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zabrak-show · 4 years

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Bubble Bath | Maul x Reader

Summary: Setting Sundari Palace and reader (gender neutral) is an intelligence officer for Maul’s Mandalorian army.

Word count: 2.1k (god sorry I didn’t think it would be that long)

Warnings: some angst between reader and maul as well as obimaul angst. otherwise it’s just plain dumb and silly, oh and a couple curse words

A/n: This is about the silliest thing I’ve written in quite some time hoo boy. I hope someone else finds it funny or at the very least entertaining. I laughed writing it but I am a dork so idk. This was a request from @jabean21 to have the reader walk in on Maul taking a bubble bath as a comedy. Idk about Maul’s robot legs in the bath ok, just don’t think about it too much I guess.

The crisp nighttime air seeped into the Sundari Royal Palace and brought with it a calming energy to all who were exposed to its delicate embrace. You were walking along the gardens of the palace, one of your favorite places to just meander and quiet your mind from the day’s stresses. The stresses of being an intelligence officer for Lord Maul’s Mandalorian army were many, but you handled it with the grace of a Toydarian haggling with a Jedi. Ok you were not handling it so well, but you were handling it. You had not cracked under the pressure yet and you were still able to complete each task at hand.

Lord Maul, was, to put it lightly, not a fun boss. There was no employee appreciation week with a picture of whoever got employee of the week plastered in the break room for all to see. Oh of course, Maul had tried this early on, but he only ever awarded the damn thing to himself. Each week holding a fake ceremony that everyone was required to attend as he presented a new award to himself. Each award was more lavish than the last. The breaking point was when he attempted to award himself the prized ship of one of the Mandalorian commanders. A fire fight ensued, and thank the maker, was short lived. Maul, ultimately decided it wasn’t worth it to lose his army over a ship that he didn’t even really want, but had run out of ideas for things with which to award himself.

Lord Maul, would get incredibly irritable seemingly for no reason. One morning you had rushed to his side beaming with excitement as you had hacked into a Jedi holo conference. Surely, this would be great news that we had intel on what their next move was. Somehow, Maul grew increasingly irritated and violent with you as you tried to explain what you found out.

“What about Kenobi? What was his part in their plan?” He spat at you inches from your face

“Kenobi? My lord, I do not know who all the Jedi were. I was merely listening for their next move.” You nervously explained, realizing your good news was not so good being that it was incomplete.

“You did not hear the name Kenobi then?” He pressed into your body in a show of dominance, but you stood tall in your armor, unwavering against the ruby red Zabrak decorated with geometric obsidian tattoos. His teeth bared as he snarled out the words. You racked your brain trying to remember if the name Kenobi ever came up during your eavesdropping of the Jedi.

“Hmm kenobi...kenobi…” you whispered to yourself quietly in the hopes that saying the name aloud would spark a memory. Did he want you to say yes, Kenobi was involved? Or would that make him angrier?

“Yes, Kenobi. KENOBIIIII” He yelled the final Kenobi with a stupendous gusto knocking you back a bit all the while he stared off into the distance with a longing in his golden eyes you had never seen the Zabrak show before. You looked behind you to see where he was looking at seemingly nothing and slowly back at him again.

“Are...are..are you wanting to see Kenobi? Because it sounds like you want to see Kenobi.” you genuinely asked the now pensive Maul. A smirk slowly formed, the one side of his lip curving up.

“Yes, at last I will reveal myself to Kenobi. At last I will have my revenge.” he said in his hauntingly smooth and theatrical voice while a full menacing smile contorted his already striking features.

“I, um, actually don’t know that Kenobi is involved in this, my lord. I can find out, i mean I WILL find out.” you bowed out of the room as Maul stood still staring off into the distance dreaming of his apparent long lost lover.

You had no idea he was in love with anyone he always seemed way too selfish, and a Jedi at that?! It was a bit of a shock to say the least. You and him had been casual lovers at one point, but it all kind of fizzled out. His temper was too much for you and you had wanted more than he could offer. You once got really drunk at a celebration feast and referred to him as your boyfriend to more than a few people. Maul had wanted to keep your affair a secret and you blew it. The embarrassment of that night still stung. It stung worse that he had not wanted to publicly be tied to you in any way. He had been gentle about letting you down, trying to say it was for your safety, that his enemies would try to attack you. “Oh sure, that makes sense,” you had agreed not wanting to show how it felt like your heart had just shattered into a million pieces of clari-crystalline.

Fast forward to tonight, the reason for your great stress was that the Jedi were on their way to Mandalore and you still had no idea if Kenobi was actually with them or not. After you hacked their communication the first time, they must have caught wind and secured their lines better. Maul had been pacing around the throne room all day trying to get everyone ready for an attack. You honestly felt for him, to have someone you love so dearly end up being your sworn enemy. No wonder he was so grumpy all the time. You certainly understood the heartache even if it was a different circumstance for both of you.

You made your way back from the palace gardens into the throne room where Maul was causing a fuss with the servants about the decor it seemed.

“What? What are these?! This is not the way of your people. To act like we live in the gutters?! Take these all away!!” he huffed as he thrust the pile of tapestries into the hands of a servant.

“Lord Maul, I am at your service.” you spoke confidently as you dutifully walked up to him. He turned to look at you and relief washed over his rigid frame relaxing himself a tiny bit.

“Ah, (y/n). A sight for sore eyes. Tell me how much time do we have until the Jedi arrive?” he raised a tattooed eyebrow in concern as he asked you.

“By my calculations they will be here in five hours.” you answered him with ease, that was something you at least felt confident in from your spying.

“Excellent. I will meet you in your office in one hour to discuss my plan for you. Don’t be late.” he extended a tattooed finger to point at you as he made his demands. You’d be lying if you said he didn’t still make your heart stop and butterflies swirl in your stomach.

“I will be there waiting, my Lord.” you turned in a rush to walk away, not wanting him to see your flushed cheeks. Right behind you, one of the servants was carrying a bucket of mop water and you knocked right into them, their small frame no comparison for yours covered in armor and they tumbled backwards and then overcorrected forward practically throwing the dirty mop water onto Maul. In an instant Maul, now soaked, held his hand out and started force choking the servant lifting them from the ground, their hands clawing at their throat and flailing their legs.

“Maul, No!” you yelled without thinking jumping out at him to pull his arm down.

“It was my fault. I ran into them.” you tried to reason with him as you gently pulled his arm down. He snarled and looked at the servant now fallen into a pathetic slump onto the floor.

“Get out of my sight.” he hissed and the servant picked up the bucket and ran off down the hall. Maul looked down at the mess of himself and growled,

“These were my finest robes. Now what am I to do?”

“Lord Maul, all your robes look fine on you. Go get yourself cleaned up, I’ll see to it that everything gets done in here and we can still meet in an hour.” you put your arm on his back and tenderly led him out of the room as you reassured him.

“Very well. Make certain it is spotless in here. I can’t have it look like I’m running a crime syndicate in a garbage dump here. Next they will be comparing my aesthetics to the Hutts. I loathe at the very thought.’ His fist clenched up as he grimaced and walked out of the throne room. You walked back to the spilled mop water and helped the servants clean. It was not above you to help the staff out especially when you knew something was partially your fault.

If anyone should get employee of the week, it’s me, you amused yourself with the thought. What would you gift yourself? You day dreamed about dark sabers, new beskar armor, or a new ship, maybe just a really nice house somewhere far away. The throne room was now spotless and you came to your senses realizing you had been here for quite some time. You were to meet with Maul in less than 10 minutes.

You hurried out of the throne room, down the hall to your office. Technically you had plenty of time to get there, but you liked to be ready for Maul and had also wanted to tidy things up for your neat freak boss. You made your way down a corridor, your pace somewhere between a soft jog and speed walking, when you heard Maul’s voice nearby. You stopped to listen and although he was using his usual serious and dominating tone, there was something off about it.

“I’m not sure I’ve made your acquaintance.” a strange voice rang out, muffled by the door.

Who was in there with him? you thought with a slight panic.

“I’m surprised you could have forgotten me so easily, after I killed your master and you left me for dead on Naboo.” Maul’s voice was strained each word spitting out of him as a separate unit from the coherent thought. Your panic began to rise as you could hear the two voices back and forth. Finally the stranger belted out,

“I’ve defeated you before and I can defeat you again!” the sounds of a light saber igniting and you didn’t have to think about barging in, it was now or never. You practically tore the door down in your rush to Maul’s aid, blaster out and ready to fire.

What you saw was more shocking than anything for which you could have prepared yourself. Maul was almost fully immersed in a bubble bath. Bubbles were spilling out onto the floor and all around him. He had fashioned a crew cut and beard out of bubbles around his dark red face, horns barely protruding out of the bubbles, and his bright yellow eyes widened in horror at seeing you in his refresher. Your jaw might as well have been on the floor, but you couldn’t even be bothered to think about what you were doing, what was Maul doing? He was holding two small figurines one of which looked eerily similar to himself, the other wearing a tan robe and small beard. They were actually remarkable looking figures, but why?

“Maul, my..I heard voices and a light saber, I thought you were…a tiny figurine, what are you holding?” you couldn’t even form a coherent thought, words spilling out of you with no direction.

“Nothing. It’s nothing.” He threw the figurines across the floor and crossed his arms looking straight ahead avoiding your judgmental stare. Finally you picked your jaw up off the ground and reached down to pick up one of the figurines. It was the tan one with a crude little beard holding a miniature light saber.

“I um, I am relieved you are ok. I’m terribly sorry I burst in on you like this. I get so worried about you sometimes.” you admitted plainly. If there was a time to bare it all, now was it. Even if it wasn’t reciprocated, maybe it would help ease his own embarrassment. Maul was silent and you panicked trying to replace the tension in the air with just about anything else.

“Hey you know, this little guy looks a lot like one of those Jedis I was spying on a little while ago.” you turned the figure over in your hands studying it. At once Maul jumped out of the bathtub, water and bubbles flying everywhere,

“KENOOOOBBBBIIIIIIIIII”

Epilogue:

“Hey did you really mean it when you said I look good in all my robes?” Maul leaned over to ask you later that night, after you all had chased the Jedi out of Mandalore.

“Maul. all your robes are identical.”

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

thanks for reading xoxo

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spnfanficpond · 4 years

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June 2020 Angel Fish Awards

(New Angel Fish design by @slytherkins!!)

Every month all of you fantastic writers work your asses off to post some truly incredible stories. Our Angel Fish Awards are the way for all of us, as a community of writers and readers, to lift each other up and give praise to those who have captured our attention and deserve a few kind words.

The monthly Angel Fish Awards are peer-nominated, meaning ANYONE IN THE POND CAN NOMINATE ANY POND MEMBER’S FIC. While the Pond was founded to support the Guppies, everyone in this community deserves to be showered with love and feedback, and we hope that by opening this up as a Pond wide system, we’ll be able to share the love as far as it can go.

NOTE: WE’VE BEEN HAVING OCCASIONAL PROBLEMS WITH ASKS GOING MISSING. Please use the Submit button when submitting your nominations and make sure you’re signed into Tumblr or your URL won’t show. (If the form asks for your name and email address, then you’re not signed in.) If you like, you can also send a message to Michelle @mrswhozeewhatsis or Mana @manawhaat to check and make sure we got your submission.

Be sure to read through this whole post as people who were nominated more than once only had one tag activated for tumblr tagging purposes!

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, HERE ARE JUNE’S ANGEL FISH AWARDS!

Nonimated by @thegirlwhorunswithwinchesters

I Thought You Were Going To Die (oneshot) by @fun-and-fandoms

My nominations for the month wouldn’t be complete without a little bit of angst. Though this one isn’t just that. If you’re easily triggered by mentions of depression and its symptoms, this one’s not for you. But it’s an important topic and I will always encourage any creator who uses their art to remind people it’s okay to talk about it. (Note from Kale, this was actually submitted in May but I missed it.)

More to Me (oneshot) by @becs-bunker

No spoilers, but I’m so glad this ended the way it did. So sweet <3

Help (oneshot) by @blushingjared

I came across this fic and was immediately intrigued. Then I started reading and I was captivated from the first sentence until the very last. The author did such a good job with setting the scene and painting the right picture.

Talking Bodies (oneshot) by @ne-gans

This AU-Sam is such a huge weakness of mine. That, in combination with this dangerously filthy masterpiece, is nothing short of perfection.

Nominated by @focusonspn

Into The Woods (series) by @amanda-teaches

So well written, interesting plot and great development. The chemistry between Y/N and Dean is also amazing, and I loved how this mini-series could be so easily part of the show. Totally worth reading.

Nominated by @thoughtslikeamindfield

Stranger Than FanFiction (series) by @cherry3point14

The premise is similar to the film Stranger Than Fiction – a story about a story being written about you – and it’s just as hilarious. Also, Cherry Pie is still one of the funniest writers in this corner of SPN fandom.

“You’re not supposed to move your head if there’s someone trying to murder you, probably…”

No, I wouldn’t think so, but lollllll

“You’re being insane, out loud.”

Omgggg

“It tried, oh, how the door tried to divert her attention from the unknown men who could be terrible, rule-breaking influences on her. However the door was only wood and she was a stubborn woman made of free will and limbs—a woman who refused to be deceived.”

“Your hand is on the doorknob before the mention of your limbs has finished rattling around your head. Realistically you don’t want to encourage the voice by doing what it says. After all, the voice’s ultimate goal seems to be killing you.”

BAHAHAHAH omfg you guys

I need to stop quoting from this bc I probably seem insane to those of you who haven’t read this, so stop being judgy buttheads and go read!

Nominated by @flamencodiva

The Choice (series) by @superfanficnatural

A couple of things. 1) this is an amazing fic that highlights Dean unwillingness to let himself go until it’s almost too late. and 2) the smut in this is hot hot hot hot! not for anyone under 18 years of age.

Mert has a way with words and can literally pluck you into one and make you see it as it comes to life in your head.

Mine (series) by @holylulusworld

Lulu has an abundance of different stories she tells and this one is my favorite of her ABO’s at the moment. (although I love all of them) I think this one deserved a mention. I am glad she joined to Pond so I could help nominate and spread her amazing work!

One Night at a Time (series) by @crashdevlin

Another great fic by Cassie! This one shot full of Angst, Smut, and if you squint just the right amount of Dean fluff. She has a way of capturing your attention and putting you in the world as you read.

What He Lost (oneshot) by @jensengirl83

This short story by Brandy is sure to rip your heart out. she leaves just a bit of hope where you think there is a chance only to crush it completely with the ending. This one is sure to bring you to tears if you are looking for the most delicious angsty story to read.

Nominated by @risingpheonix761

Down The Rabbit Hole (oneshot) by @dontshootmespence

So, this was hysterical. XD I love crack fics, and bad smut in particular, and this one hits the spot. (I’ve also learned several new horrible euphemisms lol). The ending, though? Golden!

Nominated by @myinconnelly1

The Affair (oneshot) by @holylulusworld

I love how well all the characters are portrayed I truly hate everyone except the reader! Well done!!

Red Riding Hood - or how you ran into a wolf... (oneshot) by @holylulusworld

I have nothing to say about this. I will simply allow the puddle I have become to speak for me.

Last Omega On Earth (oneshot) by @holylulusworld

This was a great entry in the ABO world. and we need more of this and more like !!!!! Great work!

My Beta (oneshot) by @holylulusworld

I am a greedy little bitch with this fic. I think I've read it 3-4 since i first read it this month!!!!!! READ THIS FIC!

Third Period (oneshot) by @fictionalabyss

Some truly inspiring smut. Inspiring to change my panties.

Gods of Twilight (series) by @thecleverdame

I think i posted this fic in my rec before, but it is so amazing and intricate that i can't stop gushing about it. Fucking awesome.

Apple Pie (oneshot) by @bad268

The amazingness of this is great, check this guppy out!

Deal (oneshot) by @bad268

Comedy at some of its's finest!!!

Confession (oneshot) by @idreamofplaid

THE FLUFFFFFFF!!!! I don't read straight fluff. So get the tissues ready.

Fallen (series) by idreamofplaid

My therapist has told me i'm not longer allowed to talk about this fic during our sessions. So instead i shall now talk about it here... *pulls out soapbox* ahem... *gets pulled away with hook*

Memory (oneshot) by @idreamofplaid

This fic is older, but i love it so much. I recently went back and reread it, and the angst and reconciliation in this fic are heartwrenching.

Home (oneshot) by @emilyshurley

My dentist bill the month was higher than normal, due to the new cavities caused by this fic.

Imperfectly Yours (oneshot) by @emilyshurley

Cuteness overload as you get Dean's perspective of Home ^^

Second Hand News (oneshot) by @emilyshurley

Alright listen. I am a glutton for punishment. And this fic, I asked for. Also i had it set within one of the universes we now own. That all being said, reading this was like a dose of my own medicine and it fucking hurt.

Honesty And Lies (oneshot) by @crashdevlin

This was super dirty, and great. Totally recommend.

Nominated by @deanwinchesterswitch

The Classifieds (oneshot) by @talesmaniac89

This is rip your heart out and stomp on it angst right here. So well written, but so, so heartbreaking.

So Much More Than Perfect (oneshot) by @imagineteamfreewill

This fic is one of the sweetest things I’ve ever read. It made me tear up a bit, but who doesn’t love Dean being the most protective, most adorable dad ever?!

Nominated by @mariekoukie6661

Dear Dean (series) by @smol-and-grumpy

It’s one of those series that makes you wants more after every chapter. It’s a brilliant story.

Left Behind (series) by @kittenofdoomage

It’s the only John Fic I can read over and over and over again. Its hot, the plot is awesome! And it makes me wants more each and every time I read it.

Not Much Left (oneshot) by @impala-dreamer

I think Beka tries to kill her readers every time she writes smut… or she just tap into our mind what we want or what we fantasize about. Every single time I’m speechless by her talents!

Yes Professor (oneshot) by @impala-dreamer

It’s a Misha fic, there’s no one who write Misha the way Beka does!!!

Owe You One (series) by @supernatural-jackles

It’s such a great series! The friends with Benefit and Mechanic!Dean… I just love this so much and I don’t have words to describe how good this one is!!

Flirty In French (oneshot) by @fictionalabyss

This is brilliant, and I know its an old one, but from someone who finally decided to read more and from someone who is from Quebec, this is absolutely brilliant! The flirty french pick up line are so hilarious!

Nominated by @moosekateer13

Watching for Comets (series) by @holylulusworld

This fic beautifully captures the song that it was inspired by.

It also showcases things that when things are meant to be.

I’ll will all fall into place.

Please Trust Me (oneshot) by @holylulusworld

This fic beautifully emotionally captures what it’s like to have trust issues.

Nominated by @fictionalabyss

Last Call (oneshot) by @impala-dreamer

It was everything we needed and wanted.

Culinary Exploits (oneshot) by @impala-dreamer

Too utterly ridiculous not to get a mention.

His Omega (oneshot) by @iflostreturntosteverogers

A sweet little comfort fic of Dean being utterly perfect caring for his Omega. Carrie also pulled off keeping this gender neutral, which isn’t something I see a lot of, and probably something I’d struggle with, so hats off to you, babe.

Poison (oneshot) by @supernatural-jackles

YES omg i feel this on such a level. I’ve gone through that shit myself. A friend who lets you down so profoundly but then acts as if you’re the most toxic person in the world. Nothing feels as good as letting go of that shit and moving on to better things. This was beautiful, and perfect, and TRUTH.

Amara (oneshot) by @impala-dreamer

This one hurt. It really hurt, but it hurt so good that I’m left wanting more.

Take Me Now (oneshot) by @sorenmarie87

If Dawn doesn’t continue this, I’ll riot.

Stuck On You (oneshot) by @kittenofdoomage

I rarely read a fic this long (I just don’t usually have the time) but it looked too interesting for me to scroll past, and it had me completely captivated. I needed to know what would happen as if I needed air, even though I could guess how it ended, I needed to read the words. Phenomenal.

Thank you all for the awesome work and great feedback!

These are not actual awards! This system is set up so everyone in the pond has a chance to share the love and promote a fic/author that has grabbed your attention. The more people that participate, and the more everyone remembers to submit their own fics after posting, the better this will be :D

THANK YOU ALL AGAIN, KEEP UP THE AMAZING WORK, AND AS ALWAYS, HAPPY WRITING!

#afa masterlist #afa awards #angel fish awards #spn fic rec #spn fanfic #afas #fan fiction #fanfiction #fan fic #spn fan fiction #spn fanfiction #spn fan fic #supernatural fan fiction #supernatural fan fic #supernatural fanfiction #supernatural fanfic #fic rec #supernatural fic rec

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migleefulmoments · 4 years

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Abb/y has something to s/ay

Let me premise this by reminding everyone that Abby -like Trump-doesn’t “get” comedy. They literally do not understand jokes, punchlines, or humor. So a satirical show about the Hollywood song writers falls flat. Her time away did nothing to sway her conspiratorial aspirations or her misogynistic hatred of Mia. She watched Royalties not once, but twice... not to enjoy Darren’s creativity and performance, not to support the celebrity she stans, and not even to crack up at the humor, no she watched twice because she was looking for confirmation bias. She wanted to document all of the ways Darren wrote his CrissColfer truth into Pierce’s life and she obsessively listened to all of the diss-tracks he wrote to attack his wife.

Let me also premise this by saying I loved the show. I thought it was funny and the songs are so damn catchy. The lyrics are quintessential Darren- funny, very clever, and raunchy.

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R/oyalties, the Tale of Two Shows with a Heaping Side of Meta

ajw720. So I just finished watching R/oyalties for the second time, this time solely focused on the meta. Look, we all know, the show is not good, it was not well written and the short format didn’t help as there was no option to develop character or plot. But D knew it would not be good, he apologized for it back in January 2019. And I think the effort he put into acting was the effort it deserved. Ok.

But his songs were genius. As were the videos, hence why i call it the tale of two shows. It truly was like watching content made by completely different people. I concur with MH, D is “intensely talented.” And the part of this show he poured his blood, sweat, and tears into, the songs, are evident of this.

But this is a post about that Heaping Side of Meta. I think D, knowing that that show would not be made in the manner he envisioned, instead used it as a vehicle to make some bold statements and parallels with his career and public life. Shall we begin? And please, unlike the perfect song, this is not a perfect post and after the second round of watching i canceled my Quibi subscription and never plan to look back, so please feel free to add. I know some of these have been pointed out but I thought it was valuable to have one post.

One idea to inpsire the song? A tiny FROG on a dime.

D’s shirt 1st seen in Episode 2: “It is hard to soar like an Eagle when you are surrounded by turkeys”

And of course “Call me Goldilocks bitch” Remind you of something?

How about the entirety of Episode 3 when we are told that an artist is completely the product of the team. That no matter what the artists expresses they want, it doesn’t matter because the Label/manager/publicist/on camera agent/legal will always have a say. And how it will play in America or the Foreign market are key metrics of how the product is produced and presented. I love the line of the songwriter that tells P/ierce and S/ara to “get out while they are young.” Or the line by one of her team “we don’t want something different, we want something the same that is different.” And in the end P&S simply took one of KK old songs and reworked it, making something different that is not different and her team loved it.

And of course, the line that was an utter slap in the face to the most over praised “director” of an indie band video ever when D reminds her of the real director in his life, the man set to direct major motion pictures, “you know who would be perfect to direct? C/hris. C/hris would shatter this.”

Not much in Episode 4, but the gorilla suit in my opinion was mocking of a certain MMR video where we watched Swiller and a banana in a song about a gorilla. Images I never need to see in my head again.

Episode 5, a gem, I am still so fucking proud of D and how he mocked her throughout the entirety of the episode. New lines I love of that amazing song he wrote about her (in addition to those i posted previously here) “Some people say I’m a genius, which comes from the greek word for Latin, and other people will say, alright in fact i’m a fuckin’s genius” “I’m not saying I’m a god, but I’m not saying I’m not a god.” Mocking at its finest made all that much better by the band’s name “Switchback Jacket” that D describes as “butt rock emo” that is performed by a band that doesn’t actually sing, they are just the public image. He literally told us that what we see is an image created for the public and that it is completely fake. And he used his beard to make this statement. Just brilliant. I cannot praise him enough for this, stealing her moment in the sun and making her look like an utter fool, telling us just how narcissistic she is.

Also some wonderful lines from that episode that are beyond telling:

“Power, it felt good to remind Kevin that I hold power over him. You always want to be the one with power”

“p/ierce wouldn’t know where to take a shit if I didn’t tell him.”

“she is like my wife except we don’t have sex and we are friends.”

“alright boss, I am ready to record that song, but where should i take a shit?”

“You will do anything to succeed.”

Episode 8 starring “Poly Amorous and the Unicorn Guild” an episode used to shine a light on how absurd it is that people believe D&PBB lived with platonic roomie B/enny for something like 4 years. 3 grown ass adults, all of whom have money to spare lived together in a relatively small house for four years. It is pure comedy that anyone would believe that this is normal. But hey these are the same people that explained away the infamous arm around her while at an awards show with D looking on:

And the cherry on top of this episode, the inclusion of C/huck (for some background, see my post here).

I really like the one bit of dialogue between P&S, where D pretty much tells us once again that M will use anyone to get what she wants:

“Did it ever occur to you that maybe just maybe, I don’t like where we are now? There were a lot of really great things about the way things were. Things that are worth preserving. Not that you just take and use and through out.”

Episode 9 had some really impactful lines:

“you think i wouldn’t steal for my career? You think I wouldn’t lie? I would do anything.”

The Neils being the nameless individuals, nothing more than a number, who are the ones who actually create the product. And then the song, some of the translations are D telling you how he feels, because sometimes i think in terms of his public image he is just a Neil trying to escape the cage that has been built around him:

“I dream about getting away, I have been locked up in this cage wishing i could make my escape. I hate that I need you.”

And finally Episode 10, where we learn the Neils get no credit and no royalties. This reminds me of a script C wrote that never saw the light of day but suddenly the next season of AHS had the same theme as his script.

And that is all i got, if you have more please add. I think the fact that D took what he knew would be a mediocre project and projected his voice and story throughout it was pretty genius and a smart way to utilize this vehicle, that was clearly payout for so many that have used him for years and to shine a bright light on the truth.

elicc The “perfect song”’s performer is called Bailey Rouge, a clear link to TLOS.

He is a genius.

ajw720 @elicc damn, that was on my list and I forgot. And we all know who Red is inspired by, so seems fitting Bailey Rouge would get the perfect song.

ajw720. Just adding one more I thought about putting in my original post but admittedly think it’s a stretch. But maybe not? Just adding here for fun.

When Theo tells P to bottle up all his romantic feelings I couldn’t help but think of a certain chapter in a book

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Oy Vei! Abby didn’t use her time away getting any therapy or perspective. She hasn’t learned any lessons. I have no doubt she’s been reading just as much as she did before and she’s speaking to Cassie, Flowers et al all day. It’s really sad. It’s sad that she can’t see how silly she sounds, what an asshole her version of Darren is. If she could restrain herself even a little bit it might come off less unhinged because turning every single moment of Royalties into some crisscolfer wet dream reeks of desperation.

Abby hates Royalties. In last week’s “Dear D” she had the audacity to say

....Fans that are beyond devoted and mainly because of the way you have treated fans with respect and a level of caring that far surpasses the majority of public figures. And while I am not enjoying the show itself, the music shows how diverse you are as a writer and how you can virtually write for anyone or any genre. The songs are fantastic. Memorable. And really fun.

She knows the the Langs wrote the show and Darren wrote the songs but what she can’t seem to comprehend is that Darren IS Royalties. Everything in the show is Darren’s.

Staying in the closet would be less painful than trying to express oneself through a short-form satirical comedy. Can you imagine trying to express your devastation and pain through Kick Your Shoes off or Break It In?

“I’m the king of the hard fuck....pile drive the bed like a young buck...if you like feathery shit thats pretty cool but I don’t need that...people say I fuck too soft, saying that I can’t please a woman”

BTW Abby- “call me goldilocks bitch” isn’t a reference to TLOS it’s a reference to Goldilocks and Three Bears because because he fucks perfect, not too soft, not too hard. It’s much more believable that he is referring to a random nursery rhyme than it is to believe he is referring to a children’s book his lover/husband/boyfriend wrote 8 years ago. You might love the book but Chris has moved on and written new things.

Darren wrote funny lyrics. I loved Kick Your Shoes Off because it’s written by a man whose watched his wife and female friends wear painful shoes for the same of fashion even though its painful as fuck.

“Yeah, I’m a bad bitch so don’t be mad bitch. I turned the room into a catwalk like a sad bitch. I can’t feel my toes in these stilettos. when I walk out my roomate says you’ll regret those....Beauty is pain but oh I look amazing. You won’t hear me complaining but oh my instep (inside?) is screaming...kick your shoes off (kick em off) ooooooo I do what I want..(Kick em off) ooooo Hey I can’t walk in these, blisters start to bleed now both my feet are swollen. Kick your shoes off (Kick em off).....It’s like i feel so good when my shoes are on, but like i also feel sooooo good when they are off”

Abby’s convinced I am So Much Better Than You is straight up about Mia because Mia is in the video. She listened to it on repeat the day after it came out. In her “Letter to D” last week she said

Especially after you made an effort to mock her for the entirety of Tuesday when her episode aired (and for the record I am still really, really proud of what you did with that episode and how you handled the roll out, that is the fighter I admire and that inspires me. I listened to I am so much better than you on repeat on my drive home from work yesterday).

Good Lord The lyrics are as silly as all the other songs: “My mirror wants to bone me (but it can’t because it’s a mirror)” How did Abby miss the obvious TLOS mirror/ Halloween costume reference here?

“You keep doing push ups while I get buff eating mac and cheese (with overpriced lobster and truffles because I’m worth it)”

“Some people say I’m a genius (which comes from the greek work for latin) Some other people will say yeah I’m right I’m a fucking genius (I’m not saying I’m a god but I’m not saying I’m not a god).

“And even when you sneeze, God blesses me, he blesses me. And even when you sneeze, god blesses me, he blesses me, he blesses me”

“I’m am so much better than you at everything”.

She believes Darren would be- and stay- married to a women that he publicly ridicules and attacks. I don’t get why she thinks that is something admirable .

She thinks Also You is referring to Ben living with them. Where to start with this one? She says

“Episode 8 starring “Poly Amorous and the Unicorn Guild” an episode used to shine a light on how absurd it is that people believe D&PBB lived with platonic roomie B/enny for something like 4 years. 3 grown ass adults, all of whom have money to spare lived together in a relatively small house for four years. It is pure comedy that anyone would believe that this is normal. But hey these are the same people that explained away the infamous arm around her while at an awards show with D looking on”

I’m gobsmacked. Also You is about Polyamory. She doesn’t even understand her own theories if she thinks that is the message Darren wants to share about Mia and Ben. In no world would someone try to proclaim their wife was cheating on them with a live-in houseguest by writing an episode called Poly Amorous and the Unicorn Guild. Also, someone needs to explain cuckholding to her because her theories about Ben and Mia make Darren a cuck.

OMG I just realized that Darren is a cuck and Royalties proves it. He hired Kether to be his costar in Royalties,...Kether is in You’re the Worst as Lindsay. Lindsay cuckholds her husband. Bam! mic drop.

Why isn’t Perfect Song about Mia, you know, if we are playing confirmation bias “No one is as good as you because you're my perfect song”

#CrissColfer #Darren Criss #Abby Speaks

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grigori77 · 5 years

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Lost Classic #30

HE NEVER DIED

Dir./Wri. JASON KRAWCZYK; Music. JAMES MARK STEWART; Starring. HENRY ROLLINS, BOOBOO STEWART, STEVEN OGG, JORDAN TODOSEY, KATE GREENHOUSE, JAMES CADE, MICHAEL CRAM, DAVID RICHMOND-PECK, DON FRANCKS; R.T. 99 mins; 2016, USA/Canada

WHAT IT’S ABOUT: Jack (Rollins) is an introverted loner who lives his quiet life according to a simple routine to protect himself from awkward social interaction, and others from the fact that he’s actually an immortal cannibal who’s been alive since Biblical times, staving off his murderous impulses by regularly ingesting donor blood he acquires through an underhanded deal with local hospital intern Jeremy (Stewart). This is all changes the night Andrea (Todosey), the adult daughter he never knew he had, turns up on his doorstep, sparking a calamitous chain of events that shatters Jack’s peace-and-quiet once and for all.

WHY IT’S LOST: While it’s been mostly well received by critics and embraced by fans of darker, edgier horror cinema, rightly earning itself a small cult following, writer-director Jason Krawczyk’s feature debut arrived VERY MUCH under the radar, debuting at South By Southwest before receiving a very limited cinematic release and going straight to VOD and DVD (which is where I stumbled across it). It’s had some small success on Netflix, and there have been plans to spin it off into a miniseries, with both Krawczyk and Rollins returning, since 2014, but that seems to have been stuck in Development Hell for a while now …

WHY YOU SHOULD DISCOVER IT: Personally, I’d love to see Jack return, one way or another – this is a BRILLIANT film, an unapologetically non-PC jet black comedy horror that quietly revels in the fantastically understated, matter-of-fact anti-heroics of its soft-spoken, hangdog lead. Henry Rollins is an absolute riot throughout, underplaying magnificently even in the face of the most over-the-top moments to provide the film with its irresistible secret weapon, the former rock star-turned-stand-up comic and character actor turning in what must surely be the finest performance of his career – Jack makes no apologies for what he is, even when he’s prying bullets from his skull so they won’t give him migraines when the wounds heal, he’d much rather you just left him alone to enjoy a nice game of bingo, but if you mess with him he’ll beat you to death without changing his expression. He’s provided with compelling support from a strong cast of solid talent – Degrassi’s Jordan Todosey is acerbic and sassy as Andrea, while relative unknown Kate Greenhouse seems sweet but ultimately shows some steel as downtrodden diner waitress Cara, the one person Jack seems capable of forming a bond with, Booboo Stewart goes a long way to distance himself from Twilight as flaky young chancer Jeremy, and Steven Ogg (Better Call Saul, The Walking Dead, Westworld) is a sleazy pleasure as the film’s nominal villain, Alex, a low-rent crime boss who’s also the son of Jack’s former employer (back when he worked as a bouncer and mob enforcer) – but this is VERY MUCH Rollins’ film, and he deserves every lick of praise he receives for it. It’s definitely not for the easily offended – the film never shies away from the violence that it delivers by the blood-soaked bucket-load – but it’s surprisingly sophisticated, from the pitch-perfect character moments to the darkly satirical social observation and razor sharp wit of Krawczyk’s top-drawer script, and there are moments of calm introspection and surprising pathos dotted throughout that keep things from getting TOO overblown. Altogether, then, this is a cracking piece of work, a genuine mini-masterpiece of jet black comedy, and I still hold out hope that we haven’t seen the last of Jack …

#he never died #jason krawczyk #henry rollins #booboo stewart #steven ogg #jordan todosey #kate greenhouse #Awesome Movies #must see movies #quality horror

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mentallydatingahotcelebrity · 6 years

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I Couldn’t Think of A Title But This is a Rant About Ragnarok

I was trying not write write another long-winded spiel about Thor: Ragnarok. There are just SO MANY FLAWS with the film that I find it hard to touch on one specific subject without thinking about 3 other subtopics that relate to the discussion.

Buuuuuuuut. . .

I had to crack my knuckles and pull up my keyboard once more because I keep seeing people go on this “If only Ragnarok had gone such-and-suchly” route. And the way it should have gone, according to many, is still not how it should have gone (even if these ideas are better than how it did go).

First of all, when people say Ragnarok should’ve been “different” they usually shell out some form of this:

1. Thor learns Odin is a despicable asshole

2. Thor discovers Asgard’s terrible past in colonization and decimation of other nations and becomes ashamed of his realm

3. Thor unites with Loki to combat what’s wrong with Asgard’s political views, etc.

NO NO NO

PLEASE, CAN WE CEASE WITH THIS COLONIZATION BUSINESS?!?!?!

I know it’s important--I’m not trying to say it isn’t--but for this film it is a FICTION created by an idiot who didn’t bother to invest time in the source material.

Thor already knew that Odin had conquered realms. That his grandfather had conquered realms. This isn’t news to him whatsoever. We LITERALLY got a prologue in the very first film featuring him and Odin and Loki discussing conquering. AND THEN ANOTHER in The Dark World.

Thor knew that bad things had happened, that all of Asgard wasn’t holy, pure, and good. That Odin was flawed. He REALIZED THIS at the end of his first film and in the middle of his second film.

OR HAVE YOU ALL FORGOTTEN THIS SCENE:

"If and when he [Malekith] comes, his men will fall on ten thousand Asgardian blades." "And how many of our men will fall on theirs?" "As many as are needed! We will fight! To the last Asgardian breath, to the last drop of Asgardian blood."

-- Odin and Thor, Thor: The Dark World

If you watch closely, (unfortunately I have no pictures) Thor stares at Odin with a look that is one of dismay and disappointment as his father walks away. In that moment Thor understands how much Odin is blinded by prejudices, and illusions of things that will not work anymore; that are archaic in their mode and frail in their means. As frail as the old man he suddenly understands his father has become. And then suddenly, Thor--faithful, dog-loyal Thor, who respected Odin so highly and sought in the first film to “make you proud, father”, understands that he can no longer make his father proud and do what he knows is the true right thing to do. It’s subtle, almost entirely beneath the surface-- Expressed through only a single facial movement and an air of disappointed shame which is quickly segued into the cutscenes of Thor following through on his own plan and recruiting Loki, who he now understands is right--at least about Odin’s failures as king.

THIS IS CINEMATIC POETRY AT ITS FINEST.

Thor goes to Odin to petition him to let him find a safe way to end Malekith’s plan, only to discover that Odin is narrow-minded, obtuse; refusing to alter his views or even really LISTEN to Thor. Thor is awakened to the realization that this isn’t what a good king does-- and I think that’s why he turns down the throne at the end when Loki-guised-as-Odin offers it to him.

Thor’s seen Odin for who he really is, what he became. He does not want to be that, so he goes off--Hoping to see more of the realms and to gain a better understanding of them.

“There are Nine Realms. The future king of Asgard must focus on more than one.”

-- Lady Sif

We don’t need some big moment (a waste of footage) where Thor confronts Odin about these errors. We don’t need Thor to say “We colonized and this is bad and I’m going to change it and be a better king” because that’s extra and doesn’t add to the character or the fictional sci/fi-fantasy universe he lives in. It’s literally just a waste and pandering to a bunch of ridiculous themes in our own universe that we really shouldn’t be impressing into Thor’s.

No, I’m going to mention something that in the hype of Ragnarok everyone seems to have misplaced:

THERE WAS A KING BEFORE ODIN.

HIS NAME WAS BOR

AND HE’S THE ONE WHO BUILT ASGARD.

I am so mentally exhausted with all of this “Odin built Asgard on the backs of slaves and brutally colonized scores of planets in the Nine! HE IS EVIL, EVIL! BAAAAAD!!!!!”

NO!

shhh ShhHHH SHHHH!

STOP IT.

It’s farcical lies. All of it. Just kill that ideology now.

Odin did not build Asgard. Like Thor, he inherited it. Premade. Already golden.

Because King Bor did all of that.

The only reason we’re thinking anything else is because we had a clown in a pineapple onesie fuck with the Order of Things and Not Pay Attention to Past Source Material. Taika literally ran over the fact that there was a monarch before Odin, that Odin isn’t creator of Asgard. Hell, did he even read the origin myths for Asgard!?!?!?

It goes:

Ymir the giant. From him came Buri, from Buri came Bor and from Bor came three sons: Odin, Vili, and Ve (in what birth order we know not).

King Bor built Asgard; built it up as the highest realm (highest as in = most glorious of them all), and THEN went out realm-conquering or whatever. Mostly he just stopped the giants from killing a lot of people and stopped other races from killing one another--however he also got into a fight with Vanaheim, which makes me think that Odin and Frigga were an alliance through marriage (given that Frigga is Vanir).

I really would like to know where the slaves came from, Taika. I really would.

Because:

Vanaheim was equal to Asgard (though the two realms did have a lot of quarrels, they never took one another as slaves, at least in the mythos).

Nornheim only has the 3 Norn sisters living in it protecting the Well of Urd.

Niffelheim is cold and dark and icy and barren; the realm before Helheim.

Helheim is the land of the dead and those who go there (usually) are never to return.

Jotunheim is the land of Frost Giants; and while Odin might have subdued them to keep them from destroying other realms like how the Allies stopped Hitler from destroying other countries), he certainly DIDN’T make them his slaves.

Muspelheim (as we saw) is full of fire-demons and Sutur to rule them.

Midgard was left entirely to its own devices after a few decades of visiting, we can plainly see. Not to mention that Asgardians seem to consider them “weak” and “puny” so they wouldn’t be used as slaves, since the composition of Asgardian matter is probably substantially different compared to Midgardian matter (especially given how Thor and Loki could just rip through Midgardian objects like paper in Avengers: Assemble).

Alfheim is the realm of the Light Elves and ain’t none of them gonna be taken as slaves. They practice M A G I C for crying out loud!

Svartalfheim is the only one that I could maybe probably see as being slave-material, but they got this insane idea to wipe out all of the light in all of the Realms so Bor Odin��s dad if you forgot had to destroy them.

Not for any reason to do with superiority, BUT BECAUSE THEY WERE TRYING TO DESTROY ALL THE REALMS!!!

If you notice a pattern here:

Someone tries to meddle in the affairs of the realms to a harmful extent. Asgard heaves a great heaping sigh and steps in, defeats the threat, and retires to their golden city.

NOWHERE IS THERE COLONIZATION AND INVASION.

The Dark Elves LITERALLY tried to make the light go away.

The Frost Giants LITERALLY tried to wipe out all of Midgard.

Bor (then Odin with the Jotuns) stepped in to protect other realms. Either realms that were weak or realms that simply weren’t aware of the problem (because why cause a panic when you can just deal with the problem? *looking at you, Dark Elves*).

To sum up:

I’ve done the research and nowhere do I see slaves.

Thanks, Taika.

I mean, yes, I’m sure there were slaves somewhere in the Nine Realms, I’m sure it happened. But I think that with all of these realms, with thousands of planets in each realm, and so many of them being “advanced” that the idea of slavery would be mentally slow to them. And of the few planets that were in that number that used slaves, Asgard would certainly not be counted.

Because why the actual solitary hell do we have to have every single fucking universe in fiction be slave-holding? God, that really makes Americans sound like butthurt assholes. I know it’s supposed to be some sort of allegorical symbolism and warnings to not let that stuff happen again and other epicness, but if they really wanted to do that

WE HAD BLOODY SAKAAR TO PUSH THAT MESSAGE.

THERE WAS EVEN AN EGOTISTICAL AMERICAN ACTOR PLAYING THE LEADER OF THAT PLANET.

AND TAIKA MISSED THIS.

Of course he couldn’t make Sakaar unique, no. (What, are you dull? The man has zero imagination!) Waititi had to go and poison Asgardian history with slavery and colonization yada, yada, yada *vomits*. Because he has no imagination and no idea how to write fantasy worlds. Which is clearly defined in his total lack of understanding and ability to embrace the fictional world of Thor.

Waititi couldn’t ever allow himself to really get a good grasp on the universe of Nine Realms, so he made it into a farce. He couldn’t put faith in fantasy so he destroyed it with a blowtorch and kitschy 70s/80s sets that were really garbage bins in disguise. Because he can find a foothold in bad comedy more readily than he can catch on to high-fantasy.

We already know that Asgard has problems. We didn’t need Taika to make that more obvious. It would’ve been nice that instead of saying “oh, heey, lookie, more problems than you thought initially!” he brought SOMETHING NEW to the scene.

Something with substance.

Colonization is nice and all, and a strong allegorical message, surely, but Asgard was doing just fine being bad without that idiotical and unnecessary leap. Thor was feeling like shit about Odin’s kingly choices In The Past without needing to “discover” what he already knew lmao this underworld side of the realm.

It was dramatic enough that Hela is really the first-born in line for the throne. We didn’t need any of that realm-conquering/executioner horseshit to fog up the fishtank.

In all honesty I would’ve loved to learn that Loki was Hela’s son with Laufey but was unsatisfactory so she tried to sacrifice him for more power over killing things but Odin came in, put a stop to the Power Couple of Death and Destruction and saved his grandson, thus giving more validation to the line “your birthright was to die!”

Anyway, I’m out. Most likely to go puke because I’m so very ill and then come back and cringe at this insanely plot-holey post.

#Loki #Thor #Hela #Odin #Frigga #Bor #Norse Mythology #Marvel Mythology #gifs #Odin and Asgard #Meta #Gagnarok #colonization #slavery in Asgard #Nine Realms #Realm Conquering #taika waititi the bad director #yes i tagged the bastard #grins like loki

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marveloverthinker · 6 years

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Space Orcs- Scientists

The Chancellors of Gradavar University, the most prestigious research institution in the Federation, were not, on the whole, boisterous beings. They had achieved their position through introspection and careful study, becoming renowned as the finest minds in their various fields in known space. So their staffers couldn’t help but be a bit perturbed at the argument that raged over the table as they discussed the possibility of adding their first human member. “Preposterous!” spat the Chancellor of Primitive Life Studies. “Humans are little better than barbarians, not even half of one of their lifespans away from First Contact. Forty cycles ago their greatest achievement in Space Travel was still visiting their moon, and now you expect me to believe...” “What you believe...” interjected the Chancellor of Religion and Superstition, it’s proboscis hissing into the translator, “is inconsequential. Their quantum tunneler works, verified by our own people. A project we used to believe fell under MY jurisdiction is now apparently established science and we’re still scrambling to catch up. It would be a great deal easier if we had one of the scientists who built the damn thing on our Board, and lucky us, one is offering. It is waiting outside.” “You mean HE is waiting outside,” interjected the Chancellor of Diplomatic Arts. “Humanity is dual gendered.” “Actually, my research has suggested the truth is far more...” the genetics professor had that twitch in his tentacles which said what appeared to be a momentary interjection was likely to turn into a four hour treatise on the subject, so the Arch-Chancellor cut him off with the wave of a VERY irritated claw. Silence reigned... few were willing to be rude when a Devoran was waving her claws that way. “We’ll read your paper, I’m sure,” she said icily. “Far more important is the device and its construction. While I do not doubt our evaluation of the machine, the evaluation of its creators is far more interesting to me. Are we certain they didn’t steal it? I do find it highly unlikely that a race could go from planet-bound to the most advanced spacefarers in history in only forty cycles.” There was some dull muttering of agreement, loudest from the Chancellor of Primitive Life Studies, whose paper on the Life Forms of Earth had been a best seller among humans since it was first published in human languages. They’d hailed it as one of the greatest comedies in history, making it all but impossible for him to give lecture tours. The Arch-Chancellor sighed. “You’ve been silent on the matter so far, Kroiten. Have you nothing to add?” Kroitan, the Chancellor of technological advancement and one of the first intellectual emmisaries the Federation had sent to Earth, gave a little jump in his seat. “AHHH! Uh, sorry.” His eyes looked around, shiftily. “What now?” “The Device...” the Arch-Chancellor repeated, with more gentleness than she felt. He’d been a lot jumpier lately, but threatening him was unlikely to help that. “Do you believe these... humans... could have built it.” “Of COURSE they built it...” Kroitan gasped, refusing to look even in the direction of a holo of the device projected above the table. “It’s reckless, impossible, capable of putting a crack in the universe, who ELSE would have...” ‘What are you saying?” Asked the Chancellor of Archeotech, who’d been looking bored so far. “They don’t care if things work before they turn them on...” Kroitan hissed, a look of terror in his eyes. “They didn’t know, the first time they split the atom, if the reaction would STOP. As far as they knew, the reaction might have consumed their whole world. They knew the possibility it could set their atmosphere on fire. And THEY DID IT ANYWAY.” He sat forward in his chair so quick half the table backed away from the maddened look that covered all six of his eyes. “The man out there! He looked at the smouldering remains of an Ingram Series T-167 Photon Drive, not like a wreckage to be reverse engineered, but like a chrysalis to be opened. He could have just studied it, asked for help. But instead of just traveling faster than Physics believes to be a good idea, he thought ‘No, anyone could do THAT,’ and tried to work out how to use it to punch a hole in the universe! The fact that it WORKED is inconsequential... to ascertain whether it was safe, he would have needed a few dozen more of their lifetimes. So he didn’t know! He just did it, broke a great deal of physics along the way, and so we have to hire him!” “Why?” The current Chancellor of Quantum Physics asked, feeling like he was watching his job float away on the seas of his homeworld. “If he is so dangerous...” “HE CAME TO US!” Kroitan wailed. “He wants to study. He WILL study. He came here not because we are Gradavar University, but because they are members of the Federation, and it seemed a good way to play nice! But if we say no, he won’t just give up. He’ll go elsewhere. To the Balavar Cooperative, or even the Athalan, or worst of all, back home!” “Worst of all?” “What do you think THEIR governments would say to a researcher who can break four dimensional space with a flip of a switch!? We’ll spend decades trying to understand it. They’ll start thinking in terms of APPLICATIONS.” Where biology allowed, faces paled. The vote was quick, and a porter was sent to brief their newest member while the Primitive Lifeforms Chancellor left the room in a huff, likely to resign, though no one could blame him. “Very well,” the Arch-Chancellor sighed again, ready to bring the group to safer waters. “I believe there is an update from the biology department?” There was an awkward pause, and the group took a stunned breath as a young human woman entered the chamber, bright eyed. “I suppose...” the Chancellor of Botany said slowly... “this might NOT actually be the best time to introduce my newest field researcher...”

#haw #Space Orcs #Humans are Weird

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aion-rsa · 3 years

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Ranking The Bill’s Christmas Specials From Best to the One Where Reg Plays the Back End of a Panto Cow

https://ift.tt/3anspff

Christmas is where you find it. Sometimes you find it in Canley Borough Operational Unit Command, Sun Hill. It’s a rough joint where the hours are long and life is short. It’s where the cops play hardball, the dames play hard to get, and the dame-cops do both, in sensible shoes. (That’s right, some of the cops are dames – though admittedly, not really until the 1990s, and they rarely make it past Inspector.)

Over its 27-year history, British police procedural The Bill aired 2,425 episodes, just five of which were Christmas specials. They represent 0.0020% of the total output, and 100% of the episodes where Reg Hollis plays the back end of a pantomime cow. That makes each one a rare truffle for this little piggy to sniff out and stack in order of greatness. Let’s get sniffing.

5. Twanky (1997)

The plot: PC Polly Page is having a mare directing the annual Sun Hill Christmas panto: Aladdin, from a script by Tosh. The scenery keeps falling down. Widow Twanky loses his voice. Reg Hollis gets his head stuck in a cow. The Princess Lychee (it was the nineties) costume is accidentally swapped for a box of shoplifted fetish-wear that’s exhibit A in an ongoing trial. Then the venue cancels at the last minute and a crazed ex-con stalks the production, takes a hostage, and attempts to cosh the Assistant Detective Inspector to stop him taking the witness stand. Time until police work: 4 minutes 43 seconds. There’s a call-out to a bar fight involving a carving knife and 107 stitches. Who gets nicked? Three kids who steal a trolleyful of frozen turkeys. A hostage-taking pantomime-cosher. And DC Rod Skase, who gets nicked and sexually assaulted by a pair of coppers from a rival station who honk his Widow Twanky balloon boobs. Best line: “You tell Deakin, there’s no way Jason’s going down. I’ll ‘av him.” High points: Reg saving the day with a new venue and the hostage-taker getting taken down by the might of Sun Hill live on stage, to the delight of the audience, who scream like it’s the Beatles at Shea Stadium. Low points: The Gary Glitter song and dance routine (hindsight). Why it’s in fifth place: It’s the only one of The Bill Christmas specials that makes you watch what feels like an entire pantomime, including songs and an overlong cow-based dance routine. Nobody should have to go through that at Christmas.

4. The Night Before/The Morning After (2000)

The plot: The Sun Hill uniforms are planning a Christmas bash at their local, but CID’s nose is out of joint about not getting an invite, so they nick the landlord’s son for possession (an early role for Matt from aptly named boy-band Busted) and get everyone barred. Reg finds a club as a stand-in party venue but they all get into a mass punch-up in the queue. Married PC Dave Quinnan rescues PC Polly Page from the melee, and overcome by lust, they embark on an affair, feeling each other up in the meat wagon and getting entangled underneath an orange duvet. Meanwhile, two department store security guards commit aggravated robbery and pin it on a small-time Glaswegian shoplifter, who tries to appeal to Duncan’s Scottish camaraderie by spinning him a pack of festive lies. Time until police work: 00:47. Straight in. Two uniforms go to pick up a department store shoplifter who makes a run for it through soft furnishings but comes a cropper by the vacuum cleaner display. Who gets nicked? The Scottish shoplifter, Matt from Busted, and eventually, the two security guards. Best line: “I got him in the grotto” “Sounds painful” High point: Learning that Reg’s middle name is Percival Low point: A surprisingly long C-plot about Derek and Jack needing a wee. Why it’s in fourth place: A complete absence of Christmas magic. It might be set during the festivities, but this dour two-parter’s adultery plot and EastEnders-style domestic drama feels not the faintest bit Christmassy. It’s a lot of moping around in dressing gowns, grumpy bickering and lonely heartache, more kitchen sink than Frank Capra.

3. When The Snow Lay Round About (1999)

The plot: A bottle episode! The Sun Hill crew is snowed in on a mostly silent night down at the nick. Having been cruelly mocked for the quality of his Christmas tree, Reg goes out into the snow, whereupon he intercepts a rogue snowball-thrower setting off the local burglar alarms. A Christmas orphan arrives in the form of Glen, whose foster family refuse to come and collect him because he keeps running away and is generally a bit of a knob. Glen’s dad is doing five in the Scrubs, so Glen keeps robbing the staplers and calling everyone filthy framing pigs. A comedy Russian barbershop quartet show up when their minibus is stolen, and they all get the major horn for Sgt. June Ackland, who loves it. Tony brings in a drunk elf, who promises to grant him a Christmas wish if he can go free. Tony wishes for mince pies, and then magically a boxful is delivered. Danny the Elf makes the Serg’s Christmas wish come true by unearthing Glen’s grandad to come and pick him up. Time until police work: 5:04 Tony radios in a drunk and disorderly elderly man found singing Jingle Bells and trying to climb a lamppost on Fenton Street, who calls himself Danny the Elf.

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Who gets nicked? Danny the Elf and Reg’s phantom snowball-flinger. The Russian minibus thief goes free because he brings the bus back, makes up with his barbershop quartet and they all have a sing-song. Best line: Glen’s heartbreaking “Do they have Christmas in prison?” High point: Danny telling Serg he was the one who’d granted his unexpressed Christmas wish for Glen to find his beloved granddad, then disappearing to the sound of sleigh bells as the theme music kicks in. Low point: The Borat-alike Russians. “We must tour UK for orphans charity!” Must you? Why it’s in third place: It’s very silly but really Christmassy. It snows! There’s a tree! Reg has an action scene (off-screen, but still). It has a happy ending, and the storyline about Gary the foster child ends up being genuinely moving. Comedy Russians aside, it’s a very respectable hour of festive TV.

2. Santa’s Little Helper (2008)

The plot: A spate of burglaries is traced back to a market stall Santa, who robs people’s houses during the one-hour wait for their family’s grotto photo. It turns out that Santa’s on probation, and clean, but his daughter Lisa and her boyfriend were doing the robberies to pay off his pre-prison debts to a wrong’un. Sun Hill’s finest conduct an impressive sting operation, then keep going up the chain until the investigation leads them all the way to a notorious organised criminal gang leader. Time until police work: 0:42. Two uniforms respond to a 999 call about an unconscious elderly man at a break-in. No messing. Who gets nicked? Lisa. Lisa’s boyfriend. Lisa’s dad. The loan shark and thug who was terrorising Lisa. Best line: “Thieving Santa, they’ll be telling me the Tooth Fairy’s a crack dealer next.” High point: When they’re letting Father Christmas out of custody and give him back his beard out of an evidence bag. Low point: All the stick DC Stuart Turner gets for owning a Westlife CD and keeping his flat tidy. Masculinity is a spectrum, officers. Broaden your minds. Why it’s in second place: It’s not only quite a touching story about a family trying to stay together at Christmas (albeit through breaking and entering and a bit of ABH), it also a well-plotted, satisfying series of revelations that kick-start an exciting, twisty-turny multi-episode plot about DC Stevie Moss’s undercover work that’s more or less a bonus series of Line of Duty. We’re talking high-stakes criminal gangs, guns and double-crossing.

1. Christmas Star (1998)

The plot: Tony is organising the works Christmas do, and promising the world on a £15-a-head budget. (The world: music, crisps, nuts, some grub, champagne, lap dances for the men and a Father Christmas stripper for the women.) Trouble is, he’s done a hooky no-VAT deal for cheap booze with the Cash and Carry, which gets raided by the Fraud Squad, so has to pay full whack out of his own pocket at the offy instead. A BMW driver has done a hit and run, leaving a schoolgirl Arsenal obsessive in a coma. Suspecting the owner is lying about his car having been stolen, P.C. Santini does some proper coppering, finds out the owner’s wife was driving, and nicks them both. On top of that, he manages to get the victim a hospital visit from Arsenal’s Emmanuel Petit. A Christmas miracle! Time until police work: 2:06 All units are called to the high street because of the hit and run. Who gets nicked? The BMW driver and his wife. Best line: “Tony’s had a bit of an annus horribilis” “And quite a rough year.” High point: Eddie delivering on his footballer promise to the victim, but being classy enough to keep it to himself. What a mensch. Low point: The BMW owner’s cliched beatnik stylings, man. Why it’s in first place: It’s a gripping, well-paced hour, with a satisfying ending, and a moral about not promising what you can’t deliver. It’s got a guest star in the form of 1990s football sensation Emmanuel Petit, and a hero in the form of P.C. Eddie Santini. Also, being set in 1998, these days it’s a lovely nostalgic watch. Someone gets a fiver out of a Midland Bank cash point! Someone else pays their share of the drinks kitty by cheque! All the women’s eyebrows are plucked thinner than an Elizabethan royal. Truly, a hallowed age.

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Merry Christmas to all! (But mostly to P.C. Reg Hollis).

The post Ranking The Bill’s Christmas Specials From Best to the One Where Reg Plays the Back End of a Panto Cow appeared first on Den of Geek.

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bigyack-com · 4 years

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Street Dancer 3D movie review: Varun Dhawan-Shraddha Kapoor film has thinner plot than a dance reality show - bollywood

Street Dancer 3D Director - Rema D’Souza Cast - Varun Dhawan, Shraddha Kapoor, Prabhudeva A hardcore dance film, which has rubber-limbed dancers putting up an excellent show? We say, bring it on. The trouble begins when you try to make this light-on-its-feet film multi-task by giving it a ham-fisted story and a heavy moral angle to boot. Street Dancer 3D suffers when put through the wringer in order to make it more than what it is – an out-and-out dance film. Starring Varun Dhawan and Shraddha Kapoor as passionate dancers, this is the third iteration in Remo D’Souza’s series after ABCD and its sequel. And you do wonder why it was not simply called ABCD 3 because Street Dancer has little to do with the film or its story. Watch the Street Dancer 3D trailer here Sehej (Varun) and Inayat (Shraddha) are arch rivals and captains of their respective dance troupes — Street Dancers and Rule Breakers; and how they passionately support cricket teams of their respective countries — India and Pakistan. Even though they share an innate passion for dance, there’s a constant desire to outdo each other in the world’s biggest dance battle, Ground Zero. How their rivalry takes a backseat and they find a bigger reason to dance their hearts out to ‘express, not to impress’ forms the crux of the story, whatever little is there. There’s an underlying patriotic feel -- pitting India and Pakistan against each other -- and also the Tricolor play in the climactic dance battle is enough to give you an adrenaline rush. Clearly it was a clever move on the makers’ part to make it fit for a Republic Day release. The film is a visual spectacle, no doubt. Be it lighting, sound design, ace dance performances or the VFX that is served to you in 3D -- it all makes for an exhilarating watch. There are some jaw-dropping moves and flips, and world class dance performances and it’s commendable to see the variety of dance forms, the director has explored in one film. For lead actors Varun and Shraddha, it would have taken some crazy hours of practice to get those moves right. And if not stand out, they do match up to the professional dancers standing next to them.

Talking of performances, Varun’s emotional and balanced Sehej connects with you as the dancer in him wins over the actor in him. Unlike the comedies he has done in the past, he doesn’t go overboard with his character or acting in Street Dancer. Shraddha, on the other hand, looks beautiful and has cracked some of the toughest dance moves and flips. Though there’s not much for her do in terms of acting, she gets your attention when she’s there on screen. What I particularly loved is how Remo puts the spotlight on professional dancers from all the dance reality shows he has judged so far. There’s Punit Pathak, Dharmesh Yelande, Sushant Pujari, Salman Yusuff Khan, Raghav Juyal and some of the best dancers from world over; each one of them is intrinsic to the story. And the one who truly shines is Nora Fatehi — such a clever casting call. The sass and ease she has in her dancing allows Remo to up his game. And the Garmi track is indeed one of the best from her so far. The surprise package here is Prabhudheva as Anna (God knows why), a former performer-turned-restaurateur who becomes the force behind the rivals burying the hatchet for a good cause. It’s endearing to watch him act, perform and bring his Midas touch with some impeccable dance moves. And Muqabala 2.0 has perhaps been one of the finest recreations in the recent times. While the spectacular dance performances keep you invested, your attention wanders the moment the predictable plot kicks in. The film’s plot takes so many twists and turns that you are not sure if you are watching the same dance-off you paid good money for two hours ago. There are so many threads and sub-plots in the story that it all ends as a tangled mess at the end of it. Even the length of the film doesn’t go in its favour. At 2 hours 30 minutes, it doesn’t take much for the film to turn into a snooze fest. The second half with its multiple emotional outbursts feels especially dragged.

Unfortunately, Street Dancer is not a genre that everyone will enjoy watching. Take for instance those who have no interest in sitting through dance reality shows on TV, the film doesn’t cater to them, hence, it limits its reach to some extent in that sense. And then, there’s only a limit to which one can watch dance battles. Now, if you insert one song and dance sequence every five to ten minutes, there’s too little one can expect in terms of something different. The film as a whole has nothing special to say, no strong message to give. And each time you get bored, a dance sequence pops up as a wake-up call. Music is not necessarily the highlight but definitely it complements the narrative. Illegal Weapon and Lagdi Lahore Di make you move and groove, while Dua Karo showing Varun’s agony and guilt cuts through your heart. To sum up, it’s only better if we don’t look for meaning here, because there’s none. The script lacks substance and it merely looks like a forced run up to an ultimate dance battle. Watch it only if you’re a diehard fan of dancing and love watching dance shows. Follow @htshowbiz for more Read the full article

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weekendwarriorblog · 4 years

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The Weekend Warrior’s Top 25 of 2019

This was such a good year for movies. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. The amount of good or great movies and the amount of variety among the better movies made it hard to know where to cut off my annual top 25 and to which movies to give “Honorable Mentions” instead. As has always been the case, I make an effort to see the better movies two or sometimes even three times before deciding where they place, and that was the case with most of the movies below.

There have been quite a few years where I haven’t rewarded a single movie a 10 out of 10, and this year, there are FOUR! Even so, 2019 will forever be known as the year I started to appreciate and even love the music of Elton John and George Michael, although only one of those movies made my list. Just a reminder that this is a list of my favorite movies of the year and it’s based solely on my own opinion. If you don’t like one of the movies on my list that’s fine – it’s your prerogative – but if there’s something you may have missed and you check it out based on inclusion here and you like it, then please let me know!

Also, if you just want to peruse everything that I wrote this year, you can find all of it at my Weekend Warrior Blog.

25. Wild Rose (NEON)

I’d be remiss if I ignored this wonderful film directed by Tom Harper that premiered at the Toronto Film Festival in 2018 but finally was released this year. It stars Jessie Buckley as a Glaswegian country singer, a single mother freshly released from prison who just can’t get her act together, even though she is a terrific singer with a real passion for country music. Buckley is such a revelation in the role, and I just loved the songs written for the movie, and I’m not even remotely a fan of country music. (So I guess that’s a third type of music I began to appreciate this year.)

24. Fighting with my Family (U.A. Releasing)

Another terrific and nearly forgotten film this year was this wrestling biopic about WWE superstar Paige, as played by Florence Pugh (she’s gotta be this year’s actor of the year, right?). Written and directed by Stephen Merchant and co-produced by Dwayne Johnson, Paige’s story really is pretty fantastic, as you follow her trying to make her way in the WWE where she’s nothing like the other women wrestlers. The movie was warm and funny and not at all what you’d expect from a WWE Films movie, but it’s definitely the studio’s finest work to date.

MY REVIEW

23. Plus One (RLJE Films)

One of the nicer surprises out of Tribeca this year was this twist on the rom-com by filmmakers Jeff Chan and Andrew Rhymer, starring Jack Quaid and Maya Erskine as two best friends who decide to attend all their weddings together to act as wingmen to help each other hook up. It’s a plan that works out well at first but starts to falter once they realize they might have feelings for each other. It’s classic rom-com territory but the movie is hilarious (Erskine is an absolute gem!) and you’re on board even when it goes to somewhat predicable places. (Some of the wedding speeches given by Jon Bass, Beck Bennett are particularly funny.) This is a movie that I’m bummed I haven’t had a chance to see a second or third time, as I’m sure it might be higher up on my year end list if I had.

22. Spider-Man: Far from Home (Sony)

You can’t argue when the fans are right but when Kevin Feige and Marvel Studios came on board to produce Spider-Man: Homecoming, it actually was pretty good and you had to have confidence they could make a sequel just as good or better. There was a lot to love about this one including the decision to take Spider-Man out of New York, which makes sense when you realize all the space-faring he’d been doing in Infinity War and Endgame. Then there was Jake Gyllenhaal as “Mysterio,” a fun and twisty take on the classic Spider-Man villain that also allowed director Jon Watts to play with some of the ideas introduced in Avengers: Endgame, while also giving Samuel Jackson’s Nick Fury more to do than he has in many movies. I can’t wait to see what Tom Holland’s Spider-Man gets up to next!

MY REVIEW

21. One Cut of the Dead (Shudder)

The Japanese META zombie movie that’s been winding its way through the genre festival circuit for most of the past year, it’s an amazing bit of mind-fuckery where you think it’s merely about a zombie attack on a low budget movie but as we learn after the first 30 minutes, there’s a lot more going on than what seems… and that’s about all I can say, because it’s the kind of movie that’s more amazing when you go in not knowing what’s happening. And yet, you probably should know that there’s a lot more going on since the first 30 minutes on their own aren’t very good.

20. The Irishman (Netflix)

Don’t get me wrong. I really liked and appreciated Martin Scorsese’s reunion with De Niro and Pesci, as well as their pairing with Al Pacino to tell the story of the man responsible for the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa, but just not as much as other movies. Granted, Scorsese continues to be one of the best filmmakers working today but it did feel like he and De Niro were returning to familiar and popular territory to try to claim back their cinematic throne. I guess it worked, because The Irishman is a great film, and heck, I’d watch it a thousand more times on Netflix if I didn’t have other things to watch.

MY REVIEW

19. Little Women (Sony)

I just wrote about Greta Gerwig’s adaptation of Louisa May Alcott last week, and I’m probably more surprised by most about how how much I loved this movie, maybe even more than Lady Bird. Those performances by Saoirse Ronan, Florence Pugh and Timothée Chalamet just makes this film so wonderful at times and heartbreaking at others. It’s always been a great story but Gerwig found an original way into it that made it a wonderful follow-up to Lady Bird.

18. Sword of Trust (IFC Films)

I’ve been a Lynn Shelton stan for a number of years now, mostly from Your Sister’s Sister, but I generally like much of her work, whether it’s all improvised like that one and Humpday, or scripted like her pairing with Jay Duplass for Outside In. This one was really special, as it paired her with her Glow star Marc Maron and a trio of really great actors to bounce off of, including Jillian Bell and Michaela Watkins (from the almost equally great Brittany Runs a Marathon), as well as Jon Bass. The interaction and improvisation between these four actors as they deal with a sword from the Civil War with a controversial past makes this one of Shelton’s more entertaining movies, deserving of its placement in my year-end list.

Thoughts from My Column

17. Good Boys (Universal)

You’ll notice that I have quite a few comedies on my Top 25 this year, and that shouldn’t be a surprise for anyone who has read my reviews over the years. I love comedies and I love to laugh, and this high concept comedy about three 6thgraders, one of them played by Jacob Tremblay, just cracked me up so much. No surprise that it’s from the mega-comedy-kings Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg, who produced this movie from the team of Gene Stupnitsky and Lee Eisenberg, who are best known for “The Office” and a number of not-so-great comedy hits like Bad Teacher. Like Booksmart (see below), this one involved a fairly simple all-in-day quest by the three main characters but it led to some absolutely hilarious situations. Totally reminded me of myself when I was their age. Can’t wait to see what Brady Noon and Keith L. Williams get up to next as they’re amazing.

16. Late Night (Amazon)

While Mindy Kaling’s feature film might have come out of the whole SJW virtue signaling movements that surfaced post-Trump, her movie loosely, based on her own experiences working on the staff at a late night show, was a beautifully insightful look into the business. It starred Emma Thompson as veteran late night host Katherine Newbury, who is forced into diversifying her writing crew by hiring the less-than-experienced Molly (Kaling’s character). Over the next few months, Molly tries to make her way through the ins and outs of writing for late night, dealing with sexism and even some racism, even from Newbury. Unlike the recent Bombshell, this is a comedy and both Kaling and Thompson were both terrific, to the point that it was a bummer that Amazon decided not to give this any sort of awards push by sending out screeners with some of their other movies.

MY REVIEW

15. Peterloo (Amazon)

While I’ve been a fan of filmmaker Mike Leigh almost as long as I’ve been writing about movies, I always seem to be in the minority when I’m not as into some of the movies my fellow critics love (like Mr. Turner), but this amazing movie about the political climate of England in the 16thCentury and the violence spurred on by a peaceful protest is an amazing bit of writing/directing by the British master. This is another movie that I wish got a lot more attention because the writing and cast were so good, and it just seemed to come and go without much fanfare. A real shame.

MY REVIEW

14. Once Upon a Time … in Hollywood (Sony)

I probably won’t have too much to add about Tarantino’s movie beyond my earlier review, but this is a movie that I liked quite a bit the first time and even more the second time I saw it. It’s just a fun portrait of Hollywood in 1969 through the eyes of a filmmaker who was six years old at the time. The performances by Leonardo DiCaprio, Brad Pitt and Margot Robbie drove this film about what it was like trying to make a living as an actor in the climate of the late ‘60s with peace and love… and brutal murder in the form of the Manson Family. And yet, Tarantino found a way to give the Sharon Tate story a happy ending. Go figure.

MY REVIEW

13. Pain and Glory (Sony Pictures Classics)

Pedro Amodovar has been a bit hit or miss in recent years, so seeing him reunite with his regulars Antonio Banderas and Penelope Cruz to write his best (and possibly most personal?) screenplay to date made Pain and Gloryone of the year’s nice surprises. Despite doing a lot of questionable movies in recent years, Banderas once again proved his worth as an actor, giving a performance as a has-been director that hopefully will get him his very first Oscar nomination.

12. First Love (Go West USA)

Another filmmaker whose work I’ve loved but who has also made some real dogs is Japan’s Takashi Miike. His latest take on the crime genre ended up being one of his best movies in twenty years. It may even be better than Audition, which celebrated its 20thanniversary this year. It’s a simple story of a young Japanese boxer who encounters a young woman who has been sold into sex slavery, but in helping her to escape, they get caught up in a gang war that includes some of the craziest characters to ever appear in a Miike movie. But as the title says, this is a love story more than anything, and that helped Miike prove that he has not gone soft, but still knows what it means to be human.

11. The Two Popes (Netflix)

I just wrote about this dramatic two-hander, written by Anthony McCarten and directed by Fernando Meirelles (City of God), last week, after putting it off for far too long. (It’s hard to get inspired to write reviews of movies when you’re not being paid to do so, let me tell you.) It’s an amazing film about the relationship between Popes Benedict and Francis, as played by Anthony Hopkins and Jonathan Pryce. While you wonder how McCarten researched a movie between two very private public figures, neither of whom have written about this meeting, this is another great film from Netflix this year that’s proving that the studio is not going away and it’s going to produce quality films as great as the big boys.

10. Avengers: Endgame (Marvel Studios)

It shouldn’t be too big a surprise that a Marvel movie has made my top 10, as there have been others, like last year’s Ant Man and the Wasp, Iron Man, Thor, Guardians of the Galaxy. Oddly, only one of the three Russo Brothers movies made my list – Captain America: The Winter Soldier – but with Avengers: Endgame, they managed to create a culmination of everything that’s come before but also made a Marvel movie that is the most like the Avengers comics I love, even to the point of having various members going off on their own missions. I’ve seen this movie three or four times now, and I still love some of the big moments like Captain America stating, “Avengers Assemble!” (finally) and this more than made up for Infinity War, which was good but not great.

9. Waves (A24)

A rather late addition to my year’s best is the new movie from Trey Edward Schutts, which delivered another amazing performance by Kelvin Harrison, Jr, who was also fantastic as the little-seen drama, Luce. The energy Schutts gives the movie with the use of music is fantastic, but it’s just an interesting character portrait that halfway through, throws you for a major loop before switching gears to follow the characters played by Lucas Hedges and the equally talented Taylor Russell. And then on top of that, you have Sterling K. Brown giving a moving performance as Harrison and Russell’s characters, who just doesn’t know how to deal with what’s going on with his family. There have been some great teen coming-of-age dramas over the years but Waves is one for the ages.

8. Book Smart (UA Releasing)

Olivia Wilde’s directorial debut has been compared both favorably (and sometimes unfavorably) to a female Superbad, but I think a better comparison would be a modern-day Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Like Good Boys, it was a single night movie where two best friends (Beanie Feldstein, Kaitly Dever) decide to spend their last night in high school rebelling against their overly studios nature by going out to a party and have fun. What happens to them and the crazy characters they interact with makes this one of the funniest movies of the year. What was really amazing, besides the entire cast, was that I could watch this movie and see stuff that would have happened in my own high school days (which was more in the Ridgemont High days), and to see that high school just doesn’t change despite the technology and all the different standards and morals that come along. Wilde is one filmmaker who I can’t wait to see what she does next and same for her entire cast. I’ve been saying since seeing this that I’d love to see Wilde do another movie with the exact same cast, all of them playing different characters, as I think we’ll see that these actors can do anything.

7. Yesterday (Universal)

Here’s a surprise for you all, but again, if you realize how many Danny Boyle movies have been in my top 10 over the years, you’ll know what a big fan I am of the Oscar-winning filmmaker. Teaming him with Richard Curtis for a high concept comedy where the world has forgotten the Beatles’ music and a young busker named Jack (Himesh Patel) who remembers them starts to make a career for himself by claiming the music as his own. I loved the lead, but it was especially his friendship/romance with Lily James’ Ellie Appleton that made me love this movie enough to put it in my top 10.

6. Marriage Story (Netflix)

While I really appreciated Noah Baumbach’s latest movie quite a bit when I first saw it at the New York Film Festival back in September, it was my rewatch on Netflix more recently that really made me appreciate what Baumbach has accomplished after nearly twenty years making movies. Granted, the movie might be seen as a bit of a downer, but you know what? Sometimes, I have to even out all the laughs and humor with something more serious. Having a friend who went through a (far less litigious) divorce with a small child, I couldn’t help but thinking how much worse it could have been. As much as this was about Adam Driver and Scarlett Johansson’s characters and the change in their relationship, it was a good lesson in how ugly things can get when lawyers get involved with Baumbach having a powerful trio in Laura Dern, Ray Liotta and the wonderful Alan Alda in those roles. This created a beautiful bookend to Baumbach’s earlier film The Squid and The Whale, based on his parents’ divorce, but this didn’t seem autobiographical as much as it showed the work of a mature filmmaker who has created his most personal and best work.

5. Knives Out (Lionsgate)

Speaking of dysfunctional family relationships, Rian Johnson’s look at the death of a wealthy mystery author’s (played by Christopher Plummer) and how his greedy family might be responsible, as investigated by Daniel Craig’s “gentleman detective” Benoit Blanc and the author’s maid, played by Ana de Armas. Besides putting a clever a spin on the ensemble whodunnit typified by the work of Agatha Christie and others, the movie was insanely funny thanks to the cast assembled by Johnson, which was literally an all-star team doing some of their funniest work. Really, there wasn’t a weak link in delivering Johnson’s best screenplay to date, and I look forward to seeing if we’ll get another movie in this realm. As with most of the movies in my Top 10, this is a movie I could see repeatedly and get more out of each time.

MY REVIEW

4. Rocketman (Paramount)

And here it is, the Elton John movie that made me a fan of Elton John’s music after nearly 40 years of mostly shunning it. What director Dexter Fletcher and star Taron Egerton did in telling John’s story though his music, essentially creating an original jukebox musical on screen was the perfect way to frame the music and story. A lot of people compared this to last year’s Bohemian Rhapsody– which I also liked, mind you – but however much work Fletcher did to finish that movie after Bryan Singer’s firing, this was clearly something he had a clear vision of from beginning to end. This is one of the few movies I’ve seen this year three times, and I’ve been going down the Elton John rabbit hole of music ever since.

MY REVIEW

3. Ford v Ferrari (20thCentury Fox)

When I reviewed James Mangold’s Le Mans racing movie, starring Christian Bale and Matt Damon, back in October, I gave it a 9.5/10, and then I saw it again in IMAX and for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why I took off half a point. The movie is just about perfect. This is such a great story and the way the action is framed by the relationship between the former’s Ken Miles and the latter’s Carol Shellby with all the other players in the mix just made the movie one that was extremely watchable. And boy, those racing scenes! I haven’t seen action that exciting in years and that includes some of the best recent action movies, including Baby Driver and some of the “Fast and Furious” movies.

MY REVIEW

2. 1917 (Universal)

This was almost my #1 because it’s such a masterful achievement in all aspects of filmmaking that it also earned a rare 10 out of 10. Granted, I’ve been a Sam Mendes fan for many, many years, and he probably has had a few movies in my top 25 over the years, most notably with his second film, The Road to Perdition, which was actually my #1 movie that year. I’ve generally followed Mendes’ career with interest with only one or two movies just not working for me, but with just eight movies in 20 years, it’s amazing that it took that long for Mendes to be back in the Oscar conversation after winning for American Beauty. Frankly, I think this is unequivocally one of the best movies of the year between the screenplay, co-written with Kristy Wilson-Cairns, and the performances by George MacKay and Dean-Charles Chapman, making it a movie that’s a wonder to marvel at how they achieved such a powerful cinematic experience to behold.

MY REVIEW

1b. The Biggest Little Farm (NEON)

As with every year, I like to pick one documentary as my favorite and best of the year, but instead of deciding where it fares among the narrative features, I just make it a tie for #1. My favorite doc of the year was John Chester’s movie about show he and his wife Molly decided to move out to a farm and try to get it work fiscally despite tons of issues, some they could control, others they couldn’t. While I also liked Apollo 11, and I’m sure that will win the Oscar, the way Chester told this story was done in such a wonderful way that it was far more enjoyable and entertaining than most docs. (And as you know, I do LOVE docs!)

1a. The Farewell (A24)

This should come as no surprise to anyone who has followed me on Twitter, where Lulu Wang’s China-set dramedy has been my profile picture almost since I first saw it in June – I’ve seen it three more times since then, each then having the same emotional reaction. Based on a story from Wang’s own life, it stars Awkwafina as Billi a poor starving New York artist who travels to China when she learns her Nana (the terrific Chinese veteran actor Shuzhen Zhao) was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Her family has decided not to tell Nana that she may be dying, but they all return to Mainland China under the guise of a wedding for Billi’s cousin, but she knows the truth and has to skirt around while trying to spend possibly her last time with her beloved Nana. The movie was emotional but also quite amusing and entertaining, really showing what life in China is like in a way that was far more personal and human than last year’s Crazy Rich Asians i.e. that was more fantasy than this movie’s reality.

Some More Thoughts

Honorable Mentions: Motherless Brooklyn, Les Miserables, Honey Boy, Long Shot, Toy Story 4, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker (As I said above, it was tough to leave a couple of these out of my top 25.)

Top 12 Docs

Not going to write too much about all of these but this was a pretty fantastic year for docs, and if you have a chance to watch any of the below, I would jump on it, especially since some of them barely got a theatrical release.

1. The Biggest Little Farm

2. Apollo 11

3. The Cave

4. WRESTLE

5. Linda Ronstadt: The Sound of My Voice

6. Marianne and Leonard: Words of Love

7. Toni Morrison: The Pieces I Am

8. 63 Up

9. Agnès on Varda

10. One Child Nation

11. Be Natural: The Untold Story of Alice Guy

12. Love, Antosha

I used to do a TERRIBLE 25 as a separate thing, but this year, I’m just going to list six movies, although a few of these I saw so long ago, I barely remember why they sucked so bad.

In fact, Jeffrey Nachmanoff’s REPLICAS was one of the first movies released in 2019 picked up by Entertainment Studios from TIFF the year before. It’s funny how much love Keanu Reeves got this year for John Wick: Chapter Three and other stuff, but everyone seemed to completely forget that he started the year with this stupid high concept sci-fi thriller about a man obsessed with bringing his family back from the dead.

Also, not many people saw Joe Chappelle’s AN ACCEPTABLE LOSS, which opened just a week after Replicas, but it was a political thriller starring Jamie Lee Curtis and Tika Sumpter that was so poorly written and so boring that I felt bad for Sumpter, who was giving her all.

I probably have said as much as much about Tom Hooper’s CATS as I plan to – you can read my review over at The Beat– but it’s also the most recent of this year’s bad movies, so it’s the freshest on my mind on how awful it was. I’m not going to pile on any further.

It’s been a while since I saw Tim Story’s SHAFT sequel/reboot, and as excited I was to see Samuel L. Jackson and Richard Roundtree back in the role, it’s Jessie T. Usher’s presence as John Shaft, Jr, meant to be the main running gag of the action-comedy that made it one of the worst movies of the year.

Another remake that really didn’t need to happen was this Neil Marshall remake of HELLBOY, and sure, maybe I was a bit biased, having loved Guillermo del Toro’s movies, particularly Hellboy: The Golden Army, but this just wasn’t a good movie as hard as it seemed to try. (You can read my review of that here.)

And yet, that wasn’t even the worst movie of the year. No, that would be Rob Zombie’s 3 FROM HELL, a movie so abhorrible that I couldn’t believe what I was watching. I called it the “worst movie of the year” back in September, and that sentiment didn’t change.

Before we wrap things up, here are some of my favorite records of the year. You may have heard of a few of them. Maybe not others? Most of them should be on Spotify.

1. Smiley’s Friends - In the Sixth Sense

2. Kevin So - S.O.U.L.

3. Pixies - Beyond the Eire

4. The Alarm - Sigma

5. Silversun Pickups - Widow’s Weeds

Best concert of the year? Easy one. Dave Mason’s Saucerful of Secrets with my buddy Jonathan Baylis when former Pink Floyd frontman Roger Waters shows up to perform one of the classic Pink Floyd songs! Possibly one of the best concert moments of the last couple decades!

That’s it for 2019... onto 2020!

#WeekendWarrior Top25Of2019 Movies Reviews

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britesparc · 6 years

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My Justice League, by Me

I've never really been one to write fan-fiction, not since I was a kid and I used to make dozens of Transformers comics. But one thing I did used to do quite a bit – which is obviously fan-fiction – was write synopses, outlines, and treatments for film or TV adaptations of my favourite properties (this was about 10-15 years ago; I don't really have the time nowadays as I'm trying to write my own original stuff). I think I thought, however unlikely, that maybe one day I'd be in a position to pitch for them, and I wanted to be prepared; and, indeed, I'd be lying if I said I didn’t still harbour some faint hope of one day being in a similar position, even if I don't genuinely think I'll ever get a crack at a big superhero or sci-fi movie or anything like that.

One thing I wrote – back when the prequels were still coming out – was a treatment for a whole new Star Wars trilogy, my own Episodes VII, VIII, and IX. I know the first one was going to be called The Ancient Fear and the last one The War of the Jedi, but I can't remember what I'd named Episode VIII; I do remember I was trying to avoid "The Adjective of the Noun" type titles and go with something similar to The Empire Strikes Back, but I just can't recall what I'd decided - something like The Broken Prophecy I think. Anyway, I might write more about these some day. I also wrote a very detailed outline for a Star Wars mini-series, but I'm not saying anything about that at all, in case I do ever get a shot at pitching any kind of Star Wars story (novel, comic, game, whatever).

Something else I wrote – and I'm pretty sure this pre-dates the Marvel Cinematic Universe – was a detailed plan for a Batman/Superman team-up movie. Indeed, it was designed to serve explicitly as a jumping-off point for a wider shared universe; I think I was inspired by the release of Superman Returns and Batman Begins and just wanted the two heroes to share a universe (it might have been even earlier and inspired more by the Justice League cartoon). So here I present, mostly from memory as I can't seem to find my original documents, a very brief summation of Young David's DCEU.

World's Finest: the ideas for this one were the most fleshed-out. It was set about a year into the careers of Batman and Superman. In brief, the plot centred around Luthor attempting to prove that Superman was dangerous and that he was the real hero. In doing so, he ends up creating Parasite (who proved a physical threat to Superman) and also releasing Joker from Arkham, to stage a bit of chaos (Joker's doctor, Harleen Quinzel, is taken hostage at the same time and essentially "becomes" Harley Quinn over the course of the film, although she never donned the costume or fell in a vat of acid or anything). The basic idea was that the film was a buddy-cop movie: Superman was open-hearted but very by-the-book, Batman was caustic, sarcastic, and all about the end result. They never have a physical fight in the film at all, but ideologically they're on different sides until the end of the second act, when Supes realises that Batman is far more of a hero than a vigilante, and Bats realises that he can't win this fight alone and his way isn't always the only way. At the end, they form a loose partnership; the Joker is back in Arkham, Parasite is locked away in STAR Labs, and Luthor is halfway to being ruined politically and financially (although still free as they couldn't pin anything on him).

World's Finest: Trinity: the sequel brought Wonder Woman into the mix. This film was a bit less well-planned. I'm going to try to be honest about my ideas, although in retrospect I think they're a bit "male gaze-y"; not that the film was salacious, but the idea of a "battle of the sexes", however it was framed, is absolutely not something I'd do nowadays, and I disagree with its interpretation of the Amazons. I was inspired by the comics I was reading, and at the time I viewed them as warriors first and foremost, and often quite anti-male. Anyway, the basic idea is that the Amazons start invading and attacking/assassinating prominent (male) figures. But this new character, dubbed "Wonder Woman" by the press, turns up to protect them. Supes & Bats attempt to find out who she is, who these "Amazons" are, and why they're attacking. Bruce has to get a bodyguard, and is assigned one Diana Prince – you see where this is going. Catwoman, Zatanna, and Poison Ivy were all in it. It is revealed ultimately that Circe had bewitched Hippolyta and Diana had been banished for opposing her mother, but at the end the villain is defeated, peace is restored, Diana officially becomes Wonder Woman and remains in the world at large. I still think, broadly, the plot works, but introducing Diana as an adjunct to Batman and Superman rings a bit false to me nowadays, as does introducing the Amazons as enemies (even if ultimately they're redeemed by the finale). Like I said, it's not the plot I'd write today.

World's Finest: Justice: The final part in the "trilogy" so to speak was – naturally – a Justice League movie. Now, by this point, I anticipated having a Green Lantern origin movie, and possibly Flash too, so these characters wouldn't be brand-new or introduced here. This film I'd planned the least; the villain was actually Mongul, who was (I believe) using his "Warworld" (which was a Death Star-like space station bristling with armaments) to conquer earth and build a slave army (I think his ultimate aim was either to defend himself against Darkseid, or win favour by providing him with an army; I forget). He may have used Starros to enslave the populace, I can't quite remember. It was Martian Manhunter who united the League (this was conceived in the days before Cyborg replaced J'onn as a founding member). Robin was in the film – I may have planned for there to be a Batman & Robin movie in between this and Trinity – and played a crucial role in the film's climax, freeing the League when they were all captured. I'm trying to remember who was actually in the League; Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Flash, and Martian Manhunter for certain; I think I may have skipped Aquaman; I'm pretty sure I wanted another female character but I'm not sure who I went for – Zatanna, I think, as she was introduced in the previous film and I always like having a magic-user on the team. As a nod to a wider universe or sequel-bait, it was firmly established at the end that there was a worse threat than Mongul – specifically Darkseid, who was turning his attention to Earth.

So there we go. I had, naturally, planned further – I know that I envisioned a kind of two-part Justice League sequel (I think called Justice League of America and Justice League Unlimited) which was all about Darkseid’s invasion, with a cliffhanger at the end of “episode one” where Superman is apparently killed, and his resurrection being a significant plot point in “episode two”.

Now at the time of writing I’ve still not seen Justice League. I’ve read some reviews and I know it’s not very highly thought-of. That’s disappointing. I don’t know if my ideas are any better; certainly, apart from some concepts from my first World’s Finest plot, I’m not sure I’m awfully fond of most of it myself anymore. I’m not even sure why I’m posting this at all, but I guess sometimes you have stuff that you’re thinking of and it’s kinda nice to get it off your chest. And, for me personally, it’s fun to imagine an alternate universe where a Batman and Superman team-up movie was more optimistic action and sardonic comedy than people miserably shouting the word “Martha” in the rain.

#justice league #fan fiction #dc comics #movies

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lostsoulwolf · 7 years

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A Gig with A Skeleton

Here’s a little short story I made the night before based on an idea given to me by @thedragonlover, who is my irl best friend and who also helps to inspire me to get off my lazy ass to write when I feel down.

Thank you for the support, my dear! Don’t know what I’d do without you <3

“I-I don’t think I should do this, Steph. Really, I can’t.”

“Don’t be such a scaredy cat, Mikaela!” The young rabbit teased, jabbing the side of a very flustered wolf as they stood before the home of the famous (sometimes infamous) skeleton brothers of Snowdin.

Scowling at the obvious jab, the black furred monster found herself glancing at the doorbell anxiously. “Seriously, he’s looking for real talent. Not for someone who has no experience and can only sing when no one’s looking. Steph, I literally can’t do this!”

But it was too late.

A quick rap and the sound of heavy feet echoed in her pointed ears; she watched as her friend ran off with a shout of luck. Before she could even think to chase after her, the door opened to reveal a tall monster with a wide grin. “Oh! You must be here to audition! Sans will be so happy to see someone! You’re the first to show up!” he cheered, taking her shoulder and guiding her inside.

It took his firm grip to keep from tripping on the doorstep but Mikaela recovered as gracefully as she could, even wiping her pads off on the doormat just inside since their porch one was coated in snow. A quick glance around let her see the rather simple abode they called a home, not at all what the others guessed of the mysterious skeletons. They didn’t really have a history with the town but just sort of showed up one day, according to Steph’s mother who ran the inn just down the way. She recalled the story but never had the guts to talk to one of them about it. No one did.

Clearing her throat, finally finding her voice, the wolf scratched the back of her head. “S-Sorry to drop by. My friend thought it would be a good idea b-but I really think I should go. I mean--”

“You aren’t even going to give it a shot?”

The low baritone caught her off guard, yelping softly to find the shorter skeleton coming down the stairs with his hands casually shoved in his pockets. Permagrin as wide as ever, he approached and offered a handshake in greeting; oddly enough, no prank in sight.

Yes, this Sans was known for his jokes and practical pranks on most everyone. She, herself, had been lucky enough to avoid this but how was a mystery.

“Come on, throw me a bone here. Don’t leave me hanging.” he teased, brow bones wriggling in jest.

While the pun was insufferable, Mikaela took the extended palm with her own and gave it a firm squeeze. “I don’t think it’ll be anything but humerus to you but I’ll try, I guess…” she offered, earning a pleased snort from the male. His brother was less than enthused at the word play.

“Ugh! Honestly!” he shouted, storming off into the kitchen to let his brother have the pleasure of keeping the wolf company.

“Uh, did I do something?”

Waving off her concern, Sans shrugged. “Nah, he just doesn’t find jokes very punny, you know?”

Rolling her eyes, the canine followed his gesture and they headed back outside. With a turn to the left and the flick of a lock, they entered the spare shed beside the house where an acoustic guitar case, microphone, and stand were awaiting them.

“What do you play?”

His sudden question caught her wandering attention back onto him, glad that her dark fur shrouded any blush that heated her muzzle. “O-Oh, I don’t.” she amended, thinking that maybe saying what she did would have been a good start to this. “I sing, actually…”

It was then that she noticed how delicately he picked up the guitar, easily flicking the strap over his head to let it hang comfortably against his front and tuned it to his liking. “Singing, huh? Any favorites?”

She blinked. “Uh, well… I don’t really have a preference. I don’t really even sing around others but my friend has caught me once or twice and dragged me here.”

He stopped, pinpricks of light slanting over and making her feel small. “So, you didn’t come because you wanted to?”

“W-well, I wouldn’t say it like that--”

“I would.”

Mikaela hunched her shoulders, biting her lip. Shifting her stance proved to be more awkward than she imagined and nearly had her falling over, instead opting to scratch her forearm. “I do want to be here. It’s just…” A sigh. “I get nervous singing for others because I’m afraid of what they’ll think of me. I mean, my parents are part of the Royal Guard and I do what? Sing because it makes me feel good? Heh, what a joke.”

Sans studied her for a good two minutes, the silence deafening. Then, he too sighed. “I’m in the same boat, you know? My bro wants to do that and my lazy bones? Heh, I just wanna sit around and crack puns day and night.”

When he earned a look, he continued. “Everyone’s good at somethin’ and it doesn’t matter what others think of ya. Heck, it doesn’t matter what your parents do or anything. Just, do you. Get me?”

Blue eyes lowered from his form in thought, head turned as claws tapped against the hardwood floor of the shed. Then, with a flash of what he could only describe as determination in her eyes, she smiled.

“Alright, I’ll give it a shot.”

“Heh, that’s the spirit. Now that we’ve mutt-stered the courage, let’s get this show on the snow.”

A groan. “Are bad puns part of the gig?”

“Nah, just an added bonus~” he teased, strumming out a harmonious G chord. “Now, let’s hear those scales.”

Mikaela couldn’t believe this! Barely a day went by before she received a call from Sans to tell her that the spot was hers. While it was sad to hear that no one else even bothered to show up, she was thrilled yet terrified. Their first show together?

Grillby’s.

She knew most every monster in Snowdin since moving here on her own and just thinking about singing in front of them tied her stomach in knots. A glance to her partner only showed her his calm smile as they walked, carrying their equipment to the bar.

“Nervous?”

A blink. “Maybe a little… Why?”

“Because you haven’t stopped shaking since we left the house.” Sans mentioned, eyeing her hand for only a moment without changing stride. He used to perform to entertain his brother many times so he had plenty of trial-runs with an audience but just based on their practice, he knew it’d be off to a rocky start.

Mikaela tried hard to stave her nerves, swallowing to ease her words into existence. “This is my first time singing in public, you know… Actually, you’re the first person I ever willingly sang for. Not even my parents have heard me.” She nearly tripped at this admittance, running her paw through her fur to calm herself and play it off. “A-anyway, I just hope it won’t be too busy on a Thursday. It’s usually not, from what I remember, so maybe it won’t be so bad.”

Upon opening the door, she was proven wrong.

Nearly every booth was taken up by monsters of all kinds, ranging from the local dogs who acted as sentry for humans to the fang-lined flytrap who lived just north of the main street. Why in the world was it so packed?!

Ignoring how that thought alone was a pun, the wolf jolted when a hand touched hers and pulled it back to see Sans standing beside her. “Hey, lighten up, bucko. It’ll be fine. Grillbz just thought some music would drum up some business.” He bent his knees to avoid a whack to his head.

“Let’s just… get this over with.”

It took only ten minutes for the two of them to set up the mic stand, speaker, and stool for the show. They were a small gig and while Grillby didn’t seem to be actually paying them, he did offer to cover any kind of drinks they might need while performing.

Once the elemental left them to last moment prep before they began, allowing them access to his back room to warm up vocally, Mikaela sighed. “So, remind me again why we are doing this?” She cleared her throat, thinking that rephrasing might be in order. “Usually, when people are asked to perform, they’re paid but we’re not. What’s going on?”

“It’s simpler payment for something else.”

“Like his tab.”

Sans was the one to jump when Grillby came back, adjusting his glasses to appraise the two.

“He hasn’t paid in a long time so this was a better alternative.” Getting a nod from the wolf, he approached with a smile as he bent low towards her ear to keep the skeleton from overhearing. “After all, more business covers his tab.”

Then, she understood. It was make-up performances that kept their dynamic from sinking or turning nasty. Huh, the majesty of business at its finest.

Standing to his full height, his flames brushed back neatly and bowtie adjusted, the bartender merely patted Sans on the head before leaving them be again. Seemed like he had his fun.

A laugh came from Mikaela from the whole ordeal, for once finding comedy in the face of anxiety.

“What’s got you in stitches?”

“Just the idea of you drinking yourself into debt and the only way to pay it back is by performing for the guy.”

There was a pause before the male laughed as well, seeing the light as she did. “Heh, guess you’re right.” he agreed. Now that he thought about it, that was a strange little set up they had between them. But, he was glad that his new partner had finally loosened up enough to laugh. “Alright, it’s showtime. You ready to huff, puff, and blow them away~?”

Giving him a light shove, the canine rolled her eyes. “Only if you’re ready to knock ‘em dead, bonehead.” When she saw him color at the jab, she snickered and walked ahead of him. “Come on, numbskull. Try to keep up.”

On the inside, she was screaming for a way out.

Exiting the back room, her partner not far behind, the black-furred monster licked her lips in anxiety. The patrons were just talking among themselves and yet, she felt like all eyes were on her. Heart racing in her chest, she nearly turned to run but a hand to her shoulder kept her planted in place.

Blue eyes honed in on lit sockets and Sans’ permagrin kept her grounded. He gave a firm nod and took his seat on the stool, guitar now strapped to his shoulder. Fiddling with the tuning pegs, he found the right sound with a simple strum of the strings.

With a leg hitched up on the top rung of his stall, the skeleton let the waist of his instrument curve along his femur and plucked at the chords rhythmically. He really was adept at his craft, which was odd given how lazy she had heard him to be. But, maybe music was the perfect outlet for him.

They often say that if you’re good at something, it takes no effort other than practice to accomplish what you love; hence the saying “you never work a day in your life if you do what you enjoy.”

The young woman had always wanted that kind of life, to savor her job like her parents did, but never could seem to find her calling.

Maybe this was a step in the right direction.

She was snapped from her thoughts when Grillby came up next to her with a few song requests, the handwriting varying from option to option. “I had asked some of my regulars what they would want to hear. Most, if not all, are not in the jukebox so I hope you know some of them.” he explained.

While some were an enigma to her, there was one in particular that did suit her fancy though was a bit embarrassing to sing. “I’ll try my best. Thanks for the heads up.”

Once alone, Mikaela swallowed and showed Sans the list. “Know any of them?”

Eye sockets judged the paper before they paused at an item about midway down the list, pointing to it. “Just that one. Paps liked how sweet it sounded and had me play it for him since he was just a babybones.”

Of course, it was the one she liked as well. Figures…

“Well, I guess we have to do that one.”

“Why, you know it?”

She shrugged with a bite of her lip. “What can I say? I’m a hopeless romantic with an attitude that doesn’t match.” When he laughed, she pouted as her tail bristled. “Hey! Just… Just start it up.”

He obliged and before long, the entire bar went quiet as his nimble fingers strummed the chords effortlessly; his sockets closed and smile turning more gentle. Then, his teeth parted as he sang his first verse.

Mikaela watched as everyone was entranced by his performance, the low baritone warm and enticing to whomever it may be directed to. Though, she did almost miss her mark when he opened his eyes to cue their switch.

Swallowing her nerves, her higher pitch took over for a more intimate echo as the song took on a longing vibe rather than a solemn one. Her voice dipped low every so often to keep it unique but she didn’t stray too far from the source itself; staying in tune with his guitar riffs was rather easy to do so long as she focused on Sans instead of the crowd.

Any time her eyes drifted to the patrons, her heart would race and her hand would grip the mic tightly as she’d close her eyes in fear. Only until they’d get to a part of the chorus to harmonize would she reopen them again to gaze at her partner for stability. He’d offer a reassuring smile and she’d give a shaky one in return.

By the final chorus that lead into the ending chord, they had gotten to be so in-sync with one another that both had nearly forgotten they were in a busy restaurant. It was then that their finale came and the last note left their mouths did the cheers of the monsters jarr their gazes to look out over the sea of people.

Mikaela blinked owlishly, unsure of just how they got through that without so much as a single screw up but a playful hit to her shoulder got her to smile with a few murmurs of thanks. With her tail wagging, she looked to her partner.

Sans gave a mock bow to her with a smile, his teeth connected once more. “I’d say this place has gone to the dogs~” he teased, unrepentant grin as casual as always.

The joke didn’t go without a swat to his skull but it was more playful than anything else. “You suck, you know that? And I’m a wolf, thank you very much.”

“Oh, higher pedigree. My mistake.”

She worked her jaw but was foiled from making a comeback when Grillby approached, congratulating them on a wonderful performance. Though, his next words both elated and terrified her.

“So, what’s the next song?”

#howler #writing nonsense #Undertale #soulwolf writes

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papermoonloveslucy · 3 years

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100 ARTISTS & ENTERTAINERS OF THE CENTURY

June 8, 1998

Lucille Ball was one of the figures chosen to appear on the cover of Time Magazine’s June 8, 1998 issue celebrating the top 100 artists and entertainers of the century. In a drawing by Al Hirschfeld, Ball shares the cover with filmmaker Stephen Spielberg, musician Bob Dylan, and artist Pablo Picasso.

In the table of contents page, there is a photo of Lucille Ball, and her article is listed below Rodgers and Hammerstein, names that were frequently mentioned on “I Love Lucy.” Also mentioned was Frank Sinatra, Marlon Brando, and Charlie Chaplin, who Lucy embodied on several occasions.

LUCILLE BALL: The TV Star

The first lady of comedy brought us laughter as well as emotional truth. No wonder everybody loved Lucy

By Richard Zoglin

It happened somewhere between the clunky premier episode (”Lucy Thinks Ricky Is Trying to Murder Her”) and her first classic routine, the Vitameatavegamin commercial, in which Lucy gets steadily soused as she keeps downing spoonfuls of the alcohol-laced potion she's trying to hawk on TV. (Watch the spasm that jolts her face when she gets her first taste of the foul brew; it could serve as a textbook for comics well into the next millennium.) "I Love Lucy” debuted on CBS in October 1951, but at first it looked little different from other domestic comedies that were starting to make the move from radio to TV, like “My Favorite Husband”, the radio show Ball had co-starred in for three years. Lucy Ricardo was, in those early “I Love Lucy” episodes, just a generic daffy housewife. Ethel (Vivian Vance), her neighbor and landlady, was a stock busybody. Desi Arnaz, as bandleader Ricky Ricardo, hadn't yet become one of the finest straight men in TV history. William Frawley, as Fred Mertz, seemed a Hollywood has-been in search of work, which he was.

Then magic struck. Guided by Ball's comic brilliance, the show developed the shape and depth of great comedy. Lucy's quirks and foibles -- her craving to be in show biz, her crazy schemes that always backfired, the constant fights with the Mertzes -- became as particularized and familiar as the face across the dinner table. For four out of its six seasons (only six!), “I Love Lucy” was the No. 1-rated show on television; at its peak, in 1952-53, it averaged an incredible 67.3 rating, meaning that on a typical Monday night, more than two-thirds of all homes with TV sets were tuned to Lucy.

Ball's dizzy redhead with the elastic face and saucer eyes was the model for scores of comic TV females to follow. She and her show, moreover, helped define a still nascent medium. Before “I Love Lucy”, TV was feeling its way, adapting forms from other media. Live TV drama was an outgrowth of Broadway theater; game shows were transplanted from radio; variety shows and early comedy stars like Milton Berle came out of vaudeville. “I Love Lucy” was unmistakably a television show, and Ball the perfect star for the small screen. "I look like everybody's idea of an actress," she once said, "but I feel like a housewife." Sid Caesar and Jackie Gleason were big men with larger-than-life personas; Lucy was one of us.

She grew up in Jamestown, N.Y., where her father, an electrician, died when she was just three. (1) At 15 she began making forays to New York City to try to break into show business. She had little luck as an actress but worked as a model before moving to Hollywood in 1933 for a part in the chorus of “Roman Scandals”. Strikingly pretty, with chestnut hair dyed blond (until MGM hairdressers, seeking a more distinctive look, turned it red in 1942), she landed bit parts in B movies and moved up to classy fare like “Stage Door”, in which she held her own with Katharine Hepburn and Ginger Rogers.

Buster Keaton, the great silent clown working as a consultant at MGM, recognized her comic gifts and worked with her on stunts. She got a few chances to show off her talent in films like “Du Barry Was a Lady” (with Red Skelton) and “Fancy Pants” (with Bob Hope) but never broke through to the top. By the end of the 1940s, with Ball approaching 40, her movie career was all but finished.

It was her husband Desi -- a Cuban bandleader she married shortly after they met on the set of “Too Many Girls” in 1940 -- who urged her to try television. CBS was interested in Ball, but not in the fellow with the pronounced Spanish accent she wanted to play her husband. To prove that the audience would accept them as a couple, Lucy and Desi cooked up a vaudeville act and took it on tour. It got rave reviews ("a sock new act," said Variety), and CBS relented.

But there were other haggles. Lucy and Desi wanted to shoot the show in Hollywood, rather than in New York City, where most TV was then being done. And for better quality, they insisted on shooting on film, rather than doing it live and recording on kinescope. CBS balked at the extra cost; the couple agreed to take a salary cut in return for full ownership of the program. It was a shrewd business decision: “I Love Lucy” was the launching pad for Desilu Productions, which (with other shows, like “Our Miss Brooks” and “The Untouchables”) became one of TV's most successful independent producers, before Paramount bought it in 1967.

Today “I Love Lucy”, with its farcical plots, broad physical humor and unliberated picture of marriage, is sometimes dismissed as a relic. Yet the show has the timeless perfection of a crystal goblet. For all its comic hyperbole, Lucy explored universal themes: the tensions of married life, the clash between career and home, the meaning of loyalty and friendship. The series also reflected most of the decade's important social trends. The Ricardos made their contribution to the baby boom in January 1953 -- TV's Little Ricky was born on the same day that Ball gave birth, by caesarean, to her second child, Desi Jr. (A daughter, Lucie, had been born in 1951.) They traveled to California just as the nation was turning west, in a hilarious series of shows that epitomized our conception of --and obsession with -- Hollywood glamour. And when the nation began moving to the suburbs, so too, in their last season, did the Ricardos.

Ball was a lithe and inventive physical comedian, and her famous slapstick bits -- trying to keep up with a candy assembly line, stomping grapes in an Italian wine vat -- were justly celebrated. But she was far more than a clown. Her mobile face could register a whole dictionary of emotions; her comic timing was unmatched; her devotion to the truth of her character never flagged. She was a tireless perfectionist. For one scene in which she needed to pop a paper bag, she spent three hours testing bags to make sure she got the right size and sound.

Most of all, I Love Lucy was grounded in emotional honesty. Though the couple had a tempestuous marriage off-screen (Desi was an unrepentant philanderer), the Ricardos' kisses showed the spark of real attraction. In the episode where Lucy finds out she is pregnant, she can't break the news to Ricky because he is too busy. Finally, she takes a table at his nightclub show and passes him an anonymous note asking that he sing a song, “We're Having a Baby”, to the father-to-be. As Ricky roams the room looking for the happy couple, he spies Lucy and moves on. Then he does a heartrending double take, glides to his knees and asks, voice cracking, whether it's true. Finishing the scene together onstage, the couple are overcome by the real emotion of their own impending baby. Director William Asher, dismayed by the unrehearsed tears, even shot a second, more upbeat take. Luckily he used the first one; it's the most touching moment in sitcom history.

Tired of the grind of a weekly series, Lucy and Desi ended “I Love Lucy” in 1957, when it was still No. 1. For three more years, they did hourlong specials, then broke up the act for good when they divorced in 1960. Ball returned to TV with two other popular (if less satisfying) TV series, “The Lucy Show” and “Here's Lucy”; made a few more movies (starring in “Mame” in 1974); and attempted a final comeback in the 1986 ABC sitcom “Life with Lucy”, which lasted an ignominious eight weeks. But “I Love Lucy” lives on in reruns around the world, an endless loop of laughter and a reminder of the woman who helped make TV a habit, and an art.

TIME senior writer Richard Zoglin still watches “I Love Lucy” reruns each day at 9 a.m.

(1) Ball’s father did not die in Jamestown, New York. He died in Wyandotte, Michigan, while on assignment for Bell Telephone.

Some editions of the issue had an overlay cover that completely blocked Lucy from view! She is not even mentioned in the text on the overlay!

#Time Magazine #Lucille Ball #1998 #Bob Dylan #Pablo Picasso #stephen spielberg #Al Hirschfeld

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mixtapekings · 4 years

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Listen Review of Freddie Gibbs & The Alchemist’s ‘Alfredo’ by djbooth.net

“…brass knuckle lyricism.”

Freddie Gibbs could teach a masterclass on consistency in hip-hop. After spending the better part of the last decade dominating all kinds of production, from chipmunk soul to aggressive trap, the 37-year-old turned into one of the best technical rappers in the business.

Freddie’s newly released album, Alfredo, is produced entirely by The Alchemist, who also produced Fetti, his 2018 collaborative album with Curren$y. With features from Rick Ross, Benny The Butcher, Conway the Machine, and Tyler, The Creator, Alfredo is a welcome surprise.

If Freddie Gibbs continues his streak as one of hip-hop’s most consistent lyricists, Alfredo could be one of the most-talked-about albums of 2020.

In usual 1-Listen album review fashion, the rules are the same: no skipping, no fast-forwarding, no rewinding, and no stopping. Each song will receive my gut reaction from start to finish.

1. “1985”

Bernie Mac! It’s a good day to rewatch The Original Kings of Comedy. The production is majestic. These guitar riffs are dripping in gold. Here’s Gibbs. He is rapping with gusto. “I can smell the cane burning.” Does JAY-Z listen to Freddie Gibbs? I imagine he has a playlist with only songs from Freddie Gibbs and Clipse. “All my raps in the crack files.” Big drug dealer talk. Great intro.

2. “God Is Perfect”

Alchemist beats are patient. I love Gibbs’ cadence and delivery. His flow is so sharp. He jumps on beats and always finds a way to stomp on the pocket. The second verse is vicious. Such vivid lyricism. Does he write down his raps? He has a fluid style; it never sounds like he’s overthinking. His rapping sounds instinctive, but it’s also so detailed. “God Is Perfect” is a keeper. A last-second beat switch. No rapping, but a smooth close with another movie clip.

3. “Scottie Beam” feat. Rick Ross

Alchemist made a beat that sounds like a rainy day inside of a jazz bar. It’s so elegant. Freddie came to rap. More vivid lyricism. Clear illustration. I saw the line from Queen & Slim coming, but he still landed the dismount. “The revolution is the genocide, my execution might be televised.” He’s on fire. Using Judas/Jesus as an example of betrayal never gets old. “I really want me a Scottie Beam.” Rick Ross sounds like he just walked in the booth in a Versace robe with matching Versace slippers and du-rag. Ross is rapping. He’s back in that Rather You Than Me bag. My favorite kind of Ross. Luxury raps. Someone tell Alchemist to send Ross the pack. Need that. Keeper.

4. “Look At Me”

Alfredo has good pacing. Every song has moved seamlessly into the next. No skips. Each beat and every rap has been up to par. “Look At Me” has a rather slow build-up. I like it, though. Gibbs with the Wu-Tang nod. This record is good. It’s way looser than the previous records. The lucidness isn’t bad. Not my favorite, but a keeper.

5. “Frank Lucas” feat. Benny The Butcher

This one is dirty. You can hear the roaches scurrying. “Frank Lucas” sounds like super-villainy. Gibbs is rapping rapping. The George Jetson line took me out. He’s knocking this one out. “My name Cocaine, they not putting me on the nominees.” This record is big, big rap talk. Benny The Butcher. He raps like a man living up to his name. “It was either law school or dog food.” This verse is murder. The Butcher did what he needed to do. He’s still going. Keeper. Currently, the bar for the best.

6. “Something to Rap About” feat. Tyler, The Creator

I love these keys. “God made me sell crack, so I’d have something to rap about.” “Something to Rap About” is whimsical. Gibbs doesn’t take himself too seriously, but he won’t let you take him lightly. That sense of self makes him powerful. Every line is vivid. He would be great at writing screenplays. The Creator has arrived. He said this beat sounds like the boat he hasn’t bought yet. Tyler is spitting. These songs just keep getting better. “I used to be a Goblin under those bridges.” He’s on a rant. He held the flow, though. He’s getting it off his chest. “I’m grounded like the pavement, we ain’t linking like the bracelet.” One take. Tyler danced. That kid is a killer. Keeper.

7. “Baby $hit”

Second best song title on the album. A nice tempo. “Baby $hit” has some bounce. Rapid-fire Gibbs. “Got a pocket full of dead slave masters.” He’s on fire. A strong, strong verse. Man, Gibbs’ delivery is so pointed. Keeper. Another movie clip. I wonder if they had to clear all of these. [Editor’s Note: Movie clips must be cleared for commercial use.] Each clip makes the album feel even more cinematic. A moving picture.

8. “Babies & Fools” feat. Conway The Machine

Smooth! The sample escapes me, but this is a classic. Yep! He’s going for the trophies. Alchemist gave Gibbs the perfect pack. I wonder how many beats they went through. No skips yet. As far as albums go, Alfredo sounds like a complete body of work. They avoided all the superfluous touches that weigh albums down. Conway! He came to represent. “Call it crazy, but I always knew I would bounce back this hard.” Quotables all across this album. Every featured guest is rapping like it’s their song. “I rep my niggas every verse that I rap.” Keeper. Alchemist doesn’t miss.

9. “Skinny Suge”

Best song title on the album. Slow build-up. “Skinny Suge” is heavy. Gibbs sounds like the evolved form of Tupac. Hear me out. All I’m saying is his cadence and passion remind me of Pac. From my perspective, if Pac would’ve lived, his style would be similar to how Gibbs raps. “A skinny black nigga, rich off rap.” See. Pac would have said that, lol. Anyway, another keeper. Love the little touches at the end of every song. Alchemist gave us a soundscape.

10. “All Glass”

Last song. Can Gibbs go 10 for 10? Sounding like it. “All Glass” isn’t my favorite beat on Alfredo, but he’s rapping. Whew. Bar after bar. This record is a church. “Yeezy’s on, but I ain’t never seen a Sunday service.” The André 3000/Caroline line got me. He’s going for gold. That’s how you close it out. Ten keepers.

Final (First Listen) Thoughts on Freddie Gibbs and The Alchemist’s Alfredo

Freddie Gibbs is brass knuckle lyricism. He strikes with a boxer’s tenacity without ever burning out—spitting line after line like a heavyweight who throws haymaker after haymaker as if they were jabs. But there’s also a storytelling bent to Freddie Gibbs, one that shapes his punchy songs into short cinema.

On Alfredo, Gibbs performs as a rap Olympian. From a writing perspective, the 10 songs all paint him as a top tier wordsmith. It’s a testament to his craft, but also to The Alchemist, who delivered the perfect set of beats, inspiring high-level rapping. Every rapper who appears on Alfredo does not slack. There isn’t a single moment dulling the ears.

Alfredo is well-rounded and sharp; an album with no skips served up by a rapper and producer who understand what it means to deliver a quality product.

Alfredo is quality rap at its finest.

from Listen Review of Freddie Gibbs & The Alchemist’s ‘Alfredo’ by djbooth.net

#Albums #News #Alfredo #DJ Booth #djbooth.net #feature #Freddie Gibbs #The Alchemist #Yoh Phillips

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funnythingshere0-blog · 5 years

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Hasan Minhaj's 'Patriot Act' review: Fitfully funny

New Post has been published on https://funnythingshere.xyz/hasan-minhajs-patriot-act-review-fitfully-funny/

Hasan Minhaj's 'Patriot Act' review: Fitfully funny

The ex-‘Daily Show’ comedian has called his show a weekly ‘woke TED talk’, promising to deliver more than the average — and it deserves a chance

If deployed properly, self-deprecation can be the most valuable weapon in a comedian’s arsenal. Make a pointed critique of yourself before someone else can, play it off as a joke, and just like that, the potential diss has been neutralised.

That’s surely what Hasan Minhaj is going for when he refers to his news-comedy programme Patriot Act as a “woke TED Talk” midway through the second episode, and yet the offhand remark does naught to change the fact that that’s precisely what this is. The phrase articulates a perceived objection to the show, but only succeeds in crystallising rather than dispelling it. He floats a succinct, cutting appraisal not so easily laughed off, the kind of compact dismissal that might as well come from articles not yet written — if Minhaj has room in his schedule to complete the remainder of this review, the door’s open.

“Woke TED Talk” pretty much sums up a show knowingly resistant to the tone and structure of the late-night culture that first spawned Minhaj. His mere presence invites comparison to his former home The Daily Show, and his once-a-week slot on Netflix puts him in line with Michelle Wolf’s recently cancelled The Break. In purpose, he’s closest to John Oliver and Last Week Tonight’s deep-dive ethic, but Patriot Act raises that show’s “organised ranting” format to the Nth degree.

Each of the first two episodes screened for critics concentrates on one topic only — the first, affirmative action, the second, Saudi Arabia’s crown prince Mohammad Bin Salman — and eschews many of the trappings that have come to define the late-night genre. There’s no desk in sight; Minhaj gets a workout as he monologues with ample physicality and wild gesticulation across a screen-covered stage that he ribs as “like if Michael Bay directed a PowerPoint”. (Another self-dig that doesn’t quite negate the criticism at its heart.)

He has no guests, and conducts no interviews. On the sliding scale between information and comedy, he falls closer to the former pole, matching Oliver and his team’s rigor as researchers without making an effort to mount some grand-finale prank or stunt. Minhaj dots his routines with one-liners playing to the upper-middle-brow crowd, slipping once again into self-awareness with an off-the-cuff comment about “hitting all the pockets” with an “arthouse joke” about Call Me By Your Name and an “AP Gov joke” name-checking Hoovervilles. While his colleagues grapple for pageviews, Minhaj employs a refreshingly un-viral technique.

What Minhaj has that his de facto competitors so glaringly lack is his perspective, a voice that can stand out from the chorus of white men with identical haircuts. His heritage as a Muslim of Indian descent figures prominently into the fabric of both episodes, informing his commentary with insights that someone of a different background could not provide. He’s an object lesson in not just the moral but the practical benefits of a diverse late-night climate, showing how a plurality of vantage points cultivates a more well-rounded viewership. Whether in an extended bit about the customary Islamic bidet known as a “lota” or in an impassioned soliloquy about the conflict of worship demanding travel to Mecca despite objections to Saudi policy, Minhaj’s unique experience bolsters material that can sometimes verge on the overdone side.

Michelle Wolf’s finest hour on The Break came in the form of a meticulous, step-by-step dissection of the remarkably consistent formula that hosts use to keep an audience in their pocket. So much of Minhaj’s manner and content follows this model of pre-packaging, his edgelessness maximised to reassure, comfort, and congratulate the well-educated liberal audience invariably courted by shows of this nature. The crowd dutifully brays at every crack against Trump, secure that they won’t be challenged or implicated as part of the distinctly Republican problem. Like Hannah Gadsby’s Nanette, the original woke TED Talk, Patriot Act’s end goal seems at times to be a feel-good emotional catharsis rather than its ostensible utility as edu-tainment.

As a man of colour in a largely homogeneous field, he’s well-equipped to avoid this sort of tepid-pudding affirmation and pose difficult, discomfiting questions to the gargantuan viewership that Netflix offers. It is this critic’s sincere hope that Minhaj and his new enterprise will be afforded more time to come into their own and evolve past their flaws than their corporate superiors gave Wolf. Allotting 30 minutes to one topic should engender more trenchant reportage than most can manage, if Minhaj follows the more academic-minded direction suggested by the fitfully funny first two episodes. TV needs him, a notion that the first episode’s topic of affirmative actions meta-textually winks at. The least the man deserves is a chance to prove why.

Don’t miss it!

Patriot Act is now streaming on Netflix.

Source: https://gulfnews.com/leisure/television/hasan-minhaj-s-patriot-act-review-fitfully-funny-1.2296092

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