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telomeraseee · 4 years

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Hii your last scenario with osamu was THE BEST 😙👌 im not sure if this is ok but could I request another one with ushijima and goshiki trying to get on with the reader and when they go to one of shiratorizawa’s matches it turns out she was actually tendou’ s/o

a/n: hi guyzz, here ya go!! i hope you like it, im sorry of its a bit short, i didnt want to write anything too long with a shitty storyline. anyway, i was thinking of posting some one-shots i had written before i had actually started this blog, what do ya think? should i post them? lmk!! anyway for now, enjoy this piece! ill written the other requests tomorrow hehe

USHIJIMA

the first time he see’s you is at one of shiratorizawa’s practise match. he instantly thinks your cute, but since mans is a silent killer he chooses to just glance your way a few times or play more extravagantly when he knows you’re watching. obviously he notices that you stick close to tendou, but thinks nothing of it, brushing it off as you being tendou’s relative or something. makes his move the second time he see’s you. he has this all planned out. once they win the match, he will approach you and start a conversation, keeping it casual and keep you company the whole time, getting close to you and making sure that he sets up the situation perfectly. then he would smoothly ask you out to coffee. everything goes to plan, but then when he starts talking to you and getting close to you, he realises that you talk a lot about tendou. still he isn’t bothered by that okay maybe he is a little but he continues with his plan. just when he’s getting ready to ask you out, tendou comes into sight and your heart just leaps and so do you. you run towards tendou and launch yourself into his arms, wrapping your legs around his waist and placing a kiss on his lips. “Congratulations on winning tendou!” you say as you feel his arms wrap around your waist. “Thanks babe,” he says, smugly looking at ushijima’s shocked face in front of him. when i say our boy is shocked, he is shook his jaw is laying on the floor and his eyes are wide open. in short, he looks like a goldfish but no worries he still cute asf. the man who displays no emotion, literally ever, has his jaw firmly resting on the ground. this makes tendou feel like he is the king of the world. he was going to tell you about his girlfriend, you, at the first match, but when he saw the glances he was giving you, he decided to wait a while and see how things pan out. and boy was it worth it, the look on ushijima’s face was enough to make him double over with laughter, out of breath because he’s laughing so hard. tendou can’t help feeling smug, he has the ushijima jealous. fret not, ushijima quickly composes himself and when he see’s that the two of you are literally made for each other, he is quick to congratulate his best friend. in the end, even though ushijima was hella embarrassed by his reaction, he’s happy that tendou was able to find someone like you. the three of you end up being great friends and ushijima is always third wheeling you dates, not that he realises but you don’t mind.

GOSHIKI

the moment goshiki sees you, he’s like, ‘imma get this girl, imma make her mine’, throughout the whole match he tries to impress you by doing whatever he can and working extra harder. and right after the game he approaches you and starts talking to you. he literally keeps talking to you until his teammates have to physically pull him away. he’s so engrossed in coming up with a way to ask you out that he doesn’t even see the subtle glares that tendou is sending his way. side note: ushijima sees whats going on and thinks, ‘this will be entertaining’ okay continuing on, goshiki will definitely hit you up any chance he gets. the moment you walk into the gym his focus is on you and only you and he will spend any free time he gets with you, trying to impress him. but sadly, boy is still trying to work up the courage to actually ask you out. but after a certain win against a particularly strong school, the adrenaline he felt running through his veins was enough for him to make that day the day he would ask you out. so he spent 10 minutes in the locker room giving himself a pep talk and telling himself that he can do it. what a cutie so here he is waiting for you to come out of the gym so he can talk to you. but then he sees you walk out of the gym hand in hand with tendou and he just feels like crying. he knows it’s so childish and that he should be happy for his senpai, but all he feels inside is sorrow, he literally felt his heart drop when he saw. he really thought that he had a chance, he actually believed that he could be with you. poor bby :( but of course his sadness is short lived as he takes this as motivation to do even better in volleyball and work even harder than before to make sure that the next girl he likes, will be his. tendou won’t lie, seeing goshiki’s heartbroken face did pull a heartstring, but he knew that he would be okay, after all, you were tendou’s and tendou’s only and he wasn’t keen on sharing you with anyone. still, tendou decided that if goshiki were to ever find a lady who is single and is head over heals for him, he will gladly be goshiki’s wingman.

#haikyuu!! x reader #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu #hq ushijima #ushijima imagine #haikyuu ushijima #ushijima x you #ushijima x reader #ushijima fic #ushijima x y/n #goshiki x reader #goshiki #goshiki tsutomu #goshiki x y/n #goshiki headcanons

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theres-no-paradise · 6 years

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Sorry not Sorry

Chapter 10

Summary: A random number wakes you up early on a Saturday morning. But it doesn’t stop there. The stranger keeps on sending messages, and you have no idea what is happening, when you start to develop feelings for the unknown person.

Pairings: Tom Holland x Reader [submit your name: How it works]

Y/N your Name Y/F your Friend

Word Count: 2289

Warnings: none (just a little use of alcohol and making out but thats it lol)

A/N: THERE MIGHT BE MAJOR GRAMMAR MISTAKES - please tell me if you find them, I’m a little tired. You are also allowed to dislike me for waiting so long. I deserve it I guess. But motivation lost me and then I’ve been hella busy and kinda didn’t find my way back to this ff. But here we are with a new chapter. I wanted it to be a little longer BUT the stuff that happens after this chapter would kinda break the mood of this one. Also I’m sorry what I made you do in this one. Don’t be offended. :’D I hope you enjoy!

Chapter 1 • Chapter 2 • Chapter 3 • Chapter 4 • Chapter 5 • Chapter 6 • Chapter 7 • Chapter 8 • Chapter 9

The Spiderman: What’s going on in London town?

You: Not much. Im going out with Y/F

The Spiderman: Oh, fun night out!!

You: More like: She’s getting wasted and I’m being a babysitter

The Spiderman: Sounds a little like Haz…

You: lol we should hook them up

The Spiderman: absolutely haha

You: How’s work?

The Spiderman: Exhausting but fun! We’re on a little break now.

You: Don’t overwork Mr. Holland

The Spiderman: I’ll do my best

You: Good. I gotta go now. Y/F just arrived ttyl

The Spiderman: text me when you get home so I know you’re safe.

You: I try not to forget!

The Spiderman: You better do

Going to clubs with your friend happened quite frequently the past few weeks. Usually you were the person to stay in but dancing was quite fun and as long as your friend wouldn't get extremely wasted, you had a good time nonetheless.

One evening you were sitting in your favourite pub, having some beers before the actual night out. It was a nice and relaxing atmosphere but that would change soon once the partygoers would get their pre-drinks.

“Did you know that Tom and Zendaya are a thing?”, Y/F suddenly asked, throwing you off from your previous topic about work. “Huh? What do you mean?”

“It’s been on the internet for a while now”

“So? I’ve known him already when the rumours spread. He would've told me”, you countered.

“Not sure. He’s an actor after all. If he doesn't want it to be public-”

“I don't believe in these rumours”

“He even flies to LA regularly”

“Yeah… He’s an actor, as you said. And in LA are all the studios, of course he flies out there.

“Just don't get too attached.”

“I won't!”

Suddenly the mood dropped and you girls had no proper topic to talk about. “Shall we head to the Club?”, you threw in and Y/F answered: “Yeah.”

That night something happened, which you didn't plan in the first place. Something, you wouldn't even think of planning any day. Y/F’s words still repeated themselves in your mind and trying to get rid of them, you drank. You drank a lot and without realising it, you ended up being utterly wasted. Alone in the crowd, you danced to the loud music banging from the speakers, not caring about the people around you, moving with you. At some point, you didn't know when, a stranger approached you, but you couldn't care less, you just kept on dancing. Your vision was blurry and you only enjoyed the music. With the alcohol in your blood, you did things that you didn't mean to do. Once the guy who danced with you, put his lips on yours, you just couldn't stop. The kiss became more intense and the guy, whose name you didn't even know, dragged you out of the club.

You didn’t remember much after that.

The strong headache was the first thing that woke you up the next morning. You were disoriented, not having any idea where you were at first. The guy from last night lay still next to you so you crawled out of the bed as quiet as possible. Trying to find your clothes was a real struggle. His place was a mess and everything was laying around and it made it harder for you to find your stuff. Once you gathered all of it, you threw it all on and left the place as fast as possible, not leaving a message at all.

Sitting on the tube in the early morning, reality slowly hit you. Not only did you sleep with a guy you didn't even know, you felt like shit. Not because of the drunk accident but more because of Tom. Even though you weren’t dating, you felt regret wash over your body. Obviously a sign that it was a mistake what has happened last night. The walk of shame, after a crazy night out, became the walk of horror for you. Barely any people were on the tube, so there weren't many sneaking looks but the moment you phone started buzzing, you knew immediately what was going to happen.

The Spiderman: Guess who just landed in London.

Nausea struck you immediately. Did he tell you before that he planned to come home? You scrolled up the whole conversation, no sign of any mention of home. Slowly gulping down that lump that has formed in your throat, you typed in the response.

You: No way you're in London?

The Spiderman: Actually yes. It’s my mom's birthday, wanna join?

You: I don't know. I don't even know her, isnt that weird?

The Spiderman: Not at all. My mom’s easy going

You: Okay…

The Spiderman: It's gonna be at their place, 7pm. Want me to pick you up?

You: No its cool. I’ll be at the train station

The Spiderman: Can't wait!

You: See you

The Spiderman: xx

The feeling in your guts could've been described as awful. Just some horrible, unnecessary feeling building up inside of you.

As you approached your station, you left the train and walked the long way back home. Thinking about how you’re gonna meet Tom later, not sure if you should tell him what you did.

Maybe you shouldn't tell him what happened? You were not dating anyway so is it his business to know who you slept with? Well, yes if you are romantically involved with him, but are you? You ask yourself a thousand questions, not knowing the answer for it. Asking Y/F for advice was not a good idea either, not only because she might also have a hangover, but after last night's conversation she wasn't really fond of helping you with Tom anyway.

You spent the day laying on your sofa, drinking tons of water and eating some cheeky Nandos from around the corner. You still felt awful about what has happened the night before and you even tried to think about what happened. You didn't remember a thing, only that some random guy kissed you and dragged you to his place. What happened after was a blackout. You couldn't recall anything, that has happened in his sheets and that made it even worse.

‘Maybe nothing happened and I’m overreacting’, you thought, trying to calm yourself down. Unfortunately it didn't work and you rolled around on your sofa, blanky nearly falling off of you.

Checking the clock you realized, it was getting late. You stood up quickly and pulled out some clothes. Luckily you took a shower once you came back home after the walk of shame in your neighbourhood. Now it was time for some decent clothes. You pulled out a dark jeans and a nice dark grey Sweater, which you pulled over a white shirt. It looked casual enough for a ‘parent - birthday - party’, you thought.

When you arrived at the train station, with flowers you just got earlier for his mom, you could see Tom standing on the platform with Tess, just as the last time he picked you up.

“Hey”, you greeted him, pulling him into a tight hug. “It’s been ages”, he said, once he pulled back, taking in your figure. “You look pretty”, “likewise, handsome”, you countered, smiling slightly. As you slowly walked to his parents house, you caught up on recent events which you haven't talked on the mobile.

“Oh, I got you something”, Tom said suddenly, opening his backpack and taking out a little, dark red Box. “Why do you have a bag with you?”, you wondered, as he held the little package into your direction. “Presents for mom”, he answered smiling and pulled the zipper closed. While he did that, you stared at the little box in your hands. “Open it!”, he laughed, having a very demanding tone in it.

You did as you’ve been told and once the box was open, a little beaver with way too big teeth grinned at you. It was holding a little plate in its hands, saying Montreal on it. “You got me something from Canada?”, you asked surprised. “I told you I would”, he grinned, running his hand through his hair nervously. “You didn’t have to-”, “I know, but I did”, Tom countered and smiled. You thanked him and suddenly that terrible feeling in your stomach was back, signalling you of the mistake you made last night. Should you tell him or keep it to yourself? You weren't sure and the worst about this situation was: Your friends words still lingered in your mind, waiting to be spoken out.

Nikki’s Party was better, than you originally imagined. Of course, there were many people that were a lot older than you but Tom and his brothers had been great hosts. They hung out with you, joked around and played silly games. Of course, there was some alcohol too but you tried to keep it to a minimum. A wine here and there maybe. After a few hours, around two in the morning, Tom decided that it was time to go home. You said your goodbyes to the family and friends and left with the Actor. “I’ll check if there's a bus coming”, you said, trying to figure out the app on your phone that had all the details in it.

“Leave it. I’m not gonna let you drive home at this time of the night.” “I’m not a child, Tom”, you said sternly, as you scrolled with your finger on the display. Tom just pulled your phone out of your hands and walked away with it. Leaving you stunned for a second. “Hey!”, you shouted after him and followed his figure, but he decided to take up the pace and ran away. “You son of a-”, you didn't say it out loud but sprinted after him as fast as you could, only to accept the fact, that this spider boy was way faster than you. As you arrived in front of his door, holding your sides because of having the stitches, he grinned at you, giving back the mobile device.

“You’re staying here, I dont want someone to kidnap you”, Tom explained, as he opened his door and let you walk in. Annoyed at his behaviour, you walked in and got rid of your shoes, walking to the living room. Sitting down on the couch, you looked around. Nothing has changed since the last time. A little more merch here and there (Obviously Spiderman Stuff duh) but other than that, same old living room.

Tom came over with two beers in his hand, joining you on the sofa. The night wasn’t over yet, you knew that. It basically just started for you too, but hoped to not get as drunk as the night before. As time went by, you kept talking with Tom about all the things, that annoyed you at work the past few weeks. And even he’d complain about certain days, when nothing would've worked for him at all. Just as you were telling him about some differences with your best friend, you didn't mention what she said. Just that you wouldn't agree with her opinion. Tom listened closely but laid down on the sofa, his head resting on your lap. You felt your cheeks heat up a little at this sudden change of position but kept on telling him all the things. When you finished complaining, a warm feeling in your stomach grew, pushing aside all the negativity from the day.

“Can I kiss you?”

Well, that was unexpected. And even worse, it came out of your mouth. Tom only giggled slightly at your outburst, which made you insecure, so you tried to save the situation. “I’m so sorry, that was rude. It's the alcohol and I know that you have a girlfriend and-” you stopped suddenly when Tom shifted positions and sat across from you again. “Why would you think that?”, he asked, voice filled with concern.

“Uhm, the internet is all over with it?”

“Z? We’re friends! She’s like family to me”, Tom explained, a serious expression on his face while he looked at you. “Really?”, your voice wasn't more than a whisper. “Positive. So… Didn't you want to kiss me?”, Tom joked, a smug expression on his face. Oh this boy definitely had a drink too much tonight, you could tell.

You really wanted to kiss him though, but something kept you back and as you were struggling to find the courage, Tom took the opportunity and kissed you first instead. Usually a kiss like that would end after a moment, checking each others reactions out but this wasn't the case. The innocent kiss became an endless make out session which lasted more than just a few minutes.

At some point your mind started to scream, telling you to stop, which unfortunately lead to an end of this wonderful experience.

“I slept with someone”, you blurted out as Tom was trying to recollect his thoughts. It took him a little to think about your words but then, to your surprise, he just shook it off. “Yeah, I guess that happens when your single”

“I didn't mean to though. It felt wrong”

“Why?”

“Because of you, I guess”

There was tension in the air and the sudden silence felt heavy on your shoulders. Was he mad?

“I admit, I’m a little jealous that someone else got a taste of that sweet bum of yours”, Oh alcohol, you thought but couldn't help and laugh at his words. “We surely can change that”, were your last words, before you kissed Tom again with a big smile on your lips.

The enormous guilt you were struggling about was over for now, and you let your thoughts spin back to Tom and his lips.

Taglist: @hollandorks @hollywoodgonzalez @ilivefortomholland @casualprincess77 @agirlwithpointlessideas @isabellamozarella03 @MENDES-HOLLAND @thiswildfire @wastedheartnat @hollandbaby @moonofmy-life @smileylaurens @random-fandom-lady @heartoftheadventure @blackazkaban @augurydemon @homecomjng @punkass-potato @unfoldingdaydreams @thefriendlyneighborhoodspidey @rivedale @tiffanypooh@claraholland @tohollandback @letsmcflytobritain

#sns #sorry not sorry #tom holland #tom holland fanfiction #tom holland imagine #tom holland imagines #tom holland x reader #tom holland x you #tom holland x y/n #spiderman #peter park

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australian-desi · 7 years

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IPKKND 3 - Episode 1: An introduction with a hint of pain from the past

I am so ready for this, finally my wait for 5 months has come to an end, and if the promos and this episode are anything to judge by, this is surely going to be a roller coaster ride. So buckle up children, to witness Gul + co. creating yet another abusive male lead, which we all will hopefully fall for and hate at the same time

Advay looking all cool with a guitar which has a colourful strap

So they show him saving a puppy, now how will I hate this character because honestly speaking I would pick a puppy over a person any day

I FUCKING KNEW BOTH HIS PARENTS DIED

He’s so emo broody

Awww look at this ray of sunshine, even though her name is Chandni

I already like her, and its been 0.003 seconds

The less I talk about her sari, the better it’ll be for my mental health

Dude, Chandni is metal as fuck, she literally opened a metal bottle cap with her teeth

Thought that was beer for a second but then realised that that’s just so unsanskaari

Is a maha aarthi just a rich people thing ffs, first the Oberoi’s, and now the Vashith’s, koi kaam waam karte hai nahi, ek poora mahina maha aarthi pe waste karte hai

I still love how goddamn extra they are though and absolutely enjoying how the music went from full on Shiv ji ki aarthi to ‘Silsila yeh chaahat ka”

the chaahath is of the ‘treasure’ that is said to be found inside Shiv ji - amazeballs

They could easily break the moorthi, like if they’re only motivation to do this aarthi is to get the wealth, you can get it either way, you obvs don’t have complete devotion to Shiv ji anyway :/

Chandni’s mother is giving me proper evil vibes - she’s the actual cause of Advay’s parents’ death isn’t she?

I love her hair though

yup she defs is

also doing this aarthi once every 16 years is a bit specific isn’t it

We also have a stupid-evil bhabhi and her assistant

All of the women in this show so far have such amazing hair, and it’s so volumous and flowy

So Chandni has not left the house in a year, because she was out of the house for 3 days. Is that her punishment? What is happening

If it’s her parents that forbidden her from leaving her house, I don’t think Advay needs to do much to ‘welcome her to hell’ (she’s already pretty much there, take a look at her saree)

“Tumhe humaare baare mein itna sab kuch kaise pata hai?” Aah curry dads, keeping their lives more secret from the children, than the FBI

Wait, why doesn’t her know that she’s his daughter, I mean what happened?

So many goddamn questions

Loving the CGI snakes, making this treasure even more real for me

WAS SHE ABUSED AND SOCIETY VICTIM BLAMED HER AND AS A RESULT SHE FORBADE HERSELF TO LEAVE THE HOUSE??

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK MAN

FFS IM SO DONE

ADVAY SINGH RAIZADA, YOU LEAVE MY GIRL ALONE

ARNAV WAS BETTER ANYWAY

Even Shiv ji is done with their shit

like ‘bitch bye’, y’all don’t deserve this maha aarthi anyway

Symbolism: the more Chandni tries to run from her past, the harder he’ll pull her back to it, the more he’ll try to give her pain, the harder she’ll fight and emerge stronger, and fate will ensure he is the one to save her from falling

Honestly speaking, Advay and Chandni need to go a few therapy sessions to a psychologist and heal they’re wounds, but noooo, abuse and pain are better to endure and to give

Precap: I suspect 16 years ago Chandni would’ve been a child, so how the fuck does Advay find her capable and downright responsible for the killing of his parents

Do all 4 Lion’s Male Leads just lack basic logic?

#IPKKND3 #advay singh raizada #Chandni Vashith #Shivani Tomar #Barun Sobti

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ecotone99 · 4 years

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[NF] 24 Hours until Lexapro

EEEEEEE EEEEEEE EEEEEEE***

My eyes open and my hand flies up like a heat seeking missile, smashing down on the snooze button until i can find relief in silence for at least another 8:00, 7:59, 7:58.... Ha silence I joked to myself, like I get any of that these days anyway. Well I was being honest, with mild tinnitus I'v always got something playing to keep the perilous ringing at bay. I put on some white noise, the sound of rain. I shut my eyes and drift off.

My mind was on the day ahead, Id booked myself into a doctors appointment yesterday for this morning impulsively, I'd skipped through the heath centres polices...'minimum 48 hours notice on cancellations, dishonour fee $80.’ Perfect, I wont be negotiating myself out of this one. I needed to make this appointment. Over the last couple days I’d noticed more than ever, my anxiety levels mischievously planning to undermine me...

EEEEEEE EEEEEEE EEEEEEE*** The second alarm rings

'You piece of shit! AS if that was 8 minutes?' As quick as the alarm sounds I'm hot on the stop. Its getting harder and harder to get out of bed.

I look over to the pile of socks stacked up on the other side of the room, all paired up nicely. This is going to cost me. The winters in Melbourne aren't bad per say, but 4 degrees in your tighty whities can only be so fun. I stare out the window, look back at the socks and just listen out into the apartment. I can hear the occasional rumble of a tram rolling by, birds outside chirping and then to the ringing in my ears. I hit play on my phone, I'm listening to Cigarettes after Sex- Apocalypse. sorted.

I've gotta piss. This is enough motivation for me and I get up and do about my business. In the bathroom I'm running my hands through my hair after I wash my face. My fingers pass over a prickly patch behind my left ear and a sore.

My mind flashes back a couple days, Id been paranoid. Id had recently discovered a new lump or mole? something infectious maybe. 'A tumour?' This had had me in a worried fritz for days. it was something unfamiliar and I didn't like it. Without eyes in the back of my head id been trying to take photos and videos to try and get a better look at what i was dealing with. I'd shave off little bits of hair to try and get a better photo, different angles, flash, no flash. I needed some assurance. I tried picking at it, squeezing it? if it pops its just a pimple and that's okay right, if it pops it'll heal eventually and I can go about my business. Its not popping, its bleeding.I jumped online hopeful to find something that will let me rest. 'Do not pick moles...'

you can see where that goes anyway.

back in the apartment I'm just organising my morning coffee.Strait black with a bit of Honey. Delicious. I look at the clock. I'v got 10 minutes until I'm out the door. grabbing my shoes, I make my way over to the couch where I'll enjoy the rest of my coffee. Sitting back I look up at the roof in the living room. ugh. This roof has probably been my main antagonist these last couple months. Since moving in in January Iv had water leaking and bits of paint flake off. Every time I look up I feel like I'm finding more cracks, checking the weather forecast, or googling 'signs your roof is structurally unsafe.' Its driving me up the walls.

I try not and dwell on it for too long, I had somewhere I needed to be. And out the door I go.

I arrived at the health centre, punctual. my mind was a bit gravy, all over the place. I was dipping soggy thoughts into it, you know, cleaning up my plate before I talk to the Doc. Unfortunately not as tasty as it sounds. 'should i ask him about trying out Lexapro? Id tried it in the past, but I admit I wasn't very honest with it. I'll give it a fair go? and commit to a couple weeks or months and see how it goes?But its not easy. Deep down it makes me feel like a failure for just putting it in your mouth and relying on it. I haven't even put it in my mouth yet? Your practically a druggo. You will be be judged. I'm not progressing, I'v got to do something. try something?It took me a couple minuets to realise this just was the anxiety trying to de-rail me one last time. So I tried my best to block it out whilst filling in the introductory form.I like to be professional, well I think I do. Iv had times in the past where I'v pulled all fire alarms and hosed down the tissue station, remember the 'unprotected sex = I'v got AID'S!' scare? Oh boy. and the whole shamble of shared housing? Yes, a single apartments was the right choice to make, away from toxic house mates. The rents more expensive and your going to go crazy living alone? im still saving money? the roofs gonna fall down and ruin your life, you know that!!

It is imperative that this appointment was to run smoothly. I'm sure the whole ordeal will be over a lot quicker too. So I gathered together my issues and the Doctor addressed them accordingly. He soothed me with things like 'You've got low sun damage' and 'profiled moles are usually the least harmless' and 'Don't pick moles either...we can remove it if you like.' Unbelievable.Music to my ears. Id reckon if I had doctor on standby Id have a lot less worries. But that isn't reality. And it shouldn't be something I even think about wanting in the first place. We agree to go onto 10mg of Lexapro a day for 4 weeks, then adjust accordingly.

I duck next door into the pharmacy and pick up my script and with A positive step forward make my way back to the apartment. I get inside and started some coffee and whipped together some breakfast. I'm a chef by trade, So food to me particularly special. Iv come to realise that long hours in the kitchen were a bit of medicine Iv always been giving myself. A coping mechanism you could say for my anxiety. You can see how Covid would of stripped something like that away. But this is a temporary thing right?and and people have always gotta eat? when is the fat lady going to sing...

Iv decided to start taking the lexapro every morning after breakfast. So i gobble down my English Muffins, Eggs and Cheesy beans, finishing with 10mg of lexapro. Complements to the chef! and the drug maker?

Woozalberry

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#Blogger #Story

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sludgebombx · 6 years

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I have to do something about this. I cant go on like this. I feel unable to live in society. I dont know if its from all the bullying growing up, my gender dysphoria, the anxiety, or the way I was brought up or if its just some... defense mechanism. But some days it is so damn hard to be around people, especially when there are a lot of people in one room; for instance, it is becoming more and more difficult to go to class regularly and get my degree.

The thing is, I dont want to even be looked at. I dont want my physical existance to be in anyone's mind. I always feel bad for even existing. Like my existance is even an inconvenience to others. I cant even come out as trans while Im a part of a club at the university, taking part in something I enjoy in, and I cant even force myself to go to it most days.

I have to see a psychologist because I cant go on like this. I have to get rid of this mindset, whatever the cause of it is.

And I havent wanted to go to a psychologist because I often convince myself that these thoughts are just selfish and stupid and I dont even deserve to talk to someone about it.

Why dont I feel worthy enough to just exist? i just feel worthless. I always feel so disconnected from everyone and everything I dont know how else to cope but smoke weed literally as much as I can, constantly if possible.

Today at the university I started breaking down just trying to use the bathroom. My dysphoria is what makes everything else building up inside me come crumbling down and I started to get in a cold sweat.

Like maybe I could just get by with the anxiety, depression and constant self doubt. But the gender dysphoria on top makes living feel impossible. It shouldnt be this hard just to live.

I went up to the second floor to avoid being in anyones presence. I had to piss so bad but there were three people by the bathrooms so that was enough to make me turn back and try the third floor bathroom. That floor was even busier.

At that point my cold sweat was making my vision blur. My throat began to burn and my hands and mouth began to do this twitchy thing that starts happening when Im getting triggered. Thoughts in my mind telling me I dont deserve to piss. I dont deserve to be normal or live a life like them. Thoughts that make me feel like I dont deserve to live.

Finally the fourth floor was emptier. And as a transman who hasnt come out at the university, I cant just go up in the mens bathroom because there are classmates that dont know im male that i might run into.

So I go into the womens. And it kills me. I just have to piss. And life is so fucking hard to do anything when youre trans.

If I cant even do simple shit because i internally hate myself so much that I dont feel worthy enough to exist around other people then how can I even get a job and live like a normal person?

How can I live and grow and stop hating myself all the damn time? Hopefully it will all change after my hormone therapy but guess what! :) if my family finds out then I can say bye to my college and my car.

'pretending to be cis' for others happiness, i feel like, is literally driving my crazy. I dont know how much longer I can do it. I know I dont give myself enough credit for the things I do do. I just HAVE to change my mindset on life. I have to go back to the roots of my issues and reprogram the way I see my self worth.

It gets harder because I still have to pretend about who I am to my family. Im 23 years old and married, I have a house of my own and STILL, I cant go on with my life. I feel completely trapped because If I am myself, then i will lose everything.

...and typing this out, allowing myself to feel for once and feel like I can rant, ive just realised.. its all my familys fault.

Its because theyve done so much to see me succeed that if i betray them by coming out, i will lose everything. It is because of this that I will always feel guilty for being who I really am - perpetually afraid of them. Afraid of people. Hating myself. This has to be what has made me doubt people and assume their untrustworthiness, afraid of the world, and afraid to be myself.

Despite all that theyve done i cant help but to hate them. I hate them for making me this way. I dont know how much longer I can live this lie.

They dont even know Im married to a woman. They dont even fucking know Im married. But its their fault, isnt it? For being close-minded right wing transphobic trump supporters. Its all their fault for making me hate myself. The very aspect of my life is lie after lie after lie just so that others can be happy and my wife and I can go to school and have a car. Its breaking me down.

I always hear motivational speakers talk about "today is the day! Start your own journey and be yourself and unleash the best on yourself!" But if i start then i will literally lose everything. Not even motivational shit is helping.

I dont know how well a psychologist can undue the damage mentally that has been done to me. To undue damage from bullies, my family, and even the manipulative voice in my thoughts.

How long can it go on until I cant miss anymore school? How many more times can a man take it until his heart and mind are absolutely crushed?

Sometimes I think about coming out just to get the satisfaction of seeing the disgusted look on my family's faces. My hatred for them got so bad when i was in Middle school i actually raised a knife up to my grandma with a smirk on my face after she pissed me off saying something homophobic. That was over ten years ago but thats how bad i hated everyone and everything at one point.

The point is, over the years of distancing myself from people, im starting to not feel human at all. I feel like i really am losing my sanity. The voices, the panic, the anxious feeling of being inable to do simple things.

I feel so unstable but there is a part of me that knows I deserve to be mad. I deserve to hate them. I know I have to start by telling myself that I do deserve things. Im worthy to be trans and express myself. If I dont let myself feel worthy enough to express them, im afraid all the pent up rage might actually lead me to end up actually stabbing someone, like my grandmother, or someone who doesnt deserve it. This mental instability has even affected my relationship with my wife. And I really dont want to hurt anyone.

This has to stop. I cant go on like this. I need help.

I guess my question for advice for a psychologist would be this: Do I go ahead and release all of my worries and come out now, losing every bit of my financial support and college degree and get a job so i can start hormone therapy (spiritually happy and free) or do i just keep being patient, getting free money yet becoming worse and worse mentally with each passing day? (Continue on like this but i feel like im trapped with family holding money over my head)

...I just dont know how to get through it. I need help. I dont think I can keep going like this. Is it worth it?

#dysphoria #txt #long post #dysphoriatw #tw #killingtw

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