#this is exactly the kind of shit that makes me suicidal not just bc it fucks with my emotions but also like. this is for life.

[ioannemos]

last seizure free day: yesterday 😑 have a temp prescription for the higher dosage of my meds, so i fully expect to turn into a zombie. thankfully i already have an appointment with a neurologist for later this month, but like. fuck's sake

#i am so TIRED #and i have the headache that won't quit #this is exactly the kind of shit that makes me suicidal not just bc it fucks with my emotions but also like. this is for life. #like i guess i could be miraculously healed but barring that? i have to deal with this FOREVER #and i DO NOT WANT TO and i won't HAVE to in HEAVEN so. can i just. speed things along. please. #UGH #please pray #personal #abbie needs a twitter #suicide #i'm not gonna. i know it would be bad. i know it's a permanent solution to a temporary (or in this case temporal) problem #and-yet. #BLECH

[orcelito]

thought about the fact tht getting mental health help means talking about my #Problems again

ugh

#speculation nation #negative/ #like i dont have trouble talking about this stuff in an informal setting bc im like. not self conscious about it exactly #assuming i'm talking to ppl who r understanding #but even then i curate it. i always curate it. i never tell anyone just how ugly my thoughts can get #though if youve read my writing you probably have a Pretty good idea (akechi pov) the kinds of ways i think about things #i dont share that for common life stuff bc it's just. it always makes people uncomfortable. and i dont want them to worry about me #when people worry about me it makes Me uncomfortable. like there's something wrong with me. #like the very makeup of my brain is worthy of making people worried #bc that's the thing. this is intrinsic. it's never going to stop completely. there are parts to it that i dont even Want to stop #but people will always be worried. sooo scared for me and the sanctity of my shitty flesh prison #therapy shit is that but worse. because they Will pry about it #every time i see that lil questionnaire with 'have you had thoughts about suicide' and 'have you harmed yourself' im just like #might as well lock me up Boys cause this one's goin on my record! again. and again and again and again #im not even going for this shit. i dont have depression im depressed cause my life sucks & im stressed all the time #but they always see the bad and assume it's because of the Chemical Imbalances bc no Whole Person would EVER want to hurt themselves! #i can be perfectly happy and content with my life and still have these urges. it's not a depression thing. it's just a me thing. #i want help for my constant fatigue. my probable adhd that's been kicking my ass my entire academic career #im not fucking anxious. i'm not fucking depressed. i'm stressed and struggling to do fucking Anything because everything is always Too Much #but i just know they'll focus on those lil markers by the self harm/suicide shit because they Always Fucking Do #i'm not a suicide risk. ive long passed that stage. thoughts may float by sometimes but i'm never going to act on them #not unless things in my life go very Very wrong. aka there's no longer anyone who cares about me level of wrong. #so long as there's at least one person who cares about me then I'm going to keep on living. i'm not a suicide risk. #... anyways i looked into the mental health shit at my school again and im gonna have to call to set up an appointment i guess. ugh. #aka that's not happening tonight. not with the way i'm feeling rn. #suicide ment/ #self harm ment/ #lolololol sorry for being so blatant on main today but i'm having a Shit day

[annoyinglibra]

I’m literally not made for an office job

#especially the job I have rn #I’m glad I have as few hours as I do bc it keeps the suicidality at bay if it’s not a long day with this job #but holy shit. office jobs are not for me #top ten most insane statements: makes me want to reapply to the subway I worked at in hs #I’m really good with customers and work well under certain kinds of pressure (aka lunch and dinner rush were fine just tiring) #but dealing with these coworkers? hell #my ‘worst’ coworkers at subway were completely manageable #I obviously would rather NOT work at a subway again because I’d like a nicer job #but this shit paired with my new meds making me an emotional wreck is just too much right now #I already know my ‘dream job’ but unfortunately it’s a lot of people’s ‘dream job’ so it’s not exactly easy #but I’ll keep applying every time the companies open for applications #augh I’m losing my mind

[toriangeli]

Final trailer stuff, not in order bc fuck it.

This is looking like Lestat was acting as a vampire, unlike in canon, because look at the eyes.

Definitely having feelings about Nicki. Very strong ones. So strong, I wonder if this is him finding out about his suicide.

Very thirsty Armand.

OKAY BUT YOU CAUGHT THIS, RIGHT? Claudia swore to obey all the coven laws. This is *right after* they say the coven master has the power of life and death. She never took an oath like this in the book. I feel like these are the plans the coven has for her, which Armand alludes to. They got her to swear to be under their power so they can claim they were just following the rules.

Not sure how I feel about this tbh. In the book I liked that it didn't matter whether Louis and Claudia were part of the coven; the coven was going to come for them anyway because that's how vampires are. They don't need a technicality. They do what they want. They don't give a fuck what your laws are. You're lucky they're even bothering with their laws.

"The coven master has the power of life and death." This appears to be after Armand comes back from watching Lestat's show. I think he's leaning against a dead body here.

So about the dialogue here, I'd think this would rule out the idea that Louis never knew Armand was responsible for Claudia's death. If he's been told about this, he knows no one but Armand could have given the word. If it's meant to be something he remembers later, I don't think it would be in the trailer, since it wouldn't exactly be a twist.

AH a close-up of this outfit that was so impossible to see before. "Vampire Amish" popped into my head. A few historical details: I think he's wearing a regular frock coat like a cape, not an unfamiliar garment. Note not everything is the same shade of black. The brownish black (which would probably look proper black if it weren't up against the other black) is the "cheap" kind of black in this day and age; the black-black was way harder to dye and keep. We can see him in a waistcoat and neck stock, so he's fully dressed, and any bit of white is fully covered, so I think this is a rule the Children of Satan must have about what they wear.

Daniel smells a goddamn rat and it is, in fact, one of Santino's pets. Louis looks so crushed here when Armand lightly suggests they take a break and Daniel sees all.

"I'm listening." This is not in response to Louis' statement in the previous shot. It's daytime here, for one thing. It's also the same shot we got opposite Armand in a previous trailer (I don't have a screen grab rn). I think Armand is about to come clean about some shit Daniel is not prepared for, and I think I know what it is.

Definitively not Alessandra, a speculation I heard, since Louis and Claudia are standing behind her. Definitely a revenant.

There's Lestat and Nicki, but WHERE IS GABRIELLE? I mean, Armand hates her in canon, so I can see him being petty and leaving her out. It would just be nice to see my wife.

This tunnel makes me think of the one that leads to Armand's cell in the book, but this Armand sleeps in the same room as the other vamps, so I wonder where they're headed and if this is the same scene where Santiago starts swooping in all menacingly.

"You've remembered." No surprise at all. No fear, either. Not that Louis could do much to Armand.

I think whatever this revelation is, it has to be about Claudia's death, but not about him having the final say about her death, because Louis has to already know. It's definitely about something Armand has done, because he seems resigned. Like he knows this is the end for their relationship. I'm guessing Louis remembered the condition Lestat arrived in and has realized just how involved Armand was in the process. What he did to Lestat. Also the fact that he broke his promise not to mess with Louis' mind again.

EDIT: Although Louis is suggesting he has forgotten a lot more than stuff about the trial. Jesus, Armand, wtf did you do?

#iwtv #amc iwtv #interview with the vampire #louis de pointe du lac #claudia de pointe du lac #lestat de lioncourt #armand #daniel molloy #costume stuff ig #assad being the armand of my dreams

[ptsdangeldust]

tw rape / abuse / suicidal ideation / self harm

can i just fucking say that the "poison" scene was just fucking flawless to me. as a survivor of rape and psychological abuse it was so fucking hard to watch and hit on every note i wanted it to. the suicidal ideation, the self destruction, the pain, the torment, the addiction, the hopelessness, everything.

[this got long LOL big analysis of ep4 basically]

also it's a little funny how easily i called it when the pilot came out that angel was gonna have ptsd and cope with it through hypersexuality . like this was obvious from the start to me and they do telegraph / foreshadow it from the first episode pretty well in my opinion. like ALMOST too much. but at the same time i'm kind of glad. like that's what i like about the show is that it *is* so raw and over the top when it talks about this kind of thing. that's why i like campy edgy uncomfortable shit bc where the fuck else am i gonna hear anyone specifically hit the perfect sweet spot of just exploitative-feeling enough to feel palpably uncomfortable in a way that just like. perfectly conveys this message. in my opinion, obviously.

it's like so crazy to me that i had this exact high expectation for the show and adjusted for edginess and got exactly what i wanted and then some. like. god. they hit every note in succession all at once and then tied it off with a beautiful, nuanced but genuinely well paced and well thought out resolution.

"loser, baby" was so fucking perfect as the counterpoint to "poison" in this episode. also charlie coming in and being purehearted but not knowing what she's doing and making it worse. but angel ultimately understanding that she meant to help and it's not her that's the problem obviously. and then husk is ultimately the one to give a shit about angel (with some encouragement, which like i honestly appreciate that he doesn't take angel's bullshit and isn't just the like Token Black Savior who has no character or agency of his own [of course i'm white so don't take me as the authority on this issue but i'm certainly aware of it]) and like not only try to stop him from self destructing but like relate his experience and make him admit he has a fucking problem. sooooo much of abuse is built on making the victim think they're at fault for what they're going through. the way val makes him look in the mirror and say "yes" outloud to himself over and over while literally holding his head and threatening him was such a good way of driving that home. and then we see angel have so much pride poked at so easily when he's called fake because he's SO aware he's putting on an act. he lets himself be exploited because he thinks it gives him a sense of control. can't be called fake if i'm an actor. can't prove i'm ever real. never have to BE real. never have to admit that anything is wrong and come to terms with it.

and so husk comes right the fuck out and says it. you're a loser. you're washed up. you're a has been. you're self destructive. you hurt everyone around you. ..... and you're not alone. THAT'S the important part. that's the real thing that gets you out of abuse. people. not being alone. like not just KNOWING that THEORETICALLY you're not alone but actually having people show up and help you and put in the work and relate to you and listen to you and let you listen to them. that's why abusers chronically work to isolate people. because it's so much easier to exploit someone who has absolutely no support system. who only answers to them. who has no one to turn to if shit goes sour.

ok also the fucking hypersexual self harm? i have NEVER seen that portrayed so accurately and so explicitly before. i feel like basically every single time i see it talked about at ALL in media it's either 1) portrayed as like sexy or ultimately good 2) strays totally the opposite direction and is talking more about cycle of abuse shit (which yes that's also important but not what i'm after) 3) really just hinted at / i have to like extrapolate it from vague hints or 4) exists in shitty media that is not ultimately trying to tell a story about escaping abuse it's just talking about a tragic waif and trying to make you feel sad. which is just another kind of exploitation really. so it was very refreshing to see it made very clear that angel was going around *trying* to get drugraped (which is NOOOOOT the same as consent. but i'm not going to get into that) because he was trying to hurt himself. he knew it wasn't good for him and he sought it out anyway. he could have wound up dead and he did not care. that's how low his self esteem is. that's how little he thinks of himself. that's how absolutely terminal his suicidal ideation is. i like used the word 'passive' at first but no i would not call that passive he is clearly actively suicidal hsuidguhds (ftr passive suicidal ideation is like. 'i wish i could go to sleep and not wake up.' but not actually acting on it. active is when you start purposely not looking both ways when you cross the street. that's basically what angel was doing)

anyway yeah. ep4 was kind of the peak for me i'm ngl HUIDGHIS obviously i'm very excited to see where things are going in general but especially more huskerdust........ i would like live if they didn't actually end up together but it feels clear to me that they genuinely care about each other and at least angel does seem to have... romantic-leaning feelings for him. would be cool if they had some scene where husk is like just cuz i care about you doesn't mean i'm going to be your magic saviour through love or whatever. bc i feel like it would be so easy for angel to immediately want and/or expect that. i did personally coming out of my abuse where i was absolutely desperate for real actual non-abusive love of any kind but i was NOT remotely healthy enough to truly accept it then even if it had actually been handed to me and i wound up in something that was..... better, yes, but ultimately still toxic and not completely ideal. not abusive, no, just not like. healthy. lol. but i do have good healthy happy love now so i'm glad lol <3 but like anyway this is a common thing with abuse survivors and it would *make sense* to see it but like i wouldn't put it past them to just go straight into "and then angel got better immediately and they got together and everyone lived happily ever after the end" HSDUIGSHUID but like idk man. we'll see LOL

also i did want to comment on like...... the fact that the scene was worked on by someone with a legit rape fetish who was like straight up into angel/val as a ship and thought it was like cool and fun or whatever. like. i really don't think the scene itself came off as glorifying rape or abuse. it's blatantly obvious that it's not good and the emphasis is placed entirely on angel's pain. and like it's. it's not porn. it's evocative. it's explicit. but the purpose of the scene is not "look at this hot sexy sex" it's "look at this horrifying abuse". like yes obviously there are gonna be people who get off on it but people can get off on anything if they try hard enough. porn is art explicitly meant for jacking off. not everything about sex is porn. i think if you interpret it as glorifying sex you're honestly out of your goddamn mind. the song ends with angel talking about how he wants to fucking die because of it. is that glorification to you?? really???

ultimately, *I* think it's good. i think, objectively, the team did an extremely good job. give them an award or something. i swear. where's the oscar. my boy angel needs his oscar LOL

... one last note, because this is tumblr: this is very triggering material. probably it should've had a better warning of some kind. but it is telegraphed/foreshadowed like i said and the show is rated 16+ on amazon (i feel like it should be 18+ imo but it's like. it's repeatedly listed as being for adults/"R rated" in promo material at least) and sex and violence are listed right there at the top of each episode where it shows the rating so like. idk man. that's as much warning as is usually given for this kind of thing ngl. i absolutely am not saying it's not triggering. but it is important to portray triggering things. it is important to talk about these things to give people in these situations someone to relate to and to give them the language to understand how to escape abuse, first of all, and like also art in general *should* be challenging. i think they genuinely said important, unique things and said them well. they did wayyyy better than i thought they would. for real. like esp coming from viv knowing her past like. clearly someone in the room actually knew what they were doing lmao (one of the writers for hazbin also worked on the episodes in helluva that covered similar abuse recovery material so. you know)

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel analysis #? ig #my post

[transmasccofee]

mini fic about Kusuo and Kuusuke bc I am a little crazy about them — tw for suicide attempt and suicidal ideation, as well as kind of gruesome injury and probably incorrect medical practices lol

also it’s 1st person bc I wrote a lot of this while half asleep and I guess wrote it in 1st person, and then when I woke up it was too woven into the narration to change it to 3rd. Sorry lol.

-

“I like this look on you,” Kuusuke says, a tinge of excitement in his voice. 

I don’t know what he means by that, he must notice my confusion, because he laughs. “You’re at the end of your rope, you’re gonna snap soon and do whatever you can think of that’ll make this all go away.”

I shudder. I don’t want to kill him, but I’m worried at this rate he won’t stop until I do. I don’t like being part of this new dynamic, wherein my own brother views me as a weapon he can do whatever he pleases with. 

He blasts his gun at me again, and it grazes my arm, singeing it. As this fight’s gone on, it’s almost like his machine has gotten more powerful. Or maybe I’ve just grown weaker to it…in any case, it hurts. It hurts so badly. I clench my teeth and try not to show it. 

“Hey. Do you think if I shot him he’d survive?” He grins, gesturing to a certain fallen esper who up until now has gone relatively unmentioned. My blood runs cold and the second I start running towards Toritsuka, another blast can be heard. Panicking, I teleport in front of him, blocking him with my body. The bullet hits my chest and stomach, and the only word I can use to describe the feeling that follows is agony. I want to scream, but I bite my tongue. 

Kuusuke looks at me, his expression different now. “You’re really not gonna kill me, are you?”

I don’t know what to say. It’s hard to think of words right now, I kind of just want to throw up and fall asleep forever. My ears are ringing. Of course I wasn’t gonna kill you, just how do you view your little brother? How have you viewed me my whole life?

Suddenly he seems frustrated, he starts shooting faster and more randomly, he looks  like a madman and in the moment it’s terrifying. About 30% of his shots are hitting me, and at some point the pain gets too great to be interpreted as pain anymore, and instead mellows into a dull aching numbness. I’m depleting my energy to get my limiter back, but in this moment it doesn’t feel worth it. If I had my full powers it might be easier to dodge these bullets consistently. 

I slump over slightly, and he makes some taunting comment. I don’t bother listening. It all hurts so much. I wish I’d been born normal so then maybe we could be playing video games together instead of doing whatever this is.

I wish we could be doing that. A bullet scorches my hair, and this imaginary world where me and him are friends starts to consume my thoughts. 

Despite myself, my shoulders shake. I can barely stand up anymore, in this imaginary world where I’m not ruining everything, Kuusuke notices and runs over to help. 

I know I’m not there, though, when I look up through watering eyes and see a bright light pointed directly at my face. 

If this hits me, I’ll die. I don’t know how exactly I know that, but I know I know.

Without thinking, I half duck half collapse to the ground. It misses and crumbles the wall behind me. Now I just have to get back up, I still need my limiter back, and Toritsuka is still in acute danger. 

…I find then that I can’t get up. I try but everything my body refuses and I slump back down to the cold stone floor. Great. 

It’s my fault, I overdid it. Now Toritsuka is probably gonna die, and I’m probably gonna die, and it’s my fault. Helplessly, a choked sound escapes me. I don’t want to die here, I don’t want Toritsuka to die here. Shit, I completely failed him. 

After a moment, I notice that I’m the only one making any noise. The bullets have stopped coming, and Kuusuke is silent. 

Tentative, he leaves the machine, then he must see my sorry physical state because he breaks into a run towards me.

Unwittingly I flinch back. He notices this too, and slows. Then, he pauses and throws off his mask. His facial expression is one I haven’t seen him make before. 

“I went too far, didn’t I?” Is all he says. I don’t understand, but I can’t do much as he grabs me and flips me onto my back. He makes a hissing noise, which I curl inwards at. “Sorry,” he says. “I’m gonna need to take your shirt off.”

What…? I shake my head vigorously. Of course it’s just another game. Honestly, how was I so stupid as to think he was actually concerned for a second? 

“Kusuo,” he pleads. “This is kind of serious, I need to be able to see the full extent of the damage.”What damage? Does he mean my stomach? I’m fine. I mean, it hurts, but it’s fine.

He takes off my jacket anyways, then curses and peels off my undershirt too. I’m waiting for something to happen, someone to pop out and upload a photo of me at my weakest to the internet as some awful prank, my friends (sans Toritsuka) to come walking out and see me like this, anything. For some reason none of that is happening, Kuusuke is silently surveying me, his whole face is pinched in some unreadable expression. 

“Here, stay here,” he orders. I want to laugh, as it is I can’t even stand, what does he expect me to do?

In my peripheral, I see Toritsuka. He seems to be stirring. Internally, I beg him not to. I can’t do anything right now, he could kill me if he wanted, and then Kuusuke would probably kill him.

When he comes back he’s carrying an array of things. Bandages, water, a cloth, some kind of disinfectant, and a black blanket. It’s odd, despite everything, despite all our fighting, I never feared my brother until now. It’s a potent feeling, and I have to look away. I don’t know what he’s planning. Without a word he hoists me onto his knee, and begins doing something. I can’t stop him without killing him, so I don’t. 

I can feel water, then the cloth dabbing at my chest and arms shoulders, then something cold and sharp touching me. It hurts more than I except. Part of me just wants to surrender, let unconsciousness spare me from any more of this, but then I’d really be powerless against him, so I fight it off. 

I feel something wrap tightly around my torso, and then he murmurs something and puts my undershirt back on, before wrapping me in what is definitely that shitty blanket he brought out. 

For a brief moment, I let myself feel relieved. Then he climbs back onto the machine, and I feel my stomach sink. Tears spring to my eyes. I knew he didn’t like me, but isn’t this…too cruel? Letting me feel safe before destroying me? I brace for the killing blow, knowing that even if I try to teleport away, i won’t have enough control of my muscles to protect myself. 

But it never comes. 

Instead, I hear a turning of keys, and it powers off. He walks back over to me and sighs. I feel small, curled up in this thin blanket on the floor, shaking uncontrollably under him. I’m not meant to be this useless, nor this out of my element. 

“Shit…” he mutters, mostly to himself. “I really did go too far. Look at you. What am I even doing?”

I don’t know what he means. 

“Are you in any pain?” He asks. I want to scoff at him, but I’m still a little on edge and my mind is still numb from the earlier agony it faced. I nod slowly. He inhales.

“I’m sorry.” 

It catches me off guard. I don’t know if I’ve ever heard him apologize like that. I’m dumbfounded. 

“You’re my baby brother, I don’t- I don’t know how I could stoop to something like this. What if I’d killed you…?”

I blink at him. I…I don’t understand. I want to go home. Looking around me I notice the not insignificant amount of blood that had pooled where I was laying. Kuusuke is also covered in blood. Wait, how bad were my injuries?

I look at my shirt, and with sudden horror, I throw up. I wipe my mouth with my sleeve and in the corner of my eye I see my brother’s eyes are as wide as saucers. 

“Shit,” he apologizes again. “Yeah. I guess I really really hurt you. You’re even throwing up…On the bright-side, your friend over there is awake.”

That’s not a good thing, I glare at him hoping that’s conveyed. He looks at me and shrugs, nonchalant. “Don’t worry, he’s not gonna hurt you.”

This time I do scoff out loud. What the hell is he talking about? He just tried to kill me, he’s always hated me, you were the exact person who caused him to realize that. 

Toritsuka looks around blearily, then he makes eye contact with me. I steel myself, waiting for him to laugh, take advantage of my current state, mock me at least. 

He doesn’t, in fact, I’m surprised to see his eyes grow wide with horror. Suddenly he’s crying out my name and barreling towards me, he looks devastated. I don’t know how I’m meant to react. Yet again I don’t understand, I haven’t understood anything that’s happened in the past few minutes. Why are people suddenly treating me like I’m fragile?

He’s at my side, prodding around at my injuries and then the stained floor around me, and then my face. His eyes soften and fill with tears. 

“This is all my fault,” he hiccups. “I- the scientist… he- I’m such an idiot for ever listening to him. Now you’re all hurt, and it’s- I caused it…” 

I don’t say anything, none of this is anything I’m used to. He looks at the intact wall where he was a moment ago, then at me. His whole face sinks into something genuinely pained.

“You protected me, didn’t you.” He sounds really unlike himself, and it creeps me out. Apprehensively, I nod.  I did, but it’s not a huge deal. He doesn’t have to make it a huge deal. 

“Why…?”

Why? I pause. I don’t know. Looking up at him, I shrug. You’re my friend. I guess I care about you. That’s why. 

He shakes his head, then his gaze focuses in on my chest. “Shit…P-Please don’t tell me that’s not where that came from.” He points to the blood soaked bandages hugging my torso. I resist the urge to gag looking at them again. This kind of devastation on my own body is admittedly fascinating, but to someone like me it’s also disturbing. I’m kind of miffed that he’s decided to remind me of that area so blatantly, what happened to manners? Don’t point out the gaping hole in your friends chest so crudely, Toritsuka. 

My lack of response clearly functions as a response for him, because he eventually chokes back a knowing sob. “Shit, fuck, goddammit,” he cries. “I’m the worst, I’m seriously the worst. I’m so sorry. If- if you don’t want to see me again after this…I-“ he trails off. 

I’m a little stunned. It’s really not a big deal. It’s not like he was the one shooting at me, that guy’s lingering a few feet away like a creep. I try to explain this to him, but it just makes it worse. He’s actually crying now, which is making me all sorts of uncomfortable. “Don’t forgive me so easily!” He sobs into my arm. I sigh. This is a pain, all of this is. I’m tired, at this point I just want to go home and sleep. 

Kuusuke must notice, as he takes a step towards me. Suddenly, I notice that I can hear his thoughts. 

Toritsuka catches him moving, and jumps in front of me protectively. “St-stay away!” He snarls. Kuusuke looks amused for a second, but quickly his expression shifts into one of irritation. 

“You’re bothering him. Let me take him home.”

“As if i’d trust you! He almost died because of you! I mean, just look at what you did to him!” Toritsuka gestures widely at me and the area surrounding me. Kuusuke doesn’t answer, and now that I can read his thoughts, I can tell…he’s feeling guilty.

Well, of course, He had apologized earlier, but it takes me aback just how potent it truly is. For most of my life I assumed he hated me, assumed he didn’t care about me at all, but now…I don’t know if knowing he does makes me feel better or worse. 

“I’m sorry,” he says at last, not really directly to either of us. He’s looking past me, straight at the destroyed walls behind us. “I know I went too far, but he can’t stay here.”

“So I’ll take him home!” Toritsuka argues, unwilling to trust him. It’s understandable, I wouldn’t. I don’t. 

“It’s better if I do. You’ll jostle him. Plus, he’s my brother, so if It’s me our parents will be more understanding.”

That last part’s a blatant lie, I know it and I know he knows it. The first part is reasonable, though. Toritsuka is only a little heavier than me, and he’s not very physically fit. Carrying me all the way back to my house on his own would be difficult and potentially dangerous for both of us. 

“You’re his brother…??” He gapes, then rage takes over his shock. “How could you do something like this, then?!”

He yet again doesn’t answer, and his thoughts grow even heavier. Honestly I find that I kind of miss his limiter. 

Annoyed, I attempt to sit up, the sharp stabbing pain that jolts through me makes me regret that choice, as I slam back down against the floor. Both of them whirl around to look at me with considerable distress. 

“Don’t move,” Kuusuke is the first to speak. I glare, wanting nothing more than to punch him right now. My injuries should’ve healed by now, right? Why haven’t they?

He looks sheepish. “Yeah,” he says slowly. “Er, about that…the way my invention works, those are gonna stay for a while. Sorry.”

I stare at him, Toritsuka does too. 

“I created it to weaken you, so…it sort of overrides everything about you, including the mind control you’ve done.”

I blink. I’ll ask him how he even did that later, right now I’m just furious. Seriously, what was he thinking? My mind is more clear than it was earlier, and I at least feel enough in my element to be angry, even if physically the bets are still off.

Internally I beg Toritsuka not to ask about the mind control thing, I’m too tired to even attempt explaining that.

Fortunately he doesn’t, though I’m all too aware of how he shelves it for later questioning. 

“By weaken, don’t you just mean destroy?” Is what he asks instead. I now wish he’d just asked about the mind control. What kind of loaded question is that? He realizes I’m right here, doesn’t he?

“I created it to destroy myself,” he says honestly. I already knew, but hearing it out loud, so blatantly is still hurtful. Toritsuka looks confused, so unfortunately he elaborates. “I was hoping if I drove him low enough, he’d snap and destroy me.” Too honest. Dial it back a bit for the readers at home. 

“Oh,” is all Toritsuka can think to respond with. I really can’t blame him. I want to go home, I don’t want to be here anymore. 

“It was a mistake, though, and now look. My baby brother is badly hurt, all because of me.”

“…yeah. He really is.” Not helpful. Both of you should leave, just let me die here, it’s better than having to listen to this exchange any longer. 

They stop talking, though their thoughts are both still so loud. It’s all too heavy, I can’t deal with this, especially not presently. 

“…fine,” Toritsuka says. “Only If Saiki-san is fine with it, we’ll accept your help.”

I kind of want to ask where he got the idea that he had stakes in this decision at all, but honestly I’m a little relieved he’s here acting as a middle-man. 

“Okay. And? Is he?” Kuusuke questions, peering over at me. I shrug. “You don’t know?” I shrug again. I don’t want to interact with him. 

“You’re upset, you don’t want to talk to me,” he says matter of factly.  I forgot that he’d gotten kind of skilled at reading me. “I get it, but I really do need to know where you stand on this, otherwise there’s not much I can do for you.”

I sigh. As much as I keep telling myself I want to go home, the idea of my parents seeing me like this is mortifying, especially if he’s there too. 

“You don’t want to go home? You’re scared of our parents seeing you like this, especially when I’m there too?” He parrots. I flinch. know I said he was skilled at reading me, but that’s basically just telepathy. Toritsuka makes a face like he’s just had an idea. 

“He can go to my house! I have a lot of first aid stuff.”

You do? Why? Actually, I don’t want to know. Admittedly, it’s not an awful idea if I ignore the fact that I’d be inside Toritsuka’s house. The one good thing about being in a situation like this with these two is that they both know not to suggest the hospital. Hesitantly, I nod. 

“Great, that’s settled then?” Kuusuke sounds tired too. 

“I guess so.”

“Where do you live?”

“Oh, right. Erm…I’ll just lead you guys there.”

“Ok then.”

Kuusuke, without much warning, scoops me up off the ground. “Lead the way!” He chirps, presumably trying not to sound too annoyed.

Surprisingly, Toritsuka actually manages to lead us to where he lives without much issue. Maybe he’s more reliable than I thought. That, or my bar is just way too low for him. Probably the second one. 

“He can go on the bed,” he says over his shoulder. Kuusuke nods and sets me down. “So…now what are we doing?” He comes back with way more first aid supplies than any one person should ever need. Now I really feel the need to know why he had this stuff in the first place…

“Stitches.” Kuusuke replies, completely distracting me from Toritsuka’s stash. Did I hear that right? How does he intend to do that, an ice pick can’t break my skin, so really, how does he expect a needle to be able to??

He laughs. “Are you curious about how I’d be able to break your skin?”

Yes, but stop reading my mind, please. 

“Don’t worry, I’ve studied you enough to know this isn’t an issue. See, it’s not actually that your body is impenetrable…it’s a protective shield, a very thin protective shield.”

I’m confused by what he’s trying to say. 

“Basically,” he explains. “Your body naturally stops anything from harming you, of course it’s not impossible to bypass this shield, but most things that would kill a regular person won’t really affect you...”

I’m about to ask where he’s going with this, but Toritsuka beats me to it. “Sorry, but what does this have to do with giving him stitches…?”

“The stitches wouldn’t be harming him, they’d be helping him.”

“Ohhh. Right. Okay, I get it.” He lies. 

I’m skeptical. Kuusuke knows more about my body than I do, but it’s hard to trust him. I guess there’s not any other options, and I don’t really know how he could use this to beat me anyways. Reluctantly, I give him permission to attempt this. 

Against all my expectations, it kind of works. I mean, the first needle shatters, as do the second and third, but once I manage to relax it becomes almost too easy. Of course, it hurts, though strangely not as much as him cleaning the wound in preparation had. Toritsuka is talking to me about something stupid, I couldn’t make out what he was saying even if I wanted to, my mind is swimming too much. The sound of his voice is a decent distraction, though. 

Eventually, after what must’ve been a few hours, as well as the tragic loss of many needles that shattered the second I tensed even a little, Kuusuke finishes up. 

“Good as new!” He says, which is objectively untrue, but whatever. “…How do you feel?”

Bad, but less urgently. I don’t know if I can sit up yet, the thought of trying makes me shiver. Right now I’m tired, all I want is to sleep. 

“I’ll check in tomorrow. You’ll look after him, I assume,” he asks Toritsuka, who nods. “Alright.”

And with that he’s off. 

Toritsuka looks at me, all I can hope is that he won’t try to engage in serious conversation with me. He doesn’t.

He doesn’t say anything, actually. He thinks a lot, a lot of apologies, but he says nothing aloud. Silently, he lays on the floor and closes his eyes. 

I roll my eyes, he’s punishing himself. That’s annoying. Do what you like, but in front of me? over something that wasn’t your fault…? When he falls asleep I’ll be sure to give him at least a pillow and blanket, it won’t help anyone if we have two people in pain tomorrow. 

Once he’s asleep, I finally let myself drift off too. 

I’m woken up by Toritsuka’s miserable thoughts. It seems Kuusuke isn’t here yet, in the meantime I wonder if there’s anything I can do to make Toritsuka realize he doesn’t have to be so hard on himself. It’s fine. 

“Can you sit up yet?” He asks, I blink at him. It’s too early for this, seriously. I just woke up. 

I push myself up with my elbows, there’s a significant throbbing pain throughout my body, but I can ignore that. 

“Hey, that’s good! Maybe your weird brother was wrong…?”

He probably wasn’t, but one can hope. I give a thumbs up, for whatever reason my hands are shaking. 

Kuusuke arrives, he checks in, “supervises” for awhile, then he leaves. At night Toritsuka tries to punish himself by sleeping completely uncovered on the hard floors, I thwart his plans and then fall asleep myself. This repeats for weeks, honestly it’s becoming monotonous. Kuusuke keeps reassuring us that he has all the technical stuff “handled”, and I guess I have to believe him. 

Not only that, it’s all frustrating. There’s something nagging at me, it feels like a pit in my stomach, the same feeling you get when you haven’t eaten for a long time, and I don’t know what it is or why it’s happening. There’s something we didn’t address, but I can’t put my finger on what it is. 

It comes to me one day, at a point where I’m far enough long in this awful recovery period that I can walk around with only some agonizing pain. The stitches have been removed, I’m probably gonna go to my regular home soon. Toritsuka’s gradually stopped punishing himself, everything is going…fine. 

I’m even kind of getting along with Kuusuke, if I ignore everything that lead up to this, I might be able to pretend we’ve always been like this. 

Then one day, it’s like he snaps.

“Kill me,” Kuusuke says, grabbing my shoulders. It’s raining, we’re both outside and he’s knocked over the umbrella I was holding. I’m too shocked to respond. “I’m asking you to kill me, however you like, but please kill me.”

I can’t think of what to say to him. Weren’t we over this…? I guess not. That must’ve been what was bothering me so much. He looks desperate, desperate in a way I haven’t seen him before. 

“I deserve it, you deserve to be the one who does it. It would be humiliating to die to anything besides you, so please…”

I really thought we were over this. 

There’s some kind of cruelty present here, and the worst part is I don’t even know if he recognizes it. I feel the resolve I’ve been clutching crumble just a little. 

The reality is I never, never in my life, truthfully wanted to kill him, I’ve never wanted to hurt anyone. I wish I’d made that clearer, maybe we could’ve avoided all of this. I feel, for a moment, profoundly angry, then it’s washed away and all I can feel is hurt. Hurt that even after all this, he still thinks of me this way, hurt that he thinks of himself this way, hurt that our relationship is like this. I want to cry, I want to curl up as tight as possible and cry until all of this melts away. How did we even get here? How did it get this bad? 

He looks about two seconds from breaking down himself. I don’t know how to fix this, I don’t think I can. Once again I picture that imaginary reality where I’m normal, and I imagine a Kuusuke who’s offering words of comfort.

Against my will, tears come rushing. I can’t stop them, I’m helpless. I’ve caused all of this, the fault of my existence is why any of us are in this situation. My face is wet, and I don’t care to tell what’s from rain and what’s from me. It’s humiliating regardless. 

“Kusuo…? Are you…-” He sounds so far away. Quickly, I cover my face with my arm, stepping back in shame. I wish I’d just gone home when I was first injured, I want my mom, she’d know what to say right now. Then again, I’m sure that would’ve caused her a lot of trouble, so it’s probably good I didn’t. Probably. I don’t know. 

“Are you crying?” He asks, I laugh. Obviously I’m not. Or, wait, actually I am. Huh. I’m crying right now.

I’m so tired of all this. I know our relationship will never be like the one I keep picturing, but I just wish it was better than this. I don’t want to be crying alone right now.

He pauses. “I’m sorry,” he repeats. No matter how much he says that, I can’t seem to believe him. “I see now, I’m wrong.”

I don’t know what he means, I don’t want to know. It’s a different kind of pain, this feeling. 

“You want a normal brother, don’t you?”

I guess so, Its more that I want to be a normal brother. I don’t want to be someone he feels the need to compete with all the time, I want to be someone he can laugh with and play video games with and not feel like he’s going up against a machine. 

The pit in my stomach deepens, and it hurts terribly. Like a child would, I reach out and grab his sleeve. He freezes as I do so. I don’t know what to say to him, I’m just desperate and hurt and alone, and he was there.

“…What are you doing? Why are you grabbing me?” I can’t think of a coherent reply. He was there, is all I can think of. Logically I know it’s probably deeper than that. I don’t respond, I can’t let go. If I let go…I don’t want to think about it. 

After a moment, I feel arms wrap around me. He’s hugging me. For whatever reason, he’s hugging me. 

I don’t move, I’m scared if I do, that I’ll hurt him. I don’t want to do that. He exhales. “I don’t know why you keep me around, if I was you I would’ve killed me ages ago.”

Huh. I shrug. I don’t know, I say to him. You’re my brother, and I guess I care about you. That’s why. 

#Idk if I will post this to ao3 since it’s pretty short #Maybe #for now I’m just gonna dump it here lmao #tw suicide #tw injury #writing #< tag in case I do any more random mini fics lol #Toritsuka is also here and he is miserable. Bc it’s the cat gun arc obv he’s unhappy.

[bartychaser]

Hey, ehm so, what I’m about to share is really personal and might trigger people who have to fight bullying and mental and/or physical illnesses bc mention of suicidal tendencies.

Idk what exactly it was but (on Pinterest I believe) someone was like “Yeah but why are there people hating on James? He’s so funny and cool with his pranks and Snivellus, just get your shit together” no he is not and I won’t get my “shit” together.

For me personally he triggers self destructive feelings and behaviours that kept building up since SECOND grade (until 10th I believe it was… could also be beginning of 11th) because there where so many ✨funny and cool✨ people who picked their “Snivellus” and spoiler alert it was always me. They pulled so many funny comments and pranks one me that almost cost me my life in the end and they were not done until 10th grade ended. They bullied me with the knowledge that I was ill in some way bc I told them I was seriously and most probably dangerously ill but at that time we didn’t exactly know what it was.

They bullied me for my illness and that illness wasn’t just “being weird randomly” that illness was a fucking brain tumor (luckily not cancer, I’m fine since I had surgery) that caused an epilepsy which is one of a kind.

The most common form of epilepsy is cramps, lying on the floor, looking funny with the drool dribbling down the chin and almost biting off their tongues (yes that can happen… my cousin is badly disabled bc a seizure damaged his brain at 3 months old).

I had a form of epilepsy which my doctors said they’ve never seen before though they were working in that business for over 40 years and they did their research when they heard about me. I was kind of the only person ever known in german medical studies in the last at least 40 years with those form of seizures. And because they were so unique they fucking sent me to a psychiatry because the doctor I’ve been to MULTIPLE TIMES before always said “Nah you’re just mental”. That also was funny enough to pick on me, rubbing in my face that I was a freak and ill and couldn’t do anything about it and I cannot count how many times I’ve prayed to not wake up. Because of people that acted just like James.

I have the right to hate him because in reality I fear him. I fear people like him because getting to have them in my life almost cost me my life and I’m so damn sure they would’ve laughed it off if I one day stopped showing up and my teacher would have stand in front of them crying because he lost the student that reminds him “so much of his sister” (that’s a quote btw) and had to tell them. I’m so afraid of James-like people and therefore I hate him. Not because he is James, James as a character has nothing to do with my past but he was the reason for another’s miserable past if you know what I mean. And every time he is mentioned making fun of Snape or pulling pranks that harm others (mentally or physically) and not only to annoy them bc that actually is funny, I feel those feelings crawling up again and I know it’s not healthy in any way bc he is just a fictional character and that is enough to get me flashbacks but it is what it is so don’t fucking ever try to tell James-dislikers who’ve openly been through similar things that ✨it’s just fun✨. For people in their past it, too, was just fun, for you it might just be fun, but for people who suffered under that fun it’s not. And not a single soul deserves that. There is not one human being who deserves to be picked on/bullied because others want to have some fun.

And no, I don’t mean to hate on James-likers bc yes, in some storys he really is cool and nice and funny and I can understand what you like about him but looking at what is shown to us in books and films he was a fucking prick who loved bullying Severus and making his time at school a part of his life he probably wishes never happened and that triggers my hate-fear if you know what I mean. I’m not trying to say your just like him, making others wanna end them or something, I’m just saying that there often is a sirius reason to dislike a character other than wanting to be different and cool or whatsoever. Sometimes you try to make someone like James with saying things that actually are triggering like “Hahaha it’s fun” Doesn’t mean you can’t try but be careful and always be respectful with trauma which really can be triggered by just one sentence or character.

I know it’s difficult and I do know there are almost no people who communicate/share their trauma just like I did but sometimes people dare doing this bc on social media they can be anonymous just like me. If my former class mates would read this they had no clue it was me. If my brother read this he had no clue it was me, you get my point? But others don’t have that anonymity bc they already published their name/face whatsoever and if anyone they know would see this they would really be fucked. At some point you probably will trigger someone but that inevitably and that’s okay because you can’t see what they’ve been through and you didn’t do it in purpose. But if someone tells you to just leave that topic no matter which topic, there. Is. A. Reason. (Probably) Respect their “no”

P.S. okay that sounds a little aggressive and guilt tripping, I’m sorry but I don’t know how to say that otherwise that was not my intention😭

#james potter #barty crouch jr #evan rosier #jegulus #marauders #peter pettigrew #regulus black #remus lupin #sirius black #wolfstar #starchaser #rosekiller #dorlene

[butch-reidentified]

You say your reason for debating TRAs is so that any normies/fence sitters will see what radfems actually believe and are really like; that's exactly how I got into radical feminism, and I considered myself trans at the time.

Seeing innocuous, only vaguely feminist posts get derailed by accusations of transphobia, when the posts themselves had literally nothing to do with trans people (like saying women shouldn't have to shave or wear make-up), everyone dogpiling op who's begging for forgiveness, and then radfems coming in and being the only reasonable and kind ones. Who op often turns against and insults to further distance herself from them and to mollify the crowd.

Or seeing radfems in the comment sections of trans posts mostly politely asking questions and explaining things, and noticing how no one was ever actually able to answer, and how I didn't have any answers either. Only for them to be responded to with rape and murder threats, as well as suicide baiting.

Obviously there's a few radfems who are rude, or use language I disagree with, but it's outweighed by vastly more who are great.

And wow, surprise surprise, no rape threats coming from this side!

thank you for this! this is a pretty common story, I've found. a lot of people, especially formerly trans-identifying ones (and even some who still do!) have told me similar. actually this was a huge part of my journey from semi-transmedicalist (semi bc i never was on board with their weird gender essentialism, saying to be trutrans you had to be totally gender conforming with your identified gender) to radblr icon 😎

playfulness aside though, I really do think that it's one of the most important things I do on here! don't get me wrong, rudefems are based and are a needed part of the community. but we ALSO need people who are very loud but still "approachable" to the fence sitters, the people like I used to be who are trans or trans allies but never stopped dissenting, never fully got on board with all the rhetoric. because those are the women who deep down are LOOKING for a community like this one, they just don't realize it exists. a place for women to be outspoken and to dissent freely, even from each other, and still fight by each other's sides at the end of the day.

I do struggle to be polite a lot of the time. I definitely have a hard time and sometimes just want to roast the ever loving shit out of a male TRA who thinks he's God's gift and is condescending as fuck arguing with me despite being wrong about every basic scientific fact as well as what radical feminism actually is. it's messages like these that I hold present in my mind in those moments, remind myself why I'm here. because yeah, seeing a radfem explain her views and realizing you've been deceived, all while she's being kind and rational and the "right side of history" folks are talking about raping and murdering her... it's a powerful moment for so many women who end up coming to radical feminism.

#mine #ask #anon love #anon #radblr

[dogfags]

for the past couple weeks I have tried multiple times to sort out this kind of. thought cloud I'm stuck in. but I can't properly journal out my feelings bc I can't exactly put words to them. I keep trying to get my feelings out with words and it's impossible. so I resort to trying to organize them in pinterest boards and playlists bc those things are more abstract but still help me think through stuff. but even there I'm sort of at a loss. I guess I am coming up on a sense of self for perhaps the first time in my life? and it is so strange and foreign to me that I'm having a hard time. putting it together. for sure it'll take more time. but holy shit it just feels like I am having all these like. epiphones about myself idk how to spell that word whatever. it feels like I'm getting closer and closer to a sense of self. which I have never ever had in my life before. I have always felt like a weird amalgamation of traumas and I have these identity crises every other month wherein I try to reinvent myself and become someone new. and in so doing I have completely just. erased any kind of sense of identity I could have had bc I'm constantly just changing it so nothing I am ever feels permanent. every trait is just temporary and mutable. but last summer, almost a year ago I was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder and put on mood stabilizers. and after 3 months I started having these like... come back to earth moments where I'd finally be like wait, this isn't me, this isn't what I want. and I'd change it. and slowly I've been doing that with different parts of myself and my life. and then it all kind of came to a head when my ex cheated on me and we broke up and they were gunna attempt suicide and the gun and the hospital and just all of that SHIT happened and then I very suddenly decided to move out bc I couldn't live like that anymore. and then I started seeing my now bf more and more.. and just like wow. it's crazy how drastically my life has changed in a couple months. I mean in January I was in a shitty relationship I didn't see going anywhere with a loser who treated me like shit. I was living with this person and my old roommate and not doing much of anything for enjoyment except scrolling mindlessly through Instagram reels. I used to go to punk shows all the time and one of my epiphones (literally how do you spell that) was that I didn't actually enjoy going to shows that much and the people there weren't really my crowd and I don't want to drink or smoke or any of that. so I stopped going to shows but I never replaced it with something to do enjoy doing. but now... since I left that house and went no contact with my ex and sort of distanced myself from that whole friend group I have been more capable than ever of like, finding myself and who I am and who I want to be. I moved out completely within a week of deciding to do so for my mental health and even though I'm still working these 65 hour weeks and YES my job sucks and makes me wanna die I am still so much less stressed and I am not in literal agony. I used to be so confused with who I am. I used to struggle so hard to see myself as a human being. I was in a near constant state of dissociation due to the horrible trauma I've been through + my dysphoria + bipolar disorder + shitty relationships. Its like I'm waking up now. I keep having these moments where I pause for a moment in reality and I'm like holy shit I'm HERE like I'm alive and I'm present and i am experiencing this moment in this moment. it's just wild to me. i think this is a real turning point in my life. like fr a brand new chapter. a fresh start to everything. I left so much behind and for a while it left me feeling like an empty husk but now I am just starting to see the new little sprouts of life in myself. I'm not having an identity crisis I'm having an identity rebirth.

#barks #sorry to get all deep on the dashboard #id put this in my journal but my laptop isnt working 🙄🙄

[ilynpilled]

Do u believe that Jaime might kill Cersei and then himself at the end of the series? I saw other page theorizing about him killing himself as a final act or something like that…

i think about jaime and suicide a lot bc i do think it is a permeating theme with him in many ways, and he does do a lot of passive suicidal ideation. he is one of the characters who does not fear death really and is reckless in a way that it is clear that part of him seems drawn to it because of his existential dread. idk bc the thing is that i do think that “what else can i do, but die?” passage indicates the opposite of an ending with suicide specifically, and i think there are themes relevant to him here that i think are more likely to be followed through rather than be tragically rejected:

nonetheless, theres a certain part of me that is morbidly drawn to him succumbing to despair anyway. like if he dies with valonqar, i think thats the only way i would actually like it. i was never someone that felt particularly moved by the “poetry” or “irony” of dying together because i always thought all of that is much richer if it is treated as desperate self affirming delusion that is bound to collapse. and we already see jaime reject dying with her once. there is a visible degree of acceptance of their fates not being entwined that is not feigned bc he did actually leave her to her fate and no longer feels the obligation to die with her, pretty clearly juxtaposed with his mindset in asos where he revolves his life around her “needing” him, and ofc cersei’s own desperate narrative rn. and i think george writing it so they can die exactly at the same time doesnt just feel unrealistic but also would hurt the weight of the scene to me because it would give me no aftermath. a wall falls on them both? valonqar doesnt even happen then. jaime killing cersei and then a wall falls on him or some shit? whats the point? double suicide? where is the ‘betrayal’ and irony and subversion of the jc dynamic’s narrative? cersei’s mindset is proven right. cersei kills him? idk if that works with cersei’s tragedy/betrayal/shock + how would she? he’s injured from something else and makes sure to bring down cersei with him? ig, still feel eh about it. if it happens, i wouldnt feel that much about anything thats not an actual suicide after a murder. and even then, it would make more sense for jaime to attempt suicide by rushing into the nearest battle/suicide mission based on his established characterization. that is the type of act that would be in character rather than just falling on a sword then and there ig. u can argue that the choice itself of him going back can be framed as a suicide attempt where he wants to go down with a sinking ship bc he thinks thats what he deserves, and ofc depending on when this happens the city might be beyond saving already, but still, the execution and circumstances matter to me. i also obviously dont want it framed as him being unable to live without cersei. i find that reductive of his character and boring on top of kind of incongruent bc he already made that choice of key separation once. he already proved himself capable of treating their lives as not entwined. i would only like suicide if it was about a complicated and ingrained sense of failure over not being able to triumph over reckoning with the world and the self (this is what makes the light go out in the weirwood dream too. cersei leaving is not where it ends), esp bc i assume the whole thing is playing on history repeating itself in the most ironic and dark way imaginable. ofc a bigger part of me wants triumph over that this time and for that flaming sword that he gave brienne to still burn and provide light in “his darkness”, replacing cersei’s torch that she takes with her in the dream as she joins tywin and joffrey and the lannister ancestors and leaves jaime in “the dark”, to represent some deeper purpose also embodied by brienne that allows him to continue past this point (the flames will burn as long as you live when they die so must you), and i also think it works better in a lot of ways. i have talked about widow’s wail currently being in the red keep, the twin swords set up, twftd foreshadowing, how i interpret the prophecies in the weirwood dream and how it works with the past and future etc, even how it all comes together thematically when it concerns knighthood and the cynicism/idealism synthesis. but still, a part of me is attracted to that kind of painful tragedy. im fairly open to a lot of things in general if they are not halfbaked and incongruent and dont make me feel empty in a bad way on top of being unsatisfied. but yeah, when thinking about the narrative as a whole, idk how it could work in a way that id like based on all that i have read.

to me, theres too much cost in terms of set ups, unless it happens at the very end of the story ig. but how would that work logistically? and when and how would he acquire widow’s wail? that sword’s a chekhovs gun for twftd that i think jaime has the most foreshadowing and set up with. what else would he do at the red keep? why put him there again when this part of the story could be wrapped up? like theres a certain order of events that seems to work and make the established pieces fall together much better in my head, but ofc i could be wrong.

#ask

[grazillaa]

I saw you were hyper fixated on Hanoi Rocks (i have been fixated on them for almost a year now) and I just wanted to request a fic with a fem reader and Nasty Suicide or Sami Yaffa (literally either one idc they're both so NGH). But like they keep trying to ask reader out, flirt with them and stuff, and reader just... DOESN'T pick up on it 😭. Like they could grab her by the shoulders and scream "I LOVE YOU, PLEASE MARRY ME." and reader would just be like "hehe you're so silly I'm so glad we're friends." You can choose how they would confess to reader whether it's them maybe pinning reader to a wall and kissing them 😏 or them just flat out yelling at them that they love reader romantically. And ofc reader returns their feelings (who wouldn't). Anyways ty and I hope you have a lovely day/evening/night!!!! 🥰🥰🥰🥰

awe this is cuteeee

i decided to do headcannons for both sami and nasty just bc 🤭

sami

-he’s kinda already shy especially around you

-but he still makes obvious efforts to always be close to you, or just to talk to you all the time

-and he always blushes so much, you must be colorblind if you never notice

-even when the other guys tease him, you pay it no attention whatsoever and kind of just laugh with them

-one day you’d be out somewhere with him, having a nice time and laughing together or something like that (idfk)

-and he’d just kinda accidentally say “i love you so much!” or some shit

-and he’d instantly cover his mouth with his hand

-and you’d just be so confused

-he’d be confused as to why you’re confused, so he decides to just straight up confess

-“y/n…i like, love you- like, a lot.”

-“oh, i love you too sam!” and he’d be so shocked and giddy

-“i’m really happy i’m friends with you and the rest of the guys.” and you would smile at him, still clueless.

-“oh my god.” he’d start to get a little frustrated with himself, so he just yells. “i love you, more than anything.” he explains, very clearly and slowly, laughing a little. suddenly you understand.

-“ohhh!!” you pull him into a tight hug. “i love you like that too sami… so much.”

-you’d hold his face and kiss him softly and his face would get all hot again <3

nasty

-he would be even more obvious and up front about it, though that doesn’t mean you’d be more clear on it

-he’s very touchy but for some reason you take it as a friendly gesture when he puts his hands on your waist casually when you stand next to each other

-he gets that you can’t take a hint

-but it doesn’t frustrate him cuz he knows exactly what to do

-so one day, when you and him were alone in the studio waiting for the rest of the band

-he just kinda corners you, towering over you against the wall which finally causes you to blush

-“you silly girl, you wanna know something?” he’d breathe, looking down at your confused but flustered face

-“hm?”

-“i love you. you know how much i love you?” he’d ask, not expecting an answer.

-grabbed your waist again 🫠

-so he takes your speechlessness as an oprotunity to kiss you deeply.

-he pulled away, “that much.”

-you were still shocked, but in like, the best way possible

-you two left the studio when the band got back 🤭

#grazilla’s thoughts #ask #the nasty hcs 😵‍💫 #sorry this took so long bae #hanoi rocks #sami yaffa x reader #sami yaffa #nasty suicide

[itsbetterthananal]

another thing, and probably the most profound thing that ive been thinking about when it comes to this guy, is that he never falters in making me feel seen. never ever. when i talk to him, usually while hes in the middle of important work and im babbling on about nonsense, hes always actively showing interest and asking questions. i send something in the group chat? he always reacts. im talking in a group and somebody interrupts me? he immediately tells them to let me finish. i try to do my hair before work but mess up and say fuck it and just leave it as is? he tells me it looks pretty today. im having a shit day? he clocks it the moment i walk in the door, and knows exactly what to say despite not even knowing what im upset about

i notice i think of myself as a background character. just someone fitting into small parts of other peoples lives, not them fitting into mine. he wont allow me to think like that. a great example of that is, some weeks ago i walked into his workspace to drop off some paperwork, and he was just finishing up a conversation w another coworker. naturally i was like i’ll just slip in unnoticed, put it in the folder, and leave. before i can leave he goes “chloe, why didnt you say hi to me!” and im like. genuinely baffled by the perception. i was like lord, i was just focused doing my work! and you were talking to someone just now! and hes grinning and hes like “i dont care, i want you to say hi to me! you hurt my feelings 😢” i smiled, rolled my eyes and chatted for a bit. then later that night when i was at the front desk, he comes walking up and i loudly go HI _____! see how i said hi to you! (playfully mocking him) and in front of all my team members he says “i love it when you say hi to me”, fully genuine, no hesitation, no embarrassment. like i am such a worthwhile part of his day

and on the days where my anxiety is bad, i try to look at myself through his eyes. bc otherwise i feel like i am a burden, i feel like i am not worthy of peoples time, just overall a waste of space. but now i hear him. i hear him telling me all the good things he has ever said about me, about what a kind, special person i am. about how im the most positive person hes ever known. about how i find humor in everything. i hear him telling me he thinks i’ll make a great mother one day, and become a doctor. i hear him telling me how grateful he is that im still around after i opened up about my suicidal period. i hear him telling me he missed me after one of us has been out sick or on vacation.

so yeah. i will forever sacrifice the crush i have on him for his friendship. because i am so incredibly grateful to have met someone like him

#this is sappy im going to bed

[callixton]

Ooooh how about 🎭💔🧸🎶 for barba and/or bobby??? Noone gets these guys the way you do.

omg that's such a compliment <3 i will do both of them

barba

🎭(a headcanon about what they lie about) - honestly i would not put it past him to preserve his private life by just making shit up. as he got to know the squad better, it stopped mattering so much, but it's become a bit of a game that only he knows about. it's also usually so innocuous that no one would even bother to check - someone asks him what he's doing this weekend? he's going to that string trio performing at the lincoln center. (he has actually set aside time to read the latest pulp thriller he got from the library while eating too much take out and he is not going to be disturbed.)

💔(an angsty headcanon) - rafael deals with depression and self-hatred frequently, but it rarely/never comes in the form of suicidal ideation, so he dismisses how serious it is. it's why he throws himself into work so wholly; at least if he's helping people, he can justify his existence. it also means he's too busy to have time to think about all of the problems he's ignoring.

🧸(a headcanon about their childhood) - oh there's so much i could say. well i don't think it was Good. but for a shotgun-blast-let's-see-what-we-hit of childhood hcs..... he spent every sunday with his grandmother, and almost all of his happiest memories are around her kitchen table. this is alluded to in october surprise but this kid got in FIGHTS oh my god he could not keep his mouth shut. thank god for eddie or he would have had his shit kicked in so fast. sorry to make this sad too but he dealt with the same problem at home with his dad, and eddie wasn't there to protect him. he read voraciously but almost exclusively in private; he wanted people to know he was smart, but he didn't want to get made fun of. he tried exactly one basketball summer camp before realizing he was too short and scrawny to compete.

🎶(a headcanon about music) - not to let actor bleed influence this too much, but i do think barba probably takes after raúl when it comes to music taste; i think "the music he loves best is the Cuban songs he learned from his grandmother." that said, other artists that i associate with him: frank ocean, bruce springsteen & 80s ballads

bobby

🎭- unfortunately bobby is lying to himself at basically all times as a baseline and therefore incidentally to the people around him. but for something more specific, i think he lies about how quickly he gets drunk. he doesn't like actually giving up control over himself and what he says, but he does like the social justification of being able to relax and open up, so he meets it somewhere in the middle and lets everyone else think he's gone before he actually is. it's pretty rare that his friends see through this, which both suits him fine and makes him lonelier.

💔- oh baby. well. tbh it's kind of hard for me to find a headcanon bc so much of what i consider heartbreaking about his character is very much text. However. i do like to play with the idea of his first encounter with a guy in college going so poorly that it contributes to him shoving his sexuality deep down and the subsequent repression we see in show. which is so sad for him bc he wouldn't have done it if he wasn't questioning right like. it might not have been an answer he liked but even that would have been an answer. and then he is just so completely in his head (and he's not even Into the other guy he just offered) that the whole thing goes terribly and he feels so broken bc if he's not gay then what is Wrong with him that he feels like this. (he does discover, some ten-odd years later, that he doesn't mind sleeping with men as much as he thought, but he's spent such a long time of convincing himself that it's not for him that it takes a Lot of pressure to break through that worldview)

🧸- did not have many friends :( on the one hand he really didn't mind that much bc he was absolutely the sort of kid who enjoyed playing on his own, but on the other hand that isolation of not feeling like there's anyone who understands him set in early. he was set up on lots of playdates by his parents where neither kid wanted to be there. he was an observer and a listener though. sooo much of the personality he presents over the years is drawn from copying the behaviors of people he likes.

🎶- this is such a good question bc his character playlist is So fully music i think about him to, not like. songs i think he would listen to. i don't actually think he seeks out music that often? i think he likes the noise of the city and whatever's playing on the radio; it makes him feel more connected to everything in an indirect way. if i had to choose a band i'm weirdly getting they might be giants. that said if he ever really listened to conan gray or mitski it would be so over for him.

#literally the urge to type bobby baby for every answer. he is so. bobby baby :( #i think bobby is autistic actually. have realized that just now #these guys make me crazy. every time i think i don't have more to say abt them. well #also adding birdhouse in your soul to my bobby playlist brb #ALSO on music. literally both of them are SOO take your mama by the scissor sisters core. that's where the overlap lives #ted talks #rafael barba #svu #company #@alex

[canmom]

Worth the Candle, end of 228.

so. I understand it now. this is Baru Cormorant: When They Cry.

i thought this story was going to be stupid fun, in a kind of well-above-average litrpg way - I was (kinda still am) very depressed and the other books I was reading were too heavy. instead, it surprised me be being good, like actually good: a genuinely thoughtful, well structured and even insightful story. this is not something that I ever expected to write about a litrpg isekai webserial, and certainly not a 'ratfic'.

it does, admittedly, take a while to come into its own. what 'its own' turns out to be is, as one commentator deemed it, 'competence porn for therapy'.

at first i thought it was about grief, then i recalibrated to a really scathing self-crit, as the story worked to absolutely dismantle self insert protagonist Juniper interpersonally and ideologically. now, 25 chapters from the end (which is still like an entire novel lol) it seems to be... complex metafiction about learning to work through shit and understand yourself and other people? woven of course in between exploring a variety of off-the-wall magic systems and settings, with an analytic eye to how and why they're made.

it's safe to say it blows Yudkowsky out of the fucking water. if more ratfic is like this, i might have to get into the genre.

it can be quite... dry isn't the right word, but there's a lot of chapters of people having penetrating conversations about their motivations and feelings, or coming up with plans, or the nature of the story they're inhabiting. which isn't to say it can't hit the feelings or evoke a mood... especially if that mood is an oppressive one, but there's plenty of genuine humour. it's often kind of horny but in a really analytic way, where it's about breaking down hangups around sex that largely happens off camera, and sexuality is just part of what comes under the scope. in some ways it feels... anthropological, in the sense of autoethnography - which I suppose is what it is, given how much Wales seems to be putting his own experiences into it, though of course I'm not sure exactly the line between what is directly roman à clef for his own life and what is there for a rhetorical point. some of the constructions and parallels feel too neat to be exactly real, but that doesn't say a lot, bc if you're fictionalising something you'd neaten it up.

it steers determinedly towards just about all the thorniest topics you can think of: grief, depression, suicide, rape (of its protagonist), genocide, eugenics. astonishingly, given its peers, it handles them with - for the most part, I'm not really sure about where they're going with the Tuung - a lot of grace.

it can be a bit cheeky with the metafiction occasionally but generally uses it purposefully, in the same way that a When They Cry VN teaches you how to read it. (promise I'll get back to that). in general it commits to the bit, hard. a brief arc riffs on the one page rpg Actual Cannibal Shia LaBeouf, in a way that sounds like it would be way too stupid, and yet it somehow makes it work by playing it serious.

it's a curious story to read because you have to take everything on at least four levels: what it means on the base level, how it fits in to the story that is being constructed with the diegetic DM character (the 'narrative' that the characters are aware of), how it reflects back on the inciting incidents on Joon's D&D games and grief spiral on Earth, and the purpose it's being put towards by Wales in the webnovel. (we can go further and take after Eco in distinguishing the author suggested by the text from the actual person Alexander Wales, but that's more @baeddel 's department.)

and now I've finally reached the Fel Seed Incident. cw rape. also spoilers.

the Fel Seed Incident is foreshadowed from early in the story, as the most heinous thing that Joon did while misanthropically turning on everyone after the death of his best friend Arthur. it's pretty much exactly what I thought, given the foreshadowing: Joon created a cheap grimdark body horror scenario to vent his feelings, that scenario centred on a sadistic rapist villain, a new player who Joon held in contempt joined the group, who was a rape survivor, and Joon steamrolled through several attempts to get him to back down, drove her away, flipped his lid and drove her boyfriend away, and made the session miserable for everyone by making Fel Seed invincible. most of this was pretty much spelled out already, but not the rape part.

this is the keystone of the whole story, and the reason it's delivered so late is because basically everything leading up to this point is telling us how to interpret this scene. particularly the arc where Joon gets raped by his sentient house, who then goes away for a long time to be taught a sense of ethics by the girl who eats demons to get therapy insight (I say, very matter of factly). Joon was pathetic and shitty, but it wasn't some grand act of sadism, just a tawdry story of lashing out at someone in the wrong place who he considered an annoyance beneath his notice - a recurring theme we've come to see throughout the rest of the story. it's presented very levelly. we've seen Bethel's efforts to change, we've seen Joon understandably not wanting to have anything to do with her, studiously examined that situation from each side. it all makes depressing sense, just as the scenes of abuse in Umineko do: this is how people act in these circumstances. 'well observed' you say.

yet it's not just going there to rub our faces in how much our protagonist sucks. because the whole point is to take it seriously, not wallow in self loathing. Grak doesn't kill himself and commits to living, Bethel and Valencia take the time to work at learning from their enormous mistakes. beating up on yourself is a sort of perverse defence mechanism. if you suck irredeemably you don't have to try.

the Fel Seed Incident is thus essentially a synecdoche (drink) of Joon's spiral and of the themes it's driving at, and thus a fitting capstone battle. it's almost annoyingly well put together.

but it's also rather self aware about this. Joon has by this point figured out that he's supposed to learn things from his adventures. the protagonists try to figure out what sort of narrative they're in and talk about postmodernism. so it's probably going to be about more than that.

self-improvement is the whole selling point of the rationalist ideology: the idea that if you follow Yudkowsky's teachings you can learn to put things in a mathematical perspective that will helpfully set you straight on matters from epistemology (Bayesianism solves everything) to ethics (utilitarianism is the answer, but you need to take into account a bunch of weird edge cases) to niche causes like cryonics and AI research. in fact, it's simply a cult. with all the shit that comes with, which means yes, rape and dead bodies.

many ideas in the story draw from the rationalist milieu. Joon's plan to 'win forever', usurp the DM and create a heaven that solves suffering, is of course an oblique spin the friendly AI singularity that Yudkowsky hopes to build. the soul magic arc, with its ideas of fiddling with motivations, is also about this. it seeps in in other ways, e.g. the idea raised now and then about keeping promises so other agents will trust you to keep promises is one of the founding elements of Roko's Basilisk. other elements, like the Second Empire, seem like an extrapolation of a society run by rat ideals.

I do not like the 'd' word. reading Eva and Madoka as 'genre deconstructions' obscures much more than it reveals (and also has very little to do with whatever Derrida was getting at). but it is honestly surprising to me that this is a celebrated ratfic reads like a splendid dismantling of rationalism.

the rape angle is relevant here. Yudkowsky's story Three Worlds Collide, a story about metaethics, rather infamously presents a future human society where rape is ubiquitous and considered a mild annoyance. it's like defamiliarising or whatever - don't you see, it's just our cultural assumptions! - and if you think it is going to do anything interesting, of course not, it's just Richard Stallman levels of pigheaded edgy obliviousness.

by contrast, the arc where Bethel rapes Joon... well, it feels almost like it's running down a checklist of how to write a realistic rape. Joon is raped by someone he knows well, he clearly says no, but when this is ignored, goes along with it in part because he's hyperconscious of the possibility of sudden violence; he knows something is up but blames himself because he was physically aroused and thinks it's just arbitrary cultural hangups and because he's a guy; he is reluctant to talk about it with his friends because he doesn't want his rapist to just be killed and she's important to their organisation. his attacker is a rape survivor herself in a complicated way, and she has spun a story where she was in the right that has to be very carefully unpicked by someone close to her and then she must take time to work through and change the whole way she relates to people, and there's some uncertainty in the others whether she's actually changed or just putting up a show of it. you could basically say it's cribbed from a "transformative justice" case study, but without the buzzwords.

and like, in a metafictional story like this one, situated in a milieu founded by Yudkowsky, that seems kind of like a statement. 'pay attention class, here's how to write a rape'. that might be uncharitable - i haven't seen how other rationalist writers handle it. (you can write a web novel without rape? ha, as if.)

Amaryllis in particular is the epitome of an idealised rationalist, effective altruist model. she's not emotionless, but manages her emotions clinically, according to scientific principles. she obsessively prioritises utilitarianism over her own feelings about a situation ('purchase fuzzies and utilons separately' is how it went i think?) and relentlessly builds power in order to remake the world according to her vision. she's hypercompetent as an administrator and has bizarrely mechanical ways of dealing with her own feelings. and it generally pays off and doesn't blow up in her face! (analogy: she's kind of who Baru Cormorant thinks she is, especially at the outset when she's most indoctrinated by Farrier.)

all of this seems to be very deliberate, given how Joon and the other characters react to her, but I'm scratching my head about the endgame here. I suppose, if each companion reflects some quality of Joon, we read Amaryllis and the slow burn romance as some kind of spin on gradually being enticed by the ideal of lesswrongism itself? but this story puts such an emphasis on self-understanding that there is no way it would uncritically present Amaryllis as an ideal. and with the Tuung essentially being put through what is painted as a hyperaccelerated residential school system that's been flagged up as an impending conflict a few times, and this story consistently choosing to steer into conflict rather than take an easy out to the point that the characters notice, it has to be going somewhere with this.

I'm honestly not sure how it's going to end, at this point. obviously Joon will find Arthur and confront the Dungeon Master, maybe he'll get to immanentise his personal eschaton. it would be too cheap for him to just go back to Earth with a bunch of lessons learned, especially with the IC meta discussions signaling hard against that. but it's the kind of excited expectant wait where I think I'll be surprised.

obviously I'm hooked. it's a kind of story it's very hard to share with anyone because it's 1.65 million words long, drawing from two milieus (D&D and LessWrong) that are very familiar to me but not necessarily anyone else I know, the premise on the face of it is kind of a hard sell, and as we've just discussed it kinda goes relentlessly for the hard stuff. all in all it's a Brynbait story. if you're tempted by what's above, I'd give it a shot.

aaand damn I guess I prematurely reviewed. I wasn't going to write until I'd finished the book, but I guess I'm writing now! I'll probably see the end after sleeping so expect a followup then.

also. he really did fuck the goddamn deer (tf was involved). and it wasn't a joke but meant something. fascinating thing, this book.

#worth the candle #novels #fiction

[dinoswordsb]

and 50 (bennifer specific pls)

50: Talk about anything you want.

Ohhh man...ohhh man where do I even start.........

I typed this all out in a feverish state so ermmm read more ig LAWL! Also inviting @nt3000s to add anything, I didn't mention a lot in the grand scheme of things and also maybe misrepresented Jen I don't know but I will be mostly speaking about bens side I think. Either way this is a very broad overview bc I've never gotten the chance to even really dump about that

Also a couple things are mentioned in passing I want to mention namely sexual assault, self harm and suicide but none of this is really in any kind of detail

I always tag Bennifer with all this shit that sounds contradictory like they hate each other they're ripping each other apart but they love each other they're doomed to be together they're destined for it etc etc but you have to trust me. When I say it is literally all of those things.

Ben belongs to me and he is your typical tormented repressed transfag caught in the bonds of late 90s society and his conservative upbringing while Jennifer belongs to my Buddy I tagged up there is also a transfag but in a different direction and I think the best way I can summarize him is he seems insane but really all of it is calculated for everyone to hate him on purpose(and he is a nurse that kills people) and the thing about them is that they are doomed from the start and somehow when they come together that cancels out and they make it out of anything but their own lives alive(also they are silent hill ocs but like that. Barely even matters anymore)

I think the way this happens is they're entirely different at first glance but if you dig a little deeper they are exactly the fucking same in ways they can't imagine even if it manifests on opposite ends of a spectrum ex: Jen is always the center of attention while Ben cannot stand anyone even so much as looking at him most of the time, Jennifer harms others as a source of control while Ben only hurts himself(both of these behaviors manifest from a life filled with nothing but sorrow), Jen is terminally ill and is running on a ticking clock while Ben has a sound body but his mental illness is so debilitating he is looking for any way he can be dead without doing it himself(that is a sin)((he asks Jennifer to kill him and he can't do it)) and my personal favorite due to feeling like nothing but a body because of sexual assault Jen leans into it in a superficial way having sex as often as he can get away with Ben will lose his mind if somebody touches him beyond like. His hands or something. That's not even touching on the Murders

And the way this works is they meet and they hate each other at first with their own selfish motives Ben wants to sacrifice Jen for God's approval to serve as some sort of martyr and Jen sees Ben for what he is, which is somebody very unsound and potentially dangerous and wants to see if he can make him break. But wouldn't you know it those similarities start to surface and in some desperate attempt for any kind of human connection they get attached. Against any better judgment. I can only speak for Ben's side but he sees himself in the other and it's more human connection and familiarity than he has known in his entire life and for once he does not feel entirely alienated by this guy he just met.

And that's the basis of the whole relationship they are such awful and broken people it can go wrong in a million ways Jen can kill Ben Ben can kill Jen they can escape silent hill and try to make things work and they don't because they're so stubborn and terrible at their cores, but when the stars align sometimes they can ride out the rest of their lives and heal as much as somebody can when you've lived the lives they have. But how it plays out doesn't matter it doesn't matter how they meet if they're even in Silent Hill or if they end up murdering each other or how awful their story ends because whatever happens that connection is still there it's always there and there is always love. At the end of the day no matter how small it is they will always love each other. Even if it's for one passing moment or if it's for the rest of their lives or if it's because Ben has a gun to his head and he's so thankful to finally be dead he loves Jen as the executioner or if it's because Ben has his hands around Jens throat and Jennifer in an effort to come out on top one last time kisses Ben, the love is always there and it always matters because it's all they have ever known. They always end each other or if not end each other they are with each other until the end. They're a package deal at this point in any universe or au or whatever

And so yea -putting away my 50 slide pp presentation- thats basically a crash course there's like 1 million more things. I could talk about. But ermmmm ya ^_^ blorbos from our heads

#bennifer #peemil #asks #oc asks #sa mention #suicide mention #self harm mention

[atopvisenyashill]

omg pls pls post one bran meta 💔

i’ll give a rant for also loving my boy while i polish some stuff up but-

I am very much a “bran will be king” truther, i think there’s a lot of evidence for that that people kinda looked past bc they don’t find him interesting, bc they got into this series for the politics and not like, the fantasy aspects lol, but I do have like several ~scenarios~ for him, it’s just that “king of what’s left of westeros” is my favorite bc of the bittersweet aspect of it.

but part of why i think bran’s ending is kind of hard for everyone to grasp, is bc the show just didn’t give a shit about him (like, STATED they didn’t care about the fantasy aspects & i love to shittalk miguel & ryan & sara but at least they are Aware And Excited about the magic aspects of Terros). book readers tend to overlook him in favor of dany (the other big magical character) because george finds writing bran difficult and writing dany easier so we have like 50 dany chapters for every one of bran’s. but whereas there’s several dany chapters dedicated to world building, character introspection, magic, and politics EACH, bran gets all those themes kinda rolled up into these fleeting, monster chapters that are dense as fuck to read. EYE don’t mind that, but giving him like a third the amount of chapters as dany (or jon or tyrion or arya) is just REALLY setting that kid up to fail. but george has really explicitly stated he struggles with characters that are young, and he’s clearly talking about bran (probably sansa, sometimes arya as well) so it’s kinda. i get his struggle!! but he also clearly loves bran as a character bc the chapters we get are real rich!

but d&d don’t even give us what’s on the page bc they do not care!!! so it’s so hard to really pin down what the fuck is going on with bran, bc i truly think they cut most of the notes george gave them about bran, possibly even gave parts of his story to others bc “it would be cooler”, and then used him almost exclusively for exposition & shock value. like, for all we know, the long night is also very short in the books bc of something bran did while in the north, but those two thought it would be cooler if it was just one battle.

[sidebar but like i mean, also jon is a big magical character, but rn jon is less “a magical character” and more “a character that has magic happen to him” bc he’s still a bit uncomfortable about being a warg, bc the logistics & morality of it freak him out. honestly that’s a good thing for jon, bc look at what “do magic first ask questions later” has gotten dany and bran (and theoretically robb). being inside ghost is certainly going to change his outlook on magic & cause another identity crisis, but i don’t think the magical side is where jon is going to struggle morally]

[also i do think the long night is likely to be a little longer, because i think they’re getting to the trident, but potentially they only fuck the north and riverlands and not anywhere else because of something bran does. idk man. for all he goes on about aragorn’s tax policies, he has done with the wights & others exactly what’s done with the orcs. makes me wonder if there’s some plot about the others that involves bran befriending & humanizing a section of them & d&d went “that’s weird and boring” and cut it, like the way the director for i am legend changed the ending to that suicide grenade scene even tho the book ending is so objectively better that will smith said he’s gonna do a second movie but with the cut ending aksjjd. my evidence so far for that is like, negative evidence, which doesn’t make for good meta, so i’m excited to get to adwd so i can reread bran’s chapters in like, ya know, a year 😭]

#asks #hope u like my word vomit