the thing abt the roman empire trend is it was very funny when it was ppl asking their white cishet husbands/fathers/brothers how much they thought abt it bc it was like. a subtle dig abt how a lot of white cishet men are very obsessed w war in history and nothing else and glorify an era that they saw as hypermasculine and White
like it started out good it started out funny
it got annoying when people started going "omg what's the roman empire For Girls? it's (poetry/bridgerton/ex best friend)"
like no I'm sorry the equivalent For Girls™️ (aka cishet white women as a critique) would be true crime. like in the same way cishet white men think obsessively abt war and hypermasculine periods of history, cishet white women obsess over true crime very unethically despite numerous victims and family of victims talking abt how harmful the true crime community is. they are obsessed with the violent death/rape/torture of people without regard to their real lives or their families. THAT is the "girl roman empire" and it has the same tongue in cheek critique as the og
but noooo we just wanna say War Is For Men and Poetry Is For Women bc the white cishet women missed the joke and just wanted to recreate "girls go to college to get more knowledge boys go to jupiter to get more stupider" but in their 30s
like it's not that serious I know but. I'm autistic and I notice these things lmao.
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Squid Memes Squidbeak Splatoon (part 2)
Part 1 Here
More Harbor because he gave me Brain Worms
Born and Raised in Littol Beeg Bluff (yes the same Littol Beeg Bluff from "The Ballad of Dusty Grumpton" in the Factory Reset AU. I'm allowed to re-use my own ideas if I damn well please)
Comes from a blended family, and his stepmom and younger siblings (twin boy and girl around eight) are actually Koopa Troopas of all things.
The only playable Agent to both know and like his parents
Seriously Habor's moms are fucking awesome. Everybody in the NSS loves Harbor's moms
About 80% Humboldt Squid (aka Jumbo Flying Squid), which is why he's so fucking tall. It also means that he's really fast in swim form, to the point that he could probably outswim someone who'd filled all the slots on a piece of gear with Swim Speed Up without any Swim Speed Up investment of his own. (this is inspired by Lucky, another, very different version of Agent 4 made by EikaPrime on Ao3)
Eight
Yes she just goes by Eight. She was a little self-conscious about it at first but then she found out about SMG4 and the other SM64 Blooper Youtubers and no longer gives a shit
If she remembers her old name yet she's not mentioned it
Obviously doesn't remember her parents, but given the Domes are the kind of place where you can Start Training to Become an Advanced Military Hardware Engineer and Elite Soldier at Fucking Nine Years Old, I imagine she wouldn't have many memories of them even without the Amnesia
Contrary to popular fanon, my version of Eight doesn't have a scar from the Test Failed Bomb. This is because Respawn Pads (as long as they're fully functional) completely erase whatever the fatal injury was, leaving no trace apart from maybe some phantom pains if it was particularly nasty
She does, however, have plenty of scars from all the other shit she went through in that hellhole
Managed to complete every single test before she escaped
My version of Eight is a single year younger than Marina canonically is when they meet so I'm not going the Off the Hook Adoption route for this one (maybe in another AU with a more lose interpretation of Canon, but given this AU is specifically meant to adhere to Splatoon Canon as much as possible we're out'a luck this time), though she does still become very close friends with them
She's got Craig literally right there for any potential adoption attempts anyway
Very rarely speaks, but is expressive enough that most people can tell what she means anyway (you know Ferb? It's the exact same thing as what Ferb does)
Doesn't have a weapon preference. She's comfortable with any weapon she gets her hands on
Except Splatanas
She fucking hates Splatanas and everything they stand for
Configuring Frye's Palette in the Memverse was legitimately harder than dealing with her own Palette's stupid "Hacks or Chips, you can't have both" Gimmick Bullshit
Andi Finn
Has no fucking idea who her parents were and does not care
Actual supergenius who could probably build a functioning replica of Grizz's rocket out of scrap metal from just her memory of fighting on top of it. Never learned how to read before the NSS got ahold of her because she lived alone in the desert
Swears more than Bob
Can't remember where she learned Salmonid from
Somehow even the homeless kid has better hygiene than Paige
Made up her last name on the spot when she was signing up for a Turfing License (if you're wondering how she managed to sign up for a Turfing License when she couldn't read; With Great Difficulty)
Figures she probably isn't a full Inkling given her weird beartrap beak but doesn't give enough of a shit to take a DNA test about it
Yet
Paige dragged her home to their apartment almost immediately after the final battle against Mr. Grizz and she never left. It's not an official adoption but that's only because Paige is a bit oblivious to their own feelings on the matter and Andi doesn't know that paperwork is supposed to be involved
Almost exclusively calls Paige "Cap" even when they're out of uniform. I mean, she can't very well call them "Mom" or "Dad" since they're nonbinary, now can she? Paige has no idea that's what she means by it and just thinks it's a nickname because Andi gives everybody nicknames. Usually as insults
It took her 333 tries to get through "Splitting Crosshairs" (I legitimately Cannot beat that stupid kettle no matter how hard I try and want her to share my frustration but also want all four agents to have 100%ed their respective adventures so I'm just having it take her a comically long time to do)
Mains Explosher because it's the closest she can get to a Turf-Legal grenade launcher (for now...)
The Eternal Hunger, Devourer of the Bear
Is fine with people using Crabcake instead
Uses It/Its exclusively
Officially designated Agent 5 I will die on that hill
Was "The Eternal Hunger, Stabber of Ankles" before going through Return of the Mammalians
Will stab anyone who points out that it didn't actually eat Mr. Gizz, he just exploded
Extremely eloquent, but most people can't speak Salmonid so it just sounds like it's making the same gurgley noises as every other Smallfry
Once looked Marie dead in the eyes and said "No one will ever believe you" in perfect Inklish while they were alone. Has never said anything else in anything other than Salmonid where someone can hear it
Andi and Crabcake fucking hated each-other for the first third of their adventure before bonding over kicking Frye's ass and now they're inseparable
Actually gets its own uniform after everything's said and done. It consists of a little high-rez safety vest (like the one on Paige's field uniform), an earpiece (suction-cupped in place since it doesn't have external ears) in the same style as Andi's headset, and a clean black-with-thin-yellow-racing-stripes-on-the-sides pants...wrap...thing
It also got a new switchblade from Sheldon (the old one got lost in the space battle after it turned into Hugefry) with the same kind of black-with-blue-LEDs aesthetic as Paige's gear and a blade made of Sardinium
Also thinks that it and Andi are already adopted by Paige but that's for Salmonid Culture Reasons instead of Not Having an Education Reasons
Got separated from its swarm during a Run a few months before Return of the Mammalians. It wasn't too fussed about it and figured it could handle itself in the desert for a while and then either reunite with that swarm if it ran into them or join a new one if it happened to come across one. Because Salmonid Culture
Considers the NSS its current swarm
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