#so stop it.. just fuckin live your life... and get a therapist... can be related i just think therapy is good anyway bye

[sincerestarlight]

The Introverts Guide to The Meaning of Life.

Yeah the title is a bit grandiose but I like it.

This is coming from a place where I wanted to be able to help people. I don’t always know the best words to express what I think when I speak but lately I’ve wanted to work in a space where I could just speak at length about what I feel I’ve learned in my life. About how I think and relate to people and the world at large. And I wanted to do so in a space I felt would maybe be seen and help a person or two.

Hence I made the decision to come to Tumblr.

Call it Madness or Wisdom, you’re still probably right.

So this is going to be my partial diary, partial wisdom blog, partial hard record for whatever therapist wants to look at me down the road. Hopefully they appreciate the documentation.

So I guess the first thing I want to kinda dwell on is, as the caterpillar asks…

Who are you?

TBH I think about this question a lot. Sure I can answer with my name, and that’s indeed who I am in society, but where I begin questioning is who I am to myself.

To anyone who is reading this, Lils is fine.

One of the things I’ve always had a problem with is trying to describe myself. The concept of ice breaking activities fills me with dread, or more commonly these days it’s the ominous “tell me some of your strengths and weaknesses”.

Whoever came up with that question needs to be sentenced to having to use the bathroom on stage in front of an audience.

Seriously there are no good answers to that question! If you say to many good things, or those good things in the wrong way, you’re perceived as arrogant. If you say to many negative things, you lack confidence, or worse they lowball you in pay cause they think you won’t fight back.

And the thing is that you should have confidence in yourself! We are in a big old universe that, as far as we know, stretches on for immeasurable lengths, distances where you can only measure in how many years it would take light to reach it *and it can still be millions of years*

On top of that matter that had at one point just been floating in the void floated into each other *so hard* that it became a giant floating rock. Then this rock managed, through scientific fuckery, make water! An atmosphere! *Fucking Life*. And whatever you think about *what* made life, the fact is that from there, millions of years passed, dinosaurs happened, then they stopped, then humans. Greece, Rome, Wars, and all that time has led to you.

You.

And then fuckin life happens.

Oh yeah, it’s a miracle but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck a whole bunch of nards. Christ almighty, it’s a miracle when a kid makes it out of high school without some form of lasting trauma. And then we mold ourselves around that trauma, in the worst case passing those issues onto the next generation.

Why bring up trauma? Well I think that’s why I have a problem with the initial question of who I am.

I used to really like ice breaking activities when I was younger. I always saw them as an opportunity to make friends, maybe if we have similar likes or interests, one of the peeps in my new class will like it too, and we can bond over it and then boom, friend made. So a lot of times, I would talk about what I liked, or things I learned from properties that I liked. It seldom worked the way I expected, but again, stories for another time.

That was my safe spot you know? The things that I liked. I knew those. Give me two options and I can tell you what one I prefer. Tv shows? No problem. Video games? Piece of cake. Sportsball games? I might not be super into them but I can tell you what team I prefer over a different one, even if it’s just based on their uniforms or mascot game.

But then everything changed when the question did.

See, you *have* to go to school. You *have* to do your homework. For stricter upbringings like mine you *have* to get good grades. Living within those confines is it’s own form of comfort. You know what you’re going to do, the question was doing it in a fashion that you like. And after many years of picking between Pokémon starters, that was an easy task. But then one day, maybe later than other people, I wasn’t asked “what do you like”

I was asked “what do you want to do.”

For some people, that question is easy. They know what they want to do. Doctors, artists, scientists, parents, people know what they want to do and the most tenacious of us make it with jobs in their chosen field and I am genuinely thrilled for people who follow their passion. But when I was addressed with that question, I froze. Want was never included in my world up to that point. There were things that sure, if I had complete freedom and unlimited money I’d like to do, but being invested in anything like that was merely fantasy. Sure, being able to lie on the beach in a nice chair with a book in hand sounds like paradise but it’s not really a realistic goal. Same with world domination.

After that I struggled…a lot. I started learning about the things that I like, maybe I could refine down what it was that I liked about them and magically, like an epiphany, I would see the thing that would make me happy, the passion and determination that others had when it came to their craft. But nothing came. I got a retail job after that and spent a good long time basically chasing that next bit of Serotonin. Nothing dangerous but definitely not good for my mental health. If passion wasn’t in my future the least I could hope for would be comfort.

Then I moved into my own place. I had a job that could (barely) afford, and then I looked around and said “well. Now what?”

That was the goal. Self sustainability. And I don’t mean to sound dour about the whole thing, it’s an accomplishment that I am proud of, but a ghost loomed over my head. The concept that now that I am self sustainable, what did I want to do? Obviously there are limits, but now I could exist beholden to no one but myself and…I didn’t know what to do with it. I still don’t. and it’s felt very lonely. Lonely because I feel this bright passion inside of me and I have no way to share it. No way for it to exist in this world.

I don’t know what I want to do but I want to do something.

I want to live my life in joy

I want to love whomever I want at my own pace

I want to be passionate and excited and run into the future with the confidence of the ball of conscious stardust that I am.

And even if no one reads this, writing it down helped a lot. The fact that the very thought exists somewhere helps.

#random thoughts #mental health #idk what else to tag #tumblr diary #self help? #self help

[whomst-art-thou-whomst-whomst]

Texts from the Lost Tomb part 6.1

🎶 Back on the bullshit I never got off🎶

Is this another unnecessary story arc?? With three sections??

Yes.

Wushanju Crew Chat

Wang Meng: You know, I’m someone who appreciates consistency in my day. My life is pleasant, very few issues indeed if you ignore the big ones. And yet. Yet here we are. With unresolved messes at the end of a day.

Wang Pangzi: SOMETHIN YOU NEED TO SAY MARY POPPINS

Wang Meng: We need to talk about Huo Daofu and the glittery bead curtain.

Wang Pangzi: MY FAVE TEEN WIZARD SERIES

Wu Xie: did you turn on that suggested word thingy lol

What glittery bead curtain

Wang Meng: I closed the shop at 6:00pm this evening on the dot. I locked all of the doors in and out of the shop very carefully, especially in light of recent events. The hall leading to the back office was empty. I filed the day’s paperwork, updated and sent emails, and then spent an extra hour organizing receipts and dusting. When I came back out, there were glittery iridescent bead curtains over the front entrance to the shop.

What could this mean?

Wu Xie: uh that you need to spend less time at work?

Wang Pangzi: LOOKS LIKE WE GOT ONE FOR THE DETECTIVES. THE MYSTERY OF THE BEDAZZLED THRESHOLD COMMENCES

Wu Xie: I think we can be relatively secure in thinking a glittery bead curtain isn’t a hostile threat

Wang Pangzi: SAYS YOU

I REMEMBER YE OLDE EXPLORATION TIMES HOW FAST THINGS GOT FURIOUS

BEANBAG CHAIRS SET AFLAME AND LEFT ON DOORSTEPS AS A WARNING

GLITTERBOMBS FOR DAYS

PANIC AT THE DISCO

Wang Meng: Ugh, forget it. I should have just taken them down, regardless of who they belong to.

Zhang Qiling: They are not mine.

Wang Pangzi: A BOLD STATEMENT COMING FROM OUR PRIME SUSPECT

SOMEONE QUICK GO DRAW CHALK AROUND THE DOORWAY TO MARK THE SCENE OF THE CRIME

Wang Meng: Do we know anyone who *would* sneak in and put those up? For whatever reason, legal or not? Even as a joke?

Wang Pangzi: ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ASKING WHETHER WE KNOW ANYONE WHO IS CHAOTIC, AN OUTLAW, A PRANKSTER AND/OR SNEAKS INTO PLACES

BECAUSE THAT WOULD MEAN OUR SUSPECT LIST IS LITERALLY EVERYONE WE KNOW EXCEPT FOR YOU.

Wu Xie: okay let’s think about this; for starters, I didn’t break into my own shop

Wang Meng: You would be in danger of doing some work in the process, that’s true.

Wang Pangzi: LOL

Wu Xie: ANYWAY let’s keep going. For example, Xiao Ge would only break in somewhere for a good reason. Xiao Ge, did you do this?

Zhang Qiling: No.

Wu Xie: okay who’s next

Wang Pangzi: YOU REALLY MISSED YOUR CALLING IN INTERROGATION TIANZHEN

REALLY PUT THE SCREWS TO HIM

IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE;)

Zhang Qiling: How can we be certain *you* didn’t do it?

Wang Meng: Admittedly that was my guess, too.

Wang Pangzi: WOW I SEE HOW IT IS

BLAME PANGZI AS USUAL

ANYWAY HOW DOES HUO DAOFU FIT INTO THIS

Wu Xie: Oh yeah him! Oops I got distracted

Wang Pangzi: UR ENTIRE HISTORY IN A NUTSHELL

Wu Xie: Ugh fuck off

Wang Meng what abt Huo Daofu??

Zhang Qiling: ?

Wu Xie: oh sorry xiaoge I didn’t realize you wouldn’t have spent much time around him last year

He and I go way back

Zhang Qiling: Way back where?

Babysitters Club Chat

Wang Pangzi: I CANNOT BELIEVE HE IS BUYING YOUR INNOCENT ACT

IF YOU EVER TURN TO EVIL WE ARE FUCKED

Zhang Qiling: ?

Wang Pangzi: YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHO HUO DAOFU IS

YOU WERE EXTREMELY POLITE AND BORDERLINE FRIENDLY TOWARDS HIM

Zhang Qiling: I wanted him to feel welcome. I wanted to be sure he understands he has a place here. A specific place.

Wang Pangzi: FOR A SILENT GUY YOU ARE A MASTER AT SUBTLE POWER PLAYS IM ALL TINGLY

LMAO THE IDEA OF WU XIE LEAVING YOU FOR HUO DAOFU IS HILARIOUS AND ALSO NOPE

Zhang Qiling: Rationally, I understand that.

Main Chat

Wang Meng: Huo Daofu is coming for the weekend—didn’t Wu Xie tell you? Wu Xie asked me to check in a week ahead so we could start getting ready for his arrival

Wu Xie: oh yeah I did do that

Wang Meng: Fortunately I know you and so I already went ahead and took care of everything.

Re: the trip

He made a deal with Wu Xie’s doctor that he would do periodic checkups on him here at Wushanju

Bc Wu Xie hates being in the hospital

And frankly the hospital hates him too

Wang Pangzi: FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT LOL

I FORGOT HUO DAOFU WAS DOING THAT

A VERY CHIVALROUS GESTURE

WOULDNT YOU SAY

XIOAGE

Zhang Qiling: Is it safe for him to be here with a criminal loose on the premises?

Wu Xie: Right, back to the curtain! Let’s focus on the curtain, hmm?

Wang Pangzi: I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS WEEKEND.

ALSO WE CAN RULE OUT XIAO BAI FOR THE CURTAIN SHE JUST SENT A SELFIE FROM NORWAY COVERED IN GREEN SLIME WITH ZERO CONTEXT, UR PROTEGE INDEED

Wu Xie: okay but who else would do something so oddly charming yet illegal and—wait.

Snake Eyes Chat

Wu Xie: hey, Glasses hasn’t been in touch lately right?

Li Cu: uh nope

Unless u count the outdated memes

Why, is money or Xie Yuchen missing

Or is this curtain related, I saw Wang Meng’s tweet

Wu Xie: haha no nothing to worry about really

(I mean maybe? but who knows)

Wang Meng is probably just getting a little paranoid in his old age

Li Cu: better than getting reckless and stupid as hell in ur old age

Wu Xie: …hey:(

Unknown Number: Li Cu, we discussed this.

Wu Xie: ????????

Li Cu: *sigh* fine, reckless and stupid as heck

Unknown Number: …close enough.

Wu Xie: EXCUSE who is that

Madame, Sir, Non-Binary Tree Spirit, etc—whomst the fuck

Are you

Li Cu is underage FYI

So Im staying on this chat

Li Cu: okay first of all, it’s not like that

Second of all I’m literally not underage I s2g

u threw the embarrassing surprise bday party, okay so u should remember

And C, that’s my counselor and I invited her. She wanted to meet u and I knew u wouldn’t agree to a visit so I added her to our chat

we have been discussing u

Wu Xie: Oh wow!!!!!!!

What a surprise:)

hi so nice to meet you:)

Main Chat:

Wu Xie: RED FUCKING ALERT

FUCK THE CURTAIN FUCK THE VISIT

IVE BEEN TRICKED INTO FAMILY THERAPY BY A SMUG TEENAGER WHO TEXTS UNKNOWN NUMBERS

Wang Meng: I assume that means something to someone here?

Not my problem? Good.

Wang Pangzi: AHAHAHA GOD I LOVE LI CU

HES LIKE ADORABLE KARMA FOR ALL THE SHIT YOUVE PUT ME THROUGH

IM RAISING HIS ALLOWANCE

Wu Xie: wait i give him an allowance

has he been collecting on two allowances??

Zhang Qiling: Three. I knew about both of yours.

Snake Eyes Chat

Wu Xie: so uh may I ask your name?

Unknown Number: you can call me Ms. Lee.

Now, if you’re comfortable talking in this format, why don’t you tell me how things have been going?

Wu Xie: oh everything is normal and fine and safe as usual, why do you ask:)

Li Cu: I heard about ur necklace thing. nice of you to NOT mention it.

another dangerous adventure. again. prick.

Ur lucky your cool boyfriend cares about you so much or you’d have already died like ten years ago

Wu Xie: lol try twenty years ago

Li Cu: That isn’t funny.

Unknown Number: …What?

Wu Xie: shit ur right, okay that was a bit glib, my apologies.

…I use humor as a coping mechanism?

Unknown Number: and Li Cu, how do you feel about that?

Li Cu: he doesn’t even know what that phrase means

He doesn’t cope, like ever

In fact

It’s kind of why we met

Which is a funny story in retrospect tbh

Wu Xie: haha what are you talking about sweetie hahaha need I remind you of certain anecdotes that could idk send me to jail maybe lmao

Unknown Number: …You know, perhaps an in-person meeting might be more effective?

Wu Xie: haha such a nice idea but why

Main Chat

Wu Xie: If I go to jail, I’ll have to create alliances for protection, right, that’s how it works on tv

Who do we know who spends time in jail

Other than Hei Yangjing, he’s only ever there for like 12 hours and i suspect he just gets himself arrested bc he enjoys the breaking out process

Also how’s the curtain case coming along

Zhang Qiling: Has someone threatened you?

Wu Xie: well not yet but soon I’m sure

Wang Pangzi: WHERE WAS THIS PARANOIA WHEN WE GOT TAKEN TO THE TEA HOUSE HUH

Snake Eyes Minus Your Fucking Therapist Chat

Li Cu: okay how tf did u pull off spy and undercover shit

u are sus as hell

Wu Xie: damn son is it pick on Wu Xie night

I missed the flyers or I would’ve invited my uncles

Also re: the curtain it’s been mostly solved

Li Cu: I’m not your son, idiot.

Wu Xie: …oh. Sorry, sorry, you’re right, bad choice of words, haha

Forget i said anything

Delete this chat even

Li Cu: shit I meant

Legally, biologically, I meant—

shit

…I turn into an asshole as a coping mechanism?

Wu Xie: oh that’s all okay! I have to go do something else now let me know if you need anything okay kid thanks!

Li Cu: goddamn it calm down who’s the kid here

lemme organize my thoughts so I can articulate my emotions fuckin healthily or w/e

Ugh maybe for like one afternoon we could go to Ms. Lee together? She knows how to word stuff

Wu Xie: uh…okay.

Li Cu: Anyway you don’t need to worry abt jail

As if you would survive prison for one day you’d piss off half the place in like an hour or less

I gave Ms. Lee the heavily edited version of the desert highway to hell roadtrip and i discussed it more in terms of like “nightmarish but still wouldn’t take any of it back”

Well maybe the sand

that shit was everywhere

Wu Xie: oh kiddo. It’s fine, really…You don’t have to explain yourself to me.

Li Cu: no, no it’s just

I do technically have a dad

who is an asshole. Being a son doesn’t really mean shit to me bc it sucked.

So you need to stop backing down just cuz ur guilty abt stuff. I’m really really glad ur not my dad in a good way. Do u get what I mean there

Where’s the mafia widower I followed into hell, huh

Wu Xie: Ur a good kid, despite my influence. I’m really glad you have someone to talk to after everything I…after everything. Wow this talking through feelings thing is kind of weird but nice ur right

Jfc no wonder it took me and xiaoge so long to—you know what, we won’t get into that

Li Cu: ew tmi

Also re: this week’s recent necklace fuckery

I moved my stuff here, I live here now

So you can’t die anymore

Or else…Idk I don’t have a threat planned

anyways abt the curtain

Wu Xie: oh my god, kid…kid you have no idea

I am in tears.

Li Cu: see this is why I can’t be nice to you I can sense the hallmark channel from here

Ugh don’t be sad in ur room that’s dumb

Go hug Pangzi or something

Maybe delete this chat

Or the curtain thing

Focus on the curtain thing

Just stfu and go away

Wu Xie: <3 screenshotting this <3

Li Cu: I take back everything I said. This is why Xiao Ge sleeps on the roof. I hope the ghosts of the Wangs put up that curtain to strangle you somehow. Go die in a stupid way, it’ll suit you.

Wu Xie: lol don’t worry I’m not gonna embarrass you with it or anything

Main Chat

Wu Xie: omg guys look how cute my kid is *sending screenshot*

Wang Pangzi: I MEAN

HE IS WISHING YOU DEATH

BUT SURE

CUTE I GUESS

Wu Xie: no but read the whole thing:):):)

Zhang Qiling: It is indeed very hard to remain angry with you. And you are welcome to join me on the roof.

Wang Pangzi: UH NOPE

NOT WHENI HAD TO BLEACH THE COUNTER IN THE KITCHEN

DONT TRAUMATIZE THE EARLY BIRDS THEYRE ALREADY FREAKED OUT BY U YA HOODIE CRYPTID

Wu Xie: ok true but babe ur like a sexy cryptid

Wang Meng: so, are we just accepting that there is a glittery curtain of unknown origin, and Huo Daofu is going to have to see it while he’s waiting for you at Wushanju bc you’re going to family therapy?

Wu Xie: right

Wang Pangzi: SHOULDA TAKEN EARLY RETIREMENT HUH

Wang Meng: I’m going to go dust something.

Unnamed Chat:

Unknown number: so the curtain…

Unknown number 2: yep, not my best work but I kinda panicked last minute u know

Unknown number: what is in the water at Wushanju that makes everyone dumb and attractive

Unknown number 2: relax they’ll figure it out

#ultimate note #whomst #wu xie #dmbj #the lost tomb #pingxie #iron triangle

[agathasangel]

you deserve to feel good all the time (sally mckenna x reader)

for anon who requested: “oh okay so me and my overactive imagination have a new autistic reader idea 😅what about reader and her parent(s) goes to Hotel Cortez. her parent(s) aren’t the best, maybe they’re kind of abusive and don’t accept reader because she’s autistic. well, Countess ends up feeding on her parent(s) so reader is left alone. reader finds out and maybe has a meltdown, but Sally is there and surprisingly knows a lot about autism so she’s able to calm reader down and help her through it. reader has to either stay at the hotel or go live somewhere else because her parent(s) were all she had so Sally makes the decision to have reader stay at the hotel and take care of her because obviously she would do a better job than Countess because Sally knows more about how to help someone who’s autistic. and reader ends up bonding with Sally too because of how accepting she was and her parents were never like that. i know this is super specific and you don’t have to do it, but i thought i would share in case you were willing to do it. 😊”

so yeah basically that’s the summary ^^ also this is kind of an AU because the timeline I’m using does not line up with the show at all lol.

Trigger Warnings for meltdowns, death, ableism and mentions of sally’s drug addiction

I myself am autistic (at least according to my therapist) and a lot of these reactions/experiences that the reader has related to her autism are my own or close to my own. Hopefully I do this request justice and do a good job and don’t oversimplify anything.

You ran through the hotel, searching for your parents, but they were nowhere in sight. 

Breathe, you thought to yourself, don’t break down, they’re probably just out getting food or something and didn’t want you bothering them. You just have a couple hours of freedom, you can let yourself enjoy it.

You tried to enjoy the few hours you got to yourself without your parents. Without them mocking the way you talk or walk or move your hands, without them grabbing you with full knowledge of how uncomfortable it makes you. No cracks about how you had to leave college because you “can’t take care of yourself”.

The first words your dad said after you checked into the hotel were “God, it would be so much easier if we had a normal kid, wouldn’t it?”

As if you didn’t have feelings. As if you weren’t a human being who could fucking hear them.

It was 4pm. Your parents didn’t come back.

6pm. Nothing.

10. No sign of them. Neither one answering their phones. Maybe they’re finally abandoning you the way they’ve threatened to for ages.

Midnight. Still nothing.

2am and you started looking again. You couldn’t find anything. 

What happened?

You started to panic and could feel a full-on meltdown coming on.

You tried to be still and silent, but it proved impossible. You began to cry and cry uncontrollably, rocking and hitting your head, unable to stop. You felt like your life was ending. 

Two women showed up beside you. One was older and appeared to be the manager of the hotel, the other was a bit younger, with crimped blond hair and heavy makeup. You barely noticed either of them, however.

The older one touched your back and you screamed. You hated when people touched your back.

“Hey, do you want to take my hand, honey? It’ll be alright, I promise.” said the blonde woman. You obeyed her.

“Wh-Who are you? Where are my parents? Do you know?”

“Your parents... died. I’m sorry you had to find out this way. It was The Countess..” said the older woman.

You couldn’t speak, but you had about a billion questions for the two women. For example, Who the fuck is The Countess?

“You don’t need to speak. Just breathe, okay? In and out, good. Good girl. I’m Sally, by the way. This is Iris. You’re gonna be okay, I promise. I’m not gonna let anyone hurt you.”

You waved, not knowing what to do, completely overwhelmed.

“You know what, it’s late. I’m gonna take her back to my room and have her rest. We’ll deal with the rest of this shit tomorrow when she can talk and isn’t so clearly exhausted,” said Sally.

“I-I.....can..... talk. It’s...okay.” you said, each word making you more spaced out and tired.

“No. You’ve been through too much. I’m taking you up to my room and you’re gonna rest. You don’t have to speak or do anything you don’t want to do.”

You followed Sally, so scared and tired and in need of some damn sleep.

“You’re safe with me. I promise. Here’s, um, the bed. Get some sleep. I’ll be right here if you need anything. The Countess doesn’t want to hurt you either, I think she wanted to- it doesn’t matter now.”

“Who is... The C-Countess?”

“It’s a long story and you likely won’t believe me until you meet her. But it’s alright, you’re safe. I’ll protect you. Can I come over there and hold you?”

You nodded. Sally got on her bed next to you and put an arm around you. You winced as she touched your upper back.

“You don’t like when people touch you there, do you?”

You shook your head no, and she put your arms around your waist instead.

“Thank you.”

“Hey, I understand.”

Sally made you feel more comfortable speaking and you said,

“My parents didn’t understand that. They used to touch me there as much as they could, just to upset me. They laughed at me trying to keep my wet hair off my back when I took a shower. They thought it was funny.”

“What does that feel like to you?”

“I don’t know. It doesn’t, like, hurt, but it’s terrible, it makes my skin crawl just thinking about it.”

“Aw, honey...”

“It’s dumb, I’m sorry I’m so sensitive.”

“Hey, no, don’t apologize. You know, you remind me of my baby sister. I loved that girl so much when we were growin’ up. I practically raised her. So God only knows how she turned out as good as she did. Our parents were terrible, they were never there. She was the only one who stayed with me. Until she didn’t.”

“What happened to her?”

“It was all my fault, really. I put her in danger. I sold drugs in the 90s, and I started using when we were living together. She was in school, and I had to find her somewhere safer to live. So I did. She’s okay, very successful actually, and she’s still alive. I’m the one who died young. I miss her.”

“You... died? What? I’m sorry, you-”

“Yes. I’m a ghost, The Countess is a vampire, I think Iris might also be a vampire now too? I don’t know. I know you think I’m crazy now but trust me.”

Sally saw your look of disbelief, then held out her hand and said, “Watch.”

As she spoke her fingers began to disappear and reappear.

“What-”

“I’m a ghost. I can alter the way I’m seen by others, if I want to. I’m surprised other ghosts don’t do it more often really. One time I scared some kid by making all my teeth fall out. It was awesome. I didn’t wanna scare you though. I like you.”

“Thanks?”

“Sorry, I-”

“No, it’s- um, how did you die?”

“Iris fuckin’ pushed me out the window.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah.”

“What was your sister like?”

“She was the best. Sweet, talented, sensitive. But people didn’t understand her. I did, though. At least best I could. We only had each other. Our parents didn’t care, the kids at school bullied her relentlessly. I had to protect her. She sometimes had meltdowns like the one you had earlier too-”

“I’m sorry-”

“No! It’s not your fault! You were terrified. Anyone would be. It was pretty intense though, I was worried.”

“Was your sister autistic like me?”

“She was. We didn’t know for sure until after she stopped living with me, but we both kinda knew.”

“Oh.”

“Anyway, it’s almost four in the morning, you really gotta get some sleep. Come here.”

You did, and you fell asleep in Sally’s arms.

When you woke up, Sally was still there, as well as another woman, blonde and glamorous. They were arguing.

“What do I do then if you don’t want me to turn her? Kill her-”

“Please don’t hurt her, I can- she-”

Sally noticed you were awake, and saw your scared face.

“It’s okay, no one’s gonna hurt you. I’ll protect you.”

The blonde woman who you assumed was The Countess approached you.

“Do you have anywhere to go?”

You shook your head no. Sally spoke up for you, intuiting that you must be stressed.

“She can stay with me. I’ll make sure she’s safe. She won’t bother you or anything. She’s sweet and quiet and-”

“Sally, it’s okay. You want her, you keep her.” said The Countess.

“Alright. Thanks. Can you get out of my room now? You’re freaking her out.”

She left without saying a word.

“I’m sorry about that, (y/n). You’re safe here. You can stay as long as you need to. I’ll be here. This is a dangerous place but I’ll make sure you’re safe, alright?”

“Okay.”

You still felt sad. Not about staying with Sally, you liked her, but about the way The Countess talked about you. The way your parents talked about you. 

“Hey. I just want you to know that I don’t see you as some kind of pet or anything. I know that’s what you’re thinking, that’s how people treated my sister sometimes too. It was awful. No, I just want- I just want you to be okay. I want someone to spend time with. it’s awful lonely being a ghost, but I thought maybe if-”

“I understand, Sally. I like you a lot, and I want to stay here. It’s just sad the way most people see me.”

“It isn’t your fault, you know. I need you to know that.”

“I do. You make it easier to feel okay because you’re so nice to me.”

“I’m glad. You deserve to feel good all the time.”

You started to tear up a bit. No one had ever said that to you before. You were always expected to make yourself uncomfortable, speak when you didn’t want to, shut up when you wanted to talk, wear clothes that pinched, let people touch you when it made your skin crawl, and you were still made fun of because still, somehow, none of it was enough. But with Sally you didn’t have to do any of that, and yet you still felt loved by her in a way that you never have been before.

“Aw, hey, don’t cry. You’ll be okay. I’m gonna make sure of it. I can’t actually leave the hotel, but I can make sure you get everything you need. Are you a picky eater by any chance?”

“A little bit, but not as much as I used to be.”

“Alright. And you’re good on clothes?”

“I think so.”

“Good. I’ve gotta say, I’m excited. It’s been so long since I’ve felt a real connection to anyone here.”

“You really feel a connection with me?”

“Yes, honey, I do. Do you.... feel the same way?” Sally asked you. She said it as if she was worried you may say no.

“I do, Sally. I really do. I know how it feels to be lonely like you are. It’s how I’ve felt my whole life. Maybe... I...”

“Maybe you’ll learn to love it here. Once you’re comfortable I’ll introduce you to the other ghosts. They’re annoying, but we’re still a family or whatever it is they call it. They’ll like you. I promise.”

You spent the rest of the day in Sally’s room with her, barely talking, not really even needing to talk. She was the one who broke the silence by telling you

“I like this. Just being here.”

“Me too.”

“I want to kiss you. Can I?”

“Yes.”

You had never been kissed before, but you let Sally be your first. You felt so... loved by her as she kissed you and held you lightly by your waist.

You stayed in the hotel with Sally, and it quickly felt more like home than anywhere else you’ve ever lived. You became a part of the family, and you and Sally fell deeper in love. Sally protected you, knowing the dangers of the hotel, and made sure you felt okay. Your meltdowns became far less frequent as you were no longer being forced to be someone you weren’t.

#my fics

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #304

“she’s got a hold on me  /  maybe she is just what they want me to be”

How many foreign friends do you have? Only one that I know of that actually immigrated into America in their life. I think. In which countries do they live? She was born in Asia, either China or Japan. What was your dream birthday party as a kid? I either wanted to go to the skating rink or Chuck E. Cheese. Have you ever come up with your own game? As a kid, definitely. Whose hand did you hold last? Probably my niece's or nephew's if they were taking me somewhere. What was the last thing you planted? Habaneros, I think. Do you have a green thumb or are you all thumbs with plants? I don't really try with plants because I'm not interested in the maintenance. What or who was the last thing you gossiped about? Does telling your therapist about another person and what they do to stress you out count? lol Any books on your night stand? Wings of Fire: The Brightest Night. Would you ever consider going vegetarian? I was briefly one, but I had to introduce meat back into my diet because I just hate too many foods needed to keep me healthy without meat. I would love love LOVE to go vegan, but I just can't. When's the last time you helped a senior citizen somehow? Probably holding open a door for someone in a wheelchair. What's the most selfless act you have done? I don't know... Maybe letting my mother use all my Christmas and birthday money (which was a lot) to take care of bills to keep us from being evicted and losing the car. She was going to pay me back, but then cancer happened. Have you ever intentionally fed a house spider? No. What makes you feel lucky? The fact I have a roof over my head, food on the table, access to water... That kind of stuff. Never take it for granted. How many Lidls are there in your town? One. Last time you went to Ikea, what did you buy? I don't believe we've ever bought anything from there? But I wouldn't really know. How do you like your favorite beverage? Really cold in a can, heeeeell yeah. What's your big family secret? We don't really have one. What did you think you were good at, until you saw someone else do it? I remember thinking I was the "gifted" artist in school until I met my acquaintance Cailin in the 5th grade, lol. She is SO talented. What is something nice going on in your life right now? My partial hospitalization program is going well. I'm getting more comfortable with talking via things like Zoom, it's a good opportunity for me to socialize with like-minded people almost every day, and I ADORE one of the teachers so much so that I want him to be my normal therapist. I have never in the entirety of my life felt less judged and more cared for from any therapist before him, and it's almost supernatural how easily this man reads people. You could twitch a certain way and he picks it up. I'm ready for him to teach more of the sessions. What was the pinnacle of wealth to you as a child? The idea of owning one of those toy crane machines, haha. If I saw one in a store, I would like beeeeg for it. I remember I cried once when I came across one I adored, it was just too expensive, lol. I did eventually get a little one, I think. What's something that you hate, but can't live without? My meds. What skill do you not talk about, because you feel it sounds like bragging? I don't really brag about anything I think I'm good at because I feel bad about it and don't wanna emit a "better than you" vibe. Who's the worst person you've encountered on the Internet? Ahhh, a lovely "friend" nicknamed Shakes. God she hated me. If death wasn't a consequence, what would you try? Probably ride a motorcycle. I'm too scared to risk the possibility of crashing, and those wrecks are nasty. What's the dumbest thing you've heard someone say? There's this one video of a TV show host thinking the moon was a planet and it was just- What is the worst smell you can remember? This smell was forever branded into my memory as if it was fuckin trauma. When my late dog Teddy had a massive, infected cyst near his ~you know~ and also wore diapers because of incontinence with his age (also keep in mind he had a UTI we couldn't afford to fix, and that smells bad enough), changing the diaper he would wear overnight could, swear to God, be enough to make you puke. It literally came to a point that I personally could no longer do it. It sounds so so bad and selfish, and it probably is, but Mom had to do it before she left and came home from work; she's way less fazed by stuff like that than me. Yes, when we had the money, we got the cyst removed. What song gets better the louder it gets? Only like, every song I enjoy. The louder the better until it becomes obnoxious to others. What's the biggest inconvenience that does NOT ruin your day? Having to pee at like an unnatural frequency? haha What's something everybody should know how to do? Cook... which I don't know how to do. What is a great movie no one knows about? I'unno. I don't really know the success level of most movies unless you see stuff about it everywhere. What type of person could the world use less of? Rapists, pedophiles, monsters like that. What makes you tingle? I have this odd reaction to rubbing my hand while someone is holding it???? idk why????? What’s the best Wi-Fi name you’ve seen? Oh MAN, I wish I could remember 'em all. I've seen some goodies. What's easy to learn, but hard to master? God, it's pathetic that my immediate response is related to a video game, haha. Then again it's such a common idea that it's basically a meme in the World of Warcraft community. So, playing hunters in the game. They're argued to be one of the - if not the - easiest classes in the game that requires little to no skill, while as a hunter main, I disagree with the second part firmly. I don't know about the other specializations because I don't play them, but at least in beast mastery, it takes focus and thinking ahead to master your rotation for optimal damage and just to generally be a skilled player of the class. Not to mention you need to watch your pet(s), too. What's something you've changed your opinion on? Wow, LOTS. Tons of political ideas, like my stance on gay rights, transgender folks, etc... If you had a refilling bowl, what would you want it to contain? For some reason my mind immediately jumped to fresh strawberries. I'm picky with the firmness of fruit, so I won't eat them if they're older because ew. If your bedroom had three portals to anywhere, where would they lead? I mean this in the least creepy way possible, but Sara's house so we could actually hang out, Dad's house so I could see him more, and then uhhh South Africa to regularly see meerkitties. You can ask any author one question about their story. What do you ask? Oh, I dunno. I've got some for writers of other media, but I guess by "author," you mean this is for books exclusively. If you have caffeine late in the day, does it cause you to struggle with your sleep? Shit, I wouldn't even know because I essentially always have caffeine in my system. I don't believe it affects me. When you struggle to sleep, what do you do instead? Keep trying to sleep, or more common than not, I do exactly what you shouldn't do and get back on the laptop for a while. Who was the last person you spoke to for the first time? How did you come to speak to this person? My most recent therapist in the PHP. I love love love him. The therapists rotate the days they teach, and he was the last one I met. Are there any TV shows from your childhood that you still watch today? I'm not opposed to it if I actually watched television. Do you enjoy buying gifts for other people, or do you never know what to buy them? If I actually have the money to, omg yes. I honestly do think I create or buy very thoughtful gifts, and I just really enjoy reminding other people that I love and think about them. Who were you with the last time you went out for a meal? My sisters, Mom, and I went to the Cheesecake Factory for my birthday dinner. That place has come to oust Olive Garden as my favorite restaurant, haha. What’s the last thing you watched on TV? Is this a programme you watch regularly? I believe it was this amateur cooking show called Nailed It!, I think it was, with my mom when I sat in the living room with her for dinner one night. Do you have a favorite documentary subject (eg. nature, celebrities, history, crime)? Absolutely animals. Does having to wear a mask stop you from doing anything, just because you dislike them or find them uncomfortable? Do not fucking talk to me if you're anti-mask. If I set foot in public, I'm wearing a mask like a goddamn considerate human being. Do you prefer zip-up or overhead hoodies? Overhead. I really dislike the appearance of zippers on them. If you have a yard or garden, how much time do you spend out there? N/A When was the last time someone bought you flowers? What was the occasion? I think it was the first time Tyler came to my house. This was quite a few years ago. When was the last time you stayed overnight away from home? Was this with friends, family or in a hotel somewhere? What was the occasion? Hell, I'm pretty sure I haven't slept over anywhere since the last time I was visiting Sara, which was like, two years ago. What’s your favorite period to learn about in history? What got you interested in this particular era? The Renaissance; I always found it to be an attractive subject, art being in its "glory days" and all. My Art History course in college really hooked me in. What is the smallest thing you lose your temper over instantly? Homophobic bullshit. What's a job that doesn't get enough respect? As others have said before me, teachers might just top the list. The shit they gotta put up with for so little pay... What did you take for granted until you visited another country? I've never left America, so I wouldn't know. Who is your favorite scientist and why? I don't have a favorite; I don't know nearly enough about any. Do you prefer emoticons or emoji? I'm from the emoticons era, so I'm biased, haha. How did you meet your pet? Roman was the kitten of one of my sister's mother-in-law's females. They have quite a cat problem and wanted to adopt the kittens out, and Mom knew I desperately wanted a cat, so there we go. One day when we were over there, she showed me the kittens, and Roman caught my eye instantly with his beautiful blue eyes. Venus, I "met" via the Morph Market, a reptile hub website for selling, as the name implies, reptiles that are generally morphs of their species. I was clicking through the genes, keeping my price ceiling in mind, and really fell in love with champagnes, and I thought Venus in specific was just absolutely beautiful. I officially met her as a little thing mailed to me, and she was and still is just the sweetest. I wanna point out that when I chose Venus, I hadn't the slightest idea that champagnes harbored "the spider gene," as otherwise I would have avoided adopting her and feeding the market. Regardless, I love her to death and wouldn't trade her out. Did/Do you have any PEZ dispensers? I did as a kiddo, yeah. Do you enjoy erotic stories? If so, do you read them or write them? No; they make me really uncomfortable. When writing RP, some scenes can get sexual, but I have my limits for sure and know when to stop writing and just time-skip. If you had to choose, which one would you rather have: a pet or a baby? Keep the baby away from me. Gimme a plains hognose or tarantula, please. ^Why did you choose the one you chose? I don't want kids at all but would love the mentioned animals as pets. Do you live with your parents or on your own/with a partner? I live with my mother. What's the car of your dreams? I don't have a "dream car." Have you ever witnessed something or someone die? Animals, yes. Has anyone ever told you that you snore or talk in your sleep? I don't snore, but I talk a LOT. Do you have any houseplants? No. Are you more on a laptop or a desktop computer? I only have a laptop, and I prefer them for portability's sake. If you could do absolutely anything, what would you like to do the most? Entirely leave behind my anxiety, probably. Or PTSD. Do you think your parents raised you well? Yeah. Dad didn't really take much part in "raising" us/enforcing rules and stuff, but hey, my sisters and I wound up being good people. Do you have a Facebook? Yeah. Do you know any of your neighbors? Definitely not well. We haven't lived here long at all. Does/did any of your relatives have an interesting, nowadays unusual job? I'm sure somebody does. Have you met your ideal partner yet? I think so. Have you had a serious relationship yet? If so, how many? Yeah, two. Do you enjoy books, magazines or comic books the most? Books. Are your parents old-fashioned or up-to-date about certain things? Dad is more old-fashioned I think, while Mom is pretty up-to-date. Do you or did you at some point keep a diary? I very briefly did on a few occasions. I always had a journal I wrote in during all my hospital stays. Have you ever upcycled trash into useful items? I remember I once followed this craft idea on Animal Planet where you turn a milk jug into a bird house. We never got any birds in it, though. Which color Skittle do you like best? The only right answer is red. What’s your favorite element? Of the classic four, fire. If you had your own radio show, what would it be like? YIKES, I don't want one. Don't make me talk in front of (through a radio or not) people. What has been the biggest surprise you’ve ever gotten? An "impossible" breakup over Facebook Messenger lmaoooo. Is there a holiday you can’t stand at all? There aren't any that I "can't stand," but I do hold at least some degree of dislike of ones bastardized by religion. It's disrespectful as fuck. Who is your favorite person in the whole world? My mom. Has there ever been an activity you became obsessed with? I was definitely obsessed with RPing in my early teens. Like, I ALWAYS wanted to be writing it. What has been the strangest place you ran into someone from your past? I can't think of an occurance. What is something people tend to come to you about? Anything related to English and grammar. If applicable, what's the furthest you've traveled because of a hobby? For purely a hobby, definitely not very far, partially because I can't drive or afford travelling via plane or whatever. Do you have souvenirs from other countries? If so, what and from where? N/A What do you do when someone is talking to you about something you don't care about? Pretend to be interested to avoid being rude. Do you have Photoshop installed on your computer? Yeah. Do you put lotion on after you get out of the shower? No, but I need to. Has anyone ever given you a promise ring? No. Do you have any bruises on you? Yeah, on my shin. When getting in Ash's van the other day, I hit it against the thing that helps you step up into the vehicle. Because of my muscle atrophy, I, and I am not kidding, can barely manage to absolutely yank myself up there. And mind you, her van isn't even very high up at all. My legs are just that damn weak. Any changes in appearance lately? Gaining weight is fucking lovely. Who was the last person to call you babe or baby? Probably a gal friend commenting on a selfie or something on Facebook. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? Sometimes. Do you actually care about other's problems? Probably too much for my own good. Have you ever gotten a teddy bear from someone? Besides my mom, I don't think so.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''big bad wolf'' by in this moment

[teamjacobthot]

twilight saga character tag!

thank you sm @softtwihoe for tagging me <3 i feel like im still new to the renaissance fandom on tumblr even tho i never stopped being a twihard so shit like this warms my heart <3

now my spicy twilight takes………………...

1. Character you find most relatable to you as a person?

the love of my life, without a doubt, 100% leah clearwater. mfs tried to make her feel bad for feeling her feelings but she was valid in all of them. also its canon that shes a scorpio but yall aint hear it from me

rosalie bc we have similar trauma (lmao :/) and like to disagree with people. i also love big dumb men

edward. as a fellow whiny musical pissbaby who cant let shit go, i get it

2. Character that didn’t have a POV in the books or certain unfinished manuscripts, but you wish did?

ok maybe this is super underground but sue!!! mf!!! clearwater!!! she had allllllll the tea on the pack and tbh i really wanted to see how she and her family were before and after harry’s death. that event was a really big deal (outside of just bella and edward) and set shit OFF in new moon

billy bc he also had hella tea and i bet he was super fucking conflicted during the ENTIRE saga bc he couldnt say shit to charlie!!! that shit sounds rough!!!!!

quil bc he was the last to phase and i just wanna know what he was going thru. he would’ve had hellaaaaa jokes too but smeyer doesnt care abt nonwhite characters so :/

charlie, assuming he supports the black lives matter movement

i guess overall i just wanna know how EVERYONE was doing in new moon bc that story ran DEEP. i want a midnight sun for new moon but for every character

nobody asked but new moon is the best in the saga and new moon stans have the best pussy

3. Character that’s underrated and deserves more recognition?

the entire wolf pack but wbk

riley but tbh i think its bc i just loved xavier samuel in the eclipse movie

the denali coven!!!! their story was incredible imo and while irina was a snitch, i understand why she snitched. she didnt deserve to die. the denalis deserve so much better and while garrett is cool to have around, that doesnt fill the void that irina left bc the volturi decided to be a bunch of haters. i want them to heal so bad. 

tanya gets a bad rep for having a crush on edward but she deserves better too

i’d like to read abt the vacations that the denalis with the cullens too

oh and all thats just BESIDES the succubus legend that tanya and kate and irina started in canon!!!!!!!! like??????????????????? they fucked and killed human men??????????? thats the story i wanna READ bitch!!!! thats my jennifer’s body (2009) fantasy!!!!! smeyer is a coward tho

btw carmen and esme are girlfriends :)

4. Character you thought was unnecessary for the story?

ok besides the obvious, and nobody drag me for it, but bree tanner. I get she was there to show us how fucked up the volturi are and to sorta predict bella as a newborn but……...we already knew the volturi kill mfs just for fun. if the cullens werent gonna adopt her we really didnt need many details on her. and regarding the newborn thing, bree’s role as a newborn didnt really mean shit bc bella ended up being ~the perfect newborn~ anyway!!!! smeyer tried to sell us the short second life of bree tanner as if there arent other worthy characters of having a spinoff novella about like leah or seth or rosalie or emmett or charlie or resume from bella’s ovary. that being said………..

resume, for multiple reasons including:

resume literally shouldnt exist. vampires shouldnt be able to have working sperm and even then, edward shouldve pulled out. he could barely even tongue kiss bella so wtf made him think he could cum in her????? whyyy didnt he use his big vampire brain to consider that????? 

resume seemed totally unwanted and unthought of??? bella and edward were so mf absorbed in each other like regular teen couples (with 1000x the intensity but still) that it didnt seem likely that theyd want a baby after fucking like three times anyway. miss bella “fuck them kids” swan also gave no indication of wanting children. ever. EYE would have simply aborted and went on to live my best vampire life :)

resumes existence defeats the purpose of imprinting bc theres no way she’d be able to conceive with jacob. at all. but we know smeyer doesnt think shit through

smeyer writing in resume ruined jacobs character even more esp coming off the shitshow that was eclipse. periodt

5. Top 5 female characters?

leah <3

rosalie

bella

sue

angela

6. Top 5 male characters?

jacob (pre-eclipse but that’s implied)

emmett

seth

quil/paul (i love them equally)

edward’s dumb ass <3 sometimes

7. Character interaction that didn’t happen but you wish it did?

rosalie and edward but only under the condition that he finally stops being a misogynistic pissbaby towards her and accepts her for the sexy legend that she is. i feel like they’d get along well but smeyer is anti-hottie and anti-talent so i guess we’ll never know :/

leah and someone who loves her and respects her and validates her feelings :)

JACOB AND HIS SISTERS. OR EVEN JUST RACHEL. she literallyyyyyyyyyy came home after YEARS in breaking dawn but he was too busy simping over bella to acknowledge her??? huh???

bella and a licensed therapist

edward and a licensed therapist

8. Character that deserves more development?

the whole entire wolf pack but wbk

more specifically, embry. whooooom is his father???

emmett. like we get it hes funny and hot but like……….spare depth maam? any spare depth????

9. Character who is your total opposite?

jasper bc he fought for people who look like me to be ENSLAVED and the fandom lets it slide for whatever reason :|

10. Character you warmed up to after experiencing the Renaissance?

edward, in some ways. i relate to him when im feeling extra self-loathing but then i get over it lmao. he’s still stupid tho

i used to think alice was annoying af (and i still kinda do tbh) but as a fashion hoe, i get it

charlie, sorta, even tho he’s a cop. i wasnt there for the original conversation on here but do yall think he supports black lives matter? idk tbh but we’ll never know bc smeyer probably doesnt know what police brutality is. anyways ive really enjoyed the discourse on his relationship with bella and how he doesnt trust edward

jacob <3 he’s always been my heart, my soul, my baby, my fuckin cinnamon apple, etc. but i love the posts that other fans/nonhaters have been making abt how warm and kind he was before smeyer fucked him over and how he deserves so much better. its like yes im glad youre seeing all the things that make me a team jacob thot :)

idk if yall have already been tagged but im tagging @howlonghaveyoubeenseventeen @leahclearwaterdefensesquad @leahclearvvater and @bellas-dumptruck-ass! also anyone can fill this out and say i tagged them <3

#this took 3 times to post bc tumblr stays on my neck but #ask things #twilight saga #twilight renaissance #hot takes

[assless-chapstick]

This is me sending myself an ask… because I am boredt and my teeth hurt and I want to lay in bed….

So I ask myself … how are the Couch AU boys coping with the COVID19 lockdown??? Are they ok??

Tbh I think Charles and John are taking it harder than Arthur and Javi. Like, Arthur and Javier are a little more stable, a little more mentally well/neurotypical, and while everyone is finding it hard, I think Charles and John are struggling more than average.

Charles practically lives at John and Arthurs place, so he’s locked down over there; half his stuff is over there already, and while it might be a little crowded, it’s better than him being alone at his place. He doesn’t have any roommates and he needs to have someone around to help with the anxiety and keep him on a schedule. With Arthur around, he doesn’t sink completely into a depression. Sure, he’s finding it hard to focus and stay motivated and he spends a lot more time on the couch, napping and watching jeopardy and comfort-eating, but he’s not completely vacant and spending all day in bed, forgetting to shower or eat like he might if he was alone.

Arthur has a little gym/studio in the spare bedroom where he draws and does his fuckin bowflex or whatever, and they set Charles up there so he can get some studying done and continue to attend classes online. Charles is just finishing his first year of law school and he’s like, determined not to let this whole situation fuck up his academic career, even if he’s a little worried about it all…

Arthur is going a little stir-crazy; he works at an autobody shop, and they closed for a couple weeks at the beginning so he was out of work for a while. He was all “perfect I can work on my art,” but he’s so used to being super busy working two jobs and going to the gym and shit that having so much free time has been stressful to him. He processes a lot of feelings through anger, so the punching bag on the balcony has taken some pretty rough beatings the past couple weeks…

He’s back at work now, three days a week, so he’s feeling a little better… I think his biggest concern is money, cuz with reduced hours and all the cons he was planning to sell art at being cancelled, his income is reduced, and as a teen/early 20s he struggled a lot so that really scared him… But Dutch and Hosea aren’t too bad off and they’ll help out if he or John are ever in a pinch…

I think Arthur authors/creates a queer cowboy romance webcomic, so he’s been working on that a lot… he’s finally pages ahead and has some updates queued, so if he needs to be can afford to take a break for a week or two! He’s psyched about that. His patreon profits have gone down a little, but he’s got some loyal-ass fans and they’re really helping him thru it, too, I think… and he’s made some new merch for the first time in ages, and has had time to open up more commissions… He and Charles spend a lot of afternoons in the study, listening to Arthur’s vinyls and working together in silence …

So Arthur is doing ok, and Charles is pulling through, but John is having a… really rough go. For someone who seems really chaotic, John really really thrives when he had a routine and a set schedule, and with classes being moved online or canceled, he’s really struggling to keep a routine and as a result, his mental health is suffering. It also doesn’t help that he can’t leave the house and can’t see Javi, a major source of security for him. John runs to get his frustration out, and not feeling like it’s safe to go for a run has him feeling really bad.

He and Javi FaceTime every night, but it’s not the same and John is pretty miserable. He spends a lot of time in his room, music Loud, and he stops sleeping with any sort of regularity. The stress also makes his nightmares worse, I think, so he’s spending a lot more time avoiding sleep, which definitely makes him even bitchier than he would be otherwise. That and the situation have him really snappy, so there’s some Big Fights between him and Arthur; fights over nothing, fighting just to have something to do, to just feel something, because he’s angry with the situation and the feelings and everything… He’d just started to get his life on track and here it is, all out of order again. The uncertainty and instability are really unsettling for him.

I think John’s been seeing his therapist online, but it’s not the same, and he really hates it. In the first few weeks, things were all over the place and he forgot to take his meds and stuff… when Arthur noticed something was wrong, he kind of just started gently helping John remember to do things, just gently coaxing him and reminding him to take his pills, etc…

Like Arthur starts making meal at the same time every day, and cooks for all three of them so John remembers to eat… he makes coffee and sings when he makes breakfast to wake John up, and they watch movies and play boardgames and stuff after dinner, just to keep John on a little bit of a schedule. John usually goes to bed in his own room and climbs into Arthur and Charles’ later in the night, but during this whole thing, he starts going to bed with Arthur and Charles, and that helps too...

I think eventually he gets a little more used to it, once he gets back into a routine and then he’s still having trouble, but he’s doing better…

Javi lives in college dorms, so he’s moved back to living with his mum and his sister, which sucks, but that also means he can borrow his mum’s car… so when John is feeling really bad, one day, Javi throws his guitar in the trunk and goes to John and Arthurs place and stands under the balcony and plays all the dumb joke songs he’s written for John… songs called shit like “im sorry I backwashed in your redbull, flaquita” and “youre a pendejo but I love you anyway” and that cheers them both up…

Also, John makes up little care packages and has Arthur drop them off at Javi’s!! little doodles (John’s been practicing drawing but he’s like, crazy bad, just awful) and poems (marginally better, not great), their favourite snacks, little trinkets from around the house and stuff he picks up on his runs (once he starts going on runs again), and of course, of course, cuz he’s nasty, panties that he MAYBE wore on his run, for Javi to, y’know, do with what he will…

And of course they have a lot of phone sex, especially once John pulls it together a bit… at first he kind of went AWOL and didn’t talk to anyone, let his phone go dead and stuff, but he’s doing better now and now they’re… being quarantine horny …

Javi prefers regular voice phonesex, loves to call John up and tease his girl until John whines for him to stop, ask if John is touching himself when Javi can tell by the hitch of his breath that he is… Javi loves that, but not seeing one another, John insists they do videocalls, even if Javi is a little uncomfortable…

But it leads to some… fun roleplay … John pretends to be an innocent starlet trying to make it big, and Javi is a big-time director that keeps on pushing… “you look so good on camera, babe, but maybe take the bra off, let us see how those little titties of yours look? Don’t be shy, it’s all business, just want to see… grab them for me, that’s it, now show me that ass…”

And they also play like Javi is broadcasting the video to everyone, like all his friends can see what a whore Javi’s girl is, how he can suck that dildo like it was a real cock and how desperate he is for it… they pretend Javi is advertising John as if he’s a thing for sale, like Javi is booking John’s ass by the hour…. All “cmon baby, show them how greedy your pussy is, you’re gonna take so many cocks for me tonight, you’ll be leaking cum by the time they’re done with you, you’ll be so sore but you’ll do it for me, won’t you, flaca? Til you’re rubbed raw and then I’ll slide into your wet, gaping hole…”

And of course, of course, John BIG gets off on watching Javi jerk off into the panties he sends him… Javi maybe even… sniffs them, licks them a little, cuz he misses John so bad and he loves the way John looks in the pale yellow, lacy panties he’s got wrapped around his dick, loves the idea of coming in them and then making John put them back on,…

Aaaand that’s that on that, I think!! So thanks for reading, mister, if you’re still out there somewhere. I have dental surgery tomorrow and I’m more scared than a spider in a shoe factory, so please wish me some luck and send me some non-COVID related asks, iffin you’re feeling it!!

#the couch au #COVID19 mention

[thesoftestpunk]

Figured I would make a separate post so I don’t clog anyones dash. 

Thank you to @outer-space-beech for tagging!!!

1. What do you prefer to be called, name-wise?  Monty but if we wanna get fancy, Montgomery

2. When is your birthday? June 22!

3. Where do you live? Actually moving to Nashville soon 

4. Three things you are doing right now? Watching rupaul drag race w my sib, eating dinner and still cringing about my post surgery checkup

5. Four fandoms that have piqued your interest right now? Always low-key into spiderman, prodigal son, anything Taron related lmao and probably derry girls??

6. Hows the pandemic treating you? I really wasn’t doing anything in the beginning then I was helping my mom at work and her boss started paying me bc it was so much paperwork and now I’m goin to culinary school in a month or so

7. A song you can’t stop listening to right now. Oh geez, I’m not really a only listen to one song person so an album I’m listening to a lot rn is Half Alives new album

8. Recommend a movie. I cannot recommend this enough: The Man from Uncle

9. How old are you? 21 on monday!

10. School, university, occupation, other? Tried college, it sucked. Working at a local pest control business bc my moms boss brought in a sales team in May and we got like over 400 new customers or something so on top of her everyday work, she couldn't file the new stuff.

11. Do you prefer hot or cold? Cold! I mean realistically, in between but

12. Name one thing others may not know about you? I asked my sib and they said to tell the story about how I had my first panic attack bc I pooped too hard and pinched something that usually makes people pass out. I mean, that’s kinda the whole story but I guess my anxiety really developed then too... (i really hate this story)

13. Are you shy? Um, fuck yeah

14. Do you have any preferred pronouns? She/her mostly but you can call me anything and I’ll be happy

15. Any pet peeves? People who save their mess for when they're done cleaning/baking instead of cleaning along the way! Can feet as a whole be a pet peeve to?

16. What are your hobbies? Writing, reading, baking mostly. I’ll dabble in any art thing I’m feeling at the time. 

17. Rate your life on a scale of 1-10, 1 being the worse and 10 being the best. Honestly, it’s like a 2 or 3 since starting new meds and planning out my future w my therapist

18. What’s your main blog? This blog!

19. List your side blogs and what they’re used for. I don’t have any. My main is just a clusterfuck of everything I love

20. Is there anything people need to know about you before they become friends with you? I can be controlling when I’m stressed but when I say I’m gonna be there for you forever I fuckin mean it. I’ve had several friends I’ve broken up w and they came to me for advice or comfort years later and I’ll be there for them. Just stash that bad shit away. 

I’m tagging @wildly-lost-lantern @dirtielemon and any other mutual I have that wants to do this <3

#monty says #tag game #about me #????

[fairycosmos]

was not tryna give a part 3 omg but i feel like my mom is just tired of me. i know she is. she barely comes home anymore n whenever i try to spend time with her she acts like it’s a task, like she’s being forced. & in ways she makes me feel bad for talking or anything but i just miss her. i miss everyone. my mom & i never had a good relationship but she’s what keeps me here & i just feel like i have nothing sometimes. my heart just hurts more than i can say. thank u for listening, ur an angel 🥺

hi bby :(( thank you for being so honest and open w me, it really is something to be proud of and is also proof that you are genuinely more capable of this than you think !! which seems like bullshit but it's not !! honestly the worst thing about treating your mental health is the amount of trial and error involved. you have to find that specifically works for you in exactly the right way. it's annoying, and you have every right to be frustrated. sometimes it can make you feel like giving up completely, because it's just so exhausting, and that's ok. as long as you understand the difference between having an urge and acting on it. the prospect of a new therapist is totally daunting but at the same time, you are allowed to set boundaries and take it at your own pace. if you do your best to explain how mentally tired you are, and that you want to take it slow, they will generally respect that. the thing about therapy is that you just don't know how it's going to go until you're there. sometimes you surprise yourself. sometimes it all just comes spilling out. sometimes you clam up. and all of it, all of it a natural part of the process. i mean this in the least patronising way, you are so strong for picking yourself up every time, for continuing to try. you may feel like your brain is totally fried right now but when push comes to shove, you are so much more than you realize.

as for school, jesus, that just be so nerve wracking and i don't blame you for being a bit scared at at all. the few weeks before you begin is always the worst part because your mind sort of runs wild with possibilities. but always try to remember that anxiety job is literally to take situations and warp them into something they're not based on fear and trepidation. in reality you have no idea what's going to happen and a middle ground, average result is always the most likely outcome anyway. take a breath. i get that logically knowing things doesn't help much with mental illness but it always helps to ground yourself. bottom line is, you will adapt and grow with the new environment even if you don't think you will. it's inevitable. you will find your routine and your mundanity again, and all of it will become second nature. even if there's a few awkward moments, even if you struggle a little at first. most people do. as long as you understand that there is always help available, always other options, and you are never trapped or totally stuck in a situation no matter how much your brain tries to convince you that you are. if your schoolwork gets on top of you, you CAN take a step back for the sake of your mental health, even if adults whine about it. if you don't know how to talk to people, learn by example and keep in mind that they're probably perceiving you better than you perceive yourself. like with therapy, let school integrate into your life at its own pace. half the battle is honestly just showing up. unfortunately all of this fear is where the growth happens. it's very normal to want to go back into hospital, to want to avoid reality, but there is no life waiting for you there. this is something i find very hard to come to terms with myself. you have to get up and touch the tangibility and live in it with everyone else. and you are, you're doing it as we speak, and that genuinely counts for so much dude. i can't stress that enough. these periods of loneliness and isolation are absolutely horrible and i don't really know the answer to them to be honest, but i do know that they are often periods of massive self growth, and they can end just as aprubtly as theuy begin. you are deserving of companionship and love, and just because it's hard to find doesn't mean it's not out there for you. in so many forms, over and over again, you will feel it. it's not as far fetched as your anxiety wants you to believe. where you're at right now isn't where you'll always be, and new beginnings are proof of that.

about your mum, god i'm so sorry she's been making you feel that way?? i can't tell you how much i relate and how much it hurt me when i was younger, and i promise you're absolutely not alone in feeling this way. so many people can and do understand, and that goes for all of this - the mental illness, the therapy stress, the fear and annoyance of starting anew. complexes caused by negative parental relationships are always so hard to heal from because they're so deeply rooted within, but i need you to try to understand that your worth does not lie in your mother and you can not force her to be mature, to to understand if she's so insistent on misunderstanding. it's one of the fuckin hardest lessons to learn and i don't know if the pain ever stops from it (though it definitely settles and becomes more manageable), but there is a point in every kids life where they just realize their parents are wrong. they're ignorant, or they're obtuse, or they're mean - and that is on them. it is a reflection of them and that is it, there's nothing else to it. of course you shouldn't have to deal with it at all, but it is not caused by you no matter how much it feels like it is, angel. your mental illness is harder for you to put up with than it is for her to witness and if she can't accept that, she's fucked. idk the details of your relationship with her, and maybe even if you sit her down and force her to listen, something will click. it's not an impossibility and i sure hope it happens, but if it doesn't i promise there are so so so sooo many other avenues of support out there. and your parents are truly not the beginning and end of the world. one day, sooner than you think, you are going to live a life divorced of her opinions, and even better, you won't feel such a craving to hear them. you will be in control of your own environment and mental well being and it will not be anything like what you're expecting. that's a guarantee, something you can always rely on. i know words are pointless, i know they're empty to you. and i know i can't make you see your situation the way i do, obviously. but i really hope you can take the time to find the ment clarity to examine why you're so averse to accepting the positive, what you can do to help yourself, and whether or not your anxieties are rooted in rationality of not. there's seriously so many ways to battle and to overcome the shit you're going through and it only feels so chaotic at the moment because you're in the midst of finding your feet. think back to when you first went into hospital, and how foreign everything felt, and how you got through it a day at a time. you didn't confront all that for nothing. you are so much more resilient than you realize and i wholeheartedly believe that. i'm assuming you're still very young, and so even the natural growth and development of your life is going to afford you so many answers and so much relief, though of course there will always be new questions and things to fight. but the bottom is you've got time, and if you have to take this one step at a time, or one hour at a time, or even a minute at a time - you can. you are okay. some days are rough but they do not negate your progress. so take a breath and try to identify what it is you need (e.g to talk to your parents, to be honest with the professionals in your life, to incorporate coping mechanisms into your daily routine so you feel less overwhelmed about school etc) and let that be good enough, because it is. i'm infinitely proud of you for being here and i know the hurt and the loneliness is a total tidal wave right now but it will it always be, and that's a certainty, unlike your fears. i really hope you find some peace of mind soon and that your mum heard you out. if you want to talk about this properly or if you need a friend i will be here. sending love and warmth to u dude. message me anytime.

#anon #long post

[loghainmactir]

hewwo! i was wondering if u could pls give me some advice on starting my transition? ive been so scared to start bc of family and costs but ive decided to just. do it. yknow? like if i don't ill probably die lol. u look amazing and rly confident in yourself in all ur selfies and one day i wanna be Like That ✌️❤️

hi! ok, so first of all: yeah, i absolutely can give u advice, and second of all: i remember feeling exactly like you did. it literally wasn’t that long ago, either, it was like. 2013/14/15 (i can’t remember, time is fake, whatever lmao!). third of all: bless u yr so sweet. i still have a lotta issues with confidence (i doubt myself, my talent and what i can do literally hourly), but honestly? i love my body right now. it’s a good, genderless body, goddamnit.

long, long post ahead bc i’m trying to think of things i did and good god please take it with a grain of salt because a lot of this is just me ranting about things i wish I’D done in my own position. i’m also coming from a place where HRT and surgeries AREN’T free, so that’s also A Thing. everyone’s experience is different.

transitioning (particularly medically) really super fuckin varies country by country (and honestly probably even state by state, age by age and fuckin gender by gender because cis people won’t let us fucking BE goddamn): i don’t know where you are, so my only tips there r: find a trans friendly doctor/endo (i was kinda forced to go through a hospital bc That Was How It Was here in good ol’ Australia), and one people wholeheartedly recommend, if you wanna go that route.

my first point is make sure you find safe spaces in every goddamn aspect of your transition. medically, socially, physically. if you think your doctor is refusing you treatment or is discriminating against you, you NEED to ditch that doctor. if your friends and family are really verbally or physically violent against LGBT folks, you NEED to leave that space if you can (or not come out and wait until you can leave. seriously. i’m kinda lucky– my grandma was verbally violent against LGBT folks, and initially my mum was skepitcal, but i convinced them both to go to a group for LGBT+ parents and friends and they slowly turned around). get yourself friends, get yourself allies.

i cannot stress that enough. my first doctor refused to send my referral letter to the royal children’s hospital gender clinic because even tho he presented as a “nice” guy, he believed that because this was “”””out of the blue”””” for me, he figured he’d just Not Send It (and tried to tell me that a lotta kids there didn’t actually helpo, lol). so there i was, a young 15-16 year old alister, waiting like 2-3 months for something that didn’t even get fucking sent.

join trans groups on facebook and in real life. seriously, they’re a godsend; there’s buy-and-sells, advice posts, encouragement posts. ESPECIALLY local ones. most of them on facebook are private, meaning no one can see if you’re posting/in the group, and it’s easy to check if they’re not. these fb pages + local groups are good ways to find trans friendly spaces and doctors. i found my current doctor, who’s actually one of the very few doctors who knows what the fuck he’s on about re: trans people, through a real life trans group. they were like “oh, you should see x”, and even though he’s about 30-40 minutes away from me, he’s brilliant and honestly saved my life.

along those lines: figure out what you want from your transition, and then realize & accept that this may change (and it also may not change!). very early on, i was super insistent that i wanted phalloplasty and to wear packers, and now i couldn’t care less. at first, i identified as agender, and then as a trans guy/ftm, and now i identify as a Black Hole (i’m kidding, don’t @ me). like, a lotta people DON’T change their minds. but i did, some people do, and it shouldn’t be anyone’s business but your own what you want to do with your body 

(sidenote: this also goes for detransitioning or stopping medical transition but continuing to socially transition/present differently. literally, it’s fine. it’s your body. fuck anyone who says otherwise.)

again: FUCK ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE.

your body is literally your body. do NOT let anyone tell you what to do with it or who you are. i had people very early on scream at me (legitimately scream and throw me out of home, thanks grandma), tell me i wasn’t actually trans, and harrass me for this shit: but frankly, if i’d put myself back in the closet, i wouldn’t be alive right now. i would’ve killed myself years ago, and i wish i wasn’t kidding. if it’s safe, you need to stand up for your own body and your rights and put yourself somewhere that will allow you to follow through. you need to keep going and keep living.

my only other two pieces of advice are “patience, baby”– like, for real, every single part of transition takes time. this varies from where you are and who’s supporting you, but it’s generally true. it takes time for people to accept new names and pronouns 

(lotta people get furious about this, and i used to be one of those people, but hindsight’s a bitch and you gotta realize that… like, it’s hard for some cis people. you gotta give them a little bit of wiggle room, especially if they’ve never ever met a trans person before. it’s about reminders, reminders, reminders: which is SO hard if you’re not safe/don’t have the confidence. there IS a flip side to this though: if chad and stacey have known your new pronouns for months, now, and they keep “””slipping””” up, they’re not slipping up, honey. they’re doing it on purpose. kick their teeth in i’m kidding please don’t do this you know what i mean.)

it takes time for HRT to kick in. it takes time to gather a Look™ of your own you like, it takes time to build confidence to even tell people, it takes time to save up money for surgeries and it just… takes time. sometimes because it’s a naturally slow process, sometimes because cis people are Cis People and like to gatekeep. i remember being very young in my transition, sitting in the car after one of my appointments with the afformentioned shithead doctor bawling my eyes out because he’d told me i wouldn’t be able to access t for x amount of time and it was bullshit. this year i’ll be 2 years on t. wild, huh? there’s a lot of us and not equal amounts of resources (ESPECIALLY in public systems) depending on where you are, so you gotta be prepared to WAIT.

i’ll tell you what super helped me through those years: hyping myself up for other things! i still have the ticket from my first twenty one pilots show. that show meant SO much to me. i cried all through it, because waiting for that show kept my mind off of the wait for my royal children’s appointments (and even waiting to go up to melbourne bc my mum and i would go and get kebabs was a good thing to focus on!). keep things that aren’t trans related on hand (seriously i struggled with this because dysphoria and shit is fucking hard!! it’s easy to say but really fucking hard to put into practice).

(one day i’m gonna tell tyler and josh just how much they saved my goddamn life. i know they hear it weekly, but i will.)

my other thing is that uh. it won’t solve all your problems especially if you’ve got mental illnesses. this is a really fuckin depressing thing i had to drill into my brain, but it really helped. transitioning solved SO many of my issues. i no longer have back issues (thanks, like, literal kilo titties, lmao), i no longer have sore ribs and i can breathe and wear shirts. i lost so much weight (and am kinda gaining it back, but whatever). i no longer have anxiety about whether people can tell i’m binding– which is WILD because i used to stress the fuck out about it to the point where i never went out anywhere. i used to sit on the bus wondering if the person next to me could tell i had titties. now it literally doesn’t even register.

my issues now stem from PTSD, depression, BPD and ADHD. how do you fix this? you don’t. but what HAS helped is finding a therapist who won’t pressure you into talking about trans shit. lemme tell you: this shit gets exhausting after the fifth time of “oh i googled ‘can you become a boy’ when i was, like, nine” (this is my go to story because this memory is so vivid). of course, there’s gonna be moments where you HAVE to: my therapist recently actively asked me to briefly run through it for my PTSD report. but otherwise we literally haven’t talked about it and that is a GODSEND (because i don’t need it. if you need it, that’s good, too!). having a therapist that you can just wordvomit at wrt anything is literally the best thing and can be super helpful– seriously, there were a few trans-related sessions where i just snarled about the bullshit gatekeeping and the bastard i had to see for my therapist letter (oooh, every time i think abt the fact that it was something like $400-500 for two fucking sessions i get so mad lol), but outta 14 it’s really only like 2-3 of them.

but yeah. that’s it. i dunno, these are things that i’ve learnt and sorta… like to think as helpful for myself. of course, this could be different for you: you’re not me, you’re entirely different, in no doubt an entirely different country, social, financial, mental state. i was FUCKED UP when i first came out. i didn’t know that then, but i do now. i spent a lotta time by myself and that’s not healthy, so i really encourage you to reach out to our community, local and worldly, because oh my god, we’re here for you. we are SO here for you.

#long post #sorry if you need this formatted for ease of reading please shout at me. i really word vomited all over this #my transition #trans #anon #asks #iodk what else to tag this as

[xz017]

.

oof. okay so imma do the latest tea???

got out of shower to hear my mum talkin to Agnes spillin the tea abt their friend/coworker

the one with that Kid my mum wanted to have a playdate with or whatever the annoyingly studious and clearskinned halfasian lookin girl i really envied.

her mum has a live in boyfriend who is basically like...an alcoholic mental case rip god i hate alcohol and i hate people who drink it like i only do it so i hate myself more and die but like this guy basically playin with knives n guns in the house and the kid who is like 19 idk why im callin her kid is so Over it like apparently she hasn’t been coming home and like

basically me in 2016 era when my mum was too generous n Helpful lettin ppl back into our lives and our House so i spent christmas morning 5am walkin in the cold n watchin 3 films until it got dark and stuff like that

girl be actin homeless---mood

so it came to a head today so Agnes is spillin the tea n her husband in the bg(omg it weird hearin him rip he was my military hs instructor wild) n my mUM is so selfrighteous n mad like

‘blablahblah well rosalie is being dumb she should put her daughter first she being sick in the head it her Choice’

n im like eavesdroppin havin warflashbacks of the dumb hypocrisy she has DOne lmao

‘has she no thought like what if Tyler gets raped/sexually abused by that man she’d let her daughter be in that environment???’

i mean it wouldnt be fair of me to be like...eyemoji on this cos she technically doesn’t know? but 19 may 2018 never4get lmao

anyway so my mum’s like our room is for rent and it’ll be far cheaper they dont even have to pay rn!!!

cue me being like...um...Money...generosity...i dont...LIke

i was conflicted here like idk i met the girl like 3-5 times im envious of her work ethic n her better asian disposition than mine cos she obviously prettier but she has better prospects and that’d suck if her life be like that

but also??? like...life be like that it was like that to me like who saved me????????????????????? 

um...no one

like why is that on me or US TO BE NICE n helpful im so tired like damn which is relevant to the next point anyway

cos earlier had a convo with my mum i was eyemojing healthcare profs i was like ‘pls stop bein on ye phone pls tell me info on ye opinion on respiratory therapists...what abt PA’

n deadass she be eyemojing me like STICK TO YOUR COURSE

n i was like...-ugly pleadin emoji eyes- n i was tryin to explain that i didn’t want to be so focused on one thing that if i decide this medical thing is what i want to pursue i’d need 1-2 years just for the PREREQS which is like 5 classes and 1000 clinical hours or minimum 6 month healthcare paid job. like if i decide i want to go to school for that i already have the Stuff and just Apply.

n she was like...you had your chance i bothered you to be a nurse a few years ago you were stubborn if you did as i said you’d be earning good money now but you wasted time

n i was like...oof i can’t say anything to that it’s tru. it real life tea it fax i wasted time n im old n im ruunnin out of time i hate myself alot i hate hate hate

and idk we got to talkin abt money n life cos she was like you have to find something you can learn to LOve

n i was like??? WHY I GOTTA SETTLE N FOOL MYSELF TO DO SO im super annoyed abt that mindset

cos the thing about a bloody Arts degree is there’s too fuckin many broad possibilities n they all aint even that good. like deadass if i was a STEM major ugh like if i was a Bio major prospects are so clear: forensics, research, premed,labtech. Meanwhile polsci for example: uhhh teacher? prelaw? politician? uhhh government work? n there’s like 111 different subdivisions of that n it’s like??? wat the fuck

deadass what am i gonna do with international security is that even gonna pay well like...the fuck do i know is it relevant ??? Doubts

n she was all like...PEOPLE JUST GOTTA DO WHAT THEY HAVE TO TO SURVIVE YOU GOTTA FIND YOURS N STICK WITH IT

n i was lowkey panique n frustrated cos i really REALLY hate being stuck in 1 ting n im like i HAD ACTING YOU SAID NO

n she was like pFF i wanted you to have something REAL cos if you dont make it in acting you’d be on the STREETS

n i was like...lmao lil did she know imma be on the streets next year smh this year actually

n she was like talkin abt the harsh reality of the workforce and how you gotta make do at how ppl treat you (patients) n how you might not even like your coworkers but you gotta deal with it because that’s what ppl do to survive

n she was talkin abt undeserving patients with no healthcare n i was like did you just hear yourself so you want them to die cos they dont got money and she was like 

no??? why get hooked up in the ICU when you’re braindead wasting government money taxes we payed for you don’t understand cos you dont have a job and dont get your salary cut cos of taxes and these people come in acting like they got something to give when they yell at your face acting like they know what they’re talking about they act entitled when they have nothing homeless ppl getting money and illegal immigrants are selfish bringing their kids to be hurt here

n im like...theyre life is ...shitty what are you talkin about n she was like so? why dont they stay and make it better??? one of my very first patients asked me why i was in america and i said i come from a poor country and they said why didn’t you stay and try to make it better? and i couldn’t say anything cos u know what they were right why dont illegal immigrants do that??? n im like...

cos theyre literally...RUNNIN and they want ppl they care abt i.e. children to be far away from that as soon as possible bruh ye think imma wait for change deadass there a reason why we suffer duterte he actually get shit done??? we dont have to wait for change the same way ppl who speak nice n are polite do but is stuck with bureaucracy and lowkey bein corrupt deadass stay in ye lane

n she’s like well i hope you’re right im done bein an idealist im a realist now i believed in good i wanted to help the world now no more

n im like...no you’re not a realist, you’ve just been hangin out with a republican

and she gave me a sideeye 

but deadass im ...scared like i really hate the empathy because when she was being serious n talkin n being honest abt things for once i started to unwillingly see things from her point of view i really felt it n i was scared i’ll be like that im scared she’s right

im scared i’ll end up Real n selfish like...i already am ? n bitter? like i care about so very few Personally and am willin to let others suffer to keep it safe n prioritised?

im scared.

like especially with racism all these years my mum’s been telling me it’s not that im racist just wait til you work with them they act so entitles and loud and make everything about race

n i almost told Her abt it earlier i skyped w her earlier we had a tea spillin moment about our ethnic relations bein racist but then idk we talked alot i guess the text got buried or unseen

like i said i was scared n didn’t get to unpack it like im scared because ive been livin with my roomate and like...ive been excusing it as a personality thing and that if it were anyone else different skin colour id still hate them just the same which i still maintain is true but like?

my RM is loud n she makes everything abt race like deadass me n my FM be just eating dinner and she passes by us and goes on a rant about harvard asians being a Blok to black ppl from getting There n im like...im tryna have dinner so i can get energy to deal with this stressful ass school

n she always talks like she knows what she’s talking about like ‘jewish ppl control the federal bank’ n im like...it 1am in the dark quiet of our shared room deadass i dont wanna tell the binch thats antisemitism cos she gonna be like im black how can i be racist smh

im!!! scared alright like i hate my roomate for proving my mum right when i try so hard to set things right like maybe that’s why i dont tell anyone about my situation other than Her. i never told my parents about the berkeley livin situation they already warn me enough to be careful n i just keep tellin them thats racist

i have so much........THOUGHTS n........DILEMMAS...n FEARS but like i just have this blog i cant trust anyone else to talk abt it n the only person i am willing to talk to abt it will be busy and im so ashamed abt these things but she was so sweet about givin me the heads up about her schedule 

like i hated that i had to get an ugly ass haircut today cos she came back to me n we couldve talked so i guess rip she was complacent n did stuff cos she replied late from then on like that dumbass haircut was 15 minutes ugh. our talkin pattern today was like...dashed lines timereply wise? i asked her if she packed earlier (pre haircut)n she said yes but rip a few hours later she was like...I need to pack 

wat is the truth rip

the tablet bein emo like...mood but my child rip.

my love be packin n spendin time with fam before leavin for london tomorrow

n even after that she doin...Stuff. rip.

which is ye know good for her rip.

i just hope she dont go iceskatin deadass one slip n she can crack her head open or break her neck or paralyse her spine like...??? why do humans wanna do dumb activities

like omg she admitted to me today she a serial jaywalker and WORSE with music n headphones like

binch thats why i didnt wanna enable you further by gettin ye airpods deadass bye

n she was like??? tryna equate it with my risky risk like ummm

mine is for science n validity

hers is just carelessness n chosin lazy convenience over idk...the responsibility of self vigilance like...

bruh ppl shouldnt promise someone 91 years if they be continuin to do dumb stuff consciously oof rip

but other than that like...im...really proud of this resolution she be undertakin officially on the 14th?

im nervous abt it cos i really want it for her too. i want her to get the proper sleep n i always hated her givin excuses like ‘IM FINE ON 4 HOURS OF SLEEP’ ‘I NAPPED 3 HOURS 38293820 HOURS AGO IM FINE I MADE UP FOR IT’ um...blokt. get proper sleep binch i love you tf???

prioritise work cos ye gonna regret not givin it yer all??? n ye payin for this???

what fun??? we capitalists now we want that money rip.

i see that shift you know rip i saw it comin a year ago.

that dont mean we republicans rip we still care about others n the inequality? but like i foresaw us getting acquainted with the harsh reality of the world n how difficult it is to get a job--which she experienced along the way.

n rip she wants many things bookmarkin them n honestly same rip

i want a stable warm home for this family n a shiny diamond to get disassociated by extra im a simple man

meanin im selfish n im ready to prioritise meanin im ready to make the choice for others to fall apart/behind if it means puttin This first rip

god pls dont make me a republican this so ugly

# 1 she’d hate me #2 i’d hate me

now im sad

im dead.

omg rip earlier too as she said goodbye i told her i loved her and she was like ‘i love you more’

DEADASS I WAS LIKE LMAO!!! girL i dont think you understand im literally Ready to put you and our possible future First like...im not messin around what skitrips with rich ppl what friends my love is potent n extreme n COncentrated like im sorry ik you feel love for me but you cant top This rip she not ready 

like the um ‘partially wanna make my life’s work abt knowin what might hurt n kill ye so i can kill it first or blok it well’ kinda love

the ‘im already savin for at least HALF a first month deposit in an overpriced london in case you wanna settle down wit me Mayhaps n im not touching it for ANYTHING’ kinda love

the ‘im thinking of a winter home in the tropics so you suffer less n im plannin the floorplans already rip just in case’ kinda extraness

but anyways the gall of this cute lovely human rip ‘i love you more’ ummm try Again smh

bruh i love her too much i bet that’s scary for her rip it might be a Burden tbh she so young rip 

meanwhile im old n ready to rot but like...

i wanna be mortal wit ye before i do

but ye know wat lads i saw myself in the mirror today like 5 times OOF. this meatform...keepin me...Humble. 

bitter but like...humble

‘like of course sHe not ready not only is my personality like dis but also...my outward form how could she introduce me as a Spouse’

‘wow i look like that oof it good i remembered i am undeservin of full intense love like in the films n fanfiction they always between attractive ppl after all it only 1/2 it not Equal’

‘wow bruh ye really upset she spendin time n resources elsewhere when you be lookin like That? ye dont have much to offer bro take the L’

oof so that’s the personal tea i can think of?

had a meghan marke talk rip i can’t believe i was right??? i had twin vibes!!! but i was hoping for like a variety situation rip im worried a lil abt the whole birthin Late ting but she can afford the highest care rip it fine she rich.

my love was talkin abt how pretty MM was n i was like rip is she triggerin Her a lil rip worrirooni

rip speakin of babies like she was showin me this smol gummybear n im like same das me heart n she was like :( n i was like it only fits you

n she was like so no children then:(

n i was like!!! rip if it Ours of course that Counts n i was a lil shook like rip she said she didn’t want them Really so i always get guilty when i talk abt the future or realise i mentioned kids or carelessly name drop Hyaline n Benzion like...im dead rn just typin that like what if she read this big shame bro

but ye know what this is already long n she gonna be busy maybe that’s the key. TOo Much puts ppl OFF so ye mayhaps we sneaky ! ?

anyway i was tryin to get her thoughts on it rip but like she was all iDK ASK ME IN 13 Yrs n i was like...

sighemoji + sandemoji + resignedemoji

rip we talked FAaC a lil. cos she Dared!!! to liken me to her brother just cos i showed her my cheap youth boy shoes smh

At first i was super offended n disgusted but then i was like rip eyemoji if ye into that

then she was like ew nO

then i was like um ye already play the ‘daddy u like me young huh’ card

which is like idk is like technically? joking but it’s like that post ye know abt ppl bein ‘whether or not im actually jokin or flirtin depends if you into it’ but also like schrodingers racism like ‘it was a joke bro!!!’ but they actually bigots.

so it DIFFICULT for my brain to Confirm rip like...eyemoji what is the truth

but like??? im rip. willin. rip. to. rip. Try. rip.?

really i am rip. it Her. bruh. im only hopin she dont have a golden shower kink but. trust i...Will follow thru.

nO IM REMEMBERIN THE DOO DOO POST DESPAIR

rip anyway that whole thing reminded me of FAaC origins which was porn n then somehow sHe was like imagine if egggsy was a singer he’d sing like ‘age is just a number’ shit n i SPILLED THE TEA ABOUT A TING IN PT 3 im so weak sand

i miss the gays

i wanna give them justice n happiness but the 2027 excuse is rl nice for my ugly procrastination issues oof but i wish them well

add: rip had another talk with my mum i really wanted her to understand my thought process about wanting to get the prereqs for medtraining done beforehand

n she was like...I UNderstand but Normal people--

n i was like ‘IM NOT NORMAL I DONT KNOW HOW TO CHOOSE I HAVE NO IDENTITY’

n she’s just like SHOOKE n mad n clearly dont understand that im fukt up in the head ‘...IC AN’T BELIEVE YOU!!! iF YOU’RE ABNORMAL YOU WONT GET HIRED N YOU WONT HAVE A NICE JOB’

n im like...well i mean what can i say to that it’s not like it’s not tru rip

Big sand honestly.

it gonna be a long few days imma do my best to leave her alone she needs her time rip i love her so much rip sand

i feel like a dumb ugly dog god fljækadfkøad h8

#personal tea #read more only #entry

[witchyinthekitchen]

This is a Vent Post about my Mother, Please do not reblog

This post is probably gunna be all over the place/time with things that I can remember/recall so bear with me here.

-Being told to make my own food bc mom was too busy with brand new baby (I was between 5-6 so poptarts were about all i could manage. I'd asked for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.) (my brother was a VERY finniky baby. If you weren't holding him he'd scream till his face went purple.))

-Tried to share interests in Anime/manga with her, when I asked her what she felt about it she said she couldn’t get into it and that it felt like a chore. (13-15 ish)

-Told her I needed therapy bc I was having suicidal thoughts. She took me, but then took me out once I started getting upset about the things i’d been talking about in therapy with my therapist because I'd come home in a bad mood.(15-16 ish)

-Went to Mother Daughter Group Therapy with her (there were other mother daughter combos) and she stormed out in the middle of it saying that we were only attacking her and not my dad too. (was 15-16 ish)

-Got into an argument about who i was voting for in the 2016 election while on vacation at Disney World (Hint it wasn't Trump like she wanted)(24 ish)

-Tried to gaslight me about trying to get everyone together to talk wedding stuff saying how she tried but that it all fell apart. (I have texts of her canceling it the day before we were all supposed to get together.)(26)

-Gets super defensive/upset any time I talk about “other mothers” in my life (MIL, BM)

-Has been super hot and cold with me during wedding planning and making passive aggressive comments about everything: Tell him to buy new pants for the engagement shoot 'bc I dont want him wearing baggy clothes -SO's Lost over 20lbs+ for the wedding and i'm so fuckin proud of him- “I don’t want to pay for hard alcohol for SO and his friends to drink at the wedding.” As if ½ the people invited weren’t all just her friends? ((All our friends live out of state/country so half the wedding is family and HER friends/neighbors.)) "I’m sure H*(SIL) and K*(MIL) have good counsel for you on _____," (Why would you say this when i'm asking for YOUR opinion? If i wanted their opinion i'd ask them.)

-4 months before the wedding she’s trying to talk me out of my venue saying we need to go look at the ones SO and MIL had suggested.

-Wants me to keep (BM)'s relation to me a secret even though i’m pretty sure 85% of the people who know me and are coming to my wedding know i'm adopted.

-Angry that I was moving out of the house at 21 with my SO she told his mother she hoped we’d fail. (In her defense she'd just been diagnosed with breast cancer and I'd done poorly in my last semester of college so parents thought it would be a good idea to take me out of college for a semester so i could live at home and basically be at my moms beck and call while also being expected to work 2 jobs (they'd told me the instant that the semester was over that i was expected to work 2 jobs) -That's at least how I was viewing that whole situation before I moved out- )

-As a kid I remember wanting to run away a lot. (Never away to a friends house but always to a park to live under a bridge like the goblin I am (lol)) (is it obvious I use self depreciating humor to get through things that I'm uncomfortable with? haha)

-I'd always hide things from her, even small things like a puzzle book i'd bought myself from the elementary school book fairs. i even began writing my diaries in code so she couldn't read them. Not that i ever caught her reading my diaries or what not but thats how afraid i was.

-The only things that stopped me from killing myself was the distressing thought that my mother would be more upset with blood on the floor than me being gone. (It was a constant worry of mine when I was having ideations.)

-When i was getting close to graduating high school the librarians told me they had a bunch of excess old books they were getting rid of and one of them happened to be the "Toxic Parents" book i've seen several other posts refer to. I took no other books besides that one. I hid that from her too. Looking back through it i remember there was a checklist in the book and i'd filled some of it out when i was younger. I most definitely am a people pleaser.

-We've never really been able to "talk" about things together like how my dad and i do and i think she's really jealous about it.

-The only way I feel comfortable talking to her is Via Email/Text because then that way i have a copy of all the things she's said. because i often forget things. (I honestly don't know how bad my memory is or if its gaslighting but i hope its just me being forgetful and not the latter...)

-I literally cannot let my SO do the dishes because my Mom would always do the dishes/clean when she was mad and bang pots around loudly and just even those sounds set me on edge.

-Her telling me that the careers i wanted to get into (IE: the Arts/Theater/Music) wouldn't make enough money and that they'd be fine as Hobbies but not as careers.

-She's continually trying to push me into a Customer Service Job because i'm so good at making other people happy. (talked to dad about this and he says i'm a very big people pleaser who doesn't like conflicts -cue nervous laughter about wedding planning-)

-Being around her for long periods of time is so physically/emotionally draining. I know that's probably a result of always being on edge with her and I always feel bad that I feel that way.

-Because she's said she hoped I'd fail (me and my So when I first moved out) I'm terrified of telling her anything personal going on in my life for fear that she'd take it out on me or use it against me (i got super anxious/scared when she came up to see me on my end of town once because we'd be stopping at the mall where i used to work and i hadn't yet told her that I'd quit that job.)

-I want to have a relationship with her. I want us to do fun Mom& Daughter things but at the same time I'm scared of letting her get too close to me again just to have it fall apart again.

-When I moved out (21) i went VLC with my whole family before i even knew what VLC was. I barely saw them (except for certain holidays/events.) I didn't talk to my dad for about 3 years because of this and am just now recovering that relationship with him (been 5 years now since I moved out)

-After I get married my plan is to move to CO. During that time i don't remember if my mom has mentioned if she'd miss me, but i do recall she has made multiple points to tell me that my dad says he would miss me.

-I had to beg for a 16th Birthday Party. She finally caved half a year later after I'd talked to my Therapist about it.

-pretty sure i'm the SG of the family (possibly Cousin 1 being the GC because she went to same University my mom did)

-Other family members on her side have stepped in to provide financial help to me on the promise that i wouldn't tell anyone. (probably to stop any gossip of favoritism)

I Don't know if she's an N or just really bad at expressing herself but her hot and cold attitude really sets off my anxiety that i've done something to piss her off and that she won't talk to me about it for a few weeks and then acts as though nothing is wrong/nothing happened. Planning my wedding is the MOST contact we've had in 5 years since i moved out and went VLC and i've been trying to use this as a way to bond with her better but anytime i think i'm getting somewhere Something happens and she's upset again. A phrase i've found myself come into saying recently is "I can't fix something that I don't know is wrong." So i've tried to take that approach when it comes to her. I know she's an adult and can choose for herself if she wants to talk about whats on her mind. I can't force her to talk if she doesn't want to but the anxiety it causes when she gets into these moods is really debilitating. I'm terrible at letting things go (especially if i think its my fault)

I'm Not Her Therapist, but if she has an issue with me I wish she'd just tell me instead of the Silent treatment for a week.

Trigger Topics that I've learned to Avoid at All Costs:

Anything about "Other Mothers" in my life.

Politics & Racism

Anything in the Past that happened.

My moving out

Anything that paints her as a "Bad Mother"(aka this whole post probably)

This post is a mess and I'm rambling. Thanks for sticking through this Brain Dump while I process. 

-Edit 2:

More things i'm recalling: For Christmas one year in front of my whole family (I was between 8-10 ish) she got me a set of underwear with the days of the week labeled on them and told me in front of everyone that "Maybe this would help me remember [to change my underwear daily]..."

One of my final years in high school I somehow managed to get a Cold Sore. My First Cold Sore ever and my lip where it broke out swelled up HUGE. I woke up the day it appeared ( a weekend thank the gods) and horrified went downstairs to tell my mom about it. I don't recall any words of sympathy other than "Cold Sores are caused by Herpes." I just remember breaking down into tears.

I mapped out a "Quiet Walking Path" that avoided all the creaky floorboards and steps in our house.

I get extremely anxious whenever I would hear my parents footsteps coming up the stairs. It got to the point that I could distinguish their steps on Carpet.

I jump/flinch (visibly) at loud noises, even if I know they are coming (movies songs ect.)

Routinely friended/unfriended me on Facebook before deleting it entirely (due to 2018 spying/hacking allegations)

I don't know if she means for these things to be hurtful but as someone who doesn't enjoy confrontation and is extremely sensitive to others feelings it just hurts y'know?

-edit 3: Attempted to talk to mom about her saying she hoped we'd fail via email. went about as well as expected. =Well, that clears a lot of things up. We only wanted you to be independent and happy, and it appears you are. End of story!

And for what it’s worth, I’ve said a LOT of things over the past 6 years that you didn’t hear about. And I’m not really sure where you heard “I hope they fail.” But I’m sure your source is 100%, and certainly not something you’d want to clarify with me.

I hope you got your apartment all squared away in Colorado. You should be under the 60-day notice by now! Woo hoo!

Let me know when you all are coming to get your stuff out of the house.

I’ll have it packed and ready for you.

-Mom

Am i reading into this too much? because it sounds like she's being hella passive aggressive about this.

-Edit 4: 7-19-18 Been venting about wedding planning being stressful on fb away from my mom since she doesn't have one anymore. I didn't realize she had fms reporting to her about my posts as she just randomly mentions via text that she wants to help me have fun while planning and that she wishes she could make it a happy time for me.

Edit 5: 9-26-18 Wedding is over finally. had our honeymoon and got moved out of our apartment back into my MIL's house. During the move we had to put all of our stuff into storage which includes Wedding gifts and thankyou notes. So Mom has been hounding me about getting them done and i've informed her several times that all of that is in storage and i havent been able to yet. She said not an excuse go buy more thankyou notes and write them all. I asked if Emailing a thank you would work, she says no must be hand written and mailed out (also who's paying for 100+ stamps: Me) Well Tonight she informs me that she's doing all the ones from her/my side and that she doesn't care if we do them for DH's side since SIL didn't send any thank you notes either. Cue big long talk with DH about all of this and he says not to worry about her being passive aggressive like this. Go and check my Email to find she sent an Email to me only with writing saying

"Dear all,

Thank you so much for attending --- wedding. Your presence was so important to me, and I know to the kids as well. Thank you also for the lovely wedding gifts you sent or brought. I know they are appreciated and will be enjoyed by the newlyweds. It was very kind and generous of you!

Unfortunately, --- is unable to send thank you notes, but I did want you to know that your gifts, and your presence at the celebration, were very important to all of us, and very much appreciated.

Fondly,

MOM"

currently I'm choosing not to respond and I wonder how our relationship is going to be going forward from all of this... I was so happy that the wedding was over so i wouldn't have to deal with this petty drama bullshit anymore but I guess thats just too much to ask for.

-She's also unfriended me on facebook again. I'm tempted to just block her to stop this wishy washy stuff from happening again.

#Personal #DO NOT REBLOG #I will block you if you reblog this #Vent for myself #i don't know what to do anymore #Mom #Mom Vent #i hope i dont have to update this anymore #but we'll see #venting post #PERSONAL VENT #PARENTS #Emotional Abuse #Mental Abuse

[mineofilms]

Day of the Dead

Today Marks the 1-year anniversary of me being carried off on a stretcher and taken to the ER. Like my 1-year anniversary for not drinking, I am not really sure how I feel and/or reflect about all this. I know the last calendar year I have grown/changed a lot internally. Not just medically/mentally, but internally/spiritually as well. I have changed in so many ways it is hard for me to put it into articulating patterns of words to understand.

I am not one to really air my laundry on “the Facebook.” I know a lot do it but, I do not. I am very transparent about my feelings/thoughts these days just not on this specific platform. Main reason being is people do not read and/or understand what is actually being presented and said. They see the parts they can associate with and run with that. I can tell you from experience this is not the correct way to “get me.”

Not that really anyone should be doing that. You should be doing you and yours. If you consider me part of yours that is great and all. I don’t see it. I have a standard for such things and there are people out here that get that, they know. I make/made the effort.

I am only saying this because it is true from my point of view. I am not screaming for attention or anything of the sort. I actually do not care for much attention. I get what I get from the people I want/need it from and that is it. My circle is very small these days.

You cannot really associate Mineo of 1994-95, 2000-2004, 2009-2012 to Mineo of 2020-2021. I am a completely different person. Sure, some things are the same, but much has changed. I am good with that change. Finally, emotionally, I am in a place where I feel I am solid.

However, mentally, medically, life. No. I am not there. I do not move at the speed in those areas like I used to. I do make progress… It only works when everything is working for me, not against me. I take a step forward only for the Universe to throw me back a few steps and the process starts again.

That was fine and dandy; as I was always able to roll with those punches. However, I cannot do that anymore. I don’t have “that” in my back pocket anymore. Like many things I used to be able to do at a high level, I can no longer do.

If I attempt to do it. I have problems. Problems of the sort that tends to stop whatever show is going on around me. I have “mini” episodes just about every time I leave the house now.

In the case people have not been paying attention today’s anniversary is when I had Covid-19; which sent my diabetes into a rapid black hole where Diabetic Ketoacidosis & Pancreatitis set in. I probably would have not made it through the night if I didn’t call 911 when I did. I had already been sick for 2 weeks at this point and about 3 days deathly ill.

I was in the hospital for 5 days, 3 days after I got out I went blind with edema in both eyes and later diabetic retinopathy. I have had extreme anxiety ever since; that they are saying I have severe PTSD from the experience. I have also had 3 therapists tell me I have bipolar tendencies now in the past 2 months.

With all that said we are a calendar year later and I am only “moderately” better. I still have severe vision issues to a point I do not drive at night. Diabetic Ketoacidosis & Pancreatitis are still there, just dormant. As long as I keep my blood sugars normalized and do not get sick I can live with this. I have had to change the way eat, obviously, but not just for diabetes. The Diabetic Ketoacidosis & Pancreatitis fucks with my digestive track. I try to make smart food choices based on what little money I have and what I can just tolerate.

Do not tell me to go vegan… I am NOT trying to destroy my digestive track, thank you very much… Don’t even get me started on those topics…

Since I am reflecting here I am not really sure how I feel/think. When I tell people I am trying to get well before I try to live again, everything in life that is a distraction to getting me right just gets ignored.

I literally do not see it.

I pretty much have said all this before. If one feels inclined to go read those blogs. Feel free too. I will post links at the credits of this BLOG.

This blog really isn’t well thought out. I am just sitting here free writing. I have found that when I sit to write I can really crank out some words. I can write a 2,000 word blog now in about 2 to 3 hours. After writing the BLOG, rereading it, correcting grammar and such. I feel pretty good about that.

I know most of you will not read 1,000 words, let alone 2,000 words. My Facebook is crazy on how narrow the vision is with people of what is actually being said in a post. It has gotten so bad I hardly ever post directly onto the Facebook anymore. I will post on my IG and it will auto-post to Facebook when I want it to. When I post on Instagram it is for my Instagram followers. The intention is going there. I realize I know most of the people in some way on my Facebook, but it is not like that on my Instagram. I follow way more people there and most of them I do not know and they do not know me.

However, I have made some really great, real, and important friends there. To a point where I value their friendship in a more important way than I do with people I have been friends with in the world for decades.

It is why I feel like there is a huge disconnect between the Facebook, its people and I, in relation to, well, relations. I feel like people see me now but really see “that old Mineo from VAMS/VHS/MCC years.”

Yeah… That guy doesn’t exist anymore. He hasn’t in a long while now. The best I can remember maybe as far back as 2013 when my health first started giving me real problems. At that point; me disconnecting from “that life” had begun. By 2016 and 2017 I was too busy to worry about all that, including my health. I had another really bad issue and life shifted again.

The point I am trying to make here is that if you think you know me. You don’t. Things have changed. If you haven’t been around in the last 18 months or so and we do not talk at all you do not know me very well. Some loose associations, sure. I am very disconnected when compared to the last time we hung out as friends. I am saying this not to be mean or an asshole or anything. It is just true. I cannot entertain people and pretend I am good to go when I am not. I am not even sure if I would be able to bring you into the fold either. Sure, I will believe I can, but I honestly do not know.

I do not know what I can take before I start to have issues and just shutdown. When I feel overwhelmed I shutdown. I do not respond to people or anything. I just leave, go back to my hole, do something I enjoy and start the process again in the morning. I cannot apologize for this and I won’t.

It kind of feels like being a new person of sorts. I like my small circle. I do not require being the center of that circle. For a long time I did. I wanted to be number 1 and in multiple circles. I pulled it off at some moments in life. However, that wasn’t me and it actually has some responsibility of “how I got here right now.”

In some respect this is exactly what my soul needed. The issue is now L.I.V.N. Livin’… I need just a few things to go right and I can handle the rest. I wrote this more for me than I did for you all. As I already know, few will read this. Obviously, if you are reading this, it isn’t from Facebook. The link, sure, but these words are not on that Fuckin’ Thing…

Below are links to the other blogs directly associated to this topic. Might be interesting. There are more details as to the specifics, as I saw them, during the time of writing. These are my feelings about it all now, exactly one year to the day and the actual time I made that call. As I wrap this up that hour just approached.

 Day of the Dead David-Angelo Mineo 7/11/2021 1,525 Words Blog 1 Blog 2

[accidental-memory]

Vagueposting time I guess.

I had a female friend, who I have known for a long time. You will not learn her identity from me beyond this; that'd be shitty. This post is long.

JULY We had not spoken much in a long time, and it had been even longer since we'd seen each other in person. She was sending me photos of where she lives now (which, where she lives now is awesome), and I was gushing about how beautiful the scenery is. Then I asked: Me: "with apologies, would it be weird to ask if I could see your face?"

Her: "No but it's not great!" And then she sends a single photo of her face.

Our conversation continued for awhile after she sent the selfie. I thought nothing more of it.

AUGUST We have another conversation. She stops the conversation to say the following:

Her: "I just have to stop for a second and tell u. I like talking to you, as a friend. But my husband did get mad when sent you a picture and I do have to make sure u understand I’m happily married and just feel like [[context of how we know each other]] and we have that bond of all having that same ridiculous experience, I feel bonded to them. But u have to understand that this is fully platonic and I can never send another picture or anything like that."

Okay. This as you can see is her setting a boundary. That's fine; great, even! More people should be that open about their boundaries!

But also, I want you to notice the part where she says her husband *got mad* that she sent me a picture of her face. This raised some red flags for me, and I wanted to make sure she was okay:

Me: "Like.. 'that picture' was just you chilling at your house; I wasn't trying to read anything into it. Past experiences aside, frankly, it's just nice to see a friend. That said, I find it alarming when people don't let their significant others be a person with other people if they're the gender their partner would otherwise be interested in; and I feel dutybound to say that out loud."

Her: "No I def know that and so I don’t think we are inappropriate at all but later when I thought about 'how would I feel if he had done that?' I realized I wouldn’t have liked it either. I’m allowed to talk to and do what i want, which is why I do, but I also think feelings are valid. I don’t at all judge other people’s lifestyles. If they are polyamorous, anything people want to do between consenting adults that’s not exploitative I am completely fine with. But I entered into a traditional marriage with eyes wide open to what I was doing and so I did need to clear that up before I kept talking to you."

Me: "<3 understood"

I feel like this was a very good, productive moment. But I want to know... did I miss something? This sounds like a perfectly reasonable adult conversation to me. I let her know that what she had just said was concerning to me. She told me not to be worried. So I said I understood. The boundary is thus set, and we can move on with our lives and continue being friends, yes?

SEPTEMBER: I send her a wild story from the Riverfront Times. She responds that I should keep an eye out for another story that she is interested in. Talked for a few minutes, went on our ways.

OCTOBER: I mention I went and looked around to see if I could find details on the news story she wanted me to look out for, and shared what I'd found; but it wasn't related to what she was trying to find. Talked for a few minutes, went on our ways.

JANUARY: I send her a couple of funny photos of a frog, and a link to my New Years Cabin photo album. She does not respond.

FEBRUARY: I tell her about a shitty thing my dad emailed me lionizing Clarence Thomas. She does not respond.

APRIL: I show her a couple of photos of a bizarre stuffed-dog-pillow that was left in a basket outside the laundromat just as the pandemic was hitting. She responds: "Put it on [[facebook group for weird stuff]] !"

MAY: I send her a funny webcomic. She does not respond.

YESTERDAY: I send her a message telling her about how I've spent the last 30 minutes bawling my eyes out because I watched the collage of police violence in the latest Some More News episode about the riots: "my nerves are fuckin' frayed. I'm so angry. And the only thing I can do is talk about it."

TODAY: She responds: " Adam I don’t know how to be more clear after essentially ignoring your messages for months. So I’ll be blunt. Women in general, and me in particular, are not on the planet to emotionally labor for you. It sounds like you need a therapist. I’m guessing you will say you can’t afford one but that doesn’t oblige me to do it for free.

After I placed a boundary with you, received a lecture about how I’m in an unhealthy relationship because it has boundaries, realized you’re just another male who is going to be mad and throw a fit when he doesn’t get what he wants from a woman, I honestly lost interest in talking to you altogether. So if you were under the impression I’m a bird in a cage not being allowed to, that’s false. I got nothing out of sending you a photograph, aside from avoiding the discomfort at having to say “no.” It wasn’t something I’m over here DYING to do until my Neanderthal husband said “no way!!!” Your reaction to a normal boundary threw up a thousand red flags for me and I don’t want to talk to you anymore.

We are all sick over what’s happening in the US right now. I’m sure you can find someone else to discuss this with. "

...................What did I miss? Like, genuinely, if I'm in the wrong about something here, tell me. I don't understand what brought this on!

Stop reading here if you don't want my opinions or interpretations or any of my expounded confusions.

I don't want to sit here and tell you how to feel about this message to me. You can make up your own mind. But I'm going to express how I feel about this.

1. We talked intermittently for years. Not responding to me is no indication that you're ignoring me; it means you're busy. Plenty of other friends of mine have that kind of communication style.

2. We had lengthy conversations between me stating my concerns and this moment. We had intermittent conversations too. How would this have ever been an indication that you were upset?

3. Fucking... you were my friend! I wanted to talk to my FRIEND about a hard time I was having, and now I'm literally having chest pains because I'm being accused of... what? Being manipulative?

4. What do you say in response to being called manipulative? Cuz like. Anything I say is immediately going to be called manipulative! That's infuriating!

5. I didn't say your husband was a Neanderthal. I said that what you said was concerning. I don't even know the guy! In fact, that's part of why it's concerning; if the only thing I know about him is that he GOT MAD AT YOU FOR SENDING SOMEONE A PHOTO, then yeah I think I'm absolutely in the right to make sure that you're not in a fucking abusive relationship! I've had friends in abusive relationships before and that's exactly the shit they'd say to me. It's not an accusation; it's an invitation for help if the situation is actually bad, which you said it isn't, and I took your word for, said as much, and never brought it up again.

6. What do you mean, "angry that I'm not doing what you want?" I know of precisely two things I've ever asked of her in my entire life: that one single photo of her face for which I had no intention of asking another, and advice as to how to get makeup out of your clothes (I still have no idea why there was makeup in my pants leg, either).

7. I did not have an "impression" of you being "a bird locked in a cage." You said something alarming, and I confirmed with you that it was actually fine, and that was all it ever had to be!

I don't know what else to say on the matter. My heart hurts. I saw this message pop up while I was in the middle of a tutoring session. I was like, "Oh, she responded! I hope we can commiserate for a moment so I can feel like this is even remotely normal ....... Oh. ....oh, what??"

I'm absolutely certain someone on my timeline knows even from any of this who I am talking about; she may have even talked to them about it. I'm not really interested in the gossip. I'm not even looking for advice. She's blocked me; the friendship is over, however much that hurts to say. But like. If you have actual fucking light to shed on it, that'd be nice. But also. Not right now.

I don't want to talk to anyone right now. I had to hold it together through several hours of tutoring. I'm fucking hurt and I need some time to heal.

[pigeonzombie]

Jett’s ultimate self guide to making 2018 a good year

So I have depression. lots, lots of depression. I’m making this list  mainly to help myself get through this year and hopefully make sure it’s at least a little better for myself. if this is helpful to you, I’m glad!

Anywho this got.....Long so under cut for depression tips and confidence boosters, the works

Self Care 

Hygiene & wellness:

Shower as often as you can. Lay down in there if you have to. (I call that a Diet Bath). 

Put your clothes and towel in the shower with you where they won’t get wet. it makes getting out of the shower a lot easier when you are already dressed and at least semi dry

While we’re on the subject you only really need to wash your hair like, once a week (I can get away with two-two and a half because my hair is really really thick)

When you can’t shower, change your underwear and use dry shampoo and deodorant to accomplish feeling less crusty (there’s recipes for dry shampoo all over the internet don’t waste your money on that fuckin commercial stuff THAT DOESNT EVEN WORK HALF THE TIME OKAY LOREAL

Food related business

fill a glass with water before you go to bed and put it on yer nightstand. you dehydrate like a lot when you sleep and you’re more likely to remember to fill a glass before you go to bed then right after you wake up and you’re all groggy and have to pee

While we’re on the subject of water, you buy a two liter of soda and when you’re done you rinse that shit out real good and fill that ish up every day. Carry it around with you so you don’t forget to hydrate!

Learn one new easy depression meal recipe a month (enchaladas are easy and potato pancakes are ones that I know thus far)

When even that is too difficult, make soup

Soup is really cheap and comes in ALL KINDS OF FLAVORS (I like tomato the best) so you don’t wind up eating the same crap over and over again

since my stomach is bullshit and can’t digest milk or meat, and my tongue is bullshit and has all sorts of fucking texture issues, I eat a lot of oatmeal and soup and smoothies (sometimes grits if I’m feeling spicy) which also keeps me warm in the winter like that kid in the soup commercials

I freeze fruit and put rice milk and ice cubes in that ish and blend it it makes great smoothies

that’s not a smoothie you say? fuck you who made you president of smoothies

General Cleanliness

Clean your room every day (hear me out)

you don’t have to clean it all the way (I don’t lol)

Cleaning your room could just be picking up a piece of trash or reorganizing your stuffed animals to be at the head of your bed

If you live on your own and you don’t have the energy to do an entire load of dishes just use the liter and one bowl

that way you only really have to clean one dish

Get! Motivated!

Habitica: This is an RPG type thing where you put in all the stuff you have to do in three categories which are To Do (stuff that you only have to do once) Dailies (Regular tasks BUT you can set them to daily weekly or monthly) and Habits which are regular tasks with no rigid schedule and it gives you POINTS and REWARDS and it tricks your shit ass brain into thinking you’re playing a game

Fighter’s Block: Along the same lines as Habitica but instead you enter a word count and you pick a fighter and you attack at the same rate you type and you level up and unlock new characters and it’s the only time based writer’s tool that doesn’t lock you in or delete all your work if you don’t type in time and it is seriously the only way I get shit done

Get a fight song. A fight song is basically just a song that is intensely motivational to you. preferably one that makes you wanna keep going. you have an iphone or one of those old cd alarm clocks? make your fight song the song that your alarm blares. If you get sick of it or it stops motivating you you need a new one. My Fight song is Ready Set Go by Panic! At the Disco and This Year by The Mountain Goats

Bonus stuff that wouldn’t fit in any other category

Paint your nails. Even just one. It will not disappoint.

Also stretch every day if you can. If it doesn’t look to the untrained eye like a demon is being ripped from your body you’re not doing it right

Start carrying around a stress ball and a stuffed animal in your bag

Life is fluid! things get easier to deal with! all that jazz!

Self Love

Now that we’ve got basic taking care of yourself bs let’s get into how to stop hating yourself 101

Online shit

Automatic Flatterer: This fucking gem makes you enter your name and it Generates!!! a compliment!!! Sometimes it doesn’t do the trick but other times it totally does

http://phemiec.tumblr.com/tagged/on-ugliness Listen regularly going through this tag is the best fucking thing I’ve ever done for my self esteem because it is an EXCELLENT reminder that being conventionally unattractive is is not the end of the world and I want to personally BLESS this person for making this tag! Be Ugly! Be proud!

Zenpencils is another blog that is good for bad moods and self doubt and whatnot

This post keeps me going. i know that’s super cheesy but it really, really does

Other Shit

Make an “I don’t suck” folder. What is that, you may ask? Well shit just click me and you’ll see EXACTLY what that ish is. Look on it whenever you’re thinking about doing something stupid

Be confident. How do you be confident? You fucking act like you’re confident. Here is a post about acting confident and how it actually makes you fucking confident

You need a confidence song. A song that makes you feel GOOD and like you can do anything, not unlike a fight song but not exactly the same either. Mine are Shake it out by Florence and the Machine,  Kill your Heroes by AWOLNATION and I won’t Back down by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. Listen to me very fucking carefully because this part is important. You need to get in front of the fucking mirror, look yourself in the eye. and BELT out the lyrics. Do this every day that you remember to. I’m serious. Every day. I used to do this and i was so confident but I stopped????for some reason???it was the worst decision i ever made

You need a comfort movie. That movie that you watch and it makes you feel good inside. Mine are Lilo and Stitch and Matilda

And a comfort book. 

And a comfort TV show for when you’re really, really sad

You cling to that shit for dear life 

Remember that there are crusty white dudes that have better self confidence than you. That is fucking unnacceptable

Also remember that even when you don’t care about yourself there are people that hang out and talk to you that don’t even have to they just! like talking to you! they see something in you that you don’t and you gotta start trying to see what they see

Pimples won’t hurt you. Everyone has them, has had them or will have them so don’t let me catch you being embarrassed about that!

Also uhhhhhhh the only way to find true happiness is to be an open person. Don’t talk about it ALL the time & friends don’t exist for the purpose of being your personal therapist but if friends didn’t want to hear about your problems sometimes and help you feel better then they’re probably not the best friends

Happiness is fleeting but so is sadness and you won’t be like this forever I pinky promise you

Let’s all go into 2018 with our hearts open but our fists closed!

#skunk.txt #anyway #self care ref

[blazedroses-archive]

under read more are melinda’s halliwells headcanons!!

ok but melinda views phoebe as an evil pre-aiden situation. murdering someone? running away from its crimes? sacrificing everyone to save herself? YIKES!!! coward moves in melinda’s eyes. her entire future ruined because of her mothers half of the family. unfortunately, mel doesn’t get it till she follows into the same footsteps. definitely a no bueno. hates phoebe for setting up the path for darkness since melinda had no control.

PIPER IS A GREAT MOTHER! don’t get me wrong, i know in my main verse, piper is nonexistent in melinda’s life. realistically, in morality bites, it is the only universe piper even considered leaving her child behind. at the end of the day, in canon, phoebe would have never let her. it isn’t piper to abandon her family. she is the heart of the family because piper fights for it. drastic situations cause people to take drastic measures. leaving melinda behind to save her sister? it was difficult, but at least melinda would have her father and phoebe would still be alive if they escaped.

honestly melinda has a really bad habit of just…. speaking out her ass. she doesn’t think and just blurts everything out. truly not her finest quality yikes!!!

melinda loves her bad boys and girls. she loves when they give her trouble and is like severely addicted to them. they’re her weak spot and senses them when they’re like a mile away. it’s what gets her into her sticky situations all the time and like???? yikes terrible dating life.

melinda, due to those great whitelighter abilities, is able to speak multiple languages, both commonly and uncommonly known. it’s definitely comes as a surprise to others when she’s in school and hears people talking shit in a different language due to being related to phoebe halliwell, but ya know, gotta reciprocate that trash talk.

melinda talks a lot with her hands especially when she’s angry. that’s it. thnxs for coming to my ted talk.

melinda knows when she fucks up. she won’t deny or try to hide it. the downside? once she already knows she’s in trouble? she’ll keep on doing it. out pass curfew? looks like she’s staying out. stealing? well, there’s no return. secretly using magic and then getting caught? oh fuckin well!!! truth is, she is self destructive but is super clever when it comes to getting herself out of shitty situations.

elders can go fuck themselves!!! she has and always will hate them. they’re cowards in her books and hid when the witching world needed them the most. when they needed guidance, they vanished. they are useless and the fact she is even part whitelighter is like a punch to the gut because they are a disgrace. ok thanks. plus their rules and moral even during this time are unethical!!!!!!

bisexual mel? YOU BET! boys were typically a means to an end, using them just as a fun time or to occupy her time. with girls? those are some of her best memories and the places she stems her relationship advice from. girls were so affectionate and caring and kind and loving and everything melinda could have asked for in a partner. the reason why those relationships never lasted because of trust issues. melinda knew her girlfriends and aiden weren’t the same but letting her past go was just too hard. it was a buried memory she wanted to keep hidden. plus melinda knew it wasn’t her partners job to fix the toxic mess of herself. it wasn’t their job to stick around when she would self destruct. it was her own problems to deal with and letting them go was the easiest way to keep them safe and happy.

melinda had gotten into some serious trouble crime wise growing up. luckily for her, darryl was ALWAYS there to help weasel her way out of it. the last time she was ever arrested was when a reality check hit her in the face. darryl was told to not let her out per leo’s orders and ended up spending a night in lock up. although it wasn’t terrible, the idea of doing something so terrible that she’d end up in prison for the rest of her life was a NO GO. ever since, mel has tried to be on her best behavior and doesn’t give darryl too much grief with the amount of times he had to put up with her.

in any reality, melinda wasn’t very keen on getting told she was like piper. she never wanted to be anything like her because piper broke her heart in the worst ways possible. it wasn’t like she had DIED and there was closure. in fact, being ALIVE with no contact made everything so much worse. melinda just wanted her mom to play with her hair, give boy advice, protect her, and even tell melinda how much she loved and appreciated her. abandoningyour own child and never looking back? YIKES!!!! a no go in mel’s book and refuses to be anything like that.

mels mother figure is wendy beauchamp ( aka @wouldntdie ). she stepped up to the plate when piper left. the person who tucked her into bed, told all her secrets to, her pride and joy, everything and more. that’s her mother in every way, shape, and form. having piper walk out on her was painful, no doubt about that, but if that hadn’t of happened? wendy wouldn’t be the mother melinda had. she wouldn’t change that for the world.

friendly reminder that mel has five tattoo’s and twelve piercings! the first tattoo she ever got was when she was fifteen. her dad definitely did not know about this and basically, one of her older friends had a tattoo gun and low and behold, that’s when the triquetra tattoo came about on her hipbone - to represent the heritage of magic! leo didn’t find out about it till summer time since it was hidden but when she’d go out swimming in a bathing suit? yeah that was ruined!! did that stop her? nope!! her next tattoo was fairly simple, small flowers and leaves wrapped around her wrist. she was seventeen getting this tattoo and had wendy’s permission with leo slightly against it ( too bad neither girls ever listen to him? )  BLESSED BE on the bridge of her foot written in cursive on her eighteenth birthday, nothing too crazy, it was a little treat to herself. a little after turning twenty, she then got a moon tattoo behind her ear with a minimalist mandala within it and at this point, no one could say jack about what she did. that was the last tattoo melinda got for awhile until a little after jaxon died. she ended up getting the phrase ’in aeternum’ on her rib cage which is latin for ‘to eternity ; forever.’ because to mel? that’s what their love was.moving on to piercings! she has her belly button pierced and a double nose piercing. she actually got this when she was fifteen too and convinced leo into letting her get them…. which they regretted once they found out about her little tattoo scandal. the rest are just ear piercings which mel gradually just ended up getting over time!

if you ever wanna get fucked up, mel is your go to! not only is she the best joint roller ( teen mel just took a huge jump to rock bottom but it’s ok she built herself up again ) and not afraid to ever cook up a batch of pot brownies ( which her family probably ate by mistake a time or hundred ) but the BEST bartender. the second she turned 18, melinda was behind the bar serving drinks, being everyone’s personal therapist to get them through their dramatic bullshit, but all-in-all? there for a good time! it was a natural talent for someone who delved head first into drinking at the age of fourteen and built a fucking tolerance. even before her 21st, melinda would sneak into clubs that never carded. those who personally knew her knew that her id was a fake, but no one ratted her out because she was that chill. bringing pot brownies to share, taking shots, dancing, you name it, melinda patricia halliwell fucking did it. coyote piper? more like coyote melinda because mother like daugher! when she was legally allowed to bar tend, melinda started attending a university to get her bachelors degree as both entrepreneur and engineering and paid for it using her paychecks and tips.

not being able to use her powers literally killed mel. she had no help from anyone, not even her father. melinda learned how to orb and sense on her own in secret. without anyone knowing, she figured out how to connect with those she loved in order for them to remain safe. obviously, mel had to be super careful due to the fact she could get caught. yet, this one? was super sneaky and sly, running under everyone’s radar in order to remain a secret.

aiden really fucked her up. he was the boy she would’ve gone to the end of the world for. the one she would’ve given up her entire family and morals and lifestyle just to be around. melinda was willing to convert completely to dark magic and essentially expose herself in order to keep him in her life due to wanting to be a magical being. they would’ve destroyed the world if they had to. the worst part about him is that even though he was so bad for her, he treated her so perfectly. aiden treated her like a princess, spoiling her with endless gifts and a kindness that wasn’t shared to the public. like she wishes he treated her bad so the pain and sadness wouldn’t of been so bad and she could’ve walked away sooner in the relationship. even after he died, melinda was still so in love with him and it took years for her to realize how toxic aiden truly was. his death was and always will be a pain that she carries in her heart. after his passing, melinda never settled for anyone. she had MAJOR trust issues and the idea of being in a serious relationship was a literal nightmare. never did she think she’d find love again, let alone really wanted to. then when she was 23, melinda met jaxon and everything really changed. he was a military man, no ties to the magic world. she didn’t want to fall for him in fear of being his downfall. he mended her heart in so many ways and taught her how to love again and just opened her up. he was everything the family envisioned for melinda and they truly lived a happy life with their 3 ( 4 but you’ll see in a sec ) kids. when he died during his final tour, it really put a dent into her life. she couldn’t grieve the same way she did for aiden because she had kids to care for and a baby on the way, one that wouldn’t even have the chance to meet her ( 3 girls, 1 boy. we all know this!! ) father. she wanted to keep his memory alive in positive light and the years that they had together were the happiest. aiden damaged her in so many ways, jaxon was truly melinda’s salvation. having a mortal husband kept her tamed in the no magic world!

listen, if piper ever walked back into melinda’s life, honestly? she’d rock her shit. like to abandon her without saying goodbye or even trying to communicate with her really messed melinda up. all she wanted was her mother and at her worst times, piper wasn’t there. her mother chose her sisters over her own daughter and that was a hard concept for melinda to come to terms with. she doesn’t have it in her to forgive piper, phoebe, or prue. it is too painful to even consider letting that possible heartbreak from happening again. even though melinda’s last name is halliwell, she’ll introduce herself as melinda patricia wyatt because her father? yeah, that’s her hero in every shape and form. wendy? stepping up and being a mom? yeah, that’s her mother in every shape and form as well. a halliwell by blood, a beauchamp-wyatt by choice.

#* ✦ ⋆ ˚ ❪ MELINDA HALLIWELL. ❫ — dossier. #i have so many #i wouldnt be able to post separately

[fairycosmos]

I feel like im slipping into depression again and close to rock bottom do you have any tips or advice to cope? also i need to schedule a therapist appointment this ask is going to be my accountability haha. hope youre doing well love

:(( i'm sorry to hear that angel. it must be so fuckin difficult. i know it's very hard to take words of advice seriously when you're at rock bottom, but please try. honestly, nothing works more than professional help does - if you look at depression as a mental illness, a medical issue, then it makes sense that you need to consult a trained consultant in order to start making positive changes. i cant understate the importance of reaching out. but here are a few self help tips that have helped me sort of alleviate the symptoms of depression (they WONT cure it though, and they're not magic fixes, they just make things feel a little leas heavy.)1. figure out the difference between having a thought and acting on it. you don't have to believe everything your mind tells you. depression is pitting your own brain against you, so it can't be trusted. just cause you think youre worthless doesn't mean you are. just cause you think this is permanent doesn't mean it is. you dont have to make your negative thoughts a reality. you're in control of your actions. let the bad moment occur, process it, but don't believe it.2. don't self isolate as much as you feel the need to. it's okay to take an hour in your room by yourself each day, it's okay to need time to decompress. but when you constantly cut everyone off, your self perception gets all fucked up, and you can't relate to the outside world anymore. it makes mental illness a million times worse. your mind gets all muddled and you stop seeing things clearly. talk to people. let them in. give them the opportunity to be a friend to you. they'll understand more than you think they will.3. stop analysing your thoughts/emotions so much and just let them happen. cry as much as you need to. be numb, angry, scared. acknowledge it. not everything is significant or symbolic. variations in a persons mood are something to expect, something you're capable of handling. 4. get dressed and go outside at least semi regularly. you don't have to wear makeup, you can wear a hoodie and leggings. but get up. it's one of the most difficult things in the world for me, too, but it doesn't have to be scary or a big deal. not if you don't want it to be. you don't have to leave the house with a plan in mind, just going for a ten minute walk, feeling the sun on your skin and getting some fresh air, will do wonders. feeling like a living breathing part of this planet again helps a lot. its okay if you can only manage it once or twice a week to begin with. baby steps are where all the progress happens.5. treat yourself like you'd treat your best friend if they were going through what you're going through. okay, so this one takes some time to perfect. and maybe the echo of self hatred will always be somewhere in your head. but making the conscious, active choice to be gentle with yourself is so fucking important. you wouldn't scold your best friend for getting upset, for not being able to manage, would you? of course not. you'd take the time to calm them down and to try to understand. so, treat yourself with that same level of care. even if you feel stupid at first. you're going to spend the rest of your life with you. might as well try to be kind.6. don't underestimate the importance of a job half done. washing a few dishes is better than washing none. outlining the essay is better than not making a start on it at all. once you actually begin the task you've been putting off, you'll see its nowhere near as bad as you were building it up to be. and you'll feel a sense of achievement for actually getting it done.7. journal. write it all down. in those horrible episodes where you can't make sense of anything and your emotions are all over the place, write. then rip up the page if you want. or treasure it. it's up to you.i know it's all so much easier said than done. and even genuinely considering to soothe yourself, to use these tips, is a positive sign. look, it's so so easy to become disillusioned by life, because it's hard and painful and sometimes unbearable. but even when you feel like giving up the most, there's always the underlying idea that the fact that you're here - alive, and feeling all of this shit, and relating with the world - is incredible. and it's so rare. we all take it for granted, it's natural to, to an extent. and it doesn't mean you should be constantly happy just because you exist, it means you should do what you can to cultivate the life that you want. because it's an option for you. having that choice is the coolest thing in the world. and that starts with seeing a professional, like you said. let them in, admit to what's going on in your head, and let people help. i really hope you're alright. I'm always here if you need to talk. and thank you my love. im doing okay 💞

#anon