#like genuinely… think about saying that to someone irl. someone you talk to everyday. the privacy excuse is frankly bullshit

[our-polyamorous-experience]

So, I thought I was monogamous until I got a gf.

I love her, I love her so much, I genuinely am being risked disowned just so I can be with her. She is literally the light of my life.

Now my problem is, despite my love for her, I feel like something is just missing, idek if that is the right term for it. But I feel it.

I have dreamed of having another man in our relationship, just another guy along with her, in my head it feels like it would complete it. But like, I don't even know any thing about being poly, I have never thought myself to be polyamorous, I don't know if what I am saying even aligns with being poly.

But its not even sexual, I rarely think of it as sexual, just as a relationship. I know I am the dominant one in our relationship, not just in the bedroom, but overall, I am someone she can lean on.

But I want someone to lean on, I want a man, I want a boyfriend so fucking badly. I want someone I can share her with, I want someone she can look at and love just as much as me. And be someone he can love just as much as her and vice versa.

I have been raised in a super religious, super conservative household, I am eighteen, this is all so so new to me. I feel like I'm being perverted, or gross, or wrong, and I am so fucking terrified to bring it up with her, especially cause we're long distance.

But I love her, I love her with all of my heart, everyday I talk to her, I have talked with her more than anyone else in my entire life, she is my best friend. I don't even know if this counts as being poly.

I know I've got my whole life to figure this out, but man I was the ten year old who had a 20 year plan because I desperately needed structure and I am no different in my relationship or in figuring out my sexuality/gender.

Idek what this was. Should I talk to her about this? I can live without it, I know I can, but I feel like its something I need not want. We havent been together for even six months yet, maybe I should wait until we're more secure in our relationship. Brother, I do not know.

Anyway, thank you for listening and thank you for your blog. These are things I could never voice irl so having blogs like you does make a difference.

im gonna be so fr idk what to tell you other than "yeag that definitely sounds like youre poly". I'm glad youre starting to be able to figure yourself out, anon.

#our polyamorous experiences #polyamory #sinastre answers asks

[boba-beom]

❦ who gets hurt (before / during / after the talking stage) | OT5

pairing(s): txt x s/o (gn!reader)

genre: angst | headcanon

warning(s): a little heart heavy, lowercase intended, mentions about broken relationships, unrequited feelings, tendency to fall out of love, rejection, playing with emotions, lowkey leading on

summary: each member is their own person working in their own way. some personalities clash, and some don’t. but not every talking stage ends in a healthy relationship.

disclaimer: just a reminder that this does not represent the idol irl in any way, it's just my thoughts for entertainment.

wc: 954

note: you just know I’m about to recommend Hurt by New Jeans. Le Sserafim’s Sour Grapes is a little similar too! it’s been a while since I wrote some angst so here it goess,, majority of these are what I thought of and I also discussed these ideas with my baby @yjusei thank you for adding on the bonus ideas for soobin <3

taglist: @wccycc @ericyjun @hotboyyeonjun @bluejin0812 @lizdevorak @luvsoobs @yeonyeonyeonjun @fairybin @laylasbunbunny @junniieesbby @kyrkitten @acaiasahi @fairyoftaehyun @hyuntaena @choiwrld @potaeto-writes-on-wp @itmehc @fairybinie @cha0thicpisces (fill in this form to be part of a taglist)

CHOI YEONJUN — does the hurting and gets hurt: he flirts a lot in general, but when he genuinely really likes you and tells you that, you refuse to believe him. you're thinking you're just some type of game to him along with the other people he talks to. he tries so hard to convince you but you just can’t trust him because he literally flirts and plays too much. you’re scared of being hurt by someone like him; someone who literally has everyone falling by his feet and has countless options, and yet he's also hurting that he doesn't know how else to convince you that he genuinely wants to be with you.

CHOI SOOBIN — would get hurt: he is so gentle and has so much love to give, but some people take advantage of that and only care about going to these fancy places and doing things they want because soobin's previously mentioned that he’d say yes to whatever his gf/ s/o would say. in the end when he realises that, he voices it out to tell them they should try staying in or saving money instead of blowing it away, and that s/o is fed up of him being a party pooper that they call off the relationship and finds another guy to spend money with. soobin isn't stingy, no, he's just becoming aware that the only time majority of his past s/o's would want to spend time with him is when money is involved. he'd like to have some nights when you stay in and binge watch his favourite anime or you two start an anime that neither of you have watched before, but he hasn't experienced that yet.

BONUS: an alternative is that soobin would be doing the hurting. soobin, as a leader, is so used to needing to maintain such a perfect image with restrictions to a lot of things, so when he enters a relationship it's his form of escapism. the relationship just wouldn't be stable. he has this side of him that no one really knows, he can't show them off even if he wanted to because he has his everyday duties and responsibilities. and when he eventually has a partner to show off this unknown side of him, he associates all fun stuff – that he hasn't been able to do – with that relationship; resulting on the relationship leaning more towards the 'fun' dynamic rather than an emotional thing. and due to the lack of emotional connection – mostly from soobin's side – there would be a possibility of the relationship falling into an on-and-off pattern. seeming he may be irritated once his fun is done or interrupted, he'd call off the relationship only for him to get back with you again in a matter of a couple of days, only for the cycle to repeat.

CHOI BEOMGYU — the one who does the hurting: though he’s got this playful and extremely loveable side of him that we are aware of, he isn’t interested in relationships at the moment, or for a long while; he just wants to focus on himself, his career and do things the traditional way. he's got this work ethic that he genuinely enjoy's what he does, and although he may find people attractive and start conversations with them, he just knows that it's only temporary and has this mindset that there's no point in pursuing something that isn't event there in the long run. there are chances he would talk to someone he's attracted to but it wouldn't go past the talking stage — he's set on the thought that it'll be temporary and will not hesitate to turn them down if they are wanting to be something more. he’s such a mommy’s boy that he puts his efforts towards and prioritises his own family before thinking about getting into a relationship. he wants to live the best life to the fullest without the thought of a relationship having to weigh him down / prevent him from doing things he wants to do.

KANG TAEHYUN — does the hurting and gets hurt: he believes that the chances of two people liking each other is extremely narrow, so he straight up tells you that he isn’t really into you. at most, and if you're that interesting to him, he'd ask if you two can still stay in contact and be just friends. but when he does find someone who he’s into, he plays hard to get with his walls up and guarded, and tells you the same thing as he always does, but eventually, you convince yourself that he doesn’t like you in that way at all. and when he sees someone else flirting with you he gets jealous and literally took it upon himself 😭 it's his fault you've fallen in the arms of another person when he literally had you in the palm of his hand but decided to let it go, he's too shameless to ask you to come back to him just so he could show you how much he liked you.

HUENINGKAI — would get hurt: again, he loves too easily. he’s literally so precious and I feel like people either don’t stay in a relationship for long / don’t reciprocate that feeling because they see him as too nice, because he’s genuinely a pure soul. some people would go for people like yeonjun with a more wild and out going personality. and he envies yeonjun for that wild side that he may not have, or beomgyu's loud and out-going side because he thinks it's easier to date people of those personalities. he’d get a little insecure about it, especially if someone in the past has left him for someone of that category and would be a little scared to love again 🥺

© boba-beom ; do not repost, copy, alter or translate in any way.

#kpclub #kflixnet #hybenet #txt angst #txt headcanons #txt imagines #txt scenarios #yeonjun angst #yeonjun headcanons #yeonjun imagines #yeonjun scenarios #soobin angst #soobin headcanons #soobin imagines #soobin scenarios #beomgyu angst #beomgyu headcanons #beomgyu imagines #beomgyu scenarios #taehyun angst #taehyun headcanons #taehyun imagines #taehyun scenarios #hueningkai angst #hueningkai headcanons #hueningkai imagines #hueningkai sceanrios

[ashsostrange]

I'm honestly surprised at the amount of people who are still supporting him.He's got his little ((whats left of them at least)) fan base wrapped around his fingers.

“ He’s a minor he cant think for himself, his brain ain't developed!!” “ You don't know what it's like for him at home!” my fav so far “y'all are ablest and racist!! Yall don't care about black people!”

Bitch no one gives a fuck that he is black!! Motherfucker is telling people/threatening to eat glass to get away from what he's said to people. Calling someone out for gaslighting and trying to manipulate people with that shit ain't racist. Also using self diagnosis and laying about taking pill that will “get you high” as a way to get out of all his call outs. This is the stupidest shit I have seen while being on tumblr for the past three or so years like damn!!💆🏾‍♀️

perioddd!! lemme talk my shit again

i honestly giggled when his bf tried to say “y’all hate black people” when pretty much everyone speaking on him is black. why would i do that bc he’s black?? i’m black, not to mention a darskin girl. do with that info what you will.

ppl wna make us seem like bullies so bad. this isn’t just about what happened w catty, hell, it’s hardly about her at all! it’s ab his behavior in general. it’s inappropriate! if he would’ve just owned up, there wouldn’t have been a problem. i’m not obsessed w this nigga, i don’t care to go out of my way to make a post ab him everyday. he’s the one who escalated this further. he only wants us to “mind our business” when we’re not coming for his neck.

ab his mental health, if he doesn’t have a real diagnosis, he needs to not claim mental illnesses like that, but rather acknowledge that something is wrong with him. if you make a mistake, you need to not blame every damn thing on your said mental illness. if anything it’s a justification, but never an excuse. take the initiative to look at yourself and decide if you’re in the right headspace to be on the internet or not. i struggle with mental health, but not in the way he allegedly does. if ik i’m not in the right headspace for something, i step away. he needs to do that. and invest in a diary.

i genuinely don’t know why people are defending him when he did this to himself. if woulda stopped riding my dick like beyoncé rode that surfboard, then maybe we wouldn’t be here right now. accountability isn’t a bad thing. we’ve all made mistakes. i know i’ve made many, it’s about how you address them that matters.

i was literally defending his lame ass when he was sending inboxes as an anon to cause more mess between these two girls. yao was saying he was behind the anon and obv i didn’t believe her bc it wasn’t making sense to me at the time, and there was no real way to prove it. but then he started sending her hella inboxes and tagged all his mutuals saying “war has begun” a whole day later. when i tell you i showed one of my bsfs that post and we LAUGHEDD 🤣🤣🤣 nigga this is tumblrrrr, not a battlefield! from that day i’ve been watching him lmao. didn’t wna say anything about his behavior until i gathered more info cuz i’m not a mean girl (and didn’t want his army bombarding my inbox), but this is ridiculous.

and i’m so glad lia dmed me one day so we could discuss his weirdness. we literally played his ass and he didn’t know. bro was sending her msgs talking ab “i liked your new fic, but you blocked me” and he was the only one she had blocked recently. he sent so many hateful msgs under anon after that, nd he was reblogging it acting like it wasn’t him like… ok weird nigga.

i’m not ableist or “racist” (i’m literally fucking black!) fuck i gotta b ableist for? i’m the last person to rock w any kind of tomfoolery, and all my mutuals and irls know that. i’m unapologetically me on this blog. what you see is who i am.

“he’s a minor!!” so are the rest of us dealing with his bs bro. i’m literally SIXTEEN 😭

like i said, in most situations, if multiple people (with good morals) are telling you that you’re wrong, you can’t be right. i was never disrespectful with him to begin with. you get disrespectful with me, i get disrespectful with you. don’t care who you are ✌️like thank yewww

#ash spills 🌺

[sxtaep]

You only got horny once? That means that you're purer and better than most of us here 😭😭😭😭😭😭. What did tht guy do to ruin you? 👀

THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING BUT WE’RE GONNA TALK ABOUT IT BECAUSE WE NEED SOME TMI AROUND HERE 😭😭😭

it’s probably nothing serious and petty to some of you BUT THIS FUCKED ME UP DIFFERENTLY 😭

get ready for a long, boring story time guys

tw: jahanara being fucking stupid

ok i’ve mentioned this guy before, but let’s call him X for this storyline 😭

so, me and X have known each other since we were 11, we went to the same secondary school and ended up going to the same college. we weren’t close in secondary school, he was just a classmate and a mutual friend and that was it really.

going round to september 2020 when college started, that’s when we found out that we went to the same college and a lot of our mutual friends also joined us there so that’s when we started getting close along with our other friends.

it all started with a game of among us and then a server on discord where we used to play and talk everyday 😭 it was really fun and i guess that stemmed my liking towards him?

he was so nice and funny and he’d always be nicer to me compared to everyone else in our friend group and that just threw me totally off-guard.

in college when we’d meet up before/after our classes, we’d be with the rest of our friends just chilling and stuff or we’d be walking home together talking about the most random things (mostly aot).

now now, everyone in our friend group knew that i used to write smut and ffs and stuff so they’d always tease me about it, but he in particular would ask me questions like “how do you come up with this stuff?” “are you even into any of the things you write?” and i’m guessing he used that against me later on, you’ll see.

i think around December 2020 was when i became absolutely certain that i had a crush on him and IT WAS KILLING MEEE and it was the night of my birthday, i was talking to my close friends and i told them i was gonna confess just to get it off my chest and they were very onboard and supportive about it, so i messaged him.

surprisingly, he was very nice and normal about it which was weird because he’s the most unemotional person in the world 😭 but yeah, he said he appreciates it but he wasn’t looking for a relationship or anything and he’s more focused on his studies and i reassured him like “oh, i’m not looking for a relationship either, i’m just telling you to get it out of the way.”

like genuinely, i didn’t want a relationship, YOU GUYS KNOW ME 💀😭 but yeah, and he goes “you deserve someone a lot better than me anyway,” which made me go ??? wow really?

we ended the conversation on a good note and basically got on with our lives as normal.

two weeks go by and suddenly he’s being so distant towards me?? he was actively speaking on the groupchats we were in and taking to other people but whenever i tried to speak to him ON THE GROUP CHAT, he’d just ignore me and i was thinking ????? ok then, what did i do to him?

it got quite bad to the point where he’d just be openly rude to me and making unsolicited jokes towards me (and other people) so we were all like what the hell???

he also VERY SPECIFICALLY SAID “jahanara is not funny” which tbh idrc about bc a lot of my irls say i’m the least funniest in the group 😭 but my mates were still there to defend me like their lives depend on it (love them fr 😭) and then he goes again, “jahanara is not funny. at all.” IM LIKE DAMN DUDE WHAT DID I DO TO YOU?

of course i ignored it and didn’t say anything because i HATE confrontation so i just left it.

X was close with my friend L, so she asked him why he was being so rude and distant to me and he goes “i didn’t want jahanara liking me because i knew she would end up hurt, so i made it seem like i’m a dickhead,” AND HE THOUGHT IT WAS SUCH A GOOD IDEA 💀💀💀 it was not.

around february 2021, i was getting very very excited for the grammys because i thought bts would win and so i put a poll on my snapchat story that said ‘if bts win a grammy, i will _____’

that gained a lot of traction and people were sending crazy suggestions and one of my close friends was like “you should masturbate” AND I WAS LIKE GIRL???? ARE YOU FR???

and she was dead serious SO AS A JOKE, i added that onto the poll and everyone voted for that option because everyone saw me as the overtly horny virgin for bts that has never touched herself before because she’s scared 😭😭

i think a day before the grammys, everyone on the groupchat was talking about it, even the non-armys in our friend group were so invested in me doing this if bts won 😭 and they were all giving me tips and stuff and suddenly X goes “message me when you do it.”

i didn’t think much of it because my best friend also told me to message her when i do it which was so embarrassing 💀😭

so the grammys start, it’s about 2am march 15th 2020, and i’m sitting there waiting for them to announce who on, and of course, bts lost. i was bummed that they didn’t win but i thought fuck it, let me just do it once and get it over with because im an adult, how have i not done it before?

i send a snap of myself with a thumbs up to my best friend and X and i was like “wish me luck guys” and i was shitting bricks 😭

obviously i didn’t know what to do or how to start, but X responded to my snap straight away and he asked me if i knew what to do and i said no 💀 and i guess he kind of… got me started????

this is so embarrassing but he did actually help me get in the mood, he texted me a bit, yk just telling me how to get started AND I DONT KNOW WHAT CAME OVER MY HEAD BUT I SENT HIM NUDES 😭😭😭😭 LIKE NOT FULL ON FRONTAL NUDES, JUST LIKE…. A TITTY PIC OR TWO. OR THREE (bare in mind, i genuinely thought he was helping me because he liked me back 3 months after i confessed).

like seriously, idk what possessed me to send him nudes, i think i was very h word and gripped onto the fact that he may have actually had feelings for me 😭

he screenshot all of them and he was feeding me with so many compliments and praise and yk pulling the whole “pretty girl” “good girl” thing and that really got me going 😭

OH AND THEN HE PHONED MEEEE AND HE GUIDING ME THROUGH THE PHONEEEE AND THAT DID IT FOR ME that was the first time i actually felt very GENUINELY turned on, LIKE I WAS ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR, THIGHS LITERALLY SHAKINGGGGG AND THROBBING AND I WAS SHOCKED BECAUSE IS THIS HOW ITS SUPPOSED TO FEEL??????

he was also… getting off too, i heard it all so that also blinded me into thinking he had feelings for me too 💀💀💀

he was doing the whole “if i was with you rn, i’d treat you so good” blah blah blah yk? the usual stuff, and i’m pretty sure we were at it for a good 40 minutes before wrapping up because i genuinely couldn’t finish and i hear a lot of women don’t finish often so i figured it was normal.

we said goodnight to each other and ended the call and the next day he sends a message on the groupchat and he goes “how was it, jahanara?” and i didn’t know what to say so i just went “yep, good. very good.” like we were playing this 'lets keep this between ourselves'.

i fully thought he liked me back after that night 😭 bro i was so blind 💀

i ended up telling my best friend because she has no other friends fr she’s my ride or die, so i just told her and the keeping it a secret thing didn’t last because one of X’s friends messaged me asking about it and i was like ….. how do you know?

turned out, X told his friend about it WHICH IMMEDIATELY GOT ME THINKING, OH NO WHAT IF HE SHOWED THE PICS I SENT??? so i messaged him asking him to delete them and he did, with proof, thank god .

everyone ended up finding out about what happened that night so everytime it was mentioned, it was just so awkward between us.

this all happened during the december-march 2021 lockdown we had and the lockdown ended on the 17th so i saw him that day it was so awkward being around him after that, i just knew things would never be the same.

i’d say around may, he started gaining an interest in one of my friends (a very close online friend) let’s call her D after i posted a photo of her on my story.

he kept asking questions about whether she had a boyfriend and stuff and me being me, completely impartial, i told him no, she doesn’t have a boyfriend, and then he wanted to add her on snap so i gave it to him.

i checked in with my friend D and she said she was fine being added by him and she had absolutely no interest in him the way he did AND she knew i liked him so she was never going to pursue anything anyway.

she added him back and X was trying to flirt with her and D thought it was the most embarrassing thing ever trying so hard to win her over.

he spent a good couple weeks chatting her up and begging for photos (nudes, duh) and she didn’t give them so he kind stopped with all the messages.

i knew everything because D was telling me what he was doing and i thought… God wtf? is this who i really like?

a lot of our friends found out about it and confronted him going “why would you go after jahanara’s friend begging for nudes when you know she still likes you?” and he got so much shit for it he took it out on me, again, being rude and making insensitive comments about everything and from there everything just fizzled.

i removed him everywhere, snapchat, instagram, his number, discord etc etc and he did the same apparently i couldn’t care less.

he became this guy that was so hard to talk to without getting attacked for no reason and he started spewing all this shit about what happened on grammys night, and just talking so much bs but me being me, i didn’t say anything about it or confront him about it so i just left it and let everyone else say what they wanted.

throughout 2021/22 everything died down, the groupchat became less active, people were talking a lot less, X was still bitching around me and being rude but whatever. everyone started uni so the groupchat actually died out so now interactions are very scarce.

this whole story pretty much stemmed my dislike towards males and relationships and sexual encounters. i haven’t even ATTEMPTED to be intimiate with myself since march 2020 because i’m always gonna be reminded of him and what he did, telling all his mates about it and what-not.

can’t even bring myself to wear the same pyjamas i wore that night because it makes me feel icky ☹️

but ye, that’s the story in balamory 😁 hope you guys enjoyed 😁👍

bared my titties for someone that wasn’t bangtan, i can’t believe it

#finally out in the open #it’s ok to laugh guys #i also laugh at my stupidity #random #storytime

[s1uttykitty]

Hi pretty kitty, your stranger is exhausted after a long day and doesn't have many words. I'd like to read your words <3

What do you enjoy doing in your free time?

When was the last time you felt really good, happy or excited about something?

Where do you feel your happiness in your body?

How do you show your care for others?

Who/m makes you feel good about yourself and why?

Are you proud of yourself?

-curiously, your mysterious stranger <3

(I haven't answered this yet but my pronouns are he/they)

Hi sweetheart,

I'm sorry you're so exhausted, but I'm so glad you still stopped in to leave me another message <3 I wish I could help take care of you, both in horny ways and not, though that shouldn't surprise you; you know how I am. I'm always happy to do the talking when I have prompts!

In my free time (which I feel like I haven't actually had in... a while) I love to do crafts like crochet and cross-stitch, read, watch my fixation shows, or when my social anxiety is low and the weather is nice, hike! The only problem with crafts, which I fucking looove to do, is my hands have been getting worse and I have to take breaks. Crochet is nowhere near as bad, but I have a couple cool projects I was cross-stitching that have been put on indefinite hold.

The last time I felt really good/happy/excited.... I'd say when I was on video call with my friend Quinn the other day! I've known them for a couple years now and have seen them but never heard their voice and definitely never had a video call, but it was so fucking nice. I'm uh... quite big on voices, especially of people I care a lot about, and I was blushing up a storm hearing them talk even before anything sexual came up! I just felt so at ease and relaxed and... happy <3 and yes, I melted even more when they started teasing me and hearing the phrase "use your words" did me in (as it does with the few people that have used it on me). Getting to see/hear their reactions to my reactions was gold.

Oooof... happiness in my body? That is a difficult one, which I'm sure you expected. It's a combination of self deprecation and consistent pain that make it hard, but if I had to choose I guess I'd say my tummy? I go back and forth on actually liking my tummy, but even when I don't, I know other people do and that helps. I also sometimes just sort of grab/knead my belly as something to hold onto, which brings me calm.

My care for others often comes in the form of cooking/baking or touch in person, or in the form of checking in via voice notes or texts if online. I worry a lot that I'm overbearing or annoying, so I get stuck in trying to back off and then worry I'm being too distant, but giving someone attention and servicing however I can is probably how I'd explain how I show my care. Feeling useful is how I feel like I'm helping other people.

My pup/partner and my friends, as well as you - and I mean that genuinely - make me feel better about myself. I really don't have many people irl, mostly coworkers and one fandom friend that happens to live just an hour away, but I don't find myself on the same level of interaction with them as I do with friends online (both horny friends and those I've met in fandom spaces and expanded the friendship from there). My few irl friends help me with smaller things, like complimenting my outfits/earrings and when I've tried dipping my toes back into makeup lately. But really it's my pup, the couple of mutuals/close friends I've met irl, a couple of mutuals I haven't visited but talk to nearly everyday, and you, who make me feel good and wanted and cared for and loved. I may not be good at understanding types of love and attraction unless explicitly spelled out, but I still feel it, intensely and cumulatively. <3

I... think I'm proud of myself. Sometimes I don't, but I am right now. I finished moving back in with family temporarily so that I can start to save money (even if they don't validate my transness), and I'm starting the process of figuring out where to relocate and where I might go with my career. I also am consistently staying alive, for which I'm both glad and proud considering my struggles (I've never made an attempt but I've had... habits in the past, and still have intrusive thoughts).

I myself am gonna fall asleep soon I think, I've had a long day with a range of emotional exhaustion thrown in. I've been feeling particularly lonely lately due to circumstances, but you are absolutely a part of what makes me feel better. I also gave myself an undercut tonight for Mental Health Reasons too lol

#noted on the pronouns baby <3 #also pls tell me if any terms of endearment make you uncomfortable! or if you'd rather I stick to any in particular. #i'm gonna be a broken record and tell you yet again that i care deeply about you #mysterious stranger #answered

[borderlinecatboy]

I'm so ugh. I keep fucking relapsing an like I know I do have some of control over it I just can't stop at the same time. It's like everytime the scabs fade I have to make new ones. I feel bad or wrong when i don't have any. I can't stop until they scar but I'll never know if they do because my fucking stretch marks in the way.

And everytime I do it I feel like such a disappointment like I'm letting down and hurting my friends. Not my irls fuck those assholes I mean my online friends. I just feel like a shitty person bc what is so bad about my life that warrants taking a plastic knife to my hip? I'm too pussy to even try to cut deep, or at least as deep as you can with fucking plastic. Embarrassing.

And I'm so so afraid of my mom or grandma seeing them. They will actually kill me. My sister's reaction would just piss me off. Ik my irls will just be mad at me for not telling them, dicks. Acting like they're entitled to knowing everything about me but never telling me anything about them.

I promised myself that when i got out of this God forsaken house id do it for real. With a designated knife just for harming myself. Make it all cutesy for that twisted irony affect. I wouldn't have to hide it anymore. It'd be on other limbs too. Not just my one hip. It'd be so freeing.

Not to forget how I feel so fucking fat lately. I don't even know how much i weigh and it's lowkey stressing me out. I haven't been 100 pound in a good while n it's. Ugh. The scale in my house doesn't fucking work anymore. I think. It doesn't help that I just keep eating and eating, especially sweets I just. Ugh. I keep trying to starve myself but i keep giving into temptation. I'm genuinely so fucking upset over this why can't I just be good. Honestly i think starving myself is what gave me those heartburn problems but whatever. I just wanna be 100 pounds again. I'm only worth anything when I'm small. It's the only time people fucking say anything about my body in a nonsexual way and fuck. People always tell me I have the ideal skinny body and I need to keep it or I'll never fucking be worth anything, ya know? And at the rate I'm eating (two decent meals a day plus a handful of snacks, usually dessert type ones) I'll never get that.

I know I shouldn't 'feel' fat I'm well aware I'm still technically a skeleton but when you grow up hearing the shit I did from mainly my own mother or other fuckhead adult women you'd feel the fucking same too. I fucking hate it here.

I only got 'better' because food was appetizing again and passing out at cheer would've been fucking embarrassing. N now cheer is over I was contemplating starting again n then the other day my mom told me that my 'five course meals' so like a plate of bacon or ramen were gonna catch up to me. Pretty much saying I was getting fat which fuck shes right but I wish she didn't say it to my fucking face. God it's disgusting how I often I eat now. She just pretty much gave me a reason to start up again but I'm so fucking weak and pathetic I can't even bring myself to stop.

I just feel so alone nowadays. I have no one to talk to. So much shit bottled up but I can't burden people with it because it's all so. Miniscule that I'm just an asshole for even having those problems. I can never shut my fucking mouth I feel like I scare everyone away and it's honestly deserved. Someone as horrible as me doesn't deserve the comfort I crave. I'm so desperate for attention it's fucking pathetic. I want to cry but I don't deserve it. I don't deserve anything good because I am a monster. I deserve nothing but the pain I feel everyday or just fucking death. I'm just a pest.

Sometimes I wish my ex was abusive. Not because I want a reason to hate him, if anything I'm looking for reasons *that one* encounter was just a mishap. I just crave it. I want to be hurt worse than I ever even was which isn't very fucking hard to achieve since barely anything even happened. I want horrible things done to me I crave it it's embarrassing. It's like im fucking. Romanticizing something people take for-fucking-ever to heal from for my own sick satisfaction.

That one encounter. I just don't even know what to make out of it. Haha make out. It's funny bc we were making out n I could feel his fucking erection through his pants. Presumably erection. I'm a fucking prude with a vagina and I never really did watch porn with actual dicks involved. Either way it was fucking uncomfortable and I remember trying to discretely move bc embarrassment + he was always awkward as fuck n I really couldn't I was just trapped on his lap. My problem is, I don't know if he was holding me there or if my brain is trying to turn him into the enemy. He did ask what was wrong and I said nothing so it is technically my fault. I'm not going anymore into this because I know I'll start reliving the moment (aka my body feeling like it's happening again) and I just can-fucking-not deal with that right now.

Even if i want nothing to do with my ex he was the only person where I was their number 1. He was also the last person I wanted to be that. Growing up I was my 'bffs' back up friend. When their new friend no longer wanted anything to do with them, they'd come crawling right back to me. It's been the same since elementary school and I'm so fucking sick of it. I just want to be there person someone thinks of first, their comfort zone, someone they gravitate to unconsciously. I just want to be loved the way i love others. I'll never be important to anyone it seems. It's just something about me. Maybe I'm to childish or self centered or annoying or untrustworthy or maybe I'm just a horrible person but everyone pities me too much to say anything. Like they all secretly hate me but they all know I'm pathetic and would never survive on my own so they keep me around as a safety net for when their important people fail them.

I seriously need to just stop burdening others with my existence.

[obscureashe]

Heylo here! I came here for the valentine special (HELPP)

I’m Joey, he/him pronouns, transgender lithromantic, leo, adhd (self-diagnosed but for a good reason)

PERSONALITY: im a pretty chill and easygoing person, i like to rant about my interests a lot and I’m pretty good achiever im very focused but im also pretty lazy person when i feel burnt out, i prefer to be alone when working but then i would really want to work with others, i don’t talk a lot and im very bad at communicating and I’m scared that Ill say something wrong and get weird looks, im more like a person who has a Ena Shinonome Personality but anyways I also like to make sexual jokes when im completely comfortable when im with a person, at first I am a very Awkward person so I would probably have to get to know the person a little more before I can be myself around them

I have severe anxiety so it’s hard for me to feel like im normal because I feel like people judge me for being me. I’m afraid of what they think about me when they see me or talk to me. I do not like rude people at ALL. I am a very kind person and when someone starts being rude to me I throw hurtful insults that I don’t mean because they made me snap so I don’t know how to control myself afterwards. Also I don’t know how to comfort people. I just don’t know how and I’m afraid I’ll mess up and make them feel worse.

LIKES:

I love the color black a lot. Including with other darker colors. And I do like lighter colors like blue, green, red, yellow, etc, I like romance and dark genre’s, i love reading manga/books and watching stuff too, and I absolutely love music i wouldn’t know what to do with my life if there wasn’t music, i also like theater and musicals, i also love gaming a lot bc I have a lot of games, i like rhythm games the most, i also love lemon demon/neil cicierega in general, i love being with my online/irl friends a lot, i love hotels too and I like eating bread and my favorite animal is a shark, im also a goth/medalhead! and i play the electric guitar everyday

DISLIKES:

negitive mentions of my voice, comparing me to people/saying stuff like "you remind me of ____", also spiders like good god no. i dislike very rude people, hot weather, talking on the phone and I think that’s it.

also im on with pretty much anyone romantically and platonically as well, so just have fun with this request :) thank you!

I honestly love your request ♡ so thanks for sending me one! + you're the first one without a preference too!

For your platonic match up, I'm pairing you with. . .

Gyomei Himejima »

There's nothing wrong you can say to him, and its fine if you're bad at communication or talking. He's fine with silence while you hang out, and he always seems to know what you mean anyway

not an ounce of judgement in his body

like if you don't want to, he'll just talk about anything until you're comfortable, or do the opposite and listen to you if you needed to vent to him

for someone who's 7'2 and intimidating to look at, he's the complete opposite and so understanding

he's always genuine, honest and kind

he doesn't compliment much, so when he does you can be sure he means it, especially your taste and talent in music

he loves listening to you're interests and day by the way. hearing you speak so passionately about the things you love makes him smile

And for your romantic match up, I'm pairing you with. . .

Mitsuri Kanroji »

would also be a great friend first, and she's friendly to everyone

she's honest and very open about how she feels, so there's literally nothing she can hide from you

(if you wanted or worried about what she thought of you she'd tell you, regardless)

she loves everyone. and your preference not to talk is nothing short of p e r f e c t i o n to her. she thinks its adorable beyond belief.

honestly, in a relationship with you she's always giddy and smiling about everything

mitsuri and sexual jokes would have her crying with laughter + red with embarrassment

she compliments everyone in her head, and being her partner isn't an exception

she can't lie either, so every single compliment she gives you she means with her whole heart

adores your art and goth music

gushes at you when you're drawing or playing your electric guitar (she loves western things, and it would be so new and exciting!)

borrowing her romance books

and seeing a musical with her would be such a lovely date idea

she'd ask you out to dinner, either afterwards or for a first date

and she's a great cook! would probably sneak in snacks to you while you were busy or playing games

its never boring with her around either, with her bubbly personality and clumsiness, i'm sure you'd always have something to do

she loves planting little butterfly kisses to the tip of your nose + especially your lips

hugs and hand holding too ♡ (will squish you pretty hard so be warned)

you'll probably hear 'i love you' from her everyday

imagining the two of you dancing together is ♡

there you go! thank you again and i hope you liked your match up! + i think mitsuri would hate spiders too (same), so i'm pretty sure between you and mitsuri, a spider would win

#kny #demon slayer #kimetsu no yaiba #imagines #kny headcanons #demon slayer headcanons #kny x reader #kny x y/n #kny gyomei #kny mitsuri #demon slayer x you #gyomei himejima #mitsuri kanroji #mitsuri x reader #match up event #match up game #asheiscupid🖤

[dream-critical]

After recent events, I am starting to see very strong parallels between Quackity and 2021 Dream:

History of racist videos with unsatisfactory apologies: Quackity's was insufficient because the videos remained up, so he continued to financially benefit from them. Dream's apology being un-genuine is self-explanatory.

Intentional creation of a parasocial fanbase: Both Quackity and Dream continuously tweet out to their stans things like "I love you" and reinforce it with some of their comments on stream. Perhaps Quackity has not yet reached the level of Dream, but he is certainly headed there.

Toxic (and dangerous) fanbase: A consequence of the previous point, but it is definitely true now that Quackity's is become scarily similar to 2021 Dream fanbase. Even if Dream was misleading about the motivation of his stalkers, there has been one example of a USMP admin being doxxed and put in irl danger over the SMP drama (I recommend you read the thread about it, it goes into enough detail that I am inclined to believe it is true). Both Dream (in the past) and Quackity refuse to condemn this behaviour.

Platforming abusers on their SMP: Cellbit and Manatreed. The situations are slightly different because Cellbit is already a big cc, but it is unacceptable nonetheless. I wonder if Quackity will allow Cellbit to remain on the server.

General inability to apologise: Quackity and Dream have different approaches to apologies with Quackity always choosing silence and Dream deflecting and being un-genuine. Both are not acceptable ways to deal with issues that arise.

I am sure there are more things that I have missed. However, after witnessing the shitshow that was Dream and his fandom over the last few years, I would hope that people are aware of these huge red flags. I'm not saying they are the exact same, or that "Quackity is just as bad as Dream was"; I am saying that there this is a clear pattern of behaviour.

Do you agree? Do you think, perhaps in a year from now, Quackity has the potential to Dream 2.0?

The short answer from me, would be no. I don't think quackity will become dream 2.0 anytime soon or ever actually.

History of racist videos with unsatisfactory apologies

While I do agree that quackity should take down the videos, I do not think that the racist actions in his past are comparable to dreams both current and past actions. And unlike Dream Quackity has changed and also I think there's a difference between a person of colour who was in a racist friendgroup and a white republican kid making racist jokes. Though again, I do agree that quackity should delete those videos.

Intentional creation of a parasocial fanbase

I don't think it's fair to compare a man that has engineered a way to make sure his fanbase stays loyal and attacks anyone that doesn't to someone who started a passion project, got copied and spent weeks having to see former "friends" look down on his achievements telling his fanbase that he appreciates and loves them. I'm sure it's annoying as fuck to have to see dream run his mouth all day everyday and Q tweeting "thanks for the support. I love y'all ♥️" isn't to manipulate his fandom, it's just him pointedly ignoring dream and focusing on positive things imo.

Toxic (and dangerous) fanbase

I'm sorry if this makes me look like a dick but I did read the thread and idk if I believe someone claiming to have been doxxed six seperate times in the same day and then still came back to twitter like nothing happened. If it is real then sure, I hope that person is safe and doing well. But dream stans have made up serious things just to get the heat off of dreams back so I'm skeptical.

Platforming abusers on their SMP

I'm not sure Q was aware of what cellbit had done. And while I'm very very uncomfortable with cellbit, if everyone involved with the situation has said they don't want to talk about it, he has gone through therapy and claim he has changed. Then idk man. As outsiders we don't get to decide shit. Idk this one is complicated and I don't know what to tell you.

Also I think the difference between manatreed and cellbit would be that manatreed was a childhood friend of dream and cellbit and Q haven't met before. Like there is different level of involvement here I think.

General inability to apologise

Quackity generally does apologize, the only things he hasn't spoken up about is the dream situation and the racist mod. While I do wholeheartedly agree that he should talk about and apologize for the mod itself, I'd say it's different than dream just straight up not giving a shit.

TLDR; I think it is unfair to compare quackity to dream so no.

#mercury.txt #asks #anonymous #idk how to tag this one? #dream critical

[rustyreveries]

.

turns out that forcing yourself to draw everyday and post it all online leads to burnout. just like everything else does. mostly my fault, teehee.

not really sure what i was thinking. maybe if i consistently produced enough shitty art about my interests maybe people would find me in the midst of the chaos that is tumblr and reach out or something. say hi. i genuinely do not know how to talk to people and i believed that i could communicate to everyone through my “art.”

but… it turns out that’s not the case. tumblr is much more complex than that, and this isn’t exactly a friend-making website (though i wish it was).

i wish i had the confidence to just straight up message people or ask them something because there are so many cool people here that i admire (perhaps a little too much). when you’ve been isolated from the world and constantly excluded for so long you kind of lose that courage, and it sucks. humans are social creatures and unfortunately i am apart of that species. i’m an introvert; i enjoy being alone, but jesus christ i didn’t mean ALL the time.

the two “friends” i do have are busy with other things and never reach out unless i do first. plus they have other friends that they prefer over me. i’m always the last option. i miss having real people to talk to instead of pacing around my house, daydreaming about talking to fictional characters or people that don’t know that i exist.

i fucking hate being mentally ill because of how much it holds me back. i can’t even reblog a post on here (which i do a lot) without feeling extreme anxiety. irl, i can’t go out in public without having a meltdown. i do school online now because leaving my house gives me a migraine. i tell my family about this and that i need help. they’re like, “oh you’re fine!!” i’m so tired.

i wish i could figure out why people avoid me, because i would fix any problem that others have with me. i try not to be negative or interrupt others when they’re talking, and i always do my best to be polite. perhaps it’s just because i’m not all there mentally. i understand that, but unfortunately it’s not something i can fix. i was just. born like that + severely traumatized in my early childhood, which made my problems worse. my family keeps telling me that they’ll help me find a therapist but then they forget about it and then never bring it up again until i mention it later on. then the cycle continues. makes me feel like they don’t care.

if you have a group of people (family, friends, etc.) that love and support you, please don’t take them for granted.

sorry for how unorganized this is. i just wrote stuff as it popped into my head.

it felt nice to write actually. it was like i was talking to someone.

#vent #which is very whiny btw #you know how i am #unless you don’t. then now you do

[lcandothisallday]

hey guys. coming on quickly to rant and let my frustrations out because i genuinely don’t know who to talk to rn but you can ofc ignore lol.

but yeah. my roommates are pissing me tf off😭 usually im fine with one of them but lately they both have been so unnecessarily rude. their responses whenever i talk to them are so dismissive and just blatantly rude. and it’s like im not like that AT ALL with them and it’s starting to really take a toll on my mental health i swear. the one that was rude to me before (iykyk) ive just started ignoring because after that one instance ive just been weary but the other one is starting to get like too comfortable with me yk and it’s starting to make me uncomfortable because she’s just fucking rude😭 they’re both so pretentious too and i ALWAYS make the effort to active listen to what they’re saying to me but they NEVER and I swear to you im not exaggerating when I say they never reciprocate.

for example, this one time i saw a fine ass photo of harry styles and i got all excited and the kpop obsessed roommate was like “oh is that jack?” cos she knows I like him and I JOKINGLY said “nah it’s harry. if it was jack I would’ve have mentioned it to you,” because she just never listens whenever I wanna tell her anything about him and she got SO OFFENDED and started trash talking me to our other flatmate being like “see what she just did there? She never tells me anything about Jack because she thinks I don’t care” and she made me out to be some villain for not including her the same way she includes me into kpop and BELIEVE ME ITS AGAINST MY FUCKING WILL AND SHE KNOWS I DONT LIKE KPOP LIKE THAT BUT SHE FORCES ME TO WATCH THEIR SHIT and yet I engage because im a polite person and because she made me feel so shit because of that, when the snl promo came out, i was like super excited and wanted to show someone so i showed her and this girl a) wasn’t paying attention at all and b) barely said or commented anything about it. not that I care about them liking jack the way I do but it’s like after what she said, i made the effort to actually include her in my interest because she seemed upset at me never telling her but the time i do, it’s like she didn’t validate my excitement yk? idk.

but yeah I hate it because it’s such a fucking double standard and I put in so much effort to NOT seem like a bitch with others and they don’t ever do the same with me. And I’m just tried of them. and with their rudeness in their reply, i can’t even say shit back because I know they’re gonna talk shit or be even more rude and one thing about me is that I’m a sensitive pussy😭

thanks for listening to me rant if you’ve read this far. and im sorry for being inactive and the rare occasion that I am, I’m spending my time ranting rather than writing for y’all😔 but I genuinely love you guys and I wish everyday that it was you guys that were my irl friends because I know we’d get along so well😩 thanks again🫶🏼

#very long rant😅 #i apologize #ignore if you want

[shitsngiggles666]

Hi @eileen-crys I know you blocked me. But it came to my attention you’ve been talking shit (get it?) about me. I seen a screenshot from your blog that I feel is a bit unfair and almost resentful towards me. Listen, I think you have every right to say what you want about me. Call me names, talk behind my back, hate me all you want. But I want to respond. I think even someone widely considered “a bad person” should at least try to defend themselves.

I don’t want to share a sob story, but I am more used to people being mean then kind to me. I don’t think anything you can say to me or call me would be new. I have been called stupid, ugly, annoying for pretty much my whole life. This includes everyone from school mates to members of my own family. Did this cause me pain? Yes, and it’s taken me time but I am used to it. I really don’t want to let people on the internet hurt my feelings. Here’s the thing tho, I genuinely considered you my friend and really enjoyed talking to you. I think your art is adorable. I think that’s why I feel so hurt tbh. We have drifted away, and that’s fine. If a friendship, even an online one ends over diffidence of opinion over the nature over the marriage of some old rich white dude then so be it. But I will not let you mock me on your blog without at responding. Keep that post up, I don’t care if you remove it or not but I think I can at least respond to it. This is my one request so I can get this off my chest

I never said that anecdote is false. I just think like so many online anecdotes it needs scrutiny, a source and cannot be taken as fact. I don’t just do this for Veronica, I do this for everything. The reason I was skeptical was I was always led to believe Veronica was still in school but working as a nanny and never got to teach. My religion is agnosticism and my overall philosophy is “question everything, don’t be afraid to say ‘I don’t know’ what we want to be true isn’t always the truth, complete honesty and an avoidance of bias. I have, and probably always will ask questions. Not just about John Deacon, but anything I am curious about. It’s simply my nature, and the more unsure I am about something the more I question it. Yes, it’s annoying but also understand that I annoyed my parents, my teachers, my professors and even people at work.

I got hooked on Queen some years ago after watching a BBC documentary on Queen and becoming enamored. The movie greatly disappointed me and even some what angered me (honestly I think it’s one of the more homophobic films I’ve seen). So I turned to the internet to feed my hunger. John particularly fascinated me as I thought he was dead originally but wondered “where was he”? I even related to him a lot as I am quite shy and quiet irl. John also frustrated me as there was so much not known about him. Back in the day, I was a HUGE johnica stan. Surely if John and Veronica had so many kids they were very much in love, and the narrative of John living happily ever after was appealing to me. Plus his son seemed nice enough. Cameron was who lead me to tumblr, and who led me from my Johnnica fantasies. Cameron made me view John Deacon as not just a person, but also a flawed person. I learned more and more about him and I started to think maybe John and his family are different than how I imagined. I was really forced to start being honest about what I really knew about John. I wish I can elaborate more as I can’t describe it but something about the whole Cameron and the Camily incident made me see John more human? Like more complex, and more like an everyday person and less of this caricature obsessed with cheese and impregnating his wife? I don’t have anything against John. I don’t have anything against Veronica. I am not some villain from a Carebears cartoon who hates love. I just feel so much about John is from fan assumptions and imagination. Hear me out:

Something I want to make clear is I have nothing against writing fan fic or fan art or what ever about real life people. I believe strongly in freedom of expression and no one should dictate what art is acceptable and what isn’t. You got mad at me when I opposed you encouraging your followers to report a “fan fic” casting Veronica in a bad light. Is it because I have a personal vendetta against her? Or maybe I strongly believe that if one is allowed to fantasize about the marriage of two British boomers writing countless fics about them conceiving their real life children, then you have to tolerate (not accept, but tolerate) different views. I am sorry, but fair is fair. Is it because I hate Veronica? Or is it maybe because I don’t think she would like art depicting her sexuality but accept that authors have every right to express themselves, but can’t dictate what others create. I don’t like double standards. Not to mention, not one of us can say what she would think or feel about it all. Remember, she’s not some fictional character! This pisses you off but I still think my statement is true, but we don’t know her as a person. So much we “know” about her is fan speculation and projection. Am I saying she’s a bad person? No. Am I saying she’s mean? No. What I am saying is we have to be honest about what is fan creation. Just because you’re popular doesn’t mean your opinion is true and anyone who even expressed skepticism is both a bad person and hates Veronica or even thinks she’s a bad person.

I just think she’s an individual whom has had only a few paragraphs written about her. If she wants to keep her life private, that’s her right. Same for John. He famously hasn’t spoken to the public for decades and that’s fine! Maybe he and Veronica are the couple from “When I’m 64”. I love to think that! But maybe it’s different. And it’s not my business and there’s alone. So, that’s all I have for now. Since I have been interested in Queen my life has changed. New responsibilities, work changes, life changes the whole lot. I have less time to spend online and even less time to bother with silly internet drama. Am I hurt? Yes, I felt like someone punched me in the gut, and is never easy to see someone you once really liked and considered you a friend insult you. I’m upset. But I feel 1) This won’t matter ten years from now and 2) if someone who has always been sweet and kind suddenly turns nasty over a ship isn’t really your friend. I have seen people with opposing ships still me friends. I have some really wholesome memories from lurking on X-men forums involving fans being friends despite arguing over who should be smashing who. I never took shipping seriously and probably never will. John Deacon and his marriage is not very important to my day to day life. I remember feeling sick and distressed for days when I learned of his affair with Pushbar the lap dancer. But you know what? The sun still rose that morning, the birds still sang and I ice cream still tasted good. And I am sure you will continue to hate me and talk about me to other Queen fans but I will never leave the Queen fandom. I won’t let some middle school drama ruin something I really enjoy.

Accuse me of causing drama or being a bully or whatever but I tried to explain myself. I am willing to talk in private with anyone with questions, comments and concerns but understand I have a very busy work week with limited internet access and other stuff offline.

PS I am glad you correctly identified my avatar as an ocelot! Most people mistake ocelots for cheetahs or leopards.

#I want my side to be seen

[mmmaruda]

I need to get this of my chest. My parents have had enough of listening to me saying the same shit over and over again.

I feel like nobody talks about this enough. I'm almost an adult yet I haven't experienced being desired by someone romantically. I naver hold hands kissed, texted with someone or even had a crush. I kinda accepted that theres a big chance of me being aromamtic but just because i am aro doesnt mean i want to be. Theres nothing wrong with being aro but I want to know how it feels. How its possible that one person makes someone so happy, I want to feel that. I want to be desired, to have someone that appriciates me and maybe an ego bust. Idk about being in a relationship but someone having a crush on me or smh. To confirm that Im lovable. Of course I'm still young and have plenty time to experience it but I feel like it will never happen. I want to feel wanted, to have someone that cherished me. To have a deeper connection. Maybe the issue lies in me being unlikeable? The last time I had someone I could call my best friend I was in primary school. I have friends, I'm just never their first option. We mostly see each other at school, but when we do go out I just know we don't click. I sit there all day waiting to go home. I feel very often sad and frustrated because of this. I'm not seeking a romantic relationship but a platonic one. Yet I'm still unsuccessful in finding both. People say that you find love when you dont try, it comes naturally. That I need to focus on myself but when I do this I only see my classmates and family so where would it even come from. I have a big problem with meeting new people. I don't know how to do it. For the past 3 years I have been working on myself. Since then I can actually talk to someone without stressing out and crying. I signed up for multiple events in my school just to meet new people and it never happens. I'm so lost, i dont know what to do. In primary school I felt fulfilled because I was around people I genuinely liked. They made me happy, my life didnt revolve around them but they were making my everyday life nicer. Still we werent that close and we lost contact. We dont call, meet, or even write to each other. Some of them met their current partners and just gave up on friends. People prioritising romantic relationships over platonic are shallow and fell victim of patriarchy. It seems like by society our only goal in life is to find a romantic partner, get married and have kids. Even if it's someone lgbt who cant have bio children, people still expect them to find their "other half", because it's "how life works". I feel like I'm never going to love anyone and nobody is going to love me. I have this one closer friend that always has my back just like I have theirs but they're always so busy with other people. It hurts honestly so much. Like half a year ago we went to see spiderverse since and I decided to be bold. I asked them If I could videocall them that night because I had so many thoughts after the movie. But they said that tonight they had already made plans with someone else. There's nothing wrong with it but at that moment it hit me. They're always doing something and I can never make plans with them because of it. I value them more then they value me. I'm not their first choice person. I was also restraining myself from becoming to close/depended on them because in the past being too clingy made me lose friends. So why everyone has someone close and I don't. Why I don't have someone I could do matching bracelets with or pfp. I'm a filler person. I here just because not bc anyone wants me. I want to make more irl friends but I don't know how. I know it's not my personality or looks but something is wrong with me. I think it's because I miss a lot of social clues but idk. I just want friends.

#relationship #frienship #lonliness #mental health #what do i do #im a loser fr

[fireplceashes]

11, 16, 19 <3

11. tell me about your last failed friendship.

this was a couple years ago. i started talking to someone after i played animal crossing with them. (i kinda had a crush on her but that's beside the point). i don't even think they thought of me as a friend but i definitely considered her a friend. we talked for a while but one day i asked if they were okay after they took a long time to answer me - like weeks (the last time that had happened something had happen and they were upset), well they got mad at me saying that friends don't need to talk everyday - which is 100% true. they were always kinda condescending with me just cause she was a year older than me??? anyway long story short we never talked after that and i'm always scared of talking to someone too much cause she didn't really appear to like talking with me :)

16. what is a skill or talent you’ve completely lost or overlooked? why did that happen?

basically anything i ever learned in school tbh. i went to a special class cause of my extreme social anxiety and depression. they weren't demanding in any way and i don't think i learned much (my swedish is absolutely horrible, which sucks cause finland is a double language country). after that i never went to high school or any kind of place where i learned basic things. i also used to be good at math but now i really suck :(. my sister is in our countries version of high school and she knows about everything so much more than me which is great, but still makes me a bit upset.

19. tell me something you don’t like telling the people you are close to.

talking about my sexuality makes me extremely uncomfortable. i wished i could talk to someone about it but it's whatever i couldn't talked to someone i know irl really well anyways, it makes me feel so physically bad. i can't really tell you what my sexuality is though cause i genuinely don't know.

uncomfortably personal asks

#ask game #sorry i suck at explaining stuff #rae ♡

[lucy-fake]

im feeling optimistic about the future of trans acceptance. i know that's weird to say when so much terrible shit is going on in the political world with anti-trans laws being introduced almost everyday but i don't think that movement of hate can sustain itself forever. the politicians and grifters are trying to rile the people up in order to gain power and money but that's reliant on common people continuing to fall for it. anyone who's ever met a trans person, like genuinely sat down and talked with one, knows that the lies being spread about us aren't true. the thing is that most cis people just don't know any trans people. haven't met any irl and aren't online enough to have "internet friends". most just genuinely don't know anything about us, and their opinion of trans people, if they have one at all, is informed by whatever they've seen in the media or heard from an equally ill-informed cis person. i think most regular people aren't evil, just clueless. and the more trans people who come out, the less cis people there will be who haven't met one of us yet.

when cis people arent caught up in the wave of hate i think a bunch of them genuinely are curious to understand us!! it's tempting to dismiss all cis people asking questions because of the ones who are """just asking questions""" in bad faith. but others really are just asking good faith questions and answering them would help us be understood. i roll my eyes when i look on r/nostupidquestions and see something like "if a trans woman is attracted to women are they straight or gay" for the hundredth time but if that person genuinely wanted to know then it's better to just answer than lash out at them for not knowing! because otherwise they'll take it as a sign that they shouldn't ask any questions, and they'll continue on knowing nothing about trans people and then no progress can be made. like to be clear nobody is obligated to answer every naive question from cis ppl because it does get very tiring but if someone comes to u with a question and you're not in the mood then just say so and maybe link them to a thread where it's been asked before so they can see it explained by someone else.. anyways!!,

the internet can make the real world seem scarier than it is. not to say the world isn't scary but online spaces can bring out the worst of people and make all the negativity rise to the top. like if i was going only from what i've seen online, i would have believed that the UK is filled with nothing but terfs, that if i went there i'd be glared at everywhere i go and hatecrimed if i tried to use the women's bathroom. having spent more than 2 months there, i can say that's not true at all. while i was there i had literally zero bad encounters with strangers. the average person just doesn't care at all - and my gf actually lives there and she agrees on that. the transphobes are just the ones who scream the loudest right now, and they’d love nothing more than for you to believe there are more of them than there actually are. so when you see all the anti-trans stuff in the news, the grifters generating outrage at every bit of progress and the politicians pulling your rights away - when that makes you feel hopeless, makes you feel like the world has no good in it, makes you believe that the future will only get worse for trans people, remember that's what they want you to feel. they want you to believe it's a better option to give up and stay in the closet forever, or even that it's better to die. it isn't and it never will be.

i used to try to mostly avoid talking about being trans online except in private discord servers with other trans people. this was born out of a sort of shame over being trans, a subconscious feeling that by bringing it up too often i would annoy people, i’d be seen as one of “those” trans people who “makes being trans their whole identity”. my tune on that changed as soon as i started making trans friends in real life. having community with people who understand what you’re going through is one of the most important things, especially for anyone who’s questioning, pre-transition, or otherwise early on in figuring this stuff out. every trans person who lives openly and unashamedly is setting an example for those early-on trans people who feel scared and hopeless because they feel like there’s nobody that can help them. it’s showing them that they won’t be throwing their life and happiness away by transitioning. it’s showing them there are people who will be there to support them. to turn to someone who stands where you once stood and say “you’re not alone, i’m the same as you. i’ve been through what you’re going through and I’m happier now because of it - and you can do it too”, that’s one of the most powerful things you can do to make the world a better place for people like us.

peace and love,

lucy

#ramble

[dolciume]

this is a huge diary post that i will put under a read more, part 1 is venting bs i have written a thousand times and part 2 is my ocs talk

i don’t mean to be like this but i hate my ex best friend today. i mean i hate her everyday and like i don’t want anything bad to happen to her but i also hope she never has friends ever again lol. like realistically that’s not possible bc i’m sure she’s manipulating and creating another cheating relationship as we speak lol. i still think of her as slimy, disgusting, and vile. it rly tears me up to think of someone this way but i genuinely don’t think she really deserves any relief happiness or comfort until she actually sees how horrible she is. which will never happen. is it okay to say hope she rots? because i do and i don’t. i think if she left her abusive husband she’d be free but since she’ll just force herself to stay and cheat on him until the end of time like. may they both suffer lol

an irl friend pointed out that she was manipulating me the second time we tried to be friends when she randomly started saying she missed me/missed our connection/basically saying she missed what we had. i opened it, left on read, and didn’t reply for two days to say i don’t feel the same way. and she coped and suddenly said “i was just feeling sad and lonely” 💀 what? then added “i just really missed our connection” omg… bc she saw the real me who was soft forgiving and gentle and she called me dangerous when i started having a backbone. like when i established boundaries and said i wanted to break up she was so mad at me for having boundaries. she wrote me 16 pages in a google doc on how it’s all my fault and literally wrote 16 pages abt how her using me is my fault. lol

she literally said “i used you”. like i’m not over this idc if this was like a year ago jow this is so fucked is extra bc she inserted herself into my father’s funeral and then coped and basically said she still liked me “but just psychologically i’m actually over you” basically LOL… she’s not over me. she inserted me into her marriage. she misses my attention, not me.

when i broke up for the final time i literally said we were never best friends. a best friend doesn’t use you like that. she lost all her friends bc of this but it’s also her fault for not keeping up with everyone and trying to tell her side. what kind of side could she tell? lol? “yeah i used (whatever name i used at the time) because they gave me attention and made me feel special but when (name) didn’t want to be my side piece and started to have boundaries i started to maliciously say cruel things to hurt (name) as well as allowed my husband to make (name) continuously uncomfortable and told (name) it was his problem and that i liked conflict and when (name)‘s father died i inserted myself there because it made ME feel better” like. how would she justify what she did to me. fr.

it’s like i know one day i’ll feel better about it but i’m not even victimizing myself. i know i said a lot of rworded shit and that i was flip flopping with my emotions but she continued to being deliberately cruel and deliberately pushing my boundaries because it wasn’t the same as before and i wasn’t going to be her dog anymore

the next thing on my mind is the dream i had. i have 3 ocs who are young trans boys, for whatever reason, i am always seeing through their eyes and also i get to basically “be them”. last night the boy i got to be was a trans non-binary boy named arthur, i think that name was 100% from my subconscious bc i’m using it lately.

i wanna mention my two other child ocs, artur who is a 14 year old cis french boy who has middle child syndrome and keita, a 15 year old japanese american transboy in foster care. they both came from dreams and both have different stories

so although this oc’s name was arthur in the dream i actually wanted to call him ilya. some of his story was taken from the dream about artur— has the same type number of siblings

in ilya’s family there is mom, step dad, older brother with different father, older sister with another different father, ilya’s father lives somewhere in europe. in dream was france but i think the story may be more interesting to have his father be german. he has two younger siblings from his step father who he calls by first name.

he has a complicated relationship with his family, and he has a complicated identity. every summer since he was born, his parents would trade him off (no matter the difficulty) so he could be with his father. his mother and father had a one night stand 14-17 years ago (not sure of ilya’s age yet) and this coming summer, is the second year in a row his father has had work in belgium during june and july. i think ilya is american but speaks fluent german as well as taught by vatti. he probably just calls him dad lol.

i think ilya by exact definition would be a demiboy. he doesn’t necessarily know all those terms but he is rollin w da lgbt. lol

his family does call him by his name and pronouns. and the reason his father is dodging him is literally because of work. he’s always gotten to have a mostly good relationship with ilya— and he is proud of him for coming out. but, he’s a bit of an absent father, always more concerned with his own life. he was 27 when ilya was born, and has always adored him. due to his own upbringing, he’s never been that expressive. but he’s nothing like his own father, or even his brother (i think the cousins from his father’s brother would be in contact with ilya online and whenever he comes to visit. they love him because ilya naturally has an easy going and artistic nature.)

while keita’s rising sign personality is “cool charmer”, i think artur’s is “funny sweetheart” and ilya’s would be “easy going artsy type”. in the dream ilya was doing the art for some kind of project in school. i remember looking at lockers in a school highway through his eyes

i remember ilya having a cis male best friend, they were touchy and it was normal. but i felt that ilya had a crush on this boy, who was oblivious and also still called ilya as a girl but ilya didn’t mind. i think ilya would say “i don’t care but you have to call me ilya”. and his friend would be like, oh cool okay. his friend is a bit of sunny jock who had a gf. i remember ilya wasn’t rly jealous of the gf though, the feelings for the best friend felt sincere in the way he’d rather his friend be with someone he actually has romantic feelings for. i think there would maybe be some drama where the kids are getting drunk at some stupid high school house party lol and ilya admits it on his friend’s lap. his friend feels shocked and pretty bad :( idk what to name the friend maybe ummm… dylan! that’s good! 

okay, i think i’ll stop here for now, i have written a lot and it feels better to write my feelings and oc ideas out

#diary #oc tag

[butmakeitgayblog]

This may be a pretty sad question but I’ve seen how kindly you answer others:

How do you make friends? Whether irl or online?

That's not a sad question hun, making friends is not easy for a lot of people. It can be difficult for me too at times when I feel out of place in a setting.

Truth is, I'm not too sure what advice to give that you probably haven't heard before so I'll just try and be as honest possible about what I find works.

1. Ya gotta talk to people. It can feel intimidating sometimes but I promise, they're bumbling through this shit just like everyone else. They're a person just like you who doesn't know what's going on and 9/10 no matter how badass they think themselves to be, everyone likes having friends. If they act like ass, drop em and move on to someone else because wasting your energy on that nonsense ain't worth it.

2. Don't worry if you don't click with someone. It happens, not everyone's gonna get along or vibe. It doesn't mean you suck or you're this or that, it doesn't mean they're better than you or don't like you or are judging you. Maybe they're busy, maybe they are awkward and don't know what to say. Maybe ya just plain didn't click. Again, try someone else.

3. Friendship usually forms just from being around or in contact with people. Think about school or work friends. The common denominator? Ya see them mfs everyday 🥴 if you talk to someone regularly, even maybe just a couple times a month/week, the likelihood you'll form a friendship increases

4. Bluntly, people like talking about themselves, their interests, and their opinions on things. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just true. The easiest way to start a dialogue is asking people about themselves. Ask their interests, see if you have shit in common, get a sense of their sense of humor, ask their opinion on and see if y'all have the same hobbies. Compliment stuff you think is cool or good ideas. I hate the new cultural trend that compliments are weird or cringe. Nah, compliments actually fuck when they're genuine. And hell, you could think someone is cool but then talk to them personally only to find out actually you don't even like that person... but you won't know till you try 🤷‍♀️

5. Reciprocate! Talk back. If you find you do have stuff in common, talk about it! Don't monopolize the convo obviously, but give them opportunities and nudges to continue putting their own thoughts out into the convo to keep it going. Don't make them be the only one talking because that gets tiring quick, and it's not fair. If you want someone to like you, they gotta get to know you too.

Really these are just things I find myself doing when I wanna get to know someone, and it sounds easy but can be a little intimidating when you're not used to it. But all you can do is try. And I promise, if you're a genuinely nice person, not rude or overbearing, there will be people out there who will see it and connect with it. Just keep your head up. Be kind to yourself 💕

#anon