#so they are really selective on who gets into their psych programs

[detentiontrack]

Just got accepted into the final college I applied to!! This means I got into EVERY single college I applied to AND all of their highly competitive psychology programs!!!

#here in California the psychology major is really impacted #so they are really selective on who gets into their psych programs #this is going to do wonders for my imposter syndrome #I really thought I would get rejected from every college I applied to and would have to try again next year #I’m not trying to brag I’m just really proud of myself

[raspberry-gloaming]

This is some ramblings about a sort of oc, for the missing mid 30s district 2 victor for @lorata 's We Must Be Killers universe. It's not all coherent and there's a lot of run on sentences here, but it's all just thoughts currently.

First off, introducing Knox! 2m, victor of the 35th Annual Hunger Games.

Merchant class, not quarry or offering, kinda in the middle just like he's in the middle of the shift from the elite to the modern way the center changed. His childhood was honestly pretty neglectful emotionally by his parents. They already had two other children, one to carry on the business, one to become a peacekeeper. Knox was an accident, an afterthought. They put him in the program to give him something to do, and somewhere to put him and forget about him for a while. Perhaps he'd come out with a good reference. Perhaps he'd become a peacekeeper like his brother. Perhaps he'd die in the arena. It didn't really matter - he was away and easily forgotten about in residential from 13, and they got a tidy stipend.

He was 18 in 35, so was 13 in 30. which means he was one of the new residential kids who were there when it all went down with I think he was called James? But with Joseph and all that. That's fun! (not)

He's like the opposite of Lyme when it comes to kids. The younger the better, he'd be great as a trainer of the 7-9s honestly. Babies, young kids, he loves them, gets on great with them. But the closer they get to residential age... nah.

It's partly due to the 30th and what happened, partly due to how his year group were just a bit wild. They did some shit, saw some shit, took it too far a lot of the time. Wanted to prove themselves and got too cocky when they knew that they wouldn't act like James had. The trainer's would put a stop to stuff, sure, but alot of it was psyching them all up. Getting them stronger, more confident (too confident, even when they were wiped the floor with by the older trainees.) No-one in this year would fail at volunteering and getting far. Both the kids and the trainers, as well as the trainers' treatment and reaction to the kids made sure of it. The arena wiped some of that out of Knox, but it was a recovery process, definitely. He later met up with some of his year mates and they'd had a tough time in detox. It wasn't just the events, of course, but it definitely had an impact, with the actions of the trainees and the trainers, as well as how they acted in the mock arena and who was selected down to the final few at the end.

Knox wasn't the craziest out there by far, in fact he was probably the least out of all of them. He knew how to put it on though, but was wary of his year mates. He got the highest scores in his year, which is why he was chosen, not because of his persona or personality. While they needed someone who was desperate to do the task, they also needed someone noble enough for the five year mark.

He's a bit dramatic honestly, but has definitely calmed down by the time canon rolls around. He's nearly 60 then, afterall. His dramatics have definitely changed over the years. From the petty, huffy, why aren't you __ at me?! phase several graduates go through, to an "oh god I'm an old man." he's thought himself as one of the old squad for a long time. Even when he was in his thirties, and with Adessa who thinks Odin (4 years older than Knox) is a baby, I wonder what she'd think of him lmao. He's quite a hypochondriac, and I'm not sure who the village go to for a doctor when not in the capitol but I'm sure they're busy with him. I feel like he'd go to Emory a lot trying to get her to teach him how to make all her quarry natural remedies and such.

While he doesn't really like teenagers and generally up until they're 21, he's got a soft spot for the volunteers and young victors. He remembers what it fealt like, how much the arena changed and took from you and how hard it was. He mentors a lot of the "lost causes." Like when it's been a massive string of careers in a row, or there's a major rumour that the arena is made for an outlier win, or in the 2nd quarter quell, or two has just got a double victor (43) so they aren't going to have a third straight after.

He also mentors those who think they are a lost cause. When it's been a tough time, and they want to win! and they'll do their duty! but they're starting to give up hope, Knox likes to come in and beat that out of them (litterally, as well as metaphorically). Unfortunately, since he never got a victor, due to choosing those who weren't likely, it hasn't impacted well for his second type, those who don't think they are likely but still have just the same chance as always, if they just get in the right headspace.

He mentored on and off for a long time, I think his last would have been the 63rd. Which is longer than the normal, but he had heart and wanted the best for those he believed had it in them.

Since then he'd settled down into his "old age" even though he's not even 60 and still spars and keeps as active as the other older twos. His talent has something with acting, privately I mean. I think his public might be a bit similar, something that he still enjoys like poetry reading because he can be dramatic with it and hide jibes amongst the metaphors against the Capitolites he's reading it too. The capitol may take his talent in the way they always do, but he can poke fun at them while they do it.

He's got a garden, and he likes walking on the mountain trail. One of the things that he got built as a new victor was actually in the forest behind, a stone, old fancy amphitheatre like the ancient ones. He likes doing soliloquies and monologues and one man shows out there, but if he can drag anyone else out to join in he's as pleased as a punch.

#district two #d2 #hunger games #the hunger games #HG #thg #lorata #we must be killers #hc oc #oc #original character

[lucysweatslove]

Hey friend! Your profile says MD to be. How far are you in your studies? What's your end goal?

YES I AM! Proudly gonna be a doctor!

As a note/rant: I put MD to be because it rhymes and it’s true, but because it’s important to me, I feel the need to say this. MD is not inherently better than DO, I’ve had and known many amazing DO docs. There is a HUGE anti-DO stigma among medical education which comes, IMO, from difficulty of acceptance. DO schools are easier to get into, BUT this doesn’t mean it’s easy to get into DO or that those who “can’t” (don’t) get into MD are somehow worse / less intelligent / less capable. Basically what happened: people thought we would have a surplus of docs back in like the 70s/80s I think, which lead to a general moratorium of seat expansion in MD programs. DOs tend to be more private schools (generalization, not accurate in all cases) and they still expanded. This meant more DO seats, fewer MD, and MD was still more widely known. So MDs had a lower seat:applicant ratio, making it more selective. Selectivity has raised substantially over the years for both MD and DO, but it’s raised higher for MD due to the perceived prestige, which acts as a feedback loop. One of the largest factors is MCAT score- even though we see very little correlation between MCAT scores around average or above with future residency performance, we keep selecting for higher and higher MCAT scores and especially in MD schools. We need some way to stratify, the MCAT is standardized, so we think that works- it’s just a shit predictor. It was somewhat good at predicting step 1 scores but that’s now pass/fail.

I say all this going to one of the top schools in the country, after having gotten a pretty darn high MCAT score. Which I bring up not to brag but because whenever I talk about med Ed, the shitty predictability if the MCAT, artificially high selectivity, and anti-DO bias, people assume I am “saving face” and did poorly overall. Sometimes people assume I’m DO deluding myself. Nope.

Anyway sorry for the rant. I could get into it more but won’t.

I’m only about 2.5 months into school proper. We are in our second preclinical block, a little more than halfway through. Our first was some basic science + bio stats, now we are doing infections and immunity.

End goal, idk. I’ve worked in both derm and psych previously and LOVE them both. My issue with derm is that it’s heavily procedural (not a huge fan) and we are getting saturated with derms here, and my primary motivation for going into medicine is to serve the people in my state as we are chronically underserved. I’m not really filling a niche with derm. Derm is also ridiculously and stupidly competitive. My issue with psych is that it just feels really familiar, and there aren’t a ton of “underlying physical pathologies” which makes it more boring to me. It’s SUPER cool, needed everywhere, and there is so much to potentially research, but there isn’t a lot of current integration with neuro (I think there should be) and there isn’t a lot that is currently known. You have a lot of disagreement in the field, like two attendings could meet the same patient and have the same interview and have two different dx with two different treatment methods.

Which, I also like neuro, but residency programs are notoriously malignant.

Thanks for the ask, friend!

#lucy goes to med school

[justanothersyscourse]

Hi, I like your blog and really enjoy the articles and data you publish it’s very interesting. I wanted to pick your brain about your stance on psychiatric abuse for DID. Like, how do you feel about kluft because he is the bane of my existence. If you really wanna get into it I worked with colin ross in person who was the head of the international institute of trauma. Hes horrific. I think the thing that bothers me the most is I belive at some point i stumbled on a psychiatric guide for therapists on how to handle DID written by kluft (it was older, thank god, maybe 1990?) that said it is a-okay to hypnotize a paitent without their consent in order to gain access to alters.

On another note, I typically don’t do syscourse but from your stuff comes off to me as similar to the issue otherkin have with “kinnies” or kin for fun. Where theres a group of people who absolutely do not seem to give a fuck about a label and use it anyways. Even if it damages a legitimate community. I’ve met plenty of fine endos myself but. Yeah. Ive seen the other types around to.

Cool blog! Just wanted to bark at you /pos

OOOOHHHHHH my god, listen, I spoke with Colin Ross once to discuss some of his papers with him, and that man

That man

First-- thank you, hi, nice to meet you, welcome

Second-- I just want to put correct information out there so people can more easily figure out what they're experiencing ):

Third, have a rant of sorts, the last couple lines are about Ross, because I know that's what we're all waiting for

I am psych critical, there are good doctors and there are bad doctors, and then there are very bad doctors

The field of psychiatry is not the issue-- the field is good, the goal is good, the treatments are good when applied at the clients' request and with their consent-- IE, all treatments have merit (save for a select few "programs" that just flat out go against human rights), but not all treatments will work for everyone on a personal AND practical level-- both of which are required to make a treatment plan work

The doctors are where the issue is. And not all doctors are bad-- like any kind of relationship, people aren't going to mesh with everyone. Any doctor is good, provided THAT SPECIFIC CLIENT finds their treatment methods and approach to be both personally and practically effective.

Let's take the example of a Catholic therapist. Not conservative, just religious, and he uses that in his sessions-- not pushing it on his clients, but using it as a tool to help him and maybe try to bring a certain kind of positivity into the sessions. Me, being very unreligious, would be on the edge from the first mention. Depending on how he handles that reaction will decide whether he is a good or bad doctor for me. If he's a good doctor, he'll adjust his behaviour and approach accordingly, without a second thought. If he's a bad one, he'll ignore that reaction, and continue using his own methods, and I'll be off to try another therapist (easier said than done for most, I know, I was lucky to be born in Canada).

But here's the thing-- he's a VERY good therapist for the religious person in his next session. They find his approach to be empowering, they mesh well in the relationship, they're comfortable with each other and with bringing faith into the sessions. The client finds the methods used to be easy to utilize in their everyday life and simple to understand, and makes overall improvement. And that's what matters.

Now, if he's pushing his religious beliefs onto his clients, now he's a very bad doctor, and should not be licensed, and I will personally find him and drop kick him in the gender neutral tit.

And this can be extended to any doctor that performs any nonconsensual or unethical treatment on his clients. Psychiatric abuse happens far more than it should, and we should all be aware of it, and learn what to do when we see it (this will differ, depending on where you live).

In the case of research by doctors, it's a case by case basis for everything. Van der Hart abused clients, but that doesn't make a good portion of his research and work obsolete or wrong. He worked with two other doctors who weren't accused of anything, and the research is building off of others' work.

There's still viability in that specific research, despite what he did and despite what a shit doctor he was. Both can coexist. Knowing what he did, we need to be very critical when examining ALL his work. Did both Ross and Kluft put both good AND bad research into the field? Yes. Did they also do and say questionable things? A loud, resounding YES. No question. Should everyone be critical of their papers? Absolutely, always.

I have a "begrudging acceptance/hate" relationship with a lot of the big names out there. I'm critical of their actions and their work, but the validity of each and every individual article/book/experiment needs to be examined and compared against other (often questionable) research to decide whether there's any basis of use to it.

Do I think governing bodies need to be more proactive and stricter on those kinds of offences? Hell yeah. Do I want see doctors that do that crap held accountable? Fuck yes. Can I probably find a dozen other papers making the same point and stop using their names? If I can, I certainly will.

NOW COLIN ROSS

Has an ego

And continued to email me after our (very strange) conversation about different shows I could find him in and "fangirl" over

Yes, he said fangirl

Yes, I was shook

I desperately want to hear more about what it was like working with him, come back, tell me stories, please

EDIT: hold on, bear with me, I'm rethinking whether I actually know any useful Kluft articles

[lorata]

Would the Centre ever take a kid with psychosis or delusions or is that something that they actively select against?

I'm gonna be a bit flippant here, but is the kid good at killing? because if it doesn't get in the way of murder, it doesn't really matter.

ironically a lot of the later training sets out to induce and then teach the kids to manage late stage Arena-typical delusions via isolation, sleep deprivation, tracker jacker venom, etc., so it wouldn't even be all that weird. a LOT of candidates wind up hallucinating or suffering mild breaks with reality during training by design and part of the training is teaching them to deal with that so they don't completely lose control in the Arena. basic grounding and reality checks are part of the basic D2 tribute toolkit to avoid Week Three Syndrome

the field exam and the initial psych tests are designed to break the candidates down and find their weak points. this is where they quietly transfer most of the remaining kids away from the tribute stream, if they don't cut them from the Program altogether. if you pass with the right metrics, off you go to the tribute track. if you fail, you get a discharge for psychiatric reasons, and you go to detox with a recommendation for whatever job you want in the future. if you pass, but not with tribute scores, you stay but maybe you're transferred to the trainer track, or recruiting, or detox, or the Scouts, or any number of other recommendations once you graduate. and then, the ones who are left get to do it again with coaching

(obviously it's like ... super basic, in the same way that their swimming or self-surgery or plant identification skills are, it's survival levels not lifetime management)

but yeah it's hard to say? anything CAN disqualify you but at the same time very little is an outright disqualification if you're good and have even the slightest hint of a disposition they can use (bb Alec scored mega low on baseline aggression but ultra high on obedience and duty on top of physical ability, and they could work with that). the only thing that cuts you is not being good enough. if a candidate's symptoms get in the way of training, then they're out, but that's the same whether it's psychosis or asthma. so it really depends on that.

#anonymous #lorata answers #we must be killers: tales from district 2

[follicleclinic]

Anti Aging Skin Care and Treatments Dermatologists Use and Recommend

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's fairest of them all" might have been the uttering of one of the most hated characters we have come across, but this concern for outward good looks is too deep-rooted in the human psyche. The basic concept of beauty has been and remains to be soft, flawless, glowing skin. Advancing age, however, takes its toll and the skin becomes blotchy, rough and dull. Seen from this angle, the topic 'anti aging skin care and treatments' calls for sincere reflection. The sagging and sinking skins have had enough of natural beauty tips that do really well unless scars and wrinkles steal appearances and the once healthy skin falls an easy prey to advancing age. It is time now that they get some insight into the steps being taken in anti aging skin care and treatments.

A number of aesthetic or cosmetic plastic surgery like face-lifts, thread lifts, fat transfer and a host of non-surgical skin refinishing treatments are now available to fight back the impacts of aging and the harsh treatments meted out to skin. Given the wide selection of skin-rejuvenating treatments, it is preferable that a reliable dermatologist be entrusted with the responsibility of working out the ideal anti aging skin care treatment to eliminate and soften the effects of aging. Best Dermatologist in kota

The recommended skin care regimen prescribed by the skin specialist may be a singular or a combination cure, depending on the seriousness of the condition, age and other health related issues. The surgical part of the treatment is handled by the skin specialists but the follow-up skin care program necessitates total patient involvement.

The following section elaborates some of the anti aging skin care treatments, which can be used at home:

Glycolic Acid - Glycolic or 'fruity acid' treatments are good for pigmented aging skin. The bleaching-cum-moisturizing action of this anti aging skin care treatment removes the skin blotches and smoothens the rough, sun-damaged skin, reviving its natural freshness. Available in two forms (cream and face wash), Glycolic Acid should be applied to the face twice daily or as recommended by the skin specialist. There are no serious medical problems associated with the usage of glycolic acids other than causing temporary skin irritation and redness sometimes. It is regarded as a safe anti-aging skin treatment. Caring for the rejuvenated skin involves use of sun block creams too. Skin Specialist in Kota

TCA Skin Peels - The TCA skin peels are the most sought after anti-aging skin care treatments, because these medium strength peels are perfectly safe and essentially effective. They fight back the ravages of advancing years by removing facial lines and wrinkles and give back the skin its lost elasticity, suppleness.

The best thing about this easy-to-apply, home-based anti-aging skin care treatment is that its effect lasts up to a year or so. Twice a year application of TCA peels will certainly benefit the skin and are now available for at home use (see the website below for more on this).

[awesomeblog-92]

if you format the drive in Mac native format

WD Black P10 vs My Passport Ultra The USB Forum is really perplexing. Are you all set? Okay: Because the name USB 3.0 means SuperSpeed, it would be too simple to tell which USB is which, thus they don't use it. So it's named 3.0, but it's no more. 3.0 and 3.1 gen 1 are identical, with the same speed and other features (5gbps). Then there's USB 3.1 gen 2 (sometimes known as USB 3.0). It's a true improvement over the original's pace, but PSYCH! It's time for another name change! Now there are three versions of 3.1: 3.2 gen 1, 3.2 gen 2, and 3.2 gen 2 by 2! It's infuriating! In any case, this disc is USB 3.0 (or 3.1 gen 1, or 3.2 gen 1, or whatever you choose to call it). I've had this hard disc for four months and it has performed admirably. I'm a dedicated gamer who relies on fast internet connections. hile this hard drive was designed for games, it could also be used to store programmes, photos, and documents. In fact, if that's all you plan to do with it, it's overkill, but it will outperform non-gaming portable hard drives. Available in capacities up to 5TB(1) that can hold up to 125 games(2), so that you can save old favorites and still have room for new titles. |(1)As used for storage capacity, one gigabyte (GB) = one billion bytes and one terabyte (TB) = one trillion bytes. Total accessible capacity varies depending on operating environment. |(2)Number of games based on a 36GB average per game. The number of games will vary based on file size, formatting, other programs, and factors. Comes with an 18-inch (457mm) USB Type-A to Micro-B cable with SuperSpeed interface up to 5Gbps. (Cable length may vary.) Compatible with Xbox Series X|S (play and store Xbox One games / archive Xbox Series X|S games) and PlayStation 5 (play and store PS4 games/archive PS5 games) consoles. Portable form factor with sleek metal top covering that provides fast access to your growing game library Premium HDD with 3-year limited warranty, purpose-built for gamers based on WD_BLACK quality and reliability. The 99 dollar models transfer on my computer at around 90 MB sec, bought this USB-c model without realizing it was different, only transfers at 35 MB sec on same computer, considerably slower for more money, stay away. if you format the drive in Mac native format, and use a clone application like Bombich Carbon Copy Cloner (CCC), the external drive should be bootable on your Mac. You have to have macOS copied over, for it to be bootable. You hold down the option key when booting, to get a boot device selection menu during the boot. It should come with a 3.0 cable that is 2-3 feet long (B-type to A-type). I've yet to come across an external USB HDD or HDD enclosure that didn't come with a USB cable. Requires a USB-C cable. I purchased one for $10 at my local computer store.

[jauctin]

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[tokensbossh]

Is It Safe to Download APK Apps to Android Devices with Happymod?

Download Happy Mod Apk 2022 No Root & Free, Dangerous? Download HappyMod Apk 2022, Mod Game Lovers' Place, No Root Required & Free! If you are an Android user, you know very well what APK is. So what is Happymod, where you can download all kinds of mod apps? Is it safe to install? We have tried to answer these questions as much as possible in this article. If you're an Android user, I'm guessing APK is a familiar term. APK, whose full name is Android Package Kit, is a file type used to install and distribute applications compatible with the Android operating system. Thanks to the APK, you can package the application you want, move it wherever you want, install it whenever you want; However, there is one point where we need to be very careful: APK files can always contain malware, as they are downloaded from third-party sites and not from Google Play. This means that it will be safest for us and our device to download APK files from sites we trust, if possible.

What is this Happymod?

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As we mentioned, Happymod; It is an application where you can download all kinds of mod APKs that come to the rescue of those who need modded applications. Of course, it is very important to understand how safe this application is before starting the download process; after all, if there is a dangerous situation, it can affect you and your device quite badly. If you enter the 'About Us' section of the Happymod site, you will see that they clearly state that they do not make all the mods themselves, some mods come from the internet or are installed by users and editors. You can also see who the installer is under each downloadable content; so everything is clear. It is also worth adding that Happymod developers say that all applications are manually checked and selected one by one and that the application is completely safe to use. Another claim is that the application does not contain any viruses, malware or spyware. In summary, according to the developers of the application, you can use Happmod with peace of mind. User experiences also confirm this; Users seem to be quite satisfied with the services offered by Happymod for now.

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#Android

[wisteria-lodge]

Why do you hate the term "gifted"?

"Gifted" is a term that got a lot of play in American educational systems in the 90s though the early 2010s (it’s now slowly losing favor - and funding.) But at its height there was a lot of specialized programs for "gifted" students, a lot of specialized testing, that kind of thing.

And like... who came up with this term? "Gifted" is literally a synonym for BETTER. Some teachers taking a bunch of 12-13 year olds, dividing them into groups and calling one group "better?" Who thought this was a good idea. The ones who aren't chosen are either going to use this as more evidence that school is bullshit, OR they'll take this message to heart (and there is so much stuff about labels being self-fulfilling prophecies. You tell a little girl that 'girls aren't good at math' enough times, she'll start to believe you.)

Then the kids that ARE chosen as part of the "better" group... well, they're going to start feeling that weight of expectation - you are special, you are marked out as being something special, you had better be extraordinary. Which actually a terrible thing to tell a kid in the process of figuring themselves out. "Gifted kid burnout" is very, very much a thing. So many ex-Gifted kids saying, "I should be doing more/accomplishing more/working harder. I was supposed to be BETTER." A lot of them write into me.

And then there is the selection process itself. I was a gifted kid, of course I was. I had a huge vocabulary, read a lot, had a really good memory, and was "mature." (Another terrible thing to call a child - as far as I'm concerned, a "mature" child is one who is docile and good at mimicking authority and/or shouldering too much responsibility too young.) But my SISTER, who is a GENIUS, I mean it, she's smarter than me... SHE wasn't a "gifted" kid because she wasn't "mature" (read - she was a lot more emotionally well-adjusted and less of a suck-up.) She didn't read like I did (because she was teaching herself how to use Photoshop and video editing software, and making short films with her stop-motion maquettes.) And she didn't have the autism-memory superpower.

Because what gifted kids really are are out-of-order kids. Different aspects mature at different rates for different people, it's really that simple. So, "gifted" kids have certain skills that kick in early, but that generally means they have to wait on other skills that are... less flashy. More invisible. (No less important.) And part of gifted-kid disillusionment is watching other people "catch up" to them, while they're going back and learning the older lessons about identity, and self care, and socialization, and play.

There is this idea of a skill "carrying a weakness" which is VERY applicable to gifted kids. If those gifted programs were better, they probably would have taught us about things like executive functioning - which none of us knew how to do, because we all had some other skill (memory, meta-reasoning, background knowledge etc.) that carried us through the eighth grade curriculum. That's also a common gifted kid experience - falling apart later on because at some point your "superpower" isn't enough anymore, and you've got nothing else to fall back on.

I teach a lot of kids that would have been called "gifted" back in the 90s. Kids with tremendous skills, tremendous accomplishments, with the presentation of someone much older. I think of them as anakins, because to me - Anakin Skywalker is the platonic ideal of "gifted kid." Tremendously skilled, wants to seem older, but... a kid, with a lot of sticky bits of his psyche that aren't getting looked at. There are so many lessons about emotional maturity and what it means to be a functional person that just haven't kicked in yet. So, when I teach them, I focus on that. "Gifted" kids want to feel safe. They want to play. They want to be listened to. When they are scared, or unsure, or upset - they want a safe place to put those emotions. They don't want to be told to act more mature. They DON'T want to feel like they have to constantly have to impress you. They don't want to constantly have to live up to some kind of ideal.

#gifted kids #teaching #teaching stuff #one of my causes #gifted kid burnout

[suesylvesterf]

What was going to an all girls school like, if you don't mind me asking? :)

OK anon im so sorry this is so long and so convuluted I actually got so carried away jdbKJBGKSDBGH. i'm not even sure i properly answered your question i just got overwhelmed with Love for my same-sex schooling DHGKJSDFBHG anyway, if there's anything more you want to know lmk and I will try to be concise next time 💀

Essentially, my own experience at a single-sex secondary school was fantastic—however, I know my experience isn’t universal, especially since my school was a little bit different to most, I think.

That being said, I still think that sending your daughters to female-only secondary schools is something every parent should strive to do if they can. No other learning environment will ever be as good for girls as a same-sex school.

In terms of school staff, mine was about 95% female, and 5% male. The few male teachers we had were genuinely competent men and decent teachers, they were also watched like hawks. Our principal was female, all leadership positions in the school (such as House Leaders, Year Level Co-Ordinators, Department Heads, even the chaplain) were held by women. Our school psychologists, our nurses, our library technicians, our café ladies, our career advisors, our tutors—all were women. Our school houses (think like Harry Potter houses) were named after important women in our country’s history.

I went to a co-ed primary school. And whilst at twelve you might not have the words to describe it, graduating from a co-ed space, into an all-female space is really a giant weight off of your shoulders. You don’t realise how suffocating co-education is until you’re no longer having to bear it. It feels so much more natural, so much more free! You are welcomed as you are. You can be loud and unashamed of it. We joked frequently with each other and our teachers, laughed loudly and cared not whether our laughs were ‘ugly’. I found that teachers were far more supportive than they were in my co-ed school. For example, in a co-ed school I had been told frequently to ‘pipe down’ or to ‘reel it in’ from teachers, and more vexingly to ‘shut up’ from boys due to my boisterous personality. In high school? My teachers encouraged me to audition for the play because I had ‘great projection’. In every school programme (more on those later) that I was involved in, I was the one asked to give speeches about them at assembly. I was asked to be the lead of our house chants during our sports festivals. I was asked to join the debate team because of my passionate nature, which in primary school, had me known as ‘difficult’.

Likewise, I had a friend who was by nature quiet, and loved to draw. In primary school she’d doodled on the back of a work booklet, and when her teacher returned it, she’d taken off two points and had written a comment saying something about teachers in high school not accepting work that was drawn on.

Do you know what happened when she got to high school? Our English teacher had seen the eye she’d drawn on the back of our Romeo and Juliet test and had written, ‘beautiful!’ above it. The next test, she drew a two-headed cat with witches’ hats on both heads (I remember the left head was called Turpentine and the right head was called Esmeralda). Our teacher wrote, ‘wonderful!’ above it, with a smiley face.

The next day she got an email from our art teacher that had a PDF flyer of information on both in-school and local art competitions.

Anyway, she had questions and that teacher answered every single one of them. She also personally helped her select the works she wanted to submit. She ended up having two pieces shown in the school gallery, along forty pieces made by other girls. About five years later for our final year, on that art teacher’s recommendation (and tutelage!) she took all of the visual art subjects on offer. When she graduated, her final piece was shown at a public exhibition in our state’s capital city, that honoured the best pieces done by select graduating students in the state.

So yeah. Our teachers were pretty amazing. Of course, there was the odd teacher or two you would butt heads with but that’s just a universal school experience. Our humanities classes, like history, for example, often had a unit that would focus on the female experience of a certain time period. For example, when learning about WW2, we did projects on female resistance fighters et cetera.

We had health classes that were actually focused on female health. We learnt about female anatomy (even the clitoris! Though we were all about thirteen/fourteen at this time so we found it incredibly awkward to talk about), as well as symptoms of PCOS during our menstrual unit. We learnt about contraceptive methods and devices (however, as a Catholic school they did have to tell us that whilst these methods are available, the church-sanctioned method is of course, abstinence).

Whilst the majority of the girls shaved their legs and wore makeup, as someone who did neither of those things I rarely felt judgement about it (albeit, I think there was a little for my lack of makeup, but this only lasted the first two years). A good portion of our staff also did not wear makeup, I don’t recall this ever being commented on. And, by the time we’d reached about our third year, a good portion of my year level and the ones above did not wear makeup on a daily basis. Leg hair was not looked down upon by any of us I don’t think by this year either. In fact, if you were particularly hairy often your hairless friends asked to rub your legs!

We were never short of female role-models, our staff made sure of that. We had multiple days per year when guest speakers would come and talk to us, mostly these were women who were experts in their fields—whether that be neuroscience or computer science, linguistics and literature or mathematics, politics, et cetera. The only times we really had male guest speakers was when police officers (one male one female) came to give us an assembly about sexual peer-pressure and laws around sharing nudes that was basically, “these are common (male) manipulation tactics used to pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do, don’t fall for them”.

We were encouraged to take STEM subjects, and those of us that had taken interest in computer programming were sent to coding programmes in the city during school hours! That’s how keen our teachers were to get more women into the field! This was the same with the girls interested in politics, who got to go to Model UN events, as well as mock parliaments in the country’s capitol.

We had a lot of programmes generally. A few overseas ones for girls who were in LOTE (languages other than English) classes. A few interstate ones, too. And of course, local programmes and excursions. Most of them (aside from the LOTE ones which focused on immersion) were volunteer programmes aimed at helping women and girls. The rest were about furthering our own skills or learning new ones. Majority of these were year-level based, but a few depended on the clubs/groups/classes you were in. For example, I was part of the Writer’s Club, and we took an excursion to the state Writer’s Festival and listened to female writers as well as feminist panels. We also had self-defence programmes every year.

In terms of peers I generally found everyone to be quite amiable by the time we’d reached our third/fourth year. There’s a common myth about all girls schools being filled with ‘catty’ girls who are constantly bitching about one another, but I really did not find that to ring true. There were a few fights and arguments in the earlier years, I was part of quite a lot lol but that’s honestly… just something that happens at school, at any school. Largely, we were good to each other. If someone was crying there was always someone who’d ask her what was wrong. If you missed the notes on the slide, there was always a girl willing to share her notes with you.

I think going to an all-girl’s school, and not having that much interaction with the opposite sex generally for that six-year period truly does something, I think, to your psyche. We are socialised to look down on our fellow woman, socialised to look down upon ourselves. But actually being constantly surrounded by women, and almost ONLY women, really helps to undo that. Even now I could not describe the fierce love I have for all those women and girls I came in contact with during my time there—even the ones I bickered with. Each and every single woman I met there enriched my life in some way or another. I think that is the effect of consistently spending time in any female-only space: developing a true appreciation for women. It is the only reasonable conclusion to come to.

I have been out of high school for two years, and in university for one. Among the many men I have met since, none of them have even been able to hold a candle to the any women and girls I know.

Anyway. TLDR: it slapped, send your daughters to same-sex schools!!

#this is so long sorry #long post #radfem safe #separatism #radfem

[psycholojosh]

Road to RPsy: A master's student's guide for Filipino psychology graduates in making a career headway in the Philippines - Part 1

Let's paint this picture for a moment...

You get into your psychology program (or any other program) in a Filipino college or university. You study hard. And then, you achieve your well-deserved bachelor's degree. While you shake hands and celebrate for about a month (just as you should), you sooner realize and ask, "Now what?" Then, you ponder on how to get your career in clinical psychology started. Possibly, you got anxious, confused, or maybe even determined.

If this is (or was) you, don't worry! You're perfectly okay. Trust me, I've been there before... and we shouldn't feel ashamed for this.

Which is why I'd like to take this time to write about my personal and professional experiences as a college graduate of psychology in the Philippines, and how I managed to craft my own headway into getting clinical training and graduate studies for clinical psychology. I sincerely hope that this little article would help a fellow psychology graduate craft their own headway into clinical psychology (or any other field of the sort). I'd also like to share some tips from my past and present mentors, colleagues, coworkers, and professors that I find useful to take note of.

I separated this into a series of articles to keep reading concise and organized. For this part, I start off with discussing...

What psychology careers in the Philippines looks like

How goals can be set in order to get an RPsy; and

Selecting the postgraduate school or program for you

Keep reading to find out more!

Key Points (TL;DR)

There are many myths and misconceptions that narrow one's view about psychology and its careers; but there are actually a lot of opportunities.

Keep yourself open to opportunities, be it for training or career, that will help propel you to snatching an RPsy license.

Clinical experience is key. But, do not discount non-clinical experiences as well.

Practice 'SMART' (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and time-bound) goal setting for your career.

Choosing a school is dependent on your preferred training, scholastic interests, career goals, personal motivations, and (financial) resources.

Before I begin...

I'd like to first disclose what my biases and limits are, and what potentially could be a matter that you, dear reader, should consider before taking any advice from me. So, here's a little bit about myself...

Firstly, I am a young adult and pretty much novice to the field of psychology. I have gone through two years (and counting) of clinical experience as a licensed psychometrician. I do not declare myself an expert yet, nor do I pride myself as the most reliable person in the field of psychology. This article is written purely in my personal perspective and experiences. That said, I will do my best to offer you up-to-date information and objectivity that may support or criticize my views.

Secondly, I come from a very middle-class family. My parents made just about enough for us to pay the bills, to feed, clothe, and shelter us, and to give us a decent education. I firmly think this disclosure is very important since not everyone has the same privileges in terms of education, opportunity, and resources. There are some career decisions that I have made or experienced because I had the capacity to make them so despite certain critical tradeoffs (like, getting less pay). As of writing, I would say that our status is still the same, even if I make my own profit with my college degree. I will do my best to be considerate about the differing backgrounds among people, especially when it comes to privilege offered by social class.

Lastly, I'd like to emphasize that my word is not gospel and should not be taken easily by those who seek importance or utility to what I will share. The tone I will use will be very personal - as this is my personal blog. Plus, I will be largely biased towards clinical psychology, as it is the field I am in. You may find that some pieces of advice will resonate more with you than others. Conversely, you might find that some pieces of advice may be unhelpful for you. Hence, I welcome any criticism to my personal views and open myself to a healthy discussion. (Feel free to reach me through my Ask page here on my blog.) I highly encourage you, dear reader, to look for more opinions from more seasoned professionals in the field.

Now, on to the article...

The current scene of psychology careers in the Philippines

As I was graduating, it was important for me to look for information about careers in psychology in the country. After all, as you will see later, getting an idea of psychology's zeitgiest (a term used by historians to refer to the salient "mood" or "spirit" of ideas or beliefs of, say, an academic field) this country will inform you in your career goal setting and considering options that will lead you to where you want to be.

Psychology in the Philippines has a lot of stereotypes, myths, and misconceptions brought about by pop psychology spread across the masses. Here are some of the popular ones (and my personal favorites) which you may have already heard from people around you:

"Sa HR mapupunta ang isang Psych grad." ("Psych grads end up in HR [work].")

"Psych ka? Magme-med/Maglo-law ka ba?" ("You study Psych? Are you pursuing med/law?")

"Wala naman masyadong pera/future sa Psych." ("There's no money/future in Psych.")

"Psych? So yung mga baliw yung trabaho mo?" ("Psych? So you work on crazy people?")

And there's plenty more where that came from. Funnily enough, my college friends and I used to do a game where we take a shot of liquor for each myth said to us. (Drink responsibly, kids!) But, as psychology graduates, we know that these aren't completely true.

Now, let's take a look at how we can argue in psychology's defense and dignity and accept what the common person has gotten correctly.

Psychology practice in the Philippines

It's important to note that the term 'psychologist' or 'psychology practitioner' has different meanings in various contexts. Often, we think about psychologists as those who does therapy and plays around with psychological instruments. While this is somewhat true, a more academic language would refer to a 'psychologist' or 'practitioner' as someone who earned their degree in psychology - regardless of specialty - and has built their career in praxis of psychology. As I go along in this section, I'll refer to the 'psychologist' as the latter definition.

Clinical and counselling. In a 2004 article by Cristina Montiel and Lota Teh published in the International Handbook of Psychology, the authors enumerated on and expounded the most popular fields and specializations that psychology practitioners work in. Clinical or counselling practitioners lead in this list, often delving into psychotherapy, interventions, and assessment in various settings -- of which I have had experience on. I think this appears to be only partially true today, which I'll explain in a bit. You would find most practitioners doing their clinical practice in private clinics, hospitals, and schools. It's important to note, however, that most practitioners of this subfield have postgraduate degrees, and - since the year 2014, when Republic Act No. 10029 was enacted - a board license from Philippine Professional Regulation Commission (PRC). These licensed professionals have the names: 'RPsy' for psychologists.

However, bachelor's degree holders were also permitted to practice with their own little license: an 'RPm' or 'registered psychometrician' - which I have. These licensed professionals, get to practice assessment and several other supportive clinical functions - but not psychotherapy. The catch? You legally and ethically need to be supervised by a licensed psychologist. I'd like to get into the nitty-gritty differences and nuances of these two licenses, but I'll save that for another article. In the meantime, you must understand that these two have disparities in terms of their education attainment, clinical skills, and professional autonomy.

During my oath-taking ceremony as a psychometrician in 2018, Dr. Regina Hechanova-Alampay, a known Filipina in the fields of industrial-organizational and community psychology (and the mom of one of my dear friends), stated in her keynote address that the approximate ratio of each RPsy to each Filipino citizen is 1 to 100,000. A 2018 study has pointed this approximation to be accurate. Similarly, my former clinical supervisor approximated that the ratio of RPsy supervisors to RPm supervisees is 1 to 2,000. These numbers are quite a lot! Needless to say, there is a shortage of supply of clinical practitioners for the demand and a large influx of RPm's that have less clinical autonomy. And with an ever-growing relevance and awareness to the field of mental health in the country, these numbers are concerning. But -- hold on. If there are a lot of RPm's being produced yearly, where do they go?

Industrial-organizational and human resources. Montiel and Teh accounted that the second most abundant field in the country is in industrial-organizational (I/O) psychology or human resources (HR). This is where I think most psychology graduates usually end up in after college these days. Daresay, this is the fastest way to earn money as a fresh college graduate. But does that mean that the stereotype is necessarily true? It really depends on the way an employer values the employee and how much one is capable of doing a job. Sometimes, you get paid more, just right, or less.

I/O psychologists or HR practitioners often deal in corporate or organizational settings, often concerned with their person-related matters. They have skills like recruiting talent or labor, assessing worker needs, evaluating individual performances, or developing workers of a company - just to name a few. Do they need a license like an RPsy or RPm? Not necessarily.

You would often find job postings for HR positions that would often "prefer" a psychology graduate with a license, but sometimes "require" it. Therein lies some grey areas about how the professional licenses' stipulations are interpreted. But, let's not get into that just yet. But in my opinion, if people saw the utility of getting a license (which has its own financial costs of acquiring) as a way to improve compensation or marketability in the workforce, then they should get it.

Not all industrial-organizational psychologists, however, delve into the office hours and paper works. Some others go into research - particularly on topics like employee behaviors, group dynamics, and so on. It's important to think that these types of practitioners are just as versatile as other subfields in psychology.

Academia and other niches of psychology. As per Montiel and Teh, another large chunk of practitioners often end up in the academe. They become educators in various levels, researchers, or expert consultants depending on their interest, skill, and reputation. For example, developmental psychologists (or those who specialize in child psychology) get hired in preschools or alternative modes of learning. It was also mentioned briefly that social psychologists often find themselves in the social development sector, like the National Economic Development Agency (NEDA) or the Department for Social Welfare and Development (DSWD). Other common settings for psychology graduates to work in includes government facilities and the military, where their knowledge about human behavior are often found useful.

Research skills are also found useful in areas like market research and analytics. Because psychology graduates have knowledge about fundamentals of statistics and psychological measurement, a lot of these businesses employ their help in order to understand their target market's consumer behaviors and make informed decisions to increase profit. Other information about making a career in business can come be read in a lot of psychoeducational websites, like in Verywell Mind.

Overall, there is a plethora of careers a psychology graduate can delve into, especially for a fresh graduate like yourself. Over time, you would find that certain subfields would resonate more with you than others. You may often wonder which one - or a combination of more - would lead you to your career or personal ambitions. Now that you know how vast a career in psychology can be, it's a matter of choice and planning ahead, which leads me to the next section.

Goal-setting: Which road to take and what to expect

Eyeing the precious RPsy license won't be an easy task. Then again, would the hardships matter if it's worth it anyway? It's important for you, dear reader, to think about how you want to get to that goal.

Should one want to take a straightforward path, she or he would have taken their master's or doctorate studies in clinical or counselling psychology for the following three to five years (with coursework, practicum, and perhaps thesis or dissertation), then take the board exam from the PRC. I have a couple of friends who have done so, and it works for them.

However, for the likes of many of us - myself included - we may not have the same luxury of time or resources to afford us this direct route. Because of many personal needs (ahem-- financial), we may need to find a way to secure these as we go along our road to the RPsy. And how could I forget the costs of postgraduate studies alone? Which is why we'll need to earn or find income.

The best job or experience that can afford you a good head start in clinical psychology is the one closest to it. As my former supervisor, Paula, once said, "Clinical experience is key." For example, you can find psychometricians assisting with psychological assessments in various settings. Others delved into social or community work -- sometimes as a volunteer. The likelihood for one to get accepted in clinical or counselling training programs, like a postgraduate degree or certification training, is increased when one has had a hand on a similar line of work. But this is not to say that any other job is unimportant -- no. There's growing research on the various applications of mental health practice on non-clinical settings, like schools, offices, and even micro-communities. The possibilities are actually numerous. That said, I cannot guarantee how abundant these opportunities are.

There are a few things to consider when looking for a job or a source of income:

In terms of career, what are your yes's, maybe's, and no's? Make individual lists of the occupations you can say these three answers to.

How soon are you planning to achieve an RPsy license? As soon as the next four years? Or, maybe you want to take it slow and say ten?

What job and/or study opportunities are available to you at the moment? How comfortable will the setup be for you?

How much resources and time are available to you for work, study, and personal matters? Which of these do you prioritize more?

How much are you willing or do you need to be compensated to afford such a lifestyle?

As you formulate answers to these questions (especially, the last two), keep in mind that a more effective goal setting follows a 'SMART' process. That is: it is specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and time-bound. (More info about this process right here.) Patterning our goals to these dimensions helps us look at ourselves objectively and find an integrated way to live our lives productively.

In my personal experience, after graduating college, I took a two month break to enjoy the fruits of my hard-earned college degree with a "vacation" (which mostly staying home, if I'm being honest). In my mind, I knew that getting a master's degree is a must for me; a ladderized doctorate program was also amenable but I wanted to get that training abroad. But, I wanted to make myself more immersed in the field before I can enter a graduate program. I applied to different jobs - a psychological services consultant (which I primarily wanted), a personal development teacher in senior high, and a research analyst. Luckily, I got the job that I wanted and reaped clinical experience. (I'll write more about my first experiences in the clinic in another post.) A year later, I applied and got into the clinical program of the University of the Philippines. And now, I've been taking coursework on clinical psychology while working as a research associate of a particular office in the same university.

I understand, however, that not everybody could find the "perfect" balance or ideal solution to all of these concerns. In fact, I don't think anyone can -- unless you were blessed with such a life. Why? This is where I reflectively talk about my privilege (as I did at the beginning). Awareness of your own opportunities makes us think fully or subconsciously about our own status in the social system. Whether we like it or not, it affects many of the career - and more broadly, life - decisions depending on where we stand in our lives. Which is why I advocate for practicality. We may not always select the ideal -- but the principle of survival is important, especially in an underdeveloped country like the Philippines. As Montiel and Teh pointed out, poverty and economics have affected psychology practice and it opportunities in the country.

Can goals or plans change? Short answer is 'yes'. There are many reasons why our plans change. It may be because we find ourselves being presented by new or better opportunities. Or perhaps, we discover more personal insights and realizations about the career we want and how to get it. Life can be complex to influence our decisions within or without our control. Whatever the reason is, it is important for one to be able to evaluate one's strengths and weaknesses, limits and boundaries, and our emotions and motivation to keep us going.

Choosing your school: Which one should I go to?

It's very common for a psychology graduate to ask: Where should I get my clinical training? Again, this is dependent on your resources, time, and preferences. Coupled with these is the opportunities (or as Bandura would put it - chance encounters and fortuitous events).

Locally, there are about 60% of schools that offer master's degrees in clinical or counselling psychology as per Commission of Higher Education (CHED). A fewer percentage offers Ph.D. or doctorate equivalent degrees in clinical or counselling psychology, the three most famous being (as per Montiel and Teh): the Ateneo de Manila University, the University of the Philippines, and University of Santo Tomas. However, there is a growing number of urban and rural schools that offer postgraduate studies and attract local aspirants to enroll in their programs. At the top of my mind, St. Louis' University in Baguio City has been regarded as one of the best in developmental psychology (currently considered as a viable alternative to clinical psychology). Likewise, the De La Salle University in Manila, a member of the colloquially regarded "Big Four Universities," is gaining traction for their clinical program very recently.

Focusing on a school's reputation is not enough, however. What, us, clinical psychology hopefuls often look over is the training itself. Circling back to my guide questions on goal setting, preferences often come into play when deciding your training. For most, who prefer a general track in clinical psychology, many schools offer a flexible education to ensure you get the wide knowledge of the field, without undermining the core or essentials. Others may teach clinical psychology in a more specific way, favoring practical experiences like internships over theorizing in the classroom. Factors like faculty composition and expertise, paradigm, and school culture often influence how these training programs are developed. What I find helpful to attain this information is to ask these departments and institutions directly. Another approach is asking a friend taking up a program in that school. No harm in inquiry! Ask away.

Of course, like what I have also emphasized in this article, is the sensitive yet important issue of money. To be specific, your tuition. Clinical training in the Philippines ranges from ₱10,000 to ₱50,000.00 a year. The trend (as I've observed from applying in different schools) is that the more privatized and more "complex" the education, the higher the cost. Public schools often come cheaper than private schools. Consider your capacities for funding your education (including where it comes from) and weigh it with your preferences to make an optimal choice of school or program.

A popular notion among graduate students, or those heading into graduate school, is that public schools, like where I study, often take longer to finish a master's degree than others. Well, there are many factors to this. One is faculty size, for example. How many qualified teachers does the school have that supplies a smooth progression for a graduate student to complete their degrees? Another factor - which many often forget to attribute as well - is the student's motivation. It is not uncommon for a graduate student to fluctuate in wanting to accomplish their degrees. It really depends on how determined one is to see things through (which takes a lot of doing, if I do say so myself).

Overall, choosing a school is much less of an issue when it comes to time, but more so when it comes to practicality. In my opinion, any school that gives you basic competencies, regardless of reputation, is enough. In fact, most of my supervisors did not even settle for their graduate training alone. The field of clinical psychology (much like the other fields) is ever changing and adapting to the times. You often find a lot of trainings, seminars, and specialization programs that practitioners study or enroll in order to keep their practice up to date and ethical. Learning and personal growth, especially as clinicians, should not stop after we receive our degrees and licenses. Again, this calls back to the point of keeping an open eye and open mind on the opportunities that come our way.

--

Now that we discussed the first three tips, I plan to take a break here and let you, dear reader, reflect on things that will help you make your headway to that RPsy license. Do more reading. Ask questions. Seek answers. And explore yourself and the world to get a better sense of the pathway ahead.

I do hope that this discussion helps! See you on the next one.

#psychology graduates #psychometrician #psychologist #RPm #RPsy #filipino psychology #career tips #philippines #RoadToRPsy #filipino psychometrician #grad school #grad student #RPmNotes

[spacetimewithstuartgary]

Science of Psyche: Unique Asteroid Holds Clues to Early Solar System Set to launch next year, NASA’s Psyche mission marks the first time the agency has set out to explore an asteroid richer in metal than rock or ice. More than 150 years have passed since novelist Jules Verne wrote “Journey to the Center of the Earth,” but reality has yet to catch up with that science fiction adventure. While humans can’t bore a path to our planet’s metallic core, NASA has its sights set on visiting a giant asteroid that may be the frozen remains of the molten core of a bygone world. Called Psyche, this asteroid orbits the Sun in the main asteroid belt, between Mars and Jupiter. Using data gathered from Earth-based radar and optical telescopes, scientists believe that Psyche is made largely of metal. It could be part or all of the iron-rich interior of an early planetary building block that was stripped of its outer rocky shell as it repeatedly collided with other large bodies during the early formation of the solar system. The asteroid, which is about 173 miles (280 kilometers) at its widest point, could also be something else. It could be the leftover piece of a completely different kind of iron-rich body that formed from metal-rich material somewhere in the solar system. NASA’s Psyche mission hopes to find out. Set for an August 2022 launch, the spacecraft will for two years orbit the asteroid it was named after, taking pictures, mapping the surface, and looking for evidence of an ancient magnetic field. Psyche also will study the neutrons and gamma rays coming from the asteroid’s surface to help determine its elemental composition. At NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory, an engineer inspects the gamma ray and neutron spectrometer as it is integrated into the agency's Psyche spacecraft. The instrument will help determine the elements that make up its target. The first mission to explore an asteroid with a surface that contains substantial amounts of metal rather than rock or ice, Psyche seeks to better understand iron cores, an unexplored building block of planet formation. The mission also potentially provides the first opportunity to directly examine the inside of a rocky planet by offering a look at the interior of a previously layered planetary body that otherwise could never be seen. What scientists learn could shed additional light on how Earth and other rocky planets formed. “There are a lot of basic questions about Psyche that are unanswered,” said the mission’s principal investigator, Lindy Elkins-Tanton of Arizona State University. “And with every detail that gets added from data we can collect from Earth, it just becomes harder to make a sensible story. We really don’t know what we’re going to see until we visit, and we’re going to be surprised.” For instance, previous ground-based observations led scientists to believe that the asteroid was as much as 90% metal. Recent research led by Elkins-Tanton used updated density measurements to estimate that the asteroid is more likely between 30% and 60% metal. And scientists are puzzled why Psyche appears to be low in iron oxides, which are chemical compounds made of iron and oxygen. Mars, Mercury, Venus, and Earth all have them. “So if we’re correct that Psyche is a mixture of metal and rock, and the rock has very little iron oxide, then there’s got to be a strange story about how it was created – because it doesn’t fit the standard stories of planetary creations,” Elkins-Tanton said. Mystery of Psyche Scientists also don’t know where Psyche formed. It might have originated inside the main asteroid belt, but it’s also possible that it was born in the same zone as the inner planets like Earth – or in outer solar system, where giant planets like Jupiter now reside. Neither origin story follows a simple path to where Psyche lives now, 280 million miles (450 million kilometers) from the Sun. Asteroids in general can offer insight into planet formation and how the early solar system worked 4.6 billion years ago. But Psyche is particularly interesting to scientists because of how unusual it is, with its metal content, high density, and low concentration of iron oxides. “The fact that it’s so unusual is telling us a new story that we haven’t seen before about how asteroids evolved,” said Bill Bottke, Psyche mission scientist of the Southwest Research Institute in Boulder, Colorado. “That’s a piece of the story we don’t have right now. By getting that piece together with all the others we have, we continue to refine our story of how the solar system formed and evolved early on.” Tools of the Trade To help figure out the asteroid’s origins, the mission’s science investigation will rely on a magnetometer, a gamma ray and neutron spectrometer, and a multispectral imager. Scientists know that the asteroid doesn’t generate a magnetic field the way Earth does, but if Psyche had a magnetic field in the past, it could still be recorded in the asteroid’s material today. With sensors mounted onto a 6-foot (2-meter) boom, the magnetometer can determine whether Psyche is still magnetized. If so, that would confirm that the asteroid is part of the core of an early planetesimal, the building block of an early planet. The orbiter’s gamma ray and neutron spectrometer instrument will help scientists determine the asteroid’s chemical elements. As cosmic rays and high-energy particles impact Psyche’s surface, the elements that make up the surface material absorb the energy. The neutrons and gamma rays they emit in response can be detected by the spectrometer, allowing scientists to match their properties to those emitted by known elements to determine what Psyche is made of. Meanwhile, a pair of color cameras make up the multispectral imager. The imager is sensitive to light just beyond what humans can see, using filters in the ultraviolet and near-infrared wavelengths. The light reflected in these filters could help determine the mineralogy of any rocky material that may exist on Psyche’s surface. The spacecraft’s telecommunications system will help with the science as well. The X-band radio system is primarily used to send commands to the spacecraft and receive engineering and science data from it. But scientists can also analyze subtle changes in these radio waves to measure the body’s rotation, wobble, mass, and gravity field, providing additional clues about the composition and structure of Psyche’s interior. Eyes on Psyche But before any of this science analysis gets underway, there will be pictures. By late 2025, three years after launch, Psyche will be within sight of the asteroid, and the imager team will be on high alert. “Even before we get into orbit, we’ll start getting much better pictures than we can from telescopes on Earth. We’ll start to resolve features, see big craters, crater basins – maybe mountain ranges. Who knows what we’ll see?” said Jim Bell of Arizona State University, deputy principal investigator of Psyche and imager team lead. “All we know is that the reality of Psyche is going to be even weirder and more beautiful than we can imagine.” More About the Mission ASU leads the Psyche mission. NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Southern California is responsible for the mission’s overall management, system engineering, integration and test, and mission operations. The mission phase known as assembly, test and launch operations is currently underway at JPL. By next spring, Psyche will be fully assembled and ready to ship to NASA’s Kennedy Space Center. JPL also is providing a technology demonstration instrument called Deep Space Optical Communications that will also fly on Psyche, which will test high-data-rate laser communications that could be used by future NASA missions. Psyche is the 14th mission selected as part of NASA’s Discovery Program. IMAGE 1....This illustration depicts NASA’s Psyche spacecraft, set to launch in August 2022. Credit: NASA/JPL-Caltech/ASU IMAGE 2....This photo shows Psyche's multispectral imager, in the process of assembly and testing on September 13, 2021, at Malin Space Science Systems in San Diego, California. IMAGE 3....Engineers at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Southern California integrate the magnetometer instrument into the agency's Psyche spacecraft on June 28, 2021. The instrument will help determine if the Psyche asteroid is part of a planetesimal. IMAGE 4....At NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory, an engineer inspects the gamma ray and neutron spectrometer as it is integrated into the agency's Psyche spacecraft. The instrument will help determine the elements that make up its target. Credit: NASA/JPL-Caltech IMAGE 5....At NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory, engineers integrate a gamma ray and neutron spectrometer into the agency's Psyche spacecraft. The instrument will help determine the elements that make up its target, an asteroid also named Psyche.Credit: NASA/JPL-Caltech Full Image Details

#space #science #Astronomy #physics #news #nasa #psyche

[ucflibrary]

Welcome to Asian Pacific American Heritage Month!

It has been a difficult 14 months for the world, but our Asian American Pacific Islander (AAPI) brothers and sisters have faced even more struggles. From small harassments to intense acts of violence, the AAPI community has borne the brunt of American fears and grief relating to the pandemic. These malicious acts demonstrate as a country we are not living up to the ideals of our nation. As Americans and Knights, we need to demonstrate these ideals are worth fighting for. Actions you can take range from learning more about the AAPI experience and history to using any privilege we have to push back against racism and violence.

One way to learn more about AAPI history and experiences is to visit the Libraries’ Readings on Race guide. This guide includes a page for general information about racism in America and how to have conversations about it to pages specifically addressing the experiences of marginalized communities in the United States such as Asian America Pacific Islander, African American, Hispanic/Latinx, and Indigenous. Take some time to familiarize yourself with lived experiences beyond your own race or ethnicity so we can stand together and become a more inclusive Knight community.

If you witness or experience incidents of discrimination or violence, report them to the university. If any of these incidents have impacted you, UCF has resources that can help. For more information, visit UCF Cares, Student Care Services or UCF Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) if you are a student, and the Employee Assistance Program if you are an employee.

 For 2021 Asian Pacific American Heritage Month, UCF Libraries faculty and staff have suggested these 20 books from the library’s collection by or about Asian Pacific Americans. Click the link below to see the full list, descriptions, and catalog links. There is also an extensive physical display on the main floor of the John C. Hitt Library near the Research & Information Desk.

A Burning by Megha Majumdar After a fiery attack on a train leaves 104 people dead, the fates of three people become inextricably entangled. Jivan, a bright, striving woman from the slums looking for a way out of poverty, is wrongly accused of planning the attack because of a careless comment on Facebook. PT Sir, a slippery gym teacher from Jivan's former high school, has hitched his aspirations to a rising right wing party, and his own ascent becomes increasingly linked to Jivan's fall. Lovely, a spirited, impoverished, relentlessly optimistic hjira, who harbors dreams of becoming a Bollywood star, can provide the alibi that would set Jivan free - but her appearance in court will have unexpected consequences that will change the course of all of their lives. A novel about fate, power, opportunity, and class; about innocence and guilt, betrayal and love, and the corrosive media cycle that manufactures falsehoods masquerading as truths. Suggested by Sara Duff, Acquisitions and Collection Services

 American History Unbound: Asians and Pacific Islanders by Gary K. Okihiro A survey of U.S. history from its beginnings to the present, this  reveals our past through the lens of Asian American and Pacific Islander history. In so doing, it is a work of both history and anti-history, a narrative that fundamentally transforms and deepens our understanding of the United States. This text is accessible and filled with engaging stories and themes that draw attention to key theoretical and historical interpretations. Gary Y. Okihiro positions Asians and Pacific Islanders within a larger history of people of color in the United States and places the United States in the context of world history and oceanic worlds. Suggested by Sandy Avila, Research & Information Services

 American Panda by Gloria Chao A freshman at MIT, seventeen-year-old Mei Lu tries to live up to her Taiwanese parents' expectations, but no amount of tradition, obligation, or guilt prevent her from hiding several truths-- that she is a germaphobe who cannot become a doctor, she prefers dancing to biology, she decides to reconnect with her estranged older brother, and she is dating a Japanese boy. Can she find a way to be herself, before her web of lies unravels? Suggested by Pam Jaggernauth, Curriculum Materials Center

 Asian American History: a very short introduction by Madeline Y. Hsu Madeline Y. Hsu weaves a fascinating historical narrative of this "American Dream." She shows how Asian American success, often attributed to innate cultural values, is more a result of the immigration laws, which have largely pre-selected immigrants of high economic and social potential. Asian Americans have, in turn, been used by politicians to bludgeon newer (and more populous) immigrant groups for their purported lack of achievement. Hsu deftly reveals how public policy, which can restrict and also selectively promote certain immigrant populations, is a key reason why some immigrant groups appear to be more naturally successful and why the identity of those groups evolves differently from others. Suggested by Richard Harrison, Research & Information Services

 Eyes That Kiss in the Corners by Joanna Ho A young Asian girl notices that her eyes look different from her peers'. They have big, round eyes and long lashes. She realizes that her eyes are like her mother's, her grandmother's, and her little sister's. They have eyes that kiss in the corners and glow like warm tea, crinkle into crescent moons, and are filled with stories of the past and hope for the future. Drawing from the strength of these powerful women in her life, she recognizes her own beauty and discovers a path to self love and empowerment. This powerful, poetic picture book will resonate with readers of all ages and is a celebration of diversity. Suggested by Pam Jaggernauth, Curriculum Materials Center

 Frankly in Love by David Yoon High school senior Frank Li is caught between his parents' traditional expectations and his own Southern California upbringing. His parents have one rule when it comes to romance: ‘Date Korean.’ But Frank falls for Brit Means, who is smart, beautiful-- and white. Joy Song is in a similar predicament, and they make a pact: they'll pretend to date each other in order to gain their freedom. It seems like the perfect plan, until their fake-dating maneuver leaves Frank wondering if he ever really understood love- or himself- at all. Suggested by Pam Jaggernauth, Curriculum Materials Center

 Ghosts of Gold Mountain: the epic story of the Chinese who built the Transcontinental Railroad by Gordon H. Chang The long-lost tale of the Chinese workers who built the Transcontinental Railroad, helping to forge modern America only to disappear into the shadows of history. In this groundbreaking book, award-winning historian Gordon H. Chang recovers the stories of these "silent spikes" and returns them to their rightful place in our national saga. Drawing on recent archaeological findings, as well as payroll records, ship manifests, photographs, and other sources from American and Chinese archives, Chang retraces the laborers' odyssey in breathtaking detail. He introduces individual workers, describes their hopes and fears, and shows how they lived, ate, fought, loved, worked, and worshiped. Their sweat and blood not only fueled the ascent of an interlinked, industrial United States, but also laid the groundwork for a thriving Chinese America. A magisterial feat of scholarship and storytelling, this book honors these immigrants' sacrifice and ingenuity, and celebrates their role in this defining American achievement. Suggested by Richard Harrison, Research & Information Services

 Good Enough by Paul  Yoo A Korean American teenager tries to please her parents by getting into an Ivy League college, but a new guy in school and her love of the violin tempt her in new directions. Suggested by Megan Haught, Student Learning & Engagement/Research & Information Services

 Interior Chinatown by Charles Yu Everyday Willis Wu leaves his tiny room in a Chinatown SRO and enters the Golden Palace restaurant, where Black and White, a procedural cop show, is in perpetual production. He's a bit player here too, but he dreams of being Kung Fu Guy-- and he sees his life as a script. After stumbling into the spotlight, Willis finds himself launched into a wider world than he has ever known, discovering not only the secret history of Chinatown, but the buried legacy of his own family, and what that means for him in today's America. Suggested by Ying Zhang, Administration

 Last Witnesses: reflections on the wartime internment of Japanese Americans edited by Erica Harth To the writers in this book - novelists, memoirists, poets, activists, scholars, students, professionals - the World War II internment of Japanese Americans in the detention camps is an unfinished chapter of American history that mars the nostalgic glow that often surrounds the World War II home front years. Former internees, like John Tateishi and Robert Maeda, and children of detainees and of camp officials join with others in challenging readers to construct a better future by confronting this dark episode from America's World War II scrapbook. Suggested by Richard Harrison, Research & Information Services

 Minor Feelings: an Asian American reckoning by Cathy Park Hong With sly humor and a poet’s searching mind, Hong uses her own story as a portal into a deeper examination of racial consciousness in America today. This intimate and devastating book traces her relationship to the English language, to shame and depression, to poetry and female friendship. A radically honest work of art, it forms a portrait of one Asian American psyche—and of a writer’s search to both uncover and speak the truth. Suggested by Megan Haught, Student Learning & Engagement/Research & Information Services, and Ying Zhang, Administration

 Monstress by Marjorie M. Liu Set in an alternate matriarchal 1900's Asia, in a richly imagined world of art deco-inflected steam punk, Liu tells the story of a teenage girl who is struggling to survive the trauma of war, and who shares a mysterious psychic link with a monster of tremendous power, a connection that will transform them both and make them the target of both human and otherworldly powers Suggested by Sara Duff, Acquisitions and Collection Services

 Paper Son: the inspiring story of Tyrus Wong, immigrant and artist by Julie Leung An inspiring picture-book biography of animator Tyrus Wong, the Chinese American immigrant responsible for bringing Disney's Bambi to life. Before he became an artist named Tyrus Wong, he was a boy named Wong Geng Yeo. He traveled across a vast ocean from China to America with only a suitcase and a few papers. Not papers for drawing--which he loved to do--but immigration papers to start a new life. Once in America, Tyrus seized every opportunity to make art, eventually enrolling at an art institute in Los Angeles. Working as a janitor at night, his mop twirled like a paintbrush in his hands. Eventually, he was given the opportunity of a lifetime--and using sparse brushstrokes and soft watercolors, Tyrus created the iconic backgrounds of Bambi. Suggested by Megan Haught, Student Learning & Engagement/Research & Information Services

 Run Me to Earth by Paul Yoon Alisak, Prany, and Noi--three orphans united by devastating loss - must do what is necessary to survive the perilous landscape of 1960s Laos. When they take shelter in a bombed out field hospital, they meet Vang, a doctor dedicated to helping the wounded at all costs. Soon the teens are serving as motorcycle couriers, delicately navigating their bikes across the fields filled with unexploded bombs, beneath the indiscriminate barrage from the sky. In a world where the landscape and the roads have turned into an ocean of bombs, we follow their grueling days of rescuing civilians and searching for medical supplies, until Vang secures their evacuation on the last helicopters leaving the country. It's a move with irrevocable consequences--and sets them on disparate and treacherous paths across the world. Suggested by Sara Duff, Acquisitions and Collection Services

 Searching for Sylvie Lee: a novel by Jean Kwok A poignant and suspenseful drama that untangles the complicated ties binding three women--two sisters and their mother--in one Chinese immigrant family and explores what happens when the eldest daughter disappears, and a series of family secrets emerge. Sylvie, the beautiful, brilliant, successful older daughter of the Lee family, flies to the Netherlands for one final visit with her dying grandmother-- and vanishes. Amy is too young to remember a time when her parents were newly immigrated and too poor to keep Sylvie, who was raised by a distant relative in a faraway, foreign place. Amy flies to the last place Sylvie was seen, retracing her sister's movements. It seems Sylvie kept painful secrets that reveal more about Amy's family than she ever could have imagined. Suggested by Rachel Mulvihill, Downtown Library

 Somewhere Only We Know by Maurene Goo Told from two viewpoints, teens Lucky, a very famous K-pop star, and Jack, a part-time paparazzo who is trying to find himself, fall for each other against the odds through the course of one stolen day. Suggested by Pam Jaggernauth, Curriculum Materials Center

 Strangers from a Different Shore: a history of Asian Americans by Ronald Takaki In an extraordinary blend of narrative history, personal recollection, and oral testimony, the author presents a sweeping history of Asian Americans. He writes of the Chinese who laid tracks for the transcontinental railroad, of plantation laborers in the canefields of Hawaii, of "picture brides" marrying strangers in the hope of becoming part of the American dream. He tells stories of Japanese Americans behind the barbed wire of U.S. internment camps during World War II, Hmong refugees tragically unable to adjust to Wisconsin's alien climate and culture, and Asian American students stigmatized by the stereotype of the “model minority.” Suggested by Richard Harrison, Research & Information Services

 The Island of Sea Women by Lisa See This beautiful, thoughtful novel illuminates a world turned upside down, one where the women are in charge, engaging in dangerous physical work, and the men take care of the children. A classic Lisa See story—one of women’s friendships and the larger forces that shape them—this book introduces readers to the fierce and unforgettable female divers of Jeju Island and the dramatic history that shaped their lives. Suggested by Sandy Avila, Research & Information Services

 What We Carry: a memoir by Maya Shanbhag Lang Lang grew up idolizing her brilliant mother, an accomplished psychologist who immigrated to the United States from India, completed her residency and earned an American medical degree while nurturing young children and keeping a traditional Indian home. Her mother's stories motivated her, encouraged her, offered solace when she needed it. When Lang becomes a mother herself, her mother becomes a grandmother who is cold and distant. Reexamining the stories of her childhood, Lang realized that being able to accept both myth and reality is what has finally brought her into adulthood Suggested by Ying Zhang, Administration

 Your House Will Pay by Steph Cha In the wake of the police shooting of a black teenager, Los Angeles is as tense as it's been since the unrest of the early 1990s. But Grace Park and Shawn Matthews have their own problems. Grace is sheltered and largely oblivious, living in the Valley with her Korean-immigrant parents, working long hours at the family pharmacy. Shawn has already had enough of politics and protest after an act of violence shattered his family years ago. But when another shocking crime hits LA, both the Park and Matthews families are forced to face down their history while navigating the tumult of a city on the brink of more violence. Suggested by Sara Duff, Acquisitions and Collection Services

#ucf library #asian pacific american heritage month #aapi #booklr #reading list

[marcelloderosa]

MARCELLO DE ROSA

Is that MARCELLO DE ROSA? Wow, they do look a lot like LORENZO ZURZOLO. I hear HE is a EIGHTEEN year old FRESHMAN who is studying ENGINEERING at Luxor University. Word is they are an ARISTOCRAT student. You should watch out because they can be DOMINEERING and ALOOF, but on the bright side they can also be GENTLE and PLAYFUL. Ultimately, you’ll get to see it all for yourself. [gigi, 18, mtn, she/her] 

Basics

Name (& pronunciation): marcello eliás de rosa

spanish accent

maurr-say-oe elle-I-us de roe-sa

english accent

maur-sell-oe elle-I-us de rose-a

Date of Birth (& age): 18yrs. april 28. taurus sun. aquarius moon. scorpio rising.

Place of Birth: peñíscola, spain

Gender: cisgender male

Social Class/Community Status: upper class

Language: english, spanish, italian. has a spanish accent.

Sexuality: he has not really explored much besides heterosexual relationships so who knows...

Physical Description

Height: 6’2 ft

Weight: 175 lbs

Hair: dusty brown

Eyes: cerulean blue

Style: hoodies, faded jeans, t-shirts, lots of layers, turtlenecks, jean jackets and windbreakers. trench coats, slacks, oxfords, and button downs.

muted colors. lots of black, browns, tans, and a pop of olive green & navy blue.

Faceclaim: Lorenzo Zurzolo

Attributes

Personality/Attitude: 

marcello is not necessarily an asshole, but do not expect much warmth from this guy. despite his bad temper and violent tendencies, most times he is rather reserved and distant. he is extremely apathetic and cautious, making it hard to relate or befriend others. not that he minds, marcello would absolutely prefer honing his own skill set than being a social butterfly. in marcello’s mind, the only matter of importance is his success. marcello would be damned if his work did not draw favorable acclaim and admiration. 

however, he cherishes a select few that experience a gentler side. while he is not doting or particularly affectionate, marcello is patient and attentive. he is the first to notice a friend’s tone change or mood shift, and he is quick to attempt to resolve the problem. marcello, if anything, is a great fixer. his love for others is facilitated by studying and understanding them; his love is practical, consistent, and giving. in fact, one may even see the boy’s forbidden smile if they were friendly enough. 

marcello has quite a wry sense of humor and a low threshold for obnoxiousness. he is a proud, stoic figure who is diligent in his goal of self-actualization. his discipline is his claim to fame, and marcello is willing to do nearly anything to ensure he comes out as the victor.

Background:

his father’s side is apparently distantly related to some spanish royalty or another

mother is italian daughter of a parliament member

old moneyyyy

fist fights all throughout childhood

rebellious streak, yet was an honor roll student 

basically sent off to luxor to reform his behavior around people his age

aint no fuckinng way the de rosa family about be shamed by their youngest son getting an assault charge

moved to ny freshman year of hs to attend luxor, with a limited understanding of english and american culture

Hobbies: 

drawing

soccer 

baseball

baking

painting 

hiking

gardening

skateboarding

running

Extracurriculars:

soccer (centre forward)

baseball (first baseman)

student council

College Programs:

Engineering (major)

Graphic design (minor)

Classes:

Physics

Intro to Psych

Visual art

Graphic design

@luxoracademy​

#luxoracademy #luxorintro

[petri808]

Hiding in Plain Sight

Art by @lucykirklandart @lucykirkland check it out! 💜 story Beta’d by @cashieeetime written as a reflection piece of the artwork for the @ftguildevents Fairy Tail Reverse Big Bang  -2k words

“Yeah sure,” Lucy taps out the text message on her phone, her manicured nails clicking away on the glass surface. “see ya at school 2morrow.”

She was groomed and cultivated from birth to appear perfect in every way. As the only child of prominent parents, she never dared to appear less than refined and above all obedient. She might’ve had a more peaceful existence if her mother had lived, but the woman died of cancer by the time she’d turned four-years-old. Left with a father more interested with their status in the community than for his daughter’s wellbeing.

Needless to say, it was a miserable existence for the young woman.

By the time she had entered high school Lucy was sickeningly proficient in making sure no one saw her true emotions. She was well educated and maintained honor roll level grades. Her beauty and poise attracted both awe and jealousy from those around her, despite never doing anything to attract too much attention. In public, Lucy fixed a smile on her face and always appeared to be sweet, caring, and helpful.

This attracted a slew of friends to her side. The young teen gravitated to a select group but was considered to be well-liked amongst the many student cliques around school. Anyone looking in would assume Lucy had the perfect life. It was an image Lucy maintained out of fear that someone would discover the darker tendrils of pain lurking just below her porcelain veneer.

It was like wearing a mask anytime someone else was around.

No one knew how deeply her mother’s death tore into her psyche because her father never bothered to make sure the young child wasn’t affected by it. But the emotions ran the gamut from sadness and loss to betrayal, of why would life deal a young girl such a painful blow in taking their mother away from them. It created a hole in her soul that in order to cope with the loss, Lucy had erected a wall around her heart. If someone she loved like her mother could be ripped away, it was best she not give anyone the opportunity to do it again.

She lets the phone slide from her fingers onto the couch beside her, curling up her body around a pillow, and wrapping her arms around her legs. The text was from one of her closest friends asking for help with his English homework after school the next day. She couldn’t tell him ‘no’—rarely ever told anyone ‘no’ because that’s part of her cover façade.

Dutiful obedience.

Not that she thought he was taking advantage of her, and maybe a part of her wanted to help this person in particular because he seemed to genuinely care about his friends; Lucy included. But this only served to escalate the conflict brewing inside of her. On the one hand, there is her desire to stay distant, but on the other, a human need for closeness. It was a double-edged balancing act-- Acquiesce to be helpful but letting them get too close would trigger her anxieties.

‘I hate my brain…’ Lucy buried her face into the pillow. She hated feeling so alone in this world, of having friends all around her but never truly feeling like she was a part of any group. Her brain could barely comprehend why she felt this way and her subconscious reminded her it was of her own making. Not a purposeful choice, but the results of walling off her heart. It was a constant conflict waged in her mind, and this conflict was the only consistency she’s really known.

Worst of all, she felt like a fraud. All the painted smiles, all of the lies told to keep her secrets, carefully woven like a spider’s web. Beautiful to the naked eye, yet deadly within… at least for herself. She justified every step she took in fear of everything coming unraveled and her life made bare to the world. All her so-called friends would probably hate her when they found out the truth, that’s what she believed with every fiber of her being. And so, she kept up the charade for them, for everyone, until fact and fiction were a universal confliction.

Lucy closes her eyes hoping to cast these images away, but they only burn brighter behind the lids. She didn’t want them to hate her. She wanted to be their friend. The teenage heart beating in her chest wanted what any young person wanted… to be loved. And yes, there was one person in particular who she’d sell her soul to love and be loved by, which in turn only sent her anxieties skyrocketing. Because what-if he felt the same way? But what-if it was for this shell named Lucy Heartfilia? If she were to show her true colors would he accept her for who she was?

And who was the real Lucy Heartfilia? When she was a young child, she shared a love of astronomy with her mother which smolders somewhere inside of her. She knows it’s still there, waiting for attention, that comes out whenever she notices a clear night sky. In her primary school days, literature caught her attention, especially the fiction stories. Being placed into advanced English classes in middle school opened that door even wider and provided a small escape from reality. But it never lasted because her father couldn’t see the importance of such skills for her future, so it was pushed to the side. Business was all that man cared about, and as his only heir, all the pressure of success was placed on Lucy’s shoulders. It was wholly unfair.

By the time Lucy had made it to high school, anything she loved or fancied was tossed to the side and a new persona born. Whatever interested those around her became her interests. Her life was destined to be miserable anyways, so why care about anything? At least if she was only pretending to enjoy the same things as others, it kept those people happy and at bay from delving too deeply into what and who she really was. That was the safest route in her broken mind.

She buries her face deeper into the soft throw pillow and quietly allows a few simpering tears to break free and soak into the fabric. There was no one around to hear them and blow her cover, but that only added to the weight of loneliness aching in her heart. Her father was away on a business deal, and the hired help only came by on a routine. The nights were the worst of all. An empty house save her, with only the ghosts of lives past haunting it’s walls. Lucy might as well be an orphan.

What good was she really? To keep existing as what, her father’s doll? Lucy knew he expected her to marry someone to his specifications and while she was to be of both good breeding and intellect, her place was in the shadows, silent and unheard. And no matter how much she loathed this design, she never fought back against it. ‘I’m really useless…’ What was the point of living knowing that she’d end up in a gilded cage? Too weak to stand up for herself. Foolish enough to be taken advantage of. Death would be a relief.

And even that scared her into staying silent. Lucy didn’t want to die she just didn’t want to live like this anymore. Was that too much to ask for?  

Worthless creature.

Go ahead and cry some more, her subconscious taunts back. Cry for the girl you could be and of the woman you never will become. She was caught in an endless loop of sadness and shame, with no light at the end of the tunnel.

The cell phone pings with a message, so she sweeps her eyes over the screen without moving her head.

“Goodnight Lucy :)”

It was a final message from the boy who needed help tomorrow. How polite of him.

“Goodnight Natsu”

She replies back out of courtesy, fingers hovering for a few seconds in hesitation. There was a strong pull to reach out for help too… but Lucy just couldn’t do it. Ugh! She silences the phones ringer.

Useless idiot.

There were three options Lucy could think of. End her life and become another statistic. Just give in and accept her life will never be her own. Or give up this façade and tell the truth. To be possibly disowned by her father and thrown out on the streets with nothing. Or stay quiet and obedient but with a roof over her head. Her father knew a lot of people and what’s to say if she did open up to someone, that it wouldn’t get back to him somehow? The man had never laid a hand on her, but she feared him greatly.

But she didn’t know how much longer she could keep up this façade. It was destroying her, literally and figuratively. If her life were a story book, her character would be the one who dies because they stupid enough to listen without thinking for themselves. ‘I hate myself and what I’ve turned into. I’ll never be worth anything, just a Heartfilia to carry on the legacy. To be used and exploited until there is no need for me anymore. Argh! I hate myself and yet I don’t even know who the hell that is! Why do I have to feel this way…’

If there were a way to turn off her emotions, Lucy would snap it up in a heartbeat. Just make her completely numb to everything. Truly become a doll who speaks with pre-programmed phrases. A robot who felt no love or sadness and only knew how to be a servant like in a sci-fi movie. She thought that by walling off her heart it would shield her from the pain, but it only caused a deeper one to take root. And frankly, even if she tried now to fix it, how do you erase 14 years of misery?

It would take years of therapy, hundreds of hours and dollars to do just that. Not to mention having to re-live all the painful experiences that drove her to become the way she did. So much for any chance of a solid relationship. She couldn’t subject anyone else to this, that would only make her feel worse.

An utter burden.

To ask someone to bear some of her weight upon their shoulders would be unfair, and if she truly believed this, how could she ever bring herself to open up to anyone, especially if she cared about them. Yet, she wanted to do it. At least a small part of her screaming from the depths of her mind, pleading selfishly to just tell someone! Screw it all! Who cares if they dump you as a friend afterward. Stop worrying about the what if’s because she can’t predict the future.

If only it were so easy.

A few minutes pass by as she sits there in silence, when the light from her phone illuminates the room for just a moment.

“Are you okay?”

Her breathing hitches, stopping short in her throat. Why would Natsu ask that question?! The screen goes black again bathing her in darkness, but the words had dealt their blow. Histories of conversations and interactions are replayed in her mind as Lucy searches for any justification for that message. Had she done something, said something to lead him to believe she wasn’t okay? Oh, no! She’d forgotten to add a happy face emoji or a blush emoji to her response. Is that what made him pick up on a problem.

“I’m fine, really *blush emoji*”

Okay, that should do it, right? Her response was simple yet positive, nothing to indicate the opposite turmoil festering in her mind. Ugh, she shouldn’t have let herself slip into a depressed state tonight. Perhaps her subliminal consciousness tripped up her perfect record of hiding things in plain sight because deep down she wanted to be caught.

“*frown face* I don’t believe that Lucy, somethings wrong I can feel it.”

More tears rise to the surface from the realization that her perfect house of cards were about to come crashing down over a text message of all things. Lucy could continue to lie. Should she continue to lie? Really, I’m fine just tired. Don’t worry about me. I was distracted with homework. All valid responses she could use to justify the slip up.

“Lucy? You know you can talk to me, right?”

Her chest constricts further as she chokes down a sob. How?! How does she know that to be true?! What if he laughs or ridicules her? What if? What if? What if?! ‘Stop it!’ Lucy screams in her head. Heaven help her, she couldn’t take it anymore! Natsu was her friend and in her heart of hearts, he would never knowingly hurt her.

Instead of answering the text, Lucy clicks the call button instead.

“Lucy?”

“Natsu… You’re right. I-I’m not okay…”

#ftrbb2020 #ftreversebang #lucy heartfilia #fairytail #fairytail fanfiction #nalu is hinted but still just friends by request of the artist #angsty #teenage angst #self doubt #depression #loneliness #feelings of isolation #channeled my teenage years into this lol #Fairytail art #hiding in plain sight #petri808