tell anyone. something i like that they added is that when billie goes to confront brodie, she isnt an automatic feminist girlboss about it. she is genuinely conflicted about what brodie did to her because she loves him so much and loves that he loves her. she even begins to believe she’d be ok with the cheating as long as brodie still loved her, which is what causes her to seek out his sidepiece so that she can try and force ‘her’ into leaving brodie alone. i like that billie is flawed here, i like that she'd actually go through with this humiliation if it meant she could just have someone support her - it really hammers home how desperate she is for some stability in her life and how much disrespect she’d put up with just for someone to show up for her, which i think you can also see in the way her friends treat her.

something interesting in the show is that while i thought brodie and david KNEW they were texting each other, they actually have a rule of ‘no names, no faces’ set by brodie. i dont know how he found davids number, but david does mention at one point "these footballers, they always do this. make a new account just to mess with me." so like. were they legit on grindr? guys… still, them not knowing who the other is makes me really curious about their relationship and what they shared. david calls him ‘football star’ so he must know brodie plays - i wonder what else they shared with each other beyond just dirty messages?

(also, david canonically cant spell for shit - as billie reads their messages she exclaims “oh, come on, brodie, you couldn't’ve cheated on me with someone who can READ?”)

the acoustic version of ‘confederate fag’ really gave me the wrong idea of the song - which is of course the point, to recontextualize the material - but oh my god hearing it the way its meant to be heard?? i’m stunned. the story is that davids been out of school for a week because he tried to commit suicide. well, now hes decided not to let anyone's words get to him ever again, so hes hyping himself up to go back to school (‘been in bed for six days, and on the seventh, i rested’ is a line thats been driving me crazy… yep thats an accurate depiction of my mental state!!). the title comes from the fact that he tore down the confederate flag their school hung from their flagpole to commemorate the ‘honorable soldiers who died defending their rights’ and graffitied it.

“okay, david. first day back, and we are serving reclaimed slurs, reclaimed hatred, and, uh… (leans forward to awkwardly spit on the flag, obviously grossed out but looking quite pleased after he does so) pride.”

confederate fag is such a hyped-up, blood pumping, fist clenching, kick your ass song that fills me with so much determination - fuck yeah!! hes not gonna back down!! hes not gonna lose to some dumb fucking bigots!! hes better than them!! and hes not going to let them kill him before he gets the life he deserves!!

“yeah, you can try and kill me [flips off kelly and candy] OHHH but i got there FIRST!!! 😜😜😜 HAHA!!!” i mentioned this before but YES BITCH RECLAIM THAT TRAUMA, THEY TRIED TO KILL YOU BUT THEY COULDNT, IT WAS ALL FUCKING YOU AND THEY DONT GET TO TAKE CREDIT FOR IT!!!

as he sings, the cast freezes around him as he manipulates them, flipping off kelly and candy, tearing pages from teachers clipboards, and drawing lipstick over a jocks face. he also runs upstage to sing into the stand-mic and as he sings the final chorus the cast do these limp puppet motions of saluting and pumping their fists. really shows that david's hopes for a better future are flimsy, half formed and not all the way real, but visible enough for him to keep on hoping.

so peaches mouse and david (when he wasnt in the hospital) all sold drugs together. they seem like a gang, but they really make it clear that theyre a family - the drugs are just to keep them all afloat as they try to skip town. but peaches, my QUEEN peaches, is the one who bites the bullet and says ‘enough is enough, david is not safe here and we are leaving NOW’. she sells the last of their amount for 3k and decides shes getting her family out of winchester creek forever. and while i do love peaches so much, a lot of her character revolves around this, a very fierce older sister need to protect everyone and fix all their problems singlehandedly. and god i wish she’d just get a break from it man. or at least be allowed to express some frustration with that at all. but she seems to really take pride in protecting her family, so i wont overstay my welcome on that topic.

this protectiveness manifests in her literally sabotaging herself to protect her family. when mouse is harassed by candy at school, who frequently misgenders and deadnames them as she tries to buy vicodin off of them, peaches scares her away even after she tries offering them more money and winds up losing a customer. i truly do love that scene so much. get her peaches!! she deserves NOTHING.

“peaches” is a flawless song, you've all heard it by now. hannah victorias singing is unreal and she is truly the glue of the show. more peaches appreciation!! this lesbian gave us EVERYTHING!!

during the lyrics “show her some love!” mouse dances around peaches making heart-hands and gesturing for the audience to hype her up. yes!! appreciate her yall!!

when david shows up at school hes immediately cornered by candy and mary-beth (the religious nut played by yuki sutton, whose comedic timing and delivery is flawless and who deserves the world itself). the scene is skin-crawlingly uncomfortable in the best of ways.

“we had to have two whole classes for suicide awareness for you, david!” “… we’re very aware now!”

“now i know why you did what you did, david, you dont have to say it… it was SATAN! and i just can’t believe that after all he did to you, youre… still… dressing like that?” “of course he is, mary-beth, hes still a homo! aren't you, david :)” “STILL?! you mean after all that time in the hospital they still didnt fix you?! david you should get your money back…” (sidebar - ryan kopels stonefaced reactions to this were just so fucking funny.) he tries to sneer her off, but she grabs him. “no, i mean it, david. you're sick.”

the show really knew how to use mary-beth as a character, and yuki sutton REALLY knew how to play her. she provides some much needed levity with all her bible-thumping insanity and her sheer dedication to the hysteria (“AND GOD SAID THOU SHALT NOT LIE ABOUT GUN CONTROL!!!!!!” “its not his fault, he werent raised right! hes never even been to SEAWORLD!!!”) made the entire theatre fucking WHEEZE. but man when she says “you’re sick”, those two simple words, it just… UGH. its chilling. just how much she CARES when she says it. its brilliant and its awful and i love it. GENIUS.

also david gets to get in candys face and yell BITE ME at her which was therapeutic for me.

i find it so heartbreakingly sweet that peaches is confused as to why david is late because “you were supposed to come in with mouse!”. do they all travel in packs to keep each other safe. “no one walks alone” type deal. cause thats… so beautiful and so sad.

“how are you feeling, david…?” “... better now im with my family.” and he RUNS to hug peaches and mouse… oh it HURTS and i love it. ugh and theyre all so excited to leave… mouse gets so excited at the prospect of becoming a hot LA surfer dude :’) you deserve it babyyyy

so funny that billie just GRABS david to come talk to her. No conversation, they barely know each other, she just grabs him and says ‘i need to talk to you’ without stopping as she walks.

peaches: david, you gonna be okay…?

david, looking billie up and down: yeah, i think i can take her.

when billie drags david away to talk to him mouse gets so defensive and like. they're right to be, kelly and her friends have consistently been assholes to them, but also its so funny to see mouse’s little self trying to square up on their tiptoes to say ‘watch yourself, CHEERLEADER’ like peaches come get your chihuahua.

it is… so disheartening seeing david’s face drop upon seeing brodie’s phone. football star was important enough for david to text him on the day he was supposed to go back to school after everything and he wholeheartedly believes it was all a joke just to mess with him.

“so brodie’s… not gay?” “him? no. he’s just an asshole.” “... oh, thank GOD!!”

i love that the show does take its time establishing that even though billie's more self aware than her friends, she's not immune to the rhetoric of her small town. she's against gun control at first and fully carries a pistol with her. when david mocks her for being relieved brodie isn't gay, she says “oh no, being gay’s fine for you! but for brodie, it'd just be freaky”. she GENUINELY thinks that none of her friends would turn on brodie for being gay because ‘people love him!’. and its so… SO heartwrenching to see the way david glares at the floor as she says that. ‘people love him!’ … and didnt anyone love david?

david: stick by your boyfriend. if he really is gay, he's gonna need all the help he can get. and besides [spoken with the bitchiest tone, the haughtiest head-tilt, and a cunt matched only by god herself] he ain’t my type 🙄

[and then he lifts his heels and swivels his ankles in a little twirl as he goes to walk offstage… bbygirl i want to STUDY you…]

“david reckons you said all that to mess with him. but i said no, not my brodie. so which is it? are you a bully… or are you just… 🥺 GAY 🥺???” ugh billie my wet puppy of a girl i LOVE you

“cowboy cheerleader” my beloved. brodie has spent so long living in the background because he’s been too terrified to be himself. But he really did want what’s best for billie. He really does love her.

you really do get the sense that billie and her mother are two people who love each other and so desperately want something from the other that the other is just not able to give due to their situation. betty is fighting her addiction – sidebar, oh my god this show does such a good job at showing that addiction is not a character flaw, oh my god – and doesn’t want to lose billie to college, but she has not given billie much reason to have faith in her. she’s still in contact with her dealers, she doesn’t seem to care about billie’s hopes of a scholarship, and so billie is so used to her mother letting her down that she (justifiably) assumes the worst in her, something that could be solved so easily if her mother just SHOWED UP – but how can she when she thinks billie wants to so badly to be rid of her? Whenever they speak to each other you really get the idea that they both care about each other and are trying so hard to show it but they just can’t meet in a way that makes sense to the other. billie always assumes the worst in her mother (again, justifiably so) and her saying “brodie was always too good to be true” so easily becomes “so what, he’s too good for me?”. but man they are both trying so hard to reach one another… and they get there, eventually.

also betty immediately being supportive of her brodie-bear… outcasts unite baby. she knew what was coming and she wanted him to know he was safe with her.

the show does a great job of showing that billie is well within her right to be upset at brodie for lying to her and cheating on her, but she also understands that brodie needs the support he always gave her, so even though there is an obvious shift in their relationship (her being uncomfortable being touched by him and making the same jokes they used to make) she still decides to be there for him and make sure david, peaches and mouse won’t tell anyone what they know.

and on that topic, it’s interesting that upon finding out the other now knows who they've been texting, both brodie and david assume the other is going to throw them under the bus. david panics that this is another football team prank and kelly’s already going to gossip about it - and brodie panics that david’s definitely told peaches, who’s for sure going to gossip about it.

“do we really have to be here? i knew i was texting a boy but... i just thought he was a nice boy? not some satanist like david frances…” “david frances is not a SATANIST! … PROBABLY!”

upon finding brodie and billie at the creek:

peaches: well, there goes the neighbourhood. david: oh, what the hell are you two doing here!? mouse: yall know there’s no starbucks around here right?

i love these fucking queers SO MUCH-

david looks so shocked and so touched that billie would actually stick her neck out for brodie and pretend they’re still together after everything. his admiration for her really starts in that moment.

"and another thing-" "ugh, seriously? has anyone ever told you two you're kind of hard to deal with?!" david you are everything to me

billie: so – look. we’re gonna go ahead and tell everyone that nothing’s happened, that we’re still together, but you gotta do the same, okay? peaches, actual gremlin: [gasp] SECRETS! secrets and LIES! mouse, actual gremlin x2: dirty, dirty CLOSET secrets!!!

i love these losers so fucking much…

“welcome to the gang!” “not quite.” “yeah, you are the only one not looking the part here…” “if you wanna be in our gang, sandra-dee, we need to get you a leather jacket!” STOP these queer kids welcoming brodie into their group… letting him know he’s not alone… i’ll CRY

i wanna talk about brodie and david... look the point of the show is not the two-second-long sexting-based relationship between david and brodie. they both seem very okay with leaving it be and just respecting each other as friends and comrades as they go to live their own lives on their own terms. but god i really want to know if they talked about the anonymous texting. i want to know if they talked about being the only two gay men in town. i want to know if they talked at all. there’s this quiet understanding and respect between them as they sit next to each other and drink and just look at each other, really seeing each other for the first time, and i really want to know if there was anything more to that.

something so interesting during ‘another lover’ is that billie actually sits on the steps near the band and allows the queer characters to be up at the front welcoming brodie into their group as they all drink around the campfire together. she lets them have their moment of solidarity without intrusion. that’s something i really wasn’t expecting but it’s so beautiful to see.

something that’s also really important to note is that as much as billie lets the group have their moment of solidarity, they also take a step back and allow her to express her love for brodie as they part ways and allow her to have her moment of grief during ‘my favourite guy’. billie’s never had a consistent figure in her life and brodie was that for her. and he still is, but it’s so different now. as much as she understands and forgives and stands by him, she has been let down here, and she deserves to have a moment to mourn that nothing can go back to the way it was for them.

and this leads to another wonderful ‘billie is flawed but not BAD’ moment – when kelly calls her… oh my goodness billie just wants some support. and she still tries her best not to take it. She still tries to say everything is fine, her and brodie are still together, but Kelly is just not having it. ‘have you been crying? billie, just TELL me!’ ... look there’s no one left in billie’s life right now who she feels completely 100% comfortable in trusting. she doesn’t know david peaches and mouse that well, and she wants brodie to be supported, but she can’t confide her thoughts about him cheating on her and their break-up to the guy who cheated on her and who she broke-up with… so yes, naturally she seeks help in kelly. she trusts kelly, the girl who was always kind to her, supported her, chided their friends when they made pointed comments about her 'situation', so... kelly would never hurt her, would she?

“you know… you know that boy, david frances...? well-” “hey cowgirl, get over here!” “oh, right – sorry, kelly, i’ve got to – kelly…?” oh no.

“oh brodie was just telling us all what a crazy gun nut you are!” oh NO.

the hush that falls over them all when they realize billie carries. brodie doesn’t see anything wrong with it, of course – he knows billie, he knows she only goes shooting at the range in a controlled environment because it reminds her of her dad, he knows she’d never hurt anyone. but the way peaches goes dead silent and always keeps a hand on mouse, the way all three of them step so quietly and so warily around her…

“i didn’t have you down for all this ‘fastest draw in the west’ stuff.” “just call me billie the kid!” STOP STOP STOP I DIDN’T THINK THAT THAT WAS WHERE THE TITLE WAS COMING FROM-

when billie says “i can show you, if you want!” she means it with such good intentions, she just wants to share a skill she has with her friends – and mouse is so eager to touch the gun, probably through some teenage ‘guns are cool’ mentality, probably because they’re so unused to having power in their life, but peaches immediately yanks them back. “our fingerprints aren’t going on ANY firearms” oof… it’s like she’s playing it off as a joke, but… we know she's not, right?

but david… oh david is ENAMOURED by the gun… he treats it with such child-like wonder, this thing that could take a life when everyone around him tried so hard to take his. he’s nervous to use it, embarrassed when he misses, laughing awkwardly – and billie takes his hand, guides him to look down the barrel, to shoot true and HIT. she really does think she’s doing good. she really thinks she’s helping him take back some control in his life, because that's what shooting is for her.

“we all have the right to defend ourselves! people like you, people like mouse – we all have a right to protect ourselves when we feel our lives are at stake.” “well, god bless america!” NO DAVID NOOOOOO BILLIE I UNDERSTAND YOU THINK YOU’RE HELPING BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

cue ‘sharks in the water’. it’s a fucking bop but my god is it terrifying… especially when the girls tell abel about the messages. he’s the one who called david a homo. he’s the one who makes all the gay jokes for brodie to partake in. and he looks FURIOUS.

the horror in brodie’s face when his phone starts pinging… the devastation in david’s face when he sees what happened to him happening all over again…

when billie holds david’s hand over the gun like a promise and says “this keeps us safe.” and then the blackout drops... the DREAD in my stomach!!!!!!!!! what a fucking way for act 1 to end!!!!!

#billie the kid #billie the kid musical #fic thoughts #tw suicide mention #tw gun mention #ryan kopel #musical theatre

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