#suicide is not a thing i joke about

[ao3commentoftheday]

hate the fact that "kill yourself" is the hip, cool way to tell someone to fuck off. hate that people took the concept of telling another human being to end their own life and abbreviated it down to kys so they don't have to grapple with the horror of what they're actually saying

let's go back to ridiculous and harmless phrases that observers can maybe get a sensible chuckle out of instead

make like a tree and leaf

make like the wind and blow

put an egg in your shoe and beat it

treat your mouth like a door and shut it

#too many kys in the notes these days #just saw a kill yourself meme #suicide is not a thing i joke about #ever #this post is a plea

[mmelolabelle]

the beauty of coriolanus snow is that it is simply not possible to blow his self-centredness, emotional instability, complete lack of empathy and disregard for human life out of proportion. no matter how far you take the joke, how ridiculous the meme is, however much you think you’re exaggerating for comedic effect - you are not. his entirely rotten nature constrains us all into accuracy.

he simply is that fucking awful

#i actually weirdly love him #he’s hilarious #in the dark humor way #you know the kind were you joke about objectively awful things like a parent dying #or a suicide attempt #or a life changing accident #like ‘wow my guy you are really that fucked. wow.’ #coriolanus snow #president snow #a ballad of songbirds and snakes #abosas #the hunger games

[bugbuoyx]

CW: Suicide, graphic description of hospitalization

I know this shouldn't have to be said and you'd think people would know better in this day and age and this fucking community but apparently fucking not.

If you encourage, support, or engage in suicide baiting, even as small as "kys", block me or respond so I can block you. Suicide is not a fucking joke, it's not a punchline, it's not a "gotcha" or a catchy comeback it causes real actual fucking harm.

Do you know what it feels like to have a tube put down your throat? It's been 7 fucking years and I still viscerally remember being told to hold my breath and the awful pressure of the tube. I remember looking over and seeing my heartrate at 300, both my parents crying. The nurses reassuring me that it was gonna be okay.

You know what else I remember? The name and face of a kid who once told me to kill myself, I doubt he remembers, we were only 14, but I do.

Also, for obvious reasons, I don't support any threats of violence, especially over fucking internet discourse.

#suicide #hospitalization #discourse #transmasc #transandrophobia #transmisandry #(adding those tags bc i know anti-transmasc folks engage in this and this is about them) #also joking threats against ur friends is fine conversations between friends are v different from strangers #i also doubt this will do anything people who engage like this are young and dont actually care about others to them “discourse” is just #- a fun game and it can be! debating can be fun! until youre telling someone to end their life. #i think the intubation was the most traumatizing thing ive ever been through theres a reason its usually done under anaesthesia

[bloomfish]

i have to say, I'm happily taylor-neutral but I do think the hate, in general, is over the top. Like it's just pop music, some people are going to like it and some aren't and I don't understand why it matters that much. Like I saw a rather annoying post saying (I guess as a joke, not that funny to me though) that actual tortured poets stick their heads in ovens and like 1. that's... again, not funny 2. taylro is a woman at the end of the day she has a god-given right to feel connected to sylvia plath just like the rest of us. 3. anyone can be a tortured poet you just have to feel tortured and write poetry. it doesn't have to be good. a 13 year old writing emo poetry in her suburban bedroom can be a tortured poet I don't think it's that big of a deal and that's probably who the album was aimed at. 4. why would you say that anyway, it's stupid

#i mean i rly dont think jokes abt plath's suicide r that funny but also just a ridiculous thing to try and say #i guess i dont understand the outrage. if you don't like taylor or her music shouldn't you just not care? #personally i think she has some songs that are enjoyable and also a lot that i dont like. mostly i just dont pay much attention #imo the haters are losing the battle here as in putting way too much energy into something they supposedly dont like #a mainstream pop artist released a mainstream pop album. wow. how could this happen #i tend to think its just that this kind of hate bandwagon is easy and fun to jump onto. try this its called not caring and its free #im not going to try and find the post like w/e it's not about OP. but the HOW DARE SHE kind of things abt taylor are cringe imo #oh also i saw someone calling her a middle aged woman who should know better or something lol are you tripping????

[eyrieofsynapses]

Hey, Leverage peeps. Y’know how Sophie is introduced playing Lady Macbeth in Shakespeare’s Macbeth? I (re)read the play recently for a class (yes, I'm a literature nerd who voluntarily takes classes involving Shakespeare, sue me), and it got me thinking.

Because, guys… there's definitely meaning behind that choice. Lady Macbeth's character is an ambitious and manipulative woman who pulls her husband's strings to gain power, only to be consumed be guilt. Sound familiar? Yeah. There’s a lot of parallels.

I'm guessing many of you haven't read the play, so I'll explain the bare bones of what you need to know for the meta. Macbeth is a play about a general/nobleman named, of course, Macbeth. At the beginning, he encounters three witches—they're the origin of the "double, double toil and trouble / fire burn and cauldron bubble" phrase—who prophesize that Macbeth will become king. Macbeth describes his encounter to his wife, Lady Macbeth, who coerces him into murdering the current King Duncan. They work together to kill Duncan, and Macbeth ascends to the throne. He has numerous other people killed to keep his throne safe.

(Trigger warning for suicide mention! Skip to the next paragraph if you don't want to read.) Both he and Lady Macbeth are consumed by guilt as the play goes on, though, and she goes more or less insane and eventually commits suicide. (Trigger warning over.)

If you've ever heard of "out, out, damned spot," that's Lady Macbeth agonizing over the metaphorical blood she can't get off her hands.

So, how does this work with Sophie? Here's the thing. Lady Macbeth is known as one of the characters, if not the character, that coined the "dangerously ambitious woman" trope. She's determined to secure Macbeth's position on the throne, mostly for the power it'll gain her as Queen, and she pulls his strings over and over to get him to murder his way there.

Sophie is, of course, a grifter. Her entire skillset is designed to manipulate people—oftentimes rich and powerful men—to get what she wants. She isn't necessarily ambitious so much as obsessed with stealing artwork and other valuables, but she enjoys the downfall of most of her marks. She luxuriates in the power of making people do what she wants them to.

And yet Lady Macbeth does eventually succumb to the guilt of everything she's done… just as Sophie comes to recognize and regret the pain she's wrought. Remember The King George Job?

"Nate: I know what you're thinking, but it's not the same thing.

Sophie: Oh, no. Of course it's not. I stole from one rich man to sell to another rich man.

Nate: No one got hurt.

Sophie: That I know of. How do I know that innocent children were never used to shift my merchandise?"

(transcript)

In the same scene, she also says this:

"Listen, I know I grifted from filthy-rich wankers who hardly ever missed the money, of being taken for a ride. But this, this whole Moreau business has got me thinking. Keller steals from the rich, too, and a little girl ends up in detainment for it."

She comes to recognize her past wrongdoings via the work she does with the crew, and at the same time begins to redeem herself for it. That prevents her from becoming consumed by guilt as Lady Macbeth does. The theme, however, remains consistent.

It's also fascinating that Sophie refers to Nate as a "white knight, black king" in the very same episode as her initial (awful) performance as Lady Macbeth. White is often associated with purity and innocence, thus implying a “pure knight.” Macbeth himself is a noble and well-respected "knight" (technically general and nobleman, but it follows the same concept) before Lady Macbeth coerces him into murdering King Duncan. This parallels neatly with Nate as a “pure knight,” or an “honest man” (as Macbeth was before the play began).

Then, of course, we have "black king." Black is a color frequently associated with sin, darkness, etc., and thus Macbeth could be seen as a "black king" himself: someone who has done great wrongs to reach his position of power. He’s turned into that “black king” by Lady Macbeth. Nate, meanwhile, is called the "black" chess king. He is metaphorically “corrupted”—arguably, by Sophie and the crew. (Of course, in Nate’s case, the “corruption” is a good thing and leads him to become a better person. But the parallel itself still stands.)

Chess is about strategy, manipulation, and cleverness. Sophie and Lady Macbeth are both very good at manipulating people into doing what they want them to for power's sake. Nate is often referred to as the master chess player, where "chess" is the metaphor for cons. Yet realistically, Sophie is the best at playing "chess" with people. Not to mention that the king is, in many ways, not a powerful piece. It can only move one square at a time, and if it's captured, its side loses. The queen is the most powerful piece on the chessboard. And here's Sophie, referring to Nate as a chess piece.

(There's something to be said here about how Sophie manipulates Nate both for his own good but also to her advantage, specifically in The First David Job and The Second David Job. But for the sake of keeping this meta at a reasonable length, I’ll leave it for now.)

"But Synapse!" I hear you cry. "Sophie's really bad at the Lady Macbeth speech in the first episode, but she's fantastic in the last one! If she became a better person, wouldn't it be the other way around?"

Fair point, friend, and it's something I've been trying to figure out myself. Here's my proposal:

I'm not an actor, but from what I understand, acting requires you to deeply empathize with your character. Conning isn't dissimilar, but in a way, Sophie knows that when she cons, it is not her. She's hiding everything she is for the sake of deception.

Regular acting, on the other hand, requires you to be exposed about yourself and who you are. You have to be willing to be vulnerable for your audience. And Sophie truly does not know how to be vulnerable, or indeed who she is at all. Of all the characters on Leverage, she's always been the most mysterious about her past and her true depths.

In The Nigerian Job, Sophie claims she's gone to a civilian life and dropped her grifting. She's questioning the very thing that she loves to do, uncertain of herself and where she's going with her life. Her ambition and drive have been, if not lost, undermined. We know that Sophie is a paradoxically compassionate and maternal person just as much as she is a master of the con. When she joins up with the crew, she near-immediately falls into a momfriend role to Parker, Hardison, and Eliot, and she’s an exceptional teacher.

Perhaps she struggles to find kinship in Lady Macbeth's motivation in that first episode. She can't act what she doesn't understand. Plus, she has no outlet for the side of her that desperately wants to do good, and maybe that’s showing through in her inability to embrace being bad.

But in The Long Goodbye Job, Sophie aces her performance when she's doing it for a con. Yet at that time she is arguably far less like Lady Macbeth than she is in the first episode. So what changes? What about the con makes it so much easier?

I'd say it's a few things. Firstly, Sophie's newfound stability. She knows who she is, and she knows that she is not Lady Macbeth. Her desire to teach and support others has a) been discovered and b) is being fulfilled. She's found that her love for manipulation is most satisfying when directed at people who are maliciously uncaring and contradictory to her own morals. Thus, the ways her personality overlaps with Lady Macbeth's can't be destabilized by Sophie's internal war over how much she really is like Lady Macbeth. She knows who she is, and she knows what parts of Lady Macbeth she can relate to and what parts she has to truly act out.

Moreover, she's acting for a con: she knows the character she's playing does not truly represent herself. Her mask is complete, rather than requiring pieces of herself to be exposed.

Compare Sophie's performance in The Nigerian Job to the part of Lady Macbeth's soliloquy she's attempting to recite (yes, I'll explain the bits of the soliloquy that I reference, don't worry):

"Sophie: Come, you spirits that tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here, and fill me from the crown to the toe top-full of direst! Make thick my blood;

Sophie: Stop up the access and passage to remorse, that no… (she hesitates and restarts her line) That no compunctious visitings of nature"

(transcript)

Versus the original soliloquy:

"Come, you spirits That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here, And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood, Stop up th’ access and passage to remorse, That no compunctious visitings of nature Shake my fell purpose, nor keep peace between Th’ effect and it! Come to my woman’s breasts, And take my milk for gall, your murd’ring ministers, Wherever in your sightless substances You wait on nature’s mischief!"

(Macbeth, Act I, Scene V, lines 45-55; I’ve bolded the lines Sophie recites)

Note where Sophie trips up: she loses the word "cruelty" from "of direst cruelty" first, and then she hesitates on the lines "stop up the access and passage to remorse / that no compunctious visitings of nature / shake my fell purpose". If the latter line is gobbledygook to you, it basically means "stop me from feeling guilty so my guilt can't get in the way of my awful plans."

So where is Sophie hesitating? On the maliciousness of Lady Macbeth, and on her desire to feel no remorse. And what do we know about Sophie? That she is a) still inherently kind, and b) that she does feel remorse for the pain she's caused—or at least that she learns to feel it over the course of the show.

By the way, it's interesting that Lady Macbeth's bit about "take my milk for gall" is excluded too, because it's sort of like her saying "turn any motherly feelings/kindness I feel into cruelty." Compare that against Sophie's maternal attitude. It's probably not massively significant, given that there wasn’t a need for more than a couple lines for the writing of the show, but I find it interesting.

Now, compare this to Sophie's performance in The Long Goodbye Job:

"Sophie (wonderfully): Come, you spirits that tend on mortal thoughts, fill me from the crown to the toe, top-full of direst cruelty. Make thick my blood. Stop up the access and passage to remorse."

(transcript)

She's completely on-point. I'd say this is both because she's doing it for a con and doesn't feel internal conflict over it, but also because the marks deserve no mercy. The Black Book is full of people who have done awful things in the name of greed. Why should she feel guilt over dethroning them?

TL;DR: Sophie plays a character who simultaneously parallels and contradicts her. Lady Macbeth is manipulative and ambitious, much like Sophie, but also cruel and malicious, which is not very Sophie-like. Yet Lady Macbeth does eventually go crazy from guilt and remorse—and Sophie also has to learn how to deal with her guilt.

This is why Sophie struggles so much in her first performance: she’s questioning her identity in relationship to her similarities with Lady Macbeth. At the end, however, she’s become confident in who she is. She’s also learned to use her skills to destroy those who take advantage of their power to hurt others, rather than good men like King Duncan.

In fact, she’s dethroning people who are greedy for power… people who are not so dissimilar to Macbeth and Lady Macbeth themselves. Sophie has become their antithesis.

Damn, but this show is good.

#leverage #leverage meta #sophie devereaux #macbeth #shakespeare #suicide mention #so apparently SOMEONE in the writers’ room was a Shakespeare fan #also they pulled Gina Bellman partly because she IS a trained Shakespeare actress #and according to the commentaries only a trained Shakespeare actor #can mangle Shakespeare THAT BADLY #because you have to know what you're doing in order to MAKE IT bad #which I find mildly hilarious #anyway don't worry if you don't get Shakespeare #because like. holy shit sometimes it takes a lot of mental legwork to get your head around it #buuut the further I get in the more I understand why his work's so beloved #(and yes. a shockingly large chunk of it is dirty jokes) #(trust me the whole thing about his stuff being So High Brow is bullshit) #and it makes COMPLETE AND TOTAL SENSE #that it would be the Leverage writers of all people who'd be into that #because there's a lot of similarity between how Shakespeare's characters function #and how the way they act and talk reflects their motivations and who they are #to the way the Leverage crew is written and acted #*shrug* I just think it's Neat okay #anyway! now I need to go write actual essays #oh joy. *sigh* #wish me luck

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

I think when the guys have basically been writing their own RPF literally since the beginning of their career it's ok

#saturday mv the thing that you are... #mostly I was thinking about the ybc bc that's like a full on au fanfic an angsty high school freshman would write #but saturday mv is like. was that their FIRST music video? who does that!!! it is basically weird metaphorical fanfiction!!! #self recognition through the other/murder-suicide/red string of fate soulmatism/whatever the heck that was #I can't stand it bc the camera cuts annoy the heck out of me but the very brief narrative and implications thereof are just ??? #yeah I'm saying this on main with my whole chest it came to me in a vision mid conversation and made me laugh. it's fine I'm fine #everything is fine #Lu rambles #fob #this is about 40% a joke and 60% my genuine thoughts on the matter #so long as you aren't like tagging the actual people in your weird stuff do whatever 👍

[cinnamon-phrog]

A mutual reblogged a pr*ship post and their dni is now neutral. Unfallowed. Bolcked.

#see if i joke i don't CHOKE. on my tears. because this just keeps happening #i'm so scared to interact with mutuals for this exact reason #most i've made have either left me. became toxic over minor differences or become a degenerate. #which is sad because i really enjoyed this friend and all those friends before they or i cut ties #but this kind of shit is unforgivable to me. i've had bad experiences with a friend turning out to be a pr*shipper #everyone flocked to me to fix their traumas but i had talked to that person often. it hurt a lot. they harassed people who harassed them #i was only 15. and i was threatened but what the hell is a sheltered kid SUPPOSED to do back. i wasn't taught shit #people in their fucking 20's were trauma dumping to me in dms and sadly still go to me when they catch wind of this person- #'i need support' you need to get offline. please. just block and ignore. i'm tired. #i should not have had to be babysitting adults and older teens when i didn't know what half those words were at the time. #months ago i did something stupid when i was at my limit and mirrored the pettiness i saw. i was told i would drive someone to suicide. #over saying the person was a bit mean and bringing up some posts i thought they made #i did apologise when i got it wrong. but got threatened with the person possibly killing themselves in my inbox. #this person and the pr*ship person were famously at eachothers' throats #i do not stand by the pr*ship persons' actions. their opinions on the other person were honestly right though. the only thing i agree with. #once again i complain about proshits and gatekeeps. the two are almost as bad as eachother to me #or at least two awful sides that have affected me and my ability to make friends online. #so that's what this remined me of.

[evermoredeluxe]

sorry for putting this on you..what do i do if i want to kill my self. there’s no joy or anything in my life. i can’t see a future. every single hour is so hard. i am housebound due to other mental illnesses. i can’t do anything i can barely eat or breathe without a panic attack. i need to go..how do i end it painlessly…

anon im so sorry you’re feeling this pain right now. my actual genuine advice to you is to look forward to the smallest thing ever and be like “i need to be here to experience it.” it can be a movie, an album, a show, a book, a birthday, whatever you want! and if you aren’t looking forward to anything, then force yourself to be excited, convince your brain that you are! cry if you have to to let the things heaving you down out. im happy to talk to you (you can even dm me or send more anons), and i know it’s very hard to share stuff with a real person in your life, but try it. contact someone you trust whenever you feel a panic attack coming.

i genuinely believe that pain can’t be forever, and it’s the worse things can happen to a person and it can feel like everything and everyone is against you, but if you are just brave enough to power through, then it’s never not okay. it will always turn around.

#i usually never share kinda stuff about myself #but one of the reasons i joke that im dependent on taylor is because she's a part of things i look forward to #album releases and then every week i used to look forward to the livestream #and then look forward to my shows #then look forward to what she’ll do next #suicide tw #anonymous #replies

[carefulfears]

the deadalive era is so good because it’s just scully having lived her literal entire worst nightmare. feeling more like a failure (a disappointment) than she ever has. she’s failing as a mother (is her child safe even inside her body? where’s his father?). she’s failing as a partner (she can’t be him, she can’t find him, she’s “just not capable”). she’s failing as the war widow she was bred to be (her mother could’ve done it). she’s alone and she’s planning a funeral and decorating a nursery at the same time and she’s praying, and praying, and praying. and then mulder’s suicidal ass resurrects from the dead just mad as hell

#i wanted to tweet this but i also wanted more than 280 characters #txf.txt #deadalive #scully looks a suicidal man in the eye and tells him he’s her answered prayer etc etc #in ‘three words’ the way she just CRIES and whispers his name when he’s so shut down and will not acknowledge it. stays with me so much #i think what i love so much about this season is that there is no respite. there is no magical moment where everything is okay. #the first thing we see when mulder’s awake and healed are flashbacks to what happened to him. his scars. his awkward jokes that don’t land. #there’s no pretending that all that matters is being alive and coming home to someone. it matters that living is hard too

[liquidstar]

I'm glad the "Satire requires a clarity of purpose and target lest it be mistaken for and contribute to that which it intends to criticize" meme is getting critiqued in its usage because... While the sentiment itself is absolutely true... I feel like sometimes, perhaps, it's not a work of fiction's fault that you're personally bad at picking up on satire

#im thinking about how i saw a person say futurama is bad because bad things still exist in the future #and its like. thats the point though? #the joke is literally the idea that if we never learn and grow from these problems as a society these are the hyperbolic extremes #that they would come to etc etc #do i think it was all well handled? probably not. it had a 14 year run im sure it fumbled lots of stuff and has shit that doesnt hold up #but i feel like dismissing it entirely based on just- #''but bad stuff happens. and i want the future to be better so this bums me out'' is just dumb LOL like thats literally the point #theyre taking the problems of today and making them into crazy hyperbolic extremes to mock them THATS WHAT SATIRE IS #there is a clarity of purpose youre just bad at picking up on it. NIXON WAS THE FUCKING PRESIDENT IN THAT SHOW FOR CHRIST SAKE #WHAT ELSE DO YOU THINK ''AMERICA'S FAVORITE SUICIDE BOOTH SINCE ****2008****'' COULD MEAN? #idk. this site is bad media literacy r us why take it seriously. but i am. bc its frustrating #bc that quote on its own is sooooo good at explaining why some ''satire'' is bad and doesnt work #but ppl who dont know how to engage w media beyond a surface level have taken it and turned it into like #''this is bad bc i didnt get it'' ok. sounds like a you problem. #but posting this is scary bc im afraid itll be used for the other extreme .-.

[cityoftheangelllls]

Last night I accidentally came across an uncensored GIF of Ronnie McNutt’s s**c*de.

I need to be wrapped like a burrito and snuggled ASAP.

#It was this Wikipedia parody page #And this gif was the HEADER IMAGE. the VERY FIRST thing you see when you open the page #Plus the article said that Ronnie was an “emo f-slur” and “pathetic loser” and all sorts of other horrible things #just FUCK YOU. FUCK. YOU. #As if it weren’t enough that this man’s suffering and death have been joked about and memed so many times #I wasn’t traumatized exactly but definitely shocked #Anyways rest in peace Ronnie #I’m sorry you couldn’t find peace in this fucked up world #Also PLEASE DO NOT MAKE MY MISTAKE AND GO TO THIS PAGE IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO GORE AND BLOOD!! #Tw suicide #Tw suicide mention #tw blood #tw gore #just to be safe #random thoughts from Angie

[eeunwoo]

.

#hii.. im still not really here a lot re kpop its just not really like the most important thing in my life rn lol #but uh i guess my dog's passing is something i gotta deal on my own entirely. my mom seems pretty much over it without really taking me int #account at all. today shes even sorta like. making odd comments/jokes about it like 'i talk to toto sometimes' because we say this #weird lady on tv talking ab how she talks to deer heads. and i just stared at my mom like deadpan and just looked away #bc what the fuck. and ofc she wouldnt consider its not an ok thing to say . otherwise shes really like trying to make out that im being a #really good kid and taking care of her and her feelings bc shes inventing things in her head about me being extra nice and careful with her #shes like awww youre taking care of me <3 and im like no im actually treating you like you're a total stranger in my house because you #basically are. and anyway. im basically on my own like i always am. i just have to deal with it all alone. as always. which is like fine #its just im extra lonely and alone so <3 ive also been suicidal and really really on the edge. that's your alex update if anyone cares #to be completely honest it's been taking everything in me not to just od right now its all i can think about and i havent felt like it in #years. ive just been sleeping for 12 hours at a time lmao........ anyway yeah thats it? #mrow.org

[radlegowaffle]

【please do not reupload!】

her sanity is either going to slowly deteriorate throughout the episodes or she'll come out of this okay

#the amazing digital circus #tadc #tadc pomni #tadc fanart #the amazing digital circus fanart #dooblenauts #my art #artists on tumblr #illustration #more like a doodle really but #i realized a lot of things about myself #and one being that i like jester character designs a lot #this series is a lot cooler than i expected it to be #i think i remember seeing something about it having 'dark humor' and was like #'oh great its gonna have suicide jokes and dick jokes and sex jokes constantly' #im so glad it wasnt that #the animation is also really cool #only the pilot is out but im so excited for this #may draw something with more effort later #just wanted to get something out

[rachelcommitscrimes]

crazy how you think mental illness is funny 😨

people who are mentally ill usually find coping skills in humor. hope this helps!

#sorry but who the fuck are you to say this shit #you don’t know a goddamn thing about my life to patrol what i can and can’t joke about #i did not attempt suicide out of desperation just to be told some crap like this #i don’t know who you are but i’ll fucking do it again to spite you try me bitch i’ll do it

[gibbearish]

so like i want to talk more abt what suicidal means but the problem is "suicidal ideation presents in two general forms, active and passive. the thing most people think of as suicidal is the active version, where the person *actively* desires to be dead and/or is making a plan to get there. the passive form however gets almost no attention in media so many people experiencing it are unaware they are even depressed, much less passively suicidal. some examples: not wanting to experience death but feeling like you wouldn't mind if you didn't wake up tomorrow or just stopped existing; feeling deeply exhausted with just the entire concept of being alive; even feeling like you want to run away, change your name, and start a whole new life; none of these look like suicidal ideation to most people because they don't involve actively doing anything to get from point a to point b, especially the more abstract ones like the start a new life thing - but remember that in order to truly start a whole new life, you have to destroy your current one. it's not suicidal as in wanting to actually DIE die, it's just. wanting something close enough to scratch the itch. but just because you haven't booked the ticket doesn't mean you don't still revisit the 'vacation activities at point b' tab occasionally to daydream, yknow?" is i think very informative and specific, but its also quite long and run on-y so people are v likely to tap out like a third of the way through it, whereas "suicidal doesnt necessarily mean wanting to die" is way shorter and therefore catchier, but is also the kind of nonspecific phrasing that gets you a thousand angry anons about how you said all suicidal people are just pretending they actually want to die or some dumb shit. so it's a fun line to toe

#especially when youre far too lazy to dig up sources however if u google passive suicidal theres a lot of info #pretty front and center altho you will get jumpscared by the size 1000 font suicide hotline number #or maybe you wont but i sure was. why was it so big #in this house we simply post both as part of another hashtag relatable post in the hopes that the two for one bargain #will entice viewers to read the whole thing and go 'wait but /i/ feel like that what do you mean' #and then make a meta joke about it in the tags so the viewers think we're hip and cool #nah but seriously i see ppl not knowing abt this . so much and every time im like !!!!!!! no youre not crazy youre not supposed #to feel like this!!!! #so its one of the things where im like nah idc if im being annoying abt this as long as i hit the one (1) todays lucky 10000 who needs it #this one i dont remember seeing on any articles but id like to propose also that having trouble imagining your future can count too #and like obviously all of these have exceptions right like. ppl can just want to start a whole new life for non suicidal reasons #but if theres a pattern of these things or you find yourself being drawn back to one over and over again thats #when you should start being like ok somethings afoot #like the imagining ur future one you could easily have trouble visualizing things or even just Not Be Especially Imaginative #...or... it could be that deep down you dont feel like you /have/ one so your brain just. steers away from the subject entirely #and ykno. knowing which one it is is usually pretty helpful LOL #anyways. sorry theres no paragraph breaks i could not for the life of me figure out a good spot for them #/suicide #/suicide mention #/suicidal ideation #/depression #/death mention #and of course i think also like a lot of things this is more of a spectrum than a binary like obviously 'run away and #start a new life' is def a bit less active than 'id be ok w it if i didnt wake up tomorrow' but theyre still both on the lassive side #passive* #eugh im rambling now and not even in the slightly contained way the post itself is #im hitting post without rereading for the 40th time otherwise ill remember another tangent so if theres #any errors left my apologies

[qvietspvce]

i cannot begin to overstate how much being stuck in a body that i tried so hard to love but couldn't because it wasn't the "right" body was killing me. and i do mean that in a literal sense.

i spend well over 10 years of my life starving myself to near death at points because my body didn't feel like my body and i didn't know what else to do to "fix" it.

i have multiple suicide attempts in my medical file because i couldn't bear the thought of living in my body. my first attempt was at 16. my last attempt was at 26. i have a very dark anniversary this month from where i very nearly succeeded at 18. and again at 24.

i have lived with suicidal ideation since i was 14 (when i first became aware that the body i was growing into was going through oestrogen-based puberty). living with that voice that tells you to just kill yourself all the time is exhausting. i do not wish it on anyone.

therapy and anti-depressants only got me so far but starting testosterone saved my fucking life. being on the waitlist for the welsh gender clinic saved my life.

gender affirming care is life saving. or at least it has been in my experience. so fuck anyone and everyone who bangs on about the irreversible changes or "damage" hrt does to someone.

being dead at 16, at 18, at 20, at 22, at 24 and at 26 is irreversible too.

#tw suicidal ideation mention #tw eating disorder mention #i'm at a place now where i can joke that i'm unkillable - god knows i tried hard enough! #also yes i have a thing about even numbers #i wasn't allowed to attempt on years when i had a birthday on an 'odd' year