#there's something in my head that just thinks they're perpetually in their 20s and that's just not how it actually is | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ddejavvu · 1 year

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Mei!! You’re one of my fav writers!

Can you do a fratboy!Hotch x reader with the typical date to bet trope but then he sees reader on a case with the BAU years later and tries to get reader back??

thank you so much!!! i liked this request sm actually this was so neat <3

"Excuse me," A voice calls from behind you, deep and stern, "Are you Y/N Y/L/N?"

You turn at the counter, meeting the eyes of a man that looks eerily familiar. His dark hair matches his eyes, equally inky black. His nose is sharp, his brows set in a perpetual frown- that wasn't there 20 years ago. All at once his younger self floods back to you in memories you'd rather forget, and your chest tightens at the sight of Aaron Hotchner standing in front of you.

"I am," You nod once, "How may I help you?"

He seems just as floored by the sight of you as you are of him. Evidently, he hadn't remembered your name, not that you're surprised. He falls silent, eyes flooded with nostalgia, and his partner, a broad-shouldered man steps in when he doesn't.

"Uh, I'm Agent Derek Morgan with the FBI, and this is Agent Hotchner. we're looking for this man." He slides a photo over the counter of your cafe, a man you recognize having spoken to only hours prior, "Have you seen him?"

"I have," You nod, keeping your eyes firmly and pointedly off of Aaron, "He came in a few hours ago. He was- weird. He kept asking if he could make his own coffee. Like- come behind the counter and do it himself. He said no one else could make it right."

"What did he do when you refused?" Aaron pipes back up, and you study the picture instead of meeting his eyes.

"He knocked that table over," You point to the now right-side-up table, "It had some woman's drink on it, and a baby's bottle. And of course he didn't offer to mop up the spills. He just stormed out."

Agent Morgan nods, solemnity written on his face, "Alright, thank you for the information. Is there any chance we could get a look at your security cameras?"

"Of course," You step aside to let them pass, something you'd been asked to do twice in one day, and they file behind the counter towards the kitchen.

"They're behind the stoves," You call as Agent Morgan parts the curtain, "And one door past the bathroom!"

"Thank you," Agent Morgan calls, already headed for the room. Agent Hotchner lingers, and your stomach drops.

"Y/N," He calls cautiously, "Do you recognize me? We've met before."

"We've more than met," You scoff, "I don't think I could forget you if I tried, Aaron."

He tries taking it as a joke, rolling with the gut punch you've given him, "I wasn't sure. I've aged poorly, at least since we've last seen each other."

"You'd think I'd be the one stuck with frown lines," You grumble, flicking a crumb of what was probably a blueberry muffin off of the counter while avoiding his eyes.

"I'm glad you're not." Aaron murmurs, speaking to your back, "Y/N, I'm sorry for the way I treated you back then. I'm- a different person now. I was irresponsible and self-centered in college, and I'm sorry that you fell victim to that."

"I'm sure you wouldn't make the same mistake twice," You hum, noting that the pressed suits and neat hair are far different from the man you'd known in your Youth, "But I don't think I'd give you the chance to this time around."

He pauses, and you hear Agent Morgan in the back room, fiddling with your camera system. Finally he nods, you see it in your peripheral vision, "I understand. Um- thank you, for your help on this case. We're a lot closer to catching him with the footage I'm sure your cameras caught."

"I'm glad," You nod, "He was an asshole. Trust me, I've met a few before."

The comment stings like a whip, burning his cheeks and stabbing at his chest. He deserves it, or maybe past Aaron deserves it, but he wasn't lying. He's different now.

"You have. And I'm sorry. Really, I- I wish I could go back in time. And not take that money. And not make that bet. You were worth far more than money, and you still are."

"I appreciate your apology," You admit, finally glancing him in the eye. It's only for a split second, then Agent Morgan re-emerges, "I never thought I'd get one."

"Me either," Aaron breathes, and you watch Agent Morgan's eyes flicker between the two of you, "Well, um, thank you. For your help. It was nice to see you again, Y/N."

"I was happy to help. It was... nice. To see you too, Aaron. Agent Morgan," You nod at the man, who's studying you like a textbook, "I hope you can use the footage."

"It's perfect," He smiles, digging through his pocket and dropping a rumpled $20 into your tip jar, "Excellent service."

"Ah, thank you," You laugh, leaning against the counter as they make their way out towards the door, "FBI Agents eat free, if you find this guy anytime soon."

"Much appreciated," Agent Morgan grins, waving goodbye as Aaron smiles. It's real, genuine, and something you thought you'd never see again, if the ones you'd seen in your youth even were real or genuine.

"So," Morgan drawls as soon as the doors to the coffee shop shut, "You two know each other?"

"We met in law school." Aaron hums, tone clipped. When Morgan doesn't respond, Aaron admits gruffly, "We went out on a few dates."

"No way!" Morgan whoops, clapping Hotch on the back, "An old flame! Hey, Hotch, you gotta get her back! She said we eat free, head over tomorrow for breakfast."

"She's not interested," Hotch shakes his head, "She wouldn't be. Things ended... poorly."

"Aw, it's nothing you can't fix," Derek reasons, "Twenty years later? Hotch, I'm telling you, you gotta go see her. I'll bet you twenty bucks you can get a date with her first try."

Aaron tastes the bitter, metallic blood that coats his tongue from the puncture in his cheek. He stops dead in his tracks, hearing the ghost of his frat brothers in Derek's ill-timed statement.

"Hotch?" Morgan realizes he's stopped walking, glancing back at his Unit Chief with a frown, "You okay?"

Aaron takes one, two, three deep breaths, then buries his self-loathing deep inside, where it's lived for years and only recently bubbled back up to the surface.

"Don't say that." He orders, tone sharp and leaving no room for argument, "Stop. I don't want to talk about it anymore."

This time it's Morgan that stands frozen, dumbfounded, while Hotch powers on down the sidewalk. He reaches the SUV, storming to the driver's side door and slamming it behind him so hard that the car rocks.

"Jesus," Derek mumbles below his breath, "Garcia, you're gonna have a lot of digging on your plate to figure this one out."

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madameminor · 1 year

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WHY I DON'T LIKE TECH x PHEE: An unintentional essay

Alright, yall, I've figured it out on my end. I think. I just need to get some of this out so that I can move past it. I'm not even gonna tag it under tech x phee, cause you know what, I don't want to harsh the mellow over in that space, I'm just voicing what I've discovered.

This is long.

Wanda Sykes: I LOOOOOVE Wanda Sykes, love her - love her so much that I can't see anyone else with her voice. A 60 year old lesbian comedian... and you want to make her a 20 something pirate captain flirting with a male cl- no. No. Capital N. O. Like, I thought she and Rhea Perlman were going to be a fun comedic, older duo playing off of each other. Or that they'd have some sort of sassy relationship. But instead she's a coy, fun adventurer who starts to join in TBB family? Nope. No. Didn't sell it for me. Gimme someone else, might have worked. Try Anika Noni Rose, or if you need that star factor, Halle Barry or Beyonce or, for fucks sake LIZZO (can you imagine her beautiful voice as Phee? OOOO I just shivered. Loved her as the Duchess, but her as Phee! Instantly WAAAAY more excited about that character.) Not Wanda Fucking Sykes (like I said, LOVE her. But no. Choices.)

The Build Up: You guys. We are all literally writers. Where were the beats? Where were the moments? You naturally want there to be a moment the audience goes 'ooooooh yeah ok I see it'. IT HAPPENED WITH HUNTER. The next day I remember quite a few of us going 'OMG YES!!! Yes, totally ship that, saw the chemistry with Phee and Hunter! Into iiiiit.' I resisted that one too, cause of the Wanda Sykes thing, but you know what? IT. WORKED. I went with it cause it worked. Was actually kind of excited. Was looking forward to the fics. Did not happen once with Tech, never saw anyone go 'oh look at that chemistry between pirate and genius'. NOPE BTW SUDDENLY THEY'RE ALL TEASING TECH AND TECH AND PHEE ARE IN A SCENE AND THIS IS ALL ABOUT THESE TWO TAH DAAAAH! No. Nope. Not how it works. Feels like my favorite is getting the shitty end of the romance arc stick. Fuck off, no. We have all written better.

Toxic Matchup: The way Phee (see dude, I almost wrote Wanda. Thats how much I can't not see her in this character) treats Tech. One of my mutuals on here, @shadestepping, put it perfectly - "It’s because instead of understanding who tech is as a person and being respectful of how his mind works, she tries to force him to mask because it’s what she wants/it makes communicating with him easier". The example that keeps popping into my head is when Phee sarcastically says "when two people are talking its called a conversation". My eyebrows shot UP, like, this is one of the FIRST THINGS YOU LEARN about Tech- his face is in his datapad. Treating him like an idiot (which is what it sounds like in Wanda voice) because he is doing what he is always doing is not ok (seriously, WTF, dude?). Another mutual, @dumfanting agreed and shared how that hit them: "As someone whose been forced to mask for her entire life, that is wrong and damaging and perpetuates the idea that we as austitics are only worthy of love if we continue to suppress ourselves." And it really doesn't have to be that way. I can rewrite every scene they are in together, still have her be sassy, have her show interest and respect for who he is, and still move him out of his comfort zone. I will do it, if I need to, just to prove it. If the writers are trying to give her some growth too, cool, then TAKE THE TIME TO DO THAT - instead we only hear how HE's being taken out of his comfort zone. How about HER? You want to be with him? Maybe you have to meet him half way, honey

Ultimately, I could have gotten behind this if it was done another way - but the way they went about it missed so many marks. And for my man, that's unacceptable to me. He deserves the best, not something thrown together.

I have spoken.

(Ok, I think that is out of my system.)

#kind of geek therapy #geek therapy for me #cause expressing thoughts and feelings appropriately are good for me #tbb tech #the bad batch

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pink-strawberry-kissess · 8 months

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hello aeon expert. we know that leons parents are dead, but as far as i know we don't know anything about adas family. what's your headcannons for her family if you think she has any at all? and if she does what're their thoughts on a certain handsome american agent adas married?

HELLO :DDD

ALSO OMG SJBKFSJ i am NOT an aeon expert skbfskjfdskj

there's a collective idea of hcs for ada and while i agree with some, some i don't see as realistic but that's the whole thing about hc! some people relate to more than others and since her backstory is a mystery, everyone can kinda go with what they want!

for her family specifically there's a fake story that she tells leon at some point but it's just on the fan wiki so i don't really wanna use that as any basis for what a fake story would be like

i don't like the idea of her being trafficked (a lot of people hc this but i don't think this is necessary for her story) but i see her having a rough childhood, be it her family was murdered or that she lost her house and family to a fire. something about fire seems like it's tied to her.

some people like the whole black widow route where she was taken into some school and taught how to fight and kill. i see her not really killing until she's in her 20s tbh. some people think of her killing when she's like 11 but i feel like that would contribute to her psychology more if she did kill that young.

there's also theories about her ethnicity since she may be mixed, chinese/vietnamese and or half white. i moreso subscribe to her being fully chinese or at least east asian with primarily chinese as her heritage. (i know that one video with ink ribbon perpetuated this idea that she's half white, but i've NEVER found a source on that.)

i also did a poll before! and the consensus was actually that ada speaks both mandarin and cantonese!

i like this better tbh so readers can relate more if they understand one or the other language or both!

i also did this other poll if ada remembers her birthday or not and i think it's leaning more towards her remembering but not celebrating.

where as i kinda lean towards her not remembering! but i can see her even maybe remembering the general day but it'll happen and she'll be alone :((( and she just goes throughout her day. maybe she'll take the time to go see leon if the timeline allows.

i'm thinking re5-re6 era, i see her maybe visiting leon on her birthdays and not telling him. maybe he asks her eventually.

i don't see ada visiting her parents graves. if they did die in a fire/murdered. i see them maybe buried somewhere in china but she wouldn't go to visit that often if at all. she wouldn't want the family tie to her.

i also think of her having disjointed memories of her parents. i do see them maybe being on the richer side, but losing it all. i see her having happy memories but they slowly slip away from her by the time she's in her 30s. i see certain smells and sounds let her remember her parents better. i see many some uncles or aunties. maybe even a sibling. but i also see her as an only child. but it's also because she was born in 1974 in china, and depending on where she was born and the laws at the time, she might have only be a only child (since she was a girl)

i see her having long hair at first and being forced to cut it short. (THIS LEADS INTO HER IF SHE HAS KIDS AND LETS HER GIRLS HAVE LONG HAIR, IT MAKES HER SO HAPPY BECAUSE HER GIRLS ARE SAFE)

okay anyways uhh yeah i have a lot of things about ada. i dunno. they're all in my head sjkbfsjd

#ask heart #leon x ada #aeon #leon kennedy #leon s kennedy #ada wong #leon kennedy x ada wong #heart answers #leon s kennedy x ada wong #anon

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compo67 · 6 months

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12, 15, 18, 20 for the AO3 Wrapped asks? (I always want to know more about your WIPs and future fics by the way!)

Hi hi hi, anon! :D Thank you so much for the ask on this one. I love the AO3 wrapped concept. I have so many ideas for future fics! So glad that you are interested in knowing them. <3

12. How many WIP’s do you have in your docs for next year?

You may not believe this, but I only have 2 WIPs for next year as of this moment. I have "Power of Two" (Photo Op 4) and "Model of the Solar System." I have been trying really, really hard not to start more than I can handle. Do I have ideas? Plenty. But I only have two current WIPs to start off 2024.

15. What WIP are you taking into next year with you?

Just the two, which is so rare for me. But I guess TCV is one big ongoing WIP as well. So maybe that makes it three?

18. The character that gave you the most trouble writing this year?

Jared from "Rest and Restore." It was super difficult to write him because he had to be going through the grief of his divorce, but without coming off as annoyingly whiny. There's this fine line between "I'm letting off steam and going through something" and "I'm just wallowing/whining." He had to be fresh from his divorce but removed from it, too. It was a thing I worked really hard to balance.

20. Which work of yours have you reread the most?

This year it's been all about "Minutes Past Midnight." It's such a comforting place to be. I really want to live in Jared's yurt for a week and just experience what it must be like to live in the great wide wilderness. Of course, it wouldn't hurt if I had a Jensen there, too.

Tagging on...

I will say that I constantly have ideas in my head that might become WIPs. Like Back Pocket 3. Minutes Past Midnight 2. A continuation of Rest and Restore.

A new idea about J2 being pretending to be bachelors in the late 1800s, but they're really a couple and it's their first winter out on the prairie. I'm basing that idea off of Laura Ingalls Wilder's writing. I just love her stuff, I used to read her a lot what I was a kid.

Another idea for the Palo Alto verse where Dean, while at work in the library as a security guard, encounters a pretty nasty spirit. He has to call in back up--Sam. She shows up and kicks ass, despite not hunting in a while.

I'm also thinking about Punzel and what I need to do to move forward in that verse. I would love to start a proper sequel to it, not just a timestamp. And I think we are there? Or maybe almost? But I need to finish other projects first.

And of course, there's Photo Op 4, which I'll carry with me into 2024. We need these boys married!

Model of the Solar System is also perpetually on my mind. I'm still worldbuilding after all these years. I just still need to figure out the end, which is easier said than done.

I also have a J2 time travel fic that's at some 30,000 words on Patreon. But I got stuck while writing it and the pandemic happened, then I got caught up in Minutes Past Midnight. I just had to table it. I will finish it one day. I think it's a good fic. I really like Jared in that fic, even though it's from Jensen's POV. And I liked writing in the first person, plus the use of photography in that fic.

So that's a preview of what I roll around in my head on a daily basis, anon! I hope you enjoyed the peek. :)

#cal answers #long post

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brightgnosis · 9 months

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I was thinking about it last night while I was starting to fall asleep. And I think I honestly initially started to feel so much better when I muted the multiple people in my DMs who are chronically negative and overdramatic; I think that helped a lot in initially helping me to calm down and even start to focus on all of the stuff that was actually stressing me out, and allowed me to buckle down and deal with it even though it felt like the sky was falling- rather than constantly being drug into their spirals of mostly petty and irrelevant nonsense.

It felt like the nonsense with her all over again ... The time when I asked for a little space from her because I was depressed, and she bothered me so much, so consistently, despite me telling her to go away numerous times, that she wound up stressing me out so badly it triggered a relapse in a particular eating disorder I hadn't relapsed with since I was in my late teens / early 20's; it was that same exact kind of emotional "panicked Rat backed into a dirty corner they can't get out of" kind of feeling, and I hate that.

At this point I genuinely don't know what it is about me that makes people think I am the eternal dumping ground for every single negative complaint they're capable of having ... I truly don't. But the second I figure out what trait about me it is that turns that flashing neon sign on above my head for everyone, I'm ripping it out of myself and tossing it in the bin for good.

I get needing to vent. I get needing to get it out before you explode. I do that, too, because it's a very normal Human need. But I definitely do not have the mental disposition to handle the kinds of people where every single interaction with them is just ... Always some kind of a negative complaint, or some kind of petty bitch about something; the kind of people who are literally completely incapable of being happy for even 5 seconds whenever something nice actually dose come along for them; people who can't take even the slightest break from the anger, and are constantly just embroiled in hatred, pettiness, and drama like that.

I can't do it ... Like … I spent decades of my life being that exact kind of constantly negative, overdramatic, and hateful person. And then I spent another decade of my life crawling, biting, tearing, and fighting my way out of that damned hole; getting the treatment I needed, opening my eyes to the beauty of the world, and finding reasons to live better, and avoid the kind of perpetual hatred and drama spiral.

And yeah life still sucks a lot sometimes ... Yeah, I still get angry a lot because I still have various conditions and never actually learned real anger management skills because of how I grew up (that's going to be a lifelong process for me now) ... Yeah, I still need a proper space to vent that anger so that it doesn't eat me up inside, and I can move on from it (and that's what Tumblr is for me, in part) ... And yeah, sometimes I fuck up and get it wrong (really wrong, sometimes!) ... But I just can’t live like that anymore day in and day out- and I’ve lost all patience for people who do.

I literally can’t imagine being so perpetually miserable with my life like that again- and I won’t let myself be all over again, either. I can't.

#Personal #2023 #Trigger Warning #Alphabet Soup #Depression #Communicating Beautifully #Oklahoma #Keepsakes

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incarnateirony · 1 year

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I do find it funny how few, very very few, people ever truly understood Zenthus. Maybe players back in the original campaigns circa early 2000s until about 2007, that watched him as he became who he was, but the following 15 years was a mix of people just not finding the right answers, or making the right builds, or looking for the right things, or just goddamn not listening.

I ironically ran into it with of all things another GM, because he plays "god" but got ultimately fucking rickrolled without even trying, no spells ever fired, nothing. And then I got "uwuwuuwuwuw Zento was such a manipulator"

I mean, dude, he already turned down one object you offered him you shouldn't. Whether that was pure goodness of intent or paranoia of getting bound by another ring is up to interpretation, but he didn't have to sit there playing shinto priest giving God some fucking therapy on how not to be a shitty person while clarifying the exact nature of his entrapment. You knew he has internal issues of being compelled, you know what he deals with. You brought him in even when he directly disadvised it to your face, and then quite literally handed your supposed "friend's" entire blueprint to the orphic egg they're surviving in, in chaos, with a casual question just because you felt the most moderate pressure from his kid attacking you. That, or you were a lot more put out and scared than letting on of those attacks, cuz, "The blueprints, do you have them?" HERE YOU GO, AND YOUR GIFTED WORLDS WORST DAD MUG

Continued conversation. He is LITERALLY advising god, entirely truthfully, on how to fight his son. Like yes, we raised Kion, this is how he thinks, because this is what we would do, stop impulse reacting, he is doing everything he can to make you react. We literally thrive on making you impulse react and start slipping up. Stop being so confident he's acting from incompetence either, three times in the last two minutes you declared something only to get hit remotely in the godly face to the point of verbal surprise or impress. Stop it. He's targeting your creation because you're hiding, not because he thinks you're there. And he will continue to target your creation until you do something about it.

But the further he got advised on the situation the more freaked god* got and deadass like killed himself to remove himself from the cycle to stop perpetuating this bullshit that set Kion off to begin with and Zento just walks out with everything.

Like. that wasn't even manipulation dude, he was entirely honest with you top to bottom, and even stopped you from the suicide route earlier but when you decided to do it again it's like, fine whatever, okay, genuinely makes my life easier, do you, and he did.

Zento is *dangerous* but he is not, actually, actively manipulative. *Zenthus* is even extremely honest, though that personality IS manipulative. But Zenthus can jack Zento, and you said you understood when the change happened so like. no dude that's just loose lips sink cosmic ships. Zenthus crawling out to yoink the map should be none surprise, Zento even warned you three times three different ways.

That doesn't mean Shea had the right idea either to like, love him better. That also doesn't work, Zenthus still has too much unadulterated control when he wants. Or trying to force my hand into some easy slay arrangement of the bad half for reasons like, no. No we aint doin this.

God's player often talked about God's Cry For Help but would rather be uwu Zento is manipulator because i did a bad than realize, Zenthus' entire existence is Zento's 20+ RL year cry for help nobody's ever card enough about to figure out how to answer, and everyone gets too pissed at Zenthus to address, and everyone loses their shit and doesn't know how to fix it. These folks now aren't even pulling punches, fuck breaking his phyllactery, they're facing his full true self and all his parts and memories and forms and sublords like Zom and Ex head on and tactically, flushing out the pain and insanity driving not just him but compelling men beneath the surface for ages.

And damn has Noiz observed a lot. Like. Khyla actually sat and talked with Zento while everyone talked of him as the irredeemable asshat, which isn't true unto itself. Just like morning tea with a quiet sage with a strange sense of humor before realizing, "oh my god, this guy is playing cat and mouse with his own knowledge and himself".

Len has sat in the serpent's lair more than once now, and even gotten Zento's attention in strange ways, even if mostly through Zenthus masque. Sesh has absolutely broken down what's screwing his kid up so bad to keep everyone straight.

like noiz even learned the speech patterns for them with a QUICKNESS. Like. Nono Zento is the weeb part because he's an eastern dragon, but also has strange leaks of genuine habits, like "Ehhhh" in thought, and other drawls. Zenthus does not allow that staggering, and retains VERY little of Zento's far east influence beyond sort of kidnapping a reflection of him for figure. A few of the speech ticks like "ne/yes?" remain, mostly because elvish mimics that and was recent history. And sometimes they really are in concert together, and that itself has an identifiable tone, as does the Void compelling him at times, or at least the behaviors that rise from him. Noiz broke that shit DOWN. But does not understand how RARE that is.

The GM had even missed it and he knew me for almost the whole damn time. "Oh Zenthus hides Zento well" no the fuck he doesn't, he changes between voice, dialect, tone, has even told you "I have a gnat of my own (in my head)", has switched between addressing his own takes like "It's funny you would say mortals would think that. He DID." about--himself? Bro he aint hiding shit. He tells you again and again and nobody listens to how he communicates even when he literally sits down and has a 2 hour talk advising god, god just. ok i'm die now. He is literally walking around holding a stick with his two halves in front of everyone all the goddamn time what the fuck are you talking about hides Zento well. Noiz had a character talk to him for like 5 minutes and fucking picked it up, why do normal people suck at this

No. he needs to be let go, but he needs to be replaced first. But people need to make sure when he's replaced, Zenthus doesn't hitch a ride on the new vessel. Mythology reasons make it Real Fuckin Bad to delete Zento without a backup plan so it's time to think. and damn noiz been thinking

bro, mads buddy, I love you, but I don't want to hear about God's Unheard Cry For Help While He Openly Insults The People Reaching To Him Or Even Makes Their Lives Worse The Three Times Anyone Tried, in a new plot thread, when this guy has been wearing his shit on his sleeve for ages and nobody listens. He told YOU and you did jack schitt, and even failed to inform your supposed friend you sold out the blueprints of about the fact that you know, you need to have something to replace Zenthus' function if you want reality to be able to observe itself. Do they have one? Yes. It would have been nice for god to tell them that before seppuku, but whatever. Zento's been begging to be heard for almost a quarter century in real life and finally one motherfucker got set on fixing it hell or high water because the player fell in love with Zenthus' son as their favorite blorbo and He Must Be Saved. But not like my ex wife's hackass romance, no. I'm talking busting ass, complex character sheets, math, large scale tactics on orders of operations to neuter him and so on. Your super great god had every chance to listen to someone ELSE'S cry for help and save his own friend but you deuced out under moderate pressure and embarrassment. So yeah I don't wanna hear about babygod's cry for help of his own self entrapment lmaoooo

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ussjellyfish · 1 year

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Ooh! You'll have to excuse my enthusiam becasue I'd love to hear your answers for 💖 (What do you like most about your own writing?),😐 (What embarrasses you most about your own writing?), 😈 (Is there anything you enjoy doing that you think your readers hate?), and *of course* 🖊 (Post a snippet from a current WIP).

I'm going to start with 😐 (What embarrasses you most about your own writing?) because the rest will follow from that I think.

I live in a perpetual state of embarrassment and mild shame that I only write one thing. I am a one trick pony, and even if I've become pretty good at that trick. (perhaps excellent, I do like my ability to do it). (this is sad somewhat sarcastically) I can really only do one thing and it's not a serious thing. It's an embarrassing thing.

I really like to write pregnancy fic. I checked the tags and it's about 20% if I go by number of fics. My long fics (with very small exceptions) are about pregnancy, so really it's like 1.5 million words of my 2.5 million word count. (about 60%) That's embarrassing! So embarrassing. I should write real things that are important. (like plotty dark fic or slow burn and sex).

So I am embarrassed about that often, I'll get a new idea and its inevitably a babyfic idea, but I shouldn't writee it I already have all these babyfics and I should...

but writing is fun and if this is what I want to write, I can let myself be happy. Even if it's embarrassing.

I teach middle school and one of my *very* determined students found my AO3 and he asked me if I felt bad about it and...really it's very tame. It's not something HR would bring me in about. I write pretty vanilla mostly f/f babyfics. So also embarrassing but not really?

😈 (Is there anything you enjoy doing that you think your readers hate?)

I am inevitably writing the *wrong* thing. I've written many different pairings and I kind of go through phases. There's a Stargate Atlantis phase, a Star Trek TNG and Voyager phase, Once Upon a Time phase, Agents of Shield phase, Once Upon a Time again, Star Trek Discovery, Agents of Shield again, and Star Trek Discovery again. (this is where we are now).

Sometimes someone will very politely ask me to write something I haven't written in awhile, and...it's gone. At some point, I really enjoyed that pairing, and now it's just out of my head.

Some readers really hate pregnancy to and I do it a lot. Some people don't want to read about that, which is totally fine!

I was on a discord server where I had to spoil pregnancy and it absolutely was not the intent of the request, but it was such a shame thing. This is bad, you can't talk about it anywhere. Not even the NSFW channels. Most things had a place you could talk abut triggering topics but that one had to be spoiled on the whole server and it just took the fun out of it. I think that's more of a shame than an embarrassment, but they're connected.

I used to write Swan Queen (which is the big pairing in Once Upon a Time) and then I wrote Dragon Queen, which is tiny, and then I had some friends who liked Dragon Outlaw Queeen, and I wrote that, and that was a big thing. That got hate. (not my readers so much but)...that was messy.

I'm getting better at just doing what I want. (My current long fic is a Michael/Laira, so it's a tiny pairing, it's a pregnancy fic, so it's tiny tiny tiny and I love it, so that's what counts.).

💖 (What do you like most about your own writing?)

It made sense to do this one last. I love vulnerability. Frequently, I will see a character and I can't wait to see how she deals with vulnerability. Laira was like that. I was in love with her from the beginning of the season, and then she and Michael where working together, and I kept hoping she'd get injured in the last couple episodes (this was not what it was about and I'm not mad about it, but if it had been Laira gets injured on the bridge I would have been there for it) Episode 10 where she's SO vulnerable emotionally was what made me realize I wanted to write her and Michael, and then @aleksandrachaev wrote them together and damn.

I like exploring vulnerability. Sometimes it's intentional (rare, it's hard to offer to be vulnerable), often it is forced (injuries, illnesses, pregnancy). One of my favorite fics about (former emperor) Philippa, Michael and Tilly has Philippa injured, and balancing how much she cares about Michael and Tilly, how much she hates having them care about her (and actually, they all love each other very much it's just hard to talk about).

I don't know if I'm good at it, but it's what I love the most. Those are the fics of mine I reread. Certain parts of Quantum are my favorites, the fic where Laira's sick on Andoria...little things, and I love them.

(Laira is much easier to look after than Philippa.)

Someone needing to be taken care of and getting it, especially from a village of people who love them is one of my most favorite things about my own writing, and whenever I can do that. I'm happy.

Thank you so much for asking!

fanfic ask game

#fanfic ask game #bits of rillham

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gxrlcinema · 2 years

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bucky boi mentoring a teenager 🤔 I'm thinking thoughts but pls do tell yours ma'am

Omg I feel like Bucky was set up for a plotline like this.

Like, Bucky's this old-timer who only listens to music from the 40's and read the Hobbit when it came out. He's perpetually grumpy and grappling with how he wants to exist in a world where he has the power and skills of an ultimate assassin but doesn't want to be the villain he was forced to be for so many years. Becoming a mentor figure to a young person - maybe one dosed with the serum or some similar power acquisition - would give Bucky an opportunity to work through that and do something positive. And it would create funny hijinks.

I had an OC a while ago based on this idea. Her name was Basia (she went by Baz) and she was essentially HYDRA's response to the fact that Bucky would die one day and it'd be easier to groom a child into being the soldier than it would to try and abduct a full grown adult, especially in the internet age. Somewhere either during or after TFATWS they'd reconnect again to have to take down remnants of HYDRA. It was supposed to thematically center around forgiveness; Baz's of Bucky for his treatment of her as the soldier and both of theirs of themselves for what they were involved with. I put Baz around 17-20, so she's a slightly older teen/young adult.

A couple of random headcanons about Bucky and Baz:

Bucky's definitely the type to tell her that she can't wear something he considers inappropriate, which sparks a rant about feminism and creepy old men policing women's bodies.

Bucky patiently listens to the whole thing before calmly telling her that it's about some vital area of her body being completely exposed to any sort of attack and she needs thicker material.

"But nice speech, kid."

Bucky absolutely calls her "kid", "kiddo", "champ", etc. She pretends to hate it.

She absolutely calls him variations of the name James ("Jimmy", "Jaimie", "Jimbo" etc.). He 100% does hate it.

So many fights about who picks the music when they're in the car. I can either see Baz being really into like, BTS or Olivia Rodrigo or something equally as teen girl-esque, or being sort of an emo kid and subjecting Bucky to the entire Black Parade album. Like, I have such a clear mental image of a shot of Sebastian Stan in the front seat of a car groaning like he'd rather have an anvil dropped on his head than listen to the modern music this teenager screams the words to.

Because Baz was raised by HYDRA, Bucky's the one who taught her to fight. This infuriates her because he can accurately predict a lot of her moves. It also leads to ANGST when in training together again, Bucky realizes that she favors her left arm in fights because she's trying to shield herself from punches from his metal arm.

I thought a lot about violence as sort of Baz's first language, and how it would likely be the one she reverted to when she was experiencing intense emotions. This might involve hitting herself when she fucked something up, physically hitting Bucky when she's mad at him, wanting to spar or train when she's upset, and being very physically stand-offish about affection.

The first time she hugs him is a moment.

I also have a whole scene in my head where Baz attacks Bucky in a fit of rage, and instead of defending himself he just lets her beat him up. It only pisses her off, and she starts screaming at him to fight back.

This continues until she just sort of, sags into his chest, sobbing. And Bucky brings his arms up around her and holds her.

And it's silent, like it should be.

They're so unwilling to admit that they care about each other but would fuck someone up for talking shit without a moment's hesitation.

Family dinners where Baz is on her phone and Bucky is annoyed.

Sarah Wilson listening to Bucky complain about something Baz is doing and nodding and smiling until he's done.

"Welcome to fatherhood, Bucky."

Bucky's eyes going wide because oh shit he's the kid's fuckin dad, isn't he.

#ilanswers #anon #bucky & baz #bucky barnes

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wiw3 · 9 months

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Shame; Dialing In Complex Emotions Again

Put anything? You're sure? I can put whatever I want here? Can I even complain? Can I rant and bitch incessantly in order to achieve some kind of malformed closure? Is this healthy? What is healthy?

Is it healthy to get lost inside your head? That depends on how healthy of a place your head is to be. It depends on how you perceive yourself, and how much of your image you choose to inject upon the interior of your own head. How much of your headspace is an aesthetic you created?

Really, how does one behave correctly? Is it to live by example? To never crack on the off-chance you're in the company of someone who would eliminate you for not behaving correctly? So to that end, what are the rules?

You say to not be rude, that's subjective and relative to the individual. We say to not insult, or hurt, but that's subjective and relative to the individual. Do we just repeatedly find our tribes and distract ourselves until we've either got it perfect (for us, again, subjective and relative to the individual), or do we find another path?

It's hard to say. God knows I'm only trying to take an educated guess at the purpose of humanity. I shouldn't be grappling with what the purpose of humanity is at 22. I should be capable of enjoying myself, of finding purpose outside of writing and outside of tech. I'm feeling very boxed-in, and today's a very busy day.

How much shame is too much shame? How much self-awareness is too much? Is there such a thing as too much self-wariness? Can we metaphorically roll our eyes at ourselves so hard that they roll back into our heads and we're stuck that way?

Is introspection a permanent curse? Can you only ever attempt at escapism just to be "what goes up, must come down"-ed back into reality? We go up, we go down, some of us go up overall, some of us go down overall, but overall, it all ends with down.

So what's the point of blogging for attention online? What's the point in trying to find my tribe or distract myself when after all of this is over, I'll be forgotten dust? The answer is to matter while you're here, a pedestrian observation that loses all nuance the moment you say it.

Very few think through the concepts they're reading about, as they're reading about them. I'm sure this is cocaine to someone, but it's not cocaine to me. I'm addicted to creating, or rather, the sensations that come along with *having finished* creating.

Until I finish something this week, though, I'm going to be a burnt-out, creatively-drained, unempathetic mess. I need to make my bed, clean my room, eat better, go to the gym more, and discipline myself again, but investing in drugs and going on benders in my 20's seems to be the path I'm going to wind up walking. Maybe I'll stick with this weed habit.

A devil you know is better than a devil you don't. The problem with this particular devil and his particular lettuce is that I can't walk around high all the time. I'd love to walk around near-permanently near-comatose on weed. I'd be happier with a mainline to my femoral artery. I'm going to read this later and shudder, both at my desire to be perpetually-injected with something, and also at my addiction-issues, which are probably the most prevalent they've been, today.

I'd rather just write, and not think. Don't think, just create. Thinking is painful, avoid it at all costs. Don't think about how to create. Just create. Don't worry about getting away with it. Just create. Don't worry about taking care of yourself and those around you. Just create. Don't have aspirations beyond manufacturing. Just work.

I've got to go, someone's upfront and I'm running out of time to finish my monthly paperwork and I want a doughnut.

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lavenderfeminist · 2 years

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how is adhd life destroying dysfunction? i mean the only reason it’s considered disordered is because it can fuck up your work life lol it’s not naturally destroying your life or anything. it’s honestly just another way brains function like how autism is.

I want to draw attention to that last part. "...it’s not naturally destroying your life or anything. it’s honestly just another way brains function like how autism is." Now, I'm not autistic, and maybe you are. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 18. I cannot begin to see how it helps people with autism or ADHD to pretend that the way our brains function is only disruptive because of society. Are they exacerbated immensely by the way society expects people to behave? Of course. In an ideal society, would it still be disruptive to an autistic person to have difficulty in reading social situations? To be entirely nonverbal? To have meltdowns? In some cases to need help caring for yourself for the rest of your life? Yes. The only reason admitting this would be an issue is if you think the only conclusion we can draw based on that information is that autistic people are inferior, which is unequivocally false.

We're going through a period right now where everyone and their mom has self diagnosed with ADHD, and clearly the effect of that is people like in the post your ask is referencing thinking the most annoying part of ADHD is having a song repeating in their head all day. It's not. ADHD is almost not graduating high school because you have a single essay to turn in to pass your last class and you've sat in front of your computer for days and time is ticking down and you know the stakes of getting this done but you can't physically get the words in your head onto the page. It's not being able to relax because you're convinced there's something important you're forgetting and there always is. It's not knowing if someone is lying to you because you can't remember the interaction they're talking about to verify if they're telling the truth, and it's people knowing that and using it to gaslight you. It's losing important relationships because you lack object permanence and before you know it that person you love has decided you must not love them enough back. It's never letting yourself do the things you love because there's always something more urgent you've neglected until the last moment. It's everyone in your life, your teachers, your family, your friends telling you day in and day out "you're brilliant, you just need to put in the effort" even though you have been trying, harder than they have any idea, for as long as you can remember (which is funny, because you don't remember your childhood but you remember this). ADHD obliterates your self esteem. It makes you afraid to form relationships because you're convinced you'll hurt them or disappoint them when you can't follow through. It makes you convinced that you will never, ever, show anyone even a sliver of what you know you're capable of. Getting enough sleep helps. Exercising helps. Eating well helps. I have busted my ass rewiring my habits, and failing, and trying again, and I still have to look at the last 20 years of my life and see how much I have missed out on, lost, or destroyed because of my executive dysfunction. And the worst part is that it's self-perpetuating, because admitting you need help is the only way to get it, and you would do anything not to have people know. Name any aspect of my life, and I can tell you how it would be effected by this whether I lived in a utopia or not. It is beyond humiliating. Maybe it is just the way my brain is wired, but you know what? You are all welcome to talk about neurodivergent pride and I will be very happy for you, but I don't fucking want it. I would give anything for it to go away.

#asks #to review

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