#so activity is just. gonna be what its gonna be. yknow?

[zebratimw]

Spirit animal SQH

#svsss #shang qinghua #but mainly I'm just here to vague post LMAO I don't like to vague post its not very effective in terms of venting but #but basically I guess I'm becoming hyperaware of my like... cognitive dissonance codependency and derealization ee #also my general laziness ig and where it overlaps into executive dysfunction or whatever like I may genuinely have some issues but #I am also a lazy son of a bitch jfjfkgkg and i need to figure out how to figure it out so I can work on both in more effective ways hhggg #oh yeah but basically the thing to remember for later is the silence in the call and the immediate unmute and chat activity once I left #I should remember this and stop interacting I think? I should try to give em space I think I'm being too clingy or something #or maybe my own silence is too awkward and dampens the call? I was kinda just spacing out and not doing anything so I get its kinda weird #LMAO so I should just like try not to be in call for those times mm #I just like being in call with my friends jdhfkg but I suppose its not very good either #I overindulge I suppose another friend pointed it out to me before too haha but fjfjjt its just easier than facing bouts of dread by myself #eehh and that's why I gotta do something about my Metnal Ailneses hfjfj but ngl I don't really know how to go about it... #I get embarrassed looking stuff up djfnfkg and half the time I don't even know what to look up I just draw ?s and I give up #I suppose I also have commitment issues too but that ones not new which is an issue of itself aaaaaaaa #man idk idk I just don't really get it I guess djdjfjf and I've got existential dreads and think maybe it doesn't really matter whats wrong #cause there's no point to fixing them because ultimately I'm gonna die alone and a failure anyways? so like ehfjgkg idk #its depressing and I know its like sabotage cause my brain is being a little silly a little goofy and its not a shared sentiment #with the better half of me and the entirety of my friends but yknow its just ee harder sometimes to believe in the optimism ig #and i can talk about it somewhat normally and without like having a ✨️break down #but yknow djfjgkg I'm very emotional a person ya? I think sqh is relatable for gods sake 💀 #irrationality sentimentality nihilism and existential dreads... wanting to die because living is too hard despite all my hopes for living... #just the ol regulars yknow? #and another thing... do I talk to my friends about these things? I vent them out here a lot but what do I really want? #I'm not strong enough to keep it to myself clearly but I'm also too proud to share these thoughts? I dump them out in the open and for what? #whenever someone reaches out with concern and care I don't respond in kind and refuse to elaborate? #so like what do I want with this? I guess I want someone to know I'm going insane half the time I'm awake? but not do anything about it? #that's pretty unfair I guess... and stupid I think I do want to share my thoughts with someone but I'm too scared of the ramifications #and that my pride can't stand the fact I might be looked differently by my friends even tho the image they have of me is already quite silly #man.... idk.... I'll come to conclusions myself and do nothing about them so I guess that'll happen again aah idk idk idk

[b4kuch1n]

I'm not gonna screenshot it bc 1/it really doesn't matter that much and 2/the person who made the comment is a kid but: a while ago I made a comic that's supposed to be a genuine study and reinterpretation of someone else's sprite comic (made in the spirit of authenticity too - to recreate the vibes of the sprite comics from that era, iirc very specifically because it's funny) and I got a comment on that comic's post that's like "glow up"

which is a compliment obvs. and the commenter probably didn't mean anything by it, it's a common expression. but I've been trying to find a way to gracefully put that comment away ever since it appeared lol

I just very much don't want my art to be taken as trying to one-up someone else's art when that's not the piece's intention. especially when the piece that inspired my art is perceived as "low effort" or "shitpost" or stuff like that. I did mention in the tags of that post that my considering it a study is entirely genuine, and I can legitimately write pages about the cool stuff I find in it other than and inherent in the haha funneys, but that's not for you guys that's for me. I just think that approaching art competition-first like that is a miserable way to do it, and (tipping into overthinking here if the whole tiny-comment-got-stuck-in-my-brain-for-almost-a-month part hasn't given that away yet lol) I really don't want that to be the takeaway from my own art. at least generally. if I actually think the source material is trash and what I'm doing is genuinely categorically better I'd just come out and say it lmao

#bakuspeech #yeah it's the darkhog sprite comic #honestly I don't love comments that put my art and other artists' art in a hierarchy in general. wherever my art lands on that scale #especially when it comes to character writing and trans 'representation' #which like. idk man I'm writing One character. he's NOT gonna be The Trans Experience. he's gonna be one character. #but yeah I'd guess I'm writing it all out in a post bc it's not really a race that anyone opts in #I don't actively participate but by virtue of how my art is perceived I just end up on the scale anyway #so uh. I'm suggesting that we do not bring the scale into my house at all lmao #there's also the like. Don't Yuck My Yum guideline of looking at art that's like #I like the things I'm aping! most of the times! if I don't say it's shit and I'm drawing stuff from it usually that means I like it lol #and then you kinda come in like wow what you're doing here is better than the thing you like. and it's not like yknow. #really anything. it's extremely trivial comparatively. but you are in fact yucking my yum there #tldr please try not to think abt art u like vs art u don't as ''better'' or ''worse'' and #have grace for the things that don't please u personally. anyways I'm omw to finishing the frog now. just need to fell all the seams down #and put that boy in da spinner for a ride. and then it can live in a gift bag until the day #I really enjoy holding it actually... maybe after this one I'll make something else. tbh slick stretchy fabrics are superior to fuzzy fabri #doesn't pill And cooler to touch. stuffed toys for the subtropical population #I'll get a combilation of pics once the thing's at its new home. but for now. we must finish the job

[dullahandyke]

i look at some of u guys talking abt a new show u watched or a new thing u read and im like. holy shit thats a thing u can do. im in awe of u. i spend my time slowly ping-ponging between several interests whose base componants i can never experience because i get scard

#right now its danganronpa again grin. did u know ive been into it on and off for lets say 7 years at this point #and ive never once played it myself. i have it installed on this laptop ready to go and i just! never open it! #because if Im the one playing it then i have to pay attention and i get scared #but if im watching a lets player i just naturally pay attention without the pressure #ive talked before how i always feel i need to have the smart cool takes on shit #n this deep plays into that #idk boti was good for me bcos nobody fucking knew what it was so nobody could judge me for pardoning anotsu's crimes bcos he was hot #so i probs need to do that again #yknow a thing where i disconnect from anything that anyone knows about and get really really into some dipshit manga from 2008 #but also like. i get a lot of my media recs from people talking abt what they like #which then means i defacto have someone who is gonna know if my takes are shit #and like even now. im watching mop cycle w dri and im having fun w it #but i feel bad bcos i see so many ppl like This Is The Best Anime Ever and i just like. dont get it #like i can actively feel the messages and shit whooshing over my head #its a fine anime! i'm having fun watching it! but i don't get all the commentary abt pacifism or whatever #idk. something something my need to be The Smart Kid The Bookworm Kid that went unchecked too long without peers to challenge me #so now im here like Uh Oh #and like this wouldnt be the end of the world (save for its impact on my mood n stuff) #but also like. i am an english student. i should know this shit. but i stragiht up do not feel smart enough to sometimes #i keep coasting by on the assumption that im a smart kid and i'll automatically be better than my peers #and im being disproven #i got an english exam back tonight and i got like 63% #and i like college! i just dont like. college. #anywho its approaching 3am and i have a 9am tomorrow morning which means bedtime

[radioves]

there needs to be a way to refer to someone without using pronouns but without using their name either [because neither of them have one] but without constantly using descriptors but witho

#help me #GSHFNFFK #okay well im fine with using it/its for one of them because its deliberately dehumanizing #i mean. its not human but You Get The Point #the other one though. hoo boy the other one #neos wouldnt work because that implies putting effort into choosing sets that would fit #they just kind of … exist. yknow. they have one purpose in life and they dont need to dwell on identity #especially when theyre actively trying to avoid being around others so whats the point of having labels if no ones gonna use them #no im not using my ocs as fodder so you wont acknowledge that this post is about me and my relationship with being percieved as a concept #haha woaahh who said that #[.txt]

[narryffdreaming]

I hope you don't get discouraged by the number of notes in a toast to the future and keep writing the story anyway 😭 I've seen so many amazing talented writers giving up their wip because of lack of notes and interactions and I'd be so sad if the same happened to you ! Your writing is 1000/10 thank you for sharing it with us ! Please don't stop !

hahaha dont worry, 85% of the story is already written so notes wont change my motivation to finish it. thank you for reading!

#im not gonna be like 'im above notes' bc im human #but honestly im used to it so i actively choose not to look at those numbers anymore #it is what it is! and its okay! #i can tell you mean well and i appreciate your concern... but i can assure you it's not needed <3 #lets just try not to make a deal out of it.. yknow? #have a good sunday (or whats left of it!) mwah!

[235uranium]

not to be back on my bullshit already but like. ford talking about how he doesn't understand romance in journal 3 quite literally does not prove he's ace in any sense of the definition unless you assume only ace people struggle with traditional relationship models (literally not fucking true??) or that aro people are always/usually ace (I am beating you with a broom). it's evidence towards him being aro if anything!

but even then I think that's an accidental meaning in the writing. the passage exists to show how detached ford is from the sheer idea of family and how he doesn't understand fiddleford's attachment to his wife and son! it's also a subtle reason to show why the pines family might not notice anything after the portal incident (i.e- ford didn't talk to his parents or sister much, if at all, after moving to gravity falls.)

it's even more frustrating when ppl mention that line... and then make him alloace?????

#☢️.txt #yknow what fuck it! #ford pines #i wouldnt mind ace ford pines hcs so much if they didnt so often use evidence towards him being aro as the evidence of being ace??? #also im gonna be real the 'ford dated a siren' joke is just way funnier if hes aro #im not even attached to him being aro. im more attatched to gay monsterfucker ford pines #but then again i think most aroallo ppl are a bit on edge after what happened in the aromantic subreddit a few weeks ago #(mods banned all mentions of sex and sex-related banners for a few days before reversing it when people pointed out how insane that is) #oh and i also just think the stuff about how ford sees family is much more interesting in that paragraph #it both explains why stan hasnt had any significant pushback (bc even tho he can imitate him the career change had to be a shock!) #and why ford resorted to stan for help over anyone else in his family (he didnt talk to them nor did he feel any sense of closeness) #fords idea of family is soooo fucked up. its all filbricks fault btw but like #it was easier for him to reach out to stan. whos location he had to actively track down and who he thought didnt respect his career ambition #than just like fucking. calling shermie or one of his research mentors #at the absolute height of his paranoia he still felt that he could trust stan deep down and no one talks about this

[dreamcast-official]

hm.

#eli.txt #i think the reason i feel so shit over The Whole Deal is like. god. i just miss talking to them. #sometimes it felt like they were the only person who cared about what i had to say. they were the easiest person to talk to in my life. #and like. basically overnight. they were so distant for what i thought was no reason. and they did not care about me anymore. #i know they were justified in acting that way and its not like they suddenly hate me and dont care about me but god. #thats what it feels like. thats what it fucking feels like!!!! #i didnt just lose my boyfriend i lost one of my best friends and it fucking sucks. it feels like no one is going to put up with me anymore. #idk i dont feel nearly as comfortable talking to Anyone anymore. because when am i gonna know i made a mistake. #how am i gonna know i made a mistake and they suddenly think i hate them and it leads to something like this. how am i gonna know. #and like!! it looks To Me like their life got so much better without me being an active part of it. and i feel like i have just gotten worse #AND THEY WONT FUCKING TALK TO ME! I KEEP TRYING TO MAKE CONVERSATION AND THEY DONT TALK TO ME! AND LIKE. #I KNOW I FUCKED UP BUT IM FUCKING TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR IT CAN YOU PLEASE JUST LET ME TRY. TALK TO ME. I MISS YOU. #I LOVE YOU. NOT IN THAT SENSE ANYMORE BUT I STILL CARE FOR YOU. YOURE MY FRIEND. FUCKING TALK TO ME. #I KNOW NO AMOUNT OF SAYING IM SORRY CAN FIX IT BUT IM TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR IT. PLEASE JUST DONT IGNORE ME LIKE THAT. #god i just feel like maybe i meant nothing. maybe theyve just already moved on entirely and i was never anything. #maybe im the only one who still hurts. yknow. i dont think they care about me anymore. #which i could fucking deal with if they just said that instead of flat out ignoring me. #god i just feel like shit. what if i keep fucking up the same way what if i lose everyone the same way and in the end im alone. #i would probably deserve it. if i keep messing up this bad maybe i deserve to be alone. #i know thats not true. but i feel really bad right now. im not thinking. #no one is going to put up with me the way they did. they already dont. #god. im so tired. i wish they would fucking talk to me.

[citizenn]

#just kinda rambling #i have to be a bridesmaid for a wedding #but like #the dysphoria is killing me #and im not being strong about it #but i have to push forward for the bride #despite the obligatory bridezilla activities she's been engaging in. but whatever. shes stressed #i just wish so desperately that it was me in that groomsmen group chat #im only a bridesmaid because im dating her brother #the groom and i have been friends for years and he was the first person offline that i came out to #but yknow hes not just gonna out me like that. even if he remembered that lengthy conversation about it #which i honestly dont know if he does #it doesnt even matter #i know what i am and at the end of the day i have to be okay with being the only one in my day to day life who knows #and i am okay sometimes. its just kinda rough getting shoved into very strictly gendered situations #yknow what. the haircut im getting tomorrow will fix me #afterthought (because i just had a rough conversation about this to someone after typing the last tag): #this is coming from a moment of high emotional vulnerability so like. bear with me here #AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA #i cant talk to anyone about this. SPECIFICALLY cis people i have to stay closeted around #and that fucking SUCKS. it literally feels like those spider-man moments where miles or peter is so so sooo close to just spilling the bean #but they just cant because itd potentially ruin everything. so they don't continue talking and its like. okay. i must be overeacting #because if the context of me being queer isn't known then im just crying because the men get to do airsoft on a convenient day #and instead i have to work around so many time constraints and time frames because the bride doesn't know how to plan things in advance #all to paint some mugs #and like yeah yeah yeah. again. im super frustrated by the general wedding/bachelorette party planning drama. i cant deny that #so yknow what im sorry but i dont like the physical heavy sickness i feel in my stomach every time the bride calls me girlie #knowing ill never get to be one of the guys #hoo boy ive been writing in these tags for literally an hour #im sorry if youre a mutual and you got this far. but also thank you kinda

[skitskatdacat63]

I realized I have the right clothes to dress like young Oppenheimer, so I drew my oc in my suit 🤭

I draw her in suits a lot, so the top drawing is her typical suit! But then the second one is based off my irl one 🤭

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH MY BELOVED WIFE RÜßIE <3 SHE IS SO HANDSOMEEEE <3

I think every time I draw, I just feel more deranged about her(if that's even possible) 🥺 I love drawing her face sm

#her actual name is just Rüß btw(well technically nickname but) #but i call her Rüßie affectionately since she is wifey #some of you guys told me i should post my art so here you go !! #not to be vain but god im so obsessed w the outfit irl #not that im ever gonna wear it out or anything but its so gender yknow??? #its my dad suit that he gave to me and i fit into the vest for the most part #but ive not ever really worn the pants bcs theyre huge on me #but then i realized theyre the perfect size for early 20th century pants! #bcs those pants are just soooo high waisted and pretty giant imo #and also i didnt draw it cause i hate drawing hats but i have a similar hat as well! stole it from my mom 😌 #id include a pic of the oppenheimer outfit im referencing but theres literally no pics #i like his typical outfit for most of the movie its also a slay #but i especially love his outfits from when hes in college and when hes actively teaching...theyre so gender... #and also i realized now after actually wearing the outfit #the pants are so big and somewhat flare at the hips so thats why the sexy waist is so emphasized 🤭🤭 #anyways Rüß is not beating the fav child allegations(its weird to say child about her but you get what i mean) #i hate picking favs but....i cant deny how much i lovu her <3 shhhhh dont tell the others #моя высокая русская любая жена 🤭🤭🤭 #also if you saw this post earlier no you didnt.( i hate the way it sometimes tricks you into posting when youre editing a draft) #also i realized its funny for me to look btwn this and my recent oc drawing vs my fanart #idk if its obvious to others but its so obvious to me how much more comfortable and easy it is to draw my ocs #ive said but i dont ever really draw fanart and real people #so im happy to get back to drawing my blorbos!!! #catie.art. #oc art #art #rüß

[likedbyuarmyhope]

i love festa i’ve been waiting all year its my favorite thing ever and im so excited to see what they’ve been preparing for us... im in this bangtan sonyeondan shit for life

#my 6 years with bts passed exactly a month ago and i hope i'll have so many more years with them #as soon as like 2 years passed and i was still loving them more every day i realized this was something special #all of my previous fandoms had lasted for maybe a few months #to this day i havent been continuously active in any other fandom for more than like a year or so #there might be things i still like yknow like for example i got into my sports animes a little before bts and i still love them #but ive moved on from the fandoms and i dont rly keep up with news very actively or anything and i dont think about them all the time #but with bts its like every day i find new things to love about them and new ways to interpret their music #new details in their songs i'd never caught before new tidbits from old interviews i'd never seen before #every day i love them more and more and more until i think there cant possibly be any more love left in me #and then tomorrow comes and i love them even MORE!!!! #i will never act embarrassed or joke about being cringe bc i like bts i just will never do that. they have saved my life #and not only have they saved it they've directly improved it. they've made me the person i am #without them i might be in a completely different place or even a similar place but feeling so much more miserable and worried about things #i know that i am content with where i am solely because of bts' impact on my mindset and my perspective on life and living and growing up #this has turned into a love letter but yknow what its good practice for the letter im gonna write them in my journal on 6.13 <3 #aeron.txt

[zeawesomebirdie]

Chronic fatigue time woot woot, time to read all those fic recs, reread my favorite fics, and get back to typesetting

#if this sounds busy to you its because i have adhd and cannot stand to do only one activity for too many days in a row #ive been knitting the same fucking pair of socks the entire time ive been in the hospital #like bro #boring *af* #and itd be done by now if i wasnt; yknow; in the fucking hospital recovering from losing all sensation in my lower body #so forgive me for wanting to do literally anything other than knit socks right now 😅 #(but dont worry) #(socks are still my favorite thing to knit!!) #(im just ready for something else <3) #first thing on my typesetting list is to harvest and clean the text from one of the easier knitting patterns i have #i dont have many short fics on my typesetting list #(i mostly read behemoth slow burns) #(thanks ram <3333) #and i cant buy affinity publisher for my laptop #so im just gonna harvest into google docs and clean up from there #once i get home and back on my pc ill get affinity and properly typeset #but the harvesting and cleaning part is whats gonna be doable from my laptop #so thats what were gonna do!! #plus i currently have 93 works on my 'planned to bind' spreadsheet #15ish of them are knitting/crochet patterns #i just like physical patterns dont @ me lmao #anyway #thats why ive been so silent lately lmao #we gucci now though #pt triggered a fatigue episode #(as i anticipated; tbch; i called it the day o started pt and needed to lay down for three hours afterwards bc cfs) #so now we gotta recover from like #sensation loss *plus* chronic fatigue #we gucci I promise

[comas-are-for-sleeping]

if it were socially acceptable and cheap id probably get the thing done so ur canines are sharp like fangs

#i just feel so much cooler and hey why the fuck not yknow #but ppl would think its weird so like im not gonna #but if it were treated the same as like. breast implants idk man what’s stopping me #unless it does actively hurt u ofc #might start using this for my random ass thoughts again 😌 #rambles

[snekdood]

you will never be able to take me out of who i am 😌

#idrc what anyone does #or says #idc if its a chritsian republican #idc if its some 'left' leaning person who hates the way i identify #idc if its a family member who thinks they know me better than me #idc if its a bitter manipulative ex trying to paint me a certain way #like. it really doesnt matter what any of you throw at me. ill still always be me #the sooner you accept that the better off we'll all be #otherwise prepare to be consistently confronted w the fact that i am infact myself. #oh and uh. it also doesnt matter how much yall try to invalidate me and act like im not who i say i am ✌️ #like im sorry but ur only trying to delay the inevitable here. im always going to be me. its just like. not gonna stop happening #imagine calling urself a leftist and trying to come up w a moral reason to invalidate me lmao. #and are you suuuure its bc 'i invalidated my ex'? are you suuure thats the reason you want to think its fine? #are you suuure you're not just telling yourself they're telling the truth just bc you hate me? #are u suuuuuuuuuuure theres really a moral way to invalidate me- in spite of growing up with no validation and my ex lovebombing me w #validation and yall supposed leftists who supposedly care about other queer people are literally just their useful idiots literally #perpetuating their abuse? are you suuuuure you're totally fine w me being the only person to validate myself? u sure? are u so sure? #love bombing me w validation that they ripped away to abuse me n yall perpetuate their abuse by actively invalidating another trans person* #and yeah go ahead and tell yourself im abusive or whatever to keep justifying why you're treating another queer person this way #yknow. the way you've probably been treated plenty of fucking times too like what. do you think i dont know what its like to be fucking #invalidated? GOD you dense fucks. i wish you could relive my childhood and then come back to me and tell me how fucking easy it all is. #im so tired of yall THINKING you're so smart and you've figured it all out and you Just Know what kinda lesson i need to learn. #meanwhile everything you're trying to teach me is shit i know like the back of my fucking hand since growing up for me was like being in a #warzone. when will yall just accept the fact that my abuser IS in fact fucking abusive and thats all there is to it #all of these. fucking justifications to abuse me is just their way to keep perpetuating abuse and dressing it up w progressive language #i wish u all werent so fucking dumb and blind to fucking see that. but oh fucking well. im not going to help you if you need it now. #maybe yall just need to stop using me as an acceptable target for all the shit transphobic and queerphobic ppl have thrown at you.

[fereldenshero]

knowing a break from actual social interaction is whats best for me when im feeling like a neurotic prey animal vs crying screaming clawing at the walls of my enclosure about it

#i KNOW im gonna take everything the wrong way because thats just what i do when i get this way #but if i may be dramatic i do feel like i carved an organ out of my body and left it somewhere. if im being totally honest #sort of like Damned if i do damned if i dont. yknow #whatever im fine i dont Actively feel like garbage right this second so thats cool #forcing myself soooo hard to stick to it and not give in right away like i ALWAYS DO. ok. its not that hard boy!!!!!! #lovely.txt #vent

[bombz-n-bluntz]

Thinking thinking...

#im just gonna be open about it here bc idrc stone cant touch me now #when i got into her little circle it was more like i was some clown she kept around #i feel so embarrassed sayin it jeez. i slept with her #more she took the reins. like all consensual. shes fine performance wise its just. idk never any real tenderness #kinda dropped me like an old toy when i fell off the deep end n all #hog didnt believe me when i told him about it!! and its not like shed ever admit it #told me she'd neuter me if it got out #made it all the more awkward when i saw her again. cause overwatch wanted us to play nice n all #genuinely i was terrified that overwatch wouldnt stop her before she gutted me so played suck up like i used to #but she was like. not actively trying to kill me. like she said she would #even jokin with me! like what?? i tried to kill you... do u not like... hold the same grudge....... #blehhhh im gettin rambly #talkin #gonna be tagging all shit in this adult category as #Rat's Junk #haha yknow like balls #mems

[zarnzarn]

i see all these comments talking about this after the new episode, but. i would like to state for the record that stolitz isn't. toxic.

first off, the concept of a toxic and a healthy relationship are such... vague terms. when you're online, drenched in language and tight moral boundaries, trying to put a nuanced story like helluva boss's into boxes is easy to attempt and impossible to do.

a toxic relationship is one where one or both parties is maliciously affecting the other. I'm talking fetid, nasty, rude interactions where there is more hurt than love. they're unhappy more often than not when they're with their partner, there's no respect or give from the other side.

stolitz is nothing like that.

Stolas actively cares about Blitz and actually has no fear or hesitation in ADMITTING IT OUT LOUD TO OZZIE. he has been calling, texting, commenting, laughing and finding ways to spend time with Blitz. he's throwing everything he has to the wind, finding the courage to move forward with the divorce, putting everything he has into trying to keep him. he's been alone in a palace since he was born, on medication, with such less people dear to him that he remembered the circus boy who spent a day with him DECADES ago- so when blitz comes into his life and brings back in laughter and color and sex, he's holding on with everything he's got.

and blitz does care!!! he cares a LOT, the whole series we see him falling in love with stolas through SHOW NOT TELL (his expressions, his choices, his fear, his lashing out) and utterly unable to process that stolas cares about him too when talking to fizz; almost a desperate kind of denial-

cause yknow. the first time he tried to confess something to someone he really liked, he accidentally killed half the people he knew and ruined the lives of the rest?

thats gonna leave just a teensy impact on the will to express your emotions in the future, methinks.

even before that, he clearly felt like on some level that he was unworthy and he's said twice that he despises himself for the accident even though it wasn't actually his fault. being self aware doesn't stop the emotions from emotioning.

he keeps insisting its only sex so urgently to anyone who doesn't ask because he can't even imagine it being anything else. he's both disappointed and relieved when he repeats that stolas sees him as a novelty, because what else can it be?

(there's a whole other spiel of how brave both Stolas and Blitz have to be to say it out loud even when asmodeus can't afford to, considering how publically and completely beaten down both were at the club.)

(there's also another whole spiel about how frustrating it has been for ME to see all these comments over time with such bad takes based on like,, 20 min worth of info of a show that takes months to release an ep. like godDAMN have some patience?? let the story UNFOLD MAYBE? IT WAS ALWAYS GOING TO HAVE AN EXPLANATION WHY WOULD YOU CRITICIZE THINGS THAT ARENT EVEN FINISHED ESPECIALLY AN INDIE ANIMATION- i digress)

mind you, this has NOTHING to do with abuse. an abusive relationship is one where one is actively harming the other with full awareness. Stella is an abuser and their marriage is abusive.

and stolitz isn't that; it isn't even unhealthy or toxic. it's a consensual, transactional fuckbuddy relationship that slid into something more for both of them.

but!!!!! one of the main reasons for the problems that everyone looks over is-

they're in a BDSM relationship.

I can't possibly delve into dynamics without making this a 10k research paper BUT even though we've gotten only hints and costumes and dialogue- they're very clearly and undeniably in a BDSM contract. Behind the scenes of this crazy show is a whole different story, of these two delving into the most hardcore kinks out there- knifeplay, painplay, bondage.

if you've gotten into the community, if you've read a couple dozen particularly good fics by authors who know what they're talking about, hell; even if your only experience is fifty shades or 365 or whatever- you gotta know that BDSM scenes are crazy fucking emotionally heavy. there's so much that has gone down between them during their full moons that helluva can't get into!!

but you know how in so many of these popular medias and fics, the dom in the relationship is also like,, the billionaire/mafia heir/prince, etc, the one with financial and physical power? this isnt that. it has been very clearly stated that stolas is subbing, blitz is domming.

now take a moment and think about how much that fucks up the dynamics.

in stolas' eyes, blitz is a confident, dangerous individual who's an old friend and cherished memory of his, who he's trusted wholly with his safety during sex and he's lucky to have; and he has been in an abusive arranged marriage for the past eighteen Years, he's probably not going to be pushing his luck with his dom that much in the first place. plus, blitz is never cowed by him during their conversations- think back to the first phone call right after he stole the book, completely unafraid.

and for blitz, it's someone trusting him again- but it's also a royal- a blue blood who's nearly untouchable and so much more powerful- who couldn't possibly like a piece of shit like him, apart from the sex he gets out of it. he only flirts once he gets some sort of cue from Stolas; he's desperately trying to view this as only a Goetia trying to get his rocks off, despite all the evidence to the contrary, because anything else is unfathomable to him, no matter how clearly Stolas shows it, because of the ptsd.

both of them thinks the other has the power. both of them aren't expecting the other to keep shut if something's bothering them.

and there's so much conflicting messages from the other too!

stolas calls him a plaything when trying to intimidate the humans; stolas cups his face gently and asks if he's alright

blitz asks him on a date and tells him to get better soon; blitz yells that it's only sex and doesn't reply to his messages

ya see?

bring it to fizzozzie for a second now; even though they do look all good on surface, you can still see fizz's trauma and doubt in all their interactions, they're still forced to keep the relationship secret. do you see his face when Ozzie says in hyperbole that he's never leaving the house again, or when someone accuses him of being a pampered house pet or when he got sexualized in the 7th ep? whatever happened in the interim between the accident with mammon, it fucked him UP. even though oz seems to be well aware of this when he tells him not to apologise and in their general interactions, fizz still visibly has trouble separating plaything/commodity from healthy relationship.

shout the fuck out to Ozzie btw, man knows whats UP. rooting for these two so much omg.

i forgot where I was going with this point, I'll edit it when i remember. but yeah! lovely fucking relationship, but damn what angst filled issues.

anyway, to sum up- stolitz is not a toxic relationship. the relationship is stuck sludging through misunderstandings and careless microaggressions and trauma responses, but it's not unhealthy or toxic because of the simple reason that most of the current hurt comes from... a misunderstanding. stolas didn't realise blitz would need reassurance about what they were and blitz didn't see stolas as someone who could get hurt.

unecessarily calling it toxic, even online, is more impactful than people think too. almost all spindlehorse ARE on all social medias; so MANY YouTube animators i know have found jobs there; they see your words, especially since a lot don't tag posts with "anti hb" correctly to keep them out of the main tag. there are Very few queer medias made BY queer people that haven't gone through heavy corporate revisions- helluva boss is practically a historical landmark in its success. it's very very very fucking easy to forget that not ten years ago some of the only queer videos on YouTube were butter lover (one kiss at the end post credits), dirty paws and welcome to hell (subtext).

the amount of "critical talk" helluva boss gets for what it is is very unprecedented. it's a beautiful show. can't wait for the next episode.

#helluva boss #stolas #blitz #stolitz #fizzarolli #helluva boss ozzie #okay im gonna make SO much content but i had to get this off my chest first #because so many people were like omg fizzozzie is so healthy stolitz take a lesson!! #and theres so much more nuance to it thats its so. frustrating to see a statement like that #meta #anyways #i love this fucjing show