#just...have the courage to say smth nice..to anyone or someone you thought of | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

anonymousbaev · 3 years

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i love ur writing style!! i was wondering if u could write how the rfa + v and saeran would react to mc coming out as bi? and like,,,shes kinda scared they might leave her or smth?

RFA+V and Saeran reaction to mc coming out as bi

Thank you so much for the compliment, you boosted my confidence in writing it even got me inspired to write this for you! (〃^∇^)ﾉ Also this idea is amazing, I hope I wrote it similar to the way you wanted it! I started at 6 pm and just finished right now at 2:43 am yay! WOOHOO FIRST HEADCANON REQUEST COMPLETE! I also saw another request come in while working on this so I shall begin on that one sometime soon too! Please lmk if anything here is disrespectful in any way. ENOUGH TALKING, ENJOY! ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ

!!WARNING!!

!!PROFANITY AND TRIGGERING SCENES!!

☆Yoosung☆

☆ You and Yoosung have been dating for a month now, you both told each other everything. At first you were scared to come out to him as being bi, but coming further and further into your relationship, you felt an urge to tell him. Being bi was something you were proud of. Yet, you couldn’t help but feel a bit scared he would leave you. You know he’s supportive and understanding, he’s not someone who would judge you. However, having a trauma of your parents kicking you out from a young age for being bi… It left an empty hole in your heart that had yet to be mended. Why couldn’t they love you for who you were? You were still their kid they’ve always known…

☆However, your parents were old news now. If they couldn’t be parents that supported you no matter what. You simply didn’t need them either. You knew Yoosung weren’t like them. And so, you gathered up your courage to come out to him one day. He was fairly surprised when you’d told him you had something to talk about. So, the two of you went out to a café on a Saturday morning to chat.

☆ “Mc!” Yoosung waves to you at the table he had been waiting for you. You nervously wave back at him as you make your way to the table. You sit down with a awkward smile, “I hope you weren’t busy today. I know I kind of called you kind of out of the blue.” He rests his head on his hand on the table with a grin as he replies, “No worries! Besides, even if I were busy, I would always make time for you!”

☆ As always, he was being so sweet. “Oh right! What did you want to talk about? You seemed anxious, is everything okay, Cutie?” You gulp so loud he probably can hear it. You just want to get this over with. Being bi was normal. Why did you have to be scared to say it? “I’ll get straight to the point, I just wanted you to know that I’m bi. I don’t want to keep my mouth shut on this anymore...but please don’t leave me. I love you.”

☆ He sits up straight as he holds your hand over the table. “Babe of course I won’t leave you, I’d be a hypocrite if I did. Nothing between us will change, in fact with another part of you revealed to me, I feel even closer with you!” You start to cry out happy tears as it gets him flustered knocking down his cup of ice tea all over the table. ⋋_⋌

☕️ Jaehee ☕️

☕️ Jaehee and you opened the café just like any other day. When you took out the freshly baked sweets, it immediately spread throughout the café and out the widely opened doors. The fragrance attracted in so many customers. The café soon became absolutely full. As you were helping a young lady and her daughter with their order, a small family catches everyone’s attention at the shop. The man who looks to be the father of a teen begins to lecture him. It causes a ruckus and with Jaehee too busy to notice making drinks at the back, you excuse yourself and head to the small family. “Excuse me, is everything okay here?”

☕️ You try your best to be as nice as possible before he begins to shout at you too. “YES. EVERYTHING IS FINE HERE. WE’RE TRYING TO HAVE A PRIVATE CONVERSTATION HERE, IF YOU DON’T MIND I WOULD APPREACIATE IT IF YOU LET US BE.” You sigh trying to keep your cool, but you notice all the other customers rushing to hurriedly pay and get out. “I’m sorry sir, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” He bangs his fists down on the table startling both his wife and son, but it startles you the most. “HOW DARE A LOWLY WAITER LIKE YOU TELL ME TO LEAVE. WHERE’S YOUR BOSS, HUH? BRING HIM HERE.” He spits at your face, you start to get so uncomfortable.

☕️ “Hello, I’m in charge here and I’m a she not a he. Also I would appreciate it if you would stop throwing reckless insults at my girlfriend.” Jaehee appears from the back. She must’ve heard all the commotion and came out to help you. She pushes him away from you, pissed. BAEHEE I LOVE YOU!

☕️ “GIRLFRIEND? WHATEVER THIS PLACE IS UNBELIEVABLE. WOMEN SHOULD DATE MEN AND MEN SHOULD DATE WOMEN. This is why youngsters these days need more lecturing tsk.” The man rushes out obviously intimated by Jaehee as his wife and son follow him out with an apologetic look to both you and Jaehee. Jaehee doesn’t hesitate to follow after him and give him a proper lecture but stops when she hears a small whimper before crouching down to meet your eyes. You sob so upset at the man’s cruel and untrue words. You know everything he’d said is not true AT ALL but can’t help but remember his words are similar from the words of your mother, it brings you to the floor.

☕️ “What’s wrong Mc? I know his words were harsh but you know none of that is true. Don’t cry because of an insect like him. ” you nod agreeing with her before taking a moment to get your words out, “I know...I know but he reminds me so much of my unsupportive parents when I came out as bi to them.”

☕️ “Oh Mc, don’t cry it’s going to be okay. There’s always going to be so much negativity in the world. Whatever it may be, and that’s not gonna change. Yet, you have to know you have me. And I have you. That’s all that matters.” You hug her and the people that have stayed in the café clap as the both of you have chased the bad man out. You see Jaehee blush for being in the center of attention.┏(＾0＾)┛┗(＾0＾) ┓

🎤 Zen 🎤

🎤 You and Zen cuddle on your shared bed. You begin to feel your eyes close in Zen’s warmth, and you eventually fall asleep to his pleasing lullaby. Your phone begins to ring and when Zen thinks it’d be better to let it be and tell you when you’re awake, he sees it’s your dad. He doesn’t know what to do, you never talk about your family. But he doesn’t want to worry your dad from you not picking up, so...he picks it up.

🎤 “Hello, sir!” He’s super nervous to be talking with your dad for the first time. Your dad is super confused and asks, “Who is this? I thought I was calling my daughter?” Zen carefully lays your sleeping body comfortably on bed out of his arms to sit up at the edge of the bed, he clears his throat. “Yes, you are. I’m her boyfriend she said she told you about me?” Your dad begins to laugh almost... wickedly? “Oh that girl never tells me anything after her mother and I kicked her out of the house.” Zen is so shocked he’s at a loss of words you never mentioned this...

🎤 Zen continued to quietly listen to your father a little...pissed? Maybe you have horrible parents like he did. He starts to really regret picking up your phone, he should’ve asked you first. Regardless, it’s too late to regret it now and your dad continues to chatter on, “I’m glad to know she’s all fixed now. She’s dating an actual man. I was so aggravated when she came out to her mother and I to be bi.” Zen quietly heads to the living room and quickly scratches his head in anger, did your dad just say fix?

🎤 “Excuse me but, if anything it looks like you need more fixing than anyone else. Also, Mc has not been “fixed”. She’d been perfect and she still is perfect in the same way. Dare I say, please don’t call Mc or even show your face anywhere near her if these are the things you tell her.” He ends the call and sees your head down, sitting down near the bedroom door as if you’d collapsed. He rushes over to you and gently holds your shoulder. “Jagiya are you okay? I’m sorry I picked up your call without-”

🎤 “It’s okay...it’s okay as long as you won’t leave me.” you shake your head in fear as Zen raises an eyebrow with a questioning look. “And why would I leave you?”

🎤 “Because I’ve kept it from you! That I’m bi and that I have bad parents. You told me everything, but I told you nothing. You’re probably feeling betrayed...but I really do trust you I really do love you! I was just scared... I know you are nothing like my parents. Ever since I met you, all you have given me was love and support! But it hurts...my dads words...they come back to me everyday and it makes me feel like I should keep it a secret...” He sighs before helping you stand back up on your feet. He fixes your messy hair and wipes away your tears with a gentle swipe.

🎤 “Baby, it’s okay. I know you would’ve eventually told me everything. Don’t feel guilty for not telling me. These are things you tell me when you want to tell me. You just needed time to heal from your parents. Just...overall...please know I love you no matter what. I’ll help you get over their words. I’ll show you what your parents told you were just thorns on a rose. Nothing more than a tragic obstacle from your happiness. Don’t be afraid of something that makes you, you because of the words of someone unsupportive. I know how it feels to have bad parents.” He pulls you into a hug, he feels so warm. You grasp onto his shirt and sob into his abs. You’re once again reminded of how much you love this man. ●ᴥ●

♛ Jumin ♛

♛ You’re attending an fancy business party with Jumin at an fancy hotel. You’re more than happy to attend this party with him. After all, you’d helped him plan for this project with your great creative mind. Not to mention, he loved showing you off.

♛ You and Jumin arrive in a limousine as he held your waist ignoring all the reporters into the front door of the hotel. You both stop at the entrance, four bodyguards around you as he lifts your chin up, you smile so lovingly he gulps before placing a kiss on your lips. “Are you ready, my love?” You nod as you snuggle against him as he holds your waist. All the bodyguards are supposed to guard the entrance so you both enter the main hall alone.

♛ After a few boring conversations of a few businessmen trying to kiss up on Jumin’s ass you excuse yourself to the snack bar much to Jumin’s dismay. Regardless, he nods and you walk away. All these delicious fancy food! You swear you are about to drool. While you’re wondering on what to eat first, someone calls your name and it’s not Jumin’s voice. You feel your heart drop as you clutch your chest before turning around to see your bully in the old days.

♛ Tiffany, she was the “perfect rich girl” at school. And this girl loved making fun of others. You’ve picked on by Tiffany and her followers all four years through high school. All for one reason, you were open about being bi. She and her friends would always call you the ‘gay commoner’. This bish doesn’t even know the meaning of “bi”

♛ Your heart begins to pound as if old memories come back at you like a gun shot. “Wait, hah you’re Mc, right? Wow... this place stoops as low to allow someone like you to come in? A gold digging commoner bitch that married Han Jumin. Oh right, and you’re gay. Be honest, you’re with Jumin because of his money right? You probably have sex with girls behind his back-” Tears swell in your eyes as you throw a slice of cake on her face. It drips down to her dress ‘made out of gold’. “ARE YOU CRAZY? OH MY GOSH, THIS DRESS IS WORTH MORE THAN YOUR LIFE!” cliché shit I’m sorry. Your voice shakes, seeing her brings back your painful memories so vividly. “I can’t believe you’re still so uneducated after all these years! I’m bi not gay! And I see you’re still as immature as ever, haven’t changed that habit of picking on innocent people, huh? Also, you know nothing about my relationship with Jumin! I love him and I don’t care that you and other people point fingers at me. I have not once thought about being with him for money!” You feel a painful sting on your cheek as you look up to see that she’s slapped you.

♛ You bite your lips and she holds her hand up for another slap before she’s stopped with someone’s strong hand. Jumin holds her wrist as he looks at your painful mark, looking back at Tiffany in anger. Oh boy he’s pissed. He had rushed over as soon as he heard your faint yells across the room. “Jumin it’s okay, can you take me somewhere quiet...please?” He nods as he holds your waist to a balcony. The stars outside make you feel so much better as you smile bitterly. “Why was she hurting you, my love? I will make her pay for leaving such a painful wound. Please wait here my love I will call an ambulance right now.” You giggle a little before gently grabbing his hand. “I’ll be okay, please don’t, who calls an ambulance for a slap!” you continue to giggle before collapsing into his embrace. “I used to go to high school with her, and she’d always made fun of me. Because...I’m attracted to both males and females.”

♛ He furrows an eyebrow, “And...why is that something to make fun of?” You shrug, “I don’t know, but I think there’s more to her story. Still, that doesn’t make it okay for her to make fun of me.”

♛ “Of course it’s not. I cannot personally relate to being attracted to both genders, however I do know that’s not something to make fun of.” You look up to meet him in the eyes, “That’s all you have to say? I just came out to you as being bi.” He smiles as he kisses you, “I love you.” You laugh, Jumin is not a man with many words in situations like this. However you do know that this ‘I love you’ is not just a simple confession of love. It’s his way of telling you that he supports you and nothing will change between the two of you. The next day you find a bucket of flowers with a 10,000 lettered apology essay from Tiffany. You later also find out Jumin has stopped partnering with her fathers company. They eventually go bankrupt. (¬‿¬)

👓 Saeyoung 👓

👓 You shake as you look around you, you’re in a empty white void and suddenly, your ex appears in front of your eyes. “You’re bi? What so have you been going off with other girls behind my back?” He slaps you, pushing you down onto the floor. He wraps his hands around your neck so painfully. Your heart could jump out of your chest right then and there. You try to scream out, but your voices don’t leave your mouth. You shake your head denying him, until you’re finally able to open your eyes screaming, “NO!” You gasp for breath, you look around in your shared bedroom with Saeyoung. “MC?” Saeyoung sits up to see you. He scans your body to make sure you’re safe, “What’s wrong baby?”

👓 You shake your head, “I... had a nightmare.” he smiles, “Haha, you’re so cute still getting nightmares. What was it about? Elizabeth the 3rd turning into a monste- ZzZzZz...” He falls asleep again holding onto your waist as his body slides back down to lay. You wrap your arms around his head with a bitter smile before beginning to break down, you gently sob unknowingly. Saeyoung wakes up again, both of your eyes squinting as he turns the lamp on. You take a glance at the clock, it’s 3 am. You feel horrible for waking Sae up.

👓 He sits next to you, gently wiping away your tears. “You’re okay. If it makes you feel better we can talk before going back to bed. What did you have a nightmare about?” At first you’re hesitant, but knowing Sae, the sweetest purest sometimes perverted cinnamon roll you ever know, you felt safe to tell him. Before a warning you blurt it out, “I’m bi.” he smiles as he caresses' your cheeks before he says anything, you continue to talk, “I had a nightmare about my ex...he would beat me up and be so unsupportive of me.” You continue to cry harder painful memories coming back to you, more vividly now that you say it.

👓 He brings you into his arms, “Thank you. Thank you for telling me, you’re so so brave. Do you know that?” He smiles nuzzling his nose to yours. “You’re okay now. And I support you. I love you so much too. I, Saeyoung Defender of Justice will protect you no matter what.” You cringe at his last line, the both of you giggle as you both nuzzle each other back to sleep.

👓 BONUS: Saeyoung never tells you but he hacks into old camera files and sends your ex into jail for emotional and physical abuse. ( ಠ◡ಠ )

🌚 Saeran 🌚

🌚 You are eating dinner with Saeran until you finally come out to him as being bi, it feels as though a heavy anchor on you had been lifted. He pauses for a second looking up at you nodding, he quietly continues to eat his dinner. You feel so upset, that was it? A single nod? You spent days thinking of the right day to tell him this. It took a lot courage to come out to someone. The single nod he gave you continues to replay in your head.

🌚 Clearly upset, you hurriedly shove down your food Saeran constantly telling you that you will get sick if you continue. It didn’t matter, you just wanted to get out of here.

🌚 A while later...you’re in bed with Saeran, everything is so quiet. But Saeran notices how upset you’re after the incident. He mutters a “sorry” and you can tell he genuinely means it but you can’t help but still feel a bit sassy, “For what?”

🌚 “Sorry for being indifferent when you came out to me. Thank you for doing that. I appreciate your bravery. But I don’t know how to react- how you want me to react. Of course I’ll be supportive of you...but the wrong words would rather be disrespectful...so...sorry...I don’t know the right words to tell you. I’m not good at this kind of stuff.” You kiss him as you pull him onto the bed. “Thank you. That means so much. I’m sorry too, I got sensitive.”

🌚 The two of you fall asleep so secure and loved in each others embrace.

♧ Jihyun ♧

♧ It’s been a week since you’ve came out to Jihyun about being bi, he was unconditionally supportive and loving. One day, You and Jihyun decide to go to the mall as you insisted in buying him new clothes. He was so bad at dressing himself. Without realizing it Jihyun brought his glasses and cane, even when he could see now with his eye surgery.

♧ He smiles wholeheartedly when you continue to be amused by all the cool stuff at the mall. Someone suddenly comes from behind putting a hand on your shoulder that was between you and Jihyun. Jihyun elbows them in surprise before calmly apologizing, “Ah, I’m sorry.” the man looked to be in pain but he tried to act fine as he said “It’s fine.” His friend in the back whispered “Wow look at his cane, he’s blind.” they all began to laugh.

♧ You were about to shout at them but after seeing Jihyun simply just raising an eyebrow you just cross your arms at them before attempting to walk away. “Hey hey, I’m not done yet. Aren’t you Mc?” He roughly pulls your wrist, it makes you unwantedly unlink arms with Jihyun. “Hey, you are! Remember me? You tried to date my girlfriend.” You shiver as you realize him. Your old classmate. You had confessed your interest to his girlfriend during your senior years, however you had no idea she had a boyfriend. It wasn’t your fault, you’d even apologized to him and her afterwards. He’d never forgot you though when he sweared that the reason for him breaking up with his girlfriend was because of you.

♧ Your stomach turned, heart dropping, as his glares came in to you like stinging daggers. Jihyun hides you behind him as he nicely tells them, “It would be better not to make a commotion here.” The men mockingly copy his words in a idiotic tone. Your anger boils, but Jihyun is calm as always. “Mc you’ve gotten greedier, eh? Women weren’t enough, now you want both men and women?” Your heart drops, as the anger in you all shred into tears. However, you hold them back. Where had it all gone wrong? After all those painful years, you almost forgot it all after getting into Rika’s apartment and helping everyone recover from their painful past. You forgot you had a painful past of your own, one you’d never recovered from. One that still lingers somewhere in your heart till this day. You shake yourself back to reality when you notice Jihyun holding onto your hand.

♧ Jihyun shoves the man away like a feather with his cane when he attempts to approach the two of you. Eventually the security guards come and separate them from the both of you. Jihyun embraces you in his warmth as he reminds you, “You know all those foolish things those men said are not true, darling.” His words are rather short that what you’d imagined him to say. However his words are comforting regardless.

♧ Later you find out Jumin, Jihyun, and Saeyoung have been working on something but you don’t quite know what...you brush it off. They’ve been working on ruining the life of those two rude ass men at the mall. (⌒o⌒)

The quality of my writing started to drop from Saeyoung I’m so sorry. I might come back to them and fix them later on...∑(゜Д゜;)

#mysme headcanons #mysme unknown #mysme ray #mysme saeran #mysme yoosung #mysme jumin #mysme jaehee #mysme hyun ryu #mysme hyun #mysme zen #mysme 707 #mysme luciel #mysme saeyoung #mysme v #mysme jihyun #mystic messenger

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mo2k · 3 years

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not going on anon bcz i want to make public confessions without covers bcz i'm so cool 😌

anyway bam, ok i know we don't talk much. i don't know why bcz it's such a crime to not talk to you because you're v sweet. let's say it's my fault, i'm not the best when it comes to initiating talks. but besides that, i think you're pretty cool ! i love your works, your writing style, your interactions with literally anyone, your little rambles, they're adorable !! you're very cheerful, might i add. it's always nice talking to you, whether it's between tag games or just completely coincidental, it never fails to leave me happy !!

with that being said, we need to interact more. ily, take care <33

Oh inez you’ve no idea how glad I am to have you here !! 🥺💖 And yes bae you’re the coolest person I’ve ever met <3 (Besides I’ve just change the rules — ‘cause I can muah ha ha ha —)

Hsdfgjkl please inez ! No it’s not your fault at all… It’s my own fault. I think it’s time I’ll make an honest confession — but it’s okay if you don’t wanna read love !! I understand, you can skipped right thru it dear —

Vent vent vent ! Please do not read this if you don’t want to. Sorry for such lengthy inez, feel free to skip this next whole annoying and long paragraph …

Warnings : just me being hella annoying and dramatic, super selfish too.

I always wanted to get close / talk to lots of ppl here more. But I didn’t have enough courage to do so from the lesson I’ve learned almost a year ago, there was this group of friend I really like. And so I tried to be as nice to them as possible. I thought it’ll turn out great, thought that it’s almost perfect. But in the end, they left me… for what reason, I don’t know. Maybe for someone better… ig… They confront me that they no longer want to hang out with me. And yeah, it really hits me hard that time. I was heartbroken ‘cause I don’t know what I did wrong. I tried to look back for any mistakes that I could commit, but I still couldn’t find the answer. Is it bc I’m too annoying ? Is it bc I talked too much about myself or smth ? Is it bc I did smth wrong that upset them ? Is it bc I’m too boring ? Or is it bc I bother them too much ? I just don’t know. After that I started to be lots lots more careful of my words or actions. And ended up of me afraid to even interact with anyone… I’m just so lost bc like I’ve tried my whole life. I’ve tried all my life to be nice to everyone, hope that someday I’ll finally have at least a person who’s by my side. But all of those failed and I’m just too scared to even start a new one anymore… My school is close into opening once again and I’m so dreading oml — Yes I too have to admit I’m very selfish, and have done some mistakes… But I don’t know. I don’t know what I want exactly. I’m sorry, ik it doesn’t make sense at all. I’m able to gone through this problem because of my mother and family, I’m so glad they’re there for me. I feel lots better than I’ve in the past too ! And then I join tumblr soon after and was surprised to received such warm welcoming, from all of you. I’m still not fully healed from my past but just that — I want to let you all know that if you ever want to talk or interact or literally anything, please do. I might not be the one who initiate most things, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t want to interact with you — no not at all. I’m more than happy to talk / interact with you all !! So please I love you all okay ? And again, if you ever want to talk or anything, I’m always here you know <3

End of vent, after this’s a safe space now ♡︎

Okay short story in case you don’t wanna read all that (which I didn’t mind at all !) Just that I’m often afraid I might bother / annoyed others too much so that makes me kinda afraid to talk / interact with others hehe — It’s not your fault at all !! And please you’re the one super sweet inez, tysm for this kind message 🥺💖🙏

Ah please you’re flattering me !! I really love your works and lots more things about you as well ! You always so nice and fun to talk to, even if it’s just a casual short convo ! Plus you never failed to make me smile when I saw you on my notif, or just simply on my dash !! I’m so honoured and glad to have you as my moots inez, ilysm <33

Yes we really need to interact more, but only if that’s okay with you !! No pressure ! But for me I’m always more than happy to interact with you inez, ilysm and pls take care too ❤︎ I hope you’ve a great day / night <33

Anons or not, send your honest opinions about me !

- With love, BamBam 🦢🌙

#bambam 🦢🌙#from ; inez #guys i’m so sorry for such lengthy vent #esp. you inez i’m so sorry #please forgive me…#bambam answer ♥︎

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derireo · 4 years

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feeling restless / all troupes

Request: Heya!! Can I have some headcanons of all of the Mankai Troupes having a movie night?

Heya!! Yes you can! Also, I'm really bad at focusing on characterisation/character studies so I'm actually really sorry if these headcanons aren't really accurate with a character's personality or smth;; these are just things I think would happen hkhhh. Anyways, hope you enjoy!

「 Not posting this on AO3 」「 2.3k words 」

.｡*ﾟ+.*.｡　　( ´ ∀ ` ) 　ﾟ+..｡*ﾟ+

"I'm bored already." Itaru whispered into your ear as everyone in the Spring Troupe gathered in the living room. The movie that the younger members chose was something that Itaru had either already watched or wasn't interested in watching, so he was seated beside you on the sofa with his phone in hand, the screen glaring at him as he opened up a game. You shrugged your shoulders, saying that you couldn't do much else for him other than offer the snacks that were on the table or a soda from the fridge. The office worker shook his head with a tired sigh, and instead leaned into your side with his head resting on your shoulder, a pillow resting between you to cushion the the position.

Masumi was sleeping on the other side of you, not exactly interested as well. He didn't really care which movie the others wanted to watch so he decided not to give an input and instead stole the empty spot by your side by Citron could. His arms cradled one of yours to his chest as he slept peacefully, his cheek pressed into your shoulder as he dozed off dreaming about something happy. He would murmur every once in a while during the movie, but everyone would just ignore it. Both Itaru and Masumi take up most of your attention during the movie, and you're stuck on the sofa until it ends because they wouldn't let you go to get more snacks or refreshments.

Sakuya and Citron would be the most responsive to the movie playing on the TV in the living room, their voices booming whenever they shouted in surprise or happiness. Citron would occasionally recite a few lines during the movie, but he would end up saying the wrong words every time. He thought the lines sounded cool, but his execution was a little weak, but Sakuya wouldn't mind because the foreign member would be acting so cool anyways. This pair would also be the two eating the most snacks, with Citron sometimes feeding Itaru something if he asked. They're the most hype out of the members to watch the movie, but they're also the ones who find themselves passed out after their high.

Tsuzuru watches the movie for reference. As always. He focuses on the movie so much that Sakuya and Citron actually go ignored. He writes in a notepad or sometimes types on his laptop, really depends. His eyes are squinting so hard at two screens and he squints even harder at the notebook in his lap because it's so dark in the living room. He barely even eats because this is just like when he's writing an actual play. His inspiration and motivation is just flowing whenever they play a movie for the troupes, and he wants to grab those ideas for their new play so that they can give off something new. Sakuya reminds him to drink water or to eat a little snack so that he doesn't tire when taking notes of the movie.

"Why are we watching this again?" Tenma cried out as splattered blood ran across the screen. Everyone, for some reason, decided to watch a horror movie much to Tenma's dismay. The thing is, Yuki goaded him into also choosing the horror movie, and that's why the high schooler was now curled up against your side in absolute fear. He hid his face into your shoulder whenever something scary popped up on the screen, and you winced whenever he let out a squeal of terror because he'd be shouting it right into your ear. He'd be so scared that he'd forget that there was anyone else around you two, and he'd only focus on hiding behind your frame. He acted brave at first, no lie, as the intro was quite normal, but when he heard that eerie groan in the next minute, there were chills running down his spine.

Yuki is somewhat enjoying it. He doesn't mind horror things, and likes the thrill. Sure, he jumps here and there and avoids the more scary and unnerving parts by focusing on eating the snacks on the table. He's quiet for most of the movie unless Tenma is being loud for no reason, and probably throws in a jab of his elbow into his knee here and there just to get him to shut up. He munches on buttery popcorn most of the time and lets Muku have the sweet snacks. He checks on you every now and then to see if you're faring alright yourself since both Tenma and Muku are plastered to you like a bandaid on a really annoying wound. Overall, Yuki wouldn't mind having another movie night with the troupe, just as long as Tenma is less aggravating next time.

Muku is also terrified and acts just like Tenma, but more mild and quiet. His flinching is very violent though, and he jostles you around quite a bit whenever something he doesn't like pops up on the screen. He'll hide behind your shoulder during scenes that unnerve him, but always peeks because he's so curious. There are times where his shouts are on the same level as Tenma, but it's... cuter. Tenma's shrieks are sometimes unbearable?? Muku makes you want to hide him from whatever is making him scream. He eats the candies to distract himself, and feeds you as well if you ask nicely. He grips onto your arm very tightly throughout the whole movie and he starts to sweat a lot, so you tell him to drink water. And at the worst time possible, when he's re-hydrating, a jump scare pops up and all of a sudden there's water all over everybody on the couch.

Kazunari is having the time of his life with Misumi, because as much as the movie is terrifying, they can't help but scream out of joy because the movie is just so fun! Misumi, being very flexible with his voice, actually mimics some of the scary sounds and voices that make an appearance throughout the movie. The only thing that makes it less scary is that he only says triangle and nothing else, but perfectly mimics the voice/sound. Kazunari teases Tenma a little from the floor, but gets bored of it when Tenma is too busy hiding behind your shoulder to even care. Both Kazunari and Misumi laugh with each other about the silly moments in the movie, but even Kazunari gets flustered by a few of the loud audio cues!

"Shit. That is totally dope." Banri is actually on the edge of his seat on the sofa when the movie is playing. Everyone decided to watch an action movie since that's what most of their plays revolved around, and it was probably the best option anyways. No one really wanted to watch a romcom or a comedy itself at this time of night. Out of the whole Autumn Troupe, he was probably one of the most restless besides Taichi. The action sequences were just so exciting and exhilarating that it made him want to jump up and throw a few punches in the air (or at Juza. whichever one he reached first). He'd whistle under his breath or hold a fist up to his mouth in shock at all of the cool stunts; especially the awesome choreography with the guns. Despite all of that though, he'd probably be the one destroying that bowl of popcorn.

Although Sakyo was really against watching a movie so late at night, his frosty glare melted when you pouted and gently asked him a third time if you all could watch just one film and then go to bed. He was sitting on the sofa with you alongside Omi and Banri, but kept to himself for most of the movie because he was a little busy worrying about the electricity bill. He also tried his best not to sit too close to you otherwise his would be even more preoccupied with unnecessary stuff, and he really just wished you all would go to bed. He hisses at the others when they get too rowdy during the film, and gets up from the sofa every now and then to drink a glass of water or to take a break from staring at the movie screen for so long. The only reason he doesn't leave until the end is to ensure that everyone makes it to bed in the end; especially you.

Juza's the most quiet one! The thing is, he goes through all of the sweet snacks not even a quarter way through the movie, and has made Omi go back into the kitchen multiple times just because his stomach still hasn't gotten its fill. He is totally enraptured by the film though, seeing how movies work their magic on fight scenes has always been a wonder to him, and they're much more cleaner on the fights than real ones are. Real fights are much more messy and uncoordinated, more rugged and fierce, and while movies can get the fierce part, they make it seem like it's way too easy to just up and roundhouse kick someone in the temple. He doesn't interact with anyone else during the movie other than the occasional lean back against your legs because he was slouching for too long, but he also offers you and Taichi some candies when he remembers to share.

Taichi is just as energetic as Banri during the movie and tries to re-enact some of the gnarly moves in the movie. He actually has the courage to start play fighting with Banri who actually tries to throw him across the room, only to be stopped by a gently chiding Omi who is smiling in amusement. Taichi shouts here and there and kicks the air a few times when his energy gets the best of him, and Omi's just there to make sure he doesn't break anything or hit Juza in the head. Omi's sitting on the other side of you on the couch, but is usually getting up to refill the snacks because the high school students are like vacuums. He dotes on you every now and then as well just to check if you're getting tired or hungry, and also helps Sakyo out in ushering the kids back into their rooms.

"Mm.. I'm tired." Hisoka murmurs and rests his head in your lap. He takes up most of the space on the sofa which actually forces Tasuku, Tsumugi, and Homare to sit on the floor while Azuma is on your other side. The Winter Troupe decided to have a movie night because Tsumugi had actually recommended a new film that none of the members or you have watched before. Hisoka wasn't particularly excited about joining everyone in watching, but decided to tag along when you offered your lap and told him that he just needed to join to make it feel like a true Winter Troupe bonding. He fell asleep right as the movie started, his legs dangling over the arm over the sofa while his head was cushioned by your thighs. The thing is, out of habit, Homare would feed him marshmallows every now and then so Hisoka would jolt a few times to catch the fluffy snack; effectively distracting you from a few movie scenes.

Tasuku was probably the most keen on watching a drama. It didn't matter whether it was in a fantasy world or a historic one, as long as there was drama. He was probably the one who chose the film too since he does his research on movie casts and follows the reviews as well. He wouldn't admit it either, but he's also the one who is the most excited to take part in movie night since you all agreed to the film he suggested and promised everyone that it wouldn't disappoint. His eyes would be intense as the scenes rolled, and he wouldn't talk much other than the occasional whisper to you or Tsumugi. He'd probably drink tons of water too because a lot of the more dramatic and heart racing scenes leave his mouth dry. He takes note of the actors and how they deliver their lines; watches how the most minuscule of changes in expression can either immerse the viewer or make them lose interest with the wrong move.

Tsumugi and Homare might be the most talkative of the group during this time. They pass each other comments about the film as time goes on, whispering to each other their thoughts while Tasuku butted in every now and then to give his own opinion. Homare would find it easy to gain inspiration from the dramatic scenes and would write down whatever words came to him into his small notebook to make sure he wouldn't forget the next day. Tsumugi would ask a lot of questions during the film, just wondering about what was going on or why this person was doing this and that etc. Homare would probably be quite the critique as well if he didn't like how a character was portrayed or didn't like how a scene was done, much to Tasuku's annoyance. Otherwise, Tsumugi and Homare would murmur between themselves in amusement.

I don't know if Azuma would be paying attention to the film, but he was didn't turn down the offer to join the rest of the troupe. One late night wouldn't hurt him, would it? He would just have to apply a bit more cream and serums before going to bed. He would also be drinking quite a lot during the film just to pass the time since he didn't seem too particularly interested in watching. Even better, he would even pour you a cup which is something that doesn't happen often. You two would share the same cup actually, since Azuma would be too lazy to get up and get another one, so you two would go back and forth. He'd give you the occasional whisper, asking if you're getting tired or would like to stop drinking with him. He is probably the one who manages to usher everyone back to their respective rooms at the end of the night, but offers you to come into his room to apply some beauty products before going to bed.

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saint-cichol-is-watching · 4 years

Note

do you have any fic recs or hc recs from someone (or maybe if u wrote smth like this before) w mammon and a sick mc cos rn km feeling like yaknow really shit and idk how to look for anything like this, maybe ur followers could help if u can't yaknow u just need refs pls

So I have headcanons with a sick MC and the brothers having a child but this ends up with MC dying so I wouldn’t recommend that one. I don’t know if anyone has done it yet, funnily enough since I avoid the tag I rarely read any headcanons (I need to follow more writers please gimme) but I decided to whip you up some small headcanons to possibly help you feel better !

EDIT : These were supposed to be small...I got excited.

—

Mammon took a lot of time to realize you were sick.

He barged into your room screaming for you to wake up and saying something about gaining some big money and taking you out to eat.

He then saw in your bed, your sheets covering the majority of your body. In fact the only thing he could see was the tip of your nose, which was looking a bit red weirdly enough.

“MC wake up I’m taking ya out to eat” He repeated.

Wriggling to get out of your comfortable cocoon of warmth, you let your head poke out and look directly in his eyes before telling him you were not coming.

“EH ? WHY? I gain big time last night you gotta come ! Ya realize this is a one time opportunity that the Great Mammon offered to ya right? Now come on I want to–”

“Mammon I’m not coming I’m sick !” You exclaimed sniffling turning around your bed so you could stop facing him.

Sick you said ? Ah right, now that you said it it’s true you looked a bit like sh-

“Haha you are ? Tch humans are so weak” He said but you realized he had taken a step back from you “Anyway MC don’t cha worry the Great Mammon is gonna take good care of ya”

You didn’t say anything, there was no way you were going to stop him from doing so. You knew Mammon as long as it was about you he would do anything anything included taking care of a sick person...thing he would normally never do.

A few moments passed and you realized that not only Mammon hadn’t moved a bit but you could also feel his eyes piercing through your back.

“What is it Mammon?” You said.

You could your voice sounding a bit irritable which made you feel guilty. But you just wanted to rest... Without anyone peeping at your face.

“So um how do ya take care of a sick human ? Not that the Great Mammon doesn’t know of course it’s just—”

You turned around to look at him and you saw him blushing behind his sunglasses, avoiding your glare at all costs.

‘That totally seems like the attitude of a guy who how to take care of a human’ You thought as a smile creeped up on your lips. He was always so cute.

“*sigh* So first of all I have a big headache and I might have some fever so I need something to keep the fever down, a wet clothe or a cold compress is already good, I also have medications for headache in my drawer can you get them for me ? With a glass of water so I can swallow it. Also I might need something hot so a tea would be nice. With some honey in it to help with the sore throat!”

You could clearly see Mammon loose all of his composure as you talked. He couldn’t believe a simple human could need all of this for a simple cold but nevertheless you saw him walk towards the drawer you indicated, search a bit and get out out some medicine.

He showed it to you and you nodded.

“What’s next?” He asked.

Of course Mammon would not remember everything so you repeated : “Cold compress, water and tea with some honey”.

He disappeared out of the room for a second then came back in holding a towel dripping with water, softly put it on your head not realizing that the bed was clearly wet by now then looked at you again for his next instruction.

“Glass of water” You chuckled and Mammon disappeared once more.

He came back gave you the drink and the medicine and made sure you drank it before going downstairs to brew you some tea.

You heard a big ruckus a some point. Which you deduced was coming from Mammon who had ended up burning his hand with the hot tea.

He came into your room mumbling something that sounded a lot like “damn tea hurting my hand when I just want to impress MC—” which he immediately stopped when he saw you were looking curiously at him.

Once again he carefully watched over you as you drank his tea, smirking slightly when he heard you moan pleasantly at how good his tea was.

“Anything else ya need MC?” He asked and you shook your head ‘no’ “Well if there is anything... You call me not any of my stupid brothers all right?”

This time you nodded, barely suppressing the smile that had made it’s way on your face. Mammon was really cute wasn’t he?

He stayed for a second looking at you in silence, waiting for you to say something but you did catch on it so he started walking away and before he passed the door he somehow gathered all of his courage and turned towards you.

“Should I stay with you ?” He asked and by seeing the face he made after these his words you came to the conclusion he didn’t even think before talking “N-Not that I want to it’s just that...it might make you feel better...yeah that’s right human like affection hen they’re sick right ?!” He tried to say

“I may need a hug to fall asleep” You said with a fake weak voice.

But the bluff seemed to pass over his head since his lips extended into a big smile (that he immediately tried to hide from you).

“Aight then, if ya really want to I guess I have no choice scoot over and let the Great Mammon give ya a big warm hug” He said “But not too warm we don’t want your fever to go up again”

“See you’re already doing better at taking care of humans ! You know how fever works” You teased as you snuggled up to him “However you know nothing about how viruses spread but it’s okay I like a little stupid, it gets me hugs and love”

“S-Shut up” He muttered not even daring to look at your face.

You chuckled a bit and settled down ready to fall again covered by his comfortable warmth.

“Thanks Mammon” You whispered already loosing consciousness “for taking of me”

Mammon watched your eyes close and your torso heaving up and down then smiled and hugged a little closer:

“My human” He said out loud a smug smile on his face.

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what-the-fic-khr · 4 years

Text

felt like writing this as a half projection bc I started questioning my sexuality around 12-14 ish and anyway surprise I haven’t actually had my first kiss despite this lmaooooo. ALSO I think media of all kinds can be capable of exploring a teenagers puberty and sexuality and hormones and stuff without actually putting them in sexually explicit scenes and making them have sex on screen like. it’s possible. you can do it. it’s okay you can explore a normal part of life without sexualising children it’s okay. there’s nothing sexual or anything just kissing it should be fine I hope SO YEAH I made sure to ask people if they thought the concept of this fic would be okay prior to writing it too so hhhh

character/s: miura haru, reader-insert (female reader)

word count: 1281

warnings: maybe might be a bit embarrassing to read if you’re prone to secondhand embarrassment or smth?? awkward near the end but it’s okay. kissing and stuff it’s aight. reader and Haru might also be questioning if it’s okay to be kissing another girl, so I hope that’s not too uncomfy to read; it happens maybe once or twice. also, it’s described that reader is female

prompt: boys can’t be trusted with a girl’s first kiss, so your girl friend is the next best thing

As tests started to rear their heads, students around Namimori were left to find time to study, struggling to handle it at times.

While usually in one whole group, one Miura Haru has decided “sometimes us girls need to spend time together, too!” and set up her own little study session.

While Kyoko could spend time studying in the day, as Namimori Middle’s tests were on a different date to Midori’s, she couldn’t stay the night with you and Haru. When done, she packed her things, wished you luck for studying and bid you both farewell.

The studying after that didn’t last much longer, and with some time still left until Midori’s test in comparisons to Nami-chuu’s, Haru had decided on her own she was done with studying. You couldn’t blame her. Kyoko seemed to be the one that kept you both focused.

As night came around, the studying session evolved into the sleepover part of the event. It had been a while since either of you had just spent time in pyjamas, lounging around on pillows and doing whatever you wanted.

You couldn’t be surprised when somehow the topic of conversation slowly steered into that about boys. Haru had a tendency to do so.

“So, do you like anyone?”

Very straight to the point.

“Eh, no... There’s not anyone I like right now.”

“Oh, that’s boring! I was hoping you’d like someone!”

Haru pouted a little at this before falling to her side, landing amongst the many pillows her bed had.

“Have you ever thought about your first kiss?”

You blinked before turning your head, shrugging a little. “Not entirely... No one our age seems like the type I’d be into anyway, so I don’t think I’d be kissing them.”

Haru stared up at you before huffing out a laugh. “That’s true! There’s no way anyone our age would be worth giving my first kiss to.”

She waved her hands around, sighing pretty obnoxiously. “All the boys are... Won’t they probably just break our hearts anyway? It’s not worth it!”

You nodded a little in agreement, before shifting your weight a little nervously. “Well, what if...” You looked away when she gave you her attention again. “Does it have to be a boy...?”

“Y-You know, because none of the boys we know are that great, and those who are aren’t really our type, right?” You mumbled quickly, waving your hands in front of your chest.

Haru seemed to think this over for a few moments, weighing her options. She shot up into a sitting position and nodded firmly, just once. “You’re right! It shouldn’t be that bad if it’s another girl you know, right?”

“Besides, it can be like practice, or something, and we won’t have to worry about wasting our first kiss!” She seemed to be rambling a little.

You breathed out a little in relief. She was embarrassed, too.

“So what if we just... make it each other...?”

She held your gaze, as if trying to find something. Whether she found it or not, she nodded.

“That sounds okay...”

It was tense, and you both were shuffling around on the mattress, fiddling with the linen nervously.

“U-Um... You should come closer, then.” Your voice was quiet, and close to wavering.

Despite it, Haru inched closed to you, your knees bumping in the process. She could feel her heart beating so hard, she was worried if she got too close you’d hear it, too.

While she lifted your head up a little more, you made the first move to get closer, your noses brushing.

Her eyes were so beautiful.

She seemed to find some courage, and Haru was the one who made contact first, and you visibly jumped in surprise.

It only lasted a couple seconds, but she didn’t pull too far back. She blinked slowly, holding her breath. That was nice.

“I... think real practice would be good,” she mumbled softly. “Right?”

You nodded quickly, cheeks burning. “Yeah... Can... Can I kiss you again?”

“Yes.”

You lifted your hands, a little shaky, to rest on her cheeks and pull her closer to you once more.

This time when your lips pressed together, you felt yourself relax a little more. Your nerves were shot, but you found that Haru seemed to soothe them.

Was this right? You didn’t really care. It was practice, wasn’t it? It was practice. Practice.

Her lips were so soft. Of course they were; she took immaculate care of herself. Were yours soft? What was it like for her?

You realised your eyes had been closed when you had to open them after Haru pulled back a little to breathe.

She tilted her head a tad, thinking over her next move. She wanted more. More.

“Again...?”

You couldn’t say ‘no’ to that.

“Please.”

Haru was still before shuffling closer to you, enough that her thighs sat on yours, and she wrapped her fingers around your shirt.

She couldn’t get enough of you. Was it okay to be doing this? It felt nice. It was warm, and comforting, and good.

She pecked your lips again before mumbling, and through the haze you had to strain to hear her.

“What...?”

“Open your mouth.”

“Oh.”

Of course you listened. You wanted to keep going. You wanted to keep kissing her, and you wanted to hold her so bad, and you didn’t want to stop.

Steeling your nerves, you moved your hands to rest on her waist, only for you both to jump and pull apart when an intrusive ringtone cut through the silence.

Haru blinked a couple times before her face flushed, and it registered what was happening. “Oh, my phone- I’ll just-!”

She scrambled off of you, tripping and falling from her bed while she reached for her phone and hurrying to answer it.

Your eyes widened before you slapped your hands over your face, your fingers digging softly into your reddening cheeks, and your palms hovering over your mouth.

What was that?!

The tension in the room when she hung up was so, so thick, and you could barely breathe.

“U-Uh, Kyoko-chan just called to say she forgot a book, so she’ll be over tomorrow morning to grab it...!”

“R-Right...”

Haru shifted her weight from foot to foot, fumbling around with her phone.

“W-We should probably also... get some sleep.”

“Yes.”

Oh. You had to share a bed, didn’t you?

Haru climbed back onto her bed and pulled her blanket back, petting one side for you to get in.

Once you were both as comfortable as you could be, back to back, that heavy silence hung over you both once more. You hated it. Had you made a mistake?

“Haru-chan...?”

“Mm?”

“Do you regret that...?”

Haru stared at her wall quietly before shaking her head the best she could as she laid on her side. “No... Do you?”

“Neither... Um, I just... don’t want it to be awkward, so...”

You poked the mattress anxiously. “If it’s okay... that we continue on like usual... I’d be really happy.”

Haru swallowed thickly before rolling over to look at your back, poking between your shoulder blades. “Of course... I never want it to be awkward between us,” she mumbled.

“Let’s just get up tomorrow and be the same.”

You squeezed your eyes shut before also turning to face her, finding you had to force your eyes open.

“Okay. That sounds good.”

You both were silent, taking in each other’s features. Was friends okay? Just friends. That was good. Maybe you’d find out you both wanted more in the future, but that was for you both to discover together then. For now, friends was okay.

“Goodnight, Haru-chan.”

“Goodnight, [name]-chan.”

#miura haru #khr #katekyo hitman reborn #khr x reader #katekyo hitman reborn x reader #miura haru x reader #86 #mine #its a first kiss eeeee #my explanation for this was longer than necessary im sorry #ive just been thinkin that media is often weird as hell #like... you can talk about puberty without making teens have sex you weirdos #but yeah this stems from the fact that i started questioning around this age too bc of stuff that happened #not kissing but stuff nonetheless #i hope yall like this any way hhhhh i was nervous #and this genre isnt smth i usually write either so jfjfjdjsjs #khr imagines #katekyo hitman reborn imagines

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hazthediv · 5 years

Text

Kisses

Requested by anonymous: Hi, idk if you take requests but if you do could you do like a angst to fluff where the reader and harrison are in the same friend group and he always liked her and flirted with her they kissed a few times but then suddenly he realised he actually felt smth for her so he shut it down but then he sees her talking with other guys and gets jealous so he gets mad at her but it ends in fluff???

Pairing: Harrison Osterfield X Fem!Reader

Word Count: 3.8k

Warnings: Alcohol, a bar fight, some really badly written angst

A/N: I’ve rewritten this like three times and I still can’t seem to make it better so whatever, here it is haha

It all begun months ago – years even. When you had met Haz and his group of friends back in boarding school. You had kinda been friends the moment you had met but only that. You were closer to your girlfriends who were actually friends with him. That meant you often hung out with him and the boys but still you weren’t particularly close to him.

The first time you had kissed Haz was back at prom. You had drunk a little too much and you had danced with him all night. His lips had found yours at the end of the night, as the DJ had announced the last song. The kiss had tasted of alcohol and his lips had been soft against yours as he had kissed you almost hungrily.

It had happened again at your first college party, a few months later. And then it became frequent. Well, you didn’t see Haz frequently but when you did you always found yourself kissing him as if your life depended on it. Welp.

Tonight was not going to be different. At least you hoped. You were kind of into Haz and you liked kissing him once in a while. After all, he’s an attractive guy, who could blame you?

Your friends were coming to your place to pre-drink so you got ready listening to music as you waited for them. When they arrived, you drank with them, slowly getting tipsy, slowly getting excited for the night that was to come.

The club you were going to – Annabel’s Mayfair – was a fancy club and you were surprised that you’d even be able to go. Thanks to Haz though. The Uber ride to get there was spent listening to music, chatting with the driver who was extremely nice, explaining to you all how he had become an Uber driver.

He dropped you off in front of the doors of the club. Haz was waiting there, standing next to the bouncer. He was on his cellphone and he looked up from it as you all walked towards him. Your friends all hugged him, greeting him. When he pulled away from Laura, he looked at you for the first time that night. Your heart skipped a beat as you smiled to him.

“Hey there”, he greeted you.

“Hey.”

You just stood there for a moment, feeling awkward underneath his icy gaze.

“No hugs for me?” he asked, his brow cocked.

You chuckled as you stepped towards him, hugging him. “You div.”

He laughed in your ear as you pulled away. He looked at your face and his brows knit together. His hands fell to his side and he looked away. That sudden change of behaviour made you feel strange inside and you looked down to your feet.

You got in the club, the music already loud in there. You tried not to look at Haz, who was now stubbornly avoiding your gaze. You parted ways, you ended up with your three girlfriends. You drank some more, ordering shots with Laura, Mae and Harper. You also talked with Tom (yeah, Tom Holland, the perks of being in the same group of friends as Haz) but not once did you talk with Haz. It was almost like he was avoiding you.

It felt strange and you would be lying if you were to say that it didn’t hurt you. But you sucked it up, pretending that you were fine as you spent the rest of the night with your friends, the ones that actually talked to you.

Towards the end of the night, you found yourself standing in front of Haz. He had come out of nowhere and you were stunned to see him. He smiled softly, his eyes slowly taking in your features. His smile then fell and he looked away.

“What’s up, asshat”, you said, not even caring about the insult that had slipped from your lips.

His brows furrowed. “Hey.”

You mimicked his expression. “Have you been avoiding me, Osterfield?”

He looked away, gulping. “No, I … Why would I?”

You moved to stand in the direction he was looking at so he wouldn’t have the choice but to look at you. “I don’t know, you’ve been acting strange all night.”

“I haven’t.” His eyes fell to his feet. “Listen. I think it’s better if we stop, you know, if we stop kissing each time we… uh… go out.”

Your heart fell and you looked away. “Oh.”

Tom arrived then, throwing an arm around Haz’s shoulders. He had a goofy grin on his lips and it took him a moment to realize that he had just interrupted something.

You wondered when tears had started pricking at your eyes as you looked up to Tom, smiling sadly. “I’m going now.” Your eyes trailed to Haz as you blinked a couple of times. “Bye, Haz.”

“Woah”, Tom said. “Are you guys okay?”

You didn’t reply as you started walking away, making your way through the dancefloor. You took your phone out of your pocket to call for an Uber, never once stopping. And the part that hurt you the most was that Haz didn’t walk after you. He didn’t try to stop you.

You stepped outside as your Uber arrived. You got in, looking towards the doors of the club, hoping that Haz – anyone – was going to come check on you but nobody did. You cursed yourself mentally for having run away as the Uber driver started driving away. You hadn’t even told your friends that you had left.

You texted the group chat to tell them you were on the way home. Mae texted back a couple of minutes later.

Mae: Already? Didn’t u say u wanted to go back with Haz?

You had did. You had told the three girls about how you had developed a crush on Haz. After all, kissing him once in a while had gotten into your head.

You: Haz told me we shouldn’t kiss anymore so I guess he doesn’t have a crush on me.

Mae: Oof :/

You put your phone away, looking out the window as the driver turned on your street, slowly coming to a stop in front of your flat. You thanked him and got out, climbing the stairs to your door. You unlocked the door and got in, kicking your shoes off as you directly moved toward your room. You plopped yourself down on your bed, your thoughts wandering back to Haz.

What had changed? Why didn’t he want to kiss you anymore? It was just some harmless fun… Right? Unless he had met someone? That was the only explanation that you could come up with as you slowly drifted to sleep.

The next morning, you woke up feeling a little out of place. As if something was wrong. It took you a moment to remember what had happened with Haz. Your heart sank again and you hid your face in your pillow, trying to figure out when things had gone wrong.

You had gone out the week before and everything had been okay. You had danced together and kissed and he had even asked you to come back to his place but you had said no. Because you hadn’t yet realized about your crush and you kept repeating to yourself that you couldn’t have a one night stand with one of your friends.

Whatever.

For the next few days, you tried not to think about Haz. Which was quite harder than it looked. Somehow, each time you looked at your social media, he was there, in a story or on a picture. He was always there, behind your screen, smiling from ear to ear. It made you think that maybe Haz didn’t care about you at all. Maybe he truly had someone else in his life now.

You went on with your life, going to work and hanging out with your friends. Until one day your friends decided to go out again, with the whole group of friends. Meaning Haz would be there.

At first, you didn’t want to go. You told your friends but they weren’t having none of it. They kept telling you that you should go and make Haz jealous. Which sounded like a really good idea until you actually had to do it.

You finally decided to go, a part of you hoping that maybe you could talk to Haz. To ask why things had changed. Because even though it’d been a while you were still thinking about it. And you deserved an explanation right?

This time, you only went to a pub. Because your group of friends wanted to catch up. Which was better this way if you were being honest. It would be easier to talk to Haz that way.

You got there, looking around the pub to search for Haz. You found your group of friends and you walked towards them. You were disappointed to see that Haz was nowhere to be seen.

You sat with your friends, talking to them a little. Mae noticed how you kept looking around and she understood that you probably were waiting for Haz to arrive. So she put a drink in front of you and sent an apologetic smile your way. You tried to ignore her because you didn’t want her to know how disappointed you were. Which was way harder to do than it looked.

So Haz wasn’t coming after all. Maybe he didn’t want to see you so he had figured it was better not to come. Whatever his reason was, it made you feel sick inside. Didn’t you even deserve an explanation?

You downed your drink to Mae’s dismay before getting up, telling your friends that you had to go to the bathroom.

You went to the bathroom, taking your time on the way. You needed some time to think and to get over the fact that Haz wasn’t coming. It was the least you could do if you wanted to have some fun tonight and to not be a burden to your friends.

Before you left the bathroom, you looked at yourself in the mirror, taking a couple of deep breaths to get the courage to step out. Once you did, you moved towards the bar, where you ordered yourself a beer.

As you waited for your beer, you looked around the pub, your eyes falling on the booth where your friends were sitting. You were stunned to see that Haz was there and he was looking your way.

“Can I get something to drink for the pretty lady?” a voice said behind you.

You glanced at the guy who had talked to you before looking back at Haz who was now talking to Mae and Tom.

“Uh, already ordered a beer”, you chuckled.

“Crap”, the guy laughed and you noticed he had dimples when he smiled. Which you found totally adorable.

His grey eyes found yours again. You smiled to him as the bartender gave you your beer.

“There you go”, you said, taking a sip.

The guy smiled, tilting his head to the side. “I’m Gavin”, he softly said. “You are?”

“Y/n.” You shook his hand, your cheeks turning red as he smiled again.

“Well, Y/n, you have a beautiful smile”, Gavin complimented you.

You looked down at your beer as your cheeks turned even darker. “Thank you.”

Gavin just looked at you for a moment until you looked up, your eyes finding his. “Actually, I wanted to ask you, can I have your phone number?”

You hesitated a little but eventually gave him your number after having glanced toward Haz, your eyes finding the blue gaze you kept seeing in your dreams. If you wanted to make Haz jealous you knew you had to begin somewhere. “Text me”, you told Gavin once your eyes landed back on him. You boldly kissed his cheek before walking back to your table.

Haz was staring at you and you noticed how he had clenched his jaw as you got closer to the table. You smiled to him, a cold smile, and he looked down to the table.

“Hey, Haz”, you greeted him.

He looked up at you, his eyes dark. “Hey.”

You sat down next to him, as close as you could. He avoided your gaze, looking up to Tom, quietly asking for help.

You decided not to push him more, even though you were suddenly very angry. You didn’t know where that came from – maybe it came from the fact that he had been staring at you as if he was jealous when there was nothing between the two of you, especially now that you guys couldn’t even kiss anymore.

The night went on as you chatted with your friends, glancing to Gavin once in a while, smiling to him as you tried to see if that would make Haz jealous. And indeed, each time you looked back to Haz, he was already staring, his brows furrowed.

You ignored it for most of the night but as you drank more and more, it began making you even angrier. And your patience was slowly wearing off.

You got up from the table, moving towards the bathroom. Your eyes caught Gavin’s gaze, who moved toward you. From the corner of your eyes you could see Haz staring at you so you stopped walking, waiting for Gavin to catch up with you.

Once the guy did, you shot a look to Haz, whose eyes were still on you. Great. Time to put on a show.

“Hey so, I know you told me to text you but I was thinking that…” Gavin began but you grabbed him by the cheeks and pressed your lips on his.

He didn’t move for a moment, a little startled but then he relaxed into your touch, kissing you back. But not for long.

“Leave her alone”, Haz spat, pushing Gavin away.

Gavin chuckled, raising his hands. “You didn’t tell me you had a boyfriend, Y/n.”

“He’s not my boyfriend”, you growled, looking at Haz. “Leave me alone, Osterfield.”

“It’s time to go home”, Haz said.

You chuckled dryly as Gavin talked. “She told you to leave her alone, mate.”

“And I’m telling you to mind your fucking business”, Haz spat, venom dripping from his words.

Gavin pushed Haz as the blue-eyed boy tried to grab your arm. Things were getting out of hands but all you could do was to stand there. You watched as Haz hit Gavin and Gavin grabbed Haz, pushing him against the wall. That’s when you reacted. You tried to step between the two guys but Mae arrived behind you, pulling you away.

Gavin hit Haz, right on the cheekbone and you stared as a drop of blood rolled down Haz’s cheek.

“Hey, woah”, you yelled, getting out of Mae’s grip to push Gavin, whose fist was raised again, ready to hit Haz.

You noticed light glistening on a ring which explained why the blow had cut Haz’s cheek.

“Stop that”, you said, getting between the two guys.

Gavin chuckled dryly. “You know what, Y/n? You ain’t worth it”, he growled before walking away, his friends waiting for him a couple of meters away.

You watched him walk away for a moment, before looking around. Mae was standing behind you, her mouth agape. Behind her was Tom, who was walking your way, a concerned look on his face.

You turned around to look to Haz. “What the fuck is your problem, Osterfield?” you enquired, your voice harsh.

Haz shut his eyes before punching the wall.

“Woah, calm the fuck down”, you spat. “I’m calling an Uber and we’re leaving and I’m giving you a single chance to explain what the fuck is wrong with you before I fucking punch you myself, okay?”

Haz looked at you and you were surprised to see that his eyes held sadness. Lots of it. Your anger died down and you were just left standing there, looking at him.

“It’s not like you’d care”, Haz mumbled before walking away, toward the door.

You followed him, walking past Mae and Tom, not once glancing their way. The two of them didn’t try to stop you, knowing damn well that you and Haz had to talk.

You had to wait a full five minutes before the Uber arrived, a five minute that felt like an eternity as Haz and you both just stood there in silence. Haz was staring at his feet and he looked like a lost puppy. You almost wanted to take his hand in yours, to reassure him. Almost.

The ride was even more silent, if that was possible. Haz was looking out the window, his hand resting on the seat between the two of you. You wanted to reach out and put your hand over his… but you didn’t. You couldn’t, not after what had just happened.

The Uber dropped you at your place and you got out, thanking the driver. You moved toward the door but Haz didn’t follow you. You turned around, your eyes searching for Haz’s gaze but he was looking at his feet.

“What are you doing?” you asked.

Haz looked up at you. “Why did you kiss that guy?”

You scoffed. “Why did I kiss that guy? Why do you even care?”

Haz shook his head. “Are you serious?”

You took a deep breath, closing your eyes. “Let’s get inside, I wouldn’t want my neighbours to hear us fight.”

You opened your eyes to see Haz staring at you. He sighed deeply before moving toward you.

You fumbled for your keys, unlocking the door and then walking in. Haz hesitated before following you. You shut the door behind him, locking it before turning towards him.

“So, care to explain?” you told him.

He glanced at you before chuckling dryly. “You’re oblivious, aren’t you?”

You furrowed your brows. “Why’s that?”

Haz walked toward the living room, running a tired hand through his hair.

“Why’s that?” you repeated.

“I have feelings for you!” Haz burst out.

The silence that followed was the heaviest you had experienced in your life. “What?” you eventually let out.

“I’ve got feelings for you”, Haz said, his voice lower.

You gulped. “Then why did you tell me we couldn’t kiss anymore?” you whispered.

Haz shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know, I had this plan in my mind but things didn’t go as I thought they would”, he admitted.

You sighed, suddenly feeling drained. “Stay here, I’ll be right back.”

You moved to the bathroom, where you took a wash cloth that you wet before moving back to the living room. Haz was now sitting on your couch, his chin resting on his closed fist. You sat next to him, slowly raising your hand toward the blood on his cheek.

“Mind if I…” you trailed off.

He glanced at you. “Go on.”

You gently washed the dry blood from his cheek and then washed the small cut, earning you a grunt from Haz.

“You’re gonna have one hell of a bruise on there”, you murmured as Haz glanced at you.

He chuckled looking down at his closed fists on his thighs. “Right.”

You put down the cloth, silence spreading between the two of you. What were you supposed to say now? That you were sorry for being oblivious and not realizing that he had feelings for you when he had been the one to say he didn’t want to kiss you anymore?

Haz saved you by talking first.

“You know”, he softly said. “I had this plan to ask you out on a proper date but then you ran away and I didn’t know what to do.”

“You could have just texted me, you know?” you replied. “Or you could have followed me.”

“I didn’t know what to say”, Haz admitted. “And it’s not like we’ve texted before, we barely talk outside of our group of friends.”

“Well, that doesn’t mean we aren’t friends, right?”

Haz glanced at you. “If we were, I’m pretty sure I’ve ruined it by now.”

You held his gaze before looking away, your eyes landing on the wash cloth that was stained with blood as his gaze stayed glued on your profile. “I don’t think you have”, you finally said.

Haz looked away as the silence spread again. You figured it was your turn to speak now.

“I ran away because you hurt me”, you slowly said. “I kinda have feelings for you too and… hearing you saying that you didn’t want to kiss me anymore… it hurt me, you know.”

Haz chuckled. “I couldn’t have chosen my words in a worse way.”

You chuckled too. “I gotta admit I overreacted. And…” you paused, searching for your words. “I was trying to make you jealous. With Gavin. Didn’t think it would lead to a bar fight.”

“Sorry about that”, Haz apologized. “I… I don’t know what happened.”

“It’s okay, don’t worry”, you whispered.

“You know, I had planned to tell you we couldn’t kiss in bars anymore”, he explained. “Not like we couldn’t kiss anymore. And then I wanted to ask you out. I don’t know, it sounded great in my head.” He chuckled. “Guess I was wrong.”

You gently put a hand on his thigh. He looked at you, his eyes falling to your lips before finding your eyes again. There was a softness in his gaze in which you knew you could get lost if you were to let yourself go. His eyes made you think of the blue of the sky on a summer evening, when the sun had just set and the first stars were appearing up there. His eyes were truly the most beautiful thing about him, if you were being honest and now they were staring at you and all you could do was stare back.

Haz slowly leaned in. His hand found your cheek. He gently brushed your cheek with his thumb as his lips hesitantly found yours. You kissed softly, your lips barely touching. The kiss was entirely different from what you were used to. Kissing Haz usually was more tongue and hands trailing on your body. But right now, it was soft, hesitant and the total opposite of what you were used to but at the same time so much better than anything you had experienced before.

You pulled apart slowly, your eyes fluttering opened to find Haz already looking at you.

“Hey”, he whispered and you chuckled.

He rested his forehead against yours and you shut your eyes.

“Will you go out with me?” he enquired, hope intertwined with his words.

You laughed. “Yes, you div, I will.”

“Great”, he chuckled.

Haz kissed you again and you could feel him smiling through the kiss.

“Next time begin with that”, you murmured when you pulled apart to catch your breath. “Instead of saying some stupid shit.”

He chuckled, nodding. “I promise I will.”

You smiled to him before pressing your lips against his again.

Leave some feedback here! You can also send me a request or just talk to me about how Haz is going to be the death of all of us!

Taglist:

#kisses #harrison osterfield imagine #harrison osterfield oneshot #harrison osterfield request #harrison osterfield fanfic #harrison osterfield fanfiction #harrison osterfield fic #harrison osterfield x you #harrison osterfield x reader #harrison osterfield angst #harrison osterfield fluff #angst to fluff au #userkavvy #usersophs

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hes-writer · 5 years

Text

y/n deserves to know

The one thing I've wondered a out A Cheat is who was sending her the texts. Could you do a blurb about that? @harryspirate @kettxo

Cheating is fun for some people, sadistic little shits that get off on other people's pain, or maybe they're so used to making mistakes that they never think twice about what they do. Other times they get so insecure that they doubt the people who love them. But, being cheated on is the worst. Finding out that your significant other would rather be off being with someone that isn’t you is painful. It hurts.

His ex-girlfriend was disloyal to him, manipulated him into thinking that somehow it was his fault as to why this was happening. Made him believe that he wasn't good enough, and that he will never be wanted by anyone except her. It was a toxic relationship that he wanted to get out of for a long time, but the courage he's collected overtime wasn't enough. Knowing that she was out there purposely making herself desirable for the sole reason that she knew it would hurt him, that was the last straw.

It wasn't because he saw the marks on her neck, the purple bruises painting over what once was his. It wasn't because her aroma has drastically changed from her scent to another man's cologne. Even when she showed up an hour late to their date with sex hair and a woozy look in her eyes, he didn't tell her to leave. Instead, he suck it up because that's what he was expected of.

Irene. That was her name; hurt him deeply and shattered his heart to bits and pieces. He knew she was disloyal, yet he continued on with their relationship like nothing was wrong because even if he was hurting, his heart managed to tape itself together–somehow–for her. He came to his senses when he saw the whole thing with his own two eyes.

They both worked at the studio, well, she worked at the studio, he was just an intern; working countless hours for 'experience' but never getting paid for his efforts. That's one of the many things she constantly put him down for. They met when she was starting out her career, humble and kind but was poisoned by what could be and tapered off to nothing but rudeness and selfishness. The more opportunities she received, the more she stepped on him to get to the top. And soon, it wasn't just him. She started flirting with her bosses for 5% raises, started taking advantage of lonely men for whatever reason. Single men, at that. He knew because she was blatant about it, never really hid it from him, never even tried to.

But then came Harry. World-renowned pop star; you'd have to be living under a rock to not know that Mr. Styles himself was in a loving, long-term relationship with Y/N. Irene knew that, he knew that, but she pounced on him nonetheless. Walking in the hallways of the building, sometimes he’d be able to hear her moans and his groans if he listened closely. How Harry praised his girlfriend and not Y/N, how Irene's voice wavered saying, "you’re so much better than my boyfriend.” It hurt him and he was willing to put it aside–that's just the type of person he is, but his subconscious couldn't help but feel guilty because someone else besides him was now being affected by Irene's actions. Y/N.

You could say he decided to stop being selfish because he kept the pain all to himself at first, but he thinks that Y/N doesn't deserve it. Doesn't deserve to be so clueless to Harry cheating on her. So he did what he could. Got her number from one of the band members, it wasn't too hard since they were all pretty fond of him and nice too. They actually respected him. Treat people with kindness and all that.

He sent the picture, warning her about it but never got a reply. She probably thought that it was some seriously good photoshop. But when he saw Harry and Y/N walk through those doors, still hand in hand and seeming like the perfect couple (they were pretending for the sake of paparazzi), he didn't know that of course, his conscience couldn't take it. He wasn't attracted to her or anything, but he was a good person. He sent the second text, asking if she was wondering where they were. And wondered, she did.

He could hear them fighting in the bathroom, his heart mourning for Y/N's lost love. It still affects him to know that she was a victim as was he. He was leaning against the wall a leg kicked back to support his weight, then he saw Y/N storm out from the bathroom, tears dripping one by one. He pushed himself off.

"Hey, hey. Are you okay?"

Y/N sniffles before looking up at the strange face, "I'm fine. Thank you," she starts walking away towards the elevator wanting to go home, pack her stuff and leave Harry's life. Obviously not.

"He wasn't worth it, you know? Harry, I mean. You deserve someone better,"

Something clicks in Y/N's mind, the text messages. "W-were you the one?" He nods, smart girl.

She smiles at him gratefully, "Thank you for doing that."

"It's no problem, you deserved to know."

Y/N proceeds to the elevator, just as the doors close, Harry walks out of the washroom. Hands in his pockets while looking down, fully-dressed, he bumps into him.

"Sorry mate"

"You're a piece of shit, you know that? How are you going around, preaching others to 'treat people with kindness' when you can't even do that to your own girlfriend,"

"Fucking asshole," he mutters underneath his breath, walking away. He can’t believe he just said that to his boss.

—————-

@ynm1505

psa; cheating is n e v e r okay!

shoot me a message or drop smth in my inbox if you like it! ❤️😄

#harry #harry styles #harry styles angst #harry styles imagines #one direction #writing #angst #harry styles imagine #harry styles one shot #harry styles writings #harry styles blurbs #harry styles blurb #mywriting

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yamlog · 3 years

Text

before february comes

ok so like, it is one thing to know about smth hurtful when it has just happened but it is A COMPLETELY OTHER THING ALTOGETHER to be asked about it by someone who for some reason, thought that you knew all along all these months WHEN YOU DIDN’T. and why would i? did i not say many many times that i am NOT going to keep up? i am actively avoiding, i am keeping my feed clean and free from distractions, i NEVER look at my explore page except to follow very specific hashtags. i have been PROTECTING my peace of mind and sanity with all my energy and effort for like, what, 1.5 years. for good reason. and then to be asked (borderline informed) something so PREPOSTEROUS. do you know how sick i felt when i heard? i was trying to work and it became impossible because my brain was so confused i started feeling nauseas. i had to skip dinner and immediately take action instead of letting that horrible feeling burrow deeper into my chest. i didn’t even have to see anything in person. people sent me screenshots, telling me that they will look at it on my behalf and i shouldn’t go and see. and that’s not even the worst thing. the worst thing is all the consolation messages that came from SO MANY DIFFERENT PEOPLE later on, coming out and confessing and saying they knew and they suspected but they didn’t want to tell me because they knew i’d be shocked and disgusted and upset and they wanted to protect me from the news because i was trying to pass practicum. and i love them for that, i really do. my friends really just do want the best for me and they are not willing to start a war or actively do anything, but they do care enough to message me in private to share their thoughts on the matter. i got so many ‘i saw her story and i was so surprised,” “it’s such a shady thing to do,” and “what is she trying to prove.” then of course there were people who were very critical of the presentation and how it seems deliberately designed to mislead. and when i clarified, it just made everyone even more confused. ‘huh, if not dating then why she post as if they were’ ‘need to tag meh’ ‘she tag for who to see’ ‘is she trying to show off got a guy wait for her to end work and take many pictures of her on their dates? and then must tag the guy so everyone can see who it is even though he’s not inside?’ ‘how come her username is like a copy of your tinycl0ud’ (lmao i wish i knew the answer to this one but at this point is anyone surprised? no.) ‘is it she want his dick’ ‘dating or not dating it’s very obvious she has interest’ etc etc

so here are MY thoughts, after having talked to practically everyone in my life about it. my thoughts reflect most of what others think. i am trying to be conscious of the fact that i’m still too emotional to really formulate my own opinion, and so of course it is easier to mirror and receive the opinions of those around me. but i think until i can finish processing, i am okay with received feelings.

number one: indignation. because Yes, why the fuck even do this? sg is so fucking big and full of other men. if you want a bf or new friends it’s so easy to find. must go after your ex-friend’s ex-partner? the rest of the sg don’t have men isit? you won’t be happy unless you get to experience that which you have always envied in me isit? you tag, knowing full well that people in MY life still follow and EVERYONE knows what he looks like and who he is. so what is the fucking intention? to show that someone finds you attractive enough to take photos of you? you know, quite a few people have pointed out to me the fact that i used to be the frequent subject of his phone camera (i am grateful but i have also thankfully moved on), and that maybe you have always envied it, and now that it’s your turn you’re revelling. ppl take picture of you like you always wanted, ok good for you, but must tag to make sure everyone knows exactly who did it? so everyone knows you hang out? or maybe date? because who else would wait for you to end your shift and buy you drinks but someone you’re romantically involved with. and you tag so everyone knows it’s a guy, and it’s THAT particular guy. gross and pathetic. which brings me to the next point.

number two: disdain and disgust. why hanker after someone’s ex?? i really don’t get it. was it because on my private twitter i said that i enjoyed myself and he treated me well, so now she has it in her head that she wants the same treatment? a normal human being doesn’t do that. in fact, i have read her tweets about how much she enjoyed having sex with the guy from tinder she had a fling with, with very lengthy descriptions of his dick size and texture, and not once did i feel the need to go and experience it for myself. because there’s this thing called girl code, on top of basic human decency. normal people DON’T hanker after their friends’ exes, even after friendship ends. MORE THAN ONE EX TOO. normal people also don’t tweet stupid shit like ‘every time julian took public transport and waited outside studio i felt so envious because ___ never did that for me, even though he had a motorcycle and could go anywhere, which makes me wonder if i’m not worth being loved.’ LIKE UM OK HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL, reading something so MANIPULATIVE AND GUILT-TRIPPY ON TWITTER DOT COM. julian wasn’t a great ex (or even a great person) but he did occasionally do nice things, and you romanticise the ONE thing to the point of comparing it with your own lacking relationship?? red flag. and then when i have another ex, you hanker after what he represents once again, which is good treatment. well idk what to say but people i date generally treat me well sometimes. and the common factor here is obviously me. so even if you date the same guys i date it doesn’t mean?? u will be treated the same way?????? just a thought. it is truly extremely pathetic to hang onto hope that this Perfect Idealised Boyfriend On A Pedestal could someday be yours if you just wait long enough. you waited 2 years for your RC ex and he still dumped you for a virginal year 1. i hate him on your behalf, and never in a million years would i consider wanting him, no matter how attractive or charismatic he is. simply because, even though i hate you, i will NOT touch your exes that I KNOW FULL WELL have hurt you.

number three: anger. i don’t hate people. not really. like i don’t think i’ve ever hated anyone enough to wish they’d die a horrible and gruesome death. but the past two days i have felt anger so big it felt like my entire chest was on fire and if i screamed it would come out like a blowtorch. i wanted to take my new ceramic knife and saw off her fingers one by one and then grate her stupid ugly nose off. that was for a moment, and the moment has passed. but i don’t think the hatred will. i can very confidently say that, at least for the next two weeks or so, i will hate her enough to risk damnation. because she IS fucking despicable. and now i guess everyone knows it too.

there was a moment when i wondered why i was so stricken. i spoke to a friend to try to figure it out. i asked her, why am i so bothered. is it because if he dates her after dumping me it means that she’s better than me and that’s what i can’t stand? or is it because he actively makes time to meet her but not me, so on some level he actually does prefer her to me? then my friend said that she doesn’t think that’s the case, and that he probably can meet her PRECISELY because he doesn’t have romantic feelings and he won’t get entangled. additionally, she also reminded me that just because one man, even my ex that i loved deeper than anyone else, chooses her over me, it doesn’t mean his opinion is god’s opinion (or even a wise/informed one) and therefore it is fallacious to jump to the conclusion that he is right and that she IS better or that she has ‘won’. i added to that and said that yes, people are not prizes to begin with anyway. and yes, one man’s judgment does not determine my worth. another friend just said, very bluntly, that his initial thought was ‘let the trash take the trash out’. im still not okay with someone i still love being called trash because like, hello my feelings, but i understand his sentiments lah.

no matter how i rationalise it, i guess it does hurt that he’d spend time with her but not once try to spend time with me. i’d make all the time, i honestly would. and i have endless reserves of care and attention and i feel like over time my capacity just increases, even with the new job and the new charges. but i also know that i never had any power in this relationship. i can’t make the first move, i can’t ask for anything, i will never call the shots because it’s imbalanced from the beginning. so if he doesn’t care to meet me but cares enough about HER to meet HER then what can i do? nothing. just accept it like a horrible itchy clothing tag giving you a rash but u can’t exactly strip down bc ur in public. maybe over time he will start to think that she is right for him, she can make him happy, she is his soulmate. she will have won, my friends’ predictions will be right, i will have been wrong about his character, and once again there will be nothing i can do.

maybe it’s better that he cares so little for me he doesn’t even want to see me at all. because i don’t think my feelings have gone away. it’s magnetic. like an orbital pull. and i know that if i get a little bit i will just want all of it. it was hard enough to pull away the last time and pretend i had to go and pretend i was fine. so if he doesn’t want me in his orbit, maybe it’s actually god’s blessing in disguise and god is trying to tell me that it’s better to be untethered in space than it is to be attached to someone who doesn’t even love me. better to be unhappy on my own than believe i’m happy with someone who doesn’t want me right???

serenity prayer: grant me the serenity to accept that which i cannot change, the courage to change that which i can, and the wisdom to tell the difference.

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