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gh0stchoir · 3 years

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Bakugo going out on a date with his FtM!boyfriend and defending him against both homophobes and transphobes. Afterwards, cuddle session with home-backed cookies, hot cocoa and silly movies, possibly with the whole Baku-Squad or just the two of them. Drown me in Fluff!

“My boy.”

Masterlist

Anime: My hero Academia/ MHA

Character(s): Katsuki Bakugou

Pronouns used: he/him (Trans ftm)

Time set point: normal

Warnings?: mineta, mineta being a perv, F AND T SLUR, anxiety attacks, homophobes, transphobes, slurs, threats, not proofread

A/n: I am so soft for this man. I just want to stroke his hair as he calls me his pretty boy MMMH!!

“Mmm Katsuki I don’t know. What if someone says something I don’t know..homophobic?” Y/n fiddled with his hands, glancing at his boyfriend. The blonde squinted at him and scoffed.

“Hah?! They say something like that and I’ll blow their pathetic ass’ up!” Bakugou threatened, scenarios of him blowing people up rang flashed in y/n’s mind. He sighed and gave a smile. He should enjoy their date, afterall with school and everything they don’t get dates that often. Still the thought of Bakugou actually killing somebody for saying something stayed in y/n’s mind.

Y/n smiled softly, leaning his head against Katsuki. It was time like this that y/n got to see his boyfriends soft side. The blonde would let y/n rest against him, let him play with his hair. Y/n was the only one able to do it. And that made him so incredibly happy.

“Remember, I’ll kill absolutely anybody who says anything bad about you. I’d even kill that stupid Kiri if he did that.” Bakugou spat out, his eyes narrowed. He began thinking about the possibilities of his friends deciding to be utter assholes. It was most likely not to happen, but there was still a possibility it could.

“Oh Katsuki you know Kirishima-kun wouldn’t do that. He isn’t like that..plus you know I can defend for myself and-“ Katsuki grunted, interrupting him. His narrowed crimson eyes pierced y/n’s.

“I never said you can’t defend yourself idiot. We both know you you get in situations like that. Remember that time that fuckin’ pervert did what he did?”

“Y/n I didn’t know they allowed girls in here!! I thought you were a guy! Sucks your boobs aren’t that big..maybe it’s that weird tight bra thing you’re wearing..” The short male trailed off, not noticing y/n began to shake. Tears began to brim in his eyes. Mineta just yelled that out, right infront of all the guys. This was the one situation y/n couldn’t seem to handle. What if they thought different of him? What if they thought he was just perving on them?

“B-Bakugou?? Hey hey what are you-“

All of a sudden Mineta was lifted from the ground and was hanging from none other than Bakugou’s death grip. The blonde was visibly angered, his eyes narrowed and his palms heating up by the second. He was so tempted to kill the pathetic grape right then and there. And he would’ve if he didn’t go to prison for quite literally murdering someone.

“You call him any of that shit again, and I’ll make sure to fuckin’ kill you.” Katsuki warned, his aura dark and threatening. Everyone in the room stared at the scene. No one dared to try and comfort y/n, or come close to Bakugou and Mineta. Even Kirishima knew he would get hurt from doing so. They all had to let the scene play out.

Katsuki threw Mineta to the side of the room, Sero immediately restraining him with his tape. Iida ran off to find Aizawa, knowing the pervert would get in major trouble. Everyone else watched Bakugou sat down, pulling y/n into his lap and hugging him. He whispered seemingly comforting things to him, beginning to get y/n to calm down and not continue his panic attack.

Y/n sighed at the memory, snuggling closer to Katsuki. He knew he was defenseless when someone referred to him as a girl. Every time it happened, y/n would freeze up and would not be able to snap back with a snarky remark. He wanted to so badly every time, but his body wouldn’t let him. Thank goodness Bakugou was always seemingly there to help and stand up for him.

“I was sure you were gonna kill him yknow.” Y/n smiled, seeing his boyfriend smirk.

“I was real tempted to. Glad he was taken care of. Just is so stupid how these idiots are so fuckin’ closed minded.” The blonde narrowed his eyes, hoping that for their date, no one would mess with them. They’d have a nice relaxing date and just soak in the time with the other. It sounded like paradise.

“These matching onesies we got are so comfy looking Katsuki!!” Y/n giggled happily as he set down the bags in his hands, taking a seat at the booth. The couple had just finished shopping and were currently in one of the food courts at the mall.

Bakugou smirked as he watched y/n ramble on about the clothes and things they got, his eyes sparkling. He hadn’t seen his boyfriend so relaxed and happy in a couple months. So this definitely was something that made the blondes day.

“Mm Katsuki? Why’re you looking at me like that?” Y/n suddenly stopped and spoke up, tilting his head, resting it on one of his hands. Bakugou only smirked more and crossed his arms, taking a sip of his water.

“Because you’re cute when ya’ talk on about stuff that makes you excited. ‘Specially since lately you’ve been extremely stressed and shit..by the way, it’s been awhile since you got your binder. Need to size down or up?” Katsuki glanced up, shoving a bunch of rice into his mouth. Y/n visibly perked up and thought for a few seconds before breathing in and out, testing out his binder,

“Yeah, now that you say…it feels a bit loose. When do you think I could get one?” Y/n began eating, swinging his legs. He seemingly didn’t notice the few people walking by, not hearing the snickers and them stopping next to Y/n and Katsuki’s booth.

Not getting an answer, Y/n looked up to see a few guys standing next to their booth. They were laughing and pointing to y/n, immediately making him sweat drop. Who were these people? Why were they laughing at him? Y/n didn’t realize, but Katsuki did almost instantly.

“The fuck you four lookin’ at? Got a problem?” Bakugou growled out. If y/n wasn’t there, he would have already have them on their knees and begging for their lives. The group shifted their attention to the blonde, the ‘leader’ of the group stepping up. He held a prideful disgusting smirk, looking Katsuki up and down.

“Oh? What’s this, student from 1a gonna hurt someone who didn’t do anything? How pathetic. You two are both disgusting fucking fa-“

“Refrain from that fuckin’ word, now.” Bakugou interrupted. His hands began heating up, as he stood to meet the groups level. He glanced back at y/n who held his phone in his hand, Katsuki noticing that he had began recording the conversation for evidence. It was a tactic their class learned so it could provide evidence if there ever was cause for arrest.

“Or what? Gonna cause a scene in this mall? Come on Dynamight. Someone with such a badass quirk and going to be a great hero, shouldn’t tarnish their reputation because of a pathetic little tr^nny.” The guy spat out, grinning as he watched y/n shift uncomfortably in his seat.

Bakugou gritted his teeth, grabbing ahold of the mans shirt collar and slamming him down on the ground. He held up a hand, it beginning to let out small sparks. The man shrunk back underneath him, struggling in the blondes grip. “You better scram, or else I will get your ass in fuckin’ trouble. I don’t ever want to see you talkin’ shit again if you’re able to go down so easily.”

Katsuki let go of the man, standing up and watching as the group scrambled off. The pure fear on their faces was almost amusing to the blonde, if only he was in a mood to laugh or watch someone get scared of him.

He quickly knelt down next to y/n, taking one of his hands in his own and using the other to cup y/n’s cheek. His eyes saddened once seeing y/n began to cry. He hated seeing him like that, seeing how other people were so easy to get to him with only a few words. He didn’t get why some people were so quick to act out. He didn’t get why some people could just shuttup and keep things to themselves.

“Baby, baby hey look at me..” Katsuki waited until y/n timidly looked at him, eyes blurry from the nonstop tears. “Don’t you ever listen to them. Or ever think that I’d think about you like they do. You’re absolutely my perfect boy, better than everyone else.”

Y/n cried more, leaning forward and hugging Katsuki desperately. The way he clinged on him was almost like he was going to vanish, leave him alone in the dark like the world did. Like the world continued to do.

“If they ever come back when I’m not there, either find me or get far away as possible. I’m not letting them hurt you again.” Katsuki almost cried himself, his grip slightly growing tighter as the sheer thought of y/n being hurt flashing in his mind made him livid.

The two continued to hold the other, each slowly calming down. Y/n’s eyes were red and his nose was sniffly, and he was visibly shaken up and tired. Katsuki’s eyes were red also, due to a small bit of crying and of his frustration. He didn’t hold his usual resting bitch face, instead a soft expression only meant for y/n.

The couple left the mall, heading back to the dorms. Y/n just wanted to cuddle for hours with Bakugou, be held in his arms and told he wasn’t what people saw him as.

“Mm Katsuki, where are we goin’..?” Y/n rubbed his eyes, glancing at the blonde. He looked back at y/n, leaning to place a kiss to his head and squeezing his hand.

“I wanted to eat some of the cookies we made yesterday, and make some hot chocolate. We can have a cuddle-and-movie session in my room. Sound alright?”

Y/n smiled instinctively, nodding as he watched Katsuki get the hidden container of cookies, being hid from most of class 1a, and getting the ingredients for hot chocolate.

“So, wanna watch (favorite movie)?” Katsuki asked as he prepared the drinks, moving around the small kitchen. Y/n thought for a few seconds, not wanting to seem selfish.

He rolled on his heels and tried to avoid the question. Of course Bakugou caught onto the unanswered question, looking at y/n. “Oi come on, answer me.”

Y/n sighed and lifted himself up on the counter. He swung his legs and crossed his arms. “I’ll watch whatever movie you want.” He looked back at the blonde, flinching when he narrowed his eyes.

“Oh come on, don’t give me that. It’s just a movie, and I don’t dislike the movie so.” Katsuki stood next to y/n, grabbing his hand and intertwining their fingers. “And plus, the others wanted to come and watch aswell, and they all like the movie.”

Y/n perked up at the mention of their friends, also known as the Baku-squad. He looked up to see the group entering the room all in their night clothes and all joking around. Mina was the first to see the couple in the kitchen, quickly running over and pulling y/n off the counter into an almost strangling hug.

“Y/N!! Holy shit you scared me so much!” She ranted on, telling him how if she was there at the incident, she would have put them in their place. Y/n only could smile, watching as his friends surrounded him and telling him how they would of so easily beat the shit out of the men, legally though of course.

“Alright alright, don’t overwhelm him ya’ idiots.” Katsuki pushed them aside, holding a platter full of cookies. He motioned over to everyone where the cups of hot chocolate sat. Everyone quickly grabbed a cup, happily taking sips of the warm drink. “Come on, goin’ to my room.”

Katsuki wrapped his arm around y/n, listening to Denki begin to tell a story of what rather weird and silly incident that happened earlier with him and Sero as they all made their way into the blondes dorm.

“Hm? You asleep?” Katsuki glanced at y/n, seeing him lift up his head and mumbled something. Y/n curled closer to him, shoving his face in his chest. Bakugou let out a chuckle, wrapping his arms around him. The room was filled with the snores and breathing of the sleeping teens, aswell as the occasional small talk between y/n and Katsuki.

“I love you yknow…thank you for today it- meant a lot..” Y/n whispered, snuggling closer. He could hear Kastuki’s heartbeat quicken, as he looked up at him to see a faint blush on his cheeks.

Y/n giggled and leaned up and placed a kiss to his cheek. “You’re cute when you blush Katsuki.”

“Oi shuttup.you’re cuter.” The blonde argued back, huffing. “And I-I love you too, idiot.” He mumbled out, his face feeling hot. Y/n quickly looked up with a smile, as he hugged Katsuki tightly.

He was loved. Something he wished to always have and feel. And Bakugou would always and forever remind him he’s there, that he loves him so much. And that we wouldn’t ever think of him as anything else than his boy.

#x male reader #bnha x trans reader #x trans reader #bakugou x male reader #bakugou x trans reader #katsuki bakugou x male reader #Katsuki Bakugou x trans reader #katsuki x male reader #Katsuki x trans reader #mha x male reader #mha x trans reader #female aligned dni #women dni

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baixueagain · 3 years

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Apologies for the anon mask but I am noooot in a mental state to get swarmed for contributing to this convo.

I feel like people in this JKR conversation are losing the fact that casual / unintentional bigotry exists. Systemic issues exist. And there's a big difference between a flawed comment, or being raised with beliefs and not questioning them, to being a full fledged bigot.

(For the record, by the way, because the "minorities are immune" comment still absolutely boggles the mind, I am a physically and mentally disabled trans person, who is part of a DID system, and uses a wheelchair and cane if I go further than my front door. Being a minority doesn't mean that people can't manipulate you.)

When I was 13, my father told me that "It's unfair for Black folks to wear Black Power Tshirts and get angry when I sau White Power." As someone who knew nothing about racism in Canada, who had only been taught the softened and white washed history, I didn't question it. I actually started to repeat it, and be annoyed when I saw those shirts. It wasn't until a friend called me out on it, and I went to further educate myself, that I understood.

My mother has dated trans folks on and off, and I was around the queer community since I was young. I never questioned the validity of trans people. But my mother had a saying. "Trans people are ps*chotic when they go off their hormones." If a trans friend or partner was upset, or angry, or emotional in any way, her first question was if they had missed a dose. I got this a lot as a kid too, they had me on more uppers and downers than I could remember, and so I got the same questions. I didn't question it. Years later, when I met more trans folks that were my own friends, and I started to question my own gender identity, I repeated this to them and asked if it was true, and was quickly corrected.

Hell, I ran around using abelist slurs and language like calling people ps*cho, narcissist, bipolar, just to name a few, despite HAVING several mental illnesses myself.

The point I'm trying to make is that yes, things like goblins being antisemitic, a Black character named Shacklebolt being dogey at best, the whole mess with Rita Skeeter - these should have been indicators. But they were also likely, at first, just the same run of the mill daily instances of bigotry.

Does that excuse them? Absolutely not. But JKR didn't go from "hey, maybe having your female antagonist described as 'looking manish' and 'hiding among ~normal people~ to do them wrong' isn't great" to writing essays about the "dangers" of trans people, donating to anti-trans groups, and writing a story about a man who dresses as a woman to abduct and murder women with absolutely zero influence. Something happened in the middle.

And we watched it happen, across several years and social media platforms. TERFs got their hooks in her, and yes, she made the choice to ignore any well intentioned people trying to correct her, but she wasn't born transphobic. No one is born a bigot.

The fact that her social media history could be one of the best and most detailed examples of how TERFs indoctrinate people isn't something we should be sneezing at. I'm entirely serious when I say it should be studied, because we can start to learn how vulnerable people get coerced.

Do I think JKR is still to blame for many of the actions she's taken, especially being such a public figure? Absolutely. Manipulated or not, there were choices she made and advice she ignored, and she has and will continue to cause real, tangible harm to real, vulnerable people. I don't think anyone here is saying we need to make her in to a martyr and forgive everything she's done. But the process is important. Understanding the process is how we stop it from happening again.

I was lucky enough to have people pull me back when they realized I was starting to get pulled in to those circles. Some people aren't that lucky. It doesn't mean forgive them, or that their actions don't matter. It just means that we need more people who know what to look for, so they can help pull someone else back if they see it happening.

I don't really have anything to add to this except to thank you for your story, anon, and for your reflections on this whole issue.

And no worries about being anon, do what you need to do to protect yourself and your mental health.

#jkr discourse #ableism mention #transphobia mention #racism mention

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ex-terf-anti-terf · 2 years

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Hey (don't worry, this isn't anonymous hate). Basically, the past few weeks, I've found myself getting more and more attracted to radfem ideologies. I'm a cis lesbian, and the radfem community has given me something I've been without for a long time: an explanation that doesn’t treat me like I’m a terrible person for being a cis women who asks questions. (part one)

What they say just… feels right, but one of my best friends is a transwomen. I can slowly feel myself starting to hate her because I know that, if I were to discuss any of the issues I’m troubling over with her (like her excessive use of porn, her over sexualization of womanhood, her wanting to be called female slurs, etc.), she would shun me and I would be considered a hateful.

I just want answers. I want the truth. I want for womanhood to not be corrupted or erased by the men who oppressed us for so long. Am I a terrible person for having these thoughts? I promise I don’t hold real hate in my heart towards anyone, but maybe I’m snowballing. What advice would you give me as an ex-terf?

[WOAH this got long. Prepare for many many paragraphs below the cut anon, I am so sorry. Also a TW for a very brief mention of CSA below the cut, as well as two uncensored misogynistic slurs; the b slur and the c slur]

Hey! First of all, let me just say I really do understand those feelings. Even now I still sometimes find myself drifting back toward radfem beliefs, and I want you to know you're not a terrible person.

It sounds to me like this is a friend that you are generally able to confide in and want to be able to confide in. My first thought reading this was 'how can you discuss these things with your friend without making it about her specifically?' It may help to begin with broader conversations about the topics themselves (porn, sexualization, slurs, etc.) rather than specifically your concerns about how they relate to her. If that goes well, then you can gently ease into a different sort of approach, if you feel it's necessary. It may not be, and that's fine too!

I don't know all the details of your friend's life or your relationship with her, so I can only respond to what you've said here, but I do have some thoughts on the specific things you listed.

On the topic of porn, I find that while it's not specifically appealing to me, it is a way for many trans people to both explore and express their identities. I have a transmasc friend who watched straight porn for a while, initially imagining himself in the role of the woman, and one day found that he was imagining himself as the man, and that was his first big aha moment about his identity. It's not always harmful, in terms of creation or consumption, but I am personally still wary of it because I know how harmful it can be.

I find your second example complicated, because again I don't know the details, but I keep getting stuck on this one thought; if a cis woman treated her relationship to her body / womanhood / sexuality the same way, would you have the same reaction? Maybe you would, and that's fine, I just don't know, and it's what I keep catching on. That's how I used to figure out which thought patterns were transphobic when I was taking my tumblr break. "If a cis person did this, would I have a problem with it?" If the answer was no, it was generally transphobic.

One of the worst things radfems did to me was teach me that it's not okay for women to sexualize our own bodies. It really fucked up my relationship to my sexuality for a long time, and still messes with me on occasion. Women are allowed to interact with our own bodies however we want, as long as we don't force others to interact with our bodies -- or theirs -- the same way. Personally, I found that the most radical thing I could do, in the face of a world that wants to sexualize me uncomfortably as much as possible, was to reclaim that sexualization in a way that makes me feel comfortable. For me that meant dresses and cleavage (pre-op, at least) but no makeup and no fancy hairdos. It means different things to my various women friends, cis and trans alike. On that topic, I would advise you to start by asking what specifically feels empowering or satisfying to her about that behavior, before you begin to pass judgments on whether it has value.

In regards to slurs, I do tend to find that a red flag, but since I'm making a very conscious effort to also try and think about where she's coming from, I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. In my opinion, it depends on what those slurs are. For example, if she's embracing the term 'bitch' I personally wouldn't have a problem with that -- plenty of queer folk I know, men and women alike, identify with 'bitch' playfully. For myself, it depends on context. If someone says "hey bitch!" in greeting, I'm okay with that, but it's a whole different ball game if someone tells me "don't be such a bitch." On the other hand, if she wants to be called a cunt, I genuinely cannot see any reason for you to oblige that request, especially if that's a word that makes you personally uncomfortable. (I'm uncomfortable just typing it out and having to look at it.)

A big part of having relationships with trans people as a cis or cis-adjacent person is setting boundaries on both sides and ensuring that those boundaries are mutually respected and enforced. (Actually that's just a big part of having relationships, but I see it especially emphasized in relationships between a trans person and a cis-ish person.) You shouldn't need to use language that you're uncomfortable with or wouldn't use in an ordinary context, and she deserves to feel that her identity is respected. How that middle ground is reached depends entirely on the two of you.

To round this out, I want to briefly address your third ask. I'm curious what answers you're seeking, and what truth it is that you specifically desire. What are the questions? What exactly do you feel deceived by? I also want to gently remind you of two things. First of all, men have been trying to corrupt, erase, and appropriate womanhood for all of history, because they, as our oppressors, don't want us to have any kind of common ground, community, or identity that is independent of them. And yet women still exist, and there are still many experiences that are common among women, regardless of AGAB (assigned gender at birth). Secondly, if you are afraid of cis men corrupting womanhood, infiltrating women's spaces, or hurting women, you are still afraid of cis men. I find it highly illogical to assume that a man will spend several years and thousands of dollars on intensive therapies and hormone replacements and plastic surgery to have a body that he doesn't actually want, just so that he can get into a women's bathroom and sexually assault a little girl. Unfortunately -- and I know this better than anyone -- if a man wants to sexually assault a little girl, he's just gonna do it. (And make no mistake, that is the claim. And it makes zero sense.)

I won't tell you what to do, anon, but I want you to know that there are those of us out here that will listen and support you and respect your viewpoints and even share them without belonging to a violent right-wing hate group. Also, it's okay to be friends with radical feminists and to respect some of their opinions while disagreeing with others. If that helps you build a community where you feel safe, that's totally fine! You don't have to become a radfem to do that.

I'm saying all of this because I feel as though you don't really want to be a radfem. I don't think you'd have come to me if you were totally on board with the prospect. So just know you do have other options. And you can DM me any time :)

I hope this helps!

#nessa.txt #ask #anon #long post #I can't trigger tag this post because tumblr blocked every tag that contains 'tw'#ex terf #ex radfem #ex radfem support

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the-bjd-community-confess · 2 years

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Rant on the fujoshi/yaoi whatever...

I second all those confo.

Of course there will be "mlm yaoi fetishist" but come on. I'm a yaoi fan since my early teens and let me tell you I'm nearly 40yo. I've seen some cringy shit (and lord knows I love a good cringy yaoi like in my teens, it's like watching American Pie all over again XD) and you can straight away see if it's weird fetish as in eewww hetero-ppl-disgusting eyeroll or just two gay characters. Often the fetishism as you call it comes from very young persons who didn't have yet the time or possibility to process their own orientation. As in, it's new, it's different, I like it, let's go crazy !

We need lgbtq representation, like yesterday. And this is why, my good dudes, fanworks lately have seen a huuuge spike on bi and trans representation. Because it's starting to work ! And as a cishet woman, I'm really happy for this. Why ? Because I like diversity, and it's not because I'm that cishet girl that I can't enjoy works with a lesbian or trans romance ya know ? And I also love a good steamy sex smut, so it's not exclusive or whatever. People need to learn and process that Lgbtq is not inherently sexual, as much as hetero is not inherently romantic. There's plenty of relationships out there. Why do yall think hurt/comfort and sickfics and coffee shop AU have been the shit for years ? Because we crave love and care and gentleness. We also crave representation, to see different things that are maybe or maybe not allowed in our life, our country and so on.

If people still think anything gay is obligatory sexual, it is because of our upbringing and societal norms, especially religious : gay bad brrrrr ! It has been so drilled into us that people forcibly see lgbtq matter as SEX. Newsflash : it's not. Why a hetero work is ok, but not a gay work ? Please, take the time to reflect on this.

I mean, I didn't see anyone dissing Twilight or 50 shades of grey back in the day when those books were at their peak. It was hetero, so it was ok, even though there was quite a lot of problems in there. Give me a gay Twilight that had the same dynamics ? No way it would get famous. Moral guardians would shit a brick.

Yaoi was initially written by women for women, it was an escape from a too-constricting society. It was also a defiance. This genre, in itself, is a lot of things you cannot just put into "FETISHIT BOX DO NOT OPEN". I don't have the will to expand on this, but know that it helped girls and boys alike to escape and find other representations in life where you had to be married before 25yo to not be considered worthless. And Japan isn't the only country like this, thus the wide following, the fanworks and so on. Today when being woke and offended is the new black, some people will go after you telling you it's offensive. But everything is offensive for those guys ! It's wild. Yaoi and their readers is so much more than that. And sometimes, it's just an incredibly bad sex scene or steamy photo of 2 dolls touching their dong (I've yet to see one with the anaconda lol). So what ?

Then again, works with gay pairing are as old as time and were erased as much as possible... I mean, could we maybe speak about Achilles and his good friend Patroclus ? I'd die with laughter on this one, and it's juste the more famous.

Anyway, I could write a fucking book on the subject with plenty of tangents, so don't think that is all I would have to say on this, because the subject is wider than you think. It touches on escape, wishing for something different than what the world has to offer you, feminism, representation, and simply, just enjoyment.

(I don't use fujoshi to describe us because it is a mysoginist slur, even though it had been reclaimed in the last few years. I've been there before, and I don't reclaim it, but more power to you if you do)

Rant ended, I just needed to get it out even if it's not the more articulated. Publish it or not Mod, I send all my love to you because you really need love to put up with crazies like us !

Maybe you should make a list with the dead horse cyclic confos : Culvr, Yaoi, M3lonpan, Is it racist to have a black doll, American hobbyist are mean, European are stupid and so on, shall I pay F&F, Will D0llshe send their dolls. I would have a blast ! But I'm a gremlin, so don't mind me.

~Anonymous

#BJD #ABJD #BJD Confessions #Community Confessions #BJD Characters

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nicanario · 3 years

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this post is a product of its time

tw: discussion of racism, homophobia, misogyny and a short mention of sexual abuse.

ok, this is basically gonna be a very long rambling post about my not fully developed thoughts on the justification many people give to bigotry when talking about the past: "it was a product of its time"

it would be fair to say, with me being a raging SJW socialist scumbag, that I don't think this is a very good argument and is most of the time actually an excuse to not think about the problems inherent to our society, historical or not, and, by extension, the problems with ourselves. but I do think that sometimes, just sometimes, this can be a valid point, or at least one that raises some interesting questions.

I'm going to cite examples from several pieces of media, but fear not, I'll try to make this as accesible as I can.

so, let's take Star Trek: The Original Series (TOS) as our first case study. this show has, correctly, been called progressive by everyone except for clueless people who don't know much about Star Trek's history, Star Trek's crew, Star Trek's cast, or, frankly, Star Trek. because if you ignore the clear, sometimes in-your-face political history and present of the franchise, I don't think you know much about it at all. I do think you can call yourself a fan if you like it, you may have watched every single episode for all I know. but lots of mental gymnastics are needed to ignore the political progressiveness Star Trek has had since its very beginning.

episodes like Let That Be Your Last Battlefield are obviously anti-racist, at least in their intention. but the episode in question really is "a product of its time," and at the very end fails to uphold its ideals. the episode ends with the two aliens (who are LITERALLY. BLACK ON ONE SIDE. AND WHITE ON THE OTHER. BUT IN THE OPPOSITE SIDES.) fighting each other on their devastated planet, and the crew is like, "oh yeah if they both would give up on their hatred that they both share both of them equally" when it has been firmly established that one is the oppressor and the other one is the oppressed.

and that's a lot of Star Trek, not just TOS. even Discovery, one of the most recent series, has done Bury Your Gays (and Trans) TWICE (though both times literally rectified it, which is cool). there are episodes of the franchise that are overtly racist, or misogynistic, etc. TOS is lauded, mostly justifiably, as very progressive, especially for the standards of the time. they put a woman of colour as one of the senior staff, for fuck's sake. of course, when you analyse that same character, as with most of their intentions at being progressive, you'll see that she was relegated and sometimes even outright mistreated when she had the potential to be much more. but, at that time, it was a lot.

I had a friend (emphasis on "had") who, after I told him about TOS's both progressiveness and constant misogyny, told me something like "imagine feminists trying to complain about a show from the 60s." so, with unearned spite, he was, in some way, trying to make the argument that it was a product of its time.

you could say Star Trek, all of Star Trek, is "a product of its time" in the sense that it's not always perfect. uh, yes, I would agree. but that doesn't mean people have to accept it. well, I mean, the show is kinda over, you have to accept it's that way. but you don't have to accept that it's not wrong just because it was a product of its time.

H. P. Lovecraft, as another example, was a greatly influential writer whose works still shape a lot of people's ideas to this day. I have only ever read like one of his stories, so don't expect me to have an opinion on his works. but I can have an opinion on what I know about him as a person (he did have a life outside his writing, after all). and, yeah, he was a huge asshole. if you want to know more in depth about the subject, please watch Hbomberguy's video on him: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8u8wZ0WvxI

but basically, he was incredibly racist & homophobic. some people might even say, "he was a product of his time." well, there are two possible rebuttals to that. the surface level one, and the one that examines why that argument is wrong to the core.

The Surface Level Response to "it was a product of its time": um, no it wasn't. Lovecraft was more racist than a lot of people even in his time. he wasn't just a guy who carried the racist beliefs of his society like everyone else, he was a reactionary who actively thought and discussed how racist he was, and how right he was for being that way. but that's only applicable to Lovecraft. one can't argue the same for Star Trek: TOS, because TOS did try to be more progressive and more anti-racist than the rest of its society. that leads us to the next response.

The Response that Actually Deals with the Fact that No Matter How Progressive You're Trying to Be, Your Failings Can Still be Criticized: the thing is, trying to excuse Lovecraft's or Star Trek's bigotry because they were "products of their times" misses the fact that racism is still wrong, and some people knew that in those times as well. people from these times weren't all naive or stupid or whatever. they had the capacity for rational thinking. they could stop and think, "hey, maybe what we're doing is wrong." and the fact is, some people did. not perfectly, not to our standars, but they did. everyone could have stopped and think. but most of them didn't, and we can criticize them for it. racism, homophobia, sexism, etc. HURT PEOPLE. horribly. massively.

also, even if you agree with the "it's a product of its time" argument, some people aren't criticising people's or work's bigotry: they're explaining why they don't want to experience it.

The Talons of Weng-Chiang is a 1977 Doctor Who serial, and it's one of the show's more racist stories. almost all the villains are Chinese, every single Chinese person is a villain. there's yellowface, slurs, stereotypes, the Doctor speaking nonsense words instead of actual Chinese, and a general belittling of Chinese culture.

note that I'm neither Chinese nor of Chinese descent. I have been searching for hours for a few posts I've read a while ago (some by people who are of Asian descent) about this episode and I can't find them. sorry.

suffice it to say, even though I love Jago & Litefoot (the audio series and the characters), it's not an acceptable episode at all. but it's also important to remark that, because of it, some people aren't going to want to watch it. sometimes, people aren't saying "the episode shouldn't be this way," which causes others to answer that it was "a product of its time." sometimes, people are just saying, "this is an episode that attacks real people. I don't want to see it. I don't care if it was common in that era to be racist, i don't want to experience it."

however, there is an interesting point to the "it's a product of its time" argument. after all, everything is influenced by its society, for better or worse. and we can't change it anymore. TOS sometimes didn't quite understand the political themes it wanted to explore. Lovecraft was a horrible bigot. Talons was racist towards Chinese folks. and that's that. I don't think we should change the episodes/stories or anything. edit them in any way. that would be, in a sense, changing history. and we wouldn't learn anything from it, about how we can do better.

I think there are two solutions to this:

1. warnings before starting the text: this was done with The Talons of Weng-Chiang. on Britbox, where you can watch Classic Who, this serial has a content warning before the start. that's good.

2. the removal as a whole of the text from some places: I think before applying this one, there should be a lot of thought put into each case. I don't think removing a whole serial of Doctor Who or Lovecraft's stories from anything would be, well, fair. especially on tv episodes a lot more people worked on those, not just the writers and the directors. Lovecraft's writing influenced thousands. we shouldn't erase them or anything. but sometimes, for some cases, we should.

those in the US might seen a Confederate statue being taken down. that is, in a way, a form of removal of a piece of history.

but that is a good removal. statues glorify. one sees a statue and probably thinks "this was a person worthy of admiration." they should be taken down, maybe even with a permanent mark of why this was done (a plaque that reads "a statue of X was here, but he didn't deserve it because of Y" could be put in place of the statues, for example).

another example is the removal from DVDs of the short episode A Fix with Sontarans, a Sixth Doctor minisode that featured Jimmy Savile, a presenter who was later found out to be sexually abusing children.

the removal of that minisode is good, actually. it's not a full episode (it's not even Doctor Who). some might say that's "erasing history" but, like, you can still find it online or information about it if you want. this minisode deserves removal from DVDs and Blu-Rays and whatever more than content warnings. it's not an important part of the show and it prominently features a horrible person who did horrible things during that time.

so, after all that, I have explained why I don't like the "it's a product of its time" argument. it is an interesting point that deserves to be examined, but it's not very good.

I have had this in Drafts for so long I've probably forgot some of the points I was going to make, but eh, what can you do? hope you enjoyed reading this.

bye

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epicene-humanoid · 3 years

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some trans Jeff thoughts:

he realized he was trans in elementary school and just went fuck it I'll just start introducing myself as Jeffery and see if anyone decides to stop me (as we know, jeff winger can get away with almost anything)

he got top surgery the second he could afford it (around the same time he started at his law firm), and probably bribed someone to keep it a secret

"I'm jeff winger and i would rather look at myself naked than the women I sleep with" are the words of a man proud of his transition

he's really insecure about his fashion sense, which is why he mostly dresses like the douchey guys at his firm in the start of the show, he thought you can't go wrong with the sleazy lawyer look

he will never admit it but he feels super good about the dean hitting on him, because the dean is a (cis) guy, acknowledging that Jeff is more manly than him

i think he starts out stealth and comes out to everyone one by one, probably starting with abed because he knows abed won't judge him and will probably just see it as an interesting backstory.

abed just says it's cool and maybe worth a prequel exploring Jeff's transition, and jeff asks him to predict how all of the members of the group will react to him coming out.

abed's predictions:

britta will be over-the-top supportive and do a ton of research about trans history, probably put together a slideshow just to prove how progressive she is, and jeff will be a little bit weirded out, but also touched that she did all that for him, though he would never let her know that

shirley will be confused, because she doesn't know how someone she trusts and knows so well could be part of a group she was raised to hate, but ultimately realizes that there's nothing actually against the lgbtq people in the bible, and, as a cool character development arch, starts to advocate against use of the bible to justify bigotry

troy will just think it over and decide that Jeff's physique and coolness are even awesomer knowing how much work he'd had to put in to be like that, and respects Jeff's manliness even more

annie will give him a hug, say something sweet about how she'll always love him, and worry about his health, because even she read somewhere that taking testosterone makes you more likely to have a heart attack, jeff will explain that the risk is still only as high a cis guy, and she'll be the one to always remind him to take his shots

peirce will say at best say "jeff winger used to be a chick?" and at worst call him a slur, either way there's sure to be a lot of misgendering from him, and pestering to know Jeff's deadname (needless to say, Jeff just doesn't tell peirce)

the whole group goes out of their way to keep their beach trips a secret from pierce (the girls don't want him there anyways, he's too liable to be creepy) even though jeff knows that even if pierce saw his scars, all he would have to do is make up a story about some childhood accident and pierce would never question it

sorry this ended up being super long. can I hear some of your headcanons for him?

YES ALL THIS!!! yes yes i’m fully accepting this as canon oh my god

i’m about to type a whole ass ESSAY at midnight because i have been DYING to talk about this for months ajfdksljk,,, this is going to be obscenely long and i might end up adding even more to it as i continue to rewatch the show because there is truly no shortage of trans jeff content (especially when you’re trans and see transness in every little thing ajdkslfkjs)

spoiler warning for literally everything about this show under the cut <3

i 100% agree, i feel like he realized he was trans super young, especially since in the show we see him as a little kid a couple of times.

like look at little jeff with the oversized sweatshirt and little ponytail!! that’s childhood trans fashion. not to be dramatic but part of me thinks that jeff’s dad left before he fully came out to his family (which gives him even more angst about it, because until that one Thanksgiving episode, he’s never able to prove to his dad that he’s a better man), but part of me thinks that his dad left after he came out (which adds that spicy i-should-have-stayed-in-the-closet guilt that he has to work through).

either way, because his dad wasn’t there, he had to base his concept of masculinity on something else, which was becoming a lawyer!! there’s some line that’s like “after the dust and divorce papers were settled the only man i looked up to was [the lawyer guy]”. like, replacing your father figure in your mind with the concept of “a job where you can talk your way in and out of anything and distort other people’s concept of reality”? that’s trans.

and the fucking THANKSGIVING EPISODE... i struggle to watch it without crying hehe <3 yeowch! the dichotomy of willy jr. being the “wrong” kind of man because he’s “too soft” but jeff also not being enough despite adhering to all the social standards of masculinity... fuck!! this whole scene of him telling his dad “i am Not well adjusted” and talking about how he gave himself an “appendix surgery scar” when he was a kid and he still keeps the get-well-soon letters from his classmates under his bed? oh my god. the implication of people loving him not despite his scars but because of them?? trans. i can’t think about this episode for too long or i’ll start yelling.

OH and this scene? where he talks about how his mom got him a girl costume for halloween?? and everyone said “what a cute little girl” and after a few houses he stopped correcting them?? and “once the shame and the fear wore off, i was just glad they thought i was pretty”?? THAT’S TRANS... the man needs validation oh my god... and then in all the halloween episodes we see he has these ultra-masculine costumes (a cowboy, David Beckham, one of the fast and furious guys even though he never watched the movies, a boxer with his DAD’S boxing gloves... god) costumes are about becoming something else and he always chooses to be hypermasculine and that is trans.

THE PHYSICAL EDUCATION EPISODE!!!!!!! being uncomfortable during P.E. is a queer experience. period. but him being specifically uncomfortable in the clothes someone else is assigning to him? trans. “are we gonna talk about clothes like a girl? or use tapered sticks to hit balls around a cushioned mat like a man?” TRANS. and him eventually stripping in public? celebration of transness. and the fact that he eventually becomes comfortable in both the uniform and his own style!! trans!! god i love this episode.

AND AND AND!!! the gay dean coming out episode!!! where it’s the three of them discussing the best way for the dean to come out as gay despite not entirely identifying with that label!! so we have both frankie and the dean who are sort of ambiguously queer, and jeff who’s a stealth trans man who’s probably only out to only the study group at this point. this scene where the dean and jeff have this like eyebrow communication while frankie is talking is just so cute. queer-to-queer communication. “I am so curious” “oh?” “intellectually.” “oh...” ajfdksljfk this scene just screams high school GSA to me and i love it so much.

and SPEAKING of the dean!! i totally see you on that. i feel like jeff has some internalized homophobia/biphobia (like he’d throw punches over someone else, but when it comes to himself he has a lot of shame). and also seeing the dean so confident in all his different outfits/costumes has a weird affect on him bc it’s like “okay, the dean, a cis guy, can do that, but i as a trans guy could Not because that’s Breaking the Rules”. which, like, throwback to the halloween thing. of course there’s no right way to be masculine, but mr. winger does not know that.

another thing!! the episode where their emails get leaked? that includes his emails with his therapist. fuck!! he was outed to the whole world in that episode!! no wonder he was so fucking angry!! this whole episode (and really any time he mentions his therapist) is so interesting when you think about them as a person he talks to about his transition. OH which adds to the thing with the dean!! “and you told your therapist you wanted to be alone this weekend” and “not you jeff, i know you’ll be visiting your dad” ”I told you to stop reading my emails”. luckily his study group has his back and just makes fun of him for emailing astronauts lmao

and WHO can forget “they’re giving out an award for most handsome young man!!!!” what else is there to say about this line besides: he’s trans. you know he didn’t get awarded enough for being a handsome young man when he was a kid, and no amount of compliments when he’s fully-grown can really make up for that. some people crash a kid’s bar mitzvah to cope with the fact that they struggled to be seen as themselves when they were a teenager <3

also his weird relationship with pierce? where he kind of hates him (understandably lmao) but at times has this almost-friends-almost-father-son relationship with him? especially in this episode where he’s forced to bond with him and ends up having a good time by accident (at a barber shop no less, the perfect place to Be A Man with your Man Friend). idk what to say about him besides the fact that pierce says his mom wanted a girl when he was born and made him dress like a girl (and his middle name is anastasia!) so if they’re gonna do any bonding over transness it’s gonna be that.

okay one last thing and then i’ll shut up for the night. this episode kills me (and almost kills jeff hahahahelpi’mcrying). it’s a very Trans thing to not be able to visualize your future self, it just is. growing up trans at the time he did? i don’t know what kind of future he saw for himself, but i’m so happy that he ended up with a group of friends who became his family and love him the way they all do. i’m so emotional over this asshole it’s ridiculous.

in conclusion:

they’re trans, your honor <3

#community #jeff winger #trans jeff winger #GOD i'm gonna make a video essay about it if nobody stops me #yall know that youtube channel AreTheyGay? i want to be that but AreTheyTrans #the videos would just b like... jeff community. neo the matrix. bill and ted bill and ted. audrey little shop of horrors. jo little women.#maybe i should start that youtube channel sjdfklsj #thank you for prompting me to talk about this because i think about it twice a day #i might end up reblogging this and just adding different responses jeff has had to casually homophobic/transphobic things that happen #in the show #like the episode that last photo is from when the dean is like #'spring transfer student dance isn't rolling off the tongue so we're calling it The Tr@nny Dance!' 'much more greendale.'#OH AND ACCIDENTALLY KILLING PIERCE'S DAD!!! HOW DID I NOT MENTION THAT EARLIER SJFKLSJ #'you LITERALLY killed a father!' 'well not MINE dummy!!'#alright i need to do my homework now ajfklsdjfl

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antiterf · 2 years

Text

So I’m posting my genuine thought process here so that way people get a good context. If it sucks then I have ADHD and you’re going to have to deal with it.

Me, watching a new wave of transandrophobia discourse come up: Why are people saying that trans men don't oppress trans women? (Genuine)

"The experiences are too different to compare"

But trans men oppress trans women on the basis of being men and women. Why would that be disagreed with? Gender is odd with us, and shouldn’t be taken as black and white, but I don’t think it’s this odd. It’s probably because if you’re specifying an oppressed group of men (bi men, disabled men, etc) as holding privilege over another gender, it comes as a different form from that specific group.

So how did we reach this point where trans men are holding a specific form of transmisogyny where others are saying it? Does it exist? If it does then how and where did it come from? Why does transmisogyny keep getting a red underline it’s a word damn it WAIT I CAN ADD IT TO DICTIONARY SUCK IT WINDOWS.

And why do trans men and other trans masc people have an adverse reaction to being told this? I found myself checking recently if these calls for unity are ever coming from trans women, and I’m sure some agree with them, but it always seems to stem from other trans mascs. It reminds me of when other white people are rallying to me saying that we should set race aside. It sounds fine on the surface, racial differences shouldn’t make anyone feel less welcome in a space, but what was really happening was ignoring the issues of an oppressed group and silencing them for speaking out. While my fellow trans men may not intend to do that, or be doing the same exact thing, I’m still very wary.

Maybe it’s just another instance of people not knowing how privilege and oppression works. That not everyone experiences the same exact thing but that there is a pattern of one group treated better than the other when it’s averaged across the population.

Trans mascs are using transandrophobia, and I have definitely seen instances of some saying that trans women are the ones who are silencing us over our own experiences. Thats not the case from what I’ve seen. Trans women have an issue when we say to “stop focusing so much on them!” and try to act as if people cannot care about more than one thing. It’s like we think there’s one spotlight and we need to push the other group out to get into it, but that’s not how it works. Trans women have hypervisibility and saying that they hold power over our invisibility with it is incredibly harmful. I can understand that it’s frustrating when we look up anything regarding transgender rights or media and it’s mostly if not all trans women because we are looking for something that relates to us, but that is not the intent or fault of trans women.

And when it comes to us talking about our experiences without that and someone says that it’s taking attention away from trans women, yeah, that’s probably wrong, but we need to be able to differentiate that.

Overall when trans men and women separate to talk about our experiences, it does not end well and we commonly end up complaining about one another. This is not beneficial to either of us but we do it because it’s much easier to do that than to acknowledge the transphobic society we live in. Being trans will make you distrust a lot more people, because someone can become your enemy the second you mention your gender identity when they were your friend a second ago.

There is without a doubt transmisogyny within transmasc circles and as a trans man I still find myself there because I want to have a sense of community. It’s hard to tell that when there is critique if the intention is pure or not.

I’ve had plenty of experience being told that I can’t reclaim the t slur even though I’ve been called it for being trans since it’s only used against trans women, and I see myself reclaiming it anyway because before it was used in self-hatred and reclaiming it has improved my internalized transphobia and mental health. I’ve been told to delete my anti terf blog because I don’t experience transmisogyny and that terfs don’t target me, when that’s a lie. So maybe when people say that trans masc people have privilege over trans fems, that’s what we think of. We think of our experiences where people forget that transmisogyny will always include transphobia, and that transphobia effects all of us regardless of gender identity or agab. And instead of continuing to fight the outside transphobia, the oppression we are facing in the first place, we end up arguing who is truly facing that.

The fact that many people treat transmisogyny as just “transphobia towards trans women” is not helping either.

So trans men do oppress trans women, but on the basis that men oppress women. Trans men have an issue with transmisogyny but there is still the issue where trans men have their experiences with transphobia down played.

---- End Process ----

And I don’t like spending my time on this because after interacting with terfs A Lot I know that this benefits them more than anything. I know that they will say that us trans men are being abused by trans women and held hostage because of our agab and other bullshit. But maybe this long fucking mess of a post will get critique or others to expand their way of thinking a bit.

#long post #notaterftip #not sarcasm #q thought left out of this post was mmmmmm blueberries

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forthehpfanboys · 3 years

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hi! can you please do a hc about being george AND fred trans boyfriend?

YESYESYESYES

Warning: Talk of dysphoria, hint at transphobia here and there, mention of period (which I labeled shark week). If I missed any, please dm me.

Key: (D/n) -Deadname (P/n) -Preferred Name

§×§×§ §×§×§ §×§×§

Ok, so let's be honest. They have and will continue to fight over you.

Sure, they CAN share, but that doesn't always mean they want too.

They bitch about who's snuggling you in what way because they both have different snuggle preferences and it's almost annoying.

Like Fred loves when he's on his back and your on his chest and he can run his fingers through your hair.

And George fuckin' loves when you guys are laying on your sides and he can look into your eyes and just hold you close and protect you.

Them cutting your hair and then like Molly seeing it and almost crying because her boys tried but Jesus christ it's so shaggyYyY

And if you like it, hey! That's ok!

But she will fix it for you if you don't.

They're just happy you love them both and neither one has to be super awkward about it.

Probably created the potion to help you transition at the pace you want.

They'd love you whether you took the hormone potions or not. They love you for you. You're looks are just a bonus to them.

Oh my god, and they totally play dumb if someone dead names you.

"Hmm.. (D/n)? (D/n).. Do we know a (D/n), Georgie?” “Can’t say we do, Fred.” “Strange. It sounds familiar.” “It does, doesn’t it? We do know a (P/n) though!” “Right! Our boyfriend who is open about who he is!” “Yup! And anyone who is worth his attention probably knows that about him.” “Yeah and they wouldn’t do shit like this on purpose.”

And you’d just be sitting there, watching them tear this student apart and just be like “w o w. these b o y s”

Anyway, they will, not only emotionally destroy anyone who says anything negative about you, but will also wreck them mentally with a prank.

God forbid they be a Slytherin.

Then you might as well plan their funeral.

OH. AND IF IT'S DRACO-

DEAD. ON. THE. SPOT.

Sneaking through the little tunnels together. Definitely just sitting in one of the tunnels at like 2 am to gossip over stuff goin’ on in school like whos snogging who in which closets.

They are the best gossipers, please.

You’re definitely gonna be painting their nails. I take zero criticism for this.

However, George strives to keep the as pristine and pretty as possible, where Fred loves the aesthetic of broken nail polish.

Go to colors? George- definitely something bright like orange or red. Fred- black. Just black. Maybe a deep red for Gryffindor pride, but mostly black.

I’m focusing on their nails too much.

Oh, if you get hit with a bad dysphoria day, they try to physically combat it with pillow fights and/or giving you soft kisses to make you feel better.

It helps if it’s not like a crying over my gender kind of dysphoria day.

You guys KNOW they drag you to the kitchens on particularly hard nights, especially if it's "shark week" nights. But only if your up for the trip.

If your not, they're sneaking you into the prefects bathroom for a nice, hot bubble bath.

And if that time comes around, and your feeling worse than usual, you better bet your ass, they go even HARDER on defending you than before.

My god, they are the kings of respect too.

Like if your walking around, taking a break from your binder and just like chilling in a t-shirt, their either giving you INTENSE eye contact... Or just staring at the ceiling.

Yes, you are trapped between them during snuggles... When they agree to a position... After an hour of arguing.

And I actually feel bad for any professor who Deadname you to be honest. Like they will be quitting by the end of the week, I bet.

Ok, on more separate notes. A few events that HAVE happened.

You and Fred have watched George absolutely beat the shit out of some cocky Slytherin who called you a slur. Like your holding Fred's arms, to try to hold him back, but he's not even fighting anymore, he's just watching his softer brother obliterate this students face.

Fred will purposefully yell over people who are being rude about you and call them out. Like if you're walking past a hall, but Fred hears even a whisper of your name, he's already like rushing down the hall, shouting shit.

It was Fred's idea to sneak you into the boys locker room for Quidditch, if you play, or if you don't pass fully, which is 10,000% fine and your still valid and we love you, while George talked to Madam Hooch about it becoming a regular thing.

It does become a regular thing. 😌

Anyway.

They'd definitely defend, not only you, but anyone else who is apart of the LGBTQA+ in Hogwarts and definitely starts like a safe club for everyone to meet up and chat and have fun and eat chips and sugar quills.

I just can't get over how willing they'd throw hands for you. Goddamnit.

They'd definitely sell the hormone potions, binders, packers and anything else a person may want in their shop. My god.

Just them being so supportive is all I want and need in my life, please.

#hp x male reader #x male reader #male reader #hp imagine #hp headcanon #hp x trans reader #Fred Weasley x trans reader #george weasley x male reader #fred weasley x male reader #fred weasley x male reader x george weasley #Transmasculine reader #George Weasley x transmasculine reader #Fred Weasley x transmasculine reader #George Weasley x trans reader #george weasley headcanon #fred weasley headcanon #not a story

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almasexya · 3 years

Text

Not really going to reblog one of the 2,000 posts about this because I'm not interested in getting into an argument but tbh I've never really felt comfortable using the word queer. Maybe it's just growing up in the 90s, maybe it's having personal friends who have been hurt by the term in places where it is very much still used as a weapon, but it just doesn't fit for me.

When I was growing up anti-gay slurs were damn common, and queer was absolutely one of them. It got thrown around in school, on TV, in books etc and not at all in a good way. It was a slur, it was designed to hurt people, and everyone knew it. That was my experience growing up, and though it may not have been used on me, I sure watched people use it on others, and that stuck with me, to where even today I am just plain not comfortable using the term for myself.

I've got no problem with other people using queer for themselves, hey you do you. I mostly just have my own labels that work for me, and for the community at large, LGBT+ does the trick. I think it's important that as a community we have to acknowledge that not every word will fit every person, and to try to make queer the new catchall term despite some people having real issues with it, is presumptuous.

The idea that it's just terfs that take issue with the term just isn't true - one of my close friends who's taken issue with it is a trans woman, and I am too. A lot of social media communities tend to lose nuance in favor of polarization, and it feels like that's what's happening with all these arguments. I don't believe it's a blatant or malicious attempt to paint anyone who has an issue with being called queer with the terf brush, but it is unfair to people who have been hurt by the term to just throw out their concerns and act like they're irrelevant. They're not. They're very real, and potentially very triggering.

If using the term queer for yourself makes you happy then go for it. Just be aware that not everyone wants to use it, and to act like we all have to or we're automatically terfs or terf sympathizers is frankly a bad faith argument.

Also I'm not going to like, debate folks on this. These are my personal opinions and while I don't think my followers will do this, I know keyword searchers like to troll through LGBT+ posts and start trouble so for those folks just know that I don't care and I'll block you

#this time it's personal

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wherevermyway · 3 years

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i just want you to know who i am. // binchan // oneshot // 18+

pairing: bang chan x seo changbin | bang chan x hwang hyunjin (mentioned) rating: explicit | 18+ ⚠ POTENTIAL TW: READ WITH CAUTION! ⚠ tags/warnings: graphic depictions of violence, transphobia/misgendering, trans male character, internalised homophobia, implied rape / non-con mention, suicidal thoughts, unhealthy relationships, explicit sexual content, slurs (like, two). word count: 8,229 also on AO3!

originally published: 31 october 2020

Bang Chan forced himself through almost three decades of shoving himself into the wrong box, being uncomfortably forced into whatever roles society deemed worthy for him. It doesn't surprise most people when he comes out as trans, but it bothers his boyfriend, Hwang Hyunjin, the most. Hyunjin is outwardly outspoken about Chan, too afraid of being labelled as gay when his boyfriend comes out, and he constantly lets Chan know this: talking down to him, misgendering him, calling him slurs, and deadnaming him. One day, Chan has enough. If nobody was going to accept him, what was the fucking point? He fully intends on taking his life one night as he angrily, desperately rushes to the bridge that overlooks the Han River.

He plans on it, that is, until a complete stranger comes up and saves his life. Literally.

disclaimer: this is a work of fiction! any reference to persons in this work of fiction are purely coincidental. the characters referenced from Stray Kids are interpretations loosely based on their personalities in the group and do not represent the real people behind the personas. if this, or any of the content included in the warnings above make you uncomfortable, please stop reading now.

“I’m not gonna be fucking gay, alright?” A lanky blond man says with a scoff, aggressively carding his fingers through his hair as he nervously paces back and forth. “Look, Chun-hwa, I—“

“It’s Chan. Please, Hyunjin, I keep telling you, stop calling me that name. It’s not who I am.”

“Whatever,” the man grumbles. “You know what it’s gonna be like if the guys find out? If they think my girlfriend suddenly thinks she’s a dude?”

The brunette on the couch sighs, dipping his head into his hands. “Hyunjin, you knew. You’ve known for years. I don’t know why, all of a sudden, the medication is what’s causing problems. You handled my top surgery.” His voice breaks as he curls into himself, trying to hide from the situation at hand, make himself small. “I’ve tried to start this so many times, to tell you I was finally starting the medication, but I was afraid you’d react this way.”

“Chun-hwa, this is bullshit.” Hyunjin gritted through his teeth, deliberately using the wrong name again, which called Chan to wince. “I told you,” he threw his hands in the air and raised his voice, “I’m not gonna be labelled as some stupid homo for dating a fucking tranny. The guys are gonna fuckin’ kill me if they find out you’re not just a tomboy or some shit.”

Chan bites his lip back, his face scowling into a frown. “Hyunjin!” He shouts, finally snapping. “Why the fuck do you care more about what they think, versus how I feel? This isn’t something I can choose. If I could just live my life as a normal, heterosexual woman, I totally would. Trust me.” A deep sigh escapes his lips as he shakes his head. “Life isn’t that easy, though. I’m never gonna be that woman you want me to be, because I was never a woman to begin with.”

Hyunjin rolls his eyes and pads off into the kitchen, digging around the refrigerator. He pulls out a bottle of soju and chugs nearly half of it in one go. Chan gets up, following him into the kitchen. He stands in the entryway, folding his arms as he watches Hyunjin. “Stuffing this down with alcohol isn’t gonna make you feel better in the long run. It won’t make it go away, even temporarily.”

“Fuck you,” Hyunjin grumbles, taking another swig from the bottle, and another one, until the bottle is totally empty. His face winces and he tosses the bottle into the sink, causing it to crash and chip, a couple shards of green glass flying upwards, some ricocheting and landing on the floor. He angrily opens the fridge again, grabbing a can of beer and chugging it. “I just want my friends to think I’m normal, that I’m fine, that I’m not stuck with some…”

Hyunjin pauses and the air grows tense. He nervously looks at Chan, then quickly darts his eyes to the wall, looking as if he was desperately trying to bore a hole into it. Hyunjin was about to say something he knew that Chan would hate, and he still had some semblance of respect to stop himself. Some, but not much.

“Say it.” Chan’s voice is dark, but calm. He knew he wasn’t going to like whatever Hyunjin was going to say, but he knew it was coming. Chan didn’t expect Hyunjin to actually say anything horribly offensive, but he tensed as Hyunjin took a long swig from the can in his hands. The blond man took a couple steps closer to Chan, his boozy breath nauseatingly permeating the air as he sticks his bony finger into Chan’s shoulder.

“Stuck with a fucking queer.” Hyunjin sneers, his voice quiet, but colder than ice. He gets closer into Chan’s face, staring him down, then moves back a bit and spits on his feet.

Chan sarcastically scoffs, turning on his heel and making his way towards the front door. “I can’t believe I’ve dealt with you for so goddamned long, Hyunjin.” There was no way he could handle such shitty behaviour anymore. He couldn’t do it, he wouldn’t. Hyunjin was the last person he had, and he just broke the last straw that was keeping Chan sane.

“Where are you going?” Hyunjin slurs after Chan, arms wide open in the air, beer sloshing to the floor from his open can.

“I’m done.” He lets out a nervous chuckle and grabs his keys from off of the wall rack, slipping a pair of flat trainers on. “I’m done with you, I’m done with this, I’m done with everything.”

“Chun-hwa—“

“Stop calling me that!” Chan shouts, grabbing a thick, heavy boot off of the shoe rack and angrily tossing it directly at Hyunjin’s head, the heel hitting him square in the forehead. The collision causes him to lose the grip from his can of beer, making it topple to the ground and spill its remnants all over the floor, the echoing ringing loudly in the apartment. “I’m not gonna be a fucking problem for you anymore, so just be happy for fucking once. You’ll never have to see me again, alright? Go meet some woman who won’t be just another ‘fucking queer’.”

Hyunjin grabs his forehead, staring at Chan for a moment, his face dumbstruck and mouth agape.

“Are you going to say something? Anything at all? Are you going to think about anyone but yourself and your shitty fucking friends? Think about your fucking boyfriend for once?” Chan shakes his head, but Hyunjin offers nothing in response. Chan desperately wanted his boyfriend to say something, but, like always, nothing came to fruition. He was always the one that had to put in the effort, and when things got tough, Hyunjin did nothing. He never did anything. “Fine,” the older man scoffs, grumbling under his breath and opening the door, letting it practically fly off of the hinge. “I sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, honestly hope you die alone, Hyunjin. Alone, cold, and in a bed of regret.”

Hyunjin continues to say nothing as Chan slams the door shut and runs down the stairwell, tears spilling from his eyes. Why nobody accepted him was beyond him. He told his parents two years ago, and he hasn’t heard from them since. He told his close friends, and they treated him like a leper, like he carried some sort of terrifying, incurable, transmittable disease. To be dismissed by someone like his boyfriend after all of these years hurt the most, honestly. Hyunjin was the only person he had left, even though their relationship was nothing more than toxic sludge.

None of this mattered. Soon, none of it would matter anymore, not to Chan, not to anyone. Nothing fucking mattered.

Tears sting, burning like battery acid, as they roll down Chan’s face involuntarily. He gazes far down the Han River, watching the city lights dance on the lapping waves, wiping the tears off of his cheeks. He takes in a deep, long sniffle, and digs his fingernails into the palms of his hands. A small tremble kept coursing through his veins, causing him to lightly shake as he stared. He just needed a little bit more courage. He could do this. He would drift his way down the Han River, and then he wouldn’t be anyone’s problem anymore, he just needed the courage to fucking do it.

The soft scent of acrid mint and floral tobacco pulls Chan from his thoughts. A shorter man with neatly trimmed, dark black hair is suddenly standing next to him, offering him a burning white stick. “You look like you could use this,” the man exhales, a puff of smoke escaping his lungs, deliberately rolling up through his nose. They didn’t make eye contact, but there was a form of nonverbal exchange going on between them. “Nobody comes out to the Seongsu Bridge at three in the morning with good intentions. Wanna talk about it?”

Chan gasps, a bit flabbergasted. He eyes the cigarette, then mutters a hushed “fuck it” under his breath, taking it and pulling a long drag off of it. “Oh, shit,” he sputters through coughs. “God, that’s bad.”

“Sorry,” the other man scoffs, sticking another cigarette between his lips. He pulls out a black lighter, flicking the flimsy metal dial a few times until white smoke billowed up from his mouth. “I was in your shoes once — well, maybe not exactly where you are, but close enough — a couple years ago. I sat on the handrail and waited. Not sure what I was waiting for, exactly, but I was waiting.” He sighs and scratches his forehead, turning to look towards, but not directly at, Chan. “There was a guy that came up and saved my life. He just came to talk to me, and I realized that this was a stupid, permanent way to fix a temporary problem. My job, and losing it, wasn’t my entire personality, even though society made it seem that way.”

Chan lets the cigarette burn between his fingers, transfixed in the way the white smoke softly danced its way up into the sky, eventually completely evaporating and disappearing. “My existence is a mistake.” He didn’t mean to be so blunt about it, but it fell from his lips before he could really think about it. “My family hates me, my friends think I’m diseased, and my boyfriend,” he scoffs, bringing the cigarette to his mouth and takes in a deep inhale, “I guess he’s my ex-boyfriend, now. He’s more concerned about his appearance to his friends and what they think about him compared to what I actually think and feel.”

The mysterious man cocks his head to the side briefly and offers a noncommittal grunt. “Sounds like ‘ex’ is a good title for him, then.”

A soft chuckle puffs out from Chan’s lips. “Yeah, you’re right. He’s not a good person for a lot of shitty reasons; should’ve left him years ago.” They sit there for a few minutes, letting their cigarettes burn between their fingertips and eventually die out. “I don’t get it, man.” Chan tosses the end of his cigarette over the railing, watching it fall down towards the river, slowly getting smaller and smaller, until it’s completely invisible. Gone. Lost forever.

“Get what?”

Chan’s eyes glimmer as he looks up towards the sky, letting his hands drape over the fencing of the bridge, dancing so close to where the promise of eternal comfort lie ahead of him. “Why do people have such a fucking problem with what makes someone else happy if it doesn’t affect them, you know?” He finally turns his head to look at the man next to him. They make eye contact and just stare at each other for a moment, letting their emotions communicate nonverbally.

There was a layer of pain behind the stranger’s eyes, almost like he understood the pain and helplessness that Chan was feeling, all without saying a word. The man sticks an arm out, presenting an open hand. “Seo Changbin. I don’t have the answer to your question, but I suppose you’d at least wanna know my name.”

Chan looks down, then back up to Changbin’s eyes, grabbing his hand with a firm grasp. “Bang Chan. Nice to meet you, Changbin.”

The two men smile at each other warmly, keeping their hands grasped together for a moment too long, but neither of them react negatively. “I know we just met, but,” Changbin says, softly tugging at Chan’s hand, “there’s a coffee shop not too far from here that I love going to early in the morning, since there’s never anyone there and the coffee actually tastes good.”

Chan doesn’t stop the man from pulling him along, doesn’t let go of his soft, warm hand. A gentle smile slowly grows upon his face. When was the last time someone was so nice to him, anyways? “Alright, that sounds like a plan.” He might have come here to die, but he was walking away feeling, ironically, more alive than ever.

The two guys sit at a dimly lit table near the entrance of the cafe, inhaling the aroma of freshly-brewed pour over coffee. Everything suddenly seemed more vibrant since Changbin literally pulled Chan away from the brink of death. Colours were vividly radiant, scents were more prominent, the lights were brighter, uncomfortably so.

“Hey, Chan,” Changbin says, bringing the clear mug up to his face and taking a soft sip of the warm coffee, steam enveloping his face. “I wanna ask you something, if that’s alright.”

Chan drops a cube of sugar into his coffee and aimlessly stirs it around with a tiny spoon, gently breaking up the cube and watching it slowly dissolve. “Sure, sure, what’s up?” He never liked coffee. Should’ve ordered the tea, he briefly pondered, watching the liquid swirl.

Changbin looks away, staring out the window, watching the morning passersby move with purpose down the sidewalk. “You said your existence is a mistake.” The words cause Chan to look up at Changbin, whose eyes flit back from the window to make eye contact. He dips his head down and to the side a bit. “Why is that? Why do you think you’re a mistake?”

“Oh,” the older man bites his cheek, breaking eye contact and clearing his throat. “I just…” He wasn’t sure how to answer that, grazing his thumb against the indentations of the spoon’s handle. “I wasn’t born right,” he sighs, but doesn’t elaborate.

“You weren’t ‘born right’?” Changbin presses, setting his mug down on the saucer in front of him, folding his hands together and resting his chin on his fingers. “I know it’s probably a heavily-detailed, incredibly personal question, but, if you don’t mind elaborating, what do you mean by that?”

Chan brings the cup of coffee to his lips with his right hand, taking a long, deep drink of the lightly bitter, vanilla-scented liquid. For not liking coffee, he had to admit that it wasn’t actually bad. He sets the glass back down and looks directly at Changbin, taking in a long, deep inhale, and makes sure to speak in a hushed voice. “I was born a woman, biologically speaking. ‘Assigned female at birth’ is the more correct term, that’s what people keep telling me.” Chan studies Changbin’s face, which doesn’t falter, so he continues. “Neither my family, nor my friends really tried to understand it. They all abandoned me immediately. My ex, though, was the hardest hit by it. He tried to care for a while, but then he started to call me these terrible things, only worried about how my expression and appearance would affect him and his new friends.” Chan scoffed. “It’s stupid. Not fair. So, I always figured I was a mistake. Everyone treated me like I was a mistake.��

Changbin eyes Chan’s free hand and takes in a deep breath, letting his hand fall directly onto the hand on the table, loosely gripping it. “Chan,” he softly says, soothingly, deliberately looking the older man in the eyes, “you’re not a mistake. Nobody is born a mistake.” The two of them lock eyes and stare at each other, exchanging glances of pain, misery, and understanding. “We just blossom into who we really are, and sometimes, people can’t handle the real, true us. If they can’t handle who we really are, then what’s the fucking point? Why keep them around if it only ends in misery for us, and they lose nothing?”

It had been so long since someone looked at Chan with empathy instead of resentment, and the realization of that caused his stomach to burn uncomfortably. The strange warmth spread across Chan’s abdomen, and he glanced down to Changbin’s hand, then back up to his face. The way they exchanged glances was oddly calming, like Chan could be comfortable telling this stranger almost anything, and he wouldn’t be judged. Changbin made Chan feel alive for the first time in months. Years, actually. For the first time, he didn’t have to try to put on a façade of who he really was; it felt like Changbin accepted him for who he was with a single glance.

“Changbin,” Chan breathed out, knitting his brows together and mustering up the courage to grasp the younger man’s hand a little tighter. “You’re completely right.” The two of them exchanged a glance that spoke more than words could tell. It was an exchange that said ‘I’m broken, but thank you for listening, for trying to understand.’ His eyes started to water, tears threatening to spill from the corners of his eyelids. It hurt, but it was paradoxically relieving for him to feel this way.

“I’ve got a lot of problems, too,” Changbin sighed, but deliberately grabbed Chan’s hand a bit tighter. “It’s hard enough to come out as gay here. The guy that saved me? We became close friends, but he quickly regretted it when I misinterpreted the signals he gave off and I told him I had feelings for him.” His eyes rolled down to an insignificant stain on the table. “It’s been nearly a year, and I still haven’t heard from him, even though he saved my life. I thought he really cared, but he showed his true colours and then he was gone.” The younger man took a long sip from his mug, and stared into the ripples of the coffee as he set it back down.

“I’m sorry, man,” Chan sighed with sincerity, rubbing the back of Changbin’s bony hand with his thumb, but he did not relent. “Fuck him. Fuck him for not accepting you. Fuck him for not being a good person when you needed him most, not respecting you enough to at least politely turn you down.”

Changbin met Chan’s eyes again, this time with more determination, and he let out a quick huff before finishing the warm beverage in his mug. They stared at each other for a few moments, and it was like there was a silent agreement between them.

“Are you done with your coffee?” Changbin asked, but the true meaning of his question sounded more like “do you want to go home with me?”

The ‘yes’ that Chan whispered was a double entendre: it was a ‘yes’ to the question about his coffee, and a ‘yes’ to Changbin’s unspoken question.

“Honestly,” Chan muttered, inanely scratching the handle of the mug with his thumbnail, “I’m not a huge fan of coffee. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not bad, I just didn’t wanna say no.”

Changbin pulls Chan up by the hand as he makes his way to his feet. He steps around the table and stops right up next to Chan’s ear and whispers. “Don’t make yourself smaller or less than for anyone. Ever.”

It doesn’t take long for them to make their way back to Changbin’s apartment, only a block and a half away from the cafe. In fact, if Chan had actually looked out the living room window, he’d be able to see the streetlight of the cafe and the spot where Changbin saved him. Instead, he was too busy letting Changbin pin him up against the kitchen wall. The soft light of the start of daybreak illuminated the kitchen, spilling rays of orange and purple onto both of them.

“You look incredible,” Changbin whined, biting at Chan’s bottom lip. “Handsome. Gorgeous.” He panted, whined, dragged his fingers through Chan’s hair. “I want to drown myself in you, Chan, drown myself in you if you’ll let me.”

Chan forgets how to breathe for a moment, the tightness in his abdomen causing him to feel lightheaded. He was nervous, but the burning feeling of desire overwhelmed the nervousness. “Changbin,” he whines, allowing his teeth to graze against the bottom lip of the man in front of him.

“I only want to do what you’re comfortable with,” Changbin whispers, trailing his right hand down from Chan’s neck to his waist, finger hooking in the tip of his hipbone, causing the older man to buck into him involuntarily. “I want you to tell me to stop if you need me to. But I also want to hear you long for me tonight, to cry out my name, to piss off the neighbours.”

Something about Changbin’s words drove Chan insane. “I trust you,” he whines. He shouldn’t be so trusting after knowing someone for maybe a couple of hours, but there was something about this stranger that made Chan feel more comfortable in his own skin than his ex-boyfriend of several years did. He did, after all, save him from jumping off of a bridge. All bets were off for now; Chan had nothing to lose. “It’s fine, it’s fine, I want you, Changbin. Please.”

That’s all it takes. Changbin brings both of his hands to Chan’s hips and effortlessly, somehow, lifts Chan up off of the the wall. Chan wraps his legs around Changbin’s waist, dragging his tongue against Changbin’s bottom lip. The two of them haphazardly make their way towards Changbin’s bedroom together, lazily pressing their lips together.

“I want you, Bin,” Chan whines, peeling his hoodie and shirt off as soon as he hits the plush of the comforter. “Changbin. Please, please, please. I need you.” The pitch black enveloping him in darkness gave him an extra air of confidence, making him feel like he could fully lose himself within the moment as he ran his fingers down his torso, taking an extra moment to scan his fingertips against the scars on his chest, hoping Changbin wouldn’t notice, wouldn’t linger too long on his imperfections.

Changbin grumbles as he straddles the older man, pressing his lips against Chan’s neck. “Patience, baby,” he whispers, peeling his own shirt off, then quickly returning his teeth to Chan’s soft flesh. He lets his hands run up against Chan’s abdomen, paying special attention to how exactly Chan responded to each soft, gentle touch Changbin offered. He was so attentive, making sure that nothing was too out of place, making sure that nothing was too uncomfortable.

“Ah, wait, Changbin.” There it was, the tone of Chan’s voice. That was the protest that the younger man was waiting for. “Are you sure you want to do something like this with me? I’m not really…” Chan’s voice trailed off in discouragement. “I’m not a real—“

“Shut up,” Changbin counter-protested, his voice breathy and slightly annoyed, pressing his lips against Chan’s. “Don’t you dare try to tell me you’re ‘not a real man’ or some dumb shit like that.”

“But,” Chan whined, subconsciously rutting his hips up into Changbin’s pelvis. “It’s true, I’m not.”

“Chan,” he grumbled, rolling his eyes, “please, just shut up. You’re as real of a man as you identify yourself to be.” He pressed a soft kiss up against the older man’s warm cheek, then nuzzled his forehead against it. “Don’t invalidate yourself like that, because it’s just going to make you feel like shit. If you don’t want to do this, then tell me. If you’re just going to invalidate yourself, I don’t want to hear it and I won’t do this.”

The brunette swallowed hard, his eyes nervously scanning the ceiling as he felt the younger man’s breath on his neck. “I don’t want you to stop,” he whispers, “I’m just nervous. It’s been so long, and I don’t like…” His voice trails off and he sighs. “Honestly, if we’re gonna do this, can you just, fuck — wow, this is awkward to ask — but, can you just fuck me like a normal dude? Pretend that all of the frontal anatomy just doesn’t exist? I don’t want to even think about it.” He shakes his head. “It’s too much.”

Changbin pulls back, bringing his hands to the sides of Chan’s face and deliberately making eye contact with him. “Of course. I told you, anything to make you comfortable. I’ll go slowly. I’ll admit,” Chan sees the whites of his eyes shift, as if he was looking away for a moment, “I’ve never been with someone that’s trans. So if I do something wrong, tell me.”

Chan sighs, not out of irritation, but relief. “Of course. Can we do this now?”

Changbin reaches over Chan, pulling his nightstand’s drawer open. He grabs a condom and a bottle of lube, then sits back on his heels. “Have you ever done this before?”

Finally, a bit of confidence, likely from the darkness of the room hiding his body, rushes through Chan, and he offers a bit of a cocky smirk. “I ride dick like it’s my last day on earth, every time. Trust me,” he sits up and grabs Changbin by the waist, “I’ve done this before. I’ve done a handful of freaky things before. You’d be surprised to know what I haven’t done, honestly.”

A breathy gasp leaves Changbin’s lips and he swallows hard. That wasn’t the answer he was expecting, not in the slightest. “You w-what?”

After some careful preparation and stretching, it doesn’t take long for Chan to take Changbin fully inside of him, causing the younger man beneath him to let out a small whine. “Fucking tight,” he whimpers, digging his fingernails into Chan’s hips. “You feel incredible. So good.”

Chan smirks. “I told you.” He puts both hands on the bed, on either side of Changbin’s neck, allowing him to roll his hips up and down slowly, in controlled movements. “I know what I’m doing.”

“I can, ah,” Changbin tightly closes his eyes and rolls his head into the pillow behind him, “fuck, Chan, I can feel that.”

The brunette dips his head down, pressing his lips to the younger man’s. Changbin responds by grabbing the back of Chan’s neck, pulling him in closer, and he aggressively jams his tongue in between his lips. They explore each others’ mouths with purpose, both of them still faintly tasting like coffee and menthol cigarettes.

“Changbin,” Chan whines, drawling out the last syllable of his name.

A grin is painted upon the younger man’s face at the sound of his name. “Say it again. It sounds so fucking good when you say my name like that.”

Chan complies. He complies repeatedly, grinding up against Changbin’s pelvis, his length filling him and causing all of the nerves in his body to light up. He’d never fucked like this before, nothing so passionate or romantic in his life. All of his experiences were lacklustre with Hyunjin, who never fucked him the way he wanted to be fucked. It was all about Hyunjin.

Tonight, it was all about Chan. It was all about how well he and Changbin blended together, and Chan couldn’t get enough of it.

A week and a half passes, and Chan can’t bring himself to leave Changbin’s apartment. The younger man doesn’t mind, of course, he’s happy to give Chan as much time as he needs to figure out what exactly he needs to do.

It was a bit awkward at first, since Changbin’s apartment only has one bedroom, and Changbin doesn’t keep a large enough couch for either of them to sleep on. “We’ve already slept with each other,” Chan pondered aloud one day while he was scrubbing some dishes in the sink, “why bother not sleeping in the same bed?”

Their relationship dynamic was strange, but it worked. They had spent several nights staying up far too late, going for walks downtown and talking about the complexities that life had to offer. Chan would link arms with Changbin, they would share a cigarette with each other, and all of Chan’s problems would just come spilling out.

Things came so naturally to both of them. They would usually get to the well-lit touristy spot in Cheonggyecheon, staring down the river, watching people meander about and the lights illuminating the ripples in the water. That’s where Chan would open up more and more about himself and the horrible experiences he had with his family, friends, and Hyunjin.

“You know,” Changbin took a long pull from the cigarette in his fingertips, then let the smoke lazily escape his lips, “if I ever meet this guy, I’m gonna beat the shit out of him.”

“Changbin,” Chan pressed, half-serious.

“I’m not kidding, dude,” the black-haired man cocked his head, looking up at Chan over the rim of his glasses. “He has the balls to constantly misgender you, treat you as less-than, and now you’re telling me he would get drunk and beat you for fun? What the fuck is wrong with this guy?”

Chan sighed, taking the cigarette from between Changbin’s fingers and putting it between his lips. “I know, I know. It’s bad timing, but,” his voice trails off, and he turns his head to look down the river, “I need to go back and get my stuff from his apartment. My legal paperwork and some clothes and stuff.”

“I’m going with you.” It’s a statement. Changbin doesn’t bother asking. He grips the handrail with both hands, his knuckles turning white. “I’m not letting you be there alone.”

“He’ll be at work, Bin.”

“I don’t care,” he spits out, a bit harsher than he intended. “He’s violent. I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be alone in a space where you can’t easily get away from him.”

Chan bites back a retort; he knew that Changbin was right. The two of them stare off into the dark water for a few moments, until Chan deeply sighs. “Fine. We can go tomorrow around noon. I’ll text him tomorrow and tell him we’re coming over before we show up, just so he knows.”

“That’s a stupid idea, Chan.” Changbin grits his teeth and scowls.

“I know. But it’s the right thing to do.”

Changbin scoffs. “That’s typical of you, dove, always looking out for the greater good before taking yourself into consideration.”

Chan squints his eyes in confusion. “‘Dove’?”

“Oh,” Changbin chews on his cheek. “I didn’t even think about that, it just slipped out. Anyway, you know how there’s tales in the West about how seeing a dove with an olive branch is a symbol of peace?”

“Yeah, what’s that gotta do with me?”

Changbin turns his head towards Chan and smiles softly, light reflecting off of his glasses. “You’re too good for people like me, and especially Hyunjin. You’re calming, peaceful. Besides,” he reaches over and grabs Chan’s hand, interlacing their fingers together, “it sounds cooler than ‘baby’ or some other overused pet name, yeah?”

Chan chuckled and smiled, looking down at their hands, how well they fit together, how right it seemed. It had only been a week and a half, but he was starting to fall for this man.

Changbin grips the steering wheel of Chan’s car tightly with his left hand, softly grabbing Chan’s leg with his right hand. “Are you sure about this?”

“I need my belongings, Changbin.” Chan tried to sound confident as he stared at the car parked in front of them, but his voice wavers a bit. “I can’t keep wearing the same things and I can’t keep living off of you. It’s been nearly two weeks.”

Changbin sighs as he turns to look at Chan. “I’m going in there with you.”

“I can do this myself, Changbin, I promise.”

“I told you yesterday and I’m not changing my mind. He’s hurt you before, Chan.”

Chan bites his lip and looks down to his knees, subconsciously grabbing Changbin’s hand. “I’ll be fine.”

“I’m not asking. He could be there, react poorly, and try and kill you.”

Chan sighs, looking up at Changbin with tears in his eyes. “Fine, fine,” he relents, “just be careful. If he’s here, Hyunjin has a temper and he’s not gonna like this.”

“To be frank,” Changbin lets go of the steering wheel, undoing his seatbelt. “I don’t give a shit what he thinks, dove. I don’t know if this is the real thing or not, but I’m gonna protect you.” He lifts himself up off of the seat a bit, grabbing Chan’s face and pulling him in closely. He brushes his lips softly up against the older man’s, only for a brief moment, before pulling back and staring at him with purpose. “You deserve to be happy and safe.”

Chan furrows his brows as he stares at Changbin. “Why are you doing this?”

“Because I care.”

“But why?”

“I don’t know, dude, it’s a gut feeling.” The two of them sit there and stare at each other for a second, then Chan softly laughs.

“I’ll let you have that. Who knows? Maybe we’ll get lucky and he won’t even be here.”

“I certainly hope not.”

Chan turned his key in the door, unlocking it and pushing it open. Unfortunately for them, Hyunjin was there, and he was furious. The blond hastily undoes his necktie and lackadaisically discards it on the floor, reeling as he scowls at Chan, glowering at him.

“Chun-hwa, I had to leave work early for this shit.” Hyunjin’s voice was laden with venom. He took a couple of heavy footsteps towards Chan, gripping his fist tightly, until he saw Changbin step in to the side of Chan and he froze in his tracks. “Are you fucking kidding me?” He scoffs, his face wrinkling up in disbelief. “Who the fuck is this? You think you can just bring some manwhore into my house?”

“Back off,” Changbin dryly says, stepping in front of Chan and adjusting his shoulders, rolling them back. Posturing. “Chan is here to collect his things. You give him any problems, and you’ll be answering to my fists.”

Hyunjin looks at both of them and lets out a throaty laugh. “Are you fucking kidding, shortie? I could kick your ass just by looking at you funny.”

Changbin cocks an eyebrow up, placing his hands on his hips. A faint smirk curls up on the right side of his face as he slightly turns his head towards Chan, not breaking eye contact with Hyunjin. “Go grab your things. Don’t worry about this string bean-looking asshole.”

“He looks thin, Changbin, but Hyunjin is tough. And fast.” Chan takes a hand and places it on Changbin’s shoulder, but the younger man doesn’t react. He leans in closer, right up to Changbin’s ear, and whispers. “I told you, he’s beaten me senseless before. He’s more of a threat than you’d think.”

“Not worried about it. Go, Chan.” Changbin pops the knuckles of his fingers and rolls his neck around. “Ready to teach this motherfucker a lesson.”

Changbin’s quip causes Hyunjin to roll his eyes and dismissively shake his head. “Yeah, believe it when I see it, shithead.”

Chan takes a moment, contemplating if he should intervene, but he decides against it. He figures that Changbin is a grown adult, and he can make decisions for himself, even if that meant he was potentially going to get his face rearranged. “Don’t do anything stupid,” he whispers, then moves towards the back of the apartment, towards his old bedroom. The bedroom he shared with Hyunjin. The bedroom that caused his heart to drop into the pit of his stomach with every step he took closer and closer to it; old, negative memories resurfacing.

Hyunjin eyes Chan as he walks past. “You’re not just gonna walk past me and pretend like I don’t exist, Chun-hwa.” Changbin’s eyes roll down to Hyunjin’s feet, watching the micro-movements his toes were making. As soon as the side of his right foot twitched, his toes turning towards Chan, Changbin stopped paying attention to whatever nonsense Hyunjin was sputtering off. It was time to move.

He swiftly rushed forward, reaching his left hand out to grab Hyunjin’s collar, winding his right hand back in a tight fist. “What the fuck?” Hyunjin barely had enough time to react before Changbin’s fist collided into his cheekbone, causing the younger man to let out a strained groan. The blond regained his composure, then kneed the black-haired man in the stomach in response, causing him to curl into himself a bit, but he refused to falter.

Changbin’s grip on Hyunjin’s collar loosened only briefly. He reoriented himself upright and grabbed the other side of his collar with his right hand and threw him into the kitchen table just off to the right-hand side. The paraphernalia intricately placed on the table went flying, including a glass vase that clattered to the floor and shattered into what looked like a thousand pieces.

“You fucking dweeb,” Hyunjin grunts against the table, “you can’t do shit to me with those tiny arms.”

“You wanna fucking bet?” Changbin lifts Hyunjin up and rams him back into the table. “Looks like you’re the one in a compromising position here, dude.”

Hyunjin scowls, kicking the older man in the shin to distract him, then reaches up to his hair, grabbing a fistful of it and throwing his free fist into his cheek. “I’m gonna rearrange your fucking face, you prick.”

Chan sucked in some air through his teeth, physically cringing as he heard the men roll around, grumbling and shouting, their fists colliding into each other. He tried so hard to just ignore what was happening behind him. He shakes his head a couple of times before he starts haphazardly throwing his important belongings into some bags.

Hyunjin and Changbin wrestle around a bit more, a couple of fists to the face, a couple of knees to the stomach. Chan tries so hard to ignore the throaty grunts and the sharp cries coming from both of them. He just needed his important documents, his favourite sweatshirt, some clothing. He compromised: the photos of the family and friends that rejected him could stay behind. It would slow him down and he didn’t need that kind of negativity in his life. Not anymore. Not when he knew they weren’t worth the mental energy, when he could fill that negative void with new people that accepted him and loved him for who he was.

Chun-hwa had finally died at the Seongsu Bridge the night he was saved, and a new, revitalized Chan was born from the ashes of the person he used to be. It was time to leave the negativity behind, once and for all. Let it all die in this shitty apartment with the remnants of the relationship with his shitty ex-boyfriend.

“Wait a minute. I’ve seen you before, I remember your name now.” Changbin wipes some blood off from under his lip, stumbling backwards a bit. “I finally realized who you are.” He punctuates his sentence with a sharp, sarcastic laugh. “How ironic.”

Hyunjin’s eyes grow wide as he holds the back of his hand up against his bleeding nose.

“That gay bar down in Itaewon. You hit on my friend, who was very much taken, and so were you.” A nervous scoff comes from Hyunjin. “Felix wanted nothing to do with you, but you kept hitting on him. Unlike you, Felix was, and still is, happily committed and out to his partner. Yet, you treat your ex-boyfriend like shit because you didn’t like him identifying as a man. If I recall correctly, it was because you didn’t want your friends to think you were gay. Interesting, isn’t it?”

Chan steps out of the bedroom, eyebrows furrowed in disbelief. “What did you just say? Did I just hear you correctly?” His voice sounds pained and confused. Changbin turns around for a moment, surprised to hear Chan come up from behind him.

This was his opportunity. Hyunjin grabs a thin, hardcover book off of the table from behind him, blood spilling down from his nose, and he runs up to Changbin and brings the book crashing into the side of his face. There was enough force to cause the older man to fall to the ground with a sharp cry. Hyunjin angrily throws the book at the wall in front of him and stares over at Chan as Changbin brings a hand to his face and whines.

“I’m not letting you leave this fucking place alive. You hear me?” Hyunjin’s voice is dark, but flat. All of the light in his eyes had evaporated, and Chan froze in place. He had been here before, seen that look in Hyunjin’s eyes. He so desperately wanted to run, hide in the washroom or the bedroom, but he was frozen in place, like someone had glued his feet to the floor.

“Hyunjin,” Chan softly whines, bringing his hands up to cover his face, to hide away from the impending attack he was about to receive, “Hyunjin, please, don’t do this.”

“Shut up, you stupid cunt.” Hyunjin spits out, taking a slow, deliberate step towards Chan. “Cheating on me with some stupid gay dude. Running away from me for almost two weeks. How fucking dare you bring another man into my house?”

Changbin shakes his head and snaps back to reality, managing to grab Hyunjin’s ankle before he walks out of reach.

“The fuck?” The blond stops, looking down to Changbin and he shakes his leg, but is unable to free himself from the smaller man’s grasp.

“I’m stronger than you. You’re going to regret treating Chan like shit.” That’s all Changbin says before he musters all of his strength to pull Hyunjin to the ground. The younger man loses his footing, colliding down to the ground with a thick thud. Chan pulls his hands away from his face, and his mouth drops as he watches the two of them.

Hyunjin may have been terrifying to Chan when he was angry, but seeing Changbin like this was petrifying. The black-haired man’s expression was flat, calculated, and a deep bruise was starting to form where Hyunjin crashed the book into his face. He crawled over Hyunjin, lifting his head up by his blond hair with both of his hands, then rapidly brought it down to the floor, a loud thud echoing throughout the room.

Hyunjin cries out as he rolls his head around on the floor. “Stop it,” he sputters out, “just fucking stop!”

“How many times did Chan say that when you beat the shit out of him?” Changbin’s voice is quiet, calm. Too calm for this situation.

“W-what?”

Changbin lets out an irritated huff and raises his voice. “How many times did Chan beg for you to stop? Every time you beat him? Every time you assaulted him? Wait a second.” He lifts his head to look at Chan, his eyes piercing him with a strategic glance. “You mentioned something a few days ago that concerned me, but I never pressed the issue. Did this fucking prick ever rape you, Chan?”

Chan’s eyes widen and he looks down at the floor. “I…” His voice trails off, clearly avoiding the question.

“Chan.”

“Fuck you.” Hyunjin’s voice is garbled and he spits some blood into Changbin’s face. “She’s a fucking slut and isn’t worth your time.”

Changbin somehow ignores Hyunjin’s prodding, letting the bloody saliva drip down his cheek. “Chan. Answer me.”

A tear slips down Chan’s face as he shrinks into himself. Memories started to come flooding back of nights where Hyunjin got too drunk. The nights where Chan would try and correct Hyunjin’s terrible behaviour, how he’d quietly plead with him to refer to him as the correct name and gender. The nights where he’d wake up and Hyunjin would be there, hovering over him, clearly frustrated with Chan not wanting to sleep with him and —

“Chan!” Changbin’s voice is angry, loud. It’s distracting enough to bring Chan back to the situation at hand.

He slowly looks up, scanning every detail on the floor, trailing his way up to Hyunjin. There was no emotion on Chan’s face, nothing in his eyes, as he stared at the bloodied blond. “Don’t kill him, Changbin.” His voice is soft.

Weak.

Tired.

A beat passes and the implication of Chan’s words causes Changbin’s nostrils to flare in fury, and Hyunjin’s eyes grow wide, staring at Chan as if he were betrayed. “You fucking—“ Hyunjin tries to speak, but Changbin brings his fist against the younger man’s face. He does this several times, before Hyunjin goes limp, and blood spills from his nose and his face.

Changbin breathes heavily as he stares down at the bloodied man beneath him. His entire torso trembles from adrenalin, fear, anger, and shock.

“Is he alive?” Chan manages to squeak out.

“I…” Changbin shakes his head rapidly, trying to bring himself back to the moment. “Yeah, he’ll be fine. I think. He’s still breathing.”

Chan’s hands shake as he anxiously wrings his hands. “What the fuck was that, Changbin? That was more than a fist fight. More than protection.”

“He hurt you.” Changbin looks up at Chan, his expression no longer confident. Strangely enough, he looked terrified. “Chan, he abused you. He raped you, for fuck's sake. What else was I supposed to do?”

Chan bit his lip and folded his arms, not in irritation, but as if he was trying to comfort himself. “Have you done this before?”

“This badly?” Changbin looks down to Hyunjin and brings himself to his feet. “Only once. I had to defend myself against a few guys behind a bar once. I had to protect Felix. You learn to protect yourself against a world that doesn’t want you to exist. Against people that want you dead just because you’re happy. It’s why I’m so adamant about working out.” He looks up to Chan, but doesn’t advance towards him.

Chan is aggressively chewing on his lips, pulling dead skin off of them and causing his lips to drip blood. He watches Hyunjin’s head tilt to the side, blood dripping down his face, his lips and eyes starting to swell. “Changbin, that was fucking terrifying.”

“I’m so sorry, Chan. I didn’t mean to make this situation worse.”

Chan breathes in deeply, then gets enough courage to to look up at Changbin. “No, no,” his voice is shaky, “Hyunjin deserved it. Just, please, promise me you’ll never do that again unless you absolutely have to.”

Changbin sarcastically huffs. “I don’t like doing this, Chan. I just get protective over people I care about.” His eyes soften, tears starting to well up. “I’ll do anything to protect you, dove.”

Chan doesn’t say anything. He takes a shaky step forward, then another, his feet shuffling forward enough until he collides against Changbin’s chest. “Don’t hug me back,” he says as the younger man lifts his arms, “you’ve got blood all over your hands.”

The men stand in front of the kitchen sink, hastily cleaning most the blood off of their arms and faces. Chan gives Changbin a loose hoodie to cover his bloodied shirt. “Guess it’s a good thing I wore black pants today, huh?” Changbin’s quip causes Chan to roll his eyes.

They grab the hastily packed bags and two boxes and bring them down to Chan’s car.

“Is that everything you want?” Changbin slams the back door of the car a bit harder than he intended to.

“Yeah. I just wanna get out of here and shower. Get out of here before Hyunjin wakes up. Well, hopefully he wakes up.” Chan shakes his arms, trying to rid the nerves that were built up inside of them. “I want to go home with you and curl up in bed and forget all about this.”

Changbin says nothing as he walks up to Chan, he brings a hand up to his face, softly stroking his cheek with his thumb. They tiredly, longingly gaze into each others’ eyes for a few moments. “‘Home’, dove?”

“What?” Chan cocks his head to the side in confusion.

“You said you want to go home with me.”

“Oh,” Chan bites his sore lip and softly smiles. “I suppose I did, didn’t I?” Changbin smiles in response and nods his head once. “We’re doing this backwards, you know. We’re not even dating, and we’ve already fucked. You beat the shit out of my ex, rightfully so. And now I’m going to be staying with you, almost like I’m moving in with you. You even have a cutesy pet name for me.”

Changbin lifts himself up on to his toes and gently, briefly presses his lips against Chan’s. He pulls back, bouncing back on to his heels. “I just want you to be safe and comfortable. Even if we’re just roommates. Even if it ends in heartbreak. Just knowing I got you out of such a horrible place is good enough for me. Knowing I saved your life and helped give you a second chance, a chance to actually breathe, to be comfortable with who you are. That’s all I need.”

A deeper smile slowly creeps up on Chan’s face as he blushes and looks away from Changbin. He sucks in a quick breath, then shyly, quickly gives the black-haired man’s forehead a soft kiss. “You’re my nightlight.”

“What?” Changbin cocks his head to the side and his eyebrows pull together in confusion.

“I’m your dove, your sign of peace. You’re my nightlight: guiding me through the darkness. Keeping me safe from the unknown.” Chan bends down and quietly whispers something in Changbin’s ear, and it causes his eyes to grow wide.

“Did you just…?” The younger man stutters, his words barely coherent.

Chan smiles, pulling his key fob out of his front pocket. “Let’s go home, Binnie.”

#skz fics #serious #trans male character #binchan #bang chan x seo changbin #seo changbin x bang chan #chan x changbin #changbin x chan #wherevermyway

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twiceblackvelvet · 4 years

Text

forgive me for the long post, i’m still trying to gather my thoughts on this situation but i’m going to do my best to address the most common issues people bring to me because clearly my intentions are being misconstrued, have become confused for some of you and people attempted to put a lot of words into my mouth last night that i never stated.

i’m also not the best at explaining myself at times but i am going to do my best to offer my own perspective as well as insight into my thinking, so if anyone is confused by anything detailed here, you can simply ask me in a polite manner and i will talk about it with you.

tw // mentions of anxiety, transphobia, self harm, suicide, harassment

i have for a long time discussed my dislike of this community when i first joined it. i thought that the big accounts were all in cliques together, not willing to help anyone and that they just never really cared about much except issues regarding themselves. i’ve also talked about how i personally did not want to be like that as i am unable to just simply “ignore” things i see happening, in fact, i struggle to let go of them as i do tend to hyperfixate on negative situations where i’ve felt like my feelings have been hurt which is very easy for me to feel like has happened even if someone wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt me. i have felt this for a large part of my life which never really became clear to me until i realised it’s also a part of adhd or more specifically rejection sensitive dysphoria.

i feel my emotions incredibly intensely and whether someone intended to upset me or not, i will in the majority of situations i’m in convince myself that they meant to hurt me and then i’ll put myself down because of that. it’s a lot harder for me through a screen to decipher people’s intentions but i try my best not to let it bother me too much, which isn’t easy whatsoever.

i also have anxiety which makes it hard for me to deal with certain situations where increased hate is thrown around so casually because i will start to panic. it also makes it hard for me to approach others particularly when i’m already in a state of anxiety which is kind of a cruel, twisted joke by the universe when you think about it.

however, i do find issues within this community incredibly important to discuss so that people can see how others have had to deal with such things as transphobia and make people realise we can all do better to protect others or make certain changes to try and stop it from happening. so, i always try my best to do what i think is right. people are free to disagree with my methods if they wish but i don’t believe you can stamp out some of these problems by talking about it behind closed doors as no one will ever know what your thoughts on it are, you have no way of educating others and it can come across as unsupportive instead.

when i first decided to use my voice back in May to talk about what in my opinion was one of the bigger accounts within this community, i figured that i had opened the floor for conversations that needed to be discussed about cis-het people in lgbt+ spaces. instead i was met with anonymous messages telling me to harm myself, i received lesbophobic slurs and even someone attacking me based on the fact i had pronouns in my bio who assumed i was trans. this was an incredibly difficult situation for me and caused me to almost be “afraid” of my own account for months. i only began to feel comfortable again when the issue with that same person arose just a few months ago which resulted in them deactivating.

i’m aware there are people out there who are upset with me and others for what they feel is us “bullying” this person off the platform, but what i see is that lgbt+ people/accounts finally decided to keep our spaces safe and i see that people are far more comfortable now with that person gone, whether you like it or not, that is the truth of the matter. they made people feel invalidated, they encouraged violence against lgbt+ people and felt like everything they did was fine. it was not. it never was.

for some reason afterward, people began coming to me to tell me about other people within this community who perhaps didn’t address something or had been friends with that person. i personally struggle to talk to anyone who was friends with them because i know some of them saw the original issue back in May and could have spoken up to at least try and stop people sending death threats, but they didn’t. however, i don’t think these issues have a time limit for people to speak up nor do i think people should instantly go to hate anyone who doesn’t but rather ask them “hey did you see x problem, what are your thoughts?” and then base what happens next on their answer.

but i want to make something very clear, sending messages to people telling them to harm themselves etc. is never the answer. it only causes more pain and takes away the opportunity to have an educational conversation with that person to perhaps make them see that their views may be problematic.

i’m only one person, you know? do i believe that i have this “power” that anons keep telling me i do? no. i think that this community has for a long time been silent on important matters and thus me and a few other blogs being outspoken on some of the bigger accounts who either once were or still are in the community has shaken a lot of things up for people and some don’t like that. i think when addressing such issues as transphobia and reblogging posts from those who have to go through it everyday who maybe detail things they experience, some people have realised they too hold the same beliefs as those who are being called out and by default they feel called out also.

but please don’t ever compare something as dangerous, life-threatening and harmful as transphobia to me not mentioning another creator in an ask. those two are in no way comparable and dilutes the issue of transphobia massively when it has real-life consequences that i’ve personally talked about a situation close to me but also happens every single day unfortunately and we all can do far more/better to protect people who are trans.

i’ve since brought up situations where other creators have either said or done something that i feel is wrong and again, if they’re willing to share opinions that are transphobic or mocking being n/b-phobic publicly, i also think other creators around them have the right to call them out publicly. i won’t apologise for this because again, it can’t be solved behind closed doors as that furthers the silence people previously relied on in this community to avoid helping or supporting others. i think anyone who does believe these things should be discussed privately after the person made it a public issue should reflect on that a little.

as for me not mentioning a specific creator in an ask. it genuinely was not my intention to hurt them or anyone else by not mentioning them, i genuinely just don’t like to talk about people on others’ blogs but especially not if i don’t know the person and they don’t know me. i understand now how that looks bad on me, but i still stand by my choice as i genuinely do not see why it caused such a huge uproar after i had explained myself multiple times.

i have apologised to that creator personally and unfortunately there are other complications there which have made it hard for me to let this issue go, through no fault of their own but rather i just am very aware of how i have now fixated on this and i have to get myself out of that ultimately. but i want to reiterate here that there is no problem on my side toward them, i genuinely just do not like to talk about others that i don’t know. i never have liked that as i’ve had it happen to me but there’s nothing more i can do about it now. i hope they’re able to see i meant no harm whatsoever as i hope the rest of you can but i understand if not.

i’m very aware that at least one of the anons from last night is someone who has previously attacked me on multiple occasions (same language etc.) and it does scare me a little bit that there is someone essentially just watching my account and waiting for me to do or say anything so they can strike and attack me but again there’s nothing i can do about that other than block them from sending asks (tried it) but if they continue to persist i don’t know what more i can do to protect myself from that.

i’ve opened myself up a lot here and i’m very proud of that because it’s something i struggle with, however, i’m also aware people can now use those things against me. but to see that someone mentioned my own relationship last night hurt me deeply because whilst i don’t mind talking about it, i also don’t wish for anyone to feel like they’re close enough to our relationship that they have the right to bring it up so casually as a way to try and hurt either of us or that any of you are entitled to an opinion on it because none of you truly know either of us or how our relationship works, nor will you ever from me at least. ultimately, no one has that right to mention our relationship but the both of us is my point. so don’t try and pull that with me, you won’t like the outcome.

i want to end this by saying that i’m fine and reassure you all that i’ve been able to let all of this go but the truth is i’m not fine right now. i always try to find a “fix” for any problems people have because i want to help everyone but i struggle to do so when it comes to my own ultimately and i also don’t believe there is a “fix” for this but rather i just have to come to terms with the fact that my values in wanting to stand up for others (which i will continue to do) or not wanting to talk about people who i don’t know have ultimately hurt others so i have to figure out a way to bring this back to a positive state for myself. i’m just unsure how currently but i’ll figure it out.

i apologise again for not mentioning a-nxny in that ask, it was not an intentional thing and i honestly did not think or believe anyone would find offense in it and had i known i wouldn’t have done that, but i do hope people can at least see this from my perspective a little bit and then it’s up to you whether you agree or disagree, again there’s no fix for this.

i am begging all of you who read this who maybe has sent hurtful things either recently or previously to please reconsider as that is never the answer and i do not condone anything of that nature whatsoever. if in future you see me talking about certain issues or if another creator does something problematic, don’t then go and harass them with asks wishing them harm. instead either approach them from an educational point of view or dont approach them at all. i am someone who this has happened with and had to get myself out of suicidal thoughts because of people doing this back in May, so don’t do it to someone else, please.

#tw: anxiety #tw: harassment #tw: self harm #tw: transphobia #tw: suicide

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m00nlitknight · 4 years

Note

Hello. I really like your previous works. Can I make request, please? Reader's been in relationship with whole gang for a couple of months. Everything was ok but Henry got jealous and started to ruin her relationship with rest of the gang distancing her from them.

ofc!! ✨ i don’t know if im really happy where i left off with this, so if you’re interested i could potentially make a part two? i’m pretty happy with some parts of it ngl, but that might be my 4am brain talking lol;;

warnings: usages of slurs / degrading terms ( light, but still present ). mentions of frick fracking. possessive behavior. none else to really talk about. pairing: poly!bowers gang x reader / henry bowers x reader extra ( edit ): feel free to look through my masterlist for other bower’s gang/reader works, and have a fantastic day!

vindictive.

The relationship with the infamous Bowers’ Gang began in what you could only describe as a fictional scenario. You’d always been known as one of the kindest individuals in your classes, a large soul and absolutely heart-warming and dazzling smile. The reputation, though humbling on the darkest of evenings, felt strenuous to keep up. It was suffocating, sometimes, when you wanted nothing more than to fade in the scenery, or to say no to a request from someone. Being the school doormat gave you an easy pass to adoration, but a hard road to doing whatever anyone wanted.

That’s what confused you about the sudden interest of the gang. Sure, you had been paired up once or twice with them for class projects, shouldered the entirety of the workload; but everytime they hardly batted an eye your way. Except for Vic, but he always seemed to be a bit more socially adept then the other three. So it was only fitting that the initial interest came from him, one day after your shared class he approached you, and asked if you’d ever want to hang out.

Obviously, you said yes, and reaped the immediate consequences. Practically the next day after his query, people began to look at and treat you differently. No longer was there an affectionate warmth in their gaze, reserved exclusively for you, instead replaced with a brief flash of fear before morphing into a bout of confusion for how to tread the situation. You didn’t mind it, or at least on the surface you didn’t. The validation found in your peers suddenly being ripped from your grasp was a bit whiplash inducing, not that you could really do anything about it.

The initial hangout, which you look back at fondly as your first actual date, was a casually dressed affair. He took you to get milkshakes, which you indulged in the city’s center and poked fun at the Paul Bunyan statue, then took you to go thrift shopping. It was that day you’d found your new favorite sweater, called ‘hideous’ on many occasions by the likes of your mother and peers, and a cute denim skirt.

It didn’t take long for Henry himself to nearly shoehorn himself into your relationship with Vic, apparently prompting Belch to ambush the two of you on your second date. The Trans-Am’s engine was unbearably loud, coming up behind the two of you holding hands as Henry hollered something you couldn’t quite make out.

Five months down the line, and half-way through Junior year, a heartfelt outpour from the entire gang; and suddenly you’d become the apple of all of their eyes, so to speak. Most of the time, your interactions were soft with all the boys, cuddled up with them all -- your personal favorite being Belch, he knew just the position for you to be putty in your hands; Patrick on the other hand did everything in his power to make you squirm while in his grasp. He’d simply cackle at your protests of his wandering hands, then proceed to mock the tone of your voice.

Though, from the sidelines, you were mostly able to ignore the fiery glares thrown by Henry. No matter how much attention you gave him, how many times you’d let him leave unsolicited hickies on your neck in plain sight to be hidden from your mother, or held him after a rough night.

He’d never said thank you or praised you for anything, which left you devoid of where you stood with him. If he hated you, would you even be around the other three? Wouldn’t he have been completely blunt and outright with it? The creeping worry manifesting itself in your gut grew with time, and with time you began to give him more of your attention to try and sedate it.

Inside the labyrinth of his mind, Henry’s opinion of you began as negative -- the ambushing of your and Vic’s date was a stunt to try and drive you away from the gang in entirety. But you just came the fuck back. Loyalty was written all over your features, as was inexperience. With time, the faint flame of interest that licked the recesses of his mind fanned themselves into a stronger blaze, and suddenly the shared attention you had been giving the gang was like gasoline.

He played himself off as distant, instead replying to the work you put in with brief hand holds or an arm thrown around your shoulders to show possessiveness around school. Being calculating obviously wasn’t his thing, nor was being patient.

He took your first kiss, and one of his first, one night while alone with you, the second month into the relationship. Pussyfooting around the more carnal aspects of a relationship wasn’t something he typically found himself doing, but he knew that Vic or Belch would have his head if he rushed things too fast. In the end, though, it drove him to wanting more.

Physical affection was kept behind closed doors, and he couldn’t be sure that your intimacy was only reserved for him, considering you never sported any other markings or called out the name of any of the other members while you were with him. It inflated his ego to astronomical levels, and it killed him that he couldn’t flaunt it in his friend’s faces.

Regardless, he wanted you to himself and himself alone.

-----------

“Good morning!” your voice cut through the mid-morning drowsiness of the boys sitting in the parked Trans-Am on the curb in front of your home with steely sharpness, but a welcome smile finds its way onto Belch’s face.

“Morning, gorgeous,” he says from the driver’s seat. “Hop in.”

“Can do!” your morning pep leads to a foot on the tire and hauling yourself into the car by means of the roof, and plopping directly in Patrick’s lap - eliciting a hearty grunt and smirk from the boy.

“You’re awfully full of life this morning, feels shameful to waste this energy on something so innocent as breakfast,” he all but purrs as he tugs you further into his grasp while the car lurches forward and en route to the typical Saturday-morning hangout spot.

“Ew, Pat,” Vic cringes over to his friend and you, true malicious intent absent. “It’s fucking brunch time, let ‘em wake up first, will you?”

His question is answered by a cheeky nip to your neck, causing you to squeal.

In the front seat, Henry broods silently. On the radio plays one of Belch’s cassettes which goes unlistened, and a favorite of his; ...And Justice for All by Metallica. The playful tone of your voice and Patrick’s advancements manage to leave a sour taste in his mouth, even though he made the extra effort to brush his teeth this morning.

The meal goes relatively uneventful, though your wandering eyes, half-lidded and vixen-esque, irritate him further. Vic has an arm around your waist, and Belch holding an unoccupied hand under the table. If he’d thought any better, Patrick was all but devouring you from across the table. It was an affection-filled scene, which made the poor diner waitress visibly uncomfortable.

After breakfast, Belch drops both you and Henry off at your home, currently unoccupied by your mother who has work. “Bye, we’ll be seeing you guys later!”

“Henry, be nice to ‘em, will ya?” Belch booms from the window, around Patrick climbing into the front seat like an animal.

His request is met with a smirk from Henry, who pulls you into a passionate but short kiss in front of the trio. “As nice as I can be.”

It leaves you immediately flustered and giggling as you’re pulled into your own home and leaving the other three in a vague state of confusion. The engine faded away in the distance as you moved toward your house, a mess of giggles, flushed cheeks, and a downcasted gaze. Henry’s smirk is short-lived as his expression shifts back to neutrality. He watches you walk through the door and shift to the side to take off your shoes, opting to keep his own on. The brief and blissful silence is broken by his voice, laced with the undeniable edge of his ire. “Who’s your favorite?”

The question hangs in the air, souring the atmosphere directly as it leaves his mouth. You freeze at the words, mid finangling your shoe off as you turn to look at him with a confused, and slightly hurt, expression. “Huh?”

“Don’t play fuckin’ stupid. Who’s your favorite?” He takes a step towards you, which you subconsciously shrink back from.

“I-I don’t have one?”

“God, maybe y’are fuckin’ stupid. There’s four of us and y’mean t’tell me not ‘a one of us sticks out more than the others?”

A blush spreads across your features, an involuntary testament to your unease and outright lie. Your eyes dart to look anywhere but him as your body betrays you, petrified in intimidation. “You,” murmur with a gentle voice and laced with a lack of thinking.

He leans down to your mouth, quickly overtaking your personal space and invading your nostrils with his scent -- cheap body spray and masculinity. It’s nearly intoxicating. “What was that?”

“You,” an utterance with little more force, the action of taking a lungful of air simply too strenuous.

“Mind tellin’ me why I feel the least love then?”

You almost want to deflate at it, even if the hands wrapping around your shoulder feel like nothing short of a tender moment. All the time you’d spent with him, all that you’d given to him, and he still felt overshadowed?

“I…”

“Or, is it jus’ that you’re an attention-seeking slut?” The words cut deeper then he’s capable of understanding, and the sick smile curling onto his lips and the whispered tone feel vastly different then what he’s actually saying.

You’re rendered speechless as he takes you closer to the couch, dragging you into a straddling position on him. “Show me what I was missin’ at brunchfast then, huh?”

Wide-eyed and bashful you stare. What are you even supposed to do? He leans into you, peppering your throat with kisses while his hands wander up and down your sides. Instinctively, your hands move to run through his hair and he nearly purrs at the contact and looks up at you with an intense, baby-blue gaze.

“Who’s your favorite?”

“You,” sighed out as he starts sucking on your neck and rubbing at your hips.

“Say it,” a rough voice reverbs through him from his chest, and he relishes in the affection of your gentle hands. You’re his. His.

“You’re my favorite, Henry,” your voice tightens when he starts to suck on your collarbone.

---------

He’d managed to cut your afterglow short in the early evening, badgering you to call Belch and tell him not to drive you to school for the next week. You did it, albeit with a bit of confusion, and feeling vague sadness when Belch’s tone took a nose-dive into disappointment when the subject of the call was revealed. For the next week, you couldn’t look any of the gang in the eye, instead taking to marinate in your own shame and blatantly avoid them.

#henry bowers x reader #it 2017 #it 2017 fanfiction #reader insert #henry bowers imagine #henry bowers #bowers gang x reader #bowers gang imagine #poly bowers gang #belch huggins x reader #vic criss x reader #patrick hockstetter x reader #writing.txt #i hope this is ok! thank u for the req :')#Anonymous

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