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ack3rlady · 3 years

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In A Perfect World - Part 1

Summary:

“And with that, I want to give you this ring that once belonged to my mother, with a promise that that you will never have to face this world alone.”

Leaving you a series of letters to cope with his death, Erwin kept the promise he made to you...the implausible promise of forever and beyond.

Concept inspired by the novel 'P.S. I Love you' by Cecelia Ahern.

Notes: Erwin Smith x Reader, Angst/Comfort, Fluff, Character death, Swearing, Set in the aftermath of the Battle of Shiganshina - So spoilers for S3

Word Count: ~5.9k

One | Two

Master List

Tags: @red-n-tall @ibimyeon @artistgoudeau @erasingonce @erwinzacharias @machinegunkellies @emmysmith @spiritusdei @maryaeger @devilslover666 @saysuchwonderfulthings; anyone who would like to be added/removed, please let me know!

Song rec - Dancing With Your Ghost - Sasha Alex Sloan 🎵

“You’ve fought well. It's all thanks to you we’ve come this far. I’m making the choice. Give up on your dreams and die. Lead the recruits straight into hell. I will take down the beast titan.”

The walk towards death seemed unusually long. The blood-stained debris of the boulders showered upon the troops by the beast crunched beneath his feet as he made his way to the remaining unsuspecting recruits to command them to dedicate their hearts one last time.

“Levi, there’s one last thing.”, Commander Erwin stopped in his tracks. He reached into the concealed pocket of his tan leather jacket and turned to hold out a bunch of keys before the captain. “I need you to keep these safe. The large one is a key to my quarters, and the small one belongs to the bottom right drawer of my desk.”

“Tch. You have got some nerve giving me paperwork duties right now, Erwin.”, Levi deadpanned at the ridiculousness the blonde man was exhibiting during his final moments.

“No, it's not that. The drawer, it contains letters. Letters I wrote for her. I need you to give them to her starting from the day after my funeral. I trust that you will be there for her when I am gone.”, Erwin’s gaze was locked on the ground.

“And what good is that going to do for her?”, Levi asked, taking the keys from him.

“I don’t know. Consider it another one of my selfish deeds. I knew that this day would come sooner or later. I have made peace with never witnessing the fulfillment my lifelong dream. But I’m not ready to say goodbye to her just yet.”

The captain stared at the brass keys in his hands, shimmering underneath the harsh Sun, and then at his Commander marching to his eternal damnation with his head held high.

Five months ago, Year 850.

The trots of your mare echoed through the dark and empty streets as you zoomed past a row of houses. Your cloak flapped with the wind, as did your hair. Your flared nostrils, deadly glare and gritted teeth could be spotted from a mile away.

“Did I do something wrong?”, a worried voice called out. Erwin trailed a few feet behind atop his stallion, clueless about why he was suddenly invisible to you.

The pair of you were returning from another ludicrous feast hosted by the Royal family. Most Survey Corps gave it a slip and were back at the headquarters due to the current situation. Things were strained after the revelation of the titan-shifter, Eren Yaeger, and the regiment was laying low. But they needed funds, and events like this feast were the only place to butter up upperclassmen with heavy pockets.

Levi never bothered to show up, given his passionate contempt for the scum that generally attended such lavish evenings. But even Hange, Moblit, Miche and the other veterans were ordered to evade the evening by the Commander owing to rising tensions, making himself and you the only faces representing the Survey Corps.

The banquet, as always, had been dull. Your excitement for having the rare opportunity to dress well and look presentable died an instant death the moment you entered the hall. The stares of entitled perverted men boring holes into your body, the snooty glances from the worthless hoity-toity women, and the Herculean task of holding a conversation with the moronic members of the royal government for more than thirty seconds, were weighing you down.

With a loud exhale and your last remaining brain cells, you searched through the dense crowd for a familiar tall blonde male with charming azure eyes. You spotted him at the far end of the massive hall, immersed in an exchange with a man whose bald head shone like the moon under the bright chandeliers.

Erwin looked handsome as always – standing tall, his face exuding confidence, honey blonde hair parted at the side and neatly set, revealing a darker undercut, the deep olive-green coat fitting his broad muscular frame like a glove, and a pleasant smile directed towards the man before him.

Weaving through the horde you made your way in his direction, blatantly ignoring anyone who tried to strike up a conversation. You had had enough for the night.

Erwin’s gaze shifted from his comrade towards you as you moved closer, eyeing your approaching figure from head to toe. He took a sip of red wine from his glass while silently admiring how exquisite you looked tonight. Having lost his attention, his colleague turned to you as well, both men looking impressed by what they were seeing.

You wore a sequined maroon gown, quite matching the drink in Erwin’s hand, and styled your hair in an intricate fishtail braid that cascaded down your left shoulder. Crystal earrings dangled from your lobes mirroring the intricate chandeliers above. The neck of the gown was shaped like a V and sat right above your cleavage, revealing just enough to leave most things to imagination. The back was low, plunging down to the small of your back, allowing the battle scars you collected over years of service to be proudly shown off. The gown hugged every inch of your body and fluidly trailed behind as you strutted towards the pair.

“Ahh! If it isn't the lady of the evening.”, Commander General Dot Pyxis held his hand out.

“Hardly. Sir, a pleasure to see you as always.”, you beamed, situating yourself beside Erwin and placing a hand into Pyxis’ that he politely kissed.

“How has your evening been? I can’t imagine it was pleasant, given the company you were with up until a few minutes ago.”

“You’re absolutely right. I will quite literally pop a vein if I must endure another minute of talking to or about those pigs again. What were you busy conversing about?”, you buried your face into the glass of wine that one of the numerous attendants offered to you.

At that, Pyxis playfully slapped Erwin’s shoulder, “Well, Smith here was telling me how you are solely responsible for him finally accepting domestic bliss.”

“Oh?”

“Well, everyone who knows Erwin was quite shocked when the news of your nuptials made it through the walls. We were curious about the woman who was finally able to tie him down. I have tried convincing him to embrace family life on multiple occasions, but it was like talking to a wall thicker than the ones around us. I, for one, was not at all surprised when it turned out to be you. Only you had the power to change this man’s mind!”, the older man grinned, his teeth peeking through the bushy mustache.

“I may be the commander, but this lady right here is my commandress.”, Erwin chimed in.

"Tie him down, huh? Yes, the commandress had to knock him out cold and stuff him in a carriage to get him to marry her. Isn’t that right, love?”, you feigned a smile and excused yourself, briefly glaring at Erwin before storming out.

Coming to a halt outside the stables, you alighted from your mare and handed over her reins to the scout that was on duty. You caressed her mane, wished her and the scout a good night before charging towards the main building with Erwin following suit in silence. He ceased questioning you about your sullenness to avoid uninvited attention from the few scouts who worked night shifts doing various chores in and around the headquarters.

“Will you please tell me what is wrong? You haven't said a word in the three hours we rode here for. How do you expect me to rectify this situation if you won't reveal the reason behind your outburst?”, he finally began after locking the door to your room.

“Outburst?", you hurled the chunky bracelet off your hand at him, which he swiftly caught, "Erwin, why does everyone think that I compelled you to marry me? As if I held a blade to your neck to get you to make me your wife?”

“Is that what this is about, love?”, he calmly tried to make his way over to you.

Tried.

You were sure that you saw his lips upturned into the smallest smirk for a fraction of a moment, irking you further. He always maintained that rage looked adorable on you.

“Stop patronizing me with your calm tone and your smug face, Erwin!", you flinched away from him; your glare so menacing that he would be six feet under if looks could kill. "Pyxis was not the first person to raise that question tonight. Did you not want this? I was under the impression that we made a mutual decision, did we not? In fact, you are the one who begged me to marry you, despite denouncing the idea of commitment for years. And now I’m the one who ‘tied you down’?”

“We have talked about this hundreds of times. You are reading in between lines that don’t even exist. He is just happy for me, for us! You are everything I ever needed, my love, and I could not consider myself any luckier. You should know that well by now.”, Erwin cooed, bringing a defeated you to his chest, holding you in a secure embrace.

“Erwin?”

“Hm?”

“I’m not everything you ever needed. There’s one more thing.”

“And what would that be, love?”

"That fucking basement.”

A deep chuckle made his chest quake against your cheek as you both soaked in each other's warmth. You inhaled deeply as you nuzzled your face deeper into him and hummed. The fragrance of his oud cologne with a tinge of spicy cinnamon turned your joints into jelly and you melted in his arms.

“Hmm... I love you, Lady Smith.”

“I love you too.”

Present – Year 850

The sun was plummeting beyond the walls, painting the sky’s canvas with deep hues of pink, orange, and purple. You lay on the roof of the headquarters, a secret spot only a few knew about, gazing up into the infinity. Your left hand was folded underneath your head, and the right one rubbed soft circles on the knuckles of Hange’s fingers intertwined in it.

“We’ll get through this, okay?”, they whispered lightly squeezing your hand.

All you could do was blink away the tears and nod. A few agonizing days went by since the nine remaining members of the survey corps returned. Your life was turned upside down when the one person who meant the world to you was not among them. After years of learning to live everyday like it was your last, nothing could prepare you for your worst fear becoming reality.

You cursed the day when you reluctantly accepted Erwin’s decision of excluding you from the mission to reclaim Wall Maria, after putting up a lengthy fight. The severe injuries you sustained when the cavern under Reiss Chapel collapsed led him to deem you unfit for the mission. But it could not be more obvious that it was your husband who made that choice, not your commander – a man well known for his rectitude had finally let his emotions affect his duties.

“Hange, do you think Erwin would have married me if Trost hadn’t happened?”, you asked, not really knowing why. Did you really want to know the answer to this question?

“Why are you bringing this up now?”

“Because as much as it hurts to admit, I don’t think he would. The decision didn’t seem like one that the astute Erwin Smith I always knew would make.”

“Well, if you really want my opinion, I think he would. If not then, then eventually. I spent enough time with him to know how crazy he was about you.”, they smiled, but their demeanor softened at your lack of reaction.

“You know how chaotic things were in those months after Trost. The stress may have caused him to make a questionable decision. The man was hanging on by a thread. And that thread was you! But he never once regretted marrying you, not even on his worst days. Don’t contaminate your memories of him with these seeds of doubt, okay?”

They were right. There really was no point in dwelling over your insecurities. With a long shaky sigh, you bid Hange goodnight and parted ways with them to head to your respective quarters.

Emerging from the stairwell, a blonde boy with a mop-like head and a man with a dark undercut caught your attention; and it seemed like you caught theirs too. The two were immersed in a quiet conversation in the hallway across the courtyard before being interrupted by your presence. The shorter man curtly nodded and disappeared into his office, while the younger boy skedaddled in panic, desperately steering clear of your path. Levi and Armin had been avoiding you like the plague since their return.

You were aware of the events that took place in Shiganshina after the battle, courtesy of Hange. So, their behavior was no surprise. But you were not bitter like they assumed you to be, definitely not at Armin. The poor boy did not have a say in the decision and was evidently suffering from a horrendous survivor’s guilt.

And you had known Levi ever since he joined the Corps six years ago. He was one of your best friends and you trusted him with making an informed decision backed by a compelling reason. Finding it out was not a priority just yet. The wounds were too fresh.

Making a mental note to eventually address the two, you continued your journey in the direction of the place you had been evading all day.

When you finally entered Erwin’s office, every inch of your body was overwhelmed by memories of him. The lingering aroma of his cologne, the numerous books lined on shelves that he loved to read, a giant map laid out on his desk from the brainstorming session right before leaving for battle, the ink pot and quill he last used, half melted candles from burning the midnight oil, his phonograph sitting by the window, all starting to appear dusty. His green cloak was neatly draped around the back of his chair, just like he left it before his final departure. You could almost picture him at his usual spot, immersed in paperwork. Your sinuses were stinging, tears beginning to escape from the corners of your eyes.

So, you did what you had been doing every night since that fateful day– placed one of his treasured records on the turntable, put the needle to it and cranked up the phonograph. As it began to emanate melodious tunes, you plopped yourself on Erwin’s chair, wrapped his cloak around yourself and deeply inhaled whatever was left of his scent, wishing it would somehow bring him back to you. You wept into its warm comfort as exhaustion finally took over and the sweet clutches of slumber tightened their grip around you, transporting you to the only place you hoped to see him again – your dreams.

Your eyes were glued to the dark wooden floors of the mess hall. A few days after the funeral at Mitras, you invited Erwin’s close friends, comrades, and acquaintances to the headquarters for an evening together as an ode to him.

The military chefs had prepared their old commander’s favorite dishes after a generous donation from Flegel Reeves. Platters of pork tenderloin braised in herby red wine with garlic and herb roasted potatoes, and bread pudding graced every table along with a selection of spirits.

Classical music echoed through the large room, and many of his near and dear ones including Nile Dok, Dot Pyxis, and Hange made toasts in his memory. It was endearing to hear how cherished and respected he was as you sat sniffling at a table with Hange and Levi, frequently wiping the tears leaving your distant eyes. Your head rested on Hange’s shoulder and theirs rested on yours as you both missed the men you loved and lost.

A sense of unease was growing heavier in your stomach. It became painful to breathe as your eyes kept returning to Erwins portrait propped up on a table by the window that continued to smile at you; the harsh new reality of his eternal absence taking root in your mind.

From now on, you wouldn’t find his bright blue eyes beaming at your presence every time you’d enter a room; there wouldn’t be a warm kiss waiting for you when you returned to your quarters after spending long hours at work; the comfort of his strong arms would forever be lost; the friendly banters about battle strategies or life outside the walls over tea in the evenings would cease; you would never wake up to his beautiful smile again.

The bile in your stomach was on the rise. You were unsure whether the nausea was a result of the ugly truth or the drinks you downed on an empty stomach. You darted towards what you incorrectly recognized as the nearest restroom and ended up inside the pantry. Heaving while sprawled on a crate, you tried to push back the rancid upchuck that threatened to leave your body. Instead, the floodgates to your eyes gave way. You silently wept into your hands, as the world outside continued to go by. What wouldn’t you give for Erwin to walk into that room right now and engulf you into an embrace!

“Oi! I hope you're not taking a shit, because that is not a toilet you are sitting on.”, a cold, flat voice startled you.

In fact, it was contrary to the affectionate, syrupy one that you longed to hear. You looked up in confusion to see Levi’s head peeking through the door, his eyes peering at your almost fetal posture.

“Ahh, the ever-gracious Captain Levi. Thank you for your concern, but I’m not nearly drunk enough to mistake a crate for a toilet. Please close the door before someone spots me.”, you tried to maintain a stoic face, but failed to suppress the rattle in your voice.

He stepped inside, closing the door behind him, launching a few moments of excruciating silence; two pairs of eyes glancing at random things scattered around the small enclosure. Suddenly a jar of dried lentils was the most interesting object you had ever seen. This was the first time you were in the same room as him since his return.

You had been close friends for years, with you being one of the first people besides Hange to befriend him after Isabel and Furlan died. While most of the regiment kept their distance from the man because of his background or his crude mannerisms, his quirks never offended you. You were intrigued by them. You even mirrored them, making you one of one of the few people he was comfortable being himself around. But all that history was long forgotten after the recent events.

“You look like crap.”, he finally spoke.

You shook your head in disbelief. You usually found his crassness amusing, but not right now.

“Have you ever been in love, Levi?”, you sighed; wiping the residual tears off your cheeks.

“Once.”, he responded, taken aback by his own candor. He was obviously done drinking for the night.

“Oh. And did you lose her?”, you unsuccessfully tried to hide your surprise.

“Never had her. She belonged with someone else.”, he was starting to panic at the effects of liquid courage.

“What? Who?”

“It’s none of your business.”

“Well, the love of my life just died and left me in shambles. I think that has earned me the right to look like crap, Levi.”, you sank into a sack of rice, fingers fiddling with its frizzy jute strings.

Levi had never felt this uncomfortable in the entirety of his existence. He had no experience in dealing with his own emotions, let alone the emotions of the grieving widow of the man whose death he felt responsible for. Should he try to comfort you? You would probably reject him. But he could not just leave you there. He was desperate to remove himself from this situation, feeling almost claustrophobic.

“Should I bring Hange? They’ll only be of as much help as a pissing insect since they’re slouched over a table as we speak.”, he mused.

“No. I was actually about to head back. If I hear one more pathetic condolence, I will willingly jump off to the other side of Maria. Help me take them back safely, will you?”, you asked as you fixed your appearance the best you could and got up to leave.

The two of you supported Hange’s wobbling body from either side as you walked them to their room. Unaddressed grief and the burden of new responsibilities combined with alcohol had reduced them to a mumbling mess. It was like tucking a high-strung toddler into bed. You and Levi sat by their side till they eventually drifted off to sleep.

He held the door open as you walked out of their room. He was in the middle of breathing a sigh of relief at the end of the long ordeal when you turned around, making him freeze mid-exhale -

“Levi, I think you and I are due for a conversation. Tomorrow?”

He nodded; his face impassive but heart racing. He stifled his shudder at the tone of your voice. Even the toughest of underground heists did not intimidate him this way. What was it about you?

Wishing him a good night, you retired to your quarters to follow your nightly routine of falling asleep to soothing symphonies at your departed love’s desk.

Sleepy Eyes fluttered open to nothing but vast blue sky before them, littered with cottony tufts of clouds. You narrowed them into slits, trying to adjust to the dazzling daylight. Your body immensely relaxed upon taking in a deep whiff of the air that was fresh, cool, and laced with a sweet fragrance of something you couldn’t exactly pinpoint. A sea of purple flooded your vision when you propped yourself up on your elbows in an attempt to get a better look at your surroundings.

You were lying in the middle of a lavender field, lush and aromatic, spreading as far as your eyes could see; no walls or buildings in sight. All that stood before you were a lone Sycamore tree, the silhouette standing under it and a glorious white stallion galloping across the infinite expanse.

‘Is this heaven?’

You lowered your gaze upon yourself, analyzing your body that looked much different from what you always saw. Your skin was devoid of all scars, smooth and supple like a peach. Your usual deep green uniform coat had been swapped for a pristine white dress that swayed with the gentle wafts of breeze. Your feet were bare, brushing against the windswept shrubs while you wondered where you were. Memories of having been in this exact place before began to sprout in your hazy mind.

You slowly approached the sprawling tree, its branches reaching for the sky. It was bursting with life, alive with the sweet chirps of birds, some of its rustling leaves floating away with the wind without a care in the world. With a deep inhale, you filled your lungs with the sweet yet peppery aroma of the lilac spice.

You froze in your tracks when the blurry figure became clear as you got closer to your destination.

“Erwin?”

Your breath was rendered shaky, eyes instantly filled to the brim with tears. The man you missed profoundly was standing right before you, just a few feet away – tall and genial, beaming at you with the smile that you had begun to forget. His handsome features were devoid of the stress that had battered them over the last few years, making him seem much younger than you remembered. His unchanged sapphire eyes still held the world in them. He looked happy, and well rested. The sight was like cool water for your parched eyes.

“Hello, Lady Smith!”, he said cheerfully.

You sprinted towards him and practically flew into his open arms, burying yourself into his embrace, feeling the familiar warmth of his body, hearing the steady beats of his heart. He firmly held your body that was now limp against his from the overwhelming flood of emotions.

How much had you missed this!

You wept into his airy white shirt feeling the strong muscles of his chest against your cheek, of his breaths tickling your skin, how his smooth golden hair felt around your fingers, how it felt to be safe in his arms, like nothing or no one could ever harm you.

You felt his fingers on your cheeks, gently wiping away the tears, and then on your scalp, softly massaging the skin and running through the loose strands of your hair as he peppered your face with kisses, a feeling that calmed you down on numerous nights before. This was it. If you died at this very moment, you would have died a happy and content person. This was everything you needed, everything you longed for, what you spent many nights crying yourself to sleep for.

“Erwin, I knew you were still here.”, you breathed,

“Where else would I go? I’m right here, always by your side.”

“I miss you so much.”

“I miss you too, love.”

It had been hours since the evening ended. The mess hall was squeaky clean; giving no indication of the affair that had just occurred there. The hallways sat deserted; with everyone having crashed after a night of delectable food and bittersweet intoxication. The door to Erwin’s office slowly creaked open. Sterling eyes peeked in and analyzed what lay within.

Faint rays of light from the lamps in the hallway dimly illuminated the space where the captain had spent a multitude of hours working with his commander. Everything inside looked untouched, stagnant almost. His eyes widened when they fell on the figure that had wilted into his comrade’s chair, faint sounds of rhythmic breaths filling the quiet, cold air. It was not unusual for Erwin to snooze at his desk, but this time he had been replaced by his other half.

The crescent moon shone like a silver claw in the sky, casting deep shadows on your features. A surge of guilt and pity washed over Levi as he watched you sleep, figuratively enveloped in the warmth of your husband’s embrace, incoherent mumbles escaping your lips. That cloak could have been an actual human, and the frown on your face would instead be a content smile if he had done things differently.

‘That cannot possibly be comfortable.’, he thought, running his gaze over your form.

He was roused from his reverie by the creaking of the chair you were settled on when you shuffled. Frozen in place, eyes wide, breathing paused, he was ready to be told off for being here without permission. But you only nuzzled your face further into the deep green cloak and fell right back to sleep.

Levi was a man on a mission. He needed to get to that drawer. But you were in his way. He was going to have to risk it – he had no other choice. He creeped towards you with nimble steps. His heart took another dagger at the sight of the slender streams of tears on your face that glimmered in the dim radiance of the room. He hesitantly wiped them away, terrified that his actions would wake you up.

With one arm around your waist and the other under your knees, he picked you up at a painfully slow pace to avoid breaking your slumber. As he carried you to the adjoining bedroom, you hummed in your sleep with a smile and laid your head on his chest.

“Erwin, I knew you were still here.”, you breathed.

Your dazed words tugged at the strings of Levi’s heart hard enough to shatter them. He gingerly laid your languid body on the bed and covered it with a blanket, watching you curl into its comfort. With calloused fingers, he tucked away stray stands of hair behind your ears. He could not take his eyes off your face. He deplored the series of events that led to this, his hatred for the beast heightening much further.

He rapidly shook his head. This was not the time to spiral out of control. He had the rest of the night to do that. First, he needed to fulfill the wish of his friend.

You stirred in your sleep when there was a knock at the door.

“Erwin, can you get that, love?”, you sheepishly spoke into the pillow, reaching over to his side of the bed with one arm.

It felt like he was right there, asleep beside you; the warmth from the blanket reminiscent of the cool mornings when you blissfully woke up to his drowsy face, his pointy nose nudging into your cheeks when he routinely kissed you before starting the day.

“Are you up? It's Hange. I brought breakfast!”, the visitor announced from the other side followed by a few more knocks.

You jolted awake, slightly shaken by the few seconds of oblivious comfort in between slumber and consciousness, and watched your hand lay flat on the vacant mattress. Just like the last few days, you had fallen asleep on Erwin’s chair with his cloak wrapped around you. Well, that is what you remembered doing.

But this morning you woke up in your bedroom wrapped snugly in a duvet – a place you had not slept in since Erwin’s passing fearing this very moment. You propped yourself against the headboard and squinted with knitted brows wondering when and how you got there.

“Uh- Coming!”, you stumbled out of bed after another series of knocks. “Hange, you are the commander now. I’m sure you have more important things to do than to bring me breakfast every morning.”

“Nothing beats the few minutes of calm I get to spend with you before beginning my day. You know how stressful work has been!”, they beamed when you finally let them inside.

They placed the platter on the desk and took a seat on one of the visitor chairs while you plopped yourself down on Erwin’s. The loud rumbling of your stomach was a stark reminder that you had not eaten since yesterday’s lunch. Rubbing your hands together, you glossed over the spread. As per usual they brought you a slice of toast, a bowl of porridge, tea, and fruits.

That is when you realized that something was amiss. The desk– it was clear; the dust, the map, the quill, and ink pot were nowhere to be seen. A singular envelope sat on it besides the tray of breakfast. You then surveyed the entire office, and it was spotless. Was someone in here last night?

“Besides, Shorty delayed our meeting this morning because he needed to run errands.”, they added, interrupting your train of thought.

Before you could respond, your eyes fell on the immaculate calligraphy on the envelope in the center of the table. Your heart stopped when you picked it up to get a closer look. Mouth agape, eyes wide, your hands began to tremble upon recognizing the familiar scrawl that he had skillfully perfected in no time after losing his dominant hand. Written on the envelope was a name only one person knew to call you by -

Lady Smith

“Did you do this?”, you hissed; bloodshot eyes firing a death stare at Hange, only to receive a bewildered one in return.

You were not sure why you lashed out at them. They obviously didn’t know of the nickname Erwin affectionately referred to you by behind closed doors. You couldn’t believe what you held before your eyes, your mind desperately trying to make sense out of the situation.

“No, it was here before I placed the tray. What is it?”, they moved from their seat to stand behind you and read the text on the envelope over your shoulder.

“Erwin - “, you croaked. Clearing your throat, you began again, “Erwin used to call me Lady Smith.”

“What? But how... who... is this some cruel joke? I can dispose it off for you. Uh- Unless you want to open it.”, they fumbled, hands firmly placed on your shoulders.

“It looks exactly like his handwriting. I guess I’ll take a look at what's inside.”, You slid a knife under the flap and opened it to find a neatly folded parchment within.

Taking a deep breath, you unfurled it with shaky fingers; tears instantly beginning to shed upon seeing the polished cursive script -

My love,

I do not have much time to write this. You just stormed out of my office after I forbade you from traveling to Shiganshina, and I am sure you will be returning any moment with all guns blazing.

First off, my apologies for alarming you. I know you were not expecting to be reading this in the wildest of your dreams.

I wrote various versions of this letter before every expedition since Wall Maria fell. Fortunately, I was able to come back home each time to discard them. The fact that you are reading this means I was not so lucky this time.

My love, I may have said these words many times before, but I want to repeat them so you can feel just a little better during this solemn time...

Thank you.

Thank you for making my life beautiful, for supporting my dream, for loving me despite my flaws, for saving me from plunging into the bottomless abyss of my duties time and again, for bringing your light into the darkness of my being.

I am infinitely grateful for the day I decided to set aside my adamant beliefs and tell you how I feel. I may have numerous regrets, my love, but I am certain that marrying you is the one thing I did right.

I realize that you must be going through a hard time. Walls know I would be devastated if our positions were reversed. I am sure you are much stronger than I would have been if you were gone, but I know this isn’t easy. So, to soften this struggle, I have something in store for you -

Let's jog your memory, shall we? Do you remember when you attempted to learn Levi’s assault technique? You gave up too soon after a mishap. I want you to begin training again and master it at once.

No, don’t whine!

I am confident that if anyone apart from him can do it, it is you. I believe in you, just like you believed in me.

Just ask Levi for help. If he refuses, make it known that it is my order. He will not be surprised in the slightest to be haunted by his old commander from beyond the grave.

You will receive two more letters from me in the future. Don’t try to find out when or how, because I know you are too smart for your own good. So, just go with it, okay?

I want you to know that wherever I am, I miss you dearly. And I will be with you every step of the way.

I love you, my commandress.

Yours for all of eternity,

Erwin

Inspiration for dream Erwin :')

One | Two

#erwin smith x reader #erwin smith #erwin x reader #commander erwin #erwin angst #levi ackerman x reader #attack on titan #snk #shingeki no kyojin #aot fic

202 notes · View notes

machinegunbun · 3 years

Text

Deserved It II+

Word count: 1.1k

Warnings: angst, mentions of cheating

Req?: highly, but not by one specific person

“If you don’t tell him tonight I am.”

Colson had come over to yours and Pete's apartment, it was framed as a simple dinner, but you should’ve known there would’ve been alterior motive at hand.

“Nothing happened.”

He hadn’t let up since the night it happened. To be fair, neither had you. You laid awake at night next to Pete, watching as he slept and wondering if maybe something had happened. Wondering what he might do if he found out. The only thing you knew for sure was that you couldn’t let Colson be the one to tell him, that’d only make it worse.

“So tell him what didn’t happen, then.”

“There's no need to start unnecessary drama.”

“Drama about what?” Pete asks. You both went silent, your heads bowed in shame. What was with these boys and walking in at just the wrong time.

~*~*~

“It’s nothing.” You say, Pete laughed a bit at that, glancing between the two of you before his face dropped again.

“You guys seriously aren't gonna tell me?” He says, the hurt showing through his voice. You were the two people in his life he considered himself to be closest to, his bestfriends, and you were keeping something from him?

“It’s really not a big deal.”

“So tell me.” Pete presses, Colson lets out a little “ha!” you glare over at him in response.

“You were in your dressing room.” Colson started for you

“And Shawn came in.” You continued reluctantly

“Shawn… mendes?” Pete asked, you nodded in response “What did he want?”

“I dunno. He comes in and starts talking to me about his mom and his sister,” and then we sat on the couch and stared into eachothers eyes like we hadn’t since the early part of our relationship, and I felt something. And maybe that wasn’t nothing, maybe Colson was right, maybe I should tell him. “and then Colson walked in.”

“On what?”

“Us talking.” and...

“On the couch. Alone. In her dressing room.” Colson adds

“That's it?” Pete asks, receiving quiet nods in response “So what's the problem?”

“There isn’t one. It’s nothing.” You insist

“That's bullshit. It wasn’t just talking. You were staring at each other when I walked in and you were going to kiss if I hadn’t.” Colson argues

“I was not about to kiss him.” Who were you convincing

“I know what I saw.”

“Nothing happened.”

“That’s bullshit, I walked in and you followed after me to tell me nothing happened without me even saying anything. You know what happened.”

“I never would’ve kissed him!” You yelled, entirely fed up with the situation

“But you wanted to!” Colson shouts back

Dear god, more silence.

“Is that true?” Pete asks, looking at you

“No.”

“Then say it.” He prods

“Say what?” You ask, clearly avoiding answering him

“Say you didn’t want to kiss him.”

“I didn’t wanna kiss him.” You mumble, eyes trained on the floor.

“Look me in the eye and tell me.”

“Pete, you know i'm not good at eye contact.”

“It shouldn’t be a problem if you aren’t lying.” Try as you might, you couldn’t bring yourself to do it, everyone knew it wasn’t just because you were bad at keeping eye contact. Colson shook his head, taking a seat on one of the stools as he lit a blunt.

“Fucking ridiculous.” Colson mumbles, smoke escaping from his mouth as he does so

“Colson, can you just- can you go sit in the hallway for a bit.” Pete asks, looking over to him and watching as he made his way out of the apartment. You walked over to the couch, the weight in your chest feeling like it was pulling you down, sitting to get some sense of relief. Pete came to sit next to you, leaving more space than usual.

“Nothing happened.” You stated again

“That wasn’t the question. Did you want it to?” It took you a moment to respond

“No, I don’t want him. I want you. You’re all I want.” You found that the words came easier without the audience, but Pete only nodded in response, putting an arm around you and pulling you closer, allowing you to bury your face in his neck.

“It’s okay.” He comforted, although he knew it wasn’t, but he couldn’t stand to see you cry.

“I'm sorry.”

“So what really happened?”

“Nothing.”

“Then why do you keep apologizing?” You went silent for a moment, thinking of how to phrase your next words.

“I don’t want him, I don’t miss him, but… seeing him there was weird. It reminded me of what we used to have, and I guess I missed a time before…”

“Me.” Pete completed

“No. Not at all. Just- The break up happened so abruptly. I thought we were gonna get married. I had all these people who I cared so deeply about and who I thought cared about me and they all left when he did. After we broke up I started doing drugs, I mean, I can never drink again in my life, because after we broke up I lost my mind and I drank too much. It was weird to look back and see something so similar to what I have now. Especially when it feels so different.” Pete remained quiet, his arm wrapped around you. You stayed like that for a few minutes, letting the silence wash over you as you searched for what to say next.

“You think I don’t miss a time before millions of people hated me? You think it didn’t hurt like shit when I lost my fiance? Of course it hurt, but it doesn’t matter to me anymore because it’s how I got you. You made me feel like a piece of shit, like I didn’t love you enough, constantly telling me that there was no way I could ever love you like I loved Ari and you acted like I resented you or something for not being more like her. But I never looked at any other girl that way once I met you. None. Then, I mean, just seeing him, sitting next to him, made something happen, be it physical or mental, that scared you so badly that you refused to tell me for who knows how long.” Pete said, looking at you with tears in his eyes “That doesn’t feel like nothing.” He began pulling away, taking his arm out from under you as he raised to a sitting position.

“Pete.” you said simply, wishing him to come back to your cuddling position.

“I think I’m gonna stay with Colson tonight.” you dazed out for a moment, the shock washing over you, and when you came back his hand was already on the door handle.

“Wait,” You call out, pulling yourself up to look over the couch “are we okay?”

“Dunno.” He says before shrugging and walking out into the hallway, the door shutting behind him and leaving you with the dinner in the oven and anxious thoughts flooding your mind.

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machinegunbun · 3 years

Text

Deserved It+

Word count:871

Req?: No

TW?: Don’t think so

A/N: This isn’t the aforementioned freaky fic, but I decided to post this one first bc I j love it ugh. Tell me if you want a part 2

~*~*~

Your bland reflection stared back at you as you began to wonder if it was time to cut or dye your hair,

The thought was quickly cut short, a face appearing behind your own in the mirror tearing you away from your thoughts. While you weren’t particularly happy to see your ex standing in your doorway, you were still grateful for the distraction. Masking your dread, you turn around in your seat, giving him a polite smile.

“Hey, how have you been? It’s been awhile.”

“I’ve been good. It has, hasn’t it?” You said, taking a moment to fully register the time that had passed for the first time.

“Haven’t seen you since-” His sentence cut itself short, acknowledging the awkwardness of the situation.

“Since you cheated on me with Camila…” You say, finishing his sentence for him, not yet ready to let him forget what he had done to you.

“Yeah… I just came by to say hi,” a brief silence as you wonder why he's still here if that’s all he needed to say “So, how are you and Peter?”

“Pete. We’re good.”

“Oh, good. That’s good.” another brief silence “what’s up with you and guys named Peter huh?” He said, referring to his middle name, his joke falling flat. You hummed a small smile in response, not wanting it to be awkward.

“Eh, Aaliyah got a boyfriend.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, s’weird. She still talks about you sometimes. They all do, really.” He continued, taking a seat on the brown leather couch that took up the majority of the room in the corner to your left. You didn’t understand why they’d placed it in here, or why it’s short legs caused it to be so low to the ground, or why your ex was sitting on it and reminding you of all the people you thought had stopped caring about you when he did.

No, that wasn’t a fair argument to make. You figured he had stopped caring about you long before you swept up what was left of your pride, packed your things and left him and everyone he knew. You could barely believe that the people not two years ago you considered some of your closest friends were now practically complete strangers, including the boy sat on the couch beside you.

“Wow… seriously? I never would’ve guessed. They seemed to be taking pretty well to Camila, considering.” There was a flash of recognition in his eyes, followed by a nod.

“Yeah. I mean, they’re my family, what were they supposed to do?” You shook your head in response, pushing yourself up off your chair to take a seat next to him on the couch. It was silent for a moment, your eyes meeting one another. You couldn’t help but stare deeply into them, it had been so long since you had the chance to admire how far on they seemed to go. His eyes had always been one of your favorite things about him, coming in second to that beautiful head of hair. He had grown it out quite a bit since the last time you saw him, the overgrown curls partially covering his face. There was an involuntary yearning in your chest as your eyes swept over his tattooed hands, memories of the past flooding your mind, his lips on yours, a hand on his strong jaw.

The door swinging open knocked you out of your daze, your eyes flicking away from his lips and focusing on the cause of the abrupt noise, immediately recognizing the tall blonde as your boyfriend's best friend, machine gun kelly. You looked back to Shawn momentarily, panic filling your mind as the realisation of what Colson had just walked in on sunk in. When you looked back, he was gone, the only thing left being the subtle sound of his footsteps disappearing down the long hallway outside your door.

There was a moment filled with panic and confusion before you were on your feet, chasing him down the hallway.

“Colson?” A hum in response “Nothing happened.” You stated, tears brimming your eyes.

“Didn’t say anything did.”

“He just came in to catch up and tell me about his mom and his sister.”

“Okay.”

Another brief silence, today felt full of those.

“Colson? What are you doing?”

“I’m not doing anything?” He says, his long legs allowing him to effortlessly stride ahead of you

“What are you gonna tell Pete?”

“I’m not telling Pete anything,” He said simply, stopping in his tracks “you are.”

“But… nothing happened.”

“Yeah, and you can tell Pete that. Or, I’ll tell him what I saw. Which was that you were sitting on the couch alone with your ex – in your dressing room – and you were staring at eachother like you were about to kiss if I hadn't walked in, and when I walked away you felt the need to chase after me and tell me nothing had happened. I suggest you tell him your version, cause mine isn’t looking so good.”

“Is that a threat?”

“Oh, it’s a promise, and for your sake I really hope it was nothing, ‘cause that’s my boy.” Colson says, looking you up and down before walking away.

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machinegunbun · 3 years

Note

🤘-

What about reader is the manager/assistant and fucks up some bug career opportunity for them?

Mistakes can allways happen but that was something really big

Maybe even gets fired for it?

Fucked It +

TW?: Mostly angst but theres some very slight smut with readers S/O

A/N: Not to age the writing but Im writing this as colson tweets that he’s gonna play at the halftime show in the next few years. S/O= Significant Other. I wanted to keep it kinda gender neutral cause bi people exist i dunno.

Word count:1.8k A little longer than a blurb, but just as dialogue-y

This year had been stressful, to say the least. There was the release of tickets to my downfall, and along with that the cover scandal, the bloody valentine music video, downfalls high, the snl episode. It was like every second of your day was filled with something, you rarely got the chance to spend time with your S/O.

That’s right, you had an S/O. Being Colson’s manager wasn’t your entire existence, although you’d seemed to have forgotten that recently. Their name is Devin, and they are not very happy with you.

They’d broken down in tears your first full night home, telling you how under appreciated they had felt while you were away. Devin had a life of their own too, though, and considering the pandemic at hand had chosen to go stay with their family to avoid the covid hot spot that was LA. You understood, and as much as you hated to admit it you barely even realized they were gone. You didn’t know what that meant, but you knew whatever it meant wasn’t anything good for your relationship, but, you loved them and you wanted to recreate that spark.

You wanted to put work into them, and you, and most importantly your relationship. You’d gotten through the emotions, but as for the spark there was only so much you could do thousands of miles away. So, you decided to put in the work and devise a plan. Your plan started about an hour and a half ago, beginning with a shower and ending with your favorite lipstick.

You love Devin and you want nothing more than to wrap them up in a soft blanket and kiss them on the forehead and take them on picnics, but you also wanted them to look at you and touch themselves. You could do one of those things in your current situation, and you felt both would help to replenish your spark.

You looked good too, dressed in your lingerie with your hair all done. You felt so unbelievably sexy just looking at yourself in the mirror, you wished they were here to witness it.

You stood in the doorway of your bedroom, your LED lights set to red, your phone set to start recording in

3…

2…

1…

You tried your best to pose sexily in the small frame, arching your back and playing with your hair, slowly slinking down the wall. You were sure when you sent this Devin would be calling you within seconds. You checked the video, editing it to the length you liked and saving it to your camera roll.

Butterflies began fluttering in your stomach as you looked at your message app. You had seen Devin in so long, what if the spark had really gone? What if they didn’t want you anymore? Or what if they just didn’t want you right now, what if this wasn’t the right thing to do?

You took a deep breath, looking yourself in the mirror and quickly clicking through your messages, sending it before you could think too much and clicking your phone off. You moved from the bathroom, moving to your bed, staring at your phone and waiting patiently for a response.

After thirty minutes you gave up, too nervous to check if they’d seen it. You were cool.

Well, you were cool now that you had cried and and picked yourself apart piece by piece, ending up on the couch in a heap of blankets eating a family bag of your favorite chips to yourself. Family guy played on the TV, the episode only really meant to drain out the noise of your thoughts, and momentarily the bling of your phone. You would’ve missed it entirely if it weren’t for the flickering of your flashlight that you’d enabled to make sure you didn’t.

You rushed from your comfy blanket fort, spilling your chips on the way, your hand wrapping tightly around your phone. You turned it around, seeing that the notification that had popped up was only from Dylan, the guy that got Colson a place at the halftime show.

Work, great, the thing that started this all. Was this the universe telling you it was over? You read on.

It simply said “Call me.”

Your eyebrow raised, considering waiting until tomorrow. You opened your messages, seeing that you had accidentally sent him the video of you in your lingerie. Fuck, thats why Devin hadn’t responded.

You opened his contact, calling him quickly, each ring feeling like needles being inserted into your brain.

“So I hope you understand why we wouldn’t want to be associated with that unprofessionalism.” He said, you’d zoned out through his lecture

“I understand, I do, but I hope you’d be willing to reconsider as this was a mistake on my part and not Colson’s. And seeing as this isn’t public I hope we can just brush this all under the rug and forget it ever-”

“I hear you, but I don’t think that will be possible. Mistake or not it was unprofessional on so many different levels

“But, sir-” You tried, your fingers thumbing over the buttons of the remote to mute the tv.

“It’s over, I’m afraid.” He responded, a beeping noise signalling the call had ended

Oh, nicer, you thought sarcastically, it wasn’t the universe after all, it was the manager.

Tossing your phone on the couch beside you, you retreated to your blanket fort, unmuting the TV.

Colson and the boys had been looking forward to performing at the halftime show since you’d met them. They’d been so excited when you told them you’d got them a spot. Although it was the last thing you wanted to do right now, you knew you had to break the news to Colson.

You stared at your phone, willing yourself to reach over and call him, eventually drifting off into an unsatisfying sleep.

“Oh good, you’re here! Okay, so I was thinking for the halftime show-” Colson began, but you cut him off before he could continue

“Oh, yeah, about that.” You say, rubbing your head in hopes it would soothe the dull ache that had begun to rear its ugly head. You opened your eyes in time to watch the excitement drop from Colson’s face.

“I…” You began, not sure how to start “I fucked it.” You began to laugh, taking a moment to acknowledge how ridiculous the situation had really been.

“What do you mean?” He asks, knitting his eyebrows together in confusion.

“Devin and I are going through a bit of a rough patch with them being away and all, so I decided to try and,” You made a vague shimmy movement with your shoulders “spark things up a bit. You know the silhouette challenge on tik tok? I did that, but I got nervous when I sent the video and I was on the couch for like hours crying too scared to see if they even looked at it, next thing I know I’m getting texted by Dylan asking me to call him.” You paused, partly for dramatic effect and partly to let yourself laugh. You buried your face in your hands, Colson watching in amusement, eager for the end of your clearly hilarious story.

“I accidentally sent him my nudes. It was so fucking embarassing, oh my god!” You finish, looking up from your hands to realize no one else seemed amused.

“What’s that got to do with the halftime show?” Rook questioned.

“Oh, right.” You’d completely lost track in the midst of your rambling “He said it was completely unprofessional and he wasn’t interested in working with us.”

Colson remained silent for a moment, looking over to the other boys before responding “He isn’t interested in working with you.” Your eyebrows furrowed at this, looking between the boys..

“What’s that mean?”

“This is the gig of our lifetime. I’ve- We’ve wanted to play the halftime show since… forever. This was our one chance and because of you we got booted out. And you were laughing about it.”

“I’m sorry, it was a genuine accident, I thought you’d find it funny. Some corporate guy saw my tits ‘cause my relationship is failing, if I don’t laugh I cry.”

“You’re the one who sent him the nudes. This is your fuck up.”

“Yeah, okay. But I work for you, so by association he won’t work with us.”

“Then you aren’t a part of ‘us’ anymore.”

“Colson, seriously? It was a fucking accident. You’re being ridiculous.”

“Watch your tone, I think you’re forgetting you work for me. I’m a nice guy, but this isn’t my shit to deal with.”

“I’m sorry.” You repeated, your voice lowering. It was easy to forget Colson was your boss, he never treated you like an employee. There was more respect between the two of you than any boss/employee relationship you’d ever seen before. You’d never even seen him mad before today. You were genuinely lucky to have had this experience, to think that it was about to come to an end broke your heart.

“Is sorry going to get us this gig back?” The question was rhetorical, but you shook your head “Then I’m sorry, I can’t let this pass me up because of something you did.” Colson says, staring you down. You stood like a statue in your place, unsure whether or not you should leave. The tension in the air could be cut with a knife.

You took it upon yourself to make the decision to turn and leave, driving to the nearest gas station, where you sat in your car, crying in the parking lot.

Everything was fine and in the matter of a week it had all gone to shit. How did this happen?

You were in a happy relationship, and now they were living with their parents for who knows why and telling you they felt neglected. Your career was going amazing and you’d ruined it completely with one mistext.

You started your car back up, settling on the hope that maybe Colson and Dylan would come to their senses, and come Monday morning you would still have a job.

#mgk #mgk angst #mgk fanfic #mgk x reader #machinegunkelly #machinegunkelly angst #machinegunkelly fanfic #machinegunkelly x reader #Colson baker #colson baker fanfic #colson baker x reader #colson baker angst

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machinegunbun · 3 years

Note

Is there gonna be a third part for Deserved It🥺

Deserve You+#

Word count:1.7k

A/N: Everyone say thank youu anon for reminding me lmaoo. This was supposed to be posted tomorrow but I got excited soo

“Pete, please just let me explain.” You whimpered, your voice and spirit growing weak. It felt hopeless, like maybe you really had lost him for good.

Your fist knocked lightly against the wood of the hotel room door, the sound reverberating down the silent hallway. Anxiety filled you, this wasn’t your first time knocking. You had been here for fifteen minutes and were completely unsuccessful so far.

You were pleasantly surprised when you heard fumbling from inside, not expecting them to answer. When the door swung open you were met with the sight of Colson towering over you, an unimpressed glare being shot your way

“He can’t hear you, he’s in the shower. Now stop, you’re pissing me off.”

“Please.”

“What do you want?” The question was more of a statement, letting you talk only to get you to leave.

“Is he okay?” You ask, sniffling.

“What the fuck do you think?”

“Please, I just wanna make it better.“ You plead

“Then go the fuck home.” He replies, shutting the door halfway before opening it again “And stop fucking knocking.” He adds, shutting the door in your face. Sighing, your back slides down the door, admitting defeat.

As you sat in the all too quiet hallway you found yourself wondering if maybe it meant more than you would like to admit. Maybe Colson was right, would you have kissed Shawn if he had never walked in? Would you have even ever told Pete if you did? Would you even regret it?

Tears began to well up in your eyes at the thought. Who were you kidding? Of course you’d regret it, who cares what everyone else thinks? You knew better than anyone that leaving Pete for Shawn would be the downgrade of a lifetime, and the fact that people based the opposite assumption purely over their own ideals of beauty was fucked up. Pete treated you better than Shawn ever did, he made you feel more than Shawn ever could. He made you a better person, you couldn’t believe your judgement had lapsed that badly, even for so much as a second.

Your head knocked against the door twice, trying to bang the anxious thoughts directly from their source, before the door swung open, the tall blonde giving you a single disapproving look when he spotted you on the floor.

“Is it the pizza?” You could hear Pete ask from inside. Right, you hadn’t gotten the chance to eat dinner

“Nah, it’s just Rook. I’ll be right back, you got the door for me?”

“Yeah, I got it.” Pete replied, his voice hoarse. You could only imagine he’d been crying.

You glanced up at Colson from your place on the floor, embarrassed.

“Just let me talk to him.”

“No.”

“He's not a baby, he doesn't need you to protect him.” You mumble

“No, but he cares about you. A lot. A-fucking-lot a lot, and I know if I let him out here and he sees you crying he’ll run right back into your arms.”

“I just wanna see him. I hurt him and it's killing me to know I can't hold him and make him feel better. I just wanna hold him.” You say, your voice cracking.

“Why don’t you just leave him alone and call Shawn instead so he can cheat on you again and you can go on another fucking bender and pretend like theres something interesting about your life.”

“Fuck you.” You retort, although you know his anger is the only reason for his words

“Fuck you too, (Y/N). Who took care of you after you went on your little fucking bender? Pete. Who helped you through the breakup? Pete. Who was with you when you felt like the whole world hated you even though you did nothing wrong? Pete. Who was there for you, romantic or not, whenever you needed him? Pete.If you really want to apologize you need to wipe those fucking tears, take a breath, clean yourself up, and fucking apologize without guilting him into saying its okay.”

“Okay, Okay. I’m not Casie.”

“Damn right you’re not, cause my daughter would’ve never pulled this dumb shit in the first place. And get off the fucking floor, you look pathetic.” He scolds, watching as you stand up, still almost a foot shorter than him. Colson turns around, pushing the door open as it was only half shut. You peer inside, trying to catch sight of Pete, but seeing only a piece of the hallway.

You remained on the floor, not daring to knock once again out of fear Colson might call security on you.

Your head ticked up curiously when you heard someone walking down the hallway, looking up to see Rook making his way towards you. Glancing down at you, he knocked, waiting for a moment before Colson was walking out of the door. Colson looked down at you as well, mild disgust gracing his features before he was walking down the hallway alongside Rook, the two boys disappearing into the elevator.

Pete walked out five minutes later, hoping you hadn’t given up and left. His eyes lit up when he saw you, first reaction being to fix the pout that was stamped on your face.

“Oooh, you got in trouble.” Pete teases, shutting the door behind himself and taking a seat next to you on the carpeted floor, not entirely caring that it was dirty as long as you were right down there with him.

“You heard?”

“It’s a hotel door, not a soundproof barrier.” He jokes, looking at you “Yeah, I heard everything. Listen, he shouldn’t have said any of that to you. He was angry, that’s all.”

“Don’t defend me.” You reply, looking over to meet his eyes. Pete purses his lips, his eyes filling with tears

“I’m always gonna defend you.” He says, his eyes leaving yours as he does, landing on the floor instead. The tone of his words are less reassuring and more disappointed. You thought for a moment he would cry, but he didn’t. His hand never even so much as came up to wipe his tears. Another brief silence fell over you, one more and you think you’d rip your hair out. You were unsure if you should wrap your arms around him the way you wanted to, the last thing you wanted to do was manipulate him into telling you what you did wasn’t a problem.

“I get it.” Pete says, breaking the silence.

“What?” You ask, your voice surprising even you in the midst of such stillness, feeling foreign and unlike your own

“I get if you want to be with him,” Your eyes meet once again as he says this “I won’t hate you.” He assures, his lips pushing together in a sad, half smile. You stared at him, examining his features and what you had done to him, but in Pete’s mind you were weighing out your options, and everytime Shawn came out on top. He was so caught up in his own mind he almost didn’t catch it when you began shaking your head.

“Oh thank god, cause he’s back at our place right now and we fucked on our bed-” Pete’s head tilted down in disappointment, focusing on his tattooed fingers. You laughed, punching his arm lightly “No, I want you dummy. Why else would I be humiliating myself by crying in a la quinta hallway. What's up with that, by the way? Colson doesn’t have the money to put you up somewhere better? You just got your heart broken.” Pete cracked a smile, his gaze shifting up to the door.

“I know the breakup was hard for you, and everything after it too. I guess I can understand just wanting something before it felt like the world turned it’s back to you.”

“No. I don’t want that, I don’t want Shawn. Sappy love songs, extravagant vacations, waking up early to exercise, flirting publicly as fan service, the perfect family-”

“Okay, okay we get it. He has a dad.” He laughs “Stop rubbing it in.”

“And actually nice hotels, seriously what the fuck is this.” You laughed, your heart swelling with love when you managed to make Pete smile “It’s just not who I am anymore. I’m late nights watching TV, laughing by the fridge when we get up at 3am to make snacks cause we have the munchies. I'm sitting in your backyard with you, your mom and your sister while we eat dinner and breathe the fresh air and look at the stars. I’m going on walks cause we’re depressed and need the sun to convince us we’re okay again. You changed me in the best ways, baby. I don’t want anything else.” You stared at the ceiling, vivid images flashing through your mind, thinking who you are now is so much more beautiful than who you were then.

You hadn’t even realized Pete was crying until he sniffled, your gaze drifting back over to him, the sight breaking your heart.

“Fucking lame.” He replies, both of his hands coming up to wipe his eyes, his sweatshirt pulled over his hands. You reach over, wrapping your arms around him and pulling him into your grasp. Laying there in peaceful silence, you find yourself running your hands through his hair, inhaling his scent and letting his body warm your own. You felt yourself calm down for the first time tonight with him in your arms.

The moment was broken as someone exited their hotel room, glancing down at the two of you on the floor before making their way to the pool, towel flung over their shoulder. Pete and you shared a look of amusement as he walked away, stifling your laughter until he made it to the elevator.

“Come on, let's go inside.” He says, trying the doorknob. There’s a thump sound as it moves a bit and stops, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion before giving it another try. You tilted your head, looking at the doorknob and to Pete as a look of realization overtook his features.

“I forgot my key.” He sucks his teeth, shaking his head as you laugh from your place on the floor.

#Pete davidson #pete davidson angst #pete davidson fluff #pete davidson x reader #pete davidson fanfic #colson baker #mgk #machinegunkelly #machinegunkelly fanfic #colson baker fanfic #mgk fanfic

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carlossainzbutthole · 5 years

Text

Memories - MGK Imagine

Word count: 273 (just a lil short one...)

F - Fluff

Send in request please it means a lot :)

“Oh my god! Colson look at you and Cassie!” you say pointing your phone in the direction of your boyfriend who was currently buried under your bed sheets cuddled into your side “when was that?” he questions and you think for a second “oh it’s from the bloom release party you two were dancing having a ball i just had to take a picture it was too cute not too” you say with a grin on your face he gives you a soft smile while shaking his head “you’ve got to send those to me” he says groggily “hey are you okay?” you ask turning to face him “yeah i’m just a bit tired” he says while closing his eyes and snuggling into your side even more “do you feel like dinner?” you ask and he shakes his head “no thank you love” he says and you melt under his words, he honestly sounds like heaven even when he’s tired, you lean over and give him a soft kiss on his lips “what was that for” he asks with a smile “your adorable, that’s what that’s for!” you say with a laugh, he leans towards you for another kiss this time putting his hand behind your neck deepening the kiss “i love you” he says and you smile before pulling away “i love you too colson” you say as you hop under the covers with him and turn on your phone “how about we go through some more old photos then go to bed?” you questions and he smiles “sounds amazing” he says, how could you have found someone so genuine and sweet.

#colson #baker #manip #colsonbaker #colson baker #machinegunkelly #machine gun kelly #machine #gun #kelly #mgk #mgk x reader #x reader #reader #imagine #fluff #angst #short #cute #mgk!tommy lee

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ack3rlady · 3 years

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In A Perfect World - Part 5

Summary: “And with that, I want to give you this ring that once belonged to my mother, with a promise that that you will never have to face this world alone.” Leaving you a series of letters to cope with his death, Erwin kept the promise he made to you…the implausible promise of forever and beyond. Concept inspired by the novel ‘P.S. I Love you’ by Cecelia Ahern.

Notes: Angst/Comfort, Fluff, Character death, Swearing, Spoilers for S3.

CW: Slight swearing

A/N: Writing this chapter was daunting AF because it wasn't easy being inside the complex mind of Erwin and putting his thoughts into words. I’m hoping I’ve got this at least half right. The book bits are from his POV and written in 1st person.

Word Count: ~7.6k

Four | Five | Six.1

Song Rec - Better Off - Jeremy Zucker & Chelsea Cutler

Master List

Tags: @sooibian @red-n-tall @ibimyeon @artistgoudeau @erwinzacharias @machinegunkellies @emmysmith @spiritusdei @maryaeger @devilslover666 @unholymutt @saysuchwonderfulthings @ikeaisagod @erasingonce; anyone who would like to be added/removed, please let me know!

Erwin’s Book

“You dawned upon my life like a bolt of lightning, blinding me with your splendor and invigorating my spirit. I vividly remember that morning like it took place yesterday even though it was almost a decade ago. It was the first day of my second year in the Survey Corps and the day of arrival of the newest cadets. It was the morning of January 12, 835. Miche and I were on our way to the mess hall for breakfast when your figure darted around the corner like a blur and crashed straight into me. You almost toppled over, but my arms reached for you even before my mind could respond.

Years have passed since that day and I still cannot explain the jolt of your touch that overwhelmed every shred of my body. Never had I been left spellbound by someone before. I’ve always been a man of many words, and yet you left me effectually speechless. Did you know that every day I wake up to your beautiful face, I thank the walls for choosing me to be the one you ran into that morning?

Time came to a halt as I was captivated by your shell-shocked face gaping at me in horror. I was unaware that anyone’s eyes could be this expressive. In just a matter of seconds, I saw a whole new world in them, a profound one outside my books and theories that I was nescient to. Your nostrils were flared, mouth agape, but you weren't breathing.

“Breathe.”, I whispered even before I encompassed what I was about to say.

Can you believe that those were my first words to you? Breathe? You quickly collected your spilled papers and took off again at the same hasty pace to barrel through the hallways towards Shadis’ office after cheeping out a quick apology.

I lost track of how long I stared at the spot where you stood mere moments ago wondering if the last thirty seconds really happened, for they felt surreal. That was the first time I saw you, a day that has been deeply engraved into my mind; a day I often revisit to remind myself that miracles do happen. It assures me that this world isn't as dark a place that it leads me to believe; that the bright light that shines over me in your form is proof that one day, everything will be alright.”

Your POV

You woke up with a start, not needing to look outside the window to know that the sun had already begun to rise, for your room was now painted in a mellow orange glow. Shit! You should have been up, preparing for your day long before sunrise. Now, you were obviously late for your appointment with Commander Keith Shadis who was known to be short-tempered. And right on your first day at the Survey Corps, you were about to endure his wrath. You cussed under your breath after spotting Hange still fast asleep on the bunk beside yours with their mouth wide open, a steady stream of drool seeping into their pillow having left a dark damp spot on the fabric.

“Damn it, Hange! I told you to wake me up!”, you hissed, throwing your pillow at them.

Instead of opening their eyes, they hugged it close to their chest before rolling over, mumbling something incoherent. Getting a decent response out of them while they were half asleep was futile. Well, you couldn’t blame them. The pair of you had stayed up late preparing for your appointments with Commander Shadis before your training was scheduled to begin after Captain Satō recommended you for positions on the research team.

During the years spent at the Training Corps, Hange had extensively studied titans, and your interests lied in the ODM gear. The captain was highly impressed with your knowledge and personally arranged for you to meet with Shadis on your first day here. Muttering your pitch in a hushed tone, you hastily got changed, collected your papers, and rushed out the door, sprinting towards his office situated on the opposite end of the building.

“Walls! Why is this place so fucking huge?” you scoffed, almost losing your footing while turning one of the corners at a breakneck speed.

Someone appeared before you right as you turned. But it was too late to slow down. The wind was knocked out of your lungs when you collided with them, sending your notes flying and tossing you backwards upon impact. You yelped while fruitlessly reaching out for support to hold on to. But before you could hit the ground, two strong arms clasped your shoulders and anchored you in place. When the few moments of initial surprise wore off, your eyes connected with a pair of piercing blue ones looking back at you, a sparkling azure that you had never seen before.

They were an embodiment of the endless sky on a bright, sunny morning; as if holding everything calm and free. You stood frozen, gaping at the blonde man towering over you; his appearance striking, features sharp. Yet his face held a kindness to it. And those eyes; You couldn’t stop looking into them. You felt puny in his presence, unable to catch your breath even after trying repeatedly.

“Breathe.”, he whispered.

How did he know? His friend who was even taller than him was gleefully watching the spectacle with a smirk on his face. Suddenly the realization dawned upon you that you were at the survey corps headquarters, late for your appointment with the commander who was infamously temperamental on your first day. Yet here you were, spending a short eternity staring into the eyes of a handsome stranger. You roughly shook your head to snap out of it, crouched to the floor to collect your spilled notes, and hastily squeaked out an apology before making a run for it.

You turned around to catch a final glimpse of the man, hoping that he’d be looking back too. But he wasn’t. Instead, his friend caught your eye, with that same grin still plastered to his face leading you to quickly look away like a thief caught in the act. Before you knew it, you were standing before a set of dark oak doors, a name-plate engraved with the letters ‘Commander Keith Shadis’ staring down at you. You gulped down the lump in your throat, prayed to whoever was listening and knocked at the door.

The meeting went by in a blink. Although slightly dismayed in the beginning, Shadis was quite receptive to your ideas and impressed by your research. You spent a good portion of the morning in his office, explaining to him how you planned to recondition the shape of the grappling hook to better its gripping efficiency, and how you were trying to create a new alloy that would rust at a much slower rate than the current one, which would substantially reduce equipment-related accidents and the amount of time and effort needed for the gears’ maintenance.

You were ecstatic when Shadis informed you that he would be looking into your placement on the research team. It was known to be one of the most prestigious groups of scholars, and you were so close to contributing to their work. You profusely thanked the commander, careful not to sound unprofessional. Before you left his office, you turned around to apologize for being late one last time, promising it would never happen again.

“There will be no next time, Cadet. If there is, I will personally make sure you are dismissed from the research team.”, he spoke flatly, not even bothering to look up from the papers on his desk. “This meeting would never have happened it wasn’t for the word I gave Captain Satō. If you don’t already know this, I abhor incompetence.”

“I’m s-sorry, sir”, you stuttered, sauntering out of his room.

As soon as the door behind you thumped shut, you slapped your palm on your forehead, aghast at your own irresponsibility. All that hard work for nothing. The blood, sweat, and tears that you put into your research were overshadowed by your tardiness. Sleeping was not what you were here for. You were here to work diligently and discover for yourself that what you read in that book many years ago was true.

You had stumbled upon it six years ago in a forlorn aisle of the library that your mother worked at. It looked much different from the other books around it; tucked at the far end, clad in a dusty, worn black cover, while the others proudly displayed their titles and authors on their spines. The information it contained had blown your mind. A whole world outside the walls? Endless bodies of water and large masses of ice? Your mother was stupefied after you asked her about it, burning it right before your eyes as she tearfully pleaded to you to keep it a secret if you wanted your parents to live.

She begged you to stay mum or else the government would do away with her and your father, just like they had with someone in one of the neighboring towns. He was a teacher at a school. They said that he got into an accident. But you had heard the rumors when you accidentally walked in on a conversation that your parents were having. They had ordered you to your room when you sought answers from them. It was no use. They were too scared to reveal anything. You were going to have to find out on your own.

That’s when you decided to join the Survey Corps to see for yourself what secrets the world truly held. You ran away from home and joined the Cadet Corps when your parents disapproved of your decision, wanting you to choose a domesticated life instead. After toiling endlessly for five years, finally, the time had come when you were close enough to your dream that you could practically smell it. And then, you decided to oversleep.

The loud noise emanating from your stomach that turned a few heads in the corridor towards you was a reminder that you hadn't eaten at all since last night’s dinner. You trudged towards the mess hall, thankful that breakfast was still being served. Maybe Hange would be there, and you could cry on their shoulder about how you almost got kicked out of the regiment on your first day itself. But obviously, the day had no plans of going easy on you as there were no signs of your friend inside.

Erwin’s Book

“I saw you again that morning at the mess hall. You sat alone at one of the tables by the windows biting into a slice of bread with a pungent look on your face and then pushed it down with a large sip of water. Your presence itself was enthralling enough that I was oblivious to the continual chatter of Miche sitting by my side. Your eyes briefly met mine before you quickly looked away, making me chuckle at how visibly your breath caught at that glance. I’ll admit that mine did too. Just the way it did earlier that morning.

The stars had perfectly aligned for us because Hange appeared at your table at the very next moment chatting away about something I couldn’t pay attention to since Miche had chanced upon our exchange as well and was badgering me about it. I had been acquainted with them earlier that morning by captain Satō as one of his finest new cadets and spent some time with the two. They had told me about their childhood friend joining the corps along with them, who I then recognized as you.

Miche’s buffoonery finally stopped the moment Hange's voice was not distant anymore, but coming from just a few feet away as they stood by our table with you next to them. You awkwardly smiled when they introduced you to us and took a seat opposite to me. You apologized once again for bumping into me earlier. I said it was okay, but how was I supposed to admit that I was rather grateful that you did? Conversations slowly went back to normal, but all I wondered was whether you could hear my pounding heart threatening to break out of my chest from where you sat.

How could anyone be this beautiful? I couldn’t imagine how a delicate flower like you landed in the Survey Corps which was infamous for being a death sentence. I presumed that the answer to that question was unsatisfactory grades until Hange revealed that you stood second in your division. And aptly so, because after spending less than an hour with you, I could already tell how erudite you were. One of the very few people I met apart from Hange who possessed wisdom on what was never made to be a part of our educational curriculum; knowledge that most in the regiment lacked.

That same afternoon, I had the honor of witnessing you floor Ness, Hange, and myself during a hand-to-hand combat session. I watched in awe as you effortlessly slammed Hange to the ground, and were able to turn Ness into a panting pile of muscles and bones without breaking a sweat. I remember how close your face was to mine when you had me pinned down; how your breath tickled my skin. That cheeky smile you flashed right before letting me go is still clear before my eyes.

Funnily enough, it wasn’t the end of our happenstance for that day. Most cadets who I encountered during the year I spent at the headquarters followed the rigid curfew regulations. Those who didn’t usually head to the roof or into the forest. I found myself to be the only one spending nights at the library, sneaking in through the window to read and eventually fall asleep in a dark corner at the farthest end until the sun came up and it was time to return.

But that night, I happened upon someone already occupying my spot, a candle illuminating the shadows to reveal your face. You looked like you had been sculpted out of pure gold in the yellow luminescence of the flame, your eyes glued to a thickset novel with a small pile of other books stacked by your feet. Suddenly, I was awfully aware of the flood of relief that washed over me when I saw you nestled into that corner; as if I was wishing that you would be here without even realizing it.

You were briefly startled when I moved closer, but that familiar smile of yours that I had already witnessed many times over that day eventually grew on your face and you shifted to make space for me to sit down. You came prepared with a canteen full of warm tea, a napkin with leftover bread from dinner to snack on, and a blanket that you slid over my legs as soon as I settled beside you saying that the stone was too cold. I only hoped that the rosy hue on my cheeks was not bright enough for you to notice in the dim light.

I don’t remember getting any reading done that night. All I could think of was how soothing the fragrance of your hair was, how your nose crinkled when you smiled and how you always bit your lower lip when you were deeply engrossed in the pages. The memory of that night is imprinted on my mind like a picturesque painting as we chatted about everything within these walls and outside. That brief ganger into your insightful mind was enough for me to rest assured that our conversations would continue on for a long, long time to come.

Sometime into the night, my heart came to a standstill when I felt a gentle weight on my shoulder. I slowly turned to find that you had drifted off to sleep mid-sentence after an onerous and eventful first day. The sound of your rhythmic breaths filled that corner, our corner, with a sweet melody. The books were left abandoned for the rest of the night while I admired your face in the silvery glow of the moonlight after the candle had melted away.

The concept of ‘love at first sight’ was insignificant to me. In fact, the term ‘love’ wasn’t a part of my life at all. I couldn’t recognize what it meant for my heart to skip a beat when I first laid my eyes on you, or for my stomach to tie itself into a knot when I heard your voice, or when my mind was clouded with thoughts of you whether you were around or not. I did not realize it back then but, love, I do know now; that the first time I met you, I fell deeply in love with you. And can you blame me? Who wouldn’t?

That day made way for many similar ones, and spending each of them with you was an occurrence that I would look forward to every waking moment. We spent our days together in training where you amazed me with your strength and vigor every single time. That crazed look in your eyes that you get when you fight, is still the same all these years later. I remember when Miche once admitted to me that he had nightmares about it.

Evenings would be devoted to our research; with you working on your new ODM designs, Hange on their titan research, and me on my formation plans. On hindsight, I quite miss those days when our lives were so simple that the biggest challenge that we faced was meeting our paperwork deadlines. Those few hours would be filled with lively conversations, brainstorming, devising new strategies; a part of my day I cherished.

But what I yearned for the most was nighttime when I’d finally get to see you. Even though I spent a good part of my day in your company, this was different. This was the time when I would witness the real you, one that not many had the pleasure to experience. Your hair would be loose and free, your uniform replaced by an airy nightgown, your face devoid of the stern expression you wore all day. At nights I would meet the cheery woman who effortlessly enchanted all of me.

Frequenting the library with you after hours had become quite the routine. My heart fluttered at the sound of your hushed giggles every time we successfully sneaked in and out of there. The hours spent there with you were the brightest highlight of my days. Endless whispered conversations led us to get to know each other in-depth. The night when you told me about your findings from that book was when I gathered the courage to tell you about my father. You were now the only one who knew about him apart from Eve and Nile. And I wondered what it was about you that made me want to tell you my deepest secrets.

You were not very different from me. You too were plagued by the secrets that were being kept by the government from its citizens. You also desired to uncover what really stood outside the walls. I felt closer to you than I did to anybody else as if there was finally someone who understood me, understood my dream. I kept many things about myself from others. But with you, I never felt the need to. I could be as transparent as clear water and rest assured that you would still be there for me.

I’d unknowingly search for your face in every room I entered. I’d look for your warmth on those cold nights spent reading in the library. I’d crave the sound of your voice to be the first and the last one I heard every day. In a short span, you had become a custom; a significant part of my life. And in a month’s time, we were ready to embark on our next expedition, your very first one.

It would have been a better decision to get ample sleep before it was time to leave for Shiganshina, but sleep was not what I needed. What I longed for was the solace, I only found in your company. Just like every night, I sneaked into the library through the window, hoping that you’d be there too. I breathed a sigh of relief when I came upon you at the same spot, our corner as you playfully referred to it as, with your head resting against the wall and eyes pinned to a particular spot on the vaulted ceiling.

The crescent moon shone through the clear glass and engulfed you in eerie grey shadows. The candle that always cast a stunning glow over your features was absent, and so was the stack of books that sat by your feet. I lowered myself to the ground by your side, and even though you seemed distracted, you were quick to share your blanket with me like every night, pulling it over my legs. The usual butterflies in our stomachs were replaced by unpleasant nausea, the hushed chitchat was cut out by haunting silence. There was no need for words for your feelings to strike me like a knife to my chest.

You finally turned to face me; your eyes wide and swimming with unshed tears and unanswered questions. You put up a brave front before the others, often going as far as consoling a few of your comrades who were terrified of leaving the walls to face titans. But in that moment, I could see in your eyes that all you had let your walls crumble, and the masquerade you put on was discarded. You let yourself be vulnerable before me, your pained gaze begging for ruth. My eloquence was in vain as I too speechlessly stared back at you, not knowing what to say to give you even a sprinkling of courage. How was I supposed to strengthen you when I myself was bursting at the seams, about to fall apart at your sight?

I looked into your eyes for what seemed like forever, hoping to memorize every feature of your beautiful face to create a mental portrait of you in case this world was brutal enough to rip you away from me as it had done with others I loved. I could see that you had already been crying; your eyes puffy, nose red, your hair disheveled from the number of times you had run your hands through them. My hand instinctively reached out to wipe away a lone tear that had managed to escape your orbs, freezing when you delicately clasped it, intertwining your fingers with mine.

You finally broke the persistent lull by asking me what would happen if we didn’t return from the expedition tomorrow. Instead of coming up with an answer, my mind went astray with morbid thoughts of the probability of it happening. What if one of us didn’t make it? What if neither of us did? What if I didn’t get a chance to tell you how I felt? That every moment without you was incomplete as if I was only existing and not living? What if I didn't get a chance to express to you came into my disarrayed life like a cyclone, only to put everything back in place? That if one of us had to die first, I hoped it was me? What if I could never tell you that even though I knew you for a little over a month, that I loved you deeply enough to last us for a lifetime?

I knew better than to make promises I may not be able to keep. But in that moment, if I was sure of anything, it was that I would never let harm come your way. I promised to never let anyone or anything hurt you.

As if cognizant of the storm brewing inside my mind, you decided to put an end to it. You moved closer, bringing your face just inches away from mine, allowing me to see the reflection moon outside in the form of minuscule specs in your glistening eyes. You tilted your face to the right, your eyes glued to my lips and mine to yours. Emptying my head of all doubt, I closed the gap by meeting you halfway, our lips fusing together like pieces of a puzzle.

It was hard for me to believe at first, that someone who was so ferocious out on the training grounds could be so gentle. It warmed my heart to know that you reserved this side of yourself just for me. I could taste the lingering remnants of the ginger tea you had at dinner earlier. I felt your hands in my hair, pulling me closer to yourself, your nails raking soothing patterns on my scalp. I too reeled you as close to me as I could, as if I were a hapless insect drowning in deep, tumultuous water and you were the floating leaf that I needed to hold on to for dear life.

I hungrily tasted you, wishing with every shred of my being that this wouldn’t be the last time we experienced this proximity; embracing you firmly enough that it was impossible to know where I ended and you began. Each passing moment of your touch blew a new life into my rapidly weakening body, every second reinforcing the newfound reason why I needed to return home, and why I needed to bring you back with me. I clearly remember the feeling of your breath fanning over my face, and the warmth of your tears on my skin, as they dropped onto my cheeks after flowing out of your eyes.

I wished to admit to you that I was scared too, just like you. But I needed to be strong for both our sake.

You broke away and leaned back to gaze at me with gleaming eyes. In the moment that you pressed your lips to my forehead, I felt like the most cherished human who lived, a feeling that I was alien to. For the first-ever time, you reminded me that I was more than a an orphan or a soldier, that I was just a man, a mere mortal with a heart that was allowed to feel emotions. You tucked your head into the crook of my neck, your silent sobs resonating through my chest. I held you close and you held me tight. We stayed in our corner, melting into a long embrace, neither of us willing to let go; hoping for time to stop and tomorrow to never arrive.

I didn’t realize when I fell asleep. I was alone when I woke up, still wrapped in the warmth of your blanket. The tinge of orange swirling with the deep inky hues of the sky was an indication of the rising sun and the approaching expedition. I had been on a few before, and they had been far from successful; which was exactly why I was questioning the decisions I made over the last few weeks as we stood in formation in front of Wall Maria’s gate. Instead of focusing on the mammoth mission awaiting us, I found my eyes pinned to the back of your head. You looked back at me and smiled a faint smile that clearly divulged the fear you felt in that moment, a smile I couldn’t get myself to return.

You were about to ride alongside squad leader Douglas; his squad entirely consisting of fresh cadets because the previous one was wiped out the last time we ventured outside the walls. Nobody blamed him. He was responsible for one of the most perilous tasks of the survey corps – offense. He was a capable leader, with strong offense expertise from his many years of service. And that’s why Commander Shadis had him and his squad always positioned in one of the most unsafe locations of the already dismal formation. And with your own aptitude in offensive combat, you found yourself right in the middle of his flank.

There was a reason why Miche was the only man I considered my friend; the only one I cared enough to form a bond with. Because many people I knew were already dead, devoured by titans only to be spit back up as if their sacrifice meant nothing. The thought that you might meet the same fate today was burning my chest like acidic upchuck as I wondered why I let myself get attached to you. Maybe this was the last time we were seeing each other. Maybe I’d be forced to return home without you. Maybe I wouldn’t return at all.

I questioned whether your heart would ache if I died. Because mine would shatter into a million pieces if harm came your way. During the short period, I knew you for, you had become a vital part of my life. The need to assure your safety plagued my mind for every moment that we were out there, and I was prepared to die if it meant that you would live to see the next sunrise.

A few hours into the expedition, I came dreadfully close to realizing my worst fear when a horde of titans ambushed your squad out of nowhere. Without thinking twice, I abandoned my own comrades and charged towards where you were, ignoring their calls coming from behind me. The hunger to cut the titans’ napes to pieces was so blinding that I failed to notice one of the giants only a few feet away from me.

The next thing I remember was the shooting pain at the back of my head after I was plucked out of the air by a giant arm gripping my ODM wires, and thrown to the floor. I heard multiple voices scream my name, distinctly identifying yours as one of them. Against the harsh rays of the sun burning my eyes, I recognized your silhouette hovering over me at a distance. You had come rushing to my aid, fearlessly slaying that titan before it could annihilate me and earning yourself your first solo kill. Yet again, I was speechless as you collected my almost limp body off the ground and carried me to safety up a tree.

I should have been grateful, and believe me, I was. But the gratitude was lost amidst the storm of the guilt of losing focus and having put myself in jeopardy for someone else. For setting aside a lifetime of ambitions for a woman who I met only a month ago. I cursed myself for swaying away from my goal so easily. A goal that had driven me away from my family; the one I hoped would bring justice to my father. I blamed myself for abandoning my aspirations and falling prey to my emotions.

I was allowed to go home to recover after returning from that horrendous expedition. I left for Kasol before the sun had risen in an effort to avoid encountering anyone; especially you. How was I supposed to tell you that I wanted nothing to do with you right after you revealed your most vulnerable side to me? That I was selfishly choosing my own ambitions over your heart? I felt dirty as if I took advantage of you. But I knew that my love for you was true; I just couldn’t commit to the luxuries of a relationship. Not when the monsters who devastated my family were still roaming freely.

I was visiting home for the first time after six years. Eve wasn’t very pleased at first, but acquiesced eventually. We both knew about the veil of mystery and lies that surrounded our father’s death, and she supported me in my quest to unearth the truth about why our innocent family had to endure hell. At home I spent a good amount of my time in his library, glazing over the journals he had covertly written. Journals about his theories, that were a reason why he disappeared without a trace.

I was newly reminded of the reasons I made the decision to join the survey corps, to leave my sister, my only living family behind. I was not in the survey corps to find love and lead a domesticated life; that possibility had flown out the window on the day I entered Cadet Corps. I was there for justice, to prove my father right. I repressed my selfish inclinations, my feelings, my need to be with you and promised myself and Eve that I would devote myself to only, and only discover the real reason behind our family being torn apart.

I took an oath that I would not veer away from my path to the truth. I wouldn’t let anyone or anything come in between me and what my father didn’t live to find. I had been through this once before, with Marie, and I could face it again. There was no place in my heart or my life for these feelings, for you. I was determined that I didn’t need you or your companionship. That I didn’t need any more interference in my path than there already were. The fact that I was about to break your heart was eating at me. Your sorrowful face from the night before the expedition haunted my thoughts. But the pain was inevitable.

I vowed to never speak with you again; yet here I am, writing this book about my undying love for you.”

Your POV

The expedition had been a blur, with many injured and many others gone forever. You were grateful to your mind for instinctively blocking out most of the frightening memories associated with the ordeal. With many of your comrades suffering from frequent nightmares, you were no different; being reminded every night about how close you came to losing Erwin. The torment left you sleepless but you were thankful to be present at the right place at the right time, being able to bring him back home safely. Every night that you jolted awake drenched in a cold sweat, you wished you could spend time with him like you did before he left.

Erwin had swiftly gone from being a stranger to a friend and now, maybe more. Nobody was permitted to meet him at the infirmary on the day of your return, and you found out that he had left for Kasol hours after his departure, never getting an opportunity to speak with him about the night before the expedition. And only seeing him hale and hearty in front of you was going to suppress this anxiety.

After spending nights in misery, you eagerly awaited his return during the day; excited in anticipation for what was in store for the two of you. Erwin had mixed into your life harmoniously, like tea and milk. Since you had arrived at the headquarters, you had spent each day with him. He had become your oasis in this hellscape of a life that you were destined to live and every day that you had to spend in his absence dragged on endlessly.

Hange and Miche were ceaseless with their pestering you about Erwin, now teasingly referring to him as your lover, as you sat at the table for lunch. You smacked Hange's shoulder to shut them up but were unable to hide the blush on your cheeks, spurring the two on even further. How you missed him and wished he was here. A single one of his retorts would have shut them both up. The day wasn’t too far, for Miche had just informed you that Erwin was scheduled to return tomorrow.

You woke up at the crack of dawn with a glow on your face almost threatening to outshine the rising sun. It had been a week since Erwin had been away, and today was the day he would finally return. Seven days. These were seven days spent constantly thinking of him and how everything was about to change once he’d be here. As uprooted as you felt during the time that he was gone, you were elated about seeing him again. Your life would finally go back to normal again. A new normal.

Hange was busy in the lab with their research team, so it was only going to be Miche and you welcoming Erwin back to the headquarters today. You rushed to the wardrobe to fish out the antique quill you purchased when you went to Trost market on your day off, before making your way to the stables where you and Miche would wait for him to arrive. Your feet sped up involuntarily when you spotted a white stallion by the entrance much earlier than expected, your breath hitching with the realization that he was here already.

You came to a halt a few feet away from where he stood, heavily panting, but with your lips spread into a wide smile. Miche wiggled his brows at you, excited about witnessing the much-awaited union. Your eyes met Erwin’s deep blue ones when he turned around at the sound. The two were unloading the luggage off his horse.

Erwin’s features briefly softened, giving away the skip in his heartbeat, only to harden back up into a grimace. He bit his tongue, silently chiding himself for wanting to run to you and pull you into his arms. Instead, he swiftly averted his gaze, pretending as if his heart didn’t shatter with the guilt of what he was about to do. You were blinded enough with elation that you were oblivious to your joy not being reciprocated by the blonde man.

You gingerly walked towards him, about to hold forth the present you wanted to give him when he abruptly picked up a bag and began towards the boys’ dormitory. Miche looked as puzzled as you, the cheeky grin from his face vanishing. The two of you were gaping at his receding figure before he turned only to look back at Miche.

“Let's go, Miche. I’m tired.”, he said, not sparing even a glance in your direction.

The words flew at your heart like a sharp dagger and ripped it to pieces. Your eyes stung while your lungs refused to take in any air. Miche looked at you and nodded, a quiet assurance to find out the cause of his behavior. He ambled after Erwin, grabbing the rest of the luggage off the ground and scanning you one last time. You looked down at your trembling hands holding the quill that you had giddily wrapped in brown parchment and tied with a delicate thread.

It wasn’t supposed to be this way. This is not how you planned for this day to go. You should have been happy, and content in his company; not standing alone in the stables with a rejected gift in your hands and a broken heart in your chest. Erwin’s name, which you had written with so much care on a little card that you tucked into the thread, smudged when droplets of your tears rained on it.

You bore to him the most delicate side of yourself, trusting that he would cherish it, keep it safe. Never had you let anybody this close to yourself, too afraid that they would hurt you, reject you, walk away; exactly the way Erwin just did. But what could be the reason behind it? How did things change for the worse within a week. How did the invisible bond that you built with him, the one that you were sure was destined to last forever, shatter like it was nothing? How did he forget the promise he made to never let anyone hurt you? How did Erwin himself become the one who did?

You flung the parcel to the floor, rushing back to your dorm room in tears, grateful that none of your roommates were around to witness you falling apart. You curled into the nook beside your bed, rocking yourself as you wept. Why was it that even through the pain that he himself ruthlessly inflicted on you, he was your only hope for comfort? Why was he the only one who could rid you of the agony he caused? You beat yourself up for even thinking these thoughts. Did you really think lowly enough of yourself that all you needed was to run back into his arms?

You were startled when a pair of hands rested on your shoulder, eventually wrapping themselves around your body. You could recognize Hange’s touch anywhere, for they had held you so on many nights when you felt hopeless. “Miche told me. I came here as soon as I could.”, they swayed with you, patiently waiting for you to let it all out as their fingers caressed your head. It hadn't been long since they had spent the night giggling away when you told them about your kiss.

They too were shocked that the otherwise rational Erwin could do this. But to see you collapsed on the floor in a heap, weeping inconsolably over a man, made their heart heavy. “I’m letting you cry now. But if I catch you shedding a single tear over him again, I swear on the walls, I will have no problem going to prison for Erwin’s murder.”, they said, finally peeling your head off their chest to look into your eyes.

You saw him a few more times throughout the next few days, exchanging empty glances devoid of the ardor that used to lace them not too long ago. The tree under which the four of you generally sat down to chat in between sparring sessions now stood deserted, with Miche and Erwin standing at the opposite edge of the training grounds from you and Hange careful not to cross paths. Miche spent a few minutes checking up on you during meal hours after you returned to sit at your old table by the window with Hange. Days that used to be filled with hearty conversations were now only clouded by awkward small talk.

Nights were the most difficult. Sneaking away to the library was now an old habit left abandoned. You knew better than to go back there only to be greeted by a dark, desolate corner. So, you lay in bed, staring at the base of the bunk above yours, reading the names of people who occupied your spot before you, etched into the wood. The lamps were finally extinguished and quiet huffs of breath of your weary roommates slowly began to fill in the silence. You turned towards Hange, who was also out cold.

You let out a muted chuckle upon noticing that they had fallen asleep with their glasses on again. Getting out of bed and tip-toeing towards theirs, you gingerly pulled the spectacles off their face and gave their head a soft peck before turning to place it on the nightstand. You gazed outside the window above it, breathing a long, suffering sigh while looking out at the moon. Just when you were about to go back to bed, you noticed something across the courtyard.

One of the windows to what you knew was the library was open, and a faint orange light emanated from inside. Your mouth went dry and your heart was thumping loud enough to be heard all the way there. He still visited even after you stopped? You had no idea when or how, but the next thing you remembered was standing in front of a figure, sitting on the floor and leaning against the stone wall. The small candle cast a mellow glow to reveal Erwin’s face, his head resting against the stone with his eyes closed.

You took a step closer, the sound of which roused him, bringing his attention to you. He stood up, taking a few steps towards the window where he came in from, which you reciprocated by moving swiftly to block his way.

“Don’t you respect me enough to tell me why you're ignoring me, Erwin? Even after everything we’ve been through?”

His head lowered; eyes unable to meet yours. “I can’t do this.”, he breathed.

“What?”

“I - I can't be with you. This is not what I'm here for. You know what I have suffered through. You know about my dreams. I need to find the truth. There is no place in my life for a relationship, or for you. Just for a moment, I believed otherwise. But the expedition reminded me of my true purpose. I’m sorry for everything, but I can’t give you the love you deserve.”

Still trying to decipher what he just said, you gaped at him, unable to respond. Hange was right. You should've stayed put and gone to bed. They knew you better than you yourself did. They knew that you’d end up in the dumps once again if you walked down this path. They had warned you not to seek Erwin out. But your hunger for closure brought you here. And now, you stood in front of the man you thought was going to be your companion for life, feeling worthless after he outright rejected you. Again.

You wordlessly turned to the window to leave, before Erwin’s trembling voice called out to you from behind. You couldn't get yourself to turn around, too afraid that the resolve that took all your strength to build would crumble if you were faced with his fragility.

“I wish things were different. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”, he said, unable to suppress a stray sob.

“And yet, you did.”

Four | Five | Six.1 Master List

#erwin x reader #erwin smith x reader #erwin smith #commander erwin #erwin angst #erwin fluff #attack on titan #snk #shingeki no kyojin #aot fic #aot x reader #snk x reader

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ack3rlady · 3 years

Text

In A Perfect World - Part 3

Notes: Angst/Comfort, Fluff, Character death, Swearing, Spoilers for S3.

CW: Description of nervous breakdown, mentions of injury, alcohol use.

Word Count: ~6.8k

Two | Three | Four

Master List

Tags: @sooibian @red-n-tall @ibimyeon @artistgoudeau @erwinzacharias @machinegunkellies @emmysmith @spiritusdei @maryaeger @devilslover666 @saysuchwonderfulthings; anyone who would like to be added/removed, please let me know!

Song rec: Love you Till The End - The Pogues

After weeks of planning, the day was here at last when you would leave for Kasol, the place where Erwin imagined your happily-ever-after together to be. You began your journey towards the archaic town at the crack of dawn to save as much daylight as possible. The route was picturesque, with varying landscapes of lush woods, gushing streams, boundless farmlands, and quaint villages. Four onerous hours later, your mare came to a halt before a pair of towering wrought iron gates.

The exhaustion was not a result of the commute itself. You were not even able to fully appreciate the stunning scenery because of the hubbub around you. The cacophony of bickering between Jean and Eren, Connie’s efforts at spurring them on, Armin’s woeful pleas for them to stop, and Sasha’s endless complaining about how she was starving, almost drove you to insanity. Mikasa mildly softened the blow of these savages by often putting them in line but could not prevent the splitting headache the entire ordeal had given you.

They were not your first choice for travel companions, neither the second nor the third. Hange backed out of accompanying you owing to the responsibilities of overseeing the re-construction of Shiganshina. You discounted asking Levi since the bridges between you both were still severed, and as morbid as the reality was, there was no one else alive who you would have rather liked to bring along. You considered going alone, but Hange instantly shot the idea down and recommended taking these hellions instead, saying they could use a vacation.

And given the sight you were currently witnessing, you were glad you accepted their suggestion, even if the commotion made you want to commit mass-murder.

Because your jaw was on the floor.

You checked the map again to make sure you were at the right location, since the reality was the complete opposite of what you imagined.

The gates opened to a long, paved pathway encompassed with overgrown shrubbery which had evidently been a manicured garden at some point in the past. It was roofed by a canopy of mammoth Oak trees. The lengthy walk led to the house Erwin pinned his dreams for a future with you on, and the swaying Oak branches revealed minute glimpses of it from in-between.

House? Scratch that. It was a mansion. The humble brick abode from your fantasies, cozy enough to house a family of three or four, perched aside the cobbled streets of the village nestled into the outskirts Taruo forest that you were expecting, turned out to be an enormous manor in the countryside surrounded by a vast expanse of farmland.

Erwin never failed to surprise you.

The magnificent edifice, constructed in classic neo-Fritzic style architecture had three floors and stretched past your angle of vision, impossible to view wholly without turning your neck. Strings of Ivy delicately littered the sandstone, standing out in a popping contrast of greens and yellows against the pale rock. A flock of steps led up to a double-height porch, supported by four stunning Ymirian columns with floral sculpting in their capitals and bases. The tall arched windows arranged immaculately on the façade were embellished with intricately carved headers.

The aura it exuded was exquisite, yet oddly homey. The house looked aged, but even the effects of time could not tarnish its elegance. Through a colossal archway cutting though the structure, you spotted the many acres of paddy fields spread out behind the manor, abutted by woods on the far end, the pools of water acting like a mirror that the sky could admire its beauty in.

You swallowed a particularly laborious lump in your throat, simultaneously enchanted and intimidated by this resplendent structure standing tall before your eyes. You only knew of the rich upper-class men in Wall Sina to have owned property of such stature. And now here you were, staring at a manor of your own, mesmerized by its every feature.

“Squad Leader Smith, breathe.”, Eren's voice pulled you out of your trance.

You nodded diffidently and thanked him for the reminder before the original object of your attention called out again.

“When you said that you would retire to this house and raise a family, were you and commander Erwin planning to repopulate the entire Survey Corps all by yourselves?”, Connie’s question had a blush creeping up your neck as you both gaped at the goliath, earning him a harsh kick from Jean.

The pink hue on your cheeks darkened into a crimson one, flashing how desperately you were trying to stop yourself from smacking some respect into the audacious young man. The scowl on your face when you slowly turned in his direction was enough to make him bolt into the house with the luggage he was carrying, the others swiftly following behind.

Levi was right. They were brats. You repented the day you asked them to treat you like a friend. Because now you had no one to blame for the monsters you created but yourself.

“I’ll never understand what went on in that beautifully weird mind of yours, Erwin.”, you muttered, drudgingly making your way inside.

About five months before the Battle of Shiganshina – Year 850

You blinked strenuously, trying to rid your eyes of the brilliant spots dancing against the pale white ceiling as your bare body lay in bed heavily panting, glistening with sweat. Your haggard breathing was mirrored by an equally sweaty, and exhausted Erwin lying next to you with his head resting on your belly; his breaths tickling your skin.

“I love you.”, he whispered, tracing the curves of your hips with calloused fingers, cerulean eyes following the rise and fall of your chest.

“I love you too.”, you caressed his face, eyes closed, mind wandering back to the memories of how it all began.

The escapade between you and Erwin was a result of an accidental night of alcohol fueled passion back when you were both overworked team leaders. It quickly heightened into a routine to relieve the stress of having unending paperwork and imminent death looming over your heads. Somewhere in between the animalistic lovemaking, the stolen glances and secret touches, your heart gave in, and you found yourself head over heels in love with him.

And who could blame you? His intellect knew no bounds, he possessed a godly allure, he somehow managed to make you laugh with his awkward but entertaining wit, he dominated the battlefield, and even though your liaison was purely limited to appeasing each other's carnal indulgences, he treated you like a queen – he was perfect in all senses.

But Erwin Smith had always been crystal about his outlook on forming any kind of bonds with people, whether familial or romantic. He did not consider relationships worth his time, having had bigger goals to chase after. So, you made peace with your love for him remaining unrequited, only lamenting over it within the four walls of your quarters. You were prepared to silently cherish him for as long as you lived, until the night you returned from a particularly perilous expedition.

It was a few weeks after Wall Maria fell five years ago. Erwin’s appointment as the new commander led him to distance himself from you, reasoning that his duty was of utmost importance to him. After what felt like eons of pretending to be strangers, you vividly remembered how he whisked you atop Wall Rose on the night you returned and poured his heart out underneath the shimmering night sky.

His sapphire eyes brimming with unshed tears, gleamed under the radiant moonlight when he told you that he only realized how deeply he was in love with you when you got separated from the formation, leading him to fear the worst. It was the first time you had witnessed that vulnerable side of him, his words of how he could not bear to live even one moment without you still fresh in your mind.

Erwin adoringly watched your plump lips slightly upturned into a pleasant smile, distant mind thinking about Walls knew what, fingers lazily brushing through his frazzled hair. Fuck, you looked so beautiful. Like nothing or no one he had ever come across before, and you did not even need to try. All you had to do was exist, and a simple glance at you could take his breath away.

“Marry me.”

You were roused from your reverie by two words you never thought you would have the opportunity to hear.

“What?”, you propped yourself up on your elbows, eyes about to pop out of their sockets.

“Breathe.”, he ordered upon realizing that you were a little too still, continuing to hold your owlish gaze and awaiting an answer.

You nudged his head off yourself to turn away. “Erwin, where is this coming from? I thought we were on the same page.”

“But what’s the point of life’s book if we never turn its pages? I know that my views on marriage were different before. But people change. We have been devoted to each other for over five years now, and I intend to spend the rest of my life with you, love, however long or short it may be. I want to be yours and I want you to be mine in every way.”, he moved to face you, his hands reaching out for yours.

“I know, Erwin. And I admit that I want marry you too. Hell, marriage is something I dreamed of since I was a little girl. But why is it that the professions of your feelings for me always coincide with the fall of the walls?”

He took a second to ponder over your observation, “It's because incidents like these remind me that our end could be closer than we think; that another titan could appear and destroy our entire civilization in a blink. I am not afraid of dying, my love. But I do not want to die without you knowing how hopelessly I am in love with you. I do not want to spend another moment not being one with you. I want you; every bit of you, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I would marry you right now if you would let me so that I can live as your husband for whatever time we may have left... Please?”, he whispered holding you close.

Your bare skins were pressed together, his lips brushing against yours with each word he uttered, deep voice reverberating through out your body as if it were coming from within you. Erwin gently kissed away the tears that his words brought to your eyes, strong arms securely wrapped around your trembling form.

“You can say no if you don’t reciprocate my feelings. It won’t change my love for you.”, he sighed, minutes after you continued to sob into his chest without an answer.

“No.- I mean, I do... I want to marry you, Erwin. Right now.”, you breathed.

“Really?”, he moved back to get a look at your face and kissed you deeply when you nodded your head in agreement.

“In that case, I have just the plan. Pick a white dress and meet Hange at the stables in one hour.”

Six hours later, you found yourself slowly making your way towards your soon-to-be husband, standing tall under a lone, verdant Sycamore tree somewhere in the middle of a windswept lavender field flourishing in his hometown of Kasol. Hange’s arm was wrapped around yours as they walked you down the make-shift aisle, your gaze lost in Erwin's, lungs full of the sweet yet balsamic aroma of the spice, the gentle radiance of dawn gingerly illuminating the scenery.

Your pristine white summer dress, that was one of the few civilian clothes you owned, swayed with the cool breeze. Your hair that was usually seen in a tight bun ‘because it’s practical’, cascaded down your shoulders like streams of falling water, gleaming under the warm rays of the rising Sun. Erwin was astounded, eyes welled with tears of joy while he watched you gracefully walk towards him, ecstatic to finally unite with the miracle that was born in this world just to light up his life.

He took your hand and placed a soft kiss on it, mouthing a quiet ‘you look beautiful’ when you positioned yourself before him. Hange joined Nanaba, beaming by your side as your bridal party, with Levi and Moblit acting as the groom’s men. Miche eased into the role of the officiant; a forsaken career choice of joining the Church of the Walls before finding his calling in the military, finally being put to use.

“Friends, we are gathered here today, way too early in the morning, tired, unbathed and sleep deprived, to witness our two closest friends and comrades who just could not wait until a decent hour of the day to unite in holy matrimony.”, Miche announced, feigning genuineness.

You kicked him in the shin while everyone else broke into fits of laughter. Everyone except Levi obviously, who only rolled his eyes. The rest of the ceremony proceeded in a similar manner, with Miche unable to keep his inappropriate humor in check.

“Fine, fine! Now, say your vows!”, he caressed his shoulder after you assaulted him for the seventh time.

“I’ll go first.”, Erwin responded, taking both your hands into his. His lips emitted a bright smile as he cleared his throat to begin.

“My love, never in my wildest fantasies did I expect myself to be standing here, looking into the eyes of my gorgeous wife-to-be. I always imagined leading a solitary life, surrounded by nothing but death, destruction, and responsibilities. That was until you smugly strutted your way into my heart. You awakened emotions inside me that I didn’t know I could feel, and obliterated the walls I built that kept me from embracing true happiness. I still have a hard time believing that someone like you, an embodiment of all things pure in this world, can love someone like me. I don't know how long we have left to live, but I want to wake up to your beautiful face when the morning light explodes and fall asleep in your arms when the night puts on its cloak for every single one of those days. And with that, I want to give you this ring that once belonged to my mother, with a promise that that you will never have to face this world alone.”, his voice quivered as he slid the bejeweled band down your finger.

You were positively dissolving in tears, with his words having entered your ears and shattered the metaphorical dam holding them back.

“Breathe.”, he whispered. You nodded, inhaling deeply.

Finally, after collecting your wits, it was time for you to say your own vows.

“Erwin, just like you, I didn’t think this day would ever come. And yet, here we are, about to unite in this sacred bond. To others, you are the commander, an untouchable authoritative figure who sits on a pedestal. But to me, you’re my Erwin. My companion, protector and savior, my whole heart. You are my every dream come true. I promise to be your guiding light in darkness, a warm comfort in the cold, and a shoulder to lean on when life is too much to bear on your own. I promise to be patient, even if it means having to listen to you endlessly ramble on about formation strategies. Uh- This wedding is as much a surprise for me as it is to our friends, so I don't have a real ring for you. Please accept this one I made from twine on our way here as my promise to replace it with a real one when we return home, and to love and cherish you for the rest of my life.”

“I now pronounce you husband and-”

Before Miche could even finish his sentence, Erwin pulled you close. Time stopped when his lips found yours. The merry cheers of your friends drowned in the pure joy that washed over two people who began the day as lovers and would end it as husband and wife. You just married the love of your life. Your heart fluttered when he swept you off your feet and spun you around, deepening the kiss. His warmth radiated throughout your body, and his strong arms wrapped around your waist felt like confines that you never wanted to escape.

He only pulled away to breathily whisper, “I’m yours forever, Lady Smith. And you're mine.”, resting his forehead against yours.

You blushed at the new nickname. Lady smith had a nice ring to it.

Present – Year 851

You stood before the manor, taking in its stupor with a look of awe plastered to your face. You failed to acclimatize to its grandeur even after having been here for four whole days. Worlds apart from the day of your arrival, its insides were now immaculate, the gardens around it were prim, and the greying exterior sandstone had been restored to reveal its true caramel tones.

The army of helpers accompanying you had successfully revived the jaded building to appear almost brand new. You mentally thanked Levi for instilling his cleaning talents into them, because you could have never achieved these results by yourself.

The entranced look on your face soon soured into a frown. A scorching realization suddenly struck you like a bolt of lightning as your blank gaze examined every meticulously constructed feature of the structure. Nathan had arranged for a family to view the house soon. You were about to sell it; about to give away Erwins dream.

A pang of pain clawed at your heart, images of the blissful oasis this house could have been if he were still around, swirling through your mind. This house stood for the one dream Erwin had that did not revolve around the walls, titans, or Survey Corps. It was for only you and him. It was meant to be your home; and you were about to cast it off to a stranger who would never value it like Erwin would.

The void he left in your heart with his absence bled like a gaping wound, painful questions piercing your mind like thorns. Why were you standing here by yourself? Why wasn’t he by your side? Why didn’t he get to grow old in this house with you? Why didn’t he stay to see the fruit of what he fought for his entire life? Why did he choose to leave at the very last moment? He vowed that he would never let you face this world alone, and yet here you were, all by yourself. Why did he abandon his word? Abandon you?

“Why did you give up on me, Erwin?”, you wept into your palms, oblivious to the pained emerald eyes watching you from the window above.

You felt suffocated; as if the vines climbing the sand stone walls were a choke hold around your neck. Rattled by the rude awakening, the only thing you could think of doing was bolting into the woods beyond the field in hopes of being able to breathe again. Grabbing your ODM gear from the shed, you dashed towards the forest, a steady stream of tears flowing down your face.

You ran tirelessly and then deployed the grappling hooks upon making it to the first tree. You aimlessly weaved your way in between the lofty trees, having no destination set in sight, hoping for the cool wind blowing through your hair to calm you down.

You did not realize how long you had been out here until the sporadic puffs of the cannisters fell on your ears, signaling that you were out of fuel. At the very next moment, you were plummeting from a height of at least thirty meters towards the hard ground.

“Fuck!”, you hissed through gritted teeth while frantically pressing every button and pulling on every lever hoping something could break this fall.

Was this it? This is how it would all end? You shut your eyes, bracing yourself for the harsh impact, a small spark of hope in your mind that maybe you would be seeing Erwin soon.

A sudden whir of ODM wires and a figure colliding into your rapidly descending body whacked the residual wind out of your already breathless lungs. He firmly held on to you and transported you safely over to the closest branch. Levi stood towering over you. A grimace draped his face as you sat with your head between your knees, rocking yourself to try and suppress the sobs.

“Th-Thank you. For saving me.”

“What the fuck were you doing?” he spat.

“I- I ran out of fuel.”, you squeaked, barely being able to make sense of the situation.

“Ran out of fuel? Were you trying to die? What were you going to do if you broke a bone in the middle of this forest?”

“I don’t know what got into me, Levi. I just needed to get away from that place. It-it all happened too fast. But I’m fine. You're here. Uh- What are you doing here anyway?”

“Big meeting tomorrow. I’m here to take you back. Went over to your giant ass house first but those brats told me that they saw you freaking out and taking off into the woods... What even happened?”

Your cheeks flushed with embarrassment at the thought of them having seen you in your state from earlier. Levi sat down at an arm’s distance from you, his stare searing the side of your face, waiting for a response. The winds gushing through the dense forest and chirps of crickets were the only sounds cutting through the silence that fell while you watched your feet dangling off the edge of the branch.

“I don’t want to sell the manor.”, your voice was heavy, almost an inaudible whisper.

“So? I don’t recall anyone forcing you to sell it.”

“I don’t know what to do, Levi. You saw how enormous that place is. I can’t live there by myself. Especially not when I have responsibilities at the Survey Corps that I don’t intend to give up on. And even after that, staying here all alone might just drive me insane. I don’t want to sell it to a stranger. But I can't even let it weather away to eventually cave into itself. It wouldn’t be fair to Erwin.”

“You don’t have to decide right now, Smith. You’ll think of something. Just give it some time.”

You hummed in agreement, not entirely satisfied with his answer. A typhoon of thoughts swirled through your mind, conspiring with the trauma of your recent fall to subdue your rationale. Quiet minutes passed as you continued to stare into the distance, trying hard to not put an end the prolonged lull with a topic you had been avoiding all this while.

“Why did you do it?”, your eyes found a bird’s nest on the tree before you, consciously keeping them away from the man beside you who had suddenly tensed up.

You watched the sparrow feed her babies; noticing Levi’s head turned towards you from the corner of your eye. His heart was thumping. He knew what you were talking about even without you specifically saying the words. The time to face your questions was finally here.

He thought about this moment many times over the past months, trying to come up with a response that would hurt you the least. But nothing could prepare him for when he would actually have to explain to you why he chose to save someone else over the love of your life. You patiently waited for him to string the words together in his head.

“He deserved to rest, Smith. The weight of the lives lost under his command was crushing him. I couldn’t let him have more blood on his hands. I couldn’t let him be the devil any longer.”, he despaired, not failing to notice the warm tears that were now flowing down your cheeks.

“But- we could be living here in peace if you had saved him. We would be happy.”, you cried.

“Do you really think he would be happy here? You knew Erwin better than everyone else. Do you honestly believe either of you would leave everything and come here to live in some oblivious domestic bliss, especially after everything we uncovered from Grisha Yaeger’s journals?”

Sobbing intensely, you were unable to construct a logical sentence in response to that question, because Levi was correct. You kept quiet in an attempt to avoid another fiasco like before, giving yourself time to process his words.

Erwin would never give up on his duties, not after finding out about Marley and the entire world that existed out there. Neither would you, even if it would be just to be to support him. It was the bitter truth both you and Levi saw clearly, but apparently not Erwin himself when he decided to buy the property.

“Smith, if he survived, he wouldn’t come back as just your husband or the commander of Survey Corps. He would return as the holder of the colossal titan. Can you begin to fathom the kind of burden that would put on him? The onus of responsibility that would pile upon his already weary shoulders? Would you really want the kind of life for him where he would be a slave to the ungrateful pieces of shit that us humans are, just to get devoured by someone thirteen years later?”

Citizens of the walls never missed an opportunity to criticize him as the Survey Corps commander, labeled him insane and cruel for attempting to venture out beyond the walls, berated him for the loss of lives on expeditions. For years the troops would return from death’s door after leaving the walls, only to be greeted with contempt and outrage, almost always directed solely towards him. It was heartbreaking to see him being kicked while he was already down, people repeatedly picking on his innermost guilt.

But his final act was a selfless one of the transcendent kind. Erwin could have conveniently returned alive and safe if he chose to. He had every reason to exclude himself from the final charge against the beast. But he sacrificed himself for the people he had pledged to protect, those thankless humans who never appreciated his struggle until he almost died fighting the spurious king for their justice. He atoned for the lives he felt responsible for losing. At least he died with the respect he deserved, being recognized as the valiant hero he truly was.

If he had returned, they would find a new reason to detest him. Begin feeding upon him like the wretched vultures that they were. There was no winning with those nincompoops who only cared about themselves. There was no doubt that Erwin would fall prey to their expectations and demands the moment he stepped inside Wall Rose if he had survived.

It was infuriating. Why was Levi always right? Why could he predict how dysfunctional Erwin’s future would be, and you could not? When did you become so selfish – thinking only about your own happiness?

Your continued silence hovered over him like a grim storm cloud. He accepted that he would be facing the worst-case scenario of how he imagined this conversation would go- That you would end up despising him and wanting him gone. So, he stood up to leave.

“I understand if you hate me and never want to see me again, Smith.”

“Did you come all this way just to leave me stranded on this fucking tree? Sit the hell down.”, still watching the sparrow settle into her nest for the evening, you yanked Levi down by his arm.

He almost lost his footing but steadied himself by gripping your shoulder and cursed under his breath.

“Levi, I don't know if I completely concur with what you did. I can’t possibly come to terms with this conversation in the span of a few minutes – might take days, might take months. But I do find peace in the fact that Erwin is now resting. I cannot promise to always be okay with your decision. There will be moments when I may agree with you, and others when I may attempt to murder you in your sleep. But I know we both would give our lives for him without a second thought. So, we’ll just learn to cope with his absence and fight on. For him, for Miche, Nanaba, Moblit and every other comrade we’ve lost. But I do know one thing for sure, Levi. I hate you. I hate you with all my heart.”

Levi inhaled sharply, finding it difficult to digest what he just heard you say. He felt nauseous, not expecting you to be this blunt. He knew that he deserved it for the impact his actions had on you. Maybe it was time to say goodbye to another one of his friends after all the others he had lost. He felt weak. All that time spent mentally preparing for this day seemed futile as his heart sank to his stomach, leaving a burning feeling in the hollow of his chest. His eyes were stinging and his mind began spiraling out of control.

“I hate you for being a complete asshole and leaving me when I needed you the most. For not coming back to me for weeks when I needed your shoulder to lean on. For being a fetid shit-stain of a friend. I missed you, Levi. I missed you so much.”, you sniffled.

A sloppy combination of a chuckle and a sob escaped your lips when you saw his contorted face, an awkward amalgamation of shock, irritation and relief.

“I’m sorry.”, he scooted closer to wrap an arm around you and lay your head on his shoulder.

“Sorry you’re such a weak little wuss who can’t handle tough love. You should have seen yourself limping away like you shit your pants. I could barely keep it together.”

“Oh, shut up! As if you even know how to laugh. Grouchy bastard!”, you elbowed him in the ribs.

Present - Three months later- Year 851

It had been three months since you visited the manor for the first time. Three months since you decided not to sell it. Three months since you decided that if you couldn’t inhabit this property, the soldiers who fought for Eldia could.

Over the years, you witnessed many of your comrades returning from expeditions with abhorrent injuries, physical and mental, that would make it almost impossible for them to stay on in the military, or meld back in with the society. A lot of them would end up doing odd jobs, or even beg in the streets.

This house would be a second chance at life for his soldiers who braved hell to keep their people safe, just like it could have been a chance to begin a different life for you and Erwin.

The forlorn structure had now been transformed into a home, warm and alive with buzzing veterans, friendly staff present for their assistance and the Survey Corps team that was adding finishing touches to get the place up and running for its occupants. Hange, along with Shadis, Nile and Pyxis and even Zackly had made generous donations on behalf of their respective military branches, and you had poured whatever little savings you had into bringing this dream to life.

‘Commander Erwin Smith Memorial Home for Military Veterans of Eldia’

You soaked up the sight with a glistened yet grateful gaze as the enormous board was being hung on display over the foyer of the manor. Hange, who had both their arms tightly wrapped around you while they too watched your ode to Erwin coming close to completion from over your shoulder with bittersweet joy, planted a sloppy kiss on your cheek.

“He’d be so proud of you.”, they whispered.

Your eyes found Levi’s, who was busy belting out orders to Jean and Connie who were perched atop ladders, holding up the sign, making sure it was perfectly aligned. He cocked his brow, as if silently asking for your opinion. The smile that stretched on your face from ear to ear was enough assurance of your approval.

With that, he quickly relieved the boys of their duty who then proceeded to join Eren, Sasha and Floch in transporting various pieces of furniture inside the house, while Mikasa and Armin escorted the veteran residents who would call this place their home from now on, to their rooms.

“It's perfect, isn't it?”, you beamed at him when he padded over to where you and Hange stood.

“You did well, Smith.”, he said, smirking at your irritation when he ruffled your hair. “There’s something on the rocking chair on the patio that I think you might be interested in.”

You looked on at him in confusion, until the meaning of his words finally dawned upon you. Your eyes went wide, jaw slacking slightly. Was he talking about...?

“Go on.”, he nodded towards the house

You sprinted through the hallways, speedily brushing past people. You yelled a hurried apology to Armin who yelped when you crashed into him in haste. Making your way through the common room, you slammed open the doors to the patio. A moment of calm soothed your haphazard mind when the panoramic view of the paddy fields entered your vision. You immediately snapped out of the lull, eyes darting rapidly in search of what you came here to find.

There it was, the familiar white rectangular packet sitting on the teak rocking chair that Eren and Mikasa built together. Picking the letter up from the seat, you made yourself comfortable on it. Taking a deep breath whilst looking out at the setting sun, you eagerly opened the envelope, unable to wait any longer to read his new message.

Hello there, Lady Smith!

What did you think of the house? It was probably a little bigger than you imagined, wasn’t it? Sorry about that. I got a little carried away. Maybe the surprise would be more pleasant if I were around. I wish I could be there to see your reaction. I hope you didn’t forget to breathe like you always do.

With this letter, we come to the next part. What I'm about to ask of you might be a little challenging, and you are going to need to be strong. And you’re the strongest person I know, love. Because you’ve been the pillar of strength that I could lean on at every step of the way. It may be difficult at first. But I promise that it will get easier.

I know how much you love my phonograph. I remember all the evenings we spent slow dancing to the classics after a long day’s work. I’m sure you still listen to it now. Hence, that and the house will be my only possessions that you will keep.

I want you to give away the rest of my material belongings.

I don’t have much to give, but I’m sure that whatever little there is can help someone in need. I’m positive that you will find a good use for it all.

Apart from everything inside our quarters, there is one more place where I have some items stored. Ask Levi to show you where the trunk is.

Another little note will be waiting for you inside it.

Love, I know that this task is going to be a lot more difficult for you to do in comparison with the previous ones. But we both know that it is necessary. It is time to begin to let go. You don’t need to carry this weight with you. Because only when you let go, will you be able to make space in your life for something better.

You don’t need my things in front of your eyes to remind you of me. I live in your heart in the form of all the memories we created together and through these letters. Those things are futile and hold no candle to the invisible bond we have. And that bond is all you’ll ever need.

Rip it off like a bandage, quick and painless. Because sometimes holding on can be more excruciating than letting go. Remember, this is not about losing me. It is about finding yourself again. I can’t rebuild you. But I can help you pick up the pieces. It’s time to begin healing now, love.

Whenever you need me, just place your hand on your heart, close your eyes and take a deep breath. Because that’s where I’ll always be.

I love you, my commandress.

Forever in your heart,

Erwin

One month before the Battle of Shiganshina, Year 850

You were awoken by the kiss planted on your cheek and a warm hand cupping your face. Leaning into the familiar touch, you opened your eyes to find Erwin hovering over your sprawled form. His lips were upturned into a weary smile that you returned with your own. You had fallen asleep while reading, propped up against the headboard of your bed with the book still clutched in your hands; and he had just returned from yet another unreasonably long work day at 1 AM, according to the grandfather clock that just chimed in his office.

“You should be resting, love.”, Erwin eyed your fractured leg and the bandages on your head while beginning to peel the uniform off his body after you helped him unbutton it.

“So should you.”, you jerked your head towards his bandaged shoulder, “You know I can’t rest well when you’re not around.”

He shook his head, pecking your cheek again before heading into the bathroom. He emerged minutes later with a towel wrapped around his waist, gleaming droplets of water still clinging to his bare skin. A whiff of sandalwood soap filled the room. You bit your lower lip, gazing over his form from top to toe with a coy smile.

“All these years and you still eye me like a starving predator.”, he joked, putting on a pair of white cotton pyjamas and wiping the residual droplets off his chest.

“Can you blame me?”, you shrugged. He sat down before you and you began redressing his arm; eyes still glued to his chiseled torso, “Anyway, eyeing you is all I can do right now since I have two fractures too many to do anything more. So, I really am starving for you, Commander Smith.”

He lay down by your side and pulled you close, nuzzling his face into the back of your neck, careful not to hurt your injured body. His fingers traced feathery circles on your stomach while peppering your shoulders with kisses, just like he did every night.

“Love, have you ever wanted kids?”, he lips brushed against your skin when he asked out of the blue.

“Hm?”, you hesitated, wondering whether you heard him right in your half-asleep haze, “Erwin, this book of life you keep mentioning; Are we still just turning pages or did you get an entirely new one?”

The breathy chuckle that he let out tickled your neck. “It's not that. I was at Queen Historia’s orphanage today. And it got me thinking. We spoke many times about relationships and marriage. But never about parenthood.”

“I did imagine having a small family. Maybe one or two children. But that was much before I joined Survey Corps. Things are different now because I’m not selfish enough to have a child who could have to grow up without their parents, and neither are you. Besides, Hange is enough for us. Don’t you think?”

Erwin couldn't get himself to respond. His felt restless due to the quiet battle that had ensued between his heart and mind about expressing the thought that he had spent all day pondering over. He opened his mouth several times, but suppressed the urge to utter what he knew would shock you even more than the question he asked you minutes ago. He finally mustered up enough courage to speak after his emotions finally defeated logic.

“Have you ever thought about having a family of our own? Somewhere far away from the chaos, when this is all over?”

He was greeted with silence.

“Love?”, he called, tapping on your shoulder.

You whined sheepishly when he called out to you again. He didn't realize when you fell back asleep during the time it took for him to settle his inner turmoil, leaving you oblivious to the life-changing question that had just been presented before you.

Erwin guessed that it was a sign. Maybe it was not meant to be. Maybe he would bring it up later, when the time came. He held you close, gently kissing the back of your head as slumber slowly captured the overworked commander.

Two | Three | Four

A/N: Hello readers! I'll be travelling all of next week! Which means I may not be able to keep up with my weekly chapter update. Sorry for the wait! 💔

P.S.: I do have a Levi one-shot queued up for 8/20 :)

#erwin x reader #erwin smith x reader #erwin angst #erwin smith #commander erwin #levi ackerman x reader #aot x reader #attack on titan #snk x reader #snk #shingeki no kyojin

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ack3rlady · 3 years

Text

In A Perfect World - Part 2

Summary:

“And with that, I want to give you this ring that once belonged to my mother, with a promise that that you will never have to face this world alone.”

Leaving you a series of letters to cope with his death, Erwin kept the promise he made to you…the implausible promise of forever and beyond.

Concept inspired by the novel ‘P.S. I Love you’ by Cecelia Ahern.

Notes: Angst/Comfort, Fluff, Character death, Swearing, Spoilers for S3.

CW: Description of nervous breakdown, mentions of injury, alcohol use.

Word Count: ~6.3k

One | Two | Three

Master List

Tags: @sooibian @red-n-tall @ibimyeon @artistgoudeau @erasingonce @erwinzacharias @machinegunkellies @emmysmith @spiritusdei @maryaeger @devilslover666 @saysuchwonderfulthings; anyone who would like to be added/removed, please let me know!

Song Rec - P.S. I Love You - Bette Midler

“Wait, you can't - Ugh! - you can't leave me here! You’re the commander. He won't refuse your orders! Ouch! You piece of shit!”, you latched on to Hange’s sleeve as they struggled to pry you off their body, making you both topple to the floor.

“As if he would ever refuse if you asked. Just talk to him already! - Ow! You twat! - I’m in no mood for his grouchy face today. This is all on you.”, they croaked while trying to shimmy their way out from under you and you tightened your grip around them.

The two of you wrestled in front of the door to Levi’s office, squabbling over which one of you would talk to him about Erwin’s instructions in his letter. Hange had originally agreed to accompany you and make the request on your behalf, but what started off as cold feet on your way to meet with him, turned into a full-blown scuffle once you made it outside his quarters. Their attempt at fleeing had you both in a knot on the floor.

“What the fuck are you even doing?”, a cold voice broke up the ruckus and grey eyes surveyed the frozen heap that lay before him.

One of your hands clutched Hange’s jacket and the other one caught their waist in a vice grip. One of their hands was lost in your hair and the other flat against your face, pushing it away. Levi could not tell which leg belonged to whom in your entangled mess while you both gaped at him, looking horrified. Too engrossed in the pandemonium, neither of you had realized when the doors to his office had creaked open.

“As much as this feels like your wildest fantasy coming true, get the fuck back to work before I break your limbs.”, he barked at the group of cadets that had gathered to watch the spectacle.

“Umm.. Levi. Sorry about that. We-uh, I need to talk to you.”, you scrambled to straighten your appearance and addressed the unimpressed man standing before you, silently wishing for a titan to magically appear and wipe out your existence.

He did not respond. After glaring at you for a solid minute, he moved to the side, silently signaling you to enter. You and Hange brushed past him and minced your way up to the midst of his office. They made themselves comfortable on the windowsill, their lips upturned mischievously, waiting for the chaos to ensue.

Not much had changed since the last time you were here on the morning he left for Shiganshina. Orderly stacks of papers laid on his desk, books organized alphabetically and by genre on the shelves of the large mahogany bookcase by the window, a neatly folded throw blanket draping the arm of the brown leather couch, a delicate porcelain tea set gracing the center table; it was all excessively impeccable- almost untouchable.

“In my defense, you were not meant to witness that.”, you turned to look at Levi upon hearing the door close around you.

“I don’t think you have any defense in what I just had to witness.”, he said nonchalantly. He sat down at his desk and resumed writing whatever he was before the commotion had disturbed him.

“And what's yours for breaking into my room last night?”, you asked keeping a stern watch on his reaction.

You noticed Hange’s neck dart in his direction from the corner of your eye. Levi’s face showed a brief sign of astonishment. You were sure you he gulped down a lump in his throat, but his cravat blocked your vision. He was quick to regain his usual stoic composure.

“I don’t know what you are talking about.”, he declared looking away, beginning to write again. 'Erwin was right.', he thought, ' You are too smart for your own good.'

“Oh, come on! Don’t play innocent. You cleaned, Levi. You fucking cleaned. And you thought I wouldn’t figure out? How the fuck did you get away with your underground heists by leaving behind obvious clues like that?”, you clamped your fingers down on his desk, feeling restless. His eyes flashed with irritation at Hange when they sniggered.

“Well, I can't help it if you choose to live like a filthy sewer rat.”, he retorted.

“Pardon me for prioritizing mourning my husband over dusting the shelves, you ass.", you scoffed. "Anyway, I did not come here to discuss hygiene. You very well know what I’m here to talk about.”

“Fine.”

Timidly rubbing your fingers on your temples, you squeaked, “But before that, could you please get us some tea? I've had a long day and it isn't even noon yet.”

Without a word, Levi stood up and walked to the door, heading for the kitchen at the mess hall. 'Always so dramatic', he silently mused. Less than a second after stepping out, he cocked his head back in.

“Oi! Don’t even think about going through my things. I will not hesitate to tackle you to the ground if I find out you’ve been snooping around in my office.”

You screwed-up your face, offended by the blatant accusation. Rolling your eyes, you sank back into the chair with a huff. He knew you too well.

Five years ago, Year 845.

It was a cool and crisp September evening. The Sun had just disappeared beyond Wall Rose, casting a glorious lilac glow on everything in sight. The sweet fragrance of wet earth, chirps of birds, rustling leaves, and the warmth from the crackling bonfire was a welcome change from the stench of blood and the cacophony of desperate screams of your comrades from your most recent expedition. Although the scouts were successful at setting up a base in one of the abandoned villages inside Wall Maria, the regiment had lost a few good soldiers on the mission.

Just like every time, the troops were given a day off upon returning. Some went home to visit family, some decided to stay back at the headquarters to catch up on rest. You and your closest friends decided to spend the night camping on the outskirts of the woods by Dauper. Miche and Levi erected the tents, you and Nanaba set up logs around the fire to sit on, and Hange and Moblit were out fetching water.

Erwin, who had only been Commander of the Survey Corps for a few months, was neck deep in the formalities that usually followed expeditions and had decided to give the outing a miss. You had begged and pleaded him to take a much-needed break and come along. But the man could not see beyond the piles of paperwork and the numerous meetings lined up before him. With a million apologies and a promise to make it up to you upon your return, he had left for Wall Sina to meet with General Zackly.

“Fuck! We ran out of water again!”, Miche whined, seeming not much older than an overgrown toddler.

The evening was proceeding much better than you expected. After setting up camp and fetching supplies, you and the gang had ventured into the forest to hunt for dinner and returned with a catch of fowls and rabbits along with some fresh fruit and herbs Levi and Moblit had picked. Everyone was now seated on the logs around the fire, devouring the food, sipping on ale and sharing stories. Thrilled about your first evening off in forever, most of the alcohol carried was wiped out within a few hours.

“I’ll go get us refills.”, you volunteered, standing up with a stumble and gathering everyone’s canteens.

You strolled over to the nearby stream, feeling pleasantly buzzed, and began filling the canteens one by one. The serenity of the woods was mesmerizing. Faint sounds of laughter and chitchat traveled to your ears from the campsite, but your senses were mostly enthralled by the chirping crickets, the burbling stream, and the glossy leaves of trees shimmering under the silver moonlight. You took a deep breath of cool, fresh air and wondered when you last had the chance to take a moment to appreciate nature.

“Hello, beautiful.”, a deep voice startled you and two hands snaked around your waist. You hurled a blind punch into the dark at whoever it was, earning a yelp from the man when he crashed into the tree behind him.

“Fuck! Erwin, is that you?”, you gasped after finally recognizing his features under the pale radiance of the moon. You rushed to his side as he leaned against the tree covering his eye with both hands.

“Erwin? Are you okay? I’m so sorry! When did you even get here? I had no idea you were-” you were interrupted by his shushing.

“It's okay, love! I should have known better than to spook you in the dark. And my eye is not too bad. It’ll probably leave a mark, but my vision is fine.”, he assured, bringing you in for a tender kiss.

“So, what brings the busiest man in the walls out in the woods with us measly peasants?”, you sneered, fiddling with his bolo tie.

“I missed you, love. I could not bear to see your downcast face this morning and thought it would be nice to come here and cheer you up. I know how you love surprises!”, he crooned.

“Zackly canceled the meeting, huh?”

“Well...”, he rubbed his hand on his neck with a guilty chuckle.

“But I really did miss you. Let me show you how much. I did promise to make up for lost time, didn’t I?”, the luminous moonlight revealed a wicked glint in his eyes as he pulled you closer.

“Woah! The forest called for a wild session, huh? I wonder what move caused the black eye!”, Hange quacked, taking a sip of ale while leaning heavily for support on Moblit even while sitting down. You had just walked back to the camp looking visibly flushed and Erwin was helping you with the canteens.

“Looking for inspiration, are we? Wild sessions seem to happen in your room on the daily. We share a wall, remember?”, you retorted, smacking them playfully.

“Hange-san, please stop!”, Moblit was ready to dive headfirst into the fire.

Miche and Nanaba wolf whistled, Levi held his usual scowl and Erwin hurried away towards the captain to avoid being dragged into the inappropriate conversation, all while Moblit melted into a puddle of embarrassment. Before Hange could spout another nasty retort, Miche interrupted-

“Enough with the filthy talk, you perverts! We were amidst discussing Levi’s assault style. What the fuck kind of – hic – technique is that?”, he hiccuped, swaying the attention off the awkward topic, much to Moblit’s and Erwin’s relief.

“A fucking good one.”, Levi deadpanned, looking intently into the brilliant flames.

“I could never do it. And believe me, I’ve tried.”, Nanaba raised her hands in defeat and Moblit nodded in agreement.

“I did hear a certain someone say it looked simple enough, aren't I right?”, Miche turned to you with an evil grin spread across his face and added, “Let's see you do it.”

You quickly looked away to save face when Levi’s gaze of betrayal fell on you, fighting the urge to physically hurt Miche. Never had you labeled it a simple move; you only mentioned to Miche and Nanaba in passing that it was an impressive one and you could see yourself applying it after appropriate training. You tried perfecting it by yourself a few times, but the flow was never as smooth as Levi’s. And with the fall of Wall Maria and all the additional responsibilities that came with it, you did not want to add more to his plate and to your own.

“Miche, you treacherous fucking titan. I said nothing of that sort.", you growled at the large man sitting across the bonfire from you. "Besides, I've had a lot to drink. So, I’ll pass on the opportunity to rapidly spin in the air with a belly full of alcohol.”

“Love, I took you for a lot of things, but never a chicken.”, Erwin’s voice was deceitfully innocuous as he smiled down from your side, wrapping his arm around you.

“Consider this payback for the punch.”, he leaned in to whisper words meant for your ears only, and cheekily kissed your temple. Of course, he was not going to let you off the hook without being petty about it. If only his soldiers knew how frivolous their oh-so-honorable commander could be sometimes.

Boisterous oohs rang through the group. You scowled at Erwin’s sheer audacity and swatted his arm away. You could tolerate being called many names, but a coward? Never in a million years would you accept that; especially coming from your lover, who was also your commander and was currently flashing the most malevolent smile at you.

“Fuck this.", you seethed. "Levi! We’re on.”

You shoved your pale of ale into Erwin’s chest and stood up, dusting yourself off. The deafening cheers made you wince as you supported yourself on his shoulder for a few moments to steady your swaying body.

“Oi, I don’t think this is a good idea. You can barely stand.”, warning you in a voice laced with concern, Levi grabbed your elbow when you fumbled with putting on your ODM gear.

You only snarled at him in response. He glanced anxiously at Erwin, hoping for him to put a stop to this madness. But all he received in return was a smile and a nod to continue. Were the great veterans of Survey Corps really that intoxicated? Was he the only sane one around? Why was no one foreseeing the world of hurt you were about to put yourself in? Erwin, who was usually the voice of rationality in such situations, also seemed to be too tipsy to think clearly. Why does no one ever just let him relax and have a good time?

A few demonstrations and a myriad of instructions later, you stood at the end of the clearing, peering up at the two closest trees, measuring the spots you planned to deploy your grappling hooks into. With a deep breath, you pressed hard on the triggers and felt your feet leave the ground.

“Fuck!”

Your eyes slowly flickered open, your head throbbing so painfully that you could feel the pulse at the base of your skull. You groaned while caressing it and looked around to find yourself lying in bed, your bed back at the headquarters. Erwin was by your side, propped up against the headboard with an arm around you. Hange was sprawled by your feet flicking her fingers through the air as if doing some mental calculations. Moblit, whose eyes were glued to them, looked up and smiled at you when he noticed you waking up. Miche and Nanaba sat immersed in a quiet conversation on the couch by the window, and Levi was leaning against the door with the usual frown on his face. Your sudden movement brought all their eyes on you.

“Welcome back, my love. How do you feel?”, Erwin asked, gently running his thumb over your forehead.

“Wh- What happened?”, you croaked, curling up into the side of his warm body.

“Oh, look! Humanity’s strongest concussion is finally awake!”, Hange squealed.

Present – Year 850

“And what makes you think I’m going to be party to that shitshow again?”, Levi’s stony voice broke you out of your reverie.

He looked at you as if you had just asked him to commit murder on your behalf. You, Hange and Levi sat in his office, drinking tea from delicate porcelain cups, each one reminiscing that same incident from five years ago after you finally told him about Erwin’s wish from his letter.

“Shitshow? Levi, it would have gone well if I wasn’t hammered and if you were not such a lousy teacher.”, you shrugged looking away, taking a triumphant sip of the steaming beverage.

“A teacher is only as good as their student.”, he rolled his eyes.

“I’m pretty sure that the saying is the other way round.”, Hange chimed in.

“Shut up, shitty glasses. It is not when it comes to this little shit.”, he lazily jerked his head in your direction.

You were now beginning to feel restless, “Well, are you going to train me or not?”

“No.”

“Hey! Its Erwin’s order!”

“Of course, it is. Eyebrows is haunting me from beyond the grave. Why am I not surprised? Fine. Fifty laps.”

Fifty? Dumbfounded, you gaped at him. Your mouth formed into an o shape, as if waiting for him to finally admit to jesting.

“Hey! It’s Erwin’s order.”, Levi mocked your tone; “Furthermore, you're out of form, and I don’t intend to revive the infamous humanity’s strongest concussion. So, fifty laps. Now.”

Hange’s shrill cackle and your slap on their shoulder that followed, reverberated throughout the headquarters.

Rivers.

You were sweating rivers, toiling underneath the harsh summer sun, two weeks into training. It almost felt like the blazing ball of energy hanging high up in the sky was purposefully directing the entirety of its wrath on your weakened form. Your lungs threatened to shatter your ribs as you struggled to inhale enough air to soothe them.

The previously rigid regime you had was in a complete disarray lately, which directly impacted your endurance. Just thirty-five laps in out of the targeted fifty, your legs were yearning to give in. But you had to pull through; prove yourself worthy of Erwin’s belief in you. At least you were better off than the first day of training when you collapsed after just twenty-three. After powering through the remaining fifteen laps, the grim reminder that the run was just a warmup exercise slapped you across the face when you spotted Levi waiting for you by the stables holding two sets of ODM gear.

Heaving, you floundered over to him and the pair of you headed into the woods where the recruits generally trained on their ODM skills and silently began strapping on your respective sets of gear. You were consciously avoiding eye contact with the captain, squirming under the weight his judgmental gaze for the embarrassing show of incompetence that you had just put up. He crouched before you, tugging and tightening each strap to make sure your gear was secure on your body; something he did before every training exercise and expedition ever since you became friends. Just then, Hange strolled in to oversee the session.

“Oi! A dog chasing its tail spins faster than you. Pick up the speed, Smith!”, Levi roared while you were mid-air, attempting to slash the nape of the wooden dummy before you.

You missed. It was tricky to hold hand-eye coordination when your body was at such a high momentum. And the continual taunts from the man were definitely not of any help. Most of your slashes would either be too shallow, or completely off.

“I've been at this unceasingly for four hours, Levi! Besides, your constant whining- Ahh! Cramp!”, you hissed, and crashed into the hard ground with a thud. Hange rushed to your side and began fussing over you as if you were a delicate flower.

“Good luck fulfilling Erwin’s wish at this rate. I wonder what took over him when he thought you could do this. I’m glad he isn’t here to witness this pathetic sight of you showcasing yourself as titan fodder.”, he spoke dryly, gracefully landing a short distance away from where you fell.

You saw red. Your body was trembling; not with exhaustion, but with rage at Levi's words that were like shards of glass being aimed at you. How dare he speak of Erwin this way? The audacity. His features flashed with a glimpse of regret before he promptly raised his walls back up.

There were many ways you could have responded. Like, 'If you don't want to train me, don't show up from tomorrow.", or something simpler, like 'I'm sorry, I'll try harder."

Instead, your tumultuous mind came up with the most bitter words you could have possibly uttered. The venom spilled from your mouth even before you strung the sentence together in your head.

“Yeah? And who do you think is responsible for Erwin's absence?”, you yelled, face wet from the thick streams of sweat and tears.

“Don’t.”, Hange cut you off before you could cause any more damage.

Levi took a step back. Eyes wide, nostrils flared, lips parted, he looked pained - like a kicked puppy. After the few seconds of triumphant hubris, the realization of what had just escaped your lips dawned upon you. Severe exhaustion combined with his words led you to express feelings you never meant to say out loud, especially not without knowing his side of the story.

Your fury plummeted to remorse. You felt disgusted by yourself. Slapping your palm over your mouth you turned to leave, limping away in tears at a shamefully slow pace. Hange began to trail after you, but a hand tightly gripped theirs. Levi silently shook his head when they turned to look at him.

Visibly disappointed in the captain, they demanded, “Low blow, Levi. Why would you say that to her?”

“She won’t live if she performs like this outside the walls. And I can't have her die on me. Even if it involves her hating my guts.”, Levi couldn’t raise his head to look them in the eye.

“How is being cold to her going to help? You distanced yourself away from her similarly after finding out about her and Erwin.", they reached out to set a hand on his shoulder that he dodged. "I don’t know if your old feelings are resurfacing, but don’t block her out right now, Levi, not when she needs us.”

He remained silent, letting out a long, suffering sigh as the two watched your feeble figure slowly inching away, disappearing into the distance.

Closing the door to the quarters, you leaned back against it, head resting on the wood with a resounding thud . You were drained. Every unbearable minute without Erwin was sucking the life out of you - slowly and painfully. Just when you thought that things couldn't get any worse, you went right ahead and proved yourself wrong.

A fresh stream of hot agony instantly began flowing down your cheeks. You repeatedly slammed your fists against the creaking oak, unsure how to vent the growing desperation, your anguished growl echoing through the empty room.

You were so angry. But at whom? At Levi, for saying that? Or at yourself, for responding to his punch with a kick? Or were you angry at Erwin, for leaving? Did you just distance yourself from the only family you had remaining? Isolate yourself from the people you loved?

Every breath felt laborious. You wanted to scream; scream until that horrible burning sensation in your chest would go away; scream till you would have no voice left, till the heaviness of your heart would vanish. A heaviness so debilitating that you felt physically weak.

You collapsed on to the floor, wailing into your knees that you held close to your chest, reminiscing over that morning when Erwin woke up from his coma. How you wished he had just listened to you, put his stubborn beliefs aside just one more time. Then, maybe things would be different. Maybe every second wouldn't be this agonizing.

On the other side of the door, a somber Eren stood with his head pressed against the barrier, feeling incredibly helpless.

About two months before the Battle of Shiganshina – Year 850

Blonde hair resembled fiery strings of gold when mellow rays of the rising sun seeping through the gaps in the curtains fell on them. You sluggishly ran your fingers through Erwin’s locks, unable to take your eyes off the battered man that lay in front of you.

Time seemed to be passing at an excruciatingly slow pace, as if trying to vex you. It had been a week since Erwin fell into a coma after losing his arm. Each minute of those seven days you spent by his side, watching him like a hawk.

Every second felt like eternity as you endlessly prayed to whoever was listening. You prayed for his recovery, even when the doctors' optimism was dwindling with each passing day.

You had been staring at his every feature for Walls knew how long – the creases between his brows, the lines under his eyes, wispy strands of beard starting to grow, the way his eyelids fluttered in deep sleep, his lips that were now dry and chapped, how his hair brushed against his forehead when you caressed it. Watching him had entranced you to the extent that you failed to notice when his sapphire eyes opened to look back at you.

You gasped on feeling him lean into your touch in an effort to capture your attention.

“Erwin!”

“Good morning, love.”, he croaked. “It’s morning, isn't it?”

You nodded breathlessly and fed him water from the glass on the side table. After he oriented himself with the infirmary room you rushed to kiss him, your face almost colliding with his. You were desperate to feel his warmth, struggling to differentiate between fantasy and reality.

No amount of stale breath or coarse skin could dampen the extreme relief you were experiencing. The sudden wave of joy that washed over you with his touch was overwhelming. The whole moment felt surreal.

This was really happening.

He was awake. Alive. And kissing you.

Your already swollen eyes were overflowing with pent up tears when you finally let your walls break, some warm droplets landing on his own skin before you pulled away. He was about to wipe them away, beginning to raise his right hand to bring to your face.

Both of you tensed up when his gaze dropped to the bandages wrapped around what was left of it.

“Hey.”, you whispered, gently turning his face towards you, “We’ll get through this together. Okay?”, bringing a timid smile to his lips.

“Do you know what was going through my mind when it was happening?”, he mused, wiping the glimmering streak running down your cheek with his remaining arm, “I couldn’t stop thinking about how you'd probably kill me if I survived this. But you seem relatively calm.”

“There’s a world of pain awaiting you when Dr. Sasaki approves your discharge from here, Commander. For now, I’m just glad you are okay.”, you smiled feebly, eyes still brimming.

“Hey. Come here. I'll be alright. I have you.”, He assured, more himself than you.

He pulled you closer to rest your head on his chest. Your eyes involuntarily squeezed shut at the sound of his steady heartbeat, instantly intensifying the sobs escaping your mouth.

“Erwin, I feel like I’m losing you.”, you wept.

“I’m here, aren't I?”

You moved away to look at him in disbelief, “You got lucky this time. What if you hadn't made it back?”

You stared at each other in silence.

“Let’s walk away from this while we can, Erwin. You lost a whole limb. What if it’s worse next time? Just - Please don’t go back out there again.”

“You know I would never do that. I will never quit on my soldiers. I will not give up on my dream. This is something we have discussed many times, haven't we?”

'But what about me?', you silently thought. But you were aware that it would be futile to bring it up.

“I know.”, you despaired. “But can you quit being Commander Erwin for a little while and just be my husband? I already know the facts. But, - Just say what I need to hear. Please?”

“Alright.”, he sighed, “I made a vow to you three months ago, love. I’ll never let you face this world alone. And I intend to keep it. You know I’m a man of my word, don’t you?”

Present – October 14, 850

The chilly breeze sent shudders down your spine, making you shrink further into the knitted shawl wrapped around your shoulders, that was a birthday present from Erwin from three years ago. You instantly regretted your choice of attire- a delicate and airy mauve summer dress that stretched just below your knees – highly inappropriate for a brisk autumn evening. But it was his favorite dress on you. How could you not wear it today?

The Sun had just set. Cool blues and warm pinks were dueling to capture the vast expanse of the sky, in turn casting a lavender bloom on the graveyard stretching as far as the eye could see, giving it an oddly tranquil aura. Rows and rows of headstones were sprinkled on the ground, symbolizing the souls that departed from this world fighting for a great cause. Your lone figure slowly drifted towards its destination, to visit the man you dearly missed on his special day. You seated yourself by Erwin’s grave, lit a candle and placed a bowl of his favorite bread pudding with rum soaked raisins by his headstone.

“Happy birthday, Erwin. I see you have already had a visitor.”, you whispered running your fingers on the cold marble, your gaze set on the lone teacup beside the flickering candle.

“I did it, love. It was my last day of training with Levi today. Took two grueling months; but I finally mastered the technique, albeit not as well as its creator. I ended up at the infirmary quite a few times, as you probably already know, but it was all worth it. I could only achieve this because you believed in me, Erwin.

I’m sorry, I'm late. I should have been the first to visit. Honestly, I couldn’t convince myself to see you this way. I know that it has been a while; but I still can't believe that you aren't here. You kept your word of never leaving me alone, although not quite in the way I imagined. My heart still hopes to see you walk into our room every night and hold me as I try to fall asleep. You never do. But I know you are still around, watching over me. I miss you. I - “, you were interrupted by the squelch of wet mud behind you. You turned to find a frightened Armin shooting you a salute.

“Squad Leader Smith. I’m- I’m sorry! I wasn’t eavesdropping! I’m just here to visit because it- it’s Commander Erwin’s birthday today.”, he squeaked, starting to hurriedly walk away.

Shit! The reminder you set for yourself months ago about having a chat with him was long forgotten once you got to training. You had not made a single effort to approach the boy ever since the day you saw him in the hallway conversing with Levi.

“Why are you leaving without visiting, then? Come, sit.”, you patted on the patch of grass beside you. He did as asked.

“I -” “I -”, you began in unison.

“Go ahead.”, you smiled.

“I’m sorry.”, he sniffled, his voice barely audible; “This is all happening because of me. You wouldn’t have to be here if they had just given him the syringe. It should have been me buried here, not him. He should have been the one to -”

“Stop that, will you? Quit blaming yourself for any of this. None of what happened is your fault; its nobody's fault. Yes, my loss is invaluable. But even at my lowest, I never wished for you to have died in Shiganshina. In fact, I’m relieved you got a second chance at life. I’m sure Erwin would be too. The man adored you.”, you soothed the shaking boy by rubbing your hand on his back.

“Really?”, his neck snapped in your direction, eyes wide and brimming with tears.

“Believe it or not, Armin; you're like the son we could never have. You're so much like him. Your mannerisms, vision, intellect; you even look a little alike! He saw himself in you sometimes, and would be devastated if he ever found out that he survived at the expense of your life. So, stop apologizing, and carry on his legacy by helping our people, got it?”, you nudged into Armin’s shoulder with yours.

“I promise.”, he smiled.

With misty eyes, you watched him walk away; leaving behind a notebook as a present for Erwin, in which he had written about his inferences from Dr. Yaeger’s diary. The cold was starting to sting. You rubbed your palms on your skin hoping for the friction to generate some warmth.

“You did that, didn’t you?”, you smiled at Erwin’s name etched into the stone.

You stayed glued to your spot long after sunset, bringing Erwin up to speed with your fall out with Levi, about how he still showed up even after you horribly messed up. How you meant to apologize to him, but were too scared to have the conversation that it would turn into. Eventually, the cold got too harsh to bear and you decided to return to the headquarters to the warmth of your quarters.

Meandering through the building, you were surprised by how eerie the empty hallways looked in the dull light of the oil lamps. Staying outside the confines of your room after curfew was not a usual exercise for you ever since you moved into Erwin’s quarters years ago. Upon making it to the fourth floor, you spotted the familiar imposing oak doors that stood tall at the end of the hallway, their brass knobs gleaming underneath the dull luminescence. Then your eyes fell on an object that lay at the base of these doors, its white color standing out glaringly against the dark wooden floor.

You knew exactly what it was. Your feet sped up almost unconsciously and you sprinted towards your destination. It was just what you expected it to be. Another letter from Erwin. Identical words as the last one written delicately on the pristine white envelope -

Lady Smith

A vanishing shadow shut the door to their office at lightning speed when you snapped your neck to the left for signs of the messenger. It belonged to a certain captain you weren't exactly on speaking terms with. The fact that he was still concerned about you after everything that happened, brought a smile to your face.

All the exhaustion that had built up after a hectic day disappeared in a flash. Holding the parcel close to your heart, you hurriedly unlocked the doors and rushed in. You seated yourself on Erwin’s old chair, wrapped his cloak around yourself and lit the candles on the table. With bated breath, you opened the envelope and fished out the piece of paper inside, your smile only widening upon receiving yet another message from your one true love.

Hello again, my love!

If things are going as I intended, you should be adept at Levi’s signature technique by now. Congratulations, Lady Smith! I knew you had it in you to master it! I sincerely hope there were no concussions involved this time.

What I am about to reveal in this letter may come as a surprise to you, essentially because that is how I intended it to be. Except, I would have loved to be standing by your side when you first witnessed it.

Love, I spent my whole life chasing after a carrot; a carrot that would reveal to me what was outside the walls, that would divulge why my family had to undergo what it did all those years ago. No one knows better than you of how it governed my existence and how every decision I made selfishly revolved around it. That is, until you walked into my heart. Your arrival opened my eyes to a new dream, a dream that involved just you and me.

Just us. And no one else.

I fought tooth and nail to dismiss it; overlooked it, labeled it a distraction, even attempted to block you out of my life. But you didn’t give up on me, and I am so thankful that you stayed. Because it would be a shame if I missed the opportunity to experience the love and joy you gave me in this lifetime. I feel fortunate to have loved you unconditionally, even though it was fated to be short-lived. If I had a chance to go back in time, I would still do it all over again.

And this made me sway from the track we had set for ourselves. The track of living each day like it was our last. But I couldn’t help but plan a future with you. So here goes...

I bought a house.

I know, you probably think I have been losing my mind bit by bit every day since Maria fell. But let me tell you my side of the story.

Do you remember Nathan, my old friend from Training Corps whom we met when we eloped to Kasol? He informed me that he was about to sell his family home. At that point I wasn’t remotely thinking about buying it.

But on our wedding night when you were asleep by my side, the shimmering ring on your finger and the ethereal glow on face under the moonlight reminded me of a dream I had hopelessly tucked away into the farthest corner of my heart. A dream that made me believe that we too could live a normal life some day; that we too could finally settle down, away from the chaos when this would all be over.

And I thought what better place to do that than the village I grew up in and the place where we exchanged vows? So, I went back the following week and bought the house where I hoped to live out my days with you and have a family of our own someday.

I want you to visit it; see what I saw. It is your house now. Take a little vacation. I don’t expect you to live there all by yourself, I know how afraid you are of large old houses. Take Hange and Levi!

The key and map are under the large stack of dusty old files on the middle shelf of the bookcase. I hope you like it.

I love you, my commandress.

Yours forever and beyond,

Erwin

One | Two | Three

#erwin x reader #erwin smith x reader #erwin angst #commander erwin #levi ackerman x reader #attack on titan #aot x reader #aot fic #snk #shingeki no kyojin #CW: nervous breakdown

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