#seeking out my autism diagnosis

[memento-morri-writes]

Had the very strange experience today of being complimented by my professor and thinking to myself "you can thank tumblr for that".

(explanation/angry ramblings about the world under the cut. tw for racism and police violence)

So on Monday in class we watched a dashboard cam video of an altercation between a policeman and a black man that took place in my state. (My professor got called as an expert witness to the trial and got permission from the court to share the video.) After the video, the professor asked us what we thought about it, and what we thought either party did right/wrong/could have done better.

Most of the class was pretty wishy-washy, either not willing to get "political" in class, or hiding more extreme prejudices. But the absolutely insane thing was that most of them said the cop "handled it fine". My dude. The cop broke this man's window, attempted to rip him out of the car, and then later pulled a gun on him, leaving the man begging for his life. How the fuck is that "fine" behavior from someone who is supposed to make people feel safe???

Obviously being the opinionated, not-afraid-of-starting-fights little shit that I am, I had to call bullshit. I was the very last person the professor called on (by virtue of sitting in the far back corner) and I was really one of 2 or 3 people who actually said any words that meant anything.

I opened with the words "Have any of you actually had the police called on you? Anyone?" and went from there. I brought up that even as a literal child, and a privileged white one at that, I was terrified of the police. To the point that when a school employee told me (lying) that she had called them on me, I panicked, barricading myself in a room, and attempting to run as soon as someone opened the door. I was 12, and white. I had no reason to fear cops, having been raised on cop propaganda.

Now imagine how an adult black man must feel, living in the U.S., especially post-George Floyd. Every few weeks/months he's seeing on the news "black man shot by police, black man killed by police, black person beaten by police" and on and on and on. Of fucking COURSE his first reaction when he's pulled over (completely alone, no witnesses around) by a cop is to flee. Is that the "rational" thing to do? No. But people don't act rationally when they're terrified for their fucking lives.

Anyways, I brought that up, as well as pointed out the fact that the cop was the first one to get aggressive (swearing, raising his voice), as well as the fact that the cop had the nerve to later say "oh look, I have glass in my hand. This sucks." as if it wasn't his own fucking choice to break this poor man's window.

Some other classmates seemed mildly emboldened by my long rambling defense of the black man, and instead of saying wishy washy nothing spoke up a little more. Which was nice to see. But still... they didn't say much of substance.

Anyways, fast forwards to today, and when I walk into class the professor calls me over and says that my analysis of the video was "Something he'd expect out of a graduate student." While that was nice to hear, it was also disheartening, because my "analysis" was just pointing out things that happened in the video and linking them to real world events, as well as using common sense. So it's kind of sad to think that that level of critical thinking and just plain "don't be an idiot"-ness is rare.

I also didn't know how to feel about the fact that I have tumblr to thank for my education on that kind of thing, because god knows my 90% white, mildly conservative hometown didn't teach me shit about racism, or make me anti-cop.

I have the people who were spreading resources here on tumblr during the protests of 2021 to thank for that.

#morrigan.text #delete later #racism tw #police brutality tw #police violence tw #it's weird how many parts of me I can directly attribute to being on tumblr for the past 5 years. #including my general acceptance of people different from me #but also my queerness (or at least knowing what it is and being chill with it) #seeking out my autism diagnosis #being informed about current events #like. none of that would be true about me if not for being on tumblr. #which is very strange (and kind of sad) to think about.

[nemmet]

question: who is your favourite scooby doo character and why?

in a similar vein to my how did you get into scooby doo post from last month, i'm now interested in hearing who your favourite character from the franchise is! are they a member of the core gang or a side character? which iteration/version of theirs do you like best? do you have any specific memories associated with them? do they mean a lot to you personally, or do you just think they're neat? it's time to gush about them in the tags/replies!!

#if you don't know me: hi i'm nem and when the scooby doo hyperfixation beam hit me back in 2021 i was cursed to forever think about #fred jones more than everyone else on the planet combined #i just think the evolution of his character is so fascinating #especially in the way that they made him more engaging by just exaggerating his core traits a whole bunch over time #my favourite iterations of his are mystery inc (for the canon autism and generally how emotionally affecting he is) #and what's new (for just how plain silly and sweet he is) #however now that i've seen the whole show be cool's version of fred is now a firm favourite as well (his focus episodes are amazing!!!) #there's just so much that can be done with him and there's never a dull moment when he gets quality screentime in an episode or movie #he makes me laugh he makes me cry and through relating so much to his character he essentially tricked me into loving myself #i grew up with undiagnosed autism and struggled with self-hatred for things like my intense interests/social struggles/hyperempathy #things that i now know are just. fundamental parts of me and the way my brain is #so seeing fred be his unapologetic autistic self (canon in mystery inc/coded in everything else) made me feel less alone & gave me hope #which eventually led me to seek out & obtain my formal diagnosis at 17 and generally just feel so much more secure in who i am #so yeah!!!! this silly goofy cartoon character means a whole lot to me and i'm glad to have a place to express that :) #i look forward to seeing everyone's responses to this question!!! #scooby doo

[caffeinatedopossum]

I'm ngl, even though I know there's nothing wrong with being autistic, sometimes I really hate it.

I hate the anxiety, I hate the alienation, I hate all the things I don't know how to do because my whole life I've been taught how to do things in a way I can't. I've had to put in twice as much effort just to adapt my own way of doing things and I STILL feel like I'm always falling behind. I hate that even when people are super accommodating and kind and ask what they can do to help me, I don't actually know. I still don't know what helps.

I always feel confused, like no matter how much I try to participate, I still never know what's going on. It feels like the whole world is keeping a secret from me. So I retreat to my own world but it's lonely there and I'm not always great company. Sometimes it feels like all I can do is quietly contain myself as I struggle.

#sorry random rant again #its just really gettung to me lately #ive always been told i cant actually be autistic #and now that im around people who actually believe me #and ill be able to actually seek out diagnosis and other resources #its great in a lot of ways. im so much happier and more myself than ever before #i used to always question if i was 'faking' or mistaken and now that i have more people validating my experiences #i dont feel that as much anymore #and the thing thats replaced that imposter syndrome now is all the anxiety #along with trying to tell people i think im autistic there was also a lot of anxiety about how it was affecting me #but that anxiety was always dismissed along with the autism #so now all that anxiety has been validated too and i never learned how to cope with it #only how to dismiss it and shove it all down and ignore it #like i have no way to disprove my anxieties because they seem to be... real

[kokikwii]

I know this is my blog so in theory I could say whatever I want but I am so afraid to say anything bc any problem I have is so minimal compared to everyone else on here and especially in the world, I'm afraid to vent on here or to anyone bc i don't want to be whiny and it isn't even that bad but I'm spiraling anyways, I want to talk to someone but I don't want to be a bother and I hate that they pay walled human connection bc i feel like i need to talk to someone who knows what im talking about but also I don't want to force anyone to be my therapist but I also need to get this out of my head and writing it down in a journal doesn't help anymore and I'm too afraid to talk to my partner about these things bc im afraid they're sick of me always having problems and every day when I do something that is frustrating or exhausting they are one step closer to breaking up with me, so every time I panic or cry over something small it becomes gargantuan because I am so so terrified THIS will be the moment they end things, and I am afraid if I keep crying about the same things forever and ever they'll realize how exhausting i am and realize they'd be better without me, I'm afraid my friends feel the same way and everyone can't wait for me to get out of their lives and are relieved when I stop talking to them

#the only thing that helps is going through ocd forums and subreddits and seeing people post exactly what i feel and i know it maybe isnt #actually helping anything. i was considering seeking a diagnosis (and maybe one for autism as well) but am so afraid that im faking it or #they will mark me non compliant bc i stopped seeijg a psychiatrist and am off all my meds bc i was too anxious to set up an appointment 3 #years ago and also that maybe having diagnoses will only make it harder for me and also that psychiatry is harmful and i am a horrible #person for perpetuating it and legitimizing it for my issues ? is fhat insane to say? it looks wrong now that i wrote it down but its #something im so scared of. #i feel insane i feel like im out of my mind i know these feelings are irrational but it doesnt make them less real and me less horrible for #having them

[rube-too-many-fandoms]

(Vent post; a bit of a downer, nothing too intense, just some self pity.)

(…Maybe don’t read if you don’t want to have a mental awakening about how sad simping really is.)

i have no social life

i have ONE friend that i consider a sibling

they have a job and friends outside of school

and the deeper i hyperfixate the more i realize how lonely i am. like wtf

i feel like i’ve betrayed myself

they’re here gushing about their real life crush and how they’re going on a date and quitting their job to work somewhere else

while i’m over here emerging from my little hermit shell gushing about people that don’t exist with bags under my eyes from staying up til 2 AM every night watching YouTube or scrolling tumblr

don’t get me wrong, i love tumblr so much, but when interacting with/making posts is the most social interaction i’ve had in weeks, i think there might be a problem

then after all of this self-reflection my ADD makes it hard to retain the attention span to improve my nonexistent social life

and the rest of my brain cells go “hyperfixation fun” and “characters pretty” and “tumblr funny”

fucking instant gratification monkey fr

#TL;DR: I’m having a crisis bc I have no social life and surround myself w/ people who don’t exist. #it’s kind of like unrequited love bc the people i love don’t exist and can’t love me back. #i’m terminal. my diagnosis is hyperfixation #i feel so out of control. should i seek professional help? #this all dawned upon me in the span of 10 minutes #and now i am sad. probably won’t last long though; attention deficit disorder and all #I’m okay; not depressed or anything. just realized I am the human equivalent of a hermit crab #it’s like realizing the cake is a lie. except it’s the people i surround myself with. who don’t exist #ruby’s posts #instant gratification #vent blog #attention deficit disorder (add) #attention deficit disorder #hyperfixation #autism #undiagnosed autistic #undiagnosed autism #diagnosed add #autistic #instant gratification monkey #introvert #autistic behavior #terminally introverted #terminally hyperfixated #terminal instant gratification #neurodivergent #neurospicy

[senseiwu]

September is either gonna be the break i need or it'll break me

#we're moving offices and the new one isnt ready yet but we need to be out of our current office by september #and i still dont know whats happening with me #so. i might have a break. i might need to find another job for that time #cause it could be a few months before our new office is ready. #im thinking of maybe trying to stream more and do commissions and stuff to make some money #i hope i know whats going on soon so i can make plans #i really dont want to look for another job in the interim i hate job hunting no one evrr hires me and rhen i have to get used to a whole new #place. and #thats.hard #i was thinking it wasnt worth seeking out a professional autism diagnosis but. with my vision alone since im.not legally blind i dont #dont qualify for the disability support pension #but if i had an explanation for why i cant really work more than 15 hours a week mentally... #maybe ill qualify. and maybe theyll consider adhd too. though i think that needs to be under management for a while first #anyway. #AAAAAAAA #so much is happrning man oh my god #im so #ive been holdikg on to any bit of happiness ive had this week #like finding a 2 litre bottle of solo #i cant take one more bad thing

[robinsnest2111]

btw took a super quick adhd questionnaire at the therapist I went to today and there's also the possibility of adhd on the table now???

Well, more avenues to explore.

is it autism? is it adhd? is it simple ol' childhood trauma and emotional neglect? something else entirely? we just don't know (yet) 🙃

#this therapist was leaning more towards not autism but she's not an expert #tho she told me that 90% of ppl seeking out an autism diagnosis don't actually have it so #i probably don't ✌ but still worth looking for a specialist and paying huge amounts of money just to get tested on everything there is #there's so much overlap of symptoms between so many neurodivergencies and mental illnesses etc etc #all i know is that there's something not quite right with my brain and i need to fix it asap so i can get a job #and be a productive member of society (and get out of my parents' house to better my mental health further)

[ohara-n-brown]

As a late diagnosed autist I will say one of the most damaging but transformative experiences I've ever had was being misdiagnosed with BPD.

Everyday my heart goes out to people with BPD.

The amount of stigma and silencing they face is astonishing and sickening.

I took DBT for years. Therapists use to turn me away because of my diagnosis.

I would be having full blown autistic meltdowns, crying for help literally - but because I was labeled as BPD ANY time I cried I was treated as manipulative and unstable.

As if the only reason I could be crying was if I was out to trick someone.

95% of the books out there with Borderline in the title are named shit like 'How to get away from a person with Borderline', 'How to stop walking on eggshells (with a person who has BPD)'

I was never allowed to feel true pain or panic or need.

That was 'attention seeking behavior', not me asking for help when a disability was literally inhibiting my ability to process emotions.

There were dozens of times where I had a full meltdown and was either threatened with institutionalization or told I was doing it for attention.

My failing relationships weren't due to a communication issue, or the inability to read social cues. No, because I was labeled borderline, my unstable relationships were my fault. Me beggong nuerotypicals to just be honest and blunt with what they meant was me pestering them for validation.

Borderline patients can't win.

And the funny thing is - I asked my therapist about autism. I told her I thought I was on the spectrum.

BPD is WILDLY misdiagnosed with those with autism and I had many clear signs.

Instead - she told me 'If you were autistic we wouldn't be able to have this conversation'. She made me go through a list of autistic traits made clearly for children, citing how I didn't fit each one.

And then she told me that me identifying with the autism community was the BPD making me search for identity to be accepted - and that I wasn't autistic, just desperate to fit in somewhere.

I didn't get diagnosed for another ten years. For ten years I avoided the autism community - feeling as if I were just a broken person who wanted to steal from people who 'really needed it'.

Because of my providers - I began to doubt my identity MORE, not less.

Ten years of thinking I was borderline and being emotionally neglected and demonized by a system meant to help me.

To this day, I still don't trust neurotypicals. Not fully.

I know I'm not borderline now - but my heart aches for them. Not for the usual stuff. But for the stigma. And the asshole doctors. And the dismissiveness and threatening and the idea of institutionalization hanging over their head.

I love Borderline people. I always will. I'm not Borderline but if you are I love you and I'm sorry.

You're not a bad person. You're not a therapists worst nightmare, you are a human with valid feelings and fears.

Borderline people I'm sorry.

#autism #bpd #borderline personality disorder #actually autistic #neurodivergent #neurodivergency #neurodiversity #cluster b

[underwhelming-universe]

If you know me irl this post isn't for you keep scrolling

#. #......... #Yeah so it's probably an issue that I've started being suicidal again #I thought I got over this in August last year apparently not #Exam season really fucks me up #And I've not really got anything to look forward to once I leave school anyway #I don't want to sit my exams only to fail #I got straight As last year but I've barely been in school this year #To many anxiety attacks and now I'm in the process of seeking an autism diagnosis #Idk it just all feels so useless tbh #Even if I get a job I won't be doing anything meaningful #Nothing matters #I'm really lonely #Everyone I know is stressed tf out

[toomanyacronyms]

Thank you, aspie supremacists, for being so fucking full of yourselves that I, a self-diagnosed Level 1 Autistic, do not feel welcome in the Autism community because I'm scared of being attacked because I'm a white female-presenting person like the majority of you!

#i like finding others similar to myself alongside a whole community #and i cant even find that without a heaping ton of aspie supremacy #especially on tiktok #and the whole “not getting diagnosed because of percecution” is valid but not when it leads to lateral ableism #im not seeking a diagnosis becaise im not shelling out a coupke grand to be told i cant be because of some arbitrary reason #like i make eye contact or have friends or have a job #but you also dont see me throwing my fellow autistics under the fucking bus! #fuck you #autism #disability #disabled #aspie supremacy #ableism

[avo-kat]

i think, one of the most important things to learn regarding self-growth and self-realization is that: you are never taking something away from others by being yourself.

never ever ever.

realizing and accepting you have an illness does not take anything away from other people that have the same illness. even if you think others have it worse, or deserve help and support instead of yourself.

realizing and accepting a different sexual or gender identity does not take anything away from other people with the same identity. even if you think you do not have the same struggles or more privileges.

you being yourself does not take away anything from others.

#me at my past self and whoever else needs to hear it #be done thinking that you cant possibly suffer from a certain mental illness because others with it suffer more or deserve to get more help #or that ur not suffering as much so its fine no need to seek out help #no way this is over #also u can be as gay and trans as u want there is no police #u are not taking ANYTHING away from other gay or trans ppl by thinking those words apply to urself #wether ur simply gnc or demi or questioning #it belongs to u if it calls out to u #it belongs to u it belongs to me it belongs to all of us! #yes this is a call out for me #my dumbass going oh im nb but im not trans trans cuz i dont wanna be rude and intrude on that identity because um i dont have it that hard #nah man everybody can be trans #and its never too late btw! #get that autism or adhd diagnosis boygirl if uve been thinking abt it btw too

[the-lantern-alchemist]

So I had a doctor's appointment relating to ADHD medication (I was diagnosed with that and Dypraxia when I was 8 if that's relevant) back in September and this how the part I deem "the important bit" basically how it went:

*insert medical stuff that I don't consider relevant to the post that went on for 10-ish minutes*

The Nurse: alright is there anything else I need to know ?

My mother: *brings up how I have sensory issues and experience sensory overloads*

The Nurse: okay *proceeds to ask me a bunch of sensory related questions*

Me , slightly confused but just happy to be out of school: *answers her questions, not fully understanding why she's asking me this*

The Nurse: you see, you have what we call autistic traits

My brain upon hearing hearing that : w h a t ? What's that even supposed to mean?!

So fast forward to now, I got bored and decided to take the RAADS test online because I've seen a lot of Neurodivergent people taking it. I didn't think anything would come from it but I stood corrected when I say my score of 214. 214!!! Basically 214 falls into the category of "very strong evidence for Autism" (which is a score between 160 and 226). So I'm now just sitting here wondering, "well shit what do I do about it, do I tell mum or bring it up at my next appointment which is in February? But what if she doesn't believe me and NHS waiting lists a massive as it is ". So yeah I have no idea what I should do so I'm going to sit here and scroll through the site because I can

#what the fuck am i supposed to do #I know about the ADHD and Dypraxia but should I seek out an Autism diagnosis #why am I asking Tumblr for what is basically medical advice #what am i doin with my life

[bukuoshin]

I like. Neeeed to be checked out for autism, lol

#rae rants #i scored 113 on the like. The autism test the one with 95% accuracy that one. #but also like. it makes the most sense. #i mean its at the very least more understandable that having 4 comorbidities that just so happen to resemble autism when together. #but today especially made me go 'yeah maybe i have autism' cuz. ugh this is embarassing. #i got upset to the point of crying just cuz my family got me takeout that is almost entirely onions. which is a texture i cant stand. #cooked- raw- it doesnt matter. even seeing that many at once made me lose my appetite. just cuz of the texture i know it has. #i mean im also gonna be seen as ungrateful but. like. sorry: im not eating onions. wtf do they expect me to do. #but also. idt i could get enuff benefits for getting labelled as autistic for it to be worthwhile to seek out a diagnosis. #in fact. it could potentially ruin my career path cuz i wanna be a teacher and those checks can be extensive. so its like. #not to self diagnose but. whats the alternative solution that doesnt immediately put stigma on you. quickly. #... for reference i love the taste of onions. its just the texture.

[zebulontheplanet]

I think people are greatly misinterpreting my post about autism being watered down (click for link)

I am not at all saying that if you have autism then don’t identify as having autism. That isn’t what I’m saying. And for those who do, im sorry that you took it that way.

And for those of you who think my post is an attack on lsn autistics, then kindly reread my post and fuck the fuck off cause that is not at all what I am doing.

My post is talking about the people who are trying to turn autism into nothing but a social identity, and believe that it should be JUST an identity. I see countless times people saying that autism is “just a social construct” and people should identify with autism if they feel that that social identity fits them, instead of looking into the actual dsm5 and other sources to figure out if they’re actually autistic.

I’ve seen time and time again that people shouldn’t seek out diagnoses for autism because it’s just a social construct and “you don’t need a diagnosis” completely undermining the people who do need a diagnosis and steering people into the complete wrong direction if they feel like they need accommodations, help, support, etc.

This isn’t at all saying I don’t believe in self diagnosis, I do believe in it whole heartedly. But I don’t believe in people identifying as autistic because they simply “relate” to the quirky parts of it. You need a lot more than relation. You need to actually be it. Yes, you can absolutely relate to autistic traits, look into it and boom, realize you’re autistic. But people who simply relate to the quirky features and watered down features of autism are not helping anything with the newer stigmas of autism.

Autism has been watered down, and saying it hasnt is completely unacceptable. I get asks and comments weekly telling me that the way I experience autism isn’t autism because I experience it drastically different then the new “faces” of autism, which are primarily low support needs, late diagnosed people. That isn’t an attack on them! But I’ve talked endlessly about how the community can change and there’s no doubt about that. The community is being watered down. Autism is being watered down. They are forgetting those of us that have more profound autistic traits. It needs to stop, and we need to keep having serious discussions about it.

#zebrambles #autism #actually autism #actually autistic #higher support needs #low support needs #autistic traits #autistic #discourse

[snakeautistic]

One of the reasons I believed I couldn’t be autistic for so long was due to a fundamental misunderstanding of my social struggles. This being that I am not by any means incapable of memorizing social rules. Through observation and direction I can construct a broad framework of ‘socially acceptable or not.’ For example, I’m well aware that making physical contact with someone without consent isn’t acceptable. Or that stating blunt facts in a way that implicates someone negatively isn’t allowed. I know to avoid interrupting others if they’re already talking, to not walk away when I’m in the middle of a conversation. Crying, being unusually quiet and frowning indicates sadness. Someone smiling at laughing at what you’re saying means they probably are enjoying their time with you. An increase in speaking volume indicates excitement- either positive or negative. Sarcasm is often indicated by someone saying something absurd that you know they would never say, or you know to be factually wrong.

The fact that I had learned these broad rules made me think autism wasn’t a possibility for me. But being autistic doesn’t stop you from obtaining and applying information. (I mean that’s why so many interventions that ‘treat’ autism do result in the autistic person being able to pass as neurotypical.)

The difference comes from lacking the subconscious nuances and exceptions that come with those broader rules. For example- when is it okay to actually be honest? Some people will not be bothered by physical intimacy- but how would I know this? How can you tell if a group wants you to join in with their conversation? How to tell if this person is smiling and laughing politely or genuinely? How to tell if someone who you know very little about is being sarcastic?

There are not direct, easy to apply ‘rules’ for this, and yet clearly there are ‘right’ options. When the appropriate reaction must be determined by subtle body language or small shifts in tone of voice, ones that are near impossible to teach- I become completely lost.

That’s something I always find lacking with the general social skills advice given. It’s helpful to a point, but the truth is everyone is an individual. People express themselves differently, and react to your same actions differently due to past circumstances or temperaments. There is no one set of rules you can use for everyone, unfortunately. The majority of neurotypicals, while of course having miscommunications and the like, can rely on their subconscious to parse out any subtle changes they might need to make to their demeanor for a particular situation. My brain is much less adept at focusing down broader experience/rules into unique circumstances. (This is actually something that extends past social cues for me and I might make another post talking about it because I think it’s interesting)

Anyway rant over but yeah this was a huge mental barrier to seeking out a diagnosis for a while because at some level I ( ironically enough) took struggling to understand social cues too literally…

#actually autistic #autism #neurodivergent #neurodiversity #autistic #autistic things #autistic traits #autistic thoughts #low support needs #LSN autistic #social cues #socializing #social skills #asd #neurodivergence #autistic experiences #autism spectrum

[rosemow-ch]

Autism diagnosis

I got my official autism diagnosis!! I’m mostly happy, but the first few days I cried because, I’m 20, my first year of uni was one of the worst I had in my whole life, and that’s what made me finally seek it out, at the point of being mentally ill. I have no idea how to fix my relationships now, since my second year I started trying unmasking while feeling I was keeping a huge secret all the time, isolating me even more, since I couldn’t explain what I was doing.

The good part of this is I will no longer get the imposter syndrome I’ve been feeling for years, and I finally feel comfortable to participate in online autistic spaces. I no longer mask around my family, and the people I’ve pushed myself to write I got the diagnosis have reacted fine. I stim freely, I do my routines unbothered, and I no longer have to explain why I need to be alone for some hours every day.

I’m both excited and scared of how things will be now, next month I go back to uni. I know not everyone will understand it, and this doesn’t solve all my problems, but at least it’s an attempt to make my life a bit easier and better.

#actually autistic #autism #neurodivergent #disability #autism diagnosis #autistic #neurodiversity #disabled