#like. is this psychotic stuff? maybe. idk it could be anything | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pansyfemme · 2 years

Text

dont talk to me until ive had my morning antipsychotics

#missed em two days in a row. not on purpose and i am trying to get better abt it #but man. i do not function without them #being on antipsychotics is weird bc ive been on em since i was twelve and when u say that u take them ppl get all freaked out and its like.#would u rather i was unmedicated bc im gonna be psychotic either way #ppl get so weird when they find out someones psychotic and they couldnt tell #miss my antidepressants .#im fine. as long as i get my next dose i dont even notice #my antipsychotics? you might as well blindfold me bc i cannot keep my vision straight #i get all jittery and loose and floaty and start depersonalizing at the drop of a hat #not a coherant thought in my head. just like the same three words repeating themselves over and over #its like a waking dream. crazy to think that used to be how i lived 24/7.#obviously. if i miss a lot of doses it gets worse and worse until the real bad symptoms kick back in #but like.#missing one dose just makes shit really frustrating. missing more makes me pretty much unable to leave bed #idk how to discribe it. its like being very very dizzy but instead of a phsyical dizzy its a mental dizzy but like. not brain fog and not #distracted just kinda. dizzy and jittery #im professional diagnosed psychotic but man i could not tell you actual terms for any of my symptoms #like. is this psychotic stuff? maybe. idk it could be anything #but im psychotic and when im off my meds thats whats goin on. thats all i know #i will say. the good part is when i have surgery and #have anesthethia it is such a familiar feeling bc thats what being off my meds feels like almost exactly lmao

3 notes · View notes

kkujo · 11 months

Text

last night i had a mix of tinnitus and sleep deprivation induced auditory hallucinations which was basically just like. literal microphone feedback. and i think it was triggered by me testing my microphone yesterday bc the feedback was awful but yeah i was lying awake and all i could hear was extremely loud microphone feedback in my brain i'm so glad it's over 😭

#worst hallucination i've ever had #like usually if i'm bad enough to get hallucinations it's just like murmuring/whispering but i can tell it's not real #worst ones i've had before is like screaming and that's only if i'm rlly sleep deprived. sometimes knocking on my door too but #it's never too bad yk. but the mic feedback hallucination was unbearable 😭#but also i've had olfactory hallucinations where i smell cigarette smoke #ik it's definitely a hallucination bc no one in my family smokes and it only lasts a minute #ykw typing this out i'm starting to think maybe this isn't normal.#i don't think i'm schizophrenic or anything? this isn't that common and it's usually triggered by sleep deprivation or stress #but i did start having delusions the other day where i fully believed everyone was plotting against me and trying to upset me #and i have had extreme paranoia/paranoid episodes in the past but it's been a lotttttt better this year so idc if that's related #but idk if these things are normal to an extent or if i have some kind of psychotic disorder but whatever it's not affecting me that bad so #like. it's not having a big impact it's just scary when it happens. i have like anxiety n shit so idk if i'm just prone to being paranoid #anyway if anyone knows abt these things pls tell me if i'm normal or not 😁#i'm 99% sure it's not schizophrenia or anything i just want someone's opinion bc idk how normal hallucinations are ☹#but it's typically if i'm like. stressed out to the point of panic attacks or if i'm rlly sleep deprived. so it might be normal ish #ask to tag #< sorry ik discussion of this stuff could potentially be distressing but idk how to tw tag it :(

14 notes · View notes

neuroticboyfriend · 3 months

Note

idk if you want other experiences about cannabis? So feel free to ignore!

But it is our go-to and helps our psychosis and schizo stuff more than anything else. (Antipsychotics had no effect on my psychosis.) Weed helps me so much both with reducing the amount of delusions and their severity. It also makes me care way, way, way less (same for my social anxiety and phobias and physical pain). It also just reduces my stress which reduces my hallucinations and delusions. I don't think it specifically reduces visual or auditory hallucinations much for me outside of that but it does make me not care about them. [And note: if I get *really really really high* (like taking double my tolerance in edibles or something) it can make my psychosis worse but still in a way where I'm less distressed by it and don't need to act on it, so like, still a win?]

I had fully developed schizoaffective for years before I tried cannabis, and stayed away from it for a long time, for the same reason as you. So totally up to you, and I respect your decision either way! (Not that my input matters lol but just reaffirming it's your right to choose!] and I definitely would try it with someone I trust the first time, and not use very much.

But i know quite a few psychotic people who really benefit from cannabis. And I know a couple who aren't psychotic in regular life but get paranoid on weed. So like. It depends! It's not for everyone but it can really help some people. My partner and i are both much saner on cannabis. But it's up to you if you want to try it or not! Feel free to message if you ever wanna talk about it or have questions. <3

I'm sorry things are hard, have another baby Julian (he's growing up so fast sob emoji 😭 )

ID: a five week old dilute orange kitten. He has white on his chest and big ears and is sitting among a bunch of toys, and half sitting in a coiled spring toy

That's honestly really good to know. I thought there was no chance someone like me could ever use weed, but maybe there is hope. I cant be normal about substances, but maybe I cant get a medical marijuana card.

I'm trying to see substances as a means to an end, instead of moralizing them and feeling like I'm doomed because I use them. Yeah, I definitely am on a downwards trend but, harm reduction. That's what helps me most, and weed is a lot safer than narcotics and alcohol.

Also so happy to see kitten Julian growing up!! honestly the fact you link me to him even tho we dont know each other in person or talk privately a lot is :') it warms my heart. Thank you friend, I always love hearing from you - your experiences and insight are always helpful.

#asks #moots #yaybox #drugs tw

18 notes · View notes

findroleplay · 6 months

Note

🕯️🕊️

(Part two) Hello! Looking for a long term rp 18+ partner who wants to do any dead dove rps with me! OC × OC preferably since i have no clue on how to play cannon characters </3

- I mainly do mxm or mxftm , but i don't mind doing mxf either!! I mainly play ftm ocs but if that doesn't suit your fancy then i also have other ones.

-I normally play switch and dom roles, but i want to try writing more sub ocs for this rp. If you want to double or switch then Imk! Depending on the oc, ill let you know if i can.

- I write normally long replies, so semi-lit and novella based on my mood, so please don't just give me one sentence replies!!! ranging from 3 to 7 paragraphs. I’m not picky with face claims at all!

Some things in the rp might include religious trauma, substance abuse, mental illness, and more. Everything is on the table except for oviposition and bathroom stuff.

I really prefer darker themes (🕊️), so hit me with your ideas so we could do them and maybe we can do some of mine as well :3c

Some oddly specific plots/troupes ideas i've wanted to try out:

- Growing up in a strict place, and both our ocs are there to be eachothers comfort. Perhaps they grow up and run away together? Who knows 👀 (The main idea for this one is ftmxm with me playing the ftm))

-enemies to lovers

- Roommates to lovers. (This might also go with the semi-enemies to loves.

-childhood friends to lovers. Perhaps separated for some time and reunited?

Or grow up together and watch each other live but have to also see them get with others. But then realize they are meant to be

- royal au <33 (Royal × prince, royal × assassin, banished royal × [anything])

- Supernatural × investigator/ paranormal hunter/unlucky civilian

- bratty royal × normal working class citizen or something idk maybe even a BUTLER.. Or like someone to put the bratty mf in their place

- PIRATES?! I love pirates so much.

- asshole × nonasshole (goes along with the asshole) - SLASHERS?? Thow me your best slasher ocs istg ill eat them up (Slasherxvictim anyone??)

- college student with a double life x professor (At a reasonable age)

-psychotic and deranged priest/diety/ demon x "sacrafice"

- Dancer x stalker (I would love to play the dancer in this pleaseee!!! I have a ballerina oc and a figure skater I've been wanting to try out)

And more we can discuss in dms! I prefer discord to rp, So if you're interested like and i'll work out the details in dms! I would love to make pin boards and headcannons for our ocs!! Have a good day/night!

like if interested! <3

-

#rp #roleplay #oc rp #original rp #fandomless rp

18 notes · View notes

darkdoverpseeker · 4 months

Note

🕯️🕊️

(retrying this) Hello! Looking for a long term rp 18+ partner who wants to do any dead dove rps with me! OC x OC preferably since i have no clue on how to play cannon characters </3

- I mainly do mxm or mxftm , but i don’t mine doing mxf either!! I mainly play ftm ocs but if that doesn’t suit your fancy then i also have other ones.

- I normally play switch and dom roles, but i want to try writing more sub ocs for this rp. If you want to double or switch then lmk! Depending on the oc, i’ll let you know if i can.

- I write normally long replies, so semi-lit and novella based on my mood, so please don't just give me one sentence replies!!! ranging from 3 to 7 paragraphs.

Some things in the rp might include religious trauma, substance abuse, mental illness, and more. Everything is on the table except for oviposition and bathroom stuff.

I really prefer darker themes (🕊️), so hit me with your ideas so we could do them and maybe we can do some of mine as well :3c

Some oddly specific plots/troupes ideas i’ve wanted to try out:

- Growing up in a strict place, and both our ocs are there to be eachothers comfort. Perhaps they grow up and run away together? Who knows 👀 (I had an idea for a ftm oc of mine that ive been DYING to play out ^^)

- enemies to lovers

- Roommates to lovers. (This might also go with the semi-enemies to loves.)

-childhood friends to lovers. Perhaps separated for some time and reunited? Or grow up together and watch each other live but have to also see them get with others.. But then realize they are meant to be

- royal au <33 (Royal x prince, royal × assassin, banished royal × [anything])

- Supernatural x investigator/paranormal hunter/unlucky civilian

- bratty royal × normal working class citizen or something idk maybe even a BUTLER.. Or like someone to put the bratty mf in their place

- Haunted video game × player

- PIRATES?! I love pirates so much. I’ve

- asshole × nonasshole (goes along with the asshole)

- college student with a double life x professor (At a reasonable age)

- psychotic and deranged priest/diety/demon x “sacrafice”

And more we can discuss in dms! I prefer discord to rp, So if you’re interested like and i’ll work out the details in dms! Have a good day/night! <3

like if interested !

#oc x oc #fandomless rp #m x m #m x ftm #m x f #semilit #novella #dead dove #dead dove do not eat #rp #roleplay

7 notes · View notes

prpfs · 6 months

Note

🕯️🕊️

Hello! Looking for a long term rp 18+ partner who wants to do any dead dove rps with me! OC x OC preferably since i have no clue on how to play cannon characters </3

- I mainly do mxm or mxftm , but i don’t mine doing mxf either!! I mainly play ftm ocs but if that doesn’t suit your fancy then i also have other ones.

- I normally play switch and dom roles, but i want to try writing more sub ocs for this rp. If you want to double or switch then lmk! Depending on the oc, i’ll let you know if i can.

- I write normally long replies, so semi-lit and novella based on my mood, so please don't just give me one sentence replies!!! ranging from 3 to 7 paragraphs.

Some things in the rp might include religious trauma, substance abuse, mental illness, and more. Everything is on the table except for oviposition and bathroom stuff.

I really prefer darker themes (🕊️), so hit me with your ideas so we could do them and maybe we can do some of mine as well :3c

Some oddly specific plots/troupes ideas i’ve wanted to try out:

- Growing up in a strict place, and both our ocs are there to be eachothers comfort. Perhaps they grow up and run away together? Who knows 👀 (I have an idea on this for like ftmxm thing that i been wanting to play soooo badly)

- enemies to lovers

- Roommates to lovers. (This might also go with the semi-enemies to loves.)

-childhood friends to lovers. Perhaps separated for some time and reunited? Or grow up together and watch each other live but have to also see them get with others.. But then realize they are meant to be

- royal au <33 (Royal x prince, royal × assassin, banished royal × [anything])

- Supernatural x investigator/paranormal hunter/unlucky civilian

- bratty royal × normal working class citizen or something idk maybe even a BUTLER.. Or like someone to put the bratty mf in their place

- PIRATES?! I love pirates so much. I’ve

- asshole × nonasshole (goes along with the asshole)

- college student with a double life x professor (At a reasonable age)

- psychotic and deranged priest/diety/demon x “sacrafice”

And more we can discuss in dms! I prefer discord to rp, So if you’re interested like and i’ll work out the details in dms! Have a good day/night! <3

give a like and anon will get back to you

#oc rp #oc roleplay #dead dove

9 notes · View notes

traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 5 months

Note

Hey, I just need some validation :)

The worst of my issues is that I feel like I repressed trauma. It feels like an itch I can't scratch, I get glimpses of it, feelings, then it vanishes again. I often question myself if it is really a repressed memory or something else? Maybe I am not triggered by snowy landscapes, maybe I just dislike it and think it is eery? A normal reaction? I don't know but it feels so weird to talk about trauma you feel is there but can't remember. How am I going to explain it to people?

But idk this is probably the creepy thing about it: I feel if I think too much about it, it'll consume me. In rational words, it feels like I would get a very long flashback I won't be able to "leave". But the feeling is more creepy. Like when in a fantasy tv show people are forced to live through their worst memory for ever and ever, and have no plan how to leave it. When I think about triggering things or look at triggering stuff for too long, and don't force myself to look away, it feels like this would happen to me.

Idk it feels so invalid because maybe there is nothing, you know? Maybe it is something teensy. Idk. But it feels so huge.

I know I need a therapist for this, but find one first... And even then I wouldn't know how to describe it.

Hi anon,

When it comes to talking about potentially repressed memories I just like to reiterate (even if you already know this) that it's not my place to tell you if you are actually repressing something, I can only speculate, so please take what I say with a grain of salt. The only people that can make a more solid determination would either be yourself or a mental health professional. Assuming you are repressing something if you actually aren't could harm your mental health, so it's better to just play it safe. I do think that it could go either way here.

What you described could be characteristic of repressed trauma, and I'm curious if you'd say that the fear of indulging in these "triggers" is that the trauma would suddenly rush over you. If you were repressing something, sometimes it can force the trauma through the veil of repression and prematurely expose you to it. I personally find it helpful to think of repression as an airbag in a car accident. It protects you from the impact of the damage, so there's a reason it's there. Removing it prematurely could do harm, like experiencing depersonalization, a psychotic break, or other things.

As someone with PTSD, flashbacks always pass eventually but the emotional component can make it feel inescapable and like it might last forever. I think it's also possible that this idea of being stuck in some sort of endless trauma loop (forced to relive worst memories endlessly) could also just describe processing and healing from whatever trauma might be there. Cause personally that's how I feel in my situation. It's also natural to hesitate or dread processing and healing because it's hard, and in many cases you do have to "go there" and return to awful moments and feelings.

It's also possible that you could essentially be psyching yourself up in the sense that these thoughts could be reinforcing your negative association with these triggers and strengthening the dread and concern that you could have trauma. But even if you aren't repressing anything, how you feel about this is still valid.

if you do see a therapist, i think the way you've described it here would be a great starting point - you've outlined your experiences quite clearly, at least to me.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks

2 notes · View notes

fangtastic-vampyra · 8 months

Text

Reaaally hate how it seems I have to be "watched" by people from the system the whole rest of my life.

It's MKULTRA MILBAS targeted individual stuff. You know the people that they go after?

Those that would stick their neck out for somebody else.

You know. Yes. So. I have to do a Stinkin' re-assessment sometime next week, ish, Im like "Im in for a life sentence. Schizophrenia gets worse when you get older. Very few people "get better" [or whatever they think] whatever that means, not understanding why I keep having to do a reassessment." I mean, I really hate Drs, of all kinds, I can take care of my Fecking self, and I want them to Bugger off in general. It was creepy asf. What is so hard to understand, stop thinking shit in my head, voices, v2k, and then, making me feel like shit with uh military, weapons? thennn tormenting me in my sleep. LIEK IF I FELT BETTER, I WOULD BE BETTER. a poisoned, drug, prescription or otherwise, filled body, with emo. pain, and trauma, and not enough healthy meals, and shit, prolly aint going to be around very long. plus parasites and what have you. I CAN BE A SCREET DR. JKKK. Just a herbal supplement recommender. :] {been studying those since I was 16, got a lot of time behind me on that particular interest, yah, thats why got me all into trouble, rebelling against norms, well if Punch Line really is my ..mm.. hear voices saying dont go out with her buut...what could i get out of it? it will probably, if i dont try, end up like harley and me, im fubar.. F.U.B.A.R.} And that? Was Mr and Mrs Smith.

And she mentions the Govt program medicaid enforces it every 6 months. I'm like nooooo. Even though I know it's fake, and thats fake, I have too much rage, to not be on meds, but I don't think they're quite ready to let me only be on one anti-"psychotic" umm Vraylar and Seroquel, are my two, and we lol we -- are doing great.

Yes Im a plural, also. DID... MPD.

Anyway-- I think I "actually am" schizophrenic.. Not just a Fake illness.. But Idk maybe it's just damage from previous incarnations. Some lady read my palms and said I was reincarnated. Neat.

Meanwhile, I've gotten into some sick sort of reminescensing/revenge thing. Prolly the first male "plague rat" -- Waheyyy. Emilie Autumn fan. They want them young, to study, and observe, if ya know what Im saying. AND. They dont like to let folks go. Once they have ya. Since these bastards, think they are some type of Woman Inspector. I dont want Pig Ass Hybrids for my kids anyway, fuck off. I am no longer young, and a Cantankerous ass bitch, and One day, THOSE Fuckers, are going to compensate me, for all my TBC, and everything else. TBC/Thought Broad Casting.

WTF..!! THEY CRASHED MY BROWSER, I HAD TYPED LIKE FIVE MORE PARA. Yes. they got access to my puter. UGH!!

WELL HOW ABOUT THAT.. AND....GAWDDAMN.

Note to self/other authors, authoresses: WRITE IN WORDPAD.

Or something similiar.. There use to be one that had a black background. White makes me feel like I got a lined loose leaf paper with no.2 in a uncomfy plastic chair. YES. UNCREATIVE. Like. In a fecking institution.

Uhm what had I said... Mum also said people get sacrificed to the devil a bunch more than most think. She's kinda uh weird. yes. Used to be into goth, and horror, and metal, when she was Younger, and witch craft, lord knows umm, now shes just, Blonde hair, blue eyes. And everything else, normal, she wants to be Barbie. IDEK, this Family wsa NOT ready. She was just another Handler, my dumb ass thought fighting, was the answer. I want to SUE the pants off MKULTRA ( and associations/etc, off them.) If you know what I mean. Abuse. Trauma. Mum says it happens to boys just as much. OHHH WELL. IDK about that. Shes just another brainwashed handler. Tho.. pretty insightful if you can actually get her to say anything. Lol we're munsters, I got out the sun synchronization, or something ugh.

Im just nursing a wound. Not caring about anything else, but trying to stop the pain. I dont uh see any point in living this way? My head is aching like someones been smashing rocks against my skull for the past hour. "Okay ill stop" Like they harass and make fun of me as AFAB UNDESIRABLE. Fat and whatever, though they did it um. And call me a he/she, they did that to. And I just uh, want to punch something in the face that something is God, Idk, until it stops moving. yes. then i can be god. >.> IDK, like whyyyy me.

Why all of this. WHYYYY.

He says we are all equal, he says his thoughts are higher than our thoughts, he says the enemies are not flesh and blood, but spirits. Yes. SAYS humans are more close to him than angels, says this and that, that we have power as humans over the animals, and the demons. idk. somethings not adding up. i think he's a f*cking rapist. celebrating the black majick curses he places onto children. a pervert, a predator. yes. i try. to calculate what is going on here, i hadnt known what i know now, i rebuke the thoughts i had as a child, the gnashing of teeth, in hell, and that, i dont want to end up there. AND? I think he's a bully. There's always been a man.. sigh.. tiresome.. voice over my shoulder harassing me.

WHAT I WANT: To be the Court leader of the Neutral guise. Or herd or pack or whatever. *LOL.*

What should my name be? Circe.

brendan used the word "blessed" in association with the amount of food we have. Im used to high quality meals, this is like, yuck, sort of. I wish I could remember shit, I want to give up. There are no plans, Im jsut saying "i want to" im tired of hurting, im tired of suffering, tired of aloneness, tired of rejection, maybe showing vulnerability will help? Why are men attacking me? Idk, i think they are scared of me.. Tbh. I will get my one desire, to be my true self. And theres nothing they can do about it." If " they try to mess it up, I have my ways.

{Wow, have the inkling of intimacy / u might be a d00d, on ur page, I MEAN, AMAB, and got scammers messaging me "hot photos" and shit lololol. Im too lazy to remove. if they're not a native English speaker, some of the messages are pretty funny...}

#targeted individual #mkultra #actually schizoaffective #schizophrenia #plague rat #emilie autumn #thought broadcasting #milabs

4 notes · View notes

soyboycorvid · 1 year

Text

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to view any form of social media algorithm in a positive light after watching what happened to my dad

I understand that to some degree he had a hand in the information being fed to him but I watched something terrifying happen to him

My dad suffered an extreme psychotic and delusional spiral last year and while I don’t blame the tiktok algorithm for it I certainly think it played a large hand in his spiral

Leading up to his big break, he had been almost obsessively watching videos about the matrix and simulation theory on tiktok, and the more he watched then the more it fed them to him. I was starting to get a little concerned when he started dropping hints in conversation that he maybe thought some higher being or circumstance was sending him “messages” through these videos.

But when he finally broke down and asked me if I thought he was delusional was when I really hit me full force. Over the course of a year or so I watched this man dig himself into a hole where he was constantly surrounding himself with tiktok creators who probably didn’t believe in the theories they were using for content, at least not to the extent my dad believed they were, who fed him these conspiracy theories point blank with no nuance or questioning. And the true toxicity of especially the tiktok algorithm became extremely clear to me

For my dad it was simulation theory and other adjacent topics, but that kind of pit could just as easily radicalize someone. Putting yourself in a content pit where it’s basically an echo chamber with no sort of disclaimer or counter information. Just the subject being presented sometimes as an abject truth. And it’s fucking scary.

It’s scary as someone who is mentally ill and has already had their fair share of experience with psychosis and delusion who had to watch their father succumb to it (though, there were External Factors which were unknown to me at the time that were rapidly pushing him further over the edge). I understand that there is responsibility on the user to curate a timeline of content but when you are CONSTANTLY being fed more and more conspiracy theories then it is extremely easy to fall victim to them, regardless of mental illness

Idk it’s late but I think about this all the time and feel like I have no one to talk about it with because I feel like no one will understand. I didn’t have much of an opinion before but after losing my dad last year and thinking about the circumstances surrounding his mental decline and death, I can’t help but be rubbed the wrong way by tiktok. It’s nice to see the haha funny tiktoks on other social media sites, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to actually personally use the app ever again.

And I was already kind of at that point!! I realized the content pit I was digging myself where I constantly felt like shit about myself because I was comparing myself to the people on my feed. Which, again, I have a responsibility to look out for myself and I did. That’s a me issue, not an anyone else issue and I had already gone to basically never using the app by the time all this happened. But the whole incident just amplified my feelings tenfold.

Point is- algorithms are fucking scary and if you don’t look out for your at-risk loved ones then they could very easily spiral due to the content pit they’re digging themself. Check in. Ask what they’re up to on the app and what kind of things they’ve been looking at on there. Not just to watch out for harmful delusions, but also to watch out for radicalization. Something similar happened with my brother when he was younger and watched a lot of YouTube. He was constantly being fed right-wing talking points and propaganda and never seeing anything else because the algorithm saw that he was watching that stuff a lot. (Thank the lord for my mother who was not having ANY of that shit. Her advice: watch the alt right playbook and find countersources but also make sure you’re critically watching the specific content being consumed if you can in order to deconstruct specific arguments. My brother used to come out to pick fights after watching Ben Shapiro or some shit and my mom would be locked and loaded ready to try and have a constructive conversation on what he feels and why he feels that way. Thank fuck she did that bc my brother was extremely close to being indoctrinated in the right wing as a middle schooler and now is honestly probably as far from the right wing as you can get. He thanks our mom for that a lot too)

this post is kinda long but I just needed to get this out somewhere, even if no one sees it. He had his issues and I have my trauma surrounding him, but ultimately I still loved my dad and I hated seeing what happened to him. I tried so hard to encourage him to get help but it was ultimately for nothing. In the end, his care team believed his delusions were reality and treated them as such which fueled him to believe them even more (I should also add for context: it was a lot more than just the matrix stuff but that gets really complicated and weird, as they not just involved but centered around my mom, but my dad believing we lived in the matrix/a simulation was really at the core of it).

Just be safe out there kids. Make sure you’re checking out and taking a break sometimes. Do something that makes you feel real or reminds you that there’s a beautiful world around us that is so much more than just a series of ones and zeroes. Try to expand the content you consume, especially on algorithm based social media (which I guess is pretty much all of them these days). Don’t be afraid to ask someone you love and trust for a reality check when you start to find yourself in that spiral. Please please critically consume your media and don’t take just everything at face value.

#kind of a vent I guess #idk I’m kind of intoxicated and it’s super late #and I’m pretty sure this big ass post is mostly incoherent and jumps around #but I think I got all the points I wanted to get out out??#maybe I’ll add more if I think of more #or maybe I’ll delete the post #we’ll see #delusion #psychosis #mental illness #tiktok #vent #what terrifies me even more #is that. at least to me. my dad wasn’t the kind of person to fall for this stuff #he was staunchly against right wing propoganda and understand critical thinking #as well as the idea of indoctrination through conspiracy theory #but I guess for most of his life he also really genuinely subscribed to a lot of them himself #and while I viewed it as just something interesting to learn about that I should keep a healthy distance from #apparently my dad did not view it that was #and I guess that’s just another fucked yo way of realizing that he wasn’t all I remember of him #*up not yo

3 notes · View notes

hospitalterrorizer · 2 months

Text

diary157

2/18-19/2024

sunday - monday

ate popcorn and feel kind of sick.

otherwise though, feeling good. working on the 2nd of the 2 problem songs rn, it's def getting there.

and now i think it's there. the other also feels 'there' even if it's just roughly.

i also just finished the gut thing i started last night, very cool.

the next one is gonna be kind of a doozy, i think, as well, so tomorrow i'll probably spend a long time on that, and then the next day, i have a monster, maybe i can drink that and do a bunch of something. i kind of hope i can put that energy to writing though.

also it is late and i kept saying i had to work in the morning tomorrow but that changed, it's now 6 pm to 9pm, which is better for me in every way, basically. it'll give me more time to do music before work and also keep the workout routine up w/o having to insert a weird rest day into it.

the 2nd trouble song, i feel like i want the guitars to have a little more high end, i'll try that now but i just wonder if that's part of what the saturating is doing..

it's an easy test/fix so it's nbd.

and yayy it sounds good.

and hopefully soon i can get my card situation squared away so i can order clothes from japan and then take a bunch of annoying + vain selfies in clothes that make me feel cute and not ugly or something.

speaking of clothes, i have this rlly tiny cardigan i love because it goes w/ everything as a nice layer when i can't figure anything else out, it's like a perfect piece of clothing, idk where it is, making me very very upset kind of. hopefully that turns up soon.

i think my hair will stop wigging me after like, one more day probably. i don't know why my bangs can give me such dysphoria lol it's dumb. i'm just so used to them being like, i guess the thing that makes me feel like i 'pass' i guess. idk. i don't know if that's true or not. i don't think so. it's not like they're gone, i've done this before, even, in the lifespan of the blog, and like, worse, even, for instance look at me when i gave myself this hair:

those are like, psychotic bangs, i'm not there rn, looking thru my selfies there's another pic of me w/ bangs that are kind of like where i'm at rn:

it's funny, in that one i took the selfie while my phone was super messed up so it died whenever it wasn't plugged in, and i was so like, dysphoric or whatever, idk what to call this even, saying it's 'dysphoria' seems not entirely accurate or whatever, but when i felt hideous and needed to capture like, myself not being ugly, i had to plug my phone in, in the bathroom, to do that. that's so embarrassing huh.

anyway, this whole stupid issue is making me look up how to blowdry bangs, which is something i do already, everyday, and know how to do basically, but i guess i'm just trying to get better so i don't make myself go coo coo every time i want to 'fix' my hair.

anyway look at me in akasaka, this was a fun time:

i remember, they had a bunch of harry potter stuff up here, cuz it's so big in japan, and we'd see people come up and look and get really excited, take pictures with it, it was very sweet, honestly, i'm glad that's a primary thing my mind goes to, thinking of harry potter, over anything else, it just pays to not be very invested in it.

i did another gut drawing thing, but it's sort of a practice run for another idea i guess, cuz i don't like the novel part of it, i wanna draw intestines getting cut, and the sinew holding / almost snapping, and stuff. that bit is harder to get right w/ pixels but i think tomorrow i could.

also, since i got paid, i have started looking at some other stupid things, like a digicam. thinking about getting a sony cybershot 8.1 megapixels (i think) (or 7.2), there's one for 30 bux on ebay rn (same w/ the 7.2 mp variant), seems cute and fun. might give me some cool options w/ photography stuff.

n - e wayzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, i need to sleep, it is 3:43 am and i do want to fix my sleep schedule at some point, it'd be good for me.

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1 note · View note

tabbytiger · 3 months

Text

Girlies I am so concern w my brain /rant

TL:DR My psychotic ass is going more crazy than it already was, and also dissociative amnesia needs to get off my dick because Its starting to become a danger.

I’m so glad I wrote down all the details i could remember from that near miss while I still could recall it bc that was yesterday and I can feel it’s already starting to fade away again.

Nobody honking or anything is really throwing me off bc now I’m sitting here like “Did it actually happen or did I make this up or was it a dream that I had?”

Like I’m going to forget it entirely again soon and theres nothing I can do about it.

I should be idk like going thru ptsd or something I quite literally was going to die. But I’m still sitting here feeling fine and normal, and I was fine and normal when it happened too. I don’t feel anything about it and thats really concerning me.

Instead of like being distraught over the near miss instead I cried in my car in a dmv parking lot for literally 4 hours because I was like “Why the fuck am I starting to lose days, weeks, months and even years.”

I’m not quite blacking out in the middle of a day or anything but I am only remembering bits and pieces of a day and I’m recalling things out of order. I’ve always dealt with dissociation but its never been quite this bad.

Also I’m just like. I don’t know what to believe because I have psychosis.

I’ve just been lying in bed with thoughts looping in my mind and it all looks like this:

Do I have Schizophrenia? What if this is a delusion? Maybe I just think I have it but I don’t and its making up false memories or something to go with it. Are all the stuff that I remember going through when I was a child real? Did I make that up too? If I already feel like I didn’t exist the previous days or weeks then how do I know it happened? I see that I typed out all these messages but I really feel disconnected from the person that wrote them even if that was me on that date and time.

I’m forgetting earlier points brought up literally minutes ago in a conversation, and I’m going in and out the whole time so I’m not even hearing the full thing. Its so bad that when before I would misplace like 1 thing and then find it later.

Now its like, me spinning in circles because i keep thinking about doing something while I’m actively doing something else and I’ll forget that I haven’t done what I was thinking of doing and believe that I did it only to run back downstairs because I indeed, did not do it.

Like the number of times I have left for work at 3:30am thinking and REMEMBERING that I actively put my key in, turning the lock, and locking the door, only to come back home 8 hours later to my dad telling me I didn’t lock the door.

My dad has also told me a handful of times before about something I apparently said but I don’t remember saying it in the way that he’s recalling it, and I’ll be like “I don’t remember saying that” and he’ll be like “whats wrong with you, that’s exactly what you said” but I’m suspicious that he’s making stuff up and maybe hes pulling one of his “not funny and hard to tell if he’s serious or not” jokes.

Though I’ve also had instances on VC with friends where I’ll apparently say something and forget that I said it, cuz they’ll be like “thats what you said you literally JUST said it” and I’ll be like “huh?? I don’t remember saying that” except my friends wouldn’t lie to me and try to make me think I did something I don’t remember doing so I’m just like “I can’t trust my own memory 🥴”

I was so distraught driving home I missed the 1st ramp to get on the highway, and I was actively fighting not to dissociate while driving I missed my exit and had to drive over the white lanes back into a lane. How I remembered getting home and getting there is a miracle at this point.

I think its definitely saying something if me almost dying have no effect on me, and when I think about if I had died I’m still apathetic and neutral. And part of that is also because I have been dying so much lately in my dreams (Sometimes I wake up confused because I thought that dream was real and actually happened) that I’m just like.

“Its okay If I did die, It’ll only hurt for a second, and I’ll feel regret, and then grief but then everything will be calm and all that would have happen would be that I just quietly drift off into the nothingness and It’ll be the most peaceful last thing I’ll remember.”

Like this happened recently and I deadass shot up in bed and I was so confused and disoriented I was literally making sure my body was there and that I could feel. Bc I was like “Did I reincarnate?? Did I reincarnate and very soon I’ll forget all of my past life and this is the last thought I’ll ever have of my old self?” but like no bitch its called waking up 🥴😭

#13 #AAAAA #I’m going crazy I’m actually going crazy #😭 this isn’t even mentioning my dumb ass delusions either #I haven’t had loud audio and more intense visually hallucinations in a while but now I’m worried they’re going to start happening #recently i had a dream that a cat was lying on me purring and I was petting it #And when I woke up I was still petting it and jt had move down to lying on my stomach #only for me to blink and it disapeared #I haven’t had a visual hallucination while actively concious since I was in 6th grade.#If I focus enough on it I’m also starting to hear disembodied whispering in audio or sounds #I’m hearing a thought or sound so loud in my head that it actually startles me bc it sounds like it went off next to my ear #Its getting hard fighting off me dissociating bc I keep goin in and out when im in public #And Im doing it a lot on vc too #nights have been okay for me for the past like several months #But now when I have a psychotic episode its super intense #its so intense to the point where while actively having a panic attack abt dying in my sleep #I’ll get so fucking stressed and panicked that even when im fighting drowsiness i’ll pass out #and I won’t remember passing out #dissociative amnesia #psychosis #tw: death mention #tw: unreality

1 note · View note

findroleplay · 6 months

Note

🕯️🕊️

Hello! Looking for a long term rp 18+ partner who wants to do any dead dove rps with me! OC × OC preferably since i have no clue on how to play cannon characters </3

- I mainly do mxm or mxftm , but i don't mind doing mxf either!! I mainly play ftm ocs but if that doesn't suit your fancy then i also have other ones.

-I normally play switch and dom roles, but i want to try writing more sub ocs for this rp. If you want to double or switch then Imk! Depending on the oc, ill let you know if i can.

- I write normally long replies, so semi-lit and novella based on my mood, so please don't just give me one sentence replies!!! ranging from 3 to 7 paragraphs. I’m not picky with face claims at all!

Some things in the rp might include religious trauma, substance abuse, mental illness, and more. Everything is on the table except for oviposition and bathroom stuff.

I really prefer darker themes (🕊️), so hit me with your ideas so we could do them and maybe we can do some of mine as well :3c

Some oddly specific plots/troupes ideas i've wanted to try out:

- Growing up in a strict place, and both our ocs are there to be eachothers comfort. Perhaps they grow up and run away together? Who knows 👀

-enemies to lovers

- Roommates to lovers. (This might also go with the semi-enemies to loves.

-childhood friends to lovers. Perhaps separated for some time and reunited?

Or grow up together and watch each other live but have to also see them get with others. But then realize they are meant to be

- royal au <33 (Royal × prince, royal × assassin, banished royal × [anything])

- Supernatural × investigator/ paranormal hunter/unlucky civilian

- bratty royal × normal working class citizen or something idk maybe even a BUTLER.. Or like someone to put the bratty mf in their place

- Haunted video game × player

- PIRATES?! I love pirates so much. l've

- asshole × nonasshole (goes along with the asshole)

- college student with a double life x professor (At a reasonable age)

-psychotic and deranged priest/diety/ demon x "sacrafice"

- Dancer x stalker (I would love to play the dancer in this pleaseee 🥲🥲)

And more we can discuss in dms! I prefer discord to rp, So if you're interested like and i'll work out the details in dms! I would love to make pin boards and headcannons for our ocs!! Have a good day/night!

like if interested! <3

-

#roleplay #rp #original rp #oc rp #fandomless rp #mxm rp

9 notes · View notes

darkdoverpseeker · 7 months