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moonjxsung · 2 months

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STAR IM DEVASTATED so i have a priv twt acc right w some irls and this stay from stayville req-ed me a long time ago and i was soooo happy that i was mutuals w someone from stayville and i THOUGHT everything between us was cool? but today they unfollowed me and removed me as a follower and im devastated i dunno why they did that :((( i don't think they had a problem w me saying nsfw stuff cuz they previously tweeted things like "cancelling someone over saying smth nsfw abt an adult is stupid" and also ive seen them interact w nsfw minsung posts so i dunno if me tweeting smth like "i wanna suck flxs cock sooooo bad" couldve made them wanna break the mutual??? i dmed them too and i was like "heyy is there a reason you don't wanna be moots w me anymore </3" and not even minutes later they turned off their message perms and im devastated. its STUPID bcs they'd barely interact w me Sure but it felt nice to have a stay be my friend on my priv twt that's usually just for my irls and i </3 it's ironic that they did that too bcs just earlier today (before they broke the mutual) i noticed that my followers went down (i have a very low amt already. like. 25. not even joking) and i tweeted "yall dont wanan be friends w me anymore </3" bcs like. my followers are QUITE LITERALLY only my irls + a skz writer so i was (i think rightfully??) alarmed that the number went down!!!! man im just Sad about it and SIIIGH i know i shouldnt care so much bcs at the end of the day they're just a person online but the least they could've done was dm me back and explain why and GHFSDDSJHFKJADDSDSAAAAA you get me!?!! also im sorry i dropped this on you randomly feel free to ignore LMAAOOAOAO can i be 💫 anon? thank yew <3

(Adding 💫 to the anon list!!! Also fun fact that’s my favorite emoji of all time. Slay)

I feel like I’m the LAST person who should be giving advice abt this bc one of my mutuals and a very good friend of mine who I’d been talking to every day randomly blocked me on everything this week after me literally being there to console this person for every little thing and playing into this pretend homoerotic friendship we had even though she was clearly looking for another boyfriend and would get mad if I even called another girl pretty (???) I wish nothing but the absolute best for her but like…. The double standard is WILD. to not provide closure to a months-long friendship is just genuinely a very mean spirited thing to do imo.

(If she’s reading this, best of luck with everything and I hope you know I cared for you a lot more than you think I did. I distanced myself because you were clearly looking for someone to fill a void in your life that I could simply not fulfill, and I didn’t want to lead you on, nor be kept around like I wasn’t allowed to talk to other girls either. Regardless, I hope you know I used to sleep with my phone on full volume in case you called, and I deleted a page worth of poetry in my notes app for you I meant to deliver on your birthday. I also deleted your number so I have zero way of contacting you, but I will always be here if you need me. Take care and I love you always, I hope you still see me when you look up at the moon)

It’s not the first time I’ve lost an internet friend to the magical world of blocking, but fortunately the attitude I’ve developed towards it is that none of this is real!!! These are people on the internet miles away you’ve never met irl and they have no real impact in your life whether they remain following you or not. I’ve lost internet friends nearly a decade ago that I don’t even remember anymore. Better ones will come along!!! Especially stays! This fandom has so many beautiful remarkable people who are actually worth following and they wouldn’t cut you off like that. Sending so many positive vibes your way and I KNOW that the universe will send you some better mutuals. In the meanwhile I will be your internet bestie and I would never unfollow you for nsfw content or without some form of an explanation. And I also want to suck Felix’s dick. 🩷🫶

(I love you, don’t be so hard on yourself!!!! You’re wonderful, angel 🩷 anyone would be lucky to be moots with you)

#💫 anon #ask

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missaudreyhorney · 4 years

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Imagine seeing David Harbour at a frozen yogurt shop

I was scrolling through Instagram this morning and saw this picture. The thing that struck me most about it was this quality of him looking like a regular handsome guy that you could ostensibly run into anywhere. That quality of his is a lot of what appeals to me about him, the idea that he’s just a “sexy normal dude” as Milla Jovovich put it.

Quickly I started to imagine a scenario in which shy!Reader happens to run into him and how I think that would play out. It was really helpful to use this picture as a prompt for my writing since Ive been feeling stuck with my other projects over the past couple of days. I know real person fiction is often frowned upon but this is more of a silly writing exercise than anything else. Please enjoy! (T for language, multiple uses of “Daddy”, 1.6k words)

It has been a long, stressful week for you and it’s looking like next week won’t be any different. All you want on this Sunday afternoon is some frozen yogurt. Nothing else. You don’t even ask any of your friends to go with you, you just get in your car and drive to the nearest place that comes up on GPS.

The first thing you see upon walking into the place is a cute dad standing at the counter, paying for his order. He’s wearing a dark purple t-shirt, black jeans, and a pair of sunglasses on top of his head. He’s actually more than cute, he’s really hot. You can’t help but stare at his muscular forearms and huge hands as you get in line. The top of his yogurt cup is covered in whipped cream and he has a tiny dollop of it on his left hand. Your mind goes straight into the gutter at the sight of it.

When he moves to sit down at one of the tables, you realize that there are no kids with him, just two other adults. He’s not actually a dad, at least not from what you can tell. He just looks like a dad and gives off that authoritative energy that only sexy older men possess. You didn’t see a wedding ring when you were staring at his hands so hopefully he’s single. Hopefully, as if you’d ever have the nerve to approach this man and ask him out on a date.

When it’s your turn to order, you get strawberry shortcake, a safe choice since you’ve never been here before. As the cashier tells you your total, you hear the man’s booming voice behind you. He’s not trying to be loud, he’s just a big guy who speaks with a lot of passion and enthusiasm. The voice almost sounds familiar to you. Almost like someone you know but you don’t know anyone this handsome in real life. Digging out a couple of coins from your wallet, it dawns on you where you’ve heard his voice before.

Stranger Things. On Netflix. That’s not just any random hot guy that you were staring at, that’s David fucking Harbour! Your entire body freezes in place and your mind goes blank. The one solitary thought in your head is the sound of his voice. His deep, sexy voice. One that has the power both to soothe and to provoke. You close your eyes and listen to him, almost getting lost in a trance. The cashier repeats your total back to you and your eyes shoot open again. “Oh, I’m sorry,” you say as you hand them your money then turn around to find somewhere to sit.

Your eyes dart around the room, looking for empty tables. There’s plenty available but only one that’s close enough to him without being too obvious. From this vantage point, you should be able to look at him without him noticing too much that you’re fully staring. Taking a deep breath, you set your cup down on the table, pull the chair out, and sit down. Finally, you look at him again, trying to extinguish that lingering doubt that it’s really him and your thirsty brain isn’t just playing tricks on you. His blue eyes, his beard, his dimples, and the teensy little mole on the back of his right hand all confirm your suspicion. It is him! There’s absolutely no denying it now.

No wonder you felt so short when you walked past him, the man is 6’3” for christsake. You know that from Googling him before, as you’ve done so multiple times. It’s been a while since you’ve watched Strangers Things, but every time you do, you catch yourself having a crush on Chief Jim Hopper. How could you not? He is the epitome of a Hot Dad, a total DILF. You've even fantasized about calling him Daddy before, and here he is, in the flesh, eating frozen yogurt and drinking his coffee just a few feet away from you. The idea of asking him out seems infinitely more impossible now than it did when you thought he was just an average, albeit gorgeous guy.

It isn’t until now that you regret not inviting anyone to come here with you because you already know that none of your friends are going to believe it when you tell them that you saw David Harbour in person. They’re going to say that it was just wishful thinking and probably tease you about liking him so much, about all the Hopper fanfiction you’ve read. Oh gosh, the fanfiction. The thoughts you’ve had about the character that this man plays are absolutely filthy. If you’re being completely honest with yourself, those thoughts were never restricted solely to his character. You’ve had just as many, if not more, wild fantasies about the man himself. You blush at all the times you’ve said that you wouldn’t be able to control yourself if you ever met him.

This isn’t technically meeting him though. This is accidentally running into him somewhere and wrestling with yourself about what to do next. The way he talks and the way he smiles seems so warm and friendly. Surely he wouldn’t mind you coming over to his table for a brief moment just to say hi, maybe get an autograph, maybe a hug if you’re feeling extra bold. He probably wouldn’t mind, you’re not sure if you’d be able to deal with it. What if you go to speak to him and no words come out? What if he does hug you and as you feel his strong arms wrapped around you, you get lost in the moment and accidentally call him Daddy? That would be absolutely humiliating and you'd never be able to forget it.

For now, you just watch him, almost like it’s a scene from the show. Both of you eat your frozen yogurt, but you’re so enraptured by him that you’re not really paying attention to the taste or the temperature. All your attention is on him, the way he opens his mouth slightly, sticking his tongue out a bit to meet the spoon as it touches his lips. Oh, how you wish you were that spoon, that he might touch you with his tongue. After what feels like either a second or an hour, but is probably only ten minutes, he gazes to the side and his eyes meet yours. You let out a soft gasp and immediately look down at your table, the beauty and intensity of his dark blue eyes just too much for you to handle. Your cheeks burn with embarrassment at the prospect of him catching you staring at him. When you look back up, your hands trembling just a little bit, he’s no longer looking at you, but he has the most amazing smile on his face.

Aside from the spoon, you feel an additional inkling of jealousy towards the people he’s with. They all seem to be close friends, based on how they’re interacting with each other. He’s so engaging in the way that he speaks with them, the way that he listens so intently. Multiple times, he has both of them laughing. Sometimes it’s more of an inside joke that you don’t understand, and sometimes it's something that makes you want to laugh as well, although you hold back since you’re not supposed to be eavesdropping. Even if you didn’t want to listen to his conversation, it would be hard not to. He has such a big presence, it practically fills up the entire room. If your eyes were able to unglue from him and look around, you’re certain that you wouldn’t be the only one that’s preoccupied with him.

After glancing down at your cup to check how much frozen yogurt is left, your eyes go back to him and see that he and the people he came with are getting up to leave. There’s a weight in your chest at the thought of him going without you having exchanged a single word. Not only that, but you won’t even be able to look at him anymore. Once they’re all standing, a woman comes up to him and asks for a picture. He could not possibly be any more kind and gracious to her. He gives such a cute little smirk as he poses for the picture and chats with her a bit before she sits back down. It’s one of the most adorable things you’ve ever seen.

Now is your chance! Now you have to say something to him! You already know he’s going to be sweet to you if you approach him but it’s not his reaction that you’re worried about, it’s yours. If you talk to him and accidentally say something stupid, he’s not going to mind at all but you will. You’ll think about it every single day. As he walks from his table to the front door, he profusely thanks the people working behind the counter and you feel like your heart is going to burst because of how nice he is. He nears the exit and it’s literally now or never as you have absolutely no idea when you might ever see him again.

There’s so much you want to say, so much you need to say. All these pining, appreciative thoughts race through your head, wanting to jump out of your mouth. Each of them are quieted when he looks at you. Not in your general vicinity, but directly at you. He gives you another amazing smile that makes you completely melt inside. “Bye,” he says to you casually. “Bye,” you respond wistfully, a swarm of butterflies in your stomach. The smile stays on his face as he leaves and puts his sunglasses back on. Your heart is beating a mile a minute while you watch him walk away. You will think about this every single day, not because you made a fool of yourself but because David Harbour noticed you.

#David Harbour #jim hopper imagine #David Harbour imagine #Hopper x Reader #Hopper x You #gender neutral reader #I did it #I don't care if this is embarrassing #im just practicing

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lemon-writings · 4 years

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Hamish Update: Hamish Pt. II

Genre: Adult literary fiction // Status: Rewriting // Progress: 53,548 words

Pt. I

I’m back with chapters IV-VI! Hoo boy, is it an event.

Chapter IV

Epitaph: “The things that go unsaid are often the things that eat at you--whether because you didn't get to have your say, or because the other person never got to hear you and really wanted to.”-Celeste Ng, Everything I Never Told You

This is the chapter where we meet Ofelia! She is one of my favorite characters to write for. She is beautiful and wonderful and a goddess and I adore her. (I’m reading myself for filth through the character of Ofelia because she is literally both my type and the woman I’ve always wanted to be.) Ofelia is the Queen of Roasts.

There are also some confrontations between Hamish and his mother, which I live for.

Excerpts:

First of all, I love Ofelia. Ofelia Bello, if you are free this Thursday, I’m free to hang out any time. Again, Ofelia Bello, if you are on Thursday, I’m free to hang out. Please.

She’s a goddess. Literal goddess.

She looked at me, eyes large and all-seeing, more like fire opals set into the bronze of her face than eyes. I felt as though she were seeing into the very essence of my being, judging me like a god. Ofelia was one of those people who would never be referred to as mortal. She was Prithvi; she was Freyja; she was Persephone. She was anything but mortal, made of fire, flowers, and knowledge.

And a savage. She’s That Bitch every moment of every day, even when she has her “perfect daughter and sister” persona on. And when she doesn’t? Well...

“You could fight back,” she said. “You could make yourself known, reveal who and what you are. Scream, I’m a person, not a thing.” Ofelia fixes the wisps of hair arranged around her face into a perfect frame.

“I’m not a fighter,” I said.

“No,” Ofelia said, watching me carefully. “You’re a runner.” She uncrossed her legs and stretched them out. “He doesn’t like fighters. That’s me. That’s my brother. He loves runners. If you can confront your issues, you won’t stay for long.”

Hamish confronting his mother when she dismisses his childhood trauma is honestly *chef’s kiss*. Writing my characters being savages is one of my favorite things to do, right after dramatic, floral descriptions of women.

(TW: referenced child abuse!)

“Ungrateful for what? My nightmares? My feelings of abandonment? My hatred of authority? Thank you so much for everything you’ve done for me, mother. Without yours and father’s amazing parenting, I would’ve grown up to be a well-adjusted adult.”

And the trademark Soft Moment of the chapter.

(TW: death mention!)

“Don’t die,” you whispered, hot and damp against my face. “Please don’t die.”

“I won’t,” I promised you, so open and honest it felt like I’d cracked open my ribs to expose my child’s-heart to you like a blossoming flower.

The tension between all the characters has increased so much in this chapter and tbh the anticipation is killing me, and I know what happens in this book.

Chapter V

Epitaph: “At parties I point to my body and say This is where love comes to die. Welcome, come in, make yourself at home. Everyone laughs, they think I’m joking.”--Warsan Shire, “The House”

This chapter begins with Hamish and Horacio in an interview about their “relationship”. There’s something lovely about the way that Horacio and Hamish talk about each other, even if it is built on half-truths. Then we’re introduced to Leon, Ofelia’s brother, and oh boy. Oh boy. Is that a wild ride.

This is also the chapter where Hamish begins planning how he’s going to get Claude to confess to the murder, via a PowerPoint presentation. Yes. Yes, good.

Excerpts:

The first is when Horacio is asked when he knew he was in love with Hamish. It’s just... soft. As a former theatre kid, this really is the dream.

“No,” I said, tearing my eyes from you. “We were in Theatre 101 together, and he was reading Doctor Faustus and playing all the parts. He was jumping around and doing different voices, being really dramatic and having the time of his life. It was the first time I’d seen him act young instead of like a wistful old man.”

I didn’t tell her that you’d been wearing a black hoodie with the moon phases printed on it, the strings following you as you leaped from place to place, sticking your tongue out when you fumbled a line, your tongue stud glittering in the lights. It felt too intimate to share with the world. When I saw you in the lights, being a goofy young man for even just a moment, in your purest state of adorable in your glee, my heart expanded well past the confines of my too-tight ribcage.

Here’s Horacio’s mention of his past ex-boyfriends, because he can hardly believe that he is in a semi-functional relationship with anyone, even if it’s fake.

(TW: sex and abuse!)

It was simple symbiosis: I was a parasite, and they were the hosts, defending themselves against me with violence. I don’t think any of them ever loved me, just loved using me while I would use them, trying to nibble on their scraps of affection between beatings and the rough sex.

Leon is... a lot. He’s sort of obsessed with masculinity, like someone who watched Fight Club without really realizing it’s meant to be satire and wants to punch whoever talks shit about him.

Leon was one of those guys who either believed he was better than you or you weren’t worth his time. Sometimes, in his more complex moments, he would believe both at once; at his most simplistic, he would believe neither.

The further I go in this work, the more difficult it gets to pick excerpts!

Chapter VI

Epitaph: “Even still, we run. We have not reached our average of 57.92 years without knowing that you run through it, and it hurts and you run through it some more, and if it hurts worse, you run through it even more, and when you finish, you will have broken through. In the end, when you are done, and stretching, and your heartbeat slows, and your sweat dries, if you've run through the hard part, you will remember no pain.”--Lauren Groff, The Monsters of Templeton

Hamish gives the presentation. It goes about as well as you can assume. Now that Genoveva and Claude know he’s onto them... it’s game time. There is so much plot that happens in this chapter that I can’t really mention much of it, other than this being the point where the work goes from a slow-building horror to more of a thriller. It’s a major turning point and climax. Whoo!

Also, Ofelia and Horacio bond, which is awesome! I love the dynamic between them. They have the sort of friendship where you can tell that they really enjoy each other and their company.

Excerpts:

Most of these are from the portion where Ofelia and Horacio are talking in the woods because 1.) it’s the least-spoilery part of this chapter and 2.) their friendship is one of the most light-hearted parts of this work. Please, allow me to indulge.

Ofelia isn’t necessarily a “bean”, but she’s still babey. I adore her.

Ofelia gave me a mysterious look, full of night sky and brilliance, then added a crescent of a smile. She began climbing, one foot and then the other, effortlessly lifting herself up the branches as if she was built to do nothing but ascend trees, her tights protecting her modesty from me as I struggled up after her, unused to the climb.

And then Ofelia describes a dream of mine every wlw: going a group of young women and becoming the modern Sappho.

“I think I’ll buy a house somewhere by the ocean. Live with a group of girls who love books and pictures. Become my own Sappho, create my own Lesbos.”

Then there’s this astute observation from Horacio about how Hamish views himself. Hamish doesn’t have a very good self-image. At all. Then again, neither does Horacio.

You’d make yourself into an object sometimes, a cyclone of emotions and pain, held together by frozen flesh and string.

So that just about wraps up these chapters. IV-VI really is the most intense part of this work, and writing it is is just as intense as the chapters themselves.

Songs:

The music is mostly what I’ve been listening to while editing this post, since I already wrote these chapters, but they’re still jams

Your Love (Deja Vu) - Glass Animals

In the Heat of the Moment - Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds

Blood In the Cut - Seattle Sessions - K.Flay

Peach Scone - Hobo Johnson

That’s all for now! Part III will contain the falling action/the part where it gets Real.

Tell me if you’d like to be added to the tag list! :)

#wip: hamish #writing update #writing project #amwriting #writeblr #tw: abuse #tw: death mention #tw: sex #i adore Ofelia so much #and Horacio #these characters are terrible awful people. i love them so much

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ca1e70-deactivated · 4 years

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a list of my entirely way too niche headcanons ive actually implemented for everyones imagination:

name options ive used and refuse to retire: david elizabeth strider (sometimes i dont feel like being a douche to others and saying thats not his name), harley davidson strider, and david james strider for the sake of simplicity

im not gonna tell yall the like. oc exes ive given him bc thatll take eighteen years.

i dont rlly have an explanation on the ghost thing besides the fact he just can? ive occasionally pulled from family ghost stories and experiences bc i somehow got landed with family members who lived in a haunted house for a decade and enjoy scaring me with all the stories (including the time my cousin literally died on the kitchen floor from a bronchial spasm and one of the friends that was over asked my aunt later what was up with the old man she saw in the corner of the room that night - my cousin is fine btw shes just a huge bitch and a third grade teacher and i dont like her)

whether or not hes done drugs is based on absolutely nothing besides how im feeling in that moment. either hes the designated driver and sober friend forever or he got fired from his job after doing a line at work during graveyard with some random customers theres no inbetween (this absolutely happened @ waho. if dave works at waho hes a mess of a person and thats on the diner itself.)

ok look i hc dave w/schizophrenia besides when i was 14 i had a hyperfixation with learning about it and then at 16 was prescribed a medication and had side effects so wack my therapist genuinely thought 14 yr old me was onto something and its a weird way to cope with the idea that lady put in my head that i might “develop it in my twenties” which i turn 20 this year and i havent been able to stop obsessing and panicking over the prospect so PLEASE dont come in my inbox calling me ableist im not out here all harley quinn in suicide squad with the voices ok hes medicated, he goes to therapy, the hard fast delusion that lil cal was nearly sentient and informed bro of every single thing dave did no matter how asinine it was is no longer a debilitatingly affecting him ANYWAYS

i actually use the chicken/egg farming family pretty often just because its hilarious to me to give dave like. an actual mom and dad. hes literally an uncle to like three different kids he just never visits because they make fun of his skinny jeans and he hates one of his (incredibly bare-bones ocs all of them) brothers who threatened to bash his head in with a little league bat after dave broke his star wars lego set apart on accident (but not rlly) so their parents were like “why dont you stay with your brother in the big city for a lil while champ” and then they just never picked him back up? and thats on favoritism

the other one is that his name is actually david reed and hes the middle child of a family of three who literally live the standard golden retriever white middle class life only they went to disney land or something equally as dumb one year when dave was like 6 and he wandered off so bro literally just went “huh free game” because frankly he was an idiot who thought maybe i should take this kid home because its real dangerous in parking lots and then it was too late to NOT have it seem like a kidnapping and thats why daves never had a summer job, seen his birth certificate, or gone to school. but vaguely remembers what kindergarten was like and having a pet dog and calling someone mom as a kid.

im not making a bullet point about his sex life headcanons just use your imagination and acknowledge the fact bro essentially worked within the sex industry and i enjoy putting dave through trauma as a catharsis

i stopped doing this one usually but if he did go to school hes been in percussion since fifth grade and played the drums in his high schools jazz band as well as various edgy teenager garage bands he likes to pretend dont have a youtube presence and that hes absolutely never been shirtless in front of plenty of his classmates because he wore a hoodie to a show like an idiot. idk occasionally ill put him in an actual band he doesnt hate but keeps separate from his lil turntechGodhead internet persona (which i will ALSO touch upon in a sec) until they wind up getting looped into a tour with some bigger named band that has a show in *insert beta kid here*’s city and hes gotta come clean solely so he can visit his online friend. sorry derseasterous thats the one time weve ever run into each other and i made him have a crush on one of his bandmates i was in my anti-daverose phase where i made dave a hoe and also didnt want to admit i still loved the ship all these years later

i hate it so much but you know the whole vr loli trap voice shit that was popular a while ago? hes fucking baller at it for some reason. he did it as a joke while talking to bro and they both about shat their pants. if im feeling real ambitious, hes got a separate soundcloud solely dedicated to doing dumbass rap covers or making his own but in the voice under the pseudonym elizabeth “beth” davids that he will never admit is his. well, he will, but hes gonna be really fucking embarrassed about it. irony or not.

talking abt seperate soundclouds and stuff ive always had it where turntechGodhead was his like. essentially internet fucking persona facade shit he used because we all had that phase where we wanted memorable urls and stuff but also didnt want to totally ignore the nagging fear of people finding you in real life, until it turned into real life ppl finding you on the internet. so he also has basically an adjacent set of social media under the same name but its just a boring username i havent decided on so everyone he knows irl doesnt mix up with what hes made for himself as TG and the people he knows as TG dont know what highschool he goes to. (this occasionally comes with the territory of ppl on parp being pissed that daves “lying” or “hiding things” from his friends as if he was doing it out of spite instead of just keeping embarrassing tagged photos and videos from football games or when he ate shit at the skatepark from fucking with his “rap career”)

every once in a while i get on a kick where hes just german. like, i just replace houston texas with hamburg germany and have him apply to a university in whatever state is applicable for whoever im chatting with and it goes from there? sometimes he moved when he was little and went through the whole visa thing, sometimes he didnt go through the visa thing, sometimes hes a dual citizen because of family and shit, its all dependent on what suits the situation best.

one that ive been fucking with for a while but hardly break out (until recently with like 5 roses in the span of one day hell yeah) is that he has a neighbor at the end of the hall who is like a thousand year old witch lady that hes basically adopted as his mother figure in lieu of not having one and shes totally cool with it, especially bc when she kicks the bucket she fully plans on giving dave all her occult stuff so her figure-skating coach and realtor daughter doesnt sell it at a garage sale and lets it all go to waste. she also once brought rose up by name in a conversation without any prompting of her existence which dave didnt realize for days, and then one time cryptically stopped and stared at an empty space in the wall, went “she has potential, you know.” then looked at him sitting on her kitchen counter with a smile “lots of it” and hes thought about that weekly ever since. (it is important to note one of the occult items he leaves her is literally her own personal book of shadows shes been filling out for decades its like a 600 page leatherbound book dave has no idea what its used for but the sheer amount of homemade spells and etc in it is like. gonna murder rose the second this chick gets her hands on it i promise you.)

theres the standard strife shit? im not rlly gonna get into those theyre all basically cookie cutter bullshit. its just standard bro and dave abuse talk. i like to inclulde the whole 24hr live cam up in the apartment that definitely watches dave in every room besides his own and the bathroom, but that quickly delves into the prospect of middle-aged men stalking him online and basically sexually harassing him in his own god damn home by talking about how they can see him just trying to take his shoes off in the living room after getting home and frankly? its not one of my best takes! but once you throw it into the headcanon bin, its there forever.

he actually really does do something with his photography but not enough to warrant anything exciting, but he has his own branding for it and regularly takes pictures of his friends or anything else he thinks is moderately interesting enough to take pictures of, but those are just thrown into shoeboxes under his bed in favor of posting genuine shots because he wants to keep his image intact and blurry photos of jade smiling in the tree they climbed up together while bec paws at the base of it while whining isnt exactly something he wants the whole world to see.

i also pretty often but him into either paleontology OR i put him down as trying to become a mortician because he thinks handing roadkill once he graduated from museum giftshop specimens to doing his own taxidermy on the side has prepared him enough to perform an occasional autopsy and start embalming real human corpses. (sometimes i put my own desires in and make them his bc i have to project at some point and put him through the same EMT course i dropped out of bc it was one semester and he already has pretty decent first aid skills, but he definitely didnt expect it to be as fucking wild at times as it is, but whats he gonna do? get a job back at waffle house? the company hes working for just offered to pay like half his associates in paramedicine tuition and hes already got all his pre-recs done when he started for paleo. at least its a stable job and hes got the ability to be compassionate in the moment)

im running out of things that ive done to the poor kid. OH

hes not a virgin he had a girlfriend all four years of high school (shes also one of his optional and designated exes plz keep up) and their relationship ends in one of two ways: she dies in a car accident a week before their high school graduation, or she stops talking to him entirely a week after their high school graduation until a couple years later she gets into (guess what) a car accident with her current wife/girlfriend and dies which leaves behind their daughter. who just so happens to also be daves daughter. her name is hannah and i love her like my own but no one ever likes her and thats on the conditioning of dirk. does dave end up taking her in? yes. shes awesome and the first time he takes her to the park to like run off some fucking steam she disappears for two minutes and dave is moderately terrified until she comes back holding a dead baby squirrel and thats the moment he realizes huh maybe things really do be genetic.

ok at the bottom of the list im gonna add the couple of times hes been a camboy which usually coincides with the live apartment cam thing and the amount of people in his dms calling him hot or whatever, but typically its more of a started the day he turned 18 and basically dipped around 20 in favor of showing up randomly with no warning to complain about a video game dick in hand because it gives him an outlet that wont annoy his friends bc this is the fifteenth time hes had a lot to say this week about a certain boss battle and also the comments fuel his ego and daddy issues.

the last one wasnt the bottom but literally unless its explicitly proven otherwise every time anyone rps with me there is the underlying fact dave strider was a goalie on his high school lacrosse teams all four years and (shocker another one) definitely had the hots for one of his teammates like major hots like first gay experience hots. like it was painfully obvious that teammate also liked him back hots. like one night at a team sleepover one of the other guys was like can yall just makeout and get it over with were fucking tired and dave really had the balls to be offended and ask what the fuck they were talking about while literally sitting halfway in the mans lap bc for some reason they had to share the same chair.

he is also guilty until proven innocent of being the worlds biggest loner outside of that sports team and even though hes literally a jock he still opts to eat his lunch alone in the hallway or something like that and has a tendency to leave girls on read, but bc hes got an in with the rest of the jocks hes basically drug around to plenty of parties and since hes conventionally attractive enough and popular in the aloof way that he is, hes got plenty of tagged insta posts and twitter directs and snapchat streaks going.

THESE WERE ALL NO GAME AND DONT INVOLVE SHIPS BC I LIKE TO KEEP MY OPTIONS OPEN AND THEYRE LITERALLY ALL BASED OFF RPS IVE DONE I HOPE YALL JUDGE ME ACCORDINGLY

#theres probably so many more i mean #ive been on parp for at least 5-6 years now #ive been on cherubplay probably the same amount of time #and my memory is totally shot to fuck but these are just what i know ive done in the last YEAR #or thought were wild enough to remember #i put it under a read more bc frankly its really fucking long #and i dont want this to represent me entirely #these are also heavily situational based and not like. emotion or reaction based much?#some of them are #i guess i could rename this to like. things ive done on parp #but theyre technically still headcanons a lot of them can coincide with whatever #so theyre not very specific situations #anyways #this took me an hour

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lanasaved · 5 years

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sssslithers onto the scene like nagini.... hlo! i’m nai n i’m rly excited to finally return 2 rp. uni is officially Over n i’m living bk at home nw so i actually hav free time again to write. c’est une.... how do u say.... Miracle! some of u might b familiar w lana already bt if not u can find out mre abt her under the cut n feel free 2 like this or hmu fr plots!!!

p.s. this is her pinterest for those of u tht like tht kind of thing

CIS-FEMALE — ever hear people say LANA JAMESON looks a lot like KRISTINE FROSETH? I think SHE is about 22, so it doesn’t really work. The DANCE major is a JUNIOR that is from ALBANY, NEW YORK. They can be + VIVACIOUS, but they can also be - IRRESPONSIBLE. I think LANA might be SHEEP. They are living in BALTA. ( nai. 22. gmt. she/her. )

some random aesthetics: a red water pistol topped up with caribbean rum and covered in stickers of cartoon pin up girls, a vinyl record whirring silently because you got too distracted by a stranger’s hands to reach over and flip sides, giant inflatable flamingos floating in the aftermath of a pool party, smudgy lipstick kisses left like an autograph on someone else’s mirror

ic im sayin she jst got bk from going abroad w louis, this kind of sleazy older man tht manages the camgirls on the website lana works fr. he calls himself a “big exec” at “the company” n mkes it all sound a lot more professional than it is. he also owns this big house w all these different rooms/settings fr the girls to film different kinds of scenes in n is looked up by a lot of ppl bt when asked why they look up to him, nobody ever rly seems to have an answer. jst...a shady figure. lana kind of.... went off the deep end lst semester n ended up deferring her next one after missing her big graded ballet recital. it’s a whole big mess n she’s wearin horse blinders to it. truly jst.... goin on holiday to ignore hw much she’s fuckin things up at school. queen of burying her head in the sand!

frm this point on ive jst pasted her old intro bc im the laziest woman alive n that’s jst life Babey

grew up in a big house in albany, NY, bt also spent time all over the place n was in the city a lot

okay so her mum is an old money socialite / three time campaign model way back when n her dad is a big record label mogul. he owns a label called jameson records n they repped a few big rock bands back in the eighties, altho they’re mostly known for ‘poppy injects’ whose lead singer had a big heroin scandal tht brought down his career. lana p much grew up around musicians snorting lines instead of spooning down cereal fr breakfast n her parents were v much absent her whole life

they’re pretty well off obviously n bc of her relation to such a big music industry figure she’s hung out w a fair few relatively high rep ppl thru her teens. she amassed kind of an instagram following mainly fr her style (v penny lane-esque in some aspects aka lots of fur cuff trimmed jackets bt then also jst…. a wild combination of everything honestly. pastel faux fur coats, seventies style platforms, flame red cowboy boots, pastel coloured fishnet tights n glitter used like highlight Everywhere) n bc she’s undeniably very pretty

her parents always kind of jst… didn’t like her. it was v clear that she was an accident after her older brother caleb n that even when they just had him alone they weren’t cut out for parenthood. they always kind of jst… ignored her n hoped she’d go away. she had to mke herself microwave meals when she ws only like 12 bc they’d forget to get her anything. once she went like 6 days without her mum even looking her in the eyes once

despite this tho!!! she’s always been insanely close w her brother caleb. he’s her whole world. thts why when he decided to sign up to the army she ws understandably scared bt supported him regardless. bt then he wound up getting discharged under grounds of severe ptsd when he witnessed his best friend die in an explosion tht took place in a shock raid. caleb returned home n he was never the same n lana kind of felt like he’d died out there too. he’s in n out of hospital a lot n it’s rly hard on her bt she doesn’t tlk abt it to anyone rly

growing up lana was always a huge social butterfly. jst literally…. knew everyone n everyone definitely knew her. she ws one of those girls tht ws kind of impossible to ignore or forget. very animated, always made u feel like u were the centre of the universe whenever she spoke to u, always made it feel like u were best friends even if ud only spoken to her once. she has this magnetic way abt her tht is kind of hard to find in real life. it’s something ud only rly expect out of a movie character

she’s always been insatiably spontaneous n adventurous. always doing something weird n wild every weekend. she has ten thousand stories tht always earn a laugh or a gasp over how ridiculously absurd they r

anyway so after caleb got back he was rly withdrawn n depressed. he shut lana out n was kind of harsh to her a lot of the time, always telling her to leave him alone or pushing her away. it didnt help either tht lana had a rly traumatic experience w some of her dad’s colleagues at the label when she ws 16 n he was away n she cldnt even tell him abt it once he was bk bc of his own traumas. she kind of jst shut it all in n kept it to herself

this obviously?? made her spiral a lot. she was already a girl tht loved sex (she’d only rly done foreplay before tho) but since her trauma it got…. completely out of hand. it got to a point where she couldnt rly go 2 days without it, probably not even 1. her lowest point has probably been scrolling thru craiglist for anonymous encounters n meeting up w strangers on there fr a quick fuck jst for the thrill even tho it’s insanely dangerous n she cld wind up getting herself killed. it’s v clear at this point tht she has a sex addiction whether she’s ever admitted it or not. in fact she’s so… shameless in her endeavours tht she’s actually currently having an affair w her ballet instructor tanya who’s engaged to b married

she also currently? is working as a cam girl. she found this website bc she trawls… porn stuff a lot n she wound up applying to work as one bc she thought it’d b fun n wld earn her some disposal income (even tho she frankly doesn’t need it bc she’s already well off). the guy tht manages all of the girls on the site is kind of suspect n it’s a whole plot i’m gna unravel where it’s actually like the front for a cult or something wild so. stay posted ig. kgjdkgjh

new development!!!!!!!! cue me trottin around doin jazz hands. she’s actually been cut off by her dad so she’s….. living off the money she has left n has to look to find a job which is jst. a nightmare fr someone like lana bc she’s insatiably irresponsible n destined to be fired from anything she tries to hold down bt. it’ll be interesting bc this means she genuinely has to keep on camming even tho she’s starting not to want to any more bc of other circumstances i won’t elaborate on jst yet winks

personality/some fun facts: uncontrollably flirty. boundlessly confident. cld make a joke out a paper bag n her comedy is sometimes surreal / absurd. she tends to laugh when she feels like crying n has a smile brighter than a ray of texas sunshine. always dapples her fingers thru the breeze when she’s driving in a car w the window down. her fav book as a child used to b alice in wonderland n she’d fantasise abt having her own little wonderland too where everyone knew her name n asked her things n took her on adventures. at the time it didn’t rly strike her how evident it was tht that was bc she was so lonely. she almost always has some sort of sweet on her, whether it’s strawberry laces or gummy bears or cherry lollipops. she adores david bowie n prince n madonna n anyone tht’s a vintage style icon w little care fr what ppl think. wildflowers r her favourites bc they’re the brightest and u can’t buy them. she’s had like 8472493874 ‘relationships’ n none of them hav lasted beyond a month / hav been terrible / hav seen her being treated badly / she’s cheated on them. i dnt think she’s actually been w anyone she hasn’t cheated on in some form or another

plot ideas: exes tht lana’s fucked over hideously. she’d probably cheat a lot and it’d be a whole…mess. mayb someone tht flipped the switch and cheated on her? a cousin plot cld b fun too. a friend tht lana fel out w bc she slept w their significant other. someone tht’s getting lana into drugs?? she’s kind of impressionable/down for anything so tht’s a likely scenario she’d get into tbh. an unrequited crush!! (either way is cool). someone tht is just hanging out w her/using her bc she has a lot of instagram followers or they want to b signed to her dad’s label. someone in a band!! she’d probably make like penny lane n b their groupie/sleep w them all fgjkshgkh. umm a good influence too mayb? oh and a past summer romance/fling tht cld either have meant a lot or not have meant anything at all. bonus points if both of them hav a diff viewpoint on it. honestly?? anything is fine i cld ramble for days. let’s get wildt!

#livingintro #inhales fr ten minutes to muster the breath necessary to add al these tws #rape tw #statutory rape tw #only brief / touched on / not explored in detail bt stil!#abuse tw #ptsd tw #hospitalisation tw #hypersexuality tw #addiction tw #death tw #mental illness tw #drugs tw

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zekhromss · 5 years

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ive got some Opinions and i dont wanna get myself mad 4 separate times to make separate posts so like heres a masterpost of everything ive made myself mad about in the past 20 minutes.

-im so fucking tired of transmisogyny and like actually transphobia in general but whatever it sucks that like every piece of media has some form of it and its like its 2019 how is the joke “man in dress think he woooomahn” not tired like how do people keep greenlighting it. its stupid and ugly and i hate it i hate it so fucking much like can you get better jokes i wish there were a point in time where theres a collective Woke Millennial Hivemind that fucking massacres unfunny ass transmisogynists. every time i have to cringe through a “excuse me did you call me sir” “oh apologies maam are you gonna get the Surgerie done” in a normal human context i die on the inside and also explode

-i think it should be illegal to force organized religion on your kids (but like in a non-religious persecution way like not in real life illegal i just wish it never existed) and in fact if kids are sheltered from shit that doesnt hurt them like homosexuality and scientific studies on the world around them i think they should be sheltered from religion. religion causes a fuckton of mental and developmental disorders (typically emotional and psychiatric) that are damn near fucking impossible to recover from because youre always gonna be afraid of god or hell or whatever the fuck. like not even in a christianity sense (theyre typically the worst about this and i say this from personal experience but like, idk, ive seen it from things like....not christianity....) i really truly believe religion should be kept from children until they can develop their own personalities and states of being because basing ur life around a pre-existing moral code of What Makes You Good is harmful and in most cases kids wind up wilding out and putting themselves in danger because they feel trapped and constantly under the watchful eye of karma or god or whatever. like i really cannot think of a single religion where the basis is “just chill and promise to be cool” without some kind of punishment existing whether it’s “you’ll have to pay for this in your next life or in future interactions” and i think it’s just reaaaalllllyyyyy harmful for kids to experience like i dont think it teaches responsibility i think it teaches fear of mistakes because regardless of how merciful you as an adult think your god is, kids will not think like that. like idk. im sure theres good religions that handle this better but speaking from my standpoint i never found a religion that made me feel safe and Human until i got older. even now that im like a buddhist im still like “yeah but what if this religion based in being cool and kind winds up fucking me over because karma doesnt think im the same person i think i am”. idk im like traumatized from christianity tho so this isnt a good opinion for other religions so i guess this is about christianity sorry guys im not deleting this whole paragraph though.

-i think relationships in media need to fucking get away from “crazy insane medical professional who tortures people”. i dont think i need to write an essay on this. i dont understand why people keep making this archetype when it usually winds up being thinly veiled fetish torture porn for the first person this particular character interacts with and doesnt kill. like maybe its okay for strictly horror films but i really cannot wrap my head around why people keep using this trope, it’s lazy and uninspired and feels like the biggest cop-out of a character. like, you can make someone with baseline similar characterization but to put them in a place of forged authority to do whatever is just uh.....lazy....and it winds up being really gross really quick. this isnt strictly abt cicciolata or w/e his fucking name is but hes the first character beyond like idk jigsaw that i can think of so this is all his fault now. fuck you you stupid ugly bitch. be in a horror movie if you want to act like this. god. it is like better than Doctor Man With Psychosisisisissis!!!!!!!11111! because at least theyre being ugly as fuck on their own but ohhh mannnnnn you guys went to like. editors and whatever and they thought it was a good idea? we have to destroy all media and start over because these new archetypes SUCK.

-this kinda goes with my christianity rant but like i think....like i wish some form of black mirror existed where kids were independent from their parents personal opinions and there was like a thing that you could see when you were a kid that says “THIS IS NOT REAL LIFE THIS IS AN OPINION” when ur parents say some dumb racist/phobic shit because like literally parents are socially-acceptably brainwashing their children into having the same ugly ass outdated opinions and it fucking sucks. i dont think kids should have to listen to their parents opinions i wish there was a cool fucking Opinion Free Zone where nobody can tell you a religion is wrong or a race or identity is wrong because fucking yikes.

-also i wish every employer was like lgbt friendly and not “at will”??? idk how its 2019 and we still have fucking people getting fired for zero reason other than theyre not cishet and their boss like has some irrelevant problem like theyre a cheap fucking asshole who doesnt want to pay them like i wish every employee had a Book of Rights thats non-negotiable and if you as an employer overstep those rights you get murdered like im being for real like if youre a fucking piece of shit i want you dead why would you exist in a capitalist state where you have to have a fucking job to live and then fire someone for a reason that isnt real. fuck.

#personal #thanks for coming to my ted talk

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lyricalafrica2 · 5 years

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I was in bed by nine, it was pitch black. Previously we had dinner around 7pm as the sun was setting and had asked that the table be relocated outside so we could carry on enjoying the views. When the stars came out, once again they filled the sky. I spotted a satellite winding it’s way through the atmosphere. I find skies like that mind blowing and the fact that we only know a tiny fraction of what goes on out there and the greater universe. It’s crazy how far we’ve come in the last few hundred years and how far we have to go at the same time. We’ll never know it all, it’s something you just have to accept and in that it does to be relatively open minded.

The morning grew in to a warm sunny day. I had a little time to just sit and be without distraction. I’d made a conscious decision before I came out here, that exercise would take a backseat, possibly for a few weeks, just to give my body a break. I’d been kind of tapering anyway. I knew my routines would change and I’d have a period of adaptation. I came equipped with my trail shoes, a yoga mat and sling, resistance bands and a canister that I could fill with water and use as a weight. Intensity from memory, often came from the climate and the terrain, sometimes altitude. It’s nice to not have to fret about it for a while. My fitness stands me in good stead for various situations and the mindset that goes with it too. Sat here in Queen Elizabeth Game Reserve, it’s not really a place you want to be running and there have been lions sighted close by. There are guards on site watching over the campsite day and night.

So, yesterday we set off from Bwindi, travelling up and down through forested basins and hills of tea plantations and small communities. Passing schools and roadside vendors of vegetables. The children mostly smiley and wave enthusiastically. Gorgeous big, wide smiles, the kind of smile I rarely see at home, not to say that people can’t smile at home, but the openness of expression isn’t the same. Once past some of the more perilous roads, (the ones that make you hunch your legs tensely away from the side of the cliff edge and grip your seat…) I took over driving for a while. It’s a whole different ballgame to driving around Newcastle. There’s no smooth tarmac and it’s all done in a relatively low gear, often just using the clutch to get you through some of the bigger pots or dongas… (I know…). It’s been likened to sailing a ship. It’s great, this is the second time already that I have driven. I’m not perfect, but I’m handling it a whole lot better than I thought, considering my lengthy abstinence’s from driving. Cars are powerful machines that can cause damage, it’s a fear I’ve held of being responsible for hurting someone, my fault or not. I've seen various drivers and their habits, I’ve tried only to hang on to the good bits.

We had six days to get to the forest in Kibale for our chimp trekking expedition and so decided to take the more scenic route through the Queen Elizabeth National Park where there was a bush camp. Apart from an erratic fuel gauge and a tense hour spent searching for diesel, the journey was fairly pleasant. Again, never a complaint about the scenery. The route took us right along the boarder of the DRC. There was never any intention of crossing that, there are calculated risks and there is stupidity. What you don’t know enough about is often best left alone.

As we eventually made our way up to the park gate, I spotted a herd of elephants by the side of the road. One stood alone just off road, pulling leaves down from a tree. Unphased by our presence he went about his business as we pulled over to get my first pictures of wild elephants. That made my day! I’ve kind of lived around elephants before, but sighting them never loses its magic!

Once into the park, we made our way to Ishasha bush camp, passing a security check point. They wanted to see our permits before entry. We were warned there would be armed guards on site, wearing a different colour uniform, but not to worry; they were there for our protection.

The site was basic, meaning ablutions and more cold showers. I’m getting used to them again, it’s never a biggie. My skin is already turning, after a bit of an overcast day and not being able to find my sunscreen. It turns quickly, my freckles cover my rosy nose and cheeks. My hair is already slightly unkempt. I’ve been taking doxycycline (an antimalarial) for the last week and already I have that horrible lump in my throat from the capsule not going down properly. That aside, life couldn’t be better. It’s already been ten times more of an adventure than I anticipated.

The river was filled with hippos and literally on the other side, you’re into the DRC. Obviously there will be no swimming in that!

Sundowners and the first meal cooked on the stove of the trip. The site attendants had built a fire for us as night descended. It was put to good use. Chris intermittently shone a torch around the trees to make sure we weren’t being watched. Its leopard country and with lions close by, it doesn’t do to be blasé about their presence. We survived a rather uneventful night, no lions, leopards or even the regular elephant visitors. The laughing and grunting of the hippos continued. The joke must have been hilarious!

#africa #uganda #wildlife #freedom #elephants #inspiring #living life #bushlife #camping #travel #conservation

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alltheshadesoftruth-blog1 · 6 years

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Lannisters, Sex, and Power

“Everything is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.” ~ Oscar Wilde

Perhaps I’ve shown my hand a little too soon — perhaps I should have left you hanging. But sex is a key means by which Lannisters in A Song of Ice and Fire (ASOIAF) cement and legitimise power.

Tywin and Joanna

For Tywin and Joanna, this is particularly interesting. Their marriage was not so much a dynastic match (although it had a pertinent symbolic value in ensuring that the world knew that the Lannisters stood together now, and these two young, powerful nobles were its future) as a love match. While it may be tempting to characterise Joanna as someone who is gentle (another example of the “fix-it” ship, where one heals and softens the other — whilst it’s true that Tywin hardened after Joanna died, that does not mean that either of them were gentle before then, except with each other), Tywin does not respect gentleness, does not respect conventional “womanly” attributes. And, again, that is not to say that Joanna did not follow her duty as a lady to the letter (ruling Casterly Rock in her husband’s stead, providing him with counsel when appropriate, bearing perfect golden twins, a willingness to bear him more children) — simply that she should be treated as a person in her own right, and not subjugated to Tywin’s narrative and thematic needs.

Joanna, as I picture her, is very similar to Tywin in her ambition (I think she was going to be married to Lord Lefford before the match with Tywin was proposed? That may be fanfic though — in any case, as a Lannister from a lesser branch, finally making it to the Rock is a dream come true) and in her means. And then, are we really to assume that a woman who has Tywin’s ambition, pride, and commitment to the idea that the end justifies the means would consent to be the King’s mistress? The stories of the mistresses of Aegon IV would have been well-known — not only for their bastard-born children, but for the way in which they were cast aside when the King had had his fill. The idea of being the King’s mistress may have seemed like it had power (and, if your bastard grew ambitious enough, it did, although this is a negatively-coded power), but not as much as one could have as 1) Lady Paramount of the Westerlands, a position matched in prestige only by the Lady Paramount of the North and the Queen Consort, and 2) as a trusted Lady Paramount whose lord was away ruling the kingdom. For all intents and purposes at this time, Joanna would have been ruling Lady Paramount of the Westerlands, far more important than an ordinary wife.

Sex would have been, then, a way for both of them to cement their legacy. Partly because, well, Lannisters are canonically sexually desirable — in the books, Cersei is described as the most beautiful woman in the world, for all her sneers, and Jaime as her twin fares no worse. Even Tywin, aged 58 at the time of his death, is described as broad-shouldered and trim, and was described by Stannis as having been everything that the realm would expect of a King. But also for the potential power that an heir would bring them both, materially and symbolically. Materially, of course, it meant that the succession was secure, and that both Tywin and Joanna had done their marital duties (although whether they truly felt like duties is debatable). But there was a great deal of symbolic importance to this as well. In providing House Lannister with both a healthy son and a healthy daughter, Joanna not only highlighted the ideal of fertility/virility always connected to House Lannister; but also the dynastic potential — in Westeros, loathsome as it is to our modern sensibilities, a daughter is a useful carrot to be dangled in front of unruly lords (if any remained after the Reyne-Tarbeck Rebellion), and a son, especially if warded with one’s vassals, as Jaime was at Crakehall, would be a nod to tradition, to legacy, and to present prosperity. Just like now, Westerosi economic and political arenas hate uncertainty.

Tywin and Joanna’s marriage was, then, both mutually beneficial and beneficial to House Lannister in terms of present and future prestige and standing in the noble community of Westeros. And it would, therefore, be seen as the benchmark against which all other Lannister marriages were measured.

Kevan and Dorna

As one would expect, we have less canon information about Kevan and Dorna’s marriage, as they are tertiary characters at best, but their marriage represents an important union in Westerlander politics. After the War of the Ninepenny Kings, Tywin demanded hostages from any debtor who could not afford their repayments: to ensure that they would remain true and that they would remember that House Lannister would no longer tolerate insolence or refusal to conform to the responsibilities of a vassal. Indeed, Harys Swyft is said to have said, on learning of Tywin’s demands, “The lion has awoken.”

Dorna Swyft was one such hostage — we can only imagine how she would have felt, mostly because GRRM doesn’t tell us — and it was in this situation that she became betrothed to Kevan.

Kevan is obviously cut from a different cloth to Tywin — one not unlike their father, Tytos. More willing to follow than to lead, gentler (though not necessarily kinder) and more willing to appease than to demand. Whether he and Dorna grew fond of one another or whether it was simply an arrangement by Tywin to ensure that Lord Swyft stayed loyal, Kevan would have obeyed without question, no matter his personal feelings. We can glean two things from this:

1) Kevan and Dorna’s marriage is a sign of the power of House Lannister. Not dissimilar to the threat faced by women in places plagued by Dothraki warriors, the fact that House Lannister can both take the daughter of a vassal and then marry her to one of its menfolk is a clear sign of dynastic power: liege lords asserting their dominance in the feudal system. No matter how happy in marriage they may have become by the time the books begin (and let’s not forget, we only have Kevan’s reflection on that), their marriage would have continued to be a sign of Lannister dominance. But we can see something else in this example.

2) Kevan and Dorna’s marriage is a sign of Tywin Lannister’s power over the lives of others. In linking himself so closely with the fortunes of House Lannister, its dominance heightens his own. Part of it is because of the differences of character between Kevan and Tywin (Kevan would be more likely to obey anyway, regardless of who it was); however it is largely down to Tywin’s own forceful and uncompromising nature that this match was made, and it is another sign of Tywin’s dominance in every area of Lannister life. Again, however happy in marriage Kevan and Dorna may have become by the time of the books, one of the most important decisions in a feudal society was made by Tywin and they have been living by it ever since.

Genna and Emmon

Genna was betrothed to Emmon Frey at the age of 7 and wed to him as soon as she had flowered, and she has been making him pay for it ever since. We know from the text that Emmon has been overpowered by Genna and that she has never let him forget that she is his social better and that he is not worthy of her. Genna and Emmon’s marriage is another example of how potentially disastrous Tytos’ “reign” was. If marriages can be seen as yardsticks for the power of a house in a feudal society, then marrying your only daughter, your key “carrot”, to the second son of a minor and ill-respected house from another Kingdom instead of to one of your principal bannermen (such as the Reynes, which would have avoided so much bloodshed) was a major blow to House Lannister’s credibility and a major blow to Genna’s own reputation: even with Jaime’s assertion that she is “all Lannister”, and even if Emmon were to die and she could remarry, her reputation would be tarnished by the dishonour of a marriage below her station.

That said, I think Genna would have remained faithful to Emmon — the consequences of being found guilty of infidelity would have been far worse than being simply married to him, and there are other ways she can avenge herself on him. By allowing the rumour to persist, she is slowly eroding his reputation, while the fact that he is so intimidated by her means that there is little damage to her own reputation, as he does not challenge her. In doing this, she reminds him that he is not worthy by both Westerosi standards and by her own, as he cannot please her (he has never been satisfactory, and he never will be, and in such a cutthroat environment as House Frey, where we have literal child murderers running wild, looking like you can’t even control your wife is not an option).

Another point to note in this, although it’s not so much linked to sex and marriage as it is to Westerosi gender and feudal expectations: the fact that Genna is described as laughing and joking with household knights etc. mirrors strongly with Ned Stark’s much-praised style of operating, whereby he invites a member of his household to sit at the high table to talk about their business. One could argue that, in this sense, Genna is not only showing that Emmon is not satisfactory, but that even she, a woman, can be a better lord.

Tygett and Darlessa

If we only have a little bit of information about Kevan and Dorna’s marriage, we have less about Tygett and Darlessa, as at least Tygett is dead before the series begins. However, what information we do have suggests that they were not as fortunate as Kevan and Dorna in their match. Lord Marbrand, aside from being Tywin and Tygett’s uncle, is one of the most important bannermen in the Westerlands, as shown by the continued importance of Addam Marbrand in Jaime’s life — their sons are cultivated as friends and allies to the heir, their daughters seen as worthy wives. So on paper, a match between Darlessa and Tygett is only natural.

Despite the apparently beneficial nature of the match, they only had one son. Looking at the age of Tyrek (apparently about 13 at the time of Myrcella’s departure for Dorne), there are two options left to us:

1) Tygett and Darlessa married relatively late for a Westerosi noble couple. (Westeros is early compared to our own medieval average marriage ages). This in turn means that either Tywin specifically reserved Tygett for a Marbrand bride, waiting until Darlessa came of age (and Tywin’s draconian control over his life can only have grated with Tygett); or that Tygett tried to “pull a Blackfish” for as long as possible but, significantly, failed. Which could compound the seeds of resentment already present since their youth and Tywin’s conduct in the Reyne-Tarbeck Rebellion.

2) Tyrek was born very late in their marriage. This could either have been a calculated example of resistance on Tygett’s part (Tywin may have forced him to marry, but he wouldn’t be able to force him to have sex with his wife any more times than was necessary); or another example, in the Westerosi mindset, of why Tygett just didn’t quite match up to Tywin. Either way, we can see clear signs of how the relationship between Tywin and Tygett fully disintegrated (having already been partway there following Tygett’s horror at Castamere, which doesn’t seem to have been shared by any of his siblings).

Tywin creates such an unliveable goal that it would have been very difficult to live up to. This would, of course, cause further conflict, as Tygett is expected to conform to the Westerosi ideals of masculinity, and all that entails — having to occupy a dominant position in literally every aspect of his life, having to essentially roleplay as Tywin, would have been just as personally damaging as every other part of Tywin’s influence.

Tygett and Darlessa’s marriage can, therefore, tell us a lot about the more coercive nature of marital culture in Westeros. This was a marriage which had power exerted upon it from outside since the beginning, and this did not stop until Tygett’s death from a pox (interesting in itself — it’s not specified what kind, but if it were a venereal disease, Darlessa is not recorded as having had this or having died from it herself; which could suggest that he took it upon himself to relieve his unhappiness in a way designed to remind Tywin of their father…but then that failed too, and led to his death).

Gerion (featuring Joy and the Sailor’s Wife)

Gerion’s an interesting case — despite the fact that he doesn’t ostensibly fit into half of this piece’s remit, Gerion’s attitude to marriage, from what we can glean from the text, is very telling about his character and his relationship with Tywin.

For a start, Tywin is likely the only ‘Lord of the Rock’ that Gerion has ever really known — of course, Tytos was still alive when Gerion was born (indeed, Gerion’s wetnurse became his new mistress after Jeyne Marbrand died — but Gerion himself says: “My lord father would have made a splendid innkeep, but old Toad would have been a better lord”), but the main authority figure in Gerion’s life was…Tywin. This, and the age gap between the brothers, highlights some key aspects to Gerion’s relationship with authority and what this means for his attitude to sex.

1) Gerion’s the youngest of five siblings, the fourth son of Tytos Lannister. He is unlikely to ever have a keep and is therefore not that much of a dynastic catch, despite having the last name “Lannister”. So Gerion is really the only one of the five siblings who can enjoy being a Lannister, with no responsibilities or expectations. He doesn’t even have to attempt to make a name for himself from under Tywin’s shadow, he can kick back and relax. Which, in turn, means that he has a much more relaxed attitude to sex, since he has no form of dynastic responsibility

2) Joy is a key example both of the friction between Tywin and Gerion and of Gerion’s attitude to the world. We never hear of Briony except for the fact that she gave birth to Gerion’s bastard (was she provided for? Perhaps, but certainly not at the Rock, after Tytos’ own mistress — Gerion poked the sleeping dragon, he never stabbed it with a pitchfork) and she and Joy were separated. This last was probably at Tywin’s behest (‘fine, have a bastard, but she will be a Lannister bride with all the responsibilities that that entails’) but Gerion certainly, then, showed no signs of taking responsibility for her. He may not have power in any conventional sense, but he still takes his rights as a Lannister and as a man in Westerosi society.

3) The Sailor’s Wife is also interesting in terms of Gerion and his view of sex. It’s not really clear from the text why the Sailor’s Wife has to marry her clients: but it is quite telling from Gerion’s perspective. For him, because he has no dynastic responsibilities, marriage is a means to an end, and he probably didn’t even think of what would happen after he left and went on to Valyria. He drifts in a way that skips over the line from naivety into thoughtlessness.

4) Every canon piece of information we have about Gerion seems to directly clash with what we know about Tywin: Tywin, proudly connected to Casterly Rock vs Gerion, who seems to have spent as little time in the Rock as he could as soon as he was able to travel; Tywin, who desperately hid any sign that he had extra-marital sex vs Gerion who has two known bastards both bearing his look and one named for the emotion he feels his brother lacks the most; Tywin, desperately committed to legacy vs Gerion, who vanished without a trace. So we can suggest that there is something slightly Freudian, perhaps, in the way that Gerion rebels against everything that Tywin stands for: symbolic patricide.

#asoiaf meta #a song of ice and fire meta #house lannister #tywin lannister #joanna lannister #gerion lannister #kevan lannister #joy hill #dorna swyft #genna lannister #tygett lannister #formerly: kingofthelannisterpride

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sorikkung · 6 years

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i asked @softbams to ramble about bambam just bc i love seeing other ppl love bambam as much as i do and now its my turn so here we go,,, warning i get soft easily,, , dont hurt me,,,,

hnggnhkgsnj so like BAMBAM right,,, he’s,,, a DORK there is literally no other word i could use to better describe him and ill have you know i may seem to throw around the word dork online, specifically here on my blog but in actuality i use it extremely sparingly for those people that are so dfjklshjkf dUmb but i love them so much??? like ill only call my closest few friends dorks, i just use it a lot here bc i post about what i love and i love!!! bambam!!!! idk ppl express their love in different ways and “i love you” just seems so overused and meaningless and calling people a dork is just more me and honestly its the most endearing thing i could say about someone ANYWAYS so like why is he a dork??? he’s so wild in like every way my first impression of this kid was literally him spazzing on the floor and dabbing while got6 hyped him on and i was like??? THAT ONE. I WANT TO STAN THAT ONE I- I WANT THE TRASH CHILD thats literally how it went down and as you can clearly see i haven’t changed lanes since,, honestly to me the most attractive trait in any person ever is stupidity, and i dont mean shitty grades i mean like their sense of humour!! someone who isn’t afraid to make fun of themselves and be loud and wild and random and is just a little (or a lot) drunk on life every now and then, its just so,,, refreshing??? maybe its bc im like that and i find it hard to find people who can keep up with me in a sense but honestly with bambam its like im the one trying to keep up with him. it’s just so endearing to watch him screaming and roll on the floor and??? to watch him bambam around the place. he’s just so funny and it always makes me smile like an idiot??? and it seems like its not just me bc!! the rest of got7 seems the same!! his happiness and silliness is honestly so contagious like they call jackson the moodmaker and yeah he is (i LOVE HIM TO PIECeS hes a dork too) but like have you ever realised that like 90% of the time yugyeom is being a crackhead, bambam is like within a leg’s distance away?? and i say leg bc DAMN have you seen bambam’s legs, he prides himself in his legs WITH GOOD REASON TOO and he always has to show them off with those tight ass leather pants like calm down you’re killing me here. but ofc he’ll never calm down the boy has no control and i LIVE FOR IT bc its always unpredictable??? like you get bored of the same thing after a while but bambam is always so new and wild and!! keeps you on your toes!!! hes just so exciting??? and like omg i mentioned yugyeom before hE REALLY LOVES YUGYEOM (me too man, me too,,,) AND!!! ALL OF HIS MEMBERS!! like whenever the situation is tense he’d do something stupid to make them all laugh and the way he talks about his members??? its SO heartwarming to see him love them all so much?? i mean they practically raised the kid, like jackson and mark especially bc foreign line stuck together as trainees as TRAINEES do you hear this shit they have stuck together for YEARS before got7 debuted and they still love each other to death AMERITHAIKONG IS FRIENDSHIP GOALS IM SOBBING I LOVE THEM ALL SO MUCH like you know they’re soulmates when one gets a laptop thrown at him but he still looks up to him as a hyung alkjhlkgahsdfgs ill never live that down sorry its too funny,,, also like he may be a fucking idiot at times but i dont think enough people take him seriously?? like he has this mature side to him and its so nice to see that even though we all joke that he has no chill, he does actually have it when necessary?? like!! in that recent thai interview and he talked about his mum oh my god he loves his family sO MUCH I AM SOFT literally like he bought his mum who biases jaebum lmfAO a house bc they grew up under a tin roof WHAT AN UPGRADE and he bought his sister a car and like hes so modest about his achievements too like in that one hard carry episode where he and jackson in the back of a taxi at 4am had to take turns boasting and trying not to be modest, he had to brag about his achievements, this episode was so memorable to me bc only one of them was actually about him??? he mentioned that something along the lines of 8,000 fans went to the airport in thailand to greet him but then he mentioned about the concert tickets that sold out but it was GOT7′S concert like he had to mention his group bc they achieved that TOGETHER and like he then said he bought a house for his mum and a car for his sister like he was meant to brag about how much money he had but instead he said the good things he did so generously for his family im??? so soft??? his love for his family is SO SO SO precious (like him) and when he talked in that thai interview i was talking about earlier (i apologise that i keep changing subjects so quickly this entire thing is so messy) he talked about how his mum is the reason for his dreams to be a performer and how he wanted to provide for his family and dAMN HE DID!!! but like omfg hes so passionate about what he does??? its so so so inspiring to see, he went to korea at age FOURTEEN without knowing the language, the culture or really anything bc he went to rain’s concert and was so inspired and learned all his dances and songs and like it kinda reaches out to me bc like??? he started off as nothing but a random international fanboy and LOOK HOW FAR HES COME IT GETS ME SO EMOTIONAL!! and his mum kept on telling him that its ok if he didnt make it, that he could come home if it didnt work out, she’d welcome him with open arms but he kept going!!! bc he loves music!!! and hes so talented!!! and hes just so passionate,,, and so determined too!! such a hard worker!! like i dont think most of you realise just how intensive trainee programs are??? like he was fourteen and training 12 hours a day, he said it was from 10am to 10pm every day, and now he gets even LESS sleep like hes constantly talking about how tired it is like let the poor baby sleep oh my god he deserves rest but apparently thats too much to ask for in the kpop industry,, but no matter how tired he is he always has tons of energy on stage and off stage to make everyone laugh and keep everyone in high spirits and like he’s actually a ray of sunshine, a precious angel, a blessing to this world oml im rambling but thats fine that was the point of this lmfao i just!! MY HEART IS SWELLING FOR HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM!! and everything he does gets me so soft like i literally have an instagram saved collection of his smile that makes me smile and not like his smirk (which is,,, whew,,, REALLY attractice im weak for smirks) but like his full teeth, face wrinkled and eyes scrunched up smiles where he looks so happy and cute and i wanna pinch his cheeks hes just SO CUTE and whenever i see him smile like that i swear 7 years are added to my lifespan and it just MAKES ME SMILE SO MUCH bambam always makes me so happy like i think my parents i convinced i have a boyfriend at the amount of random smiling i do at my phone but like 90% of the time its just bambam,, hes just so aesthetically pleasing like we all know he is the fashion KING, like his style is so stunning but like i think his visuals are highly underrated tbh he had THE most iconic glo-up of all time, i remember during early realgot7 episodes he’d talk about how he wanted to no longer be the cute/aegyo type member and he wanted to be sexy and charismatic and oH bOy iS hE sExY aNd ChArIsMaTiC,,, if only the members that kept telling him he couldnt and that he was adorable would see him now, still just as cute and squishy as before but also a fucKIGNF BEAST????? like i think every time he does that prrah in never ever a part of my soul leaves my body. idk if thats even related. but like WOW HES SO PRETTY EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM IS JUST SO ATTRACTIVE PHYSICALLY like he has rlly pretty eyes, esp w/ contacts they really just make you notice them so much more and his lips?? everyone talks about his lips but NOT ENOUGH like theyre so plump and kissable and honestly i could kiss them all day if hed let me omg is that a bruno mars lyric ANYWAYS if you do era killed us all, dont deny it, even jinyoung noticed his lips i just LOVE BAMBAMS LIPS and like his JAWLINE is so sharp it could cut a bitch it just defines his face so well and his makeup too like bambam’s makeup is always so on point, kudos to the stylist noona like its not that he needs makeup, makeup needs HIM like it compliments him so well and adds to his,, aura?? idk about you but he owns the stage, like he has this aura to him he has made the stage his bitch, he’s not on the stage he owns it do you HEAR ME???? HE!!! IOWNS!! THE STAGE!! his dancing is so mesmerising?? and his voice??? he has every ahgase wrapped around his long ass legs finger whether you like it or not. and what i was saying about makeup like without makeup he transforms into the cutest, squishiest bean that i just want to PROTECC like his dUaLiTy you can hear that about any kpop idol but still, bambams duality is so crazy, he’s just....so sOFT AND FLUFFY offstage (when he isnt screaming like a maniac, but even then,) his laugh. is so cute, and so contagious i feel like ive said that already but its not any less true and like barefaced bambam just being barefaced and wholesome and cute and????? im??? adjhgjkahkldghalkj,,,, he just,, just him smiling makes my day fUCK ive said that already but as you can see i am whipped asf for his smile i,, and also how hes so bad at aegyo when he needs to do it but he has natural aegyo when hes not?? ??? ? HES SO CONFUSING i love it honestly i love him i just ugghhhhhhh. and hes so talented too!! SUCH AN UNDERRATED DANCER GOSH he has been dancing since he was a really smol bean and HES SO SHARP AND FLUID AT THE SAME TIME like nobody appreciates his dancing as much as they should and that makes me really sad bc its so enthralling to watch him dance, he really puts his all into it you can see it, but nOBODY TALKS ABOUT IT ENOUGH???? WHERE are your fuckign eYES YALL ARE BLIND AND MISSING OUT and his voice oh my lord his voice makes me fEeL thInGs especially when he does that thing when he talks all low and raspy and his accent is attractive too and like i would pay good money just for bambam to just talk to me like that all day like sure he isnt the best rapper in the industry, jyp never really had impressive rappers until stray kids but like he does his job as a performer well and UGH HIS VOICE IM WEAK IN THE KNEES like i die on the inside every time he says baby or honey or smth like that and usually i hate those specific pet names, but have yall seen that video of him saying “goodbye honey! awh, im your honey?” or just him saying honey in whos that or jsut AJAKLKAJKJKGFJ HIS!! VOICE!! and when he says double b i just FEEL his confidence and that aura i was talking about before now i have the habit of yelling out or at least mouthing double b along with him its actually everything??? omg and his meme game like i know i already rambled about how dumb he was but like specifically his meme game and his TWITTER OML like the whole dabbing thing, idk who started it but he made dabbing his bitch like he gave zero shits what other people thought, dAB ON THEM HATERS AMIRITE, and even on that one vlive where he claimed that dab was history he ended up saying he IS the history of dab and then dabbed in the next japan promotions with yugyeom anyways. the dab is not dead. the dab will never die. and his twitter holy fuck did you guys see the whole steven deng fiasco where he agreed to his petition to rename bambam to dabdab bc he couldnt be stopped then he INTRODUCED HIMSELF AS AKA DABDAB ON LIVE TV WHAT AN IDIOT IM SO IN LOVE and like in the video where everyone was saying you dont pick your bias, your bias picks you (bambam didnt “pick” me, he grabbed my hair and yanked me down into hell) he fucking said “i pick you” like hES THE KING OF FANSERVICE FOR A REASON OMG hes always flirting with his fans on twitter and calling them baby or babygirl and like at fansigns and concerts whenever a fan goes on stage with him he just flirts with them so much and calls them his queen, his everything etc, just i cant even begin to list all the times where he flirts with ahgases idk if hes naturally flirty or he just likes to give the fans what they want but BOTH IS GOOD TBH bc flirty ppl are attractive and like if its just for fanservice then that just proves how much he appreciates and cares for his fans like wow he really loves ahgase?? REMEMBER THAT CONCERT WHERE HE TEARED UP AND CALLED AHGASE “THE BEST GIRLFRIENDS EVER” I GOT SO SOFT HES SO GENUINE aKDFJLSJFLgdfklgjalfk and back to how stupid he is like he is also a petty ass bitch like he casually exposes his members a lot i LIVE FOR IT like the whole mark throwing a laptop thing or like other shit i cant remember off the top of my head and hes just so sassy and petty all the time like i love it so much oh my gosh sassy bam is an underrated concept bc savage jinyoung steals all the spotlight rip :(( nothing against jinyoung i love him to bits too but!! sassy!bam is just, my will to live tbh oh also can we talk about how hes literally a model like he made the camera his bitch too not just is his face gorgeous and his makeup stunning and his hair on fleek and his style amazing but like you can feel his aura through the camera too, he just stares with this LOOK its like hes actually looking at you his visuals are SO POWERFUL again not talked about enough bambam in general isnt talked about enoguh outside of being a meme and :((( it makes me sad esp when people still baby him like no hes a grown ass man hes had his glo up like have you seen him??? sure he can be effortlessly cute but also effortlessly sexy like he really is the entire package and oh my fuckign god he LOVES CATS HE REALLY IS THE ULTIMATE PACKAGE like everyone knows about pudding and latte but even before then he loved jb’s cat nora and apparently nora liked bambam more than jb and would wake him up at 9am every day and bambam would play with her for a while then go back to sleep and nora would sneak into his bed and omfg bambam and cats, two of my favourite things wow what a concept?? i just DIED when i saw his insta story updates calling his cats his babies or his sons and its just so precious i want to cry. speaking of social media again can we just appreciate that he runs most of his social media in ENGLISH, not hhe language he usually speaks (korean) or his first language (thai), but ENGLISH, just to accommodate for the international fans, hes going outside of his comfort zone and its so considerate of him and that once again proves how hes the sweetest person ever and loves ahgase so much and i feel so honoured to be an ahgase and i love BAMBAM, kunpimook bhuwakul, dabdab, double b, lil’ shit whatever you wanna call him, so much, and this got way too fucking long and random and the subjects changed too much lmao its rlly messy but like its a ramble so there you go i like bambam im out

#jesus christ #im impressed at mysellf for all this shit #kaifen rambles #like really #really #rambles

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lawlliets · 7 years

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personal post / dont feel the need to read or reply im just venting abt myself and my life and my head and its super super SUPER SUPER long and i have nowhere else to vent besides this website and if youre wondering its just me venting about my anxiety and my life and myself, nothing else

#long post #deleting later

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samanthasroberts · 6 years

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Types Of First Dates You Should Never Ever Go On

Weve all been there. You swipe right, he swipes right. You start texting and he doesnt attempt to immediately whip out a photo of his erect penis 3.5 seconds into the conversation. Jesus. He could be The One. But then he suggests an idea for your first date and it is horrifying. Like it makes you question everything you know about this person that youve never met IRL and whose existence you just discovered 7 days ago. You cant trust anyone. Tbh if the suggestion is anything other than lets get drinks, Im not going. Like, you want me to show up to something where I might have to be sober? And talk to new people? And, like, have meaningful conversations? Nope, sorry. My personality is not cut out for that shit. I would rather you have just sent me that dick pic from the get-go so I would have already known youre a fucking weirdo and moved on.

Personally, Ive been asked on a lot of weird first dates. Like, dates that would surely have ended in the guy wearing my skin as a suit. And as its 2017, aka the era of thriving fuckboys, I can only imagine the worst is yet to come. So in order for you to protect yourselves from the fuckery thats bound to ensue when you regularly use a dating app, these are six first date ideas that you should never ever agree to, ever:

1. Any Outdoor Excursion

First of all, if youre into the outdoors and doing things then idk how we matched in the first place. Im gonna take a wild guess here and assume that I was blackout when we matched or you had a dog in your profile picture. Just a guess. BUT if we did match and get to talking and you asked me to, like, go for a “hike” with you? Or go on a “boat ride in Central Park”? Honestly, Im using the question marks here because Im not entirely sure people do these things as I havent actively chosen to go outside in weeks. Asking for a friend, but do people do things anymore? Message me if you know! K, thx. REGARDLESS, if you think Im trekking to some undisclosed outdoor location that a) does not include alcohol or b) has shitty wifi service then you are sorely mistaken, sir. Ive seen this episode of and it does not end well for the girl that follows a beautiful stranger into an electronic dead zone Central Park.

^Me when someone suggests going outside

2. Extravagant Trips To Europe

Contrary to what would have you believe, first date trips to foreign countries are not actually, like, safe to go on with a stranger. Let me go out on a limb here and say that a person who suggests this type of date is less likely to be The One and more likely to be The One To Sell You Into Sex Slavery. Just saying. And if youre thinking, like, no one actually suggests things like this in real life then I applaud you because clearly youre doing something right and not going flirting with psychopaths. Cheers! And though Ive never personally been asked to meet someone in Europe for a first date (yet) this did really happen to a friend of mine. I wish I was joking. The scary thing is this friend was actually considering taking British Stranger Danger up on his offer. To which I responded with this:

But dont take my word for it, Im just a girl whos successfully spent 25 years on this earth without being abducted and/or murdered. *screams internally* To be fair this girl did not end up murdered and/or someones sex slave. Shocking, I know. She actually had quite a lovely time, BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT. The point is that I stand by my earlier statement about girls ending up dead. If you’ve seen any Liam Neeson movie then you should know that nothing good happens to girls when they travel abroad with strangers or very slutty friends. So just as a rule of thumb, maybe never go abroad to meet someone for the first time, lest your face end up on a milk carton. Just say no, girls. Say no to drugs, say no to unsolicited dick pics, and say no to free Euro tripswords I literally never thought Id speak. I guess theres a first time for everything.

3. A Wedding

If someone asks you to be their date at a wedding, just know that this date will 100 percent end in the guy emotionally masturbating his problems all over you by the end of the night. No normal, emotionally stable human would ask a dead-ass stranger to be his date to a wedding. This isnt senior year formal. You cant just ask some rando in the library to be your date so your ex will get jealous of all your pics. This is a wedding. A sacred moment between two strangers that you do not know because you are just a random person at this wedding. Never forget that. Tbh I barely want to go to people’s weddings whom I actually know and care for, much less a random couples wedding with a guy who def lied about his height in his Bumble bio. Nope. That idea is garbage and so is the human who suggested it. Next.

4. Stoop Invites

What is a stoop invite, you ask? Its when a guy literally asks you to come sit on his stoop. Because this is New York City and no one owns anything its not even his own stoop, its the buildings stoop. So basically he just asked you to come sit on a public slab of concrete with him because he is a cheap motherfucking asshole. Though, I am sure sitting on his stoop is some sort of euphemism for where hed really like you to sit. Vomit. Either way its cheap and creepy and I am not fucking down for that.

Guy: So you, me, my dick stoop… what do you say?

Me:

5. A Dinner Date

You might think Im over exaggerating, which to be fair 99 percent of the time I totally am, but not this time because, people, a dinner date is a trap and you SHOULD NOT FALL FOR IT. It seems innocent enough, maybe even a little romantic because it seems like hes down to spend more money on you than the one half-priced beer from whatevers on tap at happy hour. But drinks can last 15 minutes (depending on how fast you chug) while dinner can last HOURS. I mean, what if you hated this dude by the time the waiter brings out the complimentary bread basket? Are you telling me that in order to indulge in something I love, I have to sit through 90 minutes of some douchebag who only wants to talk about ~in minute detail~ his last deep sea fishing trip with his bros? Tbh Ive done less for free bread sticks. Either way dinner is not a good first date option. Maybe a second or a third date, but it’s def not something I want to sit through with a fucking stranger.

6. An Invitation To Cross State Lines

Ive said it once, Ill say it again, but even my hoe-ass has limitations and I draw a hard line at the New York state border. I have been in many a healthy mature Snapchat relationships since moving to New York that somehow always end in the guy saying, actually Im living in Jersey right now. Like, what do you want me to do here? Take the PATH? New Jersey Transit? That seems like a lot of effort for someone who probs lied about his job title and def used a photo from his senior year frat formal for his profile pic. NOPE. Lifes too uncertain rn and I cant waste my time on this foolishness so its gonna be a no from me. Sorry pal.

Jesus. This is seriously making me want to delete all of my dating apps rn. I want to, but I wont. Because I am a romantic masochist who likes wasting the best years of her life on guys whose best attempt at writing a bio is I call myself Jared, but you can call me tonight

*looks for the gun emoji*

Source: http://allofbeer.com/types-of-first-dates-you-should-never-ever-go-on/