IM MAKING A CALL-OUT POST ON MY TUMBLR DOT COM
KIRBY HAS NO RIGHT TO BE SO FUCKING SAD
HERES WHY
tw sad shit and cursing and gore (in my kirby post lmao)
n also long
n also kirby spoilers
THE FIRST KIRBY GAME
The first Kirby game was just - yk what Kirby's known for: food and shit
Recover the stolen food stolen by a big ass penguin king and save the world, quote 'I'll get your food back, and your sparkling stars too!'
KIRBY'S DREAMLAND (i think)
FIGHT UH
FIGHT UHHH
GIANT ASS EYE NAMED Z E R O WITH BLOOD, LIKE ACTUAL BLOOD
harmless enough right???
YES THIS IS FROM A KIRBY GAME
BUT THE LORE IMPLICATIONS OF THIS CREATURE ARE WILD
KIRBY AND THE CRYSTAL SHARDS
"oh no the fairy planet was taken over by EYE PEOPLE. lets assemble the crystal shards to go beat the shit out of them
harmless enough right???
WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK IS THAT THING???
THAT IS A KIRBY CREATURE!??!
KIRBYS RETURN TO DREAMLAND (THE LORE FROM DELUXE)
started the 'EXTREMELY FUCKED UP' trend (AS IF IT HADN'T STARTED ALREADY'
LETS MEET A LITTLE CAT EGG MAN NAMED MAGOLOR
THEY GET SHOT DOWN BY A FUCKIN FOUR* HEADED DRAGON (their name is landia :)
he's a little guy! so cute! so adorable!
so he's like
'i crashed here lmao can you help me rebuild my ship ill take you to my house if you do so'
kirby being the nice guy is like 'aight bet' and reassembles his ship
magolors like 'aight awesome' and takes them to his home planet right
kills the dragon
magolors like 'ah shit can you kill that dragon for me plz plz'
kirbys like 'aight bet'
magolors like 'aight sweet imma take this crown the dragon had and TURN INTO SATAN'
once magolor is FUCKING DEAD the SATAN CROWN POSESSES HIM?? AND TURNS INTO?? GUESS WHAT??
BRUV TURNS INTO SATAN (not an eye person today!)
kirbys like 'aight bet' and beats the sHIT OUT OF HIM
LIKE I MEAN THE EVERLOVING SHIT
A FUCKING EYE PERSON?? GAH DAMMIT!
(kirby beats the shit out of him)
NOW HERE'S WHERE THE EDGY ASS SAD ASS SHIT STARTS
IN THE BEGINNING TO MAGOLOR SOUL'S THEME (true arena) YOU CAN HEAR HIM FUCKING C R Y I N G ? EXCUSE ME? WHAT? THE WHAT? MY LITTLE EGG CAT? POSESSED BY SATAN?? NAWW
the end of return to dreamland
keep in mind his daughter never really died - but she came back kinda late so he didnt recognize heeeeerrrrr - so he kept building the thing
KIRBY PLANET ROBOBOT
(i haven't played this one bear with me)
JEFF BEZOS' DAUGHTER DIES AND HE DECIDES TO BUILD A THING TO BRING HER BACK
the thing was called star dream aka a wishing planet
yk cool the new amazon product is a wishing planet
GUESS WHO GETS POSESSED
JEFFREY
JEFFREY BEZOS
(his name is president haltmann btw)
this game has a shortage of evil eye people :(
anyway kirby beats the shit out of the planet robot screw thing star fox style
but then
it turns into the legit planet
this is a nova
it is a wishing planet
it is a cat
meowzers!
(ANYWAY AT THIS POINT HALTMANN IS FUCKING D E A D)
kirby kills the nova and we all go home yay goodness gracious this is the nicest game on this list
KIRBY TRIPLE DELUXE
once upon a time, a spider, the end
this is taranza he was my androgynous awakening
hes kidnapped the fucking penguin king god dammit
okay so you go to the sky kingdom and get some fairies to help you fight taranza (he has posessed the king, masked dedede remix go!!)
once you DEFEAT taranza and posessed for the 600th time pemguin, his WIFE SHOWS UP!! HIS WIFE!! HE GETS BITCHES!!
she looks kinda funky tbh
THERE IS A REASON WHY
ONCE UPON A YONDER TARANZA BOUGHT HER A BIRTHDAY GIFT
THIS THING WAS THE AMAZING MIRROR
AKA A MIRROR INTO A PARALLEL UNIVERSE
HE GOT IT FOR HER UNKNOWINGLY AND THOUGHT 'she likes mirros :) she will like it :)'
tHE MIRROR GAVE HER BODY DYSMORPHIA AND SHE TURNED. INTO. A. FUCKING. BEE.
queen body dysmorphia sectonia goes 'i NEED cocaina to become da prettiest girl in da werl'
taranza goes 'honey sweety you are da prettiest girl in da werl you don't need cocaina'
she slaps him and FUSES WITH A GIANT ASS FLOWER
what cocaina does to a girl
KIRBY, IS LIKE 'IM FUCKING DONE WITH YOUR SHIT'
EATS A LAZER
SHOOTS HER WITH A LAZER
SHE, I SWEAR TO GOD, DIES. SHE FUCKING DIES. SHE IS DEAD.
TARANZAS LIKE
^ did not happen
'MY WIFE IS DEAD, WHAT DO I DO?!'
'poyo'
'im gonna find you im gonna fucking find you'
instead taranza went through the denial stage of grief first
in THE NEXT GAME, HE IS SEEN HOLDING THE FLOWER SECTONIA TURNED INTO (the same species) AND FUCKIN CRYING TOO??? WHATS UP WITH THIS??? HUH??? PLEASE??? LEAVE MY LITTLE EGG MEN OUT OF THE DEPRESSION???
NOW FOR
KIRBY STAR ALLIES
THE FUCKING END
copy-pasted from my school notebook
This game, specifically, is the prime example of 'not being what it seems.'
Kirby Star Allies' plot is simple: Unkindness is spreading through the kingdom! Defeat it with the power of love! Befriend your enemies and safe the world!
Sounds pretty lighthearted, right?
Do you want the real plot?
Kirby Star Allies starts out, immediately, with a giant purple [Jamba] heart breaking and spreading smaller Jamba hearts across the world. Whoever gets close to the hearts turns evil. Pretty simple.
But it gets worse.
Kirby traverses through his home terrain, and saves his king (After said king turned buff for some reason?). After this, he notices: A giant spaceship has landed on his planet! So he goes to traverse across the planet to get to the spaceship. Pretty simple.
But it gets worse.
Turns out the spaceship is ran by three girls based upon three elements [Ice, Flame, Spark]. They said that the Jamba Heart, and the 'dark lord' would reign. Pretty simple.
But it gets worse.
So, Kirby tries to reason with them, but the maniacal dimwit of the Spark Lady destroyed the entire thing [Called a Jambastion]. So, Kirby goes to space to chase after her and her sisters. Pretty simple.
It can't get worse.
He finds a LARGER Jambastion, with a LARGER Jamba Heart, and traverses across OTHER PLANETS to find out what's going on. He gets to the Jambastion, and finds a mini cult ran by a dude named Hyness and the girls from earlier.
There's a piece of lore not included in the game, that the girls died due to their respective elements (Frostbite, burns, lightning) and Hyness saved them. First off? There are no humans in Kirby's world. How far away do they live? And Hyness is abusive now?
Hyness claims the same stuff about the Jamba Heart, only way more in depth, in the biggest chunk of tangible lore inside of a Kirby game. In five seconds.
He goes mad, and throws his adoptive daughters, and himself, into the Jamba Heart.
THIS. GOD DANG. JAMBA HEART. TURNS INTO SOME DARK-SOULS DND MONSTER THING. I CAN'T EVEN EXPLAIN IT.
It's name? Void Termina. Not ominous at all! Not ominous in my silly, friendship-based, save-the-world Kirby game!
Kirby fights this thing, on a scooter I might add, and it goes down the FIRST time. The boss has 4 phases: Dark souls, 2D boss, dark souls, 2D boss.
He GOES INTO IT'S THROAT, and with the help of his friends, PULLS IT'S HEART IN TWO.
(I'm confident he could do this on his own if he had arms)
Lovecraftian horror much?! In my silly, friendship-based, save-the-world Kirby game?!
So now the giant dark souls thing is a bird?? It grew wings?? Okay, no big deal, that's the most NORMAL THING HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. It uses giant lasers and swords and axes to defeat Kirby, as if they have beef that goes back to 1987 in the bar next to work.
Turns out, they do?
Once you defeat the giant bird of death and things, you go back into it's throat to take out it's heart a second time, because Kirby has no mercy. That heart? Turns into something. I swear to all things holy.
It turns into a Kirby.
This THING. ACCORDING TO THE LORE, IT IS INDEED ANOTHER KIRBY. BORN OF DARKNESS AND EVIL?? AND IT'S A GOD OF CHAOS??
IS KIRBY A GOD OF CHAOS??
This boss battle is fine in the normal game, it's very Basic-Kirby-Game-Esque. But the True Arena.
THE TRUE ARENA IS NOTORIOUS. I HATE IT. WE HATE IT.
The True Arena shows the real, canon if you would, version of bosses. Thus the name.
This second Kirby. Void Termina, now just called Void.
It has the best boss theme
It plays Green Greens.
(end of copy paste)
BUT THE WORST PART??
REFER TO THE MANUAL OF THE FIRST KIRBY GAME.
'I'll get your food back, and your sparkling stars too!'
VOID TERMINA SOUL'S FINAL MOVEMENT IS CALLED 'SPARKLING STAR.' I CAN'T. I CAN'T.
AND ALSO??? THOSE EYE CREATURES??
YEAH VOID TERMINA SOUL CAN TURN INTO ONE OF THOSE TOO
DOES THIS MEAN EVERY OTHER EYE CREATURE HAS JUST BEEN
ANOTHER KIRBY?
ANOTHER. FUCKING. KIRBY?
I - I CAN'T. I CAN'T HERE. WHAT. AND WHY.
THIS IS KIRBY GOD DAMN IT, 'I'll get your food back, and your sparkling stars too!,' NOT LOVECRAFTIAN HORROR SIMULATOR
im done here im done here
heres your fucking potato
and have a call out post my friend made up when i told him i was writing this
IVE GOT AN ANNOUNCEMENT, KING DEDEDE IS A BITCH ASS MOTHERFUCKER. HE STOLE MY FUCKING CAKE. THATS RIGHT, ON MY ÷×+€+×÷£TH BIRTHDAY HE WAS INVITED OVER TO CELEBRATE MY BIRTHDAY. AND THE CAKE WAS this big AND HE SAID THATS PATHETIC AND PROCEEDED TO PULL OUT A LARGE ASS SPOON TO EAT IT ALL. SO NOW IM HERE ON TUMBLR DOT COM TO MAKE A CALLOUT POST ABOUT IT. KING DEDEDE, YOU FUCKING SUCK.
rant over
ALSO THERES MORE GAMES I DIDNT COVER
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Yall, its time to ramble about visual/environmental storytelling cause this is silly article is driving me insane.
I won't argue for if the game should have had more constant and involved cutscenes like Robobot or Star Allies, but what I will say is that this game is VERY rich in story through the world design. The Forgotten Land as opposed to say the Land of the Sky in TD or the entire galaxy of Star Allies is like, DROWNING in writing and narrative. It builds so much mystery and intrigue through the theming of every world and even individual levels, with exploring both how the people of the land originally lived and how it's being reclaimed by nature and the animals.
I think the closest things maybe is Robobot and Halcandra in RTDL, the former having great little designs that key you into WHAT Haltmann is doing and what makes it so toxic. Halcandra though is the ultimate grand-daddy, the contrast between it and the Lor, and Egg Engines and Dangerous Dinner is full of theming and clues about the nature and history of the planet. AND THAT IS STORY, THAT IS WRITING! Especially when compared to say Star Allies, where most of the levels of the levels are just ye average Kirby themed fluff with little to say about the Jamba or the state they've left the galaxy in.
But when you play through the casino levels of Robobot, as well as delightful theming and level design, you see that Haltmann is erecting literally the most predatory entertainment centers imaginable. When you step off the sleek futuristic Lor into the scrapyards and wastes of Halcandra, you get fun intimidating final worlds, and a good grasp on *why* the people who made the Lor aren't around anymore, and may even start questioning why Magolor made such a great fuss of dragging you to this horrible place.
Music is also deeply important to this storytelling. Each of the factories/towers erected in ever world of Robobot's theme is a remix usually of themes related to older mechanical levels, subtly clueing you into where Haltmann go their technology from. Outside the Lor rather than the comfortable motif of Green Greens is this almost comically suspicious and disoriented theme once you're stuck on Halcandra and returning to Magolor with more doubts about his words. The final level inside of the volcano house a theme that is teasing the twist to come, and the theme for fighting Landia before the big reveal is less triumphant, and more majestic and pensive. Possibly trying to evoke more hesitance than confidence, even if most people wouldn't catch on to that on a first run.
But the cooler thing, is that while Robobot has this cool theming at key levels, and RtDL does at the end, this type of shit is pervasive ALL throughout Forgotten Land. Every world and nearly every level is a unique, well thought-out set piece! You get to see abandoned towns, cities, malls, stores, factories, resorts, and an amusement park, each which serves as more than just a fun location, but a clear picture of the world and the state its in. This intent is made clearer through the music and tone that goes out of its way to not highlight the destruction of these areas but their beauty, wonder, and mystery through the eyes of an clueless animals and our favorite pink alien.
The abandoned Alivel Malls theme is a track as upbeat and peppy as what must've played over it's speakers in it's hayday, because the hustle and bustle breathed back into it by the animals and Kirby just exploring this mysterious complex is just as lively. The theme of the Everbay Coast is peaceful and sunny despite the Holine ruins because it's as part of the scenery to the animals and Kirby as the picturesque palms and sands. And Wondaria!!!!!!!!! OMG WONDARIA WHERE TO EVEN BEGIN WITH EVERY FUCKING LEVEL AND THEME IN WONDARIA!!!
THIS IS WHY I CAN'T TAKE THAT CLAIM SERIOUSLY - y'know when I cried at Forgotten Land? In world 3. Not because of a cutscene or a line of dialogue, but just from the sheer emotion the setting evoked in me. The sweet, laid-back, starry-eyed wonder that it expressed from Kirby mixed with my own sense of nostalgia being aware of what that place was, and how beautiful it was to see it rediscovered and adored by Kirby and the animals of the Forgotten Land. It evokes such a strong feeling of bittersweetness, of existential dread comforted by the knowledge that the simple joys and memories we create places like amusement parks to share will continue on as long as there is life in the world.
And unlike some of my musings about past games, this was explicitly intentional. What truly brought the tears to my eyes was remembering an interview where the devs were explaining how they were trying to keep the tone light and Kumazaki said specifically they wanted to evoke peace and beauty rather than loss.
LIKE THIS IS WRITING! This is storytelling, this is intention. It's just subtle, but not at all unimportant, and it ties into the more overarching plot. It raises the question constantly of where the people went that is answered by Forgo, and expresses the dichotomy between the simple innocence of the animals compared to the ambitions of the people who abandoned them and that is now possessing their leader. It creates stakes for Elfilis and Forgo's intentions to destroy everything so beautiful and pure about the current world, but as it absolves the current world of guilt, it puts into perspective JUST HOW LONG Forgo must have been locked away that things changed so much. And as softly as the exploits of the original people are portrayed by the game, knowing their treatment of Eliflis and Forgo as a thing of entertainment and tool for innovation is sickening placed in contrast with it.
Like back to Wondaria, the way it shows how much space travel must have pervaded the imagination and escapism of the people either before or after Forgo's arrival is insanely smart. And it gives me chills in the best way seeing Kirby run around images of cartoon aliens from a civilization who would never meet him. Of Kirby, Elfilin, and Bandana sticking their head into a cardboard cutout of an astronaut meeting an alien, with the text "wish you were here" above in a script they don't even understand. A SCRIPT THE WRITERS MADE FOR THIS GAME SO THAT THEY COULD ADD MESSAGES LIKE THAT INTO THE WORLD FOR KEEN PLAYERS TO NOTICE AND MAKE CONNECTIONS.
Like it's insane. The dedication the Hal Labs has to stuff like this is maddening! It's so sweet and heartfelt and crafty, I'm so pissed off how little respect it gets because people don't understand visual storytelling!!!!! Saying Forgotten Land is light on story is preposterous, it might just be one of the most finely crafted stories the series has had to date, and is just a really solid piece of science fantasy writing in general honestly. It is packed with environmental storytelling that drives me Up The Fucking Wall, Man.
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