#maybe i will feel okay next semester . etc.

[smitherscreens]

midwest indigo this paladin strait that where is the love for next semester

#me when i blog about songs that will not be released for 2 months. #next semester makes me think of like . this semester is miserable and unending but maybe once i make it through next semester will be bette #maybe i will feel okay next semester . etc. #this is just me projecting crazystyle tho #i mean. tyler did go to college so i don't think it's out of the realm of possibility that he would write a song about #the horrors of The Semester #clancy #s talks

[teabutmakeitazure]

(university au with Childe as your brother's best friend)

You've never been one to pry into your brother's friend group, not until you started going to the same university as him. Yeah he's a little older than you and you never treat him with the respect of an older sibling but he took care of you when you moved for uni. It helps that he has friends in your dorm despite not living in them anymore, but it sure as hell doesn't help that almost all of his friends know you and treat you like a sister. Don't misunderstand. The way you're treated is good, but it gets a little tiring to be referred to as someone's sister by strangers and greeted with familiarity because they know you while you don't know them.

All goes fine and dandy with him and his friends showing you shortcuts around campus and good places to shop and eat until mid semester rolls around. There's mid terms whooping your ass and you finally make it to reading week barely alive (who decided to keep mid terms before reading week anyway?). It's when you meet up with your brother on a weekly dinner together that there's an unexpected guest. It's one of his friends? Alright. Wouldn't be the first time you've had to be in their presence. Wait. It's his best friend? Your brother has a best friend?

Okay. That's fine. So your brother has someone he's close to. That's good. You meet him and have dinner together. He's ginger but that's a curse he has to deal with himself. You find it cute how he talks about his siblings and maybe the reason why he's your brother's best friend is because of how family orientated both of them are. You exchange contacts like with all the others and think nothing of it even after he's in a same class as you in the next semester. It's just one of those common mandatory courses required to graduate. No big deal.

After the first two classes, you find yourself sitting with him in every class and being in the same tutorial group. Your brother says it's a coincidence with the tutorial group, but you honestly don't mind. He's polite and makes good jokes (even if some of them are shitty puns or dirty). As time passes, you start to understand why your brother is friends with him. The three of you have the same taste in games, movies, shows, etc. It doesn't seem to be much of a surprise that by the end of the semester, you are good friends with the ginger cursed guy named Ajax.

Summer vacation goes well with him sending you photos of his siblings or sceneries of his homeland as well as ranting about his remote internship. You send a few photos of your brother and sceneries back, but don't reply too enthusiastically because it feels a little weird being good friends with your brother's best friend. Ajax contacts you as usual but somewhere towards the end of summer vacation, his messages become... rare. It doesn't bother you at first, your brother assuring you that he's busy with his internship since it's nearing its end. However, before you start getting too worried, you delude yourself that it's because he may have found it weird being friends with his best friend's sister. No big deal. You understand. Life carries on.

Unbeknownst to you, there has been a revelation and a singular message reading, "I'm sorry if this sounds weird but I like your sister. Like I like like her," has created a problem almost as dire as the failing economy. Your brother's best friend likes you and your brother is not happy about it. You see, the male brain works in simple ways. It sees something it likes and thoughts about it swirl around. In the case of a girl, the first thoughts are in no way holy or clean, so to know that your best friend has had thoughts like that about your sister is nothing less than disturbing.

While you carried on like usual with your new semester, there was tension between those two. Ajax and your brother had been on edge around each other ever since your brother replied to his message with, "Grow the balls to say it to my face." Though harsh, it was a friendly way of telling him that his guts are being tested. If he can admit that to his face, then only will anything advance. That brings them both to the pier at 1 am almost one week away from reading week. Both of them have three mid terms this coming week but some matters need to be settled first.

While you spend a peaceful night of gaming to relax and go to bed, your brother and his best friend engage in a potentially life changing conversation near the sea. Like thoroughly rinsing a cloth and making sure there is nothing wrong with it or hidden in it's pockets, Ajax is thoroughly interrogated about his intentions and feelings as a result of bringing his best friend down here with drinks after midnight to talk. Even though your brother's words are a little harsh for someone who knows him so well, he understands as a big brother himself. The night goes well, and he receives a green light. Your brother parts with him with a sigh, telling him to take care of you and warning him that most of what he's seen is a front (you are more of a devil than you seem, according to him).

So, when you get a message from Ajax asking you out for dinner right on the last school day before reading week, you run to your brother to ask him what the fuck is going on just to be met with indifference. "If he likes you so much, he can have you. He'll regret it soon," is his reply. Well, at least Ajax brought roses when he came to pick you up. Sure, he's ginger (ew) but he's cute (even more so after you learn the details of the cat fight he was in with your brother over you. who tells his best friend they'll be family and even closer if he marries his sister? Ajax apparently. you suppose he fought well for your hand).

#childe x reader #childe brainrot #i am so down bad for this man it is insane #i originally planned for this to be the backstory between reader and childe in the tortellini drabbles fic on my ao3 and even wrote the- #-first meeting chapter #never hot published tho #got*

[cissyenthusiast010155]

hi! was wondering if i could please request a Clarissa Dovey x reader fic? i have an idea but if there’s anything you want to change that’s completely okay! reader is constantly seeking Clarissa’s praise and Lesso calls reader out on it in front of Dovey and says reader probably has a crush on her. maybe some smut? praise kink and mommy kink? you’re one of the few people i’ve found who writes for Clarissa so i really wanted to send a request for her! that and i know whatever you write it’ll be amazing! i absolutely love Leonora too but it feels like Dovey is super soft and i’ve been craving softness and just being called someone’s sweet girl a lot recently 😅 if you don’t feel like writing this it’s totally okay! i hope you’re having an awesome day/night! ☺️

p.s. sorry this request is so long my brain tends to over explain all its thoughts 😅

Heyyy anon (: I would love to write this. I agree, some softness is needed sometimes. Thanks for the request ☺️

My Princess~Clarissa Dovey xFem Ever Librarian!Reader

Mommy…Master List

Prompt-List

Warnings: NSFW, 18+!!, smut, fingering, praise kink, mommy kink, etc.

Medium blurb

Enjoy (;

The new semester had started. You were the new Ever librarian. Everyone had been most welcoming for the most part.

You and Anemone had become friends quite quickly.

Lady Lesso and you always had some sort of quip to throw at one another.

But Clarissa Dovey…

You didn’t know what to do with yourself about Clarissa…

She was just…

Something else entirely…

You couldn’t help yourself…

Every time she came into library, you were always as helpful as you could be.

At all Staff meetings, you welcomed the task of taking notes and asking as many questions to Clarissa as you could.

But even with all this, you were still a blubbering mess around her…

You were sitting at the staff dining table for lunch next to Anemone as always when…

“Oh my! It seems I forgot my silverware…” Clarissa exclaimed.

“Oh, I’ll go get you a pair!” you immediately quipped back.

But before you could properly get up and go grab some silverware, Leonora chuckled.

You went and got the silverware and came back, handing it to Clarissa.

“Thank you Y/N. Your always so sweet.” Clarissa thanked you.

You blushed at her words.

“Oh my god…” Leonora groaned, “Clarissa how much of an idiot are you?”

Clarissa looked at Lesso with confusion.

Leonora chuckled again, as you just stood there not knowing what to do, “Isn’t it obvious? Y/N clearly has a praise kink…”

You gulped, making direct eye contact with Leonora before quickly looking back at Clarissa. Your face had gone red.

“Uh… umm… I’m gonna go to the library…” you stuttered out, leaving the dining hall before anyone could say a single word.

You spent the rest of the day and evening in your private quarters. You didn’t know what to do… You couldn’t bear confronting Clarissa after earlier… Your anxiety couldn’t bear it…

You lost track of the hours, and you missed dinner.

Suddenly, you heard a knock on your door. Not too harsh, soft but able to be heard.

You didn’t answer it, but you also didn’t tell them not to come in.

“Y/N?”

It was Clarissa…

“Love, are you alright? You weren’t at dinner… I’m gonna come in, alright?” she caringly said through the door.

She opened the door gently and stepped inside. You didn’t meet her gaze.

Clarissa came over to your bedside, gently tugging your chin to meet her eyes.

“Look at me, love.”

You gulped and looked up.

She was wearing her nightgown…

Clarissa lightly chuckled, “My eyes are up here, princess…”

You blushed yet again, moving your eyes to meet hers.

Clarissa slowly leaned into you, “Let me know if somethings not ok, ok love?” she whispered.

You nodded.

“Words, princess. I need words.”

“Yes Ma’am” you whimpered.

Her lips then connected with yours. They were soft and delicate yet directive. You met her passion, moaning into the kiss.

“Such a good girl…” Clarissa praised you, eliciting another moan from your lips.

Clarissa broke the kiss and gently pushed you on the bed underneath her straddling you.

She began toying with your pajamas as she spoke, “So… I assume Leonora was right earlier today?”

You whimpered, “Yes Ma’am.”

She gently chuckled.

With a wave of her hand, your clothes were all on the floor…

“Please… please…” you whispered.

“What do you want, princess? Hmmm? Use your words, darling?” Clarissa hummed, while removing her own robe.

“I… just fuck me…! Please god, mommy…!” You groaned, bucking your hips to meet Clarissa’s divine body.

“Hmmm… That’s it, Darling… such a good girl for mommy…” Clarissa praised, as she began circling your clit with her fingers.

“Yes… please mommy…!” you moaned in need.

“Such a good girl…” Clarissa lavished you with praise, bringing you closer to your edge.

She then began gently thrusting her finger into your soaked pussy.

“Oh my… Is this all for mommy?” Clarissa practically moaned in delight at your wetness.

“Yes…fuck! All for you mommy…” you mewled, “please… faster…!”

Clarissa hummed in delight and picked up her pace as well as adding a second finger inside you.

You squirmed underneath her, close to your high…

“Awww… Does my good girl wanna cum?” Clarissa purred.

“Yes… please, mommy! Wanna cum…” you breathlessly begged her.

“Alright, you can cum, princess.” Clarissa hummed, “Cum for mommy, good girl…”

You’d never had an orgasm like this one before… you swore you saw stars… Your pussy clenched against her fingers as soon as she said those words… your hands scrunched around your bed, your lips releasing cries of pleasure on repeat, your head thrown back, eyes rolled back…

“That’s it, love.” Clarissa cooed as she helped you down from your high.

She kissed you again.

“You did so good for mommy. So good.”

#clarissa dovey #clarissa dovey smut #clarissa dovey x reader #professor dovey #professor dovey smut #professor dovey x reader #dovey smut #dean of good #professor clarissa dovey #professor clarissa dovey smut #professor clarissa dovey x reader #the school for good and evil angst #school for good and evil angst #the school for good and evil smut #the school for good and evil #school for good and evil smut #school for good and evil fanfic #school for good and evil #mommy? sorry. mommy? sorry. mommy? #mommy #mommys little girl #mommy k!nk #mommy issues #mommys princess

[diodellet]

roommates? more like roomfoes (jamil viper x gn!reader)

Where: You and Jamil become roommates, find some things to hate about each other, and the little things you do to support each other. As roommates do, of course. Inspired by this post by @viperwhispered word count: 2.6k words content warnings: -reader is not yuu, reader is in scarabia -foul language -scotch tape worldbuilding galore (ik each chara has their own room in the dorm, but let's ignore that and assume that each room wud have like 2 occupants.) -could be interpreted as pre-slash, established, or strictly platonic (don't you love the ambiguity of being roommates? you're both close and strangers at the same time i love it) ++yeah they argue but i call it ✨✨healthy conflict and banter

Here’s the thing, when you started the new school year, you were grateful that you and Jamil Viper were assigned to be roommates.

The guy was serious, put-together, and most importantly lowkey, which was a blessing in the hellhole that called itself Night Raven College.

Aside from the initial intimidation during move-in day, you were sure that this partnership would be one that you didn’t have to worry about at all.

But oh how the tables turn… you didn’t think that you could make an itemized list of Jamil Viper’s annoying habits as a roommate but here we are now:

Grocery trips with him take Fucking Forever

You know that you don’t have to be best friends with your roommate.

But! A good impression was key to building a peaceful relationship with the person you’d be sharing a living space with for two semesters.

You know that moment when you and a complete stranger initially find a similar habit that you share?

That brief moment of excitement and seeing each other’s eyes light up and thinking “hey, this person isn’t that different from me. I think they're kinda okay!" 

Take that but add the slow, horrific realization that this perceived common ground was not a similarity at all.

That’s what it feels like when doing the weekly groceries with Jamil. The experience was equal parts admiration and impatience.

“Wait hold on, how did he find that item? Weren’t they out of stock?” and “Did he really have to compare ALL the prices?” etc.

It felt like you were doing more than the required amount of shopping for college students. (Do two college students really burn through this much food?)

You didn’t have to be here, you could be seated at your study desk, hunched over your textbooks (ugh). Maybe you were just looking for an excuse to get out intent on being a good roommate.

“Are we almost done yet?” “Not yet, I’ll need to make one more round.” “Dude, we’ve already circled the store three times.” “I just need to get a few more items.” “Hey, that’s a completely new list!” Your eyes skim the neat lines of Jamil’s handwriting. “And what do you mean by ‘banquet for next Friday’? That’s a whole week from now!” “I told you that I could handle this on my own.” He checks his phone, then scowls. “Tsk… make that several more things to get.” “Seriously?!”

Maybe you should’ve taken his title of vice dorm leader as a sign of what was to come.

In the classroom, there was NRC’s fast-paced curriculum, and back at the Scarabia dormitory there were neverending banquets and parties to help prepare for.

He spontaneously decides to do a full clean of the room

Vacuuming? Really? Right at 5 in the morning?

Sure, it was the weekend and maybe he told you that he was planning to do that beforehand, but you were probably so deep into your essay writing that it probably slipped your mind.

Still, to hear the loud whir of the vacuum just before you slipped into REM sleep was pure torture.

He’s got headphones on, but you know Jamil is aware that you’re seething. He’s probably got that scheming expression plastered on his face, a ghost of a smile that betrayed the brewing malice.

Maybe this was to get you back for the few times that you put off your end of the chores. Or the messes from your alchemy mishaps* (We will revisit this.)

Actually, you don’t need to look, you can feel his pleased mood radiating through the flimsy blanket you’ve thrown over yourself in an attempt to block out the noise. An unwelcome ray of sunlight that worsened your building migraine.

And incidents like this are only the tip of the iceberg.

Coming back from classes and seeing a new rearrangement of the shared area in your dorm, or being greeted with an emptier fridge, or even getting evicted from your usual study corner as he checked for cobwebs (he wasn’t even giving the spiders enough time to start their webs!), stuff like this happened on the regular.

The surprise wore off after a while, but the irritation lingered.

“Jamil, where did my lab project go?” “What are you talking about? I only removed the food that was about to go bad—ah.” “Don’t ‘ah’ me! That’s a quarter of my grade you threw away!” “Put a label on your projects next time then!” “I was running on two hours of sleep!”

The both of you mostly resolved the argument by investing in a permanent marker and a set of sticker labels. 

Jamil also helped you remake the project (along with a heaping dose of your own practical magic to speed the process, which would dock some points, but you’d take whatever passing grade you could manage.)

See, it’s not the frequency of his cleaning that annoys you. It’s the spontaneity of it that gets on your nerves.

(And maybe, the way that he constantly does it by himself pisses you off as well.)

If he just… asked for help every now and then, you’d definitely lend him a hand. 

Not to say that you would jump at the opportunity to do so, but you would… appreciate a break from back-to-back alchemical reports.

Kalim al-Asim

At first you thought Kalim was nice, maybe fun. The guy was the polar opposite of Jamil and that was a breath of fresh air.

Until the Inciting Incident:

Once, you got up in the middle of the night and almost tripped over Jamil, who was sleeping on the floor (read: you actually stepped on his stomach and then you tripped after he grabbed at your ankle.)

Why? Because apparently Kalim decided to sleep over. Yes, he was using Jamil’s bed, completely at home, snoozing the night away as you fell into a whisper-argument with Jamil.

The rest just happened in quick succession, now you had a third person rooming with you.

Why does he come over all the time? Why does he stay just before curfew?

Sometimes you really just needed 3 straight hours of ambient silence to process readings and not some conversation about your lack of weekend plans.

Most importantly, why does Jamil just let this happen? 

He has no problem nagging you, but when it comes to Kalim, Jamil only lets the guy off with an exasperated sigh?!

Jamil doesn’t talk about himself much. Or if he does, it’s because you demanded better conversation material other than Generic Small Talk™️

“Best friends,” “Childhood friends”? Yeah right, you didn’t buy Kalim’s story for a second.

Not when you would hear Jamil lie about his own wellbeing in order to prioritize assisting Kalim.

Not when he would come back to your shared room, completely exhausted and worn out from a full day of accompanying Kalim.

And sure, you were aware of the position he held as the dorm leader’s personal attendant. But the reality of it never really sunk in.

“How… long have your folks worked for Kalim’s family?” “...For generations.” He continues stirring the container of curry-flavored instant noodles. “No, shit, really? I’m sor—” “Don’t—” Jamil gathers himself with an exhale. “Please don’t say that.” The midnight meal continues in silence until the both of you empty your plastic cups. What was the right thing to say? You couldn’t find the right words. “Give me your dishes, I’ll handle these. You should get back to your studies.” All you could feel was frustration, at yourself, at Jamil, at Kalim, angry heat building and collecting at the base of your throat, bursting, exploding— “No.” You push your chair back, gather the used dishes while Jamil blinks at you in surprise. “You know what? I’d actually prefer to uphold my end of the chores as your roommate, thank you very much.” And then you turn on your heel to dispose of the plastic containers. “At least rinse the cups before you throw them out!” “Alright, alright! …germaphobe.” “I heard that.”

He could continue babying Kalim, he already made it clear that you couldn’t intervene.

But like hell you were going to let him do the same to you.

[...]

To say that Jamil was relieved would be an understatement. If he had to endure another school year as Kalim’s roommate, his hair was going to turn gray and he would eventually be sent into a heart attack somewhere down the line.

Before move-in day, he already had a system in mind for keeping the shared room in order. But for you to shut that down and suggest something as tedious as dividing the chores…

Insert “Press X to doubt” meme here.

If you could make an itemized list of his annoying quirks, Jamil could easily write a dissertation on your shortcomings as a roommate while including a detailed appendix of tables and anecdotes.

But that was more effort than it was worth, he’d have to settle for the worst offenders:

You work in “organized chaos”

To Jamil, that is a made-up term.

If you really knew where everything was, then why did it take you at least ten minutes to dig through your belongings for your lecture notes?

Sure, he can respect your diligence towards all of your classes.

He already has his hands full with attending to Kalim, he wasn’t going to clean up another person’s mess.

But those first few weeks of the semester, goddamn.

Origami birds from practical magic nestling in a corner of the cabinet, potionology ingredients and alchemy reagents stored along with the snacks, and your many, many failures at decoding ancient texts just sitting there, undisposed.

He won’t admit it aloud, but old habits die hard. If you confront him about it, he’s giving you the offhanded excuse that he just did it with the rest of his usual cleaning.

(It was an extra two hours of getting your workspace in order, but hey! Now you don't have to trip over your things.)

Isn’t it just easier to function when your things are easy to locate? (Now stop glaring at him and tell him that he’s right 🔫🔫)

*Even though you’d try your best at keeping your things from getting mixed up with his belongings, there were still some…accidents…

“Jamil, have you seen my pollinator mimic? “You brought another one back to the dorm?” “I-It wasn’t finished! I still wanted to make some adjustments and the two hours we were given wasn’t enough and—” “What does it look like?” “It’s supposed to be, um, a ladybug about this big?” Slightly larger than your hand, oh. Jamil knows where it went. He saw its antennas peeking out from underneath your bed, mistook it for a roach, and burnt it to a crisp. “Aah, never mind, I’ll just remake it.” You give a dismissive wave and open up your textbook. “Sorry for bothering you.”

A part of him felt guilty at keeping that hidden from you.

But that went quickly away when the damn thing landed atop Jamil’s head.

You think out loud

Sometimes, Jamil wonders if you forget that you aren’t the sole occupant of the dorm.

You do know that he can hear every little curse and complaint you utter towards your coursework and professors, right?

(How envious, having the freedom to say such things.)

No, what especially annoys him are the times when you’re intent on being heard.

If you’re having back pain, then don’t fall asleep at your desk.

If you’re tired, then set some alarms and rest in bed. (No, stfu about waking up earlier, do not sleep on the floor! It’s d i r t y.)

There’s no forcing productivity. If nothing’s processing, then let yourself rest.

(And every time he’d make an attempt at helping you, you would give him a flat, distrusting look. Why were you suddenly treating him like an Octavinelle student?!)

When Jamil said that he wanted a roommate who had their priorities in order, he didn’t ask for the additional nighttime podcast.

“No, that doesn’t sound right, I must’ve messed up somewhere…” “Oh, so this catalyst causes this reaction, and this catalyst-with-a-similar-fucking-name causes a different reaction! Ughhh, I can’t memorize all of this in a night.” “This professor wants a full literature review done before Friday, does he think we’re fucking scholars?!” “If I flunk this, I could just make up the grade with the final exam, right? … Yeah right, that’s a stupid plan.” “...Why do I get the feeling that this guy didn’t do his part… Ugh, he should present this all on his own then.”

(Sure you were saying all that, but the steady hold on your pen, careful control of your magic, and intense focus on your schoolwork said otherwise.)

The rare moments that you pass by each other on the main campus, he’d see you animatedly conversing with the same professor you were cursing out or nose-deep in the nth remake of whatever homework you were close to crumpling up.

And every single time, you’d manage a polite smile and wave.

He has no trouble returning the short greeting, but the sight of you sent a flare of irritation through him.

Oh, that earnest, hardworking spirit of yours, he hates it very much.

You monopolize the bathroom

Well, Jamil thought that you were. Camping out in there, keeping the place all for yourself.

Until you step out—face blotchy, red-rimmed eyes, phone clutched in a damp hand—Jamil reflexively backs away to let you pass. Keeps silent.

It isn’t until after you retreat to the bed area that he speaks up.

“Are you…” “Oh, y’know, it’s just the usual, my grades and being a disappointment and whatnot.” You play it off with a wet laugh. Jamil then sees the semi-crumpled test papers on your desk, turns one of the pages over, sees the red marks. “Wasn’t this the test you studied all night for?”  “I don’t want to continue talking about it.” “...Alright.” Jamil returns the paper to its undisturbed state.

Trust him, he would like to leave it alone.

But the frustration of not having one’s effort pay off, of pouring one’s self so deeply into one’s work and having nothing to show for it…

Jamil knows that all too well. And to know that you struggled with something similar, he can empathize.

(He’s not at all used to being a hapless bystander, passively watching this lousy attempt at feigning to be a good student.)

Despite what you say, he’s not completely heartless. But don’t give him that benevolence shit either.

The next time that you pull an all-nighter, maybe he’ll leave out a portion of his migraine medication before he goes to morning training.

The next time that he tutors Kalim, he’ll offhandedly invite you along and maybe assist you with the parts you’re struggling with.

If you were going to be something, then at least be some kind of burden. Jamil has handled plenty of those in his life.

Call him a creature of habit, but there’s an ease that comes with your routine as roommates.

“I think Kalim brought over too much again.” “The Asim family doesn’t skimp out on their gifts.” Jamil sighs. “But it’ll be fine. I can put away the leftovers.” “Dude, these aren’t just snacks anymore, this is a meal for like ten people. Let me help with some of it—” “Looking for an excuse to get out of studying, aren’t you?” “Shut up, man!”

Sure, you had your own problems, but at least a part of him knows that you don’t have to be coddled.

You were stubborn about returning the favor, he doesn’t hate that.

A/N: i wholeheartedly believe that jamil was born a virgo because he'd be too powerful if he were chill. like imagine if he were all three: talented, pretty, and relaxed. idk it's too much for my piddly insect brain to handle. NE ways, thank you once again @jessamine-rose for being a wonderful betareader! your input is Super Helpful in fighting my second-guessing. I'd also like to thank @/viperwhispered again for making the post that largely inspired this 🥰🥰i like seeing ur takes on jamil's chara tagging a bunch of my fellow jamil simps hi it's me again, back back back again: @mochimiyaas @kaechannn @anxiously-sidequesting @merotwst @twstgo

#dellet-writings #twst #twst x reader #jamil viper #jamil viper x reader #gn!reader

[letsgrownnhealtogether]

i'm 18 and i feel like i have no purpose and constantly comparing myself - i've faced rejections from my dream colleges and finding it really hard to not worry about my future, any advice? (:

Hello! First, I must apologize for a delay in reply. I haven't been active on here in a bit (mostly queued post).

I understand how you feel, and I'm only a little older than you. It's not always easy to not compare ourselves or to not worry when life doesn't seem to be going the way we thought we wanted.

Here's the thing - everything in life is always changing and evolving, in some way or another. ALSO, I do not believe we are all subject to just one singular purpose. Like, "my purpose is to be a mother," "my purpose is to become a CEO some day," etc. We are vastly complex and are capable of having infinite purposes in a given season -- and some may not have standard titles. Your current standard titles may be "student," "friend," etc., but that's just a pea in the grand scheme of it all.

It's good to have plans and think about the future, but that's not all we ought to do. When I neared high school graduation, I had no idea what I wanted to do. Well, not exactly. I had a mental list of future things -- like being a mother and maybe publishing a book or something -- but I had no career plans. I had decided somewhat late that I wanted to accomplish an associate's degree before I finished high school, so I took on a crazy amount of credits and finished my associate's the same summer I graduated high school. So, at one time, my only visible goal and purpose (so to speak) was graduate high school and see what comes. Before I finished that, I had switched to the plan and purpose to having a 2-year degree. That changed within one semester. After both graduations, I was back to having no idea what I wanted to do next... I was fighting the paralysis of having no plans.

For 3 years, I worked many different kinds of jobs -- some I sought out and some came right to me. I served many varying purposes for many different people, and I achieved some planned goals and some unplanned goals. I eventually landed a job I fought for and loved, and after a year and a half, I discovered the major I wanted for my bachelor's degree. So I did that. (And so my story goes on.)

Throughout all that, I felt behind compared to everyone I knew. But, if I stopped and looked around, I saw so many different kinds of journeys. I took classes with people twice my age in the college, and I was the boss over people twice my age in the work place -- and so I was also older than others in both situations. So when it comes to comparison, it's important to realize everyone is on their own journey. And if you want to enjoy your journey, focus on what you need for the season you are in. Life is always changing.

In a moment, you are pursuing a degree and enjoying that fact. In a blink, you dig up new passions and change majors -- or meet someone you fall in love with, or get an internship across country. Life is always changing. We are always evolving and becoming.

I'll be honest - I don't have a career I'm pursuing currently. I'm daily having to remind myself to lean into who I am now and what I am in now. Currently, that is the fact that I have a lovely partner who comes with some kiddos. Some days I'm more rocked by the unknowns than I am others. But, this relationship blossomed organically, and it's becoming more and more clear the kiddos need a woman/person like me in their life. So, I'm leaning into the fact I'm the person these kiddos need -- another way I am becoming, and participating in their developmental stages of becoming. I might get an interview soon, or receive a call from past employers needing me again. I don't know what's to come, and that's perfectly okay. Life is always evolving, and we gotta learn how to lean into the ebbs and flows.

So, really, what I want you to get is that you can become paralyzed by what you don't know. Or you can breathe in the present of knowing you are still becoming, and you are magnificent in every stage of that process.

I'm sorry you were rejected by your dream colleges, but do not give up. If you choose to continue education, don't let those rejections rock you for too long. My best friend was rejected by her dream college and that was understandably very hard for her. But, she did get accepted by another college and chose to accept and enroll. Eventually she met her now fiancé -- and they are months away from their wedding. For years, she said she wanted to put her career first and marriage and family would come much later. Her plans changed. She is still becoming, and by leaning into that, she has been able to enjoy her college journey, her evolving relationship, and all the greatness she has experienced despite the heartbreak and rejections she had encountered.

Life is always changing. We are still becoming. All in all, we could say that your purpose is to stay true to who you are today and allow space for who you will become tomorrow. In between it all, you will serve many different purposes and take on many different titles. You will always look different from those around you and that is great!

I'm happy that you are reaching out and not keeping these feelings inside. You are doing great, and everything will be okay.

We can always chat again. (:

#letsgrownnhealtogether #asks #inbox open #mental health #healing #growing #grow #growth #self care #self love #positivity #life purpose #answers

[munamania]

so right a couple of my film friends and i met last night to do wine and glee and i left and tried to catch a bus in our gross rainy cold weather and so when it finally comes im just like zoo wee mama my glasses r fogging up and all that shit. but who of course is on the bus but my one friend the main perpetrator of acting like im some flaky cunt (rant city below)

so i guess technically this wouldnt look great on my part bc i was obviously Somewhere and had been ignoring the group chat making plans but oh my GOD whatever who careessssss who Cares. so im like fucking phenomenal ok walk back Omg hi and she moves her shit so i can sit and i get settled and am like hey. and she asks what i was up to and ofc when i say anything bc this is fucking awkward shes just got this stupid smug little smile but i was just sitting there like bitch im not gonna sit here and act embarrassed for seeing my other friends so i was just like So are u guys doing x tn and shes like mhm yep are you coming and i was like well gee i dont know. sarcastic shrug. make conversation about the timing of the place for a second kinda jokin then awk silence

and so then because im a chill normal adult and am aware that shes about to go meet the group of friends and no matter what this interaction is going to be brought up and i had been planning on composing a levelheaded text but i just said Look im sorry that i ghosted you guys (and shes again smug smiling nodding next to me. girl.) i just honestly got tired of feeling like im being singled out and judged when i cant make it to something and she literally is just like Well im sorry you feel that way just u know we do try to come up w different days etc (if u like me are bad at reading between the lines this was a non apology and defense based on uh Nothing) and i was like right well ik last semester wasnt great it's just that sometimes i feel like im being shunned in the group chats when no one answers or reacts to anything i say and the other day when you said like. yk the 'could u commit' thing that felt really sort of condescending

and shes like again well im sorry u felt that way i was just trying to find another day that u could actually make it cause i wanted us all to be there so im not really sure how that came across as condescending but um yeah. and i, jackass that i am (<3) pulled out my phone and pointed and said Well u see we didnt have actual plans and in fact no one answered when i said anything abt it and yk things come up and so for me to have sent this whole nice thing and just get 'do you think youd be able to commit' in response felt a little bit needlessly mean (and i also tried to earnestly say at some point in all this that i genuinely do love and care for them and want to see them but yk this Sucks and was just bad timing)

THEN we somehow spin into her going Well i just had no idea this was even a thing until you brought it up just now i mean i wasnt even thinking abt it ive never really thought that of you etc and so then im sitting here feeling like im being gaslit in real time not to be dramatic and i felt very much like when i was in high school and people manipulated me bc i was a very easy target (its not that real but w/e) and so im like Ok be calm but dont just like let that slide cause girl be serious (prob should have but what ever) so i was like well you know i do apologize if i just couldnt tell your intent over text, but after you guys never answered me about hanging out and then the short responses like maybe u can kind of see where i felt like you were being rude (didnt say it quite that bluntly w/e)

and she pulls out the big card. the. well i just think youre being defensive. oh years and years of being the youngest and punished for um having feelings lmfao slammed me in my chest at that moment. and i calmly said Okay cool i think youre being defensive. and i lit missed my bus stop cause this driver was swerving so then i was just like Well you guys have fun maybe ill see you tonight bye. so. really feeling awesome abt the state of that. in all reality tho it's like i hung out w some friends and then went out to the gay bar w others and danced and etc and i can only imagine how much of a Thing this was for them so. if someone could win it'd be me right

(on another note at some point during this ride sams roommate requested to follow me back <3 which i had been pretending not to think abt for the last couple hours) anyway

this has been a post let me know if im being normalish

#abby talks

[athousandmorningss]

Some good things:

+ I got a raise for one of my teaching gigs;

+ Got my ~17,000 student loan down to ~11,500 in a matter of a month or so. S/O to the side gig & to my budgeting!;

+ Y’s ex & I have become friends. We are planning to meet in Colorado for a cabin hang. Maybe that’s weird, but I don’t think it is. I think it’ll be healing to meet a person who has had a near-exact experience as me.

+ A previous student emailed me, asking if I’ll be covering a specific course next semester, because they want to take it with me.

+ The state of NM deposited 1,000 into my account unexpectedly. I’m thinking maybe I effed up with my taxes? Whatever the reason: a large chunk of it went to the aforementioned student loan & I’m ganna rent an airbnb with a pool here in a few weeks, because I need to swim badly.

+Making the collage last night was so relaxing & fun. More of that tonight, with some vegetarian nummies & a bottle of wine I’m ganna order for delivery, in hopes the cute delivery guy that usually comes will smile & flirt like he does.

I want to parse some things out related to my ex husband, but will do so under the cut.

I’m ganna detail a situation that happened last year, because it is an example of something I experienced and I’m trying to work through/understand my own response.

Y and I were supposed to watch a football game on a Sunday. He said, I don’t want to miss a work shift, so I’m going to work late Saturday night (he did doordash). I said, Okay.

He did not arrive home until noon or 1 the next day: no call or text to check in with me, and no explanation about arriving home that late. We go down to the bar below our apartment, and he leaves his phone in the apartment. All very fucking odd behavior that had my stomach in knots. We get to bar, and he does not want to talk about work. His behavior is very standoffish and cold. The knot in my stomach tightens even more.

I go up to the apartment and look through his phone. A thing I should not have done (I have nuanced thoughts about this though IDK). I found weird text messages: one in which Y said “I dropped her off at your apartment” and others that were sent to his phone with a food order request.

I want straight to the bar and asked him wtf is going on. He screamed at me, said he was “fucking done with me” and it became a massive fight. Later he revealed that he had helped a homeless woman, given her a ride, etc etc. I still do not fully believe the story, at all.

Beyond that: there’s behavior in this whole scenario that is just fucking weird: staying out until the next day; not checking in with me; hiding that this scenario had even happened etc. 

Y ended up leaving for a neighboring city for a few days and told me I needed to come up with some plans about how I would “improve” my behavior and deal with some of my issues. No consideration at all for his own weird ass behavior

-

& here’s the thing I’m trying to parse: I had many, many experiences in our relationship that caused me to have this gut-knot kind of feeling, this intuitive sense that his behavior was not okay or appropriate. when he would talk to me a certain way, make comments about other women’s bodies, get angry at me, or do shit like the above. So many times when my body was physically screaming THIS IS NOT OKAY. HE Is fucking UP and doing something inappropriate. But, more often than not: I would say nothing. I would conclude that there was something wrong with me, and that he was right. There are so many times in our marriage that he made me uncomfortable, upset etc. but I’d always circle back to believing he is right! you are wrong!

What I’m trying to figure out is: how did that pattern happen? why did I acquiesce so frequently to him? this is also notable because it is a behavior i exhibit a lot, almost all of the time, in my relationships with men.

so I am noting it because I would like to eradicate that trait: and to be able to stand up for and express myself in all areas of my life, especially in my relationships with men. if i ever have one again.

#divorcin' diaries #love ethics

[pharawee]

I’ve yet to gif this ep’s spicy scene but maybe I shouldn’t do that when I’ve had 2 cups of glühwein and it’s already past midnight - the perfect conditions for another Big Dragon episode review.

To save me some time screencapping I just recorded the ep while I was watching it so excuse the subs. Or maybe they’ll even come in handy, we’ll see. I cropped them out for my gifs but I’m too lazy to do it here (I say but I’ve cropped out the gagaoolala logo 🤡).

This ep starts exactly where we left off last week (actually, there’s some overlap again - why are you doing this, Star Hunter? There’s only 8 eps of this show!) - only now we see some of Mangkorn’s perspective. It’s still pretty sketchy. I mean, you could have just... not let that girl half undress you while you told her you’re not interested.

But okay. You already said it, you and Yai are both womanizers and apparently old habits die hard.

But it’s Mangkorn’s face when Yai in his fit of jealousy hits far too close to home that really gets to me:

He’s looking almost pained. But of course, Mangkorn being Mangkorn, he’d just rather lash out instead. And Yai, being understandably hurt, doesn’t see it for what it is. He probably thinks Mangkorn is feeling guilty.

Which leads to Yai pushing and Mangkorn pushing back (it seems to be his favoured approach when it comes to Yai acting out).

And then, “If you want me to delete those videos, you have to come home with me.” Which at this point is a very convenient excuse, I guess, because Yai gets to ask himself the following:

And the answer, predictably, is:

Because, honestly, this is probably a lot easier to deal with for them than having to think about their relationship as a whole.

Coincidentally, Mos has said that for him the love scenes were easier to do than scenes in which he had to cry etc, since he could just get into the moment and “be” his character. He would be embarrassed before and after the take since there’s crew around but let go completely when the camera was rolling.

Plus, the camera work is gorgeous - all shaky and raw and in and out of focus, interspersed with light and shadow and spots of red.

I can see why this is Bank’s favourite scene.

I can hear LITA’s Rain screaming in the distance. Phayu would never!

It’s the next morning and the audience is literally wearing rose-tinted glasses. And so are Mangkorn and Yai. This has got to be their honeymoon phase (and look, the yin/yang carpet from the trailer makes its first appearance!).

I love how Mangkorn’s house - where he lives alone since his parents live out of town and don’t visit very often - is all cosy and warm. Compared to Yai’s condo it feels really inviting and personal, like he’s got it all figured out (spoiler: he hasn’t).

The product placement was of course kind of on the nose but unbearably cute. Plus, I’m addicted to Tao Kae Noi so I’m not even mad.

And I love the way Yai immediately gave in when Mangkorn mentioned his mother. I really appreciate how the dialogue in this show isn’t just surface-level. There’s so many things going on, especially since both Mangkorn and Yai are characters who say so many things with so few, conflicting, often hurtful words.

Which is why this honeymoon phase can’t last.

(Oh, and tbh I love how the blackmail video is more of a footnote in this ep. The less said, the better. But yay for showing us the cute MosBank sticker again 🥰 )

Mangkorn’s mum makes a really awkward 1-minute appearance just so she can embarrass her future son-in-law. And then, she just vanishes again because she’s a good mum and read the room (which will probably come up later, judging by next ep’s preview).

Next, Yai goes all overboard and decides to give the place a good dusting. Idk if it’s always this untidy or if he feels guilty for destroying at least two semesters worth of architecture homework. Park and Pong make a short appearance in all of their pink and blue glory but somehow it looks even more untidy when they leave.

But look at them in their little color-coded outfits. Cutest bodyguards ever!

And what is this?

Oh no, it’s the dreaded “maybe I’ll go abroad for a year” trope rearing its ugly head. Don’t do it, Star Hunter! There’s only 8 episodes!

I appreciate the continuous bj jokes, though (so this is what Mangkorn ordered for you?🥴).

No more rose-tinted glasses. Now there’s a heavy red plaid on the bed.

Negl I honestly half-expected Yai to find engagement announcements in the drawer but of course that would have taken away from their fight later.

I’ll get to Hong and Nadear in a bit, please bear with me. Let me just say they’re unbearably cute with their matching bracelets 🥰

Then there’s this - the complete opposite of their Tao Kae Noi-sponsored breakfast (more yin & yang, I guess). And while maybe Mangkorn is right to say that Yai doesn’t listen, it’s really unfair for him to expect Yai to read between the lines when - and Yai is right about that one, too! - Mangkorn is keeping a lot of secrets. He keeps all of his problems to himself and just kind of stoically accepts them. Which maybe works with his family, but it doesn’t work with Yai.

And tbh it really got to me when he accused Yai of being selfish when Yai has outright offered his help no less than three times (once in the last ep) because he sensed that there’s something that’s worrying Mangkorn. Is he maybe naive for offering that help? Sure. But at least he’s reaching out.

Mangkorn is throwing “selfish” around like it’s an insult, like it’s really supposed to hurt - when, yeah, someone like Yai probably needs to be a little bit selfish in order to figure out what he wants. That’s not a bad thing.

I really feel for both of them. I feel for Mangkorn because he’s so used to going it alone and keeping his problems to himself, and I feel for Yai because he won’t face his problems (case in point: he later runs off again rather than facing his dad and his dad’s new gf).

But I’m glad that this time the uno-reverse card backfired on Mangkorn big (lmao) time.

It’s really convenient that P’Nine has a rooftop bar.

And look, it’s Tung!! 🥰 And his character is having the worst day at the job ever, but somehow he knows the exact song that Yai is going to sing.

I don’t even mind the singing, though, because I was a fan of ISBANKY the singer before I was a fan of Bank the actor so this is like, a major stan moment for me.

If it isn’t the consequences of your own actions, Mangkorn...

And again he just rather keeps to himself instead of reaching out. Have you learned nothing (probably not, there’s still 3 eps to go)?

Oh, wait, is this supposed to be Yai, his sister and Nine in the photo?

It’s really tragic how Mangkorn triggered Yai’s bisexual awakening. He could have eloped with Nine years ago.

I would recognise this ikea blanket anywhere.

Okay, but I need a moment to just stare at Big Thanakorn because he’s literally perfect. We might not survive a show with him as the lead. He’s too powerful. 

I wanted to screencap Jet & Jame’s appearance but it’s too short and this review is already too long. Just know that I love them both very dearly.

Okay, parallel time!

In this ep we have three couples seated at a table, with Nine and Yai being almost an exact repeat of Hong & Nadear, at least in the beginning. Only, while Hong immediately understands and gives in to Nadear, Nine misunderstands and tries to fix it by being his charming self.

And while Nine and Yai seem more relaxed compared to Mangkorn and Yai, Yai’s conversation with Nine remains superficial (and a safe space) while his conversation(s) with Mangkorn are anything but.

That being said, Nine remains the MVP for treating this cute little caterpillar like the most precious thing it is. He even carries it outside 🥰

I need another moment. 🫠

Oh, how the turntables.

Nine & Yai look so good together.

So it turns out that Mangkorn was trying to fix things by bringing food. I guess acts of service are way easier than talking. Only, uhm, yeah...

I’m guessing Nine kissed Yai first and he just needed a moment to react. Because in the book Yai is quite clear about his feelings being platonic - even if he’s all kinds of dazzled by Nine (which is understandable. He’s perfect lmao).

#big dragon #big dragon the series #jane watches stuff #these are getting out of hand #i have a lot to say apparently lmao #the way i cropped out almost all of the subs #even though i said i wouldn't #bd meta

[septembermorningbells]

personal life rant under the cut sorry the quickest therapy appointment i could get was monday

okay this is fundamentally so unserious. but it has been driving me absolutely bonkers and i cannot really tell my friends about it without also driving THEM crazy also its juvenile but. here.

ok so quick lore update the girl who made me realize I was gay is one of my best friends and i met her when she directed a play i was in freshman year. this is important. realized my feelings sophmore spring and I eventually told her how I felt the fall of my junior year, when i was in another one of her plays, and she kind of flipped out bc she was studying abroad that next semester and I don't think she was in an emotional places to process everything. it was very unclear whether she actually returned my feelings and she never told me but it was a resounding 'lets just be friends!!!' regardless. after we fought for a month 🤪

ANYWAYS the next semester she goes abroad and we continue texting like every day but i eventually kind of get over it and i still love her but it transitions a bit. She comes back and we are closer than ever in the fall, we do so many things together and basically keep developing our already very close friendship.

now it's senior spring. she applied for a grant that would take her to grad school in england and of course I assumed she would get it bc she is like fantastically talented. i have briefly dated other people in the period in between but nothing really worked out and so i just resign myself to the fate of just hanging out with my friends and actually looking for love ugh when I move in september. but also at this point i know im kind of still in love with her so i was like 'enjoy this time with her because its our last semester in college and we are never getting this time back etc' and even though i want her in my life forever i knew it would be SO hard to see her go and move to another country for a while and maybe date other people. so i figured she would move and i would cry and be torn up but i would get over it. also, in the meantime, I have been entering into a bit of a flirtation with a girl we have both known for a long time (who is lovely) basically as a distraction but we both knew that it was NOT serious.

also for context: the friend is directing ANOTHER play right now that both me and flirtation girl are in. we are playing love interests.

so last wednesday she found out she didn't get the grant. me and our very good mutual friend (calling her X she will play a role later, she is also very very close with the girl lol) are SHOCKED. this means she will likely be with us on the east coast of the US with us. the following night, I go to a party with X, our friends, and the girl i have been flirting with. She makes a move on me at the party, which i wasn't quite expecting bc the play is ongoing and I am worried about making rehearsal awkward but i was like 'ok fuck it i guess isnt this what i set up i made my bed'

THEN X pulls me aside and is like 'grace wtf are you doing' and i said 'you literally knew about this and its not serious, why are you mad' and X says 'grace, she's not going to england', basically implying something about my friend and me. naturally, I freak out. I blow off the flirtation friend and basically spiral for the rest of the night and weekend. I eventually make X talk to me bc WTF

okay so the entire problem is that X can't say too much without compromising my friend which is fair. but basically X validated YEARS worth of feelings that me and my friend do not have a normal relationship, we have basically been dating for who knows how long, and heavily implied that after she found out i made out with the girl at the party she was jealous. after year(s?) of repressing my feelings this revelation obviously made me insane. BUT X was like 'you guys need to talk but you should probably wait until the play is over to do it' which is in THREE WEEKS. she said it maybe wasn't necessary but she obviously can't say too much to me and I feel bad putting her in this position but also WHAT. WHAT.

okay so. I feel like there's been a chip made in the side of the hoover dam of my fucking repression and i am having such crazy feelings and I can't really express them. I know my friend would probably prefer that we wait bc she takes her shows very very seriously (something i love about her!! so much!!!) but also we graduate in a month and i don't know if i can just not talk about what's going on for that long. also there is a fair chance we talk and we still have to just be friends which would kind of murder me (oh context her mother is like very homophobic and until this year she has been SO wary of relationships which i thought was permanent lol until X told me many repeated times that 'now it is different' WHAT DOES THAT FUCKING MEAN) but i would almost want to get that over with now????????? jesus christ.

to make things worse we are, as i stated before, graduating and so emotions are just running very high in general. we need to have this talk but I also want to have it at the right moment so things don't go to shit. but i have had a very hard time concentrating on anything. will be back to buisness soon but until then. jesus christ. just pray for me at this point idk what else to say

#*through gritted teeth* #i love being a lesbian. i love being a lesbian. i love being a lesbian.

[mikarchive2]

i hope you make it with that math final, you have two more tries!! i literally do NOT get it why is the semester so chill and then finals just kill you 😭 sad thing is i passed all my other finals with ease its just this one im having trouble with and its the ONLY subject that i cant retake next year bc if i dont make it this semester i cant take two more subjects in the next and then i dont have enough credit to continue and have to drop out💔 i hope we both find our path in the end, because despite maybe failing, i am set on applying to another uni and try again with something else (teaching maybe bc apart from doctors those are the only ppl who get paid well in this hell country💕 /j) everything will be okay in the end for both of us and instead of feeling down, lets treat this as just another thing that happened and not the end of the world haha. sending love🤍

thats how it works here with my classes too its so strange ! 'if you fail this class we wont kick you out but also theres literally no point in studying during the second semester because you cant continue after your first year' ... like . ok ? im sort of grateful for it though cause it means you can reap the benefits of being a student while not going to school at all for like three months 👍 ... im also looking into other majors, considering library science, but i might just drop out and take a gap year instead honestly 💀 whatever happens im sure it will be fine we are young and learning how to live etc. ... + i think teaching is always a very safe choice as long as you find fulfillment in it, good luck ❣️🫂

#+ good luck with yr final too it would be #such a shame to HAVE to quite cause of #one class 😔 #anonymous #answered

[jupitercomet]

hello my love!!

one, don’t apologize for ghosting us!! we get you need to rest and don’t blame you for that. so no feel bad i forbid it 😤😤 i’m pretty sure my classes start again on the 4th of january. maybe that’s not as short as i thought, but i still might die. but my last day that assignments are due are this weekend so i get like a week or so. i’m just generally exhausted bc of working so often and need to sleep for a week.

ugh, i know it was sad because he was tall and broad and i was super in love with him? but hey guess what?? i think i’m finally starting to get over my ex😭 (knock on fucking wood) but basically like i’m starting to rationalize with myself like why would i want someone that always lied to me and was super fucking awful to me back again? like why would i want that now? so that’s been super nice. time to find me a lewis pullman doppelgänger. and… did you say.., did you say cowboy bob au? did i tear up at the thought? 100% i did. i’m just saying, if you ever did that i’d be on my knees so quick-

but yes you have to let me know what you think!!! its like sci fi cowboy but it’s pretty good and i’m waiting for the next season. also, lewis is gonna play a corrupt youth pastor and idk what to think😭😭 like idk if i’m allowed to be attracted to him but i’ve already seen pictures and it’s gonna be bad for my moral compass😂😂

anyway, sorry i’m talking your ear off but i missed you!! how was your day today?? did you get more rest?

ptmff💗💗 (i think i got that right)

-🧚‍♀️

oh my gosh, that is kind of short, my next semester doesn't start until like two weeks after that?? but I'll be thinking of you at the end of the week and hoping your sleeping bby <3

I am so pro getting over your ex!! like so proud of you 😊😊

okay, so I won't start anymore ideas until I at least finish one of my other series because I have a problem but I'm going to talk about it anyway because I want to 😤 here's my idea:

okay so Bob is classic farm hand cowboy helper man, like maybe Penny owns a a ranch or something and he helps out with the cows

reader (lets call her buttercup) works at the local library, reads to the little kids, listens to the older folk talk about their past loves, all that shit

Penny's ranch is doing something with the library for whatever reason and she sends Bob over to talk to the head librarian and that's when he sees buttercup and the man is in love

he notices the book she's reading (idk something cute, I can't remember the last time I read a book 💀 ooh! maybe the princess bride) and is like "oh, okay"

cue Bob stopping by the library any chance he gets, and he talks to buttercup but acts like he just needs help finding stuff bc he's shy, and books magically appearing on buttercup's desk 🤭

they're the same books she's reading but they're all annotated, like cute passages are highlighted and thoughts are scribbled in the margins

AND THEN new books that buttercup isn't even reading start showing up with little sticky notes like "____ reminds me of you" etc.

and buttercup's like "who is this sweet and thoughtful person" and starts falling in love with his thoughts and feelings on the books bc Bob's in his secret admirer era

idk just very blushy cute cowboy who reads books

some other aus I have that are also almost fully thought out (because I need help) tattoo artist/biker!Bradley and mafia!Jake

and idk maybe it's because all I really know of church is what my friends told me growing up but "youth pastor" is like the most uncool job to me 💀 but who knows maybe Lewis Pullman will sexify the occupation 🤷🏻‍♀️

and don't apologize, I missed you too!!! my day was pretty good, I took another very fat nap so I'm truly becoming nocturnal but it was a nice nap so I'm not complaining. how have you been today?

#🧚‍♀️ anon #what’s up doc

[polyamorouspunk]

I have nothing worthwhile to contribute to this conversation other than the fact that I am a queer trans person who's very alt and it gives me a lot of comfort that other queer people can hopefully tell I'm genderfucky from it even though I'm closeted.

Anyways the real reason for this ask is because it's reminding me of last week when I was talking to this really cool and cute metalhead guy and he said "As a straight man" and I immediately went "I'm sorry, as a WHAT" cause I was so certain this guy was bisexual

(He did say he's not 100% sure he's straight though so like... 👀)

Yeah! I mean like there are a lot of “straight” people that align themselves with queer people and then find out that they are not in fact cishet… and then there are people who align themselves with queer people and maybe they always will be cishet… there’s always a large overlap too with being queer and being neurodivergent or disabled, etc. There are times I 100% dress “straight” on purpose to better blend in with the cishet community but I mean I’m always going to have short or colorful hair too. The day I made that post actually at work I ended up catching the eye of someone who was really cute and we were exchanging glances and I could tell they were queer because of the glances we were exchanging and I told my manager, who is an open flamboyant black gay man, like they were checking out and he was on the other side of the cashier on the computer and I was behind them and I was like waving and mouthing “she’s cute!!!” And pointing at her and he was laughing. And then Wednesday I went to the school library because I had time to kill and I ended up sitting at a table next to someone with aqua hair that was super short and they had like anime keychains and stuff so when they left I said I liked their hair and they were totally some flavor of not cis and me saying I liked their hair was my way of telling them “hello fellow queer person”. And we do dress that way because, to give an example, I have someone in my class who is genderfluid, and I know this because I noticed they aligned themselves with me and the other visible queer trans guy in my class, so I offered to give them a friendship bracelet with their flags and they were like oh I’m genderfluid and bi and I’m like oh okay! But they live in a strict household where they aren’t allowed to cut or dye their hair or get tattoos or anything like me and the trans guy are, and I feel bad because they want to! They want to look like we do! And before we part ways for the semester I want to try and give them tips to kind of… transition slowly into becoming more alt hopefully in a way that their parents will adjust to even just a little. That’s what it’s about. They saw me and someone else who has even more gender fuckery than me and latched onto us as someone who is forced to be in the closet. It’s about being able to make eye contact with people at your store and have that level of attraction and knowing it’s mutual because I have green hair and Look Gay and they dressed Gay and we can have that kind of “you’re cute” “you’re cute too” look at each other. It’s about “I like your hair” as a way to say “hello, I see you, fellow queer person”. And there’s no reason cishet people can’t participate in that, but when we do all this on purpose it’s simply incorrect, both historically and now to say that there’s no correlation.

But also 👀

#punk gets mail

[icarianiscariot]

sage, aloe vera, ivy, papyrus, tarot? ILU J 💖💖💖💖

HI SAMMY ILU2

from the random get-to-know-me ask game

sage ⇢ what ‘medium’ of art (poetry, music, fiction, paintings, statues etc.) is the most touching to you? why do you think that is?

oh music absolutely. i think because out of everything it came to me when i most needed it? or because it's always Been There and part of my identity. i don't know. you'd think it would be poetry, what with my career path and all, and absolutely, poetry - especially spoken word and slam - touches me in a way most art doesn't. maybe it's just,, vocal art is what gets me. i don't know. something something hearing the emotions and feeling them deeper for it, maybe ??? i don't know. but yeah. music. always.

aloe vera ⇢ what’s something (mundane) you really want to experience in life?

waking up and someone i love has made me breakfast in bed. i did that as a very small child once or twice for like, father's day, but i've never received breakfast in bed myself, hmmm

ivy ⇢ what are your ‘tells’ for your emotions and moods? how can someone tell you’re happy, annoyed, upset or tired?

oh god lmao i have no idea. i'm quieter when i'm sad. i get twitchy when i'm angry/annoyed. i get really snappish when i'm tired or upset. i dunno! i think it's just in my face. i'm not very good at hiding my emotions. but also i have a resting bitch/sad/angry face so my neutral expression is negative so that's hard to read sometimes ?? i have no idea how other people perceive me slkdjflksdjf i think my facial expressions tend to be on par with my emotions, though, maybe?? or my body language?? i get pretty hunched up when sad/upset/etc. in a very classic way, i think. IDK AHHHH someone else, pls tell me what my emotional "tells" are, i cannot perceive myself XD

papyrus ⇢ if you put your ‘on repeat’ playlist on shuffle, what’s the first song that comes up? what do you like about it / associate it with?

okay i put my spotify-generated "on repeat" playlist on shuffle and "(coffee's for closers)" by fall out boy came on! i have it on my "songs for kansas city" playlist and it's because of this like. "change will come, oh, change will come" and feeling disconnect and nostalgia and looking back on how things used to be and knowing i will never be there again. "come together, come apart, only get lonely when you read the charts." i like fall out boy, i like the chorus, it feels GOOD to sing along to it. kickdrum beating in my chest again.

taro ⇢ if someone called you right now to catch up, what’re the things you’d tell them about?

grad school!! teaching and how much it sucks but how great my actual classes are. my new friends, the other first-years, my poetry workshop professor, the other poets in the program, hoping to work in the publishing house next semester. how much i miss my friends in arkansas and kansas city and ohio and new mexico and texas and [the list goes on for literally every state/country my friends reside in]. the d&d campaigns i'm in right now, thinking about starting my own. my new apartment, how it's still such a mess, and my office at the university, how much i love my desk. how i haven't had time to watch anything new lately, how teaching takes up so much more time than i expected/wanted. how i've been reaching for nostalgia in music and fandoms, revisiting things i loved again when i was fifteen, sixteen, seventeen. missing my job at the library but being so excited for this program that i couldn't bear to go back. ...things like that

#answered #buttonedupwithstars #sammy #get to know me game #thank you for the ask!! sorry this took a bit longer than the others lmao #no readmore we die like half the userbase after 2018

[edens-thoughts-written]

Thoughts, Day 1, 02 April, 2024

One thing I've always struggled to do is express to my friends when I'm not feeling okay. It's one of those things where I just hate to inconvenience them. I know journaling helps and I used to do that at one point, kept a physical one on hand. It helped, but somehow lacked portability despite it being a handheld journal. So, next best option was to just journal online. I know this is visible to the world, but it doesn't really bother me. I don't really care what people think about what I think, I just want to write them down purely for the sake of just expressing my feelings somewhere.

That being said, I just feel hollow. For some reason I feel so empty on the inside, yet I can't even pinpoint why. I know I have a good life, stable job, stable friend group, hobbies I can sink some money into. A whole host of things I should be grateful for. Yet, I feel so unfulfilled. I know there's more I can do. I can finish my degree for one thing. Keep telling people I'm just taking a break and that I'll start again next semester; 12 semesters later. I know I could easily go back and continue, but I keep coming up with random excuses; "Oh, I don't have the time to go right now." "Oh I don't have the spare funds right now." "My schedule doesn't allow for it." etc. I know I'm getting in my own way, but it's hard to get past that wall you built yourself. I know that's yet another excuse I've made up for myself for not going back to school, but I don't even know where to begin. One of my many unfulfilled life wishes. How did writing this somehow make me feel worse? Good lord. Who knows, maybe this is just the start and the more I write and ramble, the more therapeutic this will get. Just gotta air out the dirty laundry first I guess.

#journaling

[jeanmoreaux]

hey congrats finishing your degree! sis can you give me some advice how to push through finishing my thesis it is literally the only thing getting in the way of me graduating my damn masters

i know i shouldn't procrastinate but sometimes when i do think of it i genuinely believe i just get amnesia and i remember at very inconvenient and late times im just so lost

thanks & hi there!! oh, well, there really is no one solution or that helps everyone or would definitely work for you. i think it’s very important to fund out what exactly you’re struggling with: if it’s an overall time management issues (e.g. remembering to even work on your thesis etc.) then actually making a schedule and allotting your thesis work a specific time in the week/day could help. working big dates like deadlines to finish certain sections or chapters into this weekly/monthly plan could help too. maybe you’re lucky enough to have a friend who can act like a “thesis buddy” who regularly checks in on you and your progress (and in tumr you on theirs) so you feel that little bit of social press to actually have something to show the other person at the next meeting etc. it’s also more than okay to ask your thesis advisor to take on that role!! you can work out a realistic schedule in which you might hand in specific sections or have meetings on a specific chapter etc. if the problem is mainly not knowing where to start with the massive workload, making an action plan and dividing bigger tasks into subtasks, making small goals etc. are some ways to work around that.

if you’re struggling to actually sit down and do the work, things ofc are different. even if you have a time slot for your thesis work being productive in that time slot comes with other challenges or issues that require different solutions.

so, maybe in a first step it’s very important to kind of observe yourself and figure out at which specific points in the process of ‘writing your thesis’ you get stuck and the try to find solutions for handling these moments. when you have identified your problems, you can look for specific interventions that help you solve it. there’s also stuff online.

i have to admit tho i really did struggle A LOT with writing my thesis (haven’t been doing too good mentally last year) and the thing that really made me work on it was the external pressure of fixed deadlines (we only get two semester to work on our thesis and extension are rarely granted without good reason like long periods of illness etc.) and the social control of my advisor team. so don’t make yourself crazy thinking you’re the only one struggling with it. i can assure you Everyone i know who had to write a master’s thesis did encounter moments in which they wanted to rip out their hair and just say ‘fuck it’ and drop the whole thing. i don’t know anyone who had it all go over smoothly. we all hated it and we all got through somehow. and i truly believe so will you!!

#if there is specific stuff my inbox or dms are open ofc #anon #answer #have a great week <3

[mangodestroyer]

You know what? I'm kind of glad that there are some branches of math that aren't so heavy when it comes to Calculus.

Personally, I'm okay with Calculus. I mean, I do sometimes hate integrals, but I also love them, when it comes to finding volume, area, distance, displacement, etc. of some weird ass shit (I used to always wonder how people measured the areas and volumes of wonky ass shapes when I was a kid and I'm happy to now know one of the methods).

I also love sequences (even if I'm still learning about them and don't have them down). I like derivatives and limits. I hate partial differentiation problems because looking at them causes me anxiety and ig I just need to get over it and figure them out already. I think the stuff we're going to learn about in Calculus three next semester looks a lot more interesting than the first two courses.

But if college level math was ONLY calculus? I wouldn't be a math major. And I 100% understand why some people end up switching out of STEM when they encounter Calculus.

So far, I like linear algebra a lot more. For some reason, I had to do the first eight weeks of my calc II class before I was allowed to do the accelerated linear algebra class. And I'm five weeks in and... where's the calculus? Idk, but I like this course a lot more than calc. I remember in my History of Math class liking the concepts involving sequences, number theory, and algorithms a lot too. I also like geometry. I've liked algebraic topology ever since hs. I also like the idea of modeling mathematics.

I've had Game theory and Graph theory recommended to me as possible areas of study. Ofc, I'm still brain storming what I should do in grad school, and I'm finding it reassuring that some branches of math seem to be sticking with me. And I mean for long periods of time too. Others, unfortunately, haven't stuck so well. And yeah, I do get hung up on it. I want to have a strong foundation in math and constantly feel like I don't know nearly enough. In all fairness, I probably don't. Idk, I get good grades in the courses but I feel like there's something deeper to understand about all this that I'm just missing. And I don't actually understand all of it. Yet, so far, it's the only major I've tried where I felt like I belonged. Idk why, but with everything else, I felt out of place, couldn't get into the material as much, and I felt like people kind of knew it wasn't for me. I mean, during labs and such, I would kind of look like a dumbass. But with math discussions and essays, I feel more competent.

Ig pure math just ended up being more of my thing. Applied sciences, maybe not so much.

And I really do wish I was pushed to do more math when I was younger. I literally BEGGED my school to let me go further with it. I was always so bored in math class because I'd get everything immediately and be done with the work long before everyone else. But I felt kind of discouraged that they wouldn't let me. I remember not taking school that seriously as a kid. I got good grades still, but could have easily gotten a perfect GPA. I fucked around with standardized testing/never bothered to get good at it when I easily could have. Still got decent test scores in the end. Never studied for tests all that much either. I had to LEARN how to study in college.

Did anyone else feel dissatisfied with grade school? I think it didn't help that I was neurodivergent and had communication issues. And possibly issues with my attention span that went unnoticed (I'm AFAB). I just had no idea what to do with life because quite frankly, I found school discouraging and boring and the world didn't make sense to me.

Idk, this went off topic, but ig I'm trying to say that I'm still finding myself. And considering paths I didn't even know existed until very recently. I think being neurodivegent complicates things a lot because I'm really not on the same wavelength as a lot of people. My brain is different and I learn very differently from a lot of other people.

And in the adult world, this can be a little isolating. I think that's one reason I need to go back on campus for grad school and start talking to other people in my field more. I understand human interaction a lot better than I did as a child (I was borderline non-verbal, and kind of by choice). I can kind of mirror it now and wing it at times? Other times, if I'm, say, tired, I just don't care to mask as much. But I hear lots of mathematicians were really weird, so maybe I'll find some people in grad school who will get me more.