#it’s 8:30 at I don’t need this rollercoaster of emotions right now

[btswishes]

I will adopt you.

Monsta X (Shownu) hybrid au

Part1 / Part2 / Part3 / Part4 / Part5 / Part6 / Part7 / Part8 /…

A/N:  I know a lot of you like these series and I am taking too long with them. I am sorry, I just have to juggle university and this. I am still getting used to my program ,but I will try my best to find time to work on stories as well. For now texts and Shownu/Wonho scenarios will be my main. Sorry for any mistakes made and I hope you like this.  

Word count: 2,909

Warnings: I mean ,just normal 21 century teen cussing

                             ——————————————–

(I suggest you to listen to THIS as you read the chapter, thank you and enjoy)

  It had been already a full day since Shownu left in a hurry. You were beginning to get worried with each passing hour. The same way the sun rose, it started to set, without the familiar body frame walking around the house, or casting the usual shadow over you ,as you focused on your work. No matter how much you wanted to finish what you had planned for the day, it just wasn’t going to happen. Your mind was occupied by the empty feeling in the house and inside your heart.

  Your thoughts were drifting from darker to darker places, as you bit down on your finger nervously. “Where is he?” you fumbled around the pen in between your fingers. “Should I look for him?” a swift motion of your feet took you to the window again. It was the 15th time in the passed hour that you were staring outside, hoping he would come back home any minute. The previous night you left the window open just in case he returned, but in the morning to your disbelieve the bed was cold and empty. 

  4pm came and went, then 5 rolled up , 6 followed fast and 7 didn’t want to be left behind by its siblings, so it greeted you soon enough on the lit up phone screen. You were restless, tired and scared. He was strong, no doubt in that but somehow you kept forgetting that about him. Even if he was a hybrid or werewolf, to you he was just a confused tall ball of fluff that should have staid home. What if he is in danger! What if he is hurt.....what....what if he never comes home. The thought of him leaving was the last drop in the glass. It didn’t spill, on the contrary, it broke into millions of pieces representing all the different scary ideas you had.

  Putting on as many warm clothes as you could, you armed yourself with motivation to search for him, even if it meant days or unbelievable distances. The doorknob didn’t turn in your hand, as you remembered the howling winds. He left almost naked, I need to get him something! In a old backpack you hadn’t used in a long time , you put some of his clothes. Ready for a hunt, you ran out the apartment and into the cold winter storm. The moon was once more looking at you gently, trying to illuminate the path to your man.

  The streets were surprisingly full taking into consideration the temperature and the over all wind speed. You were walking fast and fierce through the piled up snow, blocking the wind with your arm in front of your face. It was all or nothing. 

8:30 pm waved at you from the city clock and you still weren’t successful in your search, not to mention nowhere near to that. Where could he have gone!? I looked everywhere! But you actually hadn’t. Your feet could take you only so far. He traveled with the speed of an unhuman animal and you walking like a baby compared to him. He could be in the Maldives at this point. Your body hit the wall of an alleyway, while you were hiding from the storm. The sound of the wind was muffling your deep breaths and blowing away the mist coming from in between your lips. You began to tremble, was it the cold or your aching heart? I am such an idiot! you felt the soft material of your mittens covering your eyes, as tears started to form and cool down your face. Why did I have to react like THAT! I should have just stayed calm and...and not done that. The feelings were strong and bubbling out of you. Your hands pulled away from your wet and red face and wrapped around yourself. What wouldn’t I give to hug him, to have him hug me right now. To say how sorry I am for making him misunderstand the whole thing. Your foot hit the ground aggressively a couple of times imitating a childish tantrum.

 Your behavior didn’t mirror your outside manners at all. You were an independent woman in all areas of your life. You wanted to feel safe, so you worked to have enough money to achieve that. Here you were though, alone in a dirty and dark alleyway, crying your eyes out begging to be treated like a child. Being strong takes you only that far. He was stronger, bigger and scarier than you, but the feeling of comfort and safety you felt being in his arms. Like a blanket that covered you, hiding your innocents, letting you be as childlike as you wanted without being judged, called weak or even treated as pray by other men.

  Your head hit the brick wall behind you, as you aggressively exhaled that air trapped in your throat by the waterfall of tears. A shiver went down your body as you tried to pull yourself and your emotions together. Usually it wasn’t something too difficult for you, but right now, in this very moment it was proving to be a challenge. Where are you! like a spell the words summoned the tears again, stronger than before. .....please..... the mittens were soaking up the emotions off your skin as best as they could. Your skin was red from all the rubbing. Everything was a big blurr in front of your eyes and inside. A mess simply said, waves of calmness and then sudden uproar or crying and begging. Had you ever been in such a state before, not to mention for a men you have known for not that long. I will be better I promise! We will go out more and and I will make you whatever you wanted to eat! Yes! And and....just come home pleaseeee, I need you. There was no amount of hitting or screaming that would change this.

  You were tired, no more tears just the trails left by them on your skin. Yet even they were cooling off like your heart and drying up by the cold wind finding its way in the tight alleyway. Calm and controlled, your heart beat followed your breathing ,while you were looking around the dirt and rocks around you on the ground. This stage was emptiness, no feeling, no care, just existence. I don’t want this to be true, I don’t want to accept that this isn’t going to change. I can...if i try harder. a hit of energy jolted you in a matter of seconds, maybe hope or denial Yes! If-if I try harder I can do this! hard work payed off for you so far many times, why not now?Yet your jaw clenched and your lip began trembling again NO! I am strong, hey! your hands slapped the irritated skin on your face I got myself from nothing to something! I just have to be strong, for both of us! Even!...even if he doesn’t want me anymore. Once more your emotions were somewhat under control. Closing your eyes you took a deep breath ,when it hitched, taking in a few gasps before it stops in your lungs, filling them only half way. As your body took in the cold oxygen, your cheek warmed up with a sliding motion towards your ear.

“You don’t have to be strong always.” even with closed eyes you knew, you felt it in your soul. Your arms trembled towards his and you grasped it firmly, tears streaming down again and again. “Why are you crying?” one hand turned into two as he cupped your cheeks 

“I- I am not, I am too strong for that!” you tired to prove an unexisting point 

“No you are not, you are acting. You have been hurt one too many times and now this is just a character you created to fool yourself and others. I can feel it.” his face came closer to yours till you felt his lips leaving a few butterfly kisses under and onto your eyes, cleaning the tears “Look at me.”

“No no!” you shook your head aggressively to the point where he had to keep you still “If-if I do that you will disappear. You have to be a figment of my imagination, there is no other way you co-” your lips and cheeks squished back as he pushed his face into yours. Lips onto lips, molding into strange, soft shapes that oddly fit together like an infinite puzzle. As slow and gentle as he could, he pulled away letting the warm vapor of his breath mix in with yours.

“Be vulnerable around me, stop pretending to be strong even in situations where you are breaking. Let me be your shield. If you don’t want people to see you crying, grab onto me, hide in my chest. I promise you, I will always wrap my arms around you and keep you safe.” his words turned into reality as he pulled you in. The hug was strong, but it covered you up away from the world. In a matter of seconds the mask on your soul began to crack, the harder and the closer you got to him, the bigger the cracks got till it...broke. Your brows frowned and your fingers clawed at his clothes, your face buried into his chest as your screams filled the alley.

“It’s ok, let it all out.” unknown time passed before you pulled back to look at him. It was Shownu, it was your Nunu. His thumb wiped under your left eye closing it for a second. “See? I am still here. I didn’t disappear.”  

“How did you know?! How did you know I was here.” 

“I know silly.” his usually stoic face lifted the corners of his lips up towards the moon into a gentle and comforting smile, before he lead forward and placed his forehead onto yours. Closing his eyes, he didn’t speak only his thoughts could be heard. I will always know where you are, I will always hear you through your thoughts. When you call me, wherever it is I promise to come to you. I will pay the price of hurting you with loyalty that i will take with me even beyond the grave. Shownu’s eyes fell onto the slight cut on top of your lip. 

“Can we go home?” your voice was still showing signs of the emotional rollercoaster you went through 

“Yes, we can.” Shownu looked around, hooking his arms under your body picking you up gently, as if trying not to hurt you. “Let’s go.” it felt like the air around you threw you up in the air. Flying, yes that was the right word to use in this situation. You were gripping onto him, when his hand pulled away from your head and he let go. You panicked, so high up and not being held by the only thing keeping you alive.

“DON’T PANIC! I GOT YOU!” he yelled out with a soft and calm voice underneath you, reassuring you to trust him “OPEN YOUR EYES!” 

 Your body stopped midair for more than enough time for you to come face to face with the shining moon. Like a pearl in the sky. It was reflecting in your eyes, turning your irises into silver crystals. You couldn’t say anything, but it felt like the light itself was whispering to you. Reaching out towards it, you began falling down. The night had hypnotized you to a point where you had forgotten the sheer height you were at. Shownu caught you just on time, intertwining his fingers with those on your extended hand.

 “Do you regret trusting me on this one?” he asked softly with a hint of accomplishment hidden between his words, yet you kept staring at the moon

“No...” it came out gentle, like a whisper from between your lips. You couldn’t stop your gaze from following the body in the sky. Shownu’s hand carefully pulled your head into his chest, to cover you from the harsh cold wind nibbling at your skin. 

“Shownu I can’t see anything. “ you struggled to look anywhere but his body

“I can take you on a night time run when summer and spring come around, it’s too cold now.” you pouted under your nose so verbally that he felt it. Letting a sigh out, he repositioned you on impact as he jumped off a near by rooftop “Look around then.” 

“Oh wow...” your voice had become breathy as you did what he suggested. The speed at which he was moving made the snow beneath you look like thousands of diamonds glistening in the moonlight. One could almost identify them as a huge sea of stars or white sand, giving the over all chilly winter a warm summery energy. Shownu was big and keeping you very warm, making you forget all out the biting storm that was howling over the walking people. At this height it felt more like a song of a seasonal fairy, telling her goodnight story to all the sleeping under the snow plants, covered by the the blanket of the sky.

 One could easily see what most old school authors saw in this cold times, like living in a book from times past. The night began so rough, but ended so warm and comforting. You gaze shifted from the astonishing land to the man gifting you all these new memories. His strong neck, grabbing onto his firm and sharp jawline, as his eyes shined in a deep rich golden color and tensing under you with each long jump. It felt like he brought with himself not only love and safety but also the gift of flight and a whole new world.

  The window of your apartment shined in your eyes “Shownu, I closed the window.” he looked down at you, changing the strategy in his head to that of a normal human. He landed behind the building so no one would see or notice you guys coming from literally the sky. Putting you down gently, you fixed your clothes and tried to find your footing in the deep snow. Instinctively you reached out and grabbed onto him.

“You finally leaned onto me.”

“What?” looking up you saw the shadow oh his face and moon forming a halo above him 

“Till now you tried to find your way through the snow on your own, falling and getting up. This is the first time you reached out to me for help.”

 Your eyes were met with a smile, but you didn’t know how to react as this was something you weren’t used to.“Let’s go inside, it’s cold.” he smirked at your sudden panicked answer, but took it as a small victory.

Rustling through your bag you pulled out the keys and were lucky enough to find the elevator already on the 1st floor. In a hurry you got in, rubbing your arms up and down to warm them. 

“Are you feeling cold?” once Shownu let go of you, you remembered how cold it actually was

“Aren’t you freezing?” you looked him up and down “You are dressed so lightly, come to think of it ,how do you have clothes on?!”

“I took some with me, can’t go running around naked in my human form.” well it did make sense, but now the backpack you had on served no purpose “You are shivering.” 

“I am fine.” the boy was like a damn radiator even without all the fur covering his nonhuman form 

“No you are not.” he leaned down nuzzling into your neck, making you step back till your body hit the wall of the elevator “You are freezing.”

“S-shownu w-what are you doing?!” you gasped at the warm skin of his, sucking away the cold in the area of your neck. His hands pushed against the wall, trapping you between himself.

“I am checking if you are cold since you keep lying to me about it.” his nose was rubbing against you, sending all kinds of sensations down your spine and body

  The elevator came to a stop at your floor, but the doors revealed our lovely nosey neighbor and her obsession with Shownu.

“Oh my hahaha.” she gasped and started laughing, as he she hid her eyes behind her spread fingers. She didn’t want to miss any juicy details to tell her husband and family about later “Oh you young kids these days! So wild.”

“It’s not what it looks like!” you panicked even though you yourself didn’t know what it was. Shownu looked at the neighbor innocently as you grabbed him and pulled his large frame out of the elevator. As the woman stepped in, she slapped his shoulder gently, giggling “ Be more direct boy, she doesn’t seem to notice you making a move on her. Go get her tiger.” the doors closed and the ding sound send her upstairs to her meeting with the other middle aged wives of the building. We all know what todays topic will be.

“Come in.” you were holding the door to your apartment open. “Don’t just stay there.” Shownu ran up to you and stepped inside. “Welcome home.” you said taking all your thick clothes off and throwing them on the couch. 

  He staid still for a moment before he said “I am...home.” his hand slid behind him as it closed the door, not even taking his eyes off you, lovingly.

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[syos-princess]

Shortcakes’ Wedding “Diary”

Pairing: Syo Kurusu x Jules (Kurusu) (Me)

Other Characters: Many... (Everyone from Shining Agency + Kurusu Family)

Word Count: 2500+

TW: It’s a positive rollercoaster! (Fluff)

Tag List/Special Wedding Guests: @of-comfort-and-love @minty-fresh-kicks @stars-sunglasses-and-sodapop

Info: So, today is finally our wedding day and I kinda went over board with this story, hehe... [blushes] It’s written like little vlogs (though I call them “diary entries”) from getting ready to the reception speech!

[ok to rb/p.ros.hippers dni]

April 8, 2021 at 8:00 AM

[The recording starts]

„Okay, we‘re filming!“, says Nanami with a big smile on her face. „Welcome to the first video ’diary’ entry of Syo‘s and Jules‘ wedding day! The happy bride is over here-“

[The camera swings over to Jules and Tomo]

„-getting ready for her big day! Say hello, girls!“ Jules smiles shyly at the camera and waves. „Hello…“, she says. „Hello, hello~!“, answers Tomochika and winks at the camera. She is currently doing the young brunette‘s hair. „Are you excited, Ju-chan?“, asks Nanami. Jules nods slightly to not disturb Tomo during her work on her. „I am! Nervous but very excited, hehe…“ Oh and how nervous she is. Jules is scared of messing up and it being on camera forever but at the same time she can’t wait to be married to the man of her dreams. „Just think of Syo and it‘ll be fine!“, throws Tomo in. The blue-eyed bride blushes hard, while the two redheads laugh warmly.

[The camera zooms in a little more on Jules]

Then the young composer speaks up again. „So, Jules. What’s on the schedule?“ The girl in question giggles. „Well, right now: getting ready. The wedding ceremony is at 10AM, after that the reception at 12PM and lastly the wedding party.“ Nanami nods behind the camera. „Syo‘s dad should be here soon with the dress.“, adds Jules. This time it’s Tomochika who speaks. „Your dress is so beautiful. I‘ve only seen pictures so far but it’s gorgeous.“ Jules smiles. „Yeah, it really is. Makes me wonder if I really deserve to wear such an amazing dress.“ „Oh, hush! It was custom made, by your father-in-law, for you. Of course you deserve to wear it. You’ll look like a real princess in it! Syo won’t manage to take his eyes off of you.“, exclaims Tomo with confidence. The brunette blushes again. „Thanks, girls…“ There is a light knock.

[The camera view gets lowered to the floor]

„Oh, room service! It‘d be good if you could eat something to ease your nerves.“

[The camera focuses on the two girls again]

Jules chuckles lightheartedly. „Yeah, I‘ll try. Even though I’m not hungry.” She takes a look at her phone on the table. “Hm, I wonder how Syo is doing. We spent the night apart. I hope he’s alright…” Another knock. This time it’s Syo‘s dad with the special dress in tow. „Good morning, ladies.“ „Good morning, sir!“ The middle-aged man turns to Jules. “How are you doing today, Jules?” The brunette smiles. “I’m doing well, thank you! Nervous but well.” “Heh, yeah, that’s completely normal, dear!”, answers her soon-father-in-law with a chuckle.

[The camera zooms out]

„Okay, I think we should let the bride get ready in peace now.“ It‘s Nanami‘s voice. Tomo nods at that. „Yeah, we can take pics of the finished look after. Right, Jules?“ „Yes, totally.“, Jules answers with a smile. „Alright, this is it for the first video entry! Bye!“ The three people in view smile and wave at the camera.

[The recording ends]

April 8, 2021 at 8:30 AM

[The recording starts]

„HELLO!!! My best friend is getting married today!”, screams Natsuki behind the camera. The other STARISH guys flinch at the shrill tone. „Was it a good idea to let Natsuki film for now?“, asks Otoya jokingly. „Ah, it’ll be fine!“, answers Cecil. Tokiya turns to the device. „Welcome to this first video from us, the guys‘ side.“ Everybody, except Natsuki, waves at the camera with big smiles on their faces. „Hello!“ Ren goes over to Syo, who leans against a window, and pats his shoulder. „This little man is the lucky groom today! He is excited to see his bride~!“ Syo blushes but tries to hide it with a frown. „H-hey! Don’t call me short!“

[The camera view gets very shaky]

„Aww, Syo-chan! I‘m so happy for you!!“ „Natsuki! Be careful with the camera-“

[The view is blurry before doing dark]

„Ugh. Natsuki. Can‘t...breathe...“ It‘s definitely Syo‘s voice. „Oh! Sorry!!“ There is laughter now. „Oh, the camera…“ „Don’t worry, Ittoki. I got it.“

[The camera gets picked up]

„Hello, this is Hijirikawa Masato.“, says the voice behind the device. „Welcome again to this little video entry of this special day. We‘re currently in the suite and getting ready.“

[The camera zooms to Syo]

„Kurusu, how are you feeling?“, asks Masato. The blonde smiles fondly. „Amazing! I just can’t wait to see Jules. I’m sure she looks gorgeous. I wish it‘s 10AM already, haha!“ Syo turns around and plays a little with his white suit sleeve, while looking out of the window. Cecil speaks up next. „Could it be that you‘re nervous?“ Syo takes a deep breath. „No! I mean, yeah, maybe a little. I‘m so confident and yet, today, I‘m even more nervous than during important auditions. Well, more like happy, excited, nervous, just so many emotions at once.” Syo turns to his friends again. “Is that normal?” Tokiya smiles at him. “Of course. You’re getting married today, it’s normal to feel like this.” The others nod at Tokiya’s answer.

[The camera zooms out to show the group]

“That’s why you should eat something, Syo-chan!”, exclaims Natsuki and points at the food that they ordered from room service. The young groom sits down at the table. “I’m not really hungry actually…” Otoya lays one of the sandwiches on a plate and puts it in front of Syo. “Believe us, you’re going to need every little bit of strength today.” The blonde idol smiles, nods, and starts nibbling on the sandwich. Then he moves to take his phone. “Maybe I should ask Jules if she’s doing okay…” Ren laughs and takes Syo’s phone. “Nice try, Ochibi-chan, but you guys agreed to not contact and see each other before she‘s walking down the aisle to you!” Syo blushes. “Y-yeah, I know! It’s just...weird without the usual good morning texts and all...”, he mumbles. The others let out a laugh. “These two really can’t live without each other.”, says Cecil. “It’s so adorable!!”, squeals Natsuki. The shorter blonde’s blush deepens. “H-hey now! Stop teasing, guys!” Ren puts his arm around Syo’s shoulders. “Seriously though, we’re so happy for you both. Jules and you are the definition of soulmates and we all are beyond excited to celebrate this important day with you.” Syo bashfully runs his fingers through his hair but has a big smile on his face. “Thank you, guys! I can’t imagine not having you all here with us.” All of them smile warmly. Otoya chuckles. “Man, I’m hungry.” Masato nods behind the camera. “Yeah, let’s eat before it’s time for the ceremony.” Syo waves at the camera. “Thanks for joining us. See ya later!” “See ya!”

[The recording stops]

April 8, 2021 at 9:50 AM

[The recording starts]

“Hello, again to another video ‘diary’ entry! It’s Nanami!”, says the energetic voice behind the camera. “This is the location of the ceremony!”

[The camera view goes around the venue]

There is a lot of green, it’s an outdoor wedding, a white path, and cherry blossoms all around, completing the spring wedding theme with their beauty. In the first row of the white chairs, on the other side of Nanami, sits Quartet Night.

[The camera zooms in a little more]

The four men wave at the camera with Reiji being the most enthusiastic about it. Shining is only one row behind them and looks like he’s about to cry from happiness. Beside him are Ryuya, who’s facepalming at Shining’s behavior, and Ringo who just laughs and says something to his teaching partner.

[The view swings over to the front]

There is Syo speaking with Kaoru, his Best Man. The rest of STARISH are nearby, as well.

[The camera gets closer to the blonde twins]

“Hey, Syo-kun! Are you ready for the big moment?”, asks Nanami. Syo nods. “Yeah! I got the message that she’s here! The ceremony should start pretty soon.” Syo smiles a little. “Hey, Nanami? How does Jules look in her dress?” The redhead chuckles. “I’m sorry, Syo-kun. It’s a secret.” “Not even a little hint?” “Nope!” Kaoru lets out a laugh. “Give it up, Nii-san. Besides, you’re going to see her soon!” Syo plays with his suit’s sleeve. “Yeah, yeah. You’re right.” Suddenly, Natsuki runs over to them. “Message from Jules! She’s on her way! 2 minutes!” The group nods. Everybody is taking their seats or positions. Syo takes a deep breath. “Okay, let’s do this!”, he says. „You got this, Syo-kun!“, answers Nanami.

[The view gets really shaky for a moment]

„Alright! The ceremony is about to start.“

[The recording ends]

April 8, 2021 at 10:00 AM

[The recording starts]

Shortly after the camera turns on does music start playing, signaling the arrival of the bride. It’s a very familiar song to everyone. The instrumental version of “Hatsukoi wo Mata Hajimeyou”, requested by Jules and self-proclaimed „couple song“ by the wedding pair. And there she comes. The bride in her wedding gown getting walked down the little path by her father-in-law. The dress is a kimono-inspired blush pink dress with sakura embroidery. Absolutely beautiful. Syo’s eyes start to shine as he sees Jules. His smile is bigger than anyone has ever seen. The brunette’s smile is just as bright. Both of them have tears in their eyes, which could fall any second. The young idol meets his bride and dad halfway down the path. He gives Jules a quick peck on the cheek and turns to his dad to thank him. They exchange a few words and a pat on the shoulder before his dad “gives” Jules over to him. Syo holds out his hand to her. “Shall we, my gorgeous princess?” The blue-eyed girl blushes but takes it without hesitation. „Absolutely, my handsome prince.” Now it is Syo who blushes. Both of them walk together, hand in hand, to the front where the officiant awaits.

[A little while later]

“Now it’s time for the wedding vows.”, the officiant announces. Jules, nervously, goes first.

“My Prince.”, she starts. “There is so much to say and believe me when I say that I wrote down 10 pages full of stuff I wanted to say but I keep it short. I love you. And with every single day that passes, I do more. You are the light in my life that keeps me going, even through the darkest moments. I can always count on you to make me laugh, since literally the moment we’ve met all these years ago. The day you confessed to me feels like it was just yesterday because time with you is flying by so fast. You make me so happy. This may be cliche but you are my best friend who understands me fully and where I don’t have to hide who I am. I know we can manage anything that life throws at us. I can’t wait to explore our life together beside you as your wife! I promise to always love and honor you till the day I die. I love you so much, Syo...”

Syo‘s eyes water again and he leans forward to kiss Jules‘ forehead. „I love you too.“ He squeezes her hands before starting his own vow.

„Jules. My princess. Let me start this off by saying that you’re the best thing that life has ever given me. I don’t know what I did to deserve someone as sweet and supportive as you. You’re definitely thinking now that you’re not worthy to be thought of like that but it’s true. You are everything to me. I will always protect you and remind you every day that you’re absolutely amazing. I love you with my whole being. The fact that you didn’t leave me due to my job but instead always encourage and support me through and through makes me so incredibly thankful to have you in my life. Our ‚Prince of Fighting’ marathons are also always so much fun. I treasure these moments deeply in my heart. I promise, no, I swear, as your prince, that I will always come back home to you, no matter how long we‘re apart and that I‘ll always love and adore you. I love you, princess.“

Tears are running down Jules’ cheeks, which Syo gently wipes away with his thumbs under her glasses. Then he turns his head away to wipe his own teary eyes. The wedding guests are very quiet, seemingly moved by the couple’s vows. After a short pause is it finally time. The officiant turns to Syo first.

“Do you, Syo Kurusu, take Jules Hawthorne to be your lawfully wedded wife? Do you promise to love her, honor her, respect her, and be faithful to her, through anything life may bring, for as long as you both shall live?”

“I do!”, answers Syo confidently.

“Do you, Jules Hawthorne, take Syo Kurusu to be your lawfully wedded husband? Do you promise to love him, honor him, respect him, and be faithful to him, through anything life may bring, for as long as you both shall live?”

“Yes, I do!”, answers Jules in her soft voice.

The officiant nods at the now married couple. “I hereby happily pronounce you husband and wife! You may now kiss your princess.” Syo turns to Jules with a look full of love. He softly cups her cheeks, asking for permission, which she gives through a slight nod. Then he leans in for a sweet kiss, sealing their promise for eternity. Applause is rising around them as they gently lean their foreheads against each other’s. The couple turn their heads and catch the camera’s view. They chuckle and wave, showing off their rings with excitement. Truly an adorable sight.

[The recording ends]

April 8, 2021 at 12:00 PM

[The recording starts]

“Good afternoon, it’s Tokiya this time. We’re at the reception and waiting for the happy couple to arrive.” A sudden voice interrupts. It’s Cecil. “Hey, when will Syo and Jules arrive?” “Pretty soon, I’m sure.”, answers Ren instead. “I can’t wait~!”, exclaims Natsuki. “Shhh! I think they’re coming!”, says Otoya excitedly. Shining steps forward with a microphone in his hand.

[The camera zooms in on Shining]

“Hello, everyone! I have the great honor today to introduce the newly married couple! Let’s welcome them with a round of applause! Here are Mr. and Mrs. Syo and Jules Kurusu!!!” A big thunder of applause erupts. The married couple comes in, hand in hand, and just as happy as at the ceremony. Syo takes the microphone and addresses the crowd.

“Good afternoon! Thank you so much for coming and celebrating this important milestone with us. It really means a lot! This is the plan for the afternoon and evening. After the reception my wife and I have our first dance.” Jules’ shyness kicks in, which her blush gives away. The blonde gives her an encouraging smile and puts an arm around her. The blue-eyed girl smiles back at her husband. Syo turns back to the guests. “And after that, the buffet and bar are open, so eat and drink to your heart’s content. There are some surprises planned during the wedding party, as well. We really hope you continue to have a lot of fun today! Again, thank you all for coming!” Everyone raises their glasses:

“TO SYO AND JULES!”

[The recording ends]

#💍 shortcakes wedding 2021 #shortcakes 💗 #syotime

[themomlife]

Never Imagined

Hello virtual world.

First time mom here, and let me tell you... I never imagined my life would be the way it is currently going. Being in my 30′s I honestly never thought I would have kids, and not just because it wasn’t something on my radar of what I wanted in life. And now 8 weeks after delivering my world is still not what I would have imagined postpartum. 

My pregnancy first off was no walk in the park. I was pulled out of work and pretty much on bed rest for the last 3 months before I was induced. Now postpartum is something we have all heard about, though it’s not really spoken about and I can tell you the last weeks have been no walk in the park. I really wish this was something that was more widely talked about, and maybe not even more talked about but actually seen as an actual issue.. Too many sadly don’t get the help that they need because they do not have the support or the mindset due to lack of support to get help. Thankfully I have a partner who is really supportive, however there are others in our lives that simply don’t understand and start to almost pin us against each other. 

I start my therapy sessions to deal with PPD and PPA this week to try and tackle this all on. Im nervous yet anxious to get this started and try and move forward and start to maybe enjoy my little one. I feel like such a horrible person some days because all I can think about is packing a bag and just running away. My feelings are sooo all over the place and I’ve never had so many roller coaster emotions ever before in my life. Being prepared that this could have been a thing is something I really wished had been on my radar. Being in isolation pretty much thanks to COVID is definitely no help either. 

I know many out there can relate and have been down this road or are going down this road. First child, second, third, what ever number it is... Know that you are not alone. If I can say anything right now tonight is just that. Know that somewhere in this world at the exact moment, someone else is going thru the same rollercoaster ride as you. Keep your head up, and TALK to someone, anyone. Know that there are ways to get help even if its just getting it all out to complete strangers by writing your thoughts down on paper or talking to someone from a mommy support group. 

I hope by sharing my story over the weeks to come that maybe, just maybe, my words, thoughts, feelings could maybe help someone even just one person out there to pull thru and work their way through however rough a time they are having.  <3

[xoruffitup]

The Report & Marriage Story: Adam Driver at TIFF

(If you just want to skip down to one/both of the film recaps, scroll on down to The Report and Marriage Story bolded headings. :)) There are some pics and vids down there too!)

So my friend Sarah and I spent just over 24 hours in Toronto, and it’s no exaggeration to say that during those 24 hours Adam made us feel the entire spectrum of every single possible human emotion. The Report was a nerve-wracking, intelligent, quick-witted political drama set at a break-neck pace of horrific headline after shuddering truth after sickening revelation. Marriage Story was nothing short of a masterpiece - delivering laughs, heartbreak, emotional turmoil, tears, and aching poignancy. I’m not usually one for romantic or real-life dramas like Marriage Story, but damn if that film wasn’t literally one of the most moving and powerful pieces of cinema I’ve seen in recent memory. The Report rises to the same standards, but for completely different reasons.

The films themselves are so incredibly well made in terms of writing and production, but seeing Adam in two major leading roles back to back that couldn’t have been more utterly different in tone or persona was nothing short of flooring. I know this, and of course most of you reading this also know, but GOD it isn’t even possible to fully describe the breadth and sheer force of Adam’s talent. The performances were light years apart, and yet both seared with completely unique energy that just radiated off the screen. I’ve watched almost everything Adam has appeared in, I know he’s the best actor of his generation, and yet he still manages to completely stun me with his seemingly never-ending ability to reveal an entirely different way of being in a new role. Beyond simply an accent or posture, Adam has this unparalleled ability to not only embody a completely novel persona each time, but to then completely naturally reveal that persona’s deepest, truest essence with the smallest facial twitch, turn of his head, or break in his voice. Watching him in a fresh role is literally like discovering a new facet of the human experience.

Watching these superb films in a setting like this massive film festival, where the audience was riveted and excited to engage with the content, elevated both of the viewing experiences to monumental heights. THEN, there was the fact that before and after each screening, Adam and the rest of the main cast members would come on stage with the director to speak about the film and answer questions. This of course meant – being me – that even the slightest glimpse of him would send me into silent fits of glee and awe. So combine being in Adam’s presence repeatedly and for rather long stretches of time with the emotional hurricane powerhouse of not just one but two film epics, ANNND yup it was a recipe for Biggest Emotional Rollercoaster Trainwreck Ever Known To Man. :’)

I did (somehow) manage to keep myself together! Enough so that I asked Adam a question during the Marriage Story Q&A! ;_____; (Sarah was trying to film covertly so needed a second to achieve that zoom action!)

I couldn’t even tell you how it’s possible to string two coherent words together while speaking to 6’2” of well-dressed Talented Babe who’s fucking radiant in person, because it’s literally like an out-of-body experience where some alter ego screaming ‘TALK! TO! HIM!’ just takes over my body while the rest of me is floating off into the stratosphere!!!! (Skip on down to the Marriage Story movie analysis for more info on what I was asking about.)

Okay so let me back up and go through the day chronologically so I have SOME organization for my fangirl thoughts!

I got into Toronto from a 14-hour bus ride at 8:30 AM; Sarah got in on a flight at 9:30. We met up at our hotel and went straight to the theatre where the premium screenings would be taking place. We were able to get front barrier spots along the street and who soon arrived but none other than….!

Our lord and savior Rian Johnson, all hail! He directed the movie Knives Out that was playing at 11 AM in the same theatre. We took turns grabbing coffees because brrrr the Toronto morning was a bit nippy. The Report screening was scheduled to start at 1:45, but none of the cast had shown up yet as of 1:00. Shortly after, big cars started to pull up and Annette Bening and Jon Hamm arrived! We started nail-biting a bit at this point, because we needed to get into the theater 15 minutes before the movie started otherwise they might give our tickets away to people in the Rush Ticket line, but Adam hadn’t arrived yet and there was a chance he would sign for the barricade when he did. But once it started ticking below 15 minutes and still no sign of Adam (tension was real – the whole crowd would go quiet every time a car pulled up, then all sigh in disappointment when someone other than Adam got out), we called it and went to join the Ticketholder line to enter theatre.

WELL, good thing we did! Turns out Adam arrived late and had to rush inside right away, and we had the very serendipitous timing of walking past the secret elevator entrance up into the theater RIGHT when the elevator doors opened and Adam appeared, walking out and into the theater auditorium!! My heart slapped me in the face a bit (a lot) when we caught that glimpse of him so close up. I know there are plenty of pics now but he looked sO striking and sleek in that understated, classic blue suit. He’s SO taLL and still so massive when he’s a few feet away, don’t worry guys he looked plenty healthy even if without the Kylo Ren bulk <333  IT WAS GREAT. I COULD CRY ABOUT JUST THAT MOMENT. God help me with everything that would follow :’’’’’)

Before The Report started, Director Scott Z Burns came on stage to give a brief introduction. This was the first time the film was screening outside of the US and he was very much looking forward to the response and a wider dialogue about the issues raised in the film. He introduced the cast, and was joined on stage by the producer, Jon Hamm (who came on stage in a very silly fashion – see vid below), Annette Bening, and then Adam. And damn if that man didn’t look even MORE drop dead beautiful up there in stage lights. Be still, my heart.

…fat chance of that happening, because my heart was about to rev up into breakneck pace for the following 2.5 hours of the film.

The Report (We’re about to get very spoilery, fair warning!)

Movies are often called “important.” This one is more than that; it is imperative. The tragedy that will plague this film is that much like the staffers of the Senate and CIA that bicker back and forth throughout the decade chronicled in this movie; unproductive bickering will continue between those who appreciate a difficult truth-seeking film like this, and those that will disparage it knowing only the bare minimum of its premise. The latter will do so because of their unswerving understanding of American Patriotism to mean that America comes first, that there’s no justification more ironclad and unquestionable than national security, and America wins no matter the cost.

But. If by some miracle, the people of that latter group could be corralled into watching this film, it just might change their minds.

This movie is difficult. It is horrifying, at times nauseating. It challenges you as the investigations and counter-investigations build over each other, as the conflicting characterizations of the Enhanced Interrogation Techniques (EIT) program multiply, and yet even for all that, its takeaway hits you with clarity that is both sobering and impartial.

“National security” rationales were a chimera for barbarisms that achieved nothing. The US government tortured, degraded, and murdered prisoners at its mercy for no demonstrable reason or result. One of the most on-the-nose scenes where all the many moving parts of this complex, dirty history come together is when Dan meets with a New York Times journalist in his car towards the end, as he debates giving his report to the press to release when he fears government red tape will never let it see the light of day. The reporter asks him something like, “Why did the CIA keep doing it, if it wasn’t working?”

After two head-spinning, sickening, revelatory two hours, Dan compresses it all down to something like: “After 9/11 everyone was scared, and the CIA used that fear to act with impunity. They resorted to illegal means to try to keep some control of the situation. They knew it was wrong, and they knew it wasn’t working, so they became more desperate for results to justify it. And it was easy, because the detainees looked different than us. They spoke a different language than us, with different values.”

And so it spiraled to darker and darker depths, in which one failure to produce information by dubious means was taken to justify the next escalation in interrogation techniques.

This is where I need to warn everyone that this is not easy viewing. This film doesn’t let you shy away from what these interrogation techniques really meant. It doesn’t sanitize. You will see waterboarding happening. You will see people naked and chained in cells. You will see glimpses of even worse depravities. And then you will see the psychologist contractors who came to the black sites and claimed with utterly clueless, infuriating impunity that no, they’d never interrogated a terrorist before; no, they didn’t know anything about international law or the rights to trial and legal counsel. (“You think he’s getting a trial?” one said skeptically when his techniques were questioned.) But what they did know was the human brain and how to break it down. Then, you will see the CIA top brass back in DC who never saw with their own eyes even an instant of the abuses they were blithely and sanctimoniously sanctioning.

This film poses the question of how one defines American Patriotism. Chances are, you’re not going to be much moved by the CIA staff’s understanding - who say in defense of their tactics, “It’s only illegal if it doesn’t work.” Then when it doesn’t work, who go on to baselessly credit their EIT program with the intelligence that led to Bin Laden’s capture.

Then, we have Dan Jones/Adam. Dan Jones, who spent literally five years of his life in a basement bunker researching and scraping details together about a program the CIA did everything they could to keep under lock and key. He persevered when the CIA refused to provide any documents, communications, or witnesses; when the CIA denied that they themselves internally questioned the effectiveness of the program; even when they accused him of stealing the documents he finally managed to get his hands on. When the real Dan Jones was brought on stage after the film ended, he received a minutes-long standing ovation that couldn’t have been more deserved.

Most of the audience would probably find it difficult to identify with that understanding of patriotism that claims “It’s only illegal if it doesn’t work” and “Shouldn’t we be grateful just for the fact that we live in a country where a report like this can be written?” (claimed by Jon Hamm as Obama’s Chief of Staff, when pressed by Bening’s Diane Feinstein about releasing the report before the mid-term shift of the Senate going Republican.) What’s much more moving is Feinstein’s rejoinder that “I want to live in a country that publishes this report.” Or the coup-de-grace scene towards the film’s end that incorporates real footage of John McCain’s speech on the Senate floor against the EIT program, when he introduced the McCain-Feinstein bill that would ban the practice. When McCain called on the US to be better than its enemies, and to maintain a standard of honor worth defending.

Dan puts it painfully aptly in the full monologue teased in the trailer: “They say they saved lives but what they really did was make it impossible to prosecute a mass murderer, because if what we did to him ever comes out in a court of law, the case is over. The guy planned 9/11… (continued from memory) … but instead of spending the rest of his life in jail, we turned him into the strongest recruiting tool for our enemies.”

These moments of Dan’s desperation to make others see the truth so glaringly, shamefully obvious to him are when he delivers his most biting rejoinders. As he questions John Yoo’s legal justification in the Torture Memo of the interrogations not amounting to torture so long as they don’t cause “lasting harm”, Dan points to the detainee who died under the conditions of his confinement and demands, “So how long is he going to be dead?!”

Okay so FINALLY, here’s where I turn to Adam’s oh so stellar performance. Adam mentioned in both the Q&A after this screening and in a previous interview that he had to learn the appropriate sense of “decorum” from Dan Jones that would befit a Senate staffer. Adam nailed it. He was playing a relatively low-ranking staffer, grappling with issues of abuse and mismanagement that would have incriminated all manner of public figures miles above him. He had no real power to do anything about the horrific truths he was unearthing, and yet there were too many moments when he seemed to be the only one who truly understood or cared for the truth. Adam played this tight-knit, occasionally fraying sense of necessary professionalism with just the right amount of restraint and understatement. His performance was never boisterous nor melodramatic. And yet, the ever more desperate edge to his dedication couldn’t have been more palpable. Adam’s performance delivered every bit of impact commensurate to the towering gravity of Dan Jones’ investigation.

And yet, for every bit that Adam’s performance remained appropriately understated (it never felt like anything but a true-to-life depiction; hardly ever making you aware you’re watching a dramatization), the depth and nuance in its subtlety was nothing short of masterful. His brief but singeing moments of frustration are short-lived but strike deeply. What really struck me though were two particularly powerful #King of Microexpressions moments.

When the threat of criminal charges for hacking into CIA records is raised against him and he sees a lawyer for the first time to assess his options. After he has to face the fact that this is more complicated than his repeated assertion that “I didn’t do it. I didn’t do it.” He’s quiet for a moment, then asks in a soft, defeated voice, “How long could I go away?” The camera zooms close on Adam’s face when the lawyer responds “twenty years.” Adam’s face barely changes, and yet you can see that number settling into him with pained horror alongside incomprehension. It’s one of those moments where without saying anything, without barely even a gesture, Adam renders his character so desperately empathetic. As the viewer, you realize at that moment you’ve been building an irresistible and compelling emotional connection to him since the second you saw him the first time, and he didn’t even make you aware he was doing it.

The shot in the trailer of him sitting at a desk between the two giant stacks of his report papers. This is when the Senate Intelligence Committee is taking a vote whether to recommend the investigation for further action. I’m pretty sure Adam didn’t say a single line in this scene. Senator Feinstein called the Committee to vote, and as the voices around the table chime “aye” or “nay,” the camera does a slow pan on Dan sitting there, listening with his hands folded. You can barely trace the shifts in his expression. You can barely see anything discernible in his face, and yet simply by the way his shoulders move, the way his jaw shifts every so slightly, and the way he blinks – you’re right there on the edge of your seat with him. You can feel in your very soul his repressed, barely-controlled sense of desperation as the report that’s become his life’s work is put to a vote of either life or death.

Guys, just in case you didn’t realize this by now… Adam is a wonder and it simply defies my understanding how everyone in the whole world hasn’t come to consensus by now that he invented acting and everyone else can just go home and let him play every role ever.

Okay now the one kind of amusing bit in the film! Sadly most audience members won’t get the same kick out of this that we will, but Joanne is in the film playing a CIA staffer. She and Adam share one scene, in which she walks up to him and says, “Your face and your report are bullshit.”

INCREDIBLE. Roast your man, Joanne.

Although the movie tries to tie things up with the McCain-Feinstein anti-torture amendment that ended the EIT program and shows a quote by George Washington before the credits (in what to me seemed a bit of a forced attempt to put a comforting lid on everything) what left me feeling most helpless and frustrated was seeing how partisan politics repeatedly derailed meaningful action against the EIT program throughout the entire span of the film, and knowing full well that that’s exactly how DC still operates. There’s a scene where the timing of publishing the report is being debated. (“If we push this now, the Republicans will pull gun control. What if they pull healthcare?”) And to me, the most infuriating part is seeing the ethics by which our government runs constantly reduced to mere bargaining chips.

It seems there are no absolute lines of the permissible and impermissible. As we see, the CIA got away with torturing unarmed prisoners for years because they disguised it behind code words, wrapped it in nonsensical legal jargon to authorize it, engaged in some serious doublethink and called it a day. Constant debates that twist and manipulate the issues at stake can reduce every law to subjective application. Fallacies in logic and gruesome vengeance disguised as national security measures are defended without shame. The same modes of thinking that started the EIT program and sustained it for year upon shameful, unsuccessful year continue spinning the wheels of today’s destructive and shortsighted policies of self-interest and American exceptionalism.

OKAY, I’m off my soapbox now. Promise.

But last thing. Think about this for a crazy minute: Dan Jones’s report in full was some 7,000 pages. The only version that was ever published was heavily redacted down to a few hundred. What an incredible feat of scriptwriting that a five-year investigation that produced 7,000 pages worth of text was condensed down into a 2 hour movie.

((Also – I kept thinking at regular interviews during the film that holy shit this is giving me such strong vibes of my Presidential staffer Ben in my modern politics AU and I LOVED IT. I’m so extra inspired to press on writing!!))

End Spoilers: The Q&A afterwards! After the audience spent a few minutes giving Daniel Jones his much-deserved minutes of applause, the panel moderator started with a few questions, and here Jon Hamm and Annette Bening immediately started messing with Adam. (It’s clear they’re all buddies who love each other and I appreciate it so much :3) Whenever questions were posed generally to the cast, they would both immediately start passing the microphones down the line towards Adam, knowing full well that he wouldn’t want to talk but nudging him to do so anyway >:)) At one point he wound up with two microphones at the same time and started desperately shoving one back at Annette! For one question, before the microphones could be thrust upon him, as soon as Jon looked over towards him Adam sidestepped back behind the group and turned to start feeling the screen like he was looking for a way out. Lskdjflaskj DORK <3 Annette immediately teased him like “There’s no door, Adam!” and then on a later question that was also posed to “the cast,” Jon and Adam both started pretending to look for a door together. :’)

When responding to a question about what drew him to the role, Adam made a really interesting comment about Dan as a character who “gets the instructions for something to build, and it turns out he was building his own gallows.” (Video below!) He also spoke a bit as to the fact that he was intrigued to create a clear depiction of the internal effort to fact-find and implement accountability about such a contested, tangled issue for which a whole PR campaign existed to defend, even with misinformation.

Have I mentioned how GOOD he looked in that suit?! Somehow he looked extra tall, I thought. And again, I know people are concerned about how thin he is right now, but he really looked fine!! His face is definitely a bit thinner, but his face shape has often changed along with his physique whenever he’s buffed up or down. He still looked plenty solid and very very damn pretty. >:3

Being the adoring fangirls we are, we’re well familiar with Adam’s ~discomfort or stiffness when he’s forced to be in public and speak at things like this. (We love one (1) awkward antisocial man.) During this panel, even though his answers had his usual introspection and self-deprecating, unconscious charm, he seemed to have an extra air of seriousness/attentiveness to him when listening to others’ comments or to audience questions. While he was giving the serious topic every bit the gravity it deserved, he also seemed to be conscious of not seeming partisan to any particular political outlook? I mean, the audience would often clap when someone on the panel said something about how the takeaways from the film are still relevant to the dysfunction and hypocrisy in today’s political climate. Adam would join in the clapping, but something I’ve always respected about him is that he never infuses his persona opinions – whatever they may be – with discussion of his work or his approach to it. I think it takes a lot of hubris and self-awareness to maintain that distinction, and resist the temptation to use a public platform to advance your own opinions. But he never seems remotely interested in any such thing. AITAF advocacy is maybe the closest, but even in that context he remains very restrained.

Did I mention he looked Beautiful like a damn vision? ;____;

Okay so leaving the theatre, my and Sarah’s heads were reeling. There was SO much to process and discuss from the film, we were grabbing onto our favorite lines and moments to recall, which launched us into discussion about political affairs today, interspersed with the occasional “Can you BELIEVE Adam’s Power in that one scene?!” and basically it was my absolute favorite kind of impassioned conversation ever. <333

Time was ticking though, and just before 5 we needed to head back to the theater entrance before Marriage Story started at 5:30. Okay and here – as if we hadn’t already endured enough emotional walloping today – came two massive emotional rollercoasters right after the other! With how little time we had between the films, it was difficult for us to get into the red carpet crowd just beforehand. But as we turned the corner, we heard shouts of his name and !!!!!! there he was outside signing!! Bless his heart, he was across the street from the theatre signing for the long line of people on the other side who I hadn’t seen anyone go over to that morning. :’) Sarah and I ran over to try to join the end of the line and he almooooost got down to us, but it was a little too dicey with the line being kind of chaotic where the barrier ended. But WE WERE SO CLOSE TO HIM. HE WAS RADIANT EVEN WHILE LOOKING ADORABLY SLIGHTLY GRUMPY WHILE HE UNCOMPLAININGLY TOOK PHOTOS AND HE’S THE BEST AND MOST EXQUISITE EVER

I can just imagine in his head like halfway down that line: “oh god this was a mistake. Adam what did you do.” <3333

Emotional rollercoaster moment #2: Because Adam and ScarJo were both out signing, the sidewalk right in front of the theater had been barricaded off. This meant that we weren’t allowed to enter the theater until they both went inside, which only left us a few minutes to spare! We rushed to the entrance, but alas there was a problem with scanning our tickets, so we were told to go to the Box Office to get them reprinted. We’re already on edge, afraid we’re going to miss the beginning of the film, when the woman at the Box Office tells us she can’t reprint the tickets because the name on them doesn’t match ours. (We bought them from a resale site so of course it didn’t…)

Even after showing her every email we had documenting payment and that the tickets were transferred through an official sale site, she remained adamant it was policy that she couldn’t print the tickets. Clearly, we were kind of devastated for a moment there, thinking we’d just paid way over face value for these tickets that weren’t even going to work. But Sarah, bless her soul, had the idea to leave, then go back in through a different door with a different ticket scanner person. The tickets still didn’t scan correctly, but we told the woman scanning that we’d already ambiguously “checked” with the box office, and honestly I think she was just a very nice person and could sense our Desperation, so SHE LET US IN. Woman – wherever you are right now, know that we love you and are forever indebted to you. ;___;

By the time we got to our seats, Noah Baumbach was already on stage introducing the film. But luckily we were in our seats, we had caught our breath and clutched each other in rejoicing relief before Noah introduced the cast and brought Adam and Scarlett on stage. Queue lots of enthusiastic applause! Someone in the audience yelled, “We love you Scarlett!” There were some whoops through the theater, then someone else yelled, “And we love you too, Adam!” and he did an adorable awk wave of appreciation and have I meNtiOnED this giant of a man is the softest and most precious being to ever grace this world????? And I’m not sure if it’s come up yet or if maybe I haven’t mentioned? But I really really really love him? ;____;

Thank gosh Sarah caught it! Painfully presh video of our painfully presh man!

Marriage Story: (Again, there will be spoilers)

Oh god, okay. This one was a beast of massively epic proportions that I was not nearly prepared for. It takes you on an intense fucking ride that spans every possible angle of passion between two people, ranging from love to hatred. To be entirely honest, I had gone into the day more excited for The Report because the subject matter was of such interest to me, and because I’m not usually one to really enjoy real-life dramas all that much.

But this fucking movie was Exquisite from the very first shot. The film opens with the “What I love about Nicole / What I love about Charlie” voice overs, and within the span of mere minutes you already feel deeply for these characters. You already feel as if they’ve been your close friends all your life, and instead of just entering your awareness abruptly – they’ve lived entire lives with ups and downs, mistakes and successes for as long as you can remember.

The movie is a sweeping epic, and yet remains achingly resonant and relatable. Charlie and Nicole’s relationship is passionate, fiery, and riddled with both miscommunications and repressed resentments. You rarely see a (doomed) love study played out with such complexity and fireworks. And yet, their frustrations, desires, and victories/losses both large and small are completely credible. Relationships are messy, and this film doesn’t shy away from their absolute darkest and even cruelest corners - even while maintaining sparkling moments of human connection that somehow survive alongside even the most difficult challenges.

The film is a brilliant study of contradictions. As Charlie and Nicole move through the divorce process, their control over it and the very narrative of their own lives becomes appropriated by their respective lawyers. The beginning of the film showed us the tenderness and deep understanding that exists between these characters, so the stories the legal teams spin seem ridiculously far afield from reality. The beginning of the film brought us into a rich world between these characters that was natural and so effortlessly believable (long, uncut monologues of dialogue; characters wandering from room to room as they talk – It’s masterfully and deceptively purposeful filmmaking that completely hides all trace of itself). Then later, listening to the lawyers concoct disingenuous legal narratives to “win” rather than tell any truth of reality is a towering contrast. The lawyers seize on the smallest tiny things Nicole or Charlie did in previous scenes (Nicole finishing a bottle of wine in one night with her family; Charlie forgetting to strap in their son’s car seat once) to paint them as habitual alcoholics or neglectful, absent parents. As the divorce proceedings escalate, things become distorted past recognition – twisted into abstracted and even absurd depictions of these two characters, between which we simply can’t decide whom we feel more sympathy for.

And then, following a gloves-off divorce hearing couched in legalese where neither side gives any quarter, you have a scene that’s quiet and effortlessly heartwarming. Nicole calls Charlie because the power’s out at her house and could he try to fix the power box in the front yard? He comes over, he works on the box, they pass their sleeping son between them (“Maybe he should just sleep here?” “But it’s my night.”), and then they both have to manually pull the gate on the driveway closed from either side – Nicole inside, Charlie outside. They look at each other as they pull the gate, perfectly in sync and their gazes locked, until the gate slides closed in the inches just between their faces. The movie is littered with these tiny gorgeous moments that just tear at your heart.

Or, the moment in the middle of negotiations between their lawyers when everyone decides to pause and order lunch. Charlie is handed the menu and he simply stares at it helplessly, uncomprehending because he’s still trying to work through the shock of their new reality that was just being argued over by the lawyers with such casual cruelty. Everyone stares at him for a long minute, until Nicole gently takes the menu from his hands and says, “I’ll order for him.” She knows just what to order – a salad with a specific type of dressing – and he quietly, almost absently agrees, “Yes, I’ll have that.”

The film takes pains to be even in presenting both sides of the story, and giving Nicole and Charlie equal screen time. I spent the entirety of the movie switching my sympathies back and forth between the two of them. By the film’s end, I understood both of their positions and experiences completely, as well as how much their perspectives on all they shared had come to oppose each other. Even though it’s impossible for either us or the characters to understand how they developed such divergent perspectives on their marriage, all parties involved have to face just how irreconcilable their grievances have become and how differently they each view the fundamental shortcomings of their marriage.

Being the annoying feminist viewer that I am, I was completely absorbed by Nicole’s monologue early on, the first time she meets with her lawyer (Laura Dern). She comes clean with the whole account of how she feels no control over her own life, and the longer she spent with Charlie and living in Charlie’s world, the “smaller” she was becoming. She felt that he didn’t respect her interests or her undertakings, when they weren’t connected to his theatre company. In essence, she feels she never got to be anything other than what he made her.

With that background of her position, I absolutely wanted Nicole to build her own life apart from him and find her own sense of personhood. One where she makes her own decisions and follows her own passions. In her recounting, she keeps saying that she’s used to part of her feeling “dead inside,” in terms of not feeling truly engaged with or in control of what she’s doing with her life. Taking a television acting job in California – separate from Charlie’s theatre company where she was the star under his direction, where he called the shots and she supported “his genius” – was the first time she did something bold for herself. This was also after repeatedly expressing to Charlie that she wanted to spend more time in California (where her family live), and Charlie never seeming to seriously consider the idea. Nicole felt she didn’t really have a voice, living shrouded in Charlie’s shadow.

But also being the annoying Adam fangirl I am, I was drawn in by Charlie’s charisma, by his effortless and guileless charm. I may have “sided” with Nicole towards the beginning of the story, resenting the small ways we could see that Charlie might have unconsciously been controlling (“Did you change your hair? I like it better long.”), but as the story progresses, so does Charlie’s unraveling. His world begins to crumble and fall apart before his very eyes, and even though he tries his best, he’s unable to do a single thing to stop it. Once Nicole gets her high-powered, cutthroat lawyer involved, things escalate beyond all control at breakneck pace. Suddenly he finds himself having to hire lawyers he can’t afford just to prevent the possibility that their 8 year old son Henry might move permanently to California with Nicole and Charlie might not get any custody; or that Nicole will take most of their shared assets and he’ll have nothing left to fund his theatre company with.

Neither of them mean for the negotiations to reach some vindictive heights, but suddenly they both find themselves fighting just to be able to live the life they each think is theirs.

Charlie finds himself having to move temporarily to California and rent an apartment so he can see his son and so Nicole’s lawyers can’t try to depict him as neglectful. We know he’s anything but. The first scenes in the film showed him being so patient and good with Henry that we could just about cry at the injustice.

(There’s the most darling scene at the beginning where little Henry comes into their bedroom, pokes Charlie saying “Dad? I had a nightmare.” Charlie gets up and comes to lay down in Henry’s bed with him. When he tries to get up, Henry asks him to stay, but there’s not really enough space for both of them in the bed so Charlie shifts to sleep on the floor. Queue a shuffling sequence where Henry goes to sleep on the floor next to his dad, Charlie goes up into the bed when it’s empty, then shortly thereafter Henry climbs up on top of Charlie so they both fit in the bed and fall asleep there. Yeah, MY HEART.)

As the accusations start flying when things are on the line during the divorce proceedings, this huge element of performativity comes into play. In a way it’s fitting, since they both work in theater, but these roles of enemies they suddenly have to perform is also terribly heartbreaking. (Also going back to the contrasts I mentioned earlier between the true essence of their relationship and their easy, ceaseless intimacy; vs the cold-hearted narratives forced on them both through the divorce proceedings.)

But in some ways, they’re not just playing the roles. There are two sides to passion, and just like they once cared about and loved each other so intensely (in some ways, they still do), there is also a shadow side to emotions of that intensity. In a catharsis that is much-needed after the austere, inhumane ways their relationship problems were discussed through their lawyers and absolutely devastating to watch in its destruction, their belated attempt to “talk” escalates into all-out war. “Talking” was the route Charlie first wanted to take – no lawyers involved – but which Nicole spurned. I was frustrated with her throughout the film for never fully communicating with him her expectations regarding their separation, but upon further reflection I understand that she might have feared that if they managed it on their own, it would turn into him managing it and her voice would once again disappear. Something along these lines rushes out during this scene of purging their demons and years of budding resentments and secrets all in one near-fatal blow.

(I’m about to quote a few sporadic lines I remember, but I have to say watching this scene with no idea of the savagery that was coming delivered absolutely lethal power, so I kind of advise not knowing the specific lines? Plus they’re a hundred times more powerful on screen, with these top-tier actors delivering them with every bit of feeling they possess. Skip to after both sets of ///// if you don’t want to know! But quoting here for those who don’t know if/when they’ll see the film ☺ These are definitely not in order and they jump around but whew, every moment when they were screaming these lines is simply unforgettable.)

/////////////////

Charlie: “Oh you just like to play the victim. We were happy. YOU were happy. Until you decided you weren’t anymore.”

Nicole: “You are just like your father!”

Charlie: “Don’t you EVER say that! Don’t you ever compare me to my father. You’re the one just like your mother. And your sister - you’re the worst of all of them combined.”

Nicole: “You slept with Donna!”

Charlie: “One time! Because you stopped having sex with me! For a whole year you shut me out and I didn’t know what to do. And after I gave up so much for you.”

Nicole: “Oh what you gave up?!”

Charlie: “I was in my 20s! I had my first solo work, I was successful, I wanted to fuck everyone but I didn’t. Because I loved you and I didn’t want to lose you. But I- I missed out on so much.”

Nicole: “You are SO selfish, you can’t even separate anything else from your own self-interest! You can’t even see me as something separate from yourself!”

Charlie: “So you hate me! You wish you’d never married me, fine, but god this last year it’s like you hated me!”

Nicole: “And I did! I do! (Screaming helplessly) I can’t believe I have to know you for the rest of my life!!”

Charlie: (Savagely snarling) “Maybe you don’t because I hope you get sick and die. I hope you get hit by a car tomorrow!”

///////////////

This scene escalates and escalates until they’re both in these uncontrollable, violent piques of rage. Charlie punches a hole in the wall, and things simply get uglier and uglier until they are screaming at each other the most horrible things each can think of with every bit of vitriol they can possibly muster. The build up in the scene is masterful, and the performances are simply stellar. You can feel that they are pissed as all hell at each other – that this is literally years of unspoken, repressed feelings all being torn out. But you can also feel that both of them are in such awful pain. Both of them are actively bleeding as the scene progresses, but it’s because both of them still care so much. It’s because there are still feelings there, and there always will be no matter what either of them do. That’s why the emotions are so desperate and searing off the screen.

After Charlie spits the final horrific line in her face, he sinks to the floor and weeps for it. It ends with her comforting him, and him putting his arms around her knees.

And – just fuck me up completely, why don’t you – if you thought that scene was the biggest beating your heart would have to take in this movie, THINK AGAIN BUDDY.

Because. Whew. My god. Words are going to fail me in describing this scene but I’ll do my best to go for it.

Months have passed since their fight, and grab every box of tissues in existence, because here’s the rumored scene where Adam sings “Being Alive” from Company. Now, I had somehow completely forgotten about this going into the film. So when Charlie stands up in the cabaret restaurant with his theatre group back in New York and starts jokingly singing the words when the pianist starts the song, I was just like ‘oh haha he’s singing! Wow!’

Charlie moves to sit back down after the first verse, still mostly fun and games…. But then the words draw him back as the song continues. He gravitates towards the small stage and the microphone, and little by little the joking edge melts away. Emotional gravity rises behind his voice little by little, until suddenly the words are loud and ringing and gorgeous, and there is palpable heartbreak in his eyes as the words begin to take the exact shape of all he has lost.

Now, we’ve heard snippets of Adam singing in Hungry Hearts and Inside Llewyn Davis and even briefly in Burn This. But. People…. You have never heard or seen anything like this. I don’t even mean from Adam. I mean… in your life. I mean: This scene literally stirred such a profound reaction in me; I didn’t know it was possible for an actor to evoke feelings like this. And imagine, this was on-screen performance. The entire theater applauded when the song ended, and I was in tears.

The song encapsulated in truly heartbreaking beauty the revelation Charlie was having of all he once had – every part of love that is both good and bad; cherished and difficult. And in possibly the most tragic contrast of the whole film: He is singing about love making it worthwhile to be alive – of how he’s now essentially left searching for what will now make his life worth living; while across the country Nicole is finally feeling “alive” for the first time, after years of being plagued by the feeling of part of her being dead beyond reach.

Yeah. I could spend thousands of words just trying to describe the devastating power and beauty of this scene, but no matter what words I use or how I phrase it, I’m going to come up short. It’s simply beyond description. Adam is beyond description. You’d think because I literally couldn’t love him more if my life depended on it that I couldn’t be so stunned by new demonstrations of his talent??? But jesus CHRIST. This man is a force that defies comprehension. To my ear, his voice sounded strong but untrained, and that was what made it so heartrendingly magnificent. In the held notes, his voice will crest into the gentlest vibrato as his emotions build, and I couldn’t tell you whether it’s the song that Adam disappears into, or if it’s Adam purposefully weaving every single element at play here into the most moving minutes of performance you’ve ever seen. Either way: The scene will ruin you utterly, and you will love it beyond comprehension.

I know a clip of this scene will certainly hit the internet as soon as the whole film becomes available, but god I almost wish that everyone has to watch it in context with everything that’s come before it. Because knowing every bit that Charlie has suffered along the way, understanding the way his heart is continuously breaking with each of the words-…. God, it’s too much.

Next up on Adam Driver Eviscerates Your Heart And You Thank Him Profusely For It: The scenes where he cries are just as painful as you think they’d be. Probably even more so, because he’s a talented jerk like that who takes no pity on us at all.

The first major crying scene is when he and his lawyer go off into a side room during a break in the first meeting on divorce terms. It’s just dawning on Charlie that Nicole probably has no intent to bring Henry back to New York, and unless Charlie does something serious, Henry might never live there with him again. While the lawyer’s talking, Charlie silently lowers his head, and suddenly the tears just rise up over him. It’s quiet and he only shakes slightly, but god do you feel for him.

The second time is…. lord, yet another moment that’s utterly heartbreaking and yet one of the most beautiful moments of film you’ve ever seen. This is the final scene in the film, and it references back to one of the first, where Charlie and Nicole try to go to a divorce counselor, who requests that they each write down the things they love about the other and then read them aloud. These are the lists each of them voiceover in the trailer and that play at the film’s very beginning. But during this session, Nicole refused to read her list aloud, because she didn’t “like what she wrote.” So Charlie never heard her list about him.

In this final scene, Charlie hears Henry reading something aloud in his bedroom. Henry had been struggling with reading, so Charlie immediately comes in to listen and help him. Charlie sits down on the bed with him, and realizes what it is Henry’s reading. Charlie helps him with the words he can’t pronounce, and then halfway through Henry hands him the list. “You finish reading it, Dad.”

Charlie continues reading the list, and it goes on much longer than the version we heard in Nicole’s voiceover. As Charlie’s reading aloud, Nicole appears in the doorway and begins to listen without Charlie realizing. He manages to read it all relatively evenly… until he reaches the end.

“I fell in love with him…” Charlie stops suddenly, and in an instant his mouth is trembling, the tears are brimming over, and he is fighting desperately to hold back the onslaught of tears in front of his son, even as it overtakes his entire body. Finally, he is able to finish: “I fell in love with him seconds after I saw him, and I’ll always love him. Even if it doesn’t make sense.” In the door, Nicole fights off her own tears.

This film is cinema at its very best. I know this is an incredibly bold statement, but: It just might be Adam’s best role to date.

End Spoilers: Q&A!

I WAS STILL SO STUNNED BY THE SINGING SCENE THAT I ASKED ADAM ABOUT IT AND JUST TO ROUND OUT FROM THE HAND TAKEN VIDEO ABOVE THIS IS THE OFFICIAL ONE AND THAT’S ME YOU CAN JUST BARELY HEAR AT 17:45!!!!!

 CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT HAPPENED??? BECAUSE I CAN’T AND I WAS THERE. BYE I think I’m having an out of body experience taking in the fact that I’m watching this vid of Adam WATCHING ME OMG HE WAS SQUINTING INTO THE AUDIENCE TO SEE ME AND LEANING FORWARD TO HEAR ME SOMEONE HOLD ME I’M WEEPING HE WAS TALKING TO MEASKDFJALKSFJ

Ahem.

From Noah’s comments throughout the panel, it was amazing to hear how much of this movie was truly a collaborative process between him and Adam. In many ways, Noah built this role and film around Adam. He said that he and Adam had focused on the scene of him performing “Being Alive” very early on, and Noah structured the script to work towards that vision. Though he already had the idea of working in themes of performance and theatre, it was Adam’s idea to make Charlie a theatre director. I absolutely love hearing that Noah essentially wanted to make a film where elements of who Adam is in real life or his interests in what he wanted to play in a character were built into the heart of the script.

Someone asked Noah why he likes dysfunctional families so much and he replied “What other kind are there?”

Most of the other things said during the Q&A had already been echoed in other interviews. Plus I sometimes have trouble processing memories while Adam’s talking/standing in front of me because slkdjflsakjfdklsf just taking in the sight of him is a fucking lot to process :’’’’’’’)

“A fucking lot to process” is actually a perfectly apt summary of the day in its entirety! When Sarah and I got back to the hotel, we discovered it had a jacuzzi on the rooftop! That was truly the best soak ever, to soothe away the emotional overload and talk through all of our many, many thoughts on the two stellar films we’d just had the privilege of seeing.

Writing through this entire massive thing was also a huge help to work through all my complex feels about these films. As you might have gathered, I can’t recommend them highly enough. And as you also might suspect – Adam is an absolute force to be reckoned with in both. Seeing two of his most powerful performances ever back to back (and then getting to hear him talk about each in person!) was truly an experience I’ll never forget.

A massive thank you to anyone who persevered through reading all that!! I love writing analyses not only to work through my emotional response to sweeping works like this, but also to remember every bit of the impact. Give it a share if you don’t mind helping a girl out? :) I’m not on twitter at all so it’d be much appreciated!

(...have I mentioned I love Adam and I’m in awe of every single thing he does? Shower this man with Oscars already?!)

#Adam Driver #TIFF #driverdaily #Toronto International Film Festival #The Report #Marriage Story #TIFF 2019

[mtvswatches]

Wynonna Earp 3x03 Colder Weather

Click here for previous recaps!

Stray thoughts

1) They’re doing a Dolls retrospective in the previously-on and oh God, it’s going to be one of those episodes, am I going to cry my heart out?

2) Wynonna is sad, drunk, and angry – a dangerous combination. Yep.

3) God, they even changed the music for this episode… They’re really going for emotional devastation, aren’t they?

4) So, the vampire lady that had Doc all tied up in the season opener is back. He called her Countessa, but then she begged him to say her name, and I wonder if this has some other meaning? Like, maybe she needs him to say her name for some spell or something? I don’t know. Anyway, apart from being a vampire, she moonlights as a seer. And she tells Doc that she’d seen a warrior would die – Dolls – and that he should give up trying to get with Wynonna because she loved Dolls, too, and he’d be forever competing with Dolls’ ghost. Ouch.

5) Really, dude?

6) Waverly and Nicole are having a very important conversation that everyone should have with their loved ones – what happens with my remains when I die? I’ve had this conversation several times with different people and they’re all very much aware of what I want to be done with my body, but I guess I’ll be dead and they can do whatever they want and  I’ll never find out. Anyway, Nicole’s wish is to have a sky funeral, which sounds whimsical and cute but it’s actually pretty gross.

7) Uh-oh. Waverly has just found out that her father – well, not her father-father, you know what I mean – had only made arrangements for her mother’s and Wynonna’s burials, not hers… and that’s so unnecessarily cruel? Did they adopt her or were they charged with her? I really need to find out what’s the whole story about Waverly and the Earps!

8) Wynonna is in denial. She continues binge-drinking and shooting Peacemaker, but she’s not finding any peace. It’s Doc who can finally comfort her and convince her to pay their respects to Dolls. They actually comfort each other…

9) Who dis?

10) Waverly is kind of freaking out, saying she’s hungry and how that reminds her that Dolls will never eat again and then she starts laughing (her little breakdown reminded me a bit of Anya’s in The Body…) and Doc then smashes a glass against the wall (kind of like what Xander did in The Body…) They’re preparing a wake for Dolls at Shorty’s, which I guess we’ll end up being more like a sad party with everyone getting drunk and shots being fired because nothing can go right in Purgatory, not even a wake.

11) So, I took an instant liking to Star Hand guy for some reason, and thankfully, he seems to be Dolls’ friend. Doc is demanding evidence, as he should. Question is, how did he find out Dolls was dead? Is he a Black Badge agent, too? Did he come here to say his goodbyes or is he going to be a mainstay? And with this I’m reminded of…

12) Hmm. I have some questions…

NICOLE: My parents were travelling again and they told me I could go to this music festival with my aunt and uncle. Here. WAVERLY: In the Ghost River Triangle? NICOLE: There was an attack. A man in leather. So much screaming and blood. WAVERLY: The demon Dolls killed at the cliff? Bondage Bob? NICOLE: For years, my parents just told me that everybody died in a forest fire and that I had... I had somehow escaped, but... you know, it just didn't explain the nightmares. WAVERLY: Yeah, I've... I've heard them. NICOLE: Last spring, when... Widow Mercedes said his name... Bulshar... it was like this shotgun went off in my head. And Dolls helped me. He got me files, he... he told me that... Black Badge had been covering up these massacres for years. The Cult of Bulshar.

I’m not sure I’m on board with this backstory they gave Nicole literally out of nowhere? And the same demon that committed this massacre is the guy Dolls killed on the hill? The one Waverly names “Bondage Bob”? I just… I don’t totally buy it. I know it could be completely possible for her to have suppressed these memories because of trauma, but… it all feels a bit thrown together at the last minute? Why couldn’t she just be a human, a kickass human but a human nonetheless? Why does she also need a supernatural and traumatizing backstory? I don’t know, I’m still a bit iffy about the whole thing.

13) Will this turn into a supernatural version of “P.S. I Love You”?

14) Obviously, Dolls knew he was going to die, hence the ominous letter. Wynonna takes it out on Jeremy because he knew and he was trying to help Dolls but he didn’t say anything to anyone else, trying to respect Dolls’ wishes. Wynonna feels betrayed, but I don’t really get why? First of all, all of them know they can die at any time, that’s part of the gig, right? So yeah, Dolls being aware of his own mortality shouldn’t be that surprising considering his line of work. Second of all, they all witnessed that this dragon-power was taking a toll on him, didn’t they? Am I crazy? So yeah, Wynonna might have pretended it wasn’t an issue, but she knew, they all knew… I guess it’s easy when you’re mourning someone’s death to have someone to blame, but Jeremy hardly deserves it.

15) So, Quinn, Xavier’s friend, is all chummy with Doc and I’m here for it. Wynonna asks Doc if he knew Dolls was dying, and Quinn is like “duh! Of course, he was!”, which was exactly my reaction. Wynonna is not an idiot, so she had to be in complete denial not to see that he was dying. Anyway, apparently, he was also Black Badge.

16) Oh, great. The fucking revenants stole all the serum Doc had concocted for Dolls and are streamlining it. This should end well.

17) So, Jeremy placed a coded message for Dolls’ friends to come to his funeral. See? How can you be angry at Jeremy?

18) Wynonna wonders why Dolls didn’t attempt to do anything to get better, and the answer is blatantly obvious for both Quinn and Doc – because of her. I’m guessing she’ll take this information to further flagellate herself over Dolls’ death.

19) The vampire lady, Katalin, stole Waverly’s purse, for some reason, maybe she’s a klepto or something, but she didn’t use any of her vampire powers to do it? Like, she just grabbed and took off, awkwardly running in her heels? Kind of disappointing, but also super hilarious.

20) Ay…

21) Waverly enlists Doc to help her get Dolls’ letter back, and they sneak out all secretive, but… it’s a wake with literally 5 freaking guests… I think the three people left will eventually notice they’re gone?

22) “Why torture yourself? I don’t.” HA! Yeah, right!

23) Quinn suggests that Black Badge is not really gone – well, duh – and that they might come to retrieve what’s left of Dolls…

24) Yep. A bunch of jacked-up revenants have just crashed the party. Coolio.

That’s alright, Wynonna’s got it.

25) I do appreciate a good early 00s callback…

26) WTF

27) OMG, Waverly trying to lose it and turn the table but realizing it’s too heavy and then just throwing the cards on the floor and giving a little shout? *chef’s kiss*

28) Oh, shit, Katalin now knows what Waverly is?! What is she???

29) Aw, Nicole just set Wynonna straight, told her that everyone is grieving Dolls just as much as she is and that she should go apologize to Jeremy. I do really love their quiet yet strong bond.

30) Quinn is fucking torturing Jeremy with a goddamn stapler and why does everyone keep treating Jeremy like crap? Quinn wants to get Jeremy’s drugs to become a dragon and storm BB headquarters. Wynonna gets through to him by admitting that she is also haunted by the ghosts of the people she lost, but their best revenge is to go on living. Be brave. Live. For me.

31) Ouch, I didn’t know that something as small as Wynonna giving Quinn Dolls’ badge would hurt like a bitch, but it did.

32) Damn, damn, damn.

That whole scene simply destroyed me. Wynonna finally decided to cremate Dolls’ body to prevent BB from coming after it to continue experimenting on him. And then they bury him, each of them placing a personal item that symbolizes their relationship to Dolls. It fucking devastated me.

33) Waverly asks Wynonna what her plans are for when she passes, casually mentioning that she doesn’t have a spot on the Earp’s burial site. Wynonna doesn’t make a big deal of it, and instead, tells Waverly that they will live for about another 80 years and then, they’ll be buried together at the homestead. That’s all the reassurance Waverly needs. She might not be an Earp, but she’s Wynonna’s sister, and that’s all that matters.

34) Damn, Dolls.

35) Does Katalin spend the whole day playing with her Tarot cards? #quarantinemood

So… she admits that she only stole Waverly’s purse to get Doc’s attention. They have a short conversation about the days of yore and then…

Damn Doc, he can’t just keep it in his pants, can he?

36) That was an emotional rollercoaster of an episode. Dolls wasn’t one of the characters I loved the most, but I understand how important he was to the narrative and to each of the characters, so I’m glad to see he got a proper send-off. I really hate it when shows gloss over the aftermath of a main character’s death and skip forward all the grieving and uncomfortableness of mourning. That being said, this being a supernatural show and all, I’m skeptical that this was the last we’ll see of Dolls. Anything can happen, right?

37) Hope you enjoyed my recap, and, as usual, if you’ve got this far, thank you for reading! If you enjoy my recaps and my blog, please consider supporting it on ko-fi. Thanks!

#Wynonna Earp #Xavier Dolls #Doc Holliday #Waverly Earp #Nicole Haught #Wynonna Earp 3x03 #WE 3x03 #WE recap #recap #mine

[hyunjilicious]

Coffee Shop AU/College experience - Shawn Mendes

A/n: I love this with all my heart and i trully hope you will too!

Summary: Y/n works at a coffee shop and one day her boss asks her for help with hiring a musician. Shawn shows up at the auditions and this is their story. Shawn’s a gentleman and this story contains FLUFF and SMUT and 0 angst  because everyone is happy!

Word count: +12k (this killed me so please don’t let it be for nothing)

I love you, i hope you like this and if you do please don’t hesitate to tell me!

-

"(Y/n)?" your boss called after you, "Come here for a second" "Uh-" you mumbled, thinking what to do first, "Just a second" You gathered the slices of pie you just cut and the two cups of coffee you just filled, put them on a tray, rushed to drop them off at the table that ordered them, and then made your way into your boss's so called office. "Uh, yeah?" you said walking in and sitting down on the small couch opposite his desk. "I decided to finally hire someone to play in here" he said, shuffling through a mountain of documents on his desk, "A few people have applied for the post and they're coming in tomorrow morning. I was thinking maybe you could help me out. Like give me a second opinion?" "Oh, sure! Finally, can't wait" you rushed to say. James started this business less than three months ago, and that was his original idea, but until now, money didn't allow him to go forward with his plan. You were all like a family there, so you knew very well how much he waited for this moment, so the simple fact that he chose you out of everyone to help him with something like this, made you slightly nervous. "Can you be here at 8?" he asked "Sure" "You're still on for the afternoon shift, though" "Yeah, of course, no problem" you agreed and after he went on to tell you about the plans he had for the coffee shop you returned to your post. The rest of the day went by pretty fast, and before you knew it, it was morning, and you and James were ready to meet the first person that applied for the job. Nothing could have prepared you for the multitude of personalities you were going to be faced with, almost none of them failing to leave you speechless, and not in the good way.

"Hi man" the first person said, "I'm Carl, when can i start?" "Hi, Carl" your boss greeted, "Just let us hear you first and if we decide you're for fit for the job we'll call you back, and you could probably start next week" Carl's eyes went wide in disappointment, and he looked at you, probably hoping you would step in. His appearance threw you off a bit, black leather from head to toe, pitch black eye shadow around his eyes and tattoos all over his neck, so the only thing you managed to do was send him a slightly reassuring smile as you motioned for him to sit down and start playing. Despite the fact that no one knew, you could sing, very well actually, so it wasn't hard for you to tell that Carl didn't hit any of the notes. His guitar was out of tune and his lyrics were beyond offensive, so you and James didn't waste a second before telling him he wasn't what you were looking for. The next person was a 50-something year old woman, that brought along a tambourine and proceeded to harmonise with her cat. Needless to say, she wasn't hired either. The next few people that entered the shop did relatively well, and you wrote down their names on a piece of paper. "The last ones were fairly good" you confessed as you waited to see whether someone else was going to show up, "But im not a fan of any of them" "Yeah, me neither" James sighed rubbing his palms along his face, "I might need to postpone this, I wanna be satisfied with the person we hire" "Yeah well" you said, trying to lift his mood, "we still have 30 minutes left, who knows what rockstar is gonna walk through that door?" "I don't want a rock start though, I dont need anyone to scare my customers away" he joked "We'll see" you laughed, and before you managed to continue with his joke, the door opened, as probably what was the last applicant walked in. You've never been good at reading people, but this boy yelled talent and charisma. Well, soon to be discovered charisma, as his cheeks were on fire while he struggled to keep his breathing regulated. "Hi, hello" he mumbled shyly, tugging at the roots of his curls at the back of his head, "I'm here to apply for the-" "Sure! Yes" James beamed, gesturing for the new boy to sit down on his designated chair. You couldn't help but smile broadly as you made eye contact with the stranger and considering how bad his hands were shaking around his guitar case, you decided to look away, in order to not make him even more nervous than he already was, "What's your name?" you asked kindly after you introduced yourself. "I'm Shawn, Mendes, nice to meet you" he mumbled, setting his guitar into his lap, and waited to see if you we're going to ask anything else. Normally, James would've asked about experience and stuff like that, but considering how Shawn was already sweating buckets in front of you, he decided against it, and urged the boy to just start playing. "Yeah, ok" Shawn whispered to himself as he wiped his palms against his jean covered thighs. A few seconds later, he started playing, and even though he probably wasn't the biggest talent you have ever seen, he was something else. He was way too good for this position, way too involved in the song that you later found out he actually wrote himself, way too genuine for this kind of gig, but neither you, nor James took that into consideration when you offered him the job on the spot. "Are you serious?" he asked shocked "Don't be so surprised" your boss chuckled, "You're really good" "Yeah, that song?" you laughed, all of a sudden completely mesmerized by this boy and his small performance, "Is this what you do? I mean you obviously know some stuff" "Um- well yeah, I'm focusing on music, that's what I want to do. Gotta start somewhere right?" he chuckled sweetly, starting to regain his composure. "Well Shawn" your boss said standing up to shake his hand, "I'm glad you're starting with us" "Thank you so, so much" he exclaimed, before moving to shake your hand too. The coffee shop was supposed to undergo a few minor changes here and there in order to set up a small stage-like area, and since it was a few days until it would all be ready, your boss decided Shawn should start on Monday, this way allowing a 4 day time period for the renovation process. "Turn the sign around on your way out" your boss joked as Shawn was about to leave, "You're one of us now" With a small chuckle, he waved you two goodbye and proudly spun the little "Open/Closed" sign before making his way out the door. "I'm so glad we found this guy" James sighed, turning on the machines as the customers were going flood in any second. "I know, right?" you laughed, picking up your bag, "See you in 4 hours" "Bye, (Y/n)" your boss yelled as he made his way into his back office, "Thanks again" For the next days, until Shawn was supposed to begin, you found yourself feeling like you were in high school all over again. You remembered what it was like to wait days for your geography class in order to see that ginger guy you were so scared to talk to, and you couldn't help but feel like this was exactly the same. There were supposed to be 3 hours of live music a week, one hour a day, on Mondays, Tuesdays and Sundays. You were thankful for the fact that your boss knew nothing about music and allowed Shawn to perform anything he wanted, as even if you had only heard one song, you could tell you were going to love the others as well. Saturday night, as you were going through your Instagram feed, a message from an unknown number popped up at the top of your screen. "Hey (Y/n), it's Shawn, I'm sorry I'm texting you like this, but I was hoping maybe I could send you a recording of the songs I chose for Monday and maybe you could tell me if they're ok. I don't want to let James down, and I'm thinking since you work there maybe you can help me. I totally get it if you don't have time or anything, so don't be afraid to tell me off and I'm sorry I'm putting this on you" As you read the text, your heart grew a bit. You read it again, and again, smiling more every time, and your palms got sweatier by the second as you tried to think of a response. "Hahah, hi Shawn, of course, send them to me!" "This means a lot, thank you, listen to them when you can, just you know, before Monday" A few seconds later, you received three attachments: "There's nothing holding me back", "She'll be the one", "Youth" You played them in that order, and the rollercoaster of emotions this boy sent you through was not something you anticipated. Your heart raced with unexplained jealousy as his deep and slightly raspy voice sang through your speakers, about a love so beautiful you could only see materialise in a book. The first song, its riff, the bridge, the lyrics, made you imagine what it would be like to have a song like that written about you. When the second one started, before you got a chance to analyse the words, you had built up a whole story inside your head, about how he's found a girl that would be his' in every sense of the word, only to have your world come crushing down as his voice reached your ears. You were not the kind to get easily impressed but goose bumps and tears started to mock you as the recording played on. The last song was exactly what you didn't need to hear. So beautifully constructed, and so perfectly played, you seriously found yourself speechless as you realised you had to give him your opinion. "These... these are incredible, wow" "They're good? Thank god" "They're good!? I hope you're just modest and actually realise what you have here" you typed out. "Stop lol" "Ok, so you know! Good!" "You'd tell me if they sucked, right?" "The vocals are honest, the guitar is catchy, well yeah they're no Bohemian Rhapsody but they're just so so good, I swear" "Thank you for tickling my ego, (Y/n)" "Any time, as long as you won't have anyone bawling their eyes out at that second song of yours, I think you're ok" "(Y/N)!! I'll change it" "I never said you should change it" As you waited for him to answer, bubbles kept appearing and disappearing, he kept typing and then erasing, he was nervous and it was basically your fault. "Just give me half an hour" he eventually said. "No! Don't change anything, keep the song, damn it!" After you replied, his fingers must've caught on fire as text after text from him kept showing up on your screen. "No, listen, I'm glad you told me, I've only played this to like 2 people before and I didn't realise what they were like" "I don't think it could make anyone cry, but if you find it sad, I don't want to play it in a cafe as 6 in the afternoon" "Are people gonna be sipping their coffees and go- who hurt this kid?" "Because I don't want that" "Don't leave me like this, I want to impress James" You rolled your eyes as your cheeks were beginning to hurt from the ridiculous smile this boy put on your face. You started to type an answer, but he wouldn't stop sending text after text, so on impulse, you pressed the call button and waited. "Yes?" Shawn's voice broke trough your speaker. "Change something and you're dead" "Wow ok-" he gasped, breathing out directly into he microphone, "I won't... Thanks" he said shyly. As much as you wanted right now to get more information about the songs, you decided against asking for details over the phone, " No problem, but I'm just curious-" you cringed, "What were you gonna do with that half an hour?" You refused to believe he was just going to come up with another song on the spot, and you were right. "I have a few more songs, I was gonna record another one for you" "Well honestly-" you sighed, driving a hand through your hair, "I'm not gonna stop you. I mean if you get bored you can record and send me more" "That's giving me anxiety" Shawn laughed, "But as soon as I have something decent, I'll send it to you" "I'm not gonna fight with you" you sighed, "I'm pretty sure everything you have passed decent a long time ago, but no hurry" "You're too sweet" Shawn chuckled, you heard the smile in his voice and imagined his rosy cheeks, it was impossible not to realise how nervous he got. "I appreciate this a lot" "No worries. Go work on your stuff, I'll see you on Monday" "Thanks Y/n" he said truthfully, "So much" "You got it!" You hung up the phone, and felt yourself morph into the cushions of your couch. Your heart was beating all the way up to your neck and the simply wasn't a way for you to unclasp your fingers from around your phone. Unsurprisingly, a few moments later, you found yourself listening to his recordings again... and again, and breathed in deeply as an idea materialised inside your head. You hurried to your room and pulled out your old guitar, feeling it in your hands bringing up so many memories from highschool, back when music was still your main focus. Getting the guitar out of the case felt surreal and to some extent, you regretted doing it as you knew the chances of letting it out of your hands in the near future were slim. As you listened to There's nothing holding me back over and over again, you couldn't help but find yourself trying to recreate it. You musical ear was unbeatable so it wasn't hard for you to pin point the exact rhythm and sound, and before you knew it, your fingers got a hold of the notes, hitting every single one of them. This applied only to the first part of the riff where the guitar was clear, as when he started singing and slowed down the beat, you got lost and couldn't hear anything exactly. Proud of yourself for achieving this, you busied yourself for the rest of the night, humming and playing along to whatever song came to mind, and couldn't stop smiling and gushing alone in your house thinking about what face Shawn would make if you just played him one of his own songs. Eventually, you stopped playing and even though you managed to not pick up the guitar again on Sunday, you didn't manage to keep him off your mind, so for the first time in your life, going to work on Monday felt like a breath of fresh air. As you approached the door at around 4pm, a small board that laid beside the entrance, reading "Live Music: Shawn Mendes, 6pm" in light blue chalk, caught your attention. Giggling, you walked inside, "I swear to god, we're so professional" you laughed, throwing your bag on a refrigerator and joining some of your colleagues in the back. "What are you talking about?" your boss yelled coming out of his office, a bowl of cereal in his hands, "We're like the epitome of professionalism" Dan walked into the room, shirtless, "Dude, you gave the kid that's coming to play today the keys, when he, by the way, doesn't need any, and he didn't even sign anything yet." he laughed. "He seems like a stand up guy" James said, munching on his lunch, "Cute ass too, I wonder if he's single" "Well, didn't this take an unexpected turn!" you exclaimed, going to change and get ready to start your shift. 10 minutes later you were sprinting from table to table, your mind already numb from how many orders you had been too lazy to write down, and were now trying to remember, "Hopefully they wanted almond syrup and not anything else" you thought to yourself as you filled a cup with hot chocolate. When you turned around to deliver to the tables the ridiculous amount of snacks you gathered on your tray, you saw Shawn enter the shop. You nodded to him, and upon making eye contact, his face lit up as he started walking towards you. "Hi, (Y/n)" he mumbled, following you around from table to table. "Why are you here so early?" you giggled, as you silently responded to the customers that thanked you. "I don't know how things go around here" he said, "Do you need help with that?" "Yeah, no, it's fine" you dismissed his offer, as you sat down that last of your orders. "And neither do I, so i can't really help you with that" You tried suggesting he found James and go from there, but hearing your words, panic washed over his face. To be honest, although the atmosphere around there was one of the friendliest and most laid back, you remembered how overwhelming your first day was, so you decided to help him. You led him to your boss's small office and uselessly knocked on the door. When he failed to answer, you turned the knob but it was for nothing as when you tried to push it open, it failed to move. "Shawn" you sighed, "James must've left" "Oh" he mumbled, eyes snapping to every direction as he turned to look at the shop and customers, then at you, then at the locked door. He opened his mouth to speak, failed for a second to form any kind of decent sentence and sighed deeply, "Ok" "Ok?" you pouted, "Come, I'll introduce you to the rest of the guys" Shawn just nodded and followed you. Only Dan was in at the moment, Mike and Luka probably being late as always. With his usual air of superiority, Dan tried his hardest to play off some kind of character in front of Shawn, but after a couple of minutes, he laid the guard down, realising his missconceptions were indeed, one more time, just uncalled for and unrooted. Even though they hit it off, Dan's schedule was much busier than yours so, for the hour that was left until Shawn had to start getting ready, you dragged with you, teaching him all the little things you had become so used to. After writing down on a piece of paper what three girls in the far corner of the cafe requested, you asked Shawn to go over to the counter and cut the two slices of cake they had asked for, while you went and handed the note to some other group of customers. As soon as he left, the peaceful sound of the chimes above the door reached your ears, but didn't acknowledge who came in until a small old lady tapped your shoulder. "Yes?" you smiled at her, taking in her genuinely sweet appearance. She seemed unable to do harm, the definition of a good, genuine person, so the fact that her eyes showed so much fear broke your heart. "Miss-" she spoke in a trembling voice, "Can you help me find my husband?" "Um..." you mumbled, taken aback by her question. "Is he- was he-" you stopped and cleared your throat, "We're you supposed to meet him here?" "No dear" the lady shook her head, "He was waiting for me outside the boutique on the other side of the road" "Ok" "But when I came out, he wasn't there anymore!" "Ok" you sighed, looking around you, as if you would have recognised her husband had you seen him. "Do you have a phone?" "I do" she smiled proudly, "But he doesn't" "Oh ok" you frowned, thinking of what the next step would be. Before you managed to open your mouth, Shawn came back to you. "Y/n" he called excitedly, "This ok?" You turned around. First your eyes met his and you unconsciously smiled, but then you saw the plate he was holding and noticed the pathetic excuse of a slice of cake he had - but no matter what, you didn't have the heart to tell him there was no way he could ever sell that to a customer. "It's good" you choked, completely failing to cover your feelings. "It's bad, isn't it?" he cringed, face falling as his features got covered in disappointment and desperation. "No, Shawn" you said, this time so much warmer as you placed your palm on the back of the hand he was holding the plate with, "It's ok, I promise but um-" you paused and turned to look at the old lady, but still addressed him as you spoke, "Can you take it to the-" "What's wrong?" Shawn asked, looking between the two of you. The lady explained again what had happened and he offered to go and help her look for her husband. After thanking him and taking the order to the table - but not until you fixed that awful slices Shawn cut, you tried to return to your post, but your mind was busy thinking about what could Shawn and the lady have been doing and how the search was going. "Any luck? :)" you typed and sent to Shawn. "Yes. We found her cat" he replied. "I'm not even gonna ask. Just go save the day" "She's not very helpful" "Ask if she has a picture of her husband. Maybe you'll see and recognise him" "Smart" Shawn texted and then after a minute or so, another message from him popped up on your screen. "Y/n..." "She doesn't have a picture?" you sent, laughing out loud in the middle of the coffee shop, already anticipating a multitude of weird scenarios. "She does lol" he replied, and then another bubble appeared, "BUT ITS THEIR WEDDING PHOTO" "Omg how cutee" you typed, "You're a nice guy and I know you're probably annoyed, but this is hilarious" "I'm not annoyed" he sent, "But I just hope her husband is real and that she's not crazy bc this cat already scratched me and I keep staring at every guy over 50 that walks past us. And it's uncomfortable" "I can't wait to see how this ends omg. Hurry" "I will I will" and with this, you shoved your phone back in your pocket and continued with your work. As you busied yourself with all the small things that were to be done behind the counter, minutes have passed without you taking any kind of notice. Before you knew it, someone tapped your shoulder and you were more than happy to see it was Shawn. "Oh god!" you gasped, smiling broadly as you looked up at him and met his exhausted stare, "Did you find him" "Yeees" he whined elongating the word, and leaned his head to the side as he raised his hand, carrying a yellow lily. "He went to buy her flowers and Maggie insisted I took one for you too" "Oh, how sweet" you gushed, taking the flower, "Thanks!" "I have one too" Shawn chuckled embarrassed. You grabbed the two lilies, took two small glasses from the back hoping no one would notice they were missing, and placed the flowers in water, on the side of the stage. Soon after, Shawn started to get ready, and as the evening was approaching, the cafe became so much more crowded. No matter how much you trusted him and believed in his songs, you still had butterflies in your stomach as you saw that most of the people simply couldn't look away from their phones and refused to pay any kind of attention to the stage. A change was still possible as Shawn was still tuning his guitar, and you sat down at the bar and turned around to listen to him perform. When he was ready, Shawn tapped the microphone faintly, and tried to introduce himself, but no one was listening. You turned to James who was making a cocktail behind the bar, and sent him a pleading look. Luckily enough, he took the hint and stormed to the stage, pushed Shawn aside and spoke loudly into the microphone. "Good evening!" he beamed. "Thanks for coming here tonight, as some of you might not know, we're trying something new. We have a guest, and I'd appreciate it if you took a moment to listen to what he prepared because frankly-" James sighed, "This kid rocks, so I hope you'll have a great time, and after the program is finished we serve Blueberry sunrise cocktails on the house! I'm gonna stop rambling and ask you to welcome Shawn Mendes" When he stepped of the stage, James looked as if just an ounce of more air would have made his collapse. He breathed out, finally relaxing and walked back to his spot, "Was it obvious?" "Not really" you smiled, squinting your eyes. "I feel the adrenaline-" he began saying, but then stopped when the first strums of the guitar filled the room. You turned to look at Shawn. He was something else - entirely absorbed into what he was doing, a completely different person than who he'd been until he walked on stage. Nothing about him came off as clumsy or indecisive, every note followed the other in perfect harmony, his fingers moving along the fret board with a confidence you never knew he had. The moment he raised his head and looked into the room, Shawn took a deep breath and allowed his upper eye lids to lower as he started singing, a melody so beautiful in it's own painful way, that right then and there, your felt all the hairs stand up on your body. His voice, soft and warm where required and raspy and dominant on the bridges, simply struck you, and to say it didn't have anything to do with what he played at the addition would be a crass understatement. Much to your surprise, but rightfully so, the people listened to him carefully, from the first note to the very last. You watched him with a genuine smile on your lips, cursing under your breath whenever someone waved at you in need of a refill. It didn't take long until he was done - technically an hour passed, but it surely didn't feel like anywhere close to that. When he finished performing, as he gathered his stuff and thanked the people that enthusiastically stood up showing their support, you saw James come to you. "We did a freaking good job picking this kid" he beamed, grabbing your shoulder, "I'm proud of you" "Of me?" you laughed, "Why of me? It's Shawn who-" "Well, you listened to his songs to see if they were ok and Y/n, they were so much more than that" "Sure" you shrugged amused, "Let me take the credit, I don't mind" After that, your boss joined Dan at the bar, the two of them managing the drinks while Shawn enjoyed a well deserved beer. You finished serving your assigned tables and walked over to them, letting your palm run across Shawn's back as you passed him, to which he responded with a pleased smile. You all hung out as much as you could during the remaining hours of the program, and then started tidying up the place as 1am was fast approaching. Shawn found himself naturally helping all of you out even if no one ever asked him to, and not to anyone's surprise, you all had quite a good time cleaning up the cafe in the late hours of the night. Shortly after it turned 1:30, you lazily dragged your feet through the back door, going to throw some thrash out before finally making your way home. "Hey, Y/n" Shawn called, grabbing your elbow out of nowhere. You shrugged surprised and turned to see him with his phone pressed to his ear, nodding slowly as he listened to the other person talk, "You're insane!" he laughed. You threw out the garbage and and then waited for him to finish talking on the phone, "Aaliyah, stop" Shawn continued, "Yes, I'm gonna get drunk, I promise- No, don't tell mum- I love you too but I still wouldn't give you any alcohol" You smiled amused, realising halfway through the conversation that the person he was talking to was nowhere near a threat to your growing crush on him. Now, without any doubts inside your mind, you relaxed as he ended the conversation and placed his phone inside his pocket while turning to you. "Go get drunk Shawn" you laughed, not allowing him to speak. He opened his mouth, but eventually just giggled, leaning his head to the side. "Do you wanna get drunk?" "I have classes at 12 tomorrow" you pouted, leaning back against the back of your car, "I mean today, because it's almost 2" "Why did you stay so long?" Shawn asked shocked, walking over to you. "It was fun" you whined, "But now I'm super tired and as much I'd love a drink right now, the responsible thing to do would be to go home" "No, of course!" Shawn jumped to agree, and he did it with a smile, "Go home and sleep and-" "But before, like-" you mumbled, cutting him off, "I kinda wanna show you something" Shawn nodded with curiosity, and reluctantly made his way inside to bring his guitar after you asked him to do so. As you waited, a rush of adrenaline overtook your body, so you pushed yourself off the car and ran inside after him. You stopped by a fridge and stuck your head inside. "Vodka? Beer? Tequila? Rum?" you yelled over your shoulder. "Y/n" Shawn sighed, coming up behind you, guitar case in hand, "You don't have to-" "What's the college experience without hangover morning classes?" you giggled, "What do you like to drink?" "I really wanna say vodka but you need to get home" You rolled your eyes and then looked at him tauntingly, "I'm starting to think you changed your mind about wanting to drink with me" "School's important" he said, and the sarcasm that dripped off his lips made you stare him down until he gave up, "You sure?" "Yeah, I'm sure" you beamed, grabbing a vodka bottle and a orange juice one. "Plus the class I have tomorrow is ridiculous, the teacher is insane" "What do you mean, insane?" Shawn asked as he followed you back outside, going over to sit down on the bench where your colleagues spend their cigarette breaks. "It's a long story" you sighed, gathering your legs under your body so you could sit facing him, "You'd have to see it to believe it" "I'm not doing anything tomorrow" "Oh" you laughed, "If you can wake up, I'll gladly take you to the crazy show that histology is" "Deal" Shawn nodded. After that, he excitedly handed you the guitar, and faking confidence, you pulled it out of its case and set it in your lap. Unfortunately, your cockiness faded, and when you had to start playing, you froze. Under Shawn's expecting stare and his overly excited expression, you couldn't move a muscle. "Sorry" you whined, covering your face with your palms, "I'm not always like this" "No, I get you" he encouraged. He shifted further towards you and spread his along the back of the bench, his hand coming up somewhere behind you. "Just strum it for a few seconds and imagine I'm not here" "How could I imagine you're not here if it's for you I'm playing?" "Imagine I'm someone else" "That wouldn't make sense" you rolled your eyes, "It is for you!" "Did you write me a love song?" Shawn teased, opening the bottle, taking a sip and then handing it to you, "For courage" "Don't think I can win you over with this thing" you said after you drank, "It's like 10 seconds long" "Yeah you can" he nodded, closing his eyes shortly as he spoke to emphasize his point, gesture that only managed to make you even more nervous. "Come on" "But don't laugh at me" you said pointing a finger at him. He promised he wouldn't, and after wiping your palms against your shirt, you took a deep breath and settled your hands on their designated spots on the guitar. Realising Shawn would be able to recognise he chords if you just kept your hand on the neck of the guitar, on impulse, you started playing the riff of There's nothing holding me back, and something your might for ever regret, was not looking up at him as you played. "This is all I know" you mumbled after finishing the part that you were familiar with. Shawn had his mouth comically open, as his eye brows were probably two times higher on his forehead than you were used to. "Shut up. Did you get how to play it from the recording?" You just nodded shyly. "I'm never sending you any of my stuff ever again" he belted, trying to seem offended, "I can't reproduce songs like that. Why didn't you tell me you were so good at this?" "I used to be good, I'm not that-" "No" he cut you off, shuffling closer to you, "No-uh. Don't tell me you also sing" "I do" you laughed, placing the instrument back in its case, "I only started playing guitar so I'd develop my musical ear and hear myself better" Shawn widened his eyes suggestively and as soon as the guitar was out of reach, safely laying on the ground behind the bench, you got to drinking. And you did it wholeheartedly, chugging mouthfuls of vodka like it was water, laughing more and more at every humorless joke Shawn told, getting closer and closer to him with each passing minute; the need in the pit of your stomach to jump and kiss him only growing bigger and bigger with every suggestive longing stare he blessed you with. "I wanna meet 14 year old Shawn" you cried, bringing your hand up to caress his cheek with the back of your fingers as you were now laying on your back with your head in his lap. Shawn leaned into your touch, waiting a moment before ruining it, "You don't wanna do that" "Why not? I think you were the absolute cutest" you countered as he had been talking about how he got into music for the past half an hour. "I looked and acted horrible, Y/n" he whined, finally grabbing your hand, lazily holding onto it as he guided it away from his face, "I wouldn't want you around that" "Did you just call yourself 'that'?" you giggled, "Don't! 14 year old me would've loved the 14 year old you" Shawn rolled his eyes and grabbed your cheek, leaning down to look at you as he spoke, "I was an asshole!" "Cute asshole?" you giggled. "Why aren't you taking me seriously?" he laughed, his warm hand still pressed to the side of your face, "I'm serious!" "So am I" you countered. "I was taking shirtless selfies sending them to girls.. for whatever reason I thought they'd just magically fall in love with me" Shawn whined, shaking his head as he looked up into the sky as if asking the world for answers. "And did it work?" you laughed. "Of course it didn't, what are you talking about?" "Has drinking laying down been invented?" you asked, changing the subject as if you didn't, with all your heart wish to keep it going. The words just slipped from your mouth and despite regretting it, all the alcohol you had ingested made you instantly forget about the previous topic of conversation. "Wanna try?" Shawn smirked, removing the top of the bottle as he looked down at you. Truthfully, you contemplated for a little while but eventually you decided against experimenting with this right now, you so stood up and drank normally, on your own. After placing the bottle to the side again, Shawn held your stare, causing deep sparkles to electrify every corner of your whole body. He smiled kindly, an expression that was hard for you to read. Something in it didn't give you the confidence you needed, and even through your blood boiled, even through your ears were buzzing and all you could hear was the sound of your heart going into overdrive, something failed you and you didn't have the courage you wish you did. When you felt yourself gather up everything you had in you and leaned in, another wave of shock ran along your body, and instead of going for his lips, you his your face in his neck, and the be honest, the only reason you managed to keep breathing after that, was the fact that Shawn wrapped his arms around, bringing you a tiny bit closer. "You tired?" he asked softly, and even though he probably didn't mean to, he spoke directly into your exposed skin, bringing back to life those goosebumps that you were so happy you got rid of. With your forehead still pressed against the side of his neck, you nodded no, even if your eyes threatened to fall closed at any second. "Lets take an uber" Shawn suggested, this time tucking a strand of hair behind your ear, hoping maybe he'd be able to see your eyes. That didn't happen. "Come on" he laughed. "If I go home-" you sighed pulling back a little, "It means I'll go to sleep. If I go to sleep it means I have to wake up and if I wake up, it means I have to go to school" "But you said the teacher's crazy" Shawn laughed, grabbing both your hands, "Crazy teachers are the best teachers" "Second best" you countered, leaning your head to the side, "I gotta give credit to those real teachers that put passion into their work" "That sounds way too politically correct for you, Y/n, wow" "Stop" you rolled your eyes, standing up from the bench, "I'm used to this lunatic, it's not fun anymore" "Yeah, but like-" Shawn said slyly, coming up beside you, "I'm not" "Wait, you were serious about that?" you questioned, looking up at him with a frown, "I thought you were joking, god" And as it turned out, he wasn't. One of the things that drew you to this job was how conveniently near your house it was. Despite swearing up and down that you walked that distance every night after work, Shawn didn't show any kind of sign of letting you to it again - not tonight, and he also tried, and failed, to convince you to stop walking on the streets alone at night. You appreciated the concern, but just smiled and giggled a proud "No" while he shook his head. You shared an Uber, and he dropped you off first. Since the day before you had driven to work, your car wasn't at home and unlike the the coffee shop, the school was much further. Due to the short drive, you and Shawn didn't have too much time to argue, and agreed that he'd be in front of your apartment at 11 that morning. Then you'd do to school and after that to work. Now that you thought about it during your nightly contemplative shower, you realized another whole day to spend with him was a bit too much, considering you barely knew each other - but there was an excuse, you were drunk and he was cute. Afterwards, you set your alarm and fell asleep soundly in a matter of minutes. The day's been full and this night's sleep, although cut short, was very much awaited and more then welcome. You slept soundly and as if waking up in the morning wasn't already the most hideous part of the day, what annoyed you beyond words was that the sound that pulled you out of your sleep wasn't coming from your phone, which was inches away from you - it was coming from the front door, that was all the way on the other end of the apartment. You stomped your feet childishly against the floor, slapped your hand on the knob and dragged the door open with a loud groan, "What- Oh!" "Why aren't you dressed?" Shawn laughed, squinting his eyes. "What are you doing here" you whined, walking away from the door and crawling all the way over to the couch. "We're supposed to leave in 15 minutes" he said calmly taking his jacket off. "Yeah sure" you scoffed, face sunk into the cushions, "Make yourself at home" "I brought you food" he defended himself, and with a delay of a few seconds you looked up, and you did it just in time to see a small bag flying towards you. "What the-" you mumbled, grabbing the bag. "Avocado and toast" he said over his shoulder as he started rummaging through all the cupboards and drawers in your small kitchen. Your heart rate went up. After pulling the bag open with too much force and managing to rip it in the process too, you stuck your hand in, ready to find all the goods. "There only toast in here" you whined, disappointment hitting you like a brick. You stood up and walked to the kitchen, more or less in a straight line, "Why did you do this to me?" "Relax" Shawn laughed, opening an ice cream box, "I didn't put the avocado on the bread because it would've gotten all soft and gross" Failing to suppress a smile, you tip toed to his side, and leaned in to look into the the box, "Oh here it is" you giggled, "Sorry" Shawn just laughed in response and commanded you to sit down, while he got everything ready. Although you felt somewhat bad for pointing all over your kitchen whenever he asked for any ingredient or utensils, there was no energy or will inside your body for you to actually do anything more. When everything was ready, and the plate of food waited on the table in front of you, you actually stood up, to be able to face Shawn properly, "I'm sorry I'm acting like a bitch. Thank you, this is the sweetest thing, I appreciate it" "I know you do" Shawn chuckled, cupping the back of your head so he could kiss your forehead, "You asked me to do all of this" "What!?" "I figured you forgot" he laughed, sitting down opposite from your spot at the table. "That's ok" "Shawn, what the fuck" you whined, plopping back down on your chair. You sighed deeply, "How could I have possibly asked you to do all of this and why did you listen to me?" "You also asked me to let you dye my hair, and to that I didn't agree" he shrugged amused, digging into he food he just got ready, "So you're not forcing me to do anything" "You know-" you sighed, "I'm starting to think this is all like upside down. Like you are the one who just had his first concert and you're the one who was supposed to party all night with their friends. But somehow, I got drunk and you had to listen to me talk shit for god knows how long last night, and now, instead of being hungover, you're here making me food" He was pleased. It was readable on his face. "Eat" he smiled. "How are you even so awake at this hour?" you mumbled, dropping the subject as you started eating, feeling completely defeated. "James called me" Shawn said which made you look up at him curious. "I'm not playing tonight" "What? Why?" you asked. "He said he rushed with the program and that he thinks it's better if we have at least one day between the shows" "Oh, ok" you breathed out relieved, "I thought something happened" "Last night?" he questioned before taking a bite of the toast, "What could've happened last night, I mean we locked the-" And that was when the food got lodged in your throat. "Shawn?" your voice trembled, "Did you lock the door?" His eyes widened as he looked to the side, "Didn't you-" "Holy fuck-" you yelled, jumping from your seat and sprinting back to your bedroom. In case you had ever during your life wondered what was the worst thing about not hearing your phone while you slept, you figured it out now. 7 unread text messages from Dan and 3 missed calls. "Please tell me you came in early and are somewhere inside" "YOU IDIOT" "You're so mtfken lucky I came in before James" "He would've strangled you" "LOCK THE FRIKEN DOOR WHEN YOU LEAVE WTF DID YOU EVEN DO LAST NIGHT" "Shawn.... that's what you did.didn't you? that's why you forgot. You slut, you're lucky I love you" "Btw you owe me jahaha" After reading all of them you walked back into the kitchen were Shawn was waiting, probably being too polite to just walk into your bedroom without you inviting him. "Everything ok?" "Yeah" you sighed, throwing your phone on the counter and covering your face with your hands, "Too much shit happened today already and I just woke up" "And we need to go see the crazy lady" Shawn laughed, knowing he just pushed your buttons further. "Fuck" you whined, "I managed to forget about that too" After checking the time, you felt your veins on the verge of exploding, "I need to get ready in 6 minutes" "Go" Shawn said, nodding his head in the direction you just came from, "I'll put everything in the fridge" Your heart got filled up with all kinds of emotions that were too new and pure for you to put your finger on, so in lack of ways to express what you actually felt, you thanked him shyly and rushed to the bathroom. Even if the sight of you in the mirror made you want to slap yourself for letting Shawn see you like this, you couldn't remove from your mind the image of him smiling in awe as you got way too excited over some trivial breakfast that probably took him 15 minutes to make. But he did drive all the way over here and put up with your morning attitude, and you just couldn't help but giggle against the tooth brush the was lodged between your teeth. After being done in the bathroom, you started walking towards your closet thinking about what you should wear, but instead, somewhere halfway along your hallway, you turned around and headed back to the kitchen. Shawn was standing in his previous spot, scrolling through his phone. "You're not dressed" he laughed, looking up at you as soon as he heard you enter the room, "Why aren't you dressed" You just giggled as you rubbed your eyes, and the fact that you didn't say anything prompted him to, "As cute as those hearts look on your buttcheeks, I don't think that's appropriate for college" "Shawn" you whined, still having trouble putting into action the thoughts that got to back into the kitchen in the first place. "Y/n" he chuckled, throwing his phone to the side and mirroring your attitude. When he pouted at you playfully with half of his upper body leaning on top of the table in your direction, you finally closed the distance between the two of you. He straightened his back and looked up. "Thanks" you smiled, grabbing the sides of his face. Shawn seemed as pleased as ever, and the smirk on his face when you placed your knee on the edge of his chair between his tights was way too much. He tilted his head back, leaning into your touch as you held his cheeks, and he did look at you calmly for just a few seconds, as they fluttered closed when you started leaning in. Despite letting his guard down entirely, he met you half way, his lips brushing over yours so softly at the beginning you felt waves of delight follow the traces of his touch. Eventually, you kissed him, a longing peck on the corner of his mouth, and the sole feeling of his lips curling into a smile ignited your cravings. Shawn grabbed the back of your legs pulling you completely into him, and his hands traveled upwards, rousingly stopping at the top of your thighs. Taking in a deep breath of air, you both leaned in opposite directions, going in with a fervent need you were so pleased to see he has be harboring too. Your hands got lost in his hair and his arms had wrapped around your body. Uncomfortable - it was, your knee hurt against the wooden surface of the chair, your back was worringly straight as Shawn kept your body locked against his, your neck muscles were strained but all you felt was pleasure, emanating from his touch, his lips, from his tongue against your and from his crazed breathing. In need of a break, you sucked his bottom lip between yours and pressed your forehead against his when his hold tightened significantly around you. That was a sign it was time to relax and let go, but it took you another moment to gather yourself. "Someone brushed their teeth?" Shawn teased even if he was in no position to do so, as his fiery cheeks and miles wide smile gave off nothing but awe. "Shut up" you scoffed trying to back away but he tightened his hold just in time. "I'm sorry" he chuckled shaking his head from side to side, "But you have no idea how hard it was for me to not do this last night" You pouted disappointed, "Why didn't you?" "You were drunk" he said simply, "That's not-" "What a gentleman!" you jokingly gushed. "I did bring you a lily, didn't I?" "And I left it by the stage..." "But my lily is there too" "Oh" you laughed out loud finally pulling away so you could go change, "They're gonna die together, how romantic!" "But" Shawn continued, pointing a finger, "They're the only lilies on a stage full of instruments, so that's gotta count for something" By now you had already reached the door, but stopped and spoke over your shoulder, turning just slightly, "Just like we're the only ones in that coffee shop that can sing!" Initially, his mouth fell open, but then he turned to smiling, "You can also sing!? I thought you just played-" You loved how happy and playful he made you feel, so you just sprinted to your room, way beyond satisfied with how you left him. After getting dressed, you left for class. You stopped for coffee because none of you actually thought of making some at home, parked in the middle of nowhere as every space in front of your school was taken due to the fact that it was already the middle of the day, and ended up running up the stairs of the main building and down the corridor, only to see all your classmates still waiting in front of the classroom. "It's occupied" a girl sighed as soon as she saw your confused expression, "And no one cares? The class was supposed to start 20 minutes ago" Panting, you agreed with her and decided to find each other in case any of you heard something new, and then you turned to Shawn, "And we thought we we're gonna be late" "We are late" he said distraught, looking over the crowd, trying to spot someone that might look like a teacher. "Think I have enough time to go to the bathroom?" "Go" you laughed, "See those stairs?" You pointed to the end of the hallway and then looked at him, "Go down one level, and it's the first door on the left" "What if the teacher comes?" Shawn asked worried, still scanning the crowd. Unconsciously, you grabbed his hand, "I know you didn't go to college, but relax" "Does my anxiety show?" Shawn laughed. After shaking his head and shrugging away the bad energy, he kissed your lips, and as natural as it felt it electrified you whole. Eventually he left, and you walked a bit behind him, getting out of the crowd of people, and sat on a bench so you wouldn't have problems finding each other afterwards. A few minutes later, the situation hadn't changed, at least not for the better. Now there were actually even more students waiting by the door and no teacher had been seen around. Coincidentally, just when you turned to look for Shawn, you saw him head down the hallway. How he managed to fit in so well made you warm inside but your blood ran cold when two blondes turned their heads as soon as they passed him. You saw him walk proudly, head held high, arms hanging loosely around his frame, his frame that you had just a bit too much fun analysing. You just now realised how much like a genuine college kid he looked - his boots were missing but the white sport shoes he wore didn't fail you, he wore the irreplaceable black skinny jeans, and while you knew him with loose dress shirts with one or two too many buttons left outdone, now he had a white simple shirt that hugged him in all the goddamned good places - with the finishing touch being represented by the tiniest backpack in the world hanging on his shoulders. To say you tried would be a lie, you just nonchalantly stared until eventually standing up and walking in his direction. That cold air of superiority that had just surrounded him turned sweeter as he was now all just a smile. "What did you do?" you giggled. "I found out what happened" he spoke into your ear. When you pulled away to look into his eyes, he signaled with his stare for you to check behind him, where three teachers were approaching the group. "What did you do?" you asked shocked, and he broke character. "Nothing" Shawn laughed as the door finally opened. You both sat down somewhere in the middle of the classroom and got ready. He opened his back pack and pulled out a piece of paper, and two pens. "Shawn" you gushed, grabbing his bicep and placing your chin of top of his shoulder, "This is a debate class, we don't take notes" "You're just jealous" he scoffed, nudging your nose with his. "You got me" you joked and the two of you got ready and waited for the presentations to begin. A few minutes in, and Shawn was already throwing you side glances every time someone used a word he never heard before in his entire life - and that was way more often than you anticipated. The class was two hours long but it always felt like no more than 30 minutes. At the beginning you were shocked but now, all the crazy things that happen simply amuse you. Shawn on the other hand, was amazed every time someone raised their voice, someone yelled, or someone left the class without saying a word. Eager to give him the full college experience, you wrote down the main aspects of String Theory and asked Shawn to raise his hand and answer. He did so, red cheeks and trembling voice but he did it, and boy, was he proud of himself when the lab assistant congratulated him. "What's your name?" the teacher asked. "Shit" Shawn mumbled, "Um... Roberto?" "Very well Roberto" she nodded, walking around the class, "We're gonna take a small break and after that, you're gonna help me present the rest of the lecture. You're excused" "What the fuck did you just do to me?" he cried, turning to you as most of the students stood up and left the classroom. "Relax, she's gonna forget" you waved him off, "And if she doesn't, I'll ask her to let me present with her, instead of you" "Do you know the next part?" "No" you laughed, "But I know more than you do" You could tell he almost tried to not let you take the fault and probably embarrass yourself in front of the class, but you both knew he had no idea what the whole lecture was about, so he slowly backed down. Just when you were starting to complain about not eating more before class, the teacher slowly approached the two of you. "Roberto, can I have a word with you?" Not going to lie, your face fell. Shawn stood up slowly and followed her, and they settled by her desk, her leaning playfully against it and him awkwardly standing in front of her with his hands being his back. You saw him nod to what she was saying but the buzz in the room made it impossible for you to actually hear anything. Trying to get a better view, you walked to the widow and hopped on the sill, from this angle seeing Shawn's freaked out expression ten times better. He looked terrified, mortified even, at one point he brought his hands together in front of his chest and leaned forward faintly, as it deeply apologizing for something. A few moments later he walked away from her and made his way to you. "What happened?" you asked excitedly, extending your hands for him to take. "Um..." he cringed as he tilted his head to side with a slight frown, "Nothing?" Your eyes widened, "Tell me!" "What's she doing?" Shawn asked, so he wouldn't have to turn around and see for himself. You peaked over his shoulder and figured she had left the classroom as she was nowhere to be seen, "She's gone. Tell me" "She kinda asked me out" "What" you belted, pulling on his hands to bring him closer, "You're not serious" "She knows I'm not from this class and she said that there shouldn't be anything wrong with-" "And what did you say?" you cut him off, way too excited. "That I'm in a relationship?" "With me?" you gushed. "I- I mean, I didn't tell her that" he chuckled teasingly, "Wouldn't want her to be jealous of you or anything" "Oh my god" you giggled, grabbing his cheeks to pull him in for a kiss. Aware you were still in the class room, you didn't wrap your legs around him trying to not cross a line or anything, but Shawn's hands grabbed your hips as he pressed himself against you. After placing more than a few lazy pecks along his bottom lip, you made your way to his jaw line, advancing further down his neck, sucking mercilessly on his smooth skin. Every time he moaned into your ear you felt yourself buzz more and more and soon enough you realised it was time to stop. "Let's go back" you said softly as you caught your breath. "Back home?" he grinned. "Nope" "Aren't you turned on at all?" Shawn laughed, following you back to your seats. You turned to him and contemplated. "I promised I'd give you the college experience" "I'm kinda hard and I-" Shawn started but you ignored him completely as you grabbed both of your bags. Taking his hand, you heard a faint "Thank god" coming from him as you dragged him to the door. As you turned the knob, you instantly jumped back as the door flew open by itself. Before you managed to realise what was happening, Mrs. Rutth stormed past you, "Back to your seats" When you felt Shawn's hold loosen around your fingers you pulled his hand, and nodded towards the door. Everything happened in a split second and before you knew it, the two of you were sprinting down the hallway with your teachers threats barely audible in the back as she settled for yelling after the two of you from the threshold. "If this is what college is actually like, I might enroll next year" Shawn panted as soon as you stopped after you passed a corner. "Don't make that mistake" you giggled. He cocked his head to the side smiling wide before he grabbed the sides of your face and pulled you in for a longing kiss on your forehead, "Did your mood just change in less than 2 minutes?" you giggled. "No" he laughed, "But you're cute no matter what mood I'm in" You wrapped your arms around him and started walking backwards, forcing him to stumble after you, "I'll fix it" "You don't have to fix anything" Shawn confessed as you pushed him through the doors of the first bathroom you laid eyes on. You looked up, "Full college experience, remember?" "You fucked guys in the bathroom before?" Shawn questioned, backing you against the wall. "When I want something, I gotta have it, ok?" you defended yourself. "And then you just drop 'em?" "I would never drop someone that made me avocado and toast" "Jesus" Shawn breathed as leaned forward, inching closer to your neck. He kept his longing stare fixed on your features for as long as he could, and when he averted his gaze going lower towards your jaw line, you saw his eyes flutter closed. In a matter of seconds, his lips brushed over your skin causing goosebumps to arise all over your body, before his teeth finally sank into your neck. "Ok.." you moaned, wrapping your arms around his back for support. Shawn grabbed the back of your thighs and pushed you up, bringing you at the same level with him. Now he wasn't towering over you anymore, but your face was still hidden in his shoulder as he did his magic. "I really don't wanna fuck you in this bathroom" Shawn panted, pressing himself closer to you as he looked up, "This isn't what I imagined" "No, this is exactly what I imagined" you shook your head, "But we were in the bathroom of the coffee shop" "Stop" he laughed weakly, planting his lips against your one more time. You kissed passionately, noses bumping and moans everywhere, doing nothing but accentuating the feeling that got you in the bathroom in the first place. You steadied your hold around him with one arm and pushed yourself off the wall with the other, and Shawn unconsciously followed your lead, spinning the two of you around. Lowering yourself, you greedily kissed down his neck as you hands roamed his body. Your heart beat was boomed in your ears, but irronicaly, the way his muscles clenched under your touch made you relax heavily. Seeing him just as nervous as you were ignited sparks all over your body. With your hands hooked into his jeans, you straightened your back and kissed his lips slowly, pulling him after you. Crashing against one of the stall doors, you pushed past them and turned the lock behind the two of you. Shawn leaned back against the door, "Turn around" You laughed against his lips. Without breaking contact, you undid his belt and the button of his jeans, sliding down the zipped as you kissed him one more time. In need of a little more build-up, you grabbed his sides and pushed yourself against him, applying pressure just where you knew he needed the most. "I kinda want something else" As you knelt and pulled his jeans down, you saw him shake his head, "You'll kill me" A bit too excited about what was to come, you palmed him through his underwear and pushed yourself up a bit, allowing your teeth to sink into his sides, his abdomen muscles forcing the air to dash through his lungs dangerously fast. "Relax" you cooed, standing up once again. This time, you stuck your hand inside his underwear as you kissed him, and despite whimpering, Shawn grabbed your waist, holding you in place. Your tongues worked against each other as you wrapped your fingers around his base, gripping the elastic band of his underwear with your free hand and pulled it down. This time you lowered yourself for good, settling on your knees in front of him. The looks Shawn was giving you made it all so much better; in the dark stall the light was mostly nonexistent, the shadows accentuation his cheekbones and jaw line as he had his head slightly dipped forward. You took your time exactly like you were used to, trailing your fingers up his thighs waiting for any kind of sign - a go ahead signal, before giving him what he surely craved the most. A slight twitch was enough and when a breathy moan followed, you licked your lips and stuck your tongue out to meet his tip. After working experienced flicks against his cock, you raised your stare trying to keep the eye contact as you took him in your mouth. He slid inside until his end reached the back of your throat which required more concentration, causing you to lower your gaze and close your eyes as you pressed your palms into his thighs. Pulling back slowly, you started to bob your head, going back and forth, sucking him with an eager determination which would soon be also visible on his legs, as with every passing second, your nails dug deeper and deeper into his skin. Shawn kept quiet, he was good, too good, you wanted him over the edge, you wanted him panting and moaning your name. He was taller, stronger than you, more composed and you wanted him a mess - that frown you've seen earlier, you wanted that again, to see him bite his lips and throw his head to back as his eyes fluttered closed no matter how hard he tried to contain himself. Before you got a chance to do anything, from behind him you heard a door open and slam closed, followed by a pair of determined heels clicking against the marble floor. You fisted a good amount of his shirt into your right hand and pushed down the lid so you could pull back and sit on your knees on the toilet. 'So not what you hand in mind'. You could see the regret in his eyes, but he was smiling, a crooked - What the fuck are you making me do - kind of grin and somehow, you figured you should make the best of the situation. You placed your pointed finger in front of your lips trying to hear whatever that person was doing and you almost burst into laughter when you heard them enter the stall next to you. As uncomfortable as it was, you bent down and took him again into your mouth with absolutely zero warning, and the moment your fingers brushed against his balls, Shawn's hand flew up to grab something. Unfortunate choice, as his fingers reached past the top, poking onto the other side of the wall that separated the stalls. "Hello?" you heard a masculine voice call and it took everything in you, but thanks to your teasing nature, you went on, sucking from between hallowed cheeks, leaving Shawn to deal with the consequences. "Sor-" he whimpered until his voice broke. He cleared his throat and threw his head back in desperation as you wouldn't give him a break, "Sorry" The more you took him down your throat and the more you pushed his buttons the harder it got to keep yourself silent. The morning against his cock were repressible, but you'd worked him up - precum and spit got everywhere and that was not in your power to control. Pulling away hurriedly, you took him in your palm and pumped along his cock hurriedly as you shuffled on your knees and pressed your lips to his base, ready to go lower. The movement of your hand slowed down as you shifted your concentration to the actions of your tongue, your fingers eventually stopping at his tip, your thumb rubbing over and along his slit. You heard a loud slap, and looking up curious, you saw Shawn's hand cover half his face. He looked down at you from between his fingers and his eyes begged. For something. He was lost. Forget the cheeks, his face was red and his sweat coated curls were now sticking to his forehead as he struggled to keep his eyes open and his breathing regulated. "'S good" you mouthed before taking his balls into your mouth again, unconsciously moaning, and moaning loudly. "Listen dude!" that same person from before yelled before slamming his fist against the thin wall, "I can't shit if someone jacking off right next to me!" You knew Shawn wasn't listening. His eyes showed the fact that was on another plane of existence right now, who knows what was going on through his head. At this point he wasn't even trying to keep quiet anymore, panting uncontrollably, whining out loud the things you put him through. Shawn grabbed the sides of your head, pulling your back with shaky hands, "I'm not gonna last much longer" "Good" you whispered, shaking your head, "Been waiting since last night" "Holy shit" he sighed, and you wrapped your lips around his tip again, letting his cock slide in your mouth, not caring about any kind of technique or precision anymore, he was done. You sucked hard and fast, until he reached his finish line, thrashed it, passed it, went over the edge and moaned it all out. He shook in your hold as his cum filled your mouth and you swallowed proudly until you had to pull away and end by pumping him in your hand. Jerky breaths followed as a few more drops slipped him his cock and onto your tongue and your palm did a few more laps along his length. "Don't ever make me have to keep quiet again" he threatened shaking, gathering his hair into his hand. "Nah" you shrugged, "I should've done better" Shawn shook his head as he let his weight slide from one wall to the other, allowing you to leave the stall. As you opened the door with absolutely no care in the world, your eyes first landed on the mirror which reflected the figure of the man that had supposedly been in the other stall. "Holy fuck-" you choked, backing away instantly. Your back collided against Shawn who was getting ready to clean himself up and follow you outside. "What?" he asked out loud. "That's the principal" you whispered enraged, slapping his side. "And what do you want me to do?" Shawn laughed, one hand on his dick, one crumbling toilet paper. "I thought he left" you mouthed barely audible as you stomped your foot against the floor. Shawn smiled, turning away and brushing his nose against your cheek trying to get you to turn your head towards him so he reach your lips, but you pulled away frowning. "What?" he looked at you confused. "I can't kiss you, I just sucked your dick, let me rinse my-" With a scoff, Shawn rolled his eyes and grabbed your chin. His lips slammed into yours with passion, his tongue making its way into your mouth instantly. You struggled to follow his lead for as long as you could but since you he took your by surprise, you were soon left without air and had to pull back. "No matter where you put that mouth, I'll still wanna kiss you" As you giggled, you heard the man walk past your door, "You kids have absolutely no manners" he yelled and then left the room. "Oh yeah, this is the teachers bathroom, I forgot to mention" "I figured" Shawn mumbled, buttoning his panties and following you outside. "What's next on the college experience thing?" He asked eagerly. "You're gonna take me home" you laughed. "What? What about you?" "Next time" you shrugged. "If you think what you're doing is noble, you're wrong, you're depriving me of pussy" "What the-" you jumped hearing him saw that out loud on the hallway. "Oh don't try to tell me you think that was obscene..." "It was very obscene" you laughed, shaking your head exaggerating your point. "We'll see" Shawn teased. The conversation continued in the same manner until he dropped you off at the coffee shop so you could take your own car that you left there the night before. As much as you hated that he wasn't coming to work that night, as excited you were about the fact that he had another performance scheduled for the day after, and until then, you just had to find a way to hide just how needy he left you.

#shawn mendes #Shawn Mendes Imagine #shawn mendes imagines #shawn mendes smut #shawn mendes writing #shawn mendes fluff #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes fanfiction #shawn mendes x reader

[lovemesomesurveys]

1. It’s Thursday at noon, where are you usually? In bed, sleeping. Just like every other day.

2. Who are the last people to send you a text message? My dad and mom.

3. What brand of shampoo is in your shower right now? I use a salon shampoo for red dyed hair.

4. What are you listening to right now? An ASMR video.

5. Do you watch MTV anymore? Yeah, I like to watch Catfish (I’ll watch it whenever it’s on) and Teen Mom OG/Teen Mom 2.

6. You need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first? I’d check JCP. Their jeans always fit me the best and they’re good quality and inexpensive.

7. How do you feel about your hair? I just talked about this in a previous survey. I hate it right now.

8. What time do you wake up for school? I’m done with school, have been for 5 years.

9. What movie is in your DVD player? We use the PS4 to watch DVDs, but anyway there isn’t one at the moment. 

10. Last two numbers in your phone number? Nah.

11. Who’s in your house? My parents, brother, doggo, and I.

12. What side of the bed do you sleep on? I sleep in the middle.

13. Do you like roller coasters? The only ones I like are Thunder Mountain Railroad and the Cars rollercoaster, both at Disneyland. I can handle those and they’re fun.

14. What magazine(s) do you look at the most? I haven’t read a magazine in several years.

15. What kind of car do you drive? I don’t.

16. What do you think about gay marriage? It’s been legal in California since 2008.

17. What do your pants look like? They’re black leggings.

18. Do you own an iPod? I still have my iPod Touch stored away, but I haven’t used it since like 2012.

19. What kind of cologne/perfume do you wear? I was wearing Into the Dark from Bath & Body Works, but I just got a new beachy one. I forget what it’s called at the moment.

20. What are your plans for Saturday? Same things as always.

21. What is the dumbest thing you have ever done with your cellphone? I dropped one in a cup of 7-Up. It just somehow fell out of my hand and landed right in my cup.

22. Does mind over matter work for you? No. My emotions control me.

23. Are you paranoid? I can be.

24. What was the last thing you were invited to? Uhhhh. It’s been a long time since I’ve been invited to anything. People stopped asking me.

25. What item should never be shared? Your toothbrush. 

26. Have you ever sat all the way through Gone With the Wind? I’ve never seen it.

27. When was the last time you were up all night? Every night.

28. Does drinking alcohol make you act more like your true self? Uhh. It made me more comfortable and chatty. I think my true self is who I am sober, which is shy and awkward.

29. Where is your favorite place?  The beach.

30. Do you ever think about marriage? Only when surveys ask and I say I don’t want it. <<<< lol same.

31. Do you sleep with a fan on? Yes. I very rarely don’t have at least one fan on. During the summer I always have 3 on.

32. What is the best thing about winter? I love the weather, the holidays, the scents, the colors, everything.

33. Have you ever been truly in love? I honestly don’t know anymore.

34. How many states have you been to where all you saw was the airport? One.

35. Are you currently planning a trip? No. Who knows when I’ll be able to do that again.

36. How many plants are in your home? Zero.

37. Have you ever googled a name and found somebody? Yeah?

38. What is your favorite possession? Finn. Seems weird to think of him as an owned object, but legally he is. <<< Same with my doggo.

39. What makes you feel like you are young again? Going to Disneyland.

40. Do you ever type “kik” instead of “lol”? It’s happened.

41. Do you know how to play chess? Nope.

42. What are you worrying about right now? Anytime I don’t feel well I get scared because I don’t know if it’s my usual sickiness/crappiness or the virus. Before all this I wouldn’t think much of it if I didn’t feel well cause that’s not unusual for me. But now I always think what if it’s covid.

43. Are you picky? With food.

44. You have one wish, what would it be? Good health, physically and mentally. 45. Where were you at 11:45 PM today?  I’ll be sleeping.

46. Ever talked to someone that was high? Yeah, many times.

47. How tall is the person you like? Shorter or taller? Well, Alexander Skarsgard is 6′4.

48. Sent last message to? I last texted my dad yesterday.

49. Last person you left comment for? I don’t remember.

50. Do you have a Facebook? Yes.

51. What color is your underwear? Red.

52. Last person you were in the car with besides your family? I haven’t been in the car with anyone other than my family in years.

53. Do you own a polo? Nope.

54. Are you currently frustrated with a boy? No.

55. Are you excited for winter?  I can’t wait. I wish I could just skip over summer.

56. If it was free and it would work perfectly, would you get plastic surgery? Like I say at least twice a week, only for reconstructive purposes. <<< Same.

57. Have you ever slapped someone in the face? Only very lightly in a playful way.

58. Have you ever been called prince or princess? Yeah.

59. Do you go to a gym? Nope.

60. Do you like your body? Nopeee.

61. What do you hear right now? An ASMR video.

62. Who was the last person to tell you “I love you”? My mom.

63. If you had to change your eye color, would you? What would it be? Blue.

64. Last thing you wrote your name on? I had to sign something recently.

65. What do you want for Christmas? I don’t know, that’s too far away. Not sure what Christmas will be like this year.

66. Does it snow where you live? Not in my city, unfortunately.

67. Where did you get the pants you’re wearing right now? My mom got them for me.

68. When is the next time you will see your grandma? My grandma passed away 15 years ago this November. :( I’m not sure when I’ll see my nana, it’s been 2 years since I last saw her. She and my papa live out of state and they used to travel here every summer and stayed for a few months, but my papa got sick and just with them getting older they couldn’t make the trip anymore. And unfortunately, due to health reasons, I wasn’t able to make the trip my dad, aunt, uncle, and cousin took last September to see them. Now with a pandemic going on, the health issues they’re dealing with, and the health stuff I’ve been dealing with, I don’t know when we’ll get to visit again and that scares me...

69. Do you wear makeup every day? I haven’t worn makeup in almost 3 years.

70. What is it tomorrow? Just another day.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

[authorlmfletcher]

For Adrien AUG-reste: Day 31

For @adrienaugust

If you prefer, you can follow along on Ao3 or on FFnet.

Tumblr: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30

                     _______________________________________

Fair warning. This chapter made me sob so much while writing it that I had to lock myself in the bathroom for 15 minutes to recover. And then I still sobbed myself secretly to sleep that night. I've avoided editing this chapter until right this moment because I was afraid to read it again. You might need a box of Kleenex before you start. 

                     _____________________________________

One last entry. Marinette’s hands shook as she turned to the last page of words, the writing less refined than it had been in the rest of the book, an indication of the lack of strength Adrien had suffered in his last few days before needing to be hospitalized for good. 

She found her way to his office, mostly empty now other than the desk and his oversized chair. Gently she ran her fingers over the worn leather arms as she settled into the seat. She put his journal on the desk and flipped it open to the entry. 

There was no title today. Seeing that it was addressed directly to her made her uncomfortable, worried. 

My Lady, 

I’m not sure how much time I have left, in truth. I’ve been feeling so tired lately. I can barely keep my eyes open and I know. I know it’s almost time. But first, I need to tell you a story. 

Once upon a time, there was a boy. A boy who had a life of a prince. He lived in a castle, had his every whim met in a blink of an eye, and everyone in the kingdom seemed to adore him. Except, maybe, his Father. His father was afraid to let the boy out of his sight. You see, the boy’s mother had disappeared without a trace. So, the Father kept him locked in his room when at home, and guarded fiercy whenever he was out. The boy had no real friends, only loneliness. 

And then, one day, a magic ring appeared. That ring gave the boy a way to escape from the castle in secret. A way to be freed from his cage, from his life alone. 

On his first day out in the world, that boy met a girl. A beautiful girl dressed all in red, with her dark hair in the cutest pigtails and with eyes that looked like the sky. A girl who doubted herself. Not knowing how to handle all the feelings that he had right then, the boy acted foolish and brashly overconfident. But when she became fire and steel, her self-doubt melting away, he knew, from that moment, he loved that girl. Together, they had a responsibility to save the kingdom from a darkness that threatened to overtake it. They were a team.

The boy began to stand up for himself at home, just a little, begging for some semblance of normalcy - and his Father reluctantly agreed to send him to school. The safety measures remained, but he was able to be with others for the first time in his whole life. He stumbled a lot, not knowing how to be a good friend, how to behave in a group, or generally what to do around others.

There, he met another girl. Soft and pink with pigtails like his partner, this girl started with fire and anger. Thinking he’d done something bad and deciding he was a fool, she ignored him -  at least until he managed to get her to listen to him and he explained that this was all new to him. 

Then, she became one of his closest friends when he didn’t use the ring. A friendship he valued more than anything. 

The girl in red was his best friend when he escaped the walls of his room.  They would battle evil, laughing along the way. Somehow they became a team who worked together to defeat the encroaching darkness that was taking over the kingdom. His heart felt like it would explode with how much he cared for her.

A cocky cat who didn’t know how to talk to girls (or really how to talk to anyone). She’d roll her eyes at his antics and remind him to focus on their mission. He tried, he really did, but all he wanted was for her to love him as much as he loved her. 

Together they won. They defeated their enemy - who turned out to be the boy’s Father. 

Now alone, the boy begged the girl to tell him her name. When she did, he was stunned.  She was his close friend from school - the one who was fire and softness and pink. His lady in red. 

It took too long, perhaps, for the masks to drop and for the boy and the girl to discover each other - friends and partners both, all that time. But, most amazingly of all….. she loved him back. 

Then they kissed, got married, and lived happily ever after. 

The End. 

You see Mari - you are that girl. My friend. My partner. My Lady. 

All our lives, I’ve spent trying to protect you, when in truth, it was you who saved me. 

Without you, I was nothing. I was alone. Unloved. 

You gave me everything. 

I don’t want to go, Marinette. I don’t. I wish I could stay here with you and hold you forever.  Tell you how much I love you every single morning. Never let you go. But I can’t. It’s time for me to go.

Promise me, my Lady, that you will be strong without me. That you will be Ladybug again - fierce, on fire, able to stand strong. Be steel. Because, if you can’t do that, I don’t know how to say goodbye.

I wish I could write more, but it’s too hard to hold a pen for long. Instead, I’m going to spend whatever time I have left with you: watching your face, holding your hand, hugging you, loving you in every single way that I can.

My life has been Miraculous. All because of you, Marinette.

From now to my last breath, and a million years beyond, I love you. 

Eternally, 

Your Kitty.

He was gone. Truly gone.

Pressing the journal to her chest, Marinette collapsed her head onto his desk and let the heartbroken sobs tear her apart. She stayed that way for a long time, unable to move or feel much more than the horrible pain of losing your other half. 

How does one go on without their best friend, their partner, their soulmate? She had no idea, even if he had begged her to do so. 

Dimly, she heard a voice calling for her in the hallway, and quickly moving footsteps in her direction, but she still couldn’t move, the tears long dried up. 

A set of arms encircled her. Then another. Then another. And more. 

“Maman,” the first one whispered, squeezing her tightly. “We love you.” More voices echoed the same.

Her children. Her grandchildren.

That’s how she could go on without him. The only way she could keep her heart beating still without him.

I love you too, Kitty. Wait for me.

                              _______________________________

AUTHOR: Thank you so much for joining me in another month-long adventure. This one was quite the emotional rollercoaster, I admit it. I felt like I was intruding on something extremely personal and intimate between our two favourite heroes with this one but it was too beautiful to turn away.

Thanks for all your comments, likes, feedback, questions, and silent reading (I see you. I appreciate you!). Honestly, hearing that things I write mean something to others is a wonderful feeling. <3

Thank you to @adrienaugust for hosting a great set of prompts and monthly fun. I’ve enjoyed seeing the artwork and peeking at other people’s work, working on my own project, and also teaming up with my writing buddies for the weekly prompts. :) 

Stay tuned - more stories are coming your way! I've got a few in progress, some more monthly teamed-up stories coming before the end of the year, and who knows, I might do NaNoWriMo in November! :D

#adrienaugust #adrienaugreste #adrien agreste #miraculous ladybug #lyramaearcher #ml fanfic #get your kleenex #adrien and marinette #ladybug and chat noir

[firewolf826]

Check In

So... I got my new iPad less than I month ago, but it feels like ages. It has kind of been an emotional rollercoaster. I was so excited to have it for drawing, and well, after four days of using it, my drawing hand became very painful.

I’m no stranger to hand pain. I’m left-handed, but my right hand has been destroyed for years. It started in senior year of college when I went hard on school projects, vectoring with the (right-handed) mouse nonstop. Pain and clicking in thumb joint and wrist. I went years with that pain, and all my hobbies (sewing, knitting, gardening) and basic chores (typing, chopping food, cleaning, etc) hurt my hand. I wear braces, etc. I even eventually finally went to a hand doc and he told me I “had a loose joint” and there was nothing I could do. I wanted to punch him. Instead I went home crying.

I felt I could put up with the hand pain as long as it didn’t affect my art. I’ve never had a problem with intense pain from drawing ever in my life. I could draw for hours. Then, 4 days of using the iPad and I felt destroyed. This physical and mental road block sent me to buy literally anything I could on Amazon to help my hand. Now I’m tending to BOTH hands, and well, it’s kind of pathetic. This pain in my left hand demoralized me a bit. I want to work so hard on my comic and I feel like I fell flat on my face before really getting started.

Anyway, I’ve adjusted my workflow to improve the ergonomics (still need a standing desk situation, b/c drawing in my bed is... killing my back), been trying to be good about doing hand stretches, and am seeing a different (sister-approved) hand doc later this month. I’m trying to be proactive because I feel my right hand is a lost cause but I can recover my dominant hand and keep it from being completely destroyed. It’s just sad when something like this keeps you from something you love. I can’t even stop myself from drawing, though. For better or worse.

I have about 4 comic pages done and others in the works, a third or more of the first chapter thumbnailed. (And well, I have about 40% of the story full scripted and the entire thing planned out). I have to say, the pages are taking me way longer than anticipated. Some have taken 8 hours. Simpler ones are 6. That doesn’t include the thumbnailing stage which are fairly concrete sketches I’m bringing in, (I find I draw better on paper, plus I want to minimize my time on the iPad) which probably take an hour+ each on their own. AKA pages are taking a very long time. Whether or not they live up to my expectations or not is a different story, but. 

The other night I went into a panic attack in the middle of the night. Hello, insomnia. I was already well aware that on even a fast pace, this comic will take 10 years to draw. Realizing that with a full-time job, I can’t reasonably commit to 3 pages/week...my brain always needs to figure out logistics. I’m very cart-before-the-horse, and well, it’s tiresome. 44 chapters total, let’s say average 35 pages each.That’s over 1500 pages. Yes, I’m insane, but that’s the plan. Right now, I think I can push myself to 10 pages/month. That will be 3 chapters (with breaks between for thumbnailing) a year, puts me in a good position for how I structured the story (every 3 chapters is an arc/mini-arc.) BUT. That’s legit 14 years of constantly nonstop work. FUck me. I want to go faster. There’s so much story to tell, I want to go faster.

Eventually, if things take off even remotely at all (aka with fan funding), I’d like to hire a color flatter (know one?) That way I could produce pages faster without completely destroying my health and sanity. Am I insane? I think I probably am. 

Overall I feel very anxious. I don’t know if what I’m producing even lives up to my standard but I don’t want to be caught up in perfection (I’m a perfectionist but I very quickly learn to give things up when you need a finished product sooner than later. I can live with “good enough”). I’m hoping art-wise I will improve. That’s how it works, right? I don’t know what I’m doing with backgrounds and colors LOL.

I’m very anxious. I don’t know if anyone will care. What if they don’t? That will probably kill me. What if they do? I’m afraid. I’m afraid of someone trying to call me problematic for my storytelling. IDK why, but that’s a big fear of mine. Some of the topics and themes of the story aren’t very pretty, so. I’m very anxious.

Also, hahah, despite feeling like I have a pathway in life now, I’m still depressed. Imagine that. Still very empty inside. But my characters make me feel a little less lonely. Honestly, this story was built out of depression, so I guess we’ve come full circle. My deepest hope is that someone will grow attached to the characters that way I have. In retrospect, the MC shares a lot of my own experiences, hahah. He’s way more impulsive than me though. I hope people can relate to him, and the other characters, because it’s literally an extension of me, hahah. 

I feel alone in this, but I’m working hard. I’m a Capricorn. We live for goals. I have a goal now. Something that makes my life feel meaningful. I hope along the line, someone will care, but all and all, I’m doing this for myself. It’s something I wanted to do since I was 10 years old. I’ve always been fruitlessly making failed comics in the background. This time is for real. Somehow this was the timeline I was supposed to be on to write this story. That’s as positive as I can be about my shitty life experiences, lol. Finally, now that I’m 30, I know the story I want to tell.

#long post #very long post #i'm sorry #webcomics #storytelling #i'm tired it's late #I have work tomorrow #pipe dream is to work full-time on my comic but that's very unlikely #I appreciate any kind of support that can be offered #I'm sorry I know I'm very selfish #I don't have time or energy for other people but still want support from others #i'm a bad person lol #goodnight

[mayquita]

Call Me (19/30) Emma’s Decision

A new chapter is here! Again, I apologize for the delay in the update, but in my defense, I've been busy with the cslb thing, and it's a super long chapter, the longest thing I've written so far. And also one of my favorites, so I hope you like it too. As always, thank you very much to my beta @ladyciaramiggles for her amazing job, to my savior angel, @saraswans and to @suwya who made the banner as a birthday gift

And all my gratitude to all of you for your patience and support :)

Summary: Emma loses her phone after a chase, but she finds a phone in a cafe just when she needs it most. Killian forgets his phone in a cafe when he is about to take a flight to Ireland. Killian makes a call to his own number hoping someone answers on the other end of the line. What will happen when Emma answers the call?

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12Chapter 13 Chapter14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18

FF.net Ao3

Saturday, June 17, 2017

 I'm bored, Jones, distract me.

Don't tell me you've gone on that stake-out in the end.

I found a clue I had to follow.

It's Saturday in the middle of the day, not ideal conditions for being stealthy? Let's just say your vehicle is a bit striking.

I have my resources. But while I wait, I'm bored.

Music? Junk food?

Both covered.

I’d love to help you, but both David and Liam are glaring at me.

Oh, sorry, I forgot that you had a soccer and beers afternoon. Have fun! Say hello to them from me.

Be careful, love.

Killian locked the phone's screen and left the device on the coffee table. Although he felt the inquisitive glances of both David and his brother through the screen, he ignored them and instead took a swig of his beer.

"Can we continue with the game or do you think there will be more interruptions?" Although David's voice sounded a bit like a reproach, the funny look he was exchanging with Liam said otherwise. He suppressed the desire to roll his eyes and simply nodded.

This was another of his traditions back in Boston. Whenever he had Saturday afternoon off, he and David had a video call with Liam to watch some football game. It didn't matter if there was no competition on that date, they had a collection of memorable matches kept on external hard drives, both in Killian's apartment and in Liam's house. Such was the case today. They had decided to watch the Champions League Final from last year. However, not even five minutes had passed when David had to stop the player when Killian's phone began to buzz insistently. Once David and Liam had synchronized the recorders, and now that the conversation with Emma was over, the excited voice of the sports commentator resounded in his living room again.

His gaze was focused on the television screen. His mind, though, had other plans of his own and it decided to ramble on, bringing back memories of the previous day, when he first visited Emma's apartment.

The development of the events of the previous night had been unexpected, especially considering the rollercoaster of emotions that he experienced in a short space of time. From his confession about the world map, which left his wound exposed once again, to the indescribable feeling that meant holding Emma asleep in his arms.

That feeling lingered a day later, the slight tingling each time he remembered the feel of her arms around his neck, or the vanilla scent of her shampoo that had pierced his nostrils and settled into his brain, like a continuous reminder of her golden hair. The fact that today he would have to settle only with texts and with their daily call did nothing to mitigate his need for her. Bloody hell.

Killian shook his head slightly, in an attempt to stop the escalation of thoughts and feelings towards Emma. Instead, he did his best to keep his attention on the television screen. He got it. For the next hour and a half, he managed to focus only on the game and on the camaraderie shared with his friend and his brother. It was a fun thing, that despite the distance, the Jones brothers could still experience these moments together.

"How are things going since your return? How about Emma?" Liam wasted no time in asking as soon as the referee gave the final whistle. Killian suppressed the urge to raise his eyes to the ceiling, since his brother had asked him the same questions every day since he and Emma decided to make the deal.

"Fine, everything's fine, just like yesterday." He said simply. Although that was not true at all. Every day his feelings for Emma grew, but his brother did not need to know, not at least for now.

"What do you think David? You are my eyes there." Liam insisted, not caring that Killian was also present in the room. It was a little irritating, to put it mildly, the behavior that Liam sometimes had towards him. He understood, really, but that instinct of protection towards him sometimes became too overwhelming. He was not a child to be cared for.

"I like Emma, she's been a breath of fresh air, really." David was being honest, both he and Mary Margaret had already told him that several times. His friend continued speaking after giving him a sideways glance, as if asking permission. "In addition, Mary Margaret has taken her under her wings, and she's going to drag her into one of her endless shopping sessions next Monday."

I hope that doesn't leave her scarred for life and decides to end the deal ahead of time . The words half sarcasm half sincerity burned the tip of his tongue. What is wrong with me today? His family and friends were just trying to help and he was behaving in an ungrateful manner not usual in him. Fortunately, his sister-in-law popped up on the screen, and prevented him from saying anything he could regret.

Elsa was holding a sleeping baby Brian in her arms. "Hi guys, I guess by your chat that the game is over, right?"

"We are perceptive today, aren't we?" Liam teased his wife getting an eye roll in return.

"Oh shut up! And now that the guys' evening is over, it's your turn to take care of our children." As she spoke, she passed Brian to her husband. "By the way, I'll never understand how you do not get bored of seeing the same games over and over, where's the emotion?"

"I have to remind you that you've watched Titanic like a million times, sis?"

"And still she cries every time Jack dies." Liam added, allying himself with his brother, while David chuckled silently at his side.

"Oh please, that's not even comparable." Elsa replied with a dismissive wave of her hand. "I already know that Mary Margaret thinks like me but I wonder what Emma would think about it.”

"Are we going to turn this into a sexist conversation or what, sis?" Although Killian gave a slightly reproachful tone to his voice, Elsa had managed to catch his interest regarding Emma's supposed choice.

"Now I want to know." Elsa ignored him and instead grabbed her phone and started typing.

"Whoa, what are you doing?" Killian watched in alarm as Elsa continued typing what he assumed was a message for Emma. David chuckled while Liam moved his eyes from his wife to the screen with an amused expression.

"Oh my god." After seeing Emma's supposed response, Elsa burst out laughing, increasing Killian’s interest in what Emma might say.

"What?" Killian asked unable to hide his curiosity.

Elsa raised her index finger and waved it, in a sign of refusal. "If you want to know you're going to have to ask her."

He resisted for a moment, but after a few seconds, he let out a huff of annoyance and grabbed his phone.

 What have you chosen?

I don’t know what you're talking about.

Swan…

Okay… Only because I’m bored. Watching Jack’s death for the millionth time or seeing how a handful of hot and sweaty guys run behind a ball? My choice is quite clear.

I'm pretty sure you don’t even know the rules.

Who cares about the rules?

A quiet chuckle escaped his mouth as he directed a knowing glance at Elsa.

"I like her, you better keep her by your side, Killian." Although her voice sounded like a warning, her lips drew a soft smile as she looked sideways at her husband.

"I'm glad you found her, mate." David made a poor attempt to imitate his accent while giving him an affectionate squeeze on his shoulder. "It's obvious that she has a good effect on you."

Killian gave a smile of gratitude to his friend. The truth was that, in spite of all his demons of the past, he should feel lucky not only to have found Emma but to have a family and friends who cared so much for him.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

When Emma arrived at Killian's office that Thursday, she was surprised to find him alone, so engrossed in whatever was on his computer screen that he did not even notice her arrival at the beginning.

There was no sign of either Belle or Will, so Emma took the opportunity to watch Killian silently for a few seconds.

He was staring at the screen, a small wrinkle of concentration between his eyebrows, while his fingers slid gracefully over the keyboard. The short-sleeved T-shirt he was wearing exposed his biceps and she enjoyed herself for a moment with the slight movements of his muscles as he typed.

"Swan! I didn't hear you arrive."

Emma flinched at the sound of Killian's voice as she pressed her lips together to close the mouth that had fallen open as she watched him. "Lunchtime." She stammered, raising the hand that held the food bags, while she felt how her cheeks blushed, betraying her even more.

"Very good." His face split into a broad grin, as he gestured for her to come closer. "Will and Belle won't be long."

"Where are they?" Emma asked curiously, surprised not to see them there now that lunchtime had arrived.

"Will decided to invite Belle on one of the ship tours as we had a last-minute vacancy."

How romantic , she thought sarcastically. She liked the couple, though. Once his initial reluctance had been overcome, Will had quickly accepted her as one more in the group and she was also quite comfortable with Belle. They had a somewhat atypical relationship but it was clear that they understood each other perfectly, and most importantly, there were feelings between them, if the looks they shared were an indication.

"In fact, it is at least by Will's standards." Killian's grin widened as the flush in her cheeks became more pronounced, as she realized that she had expressed her thoughts aloud.

"Anyway," she shrugged and then, in an attempt to change the subject, she pointed with her chin to the computer screen, looking over Killian's shoulder. "What were you doing so focused?"

"Oh, I was checking the schedule for the next few days and making some adjustments, nothing important." Killian answered with a dismissive wave of his hand.

"Is that the Jolly Cruises website?"

"Aye, do you want to take a look?" Killian offered through a small smile.

"Sure." She leaned even closer to watch attentively, trying to ignore the overwhelming feeling of having him so close and focusing instead on the screen. It was not a bad design, she had to admit, although a few ideas to improve it began to form in her head.

"What do you think?"

"It's... I think it's fine." Emma shrugged. "It's just that... I might go for a more attractive, impressive and innovative design. The current one is maybe a bit classic."

"A bit classic." Killian echoed her words, as he crossed his arms and leaned back against the seat, his eyes narrowed, studying her. "I didn't know that you were an expert in website design."

Emma shrugged again. "It hadn't come up in conversation yet, and besides, I'm not an expert, I only took a couple of classes several years ago, it's not a big deal."

"Could you improve my website?"

"Maybe..." Emma looked away, somewhat overwhelmed by the way he was looking at her, as if she had discovered a vaccination that would save thousands of lives or something. Her gaze went unconsciously to the map hanging on the wall and what she saw there did nothing to ease that feeling.

A new yellow thumbtack was stuck on the map pointing to Boston City. A thumbtack that represented her. The two together, actually. Without thinking, Emma approached the map, barely aware that Killian was following in her footsteps. She reached for the thumbtack almost touching it. "You chose a new color." She muttered, swallowing the lump that had formed in her throat.

"Aye, I chose the yellow one because it's the color of your car, but if you prefer another color, just say the word and we will change it." Killian's soft and promising voice caused a spark to ignite inside her. With those simple words and that little gesture, he was telling her, without further words, that he was determined to fill that map with more yellow thumbtacks.

"I like yellow." Emma looked away from the map, searching his gaze. The corners of Killian's lips lifted slightly, while he scratched behind his ear. A tug of determination settled in her stomach, as she made a silent promise that she was going to do everything possible to add her own destinations. And she was going to get it, at least if Killian's hopeful look and determination was anything to go by.

The arrival at that moment of Will and Belle prevented her from doing something really stupid like kissing him. Still, the little voice in her head —she wasn't sure if it was her angel or her inner demon —  kept wondering if that really would be such a bad idea. Emma dismissed those thoughts for the time being and instead, she offered Killian one last soft smile before greeting the newcomers.

Will went straight for the bag of food, and everyone took their seats. Emma and Belle took the couch while Killian and Will pulled up chairs. Emma was amazed at how normal everything seemed, they may only have done this once before but it felt as if they had been having lunch together for years. It warmed her heart how readily these people had accepted her into their lives.

But, as was usual with her, not everything was happiness. Her mind —or her inner demon— had other ideas and decided to betray her in that moment, raking up some of her worries, due to the possibility that all that bubble would burst at some point, making her return to her lonely life before meeting Killian. The thought alone caused a chill to run through her body.

"Everything okay there, Swan?" Of course Killian, as perceptive as ever, immediately noticed her uneasiness, a slight wrinkle of concern adorning his forehead, his inquisitive gaze searching for hers.

"Yeah, this can of coke is too cold." She raised the hand holding the drink to justify her words, while shaking her head subtly, returning those thoughts to the hidden corner of her mind to which they belonged. Then she focused on her grilled cheese to avoid Killian's penetrating gaze. "By the way, how was the boat trip, Belle?" She asked before taking a bite of her sandwich.

"Oh, it was really fun, the tourists were very participative this time." A small smile danced on Belle’s lips. "I love accompanying them every time I have the opportunity. It's quite an experience." She assured, still excited, as she shared glances with her boyfriend.

"You should join us someday, love. I'm convinced that The Jolly Roger will make a good impression on you." Will winked at her and then he looked sideways at Killian, who blushed slightly, much to Emma's delight. Will was about to take a bite of his sandwich when something seemed to come to mind. "Since everyone has their task aboard you can take care of the food supplies."

"Well, since I'm the ship's captain, that would be my decision, don't you think, Scarlet?" Killian's voice came out in a slightly authoritative tone, though the amused glint in his eyes said something different.

"Aye, aye, captain." Will replied in a mocking tone, getting everyone to laugh at once. It was a refreshing, liberating laugh, with the ability to drag any vestige of worry that had been lurking moments before. It was also contagious, since, when it seemed that they had calmed down enough, just a sidelong glance from one of them, a snort or a humming were enough to make them laugh again, to the point that Emma's stomach started to hurt, although she did not care in the least.

When they finally calmed down and the laughter was just an echo in the room, they continued eating. The peace was short-lived, though. "Since we've started talking about sailing, I've been making some small adjustments to the schedule." Killian began to speak, the vestige of the previous laughter still present in his voice. "And we all have Saturday afternoon off to go sailing. What do you say, Swan? Are you up for a sailing day and stargazing evening?" While he spoke, his eyebrows danced suggestively, making it impossible to reject the proposal. "And no, you don't have to bring the food, we take care of it. You would be the guest of honour on my ship."

"Uhm, if you put it that way, I'd love to go sailing with all of you." Emma didn't even let him finish, eager to let him know that of course, she was interested in the plan.

"That's great, Emma, I'll love that there will be one more woman on deck so we can control or ignore these two guys."

"Oi, you cannot complain, love, we'll do all the hard work."

"Oh, shut up Will, you're the sailor, we're the guests, right Killian?"

"Even though I would love to have two beautiful ladies enjoying themselves on the deck of my ship, and, believe me, I would love it very much." His gaze sought hers as he grinned. "I made the promise to someone that I would teach her how to sail."

Emma pressed her lips together in an attempt to suppress the grin that threatened to form. "Yeah, and I remember that someone promised to make me his first mate."

"What?" Will's eyes widened as his lips drew a pout. "You're choosing The Swan Girl over me? Again?” He put his hand to his heart in such an overdramatic gesture that Emma couldn't help but laugh again, passing it on to both Belle and Killian, and causing the laughter to echo again in the office, while Will looked at them with a sullen expression. Finally, Belle took pity on him and without a word, sat on his lap and began to tickle him, getting him to also join their uncontrolled laughter.

While she wiped away the tears caused by the hysterical laughter, she made a mental note to enjoy as much as possible of that day at sea. She had the impression that it would be an unforgettable experience.

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Killian was nervous. The whole idea of going sailing had kept him excited the last two days, after Emma's immediate confirmation. Still, it was the first time she visited his ship and he wanted to make a good impression. For that reason, on Saturday morning, he put Will in charge of the two tours they had organized and he dedicated himself to tidying up both the deck and the cabins. He also hoped that hard work kept him busy enough not to let his worries torment him.

He had not succeeded in keeping his thoughts at bay, though, but at least this time his mind decided to give him a break and chose for him some more pleasant memories. So, while he was scrubbing the wooden floor of the deck thoroughly, the memories of the previous night, on their Fringe Friday , kept him company.

This time Emma had not fallen asleep in his arms, to his disappointment, though he would never admit it out loud. Nor did they have another deep conversation, but it was evident from her body language that she felt more than comfortable with his presence there.

There were several beers, a lot of jokes —he could spend hours listening to her refreshing laugh— some scary moments — He was grateful to the show for causing Emma to cling to his knee during the scenes of tension—, and also some innuendo on both sides — Emma’s seductive gaze and the way she bit her bottom lip innocently had the ability to drive him crazy.

He smiled when he remembered Emma's reluctance to him leaving at the end of their Fringe marathon. He hadn't set a time to leave, but when Emma suppressed a yawn he took it as a sign. He gave her a hug, and she clung onto him a little longer than necessary, suggesting that she didn't want to let him go. He hoped these nights would continue beyond their trial period and with every moment shared, his confidence grew that Emma would make the right decision. He was a patient man, he could wait.

Once satisfied with the appearance of the Jolly Roger he returned to his apartment to take a quick shower and prepare the supplies they would need. Finally, he made his return to the ship choosing to walk while admiring the views that the city offered, allowing himself to be caressed by the sea breeze. His nerves were building, so he hoped that an invigorating walk with the view of the horizon would calm him enough.

When Killian came aboard, Will and Belle were already there, behaving like the two lovebirds they were, despite their small differences.

He watched them for a moment, entertained with the way his insolent friend behaved in front of his girlfriend, following all her steps with puppy eyes. Killian shook his head pressing his lips together in an attempt to suppress the grin that threatened to form. Then he cleared his throat, announcing his presence.

"Hey! I see you've worked hard on the deck, Captain. It's spotless." Belle greeted him with a warm smile.

"Of course he has, love, he has to impress someone, doesn’t he?" Will gave Belle a high-five, the two sharing the same amused grin, making Killian roll his eyes. He was about to reply, when a voice from the pier attracted his attention.

"Ahoy! Is there anyone there?"

Killian cursed inwardly when he realized that Will and Belle had distracted him, causing him to miss Emma's arrival. He hurried to the railing, his gaze searching for her. The sight he found took his breath away.

Emma was stunning, looking over her sunglasses, a shy smile adorning her lips. A backpack slung over her right shoulder while her hair was pulled back in a braid that fell over her left one. Killian swallowed hard as he saw how she was dressed, a tiny white tank top that showed off a bikini, and shorts that revealed her long, slender legs. He was in serious trouble, unsure of being able to survive this day.

"Hey there, sailor. Permission to come aboard?" Emma asked as she pulled her sunglasses over her head, exposing her hypnotizing green eyes.

"Uh, I'm not sure, love. Since you seem not to recognize my rank, how will I know that you won't commit some kind of mutiny on board?" Killian leaned his elbow on the railing, resting his chin on his hand, as he raised an eyebrow in question.

Emma started up the access ramp, ignoring him. The mischievous gleam in her eyes did not bode well —or maybe it was the omen of something too good —"Would you make me walk the plank..." She paused for a moment, arching one of her perfect eyebrows. "...captain?" Her tongue darted out to wet her lips the moment she uttered the last word.

A chill ran down his spine, while an almost irrepressible urge to replace her tongue with his own and taste her lips threatened to make him lose any composure. But two could play this game, so, after taking a deep breath and suppressing his momentum, he took a few steps towards her offering his hand to help her bridge the distance that separated them. When she was only a few inches away, his head tilted slightly, his lips brushing her ear as he whispered, "Or maybe I could lock you in the brig. I can think of a couple of appropriate punishments for your insubordination..."

Although he didn't wait for an answer, moving away from her instantly while gesturing to Will and Belle to come closer, his lips drew a wide smirk of satisfaction after seeing how she was also affected by this game between them, at least according to the spark of lust that flashed through her eyes, making her green color almost disappear.

In front of his friends, he plastered an innocent smile, in an attempt to pull himself together even though his blood was still running hot at the mere presence of Emma by his side. During the brief talk they had with Will and Belle, he was able to keep his composure, managing with great difficulty to look away from her. Even so, he could not help but glance at her from time to time, their eyes crossing over on more than one occasion while he noticed, to his satisfaction, that she still seemed affected, her cheeks colored with a faint pink tinge.

Their little tour while he showed her the ship was not much better in terms of controlling his emotions. First, because his hand slid down the small of her back to guide her over the deck, that little touch sending electric waves all over his body. Second, because he suddenly began to feel nervous and anxious to know Emma's opinion. He was proud of his work, of turning four ramshackle timber planks into this little ship, his humble personal project, but Emma's recognition became of vital importance. Although she had already admitted that she had no knowledge about ships, he at least hoped that she could assess all the effort he had put into the restoration.

For the first few minutes, Emma's lips remained sealed, while she was just watching and listening to Killian's explanations. Slowly, however, her expression began to change, her eyes widening slightly as he explained how he lifted the mast as her hand slid smoothly over some of the polished wood surfaces.

"So, you did all this work?" She waved her hand in the air, her head tilted slightly as she gave him an intense look. His heart swelled a little when he detected a flash of something crossing her gaze, perhaps admiration? He pressed his lips together in an attempt to suppress the smile of pride that was beginning to bloom.

"Well, I helped a little." Will was quicker than him to respond, a smirk on his face as he swayed slightly back and forth, with his hands in his back pockets. His smile vanished immediately the moment he caught Killian's glare, though. "I mean, yes, Killian did most of the work, but I did collaborate, didn't I, Belle?" Will sought the support of his girlfriend with an imploring voice.

Belle rolled her eyes, ignoring Will as she directed a confident smile to Emma. "You should have seen the state of the ship when Killian acquired it, four wooden planks barely keeping afloat. But he spent days working under the sun or the rain. There were even days when we had to come and keep an eye on him to prevent him from dying of exhaustion."

Belle gave him a look full of affection that he accepted with a faint smile, suddenly unable to speak due to the lump forming in his throat. Old memories of his first months in Boston came to his mind, while his heart was pounding, recalling how he put so much effort on the boat as a way to keep his mind and body occupied, with the aim of falling unconscious in bed and avoiding in that way that nightmares torment him.

David and Mary Margaret were just neighbors and Belle was only his secretary in those first months in which he had to acclimatize to a new country. But luckily, they cared about him enough to support him in his project and make sure he did not faint from exhaustion. Little by little, although his old demons were still around, he focused on his work and not as a means of burying those painful memories but as an opportunity to create something beautiful from them. And that's how The Jolly Roger resurfaced from its ashes.

"We even brought him food sometimes." Will pointed as a reminder. His friend's words brought him back to reality, redirecting his thoughts, something Killian felt instantly grateful for.

"No way, mate." Killian raised his index finger, waving it in denial. "Those meals don't make up for everything I've bought for you two. I think you've both been rewarded enough already, right?" He pointed to the two intently, while they exchanged sidelong glances, Belle with flushed cheeks and a huge grin adorning Will's face.

"Wait a moment." Emma broke the spell between the two lovebirds. "So, you two..." Emma then turned her head towards Killian. "They are together because of you?"

Killian shrugged. "I hired her, didn't I?"

"And we spent a lot of time together in the office while the business was developing, and then here, watching Killian, we got to know each other little by little." Will added without taking his eyes off his girlfriend.

"And the spark ignited." Belle confirmed through a smile that matched Will's. Killian rolled his eyes, these two could sometimes be so cheesy... but the corners of his lips rose slightly, glad that they had found each other. They made a good couple, atypical, but good anyway. Will had found the perfect person for him, someone able to tame his rebellious personality, and Belle in exchange had gotten an admirer and a totally loyal companion.

"You guys are so cute." As she spoke, Emma pulled out her phone and pointed at them, capturing the moment. Then she turned back to him, her lips curled into a mischievous smile. "Do I have to add matchmaker then to your list of qualities?"

"Oh, you've made a list of my qualities? I'm flattered, love." His eyebrows waved as he winked at her. This was new. And good, he thought delighted.

"Oh shut up." Emma snorted. "There is a quality that will never be on that list, buddy. Modesty."

"You want modesty, I can show you modesty, Swan." Killian challenged, taking a step toward her while his tongue darted out to lick his lips.

"Oh, please." She rolled her eyes, a gesture he found increasingly adorable. "And what would you do with all that ego of yours?" Her gaze moved from his eyes to his mouth, as she also took a step forward, causing his entire body to vibrate in anticipation.

"And that's how the spark ignited again aboard the Jolly Roger." Will's words broke the spell, fortunately for him, because he had been about to do something as stupid as kissing her senseless right there.

"Will!" Belle chided her boyfriend. "I was about to take a picture of them."

Killian had to suppress a groan of annoyance because he would have loved to see that moment immortalized. Emma did not seem to think the same, though. She backed off, averting her gaze, and focusing again on the ship.

"Can I take some pictures?" She asked.

He did not give up. He was not sure if with his attitude he would win her heart, but having her here, in a place so beloved to him, sharing memories, while she teased him constantly made his ability to think clearly evaporate at times. For that reason, he could not help teasing her back. He arched an eyebrow as his lips curled into his trademark smirk as he addressed her. "You like what you see, eh, Swan?"

Her mouth opened and closed instantly, as if she was considering her words. After a few seconds, Emma's lips twisted in an expression of approval. "For the record, I have no intention of feeding your ego even more, and I’ll probably regret these words." She paused again, her intense gaze causing him to hold his breath in anticipation. "I may not have knowledge of boats, but I can appreciate the effort, the dedication, and the work well done, and this boat is proof of that, good job, Jones."

His heart threatened to come out of his chest while he repressed the urge to hug her. Instead, his gaze drifted from her hypnotizing green eyes to her lips that were drawing a smile too tempting for her own good. "I appreciate your words, really." He commented with a slight tilt of his head as he held her gaze, unable to look away from her.

It was Emma who broke the spell, finally diverting her gaze to the helm. After clearing her throat, she asked. "Well, are we going to sail or not?"

"Of course, milady." Killian turned to Will. "Let's take out the old lady, Will, and let the lasses enjoy the ride."

The afternoon was being a torture, a sweet and delicious one, but torture nonetheless.

At least he had a distraction while maneuvering the ship to leave the docks, all his senses focused on handling the boat to ensure the safety of passengers and other ships. However, when they entered the sea and their only companions were the sea breeze, the warm sun and the sound of the waves as they broke against the keel, his sweet agony made an appearance. The person to blame had her own name, Emma.

While they were cruising the sea, she stood on the side of the deck next to Belle, leaning on the railing in such a way that he could only see her profile. Sailing was doing wonders for her, some unruly strands had come loose from her braid, dancing to the rhythm of the breeze, while her tank top waved slightly and pressed against her body in the right places, giving him a perfect profile of her chest. She was stunning with her cheeks slightly flushed and a placid smile on her face.

But the worst part —or the best, he could no longer think clearly— came when Belle decided it was a good idea that, while the boys were driving the ship, the girls would take advantage of the pleasant temperature to sunbathe. He had to suppress a chill, his sweaty hands clinging to the helm, while his blood ran hot to the south, at the moment when Emma undressed, keeping only that tiny yellow bikini that left little to the imagination. The fact that she turned her head, seeking his gaze on purpose while biting her lower lip did not help to relieve his inner turmoil, quite the contrary.

His mind decided to betray him too, imagining everything he could do with her body, how he would worship her, and how much he longed to caress her creamy skin or tangle his fingers in her golden curls, while his lips traced a path of kisses all over her body… Bloody hell! If he continued down that road he would have to leave the helm to take care of himself. She was a bloody siren that had trapped him in her spell, robbing him of the ability to function properly.

He looked away to the horizon as he took two deep breaths and began mentally reciting the schedule for next week, in an attempt to distract his mind enough to forget Emma's presence for a while.

That worked, as the sea always did, acting as a balm while he closed his eyes and guided himself by instinct, feeling the slight vibration of the helm before his grip and the swaying of the boat beneath his feet. The sea breeze caressed his face and the hypnotizing sound of the sails dancing to the rhythm of the wind reached his ears, finally getting him calm enough. This time the thoughts that went through his head were less lustful, reveling in the idea of sharing a sunset alone with Emma aboard his ship, with the sea and the sky as the only witnesses of their blooming relationship.

"Hey, Killian!" Belle's voice from the other side of the deck brought him back to reality. He opened his eyes again, following the direction of the sound checking that Belle was waving her hand to get his attention. "It's too hot to sunbathe, why don't you anchor and let us fish for a while?"

The corners of his lips rose slightly at the suggestion. Belle had also become a person who loved everything the sea and sailing could offer her. However, she always opted for quieter activities while leaving hard work to the boys. Some days she could spend whole afternoons sitting in her favorite corner of the deck while devouring one of her books. Other days, she opted for fishing or even on occasions she combined her two hobbies, while one hand held the fishing rod, the other held one of her books.

"Good idea mate, while they fish we can have a few beers, I'm thirsty." Will added as he began with the maneuvers to stop the ship.

"What do you say, Swan?" Killian offered, putting all his effort into keeping his gaze from going all over her body. At least she'd had the decency to put on her shorts again, but her upper body was still bare except for the tiny bikini.

She looked at him over her sunglasses as she shrugged. "I haven't fished in my entire life."

"Oh, but that won't be a problem at all. Killian will be happy to help you, right?" Belle's lips drew the most innocent smile but her mischievous look betrayed her.

Before answering, Emma put the glasses back on her head, her penetrating gaze holding his. "Okay, let's do it."

Killian swallowed, while he nodded slightly, his lips pressed together in a tight smile, as his heart hammered against his chest. He did not stop feeling impressed and also felt a slight panic for the power that woman had over him. Definitely, he was not sure of surviving this day, but he had already surrendered to this sweet torture to which he was being subjected, willing to maintain the agony of having Emma by his side.

He shook his head trying to keep his troubled thoughts at bay, leaving the helm and helping Will get the refreshments while the lasses went in search of the fishing tackle.

"How is this supposed to work?" Emma asked while holding the fishing rod in her hand. Her ignorance seemed genuine, but a mischievous gleam in her eyes said otherwise. Belle's not entirely subtle strategy had worked on both sides, since Emma seemed willing to let herself be guided and Killian, of course, was not going to miss the opportunity to get close to her, even if it was on the pretext of teaching her how to handle a fishing rod.

"It's pretty easy actually." As he spoke, Killian opened the jar where the bait was kept, grabbed one of the pieces and showed it to Emma. He had to stifle a laugh as he watched Emma wrinkle her nose in revulsion. "You just have to put the bait on the hook, grab the rod and throw the line, like that." When the hook made contact with the water, Killian handed the rod to Emma.

"Well, I think I'll leave you the part of the bait ... that's not my thing." She grabbed the rod decisively, but immediately her forehead creased. "And now, I just have to wait and that's it?"

"That's the idea, love, wait for some fish to take the bait."

"Okay, and if that happens, I have to roll the reel, right?" Killian nodded, but Emma did not seem convinced. She bit her lower lip before asking him. "Can you, you know, show it to me?"

His lips drew the ghost of a smile and he stood behind her, hoping that his heartbeat didn't betray him. He felt intoxicated every time he was so close to Emma, especially on an occasion like this, in which he could almost touch her skin and smell the coconut perfume of her sunscreen lotion. His hand settled over hers as he guided her movements. "It's simple, Swan, when you notice a pull in the line, you'll have to start rolling it up like this."

"Okay, it seems easy, although I doubt I'll catch anything anyway." Emma shrugged and turned her head slightly to give him a sidelong glance, "Thanks for the lesson." His hand lingered over hers, reluctant to leave so soon. "And now, maybe it's time for me to practice alone, don't you think?"

"Sure." He pulled away from her, feeling the loss of contact immediately. He pointed to Will, sitting in a part furthest from the deck. "We'll be there, having a beer in case you need something."

"I think we manage, Killian, it's not the first time I’ve fished. Now go entertain my boyfriend before he comes over and scares the fish away." Belle dismissed him with a wave of her hand.

Emma gave him a small smile before focusing her gaze on the sea. Although she seemed determined and committed to fishing, he suspected that she would get bored soon, especially if Belle also concentrated on her task. That did not seem to be the case, he observed with relief, as before turning he could see how Belle engaged her in a conversation, causing Emma to burst out laughing.

As he walked towards Will, he thought how well the two of them seemed to have got along. He could not be more grateful to see how Emma had fit perfectly into his small group.

It was a hot day so he rushed to grab a bottle of beer before dropping down next to Will, reveling in the icy contact of the glass against his skin. He would also need a cold shower to quell his agitation, but for now, he would have to settle for just the drink. He had not even had time to take the first sip when Will interrupted him, snapping at him through a huge smirk.

“I told you, didn’t I? The Swan Girl was going to fall fast for you.”

A sigh escaped his mouth as he pinched the bridge of his nose with his free hand. He was not going to have that conversation now. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Will.”

“Oh, come on! It can’t be that difficult to grab a fishing rod. She was acting like that on purpose.” Will insisted. It was as if the couple had agreed to act as matchmakers between them. He really appreciated it, but he preferred to take his possible relationship with Emma on his own terms, without intermediaries.

Even so, he couldn’t deny it, the connection between the two of them grew stronger each time. The attraction he felt towards her was hard to hide, but what did surprise him was that her feelings were so evident that his friend detected it. That was a sign that the deal was on the right path, wasn’t it?

“Besides,” Will continued, “you’d better keep The Swan Girl around, especially if it’s going to become common practice for her to bring us food at least once a week. That girl suits you.”

Killian let out a snort as he shook his head. Will was incorrigible about food, and if someone got him free food, he would promise eternal loyalty. Just as he was about to reply, a shout from Emma caused them to turn in her direction.

"Killian! I got something! Something is straining the line!" Emma cried excitedly, bouncing in her place while trying to handle the rod. Killian jumped out of the seat and hurried to her side. Without thinking twice, he stood behind her again, holding the rod tightly and helping her roll up the reel. He could feel how her whole body vibrated with excitement, but he tried to ignore all the sensations that were taking hold of him, focusing on the task at hand. They were not going to let that fish escape in any way.

After a few seconds, a fairly large fish emerged from the water kicking. "Hold on, I'll get it.” Killian handed Emma the rod and went to the other end of the line to unhook the fish. Then he showed it to Emma, his face splitting into a giant grin, unable to hide the pride he felt. "Well done, love."

"Oh my god, I can't believe it!" Emma then lunged at him and wrapped him in an unexpected hug, causing both of them to almost fall to the ground. Surprised by her action, he took a few seconds to react but then he wrapped one arm around her waist to keep them both steady, while keeping his other hand outstretched, holding the fish. He was overwhelmed with sensations as his heart hammered inside his chest. He could still feel Emma buzzing with excitement against him as she wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him in tighter. The increased closeness started a fire in his veins, and made his stomach flutter. He dearly wished he could wrap his other arm around her, to return the embrace but the little fish, the cause of her excitement, remained quivering in his hand.

He tried to keep the hug a little longer but Emma broke apart after a few seconds. He searched her gaze to make sure she was not upset for her unexpected reaction. To his relief, although she seemed a little troubled, her lips curled into a shy smile before turning her attention to the fish.

"Now I feel bad. The poor thing is suffering. I don't want to fish anymore." Her lips twisted into an adorable pout while she waved her hand. "Go and return it to the sea, Jones."

This woman was full of surprises. A moment before she vibrated with excitement after having got the fish to take the bait. The next moment, she looked at him with pleading eyes asking him to keep the poor fish alive. And of course, he was going to do it, not that he was very fond of fishing anyway. "As you wish."

He approached the railing, followed closely by Emma and threw it into the sea, hoping that the fish would stay alive, at least until the next fisherman arrived or the law of nature took its course. "It's a shame, because that was going to be our dinner." He said, trying to keep a straight face.

"Are you serious?" Emma turned to him, giving him a suspicious look.

Killian chuckled quietly, "I was just kidding, Swan. In fact, there's a picnic ready for later. How about instead of fishing, I give you your first sailing lesson?” He offered, extending his hand towards her and ignoring the butterflies in his stomach caused by thinking of a new opportunity to keep her by his side.

After a few seconds of hesitation, she took his hand. "Aye aye captain." He intertwined his fingers with hers, as he pulled her gently guiding her to the helm.

"Just so there's no doubt, Emma, I'm still the first mate on this ship, huh?" Will warned from his side of the deck, but he was quickly silenced by Belle.

"Shut up, Will, leave them alone for a while and keep me company here, I'm bored." She had also stopped fishing and had lain in one of the hammocks furthest from the deck.

"Keep walking and ignore him." Killian whispered in her ear. "Belle will keep him busy for a while." Emma giggled by his side, in response, while they kept walking.

Her first lesson was aimed at making her familiar with the use of the helm. This also meant that his sweet torture not only continued but became more intense. For the next few minutes, he stood behind Emma, his hands on hers as he guided her movements gently. The warmth of her body against his, and her intoxicating scent, a mix of the vanilla of her shampoo and the coconut of her sunscreen made his head spin. But he simply closed his eyes and let himself be carried away, cradled by the swing of the ship. While whispering instructions in her ear, he felt delighted by the effect of his soft breathing against the skin of her neck, leaving goosebumps on its path.

The next two hours flew by. They sailed for a while, taking advantage of the good weather. When the sun was about to set, Killian took command again while suggesting Emma watch the sunset, indicating the best spot on the deck to enjoy the show.

She soon joined Will and Belle, who were also leaning against the railing facing the horizon. One of the greatest pleasures he found when sailing was to contemplate the effects of nature, to see how the sun, both in its ascent and its descent, used the sky as a painting filling it with multiple colors. But no spectacle could be compared to the vision of seeing Emma, her skin bathed in the last rays of the sun, her rebellious locks more golden than ever dancing to the rhythm of the sea breeze and a serene expression on her face.

There was something Killian was even more pleased with, something more important than contemplating her beauty, and it was the satisfaction of seeing that Emma was enjoying this new experience of sailing. She participated enthusiastically in any suggested activity and did not hide her curiosity about everything related to the ship, asking multiple questions that he answered patiently.

Just when the sun ended its descent disappearing on the horizon, they decided to take a light dinner, sandwiches, soft drinks and beers were shared among all, sprinkled with casual conversations in order to get to know each other better. It was evident that Emma was at ease, that she had gotten along well with his two friends, handling well Will's impertinence and sharing looks of complicity with Belle.

That was the moment when Killian and Will decided to entertain the ladies, telling them of the adventures they had while sailing. Their experiences at sea were far from as exciting as the pirate adventures he loved so much, but they did make Emma's eyes sparkle with excitement as she listened intently. That was more than enough for him.

When the night finally fell over them, it was time to indulge in another of his favorite activities on the high seas, stargazing. It's not that he intended to impress her with his knowledge of the subject — the fact that Emma looked at him enraptured while he told stories about the different constellations did not cause his chest to swell with pride, not at all — He simply wanted Emma to live her first experience on board a ship to its fullest. Yes, that was it.

The night seemed to have calmed his inner turmoil, replacing it with a warmer feeling. The fact that the temperatures had dropped and Emma no longer tempted him with her perfect body had something to do, it was obvious, but the connection between them, was not only physical attraction, his feelings towards her were much deeper and the more time he spent with her, the more attracted he felt. He hoped that she was feeling the same.

They reached port a little later, all smiles and camaraderie after their little outing. Will and Belle said goodbye shortly after disembarking, both walking by the docks holding hands. Killian and Emma watched as they walked away while a quiet silence fell over them. It was at that moment when he realized this was the first time the two of them were alone in all day. Also at that moment, all his determination seemed to evaporate, being replaced by a hesitation that prevented him from deciding what his next move would be.

"So..." He instantly hated the faint faltering in his voice. "Do you want me to escort you to your car?" He suggested tentatively through a half smile.

Emma looked at him with narrowed eyes. "I'm a big girl, Jones, I can take care of myself. Or is this a poor excuse because you don't want to let me go yet?"

"Perhaps..." He scratched behind his ear as he grinned at her.

She rolled her eyes but her lips drew a small smile as she extended her hand in clear invitation to follow her. They walked in silence, in no hurry to reach their destination. However, the yellow bug was soon in sight and with it the moment to say goodbye.

Before entering the car, Emma looked around. "Where's your car?" She asked with a slight frown.

"I walked here." Killian shrugged, he had walked to the docks on countless occasions.

Emma tilted her head, giving him a questioning look. "If I remember correctly thanks to David's explanations, your apartment should be half an hour away from here."

"Aye, but I like to walk. Exercise clears my mind."

She seemed to hesitate for a moment, but then she nodded subtly, as if convincing herself. She searched his gaze with the determination marked on her face. "Get in the car."

"It's okay, Swan, really, I don't mind walking."

"I thought you didn't want to let me go yet? Get in the car, Jones." She insisted stubbornly. So who was he to refuse?

"If the lady insists." He made a slight bow with his head as he schooled his features so as not to betray his excitement. Only a subtle smile remained on his lips by the time he met her gaze again.

The only words they shared on the way to his apartment were the directions that Killian offered Emma to reach their destination. Emma's eyes were focused on the road while Killian directed his gaze to the window, watching the city pass at full speed. It was not an uncomfortable silence, but rather a sense of tranquility. Killian allowed himself those few minutes to recall the unforgettable moments experienced throughout the day.

The journey didn't last long, a few minutes later Emma parked in front of his apartment complex. The time to say goodbye had arrived, but he was still reluctant to let her go. Maybe that's why, or maybe because his bravado seemed to have returned in all its glory, he played the last card that would allow him to move away from the moment they had to separate.

"Do you want to come up for a coffee or something?" He offered in a nonchalant tone, no trace of seduction in his voice. Against all odds, he did not find it appropriate to use one of his innuendos at this time. Although a tug of anticipation had settled in his stomach, he didn't want her to feel pressured or do something that she did not feel comfortable with yet.

Emma raised an eyebrow before answering. "Is this another of your excuses for not letting me go yet?"

"Perhaps..."

This time, Killian could not read Emma's expression, even though he could detect a flash of hesitation in her eyes. After a faint sigh, she accepted. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah, but only because I'm thirsty and because I'm curious to see your house." Emma was quick to warn, though her flushed cheeks might indicate that she was also reluctant to let him go.

"Sorry for the mess." That was the first thing he said after opening the door and standing aside to let Emma in. "I did not expect, you know ... any visitors." He continued as he took off his hoodie and hung it on the rack next to the front door.

"You think this is messy?" She questioned in disbelief as her hand waved pointing to the living room. "I wonder what you must think every time you go to my apartment."

Killian chuckled softly, grateful that the mention of the untidiness had served to break the ice and thus prevent her from feeling uncomfortable. "If it was messy I did not notice it." He assured winking at her. 

"Yeah, sure." Emma shook her head slightly as her gaze began to wander over the room.

Although his apartment was a little larger than Emma's, it was still a tiny one, an open space that included a living room and kitchen, a small hallway leading to his bedroom and bathroom and a spiral staircase that connected to the upper floor, where his favorite rooms were, his little studio and the rooftop, the area he was most proud of. Although he spent most of his time on the ground floor, the upper floor offered him refuge at times when he needed to disconnect.

"Make yourself comfortable while I get our drinks. Hot chocolate?" He offered, glancing over his shoulder as he made his way to the kitchen.

"Uh huh..." She answered absently, as she looked around.

The corners of his lips rose slightly as he noted with satisfaction that Emma seemed comfortable in his apartment. When he looked back at her before going to prepare the chocolate, she was settling on the sofa. A warm feeling spread through his chest, to see how well she fit in, not only with his hobbies, his ideas or with his life in general, but now with his home as well.

After preparing the hot chocolate he poured it on the mugs, not forgetting the whipped cream and cinnamon, something he had learned to appreciate thanks to Emma. Killian shook his head as she smiled at the thought, once again, of the effect that amazing woman had on him.

When he went back to the living room carrying the two mugs, the image he found made his heart melt a little more. Emma lay asleep on his couch, clutching one of his cushions, a placid expression on her slightly tanned face and the ghost of a smile on her lips. He smiled fondly, the feeling that she belonged to this place growing strong inside him.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Emma awoke the next day well rested, with the feeling of having slept peacefully for several hours. Still reluctant to abandon the sleep, she kept her eyes closed as she snuggled into the cocoon formed by the sheets. Just as her mind began to navigate between the world of dreams and consciousness, she detected something different, a smell. Killian's scent. She smiled at the thought that a dream might seem so real that she was able to feel his intoxicating scent penetrating her nostrils. It felt so real... maybe too real...

She sat up with a start as she looked around frantically unable to recognize the place. A sense of panic began to creep over her as her brain, still clouded by sleep, tried hard to remember what had happened the night before.

Her eyes then detected a framed photo on the bedside table. A photo of the Jones family. The corner of her lips lifted subtly as she exhaled deeply in relief, the memories coming little by little to her head. She lay down again, burying her head in the pillow and feeling once again how Killian's lingering scent caused her a slight feeling of dizziness. She must have fallen asleep on the couch, exhausted from their intense experience at sea. It seemed that this was going to become a habit, Emma falling asleep on the couch and Killian carrying her to the nearest bed, which in that case happened to be his own.

Just as she was beginning to wonder where he had gone, she noted that her cell phone was on the nightstand, along with a paper note. Emma smiled again, reveling in Killian's elegant handwriting.

Hello Sleeping Beauty. Do you know that when you fall asleep there is nothing that can wake you up? I'll be sleeping on the couch. Make yourself at home.

He was such an idiot... and cute, and handsome, and a little sassy, and he gave off such self-confidence as he captained the ship. And those eyes, his very blue eyes... God! She had a serious problem, the bastard had gotten under her skin in such a way that he now occupied all her thoughts. And being in his bedroom, lying on his bed and between his sheets, in the same ones he would have been wrapped in the night before, did not help in the least, quite the contrary.

Even so, before getting out of bed, she buried her nose in the pillow, inhaling deeply, while thinking that this was one of the great advantages of not being separated by an ocean. Now she could smell, touch, feel... She let out a groan as she covered her face with her hands. Since when had she become a teenage girl with her first crush instead of a grown woman? Since she met damned Killian Jones.

It was her bladder that forced her to get up. Once the bathroom was located and after relieving herself, she tried to untangle her hair with her fingers. — "Where do you keep a comb, Jones?" Finally, she gave up, putting her hair up in a sloppy bun. She washed her face and used some of Killian's toothpaste to freshen her breath. She needed to be presentable enough for when it was time to face Killian again.

It was strange, to walk through a house she had never been in while its owner was asleep. Well, it was not really strange, a strong feeling of déjà vu came over her as she thought about her one night stands. But with Killian, it felt so different...

She was not walking on tiptoe to avoid awakening the guy in question and having to explain. She did it because it was Sunday, and she didn't want to disturb Killian's sleep. Not yet. When on other occasions she would have left the apartment without even looking back, she was now in his living room, reveling in how Killian had managed to make the place seem cozy, tastefully decorated, but at the same time maintaining a slightly masculine line. Every little detail reminded her of Killian. And, above all, this place looked dangerously like something she could call home...

A chill ran down her spine, though she was unsure if it was solely caused by the low morning temperature. A slight sense of panic tugged at her stomach, clenching it in knots. She deliberately avoided looking at the couch, afraid that feeling would get stronger. Instead, she grabbed the hoodie Killian had hung on the rack the night before and wrapped herself in it, closing her eyes and inhaling deeply, letting his scent invade her again.

She felt hopeless about Killian. After a few more minutes roaming the room, she finally gave up and, resigned, looked at the figure lying asleep on the couch.

Her heart began to beat faster, while a warmth spread all over her chest. He looked so young while he slept... His long lashes caressed his flushed cheeks, his lips were parted slightly, his face relaxed. He had his right arm bent under his head while his other arm rested on his stomach. The t-shirt he was wearing had slid up slightly, exposing part of his belly and a hint of his torso hair on its way to disappearing under his sweatpants...

Emma suddenly felt suffocated, as she repressed the urge to reach out and touch his exposed skin... She needed some fresh air. Immediately.

She looked away and noticed the spiral staircase in the corner of the room. She approached as she remembered that Killian's apartment also included a rooftop.

Her need to know everything possible about Killian made her climb the stairs ready to satisfy her curiosity. What she found not only did not disappoint her but her sense of home increased. The staircase led to a small room, just a studio with minimal furniture, a desk, an armchair near the door to the rooftop and a shelf full of books, a small sofa and a table for television. But all this was dotted with nautical details, decorated with warm colors and several pictures of his family hanging from the walls. She could not help but reach out and brush her fingers delicately over one of the photos, probably taken recently, since Killian appeared with his two nephews and niece. It was adorable and also a menace to her, as the butterflies of her stomach began to flap furiously.

She sighed in surprise as she reached the small rooftop area, expecting it to be much larger. Instead, the roof was more like a large balcony, with a garden set of table and chairs on one side and several plants adorning both the floor and the walls. Emma walked over to the railing to watch the view as the cool morning breeze caressed her face.

The roller coaster of emotions that she was living since yesterday — to be honest, since she found the damn phone — seemed to have no end. But she tried to ignore her feelings and instead focused on Killian. It was unfair in a way, she thought with some bitterness. This man still carried a high burden on his shoulders, despite having left his homeland trying for a fresh start, his demons of the past had not yet left him. However, he had been able to build a life here, surround himself with friends, create a home.

Emma however, had lived in Boston for two years, could hardly consider her apartment a home and she had begun to open up to other people only at the moment when Killian appeared in her life.

He had all the ingredients to keep moving on, he just needed a little push and determination to do it. And she was sure that Killian Jones would get it.

The idea that she could, not only accompany him on this path but be in a way the catalyst was too tempting, but also overwhelming. Emma was aware at that very moment, that there was no turning back, that thanks to Killian she was experiencing for the first time what it was to live, not just to exist. She was opening, letting people in, she was living new experiences, her walls were almost completely gone. And that was what scared her the most, the power Killian had over her. If she let the last bricks fall apart, that also meant that if, for some reason, things did not go right between them, she would be totally destroyed after having lost her armor. The mere thought of having to return to her pathetic and lonely past life made her stomach tighten into knots.

Emma shook her head, returning those thoughts to the depths of her mind. She still had a week to continue experimenting with Killian and she was not going to waste it.

The first thing Killian noticed when he woke up was a sharp pain in the back of his neck radiating to his right shoulder. He grunted in pain as he brought his left hand to his nape and massaged it trying to stretch his muscles. Bloody couch ... His mind was still clouded from sleep and he was reluctant to open his eyes, but little by little a thought began to wander through his head. The moment he processed the reason why he was sleeping on the couch he sat up with a start, his heart beating frantically against his rib cage. Emma!

Not even in his best dreams — well, maybe in some of his wild and unspeakable dreams — would he have imagined that the day would begin like this, with Emma sleeping in his bed. Maybe for that reason, he sat up suddenly and went to his bedroom. Maybe he wanted to check that, in effect, what had happened was not the product of his imagination.

The smile on his face disappeared the moment he opened the door to his bedroom and found that his bed was empty. He felt his heart drop to his stomach while utter disappointment washed over him. It had been too good to be true, he thought with some bitterness.

He was about to close the door again when something caught his attention. Her backpack was still there, just like her phone. He let out a sigh of relief. Maybe he should get used to the fact that with Emma Swan, his heart would never be calm again.

Where was she? He wondered as he returned to the kitchen, noticing that the bathroom door was open so she wasn't in there. Killian noticed then that his hoodie had disappeared, and only one person could have borrowed it and that person might need it right now. Smiling, he glanced at the ceiling realizing that Emma was likely on the roof above. He decided to leave a few more minutes of privacy to Emma, and went to prepare some coffee. Although they would go out soon to meet the Nolans for brunch, he needed caffeine. He suspected that Emma would not refuse a cup of hot coffee either.

He made his way to the rooftop in silence, holding both mugs in hand. When he arrived, Emma did not seem to notice his presence. She had her back to him, leaning against the railing. She was wearing his hoodie, and the same shorts from the day before, those that revealed her legs in a somewhat sinful way. Her hair was pulled back in a bun that exposed the back of her neck. She was a vision.

Killian carefully set down the mugs on the garden table and sidled toward her, his stomach fluttering in anticipation to know what her reaction to his presence would be.

When he was just a few inches away from her, he whispered in her ear. "Good morning, sleeping beauty."

"Shit Killian!” She cried out with a shudder as she turned her head slightly. "I almost had a heart attack." She scolded, a small wrinkle of annoyance adorning her forehead.

"I'm sorry, love." He suppressed a laugh. "I brought coffee." He offered, pointing to the table.

Emma looked over her shoulder, but then returned her sight to the city. "Thank you." She murmured.

Killian noticed she was shivering slightly. Although she wore his hoodie, it was an unusually cold morning despite being a day in late June. Tentatively, he placed his hands on both of Emma's arms and began rubbing them gently, in order to provide her with some warmth.

To his surprise and total delight, Emma not only did not reject the touch but she reached into his arms and wrapped them around her shoulders, snuggling against him. He closed his eyes trying to calm his breathing and his agitated heart, not quite sure that he was not still dreaming.

"It's cold." She justified, arching her back a little more against his chest.

"So you're using me as a kind of human heater, eh? Have you already added it as one of my qualities on that list of yours?"

"Maybe."

Killian chuckled. The fact that she used the cold as an excuse was perfectly fine with him. Any excuse to hold Emma in his arms was worth it to him. He could get used to that, get up in the morning and share a cup of coffee on the rooftop, together. A sense of vertigo seized him, as he tightened his embrace and buried his head in the hollow of her neck and shoulder. If this was a dream, he never wanted to wake up.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Swan! Tell me you haven't stolen my favorite hoodie.

I haven't stolen your favorite hoodie.

It's not funny. It's the one I wear when I go sailing, it's like my work uniform.

It's just a hoodie.

It's my hoodie.

And what would you say to me if you knew that I am wearing it now? With nothing underneath?

Minx.

 Wednesday, June 28, 2017

 Did you catch your jumper?

I did.

That's my girl! Do you fancy a drink to celebrate?

Okay.

Your place or mine?

Mine, 7pm, don't be late.

As you wish.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

On my way to your office. Ask Will and Belle if they have any preference for pizza. And no, I'm not going to order pineapple.

Of course not. That's sacrilege.

And no anchovies either.

Swan...

I'm paying today, buddy.

Friday, June 30, 2017

Even though it had been almost a week, Emma had not been able to stop thinking about her first experience aboard a boat. She wouldn't tell him, for fear of sending his ego into overdrive, but that first experience had surpassed all expectations. In fact, she sometimes was enthralled by recalling the mixture of feelings that had taken over her that one day, the feeling of freedom as she surfed the waves, all the ocean at her disposal, the sea breeze and the rays of the sun caressing her skin, the laughter and complicity shared with both Will and Belle. And Killian, his confidence, his skills, his ability to tell stories and his appeal that seemed to increase when he showed signs of his command and knowledge.

And the next day in his apartment... Despite having that overwhelming moment on the rooftop, the mere presence of Killian behind her had been enough to calm her down. Which was somewhat contradictory, because he had also been to blame for her inner turmoil.

Something had changed between them from that moment. The physical contact between them was now more usual, either through a casual brush of their fingers when they were going to grab something, or the kiss on the cheek that he gave her every time they met, or the little hugs they shared to say goodbye. Her inhibitions were disappearing little by little, being replaced by an almost constant need of Killian. They needed to see each other every day and any excuse was good for it.

"Earth to Emma."

Graham's voice brought her back to reality. She realized then that, although her hand remained on the computer mouse, she had not paid attention at all neither to the screen nor to her boss, apparently.

"Are you back with me?" Graham had approached her desk, leaning toward her, his hands on the smooth surface and an amused expression on his face.

Shit. All this was Killian's fault. The bastard had got under her skin and prevented her from concentrating even on the simplest tasks. Emma cleared her throat and straightened her back. "Sorry, I got distracted." She murmured apologetically.

"I can see that." Graham grinned. "And I guess your distraction has something to do with a certain Irishman, am I right?"

Emma felt her cheeks flush, suddenly very interested in what appeared on her computer's screen. Was she really that obvious? Even so, she decided to ignore her boss. "What do you want?"

Graham raised an eyebrow in question, but after shaking his head slightly, he explained. "I was asking you if you need company for this morning's surveillance."

Emma was going to answer when something caught her attention. She shifted her gaze to the front door noticing his presence even before he made an appearance. Of course, Killian Jones had chosen that moment to pay her a visit.

Graham turned his head following the direction of her gaze. "Seriously?" He muttered looking at her again, while he shook his head in a gesture of resignation. Although his tone had a slight hint of reproach, his amused expression didn't disappear from his face.

Emma ignored her boss and focused on Killian, who had stepped into the office as if he owned the place, despite having passed by only a couple of times in the last two weeks. He carried a cardboard tray in his hand, with several cups of coffee to go.

His face split into a wide smile the moment their eyes met, but before reaching her desk, he handed a cup of coffee to Leroy and chatted with him for a few seconds. Emma could not help but be surprised at how well Killian had fit into her small group of acquaintances. Even the usually grumpy Leroy was able to soften his temper in front of him.

Killian performed the same action with Graham but their conversation was somewhat more extensive. It was evident they got along well. Having common interests helped in that regard since they could spend hours talking about Europe and sports.

Finally, he approached her desk while shooting her a beaming grin, causing her heart to skip and her stomach to flop. Bastard!

"Good morning, love." He handed her one of the cups as he grabbed a chair and sat next to her. "Here you go, your hot chocolate, with whipped cream and cinnamon." Then he pulled a package out of the bag he was carrying. "And this is for later, for your surveillance session."

Emma almost tore the package from his hands, eager to know its contents. Her mouth watered as she unwrapped the package and found two delicious bear claws. God! How was it possible that he knew her so well in such a short time?

"Two, why two?" She asked before taking a bite of one of them.

"Because I was pretty sure you would eat one of them now." He grinned at her raising one of his eyebrows. "And from what I see, I wasn't wrong." Emma rolled her eyes but she didn't have time to counterattack with a retort as Kilian got ahead of her. His eyes went wide as he patted his forehead with one hand, as if he had just remembered something.

"I almost forgot. Do you have any plans for tonight, love?"

Emma leaned against the back of her chair, arms crossed over her chest and an arched eyebrow. "It depends. If I remember correctly today is Friday. Fringe Friday , right?”

"Aye, but maybe you prefer something different tonight." He slid two pieces of cardboard in her direction, appearing to be some kind of ticket.

Her heart skipped a beat and her eyes widened in surprise when she read the contents. Indeed, they were two tickets for an outdoor concert of a Queen tribute band . Just tonight.

"Oh my God, really? For tonight?" Emma had to suppress the urge to scream excitedly or pull him into a kiss or both, because the truth was that she hadn't attended an event of this kind in, well, ever. She could feel herself getting overwhelmed, and instinctively resorted to teasing him in self-preservation. "I wonder if Ruby will be free tonight, or maybe Graham."

Killian blinked, his smile faltering, as his hand reached behind his ear. "Well..." He trailed off, the disappointment written all over his face.

"Just kidding." She reassured him, getting the desired effect, since he let out a sigh of relief. Did he really think that she would want to go with someone other than him? "By the way, how did you get them?"

"I have my contacts." His lips curled into a wide smirk, showing he had regained his confidence. Then he patted the desk and stood up. "I gotta go now. Shall I pick you up at seven?"

Emma nodded, her lips drawing a smile of gratitude. "Thank you."

"Anytime love." He winked at her. After saying goodbye to her two coworkers, he finally disappeared through the door.

She leaned against the back of her seat, sliding the two tickets between her fingers. It was at that moment when she realized that today was the deadline, tomorrow she would have to make a decision. Her heart had decided practically from the very moment that the deal was established. And that decision was reaffirmed day after day. Her mind, however, was still struggling. Whatever would happen, she couldn’t think of a better way to end this almost perfect month than by listening to her favorite songs live with the best possible company. She would have time to decide. Tomorrow.

Emma paced up and down her bedroom, in an attempt to calm the nerves that had settled in the pit of her stomach.

The previous stake-out had given her a lot of time to think, maybe too much, making her increasingly nervous. The reason was not to spend more time with Killian, not even the end of the deal. She had become a bundle of nerves because of the event itself.

It was a silly thing, really, but when you have spent most of your life alone, without going to social events, you feel like the child who is going to school for the first time. At least that was happening to her right now. It was an absurd thought since she was going to be surrounded by a crowd, no one would pay attention to her. But nerves had left her paralyzed to the point of being unable to make a decision as to the outfit. She let out a groan of frustration as she cursed herself for her pathetic former life.

But she was not alone anymore. She had a small group of friends she could count on. And desperate situations would require desperate measures. Ruby could be of help in the wardrobe department.

Emma: I need help. What should I wear to go to a concert?

Ruby: What kind of concert?

Emma: Queen tribute band. Outdoor.

Ruby: You going with Killian?

Emma: What does that have to do with my choice of clothes?

Ruby: That has everything to do with, honey.

Emma rolled her eyes, but didn't argue. Time was racing and she had not even got dressed. After letting out a sigh of resignation, she slid her fingers down the keyboard, typing her answer.

 Emma: Okay, yes, I'm going with Killian.

Ruby: Great! You have to choose comfortable clothes and shoes, but with a sexy point, that will drive Killian crazy.

Emma: Could you be more specific?

Ruby: Tight jeans and something sleeveless. Don't wear heels.

Sleeveless...Yes! Emma remembered a black halter top with a scooped neckline that she had bought a couple of years ago. Not just sleeveless but backless. It was sexy but still comfortable. And Killian wouldn't know what had hit him. First problem solved.

Emma: Thanks, Ruby, I owe you one.

Ruby: Anytime. Have fun! Be a very bad girl. And tell me all the details tomorrow.

Emma locked the screen of her phone and hurriedly searched her closet for the chosen outfit. She also opted for low ankle boots and pulled her hair up into a high ponytail. When she was applying the final makeup touches, someone knocked on her door. Emma took two deep breaths and looked at the mirror for the last time. Her reflection offered a reassuring smile. After nodding subtly, she picked up her purse and went to meet Killian.

All her worries evaporated the moment she saw Killian. His eyes widened slightly as he gave her an appreciative look, stopping perhaps more than necessary at her cleavage.

"You look perfect for the occasion, Swan."

"Thank you, you are not so bad yourself." And it was true. He had chosen jeans and a printed shirt with the iconic image of Freddie's silhouette with his fist held high. — What a nerd — It was evident that he had made an effort to comb his hair, but even so, she felt the impulse to run her fingers through it. Instead, she closed the door behind her. "Shall we?"

Killian nodded, offering his hand, and they both walked toward his car with their hands clasped as her heart threatened to slip out of her rib cage. Her mind —the devil part— tried to betray her by screaming that this was a proper date. She decided to ignore that little inner voice although her worries made their appearance again at the time she got into the car.

During the drive, she stared out of the window, feeling increasingly ridiculous to be nervous because of something as banal as a concert. She could feel Killian glancing at her from time to time, even though she couldn't see him, and that in itself made her more nervous.

"I can hear you think, Swan." Killian broke the silence nonchalantly, although she detected a hint of concern in his voice.

It wasn't fair. They were supposed to go out and enjoy their favorite music and yet she was not only a bundle of nerves, but she was also worrying Killian unnecessarily. With a sigh, she decided to confess.

"It's silly, really, it's just that I feel a little stupid, because..." Her voice trailed off as she tried to collect her thoughts. "I've never been to a concert. Well, that's not quite true, I was once, with Lily. We went to a concert when we were just girls, I don't even remember which artist played because I was terrified that someone would catch us." Her lips drew a bitter smile, remembering her old friend Lily and how in the end she too had let her down, like everyone else. "Afterwards, with Neal, we were too busy making other stuff to think about going to concerts, and then..." She was aware that she was rambling but she found herself unable to stop. "And then I was left alone and it's kinda pathetic to go to a concert for yourself, isn't it?"

When she finished her self-pity speech, she held her breath and looked back out the window, waiting for Killian's reaction. When she thought Killian was going to remain silent for the rest of the trip, he surprised her with his voice full of determination.

"Well, we have work to do then. We have to make up for lost time. There's a music festival near here in two weeks. I'll buy the tickets tomorrow."

A wave of gratitude washed over her as she swallowed the lump growing in her dry throat. She blinked a couple of times, preventing the tears from spilling down her cheeks. "I would like that." She muttered, offering Killian a small smile, while she wondered if she would ever be able to compensate him for everything he was doing for her. One thing was sure, she was more than willing to help him overcome his old ghosts of the past.

He returned the smile and gave her a reassuring look, which hid a meaning full of promise. His piercing eyes were telling her, without needing words, that he was going to make sure that, if it depended on him, she could fulfill all her little dreams. "And now, since this is going to be your first real experience, we're going to make it worth it, aye?"

Killian was right. The experience was totally worth it. For the next two hours, Emma allowed herself to be carried away, enveloped by the music, joining the crowd and singing loudly until she almost tore her throat, moving to the beat of the music and sharing looks of complicity with Killian. It was an adrenaline rush, her body vibrated with excitement as a sense of self-confidence spread through her veins, making her feel capable of accomplishing everything she set out to do.

There was a small moment of weakness, though. When the first chords of "The Show Must Go On" began to sound, a wave of memories came over her. This song had been her motto for many years, something she clung to so as not to collapse when it seemed that the burden over her shoulders was too heavy.

Killian, as perceptive as ever, seemed to notice her agitation, as he wrapped his arms around her from behind, whispering the lyrics of the song in her ear along with reassuring words. "It's okay, Swan, let yourself go, enjoy the music." She closed her eyes, melting in his embrace as the two slowly swayed to the rhythm of the song.

My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies

Fairytales of yesterday will grow but never die

I can fly, my friends

For the first time, she felt that she actually could fly.

When the concert was over, Killian grabbed Emma's hand and pulled her gently, guiding her through the crowd. Their hands remained intertwined even after leaving the outdoor area, while her heart beat hard due in part to the adrenaline that still ran through her veins and to the effect of his thumb gently brushing the palm of her hand.

The temperatures had dropped a little and as they moved away from the crowd she began to shiver slightly, while cursing herself for having forgotten her jacket at home. Killian was more foresighted, of course, and even before they got into the car he offered her a leather jacket that, according to him, he always kept in the back seat for emergencies. Emma did not hesitate twice and quickly wrapped herself in it, feeling the warmth spread over her body instantly.

They didn't talk much on the way back home. Kilian set the radio selecting a station with slow music while Emma settled into her seat and wrapped herself even more in his jacket. Little by little, she felt her muscles relax and her eyelids grow heavier. She didn't want to fall asleep, not at all, but maybe she could close her eyes and enjoy the trip, the comfort of the seat, the warm atmosphere, the soft rock, and Killian's humming, his voice reaching her ears like a lullaby. She would only close her eyes for a few minutes...

"Emma..."

"Swan, wake up."

Emma opened her eyes when her ears detected Killian's voice saying her name softly. She felt disoriented at first, her mind still clouded by sleep. Little by little, she became aware of her surroundings. A groan escaped her lips when she realized that they had already reached their destination. She squeezed her eyes shut briefly, blinking away the last vestiges of sleep.

"Are you with me, Sleeping Beauty?" Killian asked, his eyes glittering with amusement.

Emma nodded silently, her still dry throat preventing her from uttering words aloud.

Kilian chuckled at her side. "If I didn't know you better I would think that my presence is so boring as to make you fall asleep."

Emma massaged her forehead as she let out another moan of embarrassment. "Oh god, I'm sorry, it's just that your damn car is too comfy."

"I'll take it as a compliment." He commented as he grinned at her.

She had to hold back the retort hanging on the tip of her tongue in order to suppress a yawn. She was so exhausted that her mind could not function properly. It would be better if she went to sleep before she embarrassed herself again.

Killian, as usual, seemed to read her mind. "Go to sleep, Swan, we'll talk tomorrow." At that moment his eyes widened subtly, a shadow of what seemed to be disappointment crossed his gaze. "I almost forgot I have a very busy day tomorrow and the guys and I are going out at night." He paused for a moment holding her gaze, a spark of something similar to hope appearing in his eyes. "See you on Sunday to have brunch?"

Emma then realized the meaning hidden in his words. The deadline expired today, probably had already expired, she was not even sure what time it was. If she accepted that they would see each other on Sunday, in the same way as on previous Sundays, that would mean at least that she was not going to run away. But she still had not expressed her decision out loud. She had not even made a decision yet.

"Sure, I'll call you." The words came out of her mouth before she had time to stop them, but the spark of hope in his eyes became more evident, causing her not to regret having said them. Her lips drew a reassuring smile as she held his gaze. "By the way, my first real concert has been a unique experience. Thank you, really." She felt the need to express her gratitude in some way.

"It has been a unique experience for me too, I assure you." The smile that tugged up the corners of his lips was full of affection. His gaze dipped from her eyes to her lips causing Emma to be paralyzed for a few seconds, unable to tear her gaze away from his mouth as her entire body vibrated in anticipation. When Killian leaned toward her she felt her heart stop in her chest as she closed her eyes instinctively. A slight dizziness came over her as his lips pressed gently to her cheek, dangerously close to the right corner of her lips. "Sleep well, Emma." He breathed against her skin before pulling back.

Before opening her eyes, Emma let out the breath she had been holding. Her throat had suddenly gone dry, which made it impossible to utter any words. She needed to get out of there right now before doing something that she would later regret. After smiling weakly and offering a timid nod she finally got out of the vehicle.

As she walked towards the entrance of her building she felt her knees go weak and a lingering tingling in her cheek. She realized then that she was still wearing his jacket, but she did not feel like returning and facing him again. That meant adding one more item to the list of his belongings that were now in Emma's possession. First was his phone, then his hoodie, and now his jacket. " And his heart ." Her inner voice — she wasn't sure if this time it was her inner angel or demon — didn't hesitate to remind her. " You have his heart in your hands ." She ignored that thought deliberately, but when she turned around before disappearing into the building and found that he was still waiting, that thought became more real than ever. She was holding his heart, but he had already taken hold of hers a while ago. It was a terrifying feeling in both senses.

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Despite having a busy day, Killian found a moment, between a tour with the Jolly Roger and some sailing lessons to make a video call with his family. No matter how busy he was, those conversations had been included in his daily routine a long time ago and today was not going to be an exception.

He loved talking to his family. The funny conversations with Connor and Eileen always had the ability to lift his spirits, although they left him with a longing that persisted for hours. He also loved talking to his brother and Elsa, but sometimes Liam's constant concern was hard to bear. Even so, he never failed. There would always be room for his family in his life, no matter how far away they were.

"You look good, little brother." Killian was pleasantly surprised to hear his brother, to the point that he did not even bother to correct him. It was at that moment when he realized he was smiling broadly. In fact, that smile of contentment had not disappeared from his lips since he woke up that morning.

"Does that mean everything went well yesterday with Emma?" Elsa asked without bothering to hide her excitement. Suddenly, her eyes widened in surprise. "Wait a minute, the deadline expired yesterday! Emma has already made a decision, hasn't she?"

He cursed himself internally for having the stupid occurrence of having confessed the content of the deal to both Liam and Elsa since the beginning. From that moment on he had to endure Liam's expressions of continued concern and the glimmer of emotion in Elsa's eyes every time they spoke about Emma.

"Is that true, Killian? Is that why you look so happy?" Liam asked, his voice charged with anticipation.

Killian had to suppress a groan and instead he pressed his lips together drawing a tight smile. "No, she hasn't made a decision yet." He admitted reluctantly.

"But the deadline is over, right?" Liam insisted, a frown of concern appearing on his brow.

He sighed as he squeezed his eyes with his hands. Then he looked back at the screen. "Yes, the deadline is over, but we haven't spoken about it." Before his brother could reply, he continued. "Everything is fine, though. We are going to see each other again tomorrow."

"What if Emma doesn't make a decision? What if she doesn't give you an answer?" Although Elsa maintained a soft tone, her voice hid a bit of worry while offering a tentative smile. Great ! She had always been on the pro-Emma team, but it seemed that Liam had infected her with his concern.

Killian shrugged. "That itself is a kind of decision, isn't it?"

"You're not going to ask her..." Liam's words didn't come as a question but as an affirmation.

"No, I'm not going to ask her. I'm not going to pressure her to make a decision. I don't care if she doesn't make any decisions at all. As long as she's comfortable with me I'm going to stay by her side." Although he had already raised that possibility, his speech came unexpectedly. However, as the words came out of his mouth, he was feeling increasingly confident, more determined.

"You really care about Emma." This time Liam's voice did not hide a tone of reproach or worry. It was as if he had first realized the intensity of his feelings towards her.

"I do. She makes me happy, that's all I need right now." He affirmed with determination. Her by my side it's all I need to move on. I don't care if it's as a friend or as a lover. I only need her.

"I'm so happy for you, Killian for real. And I'm sure Emma is going to make a decision soon, and that will be good for you." He thanked Elsa's words, which had, as always, a balsam effect on his agitated heart.

"I hope you know what you're doing, brother. But it's obvious that she makes you happy, that's enough for me." The barest hint of a smile crossed Liam's features, but for Killian, always used to his expression of perpetual concern in everything related to him, it meant the world.

Killian spoke a few more minutes with his family before saying goodbye with the promise that he would keep in touch and inform them about any news related to Emma.

After the talk with Liam and Elsa, he felt as if he had passed a test. However, the continued mention of Emma reminded him that they would not see each other today. He had decided last night, after seeing her disappear into her building with a flustered expression on her face, that he would bury any possible worry about her decision in the depths of his mind. Now, his whole body craving to see her, to hear her, to lose himself in her eyes. The day was going to be very long without her by his side.

Emma stirred her hot chocolate absently as she reminisced about the previous day.

"I gather from your bemused expression that the concert went well." Ruby's amused voice took Emma out of her trance. She straightened her back and pressed her lips together, schooling her features so as not to betray her emotions.

"It was alright." She commented in a nonchalant tone, suddenly very interested in the contents of her cup.

"It was alright."  Ruby echoed her words with a mocking tone. "Okay, if the concert was alright, then the good part came after the concert."

Emma glared at her friend as she felt her cheeks begin to burn due to her insinuation. Even so, she lips remained stubbornly sealed.

"Oh, come on!" Ruby raised her hands in surrender. "I had to make you react in some way." She said, clearly amused by the situation. Still, she remained in silence as she took a sip of her drink. "How was your date?" Ruby insisted, this time with a softer tone.

"It wasn’t a date." Emma commented without bothering to look convincing.

"It wasn't a date." Ruby's habit of repeating her words using a different intonation was driving her crazy. "Are you aware that what you have been doing this last month it's in fact, dating?"

Emma rolled her eyes, regretting having decided to go to Granny's. She should have stayed in her apartment, in her bed, sleeping until Sunday and the possibility of seeing Killian again. "No, not like that, we go out just as friends." She insisted. She was not having this conversation now.

"Whatever..." Ruby waved her hand in front of her. "Then you prefer to continue in this way? With your " not dating "?

"It's safer." She shrugged.

"It's boring." Ruby counterattacked placing both her hands on the counter.

"Killian is not boring."

This time it was Ruby who rolled her eyes at her failed attempt to change the subject. "Okay, he is not, but think about how things could improve if you do more interesting stuff. You know what I mean." Ruby raised her eyebrow so obscenely that Emma’s cheeks blushed again.

She contemplated the possibility of running away right then and there without bothering to look back. That was something the previous Emma would have done. Run away from your problems and avoid making decisions that could affect your heart. Instead, she sighed and offered a weak explanation to Ruby. "That other stuff could complicate everything."

"Maybe... Or maybe it could make you the happiest woman on the planet. I have the impression that we could add amazing in bed to Killian's list of qualities."

Emma groaned as she covered her face with her hands, her mind playing tricks on her and imagining Killian in those kinds of activities. Damn Ruby! She didn’t need this, not when she almost fainted from a simple kiss on the cheek or when her whole body tingled, craving his touch every time they were together.

"For real now. I know that our friendship is still new, but now that I know you better, you’re like an open book, your emotions are written all over your face. I suspect that you prefer to take no decision, go for the sure way to keep him by your side but without committing to anything else. But you have to decide, Emma, he deserves it, and you deserve to give yourself this opportunity too." Ruby reached for her forearm and gave it a squeeze of encouragement.

Emma could only offer a small smile of gratitude as her heart beat frantically in her chest. Ruby was right, she had to make a decision. Tomorrow, she would talk to Killian tomorrow.

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Two o'clock in the morning. Emma scrambled uneasily on the bed, pounding on the pillow to make it more comfortable and adjusting the sheets in an attempt to invite sleep. It was in vain. Still, she suppressed the urge to grab her phone for the hundredth time to check her notifications. And she succeeded. For five seconds. With a sigh of defeat, she gave up and reached for the phone. Nothing, the same as the previous times, not a single notification coming from Killian.

Emma dropped the phone on the bed and rubbed her face with her hands. She needed to sleep, desperately. Only then her mind would stop playing tricks on her, imagining different scenarios that would explain the absence of communication from Killian. Maybe he has forgotten his phone at home, or maybe it has run out of battery, or it has been stolen, he may be busy with his friends, he may have met someone ... She tried to ignore that last scenario, but for some reason, that idea remained stuck in her head. He was a single, handsome man after all…

As if that weren't enough the Angel and the Demon of her conscience decided that now was the appropriate time to have a debate. Sleep was clearly not happening any time soon.

Demon: See? If she is in this situation, only she is to blame. Angel: What are you talking about? Don't listen to that demon, Emma. Demon: She could have broken the deal before, confessing her feelings. Angel: She just wanted to be cautious. We cannot blame her considering her past. Demon: Oh, sure. That is why she is now all jealous and unable to sleep. Angel: It's not jealousy, it's just worry. Demon: Whatever.

"Enough!"

A groan of frustration escaped her mouth. She was so pathetic... She turned around once more on the bed, wrapped herself in the sheets and closed her eyes stubbornly, trying by all means to leave her mind blank. She needed some rest, not only to curb her overflowing imagination but to be able to face the decision she would make the next day.

A few hours later, Emma woke abruptly with a muffled sound that she could not identify at first. She only felt able to open one eye, the light filtered through the window telling her it was already midmorning. Her mind was still clouded by sleep so she ignored the sound and buried her head down the pillow in an attempt to go back to sleep.

The sound continued, though, this time also accompanied by a voice.

"Emma." Knock knock. "Emma." Knock knock. "Emma." Knock knock. Seriously? Was the nerd imitating Sheldon Cooper? Emma let out a groan as she tried to decide if the person on the other side of the door was actually Killian or she was in the middle of a dream. Or a nightmare.

She took two deep breaths as she tried to gain the determination needed to face Killian. She had not expected the conversation to happen so soon in the morning, when she had not even had the chance to ingest her dose of caffeine. But after the awful night she had spent, she had convinced herself that it was not wise to postpone the decision any longer.

"Here we go..." she muttered in an attempt to cheer herself up.

The first thing she noticed after opening the door was his smile, a brilliant flash of white teeth and curved lips. It was unfair, he had probably had few hours of sleep and yet here he was, looking fresh, without a hint of weariness on his face. Even worse, his eyes sparkled making his blue even more intense. Great. Just great .

"What are you doing here?" She snapped in a tone perhaps too sharp, but in her defense, neither her throat nor her mind seemed to be functioning properly yet.

"Good morning to you too, Swan." Killian ignored her abruptness and instead raised his hand holding a paper bag. "I brought breakfast." He offered with a waggle of his eyebrows.

Her brain did not work properly today, that's for sure. It's Sunday today, isn't it? Emma cocked her head slightly as she narrowed her eyes. "Breakfast? What about our brunch?"

"Oh, that." Killian's bottom lip caught between his teeth while his hand reached behind his ear. "I'm afraid there won't be brunch today. Little Leo felt a bit unwell this morning, so his parents decided it was better to stay at home."

"Oh!" Her eyebrows furrowed in concern as she stepped aside to let him in. "Poor baby, I hope it's nothing serious."

Before answering, Killian gave her a look she could not identify, but it was something akin to tenderness, perhaps? He cared for the little one, no doubt. Maybe he appreciated that she also cared? "He'll be fine, Swan, it's just a cold." He reassured her as he squeezed her arm gently. "But, I didn't want us to lose our little tradition, so as I woke up surprisingly early today despite being Sunday, I thought it was a good idea to have breakfast here."

Emma shrugged nonchalantly, although the idea of having breakfast together, in her apartment, on a Sunday morning, did nothing to calm her inner turmoil, a slight sense of uneasiness settled in the pit of her stomach.  She masked her feelings, though. "You better have brought coffee, I need my dose of caffeine."

"Uh..." Emma noticed then that Killian looked away, scratching behind his ear in a nervous gesture, his cheeks in a light pink tint. "Don't think this is a complaint, because it clearly isn't, rather on the opposite, but you, uh, maybe you would rather put on some more clothes."

Her eyes widened in horror at the same moment that her brain processed what he meant. "Oh my god!" She babbled as she crossed her arms over her chest, feeling a flush creeping up from her neck to her cheeks. The moment she realized that not only had she forgotten her bra but that she was also exposing her bare legs she wanted a hole to open under her feet and swallow her. "Just ... hold on a sec." She muttered in a mortified tone, avoiding his gaze as she ran to her bedroom.

"Holy shit." She closed the door behind her quickly, leaning for a moment against the smooth surface, while covering her face with her hands. Once her breathing had calmed down enough to make her look like a normal person, she grabbed some leggings and a bra and finished dressing.

She contemplated for a moment the possibility of remaining locked in her bedroom until Killian got tired and left, but finally decided to behave as an adult and mature person. But before, she needed to make sure that she was presentable enough.

The reflection in the mirror did nothing to mitigate her embarrassment, though, rather the contrary. Her hair was a real mess and she had dark circles under her eyes due to lack of sleep. Emma grunted in annoyance, feeling increasingly ridiculous. After putting her hair up in a bun and washing her face and teeth, she finally felt confident enough to come out of hiding.

Before leaving her bedroom, she grabbed Killian's phone and held it for a moment against her chest. A kind of strange melancholy washed over her as she thought that this would probably be the last time she would hold the device in her hands. After closing her eyes for a few moments and taking two deep breaths she finally opened the door and headed towards the living room.

In her absence, Killian moved to her kitchen where he was preparing breakfast as if he owned the place. He looked up when he noticed her presence, his eyes glittering with amusement.

Before he had time to comment on anything, she shook her head, raising her index finger as a warning sign for him to keep his mouth shut. He raised an eyebrow as he opened his mouth, but Emma cut him off again. "No, don't say anything, let's pretend like what happened before..." Her voice trailed off as her hand waved in front of her. "Just forget it, okay?"

Killian raised both hands in surrender, although the funny expression didn't disappear from his face. "I was just going to say that you've got a lovely shirt, Swan."

She huffed as she grabbed the first object she caught on hand — which luckily was a kitchen towel—and threw it at his face. He easily caught it in the air, his laughter echoing throughout the kitchen.

"Come on Swan, don’t feel bad, you have nothing to be ashamed of, I assure you. It was a bit unexpected, that's all."

Emma approached the counter with a reluctant step, still not daring to hold his gaze. When Killian put a cup of steaming coffee in front of her, she finally dared to raise her eyes. Emma shook her head while an unexpected giggle came bubbling up from her chest. "You can't complain, you got quite the show, didn’t you?" Emma laughed, feeling more relaxed.

"Believe me, the best show a man could dream of." Killian said arching his eyebrows seductively. Then a chuckle escaped his lips, joining her in laughter.

Once the laughter subsided, they sat down at the kitchen counter, enjoying a quiet breakfast and a light chat. She had to admit that although this domestic scenario terrified her in a certain way, it also made her feel safe. It was a contradictory feeling, which she supposed she would have to deal with later.

"So, how was your guys night?" Emma tried to make her voice sound carefree enough, while pretending to keep busy picking up the leftovers from breakfast.

"Oh, we had a good time. You should have seen Will, he ended up singing on the bar counter." Killian grinned. "I would have sent you a picture, but I forgot the phone at home."

Oh god, I'm such an idiot! So that was the reason why she had not received any messages from him. She suppressed a sigh of relief as she made a mental note to keep all her worries at bay. She couldn't stay this way, continuously on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop. If she was willing to start a relationship with Killian her fears should be left behind.

"Emma? Still with me?"

"Yeah, sorry.” She bit her lip, feeling the need to teasing him for a while.”So it's common practice for you to leave things behind, uh, especially phones... and wallets."

"Come on, Swan." His lips twisted as if he felt aggrieved. "The wallet was your fault."

"Whatever you say..." Emma decided to change the subject, still embarrassed by her behavior four weeks ago. Now that they had brought up the subject of the phone, perhaps it was time to face her decision once and for all and end the deal they had. She took two deep breaths, trying to get the necessary determination. "Speaking of phones..." She slid Killian's phone over the counter, placing it right in front of him. The moment of truth had arrived.

Killian didn't react at first, looking confused at the phone first and then at her. Little by little his brain seemed to process the information. His eyes went wide as if he were in shock and then he looked back at the phone, a shadow of hurt crossing his gaze.

"Killian..." She tried to reassure him, but he seemed lost. Shit! She was delivering this in the worst possible way. She noticed then how his jaw clenched and his brow furrowed but he continued to stare at the device, as if unable to react. "Killian, look at me." She tried to catch his attention by gently squeezing his arm.

Finally, he seemed to get out of his trance and his gaze strayed from the phone looking for hers. She had to suppress a gasp by checking the utter disappointment written all over his face. "It's not what you think." She hastened to reassure him. Her shoulders sank slightly, all the confidence she had felt a few minutes ago now vanished. But she had to do this, she owed it to him. "I'm aware that the deadline is over, and here's my answer. I'm returning your phone, but..." She paused to make sure she had his attention. "In return, I want your Fringe t-shirt and..." Her voice trailed off, as she checked to see if her words had any effect. To her relief, a spark of interest appeared in his eyes. "A date."

Emma held her breath, waiting for his definitive reaction. He still looked confused, moving his eyes from the phone to her again. "A date?"

"Yeah, you know,.. going out to dinner or something."

She could see the moment when his brain finally processed the meaning of her words. His face split into a giant smile and a new spark appeared in his eyes. Where before there was hurt and disappointment now she could only see hope and emotion. And relief. He let out a deep sigh while shaking his head. "Don't play with me like that, I almost had a heart attack, woman." He rebuked her, but the joy didn't disappear from his features.

The corners of her lips rose and her shoulders sank slightly, unable to hide her relief. "So, do you accept the deal?"

Killian closed one eye while wrinkling his nose. "I'm not sure about the t-shirt..."

"No t-shirt, no phone. It's a ransom payment, buddy, no negotiation possible." She put her hands on her hips for emphasis.

A quiet chuckle escaped his mouth. "Okay, we have a deal, but in return, I'll be in charge of organizing the date."

"What? I'm the one who asked you!"

"Aye, but I already have an idea in mind. I intend to make our perfect virtual date come true." He winked at her as he offered her a smile full of promise.

Emma's eyes widened in surprise. "Are we going to relive our first date? For real this time?"

"That's my intention." He nodded.

"When?"

"Tonight?"

Emma felt her heart race, her stomach fluttering in anticipation. "Tonight." She agreed. While her eyes darted to his lips an idea came to her head expanding a liquid heat all over her body. Reliving her virtual perfect date also meant making the best kiss she had ever experienced come true. If the sensation had been so intense at the time when even their lips weren't in contact, she didn't even want to imagine what would become of her when his lips finally touched hers.

"And now, Swan, I better go, I have a date to prepare." He raised an eyebrow as his tongue peeked out of the corner of her mouth in an exercise of seduction that she should already be used to. The butterflies flapping furiously in her stomach indicated otherwise, obviously.

Emma accompanied him to the front door, feeling a little dazed as she hadn't expected the date to take place that very day. And even less that they were going to relive their wonderful first virtual date. At least I won't have problems with the choice of the dress , she thought relieved as the corners of her lips lifted slightly.

Killian opened his mouth and closed it instantly, as if thinking better about what he was going to say. "See you tonight, Swan."

She nodded while offering a shy smile. He was about to turn around, when he stopped as if he had changed his mind. He approached her and, without her having time to react, his lips brushed her cheek. "Thanks for trusting me." He whispered, sending a chill down her spine as his velvety voice caressed her cheek.

Before she could react, though, he had already turned around walking down the aisle, while she stood stunned against the doorframe, feeling a lingering tingle on her cheek and an overwhelming sensation burning through her veins towards her heart, spreading warmth in her chest.

Her eyes remained fixed for a few seconds in the place where he had disappeared until she finally shook her head waking up from her trance and went back to her apartment.

A date. She had a real date. Tonight. The moment she realized the true meaning of what had just happened, she felt the beginning of a breakdown settling in her stomach. This time she wasn't alone, though. She took two deep breaths and grabbed her phone, typing furiously.

 Emma: Help! We have a date!

Ruby: A date-date or a friendly date?

Emma: A real one.

Ruby: So you made a decision, didn't you?

Emma: Yeah.

Ruby: It was about time! I'll be there in ten.

A sense of relief and gratitude spread through her body as she drifted back into the kitchen in search of a new dose of caffeine. However, she stopped short when her eyes detected the object placed over the counter, a laugh bubbling in the back of her throat. "Seriously?" The idiot had left his phone again. His story repeats itself , she thought as she grabbed the phone and held it protectively against her chest.

Hopefully, the next chapter will be shorter, because it will only include their date. Well, and maybe something else... We'll see...

Thanks for reading :)

@rouhn @couldnthandleit @teamhook @malec4everr @ijustwantyoucaskett-always @kmomof4 @resident-of-storybrooke

#cs ff #cs au #captain swan au #call me #cs au ff #mayquita writes #my cs writings

[lifeflowingon]

| QUICKSILVER | 3 |

• SUMMARY: After a student is gruesomely murdered on campus, Baek Haeju finds herself trying to extract information from the only person who might know the truth. But is secretive English major Min Yoongi just a witness? Or is he the culprit?

• WARNINGS: Death, murders, sex.

• WORDS: 2983.

"I'm dizzy and faithless, where is the ground?

You said this thing would not go upside down."

Rollercoaster | SleaterKinney

Haeju goes through the notes in silence, trying to figure out what everything means. Jungkook asked her to be secretive about the whole thing, that she was the only person (besides Jimin) who had access to the mysterious envelope.

Acuity was the end of Yanmi.

Haeju rubs her eyes tiredly as she puts all the papers back inside the envelope. Jungkook is obsessed with the little circle sketched on top of the paper, and so is Jimin. Both of them seem sure that it means something, but Haeju thinks they're just being paranoid.

What if this information is fake? She has asked Jungkook this question for the past couple days but Jungkook is as stubborn as ever and refuses to believe someone is trying to set him up.

Maybe Yoongi has nothing to do with it.

She drops the envelope in her backpack and glances at the box sitting in the corner of her room. Her dad sent her some of the stuff she left back home, and she knows that somewhere deep in the box sits a Polaroid camera. She got that from her parents the year before they got divorced, and Haeju has been refusing to use it. But her dad probably thought it would be nice to send it to her.

Haeju feels tears forming in her eyes, and she snorts at her emotional self. So many things have been going on lately, and she doesn't know how to handle it. She is still thinking about Jungkook's "confession" and how he almost kissed her. And she is also thinking about how he has been acting like nothing happened. Typical Jungkook.

Maybe she should just give up on love.

She decides to stop moping around and walks out of her room, holding her book bag close to her. She notices Chaerin standing by the windowsill, tears shining on her cheeks. Chaerin glances at Haeju and wipes her tears away, sniffing as she does.

Haeju gives Chaerin worried looks until the latter finally snaps at her, looking infuriated.

"I'm fine!" protests Chaerin, waving her coffee mug around. "I'm over him!"

"It's only been two days, Chaerin," says Haeju calmly. "And I heard you crying last night. Maybe..."

"The bookstore called," says Chaerin dryly, walking past Haeju. "They want you to work tonight."

"Okay, but Chaerin..."

Chaerin walks into her room and closes the door after her, her sobs suddenly audible, and Haeju wishes the day would end already.

xxxx

"I'm still working on my lead!" yells Jungkook as he munches on a donut. Haeju is sitting next to him as he types fast, his eyes glued to the computer screen. "Do you like that, Haeju?"

"It's a story about budget cuts," giggles Haeju, resting her hands on the desk. Jungkook gives her a wry smile and continues typing, and Haeju wonders if she can address the elephant in the room. But Jungkook seems busy, so she decides to keep the thoughts about their almost kiss to herself.

They still haven't had that public fight because, well, Yoongi is (again) nowhere to be found. Not that she's looking forward to their fight, just because she won't be able to hang out with him like this after it. She's sacrificing a lot of things for this story, and she just wishes Jungkook was more aware of it.

Haeju focuses on the notepad sitting on Jungkook's tiny desk and sees that Jungkook has been sketching the circle over and over again, and she is a little concerned about her best friend's sanity.

"Damn it," says Jungkook, glancing at his empty soda bottle. "I'm already done with it!"

"Jungkook, it's 8:30 in the morning," says Haeju sternly. "You shouldn't be drinking soda this early."

"Sorry, mom," teases Jungkook. Haeju gives him a playful shove as she stands up, pulling her coin purse out of her book bag.

"I'm going to the vending machine," says Haeju. "Do you want me to get you another soda?"

"Don't you have to go to class?" asks Jungkook, stopping his typing. "You know... your World Lit class?"

"I still have an hour... dad," retorts Haeju, and Jungkook grins at her in admiration.

"Sure... do you need change?" asks Jungkook, reaching for his pocket.

"No, don't worry about it," says Haeju, dangling her coin purse in front of him. "Be right back."

Jungkook just nods and starts typing again, and Jimin is starting to yell at some poor writer, making Haeju feel glad she's stepping out for a while. Yeah, newsrooms are definitely not for her.

Haeju walks out of the newsroom and she almost freezes at the sight of Yoongi walking by. He saw her, there is no way he didn't see her, but Yoongi starts walking faster, Haeju trailing after him.

"Yoongi! Are you coming to class today?" she calls, but Yoongi ignores her. Haeju finally catches up with him, grabbing him gently by the back of his jacket.

"What?" snarls Yoongi, turning to look at her.

"I just wanted to know if you're going to show up today..." starts Haeju, and she notices that Yoongi finally shaved, but he still looks extremely tired. "Are you okay? You look kind of sick"

"Stop it. Just... stop it."

His eyes are shining with fury and Haeju steps back as he looks at her, the rage irradiating from his body almost palpable.

"I'm not doing anything," squeaks Haeju.

"You're just following me around!" snarls Yoongi as the people walking by them start staring. "Leave me alone, Baek."

"We're partners!" retorts Haeju, tired of Yoongi's cold attitude. "We're supposed to spend time together, you know? To get a good grade? You need to come to class!"

"Right, right," snorts Yoongi derisively. "I don't trust you. I really don't."

Haeju feels furious, who is he after all? He's a stubborn jerk, a jerk that knows something about the murder of that poor girl, and here's Haeju, having an argument with him in the middle of the hallway. Maybe she'll get killed too.

"Does it look like I care?" snaps Haeju. Well, she should care, because she's supposed to become Yoongi's friend to help Jungkook with his article, but there is not way that she will make that happen.

Yoongi moves closer to her and their noses are almost touching, and she stares at him, not knowing if she should push him or punch him or... something. The contempt in his eyes disappears for a split second and is replaced by an unreadable emotion, but then Yoongi moves away and his stupid smirk comes back. His shirt looks disarrayed and his collarbone is momentarily exposed before he fixes his clothing in one swift movement, his eyes still on Haeju.

"See you later," he says venomously and leaves, but for once, Haeju doesn't care. Haeju feels her heart racing as she watches him walk away, the image of Yoongi's collarbone still very vivid in her mind.

He has a tattoo. A silver circle. The circle that has been puzzling Jungkook and Jimin for days is right there on Yoongi's skin. Just like the circle sketched on the paper and just like...

Haeju tries not to gasp as she remembers that Jung Hoseok had the same tattoo on the back of his neck. The permanent mark of a much greater mystery, and she can't help but think that Yoongi is definitely the key to solve that girl's murder.

She has to tell Jungkook.

xxxx

But Jungkook is not in the newsroom when she comes back from the vending machine, and Haeju looks around in cofusion as she sets the soda on the desk.

"Um... Anya, right?" asks Haeju tentatively, and the girl sitting at the desk next to Jungkook's looks up, smiling.

"Yeah," she says cheerfully.

"Where's Jungkook?"

"Oh, Jimin sent him to get some student quotes," says Anya, her fingers still typing as she looks at Haeju. "He went to the main dining hall."

Great. Haeju bids Anya goodbye as she grabs her bag and heads out, headed towards the dining hall. The hall is crowded with people who just finished having breakfast, but she can't find Jungkook. She spots Yoongi sitting at a table with Jung Hoseok and a guy wearing bunny ears, the three of them in deep conversation. Haeju looks away before Yoongi can see her staring, and she sees Jungkook standing nearby a table. He's holding his reporter's notebook and talking to a very attractive looking girl, which makes Haeju's heart sink.

"Lee Jiah, right?" asks Jungkook coquettishly. "Thanks for the quote. Any chance your number might come along with it?"

Katie gives him a funny look before smiling. "I'm taken, but thanks."

Haeju stands there, floored by what she just witnessed. Jungkook walks away from the table and waves at Haeju as he approaches her.

"Sorry, had to leave the newsroom," says Jungkook casually.

"Yeah... I know," says Haeju, trying to hold back the resentment she's feeling. "Um, just wanted to let you know that"

"This is it, Haeju!" interrupts Jungkook, his eyes trailing off to the table where Yoongi is sitting. "We need to fight right now!"

"What? But"

Haeju isn't prepared for this, not at all.

"Push me!" insists Jungkook out of the corner of his mouth, and his expression changes.

Haeju thinks of how they almost kissed, how she's been crushing on him for so long, and how Jungkook was shamelessly flirting with a girl he just met. Okay, she can do this.

Haeju pushes Jungkook away from her, and he tries to move closer to her again. "Haeju, make up your mind!" says Jungkook loudly, and Haeju pushes him away one more time.

"Stay away from me!" she snaps back, and the dining hall goes suddenly quiet. All eyes are on them and Haeju's face is hot, but Jungkook's expression is cold and angry as he snorts at her.

"Mary Pure. Saint Haeju!" he says, and people snicker in the background. "I'm so tired of waiting around for you. I'm just going to find a girl who will give me what I want."

Haeju gapes soundlessly at Jungkook, because those words hit close to home. The purity ring in her finger is burning her, and she blinks blankly at Jungkook. His eyes are filled with apologies, but the words coming out of his mouth are bitter and vile. Haeju can't make out most of what he's saying, everything is suddenly muted and she's feeling dazed.

Another male student grabs Jungkook by the sleeve and pulls him away from Haeju.

"I'm done with you!" calls Jungkook.

Haeju looks around and she sees that Yoongi is standing up, his hands grasping the end of the table tightly, and she also sees that Hoseok is holding him back. But Haeju doesn't have time to figure out what this means.

She runs out of the dining hall, embarrassment corroding her, and she knows they've been successful. Yoongi saw them fight, he thinks now that Haeju and Jungkook will never speak to each other again. He doesn't know it was a fake fight.

But right now, Haeju isn't so sure she wants to see Jungkook again.

xxxx

Haeju stares at her desk, not wanting to look up. Her ears are still burning, tears are stabbing her eyes, and her heart hurts. She knows Jungkook didn't mean any of the words he said.

She knows it was all an act.

But it hurts, so much.

Jungkook's words go through her head over and over, like a flowing river carrying nothing but hazardous material, and she tries not to cry. Mary Pure, Saint Haeju, Mary Pure, Saint Haeju.

So maybe that's the reason why Jungkook doesn't want to date her. Her purity ring. Jungkook stopped wearing his years ago, and she still remembers the awkward conversation they had after Haeju first noticed. She looks at the ring in contempt, wanting to rip it off, wanting to destroy it. She reaches for her ring finger and...

"Hey, I'm here! Happy?"

Haeju looks up and sees Yoongi standing there, a guilty look on his face. He takes his seat and glances cautiously at her, and then clears his throat to speak.

"So... he was a jerk," says Yoongi, grinding his teeth.

"Sorry?" asks Haeju hoarsely.

"Jeon... He was a jerk," states Yoongi, and his face is slightly red. "Um, he had no right to talk to you like that... and stuff. Because you know, like... yeah."

Haeju starts laughing at Yoongi's nervousness, and the boy looks affronted as he raises his eyebrows.

"Verbal acuity," mocks Haeju, and Yoongi offers her a derisive smirk. "And for you to point out that he was a jerk, well... He must have really been a jerk."

"Ouch, you just keep going at it," chuckles Yoongi. "But yeah, what an asshole. He must be pissed off at the world because he looks like a scrawny lumberjack."

Haeju can't stop laughing at Yoongi's comments, and her face hurts from smiling. "Why are you being so nice to me?" asks Haeju finally, and Yoongi lowers his eyes a little, making him look, well... very, very attractive.

"You're my English partner," he shrugs. "And although I've been a dick to you, Jeon crossed the line."

Yoongi turns away and fixes his eyes on the blackboard, and Haeju can't help but think that he looks a little vulnerable. Yoongi's lower lip is trembling, and he seems determined not to look at Haeju.

"Thanks," says Haeju quietly as Miss Dawes enters the room.

Miss Dawes starts talking and Haeju looks away, but she can feel the blush creep on her cheeks. What is going on?

"This doesn't mean we're friends, okay?"

Haeju glances at Yoongi, feeling disappointed, but the boy is smirking, and laughter threatens to escape her lips.

xxxx

They both leave the classroom at the same time, walking side by side. Haeju feels a little nervous now that Yoongi seems to like her (well, at least not hate her as much) and gives him a side smile as he looks at her. Yoongi doesn't smile back, he still seems a bit hesitant while talking to her, and she can feel a wall between them. Yoongi seems like he's about to say something, but the guy with the bunny ears walks over to them and narrows his eyes a little when he sees Haeju next to Yoongi.

"Taehyung, this is Baek Haeju" says Yoongi, and Haeju notices a hint of amusement in his voice. "Haeju, this is Kim Tae."

Taehyung purses his lips but then a smile replaces his frown, and he hugs Haeju tightly. Haeju doesn't hug him back, she just stands there in complete shock.

"The Baek Haeju?" he winks, and Yoongi clears his throat. "I mean... I have never heard of you, no. Hey, that dude was totally a jerk to you. Like... totally. The way he talked to you was preposterously ridiculous! He should be lynched!"

"As much as I would enjoy it, I'm afraid that's it's against the law," giggles Haeju.

"Details," says dramatically. "Yoongi, we're going to be late."

"Oh, yeah," says Yoongi nervously. "Um, Haeju, we have to start working on our project. Because you want to get a good grade, not because I care. Just wanted to make that clear. When do you have time?"

Haeju goes through her schedule in her head as Tae starts humming loudly, tapping his toes to a nonexistent beat.

"Tomorrow? I work an early shift but I have no classes, so..." says Haeju, and Tae starts twirling around. Tae's shirt rises up a bit, and Haeju sees a circle tattooed next to her belly button. Another one. Yeah, there's something going on.

"I'll pick you up," says Yoongi, completely oblivious about Tae's quirky behavior.

"You don't even know where I work," says Haeju, and she realizes with horror that she's sort of flirting. Maybe she's just doing it because of what happened with Jungkook. That's all.

"Campus bookstore," shrugs Yoongi. "You know, I do buy books and such, and you've checked me out several times."

Haeju frowns, because she doesn't remember doing that.

"And he has checked you out several times too, if you know what I mean," winks Tae, and Yoongi looks like he's about to pass out from embarrassment. Haeju starts giggling and Yoongi looks simply horrified, but Tae is still dancing around like nothing is going on.

"Okay, we're leaving," says Yoongi, grabbing him by the wrist. "Um... I'll just stop by, okay?"

"Bye, Baek Haeju!" says Tae merrily as Yoongi drags him along with him, and Haeju can hear them bickering as they walk down the hallway. Her phone starts vibrating in her bag, and she knows that it's Jungkook, but right now she doesn't want to deal with him.

The circle tattoos are haunting her, and maybe that secret society does exist after all. Did Yanmi have a tattoo as well? Did they kill her? No, they don't seem like the kind of people who would kill someone... right? She shakes her head, pushing all those thoughts away. She doesn't really care at the moment.

As she walks away she takes in what Tae said, that Yoongi has checked out Haeju in the past. And then she remembers the conversation she had with Yoongi a few days ago, and she realizes that Yoongi has noticed her before. She feels flustered and flattered, but most of all, she feels confused.

Haeju feels suddenly giddy, and it amuses her that the source of her sudden happiness is the boy that she hated just a couple of hours ago.

It takes Haeju a long time to realize that she can't stop smiling.

| masterlist |

#bts #bts au #au #min yoongi #english

[phoenixrisingwoman]

1-102. You should have known I was gonna do this.

This friendship was a mistake.

1) what’s a song you depict with your childhood? any HSM song brings me back to my childhood & also oldies that my parents used to play in the house like stand by me by Ben E. King, unchained melody by the Righteous Brother,….

2) did you have a memorable childhood pet? I think every one of my pets is memorable. one that specificly comes to mind would have to be our Tervuren. We took him in because his owner didn’t take care of him and was planning on ditching him in the middle of the woods. the poor thing got treated like some kind of monster when he only asked for the bare minimum, to get treated with respect and basic kindness. I still remember how easily he trusted us. We were a family of 5 so to have 5 strangers around you all of a sudden and not get defensive and lash out especially after getting treated so badly by humans is one thing but to completely immediately trust us wow. He was such a gentle and sweet dog and it hurts my heart when I think about how he died. He had cancer. Fucking dogs man i know i say this about all dogs but he really was an angel. What a pure soul.

3) have you ever been drunk? yes

4) have you ever tried drugs? i’ve only eaten space cake and that’s it. but i don’t really have any desire to ever try hard drugs.

5) have you ever completely regretted what you’ve said? 99% of the time I regret what I say because I am dumb and say some real embarrassing shit

6) have you ever made someone cry? I hope not, unless they were happy tears!

7) has someone ever made you cry? most likely yeah i’m just very sensitive and take a lot of things to heart.

8) have you ever been in love? if so, describe the moment you knew it. i've never been in love9) which came first the chicken or the egg? The real question is where does a circle begin and where does it end?

10, 11) already answered

12.) have you ever been in love with someone you couldn’t love? read the answer to question 8

13) are you a good cook? i mean i’m not the worst but there’s always room for (a lot of) improvement.

14) already answered

15) what is the last movie you cried during? i can’t remember but hatchiko is a movie that can always make me cry.

16) what are songs you’ve cried to when you first heard them? (if any)

It’s such a long list so i’m going to narrow it down to a few: Skillet - Would It matter, DNA - Lia Maria Johnson, you don’t know - Katelyn Tarver, Adam’s song - Blink 182 , 24 floors - The Maine, Sleepless nights - Faber Drive, Just a little bit of your heart - Ariana Grande & I can’t make you love me/ nick of time - Bon Iver. That’s some real sad shit.

17) do you have a middle name? Nope18) have you been out of your country? yes, I’ve been to Italy, England, Turkey, The Netherlands and Germany & this summer i’m going to Spain.19) are you a chocolate fan or not? I am a huge slut for chocolate always20) how many people have you kissed? only one because I have no game21) already answered22) what is your dream car? don’t have a specific one in mind but a range rover looks nice. as long as my car is big enough to take all my dogs with me to the beach, i’m satisfied.23) what is your lucky/favorite number? don’t have one24) what is your favorite flower? i like water lilies a lot25) books or movies, why? Both. Depends. you can get lost in books and imagine the characters/scenery more and the words just stick with me more when i read them? But movies are also nice if a certain character gets played by a good actor and really brings it all to life.26) have you ever been on a blind date? I’d rather not get murdered on my first date. so to answer this question no.27) has one of your friends ever backstabbed you? yeah in my teenager years 28) have you ever backstabbed one of your friends? don’t really see the point in hurting a friend? If a friend betrays my trust i’ll cut them out of my life immediately and never speak a word to them again nor will i waste any more energy on them or be willing to listen to whatever bullshit excuse they want to try. I’m very loyal and loving but if someone takes advantage of that and betrays my trust then I have no problem with cutting them out of my life and continuining as if we were strangers all along. i can take a lot but i don’t fuck with fake people.29) what thing do you symbolize love with? many things really but that’s because i think love comes in many forms. friendship, hobbies, pets, lovers, family,…i think love is all around us really. a tiger playing with her cub, puppies play fighting a lil too rough with an older dog but the older dog allowing them because they still need to learn their boundaries, strangers pulling funny faces at babies or playing along with a game a kid made up, someone giving up their seat and so on. I think all of these acts symbolize love. Once you stop seeing love as this strictly romantic thing i think it’s easy to find it everywhere you look. no matter how small the gesture.30) do you have neat handwriting? It’s not too bad i think. 31) do you have a friend with benefits? nope32) do you want a friend with benefits? I don’t really think i’m cut out for that type of thing. I mean whenever someone holds the door for me i think about it for like days after so I really am not sure if I could trust myself with seeing it as only a friendship with benefits and nothing more.33.) if you could be anything in the world, what would you be? a siren, a wolf, a forest nymph, harry styles’ next gf haha34) have you ever been blackout drunk? yeah35) have you ever met someone famous? no :(36) how many concerts have you been to? uhh i think 13-ish37) which concerts have you been to? first ones were Justin Bieber (don’t judge), 1d, 5sos, ed sheeran, the script, dua lipa, harry styles, lord huron38) do you have a hidden talent? i can go trough 10 different emotions in the span time of an hour39) what do you do when you’re stressed? shut down, cry, get angry or all of the above.40) do you think money can buy love? money can buy things you love and that make you happy so i guess in that sense you can buy ‘happiness’ & ‘love’, but if we’re talking about real, true, genuine feelings then no that kinda love can’t be bought41) how old would you date? the oldest like 24 but for a sugar daddy i am always willing to make an exception42) have you ever done something illegal?  jaywalking is illegal but most of us have done it at some point so like nothing too illegal43) what is your biggest fear? for my loved ones? that they wil never get all the goodness in life that they truly deserve and that life will treat them like shit and inflict pain upon them that i’ll never be able to undo. for myself? i’m scared i’ll never truly feel like I belong and will never truly feel happy and that once I’m close to dying i’ll be faced with the fact I’ve wasted all my time.44) what is an unusual fear you have? having a doppelganger that’s a real piece of shit and people thinking it's me that has done all that nasty shit to them and me eventually being sentenced for it while the real demon is still out there...yea idk 

45) can you drive? no haha i really need to get my license46) do you believe in supernatural creatures? yes but i’m not sure to what extend but I do believe there are certain things living on this earth unbeknownst to us. 47) do you believe in karma? i think what goes around comes around. or so i truly hope.48) what is one quality you need in your partner? above all my partner needs to be kind. no matter what.49) do looks matter? i’m not going to be a hypocrite and say no because there does need to be a certain level of attraction but it’s not like looks are the most important thing about someone.50) does size matter? which size are we talking about here. but no idc if you truly love someone, you take them as they are. not a single cell in your body would even think about changing anything about them because they already are perfect just the way the are.51) who is the last person you forgave? myself for being so dumb52) what is your favorite ice cream flavor? strawberry and chocolate53) already answered 54) ever been on a plane? obviously55) ever been on a boat? yes56) is there anyone you’ve lost touch with that you wish you hadn’t? yea a highschool friend that i haven’t heard in years.57) are there any friendships you regret? yes, this one58) are there any friendships you wish you could make? yes @harrystyles if you ever wanna hang out hit me up. i am free almost always so we can hang out whenever you are free too. thanks my dude.59) have you ever stayed awake for 24 (+) hours? no60) have you ever walked outside after 12 am? yes61) have you ever seen a sunrise completely through? no but one day I will!62) are you scared of rollercoasters? yeah and i wish i wasn’t. but i always imagine some final destination type of shit when i’m on it so i tend to avoid rollercoasters and such. I’m a paranoid bitch.63) on a scale of 1-10 how stressed are you usually? 664) do you have any plans this weekend? yes 65) do you miss anyone right now? not really66) who do you wish you were talking to right now? the ghost of Christopher McCandless. I’d like to hear his stories and thoughts. he seemed like a very interesting individual.67) already anwered68) who is your favorite superhero? catwoman? idk i don’t really have a fave superhero69) are you dirty minded? me? an angel? of course not.70) what is your favorite song from every decade starting at the 80’s? this question should be illegal. how am i supposed to choose one? there are so many bops.71) how many kids, if any, do you want? at the moment i don’t want kids but if that ever changes 2 would be enough.72) who is your biggest OTP? don’t have one73) what is your favorite food? lasagna & pizza. other than that cake/chocolate/anything cookie or candy related. I have a sweet tooth okay 74) do you want to be married one day? idk I don’t really feel the need to get married but if someone is willing to marry my annoying ass then I’m grabbing that chance with both hands.

75) dogs or cats? both but unfortunately i’ve only owned dogs till now so i’m hoping that will change soon!                                                                   76) already answered77) have you ever seen a shooting star? nope78) if you had the opportunity to go to the moon, would you? No, unless the aliens are there too. then sign me the fuck up79) how many best friends do you have? 380) when was the last time you cried? 2 weeks ago81) have you ever laughed so hard you peed yourself? mind ur own bussiness82) have you ever made anyone laugh so hard they peed? yeah83) if you could travel any where in the world, where would you go? countryside of Ireland, Sweden or Northern Wilderness84) what are 3 words you would use to describe yourself? gentle, dreamer, stupid 85) do you consider yourself a loyal person? yes, very loyal until you give me a reason not to. but even then i won’t badmouth you i’ll just erase your whole existence from my memory.86) what is your favorite season and why? summer bc i need that vitamin D to beat the sad bitch in me. but also autumn because SWEATER WEATHER87) have you ever told anyone you loved them, and didn’t mean it? no, i don't easily say i love you to someone 88) do you know how to play any instruments? no :(89) already answered90) what are you allergic to? pineapple. i might have other allergies i’m unaware off.91) already answered92) if you could be any character from your favorite tv show would you, and if so, who would you be? I’d wanna be Daenerys Targaryen because I want to have dragon friends who will fly me anywhere I wanna go. also talk about an entrance when you arrive with your fucking dragon somewhere.93) if you could be best friends with any celebrity who would it be and why? harry styles, niall horan, BØRNS or Maggie rogers because they seem like fun people to be around that will just brighten your day by being in their company.94) are you outgoing? nope, unless you catch me in those rare energetic moods or if i’m drunk then I do shit even I don’t want to know about.95) have you ever wanted to kiss someone, but weren’t brave enough to? no96) are you a good flirt? probably not because i always say some weird shit and kill the mood haha97) have you ever been turned down, or have you ever turned anyone down? nope98) already answered99) are you superstitious? not really100) are you a good listener? i like to think so101) are you a good kisser? who knows102) would you kiss any of your friends? depends how much money is involved

#i did it bitch i finished it #mama didn't raise a quitter #answered #jindotree

[miki-agrawal]

‘My parents helped me pack lube’: from sex toys to bidets, the lockdown businesses that boomed

Polly Rodriguez of Unbound sex toys company in New York. Photograph: Chris Buck/The Guardian

Originally Published on theguardian.com By Jimi Famurewa On July 11, 2020

While some firms have been devastated as Covid-19 grips the planet, others have seen their sales go off the chart. How have they coped?

For most businesses, the early stages of the coronavirus pandemic were an economic horror story measured in job losses and plummeting sales graphs. But this was not the case for everyone. As lockdown measures were imposed around the globe, certain companies struggled to cope with sudden demand from a confined populace with new, highly specific needs.

So what was it like to be the focus of such frenzied consumer interest? How did they cope with self-isolating staff and faltering supply chains? And what are their hopes now the world is tentatively reopening? Here, five different companies reflect on their accidental boom.

‘We’ve donated product to nurses’

Polly Rodriguez, CEO and co-founder of Unbound, in New York

At the beginning of Covid-19, on 31 March, someone tweeted: “All my strongest soldiers on life support” with a video of all these vibrators charging. She tagged us, and it went viral; I think a million people watched it. Suddenly we had all this traffic. The second surge happened on 15 April, which, it so happens, was the day the US federal government gave a lot of people a cheque to get through the crisis. People had this discretionary income that they were spending on our products.

From then we were at a new normal: sales were up by 150% compared with this time last year. This is usually our slowest time of year, because people are travelling and spending on vacations, but every day we’d wake up and say, “Are the numbers going to go down? Is this the day it ends?” It’s like being on a rollercoaster, thinking, it’s got to stop somewhere. And it honestly hasn’t.

We have a stimulating lubricant that has sold really well – 8,500 units in three months – which is probably down to couples trying to make sex a little more interesting. I moved back to the Midwest to stay with my parents for a while, and my mom, dad and boyfriend had to help me get about 2,000 lubricants into packaging. Vibrators are our bestsellers – particularly Bender, a £55 dual stimulation product; pretty soon we ran out of inventory. We were scrambling to set up remote working systems and paying an exorbitant amount to ship product from China, because so many of the commercial flights we use were grounded.

Morale has been tough. We’re a small startup and it has been hard to hear people on the team say that they miss being in the office and seeing other people. I’ve encouraged staff to take a mental health day when they need it. For me, there was one day when I was working from home, I had no groceries, an investor call in 10 minutes and a new, five-month-old puppy. I ran downstairs to grab some delivered food, the puppy freaked out because he didn’t know where I was, and when I came back up he had sprayed diarrhoea everywhere. I burst into tears.

We made more than $400,000 in April which, traditionally, is our slowest month; there was a wholesale order for $70,000 in a single day. It’s weird to have your business doing well during such a sombre time. But I don’t feel guilty; I feel proud. We’ve donated product to nurses. It’s a remarkable thing, that in such a horrific time people are still giving themselves permission to experience pleasure. I think [sex toy] sales will stay at this level until there is a vaccine. It’s going to take a while before normal human behaviour – and the option to have sex with someone you don’t know that well – returns. Humans are sexual by nature. That’s not going to change.

Miki Agrawal and Jason Ojalvo of Tushy, with one of their bidet attachments (just seen in blue). Photograph: Chris Buck/The Guardian

‘Bidets used to scare people. Suddenly it was like we were on a rocket ship’

Miki Agrawal, founder, and Jason Ojalvo, CEO of Tushy, a bidet attachment company based in New York

JO In early March, we started to see a little uptick in sales and my first instinct was that [because of the virus] everyone wanted to be more hygienic, and that a bidet would give them that. We ship internationally, and the Tushy Classic – our bestselling bidet attachment – costs $79 and takes 10 minutes to install [it fits under the seat and is attached to the cistern with a hose]. Then the viral videos of people fighting over toilet paper came out. On 9 March, we did twice what we’d normally sell; the next day it was three times; the day after that it was maybe 20 times, and we had a million dollar sales day when we sold more than 10,000 bidets.

We had a team night out – we call it Forced Fun – and it was this last hurrah, where everyone was on edge and weirded out in this empty bar. The early challenge was production capacity, which we managed to up by about six times. A big part of that was convincing our factories in Asia that it wasn’t just one crazy day, or one crazy week. In April, we changed our revenue target for the year, from $20m to $50m. We also had to hire a dozen new people.

We also sell bamboo butt towels, for people who want to stop buying toilet paper and pat dry. A new, two-month shipment sold out in two or three days. So people are going zero waste and to the next level. I don’t think people will go back now they have discovered bidets, because it’s a game changer – it’s like being given an iPhone and then having to go back to using a rotary dial.

MA It’s a weird product that scares some people. A lot of the negative connotations come from the fact that US soldiers in the second world war associated bidets with the French brothels they visited, so they came back to puritanical America and shunned them. We fully launched Tushy in 2016; the last four years have been about getting people to go against generational attachment to toilet paper and say, “OK, I’ll wash my butt.” We’ve been using humour and a ton of education to lead them towards that cliff edge. So the whole coronavirus thing was just like everyone jumping off at once.

I was in California on sabbatical when everything exploded. I remember FaceTiming the team and everyone was like, this is fun. But after a few days, we were trying to forecast how much stock we needed – and we just couldn’t; I felt the pressure and sadness of the world. It was like we were on a rocket ship, so after a few weeks of the insanity I decided to come back to New York.

If we hit the $50m target, the team will earn a double bonus. Down the road, we’re planning a heated bidet seat. Even though the toilet paper shortage has passed, things are not going back. That part of our body has been neglected and deemed taboo for societal reasons for so long. What we’re saying is, clean it properly, respect it and honour it.

Paul Bodger, managing director of Origin Fitness. Photograph: Robert Ormerod/The Guardian

‘Two refurbished rowing machines sold in the 60 seconds it took to put them online’

Paul Bodger, MD of Origin Fitness, an exercise equipment company in Edinburgh 

A lot of our products are manufactured in China and Taiwan, so we started hearing about factories shutting in January, and that home fitness sales were taking off in Asia. But in early March, our website went bananas. Online sales jumped 1,900%; revenue from those jumped 2,300%, an increase of more than £1m. We were getting a million page views a day and our website, which isn’t built for that traffic, kept crashing. We put a couple of refurbished rowing machines on the site one day and in the 60 seconds it took our web manager to add them, they were sold.

On 17 March, we stopped accepting new orders online, and did the same for two weeks in April. It took the heat and emotion out of the situation. We don’t specialise in retail – about 98% of our business is commercial sales to gyms and other organisations. So I had to furlough most of the staff; when gyms do reopen, the market is going to be slow. Before we ran out of stock, the e-commerce was a lifeline. And I, with other senior management, have been working dispatch, driving forklifts and packing 100kg weights. It’s tough work, but has helped me understand the business again.

Our product range covers everything from £8 dumbbells to exercise bikes costing £5,000; a lot is high-end and not designed for home use. Equipment for online or app-based circuit training – medicine balls especially – exploded. Olympic bars ran out; I thought that would mean the plates that go with them would stop selling, but they didn’t. I imagine there are a lot of people out there lifting our weights with broom handles.

For a lot of customers, it was almost like we were sending their medicine. They would tell us we were helping not just their physical health but their mental health. A good home gym will set you back £10,000, but we had people spending twice that. I keep thinking, are people going to keep this stuff, or is eBay going to be flooded with it? I hope they will keep hold of it, because they won’t want to get caught out again.

Lincoln Romain (far right) and Georgina Taylor (on counter) with the team at Brixton Cycles. Photograph: David Yeo/The Guardian

‘People can’t believe you’ve transformed their bike from a garden ornament into something useful’

Lincoln Romain and Georgina Taylor, workers at Brixton Cycles, a staff-owned bike shop in London

LR I’ve been here 30 years. When the pandemic started, I remember thinking that if we had to shut for three months, I didn’t know how we would survive. We’re a non-profit organisation and it’s hand-to-mouth.

Then after Boris Johnson’s announcement about the lockdown [on 23 March], we found out bike shops were an essential business. People started turning up with bikes for repair, left, right and centre. You couldn’t move in the shop for bikes. One morning in April, we sold six in 30 minutes. They were shotgun sales, where people just wanted to ride out on something.

Very quickly we had to bring in social distancing, allowing only four people in the shop at a time. I had one guy approach me, so I put my hand out to get him to stay back, and he was offended. I was like, “Wow. There’s so much going on, people are dying, and people of colour like me are high risk. But you’re getting your nose slightly twisted because you didn’t want me to put my hand up?” On the whole, though, people have been good. More people are cycling, and I’m seeing local families out on bikes with their kids. I like that.

For many people, buying a new bike is not an option. So when you can revive a rusty old thing by giving it new cables and tyres, and oiling up the chain, their eyes light up. They can’t believe you’ve transformed this garden ornament into something useful.

GT It started with fixing zombie bikes: things that had been pulled from gardens and still had snails living on them. Now, a lot of new bikes in Europe and the UK seem to have sold out, so it’s incredibly frustrating – if our suppliers had more bikes, we’d be selling them. You develop a skill for letting people down gently. Every day people would call and ask for the same thing – a hybrid bike that costs around £400 – and I could hear in their voices that they had already phoned around 20 shops and were distraught.

All the money we’ve made has gone into future-proofing the co-op rather than on bonuses or pay rises, because you never know what’s round the corner. Even though we wish it was under different circumstances, it has been important for us to be open and help so many people. We pushed NHS staff up the queue, and we gave a second-hand bike to a psychiatrist who offered us free group therapy as part payment. I said I’d have to talk to the other co-op members, but maybe after this, it might be quite good.

I’m a cynic, and think maybe only 20% of people will stick with cycling. But those of us who rode a bike during lockdown all saw what a pleasant place the city could be with cleaner air and fewer cars on the road. I don’t like the idea of going back to how things were. The world has got a chance to make things a lot nicer – and riding bicycles can be a big part of that.

Jamie Stanford of Liberty Games. Photograph: David Yeo/The Guardian

‘A pool table isn’t a miracle product, but it brings families together’

Jamie Stanford, managing director of Liberty Games, a game table retailer in Epsom, Surrey

Our business started with renting coin-operated equipment to pubs and clubs 20 years ago. But, of course, the pool machine in a pub has been replaced by a dining table now. What we’ve found is that people want to replicate the experience at home, with air hockey, football tables and table tennis sets that start at under £100 and top out at £50,000.

In early March, people started asking, “Can you deliver before lockdown?” When the announcement came, people piled in. Demand was spiking at around four times the average level. A normal March might mean 80 transactions each day – we were selling more than 400 in a 24-hour period. We didn’t run out of stock immediately. I’d love to say that was because I’d been some wizard and predicted it; really, it was because after Christmas you have leftover stock. But then that got depleted, and, working from home, we were a company with one hand tied behind our backs.

I can picture a moment about two weeks into lockdown when I got back from the office at about 7pm, and looked at the sales graph. I refreshed and it jumped up by the equivalent of a week’s sales in one day. I had dinner, thought about how we’d manage that volume. Then I refreshed it again, and another week’s worth of sales had happened in an hour. That was overwhelming. But our delivery companies were set up to deal with seasonal changes in demand, so took on extra staff and vans. My staff were clocking overtime; our more experienced suppliers ringfenced stock; and I was driving sackloads of pool cue chalk to the post office. It was seven days a week, but we muddled through. There was a slightly guilty, awkward feeling to it, when things are so desperate for other businesses. But this stuff does give people a bit of a lift.

One lady who bought a table tennis top said, “This is the first time I’ve seen a smile on my teenager’s face in three years.” Most of us are introduced to games tables on holiday. They are not a miracle product, but they bring families together. If you’ve got a kid playing Xbox all day and not interacting with his dad or his mum, and a pool table turns up, the family has a communal, enjoyable game that they can try to master.

When restrictions started to ease on 13 May, we thought, OK, that’s it, things will settle down. But we still had the same level of demand. I think this [crisis] is changing the psychology of a lot of people. Going to a restaurant, you’ll just become hypersensitive to every cough, every droplet in the air. It will probably take as long as lockdown lasted for these attitudes to wear off. I’m sure the desire to buy a pool table or a football table will eventually wane. But this has surprised me every single day. So I’m done making predictions.

[iwanttobeyourwonderwoman]

I am not done, changing.

Things I have learnt and come to accept just before turning 25.

1. Growing up means learning to let go.

Learning to let go of insignificant little things that have happened in the past, of all the pettiness you tend to feel about every little thing, and even certain people who don’t prove right for you.

Things that happened in the past need to stay in the past in order for you to fully move on to be better. People too come and go and the ones who want to stay will stay. You don’t have to lock the door tight every time you feel you need someone to stay in your life. That will only make them want to break free even more. Close the door when you know you’ve got the right people with you, but let them leave if they need to. There’s nothing wrong with leaving them a key, because those who stay true might just need a little time to leave before grabbing that key right back and coming back. And if they don’t choose to return, that’s fine too. You can’t make that decision for them no matter how much you wish you could. 

2. Stop worrying so much about what others think of you. 

Because that’s all you’ve been doing all these years. You worry what people will say behind your back or what impressions they have of you because it hurts to see someone have the wrong idea about you. You don’t have to be perfect in everyone’s eyes. You just have to be yourself. 

3. Be brave. Make decisions and be sure about them. Even if it's simple things like what to cook, making plans or deciding what to do with your future. Make a decision and don't be afraid. You've had enough of being afraid all these years so it's time to stop and be brave. Yes you can take your time to think the bigger decisions through but be logical. Don't be afraid to speak up about things that affect you. You are not going to get anywhere if you continue to suppress your feelings because you're afraid of what might happen. Sometimes you are not the one at fault. So speak up if needed, help yourself to be better and stronger. Nobody is going to help you anymore. It's time to fight your own battles, even though it may seem that nobody listens or takes you seriously. Switch that all around. Make them take you seriously. You are no longer going to be a pushover.

4. You are not selfish for learning to put yourself first. 

Take care of yourself. Take care of your body, your health, your mind and everything that you are. One of the keys to getting on is to give yourself some priority too. Stop putting everyone up on such high pedestals as you have been doing for so long. It's good to give others importance but amongst all that, don't forget yourself. You, my dear ray of sunshine, you are important too.

5. It's okay to say no sometimes.

All these years, you've been taught that it's rude to say no, to not help, to not be available. The time to break this mindset is now. But of course, be reasonable, to both the other person and to yourself. If you need a break or if you really can't commit, just decline and don't let yourself feel too bad about it. It's hanging on to these small trivial matters that drive you crazy and hold you back. Say no if you need to protect yourself. Don't let yourself get bullied because you're afraid of confrontation or speaking up. Like I said, you matter too.

6. You do not need a man Validate you. 

People come and go. Friends come and go. Men who act like boys come and go. You do not need to wait around like a damsel in distress for some guy to come save you. Learn to save yourself. Yes, there's such an appeal to having a man by your side to make everything better. You've been through that stage. And like Britney says, "my loneliness is killing me". But this is how you learn to be ok with yourself. You need to first accept yourself before you expect anyone to accept you. As you get older and meet different guys along the way, don't get too blinded by what they seem to offer because there's more than likely to be a hundred little things that they don't speak of, well because they're men... It's as simple as that. Don't be too naive, you are no longer that young girl drifting through life. And you sure as hell don't need a man to dictate anything for you. 

7. Stop bringing yourself down. 

All the self doubt and self hatred you've manifested over the years has to go. You built your own demons and you need to be the one to fight them off. Get ready your suit and Armour because you can't do this  to yourself anymore. Let your confidence come through and stop hiding behind the walls you’ve built for yourself. 

8. There’s no age limit to achieve certain things

Some get married at 25, some are still single and unapologetic at 30. And that’s fine. There’s no time limit for success. Do you what you need to do for you, whenever you need to. Do not feel pressured just because other people seem to have their life figured out and there you are, not on par with them. It’s ok. This isn’t a race. This isn’t primary school. You don’t have to be the top, you don’t have to feel competitive about these things. Your time will come.  Things happen at a specific time for a reason, and if they don’t happen then it’s not meant to be, so be patient, continue with your life and wait your turn because good things will come your way eventually. 

9. Make some changes to your life.

Start small.  Be not afraid of the necessity of change. 

10. Things will get better, eventually.

Oh fragile heart, you will heal. Your wounds will close, your mind will settle, your heart will beat again. Things have been a rollercoaster ride, but every step forward is a little victory in itself. Let time heal you. And let go of all the little things you grasp so tight on to. You will get through whatever hurt, betrayal, pain (Physical, emotional and mental) that you may feel. Your light will shine again. It will be ok.

It’s a hard pill to swallow when one of your biggest flaws is caring too much. Caring about what people think of you, about every little step you take that might be wrong, about anything and everything. Take a deep breath and let go.  Embrace whatever comes and don’t let yourself fall into the pit again anytime soon. Start 25 with a clean slate. You deserve to have a good life.  And you are the only one responsible for making your own life good.  Remember that. 

#gituuuu

[mtvswatches]

Jane the Virgin 1x13 Chapter Thirteen

Spoilers disclaimer (please read before sending messages or writing comments.)

Click here for previous recaps!

Stray thoughts

1) “And we officially find out the sex.” Unfortunately, this is one of the very few things I already know – she will be having a baby boy. I still think it’s going to be very interesting to see how the news of a baby boy is received in an all-female house. I’m positive Jane will want a baby girl.

2) Thank you, narrator, for reading my mind.

It should be noted that Petra should absolutely not trust Lachlan.

3) Rose/Sin Rostro is masterfully using her role as the oblivious widow to gather information from Michael and Nadine. At least she’s trying to defend Rafael by claiming that neither of them knew about “Emilio’s” criminal activities…

I wonder if now that we know she’s Sin Rostro we’ll see her in action or if most of her deeds will continue to be unbeknownst to us.

4) So… since he got the sack, Rogelio has been eating sandwiches and surfing the Internet. That’s exactly what I did while I was unemployed, so kudos to you, Rogelio.

5) Yes, Jane wants to have a baby girl. 

6) Oh, shit. This totally got me.

DOCTOR: This bright spot on the baby's heart is called an echogenic focus. And there's another one on the bowel. Now, I know that probably sounds scary. But let me be clear, by itself, this has no effect on the baby's health or the heart.

RAFAEL: So what's the problem with it?

DOCTOR: Well, at the moment, there is no problem. But an echogenic focus can be a marker for possible chromosomal abnormalities in the fetus. But like I said, it could also be nothing, a normal variant.

RAFAEL: And you can't tell which it is, whether it's nothing or something?

DOCTOR: Uh, not from an ultrasound, no.

RAFAEL: Jane?

JANE: Sorry. How do we find out then?

DOCTOR: We can do an amniocentesis. It's a relatively common procedure where we remove and test fetal cells. After the procedure, we'll put you on bed rest for 48 hours. And after the risk has passed, you're back to your life.

JANE: What's the risk?

DOCTOR: Miscarriage. Statistically, it occurs in about one in 300 of these procedures.

I’m guessing she won’t care whether it’s a boy or a girl after this. I also wonder if this will be another test for how strong their relationship is.

7) I knew it, Alba vieja zorra! I love it!

8) YES, YOU CAN.

9) Rogelio is kind of delusional about his status as a star and he is a total diva, so I’m kind of looking forward to seeing him get a reality check.

10) Aww, Rafael…

Gah, this kind of broke me? I’m an emotional mess right now, everything brings me to tears because I’m on my period. TMI? Sorry.

11) Woof, that whole conversation about the test and the baby among Jane, Alba, and Xiomara was some heavy shit. I really wasn’t expecting the show to get so serious so soon? They even brought up the possibility of having an abortion. And now, I’m kind of hoping she has a baby with special needs because I’m trying to think of other shows that have gone there and I’m going blank? And with so much talk about representation, that’s a minority that hardly ever is given any representation at all. They are never represented as… people, with struggles and feelings and wants and needs just like everyone else. Is it bad that I want this?

12) Milos really can’t take no for an answer, and I’m guessing all the anger management stuff is not going to hold him back for too long.

13) DON’T, JANE!

Brb, I can’t type because of aLL THE FUCKING TEARS. I think it wasn’t a good idea to watch this episode while I’m on my period. TMI? Sorry.

This is messing me up so much.

14) Oh, wow – I’m still crying btw – I know I haven’t been #teamrafael, but…

I think what he did here was absolutely wonderful. He’s freaking out as much as Jane is, he’s also haunted by all the what-ifs and he’s confused and uncertain and terrified. Yet, he doesn’t let it show. He understands precisely what Jane needs from him right now, and he fucking delivers. He’s supportive, sweet, understanding, and reassuring. And bless him for it because he’s also comforted me.

(Don’t get me wrong, I still think there’s not much substance to their relationship, but I truly appreciate the way he acted here.)

15) This kind of reminded me of Captain Holt for some reason?

This type of unexpected meltdown in front of an unwilling audience, you know?

16) Graduation ceremonies are overrated, so it shouldn’t even be a question what she should do.

17) How could Sin Rostro not know that Emilio was cheating on her?

18) She’s been wearing a wig this whole time? What for? Does the wig work like Superman’s glasses? In an “inexplicably completely make people believe this a whole different person” kind of way?

19) What is Rafael’s plan about? I have no idea, but Xiomara seems to be super sure Jane is not going to love it, and I trust her completely.

20) What a surprise, the conversation between Xiomara and Alba also got me. Alba is an old-fashioned, traditional kind of woman, so it’s understandable that she made the choice to “honor” her husband’s memory by not finding a new partner. But in spite of her traditional ways, she’s also refreshingly open-minded, especially when it comes to listening to Jane’s and Xiomara’s advice. Despite being so different, Xiomara and Alba truly respect each other and value each other’s opinion, so I think Xiomara said exactly what Alba needed to hear.

21) Jane is worried she made a mistake by having the test done, but I agree with Rafael – there really was no right or wrong decision here, it all sucked. So all they were left with was choosing what sucked less, whatever gave them as much peace of mind as possible. Jane also asks Rafael whether he would forgive her if anything went wrong, but the big question is, would Jane forgive herself? I don’t think so.

22) So, Sin Rostro is not so clever after all… she slipped up by assuring the detectives she 100% thought Emilio was at his office the night of the murder, but now Emilio’s girlfriend told them Emilio called Rose and told her he was at the boat. Can Michael really figure it all out so quickly?

23) He fucking did. I’m impressed.

24) Okay, Rafael’s plan was indeed cheesy/sweet…

25) Yep, the tears keep on coming…

Xiomara and Jane have a wonderful relationship.

26) Oh, this was savage…

LACHLAN: Yes, so here's the thing. You're not coming.

PETRA: What?

LACHLAN: You never were. And I want you out of the hotel. Good news you're already packed.

PETRA: I don't understand.

LACHLAN: Really? Because I warned you. (flashback: Karma's a bitch.) And then you screwed me over again. Are you surprised that you could be outmaneuvered? PETRA: No. I'm surprised you could be this awful.

Gotta admire his commitment to revenge, though.

27) So Rafael and Jane have decided not to find out the baby’s sex but Jane is still holding on to the fantasy that it’s a girl. That’s going to cause problems.

28) Fucking Milos bought part of the hotel? So he’s sticking around? Color me fucking surprised! He bought it for Petra? They’ll be partners?

29) rogELIO CANNOT LEAVE. I WON’T FUCKING ALLOW IT. He’s going to be forced to choose between staying with his newfound family or his career right? And he’s going to choose the former right? RIGHT?!

30) WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!

Zazo is still alive?!!! HOW????? And why are he and Rafael all buddy-buddy?? OH WAIT! IT’S HIS BROTHER ISN’T IT????!!! PETRA AND RAFAEL MENTIONED HIM ONCE!!! IT COULD BE HIS TWIN BROTHER!! I DON’T KNOW WHY I’M SHOUTING!! Sorry.

31) Well, this episode was a rollercoaster. I don’t know if it’s a well-regarded episode or not, or if it was because I’m on my period (TMI? Sorry.) but it definitely made me feel lots of things! Now I can’t wait to figure out if I’m right about Zazo/Zazo’s brother!

32) Hope you enjoyed my recap, and, as usual, if you’ve got this far, thank you for reading! If you enjoy my recaps and my blog, please consider supporting it on ko-fi.Thanks!

#Jane the Virgin #Jane Villanueva #Gina Rodriguez #Rogelio De La Vega #Rafael Solano #JTV recap #JTV 1x13 #mine #MTVSwatches

[decample-blog]

Beast Nodes

After a break that was supposed to be 6 weeks and lasted almost 9 months, my cancer has returned. Before I get into details, I need to back up and discuss some definitions.

I realize I’ve gone full Voldemort and never actually spoken my cancer’s name on here. Nicknames, sure, but it’s time to get technical. Because now, after 15 months, I’m finally able to spell it right.

My cancer is called Intrahepatic Cholagiocarcinoma. I’m down with ICC. As previously mentioned, it originated in my bile ducts and took up residence in my liver. I have cancer in my liver, so there’s no problem saying that it’s liver cancer. But since it actually started its nasty birth mutations in my bile ducts, it’s not Liver Cancer. This is a level of distinctions generally saved for the doctors, researchers, and people that fuss over language for fun (all great groups of people, by the way), but it helps in explaining the new developments.

ICC has now spawned eight tiny tumors in lymph nodes near my liver and elsewhere in my abdomen. This is cancer spreading. This is not happy news. But it is also not a new cancer. I don’t now have Liver Cancer and Lymphoma. It’s the same cancer, the action has just moved slightly south. It has traded the big house in Liverton for smaller bungalows throughout Abdoeman (pronounced like Imboden).

The three tumors in my liver? Still there. But they’ve stopped progressing again. The small amount of re-growth we saw in the spring has ceased for now. So we keep an eye on them, but the main action in Season 2 has shifted locales.

The 8 new tumors are very small, all of them less than 20mm in mass. All 8 combined are smaller than the Death Star in my liver. But small is still dangerous, as anyone who has ever angered a chihuahua can tell you. So, back to chemo next week! Or so I thought…

The morning consisted of getting the new diagnosis and coping with that. Then, in the afternoon, I got a call back from a cancer alliance about a new clinical trial. As luck would have it, I might well qualify for this trial if my next shot at chemo doesn’t slow the new progression. So, back to chemo next week! Then, if that doesn’t work, new science! Or so I thought…

Less than 30 minutes after that call, my oncologist calls. She just got off the phone with the same people, and after more fully explaining my situation, they realized that I might well qualify for this new clinical trial immediately. Nothing is certain yet, however, so right now, at least for a few days, we wait. And there’s our cliffhanger. Tuesday was a rollercoaster of emotions. Or a glass case.

Last year, I started this blog while getting ready for my first round of chemo, having no idea what the treatment would be like or how my body would react. This time, I know much more about the treatment and how my body would likely react. But now that may or may not even be the treatment. I won’t say much about the clinical trial until I know more, and even then, there’s always a Secret Squirrel component to them. Count on more frequent updates in the coming weeks, even if some of them are vague at times.

I was ready for this to be a boring entry in which I would get to talk a lot about the solar eclipse. It was not boring. So, in short, the eclipse was amazing. Saw it in totality in rural Missouri. Here’s one spoiler, the potential cutting-edge case study will not occur in rural Missouri.

Our song is one that’s been bouncing around my head for a few months. Like a lot of 20-something acts, they’ve got a song pondering about the passage of time and life. This one just happens to be very catchy. Enjoy it, as I know that while you all care about my updates, some may actually be more excited to get new music. Either way, stay tuned.

#liver #lymph nodes #beastmode #laughteristhebestmedicine #UAMS #judah and the lion #clinical trials #total eclipse #glass case of emotion