#this is maybe too honest lol

[inkskinned]

so while i was writing the book, i became violently suicidal.

this was mostly due to the fact that i had a very bad reaction to some meds and my brain stopped producing any serotonin. also i was in the last semester of grad school where it's actually illegal to feel anything but dread. so it wasn't going well.

somewhere in the fog of it i became aware i needed help. nobody was taking clients or my insurance. i didn't want to do inpatient care - it wasn't right for my needs. there's not really an "in between" stage between "inpatient" and "no care," but i was trying to do the right thing. i was trying to activate the chain of command that was my emergency plan. i knew i needed help now.

i used betterhelp.

i know, i know. i'm a straight-A student and so smart and so clever, how could i ever use something so blatantly bad. to be honest with you, i didn't feel particularly keen on it from the getgo - things that seem too good to be true usually are. also, if something online is free, the price is usually your privacy.

the thing is that there was kind of a global pandemic happening at the time and i worked 5 jobs alongside of being a fulltime student and also like writing a book on the side. it is a miracle that i even thought about getting help. i would love to tell you i had the mental wherewithal to like, process whether this was the right choice for me. mostly i was desperate. i was so suicidal that i was trying to find a reason to stay inside of fortune cookies. i was the kind of suicidal that looks like splatterpaint. i hadn't been that bad in an entire decade.

they took my data. i gave them it freely. somewhere out there, they have a dossier on me. on everything i survived. my story in little datapoints, scattergraphed beautifully.

the first woman told me that really i should be grateful, because (and this is a direct quote): "at least you're not anne frank." i said that i felt that statement was antisemitic, as anne frank's life and experience shouldn't be compared to like, a nonbinary lesbian in western massachusetts. the therapist said that i should try to use lucid dreaming to try to picture myself in an actually scary situation, like running from nazis.

i applied for another therapist. i was willing to accept the possibility that there was a bad apple in the bunch. the next therapist and i even laughed about how inappropriate that statement was. and then, in our next session: the new therapist said if i was struggling with body image issues, i should just work harder on my appearance. she spent 3 sessions in a row talking about how she was grieving, and made me memorize facts about her grandmother so "she can live on through my clients."

i am a three's-a-charm kind of person. okay, so what if the last person made me uncomfortable. i figured it was just a misunderstanding of priorities - she had felt she was sharing with me, i had felt like i had to take care of her. i applied for another therapist.

the last woman asked me to help her pray. she bowed her head. i stared at her, frozen, while she said: lord, i beg you: cure her. take the pain of being gay away from her.

i spent somewhere between 2.5 and 3 months on betterhelp. in that whole time, i was not getting the professional help i so desperately needed, even though i was fucking trying.

in the end, i survived this because i finally could get off the meds that were literally killing me. a request for a real therapist finally went through. i survived because my friends saved my life. because nick let me sob myself dry in his arms. because maddie took the razors out of my room when i asked them to. because grace slept over in my bed for like 3 weeks in a row since nobody trusted me not to hurt myself when i was alone. i survived because i got fucking lucky. because even when i was desperately suicidal, i was too old and too self-aware to take "you need to be prettier" as good advice.

the thing is that there's a 19 year old me who isn't like that. who would have heard "just think about how grateful you should be" and said - oh, i see. i would have assumed that is what it means to be in therapy: the same thing my abusers used to tell me. that i am just pretending and lazy. that i am ugly and unworthy.

betterhelp positioned itself to take advantage of an incredibly vulnerable community. it preys on desperation. it knows it is serving people who are not doing well mentally. it saw that there is a huge need for real, immediate, compassionate mental health care: and then it fucking takes your money and privacy.

i still get their ads on instagram. last night i watched as a woman in a pool pretends to talk to a different woman. they discuss her anxiety.

there's a 19 year old version of me, and she didn't survive this. she was too tired, and drowning. i almost fucking died. this thing almost fucking killed me.

in the ad, the woman playing the therapist takes a note on a clipboard and then nods once, sagely.

i have to admit it's a pretty scene. the steam and light coming off the pool water lands on the actresses. like this, it almost looks baptismal, holy.

#writeblr #the book.... #coming soon #hey so if ur someone who has ever said “you need to write a book” #i wrote the book #it's ... probably the best thing ive ever written #this is maybe too honest lol #okay to reblog thank you for asking i love u i am in love with u our wedding will be in may

[pinazee]

I think i finally figured out why disco/SNW Spock interpretation irks me. I couldnt figure it out because Peck is a good actor and his character hasnt diverged so much that it should anger my TOS loyalty. Plus im usually pretty open minded about creatives doing their thing.

TOS gave the impression that spock only ever let his guard down with Kirk. He was his best friend minimum. He was the most human, the most emotional because of Kirk. And SNW is nearly retconning their relationship. So you see, its my loyalty to spirk thats getting in the way. I want to preserve his special relationship with jim so im struggling to allow spock to show his humanity with anyone but him.

#just my own issues with it #im sure there are some valid complaints but mine are too tainted by my spirk loyalty lol #imma be honest the love triangle probably irks me the most #or maybe its just the sheer quantity that his humanity is leaking #his anger in the baby gorn episode #punching that vulcan for chapel #laan realizing he lost his sister and its toll on him #vulcan sex in ep 1 lol #smiling in ep8 though i know that was the space clouds doing #anyways im consciously making the effort to let it go #i enjoy SNW to let this get between me and the rest of the characters i adore #just gotta allow spock and kirk to develop in this new way #trusting the writers #star trek #star trek snw #star trek strange new worlds #strange new worlds #spirk #spock

[mueritos]

never surprised by the amount of z!onists in social work school (because this career is rooted in colonialism + imperialism) but definitely always frustrated that they get to be in these classes acting like they're upholding a code of ethics while also being a total karen when it comes to BIPOC people literally just being themselves in class lol

#muerto talks #exploding these people with my mind #theyre so whiney and complain about everything #cant deny this too but they all have like an unhinged look in their eyes #and have the gall to be terrified of BIPOC students lol #like sorry brother maybe if you cant handle honest conversations about imperialism maybe like get tf out of here

[grahamcore]

rip will graham you would have loved animal crossing

#he would have gone buck wild for the fishing feature. would have been out there from dawn till dusk reeling in trout. #no because the more im thinking about it the more im absolutely certain that will would be an animal crossing bitch #like he’d never actually have a reason to acquire a nintendo switch but let’s just say he did. he would be obsessed. it would consume him #his little avatar would be so cute too!!!! and his village would have only dogs and wolves and maybe like one deer #‘hey hannibal come look doesn’t tom nook remind u of jack lol’ #he would point at raymond and be like ‘this one’s u’ to hannibal help #his island would look like shit let’s be honest but he would be proud of it nonetheless #it’s like 75% lakes and rivers so that he can fish more but there’s also like. a few randomly placed flowers and fruit trees. maybe a bench #until hannibal gets a hold of it and remodels the entire thing in 3 hours to make an in game recreation of florence italy #okay i’ll stop but i’m obsessed with this now lmfao #hannibal #hannigram #hannibal lecter #will graham

[quinn-pop]

yet another oc that only exists because i wanted to write something very specific

(middle is a little older, hence her scar healing. i like to think she gets a glass eye at some point)

anyway this is mira! (they/she) since that wip is almost 20k words and counting i won’t give away too much but long story short she’s the result of meta going “one last time, i promise” and adopting yet another kid

also galaxia kinda indirectly picked the name :)

i’ve mentioned before that i headcanon that pretty much all astrals are autistic and this is just kinda an extension of that. whereas meta tends to suppress his emotions and conform to others, mira…doesn’t. she gets uncomfortable and upset and lashes out at people easily, and working through their emotions is no small task.

the main reason i chose to write them that way was for the sake of narrative but i’ve grown attached to it because there’s a lot of ideas there i’d like to explore. stuff about navigating emotions and relationships when existing is so suffocatingly uncomfortable. it’s not something i could center around Kirby himself, but i think it makes sense with a post character development meta knight.

they are very loved (omg oldee cameo???)

kirby was definitely very excited to have younger siblings after being used to being the youngest in the room for so long!! (with the like. one and only exception being gooey.) he’s super affectionate with both of them and wants to have a close relationship one day, but for now mira is pretty unappreciative of that fact lol. they don’t like being pestered for hugs

everyone else is okay tho

(i know that’s hard to read. oops. “obvious bite marks”. siblings being siblings.)

mira also has a very love/hate relationship with the egg kid, being so close in age they kinda Have to get along but in typical sibling nature they also fight a lot. sure it’s probably rough for a while but i think in the end they’d be good buddies. maybe not as close as Kirby and Bandee but still.

anyway i have a lot of thoughts and am very busy but. i’m really enjoying writing about all this lately it’s been fun ^^

#I picked a name and then proceeded to write a comic in pen in which i used that name and posted it #and only after all that did i learn that mira is becoming a very popular name. which i generally avoid #but oh well. it’s stuck #im gonna be completely honest a lot of how i pick names for characters is based off of how many puns i can make out of it #im sorry to disappoint you with that information /j #kirbyposting #my art or something #meta knight #kirby #king dedede #metadede #Kirby oc #semi future au #I swear i’ll introduce oldee one day im just bad at having drawing ideas #also trying very hard to not make self deprecating comments over some of this art cause i just. don’t really want to spend forever redrawing #stuff anymore. like I used to do for a lot of these posts. It’s whatever #anyway kinda a part two to yesterday’s post (as in: I made sure they were both ready at the same time so i could queue them together lol) #weirdly enough this isn’t all that different from my dmk interpretation #i can’t really decide what color she is either #part of me wants to say bright blue red eyes because i think that would look absolutely sick but that seems like a bit too much blue #all things considered #maybe bright yellow blue eyes idk ill figure it out later (maybe)

[reel-fear]

Wow, so umm... This looks bad, not only is it inaccurate due to using the wrong ink demon design [unless this is confirmation BATIM Ink Demon has been outright retconned... Which would make me pissed enough to make a new post just about THAT] but from an art standpoint this is just... Confusing and poorly done.

I wouldn't care if this was fanart, of course you should support young, indie artists... But for a Graphic Novel making sure your cover doesn't look like something Butch Hartman shat out in an afternoon is kind of important. Remember they're going to be asking us to give money to them to read this. The artist likely won't see any of that money and neither do the authors most of the time, not to mention this art screams of the artist being underpaid and overworked.

Like they Had to get something on someone's desk and their boss said 'good enough'. A concept Joey Drew Studios is very familiar with considering the allegations of poor working environments that Kindly Beast. Not to mention Mike Mood admitting in a Reddit AMA that they did in fact rush projects like Showdown Bandit. [Which they sold at full price]

He also says they can in fact say no or yes to designs involving their IP. Either Mike or Meatly had to say yes to this cover, according to his own damn words.

And do you really think this company in particular would care enough about its fanbase to not sell them garbage? They have done exactly that on several occasions. It's not like they care particularly about art either, considering their previous use of AI Art. There was no apology or even posts addressing it... Instead, they just rushed out an archives update to their game to get people to stop talking about it... Even forgetting an entire character in it. Again

This company is [or at least SHOULD BE] on thin ice when it comes to being suspected of misleading their fans or rushing out crappy products to them.

So with all that context in mind, I'm gonna talk about why this cover sucks ass.

The light sources are all over the place? Why does it look like someone put maces or knight armor on his shoulders but it's just flesh?? It looks both gross and weird [not in a good way either]

To explain more I'm going on a rant below but sadly this seems to have been confirmed to not just be a rough pass but the final cover and man... I am not excited about this graphic novel just at all. This felt like it really drained any possibility of it turning out good for me and I already had expectations low.

Okay first point, the light sources?? And there is no consistency here with the shadows or lighting, it looks like there's a hundred light sources all at once but none of them are even consistent!

the arrows here represent all the different light sources I can make out and yet the the shadow clearly implies there's only one. I understand wanting to use highlights to give the character a more clear shape but then just give him one or two lights behind him or in front of him? No matter how u follow the light sources, the highlights make no sense and the shadows make even less sense.

Why are the shoulders like that? Like on the legs it's a little understandable, at least those are clearly very heavily affected by perspective, for me I think they are so exaggerated it makes it look like one of the legs is either huge or one is small but that's maybe subjective.

However, the shoulders are unjustifiable, what happened there, what did they do??

I could pick on so much more honestly, how the color choices of piss yellow with no other colors being used, and the harsh pitch black being used for every part of his body is weird. How it looks straight out of Butch Hartman's recent crappy art. But to put bluntly bad start! Also what the HELL is going on with this background??

Seems once again the Bendy team is fine with sending out stuff thinking it's "Good Enough" for Bendy fans and honestly the people trying to tell me to "Be Grateful" for this are just proving that no matter how many times you betray your audience some of em will defend you!

Which is sad tbh. If anything we should be putting MORE pressure on the Bendy team to do better. Cause we deserve better than this, honestly we do. There are amazing artists in the bendy community who could do so much better for a cover. They've employed their fan artists before... Wouldn't it be great to do that for such a lore important book? The book that gives us the identity of one of the main characters in BATIM? The character you spend the entirety of Chapter 4 fighting to save? Not to mention will give several major characters their human designs?

But I guess this is... Good enough...

#ramblez #batim #batdr #bendy and the ink machine #bendy and the dark revival #sorry I've been on a positivity streak with bendy I know but I have to be honest and being honest I think this sucks lol #Im sure plenty of people Disagree and while I would argue this is more objective than subjective people will ignore me if they want to #maybe Im just a hater idk #but I do know one thing I sure do hate this and Im pretty sure Ill hate this novel and its designs #but maybe I wont ya never know #anyways if they do retcon batim ink demon I will make a post abt how much I dislike batdrs ink demon design #and why I think all the people saying its better than the og seriously arent understanding #what made batims ink demon good or character design in general tbh #to put bluntly just bc something is popular opinion DOES NOT make it right or a good idea design wise #not everyone is qualified to be a character designer and thats just good advice in general tbh #anyways yeah thats it sorry im being mean today </3 #I simply think corporations shouldnt be able to rush out crappy products to their fans and get paid for it but ig thats a hot take now #but esp with how bad that updated employee handbook was too and it still had stolen renders from fans in it... #yeah I dont think theyve learned a damn thing

[bunabi]

Editing my artist resume right now and my head is spinning with everything I've done these past two years 😭

I often feel so ?? under-qualified and undeserving so seeing it all typed out in text is helping my confidence a little

#too honest on main maybe but maybe this will help folks see you can be a mess but still make it work lol #once I had an interview and they asked what's special about my art and I froze for five straight minutes like its that bad #I am working on it 🫶🏿 #Also I feel so bad for the cat next door because they stare over here every day and Sabine doesnt give af

[mostlikelytofangirl]

What do you think Jin Guangyao needs the most in a romantic partner?

Hi there! Sorry for the late reply ^^;

Honestly? Given canon, I think this little guy needs first and foremost to feel respected by his partner, the assurance that he is seen as an equal despite his background and baggage.

I'll also say that he'd need to trust them, and while trust is a staple of any relationship, in JGY's case, the fact that he is aware of the things he had to do throughout his life, feeling like he is not going to be accepted by his partner would already nulify the first requirement of respect.

Can't feel respected when he is convinced that his partner is going to think less of him, or even stop loving him if they were to know everything about him. So even subconsciously he is working on the assumption that he isn't an equal to his partner if he feels like he cannot share this part of him with them.

So the perfect romantic partner for him, in my opinion, would have to be a person that not only treats him like he isn't either inferior or superior, but that can also show enough open-mindness and... let's call it grayness of morality for him to feel like he is going to be understood if/when he opens up about the less flattering side of him.

Also validation. It's very important that he is told that he is, in fact, a good boy on a regular basis :')

#replies #mdzs #jin guangyao #this is coming from as an objective pov as I can offer #bc my allyao agenda means I can see value in all the different flavors #but working on this assumption I'd say maybe chengyao and ruoyao?? #mostly chengyao tho bc it's impossible to ignore the power dynamic in ruoyao #nieyao is not really working here and funnily enough neither is xiyao imo #the entire guanyin temple made it clear that jgy never fully trusted lxc in this way #and the despite treating him like an equal he didn't really consider himself an equal to lxc #suyao is the other side of it with sms being too devoted and holding him in a pedestal that didn't make them equals either #maybe qinyao could work too but we'll sadly never know what qs' real position would have been to jgy's whole deal #... honest to god didn't expect chengyao to win here XD #anyways feel free to completely ignore me this is just my delulu rambly opinion lol

[yeehawbvby]

My ACNH island is VERY slowly coming together (been working on it since.. I think July? Maybe august?)

I’m really happy with the progress I’ve made except I’m now one of those people whose island lags because of the amount of stuff in some spots lmao 🧎🏻‍♀️ it’s a worthy sacrifice though imo because my orchard is the culprit and it looks banging!!

Either way. BEHOLD

#honest to god y’all. if you feel stressed about decorating or island and haven’t played/have restarted a ton bc of it #just do NOT terraform. or do it very minimally #bc that’s the only reason im making literally any progress lmao I really loved my last island too but #ultimately abandoned it bc the terraforming and water-forming(?) was stressing me out too much #anyway #I’ve been balls deep in trying to fix up the ~secret beach~ and campsite so I’ll maybe post pics of those too soon!! #they’re all in this area too!! campsite is to the left of the orchard and up a level and beach is to the left of the wheat #ALSO *cracks knuckles* I’ve had a land bridge on every island so far and this one will be no different #might start that today or tomorrow #that’s a whole thing bc. land bridge. HAVE to terraform.. and a lot too lol ugh #it’s just a strip though. I’m not doing anything too crazy with it #it’s gonna be perfect for my island’s autumn theme actually!! the bridges always looked best in autumn imo bc of the surrounding foliage #maybe it’ll lead to the museum? #sorry I’ll shut up #aspenposting #acnh #animal crossing #animal crossing new horizons #new horizons #animal crossing nh

[dishsaop]

does anyone have recommendations for fictional media that has like. actual lesbians in it. not like supergirl Two White Skinny Girls, One Blonde and One Brunette Kiss media, or "its implied lesbianism!!!" but just regular fucking lesbians

#i say lesbians but i guess i mean sapphic #im just like. tired of gnawing #and of men also. sorry men in my life i love you but on god if i have to pretend one more man is butch just to get #content that isnt m/m or m/f im going to turn into a horse and run into the wilderness until im saved from the glue factory by a plucky #young woman except instead of letting her have her formative summer where she trains me and bonds w me and wins a competition w me #im going to commit horse suicide in front of her & change her life forever. just because im so tired of bland CW-marketable women kissing & #digging for scraps in a refuse bin while brushing aside 7002993829292929939292929399394 gay and het romances #m text #i will also take nonfictional lesbians if its like a story #not to be whiny on main but one of the hardest hurdles i had to jump wasnt realizing i was a lesbian. i came out to myself and to friends a #lesbian multiple times. but i would always walk it back when a friend would express doubt or a male friend would ask me out #bc i dont and especially then didnt know very many lesbians in person. and so i had to turn to examples #and all i fucking had were fictional women who liked men. or fictional lesbians who were so cleaned and sanitized and prettified #(you all know what i mean right. the 2 skinny white girls one blonde one brunette. im not crazy right) #and i would be like. i dont feel things when i look at these fictional lesbians so i guess i belong back here #(this is also bc my gender ended up being fuckier than i realized but shhhhh) #I WAS GOING SOMEWHERE WITH THESE TAGS but theyre too long and im lost. #anyway the point is if people werent so fucking weird abt fictional or onscreen lesbians maybe thered be a lot more people comfortable bein #out as lesbian #like sorry but this awful ouroboros of 'all lesbians onscreen have to be cute and sanitized' meaning that people write and believe wlw has #to be cute and pure and sanitized (OR a 'badge of honor' bc good for u u doodled two women together or had it as a background in ur fic) #meaning that therefore all portrayals of lesbianism continue to be like this. is just #and im also gonna be honest theres probably a lot of good sapphic media im just in the wrong circles to have stumbled into lol. so #yknow. personal viewer bias here #but i still like swing wildly between overly brandishing my dykeness as a badge to feel like im proving im lesbian #and like. backing up under a blanket bc i dont wanna be weird or annoying or freak people out #but if people just Saw Normal Ass Lesbians. aough. #im going to watch revolutionary girl utena one of these days even if i struggled w the writing style the first few episodes #I JUST WANNA SEE AN OLD BUTCH ONSCREEN GET SOME PUSSY. #like it also doesnt help im mostly femme4butch so seeing 2 femmes on screen is like. okay cool so what. but only femmes are 'marketable'

[ow1et]

ok but what if i made a multi

#it would primarily be a nancy drew multi if i’m being honest #i’m so obsessed with those games it isn’t even funny #steph’s blog feels weird to me idk why #i like the graphics i have for it but i hardly ever write canon characters #so the energy is just kinda…….off #which is why i havent really been on there #but i want to write her!! i want to write mia too!! #idk i think maybe putting them on a multi would help #maybe it’ll help me organize my time better too lol

[archdevilsupreme]

Y'know.. ever since I gave into the desire to start Baldur's Gate, I'm suddenly feeling like my 12 year old self again passing all of my time with my fictional friends, like, ALL OF MY TIME, ALL OF IT

Update: I finally corrupted each and every single one of my companions but I need and I emphasize on NEED Raphael in my little maniac adventurers life even MORE

#well let's be honest I never outgrew my fictional friends phase #baldur's gate 3 #bg3 #but how do I make friends other than astarion lol #his approval is like 70 when the others are 20 I swear I'm not doing this on purpose #I'm not complaining tho too #at least lae'zel's at about 40 approval #maybe it's because of my drow heritage #don't care tho I will MAKE the others like me to one way or another

[solradguy]

It sucks there aren't more JP>EN translators in the GG community because it feels like I'm just pulling shit out of my ass half the time but no one's ever written me a strongly worded letter about how one of my translations is entirely wrong so it must be at least slightly convincing shit haha...

#textpost #I've been studying Japanese off and on for something like 6 years now and I still feel like an utter beginner at it ngl #The more popular my translations get the more this kinda weighs on me to be honest #There's a certain level of quality I feel obligated to maintain and if I make a mistake a LOT of people will see it now #It's not like when I first started doing these where maybe ~30 people max would see them #Some of these have had tens of thousands of views. My Twitter page's gotten 100k views in one day after posting a translation before 😬 #I think I might take a short break from translating after I post GGCA 06+07 and focus on studying more before starting 08 #Chapter 08 is a really long one. It'll be easy to clean but there's a bunch of text in it #I still enjoy doing these and don't plan on stopping 100% btw. Can't stop when I haven't even gotten to the Denki Akiba chapter yet lol #But it wigs me out a little when I think too hard about all this haha #Need to become more reclusive.... Make it so you can only get my attention by hanging up bounty posters.... (JK JK JK JK)

[ultimatepeter-man]

hey i saw a headcanon on Cho wanting to do scince and ethics experaments on Ben. how would that go?

OH, I do not think that would go over well. I don't think Ben would want that at all. He's been experimented since being alive. His very creation was an experiment.

Even if he was brainwashed into being Hydra's little toy soldier, he undoubtably went through a lot of trauma. He'd gotten his autonomy taken away, he had implanted memories to make him think he was "saved" by Otto (which is a whole other thing I'd love to talk about), and was essentially Otto's personal on-going experiment (including the other Spider Slayers, of course).

I have no doubt Cho wants to figure out how Ben works because that shits fascinating. I also have no doubt that Cho would be eons better than Otto ever was, and he'd treat Ben like an actual human being. He'd never go past Ben's comfort levels, and would stop if asked to stop.

But, I don't think Ben would ever go for it. I think he'd want to leave that part of his past behind him and never go back. And in the case that he did allow it (or it was necessary, like needing to get a better idea of his health, musculature, dietary needs, immune system, etc... because he IS a synthezoid), then I think it would have to be handled very delicately.

#Ah Ben's trauma #lets talk about his trauma #lets get into the meat of it #lets talk about those implanted memories Otto gave him #that's entirely new levels of fucked up #There's so much trauma and PTSD surrounding Bens entire....SELF #Even if Cho had good intentions I think it woud take a LOT of convincing to get Ben to even consider it #And its not even to say he doesnt trust Cho - tho lets be honest Ben hardly trusts anyone - but even if Cho doesnt mean harm I think itd #put Ben back into that mental space #LOL there's so much to consider her #Oh not and this is not to bash on this persons headcanon or anythign! #I like the idea of Cho helping Ben figure himself out #Getting him more aware of his own body and any specific aspects that are necessary to know #like how the Spider Slayers needed to charge #Maybe Ben needs to charge a little too to be at his very best #I just think it would take a LOT of time effort and energy to get him there #USM #Ultimate Spider-Man #Ben Reilly #Scarlet Spider #Asks #anonymous #Iron Spider #Amadeus Cho #Otto Octavius #Doctor Octopus #Spider Slayers

[miutonium]

I am in my flop era right now and I just want to write what's going on with me lately _(:3」∠)_

I have been feeling meh lately. As everyone already knows, I am dealing with constant feeling of loneliness due to my lost of a long term friendship which has been quite devastating to me because I know a part of me kinda die and I don't feel like I am fully myself or been myself for months now. I dont care if people think it's ridiculous and I'm being dramatic but just like relationship, friends break up too and I am dealing with it. Some days I'll be fine and some days I just feel awful and everything I do just feels like I'm on autopilot. I'm sad but I can't be sad because I just don't have anyone to rely on now so I rather try not to be sad and do something else. I'm trying though.

I think what makes me sad is my acc getting banned out of the blue. I made a private twitter last month that I use to update what I do whenever I want to and it was such a relief and a safe space to me because I had a place to talk with a very small crowd of people I trusted and I was devastated when it was suspended because of bullshit reasons. I quit insta 2 months ago because I realize I am surrounded by self-centered people and I don't update anything personal regarding my life and feelings anymore elsewhere other than this site. I haven't have any long meaningful conversation with anyone irl other than my family for months and only talk to people when it's related to school work or anything non-personal related. I have been actively avoiding people and avoiding talking too long to people for months.

I tried to get back to interacting with others through my private twt acc and I actually feel safe. Now when it's gone Im sad because I can't be myself elsewhere anymore and I just kinda feel like the world is punishing me right now. It's like I don't deserve to have friends and be happy _(:3」∠)_ what if things wont get better for me? Idk I don't want to feed those thoughts but I wont lie, I'm scared if one day I am going to be extremely sad and do dumb things _(:3」∠)_

I still want to live and do good things but it just seems like good things doesn't happen to me lately and everything just looks so muted to me for now

#i will be fine i always do I just dont feel alright right now #maybe I should continue watching frasier now to cheer me up #I'll be honest: i haven't feel and think about selfshipping too because im just so sad these days #i missed it when i was enthusiastic about Utonium but now everything is just too sad for me rn #also i have a cold rn so i haven't stop sneezing lol #im writing here because this is like the only place i feel like ppl would understand me #cw vent #cw negative

[princekirijo]

Something I didn't really notice until replaying Royal but Ryuji really doesn't let the past hold him down? Like in the rank 2 scene he tells Akira that he doesn't want to focus on his past and he's more focused about the future.

I think that's kinda neat tbh he doesn't wanna let the stuff with Kamoshida or his dad drag him down, he just wants to keep going forward.

#not gonna main tag this lol #it's interesting idk i never noticed this before #look ill be honest with you all im specifically thinking about this in context for my au #i think the contrast between dont let the past hold me back ryuji #vs i will never escape my past and i cant bear the future riku is fascinating #ive been thinking a LOT about their friendship lately i wont lie #i think they could really balance each other out well #riku would just listen to ryuji talk about his struggles with his past if he needed it #and ryuji helps riku let go of a lot of his burdens regarding his and the groups past #riku is running away from the future ryuji is running towards it do you see my parallels #or is this me going “ive connected two dots. you havent connected shit. they're connected” or however that meme goes #idk i just think they would make great friends :'] #it would make sense too considering captain arcana is the chariot equivalent of its deck lol so there's bound to be parallels #captain au #<- might as well tag it lol #idk if any of this makes like sense #because im refreshing a lot of what i remember from p5 with this playthrough #but i think ryuji's drive to keep moving forward is really cool and fits well with his arcana!! #ANYWAY DO Y'ALL GET WHAT IM SAYING ABOUR RYUJI jesus i feel like im tripping over my thoughts #but riku/ryuji (platonic mostly but romantic works maybe) is important to me.... #hope my ramblings make sense to someone<3 live laugh love <3