#just to stress her out all year

[sneebles-corner]

true immortality is so fun to think about in the long run

like vampires? you can still kill them. but true immortality is SO incredibly fascinating because the way i see it is that ur no longer an individual organism, youve become part of ur universe. you dont need to eat, sleep, or breathe to survive, im sure your brain would suffer long term from lack of enrichment at some point, but if you are truly immortal (like deadpool getting put back together when you 'die'), you'd exist until the heat death of the universe. i imagine that you'd fade into nothing upon said heat death and if the universe one day collapses on itself and is restarted, youd probably come back into existence.

i wrote a story my senior year of high school about this concept, that a human became truly immortal and was just living through the entire existence of his universe over and over, he spent so much time just trying to find sentient life forms, just for a glimpse at family, companionship, etc for the brief moment they exist before he's trapped in basically endless solitude for inconceivable amounts of time again. in my story he eventually was approached by another true immortal, one that was millions of universes older than him and had in all that time become closer to the universe and 'changed', becoming less an individual and more a small god? i didnt think of this back then but i really shouldve implied that the older immortal was really just the universe itself communicating to him, and it shouldve had a break at the end that showed that the human was ALSO just the universe itself, just a much younger and less connected consciousness within it.

oh did i mention that this story was a comedy and the punch line was that he ended up on a planet in his 8th universe that had a similar environment to earth, but it was flat, and he was inconsolably angry about flat earth happening?

#then i wrote a one act play about a girl hallucinating the myths of the stars while she died #there was gonna be a heartbeat that would literally go for the whole play #so you could hear her die #i had a racist english teacher but i was white so i just spited her with stories that were toeing the line of 'calling a counselor' #just to stress her out all year #mostly poc class so a lot of people wrote about their experiences with racism to make her uncomfy too #was the only trans person in class so i wrote about dysphoria as if it were an animal hunting me #she got REALLY good about my pronouns after that #i wrote a (frankly poorly done) psych eval for a character for a bigger project we did #she liked that one bc it was something she'd never seen someone do before #writing #immortality #only good thing that came out of that class was a love for eldritch horror

[averlym]

fairest of the fair

#hi! im alive and back and etc. #six the musical #six the musical fanart #katherine howard #thinking of that post going 'i think eventually you become the person you needed most' and like maybe that's the thing with my art #this started out as a redraw and <improvement meme> i think i've finally reached the stage where i'm making the things that my younger self #aspired to create. like i can do this now! i've reached That level of technical skill! tiny me would be so proud. it's very gratifying #redraw from august this year actually. i've made a surprising amount of improvement HAHA maybe it was the adamandi stuff getting me #back into digital rendering. i think that obsession has quietly slipped away but yknow. one never truly leaves a fandom. just less intensit #also speaking of old fandoms! we're back with the six stuff haha. as of writing i'm in the midst of blog revamp- figuring out how to chill #multifandom status doesn't mean ditch all the old stuff ! but i do feel much freer and less stressed. i think hiatus has been good for me #notes on this piece particularly: redraw about cutting hair and thinking of the lyric above. also lowkey &j ref + pinterest poem excerpts #of female suffering. and maybe a dash of amanda heng let's walk inspo. this work is really just full of contradictions.. #1. the mirror and cutting hair as an act of self liberation 2. the & is part of the lyric but also a nod to &j (in another iteration it was #pink but the white looked better) and like. &j is really all !!! girl power!!! etc. and i was like hmmmm. also matching pink shiny aes #3. the frame as a cage; the mirror as a self reflection idea (ie. saville's propped insp) but also as a sign of vanity. 4. sparkly costume #and pretty pose- read one too many poems about women feeling like they have to be pretty even in their suffering. something i wanted to #explore. and also in 5. the show itself... all you wanna do is. despite all the dancing and pink and sparkly the content of the song is #darker. and even though it's a story of her suffering it's still presented as a shiny fun pop song and ajshdhfhfh ok... 6. the lyrics fall #outside the frame. sort of a caught inbetween. sort of a trapped in the narrative and yet #within the frame it's all. vaguely handwavy breaking free vibes. like i said contradictions? #7. cutting off the long ponytail vs the pull my hair lyric at the end. yeah #8. the blocked off & looks a bit like scissors. positioned to cut right at the neck #anyways yeah irl remains hectic! but if i get around to more doodles they'll appear here :)

[moonchild-in-blue]

Australian Rituals / Teeth of God Tour Bingo

Alroighte gwois, let's hear your predictions for the upcoming rituals. I *might* make another bingo (like on Wembley) - even if I don't, let's get them all in one place cus I think it's funny.

If you have something specifically for the Teeth of God Tour (because they are headliners and can do Cooler™ Fancier™ stuff) do specify. Same for strictly Australian Rituals. Some stuff may happen earlier (like when they debuted TMBTE and the new Espera masks), others may only happen on the Tour, so let's just put them all here and see what happens 😗✌️

Please reblog/put on the replies your predictions!! Whether serious or silly, please share!

Mine are:

One of the Vessels (Vessel or ivy OR Espera!!!!) singing onstage with Oli

Kangaroo/koala headbands / Aussie Explorer hat

EUCLID (more for Teeth of God but wouldn't be surprised if earlier)

The Apparition (PLEASE)

The Summoning pushups will return

Older song throwback (please please Sugar or Jaws. TNDNBTG for ToG)

Outfit change for the Vessels (only cus i think Australia is quite hot now innit? poor iv will MELT in that jacket)

NEW VESSEL JEWELLERY

This one I'm not super confident/keen on BUT new Vessel mask with Antlers (more likely on ToG but who knows)

#I AM SO EXCITED FOR THE RITUALS AAAAAAA IT'S RIDICULOUS #i kinda hate that because of timezones they will be playing during the day (for me) rather than later at night but!! #it means we can at least gather round in the evening and react together #cus lord knows how many full nights of sleep i sacrificed during the US rituals #actually yeah now that i think about it it *IS* better this way #ignore my earlier tag then i am thinking out loud #i need at least one picture of the crew with koalas. Just one #i know the girlies are there already so i'm assuming they are ALL there #(one of the Esperas posted on her stories. calm down guys i am not doxing anyone) #do you think they are doing fun Aussie stuff 🥺 trying vegemite and milo and petting koalas and fighting roos 🥺🥺 #wait but Adam is not there yet. maybe her photo is from last year. or maybe they're all arriving at different times idk #i just hope they are not stressing too much and are having fun and healthy 👍 #i will get SO emotional hearing Vessel fully recovered on stage again 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 #ANYWAYS I RAMBLED TOO MUCH OMG SORREH #if you reached this have a little snack for your troubles 🤲 🍊🧃🍬 #sleep token #sleep token teeth of god tour

[bubblepopsims]

~Bunny Bear Madalyn Marie ft. bunny boop

i couldn't pass up on not putting my bun in these accessories by @1-800-cuupid CC set💘Bunny Bop || VENUS💘

and fits perfectly with my naughty innocent Maddi

#ts4 #ts4 simblr #ts4 screenshots #sims 4 #the tribe #my sims #oc: Maddi #oc: Rafael fl0ptrait #bunny bun #also I have to say it XD maddi is thick alright 🤣🤣🤣 and no it’s not fake at all she grew up like that 🤣 #I played maddi and emillie both for Highschool years mhm mhm and it was actually going to be about them but than… BUT THAN I made juju #and it was over 🤣🤣🤣 she had main character energy written all over her #she literally overpowered me and and said THIS is my fucking show alright and these are my friends 🤣🤣🤣 #but anyway yeah so maddi’s mom was thickums too ya know but not like this heheheh I also think it’s because she does go work out with Rafa #yep they are a gym couple #but yeah damn I get it Rafa XD I get it #plus you are a ass man #but you also get the tiddies tooo #you are lucky you fucker and you are being a fuckhead #I wish I was just writing story but no this motherfucker while I played him was just tenseeeeeee #all the time #stressed #than he got the fear of being cheated on and I was just not having it #so him in story was truth for the most part atleast my interpretation of it XD #Kay bye thanks for coming to my ted talk in my tags

[shima-draws]

What the FUCK Furina’s backstory is so fucking sad??? The absolute TORTURE she’s been through. Shit dude,

#Shima speaks #I’M SO UPSET. #THIS IS JUST RUKKHADEVATA ALL OVER AGAIN. GENSHIN STOMPING ON MY FEELINGS AND MAKING ARCHONS CRY #Why is it always the women. Stop doing this to our women. #Genshin Impact #Imagine putting on an act nonstop continuously for hundreds of years and not being able to tell anyone the truth #And dealing with the anxiety of your whole country dying out and it weighs on your shoulders and makes you so stressed #And you cry yourself to sleep every night bc you’re so tired you’re SO tired and it’s been centuries but you have to keep going. #You have to keep up the act you have to keep faking it you have to keep lying #You have to pretend everything is fine when it’s NOT and you don’t know what to do and you still can’t tell a single fucking SOUL #AGHHHH FURINA. MY SWEET GIRL. YOU DIDN’T DESERVE THIS #Genshin Impact spoilers #Furina #Focalors #I just wanna scoop her up into a big hug and tell her it’s okay 😭 Girl you don’t gotta act anymore you can finally FINALLY rest

[ef-1]

girlhood

#i have to fly out to capetown to see mother and im literally debating if i could land in the morning and leave at night on the same day #like. anything longer than that is going to ruin my year. #when she called and did her “katherine. you have to be here on the 10th” i literally sobbed in my bed for the rest of the day 😍😍😍 #not dyeing my hair black for a year and its getting lighter and lighter everyday and i look like her again #and my therapist telling me “you need to do things for yourself.” but like can i? sorry that woman traumatised me and i actually cant :) #like everything i do is informed by her #I'm going to go and just like everytime the only way to keep my sanity is to mirror her. talk and sit and speak and read and eat like her #and its such a terrifying experience bc i remember that im capable of emulating her viciousness and maybe i am my mother's daugher 🤢🤢🤢 #and im going to come back and its going to take fucking months for me to feel like myself again #“oh you look so beautiful just like your mother” i hope you DIE lol !!! the fact that my conception of beauty was shaped by her #growing up with this cruel beautiful detached woman and realising that at the intersection of beauty and wickness is a lifetime of pain #and still being so desperate for her approval- for any metaphysical proximity to her that i felt elated when #people would tell me i look like her. that it meant i was also beautiful like her and maybe she'll love me a little for it #but now i know for a fact that i do look like her and it makes saliva swell under my tongue - that moment right before you throw up- #when people mention it 😍 #last time i was in capetown my optic neuritis flared up (and i know for a fact it was that it was ms-stress related from having to see her) #and i thought i hid it so well even though i had near constant headaches & lethargy until she said “katherine give me the red notebook” #and i knew that she knew all along. it was so acutely humiliating standing there and knowing she knows i cant see which one is the red one #and she tilted her head and said “whats the matter? do you not know what red looks like?” #im never going to have kids. my mother and i read eachother so well it can only mean im never too far removed from becoming her #lol!!!!!!!!!

[moveslikekeithrichards]

its so hard to talk about how traumatic it is to watch somebody be claimed by dementia without going "well i cant complain because at least i wasnt the one losing my mind (for now)" but that shit fucks you up so much. that ghost is going to haunt me for the rest of my life and all i can do is hope it Stays a ghost

#tiddytaco #b #thinking about it rn bc today while i was driving my mom home from pt #she saw someone she knew from years ago driving & was like FOLLOW THAT CAR & we met them in a parking lot #& the conversation turned to 'hey what the hell happened to your parents' pretty quickly bc our families hadnt been in touch #& it was a long conversation in the hobby lobby parking lot #& idk if itll ever Stop being fresh in my mind but now its Extra fresh in my mind #that whole time period was just so insane & awful #bc it was like Ok we're caring for both grandparents #& then my grandpa died #& all our pets at the time were very old #& when he died it occurred to me that we could easily lose both grandparents and all 3 pets within the year #it turned out to be like a long drawn-out year & a half from the first to the last #& looking back it seems impossible that is was that short a time period bc it felt like an eternity #we got off easy with grandpa bc he died before it got too bad but with grandma it just kept getting Worse #& the climax of the caring experience was traveling to take her to my uncle bc he wanted to take his shift caring for her #& that was so . So bad. SO bad #like it literally could not have gone more smoothly and it was SO bad #just thinking about it i feel like im there again i get so stressed out

[caitlynmeow]

This is child Bela you can’t change my mind 😭😭

#headcanon #house dimitrescu #bela dimitrescu #alcina dimitrescu #resident evil village #resident evil 8 #re8 #baby girl was born stressed okay #by the age of five Cassie is already almost two years old and proving to be a real terror in their house #so Bela’s feelings intensified because she went from ‘I gotta look out fo my baby sister’ all cutesy and big sisterly to ‘I HAVE TO KEEP MY #EYES ON HER ALL THE TIME’ in deep horror because little sister is a wild daredevil that cannot be tamed #like she doesn’t have an ounce of fear in her bones #and bela is often just watching things unfold with horror #but also realizing that as the older sister she should put a stop to it #so she was stressed from an early age #because of her younger sister #and the fact that her mother looos up to her to be a good example and just a be a decent role model #and the responsibility of being an older sister #but it was quite the job with Cassandra #poor bela

[bunnihearted]

lately i've been finding it so so hard to be positive and hopeful. and it's making me so bitter and hateful. i hate it but i dont know what to do about it

#idk it's just all too much to deal w #i have sm pains and physical discomforts. money issues. stress bc my avpd is making school very hard for me to finish #i have suicidal thoughts and really bad anxiety every single day. i've basically begged the mental health care system for help for 7 months #like i've kept contacting them and asking them but they havent done anything at all for me. i dont even get to see anyone and talk #i just dont know what to do or how to handle it #im so stressed abt the future. i have to finish school but then choose smth so i can go to school/get a degree & get a job #im holding my mom down and back and i need to find a way to kove out from her and support myself #i have no friends to meet or hangout with and destress with etc etc and im really feeling the lack of it #idk the list just goes on and on and on #nothing is working and idk how to fix it. but also i know that me and only me have to find a way bc there is no help #i struggle bc of my avpd and mental health but there is no treatment for me to get. they just dont wanna give me *any* help at all #im just so frustrated. and every day is the same. everyday is full of some physical pain anxiety stress worries suicidal thoughts etc etc #i cant break free idk how!!!! my life is so fkn boring and pathetic and miserable #i never get to relax bc all of a sudden last year i got extremely noise sensitive. and it's never quiet anywhere in this city #anyway yeah i could just keep going. and like now im feeling anxious bc my tooth is aching :(( #it -everything- never stops or lets up or relents. and it makes me wanna die even more. #so... idk im just incapable of being hopeful abt anything and that's really killing me idk

[chipistrate]

What if Cassie gets back and stays with 3 star fam for a bit after the Scooper ending, but she's already infected with the Vanni virus, so everyone watches as she slowly loses control of her own body and keeps trying to hurt the others when she doesn't want to and the Mimic tries to communicate with her and tell her to go back to the Pizzaplex, all while Cassie is trying so hard to keep it all down and ignore it in a futile attempt at keeping control over herself

#Chip Chatter #worst part is that 3 star fam don't know how to help her- #the ways they were freed were weird and unique to both of them #there isn't any one fixed way of freeing someone from the virus #so they just have to watch and try to help Cassie whenever she loses control without them being able to actually *do* anything about it #and I'm so sure they *try*- they try *so* hard to tell- they spend days and nights trying to figure out how they could free her #but it all leads to dead ends and more stress as they desperately try to save their friend from the same fate they were subjected to for #3 long years.

[halogalopaghost]

#IM SO STRESSED IM SO STRESSED #I feel like I'm not handling ANYTHING well rn #so many people have symptoms that are WAAAAAAY fucking worse and they're like. working full time jobs and being a parent and shit and #I'm like waaah oh no I have body aches and chronic fatigue looks like I'll have to be unemployed and never do anything ever 💀 #how am I gonna live?? like. my parents are taking care of me and I'm so fucking glad but #SOMEDAY THEY WONT BE AROUND and that stresses me out so bad #I'm 25 years old and I NEED my mom every day if not physically then emotionally because I'm a little bitch baby that can't do anything for #herself. im having a hard time feeding myself I'm having a hard time keeping my living space clean #I'm not taking care of anything except the dogs sometimes and my lizard and she's not getting as much attention as she used to #I need a job and I need to be able to suck it up and DO THINGS but I feel like I'm not the person u was anymore #I was strong and I could push thru things and make myself do things and now I can't???? I just lay on the fucking couch!! and feel bad abtit #is it the tism. is it the ADHD. what about the chronic depression. how bout the fibromyalgia? #and the thing is that ALL OF THOSE THINGS ARE MILD #I don't have severe pain (yet). #I just can't handle it I don't WANT to handle it #so. shoutout to my mom I guess because if it wasn't for her I simply wouldn't be alive #I feel like I've never been happy!! why can't I just be content and be happy!!!! #I have no fucking reason to be unhappy!!!!!!

[crossbackpoke-check]

Why I Am Not Coming In To Work Today [abridged], Jess Zimmerman

part one | part two

#toronto maple leafs #HELLO EVERYBODY THIS HAS BEEN MONTHS!!! MONTHS IN THE MAKING BECAUSE i AM UNHINGED AND NEEDED THE PRECISE PICTURES THAT I KNEW I WOULD GET #like. seventy five percent of this has been done since the first time i posted this and while it has gotten better with time because #my narratives simply got more complex and there's so much of this that is For Me but don't worry i will explain but aLSO goddamn mitch coul #you have gotten married any later in the year. also willy you truly disappointed me by not getting an absurd haircut this year (now that #i've said this he's going to debut it on instagram like. tomorrow. but anyway that meant y'all got to enjoy my neuroses of #Loving Tyler Bertuzzi who is a goddamn leaf. the joys of having to wait to post this (was not a leaf at the time i started it) and anyway i #have at length i think had the breakdown about tyler in pigtails girl dad & how i got a bob & then tyler copied me which was rude. that's m #gender. ANYWAY starting from the top we got sheldon keefe documentation which was really just the personal decision that i wanted all the #coaching staff to be the markers in the poem/the bold & also at the TIME keefe hadn't re-signed &we thought it might be everybody out w/kyl #anyway the title of the scrap of an old lover's flannel is literally 'u think this is about sheldon & kyle NO it's about timothy liljegren' #bc. liljegren was on the marlies winning cup team & has had a contentious relationship w/keefe ever since & was healthy scratched in playof #& the narrative is sooooo. also at one point for the ryan o'reilly i was going to edit the stlb out of his grandma's shirt or cover it w/th #childhood dreams line but THEN i found the gio snapped stick one which was too perfect for 'crumbling copy' the ryan o'reilly To Me is so. #ur insane in ways u did not think for that one. like. how soft her hands were. his grandma you guys. he grew up a leafs fan. if he ever get #to lift the cup with her again i will lose my shit. the cup run a movie i remember nothing--OKAY the spezz one i knew i needed him stresse #but also i believe in the spezz/kyle narrative so. it comes up later don't worry ALSO SPEZZ FOLLOWING HIM TO PITT CAME AFTER I MADE THIS bu #the muzz tea one makes me a little sensy bc muzz was out with an injury for most of this season & it was a really scary spinal one & so yea #& then the simmer one just straight up makes me cry bc i love him so much & the work that he does for anti-racism in hockey means so much & #if you have that video open & watch it i promise you will cry i do every time it's so beautiful he had to be on comforted by beauty & sammy #boy is on the a man who doesn't know me because EYE remember the caps goalie tandems. baby lilya. the mo one is a little funny bc it is #solely due to wade's thread about mo rielly the coal miner homestead husband. that's why he moves to omaha also i think it suits him (quiet #OK NOW OLD MEN IN LOVE NARRATIVE this one's in contention for my fave bc it's spezz coping w/retirement fundamental meaningless of existenc #u heard abt tyler already that's for me the minchy picture was just too good i had found it earlier & i spent SO LONG looking for an empty #leafs rink picture for bathtub i have some cool construction photos but i wanted the melting ice ones (thought about tahoe lol) & the sprin #one i manip'd a lot bc i needed a spring picture bc playoffs clinch in spring & that one fit so coincidentally perfect bc it's 7 straight #seasons 7 guys so. :) & i KNEW i swore to god they did more milk advertising i knew i was gonna do this one from the minute i saw the poem #the milk patch & it took a hot minute BUT I FOUND THIS ONE this one's for funsies. AND THE PIC I WAITED SO FUCKING LONG FOR this is actuall #from kerf's wedding but i was like i know on god mitch is getting married this summer & that's about to be the drunkest shenanigans wedding #i'm waiting for the pics. & then i was BLESSED with this one which is beautiful & perfect & LOOK AT THEM. anyway the last one is bc

[quietwingsinthesky]

also also consider: human!au transfem michael who figures this out about herself years and years later than all her other siblings figure out their queerness because of The Repression™️ and calls Raphael up in the dead of night like I Need Your Help Right Now I’m Freaking Out

#she already got raphael through their own transition like. technically she knows the steps and all. #but it is also Very Very Different when its her going through this #shes like 37 and she just realized she was a girl yesterday and its stressing her out a bit!!!! #it took her like 3 years to deal with Being Gay™️ and wanting to be with adam and now suddenly that’s all gone for a loop!!! #Michael: but what if i’m too old to- | Raphael: no. | Michael: but- | Raphael: no. #this is like the third time they’ve had this conversation. michael does not actually think there’s an age limit on this btw she’s just #looking for any excuse Not To because she’s terrified first and foremost of forming her own identity. especially one outside what she #created to be a Good Son and an Older Brother #spn #michael spn #raphael spn #trans!michael

[naruto-is-baby]

your top 15 favourite tv shows can say a lot about your personality

Tagged by @kuhakukage

Let's go besties :

1. Courage the Cowardly Dog

2. Danny Phantom

3. Teen Titans

4. Teen Wolf

5. Inuyasha

7. Tokyo Ghoul

8. Shen He Ling/Word of Honor

9. Australia's next top model

10. Brooklyn 99

11. How to get away with murder

No tags all the besties can come list their favourite shows so i can get some good tv show recs thank yew.

#bear with me it'll take me some more years to reach 15 tv shows probably #cz im a hater i like watching shows just to analyze and criticise the hell out of them until they disintegrate inside my brain #so u can imagine the kind of stress i am under when i try to list shows I like when i cant even remember what i watched #these are the shows that I'd actually rewatch #i don't usually like to rewatch stuff because i feel like my head will explode if im not seeing new things #ok but now that i think about it what DOES it say about my personality #only 2 of the shows on this list are from my adult life lmao #fried braincell things #for HTGAWM i love Annalise Keating. viola Davis is IT she's the icon she IS the moment i love her. #amd also my girl Michaela pratt got me through college i am her she is me (academically) #b99 is beautiful perfect amazing i love it #on that note Andre braugher we miss you thank you for all that you did #i also love Gina and was annoyed asf when she was taken out of the show #currently im watching the vampire diaries and shit is not hitting im gonna be honest #I'm currently watching 3 series and reading 2 books at once so u can imagine why my brain is fried

[heartshattering]

5 AM

Just me and my overactive mind facing the nighttime again 🙃

#hopefully the meds work but while waiting for them to kick in I get so damn nervous #and sometimes I do get nights where even on my full dose my anxiety is too overpowering and I just. Do Not Sleep #I mean I do eventually but not without spiraling first :') #way before I was prescribed sleep meds my longest was 3 nights without sleep while on a VERY stressful trip #I felt like I was gonna die and I did not sleep until I got off the plane and was back at home #(this was like 15 years ago already but it still haunts me fhfgsgdh) #my best friend and I were having a conversation today #and she was like 'not sleeping can make you hallucinate right?' #and I was like :') I get the hallucinations in other scenarios too #BUT I also get what she meant #not sleeping is really bad for me mentally which is why I can't do 'sleep restriction therapy' #and fun fact #a lot of my OCD obsessions revolve around sleep!!! #which is 'awesome' because laying in bed with insomnia makes my OCD flare up so like #the two get to feed off each other and make my life a living hell!!! #and don't even get me started on my sleep paralysis episodes #(which I like to think of as just my brain misfiring but that my aunt tells me is saints or demons trying to talk to me) #'cause she hallucinates too but hers are like 'spiritual' or whatever #same with my mom's hallucinations as well #and to add fuel to the dumpster fire of my mind and body is the fact I've been overcaffeinating again #which I've known not to do ever since I was in middle school and saw the pediatric cardiologist who specifically said 'hey don't do that' #fast-forward to adulthood and I still haven't learned how to handle anything #like. I have heart meds and sleep meds and migraine meds and IBS meds #and yes meds are good but like. I know you need to incorporate lifestyle changes as well #which I do for like 2 weeks until the next time I fuck up #I've been so irresponsible lately but like. ESPECIALLY today #didn't eat #took some meds on an empty stomach and forgot to take my other ones at all #had too much caffeine #stressed out over some stupid situations thanks to overthinking

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan #i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch #shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else #even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress #but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside #academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project #i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send #myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it #but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or #maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something #just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there #it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so #tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing #ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position #and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle #sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux #i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices #even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany. #and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it #unrelated