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Bittersweet Escape

Author’s Note: It’s been a while folks. Just wanted to get a few things in order before school started, hope no one forgot about me :). This post is dedicated to @swaggysposts who requested the prompts, and themes of this imagine, so blame her for the tooth-rotting fluff and filthy smut. I just hope I did her fantasy justice. Anyway, its a long one guys, I kind of went off the rails. I seriously dont blame you if you don’t finish reading this one. 😂

Summary: The slow burn relationship between Tony Stark and Y/N, leading up to their honeymoon night.

Warnings: Fluff, Smut, in that order. Age gap, slight daddy/dom kink, slight exhibitionism...and I think that’s it.

Word Count: 15.2k

Disclaimer: while the pictures in this vision board are not mine, the vision board is.

Edited on 19 September 2020. Just did some minor editing and a few changes/additions in dialogue near the end.

You were his assistant. Before you, he couldn’t keep one to save his life. Most of your predecessors couldn’t handle his eccentricity. The ones who could, he fired shortly after sleeping with them. Something about them becoming clingy and demanding special treatment, rubbed him the wrong way.

But, you could perform your job and more, under the pressures of his personality. When I say more, I mean that you basically carried his company from behind the scenes. You also didn’t pay him any mind. This is ultimately what drove him crazy.

How could this beautiful woman—who kept him from drowning, fail to give him the time of day?

Naturally, Tony became obsessed with you. He could not get you out of his head. His interactions with you started off as a joke. He would often tease you, flirt with you, and demand outright ridiculous things of you just to get your attention. He once demanded you give him your opinion on the color orange. The days where he called you in his office to hand him things within two inches of his grasp, were the worst.

You remained a champ, however. No emotion other than content, ever showed up on your face. Some would say your great indifference towards him, is what drew him in. But your beauty, and brilliance certainly didn’t hurt. You were a jack of all trades, that never failed to impress.

As time went on, Tony’s feelings for you gradually shifted into something more. You both now had months of working closely together for him to realize he was hopelessly in love with you. He hung on to your every word. Valued, your every opinion. Did any, and everything just to accomplish what he thought would please you. Still it seemed nothing worked.

On the brink of giving up, Tony found himself drifting towards the break room where you currently resided. He had been laying it on thick that morning with his clever sexually charged suggestions. He felt like an ass for pursuing a woman who didn’t want him. He just couldn’t believe that the one person he actually wanted didn’t want him back. So, he felt the urge to apologize to you profusely, before he heard you mentioning his name.

“…and Stark is pretty amazing. Excruciatingly sexy. I really like him.” You admitted into the phone, sighing for a moment before continuing. “But I know we wouldn’t work out. No, I’m not gonna just ‘fuck him…’” You continued your conversation with the unknown caller, but Tony tuned you out after hearing you say you had no faith in your non-existent relationship with him.

No, he thought. I won’t accept it. He refused to let you throw away a chance at something great.

Come 6:30 pm, well past the end of the workday, you both found yourselves leaving for the elevator. You always left at the same time as him, to avoid the off chance of him needing something long after you were gone.

You, who were always very perceptive of your environment, immediately took notice of your boss’ unusually quiet demeanor. However, you said nothing, as you both descended from the top floor of the Stark Tower.

When you first entered the elevator, he took to the opposite side of you, arms crossed as he leaned against its railing, while you stood in front of its panel. You stole occasional glances, and each time you noticed him observing you. He didn’t even try to hide that fact. You dropped a few floors before the silence began to consume you.

You swiped your tongue over your lip swiftly, before speaking. “Good evening Mr. Stark.” You greeted, offering a tight smile.

“Good evening.” He uttered, as his dark brown orbs remained trained on you.

“What are your plans for dinner tonight?” You asked, just to spark a conversation.

“Why? Are you offering?” He flirted, quirking his brow and lips for a split second.

“I’m craving a seafood pasta.” You informed him, completely ignoring his suggestion.

“Why won’t you give me a chance.” He questioned.

“I haven’t had pasta in a while now.” You said smiling, turning to meet his eyes. When they read to you dourness, you dropped your grin. He was not in the mood for your usual elusive dance.

“I know you have feelings for me, Y/N.” He started. “I heard you admit it today.”

You thought about when he could have possibly heard you say that, until you remembered your phone call with Natasha. Eyes now wide in alarm, you asked “You were eavesdropping on me?”

“Why don’t you think we’ll work out?” Tony asked, trying to mask the vulnerability in his voice. He usually did a great job at hiding his emotions, but you proved to be a challenge. He could never read you, but you never failed at reading him.

You still had a few floors to get through, and you knew you couldn’t avoid your way through this one. Besides, avoiding only worked when Tony thought you were uninterested. You inspected him for a moment, before you gave him your explanation. You felt you at least owed him that.

“Mr. Stark, I do like you. A lot, actually. But I prefer to keep my business separate from my pleasure, whereas you don’t mind blurring those lines.” You looked as if you were about to continue, but Tony jumped the gun before you could.

“Y/N, with all due respect, if we began dating I’d just fire you.” Tony said with a surprising seriousness, causing you to breathe out a laugh. He lit up when he heard the sound.

“No.” Is all you simply said, small grin still plastered on your features.

“Okay, but it can’t just be about working here. You’re brilliant, and you practically run this company. If I were to let you oversee a different division, you wouldn’t be directly under me—”

“I wouldn’t want you to do that, just because you like me.” You interrupted.

“But I wouldn’t.” He told you. “That would be a terrible business move. I would do it, because you genuinely deserve it. All feelings aside.”

The look you read in his eyes, was vastly different from the ones you had seen before. Yes you saw his look of longing, his look of desire, and of lust. But this one revealed his sincerity. He had nothing to gain.

Dropping your head down, you found yourself feeling guilty for some reason. “Mr. Stark—”

“Tony.” He interrupted.

“Mr. Stark,” You corrected, ignoring his look of disappointment. Getting on a first name basis could mean becoming too close. “You’re right: it isn’t just about business for me. If that were the case, i’d just find another job.” You began gnawing at your lip, something you often did when you got nervous. “Its about a secret I have.”

“I love secrets.” Tony chuckled.

“Well you won’t like this one.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Its actually quite embarrassing.”

“Just tell me. I won’t judge you” Tony guaranteed.

Before you could start your sentence, the elevator chimed, signaling you that you have reached the first floor.

You couldn’t make a move, before Tony crossed to your side of the elevator. It felt like time slowed when his scent and proximity enveloped you. An inviting smokey aroma, and a hint of black coffee, invaded your senses, sending your mind into a frenzy for a short moment. Then it all stopped almost as soon as it started. He was back to his side of the box. You wondered what that was all about, until you felt the lift move again. When you looked at the panel, about 15 buttons were lit up.

“Are you out of your fucking mind Stark?” You shrieked.

“You have that effect on me.” He casually replied.

“What is your problem?” You cried.

“You.” He answered.

“This isn’t a joke, why would you do that?”

“So you could tell me your secret.” He looked at you as if you were being absurd.

“I would have told you just fine outside of the elevator.”

“So we could be alone together.” He said stepping closer once more.

“I’m your personal assistant. We’re always alone together.”

“So I could do this.” Swifter than his earlier movements, Tony was on you in an instant. He cupped your cheeks so he could meet your lips with his. The kiss felt like you had done it before. It felt like his lips were made for kissing yours. He didn’t even have to gauge what he thought you liked, he just knew. He knew your lips would bend to his will. He knew your tongue would be submissive to his. He even knew, your small hands would find their home around his neck.

Turning his head ever so slightly to deepen the connection, his tongue darted inside your mouth, tangling with yours. Your hands each went into their own directions; one traveled the side of his face, while the other journeyed across the expanse of his shoulder.

His hands took a trip of their own. While one remained fastened to your jaw, the other took a tour along the length of your body, taking note of every reaction, excited to learn your person. You moaned when he reached the middle of your back—the action sending tingles up your spine, as he pulled you closer to him. Relishing in the mewl, Tony caressed the area, willing more sounds like the previous one.

Before he could explore you more, you unwillingly broke the connection. Both of you gasping for air, Tony wanted to be the first to speak. His pupils were now blown and his lips a darker shade of pink. He steadied himself, by placing a hand on the wall beside your head. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay” you assured, trying to catch your breath.

“No. I should of asked.” Bringing the hand that was on your cheek slightly down to your lips, he brushed the area with his thumb, spreading the wetness into the skin. He leaned in for a calmer kiss, capturing your bottom lip between his , sucking softly before letting it go. “What was your secret?” He rasped.

You were so lost in his eyes, you were barely able to comprehend his words, let alone that he asked a question. “What?” You exhaled, shaking your head slightly in wonderment. You were still surprised a mere kiss could get you so shaken.

Tony pulled away from you, grasping the railing behind your back, caging you into one place. “I asked, what was your secret.” He smirked, happy to finally be the one making you disoriented.

“Oh! My secret!” You yapped, at the sudden recollection. So caught up in him, you forgot why you shouldn’t be. Collecting yourself, as well as your thoughts, you braced yourself for his reaction. Breathing in a deep breath of air you blurted “I don’t sleep with people I like” shutting your eyes as soon as you uttered the words.

Tony stood upright after a moment, dropping his hands, confused more than upset, though you expected him to be the latter. “What do you mean?” He asked.

You furrowed your brows and gazed up to gauge his expression, before continuing. “I mean if I really like a person, I won’t sleep with them.”

“Wouldn’t you rather sleep with a person you like, than one you don’t?” He questioned.

“Well, yeah.” You stood up straight, and hung your head down. He almost made you feel silly. “But, um. Well…I haven’t had the best luck with my previous relationships. The eagerness to have sex seemed to be the common denominator. So I promised myself I’d wait until I knew I really liked the person and they liked me. The only problem with that, is that it seems no man wants to date a woman who’s practicing abstinence.”

“And you haven’t given me a chance, because you assume I’d be one of those men.” Tony presumed.

You let out a playful scoff. “Assume? I know for a fact you’d be.”

“What gives you that idea?”

“I know how you are with women.”

“How am I with women, Y/N?” He dared, awaiting an answer that he could explain away.

“Oh. Are we doing this?” You dared back, raising a brow and a smirk. He nodded matching your sneer. “Just this morning, you asked me why I was a bit groggy. I told you, it was because I lost a few hours of sleep. And do you know what you told me? If I ever want to lose a few more, I should consider losing them with you.”

His eyes formed into thin slits and he pressed his lips in a firm line, cringing at his own words. “Y/N” he started, as he repeated a tsk noise with his mouth. “Sweetheart, I was merely suggesting that I could keep you busy, by putting those lost hours to good use.”

“And how would you put them to use, Mr. Stark?” You purred, crooking your head to look at him through hooded eyes, and small smug grin.

“Um…” He pondered, trying to avoid answering “with sex” like he normally would.

“That’s what I thought.” You whispered. You were a little disappointed to know, that he only wanted you in the way every man wanted you. By this point, the elevator reached the first floor again, but this time you were prepared. Taking advantage of his distracted state, you slipped through the doors. But Tony wasn’t through with you yet.

You felt his fingers wrap around your wrist. When you snapped your neck around to his direction, he spoke. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed this or not, but I’ve been pining after you for months now.” He explained, relieving his grasp on you once he was comfortable that you wouldn’t leave. “Most women throw themselves at me. And it isn’t very hard to seduce the ones who don’t. This means, that besides you, I could have practically any one I want.”

You violently rolled your eyes and blew air threw your nostrils, “And your point is, Stark?” Your hands were now glued to your hips in annoyance.

“My point is, that I don’t want any other woman. I want you. And yes, I wanna sleep with you, but I also wanna sleep with you.” He exaggerated his words, putting emphasis on ‘sleep’ the second time around.

You contorted your face into disgust. “Okay I get it, you really wanna sleep with me.”

“No! Fuck.” He palmed his face in frustration, dragging the hand down slowly to gather his thoughts. “I’m explaining this all wrong. I’m trying to say, I wanna hold you through the night. I wanna wake up and you’re there. I wanna make you smile, and I wanna make you laugh. I would spoil you rotten if you gave me the chance. If I didn’t make myself clear before, I will now: I want you, Y/N. And I know you must think of me as some arrogant son of a bitch, who only wants what’s between those legs” He let his eyes flicker down to your legs, lingering there for a moment before gazing back up to you. “But give me the opportunity to show you that I want so much more.”

He left you breathless moments before in the elevator, and speechless now. “Mr. Stark, I—”

“Tony. Please say my name.” He pleaded, his almond eyes piercing into your soul. It was rare for you to look so vulnerable. You have perfected masking your emotions. So he drank your vulnerability in while he could.

“Tony.” You said tenderly, tasting the word on your tongue for what felt like the first time. He also took pleasure in hearing you say it. You remained formal to his face your entire relationship, so it felt like you were both reintroducing yourselves all over again. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Then don’t say anything. Let me take you out to dinner tomorrow night. I can—wait no, I will get you the best damn pasta, you’ve ever tasted.” He smiled, when you chuckled. “We will spend the night, getting to know each other a bit more. Then, I’ll walk you home, instead of driving, so that we can take in the city. When we get to your place, I’ll give you a kiss goodnight like the perfect gentleman I am. And then I’ll turn around and go home, to think about you until the next time we see each other.” He promised.

You were in awe at the thought, but were still unsure. “I don’t know.” You answered, averting your gaze from his. You knew that he was a player, and you were afraid he’d hurt you. What if this is all some elaborate plan to get inside my panties? You thought.

Tony grabbed your hands, bringing both of them up between the two of you, willing you to look at him. “Please give me a chance.” He begged, silently pleading with his eyes.

And you, seriously thought about what the harm could be. If he ignored your wishes, then he wasn’t the one. Simple as that. So you said yes to his dinner proposal.

♡ ♥︎ ♡ ♥︎ ♡

He almost lost all of his composure, when you stepped out of your apartment in the little black crushed velvet dress that hugged your curves in just the right way. You paired it with black wedge heels, that made your delicious brown legs look like they went on for miles. Your hair was done up strategically so, to accentuate your appetizing neckline, and the dark red matte lipstick you wore made your lips look sultry. It was very obvious that you were purposefully trying to test him. But to your happy dismay, he was everything he said he would be.

You had your first date on his private yacht, that overlooked the city. While you could still see New York, you were out far enough to where you could also view the stars. You lived in the city your entire life, and had only ever seen them once or twice. Already, on your first night together it felt like he was spoiling you.

He ordered the most expensive wine for the table, consuming an entire cupful in one gulp, when he watched you wrap your lips around your glass just to stain it with red lipstick. He wished it was his skin instead. He meant it when he told you, sex wasn’t everything, but damn it, that didn’t mean he didn’t want you screaming his name. Still he promised to be the perfect gentlemen, and that’s exactly what he was.

After ordering you the best damn pasta you ever tasted, you competed with each other, almost as if you were trying to see who could find out the most about the other. He saw an entirely new side of you. You were usually so secretive about your private life before, so he took advantage of the newfound courage the wine gave you. You were also happy to see his more carefree side. He was always carefree, but his usual happy-go-lucky spirit was paired with a suffocating arrogance that never failed to annoy you. This one was genuine, and it was because he no longer had to worry about whether or not you wanted him.

After dinner, he instructed his driver to take you both over halfway back to your place, before you walked the rest. It was about a fifteen minute trek to your apartment, and he took advantage of every second. Every one of them was fleeting, as he fell more and more in love with you. He learned of your interests. Of your desires. Of your fears that came from dating. When you were finished talking, he urged you to continue, dying to know more about the woman who captured his heart. You wanted to know more about him too, but Tony suggested another date in order to satisfy your interests in him. You smiled, at hearing him propose another outing before your first one was even over.

When you reached your door, he wasted no time in placing his hands along your hips to pull you in for a kiss. This one was less feverish than the one you shared in the lift, but it still conveyed how much he longed for you. He took his time, as he moved his mouth against yours, tongue swiping against your bottom lip, begging for your permission to enter. You granted it, and like before he explored you with his tongue. He didn’t back away very far, in fact he didn’t back away at all. Instead, he let his lips slightly brush across the area that connected your cheek to your ear, whispering a “Goodnight, Y/N” Before dropping his hands, and turning to leave.

He left you hot and bothered, as you stood outside your door watching him walk away. This is gonna be so fucking hard, you thought.

♡ ♥︎ ♡ ♥︎ ♡

Your relationship began almost immediately after that night. He wanted to make you wait until the following Monday before speaking with you again, but you refused to wait that long. Tony being older preferred talking on the phone, instead of texting, despite being a tech genius. When you contacted him through iMessage to ensure he got home safely, he called you immediately to tease you for worrying about him. After you brushed him off, you spent the entire night talking to each other, falling asleep to the sound of the others voice.

He sent flowers to your doorstep, the following Monday after your date. It just sort of became a tradition after that. Sometimes they’d get delivered to your apartment, other days to the office (he loved to see your smile, when you’d find them on your desk). Each time they’d be a different kind with a note attached to them that expressed their meaning. Under the meaning would be a message from Tony himself. Sometimes the messages were cheesy, and other times very heartfelt.

The first bouquet was filled with pink peonies, that according to Tony represented romance and good fortune. They were his attempt at welcoming the success of your new relationship. He even said so in his inscription to you. ‘To the beginning of something beautiful’, he wished.

After your second date, he sent you yellow pansies, that meant he was thinking of you. In that inscription he begged you to ‘Please slow down, when you race through my mind’. The fifth date, was followed by honeysuckles. They declared his devoted affections to you. Their inscriptions insured that you were the only girl on his brain.

By the time your seventh date came, asters were his flowers of choice. Patience, was all the card said. He sent those after the first night you spent together at his place. You couldn’t keep your hands off of him.

After the date ended, and he took you home, you barely even gave him the chance to unlock and open the door before you were dragging him towards the nearest couch. You shoved him down on it when you reached it, throwing your thighs on either side of his, before devouring his lips. Rocking your hips against his, you consumed his growls of pleasure. He planted his fingertips in you thighs, slowly inching them upwards towards the hem of your dress. You left sweet pecks along his jaw, before decorating his neck with colorful bruises.

“Y/N, stop.” Tony ordered through gritted teeth. He felt his dick hardening beneath your movements, but you didn’t listen. Instead, you sucked, nipped, and licked at his skin, dragging your teeth over his throat. When you reached a particularly sensitive spot, he bucked his groin into yours, releasing a nasty groan that sounded like pure sex. Like a flash of lightening, his hands were on your hips, removing them from his as he placed you on the seat next to him. Your legs still dangled over his lap, and you looked at him with a wounded expression that was mixed with confusion.

“What’s wrong? Don’t you want me?” You asked, adjusting your dress, now feeling very insecure.

Tony was busy adjusting himself too (his pants felt tighter than usual), before he snapped his neck to question you. “What? Of course I want you. Doesn’t it feel like I want you?” He questioned, gesturing towards his prominent bulge. Your look of bewilderment turned into a smug smile as you took note of how big it seemed. “I just want to respect your wishes.” He added, smiling at your expression.

“But, I know how you feel about me now.” You assured him, leaning in for his neck again. He gripped your wrist when your hand traveled towards his zipper. He placed it near your side, before speaking.

“I wanna make sure our first time is perfect. Don’t you think you deserve that?” He asked. You had changed him. The Tony from a year ago would have ravaged you the second you asked him. But this one wanted to make sure there wasn’t a doubt in your mind before you slept together.

“Tony, I don’t care about perfect, I want you now.” You stated, leaning in once again to tongue your name into his skin. He cupped your face firmly with the hand that was on your jaw, beckoning you to stop and look at him.

“Be patient, princess.” He whispered, placing a peck on your lips.

You began to pout, as you threw your legs off of his to sit properly on the couch. You let the cushions swallow you, as you wore your disappointment in your face. Tony chuckled darkly at the sight before him, enjoying how cute you were being. He tucked his leg under the other to turn his attention fully around to you, letting his palm catch his chin as his elbow lay propped against the back of the couch.

“Y/N,” He cooed, when you remained focused on the nothingness in the distance. “Y/N,” he purred again, yet still he was met with silence as you trained your eyes on the air around you. When he reached to palm the inside of your thigh, he felt you tense up. He traced love notes against the exposed skin, dropping his free hand down to brush a strand of hair behind your ear. He lightly connected his lips to the shell of said ear, before he spoke.

“Just know, that when I finally do get my hands on you,” He paused to grip the inside of your thigh, parting your legs slightly before continuing, “I’m not gonna stop until your legs are shaking.” He promised. And with that, he pulled away excusing himself from the room, while you released a shaky breath you didn’t even realize you were holding.

There were plenty of nights like that one. Your favorite ways to relieve some of the sexual tension were, heavy make-out sessions, risky cuddling, and phone sex. You heard each other’s pants and moans before you would even see the other naked.

Taking your mind off of sex seemed to be the best solution, however. You were still eager to do it, but Tony took your original idea of abstinence and ran with it. He would never admit to you that you hurt him when you assumed he just wanted to get in your pants. He really liked you, and he was gonna make sure you knew it. That being said, you both did any and everything to keep your minds off of what the other looked like without clothes on.

You both loved to spoil each other. He was the mastermind behind your more extravagant dates, but you orchestrated your more low-key outings. He would always argue that they were better than any he could have ever thought of, but you would debate the opposite.

Picnics in open fields, ice skating in central park, even camping in the woods were places Tony made happy memories with you.

Six months passed since you two got together, and your apartment looked like a floral shop due to the amount of flowers he delivered to you. You desperately fought to preserve them. Though most would die, you saved the ones that wouldn’t, framing them with the notes he sent to you.

You found red tulips one afternoon after work. You found it very odd, since he always sent you flowers after a date, instead of before one. He always sent them after, to relay his thoughts about how you made him feel. There was no flower meaning under the tulips, just a note from him saying, ‘For a very special woman, and a very special evening’.

He always said things similar to the message above, so while you smiled and held the note and flowers close, you thought nothing of it as you prepared for your six month anniversary.

♡ ♥︎ ♡ ♥︎ ♡

“This is where we had our first date!” You beamed, sitting down in the chair as Tony pulled it out for you. He had you blindfolded on the ride there, but as soon as you smelled the sea, heard the seagulls, and felt your heels click against the boardwalk, you put two and two together on where you were.

“Sure is.” He smiled, as he took the seat in front of you. The warm candle light, instantly lit up his face. He was always clean-cut and prided himself in his attire, but you couldn’t help but notice he was more dressed up for this occasion.

“It’s still just as beautiful as ever.” You cried, head moving from side to side every so often because you couldn’t decide on which was prettier; the heavens or NY’s silhouette.

“And this is the part where I say, ‘it could never be as beautiful as you, dear.’” Tony cooed, only half-serious.

“Even your cheesy lines couldn’t ruin tonight.” You joked.

“Oh baby, I wouldn’t think about ruining tonight. It is our six month anniversary after all.”

“It is? Has it really been that long?” You asked, feigning ignorance.

“Ouch. Y/N, that stings.” He winced, mocking hurt.

“I’m sorry Tony, I guess I lose track of time when I’m with you.” You purred.

“And you call me cheesy.” He mumbled, cheeks sporting a tint of pink. You couldn’t tell if it was from the cool night’s air, or your comments.

You chose to ignore it. “Wait, so is that why you sent me those tulips? They were beautiful.”

“Yes it is.” He replied.

“You didn’t include their meaning. Could it be you’re running out of ideas? That would explain why you took me back to the yacht.” You teased.

He scoffed at you. “I could never run out of ideas. I’ll take you around the world, as soon as I know you’re willing to let me.”

His words left you confused. “Wha—”

You interrupted yourself when you heard the sound of soft music. You looked over to see that a lady dressed in white had taken her place in front of a harp. She was playing a gentle melody, when a man with a violin sat down beside her. They played their music so beautifully, it would have made angels weep.

“This is amazing…but where the hell did they come from?” You questioned, making Tony chuckle.

“Oh I keep ‘em under the ship. I only feed ‘em on occasion so they know to come back to me.”

“Okay smart-ass.” You laughed, leaning over to grasp his hand. You thought he seemed tense on the ride here and now. He wasn’t his usual chatty self, and only threw jokes here and there. You stroked the back of his hand with your thumb, and took your other hand to rub circles in his palm, something you learned that eased his nerves. “What’s wrong, baby?”

“Nothing. I just want tonight to be perfect.”

“Why?”

“Well because…” He paused for a moment, breaking his eyes from yours. “Shit, well maybe this will help me say what I want to say.” He gestured towards someone with a “come here” hand motion, and not a minute later a huge bouquet of roses got placed in front of you.

Your eyes were wide in wonder as you tried to comprehend the meaning of it. “Tony, this has to be over 100 flowers!”

“108 to be exact.”

“108?! I don’t think my apartment can withstand any more of these!”

“If tonight goes well, that will no longer be a problem.”

You didn’t hear what he said, as you were busy searching the roses in awe. Tony had sent you every flower in the book, but never roses. They were the symbol most known for someone who was in love, or falling in it, yet he never gave them to you. You searched the bouquet for a note but found nothing. “The tulips had no message either. I have to say, as much as I tease you for writing them, I always look forward to what you have to say.” You confessed to him, thinking you had shamed him into hiding his words.

“What I want to say, should be said in person, rather than on a notecard. The tulips stand for love.” He cleared his throat before speaking again. “I have fallen, so deeply in love with you, I can’t even find myself. But if I’m being honest Y/N, I don’t really want to.”

“Tony.” You gasped, heart beating a mile a minute.

“Please let me finish. I’m so nervous, I could choke.” He was sweating bullets, despite the cold night’s air. You grasped both his hands with yours, gazing into his eyes as he spoke, urging him to continue which only seemed to make him more timid. In an attempt to pull away, he spilled his water on your dress. The cold liquid made you jump up, causing the table in front of you to flip over. Bread, glasses, and candles littered the floor, and your servers were running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Tony threw cloth at the ground, as he tried to extinguish the candle fire before it got out of control. “I’m so sorry baby! Oh fuck, I ruined everything.”

“No, no, no, no, no! I’m the one who started the fire. But Tony, look: the flames are out, the view is still perfect, and the roses are still in tact.” You said, picking up the flowers as you tried to make light of the situation. You caused him to laugh, which eased his nerves a bit.

“The roses.” He sighed. “These little sons of bitches were supposed to make this situation easier.”

“What is so hard about saying I love you. I’ve wanted to say it to you for a while now, I just never had the guts.” You told him blushing a bit. Changing the subject, you said, “You certainly didn’t need 108 roses to tell me. Why that specific number anyway?”

He now felt confident in hearing you say you loved him too. “I’m surprised you waited this long to ask me. It means,” He paused, to get down on one knee. “Will you marry me?”

He could read the surprise in your features, as he took the roses from your hand. He pulled the middle rose out of the bouquet to reveal a ring tucked discreetly around its stem, thorns, and leaves. A beautiful Champagne colored diamond, sat between his fingers as he searched your eyes for answers.

“Yes!” You breathed out, dropping to your knees to throw your arms around his neck. You were teary eyed, as you kissed his cheeks.

This night, on your six month anniversary, you expected Tony to finally make a move in bed. Instead, he left you happier than you could have ever imagined as his fiancé.

♡ ♥︎ ♡ ♥︎ ♡

4 months later.

You were originally gonna get married two months after his proposal, but the girls felt that wasn’t enough time to plan your fairytale dream. While Okoye and Natasha gave Tony a run for his money planning the wedding and honeymoon, Wanda and Nakia helped calm your pre-wedding jitters.

Nat and Tony were constantly at each other’s throats about how things should go. Where she wanted simple and elegant, he wanted flamboyant and extravagant. She was constantly trying to cater to your style and aesthetic, while Tony wanted things to be over-the-top perfect for you in order to make your night one to remember forever. Okoye mostly stayed out of the planning. She only went along with the two to threaten Tony every minute about treating you right. “Be good to her. Or I’ll kill you.” She whispered to him as you guys went cake-tasting. “If you hurt her, I’ll slit your throat.” She smiled to him, while venue-picking. It was safe to say, he hated your friends, but one thing they all had in common was their love for you.

You couldn’t stand being around those three when they were in a room together. They wouldn’t let you lay a finger on the planning anyway, so Tony asked Nakia to keep you happy. As his wedding gift to you, he treated you all to a pampering fit for queens. Nakia was in charge of the bridal shower, spas, hair salons, photoshoots, etc., all courtesy to Tony. These were all the ways you occupied yourself before the wedding.

The night of your bachelorette party was one of your fondest memories. You and your friends got black-out drunk as you laughed, teased, and cried with each other.

“Here’s to Y/N, on marrying the moesinsufabullbasterd on planet earth” Natasha slurred, raising (and spilling) a martini. You assumed she was trying to say the “most insufferable bastard”, but it came out in jumbles instead.

Hiccup. “Heeesna thaa bahd.” You slurred back, playfully shoving the girl. Your words were just as incoherent as hers.

Your response caused Okoye to erupt in laughter, before her head promptly slammed onto the table for the rest of the night. She was now alongside Val and Carol who had both passed out within the first hour. Whenever those two got together they always drank like monsters.

Wanda who was rocking back and forth, looked at you suddenly and began to weep. For the eighth time tonight. “My baby’s getting married.” You were trying to hold it together, but her tears caused you and Nat to explode. You were three sniveling women, holding each other close as you guys bawled in your booth.

Nakia, the only one who could hold her alcohol, was done with everyone’s shit so she shushed you all. “Enough. I have gifts to exchange.” While Natasha and Wanda continued weeping, Nakia grabbed your shoulders, and beckoned you to pay attention. “Y/N, I know you’re hanging on by a thread here, but you need to listen very closely. I am going to teach you to please a man.”

Hiccup. “Nakiaaaaaa, I’m not a virgin silly.” You affirmed, slapping her bare arm.

“I know. But you haven’t been with another person in over a year.”

It was true. You and Tony have been a couple for exactly one year. Its been over 365 days since the two of you had even been laid. You still hadn’t even touched each other. You see, it was Tony’s bright idea to suggest waiting until you were married. He had played the waiting game long enough, so he thought why not? “This will make the event even more special.” He said to you, and to himself.

Little did he know, he would regret it. He didn’t anticipate the wait to be this long. You no longer cared about it as much as you thought you would. You were too busy worrying about the big day. But it was all that Tony could think about. He was on the verge of being feral the closer your special night approached.

“We have to get you prepared.” Nakia continued. “That is why I brung these.” It was then that she handed you her gift bag. You looked inside to find, a dildo, vibrator, blindfold, handcuffs, etc. There were things ranging from special pills to make you wetter, to anal beads. Everything was a toy, or something related to sex. The bag was filled to the brim. You didn’t know why you were so surprised: Nakia was always the more kinky friend.

“No, Nakia!” You yapped, a little embarrassed. You were horrified. “I’ll know how to make him happy.” You slid the bag across the table, but Nakia slid it back.

“Well these will help you if you want to spice things up.”

You slid it back again. “No thank you.”

“I insist.” She said, sliding it back once again. You guys played that game for a while, but you were so drunk you could play it all night.

“Fine, you stubborn child!” She joked, finally conceding. “But don’t come crying to me when you find yourself clamming up in your suite’s bathroom.” Though she was joking, you couldn’t help but find yourself growing anxious.

What if you weren’t enough for him? What if after all this time, you didn’t live up to his standards? He had been waiting so long for this, what if he expected your first time to be beyond amazing? What if you couldn’t give him that?

You thought about Tony, who was having a bachelor party of his own with Sam, Bruce, Clint, Thor, Bucky and Steve, and you wondered if they were having a conversation about the honeymoon too. You thought about how his friends were probably teasing him about how wild you were gonna be, since you’ve been sex-deprived for so long. Was he gonna still love you if you weren’t?

You pushed those thoughts to the back of your head, and tried to enjoy the rest of the evening. You looked up and waved to the bartender, shouting “Can we have another round?”

♡ ♥︎ ♡ ♥︎ ♡

The ceremony was wonderful, the reception even more so. You had the time of your life, with the people you loved, while they watched you marry the man you loved. Natasha and Tony found a middle-ground to make the day both extravagant and elegant. It was a dream.

But as soon it was all over, your mind drifted towards the honeymoon. The two of you were finally welcoming the world for the first time as a married couple.

“Y/N Stark. Mrs. Tony Stark. Mrs. Anthony Edward Stark. Mrs. Y/N Stark.” You practiced to yourself. You repeated his name, which was now yours, over and over in various ways, as you guys sat on his private jet. You would think you were on the brink of driving Tony insane, but he’d be a liar if he said he didnt find it cute. “Why yes, I am Y/N, but you can call me Mrs. Stark. AHH, Tony I’m so excited!” You cheered, slapping his arm repeatedly out of elation. Your outburst, startled him from his newspaper. He had managed to tune out your rambles for most of the flight, but little moments like these were hard to ignore.

“Christ, sweetheart. If I didn’t know any better, I would think you were happier with my name, than you are with me.” He laughed, rubbing his arm.

“It’s not that. I’m just excited!” You beamed. “We’re married! I have your last name.” Suddenly, you leaned into him, willing him to meet you halfway so you could whisper into his ear. When Tony lowered his head to humor you, you said. “Hey…Between you and me: I could kiss the next person who calls me Mrs. Stark.” You confessed, slumping back down into your plane seat to daydream some more.

Tony looked at nothing for a second before repeating your gestures from earlier that willed you to lean closer. When you leaned back in, he whispered, “I wouldn’t get that excited, dear. Those lips belong to me now.” He teased, slumping back down before saying, “Mrs. Stark.” He winked as he said the words.

“Eek!” You shrilled, as soon as the words left his lips. You threw yourself over the arm of your seat to place wet smooches all over the side of his face. Tony sat still, closing his eyes as he basked in them all. He looked at you confused when you suddenly ceased your actions.

“Hey, who told you to stop.” He asked, but your attention was on something else. Snapping his fingers in your face he gave up when he lost to whatever held your gaze.

With eyes full of wonder you said, “Wow! This is gorgeous!” You were gaping the moment the clouds revealed the beautiful island of Kauai. Like the wedding, your honeymoon was a complete surprise, which meant you had no idea where he was taking you. “Look at that view!” You gasped, as you admired the clear blue waters, trees, and mountains.

This was gonna be one trip to remember.

♡ ♥︎ ♡ ♥︎ ♡

“Damn!” You sounded, as soon as he opened the doors to your vacation home. “You’ve really outdone yourself, Stark. This is beautiful.” You felt like you said those words in your one year relationship with Tony, more than you have in your entire life.

“Honestly baby, when are you gonna stop being so surprised.” Tony questioned as he tipped the driver, who also helped lug your bags up. He shut the doors and spun around on his feet to find you admiring the view in amazement. Taking slow strides across the room to meet you, he wrapped his hands around your waist, burying his face in the crook of your neck. Your dress slid up slightly as he pressed his front against your back. Traveling hands turned into curious ones as they smoothed themselves over the expanse of your thighs through your dress’ thin material.

You felt his hardening member poking your lower back. “Woah! Someone’s excited to meet me.” You chuckled, neck heating up.

“Try dying.” He responded, squeezing your upper waist before traveling down your stomach.

“Do you really wanna do this here?” You asked gasping, when you felt his feather light kisses on your neck develop into nips and licks.

He gripped your waist a little tighter before rasping, “I wanna do it in every room of this house, but yea we can start here.”

“Tony, quit it. We have so much to do!” You whined, dropping his hands, to skitter away, leaving him in that exact position. Heat burning in your loins, you ignored it to grab your bags from the door. You dragged your luggage to the master bedroom, as you ignored his stalk towards you. Tony, who was hot on your trail, threw himself down on the bed in front of you, laying in a silly, yet seductive, pose.

You playfully scoffed at his antics. Crossing the room back and forth, to place clothes in your wardrobe, you asked him,“So what’s on the agenda first? The aquarium, bike-riding, snorkeling? Ooo! Should we go hiking?”

He pondered for a moment, placing a finger to his chin to simulate deep-thinking. “Well actually, I was thinking maybe we could break the bed in first.” He suggested, a devilish grin plastered on his features.

You chucked a pair of rolled up summer pants at him, which landed on his face, dropping to expose his stoic expression. “No! You promised we would do some fun activities when we got here!”

“That is a fun activity. Why go bike riding out in the summer’s heat, when you could ride me right here while in the comfort of your own home?”

“Ugh! You promised!” You giggled, stomping a foot for dramatic purposes. “Besides, you’re the one who said, we should wait until our wedding night. It’s not even 10:00 am.”

“If you actually listened to me, I said, and I quote, ‘Let’s wait until we’re married.’” Tony clarified, sitting up to pull you between his legs, “And now we’re married.”

You gazed down at him with a stern look that read ‘I’m going to win this’. He gazed back, matching your features, as if to say the same. The both of you were trying to see who would break first. “I don’t have time for this.” You declared after a moment. Tony just sighed as a reply, dropping his head on the mattress.

You elected to ignore him, and went back to unpacking, but yelped when you came across something surprising. Tony, who was busy playing with a pair of your panties, didn’t notice what surprised you, but couldn’t help but notice your squeal.

“What’s wrong?” He questioned, trying to peek at whatever you were hiding under the shirt in your suitcase.

“Nothing.” You lied, in a sweet tone. He saw right through it though, and began to pry your fingers away. Revealing his findings, he was happy to see the plethora of toys in your suitcase. Nakia couldn’t fit all that she bought you, but what she did manage to slip in while you weren’t paying attention, was more than enough for Tony to work with.

“Woah, woah, woah! Look at what we have here.” Tony gleamed, marveling at a pair of furry black handcuffs. His face was as bright as the day he met you. You were blushing furiously, when he came across a small pink vibrator. “Y/N, you are such naughty girl.” He teased.

You immediately tried explaining yourself. “I didn’t put that stuff in there. Nakia must of snuck it in while I—”

“Thank you Nakia. I always knew I liked her more than all of your other friends.” Tony joked interrupting you. Then, his eyes lit up when they set upon a pair of interesting looking underwear. His shit-eating grin, turned into a wicked one as he thought about a clever idea.

“Here’s the deal.” He started

“No, to whatever it is, Stark.” You interrupted before he could propose a stream of bullshit.

“Come on. At least hear me out.”

“What is it?” You sighed, supposing you could humor him.

“If you wear these, I’ll go anywhere you want.” He pulled a pair of lacy black panties from the suitcase. They looked harmless enough, until you saw something bulky protruding from their seat.

“Are those, what I think they are?” You asked. Your friend was seriously a fiend.

“Yup.” Tony said, popping his lips as he said the word. A small smile, took over his lips, as he eyed you. He taunted you with those smug brown eyes.

You eyed him back, mouth agape, as you thought carefully. You knew he didn’t peg you for taking many risks, but you wanted to wipe that smug expression right off his face. “Anywhere I want?”

“Anywhere you want.” He mimicked in a promising tone.

“Fine.”

“Fine.” He mimicked again, in disbelief that you actually agreed, but he let his face convey that same smug expression. “Well princess, what are you waiting for?” He asked, dangling the pair of lace on his pointer finger for you to take.

You decided that if he was gonna play games, you’d at least try to play them better. “Put them on for me.”

It was then that Tony’s grin dropped. His eyes that already danced with lust, turned a darker shade of brown. “What?” He asked, voice a tinge huskier than before.

“Put. Them. On. For me.” You reiterated, speaking slower. Your smile was the smug one this time. You steadied yourself between his legs again, placing your hands firmly against his shoulders.

Tony placed his tongue between his cheek before his eyes formed into thin slits. Then his face went blank, save his eyes that still burned with passion.

Without taking the brown orbs away from yours, he took his time dragging his hands up your legs and to your thighs. He admired the supple skin beneath his touch, as they came dangerously close to your heat.

You were beginning to regret your teasing, when he dug his fingers in the elastic of your waistband, and tugged the flimsy material down. You stepped out of them, suddenly feeling bare as he tossed your underwear to the side. This, was the closest you had ever come to being naked in front of him. He then slipped the vibrating panties around your feet, brung them up your thighs, and stretched the material until it released with a snap that stung and burned your skin. The action made you whimper, and that brung a smile back to Tony’s otherwise unreadable face.

He then placed the black remote that controlled the panties into his front pocket. “You’re gonna regret teasing me like that.” He warned playfully. But you believed him.

♡ ♥︎ ♡ ♥︎ ♡

This is a fucking game to him, You thought as you sat down for drinks. Tony was playing with that damned remote everywhere you went. He pressed it when you guys went to the aquarium. He pressed it when you went sight-seeing. He pressed it while you were on your famous attraction tour. And now, he was currently pressing it while you suffered silently.

Everything, was cut short to less than forty minutes. Everything. But you figured that was his point. The faster you guys got this over with, the faster he could get you back home. Of course he didn’t want to ruin your honeymoon, but at the same time he knew you guys would be here for a week, which gave you plenty of time to complete everything on the itinerary. And if you didn’t have enough time, he could schedule to stay longer.

Besides, it was amusing to him, watching you squirm in your seat. Watching your eyes roll to the back of your head. He loved the sight of your hardening nipples, through the thin fabric of your dress. And though he was frustrated from your earlier teasing, and was doing this to get back at you, it quickly stopped being about that when he heard your pants and whimpers. Now he was doing it, solely to get you off. However, he hadn’t let you cum yet. He just wanted to bring you to edge, and see how far he could take you before you begged him to fuck you.

“Can we have two Mai Tai’s” You asked the waiter. Your voice went through at least two notes as you said it. Before you got there, you begged him to make the order, but he wouldn’t show you any mercy.

A worried look etched its way onto the younger man’s face. “Yes ma’am, but are you okay? Should I call a medic?”

“No!” You said a little louder than usual, hoping he couldn’t hear the low buzz of the vibrator. “Its just a slight tummy ache is all.” You lied, moaning a bit at the end. Your fists were clenched tightly above the table, as you tried to ignore what was going on beneath it.

“Okay.” The waiter replied, worry still on his features. He shuffled away to prepare your drinks, leaving you alone with Tony.

“Isn't this view just lovely?” Tony asked, watching the waves of the beach crash against sharp rocks and wet sand. You couldn’t help but feel like that ocean, as your dam threatened to snap for the fifth time that day.

When you didn’t reply, he increased the remote’s level, making you buck forward in your seat, just to lower the intensity back down again. “You okay, sweetheart?” Tony asked you sweetly. The look on his face read sincerity, and if you didn’t know any better you would of thought he was being genuine.

“Bite me, Stark.” You spat.

“If that’s what you want.” He whispered, hands slightly shaking from how turned on he was. “Whenever you want to go home, just say the word.”

You sat up straight, glowering at him. “Oh baby I’m fine. We can still go hiking if that’s what you were worried about.”

He exhaled a dark chortle, before bringing himself closer to you. “Y/N, we can always go hiking tomorrow.” He placed his warm hand at the top of the line on your back, trailing it down your spine. “Now why don’t you let me take you back home, so I can make us both feel better.” He was currently flicking the buttons of the controller, back and forth, so that you were on edge one second, then falling back down the next.

“Fuck you.” You bit through gritted teeth. Your face was contorted in pure ecstasy, and your thighs went back and forth between being glued together and wide open. You were usually such a good girl for him, but this teasing was bringing out a brat. Tony wasn’t having any of it.

“Okay.” Was all he said, before increasing the remote to its highest level, leaving it there to finish you off.

An embarrassingly loud wail escaped your throat, just as your waiter was heading back with your drinks. He just stared at you in shock, cheeks a brilliant shade of red, while your mouth just hung open. Tony, the cause of it all, nonchalantly played with the straps of your dress and pieces of stray hair, unfazed your embarrassment, nor the waiter’s.

You held your head down, took your drink to begin sipping, before you turned to him, shame and regret swallowing you. “I’m ready to go home now.”

♡ ♥︎ ♡ ♥︎ ♡

As soon as you two made it back to the house, you sprinted through the house, and flung yourself into the bedroom slamming its door shut. Tony took his time trudging in your direction, figuring you were still pissed at him.

He knocked his head against the door, and said “Little pig, little pig, let me come in.” In a deep sing-songy voice, before jiggling the now locked door.

You, who were indeed irked for what he pulled at the bar, yelled “Cut it out Tony. You said we could go hiking.”

“And we can…after you let me fuck you silly.”

“You know if we start that you won’t wanna stop.” You reminded him as you gathered your attire for the trek.

“You have a point” He muttered. It stayed silent for a moment after that.

Feeling as though he gave up, you began to undress before slipping into your hiking gear. As you unzipped your dress, you felt the panties begin to vibrate again.

Your mouth formed into an ‘o’ shape, as you took a seat atop of your bed to spread your legs. The area between your thighs was still tingly from earlier, so the feeling instantly sent you into overdrive. You were a whimpering mess in no time “Fuck, Tony please stop!” You begged.

“I wanna hear you cum.” He rasped through the door.

“I’m gonna take them off.” You warned, lying through your teeth. The pleasure felt too damn good.

“Let me take em off for you, princess.” His words, along with the vibrations against your clit brung you to tears. Now away from unwanted listening ears, you let your moans rip through you as you writhed against the bed.

“Fuck, baby this feels so good!” You whimpered, when he increased the intensity of the vibrations. Over your mewls, you heard the clinking of a belt unbuckling, shortly followed by the unmistakable sounds of his low, yet rough grunts.

“I bet I can make you feel better.” He growled. His voice was filled with frustration, desperation, and a man-eating lust that left you drenched in your own slick.

“Oh Tony, s-shit!” You cried, voice quivering with pleasure. You felt your stomach, tighten, and your coil threaten to snap. Your walls fluttered painfully around nothing, as your head fell back. It wasn’t long after that, before your juices drenched the comforter beneath you. It was silent on the other side of the door, and you assumed he came too. Only, you couldn’t hear him trying to catch his breath like you were. It’s like he never broke a sweat.

You got up slowly, knees a little weak from your second orgasm, to clean yourself up and continue changing. You made sure to rid yourself of those wretched panties while you were at it.

When you finally opened the door, you were met with an unfazed Tony leaning against its frame. He looked as if nothing happened, despite bringing you to shambles a mere three minutes prior. He directed his attention towards you when you emerged from the room. “Its about time you finished getting ready, I still haven’t changed, yet.” He informed you, winking as he slipped past you.

Fucking bastard.

♡ ♥︎ ♡ ♥︎ ♡

“You okay?” Tony asked, when he saw your legs give way a bit. Your previous activities still left you a bit sensitive, and as a result: unbalanced.

“I’m fine.” You assured him as you guys hiked towards the mountain range. The trail was actually within walking distance of your vacation home, so you didn’t need the car to journey through it.

“Are you sure, Y/N?” Tony questioned. His demeanor now was different from his previous one. He was so sweet when he wanted to be.

“Yes babe. Why do you ask?”

“You seem a bit clumsier than usual.”

“Well I get that way after, you know, sometimes.” You said shyly. You guys hadn’t talked about it yet.

He formed his lips to say an inaudible “oh”. “I’m sorry. I was being a horny dick earlier. Please be careful.” When he said the words, he made sure to trail behind you. If you were to fall, he felt he could catch you before any damage was done.

“I’m okay. And its okay.” You paused. “I forgive you, I can be a tease so its not entirely your fault. But thank you for doing this with me.” You smiled sweetly, looking over your shoulder.

“Of course, princess.” Tony smiled back, grinning from ear to ear.

You looked back up ahead, to continue your hike.

You guys stopped occasionally when you wanted to take pictures. Whether they were of the view, rare birds, the sea, or Tony, you clicked your camera trying to savor every single moment of the trip.

“Stop. Stop. Stop.” You said to him, halting in your tracks. “C’mere. This is the perfect spot to take a selfie together.” You came across a view through the trees that overlooked the sea. Mountains were up ahead too, and the sun hit your skin in just the right way. The whole thing just looked so aesthetically pleasing to you, you just couldn’t pass up the photo op.

When he neared you, you both positioned yourselves for the camera. Tony was only a few inches taller than you, but you still had to stand on your tippy toes to place your arm around his shoulder. In this case, you wanted to place bunny ears over his head. A combination of this, as well as holding the camera left you quite unbalanced. And as tight as Tony held onto your waist, it still wasn’t enough to keep you both from tumbling down the hill just after you heard the shutter of your camera.

♡ ♥︎ ♡ ♥︎ ♡

He practically kicked down the door of your house when he came upon it. You were draped around his back like a monkey as he jogged you through the living area.

“Tony put me down.” You begged.

“Christ Y/N, I told you to be careful.” He reprimanded, as he placed you on your feet, pushing you down on the couch. He ran to the nearest bathroom, ransacking the contents of the medicine cabinet for a first-aid kit.

When he found all of the necessary supplies, he came rushing back to tend to your wound. If you could even call it that. It was a small bloody scrape on your kneecap, and he acted as if it needed to be amputated if he didn’t treat it soon.

“Damn it! Is alcohol better, or should I use peroxide? Fuck it, soap and water it is.” He muttered to himself. His head was all over the place as he ran to go get a small bowl of warm soapy water, returning once it was retrieved. He wanted something that would both clean the cut, but also wouldn’t cause you any pain.

Getting down to his knees, he tended to the scrape. He took your leg, tenderly into his hands, before going to work.

“Tony, I’m fine.”

He ignored you, continuing his movements with the cotton-ball. You couldn’t help but admire him as he cleaned your knee. The look of dexterity in his face was astounding. It was the same look he’d get, when he worked on a new piece of tech.

You were beginning to feel guilty. Truthfully, Tony was the one who took the worst end of the fall. He had a cut on the bridge of his nose, and one on his cheek. You even saw his shirt was damp, and a small pool of red liquid was forming underneath. Yet he remained trained on you, determined to make sure you were okay.

“Tony, you’re hurt!”

“I’m fine.” He insured.

“But Tony.”

“Baby, I need to concentrate.” He had long stopped the bleeding on your knee, patched it up, and was currently searching for any other wounds. He placed a quick kiss on your bandage. “You okay?” He asked, finally meeting your eyes.

“Yes,—”

“Does anything else hurt?”

“No, but—”

“How many fingers am I holding up?”

“None. Can I—”

“Are you feeling any shortness of breath? Nausea? Weakness? Dizziness? Chest pain? Because those are all signs of internal bleeding—”

“No, Tony. Please stop. You’re the one who’s bleeding!” It was your turn to treat him, yet he kept rambling on and on about you. You took a cotton pad and got to work on his face. That was when he began sulking.

“This is my fault.”

“No its not.”

“Yes it is. I made you clumsy.”

You chuckled at how dead serious he was. “I have a scrape on my knee, that will be gone in like ten hours. Meanwhile you have a bloody face, and a possible gash on your stomach, and you’re upset about me falling?”

“I just don’t like when you get hurt.”

“I’m fine. I’ve been trying to tell you that.” When you were done with his face, you hunched over to his stomach to patch the scrape there as well. Tony, still placed between your knees, repeated your actions from earlier, this time admiring you. When you were done treating the cut on his stomach, you tried to pull back, but he caught your wrist, trapping you in his gaze.

You two stayed like that for a moment, before he captured your lips in his. Deepening the kiss, he lifted himself up onto the couch as he did so. He pushed you back so you lay against its length, stretched out completely as he hovered above you. Removing his sweaty t-shirt over his head, he threw it across the room before attacking your lips again.

He tugged at the drawstring on your shorts, while placing wet kisses along your neck. You laced your fingers in his hair, trying to guide him to where you wanted him, but you didn’t have to do much since he knew all of your spots.

His right hand pushed your shirt up to expose your bra, before his lips traveled down your skin to lay butterfly kisses in his wake. He pushed between your thighs, draping your legs around his waist. Your breaths were coming out in labored pants, as you realized this was the moment you’ve been waiting for.

As you were moving against him, you felt an unusual amount of liquid pool to your panties. Then, your eyes which were previously glued shut, snapped open. “Shit.” You shrieked, sitting up with a quickness. It all startled Tony so much, he rolled off of the couch.

“Fuck!” He yelped, when his head collided with the floor.

“No, no, no, no, no!” Was all you repeated as you scampered away.

“Ow?” Tony groaned rubbing his head, but when he sat up to question you, he only saw your ankles as you retreated into the bathroom.

When it slammed shut, he leapt up to his feet to see what the problem was. “Y/N, open up. We can talk about this.” He said, once he reached the doorway.

“No we cant. Please don’t be mad at me, I’m so sorry.”

“Oh sweetheart, I don’t want you to feel pressured. I’m the one who’s sorry. We can wait, okay? Just come out please.”

“No Tony. It’s not that, its something else.”

“What is it?” He was met with sobbing, as you began to weep. Trying to open the door, he thought you had hurt yourself, or that he had hurt you, and was now beginning to grow even more worried. “Baby open the door, please.”

“No! You’re gonna hate me.”

“I could never hate you. Please, just tell me what’s wrong!” Tony pleaded, banging on the door.

“I just started my period” You cried, breaking out into tears. You continued for a minute, until you realized he wasn’t making any noises. “Tony?”

“I’m still here, pumpkin.” He replied, trying to soothe you.

“Are you mad at me?” You shrieked.

“Nope. I’m just thinking.” He informed you.

“About what?”

“About how much my head hurts.” He chortled. “You could have just told me, without panicking so much.”

“But I—I ruined our wedding night.” You wailed.

He scoffed at how silly you were being. “No. You didn’t. Can you come out now? I think I’ve talked to doors enough today.”

“No. I deserve to drown in my tears.”

“Y/N. You’re being ridiculous. Come out.” He demanded once more.

“No! Just go away. I wanna be alone.” You whined. And so, he did.

♡ ♥︎ ♡ ♥︎ ♡

1 hour later

Lying in bed, wrapped up in your comforter like a burrito, you soaked the sheets with tears. You had fished out one of your emergency tampons from your purse to clean up, then grabbed a bottle of wine. You’d emerge from the covers every so often to take a sip, but then immediately plunge back under when you were done.

Tony was gone. That was bad. You knew you had told him to, but you didn’t expect him to actually listen. You weren’t being fair, but you still expected him to just read your mind like the genius he was. Like he usually did.

It was better this way. I deserve it. You thought. You thought he was pissed at you, as he should be. He had every right to be. No you couldn’t control your period coming earlier than usual, but you could have at least controlled your sour reaction. It was also your fault for constantly denying him. Yes, you wanted to take advantage of all of Kauai’s island fun, but you’d be lying if Nakia’s words didn’t ring in your head. You were nervous to give yourself to him for the first time, and that made you sort of relieved that you still had time to prepare.

You took another swig of your grown up juice, only to quickly scramble back to your cocoon when you heard the front door open and shut.

“Sweetheart.” You heard Tony faintly call from the other room. When he realized you weren’t in the place he left you, you heard his quick shuffle draw nearer. The closer he drew, the more you encapsulated yourself into the comforter. You told yourself you’d act like you were sleeping, in order to avoid facing him.

When he entered the room, he called your name again softly, as he took his stance by the side of the bed. He, despite your poor attempts, knew that you couldn’t be asleep in such a position: the heavy bedding would practically suffocate you.

“Y/N, get up. I brought you a few things.” He informed you. He was met by silence. When he nudged your side, you moaned and groaned like the undead. You heard the plastic of a bag rustle, as he poured its contents all over the bed. He untucked the cover from over your head, and got on the mattress beside you. Stroking your head lovingly, he said a “Hi”, as you reluctantly met his eyes. You peered at him through dewy lashes and puffy eyes.

He offered you a kind expression before beckoning you to “Sit up.” You did so, and that’s when you saw the arrangement of feminine hygiene products, candy, ice cream, chips and every other favorite snack of yours. But best of all, was the wine. You retreated back to your burrito, after bawling your face up with sadness. Tony heard your muffled cries through the comforter, as you sobbed out “No one’s ever bought me tampons before!”

“Well that’s sad.” He declared.

You ignored him, wailing “I don’t deserve you” as you let out the ugliest cries you’ve ever heard in your life.

“Yes you do.” He corrected you, further folding you in your blanket, before picking you up to haul you into the living room. As he threw you over his shoulder, you continued your drunken wails even as he placed you on the couch. He turned on Netflix to the show “friends”, it was something of a ritual to play it whenever you felt bad, and as soon as the theme came on, you started dry-heaving.

You shakily pulled out your unfinished bottle of wine drinking its remains, before grabbing the one Tony bought, as he glared at you like you grew another head. “And I thought I had an alcohol problem.”

“Shut-up, I’m sad.”

♡ ♥︎ ♡ ♥︎ ♡

Almost one week later.

As the end of your vacation approached, you had been all over the island of Kauai. You experienced all of the joys of a honeymoon, save the sex.

Every morning, your husband made you breakfast in bed, and made you feel like a princess. Just like from before when you guys dated, he’d bring you flowers with a notecard attached to them on your breakfast tray.

He really made you forget that you couldn’t have sex, but then he’d remind you the second after when he placed kisses on your shoulders. After breakfast, you guys would get ready for the day ahead. You always did something new. You went kayaking, zip-lining, snorkeling, and an array of other things that you dreaded the end of.

Couples massages were the absolute worst. Every time your period came around, you were a horny mess. So it didn’t help when Tony rubbed warm oil on your back, tenderly massaging it into the skin, while whispering all of the dirty things he was gonna do to you the minute he knew you were ready. His large warm hands would travel particularly low on your back, as he worked out your kinks, pressing kisses onto your spine every now and then.

You now shivered at that memory, as you gazed at the stage in front of you. Where you were currently, was a live dinner and show. It was your last night in Kauai, and Tony wanted to make it special by bringing you to a place you begged to go, even though he cringed at the idea. Different bands played live “island” music, while couples both danced and cheered from their seats.

You and Tony were sitting at a far off table, that was mostly away from prying eyes. He was actually enjoying it more than he thought he would. He would kill you if you told his friends that though. While he was enjoying the show, you were sitting still, gazing at him, more quiet the usual.

You were trying to debate with yourself, on how to tell him your period was over. While you were happy it was gone, butterflies overturned your stomach as you realized tonight might actually be the night. Nakia’s words, still haunted you, as they tended to, and you fought yourself for refusing her pointers.

“What’s wrong baby?” Tony asked you, pulling you out of your daze. “I thought you wanted to see this show.”

You tugged at your bottom lip with your teeth before saying “I did. Its just I wanted to thank you for working so hard in order to make me happy.”

“I’d do anything to make you happy.” He said, placing a hand over your knee, giving it a tight squeeze before pulling away, turning his attention back to the show. You caught his hand, however, before it could drop.

“I have something to tell you. Promise you won’t judge me.”

Tony quirked an eyebrow as he smirked, already ready for where this was going. “I promise.” he affirmed.

“Okay.” You said, taking in a deep breath. “I wanted to make sure before I told you this, but my period is off. But before you say anything, I just wanted to ask you this: if we decide to take things further tonight, could you please just take it slow with me?”

Tony’s smile faltered, before dropping completely. He thought you were going to say you wanted more fries. “Where is this coming from?” He questioned you, upset that he made you so worried and self-conscious.

You looked down, unable to meet his eyes. You truly felt pathetic as you confessed, “I just know that you probably expect things of me. And its been so long since I’ve done this, I wonder if I even know how to please you. I just want to be enough.”

Tony sighed, placing a finger on his temple frustratedly. “Aw baby I think you need a drink.” He stated, reaching for the bottle of tequila he ordered for the table. The plan for the night, was to get drunk, act stupid, and pass out wherever the liquid took you.

He began to pour you a shot to ease your nerves, before speaking again. “Let me be clear about something” he started, the liquid splashing against the glass cup, before he sat the bottle of liquor down on the table. “I don’t expect anything from you, but your permission. Just give yourself to me, and I’ll take care of the rest. And if you wanna wait, like I said before: sex isn’t everything. I’m happy with just you. But, just tell me when you’re ready” He ordered, gazing into your soul.

You were the first to break eye contact. You sprinkled salt on the side of your hand, licking up its contents soon after. Tony drank in your movements, pupils blown with lust. You washed down your salt with tequila, wincing at the slight burn. Your wince turned into a cringe when you placed a lime wedge between your lips, its juices spilling down your chin. Pouring yourself another shot, you slammed your cup down on the table before abruptly standing up. “Okay, i’m ready.” You proclaimed, practically a new woman with this newfound liquid courage.

Tony poured himself a shot, before standing too, capturing your waist as he pressed your back firmly against the edge of the table, before lifting you to sit upon it. He pushed open your knees with his legs, bringing himself between them. You looked at him with alarm mixed with confusion. “I didn’t mean here!” You exclaimed, causing him to chuckle.

He placed a lime wedge between your teeth. “Hold that for me sweetheart” he ordered, sitting you back just far enough to sprinkle salt along your collarbone without it falling. He licked a slow stripe along the skin, where the salt sat. Picking up his shot, he threw it back, before you felt his hot breath fan your lips. As they hovered there for a moment, he rescued the lime wedge from your lips.

Not satisfied with its taste, he dropped it over your shoulder, going for your lips instead. The kiss was feverish, as his sour yet sweet tongue probed your mouth. You threw one of your hands behind your back to hold your balance, while Tony let his hands run along the length of your body. He squeezed firmly upon reaching one of your breasts, placing his other hand between your thighs. You moaned at the action, lacing your fingers in his hair in your attempts at deepening the connection.

Tony let his lips trail down your neck, right back to your collarbone, where he tasted remnants of salt. His hand that was placed on your thigh, slid closer, and closer to your entrance, before he dared to hook his fingers between the fabric.

“Sir!” A man said from behind him, violently tapping his finger on Tony’s shoulder. “You can’t do that here.”

When you two looked over his shoulder, you realized it was the same waiter from before that you traumatized early on in your trip. He was definitely done with your shit.

You both let out a chuckle, before Tony turned to you, saying “Lets go home.”

♡ ♥︎ ♡ ♥︎ ♡

Stumbling into the house, Tony kicked the door shut before spinning you to press your back firmly against it. The two of you were desperate to show the other how much you wanted them, in one heated session. He entangled his tongue with yours, roughly making you eat his kisses. Like at the show, he broke the kiss to pepper more along your skin.

He started with your neck, sucking roughly, immediately causing purple and blue bruises to show in its wake. Then, he moved on to suck and lick at the exposed parts of your breasts. Finally, he fell to his knees bunching up your dress so it stay just above your waist, before ridding you of your panties. You tensed up as he performed the action, taking in a deep breath as he threw one of your legs over his shoulder locking it, and you in place, against the door.

Before he draped his arm over the leg that was on his shoulder, he gazed up at you, silently asking you of your permission before going any further. “Keep going, please.” You urged, and that was all the push he needed. He offered a small smile, before he attacked your entrance with his tongue.

He was usually one for foreplay, but you two had been playing that for a year now, so he wasted no time violating your nub.

You threw your head back against the door, not even bothered by the pain from the thud, as whimpers and mewls escaped your lips. You were far too focused on his slow but firm measures against your body. Tony’s arm around your leg, was in a position where he could hold you in place, and rub harsh circles around your nub at the same time.

He ran his tongue between your folds, licking up the sweet nectar you offered, while he used his other hand to let his fingers invade your insides.

Bucking and rocking against his face, the pleasure was so intense, you found yourself trying to pull away, but his strong arms held you steady. Your fingers found his hair, and you didn’t know whether you wanted to pull him closer to you, or tug him further away. He made the decision for you, burying his face deeper into your pussy.

He took the fingers he used to stretch you out and placed them at your lips, spreading them open, before replacing his thumb with his mouth, sucking harshly at your nub. Your juices dripped down his chin, as you desperately tried to hold on to something. In realization that you were slipping, Tony hooked your other leg over his shoulder, giving him more access to your opening. As you climbed further up the wall, he followed you, determined to keep you from escaping his relentless endeavors.

You were unable to form any other words besides, Tony, uttering the two syllables every other second. Moans erupted through your chest, tears streamed down your face, and your nails digged into the skin behind his neck, as you chased your orgasm. Working you through it, he licked up the trail of cum, that dripped from your cunt. He groaned against you as if you were the most delicious drink he had ever tasted.

Placing you gently down onto the ground, he chuckled when he had to catch you from falling. He swiped his thumb across his chin, before licking the remnant of your juices off the pad of the finger. He moaned at the taste, leaning in to transfer it to your lips.

He cupped the globes of your ass, as he stuck his tongue down your throat. “Taste that?” He asked between kisses.

“Yeah.” You half-whispered, trying to keep up with him.

“So fucking sweet.” He replied, in reference to your essence. He then hoisted you up so you could wrap your legs around him, before traveling through the house.

It was your turn to attack his neck as he carried you away to your room. Tony, now completely riled up stood you on your feet, as the two of you ripped away articles of each other’s clothing. He let the straps of your dress, fall as it pooled around your feet.

You were starting to feel self-conscious again, since this was the first time he had seen you so bare. While you were looking down in shame, Tony was ogling at your beauty. “Fuck.” He exclaimed. “How did I get so lucky. You’re an angel.” You smiled sheepishly at his comment, your confidence was slowly coming back. He gently pushed you, so that the back of your knees could collide with the mattress.

You climbed backwards, pushing yourself under the covers, the remaining bit of shyness making you cover yourself in shame.

Tony, eyes still remained on you, finished ridding himself of his clothes. When he was done, he lifted up the bottom of the comforter, climbing in at the foot of the bed. He made a few stops along the way, kissing at your legs, thighs, and stomach, before revealing himself from beneath the sheets. He smiled, when you giggled, placing a quick kiss to your mouth. That one turned into a deeper one, as he bit and tugged at your lips.

He placed himself at your entrance, still kissing your bare skin to ease your mind a bit. He was big, you knew that much, and it kind of made you nervous. Slowly moving forward, he pushed his tip in, teasing your opening, before stretching you completely.

You both groaned at the feeling. Him at your tight fit, and you at the feeling of him inside you completely. As he bottomed out, you released a gasp, which Tony cut off with a kiss. “Tell me when to move, princess.” He said between pecks.

You nodded your head after a moment, unable to form any words, signaling for him to move forward. Tony’s hips instinctively snapped forward at first, but then he slowed his movements on account of this being your first time with him.

Slow thrusts, turned into quick ones, as he pounded into you. Your cries and moans, and the sound of your wetness mixed with his thrusts, bounced off of the walls. You wrapped your legs around his waist, as he inserted himself in and out of you. His arms that were previously on either side of your face, collapsed as he let his lips attack the crook of your neck.

Your hands, that fisted the sheets, found his back, clawing at the flesh, as he let out growls from the sting and from the pleasure.

He picked up his pace, and the closer you got, the dirtier his words were. “Look at you taking my cock like a good girl.” He would whisper in your ear, as he drilled into you. When you would clench your walls around him, he would get nastier. “Oh you like that? You’re so fucking sexy. Are you gonna cum princess? Hmm?” He would question, cupping your jaw as he looked up to peer into your eyes.

You would just moan in response. Your body, and his, becoming drenched in sweat, tears, and who knows what other kind of liquids, as you two stuck together like glue. He became incoherent the wetter you got, and the more your walls fluttered against him, signaling your impending orgasm.

“F-fuck baby! I-i’m gonna cum!” You managed to choke out, your lower stomach spasming, as you writhed against him, placing a hand against his chest.

Tony said nothing as he slipped in and out of you, hand grasping the hand that was on his chest gripping your wrists, and placing them above your head. He didn’t have to say a word, because his face said it all. His brows were furrowed together, eyes glued shut, sweat soaking his forehead, and mouth hung open as he continued his motions in and out of you.

If he wasn’t going fast before, his pace was now brutal as he approached his orgasm too. Each stroke was a hit against your g-spot, and a graze against your clit, that had you speaking in tongues. Your eyes rolled to the back of your head, the closer you came to ecstasy. Your whimpers turned into screams, as your coil snapped. Your orgasm, was Tony’s breaking point, as your pussy had a death grip against his dick. His hips stuttered, and his cock twitched inside of you, as he let out the sexiest grunt you had ever heard, spilling his seed into you.

He released his grips on your wrists, surely leaving a mark in its wake. He laid his sweaty forehead against yours for a moment, trying to gather his composure. You, too, were gasping for the same air as him.

You both still hadn’t opened your eyes yet, vision too blurry from the stars you were seeing. This man made you experience the most intense orgasm of your life.

Capturing your lips once more, Tony left a lingering kiss on you. After that, he finally let his eyes open, you followed suit. He smiled and asked, “I can’t believe you were that amazing. And you had the nerve to be worried.”

You spared some of your breath, as you let a laugh. “I didn’t even do anything. I just laid there.” You told him.

“You can just look at me, and I’ll fall to pieces.” He admitted, which made you erupt into a fit of giggles.

Still in each other’s embrace, you two recalled the entirety of your relationship, down to this very trip. You recalled the very first moment you told each other your feelings. The moment he met your friends and you his. The time Okoye threatened to kill him for almost forgetting your favorite color. The time you tripped in your wedding dress. Even the time you fell down a hill a mere 5 days ago. And he would absolutely not, let you forget the moment you burst out crying because he bought you wine and tampons.

Laughing, and blushing over some of the silliest moments in your relationship, you promised that though it was bittersweet, you were your happiest when you were with him.

“Now, that we've warmed up,” Tony started, cheeky smile forming on his lips. “Are you ready to try out some of those new toys?”

A/N: You guys should like...tell me what you think :)

#tony stark smut #tony stark x reader #tony stark x black reader #marvel imagines #tony stark fluff

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revolutionary-demosthenes · 4 years

Text

So to start off, here are some mini-bios of people who I’ll be talking about! This is going to be a long post, but it will make it easier to understand my future posts if you don’t know some of these people. I’m covering: Alexander Hamilton, John Laurens, Francis Kinloch, Lois Manoël de Vègobre, Johannes Von Müller, Charles Victor de Bonstetten, Alleyne Fitzherbert 1st Baron, St. Helens, and Thomas Gray.

John Laurens: You might’ve heard of him if you listen to Hamilton. John Laurens was born in Charleston, South Carolina. His father was Henry Laurens, a prominent South Carolinian who co-owned the largest slave trading house in North America, “Austin and Laurens.” Yeah. He pretty much was a terrible father and a terrible person. He would later become president of the congressional congress. His mother was named Eleanor Laurens. Her death when John was 16 marked a significantly traumatic event in his life, however in general, John Laurens was very well acquainted with death. He was the fourth child born in his family, but he was the oldest by the time he was four years old, his older siblings all dying at young ages. One can only speculate how these early losses affected young John, or Jack, as his family called him.

John was most likely tutored at a young age. He grew up in very privileged circumstances certainly, as his father was one of the most well-known and rich South Carolinians of the time.

As John grew up, he became very studious and serious. His father viewed him as the most promising child of the Laurens children, and prayed he would not fall prey to gambling or women. At nearly thirteen, we find our first piece of evidence suggesting John Laurens might be gay. His father Henry Laurens writes, “Master Jack is too closely wedded to his studies to think about any of the Miss Nannies I would not have such a sound in his Ear for a Crown…” In other words, Henry Laurens noticed his son’s unusual lack of interest in girls. Of course, one could read it as a passing comment on how studious his son was, or just thankfulness that Henry’s ‘best’ son didn’t seem to be ‘tempted’ in any way, but this does still confirm that as a young teenager, (and some point out that this is the time when many boys go through puberty, and therefore discover their sexual interests,) John was NOT interested in ladies.

As John grew even older, his father decided the time was ripe for some education in Europe. Some speculation has occurred that right before John left for Europe he painted a collection known as Pope Brown Collection of South Carolina Natural History. It contains 32 paintings of natural organisms, including many types of birds and plants. This is not confirmed, but it is of interest to many that John Laurens was a very good artist, and probably quite interested in art. Many have heard of the (in)famous turtle drawings John did. In truth, though John did draw the soft-shelled turtle for naturalist Alexander Garden, he most likely did not have an uncommon affection for that particular animal.

So, John soon found himself on a boat to Europe with his younger brothers, Henry jr. and James, known as Jemmy. They eventually settled in Geneva, staying with a family friend.

But before we even get to Geneva, it is worth noting a passage from a letter by Henry Laurens. This was written while John was briefly enrolled in a school in London. While complaining about the many crimes and indulgences of the city, he mentions “…and every black and execrable Crime had gain’d in the City is equally astonishing and shocking.” Now this simply could be another thrown in crime in the long list that precedes this, but in those those days ‘black crime’ was sometimes a code for homosexuality. So was John exposed to homosexuality in London the way Hamilton was at Nevis? This could provide some context for his later relationship with Francis Kinloch.

In 1772, the Laurens boys arrived in Geneva. John studied a multitude of subjects, and polished up his French. While he fretted about finding his brothers proper schools, his Uncle James Laurens was concerned about a different aspect of his time. Geneva, which had been a theocracy at one point, was now very open to new, more secular ways of thinking. John assured his Uncle that he was not influenced by any of his teachers not being ‘classically’ Christian. But it may not be a coincidence that the place where John most likely had his first homosexual relationship was a place more open to new types of thinking and concepts, especially in terms of religion.

What exactly was this first relationship? To establish some context, we must return briefly to Charlestown, South Carolina. The Kinloch family lived there and did know the Laurens’s. The name ‘Kinloch’ appears in some of Henry Laurens’s papers, and apparently Francis Kinloch’s sister made John ruffles for his travels to Europe. But in 1774, as John was dutifully studying in Geneva, his father wrote to him “From a hint which Waag dropped at Bath tis expected by the freinds of the young Eatonian that he will find a freind in you at Genevé, tho none of ‘em have Said a word to me on the Subject.” This “freind” is in fact Francis Kinloch, so it may be that he and John had met before.

John and Francis became very good friends along with one of Laurens’s tutors, Luis de Manoel de Vegobre. There is little documentation of the Kinloch-Laurens relationship whilst the latter was in Geneva, but once they were separated many letters were exchanged, several quite romantic sounding. What is quite possibly the most passionate line Laurens ever wrote to a lover is contained at the end of a letter to Francis. “We may differ in our political sentiments my dear Kinloch but I shall always love you for the knowledge I have of your Heart.” Kinloch was a loyalist, influenced by his guardian Thomas Boone, while John Laurens was obviously a patriot and the two debated hotly via letters.

Another aspect that must be looked at when considering the Laurens-Kinloch relationship is the amount of trust in the relationship. The level of trust is apparent when we see John first express his abolitionist views in a letter to Kinloch, “I could talk much with you my Dear Friend upon this Subject,” says John, referring to slavery. “and I know your generous Soul would despise and sacrifice Interest to establish the Happiness of so large a Part of the inhabitants of our Soil_ if as some pretend, but I am persuaded more thro’ interest, than from Conviction, the Culture of the Ground with us cannot be carried on without African Slaves, Let us fly it as a hateful Country_ and say ubi Libertas ibi Patria…” Kinloch responded that he supported the ideas, but did not see how fellow Southerners would adopt them. This only illustrates more clearly that though there were serious conflicts, theirs was a loving and trusting relationship.

When John was forced to leave Geneva, (and he did want to stay… one wonders if Kinloch had something to do with this. It may have been other reasons, like that John felt freer from his father or enjoyed his rich social life.) he wrote a plaintive letter to Kinloch, telling him, “If my Letter is a little confused, dont be surprised at it, for I am quite like a creature in [a] new world…”

However, as if John hadn’t lost enough family in his mere nineteen years, his brother Jemmy lost his life that summer. The boy had apparently tried to jump to John’s window and had fractured his skull. John was with his brother through the horrible night. He wrote to his uncle James, “At some Intervals he had his Senses, so far as to be able to answer singe Questions, to beckon me, to form his Lips to kiss me, but for the most part he was delirious and frequently unable to articulate. Puking, Convulsions near very violent, and latterly so gentle as to be scarcely perceived, or deserve the Name, ensued, and Nature yielded.” It is notable that soon after this, John Laurens sent a letter to Francis Kinloch, whom he hadn’t corresponded with since late the year before, 1774. This again illustrates that though the relationship was not flawless or without conflict, Laurens trusted and confided in his friend/lover.

Now studying law at Middle Temple, John received an extremely upsetting letter from Francis Kinloch. Apparently Kinloch was ready to move on from their romance. He starts the letter with an almost deceptively affectionate opening, “Whatever may be your idea of my manner of thinking in political affairs, don’t let that hinder you from telling me yours, and I promise to be as free with you: we hold too fast by one anothers hearts, my dear Laurens, to be afraid of exposing our several opinions to each other.” But Kinloch signs the letter “be certain I shall never forget you.” Apparently John saw this as Kinloch being done with him, and as a result did something that would change his life forever.

One of Henry Laurens’s business partners, William Manning, was in London the same time as John, and apparently young Laurens came to call occasionally and enjoyed the company of Manning’s children. This is where he met Martha Manning. There is one piece of evidence to suggest that they were courting for a time, however all we know for sure is that Martha became pregnant around the time the last Kinloch letter reached John, and John Laurens was forced to marry the woman, certainly not because he loved her. “Pity has obliged me to marry.” John wrote to his uncle. It could be that if they were courting prior to the pregnancy, the relationship was one-sided, or was an attempt for John be seen as straight.

Though John was now married, he was yearning to leave his unhappy marriage and fight for America. An ardent patriot and abolitionist, he longed to go overseas and join the army. Henry Laurens tried his best to hinder his son’s want, but found that John was no longer a child he could bend to his will. So, John boarded a ship to America, not knowing, and possibly not caring, that he was leaving his wife behind.

Henry Laurens, being a very prominent Carolinian and future president of the Continental Congress, managed to get his son an excellent position as Aide-de-Camp to general George Washington, though John was not officially appointed the position until October 6th or 7th. He joined the staff in August 1777, and met Alexander Hamilton, a man who would change his life forever.

Alexander Hamilton:

In quite a contrast to John Laurens’s privileged, if morbid childhood, future Founding Father Alexander Hamilton was born out of wedlock on the tiny island of St Croix to Rachel Facuette and James Hamilton in either the year 1755 or 1757. (There is great debate over his birth year. Hamilton himself used 1757, but a large amount of evidence from his childhood points to 1755. For time’s sake, we will use 1755.) Hamilton adored books and writing, but was hindered in his intellectual dreams by the grim circumstances he was brought up in.

Hamilton had a single brother, James, also born out of wedlock. When Hamilton was 12 his mother died of smallpox, quite common at the time. Alexander was also sick, however he recovered, albeit he always had health problems most likely connected to the early brush with mortality.

Where Alexander grew up, blacks outnumbered whites by a ratio of nearly 8:1, so there was existential tension in the air, a constant fear of sugar plantation owners that the slaves would revolt. Indeed, the slave owners were so cruel to their slaves that things Hamilton witnessed as a child appear to have given him a permanent pessimism about human nature. In addition to the rich white landowners and enslaved blacks, there was a population of poor whites and criminals. St. Croix was a place where outcasts in society at the time were sent as well. This included people accused of sodomy (homosexuality). Ron Chernow writes in his biography of Alexander Hamilton, “Hamilton had certainly been exposed to homosexuality as a boy, since many ‘sodomites’ were transported to the Caribbean along with thieves, pickpockets, and others deemed undesirable.” This may explain why Hamilton seemed more at ease with his sexuality than Laurens, who grew up in a more strict, to say the least, household.

After his mother’s untimely death, Alexander and his brother lived with their cousin Peter Lytton. Unfortunately, very soon after the arrangement began, Peter took his own life, leaving the boys with practically no place to go.

Alexander managed to get a job clerking for a prominent businessman. It is no stretch to assume that this is where Hamilton began his economic studies. While Alexander managed to get a good job, his brother was stuck being a carpenter and competing with others for work. Ron Chernow points out that this is again an example of Hamilton’s superior intellect pulling him out of ditches.

When Alexander was seventeen, a horrible storm shook the island of St. Croix. Hamilton wrote a beautiful and moving account of the hurricane, and this led to people raising enough money for him to enroll in King’s College in New York City.

Louis Manoël de Vegobre:

A Swiss lawyer who met Francis Kinloch and John Laurens while in Geneva. His early life is pretty elusive, as he does not even have a wikipedia page. He was a math teacher, and John Laurens’s math tutor. John Laurens taught him English, and both Kinloch and Laurens seem to have taught Vegobre to love America, as he grew despairing when he heard about the challenges of the war in America. The book, Evolution of a Federalist: William Loughton Smith of Charleston (1758-1812) says of Vegobre, “When the first rumblings reached Europe, de Vegobre wrote Laurens: ‘Poor America!—you cannot believe how much me heart is moved on its account; you, and after you Kinloch have raised in my mind such a concern for your native country! I am as much affected for what happens to it, as if I were an American…. English friends, I will, I will see you in your country, before I die!’”

Vegobre was likely in a romantic relationship with Kinloch. He wrote to John Laurens in December 1774: “Let me tell you what are these pleasures whose you are the first cause. I began to understand speaken; I read Spectator, Clarissa, Milton and Shakespear, besides some philophical books. Never, never in my life I have been so well entertained as I am when I read Milton; and why? First, for Poet’s excellency, and secondly and chiefly because I read it with Kinloch. My beloved, my dearest friend is Kinloch; how happy am I, when I teach him some part of natural Philosophy, when I read with him both English and French Poets, when I talk with him about various matters plainly and heartily as with a friend! Let me say again: Kinloch is my beloved, my dearest friend.”

Charles Victor de Bonstetten (Karl Victor von Bonstetten in German):

A writer from Switzerland, he was educated partly in Geneva, where he would develop the liberal beliefs that alarmed his father enough to make him return to Bern, where Bonstetten was born. He introduced the people of the Ticino Valley to potatoes.

He appears to have had a romance with Johannes Von Müller and Thomas Gray (I will be posting about the Gray- Bonstetten relationship very soon)

Johannes Von Müller:

A historian who’s life goal was to compile a giant master history book on Switzerland. He was a teacher of Greek, and later appointed office by Napoleon himself. He wrote many history books, and traveled throughout Europe throughout his life.

Letter from Müller to Bonstetten: “Any mistakes I may make in the future will be your fault; that is only if you neglect your letter-writing – your friendship can never grow cold – might I let myself be surprised by a passion. Tell me why I love you more as time passes. You are now incessantly in me and around me. My dearest friend, how much better it is to think of you than to live with the others! How is it possible to desecrate a heart that is consecrated to you? I need you more than ever; over and above these immutable, laudable plans for a useful life and an immortal name I have forsworn everything that is considered to be pleasant and delightful – not only pleasure but love, not only revels, but good living, not only greed, but ambition. B. is everything to me, you make all my battles easy and all abstinence sweet. Thus you live in my mind and especially in my heart. You write to me often, but it does not seem enough to me; you often address only the historian, and do not embrace your friend often enough.”

Thomas Gray:

I stumbled upon this man while researching Bonstetten and Müller. I came upon the book My Dear Boy: Gay Love Letters Through the Centuries. I saw that one of the essays in the book was entitled Thomas Gray & Charles- Victor de Bonstetten. Intrigued, I clicked on the essay, and then from there I somehow managed to find the archive of a full biography of Gray. Thomas Gray was an English poet. He was/is pretty famous, but not super well-known, partially because he did not publish much in his lifetime. Thomas Gray’s childhood was marred with sadness. He had nearly a dozen siblings, but none except him lived past babyhood. He stayed with his mother once he had left his father, who was abusive. He was born in 1716 and died in 1771.

Francis Kinloch:

John Laurens’s first boyfriend. He was also born in Charleston (then Charles Town) and educated at Eton College. After this he went to Geneva, where he met John Laurens. He later hosted what I call Kinloch’s Gay Retreat, in which he had Johannes Von Müller, Charles Victor de Bonstetten, and Alleyne Fitzherbert, 1st Baron, St. Helens stay with him.

Alleyne Fitzherbert, 1st Baron, St. Helens:

I haven’t been able to find anything gay about him except he was apparently lord of the bedchamber for George III, and find words.info says this about lord of the bedchamber: “A Lord of the Bedchamber's duties consisted of assisting the King with his dressing, waiting on him when he ate in private, guarding access to him in his bedchamber and closet and providing companionship.” So… possible? Maybe, but King George III also had like 20 other Lords of the Bedchamber. Also fun fact: Mt. St. Helens is named after him!

Hope this was informative!

#Alleyne Fitzherbert #Francis Kinloch #John Laurens #Thomas Gray #Johannes Von Müller #Charles Victor de Bonstetten #Alexander Hamilton #This will kinda be the basis for most of what I post #Kinloch's Gay Retreat #King George III #queer history #1700s

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gcldveins · 4 years

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hello i’m back with another senior citizen and i am incredibly sorry .. i finished s3 of ozarks n couldn’t help myelf :/// but ANYWAYS this is gabriel taylor, laura’s shitty dad ! uwu

basics

✎⌠jason bateman. cis male. he/him⌡❝ — well, look who’s just arrived ! if it isn’t the one and only gabriel taylor. though, around here they’re known as the fortress. don’t tell ‘em i said this but the fifty-one year old lawyer kinda has a reputation of being cold and enigmatic. but y’know, they can be driven and astute too. typical capricorn. anyways, welcome home and stay safe gabe ! ❞

statistics

full name: gabriel jebediah taylor

nickname(s): gabe, sometimes

date of birth: january 7th, 1970

hometown: misty hollow, connecticut.

gender identity: cis gender

preferred pronouns: he/him

sexual orientation: heterosexual

hogwarts house: slytherin

aesthetic: crisp collars, silver tie pins, the smell of fresh laundry, hollow smiles, always a handshake, never a hug, leather briefcase always on hand, a glass of single malt scotch, perfect posture, the sound of waves softly lapping at the shore, thunderstorms with no rain.

distinguishable characteristics: always Clean

their song from the sigh no more album bc i love this album and it makes me Sad™ : dust bowl dance

background ( emotional, physical abuse tw )

born and raised in misty hollow, gabriel’s family has relatively deep roots within the town. the man comes from old money, with all the law firms he owns having been passed down from generation to generation. his father was a part of this business and his mother, on the other hand, is your typical southern belle, moved here from a small town in texas. she was a corporate lawyer ( it’s how she met gabriel’s father ) but since becoming a mother she really has had no interests in any other occupation other than trophy wife and socialite.

to say that gabriel’s parents were old school would be putting it lightly. basically, both of his parents were deeply religious republicans and were very aware of their image as a family. they were harsh parents, extremely controlling when it came to their children’s lives but at the same time were also really emotionally absent. to this day they still believe that it was all in the name of tough love but obviously it was just emotional abuse.

his father was especially hard on gabriel, he was a strong believer in physical discipline and thought gabriel to be too “soft”. he was always berating him, punishing him for petty offences, and pretty much just fostering your typical environment of toxic masculinity. though he never laid a hand on gabriel’s sister as she was what he called, “a lady” and his “pride and joy.”

but gabriel was a good kid, he was obedient aside from stupid mistakes that kids are bound to make. he was your typical golden boy, a jack of all trades of sorts. not exceptionally good at one thing, but averagely good at a multitude of things. he was a quick learner and dedicated, anything he took a crack at, he eventually excelled in. but all those opportunities he was given as a child; being able to practice multiple instruments, getting extra coaching and tutoring in activities of his choice — definitely gave gabriel a leg up among his peers.

throughout high school, he mostly kept to himself, choosing to focus on his education and after graduating, he went to harvard where he earned a dual degree in business and law and carried on through with law school. the plan was to move to boston where the business’ main office was and work for his father, making his way up until he was ready to inherit it all himself.

ok this is where things get shoddy cause everything from above is part of an old intro so if this doesn’t make sense dont look at me ndfjsndjk but i imagine this is where gabe met his future wife ? i don’t want to set anything in stone for when that role gets picked up but ! gabe’s always been .. well-meaning, for a lack of a better word. like in the beginning he initially wanted to go into criminal law and become a prosecutor before his dad pressured him into staying in corporate. these good intentions were really able to develop during his time away from home, i think. he was able to develop his own opinions and views, different from his parents.

but gabriel’s always lived to serve and aims to please, giving himself to others until there’s nothing left. and he still has this really messed up view of his relationship with his parents, especially his dad. it’s just something he’s never been able to shake. out loud, he would never utter a word against them and in his head, he’s justified his father’s actions, forcing himself to think of it in a way that made it okay because putting his actions under any other sort of light would have felt like he was betraying him.

and while he didn’t have the same dreams and ideologies as his father, gabriel felt as if there was really no choice other than to adapt. it’s what’s been expected of him since he was born. so, he poured himself into his work despite hating every minute of it, his pride preventing him to be the one to drive generations of hard work into the ground. and gabriel was good at it, like really good. and he let himself believe he loved what he did, associating the feelings of success with enjoyment.

and in regards to his own family, i think that things in the beginning were good and almost picturesque, y’know? like the vision of a white-picket-fence type of family. but as the years went on, the more time he spent working with his father and the family business, he subconsciously allowed his father’s habits and tendencies into his own head. He succumbed to his parents’ influences and allowed their ideas of success and vision for his and his family’s future to become his own.

and i think one day gabriel looked in the mirror and straight up did not like what he saw. he’s fully aware of the mistakes he’s made in the past and he feels the heft of those mistakes everyday, but what is he supposed to do now ? it’s too late, he’s too far in. and so gabe did what he does best, he compartmentalized and began distancing himself from the family. spending more time at the office than at home because the farther you are away from people, the less likely you are to hurt them right ?

personality

i’m gonna keep this loose cause i’ve noticed i tend to diverge from them a bit when i actually start playing my muses !

but gabriel is the fakest mf you’ll ever meet. all smiles and formalities, he’s like a goddamn politician i hate it. but i think if he were ever to let this decades long charade fall, everything just falls apart for him, y’know? his emotional sitch is like a house of cards, everything being perfectly curated and placed

he’s incredibly loyal to his family, he’d do anything to protect his family. and like sure, he loves them more than anything, but i think this loyalty comes more so out of duty than love, y’know ?

smart as a whip, always calculating and very cunning. the dude’s a shark in the courtroom and has he done morally questionable things to win a case? probably

idk i think... gabriel as a whole is a moral grey area. i rlly do love him and this version of him is always fun to play but we ! shall see !

#misty.intro #this is long n sad im srry i jsut have a lot of feelings abt my shitty son #:pensive:

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idolizerp · 5 years

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LOADING INFORMATION ON INDIGO’S MAIN DANCE, LEAD VOCAL, RAP MOON JIHUN…

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: N/A CURRENT AGE: 26 DEBUT AGE: 21 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 18 COMPANY: MSG ETC: this member is known for their involvement in musicals

IDOL IMAGE

The steadfast, reliable one.

That’s what he is, that’s what he needs to be, or so he’s told.

Not the one who ever truly stands out, only ever when he’s given the time to take center stage as a dancer, but a jack of all trades who blends smoothly into anything that’s thrown at him. Dancing is what he does best, and he clears the stage every time he’s on there, so much so that there’s articles written about how he comes alive, and there’s comment chains about his so-called duality, on stage vs off stage, the artist vs the person, as if they truly knew either at all.

Where his bandmates are electric and mysterious, where they’re magnetic and bring people in, his job is to keep them there, to be the anchor. He’s approachable, perhaps a little too much, and the company pushes his open and earnest relationship to fans, because they need it. The company tells him to be the best friend, the big brother, never the favorite but good enough to make people feel comfortable. The meek shall inherit the earth, as they say.

It’s a polished and just-flawed-enough version of who he’s always wanted to become, once, before the mirror cracked and the smoke vanished. Smile for the camera, be that boy, strong, unwavering, always there for others, sometimes not quite there himself.

He pursues musicals, gets the OK from the company after much insistence, after convincing them that it’ll allow him to show versatility, that that’s the thing they want for the group right now. Selfishly, he wants it for himself first, to show that he can take on that challenge and see it through. The company agrees, if only because they need it, a way to show and confirm, after re:group, that their idols can truly adapt and thrive no matter what’s thrown at them. It’s publicity, at least, but then it’s up to him to make it good.

There’s a sort of vindication in it, although he’s always been told to avoid being too prideful, but sometimes he can’t help it. No hurt in telling yourself you’re doing well, after all, that your best is enough for once.

IDOL HISTORY

corner of the sky.

“Special”.

“Gifted”.

“Prodigal”.

Words that mean too much, until they dont mean anything at all.

When Moon Jihun is seven years old, his parents sign him up for the school talent show, at his express request. He had seen this performance on TV, of an artist whose name he can’t remember and that his seven-year-old grasp on language would probably jumble anyway, but it shakes something up in him like nothing has before. It plants a seed in his young mind that’s only begging to grow, so he bats his lashes as his mother, and she writes his name down because of course, anything for her little prince. Before he knows it he gets a taste of it, the costumes and the light and the dramatics, but most importantly he hears his own voice, feels his body moving, and he loves how it makes him feel.

Passion feels like all he needs and he cultivates it, for all the years afterward, and it’s only the beginning of the road. It’s also the foundation of a home, for Jihun, and back then it’s whole and beautiful and precious, not in ruins quite yet. He’s his parents’ and grandparents’ treasure, the pride of Seogwipo, center stage in flashing light. The family’s crown jewel who can do nothing wrong in their eyes.

Jihun, you’re so much more advanced than all the other kids!

You know, our Jihun practices a lot at home.

I think it shows, he’s so talented!

He works hard at performing because he loves it, but he can’t deny that being told he’s good, being told he’s special, is more fuel to his fire. It must mean he’s doing something right, and it must be true, they have no reason to lie to him after all, they’re only here to encourage and lift him up. Honesty is the best policy, always, that’s what he believes and what he holds on to. So whenever his father grips him by the shoulders and tells him he’s special, he believes it. Whenever his grandmother hangs another picture on the wall, he feels his heart filling with pride. Every time he sees them sitting in a row, all eyes on him, it’s only more motivation to chase this dream.

He’s special, after all.

Fresh out of middle school, he moves to the big city, Seoul, center of the known universe. And, or so he thinks, fulfills his destiny.

The performing arts school building towers over him the first day, so many promises rising up to the sky, all the hope he’d shouldered from all his years practicing finally about to fully realize themselves into something concrete, something for the future.

The future, as it turns out, is a paper plane that burns at the slightest change of direction.

Outside of his bubble, away from his family, Jihun crashes in a way he’s never experienced before. Where’s that special kid, where’s the prodigal son, in the middle of all the other students who are stronger and better in every way? Where’s the gift gone, when he’s struggling to catch up, much less keep up, when he loses his breath and comes tumbling to the floor, lungs on fire, sweat trickling down his back, the unpleasant physical manifestation of failure.

That’s a new word, failure. It stains his tongue like the bitter taste of tobacco, the cigarettes he starts sneaking in between classes, hunched over, curled up on himself against the back wall of the building, shame and disgust and failure, failure, failure.

His parents’ praise echoes in his mind and he tries to crumple it up and throw it away, because it’s not enough. It was never enough and he can’t do anything with it now, not when he feels himself falling behind, slipping away, his dreams so far out of reach he should probably just let them go.

But letting go is not an option, of course. The only thing stronger than his shame is his stubbornness. If he’s just average, the only way is up. If he only has his determination to show for himself, then at least he’s got something. Everyone has to start somewhere, right?

Know where you stand. Stand your ground. Throw yourself into practice.

He takes everything in stride. Classes, projects, late night training, throw five or six desperate kids in a room and call it a learning experience. Sneak into the school’s studio when no one is looking, stumble upon a classmate, keep each other’s secrets and keep each other afloat. There’s more vindication in knowing he’s trying than in being told he doesn’t have to. Maybe it’s too much sometimes, but there’s this growing, urgent need in Jihun’s gut to just prove that he can, so he keeps going, cultivates his work ethic far away from false promises and little white lies.

waving through a window.

He’s eighteen, waiting at the bus stop when it happens, a man in a cheap suit handing him a business card, the three letters MSG feeling like a punch in the throat. He knows them, of course, anyone with an interest in the industry does. The fine print in is the man’s words, though.

“You’ve got a face that’ll sell.”

It’s a start, maybe. It’s ok if he can capitalize off of that, show what he truly wants to. It’s a chance he can’t afford to pass up. Even if he doesn’t like to think of it that way, everything is a means to an end.

Trainee life is, for all he’s anticipated, just a leveled-up version of school. He gets the call back a week after his audition. The almost soulless voice on the other hand claims they saw something in him, and it’s been a while since he’s heard those words so Jihun takes them with caution, files them in a corner of his mind that’s still marked with a red flag.

He still shows up on the company’s doorstep with his suitcase and his aching heart.

The cycle starts again. Push yourself to the limit, say yes, thank you, I’ll do my best, I’ll work harder, and then do just that. It’s all you’ve got a claim to, after all. In that room he’s just like he was before, keeps himself afloat among the others, and eventually, he finds his footing. He can breathe a little easier, sleep a little sounder, even if he doesn’t get to do either of those things much. Little by little, finally, he makes himself known. Remarkable if only for how diligent he is, people also commend his hunger to prove himself. The downside, that he tries not to let become his downfall, is his tendency to bite off more than he can chew, leaving projects unfinished or unpolished just because he wants to move on to the next one, to do everything at once, to show his worth. Run through a dance cover, move on to some barely formed choreography, or two, sometimes both at the same time because he needs to keep his mind occupied and alert.

His body feels like it’s being taken apart every day, from the hazy dance practices that blend into each other, always longer and more grueling and the next, but he loves it, this feeling, when the world spins and he’s taken along in the movement. It’s all he ever wants to do. It’s all he feels that he knows.

“You just don’t stand out.”

It’s that sentence, that he seems to hear over and over, that makes his blood boil and sets his heart on fire. “If they’re not looking my way, I’ll make them.”

And he does.

If he’s always heard that debuting is the hardest part, he’d wager that following up is harder. It doesn’t feel difficult or painful when he stands on that stage for the first time, finally, a day that he’d begun to think would never come. It feels freeing. It feels like the sky has opened up and all the atmospheric pressure has been lifted, and rain is clearing yesterday’s pain to make way for tomorrow’s joy.

Tomorrow’s joy, he learns the hard way, only comes to the fortunate. They’re not among them. Months pass and comebacks happen and everything remains the same, leaving sweat stains and tear tracks everywhere they go, trying to make sense of a situation that never does. It’s not hard work that makes dreams come true, it’s luck, pure dumb luck, and theirs ran out so quickly that Jihun keeps wondering if there’s something they’re doing wrong.

Still they keep on going, stuck somewhere between determination and desperation, a single red thread that threatens to snap at any moment. It’s burned into Jihun’s skin, this lifeline, the promise of a better tomorrow that never seems to come; low sales, low views, low interest, low morale, but still this hunger, unsatisfied yet, and maybe it never will be.

soul of a man.

Re:group is grueling, worse than he’d imagined, worse than he’s been through.

Against the odds, he hears those words again. One by one as the guys walk in, this one is special, this one is gifted, this one is prodigal, and yet they’re all here, but to him they don’t seem to realize the reason why.

He gets the devil’s part, grits his teeth when he watches the episodes and sees what they’ve made of him, but he makes do with it. After all, this world will only ever let you be who they’ve already decided you are, and in a situation like this one, it’s pointless to fight against it. If you know who you are then it’s enough, and Jihun does, finally. So he works, and he works, because that’s all he knows, and he refuses to let anyone hold that against him at least. If the producers decide he’s the bad guy, too relentless and demanding and straightforward, then so be it. Through it all, he fights like a lion who refuses to die in the cage.

Too often his outspokenness is mistaken for humor, and the things he says that pertain to the hardships of the industry are brushed to the side or not taken seriously. The industry is cruel, this much he knows, but even in the role he’s been given, even as the MCs and the managers try to silence him, he knows he can hold on to what he believes. Sure he has to compromise, and it eats him alive on most days, how often he’s asked or downright forced to set his conscience aside. The fans notice, a little, but it’s only small things they can get attached to. For now it’s probably enough, not that he’d be allowed anything more.

At the conclusion of it all, under stage lights and scrutiny, as he’s been doing all his life, he waits for his name to be called. But the call never comes. It’s okay. It’s enough. he did his best, and they’ll never take that away from him.

The gate opens to a brave new world instead.

one day more.

Fortune is a funny thing, really.

One day it seems like it’s all but abandoned them, thrown them to the side of the road to fend for themselves and eventually be picked on by vultures, a disgraceful end for a disgraceful life.

The next day, like some trickster god was in a benevolent mood and spun the wheel again, they wake up in a world where people have finally taken notice, where they’re not an afterthought anymore.

The first group schedule after the show, Jihun can barely see through the crowd and the flashing lights. It’s a new feeling and he thinks he could get used to it, even if the little voice in the back of his head warns him that this too shall pass if they’re not careful.

Take the second chance and run with it, because they don’t come easy, because it could be the last. Take the love, the admiration, the trophies, cherish them, because they could slip away at any moment.. Put in your demands now, because they can’t refuse you anything anymore. Now Jihun understands what it’s like to be the breadwinner, the move maker, the one that the light is finally shining on.

In the wake of their newfound success, Jihun gets cast in his first real musical, so far from the cardboard and the watercolor of the school talent show. It’s a never-ending thrill ride, a rush of adrenaline like he’s never known before, one that he hopes he never gets used to. He’s clawed his way up here and he’ll fight to stay, even when the industry is as unforgiving as its ever been.

When the cameras are off, as always, his strong moral compass is both his lifeline and his downfall. Even when it starts working in his favor, he still disapproves of many aspects of the idol industry, silently protests against the personal restrictions, refuses to settle for “this is how it’s always been done.” His intentions to voice that dislike are often shut down by his company to maintain the image they gave him, one that is a little too off to who he truly is for him to stay quiet for long. Maybe one day the industry will change enough that it will never have to be this way again, for him or anyone who shares his way of thinking. For now, if he can keep his balance despite all of it, if he can stay true no matter what, then he’ll have already won.

It takes a lot to break a man’s spirit. Even more when he’s already been patched up, and is held together with renewed hope; and the knowledge that if he holds on to his unwavering belief in what’s right, and keeps on his path as he has, then he’ll find a way out into the light in the end.

#id.bio #id.msg #id.indigo #id.kim taeho

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ofsahars · 5 years

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╰☆╮ ARIANA GRANDE ─ SAHAR ARIA-DIAMANTE SANTINI identifies as CIS FEMALE and uses SHE/HER pronouns. they’re a CEO OF A RESEARCH + PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANY / SINGER and they’re only TWENTY-TWO ! they’re said to be AFFABLE, but also OVER-DRAMATIC. i guess that’s why they’re known as THE PARK AVENUE PRINCESS in the tabloids.

born in miami, florida to a teen mom that had no business having a child. she was put up for adoption straight from birth, and has no idea who her biological parents are. she’s never tried to track them down because of the whole ‘you didn’t want me, so why would i fuck with u now that i’m rich ??’ mentality.

she was quickly adopted by a pair of wealthy entrepreneurs in manhattan, new york. she doesn’t remember anything before that. they’ve always just been her parents. even if they weren’t biologically related, she adored them more than anything in the world. they were fabulous parents, and they encouraged her to shoot for the stars and she did.

she grew up knowing she was adopted, and all of her classmates knew it too. she was bullied a lot for being adopted, and at first it made her feel really bad and small, but then she hit em with the “my parents chose me. your parents are stuck with you.” and it shut them up real quick.

this would become a pattern in her life ?? people would walk all over her, and she’d just let it happen until she erupted and put them back in her place.

she wanted to continue to prove that she was better than everybody else, and so she worked her ass off in school. she had natural intelligence, and added with all the time she spent with her nose in a book, she graduated as valedictorian of her class, and went on to harvard to double-major and get two degrees of science in biology and microbiology. she’s basically elle woods but with science and we love that for her !!

she started up her own research company to find a new way to attack the hiv virus. helping people is something she’s??? very very very passionate about because she knows how it feels to be helpless and small, and the best way she can do that with her degrees is to make healthcare more affordable and available for those who need it ? so she also started up her own pharmaceutical company to make sure that whatever breakthroughs she made would be completely owned / licensed by her.

for someone so smart and determined, she’s very very very fickle. she gets bored when things get stagnant. she needs something constantly shaking up her life or she’ll just mope around in bed all day. absolutely lives for gossip and drama. and she’ll admit when she’s in the wrong or when she’s being a drama queen, but that’s not gonna stop her from doing it??

this boredom is what caused her to put the santini foundation on the back-burner for a while, and focus on making music. she originally started this as a way to be petty with someone she liked, but then realized that it was actually really fun and she seemed to have a natural talent for it. she’s a jack of all trades - anything she sets her mind to, she does.

but now, she’s put the music on pause again, and talks of her touring are up in the air, and she’s focusing back in on her real passion: helping others. she’s started up research again more diligently, and is more excited than ever to be working in the lab again!!

more personality-based stuff:

she’s not a ditz. far from it. she’s lively and fun and upbeat and wants everybody to be happy, but she’s very intelligent, and very posh.

just because she’s smart and works in a lab don’t mean she’s uptight and professional with her fashion tho... sahar loves anything pink and i swear she’s said “whoever thinks orange is the new pink is seriously disturbed” at least once in her lifetime and meant it. she loves to express her creativity through clothing, so catch her wearing the most outlandish, most oversized outfits just because SHE CAN

she’s very friendly. she wants the best for everyone. she’s everyone’s hype man??? u can say u got a new shirt and she’ll be like !!! wig bitch !!!! werk mama

she has a tendency to let people walk all over her because she wants to help as much as she can but ??? she’ll eventually grow tired of it and she’ll explode on you

speaking of getting bored easily... she’s still a serial cheater y’all .... hide ur spouses ... dHSADSH

i just feel like i got lost in the sauce with making her release music and while garden of eden and lost your chance are both iconic eps JDdajosa... she needs to get back to her roots of being a smart girl who wants to help people because that’s who she truly is inside

#ooc

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patriotsnet · 3 years

Text

Why Do Republicans Stick With Trump

New Post has been published on https://www.patriotsnet.com/why-do-republicans-stick-with-trump/

Why Do Republicans Stick With Trump

Trump Slams ‘wayward’ Republicans For Capitol Riot Vote

Why Do Republicans Continue to Stick Up for Trump?

US Capitol riots

Former US president Donald Trump blasted “wayward Republicans” after lawmakers made a rare bipartisan push to investigate the Capitol riot.

With the support of 35 Republicans, the Democratic-controlled House of Representatives voted 252-175 to look into the events of 6 January.

Party leaders had urged Republicans to oppose the bill, with Mr Trump labelling it a “Democrat trap”.

The bill appears to lack the Republican support it needs to pass in the Senate.

It seeks to create an independent inquiry modelled on the commission that investigated the 9/11 attacks on New York and Washington.

The legislation establishes a 10-member body, evenly split between the two main parties, that would make recommendations by the end of the year on how to prevent any repeat of the Capitol invasion.

Trump supporters stormed Congress on 6 January in a failed bid to thwart certification of President Joe Biden’s victory in November’s election.

Wednesday’s vote was seen as a loyalty test to the former president for members of his party.

All 10 of the House Republicans who voted to impeach Trump in the days after the Capitol riot for incitement of insurrection were among the 35 who voted for the commission.

In a statement after the vote, Mr Trump hit out at the “wayward” Republican group, saying, “they just can’t help themselves”.

“Sometimes there are consequences to being ineffective and weak,” Mr Trump added.

Why Its Become More Difficult To Break With The National Party

Many members of Congress used to have local reputations independent of their parties, presenting themselves as fighters for local interests and dollars in Washington. Even if most voters hated Congress, they still liked their own representatives and senators.

But the long-term trends are nationalization and polarization . Voters learn less about their own legislators and more about the president, in part due to decreasing reliance on local news. As a result, fewer voters split their tickets, voting for one partys candidate for president and the others for Senate or the House.

Democrats have faced the same problem in trying to distinguish themselves from their party. Voters recognized the independent streak of West Virginias Joe Manchin and Montanas Jon Tester in the 2018 midterms, but Missouris Claire McCaskill, North Dakotas Heidi Heitkamp and Indianas Joe Donnelly werent able to overcome the Republican lean of their states. Manchin went so far as to appear in ads showing him shooting at policies he disliked and proclaiming for me, its all about West Virginia. He won a state that Hillary Clinton lost by more than 42 points.

More members are running scared in the primaries, political scientist Sarah Treul told me. Even if theyre actually not having quality challengers emerging, theyre afraid of it happening. And I think a lot of them are spending time trying to figure out how can ward off one of those challengers from even coming to the table.

Trumpism Without Trump Could Be Tough To Pull Off

No one knows yet what role Trump will play in future Republican politics. His recent attack on McConnell suggests he at least wants to continue to punish Republicans he sees as disloyal. The possibility Trump could run again will make politics awkward for Republicans eager to claim his mantle for their own presidential ambitions.

The prospect of Trumpism without Trump has enticed conservatives and worried liberals ever since the Trump phenomenon began. Republicans have learned to rail against globalism and the deep state. They are unlikely to return to comprehensive immigration reform any time soon.

Trump has breathed new life into old conservative staples such as law and order and the perils of socialism. But Trumps relationship with his supporters goes far beyond his political positions, or even the grievances and emotions he harnessed.

Trumps appeal was based on the perception that he had unique gifts that no politician ever had. He cultivated a media image that made him synonymous, however incorrectly, with business success. His tireless verbal output, whether through Twitter or at endless rallies, created an alternative reality for his followers. Many saw him as chosen by God.

That kind of charismatic magic will be extremely difficult for any career politician to recapture. Republicans may discover that Trumpism is not a political movement but a business model, a model only ever designed for one benefactor.

Also Check: Republican Vs Democrat Indictments

Trump Sends A Message To Senate Republicans Ahead Of His Trial

The ex-president could seek vengeance on GOP senators if they break with him on impeachment and vote to convict.

01/25/2021 09:14 PM EST

Link Copied

A top political aide to former President Donald Trump spent the weekend quietly reassuring Republican senators that the former president has no plans to start a third party and instead will keep his imprint on the GOP.

The message from Brian Jack, Trumps former political director at the White House, is the latest sign that Republicans considering an impeachment conviction will do so knowing that Trump may come after them in upcoming primaries if they vote to convict him for incitement of insurrection.

Jack did not mention impeachment in his calls. But he wanted the word to get around that Trump is still a Republican and for many, still the leader of his party.

The president wanted me to know, as well as a handful of others, that the president is a Republican, he is not starting a third party and that anything he would do politically in the future would be as a Republican, recounted Sen. Kevin Cramer . The Republican Party is still overwhelmingly supportive of this president.

On Monday evening, Trumps second impeachment trial began unfolding and Republicans started deliberating in earnest over how, or even whether, to defend the president.

By KYLE CHENEY and JOSH GERSTEIN

No, I dont, said Braun.

By BETSY WOODRUFF SWAN

But she added that something more vivid is on many senators minds.

Can Trumpism Become A Winning Strategy Again

For years, but especially since Mr. Bidens victory, the transformation of the Republican Party into what Ms. Cheney called an anti-democratic Trump cult of personality has fueled predictions of its imminentcollapse. But there are more than a few reasons to think Trumpism could once again carry the party to victory and remain in power for a long time.

A realignment in the electorate: Even as the G.O.P.s politics of racial grievance became more overt under Mr. Trump it was birtherism that catapulted his political career, as the Times columnist Jamelle Bouie reminded readers in January the American electorate has become less polarized around racial lines. At the same time, it has become more polarized by educational attainment. According to David Shor, the head of data science at OpenLabs, support for Democrats increased from 2016 by seven percentage points among white college graduates in the 2020 election but fell by one to two points among African-Americans, roughly five points among Asian-Americans and by eight to nine points among Hispanic Americans.

Do you have a point of view we missed? Email us at . Please note your name, age and location in your response, which may be included in the next newsletter.

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Why Did Black Voters Flee The Republican Party In The 1960s

That strategy proved crucial for Nixon. He carried South Carolina , plus Florida, North Carolina, Virginia, Tennessee and Kentucky. It turned out to be enough, even though five other Southern states’ electoral votes went to George Wallace, the segregationist former governor of Alabama who ran that year as the nominee of the American Independent Party.

Nixon worried about another Wallace bid costing him Southern states again in 1972, and he worked hard to maneuver Wallace in another direction. In the end, Wallace sought the Democratic nomination for president in 1972 . Nixon swept the South that year en route to winning 49 states overall.

The wilderness after Watergate

After such a resounding reelection, it seemed unimaginable that Nixon or his party could be in political trouble so soon after his second inauguration. But a 1972 burglary at the headquarters of the Democratic National Committee , was traced to Nixon’s campaign. His efforts to cover up that connection were then exposed, leading to impeachment proceedings. When audio tapes of his conspiratorial meetings with aides were made public, he resigned and was pardoned by his successor, Gerald Ford.

Republicans once again found themselves in the wilderness. Midterm elections arrived right after the resignation and pardon. Republicans nationwide paid the price, with the party losing seats in Congress it had held for generations.

Another Southern-bred comeback

Why Republicans Stick With Trump

188 Comments By Bobby Jindal

Bobby Jindal The Wall Street Journal

Biography

With each new controversy, Donald Trumps opponents plead with Republicans to denounce him. Hasnt Mr. Trump broken from GOP orthodoxy on free trade, immigration and entitlement reform? Not to mention the personal scandals and the never-ending tweets. Why do Republican leaders hesitate to rebuke him?

A shallow answer is politics: Sens. Jeff Flake and Bob Corker both tangled with Mr. Trump, and it turned out to be political suicide. But to get a deeper answer, its instructive to examine what Mr. Trump hasnt done. Since the campaign, Mr. Trump has abandoned many of his previous positions and embraced traditional conservative views.

Spending and taxes. During the election, Mr. Trump promised a $1 trillion infrastructure plan. Some Republicans feared his first initiative on taking office would be a pork-laden spending package reminiscent of Barack Obamas stimulus bill. They also worried he would cut a deal with Democrats to raise taxes. I am willing to pay more, Mr. Trump said in May 2016. And do you know what? The wealthy are willing to pay more. Instead, the reverse happened: Theres no infrastructure plan in sight, except for the border wall, and Mr. Trump signed a sweeping bill to reduce personal and corporate taxes.

Mr. Jindal served as governor of Louisiana, 2008-16, and was a candidate for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination.

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The Deafening Silence Of Republicans

President Donald Trump shakes hands with Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell of Ky., center, before the start of a meeting with House and Senate Leadership in the Roosevelt Room of the White House in Washington, Tuesday, June 6, 2017.

This is what GOP lawmakers who think Trump went too far or doesnt deserve to be president are up against. If they grow a spine and rebuke him, they will lose their seats in their districts next election. So far, just distancing themselves or making vague excuses is enough for most. Some even have to voice full-throated support or be primaried by a wide-eyed zealot foaming at the mouth about Antifa super-soldiers building extermination camps for Christians, expending hundreds of thousands of dollars from a campaign chest to repel an attack on their right flank.

Some, of course, are just Trumps who can form a coherent sentence and with six fewer bankruptcies from which their dads had to bail them out while ruthlessly chewing them out in front of other family members and important business partners. Like their voters, they also feel ecstatic that a fellow narcissistic bigot is in charge, and are ready and willing to make things harder on their more moderate and less enthusiastic colleagues.

Why So Many Republicans Cling To Trump

Why Is Donald Trumps Grip So Strong On The GOP? | TODAY

Ben Shapiro got part of it right. A toxic mix of status anxiety, persecution fears, and echoes of the Civil War helps explain why they follow Trump into the abyss.

On September 17, 1862, over 10,000 Confederate soldiers were killed, wounded, or went missing in a single day at the Battle of Antietam. Very few of them came from slave-owning families, so why did they agree to give their lives in defense of human bondage?

I was reminded of this question when I noticed that Politico Playbook had recruited conservative celebrity and author Ben Shapiro;to explain why the vast majority of House Republicans voted not to impeach President Trump on Wednesday for sending a murderous mob after them on January 6. Politico was slammed by liberals for opening its best-known section to a conservative whos been charged with being bigoted and intolerant. But Shapiros explanation of the rallying around Trump during his final days wasnt totally off base. He was on to something about how Republicans see the world.

With Trump leaving office within a week, defending his incitement of an insurrection doesnt seem to be in the long-term self-interest of Republican officeholders.;But the Civil War example helps explain why people sometimes do very self-destructive things out of spite or insecurity.

White supremacy was such a consensus view at the time that Lincoln felt compelled to defend it.

Like the rebels at Antietam, no one wants to die for nothing.

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Recommended Reading: How Many States Are Controlled By Republicans

The Republican Doomsday Cult

Artwork By Rantt Media Production Designer Madison Anderson

With that in mind, we can explore a truly bizarre dynamic thats been unfolding before our eyes. Since the John Birch Society kidnapped the heart of American conservatism, theyve managed to turn it into a doomsday cult which preaches that any deviation from their orthodoxy will be the end of America and therefore the world as we know it. To keep voters in line and tens of millions in cash from the party rank and file, it unleashed what could only be described as a tsunami of conspiracy theories and fake news to support them.

To be a Republican today is to wholeheartedly believe that youve been losing the battle against nefarious forces for the last half-century and if you dont fight back, or should your party not win absolute control at every level of government, the Reptoid Illuminati MS-13 Antifa Sharia Jew World Order will come to your house, rip your face off, and steal your grandchildren to sell as sex slaves in basements of pizzerias. And whereas a charismatic cult leader would know full well that this is a ruse to keep his followers pliant no matter what he does to them, Trump believes the same exact things.

SIGN THIS PETITION TO CALL FOR GUN VIOLENCE TO BE TREATED LIKE AN EPIDEMIC;

‘combative Tribal Angry’: Newt Gingrich Set The Stage For Trump Journalist Says

All these factors combined to produce a windfall for Republicans all over the country in the midterms of 1994, but it was a watershed election in the South. For more than a century after Reconstruction, Democrats had held a majority of the governorships and of the Senate and House seats in the South. Even as the region became accustomed to voting Republican for president, this pattern had held at the statewide and congressional levels.

But in November 1994, in a single day, the majority of Southern governorships, Senate seats and House seats shifted to the Republicans. That majority has held ever since, with more legislative seats and local offices shifting to the GOP as well. The South is now the home base of the Republican Party.

The 2020 aftermath

No wonder that in contesting the results in six swing states he lost, Trump seems to have worked hardest on Georgia. If he had won there, he still would have lost the Electoral College decisively. But as the third most populous Southern state, and the only Southern state to change its choice from 2016, it clearly held special significance.

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As Gop Sticks With Trump Grassroots Energy On The Right Has Gone Missing

WASHINGTON Tax Day 2009 was the start of the Tea Party protests against Barack Obamas agenda.

But as we approach April 15, 2021 even with the tax-filing deadline extended to May 17 its become noticeable just how quiet the conservative grassroots have been during President Bidens first three months in office.

Part of it is due to the fact that Biden has never been the lightning rod for the right that Obama, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi and even AOC are.

But another part is the 2020 defeated candidate who decided to stick around: Donald Trump.

‘he’s On His Own’: Some Republicans Begin To Flee From Trump

NEW YORK President Donald Trump’s steadfast grip on Republicans in Washington is beginning to crumble, leaving him more politically isolated than at any other point in his turbulent administration.

After riling up a crowd that later staged a violent siege of the U.S. Capitol, Trump appears to have lost some of his strongest allies, including South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham. Two Cabinet members and at least a half dozen aides have resigned. A handful of congressional Republicans are openly considering whether to join a renewed push for impeachment.

One GOP senator who has split with Trump in the past called on him to resign and questioned whether she would stay in the party.

I want him out, Sen. Lisa Murkowski of Alaska told The Anchorage Daily News. “He has caused enough damage.

The insurrection on the heels of a bruising election loss in Georgia accomplished what other low points in Trump’s presidency did not: force Republicans to fundamentally reassess their relationship with a leader who has long abandoned tradition and decorum. The result could reshape the party, threatening the influence that Trump craves while creating a divide between those in Washington and activists in swaths of the country where the president is especially popular.

President-elect Joe Biden isn’t putting his weight behind the effort yet, suggesting there’s not enough time between now and his Jan. 20 inauguration to pursue impeachment or any other constitutional remedy.

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heyitsmechyn · 6 years

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Glimpse of Reality

For once, try to look up the skies above during night time and try to imagine you were among those gazilion of stars. And how tiny this world of ours in the vastness of the universe, much less every individual inhabiting therein. You are not so special as you believe you are. What is special in you is that you possess within yourself the power to accumulate energy.

The freedom to experience life the way you want but that freedom has been censored by your government and religion and you allow them to control your life. I’d like to talk much about money and sex because these things has great implications to the lives of homosapiens. It seems to me, that our kind today only live for this. How they cried foul when their partners become attracted to somebody else. How they crave for money, they even hurt and risk their lives for it. But can you blame them?

This is how society works. We were raised to adulthood believing the lies of history. The lies that subjected us into a lifetime of trickery. I commend the women who get by themselves. They’ve come to know the beauty of independence for the right reason. I am not a man hater, I just defy the norms of society when it comes to personal issues. We are so close to forgetting that we have a life to live.

Technology is feeding us with innovations that render our senses and human instinct futile day after day. Government is making sure it happens, religions are taking their share of the pie while depriving you of your happiness right in this lifetime. They take your money and tell you to be meek , because God is watching and will punish you if you dont, promise you a joyful afterlife if you behave according to their standards. Adulterers, thieves, murderers, and warmongers, how can you even say the word “God”?

You dare tell me I am this and that, alright I’m a bitch, I’m a devil but I am also an angel and a child. I am fully aware of the things I’ve done and I’ve done them without regrets. Because there was never an intention to harm others in my heart and mind. What I have here is the intention to live.

Criticizing me for being a jack of all trade yet master of none? Listen well, you and I do not stand on the same ground at least in our perception of what that ground is. While you are into monotonous lifestyle and clinging to your safe zone, which I find so boring and really impractical because there is indeed no future to secure. What awaits us in the future is old age and death. I am into adventure, solving the puzzle of my very own existence, appreciating everything that is perceptible to me, refining my cognitive abilities to know the limits of what I can do with this body and mind.

You dont know what comes out of your mouth. Judge me all you can, you wont remember any of it in your death bed. You will be presented with memories and regrets of things you never did while you had the time and energy. You wasted those time and energy nosing somebody else’s business.

You are not defined by those rumours people keep spitting behind your back, as much as don’t let them take control of your wheel. People need to start meddling with their own lives and not yours. Don’t live to their expectations as well as their standards. I am tired of letting society define me by my actions, not my reasons.

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cheerisuu · 5 years

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saturday

Actually its 1:51 AM on a Sunday——

I’ve realised the internet does give you a dark place for your emotions to cluster. And what’s difficult is that it’s mostly in the same type of social media. On Facebook you’d be sad for a second seeing a post on a seacreature such as sharks or whales being washed upon the shores of who knows where due to the earth dying. Next minute you’re viewing memes whether it’s by the kalokohan made by the Filipinos or just some random shit somewhere else around the world. Instagram on the other hand, makes you feel cautious about who really is interested in your life’s stories. Me as someone who is very anxious about anyone would easily overthink or overmean stuff. But that varies among different personalities. On Twitter, you get to see different people’s emotions from ups to downs. What made me start writing tonight is because i saw a previous school mate of mine post a video about her current relationship that’s all cuddles and kisses and chilling,expressing their love for each other and how in to her that guy was, knowing damn well that girl i knew was bashed beforehand due to her confused sexuality, eating disorders, and the various rumours about boys and backlash that was surrounding her; she managed to smile and eventually have that special someone that was open to accept her flaws no matter who she was.

Now, im not saying that openness should vary whether you know all about the truth of the person or not, im saying this type of openness should be accompanied by trust and faithfulness that you are about to partake in the responsibility of someone’s feelings, anxiety, and emotions. Even if you’re not knowing every single detail of the person’s life. What matters most is you base your love on how they grew up. Because not everyone was raised on love. That’s why we see some individuals having trouble on how to love a person properly because we don’t see the damage that was administered by their past.

The past days that i have been down i came to realise, I was indeed pressured about not losing the person i loved. In fact, i still do love that person with all of my heart (and hypothalamus if you want to get scientific) but i was too busy focused on what i wanted for US, that i wasn’t paying attention to the little details about what he was trying to say. I know he isn’t good with words and it was my fault that i kept on looking forward not giving light to our present. I miss him every day that comes by. Not just physically but emotionally. You know, it’s really different when you have someone to talk to about your day, how it was going, someone who updates you when you aren’t asking. It just feels good that you know you are still thought of even when you are not constantly talking right? Or is it just me.. well, if it is just me, then i can just keep it to myself and admire from the distance just by him being online, him replying to whatever random topic i ask about him or tell something or even just being left on read. The simple things get simpler, and simpler, as each hour passes on. Even getting him from viewing my stories becomes a struggle sometimes cause it’s just one tap away on our convo but it still doesnt happen. :<

I was laughing for myself today and it has been a while. I took a video of this clip from CongTV that made me admire my own laugh and made me thought “So this is what i sound like when im not sad.” It’s not bad afterall. Although the thought of him comes to mind because he’s the one who usually watches this and the commentary on the video is really loud which makes me recognize it more. But i just simply enjoy the laugh i had and just thank him for letting me be interested in these jackass channels lol. I also covered a chorus by a song he introduced me to, “Lie To Me” by 5 Seconds of Summer. I tried covering Scars by James Bay (beautiful song btw) but I couldn’t risk my confidence cause I mess up alot when im nervous and i might come off as someone bragging (char rajug hawod oy) but i just think like that i guess. I’m the lowkey-type in other words. Being low-key also reminds of one of his traits. He is really good at a few things: we’re almost exactly the same and sometimes opposite. We’re your Jack Of All Trades, except that he really excels in Math and Basketball. Anyways, i tried getting his attention by chatting him a few times to look at my story. I posted it on Twitter but I wasn’t comfortable enough to put it up that long so, i guess 24 hours is alright. Hopefully in the morning he can go check it out? Im too enthusiastic about this (maybe a lot of things) and that’s just one of the traits i have that he has a problem with. But we’re not here to talk about problems, for now.

To cut this short, let’s just say im still adjusting to how our communication has been lessened which i feel like im just one of his “girl-chat nominees”. That label might have sounded harsh but i still can’t get over the feeling i had when i knew he was chatting with that She. Still grinds my gears. But if i just trust a little longer on how this goes up, then im sure it won’t be a problem. Right? Right. I’ve realised alot in a day, really. Some things dont just end up the way you want it to be and i really miss having this “happy pill” so you call it, that “virtual serotonin” that you know can cheer you up just by them talking to you and messing around with them.

I love you and i miss you every day,

but i think I’ll have to wait around and see how this plays,

whatever it takes.

#icandothis #wecandothis

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recordedscratch-blog · 7 years

Note

4,6,14

oh dope a response to the question thing n shit thats cool

it waaaaas for my fav band my future piercing n the last time i cried

soooo uh i think the last time i garbled upon the subject i was fuckin spurtin like crazy bout milo who is still fuckin like

legit to the heart n core of my soul not even kiddin hes like my musical spirit animal

buuut since goin juts about him twice is redundant ill just go fuckin crazy over soomeone else for a tick

iiiid say probably aesop rock

i fuckin went bananas over him before when i found out that he skated despite him saying that he could in “lotta years” but like knowing that he can still pull off impossibles is slick so i got hype off that anyways

but hes legit for real his instrumentals are absolutely fuckin excellent on their own but his bars are worth their gold on their own since usually they are just drippin with some kind of meanin

he just has a great way of wording shit man the way that he can be so fantastical with his lyrics is absolutely inspiring

there was even a study that compared rappers and their word diversity and aesop was so above fucking EVERYONE that his result wasnt even properly represented in the graph because youd have to expand the whole thing at the cost of space to the other rappers so hes just stuck at the end like outlier georg

i mean hes outpreforming a high number of major players like drake n mf doom n the ENTIRE WUTANG CLAN PUT TOGETHER its fucking outrageous

you can find the chart here https://pudding.cool/2017/02/vocabulary/ hes just so fucking dope

in terms of piercings id like to say either on my fuckin butt or something or like lobe and industrial bars cuz those are cool n shit

i wanted to get like a tongue stud for a while but then i heard its super easy to idly chew on those things and fuck up your teeth something real good which sounds exactly like something id so nah lmao

i can see myself swallowing em by accident too and id probably like cut up my insides and then die like a big old idiot

the doctor will look over my corpse and point and laugh and be like hahaha what the fuck this isnt even a thing that fucking happens what a loser

anyways the crying one uhhhh

[ PRIVATE ]

k so like i normally fuckin hate sharin this shit cuz its a bit too much

since shit doesnt matter to other people and all bein fuckin open bout it does is like

make rando people worried about me n shit?? n i dont wanna do that cuz it feels like im just jumping people with my bullshit n forcing them to feel bad

n then it becomes a fucking assblast festival in my honor and name and people will put down hard pity about it and bother me bout it like they know my shit

some rando fuckin internet strangers actin as my moral compass as if i asked

as if im this idiot puppy dog who needs to be pitied and babied and guided cuz boohoo he feels bad

even talkin bout it openly is essentially a call for attention and i aint no pussy

but my therapist be tellin me i need tbe more open more so ill spill this shit i guess

by the way if you copy paste this shit or put it somewhere or fucking do anything with what im spittin i will fuckin hunt you down and expose you like the piece of shit pussy coward you are

i dont even give a fuck if you pass me on this i will fight to put down your ass n get your ass tossed off your job or some shit

but uh

yeah anyways

last time i cried was like a few weeks ago cuz like i was at work n it was a tuesday and since jack shit happens on tuesdays right

cept the only thing was some new album was coming out that day but thats chill

but some fucker came in with this huge trade in and is making me go through his dead granddads music movie collection of 100+ which is horrible but fuckin FINE whatever

i end up having to juggle this transaction with people trying to buy said album and calling to ask if i have said album which stressed me out like fuck cuz this trade in guy was a bit of a fucking grunch when i had to do other things that werent his thing because “he was there first” but other people would get grunchy when theyd get ignored or put aside for trade in guy because it “they deserve just as much attention as the next customer”

or theyd be forced to wait a good bit because im busy with something else

not like everyone was like that but one person is enough to ruin the mood right

anyways that wasnt the thing that really set me off to cry

well not directly anyways

in foresight i could have just said bad work day and not give an essay bout my horsecrap but i already typed it all out so fuck it you asked

it was just a bad day and there was a lot of moments that made me feel stupid and i just really hate feeling stupid

so anyway i finished my shift n finished up and just rushed off to the employees bathroom since it was the closest secluded place n i just needed a fuckin moment to just

destress i guess

enclosed spaces make me comfortable i guess idk

so im just on the toliet lid down holding my head in my hands holding the weight with my elbows on my knees and im just

getting more and more upset

like ill think about a mistake ive made that day then ill think about a worse mistake ive made in the past and get upset more

then ill get upset at myself at me holding those past grudges and get upset how i cant just let go of shit all together

and then ill get upset about getting upset about this SAME issue AGAIN and it just keeps looping through it over and over again like feedback between a microphone and a speaker

which is so infuriating because i KNOW that its happening all over again but i cant stop being a just

huge pussy and crying about it

so uh yeah i cried all like that and it was pretty awful

[ PRIVATE END ]

fuckin stubbed my toe haha it sucked

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themoneybuff-blog · 5 years

Text

The Value of Competence and Mastery

One of the most interesting personal finance concepts Ive come across is the Renaissance ideal, which I first learned of from the writings of Jacob Lund Fisker. Fiskers idea is simple: For every skill out there that people find useful, there is a level of ability of that skill where, if youre below that level, youll pay someone else to do it for you, whereas if youre above that level, someone will pay you to do it. (if youre near that fine line, its usually worthwhile to just do it yourself.) Fisker argues that youre better off having a large set of skills that are above the level at which people will pay you to do it rather than performing at a very high level at just a few skills and having to pay others for all other skills. What does that mean in the real world? Lets say you have a researcher who is one of the brightest people in the entire world at a particular research area and a few associated skills, but aside from that, this researcher struggles with everyday life. That person can barely accomplish very basic household tasks and never with any efficiency and usually just throws money at basic needs (or relies on the generosity of others). On the other hand, you have a person who is a competent carpenter, a competent plumber, a competent chef, competent at IT, competent at household tasks, reasonably well versed on a lot of different intellectual topics, and so on. Fisker argues that the latter person, a person with a lot of areas of competence, is far more stable in terms of their financial future, because not only will that person have significantly fewer expenses, that person can easily find employment in a variety of fields and can often combine their competencies to find a lot of high paying jobs. A person with just a few highly trained skills might be world-class in those skills, but what if those skills become less valuable going forward? That person is in real trouble. This idea is largely in line with my own life experience and observation about how people (myself included) find employment. Over the years, however, Ive somewhat expanded and altered some of these ideas. Theres a lot to unpack here, so lets dig in. Competence and Skill When I look at this idea, I tend to see two different lines that separate skills into three groups. The lowest level of skill is what I might call incompetence, which is where youre unable to do the task at all and usually hire someone to do it for you. The next level of skill is competence, which is where youre able to do the task well for yourself and dont need to hire someone to do it for you. The highest level is what we might call mastery, which is where youre able to perform a skill well enough for someone to pay you to do it. This doesnt refer to jobs that are mostly manual labor that anyone could do, but jobs that require a specific skill. Lets look at cooking, for example. Someone who is incompetent at cooking subsists on prepackaged meals or meals prepared by someone else. Typically, this person either has someone in their household that cooks for them or theyre spending a lot of money on food preparation (whether its prepackaged meals from a factory or restaurant meals). Someone who is competent at cooking can make their own meals and snacks out of inexpensive ingredients. This significantly reduces their food bill. However, theyre generally not skilled enough where anyone would pay them to do this. Someone who is skilled at cooking can get a job at a restaurant because they can make good meals quickly and efficiently. You can do the same thing for almost any skill or area of knowledge. Theres a level of incompetence, where you dont understand the topic or the skill; a level of competence, where you reasonably understand the topic and can reasonably practice the skill; and a level of mastery, where you deeply understand the topic and can practice the skill at a very high level. Typically, people who are incompetent at particular skill have to pay others to do it for them, competent people can do those things for themselves, and masters are paid to do their thing. If we roll back to the analogy from earlier, the researcher is a very high-level master in a few specific areas, but is mostly incompetent in all other areas. As long as the researchers career cares about mastery of those specific areas, the researcher is fine, but the researcher is going to be carrying a lot of expense. The jack of all trades, on the other hand, has relatively low-level mastery of quite a few areas and competence in a ton of areas. This individual rarely has to hire anyone to do anything and is employable in a lot of situations. Rather than being paid for pure mastery of one area, this person usually makes money by combining a bunch of different lower level masteries and competencies into one package. Entrepreneurs often fall into this category, for example. Your Areas of Competence So, lets translate this to your own life. What things are you competent at? In other words, what things can you and do you easily handle for yourself that other people pay others to do? I dont mean that you do them well enough or efficiently enough to be employed to do it, but that you do it well enough to meet your own needs. Are you good at making your own meals? Keeping your house clean? Doing your own laundry? What about fixing minor plumbing issues? Handling basic car maintenance? Handing minor electrical issues in your home? Can you repair some non-electronic appliances? Can you fix electronics issues in your home? In other words, do you regularly need to buy prepackaged food or order food because youre not up to the task of making food? Do you have a housecleaning service because youre awful at housekeeping? Do you have a laundry service that you use? Do you call a plumber every time theres any kind of plumbing issue? Do you take your car to the shop for every minor issue and every maintenance task? Do you call an electrician every time something isnt quite right? Do you have an IT guy that you call (often a family member) whenever a device doesnt work the way you want it to work? Its okay if you do these things occasionally or when things demand someone with mastery, but competence means that you handle issues like this for yourself almost all of the time. Make a mental list of your areas of competence. What things do you do well enough for yourself that other people often pay people to do for them? You arent good enough (perhaps) to do it professionally, but youre certainly good enough to fulfill your own needs almost all of the time. Your Areas of Mastery Mastery generally refers to areas of expertise where you have a high enough level of skill and/or knowledge that other people rely on you for help and will often pay you for your knowledge, skill, and expertise. Most people that have a steady job that pays reasonably well have at least one area of mastery that they rely on, or else they rely on a lot of simultaneous ares of competence. Most people that run a small business, particularly a service-oriented one, have some sort of mastery that theyre drawing on, usually revolving around an ability to do something very efficiently and with good quality. What are you good enough at that people will pay you for the service? What knowledge do you have that others will pay you for the opportunity to tap it? Those are your areas of mastery. Obviously, there are varying degrees of mastery, and higher levels of mastery earn a higher wage. True masters can often name their own price and can often get away with few other areas of competence in their life. Becoming Competent The secret to becoming competent at something is to just do it as often as possible. If you want to become competent at cooking, just get yourself in the kitchen as frequently as you can. If you want to become competent at computer programming, just write code as frequently as you can. If you want to become competent at plumbing, dive into every home plumbing issue that you can, either in your own residence or running over to help out friends. If you want to become competent in a particular area of knowledge, start reading books and taking notes on that subject. At first, youre going to be bad at whatever task it is youre taking on, and thats perfectly fine. If you have a bit of natural talent, you might quickly become competent at it; if not, itll take some time, but almost anyone can become competent at almost anything by doing it for a while. If you dont know how to do something, YouTube is an incredible resource for teaching you enough of the basics to become competent at almost anything you might want to do. If you want to learn about something, Wikipedia can give you just enough to figure out what books you should read on the subject. Competence, in my mind, means that you feel skilled enough at a particular task to simply prefer to do it for yourself most of the time rather than have someone else do it for you. Competence in an area of knowledge means you understand it well enough to explain it to others, and if its a concept thats debatable, you understand both the benefits and flaws of the concept well enough to explain it to others. You can carry on a conversation about that area of knowledge with both a person that knows almost nothing as well as a person with mastery in the topic. Heres an example of this idea at work, in the form of four people preparing a pasta meal. The first person is competent they can prepare a good meal for themselves. The next person is still what I would call competent, but a high level of competent they wouldnt quite be paid for it, but they can prepare a really good dinner at home. The last two people are at various levels of mastery. (An incompetent person in this video would call a local Italian restaurant and get takeout, or else flail around without any direction in the kitchen.) Turning Competence into Mastery The path from beginner to competence is easy enough just do it but how does one go from competence in an area to a level of mastery at which people will pay you to do that particular thing? Thats a lot harder. For starters, in some skill levels, your level of skill has to be incredibly high to be paid just for that skill. I could practice for the next 10 years and still not be good enough at basketball to get paid just to play basketball. Its not happening in any reality. I can definitely be competent at basketball understanding the game and playing in local pickup games but to be able to be paid for that? Its not happening. (Remember, were defining mastery here as a high enough skill level that people will pay you to perform that skill.) Some skills simply dont earn a lot of money, either. Other skills require some kind of external certification of your skill to earn a lot of money. In other words, there is no specific path or guaranteed path from competence to mastery. However, there are some things that almost all journeys have in common. For starters, they typically involve some form of deliberate practice. Deliberate practice is a type of practice that is focused on improving technique rather than mindless repetition. For example, if I just shot 100 free throws, that would be just mindless repetitive practice. However, if I shot 50 free throws with careful attention to detail, videotaped it, watched the video, looked for flaws, then spent the next 50 shots carefully shooting with attention to correcting those flaws, that would be deliberate practice. If you want to know more about the specifics of deliberate practice, heres a great introduction to deliberate practice by James Clear. Deliberate practice can be done for almost any skill. You do something carefully and deliberately, thinking about each step, study what youre doing to look for flaws, then do it carefully and deliberately with the intent of correcting those flaws. This is where a coach or a teacher can really help, but you can do this yourself. For mastery over areas of knowledge, I usually point to two things: meeting the requirements for employment in that area as well as being able to explain that area of knowledge to an elementary aged child. If I cant explain something to a child, I dont understand it forward and backward; however, if I can do that, I can almost always achieve certifications and such. One great way to practice this is to actually try to explain what youre learning to a child, or at least on a childs level. If you cant, note where youre having difficulty and you have a direct arrow to your next area of focus in your learning. As I noted earlier, the exact path to being able to be paid for a specific skill or area of knowledge varies quite a bit. A Palette of Competencies (and a Mastery or Two) These ideas are interesting, but how does this translate into practical advice for making more money? Lets dig right into that, shall we? Almost every employee and entrepreneur out there making more than minimum wage has achieved mastery in an area or a few related areas or has competence in a wide variety of areas. Often, the people who really succeed have both they are masters of business organization and communication and competent at engineering and computer programming, for example. So, ideally, if you want to earn more money, you should be aiming for a wide variety of competencies and a few masteries. Why is that so useful? Its often the combination of several competencies or the combination of a few masteries and a few competencies that add up to a lot of value. Its relatively easy to find a person thats a master level at one specific thing; its also relatively easy to find a person thats competent at a few things. Whats difficult is to find people with specific mixes of competencies and masteries that makes them specifically equipped to tackle valuable problems. Thats what people will pay a lot of money for. Thats how people found successful businesses. Theres a specific problem out there and they have a good mix of masteries and competencies to solve that problem. The thing is, the more competencies and masteries you accumulate, the greater the set of problems in life youre going to be able to solve. If youre a master of just one particular skill and are competent in two or three areas, there are likely a few jobs out there that are great for you, but not many. If you are a master of several things and competent at lots of things, there are likely lots of problems out there youre suited to solve, and thus lots of job opportunities and lots of potential entrepreneurial paths to follow. Thats because those different masteries and competencies combine in different ways for different problems. Its like having a box of Legos. The more Legos you have in the box, the more things you can build. A mastery is like a really vital piece for a few particular things you might build; a competency is a fairly ordinary piece, but several of those are always needed to build anything worthwhile. The more you fill up your box of Legos with competencies and masteries, the more things you can build and the more problems you can solve and the more employment opportunities you have. So, what can you practically do? The first thing you should do is figure out what competencies and masteries you do have. What does your resume look like? What skills do you list on there? What things outside of your resume are you competent at? Think of things you do in your day to day life. There may even be things outside of your employment that you could be doing to earn an income, but youve chosen a different path. For most people, that ends up being a pool of talents that they possess. They might be really specific, or they might be fairly broad its all fine. Now, consider what specific competencies or a specific mastery you could add to that pool that would make you employable in more areas or make it easier for you to start your own business or side gig. What abilities, if added to this pool, could really increase your professional opportunities? Youll probably start by looking at advancements in your current career path, but dont stop there. Consider what other career paths youre not too far from being ready for if you could just add another skill or two to your pool. For example, I moved from data mining as a career path to writing, which might seem like a huge leap, but the truth was that as a data miner, I actually did a lot of writing on a daily basis, and I had the technical skill to code a very complex data driven website on my own. I really only needed knowledge and experience in another field and some general entrepreneurial ability to set myself up to make that leap. This isnt a quick process. Its something to mull over for a period of time as you try to identify a few new things you can become competent with or master in order to really amp up your career possibilities, because thats what this is all about: Adding competencies and masteries to your set of skills not only sets you up for advancement, but it multiplies the possibilities in and out of your field. It becomes much easier to rebound when things fall apart. It becomes much easier to move into interesting opportunities that pay well. It becomes much easier to open doors that would have been closed to you. Once youve figured out a few things you can add, then its time to start building those competencies and masteries, as described earlier. Start doing. Start learning. If youre wondering, the big thing Im trying to add to my skill set right now is building towards a level of mastery (or at least strong competence) in fiction writing and adding competency in a bunch of different ideas as well as competency in self-publishing Ill let you figure out what that all means. I Dont Have Time to Do This! The reaction that most people have to these ideas is one of time. I dont have time to learn new skills! I barely have time for life as it is! Heres the thing: You can work on skills as part of your life as it is right now. Your job provides a great opportunity to learn new skills, hone them into masteries, and even sharpen the masteries you already have. Just strive to do what you do now with a higher level of excellence, or look for opportunities to learn new skills or take on new challenges. Daily life offers tons of opportunities to pick up new competencies. Start making meals every day instead of just ordering food or going to restaurants or eating convenience meals. Instead of waiting for your oil to get changed, spend that hour at home learning how to change your own oil and change your own wiper blades. Instead of calling a plumber when your toilet doesnt work, fire up a YouTube video and diagnose your toilet problem. Look for anything in your life that you pay other people to do and do it for yourself, even if it seems really hard at first. Not only are you adding new competency to your life, youre also gaining the courage to try new things. During your downtime, read challenging books on topics that you want to learn about to add to your repertoire. Spend less time on cable television and Netflix and social media and more time on really challenging books and other learning materials. Look at the things you do in your life and ask yourself how you could do them a little better or a little more efficiently. Walk through the little repeated tasks step by step and find ways to shave off a minute here or make the result a little better there. (This is an awful lot like deliberate practice.) You have the time. Its really more about using your time better. The Matter of Convenience The final issue I want to cover is the fact that many people choose to pay others to do things for them out of convenience and time saving. A particular evening might not afford the time to cook a meal, so you order takeout as youre leaving work, grab it in three minutes, and when you arrive home you pop it right on the table. You might be overwhelmed by laundry, so you just pay a service to take care of it. Theres nothing wrong with doing this, provided that the time youre saving is being used in a way thats more useful and valuable than what youre doing. If youre buying takeout so that you can sit on the couch and binge Netflix for three hours, thats not an effective use of time. If your counterargument is that youre worn out after a day of work, then you should be getting more sleep try making a meal for half an hour, watching Netflix for only an hour, getting half an hour of exercise, and getting an extra hour of sleep. Convenience tactics should only be freeing you up to do more effective things with your time (and, yes, meaningful leisure can be that more effective thing, but it needs to be meaningful and valuable, not just idle). If theyre freeing you up to be idle or to do unimportant things, then that means you need to change some other areas of your life. Final Thoughts Heres what you should take home from all of this. Being competent with a skill has a nice financial benefit if it means youre no longer paying someone to do it for you. The more skills youre competent in and the more areas of knowledge youre competent in, the less you have to pay others for services. Furthermore, the more things youre competent with, the more you have to draw on to be effective in your career and life. Honing a skill until it becomes a mastery is another great move. If you have a skill (or a small group of highly interrelated skills) thats useful enough on its own to get people to pay you for it, thats wonderful. If you surround it with other skills you have some level of mastery or competence in, youll find yourself endlessly employable and likely able to chart your own path in the world. Whats at the core of all of this? Constant self-learning and improvement. Constant building of new skills and refining old ones. Constant growth of your set of competencies and masteries. This isnt just a one day thing. This is a lifelong pattern of growth. Its all up to you. Good luck. Read more by Trent Hamm: https://www.thesimpledollar.com/the-value-of-competence-and-mastery/

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