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fitzrove · 12 days

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Ooh btw when I went out with my friends the other night we were waiting for a bus at one point. An extremely pretty girl was waiting for it a few metres away from us... I noticed her existing as you do pretty girls when you are a Homosexual (🫣) but was mostly focused on talking to my friends and stuff. Well suddenly she came up to us and I noticed she was actually kinda crying (!! 🥺) and asked if any of us had a tissue. I am always prepared esp fresh off my sneezy Vienna trip, so I gave her a plastic-wrapped pack, unopened and all... she was very grateful (asking if she could really keep it all - I said it was fine and even got to use the tdv sarah "you can have it, i've got two" line because I did have two hehehe success everyone inside my brain clapped) but she struggled to open it because long acrylic nails! So I offered to help again and she gave it back to me and our fingers brushed a bit and I tore the plastic cover open with my long short-nailed sexy lesbian fingers 😌 and gave it back hehe.

Anyway I feel like this all would've been a queercoded metaphor if it was fictional but because it's real life we went our separate ways never to meet again 😌 but I was still kind of thinking about her at the club 🥹 and when we were taking the train home with my friend at 5:50 am I was kind of talking about her JSKFLDLFLFL omg kinda creepy tbh esp since I wasn't even drunk 💀 Well my friend was drunk so maybe she already forgot about it. I hope that girl is less sad now and believes in the good in humanity 😌❤️

#🤣🤣🤣 this is what you hyperfixate on when you're too mentally ill to meet people for dates sjkdkdlflf #that and straight girls 💀 there is a cute straight girl in my programme that's very touchy (maybe because she's french) and this week #her cute straight friend (well she has a bf but i'm assuming straight lmao) was visiting her 😭😂😂😂#i talked to her for like an hour about castles and the cote d'azur 😌#also omg not to return to the tissues and this is tmi but my ex gf also gave me one of those plastic packs at least once 😭 akdkdlld #(i dont remember if it was because i was sick or if it was when we broke up and i was crying 💀 it was nice either way 🥺)#so um yeah i guess i was just paying forward good gay karma 😌😌#akdkdldllf idk being undercover gay is weird. i think its nice to be able to interact w girls and not have them assume ulterior motives #(which i dont really have... like if i'm white knighting i'm just doing it for my own satisfaction/enjoyment 💀😭😂)#but yeah i feel like straight girls you just met will interact w you in a girl talk way and then you're secretly a bit into them whoops 🤡🤣#personal #ramble

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jinstronaut · 25 days

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this is also why i stopped using my tracked tag for a while tbh

#and i might do it again bc its just #a reminder that no one rly cares abt what i do / who i am etc #which might sound over dramatic idk how else to describe it tho its just hollow #it feels very much like a Chore and a Task and if i dont reblog things fast enough from my tag #people get very angry and/or upset with me even tho theres just #so much content and i have 0 time so everything gets queued no matter what #like this whole experience feels like a chore lmao #and it never ever used to #but now theres so much animosity if i dont behave / interact with things Properly #or whatever the make believe rules are idk #this dash can just be so negative like have we all truly descended into madness during this hiatus #bc like i get it ive been up and down and all around too but ive never been straight up MEAN to anyone in this community #and i never want to either so this entire situation thats been bubbling for months just feels like shit #bc what the fuck changed and how do we get back to where we were #i never ever ever ever felt this way before like idk the middle of last year #but ever since like last fall its just been idk. Bad #once again im sorry if ive ever done anything to upset anyone but my silence / absence doesnt mean i dont care #ive just been Incredibly busy due to some real life changes that are out of my control #i might not have energy to answer everything but i do Read everything and it does make me smile #and i save messages that are kind in my heart so i can be reminded of the root of what this blog is supposed to be #a space for something im very passionate about and previously had nowhere else to express said passion #so like idk if we all like the same things why does this weird feeling of competition linger over us lmao #why do all ccs have to fight???? each other???? when we all love and do the same things????#i have nothing against anyone personally but what i Do take issue with is the way that ive been doing this since 2021 and im fully just #ignored and shoved aside by so many people for reasons i fully dont know or understand #so yeah idk this is a novel i just woke up from a spontaneous nap bc im so exhausted i can only stay awake for 3 hours at a time #but yeah anyways idk !#be nice its so easy !#tbd

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butmemostly · 1 year

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there is not enough 92sies sprace. i know what you all are doing. 92sies fans did not get on their knees and pick up crumbs to ship spot and race for the rest of us to run off with it and apply it to livesies where not only do they not even directly interact, but fanon prefers because they find the actors more attractive, and then proceed to boil their characters down to 1-2 traits each and ship them in a weird almost f/tishy "dumb feminine man x angry masculine man" way. guys this is a class war not the yaoi war.

#& dont get me wrong NOT all sprace content is like this. it's just Enough #i know this is gonna be controversial but as much as i love sprace ive finally realized why a lot of the fan content doesnt appeal to me #or is just straight up uncomfortable #and it kind of goes with the sexification of funny characters in general which race has fallen victim to #in which ppl remove their depth; give them more sex appeal; and add a pinch of frat boy to the mixture #to make this unhinged sexful comic relief #now im just as in love with btc as the rest of yall but race fell victim to this because he was in the proshot and ppl were attracted 2 him #which is fine #BUT leads to a lot of like.#misinterpretation of his character or just heavily exaggerating certain aspects that made him initially attractive to ppl #which then ends up consuming fanon like a poisoned water supply #it's kinda a variation of sexymanification. fanon making a character stereotypically queer but in a way that is attractive and consumable #and completely overtakes canon aspects of the character. it is not inherently f*tishy but it can definitely acquire those vibes #source: kuroo tetsurou warrior who survived 2016 era haikyuu fandom #92sies sprace is a funny rarepair while livesies sprace is like when the bbc sherlock fandom shipped lestrade and mycroft for no reason #but with the vibes of the ppl who Made Up A Man to ship moriarty with. does that make sense.#the never-interacted rarepair mixed with the yaoiful (derogatory) vibes of 'if this man has no one to ship with i'll just make one myself'#and again i dont think all (livesies) sprace content falls victim to this nor do all people Intend to characterize them this way #i can totally get Not realizing you're portraying them this way until someone points it out #and i couldnt even articulate why i didn't like a lot of sprace content until i saw some passing mentions of this like. An Hour ago #newsies #sprace #dontlistento me

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simcardiac-arrested · 9 months

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as a russian who doesn't talk to russian people online what the shit is happening there hello

look man i myself have put in the effort to Not talk to online russians for like (checks hand) 7 or so years (of course i’ve met some really great ones but this isn’t about them and they probably know it) but i’m sure the community didn’t change much. actually from the glimpses i see it seems to have gotten worse. don’t even get me startedddddd man

#Like okay first we have the misogynist dudebros. not a category exclusive to online russians but #there are so many it’s fucking crazy. homophobic to hell and back and Will hate on you for no reason #alpha male type mfs who hate women but will still harass them because of course they will #the second category of course is weird unironic fujoshis who are also usually proshippers #and they are either 12 (forgivable) or 25 and the thing is you can NEVER tell. But it’s kind of fucked how #acceptable it is to just straight up fetishize gay men (hell probably not only them) in online russian communities #and listen to me. the secret third category is that there is no third category. Both of these categories are racist #deer was right i have never seen a community more racist or xenophobic than fucking online russians #you draw a character one shade darker than their usual skintone and suddenly you got annoying as fuck russians in your comments going #BRO BURNT IN THE SUNNN 🤣🤣🤣 ENGLISH FANDOM LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE !!! <- in recent times they have taken to blaming the english fandom for #‘wokefying’ their sacred online russian spaces. Of course we can only be woke enough to fetishize gay men. god forbid black people exist #now the actual third category is the online russian tеrf/radfеm community. it seems recent to me but also as i said i have not really #interacted with russian comminity as a whole for a long while. But yea anyways they’re crazy i dont think i have to explain this one #but they’re somehow more evil and miserable than the ones you’re used to #another recent one is the russian twitterians … i’ve only seen glimpses of them as well as i dont use twitter #but you will not believe the shit these mfs try to pull. They try to get you to stop swearing at all bc they find a way to make every #russian swear word offensive. AND they speak fucking … englussian. rusglish. Half of their sentences are just english words written in #russian letters. all the same buzzwords english speaking twitter users like to say!#if you’ve never seen a russian talk about feminization or gatekeeping or being woke or yadda yadda. Well i have #it’s bad. they’re just very very terminally online #and don’t worry the last two categories will also always be racist/xenophobic even if the last one tries to seem Progressive #don’t know if i missed anytning but those are just the Specific Types of annoying asf online russians that i have noticed and have been #observing from a safe distance like a scientist #my point is keep not talking to russian people #cramswering #edit: I FORGOT BUT DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON HOW ONLINE RUSSIANS TREAT TRANS PEOPLE #YOU CANNOT IMAGINE THE WAY THEY REACT TO TRANS HEADCANONS IT’S LIKE THE END OF THE WORLD TO THEM. OR TRANS CHARACTERS #OR GOD FORBID ACTUAL REAL LIFE TRANS PEOPLE. it’s actually quite incredible how bigoted online russians are

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ultramarine-spirit · 1 year

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What you said in your previous post about manhwas reflecting the thinking of Korean autoreas is so true!! it's frustrating because people analyze it with their western mentality and throw so much hate without bothering to try to understand the story. There are many things that I have noticed in the manhwa that are very different from things in the west (for example, the FL is always compared to an angel or a fairy lol) but something that caught my attention is that in the west it is It is very common that when we talk about an 'empowered woman' it is a woman who is good at physical fights, with super powers or good at using weapons with sarcastic personalitys and other things, while in manhwas (there are women like that too, of course) but something they have that the americans movies don't usually show is that the women here are very good at studying. That surprised me (and I liked it) because it is not very common to see women who work hard in the studios and enjoy it in USA movies, but they do in manhwas. One of the few movies that reflects this is legally blonde (and it's one of the best movies out there) plus I have a great love for academically validated female characters, they are literally my favorites in any story so reading that Athy really enjoyed studying made me fall more in love with her. Also when FLs have to act cute in order to survive, fans often throw so much hate at them saying they are irritating or ridiculous but they don't take the time to think that there are many ways to be a great female character without always using weapons, I have a great hatred for the term "soft fl" it seems too misogynistic to me that they are thrown down for that reason but waiting for the manhwa community to realize that is going to take a long time.

Another thing I remember is that in the novel Athy had many modern thoughts that surprised me, like when they talked a little about Korean society and I could feel a criticism of this or the things she said when some men harassed her and Jennette or when some men Men said that she would be happier married to a prince instead of being the next empress and she was very upset by her. Also when in his debut he said "one thing I learned is that boys have to look like boys and ladies look like ladies" (this stuck with me because it made me think of oversexualizing young children but maybe I'm overanalyzing it) There are many interesting things in the wmmap novel that people take out of context.

Another thing I've noticed is that in the East it's more typical to see this kind of "sunshine" girls who are sweet and cheerful, very kind, literally the kind of people that everyone loves and in manhwas they get so much hate, it's hateful. It's also not common to see this type of girls in the west and if they are, they are always hated. Ruby from How to get my husband on my side is truly one of the strongest female characters out there and is always looked down on just because she is softer compared to the other girlboss leads. Athanasia is a character who seems to be on the lookout for between these two terms but he still gets criticized for not having acted in a more "evil" way it's funny because the scene of Athy facing the nobles and then Anastascius screamed more power to me than many scenes I've seen in movies or series.

I just want to clarify that I love my villainous girls, medea and roxana are really amazing and I enjoyed women who do morally bad things, marianne, Cosette, soleia, I love them all. But I genuinely hate how they look down on 'soft fl'

The thing is, there are a lot of things in the novels/manhwas that I feel are critical or stereotypical of them that more western minded people take too much out of context and it's too frustrating, some people have a hard time understanding which does not have to be from their point of view.

sorry for all the rant lmao, i didn't mean to make it so long, it's just that this is one of my big problems with the manhwa community 😭

Have a good day!

Don't worry for the rant, anon! I think similarly to you as well.

I'm in the position that, while I live in a country that geographically and politically could be considered "the west" (what a long conversation that is lmfao), my culture doesn't perfectly align with "western" values and ideas. So when I see people sending hate towards manhwa, I notice how they often analyze them exclusively from their personal point of view and own biases, not realizing that asian media is very different from western media. I don't know if this is a problem of media literacy or it's that people think less of asian media as a whole. Hopefully it's the former.

But yes, most manhwas reflect korean values! Shocking, I know. Perhaps people get blinded by the western settings, but even if the characters "don't look" asian, they were made by an asian author, so obviously they reflect asian ideas and values. In that sense, they are asian characters. A similar discourse happens with anime and danmei/xianxia novels.

I think western readers have an easier time liking "girlboss" FLs and revenge fantasy stories because those are more common on this side of the world. But they struggle with more nuanced stories where the FL is not perfect, she does not solve everything with schemes or being a badass, is "weak", or (heaven forbid!) is able to forgive a family that hurt her in the past. This is the main criticism Athy gets, the fact that she was able to love Claude. I truly don't understand how people decide to even read WMMAP if they are so opposed to that idea, because that's the heart of WMMAP's story. Family holds a much bigger importance on the east compared to the west's individualistic idiosyncrasy, so of course most asian stories that touch the topic of family won't end in "if your family wronged you, fuck them". From where I'm from, family is also regarded as very important, so I can understand why a lot of manhwas are about rebuilding family relationships, not destroying them. And even then, you have plenty of revenge fantasies with cartoonishly evil families, so if that's what you prefer, you can read those.

Specifically korean media, it often touches topics like, generational trauma, misogyny, capitalism, etc. As you said, WMMAP addresses these things too in some way or another. I didn't think manhwa was particularly subtle as a medium (I know it's kinda ironic coming from me, but these are very simple stories, not Dostoevsky novels), but if people have trouble understanding the point of Parasite and Squid Game, then no wonder they can't pick up on these themes.

I'm not saying asian media or manhwas are above negative criticism. They have plenty of issues of their own. But if you are going to criticize something, you have to truly understand it, and reading anything disregarding cultural context or the own internal biases you may hold is at best foolish and at worst very ignorant. Western readers often have this mentality that all stories have to cater to them, when it's obvious that manhwas were made thinking of a korean public first and foremost.

(I dislike when people say Athy should have been more "evil". The whole point of her character is how her kindness and willingness to be empathetic with others and try to build honest relationships was what saved everyone. Villainesses AUs are fun, but when people truly say that Athy's character is weak because she chooses to feel love instead of hatred, because she is selfless instead of selfish- Why are you even reading WMMAP? And even then, she is far from "soft" and has plenty of "badass moments"...)

(News to me that Ruby gets hate, I thought she was the new manhwa darling. I stopped reading that series, but to me she was the best part of it by far. I think she is one of the only few good portrayals of a victim of physical abuse and ED in all manhwa. I have always disliked how those traits are just brushed aside as little things to endear the FL to the reader, but are never treated with the seriousness they deserve).

#personally im not a fan of 'super badass FLs that solve everything by just being girlbosses' cuz i feel like the author is trying to pander #to readers that like to self insert or live their fantasies through the FL. and its cool if thats your thing but its not mine #another extremely funny thing is how people lose their shit at pseudo incest manhwa (aka adopted siblings not raised together fall in love)#(and to be clear. i also dont like the trope but that's not my point) when-#pseudo incest and straight up incest are part of the western literary canon. a VERY prominent part if i might add #my point is that you may dislike the trope. that's fair. but often those criticisms read as 'eww this gross korean manhwa is so disgusting'#which... idk guys you might wanna think a little about how you interact with foreign media and how your biases might be affected by racism #just food for thought #anyways that's why i dont care about 'manhwa fandom'. i just wanna talk about wmmap with wmmap fans #wmmap #wmmap meta

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mikoran · 1 year

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sometimes ill see a st3ddie post about their hypothetical struggle of being queer in the 80s and ficlets about the homophobia they deal with. and the rational, logical side of me thinks that its fandom and everyone is allowed to do what they want and finding comfort in characters experiencing your experiences can be very helpful to people. but the other side of me is yelling WILL BYERS IS RIGHT FUCKING THERE

#like theres nothing wrong with shipping it and portraying those things with them #but something about choosing the only slightly implied queer character and the very much straight one to use as an outlet just #reallyyyy rubs me the wrong way when a character in the show already canonically faces that shit #not to mention the fact that steddies popularity mostly comes from the ability to sexualize them which is a whole other can of worms #and said people doing the sexualization is often cishet women #and then they pull out other cards like oh actually lets focus on steves trauma guys and the tragedy that is eddie #and theres no harm in that either ofc character analysis is great i live for it #but we all know its not actually about their depths as characters #its about being attractive white men #contrary to what this post might tell you about me i dont mind steddie its like fine ig #and i like steve and eddie but god their stans annoy me sometimes #anti steddie #but back to will #hes had to face so much. hes had deal with people calling him slurs his whole life. hes in love with his (supposedly) straight best friend #hes got queer depression written all over him #and yet hes somehow not the top choice for crying over those things about #instead its two characters with like. a singular one on one interaction #again #no problem with shipping them etc etc #but seriously?? why are we focusing on them as opposed to the canonically queer much deeper romance playing out right before our eyes #with mounds of trauma and angst on the side #cough cough fetishization #ill shut up now sorry #will byers #byler

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sharkjumpers · 2 months

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ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

#okay ignore me sorry i dont want to bother anybody back to the classic using tumblr tags to ramble. Ok?#---------------------------------------------#iiiii hate having ptsd. I am like 14 years old and i dont know how to be bigger. Ok? I do not know why i had to go and argue with my mother #when i have to see her every day . And deal with the consequences of arguing with her. I dont know how i used to do it but now i #am just sitting here being forced to interact with other people while on the constant brink of tears.#How am i supposed to do schoolwork when i have ptsd and just want to curl up in a ball on my bed aks style. Riddle me that #I dont know its just frustrating that I have to navigate normal things like school while getting blasted with some evil ptsd moment every #other day. something something i must just be a teeth hurt kinda guy.#They should be able to wrap me in FRAGILE DO NOT TOUCH paper without any questions asked you see.#Dont give me responsibilities i am straight up a little kid forever. one bad source of information #i will be okay i know this will pass but lord.#meowing #i dont know i just need to be held like a baby no questions asked for a while badly But i cant. Sad!

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nyxi-pixie · 2 years

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i dont trust a bitch that hates ronance

like wdym u like stedd1e(<3) or god forbid fucking h4rr1ngr0ve(😒) but you dont like ronance🤨🤨🤨🤨

like if u dnt ship it bc ur rooting for robin and vickie or ur a super yay jxncy person or smt sure whatever. but if u HATE ronance??? i do not trust you.

#anyone thats 100% insistent and totally sure that nance is straight gets my side eye tbh #bc like did u listen to murrays lil expose on her💀 'ur scared to be urself and instead rely on safety of conventional man'#yeahhh not queer coded at all #when we talk abt how mlm ships need 100x as much evidence as straight ships to be considered plausible???#yeah that but x10000000 for wlw ones jfc #like steve can have a male friend that says hes got nice abs or smthn and everyones WOOF WOOF BARK GRR GAY PEOPLE!!!#sure okay have fun besties #but nancy is like 🥰robin ik i wanted nothing to do w u 5 seconds ago but ive actually decided ur my fav person🥰#🥰we are gonna spend the rest of our time on this world saving mission glued together ok🥰#anyway. do i believe it has any shot at endgame?? no!#but i do not like the way that people are like st3ddie<333❗❗❗ (i love it too dont get me wrong fruity four my loves)#and then totally ignore ronance. or worse. see them as side characters 💀#i have so many thoughts on this but just. im usually a defender of why fandoms fixate on mlm ships bc women tend to have less development #(im a byler first. bc theyre the most obviously romantically coded in a Oh this one has Actual Potential way)#but robin and nancy are fairly well rounded characters. and they interact a fuck ton in s4. so. usual defenses are a no go #and now im ready to sword fight the haters #ronance #this is incomprehensible #but im right #only censoring ship names so i dnt end up in their tags i love stedd1e and jxncy dw

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airbenderedacted · 1 year

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deathstar shippers stop going out of ur way to tell me you hate dominator being a lesbian and that you’re homophobic asf challenge (impossible, apparently)

#(cw: put under a read more for homophobia & transphobia 😬)#LITERALLY went ''lemme say the quiet part out loud'' BRO THIS IS LIKE THE 6TH(????) TIME I'VE HAD SUCH AN ENCOUNTER #except i will say that this is the first time it wasn't unprovoked. i did @ them first to ask why they were leaving replies on my posts-#-saying hater's crush on dominator is creepy bc they 'look like they have an age gap' meanwhile they've liked AND MADE #-comments elsewhere shipping her with men that are way WAY older than her and sometimes visibly so like. hater and her are the same agegroup #so i was like. what is going on here huh??? ANFD THEN THEY JUST SAY THIS SHIT why am i ever surprised anymore lmao #shout out to this person for adding transphobia to their shittiness for Spice ig /s 🙄 eugh...#i should've seen it coming bc they were referencing a page on the woy wiki THAT USES STEVENSON'S CORRECT NAME & PRONOUNDS #AND YET THEY WERE ADAMANT ON USING HIS DEADNAME AND SHE/HER PRONOUNS LIKE.. I SHOULD'VE EXPECTED THIS I SHOULD'VE EXPECTED THIS but still 🤢#i dont ever wanna stop giving ppl the benefit of the doubt but oh my god do These people test me. every time. goes like this Every Single T-#on god only like twice or smthn have i seen [REDACTED] shippers be like.. very decent to me and literally just ignorant #and they were from here and i just ask them to not interact bc it makes me uncomfortable and they're like i dont get it but ofc #and i never see them again #AND THEN EVERY OTHER PERSON WHO IS INTO THIS SHIT I HAVE *EVER* COME ACROSS #FUCKING JUST... JUMPS INTO MY MENTIONS OUT OF NOWHERE. LITERALLY I DONT EVEN?? DO ANYTHING I DONT GO NEAR THEM BRO #THEY FUCKING SNIFF ME OUT OR SOME SHIT FOR HAVING A DNI ON OTHER SITES AND GO #''OH SO YOU THINK I'M WRONG FOR HAVING TO REIMAGINE GAY/LESBIAN CHARACTERS AS STRAIGHT SO I CAN ENJOY THEM?'' LIKE- WTF? YES? IT IS #also i kid you not this is an actual thing someone has gone out of their way to look me up and yell at me over for like an hour straiught #on twitter. it was unhinged. like they were convinced straight ppl are oppressed any time gay characters exist #bc gay characters existing makes them unlikable and unrelatable and unconsumable to straights like damn ok if u feel that way die abt it?#it's just so unhinged like bruh GO AWAY LMAO??? SHUT UP! I DONT CARE LITERALLY JUST KEEP UR FREAK BIGOT SHIT TO URSELF GET OUT #again that specifically doesn't apply to this person who technically WAS @ by me first bc i was like.. hey... hey what's going on here HUH #but oh my god they turn out to be vocally homophobic every single time. i was always hoping i was like...#over generalizing these people as being fucking homophobic just bc 1) the vibes r always like that 2) it's faster to say #BUT OH MY GOD THEY REALLY ARE HOMOPHOBIC AS A WHOLE WHAT THE FUCK I LITERALLY ALWAYS WENT OUT OF THE WAY TO BE LIKE aint no way ahah BUT NO?#BRO???? GET OUT OF HERE THIS SHOW IS NOT FOR YOU Y'ALL ARE CREEPS #THEY FEEL SO EMBOLDED TO SAY THE QUIET PART OUT LOUD EVERY SINGLE TIME WITHOUT PROMPTING. I ALWAYS MAKE FUCKING SURE TO NOT ACCUSE BIGOTRY #AT MOST I'LL JUST BE LIKE yeah so straightwashing is a thing that's homophobic so don't do that IF ANYTHING. I NEVER CALL THE PERSON THAT #AND EVERY TIMEEEE THEY JUST GO MASK OFF WITH ''BTW I DONT LIKE THE GAYS'' I OEIUFKGEJRHGUKJDFS EVERY TIME EVERY TIME WTFFFFF #usually being right about things is epic. not this THIS IS JUST.. GWORLS WHAT HE FUCK

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britneyshakespeare · 8 days

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i have been working with kids for four years and i had to write my first ever note just now about a seventh grade boy being inappropriate towards me. i don't know what the hell this could possibly lead to or what. he was trying to feel my legs repeatedly to the point where i had to stop sitting next to him (and i was subbing for his one-to-one para!!!). he's got high support needs. in that kind of job, you're supposed to sit next to them all day and look over their work.

the teacher whose classroom this was happening in could also tell something was wrong. the whole class was acting kinda crazy because it was the day before school vacation week and there was another class coming in to share projects. so like, he was swamped with keeping order already. but we were sitting two feet away from his podium at the front of the room. the kid was giving him and me a hard time when he wouldn't take out his chromebook as he was instructed. and then when he did take out his chromebook, he immediately, for some reason, places it on my lap. he had been ogling my legs the whole time. he puts his computer ON MY LAP. and i'm just like, stunned, because what the hell? can you not keep it on your own lap, for some reason? i don't even know what to say, i just hold it a little above my lap while i'm thinking why on earth would this be happening? he would NOT do this to his regular para if she were here, would he? this can't be normal.

and the teacher sees this and within a minute places a stool in front of the kid for him to put his laptop on. and i'm like. oh ok. yeah. he notices exactly what's happening and that that's not appropriate. and then when the other class comes in to share projects he tells me "miss b——, you don't actually have to sit next to c—— this whole period if you don't want to." and he grabs me a chair for me to go sit with the other paras in the back opposite corner of the room. like he KNEW. and thank you mr. d—— for recognizing that because i was just kind of shocked and didn't know if i was overreacting in my head to all of this.

when there's a point in the class where the kids are discussing stuff, i privately mention what's happened to the para who's sitting closest to me. and she says that the thing about him calling me pretty is something he's been known to do, but the fact that he kept trying to touch my legs is new behavior. and that's a completely different class of behavior. i was telling him NO, don't do that, and he kept doing it. and the fact that he was calling me pretty repeatedly, even when i was giving him instructions that he wasn't taking. and this is the second to last class before the end of the day, so she says she'll take a walk with him before learning center and talk to him about it, and i'm grateful for that. she does. the kid apologizes to me as soon as i come into learning center. but like. WHAT the hell.

i'm STILL like what the hell. this is unfathomable to me. the other adults who i told about this or who witnessed it were supportive of me. but. what to do??? i wrote a long note to his regular para about this, because i knew she was going to hear about it at least from the first para i told. the second para i told about it after school had a kind of... i'm not gonna say enabling reaction, but i suppose since it had already been "taken care of" (or at least, he had been spoken to and apologized) she didn't really have much to add in the way of discipline. i told her what happened after school and she was just like... a little bit, laughing? like oh, yup, that dog. she at the very least confirmed he KNEW what he was doing, that that was not an accident. she said to me "i had a feeling he was going to develop a crush on you" (me and these other paras were together for most of the beginning of the day too). but it's like. it's not about that.

i have worked with children for FOUR years. children have had crushes on me before; i'm quite unfazed by it. boys from the ages of 5-to-15 have told me i'm so pretty before and asked me to marry them. i've never had them feeling up my legs before. i've never had them making me physically uncomfortable. it's NOT about this seventh grader having a crush on the pretty substitute. he is NOT unusual for that, at all. but i've never had a boy of any age or education level repeatedly touching my knees and thighs. THAT is problem behavior!!!

because what if i wasn't assertive enough with him to tell him to stop? what if i was a girl his age? worse, what if i was an adult who encouraged this behavior? i don't come to the middle school to be a seductress. i had no intention in putting on a pair of tights and a skirt this morning of being viewed as an attractive object, especially not by a pubescent boy. what if i did though? what if his interpretation of me wasn't so incorrect and offensive? what if i let him keep touching me inappropriately and saying flirtatious things to me? me, an adult in my mid-twenties, towards a middle school boy?

in no world would that be ok. if i had been feeling up and overly-complimenting a CHILD at my place of work, holy shit would there be reports about me. so a child acting that way could never be ok either. if it'd be firable for me to be reciprocating that action, then that action should not be happening to me. ever. and that child should never repeat that action again to any other adult again.

like i am simply not there to be treated as an attractive young woman. i put on a skirt that shows too much knee and get paired with a boy, though, and that's apparently just a natural consequence. hooo-ly shit. like i don't know what to do. first of all, the more time passes since this has happened, the more i am just unable to stop thinking about it. i wasn't "hurt" or too emotional in the moment but i'm just still processing it and it gets worse. i'm just more and more disgusted.

i don't know what i expect to come out of this, or the email i sent to his regular para. like, am i gonna have to attend a fucking meeting? what is the precedent that this sets for him? WHY do i feel BAD for him about this? well, because he's a child, of course. a child who has done wrong he may not be able to understand. but he knows WHAT he did. he just doesn't know WHY it was wrong.

and i couldn't even say something to him that was like, "well, how would you like it if i was touching you like this?" because young boys do not understand how inappropriate it'd be. i'm sure this kid thought he was gonna get away with what he was doing at the very least. but probably not unlikely he (being a child with no concept of how wrong it'd be) thought he could get some sort of "positive" attention for treating me like this. either way he was simply doing what he wanted to do, with no perspective of how it would make me feel or that it could be classified as harassment. teenage boys think it'd be awesome if the older attractive woman would reciprocate their affections. they're wrong. i, as the older attractive woman of his affection, cannot be the one to convince him of that, though.

i don't know. i don't know. like it's just so not ok. but if i didn't tell another adult about this, he would've gotten away with it. he would probably do it again. and him being in trouble for it is not the same as him understanding that it was wrong. unless someone has a REAL talk with him about inappropriate attention and consent, it's not unlikely that he'll just repeat the behavior in a setting where he thinks he won't be caught or told on. THAT'S the problem. me, i could just never have to be this boy's para again. in my email, i didn't say that i would never be ok working with or around him ever again. he already knows i didn't like it and i'm not afraid to tell on him; as far as that lesson applies to me, individually, i think he's become too ashamed to repeat that.

i don't know. i don't know. i very much expressed that i, i guess, "forgave" him in the email that i wrote. i clarified that i was writing it for the sake of having it on the record. i think that could potentially be very important for the purposes of preventing further similar or escalating behavior from him in the future. i don't want him to be in trouble. i don't think i will be blamed for this, especially not with how promptly i acted, although i don't know to what extent this will be framed as me thinking i'm a "victim." i'm not... i don't feel victimized. i feel disgusted. i feel afraid for the sake of what could happen to or with him in the future, if he thinks behavior like his towards me today is ok.

i feel like if i end up having to further respond to this, this will be made about me. in a way it kind of was. is? in the moment it was happening, it was certainly about me. because i was the one this boy was giving all this unwanted attention to. but to make the consequences of this about me and to involve me any further, i also don't want. because i said what i said already, i don't care if a student has a crush on me. this isn't about me being the pretty substitute. i'm the pretty substitute all the time, to tons of people. that's not really something i've been concerned about up until now.

but do i have to reexplain my personal embarrassment? that i was wearing a skirt? that he was ogling my legs? really? what more do i have to gain from sharing that, other than having the adults at my place of work confirm or deny me in their heads as the pretty substitute? i don't know. perhaps that's REALLY overthinking it. but i don't want to be the substitute that caused a problem for this special ed kid. i don't wanna be the reason that he can't be around me anymore, the person people think of when they're monitoring how he's acting around girls and young women. i DON'T want to be the one people think of when they think of his past misbehavior. i'm NOT here for that.

that's just fucking humiliating. and in this being a thing that could follow him, i have to be ogled and touched over and over again in people's minds for this to be taken seriously. but for this to be swept under the rug would be even worse, no? i don't know. i hate this. the principal is a nice guy; i wouldn't be surprised if he and/or people from the special ed department reached out to me sympathetically about this. but i don't wanna be reached out to. i don't wanna have ppl i work with tell me "sorry that kid was just so attracted to you he couldn't help himself" like come on. if the kid himself doesn't change then i don't really care to remember this incident. and no one reaching out to me and saying they've talked to this kid will actually prove to me he understands. this is the kind of inappropriate behavior it takes years for people to understand why it was wrong, especially a child who has no idea. i mean come on.

#tales from diana #long post #sorry i should probably put this under a read more but it was just a long stream of consciousness #and idk. im tired. im so tired #do you wanna be known as the substitute teacher a kid kept touching inappropriately? probably not #thank god for the first para i told bc she took it really seriously seemingly. i mean idk what she told him in their conversation #not EXACTLY what she told him. she obviously said this was wrong and she reiterated in learning center again #that if that were her daughter she'd be through the roof and that she'd be telling his regular para #i mean of course i had to tell the regular para directly. i would rather it come from my mouth #i'm the one who has the most information of how and why it happened. i think other ppl telling it would just reduce it to #'he thought she was so pretty and he kept staring at and touching her legs cuz she wore a skirt' like come on #the indignity of that!#i already feel undignified enough.#and also thank god for the social studies teacher. the more im processing this the more im like thank god #i dont know him well. he had already been a nice dude to me before in my interactions w him #like as a sub you notice the people who are really affirming of the strange and irregular work you do #earlier this week i was subbing for the math teacher across the hall for instance and he came in before class started and said #that if anyone's giving me a hard time to just send them to him. bc that group can be a little rowdy/wild #my classroom discipline skills are not that bad where i felt the need to have someone more experienced defend me so to speak #like i know i look young and am assumed to be new. but with most classes. i can handle most misbehavior #i can put my foot down in a way kids normally respect. i know how to keep em on task #and for MOST of the day with this kid that's what i was doing. but if that social studies teacher hadn't done what he did #i might not feel so bold in just straight up walking away from that kid. after saying stop stop stop repeatedly #like he had his own job to do independent of me but i remember the gestures and like. i could cry. he KNEWWWW #that's just a very trustworthy person i feel. he didn't want me to suffer through that any longer #a lot of teachers (unfortunately) largely ignore the kids with paras and/or expect the paras to communicate to the kid exclusively #that teacher is not like that. he was willing to mind that boy while i escaped that situation. so so grateful to him

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