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flightfoot · 1 year

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ML fic Underrated Masterpieces

So there are some ML fics that are absolutely brilliant, but haven’t gotten as much attention as I think they deserve. So I’m gonna give that attention to them, and hopefully make them more well known! This isn’t limited to any particular year. BTW, in case any of the authors haven’t made the connection, I’m Keyseeker on AO3. All Multi-chap fics must have fewer than 300 kudos, and all one-shots must have fewer than 100 kudos, and they must be complete in order to count.

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Multichap-fics

The Ghost in the Machine by @jheqiawrites

As part of this function, Adrien knew about Monarch, the akuma butterflies, the victims, and, of course Ladybug and Cat Noir, the heroes of Paris. He was authorized to contact the Ladyblog as well as the citywide alert system if one of his platforms was active during an akuma manifestation, allowing his friends to get somewhere safe until Ladybug and Cat Noir could deal with the situation

While the necessity of these functions was disconcerting, it was programmed to be his routine so he gradually grew used to the inconsistencies. After all, humans tended to be selfish, highly inconsistent, and often flighty, but once you had observed them for a while an intelligence such as his could begin to see the patterns.

That is until she came online.

This fic is fantastic! I adored diving into Adrien Alliance’s thoughts, his emotions, as he slowly evolved, became more aware, and more... well, human, I guess you could say. You can easily tell he’s based on Adrien with how similar his character traits are, how he latches onto Marinette especially, and even get jealous at times. But also how he grows from that, becomes a better person, and ultimately values other people and their happiness above himself. He has some magnificent character growth that all culminates in a heart-wrenching finale!

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in case you don’t know me tomorrow by @thelibraryloser

“We live in a crazy world where pieces of our lives can be erased like they never even happened. I just wanted to memorize this moment so… so I could keep it, if that makes sense.”

Adrien's heart gave a little flutter. She wanted to keep this moment, meeting him. She wanted to keep… him.

“I understand exactly what you mean."

In a world that has created a way to selectively delete memories, no moment is truly safe. So how do you hold on to something when the memory of it is gone? And how do you keep fighting for someone when you're the only one who remembers?

Yes, I know I already recced this fic in my top ML fics of 2022 post, no, I don’t care. The fact that this hasn’t gotten more attention is a travesty. It just... it’s its own complete story and Adrien’s and Marinette’s fumbling around, trying to figure out what to do after Gabriel tears them apart, finding their way to each other despite everything... it’s amazing.

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Stealing Freedom by @rosie-b

Adrien Agreste was a good person. Marinette knew this to be true, of course; she wouldn’t be marrying him if he were some irredeemable villain. No, her fiancé was practically the opposite of evil. He cooed over babies and kittens, literally stopped to smell the roses and always brought large bouquets of them to dates. He had trouble killing spiders and bugs, begging his partner to take on the task whenever she was around to save him. Adrien was the sweetest person Marinette knew, the most kindhearted, the most forgiving; he was almost too perfect for her sometimes.

But now, Marinette knew that the same Adrien who still blushed when his fiancée kissed him was also the well-known terror of Paris, Cat Walker.

Now, this fic really SHOULD have been in my top fics for 2022 post. I’m a sucker for enemies au and I love a good Sentiadrien fic, so combining the two of them here is great! I feel so bad for Adrien, and I love that the heroes know from early on that Cat Walker isn’t really the enemy here. It’s short, but it’s sweet.

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Strangely Familiar by @sunfoxfic

Alya Césaire’s life is perfect. Indeed, between the success of the Ladyblog, how well she’s doing in school, and the fact that she’s a superhero who has never bore the weight of a crisis of epic proportions, her life almost couldn’t be better. Almost.

But Alya has always been a go-getter, and so she’ll chase after that perfect life if it kills her. Which is how she ends up rushing to move out of her father’s apartment and in with Marinette, Adrien, and a complete stranger: Nino Lahiffe. And in fact, her life does seem perfect — she and Nino are fast friends. They spend a lot of time together and get to know each other really well.

But in the end, fortunate situations will bear unfortunate truths, and she learns things about herself that aren’t quite comfortable. Like I said, though: Alya has always been a go-getter, and she won’t let new feelings deter her from chasing after her perfect life.

This one is still criminally underrated, which I’m guessing is because it’s DJWifi-centric. It’s really worth checking out though, it really fleshes Alya and Nino out, and there are even some Lovesquare-esque shenanigans going on, since they don’t know each other’s identities.

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life’s waiting to begin by kopycat_101

Marc is the shy and soft-spoken Prince of the Underworld, used to being ignored at best and feared at worst. He greatly admires Nathaniel, the Prince of Nature, who’s much too out of his league. Handsome, kind, charming, and charmingly modest, with hair as red as a rose and talented artists' hands.

Yearning for the love of a nature deity when he’s a deity of death is beyond ridiculous, so Marc keeps his hopes low.

But an encounter at the border between the Underworld and the surface leads the two to speaking, which leads to Marc showing Nathaniel his writing and Nathaniel his art. And from there blooms a beautiful friendship…Or maybe more.

This is a marvelous Hades and Persephone inspired story, with a fair bit of drama going on near the end. Marc and Nathaniel may be from two different worlds, and their powers may clash, but that won’t keep them from seeing each other, however much the other gods may wish otherwise.

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Forging Our Own Ending by Ryleesheep

It was one thing, to know your father was Hawkmoth. It was entirely another thing to watch him transform with your own eyes. Adrien watched it again and again, his Lady by his side, determined to find the truth. No matter how many tries it would take.

Brilliant Hawkmoth Takedown fic here, it differentiates itself from most of the pack with how strategic it is, especially with the use of Second Chance. I love how it shows every use of it, with all the differing reactions and information gained from every loop, until finally everything can be put into motion.

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Into the Unknown by NUMBER1ANGIRL

Marinette Dupain-Cheng has been Ladybug for 12 years now. She’s been fighting Hawkmoth by herself in this time, without the partner she was promised. When Hawkmoth is defeated, she starts fighting a new villain, and the strange ache of something she wasn’t aware was missing.

This fic is great. Gabriel sent Adrien away immediately after he received the ring, so he never even got to meet Ladybug. She ended up assembling an entire team to compensate, and when they finally defeated Hawkmoth over a decade later, Adrien’s called back to France in order to deal with Gabriel’s affairs. Which Marinette is very suspicious of...

Oh also Marinette and Luka had a daughter from a one-night stand, and while the two of them are great friends, they’re not married. The daughter, Sara, is great and a lot more perceptive than she’s given credit for. Quite the little Adrienette shipper too!

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Gabriel’s Big Mistake by LilacEnthusiast and Mr_BlackCat

Gabriel makes a bad decision, and it backfires horribly. Shenanigans ensue.

This is a fantastic and brilliant fic. It’s a “crack treated seriously” type fic, with Gabriel doing a ceremony to try to make himself more powerful, and turning himself into a butterfly as a result. His attempts to write a note to Nathalie are less than successful. He’s attacked by a bird, saved by Nino, and becomes his pet butterfly, Subwoofer. But his butterfly mind slowly starts overwriting his human one over time...

This is both a hilarious and an angsty fic, all wrapped into one. Kind of reminds me of how Fullmetal Alchemist is both hilarious and tragic at times, though this one leans more towards the humor. It also has a sequel, which is sadly incomplete, but still worth checking out. Seriously, check out this fic!

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Butterflies Don’t Speak: Gabriel’s Version by Falling Papillon

Nathalie gets struck with an akuma. Her mind gets sent a year into the future. She starts to live her days backwards up to the day she was akumatized.

Gabriel and Nathalie fall in love with each other backwards.

For doctor who fans, you know the Doctor and River Songs? It’s like that but Gabenath and ACTUALLY reversed timelines and instead of “spoilers” its “butterflies dont speak”

This story is in Gabriel’s pov. Nathalie’s pov is in a separate story since they are both going through time differently. I recommend reading one pov at a time but you can read it however you wish!

Butterflies Don’t Speak: Nathalie’s Version by Falling Papillon

Nathalie gets struck with an akuma. Her mind gets sent a year into the future. She starts to live her days backwards up to the day she was akumatized.

Gabriel and Nathalie fall in love with each other backwards.

For doctor who fans, you know the Doctor and River Songs? It’s like that but Gabenath and ACTUALLY reversed timelines and instead of “spoilers” its “butterflies dont speak”

This story is in Nathalie’s pov. Gabriel’s pov is in a separate story since they are both going through time differently. I recommend reading one pov at a time but you can read it however you wish!

So truthfully? These stories (or this story more like, it’s the same story from two different perspectives) is the reason I made this list, and I specifically waited until they were complete to post this rec list.

I have ADORED reading through them both as the author posted them, usually posting one chapter of each at the same time, so that we, the audience, learned what was going on at the same time as the characters. And then to see the crossover point, to get to where we saw what one character experienced, and then to see it from the others point of view... it was just great.

The romance-in-reverse, with both of them slowly warming up to the idea of getting together, of letting go of trying to bring Emilie back, and enjoying what they have together instead, and then having to watch as the other person slowly forgets everything they’ve experienced together as they go forwards or backwards in time (depending on whose perspective you’re reading) is just... it’s great.

And the way both Gabriel and Nathalie start off frustrated with how the other person refuses to tell them what the future holds, until they get used to it, and then gradually as they move through the story THEY end up being the one concealing information... the reversed passage of time just makes for such interesting scenarios!

Oooh, I also love how it complicated gift-giving, since objects only travel forwards, not backwards in time. Gabriel and Adrien have to be creative about gift-giving in order to have any success!

Just... this format, with the way time works, and how it affects both Gabriel and Nathalie, just... it’s very creative, I love it a lot, and honestly I’m probably gonna keep it in mind because I could see wanting to write a story for some other couple at some point in time using a similar idea.

One-shots

I Won’t Let You by @generalluxun

After Gabriel's defeat, two individuals not party to the celebration run into each other, and find each other.

I’ve talked about this one before and I’ll talk about it again. Or rather, rave XD.

The way that Chloe and Felix almost dance around each other to try to get the other person to understand why they’re unhappy and even kind of scared, comparing who has it worse, with Chloe making Felix understand how she’s treated by her parents and the expectations society has for her, and Felix making her understand, viscerally, the sword of Damocles he’s under... it’s brilliant and poetic, and beautiful to read.

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When You Broke Me by @emmalylis

Adrien runs away from home. Gabriel simply replaces him with a sentimonster duplicate. Of course, it isn’t an exact copy…

This is short, but really intriguing, I’d love to read more of this! This new SentiAdrien is innocent and confused about what’s going on, he thinks he has amnesia, not knowing that Gabriel just full-on made him as a replacement after Adrien ran away. The original Adrien is compassionate towards him, even as he tries to figure out what’s going on and what to do.

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The Little Things by christallized

Marc's going on a date with Nath and he only has a few hours to prepare. What will they do? What should they eat? What will Marc wear? Will Nath like all the little things Marc worked so hard to set up to give them the absolutely best, most perfect date?

(Also there's an Akuma breaking reality into an endless, painful fragmentation of horror and suffering but that's not important)

This fic is just fun. Marc is mostly worried about his date, while ignoring the Welcome to Nightvale-esque horror going on all around him. The cashier may be floating in the air with his body being puppeteered around and his detached head screaming, but there’s no reason to let that ruin Marc’s date plans!

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#ml fanfic rec #miraculous ladybug #miraculous fanfiction #ml fanfic

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cuethediscoandthedrinks · 2 years

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your steve brat tamer smut- omfg im dead 😭 i took a break from tumblr and this is the first thing i read when i came back i cant do this rn im a slut for steve harrington 🧎‍♀️

also i’ve been thinking a lot abt this and i feel like you would have a great opinion on this:

who would make up the best threesome from stranger things…like two other people who would absolutely just ruin you but in the best way possible

me personally i say billy and steve or johnathan and nancy but atp i’d fuck abt anyone from hawkins

but amazing smut as always they never disappoint 😌❤️

ngl i've had this in the inbox for a bit, but after some thought, here u go lovely <3

threesome with henry creel + billy hargrove HCs~

now, this is by no means my ultimate favourite, but this is the one that came clear as day to me...

🧡ik, wtf they're both crazy, aggressive, psychopathic dudes with a thirst for power and vengeance, buut

🧡they're both mean!doms to the fullest, and if you could take it, they would like highkey ruin ur ass

🧡both scary asf, but henry would have the patience. he's calm, collected, reserved, disciplined, serious, measured. but he's also aggressive, intimidating, dominant and hypersexual

🧡billy is domineering, big, loud, assertive, energetic; but he's also stern, strict, black and white, forceful and sadistic. and lowkey....they'd fuck w u and each other pretty well. like maybe i'm going to hell but *shrugs in whore*

🧡paired together though??? scary. scary like, oop my vagina just fluttered and pulsed bc omg imagine them taking you from both ends, like-

🧡that, coupled with billy's more guttural, throaty groans, now hoarse form the hours of play you've been indulging in, bc foreplay is a necessity if you're to take either one, but esp both together

🧡as mentioned, he's much thicker and longer than henry, i think. as much as you adore his throbbing, swollen cock, henry is likewise enthralled at the size and length,

🧡bc although long, he's not nearly as big, and it only makes his dick stiffen in his tight white trousers for both billy's cock, but better yet, billy base-deep inside your sticky, pulsing opening.

🧡billy's not one for a lot of words though, so i think a lot of it would revolve around billy doing his best to go easy or, conversely, going harder than you've ever experienced, and henry doing his best to temper the incrementing intensity of billy's thrusts and the accompanying bucking of your hips into his hard cock

🧡i think henry's a bit of a cuck/voyeur too, so a lot of his favourite foreplay would be watching you suck off billy's slicked up length, sloppy and wet just like he wants it;

🧡meanwhile henry sits on the other side of the room; eyes trained on the way your mouth does its best to accommodate billy's thickness, likely at least partially unsuccessfully

🧡despite henry being the neater, more collected one, he's def got a secret kink for the sloppier, messier, lazier kind of kissing and foreplay; but his inner superiority-complex would at least initially stop him from going after it,

🧡so i think seeing billy just unabashedly have his way with you; slurping, slobbering, licking, spitting, slapping, grabbing, yk, would have an unusually intense effect on henry.

🧡i could go into the power dynamic and play here ofc, but i'll leave it as is and gauge the vibe. if y'all dig the billy/henry/x energy, lmk..bc mean!dom henry and billy, brat-taming the hell out of you - or, henry making you punish billy via edging and impact!play on henry's behalf - it's def smth i could get down with

anywhooo, there u go kelsie. hope u enjoyed. <3

if u want smth like this, feel free to request here!

taglist bc y not: @enamorededdie @ringpop-poppy @spicedchaiandromeda @stargirlfics @anythingjimhopper @goodboyriddler @punanisher @spideyheart @anisbaby @princesssmimi @thedanoriddler @lost-in-sokovia @killerlookz @kelsiejayy @mypoisonedvine @meeshasmind @creme-bruhlee @spilledkauffie @kaylawritesfics @vivian-rutledge @inklore @babybugwrites @littlepadika @underratedcharactersimagines @becca-e-barnes @callsign-rogueone @wishilovedyouinthe80s @jaiheats @freshfleshandblood @axen-gers @c0untryclub @wingedjellyfishrebel @fandomsfuelme @interplanetarytraveler @supe-r-nova @kelsiejayy

#stranger things #stranger things smut #stranger things x reader #billy hargrove #billy hargrove smut #billy hargrove x reader #billy hargrove x you #henry creel #henry creel x reader #henry creel x you #henry creel smut #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington smut #eddie munson smut #eddie munson x reader

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jalebi-weds-bluetooth · 4 months

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IPKKND thought i would love your take on:

I think when it comes to Shyam's revelation scene the only disappointment i felt was in Arnav's reaction which we can chalk upto Barun's unavailability but its honestly not surprising that other members didnt respond very strongly. We have a bias as viewers since we are witness to everything so we are aggressively countering Shyam's arguments from our screen. But for everyone else its a massive shock and they dont wanna jump the gun about a decision which will possibly break the family. Even with Khushi, she was a victim and its very unfair for us to expect her to counter this logically like a debate. This took a heavy emotional toll on her which is why its understandable why she is mumbling even if she is in the right. Same with her confrontation scene with Arnav. For Khushi, these moments are too overwhelming to be able to answer the questions thrown at her with logical. Maybe once her emotions are settled down a bit but in the moment i totally understand it and i dont feel its OOC like many claim. I would've loved to see her actually sit through it and talk it out with someone who has the emotional bandwidth to help her or atleast listen to her. But yeah I don't understand when people expect her to be bold and bindass when she is confronting (kind of) her abuser.

Hi Anon,

This is an absolutely valid point. You see my issue with these scenes is actually not the characters but the INTENT of these scenes and the tightness of the writing and how well it delivers a payoff.

As you’ve aptly put out - expecting rationality from Khushi from either situations is unfair cause she’s in deep stress and there’s a HUGE shock for most characters when they come to hear what Shyam and Khushi have to say.

But the INTENT is what ruins both of these scenes.

During the final showdown between Arnav and Khushi on the terrace - the very fact that Khushi’s attempt to unalive herself is treated with comedy is disgusting and disparaging.

Out of everything that could’ve been a trigger for Khushi to demand the truth, for her to go with Arnav has married her to get rid of his fault on his astronomical birth chart is so stupid. The makers are going “lol, Khushi so crazy she can think anything!”

The show keeps branding Khushi as “crazy”, which, to be honest, after a point is offensive because Khushi’s inability to rationalize is a serious problem if it’s leading to her justification on unaliving herself over things that don’t exist at all.

She needs help, serious help.

It’s not even played for dark humour. Rather slapstick humor.

And when I talk about her and Arnav’s conversation - the dialogues aren’t veered towards an angst or angry conversation! In fact a few things are kept in mind for their showdown.

1. Arnav needs to insult Khushi’s character as much as possible (right after she tried to unalive herself for his happiness - WTF?)

2. Khushi has to be fulfill the necessity of a good bahu. That is, her motivation to hide Shyam’s truth is never the honest threat it posed to Payal’s impending marriage. Rather Khushi is such a nice bahu that she wants to preserve Anjali’s ideals of marriage and happiness. This is very very ITV sanskaar coded because Shyam has harassed Khushi at multiple points by this time and it’s never shown that she’s bound to preserve Anjali’s marriage by no choice but that she truly believes Anjali should be kept happy (because Arnav won’t be able to take the truth?) and that Khushi is perfectly fine with Anjali staying married with a harasser.

3. No acknowledgement of Khushi being harassed and absolutely nothing to show Khushi being at fault and nothing to indicate to Arnav he might be mistaken. This is critical. The show keeps wanting to maintain that Arnav’s terrible opinion of Khushi is unchanged! Arnav’s PTSD is conveniently forgotten (which they remember every other time) and Khushi will absolutely not clear anything that can give Arnav another perspective. The show, despite showing harassment multiple times, sidesteps from acknowledging Khushi is being harassed. So Khushi obviously has no “idea” of the terrace. And it’s not written that she’s so traumatized she has suppressed it.

4. Khushi needs to prove herself to Arnav. Arnav has emotionally and verbally abused Khushi multiple times in this marriage and they had to ensure that this is all about Khushi proving her character to a man who never believed she had one. It’s terrible because Khushi needs to prove that she’s not having a relationship with the man who has been sexually harassing her. No justification is expected from Shyam and he’s pretty much Scot free for sexually harassing Khushi.

This showdown was everything. We needed a PAYOFF. A payoff for why Arnav was quiet for three months. A payoff for the whole misunderstanding.

You realize this would’ve been perfectly angsty if Arnav came to the conclusion that Khushi ultimately chose to condemn Anjali in a terrible marriage because it would protect Payal’s marriage. This was a valid reason to be upset on Khushi that is non sexist.

And Arnav makes far more sense in these episodes than Khushi does. And this is important because for the show Arnav has to maintain his misunderstanding of Khushi.

Khushi dissociates in traumatic situations - again this is not addressed and this is a grave situation.

And now coming to the Shyam revelation scene. I feel this was a perfect situation to give the other characters dialogues to explain their utter confusion.

Because the intent of this episode was to show “oh Arnav believes her over everything” and the whole family needs to have doubts over Khushi’s character and I was just personally DONE with a female lead’s character come up in question multiple times.

And the intent is to make Arnav feel heroic for slapping Shyam.

That’s why it makes no sense why Khushi admits she said she hated Arnav and wanted his property to lure Shyam out. What is the intent of this?

To show Arnav still believes her and he’s hero?

Shyam had the best dialogues and Arnav had the least impactful. They needed to give Arnav dialogues (everyone else could have had more valid follow up questions). Arnav’s dialogue is so bleh and the things is Arnav KNOWS.

He isn’t blindly choosing Khushi - he just saw Shyam switch narratives because Shyam himself told Arnav that HE is obsessed with Khushi and he’ll do anything to get Khushi back!!

And it’s again to really horn in that “oh Arnav has defected towards his wife who we can’t quite trust,”

So you see these cause an issues.

It’s not a payoff to Arnav having misunderstood her so grossly. They tried to do it but it came out flat as best barring Shyam - man what amazing dialogues and it’s so in character because he IS a lawyer.

And like what was with NK behaving like as if he was going to flip on Khushi?

See moments like these heighten my issue with these scenes. Neither gives a payoff to the misunderstanding of the terrace night.

So these are my point of views.

Thank you and take care,

- JWB

#ipkknd #iss pyaar ko kya naam doon #ask #anon

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moxijunk · 1 month

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Okay okay first of all I'm never ever going to be able to be normal abt the way you draw TKITN I'm. I'm losing my MIND dude the north au? Oh I have so little idea whats happening but I'm kinda putting it together I think (I have no idea where the au started) but I'm just. Its so cool. Its so fuckin cool. Gnawing on the north au like a chew toy oh my GOD its so cool. Also again your TKITN design is nuts dude.

Oh, what a great segue to talk about the basis of this au (mainly cause there's a LOT of lore and scenes in this that, oml dude, IT'S A LOT TRUST ME, all kinds of things happen, and it gets,,, crazy)

So for an introduction to this madness (I apologize in advance for all the reading):

This is an au based around Tkitn being possessed by an entity called "The North", y'know, the person you see with the glowy yellow eyes. The North is an entity of the North itself, and had ended up possessing Legundo because [REDACTED, no spoilers about this scene yet] Whenever you see tkitn with said yellow eyes (I call them "star eyes") that is when he is fully possessed by the North. Even when he's not currently being possessed, tkitn has this entity inside his body at all times. They're stuck stuck together. With that said, they even have a partial possession over tkitn when the North doesn't fully possess him (they can slip their own words out of tkitn's mouth, sometimes making it seem like tkitn said those words, even if he didn't -most of the time, tkitn is aware of the words, sometimes he has no idea what the North said- On the other hand, the North could also prohibit tkitn from saying anything at all, restricting his ability to speak, if they don't want to hear/allow tkitn to say the things he's gonna say. Also, the North can have some control of tkitn's body when they're partially possessing him. (There's some fun scenes with that))

The entire North is classified as Their Domain

Tkitn's own morals don't fully agree with the North itself

The North sort of has a bloodlust, along with being a really good fighter. To the ordinary person, it seems like tkitn is absolutely wrecking people in the battlefield, when in reality, tkitn's skill set does not match up with the North's at all. The North has plenty of supernatural abilities, being an entity and all.

(I give credit to @betweenlands for being the one to help me/make the next two bullet lists based on their knowledge/speculations)

1.) List of the North's abilities (there's more than just this, but this is what has been spoiled/leaked to either a group and/or a single person, mostly being friends of mine):

Supernatural speed/strength/resiliency when possessing someone

Can compel other people (that they aren't possessing) to do things no matter how hostile that person may be to them

Can pull the person they're possessing into a sort of dreamscape they have complete control over if/when their host becomes unconscious (this does include when tkitn is asleep)

Able to rummage around their hosts mind, and memories (can fuck up things in tkitn's mind if they really wanted to, fun scenes with this)

Has weather and ice magic abilities (the post with the words "stuck in the permafrost" as a little example)

Second sight (not like a full on second sight tho, idk how to explain it)

Telepathy with tkitn

Surely this counts -> Being able to physically exhausted tkitn's body (as in, as long as they're in possession of tkitn for any amount of time, literally all of time, even, they wouldn't have to eat, or drink, or any of the survival necessities, but when they unpossessed tkitn, tkitn would feel exhausted because of all that time not doing the necessities, like a status thing rather than a physical thing, if that makes sense)

And the rest are [REDACTED]

2.) Characterization lists (from what @betweenlands knows of my au so far, they can put characterization details into words/phrasing better than I can, so I'm using the information that they know of them so far)

The main characters - Tkitn, The North, Grady, Viking

TKITN:

outwardly friendly, generally approachable, usually goes with the flow, but has his stubborn moments

Tactically minded, slow to trust people and a little bit paranoid

Not much interested in power, but wants to do right by his people and is a pretty good leader

Generally avoids killing people when at all times possible, prefers negotiation, decent at combat, but isn't his strong suit

As more time passes, they seemed to have more beef with the North killing people than he does with them possessing him (cause they had time being stuck with one another, so tkitn got used to the whole "possession thing". In the beginning, this was completely different)

THE NORTH:

Generally cold and reserved in demeanor, speaks slightly more formally

Grumpy, wants the other kingdoms off their domain, would literally stab someone as a warning

Thinks they know better than everyone, isn't as condescending as they could be, not as subtle as they think they are

Can and will make whatever decision they think is correct without running it by other people first, up to and including murder

Does care about people, but tends to hide the full extent of those emotions

GRADY:

Knows about the North (the post with "your secret's safe" as a little example) and may have something to do with the North being there in the first place (<- @betweenlands speculation) That's scene is [REDACTED]

Cares a lot about both tkitn and the North, wants them both to be alright

Usually pretty boisterous and cheerful, but has his serious moments (especially around the North)

VIKING:

Knows about the North due to an altercation between the two of them (the post with "your secret's out" as a little example) , thinks Legundo is keeping the North secret on purpose and intentionally lying to the rest of the northerners about his powers, aware the North threatened to kill him (also the two page snippet as a great example)

Seems to have wanted to trust Legundo before finding out about this (as with many Vikings) he seems to have a weird idea of what being "friends" with people entails, still, as far as is known, he was very loyal to Legundo before The Incident

Isn't human, but has been seemingly keeping that fact pretty low-key, is a bit spoooy, very very observant, seems like he might be interested in doing blackmail

Loves to snoop, surprisingly good lair

(once again want to thank @betweenlands for letting me use their words/phrasings/speculations for this)

Any questions, comments, concerns, you know where to put them :) I may or may not have missed a few things that I wanted to say/spoil, buts that's alright. It's a good basis anyways.

#thenorthau #legundo #tkitn #vikingpilot #grady #gradyttv #mcyt

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charcubed · 2 years

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I keep seeing posts that are like "interpretations of bi!Dean and gay!Dean are equally valid!" and I used to be like, sure, straight!Dean is definitely wrong but beyond that, see him how you want, who cares.

But now (esp after the Last Call script) I just don't understand the gay!Dean truthers? I follow quite a few on sm, and when I initially followed them I was like "they accept Dean is queer, that's good enough for me." But now they're really starting to get to me and it's not really worth arguing about to them, but I wanted to rant to you about it, cuz you get it.

The script literally included "gorgeous women" in the bar. Dean has canonically been sexually AND romantically attracted to women. He's based off THEE bisexual Neal Cassady.

Like I'm not really trying to defend m/w relationships (lol) but why do even queer ppl insist on erasing his identity when it's so clear? Why do they have to take that away?

Gay!Dean in AUs is one thing, but in the actual, textual canon of the show, Dean is bi. And no, gay!Dean and bi!Dean are NOT equally valid interpretations. And I don't think I'm an asshole for saying that 🤷🏼‍♀️

Sorry it took a few days to get to this. Work and life have kept me busy and tired!

Unironically and non-sarcastically, Anon, I'm glad you've seen the light and seem to understand this topic more now. You are, of course, entirely correct. And you're not an asshole for saying it either.

I'm going to take this opportunity to answer your (potentially rhetorical) questions, and also bounce off of you and lay some stuff out about this topic in general at length for the first time–despite the fact that it may turn me into public enemy #1 again. I am already hated for non-combatively voicing these facts on Twitter (this thread tends to be considered one of the "ground zeroes" of the nonexistent "debate" lol), but I have avoided being dog-piled on Tumblr so far, so... fingers crossed I can miraculously keep it that way!

My hope is that anyone who is predisposed to taking this topic very personally just moves on instead of attacking me (or subposting me?) for any of what I'm about to say. I'm also not forcing anyone to read this, before anyone's like "that's way too many words" or "it's not that serious lol."

I do think this topic is important. I've made the decision to publicly spell out why. And if anyone doesn't want to read it, that's their prerogative.

To your questions, Anon:

I think a lot of this comes down to a fandom-wide problem (all fandoms recently, not just SPN) of not understanding the difference between headcanon and canon, the dimensions as to why that distinction does have its uses and its necessity, and the value in both. I'll get into this later.

But in this fandom specifically, based on observation and lengthy conversations I've had with a dozen long-time fans who are my friends... I personally think it's maybe a new dimension of viewpoint that's branched out from a holdover of "all interpretations are valid" being the party line people have clung to a very long time. (That’s also true in other fandoms, but I think it’s especially true here.) It's a form of solace people don't want to deviate from. No one wants to be seen as or feel like the ~jerk~ who's ~invalidating another person's view of canon~ in response to someone else's knee-jerk reaction of hurt. This is a fandom with early-2000s cultural baggage and context, where people dealt with feeling like the "crazy fangirls" who shipped Destiel and dared to call out queer subtext. Misha's "You're not crazy" tweet exists for a reason. I do feel like a lot of well-meaning people–aside from misunderstanding or being ignorant to the analytical roots of this topic and why they absolutely matter–just know what it feels like to have their thoughts on queer content in a show feel "invalidated," and they don't want to be perceived as doing that to other people. And/or: they’ve felt invalidated before (in this fandom or others!), and so they’re hypersensitive to anything they perceive as doing that to them again, especially if they tied personal identity into the projections they’re making onto the media they enjoy.

I understand that people don’t want to seem ~mean~ or make waves. I also don't want to seem mean or be mean, which is why I try to be as clear as possible whenever I talk about this and I never go after people directly (or interact/reference any of the many subtweets from people who openly talk shit about me. haha). But the facts shouldn't be seen as "mean"; they are simply facts. And yes, they absolutely matter.

Because the thing is... none of the above has any bearing on the nuances of the topic at hand, the indisputable fact that Dean is bisexual in canon and that claiming otherwise is erasure, and the truth that none of this should be seen as a threat to people's headcanons.

These are all things that people should understand, and I will not apologize for knowing that and saying it. Misunderstanding this–making the false claim that “all interpretations of Dean’s sexually are equally valid as long as you see him as queer”–is an act of bisexual erasure in this context, and it often (unintentionally!) plays into biphobic talking points. And yeah, in my opinion, that’s something people should care about because it’s worthy of both personal and fandom examination. It is, in fact, why “representation” matters at all.

Let’s not kid ourselves: the bulk of this fandom-wide discourse is about Bi Dean vs Gay Dean. So, y’know, that’s the bulk of how I’m going to address it to just get it all out there.

Right out the gate, let me clarify this: I am not saying–now or ever–that those who are self-proclaimed “Gay Dean truthers” or argue that “Dean being gay in canon is a valid interpretation” are deliberately coming from a place of malice and the intent to contribute to bisexual erasure. By all means, I’m sure most aren’t! Nonetheless, intent does not equal impact. I’ve even seen people say “I’m a Gay Dean truther and I’m bisexual, so how could I possibly be contributing to bi erasure by arguing for Gay Dean?” But in this situation–as in any other–no one is immune from unwittingly perpetuating harm, even including bi people. And it’s important to understand why that is.

“Interpretations” are not opinions, not all are equal, and they do require some level of skill. This is not a personal attack, or a moral judgement on anyone, or somehow a threat to people’s enjoyment of a favorite character. It is just fact.

Gay Dean is not a valid possibility in canon. There is no lens that justifies an argument of it with canonical basis. I have to break down why, in order to sufficiently express why claiming otherwise is a harmful position to take, so bear with me.

(No, this is not an invitation for a Gay Dean truther to treat this like a “debate” with me or waste time writing out a counterargument. Please just exit the tab if you’re somehow here battling that urge.)

For someone to say that Dean is gay in canon, here is an incomplete list of what has to be erased, ignored, or explained away:

• His sexual attraction to, romantic love for, and relationship with Cassie.

• His sexual attraction to, romantic love for, and relationship with Lisa (whether or not one thinks she was ever the ~ultimate love of his life~, attraction and love were present.)

• His stash of and enjoyment of porn that includes women, which is referenced many times.

• The moments where he was seduced by a female-presenting monster.

• Each and every time he made a reference to or joke about his attraction to women.

• Any fling he ever had with a woman on screen, and the enjoyment he had in the process.

The man is canonically sexually and romantically attracted to women, and he has acted upon that and even enjoys that about himself in wildly diverse contexts. It is a blatant part of the text of the show. (The fact that we are at the point where this is somehow a main point of contention rather than his attraction to men does make me feel a tiny bit insane, to be honest.)

Now, in my experience (which I don’t claim is comprehensive!), the people who argue for Gay Dean tend to explain ALL of this away under some form of universal umbrella of Dean being “performative,” a variation on compulsive heterosexuality they ascribe to him. The claim or explanation tends to be that Dean was performing a mostly-faked attraction to women based on his father’s expectations and outward pressures he received in the culture of his life. Moments are often cherry-picked out of context to support this “reading.”

Who is Dean supposedly performing FOR, even in the moments where he acts on his attraction to women when he is alone? How does this explain his significant relationships with women like Cassie and/or the legitimate visible enjoyments he received from those interactions, as well as his flings with women throughout the show? How does this explain things like the Last Call script, where Dean is very clearly written as attracted to “gorgeous women,” a factoid that is not only very clear on screen but also (of course) written in literal black and white?

(There are no sufficient answers to these rhetorical questions. Once again: please do not waste time trying to give me any.)

And what evidence are Gay Dean people using for comphet or performative Dean? The “evidence” is often a misread of canon, pointing towards the consistent theme and false goal presented in the text of the show of characters’ efforts to strive for an “apple pie life,” aka a heteronormative ideal family. Gay Dean people misrepresent what this theme and through-line in the show is actually about, which is the totality of learning to accept your life rather than striving for something ill-fitting, that what you need and want need not be mutually exclusive (family life including fulfilling romance + hunting life can coexist), family is what you make of it and how you define it, and there are no true limitations on what all of this “should” be. While these themes are inherently queer, they are not about narrow performances of masculinity, femininity, or sexual identity, but about making space for ALL forms of all of the above–AND about identifying what it is that one wants and thinks they can’t have.

Namely, for Dean, that’s a version of settling down in a life that fulfills him in every direction, with an open and honest mutual relationship with the person he is in love with. This latter point would be true whether Cas was a man or a woman (though the fact that he is a man of course adds further dimension of interest to the story). Dean doesn’t think he can have a romantic relationship / family that lasts, and by later seasons that yearning is a key part of his character. The times it didn’t work out for him weren’t because those other people were women, but rather because the “lesson” he internalized from traumatic instances of loss is that hunters don’t get to do ~the love thing~ or get the settled down life. This is stated in the text of the show multiple times, and that’s also why Dean seeing examples of hunters who made any kind of balanced life work (especially masculine queer hunters like Jesse and Cesar) is pointed and purposeful. To say it’s about comphet instead (with no sufficient canon evidence that supports that) disregards a key point that’s central to Supernatural’s story, and in my opinion it disregards it to its detriment.

For Dean’s journey in particular, it is about freedom from limitations of structure, and knowing that he contains multitudes. The things he got from John–loving classic rock and loving his car, for example–are no less core joyful parts of Dean simply because they originated from his father. Dean can love classic rock and still occasionally love a Taylor Swift song, for example. He can love cowboy movies and manly movies, and also enjoy chick-flicks. It’s the idea of learning that there are no limitations, not that masculine interests are not inherently something he loves for himself or that aren’t important parts of his identity. It’s an expansion to openly include more, not a switch or a narrowing. The same applies to his sexual attraction and his queer identity. He can be attracted to cowboys and bikers, and also be attracted to gorgeous women. Him being attracted to / loving women does not mean he cannot and does not feel attraction and love for men; likewise, him being in love with a man does not mean he wasn’t and isn’t attracted to women.

(“Last Call,” as an episode, exists in part to drive the totality of these points home, and emphasize that Dean’s attraction to men is something he’s known about himself for most of his life and acted on previously. So is most of the queercoding and queer subtext applied to Dean–which is specifically coding him as bisexual. His attraction to men is sometimes established or made clear because it echoes his attraction to women, etc. etc. Dean’s canonical attraction to men is a whole other post.)

So here we come to why saying otherwise and trying to shoehorn a comphet narrative onto Dean in canon is harmful:

Aside from the fact that to claim Dean’s joyful attraction to women is performative is to cut out chunks of the story and is thus not supported by canon, and it relies on making assumptions about and projecting onto the text… unintentionally or not, the implication is that bisexuality is not queer enough, or that being gay is somehow “queerer” and thus more compelling and a preferred concept, and that attraction to different genders is a heterosexual / straight trait requiring removal. No one is queering a text in a more revolutionary way or unlocking a ~secret good Supernatural~ by making a bisexual man into a gay man. That’s simply not how this works.

“Preferring” an argument for Gay Dean in canon requires explaining away or misreading all of those moments Dean has with women, essentially replacing them with trauma or suffering or discomfort that–in my observations–also sometimes rely on stereotypes of gay men. It also involves potentially preferring to twist them into behaviors Dean must have universally put himself through not out of genuine joyful desire but at minimum because he felt like he “should” or at maximum in an attempt to “fix” his “gayness,” even when no one was watching. And it points to the pressures Dean experienced about living a life that fit him fully–pressures that exist not just in his world, but also in our patriarchal world and society–and it implies that queer people can’t authentically experience attraction or love to someone of a different gender, because maybe they’re actually just “performing” the heteronormative ideal. As in: a “visually queer” relationship is the end goal, right? For Dean, that’s an m/m relationship... so surely m/f matters less, or maybe it can’t be a genuine and significant part of a queer person’s life.

Once again: I do not think any of this is intentional on the part of Gay Dean truthers, nor do I think it’s done with malice. Nonetheless, these harmful biphobic viewpoints permeate these conversations and misconceptions when people say these arguments are valid.

There is no canonical basis for explaining away all of Dean’s moments with women, and the story does not provide or point to any kind of cohesive narrative reason to do so. YES, people absolutely experience comphet in real life, and those experiences are valid and exist. YES, real gay men can and do sleep with or have nuanced romantic relationships with women before realizing they’re gay later in life. No, that does not mean that’s how analysis of a fictional character in a fictional story always works, especially in regards to a story built over time like Supernatural’s unique approach and the way it was molded to place queerness and specifically bisexuality at the core of Dean’s story.

Ascribing comphet to Dean in canon–or making any other insufficient justification for explaining away his attraction to women–is personal projection. And yes, it is bisexual erasure.

This is not a position fueled by personal hurt for me, as I would say the same here whether or not I was personally bisexual. It is an acknowledgement that these conversations don’t exist in a vacuum, and that’s something everyone should care to understand. I know what comphet storylines look like in fiction, and I know they are worth defining as such, and in other fandoms I even defend that very loudly. This is not the case here, and to say it is requires mental acrobatics that are objectively unsupported by canon... and invariably insisting otherwise perpetuates one of these harmful biphobic viewpoints whether or not one realizes it.

To say Gay Dean is a legitimate read of canon–which it is not–supports people who are erasing his varied sexual and romantic attraction to a different gender simply because they’ve decided they want to ignore that. “I like the idea of Dean being gay” does not mean that he is gay in canon, and writing meta to that end is a problem. It’s not an invalidation of someone on a personal level or some weird variation of homophobia to say that, and I do think people should maybe examine why they seemingly like the idea of him being gay more than him being bi, or why they staunchly defend it (or any other “different queer reading”) as a possibility.

I understand there may be the urge to be like “is it that serious” or “this is just a CW show,” but to that I would say… then why are we all here?

Clearly, most people do still care about queer representation on some level and understand that queer subtext is present and acknowledge that Dean isn’t straight... hence the origin of this new prevalent concept of “as long as you say Dean’s queer then it’s fine.”

But in any piece of media, the text is the text is the text. The text can also be compelling, and fascinating, and contain value whether or not it’s an exact reflection of you personally as a fan and as a person. Sometimes there is arguably even greater value in being able to find reasons to relate to the humanity of a character or in a story even though elements differ from who you are personally. It is an exercise in empathy, and it is a pillar of why humans tells stories to each other to expand our viewpoints, and it sometimes results in examining the sources of that empathy. It’s why “representation matters”: not just so we can see ourselves, but so we can see others, and find reason to empathize despite differences. There’s unquantifiable power in that, and it’s also why the diversity of queer experiences and identities should be championed and acknowledged both in fiction and in reality, not turned into a monolith. Our solidarity amongst our individual queer differences and identities is our truest version of strength and authenticity. We are not all exactly the same, and that’s a good thing. When care is taken to specifically convey that in fiction, it is worth not only acknowledgement but also defense.

So: do we or do we not care about why representation is important, and why these sorts of conversations should exist at all? About censorship of queer storylines, and diversity in the queer community, and solidarity in differences? About bisexual men, a vastly underrepresented group in fiction, and the specific censorship that affected Dean’s bi story accordingly? And about how these viewpoints people can place onto fiction through fandom-wide conversation–like implying Dean is ~queerer~ if you say he’s gay, or that you’re somehow sticking it to the CW and “straight culture” if you suggest he’s gay–can influence biphobia that translates into ways people see bi people in real life?

In other situations even in this fandom, people understand the value of diverse queer experiences. No one would dare to say that “you can argue Charlie is bisexual in canon because as long as you say she’s queer it’s fine.” Charlie is a lesbian. It’s very, very clear, and she shows and states that she is only attracted to women. Dean’s attraction to women in canon is equally clear, and is part of his bisexuality. Why is erasing that defendable?

Look: it is people’s God-given right to write whatever fic they want about “what if” variations of Dean’s sexuality through a different lens. It is not their God-given right to make things up about canon and call it analysis.

It is a universal truth that fandom is always going to take canon and mold it into other versions that they love, for their own personal reasons and in ways that have value to them. That’s why transformative works like fic exist, and it’s why fandom is awesome, and I’m glad people use aspects of their favorite stories to tell other inspired stories that are of personal significance to them. But the word transformative is used for a reason: it’s an alteration of canon. It’s not a bad thing or a personal attack on people to say that.

There is a difference between understanding canon and writing actual meta / analysis of the show, and writing AUs for ones own enjoyment and fulfillment. (This is true on AO3 or on Tumblr/Twitter. I often see posts that are positioned as “meta,” but again, are just cherry-picked weirdness.) These differences are important, as is understanding how headcanons and fic affect surrounding conversations and fandom perceptions. And this fandom seems to have a very big problem with understanding the difference between these things, while taking it extremely personally in a negative way when people try to explain why the difference matters.

Confusing analysis and transformative fandom does a disservice to both, and denying the value in the former is not only a form of anti-intellectualism but also removes some of the beauty in the latter. If we can’t distinguish and differentiate between canon and headcanon, we can’t discuss the value in understanding the canon, nor adequately discuss the artistic value and power in creating derivative variations from it in personal ways. Both are different, both are equal, both are vital, and insisting the distinction is needless hampers conversation across every space. And nowhere is that more true than when one is discussing queer representation and queer censorship, like in the case of Supernatural. Again, why are we here? Why do we care? You cannot argue for and discuss the problems of censorship sufficiently if you don’t understand what was censored–and in Dean’s case, that was his love for Cas and his bisexuality.

I leave you with this (probably unneeded) analogy:

Imagine Dean’s a zebra.

(Sorry, EDS community; not that kind of zebra.)

People are trying to say “Dean is a black and white hoofed mammal <3″ and well, that’s accurate, but that doesn’t mean him being a zebra isn’t its own unique thing. A whole bunch of people are looking at him though and saying “well I prefer to say that Dean’s a black and white horse,” because they like that viewpoint better. Close enough, right? A black and white horse is basically a zebra, right? And then there’s the people who are like “I think Dean’s a cow!” and it’s like, okay, no idea where you came from, but whatever.

The point is that those are all entirely different fucking things. They’re different animals. Someone wanting Dean to be a black and white horse doesn’t make him less of a zebra. Pretending otherwise is absolute nonsense.

This debate/discussion/discourse is equally nonsensical. That is the logic (or illogic) that applies here.

Just because Dean is “queer” doesn’t mean any queer categorization underneath that umbrella suddenly equally applies.

Dean is bisexual. And he is “queer” because he’s bisexual.

Those are the facts.

And for the love of God, please... I really don’t think I’m an asshole for saying it.

So, to whoever made it this far: please do me the courtesy of not hating me for it or trying to bait me into a fight.

I’m tired. Thanks.

----

EDIT: Couple of good additions!

• @doctorprofessorsong added some good details about how some of these harmful biphobic concepts translate to real life, and real things that bi people struggle with.

• A lesbian anonymously sent in her perspective as someone who enjoys gay Dean headcanons/fic and agrees with this post, and agrees that the fact that Dean is bi in canon is important.

#dean winchester #supernatural #dean is bi #bisexual dean winchester #HAHA I TOLD MYSELF I WASN'T GOING TO PUT THIS IN THE OFFICIAL TAGS BUT THEN I SPENT HOURS WRITING IT SO FUCK IT #[slaps target on my back and cries] haha here we go #I'm not linking it on twitter though. I don't have that level of masochism in me. maybe this will fly under the radar on here a bit?#spn meta #I take a marijuana level of high road on twitter constantly but fun fact I'm not immune to knowing people hate me for daring to say this #doesn't change the facts though! and unfortunately I do actually give a fuck! even if few others do #maybe this is so long no one will read it #char writes things #also I did absolutely plagiarize myself in parts of this. what about it. ok I'm done goodbye.... screams #PS people CAN reblog this btw. I am being a little baby wincing at potential backlash preemptively but like #I wouldn't have posted it and left reblogs on if I didn't know and accept the risks <3 I will speak the truth idc idc someone's gotta do it #EDIT: I stopped being a coward and posted it on twitter :) because fuck it! I stand by my words etc etc it's all fine #me vs adding to the tags as if anyone's reading them lmfao

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badedramay · 5 months

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sorry to keep coming back here lmaojgkdflhf but i started rewatching (bits and pieces of) mann mayal this past week and like. what a phenomenon. was the plot horrible. yes. did it drive all of us crazy with the melodrama. absolutely. is the fact that it was the note ayesha khan decided to end her career on kind of hysterical. i certainly think so. but something about it was nonetheless so enrapturing. the direction and music production definitely contribute to that but i also think for whatever all of the mess was on top i really was transfixed by mannu's narrative arc. like it was powerful! obv it was easy to get caught up in all of the fine details and chastise mannu for her brashness or stupidity but the point was that she had always had decisions taken for her her entire life. to see a female character so stubborn and possessive about her right to make her own decisions regardless of whatever anyone else with "sense" had to say about them bc her agency was that important to her in a societal context of women's oppression.. it was incredibly liberating! and i hate to bring the fairy tale comparisons back but i think esp in contrast to the latter it was empowering bc post time skip salahuddin was in every aspect The Ideal Guy. he cared about mannu, he bantered with her, he protected her, he was eager to guide her, etc. but that was precisely the problem, bc everything was about his protectiveness over her rather than a respect for her ability to make her own decisions and chart her own life path. to see her refuse to succumb to his will to the very end, the very end! the fact that he had to accept that he could not make her decisions for her and that to be let back into her life again she would have to be absolutely convinced he would respect her agency and desires! just, wow. that final scene in the last episode truly takes my breath away. sameera fazal makes me want to bash my head into a wall with how ridiculous her plots are but i can't lie that i do love the undercurrent themes in a lot of them. it makes me wonder what she'd do with a story if creating melodrama to get views wasn't such a necessity

I've been saying this for YEARS that Mannu was a far stronger character than people gave her credit for. I do blame the direction for literally bahaoing all of Mannu's strengths in the oceans of tears that she was made to shed in every fucking episode. beneath it all, Mannu as a person was just so staunchly protective of her OWN agency that really she can give many characters a masterclass in how to own their destiny. yeah sure, a deeper conversation about whether an agency that is purely masochist an agency worth celebrating can be held here. but there's no denying that Mannu's agency EXISTS. we cannot say the same about so many of the female protagonists. #MannuProtectionSquad!!

I do think Samira Fazal would make a much better short drama writer. Her basic plots are always fun. she just tends to lose the plot when she has to write 30+ episodes of it. which is what happened with Mann Mayal. which is what happens to ANY of her dramas. do you know Shukk? uska bhi yehi haal hua tha. i really enjoyed that drama in its first half and then toh phir toh too much hi hogaya.

Mann Mayal aired at the perfect time which is why the show enjoyed the blockbuster popularity it did. I am thankful it didn't air at the time when armchair "critics" were running their mouths mindlessly criticizing every project on air just to churn out an hour worth of content twice a week. social media trolled and celebrated the drama. Hamza Ali Abbasi was THE darling of the awaam and Maya got to enjoy a peak with Mannu that I am afraid she won't get to enjoy again in any other character. despite all the rubbishness..the show just worked. it didn't bother with giving any social message or sensationalizing for the sake of having a shock value. it was a melodrama, plain and simple, and fully committed itself to the genre. however, years later, the show still contains some moments of sheer brilliance that have not been tainted by time. in fact, I think now is a very good time to go back and watch Mann Mayal with an open mind. with no trolling to distract us or the long wait of a week between episodes to exhaust, and the entirety of the plot easily available on wikipedia to read..Mann Mayal becomes a show that should be watched to appreciate the technical finesse with which it handled some of the show's pivotal moments as well as to finely study the characterization of its very grey protagonists, flaws and virtues all at once.

#mann mayal #for a show that i complained about a lot..i have turned out to be its biggest defender xD

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canmom · 2 years

Text

assorted nona comments

spoilers for Nona the Ninth by tamsyn muir

So. immediate impression: Tamsyn is still an absolute master of character voice. Seems like the transition from Gideon to Harrow is the pattern. And she still has the power to combine compelling darma and wicked humour and groanworthy memes. Which is great.

The depiction of a war zone from a childlike perspective (whether Nona is truly ‘a child’ is complicated lol) is extremely compelling. You have the contrast between the endlessly curious and hopeful tone of Nona's third person limited narration and the gradual collapse of life in conditions of scarcity and omnipresent threat. To Nona, all of this is novel without any point of reference, but we the readers know how things are supposed to be---we can see the traumatised children, the exhausted adults struggling to get necessities and provide some continuity of social institutions like the school.

And in this book we finally get to meet the revolutionaries, Blood of Eden, centre stage. For these guys the question of putting together some kind of new political order is not even on the table, because they're too busy fighting off superpowered space wizards, and their hierarchical military organisation is geared around that (although second to its own continuity!). Still, with the wizards driven off at least for a while, BoE and their 'militia' are the closest thing this city (the only one on the planet? not clear) has to an authority with anything even close to a monopoly on force. But not much of one. And it shows pretty directly how the shock of extreme colonial violence has just unleashed all sorts of further arbitrary violence on anyone who can even vaguely be associated with the regime, and just makes life cheap in general.

Alongside that, the big Reveal is John Gaius's version of how the big backstory played out. Lots of people who are much smarter and more informed about literature than me have talked about interesting angles on this, e.g. comparing it with Nabokov's unreliable narrators. I've never read Nabokov so I can't comment on that but go check out what @gothicismus has to say [one] [two] .

Anyway what strikes me about before any like... grand literary parallels, is like, it's a crazy supervillain backstory! This isn’t a story about a society gradually evolving into a fucked up necromancy world it’s all down to one guy. The story does its best to ground itself with various details but it's still the story of one man accidentally (allegedly!) discovering necromancy, exterminating humanity and binding the Earth's soul into a 'perfect' Barbie doll body, then rebuilding all of society according to his own design.

This does reframe all the genre-y trappings of necromancers and cavaliers etc. as being deliberately evoked by one modern human who figured out how to level up exponentially. He literally starts calling himself a 'necromancer' to sound more intimidating during the story, he’s clearly a big nerd. And we finally know who the Cohort are fighting and why: their colonised subjects are descendents of FTL evacuation ships, which John claims to be a conspiracy of trillionaires trying to escape the failing Earth and leave everyone else to die. (I fully think he believes this. I’m not sure if we do.)

Notably, John then does exactly what he's accusing the 'trillionaires' of doing, by resurrecting only those people he chooses and leaving everyone else dead. Not really surprising that he’s a hypocrite though.

There's a lot of curious holes in John's story, which I'm not entirely sure whether they're just genre trappings or evidence of where he's being duplicitous. The idea of packing all of humanity into cryogenic sleeper ships - John's original plan, ostensibly, which was vetoed by the conspiracy in favour of their FTL scheme - is implausible, even allowing that this is a future where the space elevator problem has apparently been solved. (A technology sufficiently far from what we have that it becomes incredibly grim that cryptocurrency still exists in such a future! Uh, on top of, y'know, the whole apocalypse thing.) The amount of energy of shifting billions of humans up the gravity well and accelerating them to solar system escape speeds, plus all the material needed to keep them alive, are just ridiculous, a nonstarter even for a future society.

It's also curious to imagine what sort of catastrophe could make living on even a damaged, polluted Earth somehow become less viable than starting from scratch on a lifeless planet with no ecosystem at all. Like, I think a boat is easier to build than a space station!

John Gaius seems like a ratfic main character without the halo of automatic sympathy - perhaps something I'm primed to think about by the cryo angle. Much like, say, actual cult leader Yudkowsky himself, he believes he is uniquely qualified to save the Earth/humanity (which turns into resentment when some portion of that humanity comes up with its own plans), and he loves to affect a conversational, dismissive style and throw out sarcastic comments and references to media. 'Course, Yudkowsky's probably just the example of this type of guy that I'm most familiar with. He could equally be drawing on all sorts of tech guys.

All that said, it's kind of wild huh. Like all the nuke juggling and cow walls and stuff. (He's sooooo bitter about getting judged over the cow thing.) I'm left wondering like... why John? If necromancy is possible, why could only John unlock it to begin with? But tech guys unleashing exponential forces which abruptly overwrite all previous society is pretty on the nose I suppose.

Another angle! Tamsyn got her start as a Homestuck fanfiction writer. Once you start looking, there's a lot of devices in common between The Locked Tomb and Homestuck. Second person narration, dream bubbles, ancestor figures, significant face paint (apparently even more so in her fic), characters defined partly through their taste in fiction, formal playfulness, introducing a large cast of characters all at once who all represent instances of a type, narrators whose pereceptions are deliberately altered to obscure some information, a story that gradually envolves from a focused mystery in a sealed location to a grand cosmic conflict... you can overstate it, and we could perform this exercise with other works (some point might be worth doing a compare/contrast with Baru), but I think it's cool to see these things evolve.

One thing I don't feel like I really understand right now is why 'Alecto' - which we now know to be the ghost of the Earth, presumably of the same type of entity as the 'Resurrection Beasts' - felt the need to construct the childlike Nona personality. I guess it's more that like... Nona instantiated by accident and then tried to hold on to her human life by hiding her 'secret' from herself.

And this comes on to the subject of memories, brains, and souls. This time around we learn that John's ascension was predicated on detecting (or perhaps constructing!) and manipulating the soul - the third element of a sufficiently complex lifeform along with the physical structure of the body and the presence of 'thalergy' (life energy). Previously, we heard that souls arise from sufficiently complex life. And we have now frequently seen souls getting separated from body and swimming around in the River or inhabiting (with difficulty) the wrong body.

Curiously, memory and personality seem to be overwhelmingly the property of the soul, not the body. When a soul such as, say, Palamades hops into a different body, such as Babs, he brings with it his memories, knowledge, body language, necromantic abilities... Strong emotional relationships, such as that between a necromancer and a cavalier, seem to make it easier for a soul to sit in another body. And we've even seen the possibility of souls synthesising into a new soul, as with Paul. We’ve also seen the possibility of tucking a soul into a dead body, and somehow acting as if alive without healing wounds or bringing biological systems back online, with what Gideon has become.

(A side note: although Harrow is very afraid of eating Gideon’s soul, the fact that Pyrrha - the cavalier consumed by a very old Lyctor - seems to be able to walk around in his body just fine after the original occupant died suggests that the ‘digestion’ process of Lyctors using up their cavaliers takes a really long time.)

So far so straightforward: this is a universe where physicalism doesn’t real, and the soul doesn’t matter. But we also see Harrow necromantically modify her own brain in Harrow to censor Gideon's name and modify her own memories. So the brain is involved somehow, not just acting as a sort of antenna for the data 'stored in' the soul as Descartes imagined. I also don't really trust anything a Catholic nun came up with...

It's hard to tell how much of the rules of necromancy are preexisting 'nature' and how much is like, the system designed consciously or not by John. (We already know he lied about, or was ignorant of, soul synthesis in designing the Lyctor structure, to prevent anyone getting on his level. We also know he claims to have figured out ‘necromancy’ pretty intuitively, then taught it to everyone else.) In this book, I believe we also see John monkeying around with peoples’ memories when he resurrects them, though we have no real reason to think souls can’t be modified in this way.

Since the term 'necromancy' is now a deliberate invocation of genre trappings perhaps we should look at it again. The rest of the post is like, nerdy engagement with the fictional concepts so feel free to read or not...

The magic in this book allows the precise, remote manipulation of living and dead animal tissues, bone being the easiest type to manipulate for some reason. Blood also seems to be important. Living tissues produce a type of energy called 'thalergy', which circulates in a normal ecosystem. The death of an organism produces a sudden spike of a second type of energy called 'thanergy'. This seems to have something to do with complexity or entropy, but also infants are especially valuable, so also some sense of the possible future of an organism getting destroyed. Rich symbolic stuff, then. It's a very cool magic system that grants a lot of deliciously rich body horror and gore - even if we don't have quite the level of anatomy nerd detail this time that Harrow gave us the first!

Still, it doesn’t necessarily seem like it has to revolve around death. Admittedly, the bringing-the-dead-back part seems pretty significant. The less talented necromancers seem to find dead tissues easier to monkey around with than living ones. So perhaps ‘necromancy’ isn’t a bad name for it.

Whatever it is, we have to wonder, why did nobody discover it in all of human history until John’s weird little cryo experiments?

Then there’s the subject of the ‘River’. This seems to be some kind of alternate dimension where dead souls go, which appears to be a huge body of water with a rocky/sandy bottom, although we are repeatedly reminded that space and time are funky in there. Now we know that it’s possible to build a human structure in this space, namely this mysterious tower where everyone seems to be going at the end of the book. In the River it’s possible to construct little pocket universes, drawing on the memories of a specific person, and pull specific souls in, leaning on human emotional connections. Narrative concepts hold strong sway here, as we saw in the climax of Harrow.

Given that souls in the River don’t seem to decay as such - Harrow was able to call in a long-dead cavalier using the strength of Ortus’s obsession - it seems like there isn’t really any sense of reincarnation in this universe. Also, there’s a sense of souls being drawn to, yearning for, their original body. So we can probably posit that souls are brought into being when a suitably complex structure forms in the physical world?

Still, the more I poke at it, the more this attempt to synthesise a kind of Cartesian dualist view of the soul with modern notions of emergence and complexity seems squirly. That’s fine though like it’s a fantasy novel. I probably shouldn’t overthink it.

That’s all I got for now. Fun reading everyone picking this book apart.

#nona the ninth #nona the ninth spoilers #ntn #ntn spoilers #fantasy #science fiction #sff #fiction #novels

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cruelsister-moved2 · 2 years

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genuinely why r people so obsessed w commenting on lesbian sexuality at all times like policing what we do and don't do and the language we use etc etc it's soooo crazy like ok if ur not into smth literally no one is asking that u do it that is literally the beauty of lesbian sexuality<3! any time someone talks about their OWN sexuality u get the exact same comments every time theres always the same 3 things they have to say and it's baffling like as if there is some institution of lesbian sex that needs to be taken down a peg by the brave voices of asexual wlw who think lesbian sex is icky and grossssss and fem4fem cis women who hate anything that doesnt resemble the scissoring scene from the handmaiden like ur free to do or not do those things to ur hearts content n u don't see me commenting on it but for some reason everyone collectively decided its an absolute necessity to comment on what lesbians enjoy sexually...?

#like other lgbts #ur obsessed u have an obsessionnnnn #the most glaring cautionary tale #was this blogger had a huge meltdown #over a lesbian referring to her partners dick #n the person in question actually happened to be talking abt her cis girlfriends dick #that is just complete like poetic irony...

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drewandareview · 3 months

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Horton Hears a Who! (2008)

Originally published May 30th, 2013

Dr. Seuss does this awesome thing where he combines imagination with depth. His stories are essentially allegories, being fun to read while profound on a whole other level. I'm definitely an admirer.

While I can't say I've read all his books, I think my favorite would have to be "Horton Hears a Who!". It's a very moving story about an elephant trying to save a tiny world of people that nobody else believes in, but it also has incredible depth. Just the fact that our world could be miniature or enormous compared to another is enough to take in, but the purporting that "a person's a person no matter how small" has a lot of spiritual significance. It digs into the human psyche and what we define as worthwhile enough to save. It's deep, guys. Real deep.

I don't think ANY of Dr. Seuss's books should be adapted into a feature-length movie because they function much better as shorter stories, but if I had to pick one, it'd be Horton Hears a Who!. There's a lot to work with. The CGI adaptation of the book has been consistently referred to as "the best Dr. Seuss Hollywood adaptation out there". "Best" isn't saying much considering its competition, but I thought I'd give it a watch.

Where do I fucking begin.

How it should have been: The characters should have been rooted in the world Dr. Seuss created for them, set apart from any specific time period.

How it was fucked: Hollywood slapped "modern" on it to make it more accessible. Characters were constantly making pop culture references and using hip lingo.

How it should have been: Horton should have been the noble, courageous creature who has trouble fitting in that he was in the original book.

How it was fucked: They cast Jim Carrey as Horton who went full Jim Carrey for his performance and captured absolutely none of Horton's heroism or sincerity.

How it should have been: If it had to be feature length, they should have expanded on the world and the depth Dr. Seuss created. Perhaps other world's could be introduced, or there could be an arc featuring the psychology of what makes a life worth saving.

How it was fucked: Hollywood at least showed how Horton's actions impacted the world, which wasn't quite in the book, but every other extra arc or character they added did NOTHING to expand on the book.

How it should have been: It shouldn't have needed to have jokes because the world and concept is already amusing enough.

How it was fucked: It had jokes, but some of the weakest and most painful jokes you could hope from a hack screenwriter trying to make a buck.

How it should have been: The movie should have captured all the subtlties of the book, showing things without explaining them. It should have treated its audience as if it could be anybody and taken it seriously.

How it was fucked: There was way, WAY too much dialogue in this movie. And the absolute worst part was that it pandered to children. It treated the movie like "a kid's movie" and made sure to exaggerate and emphasize everything. It added crazy movement that wasn't necessary or zany expressions that also weren't necessary. It farted sparkles onto the legacy of Dr. Seuss by turning a resonating story into a money machine.

It at least had the good grace to follow the book fairly well and employ Seuss's signature animation, but honestly, that's hardly effort on their part. All of that is obvious necessities of a Seuss adaptation and I won't give them any pats on the back for it. This movie may be "the best", but it's worlds away from being good. I'm ashamed that Dr. Seuss movies have been so bad that people have been conditioned to think THIS is the standard for a good Dr. Seuss movie. You know what a good Dr. Seuss movie is? A biopic of Dr. Seuss's life. And THAT'S IT.

...but all of that said, I have to admit, things had looked up when the climax had hit. For seven short minutes of Seuss-laden bliss, the movie had aimed and the shot didn't miss. For that fleeting moment, I started to see how great a smart Seuss adaptation could be.

But then came the ending and things got shitty again. REALLY shitty. It managed to be the absolute worst part of the movie. It was so bad that I literally had to pause the movie just to comprehend the shit I was watching. You know, maybe there is a way to make a feature-length Dr. Seuss movie. I certainly don't want to rule it out. But Hollywood has to learn that a story's a story, no matter how small.

(And yes, the second to last paragraph was written in rhyme. Shut up.)

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neobubz · 1 year

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wow prey changed the chemistry of my brain 🤯🤯🤯 its been a few days since i read it, but I'm still thinking about it, like I love the way u jumped back and forth from the past to the present, keeps u wondering when jaemin goes off the rails 👀 and even tho jaemin becomes the bad guy, I still can't help but like him >.< sure hes obsessive and psychotic, but he still has some cute moments :> but I'm not put off by yanderes, so what would i know :p

I would absolutely looooove if u did a sequel or even an epilogue so we can see what happens next <333 But even if u don't, do u have plans to write anymore horror stories?? 👀👀👀 I love ur horror writing, and it's uncommon to see horror fanfics, especially not around Halloween >.< n e ways, sorry for rambling so much, ty for writing such a great fic 💖💗

lol it changes the chemistry of your brain?!! 🤭 I love this description!! thanks for liking it so much 💖 I was worried about the back and forth parts. I didn’t know if people would like it but it was a necessity with this story. i do have a soft spot for those crazy yanderes myself. better than the over used tsundere archetype (still love them too but 😑 the stories get so predictable after a while)

I wasn’t going to say anything because I wanted to keep people guessing but there will be a sequel to prey at some point. It won’t be any time soon I’m going to try to really think of the sequel and make it even better than this story but yeah I already planned on making it 😁 I would love to write more horror/twisted stories whether it’s Halloween or not ^^ So absolutely I’ll try to write more ^^

Also don’t worry about rambling this message was so sweet and just thank you for letting me know you liked the story. It means the world to me 🫶🏼💖

#anon #ask

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servin-up-surveys · 1 year

Text

survey #088

(taken december 14th last year; uploading surveys done while gone)

Can you read lips? NO. I am *HORRIBLE* at trying to read lips, like I absolutely can't.

Do you have trouble feeling excited for other people when they receive good news? Oh absolutely not, I definitely get excited too!

Do you know anyone whose parents are homosexual? I know I have a mom friend who is bi, but she's in a relationship with a man currently. I don't THINK I know anyone full-on gay that's a parent?

Do you consider yourself patriotic? In what ways? Hell no, this country grosses me the fuck out.

Are you part of any online communities? If so, which ones, and how did you get involved in them? I'm in a meerkat RP circle, I'm an admin at the SH wiki (which I have been awfully neglecting lol oops), and I'm active in my WoW main's guild.

Have you ever purchased clothing that you were too afraid to wear? HA yes, when I was still a teen-ish I had this honestly really cute black crop top that just says "FREAK" and I only wore it for a single picture, lol. It would never fit me now. I actually think I mighta got rid of it.

What is your lover's middle name? He doesn't have one.

When was the last time you saw your last ex? Well I saw a PICTURE of us on Facebook like a day or two ago, and fucking finally FB allowed me to delete them. I haven't seen her in person in years and never want to again, either.

Who was the last ex you talked to? Sara.

Who is your best friend? Pick only one. My boyfriend Girt.

Who was the last person to flirt with you, other than your lover? Some random dude on dA, he got blocked real quick lmao.

Would it bother you if your lover flirted with other people? Uh yes???

What exes do you still associate with? None.

What is a topic that interests you so much that you could read about it for hours? Meerkat behaviorisms.

Are there any holidays that you hate? If so, which and why do you dislike them? Columbus Day because that man didn't discover jack shit. Thanksgiving (its roots anyways, it's definitely evolved) because it's a literal celebration of genocide and slavery, etc.

Do you have a secret that you’ve kept for a long time – years, maybe your entire life? If so, why haven’t you told anyone about this secret? Yes, and I don't tell anybody because they affect nobody, are entirely benign, and just really don't matter.

What was the very first social media site you signed up for? MySpace.

If you were in a coma, who would be making healthcare decisions for you? My mom.

What’s something you’ve done that sounds too crazy to be true? The only thing that comes to mind is how many times I've been admitted to psych hospitals; like I lost count many visits ago. I would estimate I've been like, six times. I feel like people who know that would expect me to be crazier than I am.

Does anyone in your family smoke? My dad and his wife do.

What’s your opinion on hunting? Trophy hunting? Fucking barbaric, repulsive, diabolical, just evil. IF however you are hunting for food and have a respectful, appreciative mindset of the animal, then I'm more okay with it than I once was, because here's the thing: that deer you killed out in the beautiful woods, and probably rather quickly, ABSOLUTELY had a better life than that mistreated, miserable cow that was raised simply to be killed and probably given LESS than the bare necessities. I want to emphasize though, mindset is so important here; I wouldn't support you if you were tracking a deer seeking the "thrill" of just killing it. Like in that case, get fucking help. Be very respectful and extremely appreciative of that animal's unwilling sacrifice.

Have you ever had a pet escape and run away? Oh my god I will never forget Teddy doing this one winter night in the snow. I was going BALLISTIC as my dad ran and later drove after him. If I remember well, he ended up being at the pond not too far from our place, which he and Dale (another old dog of ours) had run to before to play. Thank god he was okay, at this time he just still had good energy and was very into marking his territory and smelling EVERYTHING. He also really, really enjoyed the snow, he used to love zooming through it and just playing.

Do any of your exes know each other? Jason and Juan knew and didn't like each other (at least, I was aware Juan openly didn't like Jason, I'm not really sure if Jason felt anything about him). Tyler MIGHT have known either of them, too, I don't know.

What’s an opinion you find impossible to take seriously? "Dinosaurs aren't real," especially when they add on, "Satan put those bones there to lead us away from God." You are PURELY fucking delusional.

Have you met that person that can get into your mind through a sentence? Yeah, Jason. Probably still to this day. He had so much goddamn power over my emotions without even intending it, and I feel like that hasn't fully gone away.

Have you heard of Jeffree Star? What do you think of him? Yes, I genuinely like him and who he's grown into and think his work ethic is fucking unreal.

Who do you think you have cried over the most? lol do I really need to answer this???????????

Do you hate celebrities with big boobs and have had plastic surgery? lol grow up?????? People can do whatever the fuck they want with their own bodies.

Is anybody in your family schizophrenic? If so, what is their life like? A half-sister is, but I've never met or spoken to her; I've seen literally a single picture of her in my entire life. I have no idea what her life is like. Sometimes it rears up to bother me more than usual, how Dad's only kids he interacts with at all are me and my immediate sisters... Even his other daughter Misty had to reach out to HIM when she and her children visited here to go out to dinner so he could actually meet them. Like, that shouldn't be his child's job. Misty is understandable bitter about how she grew up (her mother was absolute, total, 100% insane shit that couldn't even keep custody of her BECAUSE she was fucking mental, and Dad didn't take her), and I just wish she didn't have to be by Dad acting more like a dad to her. WOW welcome to the family therapy session y'all

What’s something somebody can do to make you hate them instantly? Say something inappropriate about a child came to mind first, but there's really a lot of other stuff, honestly. Just being a shitty, gross, violent, and/or forceful person.

Are there regular trains in and out of your town/city? Yes.

What was the last animal you saw, and was it a pet? Roman, right now, 'cuz he jumped up onto the desk to chill by me.

Have you ever watched an anime series, start to finish? Yeah, multiple.

Do you feel the need to rant about anything right now? If so, go for it. So my Tumblr account just RANDOMLY got terminated yesterday (I seriously mean it when I say I did absolutely, positively nothing whatsoever) and I'm rather annoyed by it. This has already happened to me once on my old account, and it took like around a week to get the damn thing back.

How many serious relationships have you been in? Three. Ish. I don't really know what to consider Sara's and my former relationship. Like I feel like we had genuine feelings and did some romantic things without much shyness or anything, but idk. Jason and Girt were/are SO much different from what she and I had.

Do you have a lot of regrets? Yes, and they fucking haunt me and refuse to let me go so I can maybe even mildly like myself.

Have you ever been so angry that you screamed out of nowhere? Yes. I know I've done this a couple times into a pillow, maybe other times without but idr.

Do you have any plans for Valentine’s Day this year? NEXT year I know I want to do at least a LITTLE something. Girt had Covid this year so we couldn't hang out that day and it super bummed me out, really.

What do you usually buy for snacks when you go to the cinema? Almost always popcorn, rarely some sort of candy.

Look to your left and name five things you can see. Presents for Ash's kids from Mom, the closet, the stand with the printer on it, paper shredder, and a cute piece of random artwork on the wall from who knows where.

Do you like having your lip softly bitten when you’re kissing? bro get outta my bedroom

Who is your favourite YouTuber? Overall? It'll probably always be Markiplier, he's my idol, but I really haven't watched him anywhere near regularly in like... two years? His content just generally isn't my style anymore, but I still love him as a person to death. You know, I'm really not too sure WHO my active favorite is anymore. Maybe John Wolfe or Game Grumps, I really don't know.

Have you ever been hopelessly in love with a celebrity? Nah. I have my fangirl episodes, but "hopefully in love" has never been the right phrase at all. I know none of these people personally and therefore can't even truly LOVE them and have always known that absolutely nothing is ever going to happen between me and any random person on the Internet. I can just melt from afar lmao.

What was the last band shirt you wore? I'm quite sure it was Ninja Sex Party. Thankfully it doesn't say the name of the band on the shirt lmfao I wouldn't want to explain that ever.

How many pairs of glasses (not sunglasses) have you owned? I know at least three.

What color is your flash-drive? Hot pink.

What is your favorite color(s) of eye-makeup? B L A C K

Have you ever worn a thumb ring? Yes; that's where I put mine and Sara's friendship ring. Safe to say I don't have it anymore.

What brand of TV do you own? Uh I'm pretty positive it's a Vizio?

Are high school football games fun? Ugh, no. I used to have to go to them quite a bit when my older sister was a cheerleader. There were always wasps and shit around/under the bleachers, it was hot, too crowded, and I just had absolutely no interest in sports. They were also way too long to me. I know a lot of the time Nicole and I didn't even watch, we'd just go find something weird to do that generally involved getting dirty, meeting with other kids that were as bored as us, and going under the bleachers when we weren't supposed to lmao.

When was the last time you had a particularly hectic day? Oh hell if I know.

To whom do you feel the most important? Mom and Girt.

How long has your favorite song been your favorite? Since it came out early this year lmao.

Is one of your favorite colors yellow? No, I actually really don't like yellow.

How old are your siblings? Tbh I only have my two immediate sisters' ages memorized, which are 29 and 24. Others are in their 30s. Katie might even be close to 40, idr and can't math.

Ever had a fishtank in your room? No.

Do you drink more soda than anything else? Not anymore! It's generally flavored sparkling water.

Do you know anyone who wears camouflage often? my brother in christ I live in the SOUTH

How many jobs have you had? Three.

Do you hate your last ex? I VERY much don't like her, at all, but I'm past my "ugh I hate her" phase. I ain't wasting my energy on hating someone I never have to see or speak to ever again.

Are you ashamed of any of your family members? My uncle who my family no longer associates with. He's a fucking filthy slug of a human being.

Have you ever been in a courtroom? Yes.

Were you a chubby child? No, I was pretty normal.

Are you afraid to sing in front of people? Yes. To get you to visualize the sheer extent, in the over three and a half years Jason and I dated, he heard me sing ONCE, at church.

When did you last dance with someone? Uh with Sara a few years ago.

Do you feel awkward watching sex scenes? Yes, but not AS bad as when I was like, a teenager. I still do feel exceptionally uncomfortable if it's with my mom present, though.

Did you ever have senior photos done? No. I wanted to, we just... didn't, I don't remember why.

Do you attend church regularly? You literally could not even PAY me to go to church, never mind regularly. It's complete fucking brainwashing and greatly diminishes genuine, confident self-worth. I don't consider myself a Satanist, but even I can still say hail thyself, hunty.

Have you ever wanted to be a teacher? lol absolutely not.

Are you currently listening to music? Yeah, "Modern Love" by Mother Mother just started.

The person who last spoke to you in person, what is their name? Donna, but Mom to me.

The person who last texted you, tell me their name? Still Donna, lol.

What was your favorite class to take in school? Art courses and German.

Have you ever had a pixie cut? No, but I'd like one one day... Both my mom and hairdresser have told me I would look amazing with one now, which I really appreciated, but I just can't convince myself. I know it's a stereotype that fat people usually can't pull off short hair, and trust me it was ballsy enough for me to get it as short as it is now, I'd just be so obsessively paranoid that people would think I'm uglier with a pixie cut.

Is your signature legible? I think so, yeah.

If the person you like/love proposed to you right now, you would say? I know I'd say yes even though I know it's unwise to do so this early. Thankfully I'm pretty damn sure just given Girt's intelligence and dedication and strong pragmatism, he knows way better than to do that anytime soon.

Are you satisfied with your current camera? I sure am, and I'm actually pretty excited, I know Mom is ordering a pack of lenses (polarizing, ND, and UV) for it for Christmas!

When was the last time you felt ignored? Um idk. Probably during some family dinner at my sister's, I know I've been totally talked over adn brushed off more than once.

Is smoking an immediate turnoff to you? I won't ever attracted to a smoking man til I saw Richard Kruspe bro 😭 lol but generally yes, celebs don't count, right?

If given the opportunity, would you legally change your name? Nah, too used to this one and plus I like it.

Has religion ever come between you and a friend or family member? Yep.

Has anyone ever told you that you were worthless? Well, in fucking essence, Sara has.

If you jumped out the nearest window, would you live? Yes, very easily.

Is there an animal that scares you? I have a very intense irrational fear of larva, like maggots and stuff. Cicadas also notably freak me out, I can't handle their eyes. Whale sharks are another irrational fear, their mouths creep me out. Australian spiders like their funnel-web are freaky too.

When you get blood tests, do you feel faint afterwards? No.

Do you think you will have a date for prom? Whoa now buddy you are WAY late, lol. I went to Jason's senior prom and he went to mine.

Are you afraid of being cheated on? Not really, at least not with Girt. I hope this doesn't sound all arrogant or full of myself, but just factually, this guy wanted me way too long for me to even really WONDER if he'd cheat on me. He's directly told me he wanted to date in high school, but he didn't do anything because he was concerned what people would think of the age gap. Then Jason came along and he respected that.

Do you know how to play poker? It's actually funny, I did as a KID but don't now, hahaha. I really enjoyed it as a child, just obviously without monetary gambling.

Is your face shape oval, heart shaped or square? I genuinely don't know.

When was the last time someone asked you to go somewhere? When Girt invited me to his place Friday for his sister's birthday.

Do you have small wrists? Yeah; even with my size, my wrists are definitely noticeably small. Like I can slip those security bracelets off at the psych hospital (lmfao what a talent) or like the skating rink to show you paid.

Are you someone’s best friend? Girt always calls me his. <3

What’s the biggest annoyance in your life right now? The state of my legs, really. I'm gonna get on fixing this shit, I've had enough. It stops me from SO much.

Do you know anyone that smokes weed? I know one major pothead irl as well as one online; I'm certain others do it, but being a pothead is like, literally a major part of these two girls' personalities.

How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed? A hell of a lot.

Thinking back to the person you fell hardest for, do you still feel that way? Nope.

If you’re a girl, what’s your bra size? Funny thing, I actually don't know. I know I'm naturally a C-something, but being my weight, I'm not at all convinced that's accurate right now. This is gonna sound wild, but I haven't had a properly-fitting bra in literal years; I just wear some that were Mom's that somewhat fit, but absolutely not properly, but enough to where it's not incredibly obvious with clothes on. I'm pretty sure I need something custom because if the cup fits, the back doesn't, and if the back fits, the fucking cup doesn't. It's extremely annoying, but bras are not cheap, especially when you're not a standard size.

Ever known anyone who did business with a prostitute? I have zero idea.

If your parents are divorced, how old are your step parents? Kim is a couple years younger than Dad, so mid/late 50s.

Do you like your step parents, or are they assholes? She's an intolerant bigot/obnoxious Christian, but she has good traits, too.

[TW: DOMESTIC VIOLENCE/ABUSE] Ever had an abusive parent or other family member? No, thankfully.

Ever walked in on your parents while they were getting busy? If so, how many times and how old were you? No; I find it SO hard to accept that my parents ever did have sex lmao, they were SO incompatible and just never got along, it seemed like growing up.

If you were to get pregnant as a teen, what would happen? Well, I woulda kept it, because at the time I was pro-life. Thank fuck this never happened.

Do you prefer broccoli or asparagus? Broccoli, I absolutely hate asparagus.

What was the last flattering thing someone did/said to/for you? Uhhhhhh let's see probably something Girt said, he honestly says stuff like that a lot. ;__; <3

Do you know anybody that believes that magic/witchery truly exists? Yep, my sister Misty to name just one.

Roughly how hot are the summer temperatures where you reside? Usually 90s, sometimes low 100s. I absolutely hate it.

#survey #surveys #personal questions #random questions

0 notes

violentemperor · 1 year

Text

Okay, I am about to touch on some heavy topic. War is a monstrous thing. It kills, makes you depressed and crazy. War is a monstrous thing. It kills, makes you depressed and crazy. The war has been going on for a long time, and to this day, it continues to rage. Traditional wars usually have the effect of strengthening the power of the state, either temporarily or permanently. In the eyes of many humans, there are many circumstances that favor war.

The vast majority of human societies throughout history have experienced war, to the point that the idea of it being a phenomenon rooted in “human nature” has become commonplace. In fact, it would be more reasonable to attribute it to primate societies, since most chimpanzee groups exhibit phenomena similar to open conflict.

But collective aggression seems to have been advantageous from an evolutionary perspective because man is the only primate capable of coldly exterminating his fellow creatures.

War is not an absolute evil, and it is not contingent. It has a moral dimension and a rational necessity. It is necessary to the moral health of peoples and as such its justification consists in a justification of Providence. While this is not the thought of most, countless people do think this way.

After all, plenty of people are more than willing to die for their countries and kill for their countries. Be it adult, woman, children, and even senior. But what if a man survive a war, what if he is allowed to go home? He is not the same man he has been before, he has dark deep thoughts. He might be thinking of killing himself, he might be thinking of all the people he has killed.

Because the war is clearly not suited to everyone, you would have to enjoy killing or be completely lacking emotion to remain normal or having a background explaining that you were trained to kill.

The idealism which appears in the war as directed towards the exterior in a contingent phenomenon and the idealism which makes that the internal powers of the State are organic moments of a whole, are therefore one and the same idealism and, in the historical appearance, it is seen in this phenomenon that the happy wars prevent the internal troubles and consolidate the internal power of the State.

The peoples who do not want to support or who fear the sovereignty are conquered by others, and they strive with all the less success and honor to independence, the less capable they are of achieving a first organization of state power at home (their freedom is dead from the fear of dying).

The States which have the guarantee of their independence, not in their armed force, but in other considerations, for example extremely small States compared to their neighbors, can exist in spite of a constitution which by itself does not guarantee tranquility either internally or outside. All these phenomena can be explained by this identity.

As long as human will have greed and have anger, wars will keep on happening. As long as human will be able to manipulate young adults or teenagers into joining the rank of their armies. The deaths will continue to increase, the men who have lost all their sanity will continue to exist.

War is something that men think is necessary because they are unable to swallow their pride, to try to discuss. The years have increased and the inability to talk to others has increased. It is very difficult to talk to someone and have them listen. People would rather throw punches than explain themselves calmly.

Simply because fighting is more interesting than talking and making peace. It's a shame.

#[ out of character ]

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stayathomesurveys · 2 years

Text

034.

How are you doing today? I’m doing okay, I guess. It’s only 4:47 am.

What day of the week is it? Saturday.

What’s something you used to believe in that you don’t anymore? That I’ll ever be happy.

What do you admire most in a person? I don’t know.

What’s your favorite dinosaur? I don’t have one.

Do you believe in reincarnation? If so, what would you like to be reincarnated as? Maybe.

What are 3 scents that you like? Coffee, blueberry, cookies.

Do you ever use the grounding technique 54321? No.

What’s the silliest thing you’ve gotten injured from? I don’t know.

What’s the weirdest food combination you enjoy? I’m not sure.

Where would you relocate if you were forced to leave your place of residence? A hotel for the time being, I guess.

Do you play any instruments? No, not anymore. i got a guitar and I’ve been meaning to pick it up and try to learn, again.

What is an unpopular opinion you have? Those big, fluffy brows that are on trend right now are absolutely ugly as fuck on 99.8% of people. They look ridiculous as hell.

Have you ever done a crazy dare? No.

What’s your favorite type of cheese or cheese substitute? I don’t know.

What are things you still enjoy from your childhood? Some of the shows, movies, etc.

What smells better.. fresh baked bread or fresh brewed coffee? Fresh brewed coffee.

What’s the oddest text you’ve received recently? I don’t know. I just changed my number so very few people even have it now.

What’s something you believe everyone should have? Shelter, food, healthcare, clean water... the necessities.

What’s the first thing you do once you get home from a trip? It depends on when I get back from the trip. If I get back at a decent hour, I usually try to unpack immediately.

What has been the worst kitchen mishap you’ve made? I started a small fire in the microwave once. I’ve also microwaved ramen noodles and forgot to put water in the bowl way too many times. A horrible, horrible smell.... lots of smoke.

Do you know how your parents met? Not really. I know that they grew up in the same area and had the same group of friends, kind of. My dad is older than my mom so he was friends with her friends’ older siblings/their friends. I don’t think they met until he left the Marines and moved back to Maryland.

Do you believe love is blind? It can be.

If you could get away with it, what crime would you commit? Bank robbery or something. I need money (don’t we all) and banks are fucking assholes. I hate banks.

If you owned a restaurant, what would you serve? Not sure.

Have you ever met a president? No.

What food tastes better than its appearance to you? I dunno.

Do you actively post on social media? Not lately.

What was your favorite childhood book? Hm. Junie B. Jones, Magic Treehouse... those are the first two to come to mind.

Do you ever experience intrusive thoughts? All the time.

What do you consider to be the smartest animal? I dunno.

What movies make you laugh the most? Not sure. I don’t typically watch comedies. I will say that I’ve seen some comically horrible horror movies, and those really get me laughing.

What’s a product you use everyday that you wish you could get a lifetime supply of? Toilet paper? I don’t know.

What’s the best name you’ve heard a pet named? Don’t know.

What always makes your day better? Nothing.

Would you rather have multiple hobbies or 1 true passion? I don’t know.

Coffee or tea? Tea.

Do you listen to podcasts? Which ones? Nope.

Would you say you’re good at saving money? No, I wish that I was.

Have you ever ridden in the front of a roller coaster? I think.

Would you rather have free massages for a year or facials? Facials.

When was the last time you’ve had an adrenaline rush? I don’t know.

Have you ever used a whole chapstick? Yes.

Has anyone ever given you a gag gift? No.

#survey

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garrisondelgado14 · 2 years

Text

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hhjs · 3 years

Text

love or lack thereof.

pairing — felix x reader

genre / trope — angst, fluff / exes with benefits.

word count — 7.7k

warnings — suggestive, heavy implications, swearing, some making out but no actual r rated stuff but i will say this is suitable for 18 and up audiences.

note — this is unedited, subject to change. spare me lol

There are two sides to every person. The side that you want people to see and the side that you keep to yourself.

You think you've come to discover all those aspects of Lee Felix. Given that he's sweet, unassuming and inexplicably kind to the naked eye but you know, the rising anger in you knows he's only ever been cruel to you.

"Move," you seethe, he moves to let you in but you unintentionally knock your shoulder against his. There's people on the subway, and you hate the way Felix's innocent gaze finds yours for a second and it makes you look like the bad guy.

You feel the disapproving glare of a grandma who has a crumpled catalogue about seasonal pie recipes on her lap, as if she can't believe how much of a cunt you were being to an absolute stranger.

A roll of eyes follows, fishing for your ear phones, if only they knew.

Seeing your ex boyfriend outside of your casual deal hits you with the force of a punch to the gut. But you hid it exceptionally well. Arrogantly jutting your chin upwards. Whilst he cowers beside you, having supposedly caught your sour mood.

To think you had spent an hour with him in a bedroom just formerly...is rather strange. You've been sleeping with him for the past few months now and where it had begun is slightly mysterious to you — was it Chan's birthday party or a clubbing gone wrong one night stand just after Felix had come back to town....? You aren't entirely sure.

Albeit the arrangement is ingrained in your head — what you have with him is a secret strictly kept from your friends who otherwise if even caught air of a mere conversation between you two would invite an influx of queries. This is simple, physical, you don't have time for a relationship, let alone one with him and to mend how utterly lonely you are with someone who hasn't already seen you naked, someone who you couldn't blindly trust, is too much work.

Even though Felix is indubitably affected by your unwavering indifference, something he wasn't used to when you were together because of how giving you were to sate his utterly needy tendencies. Now he feels himself clawing at your hardened exterior in search of just those affections to no actual avail —hurt crossing his eyes when you sneak out of bed without saying goodbye, when days pass and you don't call or text and most importantly, when you're in public and you can't be bothered to spare him as much as a glance. To you, it's nothing more and nothing less. You make it a necessity to keep reminding him.

See you liked to pretend you're a resilient person. That in your heart you really do forgive people and move on.

But he is an exception.

"Did you eat?" He perks up, his voice is small. Careful.

You keep your stoic expression, looking ahead. "No."

Then he blinks, like he usually does when he doesn't understand why you act the way you do. Impolite, communicating only in monosyllables.

Do you really hate him that much?

There's a hoodie pulled over his black hair, longer along the neck,headphones dangling from his neck and his backpack in his hand, he hopes when he holds onto the same railing as you are, that your fingers should brush just a little.

Despite the way you adamantly ignore him, Felix opens his mouth to utter a passing inquiry. Your jaw clenches. And you desperately begin to scan the city map plastered inside to navigate passengers to their destinations.

"Can we...do you want to get something to eat..." He swallows, "together?"

As if he's crazy for even making such a proposition, you look at him once but from the corner of your eye and he thinks that's a lot considering how often you look past him, through him, never at him. You shake your head, giving him a warning stare.

Across from you, his reflection is frowning at your negative response. Still staring at you with a marveling gleam in his eyes, how much you've changed over the past two years just as he has....still takes him by surprise. Suddenly and unexpectedly, his eyes flicker to yours and he finds you staring at his image against the glassed doors. And like a deer caught in headlights, your heart drops to the depths of your stomach.

The announcement above falls deaf to your ears as you exit in a blind rush of sheer panic. Ignoring the biting cold and unfamiliar station. Your stop is still quite far. Maybe you'd have to take the taxi... or walk.

But in the face of all those hassles you sense yourself feeling incredibly relieved...because frankly, you think, you could go to hell and back if gets you away from him.

—

"So you came to tell me you're just gonna give up? Is that it?"

Felix carefully glances at you through his lashes, silently pursing his lips as to convey the answer.

You stare at the speckles of light kissing up his freckled cheeks, his big beaming eyes, a slightly low bridge but rounded tip of his nose paired with a small upturned mouth.

You can't believe you won't see him again.

Whenever he'd catch a break, he'd take the 2 hour bus to town and come see you, meet you and those once in six months meetings alone, to you, compensated for his lengthy absence.

So it couldn't be the distance, you thought, if that were the case he'd have dumped you when he moved to the capital for university.

Felix just doesn't want to be with you anymore.

"You don't get it...." He closes his eyes, as if he doesn't want to see himself saying what he is about to say, you almost don't get the resistance in his tone. The subtle drop of his Adam's apple. "I don't want to hurt you." He starts, "Just think about this rationally... we're so young, what if I find someone else there?"

Someone...else?

Is it that easy to dispose of you? Aren't you enough?

How foolish of you to only ever think of him.

It felt like Felix was kicking you where knew would hurt the most.

Your sardonic laugh is cracked, garbled and it's so fucking embarrassing that you're crying in the middle of a fast food joint, your fries have gone cold. Had you known seeing him this time would be vastly different from usual, you wouldn't have ordered at all. Why didn't he tell you before? Why had he insisted on catching you unawares?

But then again...this isn't about you at all. This is about Lee Felix. This is about him reducing your worth to make room for himself.

Ultimately, you understand, what is worse than not being loved back is being loved by someone who doesn't love you as much as you do them.

"Well I won't stand in your way then,"

You clear your throat,

"Fuck..." you rub your temple, the sadist in you coughing up hysterical laughs. The ache inside your heart at this point has turned into physical pain, cracks fissuring out against its surface and gnawing at the flesh like its being torn apart at the seams.

You should've seen this coming.

Everyone told you and told you you could only drag on an opposites attract sort of relationship for so long before you start to realise how incompatible you are.

Felix has the audacity to reach over and place his fingertips on your knuckles,his eyes are sad, overflowing with pity. It makes you feel small, the way he looks at you, small, sad and abandoned.

What tips you over the edge, however, is how calm he seems, as if he had been precisely planning to dump you for days and months and years while you continue to make a fool out of yourself never have forseen his decision.

There are tears running down your cheeks, abusing your vision with a vicious sting. You bring your sleeve to collect the needless moisture in a sudden rise of temper that is oh so typical of you.

You snatch your hand away from his touch.

"Don't touch me." You say, the simple comment transfers pain to Felix's eyes, mouth parting in silent words. You want to scream at him, you want to shake him by the collar and tell say something, just say anything at all and I will forgive you. Goddamnit.

In a perfect world, you think, a world where things happened exactly the way they should, you wouldn't have said, instead,

"And don't you fucking dare come back here...ever again."

And...in that very perfect world, he would've listened.

—

Felix thinks he could, dare he say, love everything about you. Even though you most certainly deserve someone who hasn't hurt you the way he has.

Now it's funny actually, how the tables have turned...back then, he wasn't sure about you and now you aren't about him.

Felix doesn't really blame you though...because he knows he asked for it.

Your presence in his life has somehow become an absolute necessity to say the least. And ironically enough, while he had so confidently pushed you to let go of him, he realises he had been holding onto you all along.

Now what was he saying...again?

Right. Felix loves everything about you.

But what he loves most...is the way your hand instinctively finds his heart when you're kissing. It's just a simple movement of your fingers splaying against his chest, the warmth of them seeping through the fabric of his shirt. He doesn't even know why it means so much to him.

His hand drops from your ass to the back of your thighs to situate you closer to his chest. He moans into the kiss when your teeth comes to scrape against his bottom lip, your ministrations are typically rough and speedy but he is seemingly far too absorbed by the exhilarating feeling coursing throughout his entire form — it's not just blatant lust, he knows, but a much deeper understanding that he is inexplicably gladdened by the fact that he's touching you and you're touching him.

A shaky breath leaves Felix's parted lips as he cranes his neck to allow your lingering kisses to shift along his angular jaw.

Then without quite meaning to, his vision focuses on the table clock that reads it's well past midnight...you had run late tonight for reasons you neglected to disclose. Now that he really focuses, a strong musky fragrance akin to unfamiliar men's cologne wafts up his nostrils.

It couldn't be....

As Felix's suspicions run deeper, he restlessly begins to search up every aspect of his surroundings as best as he can in the limited provision of light. There is a large coat discarded on his bed, one he hasn't seen you wear before...then again it might not be yours at all...

You notice how he's stopped responding to you, so you pause, leaning back, still on his lap. "Is something the matter?"

Felix swallows, blinking up innocently at you. This deal is simple, isn't it? He knew what he was getting into the first time you got together and the second and the third and so on, so why had the possibility of you getting involved with someone else even bother him then?

Both of you knew why.

And what's worse is that Felix is sensitive by nature, never truly succeeding to hide his emotions, especially intense ones when faced with them. So he is hyper aware of the fact that what he is feeling in the moment is not jealousy, it's neither anger nor resentment but a deep seated insecurity that he will lose you.

Again.

"Were you...with someone?"

As expected, your hands resign from cupping his face, you avoid looking at him.

"What?"

Felix clears his throat, his accent thicker, voice heavy from disuse. He thinks about something being with you in the same way only he has...and it causes a dull ache inside his chest.

He rests his head back against the sofa and shrugs lazily. As if to prove a point, as if to say did he touch you here? his fingers ride up your t shirt, gently cupping your ribs, he tries not to look too satisfied when you quiver under the touch.

Still you lift yourself up and the sudden lack of contact almost makes him whine.

You stand before him. A hand at your hip.

"Why are you acting like this?" You say and he notes you sound more... curious than annoyed. Though what frustrates him is that you hadn't answered his question. "I thought I made myself clear...there are rules we agreed upon."

Oh he knows — no staying over, no personal questions, no jealousy.

Felix purses his lips. The downside of your forwardness, the same utterly admirable trait he finds really fucking hot, the one that conditions you to tell Minho off when he hogs all of Felix's brownies though the latter himself is too much of a pushover to say anything, the same one which had in times of recurring doubtfulness assured him of your strong feelings towards him, is that you say whatever comes to mind without sparing anyone's feelings.

"I'm just asking, [........]," he lies, trying to control the pain from projecting itself onto his voice. It hurts to see the way you jump to defend yourself around him, as though you're scared he'll hurt you again. The lack of faith you have him, after all this time, causes him hurt. "Why are you getting so upset...."

Felix is gentle. Communicating his feelings through his actions rather than words, cooly, slowly. And you are the exact opposite — there is an immediacy in your conveyance, a roughness. You mean what you say and you say what you mean so you think everyone does too. Which is why, he concludes, his present actions are insufficient to remove the seeds of resentment he'd left in the wake of his bitter utterances when you broke up.

But Felix was only 18 then, a kid completely unaware of his overwhelming need to have you in his life....what matters is, he's trying...he really is, to recover from his mistakes......shouldn't that least matter?

Thinking the slight inhibition in his tone is just a figment of your imagination and that he is simply and indifferently inquiring you, you feel a wave of embarrassment wash over you. Then you drop down on the bed, feeling for his remote.

You sniff through your nose and against your better judgement say, "I went out with an acquaintance,"

On weekends Chan usually wasn't home, you could come over. This is the routine, it has been for some time now...so, you've come to know Felix's room more intimately than your own, the walls are a deep blue, like the kind of blue out of a Holly Warburton painting. There's an old Coldplay poster on the back of his door and X-Men action figures from eons ago lined on the edges of his bookshelf.

You know where everything goes when though it's dark. But that doesn't mean anything.

It shouldn't.

"A acquaintance who gave you their coat midwinter...you must be close,"

You ignore his pointed comment, he ignores the way your eyes light up when you talk about this acquaintance.

"He's nice." You say, "He walked me to the station and everything."

A happy hum comes in response.

Because when was the last time you talked to him as freely as you are?

Felix plops down on his stomach beside you, elevating his form on his elbows. His fingers come to brush loose strands out of your eyes. Your gaze meets his for the second time that week. Slower. As if you hadn't minded looking him this time. He feels his heart being tugged at all possible angles.

Then, because he can't stop himself — he leans down and kisses you, tentative and indolent, like he has all the time in the world, like all he wants to do is kiss. Don't get him wrong...you've done downright unspeakable things with him, to him...but nothing mediates his adoration for you without the employment of speech like these little chaste...purposeless movements. His fingers coming to splay against your neck, thumbing along your throat when you gulp, the tip of your nose brushing against his cheekbone, eyes fluttering shut. They're...they're intimate. Utterly special. He knows you feel it too, from the way you look slightly surprised, searching his face, eyes skimming up any fragment of emotion conveyed in his features. But you don't encourage it, slowly shifting to turn your back as you lay quietly against his chest.

"Let me stay here tonight," you say, "I'm tired."

"Okay,"

Felix thinks you've broken not one, but two rules now. He hadn't expected you to answer. He hadn't expected you to get into bed with no intention of departing either.

Though he doesn't hold it against you, this is what he wants, for you to open up to him again...after all. These changes can't be bad changes, even if they are little, it's still progress...right?

—

You wet your fingers, dipping the moistened muscle against the clay mold. All around you is not as eerily quite as it is in your apartment, footsteps thrumming against hardwood floor, kiddish humming from the kitchen, the smell of sugar in the air, you've never worked outside of your home station and well...in class. You thought of yourself as a self sufficient individualist, you liked to believe that you didn't enjoy other people's company like you did your own, with the exception of your roommate. But that's only since you aren't close enough for her to disturb you.

Yet with Soomi moved out for good, the place felt...odd to stay by yourself.

So you found yourself spending more and more time at Felix's. It's nice to have a place to crash in every now and then, the sex is great and when you get hungry after, you don't have to think twice about scouring the fridge.

You don't know why you put off spending time aside from sleeping together at all, more time spent didn't necessarily add to your deal or subtract from it....because the action itself doesn't really mean anything. Everyone gets tired of being alone at some point. That's a universal fact.

Initially, you told yourself your presence was a consequence of Chan catching you two in the shower one night...so now that the cat's out of the bag, you two figured his place could become the only premise you didn't have to play pretend in. You both knew the elder would be more than willing to keep the younger's secret even if he didn't exactly approve of it.

With the increased frequency of your visits, bits and pieces of you remain dispersed all throughout the apartment, your body wash in his bathroom, your underwear in his laundry, the smell of you in his sheets, on his clothes. You had relaxed yourself through the periphery of his life and he had small glimpses of yours, habits and flaws, unknowingly...or knowingly....whatever. — Felix could only thank God that Chan had found out, in spite of the revelation itself putting you both in a compromising position.

With time, he starts to keep a few secrets from you too, here and there, knowing that if you knew you will stop doing it altogether. He can't have that...

You throw a leg around his hip when you're fast asleep, flinging an arm not a second later to cage him in your warm embrace. Felix likes the way your chest rises and falls against his back, how your breath tickles his skin and your mouth parts against his shoulder blade. Sometimes he stays awake and waits for you to do it, then when you do, he grins so hard his face hurts a little. Felix likes being the little spoon.

"Are you listening?"

His vision narrows down to the sight of you holding out your palms in the air, there's wet clay on them, as well on your cheek and legs, between them your pottery wheel is halted to desuetude, there's old newspapers layering the floorboard to prevent staining.

"Sorry...," he smiles sheepishly, "What did you say?"

It's your turn to shift your gaze to your feet. Felix thinks it's highly uncharacteristic, the way you seem almost...shy?

"Can you..." You eye the mug mounted on his study desk, he catches onto your request easily, "I'm thirsty—"

"Yeah yeah hold on... careful," Felix chirps, carefully guiding the rim to your lips to make sure it doesn't spill. He uses the tip of his thumb to wipe the corner of your mouth, you flinch first but then whilst the mild shock subsides, simply stare up at him as the pad of his thumb brushes against your skin. "There you go..." he trails, eyes bright with care.

You feel like a child being doted on, the mere emotion plunging you back to when you were 5 and had crushes on boys who shared skittles with you.

"Thanks."

Felix's ears perk up at the courtesy, you were never one to express yourself easily and when you did, every time, he felt inexplicably delighted.

The apples of your cheeks feel hot for some reason, by putting yourselves in in these small situations, you keep confusing him, you know, because you keep confusing yourself too.

You come out again that night but this time Bang Chan is shifting around in the kitchen. He hardly sleeps, you observe, but probably refusing to come out because he wanted to avoid bumping into you.

Chan doesn't seem to like you very much. Probably. You don't blame him. Before you came along, Felix and he spent more time together, now you had become a constant in his life without will.

You have to listen twice to realise he's speaking with you. Not an invisible being behind you.

"What?"

"I said..." His tone dropped dangerously low, he looks annoyed at something. "Listen I don't care what you're doing but don't hurt him." He's wearing a black t shirt and a pair of pajama shorts with cartoon wolves littered all across the baby blue fabric. He's trying to appear intimidating. It's not really working.

You stifle a laugh.

Frankly had you not known how deeply he cared for Felix, you'd not have cared about his advice. Or warning....?

"Fine," you respond, watching as the tension visibly left his body with one bating breath. "I hope this isn't about me stealing your yoghurt though."

"It's a little about stealing my yoghurt," he jokes, you think he's one of those people who'd apologise if you punched them in the face and spat in their drink. It's interesting...

Chan laughs a little. His eyes sparking with amusement for the first time of all the times he's looked at you. Did he trust your word that much?

—

"He talks about you a lot you know,"

You nearly spit out your drink. Seungmin isn't exactly the densest guy you know. Far from it exactly and he isn't discreet either. So your first instinct is to think he knows something.

You watch Felix from a distance, a solo cup in hand, he's laughing at something Hyunjin said, there's a crinkle along the bridge of his nose and his upper lip curls upwards to reveal his teeth. In reality, in everyone's eyes, your lives are separate. They walk on eggshells around you still...you assure yourself there's no way anyone could've guessed.

So you play dumb, glugging the whiskey into your cup. It spills around the edges, landing on the semi-lit neon counter.

"Who?"

Seungmin blinks at you. An unreadable expression on his face.

"Jisung." He says, "Who else?"

You feel yourself getting less excited, the breath you were unconsciously holding passing your entire form. Jisung is the newest addition to your life, a performing arts student who offered to portrait model for a project you'd been given in class. He's cute, forward, which you like a lot. And you notice whilst using him for inspiration, that he looks at you just as attentively as you had at him.

Only for different reasons.

Jisung asks for your number. You say yes. Half-heartedly. Though at the forefront of your mind you keep comparing everyone to the guy you go home to ever so often, you pick out their flaws and their perfections and you think to yourself he isn't like this, he is like this.

"Yeah?" You pose, sipping and wincing. "What did he say?"

"Just the usual stuff...." Seungmin tilts his head, he's not drinking tonight because he has an exam tomorrow. You think it's a little funny that he's carrying around water in a solo cup. "But I can tell he has the hots for you,"

You laugh this time. That's no surprise to you. "Well he's not so bad himself."

Seungmin narrows his eyes, shooting you a suspicious look.

"Of course you'd say that...." He taunts, "Heard you guys hung out...how was that by the way?"

"It was alright. Sort of just...happened. We bumped into each other and he offered to buy me dinner."

"And you...said yes?"

You give him a blank look, sarcasm dripping from your monotonous sentences, how else would you have spent time together?

"No, I didn't, Seungmin,"

The owner of the name rolls his eyes at your satirical comment, "No need to be mean, I'm just a little surprised is all."

"Surprised?"

You raise an eyebrow, Felix is still in your line of sight, it looks like he's stalling, waiting for your conversation to end so you could leave. He glances at you a few times and you quickly text him a 5 more minutes. "Why's that?"

"Cause every time you start to have feelings for someone, you take one step forward and ten steps back," he points out, "Think about it...you haven't been in like an....actual relationship after...well, you know," he postulates.

You glare at Seungmin, your pride somewhat injured.

"Hey! I've....dated."

"No....you slept around with people, that's not the same as dating." He retorts.

You snort.

Wouldn't you know.

Minho changes an upbeat pop song to something mellow. It's in a foreign language...maybe Spanish, you understand nothing but you don't have to to know it's a sad tune, the lyrics coming together in a melancholic harmony. Your eyes drift away, you feel your attention falter.

It was not unknown for you to have absolute control over your life, be it living your days by strict routine or building such a sturdy pretentious armour around yourself so that your organic self remained unscathed underneath. You had learnt the hard way that being yourself in front of other people would only bring you hurt...but if no one really knew you, no one could hurt you.

This game of hide and seek had become such a long standing practise in your life that it disconnected who you are from who you pretended to be. And every time the extent of your actual desires, monsters much beyond your control rose to the surface, they brought you shame, disgust.

You found those pretences withering away, the shell of protection around you falling apart whenever the thought of Felix crossed your mind. — his heavy noise of content against your neck, his fingers curling into your sheets, his open mouthed kiss against the arch of your hipbone, everything and anything...you had again, despite all your abrasions, become madly consumed by him.

And you must admit to yourself that you are becoming quite ridiculous because of it.

In this strange moment, you realise you almost need Felix to harp on about you even though you specifically asked him to keep all that you have a secret. You want his friends to come scurrying to you to start telling you that he cares so much he can't keep his mouth shut, to be so enamoured with you that his innermost feelings become painfully apparent, that it's utterly stupid of you to not see how he feels about you.

That's not how it goes though. Stuff like that only happens in movies.

Felix responds, texting, "Take all the time you need." Surprised, you steal a glimpse of him, but only when Seungmin isn't looking. You didn't know what you expected, something more crude, that would give away that he was jumping on the balls of his feet to only get into your pants, that would remind you that Felix is nothing but your fuck buddy. You find that you always look for reasons to resent him....because if you did, it meant that you didn't have to acknowledge how you're still in love with him.

You knew what you were in for. And hoping, wanting something more....is no more than wishful thinking.

Felix smiles at you, a genial smile, a simple curve along the corner of his lips which conveys patience, but also something deeper, like...understanding.

Again no matter how much you pushed him away he seemed to find his way back to you in some fashion, just to convey that your union is not all as black and white as you told yourself it was.

You down the entire drink in one swig. Seungmin makes a face at you, the kind he makes when you stick your fries in ice cream for shits and giggles,

"Well....we broke up a long time ago," You hiss at the awful taste stinging your throat, sounding slightly angry. You can't believe it matters still, but when you've been clutching onto something for too long, be it a painful emotion or a memory...you start to think it's the locus of your life, an integral part of you. It terrifies you to think who you'd become without it — vulnerable, malleable, sensitive.

You can't do that again.

The last few weeks, regardless of how good they were, didn't change a thing.

It couldn't. You wouldn't let it.

Seungmin is right, you think, you are taking ten steps back. Just not in the context he thought.

"There's no reason I shouldn't start now."

—

Turns out there is a reason.

Jisung asks you out the next day. He's so friendly that you feel overwhelmed. At all times of the day, he dresses like a frat boy out on his morning jog. A nike running shirt and loose fitted trousers, a baseball cap worn the other way around...it's a little silly.

You don't mind it, having the kind of apathy you would have towards someone you don't know very well.

Everything with him feels new, awkward. But also slightly exciting. He talks too much when he's nervous and you notice that he's almost always nervous because of your personality, as though he can't really put a finger on you and doesn't know what to do about it. Besides...he’s not a horrible kisser either, you muse, he just doesn’t know what you want.

Yet whenever you heard yourself thinking those compliments, you couldn't help but feel utterly guilty, a strangely deep seated feeling that you were doing something wrong.

Why did you feel this way....

Felix isn't your boyfriend anymore. You don't owe him any form of loyalty. You knew that. You're someone who sticks to their gut feelings and your gut had decided that something about seeing Jisung didn't feel right and not just because of Felix, but because you're not interested in a relationship just yet. And you're sure he could tell you aren't, he shouldn't quite expect a call back anytime soon.

"I had a nice time," you say, because it's true. He took you out for ice cream and bought you candy floss when you stared at it for too long.

When Jisung doesn't respond for a hot minute, you follow his trail of vision, which instead of focusing on you, has shifted to the semi-lit backdrop of your apartment. He's too obvious.

"Do...you want to come in?"

He flounders a little at your suggestion, embarrassed. "Would that be alright?....if I did...."

"That depends, are you gonna kill me?"

You say with a straight face. No matter much Jisung prodded at your exterior, you wouldn't budge, like you usually hadn't. Unravelling isn't really your thing so....he can't tell if you're kidding or not.

"No...?"

You snort, "Why do you sound so unsure?"

Jisung's face has grown impossibly red, he could feel his ears burning in indescribable shame. You just have this air about you that makes you incredibly hard to read and it's really attractive.

"I....I didn't..."

You keep your voice, steady, calm, "Relax," "I'm just screwing with you," you say, stepping aside for him to enter, "Make yourself at home."

—

You suppose you were born to study the arts.

You never could consider yourself a studious being. When you were in school, you remember falling behind in classes where the arduous process of revising was required, say mathematics or the sciences even.

Though that realisation hadn't come to you naturally.

Your parents wouldn't take kindly to you not taking up a "well paying" profession and you fell victim to the constant barrage of criticisms, of mockery which ultimately conditioned you to think some part of you, a large part just wasn't good enough.

And with Felix gone....

You were at your worst.

The two years you spent without him were the hardest, a set of years that obliged you to protect yourself from all the hurt around you, inside you. And while the security that you provided yourself is undoubtedly necessary for well...anyone, the process itself had its wicked way of rendering you unspeakably lonely.

You agreed to apply as an engineering major to gain your parents' approval and then transferred to the arts department by the time you'd successfully moved out. You haven't spoken to them ever since...and it hurt you more than you would deign to admit.

When your mum drops over for a surprise visit and chances upon your ex-boyfriend loitering about in your kitchen, fixing up midnight munchies, she takes a natural guess that you've gotten back together. (Which you think is far more agreeable than the truth. Knowing your mother, a staunch supporter of your relationship with him, she wouldn't take lightly to your arrangement.) And before you know it, you're all having dinner.

Felix makes an effort to dress up well, discarding his usual hoodies and joggers for a more formal look, you suspect it has something to do with the fact that you haven't attended any casual settings with him since you broke up.

Cutlery clinks against ceramic, coming down with a semi-loud thump as you try to swallow the enormous lump in your throat. Your mum makes a passing jab at you, saying how you had settled for a much "easier" major than say architecture or philosophy, she bitterly mentioned that everything worked out in the end. After all, your choice is a "much fitting" field of study for someone of your caliber, backhandedly insinuating that you're far too stupid to pursue anything else.

What inspires hilarity is how those insults still affected you. In front of Felix, you act like these few years have brought the fighter out in you and here you are trying to blink away the onslaught of tears prickling your vision. It feels like someone stripped you off your skin, off your flesh and picked out all your shortcomings for him to see.

You expect him to stay quiet, you expect him to think of you as the utterly shameful, selfish being you tell yourself you are,

But Felix's fingers find your shaky knuckles under the table where they rest on your knee, he implants the weight of them in a reassuring squeeze. "Well I think it's great," he says instead, smiling cheerfully at your mum. To which she, for the lack of support, sheepishly beams at him, "Not many people have the drive to do what they want to do. Or know what they want to do...take it from me, Missus [.....]" He laughs nonchalantly, the hairs on the back of your neck standing to attention upon hearing the lovely sound. You always liked his laugh, the sound rippling against your naked skin, thick baritone when he'd just woken up and a kiddish falsetto when he's extremely happy.

You wonder when you started paying so much attention.

Felix glances at you, lingering for a long minute."I bet it took a lot of guts."

You feel your chest constrict with a sudden surge of emotion from the mere look, you can't remember if the Felix you knew in the past, or anyone for that matter, had ever beamed at you with such pride.

You wonder what he'd think if he knew about Jisung, why you had neglected to tell him at all....you knew, because this little moment is precious to you and you had no reason to tarnish it. Not when you had time.

You tilt your head, using your free hand to hastily find the back of his neck, drawing closer to him with little strength. The more he realised what you're doing, the more excited he got. See he found your newly introduced public display of affection immensely attractive, though obviously embarassed by the sudden motion...

You can do crazy things sometimes. Really crazy things. In public and he has never opposed to such exhilarating things, be it in restrooms or even in a similar setting when you were dating, there was a certain thrill to it which drove him to the brink of insanity. Felix would silently implode your attention when you were alone and when you were out in the open, in whichever way he was to receive it, the way which insinuated you were his was the best of them all. All that was fine though...because it was just the two of you.

But now...in this indecent time, he wishes he could hear what you're thinking.

Had... had you gone completely mad?! Your mum is looking!

Your face is stoic, Felix's mouth parts, then you reach over and kiss him shamelessly.

Over the years, all the things that have caused you pain were things you had endured on your own, in his absence. This realisation alone invites a heavy conviction inside you.

Because you know it just as well as he does, no matter how sincere he is to you — you don't need Felix. Not really.

But you want him.

—

You do a stupid thing. A stupid endearing thing and Felix's heart beats like it would jump out of his mouth if he opened it.

It was meant to be a secret, what you two have, a matter of uncomplicated lust which didn't require the attention of anyone because it initially or so you put it, wasn't important enough.

Then you charge to him, he supposes it has a little to do with the person who was blatantly flirting him in the middle of Changbin's Halloween party, he doesn't care though.

You don't like embarrassing yourself, so he doesn't actually expect you to wear a black cat hairband matching his white ears and feline tail. Felix wants to think it means something, how despite the coos and the caas, the giant wave of surprise washing over your friends, you interlace your fingers within his and kiss his cheek.

He doesn't what that makes the two of you now... but he would give you all the time in the world to figure that out if it meant you could be his again.

—

You trace your fingers against outline of his face. Splatters of moist moonlight kissing the high rise of his cheeks, dusting along the long fringe of lashes which cast shadows along his skin, his freckles are like dots of bronze dispersed on his skin. He's beautiful like this.

"You're thinking too much," he says with his eyes closed, smiling a little. "Don't think so much."

You laugh. "Or what, huh?"

Felix cracks an eye open, his grin big, kiddish. "I was hoping you'd say that," he rubs the tip of his nose against your collarbone, he snuggles closer to your chest. What you hadn't expected was how he shifted his entire weight onto you, lying entirely atop you as though he were a starfish.

You couldn't stop laughing at the motion, it's so cheesy and gross...you love it.

—

Here's something you don't know — Jisung tells his friends everything, about making out with you and taking you out...everything. News travels fast. Faster than you anticipated. Despite wanting to divulge the matter, you were too taken by the recent shifts in your feelings to confess to your little interaction. You had told yourself again and again — a little later, just a little later and I’ll tell him.

It could be too late now.

The entire campus knew of your little rendezvous, shooting you curious looks... it's not until Minho comes up to verify the floating rumours do you all but sprint to Felix's place. You think of Chan's trusting eyes, of don't hurt him, of laughing in the intimacy of your bedroom and swiping your fingers down his spine like you were trying to commit the undulating design to memory.

You're not sure where it all began.

but you don't want it to end.

Felix doesn't answer your calls or your messages. When he buzzes you up, just from his gait, just from the resigned look in his eyes, you know he knows.

You watch as he listlessly leaves you to enter, walking before you without saying as much as a word.

You grab Felix’s elbow, making him stop in his tracks. He looks at your fingers wrapping around the muscle, shrugging you off easily. It’s just a small gesture but its impact is so large...that you feel your heart break into a million pieces.

You had never seen Felix being so quiet, even when he was down, he found a manner to radiate a form of optimistic energy which baffled you. You can’t believe how much you could have possibly hurt him.

“I can explain.” you gulp, “We went out on one date. It wasn’t because I liked him, I know it’s stupid and...I should’ve told you. I’m sorry, that's not an excuse, but you have to trust me when I say it didn’t...it doesn’t mean anything to me—”

“Did you sleep with him?”

With his back turned away, he still isn’t looking at you, speaking to you with a surprisingly stable tone.

“No.”

Felix takes a shuddering breath, one which expresses the small relief of knowing that Jisung hadn’t seen, touched you, felt you in the way that he only had, but there’s still so much more he wants to know.

“Did he make you laugh?”

It’s a silly question, he realises belatedly but he can’t help it. Some part of him, a large part, thinks he’d be more hurt if you made someone happy and they made you happy than if you fucked them.

You shake your head even though he can’t see you. “He didn’t.”

Your fingers again reach for his, wrapping your index into his thumb. You slowly move your hands to his middle, clutching him close to your chest, chin hooking into his shoulder, suddenly...you feel him melt into the embrace. Felix’s voice falters for the first time, small trembles against you. You’re willing to answer all his queries if it could put his mind at ease. You put your heart on hold for too long.

"Do you hate me...?" He sniffles.

You blink....did you?

Felix had changed, like you, he had matured, the past version of him you had so stubbornly ingrained in your endless inner monologue is not the one you grew all too familiar with...

Familiarity does breed contempt, does it not? Well you think the line between love and contempt is untraceable, melded together as a mysterious whole. After all those years, you were still angry, still filled to the brim with contempt for him and more importantly, yourself because you still love him much more than you'd like to admit. After all you've been through. After all this time. The need to love him ultimately encompassed every other emotion which posed itself as a hindrance.

So the opposite of love, the absence of love, you think, isn't hate, it's indifference. An emotion you never felt towards him.

Felix has wedged himself into every aspect of your life, tainted every portion of your routine in his presence and in his absence.

You don't think you'd have it another way.

"You broke my heart," you explain, "I was angry....but I could never hate you for the sake of hating you."

"I can't..." Felix whispers, twisting his body so he could look at you now, “I can’t promise you that it won’t be hard but I'm not—I’m not going anywhere...you know that right?”

You lean your forehead against his, his eyes shifting to your mouth, hands rising to wrap around your neck. You smile.

“I know.” you say, "Me neither."

“I love you...” He says in a small voice, putting his hand against your knuckles. “Do you love me?”

Your eyes soften, cupping his face like this — carefully collecting a lone tear with your thumb before it could touch his cheek. This time there is not a shred of hesitancy, no pause, no pondering before you say,

“I never stopped.”

—

You enter in a blind rush of panic, thinking you might miss your ride, feet knocking together, elbows hitting elbows, bustling all around you and the sudden overwhelming stench of people hit you, it’s not an ideal setting, not at all actually.

But you couldn’t bother to be displeased a second you spent with him. A teenager rolls her eyes at how disgustingly in love you are, elderly couples tutting under their breath...albeit, you don’t fail to notice their subtle smiles, small shake of their heads which attested to the fact that the joy you both radiate is.. absolutely infectious. You stumble with him behind, Felix is laughing breathlessly, bumping into your chest as the train suddenly starts moving, you place a finger on his cheek and he raises his chin to look at you.

“Did you eat?” he repeats, mocking himself, a dialogue from a time which seems an element of the distant past replaced by a love which compensated for every hitch in your relationship. You still argue, still disagree and still make up the same. Felix was right, it isn’t easy.

But when two people love each other as much as you do,

it’s worth trying. With every fibre of your being.

“No.” You laugh, playing along, “But I could, with you.”

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