#sorry for this negative energy i just felt like oversharing | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

randomexistingthing · 2 months

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I think you might be enfp (although its hard to tell online since u might be diff irl as i know my personality is diff lol) E-extroverted N-intuitive F-feeling P-perceiving Bassically you like talking to people (and gain energy from it), maybe a lil impulsive /notneg, generally energetic. And you you think abstractly+ find patterns (bassically a good imagination and you wouldn't have a hard time believing something you didn't see if it 'makes sense', idk how to explain anything well but i'll give a short example: You walk in the room and feel the vibe is off, you know the vibe is off without someone saying/doing anything and it's usually correct. You care a lot about how people feel and focus more on the individual rather than seeing people as a majority, you might also make decisions based on your gut or how you morally feel rather than logically (Not bad). You care about the 'harmony' of the group and want to make sure everyone is happy, althoug this may lead to gullibility and lack of self care, so take care of yourself please. People that are percieving are usually more flexible and adaptive, although they also tend to be less organized and more 'scattered' (not all but most). You might be an enfp-t (turbulent) but i'm not sure since that might be my bias (I'm intp-t) ((although i usually doubt everything lol)) idk tell me if it's accurate and about yourself so i can also get it better /nf

tbh I also think my personality is different from my irl personality ;-; not much, but there's a little difference ^^"

I feel like enfp would actually go with my online personality, but irl I'm more introverted :'D

And idk about the perceiving part...

BUT HOLY SHIT AM I THAT OBVIOUS?? THATS (MOSTLY) HOW I ACT IRL HOW DID YOU GUESS ALL THAT FROM SOME CONVERSATIONS WE HAD, HOW?? /Notneg. Impressive <:]]

And you are intp?

Introverted

Intuitive

Idk

Perceiving

? :o :D

(I'm now gonna do the long list about you here, not in a ask like I intended but the transition from topic to topic is just too good)

I feel like you care a lot about others, and frens. You are very nice! You also like sharing things, like songs :D you also like rambling about things, but feel a bit bad afterwards because you think you overshared. But that is not necessary, your rambles are always interesting to read! You also said you are a bit anxious.

You like psychology, not the 'how to manipulate someone', but the 'peoples disabilities'. (I could read too much into this now) but I feel like you are studying/ researching these topics in order to help those people, because you don't like watching others suffer from something they aren't deserving/ controlling. But when they deserve it, you don't know any mercy (this sounds so harsh I'm sorry but idk how to rephrase that TwT) and aren't scared of openly talking about wanting to 'ruin' them. (not negative, completely understandable). You even go so far to talk about murder. (maybe it was just a moment where you felt like that, and you can just ignore that part if you usually don't think stuff like that)

BUT I'm talking about wayyyy too much negative stuff. Back to being positive! :>

When you have a mutual, you care about them and their interests, you even ask about them and their creations! (Thank you so sooo much for the ask about thing btw) and you make them happy with that. You also have this up and down with emotions (but could also have been the period. ((when I'm on my period I cry over the stupidest things ;-;))

you are also very reassuring and give a lot if feedback, that's nice :) the tone indicators also show exactly how you mean something and leave no room for sad thoughts, like „what if they meant it like that and not this".

I have run out if stuff to say and I'm not creative enough.

I hope you enjoyed reading that (and I also hope I didn't bring your mood down because of the negative stuff :') :( I swear it's not that much actually it just came out as a lot)

#iamunabletothinkofablogname #fren #:333 #ask ^^#((also long ramble from my side sorry about that))

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bowandcurtsey · 1 year

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I saw the previous post about an anonymous asking 4 ur help, and I'm wondering if I can too? Like, I need someone to listen and talk to other than my friends and I hope I'm not burdening you, just need someone to listen to. I just feel like I've always been too detached from everything and everyone, and my family thinks I'm a psycho because of it. I've always felt more connected to animals more than humans, and that's also a problem, and now that they've sent my cat away, i feel even more empty, and it's always my friends I can talk to, not my family. I just really need someone to understand me and not hate me for being like this. And since they're always fighting about something or the other, I really can't talk to them at all. I feel trapped. We moved back here because of Covid and money problems, but things are just getting more worse. Everyone at school thinks I'm some weirdo and their judgemental stares hurt. And the friends here aren't really my friends. I'm not sure if I'm the narcissist and the bad person, but I really can't tell anymore. I'm sorry if I burdened you here, or for oversharing, and my sincerest of thanks for listening to this way too long rant.

Welcome to your safe space love ❤️ you’re more than welcomed to come here to talk anytime.

You will never be a burden, a psycho, weirdo, narcissist or a bad person here.

We are all equal and I believe no one is perfect. I am sometimes in my own bubble, and I feel like sometimes i daydream into my own world where nobody knows.

I love animals as well and they are better than humans for sure. But well, please dont lose faith in humanity because I’m sure there are kind people out there as well.

Maybe your family is also in some kind of stress due to the situation they are in, which led to more friction and disagreements.

I’m sorry they gave your cat away… that’s just heartbreaking.. and I hope you still get to hear from him/her from time to time.

Don’t let the negative energy or bad vibes get to you or make you feel like you’re any less.

You’re important and you deserve good things too. If you feel that you’re not loved, then please love yourself. Nobody will love you more than you care or love yourself so find your worth, find your passion, your magic.

The tumblr family is here and i love you for who you are. You’re not perfect but I still love you for you are.

#aine’s lovely bbys

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miss-ingno · 2 years

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Hi!!! I love your fic "This is how the war is won", it's amazing.

Is it still giving you problems??? I remember you saying that the last chapter was fighting you!!!

Ahhh, I’m glad to hear it! 🥰 Thank you for letting me know <3

There’s a couple different reasons why I’ve been struggling with the last chapter, including that contrary to my expectations February and March turned out to be busy and nerve-wrecking irl.

[fair warning, the next three paragraphs are very personal and kinda negative, feel free to skip]

I’m also aware of how setting this in YOHE and making it a/b/o makes it a very niche fic, neither of them are particularly popular in this fandom. I didn’t really care about that when I started writing it (around late October/early November 2021), it’s my self-indulgence project. When I decided to post it early, it was because I felt like I was losing steam on it and needed some encouragement, but I was also okay leaving it on chapter 4 for a bit. That’s the story I wanted to tell, ch1-4, everything else is loose ends plot wrap-up.

And I’m very grateful to everyone who commented, or reached out, or left kudos! But I’ve also realized that subconsciously I was holding some expectations, and in that this is how the war is won didn’t really perform as well as, say, a Weilan-centric canon divergence might.

This is no one’s fault! I recognize that posting it in Jan-Feb was a stupid idea in hindsight, since irl was in such flux that the stress of that made me flee to fandom for validation more than usual, which forced this fic to shoulder more than it should. And I realized I was feeling bad about it as I was forcing myself to write chapter 5 and kept writing myself into corners and hating it, so I dropped it for a while in favour of smaller, quick fics that could hopefully fill the function I needed at the time.

[okay, oversharing of personal negativity part over with :’)]

Now, there are three major issues I kept getting stuck on writing chapter 5:

1) Ye Zun is a brat

He kept fighting me all February, and I ended up putting all my will and energy to put up with him in No Man Left Behind, since that had a deadline -- I wrote it for the Ye Zun Week fandom event. Afterwards, I was kinda wrung out on his character, so I focussed on the other scene first.

2) a worldbuilding faux pas that my beta thankfully pointed out and led to me rewriting several chunks. I really like how it made the internal logic flow better, too!

3) the goddamn politics

I love politics in fics. I do. They’re so much fun, it’s just like, a great big web of character dynamics. The same reason I love poly fics. But I had to figure out convincing reactions from several parties for this one and how to convince them of the action I wanted them to take without like. Creating a new rebellion or big split because I’m not dealing with that x’D it needed to make sense and it wasn’t, it felt very ‘because I’m the author and say so’.

I kept running into this wall at several different points, and it didn’t help that I had written a couple snippets ahead that I adore and want to keep, but that I needed to rearrange over and over and just. Stopped feeling like I could work in.

The last of that hurdle I actually figured out how to get around (by rewriting another chunk RIP me) last week, and I put the final edits on the scene tonight! Which leaves the first half of the chapter at 4k (mind, average chapter length has been 5-5.5k so far). I’m very hopeful to wrap up Ye Zun’s part soon, too, maybe even post this month? *fingers crossed*

Thank you for being patient and still interested in the resolution of this fic! Here, have one of those snipps I didn’t wanna lose as an I’m Sorry For How Long It’s Taking:

"General Kunlun has been remiss in his duties," he said solemnly. "We are bonded, however, I have yet to receive a gift." Heipaoshi reached out, picking up the figure marking the rebel chief's position. He stared at the figurine for a long, tense moment, turning it over and over in his fingers. Finally, he looked up, meeting Kunlun's gaze with a resolute expression. "I want Zei Qiu's head."

[...] Kunlun himself only had eyes for his omega, leaning forward intently.

"I will serve it to you on a silver platter," he swore.

#WIP game #anonymous #ahhhh this god long sorry! >.<#I had a lot to say RIP #I had to write this up TWICE because tumblr killed the first draft lol #anyway I'm wordy because I'm tired and sorry #I hate leaving fics unfinished :')#because the pressure to update builds until I hate the words I'm writing #and I don't wanna post subpar garbage!#it has to be gold-star garbage at the least lol #this is how the war is won #ingno writes

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kroerms · 3 years

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Lifeline

Oneshot || pairing: kenma x reader (gender neutral, but I tried to stay clear of any pronouns)|| genre: angstisch, hurt/comfort ||

warnings: depiction of depression/ symptoms of a depression || if I forgot to mention something, please feel free to tell me...

a/n: sooo, this is my very first fanfic since like 2013, please be gentle with me haha

y/n: “I’m sorry, but I can’t make it to our date today…”

Kenma: “What do you mean you can’t make it? We planned this for over a week and are supposed to meet up in an hour...I’m already out of my house…”

y/n: “I’m really sorry, I just can’t.”

You sighed, tossed your phone next to you on the bed and pressed the pillow closer to your chest.

You couldn’t really pinpoint what triggered all these negative feelings. But your whole life there have always been these days where you felt completely drained of energy and the negativity of your own mind played tricks on you. You had always called it your “social battery” being empty. But in reality, it was more than just that. It was more than just not wanting to see your friends or family. It was a consuming tiredness paired with negative thoughts and sadness rooted deep within your very heart. Days like these would come and go, you learned that over the years, which is why you preferred to be alone on those days because you didn’t want to burden anyone with your pointless feelings. Sure, sometimes those feelings would almost consume you completely and would persist for weeks, but you always managed to handle them one way or another. You knew this all too well, you had had to deal with this part of yourself since your early teens after all and now that you were 28 it just didn’t seem like you were ever to grow out of it like your parents used to say you would. It wasn’t their fault though, since you never really talked about what it felt like to anyone after your so called friends seemed to dismiss it as just you being lazy and so your parents thought your tendency to hang in your room and lay in bed all day was just due to hormones. And you always felt like no one would believe you anyways and you weren’t prepared for all the follow up questions that would drain the last bit of energy you had, and so you stopped explaining yourself altogether.

You’ve known Kenma for a while now. The two of you started to form a friendship after you accidentally took his coffee order from the barista because he had ordered your usual. And with your head always being in the clouds you had just heard “vanilla latte” and without waiting for your name to follow the order you’d taken the beverage.

“Uhm, excuse me but I think this is supposed to be mine - well unless your name is Kenma as well, but I highly doubt that”, a monotone voice next to you spoke. Your gaze shifted from the to-go-cup in your hand to the man beside you. The faux blonde with the dark roots and the almost bored facial expression stood next to the take-out section of the coffeeshop, switch in one hand and the other in the pocket of his red tracksuit.

“Oh, I’m very sorry, I must have zoned out again. I sometimes get stressed in overly crowded places and tend to lose myself in my thoughts to calm down aaaand I just overshared, didn’t I?” You bowed slightly and handed the man in front of you his drink just as the barista called out your name with a “vanilla latte” attached to it. You quickly turned around to take the coffee so that Kenma wouldn’t notice the slight blush that spread over your cheeks from the embarrassment.

“y/n’s a pretty name, suits you.”, Kenma said, flashing a slight blush of his own as the words left his lips. “Well thank you...Kenma was it?”. The faux blonde nodded slightly. An awkward silence infolded the two of you. Just as you wanted to excuse yourself so that you could finally leave this utterly embarrassing situation, Kenma spoke up again: “well if you want to make it up to me for almost stealing my drink, I’d really appreciate a piece of apple pie from the bakery down the road. If that’s not too crowded for you.”

After that encounter, the two of you quickly grew closer and developed a bond to one another. Just like you, Kenma enjoyed lazy days at home gaming or watching movies together more than going out on adventures. So the two of you would often hang out at his house playing Mario Kart together or you’d watch movies on your projektor at yours. Sure, occasionally the two of you would go out to get something to eat or to watch his friends at a volleyball game, but these outings were rare. And it was because of those cozy little hangouts that you never once had to cancel plans with him, thus not once did you have to explain to him why you didn’t have the energy to go out and do stuff….well at least until today.

The familiar wave of guilt washed over you for not telling him why you had to cancel on such short notice. But you really didn’t have the energy to explain that your inner demons had taken control over your body and mind today. You were already feeling exhausted because work had been hell the last couple of weeks and it didn’t help that seemingly everyone in your family needed something from you which resulted in you spending your off-time after work either at your fathers house or your mothers. This left little to no you-time to relax and recharge yourself.

It was now near lunchtime on your well deserved day off and Kenma and you had plans to check out the new cat café that opened up just a few blocks from your home. But you hadn’t even made it out of bed, let alone under the shower yet. The comfort of the warm blankets was just too good. The mere thought of leaving this safe haven stressed you out and you had to hold yourself back from crying. You felt so overwhelmed with the world today that you couldn’t entertain the thought of participating in anything right now. All you wanted - no - needed to do was sleep until that heavy feeling on your chest would lift off and let you breathe again.

Just as you were dozing off, you heard your doorbell ring. You didn’t expect a package or anything today, so you didn’t exactly know who would want something from you right now.

Wrapped in your pink aristocats pijama and your very wild bedhead you padded to your door. What you didn’t expect while looking through your peephole was Kenma, standing in front of your apartment, arms full of paper bags.

“Open up, these are heavy you know! I know you’re standing behind the door.”

You took a deep breath before opening the door to let Kenma in. He immediately made his way to the kitchen, where he placed all the bags on the countertop before looking at you.

His gaze was intense. With what seemed like worry in his eyes, he scanned over your tired form.

“What’s wrong y/n?”, he asked.

“Nothing, I’m just tired, didn’t sleep enough last night I guess, but it’ll be better by tomorrow, so you really don’t have to worry about little old me”, you meekly said in an attempt to lighten the mood. You tried giving him the most reassuring smile you could manage, but it didn’t reach your eyes. You knew he noticed by the way his gaze softened. In one swift motion Kenma pulled you into his chest and cradled your head with one hand, while the other found its way around your waist, pulling you closer into him in the process. This took you by surprise, since Kenma and you didn’t really hug a lot.

“Tell me what’s really wrong y/n. I can clearly tell that you are not okay. You are a measly liar”, he whispered into your hair. Damn him and his observation skills, you thought. Well, this is it, you couldn’t hide that part of yourself from him any longer. You were scared to open up to him about that part of yourself, the fear of losing him because he didn’t want to deal with someone as broken as you are was immense.

“y/n?” Kenma spoke up again. You must’ve lost yourself in thought again, you didn’t even notice the tears that slipped past your eyelids and were making their way down your cheeks, before coming to a halt at your chin.

“I’m s-sorry, I - I don’t want to w-worry you… I just, I feel so tired and I f-feel like my battery is completely e-empty. I don’t feel like I c-can handle anyone, including m-myself right now. I j-just want everything to s-stop. I am exhausted, I feel like I a-am drowning within m-myself and t-there seems to b-be no lifeline”, you sniffled into Kenma’s chest. His hold on you tightened at that. He knew you got overwhelmed in crowds sometimes and that you preferred quiet, lazy meet-ups at home over going out. It was one of the reasons why he liked you so much, you didn’t expect him to be outgoing and you always accepted him for the person he was. He knew you were someone who liked their personal time and that the world, especially the people living in it would overwhelm you sometimes, but he had never seen you like this. Small, so fragile, almost as if you crumbled within yourself. As if the slightest blow of wind could knock you over and break you.

“Do you want me to leave? I brought food from that new café. I can just leave it here and go, if you need time to yourself…” Kenma said.

You were torn. On one hand, you really didn’t have the energy to entertain someone right now. But Kenma felt so warm and his embrace made you feel secure. As if the world couldn’t get to you as long as he held you like this. So you tightened your hold on him and shook your head lightly.

A small smile appeared on Kenma’s face.

“Alright, how about you go lay down on the couch then, while I unpack the food and we watch some cheesy movie together?”

The thought of leaving Kenma’s arms didn’t please you at all but you obliged and went to your couch in the open living room. You watched as Kenma started unpacking of cake slices, sandwiches and chocolates out of the bags. He even brought avocado-onigiri. Your favorite. After he displayed everything on plates he came over to put the food and two lemonades on the coffee table. He sat down next to you and turned on your TV. He started your favorite rom-com before he pulled you close to him again so that your head was resting on his chest. As the movie went on, he started to stroke your hair with his hand, while the other was on top of your arm that was draped over his torso. This was still very unfamiliar to you, but it felt nice.

“You know, you never have to hide your feelings from me. Not even the negative ones. I know I sometimes seem a little distant and I am not very open about my own feelings either but you mean a great deal to me and I’m always gonna be here for you. Even when you feel like drowning, I’ll always be a lifeline for you to hold on to. And I know I can’t fix everything, but I’ll try my best to help you with fixing what needs to be fixed.” he whispered softly. You closed your eyes, new tears forming in them making your eyelids heavy. Even if all those inner demons were loud within you, Kenma’s voice and reassuring words slowly drowned them out and you finally felt a bit of the weight on your chest getting lighter. You knew you had to work on these things and you would need more than just Kenma, you’d need professional help to cope with all of this, but with Kenma by your side like this, you felt like anything was possible. Before you dozed off in Kenma’s embrace you whispered back: “thank you so much for being here”.

#haikyuu!!#haikyuu x reader #kenma x reader #hq x y/n #hq x reader #haikyuu x y/n #kenma x you #kenma x y/n #kenma kozume #kenma x gender neutral reader #kenma kozume x y/n #haikyuu #haikyuu oneshot #kenma #kenma hurt/comfort #kenma angst #haikyuu hurt/comfort #haikyuu angst

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delimeful · 5 years

Text

watch it burn and rust (3)

warnings: panic, fear, guilt, blood mention, miscommunication

Chapter 3

They stayed like that, curled up against the wall in an almost-hug, for what seemed like hours. Patton was too blissed out to worry about being overbearing, a low purr curling from his throat, and so the cuddling continued until Virgil’s hand slid off his back.

He peered up, curious, and was alarmed to see that the Human’s eyes were closed, his body gone limp. Panic rushed through him; had Virgil had some kind of negative reaction? No Ampen had done this to a Human and lived before!

He hesitated, and then stretched up and patted at Virgil’s cheeks, careful not to poke too hard. For creatures that could survive near anything, Humans were so soft.

“Virgil. Virgil!” He called, the name twisting oddly in his mouth. “Wake up!”

��Patt’n?” His Human mumbled, turning his head away from the insistent pats. His eyelids kept drooping, even as he struggled to stay awake, eyes darting around. “Danger?”

“No… but, are you okay?” Patton pressed his ear to Virgil, hearing a concerningly small number of heartbeats. “Sick?”

Virgil quirked the ends of his lips. “No. Rest. Sleep. It’s okay.”

He leaned his head back again, curling his arms a little more around Patton as he fell back to sleep. Sleepiness wasn’t a common reaction, but it wasn’t really dangerous. He still worried, but supposed that Virgil would know his own limits best. Even so, he kept the flow of energy cut off as he sank into a content sleep himself.

He got more worried after Virgil ended up asleep for way longer than normal, but once the Human finally woke up, he didn’t seem all that concerned.

“Patton?” He asked, staring across the room where Patton was sitting, antennae flat against his skull. “Okay?”

“No.” Patton answered miserably in Common, and Virgil straightened, scanning the room. “I’m sorry… You were asleep for so long because of me.”

“Um… sleep okay?” Virgil responded, uncertain. “No bad.”

Patton shook his head, willing the Human to understand. “My fault. I stole energy from you. I’m sorry, Virgil.”

There was a pause while Virgil mouthed a few of the words, before the sentence seemed to click. “Ah! Ampen, yeah? Sick?”

Patton blinked. Virgil… knew about his species already?

“No hurt. Sleep. Okay, to…” Virgil’s eyes flicked back and forth, as though searching for a word. “Help! Okay to help you. Sleep okay.”

He did that lip curl again, eyes creasing slightly, and Patton was overcome with gratitude and fondness. He choked out a stifled half-sob of relief, and the expression dropped off Virgil’s face.

“Sorry, sorry-“ Virgil frantically tried the soothing Ampen call, and Patton shook his head again, scrambling back over to the Human’s space. He grabbed Virgil’s shaky hand, looking up at his strange brown eyes earnestly.

“I’m happy. You’re very kind, Virgil.”

Near-instantly, Virgil’s face changed to that blazing red-pink, and he ducked his head. “No, no.”

“Yes, yes!” Patton crowed back, struck with the delightful revelation that the red expression meant embarrassment. “You are kind and nice and soft, and you- you helped me.” His voice cracked. “You helped me. Thank you.”

“You… help, too.” Virgil muttered, chin still tucked against his chest. “Before you come, no talk… Human, Ampen, guard. No talk. No help. No...” He touched Patton’s hand, feather-light.

His hearts ached. “We help each other now. Yeah?”

Virgil did the half-smile. “Yeah.”

—-

Things after that settled into a sort of rhythm.

His corner long abandoned, Patton found comfort in just laying next to Virgil, who never seemed bothered at all by the companionship. It was nice, knowing that there was someone on this ship that actually cared about him. The fact that that someone just so happened to be a Human was just a hilarious and reassuring bonus.

Whenever they were both awake, they practiced speaking. Virgil was a quick learner, now that he was actually being taught, rather than puzzling out bits and pieces of the language himself. He often asked about what the word was like in Patton’s home language as well, doing his best to mimic the sounds despite his vocal chords not being built for such things. Patton was touched, and over time, picked up a few Human words as well.

They talked for hours, until one of them (generally Virgil) got tired, and as Virgil’s sentences became smoother, fuller, Patton learned more and more about Humans, or at least his Human. They only had one heart, though it was huge compared to all seven of Patton’s. The teeth-baring and lip-curling was the Human version of a smile, and they had no antennae or feathers or fur for warmth, other than the hair on their head. Virgil’s was a faded purple, and it didn’t change unless he dyed it with chemicals from his home.

Virgil spoke about home a lot. He made it sound a lot less threatening than Patton suspected it really was, but it was clear that the Human missed it. He’d never gotten to see the surface of other worlds, being abducted and trapped from his first moment in space. For Patton, who had known since a young age that he wanted to wander the galaxy, it was a hard concept to grasp.

In return, he shared details about his home, local phrases in his own language, the children he often watched while visiting. He was hesitant at first, worried about oversharing, but Virgil soaked the stories up like a sponge, asking his own questions at the end. It sort of reminded Patton of Logan, and he felt a pang at the thought of his friend, who would surely be delighted at all the new information about a mysterious and difficult to study species like Humans.

Patton didn’t talk about them, keeping all those thoughts tucked deep inside his chest. In some small way, he still hoped that they’d find him, that Virgil could meet them properly and get to know them firsthand.

Every time the guards came to retrieve Virgil, though, his hope was tested. The Human always put up a cursory fight, thrashed and struggled if it seemed like the smugglers were going to look in the corner where Patton was hidden, seemingly uncaring of the paralyzing shocks he received in return. It made him shake with rage and upset on Virgil’s behalf.

He came back weak and sometimes ill, and never volunteered any information about where he was taken. Patton silently wondered what in the world they could be taking from a Human, but never asked, only curling up with him and comforting him with their familiar tune.

It was a bit after such a time that Virgil drew Patton’s attention to something he should have realized long before. His hand paused in its aimless petting, and he gently rubbed a thumb over something, making Patton shiver and look up in confusion.

“You have… um, sharp, small things.” He offered tentatively, staring at Patton’s back.

It took a long second to understand, and then Patton shuffled his shoulders, feeling out the follicles. His face lit up. “My pinfeathers!”

“Your what?” Virgil asked, brow still wrinkled in the Human expression for concern.

“Pinfeathers! They’re coming in, my feathers are growing back!” He tried to rattle the pinfeathers, but found they were still too short, barely emerged. Now that he knew, they itched like crazy. He resisted the urge to tug at them, knowing that splattering blood all over the cell was the last thing they needed.

“Good? Good!” Virgil encouraged, still a bit confused. “That not normal?”

Patton hesitated, the blind joy fading. “They… the smugglers took them from me. Most Ampens can’t grow them back in captivity. Can’t touch when trapped.” His were growing back, though.

They were going to tear all of them out again.

He didn’t realize he had voiced aloud until Virgil made a low, upset sound in his throat. It was more feral than most of the noises he made, and when Patton turned to look, the Human seemed furious. “No. No. They don’t touch you.”

Patton nodded, still a bit shaky. “Right. I’ll hide.”

“I’ll keep you safe. Promise.” Virgil said, calling on a Human oath word. Patton felt some of the terror rescind, burying his face into Virgil’s shirt. They’d be okay, he told himself resolutely.

And for a while, they were.

His pinfeathers continued to grow, bolstered by Virgil’s tendency to constantly have some part of him touching Patton, as though worried the Ampen would disappear if he lost contact. They traded histories, myths, and then songs, which made Virgil go that red-pink again but he shared the Human melodies despite his shyness. He talked about Human music with a desperate sort of longing, and Patton listened to his recreations with attentiveness, memorizing the notes.

He whistled them sometimes, after Virgil was thrown back into their cell, so long as his throat wasn’t too closed up to get the sound out. He tried not to let Virgil see how upset he was, since it made the Human upset as well, but every time he came back incoherent and in pain, Patton’s hearts broke a little more.

In contrast with the snarling visage that always greeted the guards, Virgil was exceedingly careful with Patton, especially after he mentioned that the pinfeathers could break and lead to excessive bleeding if he didn’t notice the break right away. It was endearing to watch him ghost his hands around as though Patton was made of glass, and then freak out when he absentmindedly brushed a hand over him and the pinfeather sheaths began to crumble right off.

After Patton managed to calm him down (and what an odd thought, him calming down a Human), he began the repetitive process of working the dried-up covers off his feathers, internally delighting every time one was fully revealed. He’d never been particularly vain about them, but after thinking he was going to die in their absence, he found himself relieved by their proper return.

Virgil watched him carefully even after being reassured that getting rid of the old pinfeathers was a normal part of the process, eyes intent in a way that Patton would have called predatory at the beginning of their relationship. He knew better now, and offered him a few of the more intact sheaths to sate his worry and curiosity.

Eventually, most of his feathers were free, finally regrown and fully-formed. He shook himself off, the last flakes of the pinfeathers falling from him, and fluffed up like a hatchling in his excitement.

“Look, look!” He circled Virgil joyfully, showing him the way the feathers glowed in the shadows. “Pretty cool, huh kiddo?”

“Very cool.” Virgil said, a small grin on his face. “Are they, um… broken easy?”

“Delicate?” Patton provided, and Virgil nodded. “No, they’re pretty strong! Here, feel.”

Virgil hesitated, going stiff, and Patton tilted his head with a worried warble, retracting his feathers slightly. “Virgil?”

“You… want me to touch?” He asked. “You sure?”

“Yeah! Why wouldn’t I?”

There was a long moment of silence, and Virgil shifted awkwardly against the wall. “You said… before… Ampen need touch if they don’t have feathers. You have feathers now, so you don’t have to…” He hummed in frustration, trying to find the words. “...It’s okay if you want to not be touched. I won’t hurt you, or be mad. Promise.”

Understanding finally hit Patton, and guilt a moment later. Of course Virgil had noticed Patton’s skittish behavior when they were first stuck in here together, he noticed much more than he ever let on. He must have assumed that Patton’s mannerisms had only changed because he thought that was the only way to survive with a Human.

“Oh, Virgil… I don’t think you would hurt me.” Patton said, reaching out and patting his leg gently. “I was scared before because I didn’t know you. I only knew all the bad rumors I’d heard, and I let that cloud my opinion of you. We’re… I want to be your friend. You’re not a bad person, and I don’t think you’d ever hurt me, okay?”

Virgil seemed doubtful, searching his eyes for any sign of falsehoods, and slowly reached out, a silent question. Patton didn’t move or shy away from the touch, trying to convey that he really, truly trusted Virgil, that Virgil had earned that trust, not forced it.

He ran a hand along the smooth feathers on Patton’s right arm, and a small, genuine smile appeared. “They’re really cool, Pat. Thanks for… thanks.”

Patton beamed, puffing up with happiness, and threw himself at Virgil for a hug. The Human was big enough that his hugs were enveloping, but never overwhelming.

The feathers made cuddling positions slightly more limited, but they still fell asleep to the same comfort of each other’s presence. After all, there was no reason for things to change, right?

Until they woke up, and suddenly things weren’t okay anymore.

#sanders sides #g/t #giant/tiny #ts virgil #ts patton #space au #my writing #writing #wibar #watch it burn and rust #gonna adjust formatting for chapters #cliffhanger #>:)#taglists soon!

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theincompetentgenius · 5 years

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Hello 😄 Life generator is totally awesome idea! I already love it and would like to request one for Arcana world. I hope it won’t be too much of a problem, and thank you in advance ❤️

I’m a big science nerd, especially good in math, hungry for knowledge, with unsatiable curiosity. But at the same time, i radiate dumbass energy. Most of the time i’m silent, because i don’t really know what to say, since my mind is tv static. I enjoy creating, my hobbies are singing, drawing, painting, scupting, embroidery and other forms of crafting. But i really don’t have any creativeness on my own. And i lack in artistic skills, but i substitute it with persistence. I’m really patient and can go over one place hundreds times until i’m satisfied, and i’m never giving up on any wips, they just wait for their turn (..same about people, even if have no contact with them anymore i still consider them as friends, i don’t cut ties). Even if they pile up and there’s probably no way to finish it up in one lifetime. Damn, i wish i was immortal. There’s so many knowledge and skills to learn, and art to consume and create in the world. But i don’t really have any passion or hiperfixation, i’m just all over the place, a jade of all trades and master of none. Most of the time is spend resting, on internet, because i run out of energy far too quick, especially physical and social. The problems of being contained in a body that wants to rest at all costs xd Physically i’m really weak, even though i work out regularly, my super low endurance doesn’t improve. I’m so quickly drained and need to recharge that for long so it looks like i’m lazy. Basically i’m never bored, but i can get frustraded when i’m wasting time.

I’m pretty open and honest person and have no brakes, i overshare whenever i have occasion (as you can see xD). I’m not hiding my emotions, except showing that someone hurt me (because i’m too proud to do that if that was meancingly, or i don’t want them to feel bad if it wasn’t). I’m friendly, very empathetic, eager to help if approached. I can easily put myself into other people’s shoes and always try to understand where others come from, their reasoning. And i care about others’ well being. But i’m quite a hermit, i barely have any social needs, and never approach people first. I’m fine on my own. Since i can remember, i only lived inside my own world in my head. Being around people is nice too though, but i’m pretty socially clueless. I don’t really experience loneliness, unless i miss certain people. And that happens super rarely too, i don’t get that attached to even closest people. But it happens, i can get really attached.

I can get anxious and uncertain around people, because i don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, cross boundaries or face any sort of negative consequences. But i don’t care what people think of me n my actions, especially if i don’t know them. Social norms are only chains. There’s no reason to follow them. I prefer my order of doing things. Order is really important to me, i need it for my things, my actions, my plans. My free time is dictated by algorithms i make, that get more and more complicated with each update. Most of the time i’m in neutral state, pretty apathetic. Emotions can be easily triggered, but die as fast and i go back to the state of nirvana. I rarely get stressed and don’t care too much about issues, life always works out in one way or another. That’s why i’m chill, patient and calm.

I love cute and pretty things, sweets, plushies, hugs, cats. When it comes to nature, sure i like it and it is interesting, but i don’t really like being close to it because of bugs. They’re yucky >.> I’m hesistant about a lot of stuff and super cautious about things that could cause physical harm, which i guess makes me a coward. And i don’t enjoy travelling. I mean it is okay, but doesn’t spark any emotion, besides maybe knowledge seeking. Instead, i’m big fan of magic and powers. Not that boring stuff like astrology, but rather like you k'now, superheroes or wizards things. Wish that kind of stuff existed irl, and wish i had it all, just like with irl skills xd Also i’m really, really picky eater.

Thank you for your interest in the world of The Arcana. You will be reborn into your new life shortly. The simulation will begin in 3…….. 2……. 1……..

B A C K G R O U N D

Your mother had left you in front of the doorsteps of a poor orphanage when you were only months old. She felt that she was unfit to take care of you because she was not financially stable, but she could only hope for the best for you. Fortunately, you were left at the hands of caring and understanding individuals who supported you through your childhood. However, your scattered interests in the arts, sciences, and magic had left many people confused. They couldn’t wrap their heads around the concept that a young girl could explore such complex concepts, but that never mattered to you. Your interests were in your newfound magic. While you wouldn’t practice magic in public, you would use it when necessary or convenient. Yet these few moments caused panic within your town. You were becoming too smart, too powerful, and too curious. The townsmen felt threatened by your mere presence, so they banished you from the city under the pretense that you were a “threat to their well-being.” Yet you never saw the bursting potential buried within you.

F R I E N D S

Julian

Now that you had been kicked out of your hometown, you had absolutely no idea where to go. There weren’t too many cities near your own and you weren’t sure if you had enough supplies to last you through your entire trip. Although you were sure that you could find a small village nearby, you still felt the need to check over your supplies to prevent excessive spending. The fact that you had to travel through the heat didn’t make things any better.

You aimlessly wandered through the leafy forests, hoping that the direction of winds, clouds, and the sun would give you some indication as to where you were. Unfortunately, you had crossed the same dead lizard five times. You were moving in circles. A sigh escaped your lips as you trudged through the forest. Your mind had gone blank and you couldn’t think of a plan to get yourself out of this mess. Your calm demeanor was wearing thin as all your plans had begun to fall apart. The thought of blasting yourself into the sky with air magic had crossed your mind, but you knew that you were incapable of landing safely.

In the midst of your thoughts, you bumped into a tall, brooding figure. You instinctively elongated the vines from the plants, preparing to attack whatever was in front of you.

“Don’t hurt me with those vine things! I’m just a traveler!” A man with cooper hair and an eyepatch yelled.

You did a quick lookover and dropped the vines from your grasp. The man let out a sigh of relief and scrambled to his feet. He looked back at you and collected his things. Although you did not want to speak to him, he probably knew the jungle better than you and was your possible ticket to getting out of this mess. You mustered the courage in your chest to call out to him.

“Wait! I’m sorry that I shot those vines at you. I thought you were a monster, but that’s beside the point. Do you know where we are?”

He looked around with a suspicious glance. “I have a general idea. Can’t you use your magic to get yourself out of here?”

“If only I could, then I wouldn’t be wandering around with a loaf of bread and a flask of water.”

The stranger let out a chuckle. “I suppose you’re right. How did you get stuck in this place?”

And so you told him your story and your woes as an exile. You looked away, expecting him to make a rude remark but he chuckled and shook his head.

“Maybe we’re not so different, Magician. I happen to be an informally-exiled doctor for murdering a Count.”

You raised your eyebrow. For a murderer, he was rather friendly. Before you could ask any more questions, he told you his story (or whatever he remembered from it). There seemed to be many holes, but you were fairly entertained by them.

“Is Vesuvia close by?” You asked.

“Yeah, just a little down south. I’m going there to get some answers about myself. Are you going to join me?”

Other friends: Nadia, Muriel

R O M A N C E

Asra

Once you arrived at Vesuvia with Julian, the two of you went separate ways. Not that any altercation had taken place, but Julian was more focused on uncovering his past while you needed a place to stay. So you went about, searching for possible adobes for shelter. They were either too expensive or in terrible quality. But you didn’t give up, there had to be something you could find.

As you passed through the unfamiliar streets, you looked for possible places to sleep for the night. The pillar looked too stiff, the grass was too moist, and sleeping next to a building would hurt your back. Things were looking rough for you.

Your thoughts were interrupted by a tap on your shoulder. You spun around to see a handsome young man with fluffy, white hair and a soft smile. “You look a little lost and I don’t think I’ve seen you around. Are you new here?”

You let out a sheepish grin. “Yeah, I’m just looking for a place to stay. Do you know any place that’s inexpensive but sanitary?”

The man placed his hand on his chin, presumably to think of an answer to your question. After a moment, he responded. “You can stay at my place for the night. It’s not big, but it has a cozy feel to it.”

You shook your head. “You’re too kind, but I can’t infringe on your privacy like that. After all, you must have better things to do than help a random vagabond.”

“Well I used to be a vagabond myself, so I know the pain of wandering around with no place to go.” A snake slithered from his sleeve and cocked its head. “See? Even Faust thinks you should stay over.”

“You’re too kind!” You were about to accept his offer, but a new thought crossed your mind. What if he was trying to lure you to his home for dangerous reasons? There was no way to verify that he wasn’t a kidnapper or someone with ill intentions.

The stranger noticed your sudden discomfort. “If you’re worried about ill intentions, that was probably the furthest thing from my mind. How about you I show you around Vesuvia instead? If you feel more relaxed, you can stay at my place. But I’m not pressuring you if you don’t want to.”

“That doesn’t sound like a bad idea.”

“By the way, my name is Asra. Shall we get started on this tour?” The two of you wander through the colorful stalls of the city, examining the golden trinkets and wooden toys. There were racks of fruit neatly organized based on size and color with shelves of pastries next to them. Asra bought you a few desserts despite your protests. Although most products were overpriced, there was a rustic charm to them all.

By the end of the tour, you felt more comfortable around him. The two of you had spent the time exploring and talking about anything and everything. You even told him about your exile from your hometown. As he heard the story, he placed his hand on your shoulder.

“You know, I’m a magician too. If you ever need help with anything, just let me know.” He gave another one of his angelic smiles.

“Thanks. I think I’m mentally okay, but I do need to strengthen my magic.”

“I have an idea to fix that. Would you like to become my apprentice?”

F I N A L F A T E

Originally posted by autumncozy

You had taken Asra on his offer to become his apprentice and ended up staying at the shop for convenience purposes. It didn’t matter because most of your time was spent with Asra to improve your magic. Although you claimed to not have an affinity towards any type of magic, Asra would say that you were the best at everything you attempted. With each practice session, you grew better and more skilled in your magic. It was only a matter of time before the apprentice had become the master. Asra was amazed at your progress, but you weren’t so confident in your own abilities. There was always room for improvement in your eyes.

Word had spread that another talented magician had entered the Vesuvia, but that never bothered you. If they could accept Asra, there was no reason for them to mistreat you. Not everyone was as biased and prejudiced as the people of your hometown, yet you were cautious when performing your magic in public. When you did, you were surprised when receiving compliments and paid jobs from the public. And to make things better, Asra was always there to help.

Soon, the two of you felt that the shop’s business wasn’t doing too great and decided to close it down. After all, it gave you more living space so it wasn’t the worst feeling in the world. Instead, you came up with the idea to teach other aspiring magicians so they would not be stranded like you were. At first, Asra was unsure since he wanted to live alone together in a cottage further north from the city. But when you made the compromise to teach magic only during the summer in a remote location, he couldn’t refuse. He’d still have you all to himself during the spring, fall, and winter. Well, as long as Faust didn’t steal you away from him.

As time went by, you went on to train some of the most powerful magicians in the following generation. Some had gone to save other countries from treacherous monstrous while others had become the monsters themselves. There was regret harbored in your heart for you could not have the one who turned towards the dark path, but some people could not be saved. Nevertheless, you will be remembered as one of the pioneers of magic; it’s influence spread across the globe

T H E E N D

#I'm so sorry about the uglyass emojis #idk how tf they got there #plz dont kill me #life simulation #submission #the arcana #asra #julian

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angstyshippergremlin · 6 years

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Stuff-In Which I’m Not Really Okay

The saddest part about my recent break-up is that I don’t even really miss the guy. I miss the fact that had something to fill up my evening hours, even though talking to him was taxing and I didn’t even want to be talking to him half the time. I mean, I should miss him, right? I don’t. I just feel relieved that I don’t have to deal with him anymore.

Then that leaves me feeling like a terrible, heartless person. Because he wasn’t a bad guy. He was kind and gentle. A bit too hung up on marriage and kids for my taste, and tended to over-share in a big way to the point where I felt like more like an emotional buffer than anything else, but he was a good person. And I resented him for leaning on me. But it’s not like I can’t handle helping someone and building them up on a bad day or even a series of bad days.

Everyone has those. And I know what it’s like to have your own mind telling you that you’re a worthless piece of shit and a burden to everyone. I know what it’s like to hate yourself day in and day out because you just don’t feel good enough for anyone. I know that anxiety and fluctuating self-esteem don’t go away overnight...sometimes it never really leaves. I spent three and a half years being his friend before I even tried dating him, and I dated him for seven months. I knew going in that it was going to be a long distance relationship, since we met in college and college was two hours away from home for me. What I didn’t realize was that he was absolute shit at dealing with my emotional needs.

What no one ever talks about in relationships is that functional ones take compromise. Lots of compromise. No one person should ever get their way all the time in a relationship, because then the other person feels stifled and neglected. That’s where my relationship broke down. I gave him his way so much to the point where I felt stifled. I didn’t mind talking to him for an hour or so each night. That’s sort of what couples do. But then he started blowing up my phone, flooding my Snapchat with messages, quadruple--sometimes octuple texting me. If that didn’t work, he’d Facebook message me several times, and then he’d go to the video chat. He wanted what felt like near constant contact, and I’m not the type of person who can handle that.

I tried. I tried so fucking hard. Even when i was having my own low-energy days, I made time to talk to him. Sometimes I was distracted because I was so tired, and that made for a bad combo. My distracted mode woke up his insecurities, and I would have to spend quite some time reassuring him that I wasn’t mad at him, that I was just not feeling good. He’d apologize profusely and need more reassurance that I still liked him. I told myself that he’d had a lot of people treat him poorly and that I was being unreasonable. I have hermit tendencies. So I tried to make myself available and be supportive. Whenever he felt down because someone at work or school seemed to dislike him or he failed a licensing test (teaching license tests are nightmarishly hard here in Indiana), I was there to tell him he was wonderful and that whoever was badmouthing him could fight me. I always made it clear that my suggestions were just suggestions and he should do what he thought to be right. I didn’t want to be controlling or emotionally abusive.

But the gates had opened. Suddenly, I was drowning in a deluge of his problems. I told myself that he was going through a stressful time and that I just needed to be patient with him. But it never stopped. Every time we talked, I spent most of the time reassuring him that he was a wonderful person and that he was going to pass those tests and that it wasn’t wrong to have hurt feelings. The problem was that it happened every night. It got to a point where talking to him was exhausting, because he seemed to have a crisis every day, and we spent fifteen minutes tops talking about my day. Part of this was because I generally live a quiet life. The rest of it was that I was always taught that what happens in the family stays in the family, and here he was telling me every dirty little detail about his family. I told myself that he was just like that and I should get used to it. But sometimes I needed a break. However, the first time I asked for a break, he immediately concluded that I was getting tired of him and was about to dump him. Some variation of the same scenario happened every time I tried to ask for more space. He would say he was sorry for bothering me, leading me to assure him that he wasn’t a bother (even though he really was sometimes), and he’d tell me he missed me and say that I was the only one he could really talk to. Sometimes he’d call and interrupt time with my friends, and if I seemed anything less than delighted to hear from him, I’d spend half an hour convincing him that, no, I wasn’t going to break up with him because he called at a bad time.

It reached a point where I felt guilty for needing space. At the same time, I resented him for the fact that I felt guilty. I mean, he couldn’t help that people had sat on him for so long that he was only just learning it was okay to have negative emotions and express them, right? I shouldn’t be so hard on him. But the thing is, he still wanted more. Every vision of our future in his head involved me moving down near his tiny-ass town, getting married and leaving everything I’d ever known behind to have kids I’m still not sure I want. Hell, just thinking about having sex makes me cringe a little. Every time I tried to tell him I wasn’t ready to think about this stuff, he took it as a rejection of him. One night, I told him that if I still didn’t have a steady job in six months and he asked me to marry him, I’d say no because neither of us had really had a chance to live our own lives outside of our parents’ homes. He nearly had a meltdown and ended the conversation, and then we spent the next two days hashing it out, where I spent yet more time reassuring him that I wasn’t about to dump him (though it was really starting to sound tempting), and that I just wasn’t ready to marry yet. It didn’t mean never, it just meant maybe not for another year or so.

Finally, during a weekend visit, a couple weeks ago, in fact, we had several deep conversations. Conversations in which I explained to him that I cared deeply for him, but since he was an extrovert and I was an introvert, we had various needs for compromise. I explained that I liked talking to him, but the constant contact was not good for me. He told me he understood, but also said that giving me space left him feeling deprived. We also talked about how much he wanted kids, and how due to various health issues and a couple of birth defects on my end (I was born missing a lower set of ribs, and there’s something about my vertebrae that could making having children risky), it would be a while before I was ready to have kids. I had made it clear to him that while kids were not a definite ‘no’ for me, I had some reservations that I would need time to move past. I’m not even sure I want to raise kids. I’m not sure I can handle doing the things required to make a child because the thought of doing the things involved kinda makes me queasy. Once again, it became a conversation about what he wanted and how I could give it to him, with no regard for what I might want.

He then asked why talking to him made me tired, and I tried, as gently as possible, to tell him that by my standards, he tended to overshare. I told him that there wasn’t really anything wrong about what he was doing, but admitted that at times I felt more like an emotional crutch than a partner. I explained that I’d sometimes done time as a very unwilling emotional buffer for my parents’ marriage, and that while I could handle it sometimes, I felt like he needed it more than i was comfortable with. At that point, he ended the conversation and ended the visit two days ahead of schedule. It was obvious he was upset, but he swore that he was leaving because of a possible storm. He told my dad that he just suddenly felt homesick. And that was when I had had enough. Our relationship had become all about what he wanted, with no room for what I needed. I’d spent months feeling guilty for needing space, and the minute I told him what I needed, he couldn’t handle it. I told him to call and let me know he’d gotten home safely. That night, when he called, I made it clear that I wasn’t happy with him. I would’ve been okay if he’d told me he needed space to think. What infuriated me was that he fed me some bullshit excuse about the weather when it was obvious he just hadn’t heard what he wanted me to say. I told him that the weather excuse sounded hollow, and that combined with his behavior made me feel like he was trying to manipulate me. In the end, I broke up with him.

It was hard. That conversation was terrible. He ended up crying, and I felt like the scum of the earth, hearing him break down like that. But the horrible part was that I mostly felt relief. I was relieved that it was finally over.

I’m not someone who can handle parsing out the same issue over and over and over again. I’m not someone who likes to be fed empty excuses. I’m definitely not someone who likes planning her life based entirely around what someone else wanted. By the time that last phone call happened, I’d been feeling trapped for a while. And I felt terrible for feeling that way. But I just couldn’t take it anymore. I’m sure someone will think that I’m purposely making him look bad, but this is just how I felt. I’m sure others will say I should’ve hung in there, but I felt like I was suffocating. And now I’m still left feeling like a terrible person because I couldn’t make it work.

#life #i suck guys #i dumped him #i don't even really feel guilty about it #relationships #my life #that relationship was a dumpster fire #pretty sure i'm asexual

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themomsandthecity · 7 years

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The Mindf*ck of a Miscarriage

Image Source: StockSnap / Jad Limcaco I've been pregnant three times. I have two children. I'll give it a second for that to sink in. Yep. One of those times resulted in a miscarriage, and it turned my world upside down. I've struggled with sharing this story. You see, I am a blogger. A "mommy blogger," to be exact. And in my line of work, I believe strongly in transparency. Read any of my posts and you'll see that they are as real as it gets. No unicorns or rainbows. Just a mom, in a second marriage, with two children and a blog, keeping it real every damn day. Some may say I even overshare at times. But this? How could I share something that devastated me to my core? It is so personal and something that changed me forever. I realized that for every story about miscarriage or fertility struggles that is shared, there are so many more women who suffer in silence. I no longer wanted to be one of them. Mother's intuition After a tumultuous marriage that ended in divorce with a toddler in tow, I grieved, curled up in the fetal position, and puked my guts up for several months. After some time and the painful exercise of dating in your late-ish 30s as a single mother, I met my Prince Charming. We pretty much knew right away that "this was it," and we certainly knew that after we got married we wanted a child together. After we got married, the stars aligned and about five minutes after going off the pill, I was pregnant. We were shocked. Although I did get pregnant almost immediately in my first marriage, now I had a different baby daddy and was teetering on the edge of 40, so I wasn't sure how that would change things. I was sick from the beginning. All I wanted was sleep and ginger ale. I felt like sh*t every single day and my body didn't feel right. But I chalked it up to morning sickness and "advanced maternal age," whatever the eff that means. The first few OBGYN appointments were typical and everything looked how it should. However, when we arrived for the nine-week ultrasound, I knew in my gut something was wrong (call it mother's intuition) before my doctor even turned the screen back to face him and uttered the words, "I'm so sorry". Related Mom's Stunning Photography Sheds Light on Miscarriage and Infant Loss That was it and I was numb I left that office a shell of myself and headed to the pharmacy to get the meds that would expel what now seemed like a foreign body from my body. I couldn't bear to look at the ultrasounds I had saved and tossed them abruptly in the trash, hoping for some sort of quick and magical closure. It was explained to me that I shouldn't be alone because there would be a lot of bleeding and even more physical discomfort. As much as I wanted to literally fall into a heaping, sobbing mess in my husband's arms, I also just wanted him to go to work. Perhaps part of me was trying to belittle the importance of what was about to happen. But we had not told a soul I was even pregnant. So now, here I am, calling my mother to tell her I was pregnant and now I'm not and can she please come over and rub my back until my husband gets home, while I miscarry. As if this wasn't gut-wrenching enough, the meds did not work (which is quite common) and I needed to go through the whole process again. The second time they were successful, if you can even call it that. I hit the lowest low of my life while I sat in the bathroom, bleeding, sobbing, and clutching my husband's leg for dear life. Physically it was traumatic. Emotionally it was worse. And I was broken. Falling apart How the f*ck do you recover from this? Do I even want to try again if there's a chance this can happen all over again? Can I emotionally handle any of this? I would muster up enough energy to act completely normal in front of my daughter. I even had to attend a friend's wedding in the midst of this, still sporting a giant maxi pad because of the residual bleeding. My body, for all practical purposes, still thought it was pregnant. Physically I felt pregnant; I even wore a dress I specifically bought thinking I would be pregnant. I was all dressed up, hair and makeup professionally done, sipping wine, making casual conversation, but dying inside, hiding what felt like a dirty little secret. I wasn't embarrassed or ashamed. I was heartbroken. I didn't want to tell people because I didn't want pity and questions and those sideways glances. I didn't want to be a discussion point at someone's happy hour. I couldn't work. I couldn't be around anyone but my husband, my mom, and my daughter. I withdrew from my friends enough to feel some space but not so much that their radars would go off. I was not strong and brave and able to pick myself up and dust myself off, as they say. I tried to bounce back. But I found myself crying all the time. Defeated. Family and friends would say things that knocked the wind out of me on a regular basis. "When are you having a baby??!?!" "Don't you want another child?" "Aren't you going to give your daughter a sibling?" "What are you waiting for . . . you're not getting any younger!" Questions posed as if I had a CHOICE. I may have no filter, but when it comes to pregnancy, I have ALWAYS believed that you shouldn't ask those questions, ever. While it may come from a good place, it's intrusive and personal and you have no idea what is going on behind the scenes. Something that may seem like normal conversation to you feels like a gut punch to someone who has experienced loss, or is injecting themselves with drugs for rounds of IVF, or is having marital problems, or can't get pregnant and doesn't know why, or doesn't even want children. So, seriously, just stop asking! If someone wants to share that journey with you, that's their call. Lillian On top of it all, after several more doctor's visits, I was told that there was a VERY slim chance I would conceive naturally. My husband and I did a whole battery of tests and it turned out that while we were compatible in every way, there were small things with both of us that created challenges for a broad approaching 40 with at least one uncooperative ovary. Following that appointment, my husband told me he loved me AND my wonky ovary, and it was probably the first time I smiled in months. My doc ended the conversation telling me that if I didn't get knocked up in the next month, IVF was going to be our only option. One day during a normal conversation with a close friend, I broke down and it all came pouring out like verbal diarrhea. She urged me to go see an energy healer she had personal experience with. I am open-minded, but this was way out of my comfort zone, and if I'm being honest, I didn't really believe in it. While I'm also a big proponent of therapy, that's not what I needed here. I didn't need to dig my way down to uncover the root of my feelings. I knew what was eating at me. I needed to do something to get the bad juju out of my body so I could function instead of faking it. So I went for it. My first appointment with Lillian was almost four hours long. We had a lengthy conversation about why I was there and what I hoped to get out of these sessions. Plain and simple, I wanted a baby. Let me be clear that Lillian made me no lofty or unrealistic promises. Just that she could help me get out from under this black cloud and feel lighter, less negative. She could help change my perspective and help me focus on the positive. And I desperately needed ALL the positive vibes, so I was all in. She explained everything to me and said we would do reiki and that she would start with the sacral chakra since that's associated with fertility. She may as well have been speaking French, but I took it all in, let go, and let her do her thing. I cried most of the appointment, but not out of sadness; it was more like an emotional purge. I hung on her every word and let my mind and body go where it wanted to. I left that room a different person. You don't have to believe it, and I can't explain it, but my whole mindset changed. I felt hopeful and positive and more like myself than I had in months. Every morning when I woke up and every night before I went to bed, I recited the same affirmation . . . my own personal prayer. It was something that Lillian had me write down and say out loud during my first appointment and told me to repeat daily. It was meant to be a forward-facing statement written in a very definitive tone as if it was already my reality. Image Source: Rachel Sobel I began to see her every week for reiki, and every week I felt better than the one before. I started to feel whole. I actually felt physical effects during my appointments. I'm not kidding. One appointment in particular, I literally felt a popping sensation in my abdomen when she was focusing on that area. I asked her what it was and she said I was "blocked" and she was clearing it. I learned to just go with it, which is tough for a type-A chick. I learned more about myself and the connection between my mind and body in Lillian's little office than I had in my whole 39-and-a-half years of life. I learned not to sweat the small stuff. I learned that some people are just jerks lacking insight and will continue to say things like, "Don't you guys want a baby?" But most of all, I learned to have faith. Second chances At the end of my first month seeing Lillian, I was pregnant, and nobody was more shocked that me. It wasn't an easy pregnancy and I was hospitalized twice with complications. I was so traumatized from my miscarriage that my anxiety would skyrocket before every doctor's appointment. I practically held my breath until I heard/saw a heartbeat. It was a complete paradox to my first pregnancy where I went in to every visit blissfully unaware of the dark side and I longed for that ignorance. But this past February, I gave birth to another perfect little girl. My little miracle. I actually joke that my husband and Lillian both got me pregnant. I feel overwhelmed with gratitude every single day but still feel a visceral sting when people speak of miscarriage. The pain and feeling of that loss doesn't simply disappear. My heart breaks for anyone who has ever gone through it. And while I am grateful, I am also humbled by the experience. It changed me and reinforced the idea of never taking anything for granted, especially my babies. In a frame, hanging in her room, is that little piece of paper with the prayer I wrote down in Lillian's office during that first visit. Right next to a picture of her and her big sister. My girls. It's purposely the first thing you see when you walk in because I want to always remember how incredibly fortunate I am for how this story ended. For anyone who has struggled with miscarriage and fertility challenges, there is an unspoken sisterhood of support made of up women who can relate. I still get choked up when I think about it, or talk about it. But I also know I'm not alone and hope that I can bring some comfort and empathy to anyone struggling with a similar situation by being vulnerable and sharing something that took me so long to write about. http://bit.ly/2xi5Qp0

#Personal Essay #Miscarriage

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