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kookkyra · 4 years

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F L O W E R S O N T H E G R A V E - THE PILOT

( JJ MAYBANK X OC )

summary: Delaney Cassidy had grown up on The Cut. She, along with the other pogues, had her own struggles in her home life, though she attempted to make the best of it. After her mom’s death, will she be able to keep her friendships, and her boyfriend, as she adjusts to her new kook life?

wc: 3.2k

warning: mentions of parent (mother) death, drug and alcohol use, curse words

a/n: okay, so this is the short fic idea i had. from pogue to kook, and i thought it was pretty interesting, to my knowledge, there isn’t anything out there like it. i struggled thinking if i wanted to make it an oc or a y/n fic, and i went back and forth for a bit, but i think oc is better. ALSO, the character is already dating jj, which i think is kinda cool.. this series is more about navigating a relationship while going through grief, adjusting to a new life, stuff like that. it’s gonna be angsty, it’s gonna have fights, tears, all of that. i understand this isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but i really needed to write this because its been floating around my head since i watched obx. honestly this was theraputic to write out, so i may write more.. i may not? it’s kinda up in the air I D O N O T K N O W.

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And flowers on the grave Of the child that I used to be

Delaney sat in her room, eyes glued to the floor. Her chest was heavy, and her head hurt from crying so much. So much had happened in the past week, though she felt like she had been standing still, the world was just in fast forward around her.

She stood up, wiping the tears that had covered her cheeks. They felt raw from how many times she had done this- wishing she could stop herself from crying, even if it was just for a little bit. Most of the time, she didn’t even know she was crying. She wouldn’t notice the tears that streamed down her cheeks until she felt them threaten to fall from her chin, or until they hit her lap, or the worst, when someone pointed it out to her. Usually they would just hug her, but that only made the tears stream more.

“Delaney?” Hearing her aunt's familiar voice and her hand tap on the half open door, she turned, seeing her aunt Danielle standing in the door with a small smile. “You’ve got some visitors if you’re feeling up for it.”

“She’s feeling up for it, Mrs.C, she’s always up for a little JJ and John B.” JJ said as he walked into Delaney’s room, followed by John B. Danielle gave her a look, causing Delaney to smile and nod. The boys quickly embraced the smaller blonde girl before Danielle walked back down the hall.

The last time she had seen John B, he was dressed in a suit. They were supporting her as she said her final good-byes to her mother. The thought sent a chill down Delaney’s body, tears threatening to slip past her eyes yet again.

“Can’t believe you’re a kook now.” JJ said, looking around her new bedroom. New paint job, new furniture, new everything. John B’s hand quickly whacked JJ’s arm, shaking his head and the blond’s comment

“It’s weird for sure. I went to a two bedroom shack on The Cut where we took cold showers because my mom forgot to pay the bills to…” She stopped, shaking her head and looking around the picture perfect room, “to this. A big fancy house on Figure 8.”

“I didn’t see your car outside when we pulled up..” John B started, though he didn’t really finish it, either. It stretched across the air like an open statement. Delaney could comment on it if she wanted to, but John B wasn’t going to force her. That was his approach to everything the past week. He wasn’t going to push- this was new territory for all the pogues, they didn’t know how to approach any of it.

Delaney scoffed, shaking her head. “They made me get rid of Reggie. Apparently a stick shift ‘98 bug was too old and trashy to have in their flashy driveway.” Her voice was loud, as if she wanted the adults in the house to hear her complaints. “Did you see that dumb Range Rover in the driveway? Yeah, I’m not happy about it either.”

“Oh no, poor baby has to drive a Range Rover now.” JJ teased, adjusting himself on the bed that he was laying on.

“That isn’t the point, JJ.” Delaney started, shaking her head as she nearly started to pace. “The point is, that I saved up for that car. Yeah, he was old. He didn’t look like their Benz’s or BMW’s or Range Rovers. But I saved up for him since I was thirteen, and once I passed my drivers test I bought him. I had him for like, not even a year, and it’s like all my hard work just went down the drain because it didn’t fit their kook aesthetic.”

“So what I’m hearing is we aren’t going to get to take a joy ride in the Rover tonight..” JJ muttered, letting out a small sigh.

“I get why you’re mad... But they’re being really nice to you…They took you in, they gave you your own room, bought you an expensive car..” John B quickly said, looking to Delaney. She knew he was right. They were being too nice to her- but maybe they felt like they had to be. Her life had been one shitty card after another.

“Yeah John B, I get it. I know they’re being nice to me, and they’re giving me all this shit that I don’t deserve, and they’re going above and beyond, and they kept me out of the system, but that doesn’t change the fact that I didn’t ask for any of this shit.” Delaney’s voice was harsh. She was angry- but it happened often. She would go from sad, to angry, and then the cycle would start again.

“So no test drive..” JJ interjected once again, pursing his lips as he looked from John B to Delaney. “I just think it would be good, you know, get out of ear shot, we can all get some food, look around the neighborhood..”

“Get in the fucking car.” Delaney said with a smile, grabbing her keys from the desk and slipping on a pair of flip flops.

“Shotgun!” JJ yelled quickly, jumping up from the bed and starting out the door.

“Just try not to be too hard on them. It’s all new for them, too.” John B sighed.

“I know, I do. It’s just, all a lot right now.” Delaney said, wrapping her arms tightly around the brunette boy. The two followed JJ down the stairs, he was patiently waiting like a dog by the front door, excited to go on a walk. “We’re going on a drive- be back later.” Delaney yelled, reaching for the door before catching a glance of John B’s look. “I mean- be back before ten, if anything changes I’ll text you..” She quickly added, getting a look of approval from John B.

The three walked out to the driveway, each opening a door to the brand new Range Rover that was parked. Delaney got in the car, pushing the button to the keyless start and buckling up. Her seat adjusted to her previous settings, her music starting to stream from her phone instantly. Her small finger pressing the button to the moon roof, the slick glass sliding back.

Both boys stared in disbelief, this was nothing like what you would find on The Cut. Delaney knew that, though she wasn’t sure if she was supposed to act like it was nothing, or completely freak out about her new car. Her blue eyes searched JJ’s face as he stared at the touch-screen navigation. “Isn’t it fucking insane..” She finally said, looking around the car with a smile. “And I’m not paying insurance, they are. I didn’t have to do anything.”

“Watch out Sarah Cameron, there’s a new kook princess on the horizon.” JJ said with a smile, finally bringing his finger to click on the screen. “Holy shit I can watch tv in this thing?”

“Yes! And It won’t show up for view on the screen. Kook technology, dude, I don’t know who thought of it.”

“You think you get Danielle to think my car doesn’t look good in their driveway when I park it here and they could get me a new car?” John B teased from the back seat, pulling himself between the two headrests.

“I’ll try my hardest.” Delaney said with a smile, putting the car and drive and heading around the half moon driveway. “And speaking of kook princess, my aunt wants me to talk to Sarah, she said that my uncle and her dad used to be friends in high school, even went to the same college. They think her and I are going to be best friends when I join the kook academy.” She huffed, rolling her eyes.

“Well, you could… But it seems unlikely. You’re nothing like Sarah Cameron. You actually know what it’s like to be a pogue.” JJ’s fingers still toyed with the touch screen, not letting a single button go unpressed.

“And there’s no way they would let you still go to Kildare County?” John B chimed in, Delaney instantly shaking her head.

“No way, they already have the paperwork to enroll me. Only I would be unlucky enough to have to start senior year at a new school.”

“At least you’ll have Kiara at the Kook Academy.” John B tried to make the best of the situation, but Delaney was back on her angry streak- mad at the world for the shitty events that had taken place.

“But I wanted senior year to be us. It was supposed to be Delaney, JJ, John B and Pope against the world. We were supposed to show up late and skip out early. We were taking the easiest classes with the best teachers.. And now I’m supposed to think about college. Yeah, that’s right. They said that I have to last minute apply to college. I was told my whole life that I was going to Kildare Community if I even wanted to go to college. And now I’m supposed to apply to colleges where I need to pick out what I want to do the-”

“You got off The Cut, stop complaining.” JJ finally said. His tone was low, but you could hear the pain in his voice. “We get it. Things have been shitty. This has by far been the worst summer, not to mention you’ve had shitty things happen since you can remember.. But you got out of it, you know? I’m not saying you can’t be upset or angry or feel whatever the hell you’re feeling.. But remember who you’re talking to…” Delaney took in a deep breath, he was right. And it was probably the smartest thing she had heard JJ say in a while.

She knew who she was talking to, and as it settled in, she started to feel the familiar crappy feeling again. John B’s mom left, same with JJ’s. John B’s dad was missing out at sea, and while JJ’s dad was at home, it would’ve been better if he were the one out at sea.

“I’m sorry..” The blonde mumbled, moving her eyes from the road to JJ’s for a moment. John B was silent in the back seat, and the car filled with tension. Sorrow for all of their shitty situations.

“You don’t gotta apologize. But we’ve all been through shit.. If I could escape to Figure 8, I would do it in a heartbeat. Just try and think about the positives.” JJ’s hand reached for Delaney’s, his thumb running back and forth.

The positives, Delaney thought. They all seemed materialistic at this point. Like her aunt and uncle were trying to replace the gaping hole in her chest with cars, and clothing and things. But things didn’t change the ache in her chest. Where were the positives to growing up on The Cut with a mother who was more interested in drugs than her daughters well being? Where were the positives in having to take cold showers? In not having electricity for days because of missed bills? Delaney worked two jobs in order to pay for her car, food, and help chip in at John B’s- since it was where she had spent most of her nights. She had no desire to stay at her own house, the strangers that walked in and out of the house, the slurring of her mother as she mixed her drugs with alcohol.

“Night John B!” Delaney waved him off as he pulled out of her driveway, opening up the screen door, letting JJ follow in after her. The two climbed the stairs to Delaney’s room, opening the door, she plugged in the string lights that swooped around the whole light blue room.

Falling on to her bed, she outstretched her arms to JJ, who walked past her with a small grin, grabbing a notebook that lay on her desk. He tossed it to her, followed by a pen.

The blonde girl furrowed her brows, looking to JJ, then the notebook. JJ sprawled out on the bed flipping the notebook to an empty page.

“The positives.” He said, raising his eyebrows. “I could tell in the car you couldn’t think of any. You were still focusing on the negatives. I could tell ya positives about my life. I met John B, got a best friend, let me stay at his place, met a beautiful girl, turned into my smokin’ hot girlfriend.” He grinned propping himself up on his elbows to kiss her lips sweetly.

“You’re a dork.” Delaney said with a grin, grabbing the notebook and pen. “The positives..” She started, looking to JJ.

“Living with people that care about you, living with people that are trying, having your future set up for you..” He began. So he had thought about this, she thought.

“A house that isn’t a crack house..” Delaney started, still scribbling what JJ had said on the paper, followed by her own addition. “A car that’s not going to crap out at any second of the day, food in the fridge, hot water, electricity, no strangers in the house..” Things kept spilling out of her mouth, Delaney’s hand writing as fast as it could to try and keep up with the thoughts that popped into her head. Finally stopping after she had rattled off at least ten more things, she looked to JJ with a smile, his blue eyes looking to hers as a wide smile was spread across his face.

“To going full kook.” His smile didn’t budge as he spoke, his eyes glancing over every part of her. Her blonde hair he knew she hadn’t washed in day, her face that was hollowed out a bit more from not eating the past few days, her eyes that were swollen from crying for a week. It was weird, he thought. How Delaney could hate everything about her house on The Cut, how she could complain about her mom and her actions and choices, but still feel so much sadness over her passing. Would he feel the same if his dad died? Probably..

“To going full kook.” Delaney said with a small laugh, leaning over and kissing JJ. She let out a breathy sigh, feeling the sadness well up in her body yet again, though she refused to cry again. She was too happy. JJ was right, there had been so much positive to come out of everything that had happened, she couldn’t forget that. But that didn’t take away the hurt of losing a parent.

Hearing her phone ring on the bed, Delaney perked up, which only caused JJ’s face to fall. He knew what was about to happen. It broke his heart.

“Hold that thought- my mom always calls at this ti-” Her face fell, tears instantly welling up in her eyes as JJ scrambled for the phone.

“Kie, not a good time, she’ll call you back.” He hung up, quickly wrapping his arms around his silently sobbing girlfriend.

Footsteps frantically pattered along the hall, her aunt and uncle looking sorrowful to the sobbing teen. They looked to JJ, as if he would say if they should leave it to him, or if backup was needed. The blonde boy nodded slightly, the two adults quickly entering the room. Delaney’s aunt gently ran her hand up and down her back, as her uncle sat silently on the edge of the bed.

“It’s not her.” Delaney sobbed out. “It’s never going to be her again.” She continued, her tears quickly dampening JJ’s shirt.

“I’m sorry, Laney..” JJ whispered, looking to her aunt and uncle for any bit of help.

No one knew what to do. It was all so new. Everyone in her family cried. They were angry at the world, but no one knew how to navigate this sort of life event.

“I’m tired of crying..” Delaney finally cried out, pulling herself away from JJ, her eyes looked to each of the people in the room, as if she were pleading with them, as if they could give her a way to stop crying.

“It’s going to take time, sweetie.” Her aunt finally mustered up, tears begging to be released in her own eyes. She hated seeing the younger girl in so much pain, but it was just something she had to go through.

The four had made their way to the living room, putting on Peter Pan to attempt to calm Delaney down. Luckily, she had fallen asleep during the movie, her head resting on JJ’s shoulder.

“Are you staying again tonight, JJ?” Danielle, Delaney’s aunt asked.

“If that’s alright, yeah.” JJ nodded. He could still remember earlier in the week the screaming match him staying the night caused. Delaney’s new guardians didn’t agree with letting a boy stay the night, especially in her bed. Though once she screamed about staying at John B’s house with three boys many nights, and how she had next to JJ multiple times, they pushed back less. It wasn’t until Delaney went on a screaming rampage about how she had no desire to fuck her boyfriend after recieving the news of her mothers death.

That seemed to be the real winner in the argument.

“Of course. We can’t thank you enough for being there for her during all of this.. We know it isn’t easy.” Jack said. Delaney’s uncle had always liked JJ, his positive attitude seeming infectious even in these times.

“It’s no problem at all. Sometimes I just feel like I’m not doing enough.” JJ’s words were soft, as if he was embarrassed he wasn’t able to take the pain away.

“We all do, and sometimes we feel like we’re doing too much.. It’s a vicious cycle, and it’s one we aren’t going to win.” Jack said with an almost apologetic smile.

Delaney’s eyes fluttered open softly, stretching as she looked around. “I think I’m going to head to bed.. Thanks for watching the movie with me..” She walked over, wrapping her arms tightly around each adult. “I really appreciate it.” JJ stood, giving a small nod and wave as he followed behind Delaney up to her room.

Laying down in bed, Delaney cuddled up next to JJ- it was hit or miss if she did this. Some nights she wanted no human contact, she would shudder away from every touch. Though there were some nights JJ’s arms around her felt like the most comforting thing on the planet, like they alone could take away all her grief.

“Hey J?” Delaney said softly, looking up to JJ, whose face was moonlight on the pillow, his eyes shut.

“Hey D?” He replied, his arm gently running up and down her arm.

“I don’t think it’s ever going to go away.”

“What isn’t going to go away?” His eyes opened slowly, looking down to her.

“The pain.” She said simply. “I don’t think it’s going to go away. I think I’m just going to learn to live with it.”

I was on the verge of breaking down Then you came around

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nightowlfandom · 5 years

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Levi Ackerman- Mine (Part 2)

REQUEST FROM PROMPT LIST- RIGHT HERE!

So the person who requested (I forgot who my bad) the first part of this really wanted a part two sooo HERE WE GO, LET’S GET TO THE FUCC! Sorry it took so long, I wasn’t sure how to go about this.

Read part 1 Here!

No prompts here, let’s just jump in. Idk how this turned out, but we’ll see because I kinda enjoyed this one.

Leggo!

...

All you had to do was knock...knock on the door Y/N. You looked silly standing there like a dummy. Plus it was late, like really late. You were almost positive tht everyone had to be asleep soon.

One two three four five six times you knocked on the door as he had explained for you to do before. You had sort of avoided Levi for the rest fo the day after he had left the library without another word. You were sort of anticipating everything but at the same time grew shy and oh dear what if this was all a sick game to him.

“Enter.” You heard Levi grunt from the other side.

Well, It’s now or never. You slowly opened the door, hearing its creek. You had never been in Levi’s study before, it didn’t look anything like where you usually slept. Then again, he was the Corporal Captain thing. You saw Levi sitting at his desk, looking focused on what he was doing. He seemed to be writing something down. Your curiosity was getting the better of you but you figured it’d be best to stay quiet.

“Lock the door behind you.” he said, not bothering to look up. ‘I’d prefer us be unbothered. I’m assuming that you’re here you’ve accepted my offer. This means that you aren’t allowed to back out.” he put his pen down as you did as you were told. “I take my relations and affairs quite seriously.” he looked up. “Your silence tells me that you understand...yes?”

You slowly nodded, not knowing what to say.

“Good.” he stood up. You only now noticed that he only wore black pants. He was completely shirtless. How had you not noticed that? “Look at me.”

You looked up to meet his stern eyes. “You took your sweet time coming to my study, you know that?”

“I wasn’t sure what time you wanted me to. I got held up at dinner, then I thought I lost the book I borrowed then realized I actually left it at the library-”

“Excuses...” he scoffed. “I said you would face consequences did I not?”

“You did.” you mumbled.

You noticed Levi had something in his hands. “Uh....What’s that?” you ask curiously.

“A blindfold.” he answered as if it were the most obvious thing. “Turn around.”

“Um...Is this part of that whole consequence thing?” you asked as you turned around.

“Maybe.”

You felt the cover go over your eyes, leaving you nothing but darkness.

“I’ve never seen you out of uniform before.” he commented. You were almost positive wearing your regular clothes wouldn’t kill anyone, at least for tonight since nothing was really going on. “Hm...”

He wasn’t insulting it, so that had to be a good sign! Levi tilted your head to the side, causing confusion to surge through your head. You confusion was put to rest when you felt a kiss on your ear.

Your breath hitched, you didn’t expect him to do that. You didn’t expect him to kiss down your neck either.

“S-sir?”

“Given the circumstance,” he began, tracing a few more kisses down your shoulder. “I’d advise you to call me Levi.”

“Oh? Uh...r-right.”

“You’re lucky I like you so much.” he began. “I don’t usually take stuttering too lightly, but with you...it’s almost endearing.” Levi’s hand began creeping under your shirt. You felt his kisses trail back up your ear. “However...this is your punishment for keeping me waiting.”

“What do you m-WOAH!”

You found yourself on a plush surface, a bed? A couch?? You couldn’t see a thing, but felt a warmth on your front, along with warm breath hitting your face. Before you could talk, Levi kissed your lips. His lips were warm yet, his face was a little cold. His hands rested on either side of your face. You wished you could see his face, but your eyes being shielded excited you. Of course he couldn’t know that. His hands trailed under your shirt, yanking it over your head.

“Is that a...tattoo?” he suddenly asked.

A long time ago you had gotten one of those stick and poke tattoos, it was something to remind you to never give up despite what you end up losing in the process, you made sure that the symbol was something you could look at everyday and stare back into the mirror with determination.

“Hm, I’m learning new things about you more and more everyday.” he scoffed. You couldn’t see it, but Levi was admiring your tattoo, running his thumb along the inked skin. He didn’t peg you as the type to have something like that etched along your skin, he could make out a faded scar...so it had been a cover up.

He recognized how you had gotten that scar too. He remembered seeing you get thrown against a tree, but instantly heave yourself up as if it were nothing, that’s when he knew just how much he admired you, from a distance of course.

He had gripped onto the waistband of your pants, easing them down. The air was cold against your bare skin. Levi’s fingers ghosted over your clothed slit, almost taken aback at how warm your skin was. His lips found yours again, this time your tongues meeting halfway, brushing and teasing one another.

“I know I said you would face punishment but-”

Levi suddenly took off your blindfold, allowing you to capture a view of his face. “I want you to look at me when I do this.” he said against your lips. “Plus teasing you isn’t doing me any service right now.” he said.

The rest of your undergarments were removed and tossed aside, and you resisted the urge to cover up your body. You saw your bra land behind Levi’s desk, damn did he have a good throwing arm. Without thinking, you wrapped your legs around Levi’s torso just as he kicked off his pants.

“Chivalry and foreplay will have to wait until we aren’t is such a rush.”

...

“C-call me Levi.” He grunted after you had mistakenly called him ‘captain’. “Say my name.” he growled into your ear, thrusting harder and deeper. “Fuck!”

You have never heard him swear before, only insult people. Whether the form was classy or classless was left up to discretion.

“L-levi!” you choked. Your walls tightened around his shaft as he thrusted deeper and deeper. His arms held onto your thighs and he thrusted deeper and deeper. He was close too, you could tell. How no one heard you two was an absolute mystery. Between his loud grunts and the way the headboard kept banging against the wall.

You became an entanglement of limbs as Levi spilled out onto the sheets after pulling himself out of you (because ain’t no pregnancies here *snaps fingers*)

“You do realize what this means, right?” he asked as you both calmed down.

“Hm?” you were confused as his face became serious.

“This means you are forbidden from ever putting yourself in harms way, getting hurt, getting roped into situations that could hurt you...or worse...kill you. You’re going to train so hard that no one will even think about touching you, even in practice situations.” he said seriously. “You’re mine, which means losing you is far from being an option. I need you to understand that. I will destroy anything that threatens you or stands in our way and I will not hesitate to do so....do you understand?”

You were taken aback, but slowly nodded. That wasn’t good enough for Levi though.

“I need a real answer.” his warm hand cupped the side of your face. “I need a verbal answer Y/N...otherwise I won’t think you understand the extremities of this.”

Truthfully you did, you absolutely did...

“Y-yes sir, I mean...Levi.” you nodded quickly. “I understand, I promise.” you replied.

“Good.” he sighed, pulling you closer to his sweaty body. “Very good. You’re all mine Y/N...don’t forget that.” he mumbled into your neck. “Because I won’t...”

You basked in the silence until Levi began speaking again.

“Also, due to the status of our relationship, you’re going to be sitting with me during breakfast, lunch, and dinner and spending a lot your free time with me as well. I don’t need you falling off anymore bookshelves. I’ll even take it upon myself to give you private training sessions so you know how to land on your feet.” that part made you laugh a little. You eyes could have been deceiving you but you thought you saw him smile a little too. “Go to sleep, I’ll wake you up so we can talk more about this.”

You laid your head on his bare chest, feeling his warmth and admiring how theraputic the rise and fall of each breath was. Slowly but surely you drifted of asleep.

(This may have not been my best one but parts got deleted and I got so made because I had spent so long typing it out...but no use in getting mad about it)

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sharkytrash7 · 5 years

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My last say. Hopefully not my final essay.

So I've been watching YouTube videos of how to get over ex's and how to deal with break ups. In my heart, I know we belong together. I know the fact that I'm not Christian is a problem. My arguement is that you never fell in love with an atheist. You fell in love with me. Its tough when you refer to me as atheist because I'm so much more then that. You of all people know that. I love you with all my heart. I want to marry you still. I'm not of being alone or being without you. I'm scared of what I am without you. To be honest you were and still are my guardian angel in my eyes. You've changed my life and I hate to see you leave. You keep emphasizing that we might not be together but I still have hope we'll be together. After all, you have my rib. I know things are hard for you at the moment with God. Its tough for me 2. I go to afda and put on a smile pretending I'm fine. You want to be with a Christian. I get that. But no Christian will be as good as I am to you. Even tough I'm not a Christian, I can try to be the best person in the world for you. I dont love for your looks or your voice or cause you give me affection or cause you buy me stuff or cause you did things to me. Its all those things and more. I love you cause youre you. I would never change anything about you. Even your cute toes. Once upon a time I promised you I'd convert for you. I want to make this clear ! I am not trying to manipulate you in any way shape or or form ! Im just venting to tumblr. I'd keep my promise. It wouldnt be for you or for me but for us. Cause your right woman ! Its just better if we're both Christian. I know your gonna be thinking, "hmmmm, hes probably just saying this so I get back with him. He just wants me back. What an ass" and it does look like that. Thats why. Huh. Idk actually. I guess it is kinda fucked up to say this. Kinda shity cause then it would make your life 10 times harder. Okay so ignore that bit. Im not deleting it because effort AND because I said it / typed it with meaning and for a reason.

I get why we dont talk because if your parents find out they'll lose their minds and also because I'm pulling you away from your God things. But like when will I be able to date you. Ya know. Like even if I was Christian, your parents would still hate me. And if your parents forgave me. I wouldnt be Christian. So i get your side of life. Cause thats tough cookie. I wish our love could be enough because it is lowkey for us. Its a rough one. I wanna tell you so many things but i dont wanna jinx your future. I just find it crazy that you think your going to marry someone else. People have been saying its just because your my first girlfriend but I dont believe em. I felt a connection with you. Something I dont see happening with anyone else. You keep telling not to wait for you but its what I feel is right. Just like how you said it feels right to break up. I dont think this will last forever. We'll I wont be able to last much longer but. I feel like we've got this. We've been through a lot together and I'm positive about us. When I said us not being together would be a watse I didnt mean a waste of time or money or anything. I just meant it would be crazy for us to go through everything we did just to let (a big deal) get in the way. I love you. I love you. I LOVE YOU MY BOO !

Lowkey in the back of my head thinking this

I know I said these things but I cant hold you to anything. You could be over me and my shit and want another relationship. I have to deal with that. If you want some buff white english indie guy to come love you then that the way it'll be.

Deep down I want it to be though. Like I want to be your knight. Your dark knight _wink wink_. I know eternal life is a big thing for you and I'd like to be there with you to. I dont really know if I'll be accepted up in heaven. Even if i am a Christian. Im hard on myself like that. Id rather let more deserving people go to heaven. Idk why I put myself. Its just me. I just see potential in others. More so than in myself. I see my purpose on earth as a chance to help others. You know. Plus im sure when (i cant remember the name of it) the blue lights come down and take people to heaven. Im sure I'll meet you up there. Your just so scared of messing up like one thing and I get it I was like that 2. Id make sure everything was planned out. Truth is. I hd to stop being scared in order to move forward. Like after my car accident. I was terrified to drive again. I couldnt deal with driving. But i had to get over it. And I know you blame yourself and God for what happened. Please dont. Everything happens for a reason. I feel like that stuff taught me a lesson about being calm and calming myself down. It definitely wasnt God punishing you for being with me. Again not trying manipulate you or preach to you or try to change your thoughts. Its just my opinion. All I'm hoping you do is consider what I'm saying. I really truley am sorry about everything but at the same time. Everything that happened has happened and its made us who we are. If given the chance I'd do it again.

Also lowkey I'd love to celebrate 2 years with you. #nopressure. Like seriously I'm being serious but at the same time dont stress you cute little head about it. If it doesnt happen it doesnt happen.

My eating habits have gotten worse. Idk. Im lowkey scared im dying. I want to go to the doctor but its expensive and I've been such a burden on my parents. I'm pretty sure I can wait a couple years before getting it checked up.

My new glasses are cool. You have to see yhem in person. That another thing. I thought i wouldve seen you by now just driving or something. But i guess you only really drive to church and home. Or to someones house or like a party thing.

Happy 21st birthday baby. Wow. Your getting like so old. I still remember falling in love with the 19 year old you. Look how far we came. A whole 2 years. Youve grown so much since then. Firstly you don't bump into cars xD. Jk. You really have become such a grown up and I've been blessed being there with you. You became independent and youve become yourself. Its was a wild trip but to see you come out on top has been worth it. You deserve the world. And if anyone tries to hurt you / stop you, send em my way. Youre one of the most beautiful intelligent cutest amazingest bestest person in the whole world. Happy Birthday Boo.

The boo tattoo. We getting em together ? Also all your stuff is still here so if you do move out invite me over sometime so i can drop off these things. Lowkey your life is amazing and spontaneous and I have huge FOMO (fear of missing out). You don't to worry about me tho. I've been waiting to do things with you.

Moving out. Yeah. Its a big possibility next for me. I remember you originally said we can't live together which sucked but made sense. So. If you ever need a place to stay. Call me. I'll set up a guest bedroom for you.

I wasnt going to with your dad a happy birthday because you never with mine I dont think. But im not a monster like you. Jk lol. You probs just forgot.

Also it really sucks you cant speak 2 me. Your not an asshole. I just wish you could've helped me calm down.

Im sorry this was so long. I'm sure Ive forgotten things and said things I shouldnt have but tbh its been kinda theraputic for me. Like I feel a lot better having got thise things off my chest. You dont have to reply to anything yet. Cause I know your brains busy atm. If you can acknowledge that you seen it that would be nice. But ja. Please dont take anything Ive said personally or strongly. I just blurped things out and yes things do have meaning. But it takes two to tango. I desperately want to tango with you though.

Ps I love you

Pps Im sorry

Ppps take me back

Pppps jk. not jk

Yours truly

Triston Kyle Pillay (Penguin)

3:36 Vala is today. Shhhh

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