#since idk when ill be able to use my computer again yet

[lopsidedtreetrunks]

Despite my back pain lately, I've managed to doodle a couple more Ghostalia character sheets! This time for Matthew and Antonio. When I'm able to actually sit down at my desk again I'll finish these digitally but for now, this is what I've got 😅

Matthew:

He's in Humphrey's role, meaning he's a Tudor nobleman living in his family estate with his arranged French wife who hates being there. I wanted him to still somehow be from Canada despite the nation of Canada not actually existing yet. Therefore I researched a bit and found that Newfoundland was being explored by the British (or at least, the Italian John Cabot went there under the order of King Henry VII) in the late 1400s, so I thought I'd go along with that. Having his parents settle in Newfoundland for the first few years of his life before coming back to England to inherit the estate.

He was still forced to marry Adélie (Monaco - in Sophie's role), but since everything is set roughly 40 years earlier than BBC Ghosts canon, the catholic plot didn't exist and, indeed, Elizabeth I wasn't even queen yet (but on a plus note, massive ruffs weren't quite in fashion yet, so I don't have to draw any heheh). Through a little bit more research, I discovered that Henry VIII declared war on France in 1544, which matches up more or less with my timeline. Adélie plotted against him for going to war with her country and this is what got Matthew killed in the same manner as Humphrey.

Originally, I was going to have him be unable to read because his body had his eyeglasses, but then I discovered that there were glasses in Tudor times that would pinch your nose in order to stay on your face without having to hold them up (I can't even imagine how uncomfortable that would be to wear for any reasonable amount of time 😭), so I thought he could have those instead.

Antonio:

He's in Pat's role, and I didn't really need to change all that much about him. I think Toni is the perfect person to be a scout leader so he just slots in really nicely! It's the 80's so I gave him a mullet (obviously). I was umming and ahhing about keeping Pat's moustache on him, and I've decided I think he suits it, as well as the aviators.

He was born and bred in Barcelona, and met Bella (Belgium - in Carol's role) when she was holidaying there in the mid-70s. He and his best mate Tiago (Portugal - in Morris' role) were at a disco/dance hall and met Bella and her friends; a holiday romance ensued. Which may have accidentally ended up with Bella pregnant with Toni's baby (oopsies). Antonio felt that this was a blessing in disguise (ever the optimist) and he proposed to her not long after she told him she was pregnant. Antonio ended up moving to England to be with her. Tiago would visit regularly, as well as them visiting him, but he ended up moving to England too a few years later.

Antonio was already a scout leader in Spain, so when he moved to England he naturally fell into place in the English scouting troupes. He's always been great with kids which was something Bella admired about him. Unfortunately, he died when his own son Marc (Luxembourg - in Daley's role) was only 8 years old.

#you can probably tell my back is affecting my art bc of how Shitty some of these doodles are bxjsjs #but im trying not to tell myself off for that 😅 #bbc ghosts #hetalia #aph #hws #ghostalia au #hws spain #hws canada #antonio fernandez carriedo #matthew williams #yes toni is doing the macarena and yes i KNOW thats a 90s thing but DO I CARE #the answer is yes but also i thought it was funny anyway 😭 #my need for things to be historically accurate will be the death of me someday 😭 #anyway i thought at least a couple of these doodles were cute enough to warrant posting them now #since idk when ill be able to use my computer again yet #hopfully soon - this bout of pain is slowly getting better but it still hurts a lot in certain positions #those positions beong hunched over a drawing tablet in a seat that has 0 back support bsbsjjs

[robinrequiems]

mmm more clishes.... Idk reverse background or personality kind of au? :/

ill do you one better 1 of my favorite mutual, reverse & personality au, they’re the same age bc I have a tiny idea *shy hands*

this is uh. a really long one thay started to lag my phone too

• oh god guys I got vivid memories of ra’s being a good grandfather and I can’t get it out of my head

• i hate it ur honor

• but ok. krypton didn’t get blown up, instead, they all migrated to earth, more specifically kansas.

• the kryptonians are angry and enraged, they are treated as if they are monsters when they arrived peacefully. they tried to kill them.

• so in return, the aliens killed the humans.

• they created a secret underground. that secret underground is to help aliens or meta humans and kill humans.

• all of them hated aliens and sought to destroy them. until kal el found a reporter trying to help aliens who were injured due to an explosion the government did to take out one of their bases.

• kal el.. fell in love with her. lois lane, she is an reporter fighting for alien rights.

• he met with her. in secret. and they.. had formed a connection. an amazing one.

• and then they had a baby.

• at the alien base, but.. she was human and people did not like that. so they wiped her mind and made her believe that they never had a kid. like the last few months.. wasnt real. she had gone missing those months since the aliens didn’t want her trying to hide the baby, they made her believe the last few months was spent in a coma and kal had found her and taken her to a hospital.

• he couldn’t see her anymore. he mourned for her lost presence, but they would have killed her if she stayed.

• but now they had precious jon el. he would be the highlight of their cause.

• they noticed his powers came in faster than kal’s, so they perfected his powers.

• he was going to bring humanity down on order of his grandfather, jor el

• kal saw his son break slowly. loses that childhood innocence that kal tried to maintain.

• his sons amazing bright blue eyes dulling, loses the spark that he cherished.

• kal was going to get him out of there, try to refuge the remaining childhood he had. even if it killed him.

—

• damian wayne! the bright bubbly and prodigal son of bruce and talia wayne ( b & t are married, suck my— ). the press loved him, he was just.. him. he was the baby and was cute, the cutest ever

• he was an expert in martial arts due to the training his grandfather, father, mother, & so much more gave him

• ra’s owns a farm. he’s.. sorry all i get is farm ra’s vibes due to.. something:) think endgame thanos, yk?

• he was the baby robin, one that you never messed with due to the herd of heroes who would come save him

—

• kalel left jon with Lois, a brief note explaining the current situation

• it was weird, jon was ten and was meeting lois for the first time

“Hi, honey.. I’m lois.”

“I know.. Dad told me about you.”

“Oh.. right. What do you want for dinner?”

“I’m not hungry.”

“You have to eat.”

“No! I’m not hungry!”

• an explosive, superpower alien. Lois is way out of her head.

• he had outbursts, a lot of them. it was hard, really hard for Lois; she took some time off from the planet and focused on jon

• he broke a lot of stuff. he sometimes could not control his strength, but she was working with him

• but then one night he ran away, or flew away. he felt remorse for making Lois cry. she saw this as a win, but she lost her kid

• but then a little robin found him

“Um. Are you okay?”

“Huh-what- what do you want? Why are you talking to me?”

“Because you look sad? Yknow - hugs make people feel better. My ahki ( brother ) hugs me when I’m upset and it makes me feel better.”

“Don’t touch me.”

*Damian walked to him, smiling softly* “cmon, i won’t hurt you, silly. I’m robin.”

“A bird?”

“Haha- no, a vigilante- i sorta snuck out. My family can be a bit overbearing- and I sorta embarrassed myself at this theater thing.. some person—“

“Did I ask?”

“No.. sorry.”

“Hey— what are you doing - !”

“Hugging you.”

Jon won’t admit that he likes it, it’s different and weird, like this traffic cone in front of him. Jon pushed him off though, making himself stumble and fall on his ass.

“Ow..”

“Don’t touch me.” With rhat, Jon flew off into the night. Damian didn’t know who this boy was. But he intended on finding out. Even if it killed him. ( maybe not that extreme, but- )

• look damian was smart, right? smarter than average, and smarter than everyone in his school. teachers included ( ha ha )

• so he had to find this boy! so he started looking into aliens. until his family put an end to it

“Damian, this is dangerous.”

“But baba ( dad )”

“No. Go to your room.”

“Ugh!”

• he did slam his door shut if you were wondering

• he will find the mysterious alien boy, okay? he will!

• his brothers teased him and said he had a crush

• no he didn’t! the boy was really mean, he pushed damian- why would he do that? whatta jerk!

• but damian did find him again when he ventured off to metropolis to visit an old friend, colin.

“Alien boy!”

“That’s not my name, bird boy.”

“And that’s not mine. You didn’t tell me yours!”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“It’s safer for you.”

“I can defend myself. You sound so silly, please tell me your name?”

“No.”

“‘Least the first initial?”

“Fine. J.”

“J it is.”

“Yours?”

“Wha- what? I told you my code named.”

“It’s only fair.”

“.. Okay. D.”

“D. Okay.”

• damian talked to him for a bit before jon did fly off when damian was talking about the stars, damian knew he was getting closer to him

• but he got grounded. whoops. he wasn’t supposed to go out

“Give me your phone, Damian.”

“What if I go out? I need a phone, baba.”

“I.. Your computer”

“School work.”

“Switch.”

“What! No- but-!”

“Damian.”

• yeah damian was very mad, but what made him madder was that apparently, his family was listening to the secret conversations between J and him. but d didn’t know that yet..

• his family needed to track down J, they didn’t care if people were aliens, the JL had aliens.. but they had no idea who this boy was, and the way damian was looking into the underground alien sanctuary, that worried rhem. Damian was smart and cunning, but he is able to portray an innocent persona, they all had the habit of undermining his intellect, so if damian began looking into this, it was for a reason

—

• jon found that D rambled. A lot. Even when jon didn’t respond. Jon doesn’t even know how D always found where he was. It’s so weird.

• but Lois noticed a change in jon.. he was. calmer. she didn’t know how, but when he went out, he came back calmer.

“I have to go to Gotham for a gala hosted by Bruce Wayne, would you.. like to come?”

“Do you want me to?”

“I’d like you to, but you don’t have to.”

“.. Fine.”

—

• lois walked to bruce with Jon in tow.

• “bruce.” “Lois, looking lovely as always.. who is this?” “Jon, my son. Say hi, Jon.” “Hi..” “He can hang around one of my sons— Damian, if you want? I’m sure him and his friends would love to have Jon around.” “What do you say Jon? Would you like that?” “Not really..” “I assume you, Damian doesn’t bite. Not anymore. And he’s pretty accepting.” “.. Fine.”

• damian was called over by his father and he did a double take. J. Was here. In front of him. Damian just internally shrugged and held a hand out, “Hi! I’m Damian! Wanna go play with my friends! there’s a game room so we don’t have to be with the gross adults.. you can also just.. sit there. My friends are pretty.. Loud?” “Okay.”

• jon had to take his hand back from damian since damian began eagerly tugging him.

“Damian seems to be accepting him pretty easily.” “I hope they can be friends, Jon.. doesn’t have any. I have only recently got him from his.. father.” “Odd, does he go to school?” “No, not yet, I’m still trying to get him adjusted.” “Ah.. Damian goes to West-Reeves. Maybe he could go there?” “That private school? Bruce.. I cannot afford that- not all of us are millionaires.” “Mhm.. I could pay.” “I can’t let you do that.” “He could get a scholarship.” “In what?” “Academics or athletics.” “Ill.. Talk to him about it. “ “well, ms lane, I just go talk with potential partners, I’ll see you later.”

—

• j got accepted into west reeves under a athletic thingy.

• that was cool. they became best friends!

• sorta

• flashforward 5 years to 15, their dynamic only grew. Damian told Jon his identity, jon didn’t become a hero, but did learn how to stitch damian up because tje idiot showed up bleeding a lot.

• everything was going great

On the phone, Damian: J! J! Guess what’

J: you’re so loud, D, what?

D: I got the lead! In the play!

J: no fucking way?

D: way!

J: Good j—— *crash*

D: J-?

D: J- Jonathan?

D: oh no.

• the call was ended abruptly. Jon always finished his sentences. Something was wrong. Something was really wrong.

• so damian called Lois quickly and ran downstairs to the batcave, lois wasn’t picking up either, she normally always picked up or at least sent a text. She did neither

“Baba!”

“Damian? You should be asleep.”

“Something’s wrong! Somethings really wrong!”

“Jon and Lois- Jon- I heard a crash- and- and”

“Habibi.”

“Mama?”

“Breathe; tell me what’s wrong.”

“I was on a call with Jon.. I told him about the play since I wanted him to go and stuff. Then I heard a crash. And then the line went dead. I’m scared— what if something happened!”

“Let’s not jump to conclusions, what happened with Lois?”

“She didn’t pick up the phone— she normally does! Or she texts me and says she will call back!”

“Maybe she is asleep.”

“No! You need to believe me!”

“Damian, calm down, I do, we will go to see if they’re okay, you get back to bed.”

“No. I’m coming with.”

“No you arent.”

“But!”

“Listen to your father.”

• okay fine. He’ll listen, damian went back up to his room for half an hour before calling his friends to do a rescue mission. He had an extra suit in his room, he can do this.

• with his team, it consisted of shazam, abuse, nobody, and green lantern, himself too, of course.

• captain marvel picked him up once he was ready and they met up with the other 3.

Maya: you said he’s in trouble?

Dami: Yes.

Colin: than let’s go save him!

• they went and saved the bestie, nearly got killed too

• oh and now damians sorta probably grounded when batman shows up 🤡

J:You came for me..?

D:We all did.. why are you so surprised?

J: * wraps his arms around damian * thank you

D: i- yeah.. anytime. what’re friends for?

• friends. Jon liked that. Jon also liked the way Damian’s cheeks went red when jon hugged him

• jon knew he chuckled before Damian’s arms wrapped around him. hard. Damian was a hard hugger

• jon became a superhero at 16. Damian had even more of a reason to sneak into his window every night now! Lois had began thinking the two were dating

D: Us? Dating? Please! He is way too good for me!

J:

L: awwww, gosh, how haven’t you been swept off your feet yet?

J: he has, but he has rejected them all

D: what can I say? I’m a gay theater kid ( this is a /j i promise a big big joke ) so they gotta be dramatic enough to put up with me, AND they need to do something big and bold to actually catch my eye

L: *laughs* take notes, jon

J: mom!

• jon has gone to a few of Damian’s plays and to dress rehearsals

• he was also there to watch damian wreck a car during his drivers test

D: there was a fricking squirrel there, J!

J: are you sure? maybe you’re just a shitty driver?

D: you’re a shitty driver!

J: cmon don’t pout

D: ‘m not!

• he was pouting. oopsie. jon did get him ice cream after

• jon goes by abnormal, because he’s an alien and because I don’t have any other ideas

J: this girl asked me out

M: oh? who! tell us!

D: ..what?

J: yeah, in my physics class

T: ooh! get it, jonno

M: give us a name, coward!

J: her name is Charlotte— but she goes by charlie. she’s.. different. red head. pretty freckles—

M: pretty freckles? does Jonny have a crush?! Oh my gosh, our sons growing up, Tai!

T: im about to start sobbing

J: fuck offff— D?

D: huh?

J: you’re being quiet, you plotting??

D: uh. yeah! duh- *he nudged jons shoulder with his, forcing a grin* figuring out ways to embarrass you in front of your girlfriend.

J: sucha brat- * jon ended up putting Damian into a playfully chokehold *

• damian just played along. he just smiled and watched as jon began walking with her instead of their friend group

M: hey- kid- you alright?

D: I’m onto a year younger than you Maya.

M: tou didn’t answer the question

D: I’m fine, why wouldn’t I be? You’re silly.

• tai ended up pulling him aside

T: when are you going to tell him?

D: how am I supposed to when he basically has a girlfriend now?

T: are you just gonna sit there and pine all day??

D: yes, thank you for understanding

• he’s a stubborn little shit and will absolutely not confess, his best friend is happy, who is he to ruin that?

T: he’s totally jealous.

J: so- do you- do you think it’ll work? That he’ll be surprised?

T: totally

J: thank you for lending me your girlfriend, Maya

M: anytime- not literally- you aren’t having her again

• this was all a trick, sorry, d.. jon does like you

• ( hope you all saw that foreshadowing earlier :) )

• damian needed big and dramatic. jon was gonna do that. even if he was uh. sorta aloof and shy.

• he learned how to sing and play the guitar for Damian. maya and tai were gonna scatter flower petals onto the floor for Damian to follow ( they will tell him too too )

• the whole school will probably watch as Damian finally gets a big dramatic proposal

• damian will love it

M: just follow the petals!

D: I’m confused

M: trust us

• damian did and followed the petals and low and behold, jon kent with a guitar and small smile

D: j-jon?

J: hey. I wrote you a song

D: no you didn’t

J: shut up and listen dumbass

*after that amazing song of how Jon asked damian out to homecoming*

D: that was amazing

J: dramatic enough for you?

D: YES! ( damian went and sprinted to jon, hugging him so tightly before leaning in to kiss him ) we are boyfriends now right

J: yeah, idiot

D: ur the idiot

• I can’t add anymore because myphones really laggy, I hope you enjot

#cliche asks #jondami #damijon #personality swap #Damian wayne #Jon kent #background swap

[rivkahstudies]

Hi, i've been having big troubles with wanting to be better at academia and stuff but im not really sure how to get started... i sorta feel like an imposter a lot but im trying to not let it affect me but sometimes i just have moments of excruciating executive dysfunction where i can't move because I want to do so many things and my body is fighting against me... Idk if i even have a question really but it feels better to tell you this... i really look up you a lot and have for a long time...

Hi nonnie! It’s incredibly brave of you to drop this in my inbox. Yes, even anonymously. It takes a lot to even type that kind of honesty out. So thank you, and I hope you take a moment to thank yourself.

Secondly, thank you for touching my heart by your kind words. I hope you realize as you look up to me that I have the same kind of feelings, as do many studyblrs–and I’m dedicated to being honest about it so you don’t feel as if you have to live up to a perfect (and impossible, and fake) standard. I go to therapy regularly despite being in a lot better place than I used to be, because it’s almost like going for a mental check-up or gym session, and my therapist helps me sort through even tiny things so I can build better habits and mindsets. But I still remember feelings of dysfunction well, and I still battle with imposter syndrome!

The most important key ideas here are attainable goals and self talk. Both of these ideas don’t come easily, they do take work, but they’re tools that make other difficult things easier over time, with persistence.

When your body is fighting you (and really, more than anything with executive dysfunction, your mind is fighting you and making your body less functional), even baby steps can be difficult. For you, it could be anything from exercising to studying to eating to showering. Big or small, it’s totally valid that you may or may not struggle with it, and it doesn’t make you desperate for attention, or fake, or pathetic.

Let’s take your desire to “get better at academia.” That could mean a lot of things, so I’m going to latch onto one facet of it as an example. If it doesn’t apply with that exact example, that’s completely okay! Just alter it to apply to what you are struggling with, or desiring.

1. Big, abstract goal: to get better at academia

2. What that means (for this example): developing better study habits

3. What kind of things constitute that? That’s still a big, abstract goal that sounds quite formidable and unattainable. List out as many things as you can that you are striving to do or would want to try. Not everything might work for you!

Managing time better

scheduling study time

being accountable via apps or with family/friends

being efficient or effective (i.e. not getting distracted 

Finding study habits that work for you and for the class’ requirements

flashcards

typed computer notes

handwritten computer notes

handwritten paper notes

infographics

youtube videos

interactive online exercises

conversations with classmates, tutors, or professors

podcasts

mind maps

journal entries

presentations

self-made study guides

practice tests (self-made or provided, online or on paper)

Feynman’s technique–writing a summary of what you’re studying, and then comparing it to the actual material. Whatever is missing is what you need to focus on, because my mantra is that it will always appear on the test.

ranking the subjects or topics by what you know most to least and studying from the bottom up. I can post a more detailed guide to this if you want! just hit me up again.

Also changing the way you treat and care for yourself

setting a stable routine

eating better (this means different things for different people–maybe you need more Vitamin C, so you should focus on more fruits in your diet, or iron, so vegetables, etc… consult with a doctor or registered dietician, not a nutritionist since they don’t have to have a degree or certification)

going to bed at a routine time

if you have to choose one, make the wake up time set. that way, if you do go to bed late but wake up at that time, it’ll reset your body clock to be sleepier earlier the next day. it’ll eventually even itself out. 

drinking more water

setting up or revising your skin care routine

taking measured and unmeasured breaks away from studying to allow the information to set in your brain and to give your mind and body a much-needed reprieve

setting limits on how much screentime you want yourself to add

Self-talk

This is the big one I want to impart on you before this post is over.

You can’t just try to implement these better habits. You also have to focus on what you’re thinking when you’re doing or not doing them, and how you’re psychologically treating yourself. This isn’t easy! It takes a lot of time. And that’s okay. You aren’t going to be free of this stuff overnight. I’ve been working on this stuff actively since I was about 17 and I’m still struggling with it. But I’m also much better at addressing it than I was almost three years ago.

Be aware

Recognize when you’re treating yourself harshly. Acknowledge those times you say “I’m not good enough” in the very back of your mind. Because a lot of times we aren’t even fully conscious of how much we say “I hate myself” or “I’m stupid” or “I can’t do this.”

Once you’ve done that, start calling attention to it.

Hold yourself accountable. If this were someone hurting a friend of yours, you would likely be calling them out for the whole world to know their cruel behavior isn’t acceptable. It’s the same thing for yourself! Those awful thoughts in your brain might live there from self-doubt, mental illness, or other reasons, but you do get to decide if they pilot your actions and your mentality, even if they’re whispering awful things about how you don’t have a choice but letting them be in control. 

I will freely admit on here that I’m attending therapy, because I seek to destigmatize it. I’m not at rock bottom. I’m not pathetic. I just noticed some things about me that I need to change, heal, and/or improve, and I wanted a professional to help me! Much like if I sprained my ankle or got a cold and needed to see a doctor. And one of the things that my therapist told me was as much as my anxiety felt debilitating, I am the one piloting my body and I am the one who gets to decide whether my self-talk is going to change.

And do it gently.

Not “you’re an awful person for saying these things about yourself.” You don’t solve bullying with bullying, and you definitely don’t solve putting yourself down or feeling like an imposter but doing more of the same. Instead, show compassion to yourself. 

Have a conversation with yourself.

“Why do I feel like this?” 

“Where is this coming from?”

“What makes me say that?” 

“What can I say instead?”

“What would make me feel better?”

“What could change my mindset about this problem?”

The choice is up to you how you do it. But pretend you’re pulling someone who is misbehaving or acting cruel aside, and instead of reprimanding them, you just gently put your hand on their shoulder and say, “I’m here. What’s going on? What’s causing this behavior?”

Do the same exact thing with yourself! Offer that compassionate hand. If you’re anything like me, your imposter system is probably coming from undue pressure on yourself, self-doubt, previous bad experiences, fear of failure or rejection, insecurity, anxiety, or any number of other things that could make you doubt your beauty, your talent, your work ethic, your ability to succeed.

And a lot more people have it than you think! Just don’t compare yourself to others when, even if you know them well, you can’t know them 100%. I’m sharing my experiences because I want you to know that you’re not alone. And I also want you to know that you can only fix yourself, you can only control yourself, and the same goes for others–they have no business (and probably aren’t thinking of having any business) judging you or controlling you. If they are, screw them. Your job is to take care of and focus on yourself.

Once you know where it’s coming from, start substituting the language.

You can’t do this. “You may not be able to do this yet, but with some effort, you’ll be able to–or, you’ll be close to being able to.”

You’re a failure. “Everyone makes mistakes or fails. It doesn’t define you.”

It was just luck that got you this far. “It was hard work, passion, and effort. Keep hanging onto those things.”

You’re not good enough. “You are enough, and you don’t exist for others. You exist for yourself.”

People will get bored of you. “You don’t exist to entertain or please others.”

There’s a million more I could go through, but hopefully these examples are enough for you to apply it to your own doubts.

This might be a good exercise to journal. Because then you actually have to get the thoughts out instead of them staying scrambled in your brain. Feel free to do a bulleted guide for yourself like this one!

Etc, etc, etc… Any one of these single bullets could be an entirely distinct post, but I hope this is enough to start you off, nonnie. I want to apologize for taking my sweet time responding, but I really hope you’re still out there, somewhere on tumblr, and you see this post. You are loved, nonnie, especially by me, and I’m always here if you need something. If you message me again, call yourself something, like “self talk nonnie,” so I know I’m still talking to you.

You are all loved! You are all enough! You are all valuable and beautiful as long as you stay true to yourselves.

#anonymous #rivkah answers #my advice #executive dysfunction #studying with mental illness #imposter syndrome #mental illness #studying #student #studyblr

[klinejack]

i was tagged by @clarz YAY thank you i love answering random personal questions :)) let’s see how i do, here we go

name: divvy

star sign: is that? astrology? gemini??? (if it wasn’t obvious)

height: 5′4

put your itunes (or spotify) on shuffle and list the first 4 songs that come up:

aaaahh sorry i don’t have either. itunes is an asshole and many years ago erased my whole library on an update and i’ve never used it again, the bitch. it’s radio or bust baby (and if i’m not in the car my tv is on, and if i’m not in front of the tv, i’m listening to the sounds of the street while reading fic- can’t really concentrate with music on). 99.9 the buzz is my fave channel, and when the quebec airwaves are bein bitchy i listen to chom 97.7 the only decent station in this city. if u wanna know my kinda music just visit their websites i guess? im not able to link them for some reason :(

ever had a poem or a song written about you?

don’t think so, but my 8th grade boyfriend once wrote me a love letter, which i still have... does that count? (not the same love letter as the camp boyfriend, that was cuter cuz i actually liked him back- then again i was 10 so what did i know)

when was the last time you played guitar?

UGh calling me out. it’s been a while. i don’t think i’ve played since i moved into my new place, so probably at least a few months.

who is your celebrity crush?

hopefully everyone can guess this one... in case you didn’t know, one half of my brain is occupied by tpose, the other half by dobs, and their tongues battle for dominance of my dreams a;ldjkljfghkjfdks shut me UP right now

what’s a sound you hate? what’s a sound you love?

i absolutely cannot STAND hearing people chew their food. specifically crunching. it makes me want to rip out my teeth. i frequently have to change the channel at chip commercials and other such nonsense. also swallowing is annoying, but not as bad as the crunching.

i love the sound of ... umm.... ???? i guess i like hearing rain and/or thunderstorms if i know i don’t have to go anywhere... but who doesn’t right? OH i like the sound of sand and like.. grainy things that slide, like in an hourglass, or like those needle things that mold to your hand when you turn it upside down?? you know the thing???? loud rushing sounds i guess. rain sticks are cool.

do you believe in ghosts?

yeap. been waiting my whole life to meet one.

how about aliens?

i mean, like clara basically said, if you aren’t at least open to the idea of life somewhere else in this infinite universe (and all the other potential universes), you’re kinda kidding yourself. but yea, visitors? not so sure. i used to love watching and reading all kinda shit about that but i kinda grew out of it (still love roswell tho ;)

do you drive?

hell. fucken. yeah. i drive. it’s one of my favorite things ever in the world. I AM SO THANKFUL THAT I GET TO DRIVE.

what was the last book you read?

oooooh shit i was afraid of this question. it’s been too long :( can i say the bible? a;ljkfljhkfdsk i really have no idea, i only read fanfic and lc/jaime now

do you like the smell of gasoline?

GOD no. gross. and i once spilled it all over my arm because i didn’t realize i was pressing down on the handle while i pulled it out of the ... gas.. thingy.. container thing (to be fair it was my first time pumping gas ever)

what’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

i was just sayin today how i’ve never been seriously injured or ill and like, both my sisters have both had serious problems in the past. i’ve really barely ever been injured, maybe i’ve had sprains or strains from sports when i was a kid, but never broken a thing. when i was about 5 i was hospitalized for a little while from a virus, but it wasn’t serious. that’s all i can think of.

do you have any obsessions right now?

UMMMM idk if it counts anymore but im still obsessed with giffing and teen wolf and skittles, probably always will be and i have no regrets.. yet. currently i am sweetly drowning in the writings of @volatilehearted and @goingtosave who are quickly carving out a startlingly large piece of my heart and they HAD BETTER BE CAREFUL WITH IT but i trust them with my life.

do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

absolutely. i still have no idea how to not do that. i have no idea how to not WANT to do that. it is a problem. unless of course they try to resolve the wrong, or make up for it, but of course they usually could care less so.. grudge-brewing goodness right there.

in a relationship?

with my computer. it’s a hate hate thing. you understand.

tagging anyone who wants to do this!!! tag me back i’d be so happy to read :)

#clarz #thanks for tagging me!! #tagging games #personal info #personal

[canaryatlaw]

alright. it’s 9 pm here. I’m obviously trying to get to bed early since I have to wake up at 5:30 am and go take the fucking bar exam. Predictably, I’m a ball of nerves right now. But I’ll be fine, I always am. I’m good at tests, it’s easy for me to recall information, and though essays always give me anxiety initially once I get there and start writing them I actually like them, and tomorrow is all essays. 10 of them total. 1 where they give you a whole packet including law in the jurisdiction and write your analysis totally from that, which will probably be the best one for me. Then there are 3 Illinois specific essays and 6 multistate essays. it’s a lot. but anyway, today. I did get up when my alarm went off at 10 because I didn’t want to sleep in too long and not be able to fall asleep tonight. I had decided I would skip showering this morning and shower tonight so I wouldn’t have to shower tomorrow morning, but upon waking up I found I really wanted to shower, so I did, and now it’s night and I really want to shower again lol but I won’t and I’ll do it after I get back tomorrow. So, woke up, showered, made oatmeal which only resulted in one kitchen disaster (I was trying to get the brown sugar to go into the pot a little at a time but then it shifted and all of my brown sugar was now liquified in my pot, so that was fun) and was looking on my computer for stuff when I saw an email from the health insurance company that does our prescriptions, upon which I remembered oh fuck, I need to call my doctors office like today and get this figured out. Basically, I was at the doctor like two weeks ago, and they gave me the prescriptions, which I mailed onto the health insurance company I referenced above, but they haven’t sent me the meds yet, and I’m running out of one of them, and I was set to run out Wednesday afternoon, and I wouldn’t be able to do anything about that until like, Wednesday evening, so I needed to call my doctor’s office and ask them to call in an emergency supply for like two days, and like, I love my psychiatrist so much he’s great and I wouldn’t trade him for the world, but god I have his receptionist staff so much. Whenever I call for anything it turns into such a production, at least this time they didn’t tell me he can’t call in prescriptions to Illinois like he does every time I call, but they had me call the insurance company to find out when the meds would get to me so they could then give me enough of the meds, and the insurance company people said it’s set to come on Wednesday in the mail but like if that didn’t happen I would’ve been screwed so they called in like 2 days emergency supply of it but I don’t actually take it at the dosage he prescribes so I have more than 2 days worth lol but I don’t expect to need to use them, I’m just glad I’m covered. but yeah, I did other things around the house and started getting ready for a bit, then took an uber to target that was somehow like $2 because of some promotion they were running, and grabbed the prescription plus some candy because I needed candy to bring with me here. I have pretzels and potato chips, various candies, granola bars, and these microwave muffin things that has the dry mix in a little cup and you add water and microwave it and it’s like this awesome chocolate muffin, which are super good except you have to be really careful to get all of the mix wet or at the bottom it gets grainy and really gross but otherwise it’s good lol. I also have some of the Starbucks via refresher packs that I’m gonna add to a water bottle tonight and stick it in the fridge so it’ll be good to go in the morning because that’s my method of getting caffeine, which will obviously be much needed. I ubered back from target but it took forever to get to me which was obnoxious, but oh well. I continued getting ready and eventually didn’t have much else to do, so I just kinda hung out for a bit. The school bar people told us not to study today because we wouldn’t remember anything anyway, but like, I know that’s not true for me lol so I did a little. The hotel didn’t have check in till 4 so I was basically just killing time at this point. When we eventually got there I got yet another uber, but I put it on pool and nobody ended up joining so I only paid $10 for the same ride I would’ve had to pay $24 for (#winning). The hotel is kinda small, but it’s nice, the bigger hotel that’s actually at one of the test sites (not the one I got assigned to regardless) but all their rooms were booked because I had to book late since we didn’t know which bar I was taking for like, fucking ever. But yeah, I checked in, easy enough, came upstairs and settled in a bit, figured out how to get the wifi to work and turned on the tv then subsequently broke the tv and had to figure out how to make it work again. I ordered pizza from the same chain place I normally get it from except this was different and I didn’t really like it very much, idk what the difference was but it just wasn’t doing it for me, plus my tongue was being really obnoxiously sensitive so I really couldn’t eat anything other than like, the crust, so that was also irritating. But I sat here on my computer and looked over the mini-outline book (and by mini I mean some of them are like 70 pages). It’s funny to look over the secured transactions material, because at the end of the semester I already had the bar books and used them to study because they had a comprehensive summary of everything I needed to learn, I actually printed one and brought it with me to the test (which was open book, obviously) and it was very helpful and I somehow got an A- in that class that I had no idea what was going on in for a solid 5/6ths of the semester, and when I listened to that lecture yesterday I retained a good amount of it, so I was happy about that. But I went through the ancillary subject outlines that were generally more like 20 pages, so much more manageable, and made sure I had all my mnemonics down, including the one for the hearsay exceptions which is like, 20 letters long lol. I then did go over the Illinois distinction section for the main subjects, because if I get an essay on one of those in the Illinois part I obviously have to answer under Illinois law. I watched the office on comedy central while doing all of this because I couldn’t find the channel guide and the office is always a solid choice. It’s funny to see Ellie Kemper as Erin because she looks so little there as compared to how she is on Kimmy Schmidt now. but those were very entertaining. So I got to the end of the outlines, turned off the tv, took my pills so there would be a little time for the more sleep causing ones to kick in, then started writing this, and now here we are. I have a lot of mixed feelings about everything going on tomorrow. I know I’m smart, that’s never been in question, I’m just worried I didn’t spend enough time preparing and I feel ill-equipped, because it’s just so much information....like you could get a question on the lesson from one day of class, for all of your classes, for three years. it’s a massive amount of information. I’ve also been acutely aware of just how alone I am. My brother never moved out, so he was with my parents every step of the way through this, but I chose to stay out here and do it myself because that’s always been who I am, the independent one who can’t wait to get out into the world. And I’m here, but it gets lonely some times, especially being that I’m super-extroverted so not being around people for this whole studying period was not doing well for me (one of many reasons I was all to eager to get ice cream whenever Jess wanted to). Even now, it’s just me here. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a hotel room completely by myself before, except for that awful night when I got stranded overnight in Philadelphia and had to go to that awful creepy hotel where I didn’t sleep a wink, just stayed up reading, because I did not feel safe at all (and I was only 19) but obviously this is a very different situation. And I mean, I am more or less a proper adult now, I’m 26, which feels like ages older than 25, because now I’m in my late 20s, and I don’t know how I feel about all of that. I mean, these are all choices I made, and they’re not ones I regret, not at this point at least. It would’ve been nice to have someone here with me, but I made the decision to leave those people in New York and come out here and do it myself, and I am doing it. I want my legal career to be about the things I did, the prestige I brought to my name, not following in the shadows of my dad and brother, I want that name to be known for me and what I’ve done, what I will do. And I know I can do it. Got all the way through law school, this is just one more hurdle I gotta jump over before I can actually be a full blown lawyer. I don’t know if my parents are gonna come for the swearing in, it hasn’t come up yet, I mean it would be nice to have them there just because I would feel very, very lonely if I was all by myself surrounded by people who had their families there with them.....because they didn’t move halfway across the country from their families. Sigh, I know I’m rambling at this point. Just a lot on my mind. But tomorrow I’m going to wake up confident and ready to crush this test, because I know I can do it, I KNOW I can, and I will, and I’m going to be a total kickass lawyer who is instrumental in instituting reforms in the child welfare system that will increase adoptions, decrease foster kids getting bounced between homes, better prevent kids from being brought into foster care when it is preventable by providing parents with the right resources, better support to keep foster teens in high school and bridge them into college (the college rate for foster care kids is something dismal like 2%, not even exaggerating), decrease the number of children in residential facilities who do not really need to be there, increase the number of foster homes nationwide, provide resources for the teenage mothers in the system so they don’t end up having their child taken from them and continue perpetuating the cycle, and so many more, I could go on all day about all the things I’m going to change. And I’m going to do it. I know I can, so I will. 

Just you wait. 

Goodnight babes. If you want to send prayers/good vibes/whatever my way for tomorrow, it’d be much appreciated. Thank you. ❤️

#daily journal #July 2018 #Rachel's lawyer adventures

[vitki-x-visindi-blog]

Allow Me To Introduce Myself

I’m not really good at talking about myself unless prompted, so I’m just snagging a Bio Template and a Questionnaire and filling it out. I might add to it, IDK. I know you’re supposed to be asked these and then answer, but I don’t have any followers, soooo... BASIC INFORMATION Full name: Nah. Call me Vitki. It kinda means something like “shaman” in old Norse. Visindi means “knowledge”, which I’m always after. I love learning things. Pronunciation: “Vit-kee” “Vis-IN-dee” Nickname(s) or Alias: I haven’t chosen a male name yet, so we’ll stick with Vitki or V. Gender: FtM. If you have a problem with that, I suggest you move on, or “DNI”, as the kids say. Species: Age: 28... I think? Birthday: 9/24 Sexuality: How do you get the eggplant emoji when you’re on the computer... Nationality: Idk. I’m a whole jumble of things. I look like your typical white American, though. Religion: I don’t even know. I think the best way to put it is Atheistic Asataru Shamanism... I’m still figuring myself out. Place of birth: South Carolina. Current Resident: Indiana. Languages: English. I know. I’m mundane and sad. I want to learn another language, though. I just don’t have a way to take classes or anything. Relationship Status: Married PHYSICAL APPEARANCE Height: 5ft 3in Weight: 180lbs. Yeah, I’m chubby. I don’t have the motivation to do anything about it, though. I do have a goal, btw. I swear I’ll never crack 200lbs. Hair Colour: Black, usually Hairstyle: Short, messy Facial Hairstyle: Clean, right now. I haven’t transitioned, so I really can’t do anything about that. Eye Colour: Brown Tattoos: None yet, unfortunately, Piercings: Ears HEALTH Smoker? Nope. Never. Drinker? RARELY. I can’t really handle the smell of alcohol, so I kind of avoid it unless I feel like I NEED to get a little drunk. Even then, I really only drink Mike’s Hard Lemonade and shit like that. Recreational Drug User? Which? No. And I would ONLY consider cannabis. First off, though, it’s illegal. I wouldn’t have a problem with it if it was legal, and I do wish it was so cops could focus on shit that needs to be dealt with. Smoking anything just doesn’t appeal to me. Addictions: None that I can think of. Allergies: None that I know of. Any physical ailments/illnesses/disabilities: I am SUPER. FUCKING. BLIND. Without my contacts. And I get worse every year. I’m really terrified of getting so bad that contacts and glasses can’t fix it. PERSONALITY Personality: Likes: Dislikes: Fears/phobias: Talents/skills: EATING HABITS Omnivore/Carnivore/Herbivore:  Favourite food(s): Favourite drink(s): Disliked food(s):  Disliked drink(s):  HOUSE AND HOME Favourite type of house/home:  Do you share their home with anyone? Who?  Significant/special belongings:  CAREER Level of education:  Current job title and description:  FAMILY, FRIENDS AND FOES Parents names: Are parents alive or dead?  Still in contact with your parents?  Siblings? Relationship with siblings?  Other Important Relatives: Partner/Spouse:  Children:  Best Friend:  Other Important Friends:  Pets:  50,000 Questions 1. What’s your favourite colour? Icy blue. It used to be red, maroon, or terra cotta, but my personality has kind of... calmed down since then, I guess. That doesn’t mean I don’t still get mad, though.

2. What’s your favourite movie? Forever Lion King. I do really like other movies, but if I had to watch only one for the rest of my life, it would have to be Lion King.

3. What’s your favourite book? I don’t really have a favourite book. I really like a few different series, though. Harry Potter is a big one, but I really like Guardians of Ga’Hoole as well. I feel like it doesn’t get the recognition it deserves because the movie didn’t give it justice (even if it was really good on its own). I also used to be REALLY in to Warriors, but I’ve kind of resented the Erins ever since the “bad kid atheists” arc. Don’t even get me started on that.

4. What’s your favourite kind of food? Italian, I think. I’m super, ungodly picky, but I feel like a lot of the food I can eat is used in Italian food a lot.

5. What's your favourite kind of weather? Storms. Precipitation. Rain, sleet, hail, snow, anything. Also heat storms are nice.

6. What’s your favourite season? It’s between Autumn and Winter. Really, just the 6 months out of the year that aren’t sweltering hot. I hate heat.

7. Have you ever been in love? Well, I’m married, so I’d have to say yes.

8. What’s your favourite animal? Don’t ask me that. It all depends on my mood at the time.

9. Favourite thing about where you live? It’s a little bigger than a town and a helovalot smaller than a city, but it’s close enough to where the interesting places aren’t a day’s drive away.

10. Have you ever been overseas? No. The closest I can say is I lived in Hawaii for three years, but that doesn’t really count.

11. What’s your favourite place in the whole world? Any place that doesn’t have people in it.

12. What’s your favourite kind of music? I’m not too certain, really. My taste is kind of eclectic. I grew up on country, so of course I hate it now. I like Evanescence, Linkin Park, Five Finger Death Punch, Disturbed, Three Days Grace, Nickleback (I know), Seether, Eminem, Korn, and certain songs from certain bands, but not the band itself. I honestly really love pagan-style bands like Omnia, Faun, and others.

13. Where would you like to visit? Anywhere in the UK or thereabouts, really. England, Scotland, Ireland, Norway, etc.

14. Biggest fears? My biggest fears have always been giving birth and having my spine messed with. I’ve done both twice, so I’m good. Mostly I’m just afraid we’re never going to be able to live in our own house, which isn’t the end of the world, really.

15. Do you believe in the paranormal? I don’t know. There’s things I’d really LIKE to believe in, but once you’re an atheist and a skeptic, it’s REALLY hard to believe in anything that can’t be proven logically.

16. What’s your star sign? Libra... Or Virgo, if you add that weird 13th zodiac...

17. Favourite sport? I actually hate sports. But I do respect the old ones like soccer (the rest of the world’s football) and tennis. I don’t follow any team for anything, but if I absolutely had to watch one for the rest of my life, it would probably be UFC or Hockey. They’re just fun to watch.

18. Do you collect anything? Animal figurines, when I can... There’s other things I’d like to collect, but I don’t have the space or money for them. 

19. What’s something that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside? Hot Chocolate, Kittens, Puppies, 

20. Do you play any instruments? Besides the basic recorder, my first instrument I’ve ever played was the French Horn. I don’t know why. After that it was the snare drum, which I enjoyed a lot more. I played a little bit of the drum set when I was in school too. But I really don’t play anything now. I’d like to play the drum set again some day, though.

21. What’s your favourite drink? Hot Chocolate is good for cooler days, but my other favourites are Cherry Dr. Pepper, Cherry Pepsi, Lemonade, and Raspberry flavored anything.

22. What’s your favourite holiday? Halloween. Christmas/Yule/Saturnalia/Winter Solstice is a very close second, but I get more excited for Halloween/Samhain than my own birthday, which is a month before it.

23. Do you have any hobbies? I used to do this thing called drawing. And this other thing... I think it was writing? Sadly, I don’t have time any more to do those things, being a parent and all...

24. Do you prefer day or night? Night. Forever. I hate the day time. Night is so much quieter.

25. Do you have any bad and/or anxious habits? I used to pick at my nails, then it was my eyebrows, for some reason. Right now, I’m picking at scabs on my scalp. I need to quit that.

26. What’s your favourite kind of fashion? IDK. I mostly dress in a t-shirt and jeans. If I had the money, I’d probably buy some badass gothic shit or modern versions of old-timey garb.

27. Do you believe in anything enough to fight for it? Physically? IDK. I’ve never fought anyone in my life. I mean, I’d rip the spines out of people’s backs if they mess with my kids or anyone I love, but to fight for an idea is different. I guess if it came down to people’s rights being taken away and shit, like if they were to cart my loved ones into a concentration camp, I’d be having something to “say”...

28. Do you have any obsessions? Frequently

29. How do you deal with stress? I don’t

30. Do you want children? I have 2

[saferincages]

the doorway to the season that awakens my soul

there’s a quote that tends to go around Tumblr at the start of September: We know that in September, we will wander through the warm winds of summer's wreckage. We will welcome summer's ghost.

Every year, there’s more poignancy and melancholy in that for me. When I was young, I always looked forward to September so much - that sparkling, crisp sensation of autumn beginning to caress the air, the feeling of a brand new year (in both school and the apple and honey symbolism of Rosh Hashanah), the anticipation that we really only feel as children for our birthdays. But the ghost of the rest of the year, how quickly and inexorably that time passes by, has become more oppressive in its hauntings as I’ve gotten older, and I think I’m grappling with it more this year than I ever have before. I changed the calendar, and it made me cry.

anyway, I did get to take down the “hiatus” notice on my sidebar today. I’ve missed you all, and especially thank those of you who have sent me lovely thoughts and uplifting messages these past couple of months, they truly mean so much to me, and whenever I need to be reminded that I’m not alone (or even when I have to stave off the nasty shadow thoughts of my mind that tell me everyone would probably be better off if I didn’t come back), those sweet words help. ♥ if there is anything you want me to see/read (no matter what it is!), please don’t hesitate to send it to me.

as a bit more of an expressive update -

My laptop could not be saved - something deep in the Windows registry was corrupted permanently by that virus and no restore feature could fix it, but I’d like to thank @u-f-os for mentioning Avira to me - it’s a free anti-virus software, and even though it couldn’t fix my old computer, they make a program that allows you to access your hard drive even if Windows can’t boot up, and that gave me the ability to rescue all of my data. we had to buy an external hard drive (which, granted, I should have already had, so that I could have been backing up my data all along. lesson learned, I guess?), but all of those important things we end up accumulating on our computers (photos, documents, music!) I managed to save, and that was a huge relief.

Mom had to break down and get me a new laptop, even though the expense of that was a burden we weren’t anticipating (I have been told not to expect any gifts again lol but I’m old now anyway, so that’s okay). we were lucky and managed to get it on sale, and it was about the nicest-yet-cheapest one we could find. it’s essentially just a slightly fancier and more up-to-date version of the laptop I had (an HP Pavilion). it’s pretty and gold, and since it was on special, I could get it with a backlit keyboard, which my mom and I both thought would really help me with my headaches and vision problems (and it does, it’s making typing so much easier!). talking about finances, especially after my disability denial and everything else, tends to lead us to very dark, scary places, and there’s a part of me that feels guilty and terrible about the privilege of having a laptop, but as many of you know, it’s my only real access to the outside world. I can’t use a tablet or phone for mobile without severely hurting the joints in my hands (another thing I discovered the hard way, ouch) and exacerbating my headaches, and there are certain things that are simply difficult to accomplish without a computer. it feels selfish and materialistic (even though Hannah told me I shouldn’t feel that way!), but without it, my window shrinks considerably, and my social interactions become non-existent. outside of an eye appointment that I had to have two weeks ago, I haven’t been out of the house since the hearing last November. we already know we’re staying home when my birthday rolls around. it’s so hard and strange to explain, being isolated and limited and homebound in this way, I know it’s hard to understand unless one is living it.

my health has been...not good...a lot of my various symptoms have increased in severity, and I have also developed some quite painful and unpleasant new ones. it feels as though every time I think I’ve adjusted as best as possible (which I wouldn’t quite call ‘coping’) to my illnesses, another thing crops up, which also adds to issues with anxiety/depression. one of my newest things is connective tissue and joint-related, I have to be so careful these days about hurting myself, because the simplest tasks are leaving me with bruises and cracking joints and pain that takes days to heal.

Mom has been quite ill, too, she’s been to the doctor a few times this summer, but there’s not much they can do for what’s wrong with her (much of which is GI-related, and considering my intense GI issues, I feel horrible for her), so she, like me, simply has to live with it and manage as best she can, but that’s becoming more of a struggle for her as she ages, especially since every task to take care of us (like grocery shopping or bills) falls on her completely. I hate not being able to help her. I hate being an infantile invalid in practical ability despite being a fully grown adult in other respects. seeing her hurt...I’d rather have all the hurt myself.

and watching the news is at the point where it takes so much out of my spirit, I have to take careful mental and emotional stock and know when to separate from it. there’s so much vitriol and prejudice being spewed around, and that tears at my sensitivity and my heart. I have to remind myself that there are always people who are resilient and courageous and kind and loving and accepting standing in stark defiance to that, and those people fighting the good fight outnumber the others. that’s why I think it’s important to still reach out to one another in soft, gentle ways, because that can be its own defiance. 

seeing the images from the hurricane, how much those people are suffering...idk those situations make me feel so wrong to complain, honestly, even though I know we all have to deal with our daily minutiae and the little wounds and tribulations of life, and one person’s difficulty, even a disaster, doesn’t invalidate someone else’s, but it’s hard on me nonetheless. 

Angel has been well and happy and cheerful, which is our best bright spot and our dearest comfort every day.

and here we are, at the warm winds of summer’s wreckage. my friends here are always in my fondest thoughts, and as ever, I send any ripples of love that I can out to you.

#bubble wrap around my heart #the little girl who was always tired #i think i am a better ghost than i am a human being #chronic illness #september; the leaves were falling red and gold and i remember

[princephil]

ok can i rant sorta real quick bc im sad

Iok im going to anyway bc i cant keep it in any longer,, ok so ive been in a horrible mood for the past few weeks and ive been so stressed and angry and i want to cry all of the time and its hard for ne to talk about it to anyone bc most of it deals with thr leople i need yo rant to,, but like i wna watch st but i dont have netflix so i cant and i told ny gf and she started watching iy on her best friends account and she wkuldnt answer me earlier bc she was watching it and ny mom wont get it +

+ and yhen ny sister sent ne a sc of her watching it and im on twitter alot and so everyone talks about it and i want to watch it so bad but i cant and it nakes me extremely angry i am going to COMBUST,, and then i have 3 Cs in school and i just cant get my graded up because its my first year of hs and my kom made me take all honors classes and an AP class and i cant grt ny work done correctly and have time to do ny sport and i dont understand most of my work i grt and so it makes me feel so +

(rest under cut)

+ bad about myself because i feel syupid because everyone else can do it with the same classes and they actually have friends amd social lives and they all have As and i nust dont understand how they do it and i hate it so much,, and i alwyas feel like im super abnoying becausr im an idiot and i never syop talki g when i get comfy with my friends and im so needy and i absolutely hate myself ,, also my gf is online and she lives about 3hrs away and she really wants to meet up and imm super +

+ stressed bc we havent even skyped yet but we sc every single day an i trusy her compleyely and j ove her so much but i get sorta uncomfy bc i feel like if we meet irl ill start being rlly annoy nf,,, i know she wouldbt mind but it hurts me to think about,,, and my mom yells at me aloy and getd mad when i dont do ny chres becauude im doing hw but then when i gey bad grades she yells at ne and if she gets mad at me then ill yell back and then i cry and then sjjsjdjd idk i just feel horroble +

+ ab almost everything and im so angry and sad and so many other thigs at myself and i dont know how to fix it !! anyways yhank you so much for letting me rant inlove you so much and ive always felt really comfortable talking to yyoj about everything and im so sorry to dump all of this on you like this -💕

hi!! first of all pls don’t apologize for sending me these asks!! i’m v glad that you reached out to me and feel comfortable talking to me -is there any way for your gf to give you the password for her friend’s account? i mean since you’d be watching the same thing it wouldn’t be suspicious and her friend wouldn’t suspect anything. also theres a website called rabb.it  that you can use to watch it w/ your gf possibly!! i haven’t used it but apparently you can stream things and have little chat rooms with whoever you want so maybe your gf can stream netflix on her computer and you both can watch the show together w/ the website!!

-school is super hard and stressful and i totally feel you with this one :/ maybe talk to a guidance counsellor or a teacher or someone that you feel comfortable with and can help you (or your mom if you feel comfortable enough). Ask if there’s any peer tutoring going on at your school (my school had a program where older kids would tutor the younger ones but idk if this is a thing in other schools). I can imagine how hard honour & AP classes are!!! pls don’t feel stupid for not understanding the concept and not getting A’s!! That’s definitely not the case. Sometimes there’s things we won’t be good at or things we won’t ever be able to fully grasp and sometimes things just take a lot of practice and time to be able to understand. If things get really tough pls don’t hesitate to ask someone for help

-i know you said that you know your gf wouldn’t mind, but think of it maybe in a different way! instead of thinking about you talking a lot as being annoying, think about it in a good way! Your gf will definitely find it really cute!!! I always love when my boyfriend starts talking a lot about things he enjoys, his day, random things etc etc. I know from your point of view you think you’ll be annoying, but your gf will think oppositely

-(if you can and feel comfortable and safe enough to do so) when your mom gets mad at you for not doing chores, explain that you’re trying really hard to pull your grades up. Maybe set up a daily schedule with her? Like do chores at a certain designated time period and then do homework at another time period in the day. Talk to her about how you’re struggling understanding some concepts and maybe she’ll want to try to help you out ily too and i hope at least some of this helps!!!! sorry this is all jumbled dgjhfdgdfkj but i really hope everything gets better for you!!!!

#long post #super long post lmao oops sry #anon #vanswers

[skiasurveys]

429

Does anyone know your bank pin number other than you? Who? no one.

Have you ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend who was depressed? Yes

Would you be able to climb out your bedroom window to sneak out? yes but i live on my own, i dont need to sneak out lmao.

What would you do if you found out the last person you called was pregnant/got someone pregnant? i would freak out bc my mom is 52 lmao

Can you taste the difference between brand name food and store brand food?  honestly not rly. sometimes i find store brand is better than the big brands 

Would you be embarrassed to buy pads/tampons/condoms? Which one more? No. Im an adult.

Are your parents gullible? nope.

Do you still own a VCR? yeah i have a tv my boyfriend and i bought that is a VHS and DVD thing

About how much money have you spent on food in the past two weeks? a couple hundred, since i went grocery shopping.

If you were looking for a new pair of shoes where would you go? Online tbh

How much was the last pair of shoes you bought? 80$ but i got them on sale for 50

What color is the computer/laptop you’re on? Did you buy it yourself? Its like a dark grey and no my bf bought it for me.

Do you have a second home?  i guess my moms house

Would you be surprised if you saw the last person you texted smoking? Yes

Does the smell of cigarettes, weed and beer repulse you?  i hate the smell of beer and cigs but weed isnt too bad unless youre in the room and its in ur face lmao but I hate cigarette smell 

Was the last person you kissed younger or older than you? older

Do you think people have any misconceptions about you? yeah

Have you ever purchased Girl Scout cookies? yes

Do you like waffles? yeah sure

Do you watch birthing videos on a day-to-day basis? uhhhh no lmao

Do you find piercings/tattoos attractive? kinda.

Would you talk to someone you don’t know on the internet?  i have so many friends who are internet friends

How often do you drink Monster? sometimes but it causes me anxiety

Have you ever made totally pointless videos with your friends? yes my entire youtube channel

Do you like to buy those Warped Tour compilations? no

Do you like sitting on the inside or outside of a restaurant booth? tbh outside is nice sometimes but i dont mind inside. it depends on the weather

Do you own a nightgown?  no

Have you ever made a house out of a giant cardboard box? lol no

Have you ever made a tent out of sheets in your bedroom?  no

Do your grandparents know how to operate a cell phone? yes

Have you ever had sex or something like it? Yes.

Have you ever read a George Orwell book? nope

Have you ever worn fishnets? yeah i used too a lot but now i dont as much. i wouldnt mind wearing them again.

How many piercings and tattoos do you have? 0

Is someone in your family affected by Asperger’s? No

In a hotel do you always nose through all the drawers and cupboards? no haha

Would you rather go out to eat or be eaten out? uhhh those are two different things...

Do you always wear your seat belt? yes

Have you ever liked someone much older than you? yeah always

Have you ever been in a play? Yeah back in Highschool

Do you have any secrets that nobody knows about? yeah

Is there ice cream in your freezer? yes ^-^

Have you ever started to laugh but played it off as a cough successfully? uh idk haha

Have you ever liked the lyrics of a band but hated the music? yeah especiallyif the lyrics are good and deep but the sound is off.

Does your bathroom have a window? no

Do you go somewhere to get your eyebrows done? yes

When you were younger did you read the A Series Of Unfortunate Events books? nah

Who was the last band you saw live? there was a lot of them

Do you believe prayer really works? yeah sure

Are you a fan of the band Gym Class Heroes? who

Frosted flakes or frosted mini wheats? frosted flakes

Have you been on a date in the park? yes

Ever dated someone you were best friends with first? no

Are there any diseases/health problems that run in your family? yes

Do you have asthma? Yeah

. Are tongue piercings slutty?  hahaa nooo

Is there anybody you think is hot over the age of 40?  sure

Last person to take off your pants, besides you?  guess connor

Might you enjoy hanging out in the woods for day or two?  sure

Have you ever written something on a bathroom stall? Nah 

Least favorite alcoholic drink? i dont care for jack but i like other whiskey 

Have you ever kissed someone named Paul or Luke? nope

How did you meet the last male you texted? okcupid

Have you ever had an embarrassing email address? yep i aint repeating it hahahah

Do you put shampoo in your left or right hand? left 

Do you have a bull ring through your nose? no

Do you and your dad get along?  yeah but he died lol

Can you see your purse right now? yes

Are you wearing any perfume? none

Are there products in your hair? not rly

When you get colds, do you use nasal spray to help get your nose unstuffy?  sometimes

Do you actually like sneezing? what

Have you taken a shower yet today?  yes.

Do you have one best friend who is always there for you? yes jennifer

Do you wear skirts a lot?  i used to but so much anymore.

Do you wear sweatpants a lot? sometimes. but not out

How many pairs of jeans do you think you have?  I have like 3-4 but i only wear 2 of them haha

Do you like hoodies? YESS 

Big ones or the form fitting kind? i like big ones

Do you wear polo shirts a lot? none

Did you ever actually have a rubber duck? maybhe lol

Are you one of those people who claim to live with no regrets? no, i usually regret a lot

Do you love your computer?  yes but i need a new one. the one i am on rn is a chromebook but i want an actual laptop that can download drivers etc. Chrome book is nice though, Ill def use for college!

Do you drink coffee? hardly never. sometimes, but im not much of a coffee drinker.

Do you basically like all of your clothes? pretty much. Theres only a few that I dont wear as much but are meant for more a professional setting.

Do you shop mostly with your parents, your friends, or by yourself? myself but sometimes if my mom is going out i will go out with her.

#surveys #survey #questions

[anxiousheart4]

Looking for a Lifeline!

I know it's been a while since I’ve posted in my own words, in fact it's been almost a year, I’m sorry for that. I’ve always been terrible at keeping up with journaling, so why would I think blogging would be any different? Lol. 

If you haven’t noticed, I am a fan of TWLOHA and its message to everyone. I've always followed them, and they mean a great deal to me. So I hope in my absence, you’ve enjoyed the posts of theirs I've been sharing.  🙂

Anyways, I don’t have any really good excuse for while I haven’t posted for a long while  (well I do between Thanksgiving and Christmas last year, but not since then), and I even got a new laptop this year, that works SOOOO much better then my old, glitchy, slow ass one; so not having a computer can’t be my excuse. And I've had a lot of free time this Summer, so I can’t even say I was busy either. Basically no excuse, but I’m back; so lets catch up.

So, between Thanksgiving and Christmas I was working 4 jobs!

-Mon-Fri 8am-4pm at an office job that I hated.

-Sat & Sun at the Zoo taking kids photos with Santa

-And then Mon-Fri nights, I switched between working at my local GameStop, and helping at my other local Zoo taking Santa photos as well.

The office job I was working was doing bookkeeping at a nursing home. I met some nice residents there, and some mean ones. I met some nice co-workers, and some I didn’t quite get along with. There was 3 other girls in my office. 

One was extremely nice and helpful, and patient with trying to teach me, I got along with her quite well. I would actually have conversations with her, and it felt like she did want to get to know me. 

Another was the Boss’ wife, and she was nice and all, but also very intimidating, and she never made me feel welcomed; she would be having a conversation with the other 2 girls, but as soon as I tried to join the conversation it was like “we got to get back to work” and the conversation stopped. 

And the last girl, I would have thought I would have gotten along with her so well, we have the same taste in music and tv shows, I was like oh yay we can bond! NOPE! I did everything she gave me to do, and asked me to do and it was never good enough, or fast enough, or competent enough, or just enough. She made me feel like a complete failure! And unless she needed me for something, it was like I didn’t even exist! She would go out for lunch, and ask the other 2 girls in the office if they wanted her to bring back anything, and she never even looked my way and asked me once, never! Seriously the best days at work were when she didn’t come in for some reason or another.

Besides the one girl, no one else ever tried to make me feel welcomed in the office, I spent 6 months of my life feeling like an outcast at work, looking for a lifeline, just trying to survive. Apparently the girls in the office went out after work and hung out together, not like I was ever invited to join and get to know them. Instead I went to the movie theater next to work where a friend of mine was a manager and would stop in to see her or go see a movie all by myself. The only time I was ever invited out with them was when they would go to lunch for someones birthday, and still I think that was mostly because every one split the bill evenly except the birthday girl (which I do approve of), so it was a little less money for everyone else. Only the one girl made me feel like I was actually welcomed, otherwise I just listened to their conversations, cause no one seemed to wanna include me. And Surprise Surprise! They never did anything for my birthday! They do all this stuff for the employees birthdays, bring in breakfast, go out to lunch, decorate their office, etc. all I got was a generic card they did for everyone “Happy Birthday from ’The Companies Name’”.

I think one thing that can make even the worst job in the world bearable, is your co workers. I’ve had some terrible jobs, but I had some awesome co workers, so I didn’t dread going to work as much everyday because I got to see them. Safe to say, most of my coworkers there never made me feel like a coworker, a friend, or anything else. I went to work everyday dreading the next 8 hours of my life. When I got let go, I never even said good bye to any of the other people who worked I the building, I only said good bye to the nice one in my office and that’s it. So the ONLY things I liked about the job, was that I got to sit down to work, and the money, oh the money! I miss the money soo bad! But the job gave me SOOO much stress and anxiety, idk if it was worth the money. 😞

Although, I was able to buy my new computer, a MacBook Air, and I have wanted a MacBook since I was in high school, I just could never afford it.

My other jobs, were pretty good, only minor complaints. But I LOVED my coworkers at the other 3 jobs! The biggest complaint was that I had no time to myself because I was so busy.

Gamestop was cool, after only being there for a couple weeks they interviewed me for a supervisor position, they believed I was competent enough! The only reason I didn’t take it, was cause I got the office job, and I couldn’t turn down the money (though now I wish I hadn’t, it would have saved me soo much stress and anxiety). So I stayed seasonal, so when the holiday season was over, my employment was over there. 

The one Zoo I worked at during the week, I've worked at for years now, and I love it, and the guys who play Santa are sooo nice, I get some really nice guests, and 90% of the time everything goes smoothly, and I actually hang out with my coworkers outside of work! 

The other Zoo I worked at Sat & Sun was pretty much the same as the first Zoo, I love my co workers, and actually hang out with them outside of work. The big complaint about that Zoo, was the guy who played Santa. HE WAS AN ASSHOLE! He had an opinion on everything, and had a problem with how we run our business, and he wouldn’t even let the kids tell him what they wanted for Christmas. We told him we wanted to get a picture of the kids talking to him, and he would tell the kids to “look at him and PRETEND to tell him what they wanted” and then as soon as I took the photo, even if the kid was in the middle of something he would just kick the kid off his lap and move on to the next family. I’m sorry, but if I had kids, I would definitely NOT want them to go see that Santa! I don’t see how so many people line up to see him, and he’s been Santa at the Zoo for years! How has he not lost the Zoo business! But I still like my job, so I'm going back again this year! Lol

Anyways, so that was my holidays, as were coming up to another holiday, lol.

After the holidays, and my busy schedule, I went to Arizona and Mexico for 10 days, and it was AMAZING and relaxing, with only a few hiccups. Like an all inclusive resort without free wifi! What is that? I was gonna use wifi to check in with family back home, but that didn’t happen! And the the room was falling apart, and one of our rooms had bugs in it, and maids didn’t clean very well, like wtf kind of resort was this? But besides that, I got to see and hang out with my sister from another mister who lives in AZ and I don’t get to see often. We went line dancing, which was FANTASTIC! I got to spend my 29th birthday in Mexico, Florida, and AZ + flying over the states between! And with the time difference my birthday lasted 26 hours instead of 24! And I didn’t think about work once during the whole trip until they day I had to come back, and it was because I didn’t wanna come back and go to work!

WOW this is getting long, I'm sorry, only a couple more topics I need to talk out. Its been a very stressful year!

Well after I lost the office job, I've been pretty much Ubering for money, and not making too much of it. But all summer I got to spend weekends going to Bridal/Baby Showers, Weddings and family parties, which I've never really gotten to do before (well besides the weddings, I've never missed a family wedding), so that was awesome! And the weekends we didn’t have an parties, I went up north to my family’s summer home, which my parents just got about 2 years ago, and I’ve barely been able to go before. Which is soo much fun! Ice cream socials, the pool, bonfires, drinking games, bar hoping out on the boat! Nothing about it isn’t fun! So YAY!

If you remember, last November I moved in with my 93 year old grandma with dementia. This experience has been stressful. She spends her days trying to call her mother and grandmother, who are at the cemetery; pacing around the house; she puts dirty dishes in the dishwasher away and washes clean dishes twice; she sets the air conditioning and heat up to 80 degrees, I swear she’s trying to kill me. Its very hard, but I love her, and I love that I get this time to spend with her. And thank god for my mom who is only a call away to help with grandma when my anxiety is through the roof and I can’t deal with her atm, I wouldn’t survive this without her!

This week is going to try me though. I’m staying home all week with grandma, because she just had surgery. She had skin cancer on her nose, and they had to remove it. She’s fine, but she has a bandage on her nose that she isn’t suppose to take off, and yet she does like every time I look away, she’s not supposed to irritate it by touching it or blowing her nose, but she tries to blow her nose every 5 mins. And she’s suppose to sit down and relax with her head back so it doesn’t start bleeding again, I swear she won’t stay sitting if her life depended on it. Ill probably write more about living with her at a later date, but Ill leave it to that now. 

Lastly, while I was sitting down writing the blog post, I got a call that just devastated me. My grandma on my other side, has been having some health issues the last week and it has not been looking good, I was going to go see her tomorrow night. Well my mom called me to let me know that she passed away tonight. She was 82 years old, and though she would technically be my step-grandma, she was the only one I ever knew on that side, and I loved her just the same. My dads mom died of tuberculosis probably about a decade before I was born, but my grandpa remarried an amazing woman, and some of my extended family had trouble accepting her (the cousins opinions, usually based on their parents, who probably thought she was trying to take their mothers place, like some kids react to a step mom), but I always saw her as grandma. What kills me is the last time I saw her, I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye! It was my cousins wedding at the beginning of October, and even though I talked to her during the wedding, when she left that night, I was out on the dance floor or somewhere, and didn’t know she was leaving, so I never said goodbye. And now I'll never have the chance too!! I know she knew I loved her, and though her body was deteriorating, her mind was still has sharp as ever! She was a sweetheart! And my sister and I kept saying we were going to go visit her and bring her dinner, or watch the Blackhawks game with her, and as much as we said it, we barely ever went, and I really wish we had! She was an amazing woman and I’m so happy I got to call her Grandma, but I’m going to regret not spending more time with her when I could, especially near the end! When my Grandpa died, over 15 years ago, I had actually seen him the week before, and gave him a hug and kiss goodbye before I left. Plus he died 2 days after Christmas, and he used to give all the grand children $10 for Christmas (there was 29 of us at the time so for him that was still a lot of money), so I had gotten one last Christmas present from him, which I never spent. I have $10 just sitting in a jewelry box, because nothing ever seemed important enough to spend it on. And after he died I was given his guitar, which I still cherish! I fear I won’t have nothing but 1 picture with my grandma to remember her by. Its going to be hard to say goodbye!  😭

So since its 2 am, and I've been holding back tears while I've been writing this post, and my anxiety and depression will probably be bad this week, I think its time for me to go to bed. Sweet Dreams sweet readers!

#twloha towriteloveonherarms

[kirinhealthprogressjournal]

I think I might have fibromyalsia.

sugar seems to make it worse.  drinking apple cider vinegar lemonade seems to help.

I’m just in pain all the time.  To a point that I’m kind of just used to it unless it gets really really bad for whatever reason.  Even just lying still in bed for an hour, I start to get stiff all over.

I mentioned to my husband I never had those dreams where you have to pee really bad and you dream you’re in the bathroom and sitting on the toilet and then you wet the bed.

That didn’t happen to me because I know when I’m dreaming.  When I’m dreaming, I’m not in pain and it’s so much easier to move and do things.

When I was younger I used to want to rock back and forth idly, a lot, especially as a teenager, because it would dull the pain.  But I quickly learned that disturbs people and I trained myself not to do it, even though it helps, and I’m not doing it because I’m nuts.

When I had kids, I got away with it a little more.  When I was doing it at work, I just explained “Oh I have small children” so like, of course I would be in the habit of rocking them to sleep all the time. And people accepted that readily.

I just got done working out a bit ago, and it’s 2am, and I’m sitting here all by myself watching GMM on youtube, and I decided to just literally grab hold of the sides of the computer desk and very purposefully rock my body back and forth, using my arms, and it feels good.

Sometimes I forget the dull ache is there all the time, until I take pain meds for my period, or my husband strokes my back, and then the pain goes away and it feels so good.

My ex boyfriend said he missed that after we broke up.  Because when we were just standing around together, I used to hold onto his hands, and sort of rock myself back and forth while he just kind of stood there and supported me like this computer desk.  But he didn’t think it was crazy, I think he called it a sort of dance.  I don’t think he knew I did it because it lessened the pain I live with chronically.

I’ve done research on fibromyalsia.  It sounds like basically nobody knows what it is.  It’s just increased activity in the pain receptors of your brain.  I spoke to a friend who was diagnosed, and she ended up moving to Florida or California or something, to help manage it.  I don’t know if that helps or what.

It seems like diagnosis is difficult or impossible as well.  It’s almost a blanket statement for ‘you say you’re experiencing chronic widespread pain, and we don’t know why.’ It’s like the adult version of colic.

And as far as I know there isn’t a cure either.

But I’m gonna keep working out because I think it helps.  I’m gonna maybe avoid sugar, even though I crave chocolate often, it might just be a magnesium deficiency. I need to remember to drink the apple cider vinegar lemon stuff every day because I know that helps.  It was amazing to wake up in the morning and not be in so much pain I wanted to cry just dragging myself out of bed.

What really sucks about it is, people hear about this, and they think you’re just weak willed, or lazy, or even lying for attention.  People literally think this is a ‘made up’ illness.  A friend of ours even joked about it in front of my face, even though he didn’t know I probably have it.

I have so much wrong with me, it kinda does sound like I’m making it up, or that I must have hypochondria or something. But I am medically diagnosed anemic, and hypothyroid, and psoriasis.  And the thyroid pretty much affects every other organ in your body.  So the heart, the intestines, lungs, (I had a bizarre outbreak all over my torso of little red spots about three years ago and the doctor told me my immune system was basically attacking my lungs, and that nobody knows what causes it, but that it would go away.)

Add defunct immune system to the list. But when your intestines aren’t working, you basically just don’t have any energy, and your body isn’t getting the nutrients it needs, so that explains the anemia. Having a defunct immune system means I could very well have a form of glandular fever that one you contract it, it goes mostly dormant most of the time, until your body is weakened by something, and then it flares up again.

And even if I don’t have a cold or a stomach ache, or any reason to have an infection, if I overexert myself one day, it’s pretty common for me to wake up the next day with a legitimate fever and cloudy urine.  That’s been happening since I was a teenager.  And I knew something was weird with it even then, because the incubation period for stuff like that is three days.  I can’t go to someone’s house, spend the night, and wake up having a fever from an illness from someone else in the house.

People make fun of me, people push me to do things I don’t have the physical or emotional strength to do, people don’t believe me, or they think I’m being a big stupid baby and I need to suck it up and just /do/ these things and not sleep for 12 hours in a 24hr period, and get a job where I go every day and can’t call in sick because I have another fever or I’m just too damned bone-crushingly tired for no reason at all. Again.

I feel useless and I hate it.  I was feeling well enough earlier to do a load of dishes, and pick up some trash, and I did that.  The house really could be in a worse state than it is, but I just feel crushed when I not only don’t have the strength to keep up with it, but when I expend energy I don’t have in order to clean it, nobody cares and it’s fucked up again in a day or two anyway.  Meanwhile I haven’t felt well enough to do anything about it.

I’ve been doing so much research, I’ve been working so hard.  I’ve been eating foods that are supposed to help me, and I’ve been drinking herbal teas, and taking supplements, and using essential oils.

I tried Lexapro again and that just fucked me up so much worse I’m still trying to get back in shape because it made me feel like I was living my life in a vat full of molasses and it was miserable.

Caffeine seems to help, so I drink that.  It’s diet coke, and I worry about the chemicals in it, but I definitely don’t need the sugar.  And I don’t really like the taste either, so I’m only drinking it when I need to.

I really don’t want to be dependent on pain killers, but it often feels like the only time I feel good and normal and happy, and productive, is when I’ve taken two Excedrin migraine extra strength to manage my period cramps, which used to be so bad they’d cause me to go pale and clammy and puke and pass out from the pain.

Ever since I had kids, they’re a lot better, but I still take the excedrin.

....

It’s so hard, just trying to be social, and people want you to make commitments to something, and you can’t.  Because you don’t know when that morning comes, how you’ll be feeling.  I often wake up and in addition to a fever, my face and my hands and my feet and my abdomen will be swollen.  This had happened my whole life.  

I’m actually kind of angry that now when I look back at pictures of myself when I was about 15, it’s quite obvious there’s something medically wrong with me, and yet nobody noticed or did anything to help me.  They just expected me to be normal and made me ashamed of myself if I required anything from anybody.

When I was pregnant for the first time, my appointments were in the morning, and my doctor so often said  “You’re really swollen.  Let me see your face, let me see your ankles.“ But I hardly knew how to respond.  They tested me for gestational diabetes and I didn’t have it.  The swelling was normal for me.  and I was confused by her at the time, but now I can see it.  I can feel it when I wake up, I can see my eyes are swollen, I can see my nose is puffy.  I can see my wedding ring is well stuck on my finger when it usually slides off so easily. Working out makes it go away and makes my nose run, but idk if thats related to fluid balance.

I guess I’m hoping that keeping track of all this will be able to shed some light on my physical health and I’ll be able to make more progress.

I forgot I need to buy almond milk for my low blood pressure. I could also buy more enzyme capsules to help my digestion.  I know they helped before and I’m almost out.

[ardemu]

Sooo this story is gonna be a little longer than last night so i’ll leave it under the cut 

Okay so when I was a sophomore in high school we had these things called small learning communities which were basically little classes and groups you’d go into that were based on what major you wanted to study in college. So, I was in the healthcare SLC since i was pretty set on studying medicine in college. 

So like once a week we were required to go to this class that really just taught us the bottom of the barrel BASICS of healthcare and answer any general questions we would have. It was pretty chill though, my best friend and I were in the same class so it was fun for the most part. Let’s call my friend P for this story. 

One day our teacher for this class tells us to do power point on any mental illness/disorder and to have to done and ready to be presented for next class. It was easy and I chose something I was pretty interested in at the time so I made a bomb ass PP and I was hyped to present this thing and shit all over the other’s projects. I finished about a day before the due date cause yknow, i’m a fucking procrastinator and I hate myself so I figured i’d just save it all to a flashdrive and bring it in tomorrow. But oh shit, guess who didn’t have their flashdrive? My mom didn’t have one and neither did my brother so I asked P if I could borrow one of his. 

P: “Sure thing man, but I might have to borrow one of dads if thats cool”

Me: “Yeah thats cool thanks alot i’ll email it to you now” 

So tomorrow comes and I don’t see P until the actual health class so I wasn’t worried cause I knew he’d bring it along. I see him in class and go to get the flashdrive but he stops me. Like something BAD was going to happen. He beckoned me closer and whispers that he could only find one of his dad’s flashdrives, but that it was filled with nothing but porn. 

Oh oka--wait what? Filled with porn? Why?? He didn’t have a solid answer but he told me that in the midst of the porn was my power point. And i’m freaking out at this point because my teacher does shit alphabetically and my last name starts with ‘A’ so I know I’m going up their first. 

“Wtf am I gonna do...” repeated over and over in my head trying to figure out what I could do in the next 3 minutes before class started. I didn’t have much to think about, my only hope was to get to the computer, upload the flashdrive and open my powerpoint before ANYONE could see the other shit yknow? Thankfully she hadn’t turned on the whiteboard yet or the entire class would’ve thought I was just some creepy pervert with shit like “WHITE GIRL BUKKAKE’D BY 12 ASIAN GUYS” on his flashdrive. So I go up to my teacher and ask her if its cool if I set myself up before she started class, and she said ofcourse cause let’s be real, this teacher loved me I was a star student who got everything done on time and I had a solid A in that class, why wouldn’t she let me set myself up right? 

Mission fucking accomplished. You thought you had me there didn’t you devil? But you underestimated me in more ways than one now all i have to do is open my file and...

huh? 

ADMINISTRATION PASSWORD REQUIRED

HUH? 

I feel tap on my shoulder and its the teacher smiling down at me, “oh I forgot i have to put in my password before an outside source tries to open any files” 

I felt my heart drop and my asshole pucker. You’re kidding right? Like...this is some bullshit right? Can’t you just tell me the password and idk...fuck off? She asks me to stand up out of her chair and part of me really just wanted to tell her no but how could i? I got up reluctantly and watched as she entered the password: 

Password1

Are you fucking kidding me?

The next thing that popped up was the name of the flashdrive and she clicks on it. At this point i felt time stop, there wasn’t anything I could do, no turning back, no nothing. Maybe if I just punched the shit out of the back of her head and knock her out things would’ve been better. 

She gasps

Before her, on her precious student’s “flashdrive” was filled with videos upon videos of very aggressive pornography. I’m not talking about some amateur shit i’m talking about the deluxe membership videos you get from pornhub or Xvideos. I’m talking about some shit you wanna make sure you lock all your doors before you watch. The kinda shit that if there was an incognito mode for incognito mode, you’d switch to that 10/10. And she just sat there. Mouth hanging open, not being able to make any kind of sounds

And what did I do? 

I leaned over her, put my hand over the mouse and scrolled all the way fucking down until I found my powerpoint file. 

I double click. 

“...yep, everything looks fine, i’ll start now”

“...um...ok...go ahead Sam”

I can only imagine what I must’ve looked like infront of everyone. My lifeless eyes going over DID in a monotone voice. It makes me think of the papering The Scream, but instead of the man at the end of the bridge screaming, it’s just me with hollow eyes. Just a shell with pain and misery written all over his face. 

There wasn’t anything I could say to the teacher after that, I couldn’t see her afterclass and say “Oh hey dont worry that was my friend’s dad’s flashdrive. I was just borrowing it.” I took that L. And I told P what happened and that i’m probably gonna have the cops called on my at this point. 

P laughed hard. He laughed hard the whole day, even when he was telling everyone what happened he was still laughing. I couldn’t even blame him. The teacher never made eye contact with me again, and honestly it was probably for the best. I was labeled a pervert by her, and it sucks cause it wasn’t even my own porn! 

SO yeah, high school went pretty well for me 

#story time #guess thats what i'll tag these as #so yeah it's pretty long