#it fascinates me how the words are different but the structure of these dialogues are the same

[braceletofteeth]

Evilive (1x03) || Strangers From Hell (1x08)

#evilive #biography of a villain #strangers from hell #han dongsoo #seo doyoung #yoon jongwoo #seo moonjo #parallels #gifset #* #not always a Seo... but always a Seo 😀 #it fascinates me how the words are different but the structure of these dialogues are the same #it goes [confusion & frustration] > [bargaining] > [begging] > [selfishness] > [fixation] > [realization] #the realization being they can't reason with the other person. there is no argument they could give that would make them change their minds. #there is no escape.

[bonesbuckleup]

Do you have any advice on how to learn from writers you love? I've read a few books recently that are absolutely spell binding but not in a way I'm currently capable of mimicking. Do you think there's a way to pick out what it is we love and then practice it in our own stories?

Oh, bud. Oh, bud. OH, BUD. The way this ask has been making me positively rabid all day with wanting to answer it. Fun fact--this is a hill I have died on, am currently dying on, and will continue to die on for my entire existence.

Short answer: Yes. Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. What you're describing is the oldest model on earth for learning how to do any artistic undertaking: you look at what the masters are doing; you think that you would like to do that thing; you learn the rules; you replicate, replicate, replicate, replicate; once you've mastered the rules, you break those rules to create your own style. Painting, writing, musical instruments, woodworking...this is the most classic of classic ways to learn a craft.

Long answer: Number one, anyone doing anything remotely creative should listen to what Ira Glass has to say about the creative gap. I kept trying to type up an answer to this ask, and he says in 2 minutes what I was taking thousands of words to try and describe.

Under a cut! And I'm sorry, it's very rambley, but I really think I could teach an entire semester class based on this concept.

The thing is, the way you go about picking out what you love and figuring out how to do it yourself will vary widely depending on what you want to replicate in your work. Dialogue, general plotting, vibes, mood, setting, character...all of these have slightly different ways you can go about them. I could probably write a book on this topic. I tried to boil it down to a few ideas:

Identify what it is EXACTLY that is drawing you to that particular book, short story, writer, etc. There is no room here for "I don't know, I just love it!" It might be the overall mood of the story. It might be the way characters are depicted. It might be the way the writer puts a sentence together. It might be how they use really plain language and then just SMACK YOU IN THE FACE with a sudden lyrical sentence. It can be anything. It might be small, like a specific 3 lines of dialogue. It might be big, like the way the plot is put together. I had a professor who called this the "gravitational pull," which is a part of the story you are drawn to the most. There can be multiple of these in a single work, of course, but the important part is to be explicit and direct in pinpointing what they are.

Rip apart the thing you love. Violent? Yes. Necessary? Also yes. Once you've identified what it is that's your gravitational pull in a story (and it's okay if there's more than one, just work through them one at a time), it's time to figure out how they work. I tend to be fascinated by how plots fit together, the if-then of storytelling, so I end up spending a lot of time making outlines of other people's books. (Fun fact: using a classic three act structure, Twilight is an almost mathematically perfect plot). Figuring out how things work can take a while, depending on what aspect you're looking at. If it's a character arc, you might plot out the main scenes and shifts that character goes through, then identifying the specific moves the writer made to take them from Point A to B to C to D. If it's something like style, such as the way a sentence is phrased or the way the language works, write down your favorite bits and figure out what, exactly, it is that you like about them. What's the draw? How is it functioning as one piece in a whole?

(One warning for ripping apart the thing you love--once you start reading like this, it's really hard to turn it off. You'll be perpetually diagnosing and dissecting everything you read. It takes a really good book to make me not do this, but even then, once I realize my analytical brain was quiet for a while? It gets kicked into overdrive, because a book that makes Analytic Brain shut up is a really fucking good book, and I want to know what makes it tick. ANYWAY. Be warned.)

Read a metric fuckton. Read the kind of thing you would like to write. Read the opposite of the thing you would like to write. Read fiction and non-fiction and fanfiction, and figure out how they're similar or different and what the rules are for each. My favorite books all combine bits and bobs from different genres (Legendborn by Tracy Deonn is such a banger of a book, and it's basically if Arthurian Legend met Beloved by Toni Morrison and took place on a college campus which is a bizarre premise but it WORKS SO WELL).

Write "In the Style Of" Pieces. Another professor of mine had us read several stories by the same writer all in a row. We identified the things that made them That Writer's style. So, for instance, JD Salinger: he has short sentences, very plain language, tends to have a page break/vibe shift approximately halfway through his short fiction, and often has some kind of shift at the ending. I think. It's been 10+ years since I read one of his. THE POINT IS: we identified the things that made a JD Salinger short story a JD Salinger Short Story. We looked at them and figured out how they worked. Then our assignment was to write a JD Salinger Short Story using the themes and style ticks that he used. We also did this with Denis Johnson (lyrical prose about very un-lyrical situations), Flannery O'Connor (Catholicism and people being shady), Raymond Carver (a rant for another time lmao), and a few others who are escaping me.

Were my pieces anything like the greats? NOPE. Not at all. I definitely fell short. But! There were a few things I learned from each of them, including things I didn't want to do. I think knowing what you don't want to do in writing is almost more valuable than what you do want to do, but I'm getting off topic. By forcing myself to write in a style completely alien from my own, whether or not it was good writing, I started to figure out what my aesthetics are, what I want my voice/writing/style to look like, how I wanted to structure stories, and I learned that from taking bits and pieces from some of the masters. This is an exercise I still sometimes do: what would this story look like if Neil Gaiman wrote it? Leigh Bardugo? Karen Russell? Tamora Pierce? How is a story by CL Polk different than one by Kazuo Ishiguro or Douglas Adams or Cornelia Funke?

Steal Widely and Mercilessly. Fiction is stealing. Anyone who tells you differently is lying. I got into grad school with a story that boiled down to "what if Leonard McCoy was drafted into the Vietnam War and had to decide to dodge or not?" My grandma had a saying about babies--hope for a girl and love what you get--which is more or less the basis of a major character in the novel I'm finishing up. We all steal. We're all thieves. There's a difference between stealing and plagiarism, obviously, but like...I love the way Rory Power balances dialogue and action, and sometimes I read and use her stuff as a structure model. I used the plot breakdown of Hunger Games for that same novel I'm finishing up--it is nothing like HG, but the pacing was relevant, which is learning while running. Whenever I'm about to write a garden scene, I reread bits of Practical Magic by Alice Hoffman. Like. Steal. Do it. We all do. Fiction's a grab bag and we're all out here grasping at straws. We're not stealing things verbatim, because again, plagiarism, but like...you like Zuko from atla a lot? Cool, grab his general character and put him on a space ship. You think the concept of Bruce Wayne is fun? Neat, what's he look like on spring break and broke and named Carl? You heard someone say something truly unhinged on the bus? That happened to a friend of mine, and her book came out from Simon and Schuster a couple years ago and the unhinged thing is still in it.

Make writer friends. I don't necessarily mean accomplished writer friends, though that's fine too! But the most valuable writer relationships and critique partnerships are with people and who are on an even-ish level to your current writing status, whatever that is. Because sometimes it's really, really hard to articulate what you love about a thing that's working well, especially if you're new to this practice. However, it can be much easier to recognize what isn't working well. That's the true secret of writing critique: it's not always to make your writing better, but to teach you how to talk about what you like, don't like, is working, or isn't working in any particular piece of writing. Plus, then you have a buddy to commiserate with, and that's always a necessary component of writing.

Write a metric fuck ton. Once again, I reference Ira Glass on the creative gap. You churn through enough words, and eventually you look up and realize your words have gotten better. I know a bunch of writers, and you want to know the difference between the truly talented and "gifted" ones and the ones who hustle and grind? Over the years, the ones who work really fucking hard and put a bunch of words out (versus being precious and going after perfection) have published more widely and are producing more interesting, compelling work than the "talented" ones. Almost every time.

One final thing: the moments I hate my writing the most are almost always just before a level up occurs. It's like a boiling point. So those times you really, really hate everything you do? You might be close to a break through, so do not give up. Keep going.

And, actually, I lied. I'm going to end this with a few of my favorite books about writing. None of them I love 100% all the way through, but the all had bits and bobs that I've found useful in how to dissect stories and diagnose what you like or don't like about them:

Story Genius by Lisa Cron

Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott

Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert (very woo woo but honestly a feel-good favorite)

Story by Robert McKee (A BRICK. Technically about screenwriting, but it's useful for classic structures like the 3 act, a hero's journey, etc)

Steering the Craft by Ursula K LeGuin (when I say that I would die for any word UKLG says about writing...ugh...love her.)

I hope something somewhere in this answered your question, and honestly, thank you for giving me an opening to scream about this specific thing, because it's one of my favorite rants to have.

#politicalbloodtea #ask #writing #god this is so rambley #I hope something in here is useful for you #please feel free to come poke me for clarifications because my brain also happens to be made of beans today

[ship-of-adramyttium]

Impressions of Artificial Intelligence - Part 3

AI and Machine Learning and The Mystery of Knowledge Read Part 1 here, and Part 2 here.  What We Know Brilliant informational scientists, programmers, computer researchers, and specialists have a profound understanding of the architecture of machine learning models, including LLMs. On the front end, these models are built on well-understood coding protocols. As mentioned before, there are intricate algorithms that weight words and phrases, tokenizing language in order to recognize context. There are parallel networks that perform tasks forward and backward, a bit like memory in a human brain. This is done at lightning speeds, with massive servers running in parallel to one another. A little bit like how brains run multiple inputs at the same time.  It used to be that computer programmers would line up machines in serial systems, meaning one after another, so that one computer would complete a task and would feed into another computer. This would layer inputs until the end of the serial chain for maximum output. This requires massive amounts of energy and relatively long timeframes. Eventually, someone said, what if we run these systems in parallel, next to each other. Then, let's break the main task into smaller tasks running at the same time rather than each task in a line. After all, that is how brains work. Brains are profoundly vast in their ability to retain, maintain, and act on available information at the same time.  Parallel Processing This is called parallel processing and it rapidly speeds up the ability of a system to find answers and generate output. Parallel processing led to the creation of neural networks back in the 1980s. In an AI model, there is a massive amount of information pouring into each channel and then overlapping onto other channels (the same way the human brain does). This requires massive amounts of computing power. We now have massive server farms dedicated to machine learning and AI. The physical architecture and energy needs required for the software architecture for AI is unbelievably vast.  On the back end, at the point of the end user, we know that there is now an explosion of AI uses and bots that can do all sorts of things. Once you have a functional LLM and AI system, you can section off parts to have it do different things. These are called ‘bots’, because they are task specific. A bot to manage your calendar, another to write emails, another to generate images, another to do financials in the background, another to ghostwrite your motivational book, another to do complex math. There are bots that can act as a personage from the past, a smart person in the present, or a therapist.  The GPT Store is a good example of what this looks like. For interaction with topic specific bots, Character.AI is a fascinating exploration of the capability of bots.  More simply, though, all these GPTs (GPT means Generative Pre-trained Transformer) are dependent on how well they communicate with the end user. So very generally, what is known of AIs, on the front end, is the software and hardware architecture needed to create a functional AI. This requires training the AI to understand the context of input queries, access to datasets, and careful programming (the Pre-Trained part of GPT). On the back end, the output to the end user, there are the translation requirements needed for us to read the responses from the AI on our various devices. These front end and back end aspects of AI are very well understood. The people who designed these systems are brilliant, unnamed scientists and programmers who will never be household names.  What We Don’t Know Most of the time, when I am working with AI dialogues and rewrites, I am aware that most of the answers the AI gives me, while drawing on vast knowledge bases, are formulaic, repetitive in a meta sense, and predictable in structure. Part of this is because of the way systems are designed; a programmed system will give programmed-like responses. Part of this predictability is because a lot of human writing is predictable and formulaic.  Sometimes, though, something comes through the AI model that is fantastically creative and even beautiful. The tokens get weighted just right, the predictive algorithm decodes just so, and it is as if you are reading a response written by your closest friend, favorite author, genius brother-in-law. If you get enough of these moments in a row, it can seem like a flash of conscious awareness on the part of the machine. Like magic, a new entity seems to come into being through words and image put together in a truly creative way.  Through both word and image, the advancements in AI are explosive. Every week seems to bring a new, amazing outcome. For instance, check out the incredible output from the text-to-video AI model named Sora. This is just one example of many across domains and uses. It is hard to keep up.  Transformer Architecture LLMs, for the most part, work in a ‘transformer architecture’. Transformers (the “T” in ChatGPT, for instance) are a structure of encoders, which receive information - prompts from users and input from the dataset, and decoders, which impart information - responses from the model to the end user.  Imagine that on one side of an LLM there is a rising road that reaches all the way up to the top of a mountain. This road is called Encoder. On the other side, there is a descending road all the way to the bottom of the mountain. This road is called Decoder.  The Invisible Bridge The reason the road doesn’t have the same name from start to finish is because right at the top of the mountain, there is an enormous gap between the highest point of the Encoder road and the beginning of the descent down the Decoder road. People have told you to just drive across because the bridge between the Encoder road and the Decoder road is invisible, but is still there. 

No one knows who built the bridge. No one even knows, for that matter, why the bridge is there. Sometimes, in the middle of the invisible bridge, things go weird. You see things, hear things, read things that are not normal. Most of the time, though, things just cross over like a normal bridge over any other canyon or abyss.  This bridge is what we don’t know in AI systems. Something happens on the bridge between encoding and decoding that allows for an AI model to put things together in creative, structured ways that can defy explanation, in good ways and in not so good ways.  Liminal AI A lot of AI work, now that the internet has been ‘scraped’ for all knowledge, is the hard work of training AIs to discern misinformation from information, truth from fantasy. This is the work I do. So are thousands of people around the world. The other reason the work in AI is refocusing now is because no one really knows how these systems work.  The gap, the invisible bridge, between encoding and decoding is an unknown in-between, a liminal space where formerly binary systems, 1s and 0s acting as ‘yes’ and ‘no’ gates, are now probability matrices. This means the information is sometimes ‘yes’ and ‘no’ at the same time. The work an AI model does on the invisible bridge is…their own thing.  The transformers in AIs are like a black box, the phrase used in science for where things happen that we don’t fully understand. So a big part of the work in AI advancement and development is reverse-engineering why they do what they do and act like they do. The people who created AI are now spending a good portion of their time trying to figure out how their creation works.  How Does This Thing Work? Before everyone totally freaks out, it is worth remembering there are many things we have created or discovered that we do not understand why they work. Airplanes work, but it took a fair bit of time to really understand why. Electricity works, but it took a long time to understand what it actually does. Flight and electricity are actually incredibly complex operations, and the explanations confuse people. The fact that we have both in our daily lives doesn’t mean we understand what is happening.   My favorite is gravity: we know what gravity does and even how it acts. Based on our crude understanding of gravity, we can launch people into space, predict asteroids, and the orbits of planets. But what it is, where it is, why it is, is still a mystery.  Antibiotics are another one. For a long time, we knew that penicillin and other sulfur based antibiotics worked really well, but didn’t know why. We understand much more now. But even so, we can create them and even target them to specific bacteria, but there are whole aspects of why they work we still do not understand. We still take them, though, because their final effect is to kill the harmful bacteria making us sick.  We are currently in what is called the “psychedelic renaissance”, where research into psychedelic medicines is exploding. The great secret of psychedelics is the same as AI. We know, for instance, what psilocybin (magic mushrooms) does right up to the point it interacts with serotonin receptors in the brain and body. And then we know very little. They appear to help with all kinds of mental health issues, and are powerful agents for creativity and insight. Therein lies the mystery. Like gravity, we know what psychedelics do, but really don’t know why they do what they do.  More Questions Mean The Right Path Each of these examples, however, are the essence of science. Answers in science are really only platforms for more and better questions. Answers in science are temporary and provisional. The formula of science is this: The more we know, the more we realize we don’t know. Discoveries are what lead to new discoveries. Even though computer science has been around for almost 200 years, we are now just at the beginning of this new aspect of artificial intelligence with transformers, encoder-decoder architecture, and the public participation in the technology.  The other secret to science, which should be public knowledge, is that good questions come from good evidence. And good answers build on good science. This is why trusting scientific experts when we don’t know the science leads us to better outcomes. By close observation and our own rigorous study, we learn to ask better questions of experts in their fields, rather than simply questioning expertise.  We go up a road, the creation of an artificial intelligence, and understand the construction and direction of the road pretty well. We come down the road in the proliferation of LLMs and chatbots and see how the thing works in practical application. But in between the road up and the road down, we have to cross the invisible bridge of the mountain we have built. AI is a technology that is exploding. This is where the new discoveries and possibilities wait. Let's ask really good questions about what we are doing with it. Read the full article

#AI #ArtificialIntelligence #Computers #Liminality

[antspaul]

writers ask game: 🍄 🦴 🍅 🪲

🍄 ⇢ share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings

hmm lemme think… okay so it didn’t make it into the ange/madders fic i wrote but ben and i talked about this once. i think that poch/kane did happen in that universe, and ange and madders have sort of heard whispers about it in the dressing room. not that they know any of the details, but they can kind of read between the lines — like they’ve heard about how poch took a special interest in H, how it affected h when poch left the club, how h would feel about ange had he stayed at the club… i think poch & kane kind of haunt tottenham and their absence would be felt even by people who had never known them there

🦴 ⇢ is there a piece of media that inspires your writing? 

ooooo there’s a lot! obviously i’m out here writing fic LOL which is inherently derivative, but i’ll list a few pieces of media with writing that i aspire to:

Succession has such beautiful character writing and has made me think a lot about where i start and end a story, the difference between a which conflict guides the narrative and which conflict guides the characters in-universe (idk if that makes sense, happy to elaborate elsewhere), and the realism that humor adds to a story

I’ve read a couple of Ann Patchett’s books recently and i LOVE the way she constructs such intricate fascinating character relationships. In her books you rarely spend much time with any one character or place, and yet the worlds she creates are SO complex and compelling

A while back I read Tom Stoppard’s play Arcadia which I’d seen a somewhat mediocre performance of yet loved anyways. Besides being a little strange but incredibly interesting, what struck me about Arcadia was how fun and engaging it was to read on paper! The dialogue conveyed subtext and emotion so well that it didn’t need dialogue tags or description or any of the other conventions of standard written prose. I sometimes catch myself getting really bogged down in making character body language not sound repetitive or something, when at times i think body language can be a bit distracting or jarring in text. Sometimes I’ll ask myself what i’d do if i had to convey everything i’m trying to convey without dialogue tags or body language or whatever and it helps!

🍅 ⇢ give yourself some constructive criticism on your own writing

truly i think my biggest weakness is how i write description - not so much character reflection but just literal description of a character’s physical surroundings. i feel like it often comes off somewhat flat and forced, idk. i’m definitely trying to pay more attention to this!! i don’t have an incredibly visual imagination so it definitely doesn’t come naturally to me, lol. i think part of the fix is to think critically about what a character would notice & also practice varying sentence structure and rhythm a bit? idk.

🪲 ⇢ add 50 words to your current wip and share the paragraph here

here's what i wrote! this character (ben chilwell) is in the depthsssss of a sexuality crisis atm hahahaha

Ben nearly ordered an actual drink but in the end he settled for a Coke, which he sipped idly at the bar counter, the aircon bringing a chill to his sun-warmed and sand-chapped body. The singles club were in the next room, laughing as loudly as ever. Their voices overlapped and echoed through the bar, and when Ben tried, he couldn’t make out what any of them were talking about.  It didn’t sound gay, Ben thought, though maybe he didn’t know what gay people sounded like in America. Maybe he didn’t know what they sounded like in England, either. He drank the Coke and closed his eyes.

Thank you for the ask Vida!!

Writers Truth & Dare Ask Game

#my fic #ask game

[rolling-restart]

For the ask game : 20, 35, 58, 74 😁

Hi dear!!! So nice to see you here!

20. Have you noticed any patterns in your fics? Words/expressions that appear a lot, themes, common settings, etc?

So, I was discussing this with a friend who has known me since my childhood and with her help and some self-reflection, I realise that 1. I love torturing perfectionist characters 2. I don't write 100% good guys, they always have skeletons in their closets 3. I over-describe the mental state and inner dialogue of the pov character. Language-wise, my usage of conjunctive adverbs like however skyrocketed but I think it's because I mostly wrote papers rather than fics recently. Finally, I feel like there is very little movement in, for example, a 3k words scene I write compared to other writers which is again connected to me over-describing!

35. What is one essential thing to remember when writing a villain?

I love this because my villains are my proudest creations! I think there are several points to address: 1. Make them multidimensional: A villain with no reason to be evil is boring and unconvincing. They need complex motivations and backgrounds. 2. Nobody believes they are a villain: Best villains I read and write are able to justify their actions to themselves. Regret can be a theme but no one commits an evil action without feeling entitled to it for one reason or other. 3. Don't romanticise them: When describing their motivations and justifications, it is easy to give the villain too much emotional space. If you are not aiming for a villain pov, dubious morals and you want your villain to be a convincing adversary, don't romanticise them. Your character might romanticise it but as a writer, you have the ability to describe actions and events in a more transparent way (unless you are experimenting with an unreliable narrator). I have so many thoughts about it because designing a villain is my FAVOURITE THING.

58. What part of the writing process do you enjoy the most? (Brainstorming, outlining, writing, editing, etc)

I'm aware we have very different styles with you and I am fascinated by your perfectionism.

I love brainstorming via feedback. When I don't receive feedback, the new product doesn't have the substance to emerge from. By brainstorming with my readers, I feel so so much better about my writing because it shows me the best side of creating: touching other people's minds.

I don't outline much but sometimes I write down pieces of concepts to make sure I remember to write the punchy bits. My peak performances usually happen in one sitting, uninterrupted for like 2 hours. I don't enjoy/hate this part because usually, I don't remember much of it. I read it twice before posting and correct the grammar as much as I can. I am unfortunately too impatient to have a beta or do serious editing and the 'editing' process takes between 30-45 mins, which is also my least favourite part.

74. You’ve posted a fic anonymously. How would someone be able to guess that you’d written it?

Hahaha so... I only posted 2 anon fics. My usage of the language and some sentence structures are very recognisable for native speakers who are familiar with my writing, or so I've heard. Another thing to look out for is the unique concepts I write about like Slave!verse and the extent that I write them. Obviously, dead dove: do not eat is another good point of suspicion :)

Thank you so much for asking these!!! I loved answering them!!

#answered asks #sunshinesebby

[felikatze]

11 for the video game ask meme

11. Do you prefer ‘blank slate’ main characters you make yourself or otherwise project onto, or characters with a set personality and backstory?

OH MAN. here's the thing. there's no such thing as a character without a personality. i ADORE blank slate protagonists beyond belief, for precisely one reason: i love digging for personality. i don't even project. my all time favorite in this genre of guy is of course the rider from monster hunter stories 2, whose character arc is the main crux of the game's plot, all told without speaking a word. you can project on them, yes, but rider still has their own complex inner feelings - their desire to live up to their grandfather, their fear and love for ratha - and they never speak. it fascinates me.

another excellent example is how people characterize the persona protagonists differently, even though they're all 'blank slates', so to speak. their available dialogue choices, their presentation and design; these things show a conistent personality.

it's also fascinating to examine modern FE protags under this lens, particularly the "My Unit" genre of lord. Robin obviously has their own personality. Their love for their friends and their inner conflict is largely uninfluenced by the player, outside of four choices, only one of which has consequences. the only way the player can project on them is through the pairing system - picking who robin marries - as well as their name and appearance. byleth, on the other hand, is a much more traditional blank slate, following the dialogue option formula. and yet, there is still a struggle all to themself. their silence is a character trait, and their lack of emotion is a deliberate writing choice. they have their own arc of opening up and learning to feel through helping their students. additionally, all the things that make them a blank slate are noticed by others! their silence is odd, their stare tense and unnerving. they also love their father, and fishing.

in the end, creating a character with no personality is impossible in a story. no matter what you do, everything is personality. how they move, how they attack, what kind of grunting noise they make when hit, what kind of minigames you can grind for hours, how other characters perceive them, their design, the witty quips for the player to pick - it just doesn't work.

however, my main experience here is explicitly with rpgs, as my examples easily show. there *are* games with a protagonist for you to craft yourself. immersive sims like deus ex, or skyrim. games with much more player freedom than ye olde standard rpg, which has to abide by ye olde standard story structure.

i *have* self made protagonists, particularly in pokemon games. nowadays, i tend to make up an oc on the spot and try to play the game as they would. it's a ton of fun, but i think, ultimately, i prefer characters with an established character. i just also like digging for it.

i probably wouldn't enjoy games much that require the player to make their own stories, since storytelling is one of the main draws of video games for me. i tend to get bored quickly otherwise, and prefer writing instead, if i'm already letting my own creativity loose.

that was a long answer, because i have many many feelings about supposed blank slate protagonists. a lot of people use the term to loosely. there's a difference between characters you can project onto, and characters meant to *represent* you. eh.

#Feli gets asked #and of COURSE i bring up robin #does mark know the impact they had on the entire series going forward

[bodyalive]

I’ve been doing NMR “sessions” with a client who has a fairly severe lifelong scoliosis.  She is also a Sikh and a lifelong practitioner of Kundalini Yoga. She has been to all the “big Name” therapists who do Egoscue and Pilates and yoga and advanced bodywork etc.  I initially told her that I really wasn’t sure I could do much to help her but if she was game we would explore the possibilities of NMR and how that approach might put a different light on her situation. 

I’ve done 4 or 5 sessions with her, each has been utterly different and each session has involved and in-depth conversation about life, philosophy, experience, hardship etc.  We are both intense and word-y people so the convos are very interesting to both of us.

After the first few sessions I noticed that her hips were much more consistently level and without torque. Thus the musculature of her legs was more congruent right to left.  

In our dialogue we talk about what we are doing. Sometimes I start with flexors/extensors, other times I’m following spiral patterns from hip to opposite shoulder to neck and back down.  I’m pointing out movement vectors to her. Most clients might have a difficult time following what I am telling her but she is with me and because of her movement and meditation background, we can go into the implications of those vectors. That is, the twist from the right QL inhibiting the left QL becomes the L. sacrum overpowering and twisting the right sacrum and on up or down the line. 

At the end of today’s session [we were pursuing a rotational pattern beginning at the sacrum and ending at the right mastoid process] our conversation became one of “What is this work showing us?” My impression is that we are following movement patterns, i.e. imagining her body as it moves and compensates for a life long scoliosis.  We are imagining or modeling the ways her structure has “solved” the challenges of torsional stress and then following the various fulcrums that that imaginative exercise has set in motion. It’s very much using a body-in-motion set of ideas rather than a static model. 

For example, part of our conversation was her childhood, young adulthood spent playing piano at an intense level. So as she talked about this, i had the image of psoas and the scalenes having a reciprocal relationship.  We could call this my “intuition.” We could also hypothesize that as she talked about playing piano, the physical patterns used to play piano in the past were now “up” on the screen of her “mindfield” and I might take a peek if I were able.  

As I was tracking the conversation, the muscle testing and the feedback she gave me re: where we were in the body, ideas and a mental image of lines and vectors [like ley lines in the body] would overlay her body for me. This is not an unusual thing to happen in a session.  I rely a great deal on intuitive “hunches” in my sessions and it is one of the things that makes the session fun.

A lot of my clients are more defended, closed, difficult to read, take a lot of work to “open” them so to speak, so working with a wide open client is a real joy.

I am continuing to think about the idea of working “as if” the body is in motion. This is kind of an Alexander Technique idea where you have hands on a person as they are walking sitting dancing etc. In this case the body/person isn’t physically moving [except for small coached movement and movement associated with the muscle testing] but the work is looking for patterns that were set in place by motion.  The Rolfing image of blocks stacked on top of each other seems a partial truth about structure.  Yes we are looking at the person in stillness, but the patterns were put in place and held in place by motion and the arrested motion.  Acknowledgment of this seems to be valuable and a key to restoring a fluidity and ease that at some point was lost. 

It has long fascinated me that so many of my clients really enjoy NMR and gain benefit from it because of the interactive quality.  We are in a sense, dancing together.  They are being consulted.  Most people enjoy talking about themselves, and have come to us for feedback and help in seeing something that they may have missed.  So, like psychotherapy, our insights and the communication of those insights through our work have a lot of value for our clients.

The client I’ve been describing has said she sees lasting difference in her body and feels less “locked in” to patterns.  She feels she has greater choice in movement.  I submit that much of the benefit of body work is this sense of freedom, of greater choice, of being less locked into the past.  

#NMR #Jocelyn Olivier #Neuromuscular Reprogramming

[watching-pictures-move]

Movie Review | Murphy's Law (Thompson, 1986)

This review contains mild spoilers.

The title makes more sense when you remember that Golan and Globus had a habit of selling movies to distributors based on a cool title and poster and worrying about things like the actual premise and plot and other inconsequential details later. Because the movie as is has little to do with the concept of Murphy’s Law, except for the hero to clarify that the only Murphy’s Law he’s familiar with is the one that concerns him, his name being Jack Murphy. His version of the rule is very simple. “Don’t fuck with Jack Murphy.” This line resonated with me for two reasons. One, I once had a co-worker who frequently touted Murphy’s Law but clearly didn’t know what it was. He was also not, how you say, a top performer, and was an asshole to boot, so his misinterpretation of the law was merely one of several strikes against him. Two, the line is said by Charles Bronson in that classic Charles Bronson voice.

This is a mid-‘80s Charles Bronson vehicle directed by J. Lee Thompson, meaning that’s it’s sturdier than the ones directed by Michael Winner while offering similarly lizard-brained thrills. The premise here concerns Bronson being targeted for revenge by a serial killer he put away years ago and having to team up with a snot nosed teenage punk he finds himself attached to, somewhat literally, while generally pissing off the mob. Bronson and Thompson did a few collaborations in between that hit other notes, but this feels like a halfway point between 10 to Midnight and Kinjite: Forbidden Subjects, merging the serial killer plot of the former with the bifurcated structure of the latter. It is nowhere near as sleazy as either movie, as the murders here lack the ugly, sexualized dimensions of the former and doesn’t rub your face in the muck like the latter. It does share with those movies a queasy fascination with and contempt for what I suspect the filmmakers viewed as “aberrant” sexuality (which I suspect includes everything outside of missionary with the lights off and Bronson avoiding post-coital conversation so he go grab something from the fridge after). Bronson broods over the fact that his wife has become a stripper, and characters regularly trade homophobic insults. In addition to that, the only cop on the force who seems interested in holding Bronson accountable when he’s accused of murder turns out to be crooked. So there is something of a worldview running through these movies, one which might inspire a voting record that differs from mine.

I do think the movie is pretty engaging on the whole, as it finds ways to prod Bronson’s steeliness and even afford him some humour. Much of this comes from pairing him with Kathleen Wilhoite as a spunky teenaged car thief, who brings her usual charisma and does a great job of getting on his nerves but not necessarily ours, and aside from some unfortunate homophobia, has dialogue that evokes the kind of words a child uses before they’ve discovered actual cursing. (The most explicit phrases she uses are “jism breath” and “scrotum cheeks”.) And some of this comes from pitting him against a serial killer played with pleasing derangement by Carrie Snodgress, whose methods and meticulousness pose a genuine challenge for the more conventionally minded Bronson. And I think Thompson directs this with a certain assurance, and gets a good deal of suspense from the climax, a two-tiered stalk-and-slash style sequence that plays like if you mashed two slashers on top of each other and added firearms to boot.

#film #movie review #murphy's law #j. lee thompson

[veebs-hates-video-games]

Since the last post I've mostly been playing Xenoblade Chronicles: Definitive Edition, because I kept seeing posts about stuff from XC1 and hadn't played it since the Wii version. Now there's a game that's still great. Also a couple other things I just started, but those can wait until I'm further in them to get their own posts.

What actually prompted this though was Subnautica finally going on sale for $10 again instead of various higher prices it's been for a while now. Steam tried to warn me by pointing out that I deliberately blocked the tags "open world survival craft" and "survival horror", but it can't save me from myself. Subnautica got grandfathered in when I made the decision to stop pretending I might like games like that because enough people managed to sell me on the atmosphere and general vibes before that.

Well, turns out I still don't like survival crafting games, whether they're Subnautica or No Man's Sky or Don't Starve or whatever other ones are almost universally acknowledged to be both very good and very popular.

I knew things were off to a good start when I found the text speed slider in the settings. I adjusted it to match my reading speed, which is significantly faster than the default, and then I discovered that that wasn't a good idea. If the subtitles are specifically for the spoken dialogue, just time the subtitles to the dialogue and be done with it. Changing the speed just makes them go away faster, like three words into a sentence that's still being read for a while with no text on the screen, which seems both unintuitive and not useful. Maybe there's some situation where someone would want that, but I can't think of it (possibly because I only have minor hearing problems and am somewhat out of the loop with what actual deaf people prefer?).

Anyway, the game seemed desperate to not give me any information on anything, or to tell me what to do, or to tell me what I even could do or how. That's in theory fine when the entire point of the game is exploration and discovery, but at least give me an initial shove in a direction. It did vaguely hint at stuff, but for like 45 minutes I just felt like every time I tried to follow up on some vague suggestion it just led to a whole bunch of stuff I had no way to interact with or stuff that killed me. Sometimes both if I was lucky.

If you want me to want to explore stuff, maybe reward my exploration? Maybe I just consistently picked the wrong way to go for most of an hour, but I just kept finding a whole lot of nothing I could do anything with. I joked on Discord that maybe in another 20 minutes I'd find a second piece of copper ore and could finally make something useful...and then it did actually take that long somehow. I found lots of sea life and random wreckage, but with zero way to interact with any of it it might as well have been completely inert or not there at all.

By like an hour and a half I was ready to give up and had lost interest, but in the process it also kind of made me want to stop pretending I'm going to go back to Outer Wilds and finish it and just uninstall that along with Subnautica too. Totally different kind of game, but I find the progression in it frustrating too after a point. In survival games I feel like I'm wasting so much time just surviving and not actually making a lot of meaningful forward progress on building up my character or abilities or tools or exploring the world or anything, while at maybe halfway through Outer Wilds I was starting to get a similar feeling from spending so much of my time doing the same stuff over and over again to make relatively small progress because there's no way to just skip directly back to where I was. Absolutely fascinating game and world, but the fundamental structure of it just makes some stuff feel really tedious for me.

And thinking about all that made me realize it's a lot of the same stuff that makes me not get along with Breath of the Wild either. Other Zelda games, even the original that BotW is supposedly trying to get back to, generally have a particular kind of consistent progression in them. No matter where you're going and what you're doing, you're still finding new parts of the world and new ways to interact with the world. Each new item you get opens up possibilities for how to interact with the world and solve problems, both in terms of puzzles and combat. BotW gives you nearly all your tools in the tutorial, and then the entire rest of the game has extremely minimal of that sort of progression. You don't keep getting new tools every couple hours, and with the constantly breaking weapons you don't even get a consistent stream of upgrades there either. Unlike most other Zelda games it really just felt like I was treading water and never being rewarded with new ways of playing the game, and for me that kinda sucks.

I can happily spend far too many hours playing a Warriors/Musou game, sometimes even when the overall rate of progression is slower than in games like these, because it always feels like I am progressing no matter what. It's just really unsatisfying to me to have this constant backward movement that I have to spend 80% of my time in the game compensating for.

Anyway, thanks Subnautica for being the last game on my list in this genre and for me finally accepting and acknowledging that I never have to play stuff like this again even if everyone else I know likes it. Now I can go back to silently dreading that Tears of the Kingdom, the next game in one of my favorite series, won't change any of those things from BotW at all.

#subnautica

[from-our-boxes]

Freshman at a Graduate Critique

by Anissa Wheeler-White

Fall semester of 2021, I decided to go to the graduate critiques. I was a guest in the space of people who are working artists who have had art in galleries and other creative realms. Since this is in an academic setting with a time constraint, artists may have work-in-progress or unfinished ideas. Thus, I would describe it as a critique of works still in motion even when finished pieces are present in the space. Talking with graduate students, they shared that they take other classes such as art history and seminar requirements. Their academic path is structured around advising while the final critique acts as a check-in.

The critiques take place in a shared space which happens to be in the same area as the graduate student studios. There is no typical large room, four white walls, perfect installation type of setting. The critique is in an open room but not a stereotypical gallery space. You can hear people working, talking in studios, and coming in and out of the room. I believe this setting makes the critique appear less intimidating and not as weighty as it can come off as. However, I do not think that it does the work justice even if it is in an academic setting used for a check-in with the artist. The amount of care and effort put into these pieces, I believe, deserves a better environment and space to equate to the artistry displayed. In the book, Thinking About Exhibitions, Rosalind E.Krauss’ chapter “Postmodernism’s Museum Without Walls” discusses Mies van der Rohe’s idea of ‘universal space.’ This 'universal space' is described as a “massive, neutral enclosure, the space is a function of its structure.” (242) Maybe I, like many, have become accustomed to this “neutral enclosure” to the point where I do not feel satisfied with art displayed in such an open, active space such as the one used in the graduate critiques. This very elitist setting for art to rest in has been debated and resisted, but how do you control space so it doesn’t take away or remove the focus from the art? Is the setting a part of the art? Questions will continue to arise yet I still found myself discontent with the critique space even though it was in an institutional setting.

Before the evaluation starts, the artist has the option to say a few words about their body of work before receiving critique. On the other hand, they can opt for a “cold read” where they do not give any explanation or context about their pieces. It is truly fascinating how artists describe their body of work as if they were reciting an artist's statement. In the room, there are six judges consisting of professors from different departments, with the critique lasting an hour to even two hours long. When opting to explain your body of work, the judges may ask a series of questions that begin to analyze and pick apart the explanation. During the hour, there was constant conversation and dialogue, sometimes even disagreements. They would pick apart the small details and start asking those “How?” and “Why?” questions to challenge the artist’s thought process and method of creating. The judges were vocal, equipped with an extensive artistic vocabulary, and viewed the art with seasoned eyes. Judges even ask about the choices behind the installation. Essentially they can be your worst nightmare or the catalyst for improvement. The formal and technical aspects were not discussed as extensively as the concepts, ideas, and meanings. It made me wonder if that was because art is inherently subjective, and you cannot judge an artist solely based on skill when there are so many different styles that do not emphasize the skill of an artist. Also, the judges consistently referenced art history canons, motifs, various contemporary artists, and even writers. That would explain why each panel of judges consisted of people from different departments so the artist receives feedback from people in different areas of the arts.

Each artist had someone transcribing and taking notes from their critique to look back and refer to later. I am assuming this is so the artist can focus and continue engaging in dialogue with the panelists. They pushed back on the artist, asked questions, and delivered a well-rounded critique. Admittedly, this did not happen every time, but I finally saw what it could be like being critiqued as a professional, and I met some exceptional graduate students and professors. The critiques sometimes confused me, sometimes it made me think, and other times it left me unsatisfied and disappointed with the direction of the conversation. Though that is how giving an honest opinion works, you will not always agree or be interested in what is said.

In the Oxford English Dictionary, a critique is defined in various ways. The definitions that stand out for someone new to experiencing critiques are: “The art or practice of analyzing, evaluating, and commenting on the qualities and character of something” and “an act or instance of passing judgment on, or expressing a harsh or unfavorable opinion of, a person or thing.” I have found the act and venture of receiving or giving critique is a personal, intimate experience for the artist and the audience.

Artists have been receiving criticism longer than we can imagine, and to be in a time where the idea of what art is has become so flexible. I can imagine that centuries ago, someone's career relied on criticism from influential people, but it transitioned to art created in opposition to these rigid, career staking critiques. Ironically, I created a video for a final project, mocking critique. It was startling for people to see their behaviors thrown back at them. With this in mind, I plan to continue attending these critiques and researching how to give and receive critiques for a body of work while also comparing how they happen in an academic setting compared to a non-academic setting.

Works Cited

"critique, n." OED Online, Oxford University Press, March 2022, www.oed.com/view/Entry/44607. Accessed 14 May 2022.

Ferguson, B.W., Greenberg, R., & Nairne, S. (1996). Thinking About Exhibitions (1st ed.). Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9780203991534

[fanficwritersinterviewed]

ITWW, spqr

<<This post is a part of a longer conversation about fanfic writers, how they view fanfic, and their writing process. All views are the fanfic writers’ own, and whatever fanfic they choose to write is entirely their own decision. No judgment value will be placed on fic content. These conversations are meant to provide insight for other fanfic writers in whatever stage they are at in their writing life.>>

In the Weeds Wednesday (with spqr, @andthepeople​ )

When you write a fic, how does it start, how does it progress? It very much depends. Usually the spirit moves me and I sit down and I stand up when the fic is written. This is how most of my fics have been written. Sometimes I have, like, a scattering of handwritten vibe notes. Sometimes I just have a feeling? Sometimes I will write an extremely detailed 5k introduction and decide the rest of the story isn't worth writing because at that pace it would take me like two years to finish. Sometimes I will write and delete the same 100 word paragraph a few times and give up. Sometimes I'll pick up 500 words I wrote three years ago and turn it into a full-fledged fic. I have never been very structured or consistent with how I write fic. It's supposed to be fun! I stay loose. Livin la vida loca, etc etc

And to be clear. You are being fairly literal when you say you sit and only get up when the story is done. You tend to write your fic in one fell swoop. Yes when it's physically possible. Like "who carried the hill" took me a couple days. I did sleep, but I had no plan for what I was writing and I just ripped it out. Same with “Good Idea.”

If you're in the right place for it, how many words can you get down in one session? Well if I go like 12 hours I can do 10k. That's about my limit. I can feel the carpal tunnel breathing down my neck.

Ha! I feel it for you. Okay, so. Outlines? No.

How???? Just start writing and write in a circle. That's what I always say. You want to start your POV character at "home"--at a state of being which is familiar to them. And then you want to write them as far away from home as you can--good or bad. Usually in the case of fic it's good, which is backwards from other media.

So if I can use my own fic as an example, with "who carried the hill," you have Din, who is used to being alone and taking care of himself ("home"), who falls in love with Luke and becomes one half of a whole. For him this is far from home, because it's far from what he's used to. Then at the end you want to write your POV character back home, but the important thing is that they've changed along the way, hero's journey etc etc. so they return to home but they aren't the same, so neither is "home." Din has realized that he can be his own person and still have Luke--they can exist together while still being separate. And of course you want to put them through hell along the way. In shorter fic you can often get away with just doing this in dialogue or in prose--with a callback. Hit it three times, slightly different or opposite in the middle, and you're golden.

Ah yes. You are the master of making my heart ache. You want to talk a bit about this "hell" you put characters through? Well hell is the spice of life, as they say. All fiction needs conflict-- thus the hell-- and as in Dante's “Inferno,” hell should be personalized!

Research. I know you talked about how you're mostly made up of vibes and organic progression but let's talk about "down to a sunless sea" What was the research process like for that? (Also, talk about a personal hell. You set that AU up and then dragged them through all kinds of personalized hell.) Hahahahahahahahahaha. Well I have always been fascinated with/terrified by cave diving so I had most of that info ready to go. I tend to read a lot about what scares me. Generally in terms of research I'll look up what I need to as I write. If wookieepedia counts as research I do occasionally pop over there. Also I'll only look up stuff that's A) pertinent to the story, B) something I'd expect the layman to know.

What’s the hardest thing you've ever attempted with a fic, and why was it difficult? We must speak of my orphaned Reylo (Rey/Kylo Ren) fic.

Let’s! Basically, as an experiment, I wanted to see if I could "prove the hypothesis" of Reylo. Which sounds very pretentious, I am aware. I don't really read much Reylo because the tropes that that pairing ventures into aren't usually my speed, but I think Rey and Ben are both interesting theoretical proposals for characters, who were never really fleshed out. And who were done dirty by “Rise of Skywalker.” So I wanted to see if I could both A) infuse them with personalities, and B) make those personalities fall in love. (Also I love writing women, and it pains me that Rey, the female character at the head of a multi-billion dollar franchise, is so one-dimensional.) I had fun writing the fic, it was a good exercise, but it was ultimately doomed by a savage combination of no one who reads my writing liking Reylo and no one who likes Reylo wanting to read characters written radically different from the fanon versions. No one's fault but my own!

Okay, but I think that leads well into something I find fascinating about the way you write: you take a ton of risks in your stories. Like, super off the wall ideas that you completely commit to. Are you ever afraid to write something because you worry what people will think? Yeah I mean I definitely want people to like my writing, but at least for me, I like reading crazy bananas shit, so I assume there are other people out there who also want to read crazy bananas shit. And with most fic, you've only got like 5k? 8k? words to get in and leave an impression and get out, so you have to go big! Shock and awe! "Shock and awe (technically known as rapid dominance) is a tactic based on the use of overwhelming power and spectacular displays of force to paralyze the enemy's perception of the battlefield and destroy their will to fight."

Bam. You are educating us all and this IS an educational blog so. Nailed it. Have you ever dealt with backlash and what impact did it have on you? I have, for sure. I have pretty thick skin, I think. It doesn't really phase me unless people start attacking me, like, morally? Like accusing me of immorality, as if they have not clicked on my fic with full knowledge of the tags???? If that really gets going I'll just take the fic down. In my opinion it's not worth it to fight it out. But it never really affects my desire to write.

Take down as in delete? Yeah.

Let's talk about those poor orphans out there. What leads you to orphaning a fic? Genuinely it's when I don't like it. If it's keeping me up at night thinking about how much I don't like it, I will get up at 2 in the morning and orphan it and then I will go back to sleep.

And it's all about you and how you feel. Because you've orphaned a fic with 10k kudos, so it's not about popularity or reception of a fic. Yeah. That fic belongs to God and the people now. Jesus take the wheel, etc.

How do you know an idea is worth following and when do you know it's time to let it go? Honestly it's usually what I'm enjoying writing. If I'm not enjoying it or I feel like it's not turning into something I'll be proud of, I'll put it in the garbage. Or post it and immediately orphan it. Part of it is also how far along I am. If I've got 10k/15k written I'm more likely to slog through to the bitter end, versus 1k/15k. The mentality being that I've already put in most of the effort, so I might as well.

Is that why you write fanfic? The enjoyment of writing it? I think I write half for enjoyment, and half because it's the only medium where you really get to connect directly to the audience. By which I mean, there's no publisher or editor or any sort of barrier between what you're trying to say and the people you're trying to say it to. My favorite kind of comment to get is when people accuse me of telepathy--how did you know exactly what I felt, etc etc. it's because I felt it too, and for me that's very comforting, that sense of total understanding, however momentary, with some complete stranger on the internet. And the sense of community you get from knowing you hurt for the same reasons.

#fanfic writers interviewed #in the weeds wednesday #spqr #fanfic #fanfic writing #fandom

[heniareth]

Hello fren :) :) :) If I can do the "yet another writing ask": 33 (feel free to do this one as many times as you like :D :D ), 40, and 12? Whichever of these you like :D Hope you're having a great day!

Hello friend!!! It's great to see you XD XD XD I am very very keen on answering this ask bc you've sent in beautiful questions and I'm excited, so let's go!! Under the cut because the languages question got long XD I like languages

12. If you write in more than one language, what’s the difference?

I mostly write in English, but I have written in Spanish and in German as well :D Language makes a huge difference: for one, everything I don't write in English sounds a bit clunky in terms of word choice, expressions and sometimes even sentence structure. Because the movies I watch and the books I read are almost exclusively in English, I have very little reference as to what good dialogue or action is like in Spanish or in German. I also have way less practice XD

Added to that, my writing in Spanish sometimes feels like it's coming from a younger me because it's been some time since I've worked on it, and my writing in German would probably lean heavily on the German translations of Astrid Lindgren's books, which are the most prominent reference I have for writing in this language XD I imagine they'd take on some if the whimsical qualities of those stories, which might be something to try out, now that I think of it.

I have much more connection to German as a written language than to Spanish, even though I've written more in Spanish than in German. I also love the way you can combine words in German to create entirely new concepts. It opens fascinating avenues for worldbuilding (and is probably a nightmare to translate later on XD XD XD)

33. Give your writing a compliment.

Why, gladly! :D You spoil me with this ask and I'm excited XD

I like the way Astala is developing, especially because she is clearly flawed and suffers from the consequences, but without it becoming annoying (I think)

I like the way I incorporate details and lend them narrative significance. I like how those details inform the world and impact both characters and plot

Finally, I like how I've been handling emotions, especially pain, rage and grief, in Astala's story (there are a lot of them). I think I've done good work curbing any melodrama and allowing the emotional scenes to be impactful, not ridiculous. Emotional scenes with the emotions mentioned above tend to be more troublesome for me than others, and I'm proud of the ones I've written so far XD

40. Write a 9-word fic.

My friend, brevity might be the measure of wit, but my wit tends to be a long ambling road rather than a teleportation device to reach the point XD XD XD You know how much I love to explore the scene scenery while writing walking. This will therefore be excellent practice

Now, let's see...

"The tower collapsed. Zevran jumped and caught Astala's hand."

How's that? :D Will they make it out alright? Who knows! I tried to introduce the tiniest narrative arc here (problem + action + possible solution?). I didn't know I could to that in 9 words

Thank you very very much for these questions! They've made for an enjoyable time this evening. I hope you're having a lovely day as well! Cheers!

These asks come from this Writing ask game

#ask game #for fun #about my writings

[iturbide]

What do you think could have been done to improve 3H? Given the budget/time, what changes would you have done? Also, what elements do you consider KEY to a good story?

fffffff I would have done so many things differently in 3H it requires a read more but to your second question: I feel that characters are a key element of a good story. Possibly the most crucial element, to me. You can have the most epic, incredible plot in the world -- but if the characters taking part in it aren't interesting or able to engage the reader, then the story loses a huge part of its impact. It's only by caring about the people taking part that a reader can get invested in the story and its outcome; if you don't care about what happens to someone (either in a good or a bad way) then you're at best apathetic to the events, at worst bored by them.

Frankly everything else in a story -- narrative structure, conflict, etc -- is so malleable that I can't consider it key. You can easily make stories that have no classic conflict if you have characters that people care about, because just watching them interact with the world and each other can be beautifully engaging. So at least to me, the key is in the characters: whether you love them and want them to succeed or love to hate them and want to see them get their just desserts, they're the ones that do the heavy lifting in a story, so making sure they're compelling is one of the most important things to me when writing.

As for 3H though I have a lot of changes I would make. Throughout the whole game.

Academy Phase

Giving each House their own unique set of missions. I feel that part of why the Azure Moon route is considered so strong is because it's the most character driven, something that starts in the Academy Phase: everything from Lonato's rebellion to Miklan's theft of the Gautier Relic are highly personal to the Blue Lions students, with Ashe being Lonato's adoptive son and Miklan being Sylvain's estranged older brother (and someone who's well-known to Dimitri, Felix, and Ingrid on top of it). While these are both important events, for the Black Eagles and the Golden Deer there's not the same level of personal engagement: it's just a thing that's happening rather than a devastating blow to the students we love. While there are certainly missions that can and should stay the same (the raid on Seiros' tomb, Flayn's kidnapping, the Remire incident, etc.) having select missions be personalized by House to give that same level of engagement would have made for a far stronger narrative, since it enhances the player's connection with the students of their chosen House.

Just as an example: for the Black Eagles, rather than putting down Lonato's rebellion, maybe have their mission be aiding a small sect of the Church in the Empire that's being plagued by monsters or bandits. It gives us the chance to learn more of the history between the Church of Seiros and the Adrestian Empire, how close they were and how it fell apart a century before the game; Rhea might explain that she wants to improve these failing relations by having Imperial students go to aid this disconnected branch, and in private Edelgard could hint at her distrust of the institution and of Rhea herself even if she is following orders. Not only that, we could hear on returning that the Blue Lions students accompanied the Knights of Seiros in dealing with Lonato's rebellion, so we still get the fallout from those events and have a reason to choose the Blue Lions in another run.

Another example: for the Golden Deer, rather than going after Miklan and witnessing his transformation, maybe a report arrives that someone stole Failnaught and task the Alliance students with retrieving it. It lets us learn more about the situation in the Alliance, giving more details about Duke Oswald's situation, Claude's appointment as the heir to the Riegan House...and while he would never do it personally, have there be subtle implications but no hard proof that Duke Gloucester is behind the theft, just as he was the death of Claude's Uncle; on top of that, we could still get a battle against a Black Beast when Failnaught transforms the bandit, giving Claude a very personal look at how dangerous these Relics can be (something he likely wouldn't have had deep insight into, given his Almyran roots). And again, on returning to the monastery we could see the Blue Lions dealing with the fallout from Miklan.

More interaction between the House Leaders in general. There are only a handful of scenes where all three of them interact together, and I can only think of one instance where they're even in each other's company at the monastery (Claude and Dimitri in one of the early chapters). Having more of these moments where they're apparently interacting on the grounds or where we can see them together in cutscenes, giving us more insight into the leaders of the other Houses we didn't pick, would give us a lot more investment in them as people and make the eventual revelations at the end of the Academy Phase hit a lot harder.

Especially with Claude's ambition being what it is, it would have been a far better show of his character to have him hanging out with different students every month -- not just from his own House like Hilda, but from other Houses. Have him be talking with Petra in the dining hall one month, or with Annette at the reception hall another; if you sided with the Black Eagles or the Blue Lions, it would be very easy to suspect that he's up to tricks and trying to figure out individual weaknesses...but if you picked the Golden Deer, you'd likely realize very quickly that he's got no ulterior motives because you've been seeing him in action and getting Supports with him.

More Supports period. We were robbed of some fascinating interactions, like Ashe and Dorothea or Dedue and Petra, and some really strong Support chains stop before they reach their full potential (several Sylvain supports, including Marianne and Bernadetta). I want to see so many more of these and I would add in a ton if given half an opportunity.

Giving Byleth more agency. This bleeds over into the War Phase, too, but one of my biggest complaints about the game is how limited the response options are, especially when it comes to Edelgard and her frightening rhetoric as early as chapter 3. Give us more options with real varied outcomes, rather than it changing one immediate line of dialogue; give us real dialogue trees rather than minutely altered responses so that we have an opportunity to affect change. This runs the risk of drastically altering Byleth's relationship with the various House Leaders, but that potential is undeniably fascinating in and of itself.

War Phase

Azure Moon: Make Dimitri's turn more gradual. Show him grappling with Rodrigue's words more, have more scenes where he and Byleth talk and he tries to work through his understandably complicated feelings. It doesn't even have to take that much longer, honestly: every week for the next month, give us an extra cutscene and let there be a small change in how you can interact with him. For example, maybe he still doesn't attend the round table in the first week, but you do have the option of assigning him to a task around the monastery; in the second week if you explore, you have the option to invite him to a meal; in the third week he finally attends the roundtable and you're able to work on his skills again; and in the fourth week his supports finally unlock.

Azure Moon: Make Claude recruitable. Don't have him leave Failnaught and go waltzing back to Almyra, have him actually head up the Alliance in this time of need and volunteer to join forces with the Kingdom forces. You can have the option of turning him down, if you really want, at which point he might leave Lorenz in charge and go back home, but give us the option of bringing him on board along with any other former Deer that fought with him at Derdriu -- and furthermore, let us have some supports with Dedue and Dimitri to go with it. Ideally those Support chains would be available in the Academy phase and maybe you'd have the recruitment option only if Dimitr's Support level with Claude is at least a B (since you can get to A during the Academy Phase but not unlock it until the War Phase as I experienced many times). But still: Claude recruitment. Yes.

Verdant Wind: Make Dimitri recruitable. Having him die offscreen after Gronder is absolutely terrible, especially since we know for a fact that at least two people from the Alliance army saw what was either going to happen or directly happening. At the end of the battle, give us an option of going after Dimitri: if you choose not to, he still dies, but if you do you have the opportunity to save him and recruit any other former Lions with him. As abve, Supports between Claude and Dimitri would be great, and you could even keep Dimitri's Supports locked for a while and include scenes of Byleth and/or Claude and Dimitri talking and working with him until he starts turning around the way he does in Azure Moon. Dimitri's death in Verdant Wind is a travesty and it needs to be changed.

Verdant Wind: More character stuff in general. One of the things that makes Azure Moon such a strong route is that it's so deeply character-driven. Verdant Wind is much more plot-driven, and while it's still strong, it could have been more impactful if the characters were more directly affected and/or we got to see more of their individual actions. For instance: after securing Myrddin, have weekly missions where you actually go along and meet with the Great Lords and discuss with them before the final round table. Have Byleth and Claude go with Lorenz to talk to Count Gloucester and try to get his buy-in, and give us more dialogue trees where Byleth can contribute (for better or for worse) so that in the end you either get his full agreement or only grudging consideration because Lorenz intervenes. Get us engaged, show us more of the situation in the Alliance, and let us have a role in moving from this uneasy state of neutrality to full agreement that it's time to take action.

Silver Snow: A unique story in general. Basically everything in the route is a weaker copy of the events in Verdant Wind, and regardless of which came first, Verdant Wind handles the events in a way that makes more logical and narrative sense than Silver Snow does. So even if things could be changed in Verdant Wind to make it stronger and more unique, Silver Snow needs the most work and ideally should have a new plot made just for them that gives the Knights of Seiros a chance to really shine.

Silver Snow: More for Seteth to do period. Despite the fact that he's ostensibly our Lord stand-in for the route (since he's the one who meets you after the timeskip, where it's either Claude, Dimitri, or Edelgard who does in the other routes), he barely has a chance to do anything and doesn't make much of an impact on the route overall. Silver Snow could -- and ostensibly should -- give him a chance to showcase his talents and stand as a unique and engaging character, since his role in the Academy Phase was so minor; relegating him to the same general role in Silver Snow does him a great injustice.

Crimson Flower: Have Edelgard suffer consequences. This is one of my biggest complaints with the game on the whole: that Crimson Flower goes out of is way to glorify imperialism and Edelgard gets a rosy perfect ending with nothing ever going wrong according to her endcards. Logically the way she achieved her goal would have led to massive dissent, unrest, and civil conflict in the territories she conquered and subjugated; her route needs to show that, and make it clear that there are in fact consequences for her actions, both within the original Adrestian territry and without in the newly conquered ones.

Crimson Flower: Deal with the damn Agarthans. Given that she knows about them in detail the way neither of her fellow House Lords did, it's an absolute travesty that we never saw her go after them in her route: all she did was show her hand too early and cause hundreds of senseless deaths when the Agarthans fired on Arianrhod. Her route should have ended with a conflict against the Agarthan menace -- and likely a very hard one, harder even than the battle against Rhea, because she left them for too long and gave them time to bolster their defenses before she arrived. And given that she's killed Rhea, the end of that conflict would likely be a massive loss of life when Thales bombs Shambhala -- further consequences for her actions.

All Routes: Give Byleth agency. This is especially pertinent in CF where canon reduced Byleth to Edelgard's enabler: give them a chance to fight her, push back against things that either don't make sense or are only going to hurt people, argue and maybe force her to change her mind or see another viewpoint rather than continuing to barrel down a path of bloodshed and loss because she selfishly decided that war was the only way. But giving Byleth that same agency in other routes would be equally powerful: let them talk candidly with Dimitri, let them encourage Claude to trust his companions and reveal his Almyran heritage, just...let them have a chance to be their own person, with complicated relationships and the ability to speak freely.

#answered #21stcenturyhero #fire emblem: three houses #look i enjoy 3h a lot #but it's also kind of a mess when you think about it #these are just the immediate changes that come to mind #there are probably more improvements that could be made #but these are a good start #and would have made a much stronger game #at least in my opinion

[redstaratmorning]

Headcanons and Musings of Pirate-y And Plunderous Proportions: Astarion Says What

Synopsis: Random musings and ramblings regarding and spawning from the differences between how Astarion says just one word, depending on your choices—“What?” This got very long and touches not only on Astarion’s difference in presentation in aforementioned moment, but also some discussion-thoughts to chuck onto the dashboard regarding some other elements of Astarion’s content thus far in Early Access, and some thoughts to add onto others’ speculations and wonderings (I did not save sources so pardon the lack of proper citation, oops. We’re going informal here anyway.) Spoilers for Chapter 1 BG3 scenes, plot, etc, under the cut in case someone hasn’t filtered out the tags. Trigger warning/content warning: some discussion of heavy topics is mentioned and explored, including starvation, abuse/torture, and trauma. Other topics of note for summarization include speculation on Astarion’s largely unknown as-of-early-access background and a touch of his possible pre-vampire morality leanings, possible mental state/trauma reaction in a couple of scenes, and vague speculation on Larian’s gameplan for Astarion’s arc ending. Gather thy party and venture forward, for here be dragons and lots o’ text, matey! [/stereotypical pirate accent]

“What?” Just that one word, between the goblin party and the tiefling party. If Larian keeps the body language and tone presentation more or less where it’s at now in Early Access, they are worlds apart and delightfully up for interpretation of just what’s going on in our favorite vampire spawn’s head. This won’t be an in-depth post about all the tonal and body language differences, just picking out a few due to personal constraints (ie too broke to buy this game currently.) Edit: And also a lot of other thoughts and ramblings tacked on, lol. On the one hand we have him at the goblin party, where he seems much more superficially comfortable there, knows what’s going on and knows what to expect—it feels like he’s done this kind of scene a hundred times before. The comfort of familiarity. Did Cazador throw “parties”, much like how he “invited” Astarion to dine with him? I wouldn’t be surprised if he mingled at regular dinner parties either before his turning, or perhaps after when he’s ordered to hunt for Cazador’s evening repast. I doubt the goblin party has anything as potentially horrific as what Cazador would have lined up on the nightly basis, which is why Astarion isn’t aggro’d: he’s in a position of power at this party after all, not a powerless one. A conquering hero, as he describes the MC. A Precarious position, as it turns out.

Circling back to that one word though, the way he says “what” in that scene after he propositions the MC and the MC picks the “Maybe. If you say please” line feels like Astarion’s response could be interpreted as pretty abrupt. On guard, perhaps, squaring up, offended, even perhaps lowkey challenging/hostile. Expressing social displeasure and possibly staring down the MC mayhaps? Could be, especially if Astarion’s body language remains as it is rigged now in-scene with that step forward, his shoulders shifting, the lack of a smile, that assessing glare, all combined with that flat tone of voice. The animation could just be temporary and subject to change, but if it does end up as more or less the final version of that moment’s depiction, it’s pretty interesting as a shift. I’d read it as potentially “not actually truly comfortable in this situation, just familiar and numb to it all”, especially when combined with some of his other earlier potential lines at the goblin party, such as the following: Astarion: So, what are we drinking to? Other than a pile of corpses. MC: That’s not funny. Astarion: Oh don’t be so sour - It’s a party. You did what you had to. Don’t be ashamed that you did it well. MC: I wish things had turned out differently. Astarion: And I wish I was drinking out of the skulls of everyone who’s ever wronged me. Life is tough. Although that’s not to say we can’t have a little fun. This supports the whole “has been through his personal hell and has adapted to survive it albeit not unscathed” story Larian seems to be going for with him quite nicely in the little tells and details. A sort of “take what joy you can even amidst the dark situation surrounding us” trauma-induced adaptation, coupled together with actual enjoyment on his part for killing. It’d be easy to say Astarion is moreso in his element at the goblin party, and to a degree he is—it’s one he is well practiced with in his current mindset. Compare now how he acts at the tiefling party—we can all agree he’s not having a good time, our friendly neighborhood vampire sulking in particular over the fact that “there’s a worm in [his] brain, [he’s] surrounded by idiots, and all [he] has to drink is wine that tastes like vinegar.” But the delightful thing is he’s complaining so vividly about it. The wine likely is worse at the tiefling party, seeing as they’re refugees, and the goblins had previously captured a duke whom they likely stole loot from and under orders from Minthara et al stored said goods elsewhere for a later date (likely some of said goods were consumed at the party if it happened. Edit: Shadowheart’s drunk dialogue at the goblin party mentions the goblin’s wine there being good, poor dear. Fascinating hints at her story and character in that scene though.) This is assuming Astarion is drinking wine at the goblin party, of course. He may very well be drinking something red and full-bodied there, just not made from grapes. But even in his complaints and presentation, he seems arguably more relaxed and less on guard compared to his demeanor at the goblin party. Let’s be honest, he doesn’t view goblins as equals or stimulating company judging by his various voice lines expressing his disdain, distrust and overall low opinion of them as vermin among other things. The fact that he’s willing to call the tiefling refugees idiots while in earshot of them? Definitely doesn’t respect them as a group—though he has a less negatively opined line regarding them earlier on if the caged goblin (Sazza) is killed,—which is not surprising given that MC and company at the time of the party just saved them from certain death. Astarion’s reaction however also reads as potentially at ease enough to say what he’s thinking. He’s not going to get murdered for saying so, and there aren’t any punishing power games at play with the refugees and do-gooders he’s found himself surrounded by. There aren’t any hedonistic shenanigans going on and the drinks are terrible, so it’s not an entertaining party for him, but one could make an argument that Astarion might actually be feeling more secure or at least less threatened-as-is/was-his-accepted-ongoing-norm there. Which might mean he’s feeling quite out of place, or even just not...entirely engaged with what’s going on around him and even within him as far as emotional states go. Would he casually pull the same stunt at the goblin party? If you’re a bastard to him, yes, but that’s not in the same emotional vein as his dialogue during the tiefling party at all. Loyalty from the goblins is fickle, the goblins worship the Absolute and those that are chosen by the Absolute—so long as said Chosen remain powerful enough to subjugate them and is in favor. Astarion knows this kind of power structure well: ruling by fear and power. With the tieflings? It’s not superiors-and-subordinates, it’s just...people. People celebrating surviving an event that could’ve very well and most likely would’ve ended in their deaths. Will he get to celebrate like that one day? That could very well be a painful and bleak thing to consider, and not something he wants to contemplate as of yet, based on his dialogue lines that demonstrate his fear of Cazador. How’s he supposed to get lost in the fun and revelry if the wine doesn’t even taste good to him? I don’t know wines, but I’m guessing from what little I do know and what I’ve read of flavor descriptors for wines hyped as good, it might actually be bad wine based on the adjective “sharp” when mixed with the rest of the description if the MC takes a sip. Sharp seems to suggest too many tannins, or maybe improper storage so the wine actually did turn to taste a bit more like vinegar, or maybe not enough sugar in the grapes used, perhaps? To be fair, I do believe there’s a non-conversation line somewhere of Astarion’s regarding solid food tasting terrible to him, but I can’t verify that so a pinch of salt there. Still, if his taste buds are aligned with regular living mortal ones for wine at least, RIP Astarion, he’s stuck with a terrible drink for the foreseeable night. Unless, of course, you know. ;D Compared to the tieflings, the goblins as a whole? As a group they’re a scraped together army of pillagers hungry for destruction and spoils. They don’t have ANY loyalty to you—in addition to being willing to betray you via murder immediately despite working with them when Sazza first brings you back to meet Minthara, there’s also when Minthara potentially opts to try to kill you post-goblin-party. If you persuade her not to, Minthara does mention “do not return to the goblin camp, as far as they were concerned you were destined to die tonight.” This is not a group to get chummy with, obviously. Doesn’t say good things about the Absolute’s followers in general, either, or the Absolute depending on if Minthara’s being honest about the Absolute intending that the MC dies after razing the grove. Minthara could just be lying to serve her own ends and is out to destroy any rivals for the Absolute’s favor, after all, I can’t verify that from dialogue exploration at present. So it’s not surprising that this is not a group Astarion is going to let his guard down around I’m sure, or around an MC that sided with the goblins, because fortunes can shift like the wind in a scene like that, and I think his utter lack of surprise at Minthara trying to kill you all (whether or not the MC had a romp with her) is potentially spawned because he recognizes this fact. He’s been here before, in another time, another place, with different faces, but he’s seen this play before. And the MC is just another face for the same old role of a player in this rat race for power when they side with the goblins, aren’t they? The difference this time though is: will they succeed and make it to the top? Is Astarion betting on the winning horse, or not? Far less reason and far more motivation to not be emotionally invested in anyone or anything around him because it’s survival of the fittest, and the most ruthless will be the ones who win—the MC just reinforced that perspective for Astarion, in slaughtering the tieflings. But Astarion isn’t fully corrupted yet, despite however much Cazador has twisted and tormented him so. Isn’t it fascinating, that the MC, one of the first people Astarion can actually interact with relatively freely without Cazador’s puppeteering influence hanging over him quite so acutely, is someone who might very well and very likely will have a huge impact on how Astarion develops and sees the world? For better or for worse, the MC will shape all the companions’ futures and perspectives it seems, depending on their choices. On a meta note, isn’t that thrillingly fascinating and engaging work by Larian Studios? Bravo, honestly. Continuing, for Astarion this could very well just feel like a better but complimentary and thematically continuous segment of the nightmare that is his existence under Cazador as it goes on: he’s a vampire now, and the world is only ever a power struggle between the strong and the weak, and he knows better than to ever be weak again. Kindness and virtue belonged to Before. Before he died, before he turned, before he was taken. Those are things in stories and fairy tales now, that belong to other people, other places and times, other lives—things that belong to the living, not the undead. Sentimentality, more universally-accepted morality, all of those Good™-aligned or softer feelings can feel like they have no place in his world now, on this darker path. But he knows what they are, not just in theory I think, but also perhaps knowing from memory and experience, however distant and faint. The way he speaks on many occasions has subtext that could very well suggest he wasn’t without a better side through implication and emotion. Which is not to say I think he was a shining paragon of virtue before he died—guessing based off of the dev team’s writing of him so far, I’m expecting nuanced and complex but ultimately very human (or elf if you’re being fantasy-based technical) morality with both merits and flaws, for polarizing opinions in the fandom. That being said, I’m holding off judgment on what kind of person he was before he was turned for now despite reading about pre-early-access, preliminary ideas the dev team had for his background. The reason I’m waiting to see what the dev team puts into the game for his backstory of Before, is because some of his datamined lines could be taken in a couple of different ways, and some of his emotional responses as is currently don’t track as truly Machiavellian or I’d say malevolent in nature for manipulation or otherwise. Granted, not all Evil™ acts stem from intentions to be malevolent. Sometimes people do evil both in-game and in life without really intending to, or recognizing that they do, nor seeing the harm they have caused or will cause (I’m looking at you, Mayrina.) Manipulative yes, but so far it’s looked like it’s for defensive purposes in a world that is out to hurt or kill him if given any opportunity whatsoever. Personally I actually wouldn’t even say he’s been really manipulative at all, but your mileage may vary. He lies because he’s afraid you’re going to murder him for being a vampire, and because he doesn’t want to reveal the cause of two centuries’ worth of trauma to someone he just met and likely can’t predict if they’re emotionally safe for him to interact with. Note: “emotionally safe” does not necessarily denote being sympathetic here, so much as “will their response cause me pain in some fashion?” from Astarion’s point of view, which does not necessarily require the MC to be mean to him though obviously that wouldn’t help. We touch upon why sympathy can hurt later on in this essay. And why would he expect sympathy in the other instance, regarding revealing that he’s a vampire? How often would we not murder strange vampires we just met in DND-worlds? Is that not a common response and practice in Faerun for the most part? They’re on the list of acceptable prey for a monster hunter to be kidnapped and taken to who knows what fate (probably nothing good we’re sure), and who would come rescue them? In all actuality: No one. If he wasn’t a companion he’d easily just be one more random encounter to kill—as he and all the companions are in the right circumstances, *cough cough* like when sacrificing anyone to Boooal *cough.* Astarion’s had little cracked moments where he seems to be showing genuine vulnerability, and I’d say he likely displays real genuine emotion plenty of times, just not all the time. While the vulnerable moments could be a ploy, were he the type to actually be fully acting, I’m disinclined to bet that he’d act in the way he does during those moments if he planned them out or even improvised. It could be a mix of both, where it’s both true but also an act of manipulation. Were it the last option, that would require more exploration of his character in various situations to determine imo. I still doubt that though. I think he’s a little too raw and real in his pain, anger, and aggression to say he’s being malevolently manipulative at the end of the day, at least thus far in chapter one. The MC’s choices may change and influence that, on the Evil™ route. I’ve been following some of the fantastic dash discussions on Astarion’s reaction to when the MC tries to comfort him (because of course I have, I’m here for BG3 content and Astarion content especially, aren’t we all here for the same party in his tag? Also hello fellow Astarion stans! :D I hope everyone’s having a good day), and if some of these datamined lines from Pjenn’s blog post are actually implemented and kept as canonical [link], specifically the ones Astarion says regarding heroes, I do think it ties in very strongly with some of what other folks have said regarding his recoiling reaction. Copy-pasted the potential dialogue lines of interest below: Astarion: Heroes. |said with disgust| Astarion: Heroes had two centuries to save me from my torture, but not one came knocking. Astarion: The strong had two centuries to pluck me from torture, but no one came. No, it was the mind flayers that rescued me. Astarion: I spent centuries as the victim of a corrupt man. It was the mind flayers that plucked me away from that. I very much enjoyed all the takes on Astarion’s potential motivations in his response, and I do want to chuck another idea into the fray that supports the vein of ideas that have him being truly afraid and then angry at the MC in that scene, with the speculation including those possible hero lines above as influence. Specifically, I’d like to bring in an outside comparison to part of Molly Grue’s reaction to seeing the Unicorn from The Last Unicorn animated movie for the first time, transcribed below: The Unicorn: I’m here now. Molly: [Bitter laugh] Oh? And where were you twenty years ago? Ten years ago? Where were you when I was new? When I was one of those innocent, young maidens you always come to? How dare you. How DARE you come to me now, when I am this. [begins to cry, heartbroken] Consider Astarion being shown kindness when he is now away from Cazador, not fully free or safe yet but not currently actively fully suffering Cazador’s torment all up close and personal. Consider that only on that very night before he was snatched up by the mindflayers, which might’ve been anywhere from only a day to a handful of days before this conversation about his nightmare, he was going out to falsely smile and lure some innocent—(“No innocents. You have my word.”)—or perhaps not so innocent, beautiful soul back to Cazador’s mansion to very likely die or be turned. How often must he do so? Is it every night he is ordered to go out and condemn someone else to that unfortunate fate? Do you think Cazador killed them cleanly? Quickly? Why would he, instead of agonizingly grinding out any last traces of sympathy his spawn might have through the guilt that they are the ones who “choose” who suffers and likely dies at Cazador’s hands that night? To give the illusion of choice is one abuse/torture tactic that can be used to break a soul that we see often in games: choose who suffers or dies. Cazador is unquestionably a personality who enjoys the psychological aspect of tormenting his victims, as evidenced by giving Astarion the “choice” to be either flayed or to “dine” on a rotting, dead rat, as well as other mentions of how he puts thought into torturing those around him. Astarion is still so fresh from his torment,—torment that is still technically on-going with the very real threats of resuming once more—he is emotionally bleeding enough arterial blood at the seams to fill a sea. His actions, words, and emotions so often metaphorically smell of blood, and not because he’s a vampire and the traditional role of a vampire being a predator among humanoids ironically enough, but because being a vampire spawn means Cazador. And Cazador means horror. Astarion has survived, yes, and it’s been hell. He’s still in hell, because he isn’t free yet. Not truly. It’s a desperate gasp of air, this taste of freedom, to dream that he could be free of Cazador. Imagine his feelings when he’s now in something like freedom, a reminder of what could be, what his life might’ve and likely was like once upon a time, an uncertain here-and-now where he has the possibility—just a possibility, and an unlikely one at that for most ordinary or less-than-ordinary people, not a certainty—of being free, and he’s just admitted to the horror that is Cazador. Admitted in this moment how much Cazador frightens him, how much just the thought of Cazador frightens him, how much the possibility he might be sent back to his master and having his previous tormented existence resumed truly frightens him. And the MC reaches out in sympathy. In acknowledgement that what Astarion has been through is horrifying. To look at this horror and say it is pain, and terror, and awful, that it isn’t normal. It isn’t something to ignore. It isn’t something to pretend is just everyday same old, same old, to numb and take off the edge as much as one can. That Astarion’s pain and fear aren’t to be sought out for entertainment or at best to be willfully neglected in an act of malice. That stark moment of contrast, like night and day, could bring the pain of two hundred years crashing down inside his head, all compressed into one moment. Feelings he tried so hard to survive through, ignore perhaps, suppress: fear, helplessness, loneliness, misery, anger, sorrow, hatred, pain, anxiety, distress, need. Memories, of so many instances that hurt in that moment and then continued to hurt for so long afterwards. How much must it hurt him, wound him, to lift his head for air and have a perspective outside of his suffering that is sympathetic...but knowing that nobody came to save him.  That perhaps, no one ever will, if he loses this so-called freedom and is dragged back under. That those that care, cannot help you. And that those that can help, do not care.  Why would anyone help him at this point after all? He’s a vampire spawn. A classically defined monster in the eyes of society, and he knows it. (”I’m not some monster!” / ”At best, I was sure you’d say no. More likely you’d ram a stake through my ribs.”) He must have been truly desperate in his starvation to chance anyone finding out he’s a vampire in the party. Not surprising, he can’t rest at the end of the day like the other companions can. He has to expend extra energy at that point to find food discreetly after fighting all day, and subpar food at that. (”Animal blood tastes like muck.” verification needed, it’s a conversational line in some branch of the morning-after he asks to bite the MC the first time) He’s not eating breakfast, snacks or lunch during the day, and he isn’t guaranteed to find food while hunting in the woods. Game might be scarce, he can be wounded or exhausted after a long day of fighting, and he wasn’t starting out in the peak of health to begin with either. He is a vampire spawn yes and apparently can take down large game such as boars to drain them, but that is a rough existence to condemn anyone to mechanically speaking. He knows what he’s risking, regardless of his int stat. But he takes that risk anyway. The character who is so survival driven, risking a very high likelihood of expulsion at best or death as the much-more-likely worst outcome of this attempt? His bite isn’t painless, and pain can wake a person up readily enough if they aren’t a deep sleeper, and how deep a sleeper are most people when in an uncertain and unfamiliar wilderness, potentially while hungry and cold, with the fretting fear of a agonizing death looming over their head? Even accounting for a lack of mental clarity from hunger and exhaustion and other factors, I find it deeply unlikely that Astarion is unaware of how big a risk he’s taking with the odds are stacked against him, rogue class or not. And even if he’s just thrown out of the group? He’s alone. Vulnerable. A target to be hunted by a much bigger, meaner predator. One that won’t kill him quickly, we can guess. His odds are much lower, on his own. Specifically his odds of not being dragged back to Cazador...assuming the MC doesn’t just turn him over to Gandrel. How terrifying is it to imagine that your suffering will never end, to be told it will never end, and then you are reminded of what it is like to not suffer for a time. To have felt the painful hope that maybe there is a possibility that you could escape an existence of torment...but knowing you very well might not? It is desperately bleak. It is no great leap of the imagination to hear Astarion saying—(or more likely thinking because this would be terribly vulnerable...but he might say something when pushed because he’s so full of sharp edges and bleeding insides still)—something similar to Molly Grue’s line in his own fashion, is it? Astarion: “[Bitterly laughing, mockingly so. As he speaks his tone breaks, an edge of raw, desperate hysteria slipping through, attached to centuries of pain turned to anger] And where were you two hundred years ago? A hundred years ago? Where were you when I still desperately thought in the deepest parts of my heart that someone might come? When I still had hope?  Astarion: [his voice turns low and venomous, raising in volume and accusation before finishing with a break on the final word “this”, a tonal admittance of how distraught and self-aware he is of what he’s had to do, of what he’s had to become to survive] How dare you. How DARE you say this to me now, when I am this.”  (the above lines are entirely fictional and are not from any in-game, data-mined, or otherwise official source or content) He’s been made to do so many terrible things, even just based off of the few lines we have heard in early access he’s been through so much horror. An hour of torture, a day, a month is so incredibly long. It can have such lasting impact on a person—PTSD, as we know it in this day and age. A year? Five years, ten, twenty, fifty, a hundred? An elf he may be, but from a human perspective...he’s been tortured for lifetimes. Even as an elf, two hundred years is a long time. More than long enough to seriously alter how someone’s brain works—people are both amazingly resilient, but also so incredibly fragile. Cazador has had all this time to play with Astarion’s brain, honestly I find it impressive Astarion has any sense of self left after all this time. That he’s still driven to survive, that he still feels anything at all. (”It doesn’t look broken. But then again, none of us do.”)  It doesn’t surprise me that he’s intensely bitter when encountering the “paladins” of Tyr—(ie Anders and company if you know who I mean—and was that a Dragon Age 2 reference? If not that is an amazing coincidence with the whole Anders-Justice-Vengeance-Demon thing there)—if the MC asks something to the tune of “Don’t you wish someone had helped you when you needed it?” Oh. Oh that had to be a painful question for him. Astarion had his basic needs denied and abused, to ask if he wished that someone had helped him when he needed that and more, and no one came? Why was he denied but the paladins get help? Why does he have to be the hero when no one came for him, when no one very well might come for him when he might still very well be in dire straits in the near future?  I can see the possible desire to inspire sympathy intended in the question from the MC, but it can be so utterly without sympathy to ask that in some contexts, and in Astarion’s case it is. He was being abused and controlled without any way out—Anders and his cohorts opted into the deal with Zariel for personal reasons, not as far as I know under threat of imminent death, and they are relatively capable of fulfilling their end of the bargain barring their current injuries at the time. They certainly have more freedom of choice than Astarion and other vampire spawn ever did, and they were not being tortured right then and there. Warlocks, referring to Anders and co., might even have the option to get out of deals, a la Wyll’s personal questline hook thus far. Astarion can’t get out of his servitude from Cazador. Cazador holds all the cards, makes all the decisions, has all of the power. To compare Astarion’s situation to his face with that of the “paladins”? I’m surprised he wasn’t spitting fury, honestly. They still have normal elements to their day to day life, despite their devil’s deal. They are not being tormented on the daily—yet. They are not in hell—yet. They can get out. They have the possibility. A possibility Astarion didn’t—until now. And isn’t that the most fucked up thing, that it wasn’t a force of Good™ that saved him, but an even bigger monster than Cazador himself? He was saved—by mindflayers, intending some fate that was likely worse for him than before. Even when the Absolute’s hand begins to be revealed in all this, he is still a pawn among monstrous masters. What heroes there are in the world, won’t come for him. They never did before, and they didn’t now. Heroes are for other people, for realities aside from his own. They are for other people, living Other lives. Not his life. Forces of Good™ swooping in to save the day, to correct the wrongs of the world and to make things Right™ just isn’t his normal. Not anymore, if ever it was. His normal was warped by Cazador a long time ago. Is it a stretch of the imagination that if Cazador twisted “dinner” to be a choice between consuming a rotting, putrid rat corpse or being flayed on a nightly basis, turning “poetry” into the memory of a “sonnet” carved into Astarion’s back with a razor over the course of an entire night full of Astarion’s own pained screams? Is it hard to imagine that Cazador also took pleasure in turning other ordinary situations one might encounter in normal life into nightmare versions as well for Astarion and his other spawn? One illithid mind-power option shows Cazador controlling Astarion by holding his chin, though without any further context. Cazador wouldn’t have had to do more than that to invoke terror, after a certain point in time. It seems highly unlikely the gesture wasn’t followed up with more pain, though. Perhaps in that moment when he speaks of his nightmare in the first conversation and the MC reaches out to him in sympathy...Astarion was reminded of something. Multiple somethings, multiple moments, when Cazador reached out to him oh so casually, and it ended in pain and terror. The way the camera is framed as of the current time in early access, the way he flinches away crying “No!” so quiet and low, his eyes wide and staring just so, how he goes so far as to pull back almost entirely out of frame and the camera slowly pans to follow him? Perhaps that is just a stand-in scene, but as it is, even now, it emphasizes that he is I would argue genuinely afraid, and reflexively responding in what is likely his first opportunity to freely respond to his traumatically induced fear. The first opportunity where he wasn’t supernaturally compelled to do exactly as Cazador ordered him to, the first opportunity where he was likely not going to be tormented further for expressing his fear, for having his main tormentor laugh and delight in his distress. The first instance where he for a split second let his guard down, and didn’t expect to be hurt—until the MC reached for him, echoing possible memories of what happened last time someone (Cazador) did that. It’s not Cazador reaching for him. But...it is not Cazador. He doesn’t have to worry about Cazador hurting him right that second, but...will the MC hurt him, like Cazador did? Will they make it look like they’re going to help him, that he can trust them, and then betray him? (”How can you be so cruel?” / “It [Raphael playing games] reminds me of Cazador, taunting his slaves with hope when he knew the game was rigged.”) But they scared him. They scared him, and perhaps for a moment he was back there, in another time and place, where he knows, where he remembers, vividly, perhaps even recently, what normally would have happened to him. And how dare they make him feel that. (“I can do without reliving that particular night, thank you.” [Nightmare about Cazador dialogue, a separate scene if you miss the insight check from the first post-nightmare camp discussion I believe.]) He’s so raw and upset, both aggressive and defensive when he speaks about his nightmares in quite a few of his lines, asking and waiting to explain just why his nightmares are truly so terrifying, especially in the second-nightmare conversation. The way he speaks there, and in other scenes, makes me very disinclined to interpret him as actively intending evil in general so much as having been shaped to be ruthless through a centuries-long trial by fire that he isn’t free and clear of yet. Based off of how he reacts on more than one occasion, I’m personally inclined to take a leaf from Wyll’s book and say I do think he has more than just potential to be good. “Good™” being relative of course to his situation and undead-life—Astarion has GREAT potential as a character to explore not only what it means to be Evil™ aligned, but also what people on the meta perceive as evil, as well as what prejudices we may carry from that labeling.  He is I think very much an excellent walking morality test and ironically a mirror for the player’s character. What kind of person is the MC, in how they treat and interact with him. He is a complicated and morally-entangled character, and it is so very easy to only read him in the here and now within the stark, daylight context of societal’s average norms without looking at the very real, very recent nightmarish Twilight Zone reality he’s lived in that echoes through his words and story thus far. It’s a marvelous bit of echoing reality and real life here by Larian, truth be told: how do you tell people about your life, when it’s been a ceaseless, unending nightmare? With smiles, witticisms, and the occasional polished lie that bleeds out pain, for some folks anyway, including Astarion. He says he’s having more fun at the goblin party, but at the tiefling party? That’s probably the first time he’s been at a normal party where he hasn’t had to obey and fear Cazador’s orders and inevitable torment during or afterwards. That’s the first time in his entire undead existence when he’s been in a social situation like this without being afraid, hurt, or manipulated. It’s not a fun party on its own by his standards, but it is a safe party for him. In a way though, safety can be boring. A luxury, yes, but in this case? For him, boring. And boring...might very well be irritating, in an anxiety-turned-irritation fashion, because he’s not being tormented right this very moment. He should be finding something to enjoy, because in his normal everyday routine? In the day to day that he would expect, that his subconscious expects out of habit? Opportunity for any form of enjoyment must be rare indeed, twisted and tainted by Cazador’s ever looming shadow over every minute of Astarion’s vampiric existence so far. It could be anxiety-inducing, to not seek pleasure or some form of happiness or comfort while there is opportunity for it, in what one perceives as a respite from constant, on-going suffering. (”Why do you insist on exhuming the past?” - when you ask about his past in camp, after you know he’s a vampire. An unpleasant reminder of an unpleasant past, why would he want to dwell on it? He has enough pain to last him multiple lifetimes. Literally.) From the deep, deep depths of prolonged suffering, it can potentially take a great deal more intensity of sensation to feel anything at all, let alone something approaching happiness. (”For the first time in two hundred years, I felt happy.” [presumed Astarion-origin line after drinking from a sleeping companion] / “I feel strong. I feel...happy!” [after MC succeeds in persuading Astarion to stop drinking from their neck after giving him permission to do so.]) This isn’t even taking into consideration how vampirism might have impacted Astarion’s psychology on a metabolic/biochemical level, so to speak. Where Larian goes with that is still to be determined, though my money’s on they give him more a murderous edge and natural inclination—not unlike a Beast-lite version of bloodlust from Vampire: The Masquerade— but still keep his core traits very much human rather than supernaturally-alien/2D-cut-out-monstrous. (Or elvhen, if we’re being fantasy-world-linguistically technical here again.) Touching on the matter of monstrous behavior though...It is a powerfully understated moment of casual cruelty that Larian allows the MC to decide once and once only, if Astarion may also drink from people or only animals. It’s so fitting I don’t believe it to be coincidence that he was a magistrate in his backstory—isn’t the MC passing a judgement too on him, a sentence to change his life for the foreseeable future, possibly forever without realizing or perhaps not caring about the full extent of their actions? And one cannot forget Wyll’s comment about the rat diet. Oh, can you not hear the resonating parallel real life pain from how those ignorant of another’s hurts might unintentionally mock the person and hurt them so? How some might apply their own morality from their own life experiences, without looking at the full extent of the consequences of their actions? A life and perspective that more likely has never been tested under the lash and upon the rack of some of life’s worst possible realities? Even if Wyll and the MC don’t mean to be, it is so very, very cruel. It is beautifully painful, Abdirak and the goddess Loviatar would be proud. (”My mind is finally clear. I feel strong. I feel...happy!”) To be denied not just better food, but the ability to think clearly, to feel well, the actuality of being happy as a norm? It is so very hollow an existence to feel so constantly weak of both body and mind, and oh isn’t it just the richest thing, that an MC might echo Cazador’s choice and power over Astarion thusly? It’s enough to make one laugh an Evil Laugh™ of appreciation at just how unthinkingly, horribly cruel a person can potentially be while playing a Good™ character. This is actually a level of genius on Larian’s part that I wonder how many in the audience will actually look at and appreciate the subtle horror of. The horror that we do this too, in real life, sometimes without ever knowing the seemingly small, far-reaching ripples of harm an unthinking phrase or comment can do when we don’t take another’s reality into consideration—that we don’t know what it is we don’t know. It is a fine piece of storytelling, to offer up a story with so many facets to reflect upon. It’s so beautifully crafted that Astarion speaks and dresses like a noble, that he can so easily be perceived as a person of privilege at first glance should one merely look at some of his surface behaviors and inclinations—remnant trappings of his distant past most likely, from once upon a time. It’s a delightful reveal and subversion that he, I think we can safely say, isn’t that. Perhaps he was, once, but he isn’t at this point in his life, not anymore. Appearances are deceiving, and doesn’t that just tie so nicely right into some of Astarion’s potential themes and behaviors? The lies that crack open as truth and pain come bleeding out from underneath? I do wonder how many of Larian’s audience have known hunger—and not known when the next meal will happen, what it might be, if it will have strings attached? The kind of hunger that follows you everywhere, that roots down into your bones and hollows out a home there forever more? It changes how a person sees things, how they act, how they think, even when they’re removed from being hungry all the time. One doesn’t need to be skin and bones to feel like one is starving constantly,—(I very much enjoy that headcanon just to clarify, I’m not intending to throw shade in any of this or future rambling)—to be kept on a hollow diet of empty calories that are enough to keep your heart pumping, but your body struggles because it doesn’t have the nutrients it needs in the amounts it needs? To feel your mind fog over with exhaustion and blanketed despair, a primal and low level desperation whittled down into a tired and numb, anxious background static from adrenal fatigue? Miscellaneous aches, pains and problems that seem unrelated but in reality, if only you knew, were because your body can’t function the way it should ideally, because you don’t have what you truly need? A very real problem in real life, for far too many people. And oh, the beautiful, casual, so very human monstrousness Larian lets us exercise here, knowing or unknowing. It is such a powerful, understated cluster of ideas. And I think Larian knew—someone on the dev team did their homework on both traditional starvation but also what one might call masked-starvation as no doubt other tumblr folks have also speculated, just based off of what we’ve seen and because of that Happy buff Astarion gets when he uses his Vampiric Bite ability in combat. It fits right into his whole theme of “what makes a monster and what makes a man?” (Sing the bells of Notre Dame~♪) But not necessarily asking that question only of him. Rather, asking it also of the MC. This fits into the game’s whole theme with the tadpoles, the choice of using the power and turning into “Something More Beautiful” as Minthara put it, of taking the darker path, it all fits so very well. I just want to applaud this because it’s not a major story-beat moment. It’s a companion-side-quest moment. It’s going to be for the most part seen as a combat-game-mechanic and head-canon defining moment, deciding if Astarion may feed on people or not. I doubt we’d see Larian actually changing Astarion’s demeanor much in how he delivers lines with a “allowed to drink people blood” code flag, as cool as that might be. It very well could factor into later outcomes but for voice acting I doubt they’ll make an entire second/third/etc set of each line spawning from that one seemingly small choice. It makes me very hopeful that Larian can handle such weighty themes so deftly thus far—we’ll have to wait and see if they can stick the landing once the game is finished, but boy oh boy their nuance and delivery so far is strong as steel and sharp as a double-edged sword right out of the gate. The studio is in a fantastic position to explore and to challenge people’s thoughts and ideas regarding character builds like Astarion’s imo, depending on how the dev team chooses to play it out. Seeing some of Gale and Shadowheart’s dialogue trees from the goblin party, I have high hopes that the dev team will allow a great deal of exploration and flexibility all across the moral spectrums, not only allowing us the option to drag the more seen-as-good-aligned characters down paths of moral corruption,—(note: I’m including Shadowheart in more neutral-ish territory for now but the fact that she seems to feel emotionally ill—guilty, one could say—at the goblin party and is busy trying to get drunk to drown that feeling out suggests to me she Definitely does have a more good-aligned moral compass to a nuanced degree)—but also the chance to drag more seen-as-evil-aligned characters along the path to more traditionally good endings and persuade them to see the benefits of playing nice with others per more classic Good™ societal rules (subjectively speaking ofc.) But Larian is also in a very precarious place too—speaking strictly of just the one character as the focus of this essay, Astarion resonates very easily through that very real fear, pain, anger, bitterness and so many other emotions as a result of what he has survived, is still surviving through, and struggling against: trauma. How bitter indeed would it be should a character—that people with very deep, real pain can relate to—not get at least the option for a well-crafted, hopeful and merciful epilogue? Oh the sympathetic pain that Larian could reap could be pain of the very worst kind, if they condemn him to only death and darkness with bleak endings that lack nuance and care. I’ve seen some posts where people worry about Astarion not potentially having a good ending, with possible unspoken implications that he might be railroaded into betraying the MC. I’d like to say that I think a lot of his subtext, even looking at the instances where he lies and the datamined details of the voice-acting-directions, would run counter to railroading him to only ever betraying the MC. I think straight betrayal is going to run as mostly antithetical to his core themes in a way. He might betray your MC—but it will likely be because the MC betrayed him first in a myriad of small ways, or in a big way. Approval-rating-system based choices are a very real possibility too, separately or as a part of the equation naturally, in addition to your major in-game choices. That would also include the scenario of betrayal through using the tadpole powers enough to be mind-controlled into having no will of his own, much like the other characters, including the MC. I do think we have plenty of good, solid reason to be very hopeful that he will have a possible good continuation—not ending. A continuation where he manages to free himself from Cazador with the help of his companions or perhaps dare he even say friends, manages to begin the process of healing the immediate pains of his trauma and learning how to truly live with all that he’s been through and all that he’s done, to have the possibility of not only living but living both happily and well for the most part? Who knows what else Larian Studios might have in the works for him and the other companions, as well as the MC and the story of Baldur’s Gate 3. But good outcomes for all seems like it very likely could happen, for all of the companions. His wiki page’s summary tagline hook in particular offers up that implied promise from the developers to the audience, I would say, “Astarion prowled the night as a vampire spawn for centuries, serving a sadistic master until he was snatched away. Now he can walk in the light, but can he leave his wicked past behind?” What that promise is, varies from creator to creator. In this case, based on the wording, I would say that potentially implies a satisfyingly well-crafted and engaging story wherein we find out and determine if the answer to that question is yes or no, and in a DND-based RPG full of choices that have an impact on the people and world around you? In a game genre that has a history of multiple, varied endings for your companions based on how you play? That checks out. Larian so far has been handling things admirably well in my opinion, and I’m willing to invest emotionally in this story they’re telling with the trust that they will deliver a good continuation and conclusion. But on the off-chance that somehow Astarion’s endings all turn out painful and tragic on the meta for the fanbase, that the associated intentional or unintentional messages wound and grieve those who recognize and resonate most strongly with the pains he has felt? On that off-chance, in that instance where we are left bereft and disappointed because of what happened to him or any of the companions or the story itself should somehow things go awry, then it would be your right to ask Larian the very same question Astarion asked you once: How can you be so cruel?

#bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #spoilers #bg3 spoilers #Astarion #character study #long post #very long post #eXtreme rambling ahoy #speculation #congrats if you can read this all #totally understandable if it's too much text tho #it's long enough and rambly enough that it wandered away from the limits I intended #because I have FEELINGS about this gremlin vampire man #cackles madly #maybe the vampire will stop haunting my brain for a bit now #I have other things to do #aside from writing long contemplation pieces #prepare the angst-grapple-hooks crewmates #why yes I'm going to make silly jokes about pirates and sailing and the like #no I do not have any depth to my knowledge base about such things #I just like their hats man #arr #also not looking to make anyone feel bad or invalidate their hcs or opinions #just want good vibes for all #and more cakes for all #metaphorically speaking #the cake is not a lie tho #well #metaphorically it's not a lie

[palimpsessed]

Writerly Ephemera

I was tagged by @amywaterwings @mostlymaudlin @tea-brigade @effing-numpties @captain-aralias @bloodiedpixie . This is so cool, so thanks for sharing yours! ❤️

Per Amy: We add little bits of ourselves to our writing, scattering memories and places and phrases and things into our stories. The game is to find five examples of this, of YOU, in your writing and show everyone.

I don’t really feel like I put much of my own experiences into my fic, probably because I don’t feel like I have a lot of experiences to pull from. (That’s not me being self-deprecating; that’s me never going anywhere or doing anything.) So, let’s see what we come up with!

Going to tag here. I feel like I’ve gotten to this late so I’m not sure who has been tagged. Anyway. No pressure, loves. Just saying hi. 🥰 @theflyingpeach @bazzybelle @otherworldsivelivedin @unseelieseelie @wetheformidables @caitybug @nightimedreamersworld @foolofabookwyrm @stillmadaboutpetra

1. I have put the most of myself into A Man of Letters. I have my degree in English Lit and when I was in college, I was at the height of my Jane Austen obsession. So I sort of built my degree around the development of the English novel. My senior thesis was on a book called Evelina by Frances Burney, who was one of Austen’s greatest literary influences. Evelina is an epistolary novel—told entirely in letters. I love the epistolary form, for the same reason I love dialogue and texting fics. It’s such a fun narrative technique and can reveal so much about individual characters. It’s actually a bit like the way Rainbow Rowell uses multi POV in her books. Anyway, my love of the epistle was on full display in this fic, which is ofc told in letters. —Do I share a passage? That’s like...the whole fic 😅 So, idk. Here’s Simon being a disaster as he meditates on letter writing:

Dear Penny,

As I start this letter, I already know I'm not going to post it. I know I won't be able to bring myself to do it, because of what I have to say to you. I do feel bad. It's not that I don't want to tell you. And you know I'm so much better at writing things down than saying them out loud. It's only that I feel like this would all sound better coming from me in person. I just don't think I'll be able to make you understand in a letter. I'm still trying to understand myself. And writing all of this down helps me with that. Even if I'm only pretending to write to you, it makes me feel better, to think of you on the other end. I promise I really will tell you everything as soon as we're together again.

2. Also for A Man of Letters, my fascination with Regency fashions, in particular the dandy, was a major factor. I did an art book about this, comparing how fashion has changed over time, especially in regard to gender. (I also did an art book based on Evelina, since I’m on the subject. I minored in book art. 😁) I always fancied the look of a Regency dandy, so that was my gift to Baz.

Whoever has been working their magic on Salisbury should in fact be the person to whom I offer my eternal devotion. Alas, I am left to flounder under the burden of lusting after a man who is incapable of dressing himself.

The utter and unmitigated shame.

Salisbury wore a forest green wool frock coat that set off the golden highlights in his brown locks. This was accented with a green and aubergine striped silk waistcoat that was trimmed in white piping and felt much too daring a pattern for the man. (I don't care if he was a soldier; it takes a hardier man than him by half to choose a stripe like that.) His charcoal trousers were enticingly snug, but not so much to prove lethal. His cravat and points left much to be desired, though that likely reflected poorly on his ability to keep himself in order, rather than the ability of his valet. (Good God, maybe the man doesn't even have a valet!)

3. When it came to my countdown fic, To the Manor Borne, I had Shep make a reference to Cluedo, because Pitch Manor would be perfect for a real life game. Behind that, is the fact that my family played a lot of Clue and I watched the movie a whole bunch growing up, to the point where my sister and I used to quote it to each other. This was a way to pay homage to that. He also talks about playing the game Murder in the Dark, which was one I played at Halloween as a kid. One of my cousins was dressed as a ghoul with glow in the dark face paint and we were in my grandma’s creepy upstairs. Perfect vibes.

I’ve seen the kitchen and the dining room and the library and the study and the parlor. Walking through this house is like playing Clue. (They call it Cluedo on this side of the pond, because they like to be difficult.) (That was a whole thing. Do not get me started.)

I keep thinking Colonel Mustard’s going to pop up out of nowhere and brain me with a lead pipe.

And:

What kind of games do you play with magickal friends who don't have magic? Twister? Not with the wings and tail. Cards? Baz and Penny would cheat. Or accuse everyone else of cheating if they didn't win. Murder in the dark? With these people, in this house, I knew it would turn literal fast, and also it was like ten in the morning. Hide and seek? Simon and I would hide and everyone else would ditch. Snowball fight? World War III.

4. I’ve referenced Mozart in my fics a couple of times because when I was first getting into classical music, I was listening to a lot of Mozart. My sister had a CD of some of his early symphonies, and my local classical station does “Mozart in the Mornings” which happened to fit in the exact time slot between two morning classes I had my first year in college. I’d go sit in my car with a cup of tea, and just vibe with Mozart as my soundtrack. I’ve name dropped him in both A Man of Letters and To the Manor Borne. Also, Mozart wrote 12 variations on the melody shared by Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star, which is a lovely tie in. (I also had the gang sing/cast The Holly and the Ivy, which is one of my favorite Christmas carols, and by strange coincidence was playing on the radio at the same time I wrote that scene. 🥰)

"It's a songbook," I tell him, like he can't figure that out for himself. "Did you know that Mozart wrote twelve different versions of the same song?"

He's laughing. "Mozart did not write Twinkle, twinkle, little star, Simon."

"You know what I mean."

"He composed twelve variations for solo piano on the French folk melody Ah! Vous dirai-je, maman."

"Sure. Anyway, this is for the violin. For you to play."

He's still laughing, and I'm trying to figure out what's so funny, but then he kisses me again, on the lips this time, so I figure maybe I'm still doing okay.

Only one more to go! What will it be? 👀

5. Therapy! Eheheh...😅 Look, it’s no secret the gang needs it. And tbh, so do I. Haven’t actually managed to get myself to go yet, and I think that’s where a lot of my “send them to therapy” happy endings come from. I did it in Use Your Words and To the Manor Borne. I started Chamber by Chamber with SnowBaz already in therapy, and then structured the whole thing around therapy that they give to each other and to themselves. It didn’t really fit in A Man of Letters, but if it had, I absolutely would have done it. I’ve only shared from two fics so far, and since it could kind of spoil the ending to Use Your Words (tho saying this may be spoiler anyway...), here are two snippets from It’s a Kind of Magic, Part I of Chamber by Chamber.

I've been working on articulating my needs. We both have. Ordinarily, I'd be afraid of pushing him away by making demands when he's on the verge of a spiral, but my therapist insists that I can't go on treating Simon with kid gloves. If I never ask him for anything, he'll think he doesn't have anything to give.

And

When I told that to my therapist, she said that I needed to talk it out of me and she'd help me find ways to work through it all. She said I needed to talk it out with Baz, too, so that he'd know how to help me when things got bad again—that was something else she said, that things would get bad again, and that I'd need to be prepared for that. That I couldn't expect things to be easy, and just go away.

6. BONUS! I think the biggest way I include bits of myself is in the AUs I’ve chosen to write. I have three I’m planning that say a lot about me, so I’m going to talk a bit about them here. There is ofc my Scooby Doo AU, inspired in large part by the fact that I watched it all the time growing up and also, my sister continues to be obsessed with it. When we were young, my parents were doing a lot of work on their house and we’d take family trips to the hardware store. My sister and I hated it, so we’d wait in the car with my mom and she would entertain us with “Scooby Doo stories”. Other AUs I’m planning? Troop Beverly Hills—please tell me someone else out there loved this movie the way I did when I was 5. It was very influential to baby me and I remember wishing for nothing more than being able to dress like Shelley Long. So, I’m going to let Baz do it, because I think he deserves it. 🥰 Lastly, tho it will probably be the first I write, is my Cupid and Psyche AU, from when I was heavy into mythology and religion. Since these are all forthcoming projects, I don’t really have a snippet. Instead, here’s Baz comparing Simon to Eros, which is what started my brain on that particular AU.

I am lost. I barely know anything about Salisbury, but I can't help being drawn in. At one time, I could have comforted myself that I was only so smitten with him because he looks like he was sculpted by Praxiteles. That excuse grows weaker with every encounter. He's the furthest thing from a lifeless tribute to beauty in marble as one can be. There is something deep and dark and feral inside of him and I want to claw it out. I want to see it, to let it free. To taste his wildness and his pain.

#tag game #writerly ephemera

[passionate-reply]

Great Albums is kicking off Pride Month with a special feature on one of the weirdest and wildest queer artists of the New Wave era: the one and only Klaus Nomi! Combining glam, synth-pop, and opera, of all things, Nomi’s tragically short career is nothing short of mystifying. Check out the video or read the full transcript, below the break!

Welcome to Passionate Reply, and welcome to Great Albums! In this installment, I’ll be looking at the self-titled debut album of one of the most unique, incomparable, and unforgettable artists in music history: the one and only Klaus Nomi. What is it that makes Nomi so noteworthy? Perhaps the most obvious thing is his background as a classically trained opera singer. While a lot of pop vocalists have some degree of classical training, it’s rare to find one who worked so hard to bring ultra-mannered, literally operatic lead vocals into an otherwise pop context.

The other thing I should mention is that Nomi’s voice part was the “countertenor,” giving his vocals an even more unusual dimension. Countertenors are men who sing in a high range usually covered by women, and even in the operatic tradition, they weren’t necessarily all that common, particularly since the rise of opera coincided with that of the infamous castrati--male singers who were castrated to preserve their prepubescent voices. The combination of partially electronic, New Wave compositions with these bizarre, but ultimately “traditional” vocals results in something that sounds simply otherworldly.

Music: “Total Eclipse”

“Total Eclipse” is probably Nomi’s best known track, due in part to being featured in the seminal concert film Urgh! A Music War, which sought to capture the diversity of the early 80s New Wave scene. Like a lot of classic songs of this era, it tackles the subject of nuclear annihilation, albeit with a nearly depraved, gleeful tone, that makes it feel like more of a party. For the verses, Nomi adopts a sort of rhythmic speak-singing, which was much more par for the course for “New Wave” music, only to shockingly explode into a powerful operatic rendition of the refrain. It reminds me a bit of how, in musical theatre, tension builds through spoken dialogue, before characters are so emotional they feel compelled to burst into song--or, of course, how recitative blossoms into arias in opera. In the context of this particular track, it’s easy to interpret it as an embodiment of how “cold wars” can suddenly burst into flame. While “Total Eclipse” was a new composition, written specifically for Nomi by Kristian Hoffman, this album also features several covers of past hits, such as “You Don’t Own Me.”

Music: “You Don’t Own Me”

Nomi’s covers of the Midcentury pop ditties “Lightning Strikes” and “You Don’t Own Me” repeat the structure of “Total Eclipse,” showing that this signature pattern of increasing tension leading to increasingly mannered vocals is just as effective when retroactively applied to pre-existing compositions. What’s also significant about “You Don’t Own Me” is that it was originally written for a woman, Lesley Gore, and its defiant assertion of self-confidence has long been associated with women’s liberation. Being openly gay, Nomi sees fit to leave the lyric “play with other boys” just as it is, and could be interpreted to be deliberately emphasizing that last word, intentionally queering his rendition of the song. Nomi’s ability to sing in a traditionally female voice range, combined with his eccentric, gender-bending personal aesthetic, makes the interrogation of traditional concepts of gender an integral part of his art. Some of the other covers on the album are even older than the Midcentury, coming from the golden age of opera, such as “The Cold Song.”

Music: “The Cold Song”

Also known by its opening lyrics, “What power art thou?”, “The Cold Song” is a rare operatic aria that was actually designed for the countertenor voice part. It was written by the English composer William Purcell, a noted fan of countertenors who lived outside the influence of the Italian castrati, for his 1691 opera King Arthur. Well, King Arthur is actually what’s sometimes called a “semi-opera”: not all characters sing, and those who do often tend to be supernatural entities. “The Cold Song” is sung by a winter spirit called the Cold Genius, when reluctantly awakened from icy slumber by Cupid. His lines are sung so as to stutter, as he shivers from the freezing cold of his surrounds. Unlike the pop covers on the album, the arias are actually played pretty straight, almost as if they serve as evidence of Nomi’s actual chops doing traditional opera the old-fashioned way. “The Cold Song” is certainly a great fit for Nomi’s unique stage persona, which presented him as a fey or elfin non-human visitor from some mythical Otherworld, or perhaps an extraterrestrial from outer space. This theme is addressed most directly by the one track on this album composed entirely by Nomi himself: “Keys of Life.”

Music: “Keys of Life”

“Keys of Life” is the album’s opening track, and perhaps serves as Nomi’s personal introduction to the people of our realm--a sort of musical “we come in peace” message. Its lyrics seem to portray Nomi as a benevolent visitor, but one with a dire warning for mankind: we need to get our act together soon, for our actions now are of great import, as we humans “hold the keys of life.” Perhaps Nomi’s mission is to prevent climate catastrophe on Earth, or, given the context of “Total Eclipse,” a nuclear apocalypse. With its warbling synthesiser backdrop, and Nomi singing fully in the operatic style throughout, “Keys of Life” is arguably the most experimental piece to be had on the album, and putting it as the very first track certainly pulls no punches.

It is, of course, difficult to fully address the significance of Nomi’s persona without getting into his visual identity. The cover of Nomi’s self-titled debut features his most iconic outfit: an oversized plastic tuxedo, with hugely exaggerated shoulders, and a pointed hairstyle with a bit of Streamline Moderne flair. I mentioned earlier that Nomi’s work seems concerned with gender, and in that context, I’ve often interpreted this look as a sort of caricature of masculinity, parodying men’s formalwear and calling attention to Nomi’s receding hairline. There is certainly something absurd about a high-pitched, perhaps feminine-coded voice emerging from a ludicrously masculine sort of character. The use of thin, shiny, reflective plastic, and the aforementioned Midcentury feel of the hairstyle, make me also consider interpreting it as less of a parody, and more of an alien’s bad attempt at adopting the appearance of an “ordinary,” upstanding, conservative human male in attire, using space-age materials to cobble it together.

The oversized, geometric appearance of Nomi’s garb reminds me of the great Dada poet, Hugo Ball, founder of the legendary Cabaret Voltaire. Ball was the inventor of what he called “sound poetry,” and enacted lively readings of poetry that consisted of entirely nonsensical words. He did this while wearing a strange, cylindrical-shaped cardboard suit, said to restrict his movements so much that Ball needed to be ceremoniously carried off stage when he was finished reciting. Given their shared German heritage and cabaret avant-gardism, I can’t help but wonder if Ball’s striking costume was something of an influence on Nomi here.

This album is, of course, self-titled, but that, too, is an artistic choice that can be analyzed. The artist was born Klaus Sperber, but adopted the stage name “Nomi” for his creative endeavours. In the context of the track “The Nomi Song,” the name is often used punningly in comparison with the English phrase “know me.” Nomi’s choice of stage name is almost a dare or a challenge, a request for us to attempt to know and understand this seemingly inscrutable being before us. As with many other portrayals of queerness as alien or otherworldly, the messaging here seems to be that Nomi may seem different at first, but his intent is ultimately benign, should mere mortals like ourselves be kind enough to give him a chance.

Nomi’s follow-up to this debut album was 1982’s Simple Man, an album which is much more similar to its predecessor than different. It has a wider variety of contributing musicians and different instruments employed, but it’s got a similar overall feel, and mix of tracks. You’ll find more covers, like “Falling In Love Again” and even “Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead,” more original compositions, like the Hoffman-penned sequel to “Total Eclipse,” entitled “After the Fall,” and even some more arias, like this stunning rendition of another work of Purcell’s. Referred to here as simply “Death,” it comes from Purcell’s Dido & Aeneas, and is sung by the titular Carthaginian queen, Dido, as she prepares to commit suicide. Also called “Dido’s Lament” or “Thy hand, Belinda,” its darkly descending melody is as captivatingly ominous today as it was when it was written, over three centuries ago.

Music: “Death”

Sadly, Nomi became gravely ill at around this time, and his own untimely death was just around the corner. He died of complications of AIDS in 1983, at the age of just 44, leaving behind an unfinished opera of his own creation, Za Bakdaz, which would go unreleased until 2008. That, and a posthumous live album released in 1986, would be the only other works under Nomi’s name. As with all artists who die tragically young, we will always be left wondering what else Klaus Nomi might’ve accomplished in the ensuing decades. I find it hard to imagine a timeline in which this sound ever became particularly mainstream, but anything else Nomi came up with would have undoubtedly been fascinating.

My favourite track on Nomi’s debut is “The Twist.” Yes, this is indeed Chubby Checker’s “The Twist,” another one of those Midcentury covers that Nomi was so fond of. But compared to the rest of Nomi’s covers, this one is much more of a deconstruction, perhaps even a “piss take,” featuring a sparse instrumentation, centered around a lethargic bass guitar, and the overall pace is slowed to a crawl. Add in Nomi’s piercing vocals and some nearly demonic, chittering laughter, and you’ve got a track that turns a fun, light-hearted dance craze into a surreal nightmare. As difficult as it is to be the strangest track on an album like this, I have to give that honour to “The Twist.” That’s all for today--thanks for watching!

Music: “The Twist”

#music #great albums #album review #album reviews #klaus nomi #new wave