#jolted awake for real and had no choice but to immediately shower

[from-the-clouds]

Kiss Me More (Part IIII) - Zemo/Reader

Masterlist | Part One | Part Two | Part Three | 

Summary: Reader ponders the decision they made after meeting Zemo in Riga. Series now complete!

Words: 5.2k

Warnings: Kissing, marijuana & alcohol abuse, heavy angst & depression, small reference to suicide, implied casual sex, yearning

A/N (also check out A/N at end when finished reading): This is it, everyone! I was going to end this completely differently originally, but after some thinking --  and some light peer pressure from ya’ll, I did something a little different. I did fight with this part the most out of all of them, so I hope it’s still good. Please enjoy. And thank you for all the love on this series, it’s been so fun to write! Also I was listening to this song while writing this.

---

The incessant buzz of her alarm clock jolted her out of her dreamless sleep. Fumbling in the dark, she slapped the top of it, hitting the snooze button and looking at the interface with bleary eyes. 

4:00 A.M. It stared, indifferent, back at her tired face. 

She groaned, squeezing her eyes shut and lamenting, bargaining, half expecting the clock to turn back time when she opened her eyes again. Unfortunately, it did not. With a huff, she threw back the covers and stretched, disturbing the orange cat that slept in the empty spot next to her where her husband used to lay. 

Snorting, the cat lifted its head to look at her as she climbed out of bed before curling back up in a ball where her feet had been. 

“Don’t mind me, just getting ready for work so I can feed us,” she said, grumpily, then in a moment of repentance, affectionately scratching her behind the ears. 

She had always been a night owl, so she didn’t think it would be possible to ever get used to waking this early. No human was meant to function at this time. It was the one part of the job she hated most. The rest of it was manageable, though it was still work. 

Setting about her morning routine, she showered, made coffee, and donned her uniform. Eating a day-old bagel and nursing her coffee on her tiny balcony, she looked out over the darkened horizon. It was far too early to even enjoy a sunrise. 

There was a saying, time heals all wounds. After her husband died, she’d heard it a lot. It was a saying she had come to find true. But it’d been well over a year since she’d left Helmut, alone in that swanky hotel room, and it still hurt like it was yesterday. 

“I understand,” he’d murmured, and she felt the ghost of his kiss on her forehead, arms around her waist, even now. She shivered, not from the chill of the morning air.

She’d left her old life behind, all of it. Sam and Bucky, too, about a month after their time in Riga. She couldn’t look them in the eyes after what she’d done.

But, she was proud of what they’d accomplished. They’d defeated the Flag Smashers. Bucky seemed happier, more at peace. Sam had accepted his role as the new Captain America. John Walker seemed to have faded into irrelevancy. All the loose ends had been tied up in a pretty little bow.

Except for hers.

Which is why she moved, sold all the stuff in her tiny NYC apartment, and packed her car full with what she couldn’t bear to part with, some photos and momentos from a different lifetime. Her car didn’t stop until she hit the Atlantic Ocean, on an island just south of Charleston. All but undiscovered by tourists, the residents in the sleepy beach town kept to themselves, and she could go about her life in peace, undisturbed. 

She couldn’t just run away from her problems, that was why she’d left Zemo. It seemed counterintuitive, but in her mind, it made sense. The problems would catch up to her, like they always had. The dissatisfaction she had with her life, with herself, was always going to return. And she knew she had to be alone to deal to face it head on. Like a wounded animal, crawling into the woods, there were only two ways things could end here; either she’d heal and come out stronger, or eventually she’d die. And so far, the healing part wasn’t going great. 

Each day was a matter of convincing herself that she’d made the right choice. Especially now, as her eyes burned, fighting to stay open against the inviting embrace of sleep. 

Despite it being dark outside, the bakery was bustling already when she walked in the service entrance. It smelled amazing, as always. Sweet and warm, a cacophony of aromas, baking bread, fresh coffee, sugar.

She set about the usual preparations to open up, packaging orders for the regulars, sweeping the floor, wiping down countertops. Once the place was open, she didn’t have to work the register, as she prepared batches of dough in the back for proofing, to be baked the next day. 

Before, she’d been a terrible cook, but she’d grown comfortable in the kitchen after learning to bake. There was something satisfying about working with her hands, at this point she’d memorized all the recipes and the work became second nature to her. Now, she always had fresh bread and pastries in her kitchen, although they were the slightly disformed, ones the shop owners deemed too ugly for the glass display cases. Daylight was cherished, even if she barely saw it inside the shop. Because while she was awake, busy with work, her thoughts remained pleasant.

At night it was the hardest. Things got quiet, lonely. When she got home, she poured herself a drink. Cheap whiskey, the kind that came in a plastic bottle and burned on it’s way down. She had never been much of a drinker before, she was now. Her thoughts were more manageable after a drink. Especially because she was usually thinking of Helmut. 

It was often that she wondered what he may be doing, and those thoughts usually ended with the image of him lying in the sun, poolside, on some island in the Pacific Ocean, drinking expensive champagne with a supermodel. It wasn’t a particularly comforting thought to her, and yet she was plagued by some variation of it every night. 

Sometimes, she’d humor herself, and imagine what they might be doing had she decided to stay with him. Unfortunately, thinking of that was more upsetting. She wanted it, selfishly, though she wasn’t willing to admit it.

When she was younger, it had been so easy to block out the pain, to just press forward, no matter what. Much to her dismay, it didn’t get easier as she got older. Years of watching those she loved in pain, years of being in pain had taken a toll on her resilience. She wasn’t the strong woman she once was, she was weak.

That night, one drink had turned into two, into three. Wallowing in her own self-pity had become second-nature, she felt like Hamlet, lamenting her circumstances, a constant turmoil monologuing in her brain. But this night felt particularly worse, for some reason. 

For the record, she had been doing better. But she was all-too-familiar with how grief worked, pulling her back down the dark side of the mountain, where she was forced to fight her demons over and over again. At some point, they were going to win.

It was a funny thing. Despite the loss of her husband, who she had loved dearly, his death had been easier to accept. Final. She couldn’t bring him back. Helmut on the other hand, was still out there, an open wound that could never fully heal.

Before she knew it, she was four drinks in, at her bedside table, fumbling through the bottom drawer, until she found what she was looking for.

Back on her couch, she stared at the card in her hand, the hastily written phone number on it, an international line. Helmut had given it to her, the day she left, stuck it in her purse while she wasn’t looking. She didn’t discover it until she had returned home.

It had been months since she last did this, pulled the card out of its hidden place in her drawer, placed it on the coffee table in front of her next to her phone, and considered dialing it. It had been a frequent occurrence when she first moved here, when she couldn’t find a job and spent most of her mornings either hungover, or stumbling home from rendezvous with men whose names she wouldn’t remember, and she wouldn’t care to, because there was only one man she really wanted. She could only hope he’d be as close as one call away. But she never called. 

I mean really, he’d probably moved on by this point. If she was going to call, she should have done it months ago, when there was more of a chance that he’d give a fuck. 

She considered this a setback. But she’d made her way halfway through the cheap bottle of whiskey, it was the drunkest she’d been in ages and she was curious. She didn’t know whose number it was, who’d be on the other end of the line, and never knew why Helmut would want her to have it to begin with.  

At this point, she wasn’t capable of good decision making. In general, it hadn’t always been her strong suit. So why did doing the right thing matter now? It didn’t, she decided. 

Taking a swig of whiskey straight from the bottle, she ensured she wouldn’t remember what happened next, at least not clearly. 

The phone rang twice before someone picked up. “Hello?” she didn’t recognize the sound of the man on the other end of the line immediately, so she didn’t answer. All she had wanted to do was maybe hear Helmut’s voice, he didn’t even need to know it was her that was calling. 

“Hello?” the man repeated, and she realized it wasn’t completely unfamiliar. The grandfatherly, comforting tone wasn’t her former lover, but someone close to him. And she supposed that wasn’t terrible.

“Is this Oeznik?” she asked. 

“It is,” he said after some hesitation. “May I ask who’s speaking?”

Truthfully, she was shocked she’d allowed herself to go this far. This was a bad idea. If she stopped now she could get off without doing any real damage. But just as she was about to hang up, she heard her name, muffled, on the other end of the line. 

“H-How do you know it’s me?” She raised the phone back to her ear. 

“I thought you sounded familiar,” Oeznik chuckled, low and soft. “Helmut told me you might call.”

“He did?” she squeaked. “Yes, although it was awhile ago. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“I uh….I….well….” she managed. “I guess I just….I guess I wanted to see how he was doing.”  Her words flowed together like the liquor she was drinking, she knew she sounded drunk.

“Good, since we last spoke,” he said. “I don’t hear from him much these days...maybe every couple months. As you might imagine, he’s trying to keep a low profile for the time being.”

She nodded. Perhaps Zemo was as lonely as she was, hidden away in some cabin in the middle of nowhere. Though she had to imagine it looked much nicer than her current place, and maybe he had better company than a portly orange cat that begrudgingly liked him. “I understand.”

“How have you been?” he asked.

It sounded stupid, but she realized it was the first time someone had asked her that. Sincerely. Checked up on her. Even if she was the one who had dialed the number in the first place.

“I’m good,” her voice cracked. “Just keeping busy.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” he said. “Helmut always had such nice things to say about you.”

“Really?” she couldn’t stop herself. 

“Of course, would you like me to let him know you called?” 

“No, no...I wouldn’t want to bother him,” she choked on her words, something catching in her throat.

“Are you sure you’re alright, dear?”

“I’m okay, I just….” she felt tears prick at the back of her eyes, lowering her voice, since she didn’t think her normal register would come out as anything other than a whine. “I think I made a horrible mistake.”

“What’s the matter? What did you do?”

She shook her head, shaking the tears loose and now they were lining her lashes, threatening to spill over. However, she managed to make the next words she spoke come out clearly. “Nothing, I just...it’s really stupid, I really shouldn’t have called.”

He sighed on the other end of the line, and she felt like, despite her attempt at staying calm, he could still see that she wasn’t somehow. “It seemed Helmut was awfully sweet on you,” Oeznik’s words next came hesitantly, calculated. “I shouldn’t be telling you this, but he told me if you ever called, to help you with whatever you might need, no matter the ask.”

Oh God, what had she done? A sob left her, one she couldn’t control, and she clapped her hand over her mouth to stifle any more. Her tears were flowing freely now, tracking down her cheeks and along her chin. She wiped at them clumsily, clearing her throat. 

“That’s very kind of him, but you can’t help me. I’m so sorry to bother you, please just forget I even called,” she forced a smile on her face so that hopefully he could hear it. “Goodbye.”

She hung up, horrified, and within seconds had deleted the call log from her phone. She’d been thoughtful enough not to memorize the number, and the lighter she used whenever she smoked sat in front of her. Without a second though, she burned the card, watching the paper blacken and disintegrate, until it was all but a pile of soot on her Wal-Mart coffee table. It was a fair punishment, and ensured she’d never get the chance to embarrass herself like that again. 

And then she cried, sobbed into a pillow next to her, until her tears ran dry and she wore herself out, falling asleep on the couch alone. When she’d wake the next morning, the only evidence of her actions would be a throbbing headache and a dead phone. 

She wouldn’t remember the call.

----

Life went on, as it always did. It had been about a month, and since that night she grew more indifferent, remembered how to ignore heartbreak. For now, she was stuck in her purgatory, waking up before the sun and falling asleep before it set, smoking joints, drinking cheap liquor, and going on the occasional date with people who she didn’t really like, tourists who would leave after a week and wanted temporary company. 

Despite everything, she partly believed things were getting better. Maybe they weren’t, but the possibility that someday they would seemed feasible. And that was enough, for now. 

On her days off, she’d walk to the beach and lay on a blanket, reading a book until the sun dipped below the horizon and lit up the sky in hues of pinks and purples. She found a record player at an antique store and began collecting vinyls, listening to obscure artists whose albums she found in the $1 bin. It wasn’t so bad. Life wasn’t so bad. 

She took a shower after work. Tomorrow was her off day, and she wasn’t sure what she had planned besides maybe watching a movie and getting stoned. Maybe she’d try going to the beach. The weather was getting warmer, and she could even go swimming if the water wasn’t too cold. 

Exhausted from her day of work, she laid down in her bed, still in her robe, her hair wrapped in a towel around her head. The sun was setting outside, the windchimes she’d hung outside slowly clanging together, birds singing in the warm spring air. Her cat hopped on the bed, offered an affectionate trill and curled up at her side, purring, in a rare display of affection. A cool breeze drifted through the open window. And for the first time in over a year, she felt content. Closing her eyes, she savored the moment, committed it to memory, so she could recall it the next time she was drunk-crying in front of her TV. 

She fell asleep slowly, so slowly that when she woke, startled by something in her kitchen clattering to the floor, it felt like she hadn’t even been sleeping at all. The clock next to her red 11:31 p.m. and it was pitch dark outside, the cool breeze from before had grown stronger and her bedroom curtains were billowing, wind whistling loudly through the apartment. Her cat had left her side, and she frowned, shivering in the sudden cold.

Pulling the towel off her head, she made her way over to the window with the intention to close it, sleepily, lazily, until she heard something else. A creak in the floorboard. A heavy footstep in her kitchen. That wasn’t just her cat. 

Some kind of muscle memory was ignited then, an ancient instinct that called to her from a different lifetime. Darting across the room, the gun she kept was in her hand, stealthily pulled from its hiding spot beneath her mattress. Truth be told, she never thought she would’ve needed it. Anyone looking for her would be smart enough to kill her in her sleep, not be so foolish as to wake her first with their heavy footsteps. 

A dark silhouette stalked through her kitchen, moving slowly. It was a man, she assumed, based on his broader figure, and lack of coordination. In her experience, women were often stealthier without trying. He took another step, the floor creaking below him, shuffling on bargain linoleum. 

Staying low, she crept forward, ducking stealthily behind furniture, avoiding the spots on the floor she knew made noise. It didn’t appear the intruder had a weapon, in fact, it seemed he was bumbling about, searching for something. A burglar, and a bad one at that. An island full of vacation homes owned by rich doctors and they thought they’d find valuables in her shitty apartment?

It wasn’t until she was standing directly behind him, gun aimed at his head, that she finally spoke up. 

“I believe you’ve come to the wrong place,” she said flatly. “Whatever you’re looking for, it’d be in your best interest to leave empty-handed.”

Her eyes were still adjusting to the dark, but the intruder froze, arms slowly raising in defeat, empty-handed, as he turned around to face her. In the dingy room, she couldn’t make out any of his features, could only see that he was clad in all black.

“Unfortunately, liebling, that wasn’t my intention.” 

She would’ve recognized that voice anywhere, though the endearment he’d used was enough to clue her in. Hitting the lightswitch with her free hand, she was face to face with the man she’d spent the past year trying to purge from her memory, Helmut Zemo. 

Her gut twisted, her mind raced, but the only thing currently bubbling up, over the surface of every other emotion was the pure, seething rage left behind in the wake of fearing for her life.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” she stepped towards him, gun still raised, fuming. 

“Hey, hey!” he staggered backwards, hands raised, eyes averted. 

“I thought you were a fucking robber!” she hissed. “I thought you were here to kill me!”

“Lower your voice,” he scolded. “You’re going to wake your neighbors.”

Taking a deep breath, she realized she still had her gun trained on him and she lowered it, clicking the safety and discarding the weapon on the countertop. “What the fuck?” she asked. “What the hell is wrong with you? What the fuck are you doing here?”

“I didn’t know you had such a mouth on you,” he smirked, but she wasn’t finished, and she glowered at him. 

“You broke into my apartment!” she growled.

“I had to be sure I was in the right place.”

“Yeah? You couldn’t have knocked first?”

He nodded, eyes trailing down to her hands, which were trembling, she hadn’t even realized. He seemed to understand what he’d done then, and she flexed her fingers, eyes locking with his. “I suppose...you may be right,” he said, surrendering.

She felt the rage subsiding as she took in his appearance. He looked not so different from the last time she’d seen him, except a fair amount of stubble covered his jawline in a short beard. He was still devastatingly handsome. Zemo’s dark eyes, filled with longing, drank her in, tilting his head as his gaze shifted to her lips. It was like she could read his mind, she knew what he wanted, what he was thinking. And her body was going to betray her if he kept it up.

Despite everything, she was still upset. Upset and embarrassed, as the light was doing an unflattering expose of her tiny, cluttered apartment, full of mismatched furniture and water-damaged wallpaper that her landlord refused to replace. It probably gave the prison cells that Helmut had spent years in a run for their money, and was in stark contrast to every other aspect of his life.

“What’s this?” he asked, gesturing to the empty liquor bottles on her countertop, stowed in her trash can. “Have you been drinking?”

“Not tonight,” she quipped, on guard. Had to be. As much as some old instinct told her to throw herself into his arms, press her lips to the underside of his jaw, and let him envelope her in the comfort of his embrace, she knew she couldn’t.

“Hmm,” he brushed past her, frowning, looking disappointed, as he made his way to her living room. 

“How did you find me?” she asked, eyeing him wearily.

“I’m a wanted man, I trace every call that comes into my estate,” he said over his shoulder. 

Helmut was taking inventory of the cramped space, staring at the photos she’d hung in a collage on the wall behind her couch, with a few watercolors painted by her late husband. One in particular, that he was focused on now, was from her wedding. Of all the memories she chose to hang, this one was her fondest, her former partner was all dark curly hair falling into deep blue eyes, and she was the portrait of a blushing bride, wearing a dopey love-drunk smile, gazing at him, ignoring the camera. 

“You looked so beautiful on your wedding day,” he said, turning over his shoulder to look at her. He was so out of place here, standing in her living room, for a moment she thought he might be a hallucination, some physical manifestation of the heartbreak she’d experienced. “Although that doesn’t surprise me.”

She flushed, suddenly self-conscious in her thin black robe and still-damp hair. It occurred to her that she wasn’t looking her best, which made this whole situation that much more disconcerting. However, the compliment disarmed her slightly, and the anger she felt began to dissipate, slowly. She was going to offer him something to drink until her cat, who had been absent through the chaos, suddenly jumped up on the back of the couch and promptly hissed at him in an attempt to defend her territory.

“Pumpkin, be nice,” she said, although it was mostly to placate Helmut. Pumpkin never listened to her. 

Helmut let her sniff his hand, and she was stunned when the cat rubbed her face against it. Of course, Pumpkin would like him of all people. That made sense. Then again, she supposed it made them not so different. He turned away to look at the rest of the room. “I see you haven’t kicked that bad habit you told me about,” he gestured at the ashtray full of roaches on the coffee table. 

“Did you just come to my place to insult me?” she asked, putting her hands on her lips and feigning confidence. She could’ve rolled over and cried and told him how much she missed him, how many nights she’d spent crying over him, and while all of it was true, she felt indignation was the better option for her self-preservation.

“That’s a good question,” Helmut turned to face her now, hands in the pockets of the leather jacket he was wearing. Completely inappropriate for the weather here, but he didn’t seem to notice, or care. “Why do you think I’m here?” he asked.

She shrugged, feigning indifference. “I don’t know, but you shouldn’t be.”

He snorted, his frustration evident, and she saw a glimpse of the man that so many feared, the side that had earned him his dangerous reputation, that had him locked away in a high-security prison for nearly a decade. “I didn’t come all this way for nothing, draga, we’re going to have it out.”

“Fine,” she said, lacing as much venom as she could into her words to prepare herself. “Then get on with it.”

He stared her down, and the expression her wore startled her, something sparkled in his eyes, mischief, relief maybe? It was insulting. Like he didn’t take her seriously. But there was something else there, too, something she couldn’t quite put her finger on, but it was wiped from his visage before it registered.

The tension in the room dissipated slightly when Zemo sat on the arm of the worn couch she’d bought from a yard sale, and she winced. “I spoke to Oeznik the other day,” he said flatly, snorting, eyes focused on a stain on one of the rugs she owned. “He told me he had the pleasure of speaking to a friend of mine about a month ago.”

Frowning, she tilted her head, her eyes meeting Helmut’s. Something in her brain sparked a memory she’d once dismissed as a dream after a particularly bad night of drinking.

“He was concerned, you see, because this friend didn’t seem to be in the best state of mind,” Helmut rose from the arm of the couch, stalking forward slowly, and she couldn’t move backwards, not even if she wanted to, as he could pin her easily against the front door. His voice grew louder, faster as he went on. “He said she was crying, slurring her words, he told me he thought maybe she might be-” Helmut cut himself off abruptly and closed his eyes, clenching one of his fists, a look of distress on his face as he took in a terse breath. “I won’t finish that thought, but you’re a smart girl, you can imagine what I’m getting at.”

Swallowing hard, the phone call came back to her in pieces, the tears, sobbing on the phone to a man she hardly knew. It was the night she finally admitted to herself she’d made a mistake, even though she’d already known it, deep down when she left him in the hotel room. 

“Please forgive me for breaking in tonight,” Helmut said. “But I couldn’t bear the thought of you not answering the door, I needed to see with my own eyes that you were okay.”

Exhaling through her nose, she looked at the floor. “It’s not like that. I had too much to drink.” she said, keeping her voice as steady as possible. “It was just a bad night.”

“Then tell me, what was the horrible mistake you made?” he asked, stepping closer. He was close to her, now. So close. And his proximity made everything more difficult.

God, if only she could remember exactly what she’d said, the only thing that came to her were the emotions, desperation, sadness, grief. It was all too much, and he was threatening to bring them all back to destroy her again. 

“I shouldn’t have called,” she said, shaking her head. “And I’m sorry. What do you want me to say? What do you want from me?”

“What do I want from you?” He asked, tilting his head, his eyebrows pulling together. “Do you have any idea how worried I was? How hard it was to sit on a plane when all I wanted to do was be here? With you?” His hand rose to cup her cheek, stopping just short of her face when she flinched away from his touch.

“Please stop,” she managed, the burn of tears behind her eyes almost menacing. The last thing she needed was to cry in front of him. “You’re undoing everything.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” he asked. 

“You’re….you’re here,” she murmured weakly, wetness seeping, glossing over her pupils. “I only have so much capacity for pain right now, if you touch me now, you’ll ruin everything.”

No one ever had this kind of hold on her, she’d never bent her rules to appease anyone else, and she’d gone toe to toe with super soldiers. He was just a man, and yet, he terrified her. 

“You really want me to leave?”

She couldn’t answer, but one tear escaped, sliding down her cheekbone, and she sniffled. 

“I’m not the one who did this to you,” his thumb, swiped along her face gently, wiping it away. He’d touched her, just barely, and she was reeling. 

“I know,” she stuttered, gasping. “I know it was me, but I thought I was doing the right thing.”

“You are so stubborn.” His expression softened as he looked upon her, his thumb tracing underneath her jaw, tilting her head upwards to look at him. Malleable, she obliged. “I’ve thought about you everyday since the night we spent together. You’ve plagued me. That can’t be a coincidence. Are you really happier this way? You must be honest with me.”

She shook her head, blinking out fresh tears. “No, I’m not. I just thought...by the time I realized I made the wrong choice, you’d have moved on. People like us don’t get to be happy.”

“Says who?”

How could she refuse him anymore? This would continue to go on until she gave in. And from the beginning, she wanted to give in. There was no use in fighting the inevitable. The small point of contact -- his hand on her chin -- radiated impressive warmth, and she could feel every part of herself being attracted to him, quelling some ache deep within her. 

Reaching up, she clutched at Helmut’s palm, which didn’t last long, because he pulled her into his arms, nestling her head underneath his chin. She melted into his embrace, finding solace in the warmth of his solid frame. 

“Come home with me,” he coaxed softly. 

“I will,” she murmured, surrendering to the comfort of his presence. “But you have to let me bring Pumpkin.”

He chuckled, warm and amiable, the vibration of his chest echoing in her own. “Of course, you’ll bring Pumpkin,” he murmured into her hair. Oh, how she had missed hearing him laugh. They could’ve stayed that way for hours, and she would’ve been content, but he pulled away, hands on either side of her face as he studied her.

Unable to hold back any longer, she leaned in to kiss him. It was chaste at first, all the memories of her last night with him came flooding back quickly when he parted his lips to deepen the kiss, but she didn’t want that quite yet, just needed a moment to process this. The simple comfort of being held by him, kissed by him, was more than enough for now. He’d been waiting for this, she could assume in the way that he responded, pulling her impossibly close so she was engulfed in him.

Her stomach flipped, a warmth blossoming in her chest as he pulled away, their foreheads touching. “Oh, I missed you,” she sighed, shivering as his beard tickled her neck, his mouth on her sensitive skin.

“And I, you,” he murmured. His eyes studied her, carefully, up close, and for the first time since meeting him, she really let him see her, teary-eyed and vulnerable.

She would never let him go again. 

---

A/N: So here we are! I know it’s been a ride, but I’m really excited for these two. However, I don’t feel like I’m done writing for Zemo yet. If ya’ll have any headcanons, thoughts, questions, requests, etc, feel free to drop them in my ask box or shoot me a DM. I’d love to talk more about him. I also would be down to write more oneshots based around this series, because I am sort of like….okay, they obviously have a connection, but they don’t know that much about each other, and I may or may not have a light future already mapped out for them. I might do an epilogue at some point even. But if you have anything you’d like to add, let me know!

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#helmut zemo #helmut zemo x reader #helmut zemo x you #helmut zemo imagine #baron zemo #tfatws #the falcon and the winter soldier #marvel #mcu #marvel writing #tfatws writing #daniel bruhl #zemo x reader #zemo x you #zemo fanfiction #helmut zemo fanfiction #writing #fanfiction #tfatws fanfiction #series

[fantasia-monogram]

Inspection

♥️ Inseong x reader (gender and pronouns not specified, female anatomy)

♥️ Smut (~2k words); I'm back with my quirky nerdy a bit emotionally detached Inseong agenda! Oral sex and fingering, a tiniest little bit of anal play, edging, lightly hinted objectification and somnophilia and, possibly, some elements of medical play (can be interpreted like that). Established relationship. They're both kinky bastards, everything is fully consensual.

♥️ Disclaimer: this is just for fun! I’m not claiming that’s how he is in real life, it’s just my imagination doing whatever it wants. Read at your own discretion.

You certainly didn't plan to wake up before the alarm, but the sound of rustling behind you pulled you out of your well deserved sleep. It was already getting bright outside - despite that, you were about to try your luck dozing off again.

At least until Inseong's arm sneaked around your waist, only to push you snug against his chest.

You hummed in confusion. Inseong? Awake at this hour?

"Shh- You can just doze off. I need to do an inspection on you." His whisper, smooth like silk, brought warmth to the back of your neck.

"Inspection?" You asked, although at this point, nothing coming from Inseong's pretty mouth should have sounded weird or confusing. Especially so early in the morning. "What are you on this time?"

"My brilliant brain. And eight hours of quality sleep," he murmured against the shell of your ear. That was true: last night, he went to bed right after taking a shower, claiming he would only take a short nap. Two hours later, you had no heart to wake him up, so you just snuggled with him and fell asleep yourself.

"Anyway, we haven't seen each other for a couple days… I need to check up on… some vital parts of your gorgeous body." His hand hovered over the front of your briefs. "See if you're cumming properly."

You squirmed in the embrace, unable to hide the jolt of excitement that rushed through your body. That only made Inseong pull you closer.

"Oh no, we can't have you all tensed up during the hole inspection," he cooed with fake sympathy; you couldn't tell if his choice of words weirded you out or made you horny. Probably a mix of both. "You need to relax."

Just as he said that, he moved his hand upwards, letting it slide under your T-shirt. He caressed the skin on your stomach, which definitely wasn't helping you calm down.

He leaned his head over your side. Now, with better access, he left a trail of tender kisses from your temple, all the way down your jawline. You were just starting to relax a little, when his fingers moved down, catching the hem of your underwear.

"The sooner we start, the better. Be nice and follow my instructions, okay?" he asked in a reassuring tone, although you knew he was just pretending. Mere thought of his dirty intentions made you shiver.

He sat up and pushed away the sheets.

"Can you lie on your back for me?"

You nodded and did as he told, your heart beating faster with every moment.

Inseong was in front of you in seconds, sliding your briefs down.

"Okay, now spread your legs wide."

You trembled when cold air hit you between your legs, as you hesitantly fulfilled the order - or maybe it was just because you felt so exposed. Inseong, not wasting any more time, nestled himself comfortably, leaning on his elbows. He moved his face dangerously close to your pussy; you could feel his breath on your skin.

After a while of just observing intently, he spread your labia with his fingers, using the thumb of his other hand to press your clit in a little circle. You grasped the sheets beneath you, holding back a moan.

All that anticipation was driving you crazy, even though he was touching you without any kind of lubrication so far.

"Oh, okay. Correct reaction."

Inseong's voice was steady and almost neutral despite the situation you were in; he still didn't bother to look away, either. Another circular motion of his thumb had you writhing, but you didn't make a sound - that is, until he grazed another finger through the slit of your entrance, making you whine at the brief contact.

You decided to peek, only to see him observe his now wet index finger. Then, he licked it clean.

To say you were all fired up would be an understatement.

"That's better." He returned to his earlier position. "But still not enough."

He made brief eye contact with you, probably just to make sure you can see everything well. Lining his face right above, he let a streak of saliva drip from his mouth onto your clit.

Your body jerked as the liquid hit your swollen bud, the roll of it through your skin almost agonizing. Inseong, still in character, watched it flow leisurely, until the last drops disappeared between your cheeks.

You swore your revenge after you were done. This amount of teasing was truly criminal.

Next moment you had to drop your threats, though, because Inseong nonchalantly brought some of your wetness up and started massaging your bud properly - all of that with his eyes still focused on his ministrations.

Yes, you were basically reduced to your pussy. Yes, it was turning you on like hell.

The movement was definitely too slow to be satisfying, so when clenching around nothing gave you no relief, you let out a couple strangled, high pitched whines.

Inseong picked up your clue, though not without putting his own twist into it.

"I suppose we're done with the preparation," he stated calmly. "Time to start the actual inspection."

That bastard. He was just playing around all that time.

He carefully pushed a single finger into you - and you could clearly tell it was the middle one, because once it was all in, its tip rested right on your sweet spot.

You tried rotating your hips to get some pressure you craved so much. Inseong immediately withdrew, no more than a centimeter or two, making you cry out from sheer frustration.

"Everything seems to be fine on the inside, too." Inseong murmured. You could hear a devilish smirk in his voice.

You were looking to the side, not wanting to show your eyes were glazed over with tears, but you caught Inseong sitting up straight with the corner of your vision. He was staring right at your face.

No, you couldn't give him the satisfaction of seeing you so worked up.

As if he read your mind, he put his hand on your knee, spreading it further. Still staring at you, he started pulling his finger out as slowly as it was humanly possible. You were so swollen and sensitive already that the deliberate, agonizing movement was making you lose your mind.

Inseong chuckled. He was clearly enjoying it.

You thought he was done teasing and would just peacefully bring you to climax, but he had something else in mind.

Daring to look at what's happening, you saw him finally pulling the finger out, a long streak of your juices sticking to it. You could swear you blinked for a mere second - only to get startled by your own sharp gasp as Inseong pushed three fingers at once into you, the slide easy thanks to all the wetness.

Oh God, the fullness was heavenly after all the teasing.

Keeping his eyes on you, Inseong started pumping his fingers in and out at a relentless pace. At the same time, he kept rubbing your clit with his other hand.

He might have sucked at physical activity, but his hand coordination was out of this world.

You covered your face with your arm to drown in the intense sensation; at this point, you didn't care - you screamed, unable to handle the delightful stretch in a collected way. Soon enough, your cries dissipated into quick breathy moans, a tell-tale sign you were close.

That's when Inseong abruptly removed his fingers, once again leaving you empty. You let out another scream; this time, out of frustration.

"For fuck's sake, just let me cum!" You hit the bed with your fist.

Inseong laughed out loud.

"What? Are you kidding?" He laid down on his stomach. "We still have another hole to inspect."

You went quiet immediately. You brought up this topic a couple of times before. Was he actually going to do it now? A shiver took over your body.

Inseong pressed his middle finger against your clit hard enough to elicit a choked gasp from you. He started moving it down, coating it well with your juices. Once he passed below your entrance, he licked his lips and leaned in to press them on your clit.

You couldn’t control the sounds coming out of you anymore when he put his mouth and tongue to work, literally making out with your pussy - slow kisses, licks and warm huffs of air turned you into a mess in no time. The feeling was so overwhelming you almost forgot about his finger that was going lower and lower down your crack.

You held your breath when you felt it touch your other hole.

Inseong stopped for a moment. He swallowed theatrically. What a show off.

“I need your consent for the final part of the inspection.” He was dead serious.

“G… go on…” You mumbled, surprised at how hoarse your voice has gotten.

With that, Inseong’s tongue swirled on your skin again, and his finger mirrored the movement. His oral game, as amazing as always, distracted you for a moment; he increased the pace, and you decided to focus on the sensation.

Then, you felt the pad of his finger push a little, and your mind was gone.

Your orgasm hit at the slightest breach through your rim; you came hard, practically wailing, shocked by the intensity. It lasted longer than usual as well, so that when you were done, you could barely get yourself back together.

“Oh God… Oh God, what was that…” You wondered, completely out of breath. Stunned and confused, you sat up.

Inseong’s shirt was soaked all around the collar, not to mention he was wiping his chin with a sleeve.

“I give it an 8 out of 10 score, just because of squirting. Didn’t get to inspect the other hole properly.”

You smacked his shoulder, although it was more like a weak pat considering your physical strength just leaked out of you.

Quite literally.

Inseong’s only reaction was surging forward to pin you to the mattress with his body. He pressed his lips against yours, letting you taste yourself on his lips. You didn’t mind it; you both loved being a little messy anyway.

"I love you so, so much. I'm sorry I called your cunnie a hole," he said, breaking the kiss. You shook your head at his remorseful expression; he always gave such cute nicknames to your intimate body parts that this one time wasn't an issue for you at all.

He embraced you tightly, hiding his face in the crook of your neck.

“Hey, sir, I think we have one more inspection to do,” you giggled, feeling a half-hard bulge poking your thigh through Inseong's shorts.

No answer came. You pulled away from the embrace as much as you could, locked by Inseong's tall frame.

The boy was asleep already, resting his head on your shoulder, a carefree smile on his lips.

You sighed and patted his hair fondly. Well, sometimes it was all about him giving you pleasure you deserved, rather than trying to chase his own. Having you blissed out under him would feed his (bigger than expected) ego just enough.

Actually, it was one of the things you loved the most about your relationship - right after Inseong's unusual quirks and kinks, that is.

#sf9 imagines #sf9 smut #sf9 scenarios #inseong imagine #inseong scenario #inseong smut #inseong x reader

[rosierossette]

Tempting - Ch. 2

Chapter 2 of my Tempting Loki series - 

Work Summary: Working as a Temp for Tony Stark you only expected your life to revolve around sending emails and important papers for Tony Stark. However, all that changed when Loki came to live with the Avengers. Two years later, they still don’t trust Loki and need someone to constantly watch over him and keep him from causing Mischief. Given the magical ability to control Loki with your words, your journey begins as you try to carefully tread the line between keeping Loki safe and keeping others from harm. But trying to control Loki has more problems than you’re ready for, and soon you discover why he’s the God of Mischief, and how much he’s willing to sacrifice for his freedom. 

Warnings: None for this chapter. 

Previous Chapters: 1 | 2 

A/N: I finally wrote a summary of this! 

I also just now realized that when I move my story from my docs to Tumblr it automatically gets rid of all the italics that I have...so I tried to go through this chapter and fix those for you. Sorry if that caused any issue with reading the first chapter!

Once again, enjoy the story! Let me know what you think! 

You jolted awake the next morning to the sound of loud clanging. You quickly threw on your pink top and skirt and raced to find out what all the noise was. The sounds were coming from the kitchen and when you finally arrived you were greeted to the sight of filthy, blood-covered Avengers making themselves breakfast. Or at least Sam making himself breakfast while everyone else looked ready to drop dead. Sam was searching through the cupboard to find yet another pan to add to his growing pile of pans on the stove. 

That explains the noise then. 

You didn’t know who to address first and just chose to talk and see who would actually respond. “You guys don’t look like hell at all.” 

You snickered as Natasha stuck her tongue out at you, only to wince, rubbing her fingers on her temple. There were random quiet hellos, and even some waving, but no one made a move to greet you. You didn’t blame them in the slightest. 

“Hey (L/N).” Stark came over and plopped a hand on your shoulder. “Everything went well?” His voice was shallow, and chunks of his armor were missing. When he caught you assessing the damage he waved you off. “I’m fine (Y/N).” 

You had a hard time believing that, but you just shrugged and said, “Everything was good yesterday. I sent out those emails you wanted, got those research papers out.” You counted each item off on your fingers. Even if he did look like he just brutally lost a fight he was your boss. You weren’t about to let him down just because he was out. Did you mention you really enjoyed this job?

“Good, good work.” Stark sent you an awkward thumbs up. “But I mean, how was, you know?” He made two horns on his head, lifting an eyebrow as he did. At your confused expression, he sighed “Reindeer games, (L/N). Reindeer games.”

You cringed inwardly. 

How much should you actually tell him? The words came out before you could stop them. “Everything went well. No complaints from me.” Alright, I guess we’re going with that.

Stark stared at you for a moment before shrugging and wandering off. You waved goodbye to all of the avengers as they finally went off to crash. When Sam had finally finished making himself food, he left with a full plate. You shook your head, chuckling at his antics. Of course, Sam would be the one to eat while the other Avengers just wanted to sleep. 

Quickly making yourself cereal, you thought over all the things you needed to get done today. New clothes were a top priority, makeup was a must, and your hair could use a wash. You didn’t want to think about how bad you must look right now. 

When you finished you cleaned up, wiping up the mess of pans and some red splatters on the tile you were afraid might have been blood from one of the Avengers. You tried not to think too hard about that. 

As you finish up a sudden and completely unnatural shiver ran down your spine. You shook your head and shoulders to ward off the feeling, but it stayed with you until you heard, If you’re awake, come and let me out now, a bitter voice rasped into your head. 

You jumped, smacking yourself in the head for forgetting about the temperamental God you had locked up. You ran to his room to let him out. “I’m so sorry Loki, the Avengers came back this morning, and I completely spaced-” As soon as you opened the door you were interrupted by Loki. 

“I don’t need to hear your excuses!” He barked. “Remove your order so I may leave!” His fists were curled, his brow tensed. Apparently, he wasn’t in the mood for talking. 

You knew when it wasn’t the time to start a fight, muttering quickly, “I release you from my spell.” You moved aside before Loki could shove you out of his way. As he walked, muttering about your stupidity, you released a heavy sigh.

It was always hard to tell with Loki if you were going to need to defend yourself. Even if you did need to defend yourself, there wasn’t much you could do to stop him. You did have the lucky ability to control him, but you were afraid of what would happen if you used it to defend yourself too often. 

What if he managed to find a way to release himself? 

You shivered slightly. You didn’t want to know. 

Remembering your desperate need for new clothes, you ran to the bedroom you borrowed, grabbed any extra items of yours laying around, and quickly ran out of the tower. You said goodbye to the front desk workers. The man at the door was cute, which added fuel to the fire of you berating yourself. 

When you left the tower you were reminded of the fact you were wearing the same clothes as yesterday, making you cringe. At least they didn't smell too bad. It was unfortunate that you had to walk around in yesterday’s clothes, but since you decided to save it until later, that was your own doing, and you silently beat yourself up for not doing it the night before. 

I’m just suffering the consequences of my choices. It was your own fault you had makeup smudged across your face. Something you immediately regretted not cleaning as you walked down the street, even more, aware of your face than you usually were.  You pulled the jacket you wore tighter around you. It was mid-September, and already the air was beginning to freeze. You were not looking forward to leaving your warm apartment when it started snowing in a few months, but the things you did for a paycheck. 

Finally, you managed to make it back home. When you opened the door to the small studio apartment, you breathed a sigh of relief. 

You hadn’t realized how stressed you were, but staying at the Tower with one angry God caused you way more stress than you needed. You walked over to your room, kicked off your cute heels, shrugged out of your clothes, and jumped into the shower. The warm water cascading down your body.

As you turned to let the water soak your hair, you thought about Loki and how much you were sick of his up and down attitude. 

You weren’t exactly sure what time you went to bed last night, but he hadn’t been stuck in his room for more than nine hours. The anger with which he spoke to you made you snarl as you begin violently washing your hair. There was absolutely no reason for him to treat you the way he had. You were just doing your job; it wasn’t like you got off on controlling him. 

The thought of Loki having to obey any and all commands you gave, brought steamy images to your mind before you shook your head. You were not going down that road. 

As you got dressed you couldn’t help but wonder why he reacted the way he did. Your mind wandered over how he must’ve been raised. Did he grow up in a happy home? Was he raised with love, or was he raised with no real freedom to call his own? Your mind was crawling with all the different reasons for his reactions to anything you did. Then you remembered hearing how Loki was under mind control when he attacked New York. 

Maybe that’s why he hates being locked up, a voice whispered in your mind. He lost the ability to make his own decisions before, imagine losing it again. 

You couldn’t imagine. Your parents had been a bit overbearing, but they still allowed you to make your own decisions. 

It wasn’t like you had that freedom stolen from you at any point in your life. 

You stared at your reflection in your large mirror and made the decision then and there... Even if Loki was being a major ass, you wouldn’t just take away his ability to choose. 

You’d save that for when talking didn’t work. 

You’ll probably end up using it a lot in that case. You might as well try anyways. You applied a bit of makeup before moving to your clothes. You stared at the closet ahead of you. Your mind wasn’t completely there to actually help you get clothes, you were still worried about Loki. Finally shaking yourself out of it, you grabbed a couple of things before throwing them on quickly. 

You admired your outfit in the mirror. The cute cream peplum top and red skirt with the cream heels you wore made the fashionista side of you happy. You nodded at your reflection in the mirror, satisfied with the image before you. You quickly grabbed your red coat dress and headed out the door. 

Luckily for you, Stark had sent you a text saying that he didn’t have very much for you to work on today, so you could return to the tower whenever you wanted. You didn’t realize how much you missed your small cubical until that moment. 

Wow. Loki must really suck as a companion if I miss that tiny space. 

Outside was just as cold as it was when you walked home, so you hurried on your way back to the Tower. You managed to find a taxi waiting for you and immediately gave the directions. You watched the cars of the city fly by as you waited to arrive. Well, fly by as much as they could in the busy traffic of New York.

 You loved this part of your morning routine. When you could just sit back and watch the city go by, pretending you were a tourist and this was your first time in this city. It filled your head with memories from when it really was your first time in New York. The tall buildings had nearly overwhelmed you. You hadn’t realized how big they actually were, and when you saw the Statue of Liberty, you nearly cried. 

You loved this city.

When you finally arrived you walked into the front lobby, unbuttoning your coat in preparation for the blast of heat that would hit you when you entered the toasty lobby. You waved towards the man at the door. He blushed slightly and waved back. Walking towards the elevators you pressed the button and waited for the elevator to appear. 

“Your desired floor?” Friday’s voice inquired as the doors opened.

“My office please, Friday.” You smiled as you stepped into the open doors.  The bell dinged as the doors closed and took you towards your destination. 

“The Office Floor,” Friday’s voice rang through the air. “Miss (Y/N) has arrived Stark.” 

As the elevator doors opened, you heard, “Thank you, Friday.” Stark stood in front of you. “Long time no see, (L/N).”

“Didn’t you just get back from a mission?” You pointed out. “Shouldn’t you be resting? Or rebuilding your suit?” You raised a brow as Stark waved away your concern. 

“I’m a tough guy. And my suit is just fine thanks.” Stark corrected and that was your cue to drop the conversation. “I actually need to have a chat with you, if you’re not too busy?” 

You smiled. “I always have time to talk to my boss.” You followed Stark as he led you towards his office on this floor. You waved at your coworkers as you passed, avoiding eye contact with several angry S.H.I.E.L.D workers as they stomped by. Apparently, S.H.I.E.L.D was in a mood as well. 

Good to know. 

When you finally entered Stark’s office, he closed the door behind you and walked to sit behind his desk. He motioned for you to take a seat. “I’m sorry about putting you in charge of watching Loki, I know he can be a real pain in the ass.” He actually did look sorry.

You hid your surprise. “He wasn’t too bad, just cranky.” 

Stark laughed, his eyes twinkling. “I’m sure. I don’t know when he’s not cranky.” He pulled out a pile of papers from his drawer. “Well, I brought you here to ask you something-” he played with a pen anxiously. “-I was hoping you’d be willing to move into the Tower.” At your stunned face, he quickly went on. “We still need someone to watch Loki, and since you did such a great job yesterday, I thought it might be easier for you if you lived here.” He handed you the pile of paperwork. “I’d have all your things moved here, I’ll cover any cost from leaving your apartment early, anything you need.” 

“You don’t have to do all that Stark-” 

Stark interrupted you, “I want to, (L/N). Watching Loki isn’t exactly an easy job, and paying for any apartment fees is just a small way of me repaying you for being so willing.” He handed you a pen. “Look over the papers, I have to go talk to another office worker, but if you could let me know your decision before the end of the day that would be great.” Stark stood. “And if you don’t want to do it, don’t sweat it, I’ll give you your old job back, and pay you twice the amount I promised for watching Loki. And don’t worry about that little command spell, we’ll get that figured out as well.” He rose, gave you a handshake and left the room, leaving you flabbergasted. 

Your head swam. What were you supposed to do with this? You’d absolutely love to live in the Tower. Even if you were getting paid a lot to work for Stark, you were still a temp, and your apartment wasn’t exactly cheap. Then there was actually being in charge of Loki. You just knew he’d have some complaints about this arraignment. 

You scanned through the papers in front of you. Your eyes bulging when you saw how much Stark was going to pay you for this. Not only that, but he was offering to hire you full time, watching Loki when the Avengers were out, and being Stark’s research secretary at other times. If it wasn’t for the Loki part, you’d have jumped all over this opportunity. You still weren’t sure if Loki would want you to continue to be the one to watch him. 

An idea formed in your head. Asking Loki would be the perfect place to start. Maybe if you gave him the option to actually choose, he wouldn’t be so mad at this situation. You hoped anyway.

You speed-walked back towards the elevator, asking Friday to take you to the Avenger’s floor. When the bell rang and the doors opened, you practically ran out, heading towards Loki’s room. You knocked on his closed door. No reply. “Loki if you’re in there, let me in. I need to talk to you.” 

No response. 

You racked your brain trying to figure out where else he would be. Then you remembered the Library and quickly headed in that direction. You made a mental note to check out the library when you didn’t have to deal with a potentially angry God. Hopefully, that trip would be a bit more enjoyable than you were afraid this trip was going to be. 

When you walked in you stared at Loki as he was reading. He was lounging in a golden chair, which softly reflected the light in the room. His feet were propped up on the hardwood table, his long legs stretched luxuriously in front of him. His black glossy boots crossed at the ankle. 

“Loki, can we talk?” 

Now that you were here, you were weary. You didn’t want to have another fight, but you also knew you couldn’t make this decision by yourself. You had to stick with your guns, even if your guns were tiny and non-existant compared to his defined ones. 

“What?” Loki fumed. He mumbled something about you always interrupting him when he was enjoying himself. 

“I can’t talk to you if you won’t look at me Loki.” You waited while he quickly shut his book. When he finally stared up at you, you began. “Stark offered me a job watching you full time. I’ll mostly be in charge when the Avengers leave, so most of the time you won’t even see me-” 

“And you felt the need to gloat about this because?” Loki stood, all anger and power. “Have you forgotten who I am, you worthless mortal?” The room filled with his energy, and you felt yourself go stone cold. You were paralyzed. Whether through his magic or due to your fear you weren’t sure. “I could kill you where you stand, and there is nothing you could do about it.” He stepped closer. “I’ve lived far longer than you know, girl.” His voice was a harsh whisper, “I’ve seen things you’ve only dreamed of.” He reached for your arms, his fingers curling around your biceps. “And for you to think you can control me!?” His humorless laugh filled your ears, “you’re sorely mistaken.”

Pain shot through your arms as he squeezed bringing back your ability to speak. 

“Don’t touch me Loki.” When he let go, his anger at you using the spell on him again almost made you lose your nerve, but you kept going. 

“I came here to give you a choice as to whether I worked with you anymore.” You watched as confusion flickered across Loki’s face until his well-made mask once again covered his countenance. “I didn’t want to take that choice away from you.” Your voice nearly cracked. Whether from fear or anger you weren’t sure. 

“You overestimate my ability to care.” He sat down on the couch. “Either way some mortal is going to end up giving me orders. Why should I care which mortal? You’re all the same.” He eyed you up and down. “I’d prefer one that was at least pleasing to the eye, but I suppose beggars can’t be choosers.” He picked up his book, flipped to the page he was on and continued reading. 

“Right.” You huffed out of the library. “Guess I’ll make the decision then.” You tried very hard not to be offended. What a jackass. Some God he was. He didn’t have to be so rude about everything. At least you had tried to give him an option. It wasn’t your fault he chose to take offense.

That went the exact opposite way I wanted it to go. 

You stopped and leaned against a wall, rubbing your cold hand on your forehead. The pounding in your head made thinking difficult, but eventually, you were able to come to a decision. 

Heading back towards Stark’s office, when you arrived you knocked, and he called for you to enter. “(L/N), you decided already?” Stark looked taken aback, then his face turned to a mixture of worry and hope. “Have a seat.” 

“If you would give me a pen, I’ll go ahead and sign these papers.” You gestured to the pile of papers you had left on his desk. “I’ll gladly accept the job.” 

You smiled as Stark practically jumped out of his seat. He handed you a pen, and you began signing. 

If I just go ahead and do this, then no other person has to deal with Loki. That was your mantra as you signed the papers. I’m doing this so no one else has to. When you finished signing you were determined. Loki may not like it, but you knew it was for the best. 

Besides, your brain argued, you get to have power over a pompous God with a bad attitude. What else could you want? 

#Tempting #Rosierossette #Rosierossette writes #Loki #Loki Odinson #Loki Laufeyson #Loki x reader

[dakarimainink]

Chapter 10

WARNING: None really, maybe a little bit of sexual tension

My body jolted awake as my phone rang out and scratched my eardrums. I reached for my screeching phone with a swirling head and squinted my eyes to see the name Mark appear on the screen. I slid my finger across the screen and placed the phone against my ear.

“Hello?” I sighed out. My body was still asleep and I fought hard to come to my own senses.

“Hey Luna, it’s Mark. What are you up to?” The familiar voice of Mark came through the phone. I felt a slight annoyance as I had told him every night that he couldn’t call me at this hour. We had a few arguments regarding this, but if he were to continue waking me up every night, I wouldn’t function at work.

I let out a deep sigh. “As always, I was sleeping.” I forced myself to sit up as the irritation grew within me. I rubbed my eyes and lightly pinched my nose as Mark’s voice came through again.

“Right, sorry, but I just can’t help myself, I miss you so much.” He claimed. “Do you wanna perhaps facetime with me? I just wanna see your cute face.”

“Mark, I’m not really in the mood now, can I please just go to sleep? I have some things to take care of in the morning.” I said.

“Come on Luna, just for one second.” He begged. Before I could answer he was already trying to switch to facetime. I quickly declined the call. “What the hell, Luna? I just wanna see you.” He was upset now, his voice slightly raised.

“I said no, Mark. I am tired and I need some sleep. Please, can we talk in the morning?” I tried to stay calm. I was used to these arguments, but tonight I was in no mood to change my mind. Usually he would beg and I would accept, but this time I needed my sleep desperately. I could feel my body begging me to lay down again and drift off to sleep.

“You mean your morning? You know I am asleep then. I’ll just call you when I wake up.” Before I could utter another word, he hung up.

Fuck. I placed my phone back at my night table and laid down again. He had never hung up on me like that before. A worry grew within me and it took me a while before I finally managed to fall asleep again.

~

Rosa – the makeup artist let out a deep sigh as I kept almost falling asleep. She gently shook my shoulder as my head dipped down. I shook my head and looked at Rosa’s reflection in the mirror. “I’m sorry, Rosa. I’m not making this easy for you, am I?” I apologised and tried to give her a sincere smile.

She couldn’t help but chuckle. “No you’re not, Luna. Long night?” She asked as she prepared my hair to set on the wig. To feel Rosa working my hair was a temptation to sleep. It felt good to feel the soft touch and gentle brushing as I sat in the chair.

“Long nights.” I corrected. “My boyfriend keeps calling me in the middle of the night and I’ve told him multiple times not to do it. He just won’t quit it.” I sighed and noticed my phone was vibrating. It was Mark.

“That’s him?” Rosa asked and glanced at my phone buzzing on the counter.

“Yes.”

“You’re not going to pick it up?”

“No.”

Rosa simply shrugged and continued to brush my hair. “Sounds like you’re tired not only from lack of sleep.” She noted and placed a cap on my head. I bit my lower lip; she was right, I was tired. It somehow felt like it wasn’t only the fact that I barely got any uninterrupted sleep at night, but the constant nagging from Mark was draining me. Don’t get me wrong, Mark was a nice guy, handsome too, but the constant ringing and checking up was getting annoying.

I was about to open my mouth when Tom entered the room. Our eyes immediately met in the mirror and he gave me a bright smile. “Hello everyone.” He greeted us with his warm voice. They all greeted him back. He made his way to the chair next to mine and turned slightly towards me. “Evening, Luna.” He beamed and leaned forward in his chair.

“Evening, Tom. How has your day been so far?” I asked as Rosa walked away to get the wig.

“It’s been good. Had my coffee and morning workout, so all is good. You should join me sometime.” He suggested and looked over at Maria who was making her way to him. “Hello Maria.”

“Hello Tom, ready for your hair and makeup testing?” She asked and leaned close to him. Her valley was exposed between her half open blouse. Tom had his eyes locked at her eyes as she leaned in closer.

“Yes I am.” He scooted back in his chair, making some room between them. He shifted in the chair as Maria prepared the makeup and products she needed. Rosa came back with the wig and carefully placed it on my head, adjusting everything to make it look real.

The wig was long, dark brown and wavy. It was unnatural to see me with so long hair, or in fact on any human, which made it more fitting for the series. I was happy with the decision they made to cover up the nudity for the scene later in the series. Rosa continued to style it before taking a step back, admiring her work.

“It looks great, Rosa.” I said and smiled at her.

“Thank you, Luna. I think this was a good choice. We have two wigs though, one loose and one braided. Braided is more for the high movement scenes and the loose for your calmer scenes. We didn’t want it to be too perfect though, which is why it appears a bit untidy, but we thought it would give it more character that way.” Rosa explained and I nodded as she spoke. She was right, it gave it more character. If there was one thing I found annoying, it was the fact that often after high intensity scenes in movies and series, the actor or actress hair always looked good.

My phone began to vibrate again; it was Mark. For fuck’s sake. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes and sigh out. Tom glanced over at me with a raised eyebrow. “You’re not going to pick it up?” He asked curiously and noticed the name Mark on the phone.

“I rather not.” I said carelessly and leaned forward to decline the call. So fucking annoying. Why did he constantly have to call me like this? In the beginning it was sweet and all, but now it was just a nuisance.

Without another word, Tom turned in his chair as Maria continued to work on his hair. I looked at myself in the mirror as Rosa prepared herself for the makeup. I sat in the chair for another hour, talking about everyday stuff with all three of them. At least with talking I could keep myself awake.

~

“Luna, wait up.” Tom calls for me as I walked through the parking lot. I slow down my pace and heard his running footsteps closing in behind me. “Hey.” He breathes out as he finally caught up with me.

“Listen, I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to seem off. I’ve just had so little sleep lately.” I apologised and looked down on my hands.

Tom tilted his head to the side. “Don’t worry, Luna. I know it can be hard sometimes. Why don’t we grab a coffee and talk about whatever you like?” He suggested.

I looked up at him and gave him a short smile. “You know what, I would very much like that.”

Together we made our way down the streets of London till we finally found a cosy half empty café secluded to a small corner of a building. We entered the café and the smell of freshly brewed coffee and baked goods hit us. We made our order and sat down on one of the tables in the back.

I stirred my tea mindlessly, watching the tea swirl in circles.

“Penny for your thoughts.” Tom interrupted my empty mind.

I looked up at him and let out a sigh. Should I really tell him? Perhaps he will think I’m overthinking. I shook my head. “It’s uhm…” I looked down on my teacup. “It’s complicated.”

Tom leaned forward and gave me a sincere smile. “Well, whenever you want to talk, let me know. I am here no matter what.”

I looked up at him again and locked our eyes. His warm and welcome eyes were a serene forest by a lake. Peace. I smile back at him, feeling warmth grow within me. “Thank you, Tom.” I whisper through my lips. Time slowed down as our gaze was kept locked. This man had intruded upon my mind for so long, so violently and hot, but at this moment, I felt calm. For a moment, it felt like it was only him and I in this chaotic world.

His eyes were ripped away from mine as a young woman walked up to us, holding her phone to her chest with a glee plastered upon her face. “I’m sorry to interrupt you, Mr Hardy. But I am a huge fan. Could I please have a picture with you?”

I could already see the annoyance grow within Tom, the way his shoulders tensed up. I knew he was private and disliked any kind of attention like this. “’Course you can.” He answered with a hint of irritation in his voice. The girl didn’t notice it and quickly turned her phone and leaned close to Tom. She clicked a few selfies, each picture a hint of bright pink flush creeping to her cheeks. Seemed like I wasn’t the only one affected by his good looks and charming aura.

“Thank you so much, Mr. Hardy.” She bit her lower lip before scurrying off.

Tom let out a deep sigh. “Hard being recognised.” I joke and take a sip from my tea. He let out a chuckle.

“You have no idea.” He drew his fingers through his hair. His bicep flexed with the motion, making me squeeze my thighs together. Fuck. The thought of me in the shower last night came to mind, and I couldn’t help but smile.

“Any plans this weekend?” I distracted myself with the question as my thighs are rubbed together as sneakily as I could.

“No, just prepare myself for the filming I suppose. Everything should be good to go, so just read through some of the lines.” He leaned back in his chair. “And you?”

“No, none.”

“Coffee?”

“Sure.”

“My place? We could practice some lines.”

“Sounds good.”

“I’ll text you my address.” He winked at me and drank up his coffee.

God what is this man doing to me? My stomach tickled as I finally relaxed my thighs.

He glanced down on his silver watch. “I better get going. Promised to meet up with a friend of mine today.” He got up from his chair. “Wanna walk with me outside?” He asked and looked down on me.

“I’ll actually finish my tea before heading home. But it was nice having coffee with you.” I say.

“Alright, take care Luna.” I watched him leave the café and stroll down the road. Oh god… I stared down on my teacup and took in the scent of apple and cinnamon. Tom could do nothing and still make me quiver. What is wrong with me?

CHAPTER LIST

#fanfic #fanfiction #Tom Hardy #writing #ao3 #original character #original female character #original male character

[kusunogatari]

[ ObiRyū October | Day Four: Pyroman ] [ @abyssaldespair ] [ Uchiha Obito, Suigin Ryū, Hatake Kakashi, Nohara Rin ] [ Death, car accident, severe injuries ] [ Verse: Best Years of Your Life ] [ Previous || Next ]

Play enough with fire...and you’re going to get burned.

To call Obito a troubled youth is...a bit of an understatement. Orphaned young, bullied for his lack of traditional smarts, and having only a handful of friends...if you could call some of them as such. Kakashi was always looking down on him, what with his own perfect grades despite similar troubles. Everyone else seemed to think he was just a fool with no real direction. Rin was one of the few who genuinely tried to befriend him, but...well, accidents happen.

...car accidents, that is.

Kakashi wasn’t even supposed to be taking passengers yet. But it was just a short ride from school. Surely nothing could go wrong...and yet...everything did. He got away with minor injuries. But Rin...poor sweet Rin...was in the passenger seat when the other vehicle struck.

Needless to say...it changed everything. Kakashi began to slip, weighed by a guilt as heavy as a life.

And Obito...Obito was furious. It was all his fault…! All Kakashi’s fault! Mister perfect, do-no-wrong, had taken one of the few good things Obito had left. After one nearly apocalyptic argument, the two refused to speak to one another.

And Obito spiraled. He was just so...so...angry! It wasn’t fair...it wasn’t fair…! Rin...kind, caring, innocent Rin. Why her? Why not Kakashi? Why not anyone else?! Fury seemed to burn away everything until it was hard to feel.

It started with matches, left to burn until they singed his fingertips. There was something so...fascinating, so consuming about fire. If all he could feel was heat, was pain...then by God, he would feel it.

Come senior year, it was becoming obvious his odds of graduating were close to nul. Even Kakashi, once such a shining star of academics, had slipped from the top, gliding by with average marks. For two years, things for the pair had slowly degraded.

But that was the year something changed.

A transfer student. Another orphan. Currently on her way to aging out of the foster care system. Shy, reserved, and yet...empathetic. Somber, and still somehow kind. Come talks of future goals, she admitted to wanting to be a nurse, like her mother.

...Rin had wanted to be a nurse.

It wasn’t entirely unheard of, and yet...it caught his attention. Just for a moment. Though Rin had been much brighter, there was something...reminiscent.

...he decided he hated it. There could never be another Rin. No one could replace her. Just because they were similar didn’t mean she could fill the hole left behind.

Kakashi, on the other hand...seemed to react in reverse. Despite having become rather closed-off, he introduced himself. They started talking.

And in Obito’s twisting mind...it was like some kind of betrayal. And at the same time, it evoked a kind of jealousy he wouldn’t admit to. Why is it Kakashi always gets all of the attention…? Why is he daring to get close to someone else? Won’t he just kill her, too?!

...it’s not fair…

“I’m going out.”

“Be sure to be home in time for supper!” is the frail reply from his grandmother as Obito heads out the back door. He can’t stay in this house another minute...he’s been thinking too much lately. Been too angry. He needs to vent it out, he needs to...burn.

In his backpack are matches, lighters, paper...and courtesy of a passed out bum, a half-empty bottle of booze. And he knows just what he’s going to do with it.

For months, the building has sat empty. Just...waiting for someone to put it out of its misery. He’s been building up to this for ages, and now...now is the time.

It’s going to burn to the ground...and he’ll get to feel something.

Hopping over the shoddy fence, he walks into the sagging door frame, windows boarded and interior filled with junk and graffiti. Already there’s evidence of his practice: scorch marks on the floor, ashes left behind from burnt boxes and piles of trash. But now...it’s time for the grand finale. By now he knows well enough it’ll go up like tinder - the garbage and drywall will fuel it well enough. All he needs is a little...ignition.

Slinging off his backpack, he digs in and fetches his supplies. Tighter and tighter he twists some paper, feeding it down into the bottle until it reaches the booze. With matches, he starts alighting the piles of refuse, watching the flames slowly grow, feeling the heat begin to push at his skin.

Then, with a last match, he lights the fuse of his Molotov cocktail, holding it for a moment, staring at the glass before hucking it against the main wall. With a shower of liquid and flame it shatters, licks of fire catching hold to anything and everything. Smoke clings to the ceiling, and he feels it burn his lungs.

...maybe he should just stay here. What’s left for him out there, anyway? Rin is gone...his parents long buried. His best friend is a traitor, a murderer…! There’s no one else...no one…

With a groan, a large chunk of the ceiling gives way, prompting him to lift arms to his face, choking on smoke and dust. The air swirls, and the heat burns at his skin. Turning around, he stutters to a stop. The doorway is filled with flame, windows obscured and scorched.

He...he can’t get out…!

Despite his death wish moments ago, the realization that his choice has been stripped begets panic. He...he’s trapped! Wait, he - he didn’t mean it! Breath shortening and cut by coughs as his lungs ache with smoke, he staggers forward, trying to find another exit. In the distance, he can hear sirens...surely by now they’re on their way here. But with how quickly things are being eaten by fire, they won’t make it in time...he’s really going to…!

In a last ditch effort, he makes his way to the door, shying as heat leaps at him, tongues of flame trying to lick at his clothes. A few cinders catch, and he does his best to shrug out of his coat, caught in the sleeves as it spreads. Immediately, he feels his right side begin to burn.

“Ah...ahhh!” Blinded by panic, he sprints through the fire across the door, falling and rolling in the front yard, still struggling to escape his burning clothes.

“Obito!”

A feminine cry, and he feels someone crash beside him. Something heavy begins to bat at him, attempting to put out the flames. It burns...it burns! Hot, pain, blinding! Throat tearing as he screams, he feels the weight finally smother him, flames extinguishing. Clothes burned and singed, it’s like he can feel the melted skin, alight with agony as the air reaches it. Almost blindly, he scrambles to cling to whoever’s found him.

“Easy, easy…! You’re going to be okay! Just - try to hold still! An ambulance will be here soon, okay?” Hesitant hands embrace him back, wary of his burns.

Struggling to see, blinded by smoke and exposure to light in the dark of the evening, Obito squints at his savior. All he can see is...is white, a face too blurred by injured eyes. Who…? A ghost…?

“...R...Rin…?”

The figure stills.

“Rin, I...I’m sorry...I…” Too overwhelmed by pain and struggling to breathe, Obito goes limp, unconscious.

Above him, struggling to keep her breath even, Ryū swallows harshly as fire trucks and an ambulance scream up to the curb. Jolting, she waves her hands, lap full of Obito’s weight. “Here! O-over here! Please! H-he’s hurt!”

Paramedics rush across the lawn, hesitating a moment at the sight. His entire right side, from hip to hairline, is burned and blackened.

“P-please, you h-have to help him!”

“We’ll do everything we can, young lady - we need to get him to the hospital. Here…” The pair of medics carefully lift him onto a stretcher, Ryū struggling to her feet and wringing her hands.

“...is he going to be okay?”

“We’ll do everything we can. Are you a relative?”

“I...n-no...I know he lives with his grandmother, um...last name Uchiha…? I don’t know her name...but his is Obito! Obito Uchiha! Please, you -!”

“Let’s go,” one cuts in, moving to load him into the back of the ambulance.

“W-what hospital will you take him to?”

“St. Joseph’s,” the other replies as they lift him up.

“Can I -? Can I see him?”

They don’t answer, shutting the doors with a snap as the sirens blare, pulling away and leaving the smouldering building to the firefighters.

Breath still rushing, Ryū watches for a moment before setting her jaw. Picking up her bike from where she left it in her hurry, she starts pedaling.

“...ngh…”

Struggling for consciousness, he manages to peel open an eye, the room blurred and foggy. It...it’s so white...where…? An attempt to move is ignored by his body, too heavy and sluggish to respond to his commands. Even turning his head is a struggle, barely managing to tilt. He can hear voices, muffled behind a door...one sounds like...his grandmother.

Where is he? And...why is he here? This isn’t his room...isn’t…

Mouth dry, he tries to part his lips, which crack as he gives a dry rasp. It’s like every drop of water within him is...gone. Water...he needs water… Trying again to move, barely rustling his arm, he then notices a weight beside him.

Sight still blurry, he barely makes out a person with their head resting atop their arms, leaned over the strange bed he’s in. It’s only then he realizes he’s in some kind of...hospital cot? But what…?

...oh.

...oh shit.

Memories flicker through a tired brain. Anger, fear, burning...burning…! And then…

...it’s the same person. The same blur of white from before. The one who...put him out. For a moment, he’d thought it was Rin...some kind of spector. But...no...that can’t be. Squinting, he manages to sharpen his sight just enough to see features.

...it’s her. That...that girl. The transfer. The one Kakashi…

A small flare of pain makes him stiffen with a grunt. He remembers his clothes catching, but...how badly did he…?

The sound is enough to wake her, moving sluggishly as she lifts her head. A hand at her brow, she then stiffens, looking up to him with wide greys. “...y-you’re awake…!”

Before he can attempt to speak, she flees her chair, moving to the door. “Ma’am, he’s awake!”

All at once, there’s a rush of people. Doctors, nurses, and...his grandmother.

“Ohhh...oh my boy,” she moans in despair, wrinkled hands gently cupping at his face. “Obito...what were you thinking? You foolish, foolish boy!”

Overwhelmed, he can’t reply, eye flickering over the crowd of people, panic building. And there, at the back and retreating, is the girl.

“You were caught in that arson fire,” one doctor offers. “You were burned severely along your right side...it’s going to be a lengthy recovery. You were lucky someone was there to help put you out. Much more, and your odds of surviving would have plummeted.”

“...w-who…?”

“Is this why you were always smelling like smoke?” his grandmother cuts in, worry in her eyes. “I thought...I thought you’d picked up smoking after that poor girl Rin died, but...that wasn’t it, was it? You were...burning things…?”

“Ma’am, this might be better left until he’s more conscious,” a nurse offers softly. “For now, we need to get him stable. He’s alive. The rest can come later.”

For a moment, she looks so frail, so...empty. Expression hollowing, his grandmother nods. “...I...I think I need to sit down…”

“Come this way, ma’am - we’ll go get you some tea.” The nurse leads her from the room, and after they’re done checking his vitals, the others file out too.

...all but one.

Leaning against the far wall, hands pinned behind her, Ryū lingers, looking lost in thought.

Obito just...stares at her.

“Y...you…”

Head lifting, her eyes flicker over his face before offering, “...you need some water?” Moving to a nearby pitcher, she carefully fills a cup, putting a straw in and guiding it toward him. “You sound awfully dry...here…”

Accepting, he can’t help a small feeling of shame as she maneuvers the straw to his lips for him. But the soothing of water over his arid tongue is enough to make him forget, melting in relief. He nearly drains the entire thing before offering, “...thanks…”

Ryū nods, setting the cup aside. “...this...might be a stupid question, but...how are you feeling…?”

“...heavy,” he replies. “I can’t...move…”

“Well...your right side is currently all bandaged up, so...you’re a bit restricted,” Ryū explains softly. “It, um...it looked pretty bad. I think they’re going to let the burns breathe soon, but they have to be careful about infections. So for now, you’re covered.”

His free eye roams over her face. “...you were...there…”

“...I was riding home from practice when I saw the smoke. I went to see if anyone was hurt, and...and you were…” Her head bows. “...I just...moved. I didn’t really think. I just hope I didn’t make things...worse.”

“No...doctor said you...saved my life.”

“Well, I...I w-wasn’t very gentle there for a minute, I was...I had to get it put out.” For a moment, her gaze is far away, seeing something he can’t. “...you looked so...scared. You just…” Greys lift back to his face. “...you, um...you called me...Rin.”

“...I thought…”

“...thought I was a ghost?” At his surprised look, Ryū gives a smile that doesn’t reach her eyes. “...I...get that a lot. But I’m glad you’re going to be okay, I...I was r-really worried.”

“...was my fault...I…”

“That’s, um...that’s what they were saying. That you...started it…”

His silence is telling enough.

“...well, they were going to tear it down, anyway. I’m just sorry you got hurt. They said it’ll take a while, but...you should make a full recovery! They’re just worried about the scarring, and...possibly limiting your mobility if it heals too tightly...so you’ll have to have some therapy for that…”

“...I don’t want it…”

“...but -?”

“I should have died. I should have…” He exhales, breath shaking. “Then I’d…”

After a moment’s hesitation, Ryū lays a gentle hand atop his own. “Look, I...I don’t know you. Not very well, at least...but…” Somber greys look to him, and Obito stills. “...my mother was...a nurse. And she used to tell me all sorts of stories of people pulling through the worst situations. It was her belief that every life is precious. Every life should be fought for. Which is...why I want to be like her when I get older. I’m...well, I’m not a nurse yet,” she murmurs with a hint of a smile. “But...I know potential when I see it. Kakashi has told me bits and pieces about you, and...everything you’ve been through. And even just knowing what little I do, I know you’ve struggled. Life can be...really tough sometimes. Especially when you lose people you love. But...I think Rin would rather you find a way to move forward than give up for her sake. Don’t you think…?”

For a moment, there’s a stroke of temper. She doesn’t know him...never knew Rin! What could she know about it? But that look in her eyes...he knows that look. He’s seen it in his own when he catches a glance in the mirror.

...she’s lost something, too.

...maybe, in a way, she knows.

Obito heaves a shaking sigh. “...I don’t know…”

“...well, you’ve got time to think about it. You’re, um...you’re going to be here for a while, it seems. But, if it’s okay with you, I’d...like to come visit you, when I can. It’s probably going to be pretty lonely here, and...I’d like to get to know you better. And I guess it doesn’t hurt for me to get a little early practice, right?” A smile flickers across her lips. “...but if you don’t want me to, I’ll leave you alone. I don’t want to, um...intrude.”

“...I’d...like that.”

At that, Ryū brightens...and for a moment, something about her expression reminds him of Rin. “...okay! If you want me to bring anything, just let me know.” Her chin then ducks, expression turning a bit demure. “...I’ll come around whenever I can. But I’d better head home for now, and...I think your grandmother wants to talk to you, so...I don’t want to, um...be in the way.”

That makes him flinch a bit. This...isn’t going to be an easy conversation. “...all right.” As she gets up to leave, he offers, “...Ryū?”

At the door, she stops to turn back.

“...thank you.”

For a moment, surprise slackens her features...but then she softens with a smile. “...I’ll see you later, Obito. Take care, okay?”

He gives a fraction of a nod, watching her go. All sorts of conflicting emotions seem to eddy within him.

Rin… Sighing, Obito closes his eyes. ...I really am an idiot, huh? I’m sorry. I’ve just been so...angry. I didn’t know what else to do. I miss you so much… A tear leaks out from behind his lid, jaw tightening. I didn’t mean for things to turn out like this. I didn’t mean for...any of this. Maybe she’s right. Maybe I’m clinging to you too much. Maybe I need to let go, and...try to move forward. It was an accident...wasn’t it? I just needed someone to blame. Kakashi, I’ll...I’ll apologize. Maybe it’s too late. But I have to try…

Hearing the door, he turns to see his grandmother. There’s a bit more color in her cheeks, and her head lifts to look to him.

Something in him snaps, and Obito’s expression crumbles, breaking into sobs. “G-Grandma, I...I’m s-sorry...I…!”

Tearing up herself, she totters to his bedside, gently taking his cheeks in her hands. “Oh, my boy...forgive me. I didn’t do enough, did I…?”

“It’s not your fault…!”

“But I…”

The conversation fades into crying, and Obito feels a sort of weight lift from his chest. It will take more than this, but...it’s a start. As he manages to cling to his grandmother with one arm, he stares out past her shoulder.

...maybe Ryū will come back tomorrow. And he can do a little more.

It’s not just his burns that need to heal.

     I'm...still not sure if I like this one =3= While I like the overall concept, it was sort of hard to execute how I wanted, especially toward the end, but...I tried, aha~      Poor Obito...while his typical modern verse sees him disfigured via a car accident, I thought this would be a fitting twist based on the prompt. And instead, Rin got to be in the car wreck, except...she didn't get to survive it :'D I think I'd do better with this if I had more time and space to build up, but...I'm trying not to get TOO out of control with these since I have other things I want / need to write. Maybe I'll redo it someday, but for now...this is what we've got, lol      Anywho, that's all for today's! Thanks for reading~

#obiryū october #abyssaldespair #uchiha obito #suigin ryū #hatake kakashi #nohara rin #death // #car accident // #severe injuries // #best years of your life [ au ]

[twentyandsomechange]

Worry Bout Ya Self

Let’s talk about judgement for a second. This is something that SO many people say they do not take part in and claim to be nonjudgmental of others, but as we all know, that is not always the case. They probably really do THINK they are and maybe they are nonjudgmental about some, or most things, but not everything. Or they just openly judge other people because they have a holier-than-thou complex and have the nerve to say things like “I would never” or “how could they.” I truly believe that unless you have lived in someone’s shoes and know all the things they have gone through you have absolutely no right to judge their actions. Of course I am not talking about things like unjustified murder, molestation, or anything of that sort. My experiences have forced me to realize that most everyone has a reason for everything and that humans are only capable of understanding things at their own level of perception.

This is not to say that we have to be intelligent to understand one another, but we do need to be UNDERSTANDING. Do NOT judge what you cannot understand. If you have never been through a tragedy or had something terrible happen to you, you have absolutely no right to an opinion about someone who is just doing their best to survive after having their soul wrecked. I cannot tell you how many people thought they had the right to speak on my actions or life choices after I had gone through something that most everyone will never even experience anything remotely close to in their entire lives. It was infuriating. And it made things much worse in fact. Here I was, just minding my own damn business. Trying to hold myself together every single day and telling myself to just go through the motions of my “normal” life until I could get to a point where I didn't constantly think about what happened, and there were actually people who felt they had the right to talk about the things I was doing to cope. No, some of the choices I made were not healthy or right, but I was literally just trying to survive when my mind and body had already given up on my soul. I was smack dab in the middle of America’s largest mass shooting for Christ’s sake. I missed tons of work afterwards because there were many days that I could not convince myself to leave my house. There were too many things outside that would remind me of the awful things I witnessed that night. Of course people just assumed I was lazy or lying about being ill because I was off playing hooky doing something fun. I really was sick though. Sick of being alive and pretending to be okay. I stopped communicating with people that I knew loved me because every time one of them would make me smile or feel grateful it would immediately be followed by immense guilt. The guilt was the strongest feeling I can remember ever feeling in my life. Other than the fear I felt when bullets were raining down around us. I was convinced I was being called home to my maker and just praying my mom would know that I loved her. How on earth did I deserve to be happy and alive when there were so many others that were much more deserving than me that had not been so lucky? The mother of three, the police officer that saved people’s lives, the veteran that fought for years for his country.. all these people made much more important contributions to this world than I probably ever will. And all of these things crossed my mind almost every second of every day. Have you ever felt guilty about doing something wrong like cheating on a test or lying to your parents? Multiply that feeling by 10,000 and even that is probably not an accurate description of the amount of guilt I felt every single day just for being alive. Survivors guilt is absolutely a real thing. It is a mental condition that occurs when a person believes they have done something wrong by surviving a traumatic event when others did not. And the PTSD, that I still deal with to this day, was no walk in the park either. You know that feeling of falling when you’re about to drift off into sleep, but then something jolts you awake and you feel like you might have a heart attack? That is what my body did to me every 30 minutes to an hour every single night. As soon as my mind and body would begin to relax it would suddenly realize that no, we could not relax just yet. We are actually still in panic mode because someone is trying to kill us and we think we are going to die at any second. I must be awake and alert at all times to survive. I did not call anyone or tell anyone every time this happened. The next day when I looked like a sickly teenage boy I did not give a single fuck if my resting bitch face or greasy hair offended someone because there is no way in Hell that anyone would understand the level of exhausted I was on. No, I did not shower this morning and no, make up did not cross my mind when I was debating on even attempting to survive another day of agony. So please, talk shit about the way I look if that makes you feel better about yourself.

When I finally made it to the point where I could spend time with other humans outside of the safety of my own home, it was to forget about what I couldn’t forget. And in order to be in a crowd or loud place, I had to dull my senses. So, I drank a LOT. I took more of the pills that were supposed to “help” and sometimes I was successful at making myself numb to the demons that haunted everything around me. I was trying to drown the memories that refused to leave my head no matter how much I wanted them to. And for that I was criticized. Not by people that wanted to help me or that genuinely gave a shit about me, but by those who would start rumors about how I was always out without my boyfriend that works nights so according to their expert opinion, I must be stepping out on him. Because a woman can’t go anywhere without dicks just slapping her straight in the face right? And how DARE I visit the people I love that lived out of town without him when I should be home cooking and cleaning and suffocating myself. They didn’t bother to ask me how terrifying it was to be home alone every single single night with my thoughts and the fear that now I know for a fucking fact that anything bad could happen to me at any moment because the worst already HAD happened to me. They didn’t see that I was going out of town alone to see these people because now I feel like any opportunity to spend with someone I care about could be the last. Nope, they only saw what they were capable of understanding.

So here I was, dealing with this outrageous guilt, PTSD, depression, and the roller coaster of emotions the side effects of antidepressants, anti anxiety medication, and sleeping pills doctors were shoving down my throat to “help” had on me, and there were actual other human beings that really thought they could even fathom how I felt and pass judgement on me or any of the things I said or did.

Now, if any of these people read these words, they might be able to understand a fraction of what I was going through and would not have felt the need to open their mouth about anything, but the bottom line is:

I should not have to explain myself to people when frankly, it is none of their damn business.

So, if you take anything away from this, keep in mind that you are not equipped to understand what any other person is going through unless you have been through EXACTLY what that person has. So before you harp on a woman that is considering abortion, consider the fact that this woman may not want to be forced to have a child that was conceived via sexual assault. Regardless of your beliefs, you should try to understand her situation before you make the hardest decision of her life even harder. Before you judge a woman that spends her time at a bar instead of at home performing “wifely” duties, understand that this outing might be the alternative to her taking her own life that night and maybe she just needed to blow off some steam. When you start to make fun of someone for gaining weight ask yourself if they are preoccupied with getting through each day without having an emotional breakdown and exercise is just not on their list of priorities at the moment.

If you are someone that has never had to deal with something traumatic, consider yourself extremely lucky, but also make the conscious decision not to be a dick and pretend like you have any idea what the rest of us are going through.

And most importantly

Mind your own damn business.

#blog trauma ptsd judgement worryboutyaself rant

[meisteralready]

Today. I’ve been having a bad day.

Everything was off. I didn’t know I had to work and discovered just an hour and change before so. I wasn’t prepared.

I hadn’t slept well, having a horrible nightmare of some beast- a weird wolf-like insect (I know) - that broke into my bedroom and was trying to literally eat my foot.

I woke up at 4am, shaking, deep heart palpations, terrified. It was so visceral and real. I got up to use the bathroom and I couldn’t figure out where it was. My feet started cramping up and I felt dry and hollow, hot and lightheaded - it felt like a panic attack.

I quickly checked my blood sugar. It was 60. Dangerously low for a diabetic. I stumbled into my kitchen and slammed orange juice. I ate a chicken leg, cashews, random chips. The hunger was ferocious because I was crashing.

This was more dangerous than a bad dream.

Slowly, I rebounded. 72.

5 minutes later, 85.

10 minutes.

Got to about 100.

Finally.

I sat back on the bed gingerly. I was scared to go back to sleep. Afraid I’d crash out again. And I was terrified to possibly return to that nightmare.

Eventually, I drift back to sleep at 6 or so, thinking -thank bejesus!- that I am off today. Wake up later to use the bathroom. And because my circadian rhythm is supremely and unrecognizably out of whack, I have no idea the current time. I check my phone.

At that same exact moment, an email chimes in. It’s my trainer/coordinator, reminding us to be ready, promptly and memorized, for the meeting at 9am.

My phone says it’s 7:45.

I think that this is the first I knew of any of this. Until, I check my email and, nope! I knew of all of this.

I just never put it in my calendar. And if it’s not in there, it doesn’t even exit in my world. But in the real world, I have to be prepped and ready for a in-depth case at in about an hour and some change.

I jolt awake.

For the second time this morning.

A worse nightmare.

This will not be the day I was expecting.

Slam a shower, more food, iced coffee from my refrigerator and it’s 9:30. I zoom into the meeting and it’s ON.

In the meeting, though, I am confused. I am not connecting the dots. Dates and times tumble. Simple things that I have replicated, quite literally, thousands of times, become unwieldy; cumbersome. I look like a complete amateur.

Plus, I am being awkward. Awkward in passes of conversation. Even awkward in the way I am holding my body in front my laptop’s camera. A sudden alien on this earth.

I feel I am short with people. I am not following the case. I’m so very lost. I am asked a fairly direct answer and just…

Nothing comes. And because this is a goddamn zoom meeting, all eyes are literally on me. Just then, my downstairs neighbor is loudly playing some movie - crashes, incoherent rambles and screams. I mute myself for a second and, out of view of the camera, stomp the floor with three large thuds.

I click my mic back on. The volume downstairs deadens, then GOES UP.

In the mock exercise for the event, I just flat-out fail. I mess up facts and am noticeably not memorized. It’s easily seen and my tension is palpable.

Mercifully, the training ends. I am terribly embarrassed.

After a brief de-brief with my higher ups, I explain I’m off at bit, but I will be fine - studied, memorized and 100% coherent - on the day. No worries. It’s next week. Okay, Monday, but next week.

Leave Meeting.

I hear the downstairs door slam close. I guess it was a shit movie. It is finally, relatively, quiet. And I am just kinda frozen-in-place. The laptop shows an empty zoom prompt, but nothing is moving. Not on-screen, in the room, nothing. I just take in the screen, the hum of the nearby refrigerator, and the absolute stillness of me at the table in my living room.

I feel a sadness welling. I feel the urge - a growing need - to cry. It was a bad, bad morning, yet this feeling is now overwhelming me, startles me.

Why now?

I decide food is the answer and will fix something.

I am about to push away and stand up from the computer, from the table. I notice on my iCal the date. February 19th.

It’s February 19th.

12 years ago, today, roughly to this exact time in the morning, I had to make the choice to take my Mom off life support.

Surrounded by her world, and her being mine, she slipped away within minutes. It was an immediate emptiness I have never felt again or since. Dry and hollow.

How could I forget? How could I forget this day? A moment that never leaves the back of my eyes and perhaps defines every day that came after it. The decision in that day that simultaneously affirms and will forever haunts me.

How could I have forgotten this day?

I guess that is what time is supposed to do. Let your psyche trick itself into the monotony of days, of the work that years lay upon you.

But I had never not remembered this day.

I sat back down. And I just cried. Wept, actually.

I miss her so. Mom. I’d do anything to see her at this stage in our lives. She should have been retired and me, with a teenager. I would like to compare parental notes, battle scars.

I wish-upon-wish that she could just sit with Evangeline for a conversation, some iced tea (though Eve hates it), see them split their beloved jellybeans. To hear them laugh with the same easy little hiccup and drawl they both share.

Outside, it started shifting a little snow - some call it “spitting” - just gentle flakes, unhurried, making their way down from their journey way up.

Then, the sun broke through, gleamed over the top of the building next door, and directly into my face.

The snow still fell. Though now, with this little sun, it glistened in its’ little cascades.

I felt my shoulders release and fall. Relief just rushed over me.

Warm.

I had forgotten about the day.

But I had remembered Mom.

[coloredseouls-blog]

[ Retaliation ]

[ Retaliation }

// Chanyeo Fanfiction Series //

© @coloredseouls - joint-collaboration

[ FIVE ] 

The lights were dimmed, the faint trace of shadows hinted with the lingering smell of musk and moist air. It was enough to be suffocating, yet there she stood, her hands trailing at her sides. Her skin began to prickle, the presence of someone becoming very keen on her senses.

And then the room grew with luminescence, a female figure standing before her in the distance. Her feet pulled her, lured her towards the woman, their efforts in sync. She could feel her heart beating faster and faster, body overwhelmed with relief.

And then a gunshot went off.

The woman collapsed.

Crimson red painted the walls and the lights.

She was alone.

-

Xena jolted awake her eyes bulging, sweat coating her body. Her breath was erratic as well as her heartbeat. Hair stuck to her face, along with clothes that clung to her body. Her eyes searched the room for signs of reality, her dream all too real. Her hands covered her face as she glided them down allowing them to fall in her lap. Closing her eyes she allowed her shoulders to drop in relaxation, the horrific dream still vividly replaying in her mind. The sudden opening of her door jolted her nerves again as a light gasp escaped her lips. With a flick of the light switch, the room lit up causing her to wince at the sudden brightness, blinking she slowly tried to adjust. Once adjusted she turned her attention to the intruder of her privacy, there stood a male, his figure tall, skinny, his shoulders broad. His attire was the same as the rest, black dress pants and a black dress shirt. His face held a hard expression, no sign of emotion in them. Xena recognized him immediately, he was introduced to her the other day as Oh Sehun, the hacker.

"Good you're awake."

He chucked some clothes at her soon followed by a towel. The objects landing perfectly in her lap.

"Get dressed. You're wanted in the training room, you'll be needing that towel for later."

Before Xena could ask any questions he shut the door, leaving her in a state of confusion. Why was she wanted in the training room? Then, it suddenly dawned on her... the practice dummy.

"Aish, stupid. Stupid. Stupid." Her hands hit her head as she scolded herself. She knew she shouldn't have touched their things, especially destroying one of their pieces of equipment. Releasing a long sigh she gathered the clothes in her lap examining them, a sports bra and yoga pants, her eyebrows furrowed at the choice of clothing. If she was only meeting them in the training room to possibly be scolded, why on earth did she have to wear such lack of clothing? Biting the bullet she decided to wear the clothes without putting up a fuss, she swung the sheets off her body as her legs dangled the side of the bed.

"Today is gonna be exciting." She mumbled sarcastically.

-

Her head felt like a rain cloud, heavy and dense with words and thoughts. A weight loomed over her, terrified of what their leader's reaction was going to be.

Why did she have to destroy that practice dummy?

Yet, why did it make a difference?

Why was it significant?

Why did it bother her so much as to what the thought?

Because she was one of them now?

Or because her father was their overseeing leader and had been killed for a reason they had yet to figure out.

Why was she even here?

All the other questions that ran through her mind, she didn't have an answer to.

However, she knew the reason for this one.

Shivers flew down her spine as she stepped into the training room, the atmosphere tenser than before. The room full of light, weapons on full display with a wall with older weaponry, the sword she used the night before back in place. The sound of her feet on the cool marble floor echoed shortly before she heard a voice speak up loud and clear,

"Good, you're here." The leader greeted her with a warming smile making her feel some sort of comfort, in return, she smiled softly.

"Front and center." His smile dropped just as quickly as Xena's comfort did.

The males formed a circle around what she assumed to be the mangled up dummy, their backs faced the dummy while all eyes watched her intensely. Xena didn't dare to move a muscle, fear slowly starting to consume her body once more.

"Now!"

The sudden shout from the man sent a volt through her body causing her to flinch, her feet never walked so quickly a day in her life, she never had a reason to walk fast, but something about him told her that he was not a man to play with nor was he a man of patience.

"Good. Now, as you've already taken notice to, we've seen you're little act. Now, I want you to perform it live," Junmyeon spoke, pausing as he searched Xena's eyes.

"But on Jongdae." A smirk appeared on his lips as the name he called stepped forward, eyeing Xena blankly.

"You want me to what?" She questioned, stepping forward and tilting her head to the side.

"You heard me. Don't second guess my statements, what I say goes."

"What are you? Scared?" Sehun questioned, raising his eyebrow at the female.

"No. I just didn't expect for one of your precious members to be my test dummy."

"Well, he is. Now, this is a hand-to-hand combat test. The floor is yours." He spoke, the rest of the men taking steps back as a luminescence ring grew vibrant around Xena and Jongdae, getting into fighting position.

"Good luck." He spoke to her and she nodded, taking a deep breath. He started towards her, his leg launched and headed straight for her torso. She blocked it, grabbing his leg and twisting it, forcing him to spin mid-air before he landed, softly on his feet.

Fist headed for her face, her arms crossed and blocked the impact, pushing Jongdae back before landing a soft blow in the stomach. Sweat began to draw on their foreheads, effort evident.

Soon, he came at her once more, his hand aiming for her neck, looking to knock her out. However, before he could make contact, she grabbed his arm, twisting it behind his back before forcing him to the ground with her knee, one hand coming to rest softly on the pressure point in his neck as she straddled him.

"Easy there Princess, I'm done. You got that one."

She paused, processing the words before shoving him on the ground, his face hitting the cool floor with a loud oof.

"Hmm. I'm impressed. No one has ever taken down Jongdae on the first try." Xiumin announced, looking towards his leader.

"Myself as well. But, not impressed enough."

"Well, what the fuck do you want me to do? Go out and skin a man alive and come back with a million dollars?"

"Close. If you take down Xiumin here, not only will I never ask you to do this again, but I believe we'll both owe each other an explanation."

"I don't owe anyone anything."

"Well, as of right now, under my command you owe Xiumin an ass-whooping. So go on."

Xiumin stepped into the circle, the ring glowing more intense than it had before. Immediately charging at her, shoving her back, her body bending and landing on her feet. She quickly launched her leg at his body, shin connecting with his throat. However, he easily grabbed her leg, twisting her body before she landed on her back, the tile dulling the ache.

"Ohh. Looks like someone's about to lose." She heard the man from earlier say, a smirk evident on his lips.

Angered by this, she rose to her feet, his fist close to contact with her face. With quick reflexes, she shoved the hand back to his face, the sound of contact loud. Hands gripping his arm, she twisted it up, her knee coming to hit his lower region before her body moved over his to where her rear sat over his head, pulling his arm up. A cracking sound echoed the room once more before she slid back and hit him on the head, his body dropping to the ground instantly.

"That's enough." Jumyeon spoke, another man instantly running over to Xiumin lying on the floor.

"I'm fine Lay, just a few bruises." He said as he allowed the man to help him up, looking Xena in the eye.

"Looks like you owe her that explanation Myeon." He smiled softly before the man called Lay escorted him out the now tension-filled room.

She turned to Baekhyun, who tossed her the well-needed towel, his face displaying shock.

"Where did you learn to fight like that?" He questioned, placing his hand on her shoulder. She quickly shoved it off, turning towards Junmyeon.

"Explanation. Now."

"Well, Baekhyun took the words from my mouth. What I wanted to ask you was where you learned how to fight like that?"

"My father made me take some self-defense classes as a child before he taught me other methods. I combined them as I got older. Oh, and apparently I inherited some skills from my well-known mother." She spoke, rolling her eyes at the next part.

"That's good to know. As the second part of my explanation would be the fact that you are to be continuing your training after lunch. Once that is finished, after we complete dinner, I will share with you your expectations here as well as what your father left for you to know."

"Woah. Let's get this straight. I didn't ask to come here. You can't force me to do any shit that I don't want to do just because my father or my parents were some kick-ass machines. I'm not them."

"Well from the looks of it, you're skills are to par with theirs."

"And most importantly you're their child. You may have been sheltered and secluded as a child, but this is the real world. The world both your parents were apart of, and it does not welcome you with open arms." Junmyeon spoke, coming to close proximity to her face.

"Who the hell said I wanted a welcome?" Xena shoved him away, walking off towards her room.

"Xena!" Chanyeol yelled, trailing behind her.  

He looked to Junmyeon, who nodded him off, his feet quickly picking up a pace.

He called out her name again, the sound of the shower room door closing with a hard slam.

"Xena. You can't keep running away from your problems." He spoke through the door, his arm serving as a rest for his head.

"Who said I was running? I was simply "following orders". Wouldn't want to show up to lunch smelling like raw onions." The shower cut off, the door opening shortly as Xena stepped out, her body wrapped in a towel. Chanyeol eyed her before stepping aside, continuing his action as he watched her stepped into her room.

Once inside, she sunk against the door, her body finally coming in tune with her emotions.

Boy, had her life changed.

#kpop #kpop scenarios #kpop fanfiction #kpop imagines #exo #exo k #exo m #exo l #Park Chanyeol #chanyeol #chanyeol imagine #hitman #hitman scenario #EXO mafia

[mskinkyafro]

This Moment On (Liam x MC)

A/N: So I was planning to post this before the latest chapter was released but I was hit with constant writer’s block with this fic so I’m so glad that I finished it but sad it won’t be uploaded before the ch. I love the stolen moments we get with our King and I like others was expecting a proposal so I decided to throw in one. A proposal to be dedicated to one another once everything was solved. Plus I’m posting a picture that I made envisioning my MC’s promise ring. Hope you enjoy!

Summary: An extension of the time spent in Shanghai with the two lovebirds Justice and Calvin. A secret rendezvous that’s is even more special than previous ones.

Rating: PG-13 ( A few innuendos are tossed in)

Word Count: 1,976

 Riding back to the hotel in the limo Justice let the window roll down, enjoying the crisp cool air Shanghai offered. Even the chilly temperature from the wind couldn’t distract the warm sensations that are flooding through her body. She can still feel the way Calvin’s hands traced her sensitive skin, the way his lips grazed her neck, his pupils dilated and his arousal evident. Slowly closing her eyes to immerse herself in the memory. Not soon after she’s interrupted by a voice.

“Pardon me Lady Olivera, but we’ve arrived.” 

Jolting forward with a slight blush painted on her cheeks. 

“Oh of course! Ahem… Thank you. Have a good night.”

Exiting the vehicle she enters the hotel and heads straight to her room. Entering her room she notices Hana and after talking for a bit decides to get ready for bed. She reluctantly heads to shower not wanting to rid herself of Calvin’s scent. As the warm water cascades down her body, she loses herself once more to what transpired earlier that evening. She can still hear his baritone voice speaking those wonderful words he said earlier.

You astonish me.”

Replaying his voice in her head makes her heart flutter. 

“You are the most loyal and tenacious woman I know.”

Justice knew she fell for the King a long ago, but tonight feeling his intense gaze bore not just into her own eyes but her soul confirmed any seeds of doubt that had sprouted during the last couple weeks. Seeing the admiration and love that was reserved for her and only her it was everything she needed to know that this was real and one of a kind type of love. The love you’d read in fairy tales and fiction. The type you’d see in movies and hear from generations of myths but never expect to experience in life. 

As the steam of her shower fills the bathroom and fogs the doors and the mirror she shuts off the shower and exits to sit on her bed as she tries to untangle the knots in her curly kinky hair. Sitting there and reminiscing about this adventure she knows she made the right decision by boarding that plane so long ago. Rising to get dressed she hears a knock. As a habit, she reaches for something to throw. But looking at the door she sees a note slip under the crack of the door.  Dressed in her PJs now she first opens the door and cranes her neck down the hallway seeing no one in sight. Closing it back she opens the note and immediately recognizes Calvin’s handwriting.

I know that our departure is the first thing in the morning but meet me at the lake at the break of dawn. - Calvin

Smiling to herself because of his sweet gesture. Before laying down she quickly texts Maxwell to arrange a limo to pick her up around 5:00 a.m. Content with everything being handled she fell asleep thinking of her beloved.

 Awaking to the beeping noise that fills her bedroom, Justice shuts off her alarm and despite being annoyed to be awoken so early, it quickly leaves as she remembers she’s going to be spending more time with Calvin.  She quickly jumps out of the bed and heads to change into her outfit. Since it’s early and cold out still she decided on a burgundy off the shoulder sweater and dark washed jeans that fit her perfectly with knee-high black heeled boots and a long white trench coat. 

After applying a decent amount of makeup, fluffing out her curls, and examining herself in the mirror she turns to gather her phone. Content with her look she leaves her room and puts on sunglasses and exits the hotel from the back entrance in case someone is also up as an early bird. Waiting for her is the limo and once inside she gives the driver directions to the same location she was the day before.

Once she arrived she leaves the vehicle and walks around a bit before notice and tall shadow under a beautiful tree. Grinning she walks towards him and throws her arms around his neck. Before she rises to whisper into his ear, she experiences a deja vu of her body being pressed against a tree with her arm contorted behind her back. Always one to make light of a situation Justice says.

“I forgot, stealth and you don’t mix well. Even though my arm is starting to numb I wouldn’t be in this position again under different circumstances. Preferably one without clothes.”

Realizing his mistake he quickly lets her go and apologizes profusely, a red blush spread across his neck and face.

“My apologies Justice. As you know I’m always on alert especially when I’m “alone” in case of someone where to try something.”

“It’s okay I should’ve learned the first time from the races but like I’ve mentioned before maybe I just like having you pinning me down.” she says while throwing a seductive wink his way.

Amused and feeling a rush of warm sensations flooding to his lower half he shakes his head. Playing along he moves to wrap his arms around her waist and dropping his voice deeper knowing the effects it has on her.

“I’ll make sure to keep that in mind. Anything for my Queen,” he whispers into her ear.

It takes everything in Justice’s body not to visibly shiver. Not able to contain herself much longer she leans up to kiss Calvin. Surprised by the sudden movement but welcomed to it he deepens the kiss. Pressing her closer to him as if he was trying to meld her to his own body, there tongues moving in sync. Finally coming up for air Justice speaks as Calvin focuses his attention on her neck. Leaving delicate kisses and inhaling her scent of honeysuckle and lavender.

“Not that I’m enjoying this but what brings on this impromptu early morning rendezvous.”

Lifting his head to look her in her eyes.

“You’re right I was hoping you come with me to watch the sunrise at our next location we won’t have as many opportunities alone.”

He moves to reach for a picnic basket and a blanket. He then sets it up next to tree and gestures for him to sit. Justice courtesy in a playful manner and sits. From their position they can see the beautiful waterfront they rode on less than twenty-four hours ago. Calvin sits next to her and hands her a thermos. She graciously accepts it and sips from it enjoying that it’s her favorite brew of coffee.

“Mmmm just the way I like it.”

Smiling Calvin pulls out a container full of warm cronuts. “I thought you’d enjoy these too.”

Looking at the cronuts her face breaks into a bright smile.

“My favorite coffee and my favorite treat. What’s the occasion?” Turning to face her he holds her hands into his.

“Everything up to this point of my life hasn’t prepared me for this. I always assumed to take the same paths as other royals. We walk with an air of prestige, we lead, sleep and repeat. The simple pleasures of life were lost to me. I never expected them nor wanted them, until I met you that night. That night I knew that this woman beside me who took me to the Statue of Liberty was something special. I never knew what it felt to have someone put me first and to love me, Calvin. Not the Prince of Cordonia but me, the real me.”

Touched by his words so far Justice places her hand on his cheek and tries to speak

“Calvin…”

“Please. Let me finish.”

She nods. He gently places her hand back into his.

“I was pleasantly surprised to see you join the competition and proud to see you succeed and charm everyone who was honored to cross paths with you. Slowly as our time together grew I knew I’d fallen and fallen hard. The night of my coronation should have been a victorious night for both of us and I’m sorry it wasn’t. That moment to see you taken away from me I knew I’d do whatever it takes to get you back. I was given a glimpse of true happiness and I refused to let that slip away from me. I always put Cordonia first before me and for the first time, I didn’t have to because I knew and still believe you’re everything Cordonia needs and what I need. 

Like I said yesterday sometimes, when I find myself up against a particularly challenging decision as King, I stop to consider to consider...Which choice makes me worthy of Justice? I look to you for strength. I look to you for the courage to choose the right path, even when it is the more difficult one. That is also why I know that you are the only one for me. I can’t imagine life without you by my side, to inspire me and challenge me. To make me a better man.”

He then re-positions himself to bending on one knee and reaching into his pocket and pulling out a little black box. Opening it to reveal a beautiful diamond three stone setting ring with pearls on both sides.

“I was planning on giving you this last night but it wasn’t ready yet.”

Shocked, Justice sits frozen with her mouth agape.

“I love you, Justice Kennedy Olivera. This ring is a promise that from this moment to eternity I will love you and always be there for you. That you’ll still have me… and a country.” he says with a nervous laugh close behind his once stable voice.

Tears build into her hazel eyes and she quickly blinks them away. Her smile radiating from pure elatedness.

Feeling a little mischievous she stands up and faux thinks.“Hmmm, let’s see, a whole country plus a handsome King?”

 She looks down to Calvin, his eyes gazing back at her. Smiling so hard that she feels as if her face my break she suddenly crashes into him making him fall onto his back.

“Yes! A million times yes!”

She quickly presses a kiss to his lips.He chuckles and while still sprawled out lifts up slightly to place the ring on her left finger.

“Other than holding a special symbolism of our time on the tour, do you know what pearls represent?”

“No, but I’m dying to know.”

“Pearls symbolize wisdom, loyalty, and dedication. All of these qualities are found in you. Other than your sense of humor, charm, and beauty I fell in love with these characteristics. With these alone, it’s more assurance you’re what Cordonia needs as a Queen.”

 Kissing him tenderly once more Justice then pulls away and says “You don’t have to sweet talk. I already said yes.”

Smiling brightly as to have never felt so happy before quickly moves and picks up Justice swinging her around.

“I can’t help myself. I’m a King in love with an amazing woman.”

Her laughter fills the air around them and then she’s put back down. She turns to press her back into Calvin and moves to wrap his arms around her again and they watch the sun rise fully.

“Thank you for sharing this with me, Calvin. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for allowing me to have an adventure of a lifetime.”

He places a delicate kiss atop of her head as they watch the beautiful colors swarm the sky. She pulls his arms tighter and breathes out a content sigh and relishes for the time being.They both understood that this moment is for all the star-crossed lovers like them. They made it through because they had one another and hope.

#king liam #liam x mc #liam fanfic #trr book 2 #the royal romance #choices the stories you play

[movedtosalamoonder]

Edge of a Knife ~ An SI5 Fanfic [ch. 2]

Jacobi may be an idiot, but Kepler’s even more of an idiot. Plus: snuggling with Maxwell, nearly turning into the wrong exit, Cupcake Wars, and really bad ideas.

Wordcount: 1.8k

Genre: Angst, slowburn,prequel/origin story

Warnings: Brief mention of sickness, unhealthy relationship

A/N: Thank you to Niamh and Ellie for proofreading this chapter!

Prologue | Chapter One | Chapter Three || Read it on AO3 || || Masterpost ||

Jacobi hates sleeping in the car. He hates trying to position his head comfortably against the door, hates leaning it on the seatbelt and then being jolted awake at every stoplight as it slides out from under him, hates trying to use his arm as a pillow and getting pins and needles. He hates giving up and resting his head, more upright, against the window, and then feeling as though his teeth are being shaken out of his head when the car starts vibrating.

Lana’s asleep on his shoulder, blissfully unaware of his suffering. She curls into herself, lets out a soft sound like a purr and tightens her grip on his tee shirt. This makes it increasingly difficult to find another position to sleep in.

He tries resting his head on hers but the angle is awkward and he can tell that if he stays like this for twenty seconds he’s just going to get neck cramps. He can’t take  it anymore.

“Colonel,” he whispers, trying not to wake up Maxwell. Silence. He blinks a little, trying to keep his eyes open, watches the lights of the traffic beside them.

“Kepler,” he hisses a little louder.

There’s a very deliberate pause, and then:

“What was that, Mr. Jacobi? I didn’t quite hear you.”

Jacobi swallows a frustrated sigh. “I’m trying not to wake up Maxwell.”

“Did you say something?”

Jacobi grits his teeth and speaks as loud as he thinks is reasonable without risking waking her. “Sir, I would greatly appreciate it if we could stop at a hotel for the night.”

There’s a longer pause. Jacobi’s sure Kepler heard him. He’s just making him wait. He suppresses the impulse to repeat himself.

Finally Kepler says, “I suppose we could do that.”

“Thank you, sir.”

There’s an even longer, more uncomfortable pause, and Jacobi realizes that now he’s revealed he’s awake, he’ll probably be expected to make conversation.

He doesn’t feel like conversation, though.

“Kepler, why are you like this today?”

“Like what, Mr. Jacobi?” Immediate. Pleasantly curious, but not overly so.

“Like-like-” Jacobi grunts in frustration. “You know, you’re such a. You’re such a child sometimes, Colonel.”

He’s not sure if he’s offended Kepler (maybe even hurt?) or just made the next week of his own life ten times more difficult. Either way, he wishes he had bit his tongue, kept quiet.

“In...what way...am I a child, Mr. Jacobi?”

He doesn’t want to speak again. He’s only going to dig himself deeper into a hole.

Perhaps Kepler can sense his reluctance, because he turns briefly from the road to look at him. “You’ve started this, Daniel. Don’t think you get to leave it unfinished.”

“Sir-” Jacobi starts, and then stops. “I only meant-”

“No, don’t ‘I only meant’ me. You have something to say? Say it. Spit. It. Out.”

Jacobi bites his lip a minute longer. Kepler’s still looking at him; Jacobi can see the red glare of the dashboard reflected in his eyes. He’s still struggling to find the first word, to start himself off...diplomatically. Then he yelps, jolts forward-“KEPLER-the exit!”

Kepler swears softly, swerves the car into the exit so hard that Jacobi slams against the window in a maneuver that Jacobi is nearly certain is illegal. Someone behind them honks.

Maxwell mumbles something that sounds like “unclosed brackets” and resnuggles against Jacobi’s chest.

“As I was saying,” Jacobi continues, trying to regain his breath, “you’re kind of a child, sir, because you do things like that. Because the dramatic effect of glaring into my eyes is more important than watching the road.”

He feels his face go hot, but he’s glad he said it. Kepler doesn’t take as long to respond this time.

“I...see your point.”

Silence for another few seconds. They’re in a small town, glittering with McDonald’s and gas stations and uncrowded stoplights. Jacobi spots the hotel a little ways off to the right, in the distance. They’re on a bit of a hill, and so everything lays itself out neatly in front of him.

It’s kind of beautiful.

“But...I have to ask,” says Kepler, and Jacobi feels himself tense again, “what happened, today, that you would classify as...childish behavior?”

Jacobi blurts out, “Do you have to stick your nose into everyone’s business?”

Kepler clears his throat. If anyone can clear their throat in confusion, that’s what Kepler was doing. He seems actually taken aback. “I’m...sorry?”

“Maxwell. Could you just. Maybe please. Leave her alone and not do the whole...fucking….you know, passive aggressive thing.” He’s pushing his luck, he’s pushing his luck, he’s pushing his luck so hard...

“Ah.”

They’re turning into the hotel parking lot. Maxwell had stirred at the mention of her name; Jacobi runs a hand through her hair in an effort to get her to go back to sleep. She’ll wake up in a second anyway, but he wants to finish this conversation without her.

“You know...Mr. Jacobi…”

“Yes, sir?”

He’s lost whatever courage he had. Now he’s just hoping Maxwell doesn’t wake up until he moves. Kepler pulls into a spot, throws an arm over the back of the passenger seat and turns so he can straighten out the car properly.

“I only want what’s best. For you and Alana.”

“I...understand, sir.”

“Be sure that you do.” There’s a slight emphasis on ‘sure’, not enough to mention, but enough to make Jacobi think. Kepler seems to want to leave things where they are. Jacobi’s still indignant on Maxwell’s behalf. He wants answers. He wants actual, real meaningful talk, he wants Kepler to stop being so….coy.

But he’s tired, and hungry, and his neck is beginning to cramp again and Alana’s not going to stay asleep much longer if they start arguing. He huffs a breath out, resigning himself. It can wait. Much as he’d rather it not.

Something big is about to happen. He can feel it. The air’s been thick with change since they left Canaveral.

“Maxwell, wake up,” he mutters.

“Five more minutes,” she mumbles into his shoulder.

“In a second. C’mon. We’re getting out of the car.”

“Hm- what?”

“Wake up,” he repeats, and glances up long enough to roll his eyes at Kepler. Kepler doesn’t say anything, but even in the dim light Jacobi can see his face break into a half smile. It’s a moment. Jacobi doesn’t know of what, but it’s certainly a moment.

“Okay, fine, getting up…” Maxwell runs a hand through her hair, blinks, realizes where she is. “Oh. You got him to stop?”

“I...decided to stop, Doctor Maxwell,” says Kepler, at the same time that Jacobi says, “Yeah, you proud of me, Lana?”

The hotel clerk looks bored and tired and thoroughly unimpressed with Kepler’s threats when he’s told that the only available rooms have either two or one beds. Jacobi’s examining the grungy corkboard of local businesses on the wall and not really paying attention. Maxwell starts to brush a strand of hair out of her face with her shoulder, decides it isn’t work it, and dumps the suitcases she’s holding on the ground with a dull thump. “Just get two rooms?” she asks sleepily.

“Can’t,” says Kepler, through clenched teeth. “Mr. Cutter has me on a budget.”

Maxwell raises an eyebrow. “Okay then. Just get the one with two beds, Colonel, honestly, we don’t care.”

“What do we not care about?” Jacobi asks.

“Nothing. We’re sharing a bed.”

“Oh. Okay.”

The clerk’s already handing Kepler a set of keys, taking Maxwell’s comment as confirmation. Kepler growls under his breath but takes the keys.

They’re halfway up the stairs when Jacobi says, “Wait, ALL of us?”

“No, stupid. Two beds. You and I are sharing.”

Kepler and Jacobi glance at each other almost involuntarily. It was the obvious choice, after all. But the glance made it awkward.

The room smells like cigarette smoke and stale food and the walls are painted a sickly, unnecessarily textured shade of green, but there are clean towels in the bathroom and mints on the pillows. A note with the wifi password is taped to the nightstand, next to the remote. Jacobi doubts they’ll get more than maybe twenty channels, but he can think of worse places to spend the night.

Like that hedge outside one of Goddard’s competitor’s office in the pouring rain. Kneeling in the cold mud for hours playing rock paper scissors with Maxwell, feeling the support beams shift across his shoulders, not looking at Kepler. The stupid support beams. Ugh. He still remembers the way it felt, walking away, rain plastering his hair to his forehead and the scent of explosions thick even beneath the rain, like lightning.  He remembers the raw quiet power he felt the following morning when Kepler tossed a newspaper from the gas station they’d stopped at into his lap, mumbling “Page four,” as the car started. GAS LEAK CAUSES EXPLOSION AT LOCAL BUSINESS, the article reads.

He feels like a god. As long as he stays at Goddard he can do anything. Anything. Cutter has more power than the average human can even dream of, and because Cutter has power and likes Jacobi, Jacobi has gained more power than the average human can ever dream of.

He can do anything.

Jacobi had shifted his left shoulder like he always does as Kepler turned to back out, his right hand too close to Jacobi’s skin.

Almost anything.

Everything’s quiet now. Lana’s fallen asleep on top of the sheets, still in her street clothes. Kepler’s in the shower. Jacobi turns on the tv, scrolls the volume way down and searches for something to distract himself with. He settles on a late rerun of Cupcake Wars and decides to get changed quickly before Kepler comes back.

But Cupcake Wars has turned into Chopped and Jacobi’s already successfully maneuvered Maxwell under the duvet without waking her up before he realizes that Kepler has been in the shower for a borderline ridiculous amount of time.

With a mental shrug he turns the tv off. It’ll probably be easier to fall asleep without Kepler in the room anyway. Jacobi climbs carefully in next to Maxwell, fumbles for the lamp switch, and closes his eyes.

The hotel room is bigger than his bedroom. It’s also darker. He still has his eyes closed but he can feel it; feel the space around him swallowing him and Maxwell. He rolls over so he can rest his forehead between her shoulder blades. The sheets smell like sand and Maxwell’s generic drugstore shampoo, something citric and sweet.

There’s coughing coming from the bathroom then, muffled by the crook of an elbow or a towel or something. Harsh, strangled coughing, the kind that happens when you’ve been coughing for days and try to hold it back but can’t. It goes on for about a minute and then stops.

He’s intensely awake now.

Chapter Three

#wolf 359 #daniel jacobi #alana maxwell #warren kepler #si-5 #kepcobi #the wonder twins #tw: unhealthy relationship #tw: sickness #podcasts #masq does a thing

[haileys-slave-blog]

CHAPTER 3

After the “well done” mail I received, there was no more contact. I waited online in accordance with mistress’s instructions, but I waited alone. My time online, alone, staring at the screen, was the only happiness I had. Just to feel that Mistress Hailey has such control over me gave me the satisfaction of knowing that I had improved so much. As I stared at the empty screen the time raced by as my thoughts we occupied by how lucky I was to have an owner who developed me so much in such a short time. Mistress Hailey gave my life a value beyond what I thought was possible. The day of Mistress Hailey and her partner’s arrival came and went. I knew that I should be satisfied just to know that I have been used, but I couldn’t help wanting more. I felt selfish, greedy and ashamed to want more, but I couldn’t bury these feelings, and I understood how much more I had to learn. As these days passed I appreciated more and more the wisdom of my mistress for such a clear but effortlessly delivered lesson in humility and self awareness. Even in her absence I was learning. My mistress’s stay in London was coming to and end, and I felt proud to have shown my understanding and gratitude with my silent patience. I went online as usual, opened my browser and then I froze, I was stunned to see a message from my mistress. I had no time to hope and dream, I just opened it and devoured each word. The brief note said only that I should report to her hotel room with a pair of boots as a birthday gift for her partner. I was told the size and told that her partner would wear them to her birthday dinner on the next night. But it was the last line that I had to read over and over again. If my gift is satisfactory, I might receive a reward. I stayed awake for the next 3 hours, researching shops and boots, trying to narrow down my search so that I could shop efficiently. I woke at 7am in front of my computer, after maybe 5 hours sleep. I calmed myself, I focused, I had enough time and I was prepared. I showered, shaved my body, and dressed in understated jeans and plain shirt. I printed out the map of shops that I planned today visit and I headed to central London. I visited all the shops to view the shortlist of boots in person. After 2 hours, I sat in a cafe and reviewed my notes. I felt the importance of getting this task right weigh heavily on me, this was pressure like I had never experienced before, my Mistress was testing me and I was desperate to pass. After 30 mins, I settled on black, leather, knee high Tom Ford boots with 3 inch stiletto heels. I returned to the shop, examined them once more, then paid and asked for them to be wrapped. I was happy with my choice, I felt ready. I arrived at the hotel 30 mins early and waited in the lobby. As I waited I could only think about what I had achieved with the help of my mistress. I had demonstrated such weaknesses and yielded so much control to my mistress that she was confident enough to meet me. All my months of work felt rewarded to know that my mistress felt no risk to meet me, I had convinced her that she had total power over me and now I had the chance to show that I will improve with further training. It was time. I went to the elevator and went to the top floor. I walked down the long corridor and reached the door of the suite. I knocked twice and waited. After 30 seconds the door opened a little, I waited still. I heard the command to enter, I obeyed and closed the door behind me. I could only see a small part of the room from the door, but to be this close to perfection made my heart pound. I was jolted to hear my mistress’ voice for real, it took me a second to digest the order to undress and present my gift. I neatly folded my clothes and placed them by door, wanting to minimise my presence in my goddess’s domain. I walked into the lounge, there was nobody. I proceeded to the bedroom looking down to show my respect. I kneeled at the end of the bed holding up the gift. I waited like that for a few minutes and heard some soft giggling and kissing. I was thankful that my chastity cage controlled my desires. I was ordered to look up and offer my gift. I looked up and what I saw made me speechless. My mistress and her partner were both wearing white underwear, there bodies intertwined as they appreciated each other’s beauty with their eyes and hands. My silence was noticed and I was aggressively remind to speak by my mistress. I stuttered a little before I finally got my words out. I thanked my mistress for all her kindness and generosity, and thanked her for choosing to use me for this visit. Finally, I thanked her for being allowed to offer a gift and begged her partner to accept. My mistress’s partner giggled then kissed my goddess, she looked at Mistress Hailey and excitedly told her that she couldn’t believe it was true, she could believe I was trained to be so pathetic. She ended her exclamation by saying that she can’t believe that I belong to them. My mistress smiled and told her it’s their entitlement. My mistress asked her partner if she wanted her gift and she sat up and told me to show her. I crawled to the side of the bed and opened the box. I held up a boot for inspection. She looked at it, then held her legs out. I gently but them on being careful not to touch her skin. She stood up and walked around the room, she paraded her beauty in white lingerie and leather boots for my mistress while I looked at the floor. She excitedly said how much she loved them, she jumped on the bed and showered Mistress Hailey with kisses and thanked her for such a nice gift. Mistress Hailey’s generosity made my heart melt, her I could see how she enjoyed seeing her partner be treated to gifts and a holiday, she gave so much to so many, including me, I deserved nothing yet she kept giving.  They kissed some more, until I heard my mistress say that I had earned my reward. I felt a wave of relief rush through me, all my effort had been worth it. Mistress Hailey smiled at her partner and told her to see just how inferior I considered my self to be. She turned to me and told me that I could have any reward I wished for. I immediately saw my opportunity, this was my chance to prove that I can become a better slave, I was desperate trot my Mistress to see my potential, and I responded by begging her to reward me by helping me become a better slave. Her partner laughed out loud to hear how my greatest wish was so sad to her, I felt proud that she saw how well I have been trained, i was proud to show her the power of the goddess that was her partner. Mistress Hailey smiled slightly as she called me a bit greedy, I felt shame to have asked for so much, I berated myself for expressing my desire above my queen’s. Mistress Hailey looked at me and contemplated, finally she agreed to my request because it would help me see how my desires are not on the path to paradise. I listened and fell more deeply in love, Mistress Hailey would waste a little time on this lesson to save so much time in the future. I kissed the floor and thanked her, i had never dreamed that I would be cared for like this, I felt ashamed that I had so little to give in return for so much. Mistress Hailey told me to kneel and open my legs. I obeyed. My mistress looked at her partner and told her to show me how suffering for her pleasure deepens a slave’s satisfaction. Mistress Hailey looked at her parter and told her to give me this glimpse of paradise. My mistress then turned to me and looked into my eyes and spoke firmly, telling me that the more I suffer the more content I will feel as I am used. I was determined not to waste this chance, I was determined to show my mistress that I value this lesson. My mistress’s partner stood above  me, I looked at the boots she was given, and looked up at her curvy body in white panties and bra, it felt so natural to feel so inferior to the lover of my Mistress, i looked at her and felt good that my mistress enjoys such beauty, such beauty was not for me, slavery and suffering was all I desired. My mistress’s partner looked down at me and asked me if I had forgotten my manners, I apologized and begged her to let me suffer, I begged and pleaded until my mistress told me to shut up. Immediately, I felt a bolt of pain as the leather boot smashed into my balls. The pain was unlike anything I had felt before, everything in this life towered over the experiences of my previous life. This pain was another reminder of how rich the life of a slave is. More and more kicks hit my balls, I tried to keep my legs open so than my balls hung down and were easier to kick, the constant pain made me cry, but i stayed on my knees, desperate to show how much I will suffer to please my queen. She didn’t tire and kept kicking, after about 20 kicks I started to weaken, she saw this and tried harder, kicking me as I gradually collapsed on the floor. I was a sobbing heap on the floor, pathetic and weak, while my Mistress and her partner look down at me with pity. I pulled myself together and got to my knees, I was determined not to show disrespect, I crawled to her and kissed her boots and thanked her. I kneeled on the floor, crying, a total wreck. My queen came and stood above me, she bent down to stroke my hair, she told me that I did well and although I couldn’t show it, I was so pleased to hear her words. She told me to stay still and enjoy the bliss of being used. She put her phone in my hand and told me to type in the codes to my bank cards. When I finished she told me to dress and go, and leave my cards behind. I obeyed and slowly walked out, hearing my mistress and her partner discussing their plans. I was about to be used to give my mistress and her partner a good night out, and I felt that I had earned the satisfaction I felt. As walked out and closed the door, I heard one last command, I was to send an email in the morning explaining my feelings about this lesson.

[noona-la-la-la]

The Fitting (Part 12)

(You respond to Jungkook’s request that you start dating for real.)

WARNINGS: 8500 words of angst.  That is all.

The message notification on your phone jolted you awake and nearly caused you to fall out of bed.  You were lying right at the edge of the mattress with Jungkook’s body pressed tightly against your back.  When you first fell asleep, you were both lying in the center of the large bed, but as the night wore on, you would roll an inch away from him to sleep more comfortably and give yourself some breathing room.  Although he was sound asleep, Jungkook somehow sensed your movement away from him and his body would immediately close the gap between the two of you until, eventually, there was no more room left to move.

Carefully, you slipped out of bed, grabbed your phone, and headed towards the bathroom.  As expected, the text message was from your cousin checking up on your date last night.

10:17am (Seulji)  How did it go?  Was it fun?  Did you fall in love with him yet?

10:20am (You)  It went fine, he’s a fun guy but it’s just not the right time for me.

10:21am (Seulji) What?  Why?  I need details.

Details.  You wondered if he would tell your cousin about the fact that you were seeing someone else or if he would just let it go.  You didn’t even want to think about the conversation you would have to have with Seulji once she found out that you had another man all along.

10:23am (You) I have to jump in the shower right now.  I’ll talk to you about it later.

You set the phone, face down, on the counter and could hear two more messages come through but you didn’t bother looking.  Instead you turned on the water extra hot and stepped into the steaming shower, hoping to wash off your lingering guilt.

Lately, it felt like you were losing control over your life.  Ever since that day you found your fiancé cheating on you, nothing you did was a conscious choice.  Rather than make thoughtful plans to get what you wanted, you were making rash decisions and then trying to figure out how to live with the consequences.  Your decision to move to Seoul certainly wasn’t well thought out; you just ran away from New York and went as far away as you could get.  Taking the job as a stylist was just a way to get paid; your conversation with John during your date last night reminded you of how you used to have different dreams for yourself.  You weren’t even sure when was the last time you bothered to think about what it was that you really wanted.

And then there was Jungkook; your whole relationship with him started impulsively.  At a time in your life when you felt your most unattractive, he made you feel sexy and desirable.  You never should have started things with him in the first place, he was young and inexperienced… and more than anything, he was your job.  You tried to convince yourself that you were coworkers, peers at your company, but it wasn’t true.  Jungkook and the other boys were the sole reason you even had a job in the first place; if anything happened to one of them, then there would be no need for you.  Starting this so-called relationship with Jungkook immediately put your employment at risk because he was necessary and you were disposable.  You were a fool to give in to your lust, but once you crossed that line, it felt too good to stop.  You had deluded yourself into thinking that you and Jungkook could keep it casual, sex only, no emotions – but that had proven to be impossible.  Now you were being forced to make a decision about where this relationship was going to go, and the truth was you still weren’t sure what you wanted.

You stepped out of the shower and wrapped your hair in a towel, slipped on your robe and picked up your phone.  There were three more texts from Seulji, but you didn’t bother reading them.  You knew what she wanted and you weren’t prepared to have that conversation with her right now.

You wandered into the kitchen and stuck your head in the refrigerator to see what you might want for breakfast.  In truth, you weren’t hungry.  You were never hungry when you were stressed out and last night definitely caused you stress.  You had felt so guilty for staying out late when you knew Jungkook was home waiting for you.  You had felt scared when you thought Jungkook was going to leave you completely.  That feeling had caught you by surprise and you wondered if you weren’t more emotionally invested in this relationship than you realized.  That’s why you agreed to try dating and see what happens.  It made you nervous to think about going out on an actual date. While you and Jungkook were obviously sexually compatible, that didn’t mean anything when it came to building a real relationship.

“Good morning.” Jungkook stumbled into the kitchen, still groggy with sleep, dressed in his boxer shorts and a tee shirt he had put on inside-out.  In moments like this, he looked like a real boyfriend – disheveled, at-ease, looking like he just naturally belonged here with you.  Seeing him this way made you smile.

“Good morning, sunshine!  You look like you could use some coffee.” As you filled up the coffee maker with water, Jungkook came behind you and wrapped his arms around you, resting his head on your shoulder and nuzzling his face into your neck, without saying a word. “Did you sleep okay?” you asked him.

“Mm-hmm. I could easily have slept longer, but I don’t like being in that bed without you next to me.”

“Are you hungry?  I can heat up some leftover soup that I have, or I can make a bowl of cereal…” you motioned around the kitchen, pointing to where the food was hidden away.

“Noona, do you cook?  I saw all those containers of homemade side dishes in the fridge last night, but I’ve never seen you actually cook anything from scratch.” Jungkook lifted his head to look at you while he asked the question.

“I know how to make sandwiches.  Does that count?” You laughed as you answered.  “All that food is from my aunt.  She’s afraid that I won’t be healthy if I’m left to fend for myself in the kitchen.  She’s probably right.  My talents are better used by ordering take-out.”  Jungkook looked at you pensively. “Are you disappointed in my lack of skills?” you asked.

“No.  Not at all.  I was just thinking that there are so many things I don’t know about you yet and I’m looking forward to finally getting to know you better.” Jungkook hugged you tightly before letting go to sit on a barstool while you pulled a box of cereal from the cabinet.  “So where do you want to go for our first official date?  We’re doing a radio show later tonight, so I thought we could do the date tomorrow when I have the day off.  What do you think?”

“Sounds good to me.” You fixed two bowls of cereal and sat next to Jungkook to eat.  “I’m off tomorrow too, so whatever time works for you will work for me.  I’m open to whatever it is you want to do.”

Jungkook had a goofy grin on his face while looking at you.  “Well, the weather is nice.  So, we could go to an amusement park.”

You screwed up your face in disapproval.  “I don’t want to spend our first date waiting in lines.”

“Bike riding in the park, maybe a picnic?” he suggested.

“How about something indoors?” you countered.

“Bowling?”

You dismissed the idea.  “I’m not really a good bowler.”

“You don’t have to be good at it for it to be fun.  Besides, I’m getting pretty good, I can help you.  Come on,” Jungkook implored you.

You just shook your head no and took another bite of cereal.

“What about we go to a club?  You like going out dancing, I know you like drinking, and I’ve got a few moves I wouldn’t mind showing you.” He winked at you while he said it.

“I don’t know.  Clubs are pretty crowded and it will be hard to talk.”

“Are you ashamed to be seen with me?”  Jungkook had his head down and was playing with food, unwilling to look you in the eye while he asked the question.

“What? Of course not!  Kookie, why would you even ask that question?”

“For someone who just moments ago told me that you were open to anything I wanted to do, you seem to not want to do anything with me,” he said dejectedly.

“It’s not that.  It’s just…” you took a deep breath, trying to think of the right thing to say. “It’s our first date and you’re a celebrity and I’m worried about you being recognized, especially while we are together.  All these things you are suggesting are at the kinds of places you are mostly likely to find a fan.”

Jungkook brushed off your concerns.  “I’m used to blending in when I go out.  I know how to be careful.”  

“Well, I don’t.  And even when you are being careful, there are still times when fans catch you and take your picture.  Just imagine what that would be like if they caught a picture of us together.  I don’t want our first time out to be ruined because of fans.  Can’t we do something a little more low key?  At a place that won’t be filled with young people?  Maybe someplace off the beaten path?”

Jungkook sighed loudly.  “Fine.  I get it.  You’re probably right to be cautious.  How about we do something outside of Seoul?  I’ve got the whole day free, so I can borrow Yoongi hyung’s car and drive us to the seaside.  We can walk on the beach and eat something delicious.”

“Yoongi would let you borrow his car for the day?  He doesn’t seem like the type to just turn over his keys for no reason.”

“He isn’t.  But I have a good reason to want to borrow the car and I know he’ll be supportive when he hears that we’re dating, so I’m sure he’ll want to help out by lending me the car for one day.”

“No! Kookie, no!” You could feel your face start to heat up with panic.  “You can’t tell Yoongi that we are dating!  Not yet.  It’s too soon for that!”

Slamming his spoon down on the counter, Jungkook looked at you angrily.  “I thought we were through with this bullshit! Were you just fucking around with me last night when you agreed to try dating for real?!  You don’t like any of the ideas I suggest, you don’t want to be seen publicly, you don’t want anyone else to know about us… tell me, just what exactly is it that you want?!”

You placed your hand over Jungkook’s clenched fist, trying to calm him.  “I’m sincere about giving dating a try.  I mean that. I know it sounds like I’m not being honest with you, but I am.  I want this to work out.  I really do!  But making this change to our relationship is a little scary for me.  I know I’m being selfish here, but I’d really like to just focus on you and me and building our relationship with each other before we start inviting other people in.”

“These are my closest friends in the world, noona.  They are like brothers to me.  They practically raised me through my teenage years.  I hate not sharing this with them.  Every time I come over here to see you, I feel like I’m lying to them and I hate it.”

“I know, Kookie.  I don’t like keeping secrets either, but if word got back to my boss… I don’t think it would be good for me.  One overheard comment and I could be done for.” Every time you thought about someone from work finding out about the two of you, your stomach felt like it was tied in knots.

“They aren’t going to tell anyone at the office.  If they knew what was going on, they could help keep things covered for us.  Also, I think you are exaggerating how bad it would be if everyone back at the office found out.  I mean, Namjoon used to date the receptionist and she didn’t get fired.”

“Namjoon dated Miyeon?  Really?  Why haven’t I ever heard about this?”  You were shocked by the revelation of one of the boys actually dating someone else at work.  “She doesn’t seem like she would be his type.  She’s kinda flighty and shallow.”

“I don’t think he was dating her for her intellect, if you know what I mean.  Besides, the point I’m trying to make is that they dated and nobody made a big deal about it.  So maybe it wouldn’t be so awful if others knew that we are together.”  Jungkook took your hand in his, “Maybe you should trust me a little.”

“It’s not about trusting you.  Can’t we just date for a bit and get comfortable with our new situation first?”

“How long?  Tell me how long you think you need until you are comfortable enough to let me tell the guys.”  Jungkook resigned himself to a compromise.

You contemplated the question for a moment.  “I don’t know.  A month, maybe.”

“A month?! No fucking way!” Jungkook dropped your hand and crossed his arms across his chest.  “One week.  It’s not like we haven’t been seeing each other all along.  What do you need a whole month to figure out?”

“I don’t want to rush things.”

“Seriously, noona.  Are you just stalling until you get up the courage to dump me?  Because that’s what this is starting to sound like.”

It hurt you to hear him say that, because you wanted things to work out.  Although, a part of you knew that you wanted to wait to tell people because you were afraid things wouldn’t work out and you didn’t want other people knowing about the relationship if it was about to fall apart.  “I don’t want to dump you.  Kookie, look at me.  Please.  I want things to work.  You know how I am; I’m a cautious person.”

“You weren’t so cautious that night when you first hit on me.  Where’s that person, noona?  Where’s the woman who threw caution away and gave in to her feelings?”

You reached out to Jungkook, placing you hand on his thigh and rubbing circles with your thumb.  “You do things to me, you know?  I’ve never behaved like that with anyone else.  Maybe I get nervous because there is something about you that makes me act rashly.  I find it almost impossible to control myself when we are together.  That’s why I feel the need to be extra cautious now, so I don’t do anything to blow this.”  Jungkook’s face softened and he relaxed a little.  You leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, which caused him to smile involuntarily. “How about a compromise.  5 dates and then we decide who we are going to tell about us.  I think by the time we’ve had 5 dates, we will have figured out how to make this dating thing work out and it will be time to start telling the boys.  Is that okay with you?”

Reaching up to stroke your hair, Jungkook nodded in agreement.  “I think I can wait through 5 dates.  You already know I can’t stand to not see you almost every day.  5 dates will go by in no time.”

“Late night booty calls don’t count,” you amended your agreement.  “I’m talking real honest-to-goodness dates, where you ask me out in advance, we make plans and go do something that doesn’t involve Jungkookie Junior over here.” You pointed directly at Jungkook’s crotch for emphasis.

Jungkook groaned out loud, “Fine.  Real dates.  But you can’t penalize me if Jungkookie Junior gets involved in some post-date activity.”  He winked at you while taking hold of your hand and moving it further up his thigh towards his crotch.

Pulling your hand away and slapping his leg playfully, you admonished him.  “I can’t believe you are horny again already!  How do you even have the energy for all of that?”

“Noona, if you could see yourself the way I do, you’d understand why I’m like this all the time.”

You glanced at the clock on the microwave and stood up abruptly when you noticed the time. “Crap!  I need to finish getting dressed.  I’m supposed to be at an all day training that starts in 45 minutes. I’m going to be so late!”  You hurried down the hall, calling back to Jungkook, “Think about what it is you want to do tomorrow, and I promise to be more open minded about everything!”

Despite the initial conflicts in trying to find a suitable first date location, the two of you finally settled on dinner and a movie, in an unfashionable neighborhood, that you hoped would be less popular with young people.  You liked the idea of being hidden in the darkness of the theater and since it was a school night, you hoped that there wouldn’t be that many students around who might recognize Jungkook.  He was initially disappointed that your first date would end up being something so stereotypical, but he soon came around. Based on the number of texts he was sending you, seemed to actually be excited for your evening plans.

10:15am  Do you want to eat dinner before or after the movie?

10:16am  If we eat before, then I won’t be too hungry to concentrate.  If we eat after, we can talk about the film.  What do you prefer?

10:18am  Maybe we can eat before and then go out for dessert after?  I think that’s the best idea.

10:19am  What kind of desserts do you like?  I never see you eat sweets.

10:23am  Do you like horror films?  I wouldn’t mind you clinging to me for protection *wink*

10:23am  Or would a romance be more likely to put you in the mood?

10:25am  Do you put out on the first date? Kekekekekekekekeke

10:27am  Even if you do “put out” on the first date, this still counts as the first of the five dates. Right?

10:28am Right. It does.

10:29am  Yoongi hyung keeps asking who I’m texting because I can’t stop smiling.  I can’t wait until the fifth date is over and we can finally tell everyone.

10:30am  Jin hyung is going to die when he finds out I got the girl he was hitting on!  I can’t wait to see the expression on his face.

10:45am  Wear something sexy!!!  I want all the people to see how hot my girl is!

10:48am  Actually, wear whatever you want.  You always look beautiful.

10:50am  I’m so happy, noona.

Looking at his messages made you feel happy too.  No matter your concerns, Jungkook always made you feel good.  You had never met another man who was so effusive in his admiration for you and the feeling was intoxicating.  You texted him back:

I’m looking forward to tonight.  The movie or food doesn’t really matter as long as I’m there with you.

Shortly after sending that text to Jungkook, your phone rang.  Thinking it was him, you immediately swiped to accept the call but then noticed the name on the caller i.d.  It was your cousin, Seulji.  After ignoring all her text messages from yesterday, you assumed she had grown frustrated and was calling you instead.  The problem was you still weren’t ready to have an actual conversation with her yet.  In a panicked move, you simply hung up on her without saying anything.

So, she called you again.  And when you didn’t pick up, she called again. A moment later she texted you:

ANSWER THE PHONE! I KNOW YOU AREN’T WORKING TODAY.  WHAT IS THIS STORY ABOUT YOU DATING SOMEONE?

She knew.  It was inevitable that she would find out from John.  When you texted him to say you were seeing someone else, you knew it would be impossible to keep Seulji from finding out.  But you didn’t know what to say to her.  You had kept this secret and let her set you up on a date with another man.  She would most certainly be angry, but she would also be curious about who the other guy was and you really weren’t ready to have to explain your relationship with Jungkook to her just yet.  You didn’t think you had the courage to listen to Seulji berate you for lying to her and for having been involved in a sexual tryst with a younger man…  So you decided to just avoid her for a little while longer..  When your phone rang for the third time, you rejected the call and turned off your phone completely.

You offered to meet Jungkook at the restaurant, but he insisted that he would come to your apartment to pick you up.  You snickered when he told you he wanted to prove he could be a gentleman, causing Jungkook to assert his sincerity, “I mean it, noona.  I want to show you that I can do this the right way and treat you like a lady.  It’s not all about the sex anymore.”

His earnestness impressed you.  The Jungkook you had been sleeping with was always impulsive and driven by his libido, but the thought of a more sincere and romantic Jungkook, one who went out of his way to win you over, was a little thrilling.  As skeptically as you had been about the idea of actually dating him, you were starting to get excited for this evening.

When your doorbell rang, you threw open the door expectantly --  only to see your cousin standing there with her arms crossed and glaring at you.  “Seulji?  What are you doing here?” you asked nervously.

“I had no choice but to come here!  You don’t answer my calls, you ignore my texts… just what the fuck is going on with you?!”  She pushed past you and stormed into your apartment.

“I’ve just been busy, that’s all.”

“Stop lying to me!” Seulji was a tiny thing, much shorter than you, and despite being a year older, she looked much younger.  However, she was intimidating when she was angry, full of bluster and fury.  “I know today was your day off and it’s not like you have much of a social life keeping you busy.  Or at least that’s what I thought.” She raised an eyebrow at you.

You looked past Seulji towards the clock; Jungkook would be here at any minute and you did not want him running into your cousin like this.  “Look, you’re right.  I’ve been avoiding you because I didn’t know what to say.  But I really am busy right now.  I need to leave to go do something and I don’t have time to discuss this right this second, but I will discuss it with you.  How about tomorrow?”

“How about you just be a few minutes late to wherever you are going and give me the abridged version?”  Seulji sat down on the sofa, making it clear she had no intention of going anywhere until you shared your story.  “Jongshin oppa told me that you guys were having a good time and he thought things were going well, but you got weird at the very end of the date and ran off.  Then he tells me you sent him a text in the middle of the night saying that you are seeing someone else.  What I want to know is if you just said that because you were blowing him off or is there really another guy?”

You said a silent prayer that Jungkook would be running late and you could get your cousin out of the apartment before he arrived, then you sat down next to Seulji and confessed.  “Look, I didn’t really know it was going to go down this way.  John… I mean, Jongshin, is a great guy and under different circumstances, he’d be someone I could see myself possibly dating.  But then this other guy came along and I didn’t think it was going to be anything serious, it was just supposed to be casual.  I mean, it is just kinda a casual thing.  We were only just hanging out, but I thought I should give it a try…”

Seulji cut you off, “So there really is someone else?  I thought for sure you were lying to him to get out of another date, but… wow.  There really is another guy?  Why wouldn’t you just tell me that rather than have me trying to set you up with someone?”

“Because I was afraid if you knew about the other guy, you would want a bunch of details and I just didn’t have it in me to share a whole lot at that point.  It’s still very early in this relationship and I don’t know where exactly things are going to end up.”

“If it’s still early and you aren’t sure what you want, why not date both guys?  You just said you could see Jongshin as potential dating material, so why blow him off for an unknown?  You could date both guys until you know what you want? Or is it more serious than you are letting on?” Seulji leaned into the corner of the sofa and tucked her legs under her, making herself more comfortable and indicating no interest in leaving anytime soon.

“No, not serious, maybe.  I’m not really sure.  This is kind of a confusing time for me, you know?  I’m learning how to date again and I’m not even positive about what I want.  Honestly, I’m feeling a little pressure to make all these decisions about my love life when I’m not sure where things are going.  All I really know is that I can only deal with one guy at a time right now, so dating both of them is not an option.  I just don’t have it in me to date around like that.”

“Who’s the guy? Where did you meet him?” Seulji asked.

“It’s just someone from work.” You looked again at the clock; it was five minutes before the time Jungkook said he would be over.

“Who from work? How did this start?”  Her eyes were wide with surprise and she leaned forward as if to hear you better.

“It’s just a guy from work, it’s not a big deal.  We were both working late one night and things just sort of happened.  One thing lead to another and we hooked up…”  You stood up as you spoke, hoping Seulji would get the hint that you needed her to leave.

“Wait! Are you already sleeping with him?!” Seulji’s eyes were wide as she awaited your response.

You could feel yourself blushing and could barely stammer out a response.  “K-k-kinda”.

She stood up to face you, “How do you kinda sleep with someone?  This is big news!”

“It’s not big news, it’s just something that happened. After that date with John…Jongshin, it became clear I had to pick a direction.  So, I’m just going with this guy since we are already somewhat… um… further along in the relationship.”  You felt shy talking about Jungkook and weren’t yet sure how to accurately describe your affair without making it sound sordid.

Sitting back down on the arm of the sofa, Seulji started peppering you with questions.  “How long has this been going on?  Who is he?  Is it that cute sound guy I saw you talking to when I picked you up from work that one time?  How did he first put the moves on you?  Did you know he liked you?  I still can’t believe you never said anything to me about it.  You know I’m not a prude.  Why were you so secretive?”

“It’s not anyone that you’ve met before.  And it’s a delicate situation because we work together, if it doesn’t work out things could get messy. I don’t want to get anyone else involved until I know for sure that everything is going to work out.”

“People date their co-workers all the time.  Where else are working adults supposed to meet people?  You either date your own co-workers or a friend sets you up with her co-workers.  It’s not some big taboo.  I mean, I understand why you don’t want the people at your job finding out just yet, but there’s no reason why you shouldn’t have said something to me.  I still don’t understand why you didn’t let me know you had a guy – even if you weren’t sure it was going to work out.”  She stood back up and started heading to the kitchen.

“Where are you going?”  You hurried ahead of her and blocked her entrance.

“I’m thirsty, so I was going to get a drink of water.  Why are you being so weird?”

You reached into your refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of water, shoving it into Seulji’s hand while turning her towards the door.  “I know we have a lot more to talk about, but I really am in a rush.  Why don’t you head home and I’ll call you tomorrow.  We can go get a drink and I’ll tell you everything you want to know.  I’ll even buy.”

“Fine, fine.  Let me grab my purse.  Where are you headed to in such a hurry anyway?”

“I’ve got a date tonight and he should be here any minute.  I don’t need to stress him out by having him meet a family member so early, so will you please just go.  I’ll tell you all about it later.”

She rolled her eyes at you.  “I don’t think he’s the one who you are protecting from being stressed out. Is he weird looking?  Is that why you want me out so quickly?  Maybe he’s old?  Are you dating an older man?!”  As Seulji slipped her shoes back on, the doorbell rang and you let out an audible sigh.  “Well, well,” she said.  “I think I get to meet him after all.”

You tried to push past Seulji, but she was much closer to the door and got there before you.  She threw open the door, a giant smile on her face from having beat you, but the smile faded to a look of confusion when she saw Jungkook standing there holding a bouquet of flowers.  Jungkook looked momentarily confused as well, looking around to make sure he had rung the bell to the right apartment, but his face relaxed when he saw you standing behind your cousin.

After a moment of awkward silence, Seulji spoke, “You’re one of the singers, aren’t you?”

“Um, yeah,” Jungkook replied.  “And you are…?”

You reached past your cousin, grabbing on to Jungkook’s arm and pulling him inside.  “This is my cousin, Seulji.  You’ve heard me talk about her before.”

Jungkook bowed politely. “It’s nice to meet you.  I’m Jeon Jungkook.  I’ve heard so much about you.”

Seulji bowed in response, “I wish I could say the same.  I’ve heard next to nothing about you.”  She stared in silence for another moment when she cocked her head to the side as if she was trying to see Jungkook from a different angle.  “Aren’t you the maknae of that group she works for?”

Jungkook shifted his weight uncomfortably.  “I am.”  He looked towards you for help, not knowing what to say next.

“Alright.  That’s enough conversation for today,” you intervened.  “Seulji was just leaving.”  You placed both hands on your cousin’s back and gently pushed her out the open door.

“Okay, I get it.  I’m leaving.  But you are definitely buying me that drink you promised tomorrow evening.  We have a lot to talk about.”  Seulji pointed and glared at you before turning once more towards Jungkook and gave him a smile and awkward bow goodbye.

Once the two of you were alone, Jungkook handed you the flowers he brought and bent to kiss your cheek.  “I was not expecting you to have company.  Does this mean you’ve changed your mind about keeping everything a big secret?”

“It means my cousin is pushy and showed up unannounced.  I did not mean for the two of you to meet like that.  Let me put these flowers in some water before we head out.”  You headed into the kitchen to get a vase.

“You know,” he called out to you, “I’m fine with you telling anyone you know about us.”

“I know,” you called back.  “I will eventually.”  After arranging the flowers and placing them in the living room, you grabbed your things and headed out with Jungkook.  “The flowers are beautiful, Kookie.  Thank you.”

He smiled and held onto your hand as you walked down the hall, his ears blushing slightly.  “They aren’t half as beautiful as you are.”

You couldn’t help smiling at the cheesy gesture, and took note that this was the first time that you and Jungkook had held hands like a normal couple.  It felt nice and for a moment you set aside all your concerns.  Once outside, Jungkook ushered you into a taxi that would take you to a restaurant and he casually threw his arm over your shoulder as you rode in the back seat.

While you sat, enjoying the comfort of Jungkook holding you close, you could hear your phone receive a message.  You pulled out your phone to check..

6:07PM (Seulji)  He is a child! I hope to god you know what you are doing!       

       Over dinner, talk naturally gravitated to work.  You and Jungkook gossiped about coworkers and complained about schedules.  He talked about the recording of the new album and you talked about some styling ideas that you had but weren’t sure if it would fit with the new album concept.

During a brief lull in the conversation, Jungkook toyed with his food before making a suggestion.  “Maybe we should try talking about something other than work.  I want to get to know more about you and your life outside, noona.  I mean this is our first official date, after all.  Maybe we should try to get to know each other better, like people usually do on a date.”

“What is it that you would like to know, Kookie?”

“Tell me something about your life before Korea.  How about…” he paused to think for a moment, “tell me about the very first date you ever went on.”

“Wow, it feels so long ago.”  You squinted your eyes as you thought back.  “I think I was fifteen and he was an upper classman, maybe seventeen years old.  This boy asked me to a school dance and it was the first time any boy had ever asked me to do anything.  I didn’t even really like him that way.  At the time, I had a terrible crush on a different boy in my biology class, but I was too scared to even flirt with him.  So, when this other boy asked me out, I was just so excited to have anyone like me, I immediately said yes.  I remember I bought this long red dress and my mother yelled at me for wasting money on it because she said she could have sewn one just like it, but I thought it was so beautiful and I didn’t want a homemade dress.  

Anyway, he picked me up in his dad’s car and we went to the dance and afterwards we went with his friends and their dates to an all-night diner and ate french fries because that’s all anyone could afford.  Everyone there was about two years older than me and I didn’t know them, so it was somewhat uncomfortable.  Then he drove me home, but instead of taking me to my house, he drove into a park a few blocks away from where I lived.  He gave me my first kiss and I thought it was so romantic, until he tried feeling up my boobs.  I was shocked!  When I pushed his hand away and told him I wasn’t ready for that, he called me a baby.  I was so angry, I jumped out of the car and walked the rest of the way home; I went to my room and cried myself to sleep.  Now that I think about it, I experienced a lot of firsts that night.”

Jungkook looked at you with soft eyes.  “I’m sorry your first time on a date wasn’t such a pleasant experience. That guy sounds like a jerk.”

“It’s not so bad.  I was young and I had no idea about how to act around boys or what to expect.  I was actually kind of proud of myself for getting out of that car and leaving him like that.  It’s like anything else in life, sometimes the first time you do something is clumsy and it doesn’t go well.  But that’s how you learn.”  You took a sip of water and leaned back in your chair.  “What about you, Kookie?  What was your first date like?”

He looked down at the table, unable to meet your eyes directly. “I’m not sure.  It’s not over yet.”

It took you a moment to register what he was saying.  “What do you mean it’s not ov… oh.  Are you saying this is your very first date ever?”

“In some ways, yes.  I had a girlfriend in high school, but to be honest, she was just this girl who constantly hung around me.  She was super popular and pretty and everyone else wanted to date her, and when she hung out with me, everyone in school assumed we were together… so we just kind of started dating without even talking about it.  But you can’t even call it dating in the traditional sense.  Most of the time we saw each other it was in school.  I was a trainee at the time and there wasn’t much free time between studying for classes and practicing and preparing for debut.  When we were out together it was always with a group of other friends.  We’d go as a group to eat, we’d go as a group to the movies… things like that.  I never made a point of asking her to do something one on one.  The only time I really remember being alone with her was a couple of times she invited me to her house after school while her parents were out.  That was the first time we were… um… intimate.  Considering how little time we spent actually talking to each other, it’s strange to think that she would invite me over to sleep with her.  And like you said, first times are clumsy.  I can’t say I didn’t enjoy it physically, but I never really felt anything emotionally and I was never really happy with her.”

His confession that you were his first real date made you anxious.  “Surely there must have been someone else between that girl and me?  I remember hearing someone say something about you having a dated a female idol.  One from… um… I can’t remember the group’s name.”

“I’d hardly call that dating either.  We were both promoting all the time, so the only time we saw each other was when we were at the same tv studio or radio station -- which was fairly frequently for a couple months.  In between we would talk on the phone or text… but we never actually went out on a date.  And she’s another one where I was just with her because she seemed interested in me.  It was mostly us dry humping in a storage closet or getting her to flash her boobs over a video chat.  I wasn’t going for any high quality relationship building activities because, frankly, I didn’t care all that much.  Anyone else I’ve been with was a one night hook up.”  He looked at you earnestly.  “Noona, this is the first time in my life that I’ve actually asked a girl out and really wanted her to say yes.  It’s the first time I’m actually trying.”

You weren’t sure whether you felt flattered or terrified by Jungkook’s admission.  It made you feel special; you had never been anyone’s first anything.  It also reminded you of how much you and Jungkook were at different points in your lives, not just because of age but because of experience.  The crushing pain of heartbreak was something Jungkook had never experienced, yet you knew the feeling all too well.  You hoped that the purity of his emotions would soften your jaded heart, rather than the other way around.

After dinner, you walked the two blocks to the movie theater.  Jungkook was proud to show you the film he selected, saying he had noticed your viewing history when he was alone in your apartment and he was certain he picked something you would like.  The movie was a British film, a period romance with elaborate costumes and set designs.  You had to admit that he had picked the perfect film for you, unfortunately, it was far from perfect for Jungkook.  The theater was half empty and between the movie’s subtitles, intricate plot and slow pace, he had fallen asleep with his head on your shoulder.  

When he started to snore softly, you nudged him. “Next time we watch a movie together, pick something with explosions to keep you awake,” you whispered.

Jungkook rubbed his eyes and blinked to focus on the screen just as the female lead started to undress herself for a rather explicit love scene.  “Actually, I think this film is just about to get more interesting,” he whispered back, his lips closer to your ear than necessary, his nose nestling in your hair.  He wrapped his left arm around your shoulders and pulled your closer to him before draping his hand over your breast, rubbing his thumb over your nipple causing it to harden.  He took your right hand in his and placed it in his lap, firmly pressing your palm against his crotch as he watched the couple on screen climb into bed together.

“Kookie, we’re in public!” You tried keeping your voice down as you started to pull you hand away.

He held your hand tightly and pressed his lips directly against your ear, allowing you to feel them move as he spoke.  “I’m not asking you to do anything.  I just want to be close to you and feel you next to me.”  

It did feel nice being so close to him, to be out in the open and yet still hidden away in the darkness.  So when he let go of your hand, giving you freedom to move, you left your hand in his lap, absentmindedly rubbing against the growing bulge, enjoying a moment of intimacy without thought of anything more.

As the end credits scrolled across the screen and the other patrons exited the theater, you and Jungkook lagged behind.  He pulled you closer to him, lowering his face so he could meet your lips with his own.  The kiss was soft and sweet and as he pulled away, you couldn’t resist lunging forward for a second kiss.  Your boldness surprised Jungkook and his lips parted, giving way to your tongue.  You reached up to stroke his hair, your nose pressed tightly against his, his teeth nibbled at your lower lip… until you could hear the voice of an unknown woman chastising you.  You looked up and saw a woman in her 50’s pointing at you and telling you that you shouldn’t be allowed out of the house until you learned how to behave in public.  You glanced at Jungkook, who was turned so his back was to the woman, had his head down and his shoulders were starting to shake from trying to hold back his laughter.  All you could do was bow your head and apologize until she walked away, telling anyone within earshot that kids today behaved shamefully.

Once the woman was gone, Jungkook allowed himself to laugh out loud.  You smacked him on the shoulder, “How can you laugh right now?  I’m mortified!  I’ve never been yelled at by a stranger before!”

He wiped a tear from his eyes and started to laugh again when he saw the expression on your face.  “What?  It’s funny!  You’re the one who is always so concerned about not drawing attention to the two of us, but you initiated that last kiss and got us scolded.”  He took your hand and led you to the exit.  “You’re always on my case for being horny all the time, but it turns out I’m not the only one who can’t keep his hands to himself.”

“Okay, I admit it.  You’re irresistible sometimes.  But now that the date is over, I don’t have to resist much longer.”  You winked at him.  

“Wrong, noona.  The date isn’t over yet.  I promised you coffee, dessert, and a nice conversation discussing the film, and that’s what we’re going to do next.”

“That isn’t necessary.  Besides, you slept through half the film -- how are you going to discuss it?  Let’s just head back, Kookie.”

Jungkook shook his head.  “You can explain the parts I missed.  This is my first date with you and I want the full experience.  I want to enjoy this for as long as possible and show you that it’s not just about the sex.”

You walked hand in hand to a cafe that he said came highly recommended online, claiming the head barista won some prestigious award.  The place was bustling for a weeknight in an out-of-the-way neighborhood.  Walking into a well lit room full of people made you suddenly wary of being caught with Jungkook, so you dropped his hand and grasped your purse tightly, hoping to look inconspicuous.  You noticed Jungkook looking down at his now empty hand, but he said nothing.

After placing your order, you excused yourself to go to the bathroom while Jungkook waited at the table.  On your way back, you noticed a familiar man walking towards the exit with a to-go cup in his hand.  You stood frozen, watching him walk by you, when he paused to check his phone and suddenly, he took notice of you as well.  Unable to pretend you hadn’t seen him, you decided to greet him instead.  “John? Hi.  This is an unexpected surprise. What are you doing here?”

John’s face was stiff and he looked back at the door for a moment, as if he was contemplating just walking away.  Instead, he took a deep breath before putting on a fake smile and answering you.  “I live near here.  This is my regular spot to get coffee.  The real question is what are you doing here?  Don’t you live across town?”

“Ah.  Yeah.  I was watching a movie down the street and I was told this place was good for coffee and cake.”  You could hear the discomfort in your own voice and thought that this must be even more uncomfortable for him.

“A movie.”  His face fell a little as he spoke.  “I’m assuming you didn’t go see this movie alone?”

You could see Jungkook sitting at the far end of the room, he was watching you as you spoke to John.  Jungkook’s eyes were narrowed and you knew he was wondering why you were talking to some strange guy.  “No, I’m not alone.”

“I see.  Well, enjoy your evening.”  With that, John turned to leave, but you called out after him as he walked away.

“I really did enjoy the time I spent with you.  You’re a great guy and I thought we got along well.  Even though I’m dating someone else, I would very much like for us to be friends.” You weren’t quite sure why you were even saying these words to him.  You were being honest when you said you wanted to be friends; you had so few people in your life that you could just talk comfortably to, and the time you spent with John had been one of the most enjoyable evenings you had since arriving in Korea.  It made you sad to think that a friendship might not be possible with someone you clearly had much in common with.

John stopped walking and turned back to you.  He looked at you curiously before coming closer to address you directly.  “Friends?” he scoffed.  “I don’t want to come across as some guy who is just bitter at being rejected, but I thought that night at the theater and then when we were talking at the bar… it felt good, it felt like we really connected.”

“I agree,” you interjected, “we did connect.”

He held up his hand to stop you from speaking further.  “I’m not delusional.  I know that even when you get along with someone, sometimes it just doesn’t work out.  And under other circumstances, I might be willing to set aside my hurt feelings and just be friends with you.  But, there’s a problem with that.  I need to be able to trust my friends, and you aren’t trustworthy.”  You opened your mouth to protest, but nothing came out.  “You went on that date with me when you already had some other guy that you were serious about.  You didn’t tell me;  you didn’t tell your cousin.  What’s that about, huh?  I went into that date completely open and I never stood a chance because the whole thing was a sham.   You didn’t even do me the honor of protecting my pride by waiting to reject me.  You sent me a text in the middle of the night to let me know that the whole evening had been a lie.” John was trying to maintain his composure, but his face was hard and his cheeks were starting to get a little red.  “So, no. We can’t be friends.”

“Is everything okay here?” Jungkook had slipped behind you when you weren’t looking.  He placed his arm around your waist as if he was laying claim to you publicly, warning John that he was speaking to a taken woman.

John looked at Jungkook, sizing up the younger a man and let out a sigh before turning back to you.  “I think I’m starting to understand why you didn’t want to say anything.”   And without saying another word, he exited the cafe.

The conversation with John had dampened your spirits and left you picking at your food.  Jungkook had been uncharacteristically calm when you told him who John was, simply commenting that he was taller than Jungkook imagined him.

Jungkook tried valiantly to keep the conversation flowing and ignored the uneasiness that had fallen over the evening.  You were simply too distracted by your thoughts.  Were you a dishonest person?  You always had the best intentions, but somehow, it didn’t matter.  In your effort to protect yourself, you managed to hurt those around you.  You needed to get your act together and live your life more deliberately, but you still weren’t sure what you wanted.  You worried that if you didn’t start to figure things out soon, you might do irreparable damage to Jungkook and yourself.

Upon arriving back at your apartment building, Jungkook started to get out of the taxi but you stopped him.  “Kookie, please don’t take this the wrong way, but I think I’d rather sleep alone tonight.”

“What are you talking about?  Back at the movie theater, you were practically begging me to go home with you.”

“I know, but I’m tired.” You looked at Jungkook who was eyeing you suspiciously.  “Besides, it’s our first date.  I don’t want you to think I’m easy by putting out too quickly,” you said jokingly, trying to lighten the mood.

“Noona, if you don’t want to have sex tonight, I can respect that.  We’ll just sleep.  I promise to not put any moves on you tonight.”  You laughed at that thought.  “I mean it, noona.  I know you think I’m in a state of non-stop arousal, and, well… you aren’t exactly wrong.  But I also know how to behave.  If you don’t want to have sex, then I’m perfectly capable of controlling myself.”

“I know you are, Kookie.  I know.  But tonight, I just need some space.  Tomorrow things will be back to normal, but tonight, I’m just in a bit of a mood and I won’t be good company.”

Jungkook, nodded to himself.  “Okay.  I’ll go.”  He took your hand in his for the final time of the night and played nervously with your fingers before asking you the question that had been burning in his mind.  “You would tell me if you didn’t want to be with me, right?  I mean, not just for tonight, but if you really didn’t want to date me at all.  You would tell me and not just leave me to guess your feelings, right?”

You placed your hand on his cheek.  “Kookie, look at me. I had a wonderful time with you tonight and I’m looking forward to our second date.  One night apart is just that, one night apart.  It might do us some good, now that we are actually dating and not just messing around.”   You kissed him tenderly on the lips before letting go of him and stepping away.  “Just think, we are one date down and four more to go.  Start thinking about what you want to do on date number two and let’s talk about it tomorrow.”  

You waved at Jungkook as the cab drove away to carry him back to his own bed.  As you headed back into your apartment, you realized that you never answered his question directly.  You told yourself that once you knew for sure what you wanted from this relationship, whether it be to stay together or split apart, you would tell Jungkook immediately -- as soon as you could figure out your own heart.  Whenever that might be.

#jungkook scenarios #jungkook angst #BTS angst #BTS scenarios

[sebassstian-stan]

20-ish Hours in LA [Self Para]

[Takes place between Saturday afternoon and late Sunday morning.]

“What’s this meeting for again, babe?” Minka asked as she and Sebastian watched the large digital board change the status of his flight, the gate finally being displayed. Picking up his hand luggage – he knew he wouldn’t be there long enough to justify a checked back – he leaned down to press a lingering kiss to Minka’s lips in response.

Sebastian had planted the seed weeks ago that he might have out to LA to meet with some studio executives for his next Marvel jaunt, the details of which he couldn’t discuss. While he hadn’t meant ‘executives’ in the terms the two of them were used to in their line of work – Sebastian felt it was close enough to the truth to assuage his conscience from misdirecting her away from why he was really going: to meet with her father, Rick.

With a wink, he assured her brightly, “gotta see a guy about a metal arm tomorrow morning, then a quick pop in to meet with my agent out there; then I’ll be back late tomorrow afternoon. Not even twenty-four hours, you won’t even know I’ve been gone,” he smiled, besotted, and cupped her cheek to kiss her again. Knowing time was counting down, Sebastian shouldered his bag and wove their fingers together, nodding his head as he lead them towards the blessedly short security line. Knowing Minka couldn’t go any further without her own ticket, Sebastian spent a few more minutes kissing his girlfriend; running his hands through her hair, and finally pulled back to bend down and press their foreheads together, despite their height difference.

Looking into her eyes, his heart beat out an even tempo: you’re it. You’re it. You’re it. Feeling deep in his bones that this was the right move, that this woman was the person he wanted to spend his life with. Grinning widely, he pressed his lips against her forehead, he murmured against her skin, “Minka Kelly, I love you all day,” quietly to keep the precious words between them in the bustling terminal, “and I cannot wait to see you tomorrow.”

With a final kiss, and a wink at her telling him to not stress out too much on his flight – already a lost cause, since the moment they parted Sebastian felt his palms begin to sweat – he made his way towards the gate, every step closer causing the small velvet box in his pocket to press happily against his thigh.

Settling into his seat, Sebastian ran a nervous hand through his hair before digging his phone out of his pocket. He considered the device for a moment, glancing around to see if any of the still incoming passengers were paying attention to him. Noting more of them were focused on finding their way to their seats, he thumbed open the camera function, and turned the camera onto selfie mode, feeling slightly ridiculous but the need to document this moment winning out.

To say that Rick hasn’t been the easiest person for Sebastian to get to know was an understatement. Between the not to veiled comparisons between Sebastian, his superhero alter-ego, and the not unimpressive men Minka had dated before him, it had taken Rick’s particular brand of ‘good-natured initiation’ five, long days to get under Sebastian’s skin far enough that he had exploded at Minka during one of their rare arguments. Since then – much to the credit of the woman herself, who had told her father to dial it down – Rick had begun to give Sebastian more of than a snowball’s chance in hell for the two men to form a relationship of their own.

Though it had taken some time, they had eventually found commonalities between them that extended beyond their shared love for Minka. Now, he was used to receiving trash-talking updates about NBA teams, and had a growing stack of “educational” classic rock mix CD’s, ones Rick still used actual CD’s for and hand wrote liner notes (also trash talking those artists Rick knew personally) – all of which delighted Sebastian to no end.

Smiling to himself at the irony, Sebastian pulled up one of the many, too-long-titled CD’s from Rick that Sebastian had uploaded into his iTunes and leaned back into the stiffly upholstered seat of his Uber, slowly making its way through typically horrendous Saturday night LA traffic. Checking his phone, he shot off a quick text to the woman this whole trip was about letting her know he was on his way to his hotel, safe and sound.

Tony, who’d accompanied Sebastian on multiple afternoons of sneaking to jewelry stores under strict confidence, even from his mother, had originally been the only person he’d divulged his real intentions of visiting the West coast. The following week, in a fit of nervousness and uncertainty, he’d confided in Zach what he’d been planning, relieved and bolstered once again that he’d been making the right choice by his friend’s excitement and encouragement.

However, that didn’t make the thirteen hours Sebastian had ahead of him, ones separating him from meeting with Rick the following morning, any less nerve wracking. Pulling his lips into a considering frown, he momentarily wished that he’d alerted one of his friends in LA that he was going to be in town - his previous paranoia that Minka would somehow get wind of what he was planning preventing him from reach out to someone. He checked his watch and realized he wouldn’t want to wake Zach’s kids to call him - and calling Tony at this hour would absolutely alert his mother that something was up. The person he really wanted to call and talk to, the one who always assuaged his concerns and grounded him when he was spiraling, ironically, was the one person he couldn’t talk to this about. Unplugging his phone from where it was half-charged, he called up the camera application once again, sitting himself at the edge of his all-too-empty bed, and considered what to say.

Sebastian then attempted to channel his emotional energy into rehearsing the words that had started off as an anxiety-fueled ramble, but which had eventually taken shape into a nearly eloquent testament of love and devotion. One Sebastian hoped would be enough to convey to Rick exactly what his daughter meant to him, how seriously Sebastian had thought about what he was asking for Rick’s blessing over, and how desperately he need him to say yes.

Sometime around three o’clock in the morning, Sebastian had dozed off, fully clothed, on top of the hotel bed. Startling awake without the assistance of an alarm, he swam up through the last vestiges of sleep, jolting into complete consciousness as he realized he had just enough time to shower, make himself presentable, and make his way over to the cafe where Rick had suggested they meet for an early lunch. Biting down on a groan when his Uber, once again, encountered a traffic jam destined to make him a few minutes late, he shot off a quick text to let Rick know, feeling relieved when the man responded that he had no other plans that day.

Laughing at the ridiculousness of his Sebastian’s careful timing going to shit because he hadn’t factored in the street congestion the city was infamous for, he took advantage of the delay to slide his trusty iPhone out of his back pocket and began to film.

“Fifteen minutes late but no entourage? What kind of movie star are you?” Rick asked with a wry smile, standing to shake Sebastian’s hand. The younger man was grateful when, in a subconscious movement fueled by nerves from being late, the hug he went in for with Minka’s father wasn’t rejected or treated unusually. While they hadn’t hit it off to nearly the extent with which Sebastian’s own parents embraced Minka, upon their return home from their New Year’s trip to Hawaii, Sebastian had received a surprisingly candid and thoughtful email from Rick, apologizing for his rough demeanor – and that her father was trying meant a lot to Sebastian. Despite their growing bond, Sebastian knew this was cashing in all the good favor he’d earned from the man, and tried to keep himself from immediately chugging the glass of water waiting for him at the table.

Keeping the conversation light between them, Sebastian found that he actually enjoyed Rick’s company these days. The man was an endless fountain of knowledge about music and navigating the, sometimes tumultuous, entertainment industry, and was generous with his stories about some of the wilder nights of his extensive career. Filling the other man in on the projects he’d been working on recently – including Rick’s insistence Sebastian listen to his daughter and retire his long-gone mustache for good – he waited until they had finished their meals and waiter had been served their after-lunch coffees to the table before he sat forward in his seat and took a deep breath.

“I actually wanted to talk to you about something else,” he fixed Rick with a smile he hoped didn’t betray the way his heart started thumping into overdrive. “Do you remember a while ago, after the last time we were in LA, you sent me an email and told me that my relationship with Minka was going to end up one of two ways?”

“I remember,” Rick said, the edges of his mouth curling as he settled back in his chair.

“Good,” Sebastian said with a smile before shifting his weight to one side to pull a small box from his pocket. Opening it, he glanced down at the sparkling ring nestled in the black velvet before placing the box on the table facing the other man. “Rick, I want nothing more than to ask your daughter to marry me,” Sebastian watched as Rick slipped on one of the, undoubtedly, seven pairs of glasses on his person and picked up the box, inspecting the ring closely, “but I’d like your blessing as her father first.” Feeling a prickling cap of sweat break out over his scalp at the older man’s continued silence, Sebastian forced himself not to fidget in his seat.”

“Why?” Rick drawled eventually, placing the ring box back on the table and waving away a hovering waiter.

The question threw Sebastian, all of his carefully planned words flying out of his head at the unexpected turn of the conversation. “Why do I want to marry her?” When Rick nodded, Sebastian felt a small crease form between his brows as he shook his head once, and stared down at the table, fearing this wasn’t going to be as simple as he’d been anticipating.

“Because she’s the most important person in my life - and the best person I know. Her happiness makes me happy, and when she’s not, I want to set the world on fire to find out why. I want to champion her victories and comfort her after her losses. And I know with every part of me, that no one on earth will ever love or care for your daughter more than me.” Sebastian cut himself off before he started rambling further, licking his lips nervously and glancing up to see his lunch date smirking back at him, clearly amused.

“She ever tell you you’re a little dramatic sometimes?” Rick laughed, shaking his head back, but not unkindly.

Sebastian huffed good naturedly, realizing now that the question had been a teasing one, “all the time,” he grinned. “That or she’s telling me how stubborn I am.”

“Sounds like her,” Rick agreed fondly, before clasping his hands together on the tabletop. “I’m not going to sit here and give you a shovel talk, Sebastian,” Rick said with near uncharacteristic seriousness, changing the tone of their conversation again and catching Sebastian off guard. “I think you and I both know that I won’t stand for anyone hurting my daughter; she’s been jerked around enough.” Sebastian nodded, pursing his lips as flashes of stories about the woman in question’s cheating, lying, and uncommitted exes floated through his head.

“I agree,” Sebastian said with an edge of defensiveness creeping into his tone, both at the thought Rick could ever lump him in with them, but more so that Rick thought he would think Minka deserved anything less than everything.

“I know you make her happier than she’s ever been; which is all I want for my little girl.” He tapped the table in front of the ring box “and I have no doubt this is going to make her even happier.” Motioning to the still-hovering waiter with an irritated glance they’d like their check, Rick waited until they were alone again to continue, “and yes, of course you have my blessing – she’d murder me if I said otherwise - and I don’t doubt your love for her. From what I’ve seen of the two of you together, and the way she goes on about you on the phone,” he complained good-naturedly, “she’s just as gone on you as you are on her.” He met Sebastian’s eyes seriously before smirking, “s’a very nice ring, Hollywood.”

“Well, you have a very nice daughter, sir,” Sebastian retorted smartly, mouth curling proudly when Rick laughed loudly in the quiet restaurant. Quickly settling the bill, after Sebastian insisting on paying the check much to Rick’s dismay, the pair exited the restaurant into the pleasant Californian sunshine. Ambling over to the valet stand, Sebastian had to check the grin on his face more than once, hands nearly shaking, giddy with relief and excitement, as a single thought danced through his head: this was happening.

“Here’s me,” Rick said as a tiny, classic convertible slowed to a stop in front of the valet check, to Sebastian’s complete lack of surprise. “Where’s your meeting? Let me drop you,” Rick offered kindly.

“I – uh,” Sebastian stammered, shouldering his backpack more securely. “That’s okay, I can just,” hitching a thumb over his shoulder, “call an Uber.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, I’m not on a schedule – where you headed?”

“I’m… uh, the airport, actually?” Sebastian’s voice climbed in pitch as he realized he hadn’t through this part of the plan all the way through.

“The airport?”

“Yeah, I – I’m sorry, I didn’t-”

“Seb?” Rick interrupted, the diminutive sounding unfamiliar on his tongue, “did you come all the way out here just to have lunch with me?” Rick said, tone and expression unreadable.

Feeling the tell-tale heat in his cheeks, Sebastian held Rick’s gaze for a few moments before insisting, “no.”

Seeing it for the blatant lie that it was, the older man barked out another loud laugh, throwing an arm around Sebastian’s shoulders and jostling him twice as the engine of the tiny, red car rumbled loudly, awaiting them.

Later, Sebastian wouldn’t remember the details of what they’d talked about for those forty minutes, or really any salient detail about their trip to the airport. The only thing that stuck with Sebastian was as he once again thanked the older man - the man who would hopefully someday become his father-in-law - for his approval, and the ride, was the bone crushing bear hug that he was pulled into. One that Rick had initiated. His brain skittered offline, quickly rebooting as Rick shook him gently by the shoulders one last time, studying Sebastian over the wire frames of his glasses.

“You’re a good fucking kid,” Rick said gruffly, “you know that? I’m glad you’re sticking around.”

“Yes, sir. Thank you.” Sebastian smiled, overwhelmed and painfully grateful for the affirmation as Rick gently shoved him towards the automatic doors of LAX, waving a final goodbye in response to the quick beep beep of the car’s parting honk. Patting the box which was once again snuggled comfortably against his leg, Sebastian made his way through the check in line, a renewed excitement to get back to Bayview.

Settling down in the airport lounge with a few moments to spare, Sebastian studied his reflection in the darkened screen of his phone before sliding open the lock, and starting to record his final installment of this journey, laughing delightedly “So, final installment of this ‘road journal’ - that I still don’t know if you’ll ever see - and you’re never going to believe this, babe, but I swear to God your father just hugged me…”

#20ish hours in LA #self para

[auroraphilealis]

A Familiar Kind of Love Chapter Eighteen

A Familiar Kind of Love

Genre: Chaptered, ace/aro (flux and other experiences including but not limited to queerplatonic relationships), self discovery, witches, slow burn, getting together (eventually and in a mixed romantic/platonic way), RP format

Warnings: inaccurate herbology/plant & medicine stuff, self-esteem issues & confused hierarchy systems between familiars & witches (that does get resolved), threatened non-con (later, warned in chapter, and non-explicit), explicit discussions of nudity/sexual content but no actual smut, light experiences of ace/aro discrimination & feelings of discomfort/dysphoria during self-discovery, swearing

Summary: Born in a world full of magic, Dan spends his days running an apothecary and curing the sick. Potions and antidotes are his only friends, and he lives a happy life of quiet solitude - until a familiar he never wanted takes it all away. Forced to make a decision that’s life or death for one of them, Dan and Phil have to learn to co-exist together, entering a journey of self-discovery… and a familiar kind of love. Ace/Aro

Word Count: 13,830 this chapter

Thank you to @vanillasolitude who we could not have done this without. Every inch of their commentary and editing was a huge confidence boost, and we can not thank Emily enough for even being willing to do this with us. Seriously, it was a mammoth task and Emily just completely rose to the occasion, so giant thanks from us!

Updates: Monday & Wednesday & Friday

Disclaimer: In no way do I claim that this is real or cast aspersions on Dan or Phil.

For reference, @insanityplaysfics is Phil, @ineverhadmyinternetphase is Dan

(Previous) (Masterlist) (AO3)

Chapter Eighteen

Phil slept on and off for what seemed like the rest of the day. He didn't stir much, unlike the night before when he had been a cat, unable to do more than cat nap from time to time. Occasionally, Phil would feel Dan nudge him awake and force Phil to do things for him like put something cold in his mouth, and he thought he remembered taking another potion that tasted like crap, but Dan never left his side. Phil could sense him using his magic for things, but he didn't move Phil or bother him too much in his sleep, just allowing Phil to rest instead.

Phil appreciated it more than he could say, snuffling against Dan but mostly happy where he was, just laying against his chest.

When he did finally wake up, more clear headed than before and finally feeling less horrible about the cat who'd bothered him in the early hours of the morning, Phil could see that the sun had gone down again. He yawned and stretched against Dan, nuzzled his chest a few times, and then sat up, body suddenly very restless. He was finally alert when he opened his eyes, and turned to find that Dan was apparently dozing himself, and looking particularly cute as he did so.

Phil smiled at him, and reached up with gentle fingers to press aside the bit of his fringe that was falling into his eyes. The motion was enough to rouse Dan, apparently, as he jolted awake with a loud cry of "What, what?" as if he wasn't sure if everything was okay. It made Phil giggle, and he ended up reaching for Dan's fingers and squeezing around them.

"Morning sleepy head," he teased, as if Dan had been the one to sleep all day.

Dan blinked, jolted awake before his time, and stared around the room in a slight panic. Was Phil okay? Had he moved? Dan must have dozed off without realising it as the day wore on, because he certainly felt as if he'd only just woken up. He glanced around in a slight panic until he caught sight of Phil sending him a mischievous grin, and then Dan settled back down again.

Phil was here, and he looked okay. Better than okay, actually. His eyes were brighter than before, and he was using actual sentences to speak to Dan, which was definitely an improvement. Maybe the potions Dan had forced down his throat were starting to work.

"Excuse you," Dan huffed, and reached out to ruffle Phil's hair up into spikes to retaliate. He sat up with a loud yawn, rubbing his eyes. It must be evening by now, because the sky outside the window was dark again. They'd properly messed up their sleeping schedules this time, but Dan couldn't even bring himself to care. Spending a day cuddled in bed with Phil was not a waste of a day in Dan's book.

He glanced back at Phil once his eyes were scrubbed, smiling a little and squeezing Phil's fingers back, glad that Phil had reached for him. "How are you feeling? Still whining like a spoiled child?" he teased with a smirk.

Phil ducked his head as Dan reached out and scrubbed up his hair, spiking it up a bit and making a mess of the sweaty locks - which reminded Phil of just how dirty and sweaty and sticky he currently felt. He shook his head as Dan pulled away, but he was grinning, staring down at Dan fondly and almost tempted to shove his own fingers through Dan's rumpled hair as well. He didn't, too invested in holding Dan's hand instead, and certain, since the world was still kind of spinning that if he attempted to reach out with his other hand, he'd surely go crashing down on top of Dan.

"I don't whine," Phil whined, and immediately blushed, giving in and letting go of Dan's warm fingers to swat at his chest playfully. He pouted as Dan laughed at him, and then just kind of... collapsed back on top of him, squashing Dan and uncaring when he let out an "ooph," now that he'd been forced to lay back on the bed. Phil made himself comfortable, shuffling about until his face was in the crook of Dan's neck, and then placed a kiss there.

"My head hurts," he complained. "Take care of me?" he requested, even as he knew Dan would do anything for him, even as he knew he was proving the other male right about his whiny spoilt-ness.

Dan huffed when he was unceremoniously pushed back down onto the bed and forced to resume his job as Phil-pillow, which he didn't remember signing up for, actually, but apparently had no choice in the matter now. He shook his head with a fond smile, and went back to carding his fingers through Phil's hair as Phil pushed his face as close into Dan's neck as he could.

"Of course I'll take care of you," Dan murmured in return, poking Phil's cheek gently. "I can't let the whiny child go without a responsible adult, now can I?" He chuckled when Phil whacked his chest again, though he supposed he deserved it. Still. It wasn't Dan's fault Phil was so cute and needy when he was sick.

"That'll be the fever, making your head hurt." Dan assessed him as best he could, pushing Phil's hair back to feel his forehead again. The fever was down a bit, he thought, but still raging much higher than it should be. He tutted. "Bed rest, I think, for a few more days. Have you been feeling dizzy at all?" He slipped his fingers back through Phil's hair, gently tangling the strands. The gesture wasn't even just to comfort Phil; Dan was growing to love the feeling of that soft, silky texture against his fingers.

It seemed their new thing was going to be Phil whacking Dan every time he decided to be a cheeky little shit, but Dan just laughed it off even as Phil pouted against his skin. He curled into Dan, soaking up his warmth, feeling suddenly very cold, and pushed his arms around Dan's mid section. He just wanted to cuddle, and hugging Dan was literally the best feeling in the world. The least Dan could do was stop making fun of him - and yet, Phil knew he didn't really want him to. His heart sang every time Dan teased him good naturedly, and something told him that was Dan's best way of showing affection. Phil could accept that just as easily as he was accepting Dan's arms winding around him in return.

"Leave me alone," he complained, tightening his arms around Dan so he couldn't tease Phil back by doing just that. Dan merely chuckled at the complaint, and continued on, threading his fingers through Phil's hair as he spoke and asked gentle questions.

"Dizzy," he agreed, closing his eyes. "But only when I sit up." That was why, in large part, Phil had decided to merely shove Dan back into the bed and resume using him as a pillow. And the fact that he was cold. "I want to take a shower," he complained. "Or a bath," he added, sniffing at himself and wrinkling his nose at the scent. He was covered in sweat. Was that why he felt so cold? He shivered, and then buried his face back into Dan's neck, pressing another soft kiss there just because he could.

"I refuse to stay in bed without you, though. So bed rest is implausible. Find another cure."

Dan chuckled again, but he was undeniably in love with the way Phil was so clingy like this. He kept pressing little kisses to Dan's neck, as well, which only led Dan's thoughts down the track of what if they kissed elsewhere, what if he got brave enough to ask Phil to try kissing on the lips? The more Dan thought about the idea, the more he was itching to try it, but not when Phil was still vulnerable. Dan didn't want to ruin anything else by diving straight into something without properly considering the issues that might come with it.

He was tired of screwing things up with Phil.

Phil, however, seemed adamant not to have any time without Dan, to which Dan simply grinned and kissed the top of his head. "Well, you are a bit smelly," he conceded with a wicked smirk, unable to resist teasing Phil when it got such cute reactions out of him. "I'll run you a bath, whenever you decide to get off me."

He pursed his lips when Phil argued against staying in bed, though, shaking his head firmly. "Doctor’s orders, I'm afraid. You've got to give your body a chance to recover. I could make you a stronger potion, but the taste gets even worse the stronger the dose." He winked at Phil, grinning. "Given how you reacted to the last one, I don't think you'd like that very much, hm?"

Except, honestly, Dan kind of loved the idea of spending the next few days in bed with Phil, holding him until he was properly recovered. His work could wait, right? PJ could handle it? ...Maybe?

"Daaaan," Phil whined, absolutely mortified as Dan agreed with him that he stank. It was one thing to be aware of the smell clinging to his skin, and an entirely different one to have his witch pointing it out to him. Mortified as he was, Phil shoved himself out of Dan's arms and onto the other side of Dan's bed - and right, he was in Dan's bed. That was a nice thought. Phil settled down into it with a little smile, and inhaled deeply the scent of Dan's sheets. He really liked being here with Dan, liked that Dan had accepted so much of him and had taken care of him all day.

As his mind cleared more and more though, he started to feel guilty for asking that Dan stick by his side until Phil had recovered as well. He knew Dan knew what he was doing, knew Dan wasn't trying to force him to remain bored and sickly in bed, but... but he also just didn't really want to not be with his witch.

He pouted some more and then sighed.

"I want the stronger potion," he decided primly. "And then I want the bath, and then - and then you have to leave me alone before you get sick too. I'm keeping you from your work. Or, at least, tomorrow I will be."

Phil's demands were all delivered with this prim little pout, and he looked so disgruntled about being sick in the first place that Dan couldn't resist leaning over to give him another kiss, this time on his forehead. He leaned back with a little grin. "Yes, Sir, whatever you say, Sir.” He rolled his eyes a bit, but he was still grinning. He really loved this side to Phil. It was vulnerable in a new way, in a way Dan knew he could deal with and poke fun at, and Phil wouldn't get offended.

Seeing as Phil had rolled off him now, Dan got up to his feet and held his hands out to Phil. "Come on then, let's get you a bath. Lean on me, though, you might be a bit wobbly," he warned, and steadied Phil the instant he tried to get upright, gripping tight onto both of Phil's arms to hold him firmly in place. "Slowly, go slowly. I don't want you falling over on me and cracking your head."

He walked Phil slowly over towards the door and headed for the bathroom, staying by his side and getting an arm around Phil's shoulders so that Phil could lean into his side.

Phil giggled as Dan called him “Sir”, staring up at him with big, wide eyes, and hoping that Dan would understand just how much Phil loved and appreciated him. He'd never been in a vulnerable position like this before, had never been made to need someone as much as he needed Dan, and it was both new, refreshing, and strange. He liked that he had someone to lean on now, though, especially when, now that he was in the human world, it seemed he was much more vulnerable to things than he'd been on his own. He'd never even known getting sick like this was possible, and now he never wanted to feel it again.

He was almost drunk on the strange sensation of walking while the world spun, but Dan helped Phil out of bed and then to the bathroom like it was no bother, like it was nothing new, and it probably wasn't considering Dan's profession, but Phil still appreciated it more than he could say.

"Don't worry about giving it to me, I'm resilient to most things. You can have more potion after you've washed and eaten, and then you're sleeping again." He pursed his lips. "We'll see how you are in the morning about work. I could just take the day off to look after you. It really isn't a chore." He grinned at Phil, depositing him carefully onto the edge of the bath before starting to run the water.

Once they were in the bathroom, Dan was helping Phil to settle down on the toilet lid while he got the bath water going, and Phil pouted as he spoke. He didn't mind taking a bath and eating before Dan would give him a higher dosage of the potion he'd been feeding to Phil, but he did mind the fact that Dan was considering taking a day off for him.

Of course it made his stomach feel all happy and fuzzy, and of course he knew he'd been the one to give Dan the idea in the first place, but that didn't change the fact that he felt bad about it.

"No," he complained. "I know it's not a chore. That's not the point. I can't take you from work because I'm clingy."

Dan pursed his lips, not too surprised when Phil disagreed with him. Still. It kind of hurt a little bit that Phil was saying he should stay away from him, even though it was to protect his work. Dan was an avid procrastinator at the best of times, so he kind of wanted to stay away from work whenever he could. Especially when he had Phil to care for.

"If I don't stay with you, I'll just be worrying about you all day," Dan argued, testing the water temperature with the back of his hands as he continued running the bath. "I can take days off if I need to. That's the good thing about being the boss, and PJ can handle things well enough on his own."

Phil bit his lip as Dan argued as to why he should be allowed to take the day off for Phil if he was still feeling sickly in the morning. It all sounded good, relaxed Phil and took away some of the guilt he felt at causing Dan any inconvenience, but it was still hard to agree with his witch that it would be okay for him to take time off from work. Mostly, Phil didn't want to be the cause, but he'd much rather have Dan with him than away, if he was being honest. He wasn't sure he would have slept as well as he had this afternoon if it hadn't been for Dan playing the part of his pillow.

"Okay. Fine. You can stay home tomorrow, but only if I'm too ill to function on my own." Phil had never even been ill before, so he really had no idea how he was going to feel come tomorrow. He just knew that today, he was unstable and felt like crap, his body covered in far too much sweat, and his head aching like someone was banging pots against the inside of his skull.

Satisfied that he’d gotten his way, Dan nodded once, and then went back to focusing on drawing a bath for Phil. Once the bath was full, Dan got to his feet and turned back to Phil, biting his lip. Part of him didn't want to leave Phil alone, not when he was unsteady on his feet or struggling with fever, but also, Dan thought that he might make Phil a bit uncomfortable if he stayed while he was getting into the bath. But still, he kind of didn't want to leave. He didn't even know for sure if Phil was going to be okay.

But they had the bond. That would be enough, wouldn't it? He'd know if Phil was having trouble, and then he could come back in.

"I'll leave you to wash," Dan mumbled, getting up to his feet. "You'll be alright?" He hovered, still uncertain about leaving Phil alone, but also really not wanting to make him any more uncomfortable.

Finally, the bath was ready, and Phil stood as he felt the turmoil start to feed through the bond. Earlier that morning Phil had wanted a bath as well, but he'd brushed it off with the fear that he couldn't do it alone, and the stray thoughts and worries about how it would be if he took the bath with Dan instead. He was still a little uncomfortable with the idea of Dan seeing him naked so early on, especially after he'd been harassed, and so he was relieved when Dan eventually settled on leaving Phil on his own.

Phil gave him a grateful grin, and nodded his head at his question.

"We have the bond. You'd know the instant I wasn't okay," Phil promised him, just as Dan had promised him that morning.

As soon as Dan had shut the door behind Phil, Phil was stripping out of his sweaty pajamas and climbing into the bath, the warm water feeling like bliss against his sticky skin.

**

While Phil was in the tub, Dan busied himself in the lounge, settling into the sofa with a good book rather than getting anything productive done, like washing up the dishes from earlier or remaking the bed. He was worried about Phil, yes, but he was also still exceptionally lazy. Besides, he rationed, if Phil needed help then it was far better Dan wasn't doing anything important that he couldn't leave immediately. So it was for the best that he was curled up with a book, really.

He managed to lose himself in the story for the length of time it took Phil in the bath, which was a good thing really because it meant he didn't spend every second worrying about whether or not Phil was coping by himself, or if he needed Dan in there but was just too scared or shy or embarrassed to ask. Dan understood that, really he did. He shuddered at the thought of Phil seeing him naked. But… there wasn't any pressure there. He hoped Phil knew that, that Dan would never take advantage or risk pushing something that neither of them wanted. Still, being naked was a new kind of vulnerable. It would be a hurdle to get over at some point.

They had the bond, though, Dan reminded himself. He'd know the second Phil was in any kind of trouble, because there were no shields up and he could feel the reminder that Phil existed buzzing away in the back of his skull, humming along in a constant reminder that Phil was alive and okay.

It felt like hours later when Phil finally felt warm and clean, body heavy and relaxed in the water, but the only problem was… well.

Dan, Phil whispered through the bond, a bit embarrassed and a lot shy.

Are you okay? came the panicked thought back. Phil grinned, feeling warmth blossom in his stomach.

Yes. I just... need help climbing back out of the bath. Uhm. If that's okay.

Phil's limbs felt too heavy to lift them, as he'd already tried, and while he was still anxious about Dan seeing him naked again, he was also feeling better - about everything. The long soak had left his limbs feeling warm and new, and his skin didn't have the same painful prickling sensation that it had gotten earlier that day after Heric had come onto him. He thought he might be okay, now, if Dan was willing to just help him climb out of the water and slippery tub.

The call for him came when Dan was just finishing the chapter, but he put the book away straight away and jumped up to his feet, heading towards the bathroom without question. He hesitated just outside the door, though, figuring that Phil must still be in the bath if he needed help getting out of it. Maybe that hurdle about the nakedness was coming sooner than Dan had anticipated.

Phil needed him, though, and Dan was determined to get over any awkwardness in order to keep Phil safe. So he hovered outside the door for just long enough to say into the bond, I'm coming in now. I promise I won't look...anywhere you don't want me to. He could feel that Phil was a little bit worried about this, so soothed him with gentle thoughts as he twisted the door handle and entered the room.

Dan made absolutely sure to keep his eyes on Phil's face and no lower as he approached slowly. He'd already determined not to make this awkward at all, and as such, he was going to treat this just like any other time he'd helped Phil through his illness. He'd do anything to make sure Phil was comfortable. "You said you needed help getting out?" Dan asked, proud when his voice didn't crack at all.

He balked just a bit when he realised this would involve him touching Phil's bare skin, but knew enough of where to draw the boundaries to be okay. He approached slowly, keeping his eyes on Phil's and not any lower, and offered his hands out, palm-up. "I won't touch you until you're ready. Just, take your time and then grab onto me, and I'll hold you steady while you step onto the rug, okay? And - wait --" Dan paused for just long enough to fish out a fresh towel, having it ready over his arm. "You can wrap up in this straight away. Alright?"

Dan was always so kind to Phil. It made him wonder why he'd worried so much about Dan having to help him out of the bathtub in the first place when already, before he'd even started to help, he was reassuring Phil and figuring out a way to do this so that it would be the least awkward for both of them, promising not to look anywhere that humankind deemed inappropriate and which made Phil nervous, especially after this morning. He didn't even much like the strange thing between his legs. He had one as a cat, but... not quite like this. It was strange, and uncomfortable, and weird, when he knew what humans often did with it.

The sight of the towel so close at hand helped to reassure Phil, and he took both of Dan's hands carefully in his, eyes locked on the warm brown of his witch’s, and allowed Dan to help pull him to his feet. He groaned at the sensation of his sore, sad muscles pulling, and he knew he wasn't much help, but Dan was strong enough to get him to his feet, gaze never once wavering from Phil's. Still, a blush spread across Phil's features as he realised just how exposed he was, and he did his best not to look away, needing the comfort of Dan's eyes on his.

"I've got you," Dan murmured. "Step over the ledge. I promise I'm not looking."

And he wasn't. He wasn't looking anywhere but at Phil's eyes, his hands secure in Phil's, and his words soft and comforting. Phil could feel him pushing soft, gentle thoughts at him, trying to reassure and comfort as best as he could, and, with shaking limbs, Phil managed to get his first foot out of the tub, and then the other. Instantly, Dan was letting go of his hands, reaching out instead to steady Phil by his shoulders while Phil snatched the towel and wrapped it around his body.

It was long. It started just under his armpits and descended down to his toes, covering every inch of him that mattered, and making him feel relaxed and safe. Once he was sure he had it secured, he looked back up at Dan to find that Dan was staring at something over his shoulder, gaze determined as he swallowed thickly.

Phil could feel his worry like a palpable force, and it made his heart warm.

"Okay. I'm decent," he teased, but even he could hear how quiet and unsure his own voice was.

Getting Phil out of the bathtub didn't take too long, which was good, though Dan was constantly assessing how unsteady he was on his feet to see whether the fever had worsened any. He'd be due another potion soon; in fact, Dan thought he'd just make a huge pot and leave it sitting in the fridge to administer to Phil whenever he needed it. Even though he'd demanded the stronger dose, Dan had no intention of letting him out of bed until he was fully recovered.

With his hands on Phil's shoulder, Dan kept staring over his shoulder at a fixed point on the wall, determined not to look. It wasn't just to make Phil comfortable, either - Dan didn't actually want to look. He'd always found it just… awkward when people were naked, and he avoided the sight of human flesh whenever he could. He'd fast forward TV shows that had too many of those scenes, so it was for his benefit as well as Phil's that he wasn't looking.

Only when Phil reassured him he was decent did Dan risk looking back at him, though he didn't stop holding his shoulders. Phil still looked a bit unsteady and flushed under the towel. Dan smiled at him, trying to reassure because he could still hear the slight tremor in Phil's voice that told him he wasn't fully comfortable yet.

"Okay, so now you don't smell, you need a potion," Dan nodded, "But first--" he wound his arms around Phil's shoulders and tugged him close, pulling him into a gentle hug. With the towel there he felt safe enough, but pulled back after a moment, not wanting to freak Phil out. He took Phil's hand in his and gently led him over to the door. "You can borrow a jumper of mine for now. We'll have to take you clothes shopping soon."

It came as a surprise when Dan pulled Phil in for a brief hug, and he didn't even have a chance to decide if he felt safe enough to hug him back before Dan was pulling away again. It was both a relief and a disappointment to find that Dan's arms were no longer around him, and Phil stared at him longingly but with confusion brewing in his heart.

Dan's fingers were around in his seconds, and he led Phil from the bathroom carefully, with Phil having to reach out and steady himself on the door jamb before Dan thought to wrap his arm around Phil's waist. One look at Dan's face told Phil that he hadn't neglected to think of it, but hadn't wanted to make Phil uncomfortable, and he relaxed completely against Dan, eyes flicking to his lips and the small frown there. He wondered what it would feel like to press his lips to Dan's, wondered if it would be nice, or weird.

He'd seen that kissing could be a prelude to passion, but... but they'd kissed before, and kisses to a person's neck were just as intimate as kissing on the lips. Surely it could be okay? Phil bit his lip. It felt like something that could be good, that could make Phil feel like... feel safe with Dan.

He didn't know what he was thinking. He wished he could ask Dan about it, but the other male already had enough to worry about with Phil being sick and weak as he was.

"I've never felt like this before," he murmured as Dan lead him back to his bedroom and settled Phil down before moving to find Phil a spare change of clothes to get into.

Dan was oblivious to Phil's thoughts for the moment, not noticing that Phil's eyes may have lingered on his lips for a little too long. He was too concerned with getting Phil settled somewhere safe while he found him some clothes, and then he'd feel comfortable enough to properly cuddle him again.

Something tore at his chest at his little murmur from Phil, and he spun away from his drawer for a moment, meeting Phil's sad gaze. He supposed it wasn't any wonder, not really. Still, Dan was curious. "Do familiars have illnesses?" he asked, turning back to his wardrobe and pulling out some loose trousers and a giant, fluffy jumper that Phil could curl up in. "Sadly, it's not uncommon for humans. I mean, it would put me out of a job, but I kind of wish there was a cure for them all. You're going to feel a bit rough for a few days, I'm afraid, but it also gives you an excuse to laze around and demand cuddles, so."

Phil had only half meant that he'd never felt ill before, when he’d said that he’d never felt like this before. The other part of him had meant the strange craving he was having. It was strange and foreign and bordering on possibly too much. Phil didn't know how it would feel if he pressed his lips to Dan's, but he did know he was feeling the urge to do so, and he'd never felt something like this before. Even back home, he'd been uninterested in the kinds of affections the other familiars sometimes shared with each other, so this was entirely new to him.

"Familiars don't have illnesses in their own world," Phil agreed quietly instead, not wanting to bring up what was on his mind right now, and understanding completely how Dan felt about being out of a job. He'd seen the horrible illnesses that could sometimes come upon the human world, and he'd never wanted to have to deal with those things himself, had always wished they didn’t exist. He'd been so happy and proud to know his witch was a healer, that Phil would get to learn how to help people instead of fearing the death of his witch from some horrible illness, and he could feel just how soft Dan’s heart was in the wish that illness was not so common.

It only made Phil want to kiss him more, and he didn't know how to feel about that.

"There are no viruses there. Maybe it's just a way to keep us safe until we find our witch. Some think it's a soulmate, meant to be kind of thing, but I've - I've seen the sad stories, too, and being unable to die in that world is not always such a positive thing," Phil explained softly, a little sadly, staring at Dan's back as he got out some clothes.

Dan considered what Phil had told him about familiars. It was interesting to think about how there was a society so close to their own world where illness didn't exist, full of creatures with wild magic and insanely strong bonds. Maybe they'd started to join with witches to keep everyone safe, so witches could learn stronger magic but the familiars didn't risk their own explosive magic. Illnesses and explosive magic probably didn't mix well, either, come to think of it. Dan recalled the storm clouds in his room from earlier and bit back a shudder.

Dan returned to Phil's side and pressed the clothes into his hands, biting his lip as he was met with another dilemma. He really didn't want to leave Phil alone when he was unsteady on his feet like this. "...How would you feel about changing behind the towel, if I held it up? I just don't want you to fall and hurt yourself," he explained all in a rush, suddenly desperate to make himself clear. "I don't want to look, or anything. I just… don't want you falling and cracking your head open if I'm not here to catch you."

Phil accepted the clothes from Dan quickly as he handed them to Phil, eager to get dressed again, and only paused in standing up when Dan looked at him and bit his lip, seeming unsure how he wanted to go about this. For one moment, Phil felt a thrill of fear that Dan was going to want to stay and watch, but then Dan was speaking up and rushing to explain to Phil how he just wanted to make sure that Phil didn't get hurt if he was left alone for too long.

Phil trusted Dan more than he trusted anyone in the world, so slowly, he nodded his head. "Okay," he agreed quietly, his voice shaking. "Uhm. Can you close your eyes for a second?" he asked, waiting for Dan to do so before he was unwrapping himself and gently pushing the towel into Dan's hands.

Instantly, Dan was lifting the towel in front of his face, spreading it out so he couldn't see Phil even if he wanted too, and Phil stood there, buck naked, just... wishing he could see Dan's eyes for that little bit of needed comfort.

He didn't want Dan to see him naked, no. He didn't like the thought of that at all, but he wanted Dan to see him, to look at him and reassure Phil that Phil wasn't... unwanted because of this. Sighing softly, Phil moved with shaking limbs to get changed, exhausted and sore all over.

Conversationally, he asked, "How do I avoid getting sick again?"

Dan hid behind the towel quickly, feeling his face beginning to flush despite himself. Being so close to a naked Phil was having a weird effect on him - not because he wanted to do anything, but because it showed a kind of trust and intimacy that he'd never had with anyone before. He didn't count his patients, because that was clinical, but caring for Phil was more than that. He actually wanted to make him feel better.

"There's not really much you can do to avoid it," Dan explained ruefully. "I can make something that should build up your resistance a bit, but basically, people can carry illnesses around and you wouldn't even know it." He could feel Phil's tension and upset, and sent calming thoughts through the bond. Just because he couldn't see Phil right then didn't mean Dan wasn't still right there for him. "You'll be alright though," Dan promised him quietly.

Phil pouted as Dan informed him that there was no real way for him to avoid getting sick, other than taking potions that would help him with his immunity to it all. He already knew he was going to jump on that possibility the second Dan was willing to brew those potions up, but he was still disappointed that he was always going have to deal with things like these - things that made him feel miserable and sore all over. The thought of it at all made him crave Dan's touch, but he wasn't changed yet, and he didn't want to make either of them uncomfortable. Dan was there with his soothing thoughts and emotions, though, and that helped until Phil had finished getting changed, letting Dan know in the hopes that he'd get cuddles now.

As soon as Phil said that he was changed, Dan dropped the towel and smiled warmly when he saw Phil standing there in a giant jumper looking very sorry for himself. He was just so cute that Dan couldn't resist reaching out to pull him into another hug, resting his chin on Phil's shoulder and pulling him close. He had the weird urge to be close to Phil again, touching him as much as possible, maybe out of some weird need to keep him safe from whatever illness was making him so miserable.

Phil did get cuddles then. Dan smiled warmly at him before dragging Phil into his arms and resting his chin on Phil's shoulder. Phil swallowed thickly as he wrapped his own arms around Dan's waist, fingers fitting just at the dip in his hip bones. He couldn't stop thinking about Dan's mouth and how much he wanted to kiss him there, though, and being so close to him wasn’t helping. There was a nervous thrum under Phil’s skin that made him feel like he was aching for that kind of intimacy, and it should have been terrifying, but it really wasn’t. The only terror came from Phil not knowing what Dan would think of the whole idea.

"How contagious am I?" he wondering, biting his lip, not wanting Dan to wonder about his silence and ask what he was thinking.

What if he just did it, and if he just kissed Dan, just like that? Could he do that? Or would that be considered rude? And if he was very contagious, wouldn't kissing Dan there threaten to give Dan the illness too?

"You're probably a bit contagious," Dan answered, though he didn't pull back from Phil even an inch, instead opting to speak into his shoulder. He had his arms around Phil, and Phil had his arms around Dan, and Dan really wasn't going to do anything to change that situation until he absolutely had to. "You don't have to worry about me, though. We've been eating the same food and sharing the same space, if I was going to catch it then I would have by now."

He rested his head on Phil's shoulder, pressing a small kiss to the crook of his neck just because it was there and he could. He could still feel that Phil was miserable and sore and probably tired from standing up so much, especially when he hadn't been sick like this before. He must be feeling really miserable. Dan wished he could just take it away, but other than giving Phil potions and lots of physical affection, there was really very little he could do.

Phil didn't understand illnesses. He'd seen a lot of it, knew from watching the human world for the first twenty-odd years of his life that not all of it was deadly and in fact many viruses were incredibly common and normal, but he still didn't understand them. Whatever he had, and he would eventually make Dan explain it to him, Dan apparently felt comfortable enough with that he didn't think he'd get it, and if he did, wouldn't mind it nearly as much as Phil currently did. He supposed, if he was right about this being a common thing, that this was a better thing to have than some of the other horrendous illnesses he'd sometimes seen while watching the world pass by below him.

Time passed so much differently in the human world than it did in his own. Phil was glad for that. He wanted to savor every second he had with Dan.

And part of savouring that was getting to have all the good things. Right now, Phil really wanted to kiss Dan. The urge was almost desperate and needy. He craved that intimacy, to the point where when Dan started to try and move him back out to the sofa so they could sit together and hopefully cuddle some more, he couldn't help staring at Dan's lips instead. His heart was racing in his chest, something warm and hot spreading out from it - nervous. It just felt... like something he needed. Something important. Kisses on each others skin, casual touching, it was all good and well, but Phil wanted more. Just a little more.

Would he even like it?

"Come here," Dan murmured, moving back to take Phil over to the sofa so they could sit. He got stuck on the way, though, because he made the mistake of looking into Phil's eyes, and Phil was staring straight at his lips. Dan swallowed, suddenly reminded of the urge to kiss Phil properly. It would be so easy to lean close and press their mouths together, but he didn't even think Phil knew about that. Phil would surely freak out again, wouldn't he?

But what if Dan brought it up?

Swallowing again, Dan moved a bit closer, unable to help himself. He was so close, his face mere inches away from Phil's by now. Dan drew in a slow, careful breath, and asked a little hoarsely, "Would you - um - how would you feel if I wanted to try something?"

Before he knew it, Dan was standing so close to his face that Phil went a little cross-eyed, huffing out a surprised breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding. His fingers were shaking, and Dan was staring at Phil's lips as well.

Phil's eyes flickered back to Dan's as he spoke.

"Good," Phil mumbled back. I'd feel good.

His eyes fluttered shut the way he'd seen happen in the movies, and he waited, unsure what to do with his trembling fingers and the anxiety brewing in his stomach, but certain, certain Dan was going to kiss him the way he wanted.

Dan froze, stock still, for half-a-second. He was a bit surprised by how Phil had gone pliant, how he'd closed his eyes and all but given Dan permission without even knowing what Dan was going to do. But, was that really true? They were close enough, similar enough, that there was a very good chance that Phil was on the same page as Dan, especially with how he'd been acting. He hadn't moved back from Dan, either, even though they were closer than they'd ever been.

Dan could take this opportunity. He'd never done this before, sure, didn't even know if he'd like it, but the urge was right there and Phil seemed agreeable to trying, at least. He could do it. Just a quick peck, just to test the waters. It didn't have to lead to anything more, and then he'd have satisfied his curiosity and could move on with life as normal.

Just once. He could try it just this once.

Nervous, Dan drew in another breath, then carefully took Phil's head between both his hands. He'd never done this before, no, but the movements were mostly instinctual as he closed the last bit of distance between them and pressed his lips to Phil's.

Phil's heart lurched in his chest the second Dan's hands touched his cheeks, cradling him there, soft and warm and everything he'd ever needed in his life. He hadn't realised just how insecure he'd been feeling about everything that had happened that morning until Dan was touching him in a way that Phil had never thought he would. It was one thing for Dan to still want to pet over his skin, reassure Phil that he still loved him despite the other cat having touched Phil in ways he didn't want to be touched, but to have Dan very intimately cradling his face like Phil was still the most precious and important thing to him meant the world.

He hiccupped on a little sad, choked up sound that he couldn't even explain, and just waited, desperate for Dan to kiss him. He wanted to be kissed, wanted to be shown that Dan in no way blamed or hated him for what had happened that morning. He didn't know why this mattered to him, but... but it was like Dan was showing him that Phil was still his.

Their lips touched, and it was like a fire had been lit between the two of them. Phil's heart went crazy, his breathing catching as their lips touched tentatively, and then a little more firmly, until Dan was tilting his head and kind of just... gently taking Phil's bottom lip between his own. It made Phil melt, absolutely melt against Dan, and he never wanted it to stop. He could feel this happy buzz under his skin, and his heart felt like it was soaring, he felt so close to Dan. When Dan pulled away, he nearly protested, chasing Dan's lips only for Dan to meet him halfway, silencing the tiny little whine Phil had let out. He kissed Phil again and again, nuzzling his lips against Phil's softly, sweetly, before trapping Phil's bottom lip between his again and sucking lightly, so lightly, in a motion that Phil mimicked the best he could.

Dan's eyes fell closed naturally, and before he knew it, he was pressing himself so close that he could feel Phil's heart beating through his chest. He'd been aiming for just a peck, but as soon as his mouth met Phil's, it was like he couldn't get enough. He drew back once, but straight away went back in, feeling Phil melt a bit against him. Dan completely lost himself to the moment, his movements slow and sweet and just as gentle as he'd always wished to be.

Their chests touched, and Phil could feel Dan's heart beat. It made him grin, giggle a little against Dan's lips, to feel his heart was racing as well, and he reached up to very lightly press the palms of his hands against Dan's chest. This felt like a moment he didn't want to break, and he found his body leaning into Dan's that little bit more, until Dan's fingers were tracing gentle lines against his cheeks.

It was good. It was better than Phil had anticipated, soft and sweet and good in every way. He thought he could get used to it, could enjoy having it happen more often, but something told him it wasn't something he'd always crave. It was special, something to hold onto on good days, and today was one of those days.

When they finally pulled away, Phil's face was red and his lips curved up in a soft smile. His eyes caught Dan's easily enough, and he nearly melted all over again at the softness contained there.

Phil didn't know what to say, so he dropped his head into the crook of Dan's neck, and just breathed their lightly, mouth still tingling from where Dan had kissed him.

Dan, weirdly, had the urge to laugh. Well, not laugh exactly, more like let out a little giggle that encompassed so much of his happiness and confusion and affection for Phil just then. So he did, giggling just a little, and moved his arms to wrap firmly around Phil's shoulders, holding him against him. Phil's head was resting in the crook of Dan's neck, and Dan laid his cheek on top of Phil's head, resting in his hair. He relished in the feeling of having Phil in his arms.

They'd done it. They'd kissed. And it was… good. Good in a way that Dan hadn't been expecting. He really had been just intending a quick peck, only then Phil had kissed him back and Dan had sort of melted into it. It was easy to be guided by Phil's movements, to hold him and nuzzle into him because it felt right. The answering burst of warmth that spread across Dan's chest told him that he had definitely enjoyed the kiss.

Dan savoured the moment, holding Phil tight against him. He never thought he'd want this, never thought he'd even have the opportunity to try. Now he'd had a go, though, Dan thought he could quite like kissing. At least some of the time, anyway.

More than that, though, Dan was definitely a fan of cuddling. He loved the way Phil was pressed against him just then, close enough that he could feel both their hearts beating. Having Phil standing in his clothes and in his arms was… actually really nice in a way Dan hadn't been expecting.

"Come here," Dan murmured, and this time managed to successfully manoeuvre them both until they were settled on the sofa in the lounge. He'd not wanted to go to the bed, not quite happy with what that could imply - they'd gone far enough, and Dan was absolutely certain he'd never want to go any further.

As soon as they were settled on the sofa, though, Dan had his arm around Phil's shoulder and was firmly tugging until he managed to get Phil pressed against his chest. He held him there, leaning in to press another kiss to the top of Phil's head, and murmured, "Was that okay? I feel like we should talk about that."

If Phil had been a cat, he'd be purring right then and there. He felt so good and like his insides had been lit on fire in the best way, and Dan's arms were around him, his head pressed right to the top of Phil's. Surely nothing in life could be better than this moment right here, where Dan was holding him and comforting him and reassuring him that everything was okay. That Phil was his, and that nothing could ever change that. He sighed, melting against Dan, happy that they could touch so fully like this and be okay, and wasn't even distressed by Dan speaking up just to tell Phil to come with him.

He moved easily, pliant in Dan's arms, climbing onto the sofa and leaning into Dan the moment he reached out for him. By the time they'd gotten settled, Phil was pressed into Dan's chest again, and it felt amazing. His body was sprawled out feline-like with Dan holding him tightly, pressing soft kisses to his head.

"More than okay," Phil agreed in a small rumble, sighing and smiling happily. He'd never had something like that, hadn't known if he would like it, and now he was certain that he did. That he could enjoy something a lot more special than anything else they'd done so far. Glancing up at Dan's worried face, Phil leaned in and pressed a kiss to his cheek, too nervous to try chastely kissing Dan on the lips again. "We can talk about it," he agreed. "Are you okay? Was it okay with you? I... I liked it. A lot. I don't know if I always will, but..." Phil trailed off, pressing his face into Dan's chest again for comfort.

Dan relaxed at the reassurance that Phil was happy, that he had liked to be kissed, and Dan hadn't inadvertently made him uncomfortable. He tightened his grip, cradling Phil against him as Phil pressed his face into his chest, and laughed a bit at Phil's own questions in return. "Oh, no, I definitely liked it," Dan assured him, chest rumbling with warmth and laughter and happiness.

He'd never felt like this before. He never thought he would feel like this. Right now, this was… wonderful, in a homey, contented sort of way.

"I was more worried about you," Dan explained, nudging his face gently against Phil's hair, breathing him in. "After that horrible cat last night, and with how sick you are… I didn't want to take advantage. Honestly, I've been thinking about kissing you all day." Dan's face screwed up a bit at that confession. "I wasn't even sure you knew what it was. But I'm really glad you liked it, I think… I think that's something we can do more often, if not all the time."

It made Phil smile instantly to know how worried Dan had been for him. The best feeling was knowing that Dan would never do something that Phil didn't want, that he'd always look out for him and tread carefully when things were bad. Phil could understand how Dan would have been afraid of kissing Phil after this morning, and he pulled back from his arms to give him a reassuring smile.

"I think... I needed that, after this morning," Phil admitted. "I - I was scared you wouldn't want me, or like me anymore. I don't know, I was just. Scared. Even with all the comfort and the way you gave me what I needed. I couldn't stop thinking about you kissing me either, and I thought... I thought it could be good. It made me feel safe. Like I was yours." Phil hoped he'd explained that right, that Dan would understand and not worry anymore that he'd done something wrong.

He most definitely had not done something wrong, and Phil's lips still felt electric.

"It was special. It made me feel special. It made me feel loved," Phil murmured, and tucked his face into Dan's neck again, cuddling there. He liked the small space. It felt like home, and was somewhere he liked to put his face when he was a cat as well. It was the perfect little nook for Phil. He was bursting with affection for Dan.

"I know from your memories that it can often be a prelude to something more... and I was scared, but you promised I'd never have to do that, so I trusted it would be okay. And it was." Phil pulled back again, restless as he was, to grin at Dan and take his face in his hands. His fingers caressed Dan's cheeks the way Dan had caressed his earlier.

"I love you," he murmured. "It's something special, to have that. I want... I think I want that sometimes."

Having Phil hiding away in the crook of his neck was quickly becoming one of Dan's favourite things. This way, he could wrap himself completely around Phil and surround him in warmth, while getting the joy of having a warm, wriggling body pressed tight to his own. Dan closed his eyes and cradled Phil there, heart bursting with warmth that Phil had been thinking about it too, that he'd wanted to kiss him too. That made everything so much better.

When Phil leaned back, Dan grumbled a bit at losing his comfortable resting place, but then Phil was cupping his face carefully and reassuring Dan that he loved him. Dan smiled widely, dimples appearing, and reached up to wind his arms around Phil's back, drawing him closer.

"I love you too," he murmured, eyes bright and darting all over Phil's face. He'd never imagined he'd have this, that he'd be able to hold someone and love someone like this. "I like the sound of sometimes. Whenever we feel like it. I know what you mean. It felt like… I was yours, too."

Phil was relieved to hear that Dan understood exactly where Phil was coming from and how he felt. He'd been afraid that it was... weird to cling to the want to belong to Dan, was afraid that it would press too close to home for Dan and make him repulsed and awkward again. Phil would never mind when Dan was having a bad day, but the idea of Phil wanting to belong to Dan causing Dan anxiety broke Phil's heart, so this was good. This was great. This was... everything Phil had hoped for and more because Dan was reassuring Phil that they could have that reassurance anytime they felt they needed it.

"You are mine," Phil teased, and leaned in to very gently press his lips to Dan's again. This time, it was nothing more than lips pressing to lips, moving lightly against each other's for a second before Phil was pulling away again and pushing his hand through Dan's hair to card his fingers there. It felt nice, touching Dan like that, and Phil sighed as he moved to sprawl across Dan's chest and rest his head over his heart again.

"As nice as it feels to kiss you," Phil mumbled, "I do still feel like crap. Am I getting my bigger dose today?" he whined, his head still pounding and something sharp and kind of painful pricking at his throat.

Dan snickered a bit when Phil sprawled against him again just after they'd shared quite a special moment in Dan's opinion. Having Phil kiss him, initiating it himself the first time… now that was something special. Especially as it was more an affectionate peck than a deep kiss, the sweetness of that moment made Dan feel treasured and loved in a way that fully respected him.

He wrapped an arm around Phil and chuckled, pressing his face into the top of Phil's hair. "The fussiest patient ever, you are. Yes, I'll make you up that potion as soon as you let me move." He tightened his grip around Phil, though, wanting to keep him in place rather than head off to do something just then, even though Phil must be feeling terrible.

Phil made a pitiful whining noise when Dan teased him again, telling Phil that he was going to have to let Dan go if he wanted Dan to make him that potion. Unwilling to do so, Phil moaned a little about it, ecstatic when Dan didn't attempt to get up, but rather tightened his own hold around Phil to keep him in place. Phil nuzzled at his chest, glad he could do so, and happy for the distraction from his pounding head. He wondered if this was going to get worse, and had the terrible feeling that it would.

Dan swept the sweaty hair off Phil's forehead, feeling for his temperature again. He gave a quiet hum. "Yeah, you've still got a bit of a fever I'm afraid. Still dizzy and hot?" At Phil's miserable nod, Dan drew him in and nuzzled lightly at his head. "Don't worry. I give you full permission to be as needy as you like until this has gone away."

Dan's fingers were nice and relaxing and cold as he swept Phil's fringe from his eyes and instead pressed his hand to his forehead. It took Phil a moment to register that every time Dan did that, he was attempting to check Phil's temperature, checking if he was okay or not. It made Phil grin, and he closed his eyes as Dan touched him.

"You shouldn't give me permission," Phil whined. "I'll just drive you nuts." But Phil was secretly glad that Dan was going to allow him to be as needy as he wanted, and decided that, if Dan wasn't going to try and get up to make Phil's potion, Phil would just lay here and sleep instead.

He didn't actually expect to drift off, but his head did hurt, and no one could really blame him after all.

Dan chuckled. "You already drive me nuts, so really it can't hurt at all." He threaded his fingers soothingly through Phil's hair, savouring the feeling of just having him close again. Having someone pressed against him like this was a new and rather beautiful sensation, and it felt intimate in a warm, safe way - exactly what Dan craved.

He smiled when Phil nuzzled against him, apparently making himself quite comfortable and deciding not to move again. Dan didn't really mind acting as a Phil-pillow though. At least, not for now. The feelings of being trapped were much less when they were lying this way, with Phil in Dan's arms, and for the moment Dan was absolutely living for it. There wasn't much he'd want to trade this for.

Still, it did kind of suck that Phil was feeling so miserable. Dan could feel through the bond that he was truly uncomfortable and unused to the feeling of being sick, and Dan sighed. What kind of healer was he, if he couldn't even take care of his own familiar...

Wait. Dan was a healer. What kind of idiot was he?! There was more to his magic than just potion making, but he'd been so distracted by his new, weird urge to kiss Phil that he'd all but forgotten it. Dan berated himself internally as he stroked through Phil's hair again, gathering up his magic.

"I'm testing something - don't freak out," Dan whispered to Phil, trusting that his familiar would trust him. With no further explanation he opened up the bond, nudging delicately at it, and felt his way carefully into Phil's mind. When Dan was healing patients, he usually had to rely on them telling him where it hurt before he could centre his magic, but with Phil he could just use the bond to see for himself. It allowed him to be much more precise.

The illness seemed focused on Phil's head, where he felt fuzzy and miserable, though his bones and joints were aching as well. While Dan had yet to find a cure for a fever, there were things he could do to ease its passing. Gently, he nudged his magic over the sore bits, adding gentle comfort and draining away painful fluid or tiredness wherever he found it. He was careful not to use too much of his magic, though, having learned his lesson about exhausting himself.

When Dan drew away, he threaded his hands back through Phil's hair, the leftover resonants of his magic tingling under his skin. "How's that?" he asked gently. "Any better?"

Dan's voice was gentle against his ears, pressing against him and nudging Phil awake enough to take in what Dan was saying. Phil's heart skipped a beat for a moment, and he tensed, unsure, but he quickly found himself relaxing and humming against Dan, doing his best to inform him that Phil would trust him and wouldn't freak out.

Phil did trust him, after all, regardless of how terrifying the whole thing was, being half-asleep with a headache and no proper idea of what Dan was attempting to do.

Then the magic touched him, and Phil felt Dan pressing against his mind, asking for access to their bond in a more intimate way than normal, but nowhere near as close as he'd come the last two times he'd had to heal Phil. It was strange not to be pressed nearly soul to soul, but it was also good, and Phil relaxed further as he realised what Dan was trying to do, the cooling touch of his magic intertwining a bit with Phil's own warmer magic, and soothing over aches and pains in Phil's head.

It was wonderful. It was always a wonderful sensation when Dan healed him, touching parts of him that only Dan ever could or would be allowed to, and soothing over them like a cool massage.

Dan's magic was a beautiful thing as well. With their souls not quite touching, Phil could actually see it as more like an observer, from further away. It was blue and cooling, like Phil's eyes, whereas Phil could see his own twining with Dan's in a hot burst of red so dark it was nearly black. It reminded Phil of Dan in that way, and he liked the way the two colors looked when they collided in Phil's mind.

By the time Dan had pulled back, Phil could even feel that his nose was less... heavy feeling. He could breathe easier, and he hadn't even noticed before that there had been sinus pressure on top of everything else.

While Phil didn't feel amazing, he did feel good, and that was more than he could have asked for.

"Much," Phil murmured, letting out a gentle sigh. He was lying more on his back, now, practically between Dan's legs with his head lolling just under his chin. He looked up at Dan's gentle gaze, watched as his fingers threaded through his hair, and smiled softly. "Thank you."

Dan grinned, proud of himself when Phil admitted to feeling better. He was always pleased when his work as a healer paid off, but it meant something more when it was Phil he'd finally managed to do something good for. After all the damage he'd done at the start, it only seemed right that Dan made up for it now.

Looking at Phil now, sprawled between his legs with his head resting comfortably against Dan's neck, it was hard to imagine that Dan had almost rejected Phil back then. His life would seem so… empty without Phil in it now. Dan was getting used to there being two people in his flat.

He was also getting used to having Phil in his arms. He smiled when Phil looked straight up at him, and bent down to press another tiny, chaste kiss to Phil's lips. "No problem. You tell me when you feel bad again, alright?" he pressed another quick kiss to Phil's lips before leaning back, wrapping his arms around him and sighing happily. It felt… good, to be able to kiss Phil whenever he wanted.

Phil was humming in lieu of purring, the feeling bursting through him with a need to come out as Dan pressed two more soft, chaste kisses to his lips. That feeling was an incredible one, the most amazing sensation Phil had ever enjoyed, and he had no idea what to do with himself as Dan kept causing it over and over again. He just wanted to melt into the feeling, melt into Dan and never let go.

Which he technically could, and technically was doing as he lay sprawled out in Dan's lap, nestled between his legs, still feeling ill but nowhere near as ill as before. He wondered if what Dan had done would help his illness heal faster, or if it would just help the symptoms for the time being, but as Dan requested that he tell him when it hurt again, Phil nodded sleepily and peered up at Dan quietly.

Watching the light play across his features, and the way he looked when he was watching Phil, it was... something different, something special. There was a softness to Dan that Phil hadn't gotten to see nearly as much as he would have liked, and he felt special having that attention now.

They spent most of the day resting lazily like that, with Phil securely wrapped in Dan's arms. Dan, at some point, reached out to switch the TV on, making Phil grumble at having to be moved. Dan poked his nose and chuckled, but he'd promised to let Phil be as needy as he had to be for the rest of the day. Not that Dan was exactly complaining when he got to lie back and study Phil all day.

Dan had sent PJ a message earlier explaining that Phil was sick and he had to take the day off, and PJ had immediately replied saying that he'd take care of it. There was an undertone to his text that implied he expected Dan to take this time to iron out any more creases in his relationship with Phil, but as Dan held Phil in his arms, ran his fingers through his hair, and listened to his pleased humming, Dan would say that all creases were now smooth.

One of the most special things about Phil was how warm he was. With him pressed right up against his chest like this, Dan basically had his own personal radiator, and he couldn't be happier. Dan had a tendency to get cold, but having Phil around made that all but impossible.

After many hours curled up together that Dan really didn't want to leave, he stirred at the thought that he really should make that potion up for Phil. It was starting to get dark outside, and much as he loved watching old sitcoms with Phil and explaining which bits were realistic human culture and which bits weren't, he knew Phil would be feeling rough again soon and would want another potion.

So Dan gave a half-hearted push at Phil's shoulder, stretching out as much as he could. "Let me up? I'm going to make your potion. Also, my legs are asleep. You're heavy," he teased with a gentle smile, ruffling Phil's hair in affection.

Phil dozed on and off for the rest of the day. He felt really fuzzy anytime he was awake, but Dan was also always right there and ready to press delicate kisses all over Phil's head should he look like he needed it - and Phil made sure to look like he needed it as often as he could, because he loved the way it felt to have Dan pressing kisses all over his head, his fingers soft and warm against Phil's skin wherever he was touching - Phil's arms, his forehead, occasionally his sides.

It took a long time for Phil to register the fact that he'd slept through the night the previous day, and that Dan had called in sick without Phil's permission or knowledge at some point during one of Phil's naps, but he was too tired at that point to complain, much more interested in cuddling up to Dan and being as needy as he possibly could be.

It wasn't until much later that Dan finally nudged Phil to budge off of him, and he did so with a tired groan as he rolled over and shoved his face into the sofa cushions, waving Dan off as he teased Phil and reassured him that he was just going to leave and make the potion. Too tired to argue, let alone care, Phil just let him go, and sighed as his heavy eyelids slipped shut again and he was left to doze some more.

When he finally woke again, Dan was helping Phil into a sitting position with soft, murmured words of encouragement while he pressed something to Phil's lips, urging him to drink. The smell was pungent and disgusting, making Phil's stomach twist with distaste, to the point where he shook his head and refused it. Dan didn't give up easily, though, and through his muddled thoughts, Phil grew pliant and just did as he was told.

"... hungry? Feel bad again?" Dan was asking, but Phil's mind was too wrecked to really pay any attention, and he pitched forward and into Dan's arms instead of answering, nearly whining at the feeling of cold limbs wrapping back around him. The world was moving a lot, and Phil didn't like it, scrambling to catch hold of Dan's shirt and shove his face back into what he hoped was his neck.

An armful of a sick Phil was a heavy one, as it turned out, as well as an incredibly cute one. Dan chuckled softly, helping him back onto the sofa and staying close enough that Phil's head was buried in his neck. Dan used one hand to stroke softly through his hair, nuzzling into him, while his other wrapped tight around Phil's long body to keep him in place.

Phil was trembling a bit. He looked really miserable, too, and through the bond Dan was getting various senses of discomfort and misery. It tugged at Dan's chest to know Phil was suffering and he couldn't do anymore for it. Still. He could at least hold Phil against him, comfort him with touches and soft words.

Phil hadn't answered Dan if he was hungry with anything more than a whine, so Dan decided he could wait a while longer. Dan pressed a kiss to the top of his head and held him a while longer, murmuring, "Oh, Phil. It won't last forever, I promise." Figuring loud noises might not actually help his headache, though, Dan spoke through their bond instead, nudging gently against it. I've got you. Do you need to eat?

Phil was disgruntled. He'd thought he was feeling better, and now he'd crashed into a misery unlike any other he'd ever known. His throat hurt, his head was pounding, and he couldn't seem to focus on anything. Being asleep was better than being awake, but Dan's arms were around him and he was holding Phil so gently that Phil didn't really want to sleep. He wanted to focus on Dan's cool hands against him.

He startled a bit as Dan suddenly nudged at the bond, seeming to find that an easier way to communicate now than speaking verbally, and Phil made a small noise of contentment. Not hungry, he complained, pressing his nose into Dan's skin and inhaling deeply. Had he found his neck? Phil wasn't sure, but he kissed him anyway.

Shouldn't have stayed home, he complained, but clung tighter to Dan's shirt anyway. For as grumpy as he was, he didn't mind owning up to being needy at this point.

Dan's lips twitched. Despite Phil's apparent misery, he was still pretty good at clinging to Dan and kissing at his neck. The feeling there had a slight tremor running down Dan's spine, but it wasn't overwhelming or especially unpleasant, so Dan dealt with it in favour of keeping Phil curled up like this against him.

Phil's feline nature was never truly hidden. Even now, when he was most definitely a human, he was curling around Dan just like a cat seeking attention. Dan was more than happy to give it to him, shuffling back a bit against the cushions so he could hold Phil more securely against him.

If you're sure, Dan answered back, feeling the familiar thrum of intimacy at speaking like that, in the privacy of their bond. He could feel Phil's neediness as he clung to Dan, and Dan sighed softly, nuzzling against Phil's hair. Hey, I can call off sick whenever I want. Besides, I've got a patient up here to be caring for.

I'm sure, Phil managed. It was always easier to speak through the bond like this, less of a strain especially when he was tired, but today his mind just felt a little frazzled, and it didn't feel quite as easy. He hummed anyway, and nuzzled into Dan with a sleepy little yawn. Just don't want to ruin your day, Phil added gently, pressing his body into Dan's a little more tightly now that the world had stopped seeming to move, and Dan seemed a more solid mass.

He wondered if this was upsetting Dan, if having Phil all over him was maybe too much, but Dan hadn't complained so far, so Phil just let himself curl up against him the same way he would have done had he been in cat form. Part of him wondered if he'd be happier as a cat right then, and considered making the change.

Would it be averse if I changed forms? How would it affect the virus if I was a different host, he wondered. He couldn't just change forms every time he got sick, though. Dan had mentioned being largely immune from exposure over the years. Maybe Phil just needed to wait this one out.

Dan furrowed his brows, making a small noise of interest. He hadn't actually considered that before - that Phil might be able to change forms, and how that would affect the illness. He considered it, now, with his fingers absent-mindedly running through Phil's hair.

I don't honestly know, he answered after a few moment's thinking. Animals have different illnesses to humans. It may well be that it can't follow your biology into cat form - although you being a familiar might change that. Magic tends to confuse biology, or at least, familiar magic does. Dan's tone was warm, and he nosed affectionately at Phil's hair, cradling him in his arms. His thumb had found a sliver of skin showing beneath Phil's giant jumper, and he was rubbing it affectionately.

You should be able to try it without risk, Dan offered up. And I'll be right here to help if something goes wrong. If you'd be more comfortable as a cat, I see no reason why you can't at least try it. He kissed the top of Phil's head. And don't worry about my day. As if I'd complain when I get to have you in my arms.

Phil felt a shiver of warmth run up his spine as Dan's finger found a sliver of skin just under his jumper to play with. He mewled at the soft touch, and cuddled in deeper to Dan's arms. There was nothing he liked more than having Dan hold him like this, and he could feel Dan pressing his nose against his hair, which was also a nice feeling. Everything with Dan was just generally a nice feeling.

Phil knew Dan was right, though. Familiar magic was a strange thing, and it had already proven to have strange effects in the human world than it had had in his own world. It made him a little bit worried about changing forms, but he'd much rather be a cat right then, even if it didn't keep him feeling so miserable. He was too achy in this giant, lanky form, unsure what to do with himself and where to lay to keep himself from aching too much.

His fur would make him feel even more warm than he already did, though, and he wondered if it would be worth it to switch forms.

He smiled as Dan told him how much he liked having Phil in his arms, and nuzzled into him again, breathing out a laugh.

Shush, he teased, but he hoped Dan could feel all the warm feelings him saying that had given Phil.

He contemplated trying to change form again for a short while before finally deciding to just go ahead and go for it, relaxing against Dan in order to focus on his magic instead. It was becoming closer to instinctual to make the change now, and Phil could feel the rush of magic pouring over him, but the pain of change never came. Puzzled, Phil tried again, and then again, and then again, but nothing happened other than a sudden sharp pain in his head that made Phil moan and collapse against Dan.

Dan watched with concerned eyes as Phil evidently attempted to change form again. However, nothing happened, other than Dan feeling the strong bursts of magic that exploded through the bond sharply enough that he winced. Phil felt it too, it seemed, as he collapsed against Dan with a groan and instantly tried to bury his face back in Dan's neck.

Shh, shh, Dan whispered through the bond instantly, instinctively grabbing for Phil and cradling him against his chest. He threaded his fingers through Phil's hair, attempting to soothe the pain he could feel building there. He wished so desperately for Phil to be well, to be calm and no longer hurting. Remembering what had seemed to make Phil melt against him before, Dan ran a hand down to just push under Phil's jumper lightly, and kept his thumb stroking against the skin just above his hip. He didn't stray any further than that, not wanting to make Phil any more uncomfortable.

I've got you, it's alright, shh, Dan continued to murmur steadily into the bond, keeping up a stream of cool comfort from his own end. He could feel that Phil was uncomfortably hot, and too uncomfortable to think very clearly, but Dan could gather that he wasn't able to transform. Dan grimaced a bit, wishing he could make Phil comfortable. As it was, he lay back against the cushions and cradled Phil against his chest, gently running his fingers through Phil's hair.

So I'm guessing it didn't work, he added after a moment's calm silence. It's okay. Let the potion work, that was a strong draught. It's probably still making its way through your system.

Instantly, Dan was shushing him and holding him, rubbing his fingers against the small bit of skin he'd been petting earlier as well, and just generally being incredibly kind and sweet and comforting. Phil's head, though, was spinning, and it was nearly impossible to think straight past Dan's murmured reassurances. Those were enough to keep him sane for now, though, and he sunk into the sensation of Dan holding him and comforting him and showing Phil as much love as he could.

Didn't work, he agreed miserably, wishing more than anything now that he could be a cat snoozing away over Dan's heart, rather than an over-sized grown up with achy limbs and probably grossly sweaty skin. He wondered if he smelled again, and then pushed the thought away. He wanted to pull out of Dan's arms, but he didn't have the strength, and ended up just laying there instead, curled up against his witch and wishing he could get all better now.

He didn't notice it when he drifted off to sleep again, but when he finally did, it was because his body had began to react to the potion Dan had given him, and the pain was receding slowly but surely.

Dan kept holding Phil, soothing him with words and gestures and feelings pressed through their bond as best he could to keep him calm. There was still a lot of pain apparently wracking through Phil's body, and his head was hurting and it made Dan's heart ache. He checked Phil's forehead again to find the fever still there, and Dan sighed. If this went on any longer then he was going to have to consider making a different potion, or trying a different spell.

For now, Phil had seemed to drift into sleep. Dan petted at his hair, pursing his lips as he thought. He'd treated many fevers before, seen stronger ones than this, but never had they been someone as close to him as Phil was. It tugged at Dan's heart to see someone he loved suffering - and there was yet another reminder that Dan really did love Phil.

He paused, letting the emotion fill him, letting himself relax into it rather than running from it. He could learn to be happy that he had someone like Phil in his life - in fact, it was already hard to imagine what he'd been like before Phil. Dan knew he'd been alright on his own, happy even, but he hadn't known a happy like this could exist. It just came with some downsides, too - like suffering when Phil was suffering, like cursing himself for not being able to heal Phil straight away.

With Phil sleeping, Dan allowed himself to worry. He was rational, a healer, so he knew Phil didn't have anything serious, but still… it hurt to have Phil so pained. In fact, Dan's mind helpfully supplied him with everything that could possibly go wrong, with all the reasons Phil might be suffering, hidden symptoms he could have of something far more serious. Dan shook his irrational thoughts away, and held Phil tighter, determined to stay right here with Phil in his arms until Phil was well enough to hold him back again.

(Next)

#ace phan #aro phan #iwritephanthings #phan #phan rp #phanfic #phanfiction #snowbunnylester

[abriefhistoryoftim-blog]

Dream of Black Dragon

I like to sleep in in the morning, even though I get up at 6:30 a.m. to drive my daughter to the station where she gets the train to school. Otherwise she would have to walk for about fifteen minutes to get there. That’s not such a long walk, especially when you consider that I used to get up at 5:00 a.m. when I was her age to deliver The Washington Post on a paper route that was more than a mile from my home. I’d be walking or running for more than an hour every day (weekends and holidays included… every day!) before I could get back home and take a shower, get dressed for school and walk outside to catch the school bus that came about the same time my daughter rolls out of bed. 

That might sound like I worked hard, and I hope it does, because I like to imply that I work hard. Ben Franklin, who as Poor Richard condemned generations of boys to their dad’s disapproval by writing trite advice they couldn’t follow, like “early to bed, early to rise…”, was basically lazy. But he knew the importance of keeping up good appearances, which might be the real lesson schoolboys can learn from him. In Paris, he loved to stay in bed with his pretty French girlfriends till noon when he was supposed to be negotiating treaties. Of course he wasn’t fooling anybody.  Doing something against your nature every day doesn’t change your nature, so I like to sleep in in the morning despite delivering papers every day for five years. Five years!

So I drive my daughter to the train station in my pajamas, which is often just a tee-shirt and shorts or sweat pants but is sometimes certifiable Marks and Spencer striped pajamas that scream “too lazy to get dressed!” Then I come back home and - whenever possible - I close the dark mauve colored curtains in my bedroom – if they’d even been opened – and slip back under the covers of my bed and sleep as late as I possibly can without being more than two or three minutes late for my first appointment of the day.  That’s sometimes 9:00 or 9:30 but is definitely after 10:00 if I have any choice in the matter. I can sleep till exactly an hour before my appointment and not be more than three minutes late. I usually set my alarm for an hour and a half before my first appointment, but then I ignore it and get up exactly one hour before. That extra little bit of sleep that I can sometimes grab after the trip to the train station is when I usually have my most memorable dreams. And it was this week that I had the dream that was what I wanted to tell you about. This dream, though, was deep in the middle of the night.

I was trekking across a very dark and desolate landscape with some guy, a literally faceless companion who might have been the real monster for all I know. In retrospect, I realize the setting definitely looked like something from a dream, though that didn’t occur to me at the moment or even when the more dream-like incident that I’m about to tell you about happened. It all seemed utterly convincing at the time. I remember a kind of crunching feeling underfoot and a musty smell in the air, which seemed an odd contrast to the foggy but wide open landscape around me. As we walked up a small trail that led to the top of a slight rise, the whole of the opposite horizon, which had been obscured by the ridge, came into view. 

In the distance and through the fog, I could see a little village scattered against a tree line and set before an enormous and dark mountain that rose up behind it. The village wasn’t more than a dozen little cottages, small barns, and a small wooden silo or steeple spread here and there among some trees and fences. From the distance, each of of the little homes and barns was tiny and indistinct, blurry from the fog in the air, the waning light of twilight, and the distance. But taken together in one glance, from that distance, after what felt like an endless journey that had had no beginning, with this creepy companion, that village was everything that I could ever hope for.

I was suddenly suffused with a feeling that the village was reaching across that distance, offering the warmest hospitality, the sincerest invitation, the coziest place of rest that one could hope for. Settling into one of those cottages for the night, I would soon experience the kind of comfort that makes a person forget there’s a heaven, or not even care, because no place could be better than this. The stew, the cider, the stories and laughter that I was about to experience with the friends I was about to meet would become part of who I am, one of the memories that provide solace to me as I lay in my bed dying of old age, neglected by loved ones who are too busy with their own lives. As I turned to my companion to share our good fortune with a smile, I saw something that immediately banished all the thoughts of stew and laughter and made me shudder with fear. To cope with what was in front of him, my companion had suddenly grown a face, and looking past me across the distance in the direction of the village, he wore an expression of complete and transfixed horror.

His expression was so disturbing, so much worse than a faceless man, that it jolted me to look away from him and back toward the village and what he was looking at. In the first moment though, I only saw the same welcoming village, framed below me like a portrait of Bethlehem, welcoming weary travelers despite offering only the humblest accommodation. But when I lifted my eyes above the scene into the darkening sky, I saw an awesome and terrible sight. A black dragon, half as big as the sky, crouched behind the village. In the waning light, the bulk of its huge body had appeared to be an enormous black mountain. Its forearms lay on either side of the village as its gigantic torso rose straight into the sky above. 

To see the dragon’s head, I had to lean back, practically tilting back on my heels. I might have taken a step back. The dragon’s black body was so huge that that it blocked almost the entire horizon behind the village. His head rose so high that it seemed to belong there, a natural part of the night sky, like the moon. He looked down at the village with bright eyes that sparkled like a pair of stars, but the only motion of his body was a slight swaying of his neck from side to side.

We stood there for a long time looking down at the village that in my mind had just recently been my home for the night. Then we would slowly look up again at the dragon. Due to its enormity, it was impossible to see the dragon and the village all at once. So we slowly looked up and down, again and again, gazing in awe. We stood there looking for such a long time that the last twilight faded and darkness slowly seeped over everything until it was so dark that I felt like my eyes were closed. When I opened them, it was still very dark, so I closed them again. I lay there in my bed thinking about the village and the dragon for so long that I felt like I was standing there on the ridge again. Maybe I was. I hadn’t moved, and I still couldn’t see anything, but I knew they were both still there, the village below and the black dragon above.

I thought about the villagers who lived down there beneath the dragon and I knew that I was one of them. I couldn’t remember leaving, but I knew that’s where I had come from. That’s why they had felt like my family and why I had to go back down there, despite the dragon. There was no avoiding him. Most of the villagers, including me, would just try to ignore him and get on with our daily chores. But could we really forget him, looming over us there day and night? How could we? How could we even try to forget him? Most of us would just never look up. It was coming back to me now, how we would busy ourselves so we didn’t have to look up.

The funny thing is, in the dream, the dragon just stood there, swaying a bit. He seemed kind of harmless. It’s easy to say that now that I’m awake, of course. He did look vast, majestic, dark and awesome, definitely, but also kind of harmless. Of course he could lean down and torch us at any moment or, less dramatically but more likely, just step on us and squish us into jelly. Why not? It’s what you would expect of a giant dragon.  But maybe he would just stand there, looking over us as we grew old worrying about things that never come to pass, feeling helpless about things we can’t change, and trying to be something we’re not. Maybe he would just stand there and do nothing but sway. The embodiment of all our fears might always be right there behind us but turn out in the end to be nothing more than a harmless part of the landscape.